#the feeling of something being Deeply Wrong | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

endearng · 1 day ago

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Out of reach

Pairing: earlyseasons!Spencer Reid x hotchner!fem!reader Summary: You pull away from Spencer because of your jealousy. You go back to him after a few drinks in. WC: 9k A/N: fluff! pining! idiots/friends to lovers! alcohol consumption; spencer is a bit mean; reader doesn't communicate; hotch is a little older to have a daughter around spencer's age (do not come at me this is fiction). If I missed anything, please let me know! I had so much fun writing this one and it's now one of my favorites <3 masterlist

The jet was quiet as you and the BAU team made your way back from Los Angeles after successfully finding Lila Archer's stalker. The case had been a bit draining, after all, you've only been working with the FBI for a couple of months, and seeing dead bodies and all those other displays of violence was something you were still trying to get used to. Despite your sensitive nature, being Aaron Hotchner's daughter meant that you had mastered the art of a poker face through the years, not that it meant that your inner feelings were any less important. This is how you found yourself sitting all alone in a corner of the jet as everyone minded their own business. On any other day, you'd be sitting next to Dr. Spencer Reid, talking about whatever it was that could get your mind off the case you had just wrapped up. Spencer and you were friends, some would even say the best of friends, but you didn't mind about naming things — what mattered the most is that you got to be yourself around him and you didn't bother hiding behind the Hotchner glare, as he once put it.

Despite being unknown territory for you, after all, feelings and all that were protected by a deeply analytic and practical mind, you knew what you were feeling. Well, you were analyzing your reactions to check what had actually happened — and the thing is, you couldn't admit, not even to yourself, what that sinking feeling in your chest when you watched Spencer saying goodbye to Lila was. Amid your analysis, Spencer quietly approached you, silently motioning to the seat next to you. You nodded, shutting every single thought of him. Or at least, trying.

"Hi."

Hotch glare. "Hi, Reid."

Spencer felt nervous. He had never been on the receiving end of your… wrath before, so it was unknown territory and he didn't know how to act. His racing heart and clammy palms weren't helping him, either. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Listen, um, you... can... can we talk?" The stammering. Way to go, Spencer.

Glancing at him, ignoring the skip in your heartbeat, you nodded. "Yeah. Is everything alright?" A firm, secure tone. You mentally patted yourself on the back.

"You're a little distant... and—and I got a bit worried. Did... Did something happen?" He wanted to kick himself. What kind of person can't hold a serious conversation without stuttering like an idiot? Get a grip, Reid.

"No, Reid. Everything is alright. I'm just... thinking." You said.

Bullshit. You both knew that. Spencer, on the other hand, didn't know why it was bullshit. But he knew it was.

"Are you sure?" He asked, leaning towards you, almost invading your personal space and he shut his eyes before delivering the next question, "Is... I haven't done anything to upset you? Right?"

You took a second to answer him, willing your voice to stay still and the knot in your throat to go away. "No. It's nothing you've done. It's just... it's on me." You gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes — that's when he knew something was definitely wrong.

He nodded, but he was still worried by your sudden change of behavior, especially towards him. It was like he was anyone else, again. And, God, he didn't want that. "What is it, then? You can talk to me, you know. We're best friends."

Best friends.

The words felt bitter on his tongue. The sound of them broke your heart all over again.

Best friends. "Right. Yeah. I know." You said, quietly, and it felt a little lifeless to him. He clenched his hand, fighting the urge to touch you, to ask you what was truly bothering you. "Thanks for offering."

Spencer felt conflicted. If he didn't say anything and didn't push you to speak, you would probably bury whatever it was that you were feeling and it would lead him into being even more worried about you. If he did, you would probably snap at him because of his undesired, bothersome insistence. "It's nothing." He said, defeatedly. "Can you just... Do you promise it's not me?"

Your heart ached and you smiled at him, a tiny, faint, barely there smile. He was so adorable, sometimes. "I'm just upset over something else. Don’t worry. You didn't do anything wrong." You finished, trying to convince yourself that he had not, indeed, done something wrong.

And he didn't. He didn't. You and Spencer, despite your proximity and sometimes incredibly ambiguous relationship, hadn't said anything about deeper feelings towards one another. You let yourself admire him, lovingly, from afar, and were happy with the snippets of attention you had from him when you two had some free time. You two were regulars in the coffee shop near his apartment and, by now, the local librarian, Mrs. Jones, could probably fake your signature from how often you two went there to borrow books. She would watch you two behind the bookshelves, whispering excitedly and curiously to each other about whatever suggestions you were getting from each other. As you missed Spencer's longing glances to read a summary, Mrs. Jones smiled to herself, both at how adorable you two were and how oblivious you were. In museums, you would sit down after some time walking around to his explanations of art and historical movements that impacted the expression of a certain age — you pretended to not know a few things, just so he could speak his heart away and not be interrupted by your own contributions.

You kept silent to make him happy.

Which was exactly what was happening now.

Spencer knew, for sure, that you were hiding something from him. But he also knew that he had no right to force it out. He fidgeted awkwardly, not knowing what to do with his hands, his heart still clenching. “But, but... you’d come to me if you needed help, right?”

You nodded, unable to speak. You knew you were wrong, omitting things from him. Just as the guilt was starting to weigh in your heart, Derek passed by you two with a magazine in his hands, throwing it at Spencer, exclaiming, "My man!"

You looked down, already knowing what it was. Spencer was a mess beside you: blushing, stuttering, avoiding your and Derek's gaze and throwing the magazine as far as he could, like it had burned him. Your reaction was a subtle twitch of your lips, not in amusement, but in need to disguise the pang in your heart. You both spent the rest of the flight sitting in silence, simply being in each other's orbit. You, guiltily. Spencer, worriedly.

Your reaction — or lack of — was staggering to Spencer. He thought you two were getting somewhere, despite your closed off nature and demeanor, he thought he was finally cracking you up. Everyday was torture, seeing you walk through the bullpen's glass doors with your professional clothes and your composed figure. It was torture to see you walk around so prettily and serious, holding his bare heart in your hands, and not even realizing it. By now, he lived and thrived on those rare opportunities you had to spend time together as he became more and more covered in you.

As the jet landed and Spencer walked out to talk to Derek, you pettily made sure to step on Lila Archer's face when leaving the jet in sheer frustration.

Back to the bullpen, you had gone to the restroom to splash some water on your face in order to calm your nerves and to tell yourself that it was only a matter of time until things got back to normal — until you got back to normal. Glancing at your reflection in the mirror, you wondered if Spencer could tell that there was something wrong with you, if you had let any of your feelings slip during your short conversation. The version of you that stared back was as impassible as you ever were. As you made your way to your desk in the dimly lit sea of desks, you caught Spencer and Derek talking, both having their backs to you.

Sighing, you just left the headquarters, not wanting to know what they were discussing, or rather, knowing what they were discussing, but unwilling to stay, even if it would quench your curiosity as to what Spencer had been thinking.

Maybe you didn't want to know the answer.

—

The days went by, cases coming left and right, flights making you almost dizzy — not that you would admit, but you were terrified of heights. Between those and your training, you barely had time to think about Spencer and the entire Lila occasion. You spent your days busy with work, studies and physical training in order to keep your mind away from that, but as you lay awake at night, the memories would come back to haunt you relentlessly to the point you had recurring dreams of them. Together, as you watched from the sidelines. You kept to yourself, slipping further and further away from Spencer.

Reid, on the other hand, felt your absence more than anyone. You took a rain check on all the invitations he made, even when he invited you to movie night, when he would definitely choose a Russian movie because you mentioned once how you liked how the language sounds. There wasn't any more donuts on his desk as he arrived in the morning (he would always joke that you and your father secretly lived in the headquarters and that someday he would see Haley bringing your groceries to the secret house), and there was no one for him to throw his paper airplanes, small flashcards with the Russian phonological alphabet, at. The change in your behavior was absurdly clear to everyone: you barely called or texted him anymore, you didn't look his way when someone told a joke to check if he thought it was funny... He was sulking, to say the least. Upon questioning you, you blamed your lack of free time and as he was going to question you further, you said in a teasing tone that not everyone was like him and that the FBI was actually making you go through all the training phases.

Finally, during the end of a particularly frustrating workday, he finally snapped, grabbing your arm before you could enter the elevator. It was only you and him in the otherwise empty hallway. "Ok. What's been going on? And don't," he said, closing his eyes, "don't dance around the subject. Don't say it's the Academy. Don't say you have to work. Don't. Please, be honest with me."

The exasperation in his eyes and in his tone almost broke the wall that hid your true feelings, but as you glanced at him, you figured you couldn't do it. Be honest? What for? To hear that you're nothing more than his best friend? Losing said friend was not an option, not to you, at least. But you also knew that you weren't treating him right, that keeping him out was not at all fair to him, that leaving him in the dark was as hurtful as it would be to lose him.

Breathing deeply, you answered with the same stoic expression you wore every single damn day. "I told you, Reid. People go through different, busier times in their lives." The lie tasted like acid.

Spencer clenched his teeth, frustration and confusion beginning to override some of his social anxieties. “That! That!” He asked through clenched teeth, his gaze intense.

"That what?" You asked, puzzled.

"You... you stopped calling me 'Spence'—not that you did it often, you did it more when we were all alone, and it... it sucks! It sucks because I don't know what happened or what I did that was so wrong to make you stop liking me!"

Come on, just say something! Get angry, get sad, get something!, his mind screamed.

"I never stopped liking you," you said, looking away from him. His words hit a particular spot that you were totally willing to discover later, but the mere thought that he knew that you liked him more than as a friend made you shiver.

"That's not the point! Or—or rather, it is! Because if you didn't stop liking me, why would you act like you did?" He asked, his tone rising a bit.

"Calm down."

"Calm down? I will not calm down!" He almost yelled. His eyes widened slightly, disbelief clear in his features and tone, not to mention the frustration. "Just. Please.” He said, closing his eyes, willing himself to tone it down, not that it worked... “Tell me what you're thinking, what happened to you! For once! Any normal person would react and stop acting like an emotionless robot!"

You gaped like a fish out of water, taking a small step back, his words digging a hole in your heart. Upon hearing his own words and noticing you distancing yourself from him, all the anger vanished from his body. The widened eyes were a sign of realization of what he had said to you. During the early months of friendship, you had confided in him that you struggled with portraying emotion like others normally did. Maybe it had something to do with growing up with a father who did it so perfectly when he was out of the house. When he wasn't actively playing the ‘dad’ part, Aaron Hotchner would wear an unreadable mask like it was his armor, his defense from the outer world, but as soon as he got home, he was back to his main role. You would watch him with his coworkers and mimic him perfectly to make him laugh. At some point, making fun of and imitating his demeanor had become some serious form of self-defense for you. Spencer, then, joked that you were making your way to the perfect job, but then he had gotten serious and told you that it wasn't a flaw. That it wasn't a problem that you kept deeply to yourself sometimes — that it was okay to be yourself around him. You had felt safe by his side since then.

But now, what did those words mean? Were they lies?

He breathed out your name, softly, "I... I... I'm sorry."

"Just drop it," you replied, pushing the elevator button. Your dismissive tone and your action of leaving made Spencer feel utterly desolate, like he had done the wrongest thing in the world and perhaps he had, but he just wanted you to let him in. For once, he wanted to have the answers from your lips, not spend any more time analyzing your every single action and words...

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"You know, Spencer…" he looked up at you when he heard his name, as you held out an arm to hold the elevator doors open. As if thinking better than to say anything, you sighed and turned to enter the elevator, shaking your head with the most disappointed look he had ever seen on your face.

Spencer tried looking at you one last time before the elevator doors closed, and despite your face being as unreadable as it often was, he saw a flicker of sadness that stung his heart more than he liked to admit. If he hadn't done anything wrong before, now he had utterly fucked everything up.

—

The drive home, for Spencer, was a torture. He knew that he had to pay attention to the road ahead of him, to the other vehicles and drivers, but his mind kept drifting to the last glimpse of you back in the headquarters. Your empty eyes appeared behind his eyelids every time he pressed his eyes closed. He willed himself not to cry, to not blur his vision, taking his frustration out on the steering wheel, where his grip was so tight that his knuckles turned white. As he parked his car and looked up to one of his windows, he remembered you. Because of course he would remember you.

