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iliveiloveiwrite · 4 years ago

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Paging Healer Malfoy // Chapter Five - Past Hauntings (D.M.)

A/N: CHAPTER FIVE!! Dates and drama, what more could you ask for? I actually wrote most of this before I even started to write Chapter Four, I was that excited for one bit! I hope you all like! All my medical knowledge comes from ER, so if there’s anything wrong, I apologise!

Summary: Draco has finally asked (Y/N) out, but will their date run smoothly?

Warnings: I made up a jinx, mentions of injuries, brief descriptions of procedures, strong reader, fluff, swearing, mean old men, mentions of food, kissing - IT ENDS WITH A BUTTLOAD OF FLUFF.

Word count: 4.2k

Prologue // Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four

Draco lands on (Y/N)’s doorstep half an hour before their reservation at a bistro recommended to him by Dean.

He releases a shaky breath before knocking twice on her front door. Draco had only been to her home three or four times through the length of their friendship; (Y/N) much preferred to relax at his place and at his, she was closer to the hospital should she be called for anything.

Calming his heart, Draco fiddles with the cuff of his white shirt; ensuring that just enough poked out from underneath the black suit jacket he had chosen to wear.

It takes another knock at her door for (Y/N) to answer; she wrenches the door open with an apologetic smile, “I’m so sorry, Draco, I’m almost ready. I just need to find my shoes, jacket and bag and we can go.”

“Don’t apologise,” He laughs; his nerves abating somewhat, “You were dancing weren’t you?”

(Y/N) flushes, “How did you know?”

Draco points above him; to her bedroom where he can hear the well-known sounds of ABBA playing, “You love ABBA, it makes sense you would dance.”

She rolls her eyes, “Alright Sherlock, I was dancing to ABBA and I lost track of time, is that better?”

Draco laughs, nodding, “Much better.”

She smiles, “Good. Let me go grab the rest of my things and we can go.”

Draco doesn’t verbalise his response; he simply nods at her, watching her walk away, admiring her outfit. (Y/N) wears figure hugging tailored trousers; tapered so they’re tighter at the hems. His eyes rake over her body as she climbs the stairs to her room; he chides himself for not acting like a gentlemen but the stirring desire in his veins tells him not to bother.

(Y/N) rushes back down the stairs; almost tripping on the last step as she bounces around, trying to slip her foot into her heel. Draco lurches forward; reaching for her just as she topples forward. He can’t help the laugh that leaves his mouth, “Are you okay?”

She stands with a huff; hoisting her bag on her shoulder having put her jacket on upstairs, “I’m fine. Shall we get going?”

Draco smirks; holding out his arm for her to take, “As you wish, Dancing Queen.”

-------

Draco had booked a table at a small bistro; nothing overly fancy, but still cosy enough to retain the romantic atmosphere he hopes will continue throughout the date.

It’s not an overly large restaurant; fifteen or so tables all covered with red and white gingham cloth. A small kitchen resides in the back of the bistro; the scent of Mediterranean herbs making Draco’s stomach rumble as he and (Y/N) are led to their table.

“How did you find this place?” She asks, sliding into her chair, shucking off her jacket.

“Dean recommended it to me.”

(Y/N) smiles, “I was gonna say. This doesn’t have ‘Malfoy’ written all over it.”

He raises an eyebrow, “And what does?”

She taps a finger to her chin; deliberating with a small smile, “Michelin Stars, for starters. Huge plates with tiny portions of food, and expensive wine lists.”

Draco holds his hands up in surrender, “You’re right. However, my father is the sommelier of the family, I simply drink the stuff.”

(Y/N) snorts, “Is Draco Malfoy a rebel?”

He blushes at her teasing tone; glancing back down to the menu in his hands. A satisfied smile spreads across (Y/N)’s face at the sight of leaving Draco speechless; he so often had comebacks ready. It was a treat to see him so affected by her.

She peers down at the menu, “What are you thinking?”

“Is it completely stereotypical of me to go for the steak?” Draco ponders.

She shakes her head, laughing, “I may have been thinking the same thing.”

They hand their menus over to the waiter; giving their orders and choosing not to drink. Instead, they stick to water. Work tomorrow would be easier if they didn’t have a hangover to deal with as well.

