#the fear of death in general but also v much tied to her experiences after the necropolis

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

gfdkljflsd she sounds so exasperated

[nothorses]

So I have a question/something I'd like your input on, since I feel like you'd have something interesting to say about this.

Anyways, some background: i'm in a child and youth care program in a rather left leaning, relatively progressive college, in a rather left leaning/progressive city.

It's actually been a very validating experience so far--I feel so much more accepted here then at my last school, which, while it was located relatively close to the city, had a rather more conservative student body and faculty. I had to fight for accomodation and acceptance, and I didn't end up going to my convocation since, when I had asked, they said they wouldn't call my prefered name when I'd get the certificate at the ceremony, or use the right name on it (they made it seem that their hands were completely tied, even though I know of other schools who've done this exact thing, incl the school I'm at now, without needing proof of a legal name change).

Anyways, at this school, i'm even having instructors I don't even know well going to bat for me and using their connections to get the help I needed when I was having trouble with my name being displayed wrong in the online classroom. Like, thank god for having CYC's as profs, right?

So, to my point: one of our classes is all about inclusion and anti oppressive practices. It's literally the name of the class. I actually enjoy the class a fair bit--despite classes being virtual, my class is sharing a lot and there's a lot of bonding and openness going on in the virtual lecture space. It's encouraged me to be open about my own troubles as a trans person, and people have been v supportive.

In a recent lecture, we start talking about the different terms of discrimination against various groups that face oppression (like, racism, albleism, etc). So she asks us: what is the term for discrimination against trans people? And I say Transphobia. Because that's the term I see most often, and the one I say myself. Apparently the Proper term now is cissexism (or cisgenderism?), and I got chided for saying transphobia.

I went and turned my mic on and basically said that I feel like transphobia is the term the general population is only Just started to take seriously, and the instructor argued that as we're in an academic circle, and as CYCs, it's our job to use the most progressive terms to move things forward, and that we shouldn't be conflating the discrimination trans people face with a phobia. Since, not only does it validate the fear of trans people, but it's not fair to those that have legitimate phobias.

I dropped it there, but I was brave and I asked to speak with the instructor after class.

During that talk, I pretty much said that it's hard being probably the only trans person in at least first year, and being visible and open as one, and having to be told the "right" term to use for my own experiences. She could relate, she said, as she's a black woman, and have faced probably similar experiences from white people correcting her on terms she uses for her own experiences. She did say though, as she's in the role of an instructor, it is her job to educate herself, think on what they're saying, and potentially make changes to her language.

But, she also said she can't speak for my experiences, and she won't make me change my language.

I was appreciative, and I talked about things I've personally faced, and how, even just 10 years ago, trans people were treated so frequently as a joke. Even on screen deaths were funny in media. I brought up that the trans panic defense was still considered a valid defense to use in court not long ago (and still probably is in some places), and someone won a case recently that way. Even just the term "transphobia" is only just recently been taken seriously, in my eyes, while before it was often brushed off as not a legitimate concern. Even when I was first coming out, I was told I was just confused, or trans people were just doing it for attention. I still face open glares sometimes, purposeful misgendering, fights with my sister about some of her transphobic views she refuses to question... And while it was hard to be that vulnerable, the conversation ended on a very good note.

I personally don't feel ready to change this language. But I don't really know if I was in the right to argue all of this. I'm only one trans person, I don't want to talk over those who've probably fought to switch the language away from "transphobia" as the valid term. But, i'm in an awkward position of being an unofficial spokesperson as the token trans guy in the class, talking to a lot of folks who've admitted I am the first trans person they've met. So, i dunno, i'm weird with conflict and I was wondering what you're thoughts were on all of this.

This is kind of a tricky one for a lot of reasons, tbh? And I have... a few thoughts. This is already super long, so under the cut it goes!

The first thing is that “transphobia” and “cissexism” aren’t actually interchangeable; they’re different concepts. “Transphobia” refers to bigotry against trans people or transness in general, while “cissexism” or “cisgenderism” is appealing to (or is) the wider system of oppression. (x)

That’s not to say those words are actually used that way in practice, because they’re not, and I certainly don’t use them that way every time either. Like you said, “transphobia” is the word people more often understand. When I’m writing for or talking to audiences that don’t already have a strong background in trans theory, I stick to “transphobia” for clarity’s sake.

But if you’re positioning yourself as an educational authority on the subject, and even going so far as to correct trans people on those terms- you should know that. If your question is “which term refers to discrimination against trans people?”, your answer is reliant upon how you choose to define “discrimination” in that context.

It’s also reasonable to assume people would answer with the first term if they don’t know both of them, and what she’s set up sounds like an unfair “gotcha!” meant to cow uninformed cis people.

And tbh, I take issue with that. There’s a great essay on this- The Cycle of Socialization by Bobbie Harro. The core of this cycle, which allows oppression to continue and encourages its perpetuation, includes confusion and insecurity: oppression is complex, and big, and people are afraid of taking a stand and doing it wrong. They are insecure in their knowledge and position, and afraid that if they try, they’ll get it wrong, and they’ll be punished. So they stay silent. What is that “gotcha!” moment doing except enforcing that fear and silence?

The other thing here are her reasons for using “cissexism” instead. She’s absolutely right that there is dialogue about what terms to use, and her listed reasons are informed and well-educated. I don’t know how I feel about the discussion myself, honestly, as I’ve seen it from the start and I’ve watched it play out for multiple years.

I don’t know if I agree that it’s ableist, part of that being that the “-phobic” thing was originally created as a “compassionate justification” for people’s bigotry against gay people (though there is the “-misic/misia” replacement for “-phobia” if you prefer). That’s still problematic for different reasons; like she said, it might validate bigotry as “fear”. “Cissexism” illustrates bigotry as enforcing a system rather than being honestly rooted in feelings, and that’s generally a good thing, imo.

But, y’know, “transphobia” is what people readily understand, and punishing people for using it is counterproductive. Using “transphobia” as a starting point for a discussion and an understanding is helpful, too; it connects these ideas back to what people already know. It meets them where they are. If you want to add “cissexism” to their vocabulary from there, please do! But that shouldn’t be rooted in shame.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I thought I’d throw out what seemed to be the core of the issue to me, in case it resonated with you. If you still feel weird about the interaction, it might be worth it to address that with her again; she seems like she’s genuinely trying, and cares, and like she’s open to making changes. If nothing else, you might be able to sort out what’s still bugging you and address it as a feelings issue, rather than a language one, if that works better for you.

Good luck! And sorry for the super long answer, lol.

[campcampfanfan]

Ranking every CC episode (except the specials)

You read the title! Every episode except the specials will be ranked here and now, by your truly. TW for swearing. Also, spoilers, obviously. Remeber these are all my opinions, and enjoy!

Episodes I don’t like too much/ Don’t watch:

54:The Candy Kingpin

I know, I know, probably an unpopular take. I don’t really like Dolph, and think the series could have done without his whole… thing. I like him as a character, sorta, but I also don’t really like him. I honestly forgot this episode even existed until I looked it up, and the only thing I remember was Gwen and David’s conversation. The whole story was… eh? Whatever, it was still fine-ish in the long run.

53: Reigny Day

Enough said. Everyone’s lowkey kind of a jerk in this episode, except for Neil and Max for like two seconds.Also, Dolph jokes. Don’t like it.

52:Cameron Campbell the Campbell Camper

This one was pretty meh. I, once again, didn’t remember it existed until I looked it up. It wasn’t Cam’s best episode (I’ll get to that later), and it was kinda bland. Bland doesn’t mean bad though, but it just wasn’t the best. Only thing I remember was the wholesome Dadvid moment and Max saying a funny line. Enough said about that.

51: Anti Social Network

Now, I wasn’t too sure where to put this, because this was in theory a good episode. I just don’t like it. I’m not sure why, but Max being a tiny perv is very funny to me, because that is exactly what a ten year old is like. I just didn’t really find it interesting or catching my attention, but it wasn’t a bad episode.

50: The Order of the Sparrow

I get why you like this, I totally get it. It’s funny and lots of Dadvid, plus Gwen singing for the first time. Honestly, Gwen singing and David’s mental breakdown is what got this higher than Anti Social Network, but it’s still racist. I get it, it’s comedy, but it’s still really… interesting. I know the CC people are trying their best, and it’s a delicate balance, but I still skip over the first few minutes.

49: Jeremy Fartz

We love a hilarious mess up, Max cursing, and David making fun of someone, but it’s also a really awkward episode? Like, it makes for a really good backstory for Jeremy and joining the Woodscouts, but it’s such an odd episode. Not bad, just odd. Whatever, I still like it. Sorta….

48: Fashion Victims

Oh boy, Russian Waifu comes back. I love Ainsley, she’s my precious baby and Max’s purified Doppelganger, and I love her so much. But Sasha’s not my favorite character in the show, and she got especially mean in this episode. I love the whole Vera thing, but really dislike this one. I watch it once in a while, but not too often. Also, we love positivity from Tabii and Erin.

47:Time Crapsules

We love Gwen blushing, improvement from Max, and making fun of baseball. But this episode really hit me with second hand embarrassment for both Gwen and Max. You know when you can’t sit through an episode without getting second hand embarrassment? Yup, that’s this one. I wanted the guy coming through the door to be David and I’m salty, ok? This is my list, and we stan Gwenvid on this account.

46:Campfire Tales

Dolph’s story was boring, Space Kid was great, We love ghost parents. We l o v e Slenderman! AU David in this household, and I want to see more of them. Oh yeah, outfits were great. Max is a baby in this episode, and I love his fear because it makes you see that he really is a little boy with feelings. I also laugh at everyone’s faces after Space Kid’s story.

Ok Episodes/ Ones I do like:

45:Preston Goodplay’s Goodplay

Oooooo, this is a tough one. I love Preston as a character, because I too am a theatre kid who dislikes most people and wants to be famous for her storytelling. I can relate. I love how David talks to him, and how Preston comes to his realization that he doesn’t need to please everyone. Also, canon French Speaking! David is canon. Amazing. He’s still Candian! Anyway, Clown College was odd, but whatever, I can roll with it.

44: The Quarter Moon Convergence

We totally saw Zemug and no one said anything. No one! Why was no one talking about this! We saw the elder god! Anyways, I love Harrison and Quartermaster working together. It’s funny, it’s clever, and I want to see more of it. I do not like the subplot with the other characters, and it really took me out of the main story. Other than that, pretty interesting idea, and I love my pure magic boy!

43:Who Peed in the Lake

Ew. That’s all I need to say about it. It’s extremely funny, I like the motives, and I love detective Max. However, Nikki and the final answer are disgusting in this episode. It gross, it’s gross, it’s gross, but it’s so funny. I know I have the humor of an eight year old, I don’t care.

42:New Adventure

I love how this episode was played out. Funny, clever, and overall pretty ok. Plus, guess who shows up? Dirty Kevin, my friends! Best trash boy :)

Overall pretty good! Not too many complaints, but not too many great things either.

41:The Fun Raiser

Hmmm… This was an… interesting episode. David and Gwen scheming is my new religion, and they are both idiots. Who the hell thought this plan was a good idea? David? I mean, he’s a little bit dipsy, but has SOME common sense. Gwen? Maybe, but you know, she’s logical. You know what? I’m being too picky. I love my dumbasses, they are the best. Also, Gwen sitting on David is everything I love in my life and everything I need. Harrison makes a very good point, Nikki probably found Jasper’s skull, and Max is my scheming child. Whatever, eh episode, love the plot, but I have cringed at it.

40: Foreign Exchange Students

Like I’ve said before, this episode is out of place. It’s not bad, it’s just… blandish. I know, I know, Russian Waifu was in it, but this episode was only ok. I love Vera and Brian, and the ending is super funny, but other than that, eh episode.

39:Attack of the Nurfs

I honest to gods forgot this episode existed. I ended up rewatching it, and had a few good laughs. Gwen in this episode, for the little time she appears, is so funny. David’s sparkle eyes always make me laugh, and Max ends up making me laugh most of all. Nurf takes “talking to yourself” to a whole new level, and I relate my man. Get that therapy!

38:Camp Cool Kidz

This episode is eh....? I love my tiny rebellious children, but I really hate Ered in this episode. It just feels… so unlike her. I get it, it’s the start of her ark, but really and truly I disliked her character in this episode. On the other hand, Nikki is me trying to flirt with other women. She’s my little baby Pansexual, and I love her to death. Honestly, I really enjoy Nikki episodes, so yeah. Also, the literal moment I began to love Gwen with the “Stab her bitch!” line.

37:Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak

Honestly, I almost never watch this episode, but I still really like it. Nerris’s lines, the battle between two magic folk, the one liners, the ending, oh it was really good. However, some of the parts were boring, it’s not the best, but it’s still pretty good. Whatever, I like Nerrison and magic, so boom.

36:Escape from Camp Campbell

Honestly, what a classic. First episode, Gwen being overall great, “No Running”, Max being a  tiny Satan, Nikki and Neil being amazing. But, once again, it’s the first episode, which means some things aren’t the best. But! I do enjoy this one, and watch it sometimes.

35:Mind Freakers

Eh… It’s pretty ok. We love Harrison and Neil being jerks to each other, and we love Max having an identity crisis, but all I could really think through this was “Poor Max” and “This is a really stupid and petty fight”. It really is petty, which isn’t bad, but I feel like ti was an odd episode. Not bad, I thoroughly enjoy it, I just couldn’t swallow normal for a few days….

One I really like/ Second highest ranking:

34:Romeo and Juliet 2: Love Resurrected

Bon Bon~! Yay! We love David for having a Tinder, for Max’s amazing performance, and the drama! That being said, it’s overall a pretty good episode! Not the best, but pretty good!

33:Mascot

Welp, I feel like you all know what I’m getting at. The jokes are well landed, Muack appears for the first time ( and steals the show, and that’s the tea), and my girl Nikki is so precious. Quartermaster is weird as hell, and speaking of which…

32: Quartermaster Appreciation Day

I know, it’s gross, it’s weird, I hate the relationship almost as much as I can, but this episode is so freaking funny. So many of the jokes are well timed, some classic lines come from this episode, and Quartermaster being his weird self is a major playing factor.

31: Space Camp was a hoax

More Gwen and David being two idiots sharing one brain cell? Hell yes, lay it on me. Space Kid is so funny, and his inner dialouge is fantastic. Also, Nikki cursing is incredible, even if it isn’t really on screen. Gwen’s line “Is this what success feels like?” is a major mood, and I just generally think it’s a good episode.

30: Ered gets her cool back

We love Nerris and Ered’s relationship in this household, ok? Older sporty sister spends time with dorky younger sister who has more common sense? Bigger sister gets better at being with other people and learns a lot form the experience? Nikki”s outfit? All major amazing things I love in this episode. But, the plot was a little eh, and I got second hand embarrassment.

29:Jasper dies at the end

All I have to say is H O O E Y

28:Cameron Campbell can’t handle the truth serum

Dolph’s autstic? Oh, ok, that’s pretty cool! We love representation. Anyways, this was an odd episode. Not good, not bad, just… odd. The therapy and plant jokes made my dad have to come in and check on me because I was laughing so loud, and most of the other jokes hit well. But it was… eh plot wise. It was pretty good joke wise though!

27:Journey to Spooky Island

Jasper, Quartermaster’s ahem… thing, and Max screaming were the best things in this episode. This episode is pretty great if I do say so myself, but this is ranked lower because I did not need to imagine Quartermaster like that. Excuse while I go burn out my eyeballs.

26: Camporee

Fuck Pikeman. All my homies hate Pikeman. No seriously, he is my least favorite character on the show. His sexism and gross advances really get to me, and the way he treats Gwen is disgusting. Now I have that out of the way, I actually enjoyed this episode, except for Pikeman. Hot take, I know. I’ve seen the Pikeman X Reader stuff on Wattpad. Whatever, back to the topic. Episode was good overall, especially the lesson. Each person’s talents were fantastic, and the ending itself was great. 

25:Camp Corp

We stan business Gwen and her telling Nancy to shut up.I love the plot, forcing three people who usually don’t work together to solve a common problem. I love that, and it does make for an interesting story. However, there are some flaws to the episode, but it’s overall pretty fantastic!

24:Follow the Leader

Are you kidding me? This was a great idea. Funny, creative, inventive, and overall pretty good. Playing with how each character leads was a great idea, and very inventive to give them all a common goal. Why it’s so low is personal pettiness. Pikeman, and Jasper was probably on the island when it blew up.

23:Squirrel Camp

Why is this so high up? *Looks at notes* Oh yeah, it’s so stupid I actually like it. No, but for real though, I know people don’t like this one as much as I do, but I think it’s pretty funny. Sure, dumb idea and kind of mediocore, but to me it’s so fun and entertaining. I’m sorry if you don’t agree, but you can make your own list if you’d like. It’s such a weird plot it’s entertaining. You get me?

22:Panicked Room

I just really like this episode, no rhyme or reason. It’s really funny and romantic, and the interactions were so good. David and Gwen through this episode were amazing for the mere seconds they were on screen, but it was overall pretty good!

21: City Survival

I couldn’t remember much of what happened in this so I ended up rewatching it. We love Dirty Kevin, David’s reaction to the city, and David being a homeless twink. Gwen also has the fancy outfit in this episode, and I am all for that.

20: Cookin Cookies

Three girls accidentally start a meth lab and go all breaking bad? Hell yes.It’s funny, the completion of everyone getting father figures, and it’s an overall good idea. It’s creative, good, it’s amazing. I really wanted to know what the main three were doing though, I’m actually kinda curious. Anyways, good story, and very enjoyable.

19:Keep the change

I found this episode very entertaining! Dadvid, Campbell getting better, funny moments, and a good plot! It’s really a great episode, and establishes what the season will be about. In fact, I believe I have themes for all the seasons:

Season 1:Beginnings

Season 2: Family

Season 3:Friends

Season 4: Change

18:Parent’s Day

Ok, Ok, know, Dadvid, but really I feel like this episode is a tiny bit overhyped. I love the Dadvid, Candy and Carl (Except I really don’t ship Neil/Nikki anymore), and how Max’s … situation is handled. Yes, I am on the side of thinking Max’s parents are abusive or at least ignorant. They just don’t care, and that’s where Max’s attitude comes from. It was well handled, and I very much like this episode.

17:Dial M for Jasper

I love Jasper with all of my heart, and watching his backstory was both heartbreaking and amazing. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Watching it made me hate Campbell more than I did, and I expect the episode where David finds out about Jasper would be heartbreaking. David most likely screams and curses at Campbell, and takes off. I’m hoping Gwen runs after him, but that’s wishful thinking.\

16:David gets hard

The ending is amazing, I love learning about Nurf’s trauma, and watching Gwen,Max, and David scheming is incredible. It was interesting to see Nurf's side of the story, and it was pretty good. Enough said.

15:Cult Camp

Yes, it is high. The song is amazing, the plot is amazing, and Daniel’s stupidity is amazing. He is a very good villain, and it works with the comedy of the show. If everyone wants, I will write an essay on Daniel and what he means to the show. Anyways, good episode, funny and inventive.

14:Bounjour Bonqueesha

Oh, what to say about this episode! I love Bon Bon, but her breaking up with David an hour before their date? Not so cool. Whatever. Watching Gwen comfort David made my day, my week, my month. It was amazing. The “I’m a girl” line was extremely funny, because me too Nikki. Me too. Anyways, loved it!

13:The Lake Lilac Summer Social

Oh, what an episode! Gwenvid, Makki (I sorta ship it? Eh?), love triangles, Gwen going ship crazy (me too, man, me too), and David being level headed for once. Uh, so glad this episode exists. Only bad part, Pikeman and Jeremy. That’s literally it.

12:Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot

The ending was gross, but whatever. No judgement. Funny episode, and I love how the experimented with the points of view. Petrol’s side was a nice gag and it was overall a good episode! No complaints other than the weird ending.

11:After hours

Honestly, this is a tie with the next one. It is a great look at what happens after all the kids go to bed, what Gwen and David have to deal with, and what goes on outside the camp. The Gwenvid is strong with this episode! It’s really funny and creative. Also, ChibiKawaiiCat97 is absolutely a real username out there, I’m sure it is. Gwen deserves all the good things.

My Favs!

10:Scout’s Dishonor

Neeancy, my child! Yeah! Also, Neil cursing out of nowhere? Amazing. It’s so high up because it actually was the first episode I saw a clip off! It’s what got me into Camp Camp overall, but it’s not listed up there because I do like others better.

9:The Forest

I know, not number one. It’s an amazing episode, with a great plot and a good lesson, but I physically cannot watch it without sniffling. Yes, I know, I’m pathetic for crying at this, but I really see the pain. You can feel the fear in his voice, and it always makes me so sad. Whatever, I still love this episode.

8:Into Town

I mean, I have no rhyme or reason, I just love this one. I can’t even think of a flaw for this one! It’s kind of an amazing thing! A lovely episode with good visuals and amazing dialogue!

7:The Butter Fingered Effect

An amazing episode about change. I love Neil cracking, Ered becoming a nerd, Nikki becoming a scientist, and the counselor outfit swap. I appreciate Gwen wearing David’s clothes, because that’s amazing. I like the theme of change that fits with Season 4. Good episode with almost no flaws!

6:Eggs Benefits

I love Max and Nikki interacting, trying to take care of the egg and Nikki basically having a panic attack. I just love Nikki episodes in general, ok? Don’t judge. Whatever. Preston and Nurf, were um, problematic, to say the least. Whatever, the ending was funny, and this episode is dear to my heart.

5.Camp Loser says what?

Wow… Gwen in a wood scout uniform is actually really pretty! Entire episode was pretty much a fanfiction come to life, and we love the team for that. Uh, I yearn for more fanfic like episodes. God, if you have followed me for long enough, you’d know I would love for the fans ideas to become canon.Anyway, good plot, glad Daniel came back in this way and Pan and/or Bi David is canon

4:Nikki’s Last Day on Earth

I wasn’t expecting that! Honestly, I didn’t see the twist and thought it was a good idea! Funny, creative, and shows off Max’s jerkiness. We love Max development and amazing plots. We also love a Mother and Daughter relationship between Gwen and Nikki. More of that please1

3:Gwen gets a job

This is so damn creative, I love this episode so much. Gwenvid fuel, Max being a terrible person, Gwen breaking down and David comforting her. I bet Gwen never heard a speech that encouraging in her life…

2:Party Pooper 

I know you thought this was going to be number one! Haha, tricked you! But really, this is an amazing episode. The way Gwen bonds with her father, the beautiful scene at the end, the background, everything. I love a good “Gwen is underappreciated” episode, and that’s why this gets second. Almost no flaws! Which leads to number one….