The sight was almost comical, to be honest. You, clad in one of the suits that fitted you so well, sitting on his windowsill, a cup of green tea in hands as you stared out the window, trying to analyze every single drop of rain before it reached somewhere outside your vision range. The funny thing was that you had no shoes on, instead, Spencer lent you a mismatched pair, not being one used to having people over, he didn't have a pair of spare slippers. Then, you sat there with a dinosaur-pattern sock on one foot and a striped-pattern sock on the other.

Spencer, sitting on his sofa and holding his own cup (he had let you choose your mug and stayed quiet when you pointed quietly at his favorite), smiled to himself. It was weirdly calming seeing you out of your character, doing something so... human.

"I can feel you staring, you know," you said. And your tone was almost... teasing?

"Right. Sorry." He said, looking down at his steaming tea.

"I'm not scolding you," you said, turning to look at his direction with a grin.

"Right, no—heh..." he replied, bashfully, cheeks reddening at the sight of your smile.

If only you knew... how many hours he would lay awake at night, as thoughts swirled in his head, how everything seemed to shut down at the thought of you. How he would fall asleep to the wish of being on the receiving end of one of your rare smiles, how he appreciated that you were always the first one he talked to upon his arrival at the headquarters. How... how he would do anything for you to look at him under a different light.

Seemingly out of nowhere, you giggled. Everything stopped.

Spencer.exe has stopped working.

"Heheh—I guess... It's not everyday you get to see a Hotchner so out of its—heheh—habitat." You quipped, looking at him with a smile on your face.

Suddenly, Spencer lost his voice. The connection between his brain and his tongue, which felt heavy, disappeared. Completely speechless, eyes slightly wide at the sound of your laughter. It made you laugh a bit more, but when his stare and open mouth got too much to handle, you looked down at your feet, wiggling your toes to distract yourself from the intensity of his gaze full of awe. Then, Spencer got back to his senses, smiling at you as you missed it to look away in embarrassment.

Spencer blinked away the tears and left his car, entering his apartment. As he took off his shoes, he let the tears fall at the sight of your windowsill.

—

Meanwhile, you were getting wasted at some bar. Not just any bar, but the one you usually went with Spencer when you were feeling daring and wanted a change from the places where you both used to go to. You were a bit of a lightweight, so a couple of drinks were enough for you to start playing trivia with Spencer and let your gaze linger for longer, basking in the sight of him so carefree, having fun with you.

Upon your arrival, the bartender that usually took care of your orders, MJ, greeted you with a smile. When she saw no one was joining you, she frowned. "Good evening, Hotch. Where's loverboy?"

You sent her a look, but since you were letting your guard down, after all, there were no acquaintances or friends around, you didn't know if the look came out as a glare or if you looked like a kicked puppy. She snorted. "Gee... That bad, huh?" She asked, and you didn't answer again, though you muttered a soft thanks, MJ when she gave you your go-to drink.

And it turned into two drinks. Three. Four...

(MJ was now giving you alcohol-free drinks, too worried for your well-being. You and Spencer started to grow on her as you two kept coming back.)

You rested your chin on your left hand while you traced patterns with your right index finger on the counter. MJ was eyeing you suspiciously, drying a few glasses with a washcloth. "He kissed another girl." You admitted, quietly.

"No way." She gasped.

"Way."

"But... I thought you two were a thing." MJ was baffled, placing down the objects she was holding in sheer shock. "I always thought you two were like... together for years."

"We were a thing.... I think, at least... I don't know, MJ." You sighed, tucking a stray of hair behind your ear. Looking up at her, hazy eyes taking in her focused expression, you sniffled, "we were on this case and then he met a girl and then the next moment the two of them were making out in a pool. In a freaking pool."

She tsked, anger flashing in her eyes, "I swear, those nerdy guys are the worst."

"Yeah..." You muttered, fiddling with your straw. "Can I have another one?"

She pursed her lips, but she relented. Then, as she handed you the liquid, a guy sat next to you. Did he look like Spencer or were you already hallucinating?

"Hi. I'm Dave. Can I buy you a drink...?" He asked with a small smile, wanting to know your name.

No, not Spencer. It’s cool.

"Hi, I..."

MJ cut you off. "Hey, Dave, I think she had too much to drink already."

They exchanged looks and it took you a minute to feel offended by her interruption and knowing you were perfectly capable of speaking for yourself, but realizing you would probably have to entertain a stranger, you felt grateful for it.

Dave left with a sour smile. "Thanks." You muttered, again, looking at MJ.

"Do you need me to get you a cab, honey?"

"That would be great." You said, placing money bills to pay for your drinks and the tip.

MJ looked around to spot someone to keep an eye on the bar as she led you out of the place, hand never leaving your shoulder. As she called a cab, she made you stand on only one leg to make sure you weren't gonna need her to go with you. You scoffed, but obeyed her all the same, with a low snicker. As you two waited for the cab driver, a woman who MJ trusted with her life (and her favorite regulars), you tried to make conversation to make up for embarrassing yourself by talking about Spencer with someone. How pathetic.

"So, what does MJ stand for?"

She chuckled, shaking her head at you and at your dazed eyes. "That's classified information."

"I'm familiar with that."

The cab driver, Paula, arrived. She greeted the both of you with a smile and a cheerful good evening! As you entered the vehicle, you rolled the windows down and pressed the subject further, "Seriously, is it Mary Jane or were your parents more creative?"

She rolled your eyes at you, shaking her head. "It's Mary Jane. MJ because who would take me seriously?"

You smiled. "I like the shoes!"

Paula started driving slowly, just to let other drivers drop their own passengers, as you were lost in your own little world, serious expression taking over your face again, not wavering, as you delved deeper into the whirlwind of thoughts plaguing your head. Paula, looking at you through the rear-view mirror, asked, "Is everything okay, honey?"

You buckled your seatbelt. "Yes, yes. Just... keep driving slowly, please."

"Where to?"

Only then you realized you never gave her an address. Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you gave her Spencer's, telling her you were going home.

—

An unknown number had sent Spencer a couple of messages.

[8:32 p.m.] Lovergirl is here, drinking all by herself.

[8:32 p.m.] Water, but still. I'm not having her passed out without you here.

[8:40 p.m.] Sent her home, people were starting to approach.

Throughout the time he had spent with you at the bar, the two of you exchanged numbers with MJ in case she needed your help — you know, being FBI agents and whatnot. But Spencer didn't need to see her name to know it was her and she was talking about you; 'lovergirl' and 'passed out without you here' gave him clue enough. His stomach tied in knots when he read that people were starting to approach her, the nagging feeling that the image conjured in his mind was making him feel almost sick, then, it hit him like a truck: Lila Archer.

Their… case? was as fleeting as a careless glance. To be honest, Spencer accepted her advances to spite you for having such power over him, even if unknowingly so. The young agent felt like you were so out of his league, so out of reach — you were all that pile of confidence and stoicism and pure lusciousness and everything to him. And he was a young guy who truly had barely been kissed so far. How could he approach you, charm his way into your heart, especially when you barely bared it? With Lila, it was... nice. Easy, even. It was nice being wanted, to be able to read her intentions and desires like a children's book. With you, it was a tantalizing challenge, one he was, for the first time, struggling with. It was not like having a high-school crush, not like pining over the untouchable girls that would catch his interest as he grew older. No. This was something new. You had hit him deeper than ever or anyone before.

Plus, as much as he hated to admit it, he gave room to the anxious thoughts regarding your father as well. Would it affect his relationship with his superior? Would it affect your relationship with your father? Spencer felt dizzy just by the mere thought of ruining something uniquely yours. No, he couldn't impose himself on your life like that. It was mean, it was wrong, it was immoral.

To want, to desire, is to be selfish.

It was a bold assumption. To think you were jealous of him. Nevertheless, the signs were all there, had been all along. He was just dumb and scared enough of making assumptions.

A barely there, faint sound of a knock on his door made Spencer fly out of his bed, dropping his phone on the bedroom floor, but he didn't pick it up. He had a suspicion as to who could be knocking on his door, but he was too scared of assuming anything. Again. Opening the door, he saw you, breathing a bit heavily. The stairs, he supposed. You always complained about them. Once you exchanged looks, Spencer’s surprised one and your earnest one, you asked, "Do you really think I'm a robot?"

Shit. He could feel his heart breaking in a million little pieces. The insecure edge of your voice and words made him squeeze his eyes shut; in his mind, he was kicking himself simultaneously as he sank down to his knees, on your feet, begging you to forgive and forget his dumb, stupid, frustrated, unrealistic words.

"No," he breathed out, wincing, almost as if he was in physical pain. "I—I didn't mean to talk about you like that. I was..."

"Frustrated?"

He nodded, silently, eyes never leaving your face. Your speech, albeit way out of the ordinary that he was used to, was flawless. If not by the dilated pupils and the faint smell of alcohol, not to mention MJ's texts, he would dare to say you were perfectly sober. "I was, too." You admitted, looking down.

Spencer made way for you to enter his apartment. He watched as you kicked your shoes off. The sight, that had become as common as the act of breathing, made his way flutter. You intended on staying. Or so he hoped. You walked further into the place, noticing everything as it ever was, as if you hadn't been to his apartment for some time now. "You must be thinking why I'm here," you said, moving to sit on the couch and mentioning him to sit on the small coffee table in front of you, as if you owned the place, and not him.

Perhaps it was true.

He closed the door once you were inside, hesitating for a moment before joining you. He kept noticing things about you; the way you were walking, the way you could barely look him in the eye, the way you looked… “How much did you have to drink?” He asked, quietly.

"Not much. You know I don't usually drink because I can’t hold my drinks. And I'm sure MJ was giving me plain water at some point." You said, looking up at him. Well, at least, your speech flawlessly delivered, even though you were moving a bit more… disoriented than usual. She's totally a Hotchner.

"I... I am," he started, sitting in front of you carefully. "I... I'm sorry. It's just... You've never been so distant. I guess that I was mean to you to elicit some reaction."

Your analytical gaze softened upon his confession. You needed to give him some break, be a little easy on him. Well, easier than you were being as of lately. Nodding lightly, you added, "I'm here to apologize, too. I know... I know that I pushed you away and I made you think that... that that was your fault. It's not."

He froze. No, he wouldn't have you taking the blame for how his actions caused you to react. He looked up at you, reaching out a hand to touch your intertwined ones, "It is."

"Hear me out. Please." You said, lowly, not breaking eye contact. This was so hard, and you had never felt so afraid before. How ironic — to be afraid of being brave. "I... I guess that by now you know why I pulled away."

"I do," he admitted, nervously. "It took me some time, but I... I think I figured you out."

You looked down, embarrassed. It was overwhelming for him to see you portray such different and so many emotions all at once. To you, it was as agonizing as it was freeing. "Well, yes. So... It, um, it wasn't fair. We... we are not something. We are not a thing."

His heart, doing all the thinking and feeling, nearly stopped. As if it wasn't enough, you kept on going, "I'm sorry, I truly am, for how I behaved and how I made you feel by being absent. It's... it's not my place. You have your own life, Reid. I can't be upset with you for making decisions. You're a grown man..." you sighed, glancing at every direction but at him. "I know that I'm wrong, okay? And I know that I shouldn't have pushed you away, nor should I have kept my feelings from you."

Spencer drew in a long breath. He didn't know what to say, but you couldn't be more wrong. All at once, he wanted to scream, but he didn't know what ro say; he wanted to run, but he didn't want to leave you alone — not for a second. He didn't ever want you out of his sight; he didn't want to be the one you were apologizing to, hell, he wanted everything to be okay between them, but it was nice that she was talking to him, finally.

"I..."

Every time he thought he could say something, words failed him. Then, you took it as another opportunity to word-vomit everything you've been feeling. "I was... I was jealous. I didn't like to see that. I didn't like that it happened. But I also know that I have no right to be upset with you because you're single and she's attractive and you're both consenting and willing to do whatever you please, so..." You shrugged as if speaking those words aloud didn't stab new holes in your heart.

Spencer looked at you, totally speechless. It made you snicker. And speak further. Shut up, you idiot. Please, please, please! "And, ah—hahahah—I guess I am, indeed, a bit of a robot because it took me a bit of alcohol to pluck up the courage to come here and totally—hic—destroy our friendship by telling you I love you so much; that I'd hate to see you with anyone other than me. It happened and I hated it. It still stings."

Spencer's heart threatened to fail once again. Your giggles, your words, your confession... His mind completely short-circuited. She loved him. She loved him? She loved him?!?!???!!! That’s what she’d just said, apparently. Okay, calm down. And she’d been jealous. She didn’t like him kissing another woman, because she fucking loved him. Say something, you dumb idiot, his brain shrieked. Say something!