“How long are you on tomorrow?” Draco asks.

(Y/N) shakes her head, “Let’s not talk about work.”

“I can do that,” He comments, “What would you like to talk about?”

She raises an eyebrow, “How did you know I was listening to ABBA? I thought you didn’t care much for muggle music.”

Draco flushes, “I don’t care for a lot of muggle music.”

“But you like ABBA?”

Draco nods; trying not to roll his eyes, “I like ABBA.”

(Y/N) laughs; clapping her hands together in delight, “That is my new favourite thing about you, Draco.”

“Oh?” He smirks, “What was it before?”

(Y/N) flushes as she averts her eyes; glancing around the room, “Truthfully?”

“Now you have me worried…”

She shoots him a glare, “I won’t tell if you’re going to be an arse.”

Draco holds one hand up in surrender; the other crosses over his heart, “I promise I won’t be an arse tonight.”

(Y/N) smiles shyly, “Your eyes.”

“My eyes?”

(Y/N) nods; the flush spreading to her neck as she bites her lip. The specific knowledge settles in Draco; making its home in his heart.

She recovers quickly, “What about you?”

“What about me?” Draco counters; knowing exactly where she’s going with this.

“What’s your favourite thing about me?”

Draco shuffles in his seat; butterflies running riot in his stomach. He reaches for his glass of water; wetting his mouth before speaking, “I don’t have a specific thing.”

(Y/N) visibly deflates; disappointed at his words, “You don’t?”

Draco nods; deciding honesty to be the best policy, “My favourite thing about you is all of you.”

“Oh…” (Y/N) whispers; a mesmerising smile breaking over her face and leaving him breathless. She opens her mouth to say more; to say what she feels in this moment, but as the words start to form on the tip of her tongue she’s interrupted by the arrival of their food.

With practiced flourish, the waiter places their food in front of them. The smell and sight making Draco’s mouth water. He digs in after sending a broad smile over to (Y/N) who watches Draco with bright eyes and a large smile herself.

Conversation is little as they eat; the both of them practiced in the art of needing to eat and rushing off to the next patient.

They get halfway through their main courses when Draco’s pager sounds. He looks at (Y/N) apologetically, “I thought I had turned it off. I told the hospital that I was off for the night, not be called in at any time.”

(Y/N) moves to answer, but she is interrupted by her own pager sounding in her bag. She glances at Draco sheepishly; the apology glimmering in her eyes as she reaches for it. Her expression changes as she reads over the number on the screen; Draco feels so concerned he can’t help but reach for his own pager to read what’s on the screen.

It takes them less than five minutes to pay the bill and rush from the restaurant; hurrying into a side alley to apparate to the emergency room.

They’re greeted by Vera; she looks them up and down, “Did you drink?”

Draco and (Y/N) shake their heads, “We’re both on tomorrow; we stuck to water.”

Vera thrusts trauma gowns at them, “Good. We need you sharp.”

Draco’s senses hone in; attention becoming laser sharp and focused. The shift in him is visible all to watching him; the relaxed posture dropping away to make room for the attending. He looks to Vera as he slides on goggles, “What do we have coming in?”

“Large raid on one of the last death eater hang outs. A battle broke out; everyone injured is coming our way,” Vera shakes her head, “It’s even being reported on muggle news; that’s how bad things got.”

“ETA?”

“Less than two minutes.”

Draco exhales, “Where are the trainees?”

“Behind you Healer Malfoy,” Matthew Kinghorn’s voice calls out.

He turns to find all four already gowned and gloved, ready and waiting. He meets the eyes of each one, “This will be your first large trauma, am I correct?” At their nods, he continues, “Okay. Split off to your attendings; do not get in the way. Help when you can but do not overcrowd. Kinghorn, I want you with me.”

Matthew startles; already heading towards his attending. Draco shakes his head; waiting for the other trainees to file away, “I want to see how you handle a trauma situation after I saw you with our impalement. We don’t exactly know what’s coming in but stay alert. If you think you’re going to be sick, leave the room. Do you understand?”

Matthew nods; remaining silent, following Draco as the first of the injured roll up.

