#the first MOR song I ever heard

[itsjunear]

Shadows and Whispers

Note: Hello loves! I'll try to be more active and post more often, maybe once a week (this is my proof that I'm trying 😀). It's really been a long week for me, but I truly appreciate and I'm so happy for the support the previous post received. I'm very grateful for the likes, reblogs, and comments 💙💙💙 I'm not sure if I should make a second part of that one, but in the meantime, here's this. I hope you enjoy it, and sorry if it's a mess! Again, remember that English is not my first language, but if there are any mistakes, don't hesitate to let me know! I’m leaving the song I wrote this with, the slow version sounds really good :)

P.S.: I’m not really sure if this would work in ACOTAR, but I don’t know, I just liked the idea.

Words: +1k

Warnings: none, slight mention of tension

Summary: Reader and Azriel are sent on an undercover mission where they must pretend to be a couple. Reader has unresolved feelings, and the closeness with the shadowsinger leaves her confused.

The Mother definitely had a twisted sense of humor.

I was certain that in this life, I was paying for each and every bad thing I had done in my previous ones. If not, what would be the point of all this?

I had to suppress the complaint lodged in my throat ever since I had left the meeting with Rhys and he had communicated his plans for the Autumn Court.

Why? Why did these things always happen to me?

I could have gone with Cassian, Mor, or even Amren. I wouldn’t have had any issue pretending to be the lover of one of them. But of course, I had to go and pretend with Azriel.

Rhys had received a formal invitation to a ball in the Autumn Court, but decided to send us instead to investigate the political situation surrounding that entire red-haired family and how the stir was being perceived by the court’s nobles. Evidently, we were supposed to look as distracted as possible to catch any murmurs here and there, and the simplest way to do that was by pretending we were simply there to enjoy the evening as a couple in love.

Fantastic, I thought.

"I try to respect your privacy and not intrude on your thoughts" I heard Rhys’s voice in my head "but the way you’re shouting them, I could hear them even from the scraps of the Spring Court."

I grimaced but didn’t respond, letting the anger fill my mind so that he could feel it.

"Why are you so… irritated?" I heard him ask with genuine curiosity, and I sighed.

Rhys could dig just a little and find the reason, but he would never dare. Not without my permission.

"What do you care" I barked mentally, sulking.

I’d apologize later for speaking to my High Lord like that, but right now, I could feel the smoke coming out of my ears, and I guessed he could too because a laugh echoed in my mind before it simply vanished.

"Idiot" was the last thing I thought before raising my mental walls and reinforcing them with everything I had.

By the Cauldron, what was the problem? Well, for starters, I wasn’t in love with Cassian or Mor.

Hell, I had even suggested going with Amren to avoid going through this. Going undercover with Cassian was impossible—Nesta’s scent was all over him, and it wasn’t a secret that he had a mate. Mor was in the Winter Court visiting Viviane, and Amren… well, she was busy with Varian.

So that only left the shadowsinger and me free. Plus, neither of us was involved with anyone publicly, so we were the perfect candidates.

This time I didn’t suppress the groan of exasperation as I headed to my own room in the House of the River. I missed the company of the House of Wind, but now that Cassian and Nesta were there, it was impossible for me to stay—for the sake of my mental health, I fled that place. So I sighed and nearly cried when I reached my bed, bracing myself and trying to find the strength to endure what would happen in a few days.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two nights had passed. Two damned nights sleeping like shit, practicing a mask of indifference and composure that I clearly didn’t feel.

I had also been more sensitive than usual, so I tried to avoid everyone, including Azriel. However, I saw Cassian every morning at training, and although I felt him casting strange glances at me, anticipating my mood, he didn’t ask about it. For that, I was grateful.

In a few hours, Azriel and I would be on our way to the Autumn Court, and I was just trying to control my breathing to avoid panicking. Even now, my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t fasten the endless buttons on the back of the pretty midnight blue dress, adorned with some crystals at the top and quite fitted from the waist down. Courtesy of Rhys.

A knock on the door distracted me from the mission, and holding the top of the dress to my chest, I opened it to come face to face with the man I had been avoiding with all my might.

I had to restrain myself from shrinking away upon seeing him in all his glory—not dressed in Illyrian leathers, but in a formal suit the same color as my dress, fitted in all the right places that made him look out of this world. If you added the large wings behind his back, the stoic hazel gaze, and the tendrils of shadows that surrounded him, giving him a mysterious and irresistible air… My breath faltered a bit.

He scanned me from head to toe as well, and the shiver that ran through me was completely involuntary. His gaze burned, but I did nothing to break the silence in which we were immersed.

"You look… beautiful" he finally said, hesitating a bit.

I swallowed hard and looked away, unsure of how to act. I had never been shy about receiving compliments, but when they came from him, they managed to destabilize me.

"Thanks" I whispered "You look great too."

Azriel nodded, and I saw his eyes drift to my chest, right where my hands were holding the dress.

"I need help with the buttons" I said in a tired tone.

He nodded again and entered my room, closing the door slowly. His shadows roamed freely, and I felt one of them caress my braided hair, making me smile.

"Sorry" Azriel apologized as he gestured for me to turn around.

I shook my head.

"I like them" I replied with a smile that died the moment I felt his fingers touch the exposed skin of my back.

"And they like you" he answered in his usual calm tone.

I didn’t respond, fearing my voice would tremble, and I focused on avoiding my skin from tingling wherever his touched. I even resorted to thinking about the painful blows to the stomach that Cassian gave during training when Azriel’s hands brushed dangerously low on my back.

I knew he also noticed the tension by the way his wings were tucked, but he didn’t say anything. Finally, I released the breath I had been holding once he finished and he removed his hands, though a strange sense of loss invaded me. Nevertheless, I ignored it.

A moment later, I turned around and faced him, tilting my head back to meet his eyes now that we were so close.

"Rhys told me you had certain… reservations about this" he broke the silence, looking at me with a calm expression.

Of course, he had told him.

I almost scoffed.

I opened my mouth to respond, but he interrupted me.

"We won’t do anything you haven’t consented to or that makes you uncomfortable"

I frowned.

"Of course I know that, Az. It’s just that I doubt this will work" I responded, smoothing out my dress a little.

It wasn’t entirely a lie. Though that wasn’t the main reason. It all boiled down to the fact that doing this with him made me nervous.

"It will" he reassured me. "Rhys and I have evaluated all the scenarios. We are the most credible for this plan. Just trust me"

I nodded, though I couldn’t shake the slight anxiety of having him so close.

The shadow from before wrapped around my arm, making me smile again. Even though the touch was cold, it didn’t feel strange, so I didn’t fear playing with it with one of my fingers, not realizing I was practically brushing Azriel’s wing membrane until I noticed his shiver and the way his breath escaped him. I quickly pulled my hand away and looked at him only to find him with his eyes shut and the rest of his shadows slightly agitated.

"I’m sorry, Az" I apologized. "I’m so sorry"

I knew how reserved the Illyrians were about their wings and how they shouldn’t be touched, so his silence only increased the unease brewing inside me.

"It’s fine" he replied slowly after a moment. "It’s nothing" but I could see him swallowing hard.

I bit the inside of my cheek but said nothing more.

"We should go now" he spoke after a moment.

I nodded and took one of his hands, preparing to pretend I was in love with him, according to that stupid plan. When in reality, I would stop pretending I wasn't, for a moment.

That was what terrified me—letting my feelings out and not being able to hide them again after tonight.

But there was no turning back now.

"Ready?"

No.

"Yes" I responded with the steadiest tone I could muster.

He gave me a deep look before I felt the shadows envelop us, and soon the room lit up, leaving us at the entrance of the grand hall of the Autumn Court.

Then, I let go of one of his hands and gently brought it to his cheek, trying to convey my intentions. He held my gaze for a second before bending obediently, giving me the opportunity to leave a chaste kiss on his lips.

The sensations exploded inside me, but I held back. This was a mission, I reminded myself. So why did his hand immediately curve around my waist?

This is just a mission, I repeated.

I pulled away a moment later, smiling softly at him. Before we both straightened up.

I supposed we had made it quite clear that we were together by kissing in front of all these people. I made sure to do it at the entrance so everyone would see, and I guessed Az understood too by the slight squeeze he gave my hand.

I looked at him one last time, letting a bit of my love for him escape. And then I turned towards the crowd, with a bright smile.

All right, the game had begun.

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[thelov3lybookworm]

Nothing Like I Do

Summary: Y/n and Azriel have been friends for centuries now, having run away together during his escape from his father's house. She had been his neighbour's daughter, whose father wasn't much better. They had talked and met on various occasions before, having understood each others pain.

As she returned from the last mission that Cassian had given her in the stead of Rhys, she had decided that she was going to confess her feelings for the Shadowsinger. But when she returns, she realises that even though he has moved on from Mor, he isn't without someone. As she tries to navigate her way to telling him of her feelings, she wonders if she's risking her friendship with him.

A/n: I really like how this came out, feedback is always appreciated. Also, this is my first time writing Y/n instead of a name, so let me know if theres some need of correction.

And the lines written in blue are the lyrics which made me want to write this. I've honestly been waiting to write this since the song came out, but as i was writing you deserve better, I wanted to wait. And the lyrics aren't in chronological order, just placed where convenient.

•○🌑○•

As she flew over the glittering Sidra and the colourful lights lighting the shops, Y/n took a deep breath in an attempt to settle her nerves. She'd be returning home after almost a decade and she'd finally be meeting her friends.

She was half Illyrian just like Rhys, her father being the one with the wings. He and her mother had wed when his father had arranged a marriage for them.

As she landed on one of the balconies of the House of Wind and vanished her wings away, the nervousness came back with a vengeance. Walking in, she heard noises coming from a nearby sitting room. She smiled. They hadn't changed one bit, being as noisy as ever.

Y/n knew that the High Lord had found his mate, and that, after the war, the they had been blessed with a son. Other than that, she knew nothing about what had happened during the time she had been away.

Her heart beating in her ears, she slowly pushed the door open, poking her head in. Rhys was already staring at her, having known someone had entered the shield around the house. But this, he hadn't expected.

"Hello." Y/n squeaked, before clearing her throat and entering fully.

Hit me like a shot in the heart

Never should have played you so hard

Guess I played myself, that's my fault

Azriel was out of his chair and tackling her in a hug before she could blink. The breath was knocked out of her from the force of his body colliding with hers. It took her a moment to wrap her arms around him as well, mindful of his wings. She smiled at the ceiling.

She had missed this.

When he finally pulled away, grinning, she was yet again pulled into another hug, this time by a laughing Cassian. She nearly lost her footing. When he let go, Rhys smiled at her, giving her a far more gentler hug than his brothers.

As she finished hugging him, her eyes found that of Mor's, shooting an instant spike of self consciousness through her.

As always, Mor was dressed immaculately, with her hair done as if she was attending some celebration. While Y/n looked just out of a battle. In her fighting leathers, her hair almost completely out of the loose braid hanging down her back.

And all of that reminded her of the fact that the male she had always been in love with was in love with Mor.

Hit me like a poisonous dart

You wеre trouble right from the start

Should havе ran, I guess it's my fault

Her spirits were already down as Rhys introduced her to the new additions to the family. She excused herself, saying she wanted to take a bath, but before she left, Y/n crouched in front of Feyre and baby Nyx, who was trying to grab a piece of her hair.

As he babbled at her, she babbled right back, making him exclaim in happiness, trying to jump around on his mother's lap. When he started making grabby hands at her, she was shocked because as far as she knew, it takes quite some time for babies to get used to strangers, let alone pick them up.

She stared helplessly at Nyx. Sure, she was good with kids, but only when she wasn't holding them, never really having held a baby. The one time she did, everything went wrong.

She stared at her new baby brother with wide eyes, before looking up at her mother. "Can I hold him?"

"Yes Y/n." Her mother instructed her how to sit on the bed,placing the little bundle in her lap. Little Y/n couldn't look away, her jaw open in awe.

"He's so small." Y/n mumbled when the door flew open, loudly crashing against the wall, making her jump, jostling her brother in the process. She turned to look at who it was, the colour draining from her face.

Her father.

He looked furious. He had wanted her to stay away from the little boy, and when she had begged to know why, he had hit her. She still didn't understand why her father had wanted that. She also didn't understand why he hated her so much. Maybe it was because she asked too many questions? Whatever the reason, he didn't like her and had told her she was to stay away.

In her haste to get off the bed, she forgot, for a moment, that a baby was in her lap. Before he could get hurt, though, both her parents were there, her mother cradling the baby to her chest, trying to get Y/n behind her. It didn't help as Y/n's father had already grabbed hold of her arm, dragging her out of the bedroom and the main door, out in the cold. When she realised where he was taking her, she started crying and screaming, begging to be forgiven this one time.

It was obviously useless. Later on she would wonder why she even bothered, but at the moment, she would have done anything to be spared from the darkness.

She was dragged into the neighboring house, where a man was staring at her in disgust. She didn't hear anything that the two Illyrians talked about, the sobbing mess that she was. Then as suddenly as her father had stopped, he began dragging her towards the stairs leading down, before she was shoved into the dungeon and the door was slammed shut, leaving her in the darkness.

It was quite some time before she could breath without hiccups, finally quieting down.

A small body settled next to hers. "What happened this time?"

Y/n said nothing for some time, wondering how just wanting to hold her brother for some time could incense her father so.

"I was holding baby brother. He didn't want me to."

She couldn't see him, but she knew he nodded.

He was her only friend, Azriel. She was often times put here with him, both their fathers being friends and taking some sick pleasure in torturing the small children, locking them up in dark places. This wasn't the first time her father had done this. The sad part was that, as far as she could remember, this had been happening forever.

Y/n felt Azriel tugging her closer, hugging her close as they tried to go to sleep on the cold and hard ground. He was her only comfortin times as this, and he will be the only one, for quite some time.

Now, after centuries, she understood why he hated her. She was a female. No other reason. And the reason he didn't want her near her brother was because he didn't want her tainting him. Atleast, that's what he said when she and Azriel had gone near there for a mission.

Y/n took a deep breath, shaking those dark thoughts away and focusing on the happy baby in front of her. She won't let those memories ruin this happy moment.

She gently picked him up, looking to Feyre for guidance. As she stood with Nyx, her eyes connected with hazel ones, full of understanding. And when Azriel smiled, it didn't seem so bad.

Sometime later in the evening, after Y/n had already changed and freshen up, she found herself sitting next to the Shadowsinger with Nyx again in her lap, shaking and waving a stuffed bat toy.

As the night wore on, Y/n found her mind wandeing to her decision to confess her feelings to the Spymaster, and how she could do it. But then, soon enough she realised, with a burst of excitement, that Azriel had already moved on from his crush on Mor.

That happiness didn't last long as she realised that the subject of those longing glances and lingering touches had been changed to the middle Archeron sister, sitting on the other side of him.

I don't even know how to think

'Cause now she got your heart, so I feel stupid, foolish

'Fraid I'm losin' everything I thought I couldn't

My whole world is fallin' apart

And she couldn't help but wonder, would she again be too late?

•○🌑○•

As she stared at them from her place on rhe first floor balcony of the River House, Y/n couldn't help the ugly feeling of jealousy that reared its head. She didn't want to feel that way, especially as the person who held her heart looked so happy.

Azriel was standing behind Elain, who was tending to a few plants in her beautiful garden.

