#the fic is not done and it is very hurtful

[ramp-it-up]

Ties That Bind

Peach VII | Next Part

Summary: Steve and Peach have thier first fight as newlyweds.

Pairing: Art Dealer (Mob Boss) Steve Rogers x Dancer!Reader (Peach)

A/N: Not sure If I am correct about any element of shibari, but I tried. Really nervous. This fic is a Peach Fic and is connected to the Bucky Barnes Knock You Down AU, and comes after the events in Peach VII. Interaction is life! Let me know if you like it by commenting and reblogging.

Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI. SMUT. Read at your own risk. Shibari (may not be well written, sorry.) Peach Peaching, Steve is angry and scared, first fight. Allusions to violence, talk of pregnancy, mistaken identity, veiled threats. Trust is a major theme. Rope play, dominance, submission, oral, (f and m receiving), nipple play, spit play, ass play, reference to anal, rough, raw p in v, sensory overload, breeding kink, 'lil bit of knife play, aftercare.

I don't have a taglist. Please follow @rampitupandread and turn on notifications to learn when I post! 😘

I Do NOT Consent to my work being reposted, translated or presented on any other blog or site other than by myself.

--------

You woke up before dawn, Steve’s arm draped over your waist and pulling you to him, his warmth wrapping around you and forming a secure cocoon.

You smiled as you gazed at his sleeping face, lightly brushing back the dark blond hair that had fallen over his face.

You were still tripping over the fact that you were Mrs. Steve Rogers.

He made you very happy.

These past few weeks were a wonderful whirlwind of love and affection. Steve was consistently attentive to you and gave you anything you wanted. 

And he was square with you about the realities of his life.

He, Bucky, Nat and Sam had made a lot of money, not only for themselves, but for the people they’d done business with. And some people were angry that it was over.

You heard that, but you didn’t listen.

And you’d left lots of loose ends in Atlanta.

There was Peach Preserves, your dance studio, and your students to think about. This was the preparation week for classes to begin again after the holidays, and you weren’t there to do your work.

Dance was your first love, and you didn’t want to give that up. Steve didn’t want you to either, he just wanted you to hire help and work out a schedule where you could have time together as a couple.

And then there was the question of where you would live, Atlanta or New York.

You were antsy to get back to Atlanta, but Steve wanted you to wait a couple of days longer to go down.

He’d distracted you the night before with some stunning cunnilingus, and a thorough rough fucking that you could still feel as you shifted in the bed. 

You bit your lip and smiled wider.

Being Mrs. Rogers had its benefits: Steve’s thick, stiff cock was top three. And it was always ready for you. That helped because you always wanted it. But he couldn’t distract you with that for long.

You were bound and determined that you were grown and that you could handle going to Atlanta by yourself. After all, it had been your city for almost 10 years before he came along.

It would be fine. And today was the day.

Before you escaped the bed, you let yourself revel in the warmth of Steve’s arms, daydreaming about letting him wake up, pull you close, press a kiss to your shoulder, and convince you, yet again, that waiting a little longer wouldn’t hurt.

It would be easy to just go with his flow. But you were you. You loved doing things the hard way.

You slipped from under his arm, moving slowly and carefully, barely breathing. Steve stirred but didn't wake.

Breathing a small sigh of relief, you dressed quickly. Your bag was already packed, tucked behind the closet door. You grabbed it, hesitating for only a second before leaving a note on the nightstand.

I’ll call you when I land. Love you.-- Your Peach

The rideshare to the airport was quiet, but your thoughts weren’t. You knew Steve would be upset when he woke up.

----

Steve reached out, fingers brushing the cool sheets where you should have been. His chest tightened before he even opened his eyes. He knew something was off.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat, scanning the room. Maybe you were making breakfast, or in the dance studio, but before he could go see if you were there, his eyes settled on the nightstand, and there it was.

A small piece of folded paper.

His heart thudded as he picked it up, unfolding it with fingers that suddenly felt too stiff as he read it.

Steve exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair. Atlanta. You went. Even after everything you talked about, after he told you to wait, after he swore he’d go with you.

A slow burn of frustration and worry curled in his stomach. That feeling was rare before he met you. But then again, all feelings were rare before he met you.

Steve shook his head.

You thought you’d be fine. Of course, you did. That was just who you were, stubborn, independent. And that was why he loved you. But you didn’t know the danger, not like he did.

His jaw clenched as he reached for his phone. His fingers flew over his phone’s keyboard, and he took deep breaths to calm down. Then he went to his closet.

He needed to get to Atlanta.

-----

The second your plane landed in Atlanta, and you turned off airplane mode, your phone buzzed.

You really think you can just run off like that?

The message was from hours ago, when you were in the air. You exhaled slowly, gripping your phone as you replied.

I had to.

Almost immediately, three dots appeared. Stopped. And then appeared again.

You should’ve waited for me, Peach.

You closed your eyes. You could hear his voice in the words, low and growly. You loved him, but you weren’t quite willing to give up all of your spirit and independence.

The studio needs me.

A full minute passed. You didn’t move, despite others around you getting ready to deboard the plane.

I know that. But I need you to trust me. I need to be able to trust you. I need you to be with me, present in this marriage. Need you to be safe.

Shit, Peach, I just need you.

Your stomach was in knots. You didn’t have an answer to that. So you just said the only thing you could.

I love you.

The dots again

Love you, too. But this discussion isn’t over. 

Your heart started beating fast because you knew that he was coming for you. You knew he would never, ever hurt you, but you were filled with anxiety for what was going to happen when you saw him again. 

You locked your phone and got ready to walk off the plane, your heart pounding.

—--

The sun was setting by the time you pulled up to your townhouse, exhaustion weighing heavy in your bones. The day was long, checking in on your students, arranging for instructors and making sure the studio could run with you there day to day for a while.

You should have felt relieved. 

Instead, all you felt was restless. You missed your husband. Steve hadn’t texted again since you landed this morning.

You stepped onto the porch of your place, fishing your keys from your bag, when the hairs on the back of your neck rose.

That familiar tingle was there, the extra sense that alerted you to danger back when late nights at Regine meant dealing with more than just drunk men and bad tips. 

Someone was watching you.

“Well, well, well.”

You froze, fingers tightening around your keys. You knew that voice. 

You turned around slowly to find Sully leaning against his car at the curb, arms crossed and a smirk twisting his mouth. 

He looked the same as he did the last time you saw him, right before Steve forced him out of Regine. But there was something different in his eyes now. 

Your stomach flipped, but you kept your face neutral. 

“Sully.”

He pushed off the car, walking toward you with slow, deliberate steps. 

“Heard you and Grant, or should I say Steve, took a little honeymoon.” 

His eyes dropped to your stomach, then back up to your face. 

“Didn’t take long for him to knock you up, huh?”

You didn't flinch or react at all, although you were confused.

“Now that you know who he is, you can probably guess that Steve wouldn’t take kindly to people showing up at his wife’s place uninvited.”

You hoped that Steve was really coming.

Sully laughed, a hollow sound.

“Is that so?” 

He tilted his head, watching you like he was trying to figure out how much of a fight you’d put up. He should’ve known from seeing you scrap a couple of times at the club. 

“See, I think Steve’s real good at running his mouth. All talk and no action. He let you come back here. Alone.”

You wanted to laugh out loud. Let this asshole fuck around and find out with Steve Rogers.

“What do you want, Sully?” 

You kept your voice calm and controlled.

His smile faded. 

“I want what I’m owed.”

You rolled your eyes.

“What are you even talking about, Sully?”

He stepped closer to you, and you didn't back away.

“You and that attitude, Peach. ‘S gonna get you hurt one day. I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Your husband put me out on my ass, and now, I’m gonna return the favor.” 

His lips curled as his eyes swept down your body again.

“And since you’re carrying the next little Rogers/Barnes/Romanoff/Wilson prince or whatever, that makes you real valuable.”

Your blood ran cold. That’s what this was. Sully thought you were pregnant. He had you confused with your cousin. He thought you were pregnant and that was why you and Steve eloped. 

Idiot.

You weren’t about to set him straight and put your family in danger. Your fingers tightened around your phone, and you forced yourself to breathe evenly. 

“Sully, you’re making a mistake. Whatever you think you’re doing? It’s not worth what Steve will do to you.”

He stared at you menacingly for a long moment, like he was waiting for you to break. But he was going to have to wait a long time for that. You held his gaze. 

Steadily.

Then, slowly, he smirked.

“We’ll see about that.”

He turned and walked back to his car. You didn’t move until the taillights disappeared down the street. Then, with shaking hands, you pulled out your phone and typed.

Sully was here.

The read receipt popped up immediately. Steve always had them on for you.

Stay inside. Lock the doors. I’m almost there.

—-

The traffic around him inched forward at a crawl, horns blaring. Steve swore under his breath, his pulse hammering. He needed to move. Needed to get to you. But he was trapped, locked in place.

You were okay, you’d just texted him, but he was beyond frustrated. He slammed his palm against the steering wheel, frustration boiling over. Every second wasted in this damn traffic was another second Sully could come back. 

His mind raced through every possibility. He should’ve been there. Should’ve made you wait.

He should have tied you to the bed. 

A gap opened up in traffic. Steve hit the gas, weaving between cars, eyes locked on the road ahead. He was coming. And if Sully was still anywhere near you…

-----

Ten minutes later, the knock at the door was heavy and deliberate. You don’t even have to check, you knew it was your husband.

Still, you hesitated, but not really out of fear.  It was more like anticipation. You exhaled, steadying yourself, and unlocked the door.

Steve was standing there, his broad shoulders tight, and his jaw set like he’d been grinding his teeth the entire time you’d been apart. There was a backpack slung over one arm and his eyes flicked over you, scanning, searching to make sure you were okay. 

The second he saw that you were fine, something else surfaced in his gaze.

----

The door opened and relief hit him first, because you were there, standing right in front of him, whole and unharmed. But the relief crashed straight into the anger, the frustration, and the fear that had been eating at him the whole morning.

He was still struggling under the weight of every worst-case scenario still running through his brain.

Still, despite everything, when Steve’s eyes locked onto yours, he couldn’t deny that he was a simp because all he wanted to do was to take you in his arms. But something had to change.

Because at the end of the day, you’re his. 

You were standing in front of him, looking at him like you knew exactly what he was feeling. And that was the only thing keeping him from going nuclear.

----

You knew Steve was angry.

And it made you weak, wanting to supplicate for him and beg for forgiveness around his cock. But of course you resisted that urge and chucked your chin higher.

Steve never felt so angry and so grateful at the same time. But then he saw the glint in your eye and shook his head, almost wanting to laugh.

This is what it was going to be like married to someone as stubborn as he was.

He stepped inside without a word, closing the door behind him. The space between you crackled like a live wire.

“Tell me what the fuck happened.”

You crossed your arms and cocked your hip meeting his stare head-on. Steve was angry and hard, ready to fuck you into submission.

But first he needed answers. You told him what happened, including the most important part.

“Sully thinks I’m pregnant.”

Steve’s entire body went rigid. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, and for a second, he didn't say anything.

Sully was threatening his family?

For half a second, the blood rushed in his ears as the adrenaline flooded his senses, and he had the urge to tear something apart. He had to consciously slow his breathing to keep from running out of the door after Sully.

“He what?”

“He thinks that’s why we eloped,” you said, keeping your voice steady. 

Steve turned away for a second, dragging a hand down his face like he was trying to keep himself from exploding. It didn’t work.

“He came here,” he turned back to you, eyes flashing, voice barely controlled.

“Because he thought you were carrying my kid?”

You nodded.

He stared at you before stepping closer. You were looking up at him, breathing his air, looking into those l blue eyes, with everything on you that could get erect standing at attention. This was going to be your first fight.

And what a fight it was.

“And you didn’t think to tell me the second it happened?”

“I did–”

“Not after, Peach," he interrupted.

“Not when he was already gone. When he was here. When you were standing face-to-face with the sonofabitch who threatened what was mine?”

“Steve, I handled it.”

“Oh. You handled it.” 

His hands raised to the sky and then raked through his hair, wild with frustration. 

“You think telling a man like Sully to fuck off is handling it?”

“I think if I’d called you while he was still here, you’d be dealing with a murder charge right now,” you snapped back.

Steve stared you down and you didn’t break eye contact. Neither did he. The air between you was thick, buzzing, and charged with frustration. You longed to put your arms around his neck and turn back time to the chalet. 

But the honeymoon was over.

Finally Steve took a slow breath.

“Sully needs to understand that he doesn’t threaten my family. Or his threat needs to be eliminated.”

Steve pulled out his phone without another word, already dialing. He paced the living room as it rang, muscles still wound tight. You watched him, fighting the urge to touch him.

His eyes were on you the entire time.

“You should’ve waited for me,” he said suddenly, voice quieter, but still railing, his anger simmering all over him. 

You exhaled, leaning against the table. 

“I know.”

He shook his head, not looking at you. His free hand gripped the back of his neck like he was trying to keep himself grounded. The call connected.

“Buck,” he said, his voice deadly calm. 

“We’ve got a problem.”

—--

Steve hung up the call with Bucky, his grip on the phone so tight you half expected it to snap in his hand. His jaw was clenched, his breathing measured, like he was barely keeping himself in check.

“What did he say?” you asked carefully.

“He’s on his way to get her now. Said he’d call me once they’re somewhere safe.” 

Steve finally looked at you, and the intensity in his eyes made your stomach flip. 

“I should’ve been here.”

You crossed your arms, lifting your chin. 

“And what? Sully shows up, you do whatever mafia thing you do, or worse, he does something to you and now we’ve got a problem and if you get killed or go to jail now, Steve Rogers, I will murder you.”

Steve moved closer to you, the space between you shrinking. 

“The problem is that you were alone. I wasn’t here to protect you. That is my one job in this life.”

You cocked your head and smiled at him, your heart wrenching.

“Baby. That is not your one job in life. You do lots of good work in the art world, with Rebirth…I can take care of myself, Steve.”

His jaw ticked. 

“That’s not the point.”

“What is the point, then?” You held your ground. “Because as far as I can tell, I handled it.”

Suddenly, Steve moved, and although you expected him to come for you, he stepped past you, toward the door, his voice low and sharp. 

“I’m going to find him.”

Your reaction was immediate.

“Steve, don’t!”

He stopped at the door, his hand on the knob, thinking about tracking Sully down, and putting an end to this permanently.

“He came to this house. He threatened you. That is never going to happen again, Peach.

Steve's anger was controlled. Focused.

You stepped closer, and he could sense your strength, the kind of strength that always had the power to stop him in his tracks.

“Steve, I get it. I do. But you just got out of the life. You wanted out.”

He turned his head slightly, jaw tight.

“I did. Because of you.”

The weight of that settled between you.

Steve could feel the pull, the fine line between who he was now and who he used to be. The life he swore he left behind was still there, still waiting for him to step back into it. 

“Steve, Sully wants you to go back to that. You gonna let him win?”

Your fingers curled lightly around his wrist, grounding him, but he didn’t move for a moment. Then, his fingers relaxed on the doorknob. The storm inside him didn’t disappear; it shifted. 

His priorities realigned. He chose you over his rage. Always.

You two needed to work this out. Immediately.

You let out a breath, but you both knew this wasn’t over. He took your hand, rubbing his thumb over your skin, watching the way your eyes flickered with wariness.

“Come with me. I’ve got something to show you.”

—-

Steve led you to the bedroom with slow, deliberate steps, picking up his backpack along the way. His grip on your hand was firm, to keep you close.

When the door shut behind you, he turned, those clear blue eyes searching yours, a mixture of anger and something deeper. You were so damn nervous.

Who was this man before you with this dangerous look on his face that was pointed at you?

“You don’t listen, Peach." Steve was willing you to understand. “You think you have to handle everything alone.”

You lifted your chin, defiant as ever. 

“I can handle myself.”

Steve let out a slow breath, a smile tugging at the corner of hisn mouth. He stepped closer, his thumb brushing your lips.

“I know very well that you can,” he admitted. “But, baby, you don’t have to. Not with me.”

Your breath caught, as his hand slid to your neck, fingers threading through to your nape as he tilted your head back, forcing you to hold his gaze.

“I love you,” he said, and it made your stomach flutter.  “And I won’t ever stand by while you put yourself at risk.”

The look in his eyes was molten blue.

“If Sully hadn’t left,” Steve continued, his voice rough with emotion, “if he’d put his hands on you… what would you have done?”

You swallowed hard.

“I would’ve taken care of it,” you whispered.

Steve hummed, like he wasn’t quite convinced.

“You’re not invincible, Peach,” his voice was softer now. “And you don’t get to decide when I protect what’s mine.”

The way he said 'mine' sent heat curling low in your stomach and moisture pooling between your thighs. His lips brushed your forehead, lingering there, and your chest tightened at the sheer devotion in the act.

Then he turned, reaching for the bag. When he faced you again, a length of smooth, ivory rope was coiled in his hands. Your stomach flipped and your heart started racing.

“Do you think you can just do whatever you want?”

You held your breath as he uncoiled the rope, and you watched his fingers working it with practiced ease.

“Steve,” you whispered. “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

His jaw flexed. His fingers paused on the rope. And then, slowly, he lifted his eyes to yours.

“Yes, I want you to trust me.”

You blinked up at him.

“I do trust you.”

Steve almost believed you as he looked down into your beautiful eyes. But then he shook his head.

“You didn’t this morning,” he said quietly. “You left without telling me. I need you to prove that you trust me to take care of you.”

“What do you mean?”

Steve stepped closer, jaw set.

“You’re scaring me,” you admitted, voice barely above a whisper.

You searched his face for meaning and he gave you nothing. Butterflies rioted in your stomach as he moved behind you and his lips touched the edge of your ear. 

“Good. You’ll cum harder that way.” 

You gasped as your cunt clenched. You couldn’t have heard him correctly.

“I’ll what?” 

“I need to remind you what it feels like to let someone else be in control.”

He slid his hand up your arm and turned your head so you could look at him.

“You gonna let me?”

It wasn’t really a question. But he waited for your answer anyway, his gaze steady. 

Slowly, you nodded. Steve smiled.

“Good girl.”

You had visions of him inside you right at that very moment, but he interrupted your thoughts.

"Take off your clothes." 

The command was quiet, but it left no room for defiance. You complied, the air cool against your skin as you got naked for him, excitement building inside you from the way he watched you.

“You put yourself in danger,” Steve continued, his voice thick with emotion. “And you expect me to just let that slide?”

His stepped behind you and his hands moved over your arms, holding you close against his rock hard body.

“You are my world, Peach.”

He whispered it into your ear and you shuddered.

“Steve…”

“You were reckless with your safety,” he interrupted as his fingers worked the first knot, wrapping the rope around your wrists, securing them just enough for you to feel it, but not to hurt.  

Steve worked quickly but precisely, bathing you in tenderness, preparing each area with soft kisses before his ropes made the next pass. 

He bound your wrists behind your back, the smooth fibers digging in just enough to make you feel helpless under his control. He moved swiftly, looping the rope around your torso, cinching it tight across your chest, down your waist, framing your curves in a way that made you lose your breath.

You were surprised at how much this turned you on.

“What is this, Steve?” you breathed.

He leaned in, brushing his lips over your temple.

“I'm teaching you how to let go, my love.”

His hands continued their work as he held your gaze, and strangely as he tied your body together, it didn’t feel like a punishment. 

It felt like a lesson in trust.  And surrender.

Steve stepped back, taking in the sight of you. His eyes darkened with awe.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, almost to himself.

Your cheeks burned. Your heart pounded. You never felt more vulnerable. Or more seen.

Loved.

He reached out, tilting your chin up with gentle fingers.

“You know I’d never hurt you, right?”

You swallowed hard and nodded and his thumb brushed over your lips.

“Good. Now relax, Baby. I’ve got you.”

You exhaled shakily, easing into the bindings. You felt better now. Safer, somehow.

Steve watched you, his gaze lingering on the way your body softened. His hands slid over the rope, testing its hold and making sure it wasn’t too tight on your satiny skin.

“Kneel for me, Peach.”

The deep baritone of his voice made your pussy clench, but you obeyed, sinking gracefully to the floor. Your breath caught as your knees hit the soft carpet, the vulnerability of the position sinking in.

“Look at me,” he said softly.

You did, and the sheer adoration in his expression made your chest tighten. His fingers skimmed over your bound body, teasing you, sending shivers racing across your body.

“Remember Peach, I’m doing this because I need you to know that you don’t always have to be the strong one.”

His hands moved over your back, tracing the rope, grounding you.

“You’re gonna feel everything I do, and you’re not gonna fight it.”

His eyes locked onto yours and you held his stare.

"...Okay"

Steve chuckled at your spirit. He loved the fuck out of you, but you needed this lesson.

“Good girl.”

Your eyes closed at the praise and he stepped back, his fingers once again skimming over your restrained skin.

“You’re trembling,” he observed, voice tinged with amusement. “Are you nervous?”

You swallowed. “A little.”

“Don’t be.”

He down beside you and leaned in, pressing a lingering kiss to your shoulder, then to the curve of your jaw.

“Steve…,” you whimpered.

“You trust me, right?”

His lips were against yours now.

You exhaled a shaky, “Yes" into his mouth.

“Then let me take care of you.”

He pulled away and his eyes held yours for a long beat, making sure you understood. His hands moved around your rope-bound ass grazing the ropes framing your thighs, the ones holding your pussy lips apart. 

You gasped as his fingers brushed against your aching heat.

“You're dripping for me already, Peach. Do you like being tied up?”

You were delirious with anticipation. But you didn’t know how to feel.

“No!.. Yes… I don’t know.”

He got down on his knees behind you as you tested the binds instinctively, your wrists straining just enough to remind you of your helplessness. The pressure was intoxicatingly restrictive and unrelenting.

You didn’t know that you craved this.

A warm hand slid over your stomach, fingers grazing the rope cinched tight around your waist. He pressed in, letting you feel the heat of his palm against your skin and the graze of his fingertips against your clit. Not to mention his hard cock pressed into your spine.

You bit back a moan as he continued, his touch slow and purposeful. Steve’s hand slid to your throat, his grip firm, but not choking.

"You are my wife," he said, enunciating each word with quiet intensity. I am responsible for your safety… and when you forget that?"

His grip tightened for a fraction of a second before releasing and trailing down your neck. 

"I will remind you."

He murmured against your ear, his breath making you wetter. His other hand gripped your chin, forcing you to tilt your head back, exposing your throat to him. 

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Yes," you whispered, the answer spilling from your lips without hesitation.

"Why?"

You’d been broken down to the raw truth.

“I don’t know. So many reasons.”

You were trying to collect your thoughts which were scattered like leaves in the wind.

"I see you in everything," you whispered. 

"In every work of art, in every song that I dance to. I feel you in places I didn’t even know existed."

Steve’s smile was angelic.

"Do you remember when I first saw you?"

His teeth scraped the sensitive skin just beneath your jaw, a nip that made you suck in a breath and shudder. His lips curved into a wicked smirk against your skin.

You exhaled as your pulse quickened. You couldn’t move. Couldn’t escape the press of his body behind you and the overwhelming heat of him surrounding you just like the ropes.

"On stage at Regine’s?" you guessed, breath hitching.

"No," he said, voice rich with memory. 

"You were walking into the club, lost in your own world, bopping along to your music, completely unaware of me. You were gorgeous. Sexy. Free."

His hands traced the rope securing your thighs apart, squeezing just enough to make you whimper.

"I had to know who you were. I had to get you to notice me. And when you did?" 

He exhaled, like the memory itself was intoxicating. 

"I felt like the luckiest man on earth, Peach."

Your body sagged into his, relaxing even more, drawn in by the absolute possession in his voice.

"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve envisioned you like this," he murmured.

"What?" Your voice was barely a breath. "Bound and helpless?"

Steve chuckled, the sound rich and sinful.

"Sweetheart, you are far from helpless." 

You closed your eyes as his fingers traced slow circles over your inner thighs, where the rope dug into your skin. 

"And you shouldn't be in any pain."

His lips brushed your ear, his voice dipping lower, a promise wrapped in silk and steel.

"I think you're going to enjoy the hell out of this."

He guided you down, so that your cheek was on the carpet, eyes searching for his as he ran his hands over you again. The ropes made every sensation more intense, and you couldn't help the sounds coming from your mouth.

You felt his breath on your ass before you felt his tongue strike out to lick a stripe up the center of you as your body arched. You needed more.

A finger worked inside you, then two, scissoring and curling with a sinful knowledge of your body. Steve worked you over with his hand as his mouth played with your emotions. You were so close to release because every thought was centered in that direction.

But then his fingers withdrew and his warm mouth left your pussy.

You moaned in protest as he pulled you up by the ropes and moved in front of you, unzipping his pants.

Every sense was magnified and the sound of his zipper sent waves of your slick sliding down your thighs and blood racing to your nipples. You were oh so hard and wet.

His hard cock was ready and silky smooth, rolling over your lips as his musky scent surrounded you. It only made you want him more as you opened your mouth wider to taste him on your tongue.

Steve hissed, groaning as you took him deep in your throat.

"So good, Peach..."

He rocked into your throat, careful to let you breath as you concentrated to focus on this one thing. You were moaning around him, the pleasure that you were giving him close to getting you off as well.

He stopped pulled off the rest of his clothes, depriving himself at that moment. Again, he lifted you by the ropes onto the bed and handled your ass again, spread open by his handiwork.

"Remember when you trusted me to fuck you here?"

Steve spit on your asshole and rubbed his finger there as you writhed in your binds.

"Ughhhhh! Steveeeee."

You could barely form coherent thoughts as you shook beneath him.

Steve rubbed himself up and down the split of you repeatedly while you kept moaning his name. You were both very nearly insane as he let his cock rest at your entrance, pounding on your door to get in.

His fingers grabbed the ropes on your thighs, pulling you sharply onto his cock. And you screamed, cumming almost immediately with his first stroke.

"Holy fuck, Peach!"

Steve felt you coming apart around him while held together by the rope and he threw his head back as he set a beautiful pace in and out of you. The sound of skin smacking soundly onto skin lent depth to the pornographic sound of your screams and his groans.

And the ropes on your skin lent an extra dimension of sensation. You were intoxicated with feeling, bound up but feeling so free.

“So tell me, Peach…”

Steve bent over you and his fingers found your nipples and pinched, rolling them hard. It was so much that you nearly came again right then then and there. The next words sent you further into the brink.

“What happens if you get pregnant?”

Steve rolled his hips over and over again into your pulsing, clenching cunt.

"Oh, Steve.. fuck..."

“Who is going to protect you and my child from the likes of scum like–”

“Don’t, fuck, Steve, don’t say his name…”

It would ruin your high, thinking of Sully at the moment.

“Say it, Peach. Who is supposed to do that, Peach? Who’s gonna protect my family?”

Steve said it through clenched teeth, but you knew he wasn't just angry. He was scared.

“Answer me, Peach!”

“You would, I know you would, Steve?”

“Are you sure? You gonna let me? Gonna let me knock you up? You gonna trust me to take care of you?”

His pace was frantic, the vision of you pregnant and safe in his arms propelling him forward into the abyss.

Tears stung your eyes at the thought that he doubted you.

And they fell when you realized that you’d given him reason to.

“I do, I trust you Steve. I promise. I’ll let you take care of us. I swear.”

Steve slammed into you harder, holding you tight with each thrust. 

“Is that what you want? Do you really want me to do that?”

You just wanted to soothe the hurt.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” you sobbed. 

“I want you. I trust you. I need you. I’m sorry!”

Steve’s thumb found your clit and rubbed your sparking bundle of nerves relentlessly, causing you to strain against the ropes again.

“Oh, Steveeee!”

You shattered into a thousand pieces, only to be held together by the rope Steve wove around you. He pulled out and stoked his cock over you, painting the exposed pieces of you with his cum.

You shook as each hot drop hit your skin, aftershocks rocking you as you found his lust blown eyes.

“F-fffuuuckkkkk!”

Steve was profane as he came all over you, lost to the feeling of your release and his. He reached in his bag again and brought out a knife and started cutting you out of your bindings, kissing and massaging each place on your legs that he cut free. 

He licked his cum off of you, paying special attention to your cunt, swiping you with his wide, flat tongue as he soothed your skin with his hands. 

When you came again, he moved on, cleaning you up and cutting you loose carefully and tenderly. The disparate sensations of his tongue on your skin, his hands massaging you, and the cold steel of the knife set you alight one more time, and as he sucked his spend off your nipples, you came again, untouched.

It was a perfect, tiny aftershock of pleasure.

—-

You opened your eyes to the harsher light of your bathroom, as Steve was lifting you with him into your garden tub filled with hot water. He cradled you in his embrace.

His hands, the same ones that had restrained you so firmly, now moved with infinite gentleness over your skin in the water, watching you closely for discomfort. 

"You okay?" 

His voice was low, quiet, and filled with genuine concern. You nodded, your limbs heavy, your body still floating somewhere between exhaustion and satisfaction. 

But Steve wasn’t satisfied with a nod. He tilted your face toward him, meeting your sleepy gaze, searching for any sign of discomfort.

"Talk to me, sweetheart," he intoned, thumb stroking over your cheek. "I need to know you're alright."

A small, tired smile tugged at your lips. 

"I’m perfect," you whispered, and it was the truth.

The intensity of it all, the way he had pushed you, claimed you, and him caring for you made you realize how safe he made you feel.

And that was the point.

Steve exhaled, as if he’d been holding his breath, then pulled you closer, wrapping you in his embrace. The contrast was stark, from restraint to absolute freedom, from domination to protection. 

You melted into him, feeling the steady, soothing rhythm of his heartbeat. Suddenly, a bottle of water was produced from the side of the tub and you wondered how long you were out after you came.

“Drink. Let me take care of you," he whispered, pressing a kiss to your temple.

His hands never left you, fingers brushing over you in quiet reassurance as you drank.

"You did so well," he bragged, his voice laced with admiration and pride. "I’m so proud of you.”

You got emotional. You drank half the bottle and put it down, turning in the bath to put your arms around his neck and resting your head on his chest, seeking the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat.

"Stay," you asked, as if it were even a question.

Steve lifted your chin and looked into your eyes.

"Always," he promised.

[deathdetermineslife]

art history fic 🥀📜

words: good question. it's not very long I wrote this in grammarly on my phone in like 45 minutes

about: chronic pain my beloathed. husband comforts me and takes my mind off of things by telling me about one of the dumbest anthropological studies known to man.

warnings: uh? I mention the "sex raft" study done by Santiago Genové. so. mentions of sex. nothing described or graphic, just mentioned.

fic under the cut ! excuse any typos I'm fucked up on my medication rn because you'll never guess why! chronic pain <3

"Darling," Korekiyo whispered, gently grazing his bandaged fingertips against Lachlan's cheek. "What's the matter, my dear? You look unwell."

Lachlan was sprawled out on their shared bed, wrapped in a rather comfortable blanket, soft and warm. He grumbled, rolling onto his stomach and wrapping his arms around the pillow beneath him. A long groan escaped his throat, his fists gripping the pillow tightly.

"Pain," He grumbled, "Back hurts. Hips hurt. Legs hurt."

Korekiyo frowned, cocking his head like a confused puppy. "My love," he purred, his voice smooth as silk as he trailed his fingertips up Lachlan's back, "How can I assist you? Would you like any sort of medication to lessen the ache? Perhaps a hot bath? Or, of course, I can stay here and distract you a bit."

Lachlan grumbled again, unwilling to look at Kiyo as a throb radiated up his spine. "Distraction," He responded. "Good enough for me."

Korekiyo moved to lay next to him, taking precaution not to jostle the comfortable spot Lachlan was in. He continued rubbing his back, his palm soothing over his shoulder blades. "Would you like to hear of a ridiculous study I've been reading about as of late?"