1:Something Fishy!

What an amazing episode! I have never seen “Shape of Water”, but this one is just incredible. Gwen is an underappreciated overworked mess, and she finds what seems likes the perfect option. But turns out it isn’t what it seems, and it’s amazing. Also, this episode has so much Gwenvid fuel, it’s amazing. The art is amazing, Gwen’s dress is amazing, it’s all perfect. No flaws here for me!

[ogwrites]

The Law of Provocation

The law of provocation, as defined in the case of R v Duffy (1949), is some act, or series of acts, or words spoken, that causes in the ordinarily reasonable individual and the accused, a sudden and temporary loss of self-control, rendering the accused so subject to passion as to make him or her for the moment, not master of his or her mind.

The Offences Against the Person Act (Jamaica) s. 6, tells us that where a jury can find that a person charged with murder was provoked to lose his self-control, it must be determined whether the provocation in question was enough to cause a reasonable man to retaliate as he did, taking into account the kind of effect the things done or said might have on a reasonable man.

Provocation, as a defense to manslaughter, was instituted as a concession and recognition of human infirmity and imperfection, and an acknowledgement that due to the frailty of man, it is not possible for him to always stand upright, as we are told in Jersey v Holley (2005). In this case, the deceased, Holley’s girlfriend, expressed to him that she had been with another man. After this, Holley, with his axe, intended to leave, when his girlfriend began taunting him that he didn't have the guts to hurt her (as she took him leaving with his axe as a threat toward her). In response, Holley struck his girlfriend with the axe multiple times, killing her.

In a modern context, the law of provocation has come under much scrutiny. We are told in Holley that it is meant to acknowledge human frailty, but it has been accused over the years of recognizing primarily male frailty, that the law of provocation is sexist, and that lastly, it is inherently homophobic.

The Law of Provocation as Rooted in Sexism:

The law of provocation came about to deal with struggles that emerged as a result of perceived threats to a man's honor or masculinity, which might cause him to explode in anger and retaliate violently. Additionally, it was also mostly included in cases of men responding violently to cases of female infidelity, seeking provocation as a defence.

The law of provocation could be viewed as that which is sexist based on how it had, in its outset, treated cases of domestic violence against women. It has also received backlash of this kind regarding the particular state of mind that is required from an abused woman before the law could be made available to her as a defence.

In the case of Duffy, the appellant had attacked and killed her husband with a hammer and a hatchet while he was sleeping. Her husband had subjected her to violence throughout her marriage. In the case of R v Ahluwalia (1992), the appellant set her husband on fire, from which he died after six days. The marriage between them was arranged, and the husband was often violent, abusive and threatening toward her. Additionally, he was having an affair. In R v Thornton (1992), the appellant stabbed her husband in the stomach and killed him. He was often verbally abusive toward her, and he had threatened that he would kill her. In R v Humphreys (1995), the appellant stabbed her partner to death. He was often violent towards her and lived off of her earnings. She often cut herself as a means of self-harm, and her partner used knowledge of this to further abuse her with taunts about her inability to properly kill herself.

This list of cases, when dissected for their various holdings and resulting legal concepts, have seen to take after what might only be described as an evolution. It also, based on these same resulting concepts, have shown the changes in the way that the courts have gone about providing adequate protections for women.

In Ahluwalia (which followed the reasoning of the court in the case of Duffy), the appellant's actions could not, in the eyes of the court, be deemed as that which resulted from provocation, and it was held that where one has a delayed reaction to the provocation, it implies premeditation, and that the appellant's actions were more likely to be deemed as deliberate, therefore provocation is easier to be disproved. This case treated provocation as a one-off situation that must be responded to with force as it occurs and goes ahead to make any fears of the woman equal to premeditation or revenge. Some might even say that this ties into the stereotype that women are known to be 'scheming', and that the courts would not see it fit to reward this 'female characteristic'.

The case of Thornton added that where provocative acts and retaliation to them were concerned, provocative acts that occurred over the course of a domestic relationship that failed to incite a sudden and temporary loss of control could not amount to a provocation in law, due to the absence of a 'last straw', or a last provocative act that breaks the woman down and causes her to lose her control and respond violently. This kind of reasoning, while it can be viewed as a tiny step forward, faltered in that it almost invalidates the cumulative trauma of the abused woman, and causes one to think about whether the situation she reacted to was in and of itself 'big enough' to warrant such a reaction. It dismisses the backdrop or context of abuse and oppression that has resulted in the response of the woman.

The above evolution of cases regarding women and the law of provocation was deemed as sexist because of the gaps between what the law required and the actual protections the women needed, based on their situations. Furthermore, where the courts hold firm to the law’s requirement that the loss of control be sudden, and by disregarding the role of the fear an abused woman might face before she retaliates to her abuser, and yet making it so 'easy' for men to rely on this law for retaliating to slightly more trivial provocations, the law of provocation is deemed as sexist.

This feeds into the view that the law of provocation was made for, and catered to, the problems, whims and uncontrollable anger that might be characteristic of men—thus making it sexist and a source of inequality, undermining the pursuit of justice and fairness.

Then came the case of Humphreys, which recognized what is referred to as the 'battered wife syndrome', a psychological condition that might emerge when a person experiences abuse (especially prolonged abuse) at the hands of someone they are intimate with. During the time this case came about, there had been more moves away from sexism regarding the provocation law—and an emergence of thinking that fear along with anger were applicable to the doctrine of provocation, which opened up the defense for more women to be able to use. The case of Humphreys also recognized the possible effects of an accumulation of provocative acts on the victim of these acts.

And while the above list of cases shows a progression in the thinking of the courts towards abuse, taking strides to dismantle the inherent sexism that laid in the law of provocation from its outset, this progression from Duffy to Humphreys has taken a total of forty-seven years. When put against the comparative ease with which the courts have allowed men, for more trivial issues (as previously expressed) to use the doctrine of provocation, it is a great injustice.

Regarding the doctrine of provocation, though, the injustices don't stop there.

The Law of Provocation as Rooted in Homophobia

It was expressed previously that the law of provocation was implemented as an acknowledgement of human frailty. But should this human frailty extend to situations resulting in violence, homophobia and hatred towards persons that experience same sex attraction?

It was also previously established that the law of provocation came about in a time when it was required to navigate disputes that arose due to men feeling as though their honour or masculinity was being threatened. Where heterosexual men feel as though a homosexual is making a sexual advance towards them, and where the he retaliates violently, the law seemingly gives the him a pass, licensing his rage and validating his hatred. It insinuates that a homosexual advance is an insult to the heterosexual man, warranting him to feel angry and provoked. It is not considered that the violent reactions of these men come as a result of homophobia and heteronormative expectations, as opposed to as a result of genuine provocation or anger.

The law has been quicker to recognize why a man who has been pursued by a homosexual might kill, as opposed to why a woman who has endured violence for years at the hands of her husband might retaliate violently toward him. In this comparison lies a clear injustice, and some might go as far to say a clear bias towards the whims of heterosexual men and what they deem to be repugnant.

This is because, as it is explained in The Constitutionality of the "Homosexual Advance Defence" in the Commonwealth Caribbean, written by Se-Shauna Wheatle, the provocation law was designed to protect the honor and virtue of the heterosexual male (as opposed to the general interests of all), and thus views a same-sex advance toward him as a violation of that honor.

It is to be further noted that in a number of Caribbean Commonwealth jurisdictions, it is a crime to be a homosexual, as evidenced in the Offences Against the Person Act of Jamaica, s. 76. The law of provocation caters to the "ordinary" or "reasonable" man who seeks to protect himself and his family from all kinds of crime and deviance. To this effect, it was expressed in the case of Marcano v The State (2002) that an "attempt to commit sodomy on the person of another" is an "atrocious crime", and therefore justifies the killing of the "attacker".

Therefore, where a man kills another because he has provoked him by threatening to diminish his honor through some crime, like raping his wife or daughter for instance, the law views a homosexual advance as being on equal footing with crimes such as these. Herein lies the crux of the matter, and why the provocation law may be deemed inherently homophobic.

To make a general conclusion, although provocation was instituted as a recognition of human frailty and imperfection, it has been accused over the years of primarily recognizing male frailty. The provocation law was viewed as sexist for this reason, and also because of the flawed way in which it treated women that retaliated against abuse from their intimate partners and because of the gaps between what the law requires and what these women might need to be protected. The provocation law made it easier for a man to use the defense (for less more trivial issues at times) than it did for a woman, because it catered primarily to the problems, whims and uncontrollable anger of these men. However there have been changes in the way that the courts have gone about providing adequate protections for women in recent years, with the result that the provocation is more ‘open’ now, for the use of women. On another note, the provocation law has made significantly less strides regarding its inherent homophobia. The human frailty that the law recognizes seemingly extends to situations resulting in violence, homophobia and hatred towards persons that experience same sex attraction. The law gives the man who kills another for making a homosexual advance towards him a pass and licenses his rage. The provocation law, in this way, not only primarily caters to the whims of men, but to the whims of heterosexual men in particular, and what is deemed by them to be repugnant.

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

12th Doctor:

The Twelfth Doctor is often viewed as a darker, colder Doctor. He is a more abrasive character than many of The Doctor’s faces. He didn’t lie about who and what he was like many of the new Doctors do. He is really grappling with the Time War’s effects on himself, having lived in a war on Trenzalore, many of the things he has done or chosen to do that facilitated harm and very prominently all of the loved ones he’s lost before, during and after the wars.

The idea of being a soldier or general vs being The Doctor hangs heavy on him. He not only played a general and war hero during the time war “The Doctor of war” but was also the default commander of the Trenzalore war, the target of much of the violence and the de facto leader of the town during the siege. His deep fear of who he really is, and distaste for anything related to soldiers does stem from the Time War but regenerating off the war on Trenzalore made him have to grapple even further because he spent so much time having to experience it all over again.

In this Doctor's run we get some references back to his earliest incarnation and life on Gallifrey in series 9 a chunk of this is mostly plot-related in the concept of the Time Dial and Hybrid but even that added to other information gives insight to his early life which connects with all of the New Who Doctors, and greatly with the Twelfth Doctor in interesting ways.

"Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?

Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?

Woman: You know why.

Man: There'll be no crying in the army.

Woman: Hush.

Man: Don't pretend you're not awake. We're not idiots.

Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army.

Woman: He doesn't want to join the army. I keep telling you.

Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord."

This scene is in TV: Listen is connected well with much of what we knew before about The Doctor's lonely childhood, his experience of always been regarded as a renegade, was disliked in school, not liking the rigid society, having anxiety even as a kid and being generally isolated [save The Master]. In this story, it also ties into the way that even into this regeneration The Doctor deals with fears and anxiety he tries to hide and intellectualize. This also sets up a baseline of possible attachment struggles that have worsened with complex trauma.

In TV: Witch's familiar Missy describes The Doctor as a young Time Lord, It’s told in a bit of humour manner but connects in with the more serious discussion on TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent.

“Doctor: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. And we just need the code.

Clara: What and the kid told you the secret?

Doctor: Ah, no, he didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again, so they say.

Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.

Doctor: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.

Clara: Was she, er, Was she nice, the President's wife?

Doctor: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Shabogans. It was the President's daughter. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it.

Clara: I'd know you anywhere.

Doctor: I was a completely different person in those days. Eccentric, a bit mad, rude to people.”

This conversation again adds a bit to The Doctor stories adding to things like the Tenth Doctor’s discussion of the Untempered Schism shaping The Doctor even from a young age. This also connects with The Doctor's self-perception, the above attachment issues and talks about how his history on Gallifrey has influenced his identity issues.  

The Doctor Struggles with boundaries, something that we know is connected with his alien tendencies [and if you read my Autistic/Adhd sections it ties with that] but I think his emotional and identity enmeshment with Clara and to some degree Missy has a tie into his history of loss and trauma ( TV: Under The Lake & TV: The Witch’s Familiar). We see that The Doctor tends to either care for people an intense amount or have difficulty forming a connection, this also applies to his trust ( TV: Time Heist, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Zygon Invasion TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, & TV: The Pilot, TV: The Lie of The Land)

The Doctor has poor boundaries with Clara, in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death The Doctor enters Clara’s bathroom while in the tub in the TARDIS, he has little care for how this would cross boundaries. The Doctor also very often relies on her for how he sees and values himself putting his Duty of Care over anything else. In TV: Dark Water we see another example,

“Clara: You're going to help me?

Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did. I just

Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

Clara crossed an extreme line in this episode having, in her mind, drugged The Doctor and destroyed his ability to get into his home and possible stranding them in a deadly position. As The Doctor point’s out he betrayed him deeply and let him down. The most telling part here isn’t to me that he helps her out, it’s that he doesn’t set this up as a time of “forgiving” her for having done something that could have hurt them both, but that it doesn’t make a difference. Betraying him could never make a difference, a level of extreme trust and lack of autonomy from her.

Being without her makes him reckless (TV: The Witch’s Familiar) and the ability to possibly protect her will make him cross lines, ones of keeping himself safe (TV: Last Christmas) and his own personal moral standards (TV: Face The Raven). In TV: Heaven Sent he describes life as not being worth living without her while trying to figure out if he can get out of the situation he questions if its work it saying,

“Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

The Doctor and Clara’s identities become enmeshed in The Doctor’s perception in TV: Heaven Sent he says,

“Doctor: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.”

This shows how she is part of his own internal thought process and his coping skills. And later in TV: Hell Bent along with his willingness to cross all his personal boundaries and the laws of time it’s discussed how they might, even if just in personal and outside perception, become a singular entity in the Hybrid.

“Doctor: Does it matter?

Ashildr: No. Because I have a better theory.

Doctor: Really?

Ashildr: What if the Hybrid wasn't one person, but two?

Doctor: Two?

Ashildr: A dangerous combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.”

Part of this enmeshed identities is connected to the concept of Favourite person which Clara Oswald fills the role of in seasons 8 & 9. He puts so much of himself into her in his self-perception and works hard to keep her safe. ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Time Heist).

This is shown in terms of ‘duty of care’, this also relates to his hero/god complex, feelings that he needs to control everything, deep fears and anxiety and guilt over people he can’t save. ( TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Face the Raven, TV: The Girl Who Died). He also shows a lot of jealousy towards her showing attention to others. (TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: Listen, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Caretaker, Comic: The Four Doctors)

In TV: The Caretaker Danny Pink comments on The Doctors need to keep her safe.

“Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?

Doctor: Yes.

Clara: What? What one thing?

Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.”

This protectiveness reaches its most extreme in Twelve shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent. He is also willing to hurt himself in order for her to not be hurt. This can be seen in TV: Dark Water & TV: The Witch's Familiar and allowing himself to be hurt for thousands of years in the Time Dial. (TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent)

This enmeshment isn't one-sided. Multiple Times Clara notes how important The Doctor is to her, stating he is essential to her in TV: Before the Flood, calling him the only person she really trusts (TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven) and desperately wanting to be like him. (TV: Flatline, TV: The Girl Who Died & TV: Face The Raven)

In TV: Listen Clara ends up on Gallifrey and tried to calm the young Doctor, she is then able to extrapolate this to her Doctor whom she knows and understands his fear of vulnerability but has also seen him when he is lost and hurt, knowing he is anxious. When she comes back she says;

“Clara: What if there was nothing? What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark.

Doctor: Where are we? Have we moved? Where have we landed?

Clara: Don't look where we are. Take off, and promise me you will never look where we've been.

Doctor: Why?

Clara: Just take off. Don't ask questions.

Doctor: I don't take orders, Clara.

Clara: Do as you're told.”

The way she explains can seem harsh, but keeping him from looking is important as she knows it would consume him trying to work out how they were on a past time lock Galifrey.

Missy becomes someone Twelve links personal image in the show as well. The Doctor and The Master has a long history of hurting each other and then forgiving it when maybe it doesn't make sense to. The Doctor will also often go over other people's heads in order to offer the hand to the master after they do harm to other people. It’s also been pointed out by people like the Rani that the master is overly obsessed with The Doctor. But The Doctor also has a history of connecting their personal identity to the master too. Something we can see throughout Twelve's run.

In TV: World Enough and Time Bil and The Doctor discuss why he wants Bill to help him with Missy’s test run helping others.

“Doctor: She's my friend. She's my oldest friend in the universe.

Bill: Well, you've got lots of friends. Better ones. What's so special about her?

Doctor: She's different.

Bill: Different how?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Yes, you do.

Doctor: She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

Bill: So more than anything you want her to be good?

...

Doctor: I know I can help her.”

In this quote, we see that The Doctor needs The Master to be good because of how much he sees of himself in her. There has to be redemption in the heart of The Master because he believes that it is a reflection of his own possibility of goodness, but also part of The Doctor needing to be able to help the people he cares for.

In TV: The Doctor Falls we see more of this trying to have Missy change and to have his friend fill the hole he has.

"Doctor: No! No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out, you and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. ... It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind. It's just that. ... And I will stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too, someday. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me."

....

Doctor: Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have. And I know what you're capable of. Stand with me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Missy: Me too. But no. Sorry. Just, no. But thanks for trying."

The Doctor easily forgives the masters’ betrayal when she tried to get him to shoot Clara. (TV: The Witch's Familiar) The next time they meet Twelve saves Missy’s life and vows to watch over and try to help her. (TV: Extremis)

The Doctor and Nardole’s relationship is interesting as we see that he works with The Doctor after having been close with his wife. Nardole has seen a lot of The Doctor's weak points and we can see that there is some trust there. Nardole while willing to push back, he is essentially The Doctor’s assistant. While having a license to “kick his ass” (TV: Extremis) for the most part he does as he is told, and when The Doctor does things he doesn’t have any real power over his actions. The Doctor's need for control is evident here but he showed himself as dependable something The Doctor needs as he tends to lose his control when alone.

Bill views The Doctor as her teacher and trusts him very quickly. (TV: Pilot, TV: Smile, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, & TV: World Enough and Time) . We see another side to their relationship in TV: Thin Ice. There we see her able to read the trauma and loss in his face but can also tell time has allowed him to blot out the emotions and the utilitarian way he tries and deal with it.

“Bill: Yeah? Tell me this. You've seen people die before, yeah?

Doctor: Of course.

Bill: You still care?

Doctor: Of course I care.

Bill: How many?

Doctor: How many what?

Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?

Doctor: I care, Bill, but I move on.

Bill: Yeah? How quickly?

Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?

Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.

Bill: Not what I asked.

Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very

Bill: That's not what I asked!

Doctor: Yes.

Bill: How many?

Bill: Don't tell me. You've moved on.

Doctor: You know what happens if I don't move on? More people die.”

I think this also points to the way The Doctor has the ability and history of taking life and death into his hands and is aware of this in his answers here. The hole left by taking lives and watching them be lost is visible even to those who care for him.

The other most important relationship is The Doctor’s connection to Ashildr. Their connection is born from an episode of flashbacks, anxiety, control issues and overblown sense of responsibility in his god complex. She is made into what she is because of The Doctor trying to be The Doctor, the grand concept, the man who saves people. Her existence is built from hubris and trauma. As well as the no or complete trust he tends to have with other people, becoming deeply connected to people very quickly.

“Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other...I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

...

Doctor:...Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.

Ashildr: I'm flattered.

....

Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of The Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.”

(TV: The Woman Who Lived)

He feels responsible for her, but he also needs her to be okay to have compassion for other people. Because he has his own struggle with weary and emptiness letting it totally consume him is something he dreads. Ashildr also gained the knowledge of the way The Doctor leaves a trail in the world, taking the title “patron saint of The Doctor’s leftovers” she is playing on his guilt, even if it is very honest.

Hyperarousal and Hyperarousal is seen a lot with the Twelfth Doctor (TV: Deep Breath, TV: Into the Dalek, TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: In The Forest Of The Night, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Selfie, Comic: Ghost Stories, Prose, The Blood Cell, Prose Big Bang Generation, Comic: Playing House, TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen). This overlaps with compulsive thoughts and anxiety in TV: Listen where the whole story cover being so on edge he makes up a reason for his paranoid thoughts and fears.

This also manifests as The Doctor being very restless in general (Prose: Big Bang Generation, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Time Heist, TV: Listen, Comic: The Twist & Comic: Unearthly Things). And visible anxiety through his body language and way of speaking (TV: Dark Water, TVL Heaven Sent Comic: Hyperion Empire, Comic: The Boy With the Displaced Smile, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: Extremis, The Magician's Apprentice, & Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen)

In TV: The Girl Who Died, he describes how after loss and during stress he experiences times where he can’t breathe a description congruent with anxiety.

“Doctor: One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe”

He experienced episodes of high anger ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Tim Heist, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Before The Flood, Zygon Inversion. TV: Face The Raven, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, TV: Thin Ice, Comic: The Twist, TV: The Doctor Falls, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). Sometimes becoming outward displays of violence line when he punches a Man in TV: Thin Ice and shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent.

We see another episode of extreme anger in TV: Death In Heaven, he internalizes his anger until it becomes too much and we see him break down destroying his console. We see other internalized anger in (TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, & TV: Last Christmas)

He has a marked experience of irritability and agitation struggling to handle interpersonal situations and (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, & Prose: Blood Cell). This decreases over time in the later season showing less of an agitated and often perceived as rude, it takes a form of internalization quite a bit covered by fatigue.

Twelve has a strong need to control the situation around him and himself (TV: Robots of Sherwood TV: Listen, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Into The Forest of The Night, TV: Last Christmas TV: Prequel To The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, TV: The Zygon Invasion/Zygon INversion, TV: Sleep No More TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: Oxygen, TV: Extremis/Pyramid at the end of the world/Lie of the Land, TV: The Empress of Mars, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls & TV: Twice Upon a Time, Comic: The Twist, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, & TV: Invasion of The Midmorphs)

The Doctor’s need to have control over the situation can become a level of manipulative that can upset the people he is with. Taking the form of knowing things others don’t and not letting them in, or using other people’s lives in what from the outside seems like a game. (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Before The Flood, and Comic: The Twist)

In TV: Flatline they discuss methods of control

“Doctor: Excellent lying, Doctor Oswald.

Clara: Yeah? Well, thought it was pretty weak myself.

Doctor: I meant to me. You told me that Danny was okay with you being back on board the Tardis.

Clara: Well, he is.

Doctor: Yeah, because he doesn't know anything about it.

Clara: Doctor

Doctor: Congratulations. Lying is a vital survival skill.

Clara: Well, there you go.

Doctor: And a terrible habit.”