You parted your lips to say something else, but apparently decided against it. Another beat of silence of Spencer staring dumbly at you. "I'm going," you blurted out, standing up.

Spencer, at breakneck speed, stood up as well to stop you from walking away, placing his hands tentatively on your shoulders. Your bodies were now apart by mere inches. "No." His voice was so small and pained that you sat back down.

Despite your apparent willingness, your next words told him about your turmoil. "Why would I stay, Spencer? I've been pouring my heart out to you and you haven't said a thing."

Looking at you, so bare and so vulnerable, Spencer suddenly had flashbacks from when he had lashed out on you earlier and simultaneously fought the feelings that were bubbling inside of him upon your confession. Couldn't you see the sheer shock on his face? Couldn't you see that he was battling against every single bit of self restraint not to pull you into his embrace and make you believe him when he would tell you that you were the only woman for him?

Sure, he had dreamed of you saying those words to him countless times as time went by and you two got closer. Shit, he literally dreamed of it. Of you. Speaking sweet nothings to him... He broke out of his daze, realizing that he was deadly silent, "Don't go..."

"Then say something. I'm here. Not as Hotch's daughter, not as your coworker, not as a part of the team you work with. I'm here as the woman in whose heart you've grown over the last few months. I'm terrified of your answer and you keep depriving me of it." There was a hint of annoyance and hurry on your voice, and he could understand you, he truly could. He just didn't... he lost his voice when he looked at you.

Saying your name softly, he beginned, “I said stupid, untrue things, and I’m sorry. I’m a jerk, and I know that I’m a jerk and—" You quirked your eyebrow and he took a deep breath, trying to cut his rant. "Just... don't sit there and think that I have nothing to say."

"Have you said it?" You pressed it, quirking an eyebrow.

"No." He admitted, widening his eyes a bit as he realized his mistake.

At the same time, you shot, "Not saying something is also an answer for me—"

"—but not for the reasons you're thinking! Do you know how hard it is for me right now?" Spencer was starting to sound very desperate and pathetic, not to mention the fact that he wasn't answering your questions.

Deep breaths (from both ends).

"Look, Reid..." He glared at you upon hearing his last name. "I think I should go home. You and I clearly need some space—"

"What we need to do is talk."

You sighed. "Then why won't you give me an answer?"

Silence.

"You won't even remember this in the morning."

At that, you deemed yourself utterly defeated. This was useless. "I'm sorry I came over. I'm... I'll just go, okay? Please, don't be upset about tonight. I apologize in advance."

The sight of her, once more shying away from him and turning to escape from him, was making Spencer frustrated, with himself, to no end. His heart clenched at your apology, to which he shook his head vehemently. The thing is, he wanted to get ready to answer you, properly, just like he always had some trick up his sleeve or some funny or curious fact to blurt during the most random moments. Spencer was good at speaking, but only when the speech was already ingrained into his mind, something he had read or rehearsed before. Plus, he was sure your state of drunkenness would stop you from remembering that moment.

Spencer dashed to his door, barely stopping you. No, no, no, no, no... She can't leave. This might be my only chance. "You're not going anywhere."

"Excuse me?"

"Stay with me. I don't want you to go." He said, softly, slowly, looking straight into your eyes. It made you dizzy. Either that or the alcohol.

"No?"

"Y-you're drunk and I... I don't think it's safe for you to go by yourself and it's late and... and..." he trailed off, nervously, desperate to get you to stay.

"I'm not drunk."

"You're not fooling me. You might be as concise as ever but you're not sober. Stay."

"Promise... promise you won't be upset with me?"

His heart dropped, heavy with guilt. And with love for you. "I promise."

Spencer silently led you back to the couch, gingerly holding your hand. He felt dazzled, speechless, desperate, frustrated, all at once. But your touch was starting to ground him back to reality, where you were real, having confessed your feelings for him, and he was a mess, not even being able to say anything back. Without much thinking, he said, "You should stay over tonight."

"Okay... I'll take the couch."

"As if I'd let you sleep on the couch."

"It's okay."

"Stop... stop acting like I sent you away."

You kept silent. You felt like he did. Through his touch, he hoped to get you to understand that his feelings were a mess, but they existed, and they were real, and they were yours. "That'd be alright with me, you know. Taking your couch. I think I would sleep better on your floor than I would ever in my bed. To... to say that anything is better if you're somehow involved."

His stomach made a flip-flop. Brain short-circuited again. You yawned, as if you had just made an annoying comment on the weather.

"Are you tired?" He managed to mutter.

"I am."

"Come on. Let's get you to bed."

"No."

"What do you mean 'no'? I'm not letting you on the couch. Come on."

"I can't go to your bed with outside clothes." You booped his nose.

He chuckled lowly, confused a little by your words. "Are you seriously worried about clothes?"

"You don't like germs. That's why I removed my shoes."

Okay, he thought, if I manage to put her to sleep without having a heart attack, I definitely don't need a cardiologist's appointment because it would mean I'm that strong.

"Y-you... remembered?" Damn it, Reid. Stop stuttering.

You sighed, tiredly, and rested your head on his shoulder, looking down at his hand holding yours. "I remember everything about you."

"You do?"

"Yes. Fortunately or unfortunately."

Spencer was too stunned to speak. Too stunned, too dumb, too afraid. Damn it. Damn it. He couldn't stop cursing internally. He forced himself to pull you towards his bedroom and even though he still sensed some uncertainty, he kept going. Reaching for a pair of sweatpants and a big t-shirt, he gave those to you. "You can change into these," as he left the room to make you more comfortable.

"Wait!" You almost shrieked.

"What happened?" He prompted, worriedly, reaching a hand out to touch your arm.

"I don't want you to go."

He bit back a sigh. "I'll be just outside."

"Just... stay here?"

"I can't—" he interrupted himself, just turning around so his back was to you instead. At that, he looked up at his ceiling and prayed to any deity to let him survive that night.

He could hear the sounds of your movements. The zipper being undone, the soft ruffling of the fabric as you tugged your shirt up your head... He was imagining your exposed skin, every perfect inch, how would you look without all those clothes that suited you so nicely, how would it be to touch you, to run his fingertips all over your heated skin, how would it be to kiss every freckle on your body, to—"Done."

Turning around, the sight was adorable, which made him somewhat guilty of his early impure thoughts. "I feel like Alice when she shrunk into a tiny human."

He couldn't fight the smile at your words. He led you to his bed, where you laid on your back on top of the covers, staring at the ceiling. Spencer left you briefly to get you a glass of water and some painkillers to leave by the bedside table. You thanked him with a silent glance. As he turned to leave, once again, you said in a small voice, almost phrasing it like a question, too afraid of the answer. "Stay."

"I'll take the couch."

"You asked me to stay, thrice, I guess… And I did. I asked you once and you did. I still have a few requests left. I'm keeping tabs."

He relented, laying next to you and placing a pillow between you two. You breathed out a chuckle and he shook his head, clearly knowing where your mind had gone to. He placed his hand on top of the pillow, offering his comfort, and then you tentatively placed yours on top of his. He grinned to himself.

It was hard for him to wrap his head around what had happened that night. He knew his words — or lack of — could be read the wrong way and you possibly did, but he also hoped that his actions were speaking louder. Just as he was getting lost in thought again, he heard your voice once more.

"Spence?"

That damned nickname.

"Thanks for, um, being so respectful. Not that I don't think you'd be. But, um, as you've said, I'm drunk. And I told you I love you. And you're simply holding my hand." He gulped. He was keeping count, too, of how many times you said you loved him. Twice, so far, but he wanted so much more, endlessly. He wanted to lose track. "I guess... that makes me love you even more," you finished, crushing his heart between your palms, voice thick with sleep.

When he finally turned his head to look at you, your eyes were closed and you looked peaceful, drifting off to sleep. Then, when he was sure you were actually asleep, he stood up from his bed, grabbing a pillow and a spare blanket to lay on the floor.

"I'll gladly sleep on my floor if it means I get to have you around, too..."

—

Spencer didn't get any sleep.

He tossed and turned on the floor all night long, both because his carpet was not the most comfortable spot to sleep on, but also and mostly because there was no way in hell his mind stopped working. All through the night, Spencer fought the urge to shake you awake to ask if this was real, if you really loved him, if the words that slipped through your lips were in fact your feelings towards him. Despite his curiosity and eagerness, he let you sleep, figuring that he had already put you through too much already. As you slept, a movie played on his mind: your moments together, your confession of love, and overthinking the words we are not something. We are not a thing. He feared that you would wake up and realize how badly he had screwed up and decide not to want him anymore. Yes, he was that anxious.

You, on the other hand, even though confused by his lack of answer to your heart’s words, felt lighter than ever by speaking out your truth (the booze did help you a lot, though). Being as analytical as you were had its perks. One of them is that you never let yourself suffer too much for too long, too attached to reality to care much about the rest. So what if he rejected you? Life goes on — and that’s what you thought with every other loser that you caught yourself thinking too much of. Spencer, though… Who were you kidding? Spencer was Spencer. And that meant the world… It wasn’t so bad, if he actually rejected you… you’d only have to face him every day, until the rest of your lives, doomed to work together, cursed to think and rethink all over again small, fleeting moments such as an exchange of longing glances.

(You felt strangely calm due to your touch with reality. Maybe, just maybe, you were hoping for the best based on his care with and for you. But boy, were you ready to give him a piece of your mind.)

As your eyes fluttered open, you stretched your limbs on an unfamiliar bed with too much space. Upon your confusion, the memories came back with full force. You jolted, sitting down, searching for him — and, to be honest, not wanting to find him. The house was deadly silent, so you tried to trick yourself that you were sure he wasn't there. You dashed to the bathroom, taking a quick shower to get rid of the shame and the faint reek of alcohol. As you moved around his stuff, you couldn't help but think that you were so familiar with his things that it was almost like you belonged there. Sigh. It turns out that hiding emotions is easier than feeling them, especially their extremes.

As soon as you finished putting on your own clothes, you stopped dead in your tracks as you heard footsteps outside the bedroom. You froze, not knowing what to say. Or do.

Spencer entered the room, holding a tray meticulously organized with some food on it. “Morning. I, um, made you breakfast.” Because of course he would make you fucking breakfast.

“Morning,” you replied awkwardly and hoarsely. Maybe you cried a little bit, who knows… “Thanks, you didn't have to.”

“I did.”

You take your time to get a good look at him. He had bags under his eyes that appeared to be tired. The sight made your heart drop. “I'm sorry…”

“Don't be.”

“But I was wrong.”

“So was I.”

“But—”

“Last night you said some things. Do you, uh, do you remember what you told me?” You nodded, unable to speak. “Do you remember what you told me?” He repeated, trying to get a verbal answer from you.

“Yes, Spencer. I remember.”

“Can you listen to what I have to say now?”

You nodded, weakly.

“I didn't say anything because… because everything had gone in the most opposite direction they could've gone.” He said, approaching you calmly. “I was up the entire night, hoping to find the right words to tell you that would make you believe me after I… was stupid. I… First, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I know you said that we're nothing, that we weren't something, that we didn't have anything… but… but you're everything to me.” At that, your eyes finally met his. The intensity of your gaze made him shudder, but he kept going. “All the time we've spent together was nothing compared to what I want to have with you… and… and… God! Do you have any idea of the torture I was put through with you? Constantly thinking of what we could be, what we should be, too scared of your reaction or that—that—that Hotch decided to chop off my neck because he found out that I was crushing on his only daughter!”

At the mention of your dad, you burst out laughing. Seriously? That was such a cliché! “Hey! I'm serious!”

“I'm sorry…” You bit your bottom lip, fighting the urge to laugh at him some more. He was adorable.

“As I was saying,” he continued, trying to sound annoyed, but a hint of a smile threatened to break on his lips, and he didn't pull away when you approached him nor he did when you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your chin on his chest, looking up at him, adoringly. He looked down, meeting your gaze, “I… I love you. I love you too. God, it just feels so good to say that!”

You giggled, again. God, he could never get used to that sound.

“And I’m sorry for being so mean to you when I was frustrated. I should have been more patient and my unthoughtful words hurt you.” You kept silent, remembering his words. “I—I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing if you’ll have me.” He added, intimidated by your gaze.

Silence. “Well, I accept your apologies. I was unfair to you as well. And you know where I stand when it comes to you. My feelings, I mean.”