Lachlan nodded, desperate to take his mind off of the pain be was feeling. "There was a study done in 1975 by an anthropologist named Santiago Genovés. The media aptly dubbed it 'The Sex Raft'."

He paused for a moment, ghosting his fingers over Lachlan's neck. "In essence, the study was meant to see what would happen if men and women were to be forced to live together in such a small space for an extended period of time. This study took place on a raft in the middle of the ocean, including four male participants and six female participants. Santiago, of course, came along."

"His idea was that when forced to live in such close quarters with one another with nowhere else to go, the natural human reaction to frustration would be to either murder or make love with one another," Korekiyo continued, turning his gaze away from Lachlan and looking off into the distance, into his own mind.

"Ultimately, this was unsuccessful, as you may imagine," he laughed, bringing his gaze back down to Lachlan, who now had turned his head to look at Kiyo. "In fact, this was so unsuccessful, he tried persuading participants into his hypothesis by presenting them with questionnaires that inquired on the members feelings for one another."

"How shameful," Korekiyo's tone hardened, scoffing, "Not the most proper way to conduct a study, now is it? Outside influence is detrimental to the outcomes of research."

Lachlan laughed lowly, amused at his husband's passion for the correctness on conducting anthropological studies. "So what happened next?"

Korekiyo smiled, rubbing small, rhythmic circles into Lachlan's back. "They returned to the harbor with nothing but hatred for Santiago himself. Considering, too, he tried to guide them head on into a hurricane. He was a strange individual, indeed."

"Did he do anything else interesting in his career?" Lachlan asked, wincing as Kiyo's fingers pressed into a sore spot on his back. He laughed again, rolling his eyes amusedly.

"No. He lived and died without making any significant contributions to the world of anthropology. But, he certainly did contribute a good read," Korekiyo recounted. Lachlan had shifted to his side, Kiyo's hand moving to rest on his hip over the soft, fluffy blanket.

"You should tell me more silly stories while we snuggle," Lachlan suggested, a devious smile painting his face. "I could fall asleep in your embrace. Sounds lovely, doesn't it, baby doll?"

Kiyo nodded, adjusting his position on the bed to mirror his husband's, gingerly draping his arms around his waist. "How divine... perhaps I'll tell you about the Earl of Sandwich next, hmm? That surely will get a giggle out of you."

[coffeeghoulie]

broke the mold (change will come)

chapter 3: love the mayhem more than the love

so. what a week it's been since the last chapter, huh. to "make up" for being MIA for a month, have a chapter that doubles the entire fic length lmao. I'm sorry (no I'm not.)

Content warnings for this chapter include religious doubt, vague description of being in a medical setting, disassociation, mild self harm (chewing and digging nails into skin), what happens when seven ghouls are crammed into tight spaces without ever addressing any of their own issues. More familiar faces. The idea of perfect victims. Learning new things, new names. Trauma responses. The first time I've ever written Copia as a main character. Self-destructive behavior and pushing others into doing it for you. 16.2k.

I make no promises about the next chapter except that it's probably not going to be until mid April. I have a project with a real physical deadline fast approaching, and I need to get that done first. I'll work on this when I can <3

Much thanks again to @mintea-in-space for all of the Cardinal Consulting <3

divider by @wrathofrats <3

There's a beeping noise. Shrill. Grating. Foreign. Aurum groans. His head hurts. Mouth feels like it's stuffed with cotton, and there's some bitter taste when he licks over his teeth. They don't fit quite right in his mouth, teeth nor tongue.

He grumbles again, trying to raise a hand to swat in the noise's general direction, wants to get Fog to stop mimicking-

Fog.

Everything comes back in waves, and he realizes that even though he's thought he’s been cold before, that was nothing. He’s cold for the very first time in his life. The next thing he realizes is that he has absolutely no fucking idea where he is. This is not the room he entered when he exited the portal, that much is clear even before he finds the strength to open his eyes.

It's a tremendous effort to peel his eyes open. The lights are bright white, and he hisses as his pupils try sluggishly to adjust. He’s alone, strange machines at his bedside connected to him through wires and tubes. His arms are wrapped in cloth so white it makes his head throb.

Everything smells strange, sharp and sterile, and Aurum still has no clue where he is. There’s a window, but the curtains are drawn thick and heavy. The door, with a grucifix hung above the frame, is solid and shut.

Aurum takes a deep breath. His entire body feels like he’s fallen off of a tall ledge. It hurts.

He tries to sit up, groaning loudly at the ache that ripples through him. The thin bed under him shifts, railings at the side creaking, and there’s a twinge of resistance where the machines connect to his arms.

Aurum growls softly at them, coughing as his throat stings. He reaches to pull the tubes and wires free, something small and angry in the back of his mind telling him to get the fuck out of here.

But the moment he touches the first needle in the back of his hand, someone clears their throat loudly. Aurum jolts back, ignoring the way his body protests the sudden movement.

The door’s open, now. There’s no other way out of this room. All of a sudden, the sterile scent of the room is overpowered by rich, dark ozone. Aurum’s ears pin back against his head.

A strange ghoul looms in the doorway, and despite the ache pounding at his temples, he bares all of his fangs with a pathetic snarl. This, of course, does nothing to dissuade the stranger. The strong scent of quintessence overpowers the chemical even more as he steps inside with a halfhearted huff of laughter.

He’s clearly tried to put himself together; a white coat over a rumpled sweater and sloppily tied tie, deep, heavy bags under violet eyes, half hidden behind round tortoiseshell glasses. The scruff of his goatee and his temples are grey, the rest of his dark hair messy and unkempt where it falls over his forehead, around two short ebony horns. There’s a clipboard tucked under his arm, and he turns over his shoulder to call to someone down the hall.

“Aether, please,” he says, and saints be damned, does he sound as tired as Aurum feels. “I need you to-”

“I already told you I had to excuse myself from that ghoul’s case,” another voice rumbles, the growl clear enough that Aurum feels his ears pin back instinctively. “I cannot be impartial with him. You know what happened. It’s for his own good.”

The ghoul in front of him takes a deep, shaky breath, his eyes squeezed shut as footsteps retreat. When his eyes open again, he’s got a wide smile plastered on his face. “Well, Olde One be willing, you made it,” he says, pulling up a rolling chair besides the gurney, rifling through the paperwork attached to his clipboard. “Frankly, it was a little touch and go for a while, but barring any major unexpected setbacks-”

To this, the quintessence ghoul glances out the door. He looks back to Aurum like he’d never looked away.

“It’ll be like nothing ever happened. You survived going through a filtered portal of a differing element. You’re the first one to ever make it out alive. Congratulations.”

“It was the right portal-” he tries to protest, but a fit of hacking coughs wrack him. His throat screams in pain with each one. The other ghoul sets a hand on his shoulder, concern easy to read in his expressions.

“Easy there, bud,” he rumbles, low and easy until he stops coughing. “Forgive me, I probably should have introduced myself. My name is Omega, one of the quintessence ghouls of the Head Ministry. What is yours, if you wouldn’t mind?”

The Head Ministry.

A pit forms in his stomach, and he doubts that he’s nauseous because of the pain. Aurum scans over Omega’s face, pulling back as far as he can away. Every instinct in his body is screaming that he’s a threat. He opens his mouth to tell him his name, and realizes, as his stomach lurches, that he doesn’t want to say any of the names he’s had before. Aurum coming from someone else’s tongue makes him feel nauseous. Fire just feels like mockery. So instead:

“Don’t have one.”

Omega cocks his head curiously, brows furrowing. “You… Don’t have a name?” he says cautiously.

He shakes his head. Omega writes something down on his paperwork. The scratch of the pen nib against paper makes Aurum’s head hurt even more. His glasses slide a little down the bridge of his nose. His gaze is piercing. It feels almost a little patronizing.

“I have to have something to call you,” he says, glancing up over those tortoiseshell rims. “The humans have taken to referring to you as the multi, but that’s not a name befitting a ghoul like yourself. If you don’t have a name, I’d be happy to give you one.”

Aurum clenches his fists, looking away from Omega to stare at his hands as his knuckles ache with the strain. The summoning shouldn’t have hurt. He’s fire, for fuck’s sake. The portal was for a fire ghoul. Even as he thinks it now, he doesn’t feel the conviction behind it he’s had for centuries. “Multi’s fine. I guess.”

Omega gives him another look, but he’s too exhausted to try and read into it. “Multi it is, then,” he writes something down in his paperwork. There’s a lull, and the quintessence ghoul looks up. It feels like he’s being examined like a particularly interesting specimen.

“I apologize, but I do have to ask. Was there anything in particular that made you want to go through that portal, even knowing the risks of summoning? Desperation, curiosity, something else?”

Aurum shrinks back. “It- I was going through the right portal. It was my element. It wasn’t supposed to-”

Omega cuts him off with a hand on his bicep. Aurum flinches so hard it hurts. Even worse than the sting is the look of pity on the older ghoul’s face. “Multi. If it were the right portal, you wouldn’t be in the infirmary right now. You’ve been unconscious for quite a while so your body could recover. It is, and I do not say this lightly, an unholy miracle from the Prince Himself that you were able to survive the summoning ritual.”

He blinks, feels himself start to pull back from his body. He digs his claws into the meat of his palm to at least attempt to stay present. “Fuck,” Aurum mumbles, eyes still a little bit hazy. His body aches, the pain throbbing in time with his pulse.

The summoning shouldn’t have hurt. He’s known ghouls whose pride and honor comes from their summonings and returns. Extended family, his parents’ peers. They had all said that being summoned had been as easy as walking through a threshold. He knows this.

A traitorous little voice in the back of his head that sounds like Moraine’s reminds him of the water ghoul who’d sprinted through the air portal and screamed as it had burned them alive. They hadn’t been the right element and it had killed them.

Fog had been ri-

Aurum stops that line of thought right then and there. He never wants to think about her again.

But there isn’t really any denying it anymore. If he were actually a fire ghoul, it wouldn’t have hurt.

“You are the first recorded instance of a ghoul being able to do so. Frankly, it’s fascinating, but we are genuinely glad that you pulled through,” Omega’s voice cuts through the haze. “The Cardinal will be thrilled to hear that you’re awake and talking.”

Aurum’s brow furrows. “The Cardinal?”

“Cardinal Copia,” he says. Aurum watches him withdraw into himself for a split second. The violet of his eyes dulls before the smile returns full force. “I forgot, how silly of me. No one’s been able to explain to you as to why you’ve been summoned because of all of the-”

To this, Omega gestures to the monitors on the other side of the bed. Still beeping. Still too bright. He settles back into his seat, clipboard tucked under his arm.

“The Head Ministry has a rather unique missionary program,” he says, something fond curling his lips up. “Using music for human recruitment. A rock band. The Ghost Project. Before I started infirmary work, I was a member of this program for quite a while, along with-”

He cuts himself off. That dull look is back in his eyes. “Well. That’s irrelevant right now. However. The upper clergy were looking for a new fire ghoul to play lead guitar for the Cardinal, who inherited the Ghost Project a few months ago and now is the new frontman, the new Mouthpiece. Then, you came out of the portal.”

Aurum winces. Omega doesn’t seem to notice. Just keeps talking. “The humans are always so finicky about fire summonings. They could only do it the one time. Something bureaucratic that they don’t bother explaining to us. They’ve mad- found a new fire ghoul. You’ll meet him eventually. Once you’re well enough on your feet.”

He nods. Swallows hard. There’s a bitter taste in his mouth. Omega must easily read the discomfort in his expression, because he leans over to the table at the head of his bed and offers him a glass with a straw.

“Here, drink,” he says, helping Aurum sit up. Aurum drinks greedily, the water a balm against his scratchy throat.

“Thank you,” he pants, blinking slowly when Omega sets the glass back down. His heart still flutters like a cornered animal. He is acutely aware of the machines, still beeping rhythmically. “What, uh, what comes next?”

Omega looks up from his clipboard. Aurum watches the big ghoul’s chest rise and fall with breath. “Well, I’d like to keep you here for a few more days, make sure you don’t give us any more scares,” He laughs wearily, taking another deep breath as he goes somewhere else for a moment. “And then we’ll get you cleared and introduced to your p-”

He stops himself, glances at him. Aurum, once again, feels pinned.

“Then we’ll get you introduced properly to the Cardinal and the ghouls you will be working with as part of the Project. I mean, of course, if you are willing to join. The Cardinal will go over this with you when you speak to him, as you were his first summons. But if you do not want to serve the Mouthpiece, we can easily have you return to the Pits.”

Aurum blinks. Tries not to think of the fury in Fog’s eyes last he’d seen her. “I- I’ll serve,” he croaks, even though he still isn’t quite sure what serving entails. Wonders what he’s signed himself up for.

He can pretend, though. Like pretending isn’t the only thing he’s ever been good at doing.

Omega smiles, and Aurum gets the strange sense that this one is the most genuine one he’s seen yet. “Good. It’s been a pleasure to properly meet you, Multi. I’m sure you must be exhausted, the body uses a lot of energy in recovery. I’ll leave you to rest, but I won’t be far if you need me.”

Aurum opens his mouth to respond, but Omega’s already turned towards the door, counting something on his fingers as he leans out of the doorway and calls to someone out of sight. “Sister Delilah, I-”

The door shuts behind him.

Aurum crosses his arms over his chest, shrinks in on himself. He feels so cold.

Thankfully, the next few days pass without incident. There’s a slow stream of people coming in and out to check on him, mainly Omega and the Sister of Sin the bigger ghoul had spoken to as he’d left on that first day.

She’s the first human he’s ever seen. He does his best not to stare. She smiles and he does his best to return it. Delilah tells him that the Cardinal’s going to love him. Aurum wonders exactly what she means by that. He’s yet to meet him.

His infirmary stay passes in a bit of a blur, and the next thing he knows, Omega’s unwrapping the bandages from his arms, a healthy buzz of quintessence applied to dull what’s left of the ache. He’s dressed in a black, long sleeved button up, slacks and shoes of the same color. He ties some of his locs back, letting the rest hang past his shoulders. He hasn’t been this put together in a very, very long time.

He finds he doesn’t exactly mind it, even if his thoughts start to wander to a place he’d forbidden for himself a long time ago.

Aurum shakes his head to clear the fuzz as Omega hands him a package wrapped in black velvet.

“There are, well. Certain rules involving the behavior and presentation of ghouls here,” Omega starts to explain, eyes glancing around as Aurum watches him try to best summarize. “We are to be in uniform. A united front to serve the Church, if you will. You’ll get fit for a proper uniform once you get settled into your new quarters.”

Aurum nods, smoothing his thumb over the velvet. There’s something hard underneath. He doesn’t dare unwrap it yet. Aurum just watches Omega, does his best to keep eye contact.

“But this,” Omega says, gesturing to the bundle in his lap. “This is the most important thing you will ever wear on the Surface. It is to be worn in all public areas of the Ministry, and outside it. Your summoner may or may not have rules about wearing it in front of him.” To this, Omega gets that strange, distant look in his eye, “But that is to be discussed with him, not me.”

Aurum nods, hesitantly pulling the velvet away. It almost feels like mockery, a featureless face that shines of chrome, empty vacant holes for eyes to stare from. A mask with horns and a slot cut from the chin for his mouth. He trails his eyes over where the mask would curl over the top of his head, over where his horns curl back, much larger than these.

Omega must sense his confusion, because he smiles, steps forward. “Do you know how to glamour?” he says, even as he goes through putting away all the medical equipment Aurum had spent the last however many days hooked up to. “It’s much easier Up Top than Down Below. Just call on your magic, and it will be there.”

Aurum blinks, looks up to Omega to question him, and has to do a double take. It’s still Omega standing in front of where he sits at the side of the hospital bed. The same grey and dark hair, same build, but his horns and tusks and the violet of his eyes have been wiped away like chalk. A startled laugh barks from Aurum’s throat, and it’s a testament to how far he’s recovered that the act doesn’t send him into a coughing fit.

“I’d like you to try,” Omega says, pressing a large hand to the center of his own chest. “It’ll be right here. Reach in and pull it out.”

Aurum takes a deep, deep breath. He hasn’t tried anything like this in decades. The little voice in the back of his head wants him to snap at Omega. His survival instinct tells him that Omega is much bigger and stronger than him. He hasn’t seen the quint angry yet, and he doesn’t think he ever wants to. He shuts his eyes. Does his very best to focus.

It’s like grabbing at flame itself, incorporeal. Aurum reaches into the core of himself, where his fire has taunted him for nearly his entire life. He reaches for the magic that makes him a ghoul and it dances, laughing, away from him.

He growls at himself and Omega takes a step back. Shame and frustration burn through him, but he shakes his head and just tries again. And again, and again, until Omega’s voice rings through his frustrated focus.

“There you go, take a look,” he says, warm, and if Aurum knew any better, he’d say Omega sounded proud. It makes his head spin. He ignores it. He glances over to the mirror above the sink in the corner of the room and just stares.

Hair still dark. His horns gone. He doesn’t look quite human, too many teeth to fit properly in his mouth, but it’s passable. His skin, instead of the deep charcoal it once was, is a rich, warm brown. His eyes are no longer gold, now so dark it’s hard to distinguish pupil from iris at this distance.

Aurum’s not sure how he feels about this new appearance. He’s just starting to figure it out when the magic slips from him and his reflection is far more familiar.

“That’s it!” Omega praises, resting a big hand on Aurum’s shoulder. “The first couple of times are a bit shaky, but you have the principle. I’m sure you’ll have it down in no time.”

Aurum tries again until he sees that strange man in the mirror again. He rolls his shoulders, staring himself down. Seeing the reflection move cements it a little more into reality instead of a trick of the light. As does looking down at the paler skin of his palms. Short, blunt, almost pink nailbeds instead of claws.

He takes a deep breath, gaze shifting to that fucking mask. He rolls his shoulders again. There’s an ache in the movement that the quintessence hasn’t touched. This has been the strangest day? Week? Who knows how long he’s been Up Top. But it’s been the strangest period of his life, and he knows that stranger is coming still.

He stands, and Omega rushes to steady him. “Easy, Multi, no need to rush,” he presses, but Aurum just tunes him out.

“Gotta go meet the Cardinal at some point, right?” Aurum says, flashing Omega a bright, toothy smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes before putting on the mask. “Might as well get it over with.”

Omega smiles back. Probably a little more genuine than Aurum’s own, but not by much. He pulls out his own mask, a similar design but a much more matte silver, almost pewter, and there’s no slot for his mouth. “You do have a point,” he says, voice barely muffled, and turns to open the door. “Follow me.”

Aurum takes a breath and follows Omega out of the infirmary.

It’s the first real glimpse of this new world he’s stumbled into. It reminds him, painfully, viscerally, of the grand cathedrals he used to attend with his family. The thought is swiftly and methodically put away. All of the pain pushed to the furthest recesses of his mind so he can stay on guard.

The halls of the Ministry remind him painfully, viscerally, of the chapels and sanctums and grand cathedrals he’d attended a lifetime ago with his family. The thought is swiftly and methodically put away in the furthest recesses of his mind. He needs to stay on guard, even as he walks behind Omega’s larger form.

It’s new and it’s familiar all at once. Lined with high, arching windows, clear and stained glass. Statues of various Saints and iconography, countless unseeing eyes staring down at them as they walk the marble floors.

And that’s not to mention the eyes that do see him. There’s dozens upon dozens of humans moving through the hallways as well, and Aurum feels each gaze peering at him curiously. The scents are strange and foreign, yet familiar. Curiosity, nerves, appraisal. They turn to each other and whisper, and in this new glamour, all his ears let him hear is the rushed breathiness, no real words able to be made out.

He swallows hard, stares at Omega ahead of him. Walks with a purpose even if he doesn’t know what it is.

After a while, Omega stops in front of an unassuming door. A bronze nameplate reads “Treasurer,” and Aurum furrows his brow. There’s no need to distrust Omega, though, and he shrugs, rolling his neck as Omega knocks.

“Cardinal?” Omega calls. “I have your first summon ready to report for duty.”

“Oh, it is time?” A harried voice responds, muffled through the thick wood. Papers rustle. Something thuds. “I was not expecting, just a moment, perdonami.”

“Take your time, Cardinal,” Omega says, and Aurum can hear the sigh in his tone. He doesn’t try and read into it, instead glancing between the back of Omega’s head and the shine of polished brass.

Several long, awkward moments pass before footsteps approach rapidly to the door. Aurum braces himself as it opens.

The first thing he sees is the Eye. Even through the mask, the blinding white peers into the very core of his being. Aurum’s shoulders draw up on instinct and he shifts onto his back foot.

Omega bows his head. “Your first summon, Cardinal,” he says, voice low and almost distant. “Made a full recovery.”

“Thank you, Omega, your efforts are much appreciated,” the man says, brushing mousy brown hair back from his forehead before adjusting a bright red biretta with a huff. He is pasty pale, a thin mustache under a prominent nose, freckles spattered over gaunt cheeks, black grease paint around his eyes and upper lip.

Aurum blinks rapidly. He knows that voice. Sense memory fills his lungs with the cold, clear air Up Top. The portal burns where he’d been healed.

This is the human who summoned him.

Aurum didn’t get a chance to actually see him before he’d passed out from his injuries. But that voice is etched into the very core of this vessel, bound to the one who’d brought him here.

The Cardinal looks past Omega, and he cocks his head. Those mismatched eyes rake over him. Appraising. Aurum stands stock still, arms behind his back. He knows this drill. Lets the human make whatever judgment he wants to make.

He shakes his head, blinking out some sort of stupor. “Where are my manners, come in, come in,” he says, grimacing as he looks over his shoulder at the mess of papers on the desk inside.

Omega takes a step back, pressing a big hand to the small of Aurum’s back. “I will be taking my leave, Cardinal,” he says, that low, respectful tone never wavering. “The infirmary has need of me, as always. Multi, with the Cardinal, alright?”

Aurum does not look away from his summoner. He swallows hard. “Yes, Omega,” Aurum breathes.

He steps into the tiny office. He does not flinch as the door shuts behind him.

The office is small, lined with overflowing bookshelves and one high, small window to light the space, a green banker’s lamp on the desk in the center of the room to make up for it.

The Cardinal scurries back behind his desk. It’s a little too big for the office, but he doesn’t seem to care or notice. “Take a seat, take a seat,” he gestures, grimacing again as he clears a space of papers into some poor semblance of organization. “Make yourself comfortable, okie dokie?”

Aurum bows his head in the way he saw Omega do moments ago. “Thank you, Cardinal,” he says, laying it on a little too thick in an attempt to appease. This he knows how to do. “I’d rather stand if that’s alright, sir.”

The Cardinal laughs, a surprised little trill, but sits down in his own chair anyways, arranging the bright red fabric of his cassock and sash in pursuit of comfort. “I suppose you have been sitting for quite some time in the infirmary. Whatever you most prefer, makes no difference to me.”

Aurum just bows his head again. His chest rises and falls, breathing as evenly as he can. He will not walk into any trap this man sets. If he’s capable of setting them at all.

He’s learned the hard way it’s still best to be careful.

The Cardinal finishes rearranging the contents of his desk, filled with tables and numbers and odd symbols that Aurum can’t parse even if they were turned the right way round for him, and steeples his fingers, resting his elbows on the desk. “Multi, Omega said?”

Aurum nods. “Yes, Cardinal.”

The human’s chest puffs up a little, sitting up a little straighter. “Well, Multi, I would like to congratulate you on beating the odds, gave us all quite the scare, eh?”

“I apologize, Cardinal,” Aurum says.

The man scoffs, and Aurum jolts upright, meeting his gaze for the first time since he sat down. “None of that. With your successful summoning, you have made me the first person in living memory in the Clergy to summon a multighoul accidentally.”

His gaze drops to the floor, staring at the black leather shoes Omega had handed him that morning. Something uncomfortable and familiar wells up in his chest. He does his best to ignore it.

“It makes you very special, Multi, and I have thanked our Lord for this unholy blessing,” the Cardinal says. “But now that you have recovered, I would like to, eh, discuss the terms of your summoning to the Satanic Ministry.”

Aurum shuts his eyes for a moment. He knew this was coming. He knew the humans needed a ghoul for a reason. For a purpose. He does not dare get his hopes up.

“Omega told me some,” he says, testing the waters. “The Ghost Project.”

At the mention of the Project, the Cardinal visibly lights up, his white eye gleaming even in the dim light. “Si, I summoned you for the band. I, eh, needed a fire ghoul. The last one..” he trails off, glancing away at a small globe on one of the shelves. “Never mind that, no? We have a fire ghoul now, and I will take you to meet him and the rest of your new bandmates.”

Aurum nods, following the Cardinal’s gaze to watch the globe. There’s a thin layer of dust on it. He doesn’t look back until his summoner clears his throat, and he snaps back to attention.

“Within the Project, there have always been ghouls backing the Prince’s Mouthpiece. Helping him spread the Prince’s message. And each element had a specific role. An earth ghoul on drums. An air ghoul on keys. A water ghoul for a bassist. And so on, si? But now, with you here, we get to make something new. Something unique.” The Cardinal seems to gain confidence as he speaks, straightening in his seat, something bright gleaming in the dark green of his normal eye.

Aurum nods again. He digs his blunt, glamoured nails into the delicate skin of his wrist. “I will be useful, Cardinal.”

The human furrows his brow, cocks his head. “You will be more than useful, my ghoul. You will be great.”

He forces a bit of faked nonchalance through. Shrugs and presses his lips together in a thin line. “I hope I’ll serve you well,” he says. Not matter what he does to try and stop it, there’s a sinking feeling in Aurum’s chest that he can’t deny.

The Cardinal smiles. “Si, me too.”

Aurum blinks. He’s been so busy keeping up his own facade that he didn’t notice that the Cardinal has his own up as well. He takes a breath. “Did you have an idea on my role, Cardinal?”

The man sits up a little straighter in his chair. “A few, that I’d like to pitch. We have an equal amount of experience with the Project here,” he jokes. It falls a little flat. Aurum just stares.

“What would you like me to do?” Aurum asks again. Does his best to keep his tone even and calm.

The Cardinal looks up at him. The Eye pierces through him. Burns. “I would like to know what kind of, eh. Musical experience you have. If you do not have any, you can be taught.”

“I can sing some,” he says, keeping his posture as rigid as he can. No use in fidgeting in front of him. He hasn’t caught onto Aurum’s front yet. The mask helps some, as much as it pains him to admit it.

He lights up at Aurum’s admission, clapping his hands together. “Good, very good, I was in need of another vocalist. I have an air ghoulette who will be doing vocals for me, but I want a deeper voice too. Round it out some, no?”

Aurum nods. “Yes, sir.”

“We might also be able to get you on guitar and some assorted percussion. Shaker or tamborine, I am thinking. Not all at once, different parts for different songs, but I hope to have you fill out our rough edges.”

Aurum blinks. Nods even though he feels like he’s thrown himself into the deep end. The edges of himself feel jagged at best, and he wants him to smooth out the others that he hasn’t even met yet? He’ll try his best to avoid being thrown back and replaced with someone better. “I hope I will suffice, Cardinal.”

He runs leather covered fingers through his mousy hair, shoving the strands back in place. Those mismatched eyes meet his through the mask. “I’m sure you will, Multi. Our Lord must have had a reason that I summoned you. I am curious to find out why along with you.”

Aurum does not flinch. Offers his summoner a smile, flashing the smoothed out, glamoured teeth. The Cardinal returns it.

He claps his hands together again, leather on leather muffling the smack. “Are we, eh, on the same page on what I want from you, Multi?” he asks, and there’s something almost genuinely worried in his tone.

Aurum nods, taking a deep breath. Keeps his smile bright. “I think I understand, sir.”

“Excellent.” The Cardinal reddens slightly, his gaze darting away for a moment. It’s almost a relief to have the Eye off of him. “I have taken enough of your time, I think. I would like to take you to meet your bandmates. I am sorry for having you led on a goose chase around the Abbey, heh.”

Meeting other ghouls. Aurum stifles the instinctive fear response and stands as straight as he can. “It’s fine,” he says, putting everything into keeping his voice clear and level. “Should stretch my legs.”

The Cardinal stands with a huff. “Well then, off to the ghoul wing, no?”

Aurum takes a step back, allows the Cardinal to pass him, and falls into line. It leaves something bitter at the back of his tongue, but the idea of going back scares him more than anything else. Aurum does his best not to show it.

He’s led through the halls once again, ducking down staircases and winding through corridors until he’s standing in front of an unmarked door. The Cardinal takes a deep breath. “These will lead to your quarters, the band ghoul quarters. There’s a commons and a kitchen, and your packmates should have set aside a room for you. Aether-” The Cardinal cuts himself off. His mismatched eyes narrow for a moment, some conflict racing behind them. He gestures at the door, seemingly giving up on whatever train of thought he’d been on.

Aurum shuts his eyes for a moment. Braces himself. He remembers Omega saying that name, what feels like forever ago. But he shakes his head. Pushes the door open. Best to get this over with.

He steps into the ghoul den, the Cardinal right behind him.

It’s lit warmly, a few couches and arm chairs scattered around the large commons. Bookshelves line the walls, as well as a few odd pieces of human technology that he can’t quite parse. It’s warm, and Aurum can’t help himself from letting his shoulders drop.

That is, until he notices he and the Cardinal are not alone in this room.

His eyes lock onto a pair of ghoulettes tucked together on one of the couches, bent over a book and talking quietly to each other. They look up in unison as they too realize they’ve been joined. A cloud of silver white curls block the eyes of the smaller of the pair, but the taller of them stares at him with warm grey eyes, pupils little pinpricks, almost blue black hair draped down her back. The scent of the room shifts to unease, and Aurum’s not sure how much of it is his own nerves and how much is theirs. He notices neither of them are glamoured or masked.

The smaller of the ghoulettes shifts in front of the other. “Cardinal,” she greets, voice chiming like bells, even as her gaze never leaves Aurum. He can feel it pierce through the chrome of his mask even though he can’t see her eyes behind her curls.

“Cumulus, Cirrus, my lionesses,” Copia says, bowing his head for a moment. He takes off his biretta and clutches it to his chest.

The taller of the ghoulettes cocks her head, glancing between her summoner and Aurum and back. “Are you the multighoul everyone’s been talking about who’s joining us?” she asks. The corner of her lips quirk up for a moment.

Aurum shrugs, pulling together every piece of a front as he can. “Suppose so,” he says, trying to match her smile. “So far, I’m the only multi I’ve met here.”

The words taste sour, even as he knows them to be true. Thankfully, neither the ghoulettes or the Cardinal pick up on it.

The smaller ghoulette grins, needle sharp fangs filling her smile. ““It’s lovely to finally meet you,” she says. “I’m Cumulus, and this is my mate Cirrus.”

He matches her grin and presses a hand to his sternum. He feels the buttons of his shirt press against his palm. It’s almost grounding. It makes the smile on his face genuine. “I’m Multi. I look forward to working with you.”

Cirrus looks to the Cardinal. “This will be fun,” she laughs, and Aurum feels heat come to his cheeks, thankful the mask can, well. Mask it. The Cardinal doesn’t have that sort of luxury, going scarlet under the attention of two, undoubtedly, beautiful ghoulettes.

The human sputters for a moment, desperately trying to pull together some sort of composure. “Is- Is everyone else here?” he asks them, and Aurum’s shoulders bristle at the reminder of more new ghouls.

Cumulus hums, thinking. “I think it’s just Dew and Rain here,” she says. “Aether’s in the infirmary, and Mountain’s out on the grounds somewhere. They should be back shortly.”

He nods, and Aurum can hear him swallow. “Alrightie. Would you like me to, eh, retrieve the gentlemen? For introductions?”

Aurum swallows as the three of them talk. He takes a deep breath. Four more to meet. One with a name that he’s heard in passing, and he thinks of the three ghouls he’d seen before he’d collapsed in his summoning. Wonders if any of them are here.