Azriel's head swivelled towards her, his mouth open as if he had looked up mid-sentence. He smiled at her before turning back to Elain.

"You should talk to him." Nesta murmured from behind her, making Y/n jump. While she was busy wallowing in self pity and jealousy, Nesta had somehow snuck up on her.

The two of them had become fast friends, finding they had similar interests. Especially those novels. And despite Y/n not telling Nesta about her feelings towards the Spymaster, Nesta had found out.

"I don't know what to say." Her voice wavered with barely controlled emotions.

Nesta leaned against the railing next to her. "I know. But try atleast. If possible, before the party tonight. If all goes well, you can have fun with him. If not... we can find someone for you tonight. Probably try to make him jealous."

It had been two weeks since Y/n had returned, and tonight was the party Rhys had decided to host in honour of her return.

Y/n nodded. It was time. To move on with him, or without. She couldn't waste her life trying to squeeze herself into other peoples lives, hoping someone would give her some affection.

•○🌑○•

Y/n bit her lip, wondering how to approach the topic. But no elaborate words found her, especially with the Shadowsinger's full attention on her.

Don't you go fallin' in love

Trust me, she's not the one

She won't ever love you like I do

Hold you like I do, know you like I do

There was no soft and subtle way to approach this, so she jumped right in.

"Do you like Elain?"

He blinked, taken aback. "Of course I like her. I like you too." There was something in his eyes that Y/n couldn't decipher as he said the last part.

"No like– like lovers kind of like. Are you interested in her?"

His eyes shuttered as soon as he heard the question. "That's none of your business."

"Oh? And since when did the two of us have different–"

"We're both grown up now, Y/n. You have your personal matters, I have mine. Don't snoop in my life. You are a friend. Act like a friend."

Y/n couldn't help but gape at him, wondering what the hell had gone wrong between them to make him so mad at her. It was a few moments before she could speak again. And when she did, she wished she hadn't.

"Forget her Azriel. Don't go falling in love with her. Trust me she's not the one. She'll never–" Y/nstopped herself from speaking, know if she continued speaking, she won't stop and confess, and then end up most probably rejected.

"She'll never what Y/n?" He stepped closer, so close that she could feel his breath, his voice dropping dangerously. When she said nothing, he continued. "And if she's not the one, who is?" Again, there was that thing in his eyes that she couldn't understand. He searched her eyes before stepping back, shaking his head. "Don't try to control my life Y/n. It doesn't suit you."

Tears brimmed in her eyes as she watched him step out of the room she had pulled him into. Just a few moments later, Nesta poked her head in, as if she had been waiting here all this time.

"Let's get you dressed and make him regret." She murmured, tugging Y/n out of the room.

•○🌑○•

Y/n swallowed her nerves as best as she could as she stepped into the ball room, her eyes trying to find the Spymaster without her permission. But before she could see him, Nesta called out to her.

The night fared on without any issues, accept for the fact that she still hadn't found the Spymaster, good at hiding that he was. Sometime ago, a fae male had asked her to dance with him, which she was forced to accept after feeling Nesta and Mor's glares on her.

"Looks like it's time to change partners." A deep voice from behind Y/n said, sending shivers down her spine. The male glanced up, packing a little before making his exit. Finally, she turned to look at her friend, understanding why the male looked scared. Azriel looked like he was ready to do someone's head off. Or probably chew it off. His wings were slightly flared behind him in a show of power and possession, his signature scowl on his face, making him look all the more scary.

Y/n frowned at him, pissed that he had yelled at her just a few hours ago and then had the audacity to scare people away from her.

"What?" He asked after he had tugged her closer and begun swaying, still staring after the male.

"What's your problem?"

He glanced at her before again his eyes began tracking the male. "You didn't know him. He could've been a secret murderer."

Y/n gaped at him. "And what if he was? You had no right to scare him away."

"I'm just looking out for you. Were you interested in him?"

"That's none of your business." She parroted his earlier words, but he didn't seem to notice.

Don't you go falling in love

'Cause I'ma break that shit up

I won't let her love you like I do

Touch you like I do, nothing like I do

Nothing like I do

"He's not the one, trust me." Finally, he looked down at her.

Y/n had to take a deep breath to stop herself from screaming in frustration. "Don't snoop in my life, Azriel. You're friend, act like one."

A muscle ticked in his jaw as she pulled her hand away from his and stepped back. "Don't try to control my life. Doesn't suit you." Y/n whirled, her dress swishing around her legs as she walked away with barley restrained anger.

She walked out into the balcony nearest to her, leaning against it, taking deep gulps of the fresh night air.

Some time had passed before she felt Azriel's presence behing her and she sighed.

He silently came to stand beside her. It was quite a few moments before he cleared his throat. "I– I'm sorry. I was being an asshole. But did you see him? The way he was looking at you– it made me want to rip his head off him. I'm sorry."

He was looking at her now, but she stared straight ahead. When she didn't say anything for a long time, he continued. "What– what were you going to say, when we talked before the party? She'll never what?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me."

"She'll never love you... like I do." She needed to know, Y/n decided. If he rejected her, she could atleast have no regrets when moving on.

He started laughing, and she squeezed her eyes shut. "No way. You don't love me. You don't, do you?"

She pushed back from the railing, turning away fro him. "If you don't want me –which I know you don't– atleast don't invalidate my feelings by laughing–"

"Who said i don't? Hmm?" He caught her wrist, tugging a frozen Y/n back, flush against him. "I love you too, you dumb female. Have been in love for almost my whole life now."

"But– but you loved Mor–" She sputtered, turning her head to look at him.

"That was me trying to accept the fact that an amazing female like you would never want a bastard like me."

"You're mad if you thought that. Why would you even think that!" She turned to look at him fully, her wrist still clasped in his hand. He just smiled and shrugged, staring at her intently. "You're such an idiot."

"But–" He said after a moments hesitation, "I'm your idiot now?"

She grinned, the tension bleeding from her shoulders as she buried her face in the place connecting his neck and shoulder, his arms instantly going around her waist.

"You're my idiot now."

Little did they know then, that soon they'll realise he was her mate too.

•○🌑○•

[justjensenanddean]

Jensen Ackles and Jeffrey Dean Morgan | New Jersey Convention, Main Panel (April 16, 2023)

(x)

“hey dad! times been good to ya” (x)

when jensen and danneel had crushes on each other but were tied up with other people jensen wrote her a note that said “not now. but someday” and she still has it (x)

jdm was on jensens first date with danneel bc JENSEN INVITED HIM BC HE HAD NO IDEA IT WAS A FIRST DATE (x)

jensen: jdm got off a motorcycle in slomo and i saw hilarie’s jaw on the floor. she had no idea who he was (x)

fan: fav backstage moment from cons jdm: when i told everyone i was having a daughter bc i wasnt supposed to  (x)

jensen: when we announced the end of spn and at SDCC there were 7000 people and i told jared “take this in. this is it”  (x)

*everyone arguing over an answer* jensen; glad we figured that out. great job jdm: im still confused (x)

jensen got in trouble for sharing info abt a project last con so he will not be saying ANYTHING (x)

fan; SOLDIER BOY COMING BACK? jensen: uh…….no comment  (x)

theyre talking about their daughters jdm: mine will be the death of me jensen: one will be the death of me and the other will take care of me jdm; mine will be twerking over my grave jensen: HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW DADDY  (x)

.@JDMorgan : the year I did #Supernatural and Grey's Anatomy changed my life #SPNNJ (x)

.@JensenAckles getting the part of Tony in West Side Story in high school was life changing - after his baseball coach talked him into doing it. (x)

(x)

the drama teacher at Jensen’s school wanted him to be in the spring musical and his baseball coach was like “you’ve played with me for three years. go give this a shot i promise we’ll be in the front row”  (x)  a talent scout was at the play and told jensen that he had it and he should come to LA and he went “lol take a hike” (x)  THE ROLE WAS TONY IN WEST SIDE STORY!!! and his whole baseball team was like “woah ” (x)

jensen: getting into the industry is harder now that it was back then jdm: i dont even know how to get an agent now jensen: yeah dont ask us for advice  (x)

Question: Jensen, what was your favorite thing about soldier boy? JDM: the codpiece. *crowd laughs* JDM: sorry, I thought you were asking me.  (x)

the boots soldier boy wore on the show are the same ones that dean wore on spn. they’re called carolinas  (x)

jensen: jdm texted me when i was getting fitted and he was immediately like “SHOW ME THE COD PIECE” and i was like “perfect timing i have five of them lined up which one” AND JDM SAID “PICK THE BIGGEST ONE” (x)

fan; nash was amazing. is there hope for touring in the future for radio co? jensen: thanks it took a lot of drugs jdm: he’s not lying  (x)

jensen: touring might be aggressive but anything is on the table  (x)

jdm: i watched it online and i remember texting you being like “what the fuck is going on that was amazing” (x)

jensen looked at steve and said “this is a bad idea we should leave” right before going on bc louden swain KILLED and they didnt wanna follow that  (x)

.@JensenAckles : even tho it was a vengeful mission, John set out to right a wrong. In The Winchesters we wanted to show John before that trauma.  (x)

jensen says the pilot of spn “holds up today”  (x)

fan: whats your fav format to play in (movies, tv, voice acting, etc) jdm; whatever has the best writing. we knew supernatural was going to be good by the first ep (x)

jensen turns towards tv bc he doesnt know where it’ll go and where it will end (x)

jensen: ive done soap operas and that was 20-24 pages of dialogue a day (x)

APPARENTLY ONE TIME JENSEN TAPED JEFF’S DIALOGUE TO HIS CHEST AND HE WAS LIKE “WE GOTTA GET THROUGH THE DAY LOOK AT MY TITS”  (x)

JENSEN TALKING ABOUT FRIENDS AND HE YELLS “PIVOT” (x)

jensen: i heard “anyway you want it” in the car and almost got out before the second chorus hit bc i thought i was late for stage (x)

fan: go to karaoke song? jensen: have u ever done karaoke? jdm: never in my life. i think you asked me once and i said “goodnight 👋🏻 ” jensen: right but it was more like “goodnight 🖕🏻  (x)

(x)

[witchysquirrel]

Epiphany

Chapter Eight

“Good morning Sunshine,” Mor chirped from the kitchen, sipping from a steaming mug. Ravenna welcomed the sound of her voice. The roaring in her head had returned after she’d fled Cassian, and she was grateful for a distraction.

“Morning,” she replied, pouring coffee from the carafe on the counter. “What are you up to today?”

“Thought I’d visit Cass, but other than that I have no plans,” Mor answered.

“So you’d have time to help me find something to wear for Starfall?” Ravenna asked, sipping from the mug she held, peering at Mor over the top. Mor practically squealed in reply, gushing about colors she just HAD to see Ravenna in and scolding her for not having picked a dress yet. Ravenna laughed, having anticipated her friend’s enthusiastic response. Mor and Ravenna were like two sides of the same coin, often the only females around all of those high powered males, and that bound them more than anything. The night at Rita’s that they became friends, they’d both been in similar places in life, and had no problem with partying all night, singing, dancing, and watching the sunrise before stumbling home.

As she stood in Mor’s room, in front of her full length mirror, Ravenna was appreciative of her friend. However, the first gown she’d chosen for Ravenna was pink. Ravenna hated it the minute she put it on, though Mor insisted it was gorgeous. Ravenna laughed, looking back at her reflection that somehow looked paper white and washed out against the light pink silk of the dress.

“I’m not wearing this,” Ravenna said, laughing as she turned in the mirror, a disgusted look on her face. “Maybe I should’ve specified the colors I feel are acceptable.”

“Fine. But it feels very Dawn Court, if you ask me.” Ravenna flushed. Mor was right, Fetrin would love the soft pink she’d picked.

“He won’t care what color the dress is,” Ravenna answered, shaking her head. “As long as I’m the one wearing it.” Mor grinned widely at her friend, admiring her attitude.

“Fine. No pink,” Mor replied, shuffling through the expansive collection in her closet, humming a song Ravenna didn’t know.

“Can I ask you something?” Ravenna ventured after a moment. She sat against the wall across from the mirror while Mor shuffled through dresses, shucking the ones she didn’t want to the side.

“Of course,” Mor answered, continuing her quest.

“Cassian spoke to me,” she said. “In my head. And it felt… weird.”

“Weird how?”

“I don’t know. It just felt different. Nothing like it ever has when I’ve heard Rhys in my head. Or anyone else for that matter.”

She gave Ravenna a look, then pulled three dresses off of the rack. She shucked two of them onto the hook next to the mirror, tossing a third one at Ravenna.

“Like good different?” Mor asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Not necessarily,” Ravenna answered, standing and holding the dress she’d caught out in front of her. “Something just felt weird inside.

“Yeah, that’s called being horny, it happens to everyone,” Mor quipped. “Put the dress on!” Ravenna laughed, but she wasn’t sure that was what she’d felt. She just didn’t know what she had felt. Maybe Mor was right, and she was just thinking too hard.

This was a midnight blue gown, with a bustier top and small off the shoulder straps. From the bustier, it fell into a stream of skirts that billowed to the floor. She pulled it up her body and over her shoulders, letting Mor zip the back up. Her hair was still thrown up in a very messy bun, exposing her collarbones. Ravenna found the dress pretty, albeit plain for her taste.

Mor squealed again. “I haven’t seen you in a gown in decades,” she mused. Ravenna’s cheeks heated at Mor’s words, realizing she was right. She hadn’t been to a ball in what felt like forever, and Cassian had commented on it too.

“I like it, but it’s simple,” Ravenna said with a small smile. “I want to try the others too.”

Mor nodded briskly, helping her unzip and get into the next gown. This one appeared to be significantly different from the last. “Just humor me on this one,” Mor chimed, a mischievous laugh bubbling in her throat as she helped Ravenna pull up the straps.

Ravenna turned to see the dress in the mirror, and nearly didn’t recognize herself. “Oh wait!” Mor shouted, reaching for Ravenna again, hands outstretched. She undid the bun that had been holding Ravenna’s hair up, unfurling her long, black curls. “There we go,” Mor said, stepping back to admire her handiwork with a smile. Ravenna surveyed herself in the mirror once more.

The dress was crimson. Like blood rubies. It had small off the shoulder straps that came into a corseted top. The bodice of the dress overtly pushed up her chest, revealing cleavage that hadn’t seen the light of day in years. From there the dress cascaded down her body, form fitted and hugging the curve of her hips tightly. A slit ran from mid-thigh to the floor.

“This is absolutely ridiculous!” Ravenna yelled at her, half laughing as she tried to shove her breasts further into the dress to no avail.

“It’s hot!” Mor yelled back, pouting. “I know you would never wear it, but think of Fetrin’s face seeing you in this!”

“Mor? Are you back here?” A voice came from beyond the confines of Mor’s room.

“Yup, in here!” she called back nonchalantly as she returned her attention to Ravenna and the dress.

“Mor!” Ravenna hissed at her, incredulous, smacking her with the back of her hand repeatedly as footsteps grew nearer.

“What!?” Mor hissed back, trying to block Ravenna’s hand. Ravenna didn’t want anyone seeing her in this dress, but she’d run out of time as the handle turned and Cassian entered. Her cheeks must have matched the crimson of the dress, she could feel them growing hotter and hotter as Cassian’s eyes met hers… and then traveled down her body, pausing at her chest, roving over her hips and thighs, and then finding her eyes again. He bit the inside of his cheek.