This is an interesting exchange as I think it connects to control, a sense of disconnection from others as well as adding a throughline to his previous regeneration. He refers to it as a survival skill Clara was using the same skills The Doctor did in order to control the situation with those episodes side characters. But it’s also pointed to as a bad habit, something The Doctor wishes they didn’t have to do. We know that the lying was a tool of control and isolation to the Eleventh Doctor. River and The Doctor’s rule one was consistent “The Doctor lies.” I think it can also be connected to implicit memories of acting on behaviours he has needed to do for a long time.

Control is invoked in a different manner in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death he invokes the president of the world status. We see this again in Comic: The Hyperion Empire he takes charge of the situation over a politician even using the president of the world title to his advantage, Kate comments on this as funny doing to his dislike of this title in previous episodes.

In Prose: The Blood Cell there is an interesting example of this in his maintaining control of the situation in a prison by continuously doing things that assert his own control over the situation. It’s effective as he has as much information on the situation as the people who run the prison who are having their own kind of power struggle. He jokes about having a day off as well, commenting on his being the one in power in most places, which is oddly a part of his trying, and eventually succeeding in controlling a situation that is meant to leave him powerless.

The control issues are commented on by The Doctor in TV: Under The Lake

“Doctor: So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.”

These issues are inflamed during the events of TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent when his control was entirely stripped by the Time Lords. During these experiences he does what he can to hold control and overcompensating, using his previous interactions and war experience to essentially hold Galifrey even when he has no intention of staying. This is understandable due to the torture of the Time Dial and it continues to affect him moving forward.

He can show anxiety when he loses control of the situation (TV: Flatline, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Heaven Sent, TV: Pyramid at The End Of The World, TV: Time Heist, TV: Oxygen, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen, & Comic: Ghost Stories) An example that is played as laughs but shows this is his dislike of River yanking him around (TV: The Husbands of River Song)

"Doctor: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.”

Similar interactions happen between Bernice Summerfield and Twelve during Prose: The Big Bang Generation, as he doesn’t hold the cards for much of the Story.

The Doctor can use displays and show off in part of his need for control and as a way of trying to impress his friends, It works against his feeling of loneliness and giving that need for attention. It can take the form of just generally extreme displays of masking emotions like in TV: The Magician's Apprentice and TV: The Lie of The Land or explaining how he did something (TV: In The Forest of The Night TV: Kill The Moon,, TV: Time Heist, Comic: The Twist, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TVL: Thin Ice, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World & TV: World Enough and Time)

The Doctor has a deep fear of showing he’s own vulnerability, this is seen very clearly in TV: Extremis & TV: Pyramid at The End of The World. After TV: Oxygen The Doctor is left blind and refuses to tell Bill that this lasted. He uses the glasses to try and see the outlines of things and grudgingly relies on Nardole for help. It’s impossible to do it totally on his own, and Nardole had seen vulnerability before so he is the one let somewhat in. The fear of being seen as something that connects to his trauma and needs to show people a heroic side of himself and close off all of the pain and trauma inside of him.

In TV: Extremis Nardole references that he fears others knowing about vulnerabilities and accepting them himself,

“Nardole: Okay, so you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?

Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.

Nardole: Yeah, shall I tell you the real reason?

Doctor: No.

Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.

Doctor: Good point, well made. Definitely not telling her now.

Nardole: You're an idiot.

Doctor: Everyone knows that.”

The Doctor has a tendency to isolate himself as a function of anxiety and depression. Part of this is his fear of vulnerability done with words and lies of omission and sometimes straight-up separating himself physically (TV: Dark Water/Last Christmas, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Twice Upon A Time, TV: Kill The Moon, Prose: Big Bang Generation, & TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World) when overwhelmed he literally bolts and leaves the stressful place, this is seen again in TV: The Girl Who Died where when he realises that Ashildr died he hides his emotions and hides from others.

Emotional masking can be part of this, in TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio he says he’s “always okay” instead of being honest and moving on from it.

Deals with obsessive thoughts (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile & TV: Twice Upon A Time, & TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood). We see this heavily in TV: Listen, he thought himself into creating an entire creature thought rumination. The concept here is also fear itself and a loss of control through a creature he could never see. We this also is tied into other issues like nightmares, insomnia and references back to his childhood which through the extended universe materials and references in the show was not a happy one with being ostracised from his own family/chapter from peers and early experiences of violence. Another specific version of this is his preoccupation with his trauma, seen in TV: Into the Dalek in his conversation with the Dalek.

“Rusty: Daleks have destroyed a million stars.

Doctor: Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

Another manifestation is seen in his habit of talking to himself (TV: Listen, TV: Mummy on the Orient Express, Prose: The Big Bang Generation)

A Connected symptom to compulsive thinking is his flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to his trauma. (TV: Listen, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Into The Forest of The night, & TV: Death in Heaven) An example is his reliving visually the experiences with Donna in TV: Fires of Pompeii when he is faced with the failure to keep Ashildr safe. This ends with him in a state of panic(TV: The Girl Who Died).

He describes seeing and hearing events from the Time War in TV: Zygon Inversion

“Doctor: I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain?”

This is a pretty accurate description of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Another moment that references intrusive thoughts and flashbacks can be seen in TV: Extremis when The Doctor talks to Missy.

“Doctor: Memories are so much worse in the dark.”

Nightmares and Insomnia ( TV: Deep Breath, TV: Listen, TV: Zygon Inversion, TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Sleep No More, TV: Knock Knock, TV: Extremis)

The Doctor can show obsessive tendencies with the people who have traumatized him, (TV: Hell Bent, Comic: The Great Shopping Bill, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lives, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Into The Dalek)

There are very explicit incidents when we see Twelve have triggers (TV: Kill The Moon, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Supremacy of The Cybermen) In Comic: The Great Shopping Bill The Doctor sees robots just shaped like Daleks and has a reaction of anger and getting into a fighting mindset. After what happened with Davros, The Doctor refuses to use his Sonic for a period of time instead of using his Sonic Shades. (TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, continues through series 9) [losing the Sonic isn’t a good enough reason we know the TARDIS can make a new one quite fast.]

This overlaps with his intrusive thoughts and flashbacks obviously as they can be triggered. An example is when war is mentioned in Comic: Hyperion, we see The Doctor start listening wars he’s been a part of including Trenzalore.

The Doctor shows issues with dissociation, which we see The Doctor experience in other situations. (TV: Death in Heaven, TV: Extremis, TV: Empress of Mars, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Before the Flood) It’s used very clearly as a protective measure in TV: Heaven Sent allowing him to go into his head to manage stress completely disconnecting from himself and having a distortion of his environment. We see him use dissociation this to ignore pain. (TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TV: Twice Upon a Time). He even loses time (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Pilot)

The Doctor often experiences emotional shutdowns (TV: Time Heist, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctor) The interesting thing in TV: Thin Ice is we see this play out in how it’s often used, to allow himself to deal and make decisions. We know he can easily lose his temper but when the child dies and bill asks him about it he says

“Doctor: I have never had the luxury of outrage”

While we know this isn’t true, and we later see him sock a racist in the jaw, there is actually a difference. The Doctor has a sense of morality that is very strong, but it’s most important to get it done, for Twelve more than anyone else. I think we can tell that here he has to separate himself from what he feels to act. The Doctor can set himself in the mindset of a fight to finish what needs to be done, something that Bill who isn’t used to splitting from himself isn’t able to do. The Doctor, however, is in tune with grief and sentimentality, so it’s not a lack of ability.

Twelve disrupted belief system can be seen in The Doctor, something that has been an issue since at least the Eighth Doctor and commented on with both Ten and Eleven (Comic: The Boy With The Displace Smile, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Eaters of Light & TV: Heaven Sent). In Comic: The Wolves of Winter The Doctor’s belief becomes important in order to protect against the Haemovore he pulls on the memory of how much he cared for his companions and this works to push over the edge of emotions.

In TV: Into The Dalek, we see that the belief he carries generally like his view of himself is set into his trauma,

“Clara: It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.

Doctor: Ow. Clara.

Clara: Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right.”

In TV: Hell Bent Ohila notes that the moral system and solid foundations will fall apart when his emotions become too much.

“Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.

Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?

Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.

Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?

Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.”

Twelve struggles with having a cohesive sense of self and identity this is closely intertwined with the dissociation. The main way this shows is the way he describes The Doctor as a separate construct not truly tied to him. (TV: Flatline, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Thin Ice, TV: World Enough and Time, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). In TV: The Witch’s Familiar this is commented on in a conversation between Davros and The Doctor, how the concept is something the person can never live up to, a severe split of self.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm The Doctor.”

We see this in the reverse in TV: Face The Raven where he rejects the label when his actions are made out of anger, resentment and pain. A split idea of who he is and who he ought to be

“Ashildr: You can't.

Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?

Ashildr: I know The Doctor. The Doctor would never

Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.”

Clara, as she did with Eleven in TV: The Day of The Doctor, tries to get him to own the person she believes him to be.

“Clara: ...Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.

Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?

Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.”

This ties in with his anger, and his self-hatred, and often warranted guilt. This exchange has no convincing power to The Doctor,

“Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?

Ashildr: She was saving you.

Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.”

He takes her order in to not hurt Ashildr and Trap Street, but he doesn’t actually believe as Clara does that he can be “turned into a monster” or that this isn't who is, that anger he's capable of and what he has done are who is, an old Time Lord, a lost person, as much if not more so then The Doctor.

The Doctor tries to reconcile his identity issues in TV: Death in Heaven.

“Doctor: I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. You lose sight sometimes. Thank you! I am not a good man! I am not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning."

Though as examples of this can be seen in stories that happen after this episode we can see it was short lives epiphany.

As a part of identity construct The Doctor has a hero and god complex, this is also something that is warranted to some extent because of all they have done, but the good and bad having been done as The Doctor is part of why this identity is distant from the person (TV: Smile, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Flatline, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Waters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/ The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon a Time)

In TV: Flatline when he has to combat the Boneless he has to make choices he actually struggles. This combines identity issues around The Doctor, with his hero/god complex, and the guilt over past actions.

“ Doctor: I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly.

And I think you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine.

The man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And, if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am The Doctor. And I name you The Boneless. ”

An interesting arc connected to his trauma and identity issues through the story thread between the stories TV: Kill the Moon, TV: In The Forest of The Night, and TV: Thin Ice is about the authority he has over the earth and including his companions in this work.

First in TV: Kill The Moon we see The Doctor rejecting his connection to the earth and refusing to take the actions surrounding rather or not to kill the moon or not.

“Doctor: Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. The whole future path. Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. Now, you've got the tools to kill it. You made them. You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. You don't need a Time Lord. Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.'

‘Doctor: Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler. And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past...Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike. It's your moon, womankind. It's your choice.”

Twelves rejecting his over who he really is makes him vacillate between being amazingly in control and shrewd and I think dreading to make decisions, and the more the decision has social aspects, like the effects of the choices of the moon and fallout he struggles to actually be the one. [This story is one I personally don’t know if he knew or not] He is focused on the control in a paradoxical fashion as he is both literally running from and trying to maintain it in the way he plays the conductor. Clara hates this, the largest fight they have stems from this,

“Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike. And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend, and that is your moon too. And you can damn well help us when we need it."

Her comments about Earth being The Doctor’s home too, that the humans care for the earth, The Doctor meddles in the earth and therefore he has responsibilities to them. That he can’t play games with those who trust him.

The next time this arc comes up in earnest is in TV: In The Forest of The Night,

“Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air.

Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one.”

In this story, The Doctor lets Clara know he heard her, and we can see he is no longer questioning his care for the earth and the personal nature of his responsibility to the humans, and his friends. He is still making executive decisions though.

In TV: Thin Ice we see The Doctor backtrack somewhat on being part of the earth, but he is willing to listen to others. I see it as part of The Doctor’s change in attitude being exhausted of making choices, but also knowing and being willing to do it anyway.

"Doctor: She might. It's a risk. So, what do you want to do, Bill?

Bill: We already know the answers. Why are you even asking?

Doctor: I don't know the answers. Only idiots know the answers. But if your future is built on the suffering of that creature, what's your future worth?

Bill: Why is it up to me?

Doctor: Because it can't be up to me. Your people, your planet. I serve at the pleasure of the human race, and right now, that's you. Give me an order. Not long till noon. I need an order."

Overall this exchange helps illustrate how he doesn't have a lot of linear change, more changing expressions of his earlier experiences and reacting to the changing circumstances of the struggles.

His issues with Soldiers connected to these identity issues and is a major component of his history of trauma with the Time War and Trenzalore. He’s never liked guns or using weapons and has a disparaging view of War for his whole existence as three commenting on military intelligence as a “contradiction in terms”.

This more complete rejection of soldiers doesn’t start to manifest until the Eighth Doctor. It’s interesting as by this point The Doctor is much more of a soldier than his older regenerations, The Brigadier being his best friend for the majority of his regenerations and still being a friend up till Eleven. As he became more willing to cross lines and someone who could command people to die for him he hates the concept. During the Time war however even as a soldier his contempt for the military stays being the People’s hero but someone the establishment doesn't like (TV: The Day of The Doctor, Prose: Engines of War, TV: Hell Bent).

The dislike of soldiers is most pronounced in the early part of Twelve's time (TV: Dark Water, TV: The Girl Who, Comic: The Hyperion Empire). In TV: Into The Dalek, he rejects Journey Blue coming with him explicitly because she’s a soldier,

“ Journey: Doctor. Take me with you.

Doctor: I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

TV: The Caretaker is another story where this is front and centre. Explicitly stating his hatred of soldiers

"Doctor: I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?"

During the story, this conflict becomes entangled with his “duty of care” with Clara and control issues with Danny Pink. The Doctor immediately dislikes him as a retired soldier calling “PE” even when he’s a maths teacher, as an insult. Danny gets involved with his plans causing a rift by him breaking The Doctor’s control, and plan. It's directly discussed between The Doctor and Danny over their dual perceptions of the other as someone they view as antagonistic to their own selves.

“Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

Doctor: Definitely not.

Danny: Ah. Sir!

Doctor: And you do not call me sir.

Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Doctor: And you can get out of my Tardis!

Danny: Immediately, sir.

Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.

Doctor: I am not an officer!

Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.

Doctor: Out. Now.

Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?

Doctor: Yes.

Danny: Am I dismissed?

Doctor: Yes, you are!

Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.”

In TV: Death in Heaven this disagreement continues:

"Cyber-Danny: Clara, watch this. This is who The Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch it on. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches just disappear in the face of a tactical advantage? Sir.

Doctor: I need to know. I need to know.

Cyber-Danny: Yes. Yes, you do.

Clara: Give me the screwdriver.

Doctor: No.

Clara: Just do it, Doctor. Do as you are told.

Cyber-Danny: Typical officer. Got to keep those hands clean."

The dislike of soldiers as stated earlier rises in conjunction with their ability to think and act like one. Twelve very easily assumes a military footing, having the ability to act like a soldier and general when necessary. A very intimate understanding of violence follows him and the mindset can be triggered into the front. (Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, TV: Death in Haven, TV: The Magician’s Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Invasion, TV: Hell Bent, & TV: The Eaters of Light)

A version of this can be seen in TV: The Girl Who Died, when the village falls under attack Clara tries to get him to help the people survive, The Doctor’s first response is to try and train them with weapons, something Clara points out he ought to know better. The interesting thing is that at this point that is Twelve’s fall back mode.

Twelve comments on this in TV: The Empress of Mars,

“Bill: You knew that would happen.

Doctor: Always been my problem.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.”

This I think is a combination of the above-discussed issues of hypervigilance and traumatic identity formation but also implicit memories. Living in a war zone twice, and before those long periods of violence in other situations has taught him to think like this. If they don’t people they love, along with innocents will die.

He frames his life around being a battle, around fighting an endless war. In TV: Twice Upon a Time we see him refer to a long life as such;

“Doctor: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen”

When he decides to regenerate he remarks on it by saying,

“Doctor: Time to leave the battlefield”

The Doctor struggles to handle not having some kind of stimulation of danger, often seeking out dangerous situations. A combined addiction to the violence even if he has a moral and personal disgust with war and wanton violence. (TV: Time Heist, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: Gangland, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Comic: Playing House, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: The Pilot, TV: Thing Ice. TV: Oxygen, & TV: World Enough and Time)

In Prose: Big Bang Generation he comments on this saying that it has gotten worse since his fourth incarnation, pointing out he wouldn’t be caught dead on a planet like Legion back then, nonetheless been going to the scariest part as The Doctor was currently doing. Pointing out that between age, desensitization and a growing reckless his behaviour has changed, the love of adventure maybe being more compulsive when taken in relation to other comments. He describes his agitation and impatience here as “itchy feet”.

In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express they comment on how they couldn’t have just have a normal

“Clara: You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.

Doctor: I didn't know. I certainly hoped.”

And at a later point as Clara is trying to decide to stay or not they point out it’s an addictive tendency, something heavily related to BPD and C-PTSD

“Clara: I know it's scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?

Doctor: Why would I?

Clara: Because it's what you do, all day, every day.

Doctor: It's my life.

Clara: Doesn't have to be. Is it like

Doctor: Like what?

Clara: An addiction?

Doctor: You can't really tell if something's an addiction till you try and give it up.

Clara: And you never have.

Doctor: Let me know how it goes.”

In TV: Heaven Sent when commenting on the construction of the confession dial/prison the captures made for him he reinforces this idea.

“ Doctor: It's a killer puzzle box designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it. Must be Christmas. ”

The Doctor can be impulsive ( TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Thin Ice, TV: Husband of River Song, TV: Into The Dalek, Comic: Clara Oswald and The SChool of Death, Comic: Unearthly Things, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, Comic: The Lost Dimension, & Comic: Beneath the Waves)

The Doctor is often extremely reckless ( TV: The Magician's Apprentice, Comic: Terrorformer, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: GangLand, Comic: Fractures, TV: Husbands of River Song, Comic: The Twist, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Lie of The Land, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, TV: The Doctor Falls, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir & Comic: The Lot Dimension)

This can get to a point where he is throwing himself into a situation where he could easily die in order to save others, or at least solve the problem (TV: Last Christmas, TV: Time Heist, TV: The Lie of The Land, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death) An example id in TV: Time Hist in order to figure out what is going on and how to save the people left in the vault he allows the Teller to read his mind something they know often turns brains to “soup”. In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express The Doctor uses himself as bait to solve the puzzle allowing the ForeTold to lock on to him.

In TV: The Witch’s Familiar he uses his own regeneration energy to beat the Daleks and Davros, causing himself great pain and possibly affecting further versions of The Doctor. It also shows an increased sense of willingness to harm himself when he believes he’s lost, Clara. In a show of further escalation in personal disregard and tendency to cause himself harm these actions happen at an increased rate in his last season.

In TV: Oxygen The Doctor saves Bill by taking off his suit and giving it to her. This act leaves him harmed causing him to be blind, this effect was long-lasting and could have been permanent. During the period where this harm is left on him, in a semi-visible manner, and has a large effect on his well being. He tries to compensate but leaves him frustrated by the effects he caused himself.

Following this in TV: Extremis The Doctor again puts himself in a position to not only almost die, cause himself pain but be willing to put his future on the line.

“Doctor: The thing about the universe is, whatever you need, you can always borrow, as long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes.”

This shows a lack of regard for any future versions of himself, not caring about planning forward. We know he is guarding missy but if she wanted to get out, it's pretty clear she would have, and Nardole is there to do so. Not to mention she is let out way earlier than the original promise was made for. Not caring or planning for a future is emblematic of depression, C-PTSD and BPD. With BPD part of it is lack of permanence of self and of emotions, something we see heavily with him.

The Doctor carries a profound sense of guilt, even after knowing he was able to keep Gallifrey from becoming completely destroyed we still use a heavyweight about what he has done and has failed to do that has hurt others. (Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/ The Witch's Familiar, TV: Prequel to the magician's apprentice, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon a Time) This is referenced in TV: Extremis:

“Angelo: Pope Benedict said that you were more in need of confession than any man breathing. But when the offer was made, you replied it would take too much time. On behalf of the Catholic Church, the offer stands. You seem like a man with regret on his mind.”

The guilt is referenced in Comic: Unearthly Things, when he is unable to save the monster he almost hurts himself doing so. After Clara pulls him back he says

“Doctor: I hope it wasn’t the last of its kind”

This references The Doctor’s own history of being the only one left something he later comments on in TV: The Lie of The Land calling Missy the ‘other of the last of the time lords’. He feels sadness over the idea of others not only facing the same fate but of being the one to end a people.

In TV: Before The Flood Clara references his guilt over all of the people around him over the years,

“Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.

Clara: No. You can change things.

Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go some time.

Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.

Doctor: Clara, I need to talk to you just on your own. Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.

Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

Doctor: Clara.

Clara: No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you?

Doctor: I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

Clara: No, but like you said, if you can, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.”

Connected to guilt are feelings of shame. In the series 9 opening two-parter TV: The Magicians Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar this is a topic that is discussed. Ohila, Clara and Missy all point out that he looks shamed by the actions he took prior to this.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone.”

The Doctor is not ignoring or pretending that he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. I believe it is something that on its own would be healthy. Recognizing you’ve done wrong is a good thing, but when tied with his other problem and guilt that can cause harm.

Grief laid heavy over this Doctor which is tied to his guilt. (TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Husbands of River Song, TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: The Woman Who Lives, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Hell Bent) In TV: The Girl Who Died this topic is discussed

“Doctor: I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.”

This discusses how grief plagues him and how it hangs as anxiety over him, and that he has spent years running away from pain but also that Twelve is extremely aware that it won’t ever really work.

In TV: Heaven Sent the feelings of grief are newly made, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and sheer weight of the loss of Clara is as painful to him as the torture itself and how it just never ends.

“Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst. At least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

In Comic: The Four Doctors we see a version of The Doctor who lost his Clara earlier and was connected to a betrayal.

Gabby Narrating “[ The Doctor] He’s either turned his back on grief and self-doubt---or it’s consumed him completely ”

This Doctor is very similar to a version like The Time Lord Victorious Tenth Doctor, Late Era Eighth Doctor and most importantly we see that it is close to The Doctor we see in TV: Hell Bent. This Doctor took control of another planet like TV: Hell Bent he took control, and revenge over Galifrey. It differs however from season 10 Twelve who see the consumption is more tied with the hopeless and fatigue feelings, unlike this version who fell into grasping for control and anger.

The Doctor is very lonely this idea is something that has been established as following him from his childhood but has become even more prominent as time goes one. This is deeply tied to the grief, his age, depression and traumatic haze that follows him makes even the people he latches on to feels removed. (Prose: Bing Bang Generation, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio, TV: Twice Upon A Time, & Comic: The Twist)

This concept is extremely important in Comic: The Boy With The Displaced Smile, the story is about a scared and lonely child being used by a space parasite. The Doctor and the woman he teams up with here are able to help through empathy and understanding of the child. The Doctor comments on how to help him, and the others notice this comes from experience. This shows The Doctor as lonely and sad, and still very much carrying this out of time wounded part in him.