“Cardinal?” A new voice asks, and Aurum’s head whips to face it. A lanky water ghoul steps into the commons, teal finned tail curling around his calf. Deep, inky eyes take in each of them, hesitating longest on Aurum’s.

“Rain, my ghoul,” he says, pulling at the red sleeve of his cassock. Rain offers him an aloof smile, even as his eyes never leave Aurum. He seems just as guarded as Aurum feels, dipping a toe in the water, so to speak. The scent of petrichor fills the room, mixing pleasantly with the fresh air and soft florals of the ghoulettes’ scents.

“And you must be Multi,” Rain says. His voice is low, sounds like meltwater rushing over stones. Aurum’s reminded of the stories of sirens in the Fifth. This must be one of them.

“I am,” he confirms again, still not quite letting his guard down. Offers him the warmest smile he can muster.

The nervous energy in the room crackles, palpable. Not just from Rain. He’s the biggest ghoul in the room by a long shot, and quite frankly, he doesn’t blame them, even if they have him outnumbered. He breathes as steadily as he can. Tries not to broadcast anything they can use against him.

The silence is broken by a throat clearing, rough and hoarse. Aurum startles hard, as does the Cardinal and Rain. Another ghoul steps out from behind Rain, and Aurum has to do a double take.

This ghoul is the spitting image of that water ghoul he’d seen that night, standing between the quintessence and earth ghouls. But not quite. Orange eyes burn like embers into him, sharp features narrowed into a glare as they rake over him. Appraising. It seems like Aurum comes up short, because he huffs loudly.

Instead of the long, silvery hair Aurum remembers seeing, there’s choppy, copper hair sliced off just long enough to brush against narrow shoulders, just barely hiding a rounded, cauterized scar on his throat. Broken obsidian horns jutting out through the strands of hair. Bony arms cross over his chest, a spiked tail padding against the ground, loudly broadcasting irritation just as clear as the acrid, smokey scent that fills the room.

“Dewdrop,” the Cardinal says, nervously glancing between Aurum and this newcomer. The human’s voice seems to snap him out of his glare. He lowers his head for a moment. Aurum’s eyes lock onto a string of bluish pearls hanging from a pocket in his pants, a mother of pearl grucifix swinging as he shifts his weight.

“Cardinal,” he says, hesitant reverence just barely covering a tenseness in his voice. It sounds rough, like he hasn’t had a drink of water in weeks. “This is him?”

Aurum hates the way they’re talking about him like he isn’t even in the room. But he is in fact the newcomer here, yields to the others. Does not want to make a scene, will walk the line carefully for now.

“Yes,” the Cardinal says. The leather of his gloves creak as he grips his biretta tighter. Dewdrop’s eyes lock onto Aurum then, and if his gaze earlier had felt hot, then this must be what the sun feels like.

He shifts, rocking onto the backfoot in a way he hopes comes across as unbothered.

Dewdrop raises an eyebrow. “Take the mask off. Don’t need it here. Let us see who we have to put up with.”

Aurum grins, bright and as easy as he can make it seem even as he can hear the Cardinal sputtering. He reaches up to pull the chrome from his face, letting his glamour melt away. He feels their eyes on him, searching for something he can’t quite place. Can’t quite place what exactly they all think of his unglamoured, true appearance. “My apologies, Dewdrop, but have we met before? You seem incredibly familiar. I think you were there for my summoning, but you looked a little different.”

There’s a flash of something that flares in Dew’s eyes, an almost imperceptible widening, before Dewdrop just glares. But Aurum catches it.

His tail lashes behind him, spikes scraping against the floor. “Absolutely the fuck not,” he snaps. Cirrus and Cumulus’s heads whip over to stare. Rain flinches the slightest bit.

“Sorry,” Aurum shrugs, smiling but it doesn’t touch his eyes. “Could’ve sworn I saw a water ghoul there, but, you know, I could have just been out of it.”

Dew’s upper lip curls up in a sneer, twisting the thin mustache there. “You were,” he snaps.

Aurum just shrugs again, still smiling easily. He can handle this. A little voice in the back of his mind laughs about denial. Like he’s one to talk. He ignores it.

“How’d you know? You just said you weren’t there,” Aurum smiles. Dewdrop scoffs loudly, and the Cardinal scrambles in between the two of them, even though there’s still almost an entire room’s worth of distance.

“Enough of that,” He says, laughing nervously. “We are to work together, no? None of this.”

Dew takes a deep, shuddering breath. He bows his head, even as his lip’s still curled up in a sneer. “Si, Cardinale.”

Aurum says nothing.

The door creaks heavily open behind him, and every muscle in his body goes rigid as Aurum can feel the ghouls looming behind him. Every eye looks past him, Dewdrop almost seeming to relax as Cumulus smiles warmly.

“Aether, Mount!” She greets. Aurum doesn’t dare turn around, the name too familiar.

“Cardinal Copia,” a deep voice says, wary. “Your presence is a pleasure.”

Another ghoul speaks, and this time Aurum tenses like he’s trapped. “And I see the multighoul’s made a full recovery.”

He knows this voice. Knows it was the ghoul that kept avoiding him when he was in the infirmary. He’s still not quite sure why, but there’s vitriol underneath the pleasantness of his tone.

“He has, si,” the Cardinal says, looking past Aurum to the two newcomers. “I brought him down to make introductions. But, Aether, surely you must have met him by now, no?”

There’s a long suffering sigh behind him, followed by a low, disingenuous laugh. Aurum remembers, distinctly, what it felt like when his feet sunk into the earth and trapped him. “No, Cardinal, my duties took me elsewhere.”

“Alrightie,” The Cardinal shrugs, turning back to Aurum, gesturing to the two big ghouls. “Multi, our earth and quintessence ghouls, Mountain and Aether. They are both veterans of the Project along with Dewdrop, and I hope they will guide you as well as they have guided me. Aether and Mountain, our new multighoul, well. Multi.”

Aurum swallows hard and turns around, clutching his mask in his hands. Behind him are two of the biggest ghouls he’s ever seen. It takes every ounce of his will not to cower back, to hold his own as they both glare at him.

The earth ghoul, Mountain, has to hunch slightly, so tall that his antlers would scrape against the stonework ceiling if he stood straight, taller than Esker and Moraine both. Long auburn hair falls from where he tied it back, emerald eyes piercing and narrowed. He cocks his head back and forth, hackles raised.

And if Aurum thought that Mountain was glaring at him, Aether’s glare is so much worse. There’s something burning in the deep violet of his eyes, the bulk of his wide shoulders and broad chest heaving as he grits his teeth. Bright purple hair rushes back in a mohawk, framed by two black, pronged horns. His upper lip lifts in a snarl, revealing a gold tusk.

The Cardinal wrings his hands. “Enough of that, we are to work together, no?”

Aether freezes, squeezes his eyes shut. Mountain puts his hand on the other ghoul’s shoulders. “Of course, Cardinal,” Mountain says, voice deep and soft like a distant rockslide. “Aeth,” he says, leaning in to whisper to him. “Aeth, please.”

The quintessence ghoul, after a moment, nods. “Yes,” he says, bowing a head to the new frontman. He levels one last glare at Aurum before moving past him, bumping shoulders harshly as he makes his way to Dew’s side. He pulls the little fire ghoul against him, and he goes without protest.

Aurum matches his stare, holds his chin up, because there’s no fucking way he’s going to let that slide. But in front of the Cardinal, he just holds himself to the promise of later.

The Cardinal claps his gloved hands together, the sharp noise enough to startle several ghouls, Aurum included. “Well. Introductions. I will show Multi to his room and then I will be out of your hair,” he says, forced cheer barely hiding the man’s nerves. They smell acrid.

Cumulus smiles, leaning against Cirrus’ shoulder. “Perfect,” she says, either not picking up on or just straight up ignoring the thick tension in the air.

“When do practices start?” Rain cuts in, finned tail flicking through the air like it’s cutting through water. His long, elegant fingers twitch at his sides, glancing around the room and not quite looking at his summoner.

The Cardinal thinks for a moment, clearly not quite comfortable yet with everyone’s eyes on him. “Group practice will start tomorrow,” he says. “Once you all have had a little time to settle. Get to know each other.”

The speed at which everyone’s eyes shift from the Cardinal to Aurum makes his head spin. His fingers clench at his side, and his heart races so fast he thinks that Omega might have made the wrong choice releasing him from his care.

Aurum straightens, muscles so tense his back starts to ache, before dropping into a looser, more relaxed posture, glancing from ghoul to ghoul. He hopes he’s coming off as warm. It seems like it’s working until he locks eyes with Aether.

The anger there is palpable.

If he were unglamoured, his ears would pin back flush to his skull, tail curling around his leg like a kit. But he swallows hard and meets Aether’s gaze back.

The world around him sort of dulls. He can hear the Cardinal wishing them farewell as he returns to his own duties, hears himself replying alongside the others. But there’s a fog around him that’s only broken when Aether huffs, turning to Dewdrop and murmuring something too low for him to pick up. The two of them turn and disappear down the hallway, and one by one, the others go too.

Aurum squeezes his eyes shut, letting out a shallow, shaky exhale once he thinks he’s alone. Lets everything come down for just a moment before trying to integrate himself into this pack’s lives.

“You alright?”

Aurum startles, whirling on his heels to face the voice. He’s met with the water ghoul, Rain. Those inky deep eyes stare into him, the distinction between pupil and iris only differentiated with a glimmer of blue.

He blinks slowly, head tilting as he takes Aurum in. Aurum just straightens, hoping that at least one of these ghouls finds something worthy.

“I’m sure they’ll warm up to you soon,” he says, gills on the sides of his neck fluttering with the rise and fall of his chest. His voice is quiet, not quite shy but something aloof and hesitant. “It took them a few days for me.”

Aurum’s brow furrows, unable to look away from this siren. Rain blinks, finned ears tucked close to his head, the teal peeking out from blue-black waves that hang shaggy and brush against his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” Aurum says. He isn’t sure what he’s apologizing for.

Rain just shakes his head. Puts a hand on his bicep, fingers splayed and putting the webbing on full display. “Do you want me to show you where you’re staying?” he asks softly.

He manages to pull his eyes away from Rain, glancing to the hallway all the others disappeared down. “If you wouldn’t mind?”

The water ghoul smiles wide enough to put those serrated teeth on full display, and Aurum hauls his guard all the way back up. “Follow me, all of us new summons are at the end of the hall.”

He turns and walks away, and Aurum snaps out of whatever weird fog he’d found himself in to follow.

The hall is narrow, lined with thick wooden doors, each with a bronze nameplate. Aether, Mountain, Dewdrop… and then the nameplates tarnish, letters scraped away in a fury. Aurum’s hackles raise as Rain leads him further away from the open common room. His stomach churns. There is something unfathomably large here. Invisible, almost tangible.

For what it’s worth, Rain either isn’t affected by it, or is just incredibly good at pretending. He keeps walking to the very end of the hall, a small altar set into a niche. The flame of the pillar candle set there flickers, and Aurum shifts onto his back foot. His heart races in time with it and he hates it.

Rain turns back around. Aurum scrambles to look nonchalant. “This one’s yours,” he says, voice smooth and even, gesturing to a door with another scratched out nameplate. The only betrayal of confusion on Rain’s face is the way his dark eyes flash from Aurum to the altar and back.

“Thanks,” he says, trying his best to lay it on thick the way that made Fog smack his arm playfully, once upon a time. Even though it’s only been a few weeks at most since he’d crawled from the Pit, it genuinely feels like a lifetime ago. Like it was a completely different ghoul who’d run with Fog and her pack.

It was.

He slips into the room that is apparently his now and starts to close the door. Rain cuts in, long fingers curling elegantly around the door jamb. “I’ll see you at practice?” he says, an eyebrow quirking up in curiosity. His finned tail flicks behind him.

“ Aurum nods, reaching a hand up to smooth back his locs. “I’ll see you at practice. This can’t be too hard, right?” There’s a lilt in his tone, even as his fingers shake the slightest bit. Rain shrugs, shifting on his feet. Stares at him down the bridge of his prominent nose. “It was pretty quick to pick up bass guitar,” Rain says. “I’ve never played before. I don’t know how quickly you’ll pick up your parts, though. The Cardinal said that you’d have more than one.” Aurum exhales hard through his nose. “For the different elements.” ”That’s what he told me,” Rain says. “I do hope you don’t have too hard a time. Though some of the others might be able to help? Depending on what elements.”

He just shrugs. “I’ll ask for help if I need it,” he lies. “I’ve always been pretty quick at picking things up.”

Rain smiles. “Good to hear. I- Uh, I think I’m taking up too much of your time,” he says, finned tail sweeping against the stone floor as it waves behind him languidly. “I’ll let you get settled.”

“It was nice meeting you, Rain,” he says, because it’s true.

“Likewise. Glad you’re doing better.” The water ghoul lowers his head for a moment, before backing away with a smile and turning towards another door, the same defaced brass nameplate embedded in it. “See you tomorrow.”

Aurum nods. “See you tomorrow.”

He slips into his room, and his entire posture drops the moment he hears the door latch. He flips the lock before pressing his back against the door, chest heaving with a long, weary sigh. Everything feels like it’s crushing him, a barrage of new stimuli making his skin itch in a way it hasn’t in a while.

Aurum gives himself just a moment to shove his face in his hands. He does his best to get his breathing under control. It shakes and protests his every effort to force it into obedience.

Eventually though, he gets there. He doesn’t feel like he’s going to pass out at the next new sensation anymore. He rolls his shoulders back, one of them popping and settling back into its joint, and takes a look around.

It’s fairly bare bones, but it’s more furnished than anything Aurum’s had access to since he was a kit. A mattress on a frame large enough for him to properly stretch out on, burgundy sheets and covers made up in crisp, near military lines. A desk and chair, a wardrobe, a floor lamp, shelves with nothing held upon them. There’s heavy, navy curtains against one of the walls, a sliver of golden, reddish light painted onto the stone floor where they haven’t been drawn all the way.

He showers, ridding himself of the last of the antiseptic scent that’s been clinging to him since he left the infirmary. Changes into soft, warm clothes that have been supplied to him. The adrenaline of everything new is coming down and coming down fast.

Aurum sprawls out on his back on his brand new bed, not even bothering to turn down the covers. He groans as he almost seems to sink into the mattress, so much softer than where he’s been sleeping for the last few parts of his life.

His chest rises and falls with a deep, slow breath. And then his brow furrows.

The room has been cleaned since whoever lived here last left. But underneath the scent of fresh air when the windows had been left open to air out, there’s the hint of something darker, warmer. Almost, he strains to inhale as much as he can, like amber and saffron and spice.

He lays on his back, eyes wide open, as he stares up at the ceiling, breathing in the last dregs of this stranger’s scent. There’s a scorch mark on the one of the tiles in the tin ceiling.

Sleep takes him as he wonders who he’d been meant to replace, and why they’d need replacing.

Practice starts early the next morning. Rain meets him in the commons, wearing all black and an identical mask to the one that Omega’d given him, presses a mug of something hot and bitter smelling into his hands. “There’s sugar in the kitchen, but a couple of the others are there right now. I understand if you want to keep a little distance for now, they were pretty harsh yesterday.”

Aurum blinks, still reeling from a dream where someone’d been yelling at him. He’d woken up unsure whose voice it was, rattled to the core. “Thanks,” he says, a little wide eyed. Aurum glances down at the mug and takes a sip, grimacing at the taste. “Shit, that’s, that’s sure something,” he sputters, laughing a little.

Rain smiles a little sheepishly, glancing up at the clock. “It’s coffee. Should wake you up a little bit,” he teases, knocking a shoulder against Swiss’s. The ease with which Rain’s made himself comfortable with Aurum makes his head spin a little. “Reckoned you didn’t have any in the infirmary. It’s very human.”

“They drink this?” he says, a little astonished. Rain just laughs. Cirrus and Cumulus emerge from the hallway, greeting Rain before turning to Aurum.

“Morning, boys,” Cumulus says, face rosy with sleep, her curls neatly pulled back as she buttons up her black uniform shirt, her tie and suspenders missing. She’s tucked under Cirrus’s arm, held close to her side.

“Good morning,” Aurum says, bowing his head a little as he greets each of them. His tail flicks and curls around his calves, moving languidly. Cirrus smiles, glances at his mug.

“We’re excited to finally have you join us,” she says, her voice soft and low. In the hand that’s not around her partner’s shoulders is a similar mask to the one that Aurum wears now, silver curls framing the face.

“Me too,” he says, and he’s genuinely surprised to realize that he means it. He takes another drink from the mug Rain had given him, grimacing.

“There’s milk and sugar in the kitchen,” the water ghoul says again, almost reaching to take the mug from him.

Aurum opens his mouth to reply when two figures emerge from the kitchen door. He freezes in place as bright violet eyes glare at him from behind chrome.

“Morning, Aeth,” Cumulus says, glancing between the quint ghoul and Aurum, judging the tension. Aether turns away to face her, and Aurum feels something bristle in him at the way Aether’s entire self seems to melt.

He doesn’t know what he’s done to upset him, and the sting of familiarity is the part that hurts the most.

Aurum downs the rest of the coffee, ignoring the sharp taste, and slinks into the kitchen to put the mug in the sink. The day’s hardly begun and he already wants to go back to hiding in his room.

But practice is to be had, and he doesn’t want to risk upsetting his summoner by not attending. All of the ghouls gather in the commons, dressed near identically, and one by one, they don their masks and slip out into the halls. Aurum follows them, winding through another set of hallways and stairwells until they reach a room in the lowest level of the Ministry with wide double doors.

There’s about a dozen instruments mounted on the walls, and Aether, Dew and Rain each reach for one of their own. Sleek, black and white, almost sharp curved bodies, and they sling the guitar straps over their shoulders before heading to the center of the room.

It’s the mock up of a stage, and Mountain holds out his hand to Cumulus as they and Cirrus climb up the steps to the back platform; the ghoulettes sitting behind keyboards and Mountain taking a deep breath as he sits behind a massive, intricate drum kit.

There’s an empty corner marked by a microphone, and Aurum glances around waiting for any sort of direction. A flash of red catches his eye, and he turns to face the Cardinal.

“Multi, I apologize, heh,” he says, tripping over his tongue in his mouth as he approaches Aurum. The other ghouls warm up, tuning and testing equipment, and some of them look like it’s simply second nature. His fingers twitch. “Forgive me, I have not shown you your instruments or your parts.”

Aurum bows his head. “It’s alright, Cardinal,” he says, even as he feels his heartbeat picking up, that bird that makes his ribcage its home desperate to get out. “Yesterday was busy.”

“Eh, it was,” he says, leading Aurum back to that wall of instruments. His summoner reaches up and pulls down a sleek black guitar, rounded edges polished to such a shine that he can see his own reflection in it. “This is to be yours, my ghoul.”

The Cardinal passes it to him, and Aurum takes it carefully. Knows instinctively that this is an object of some great importance. It feels almost right in his hands and he relishes in that sensation. “I- uh- forgive me, Cardinal,” he says carefully, watching his face for any sort of reaction. “I’ve never played anything like this.”

He just nods, like he’d been expecting such a response. “Many of our ghouls who have served the Project had no musical experience prior to coming Up Top,” he says, and Aurum can hear the many times his summoner’s said this before in the tone of his voice. “You can be taught, and well, eh, most of our newcomers pick up their required skills quite quickly.”

Aurum takes a deep breath, slings the strap over his head, and tries to settle his limbs in a close approximation of how Rain’s holding his guitar. Fingertips of one hand on the neck, thumb resting on the thickest string. It smells of metal and polish, heavy in his nose but far from unpleasant.

“Your guitar parts are in a folder on your platform,” the Cardinal continues. “Of course, when we do head out for shows, we do need to be memorized. Lord Below knows I still need to do some memorizing of the old songs.”

Aurum nods, but he’s picking gently at that thickest string, feeling the vibration of the lowest note buzz against his stomach. He swallows hard. He can do this. And once he gets back into the practice of reading music and singing, he should be golden. The thought makes him cringe for just a moment.

Once again, he’s glad he’s wearing something that obscures most of his face.

“And you have very similar parts to Aether, so if you need help, I am almost certain he’d be willing to help you. He is a very skilled guitarist.”

Aurum wouldn’t call himself the greatest at reading people, especially humans he’s known for less than twenty four hours. But the waiver of uncertainty in the Cardinal’s tone is loud and clear. He glances over the human’s shoulder, only flinching a little bit as those violet eyes burn into him.

Aether turns his back, making his way over to Dewdrop, and leans in to whisper in the fire ghoul’s ear. Dew nods, glancing over to the Cardinal, before letting Aether guide his hands over his instrument.

“He’s been helping Dewdrop learn a new instrument as well,” the Cardinal explains uncertainly. He wrings his gloved hands together in a motion that almost looks like he wants to pick at his hangnails, but the leather prevents such a thing. “He has truly been a great help during this time of great transition.”

Dew looks up at that. Orange eyes burning. Aurum just swallows hard, staring down at the guitar in his hands. “Thank you, Cardinal. I look forward to learning.”

He smiles, the thin mustache on his upper lip curling a little bit. Nervous, sure, but genuine.

It’s easy enough to refresh himself on reading sheet music. He thanks the Sisters that humans used a similar enough notation, and then freezes up on his platform. Aurum hasn’t done anything like that in decades, thanking the Sisters. He shakes his head and gets back to it.

He’s more than clumsy with his new guitar, outshined by miles by the rest of the ghouls around him. Aurum likes to think he makes up for it with his singing. He can feel the gazes of the others, turning to watch when the Cardinal works with him alone.

In the same way that Aurum’s new life had been measured by the intervals between being checked up on in the infirmary, his life becomes the intervals between practices. It’s a struggle, sometimes, willing himself to focus on learning.

Something deep inside of him bristles when he sings praise for a deity he turned his back on more than half of his life ago.

But he knows, somehow, that to protest means being sent back. And that thought makes him feel worse. Not after all the work they’d put in to keep him alive. Aurum knows they’d take it out of his hide before kicking him back Down.

So he keeps singing.

The guitar comes less easily, much to his frustration. The damn thing is so touchy, intricate and foreign. As much as he doesn’t want to, with the tour fast approaching and his parts far from mastered, he knows what his only option is.

It’s difficult to get him alone, because he’s always shoulder to shoulder with Dewdrop, but somehow, Aurum catches Aether alone in the Ministry halls one afternoon.

The quintessence ghoul’s expression changes lightning fast when he realizes who’d stopped him, just a flash of vitriol before fading to something pointedly neutral. “How can I help you, Multi?”

Aurum tries his best to pull together any semblance of confidence, that ease and smoothness that he can pull with Rain, Cirrus, Cumulus. He holds his wrist behind his back, fingers wrapped around thin skin over bone.

“I was told by the Cardinal that you’d be willing to help me with practice?” he says, and curses himself to the City and back when it comes out shaky. Unsure. “Having, well, a fair bit of trouble with the guitar. I’m not quite getting the hang of it.”

Aether, even behind the mask, raises an eyebrow. Aurum winces as he stares him down. “I know,” he says curtly. “Believe me, I know.”

Aurum’s hackles raise, and he takes a deep breath to try and stay level. He knows Aether’s got him beat if he steps out of line. All he smells is ozone. Roiling storms under the thin veneer of fresh air. “Well, sorry, this is all still new to me,” he mumbles, looking away. “The Cardinal told me to go to you.”

Aether huffs, thick arms crossed in front of a broad chest. There’s the glint of silver, a bracelet, wrapped around one wrist. “Well, I can help you, but I’m currently helping Dewdrop with lead guitar. I will help you as soon as he’s got it down.”

“I need- Don’t we leave-” Aurum sputters, grip tightening around his own wrist. “Please.”

Aether hums, head tipping back a little as he considers. “I know we leave soon. I’m just,” he takes a deep breath. Aurum is reminded of overhearing him that first day awake. “I’m incredibly busy,” he says. “You know what? I’m going to talk to Omega. He had my part when he was part of the Project. I’m sure he’ll be able to help you while I help Dewdrop.”

Aurum slinks back a little bit. “I mean, absolutely, any help I could possibly get.” He tries not to let any sort of bitterness through on his tone. But he knows Aether’s quintessence, can probably tell anyways.

Aether grins. The gold fang gleams at him through the cutout of his mask. “I’ll go talk to him, then. On my way to the infirmary now, as it was. I’ll have him let you know.”

Aurum knows a dismissal when he hears it. He lowers his head to Aether the way he’s been doing to the Cardinal. Something burns in his chest. “Thank you, Aether,” he says. He’s not sure how much of it he means.

Omega reaches out not long after. To his credit, Omega’s an incredibly skilled guitarist. Infinitely patient as well. He’s taught before, even if he doesn’t mention who exactly it was in Aurum’s position last.

He works Aurum through all of the old songs, trying his hand at some of the Cardinal’s own, even if he never played any of them with the Project. It’s always at strange times of day, whenever Omega can sneak away from the infirmary for an hour or two without the place catching fire.

But Aurum is truly grateful for any help he can get, does his genuine best to focus and learn and absorb. Tour looms closer every single day.

It’s late one night, a few days before they’re meant to ship out, when Aurum turns to Omega in the practice room after the older ghoul hangs up his retired Fantomen back on its mount.

“I really don’t think Aether told me the truth,” Aurum says, fiddling with a tuning peg on his own Hagström.

“Hm?” Omega says, running a clawed hand through his greying hair. “About what?”

Aurum takes a breath. “About why exactly he couldn’t help me? He said he had to help Dewdrop, but their parts aren’t the same.”

Even with his back turned, Aurum can see clear as day the way Omega stiffens. A low groan escapes his throat. “I trust Aether. With the Project and the infirmary. I trained him for both. But you’re right. Aether’s… Aether’s troubled right now. Who isn’t?”

Aurum doesn’t respond.

Omega turns to peer over his shoulder, a bright lavender eye meeting his own. “It’s not my business to share, but things have been shaken up here quite dramatically in the last year.”

He nods. “I- I can feel it,” he admits, stretching his wrists and shoulders. “It feels like- I was in kind of a bad spot Down Below for a while. Kind of feels like that. Waiting for a shoe to drop.”

Omega, like he had in the infirmary countless times, goes a little hazy in his eyes. It’s only for a moment, and he snaps back to himself visibly. Gives a little chuckle. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“What happened to Aether?” Aurum asks. He’s a little surprised to find genuine curiosity behind it.

The older ghoul lets out a soft exhale through his nose, those violet eyes shutting as he braces himself. Goes somewhere else for a moment. “That’s, well. That’s not exactly for me to tell you. Not my business. But he, Mountain, and Dewdrop are the only surviving ghouls of the previous… administration. Minus myself. But I’m from some time older.”

Aurum lets that sit for a moment. But Omega’s not done.

“Aether took it particularly hard because of the fact that he and Dewdrop are mates. Very recent mates, in fact.” Omega’s brow furrows, and he looks deeply concerned all of a sudden. “Don’t tell them I’m telling you this. But they only became mates after you were summoned. I think it gave them enough to make it through that week. Lord Below knows they needed it, may He watch over them.”

He shrinks in on himself. Stares at Omega.

The silence feels thick and sticky, and Aurum’s hackles raise. Omega startles a little. “Wait, I forgot-” He turns to where his white coat’s abandoned in a pile on a crate of equipment; abandoned when he’d come in for lessons. “I know you’re headed out with the Cardinal in a few days. I wanted to give you a going away gift, of sorts.”

Aurum perks up, head tilted like a puppy that’s found something confusing. “Oh, Omega, I couldn’t-”

Omega doesn’t seem to listen, rustling in his coat pockets. “You’ve grown leaps and bounds since we’ve met, Multi, and I am genuinely, deeply proud of all that you’ve been able to accomplish. I’m certain you are going to make the Olde One proud.”

Despite the way his chest swells with warmth as Omega praises him, Aurum winces hard at the thought. Omega’s back is turned and he doesn’t notice a thing. With a satisfied huff, Omega straightens once he’s found what he’s looking for. He turns back with a black velvet bag in one large hand. It’s similar to the bag that had held his mask when it had been presented to him.

“Now, I haven’t seen you attend Mass. And that’s perfectly fine, I promise. Not all of us- I understand not everyone is deeply pious here, despite it being an abbey. But I still wanted to give you this for the road. It brought me comfort when I was away from the chapels, on tours, and I hope that you may find use for it.”

Omega presses the bag into Aurum’s waiting hands, beaming down at him. “Thank you,” he says, feeling items shifting underneath the velvet. Something hard. “Truly.”

He claps him on the shoulder, and Aurum shuts his eyes with a shudder at the sensation of touch. “You’re going to be great, Multi. Don’t you forget it.”

“Thank you, Omega,” Aurum says, because that’s all he feels like he knows how to say. “I- I’ll do my best.”

“And that is all we ask for,” Omega says, but there’s something behind his eyes that says that’s not up to him to decide.

Once he’s back in the ghoul wing, sequestered away carefully behind a locked door, he overturns the contents of that little velvet bag over his duvet. A few things tumble out; a bundle of incense that smells sweet and herbal, even unlit, a plain silver grucifix on a rosary, a gold ceramic candle holder, and a tall, thin black pillar candle.

All of a sudden, he’s a kit leaving home again, the last glance at that altar opposite the front door with the five candles identical to this very one.

His chest heaves, claws digging into the meat of his palms. A gray haze settles over him. Aurum doesn’t know how much time passes before he snaps out of it, a sharp pain in the spade of his tail.

He shakes himself to awareness to find the leathery spade between his teeth, fangs having pierced the skin on accident. Like a teething fucking kit instead of a grown adult.

“ Fuck, ” he snaps, cursing up a quiet storm in Ghoulish. He reaches for the candle holder, itching to feel the way it’ll shatter if he fastballs the ceramic into the stone wall. A wave of shame hits him like a train at the thought and his tail, still bleeding sluggishly, curls around his calf.

This was a gift. A travel altar for the One Aurum’s turned his back on, sure, but it’s still a gift. He can’t just- Fuck!

Aurum snarls, pacing a little in his room, still just as bare bones as the moment Rain showed it to him. There’s a bag half packed on his desk, toiletries and whatever casual clothes he’s been able to scrounge up. Mostly band tees and jeans, but that’s not important when compared to the garment bag that his uniform is hung up in.

Aurum takes a deep breath and packs up Omega’s gift. Tucks the travel altar into the very bottom of his bag. Just to say he took it if Omega asks later.

He thinks he’s ready. For what it’s worth, he convinces himself he’s ready. He’s always been a halfway decent liar.

The start of the tour is not marked with a grand departure. Sure, the human Siblings of the Abbey celebrate the spreading of the Word, but it is overshadowed by the sense of upheaval and grief that cloaks the entire Ministry. And there is absolutely nothing glamorous in the way all seven ghouls and the Cardinal shuffle about their tour bus, trying to get situated.

Aurum watches his bandmates claim bunks, stands for a moment watching all of the chaos as the Cardinal shuffles through the tight aisle to get to the back bedroom. He takes a deep breath and hauls himself up into one of the top bunks that the others seem to be ignoring.

It’s dark and quiet, and Aurum instantly relaxes despite the tight quarters reminding him intimately of that lichen covered cave in the Seventh. Of ghouls he has been trying so hard not to think about since he nearly burned alive.

He shuts his eyes. This is to be his home for the next few months. Best that he gets rid of that connotation sooner rather than later.

The bus rumbles underneath him, and soon, Aurum finds himself falling asleep.

The next thing he really knows, between sleep and travel and the dull haze he’s been finding himself slipping into every now and again, is waiting backstage at his very first Ritual.

Aurum can hear the people outside waiting for them, the noise of the crowd cresting and falling like a living, breathing thing. He supposes it sort of is. Aurum doesn’t think he’s quite wrapped his head around what he’s gotten himself into.