“Playing dress up in here?” he asked, a hint of a smirk on his face now as he met Ravenna’s eyes again. He held her gaze for a beat longer, and then shifted to Mor.

“Yes, as a matter of fact we are,” Mor replied. “Want to help us pick Ravenna’s gown for Starfall?”

So this is what you get to do while Madja does my wound care?

Ravenna had already felt vulnerable standing there in front of him in this obscene dress, meeting his eyes after they hadn’t spoken in a week, but hearing him in her head had all but stripped her naked. The caress of his voice against the shields of her mind left her flustered, but she forced herself to swallow.

Yes. I was hoping not to see you today, actually, since it is my day off from you.

He faked a hurt face. “As tempting as that sounds,” he said. “I told Az I’d go to Windhaven with him.”

“Windhaven?” Ravenna asked out loud, furrowing a brow at him. She turned to Mor, who only rolled her eyes and began hanging the first dress back up.

“Yes, Windhaven. I have business to attend to,” he finished, looking back to Ravenna.

“Did your healer clear you for working? For travel?” she asked, concerned about him winnowing before his wings had fully healed.

“Madja did,” he replied, shrugging. My other healer had the day off today. He winked at Ravenna, who scowled back, crossing her arms over her chest. “That’s why I was coming down here actually. I wanted to see if you could winnow us.” The question was directed at Mor, who shrugged and agreed.

“After she tries on one more dress,” Mor requested, gesturing to the black dress still hanging beside the mirror by itself.

“I’ll wait out front,” he told her, turning to leave.

Please be careful.

I will.

His eyes slipped over her body one more time, quickly enough that she wondered if she’d imagined it, and then he was gone. And once again, her head had gone quiet. The silence was nearly unbearable as Ravenna slipped out of the red gown and into the black one, heading back out in front of the mirror.

She liked this one better. The dress itself was simple, black, and strapless. It was form fitting, with a sheath skirt that fit her nearly perfectly and accentuated her hips. It was imbued with something of a cape, sheer and almost lacy, with rhinestoned accents that flowed from the neck and shoulders down to the floor, covering the black fabric of the dress with a light drape of sparkle. It was perfect, and Mor’s gaping mouth told Ravenna she agreed. Mor raved a little longer, then left Ravenna so she could find Cassian.

Ravenna changed back into her clothes, hanging the black silk back on its rack. Her mind walked itself back to Cassian’s voice again. It had almost felt like a warm embrace in her brain, but she felt it tug somewhere within her chest as well. She found herself hoping it would happen again, preferably as soon as possible. It had sounded like music to her, and it had now quieted the ugliness that usually swarmed twice now. The image of the way he’d looked at her in the red gown crept into her mind as well, and she had to physically shake her head to erase the image from her mind. He really liked Celeste, they were good together, she reminded herself. Ravenna decided that she and Cassian had just gotten closer in the past couple of months she’d spent caring for him. That would also explain the pit that sat in her gut now, thinking about Cassian going to Windhaven with injured wings.

Ravenna exited Mor’s room, leaving her a thank you note for lending the gown, and made her way to bed.

-

Epiphany Masterlist

[tothestarsinvelaris]

Rain by Sleep Token is so Elriel coded.

I just can't get over how much it sounds like Azriel talking to Elain

(obvs the song isn't actually about them, but I had to break down the lyrics with an Elriel specific interpretation bc its just so fitting)

For so long, I have waited So long that I almost became Just a stoic statue, fit for nobody

This whole section is him commenting on how he was pining after Mor for 500 years and lost himself in the process, always beating himself up for feeling inadequate to the point of fading into the background.

And I don't wanna get in your way But I finally think I can say That the vicious cycle was over The moment you smiled at me

I don't wanna get in your way - the mating bond is there with Lucien, and while he knows she's not really into him, he wants to give her a fair chance. Plus, Azriel is well aware of Elain dealing with the trauma of being Made against her will and her recently broken engagement with Grayson. I finally think I can say that the vicious cycle was over the moment you smiled at me - He and Elain have admired each other from the first time they met at the Archeron estate while she was still human. She asked about his wings and flying and they immediately understood each other in the roles they played for their families. She broke the cycle he was stuck in with Mor.

And just like the rain You cast the dust into nothing And wash out the salt from my hands So touch me again I feel my shadow dissolving Will you cleanse me with pleasure?

You cast the dust into nothing - Elain makes him feel alive, she makes him forget about the years of pining and feeling like a statue. She made him laugh like nobody in the IC had ever heard him laugh before. And wash out the salt from my hands - she said his hands were beautiful, she doesn't balk from his scars or the blood on his hands. She is also associated with gardening, baking, and cooking food, which are all things that bring life and happiness, she has easily and effortlessly included him in these things already, and he has shown that he wants to participate in them with her, giving him a way to use his hands for good. So touch me again I feel my shadow dissolving - his shadows canonically disappear when he's feeling safe, happy, comfortable, at peace, etc. They seem to always disappear when Elain is around, which is just more evidence that she makes him feel cared for. Will you cleanse me with pleasure? - it's giving the bonus chapter almost kiss where he is ready to beg on his knees for a taste of her

It's that chemical cut that I can get down with Up like the moon and out like the hounds A dangerous disposition somehow Refracted in light, reflected in sound I'm coiled up like the venomous serpent Tangled in your trance and I'm certain You have got your hooks in me

Up like the moon and out like the hounds - he literally can't sleep over her. A dangerous disposition refracted in light, reflected in sound - the mating bond, the heated convo in the BC with Rhys, the threat of the blood duel, etc. But its all encompassing. His feelings take over his entire being and make up everything he sees and hears around him. I'm coiled up like the venomous serpent tangled in your trance and I'm certain you have got your hooks in me - he's so caught up and tightly wound bc he can't have her and can't even express his feelings properly, but he knows she feels the same way.

I know, I know, the way that it goes You get what you give, you reap what you sow And I can see you in my fate And I know, I know, I am what I am The mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb So darling, will you saturate?

I know the way that it goes you get what you give, you reap what you sow - he doesn't feel like he is deserving of someone as pure and precious as Elain. He doesn't seem to really think he's deserving of anything or anyone at all tbh. His thoughts in the BC are so self-deprecating, which clearly stems from a life of not being understood and his childhood traumas I can see you in my fate - he feels so strongly for Elain, he's literally questioning their religion. He's asking things like 'what if the cauldron was wrong?' His feelings for Elain are what he's observed both Rhys and Cassian feel for Feyre and Nesta in their mating bonds, its like he can see Elain in his fate. (also, love that she's a seer and the little nod to that with this line) I know, I am what I am, the mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb - Azriel feels impure because of the things he's done in his life and the blood he's shed. He would refer to himself as the mouth of the wolf - deadly, sharp, vicious) and would refer to Elain as the eyes of the lamb (innocent, pure, precious).

Nobody can say for certain If maybe its all just a game When I open my eyes to the future I can hear you say my name So rain down on me

When I open my eyes to the future I can hear you say my name - I honestly just love the nod to her seer abilities again with this line. I would love to have their book involve Elain having visions about a future with Azriel in some way. I just love thinking about this from Azriel's pov and him being like "look, I'm not a seer, but I see you in my future"

ugh this song, this band, this ship!!! 🥰💙

[penroseparticle]

Penrose Album of the Day, Day 37: open this wall by berlioz

Surprise! I bet you were expecting a single song. Strap in though, I went a little crazy here. God this album came out literally a week ago and I am head over heels in love with it. Have you ever had love at first sight with something but with your ears? I have.

There’s times when songs or albums or artists or what have you grab me by the lapels and say “I AM SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO YOU. OPEN YOUR HEART WHILE I POUR THE WORLD INSIDE” and I am stuck standing, grinning like a fool with my open socket heart. I think the first time I was aware it was happening was at a concert. I was going to go see Reptar, a band the guy I was dating at the time really liked. The opener was this band I had also never heard of, Young Empires (I had barely heard of Reptar, to be honest. That said they’re not bad, Ice Black Sand is a good listen if you’re interested). The band started to warm up, they looked like nothing special, and well, then they started playing.

I was probably one of the tallest people at the venue of maybe 50-100 people, which was notable but not that weird. Sometimes being 6’1” makes you stand out. Or maybe I’m mythologizing the moment in my head; people tend to do that. Maybe I only remember the bits that matter to me. What matters though, and this is true- what matters is I was taller by about a head than every person in front of me, and I was 5-6 people deep in the crowd. So I had a full, clear view of the stage, and of Matthew Vlahovich (The lead singer). So when the song Sunshine came on, and I slowly realized that I was about to be carried away by this song, and be this band’s fan for life, Matthew watched the creeping realization and delirious, wild smile crawling over my face, the love blooming like a tender beansprout in my heart. And he pointed at me and smiled, still singing the song. I was hooked for the entire set.

I never remember it’s a Reptar concert, by the way. I couldn’t tell you a single song they played. But I won’t forget Young Empires.

I love when the message makes it perfectly to me. I love when I see the vision. I hear the secret. I can’t express what makes a song do this for me either. By all accounts I can’t even tell what gives a song that quality. What’s the rhyme, what’s the reason. There are songs I truly, absolutely love that did not strike me in that fashion. But there are other songs, or whole albums, where this happened. Sunshine by Young Empires. Smoke by Victoria Monet. And now ascension by berlioz grabbed me and never let go.

After I listened to this album in full, I went on a dive and the first thing I saw berlioz’s spotify profile. “If Matisse made house music”. Fuck that’s so pretentious. So. X meets Y. It’s essential, in a way. A great, pithy one liner to describe your music. But like. That’s so arrogant!!! That’s like calling yourself the Da Vinci of music. Like saying not only am I the best at what I do, but I’m directly comparable to not just someone equally as skilled in another medium. But long lasting and prolific. Matisse is a household name for an art style people couldn’t pick out of a lineup some days. And don’t get me wrong, some days I’m people. Matisse. Christ.

I literally can’t disagree though, is the best part. How shocking to be prepared for bad taste, only to find an apt comparison. Even the cover art is very The Cutouts meets Blue Algal meets Madame Matisse in a Kimono meets who gives a rats ass what I think. What do you think. What does this album art make you feel. Do you like it? Is the white background with the vibrant colors reminiscent of something for you? Did you mistake it for a work of art? Was that a mistake? Isn’t it beautiful? How lucky.

I sound like an art teacher. I should be embarrassed but I’m just enthralled. I sound pretentious. Like this means something. And it does, but I don’t talk this way about everything. I don’t talk this way about things that I even feel more strongly about or find more important. Maybe I’ve gotten old, or joy is infectious, or I just like writing words in any order. Maybe everyone else knows the secret that music should enthuse. I don’t know. I just know this album makes me feel like it’s a balmy summer night, which is lucky, because it is. And I want to tell everyone.

Berlioz wants that too- his first EP was titled jazz is for ordinary people. There’s this sentence my roommate used and I’ve never really forgotten it. “People wear jewelry to tell you something”. And well. Artists name tracks to tell you something to. They reference to tell you something. They choose album art. To tell you something. The medium? It’s calling you, and the metadata berlioz has included in his work smacks you over and over again- this music is not special, or for smart people, for the erudite or the well read or the people who can use the big fancy music words. This music was for you. For me. It’s for us to enjoy. Period.

Matisse made art like a good comfy armchair, and berlioz makes art like the music playing in the coffee shop with that armchair in it. So the comparison isn’t a bad one, OK. That’s not to say I think berlioz is Matisse levels of good. I’m saying he has an understanding of narrative. Of evocation. I’m saying he might be a wizard, perhaps. (I guess I AM saying berlioz might be Matisse levels of good, but a good debut is simply that, right?). Matisse is even sampled on one of his works- la danse, from 2022. He gave a radio interview and berlioz just. Sampled his inspiration.

There’s a Rolling Stone Interview where he’s talking about his sample work actually and I do love what he says- he’s talking about the Nancy Wilson sample from open this wall (the namesake track), and what he says about spontaneity and how sampling can be more evocative due to its nature, like. The fact that any sample is not intended for use in the song it’s being used in, so it’s earnest and somehow, despite being recorded many moons ago, fresh and spontaneous. A thought fully formed springing from the head, like Athena. I think jazz, house, and black classical (ode to rashaan was very clear ok) all lend themselves to this dreamy, illustrative, almost building block-esque feel that a lot of Matisse’s art gives me. Dance (I) but given auditory form. Where you can take pieces and fit them together and have something that’s more than the sum of its parts.

Open This Wall is 34 minutes long. 34 minutes! She is baby. She is tiny. I want to hold her, this newborn babe, carried into this world so gently, with such promise. I don’t think anything really taught me about potential as much as this tiny musical blip. This short, infinitesimal series of soundwaves. This cosmic ant of an album, engulfed by the world and not even trying to hide it. 34 minutes isn’t just enough. It’s perfect. Ascension grabs you with some truly smooth saxophone (I hope most ardently that it’s Attlee himself playing it) and just the most quietly groovable house track you’ve ever rolled molly to. And 30 minutes later you’re free. But changed.

This music simultaneously is music I think I could dance with someone to. Music I could make dinner to. Music I could read to. Music I could fall asleep to. This is music, most importantly, I would wholeheartedly recommend to you if you are excited to try something new. Dip your toe into some house music, or some jazz.

If 34 minutes is too much of your time, my 4 personal favorite songs are ascension, open this wall, something will happen, and nymtp.

You could, however, use this as an excellent jumping off point for some other music. My favorite thing about music like this is that. The samples are a way deeper. You can listen to Nancy Wilson. See what drew berlioz to her in the first place. On ode to rashaan, you hear a sample extolling black classical music, and the song is written about Rashaan Roland Kirk. Do you want to dig deeper, to find the connections? I’ll let you look up the sample. A good puzzle for those who care.

I genuinely, wholeheartedly loved this album. And hey. You could be dead right now. Go listen to something you love. I know I am.

[shojislady]

2. PISSBABY TSUKISHIMA

"BYE MA!! LOVE YOU TOO! SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL!" y/n screamed out as she shut the door behind her. today was the day that y/n started school at karasuno high. she wasn't nervous, not at all. y/n never had any trouble making friends. she was an outgoing person and was easy to get along with.

(lol imagine)

beginning her walk to school, she decided to text the group chat to see how everyone was doing. the gc was originally made by the twins and y/n for chaotic reasons, but sooner or later they actually used the group chat for important reasons like planning or just occasionally checking up on each other.

'i miss them, but I'm gon beat them up when i see them. wanna act all tough cuz I'm 10 ½ hours away. just wait till i visit them.' y/n thought.

this is basically the format for each conversation that happens. y/n going into the group chat to check up on everyone to make sure they're okay, then the twins start ganging up on her until kyoya gets annoyed and tells them to stfu because he's trying to relax and he can't silence his phone. it was funny because when they got back to school, she would pretend like nothing ever happened and continued to flirt with kyoya.

"oh, there's the school!" she pointed out to literally no one. there were a bunch of students flooding in the gate. "gauh LEE.. that's a lot of damn people.”

she continued her slow pace to the school, not really caring about what time she got there, as long as she was before lunch. she was gonna be a bit late, either way, seeing as she had to go to the front office for her schedule.