“I do… But…”

“But?”

“I'd like to hear you say it.”

“Say what?”

“That you love me?”

“I don't know. Do I, really?” You joked.

He blushed furiously, ready to stutter himself out of that situation. “No, I mean… you—you said that—that you remembered what you said last night and… so… putting two and two…”

Another giggle interrupted him. You traced his jawline, leaning up to kiss his right cheek. “I really, really love you.” A kiss to his left cheek. He chuckled. “I love you.” A kiss on the tip of his nose, to which he snorted, totally lovestruck. “So much.” A lingering, tender kiss to his forehead. He closed his eyes, already anticipating the next spot you would press your soft lips to.

As you made your way to finally kiss his lips, you decided to tease him and let him wait for a bit longer. Spencer groaned in protest and you chuckled a bit, finally deciding that it was enough. Pressing your lips to the corner of his mouth, making him sigh, you were thrilling on making him more and more eager. His grip on you tightened just slightly as he let out a shaky breath. You wanted to laugh, but instead, you poked fun at him. “Now you know what it's like to be teased.”

“I love you. Oh, Jesus… You're driving me insane. You're here… And you, you're you…”

You grinned, looking up at him, finally, finally pressing your lips to his. As you let out a small sigh, his breath hitched, both of you utterly drowning in relief and satisfaction. You pulled back a bit, grinning, going back to kissing him. Spencer's hands found your jawline, sliding back to tangle in your hair as he sucked your bottom lip into his mouth. Parting your lips slightly, you granted him full access to kiss you properly, and he moaned at the taste of you, gripping your hair rougher than before. You groaned softly, and he proudly heard and swallowed all your small sounds.

The ring of a phone broke the urgent atmosphere that was building between you two. Spencer ignored it, letting it ring until you pulled away, gasping for air. As you did, the noise stopped and you met his lost eyes, totally dumbstruck, and you laughed because you probably looked the same way. He gave you a charming, lopsided grin, too stupid, too hypnotized to say anything.

The phone began ringing again. “Son of a…!” he cursed, picking up the phone. “Hi, this is Dr. Spencer Reid and unless this is an absolute emergency, I'm kinda busy—”

“Reid.” Aaron Hotchner's firm voice hit Spencer like a bucket of cold water. Widening his eyes, he gulped.

“Yes… sir?” You smiled at that. Of course you knew who he was talking to.

“We have a new case.” Hotch announced.

“Oh… okay… I, um, I—I'll be there in 20.”

Silence.

“Is everything okay, Reid?” Hotchner could read anyone, Spencer was now sure of that. Even through the goddamned phone.

“Wh—yeah, yeah… Everything's… totally f—fine.” He cursed under his breath as you gripped his vest, trying not to laugh.

“Do you know where she is?” Hotch inquired after another moment of quietness.

“Who?” He squeaked. You chuckled silently.

“My daughter.” Of course it was his daughter.

Playing dumb is not a good look on you, you mouthed.

“N—no… I haven't… heard from her.”

“Sure.” Hotch said, skeptically. Spencer could feel the sweat on his forehead. After a moment, your father finished the call with an unreadable “We need to talk.”

Once the phone call ended, you burst out laughing at Spencer's reaction. “Not funny.” He protested, a frown on his face and a soft smile betraying his faux frustration.

“Come on, it is funny.”

He glared at you. “What do you think he wants to talk about?”

“I don't know. Men talk. I wouldn't want to get involved.” You said, grinning, pulling him by his vest.

He squeezed his eyes shut, relishing in the feeling of having you so close. “Do you think he knows?”

“Of course he knows.”

“How are you so collected?”

“Because I'm not the one he's going to scare to death, apparently.”

“He said ‘we’ need to talk. Emphasizing ‘we’. If he knows you’re here, then it probably—” you cut him off with a kiss.

“Well, then… Are you ready to face your biggest fear? The frightening Aaron Hotchner?”

Glancing at you adoringly, he chuckled. “I’d face him and whoever, whatever, a thousand times, if it meant that I could get you in the end.”

—

A couple days after the case, you and Spencer meet again, in your apartment. Sitting down on the couch, you ask him, amusedly, “Do you think he noticed?”

“Totally. I could barely look him in the eye for the first moments,” He said with a fond smile, hiding from you the fact that he had awkwardly and bravely spoken to your dad about your relationship. You laughed, placing your legs on the top of his legs. “I guess we should thank Lila, after all.” He joked, and you laughed out loud.

Leaning him closer to him, grabbing his chin and looking deep into his eyes, you muttered, “Don’t ever say her name again, Spence.”

Your wish was always his command. It would always be.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x yn #spencer reid x hotchner!reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid self insert

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insomniadreamzz · 3 days ago

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Hey, how are you? I wanted to request G!P Jinx x Reader. Imagine that the reader is Jinx's girlfriend and they have unprotected sex and then Jinx gets the reader pregnant? Something like the reader being afraid to tell Jinx and she freaks out about it and stuff like that… Could there also be smut at the end and fluff too? Please, I've never seen that around here 😮‍💨

Helloo! Thank you I am perfectly fine. Today is my birthday and I am actually busy but I LOVE this request so I had to write it down today 👀

———

My everything

G!P Jinx x Fem!Reader

Smut, mentions of pregnancy, fluff

The last days you felt kinda off, your emotions were like a rollercoaster and you got more sensitive. Jinx realised this too, making her feel a little worried about you. Since she had mental issues herself, she always questioned if she did something wrong, making the situation between you both get a little more complicated.

„Is everything okay my love? It’s your third plate of food today. I don’t mind it at all but…I am worried if something is bothering you. You know you can tell me anything right? You do trust me do you?“ Jinx asked as you were about to finish your food, your gaze moving up to look at her, a little smile on your face. „Of course I do trust you. You are my girlfriend after all. I just feel more hungry than usual these days, nothing to worry about.“ You tried to reassure her but she felt something was still off.

The next days your behavior went on, you also felt nauseous out of nowhere which made you realise that you might be pregnant. Last time you and Jinx got intimate you didn’t use protection which was a little silly of both of you but to be honest you didn’t really realise she would get you pregnant that fast. Whatever…if it was true and you carried her child, how to tell her? You suddenly worried about her reaction, close to panic but before your mind will make you freak out you decided to make a test first and then you will have to figure something out.

Thankfully Jinx wasn’t in her hideout today, she went out to probably blow something up again. You always had to worry about her when she wasn’t around but right now you were glad she wasn’t home so you could do the test without her knowing and just how you thought, it was positive. „Fuck…“ You cursed under your breath, feeling a little overwhelmed. Of course you were happy since having a family with your girlfriend was your biggest dream. But so sudden? It just made you think about a lot of stuff like are you even ready for it? Is Jinx ready for it? Will she be happy? Or will she be upset? You didn’t know since you never talked about that topic before.

One thing was clear. You had to tell her. Jinx already blamed herself for not treating you right anymore to explain your behavior. You noticed her anxiety getting worse these days but now you had a valid explanation for your latest behavior. Maybe that would calm her down and stop blaming herself?

There was not much time of thinking about how to explain to Jinx as you heard her walking into the hideout, a happy smile on her face as she catched your sight, you quickly hiding the test behind your back, wishing you already removed it and didn’t stare at it all the time while having a little discussion with your own mind about the result. „Hey toots!!“ She said with her usual wuirky behaviour you loved so much but she did notice you hid something behind your back. „What ya hiding there?“ She asked and you began to blush deeply, not being able to find the right words or to speak at all. „I-…“ You started but she cut you off by snatching it out of your hand. Why did you hide it anyways? You knew Jinx was too fast for you to even react when she tried to get it out your hands.

Her eyes widened when she saw what you were hiding, not knowing how to react. You bit down on your own lower lip, feeling nervous, scared she would be upset. „You are…“ She started, looking into your eyes with a soft gaze, you only nod in response which was enough for the blue haired girl to freak out but in a positive way. „Oh my god! My girl is pregnant!“ She squealed, being all jumpy and giggly, talking to herself about all the things she wants to do and build as she paced around the hideout before she stopped right in front of you, placing a lot of soft kisses on your lips. „I love you so much!“ She said in between the kisses before pulling back to look into your eyes again, you felt so relieved. „Jinx…are you happy?“ You asked just in case as if her reaction wasn’t enough. „Are you kidding me?! I am! I am the happiest my love!“ She reassured you, taking your hands in hers as she gently rubbed them with her thumbs. „I-I know I am chaotic and I know the things I do are weird and dangerous, making me question if I can do this right but…but I want it! I wanna take care of you both and make sure you will always feel loved.“

Her words made you feel so soft. You didn’t expect her to be this passionate about that topic but you loved it. You loved her. Her eyes got a little watery, the more she realised it, the more emotional she got. „I-I thought I did something wrong. I thought you stopped loving me but…but the real reason you behaved like this…it’s such a beautiful reason.“ Jinx voice was very soft and a little shaky as she let tears of happiness run down her cheeks and so did you. You couldn’t hold back your own emotions anymore as well, feeling so happy as well that she wasn’t upset about it. „I could never stop loving you…how could you even think that?“ You asked but in return she just kissed you again, this time more deeper and passionately as she made you lay down on your back. Right now she just wanted to feel you and give you her love, her tongue moving inside your mouth, making you gasp softly in return.

Both of you felt aroused by the deep kissing, your hormones being all over the place made you feel hornier than usual so it was obvious you wanted her and you showed it as your hands gently pulled on her pants, making her smirk into the kiss. „Heh…you want me don’t you?“ She hummed and you nodded. „Yes…yes please I need you.“ You almost beg for her to fuck you and of course she won’t deny you.

It didn’t took you long to be all over each other again, her marking your body with kisses and little gentle bites while her cock moved inside of you, her pace being slower than usual, making you chuckle a little. She must do that on purpose which was cute. „Hnn…you know you can go faster do you?“ She looked down at you with a soft gaze, you knew she didn’t want to do anything wrong but you reassured her. Jinx behavior was just so sweet. „Ah…yes I know of course.“ She said but you knew she was being careful now because she knew you were pregnant. After your reassurance she thrusted faster inside of you as she held your hips gently, going deeper as usual, losing herself into the pleasure just like you. Both of you being a moaning mess. „Fuck…I am close…“ She moaned out and you kept her close to you by wrapping your legs around her waist, making sure she won’t pull out. „M-me too…cum inside me please.“ You whined, her hips didn’t stop moving, moaning out loudly when she came and at the same time you reached your orgasm as well, feeling her fill you up with her cum, making both of you feel so good.

Both of you panted softly, her leaning down to kiss you again so lovingly. „You make me the happiest…“ She whispered. „And you make me the happiest.“ You answered with a soft smile, caressing her cheek as you both looked into each others eyes with so much love.

(Fluff bonus)

„Hey that tickles!“ You giggle softly as Jinx painted little hearts and other little cute stuff on your baby bump. „What? You’re my beautiful canvas.“ She teased by sticking her tongue out, a giggle leaving her own lips. She just loved doing these sweet little things with you.

„Who knows maybe our little one will be as creative as you?“ You mentioned, making Jinx smile more. „Maybe who knows?“ She answered before leaning down to place a kiss on your tummy and then nuzzling close to it. „I love both of you so so much you don’t even know…“ Her words so soft, almost like a whisper as she stayed close to you. „And we love you. Always and forever.“ You gently caressed her beautiful blue hair, making her smile as she closed her eyes and eventually feeling your little one kicking for the first time.

#x reader #fanfiction #female reader #x fem!reader #short imagine #lgbtq #arcane #arcane fanfic #jinx #jinx x fem!reader #jinx x y/n #jinx smut #jinx arcane #jinx x reader #smut scenarios #smut #arcane smut #g!p

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notashadowbutawave · 2 days ago

Text

finally talked my wife into watching 8x06 "confessions" with me and WOW there's quite a lot going on in this breakup scene in buck's apartment (and the infamous glee scene for that matter) that I haven't seen discussed much on this website (though maybe I'm just not finding it?) like this show is always yelling the themes in your face but...

first of all I think it's somewhat intentional that Buck is being written as kind of regressing. So far in the show, he's gotten his confidence in romantic relationships by fulfilling the role with the person that he thinks he should fulfill. with Abby, Buck had just learned about serious adult romantic relationships and how they work and was trying to Be A Partner in a complete speed run. But he learned that no amount of devotion is a substitute for functionality. with Taylor, he was trying to Be A Functional Partner - and he learned that being a partner Has To involve trust, and that trust comes from somewhere else other than just our actions - it has to come from our hearts.