This is referenced in TV: Face The Raven,

“Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me.”

Noting he can’t handle being alone, that he needs people to be able to regulate, this invokes the topic of Co-regulation. The Doctor has difficulties with regulation and his behavioural management becomes more reckless when alone I think that the idea of lacking self-regulation and often needing outside influence is applicable.

In Comic: Relative Dimensions The Doctor faces the Celestial Toymaker again who’s pocket dimension is slowly falling apart. At this point, the Celestial Toymaker is afraid to join with the normal universe. They use the TARDIS to form him a new sealed off toy room, and The Doctor leaves him to continue playing without any push back.

“Doctor: I had to help him, Clara. Can you understand?

Clara: Let me see-- A lonely god drifting through time and space in his magic toy box? Yeah, I understand Doctor. All Too Well.”

The Doctor has depression, this is something clear in this Doctor. (TV: Listen, TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Dark Water/Death In Heaven, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, Comic: The Boy with The Displaced Smile, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

He experiences hopelessness tied in with some catastrophization,(TV: Heaven Sent, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: Eaters of Light, Comic: The Four Doctor, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

In TV: Last Christmas we see comments on this and general depression,

“Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.”

The Doctor has an extremely poor self-image and it’s a sign of PTSD and depression. (TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Hell Bent, TV: Twice Upon A Time) In TV: Time Heist one clue that helps him work out the architect, who is The Doctor, is that he hates him.

“Doctor: I hate him. He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him! Clara, don't you see?”

This shows that he just literally hates himself. It’s in very clear terms. In TV: Flatline The Doctor admits that Clara was very good at playing Doctor, but tells her that goodness is antithetical to being like him. Showing that he has trouble seeing himself and his actions as something good.

“Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.

Clara: Thank you.

Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

In TV: Dark Water The Doctor is talking to Clara after she betrays him

“Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.

Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.”

This notes that he thinks that he is equally as hurtful as she was to him. Reflecting his poor estimation of who he is.

The Doctor has intense fatigue that permeates his Twelfth regeneration (TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon A Time).

In TV: The Girl Who Died The Doctor has a wave of exhaustion come over him when he realises he didn’t save Ashildr. He sighs harshly and sags visibly.

“Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing.

Clara: You didn't lose. You saved the town.

Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing”

We see these feelings crop up again in TV: Heaven Sent

“Doctor: Can't I just sleep?

Blackboard: Question 2. What did you say that made the creature stop?

Doctor: Do I have to know everything?

Blackboard: How are you going to Win??”

Doctor: Clara, I can't always”

And later

“Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?

Doctor; Easy. It would be easy. It would be so easy. Just tell them. Just tell them, whoever wants to know, all about the Hybrid.

Doctor: I can't keep doing this. I can't! I can't always do this! It's not fair! Clara, it's just not fair! Why can't I just lose?”

Connected to this is and recklessness is that near the end of season 10 we pass the behaviour of being willing to get injured to actions that border more on suicidal actions ending with outright suicidal actions.

The Start of the most extreme actions is in TV: The Lie of The Land he uses up regeneration energy in a show of disregard for his possible future, but even more so tries to burn out his own brain, in a last-ditch attempt that likely won’t work to save other people. There were also alternatives to this, one, of course, would result in bills death, but it turned out it could be done without even putting himself in harm. This like the previous discussion of recklessness is self-harm directly and breaching into suicide.

Following this in TV: The Eaters of Light we see Twelve try and die again, while yes someone was going to lose his life, he would be in agony for many years longer than any other of them. There is no way he could have survived this action.

This culminated in TV: The Doctor Falls and TV: Twice Upon a Time where he refuses to regenerate. Refusing to regenerate is a Time Lord equivalent of suicide, as it is ending a life voluntarily. In TV: The Doctor Falls we also see him hold himself in the painful state of suspended regeneration and only putting it off in order to be kind. It ends with him trying to accept death by the cybermen and then refusing and yelling no trying to stop it from happening.

This refusal to regenerate becomes a crucial plot point in TV: Twice Upon A Time. The First Doctor is refusing to regenerate out of fear and Twelve is exhausted. Near the end Twelve discusses this, admitting to Nardole that he does want to die to due to the pain of his memories and grief.

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?

Bill: Of course you can.

Nardole: It's your choice.

Bill: Only yours.

Nardole: We understand.

Doctor: No. No, you don't. You're not even really here. You're just memories held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now, where I go now, it has be alone.”

When at the end of this he does regenerate, this exchange and much of The Doctor’s action shows how suicidal Twelve became near the end. This also echoes sentiments from TV: Heaven Sent & TV: The Girl Who Died. These sentiments and suicidality are textbook depression, BPD & C-PTSD. It shows loneliness, fatigue, guilt, grief, memories, isolation, feelings of emptiness and attachment struggles.

A topic connected to this I find discussed often when people analysis the New Who Doctor’s, especially when talking about the thirteenth Doctor, placing Twelve as someone who has a linear path toward healing from grief and trauma. This point of view is usually framed as the stages of grief, so the thinking is this: Nine represents denial, Ten anger, Eleven bargaining, Twelve depression And ending with Thirteen as acceptance

I find this analysis to be deeply over-simplistic. [I've talked about it a few times on my Tumblr.] That analysis ignores much of The Doctor as a whole and has a frustratingly terrible understanding of trauma.

It only cares about the new who Doctors, even excluding the ones who participated in the time war which it purports to be analysing The Doctor as having mostly healed from through Twelves arc culmination in Thirteen being removed from the trauma and loss completely. But The Eighth Doctor and War Doctor both participated in the time war and had differing reactions to the trauma. It excludes that Nine had a lot of depressed and angry feelings, it would have Ten only be anger but we see textbook bargaining in Ten and also heaps of denial lying to Martha, Eleven is deeply angry and depressed. While I agree Twelve suffers from depression he has anger, and his depression engulfs him at the end meaning the transition from that depression is confusing just as ten’s anger is eating at him.

Legitimately healing would mean that the steps towards acceptance wouldn’t be the things getting worse for most. Even if you think it’s allegory then I wonder why Eleven wouldn’t have bargaining as something prevalent as the main characteristic seen by many.

The next part of this is that people seem to be seeing The Time War as the only important trauma and grief Twelve is dealing with. This is reductive, likely part of people who see war as the only thing that can cause PTSD. I have discussed before that trauma starts building up with the first Doctor, The Doctor is classic complex trauma. But for this specific section, we are focused on the traumatic experience that happens close to his regeneration and during it.

As I discussed before Trenzalore is a war that Twelve experienced directly before he began, something that would explain the heightened distaste for soldiers and war Twelve has even more so than elven. Which shows to me that Twelve along with having just differing reactions it’s likely something retraumatized him in a similar manner.

The episodes of extreme injury The Doctor suffered are enough to trauma on their own. Examples include having his energy sucked (TV: The Witch’s Familiar), being in the vacuum of space and going blind (TV: Oxygen), and Burning his brain up twice (TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World/Lie of The Land).

Many traumas are experienced directly by Twelve. The standout experience is during TV: Heaven Sent. Twelves experience four and a half billion years of torture. This is done by his own people, people whom he saved and spent years wanting back and looking for. They hurt his friend in this process as well, the pain this causes most have been deeply traumatic. Another part of this is that The Doctor stayed in this torture chamber and let himself be hurt over and over when as he comments he could have given in. It’s a willingness to experience extreme pain, to try and retain some control, and possibly save Clara. But as Clara says in TV: Hell Bent she was dead and this in and of itself was trauma, combined with the guilt of having harmed others through it.

The loss of his friends and the way it’s tied to his own choices is traumatic as well. (TV: Face The Rave, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls). River Song is also seen for the last time in The Doctor’s timeline here which is another loss and could be re-traumatizing from experience dating back to Tenth Doctor. (TV: Husbands of River Song)

Seeing all this shows that The Doctor is still experiencing Complex-Trauma and this happens on top of his already existing C-PTSD. The perception he is healing or starting to accept can also be seen as him having “the most” PTSD whereas I also disagree with this, he just has another way of showing his PTSD as well as BPD.

Lastly in the subject of I think common views on him being near healing is saying that his regeneration is one of accepting and wanting to move forward.

Usually, people who hold this viewpoint at his ending message to the next Doctor;

“Doctor: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish. and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Argh! But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go.”

But I think pulling only this last part misses much of regeneration story,

First paying attention to the pieces of dialogue I noted before when talked over fatigue, grief and suicidal ideation,

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest? ”

Then right before the speech to thirteen, when he actually finally chooses to regenerate it’s not a moment of acceptance at all.

“Doctor: Oh, there it is. The silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.

TARDIS: beeps, flashes and burbles

Doctor: Yes, yes, I know. They'll get it all wrong without me. I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. Well, except me.”

What I think this actually shows that when he regenerates he is doing it out of obligation to protect the universe. He is literally choosing to regenerate because “They'll get it all wrong without me”. When he says “Doctor I let you go” I don't believe it’s necessarily a statement of hope and healing, but more part of the Identity Construction of The Doctor being apart from him, and yes passing the torch, but the torch of being there for the universe for others.

Choosing to continue living out of obligation to others, even if in reality he just wants to die as he is, as himself. Even within the story as I’ve talked about there are more accepting regenerations. The Third, Fourth, Ninth and Eleventh Doctor’s are all more accepting of the change. Twelve himself’s more honest version he presents of who he is and what he’s been through could be connected to a Doctor who had to stay in the wake of his actions.

Overall Twelve displays a great deal of struggle with mental health, Flashbacks, Hyperarousal, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, fatigue, unstable beliefs, constructed identity, traumatic implicit programming, agitation, recklessness, attachment issues, enmeshment, low self-confidence, self-injury and suicidal ideation. This regeneration has a gruff and more honest projection of himself and is more honest about his own difficulties, with Clara mostly. This Doctor is interesting as someone who lives in the wake of some of the lowest actions of Eleventh regeneration as well as the highest moment of saving Gallifrey.

Using the lens of trauma I believe we can get a lot of insight into Twelve's character and help understand this character who is often viewed in a reductionist manner.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

[kindcstguardian]

MISC.

Name. (   山田太郎  )  Yamada Taro. Alias. Senpai, dummy. Date of birth. April 1st, 2xxx   ( Star sign: Aries  ). Sexual orientation. Bisexual demiromantic. Languages. Japanese &&. English. Blood type. A + Height. 170cm. Weight. ? kg. Voice: 1.

VERSES.

Main verse. TAG. 「 V ❥ 𝐌𝐚𝐢𝐧 ; Yamada Taro ／ ᵂᵉ ʳᵉᵃᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʷᵉ'ʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃˡᵒⁿᵉ」

   No one’s week.    Taro is a quiet student trying to live his highschool days to the fullest in his very own way—getting good grades for different university options and mostly ignoring, not on purpose he might add, people.    The ravenette enjoys being alone, but not feeling lonely. He can always be spotted near the fountain with a different book in hand every time. If anyone were to approach him, he’d place his book down and engage into the conversation for he is a kind soul.

Second main verse. TAG.  「 V ❥ 𝐑𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥 ; Yamada Taro ／ 」 

   Something had taken place which made him be dependable of someone, it was too strange for him to become like this—but it wasn’t bad, the company was highly appreciated and it made him contemplate how lonely he truly was but never realized until a certain event happened.

Lowest atmosphere verse. TAG.  「 V ❥ 𝐋𝐨𝐰 ; Yamada Taro ／ ᵐᵒⁿˢᵗᵉʳˢ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᶜʳᵃʷˡᵉᵈ ᵗʰᵉⁱʳ ʷᵃʸ ᵒᵘᵗ ᵒᶠ ⁿᵒᵛᵉˡˢ」 

   Tba.

Twin verse. TAG.  「 V ❥ 𝐓𝐰𝐢𝐧 ; Yamada Taro ／ ᵉⁿᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵗᵒ ᵏᵉᵉᵖ ᵐᵉ ᵍᵘᵉˢˢⁱⁿᵍ 」

   Ah, to have a sibling was a blessing, wasn’t it?  Now, from a rather normal family, having a pair of twins was an amusing but well-received surprise: Yamada Taro and Tashirou  ( the latter being called ‘Taro’ from time to time as well ).   Tashirou was a quiet kid with a reserved nature but, by no means, that didn’t mean his curiosity hadn’t got the best of him at times. People often confused him with his twin due to how painfuly similar they were in personality, it didn’t really help they appeared to have similar superficial likes     it was a common mistake, truly.  The moment Tashirou considered a person a friend, it was over for them: his actual personality would surface, a rather energetic, eternally curious and reckless guy who could be daring and bold at times This, however, was a hard achievement on itself.    Such personality was known by his siblings alone.

With merakicd. TAG. 「 V ❥ 𝙶𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐? ; Yamada Taro ／ ʷⁱˢᵉ ᵐᵉⁿ ˢᵃʸ ᵒⁿˡʸ ᶠᵒᵒˡˢ ʳᵘˢʰ ⁱⁿ」 

   At last, after many events took place—too much of a rollercoaster for the young man, a girl he had met before a couple of times confessed to him. Taro was, like any other student of his age, still exploring the concept of relationships and falling in love. Thus, he accepted her confession as he already liked her but it would take time for him to reciprocate her feelings as strong as she did.

Self-conscious verse. TAG.「 V •  ; Yamada Taro ／ 」  

  What if.. one day you wake up to learn the truth about who you really are and how all your struggles... everything so far had been nothing but a lie? Yamada Taro discovered that his entire world was made up. Nothing was real therefore he, himself, wasn’t either.  Based  on.  Note. In this verse, Taro will be suffering from severe depression and self-mutilating habits that he does not realize  ( such as getting hurt and bleeding yet overlooking it, not sleeping, not eating. Generally ignoring his body and will be dizzy frequently due anemia and low in basically in everything ).

Swapped roles verse. TAG.「 V • 𝘠𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘱𝘢𝘪 ; Yamada Taro ／ 」  

   What if it was the opposite?  Yamada Taro was a quiet boy who kept distance from everyone not due being shy, it was a total different subject that was beyond his aparent introvert nature — he wasn’t normal like his family that followed a traditional pattern that he was supposed to follow, finding this out through his tastes: crushing on a junior of his, following them home and memorizing their schedule to appear as a kind senpai.    It made him sick that he couldn’t love properly, no such thing as a normal love. His was possesive, obsessive, jealously drowning him — he wanted to be the only one to monopolize the one he loved, to the point Taro would have difficulties telling appart from family and plain friend of his crush and see them as menaces.

Suspect verse. TAG.「 V • 𝙎𝙪𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙩 ; Yamada Taro ／ ᶠᵒʳᵗᵘⁿᵉ ᶜᵒᵐᵉˢ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ʷⁱᵗʰⁱⁿ 」  

If too many girls die or go missing immediately after meeting Senpai, rumors may spread that he is a serial killer  +  If rivals show up dead shortly after they talk to him, Senpai will wonder if he is cursed.    Yamada Taro was blissfully ignorant about how girls would approach him and then never interacting with him ever again, it wasn’t unusual for juniors to approach their seriors and ask questions only to never come back to them again — but he was  wrong.    Suddenly, the police was knocking at his door with an order of arrest due requiring his testimony, his parents were crying and Taro could only hear the loud sirens outside his house as he was handcuffed and dragged within the car, disappointed stares or even angry ones.    Then, everyone explained the highschooler that all girls who came in contact with him had gone missing, disappearing from Earth itself or their bodies had been found death and given the link was him, it wasn’t far-fetched to assume Taro could be the culprit — after he confessed all he knew and that he wasn’t his fault and without actual solid evidence, they couldn’t keep him locked but some items were retrieved from him, there were pictures taken from his house. Overall, a traumatic experience for a guy like him.    It didn’t end there, though, since his reputation was ruined and no one wanted to get closer to him... no one but those who had been there, acussed of things and mistreated, pushed towards their lowest point with intrusive thoughts — the delinquents were there for Taro alongside Osoro Shidesu. NOTE. It’s safe to say that in this particular verse, Taro’s personality will change. Not kind and polite as always, he’d be distrustful, paranoid and, this time around, will display a colder behavior. Because he is also surrounded by delinquents and Osoro is worried about his well-being, Taro now carries in his pocket a taser gun.

Revengeful verse. TAG.  「 V ❥  ; Yamada Taro ／ 」

  Truth be told, Taro witnessed something he shouldn’t have     his mother had been brutally murdered right before his eyes, however, his life had been spared. To this day the image of that woman was always stuck on his mind and refuses to let him sleep in peace at night suffering from insomnia: a tall lady with grey hues and long hair tied in a pony tail, delicate hands tightly ripping a kitchen knife. Locking gazes with her made his whole body shake with fear. Why was his mother killed? Why wasn’t he?   His father mostly attempted to work and not fill his head with thoughts, neglecting his son and only truly embracing him when he needed to cry, the ravenette would only wrap his arms around his father’s figure and attempt to sooth him down. His father was driven to commit suicide as soon as he turned eighteen, Taro pondered whether he was forced by the same woman or if his mental state was that poor. Nevertheless, the health insurance and the money he had saved up for Taro’s college was intact, plus the teen started to work as well  ( questionable compensating dating and for a man who hid in an alley ).   Taro had done a research on who this woman was and befriended a quite particular redhead female who promised he’d get his revenge if she could have fun along the way.    on his own, he had learnt the woman was named Ryoba Aishi and she, alongisde her entire family, had quite the peculiar history. With his friend’s help, he learnt she had  a daughter.   His objective was clear, he’d gain this girl’s affection for her to lower her defenses and then murder her, her entire family and Ryoba would be last.

DDLC. TAG. 「 V ❥ DDLC ; Yamada Taro ／ ᴬ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ ˡⁱᵛᵉˢ ᵃ ᵗʰᵒᵘˢᵃⁿᵈ ˡⁱᵛᵉˢ ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ ʰᵉ ᵈⁱᵉˢ」 

   For the security of their son whose entity was in danger, his parents had to travel far away from the school he basically grew up into which made him lose many connections but keep a few ones. A fresh start wasn’t always bad, he prayed.    Then he heard about a Literature Club and was first day already knocking the door to ask if he could join having regrets of not considering joining the gardening club back at Akademi High; he loved to read and knowing that other people did too was a joyful sensation. They could recommend each other books, it’d be the first time for him to do so! Ah but, writing poems wasn’t his forte but nevertheless, he’s willing to try.

Kiss him, not me! TAG.「 V •  ; Yamada Taro ／ ᵗᵒ ᵉᵃᶜʰ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉⁱʳ ᵇᵒᵒᵏ ?」  

   He was living a peaceful life until being unexpectedly transferred to another school—and he didn’t have any problems sitting next to the one girl who kept reading questionable mangas in class. But because he was her seat partner, he came across many strange individuals.

? ./ ?. TAG.「 V • ; Yamada Taro ／ 」    TBA.

RELATIONSHIPS.

These will be based on canon until someone requests to be main or exclusive!

Yamada Taeko./ TAG. Tba.

Yamada Hanako./ TAG.  Tba.

TAGS.

「 Yamada Taro ／ 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐂 」

「 Yamada Taro ／ INQUIRY 」

「 Yamada Taro ／ MUSINGS 」

「 Yamada Taro ／ VISAGE 」

「 Yamada Taro ／ MANNERISMS 」

「 Yamada Taro ／ ROMANCE 」

「 Yamada Taro ／ CRACK 」

✘ Aishi Ayano · ᵐᵉʳᵃᵏⁱᶜᵈ ♡（ �� ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʸᵒᵘ ᵇᵘᵗ ᴵ ⁿᵉᵉᵈ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ· ᴾʳᵒᵐⁱˢᵉ ᵐᵉ ʸᵒᵘ'ˡˡ ᵇᵉ ᵐⁱⁿᵉ ）

[oh-my-otome]

Hello :) I just want to say that I like your blog and I hope in a future you write that big Analysis of our lord Ieyasu ❤(ӦｖӦ｡) Because our lord Ieyasu is a lovely complex character, his stories show a fascinating developing of the character and he looks so adorable when he blush ٩(♡ε♡ )۶ Have a nice day (≧▽≦)(^_^)v

Thank you so much my lovely! I’m so happy to have you here with me! Let’s get right to it! Get comfy!

When we first meet Ieyasu, he has assumed control over his clan after having spent almost half of his life in captivity. 

Ieyasu was born Matsudaira Takechiyo, son of Matsudaira Hirotada, a daimyō. His parents re-married other people, and resulting in Ieyasu having 11 half brothers and sisters.

It is important to remember that Ieyasu was held captive twice.

When he was five, Takechiyo was saved by Nobunaga’s father, Nobuhide, who had learned of the plan to bring him to Sunpu under Imagawa Yoshimoto’s conditions.

When Nobuhide said he would kill Takechiyo if Hirotada didn’t cut ties with the Imagawa, his father said go ahead! He saw it as showing how strong his alignment with the Imagawa was, if he was willing to sacrifice his own son. Hirotada, despite being the one to suggest it in the first place, refused to kill Takechiyo, and so he was held for three years in a temple.

After the deaths of his father and Nobunaga’s, Takechiyo was held captive yet again, when Nobunaga made a deal to send him back to the Imagawa. In order to end a siege, Takechiyo was sent back to Sunpu as a hostage, where he remained from age nine to thirteen.

Knowing all of this, it isn’t surprising that he wants to butter up Nobunaga. Nobunaga’s father spared his life, but Nobunaga gave him over to the enemy. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for him to be afraid of it happening again. 

The only person that Ieyasu goes out of his way, tearing his ass to please, is Nobunaga…before he met his MC.

Ieyasu is almost obsessed with making sure that Nobunaga wins in a competition, and we can see how this can go back to wanting to keep Nobunaga happy, so that Ieyasu doesn’t have to go through something unpleasant.

No matter how “comfortable” one is, as a captive, one is still a captive. We know from Ieyasu’s own account that his life was especially hard.

Despite their history, Nobunaga and Ieyasu do generally get along. Nobunaga will occasionally say something about not being able to trust Ieyasu’s words, but Nobunaga also has the awareness to know that they’re more similar than he’d care to let on. 

Nobunaga doesn’t like his flaws pointed out, even if he’s quick to do so to others, and even if he shares those exact same flaws. So when Nobunaga snarks about Ieyasu being a tsundere, he’s also talking about himself.

Ieyasu tends to snap at people, but no two people more so than Hideyoshi and Mitsunari. 