"well, time to go beast mode." #alpha

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

"All right Ms. l/n, welcome to our class! go sit behind yamaguchi. Yamaguchi! raise ur hand!" the teacher yelled out. y/n had gotten to school on time, but joined the rest of the students during their third class, since the VP took her on a small tour of the school after giving her the schedule.

she scanned through the sea of students to see a timid-looking boy raising his hand. he was cute, and looked to be a few inches taller than her. he had freckles and a nice mop of green hair standing on top of his head. if his face was red, he'd be a human strawberry.

with her black and blonde faux locs swaying behind her, she went to sit in her newly designated seat behind the boy who was now known as yamaguchi. she pulled out a notebook and opened it to a blank page, which was deemed useless seeing that she had already learned what was being taught.

bored, she pulled out her headphones, opening spotify, she pulled up her chill playlist, she clicked shuffle play, smiled, and relaxed a bit seeing the first song that came up. it was ' Big Poppa - the notorious b.i.g'. it was one of her favorite songs to chill to.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

"hey, it's time for science.!" was what y/n heard as she removed her headphones. it was yamaguchi, telling her that it's time for the next subject.

now that she had the slight chance to talk to him, she decided to say what had been on her mind for when she saw him.

"thanks. y'know, you're really cute by the way. you look like someone i'd accidentally bump into and you'd apologize and i'd say "no really its all my fault" then start talking to much cuz i got nervous. that's a compliment by the way."

'...huh?' yams was shocked yet confused. he wasn't used to out of the blue compliments like that, or really at all. especially not from girls, and a really attractive one at that. but aside from the initial shock, why the fuck was it so specific and detailed?

"oh! uhm- thank you! you're really pretty yourself!"

"thank you! and thanks for waking me up! wanna be friends?"

"oh, no problem. and sure!! "

'that was odd...' tadashi thought to himself as he turned to face front. "damn, that was quick, yamaguchi" his childhood friend, tsukishima, teased. "im surprised you didn't stutter ur ass off.”

tsukishima kei was a very tall individual. he had short, blonde hair and was more on the thinner, lanky side.

"oh piss off tsuki, ur just mad that i talked to the pretty new girl before you, loser." yams shot back.

(bozo😹👎🏽 take this L tsuki🤡 )

"whatever😒😒"

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

"hi yama! hi yama's friend! what are we doing now?" y/n asked. the bell had just rung, and y/n was too lazy to pull out her schedule.

"hi l/n! this is tsukishima! its lunchtime right now so we're heading to the cafeteria!!" he replied with a small smile on his face.

"BOOO!! the cafeteria sucks ass. that's why I always ate in the club room." y/n complained with a big ole thumbs down.

although she was pretty extroverted, she didn't like all the extra loud noise and nosy people. there are some hating ass hoes back at Ouran, but she couldn't give less of a fuck. all they ever did was talk shit because they were jealous of her relationship with the hosts, but she knew it was part of the deal when she became friends with them.

"wah wah, cry me a river. either sit with us or not, jeez." blabbered smart-ass tsuki.

"actually, you're in luck! we and a few others are all going to meet and eat lunch in the gym to go over some stuff for our club, you can join if you want!" yams offered.

she happily accepted the offer and continued to walk along with them to the cafeteria, then to the gym where they would eat. they stopped by the vending machine for y/n, because her thirsty ass drank all her water before lunch, now craving a nice refreshing beverage to wash down the curry she's about to fuck up.

after a few more short minutes of walking, they had finally reached the gym and heard arguing coming from the inside, not knowing that the moment she steps into that gym, she'd be going on a wild trip.

taglist: open and empty

guys.. dont be mad at me ik i missed my deadline☹️☹️

but im thinkin..

should i still write the beach episode for ouran? i have a few ideas for it but idk..

LEMME GO UPDATE THE OTHER BOOK

[scottyxkulkari]

[cis male and he/him] Welcome to Aurora Bay, [SCOTT KULKARI]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [RAYMOND ABLACK]. You must be the [THIRTY SIX] year old [HANDYMAN]. Word is you’re [ADAPTABLE] but can also be a bit [PESSIMISTIC] and your favorite song is [HELLS BELLS AND AC/DC]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [OCEAN CREST APARTMENTS]. I’m sure you’ll love it!

INFORMATION:

fullname. scott kulkari.

nicknames. scotty.

gender. cis male

pronouns. he / him

d.o.b. november 13th, 1987 | ( 36 years old )

astrology. scorpio ☀ cancer ☾  libra ↑

birth place. trenton, new jersey, usa.

hometown. multiple locations, new jersey, usa.

current residence. aurora bay, california. ( @aurorabayaesthetic​ )

occupation. handyman.

religion. not religious.

tattoos. scorpion on his right thigh ( reference pic ).

piercings. none.

marital status. single.

sexual preference. heterosexual.

family. unknown, lukas park eric kang ( foster brother ).

children. none that he knows of.

CHARACTER INSPO:

luke danes ( gilmore girls ), logan ( xmen ), wreck it ralph ( wreck it ralph ), nick miller ( new girl ), frank castle ( punisher ), bellamy blake ( the 100 ), joel miller ( the last of us ).

PERSONALITY:

+ adaptable, loyal, conscientious. - pedantic, questioning, detached.

BIOGRAPHY:

( tw: abandonment, death, cheating ) 

Where exactly Scotty Kulkari came from is mostly a mystery. Abandoned out the front of the New Jersey State Hospital as a newborn, all he has ever known is the system. Jumping from foster home to foster home for all of his childhood, Scott learned very quickly that people are mostly not to be trusted. Running away, starting fights, whatever he could to get through until he was old enough to be on his own. Deep down, he was always on the search for the family he never knew, but on the surface, he was simply the bane of his social worker's existence.

Around his fifteenth birthday, Scott was placed in the home of the Park family. A picture perfect suburban family with two child of their own, Scotty could never understand why they were opening their doors to the riffraff. At first it was an adjustment from the houses he usually stayed at. They welcomed him with open arms and every intention of him to stay. His usual antics of running away, keeping himself and being generally hostile weren't enough to deter the Parks, eventually wearing down his defences. He especially bonded with the eldest Park child, Lukas. A few years older than himself, Scott finally had someone to look up to. While the two were entirely different, their bond was strong and slowly, Scott felt like he had a family.

While he did age out of the system, Scotty stayed close to the family while setting out to do what he always wanted. Build a life for himself. He was never going to go to college, knowing that a GED was more than enough study for himself. More a tactical learner, he started a trade. It was easy to get steady work and his mind liked to dissect the issue, remedy the problem. Uncovering the mystery of why things worked the way they did was his happy place. Life was solitary, easy to move from place to place which was all he had ever known anyway.

It was a dark day in Montana, Colorado when Scotty recieved a call from his foster sister to say that Lukas had been involved in a fatal shooting. The closest thing to a brother he had ever had, Scotty was distraught. The Parks were even worse, the patriarch of the family inconsolable so he did what anyone would do in that situation would do. He moved back to New Jersey to look after the family, stepping into the shoes that Lukas had now left empty.

As the years progressed and life moved on, Scotty realised that he couldn't stay in New Jersey for the rest of his life and migrated towards Los Angeles. A blue collared shadow of a man in the city of angels would not seem like an ideal choice, but he enjoyed the quickness of the city. The sheer volume of people was enough to get lost in, plus he loved the nature more than anything. It was here where he met his ex-girlfriend. The first girl he ever truly loved and the person he was building his life around. In a moment of hope, Scott thought he'd finally found what he was looking for. Someone to build a family with. All it took was him coming from early from a work trip to find out that she'd been hooking up with her ex the whole time they were together. Scott wasn't the type to stick around.

He left Los Angeles like a ghost in the night, moving down to Texas. On a nightly scroll of Instagram, Scotty could have sworn he saw a candid picture of Lukas on some random artists feed. He wasn't much of an investigator, but he uncovered that this woman lived in Aurora Bay and it was enough for him to drop his hated LA lifestyle and head to the coast, needing a change of pace regardless. Maybe it was nothing, but something in his gut felt like it was too much of a coincidence. So now he's here to uncover the truth.

[yaggmur]

Ignore the first message, but I wanted to say that araf - canlı by mor ve ötesi is one of the best songs I've ever heard in my life! Thank you for putting me on as always xx

:)

you should listen "tünel" too. i relate to it's lyrics these days.

[markwatkinsreviews]

BOOK REVIEW: FOREVER CHANGES, The Authorised Biography Of ARTHUR LEE and LOVE ~ John Einarson (2024)

Jawbone press have just re-released FOREVER CHANGES, which is the authorized biography of Arthur Lee and Love. 

Previously out of print, this paperback edition has an updated orange / purple psychedelic cover and comes with a new Foreword, from Johnny Echols (songwriter, guitarist, co-founder of Love) The Preface is by music historian/writer John Einarson.

John Einarson

Of course, Love’s 1967 album, Forever Changes, featured the single Alone Again Or, which was a chart hit in 1968 and has been a Gold radio play ever since. 

At the time, “Dean of American Rock Critics” Robert Christagau reviewed the LP as follows:

Art-rock," sneers my wife, who's never heard it before. "Movie music," Greil Marcus recalls fondly. "I just played it this week," R. Meltzer tells me--and then places its release in early 1968 because it came out the day before a well-remembered abortion. All wrong. It came out November 1967, and neither art-rock nor movie music, no matter how fondly recalled, will permit a song that begins with an elegantly enunciated "Oh, the snot has caked against my pants/It has turned into crystal." 

Arthur Lee was always too oblique for his own good. Here he counterposes a background-music feel and a delightful panoply of studio effects against his own winning skepticism and the incipient Jaggerishness of his pseudo-Johnny Mathis vocals. Perhaps because it retains so much humor, his battle cry--"We're all normal and we want our freedom"--hasn't dated, the melodies really hang in there, and only Steely Dan has ever attempted a record so simultaneously MOR and anti-MOR. A- 

An A- grade in Christgau's Consumer Guide (for Village Voice/Creem) equates to being a very good record. Indeed it is.

And this is a very good book by Einarson with all the biog that fits 336 pages; FOREVER CHANGES is tightly packed with original details, large and small focusing on only child Arthur Lee, from birth through the age of "Flower Power" to a flickering-flame that finally burned out in 2006 due to leukemia complications.

One of the best quotes on the book is to be found on the back cover from David Fricke, of Rolling Stone: “Arthur Lee was the sixties’ first Black rock star, ruling the Sunset Strip when Jimi Hendrix was still an R&B sideman. Einarson draws on Lee’s unfinished memoirs in this frank, propulsive account of Love’s majesty and dysfunction.”

Overall, a critically important tome in the rock music cannon.

Rating: 9/10

JAWBONE PRESS | Forever Changes

Mark Watkins // 12 August, 2024.

[adridoesstuff]

Mozart L'Opera Rock song poster series (7/18)

Tatoue-Moi

"Why should I care about the stares

And the laughter at my quirks?

They are my wealth, my standard,

They are my world!"

[whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk]

Dance, Let it Be (ao3)

@nestaarcheronweek day one: dance. Set post ACOSF, there's only one thing that will take Nesta's mind off the horrors of the Blood Rite and Feyre's labour. Title taken from the George Ezra song Dance All Over Me.

Infinite stars and there’s me and you, there’s nothing needs doing, just keep on moving and be here now with me. Won’t you be here now with me. Dance, dance, dance, let it be— Dance all over me. 

***

Eyes closed against the darkness, Nesta felt the music course through her, slipping across her skin like water. It echoed, reverberated, resounded deep inside of her— so deep it could never be carved free, at one with her bones.  It was a piece of her she didn’t ever want to be without again, a fraction of her soul she didn’t ever want to find missing. It was exquisite, the burn in her chest as the melody crested and bloomed. The steps familiar and uncharted all at once as Nesta… let go.

Let it be.

I need to drink, Emerie had said, just days after returning home from the Rite. And dance until I can’t breathe.

But Nesta could breathe. For the first time in days, she could breathe, even though her chest ached and her heart hammered. The drums grew louder as the music swelled, and for the first time since coming home, she wasn’t thinking of the Blood Rite or Feyre’s almost death. Not thinking of the sacrifice she had made to bring her sister back, not thinking of the Cauldron or her father. All of it was forgotten, cut loose as Nesta drowned in the rhythm. All of her grief and aching, aching sadness… eased as she moved in time, wrapped in the arms of the beat. The horror, swept away on a swift, irrevocable current. 

The dance floor at Rita’s wasn’t a marble ballroom. It wasn’t elegant and refined— but it was enough. Enough to let her forget, to pretend the Rite and all that followed had never happened, enough to drink cheap wine and dance until the world forgot about her. Until it fell away completely, and all that was left was a searing melody— kin to her, somehow. 

Gwyn had declined the offer. Seeking sanctuary in the stone walls of the library, safety and security in the depths, the priestess had shaken her head at Emerie’s suggestion, given the Valkyries a wan smile and told them to go without her. Nesta had felt a kernel of guilt stir in her gut, an unease at leaving Gwyn behind but— Gwyn needed the library to feel safe, to forget. 

Nesta needed this.

Nesta needed to dance.

With Cassian and Mor and even Elain in tow, they had arrived at Rita’s. To drink, to dance. To forget. As Mor went straight for the bar, Emerie’s hand had been tight around Nesta’s own as the Valkyries headed for the dance floor. Cassian had kissed her cheek as the music pounded, and dimly she heard him asking if she wanted a drink, if she needed anything. She shook her head, and mutely, he took the scarf she had wrapped around her shoulders, fingers light against her skin. He kissed her cheek again, a silent declaration. Go, that kiss said, his hands winding in her scarf as he folded it, tucked it into the pocket of his jacket. His eyes glimmered in the faelights, bright and beautiful, as he nodded to the dance floor, to Emerie, her hand still tangled with Nesta’s. 

It was crowded— but they made room for her.

Cleared a space as she spun, alone at first, dancing mindlessly. The only way to clear her head, to lay to rest the memory of Gwyn bleeding in the snow, the sound of Emerie’s screams. To put to bed the sight of Feyre, her life slipping away and taking both Rhys’ soul and Nyx’s with it. Her eyes were closed tight against the onslaught, her hands and Emerie’s entwined again, entangled, with movements that weren’t polished or practised or rehearsed. Nothing like the way she had danced as a girl, and nothing like the way she had danced with Eris at the Hewn City. It was messy and undefined— catharsis in each spin, each step. A kind of healing magic all of its own as she let it wash over her, let it consume her.

The music changed, turned slow, and Emerie’s hand was suddenly free of hers, tugging loose as the Valkyrie drifted toward the edge of the dance floor. To Mor, standing golden under the faelights, holding two glasses of something that glittered and fizzed. Emerie winked as she departed, and Nesta’s hand was taken by another. A stranger, a hand entirely unfamiliar to her, a face she didn’t recognise. Her new partner was tall, willowy in the way that fae often were. An opportunist who had spied a chance to dance with Nesta Archeron and taken it, quite literally, with both hands. Nesta let him— this dance was suddenly a little more structured than the one she’d danced with Emerie, and she needed a partner, and though he was tall, he wasn’t tall enough, not the hand she needed to feel in her own. But he was here— and holding up his arm to let her spin, and spin, and spin just as she’d done at the Hewn City. 

There was nothing in her mind but the steps. The rhythm. The beat as she moved. A door closed on the horrors of the past few weeks as she let her head tilt back, eyes closed, feeling the music wash over her, carry her away.

Lost.