There’s no nerves. He itches to be out of his glamour. His fingers reach up to fidget with the hem of his balaclava, can feel the heat of the sun beating down onto him and his bandmates, all in their matching black uniforms.

It doesn’t bother him, body already used to such warm temperatures, but he seems to be only one of a few. Cumulus fans herself with her hand as she stands next to Aether and Dew in their little huddle.

“This is nothing,” he overhears Aether tell Cumulus, nudging a big shoulder against the smaller ghoul’s before wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Our old uniforms, the wool cassocks and the masks without the cutouts? Woof. Imagine breathing in your own humidity for several hours straight.”

“At least we weren’t around for those big robes when the Project first started,” Dew cuts in, shaking out his hands, flexing spindly fingers like he’s itching to get his Fantomen in his hands. The blue of his eyes gleams out from the eye holes of his mask. Aurum avoids his gaze.

Rain wrings his hands in front of him, long fingers curling around each other, and Mountain leans in to whisper in the water ghoul’s ear. Eventually, Rain relaxes some, leaning up to smile and whisper back to the taller ghoul.

Of all of them, Cirrus seems the least affected by what they’re all about to do, minus the ghouls who have in fact done this before.

Aurum does his best to remember chords and frets and finger placements and setlist order and harmonies and there is so much going on in his head he feels like it might burst. No, it’s not nerves, he laughs quietly to himself.

The Cardinal is with them, travel mug in hand, pacing and muttering to himself in a mix of Italian, Swedish and English. The others spare him glances, and Aurum thinks he hears Cirrus ask Mountain if they should go to him.

Aurum doesn’t wait to hear the older ghoul’s response. He slips out of the circle and falls in step at the Cardinal’s side.

The man perks up a little, stops in his tracks. Behind him, Aurum can hear the entire rest of the band fall uneasily silent. “We go on soon, Cardinal,” Aurum leans in and murmurs in his ear. The Cardinal’s paints are freshly applied, his upper lip and eyes painted black and lined crisply. Aurum imagines that won’t quite last long, given the heat and sweat of performing, has seen the man after practices.

“Oh, believe me, eh. I know,” The Cardinal says, something bright in his eyes. The Eye especially burns out from the black paint. “You are with me for Miasma, remember?”

Aurum nods. Only vaguely remembering the talk they’d had a few weeks ago about stepping off stage to assist with that particular quick change. They’d have no other need of him during that part of the set, and he’d been more than happy to help. “Of course, Cardinal.”

The human turns to face him, and Aurum still isn’t used to the unadulterated attention of the Eye. A little voice in the back of his mind tells him that he’d run away from all of this. Another voice says that was a lifetime ago. “Are you ready, my ghoul?” he asks with some hesitancy.

Aurum shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath. Lets his shoulders rise and fall with it. “I think I am, Cardinal, and that’s much better than knowing for sure I’m not.”

It draws a startled laugh from the Cardinal’s mouth, and a little bit of the tension that wracked his frame dissipates with it. Aurum counts that as a win. “You truly walk the path of a first,” the Cardinal says, and he can’t see the way Aurum flinches. He shakes his head. The Cardinal has no reason to know of the First families that he once belonged to. “I, eh, I have some large sets of shoes to fill. But I have faith that you all and I will be of great service to our Olde One.”

Aurum opens his mouth to protest, but then there’s the call for places, and a bolt of electricity seems to shoot down each one of their spines. Brought to life and animated, the ghouls and the Cardinal all scramble to their spots. Aurum gets up on his platform, rolls his neck, and takes his Hagström from one of the techs.

Ashes begins to play, and Aurum watches from on high as the crowd morphs and comes alive . A rush of energy so strong it nearly makes his knees buckle hits him, and the show begins.

All of his nerves and fear vanish as his fingers move on muscle memory. He watches the others move on the stage below him, the Cardinal moving between them. Even as Aurum’s voice joins his, he can’t help but admit that the Cardinal’s voice was meant to be the Mouthpiece. He does not believe. Hasn’t for a very long time. But he knows that this will sway more humans to His cause, and Aurum sings and plays to the very best of his ability.

Better than all of that is the sensation of countless human eyes on him. Sure, most of them are watching the Cardinal. But he knows the feeling of being watched. Aurum just hopes they like what they’re seeing.

He lets the music move him and his body, he’s heard it all before in practice, but in performance it’s miles apart. Worries more about showmanship than precise technique.

It works perfectly until Cirice.

The Cardinal steps out onto the platform connecting his own to Mountain’s platform and Cumulus and Cirrus’s platform, walks down to center stage as the song starts. Aurum realizes with a bolt of true, genuine fear that his mind has gone blank. Muscle memory failing him.

Omega’d drilled Cirice with him for what felt like twenty thousand times. And every single one seems to have been wiped from his memory.

He knows he’s supposed to come in on harmony during the bridge, but- what section- oh fuck- it’s now, isn’t it- His entire body seizes up and he does what he’s been taught. Aurum starts to sing.

The Cardinal does not join.

Aurum’s eyes go wide and golden behind his mask. True terror fills every cell of his body. His heart is a bird slamming itself into its cage in a desperate attempt to break free or kill itself trying.

He can’t stop now, just keeps singing. And when the Cardinal comes in at the correct time, Aurum’s face burns as he sings the harmony on the bridge again.

Across the stage, Dew’s eyes burn as he glares at him. Aurum swallows hard and squeezes his eyes shut. Show must go on.

And go on it does. After his little slip up with Cirice, Aurum falls back into the swing of things with an almost practiced ease. Of course, he knows it’s all bullshitted, but he does his best to actually make it seem like he knows what he’s doing.

Before he knows it, the band takes a quick break before Monstrance Clock starts, signaling the end of the Ritual. A call to dark prayer and worship, if there ever were one.

Come with us. Join us.

Despite everything, every promised curse, Aurum finds himself swaying along, his Hagström moving with him. Shuts his eyes and sings and plays and feels something spark almost painfully in his chest that he quickly snuffs out. He knows it’s there, but he’s far from ready to address it. Maybe one day. Maybe after closing dozens of shows in this exact way.

But today is not that day.

Aurum steps down from his platform for bows, hands his Hagström to the tech who’d given it to him at the start of the night, joins the others. Satisfaction and exhaustion roll of off his fellow ghouls in waves, even noticeable in human glamour. They toss out guitar picks and drumsticks bow to the crowd, hand in hand, and then they file off into the wings.

The Cardinal breaks off to talk to one of the road staff, but Aurum isn’t worried about that. He has more pressing issues. Like-

Dew storms up to him the moment they both are out of sight of the crowd, eyes burning even through the blue of his glamour.

“What the fuck was that?” he snarls as they file into the dressing room. Aether and Mountain follow close behind, and Rain shares a nervous look with Cirrus and Cumulus.

Aurum shrugs. He crosses his arms over his broad chest as Dew gets up into his space. “What? I made a mistake, oh no, they’ll banish me because I came in at the wrong place.”

Dew huffs sharply, acrid steam curling from his lips. He rolls his eyes as he glares up at him. Aurum thinks the height difference makes it look hilarious, actually. Making a big deal out of nothing. Dew can bark all he likes, but Aurum knows his bite can’t be worth shit. “I don’t know if you understand exactly what you’ve gotten yourself into, Multi,” he snaps. “But the Ghost Project is an esteemed program. I’d take this a little more seriously, if I were you.”

Aurum scoffs, his glamoured nails digging into the meat of his palms. His body aches just on the wrong side of pleasant, and the adrenaline of the show hasn’t gone down yet. All things considered, he’s been itching for something like this since he woke up Topside. “Well, Dewdrop,” he leans down, letting the gold burn through the dark brown of his human irises. He flashes his teeth in a sneer. “I’m not you, thank the Sisters. I think I’m taking this just as seriously as I need to.”

He can feel the others’ eyes on him. Knows he’s pushing buttons just for the sake of a release. Aether’s glare in particular is sharp, knows the little fire ghoul in front of him is the quint’s mate.

Dew doesn’t back down. If anything, he just gets further into Aurum’s face, nose crinkling as he scowls. “What a disgrace of a ghoul.” He raises an eyebrow, gaze digging into him. Appraising and coming up short. “You are here to spread the Infernal Majesty’s word. To sway the humans to Him. He deserves a better messenger than you.”

Aurum laughs, full chested, like Dew’s just said the funniest joke anyone’s ever heard. This, to his delight, makes Dew recoil. He feels sick. “You really think I care about the fucking Prince? He couldn’t give a shit about me, so it’s only fair I return the favor.”

Dew splutters. “He made us. He cares.”

He lets his eyes drag down Dew’s body, flicking back up to where his face is rapidly reddening. The rest of the band doesn’t exist right now. It’s just the two of them, and fuck, is it fun to press his buttons. “You keep telling yourself that. He sure does care. That’s why He hurts us and turns His back when we ask for Him. You should know better than most, huh, Dew? Funny name for a fire ghoul, don’tcha think?”

Someone growls. Aurum barely hears it.

Dew’s eyes go wide before they narrow, and he steps closer into Aurum’s space. “Oh, fuck you, Multi,” Dew spits. He’s close enough that he can feel the acrid steam rolling from his mouth as he speaks. “If your worthless ass hadn’t been summoned, maybe it wouldn’t be so funny a name.”

Aurum rolls his eyes. This just seems to piss Dew off more.

“You inconsiderate fucking piece of shit,” he snaps.

The world goes red the moment the word slips from Dew’s lips.

Aurum lashes out, big hands finding Dew’s shoulders. He shoves him back so hard that Dew stumbles, falling on his ass with a shout, just barely catching himself with his hands. Wide eyes stare up at him, stunned into silence. Rain physically recoils. Cirrus hisses. A moment of tense, suffocating quiet waiting for the shoe to drop.

Yelling breaks out, so many voices that Aurum can’t pick out the individual words.

He barely has a moment to realize what he’s done before there are hands on him. Aether moves with surprising speed for a ghoul his size, growling so loudly it sounds like a roar.

Aether shoves him against the cinderblock wall behind him with a loud thud. Aurum barely feels it. “Keep your fucking hands off of him,” Aether snarls, pressed so close that Aurum’s eyes cross as he tries to look at him.

“Or what?” he laughs. He doesn’t stop laughing, even as Aether’s hand grabs the column of his throat, grinding the back of his skull into the wall. Even as instinctual fear jolts down his spine, he keeps laughing, grinning manically. He almost wants to spit in Aether’s face just to see what his reaction would be.

Aether’s grip tightens, losing his glamour so the points of his claws dig into his throat. “I’ll fucking kill you.”

“You’re holding back,” Aurum taunts. “Come on, big guy. I know you can do it.”

“I should,” Aether spits. “This is your own fucking fault.”

He cocks his head, even as he winces when Aether’s claws press at his jugular. Wonders what it’ll feel like when they actually make purchase. “Aw, really? What did I do?”

“Son of a bitch,” Aether says, but then Mountain’s pulling hard at his arm, yanking him away from Aether. He just barely has time to take a breath before he realizes Mountain isn’t trying to save him.

He towers over him, the same way he had to Dew. Mountain’s eyes almost glow emerald, and Aurum doesn’t stop grinning. “There has never been need for a multighoul in the Project,” Mountain says, matter-of-fact. His voice wavers with barely held back rage. “We could send you back just the same as the humans.”

“Then why won’t you do it?” Aurum asks. He knows he’s digging himself into a hole, but he doesn’t remember the last time he felt this alive outside of the Ritual. “Come on, did I get summoned to join a pack of cowards? I’m not fighting back. Have fucking at it.”

Mountain growls, low and dangerous like a rockslide. His claws dig into Aurum’s biceps, piercing his shirtsleeves and breaking skin. The iron scent of blood fills his nose, and a dark little voice at the back of his mind hopes the entire pack breaks into a frenzy over it.

He laughs, eyes gleaming. “It’s not going to be me, Multi. He should get to do it,” he rumbles, crossing his arms as he towers over them. “Him and Dew.” Instead, Mountain shoves him back to Aether.

Aether shoves his sweaty shirtsleeves up past thick forearms, the silver of his jewelry glinting in the harsh fluorescents. “I am going to make you fucking regret ever looking at that portal,” Aether says matter of fact, sparks of quintessence jumping from his unglamoured claws. A strong hand closes around his throat. Aurum wheezes sharply as his eyes bug out.

He pulls his hand back to rake down his body and gut him like a fish when the door slams open. Every single ghoul freezes.

“What the fuck have I walked into?” The Cardinal snaps, white Eye raking over the carnage. “I want an explanation. Right now.”

Aether doesn’t look away from Aurum, still glaring daggers into him like he could eviscerate him just like that. “He put his hands on my mate. I am acting accordingly.”

Aurum doesn’t say anything. Chest heaving as Aether lets go, the rough wall still digging into his back through his sweat-soaked shirt. Does not defend himself.

“Is that true, my ghoul?” The Cardinal snaps, wheeling to face Aurum.

The tone makes something shatter in Aurum’s chest, and he wheezes as he tries to answer before he loses himself entirely. His vision unfocuses. His fingertips go numb. It’s too late. It’s not like he was going to defend himself anyways.

Aurum’s startled out of his haze by a hand clapping down on his shoulder. He yelps like a kit caught in the preserves jar. The Cardinal hauls him out of the green room, leading him into the hallway.

There’s still roadies and staff moving about, teardown beginning to really pick up, but the Cardinal ignores them all. Distantly, Aurum thinks about how different he is from the man he’d met in that office. His hands shake. Does not let his mind go to that closed off door at the very core of himself.

The Cardinal huffs, shoves open a door and flicks on the lights. It’s an unused dressing room, by the looks of it, and he hauls Aurum into it and slams the door behind them.

If he were unglamoured, his ears would be pinned back tight to the point of pain, tail curled around his calf or lashing nervously behind him. But for what it’s worth, in this makeshift human skin, all he can do is hold his arms behind himself, a woman’s voice echoing in the back of his mind long before the Cardinal starts to speak.

“Multi, we cannot afford behavior like this,” he says, the black suit clinging to his skin with sweat as he paces. “We made mistakes, yes, we all did. Myself included, eh heh. But that does not mean we can antagonize each other.”

Aurum’s lost, opens his mouth to speak but it’s like he left his voice back in the other room. Maybe that’s all he’s good at, starting problems. It’s been the case since he was a kit.

“Oh, Multi,” the Cardinal says, voice taking a much different tone, and the pity Aurum finds there makes him bristle, retreat even further into his own mind. “Multi, you don’t have to answer, but I just want you to listen, si?”

It’s all he can do to make himself nod.

“I don’t know what your life was like before all of this. You do not have to tell, of course, only if you want,” the Cardinal begins to babble, but cuts himself off. “What I am saying is. We have to work together. We have to, or this whole thing falls apart around us, no? The Clergy would have our heads. I, frankly, do not care for the anger the three of them all have towards you. Nor the anger you clearly have for them. But I am responsible for you and your lot, and your mistakes don’t just reflect poorly onto you, no? They are my responsibility. And I cannot handle looking bad. The Project is shaky enough as is, I cannot afford any more scrutiny. The Sister Imperator would have my head on a platter.”

Aurum opens his mouth to protest, but the words still don’t come. They wouldn’t be true anyways.

“I hope we all can find a way to work through this, Multi. For my sake, your sake, and the entire band’s sake. I just. I do not understand.”

“I- I don’t know, Cardinal,” Aurum’s voice returns to him then. “I just- I don’t-”

The Cardinal sighs, squeezes his eyes shut. He’s close enough that Aurum can see where his paint’s smudging around the edges and creases, skin shiny with sweat. “You don’t have to have an answer now,” he says, and he sounds just as tired as Aurum feels. “But I want you to apologize. I will be talking to the rest of them later. Just. Please, Multi. We all need you, just as you need us. Please.”

Aurum cringes hard, all of that shame and anger and something that hurts too much to name swirling inside of him. “Yes, Cardinal,” he breathes. His eyes sting. “I’m sorry.”

The Cardinal sets a gloved hand on his shoulder. “We will work on it, yes?”

Aurum nods. It’s all he has energy to do.

“Come, let us get changed. We have a hotel tonight, A fresh start in the morning.”

Aurum nods and follows the Cardinal back to the others.

Unsurprisingly, his fellow ghouls give him as wide a berth as they can muster in the tight quarters. He doesn’t mind, nor does he blame them. He deserves it.

The ride to the hotel is a blur, even though Aurum can feel eyes on him the entire way there. He blinks slowly as the Cardinal presses a keycard into his hand. Distantly, vaguely, he realizes it matches Rain’s.

Aurum sighs softly, makes the trudge down the hallway to their room. It’s just as impersonal as his room back at the Ministry, two beds, a desk and chair, curtains drawn tight, and it’s a comfort and a relief. Rain follows him in, but doesn’t set his bag down.

“I- uh- Multi,” he says, quiet and aloof and bristling. Aurum shuts his eyes for a second before turning to face Rain.

“Yeah?” he says. His own voice sounds like he’s been gargling nails. He winces at the thought of having to sing again tomorrow.

“I talked to Mountain, while you were with Copia,” he says. He can’t quite seem to make eye contact. “I was going to go bunk with him tonight. Thought you might appreciate a little alone time.”

There’s enough truth to it that Aurum can’t call him out for lying. But he can read between the lines on this one. Remembers the way Rain had recoiled when he’d put his hands on Dew. “Thanks,” he says, struggling to shape his mouth around the words. “I- uh- Have a good night?”

Rain gives him a little smile. There’s something sad and distant in his eyes, even through the human glamour. “You too, Multi. Try and get some sleep?”

“I will,” he says. Rain slinks out the door.

The moment the door latches, Aurum’s knees threaten to give out. He sits heavily on the edge of one of the queen beds, bag forgotten. The air conditioning hums like tinnitus in his ears.

He buries his face in his hands and does something he hasn’t done since he was a kit.

Aurum cries.

[local-diavolo-anon]

"One came to my temple, young and ambitious and thirsty for war."

"I dismissed them. I will not abide such blasphemy."

-Ancient Tablet VII

[ibahibut]

💀: Fewer wounds, more kisses from me.

🐦‍⬛: Contract's accepted, mi amor.

Music inspiration: A Little Death by The Neighbourhood

[glitterrosesnzz]

can I ask something with a sick venti?i miss him trying to hide his wings even when he feels bad(imagine if he accidentally slaps the traveler with them)

as usual when it comes to me writing m/ondstadt, a bunch of characters who weren't intended to be here ended up showing up anyways-

~

When Aether entered the Dawn Winery, per the request of Diluc's message (which had been urgently sent via bird), the first thing he saw was Kaeya standing in the foyer.

"...Shouldn't you be upstairs helping out?" Aether asked. Kaeya avoided his eyes for a moment, then fixed him with an award winning smile that Aether was not the least bit fooled by.

"I got kicked out. ...For reasons." Kaeya said- and it was at this point that Aether belatedly noticed the layer of frost slowly melting off of the cavalry captain's hands.

"For reasons, huh?" Aether deadpanned, reaching into his pocket dimension and rummaging around for a moment. Eventually he seemed to find what he was looking for, as he pulled out a small bag. "Well- I guess you can do this then- I got some leaves from the Windrise tree and some other... tea stuff. At the very least adding the Windrise leaves to it should help Venti a little. ...I think."

"Ah, reduced to the job of boiling water." Kaeya took the offered bag and started walking in the direction of the kitchen.

"Don't burn it!" Aether called after him.

"Is it even possible to burn water?"

"I'm sure there are ways." A vivid memory of the last time the Raiden Shogun had tried cooking sprung to mind. Aether shook the thought out of his head, and turned and headed upstairs to the bedrooms. As soon as he got up there, he could make out the sound of voices coming from the guest room.

"Bard, get back in that bed right now or so help me-"

"I didn't take you as the type to infringe on other's freedoms, Master Diluc-"

"Alright, that's it-"

Aether opened the door at just the right time to witness Diluc grab Venti by the waist and lift him up and away from the window the anemo archon had clearly been trying to get to. Venti barely even struggled, although he did kick his legs a little bit, clearly trying half-heartedly to hit Diluc and not at all succeeding.

A quick glance to the side revealed that Jean was also in the room, her hand against her forehead in barely restrained frustration.

"Diluc, please be gentle with him." She said, quietly acknowledging the Traveler's presence with a small nod. Diluc didn't verbally respond to her, but Aether could've sworn he saw him roll his eyes.

Venti was practically pouting as he was placed back down onto the bed, crossing his arms and glaring at Diluc, which the other pointedly ignored. Aether finally got a chance to take in Venti's appearance- his hair was all mussed up, and one of his braids was coming undone. The ends of his hair were glowing with the teal of anemo, and that, combined with the flush on his face, was all the information Aether needed to know that Venti was most likely running a fever.

It was only once Aether was standing directly beside the bed that Venti finally took notice of him.

"Oh, hey Traveler!" Venti sniffled a little, rubbing his nose against his sleeve. "Would you mind telling these two that I am perfectly fine enough to make a lil trip to Old Mondstadt?"

"Ha, nice try." Aether said, sitting down on the edge of the bed beside Venti. "Diluc specifically called me in as reinforcement."

"Oh c'mon, I'm clearly fi-ihh...hIH-" The teal glow in Venti's hair flared brighter as his eyes slipped shut. Jean and Diluc hurriedly stepped back away from the bed-

Aether didn't quite get the memo in time.

"Hh'NGkT-chiew!!" Venti doubled over with a stifled sneeze, his wings appearing and unfolding- smacking Aether in the face and knocking him off the bed. The Traveler remained on the floor for a moment, stunned. After a second, he pushed himself up, catching the moment Venti's wings drooped down with exhaustion- and a bit of guilt.

"...Sorry, Traveler." He muttered, retracting his wings with a visible grimace, his body shuddering. Aether frowned, re-taking his position of sitting on the bed- albeit in a spot he was less likely to get smacked by a wing.

"It's fine." Aether said, "Wouldn't it be easier if you just left your wings out, though?"

"Uhh..." Venti rubbed at his nose again, tilting his head to the side a little and avoiding eye contact. Off to the side, Jean and Diluc let out near identical sighs.

"We've been trying to tell him that for the past two hours." Jean said, "He hasn't listened."

Venti fully looked away from them, muttering something about the possibilities of maids walking in at any time. Diluc opened his mouth, clearly about to say something about how he'd sent all the Dawn Winery staff home for the day-

There was a loud crash from the kitchen, startling everyone, followed by a curse that was surprisingly loud enough to reach up to the second floor.

"...I gave Kaeya the job of making tea." Aether said, "How could you possibly mess up at making tea?"

Diluc glanced upwards as though he was praying for a miracle- though he likely wasn't actually praying, considering his god was sitting sick directly in front of him. He turned and marched out of the room, Jean hurriedly moving to follow him- briefly glancing back and silently asking with her expression if Aether could handle Venti on his own. The Traveler gave her a nod in return, and she quickly followed Diluc down the stairs.

Venti stared at Aether.

Aether stared at Venti.

Slowly, as though Aether wasn't staring directly at him, Venti got off of the bed, and on somewhat shaky legs, started making his way towards the window.

Aether patiently waited until Venti was right in front of the window before he launched off of the bed, quickly grabbing onto Venti's shoulders, pulling him back away from the window.

"Aw, c'mon!" Venti whined as Aether started gently pushing him back towards the bed. "Just a tiny trip to Ol-hH-.... Old MondstahH-"

Venti's hands started moving up to his face-

Aether spun Venti around so that he was facing him, grabbing hold of one of Venti's wrist with one hand, and placing his other hand against the back of Venti's head, gently bringing Venti closer to him. Venti squirmed, shaking his head and trying to choke back hitching breaths.

"Hey, it's okay." Aether said, "Trust me."

Even if Venti wanted to protest to that, he didn't really get much choice in the matter.

"Hihh-hH'ISsH-iew!! Hh...hEH'EtSHchiew!!" Venti had no choice but to sneeze into Aether's shoulder, his wings unfurling, one of them smacking into the wall of the room. Aether winced a little at that, figuring it was definitely bruised at least. Venti's wings twitched, and then he was surging forwards with three more sneezes. "Heh- hEH'Tt-shiew! Hh'EtSHiew!! Hh- hihH- hH'ITsHhiew!!"

Aether barely held back a shiver at the sensation of anemo energy that now filled his veins, smirking a little as Venti pulled back, clear surprise on his face.

"...Um." Venti blinked slowly, seemingly processing, and Aether used the opportunity to guide him back to the bed, carefully maneuvering around Venti's wings.

"There we go." Aether said once Venti was sitting down, "You don't have to go to Old Mondstadt anymore, right?"

"....I... guess not?" Venti said, just the slightest bit dazed. A thought seemed to cross his mind, clearing some of the haze from his eyes. "Ah- but, you'll get sick if I keep-"

"Oh, please." Aether scoffed, "I don't get sick."

Venti stared at him with something in between disbelief and being completely and utterly unimpressed.

"No, seriously, I've never been sick in my life." Aether continued, "Never."

Venti opened his mouth, ready to question him-

Another crash, much louder than before, rang out from the kitchen, followed by three different panicked shouts, along with what Aether was certain was the sound of Diluc summoning his claymore. Aether threw his hands up in frustration.

"It is not that hard to make tea! They've literally all done it before!" He said, making his way to the door. He paused in the doorframe, turned around, and pointed at Venti.

"Stay there. I'll be back in a second." He said, and then vanished down the hall. Venti stared unblinkingly at the door for a solid minute, and then sighed, laying down on his side, his wing folding overtop of him like a blanket. If he was going to have to stay here, he might as well get comfortable...

He must've fallen asleep at some point, cause when he next opened his eyes, there was a cup of tea on the nightstand beside him, and Aether was sitting there, looking slightly singed.

"...The art of making tea is more complicated than you'd think." He said, and Venti made a mental note to himself to later ask what in Teyvat had happened in that kitchen.

[welcometogrouchland]

i was gonna make a whole seperate post about how context and art seems to imply that the ex boyfriend that got stephanie pregnant was at least 18, if not older, when she was 16/15, which is kinda squicky (i mean not if she's 16 really, but 15 yes) but in my journeys on the Stephanie Brown wiki (real and delightful thing that exists) i discovered the batman chronicles #22 where her UNCLE HITS ON HER???? i think that's what we're meant to get from it anyway the dialogue is subtle (the art is not imo). AND I. WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT. STEPHANIE YOU CAN START AS MANY GANG WARS AS YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE THE WAY IT IS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

[ninjafuuzz]

Hoffstrahm AU kinda thing idk

CW for mental health issues and su!c!de

OK LISTEN

What if post-glass coffin Hoffstrahm AU where Hoffman spares Strahm bc he pussies out at the end and couldn’t bear seeing Strahm die after his arm was starting to snap. Hoffman fixes him up (does a lowsy job at it ofc), Strahm miraculously survives the injury , he gets kidnapped and thrown in some cabin in the countryside where Hoffman feeds him and stuff, keeping him alive. Peter, still shell-shocked and helplessly incapacitated, stays with him. So Strahm lives but is so PTSD-ridden he can’t even function normally, he gets paranoia and panic attacks and practically depends on Hoffman like a little child.

LIKE okay I know this is kinda another typical “Strahm-survives” kind of premise for a fic but listen. While Hoffman, who is, at the time, still the cold-blooded selfish murderer that he is, initially treats Strahm like a dog and lets him live out of mere pity, he SLOWLY realises, through his actions, that he actually wants to care and protect this utterly broken man who’s a result of his doings, and inevitably falls in love. (cue the florence nightingale effect) Hoffman begins cooking him meals, from imprisoning him inside the home to walking with him everyday when the sky’s clear, washing his hair, showing him his favorite films or music, letting Peter sleep in his arms whenever he has a nightmare.

I suppose we could imagine Strahm being so traumatised and wounded he’s drained of his usual rationality and temper and that’s why he lets Hoffman baby him. But of course Strahm isn’t COMPLETELY broken. His symptoms lessen, he gets better but still has frequent attacks. After some time he regains his usual wit and nature. At one point of course he simply realises what’s been happening and goes batshit angry. Hoffman sympathetically and patiently works it out with him. Strahm resists at first, perhaps by trying to kill Hoffman and escape or even attempting k!ll!ng himself. After trial and error and lots and lots of blood sweat and tears, Strahm starts realising that Hoffman genuinely cares… and not out of pity, but love. His mental instability and wanted status leaves him crawling back to Hoffman whenever he tries to run away.

Eventually Hoffman stops killing and cuts ties with Kramer. All his resentment and vengeance now replaced by his attachment to Peter. As for Strahm, he takes a tad longer to give in, and to accept the fact that he’s actually content and at peace when he’s with Hoffman and break through the moral boundary(aka the fact that Hoffman used to be a reckless bloodthirsty killer). Hoffman pretty much retires and wants to pursue a different way of living with Strahm.

And after everything, they end up becoming two runaways living in a wooded cabin surrounded by forests and mountains, secluded from a tiny town where they work together among the locals, indifferent to the past they’ve left behind. They’d go hiking and fishing, watch all the shitty films Mark would bring home, plant a garden, cut lumber, play-fight and cuddle in grass fields. Mark tending to Peter whenever he gets a panic attack, Peter learns to get used to receiving such solace. Slowly it becomes this usual, domestic thing between them. Perhaps one day one of them would propose to the other. Perhaps they’d grow old together, too.

-

P/S i was listening to The Bug Collector by Haley Heynderickx when I had this thought. i suppose i kind of saw this poetic analogy between “the bug” and Strahm’s chronic issues and inner conflicts that Hoffman wants to get rid of while Hoffman is the “bug collector” so to speak??.. idk interpret it however you will but this song truly inspired the whole mess. kinda fitted the misty earthy mountains vibe i was going for with this prompt too. really suggest you guys give the song a listen its beautiful. i also suggest checking out the genius annotation of the lyrics

[canine-arts]

instead of writing my fic i decided to make do some possible cover art for it ✌︎︎૮･ﻌ･ა

[hismourningflower]

heads up; since it’s fourteen days until my birthday, i’m gonna be focusing on writing my two birthday fics so i can finish and schedule them for the sixth march !! which means i may not be writing my other drafts for a few days while i quickly get these done <3

[autistic-katara]

girl help the hyperfixation’s returned but i already binged all the short angst fics featuring my Mental Illness™ in one night

[fushitoru]

an imperial command a knight!choso fic

pairing ⸺ knight/warrior!choso x princess!reader

summary ⸺ you, the princess of the nation, and choso, the son of your father's most trusted general, have been inseperable since birth. but after many deem it inappropriate for him to be so close to you, the distance between you and him only deepens after he leaves for war. when he comes back older and a more handsome, bigger version of the choso of your childhood, you both grapple with love, duty, and test the bounds of propierty.

warnings ⸺ smut, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, fem!reader, reader has a vagina, classism? not really, reader may seem pushy at times, not edited, very sweet love confession, happy ending, fingering, breast worship, virgin reader, mutual loss of virginity, mentions of sexism and archaic beliefs about virginity, pathetic choso, soft dom choso, p i v sex, gentle choso :(, me being really horny about his HAPPY TRAIL

a/n it's something about a hot decorated warrior that crumbles at the thought of you...

general masterlist

You and Choso had been inseparable since birth.

As the princess of the realm and the son of the general—your father’s most trusted advisor and sworn brother—it seemed ordained by fate itself that you should become steadfast companions. And companions you were; as babes, you darted through the royal gardens, frolicked in the halls of the palace, and devised schemes to escape the ever-watchful eyes of your tutors. Only the constraints of your education would separate you. You were confined to lessons in the classical tongues, the harp, and courtly diplomacy, while Choso immersed himself in the arts of the sword, the strategies of war, and the unyielding discipline of a soldier.