From there, it’s close to a blood bath. St. Mungo’s is the only wizarding hospital in the entire country; supposedly equipped to handle such traumas. However, when the patients are from two groups with such differing ideals, keeping them separated is difficult.

In his head, Draco plans to make another appeal to the Minster for Magic; wondering if Hermione could help him persuade the powers that be for another hospital.

Piercing screams distract Draco from his plans to expand the hospital. With Matthew close behind, Draco rushes towards the sound. Being wheeled in by medics is a young Auror; barely out of his twenties or so Draco assumes – his face and body have been burnt so badly by a jinx that it makes it difficult for Draco to age the patient but also for the patient to offer anything but his screams.

The moment they enter the trauma room, Draco administers a pain potion. In cases like this, the survival rate was low. The most that could be done is to offer as much comfort to the patient as possible.

Draco looks over to Matthew, “How are you feeling, Kinghorn?”

Matthew’s gaze finally meets Draco; his skin looking rather green, “I’ve never seen something so bad.”

“Cases like this are rare, but they do happen. Now, the patient isn’t getting enough oxygen with the mask, what do we need to do?”

Matthew flounders; Draco adjusts the mask on the patient’s face, repeating his words, “What do we need to do, Matthew?”

The use of his first name snaps his out of whatever stupor, “Intubate. He needs to be intubated.”

“Have you seen one done?”

Matthew nods, “Healer (Y/L/N) showed me last week.”

“Good. You know what they say, ‘see one, do one, teach one’. Get over here, Matthew,” Draco leans over the patient, “Sir, we’re going to have to put a tube in your throat to help you breath.”

The patient nods; a tear falling down his face as he realises the likelihood of him coming off the vent is low. At the patient’s nod, Draco administers a sedative – to help the patient and Matthew through this. Draco looks to Matthew; nodding his head slightly for him to begin the procedure.

Matthew bounces to life; rushing to the head of the patient. Draco hands him the scope and tube needed for the procedure; speaking him through it as Matthew visualises the cords, slipping the tube down the patient’s throat – aiming for the lungs and not the stomach.

(Y/N) joins Draco as Matthew finishes intubating the patient; the need for muggle medicine a priority when the jinxes and curses were so bad there was little chance of recovery. This particular patient had been hit with the extensive burn jinx – a nasty jinx that isn’t seen too often as it causes third degree burns across 80% of the body; spreading across the body like a wildfire, giving the witch or wizard hit a low chance of survival.

“How did you find our first date?” Draco asks as (Y/N) begins to debride the burns; giving the patient some chance of relief.

(Y/N) smiles at him from over the trauma, “It’s like you knew exactly what I wanted.”

Draco can’t help the laugh that escapes him; quickly regaining his professionalism, however and apologising to the patient even though he is sedated. He looks back to her, “Can you handle it from here?”

She nods; eyes flickering the trauma room behind, “I’ve got it. I’ll find you when I’m done.”

Draco grins at her; pulling off his gloves and gown before rushing into the next trauma. The patient is agitated; shouting and screaming at the nurses, leaving Jude Prewett scared but firm as she talks him down.

The Auror only gets angrier at the sight of Draco; hollering for the whole floor to hear, “I won’t have you treat me! I demand another Healer. Get me another Healer.”

“Healer Malfoy is the best Healer we have,” Jude reassures; eyes flickering between the patient and Draco.

The patient shakes his head; adamant, “I won’t have a Death Eater treat me. He’ll kill me just as he would look at me.”

Draco wants to shout; wants to get in the patient’s face and list all the ways he’s repented since he was a scared and vulnerable sixteen year old, doing what he thought was right for his family.

He doesn’t though; he sighs sadly, stepping back from the patient, “I understand sir, I’ll go fetch another Healer,” He looks to Jude, “Are you okay for a few more minutes while I go get Healer (Y/L/N)?”

Jude nods; eyes sad from Draco’s quick dismissal. As Draco returns to trauma room one, he hears Jude say, “I hope you know you just insulted one of the best Healers we have.”

(Y/N) looks up as Draco re-enters, “What’s wrong?”

Draco shakes his head; hating the lump that has formed in his throat, “Do you mind treating next door?”