She was lost in the music, in a dance with no real steps—

Yet found, when a familiar hand brushed her waist, fingers searching. Nesta didn’t open her eyes as the fae that had been holding her hand slipped away, as his fingers were replaced with others, ones that fit more perfectly between her own. She didn’t need to look. Felt the music swell once more as Cassian’s hand rounded her waist, holding her as she leaned backwards, letting herself fall, knowing he wouldn’t let her hit the ground.

The beat echoed, reverberated through her chest, and he was there, holding her and letting her lead. There didn’t need to be words between them. His touch was the only greeting she needed, the warmth and stability of him the only hello she ever wanted. She didn’t need anything else— just his fingers woven through hers, his hand on the small of her back. When he pulled her up, as she rose onto her tiptoes, his lips brushed her cheek, her jaw. There was a soft smile on his face as she opened her eyes, storm-grey blue meeting hazel flecked with gold.

“I hope you don’t mind my interruption,” he whispered in her ear as a new song struck up, one even slower, with even less movement. “He was looking at you like he wanted to spirit you away.”

Was he? She hadn’t noticed. Hadn’t really even noticed the other man’s face, only danced until she forgot her pain. 

“Jealous?” she asked, winding her arms about Cassian’s neck, feeling both of his wrap around her waist, holding her to his chest as the music moved them along. A gentle sway, a breeze across a calm sea. 

He grinned, the faelights glinting in his eyes. “Always,” he murmured, lips close to her ear.

Her blood sang, sparked in the way that only he could ever manage, and this— Gods, this was what she needed. The music, the dancing, and him, holding her as she lost herself in all three. A smile bloomed on her face, genuine, for the first time in days.

“Understandable,” she shrugged wryly. “Twice now I’ve won a proposal from a single dance.” 

The lips that made her heart beat faster tugged up into a smirk as his hands tightened about her waist, and there was no denying it as they moved to the music, no hiding it at all. He was hers, and she was his, incontrovertibly. “And what would you have of me?” he asked, voice low, barely even audible over the strings and the keys of the piano. “For this dance, what would you have me give?”

Everything, she almost said. Give me everything, all of you, and take all of me in return.

She blinked as the faelights flashed, and hummed as she said, instead, “You could start with a kiss, I suppose.”

Her fingers strayed to his hair, running through the strands as he laughed, the echo of it reverberating through her chest, dancing along the bond that twined his soul with hers. 

“Start?” he echoed, raising one perfect eyebrow.

She nodded, and as the piece reached a crescendo, Cassian did kiss her. His lips met hers as he held her to his chest, his hands travelling up her spine, over the nape of her neck, until he cradled her jaw. He kissed her as though his world had fallen away, as though the band had stopped playing, replaced by music of an entirely different sort. Dimly, Nesta heard the piano still play. Faintly, the drums still sounded, but the only drumming she was aware of was the beating of her own heart and his, the bond between them singing, a song that was theirs alone. His teeth grazed her lip, and Nesta kept her eyes closed. This was a different dance, one she could move through forever. His hands strayed, burning a path back down her dress, back to her waist, settling at the curve of her hips. It didn’t matter that they were in the middle of a very public dance floor. Didn’t matter that there would be whispers all over Velaris tomorrow, about how the General had kissed the High Lady’s sister so brazenly, how she had crumbled beneath his touch. 

None of it mattered as the music played on and Cassian kissed her, her price for that dance. Nesta let herself be lost and found— let herself fall apart and be pieced back together again by him, by the music. By that dance with the steps that only they knew.

***

The lights were on.

Not the coloured faelights breaking up the darkness, but the bright ones overhead. The ones that signalled it was time to go home, a precursor to sunrise. The band in the corner had finished, and the dance floor was almost empty. She hadn’t realised, not until the lights flickered to life, that the only souls left in Rita’s were those about to go stumbling home. She didn’t know when it had gotten so late, or where the time had gone. It had slipped away from her, and though she could have sworn she had been dancing for an hour at most… the lights above said otherwise. The burning in her legs and the rise and fall of her chest did, too.

Cassian took her hand and tugged her away from the dance floor, taking her carefully folded scarf out of his pocket and draping it back around her shoulders.

“Where are the others?” she asked, looking for Emerie. For Mor and Elain.

“They went home about an hour ago,” Cassian said with a crooked smile, bemusement glittering in his hazel eyes as he untangled their hands and cast an arm over her, tucking her into his side as he headed for the door and the cold night air beyond.

“Huh,” Nesta said, feeling dizzy. She had barely spoken to her sister all night. Hadn’t said a word to Mor, and had barely seen Emerie since that first dance. She had been entirely consumed, wrapped in a dance that even now didn’t want to let her go. She felt the cool night brush her skin as they stepped out onto the pavement, a shiver crawling along her arms, but as she looked up, she saw the sky lightening on the horizon. The inky blackness was starting to melt, the stars hanging in a net of darkness that was growing steadily lighter.

Cassian held out his arms, ready to fly them home, but Nesta shook her head. Looked at the House of Wind in the distance, the lights still on as if waiting to welcome them back home, and then looked beyond— to the moon still bright, the stars still shining. The air was cold in her lungs, but fresh and welcoming, and though her feet ached from dancing all night, she wasn’t ready for home yet.

Not yet.

She wanted to eke this out a little longer, let the night stretch languorously on towards sunrise, not willing to close her eyes just yet.

“Can we walk?” she asked, looking at those stars, still bright in the fabric of the sky. 

Cassain shrugged, took her hand in his once again. “If you want,” he said idly, his siphons casting a ruby red glow over her fingers. He looked down at their twined hands, her palm slipping so easily against his own. Brushing a thumb over the backs of her knuckles, he lingered on her third finger before pulling her forwards and pressing a kiss to her temple. “Come on then, Valkyrie. We’d better start walking if you want to be in bed before the sun comes up.”

“And if I don’t want to go to bed?” she asked archly, but letting him guide her home nevertheless. He only smirked.

“I’m sure I could find some other way to fill the time.”

“I want to dance, Cassian,” she insisted, her fingers squeezing his as they reached the river. She stopped on the bridge that spanned it, listening to the Sidra rushing beneath. The dark water was a steady roar, an even, pulsing beat. 

“What, now?” he asked, stepping closer and putting his hands on her waist. Hers came to rest on his shoulders, before she dragged one hand down over his collarbone, settling above his heart. Silently, she nodded. She didn’t want to go home— she wanted to stay here, where the rhythm still flowed through her, where the only music was the river below.

“Like this?” he whispered, bending his head until he was at her ear. She nodded as he moved her, swayed with his hands on her hips. It was the very first dance they’d ever shared where she let him lead. Every time they had danced before, he had followed her. Followed her as though she could dance right off a cliff edge and he wouldn’t falter, but fall right beside her. This time though… this time, Cassian led her, his arms around her as his lips brushed her ear.

“You said you won a proposal twice through a dance,” he said, voice rough at her ear. 

Even though it wasn’t a question, not exactly, Nesta nodded, rolling her eyes as he cast her out and spun her under his arm. Right in the centre of the bridge, the sunrise blooming overhead, he reeled her back in, somehow knowing what she needed, knowing her steps before she made them. 

“And yet, when I asked you your price for a dance tonight, you only asked for a kiss,” he continued when she was back in his arms.

“What’s your point?” she asked with a shrug, both of her hands resting flat against his chest. His heart hammered, she could have sworn it did, could have sworn she felt it down the bond… But he shrugged so casually. 

“I think you might have sold yourself short.”

“Oh?”

He hummed, one hand moving until he found hers, resting right above where his heart pounded. His fingers brushed hers, lingered once more on the third finger. With the sunrise reflected in his eyes, Cassian cleared his throat, leaned down until his forehead was flush with hers. Her eyes fluttered, drifted closed as the dance slowed, and slowed, until they were barely moving at all. He exhaled, breathed in deeply, as though he were drawing her in, as though she were the only air he needed.

“Make it a third, Nes,” he said, in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

“What?” she asked, eyes snapping open. His did too, that hazel gaze rooting her to the spot.

“Make tonight the third time you won a proposal with a dance.”

She could feel his heart through the bond, but she was fairly sure hers had stopped completely. Stopped beating entirely and relied only on his to keep her afloat, to keep her standing. She swallowed, blinked.

“Are you asking me to—“

“I’ll get on my knees if you want,” he shrugged, a smirk pulling at his lips, a wicked glint in his eye that told her he’d get on his knees for her at anytime, any given opportunity, proposal or not. She let out a breath of a laugh, one of surprise and… and something that felt remarkably like ecstasy. Something she hadn’t felt for oh, so long.

“Rhys is already planning a mating ceremony,” she pointed out. Cassian shrugged again.

“So? Can we not do both?” He tilted his head, looking at her with an expression of such ease, all boyish charm and confidence. His eyes burned as he took her hand and raised it to his lips, pressed a kiss to the bare skin of her third finger.

“Marry me, Nesta.”

As the sun rose fully in the sky, turning the horizon pink and gold, Nesta framed his face with her hands. The birds began to sing in the distance as Nesta said, at last, the only answer she could ever have given. The only one that made sense.

“Yes.”

[sometipsygnostalgic]

“What Was Missing” to “Obsidian”- 10 years of LGBT representation in cartoons

Guys, it’s been 10 years since What Was Missing aired. 

Any Adventure Time fan knows what this is, but any cartoon fan needs to understand what Was Missing is the reason there was a big push for LGBT characters in kid’s cartoons. I’m not sure just how far its influence goes, but it possibly had a strong impact on the western LGBT movement as a whole - how gay people were seen in online spaces, at least, before and after this dropped in 2011 is very different. 

Back when Rebecca Sugar was a young storyboarder on Adventure Time, they were very keyed in to internet fandom culture. It was late enough that LGBT shipping and activism was becoming increasingly dominant, but early enough that LGBT characters in media were almost nonexistent, with children’s media in particular avoiding even the most background of gays. Even adult’s media tended to reserve LGBT characters as sexualisation or comic relief. Rebecca thought it would be interesting to try something on AT:

Sugar: Okay, well looking back on everything, I'm really proud of what we were able to do with the characters of Garnet and Ruby and Sapphire. It really goes all the way back to the time I spent on Adventure Time and when I got a chance to do some of the earlier episodes with Marceline and Bubblegum. This was 2010 so Don't Ask Don't Tell was still a national policy. It would be half a decade before same-sex marriage was legal in The United States and I wanted to do something with the characters of Marceline and Bubblegum but figure out how to get it on TV. The strategy at the time that I pitched was that because they're both centuries-old, millenniums-old, had a relationship sometime in the past and they're unpacking that in a way that would be apparent. That was the only way to be able to do something with these characters and their relationship on screen. As I was entering my show, I really wanted to find a way to be able to show characters actively in a relationship happening in real-time

When “What WAs Missing” aired, it was a week after “Fionna and Cake”, one of the most hyped up episodes of the series. Everyone found out about the names Natasha Allegri and Rebecca Sugar, and it seemed like AT was a series with a strong passion for fandom, very modern.

When the preview above aired, a few days before the episode, there were SO MANY EYES on it left over from Fionna and Cake. People IMMEDIATELY caught onto the romantic subtext in Marceline’s song. It strongly implies Marceline and Bubblegum had a bit more going on between them than a simple friendship gone sour.  Marceline’s feelings of resentment towards her ex girlfriend not seeing her as good enough were utterly transparent. At least to anyone keyed into the character. 

Unfortunately, it was not direct. And because of what happened next, it wasn’t going to be, for the next 7 years. 

The “Mathematical!” Controversy 

So have you ever heard of Frederator’s “Mathematical!” Podcast, where they posted Adventure Time animatics and modelsheets and discussed episodes? No? That’s because Fred Seibert had it wiped off the internet after they dropped their “What Was Missing” video.  

For context, Frederator is the production studio that is responsible for helping Pen develop his show and pitch it to Cartoon Network. They partnered up with Cartoon Network to produce Adventure Time, and had the right to share any non-classified documents. Frederator used to post storyboards for every episode, until season 5, when they studdenly stopped. I’m not sure if this is due to a change in their terms with Cartoon Network, or if Fred just stopped, but there are no storyboards uploaded for anything between “Finn the Human” and “Apple Wedding”, which is when Adam and Steve opened up @kingofooo​. 

Anyway, “Mathematical!” aired for the first 10 episodes of Season 3. It was fan oriented, like the videos about “Bravest Warriors” and “Bee and Puppycat” that Frederator used to share. It was directed by a gentleman called Dan Rickmers, and spoken more from the perspective of fans rather than anyone “in the know” about what the writers were intended. This part is important.  

When “What Was Missing” dropped, Dan decided to have the presenter talk about the romantic subtext in the episode. The podcast points it out clear for everyone to see:

So, they drop this podcast, suggest Marcy has feelings for PB, show off the now-famous Natasha Allegri’s crew art of the pairing, and ask everyone to ring in what their thoughts are about them getting together. And SWEET JESUS, this caused an explosion.  Word got around fast, specifically here on Tumblr back when it was the most active fansite on the internet.  Frederator recieved MOUNTAINS of phone calls. Mostly? Overwhelming support. But also, unfortunately, a lot of strongly worded complaints. Some from the AT crew themselves. 

Adam Muto, storyboarder on the ep and future showrunner of AT when the ship was finally canonized, was particularly bitter. He said the following when asked about the podcast: 

If it was just a fan video there would be no problem at all.

The problem was that it was made by a production company actively involved with the show.

The video took something that was a possible subtext and declared it, in effect, text and made it seem like the production was actively seeking out input on plot development.

......To be clear, besides Falling under the Frederator umbrella, the people who put together those recaps have no connection with our production. The last “Mathematical!” recap was unnecessarily sensationalistic. “Thumbs up for subtext” was a gaudy touch too.

Adam has never had any love for non-crew input on the show being mistaken as canon, but I have to be honest, considering he allegedly knew the truth of the pairing and was directly responsible for the subtext, his words here seem.... deeply confusing. Sensationalistic? How??? For pointing out a canon plot thread in your show??? Seems like Adam was salty that suddenly everyone had this much attention on AT for its gay characters. 

Dan, the podcast director, responded to everything with this post on tumblr. He defended his video, clarified it’s a fan podcast

Let’s talk about this whole Bubbleine thing. I direct the Adventure Time fan videos and episode recaps at Mathematical, and there’s some stuff going on about Cartoon Network and censorship. I think fanfics and shipping and LGBT relationships are AWESOME. Seriously. Personally, I also think Bubbleine is adorable and definitely my OTP for the series so far.

Mathematical can at most be considered a reaction to you guys, the fans. It’s a place for us to talk about what we like, and geek out about Adventure Time, and the production staff has nothing to do with it. So yeah, I think we all were thinking about Marceline and Bubblegum possibly crushing on each other after that episode, so I wanted us all to talk about it, but getting upset at anyone isn’t going to solve anything.

If you still want to talk about it, I think it would be a really cool development in the show, and between you and me, I’d be excited to see an american cartoon that is able to casually discuss LGBT relationships. I’m open, Mathematical is open, and we’re still going to put up a fan video tomorrow about…something. And if anyone else isn’t open, then that’s too bad for them, because I still love ALL OF YOU.

I also just wanted to say sorry to Adam Muto (Because it seems like I offended him, I guess?) and Rebecca Sugar for possibly distracting anyone from the excellent episode they wrote with two of the BEST songs in the series! Nothing but love for you two.