“Choso!” you squealed, your laughter ringing through the royal gardens as you fled from an imagined dragon. You ran toward him, your skirts billowing behind you, and found him poised and ready. His knees were bent, his gaze unwavering, and his small wooden sword clutched tightly in his hands. He glared past you at the phantom threat with the solemnity of a true knight.

“I will save you, Your Highness!” he roared and lunged, hacking away at the demon passionately. You cheered him on, giggling at his act.

“You’ve done it!” you cheered, clapping your hands in delight. But then your eyes widened in feigned terror. “Look, another one approaches!”

Choso spun around at your warning, his attention diverted just as you had planned. Seizing the moment, you imagined the dreadful beast closing in on his unguarded back.

“Watch out!” you exclaimed, grabbing a fallen branch to defend him. With a bold leap, you placed yourself between Choso and the imagined peril, brandishing your twig as though it were a knight’s blade.

“I’ve got you!” you declared, laughing as you swung your newfound weapon, the pair of you lost in the unrestrained joy of childhood.

Of course, while the king, your father, appreciated you so closely acquainted with his general’s son, your mother did not seem to think it wise that you become estranged from the daughters of nobles; after all, you would need to forge relationships early on to strengthen your future court. This led to many a playdates being interrupted.

“You didn’t need to save me!” Choso whined, pouting while crossing his arms. 

However, you held out a pudgy hand, patting his hair as if to soothe him. “It’s okay, Choso. If you ever need saving, I’ll always be there—” “YOUR HIGHNESS!” You heard footsteps running towards where the both of you were sitting idly. When parrying the imaginary monster’s attacks, you had tumbled on top of Choso, your dress and limbs entangled with his and both of your hair unruly. Hearing your governess’ voice led you to pout, for you were sure to earn a scolding for fooling around with Choso rather than practicing the violin for the nth time. Alas, you couldn’t escape her—as well as Choso’s nannies, who had appeared—and you both looked sheepishly at their horrified faces.  

Frowning, Choso’s nanny stomped towards the both of you, untangling you both impatiently and, once you were both standing, giving Choso a light smack on his head while bowing towards you. “Your Highness, I apologize, but the both of you mustn’t do such things anymore. You both are far past the age that this is appropriate.”

“What?” You pouted, disappointed in having to back to your room, confined to practice your violin with those dreadful, boring tunes. “What isn’t appropriate about this? We’re just playing—”

“Your Highness,” your governess began, her strained smile barely masking her displeasure. “It is not fitting for a princess to engage in such… undignified behavior. You must remember your station. A young lady of your rank is expected to conduct herself with grace and decorum at all times.”

Choso’s nanny, now tidying his tousled hair with brisk, efficient motions, added in a sharper tone, “And you, young master, should remember your place. You are not her equal but her servant’s son. Such familiarity is unbecoming.”

At her words, Choso’s face turned pale, his gaze dropping to the ground. His hands clenched into small fists at his sides, but he said nothing, his lips pressed tightly together. You could see the effort it took him to remain still, his shoulders stiff with tension.

“Choso?” you called softly, tilting your head to catch his eye. 

However, he did not look up, though his voice came, quiet and steady. “I’m sorry, Your Highness. I… I won’t do it again.”

Your brows furrowed, your chest tightening at the sight of his downcast expression. “What are you apologizing for?” you demanded, your voice sharper than you intended. “You’ve done nothing wrong! We were only playing.”

“Your Highness!” your governess interjected, her tone scandalized. “Such defiance is unbecoming. You must understand—”

“I understand perfectly,” you snapped, cutting her off. “I understand that I don’t care for these rules. Choso is my friend, and I decide what is and isn’t proper!”

Choso’s nanny inhaled sharply, but he quickly stepped forward, shaking his head fervently. “Please, Your Highness,” he murmured, his voice almost a whisper. “Don’t… don’t say such things for me. I’ll… I’ll do as I’m told. I promise.”

“Choso!” you exclaim, betrayed as the sting of his words settling in your chest. His gaze still refused to meet yours, fixed instead on the ground between you.

Your governess, sensing her victory, straightened. “Your Highness, you must return to your chambers immediately. Your music tutor is waiting. And as for you, Master Choso, your training will resume at once. I trust there will be no further disruptions.”

Neither of you spoke as the governess and the nanny ushered you away in opposite directions, their sharp voices ringing in your ears. Yet, as you glanced over your shoulder, you caught one last fleeting glimpse of Choso, his hesitant gaze finally meeting yours for the briefest of moments. It held a quiet resolve that only deepened your frustration.

“Wait and see,” you muttered under your breath as you were dragged back toward your chambers. “I’ll change this someday.”

That was the last time he ever spoke your name aloud; now, you were only Your Highness and The Royal Princess. It irritated you to no end; you were his friend, not his superior. But he insisted, falling deeper and deeper into the depths of social proprietary and hierarchy his nannies and parents were no doubt pressuring him into. You could only take what you had; if he was refusing your affection, he would at least not refuse royal commands of rendezvous.

Years had gracefully unfolded since that day, and now, as teenagers, your clandestine meetings in the royal gardens had blossomed into cherished rituals beneath the cloak of night. The gardens, adorned with that glowed under the moon's gentle gaze, became the sanctuary where you and Choso could momentarily escape the rigid expectations of courtly life.

As you approached the secluded alcove near the ancient marble fountain, your heart fluttered with a mixture of anticipation and nervous excitement. 

And there he was.

Choso waited beneath the willow tree, his dark eyes darting between the swaying branches and the dimly lit path beyond. The shadows stretched long in the garden, and the faint sound of patrolling guards put a furrow in his brow. He shifted on his feet, arms crossed tightly as though bracing himself for some reprimand.

When you finally appeared, dressed in your lighter night robes, he let out a small breath of relief. “Your Highness, you shouldn’t—”

“Can you stop that?” You whine, brushing him off and making a move to sit in the swing right by the tree. You lightly swing your feet, establishing a gentle rhythm while you grin mischievously at him, meeting your lighthearted eyes with his furrowed, slightly worried ones. “Don’t be such a spoilsport, Choso. No one’s going to catch us.”

He can only shake his head, for after years of friendship had led him to know one universal truth: if there was one thing, it was that your mind, once resolute, could not be changed. “I don’t know how you keep wanting to risk them discovering this.” Then, he sighs, lamenting weakly, “and why I have to dragged into this.”

You flash him an innocent smile, about to give a cocky response about how you’re the princess and it’s not like Choso doesn’t want this…right? but both of you pause, deadly still, when you hear the undeniable clinks of armor.

Patrolling guards.

Choso’s head snapped toward the sound, his body going rigid. It kind of dazes you, in a way, how his curriculum as a warrior leads him to be so alert. It’s also this moment that you realize how grown you both are becoming; it feels as if you’re stuck as a dainty princess, while he’s steadily growing taller and bigger, a smaller picture of his formidable father.

“Someone’s coming,” he whispered, his voice barely audible over the rustling leaves.

You froze, exchanging a wide-eyed glance with him before instinctively ducking behind the grand marble fountain. The cold stone pressed against your back as the guards’ footsteps grew louder, accompanied by the bobbing light of their lanterns.

“Who’s there?” one of them called out, his voice sharp and commanding.

Choso shifted beside you, his breath quick and shallow. Your hand brushed against his arm in reassurance, but it did little to ease the tension radiating off him. The guards’ lanterns swept methodically across the gardens, their shadows flickering on the trees.

“Stay still,” Choso mouthed, his dark eyes fixed on the approaching light.

The guards drew closer, their boots crunching against the gravel path. You could feel your pulse hammering in your ears, each second dragging on unbearably.

Then, a faint rustle to your left—a squirrel darting across the underbrush. The guards turned toward the noise, their lanterns swinging wide.

“Must’ve been an animal,” one muttered, though he sounded unconvinced.

“Keep looking,” the other replied gruffly. “The king’s orders were clear—no one’s to linger in the gardens after dark.”

The pair continued past, their voices fading as they moved toward the far side of the grounds.

You let out a shaky breath, but before you could fully relax, Choso grabbed your hand, pulling you to your feet. “We need to go deeper,” he said urgently, his voice low.

Without waiting for your agreement, he led you away from the fountain, weaving through the hedges and into the denser parts of the forest. The shadows thickened as the soft glow of the garden lanterns disappeared behind you. Branches brushed against your arms, and the earthy scent of moss and damp leaves filled the air as you ran.

“Choso!” you whispered breathlessly, struggling to keep up with his longer strides. “They’re gone!”

“Not far enough,” he replied, glancing back at you. “We can’t risk them doubling back.”

The forest grew darker the deeper you went, the canopy above blocking out most of the moonlight. Finally, when the sound of your own breathing seemed louder than anything else, Choso slowed to a halt beneath a towering oak.

“We should be safe here,” he murmured, releasing your hand.

You both sank to the ground, the soft carpet of moss cushioning your fall. For a moment, neither of you spoke, too winded to do anything but sit there, catching your breath. Then, a stifled giggle bubbled out of you, unable to contain the absurdity of the chase.

Choso shot you a warning look, but his resolve cracked when you pressed your hands over your mouth, failing to muffle your laughter. A small laugh escaped him in turn, and soon you were both doubled over, trying in vain to quiet yourselves.

“Shhh!” Choso whispered, though he was grinning. “You’ll get us caught.”

“You’re the loud one,” you whispered back, nudging him playfully.

Soon, the laughter slowly subsided, leaving only the sound of rustling leaves and the distant hoot of an owl. Choso leaned back against the tree, his expression softening as he glanced up at the canopy. His eyes caught on something above, and he pointed. “Look—fruit.”

Following his gaze, you spotted the cluster of small, round pomengrenates hanging from a low branch. Choso stood, brushing dirt from his trousers, and reached up to pluck one. He examined it briefly before biting into it, his movements unhurried and deliberate.

“Are you just going to eat that without offering me one?” you asked, crossing your arms.

He smirked, holding another pomengrenate aloft. “You want it?”

“Obviously.”

But instead of handing it over, Choso lifted it above his head, his smirk widening. “Come and get it.” You stood up, moving closer to him to make a motion to grab the fruit. Alas, the effort was not fruitful. 

“Choso!” you hissed, glaring at him as he kept the fruit just out of reach. You try many things: you grab his shoulder, tickle him on his stomach, and arms. However, it all is in vain.

“You’re the one who wants it,” he said, his head peering down at you in amusement.

You stood, determination written all over your face. “Fine. If you think I can’t—”

You leapt, swatting at his hand, but he easily moved the fruit higher, his height giving him the upper hand.

“You’re insufferable!” you said, laughing despite yourself as you tried again, this time jumping with more force. Still, you missed.

“Perhaps you should’ve been born taller,” he teased, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Or perhaps you should stop being such a—” Before you could finish, he lowered the fruit suddenly, pressing it into your hand.

“There,” he said, smirking. “Satisfied?”

You took a triumphant bite, your glare softening into a grin. “For now.”

Settling back down, you both shared the fruit in companionable silence, the earlier tension of the night dissipating in the quiet forest. Yet, as you sat side by side, something about the way his gaze lingered on you—or perhaps the warmth blooming in your chest—made you wonder if these late-night meetings were becoming something more.

And then, years later, he left for war. Choso left for the battlefield, summoned to serve alongside his father as the general’s son. 

The morning he departed was etched into your memory with painful clarity. The air was crisp, the kind that stung your lungs when you breathed too deeply, and the courtyard was alive with the sounds of preparation. Soldiers moved with purpose, their boots striking against the cobblestones in rhythmic determination. Horses snorted and pawed at the ground, their breaths rising like smoke in the cold air.

You stood at the edge of it all, your hands clasped tightly in front of you, trying to keep your expression composed. This was no place for a princess to display her feelings, no matter how tightly they knotted in her chest. Your father was nearby, speaking with the general in low, serious tones, his gaze sweeping over the troops with pride. Your mother was absent, as always, too preoccupied with courtly matters to concern herself with the departure of soldiers—even one who had once been your constant companion.

When Choso emerged from the crowd, his figure clad in the red, utilitarian uniform of a soldier, it was as though the rest of the scene blurred. The boy who had once darted through the gardens with you, his hair wild and his hands dirtied by mischief, now looked every inch the man his father had raised him to be. His hair was tied back, his face set in an unreadable mask of calm, and he carried himself with a solemnity that felt foreign.

He always did make you feel like a child. While you were still delaying acceptance of your fate as the princes—future queen—-he had grown into a man, fated to be a war general. 

He approached slowly, each step deliberate. When he stopped before you, he did not smile. Instead, he bowed low, his dark eyes briefly meeting yours. “Your Highness—”

But you had enough of that godforsaken title. “Why must you leave?” You cried, your voice breaking as Choso stood before you in the courtyard.

The image of the steeled soldier crumbled as his eyes softened in fondness and melancholy. “You know I must.”

You shook your head fervently, as if to vehemently deny what was undeniably the truth. “You know that’s not true.” And it wasn’t, for it would only take an imperial command of yours to bar him from ever entering the battlefield.

But it was his dream; you saw the way he looked at his father. To deny Choso the sword and the glory he was destined for was to chain him down, and you knew that. So instead, you shook off the idea, then blurted, “You’ll write to me, won’t you?”

The question hung in the air between you, heavy with expectation. He hesitated, a flicker of something—guilt, perhaps—crossing his face before it smoothed back into neutrality. “If time allows.”

That was all he offered. No promises. No reassurances. Just a vague, distant answer that left your heart sinking.

Outraged, and a bit petulant, you exclaimed. “What do you mean if time allows? Will you be so busy that you won’t have time? Are you not at least going to grant me some peace of mi—what is that?”

In the corner of your eye, you see something in his hand catch the sunlight, and glimmer. He hesitates, his hand clenching before inevitably opening his palm. A timid, “For you, Your Highness.”

An instinctual don’t call me that dies out in your throat as he shows you what he was hiding. In it he uncovers a small, delicate object—a pin shaped like a blooming flower, its petals carved with meticulous detail and painted in hues of white and gold.

You stared at it, your hands trembling as you took it from him. “What is this for?”

“It’s a symbol,” he explained, his voice quieter now, almost hesitant. “Of where I’ll always be, even if I’m not here. Keep it with you, and you’ll know that... that I’ll do everything I can to return.”

“Oh, Choso.” Your bottom lip trembled as tears welled in your eyes, threatening to spill over. Your fingers closed around the pin, the intricate craftsmanship biting into your palm. Somehow, the weight of it felt heavier than it should’ve been. “I don’t want a pin, Choso,” you whispered, voice cracking. “I want you to stay.”

His expression softened, and for a moment, it seemed like he might reach out to you. But then he stilled, the rigidity in his posture a clear reminder of the boundaries he refused to cross.

Even so, you didn’t want to seem ungrateful. The gift, despite your pain, was beautiful, and its meaning wasn’t lost on you. You sniffled, brushing a tear from your cheek with a trembling hand. “But it is beautiful, regardless,” you murmured, holding it up to the light. The golden edges of the petals gleamed softly, like sunlight captured in metal. “Put it in my hair?”

Choso blinked, caught off guard by the request. His gaze flickered between you and the pin, uncertainty etched into his features. “Your Highness, I—”

“Please,” you interrupted gently, tilting your head slightly toward him. “Just this once.”

He hesitated for a long moment, his fingers flexing at his sides as though he were battling some internal conflict. Finally, with a barely audible sigh, he reached out and took the pin from your hand.

You held your breath as he stepped closer, his presence steady and grounding despite the whirlwind of emotions inside you. His hand brushed against your hair and your neck as he carefully gathered a small section, his touch warm and deliberate. You could feel the calluses on his fingertips, earned from countless hours of swordsmanship, yet his movements were painstakingly gentle.

“There,” he said softly, stepping back to examine his work. His gaze lingered on you, and for the first time in what felt like forever, his formal mask cracked ever so slightly. There was something in his eyes—something raw and unspoken—that made your chest tighten.

You reached up instinctively, your fingers brushing against the cool metal of the pin now nestled securely in your hair. “How does it look?” you asked, trying to keep your voice light, though the lump in your throat made it difficult.

Choso’s lips parted, but no words came. He swallowed hard, his gaze darting away as if he couldn’t bear to look at you any longer. “It’s beautiful,” he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper.

The horn sounded again, louder this time, breaking the fragile moment between you. Choso stepped back, the walls of propriety rising between you once more.

“Thank you,” you managed, your voice steady despite the ache in your chest.

He bowed deeply, avoiding your eyes. “Goodbye, Your Highness.”

And then he was gone, leaving you alone with the faint scent of earth and steel, the pin in your hair a bittersweet reminder of the distance that now separated you.

For weeks after, you found yourself restless, wandering the garden paths where you had once talked and laughed together. You scribbled letter after letter, pouring out questions and updates, recounting bits of palace gossip and even sending sketches of the places you’d been. But no reply ever came.

At first, you tried to excuse it—surely, he was too busy, too occupied with the rigors of war to respond. Still, you kept writing, sending your letters to the front lines with the faint hope that one day, you’d receive one in return.

“Any news of the general’s son?” you would ask your father over dinner, feigning casual interest.

“He’s doing well,” your father would reply, distractedly cutting into his meal. “His tactics in the northern campaign have earned him commendation. A fine young soldier.”

You pressed further, ignoring the disapproving look your mother shot you. “And... is he safe?”

Your father raised a brow but indulged you. “Of course. The reports say he’s advancing quickly through the ranks. A promotion to captain is already under consideration.”

Your chest swelled with pride at the thought, but it was quickly eclipsed by frustration. If he was receiving such accolades, surely he could find the time to write a simple letter?

“Why do you trouble your father with such questions?” your mother chided later, her tone clipped. “The general’s son is serving the nation. You should focus on more important matters, like preparing for your duties.”

But your concern for Choso only grew. Whenever news from the front lines arrived, you would listen intently, hoping to hear his name mentioned. When you did, it brought a fleeting sense of relief, but it never lasted long.

The silence from him felt heavier with each passing month. You couldn’t understand it—how could someone who had once been your closest companion, who had sworn to always protect you, sever that bond so easily?

And yet, you never stopped writing. Each letter was folded with care, sealed with your personal wax stamp, and sent off with the same unwavering hope. Even if he didn’t reply, even if you didn’t understand why, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop.

The city was alive with celebration, a symphony of cheers, music, and the occasional crackle of fireworks that lit up the night sky. The soldiers had finally come home after a long winded war, and you just couldn’t miss out on the excitement. After Choso’s departure, you had grown. Before you were a gangly teenager, but now you were a young woman. With this came you forming your own opinion, independent of our parents, and had developed a habit of frequently sneaking out of the palace.

You couldn’t bear to stay confined to the palace, not when the air was thick with excitement and the news of the army’s triumphant return had set the entire city alight. The soldiers, clad in polished armor that gleamed even in the dim light, strode through the streets in small groups while the people cheered on the sidelines. They carried themselves with the confidence of men who had seen battle and emerged victorious.

Young ladies lingered at the edges of the crowd, their eyes alight with hope as they watched the soldiers pass. Some called out to them, their voices playful and lilting, while others merely smiled shyly, clutching kerchiefs or flowers they clearly longed to offer. The soldiers, for the most part, maintained a stoic demeanor, though a few exchanged grins or nodded in acknowledgment, their faces betraying a mix of pride and exhaustion.

Children darted between legs, waving tiny flags and shouting in delight, while their parents looked on with a mix of relief and gratitude. The scent of roasted chestnuts and spiced wine wafted through the air, mingling with the faint metallic tang of the soldiers’ armor. It was a night of unity, of celebration, where the lines between commoner and noble blurred in the shared joy of victory.

Draped in a simple cloak to conceal your identity, you slipped past the guards at the palace gates, your heart pounding with both exhilaration and trepidation. The anonymity of the cloak felt liberating as you merged with the crowd, the world suddenly vast and unguarded in a way it never was within the palace walls.

Laughter surrounded you, the contagious energy of the revelry lifting your spirits as you wandered farther from the familiar confines of royal life. You paused to admire a street performer juggling flaming torches, your cloak billowing slightly in the breeze. But before you could move on, a sudden gust snatched the handkerchief tucked into your cloak.

You gasped, your fingers grasping for it, but the delicate fabric was already airborne, dancing above the heads of the crowd. You watched helplessly as it soared higher, carried by the playful wind. Instinctively, you gave chase, weaving through the throng of revelers as your heart raced with the thrill of pursuit.

The handkerchief drifted out of sight, disappearing beyond the swell of people. Your steps faltered, and you stood on tiptoe, scanning the crowd in vain. It was only then that a firm hand shot up above the sea of heads, catching the fluttering fabric mid-air. The sight of your handkerchief, caught in a strong, gloved grip, sent a jolt through you.

Your gaze traveled upward, and there he stood—a figure that was at once familiar and startlingly different. His broad shoulders and proud stance were unmistakable even before he turned, his dark eyes locking with yours.

“Your Highness?” His voice was deep, steady, and entirely too familiar. Then, his eyes went to your hair—you, still wearing the hairpin he gave you that day—and they filled with a conflicted, longing sort of expression.

Your breath hitched, and for a moment, you froze. He looked so much…bigger. He always had muscles due to his frequent physical lessons, but he was so much taller now, his face a lot more sculpted. Before you could interpret what the lurching in your heart meant, he took a step towards you. But before he could take another step toward you, you turned and ran instinctively, the sound of his voice chasing you as surely as his footsteps.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK! If Choso knew you had sneaked out, he would send you right back, citing useless things about duty and protecting you. While your traitorous heart started beating faster as soon as you saw him—different, but still undeniably Choso—you knew your liberty was at an end if he sent you home and informed your parents of what you did.

You bolted as fast as you could, your cloak billowing behind you as you darted into a narrow alley. Footsteps echoed against the cobblestones, heavy and deliberate, chasing you down. You reached the end of the alley and stopped, your chest heaving, unsure whether to keep running or face him.

“Your Highness,” the voice came again, closer this time.

You spun around, and there he was. Choso. But he wasn’t the boy you remembered—he was a man now. Broad shoulders filled out his uniform, the insignia of his rank glinting on his chest. His hair was tied back, revealing a face hardened by battle and time. Yet his eyes, dark and intense, still held the same quiet depth you’d known as children.

He dropped to one knee, his hand over his heart. “Your Highness.”

You gaped at his display. Since when did he start kneeling? “What are you doing?”

His voice came out, devoid of the warmth you had once known. “It’s protocol, Your Highness.” His head remained bowed, his knee pressed to the uneven cobblestones, the hand holding your handkerchief resting against his heart.

But you were in denial, scrambling to pull him up by his arms. It was futile; he was way stronger than you, and at your touch, he jumped back, as if stung. Wounded, you urged him. “Get up,” you stepped closer, “Choso, it’s me. You don’t need to—”

“I must, Your Highness.” His tone was calm but resolute, his gaze fixed on the ground. “Unless you are issuing an imperial command, I have no choice but to honor the rules set forth by your station.”

You stared at him, your chest tightening. “An imperial command?” The words tasted bitter on your tongue. You didn’t want commands; you wanted familiarity, the easy camaraderie you once shared.

“Yes, Your Highness.” He finally lifted his gaze to meet yours, his dark eyes steady and unreadable. “If you do not wish me to kneel, then say it as such. Otherwise…” He lowered his head again. “This is my place.”

“Your place?” You felt a flicker of anger rise in your chest. “Choso, your place is by my side, as it always has been! Don’t—don’t treat me like some distant monarch.”

His shoulders tensed, and you thought you caught a flash of something—guilt, perhaps?—in the way his fingers tightened around the handkerchief. But still, he didn’t move.

Frustrated, you stepped even closer, your voice rising despite your efforts to remain calm. “Get up,” you said, reaching out and tugging at his arm. “I said, get up!”

“I cannot,” he said softly, the words cutting through your frustration like a blade. “Not unless you order it as my superior.”

You stared at him, a mix of hurt and disbelief swirling in your chest. “Fine,” you said, your voice trembling. “If that’s what it takes, then I command you—get up, Choso. I command you to stand!”

For a moment, the tension lingered in the air, thick and suffocating. Slowly, reluctantly, he rose to his feet, towering over you with a presence that felt both familiar and foreign.

But as you looked up at him, your frustration only grew. “This isn’t you,” you said, your voice softer now, tinged with sadness. “You’re treating me like I’m just your princess, like I’m someone you barely know. Do you even know how much it hurt when you never wrote back to me? I kept sending letter after letter, but it was like you didn’t care. Like you forgot about me.”

Choso’s jaw tightened, his eyes flickering with something unreadable. “It wasn’t my place to respond, Your Highness.”

It was that damn phrase. “Your place?” you echoed, now even more bitterly. “You were my friend, Choso. My closest friend. Now you stand here, calling me Your Highness like I’m a stranger, like we never ran through the gardens or talked under the stars. I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

For a moment, his expression softened, but it was fleeting. He straightened, his demeanor distant once more. “It’s dangerous for you to be here,” he said quietly. “I need to call for a carriage to take you back to the palace.”

Your heart sunk to your derriere. If Choso did indeed send you back, your parents would undeniably discover that you’ve been sneaking out. “No!” you snapped, stepping forward. “You can’t. If my parents find out I was here, they’ll—”

“They’ll ensure your safety,” he interrupted, his voice steady but firm. “And that’s what matters.”

You stared at him, now anger bubbling in your chest. “So you’ll just hand me over like I’m some burden to be dealt with? What about you?” Then, in a strong fit, you bursted out. “Are you going to stay here and fool around with girls while I’m locked away in the palace?”

His eyes widened briefly at your accusation, a flicker of surprise breaking through his stoic mask. But then his expression hardened, and he took a step back. “That’s not fair,” he said quietly.

“Fair?” you shot back, your voice trembling. “What’s fair about any of this, Choso? You’re not even trying to fight for us—for the friendship we used to have.”

He hesitated, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “It’s not that simple,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Then make it simple!” you demanded, your heart aching with every word. “Stop pushing me away. Stop acting like I don’t matter to you anymore.”

For a moment, you thought he might say something—something real, something that would bridge the growing chasm between you. But instead, he turned away, his voice steady and distant as he said, “Wait here. I’ll call for the carriage.”

You watched him walk away, the ache in your chest spreading until it felt like it would consume you entirely. The handkerchief in your hand trembled as you clenched your fingers around it, your anger and sadness swirling into a storm of emotion.

And yet, even as he disappeared into the bustling streets, a part of you refused to believe this was the end. You couldn’t let it be.

Ever since his return to the palace, Choso has been ignoring you.

It’s not that you were spending every hour and every minute with him before, when he was just your childhood friend. However, you would meet everyday, whether it to be sneak off into the gardens at night, or meet for lunch or dinner. Even a request of yours could’ve secured a visit to town, the both of you going to town to eat pastries and street food while accompanied by a chaperone. Of course, that was due to your incessant pleas to your disapproving mother, but you could score an occasional playdate outside the palace every month or so.

But it feels…different. And he feels different.

You oft find yourself daydreaming about him, older and a decorated soldier. And before you can catch yourself, you find your cheeks heated and your heart set aflutter. It’s a bit mind-boggling, really. Ever since Choso left, none of the future dukes and lords had ever caught your attention, even at balls. Their gentle, weak disposition didn’t compare to your Choso, you always thought. Back then, you had always thought of it as pride for your best friend, but now…..

Musing aside, you’re tired of this distance Choso has created between you. So you choose to seek him out.

The castle courtyard was alive with the sharp clang of swords and the rhythmic stomp of boots on hard-packed dirt. You leaned over the balustrade of the upper terrace, concealed behind a stone pillar, watching the soldiers below. It wasn’t the sparring or the strategy that captivated you—it was Choso.

The sun bore down on him as he moved with precision and power, his blade a silver blur as he sparred with one of the veteran knights. His whole torso is bare; damp with sweat, the sun shines against the cords and cords of muscle that then lead to a string of hair that trails into his trousers. The muscles in his arms ripple with every swing and parry. You bite your lip, feeling a warmth creep up your cheeks that you stubbornly attributed to the summer heat.

He had changed so much. Gone was the boy who had laughed with you under the willow tree and run with you through the gardens. In his place was a man who carried the weight of war on his broad shoulders, his every movement deliberate, his expression unreadable. And yet, despite the distance he put between you, you couldn’t tear your eyes away.

When the sparring session ended, Choso handed his sword to a squire and wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. You straightened as he turned, half-expecting him to glance up and spot you. But he didn’t. Instead, he spoke briefly to the knight, his gaze fixed firmly on the ground.

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself. You couldn’t keep hiding and watching from afar. You had to speak to him, to demand answers for why he had been avoiding you since the day in the alley.

Quickly, you made your way down to the courtyard, your pulse racing as you rehearsed what you would say. But when you reached the training grounds, Choso was already heading toward the barracks.

“Choso!” you called out, your voice echoing across the courtyard.

He froze mid-step, his shoulders tensing before he turned slowly to face you. His expression was neutral, guarded, but there was a flicker of something in his eyes—something he quickly masked.

“Your Highness,” he said, bowing his head. “What brings you here?”

You frowned, frustrated by the formality in his tone. “I wanted to speak with you,” you said, stepping closer. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

He shook his head, his dark hair falling into his eyes. “I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been busy with training and my duties.”

“That’s a lie,” you said, crossing your arms. “You always find a reason to leave whenever I try to approach you. You didn’t even look at me after the alley—”

“Your Highness,” he interrupted, his voice firm but not unkind. “You shouldn’t be here. It’s not proper for you to be seen in the training grounds.”

“Proper?” you repeated, anger flaring in your chest. “Since when do you care about what’s proper? You didn’t care when we were sneaking out or when we were running through the gardens—”

“That was different,” he said, his tone softer now. “We were children. Things aren’t the same anymore.”

“Why not?” you demanded, your voice trembling. “Why are you pushing me away?”

He hesitated, his gaze flickering to the soldiers milling about in the distance. “I’m not pushing you away,” he said finally. “I’m doing what’s best for you.”

“What’s best for me?” You laughed bitterly, shaking your head. “How can ignoring me and avoiding me be what’s best for me?”

Choso didn’t answer. Instead, he bowed his head again, his hands clenched at his sides. “Forgive me, Your Highness. I need to return to my duties.”

And before you could stop him, he turned and walked away, leaving you standing in the middle of the courtyard, your heart aching with every step he took.

You paced the length of your chambers, clutching the skirts of your dress. It’s been two times that Choso dismissed since his arrival. Did he abhor you so?

It was as if an invisible wall had been erected between you, the builder of it Choso for some mysterious reason. Proprietary aside, it would be okay for the occasional chat, would it not? After all, he was still a noble in his own regard, and a conversation or two wouldn’t be frowned upon. So why was he ignoring you entirely?

You couldn’t take it anymore. If he wouldn’t come to you, then you would ensure he had no choice but to stay by your side. If he truly detests it, you will let him go, no matter how painful it would be and how ardently you would mourn your friendship. But you needed to know.

Resolved, you marched to your parents’ audience chamber, where they were seated in quiet discussion. Your father looked up first, his brows furrowing slightly at your abrupt entrance. “What is it, my dear? You seem troubled.”

Your mother glanced at you as well, seated right next to the king, her sharp gaze assessing. “Has something happened?”

You straightened your shoulders, facing them both, willing your voice to remain steady. “Father, Mother, I have a request.”

Your father tilted his head, curious. “Go on.”

You hesitated for only a moment before speaking. “I would like Choso to be assigned as my personal guard.”

The queen blinked, her lips pressing into a thin line, and questioned, “Choso?”

“Yes,” you said quickly to prevent your mother from getting a word in. “He’s proven himself in battle, hasn’t he? He’s been promoted several times for his skill and loyalty. Who better to protect me?”

Your father leaned back in his chair, stroking his beard thoughtfully. “It’s true he’s risen quickly through the ranks. He’s a fine soldier.”