When others are happy despite their circumstances, Ieyasu cranks up the tsun. He readily admits, over and over again, that he cannot understand that way of thinking and that it irritates him to his core. 

Looking at how he behaves, we can tell that that is just the surface level. He doesn’t hate the person’s ability to remain positive– he hates that he doesn’t know how to achieve it himself.

Ieyasu is deceptively open and honest about his deepest fears, the strongest of which is not the fear of trusting someone, but the fear of the unknown.

Look at much of his dialogue– it’s full of questions:

“How can you smile like that?”

“Why are you like this?”

“What do you want (from me)?”

On the surface, it looks like a throw-away comment made when angry, but we know that Ieyasu is actually asking for the secret, as that is what he assumes it boils down to, to how a person can have life throw so much at them, and get up after being knocked down. 

He is intensely interested in the answer. He truly wants to know, without being facetious at all. From his own experience, he assumes that it shouldn’t be possible, as the hope he lost when he was a child carried into adulthood.

Even his statements are veiled questions, as he silently hopes that the person he’s talking to will help him find a way to believe in something again.

Ieyasu may have a carefully constructed “public face,” but he is quick to tear off his own mask when he feels vulnerable, groping out for the first person who seems like they can help him.

We can see why he would behave this way to Hideyoshi, who comes from very humble beginnings, and went through so much to get to where he is. Hideyoshi’s ever-present smile and easy-going nature, and his ability to handle so much with good cheer is a complete mystery to Ieyasu. 

What he sees in Hideyoshi should be an impossibility, yet his own eyes show him that that’s not the case. Because Ieyasu can’t understand how someone can turn out like that, even having gone through what Hideyoshi has, Ieyasu berates him, as a defensive mechanism. 

He doesn’t truly hate Hideyoshi– he believes that Hideyoshi’s happiness, and ability to cope, is something beyond Ieyasu’s reach.

When it comes to Mitsunari, once again, they are very similar. Ieyasu likely sees a reflection of himself in Mitsunari, and that bothers him. 

Both are socially awkward to some degree, and both lived in isolation that they could do nothing about. They’re also both avid readers, going through several books in a day.

Ieyasu isn’t close to Hideyoshi, as you could imagine, so he has no particular reason to dislike Mitsunari outside of how alike they are. 

When Ieyasu is rejected by the people he asks to serve him, he continues to treat them with respect, in the hopes that they will one day change their mind. Because he and Mitsunari continue to snap at each other, we can see that this is probably not the case.

Prior to your arrival at his castle, Ieyasu was a completely different person. The writers go out of their way to talk about how Ieyasu tortured those who betrayed him, but that is not anything new, innovative, or different amongst war lords of the time. 

It was common.

Here, though, the writers have planned a huge turn-around for his character, so it makes sense that Ieyasu needed to be depicted as particularly bad in the beginning, to give his story somewhere to go with it.

At first, he allows defectors to be tortured, as that is only par for the course, as we learned above. After meeting you, he has a change of heart so profound that some of his retainers want to leave, in order to follow someone more blood-thirsty!

We should also remember that even amongst his own retainers, Ieyasu has to keep face, paralleling Masamune’s route. 

In a time of constant war, even with 30,000 men under his belt, one of the largest armies at the time, Ieyasu can’t just up and make a bunch of enemies, which is why he tries to placate Yasumasa in the beginning, and apologizes to you under his breath.

This is also why he starts to realize, with your help, that changing his ways only benefits the clan as a whole, even after those who disliked his new persona left. By being willing to risk losing some, he strengthened his standing with the rest, ensuring more camaraderie in his ranks.

We can hardly talk about Ieyasu without talking about his Four Guardians. Let’s talk about his most trusted one: Tadatsugu.

Tadatsugu very much raised Ieyasu, in the game. In real life, he was a hereditary vassal, having first served Ieyasu’s father, when Tadatsugu himself was just a boy, and naturally serving his former lord’s son as well.

Although Ieyasu endeavors to pluck out all of Tadatsugu’s hair when he’s annoyed with him, the fact is that Tadatsugu is balding anyway, so he is probably playing up his dismay, while providing stress relief to his lord.

Tadatsugu fully understands why Ieyasu is the way that he is, and takes on a fatherly role. We can tell that he very much thought that Ieyasu would be able to work out what he went through without much intervention, but rather than become a person like Hideyoshi, which is in and of itself atypical, Ieyasu went in the opposite direction, which would be the most common reaction.

Tadatsugu tries to do what he can to help Ieyasu, therefore, and when Ieyasu’s MC appears, he wastes no time on getting them together, seeing an immediate change in his lord, despite their social standing.

Ieyasu understands that Yasumasa is an asset, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to let him get too far. Ieyasu goes along with things, keeping the status quo, as is expected of a feudal lord, but he also puts his foot down, showing Yasumasa who’s boss.

For his part, Yasumasa is unnerved by the change in his lord, and is convinced that it will lead to the downfall of the clan. But all of that is by design on the part of the writers, as Yasumasa has his own transition to make.

Tadakatsu and Ieyasu have and understanding between them, as Ieyasu is not adverse to giving in to Tadakatsu’s masochism, if it’ll get Tadakatsu to leave him alone. Tadakatsu, for his part, offers his extreme loyal to the clan, and his expertise in battle.

This brings us to Toramatsu, Ieyasu’s page. It is not a very big theme in the main route, but in his event stories, Ieyasu is particularly concerned that Toramatsu is interested in his MC.

Toramatsu, for his part, is very interested in her in both Ieyasu’s main route, as well as in the event routes. Toramatsu also doesn’t try to hide it, so Ieyasu isn’t imagining things. 

Ieyasu has never been in love before, and he is a demisexual, so he has surely spurned many potential brides, before he ever met his MC. 

Wanting to secure ties with a strong leader would prompt many clans to offer their daughters’ hands in marriage as a bargaining chip, so it is not unreasonable to think that Ieyasu has had many offers, as one of the top three largest land holders in Japan, on top of having an impressively large army.

As this is all new to him, it’s natural that he would notice a love rival immediately, as he’s already understandably concerned with having things taken from him.

We see that this way of thinking is deeply rooted within him, as he will sometimes become sullen, not actually jealous, but more of a feeling of being left out, when his MC is having fun laughing a something with Tadatsugu. 

Ieyasu isn’t adept at joining in on a conversation like that, and tends to pout to cover up his lack of social experience unrelated to rubbing elbows with fellow warlords.

He’s never had something so valuable that was just his alone, so the only thing he can think of in situations where he’s the outsider, is to rely on tsun remarks that he doesn’t mean. He simply feels out of place, as jumping into a conversation of that nature is something he has never done.

Fake charm would be recognized as an insult, not a tool, and trying to gauge the right moment to slide in would probably embarrass you all, in his eyes. With nothing else to rely on, he goes for snark, knowing that both his MC and Tadatsugu understand.

Ieyasu has difficulty expressing his feelings, because he’s lived a life where actions truly do speak louder than words. He’s had to prove his worth over and over, having taken over his clan at the age of thirteen, and finding himself allied with the very person who put him into captivity. 

As such, he isn’t used to being in a situation where words alone, spoken from the heart, mean anything without an action being performed, almost as a tribute to magnify the meaning of the words. 

He hasn’t encountered it, and has no reason to believe in it, as the world that he lives in is driven by what the eyes can see, rather than what the ears can hear.

The last time he trusted someone’s word, he was put into captivity, when Hirotada said that he wouldn’t kill him, but he ended up being held captive.

Because of this, Ieyasu starts out not trusting anyone as far as he can throw them. It is after his metamorphosis, that he begins to give trusting people at their word a try.

Speaking of his metamorphosis, the chapter of the same name is often used to highlight how abusive Ieyasu is. It should be pointed out that both MC and Ieyasu were in the wrong, as both were being reactionary.

Either way, that scene had to happen, because tsundere characters always need to start from the roughest place in order to make their transition. And it is important to remember that a tsundere doesn’t transition on their own, they bring “their person/people” with them– it is mutual. They change together.

For tsundere characters, there is always something at the beginning that needs to be stark enough to get the character to be different later on. That is how this type of character is made, and this is where the appeal is, for those who enjoy tsundere characters– the transitional period and what comes after. 

The hard work, consistency, effort and dedication that the tsundere puts in, turns into an unshakable devotion, loyalty, and love (whether friendship or romantic love) that lasts forever.

When a tsundere has their rebirth, what readers then experience is akin to watching the tsundere imprint, for lack of a better word, to “their person/people.”

They are very much reborn as the person they always were on the inside, although still needing some semblance  of their tsun qualities, as it is a method of protection, and they are then able to begin to live a more fulfilling life.

We see this when Ieyasu begins to open up more, and while everyone is nervous at first, because he really is that different, everyone benefits as a whole from this change in temperament.

Tadatsugu, who was always like a father when it comes to Ieyasu, now openly cries in joy whenever he sees Ieyasu displaying signs of maturity, both in how he thinks, and how he is socially.

When it comes to his MC, Ieyasu is uncommonly accommodating, allowing her to get away with just about anything.

While others may be afraid to get close to him, he readily tells her to ask him anything she likes, and not to be afraid to come to him with her questions.

He doesn’t always answer right away, or with actual words, because he is still struggling with understanding the importance of using words to begin with, but he is sure to tell her than she can be frank with him, and not to be afraid to approach him.

Whenever his MC is in danger, Ieyasu just about loses his mind. He throws any semblance of shame out of the window and would do literally anything to save her.

When she is kidnapped, in his main route, he goes so far as to take any lead he can in order to find her, looking for tracks of any kind, and paying close attention to details others would miss, such as the direction of broken branches, using these clues to deduce her location.

Even when he finds her, he flings himself to the ground and cries openly in front of his retainers, praying aloud that she isn’t dead.

He also faced Nobunaga’s wrath by wasting no time begging at sword-point, in front of everyone, for not only permission to break rank and go looking for her, but to bring men with him. He then goes running right out onto the battlefield, risking his life to save her once again, taking on Yukimura with everything he has.

In fact, the only person we see Ieyasu desperately fighting against is Yukimura, as he was about to kill him, for having taken his MC captive, something that I can imagine chilled Ieyasu to the bone– he person he loves having to face the same fate that he had.

Ieyasu goes out of his way to provide his MC with gifts, as would be common for someone in his position. He learns quickly that his MC isn’t into displays of opulence, but he still wants her to have them, and lets her use them as she pleases. 

He understands that a bolt of expensive silk may not be what she wants, but he’s still concerned with not being cast away, so when his MC says that she wants to turn it into a shopping bag, he finds it funny– because it’s so random –but is happy enough that she accepts it as a gift and doesn’t spurn him. It doesn’t matter what she ends up doing with it, as long as he can show his love for her, and be accepted.

While Ieyasu may like giving gifts, he also wants his MC to know that he loves her, by being physically close to her.

He rides his horse specifically next to her, out of everyone. He sits especially close to her. Out of his closest retainers, she’s the only one allowed to be in his room for no reason at all, to the point where he even encourages her to nap and do her hobbies in his room.

In the whole castle, the only detours Ieyasu ever makes are places where his MC would go.

Ieyasu may not be a foodie, but he loves to eat anything his MC makes, giving subtle hints, likely so that she doesn’t see it as a critique of her cooking, resulting in her pushing him away, which is the very last thing he wants.

Because he knows how much she enjoys watching him eat her food, Ieyasu makes sure to eat everything that is put in front of him, even if it is a food that he absolutely hates the most– umeboshi.

The fact that Ieyasu would never eat in front of his retainers shows that his fear of being poisoned isn’t just in his head– ask Masamune. One of his firsts acts of displaying trust is to eat his MC’s food, right there in front of everyone, and he doesn’t know her from the next person. 

[madokasoratsugu]

/poses/ after a million years...i finally bring to u...a proper update to mafia au, this time with the adults !!! there’s more hints to the plot here so like. nice. some ended up way longer bc i rambled aha;;

check out the rest of the mafia au here /  ways to support me if you enjoyed this 

Sanzaemon is the former head of the Nakiri family, now retired (?). Passed the position to Erina, although it was originally supposed to have been taken over by Azami (the plan went to scrambles after Erina’s mother died, Azami abandoned the family and slaughtered any and all who got in his way, taking prized blueprints and tactician plans on the way out). Was initially still watching over Erina as an advisor in the main mansion until Azami personally came back to try and assassinate him. Heavily wounded, he now resides in a hideout with Dojima as his main link/informant as to what the family is up to nowadays. Back when he was a boss and even now, he helps Jouichirou with trying to find the murderer of his wife. Using his position as a boss and influential member of the mafia, has attained some of the most valuable leads Jouichirou currently has. Now that he's retired, he's been putting more time into this area of research, and is beginning to get a sickening suspicion that things are more than they seem, and Azami may have been much more underhanded than anyone could ever believe.

Shinomiya is one of the most successful bosses, having strong ties and alliances with families in both France and Japan. Also known as one of the most unforgiving and sadistic due to a past incident of nearly executing half his own family. It was a matter of the past when he’d just assumed his own position, yet found himself under heavy attacks/info leaks all of a sudden - immensely stressed and unable to trust anyone, he began witch hunting any and all suspicious members and executing them. Doujima and Souma were the ones who curbed his killing spree, albeit with much effort and investigation. Hinako was the one who properly stopped him, with a vicious slap to the face and cold demand for him to get a hold of himself, and live up to the name of the Shinomiya (and soon to be Inui) family. All family members who survived the incident deeply understand and know how badly it affected Shinomiya (esp mentally), and have sworn to never allow Shinomiya have a reason to doubt their loyalty again. As such, the Shinomiya family is also one of the most tight knit and loyal; spies and moles fear their family, so much so that it’s become common knowledge that to accept an infiltration job into their family means a fate worse than death. (funfact: Shinomiya knew of Souma through a job of hiring him to stalk and assassinate one of the suspicious members, and Souma got a lot more involved+talkative with the boss than necessary, resulting in their friendship. Shinomiya taught Souma quick firing techniques and sleight of hand. He has also quietly hinted that Souma is under his protection once, and if anyone fucks with him they won’t get away with it. Megumi, as his doctor, is also under Shinomiya’s protection.)

Hinako is a delicate and gentle flower of an internationally recognised tea shop, who is also a full time yakuza boss of the Inui family. She runs the family like a good tea ceremony; methodical, careful and (rather) unforgiving for mistakes. A calm and collected boss who always has a smile on her face (there’s only minute differences to that smile, and you better learn to tell what they are, and fast), and an excellent tactician who never takes more than necessary from her enemies. Has a good eye for hidden talents and polishing said talents. Marries into the Koujirou family after the “ascension massacre” (the underworld’s selfdub for Shinomiya’s incident), many hold her in high regard for that (although it’s partly bc of her that so many were killed - since Hinako and Shinomiya were seeing each other at that time, Shinomiya’s paranoia that someone would go after her too killed hundreds). Enjoys using poison to kill, though her favourite weapon is a traditional katana, handed down from generations through her family. Knows Mizuhara from functions between Japanese yakuza meetings, and was the one who introduced Shinomiya and Mizuhara, that lead to their families’ alliance being formed.

Mizuhara was initially from an influential Japanese yazuka group, but she moved to Italy to get away from her family as she wanted no part to do with them, considering how her brother was already set on becoming the next head and she didn’t want to complicate matters (sibling with different mothers, rivalry abound. her bro doesn’t rly care for this Drama bc he trusts and loves her v much but the mothers are a whole other story.). But mafia members recognised her, and she got into some trouble with the Italian mob, whom she thoroughly schooled. The mob was a small faction under Takumi and Isami, who met with Mizuhara and got chewed out for disorganisation within their family. After learning about the mess their family was in at that time (this happened around after Aldini papa’s death and Takumi’s ascension), Mizuhara contacted her family back in Japan who were more than happy to agree with her plan of including the Aldini family as one of their allies. She now works on extending her family’s alliances from overseas, and is also working with Takumi and Isami in managing Italy’s underground (but in terms of hierarchy she’s higher up). Plus partially helping out w the Aldini family’s management/organisational matters, as well as looking into dragging Shinomiya into Erina’s alliance at some point.

Soe was the previous head of the information branch, but is now travelling all over the world in an attempt to refresh the Nakiri family’s old alliances on Erina’s request, as well as collecting information from all these families about Azami. Cool headed (unless his family is threatened), charismatic and suave, is extremely sleuthy and able to hook information out of almost anyone. Pretty much the walking infobank of the Nakiri family, his life is constantly targeted so he isn't able to be with his family as much as he'd like. Due to this, he's also incredibly skilled in both close and long range combat, considering how he never knows how people are gonna try and target him next. He's the one who taught Alice her knife skills, and fav weapon is a rifle. Didn’t initially have many plans to join the mafia; he was well on his way to becoming a world renowned scientist and researcher when his sister died and Azami abandoned the family, prompting an immediate return back. Although he blames no one for his impromptu return to the mafia, to this day he holds a deep regret of not being able to fully give Leonora (and Alice) a life without bloodshed like he had promised.

Leonora is a weaponry expert/researcher, and is currently looking into combining poisons and various weapons in a much more efficient manner, plus inventing a few of her own weapons (she designed Ryou’s dagger and Alice’s favourite butterfly knife, and gave Hayama’s rifle an insane upgrade). Works in a lab in Denmark near a hideout, and is in constant contact with Alice and Soe. Born into a wealthy business family with many mafia connections, her love for experiments and Science was cultivated well ever since she was a child. Met Soe at one of the many mafia networking parties, and he fell in love with the young genius at first sight. Had little to no qualms about entering the mafia world since she grew up with the mafia integrated partially into her life. Quick witted, making a great conversationalist and negotiator. An expert at guns, has no preference. Knew of Azami and Erina’s mother ever since they were engaged, feels a deep sense of loss and sadness for them, but at the same time is unforgiving towards Azami for causing so much pain to her niece and daughter.

Chapelle used to be a spy who would work exclusively in France, now one of the most sought after informants by all mafia members alike. Typically uses go betweens to deal with his information exchange, very rarely shows up himself in public. As such, little is known about him by mafia members, except that no one has seen him (or doublecrossed him) and lived to tell the tale. Skilled with bombs and guns, good at killing swiftly and silently. Back as a spy, his allegiance leaned towards Sanzaemon (and to an extension, the Nakiri family), so despite his position as a neutral ally in the upcoming power struggle, he favours Erina’s alliance/side more so than Azami’s. His favourite and best go between is Ryoko, and no one but Isshiki and Fumio knows that Megumi’s landlord who likes going to the Polar Star Bar every other night is a famed (and heavily wanted) spy.

Hisanao is top of the mafia AU’s INTERPOL. Famously known among the underworld as the man who can and will singlehandedly tear apart an entire family, starting from the bottom. The mafia don’t really bother the public, but when they do, Hisanao is there to wreck havoc on them. Works closely with the mafia government (this AU’s version of WGO) to ensure that the fine line between the mafia and the general public is not crossed. Strong sense of justice and honour, has been awarded numerous awards for his service yet has accepted minimal. Does not believe in completely wiping out the mafia as that is an incredulous and silly thought. Sharpshooter whose skills rival Hayama’s, favourite weapon is his trusty police gun. Always carries a pair of handcuffs with him. Acquainted with Sanzaemon due to a past dispute that dragged in a civilian, and has his own information network running through the underworld. He’s keeping a close eye on the upcoming power struggle - it’d be a huge blow to the police force if the past were to repeat itself, after all.

[beneathmyboughs]

Yuji Final 30 Facts!

[TW for mentions of child murder/Slenderman, PTSD, animal death, emotional manipulation and endgame spoilerish stuff! Wanted to get this out while we still had time, read at your own risk!]

All of Yuji’s Part 1 Endgame posts are lyrics from his character theme, Sakura Nagashi. 

The symbol on his jacket is obvious, but the red symbol on his pants is very reminiscent of the slenderman symbol--a figure notable for taking it’s preferred victim, children, and pinning them to trees.

Piney was stated to be a Japanese Black Pine. Black Pines tend to have their weaker sibling, the white pine, grafted onto them for ensured survival. No guesses about who the white pine is to Piney’s black pine.

Yuji Matsumoto never had a fear of thunder. What he DID have was a crippling fear of loud noises, specifically explosions. He also had claustrophobia and aversion to heat like smoke or steam.

Murders or deaths of Parelthon classmates were all extra hard for him, but specifically Yuka Kagome’s death struck VERY close to home and at times threatened to render him immobile in fear or flashback.

During Yuji and Chou’s times getting to know each other she made a point of establishing her dominance from the very start, including eating whole unskinned pineapples while making eye contact to scare him. It worked.

Yes, they did use DDR to learn how to drift with each other a la Evangelion. Yes, they wore the matching 80′s dance leotards for it. Yes, with the neon spandex tights.

Yuji’s Paranoia (Including rigging his room with indicators in case anyone got in and messed with stuff, his mini traps any time he went into a new room, his general paranoia) predate his Mastermind status. He’s been toting that around since before Hope’s Peak even, having become Piney only due to said paranoia.

The reason Piney even exists in the first place is due to Yuji trying to outrun Yakuza enforcers, thus his immediate fear of anyone related to Yakuza business that he knew of, like Yuka.

Piney lived so lightly, from hotel to hotel with no discernible home address, because he was consistently on the run from both home (so no place to go) and Yakuza (despite them probably having long given up chase). Yep. THAT paranoid.

Yuji took in and cared for Mimi, Ryouji’s cat, after the class’ deaths. She passed away peacefully at a ripe old age while Yuji was grunt soldiering for the Collective. She was a well known and liked fixture of the barracks, with soldiers often feeding her when she came around.

Many of the stranger editions in the second half (The Overwatch statues, the updates to the student logs, ect) were a result of Yuji actively committing to portraying the character of the Collective’s ‘mascot’ as viciously as possible, and keeping the programmers busy coding in new and useless resource drains as opposed to active framing. Making him look like he was actively trying not to be caught was just a bonus.

Yuji genuinely did not know any of the codes aside from his own notebook’s code, nor did he himself have access to the monitoring system Topside had. Figuring out the MM room code was a genuine effort both ooc and ic, though he felt like shit getting congratulated for it.  

Yuji’s habit of rubbing at his face with his hand when stressed is in fact him covering up what he reflexively knows is a giant scar over his eye, as if to conceal or massage it. 

The tiny scar on the left side of his face where Ryouji’s shot grazed him in-game matches his real life scar on that exact same spot where a fellow soldier was shot and killed trying to drag him off the field when he had a flashback and couldn’t move. It further enforce’s Yuji’s belief that ‘These are not Accidents, it’s Fate.’