Fred Seibert, well..... He fired Dan Rickmers. Not just that - he told Dan not to go back into the animation industry. He threatened the guy, destroyed his career, and had him blacklisted from animation. 

Here’s FRED’S post on Bubbline (taken from Autostraddle): 

There’s been chatter on the internet recently about our latest Adventure Time “Mathematical!” video recap that we created, posted, and removed here at Federator. I figure it’s time to clear up the matter.

In trying to get the show’s audience involved we got wrapped up by both fan conjecture and spicy fanart and went a little too far. Neither Cartoon Network nor the Adventure Time crew had anything to do with putting up or taking down our latest re-cap. The episode ”What was Missing” remains a terrific short and will be shown again and again just like any other Adventure Time episode.

Once again, calling it “spicy fanart”, saying it went “too far”. What exactly was too far about Dan’s podcast???? It was no different to any of the other Mathematical! podcasts talking about shipping. Why is it suddenly a problem now????

Pen Ward himself? He just said that it was all a “big hullabaloo” and people had strong stances both sides so he didn’t want to say his thoughts. 

.....Now, imagine being Rebecca Sugar during this time period. You put in a little bit of gay subtext into an episode of a cartoon, and suddenly the WORLD explodes. The internet loves it, but everyone at Cartoon Network  and Frederator condemn such a thing, with poor Dan being the sacrificial lamb at the altar. It’s absolutely unjust!

As it turns out, Rebecca was starting to develop Steven Universe, and decided that the best way to respond to the backlash was to work in some gay subtext of her own. Adventure Time had a hard “No”, from WAY high up. Sugar has cited that the ceilings put up by Cartoon Network and friends around Bubbline were a challenge she became determined to overcome with Steven Universe. 

....And, it turns out, Sugar wasn’t the only one with the idea. 

The quiet road to gay representation in cartoons

Once the controversy dropped, the discussion about Bubbline completely shifted the landscape for LGBT representation, not just in cartoons, but in other media too. You had two pretty cool major characters, one being fan favourite Marceline, and the other being the main love interest for the protagonist, and you implied that these two ladies had feelings for each other, back when the protagonist was still chasing one of them.  It was unprecedented! Such a unique turn away from the classic YA gay dynamics of the “flirty cougar boy” or “sexy lesbian”, where characters exist purely with those traits and lack the dynamism of true protagonists or honestly written characters. Marceline and Bubblegum were a breath of fresh air, and on a kid’s show no less. 

...The backlash by Frederator and CN also, ironically, created an ENORMOUS MOVEMENT towards increasing awareness of LGBT people. People were asking themselves about their pre-existing assumptions on whether being queer was inherently an adult or predatory thing, whether it defined your entire identity. And while some stood by that assumption, many people upon getting the chance to reflect on it decided that no, that’s absolute bullshit, you can’t censor queer people, you can’t treat them like aliens. 

I was one of the people in this group. After I found out about the controversy, I did some hard reflecting. One of my best friends came out to me as gay, so I had a lot on my mind and was already in the process of changing, but Bubbline was where I committed. I went from an extremely closeted and self loathing teenager into someone who no longer saw those aspects of myself as predatory, who was determined to see those ceilings smashed apart and have LGBT people be seen as a normal part of society. 

The Adventure Time crew must have calmed down, because the subtext with PB and Marcy continued onwards into season 4 and 5. The bombshell episode was Jesse Moynihan and Ako Castuera’s episode “Sky Witch”, airing July 2013, which was the first time PB and Marcy had interacted since “What Was Missing”. This ep didn’t have quite the same level of attention as its predecessor, but it had this legendary and incredibly gay scene. 

While Jesse Moynihan tried to argue on his blog that this could be interpreted platonically and people were putting words in his mouth, anyone who watches Sky Witch today can tell that... yeah.... PB definitely has very strong feelings for Marceline. And considering the two of them made up at the ep, and there was further subtext in the later 2013 eps “Time Sandwich” and “Red Starved”, people were hopeful that Bubbline would get future development. The majority of the viewers had accepted that these two were ex girlfriends who maybe wanted to try again.  

It took a long time to get more, but the show fully committed to exploring their relationship as of 2015′s Season 7. This was after Sugar had smashed down the doors with SU. And while Season 7 didn’t straight up call them girlfriends, it got as close to that as it possibly could without CN defunding the show. Bubbline was no longer a question. It was very much canon. All it needed was that bow on top - the creator’s confirmation. 

....Other shows being developed after “What Was Missing” dropped also made note of the controversy and decided, “Hey, they tried to have gay characters in Adventure Time. People WANT there to be gay characters. There’s clearly a lot of institutional bullshit preventing this from happening. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we beat Adventure Time to the punch and got the first confirmed queer characters?”

Sugar was racing against theirself with Steven Universe. “Jailbreak” would air in early 2015 and reveal Garnet as two tiny lesbians in a trenchcoat. Very cute.  

Meanwhile, another show with a sizeable queer fanbase, “The Legend of Korra”, was developing its third and fourth season, which would finish at the end of 2014. 

Korra and Asami were involved in a love triangle with their teammate Mako. So, naturally, a lot of people shipped Korra and Asami together! Fuck this hetero bullshit!  For years, this was a mere pipe dream, a crack pairing. But then in season 3, they actually started to put in some romantic subtext with the pair, blushing and stuff like that, until the two girls were implied to hook up in the finale. 

What made Korrasami stand out was that it was the first time in history a creator had openly stated that major cartoon characters were gay. 

Korrasami is canon. You can celebrate it, embrace it, accept it, get over it, or whatever you feel the need to do, but there is no denying it. That is the official story. We received some wonderful press in the wake of the series finale at the end of last week, and just about every piece I read got it right: Korra and Asami fell in love. Were they friends? Yes, and they still are, but they also grew to have romantic feelings for each other. Was Korrasami “endgame,” meaning, did we plan it from the start of the series? No, but nothing other than Korra’s spiritual arc was. Asami was a duplicitous spy when Mike and I first conceived her character. Then we liked her too much so we reworked the story to keep her in the dark regarding her father’s villainous activities. Varrick and Zhu Li weren’t originally planned to end up as a couple either, but that’s where we took the story/where the story took us. That’s how writing works the vast majority of the time. You give these characters life and then they tell you what they want to do. I have bragging rights as the first Korrasami shipper (I win!). As we wrote Book 1, before the audience had ever laid eyes on Korra and Asami, it was an idea I would kick around the writers’ room. At first we didn’t give it much weight, not because we think same-sex relationships are a joke, but because we never assumed it was something we would ever get away with depicting on an animated show for a kids network in this day and age, or at least in 2010.

....After Adam and Pen had been constantly evading questions on Bubbline, it was.... so nice, to finally have a creator come out and say their characters were gay. Even if the relationship in Korra was basically nothing other than a handhold, it’s amazing how powerful words can be. 

And I think it’s absolutely no coincidence that they first started writing in Korrasami subtext within the year after the Mathematical! Controversy. I don’t think it would have been possible if there wasn’t such a warm reception to the Adventure Time episode. 

Then, just a few months later, Sugar came out with this beauty, which had been in development at the same time. 

And, yeah, let’s not forget other things: before EITHER of those aired, “Clarence”, created by former AT storyboarder Skyler Page, had the first gay kiss between two men. With Jeff’s moms being a lesbian couple! 

Allegedly it was going to be a mouth kiss, but it was unfortunately censored :( 

The show's writer, Spencer Rothbell, has confirmed that the gay couple originally kissed on the lips and one of them gave his partner flowers.

The scene was changed in order to get the green light from Cartoon Network, who air the show.

He later added: “It’s such a minor throwaway moment but I guess it’s better than nothing. Maybe one day the main character can be gay and it won’t be a big deal.”

...I cannot BELIEVE I forgot about “Clarence”. Seriously. It aired these characters the same time as season 1A of Steven Universe and season 5 of AT, and despite the minorness of their roles, and the questionable censorship, these were... explicitly gay human characters. 

Once Steven Universe got SUPER gay in season 2 onwards, things started to get easier for all the other shows, including Adventure Time. 

Nate Stevenson (on She-ra’s gay characters): Yeah, we began production towards the beginning of 2016 so honestly, even the conversations that we were having at the beginning of our plans for including queer characters and relationships was only possible because Steven Universe had done it first. We can point to Steven Universe, what you were doing there and be like "look this is working, this is getting support, fans are into this and it's getting this reaction."

Adam Muto (on Bubbline subtext, just before the finale aired):  That’s been an ongoing conversation, and I think where we are now is a lot different from where we were eight years ago. So, that’s the one heartening thing, the network has been dragged into having more conversations about that, largely because of shows like Steven Universe. Definitely Steven Universe. I mean literally, Steven Universe. That was the one that had to take the lead there. And it’s difficult because it’s not something I can say like, ‘Well, we just didn’t put it in because … we didn’t.’ This is more like we have to answer certain conversations. Those come out of meetings, and after meetings, and at one meeting they said, “Don’t do that, because we don’t want you to.” I think Rebecca [Sugar] was better at not taking that answer. She’s just so tenacious and passionate and that was such a big part of the story she wanted to tell that it had to get through. It’s not my story in that same way, so I didn’t feel like I had the grounds to do that.

Rebecca continued to face enormous barriers with Steven Universe, and tragically the show was defunded by CN International after Sugar pushed hardcore for the Rupphire wedding. 

However, because this wedding exists, and because it got such a positive reception, CN have been changing their tune about how they treat their young queer fans. They’ve gone from pushing them away to embracing them.

 Video linked here - it’s all the PB and Marcy gay moments from the show, retroactively relabelled as canon gay by CN itself. Holy SHIT. Unfortunately it seems they’ve made it unavailable in the UK recently. 

I didn’t think I would exist in a world where “Adventure Time: Obsidian” could exist. I was so eager for that episode when I was a teenager, but when PB and Marcy’s relationship stayed subtextual for almost all of AT, I felt a bit disappointed. 

It healed a hole in my heart when I saw the beginning of “Obsidian”. 

The purpose of this post, more than anything, is to look at how things have changed. To remind the younger bloggers today what things were like back in 2010, and how we ended up with “Obsidian” and “The Owl House”, where characters were not only openly queer, but this side of them was embraced by the children’s network. 

It is just... after 10 years of stoicism, subtext, being told that gay characters are too “spicy” to be open with each other and treated the same way as normal people, it is such a breath of fresh air. I think I about died when they started calling each other “girlfriends”. 

And yeah, there’s definitely a way to go. Just because gay people are more accepted in media by conglomerates who have decided to accept the money fans are literally throwing at them, it doesn’t mean that homophobia and censorship has been eradicated. These shows get censored internationally, or on repeated home viewings. They get banned, or not posted on different versions of HBO and Disney Plus. There are many instances where Obsidian is absent from the Distant lands lineup, or where their finale kiss was completely erased. 

In the real world, the alt right is growing increasingly strong. My friend was talking to me about how the France presidency is being competed against by three right wing parties of varying awfulness in the upcoming election. That’s going to result in a lot of pain for a lot of people, especially queer people, so hated by the alt right. 

But, yknow, it’s a small victory. And it’s an enormous one for the online gay community, in gaining the trust of families and the media corporations that have such power over how people are seen. 

A lot happened between the first and last time we saw PB with that shirt. It’s not just her who holds a powerful world-shifting sentimentality for the item. 

[casuallivi]

Azriel Week 2022. Day 2. Tragic Backstory

A Mother’s Love

Words: 1683

I was writing a HC, 200 words, 300.. them i got this, lol! Enjoy :D

Nyx uncontrollable angry crying got even louder once Azriel entered his bedroom.

"Save me!" Feyre pleaded with dark circles. “He’s been like this for an hour. I’ve bathe him, fed him, changed his dipper,” she waved the dirty dipper in his face before discharging in the laundry hamper. “Twice! I’m out of ideas.”

The High Lady buttoned Nyx’ green jumper and passed the baby to Azriel, who kept the screaming goblin at an arm’s length.

“Actually, I came for his father.”

He tried to pass the baby back to Feyre, who dived under his arm. “Rhys went to fetch Mor, and if I don’t go to the bathroom right now, I’ll explode! Hold him for me.”

She ran from the room, leaving Azriel and Nyx alone. The baby took one look at him, trembled his lips and cried harder. The shadows fretted around him, searching for the cause of his distress, not understanding what he needed to calm down. Azriel knew exactly what he needed. He marched to the light switch, turning the faelights down, the room being brighten only by the gentle hue of purple starts glowing in the ceiling. He cleared his throat.

"My mother liked to sing." The illyrian words came out raspy, the letters needing a harsher enunciation than the common tongue. "Every time she visited, she would sing to me."

Azriel placed his nephew chest to chest, holding him closer, tighter, giving all the warmth a child should receive. All the warmth he was never allowed to have. Swallowing the lump in throat, Azriel starting to hum the ancient lullaby, Nyx stopping his loud crying slowly, blue eyes sparkling with unshed tears, glued to Azriel’s lips. His chubby little hand touching his face as if he would be able to capture the words, ripping a smile from his uncle –a rare feature to accomplish, only achieved with ease by two members of this family.

Baby of mine, don’t be afraid Mommy is with you, everyday The dark will never, keep us apart When you close your eyes, that’s where I’ll be Holding your hand, guarding your sleep Baby of mine, don’t be afraid Mommy is with you, everyday They don’t know how precious you are But mommy knows, you are her shining star.

Azriel hadn’t heard that song in centuries, yet the melody came to him easily, the rude Illyrian language transformed into soft, soothing sentences. The heart of a mother trying to reach her stolen son. The song always took him back to his childhood day, unfortunately for him, the warm memories of his mom weren’t the only thing that resurface, the ugly side of his youth was there too.

Azriel spent the first years of his childhood locked in dark cell, his existence being nothing more than a punchbag for twisted family. The only person who ever loved him was his mother, a woman who Azriel was barely allowed to see save for an hourly visit once a week. With time, even this small happiness was taken away from him when his father’s children decided it would be fun to play with fae quick healing by burn his hands. From that day on, his stepmother forbade his mother from visiting, an vain attempt to hide the damage from his father.

Azriel was locked away in a worse cell. He had company on the first day, provided by a torch burning on the stone wall, placed way to far to give him a proper view of the other cell. All empty, save for his. When the light went all, Azriel was left completely alone for Cauldron knows how long, the deafening silence being broken only by his shallow breaths. He endured the pain, endured the suffering, endured the silence. He was his mother’s brave boy, after all. But one day. One day the pain of loneliness was to much for the poor malnourished boy.

That day Azriel sang.

The same song his mother always sang to him, the words barely making past his chapped lips, way too dehydrated to cry properly. That’s when they came to him. The shadows. His ugliest sin and prettiest salvation. His dark undying companions, nuzzling against his tired limbs, mending his threadbare smelly clothes, slipping under him to keep him away from the cold floor, draping over him as a blanket, the weight mimic the hug he could no longer receive. Once they started whispering inside his mind, Azriel thought he had finally gone crazy, closing his eyes and drifting into a restless sleep. Maybe death would pity him and take him that night, end his miserable life.