Tommy is the first person he's ever dated where he doesn't know what the next steps are and that's because this isn't something he has a blueprint for - being a Partner and a Functional Partner for somebody who sees right through him and sees exactly what he's trying to do, to make Tommy never leave. Abby was completely clueless (sorry I really dislike Abby) and Taylor didn't realize that an adult man could behave so badly without utter malice in his heart. Both of them kind of make the mistake of being vulnerable to Buck's charms.

Tommy is of course vulnerable to Buck's charms but Buck is more transparently himself with Tommy as well - and what Tommy sees, then, is a person who is deeply insecure and may be trending in the right direction but ultimately still thinks there's a lever he can pull to make Tommy stay and never leave him. He doesn't know that he's not done cooking yet because every new thing he learns about the world or others makes him feel brand fucking new.

So yes, the glee scene:

Josh was absolutely gagged that Tommy was Abby's ex fiance

Buck's first instinct is to see the situation from Abby's side and go into protective mode which is adorably loyal to be fair but also like ; get a grip

I actually love Josh's framing of "you care about this person and if you want a future in a queer relationship you need to learn that we don't all come to this the same way"

Did they need a cultural reference? No. Were they going to self referentially congratulate Ryan Murphy for inflicting it on the world? Yes.

And regarding the breakup itself:

What is wrong with this fandom's sense of humor that I haven't seen a gif of "I'm the himbo" ??? Like yes babe u sure are come here

Buck is really working so hard in this scene to make sure Tommy knows that he's serious. He's like... this freaked me out but I've decided I'm cool with it. She changed my life but not like you !!!

Like bless his heart, Buck thought he was really doing the right thing by telling Tommy about Abby BEFORE ASKING HIM TO MOVE IN WITH HIM. like MY CARDS ARE ON THE TABLE??? SEE??? LOVE ME FOREVER !! it's adorable and it's also cringe as fuck.

I think the real sin of the writing here is making Buck so completely clueless that this is the wrong move. Like he's kind of an idiot (Eddie Diaz's words not mine) but moving in with someone after dating them for six months in your 30s is WILD behavior and I don't think even Evan Buckley would fail to realize that this is a bit much in this moment.

But idk being in love makes one do stupid things? I did all of my messy bitch relationship shit before I turned 30 but I guess it is buck we are talking about

I completely understand why Tommy reacts the way he does in this scene and bless Lou Ferrigno Jr for acting it with such nuance, much more depth than the scene frankly deserves. What a heartbreaker. Like you see him tense up at Buck's request

"I'm not saying let's get married or engaged, even though we would have the right, thanks to the brave people who came before, including you." such an insane thing to say to your boyfriend. Whoever approved this script was trying to take me out like with a gun.

You then see the absolute grief in Tommy's eyes like oh god this kid is killing me. He's so sweet. He's so cute. He doesn't get it. I love him. He doesn't get it.

As an aside, Eddie being stalked in the juice bar by the hot priest was absolutely incredible.

I didn't hate this episode but wow the writing does suck shit, however I fully believe it makes sense for them to break up here and get back together in the future ??? because Buck DOES have some shit to figure out. Like moving in with someone is a lot of fucking intimacy REALLY fast and baby boy sometimes you NEED to pump the brakes a little ESPECIALLY when you think someone might be THE ONE and you just figured out you like guys six months ago.

I get it and yeah the writing is tragic and the inclusion of Abby in general is just unhinged and unnecessary but like I don't hate the broad strokes here. how else does the blorbo learn if not by ritual torture by the writers. Lou is too good to not have back though. My god what a treasure.

end bucktommy endgame truther transmission

#bucktommy #911 abc #911 abc spoilers #evan buckley #tommy kinard #lou ferrigno jr

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bubblegumgothglados · 9 hours ago

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Could you talk at all about the headspace you or other doms or... sadists? (forgive me if the wrong term for I am but a humble masochist) are in during what is considered one of the more "problematic" scenarios such as indulging in kinks related to drowning or nail pulling as you described?

I can imagine very well how the adrenaline and thrill that *I* would feel, but not being very dominant, I have always been curious about the thoughts parts and feelings that make *you* receive enjoyment from the situation.

That is a really interesting question

I suppose first of all I'm going to talk specifically about the situation in which I am both the dominant and the top (sadist), because the situation where I'm the dominant but bottoming (masochist) is very different.

Also I haven't talk to other dominants about this much so this is my experience but it might not mirror everyone elses.

Where being the submissive/ bottom for these scenes tends to be a narrowing of focus; your whole world reduced to this moment of pain and adrenaline and fear and pleasure, being the dominant and top is an expanding of focus. There are a million processes running through my mind, I'm taking note of my victims breathing, heart rate, eye movements, muscle movement, the warmth of their skin, etc etc etc. I'm also aware of the temperature of the room, my own stress levels, how long it is since I last checked in with them, what the time is. I take it as my job to be aware of everything because anything could be a sign of something going wrong or about to go wrong.

That's the headspace I'm in.

The second question was what I find enjoyable about it. Well. Because of this intense focus it's very out of body, my own physical reactions are dampened or left behind entirely. The things I'm enjoying are the control; having every single aspect of the scene be mine to manipulate is bliss. The reactions I'm causing; every moan, every scream, every look of panic and fear, absolutely intoxicating. The pure almost animalistic joy of causing pain; almost in a detached, scientific way? Almost like a child pulling the wings off of a butterfly? It's both calming and deeply sexual. And I guess just the satisfaction of doing something I'm really good at, and doing it really well; I know how experienced and knowledgeable I am about this stuff, I come up with a scene, plan it out, and then do it.

I'd love to know if other dominants feel the same way and I hope this helped

#bubblegum answers

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thelonelyshore-if · 13 hours ago

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How would the ROs react to seeing the MC cry for the first time?

Beck: "Oh--shit. Shit. You're...are you......." Beck would freeze completely, deer in headlights. He isn't good at comforting people. He doesn't know how to deal with tears. Probably would do his very best to distract MC--can't cry if you're busy doing something, right?

Croft: "What's wrong? Do you need...help? Did something happen?" They'd speak very stiffly and distantly, unsure what to do. They're not very comfortable with tears, but would try their best to make MC feel better. Would be very focused on 'fixing' whatever caused the tears.

Jay: "Hey, come here. What's wrong?" If this happened while they were dating MC they'd want to pull them into their arms and kiss them, wipe away their tears, and try to do what they can to make things better. If they're friends, Jay would still offer a hug and try to talk through what's happening.

Perri: "Oh no, what's going on? Are you hurt? Do you need a tissue?" They'd immediately start worrying deeply about MC. Fretting over them, and then immediately being worried that they're being too much or making it worse. But Perri would do their best to comfort MC.

Ravi: "Tell me what happened." He'd say softly, stepping up to MC. No emotion on his face, voice quiet, very very intense. He'd try to figure out if MC's hurt, first. If he determines that they're physically alright, then he'd shift his focus on awkwardly trying to make MC feel better.

Yasmin: "Hey hon, what's wrong? How can I help?" She'd be warm and try to comfort MC, but, true to character, she'd be very pragmatic about it. Try and get to the bottom of the feelings and "fix it". She's very solutions based, and might not be the best at actually being comforting.

#asks #beck #croft #jay #perri #ravi #yasmin

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bunnakit · 2 days ago

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coming outta left field and talking about something that has nothing to do with me bc i don't have anything better to do with my time right now.

that whole fandom discourse was whack and i'm sorry @lurkingshan and @waitmyturtles had to deal with that. there's def been plenty of posts i haven't liked or haven't agreed with in fandom and you shrimply just have to scroll! there's no need to make a response unless you're coming from a genuine place and can have a respectful discussion. if you're coming from an emotional place you just have to say "people like different things" and move on.

i personally am not mutuals with shan because we have a lot of different opinions about things - this is not a dig at shan, she doesn't follow me either prob for the same reason! i think she articulates her posts incredibly well and comes from a very genuine place. i don't know turtles that well bc i haven't been in the space much these days but based on what i've seen she seems much the same.

media analysis is and should be vast and varied, that's what makes it fun, and not everyone is going to share your opinion and people will always interpret things differently based on past experiences, differences in knowledge, etc. they aren't evil for that.

this is what i think is one of the most important things from shan's post -

You don't owe anyone your presence here, and you don't have to express opinions on everything or respond to tags or asks if you don't have anything to say. Sometimes you might just want to take a break from posting, some things in the discourse might just flow right on by you, sometimes you will not have a firm opinion on a debate. You can post as much or as little as you want. You can suddenly decide you don't want to talk about a show anymore. You can not log into your tumblr for days or weeks at a time. Do you, boo!

to add to this, and i know this won't be a very well received statement, if you're finding yourself having these big emotional responses just because someone didn't like your fav it may be time to take a step back and reevaluate your priorities in fandom. as someone that took a break from fandom and dramas in general i highly recommend taking a second and finding your peace again. humans are emotional by design, it's what makes us great, but if you're getting violently wound up about someone else's opinion of a fictional piece of media created for entertainment purposes i think it's time to take a deep breath.

fictional media is art and people can and should always have different opinions about art. yes, even art featuring your favs.

i left the fandom for a long time because Last Twilight deeply hurt my feelings as a disabled person with an incurable disease - but that's on me. i'm sure many people found the message an uplifting one of hope (as i believe it was intended to be.) my personal experiences caused me to have a different take on it - but again that is because of my personal experiences and does not make my opinion of it right or wrong, it simply is.

tldr: i think it's important to remember that there are no correct opinions in fandom; if there were they wouldn't be opinions but irrefutable facts. you need to get used to seeing opinions and reads that differ from your own and embrace the art of filtering unless you feel capable of having a calm and respectful discussion.

i wanted to share my thoughts as someone completely unassociated with shan and turtles from a place of complete neutrality. if you're going to have a discussion have a discussion, if you're just gonna rag on someone because they didn't mindlessly jerk off your fav keep it to your group chat or something, don't be a tar pit.

this being said, get used to seeing things even if you try to filter! it's not perfect, i've filtered out spare me your mercy bc i haven't seen it yet and want to form my own opinions but things have absolutely come across my radar (either in my own tags, clicking links, etc.) it happens, don't be weird about it.

#oat yaps #lurkingshan #waitmyturtles #fandom discourse #last twilight #spare me your mercy #hi shan and turtles #idk i don't NEED to be involved in any of this #it has literally nothing to do with me #but this is a very large part of why i left and stopped posting meta #so i wanted to give my thoughts as an unbiased 3rd party

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dasketcherz · 19 hours ago

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oh my god this is SO GOOD omggg crying shaking sobbing eating up every single paragraph, this analysis is so scrumptious and I would like to add more in the discussion cuz this certainly stirred thoughts I had as well about their dynamic so (clears throat)

Hugo's 100% the type of person who would rationalize his emotions rather than just actually let himself feel and process them for what they are in a healthy manner because confronting those raw feelings terrifies him. And so many things factored to him developing this tendency—for 1) he's forced to grow up too soon too fast cuz his situation in life demands it, 2) he loves to figure how things fundamentally work which includes studying people, what makes them tick & how they think & act & behave, etc (a necessity he has to have to navigate his way around his line of work as a con man) and analyzing himself is no exception, so him trying to immediately pin point as to what and why he feels this way about things is him attempting to regain control of himself 3) because to quote his creator, "He doesn't like doing anything that would make him feel like he didn't have control of himself or the situation."—for the longest time he's convinced himself that it's not safe to feel his emotions because it leaves oneself vulnerable and that's the last thing he wants to deal with right now. Especially in the harsh world he lived in, that's like a death wish.

I also 100% agree with Hugo's tendency to call people by nicknames as a means to create and maintain distance from forming any sort of attachment to people. Definitely a defensive mechanism. And it's through his time with team radical, for the first time, did the nicknames he give people turn from distant detachment to genuine affectionate nicknames overtime. (And I love to think Varian got slightly influenced by that and he was the first person to ever call him "Hugh" as an affectionate nickname and it feels hella intimate to Hugo it drives the man crazy lowkey)

"They are both scientists, but one is more afraid of the results than the other."—is a really interesting observation to point out as well. Hugo being afraid of the results that deviates from what's expected speaks so much volume to how when you're working for someone like Donella—there's no room for errors, you don't have the luxury to make mistakes because that risks you of being put on the chopping block of getting replaced in her book—and that's a constant reminder at the back of Hugo's mind that keeps him in line (exactly the way Don wants him to).