The giant v scar across his eye and nose, along with the smaller scar on his left cheek, are meant to look like the roman numeral 6 for a DA6 easter egg!

Yuji’s strong rose-tinted nostalgia mixed with the reality of seeing their actions in the murder game after 6 years split his opinion right down the middle. He used Piney to portray his fondness, and his class logs to vent his simmering disappointment. By the time he was shedding the suit the opinions had balanced out, portrayed by Yuji himself, though he still laid it on thick in the logs for the sake of the ‘character’ he was trying to portray.

While circumstances made it so that the room was not used as much, the sim in the steak house had Charmayne as a preset but included everyone on the Parelthon roster with applicable data. Yuji’s spent his steak-night ‘evenings’ pre-death game with hologrpahic Tomokas, Hanakos, Ryoujis, Tadashis, Ryans and more, all with a friendlier tint to them than reality to honey trap Yuji into continuing his resolve to start the killing game.

Should just note this: no account of Yuji speaking to having a crush, in his self narration or otherwise was real in this game. At most he may have had a crush on them back in the day, but Yuji’s level of affection would have been seen as odd for someone without an express reason (like the fact they’d all been his cherished classmates for a year). Crush was used as a stand in, but Yuji’s only nostalgic and not interested in anyone in this class. As he’d say “I’m a Mastermind, not a creep.”

Many of Yuji’s likes and dislikes from his 30 facts are direct references to military superstitions that he started to hold in his 6 years as a Collective soldier.(Numbers 8 and 9)

 The exceptions are disliking Elvis (Club Elvis was the Yakuza run bar he went to to make his payments), hair (he just thinks it’s neat that people can have natural beauty like that despite income), and bugs (he lived with em fine being poor, and grew to like them with Chou’s influence)

Piney starting to act weirdly just before merge was a result of Chou having started communicating with him after getting out of her side of the sim, and making him laugh with their communications that he checked out inside his suit to avoid being seen. Father and daughter bonding time! 

Yuji will continue to insist Piney had nothing to do with the Mastermind business. Often times, AS Piney, he’d flat out forget he was the Mastermind for bits at a time. Yuji didn’t have as much of a luxury once he got out of the suit, since that was by that point the turning point in him believing in the system.

Yuji’s ‘friend fiction’ was a direct continuation of his self-therapy he was using before the killing game went live, where he wrote down either memories or edited daydream versions of said memories to record  his time spent with his classmates.

Yuji’s ‘ulterior motive’ for the game, sans getting his classmates back for admittedly his own sake of mind, was tied in/hinted at with his shrine to the dead in his room. Yuji’s spiritualism is heavily balance and karma based, a give or take, and while usually it’s only supplemental to his way of living the deaths of all his classmates kicked it into overdrive. He considered such a farce as himself surviving an event that had killed everyone else he’d ever grown close to some act of destructive ‘fate’ he’d have to be selfish to attribute to only himself. While he knew the belief would never be accepted as solid science by any of the project team, he was deathly fearful that not addressing the matter would only result in the kids getting revived just to die off again should the matter not be addressed. Therefor, trying to find out what made each of the kids tick and from there pinpoint what element may have played into their deaths wound up being Yuji’s OWN experiment while the death game was being planned. This quickly fell to the wayside as the true intentions of the game became clear, but it has been addressed at least once by Morishige in her videos as she herself utilized the belief he revealed during their therapy sessions to further spur Yuji into accepting the full blame for the murder game.

Yuji’s original name was Yuiji Hatsumoto, but when it was checked with my IRL Japanese friends it was vetoed as ‘just plain not a real name.’ Yuji Matsumoto, however, is so utterly common it’s almost laughably plain. Just the way I wanted it.

Azura sent me over half of the music I have on Yuji’s playlists. My music taste is trash, guys. I’m sorry I never returned the favor Azura, you probably knew all the songs since middle school already.

There were lots of hints thrown in about Yuji being MM, subtle things about how when he panicked he’d start to feel choked and too hot, or the phrasing on the very first post. Going back and reading it all over is an ADVENTURE and what I’m currently mid doing, my dudes.

The FULL list of Yuji’s inspirations are Vincent from Catherine, Shaggy from Scooby Doo (down to the theory of him being a veteran) and Adachi from Persona 4. The last was too much of a spoiler to say, but ‘Lanky and questionable loser’ pretty much chalks it up. His Mastermind/Collective Mascot persona, specifically, was Adachi based.

I only made it this far and did this well thanks to the wonderful mods, back up mods, mini mods and unknowing support of fellow players. I’d  been looking your stuff up and admiring like a fan researching a movie franchise for a year before all this, and it was an unbelievable honor to both enter your world and get to be your guys’ Mastermind. I hope you guys had as fun of a game as I did! You guys rock, and I’m so glad I met you all. Take a breather everybody!

[its-just-like-the-movies]

Date Night!: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Back when the swell fella who would become my boyfriend and I were in one of those strange middle grounds where we were on our way to becoming a couple and very, very aware of it, our first sort-of-date was when Tommy invited me to go see Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice on its opening night. I, of course, accepted, somewhat reluctantly. I can’t remember if I was expecting the film to be good or bad, though I’m sure before then some of its abysmal reviews had been public. I was also nervous about the whole “oh my god this is probably sort of a date isn’t it”, especially since at the time I didn’t know him all that well. This would be the first of many dates at Ze Cinemah, although after this we’d be perfectly, happily aware that they were all dates. Even better, I think, is our immediate discussions after the film is over, and how eager we are to talk about it and discuss what we’ve just seen. We’ve seen plenty of films together, and maybe I’ll talk about other ones we’ve seen someday, but I can already feel a pit in my stomach drop at having to talk about this stinking pile of steamingness. All said, Batman v Superman is one of those truly atrocious films, like The Judge or The Danish Girl, that works like so much manure and makes me start sparking and frothing with how horrible they were. It’s an energizer more than it is a depressive, though it for sure is both, and there is one thing about our date in particular that haunts me every day. It’s not even something the film did, but something I did, or almost did, but could have done more of. Something that perhaps could have changed the screening for the whole theater, or as Anthony Hopkins keeps saying in the trailers for the new Transformers movies “change the tide of human history itself”. I wonder about it every day and every night, as I sleep and as I wake, and especially as a type this story to you, The Void, and now I must share the tale of my screening of Batman vs Superman with you to get it of my chest, to free myself, and to see where the tides of human history itself shall take me. Also: I’m going to be very mean to this film, and am very not interested in hearing about how wrong I am from random eggs as I and many others I know have been on Twitter. I hate it, don’t care if you love it, for fuck’s sake leave me alone.

It didn’t take the two of us long to find a pair of seats, though we immediately moved to the row behind us because our view was partially blocked by the structure of the stairwell. We warned the couple who ended up taking those seats about it, though I can’t remember if they moved too. And the film starts. Zack Snyder has the gall to open the film by reminding us that Batman’s parents died in front of him during a robbery gone wrong. He also seemingly cannot hire Jeffrey Dean Morgan to do much beyond die in the openings of his films, though I remember he had more to do in Watchmen. The visual of Martha’s(!!!) pearl necklace snapping in the gun’s safety as the trigger is pulled is sort of fascinating but also pretty grotesque, all things considered. Batffleck is saying something, though I cannot remember what. We see the funeral, little Bruce running into the woods in sadness during the procession, only to fall into a well or pit or some such hole in the ground. The score, I’m sure, was going crazy.

And then, it happens. Baby Bruce is levitated out the pit by seemingly hundreds of bats flying around him like a tornado, floating him towards the light. This is how we are abruptly told that this is a dream sequence, and reader, I laughed. Not the cackle it deserved, but I couldn’t stop it from escaping completely. I chuckled, giggled, whatever; I’m pretty sure Tommy hit me on the arm to calm me down and get me stop but I’m not quite sure. The giggle is what counts, though, and it haunts me. What if I had just burst out laughing at a moment that the whole theater was palpably flummoxed by? Batffleck wakes up but I am still reeling from the horseshit prologue we have been subjected to. It is not the most nonsensical thing we are going to see in this movie. It is not even the least plot-relevant indulgence that Zack Snyder will take us through, nor the least inexplicable jump of energy or plot logic that we’ll be forced to sit through. Academy Award winner Holly Hunter will be forced to stare dramatically, in close-up, to a jar of piss before she and dozens of other people are killed in an assassination plot meant to frame Superman, whose own close up registers at the subtle, bottomless despair and discomfort of sitting on the can and realizing you’re not quite done shitting, except Henry Cavill also registers as remarkably bored. Jeremy Irons reads every line as Alfred Pennyworth with such bitchy, subtly nasty inflections that I actually found the character an unwelcome presence, though if anyone found this a life raft of something enjoyable happening on screen, particularly Irons, then by all means savor him. Amy Adams will throw a Kryptonite spear into an underwater pile of rubble and, with no indication that Lois Lane has been told why the heroes need it to vanquish the rock monster that is Doomsday, dives into the water and nearly drowns recovering it. Batman slaughters - in fact, he often guns down - dozens of criminals on screen, brands sex offenders, had one montage that’s just him training to become even beefier and another, completely bizarre dream sequence that may also be a warning from another dimension’s Flash where Superman is technically Hitler, and Barry Allen screams about Lois Lane before Batffleck wakes up at his desk, which is meant to convey that this May Have Been A Dream Or Is It Ooooooh. This scene has no narrative impact and is never referenced again, though it is not as patently stupid as is the sight of Superman, wielding that Kryptonite spear, deciding to kamikaze himself by killing Doomsday with the knowledge that he cannot survive any assault the giant may bring on him while he is in such close proximity to said spear, ignoring the two superheroes who have been helping him fight Doomsday this whole time.

There are plenty of other absurd, delicious, amazingly shitty one-offs. Michael Shannon is credited for appearing in the film for the three seconds General Zod’s corpse floats in the remains of his spaceship. The President of the United States decides to nuke Superman in the middle of his fight with Doomsday after the latter threw the Man of Steel into the Earth’s orbit (a safe enough distance to nuke him, I suppose). Diane Lane is duck taped and tied to a chair, threatened to be burned alive as Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor throws photos of her with “Witch” written on her face, and all of this is tied into some mythological asinine crap that is Luthor’s motivation for wanting to kill Superman and create Doomsday in the first place. Eisenberg spends the whole film as some combination of Edward Nygma and a meth addict’s impersonation of Heath Ledger’s Joker, and it is by far the biggest trainwreck in the whole film. I think I also resisted laughing once “MARTHA!!???!?!?!?!!!” happened but in truth, I blocked that out of my memory. The sheer joy of seeing Wonder Woman, and hearing the score come alive as she roars into battle, literally, at some points, is all that is keeping me from giving this film an F grade, though perhaps I just can’t rate an Amy Adams film that low. Gal Gadot is at least enjoying herself, which is in even bigger contrast to the stark constipation that Cavill and Ben Affleck are constantly exuding. The film has ideas about literal hero worship, about what Superman could mean or stand for, and wants to have real conversations about his necessity, but it jerry-rigs them through Christic imagery and working hard to undermine the criticisms of genuine challengers and the critics themselves. Bruce’s hatred and suspicion of the Man of Steel seems completely arbitrary, banking on the fear of Superman turning on humanity in spite of his big coming-out party as a global entity being the eradication of his home species for the sake of mankind. Horrific as the collateral damage was, it’s not in line with anything Superman does in the film, is shown as doing, or is framed as doing by Synder himself, who doesn’t pretend for a moment that there’s actually anything wrong with Superman. He’s content to make the man a misunderstood martyr, a golden boy whose death inspires the formation of The Justice League and the warming up of Batman’s glacial, inherently distrusting heart. Superman is basically fridged on behalf of Bruce Wayne, and it’s clumsily executed as Smallville himself is. 

There are so many vile, absurd, abstracted, unnecessary, horrific moments in this film and yet, I still wonder how much that night would’ve changed had I actually burst out laughing at the beginning of the film. What would’ve changed for the whole theater if some jackass sitting hear the back-left had cackled as a small child is literally lifted out of a scene the filmgoing public had seen at least seventy-eight million times by now, one that kicks off an indefensibly ghastly excuse for a Hollywood spectacle lit worse than even the lowest budge episode of The X-Files and colored like it’s scared that bright shades will deflate how Dour and Serious this Cinematic Experience is? Recounting many of the set pieces I’ve already mentioned back to my sister afterwards I couldn’t help cackling at some of them, though I did so far more angrily with Tommy immediately after, baffled not just that I had paid for this film but that it even existed, that anybody who made this gigantic dumpster fire thought that it was in any way a competently crafted, psychologically or emotionally coherent picture. Could we, as a crowd, as a community, have laughed at this horseshit for what it was? I love that in horror movies the audience always make the pact with itself that fine, this is a lot, you deserve a good scream. This picture was even more upsetting, and perhaps if I’d laughed, having taken the piss out of it so goddamn early, we wouldn’t have had to just sit there and take it. We could’ve fought back and laughed at it (with it?), openly railed against it, or just fucking not be quiet throughout this whole ordeal. I will always be haunted by this inaction on my part, and to this day it shames me.

He did try to defend parts of it, but not much, and for sure stole my comments about how Eisenberg wasn’t even playing Lex Luthor when we starting talking about the film to our RA Josh and fellow hallmate Dylan in the hall that same night. Josh peddled the theory that Marvel people had paid off critics to hate on DC’s live-action features, which I challenged by asking why Marvel would even need to do that. It’s not even that DC’s films are so drastically worse than any of Marvel’s features, but Marvel at least has a brand formula at work. Their knock is never that their bad, just predictable and uninspired, though they’ve been getting a little better at going against both those counts lately, with the Guardians films at least. And I will say this for Batman v Superman: It’s awfulness has staked a far larger claim on my mental landscape than The Avengers or Deadpool or most Marvel fare ever has. I liked Man of Steel fine, was particularly impressed by the early minimalism in portraying Superman’s powers, especially his x-ray vision, and was even playing devil’s advocate with family members I saw it with. I’m semi-interested to return to it, but not passionately so. You for sure couldn’t call this film formulaic, perhaps unworthy of all the bombast it’s applying to itself but worthy of notice the way a burning car is, or how Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern are seemingly in awe of that giant pile of shit in Jurassic Park. As dubious as literally every aspect of this film is, the sheer magnitude of its awfulness is compelling in such a way that I became anticipatory of the film’s eventual Rifftrax takedown as I was watching it. I don’t know how soon into it this idea started, but once Amy Adams dived in to get that spear I could already hear the befuddled joke about Lois Lane: Plot Psychic that Kevin Murphy would probably hurl at the screen, and it made this mess a little bit better.

All things being honest, I am absolutely going to see Justice League with my boyfriend, though I wonder how much more excited he is than I am. I loathed Suicide Squad but thought it was so poorly edited I stopped caring and would up having something of an okay time, appreciating Margot Robbie trying to find a character in Harley Quinn and relishing that Viola Davis actively seemed to want to be there a little as I did. Of course I’ve seen Wonder Woman, a step above most recent DC efforts in that it’s compelling, competently told and emotionally resonant, though it really shows Gadot isn’t much of an actress. There’s a lot about it I questioned in the moment but I am so, so appreciative of Wonder Woman as a film that exists, and one I mostly enjoyed seeing even as I actively wished for a better version of the film while I was watching it. Maybe I should just not see these given how much I end up railing against these projects, but I love watching movies with my guy (who I also love) and they are great conversation fodder. Plus, we watch lots of better movies together! Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was the first of many, many delightful date night movies, and we weren’t even dating yet! My guy was easily the best part of the film, though it’d be a discredit to it say that it wasn’t a memorable experience, future boyfriend or no. I truly hope I never see it again, at least not sober, but I got a great story out of it, and a great man too, which is more than a lot of movies have ever given me. And at the end of the day, it’s that the biggest reward a person could get? It’s not like this makes Batman v Superman anything more than a gray, ugly, violent, gross, despicable, unpleasant, misogynistic, time-wasting, utterly horrendous, steaming pile of shit. But hey, it counts for something.

[richardxathas-blog]

Introducing my newest baby : Richard Athas, King of Athens, Witch, 33, Oldest Sibling in the Athas family. Professional ConMan.

Yes,if you read the end of that introductory subtitle you read that last job label description right.

For yes, my baby here is in fact an imposter. He isn’t the real Richard Athas. He is merely posing and pretending to be him. And the rest of the Athas family has no clue about it!! (yes, he’s job occupation may or may not have been vry lowkey inspired by Neal Caffrey frm White Collar)

But fret not, he is and this is a very fun fact *drumroll* a true Athas child.He has Athas bloodline running thru him frm dear old dad. yup, he is the illegitimate first child of the old and previous Athas King.. Which ofc makes him a half-sibling to the rest of the Athas children in here.

What happened was that, he was the product of a one-night stand between his mother (a witch) and his royal dad, the old King Athas, a couple of yrs before the old King Athas got married to the old Queen Athas (mom of Shiloh and gang ;)) When his mom found out she was pregnant with the king’s baby she kept taht a secret from him as it was just a one-night mistake and she didn’t want to cause any big trouble, scandal or ruin his life as he was already betrothed to someone from another royal family. So she fled Greece and came to the US and shortly after gave birth to a startling bright-blue eyed & healthy baby boy which she named Sebastian and gave him her own maiden surname.

Growing up, poor Seb nvr really got much maternal love or outpouring of affection from his mother. Sure she did care about him and truly loved her son in her own way, but she just wasn’t very good at showing her affections. He was a v bright young boy so he sorta figured out that she did love him as she took care of him, protected him, ensured his welfare at all times and guided him in harnessing his magic powers and everything, but still he longed for some properly caring outer displays of lovng affection. he saw other boys being warmly hugged by their mother s and he wanted that too, (as my poor baby is lowkey quite a loving boy at heart and just wants to love & be loved outwardly). His mom however was a pretty strict woman tho she did genuinely talk in a lil bit of caring tone whenever he was upset. She just ain’t that good with PDA. Plus, she was a single working mom, so y’know, she does get stressed easily or upset sometimes.

She nvr once told him about his dad, despite him asking about his father quite persistently when he was a young boy. She instead chose to keep her mouth shut and all she ever told him abt his dad’s identity was tht some things are better left unsaid & a mystery and they were MUCH BETTER off without him at all. She refused to budge an inch on telling him his true history (selfish woman :p) so eventually by the time he entered his teens he gave up asking and instead summarized by himself that his dad probably didn’t want them and maybe his mom was right, they were indeed better off without him. (that was a hard bitter pill for my poor baby to swallow :’()

However despite whatever inner emotional turmoil he had, he did grow up to be a healthy, extremely bright and outgoing, quite warm and friendly guy. He was ALSO SUPER CHARMING AND KNEW EXACTLY THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY (COS HE WAS QUITE OBSERVANT, PERCEPTIVE & TOOK NOTE OF ALL MOST EVERYTHING), so that made him quite popular with everyone he met, esp. with the ladies XD

Due to that realization of his glib tongue and how charming he could be, combined with his extraordinary memory skills (he’s got quite an eidetic/photographic memory), he then stumbled on what kind of job he wanted to do : be a conman. He had a love for the far more luxurious lifestyle of the upper class(he was pretty envious of them growing up tbh) & due to his low-class lifestyle of some days struggling to get by, he nvr wanted to experience that again as an adult. Due to his mom’s nagging and insistence, he did enroll into college and with his bright brains he did graduate with a business degree(heheXD) tho he lowkey nvr wanted to enter the biz world, slog hard and climb up the ladder slowly to success. his mom died vry soon after his graduation, and after an average period of mourning and grieving her death, he then left  the small city he was staying in and went on to bigger cities. He wanted wealth and a comfortable life and he wanted it fast.

Thus for the next few years, he did odd jobs at first while mingling with some petty criminals and learning the tricks of the trade. Once he was sure he had gotten the knack of things, he then started planning his schemes and con jobs. Slowly but surely he became very sucessfull at what he did, which was partly helped by the fact that he was a witch so his magic came in handy half the time.

He also had perfected the trick of disguising himself and passing off as many different people or going under diff aliases. His best magical ability of all time, was glamour magic, where he could using magical glamour spells/potions to change his outer appearance to look like someone else or look different .

It was during one of his big schemes and con-job that he fatefully bumped into the real Richard Athas, some months ago. he had planned a vry difficult plan of robbing someone who lived in an expensive hotel. he had just sucessfully taken  priceless and highly valueble artifact, when he was caught by Richard Athas. After several seconds of stunned silence and shock of them both staring at each other, COS THEY BOTH UNCANNILY LOOK A LOT ALIKE , LIKE 95% OF SIMiLIAR PHYSICAL FEATURES, Sebastian then shook his head and took off but unfortunately for him, Richard gave chase and with some help from his bodyguards Richard then sucessfully caught Sebastian.

After some through  interrogation which involved a bit of magic, Richard then was hit by a bright idea.  He was at that time, currently hding out 100% incognito as there had been an assaination attempt on his life a month prior, which was kept hush-hush from his family as he didnt want to upset them, and instead he had opted to take off to travel around, under the guise that he wanted to spare some time to take a break and restore his health. Unlike Sebastian, Richard didnt have a very healthy physical health history so all his siblings beleived his false excuse and he left Greece a couple fof weeks ago. And now upon meeting Sebastian, he this then had a plan to make a deal with him. he wouldn’t turn Sebastian over to the authorities, as he was a pretty wanted figure for his sucessful theivery(tho none of the authorities knew could put a name or actual true face to this elusive conman til now) and in return , Sebastian was going to help him uncover the culprits behind his assasination attempt. Ricard was desperate the solve the case fast. for he feared that they might come after him again or his dear family members or he even suspected that maybe some bigger scheme of things were afoot behind all this.

Reluctantly and left with no other choice at that moment, Sebastian agreed. He then left with that real King Richard (yes he was already King at that time, as dear ol dad Athas had already passed away some years ago). They both then travelled around secretly with richard’s entourage and small pack of bodyguards. For the next 2 months, they began working on Richard’s plan. He was absolutely certain that the assasins were gonna make another attempt on his life again, probs in Romania,  so he decided that Sebastian would go to Colivie in his place, disguised as him while Richard would accompany him as his personal bodyguard under a completely diff disguise. Ofc, my baby initially refused that plan at first as he didnt want to die :P, but Richard countlessly assured him that everything was going to be fine as Richard would be able to stay in a background and together with a few of his most trusted bodyguards and personal detectives, they would be able to have a better eagle view of observing everything and everyone  at every minute of fake Richard (Sebastian)’s day. So finally my baby Seb acquiesced despite his doubts.