She nods down to the patient she is currently working on, “I’m busy here. Why can’t you do it?”

“He doesn’t want to be treated by me. Wants another Healer.”

“Why?” She demands; voice angry, eyes angrier as they glance into the room behind Draco.

“We’ll talk about it later. Will you please treat him? I can take over here.”

(Y/N) looks like she very much wants to argue with him, but she decides against it. She nods quietly; handing Draco her scalpel before disrobing, “What’s his name?” She asks, referring to the patient.

Draco shrugs; focusing his attention on the burn victim, “We didn’t get that far.”

-----

(Y/N) liked to believe that she was patient; she knew when she began her training as a Healer that she would need to learn the art of patience and fast for there are some patients who have a list of medical complaints a mile long.

However, she did not have any patience for the narrow-minded Auror ranting before her.

“I can’t believe a place like this would hire him.”

“Hire who?” She asks; daring him to say it.

“Him,” He spits; jutting his chin to next door when (Y/N) knows Draco works diligently over another Auror who may only have hours to live due to the extensiveness of their burns.

“That man you’re spitting about happens to be working on your colleague.”

The Auror rolls his eyes, “My colleague wouldn’t be in his mess if it wasn’t for families like his. I knew who he was the moment he walked in the room; Lucius Malfoy’s brat.”

(Y/N) grits her teeth; continuing to stitch up the man’s arm; refusing to rise to his vitriol. He takes her silence as permission to continue, “I’m surprised we didn’t find his father there. We certainly found a lot of his friends; hiding together like rats, plotting their next uprising as if the last one worked. Who are they going to worship now? The Dark Lord is gone.”

“And yet,” (Y/N) breathes, “You cannot say his name without being scared.”

The Auror glares at her; not happy to have his courage questioned. He remains silent through the rest of his treatment; seething at her words, knowing that she called him on his bullshit.

(Y/N) removes her gloves, standing from her chair, “I would say that it’s been a pleasure to heal you given that you’re an Auror, but it hasn’t. I will be contacting your superior for the abuse you’ve shown my colleague – who, for your information, has nothing to repent for. I understand questioning the adults that followed Lord Voldemort, but you do not get to question the children who were innocent bystanders in a game they didn’t understand.”

The Auror laughs menacingly, “Speak to my superior, see if I care.”

(Y/N) grins, “I will. You’ve ballsed up big time – want to know why?”

The Auror remains quiet so (Y/N) tells him anyway, nodding towards Draco, “Your boss is one of his best friends.”

The colour fades from the Auror’s face and (Y/N) admits to herself that she rather enjoyed telling him what’s what. Patience is something that (Y/N) is still learning; even almost ten years into her career, but what she will not stand for in any form, is bullying.

----

Draco takes a moment of leave from the burn patient when his family arrive in floods of tears; asking about statistics and whether he was positive that nothing could be done.

He doesn’t see the commotion, but he hears it; her voice travels down the hall, easily leading Draco to her. He finds her gesturing wildly to an unprepared Harry Potter.

Harry catches his eye; pleading silently for help. Draco makes his way to her side; placing his hand on the small of her back, “What’s happening here?”

“I was just tell Harry about that lovely patient we have

“Auror Flintlock?” Draco asks; taking the chart from (Y/N)’s hands.

Her hands settle on her hips, “Potter, you have to do something about him. He was wildly inappropriate towards Draco.”

Draco sighs, “Patients can refuse to be treated by certain Healers, (Y/N).”

(Y/N) purses her lips; her attention still fixed on Harry, “I want to see him at least written up and giving an official warning for how he continued to speak after Draco left the room.”

Harry nods, “He’ll be written up, (Y/N). He’s been skating on thin ice for a while.”

(Y/N) folds her arms; a victorious look on her face, “Thank you, Potter.”

Harry smiles; nodding at them both, not missing their closeness. He makes a mental note to mention it to Draco the next time they go drinking. Harry looks towards trauma one, “How’s he doing?”

Draco pats Harry’s shoulder, “80% thickness burns to most of his body. It was a nasty jinx, Harry.”

“How long does he have?”

“Hours,” Draco states plainly, “His family is with him now.”