“And he’s someone I trust,” you added, stepping closer. “He’s been by my side since we were children. I feel safer with him than with anyone else. With me growing into adulthood, there would be no one better to be by my side.”

Your mother’s gaze sharpened. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with his recent return to the palace, would it?”

You met her eyes, refusing to back down. “It has everything to do with the fact that I need someone I can rely on. Someone who knows me.”

Your father exchanged a look with your mother, his expression unreadable. Finally, he nodded. “Very well. I will speak to the general about the arrangement.” Then, a little wryly, he adds, “Although, I did hear that it was him that reported you when you were sneaking out in public. Perhaps it would be a fine match.” At that, your mother visibly bristled at the memory of hearing that you were out, unguarded.

At the king’s words, relief washed over you, but it was quickly tempered by your mother’s stern voice. “This is highly unusual, you know. A princess requesting a specific guard. People will talk.”

Inwardly, you rolled your eyes, but showing sass to your mother would mean that she would argue further.  Instead, you went and showed her your pride. “Let them,” you said, lifting your chin. “I don’t care what they say.”

Your father chuckled softly, knowing you would say something of the sort. “Spoken like a true princess.”

“Thank you,” you said, bowing your head. “Both of you, Father and Mother.”

As you left the chamber, your heart raced with a mix of excitement and nervousness. This was your chance—your chance to bring Choso back into your life. Whatever walls he had built between you, you were determined to tear them down.

The water was warm, steam curling gently around you as you leaned back in the large marble tub. The golden light of the setting sun streamed through the stained-glass windows, casting vibrant patterns across the tiled floor. It was one of the few moments you had to yourself, free from the watchful eyes of attendants and the endless constraints of royal duty. You closed your eyes, sinking deeper into the water, allowing yourself to relax—until the door to your bathing chamber slammed open.

“Your Highness, why did you—” At first, Choso raised his voice slightly, storming in. Then, he stopped right in his tracks as he noticed you, and your face, your neck and then the rest of your body engorged in soapy, steamy water. Blushing furiously, he turned, scrambling for the door. “My apologies, I didn’t mean to—”

He was rigid as he stormed toward the exit, and you couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at the sight. “Choso, wait,” you called, your voice laced with amusement. He stopped abruptly, halting awkwardly in his tracks. “While I appreciate your enthusiasm for your new title,” you teased, “I’d prefer if you didn’t barge into the bathing chamber. Let us count ourselves lucky that you had not seen… more.”

It was nearly impossible not to laugh now. Even the back of his neck was flushed a deep crimson, and it struck you as absurdly endearing. The aloof and stoic soldier who had spent weeks ignoring you had crumbled into a shy boy at the mere sight of you in a tub. You supposed it made sense—he’d likely not had much interaction with women, what with his rigid dedication to the army. Still, his reaction felt... exaggerated.

Choso let out a shaky exhale, his voice strained when he finally spoke. “I apologize,” he said, his tone clipped as though to mask his discomfort. “But I must ask—why did you instate me as your guard?”

The answer was simple, and you played absentmindedly with a soap bubble as you replied, “Because there is no one I trust more than you.”

For a moment, the room was silent save for the faint dripping of water. Then, Choso spoke, his voice low and almost pained. “Why must you do this to me? Why must you torment me so?”

What?

His words pierced through the lighthearted atmosphere, leaving you stunned. A pang of hurt welled in your chest at the sharpness of his tone. “Does it torment you to be in my company?” you asked, laughing scornfully to hide the sting.

When he didn’t answer, the silence was louder than any words could have been.

“If it torments you,” you continued bitterly, “then so be it. You have already had my one liberty stripped away. Mother and Father have doubled the surveillance on me, all thanks to you.” The memory of your recent restrictions only added fuel to the fire of your frustration. “Is this not fair? An eye for an eye, then. Perhaps your torment will teach you to stop pretending you know what’s best for me.”

Still brimming with anger, you lifted your chin and gestured to the door. “You may leave now.”

For a moment, he stood there, the weight of his presence filling the room. Then, with a stiff nod, he turned to the door. “Your Highness,” he murmured, his voice cold and formal.

And then, he was gone.

You really do abhor dinner parties.

There’s much wrong with them, and if you had to, you could do a systematic rundown of every single grievance. The first and foremost was the absurd inability to properly enjoy the food. The chefs’ hard work deserved to be indulged in, not nibbled delicately with those ridiculous little spoons. And then there was the matter of breathing, which you could barely manage with your waist cinched so tightly and your bodice forcing your chest up like some cruel display. Sitting down practically demanded you forgo the simple luxury of air.

But the worst part? Having to entertain men.

“And I have acquired double the profits of Lord Gojo,” Lord Naoya declared, puffing his chest like a rooster preening in the henhouse. His voice boomed with self-importance, his words spilling out in a showy, rehearsed cadence.

You couldn’t help yourself—you smiled. And while it appeared to him as admiration, it was born of pure amusement. The man clearly thought you were too dim to know better, but you were well-versed in state finances. Lord Naoya’s exaggerated claims were as transparent as glass.

On your right, Choso sat silently, his role as your personal guard justifying his unusually close position. He had been quiet all evening, his eyes scanning the room more than his plate.

“And surely, a woman as lovely as yourself would agree that business acumen is the truest mark of a man’s value,” Naoya continued, leaning closer to you with a smirk you found utterly punchable.

You giggled, not at his words, but at the sheer absurdity of them. You bit your lip to stifle a laugh, but your amusement couldn’t be fully hidden.

When you finally turned to glance at Choso, however, your mirth faltered. He wasn’t looking at Naoya anymore—his dark eyes were locked on you, his brows furrowed, lips pressed into a thin, disapproving line.

He looked very upset.

You blinked, confused, before glancing back at Naoya, who was still prattling on, utterly oblivious. Was Choso… angry at you?

It didn’t make sense. After you had initiated him as your guard, he’d been resigned after that confrontation in your bathing chambers. Ever since, you’d seen him stoic, protective, and even exasperated, but this—this was different. The weight of his gaze lingered on you like a reprimand, and it unsettled you in ways you couldn’t quite explain.

“Your Highness, I trust you’d agree,” Naoya pressed, oblivious to the charged air.

“Agree?” you echoed, snapping back to attention. You hadn’t been listening, too distracted by Choso’s silent brooding. “Oh, of course,” you said vaguely, waving your hand with a polite smile. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Naoya looked pleased with himself, but you barely noticed. Your focus shifted back to Choso, who had turned his head forward, his jaw tight. You leaned closer to him, lowering your voice so only he could hear. “Is something the matter?”

He didn’t look at you, his tone curt. “Nothing, Your Highness.”

Your stomach twisted at the formality. The night had already been exhausting enough, and now Choso was acting like you’d personally offended him.

“Choso,” you pressed, your voice softer now, “if I’ve done something to upset you—”

“It’s not my place to say,” he interrupted, finally looking at you. His gaze was sharp, cutting through your defenses. “But if I may offer counsel, I’d suggest not wasting your smiles on men like him.”

You blinked, taken aback. His words weren’t loud, but they struck with the force of a hammer.

“What does that mean?” you whispered, your amusement long gone, replaced by confusion—and something else you couldn’t quite name.

“It means,” Choso said, his voice low, “that he’s not worth it.”

His words hung in the air between you, heavy with implication.

Before you could respond, the clinking of glasses drew everyone’s attention, and you were forced to look away as a toast was made. But even as the room filled with polite applause and laughter, your thoughts were consumed by Choso’s quiet but pointed remarks.

When you glanced back at him, his focus was elsewhere, his expression carefully neutral. Yet something about the tension in his shoulders told you that the conversation wasn’t over—not really.

And for the rest of the evening, Naoya’s words became nothing more than background noise, drowned out by the quiet storm brewing in Choso’s eyes.

The air in your chambers was warm, the faint crackle of the fireplace soothing you as your maid finished tugging the laces of your nightgown into place. The fabric was delicate, thin enough to feel the cool evening breeze against your skin despite the room's warmth. With a bow, the maid excused herself, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Ever since that dinner party with Naoya, Choso had been more distant than ever. Before, it had seemed that he had warmed up to the task of being your guard; whenever you walked through the garden, you eventually warmed him enough that the both of you could converse during the stroll. Of course, it hadn’t returned to what it was like before, but it was still progress. However, now it seemed that all he had to offer was curt responses and avoidant stares. 

The change grated on you, more than you cared to admit. You weren’t naïve; you knew something had shifted that night. The way he had looked at you, the way his words had cut—it all lingered, a splinter in your chest that you couldn’t pull free.

Still, tonight was meant to be routine, a brief reprieve from the emotional turmoil. You always ended your evenings with a massage, a small luxury that helped soothe the tension from the day. Summoning Choso to your chambers, you intended for him to call for the maid who usually performed the task.

When he arrived, his expression was as stony as ever. “You called for me, Your Highness?”

“Yes, Choso,” you said, smoothing your hands over the hem of your nightgown. You lazed back on your chaise lounge, head against pillow as you looked at him. “I need the maid for my massage. Could you fetch her?”

He hesitated. “The maids have retired for the night. Shall I summon someone from the servants’ quarters?”

You frowned. The thought of disturbing anyone at this hour felt excessive. Then, your gaze drifted to Choso, his broad shoulders rigid, his hands clasped behind his back in his usual formal stance. An idea struck you, and you spoke before fully thinking it through.

“Then you’ll do it.”

His dark eyes snapped to yours, wide with disbelief. “Your Highness, I—”

You tilted your head, feigning innocence but unable to fully hide the mischief in your smile. “Oh, come now, Choso. You’re stronger than any maid. Surely, your hands would be better suited for the task.”

For a moment, he simply stared at you as though you’d just declared the sky was green. His lips parted, but no words came out, his gaze darting nervously around the room before settling back on you. “I don’t think that’s… appropriate,” he said carefully, his voice low and strained.

You leaned back slightly, arching a brow. “And why not? It’s just a massage. Surely, as my personal guard, it’s your duty to ensure my comfort, no?”

“Your Highness—”

“Choso,” you interrupted, your tone softening as you leaned forward slightly, letting your hair cascade over one shoulder. “You’ve sworn an oath to protect me. Are you really going to deny me such a simple request? Besides,” you added with a teasing smile, “I trust you. Who better to take care of me?”

His jaw tightened, and he looked away, his shoulders visibly tensing. It was rare to see him so uncharacteristically flustered, and you found it almost endearing. Still, you could see the war waging behind his eyes—the struggle between his rigid sense of propriety and his inability to deny you.

“Choso,” you said again, gentler this time, “it’s just us here. No one else needs to know. Please?”

The word seemed to undo him. After a long, weighted pause, he exhaled sharply, his hands clenching at his sides before he gave a stiff nod. “As you wish, Your Highness.”

You smiled in satisfaction and shifted, lying down on the chaise lounge with your head resting on your folded arms. The thin fabric of your nightgown clung to your back and shoulders, leaving little to the imagination, but you paid it no mind. Choso, however, hesitated, his gaze flickering over you before he finally moved to kneel beside you, his movements almost painfully hesitant.

You settled onto the chaise lounge, lying on your stomach and pulling your hair over one shoulder to expose the curve of your neck. The thin fabric of your nightgown clung to your body, leaving little to the imagination, but you paid no mind to it. Choso, however, lingered for a moment longer than necessary, his dark eyes flickering over the exposed skin before quickly darting away.

The tension in the room was palpable, and though you couldn’t see his face, you could feel his hesitation. The silence stretched, heavy and awkward, until finally, he knelt beside you, his movements stiff and deliberate. His hands hovered just above your shoulders for a moment, as if he were debating whether to go through with it, before he finally made contact.

The first press of his palms was firm, his calloused hands warm against your skin. He worked in silence, but his touch was tentative, almost reluctant, as though every movement was a battle against himself. His fingers found the knots in your shoulders, but his grip tightened slightly as you let out a soft sigh of relief.

“You’re good at this,” you murmured, your voice languid. “I should’ve asked you sooner.”

Choso didn’t respond, but his hands stilled for the briefest moment, his jaw tightening. He resumed a beat later, his touch growing more confident as his fingers moved lower, kneading along the length of your spine. Yet, there was something almost possessive in the way he worked, his hands lingering at the curve of your back, brushing the edges of your nightgown with an intimacy that felt deliberate, even if unspoken.

Heat pooled in your belly, but the mood shifted when Choso spoke, his voice low and edged with something that made your breath catch.

“Do you let all your guards do this to you?”

Your eyes snapped open, the sharpness of his tone cutting through the haze. You turned your head to look at him, frowning. “What?”

He straightened, pulling his hands away, anger visible on his face. “Do you let all your guards touch you like this, or am I just the special fool?”

The accusation in his voice stung. You sat up on the chaise lounge, clutching the fabric of your nightgown to your chest. “What are you implying?”

“I’m implying,” he said, his eyes dark and filled with something unnameable, “that you smiled at Naoya like he was the only man in the room. That you entertained his nonsense—his lies—like you actually enjoyed it.”

A sharp laugh escaped you, incredulous and hurt. “You think I was flirting with Naoya? That I would ever entertain a fool like him?”

“You did tonight,” Choso shot back, his jaw clenched tightly. “You smiled and laughed at him, as if he deserved it. As if you weren’t above him. The you I knew wouldn’t have entertained someone like Naoya for a second. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

That cut deeper than it should have. Your breath hitched, and frustration welled in your chest, bursting free before you could stop it.

“You don’t know me anymore?” you echoed, your voice trembling with emotion. “Well, Choso, I don’t know you either! You’re the one who left me without a word. You’re the one who never answered my letters, who pushed me away for no reason. You didn’t answer them for years, Choso. For years! How can you stand there and talk about me changing when you’ve done everything you could to shut me out?”

He flinched, as if your words struck a nerve. His gaze fell to the floor, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “I didn’t answer because I thought it was better that way,” he said quietly. “Because I knew… whatever this was—whatever we were—it couldn’t last. I didn’t want to make it harder for you.”

Your heart cracked at his words, tears threatening to spill over. “You didn’t want to make it harder for me?” you repeated, your voice rising. “You made it unbearable, Choso! You didn’t just leave me, you abandoned me. Without explanation, without closure. You were my friend, my closest ally, and you just… disappeared!”

“I was avoiding the inevitable,” he said, his tone low and bitter. “I was saving us both from something that could never be.”

“And why not?” you demanded, stepping closer. “Why couldn’t we have stayed friends? Why couldn’t you have stayed as someone I trusted, someone I could rely on?”

Choso let out a harsh, incredulous laugh, his head bowing as his hands rose to rub at his temples. When he looked back at you, his eyes burned with an intensity that sent a shiver down your spine.

“You think I just want to be your ally?” Choso’s voice cracked, his tone harsh and trembling, a storm barely contained within him. He stepped closer, his shadow stretching toward you in the dim light. His dark eyes blazed, raw and unguarded, piercing straight through you.

“Do you think I want to spend the rest of my life standing at your side, pretending it doesn’t destroy me every time you smile at another man?” he continued, his voice rising with emotion. “Do you think I want to be some nameless figure in your life, someone who exists only to bow, to nod, to follow orders while the rest of the world gets to bask in your warmth?”

Your breath hitched as he took another step, the space between you shrinking.

“I don’t want to be your ally, your friend, or some loyal servant,” he said, his voice dropping to a rough whisper. “I want you. I have always wanted you.”

His confession struck you like lightning, setting every nerve ablaze. You could see the anguish etched into his features, the way his hands shook as if he was struggling to hold himself back.

“I want to touch you without wondering if it’s inappropriate,” he went on, his words tumbling out, unrestrained. “I want to kiss you without the weight of the crown between us. I want to wake up beside you every morning, knowing you’re mine—truly mine—and not just some unattainable dream I’ve been foolish enough to carry.”

“Choso…” you whispered, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t.

“I want to tear apart every damned rule, every line drawn between us,” he continued, his voice thick with frustration and desire. “I want the world to see that you’re mine—not Naoya’s, not some prince’s, not anyone else’s. Mine.”

He let out a bitter laugh, running a hand through his hair, his composure unraveling further. “But that’s not what the world allows, is it?” he said, his tone laced with venom. “Because I’m not a prince or a duke or anyone worthy of you. I’m just a man—a soldier. And the world says I can’t have you.”

His chest heaved with the force of his confession, and his eyes—God, his eyes—burned with a pain so deep it was almost unbearable to witness.

You swallowed hard, your heart pounding as his words sank in. “You could have had me,” you said, your voice trembling, tears stinging your eyes. “If you’d just stayed, if you’d let me in instead of shutting me out. We could have figured this out together, Choso. I would have fought for you.”

His expression faltered, a flicker of vulnerability breaking through his anger. “And what would you have me do?” he asked hoarsely. “Stand beside you while everyone whispers that I’m unworthy? Watch as suitors line up for your hand, knowing I can’t stop them because it’s my duty to protect you, not love you?”

“I don’t care what the world says!” you burst out, stepping closer, your voice rising with desperation. “I don’t care about duty or station or rules. All I ever wanted was you, Choso. You, as my friend, my ally, my—”

“Your what?” he interrupted, his voice low and rough. “Say it. Say what I’ve been longing to hear and dreading all at once.”

Your breath hitched, tears streaming down your face as you met his gaze. “My everything,” you whispered.

For a moment, the tension between you hung thick and electric, the weight of years of unspoken words pressing down on you both. Then Choso stepped back, his hands clenched into fists at his sides, his jaw tight.

“That’s why I stayed away,” he said quietly, his voice breaking. “Because I knew if I didn’t, I’d lose myself in you completely. And I wouldn’t be able to let you go. This is why I must stay away.” 

For a moment, he lingered there, his hand flexing at his side as if fighting some invisible force. His gaze dropped, and when he finally turned away, it was slow, deliberate, each step a struggle. He didn’t look back as he crossed the threshold, the heavy sound of the door closing behind him echoing in the silence.

The silence in your room was suffocating. Curtains drawn tightly, the dim flicker of a single candle cast wavering shadows on the stone walls. Plates of untouched food sat on a tray near the door, abandoned by the maids you had dismissed hours ago. The only sound was the faint rustle of your gown as you shifted on the edge of your bed, your arms wrapped around yourself as if trying to hold your broken pieces together.

A soft knock broke the stillness, tentative and almost hesitant. You didn’t answer. You didn’t want to see anyone, let alone speak. Whoever it was would surely leave if you didn’t respond.

But the door creaked open.

Your heart twisted. “I told you all to leave me be,” you said hoarsely, your voice barely louder than a whisper.

“I’m not one of your maids,” came a quiet reply from a voice that was all-too-familiar.

Your head snapped up, breath catching in your throat as Choso stepped into the room, closing the door softly behind him. His dark eyes, always so steady and unreadable, now held an uncharacteristic uncertainty.

“Get out,” you said, your tone sharper than you intended, though the hurt behind it was impossible to mask. “I have nothing to say to you.”

“I know,” he murmured, taking a hesitant step forward. He held something in his hands—a small stack of parchment, edges worn and yellowed. “But I have something to say to you.”

You frowned, your gaze darting to the papers he carried. “What is that?”

“Letters,” Choso said, his voice thick with emotion. He swallowed hard before continuing, “The ones I wrote to you but never sent.”

You stiffened, your heart lurching painfully in your chest. “Why are you showing me this now?”

“Because I should have given them to you a long time ago,” he said simply. “And because I need you to know… what I couldn’t say before. But what I feel I must say now, for I am done with pretending I am not a selfish, selfish man.”

He stepped closer, setting the letters on the bed beside you. For a moment, he hesitated, then knelt before you, his hands resting on his thighs as he looked up at you with a mixture of guilt and determination, as if he had made a decision. And you fight desperately to not yourself believe that, perhaps, he has changed his mind, that he will finally take you in the way you desire.

But you steel your heart as you cautiously look at him. 

“Read them,” he said quietly. “Please.”

Your fingers trembled as you reached for the stack, the paper cool and rough beneath your touch. The first letter was dated years ago, the ink slightly smudged, as if his hand had lingered too long on the words.

My dearest friend,

I’ve written and torn up this letter a dozen times. How do I explain the ache I feel every night I march under foreign stars? How do I explain that even on the battlefield, amidst the chaos, my mind drifts to you? I think of our secret meetings in the garden, the way you’d laugh as you dared me to meet you in the willow tree every night. Do you remember that night we barely escaped the guards? Your laughter, your gown splayed across the forest floor. I dream of those nights—of you leaning close to steal the fruit in my palm, staring up at me, the world disappearing, and wishing I could ask for more. For you close to me not under the pretense of stealing the pomegranate in my hand, but for something more.

Your voice broke as you read, tears pooling in your eyes. Choso remained silent, his head bowed, but you could see the tension in his shoulders, the way his hands curled into fists at his sides.

You moved to the next letter.

The scent of jasmine haunted me on the journey here. Every step of the way, I remembered you crouched beneath the trellis, daring me to pluck the flowers despite the gardener’s wrath. When I handed you the bouquet, your smile made me feel invincible, as though I could conquer kingdoms just to see it again. I wished then that I could have told you the truth—that every reckless moment we shared was a reprieve from the weight of duty. I wanted to kiss you in the moonlight, to tell you that you were more than a dream to me. I tried to, in part, with the hairpin I gave you, one that amplified your gentle beauty even more than I thought possible. But how could I ruin what little time we had?

“Choso,” you whispered, your voice trembling. “Why didn’t you send these?”

“I was a coward,” he admitted, his voice barely audible. “I thought… I thought it was kinder to stay away. To bury how I felt. But it wasn’t kinder, was it?”

You shook your head, unable to speak as you continued reading, each letter peeling away the walls you’d built to protect yourself from the pain of his absence.

When you reached the last letter, your breath hitched.

If I were braver, I’d tell you this to your face: I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time we ran barefoot through the gardens, laughing until we couldn’t breathe. I’ve loved you since you bandaged my hand after my sparring lessons, scolding me and treating me gently as if I weren’t a warrior, as if my rough, damaged hands were worth your care. I love you with a desperation that terrifies me, that kept me awake in camp as I replayed your smile over and over. If I lose you now, it will be my own doing. But still, I love you.

Your tears fell freely now, soaking the parchment. Choso rose slowly, his hands lifting as if to touch you but stopping just shy of your skin.

“Say something,” he pleaded, his voice raw.

Instead, you surged forward, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him down to meet you. Your lips found his in a kiss that was fierce and unrestrained, pouring every ounce of longing, anger, and love into the connection.

Choso froze for a heartbeat before melting into you. The kiss deepened, his lips moving against yours with a hunger that matched your own.

His hands moved to grasp your waist, as if afraid you might vanish. Before they could touch you, he paused as if doubting his ability to be able to touch you. To your frustration, the heat of his almost-contact pulled away. “Your Highness—”

“Choso,” you pleaded, grasping his hands in yours and placing them on their rightful place: your body. You dragged his hands down your torso, helping him explore your curves sensually, intimately as he squeezed his brows together, eyes shut, conveying his inner turmoil. His resolve almost cracked as you begged him, “Take me. Please.”

With agitation, he withdrew his hands from your grasp, painfully clenching them by his sides as he groaned. “Your Highness, you’re playing with fire. I mustn’t. Your body is of a thousand gold, and I would never dare to touch you with my hands—”

But you interrupted him by snorting. “If it is of a thousand gold, or whatever archaic term the royal legends have invented, then you are a thousand gold richer.” You gently took his face in your arms, kissing his forehead. “I am yours, and if you believe that anyone will have my heart after you, then you are most grievously mistaken.” 

He still looked at you, both kneeling on your bed, with a conflicted expression. You gave him a reassuring look before pressing another gentle kiss to his lips. Then, you teased him softly. “Will you not fight for my hand? Will you truly let me be promised to another man after this?”

His eyes darkened in a possessive manner, as he joined his lips against yourself furiously. “I would never,” he punctuated his interruptions with a searing kiss. “let anyone have you after this.”

With tender hands that heavily contrasted his desperation, he slipped the shoulder of your dress, dragging the hem down and down until your breasts were bare to the air. “So, so beautiful,” he whispered before enclosing your nubs in his mouth, kissing them both tenderly.

You could only but gasp, victim to his ministrations as he sneaked another hand up your legs, gently caressing your thighs until he met your core. He groaned, louder than ever, when he was met with the bare heat, wet with your desire and arousal all for him. With painstaking gentleness, he eased a finger in, drinking in your moans and sounds of pleasure. 

He couldn’t help but smile at the small scream that escaped you when he curled his fingers up. It seemed he had found the place that pleasured you most, one that you had stayed unbeknownst to. And he definitely couldn’t stop himself from torturing and repeatedly hitting against it with the way squeals of his name left your mouth whenever he did so.

Before you knew it, an unknown feeling washed over you as Choso kept continuing his touches, one that seemed like worship with how he was looking for your reactions, for your pleasure. A gush of slick escaped you, and Choso kissed your breasts one final time before drawing out his finger.

You peered down at him, flushed, as his eyes stayed trained on you while he slowly drew his finger inside his mouth, seeming to savor your taste. At last, he pulled it away from his mouth and asked, voice hoarse, “how are you feeling?”

You laugh bashfully and look away, blushing. “You know you don’t need to ask that. But,” and you pause, looking at him through your lashes, “you know I want more.”

The flush that was only apparent on his cheeks spread to his entire face and neck and he whines as he buries his face in your breasts once more, now to evade eye contact. “Don’t say things like that. It makes holding back even more arduous.”

You stroke his hair, smiling softly. “Would you have any qualms about taking my…maidenhood if you were my husband.”

His answer is immediate. “Absolutely not.”

“So you want to…make love with me?” You heat up at your own words, nervously looking at him in fear of his rejection.

He pauses, but then slowly nods. “Well, yes, but—”

“Then we shall put archaic traditions aside. Choso,” and you look at him mischievously as he squints at you, “I command you to make love to me.”

The reaction is immediate. As if animated again, he pins you down against your mattress, eyes feral as he takes your lips with his once more. With both hands, a riiiip echoes across the room as he entirely tears your shift in his bare hands. Mind you, it was not weak material, and you lay dumbfounded as he strips his shirt off.

You don’t even have time to admire his bare torso, muscled as you knew it would be. Your eyes automatically trail down to the string of hair that leads down to his v-line as he rids himself of his trousers. 

What gets uncovered makes you pray for your life, and you gasp, eyes wide. “How is that even supposed to go inside—”

He says your name, reassuringly, as he presses a soft kiss to your forehead. “I will take the utmost care of you. I promise.” He lines his length with your entrance, and, with another kiss, he pushes in gently.

When his member first breaches you, you gasp, dizzied by the fullness. Then, as he slowly bottoms out, you whine while impaled on his cock. “More.”

Basking in the euphoria of your clenching heat around him, at your request, he curses. He pulls out his length—slowly, gently—and then slams back in, and you squeal, whispering a breathless utter of his name once more. 

He continues making love to you, the sounds of his devotion echoing across the room. When you both climax, it is down with a prayer of the other’s name, as a promise. That you are both each other’s, and no qualms about proprietary and status could any longer apprehend either of you.

When the both of you settle down, him having gently cleaned you with a cloth, he collapses next to you in bed, bare arms engulfing you and pulling you closer. As you both lie there, skin to skin, you giggle at your own thoughts.

At the sound, Choso perks up, looking at you in soft amusement. “What’s the matter, my love?”

Ignoring the way your heart fluttered at the nickname, you replied, “I daresay you will be the strongest prince consort in the history of our kingdom.”

The mention of the weak nobles that had ascended the throne in centuries past makes him snicker smugly. “I would agree,” he muses, amused like you. “They would not have been as tall as me, or as strong, or as good in bed—-”

“Choso!” you squealed, grabbing a pillow and smacking him with it.

Grinning like a devil, he dodged with ease, catching your wrist and pulling you down onto the bed. Before you could protest, he wrestled himself on top of you, pinning your arms above your head and smothering you in kisses.

After his barrage was over, he turned solemn once more. “I’m serious,” he murmured, his tone softer, more sincere. His dark eyes searched yours, and his voice dropped to a near whisper. “I’ll protect you, stand beside you, love you until my last breath. You’re my queen in every way that matters. And no matter what, I’ll never leave your side again.”

Your breath hitched, his words settling deep in your chest. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, but you smiled, warmth flooding your heart. “And I’ll hold you to that, my love.”

He leaned down, capturing your lips in a kiss that was equal parts promise and devotion. It wasn’t hurried or frenzied, but slow, a tangible declaration of everything you both had endured to reach this moment. Here, in the quiet of your chamber, with his weight grounding you and his lips marking you as his, you found the only place you wanted to be—by his side, now and always.

general masterlist

a/n AHH HI POOKIES!! I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED MY FIRST CHOSO FIC?? let me know if i do him justice this was written with my pussy and me having a specific hyperfixation :3 anyways i really enjoyed writing this and i hope you guys did too :')

comment and reblog to let me know ur thots ;3

[dollfacefantasy]

MAKE HIM DO WHAT I SAY ♡

pairing: older bf!!logan howlett x fem!reader

summary: you and logan make a little bet. who can last longer without sex? as much as he wants to deny it, he's starting to think the answer might be you.

cw: nsfw (18+), smut, p in v, brief daddy kink (one mention)

a/n: a commission for my sweet @sleepyluxe who i love so very much <33 this fic takes place after the events of dofp when things are fixed.

Seven days. One week. A quarter of a month. That's how long it had been since Logan and you had fucked.

It was brutal. Some may say he's being dramatic, but that's because they've never had the luxury of you. They couldn't understand losing a paradise they've never experienced. The past several days he's felt like a man wandering through a barren desert, the oasis in sight but never close enough to drink from. Absolute torture.

Unfortunately, this situation came about because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

You'd been getting some work done late last Sunday evening. Just a few plans for the upcoming school week. Your fingers punched away at your computer while Logan lay on the bed twirling a stray cigar between his fingers.

"How many more pages you got?" he asked, boosting his head up to glance at you.

At the sound of his voice, you spun your chair around to face him. "Not that many. Just finalizing a few details for the field trip they're taking the kids on next weekend," you said.

"You're not even going. Why're they making you do that?"

The fat stick of tobacco continued to glide between his digits. One of your legs crossed over the other as you watched him.

"I'm not going because I offered to do all the planning," you reminded him. 

Your eyes stayed on the tantalizing movements of his fingers.

"You know you can't smoke in here, so don't even think about it," you said.

He rolled his eyes and puffed air through his pursed lips as if that was an outrageous warning. Sitting up, he put the cigar back in the drawer on his side of the bed. He rose to his feet and began to cross the room in your direction.

"Maybe you should give me something else to do with my mouth then," he teased, his voice lowering to the octave that reverberated with want for you.

Then it was your turn to roll your eyes. You turned your chair back toward the desk and continued grazing your fingertips over the raised letters.

It didn't deter him though. He kept on in your direction, stopping only when he was directly behind the backing of your seat.

His hands landed on your shoulders, fingers massaging the tight muscles fanning out from your neck. He leaned forward so his head hovered beside yours. You could hear each breath he took. The smell of that cigar lingered around his form even if he hadn't lit up tonight.

"C'mon, babydoll. You've been working so hard. A little break won't hurt you," he murmured, lips pressing against your cheekbone.

"I have to have these done by tomorrow morning. Just give me a few minutes, and then I'll be done for the night and completely focused on you," you'd rebuffed him gently.

But that didn't satisfy Logan. When he wanted you, he got you. He proceeded with his tender touches and luring pecks. You remained focused on your work though. He figured he should vary his approach.

"Just let me make you feel good then, honey. Give you some extra motivation," he whispered. His dedicated hands drifted to your waist, squeezing in a way that teased the idea of lifting you up and putting you on his lap. As good as it would've felt to be full of him, you knew you had to get this done.