Except the only thing that ended that night was his status as a forgotten child. Azriel woke up with a start, alone, his brothers’ evil laughter and snarls traveling down the basement, metal bats rasping against the bars of his cells. They opened the cell to torment him, as they always did, grabbing Azriel by his collar, hurting his sickly wings, kicking and punching him. Except this time the beating was interrupted brutally. A swarm of shadows melted from the walls, the ceiling, the floor, attacking his brothers, their screams waking the house upstairs, bringing a mass of new faces into view. As Azriel cowered on the farthest corner of his cell, terrified the shadows would punish him too, the males goaded around him.

“A shadowsinger!”

“Cauldron boil me!”

“Congratulations, warlord!”

“By the cauldron, look at him!”

“A shadowsinger, my lord!”

“Everyone will fear your camp!”

The poor kid lifted his eyes, catching sight of his stepmother. She was lived with anger as he had never seen, kneeling with her injured sons in the circle of her arms. His father, on the other hand, had an expression other than disdain in his face for the first time since Azriel had known him. Later he would come to realize the expression in his father’s eyes was not pride, but jealousy. Inspite of Azriel being his son, his father’s camp allowed no bastards, only pure blood Illyrians. He prohibited Azriel from training in his camp, sending him to the cruelest Illyrian camp known by their kind, Camp Hellblaze. That’s when Rhysand’s mother’s found him, interceded for him, brought him to the same camp as her child, allowed Azriel in her home as if he was her own, treated him with the same kindness and rules she applied to the others, taught him what a real family looked like.

Nyx watched his uncle with fascination until his eyes began to lose focus, his soft eyelids struggling to keep open, his fist tightly curled on Azriel’s shirt. The shadowsinger repeated the lyrics again, humming long after the lullaby was finished. The vibrations of the music combined with a succession of tender smacks in Nyx bum were enough to get him asleep. Still, Azriel cradled him for a little longer, the baby’s smell comforting his dark heart, keeping his mind away from the dark memories of his past.

“I can’t believe he slept.” He turned at the sound of Feyre’s incredulous voice, her eyes shinning with relief. "What kind of magic is that? I was humming just like you taught me, yet he wouldn't settle for nothing."

She approached the illiryans, peering around Azriel’s arm to catch a glimpse of Nyx peacefully in his arms. “Little traitor,” she hissed at her son. Azriel loosed the tiny fist, and put the baby on his cradle. Soon as he was done with Nyx, Feyre replaced him, grabbing his arms dramatically.

"Unbelievable. Az, they don't treat you right in the house of wind, do they? I bet they don't know how to appreciate you. You should come live with me. I’ll appreciate you!"

"Don't let Rhys hear that."

"So what if he hears? I'm being serious right now. You don’t even have to stay in your assigned room, you can choose whichever free room you like… Scratch that, I can make you an even bigger room! Just say the word and I'll treat you really well, promise!"

Azriel extracted himself from his cling High Lady, the maniac expression on her face revealing how little she had slept in the last couple of days.

"You look tired."

Feyre let out a long breath, disappointed with his lack of interest in her proposition.

"Nyx is teething. Being a mom is hard! I have no time anymore. I knew Elain was my angel, but I didn’t know how much she really did until she was gone. Nyx misses her too, she said she would come see him today. I wonder if she ran into L–" she stopped talking suddenly, her eyes growing distant as they went when she was using her daemanti powers. “Rhys is almost home.”

Azriel bobbed his head,

“Then I’ll wait in the office.”

“…Okay,” Feyre clamped her lips, but didn’t comment on him using the opportunity to escape from her. She couldn’t blame him, Azriel wasn’t a talker, he had probably used all his words for the day. She waved at him. “Thank you, Az. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Feyre.”

When Azriel exited the room, his eyes went wild at the sight of Elain standing beside the doorway. Her head reclined against the wall, her eyes closed, her body perfectly still, half-hidden within the shadows casted by the big armoire in the hallway.

“Feyre keeps trying to figure how you calm Nyx down, but I know your secret.” She opened her eyes. Big brown eyes shining so bright his heart skipped inside his chest, a gentle smile dancing on her lips, “your voice is very beautiful.”

“He must like the sound of your voice,” she pushed away from the wall, “and your lullabies.” Without sparing him a second glance, Elain circled Azriel and went into the baby’s room, Feyre happy hushes finding his ears even thought he couldn’t discern a word of what she was saying, probably greeting her sister.

In the end, Azriel stood frozen in the hallway longer than it was acceptable, blinking his senses back to life before his brother returned to find him standing there like an idiot.

[vidalinav]

@imasconfusedasyouare 1) your writing is amazing and I love your blog! 2)For the prompts: Nesta is having a bad day with her mental health and during dinner or something the IC make certain comments about how she’s behaving that makes Cassian go into possessive-mate mode and snaps at them… pretty please 🥺

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1) Thank you!

2) I took a bit of liberty with this prompt. The gist of it is the same, but I couldn’t have Cassian outright tell the IC off when I feel he is wrong himself. So I made a fic where Nesta has a bad mental health day, they do see the others and they do say things, and Cassian is selfish but ultimately they get through it because love is not.

So… here goes nothing.

~

Cassian knows Nesta doesn’t feel good. Maybe he knows her well enough by now to sense her tells or some intrinsic part of his soul sings to him of concern. That when she huddles in their bed, grasping the pillow instead of his chest, she reaches for something he can’t offer her and he knows.

Even so, he lays a palm on her forehead searching for heat and when she shrugs him off, he doesn’t let the feeling make a home in his lungs. He will not yell or chastise or run away with stupid words.

Nesta doesn’t feel good.

Be patient, the voice in his head tells him. Be slow.

Nesta eats less that morning, eats slower, and she stares into space as if she’s asking it questions. He rambles on and she doesn’t listen. She’s waiting for the space to answer, he tells himself.

They go to training. Cassian thinks maybe the routine will keep her grounded, will remind her that she’s capable. That she’s carried more weight than a sword. He asks her if she’s ready and Nesta merely lifts her hands. Fists hit but they don’t hurt. Fists hit but they don’t rage. Fists hit and Cassian thinks something must be terribly wrong. Fists hit and Cassian only wants to hold her close.

He asks Gwyn and Emerie if they notice something off, and they shrug as if they know but don’t want to tell him. Perhaps they know and they just can’t explain. Cassian doesn’t think he could understand if they did.

You can understand, that little voice speaks. You just have to wait.

So Cassian waits. Cassian sits. Cassian listens, and Nesta walks around the house, trailing room to empty room. Nesta doesn’t even turn on the symphonia. He keeps waiting for music, but the egg shaped disk stays closed and Nesta shuts her eyes. Maybe she hears music that he doesn’t.

You offered her time, the voice reminds him. A lifetime of time. What is a few hours? A few days?

But Cassian doesn’t want to wait. Cassian doesn’t want Nesta to feel anything like this–where she looks out the window with that blank expression and she keeps to herself and she sneaks up so quietly she might as well be ghost. Cassian doesn’t want a ghost for a mate.

He can’t wait any longer. Cassian has to do something now, before time slips between his fingers and the floor drops from right under their feet. So, he moves. He makes plans.

Nesta doesn’t argue when he drags her to the city. Nesta doesn’t argue when they go to the streets thrumming with sound. Fill her with noise and laughter, he thinks. Fill her with something I can’t.

But the voice in his head only chastises him. You need to wait.

Cassian can’t wait. Cassian is running out of time.

So he takes her to the only place that will make a difference.

He knows they’re having dinner, and he knows they’ll be together and perhaps they can fill her with the life he can’t.

He takes her to his family. To her family.

But they’re not really her family are they?

Feyre is and so she’s happily surprised to see them, but when she tries to give Nesta a hug, she lays as still as a statue. Feyre notices. Cassian notices. Rhysand notices. Still, they go the dining room where the rest are waiting. Waiting less patiently than him.

That’s when he hears that voice.

Are they really her family?

Cassian wants to think yes, but they laugh with each other and Nesta gets handed a plate. Nesta spoons little handfuls of green beans and mash potatoes and Mor laughs at an inside joke that Cassian knows well and Amren wants to discuss a meeting that Nesta doesn’t attend. Nesta doesn’t know anything about any of the topics they want to discuss. Nesta sits in a tower on a normal Tuesday and gazes wistfully out the window, and sitting here at the table reminds him of that stare.

It reminds him of that stare years ago. On a snowy night in December.

“You’re quiet,” Feyre says after a while. Nesta doesn’t even notice she’s being talked to until Cassian elbows her lightly.

“I’m always quiet,” she says at last, looking to her plate. Cassian watches as a noodle forms a question mark and all he can think about it why, why, why.

“You’re not usually so…”

She looks up at her sister with that blank expression, blinking slow.

“Are you okay?” Feyre asks, concern in her voice.

Nesta doesn’t even think as she says, “I’m fine.”

But he can already see it. The distasteful looks that they hide with a snort. That awkward, you are ruining something look. That you didn’t bring enough smiles for this house. And Cassian knows that they will go home tonight, and something will have gone backwards. That they’ll remember what Nesta’s done, but the Nesta they see will be the first Nesta they think about, and their memory will not be filled with heroic deeds like nighttime fairytales. It won’t even be of a courageous young female who only yearns for her sister to live. They will see this Nesta.

This perfectly good Nesta.

This perfectly, acceptable Nesta. Quiet somber songs or not.

Cassian feels himself moving before he realizes what he’s doing. He can feel himself reaching for her and Nesta looks up as if his movement surprises her. It surprises him, too, but it’s the right choice he knows.

“Let’s go home,” he breathes.

Cassian tries not to let the guilt sink in his chest at her look of relief. The way she sets the fork down as if it’s a great, heavy sword. Cassian won’t let it pierce his heart. His heart is her, and Nesta is going to be okay tomorrow.

But today…

Today, she will watch the sky and listen to nothing and pace back and forth and she’ll feel that restlessness settle in her chest until it settles down quietly. He will protect her ability to grieve. For whatever she grieves. That layer of herself she peels off like paper.

“You’re going home already?” Mor asks, a look of astonishment on her face.

“Nesta doesn’t feel good,” he says. Some part of him wants to say that it was a mistake bringing her here, but he can’t do that. That only makes Cassian a hypocrite and he’s already selfish. He knows who they are. They’re not Nesta’s family…

And this is his fault, not theirs. Not only because it’s the last place Nesta wants to be, but because if he has a hard time understanding her, they don’t even have a chance and Cassian won’t let them make Nesta feel ashamed.

Cassian doesn’t want to make Nesta feel ashamed.

All day he has. When they go to the market, when they walk through the city, when they stop by restaurants and booths and people. When they go to this house and eat with his family, he wants to shame the bad day out of her.

Nothing about Nesta is shameful.

Nothing about Nesta can make him feel ashamed.

“Home?” He repeats and Nesta grabs his outstretched hand. She says a goodbye to Feyre who raises her hand with a small tainted, tilt of her lip. They’re there for a mere thirty minutes before they’re gone.

And when they get home, she goes to the library. Nesta huddles up on the sofa with her favorite book, and sometimes she stares out the window in between pages.

Cassian sets a blanket on her shoulders, careful not to touch her unless she asks. He wants to hold her, but it isn’t about what he wants. So he covers her in I’m here cotton, keeps her warm in I love you wool. He will set his I’m thinking of you tea beside her table, and he will wait and wait and wait. Wait until the night grows dim and he does.

And at some point in the night, he falls asleep on the large chair across from her. At some point in the night he feels her climb in, her body huddled close. Nesta takes the blanket with her and she covers them both. He only needs her, Cassian thinks. He only wants her, but the blanket lays on top of them like a shield. It’ll protect them both in its embrace.

Nesta tucks her head in his neck, he can feel her cold nose on his skin, and she burrows into him, her hands rummaging beneath his shirt. The touch sings as much as it burns, but he falls asleep to the sweet smell of lavender and the soft sound of her breathing.

It’s the most wonderful music he’s ever heard.

In the morning, Cassian wakes up to the symphonia playing and Nesta’s smile is the sun.

~

Fin

~

Tagged: @my-fan-side, @sophilightwood, @nestaarcher0n, @duskandstarlight, @soitsgorgeous, @ekaterinakostrova @swankii-art-teacher, @lordof-bloodshed, @arinbelle, @thewhelk, @daisy-in-danger @highqueenevankhell, @lovelynesta, @sirendeepity, @champanheandluxxury, @ladynestaarcheron, @moodymelanist, @teagoddess99, @spoilersteph, @drielecarla,  @angelicvoice19, @bo0kmaster69, @generalnesta

~

Don’t know where these fics keep coming from, but doubt it will last so I’m enjoying the ride.

[nitecourtfairytail]

Heavy Hearts

Elain makes a move.

Chapter song Making Eyes by Archers

This is the song that started everything for me. When I first heard it I immediately thought of Elain and Azriel and all of their angst due to Rhysand’s meddling. I repurposed it for this chapter, though.

Ch. 4. Making Eyes

Azriel and Elain had been awkwardly dancing around one another ever since she kissed his cheek. Once she realized what she’d done it frightened her how easily it had happened, and without meaning to she pushed him away. They remained in each other’s orbit though, too afraid to take things a step further-to acknowledge their feelings. They shared small brushes of their hands when passing, maybe held on the slightest bit longer than the others when they hugged. There was something charged in their shared glances that neither could name, nor did they want to lest they break the spell.

But tonight she wanted to-at the very least she wanted to know he felt the same.

So she’d asked Mor for help. The newest townhouse inhabitant had invited everyone to her favorite bar later and jumped at the chance to help Elain pick something to wear. She skipped from the guest room down the hall to Elain’s closet, ransacking her wardrobe until she came upon a dress buried in the back with the tags still attached. She squealed. Literally squealed when she saw it.

“If you don’t agree to wear this dress tonight theres no sense in going.” She stated, matter-of-factly.

That dress had been the first thing she splurged on after leaving Greyson, but could never find the right occasion to wear it. Strapless with a sweetheart neckline, the silky, cobalt blue material was covered by black lace, and cinched together at the waist underneath a leather tie corset. When she tried it on, the fabric flowed down the curves of her shapely thighs and hugged her generous backside. A jagged hi-low hemline giving the gown a slight edginess.

“Why this one?” Elain raised a brow in curiosity.

“Because this is the only dress that’s ‘you’-sweet with a slight boldness.” Elain couldn’t help but smile at that. “And also because I happen to know a certain curly headed man loves this color blue.” She said with a wink.

Elain sputtered “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about” she feigned disbelief, but couldn’t look Mor in the eyes.