And he concluded that deeply liking Varian was a mistake (on top of his issues of dealing with his own feelings like god please help this man), because he knows what's coming, he knows what he has (and is expected by Donnie) to do at the end of the road. He thinks it's wrong to get attached to the team, it's wrong to fall in love with Varian...but it's also wrong to hurt him (and the others) by betraying them, but it's wrong to betray Donella, his lifelong mentor, over team radical too—he feels so stuck, everyfuckingthing feels so wrong and it's eating him alive every day.

I also absolutely love the notion that Varian is the more assertive one between them, he's the one who usually initiates and that really checks out for his character cuz we see that trait in the show from him, yknow... if taking matters into his own hands was anything to go by from s1. Hugo being the more compliant one also makes sense, cuz that approach saved his ass from getting into serious troubles in the past. It's a survival tactic that has been embedded in him really. However, that difference makes them such a good team. Varian develops to be more brave and confident with his experiments because he knows Hugo would be right there to follow through by him—he trusts Hugo like he's his safety net. And in turn, Hugo develops to be okay with relying on others and counting on them when he doesn't have to deal with something alone. Their dynamic builds trust exercise for the two of them and it's oh so beautiful.

And lastly, Varian being the type who wants clear answers really nudges Hugo to be more honest with him and himself, especially when Varian can tell when he's lying or not (cuz two can play that game babey). Hugo's not the best when it comes to communicating himself to others but Varian is very understanding and patient with him and he nurtures the moments when Hugo chooses to be honest because small progress is still progress, especially knowing that the notion can be hard for Hugo who never had a proper support system (outside of Olivia) growing up. Hugo finally has a healthy outlet to process his feelings because he has Varian to help him figure stuff out and vice versa.

Also the way Hugo has always resort to lying and running away (from his problems, from his feelings, from any sort of trouble in life) but for once in his life chooses to stay for Varian because he finally chooses to be honest with himself and accept the truth that he actually genuinely wants to be with him just leaves me screaming and crying and sobbing and dear GOD they're just so perfect for each other, somebody please sedate me right now

I really like analyzing Varigo, one thing I've noticed recently is how different their approach to romance (and human connections in general) really is, but also how they're pretty much the perfect foils in this regard.

Varian grew up sheltered away in their mansion. He didn't have much clue about socializing, so when Rapunzel came to him, he gives all of them proper respect (calling Rapunzel "Princess", Eugene "Flynn Rider", as in the full name). You could assume it's because of his dad; later when the two confronted each other, Varian called him "Sir". Probably because Quiring taught him to be respectful of others, and they both clearly take this social rule rather seriously.

So then Cassandra comes in and saves Varian, for apparently no selfish reasons. She likely just didn't want to have a child get crushed when she could've prevented it, but to Varian, this changes his view on people. Cassandra isn't just a distant figure to respect; instead, someone he could have a connection with. And this is where one of Varian's most essential traits come to light: when comfortable, he treats situations like an experiment. He immediately starts calling her by a nickname, "Cassie", to see how she would react. At the day of the expo, he keeps trying out different tactics, trying to essentially just get close to Cassandra. One could Interpret this romantically, but I personally like to think he just really wanted a friend. A lonely kid, seeing someone cool show any kind of affection for him immediately made him go "there could be something here! I need to find out!", and so he does. In his own, nerdy way.

Hugo, on the other hand. He, unlike Varian, grew up having to socialize all the time. Having to talk his way out of situations constantly, he learned to put up walls so that the most desirable results come out, benefiting him and his missions. When he weasels his way into the Team, he also calls them nicknames. In his case, it stems from a need to distance himself from people, so that he doesn't get attached. One slight exception though is Varian, as Hugo seemingly not only uses nicknames on him to keep up built-up walls, but to get a reaction out of him. This is very similar to how Varian approached Cassandra when he was younger. He's interested in Varian from early on, and he handles this in his good old Hugo fashion, because he finds Varian entertaining. Varian at first doesn't trust Hugo, but when he proves himself trustworthy, he gives in. He's willing to reach out, making Hugo more than a means to an end. Eventually, the two become friends! Then more than friends!

And then, their approaches change.

I'd like to think that it was Hugo, who fell first. Or at the very least, he's the first to realize it, and he HATES THIS. His flight or flight is activated, and he really wants to flee. He's the type to ignore his feelings, try to bury them. That's all he knows how to do, really. Especially because for what could be the first time in his life, he's actually falling for someone who is his friend. Someone who means a lot to him! He wouldn't want to ruin things, especially because he knows that betraying Variant will break the guy's heart, once he finds out. Therefore, the less pain, the better.

Varian is the exact opposite of this. It takes him a long time to figure out what he feels, and that it could be romantic (he didn't exactly have the history with romance before. The "puppy crush" on Cassandra could have easily been more of an obsession with the possibility of someone showing affection towards him). But once he realizes that there's a chance that the two could be a thing? He doesn't have to think hard about what his next step should be: he likes Hugo, and he's a scientist. Trial and error is practically in his blood at this point, so if there's even a small possibility of them getting together? That Hugo likes him back? Varian will do anything to find out how probable his theory is. And so, once again, he treats the situation like an experiment. Wasting no time, he tries to confess or bring up the idea as quickly as possible. And Hugo FREAKS OUT. He's not ready!

Varian's other big trait is his stubbornness. He's not satisfied with an uncertain answer. He wants to know Hugo's view on them, as clearly as possible. So he keeps poking around, trying to find an approach that brings out different reactions, different answers as to why Hugo would be scared of them being together. Again. Really similar to how he treated Cassandra at the expo back then. This is the only way he knows how, though. And he needs clear answers.

He gets one at the last trial. Boom. Heartbreak. This isn't about angst though, so I'll end it here.

I find them so interesting. How their upbringing influenced their view and approach to people, to friendship, to romance. To each other. They are both scientists, but one is more afraid of the results than the other.

So it all boils down to the importance of clear communication: another big theme in Vat7k, what with Ulla and Donella setting an example as what not to do.

I could ramble about these characters for ages, but yeah. This is my view on them, I loooove reading different Interpretations in fan fiction though!

#vat7k #varigo #tangled #tangled the series #otp: destiny by design #varian and the 7 kingdoms #vatsk #tts #varina and the seven kingdoms #vat7k hugo #vat7k varian

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mellowwillowy · 19 hours ago

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Briar has always wanted to see what's under your uniform, not under innocent pretense but a lecherous, perverted one. But you would never think of him like that and it killed his mood, too unbothered to have a take on you anymore. You were too good for him and this town and he wished the town would act like him, not bothering you in any sort of way.

Shady Bastards AU: Briar the Brothel Owner

Briar knew he had charm, alluring countless perverts with his face and body. It earned him some quick cash for a quick fuck, enough for him to have leisure time instead of working part-time in a cafe. This kind of lifestyle led him to be a part of a grander scheme, to become a brothel owner in the future and one of the underground brothel ringleaders.

Now imagine everyone's surprise when someone as angelic and pure as you were his best friend, perhaps someone he could only consider a friend. He wasn't close with Bailey in any sense, Darryl was just one of the many passing pale faces that were stuck in Leighton's English class and he only knew Avery as some sort of your sponsor. He was surprised to learn that you were still a virgin after all the years raised in this town and involving yourself with Avery. Hell, you being one of the many orphans from Bailey's family was the cherry on top. Poor souls, he would sneer to himself, pitiful bastards, raised to be raped and pay their guardian, like a fucking investment, as what the current Bailey would now say himself.

Briar didn't care. He wouldn't care. It wasn't like he was necessarily as protective as Bailey when it came to you, no, he was only looking at you as some sort of... thing, an object that he should protect just to sate his own satisfaction urge. Like a display object, he'd rather have it clean and perfect than dirty and broken. Briar was far from a good man so imagine to his surprise when your dead body was finally retrieved from the river.

Remy had sent out his farmhands to locate you, every tree, every river, and every cave had been searched thoroughly yet it took them almost a month to finally find your body floating in the river.

Briar was... he was...

He couldn't put it into words.

Heartbroken? No, that's what Bailey would have to feel, not him.

Dismissive? No, he was also tearing a new hole in the sewer, looking for you.

Furious? Maybe yes, toward the town, the farmhands, the temple, but to you?

Disappointed? You did nothing wrong.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" Briar whispered to himself as your casket was lowered. Briar didn't want to think too deeply about how he felt about you anymore. He had been a coward all these years so why change now? Things would just be fine if he treated you as a missing display now. Right? Right? Right?!

Briar couldn't even think straight until he saw Bailey launch his punch at Remy. It took him a moment to get on his feet and break the fight. Right... all these feelings were supposed to be felt by Bailey, not him. He was never entitled to feel this way.

So he put himself up with it for 18 years. He swore he wouldn't falter unless he was given a second chance to pursue you better. You, not anyone else. It was just a passing wish, something that would never happen until he ran into you. Or perhaps someone who looked like you, dressed like you, sounded like you. The you a year before you changed and defied the temple and god.

Briar shuddered and stopped his driver, leaping out of his car and braced himself to hold you by your wrist.

A second chance... a second chance... he promised himself.

"It seems like you are lost, little miss, where are you heading to?"

"To the supermarket! I forgot where it is because this is my first time going there alone!"

"Who were you with?"

"My boss, Bailey!" you exclaimed. "He gave me an allowance so I'm looking to get myself an ice cream right now."

Of course, it's always Bailey first. Briar clenched his fist, his smile tightening. But he won't let him get all the spotlight anymore, no, Briar will play along now.

"It's quite hot right now, isn't it? I'll drive you there." Briar smiled and pointed toward his car. Bailey did remind you to never talk with strangers, let alone riding their vehicle. But hell, you did anyway because Briar felt so familiar to you.

#Yandere Briar #Briar the Brothel Owner #dol #Degrees of Lewdity #Yandere DOL

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fl0ralsxgar · 1 day ago

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Okay... So im going to make one post about this and one post only.

Ive been having issues in this community because of who i self ship with, thats a very vague way of putting it. Ive been made aware of a situation directly that has both equally caused me to get hate and ive noticed some mutuals of mine ignoring me more ever since it started. Under the cut since this is a long post

Okay just to start off first; clearly this must be a burner or something because going to this account directly, its the default tumblr blog theme with no posts or edited bio or anything. Im not going to respond to hate asks anymore, okay? I shouldnt in the first place but usually i tried to address them just a little, mostly wanting to understand why i was being sent it in the first place, my fault. But still. (I still blocked out the user just in case) just to note, this is not the only hate ive been sent in asks lately. I had to cut anon off again. But ig people will still find workarounds.

Okay. I DO NOT. want to cause ANY discomfort, jealousy, negative feelings, etc, just because of who i self ship with. Im sorry its made people uncomfortable because they share the same f/o but i do what i can to ensure they dont see me. I use the same exact tag on my self ship art and gushes and whatever, i dont interact with them, i have them BLOCKED or vice versa, hell i even try to not interact with their mutuals unless if weve already established being mutuals. I even have directly said- if anyone who follows me is mutuals with someone else who is uncomfortable with people interacting with me (or other daisuke self shippers in general) then you dont need to interact with me, because above all else im TRYING to consider the comfort of other people. I have never once tried to make people forcibly side with me, i have never said anyone else is invalid because of their self ship, i have never wanted anyone to be excluded and even, i encourage people to be mutuals with other daisuke self shippers as i can block said daisuke self shippers and they can be given my tag if need be because everyone deserves support. This has been going on for longer than it needs to tbh, i kept thinking i was the issue, i wanted to leave, but now im just .. upset. Whether its all from the same person or not, idk. But please know that above all else causing anyone to feel negatively because of me has never been my intention. Ive been extremely stressed out over this, feeling guilty and horrible, and sometimes aggravated.

Dont vague post about me if you know your followers and mutuals know who youre referring to. And even then, dont do it without first explicitly making it known that you dont condone hate being sent, but ultimately even if you do say that it wont always stop people. Please stop sending me asks trying to invalidate my self ship when ive never done that to anyone else. If youre mutuals with someone who is not okay with you interacting with me then respect those boundaries, because i am super tired of having to deal with the backlash of things im not even trying to cause. I want everyone to be comfortable, i want everyone to feel safe in their own space. But also i dont even feel comfortable in my own space now. I really dont wanna leave the community again tbh, ive made some close mutuals, i love supporting people, i love making my own self ship art and sharing it. But man, im tired!