Harry nods; silver lining his eyes, sighing, “Good. They should be. He’s been on the force less than a year.”

With little else to say, Harry leaves Draco and (Y/N) – fulfilling his duty as an Auror; going to comfort the family of one of their own.

Draco and (Y/N) retreat to the break room; never officially being on in the first place. Like always, the ancient television set only displays the muggle news in a hushed volume; the red banner skirting across the bottom of the screen announcing an unexplained explosion on the outskirts of London. The news anchor repeats how lucky it was that no-one was hurt. Draco represses the urge to roll his eyes; muggles weren’t hurt, that’s correct and he’s thankful for that, but his emergency room is filled with Aurors and Death Eaters alike – all injured and vulnerable because of what happened tonight.

Draco settles at the round table in the middle of the room; sighing in relief at getting off his feet for a little bit. (Y/N) sits next to him; her hand reaching for his across the table. An act of affection so naturally displayed that it sends Draco’s heart rate through the roof.

He regrets the fact that their date had been cut short, but with any luck, (Y/N) wouldn’t mind a repeat. He thinks to their brief conversation in the bistro and for a second, he wonders whether she would protest much to his version of wining and dining. Reservations needing to be made weeks in advance; wine lists four pages long – each bottle with multiple zeroes behind the name. He realises he would like to show her the world in which he grew up; the fancy dinners and balls, but he also accepts that he would be happy in any world as long as he’s with her.

“Are you staying with him?” (Y/N) asks; concern in her eyes.

Draco nods, “I’ll stay with him through this. Matthew will need me to help pronounce.”

(Y/N) nods, “I’ll stay with you too.”

He reaches for her hand, “Thank you.”

She squeezes once, shrugging, “One thing’s for certain, you’re not a boring date, Draco.”

“It’s about to get even more wild,” Draco drawls.

“Oh? How’s that?”

Draco points to the pile of unfinished paperwork near his locker, “We have all that to work through.”

(Y/N) fans herself, “Slow down, Romeo. Paperwork is a second date kind of thing isn’t it?”

Draco laughs loudly, “So you see a second date?”

(Y/N) beams at him; pulling a pen from her bag, “I see a second date.”

------

Two hours later, Matthew interrupts their squabble about news anchor’s to say that the young Auror’s oxygen levels have dropped. Draco stands; knowing it won’t be long now.

It isn’t. Less than ten minutes after entering the room, Draco helps Matthew pronounce the young Auror; explaining the death kit and how the nurses do it.

(Y/N) looks up when Draco re-enters the break room; the question written over her face. Draco nods; silently confirming her suspicions.

They apparate back to his place; neither of them hungry after such an extensive trauma. (Y/N) throws herself on the couch; groaning at the softness, “You know, this is the comfiest couch I have ever sat on.”

Draco laughs; picking up her legs and settling them over his as he sits down next to her, “Are you just saying that because you wore heels all night?”

(Y/N) frowns down at her bare feet; having kicked off the offending footwear the moment she landed in Draco’s flat, “That could be part of it.”

“I knew it!” Draco declares with a broad smile, “You only agreed to the date so you could lay on my couch more.”

(Y/N) stretches her limbs out, “Can you blame me? This couch is a gift from Merlin himself.”

Silence falls between the two of them; it’s not awkward – far from it. It’s the kind of silence where they both know they’re thinking over the night’s events and remembering the young Auror who passed less than two hour ago.

“You didn’t have to do that earlier, you know,” Draco whispers.

(Y/N) sits up the couch; swinging her legs around. She cuddles up to Draco, “Yeah, I did. I saw your face in there, I had to do something.”

Draco shakes his head, “It wasn’t the first time; it won’t be the last either.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t the first time?”

“I mean that it wasn’t the first time a patient has refused to be treated by me,” He sighs; heart heavy as he thinks of the early days of his career when the mark on his arm was as dark as the day it had been seared into his skin, “There are still those who have not forgiven my family for their involvement in both wizarding wars.”

(Y/N) frowns; staring up at him, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Draco shrugs, “Truthfully, it hadn’t happened in a while. Auror Flintlock was the first patient in almost a year to refuse my treatment.”

“You still should have told me.”