“Yeah. Okay.” She responded, voice dripping in sarcasm. “Well either way. Put on your sexiest black heels and you’ll have to pick his jaw up off the floor.” She sauntered to the door, headed to her room and stopped just in the hallway. Looking over her shoulder, she caught Elain’s eye, her voice soft, but stern. “And remember. Even if you know with absolute certainty that you want to move forward, you have every right to say no. I know my cousin-he’d never push you further than you are comfortable pushing yourself.”

~~~~~~

Elain didn’t know what to expect of Mor’s favorite bar, but this lounge certainly wasn’t it. This was a place you took someone to impress them. The booths against the wall were cozy, with red suede fabric cushions and leather backings. The waitstaff all wore dress pants and white button down shirts with red bow ties and cummerbunds.

Mor had found them a booth in the back corner, and ordered a round of drinks while they waited for the brothers to arrive.

Elain swirled her drink-a pleasantly fruity concoction with mango and strawberry, and turned to Mor beside her “How did you know?”

“Know what?” Cerridwen asked curiously. The twins loved gossip, but they were the best secret keepers Elain knew. Enigmas, the both of them.

Mor slyly looked at Elain then back at Cerridwen “That Lainey here has a thing for my broody cousin.”

Both of the twins threw their heads back in laughter “was that supposed to be a secret, El?” Nuala choked out. “Girl we knew from day one.” Her sister confirmed.

“Speak of the devil” Mor whispered, nodding her head toward the three men walking in their direction. The four of them tried not to giggle, but they were already on their second drink and that apparently made them turn into giddy school girls.

Rhysand, in a sharp charcoal suit with a deep blood orange button down underneath looked as dramatic as his personality. The style gave a uniquely ‘Rhysand’ vibe: elegant and aloof, yet at the same time casual and charming.

Cassian had opted to embrace his inner ‘hipster lumberjack’ and wore fitted, dark wash jeans with a black and forest green plaid shirt. Instead of a belt, he opted for leather suspenders to match his boots. He pulled it off surprisingly well-his five o’clock shadow only enhancing the ensemble.

She heard Mor and Cerridwen’s awed approval of the trio and nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. The brothers looked astonishing, truly, but Az-he was positively sublime. He wore a white button down with a layered waistcoat-grey with black on top- over it. His sleeves rolled halfway up his muscular forearms, and the top few buttons on his shirt undone showing off his tattooed chest and a small chain necklace with a pendant. At first glance it looked like a cross, but a second look proved it was a tiny well crafted dagger, with actual leather on the hilt and a tiny blue stone on the cross guard. He still wore his usual black skin tight jeans, but chose doc martens to complete the look.

The men stood at the edge of the table, assessing. “Mor, my darling cousin” Rhys drawled, face alight with amusement “I don’t believe this booth is big enough for all of us.”

“Indeed, cousin” she retorted. “That is because at least some of us will be spending our night on the dance floor.” She pushed Rhysand as she scooted (rather ungracefully) out of her seat to do just that-grabbing Cassian as she left. They heard Cassian excitedly ask “Does this mean you’re gonna be my wingwoman tonight?!” before the music and distance drowned out their conversation.

Azriel and Rhysand had just enough room to sit comfortably. Elain was sure this booth was in fact the smallest in this place, and was beginning to wonder if Mor hadn’t chosen it on purpose. She glanced at the uneasiness of the others and asked if they should find a different place to sit.

They found a much larger empty area a little ways away with ample seating. It had a small coffee table instead of the dining table at their old spot. Ottomans that matched the red suede were on the opposite side allowing more people to sit, and the booth itself was “L” shaped with enough space for twice their group.

~~~~~~

Elain wished she was drunk. Maybe she’d have the courage to sit on Azriel’s lap-if for no other reason than to see his reaction. She couldn’t even look at him tonight. The fact that everyone in their group knew of her feelings toward the man beside her except him made her even more anxious-like every move she made was under a microscope so they could all talk about it later without her. It was a silly thought, she knew, but these ‘intrusive thoughts’ (as Thesan called them) are just that. Lies she manifested through her anxiety, and she had to work hard to push them aside. To not let them fester inside her mind.

Mor peeled herself off the dance floor to sit with the others for a moment and order another fruity cocktail. Elain silently thanked the gods for the distraction. “Where’s Cass?” Rhys shouted above the music.

“I played wingwoman, remember?” She winked, then eyed the dance floor where Cass and a tall slender brunette were lost in each other. Their lips unlatched as they turned away from the group, she had turned her back against him, sliding her hand up behind her to hold his neck while they gyrated filthily against one another. Almost in unison the other two brothers looked at the four women with frantic looks on their faces “Can I sleep on your couch tonight?!” “Oh no, Rhys. You have the farther bedroom. You don’t have to hear it as much as I do” “I may not have to hear it, but if I walk in on it again I very well may throw myself off a bridge.”

The brothers continued to squabble between themselves as the women laughed. “You two do know that’s a pull out couch, right?” An exasperated but playful look on Elain’s face.

The pair gaped at her indignantly while Cerridwen and Mor griped about a bet they had going over who would end up on the floor.

“We’ve stayed at your house how many times? And you weren’t going to tell us?” Rhys remarked.

“My sisters and I would often sleep in the same bed. It was comforting to us. I thought maybe you guys had a similar dynamic” Elain shrugged

“I-well for you that makes sense, but these two just wanted to laugh at our expense.” Rhys huffed

“Oh please, brother. As if you weren’t sneaking into Nuala’s room half the time.” Az piped up rolling his eyes.

It was true, Nu and Rhys had a friends-with-benefits agreement, but it was never spoken about. Like some sort of known secret, everyone just accepted that it was happening. Elain had always thought the two might end up dating, but there was no emotional connection between them other than friendship. Just as well-she had a feeling he and Feyre would hit it off.

“Fine. You can have the couch then. Nu, wanna go give Cass a run for his money?” He held his hand out-she quickly grabbed it with a mischievous gleam in her eye. “Oh we can totally beat that.” The two walked off discussing strategy as if going to war.

Cerridwen looked between the three left sitting, chewing her lip. “Mor? Would you-?” She nodded toward the dance floor bashfully.

“Really?” Mor beamed. Cerridwen nodded suppressing a nervous smile. “I’d love to!” The two seemed to float as they twirled around one another giddily.

“Well that just leaves us.” Az looked at Elain, uncertain of where they stood or what happened to make her push him away. “I’m not sure what I did, but I don’t like this, Lainey. It’s been almost two weeks. I’ve gotten so used to being around you, and-“

“You did nothing wrong.” She interjected. He stared at her wide eyed, confused..hurt. “I was wrong.” She grabbed his hand, interlacing their fingers. “I scared myself-got in my own head and allowed my past to interfere. And instead of talking to you and trying to figure out whatever” she waved her free hand between them “this is, I pushed you away. I don’t want to do that anymore” she took a deep breath. There was a lot they needed to discuss.

“Please don’t.” He breathed, eyes so soft and earnest. “I know that there are still fresh wounds that need to heal, but Lainey-Elain. I will happily accept whatever you give me. Please don’t ever think that you’re not enough. You’re everything.” He wiped an errant tear from her cheek.

“There’s a lot I want to talk to you about-preferably in a quieter setting” she giggled “but I want you to know Az, in case there was any doubt, I really like you.”

His face looked as if she had given him the greatest gift in the world-he was filled with pure joy “I’m glad to finally have confirmation. And for the record, I really like you too.” He paused, warring with himself over the next question “Do-would it be too much if I kissed you?”

Her cheeks hurt. She hasn’t smiled this hard or this much in her life. “Just promise me you won’t get upset if I ask you to stop-if it becomes too much.”

“I swear it.” He was so gentle. Every movement soft and deliberate like it had been choreographed. His hand cupping her cheek, pulling her in closer and closer, her eyes fluttering shut at the precise moment that their foreheads rested against one another. The tenderness as he pressed theirs noses together, allowing their breath to mingle before their lips met.

The kiss itself was chaste, and over far too quickly. She could feel he held back, that anything more would be her choice, and on her terms. He pulled back, once again resting their foreheads together, searching her eyes for reassurance. The hand that still cupped her cheek moved to rest on her neck, his thumb stroking her jaw lovingly.

She mirrored his actions, and pulled him closer kissing him again. There was no clashing of teeth, no tongues roaming-not yet-but there was passion. Lips interlocking again and again, cautiously deepening with each meeting. They were learning her boundaries-together.

Lost in their own blissful world, they hadn’t noticed someone standing between the two ottomans opposite the low table until he cleared his throat. They both jumped at the sudden disruption, turning in shock.

“Who the fuck are you?” Azriel felt Elain go tense and gripped her protectively. The man ignored him, his eyes locked on the woman Az held tighter. The man’s pupils were blown wide, enraged, with only a sliver of blue to be seen. His hands at his sides-tensing into fists and stretching out again as if feebly restraining himself from physically lashing out.

“Ellie.” The man’s voice was menacing. “I see we’ve gotten over our dislike of PDA, then haven’t we?”

Azriel watched her eyes grow with fear, felt her body trembling. “You need to leave.” He rubbed Elain’s legs that at some point had come to rest over his own, in an effort to comfort her. To remind her that she wasn’t alone in this fight.

Again the man acted as though Azriel hadn’t spoken. “Is this the piece of shit you were screwing behind my back? I fucking knew you were a little slut.”

“Lainey, you want me to take care of this?” He asked her as gently as he could manage, his rage at the bastard before them barely contained.

She turned her head toward him, finally breaking eye contact with her ex. Her hand still resting on Azriel’s neck moved. She curled her fingers and stroked along his jaw with her knuckles-the motion nothing but loving. Her eyes softened as they met his own-almost golden with his fury. “No, Az. Not yet. I need to try first.” She kissed him before moving to stand on shaky legs.

He wouldn’t interfere. He knew she had to do this herself. He would be her strength, cheering her silently from the sidelines; ready to sub-in should the need arise, but praying it wouldn’t come to that.

With her heels on, she was nearly eye to eye with Greyson. Her hands balled into fists at her side, she walked toward him, gaining confidence with each stride. “You have some nerve continuing these bullshit lies. I NEVER cheated on you, but I know you did. I had to go to the clinic more than once because of whatever YOU brought back with you, and pretend it never happened.” She was livid. “How dare you show up now and try to interfere with my happiness-my healing.”

“Oh, please Ellie. I gave you a good life.” He seethed

“YOU GAVE ME HEL!” She shouted “you gave me more trauma! You gave me nothing worth holding on to!” He slapped her. Azriel bolted upright. Elain held her hand out to him, silently telling him to hold on. She stood her ground.

“I never reported you, but I have plenty of evidence. Even your father couldn’t keep you out of jail if I went to the police with everything I have against you.” Greyson balked at her. She held her hand out to Azriel, which he instantly grabbed.

She started to walk away, Az in tow, when Greyson called after her “Fatass fucking whore. I gave you so much better than you deserved.” She tugged Azriel harder to keep him from giving the man the punishment rightfully owed him.

As they got further away from her ex, she turned to a still enraged Azriel. “I know you wanted to kill him. I did too. But I wasn’t lying about the evidence.” Her thumb stroked his hand in calming arcs. “There were witnesses when he hit me tonight-plus there are cameras in here.” His lips parted in disbelief-quickly taken over by a prideful smile. “I may have a lot of mental issues and blockages to deal with because of him, but he talked a lot about his job at the law firm-how if there wasn’t enough evidence against the accused the case would usually be dismissed or the evidence was ‘hearsay’ and inadmissible. I’ve been building my case for a while.”

“Godsdammit you’re amazing, Lain.” His voice filled with awe.

The pair found the rest of the group on the dance floor and explained what happened. “We’re leaving.” Rhys said decisively-as if there were any question from the rest of them. Cassian had left with the mysterious brunette at least half an hour prior telling Rhysand not to wait up (meaning he was going to her place). That came as a huge relief. As happy as she was with how things went tonight with Az, Elain wasn’t sure if she could handle him sleeping under the same roof just yet,

The group said their goodbyes outside of Rita’s. When it was her turn to say goodbye to Az, it was as if everyone else felt the tension and stepped away to give them some semblance of privacy. “Let me know when you get home tonight, please.” He was worried-scared of what had happened and the possibilities of what could happen now that Greyson was making his presence known again.

“I swear it.” She giggled. He kissed the top of her head, and she could feel him smiling against her hair. “I never got the chance to tell you, by the way, that you clean up quite nicely.” She pulled away and winked at him.

There was a glint in his eye as he leaned forward, breath tickling the shell of her ear. His deep voice turned raspy “and you, sweetheart, are absolutely ravishing.”

Her breath caught in her throat. “I-um-“ her throat bobbed. “I-I’ll text you. In just a little bit, okay?” She stammered nervously. He smiled in answer, quickly kissing her lips, and beginning to walk toward Rhysand’s car. “I look forward to it.”

~~~~~~

“There’s so much I could say to you but I think I’ll hold my tongue.” Elain sang with such emotion. She couldn’t help the tears lining her eyes or the raspiness of her voice, but it added intensity to the vocals. “Cause what’s the point in hanging on when I’d rather be done-”

She’d been putting off this assignment for weeks now, unable to put her thoughts into words. Students had to perform an original song for the class before the end of the semester-needless to say the previous night had given her plenty to think about, and finally the words came flooding out of her. It only took five minutes to write the lyrics, another ten to figure out the chords before she was emailing her professor to ask permission to perform Tuesday in class.

Tuesday afternoon, she gathered Nuala, Cerridwen, and Vassa at the townhouse for an impromptu meeting/practice session.

“My professor loved the song so much he told me I should perform it for the Academy Expo event next weekend.” She beamed at her band mates “I told him I would, as long as I could do it with my band instead of acoustically, since everyone here is also in the Academy’s music programs.”

“Oh my gods, you’re KIDDING” Vassa leapt onto Elain, squeezing her tightly.

“I know. I’m beyond excited, but that means we have a little over a week to learn the song.” She ran a hand over her face. “Let’s get to it”

~~~~~~

Elain had gotten ready for bed, but sleep didn’t find her. There was too much on her mind- her sisters, the song, Greyson showing back up-Azriel.

She really hadn’t known him long, and that first night was….something. Though his first words to her had been about her ass, and he’d scared her so badly she hit her head on the nightstand, they almost instantly clicked.

It all started with pancakes.

—

She finally found out she wasn’t the only person who preferred Nutella instead of syrup. At first she assumed he did it because he was drunk, but then Rhys mentioned him ‘still doing that’.

“Of course I still do this. It’s delicious, which you’d know if you weren’t such a purist and actually gave something other than syrup it a chance.” He had told his brother, pointing at him with a bite of pancake covered in the chocolatey spread on his fork.

Cassian noted the mystified look on Elain’s face as she stared at Azriel. “I know, right. It’s fuckin weird.”

“What’s weird is that I’ve never met another person who prefers their pancakes with Nutella. My sisters used to give me so much shit about it.”

Rhysand rubbed the bridge of his nose while mumbling “Oh fuck. There’s two of them now.” While Azriel pointed his re-loaded fork at Elain “THANK YOU! Finally someone with taste buds!”

—

While, yes, she found him insanely attractive, they also had a ton of things in common, and that 3am breakfast was just the beginning of a fast friendship.. that was steadily evolving into something..different. Elain couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that’s the key to a lasting, honest relationship-being friends first. Having that connection as well as a romantic one, and maybe they both played into the physicality?

Her thoughts drifted to the intimacy she craved-with him.

Her door was closed, she was the only one awake-she allowed the thoughts that entered her mind-and followed to see how far they went. She thought about the feel of his lips-so soft and gentle-such a contrast from his outwardly rough demeanor. She imagined his lips exploring her neck, her chest, followed by his magnificent hands. Pinching and rolling her nipples, teasing her between her legs.

Would he be rough with her? There had always been a part of her that enjoyed being told what to do in bed, a part that enjoyed being controlled and taken, but there was never any give in the past. Her ex never gave her any leeway-no safe words, or motions-and if he did he ignored when they were used. She liked being submissive and reminded how well she’s taking a cock; of how much of a “good girl” she was, but she needed to know that if it ever became too much that there would be an immediate end.

Everything she knew about Azriel screamed that he would respect her. He would never allow himself to take things too far. Something inside of her knew that she would be safe with him, but she was unable to continue. Couldn’t get past that barrier of fear to let herself find release. She groaned in defeat, rolling over to sleep.