Ive tried SO hard to keep this in private. I wanted it to be resolved without public notice. But even after i thought it was settled and resolved it hasnt stopped, and i dont even know if its from various people or not. Only very few people know more deeply whats been going on, and i hate that they were affected because of it too in ways. Whatever is going, just, i want it to chill out. Really. I have no ill will for anyone. If you see this and youre someone who has an issue with me you can dm me, ill talk it out with you.

I truly hope none of this comes off wrong, or aggressive or anything. I mean everything with as much respect as i can considering my current state. No matter what i dont condone harassment. I dont want anyone to be excluded. I want everyone to be supported and happy in their space. So please just know that, and if anything has come off wrong let me know. Maybe, im just not thinking the clearest so some things might seem rude or something. Forgive me if that the case.

Theres been ALOT going on the self ship community and i hope everyone will be okay. Dont worry about this if its too stressful, but if youre someone whose involved in this, i want to work things out. So. Thanks for reading if you did. Take care

#sorry you guys. i know alots been going on already #ily guys still; take care of yourselves #self ship community #cw drama #cw rant #f/o community

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frenchkanna1808 · 2 days ago

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Why chapter 3 was a enormous let down and the possible negative impact it might have on the rest of the game

I remember after finishing chapter three one how exicted I was, how deeply impressed I was with the banquet and the qtaro development. And I mean I wasn't the only one, again and again I had seen so much praise about chapter three and how awesome it was. How great midori was as a villain (my like idk how many words analysis about him is very much explicit of that), How amazing qtaro development was, and mainly how great the banquet was, and I had seen the claim around that 3-1 was as great or even better than 2-2. And so I had decided after the hype fell down a little to play yttd again with friends, and that when I realized, god , wait, chapter three is like, extremely mid. I played the entire chapter 1a and it only got to the heights of 1b. I at first couldn’t tell what was wrong with the game, why did it feel so disappointing? And after a while I have finally looked back at the chapter, and yes this chapter is not only extremely lackluster but also a very bad prediction for the future of yttd if 3-2 is written the same. So here in this long french analysis I will discuss the main problem of chapter three the absolute shit characterization of almost all the characters. But also the destruction of emotion route and the crazy pacing

Hi like always, I’m frenchgremlim, I’m the french kanna fan I write stupid essays on yttd from time to time, this one will be compared to some of my others quite negative. But I will try as hard as possible to be an objective critic. This isnt meant to attack any fan of any character no any fan of yttd 3-2, I just want to discuss a possible problem in yttd writing that personally scares me for the future, this topic was one I brought up a lot in many post, if you have seen any of them then well you will already know some of my grievances with chapter 3. So with all my love thank you for reading this, lets start!

THE GOOD STUFF

Chapter Three 1 definitely has many great points. First off, the plot progression is pretty great, we get ton of infos on asunaro, on ways to escape and clues about the hades incident. Midori was a blast and bullying him became my favorite pastime. The dummies were an amazing concept (remember the word concept it will be important for the rest). Despite me disliking ranmaru deepy his development was interresting. THE QTARO DEVELOPMENT WAS CRAZY GOOD, for the first time I got to be justified for being a qtaro fan since chapter 2. Keiji had ton of development in this chapter??? that is very rare considering how much of a stable character he is troughout the game, his relationship with sara is really highlighted and I think thats great. Gin stays the most consistent character in yttd and despite normally being something I dislike in a game I think it makes sense considering gin is pretty much sara anchor in reality in both routes. The obstructors were an amazing idea and I think, adding new mechanics like that truly freshen up the game. Also shin ai is litteraly one of the best idea ever and maple too. And of course the banquet was a thrilling nerve wrecking experience with so many twist and turns that truly got your blood pumping……. Thats my praise for chapter three, the thing that doesn’t make it outright bad but correct. See how I mentioned a few characters by name, but not all, you can pretty much count any of the other either barely present or useless to the narrative. Which will lead me to my first point, the absolute character waste that genuinely every single yttd character going from the least worst to the worst (if you know me you know who will be last).

AN ENSEMBLE CAST IS AN ENSEMBLE NOT SARA AND HER MINIONS NANKIDAI

MAI AND KURUMADA

okay so I will start with them because funny enough new characters have better characterization, than actual character we knew since chapter 1. If I had a word to describe both ami and kurumada it would be good but lacking. Let’s start with mai, I think mai concept of her starting has a sort of traitor and then becoming a true ally is very good, same for kurumada startinga s a heartless asshole only caring about himself to him literally on the ground crying that keiji doesn’t cause the doom of the other dummies. Overall Mai and Kurumada have the strongest character out of all the dumies and are truly multi layered characters. Mai is depicted as a fake idol like girl who hides herself behing the pop like smilling persona (inverse of shin) to hide the fact that she is terrified but can also be a cunning manipulative person too. She truly wants the best for others but is terrified that she might die and would do anything to survive. Kurumada is a brute, he acts like a bully toward the others, act heartless and values himself over others, he has a sort of superiority complex and rejects affection. But trough the power of the bucket, kurumada starts to warm up, and he starts truly caring about the others. He starts devaluing his life after getting destroyed by maple. But in the end he was the only one of the surviving dummies wishing not to be brought back but avenged. Both have interesting dynamic with their pairs and overall importance on the narrative, something that can’t be said about all dummies. Why lacking then. I think kurumada and mai still suffer from what I will call the dummies problem, they feel like there is so much like missed potential its crazy. Seriously we had like one scene where kurumada learns to warm up to kanna, thats it, it feels like we had the basics but it was very rushed. Which is a shame considering THIS IS THE THING THAT MAKES KURUMADA CHANGE AS A PERSON. Mai has less of this problem I think, but still she has no relationship with like anyone in the group except qtaro ( I still think in logic route we should have had the obvious parralele between her actions and like keiji/shin actions it feels like wasted potential) But again this is a flaw that is ommitable since reminder the characters are well written despite being rushed. What isnt forgivable is that kurumada has no relationship at all with shin in logic route, its clear that nankidai envisioned emotion route kurumada before logic route kurumada. Overall I think the pairing system was terribly done for some characters, which is apart of the overrall dummies syndrome.

But lets take a look at the other dummies where my praise will quickly end.

ANZU AND HAYASAKA:

I am deeply sorry for anyone who is a fan of those characters, but I need to be objective, anzu and hayasaka are the most nonexistent characters in yttd. I complain about the lack of kanna content, but the absolute uselessness of those two is crazy disappointing. Remember how I described mai and kurumada, full rich descriptions, what is anzu character. She is a dumb clown girl, thats it there is nothing more. And the problem isnt that she is a simple character on paper, because for example mishima is quite a simple character, its how nankidai decided to utilize them. Lets start with anzu because I think she shows off well the problem, what does anzu do during the narrative, when is she useful, not even like talking about like puzzles or stuff like that kanna also doesn’t help that much, I mean overrall, what is the goal of this character. A character can be a bit flater personaility wise but he has to HAVE A REASON TO EXIST EXCEPT FILLING IN THE BLANKS.

Why was she paired with the yabusames, because reminder all the dummies were paired with a human for a reason, sara with ranmaru because of joe, keiji and hinako because they are edgy emo dyed hair dodgy person, kurumada with greenbling because he has one of the highest percentages while they have some of the lowest, hayasaka because he is similar to mishima with gin. Anzu was paired up with the yabusame, because she had to be paired up with someone, she has NO relationship with them, isnt a contrast isnt anything. My problem with anzu is that she is a a boring character because they did NOTHING WITH HER, she feels like an C rated anime girl in the fucking cast of death note. And no I’m not saying a nice person is boring not at all kanna is my favourite character of fiction, what I’m saying Is that creating just a nice girl is a problem. If we go to hayasaka its the same, which is even worse because hayasaka IS TIED TO THE NARRATIVE. I would say haysaka is more plot interresting but his personality is so boring that it doesn’t help at all. He is just clone non chad mishima. They can die and it will genuinely almost affect nothing at all(which is also a problem the death problem). You get surprised when they actually talk because you had forgotten they existed. Thats how I will define the dummies problem, it feels like the characters were added but had very limited impact in the end, because while it makes sense for asunaro it doesn’t make sense for the cast, why add characters if they have no meaning, thats just bad writing.And why does that piss me off, because you could have done so much more. Remember the mishima comparaison? Mishima is the most good guy ever made but how does he shine, by his interractions, he is a light of joy and good and shines from how kind he is towards others. He’s a bit silly but his unwaring kindness and undertsanding is what makes him a compelling character. Especially I contrast with brooding characters in the cast. ANZU COULD HAVE BEEN THAT. I think especially in logic route, anzu isnt the brightest light bulb, but she can shine in her unwaring compassion, her passion is making others laugh as a clown. While she isnt the best and can sound awkard she tries her best for others, because thats whats right to do, despite how much she is scared. After keiji gets coffined, anzu goes to see keiji in the coffin and tries to cheer him up with the worst joke ever and it makes him truly laughs from how bad it is. Reko see nao painting and gets depressed about it,feeling like she was able to save nobody whether her brother or lover, anzu decides to show her some epic clown skills and absolutely fails, reko laughs finding the kiddo endearing. After alice discovers that midori had hanged out with reko, he wants to destroy him and get filled with rage but anzu tells him to do the breathing exercises she used to do before any performance. Anzu could be used as this idea of childlike kindness a little light in the dark of the group especially in logic route. She can still be a fail girl clown make her bicker with kurumada more, make her be so impressed by how calm mai is, make her despize ranmaru in logic route, make her a dumb kid with tehir cool aunt/uncle with the yabusames. MAKE HER EXIST. SAME FOR HAYASAKA, hayasaka is supposed to be a straight man type character make him even more of a loser, make him silently judge the crazy ass people he is with, do his development litteraly not Five minutes before his death. A character being simple isnt a problem, what is a problem is not using them to their fullest, and for me in the state that they are in currently anzu and hayasaka are bad characters in term of the narrative.

SHIN

Okay so shin isnt a character in chapter three, he’s just there, I’m putting that low because he is a main character. The problem with shin being a bot, is that we just left one of the craziest chapters for him to do nothing, I understand him being stunned by midori and stuff. But I still think this is quite a letdown, especially for the obvious parralels between him and maple almost never being utilized. You can tell nankidai didn’t have the time or want to do much with the guy, which is bonkers considering THIS IS THE CHAPTER WE MEET HIS ABUSER. Then why isnt shin lower? Because shin is the type of character to have development throughout the story, who has a continuous storyline etc, which means that even though he didn’t get anything special this chapter next chapter he will get it. Its not a case of actual waste of character ,its more so, putting the character in the drawer for now. I am not scared for shin writing because he will always get something and always had something. Which makes is non importance in chapter 3-1 not that bad

KANNA

OKAY SO I WILL TRY TO NOT BE BIASED. Kanna characterization disappointing me In 3-1. As the biggest kanna fan, I think nankidai doesn’t care that much about her character as an actual protagonist. This one will be a bit longer but to explain why it was bad I need to do some sidenotes.

Sara is the protagonist of yttd, and keiji and gin are deutarogonist (idk how its written forgive me I’m french, please tell me if its badly written). Sara throughout the story goes trough many changes and developments, while characters like gin and keiji stay pretty much the same the whole story before 3-1. Sara main development is her living with the grief of losing joe and her importance in the group. While keiji is this morally grey, in the end bad person because of his actions guy, that still deeply cares and wants the best for sara, but what he does for her like putting so much responsibility isnt good for her in the end, it creates this codependent dynamic where keiji wishes to protect sara but in the teaches her how to be like him despite him wishing the inverse. Is keiji a good influence? A bad one ? I would say a bad one, but does he care for her? He sures do, and would do anything to protect her. Why am I going a tangent you might say, because shin and kanna are the mirror to keiji and sara. They are in the end the same. Kanna is a direct parralel to sara story wise, which is why I think if the story was twisted the point of view would be either shin or kanna. Kanna is the emotional core of the game, the soul I would say even, her development has a character is the deepest and most complex. Going trough hell, wishing to die to then deciding to live not herself yet but for the people that loved her, Kanna went trough some of the worst events out of the cast, litteraly everyone she even remotely liked or was friends with dies. And yet she decided to stand, for them, for their wishes, that makes kanna the most emotionally strong character in all of yttd. Because compared to sara she had almost no help and was left to her suicidal tendencies. Kanna represents hope and bravery in its purest sense. Thats why kanna is the soul of yttd, she litteraly made shin realised that he could care about others again. But despite all of that kanna was always in the shadow of someone, lacking self worth and self confidence feeling the need to be protected by others, hiding behind shin schemes despite how dodgy they were. Shin was her shield, and now he is gone, and kanna has never been more alone than now. Two people died for her, she hates herself and wishes to go seem them deeply, but she has to stand up for them. And what do we get for chapter three!!!! One scene. Thats fucking it. Okay maybe a little bit more but like god its bad. Kanna is implied in one scene that she doesn’t understand why shin would sacrifice himself for her, which implies that she doesn’t understand that people could love her, which could imply that in general she doesn’t get why either kugie or shin did this for her. COOL ONE IMPLICATION. And like if you read the scene where she says that she will like be epic for them, its implied that kanna doesn’t feel better and is still very much suicidal she still hates herself, kanna doesn’t think she can live, but she has to survive for them. Kanna is implied to be in survival mode more than having hope to be outside. OKAY COOL.