“I know,” He admits, “Will you forgive me?”

She clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth, “I don’t know,” She starts, “What’s in it for me?”

Draco chuckles; leaning in to her, “What would you like?”

(Y/N) takes it upon herself to connect their lips. She brushes her lips against Draco’s softly; to gauge his reaction. Draco gasps gently as the touch; unexpected but definitely not unwelcome. She pulls away; a hairsbreadth away from him, but he surges forward, reconnecting their lips in a kiss that screams pent up emotion and long-lasting love.

She lets him take control of the kiss; surrendering herself to his mouth and wandering hands as he presses her further into the couch.

They’re a mess of hands, lips, and tongue. Her hands work on the white button down he wears; unfastening the buttons and pushing it from his shoulders before running her hands down the flat expanse of his stomach.

Draco shudders at her touch; briefly wondering if whether this is what it feels like to internally combust. He’s dreamt of this for long so; sometimes waking up in the middle of the night with the taste of her in his mouth and desire lighting up his veins.

Her hands continue wander as he slows down the kiss; slowing their pace so they move together languidly. He doesn’t want to rush a thing; he wants to feel every inch of her set him on fire.

Breaking the kiss, Draco pulls her from the couch. She throws him a puzzled look as he leads her into his bedroom. Draco gives her a questioning look; searching her eyes for permission, making sure she hasn’t changed her mind since the couch. With a small smile, (Y/N) tugs Draco towards her by grabbing his belt.

He connects their lips once more, kicking the bedroom door shut behind him.

**********

Paging Healer Malfoy taglist: @sycathorn-slush @obsessedwithrandomthings @kpopgirlbtssvt @kalimagik @brycelahelalover @fallinallinmendes @mischi3f-manag3d @remmysrecs @willowbleedsonpaper @nao-cchi @haphazardhufflepuff @soundsquid27 @mytreec @maydillydally @chaoticgirl04 @pregnant-piggy @rhyxn @acciotwinz @birdie-writes @reaganwonders @chanelwonders @izzytheninja @ravenclawbitch426 @ohissandhalasta @missmulti @nebulablakemurphy @pointlesscoconut @cherrylita @harpersmariano @slytherinlovesgryffindor @falconfeather23435 @namoreno @johannalauraaa

Draco Malfoy taglist: @the--queen-of-hell @obxmxybxnk @obx-beach @sycathorn-slush @dracomalfoyswifey @kashishwrites @justmesadgirl @detroitobsessed @reaganwonders @sophia-gwendolyn @ravenclawbitch426

***if your username is in bold, I was unable to tag you.

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foryourinformationmd · 4 years ago

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Advice from a Professional Doctor, Asher Nitin.

Ignore all the portrayals of life in medical school by your pre-med lecturers. If they begin a med school narrative with, “My nephew is a doctor and he told me…,” instantly disregard it. His nephew did not tell him that. He told him much more. Those are merely the parts he wants to remember. If it isn’t a recently-graduated doctor telling you what life in med school is like, it isn’t going to be anything like what they will tell you. So what is it like instead? Grey’s anatomy? House, M.D.?

Neither. Med school is more like Scrubs and The Knick than it is like Grey’s Anatomy and House, M.D. Unlike Grey’s Anatomy, you and your fellow medical students will not be that good looking. You will not sleep with each other as much. You will not cry over your patients (you’ll have a hard time remembering their full name). And you will not monkey around with barely-tested experimental procedures. Ever. If you do, it’ll probably be the last thing you do because good-bye medical school. Unlike House, all medicine will be diagnostic. Your professors will only appear to be brilliant (it’s really just decades of specialized knowledge and experience; with their subject and with your type). Diagnosis will be algorithmic, and even that algorithm won’t be your own. But you will still get a kick out of it. Like Scrubs and The Knick, your medical school will be your life. You will eat, sleep and dream medicine. Your entire social circle will consist of your colleagues. Your family will be the one stable point in your life. You’ll date your colleagues.