During that 2 months, Seb spent the whole time studying Richard very thoroughly and and perfecting his whole inside and outside disguise of Richard. This was a dangerous scheme of things so everything had to absolutely perfect, down to how Richard tied his shoelaces, coughed or how he made a joke. He also had to memorize every single info and detail of all the Athas sibings and Richard’s friends who he might bump into while at Colivie. At the same time, equally perceptive Richard, was also studying Seb and had been investigating secretly on the side of Sebastian origins. When his investigators finally found out that Seb was actually his unknown-half-brother, Richard then confronted a clueless Seb about the the facts. There was a slight change in their relationship then , as initially that had slowly bonded a little due to quite  meshing personalities as they had spent a LOT of time together, but now that Richard knew that Seb was his brother, the family-loving and generous young king wanted nothing better than to quickly welcome him back to Athens, introduce him to their siblings and secure his right as an Athas prince. (he def couldn’t be king cos illegitimate yo). However, Seb blatantly refused Richard’s offer over and over again and refused all Richard’s attempts at brotherly bonding. He didn’t want a family, he didnt NEED  a family or siblings as he had grown up fine without them, or so he thought. He just wanted to do the current job, complete the deal, and leave & nvr see Richard again. (actually my baby verrrryyy lowkey deep down inside,wants to know what’s it like to feel needed, loved and have siblings and a proper family, butttt due to his late mom & he convincing himself all over the past many years growing up that he was better off alone, he would thus, NEVER EVER ADMIT THIS TINY BURIED LONGING, YET..XD)

After that full 2 months had passed, both guys thought everything was ready for their plan to commence and for Sebastian to go out in the open disguised as “Richard”.  However, one horribly disastrous night, the Richard was accidentally killed in another assassination attempt. I say “accidentally” cos he actually was about to survive unscathed again, but to the events of that night, he risked his life to save Sebastian who was about to die soon, cos good pure soul Richard loves his half-brother already, and thus, a slight mishap happened in the process of saving Sebastian, and real king Richard died. ( i have the whole story in my head of that night of how richard died but, i wont torture u guys to read this lengthy bio any longer than necessary. but if anyone wants to know u can IM me anytime ;))

Poor Sebastian  was then riddled with some grief and an immense amount of survivors guilt. he misplacedly blamed himself fully for Ricahrd dying cos he thinks that if Richard hadn;t turned back to save him, Richard would still be alive. Struggling with that horrible guilt, he then was 100% determined to still continue with Richard’s plan and this time, he wouldn’t give up till he was able to bring the guilty party to justice for Richard. And thus he has arrived at Colivie now, to act 100% as “King Richard” along with a few of Richard’s most trusted bodyguards. He is going to go along with the betrothal/ arranged marriage stuff /process but he wil do his upmost best to discreetly delay the wedding till he is able to solve the case. Once that goal is accomplished, then only he will reveal the horrible truth to the rest of the Athas siblings about everything and then instantly leave and nvr cross their paths ever again,  cos he didn’t think he deserved to be there at all or to even be an Athas.

3 weeks later after Richard’s death, Seb is finally here at Colivie. He is now portraying all of King Richard’s outer attitudes, behaviours and personality traits as best as he can. This being,  a friendly, v loving, warm, very fair minded, rational, engaging and humble and very good-hearted & very well-mannered & romantic as well as being 100% diplomatic with every single royal (Sebastian is groaning a lot at this last part tbh XD). he’s also  using the glamouring magic which he is good at to make himself look 100% fully like Richard. Like i said earlier they both share 95% of vry similar and somewhat identical physical features, but the only small differences is that Seb is taller, has a diff nose and a slightly different pitch of voice. BUt with a little magic glamouring spell. Seb is magically able to transform his out appearance to look 100% Richard so the Athas family here won’t suspect a single thing. Seb is an expert liar by now so that helps too XD

[pussymagicuniverse]

witch puns are good

a fictocritical reading of caliban and the witch: women, the body, and primitive accumulation by silvia federici

TW: rape, murder

all italics are direct quotations from federici’s text

I.

in a system where life is subordinated to the production of profit, the accumulation of labor-power can only be achieved with the maximum of violence

in Maria Mies’ words, violence itself becomes the most productive force

sometimes it’s remarkable that we keep having to fight the same shit. but it’s oddly comforting that for more than five hundred years we’ve never stopped fighting this shit. people have always been against a tax on life. whether under feudalism or capitalism there is rarely a shortage of those who assert themselves against injustices of the like. before hospital bills that tacked on as many charges as they could to see if you contest them, serflords would issue tallages, a sum of money arbitrarily decided, that the lords could exact at will. akin to spending hours on the phone with a goddamn insurance company to dispute a bill, in 1299 the monks of dunstable asserted that “they would rather go down to hell than be beaten in this matter of tallage”

everyone knows vaguely of the heretics. some know they existed in their variety. people who were essentially against the presiding Church. but hersey was so much more than that. the heretic movement was a conscious attempt to create a new society. the heresy was in refusing to sit back and accept the imposition as it came. in the 830s Սմբատ Զարեհավանցի [Smbat Zarehavantsi] began his preachings, his followers later to be known as the Tondrakians [Թոնդրակեաններ]. their call for property rights for peasants was blasphemy their proclamation of gender equality a dangerous dissension. as with all dissidence they suffered their defeat when the authorities joined forces; feudal lords spiritual and secular joined forces with emirs and byzantines in their persecution.

the advent of capitalism was a similar persecution. against the church of capitalism heresies were drawn and defined. capitalism has created more brutal and insidious forms of enslavement, as it has planted into the body of the proletariat deep divisions that have served to intensify and conceal exploitation. it is in great part because of these imposed divisions--especially those between women and men--that capitalism accumulation continues to devastate life in every corner of the planet. capitalism demanded the loss of the body and the loss of land. it’s amazing what can be accomplished with stolen goods.[1]  it’s amazing what will be touted out as ‘progress’. experiments and trials were carried out in europe and shipped around the world reworked and exported back. informing on one another like their witch hunting participants justifying one with the other. Anna Eriksdotter gets decapitated while Maria da Conceição burns while Agnes Sampson is garroted.

some people say it’s easy to point a finger at capitalism. they insist upon metrics and grimace at conjecture. well, wouldn’t you know that between 1350 and 1500 the real wage increased by 100%, prices declined by 33%, rents also declined, the length of the working-day decreased, and a tendency appeared towards local self-sufficiency. even during the Black Death starvation wasn’t as rampant as it was during the inauguration of capitalism. we know this because “had the production of grain dropped as sharply as the population, its price would have remained high." as soon as land began to be privatized, the prices of foodstuffs, which for two centuries had stagnated, began to rise and instead initiated two centuries of starvation.[2] 

in september 1565 in antwerp ‘while the poor were literally starving in the streets,’ a warehouse collapsed under the weight of the grain packed in it

II.

with land privatization came a destruction of the commons, a space which had not only hosted survival but life for generations. as enclosures came up one of the most popular forms of social protest was ripping them down. it was not the workers--women or men--who were liberated by land privatization. what was ‘liberated’ was capital, as the land was now ‘free’ to function as a means of accumulation and exploitation, rather than as a means of subsistence. liberated were the landlords, who now could unload onto the workers most of the cost of their reproduction, giving them access to some means of subsistence only when directly employed. when work would not be available or would not be sufficiently profitable, as in times of commercial or agricultural crisis, workers, instead, could be laid off and left to starve.

besides encouraging collective decision-making and work cooperation, the commons were the material foundation upon which peasant solidarity and sociality could thrive [...] the social function of the commons was especially important for women, who, having less title to land and less social power, were more dependent on them for their subsistence, autonomy, and sociality.

it is significant that, in England, most of the witch trials occured in Essex, where by the 16th century the bulk of the land had been enclosed, while in those regions of the british isles where land privatization had neither occurred nor was on the agenda we have no record of witch-hunting

though the Enclosures continued into the 18th century, even before the Reformation more than two thousand rural communities were destroyed in this way. so severe was the extinction of rural villages that in 1518 and again in 1548 the Crown called for an investigation. but despite the appointment of several royal commissions, little was done to stop the trend. can you believe that? but there were several commissions. what began, instead, was an intense struggle, climaxing in numerous uprisings, accompanied by a long debate on the merits and demerits of land privatization which is still continuing today, revitalized by the World Bank’s assault on the last planetary commons.

in pre-capitalist europe women’s subordination to men had been tempered by the fact that they had access to the commons and other communal assets, while in the new capitalist regime women themselves became the commons, as their work was defined as a natural resource, laying outside the sphere of market relations

III.

as people began to congeal united against the gentry the state the church, their community required dissection. the witch-hunt deepened the divisions between women and men, teaching men to fear the power of women, and destroyed a universe of practices, believes, and social subjects whose existence was incompatible with the capitalists work discipline. for the mass people to be divided required the most principle division of all. it was a strategy of enclosure which, depending on the context, could be enclosure of land, bodies, or social relation. it was one of many divisions to come. bacon’s rebellion would later become a warning call to the ruling classes as they watched African men, free man and enslaved man, join with white indentured servants. it was this that led to the creation of the virginia slave laws of 1705. once enshrined into law differences are hard to overcome. two hundred years later this distinction of whiteness would be upheld in United States v. Bhagat Singh Thind, assuring its citizens that “‘free white persons,’ as used in that section [of the constitution], are words of common speech, to be interpreted in accordance with the understanding of the common man” rather than the scientifically charged ‘caucasian’. 

the differences should not be underestimated [...] but the similarities in the treatments to which the populations of Europe and the Americas were subjected are sufficient to demonstrate the existence of one single logic governing the development of capitalism and the structural character of the atrocities perpetrated in this process

women were well interlaced with social protest. “it would appear that the most direct expressions of popular discontent were often associated with women, who clearly spoke with special force when community values or basic self-defence were threatened." coupled with this is the fact that at the very moment when population was declining, and an ideology was forming that stressed the centrality of labor in economic life, severe penalties were introduced in the legal codes on Europe to punish women guilty of reproductive crimes.“infanticide was the major cause, after witchcraft, for the execution of women during the Renaissance.”

it was necessary to execute them for crimes of infanticide and abortion because bodies were needed for scientific research. remember anne greene? hung 1650 died 1655. after being raped by her master’s grandson she gave birth to a child that was stillborn. the line on wikipedia goes “which, as she alleged, and according to medical evidence, was stillborn”. i suppose even wikipedia can be pleasantly surprised by the validity of a woman’s words. regardless, she was sentenced to death and hung. at her own request her friends tug and twisted the hanging body to ensure her demise. a day later when her dissection was about to start it was discovered that she still had a pulse. thankfully they decided to revive her and she was granted a full pardon. in a world of witches they called it a miracle.

it was also in this period that the word ‘gossip,’ which in the Middle Ages had meant ‘friend,’ changed its meaning, acquiring a derogatory connotation, a further sign of the degree to which the power of women and communal ties were undermined

one way to find a witch was through pricking, for all witches supposedly bore a spot where they felt no pain. this was the mark of the devil. only one way to find a needle in a haystack is to stab through every hay. funny how while descartes was filling up echo chambers in jars his words of self-actualization were ringing true in trial rooms and torture chambers. we are what we make of the world. white men accused women of being branded by the devil while they went on to brand women they had enslaved. it goes beyond being an ironic juxtaposition into the humorless grotesque.

every incident is just a trial run for the next one. the trial of dorothy good is still happening over and over again. she was a four years old when her spectre was accused of having bitten some other girls, she was jailed and on her finger was found a red spot. dorothy good was a four year old when under fierce questioning she said she had been suckling a snake. dorothy good was a four year old when she was asked if the snake had come from a dark demon. dorothy good was a four year old when she didn’t understand and called out for her mother. her mother sarah would be hung four months later. dorothy good was a four year old kept in jail for seven months. dorothy good “would emerge so mentally damaged that she needed a carer for the rest of her life” [1]

this story is not new. this story never ended. we know this continues by the thousands. these aren’t flukes. these aren’t mass panics. it’s always a systematic destruction. with the persecution of the folk healer, women were expropriated from a patrimony of empirical knowledge, regarding herbs and healing remedies, that they had accumulated and transmitted from generation to generation, its loss paving the way for a new form of enclosure. by destroying the keepers and purveyors of a knowledge that exists outside the established power structure, the knowledge way be assessed and recreated by those who seek to control its proliferation. within a handful of centuries thousands of years of reproductive knowledge was burned at the stake, its ashes swept up and disposed. with the marginalization of the midwife, the process began by which women lost the control they had exercised over procreation. midwives were pushed out and called incompetant while male doctors would go on to invent the prototype for a chainsaw as a tool for assisting childbirth. totally normal. the midwife not only reminded them of their ignorance of reproduction but she propagated the power to withhold it.“church court records featured women accused of using certain plants or 'physicks,' which might also be obtained from apothecaries or 'cunning' women." while in the Middle Ages women had been able to use various forms of contraceptives and had exercised an undisputed control over the birthing process, from now on their wombs became public territory, controlled by men and the state, and procreation was directly placed at the service of capitalist accumulation

the witch-hunt destroyed a whole world of female practices, collective relations, and systems of knowledge that had been the production of women’s power in pre-capitalist europe, and the condition for their resistance in the struggle against feudalism. knowledge that had been passed down for millenias was criminalized and privatized.

many witches were midwives or ‘wise women,’ traditionally the depository of women’s reproductive knowledge and control. The Malleu dedicated an entire chapter to them, arguing that they were worse than any other women. across oceans women’s knowledge was documented in detail decorated and defended in the name of scientific exploration. but the purveyors of knowledge were left as inconsequential footnotes beside intricate illustrations. look at how pretty the peacock flower is. learn how it’s used as an abortifacient. maria sibylla merian eagerly followed in the footsteps of her colonial fathers to acquire appropriate assume anything that may be deemed valuable. maria sibylla merian chose not to visually represent “the Indians who are not treated well when in service with the Dutch, us[ing the peacock flower] to abort their children, not wanting their children to be slaves, like them. The black female slaves from Guinea and Angola have to be treated very kindly. Otherwise they do not want children in their state of slavery and will not have any. Indeed, they sometimes even kill them because of the harsh treatment commonly inflicted on them, because they feel that they will be reborn in a free state in the country of their friends, as I heard from their own lips." after this brief diversion it’s back to her forte of caterpillars. it is the condition of the enslaved woman that most explicitly reveals the truth and the logic of capitalist accumulation

Liz Polcha writes;“scholars have suggested that her citation points to an inclusivity or mutuality among women, as if merian shared a commonality with the women she enslaved. what the peacock flower passage ultimately shows is the unnamed enslaved women’s complex understanding of the relations between herbalism, sexual oppression, and juridical notions of slave status—a complex understanding that merian lacked.” i’m inclined to agree with her. it’s hard to believe that merian, born just fifteen years after the würzburg witch trial, living at the time of the salam witch trials, was unaware of the connotations of abortifacients.

the suspicion under which midwives came in this period--leading to the entrance of the male doctor into the delivery room--stemmed more from the authorities’ fears of infanticide than from any concern with the midwives’ alleged medical incompetence. a fear not unfounded due to the midwife’s knowledge of abortives to avoid and thus could incidentally prescribe. while white europeans were leveling accusations of cannibalism, back within their local colonies they were simultaneously licking sniffing and smoking every morsel of the body. under the guise of medical practice blood would be sipped human hearts would be dried and marrow would be ground while accusations of cannibalism would ring till high heaven on the other side of the atlantic.

with their handy little medical degrees, that women obviously weren’t allowed to get, doctors also expelled women from their own bodies under the guise of objectivity and scientific research. the banner of scientific research owes a debt of gratitude to the witch hunts. it is not a coincidence that the progress of anatomy depended on the ability of the surgeons to snatch the bodies of the hanged and after being found to be foolproof the custom would continue well into the 19th century. in 1788 columbia college’s school of medicine caused an uproar when it was discovered that they were graverobbing at a nearby cemetery of Black men, most of whom had been slaves. while this led to statute criminalizing the improper treatment of dead bodies, it permitted the use of people executed as criminals “in order that science [might not] be injured by preventing the dissection of proper subjects.” after 38 Sioux were hung on December 26, 1862 their bodies were plundered by surgeons of the day. the body of Maȟpiya Akan Nažiŋ was pillaged by the founder of the Mayo clinic.

witch-hunting did not destroy the resistance of the colonized. due primarily to the struggle of women, the connection of the American [Indigenous] with the land, the local religions and nature survived beyond the persecution providing, for more than five hundred years, a source of anti-colonial and anti-capitalist resistance. this is extremely important for us, at a time when a renewed assault is being made on the resources and more of existence of indigenous populations across the planet; for we need to rethink how the conquistadors strove to subdue those whom the colonized, and what enabled the latter to subvert this plan and, against the destruction of their social and physical universe, create a new historical reality.

the global expansion of capitalism through colonialism and Christianization ensured that this persecution would be planted in the body of colonized societies, and, in time, would be carried out by the subjugated communities in their own names and against their own members

in the 1840s, for instance, a wave of witch-burnings occured in Western India. more women in this period were burned as witches than in the practice of sati. meanwhile today accusations of sorcery are used to oust women from valuable land that men covet just as every witch-hunt prior has come with the appropriation of the land of accused.

there is no evidence of men rising up to protest this assault. either no records exist because there were none; one of this first roles of the printing press was to populate pamphlets with the propaganda against witches. why have countless propaganda from one side and not a shred of rebuttal. why instead did countless clamor at the chance to be self-assigned hunters. is there a chance they existed their records were destroyed to wipe any trace of male betrayal off the face of the planet.

the hunt isn’t over. Ama Hemmah was burned alive in 2010.  Noxhamla Landa was burned to death in 2018. Fabiane Maria de Jesus was lynched in 2014.

nothing may ever be undone.

but for us to do more, we must know what has been done. as with most things that involve women the witch hunts have often been written off as hysterical. but when we look back we see something systematic and sinister. we like to think we wouldn’t let something like this keep happening.

[1] The Trial by Sadakat Kadri

marina manoukian is a reader and writer and collage artist. she currently resides in berlin while she studies and works. she likes honey and she loves bees. you can find more of her words and images at marinamanoukian.com or twitter/instagram at @crimeiscommon.

[kindcstguardian]

MISC.

NAME. Allison Greyjoy BIRTHDAY. April 2nd. AGE. 18-24. BLOOD TYPE. AB+. LANGUAGES. French, English &&. Spanish. GENDER. Female. SEXUALITY. Heterosexual demiromantic. STATUS. Multiship. OCCUPATION.  Infirmary &&. nursery student. 

VERSES.

Fandomless interactions / Default verse - 17 years old. TAG.「 V • Student ; Allison ／ ˢᵘⁿˢʰⁱⁿᵉ 」    She still lives with her abusive father and attends her last year of school without considering the possibility of leaving him behind. However, she’s thinking in attending university given she has a schoolarship: she is debating whether to choose nursery school teacher or pastry chef.

Fandomless interactions / Default ending - 23 years old. TAG.「 E0 • Living ; Allison ／ ᵏᵉᵉᵖ ᵐᵒᵛⁱⁿᵍ ᶠᵒʳʷᵃʳᵈˢ 」   After receiving the help from the Salvatici household, a trial took place and her father was sent to jail     it was a small step at her point of view  ( her friends found this admirable, though )  and she still feared everything, truth be told. She disliked her weak self and how dependant she was of Cyrel hence why, with the money she earn, bought a small house with a garden.    It’s not like she cut ties with everyone, but balancing her work with her two careers was tough but this time around she wasn’t going to let life pass her by.

Obey me verse - 23 years old. TAG.「 𝐎𝐛𝐞𝐲 𝐦𝐞 ; Allison ／ ⁱ ʰᵒᵖᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵘⁿ ʷⁱˡˡ ʳⁱˢᵉ 」 Takes the role of MC, after the events of her default ending.

   Life kept simply targeting her and she simply gave up fighting when she was dragged against her will to The Devildom     instead, she fully accepted her fate as an exchange ( human ) student in RAD. As a devoted believer of God, she tried to understand why of all humans she was chosen and, perhaps, being involved with not-so-holy creatures might have been the root of it, frowning at her friends from hiding their nature around her regardless of being fully aware of what they were.    Sighing heavily at her current situation, she decided to do her best and try to stay in her best behavior. Unlike Earth in which she had allies, here she had no one, and those who claimed being friends, were suspicious. But she is grateful at Diavolo for allowing her to stay in The House of Lamentation, surrounding herself with the Avatar of the Seven Deadly Sins ought to provide some sort of pretend sense of security.

Amour Sucre / My Candy Love - 17 years old. TAG.「 V ♡ MCL ; Allison ／ ᴸᵃˢᵗ ʸᵉᵃʳ···ᴬˡᵐᵒˢᵗ ᵃ ⁿᵉʷ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗ 」    Allison has been attending this institution known as Sweet Amorris since she started first year of highschool and is currently having a good time with the few friendships she managed to make, their presence along studies surely help her mind to stay busy.    She’s happy and grateful for all the experiences but rather insecure about what will happen with her group of friends after this stage of life is over and is terrified about her own future as well given she made it this far with their support albeit she never spoke about her issues.

My Candy Love: University Life / College verse - 21 years old. TAG. 「 V ♡ MCLUL ; Allison ／ ˢᵉᵉ ʷʰⁱᶜʰ ʷᵃʸ ᵗʰᵉ ʷⁱⁿᵈ ʷⁱˡˡ ᵇˡᵒʷ 」    After vanishing for four years from France to England, a lawyer friend of Daniel took her case and made her biological father get in jail under the charges of aggravated physical and mental abuse for sharing bloodline, in short, domestic abuse.    The trial took place around a year and, in the meantime, she studied in college at England to become a nurse—different from her initial goals of turning into an elementary school teacher or pastry chef. All of this was possible because of help from his lawyer who quickly became an older brother figure of sorts.    Still, once Allison returned to France, to cover her own expenses she works in the Novak’s bakery and loves learning how to prepare baking goods and any sweet recipe that Daniel can teach her.

Eldarya / Fantasy verse - 21 years old. TAG. 「 V • Fantasy ; Allison ／ ᴸᵒˢᵗ ⁿʸᵐᵖʰ ᵈᵉˢᶜᵉⁿᵈᵃⁿᵗ 」    Because she chased after the man who stole her bag with money she had along her textbooks for her college classes, Allison stepped on a circle of witches—they appeared to be mere glowing mushrooms but once she found herself falling from the sky onto the water and having to swim her way back to the CQ…she figured out it wasn’t just that.    Now part of the Garde Ombre, she is seen generally in the library with Kero, helping with missions paperwork or walking around with a werewolf friend of hers when she has to do garde related activities.