"You're so bad," you said with a smile, head falling back a little as his mouth moved to your neck, "You act like you haven't gotten any in decades."

"Is that your way of telling me you're getting tired of me?" he teased.

"No. I'm just saying you're insatiable. It's getting to the point where I don't think you could live without me," you responded with a tone matching his in arrogance.

His eyebrow raised, and he pulled back a little to laugh. "That so?"

"Mhm," you nodded. Your sweet eyes stared him down, begging him to disagree.

Looking back, he wishes he could travel through time again to slap any further words out of his mouth. He should've just agreed! Should've told you that you were absolutely right. That he can't live without you, can't survive this life if he doesn't get to slip inside of you at the end of each day. He should've waited the fifteen minutes it would've taken you to finish your paperwork and then gotten laid.

But he didn't do any of that. He had to keep going and dig himself into a deeper hole.

"Don't act so innocent, princess. You're just as bad as me," he'd said.

"No way," you'd huffed, smirking with amusement, "I want you a totally normal amount. You want me like every second of the day. If you could, I don't think you'd ever let me do anything. You'd probably keep me chained to the bed, yours for the taking at all times of the day.

"Like you wouldn't love that. I'm not the one pawing at you every morning, whining about how bad I need it," he taunted.

"Oh shut up, that's happened like a couple times. Every day you're right in my ear, feeling me up. You practically drag me away from what I'm doing when you wanna fuck," you fired back, "I am nowhere near as bad as you."

And then he'd spoken the three cursed words that launched him into this predicament.

"You wanna bet?"

You laughed more at that and nodded again. "Sure. Because I know I'll win."

And that unofficial vow of celibacy was why the two of you had been dancing around each other for the past week. He was starting to feel like that old love song counting the amount of time it'd been since he had you beneath him last. Fifteen hours and seven days or however it went.

You didn't make this trying time any easier for him either. That night he went to sleep with blue balls. The next morning, he woke up to you getting ready. You weren't dressed in your usual style of clothing though. Instead, you had on a dress, Logan's favorite dress of yours. You'd styled your hair real pretty too, letting it compliment your features in the best way.

As his heavy lids blinked open to consciousness, he watched you fasten a shimmering necklace over your collarbone. It sat just above the neckline of the chiffon fabric that adorned your bust.

You caught his waking eyes with your own in the reflective glass, turning to look at him with a bright smile. 

Despite his bleary vision, he could hear the light steps of you prancing over to him. The mattress dipped with your weight as you sat down and leaned in to kiss his forehead. Your fingers slid through his dark hair just the way he likes, with your nails scratching his scalp a little. Worst of all, that close, the scent of your perfume became all consuming. It hit him harder than normal. He wasn't sure if he should blame you or himself for predicting the trials of the coming days.

He hummed in acknowledgement of your presence and nuzzled into your palm.

"Hey, sleepyhead," you cooed, your voice extra soft and sweet. It was too caring to be seductive, but of course, that's where his mind went anyways.

"Hey, baby," he'd mumbled.

"I gotta go drop off that paperwork, but I'll see you later. I love you," you whispered in return before laying one more column of kisses from the tip of his nose back to his forehead.

Then you'd left, leaving him half-hard and yearning for you. A pattern that would plague him over the next week.

Each day it was some new form of torture. The day after that, you'd worked extra hard in the danger room, coming back to him at night covered in a light sheen of sweat. Your heady natural scent filled the bedroom in moments.

The following afternoon, you wanted to cuddle when you both had some free time. The fact that you draped your leg over his torso, slotting your clothed cunt right against his hip, inches away from his cock, was pure accident of course.

Over the last few days, your games have become less specific. You peppered your speech with innuendo. Looked at him with your fuck-me eyes and spoke in the tone you always used seconds before he ended up bending you over the nearest surface.

He tried to fight back, he really did. He stopped wearing a shirt in your shared room. Every time he talked to you, he made sure to rub your ass or stroke your cheek. He was so desperate he stooped to embarrassing levels of lovey-dovey when the two of you were alone. But no matter what he tried, it seemed like you'd been right. Of your pair, you had the superior restraint.

With each passing hour, his frustration grew.

Today, it reaches its zenith.

The mansion is empty because it's Sunday. All the students and other teachers are out on the trip to the observatory today. You and Logan are the only remaining residents in the school. He ended up not having to tag along with the rest of the group after volunteering to fix the sprinklers bordering the school's patio. Babysitting kids had never been his forte even with all the practice he gets at it now. Simple handiwork he could do no problem.

The two of you take the morning to sleep in. This was a rare occasion where no early meetings or classes occupied your schedules. You stay tangled up together well past sunrise.

Logan is the first to leave the warmth and comfort of your embrace. He pulls himself from the nest of pillows and blankets, stretching his limbs out as he does. He rubs the tiredness from his features before rising and heading to the wardrobe to pull on some clothes.

In addition to his normal black t-shirt and jeans, he grabs the tool belt on his way out to the lawn. He slings it around his hips before walking through the back door. Heading past the basketball court and rows of hedges, he finds the line of leaking sprinklers besides them. It would probably take him a while given that he had to first identify the source of the problem and then recalibrate all of them with the adjustment.

He sighs but gets to work. At least he'd have a distraction from the desires haunting him.

Crouching in the dewy grass next to the little faucets, he begins examining the hard plastic shells. To his surprise, scanning for breaks does attach his mind to the task and give him a brief reprieve. It's quiet outside. Besides a small chirp from a distant bird or a grunt out of him, no other sounds echo over the open space. The sun shines in the sky, but it's not beating down on him. The air tickles his skin with warmth but not to the point of being miserably humid.

All the conditions meet in the perfect middle to keep him calm. It's the most peace he's had since he agreed to this bet between the two of you.

But all that tranquility is shattered about a half hour later when he hears the patter of footsteps against the stone pathway. From around the tall thicket of green foliage, comes you. Your face breaks out into a smile the second you burst into his vision. He would look the same if not for what you'd decided to wear.

You trot over to him across the grass in a pair of tiny black shorts with lacy frills on the hems. They sway with each of your movements, highlighting the shape of your legs. A gray camisole graces your upper half; a delicate white bow sits at the center of the collar, dead center between your breasts. The fit of the garment displays the contour of your chest just right. He feels like he's gonna start drooling before you make it near.

Despite his reaction, the outfit wasn't that provocative. It wasn't like you'd strutted out in lingerie. But he was so pent up that a flash of your ankle in the proper lighting could probably get him hard.

Bounding up to him, you wrap his body in a tight hug. Every curve of your form presses up against him.

"Look at you, working so hard," you praise playfully with a kiss to his cheek.

He laughs it off, returning the hug in an attempt to be normal, so you wouldn't see how vulnerable he was right now, how this was the perfect opportunity to strike. He couldn't let you know that in this moment, he could easily become the prey.

"Were you missing me already?" he asks, rubbing his free hand up and down your spine.

"Mhm. Woke up and you were gone," you reply. You nuzzle the crook of his neck, planting a few electric kisses on his skin.

"I didn't wanna wake you. You're pretty cute when you're sleeping," he mutters.

"Well now I'm gonna be cute out here with you," you say and pull back. You peck his lips one more time before plopping down in the grass behind him.

He glances back at you to see what that means. All you're doing is sitting there. Your legs extend out in front of you, straightened for his eyes to rake over. You lean back with your palms against the moist greenery below you.

"You don't got anything better to do with your day off?" he asks.

That earns him a small pout. "If you want me to leave, I will. I just wanna spend time with you."

He can tell by your tone that your intentions aren't so innocent. You're leading him into allowing your presence. But denying his girlfriend has never been one of the wolverine's strengths so of course, he acquiesces.

"Relax. I'm not telling you to go anywhere," he says as he turns back to his work, "I just don't think this will be that interesting to you."

"Watching you do anything is interesting to me," you joke back.

He rolls his eyes and gets back to work.

At first, things are smooth as before. He continues messing with the small, bendy pipes. You're quiet behind him. Almost too quiet, but he lets it go for now since he thinks he's found the source of the malfunction.

It doesn't take long to patch up. The more difficult part is going to each individual head and fixing the tightness. His fingers twist the little knobs to the correct settings. He then turns to you when he's finally done.

The sight of you feels like a gust of fresh air filling his lungs. You're laid out where you were before, but you've reclined across the ground. One of your arms is sprawled outwards, soaking up the sunlight while the other lazily covers your eyes. Your shadow outlines your figure against the emerald blades below you.

You look luscious and ripe, like a precious fruit ready to be picked and devoured. In any other circumstance, that's exactly what he'd do. He'd spread you out further for him and take you apart piece by piece. He wanted your nectar running down his chin with each savoring lap of his tongue. He craved the feeling of your heat wrapped around him, your walls massaging his shaft during every punishing thrust.

Imagining it now only gets the blood pumping down South to his hardening length.

He runs a hand over his hair and sighs. Why didn't he do that now? What was the point of this stupid fucking contest? It's not like there was anything on the line. The only stake was his pride, which to be honest, he'd already compromised for you multiple times over the course of your relationship.

Unbuckling the leather from his waist, he discards the tool belt. Next he peels his shirt from his body and tosses it to the side.

He makes his way to you on the grass. He drops to his knees and leans forward. His muscular frame cages you in against the ground. Starting at your navel, he drags his nose up your body. He coasts over the valley between your breasts and past your collar bone. His soft exhales breeze across your throat before he finally reaches your cheek. With a gentle pull, he clears your arm from your face.

Your eyes flutter to adjust to the sunlight beaming down on them again. They take in the vision of him so close to you and the way he gazes down with adoration.

"Hey, pretty girl," he says, his voice much softer than it'd been before, "You falling asleep on me?"

His thumb rubs over your jawline while the other strokes the crown of your head. A smile blooms across your lips. You can't help it with how he's behaving.

"No... well, maybe a little. I think you were right. Sprinklers are pretty boring," you say.

He grins and leans in to kiss your lips. With the exchange he hopes to communicate everything he doesn't want to say. I give up. You win.

You reach up and cup his scruffy cheeks. Your tongue swipes against his lips, sensing his longing for intimacy. He allows you in, and you deepen the connection. A long breath oozes from your nostrils.

He presses you down against the ground further as your hands slide over the little white streaks in his hair. Your fingers embed themselves in his locks. You feel his hands sliding down your body. They stop at your hips and give the plush flesh a squeeze.

It's obvious what he wants, but in case there was any doubt, his digits then hook around the top of your shorts and give them a tug.

A giggle bubbles up out of you against his mouth. You pull back to look at him with smug eyes.

"Is that your way of admitting I was right?" you ask.

He grumbles and ducks his head down to start kissing your neck. "Don't get cocky or I'll change my mind."

That makes you laugh more. You yank on his hair and pull him back up to look at you. 

"No you won't," you tease and brush your noses together. Looking into his eyes again, you can see how bad he wants this. "Just say it."

"Say what?"

"Say you're giving in. And that I win. And that you can't live without me."

He gives you a blank stare. Silently, he contemplates if there's any way around this. He wonders if there's a way he can avoid utter humiliation.

"C'mon, baby. Throw an old dog a bone," he grumbles.

Giggling, you shake your head. "Nuh uh. I wanna hear you say it."

He sighs and rolls over, pulling you on top of him. You straddle his hips with learned ease. Your smile glows from this angle. The sunlight above cascades over your frame and only further accentuates your body in your tight clothes. He rubs his hands up and down your sides. His dick is already at half-mast under the denim that covers his lower body. Your heat rests right on top of it, teasing him through the barriers of cloth. It dangles what he could have if he gives you what you want right before him.

The words that challenged you and created this trap for himself came out so easy. Why couldn't these be the same?

To coax him along, you grind down the slightest bit. The pressure's so light and gentle, a mere graze of your mound on the outline of his growing bulge. He hisses at the feeling.

"Just admit it," you say, planting your palms on his chest, "Just say I was right and you were wrong."

He watches you above him, knowing you're not going to drop this. If he wanted this self-invoked dry spell to end, he'd have to make it happen.

You roll your hips down with more force, impatient to hear him comply with your request. A small whimper leaks out of you. He can tell from that sound alone that you're getting worked up. That arousal is beginning to collect between your thighs.

The thought of it makes his need for you almost biological. His hands clamp around your waist and press you down harder. He rocks his up a little to meet your own movements.

"I need you so bad, princess," he sighs, his eyes shutting as he takes in the dull pleasure of you on top of him.

"Then you can say what I told you," you tease.

"What was it again?" he asks as he continues dragging your covered pussy back and forth along his now fully hard shaft.

"Say you're giving in. That I win. And that you can't live without me," you remind him, visibly proud of your victory.

With a sigh, he repeats, "I'm giving in. You win. I can't live without you."

You smile and laugh as if it was the best thing you'd ever heard. Your head falls back with glee before coming up so you can see his face again.

"Actually, can you say that again? I'm gonna grab my phone. That way I can film it this time. I just wanna have a record-" you continue to tease, but you're cut off by your own squeal when he grabs you and flips you back over onto your back. He keeps you quiet by smashing his lips against yours as your back thuds against the grass.

This kiss burns hotter than the last one. His mouth moves with bruising passion as he pulls your shorts down your legs for real. You help him by kicking them loose. His hands roam around over your smooth skin.

He glances down and finds what he thought he felt. No panties.

Eyes flitting back up to you, he shakes his head. "You were gonna give in anyways," he accuses.

"Yeah, but you gave in first," you giggle.

A small growl rumbles in his chest, but he still leans in to pull your tank top up. He brings it across your stomach, letting your breasts fall free as he bunches the material above them. He cups the plump flesh, taking a look at the beauty he holds in his palms. You watch him in the fleeting interval in which you're forced to separate.

"So... since I win, what do I get?" you continue to gloat.

"My dick inside you," he answers as his fingers yank his zipper open and shove down his pants in a similar fashion to your shorts.

"But I'm gonna get that anyways. I think I should get a real prize," you say, aiming to stoke the flames higher.

Your hips get hauled closer across the grass, so fast that you're in danger of having green smeared across your skin.

"I don't think you'll be complaining in a few minutes, ya little brat," he mumbles.

His fist pumps over his cock as he lines it up between your legs. The leaky tip smears some precum over your folds before he slides inside. He groans as he sinks in, cherishing the feeling after the week of its absence.

You're quick to adjust to the stretch. With a sharp breath, your back arches off the grass. He had already snapped back and slammed in again. You knew he wouldn't be patient after being deprived of this. Watching him above you, your eyes study how his chest puffs in and out with harsh breaths. His strong arms extend down on either side of your head, his fists holding clumps of grass between them. 

It's a gorgeous view, but you know it can't beat the feeling.

"Closer..." you whine and grab at his shoulders, pulling him down so he's right on you and smothering your body against the turf, "Missed you, old man."

"How many times have I told you to quit it with that?" he asks as his pelvis begins setting a rhythm.

"Enough to know that I'm never gonna," you say. It's the last thing you can get out before moans shatter your plans to speak.

His warm flesh pounds against yours over and over. Your body rocks with the bounce of him on top of you. It feels so good. The world feels bright again, like you'd transitioned from an existence of black and white to living in color. It was so open out here but also so empty. Like you and him were the only two people on earth.

Your voice tapers off. Words become second to whimpers of pleasure. His hands grope the swell of your ass before returning to your sides for steady leverage.

"We'll have to work on that then," he grunts, "If you're not gonna stop, I'll just have to make sure you can't speak at all."

You preen at the idea, clutching at his muscular shoulders and back. He pants right next to your ear. Each stroke drives deep into you, brushing a spot that had ached for him to touch it again.

"Never wanna go that long again," you babble around whines.

"Me neither, baby. Think you were right. Not being able to feel this pretty little pussy every day almost killed me," he says.

A rush of euphoria flows through you upon hearing that. Your moans become more breathy, more full of need for him. You grab one of his wrists and tug his hand off your hip, pushing it in between your legs.

He knows what you want. His fingers apply some pressure and rub at your swollen bundle of nerves. Immediately, he's rewarded with a whine out of you and a buck from your hips.

"Impatient," he huffs between a set of deep thrusts.

"I won," you retort, "I get to do what I want."

Even in the heat of the moment, he chuckles at your petulant tone. His hips keep rutting against you on the grass. He's sure his next task of yard-work will be covering the mysterious indents in the soil out here.

"I needa cum, Logan," you whine several seconds later, "So close."

"Yeah? You need it, sweetheart? Need to let it out after keeping it from me for so long?"

Your head bobs up and down in an enthusiastic nod. "Please, please, please."

"Well, it's like you said. You won. So I think you can finish when you're ready."

"Mmmm- o- ok..." you whimper out.

Your hips roll up and down to reciprocate the fast pace of his own. He's battering right up against that special spot inside you that makes your mind blank and your eyes gloss up.

With a handful of whimpers, you cum. Your face scrunches as your cunt tightens around him. His fingers keep up the same rhythm on your clit, swirling around the little bud through your pleasure high.

"That's my girl," he praises, "Let it all out for daddy."

Your body seizes up at that command. Every cell of your being somehow knows to obey. You stumble over words and let them leave your lips half formed.

He keeps driving into you as you're coming down, chasing his own release. You're well into the territory of overstimulation now, all parts of you fizzling like a lit sparkler.  Your thighs quiver against his sides violently. They lock around his waist when you finally feel him slam in and drain himself.

A loud groan erupts from him. He makes no effort to restrain it given that only the two of you are here to hear it. He fucks it into you, ricocheting himself against your center a couple more times and letting every last drop pour into your dripping hole.

When he feels sated, at least for the moment, he reluctantly pulls out. He takes a couple deep breaths as he watches a bit of his cum ooze out of you. It didn't matter though. That wouldn't be the last load you took today.

His body topples over next to yours on the natural ground. You both lie there for a few moments catching your breath before you roll onto your side to look at him.

You just stare for a few moments. Your eyes roam along the shape of his face to the slope of his jaw and the curve of his chest. Leaning in, you kiss the space below his ear.

He responds to the touch by curling his arm around your waist and pulling you to his side.

His head turns to meet your loving gaze.

"I think we have some more time to make up for," he says.

You respond with an eager nod and hop up to your feet. Both of you pull on the basics of the clothes you'd been wearing before and rush back into the mansion, giggling as you stumble through the halls like a couple of lovesick teenagers.

The door to your room stays shut for the rest of the day. You spend the remaining hours you have enmeshed in each other; intertwined with him enough to recover from the lack you'd put yourself through.

Logan doesn't venture beyond the barrier of your shared sanctuary until the sun has gone down and darkness coats the halls of the mansion.  He walks quietly, taking his steps carefully to ensure none of the wooden planks beneath him creak.

All he had to do was go downstairs and grab you some water. In and out. Five minutes. But as he rounds the turn into the room, Scott's already there, looking through the fridge. He freezes and stands there awkwardly in his black tank top and loose sweatpants.

Having heard the sounds of his footsteps, the other man glances over at him. 

"There you are. Didn't see you around when I got back," he says simply.

Logan shrugs, trying to play it casual. He walks across the room toward the cupboard that holds the glasses. The other man's eyes follow him. He can feel that even through the scarlet shades on his face.

"Haven't seen your other half either," Scott continues.

Logan can tell from the tone of his voice where this is going. 

"Don't call her that," he scoffs, forever downplaying his attachment to you, "She's tired. She's upstairs sleeping."

"On her day off? I wonder what would have her so drained," Scott replies. His tone is flat in contrast to the little smirk on his face.

"Don't start," Logan says. He goes to the fridge to fill your cup with water. The trickle of the fluid is the only sound in the room until Scott keeps going.

"I didn't say anything," he says, raising his hands in surrender, "Only that this is the best mood you've been in all week."

"A couple hours without you around does wonders for me," Logan grumbles, wishing the liquid would pour a little faster.

"I'm sure. A couple hours with no one else around. Just the two of you after you've both been stiff the whole week," he taunts, "It's ok to admit you're whipped."

Finally, the cup is full. Logan takes it and turns away, holding one finger up as he walks from the kitchen.

"See you tomorrow, Scott."

"Yeah. Tell her if she's feeling sore, she can skip the early meeting," he says with a little laugh.

[luveline]

𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

You begin to have intimate dreams about your roommate, Spencer. [9k]

c: pining roommates, dreams, tipsy non-confessions, spencer being a sweetheart. fem!reader. this fic was requested! 

｡𖦹°‧⭑.

i. a dreamt bruise 

“What are you doing?” 

Your chest lists slightly forward as a body warms your back. Arms wrap around you, solid but gentle, arms you’ve been held by a thousand times. 

You cover them with one of your own. “What does it look like I’m doing?” you feel yourself ask. 

The room is golden, gaussian, better now he’s behind you.

“I don’t know, dove. That’s why I asked.” His voice is soft in your ear. His hair presses to the side of your face as he hugs you —you’ve never felt love like this. It’s palpable. It’s in his hands. 

Nobody’s called you dove before, but he is, he has. It might feel strange if it weren’t for how softly he said it, affection in the very marrow of the word, warmth of it kissing your cheek as he holds you. He says ‘dove’, and it feels like he loves you. Feels like you’ve done something beautiful to earn it, but that’s the beauty of it: you didn’t do anything. 

The room turns narrow, sunlight on the dining room table of your apartment. A table usually crowded thickly with books, or your work. A space has been cleared away and filled with pieces of a jigsaw. 

“I thought you were going to do this with me,” you say, dragging a piece across the table with your fingertip. 

“Maybe later.” 

“You can’t stand there all night.” 

Are you sure? you think he says, but things are hazy, and he’s turning you toward him suddenly, you’re standing, the puzzle forgotten. “How’s your bruise?” 

“What?” you ask, almost sleeping as a big, kind hand drags up the front of your shirt, holding it to the underside of your breast. 

“Does it still hurt?” 

His thumb brushes over your contusion, skin on your side, your back. It’s tender. Any breath is lost, any sense of breathing at all. You’re not a girl so much as something being touched with care, warm joy and love and a contrasting ache wedged under your heart as he draws a circles into your skin. 

He hums sympathetically, the weight of him ebbing as he leans away, letting your shirt fall back into place. 

The dream stretches on for a lifetime, the two of you standing in your living room, dining table behind you, couch and TV opposite. Your life in one room, his life, his books, his furniture, but your home. You know it all well, just, in the light, you can’t see the stitching. 

He takes your face into his hand. Nobody’s ever touched you like, turned your face up like they were moving through honey, staring at you with eyes that shade of brown. Brown, brown… so big. So melting. 

Spencer holds your face gently. 

His nose touches yours. He tips his forehead into yours, his breath skimming lips he’d just warmed as he says, “Don’t worry, alright? You’ll be okay. Just take it easy,” he says, the last of his pleading lost to your mouth. 

You wake up with a caught breath. 

Your eyes are glued together, eyelashes threaded, gummy. You turn into the pillow beside you, slightly deflated and cold where you’d turned away in the night. 

The room is dark when you manage to pry your eyes open. You close them just as quickly, begging your body to sleep, to plunge back into the dream. Just five more minutes of golden colour, hugging your pillow, love in somebody’s hand, in Spencer’s hand… five more minutes…

Your eyes open again. 

Spencer’s hand on your cheek, guiding you carefully upwards for a kiss. 

You raise your hand, feeling along the swell of your bottom lip with your thumb and index finger. They tremble with the weakness of having just woken up. With having something torn away from you. 

What was that? you think, the hook of sleep lodged in your throat as you struggle to sit up. Your face tips forwards heavily, but your back doesn’t hurt like it tends to in the early mornings before work. There’s no ache there —your body slept well. You use your hands as anchors and drag yourself foot first from the bed. Your sheets fall to the floor with a quiet shush. 

It felt so real that for a moment you’re wondering where Spencer went. 

He was touching you, he was caressing your waist. You rush to the door of your room, every night left ajar, pushing it open and beelining for the bathroom. You flick on the light and stop in front of the mirror, staring at yourself, wondering if you’re foolish enough to do this, before peeling your shirt from your stomach to analyse your bruise. 

It’s not there. 

You turn and contort yourself to catch the light. Maybe it was further back? But no… there’s no bruise, nothing for Spencer to check. Your torso is a stretch of unharmed skin to run your hand down without pain. 

Your head whirs. 

From somewhere in the apartment, Spencer puts down a mug. You flush with heat at the realisation that he’s home, and panic flares when his footsteps move in your direction. Your bedrooms are on opposite sides of the apartment, and there are two bathrooms —the bath and toilet near your room, and the en-suite to his room— meaning Spencer’s coming to see you specifically. 

“Hey, Y/N?” he says. 

It’s been a few days since he was home, and you aren’t just roommates, Spencer’s your friend. He sounds happy that you’re awake, pausing at your bedroom door. 

“I’m in the bathroom!” you say, your dry throat turning your voice to fractures. 

“I just wanted you to know I’m home. Are you working?” 

“It’s Saturday.”

He laughs. “Oh. I know, I forgot. Well, can I make you breakfast? I was gonna have oats and sliced bananas and stuff.” 

“Okay.” You clear your throat. “I’ll be right there.” 

“Sorry,” he says, like he’s just remembered where you are. “This is harassment. I’ll be in the kitchen.” 

You wash your face and brush your teeth. You head back into your room to change from your pyjamas into loungewear that’s just as soft. The flavour of your dream follows you around, you’d like to call it sweetness, saccharinity, but it doesn’t fit the bill. The feeling you’d woken with wasn’t a sugar high but contentedness, like a warm evening meal. You’d felt utterly sated, your arms reaching out for a body that wasn’t there. 

A heaviness takes your heart. Suffocating longing, you carry it to the kitchen with you to find Spencer’s already made you a cup of your tea. He’s warming oatmeal on the stove, blueberries and bananas on the countertop. You sit at the island. You should hug him. If you hadn’t dreamt of his hands on your waist what felt like mere moments ago, you would’ve. 

“Did you go shopping?” 

“I did, I went to Leaven last night. You were already sleeping at ten.” He peeks at you from over his shoulder. “Long day yesterday?” 

“I get too tired by Friday,” you say, averting your gaze to stare down into your mug, steam twirling up to kiss your chin. 

“No, I get it. Me too. Are you feeling any better today?” 

You were sick when he left. “I’m fine.” 

“Okay, good. I’m gonna put the blueberries in with the oatmeal, is that okay?” 

“Sure.” 

“Okay.” Spencer’s gaze lingers on you. He turns back to the counter. 

He cuts two bananas. You realise he has strawberries, too, watching as he cuts them, wetness leaking from their punnets where he must’ve rinsed them in the sink. He slices out the stems and cuts the strawberries in clean halves like hearts. 

“I missed you,” he says. 

You can’t read his tone, but you aren’t cruel, even feeling shy as you are. “I missed you too. How was the case? Everyone made it home in one piece, right?” 

“Everyone’s fine. Emily got into a car accident and it was pretty bad, but she’s okay now. Recovering from her concussion at home with Sergei.” 

That’s good. You’re glad to hear they’re all okay, because they’re good people, and they risk a lot to keep others safe. You forget sometimes how much Spencer puts on the line whenever he leaves. 

You poke at him for details of the case, though legally there are things he has to keep from you, and you don’t mind either way. Nothing personal can crop up while talking of murder, and for now you’d like the conversation to stay far away from you and your bed and your sudden dream. 

You assume you’re safe, but then Spencer mentions the bruise one of the sergeants got from their weapon’s kickback and you’re flushing nervously all over again. 

Spencer grabs two bowls from the cabinet, dark brown ceramics he got from Koreatown, the perfect size for each helping of oatmeal. The purple from the insides of the blueberries bleed into the oats as he pours.

He lays each bowl with a curve of banana slices, strawberries, and covers half with a drizzle of dark fudge sauce. “Salt?” he asks. 

“Yes, please.” 

Spencer grabs two spoons from the cutlery drawer. He grins when he finally turns, bowls held aloft, making his way to the stool beside you. He puts his own down first, then the cutlery, standing ever so slightly behind you as he lays your breakfast down in front of you. “What have you been doing while I was away?” he asks softly. 

You can’t look at him. Can’t think. 

What are you doing? 

What does it look like I’m doing? 

I don’t know, dove. That’s why I asked. 

You lean away from his presence, desperate to have him follow, and ashamed. Spencer’s a friend, a good one, he’s kind and loving and handsome beyond description, but you’ve never thought of him like that. Each time your mind slips wondering what he might be like in love, you’ve let the thought go. But now... 

You shrug, grabbing your spoon. “Not much, Spencer. This looks amazing, it’s really pretty. Thank you for cooking.” 

“No problem. Are you sure you’re feeling better? You don’t look so good.” 

You take a quick bite of oatmeal, the spoon scalding your tongue, “Ah,” you say, breathing harshly around it, “I’m fine. Woke up a little wrong, that’s all.” 

Spencer sits in the seat next to you with a soft smile. “Good. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.” 

Oh, no, you think, reading way too much into how he says it. No, no, no.

—

ii facts 

We should explore the city, Spencer declares after breakfast, before we forget what it’s like to be outside!

You were outside yesterday before you got home, and everything sucked as much as it usually did —it’s the weekend, and the point of it is to stay home resting and or lazing, but you wouldn’t usually say no to Spencer so you can’t now. He can’t ever know about your dream, so he can’t know how you’re feeling, so you have to be the friends you’ve always been. 

Spencer analyses people for a reason, but you have practice. You’ve successfully hidden what it was that morning that made you feel cagey and tender. He knows something is wrong regardless. He attempts to fix it the best way he knows how: Spencer talks. 

“Cheese production globally outshadows coffee, tea, tobacco, and chocolate, over twenty two million metric tons of it every year, with almost half of that made in Europe alone, which is only a half million metric ton more than what’s being eaten. The average American eats forty two pounds of cheese a year, but I don’t really like cheese that much? So I’m bringing the average down. Besides, every time I eat cheese I get strange dreams.  There’s actually a chemical in cheese called tyramine which is linked to nightmares. Hey, you okay?” 

“Cheese gives you weird dreams?” 

“Why, have you been eating a lot of it lately?” 

“No,” you say resolutely. “I hate cheese. I’ve never eaten cheese before.” 

“That’s a lie.” 

“Let’s get donuts.”

Spencer is easily swayed. You glance around the square for the McDonald’s and follow that to the street with the bakery, landmark to landmark, until the smell of sugar and oil is strong enough to follow. “Do you wanna know something about donuts?” he asks, crushing in behind you as you pass through the heavy wooden door of the bakery and join the line. 

“Sure.” 

“They were first called oily cakes.” 

“I knew that,” you say, “you’ve told me that, Spencer. That’s the first fact anybody thinks of.” 

“Okay, don’t be rude,” he says, giving you a playful poke in the ribs, right into the bruise that isn’t a bruise. 

You look over your shoulder at him, catching his eye. You share a long look that’s daunted on your part and confused on his, brown eyelashes tangling in the corners the longer he looks at you. “What?” he asks, squinting. 

”Nothing.” 

“Okay,” he says, his voice lowering, quiet to match the hush of the bakery and its humming fridges, “don’t tell me. I’ll work it out eventually.” 

“Dude!” 

“What?” he asks with a laugh. 

“Boundaries!” you laugh back. “Stop trying to figure me out.” 

“But there’s something to figure out?” 

He’s evil when he smiles like that. His pride is adorable, giving his sweet face an even fresher look. You’d pinch his cheeks if they weren’t already pinking in the October cold. His scarf hasn’t saved him, his coat buttoned tightly no match for the winds. Not to say it’s a bad day. The weather is fine if you keep your fingers in your pockets and your nose in the depths of your coat. 

“What do we want?” you ask rather than answer. 

They have white icing, chocolate with sprinkles, jelly middles, smiley faces. They have donut holes by the bag. “Hazelnut spread,” you say, pointing at the side of the case. “That looks good.” 