Now I have a question, why does for kanna we have to acively search for her to have any actual development and like relevance, while for other character its more laid out. Why does sara get a scene where we see her change mentality after seeing the joe ai, while kanna GETS OFF SCREEN DEVELOPMENT. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I HATE ITS OFF SCREEN DEVELOPMENT. WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GUESS A REASON A CHARACTER CHANGED. Plus kanna is a victim of this almost all the time, which is why people call her flat or not as interesting as shin (I heavily disagree I could write so many pages about her). Kanna is a character which is made in subtlety, which isnt a problem, what is a problem is that she is perhaps the only one. Kanna like I said is a very important character for both routes and yet she is barely treaten has a main protagonist, she is a sidekick, and thats a problem. Because of that her individuality and complexities are not explored. For example I think kanna has many many actual flaws that are barely treated in the narrative, she is far from a perfect kind person, but never tackled on. Kanna is a character that not only never gets a W but also get no breathing room. THIS IS THE FIRST CHAPTER KANNA IS MORE PROACTIVE AND YET WE DONT SEE HOW HER. Yes there is some things that show that, but again its not protagonist level of development, it feels like non important side character development for a character that shouldn’t be that. Kanna SHOULD be a protagonist of yttd, and should get finally her chance to shine instead of always being in someone shadow. I not making pessimistic claims right now since the last chapter isnt out, but I’m very much not hopeful about how nankidai will handle her #challengewriteafemalecharacterwiththesamerespecthasamaleone.

ALICE AND REKO

I Have already written many post about this, but post chapter 2-1, Nankidai had no idea what to do with yabusames, they havent had any actual interresting impact except from lore in any chapter. They become background character especially after nao death. Despite being actual game changing choice, alice and reko are useless to the narrative. WHY? Because nankidai had decided to get them killed by sheep boy, and since nankidai clearly wrote emotion route before logic route, in emotion route he had no idea what to do with them so the became npc’s. Alice relaionship with cast has not evolved from chapter 1, and reko became just one of sara goons. I think this ties into another problem, the emotion route problem, what should make emotion route compelling the character which is supposed to represent it, kanna and the emotion route based choices, but since kanna and the other yabusame gets zero content, emotion route seems like the least interesting route. Because nankidai was more lazy doing it which is a clear problem. That affects the yabusame heavily, sicne he had no plans with them past death. Thats why they are static. Its also linked to another problem which I will mention later. But yes nankidai simply doesn’t know what to do with them, which is especially worst for alice a character that is LINKED TO THE ENTIRE CHAPTER. I think its not only a waste of alice and reko, but also a sign of favoritism. I think nankidai simply cares less about complex ideas for emotion route, I will perhaps write in another post all he could have written interesting for emotion route. Now lets get into THE REAL STINKER OF THE CHAPTER.

NAO EGOKORO: HOW TO MESS UP THE MESSAGE OF CHARACTER

What. The. Actual.shit. I have no words except from that. This out of every charcater bothers me probably the most and actively pisses me off. Imagine writing a character, a female character who was shown as capable and strong despite being an emotional person, imagine creating a character which showed the defiance of asunaro, the fact that yes despite their overwhelming sense of control and power, that there was in fact a way to beat them at their games, imagine writing a character that fought against adversity and had the only canonical route where despite all their wishes that character won, imagine creating a character with a doomed fate which is in direct parallel to another character and shows why he somewhat has the right to be scarred, imagine writing a tragic story about a girl who was only brought here to suffer and be a tool for the progression of A MAN in the canonical narrative, imagine writing a character who entire existence was a tool for asunaro and died because of them, imagine writing that the floormasters consider her useless and non important because she isnt some holy participants, imagine writing that. Okay so imagine that after this poignant ending you decide to do another chapter where you mention her 1 time in a non essential dialogue. THIS IS INSULTING. Because what this honestly says is that, yes nao life truly was unimportant, we get references to greenbling death in the chapter, NAO DIED LIKE THREE HOURS AGO. THIS MESSES UP THE ENTIRE MESSAGE.

This feels like nao was some kind of rug, that when not needed could be trhown out, was her death just shock value, was that the goal of her character. I wanna remind that yes nao was only brought to boost mishima percentages, which mean she was only a tool for another man progression. THERE IS SO MUCH META POSSIBLE COMMENTARY ON THIS. Asunaro who uses children and women as toys for their own goals, that they will throw out when not needed. But instead the fact that nao was completely forgotten just deepens this idea that yes in fact they were right, she was unimportant, and thst deeply isulting I think. Why does every chapter mishima comes back while we get no mention of nao. Why is there a clear focus in this game about more stereo typically strong stoic figures, isn't this entire game about the conflict between emotion and logic. Why does characters like kanna and nao representations of the conflict get zero content. Characters like kanna and nao MATTER, they are perhaps some of the only representation of empowerment that people like me can relate. Because I will be truthful, logic route is in fact not the good choice, not in narrative standpoint (logic route is awesome for the narrative for sure), in a moral standpoint, its an extremely good idea of course. But the message of the game is that in the end its wrong, it’s a wrong choice to act or pretend to be an emotionless logic based robot, keiji is in the wrong, shin is in the wrong, midori is in the wrong. Whats the point of a moral dilemma if you don’t talk about it from one side. THEN WHY DOES THE CHARACTERS THAT REPRESENT THE INVERSE GET ZERO CONTENT. I think nao disappearance is not only one of the most disappointing things in all of yttd but genuinely gets me scared for the future of yttd themes.

Now that we finished every character, you may wonder, why, why is this chapter characterization so bad? What even happened? Ill tell you what happened, there is two reason everything went to shit and let me list it here:

THE SARA PROBLEM OR WHY THIS CHAPTER PLOT FOCUS IS ASS .

YTTD chapter three was way more plot focused than any of the chapters I would say, and honestly thats great for the narrative, if only it was done well. Remember my speeches about the characters about how like 60% of the cast is useless to the narrative, characters we know since a while, why do characters have no development, why does the dummies gets jack shit to do etc. Thats because of one thing, this chapter prioritized PLOT over CHARACTERS. And how can I claim this, because most scenes are sara and her doing everything. This chapter wasn't really about her, at all even, yet we have focused more on her reactions to the events that literally any characters. Chapter three at least half of it shouldn't have been sara focused. You might say what are you on about french? I’m gonna explain. I wanna state some example to show my point clearer, the reveal of why non candidates were brought here, why, in the flipping heck is sara the charcter in particular they choose to only know that, to have the big emotional scene, why especially in logic route, why?????? Yes she knew nao, sure thing, yeah she knew kai, but she wasn't the only person that knew them, sara didn’t even like mention nao almost the whole chapter, you want me to buy some emotional ass scene, for a charcter you barely even cared about showing in the narrative. I could think of a million characters who knwing this would flip out and have ACTUAL CHARACTER MOMENTS (kanna, reko, shin when he would learn that they brought kugie only to die which in the end CAUSED KANNA TO BECOME SUICIDAL AND DECIDE TO KILL HERSELF, GIN).

Another example the final scene where sara presses the button to get rid of midori that scene feels so empty, it doesn’t feel like a revenge or anything, midori has no emotional connection or link to sara, it doesn’t feel deserved, why out of everyone of the cast, why is midori getting killed by the person who he hurted the least. It feels like yeah sara the protag so she has to do it, it doesn’t feel cathartic because the characters that deserved the most to get this final bow didn’t get to get it. IM PRETTY SURE ANYONE IN THE ROOM COULD HAVE PRESSED THE BUTTON AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE EMOTIONALLY DRIVEN. I wanna discuss emotion route sara in particular, sara isnt as interresting as before in emotion route, since now she is healing and is closing her arc, which means that compared to logic route you don’t really have this want to see her arc which make scenes that should have been about other characters feel even more flat. I am not saying we should stop having sara as a protag no no of course, my problem is that we have seen that sara can work as the protag while focusing on other characters drama.

Example chapter 2-1, in 2-1 the focus is on reko and alice, and yet sara still has conflicts for herself, but they don’t seem to overpower the narrative. This intense sara focus destroyed the other characters screen time, and caused a lot of scenes that should hav been more impact to be less impact. Sara story in emotion route should have been the keiji stuff an ranmaru stuff mainly(and the whole logic route sara becoming crazy stuff too), the whole conflict with midori just felt like it was created only for the narrative. NOW I CAN FINNALY COME TO MY POINT. The sara focus was because yttd decided to focus more on the plot progression that character driven story, thats why sara does everything, thats why the characters have overall less to do. And imma be honest I did not come for yttd for the plot, people love yttd because of THE CHARACTERS, why do people play logic route, because they want to see shin evolve and sara too, why do people save kanna to fullfill shin wishes and save a kid they care for, what most people play yttd for is not the plot. YTTD IS A CHARACTERS DRIVEN STORY, characters not character. I genuinely don’t give a flying fuck about the plot if the characters are non existant, a bad plot can be carried by good characters, but a good plot will never carry bad characters. I know we are getting closer to the end, but yttd always had that balance between action and character moments. But I don’t think its only the direction of the story that is faulty. ITS the:

PACING

YTTD CHAPTER THREE PACING, wow we met this new guy midori, WTF REKO DEAD, anyway who cares lets move on. Thats it thats the pacing. THE CHAPTER IS WA TOO FAST. We go trough plot points so quiclky, we randmoly see reko/alice die then nothing, they don’t exist anymore, characters the cast know since the beginning, again for the dummies its logical, in a way, they don’t really know them, plus they are robots. RANDOM AHH REVEAL KANNA AND SHIN ARE ACTUAL SIBLINGS THEN NOTHING, NO MENTION, NO ACTUAL IMPORTANCE TO THE ROUTE, this only felt like this was added in for plot for logic route so that we know in advance that shin and kanna are siblings. The dummies just die at the end of the chapter in five minutes, qtaro dies in five minutes then the chapter ends. How do you want us to feel emotional weight for a character dying if you give us no time, joe death is one of the most viceral death because its slow and painful to watch, while if he died in chpater three he would have just exploed for shock value. Shock value thats how reko and alice death felt like, just that. Sara figuring out the whole participant thing, shock value thats it. The pacing is just horrible in this chapter so much so that I had actually forgotten kanna and shin were revealed to be siblings at the end of my first playtrough

CONCLUSION

I don’t think chapter three was bad per say, half of it was amazing truly, but the other half was incredibly disappointing, the whack characterization, the horrible plot focus and the pacing are terrible. Emotion route suffered the most because of this and I think on an objective standpoint is the worst written route (i’m the biggest emotion route glazer but like I can’t lie on how bad nankidai fumbled). I still love yttd and am full of hope that chapter three two will be the most amazing thing ever made, but I am scared of dissapointement now, I hope nankidai comes back to his roots wirting like chapter 2. If you like loved chapter 3-1 then honestly I wish I was you, I don’t like being dissapointed, I don’t like being let down, I am not critiquing from a place of hatred but from a very passionate fan, I know my opinion is pehaps not one of the most shared but as a fan of yttd for so many years I think we need to open our eyes to flaws. Perhap chapter 3-2 will fix everything I say and I hope so, I hope this post becomes outdated, but if it doesn’t then it would in my eyes truly ruin yttd. It won’t change chapter 2-2 changed my life and that kanna kizuchi saved me from a lot of dark times.I love yttd and i belive in nankidai and that why as a fan we shoudl critic his work

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