BNHA verse. - 18 years old. TAG. 「 V ☆ BNHA ; Allison ／ ᵉᵃᶜʰ ˡⁱᶠᵉ ⁱˢ ᵖʳᵉᶜⁱᵒᵘˢ ˢᵒ ˡⁱᵛᵉ ʷⁱᵗʰ ⁿᵒ ʳᵉᵍʳᵉᵗˢ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵒˡˡᵒʷⁱⁿᵍ ˡⁱᶠᵉ 」   QUIRK: Provoke and Localize.   HERO NAME: Beita.   CLASS: 3 - B.    Her quirks manifested at the age of only four years old, not under good circumstances...  Truth be told, they activated as soon as she felt sharp glass cutting her skin, a fresh wound across her back made by her very own father     a miserable man who could not cope with the loss of his wife that died at giving birth and blamed their only daughter, for her death. Labelling her as a killer.   The first quirk to activate had been localize which clouded entirely her field vision, only able to see everything in a dark blue hue and spot shapes of people or animals in white alongside a number. The second was... provoke,  that alone caused her father’s violence and abuse to increase at an alarming rate; when grey hues turned to face her father, she could see his shape perfectly in the dark endless abyss that surrounded her until she could deactivate her quirk consciously.    As time passed by, she decided to become a better version of herself. Her quirks initially were intertwined as she simply could not activate them separately, but she didn’t feel discouraged. She practiced every single day, she would spend most of her time in the school’s library and then change into her P.E. uniform to run in the park, activating her quirks in order to get used to them      even if it mean animals or people would chase after her, consumed by a sudden wave of negative emotions that targeted her. It was a reckless move, but it helped her learn which areas were affected and how much people, what livings she could see and the distance.    Allison was fully aware her quirks weren’t flashy or cool, that she was literally bait. That enemies could focus their sole attention and intent to kill to her, and her alone. But even then, that was arlight, a burning flame was set within her heart that yelled she would become a heroine against all odds.    The first step she took right after graduating middle school was to report her father’s domestic abuse. It hurt, it made her feel guilty having no other relative, but he couldn’t keep living like that. She couldn’t keep tolerating his behavior, but until her graduation, she had the faintest hope that he would change. But he didn’t, and now she lived with a friend’s family who took custody of her at the time.    Nowdays, she’s a third year and she didn’t foresee not even in her wildest dreams all the events that were taking place in U.A. and outside of it: the fallen symbol of peace, the sudden raise of villains, how the first years were forced to catch up with that fast non-stopping pace     with her quirk now localizing enemies in a radius of fifty meters and everyday studyng to improve, memorizing faces and gathering date of each student to see them with localize, Allison Greyjoy is aiming to be a heroine who can save those whose cries and pleads of help don’t reach everyone, voice quiet in a fear that she once felt. A stealth type of hero.

Godness verse - Over a thousand of years. TAG. 「 V • Godness ; Allison ／ ᵀᵘʳⁿⁱⁿᵍ ʷⁱˢʰᵉˢ ⁱⁿᵗᵒ ʳᵉᵃˡⁱᵗʸ 」    She’s a small goodness from a forgotten temple given her village is little after a war that killed a majority of the population.    Still, when people do remember her and pay visits, she may ocasionally grant wishes if she can truly feel the one making said wish is asking from the very bottom of their heart.

Utano prince-sama / Idol verse - 19 years old. TAG. 「 V ☆ Idol ; Allison ／ ᵘⁿᵉˣᵖᵉᶜᵗᵉᵈ ᵗᵘʳⁿ ᵒᶠ ᵉᵛᵉⁿᵗˢ, ᴴᵉᵃʳᵗˢʸ 」    Escaping from her former life in an abusive household, Agatha found her unconscious on a couple of trashbags with nasty bruises and took her under her wing. A few months later, legally taking custody of her as her guardian.    Shortly after such fate, she studied in an idol / composer & artist school in which she chose the course of idol without giving to it much thought and once, among other selected ones, got to exchange schools for a month with Saotome Academy in which her decision to become an idol stopped being pointless and started to have a meaning.    Along a couple of friends, they made their own debut under the name ʜᴇᴀʀsᴛʏ: Allison’s an official idol and is often in kid shows and ocasional starring guest in drama or romantic type of series. She will also accept request from radio shows although those don’t happen that often.

Kamigami no Asobi verse / 18 years old. TAG. 「 V • Assistant ; Allison ／ ˢᵒ·ˡⁱᶜ·ⁱ·ᵗᵘᵈᵉ 」    Not entirely aware how she ended surrounded by gods or why she was required to assist Yui in such important request, she couldn’t bring herself to hesitate. If a powerful deity had asked her to help, she must do so.

APH verse. / 17 years old. TAG. 「 V ☆ Another life ; Allison ／ ᵗᵃᵏⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ˢᵗᵉᵖ ᶠᵒʷᵃʳᵈ」   After yet another night in which her father drank too much and the violence was beyond to what a child could resist, she ran out of the house. It wasn’t strange for her at age seven to find a spot where to sleep in the park, usually a bench or a really good bush not to tempt her luck if it was dark.    Except this time around, someone found her. Initially, she was wary and utterly scared but this man was different     just like her teachers back in school, that kind aura that her father never had. But to bring herself to trust an adult was hard, it was difficult to build a trust in a relationship she never had: her father was only sober during her birthday which was the same day as her mother’s death anniversary.    Regardless, something made her trust this man. Whether it was the utmost shock but real expression of seeing a little child with so many wounds, trembling on a park bench past midnight with no adult companion. He didn’t abruptly approach her, aware of her fear. Kneeling before her and softly speaking, it wasn’t long before she cried.    Nowdays, she currently lives with that very same man who is named Francis Bonnefoy. Thanks to that faithful encounter, she found something she never had: a family, even if it only consisted on a father and herself. 

Osomatsu-san verse / 20 years old. TAG. 「 V • Part-timer ; Allison ／ ᵗʰᵉ ˡᵃⁿᵍᵘᵃᵍᵉ ᵒᶠ ᶠˡᵒʷᵉʳˢ 」    She actually works near the Sutaba Café, in a small flower shop. Given her Japanese is not the best, she is usually seen with an albino female whom translates for her or, when on her own, speaks rather awkwardly.    However, she’s learning through constant interaction with clients and Yummikko herself.

Fandomless interactions / Plotted with starryburglar - 18 years old. TAG.「 V • A new family ; Allison ／ ᵉⁿᵈˡᵉˢˢ ʳᵒᵃᵈ 」     For once in her life, Allison decided to hold onto that hand that was reaching out for her to help. And that’s how she ended living in the road with her new brothers. 

TAGS.

「 Allison Greyjoy ／ ᶠʳᵃᵍⁱˡᵉ ⁱˡˡᵘˢⁱᵒⁿ 」

「 Allison Greyjoy ／ INQUIRY 」

「 Allison Greyjoy ／ MUSINGS 」

「 Allison Greyjoy ／ VISAGE 」

「 Allison Greyjoy ／ MANNERISMS 」

「 Allison Greyjoy ／ ROMANCE 」

「 Allison Greyjoy ／ CRACK 」

✘ ˢᵗᵃʳʳʸᵇᵘʳᵍˡᵃʳ · Nevra ♡（ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵒˡᵈ ᵐᵉ ⁱ ᶠᵉᵉˡ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ⁱ'ᵐ ⁿᵒ ˡᵒⁿᵍᵉʳ ˡᵒˢᵗ ） 

✘ · Hiccup ♡

[completeworksofsigmundfreud]

Studies on Hysteria (1895) - Part II - Case Histories -  Case 2 -  Emmy von V., 40 year, from Livonia (Freud) - English summary

The second case of Studies on Hysteria is a woman performing under the alias Emmy Von V., who Freud took care of from May 1889. According to his observations, it was very easy to get her into the state of somnambulism and so he decided to use Breuer’s method since his friend described it to him in detail, although he was inexperienced in it and it was his first try. When he saw Mrs. Emmy for the first time, she lay on the sofa and her still youthful appearance was giving her enough charm despite her age. Her face was distorted by a painful grimace, though, her forehead was wrinkled, the tone of her voice too low and she often alternated between states of stammering. Her hands were tightly clasped, her facial muscles kept moving, just as the muscles on her neck. She kept disturbing her speech by a clacking sound coming out of her mouth. When she started to tell Freud about her illness, she spoke intelligibly and she showed a high level of education and intelligence. In the middle of the conversation, she fell into hallucinatory state, though, her face twisted in disgust and contempt, reaching out her hands to Freud with bend fingers and yelled at him not to come any closer to her and not to touch her (Freud later discovered that it was her defensive mechanism). At a slap, she became normal again and resumed the conversation without being aware of her hallucination. Freud got to know everything essential about her origin – her family descended from central Germany, but lived in Baltic provinces in Russia for the last two generations and owned vast estates there. Emmy was thirteenth of fourteen children from which only four children survived under the supervision of their strict mother. In her age of 23 years, she married to rich, significantly older man, who died of stroke soon after the wedding. She was forced to bring up two daughters completely alone (now in the age of 16 and 14 years) who were often ill and suffered from various neurotic problems. Emmy herself attributed her illness to these events as she withered away year by year despite several treatments and procedure she had been through all over the world. Freud advised her to disconnect herself from her daughter who had her own governess by that time, and to move to a nursing home where he could pay his entire attention to her. Emmy agreed without objections.

On 2nd May 1889 Freud visited her in the nursing home and noticed that Emmy always startled whenever anyone entered her room. He ordered to everyone to knock loudly and wait for her invitation before entering. In the following days, Emmy felt better thanks to Freud’s practice – he ordered hot baths for her and massages of her whole body twice a day. Before she went to sleep, he always lightly hypnotised her and tried to convince her that she should sleep well and her symptoms should improve. Emmy reacted more than positively and she never asked him about her hypnoid states, slept well and spent most of her days by peaceful rest in the bed. Her daughters could visit her, or Emmy could read and deal with her correspondence.

On 8th May 1889 she piqued his interest by a story she read in newspapers that made her tremble with fear – about a boy who was tied up by an apprentice and who gave him a white mouse into his mouth. The boy died of fear. When Freud hypnotised her, he found that the article in the newspapers really tells a story about a boy who was tormented to death but there was no mention about mice or rats. He came to the conclusion that Emmy had to create the association by herself in some sort of delirium after one of the doctors told her that he sent a crate of mice to Tbilisi. In the evening, she couldn’t remember anything about it, she just mentioned that she suffered from cramps in her neck in the afternoon. Freud tried to convince her in the hypnosis to talk more about her past experiences so he could find out why she associated the tormented boy with mice and rats. Although she mediated before every single answer, she was able to give him the answers during which she kept twitching and the expressions on her faces kept changing from the one of horror to the one of fear. She started talking about how her siblings threw dead animals at her which caused her first fits of fainting and cramps. Her aunt considered it as unacceptable so these demonstrations of her mental state stopped. Another traumatic experiences were dead bodies of her sister and aunt, and her brother who scared her dressed as a ghost. On a question why she kept throwing herself so much, she explained that when she was talking about all the traumatic experiences, she could see them in front of her quite lively and colourfully. Freud swore to himself to help her to free herself from these lively notions by therapy and induced this suggestion to her by stroking her eyes for a couple of times.

9th May 1889 – Emmy slept well but she started to have digestive problems after she spent too much time with her daughters in the garden. Freud advised to her to limit the visit of her daughter to two and half hours at maximum. There were also other symptoms that had origin in a shock she suffered after she leafed through an ethnological atlas and she saw American Indians dressed as animals. Freud tried to convince her in the hypnosis not to fear of the pictures but quite the contrary, to laugh at them which she did after she woke up. She kept giving out the clacking sound, though (she brought it about when she took care of her sick daughter and was forced to be completely quiet and now the tic showed when she was nervous or anxious), and especially after Breuer’s visit (she didn’t mind him) and a doctor from the nursing home (the reason of her anxiety). By the evening, she was cheerful and showed very surprising humour sense considering her social status that was directed mainly on her previous therapy which she tried to get rid of, but never found the courage to do so. That happened after a remark from Doctor Breuer but then she was horrified that she was too indiscrete. Freud calmed her down that it wasn’t like that and hypnotised her so she could tell him more about her fears. Emmy started to talk about her teenager years where she started to suffer from fear of insanity because her female cousin and her mother spent some time in an asylum, and from one of the maids who was also in the asylum, she hear horrific stories about how the patients were treated. Freud tried to fix her impressions about the asylums. Then Emmy talked about her concerns for her mother because she once found her after a stroke which mother survived but few years later, she died anyway and Emmy found her. Freud succeeded in suggesting that she should perceive these facts but shouldn’t associate them with any emotions.

10th May 1889 – Emmy went through a bran bath for the first time and she didn’t like it, claiming that it caused her a lot of pain. During the massage, she relaxed and while she was afraid that Doctor Breuer could get insulted by her yesterday’s behaviour, she also started to talk about her queer male cousin whose parents got all his teeth pull out at one sitting. She got into hysterics during these moments and kept repeating her defensive mechanism, then she calmed won again. Freud focused on her defensive mechanism during the hypnosis and found out that the phrases she used had an origin in her past – “Keep still” was connected to a period when she was attacked by her animal hallucinations. “Don’t touch me” reflected in a past experience where her brother grabbed her strongly in a fit caused my morphine overdoes, or when her daughter was sick that one time and almost strangled her to death. During the evening hypnosis, the focused on her stammering problem and it came into light that she got into a situation in the past when she forced herself to keep quiet so the frightened horses wouldn’t be frightened even more. After another suggestion therapy that Freud practiced in her case, she got rid of the problem. Then they talked about other cases during which Emmy got scared and they came to the understanding as to why Emmy always startled when someone entered her room. All her shocks and past traumas usually came suddenly and unexpectedly.

11th May 1889 – gynaecological examination of her daughter made Emmy very nervous and Freud had to hypnotise her. It came out that she was afraid of telling him something that could insult him the other day, but Freud explained to her that nothing like that happened. After the examination they talked about her greatest shocks and fears – especially the death of her husband and the following illness of her daughter who was a bit retarded during her childhood. Freud argued that her daughter was now an adult and she was in a very good condition by which he helped Emmy to get rid of the inner fear what would happen with the child. Then they returned to her fear from asylums and Freud once again tried to convince her that the patients were treated well. He realized, during these hypnoses, that it wasn’t good to interrupt Emmy because she was angry with him for that in her hypnoid state.

12th May 1889 – despite Freud’s expectations, Emmy didn’t sleep well and didn’t want to talk about the bad dream she had had. During the massage, she rather talked about the times she spent at the Baltic and people from the neighbouring town she entertained etc. During the hypnosis, she uncovered that her nightmares from the last night concerned her fear from animals. Freud tried to force her to the root of the problem, but she informed that they would get there when she wanted and he should let her to narrate the story. When he did so, she started to talk about her husband again, how she couldn’t believe he had been dead and how she hated her child for three years because of that, because she believed that her husband could have still been alive if she could have taken care of him, instead of lying in the bed because of this child. These events were also connected to drear of foreign people after the family of her deceased husband started a campaign against her, slandering her, printing defaming articles in the newspapers about her, and keeping accusing her that she poisoned her husband because they couldn’t stand their marriage and their happiness. Emmy relaxed after Freud told her a couple of soothing words.

13th May 1889 – Emmy slept badly again and although she was in relatively good mood, her tics returned. She spoke about her fear of animals in the hypnosis that appeared after she had been on one theatre performance and had gotten scared by a character of giant lizard. She also spoke about her digestive problems they connected with depression after her husband’s death when she ate out of duty. She also confessed that although she hated her child, no one could ever notice it and she reproached herself until this day that she had been fonder of the elder child more.

14th May 1889  - Emmy slept well finally but she complained about pains in her right leg. During the hypnosis, they returned to her fear of foreign people when she listed all the other cases of this fear. Freud saw the main problem in what had happened after her husband died, though. When he came to see her in the evening, she was anxious again. Breuer had visited her and she had startled when he came in. She considered it as inappropriate because she disparaged Freud in front of Breuer according to her opinion. Freud had noticed so far, though, that she always tried to be obliging and dutiful to comply with Freud’s wishes and when it wasn’t like that, she reproached herself. He assured her during the hypnosis that nothing happened and she shouldn’t be so hard towards herself.

15th May 1889 – Emmy slept well again, but she started to be anxious immediately. She explained that she had advised her daughters to used a lift in the pension both for a ride up and down. But because she didn’t trust lifts, she reproached herself for causing a threat to her daughters’ lives. Freud, who knew the pension and its owner, explained to her that the lift is safe and the owner wouldn’t make such an advertisement out of it if it wasn’t. Emmy was able to laugh at her unwarranted fears, but Freud suspected that her today’s anxiety had different roots. He started with the massage of her body, but Emmy spoke mostly about her social life in German Russia and North Germany and entertained him with many stories. During the hypnosis, they returned to her morning anxiety and it came out that she was afraid that her period was about to start and it would prevent her from having massages, but in attempt to avoid this fear, she attached to something entirely different – thus to the lift in the pension. Freud added in the footnotes that this hadn’t occurred for the first time – for example she once claimed that she didn’t want to take cold bath because they caused her a depression and when Freud convinced her through hypnosis that she wanted cold bath, she really started to take them. However, she fell into depression anyway, but later admitted that she read in newspapers reports about riots in San Domingo and her brother, who hadn’t sent any message about himself, was there. Freud came to the conclusion that during the splitting of consciousness, there is also a transfer of psychosis onto different object, most of the time seemingly irrational. Then they focused on her pains in the various parts of her body, when Emmy talked about the events when she had felt them the most. In the evening, they also focused on her fears about the family members – illness of her children, life of her newlywed brother. They talked them through in detail and Freud also gave her a couple of advises considering her pains.

16th May 1889  - Emmy slept well and she complained again about some pains, but the hypnosis didn’t reveal a thing. When Freud came to her in the evening, she was nervous and her thoughts kept running without any kind of order. She wasn’t able to answer on any of the questions he had asked her, and so he hypnotised her and started to take her words one by one to let her talk about it.

17th May 1889 – Emmy had a very good night, but the pains and anxiety lasted, she was overly cheerfully and didn’t want to talk about why she was so excited. In the hypnosis, Freud focused on animals because she saw worms in her bran bath. She began stammering again and when he asked why, she answered that it did so every time she felt frightened. She was afraid that because of the return of some of her symptoms, Freud would lose patience with her and stop his treatment, and she also worried about not thanking him for coming to visit her. Freud assured her that she was getting better, and that she was more resilient and opened to people she was close with and that was the important thing. By the evening, she was very content and hypnosis didn’t bring anything. Freud focused on the pains in her right leg then which he managed to get rid of in her hypnoid state but after she woke up, the pain partly returned.

18th May 1889 – allegedly, she hadn’t slept so well for many years. The pains still last, though.

By that, Freud completed his notes about Emmy. Because he always waited for various symptoms to appear and let the things flow, the notes were often repetitive and didn’t bring anything new. Existing notes considered as sufficient. After 7 weeks of treatment Emmy’s state improved enough that Freud allowed her to return home with that both he and Breuer would stay in contact with her in correspondence to know how she was doing. She relapsed 7 months later because her daughter started to have some uterus problems. Freud advised her to visit his gynaecologist friend who managed to help her daughter for a couple of months. After the return home, the daughter got worse and Emmy chose a different gynaecologist. She started to reproach herself because of what happened to her daughter, and she also accused Freud’d gynaecologist friend, as well as Freud himself, by which she completely destroyed the results of his treatment. The situation improved fter Breuer’s intervention, but the aversion towards Freud still lasted. She let them persuade her, though, to transfer her to a sanatorium where the main doctor was in contact with Freud and received recommendations from him how to treat Emmmy.

Sanatorium proved to be a failure, though, because Emmy refused any kind of treatment. She improved after her family relative “kidnapped” her from sanatorium and took care of her in her home. Soon after, Emmy decided to leave for Vienna and ask Freud for his help again. He found that her state wasn’t that bad as he had heard. The anxiety was replaced by confusion, moments of sadness in a particular hour and various tics. He had problems to hypnotise her because of her unpleasant experiences in the sanatorium, but he succeeded in the end. During the hypnosis he came to the conclusion that to reach the therapeutic effect, the described event must be retold fully and completely truthfully. He started to pay attention if Emmy wasn’t holding back anything or distorting the facts. He “abused” the hypnosis to make her forget on unpleasant sanatorium. He had bigger problems with “storms in her head” as she called them that were connected to the illness of her daughter, but he managed to get over them, as well. At the end of her treatment, he found out that Emmy ate a little and she couldn’t drink anything else but thick fluids, according to her words. Freud ordered to increase the food portions and drink alkaline water. Emmy agreed with that she was doing it because he said so and warned him beforehand that it was going to end up badly, because her digestive system wasn’t adapted the way to eat normally. Freud dismissed that because he didn’t consider likely that someone could be able to cause digestive problems to himself by this way. However, he found her in depression after the food and she complained about digestive problems and he came to the conclusion that the problems were caused by psychical problems.  He tried to hypnotise her but Emmy rebelled and accused him of causing her these problem, and mainly that he threw away all the progress just because he wanted to learn her eat how he wanted. Freud told her that he would leave her for 24 hours alone to think it over and consider whether the digestive problems were really caused physically or if it was a psychical problem. If she would insist on a physical problem, he would ask her to leave because he couldn’t help her anymore. After 24 hours, he found her submissive and complaint. She admitted that she thought that the digestive problems were caused by her psychical problems but just because Freud thought so, as well. Under the hypnosis, she then talked about a series of experiences that produced disgust and distaste in her (inappropriate behaviour of other at the table, her mother forcing her to eat cold meat etc.), as well as her disgust towards water (caused by experience in the childhood when her whole family suffered from digestive problems because of bad drinking water). The therapeutic effect of hypnosis showed immediately the second day.

After she was released from the treatment, Freud remained in contact with Emmy as she wrote him how well she ate and drank, and how she gained some weight. She had problems with her daughter, though, who became disobedient with unreachable ambitions and even became violent. Freud came to the conclusion that it was a case of hereditary psychosis and said that to Emmy who accepted with understanding. In spring, he met with her in her home and was glad for her new and healthy life when she lived full social life with a couple of occasional, trivial problems, such as problems with travelling by train and gaps in her memories. She was also afraid that she would be less obedient to hypnosis but Freud managed to convince her otherwise by a little trick. After this visit, their communication was limited, Freud only heard that her daughter started to worsen and in 1893, Emmy sent him a letter if he agreed to hypnosis from a different doctor. Freud agreed because Emmy fell ill again.