He enters in conspiratorial whispers with you. “Apple cider doughnuts with cinnamon sugar,” he says, pointing at the row below. “What about a double chocolate chunk cookie? They look good. Hey, there’s cake in the fridge.” 

You let him lean into your side. His hair kisses your cheek.  

“Pick whatever you want, okay?” he asks, offering a smaller smile than before. “I’m buying.”

“You can’t, Spencer Reid, I want so many things.” 

“It’s fine, I missed you, I dragged you out when you wanted to stay in bed.” He stares at you. “Let me,” he mouths. 

You ignore the hot twist of your stomach and nod. Okay. 

Spencer buys the baked goods you’d admitted to wanting and the three others you’d eyed, as well as a cookie and two fat slices of red velvet cake. He asks you to carry the box while he pays. The woman behind the counter gives you a knowing look and a flick of her head, as if to say, Lucky you. You can’t quite smile back, distracted by the insinuation. You haven’t thought of it before, but you and Spencer, naturally, look like a couple. You could easily be one. And the idea that she thinks so fills you with a shocking amount of smugness. 

You and Spencer head home before dinner. On the walk back, he pulls the cookie apart and offers you half. 

—

What if, when you fall asleep tonight, you dream of Spencer again? 

You lay on your back with your hand on your chest, drawing circles. The cold of the evening is explained by the rain lashing your window, distant winds coming forceful now. A thunderstorm. You tap the middle of your chest in an attempt to be idle, rather than restless. 

It isn’t a dream you’d like to have again, you decide. Spencer had been soft. You’d been familiar with each other. 

What would it really feel like to have him touch you like that? Is Spencer confident, when he’s comfortable? Is he imposing? 

My stomach, you think slowly, is never going to stop spinning. 

“Y/N?” Spencer asks. 

You can hear him all the way from the kitchen. 

“Yeah?” you ask, raising your voice so it carries. 

“Can I come and sit with you?”

It’s an odd request. You know Spencer’s like you, no social butterfly, quiet and content to spend time by oneself because being with others hasn’t always been an option. He isn’t timid, however, and his asking shouldn’t shock you, but it does. “Sure,” you say, shifting onto one side of the bed. 

Spencer arrives at the ajar door and lets himself in. He carries two bottles of water and a heat pack, which he likes to use when the weather allows it. A creature comfort, you assume. Something soothing and constant, like the sound of a fan at night, or rain on a window. 

“I can’t sleep,” he says, “which doesn’t make much sense.” Spencer sits on the empty side of the bed, his lips pulled into a grimace. “I like the rain.” 

He’s more handsome when he’s smiling, but there’s a charm to him as he passes you a bottle of water and crosses his legs. The plaid slacks he’s wearing are rough with age, dark blues that seem black in the low lighting. 

“Maybe it’s because of work,” you say. 

“Maybe, but I’m pretty used to getting woken up.” 

“Right. It’s not easy, though, the stuff you do. It would keep me up at night if I did your job.” 

“I think sometimes doing my job is the only reason I can sleep.” 

“It's hard. Sounds hard, Spence.” You relax into your pillow, turning to see him. Spencer’s eyes run along your hip for a millisecond, just long enough to remind you that he’s a boy, that he could see you in a different light. 

“It’s okay,” he says. 

“Was it hard, this time?” you ask. 

“No,” he whispers. “I don’t know, it was bad when Emily got hurt, but she’s so stubborn. If Morgan didn’t strap her down she would’ve kept going like nothing happened.” 

You and Spencer have lived together for so long that you remember a time before he even knew Emily. You answered his ad in the paper —you hadn’t realised people still put ads in the paper— looking for a roommate. His apartment was already furnished and he didn’t want to change much, but the second bedroom was spacious and the bathroom could be monopolised. As a girl, you’d been a little dubious reading about a single male looking for any gender, but his self-description was inviting. Twenty-two, just finished a doctorate, working for the FBI and expected to be away from the state at least once a month. 

You’d met Spencer and felt even less intimidated. He was awkward and dorky but friendly, too, with his glasses he apparently didn’t want to wear, but would eventually give in (before choosing contacts), and his big red sweater fit for a grandpa. “I can make more room for you but I can’t get rid of the books,” he said, “so I don’t expect you to pay a neat half.” 

How could you pass it up? 

“I can’t believe I’ve never met them,” you say. 

“Do you want to?” 

He sounds so surprised. “They’re your friends. I’m your… friend.” 

“You’re my best friend. I’ll arrange something, or try to. It’s hard to get us all in one room when that room isn’t the conference room,” he says. 

“You look nice in a t-shirt,” you say, not thinking as the words come out. 

Spencer leans in to whisper, “Thanks. You like this one?” 

His t-shirt says, I may be NErDy, but only periodically. The NErDy is made up of elements from the periodic table. It’s a bad pun. 

“I love it.” 

He reaches for you. Tentative, he squeezes your elbow. “Is there something wrong? All day it’s like… I don’t know, did something happen when I was gone?” 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

“But…” 

“Please,” you say, as he catches the last bit of light from the hallway, every eyelash illuminated for the counting. “I don’t wanna talk about it, Spencer. But thank you.” 

He, in a move that’s almost uncharacteristic, pushes your arm into the mattress and leans over you. “I wanna be the first one to know when you do wanna talk,” he says firmly, holding your gaze. 

How’s your bruise? 

You nod mechanically. Spencer recedes. “Okay, good,” he says, grinning. 

“Good,” you echo, thinking of Spencer in the dream, his hand on your hip and climbing up your sore ribs. “Let’s watch TV.” 

—

iii. scared of snow 

“You’re being weird.” 

“I’m not,” you refute. 

“You are.” 

Spencer frowns at you, a show full downturn of the lips. A dusting of snow lands in his hair and you both look up to catch it, a drift of it from the marquee as you pass. You don’t remember when it started snowing, but it feels like it’s been coming down for days. It’s in his eyelashes. Your sleeves are wet with it. 

“The snow’s making you strange.”

You hold out your hand with fingers parted, feeling his laugh travelling down his arm and into yours as he takes it, intertwining your fingers tightly. He doesn’t feel cold. 

“It’s making you strange,” you mumble. 

You and Spencer walk down a cobbled road. Snow crunches under your shoes, turned to slush in the high traffic spots by vendors booths left curiously empty of shopkeepers, though their festive wares still line the insides, carved cuckoo birds and metal ornaments, glass balls made to be personalised for mantles. You can smell orange oil and chocolate fudge, crepe carts and churros and cinnamon, and then suddenly any hint of your olfactory sense is gone. 

“It’s so quiet.” 

“It’s the snow,” he says, pulling your arm against his chest as you walk and walk, your footsteps the only sound. “It acts as a sound absorber when it’s fluffy like this. The sound waves get caught.” 

Caught. You think, or say, not sure if it makes it out of your mouth. 

“Like you,” he says, stopping in the middle of the road. 

“What?” you ask. 

Snow lands in his eyelashes. “You’re caught,” he says. 

You wake up thinking his hand is on your cheek. Like a nightmare, you start, still picturing his lips moving around the words. Caught, you think again, heart a hummingbird in your chest. Your mouth is dry. The heat is up —Spencer must be home again. 

You suck in a deep breath and sit up, curling over yourself protectively. 

You dream about Spencer more often than ever, and half the time they’re normal dreams, which is to say, they follow no rhyme or reason, with no discernible plot. Spencer loses all his teeth, or he takes you to the movies to see one of his long Swedish films, or he’s an afterthought, a bystander. The main plot of your dream doesn’t involve him at all. 

But the other half of the time is ruining your life. You dream of Spencer holding your hand like you had been, or touching your shoulder. Never again do you dream of that tender bruise, but Spencer lifts your shirt in other scenarios. He pulls your pyjamas off, his hand inching between your legs but never touching, or he helps you out of your bra. And every time you think, why is this happening to me? Perhaps a sex dream could be explained away by want and Spencer’s proximity, but all these constant intimacies weigh heavy in your head. 

You head to the shower and picture Spencer helping you out of your bra, and all of you goes hot, so you turn the water to lukewarm and stand until you’re cold to the point of misery. You clamber out and shiver into a towel, then your robe. 

Spencer’s humming in the kitchen. 

You honestly wish that the dreams made you like him less, that the sound of him might send you running back into your room, but you poke your head out of the bathroom and wait until he enters the living room. He sees you waiting, his face splitting into a smile. “Hey, good morning, did you sleep better?” 

You can’t explain the discombobulation of your dreams. Spencer had become convinced you have insomnia. You may have let him assume. 

“Slept fine,” you croak. 

“Okay, well get dressed and I’ll make you some coffee.” 

“‘Kay.” Your stomach pangs with nerves seeing him, reminded of tonight’s big event. “Are we still, uh, on, for tonight?” 

“Nervous?” he asks. 

You feel like you're about to be a fish in a pool of sharks. “Of course not.” 

 “Yeah, still on, even JJ.” 

Awesome. Spencer turns around to make you your cup of coffee and you go to your room, dressing quickly, two pairs of socks. You tone your face and moisturise, fanning yourself slowly. You don’t hurry to the living room, but you aren’t slow, and it’s not Spencer, you tell yourself. Not Spencer. You’re just craving the warmth of a cup of coffee. 

You spend the morning together on the couch. Spencer reads and occasionally chats to you about whatever tome it is that specific half an hour. You make sandwiches at lunch time, he showers in the early evening. You get dressed and primped while he’s gone, and at 6PM, Spencer knocks your bedroom door to ask if you’re ready to go. 

“Could I fake an illness?” you joke nervously. 

Spencer’s hand falls on your handle. The door is ajar as usual, but he doesn’t tread any further inside. 

“Come in,” you say. 

Spencer takes a single step inside before stopping. He looks you up and down without the hunger you crave from him, a more clement, familiar appreciation to him as he says, “You look pretty.” He traces your arm, leaving the skin tingly in his wake. “Really pretty.” 

“Thank you. I didn’t want to overdress.” 

“It’s perfect, don’t worry. And no, you couldn’t fake an illness. They all know when I’m lying, especially Hotch. And Emily, actually.” 

You squeeze your hands together tightly at your stomach. “I don’t know why I’m sooo nervous.” You lick your lips. “I feel like I can’t stop fidgeting.” 

“They’re used to it, I promise. They know that they’re gonna make you nervous, but they’ve sworn to be on their best behaviour, and besides, you’re not the only plus one. JJ’s bringing Will, and Morgan’s bringing his sister, I’ve only met her once. The focus won’t be all on you.” He lowers his voice. “After two drinks they forget they’re supposed to be scary.” 

“What if I say something extremely stupid to your boss and get you in trouble?” 

“What are you going to get me in trouble for?” 

“I don’t know. What if I accidentally tell him that that sick day you took a few weeks ago was to help me make brownies?”

“Everyone lies about sick days.” He deliberates. “Maybe not Hotch. But I’m pretty sure he knew I was lying, and it’s explainable. I felt… irate.” 

You raise your eyebrows. “What?” 

“Staying home with you made me feel better. Which made me a better worker the next day, it’s fine.” His phone rings from somewhere in the apartment. “That’ll be JJ. Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Yeah?” He grins. “Okay. You’re wearing a coat, right? It’s cold. The forecast says snow. It’s thirty degrees out.” 

You layer a coat onto your jacket and a scarf to make him happy. You and Spencer get a taxi, black leather gritless under your hands, though you squeeze the seat like it’s gonna stop the car the whole time. Spencer doesn’t talk much, but he looks at you unapologetically, and he smiles, and the quiet is as severe as it was in your dream that morning. If this were a dream he’d be leaning over to cradle your ear. He’d ask in whispers if you were alright, and he’d let his hand rest kindly on your knee. 

“What?” you whisper. 

His lips part like he might answer. The car comes to a crunching stop outside the bar, and whatever it was he was going to say is kept for later. “I’ll tell you after,” he says. 

He pays for the taxi before you can work it out and you say thank you to the driver. The sidewalk is clean, broad, and glowing with the last bit of light. The sun sets behind you. The bar beckons in front. 

Your fear is daunting. 

You have years of practice fooling Spencer. You know that he knows your tells, so you’ve changed them, and Spencer cares about you enough to ignore obvious truths if he thinks you might not want to share. His colleagues, FBI agents trained to detect deception, are going to take one good look at you and know you’re lying about… this. 

You’re plagued by dreams of Spencer, but nothing can touch the real thing. 

You feel the space between you like it’s aflame. Spencer checks you’re with him and opens the door. 

The bar is busy even for a Saturday. You aren’t expecting the volume, the boisterousness of the patrons already slumped together over tables and waiting at the bar to get their drinks. It’s smaller than you’d pictured too, but its size is made up for with a patio at the back, smokers haunting the door, wary of the cold. 

You know what his friends look like already, yet seeing them in person is odd. Hotch is taller than you’d thought, Emily more startlingly pretty. JJ’s frowning, and her partner Will looks like he’s about to fall asleep despite a lazy grin. 

Hotch notices you first. He taps Emily on the elbow, who pauses in a thought to follow his gaze. Her face breaks into a smile, and if you weren’t in love with Spencer Reid, you might take a tumble for his pale coworker. 

“Hello,” Spencer says, ushering you to the table with an arm behind your back. 

“Hi,” you say. 

“He-llo,” Emily says, leaning into the table, a strand of her hair dangerously close to a short glass of juice. “I can’t believe we’re finally seeing you in person. I’m Emily.” 

“Y/N,” you say. 

“Aaron,” Hotch adds. (Aaron! He’s far more intimidating casually than as a boss, it seems.)

“Derek was just here,” JJ says in way of greeting, while Will drawls from over her shoulder, “I’m Will, it’s nice to meet you.” 

Spencer pulls out a chair for you and promptly sits in the one beside Emily. “Sorry we’re late. I forgot my wallet and we had to go back up to the apartment and the cab I called got so angry about it that he left.” 

You slide between the table and your chair, looking to Spencer for guidance, but he’s distracted taking his coat off and you have to look at Aaron instead. 

His smile is immediately knowing. Read for filth in seconds. “We don't bite.”

“Not so early in the evening,” Emily says. 

You take a shuddering breath, thankful they can’t hear it over the sounds of the bar. 

—

“I’m caught!” you exclaim. 

Spencer hugs you under the arms. “I know,” he says gently. 

“Caught!” 

He holds back a laugh as your arms react, practically flung behind his head in a hug that threatens to cut off the oxygen supply to his brain. “I think you’ve caught me, instead,” he says. 

You laugh in his ear. There’s gin on your breath and the sweeter smell of orange juice. It’s not bad, but weird to know it’s from your mouth. Or not weird. It gives Spencer a feeling like seeing the soft curve of your hip when you’re lying on your side. Like watching you bite your bottom lip when you’re distracted by the TV and worrying to yourself, which you do more often than not lately. They’re private things that Spencer shouldn’t know about. 

“I’m not trying to,” you say, and Spencer can smell the shot of vodka you did too, which is less pleasant. “Not trying to catch you. Not… I’m sorry.” 

“What for?” 

“It’s hard to explain.” 

Over your shoulder, Spencer spots Hotch’s entertained gaze. All the team has done since you sat down together was pick on Spencer and his obviousness. Boyfriend? they’d asked you. Looking? Sights set on someone? All while JJ nudged him under the table. 

Things are falling apart now. JJ’d departed to hold Emily’s hair back, and Will with her. Hotch caught the eye of a woman across the way, and they sit chatting amicably at the bar with more peanuts than drinks. Derek, when he did appear, stayed for an hour with Desiree, recounting to you his most embarrassing stories of which Spencer had taken care to shield you from, and laughed at his subsequent blush. 

He never wanted you to know about his run in with anthrax, and he especially didn’t want you to know he’d been stripped nude afterwards and hosed off like a muddy dog. 

You’d turned to him with wide, worried eyes. “You were poisoned?” you’d asked. 

It’s stuff like that that makes this difficult. 

“I don’t know if you know this,” he says now, rubbing your back, “but I’m good with difficult concepts.”

“I did not mean to be like this.” 

“You didn’t eat much.” Spencer helps you stand on your own two feet. “They kitchen’s still open. I can get you food, how about a burger? Or we can go find you something.“

“What kind of burger?” you ask, poorly concealing your excitement. 

Spencer gets you back to the table. “I’ll be right back.” 

“Wait, don’t go.” 

“I’m gonna get food. Do you want fries?” 

“Spencer, what if I throw up?” 

Spencer shrugs. “I can rub your back?” 

“I don’t want to throw up.” 

“Then drink that,” he says, sliding his glass of coke toward you. “Alcohol irritates the lining of your stomach and increases the production of stomach acid. If you drink,” —he flinches as you knock the cup back— “slowly you can dilute your stomach contents without upsetting it. Slowly,” he says, squeezing your hand, “I’ll order food.”

“No, wait.” You drop the glass and grab him. “Please don’t go. I don’t want to throw up by myself.” 

“You won’t throw up.”

“Please,” you say, holding his wrist in both hands, your eyes shiny. “Spencer, don’t go.” 

“I won’t.” He doesn’t know how true it is and then suddenly he’s sat down. He won’t go. He wouldn’t leave your side ever again if that’s what you asked of him. 

He puts your chairs together, entertaining your tipsy thoughts with light conversation and the occasional slight of hand. You have an aura about you, like Spencer’s doing more than close-up magic, hanging on his every word. Your nervousness had you gasping like a fish, not so subtly downing one drink, then another, but now that you’re feeling the effects of them (and a few extras), the tightness you’d held in your fingers is gone. You’re leaning against the back of the chair with all the ease of you on the couch at home, but the easy fondness you’d usually wear while he speaks is replaced by a bright and shining awe. A sweetness like he’s remarkable. The soft line of your lips and your widened eyes. 

You’re not the sort of drunk that leaves you listless and ready for bed. This is giggly and fun, and so long as you don’t push it you’ll be alright. It wasn’t enough alcohol to leave you inebriated all night, anyhow. In a few hours the giddiness will wear away, leaving you with a headache and a deep longing for your missed dinner. 

“I’m glad you didn’t let me fake food poisoning,” you say. 

“Is that what you were thinking? That’s a terrible excuse. You need something with sudden onset symptoms, like an asthma attack, or pneumonia. An acute illness.” 

You take his hand. “I love that you know that stuff.”

Feeling as in love with you as ever, and sorry for you drunken state —he could’ve stopped you, he just didn’t think— he folds your hands together, both of his, rubbing the hills of your knuckles with his thumb. Your hands look right together. 

That’s what Spencer likes to think, anyway. 

You slow like you’re tired, hand lax in his grips. Your mouth opens but nothing follows, no sigh or gripe or conversation. 

“You okay?” he asks softly. 

“I think I’m having one of those dreams again.” 

“You’re awake,” he says. 

“I don’t know about that. They’re all like this.” 

He hums, smoothing his thumb down the back of your hand. “If this were a dream, you wouldn't have control over what you’re doing. Why don’t you do something you wouldn’t do in a dream?” 

“Like what?” you ask. 

“There’s a ton of stuff you can’t do in dreams. People find they have a poor memory, but I can’t ask you to recall anything. You might not remember regardless. How about temperature?” he suggests. “Most people can’t feel warm or cold in their dreams. Do you want to feel something cold?”

You watch him for a few seconds, your eyebrows pulled together unhappily. “Your hands are warm,” you say. 

“Right.” He suspects they’ll feel warmer in just a few seconds when the hot flush in his face manages to work its way down. “I’m warm. So are you.” 

“Sometimes I feel like you’re warm in the dream, though. You make me feel warm.” 

“It’s remembered, maybe.” 

You don’t look any happier. “Sometimes I wish I could stop having them, but…” You duck your head. “Sorry, Spencer.” 

“What are you sorry for?” 

Your head ducks lower. With a start to his chest, your shoulders shake, like you're inhaling the first half of a sob. 

“Hey, hey,” he says, reaching for your cheek, ducking his own head to see you, “what’s wrong? It’s okay, you don’t have anything to be sorry for!” he whispers emphatically. “You have nothing to be sorry for, why would you think that?” 

“I keep having these dreams, all the time, and– and I– I’ll mess everything up. Everything we have, I’m going to–” You hiccup, eyes turned glassy, imploring him to forgive you for something you haven’t done. “I don’t feel good.” 

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” he says, his hand sliding back to your ear, down to your neck, “you’re just drunk. You’re confused.” 

“But the dreams–”

“What dreams?” he asks gently. 

You blow out a daunted breath. “Where you love me.” 

“I do love you.” 

“But more than this. You love me more than this,” you say, shaking your head. “I really don’t feel okay… Do you think we could go home?” 

You’re so sorry and frowny that Spencer would attempt, in all his unfitness, to climb Mount Everest for you should you ask. “Yeah, we can go home,” he says, rubbing your arm up and down and up again, a line of affection from shoulder to wrist. “I’ll take you home. It’s okay, Y/N. You don’t have to be upset, I shouldn’t have asked.” 

He’s not sure what he asked, really, but the answer upset you. His heart’s racing like he just sprinted the length of the bar and you’re close to tears, this strange weepy sullenness about you as you say, “It’s okay. Let’s just go.” 

—

It’s cold to be sitting out by yourself, though the snow stayed its hand another night while the temperature fell again. Your coat poses a weak defence against the chill, nipping at your nose, burning the insides of every breath, and your feet are stiff like ice in your shoes. Yet, the idea of returning to the apartment is a leaden stone in your stomach. 

Spencer could barely look at you that morning. You hadn’t given him much of a chance, slipping out of the apartment with little more than a call to say you’d be back later. Your groceries freeze in a paper bag by your feet. 

You’re not too embarrassed about getting tipsy. It was drinks with Spencer and his friends, not dinner. Emily had been twice as drunk, and Derek had encouraged you to drink with a round on him. You’re mortified, however, by what you’d said. Your memory is clear enough to know you’d told Spencer about your dreams. 

He’d been confused at the time, but he’s a smart boy. He’ll figure it out. 

“This headache,” you mumble, tipping your head into your hand morosely. You rub your brow, fingers against the ache, the cold getting worse. 

Why did it take a dream for you to realise you had feelings for Spencer? And why did you have to realise at all? If you’d never had that dream, never had that phantom bruise, his hands careful and caring and touching up to the band of your bra, you wouldn’t know now what it is to want him. The dream gave you a bruise, and Spencer presses against it real or otherwise every time he looks at you. You were wrong thinking that it never happened; it’s still there, a purple lash against your ribs. 

Every time he makes you breakfast, or he texts you from a different state, or he sits down on the couch just to talk to you. Every time he says something smart, or he tilts his head back as he laughs, or he draws a smiley face on the mirror by the door–

“About those dreams?” 

You rub your eyes hard. Of course he’d come to find you. “Please don’t.” 

“Please,” he says. You see him through your fingers. His thick scarf is unravelled at his neck, his hair ragged around his face like he’s been raking it repeatedly behind his ears. 

You straighten. 

“I don’t get it,” he says, “you’ve been dreaming about me? Why is that such a big deal?” 

“It’s embarrassing.” 

“I dream about you all the time,” he says. “We’re in each other's lives, we live together, it makes sense that your hippocampus would use me. You have a lot of memories with me.” Spencer crosses his arms in front of you. “It’s freezing.” 

“I’ll be home in a bit.”

“I’m not gonna go back without you,” he says, like that’s a given. 

You move across the bench to make room for him. Spencer sits. 

You settle. The occasional bus trundles past, a limited rota for an early Sunday morning. Spencer shoves his hands into his pockets. His lips are already turning blue. 

“I know you know what I mean,” you say. 

Spencer presses his knees together. “Even romantic dreams where I’m… where we’re together, it’s all easily explained away by brain science. You can’t control what you dream, and I’m not going to hold you to it.” 

Silence, silence. You tip your head back to see a horrible grey cloud closing in on you both, the sun a white and gauzy memory behind it. Spencer’s right about control, but he doesn’t get that you like them. It’s not fair to him that you’ve somehow rallied a second life when you’re sleeping, where he’s your mind’s puppet, hugging and holding you, pressing his cheek to the side of your face. Saying things you wish he’d tell you now. 

“Well, I like you.” 

“What?” you ask, coughing. 

“Not to make things awkward or anything, but I like you. Romantically.” Spencer’s voice takes a sharp veer into high-pitched freneticism. “Does that help at all?” 

“What?” 

“It’s far more embarrassing that I like you on purpose than your accidental dreams, right?” He thumbs at the inside of his wrist. “You don’t have to say anything, or think anything, and I’m not going to change, but I have feelings for you.”  

You feel like you’re standing at the top of a very tall building. “Oh?” 

“I kind of thought you knew.” 

“How could I know that?” you ask, cringing as a cold gust of air bites at your face. 

Spencer takes his scarf off and pushes it into your hands. “I don’t know. I guess we know less about each other than we thought.”

The way he says it. 

Spencer wraps his scarf around you when it’s clear you aren’t going to do it yourself, and he touches your cheek briefly, a brush of his fingers like he thinks he’s doing something he shouldn’t be allowed to. 

“I dream about you all the time,” he says quietly. 

A bus passes by and shines headlights at your feet. The wind blows, your ears roar, and just above you, in a cold front to mark the season, snow begins to fall. 

You look up simultaneously. A snowflake gets caught in Spencer’s eyelashes. 

Just one. 

“This is so weird,” you mumble. 

Spencer wipes at his eye. “Could you tell me why?” 

“I had a dream just like this.” 

He laughs warmly. “Of course you did. Forget all reason, then. You’re prophetic.” 

“I don’t think I could’ve predicted this.” 

“Why? It’s only snow. Virginia gets an inch of snow most Decembers.” 

You laugh. In a dream, this is where you and Spencer would kiss or hold hands, or rest your cheek on the other’s shoulder, but neither of you are brave enough. And, as the snow turns to a sleet below freezing, you can’t ignore the cold. 

—

iv. the end 

The longest anyone has ever slept in recorded human history is eleven days. Two hundred and sixty four hours, or nearly sixteen thousand minutes, just shy of one million seconds of sleep. 

The first pillow was invented in Mesopotamia more than nine thousand years ago, in a time where the amount of pillows a person had directly correlated their personal riches. The history of pillows is tumultuous and eclectic. Headrests made of wood, stone, or jade. Curved neck holders worn soft with use. 

And, of all Spencer’s gifted facts, you find yourself circling back to the same one as you wait for him to wake: most dreams are no longer than twenty minutes. However, it’s important to note that the longest dream ever officially observed was in 1994, when a man managed to be in REM for just over three hours. You’ve had dreams that felt like they lasted for hours, but likely took place for just twenty minutes. If you could dream for three hours a night, you could live an entire life of longing in a pocket of time. 

Thankfully, you have no need to hide from reality anymore. Spencer sleeps beside you and you don’t want to sleep, you just want him to wake up. 

“Good morning,” you whisper, drawing your fingertip across his cheek to encourage the hair that’s fallen there back in line. 

He doesn’t stir. It’s alright, you hadn’t meant to wake him. 

“I love you,” you whisper, shuffling across the sheets to feel the heat and weight of his body against your own. He doesn’t move for a while, snoring gently, his breath kissing the top of your head as you burrow into the slip of space under his chin. Then, as if he were awake, he wraps his arm around you and drags you in further. His face angles down and his nose finds your forehead, and a hum of what you’d personally say is content kisses your brow. 

You tuck your hand behind his back and rub a circle. 

Spencer didn’t last long after the initial realisation of requited feelings. In a day he’d asked if you wanted to be his girlfriend (vaguely apologetic, still worried about scaring you, though you’d already come clean about wanting him as you’d warmed your cold hands by the stove). A week later he kissed you on a date outside of the cosiest Indian restaurant in Washington, D.C, and things have been nothing but smooth sailing from there. 

Now, when he’s feeling romantic, he brings home butter chicken and turns your face up for kissing, fork in hand. Every night before bed, he tells you to have good dreams, a self-satisfaction in his eyes that you dearly love. 

You knew he was a dork and you liked him because of it, but the sheer increase in him is amazing. Yesterday he sent you Close to You by Carpenters over text claiming they wrote it about you. When he got home, he tried to make you dance with him in the living room. After two or three kisses, you’d let him pull you to your feet. 

Spencer has turned loving one another into an everyday spectacularity, and not some mystical dream you ached for. 

He squeezes the skin of your shoulder as he wakes. Heavy in the hands of sleep, Spencer rubs the tip of his nose to yours, nudging your face up, and waiting there with your lips a few millimetres apart as he finds his bearings. You don’t open your eyes. There’s no need. 

“Time?” he mumbles.

“I don’t,” —you clear your hoarse voice, his hand flattening protectively behind you— “know, um. Maybe seven. The sun was rising…” 

“You could have woken me up,” he says, and kisses you slowly. It’s almost gluttonous, how he does it. Not chaste at all. His hair falls into your face and tickles your cheeks, his nose smushes your own with his easy depth. 

You hold his face and kiss him twice, following a line under his chin, where you pause, smelling yesterday's cologne on his skin. “I was hoping I’d fall asleep again,” you confess. 

“Oh, no, don’t do that.” He scoops you against him and turns onto his back as you laugh. “Angel. Let’s stay up now. Let’s just… stay here.” 

If you stay here he’s going to waylay you with a smattering of his voracious kisses, and he’s going to turn you on your back and kiss your neck. He’ll touch that place on your ribs where you’d once dreamt a bruise. It’s a secret you couldn’t keep. He likes to kiss you there when he remembers, but most of the time his hands run along it without mention. A slow caressing. 

You push your face against his shoulder and sigh as his arms close in around you. With a little effort, you get your arms around him in turn, and you hug him for as long as you can stand the pins and needles in your fingers. 

“You smell so good,” you mumble.

He pats your back absentmindedly. 

Today, you’re going to make Spencer oatmeal with banana and chocolate. You’re going to shower, maybe together if the small space can handle it, laughing at the soap in his eyebrows and the way he squeals when you touch his hips. You’re going to drape yourself across his lap as he reads, and he’ll lean down to kiss the tip of your nose or some other strange part of you unused to affection. The top of your ear, the palm of your hand, maybe the crook of your elbow. He’ll ramble through dinner or creep up behind you to sniff your shoulder, and it’ll all be choices you’ve made. Nothing left to want or wanting, but being in love while wide awake. 

“Are you tired?” you ask him. 

He takes a deep breath of your hair. “No,” he says, drawing a light line up your side, “I’m okay. There are worse faces to wake up to.”

You try not to fluster noticeably. He’s always been a good roommate. You’re still getting used to the boyfriend part, the intimacy of being complimented, but Spencer seems to have slipped into the part easily.

“Sorry, that was mean. There’s nothing I’d rather wake up to.” 

“Thanks,” you mumble. 

You’re tired, suddenly. The minutes pass in heavy blinks —you don’t want to sleep now that he’s awake, but being here with him is warming you from the inside out.  You doze and wake and Spencer doesn’t say a word. His breaths come evenly against your cheek. 

Eventually, he clears his throat, asksing, “Did you dream at all?” His voice is hewn. He rubs your chest, right over your heart.

”I’m not so sure that this isn’t one,” you say, your heartbeat a crawl under his touch.

“That’s corny.” 

“Mm, the Spencer in my dreams is usually kinder.” 

“Does he ever get to hold you like this?” he asks, letting his hand fall from your chest to wrap it back around you again. 

You take a sleepy breath in. “No,” you say slowly, “he doesn’t.”

｡𖦹°‧⭑.

thank youuuu for reading!! please like comment or reblog if you enjoyed!! thank you❤️

this fic was requested! I usually link to the request I was sent at the top, but I lost the post for this one, but this is what the request said: 

“hi angel! i have a request for roommate!spencer where r has a very romantic dream about him and starts avoiding him because she's really embarrassed but spencer is so confused as to why his roommate suddenly can't even look him in the eye. maybe one of them realizes their feelings aren't entirely platonic in the end? love you!!!”

thank you original requester!