Speaking of dating, your sexy does not go up when you become a doctor. I mean this practically. Theoretically, I’m told doctors are hot. I can see why. They undeniably have inherent value: social standing, (the promise of) money, proof of intelligence (actually, no) and actual power over life (more than you know). But practically speaking (especially if you’re male) your dating life will not get better as a medical student. That is because the demands of medical school will swamp you. You will come home tired. Your pool of prospective partners will mostly consist of your medical colleagues. So while your newfound status as a doctor might have value in non-medical circles, it will mean nothing because you will almost never frequent those circles. But within the circle you’re in, your status as a medical student means nothing, because so what? Everyone is one too. “But Asher!” you say, frantically gesturing at me to pause, “I’ll be smart and date outside of medical school.” No, dummy. You’ll be a dummy if you do that because…

The more friends you have outside of med school the harder it is to excel. Med school is about an ethos. You’re not just part of a course. You’re part of a community. This is now your primary identity. All your self worth are now belong with us, bi*ch. There is this neurological phenomenon seen in people trying to study. When you’re focused on something, if you break off and engage with something unrelated, your brain takes up to twenty minutes to fully refocus on the original task once you return to it. In life as well, broadly speaking, I’ve observed a similar phenomenon. I’ve known three students in med school whose circle of friends mostly lay outside of med school. One hung out with mostly dancers and choreographers. One was a socialite. One hung out with the sons of politicians. They all were (and still are as of now) the worst doctors I have ever seen. This is because they constantly take breaks from the ethos of medical life. They miss out on the rhythm of life in the world of medicine. So you should know that…

You will leave most of your old friends behind, and you won’t even mind. Of all the various professions, I’m told, physicians tend to default the most on school reunions. That is partly because they don’t have the time, but also because they don’t care. It isn’t that we become arrogant or unsocial. It is that the act of medical education deeply changes you. It makes you more functionally intelligent. It makes you less prone to fake drama. It makes you calmer in crisis. All these after-effects will permanently drive a wedge between you and many of the people you used to know. This is a surprising side-effect no one anticipates; least of all your elders. And that is an amusing paradox. They anticipate your becoming a doctor because they know medical school is elevation. They don’t realize the side effect of this elevation is you will now talk down to them.

Your most important subject in pre-med is physics. Look, pre-med isn’t really about information continuity. The organisms you will dissect in pre-med will be phylogenetically disconnected from med school. You dissect a plant stem, a plant root, an earthworm, a cockroach, a frog, and then… a human being? See? You won’t be seamlessly connecting domains of knowledge. Pre-med isn’t even about building a conceptual base. Many things you learn in pre-med biology will be repeated in so much greater detail in med school that your prior knowledge will only partially help. Pre-med is about picking up mental skills you will need. Let’s talk about those.

You need to learn to form a train of thought fast. The great thing about learning to solve problems in physics is that you learn to solve problems in general. You learn to quickly identify variables and constants. Sometimes there will be constants in the problem that would normally be variables in real life. You learn to work with those too. Physics allows you to become mentally agile with concepts. If you get fluid mechanics, you can handle the physiology of hypovolemic shock. If you get lever mechanisms (in different orders), you can handle applied anatomy in orthopedics. If you get optics, you can handle a lot of neurology and ophthalmology. In my experience, the students who have the hardest time in med school are the ones who didn’t learn to think on their feet within a fixed framework of time.

You hate memorizing? Actually, you don’t. It’s all about the context. Literally none of us salivated at the prospect of memorizing taxonomies. We hated it and struggled over it and were glad when we were done with it. That was because it was something we knew we would never use. In med school, you will do a lot of memorizing. But you will enjoy it (or at least you can, if you choose; I’m a huge nerd). Many doctors will tell you how easily drug classifications embed themselves in their brains. This is despite the fact that the latter are more complex than zoology taxonomy charts or botanical floral formulas. The difference is that your knowledge of drug classification will impact what you will say to your aunt when she confronts you over her persistent back pain over Christmas dinner (poor posture, it’s always poor posture; she sits like a potato). So you will memorize a lot. It won’t be anything like memorizing was before. Rest easy. You will find it easy to like it.

Your persona does not matter. Caring for people and being compassionate and wanting to cure disease are the least important things in medicine. You need to be able to meaningfully link vast amounts of information to come to a correct diagnosis as per established algorithms. You need to perform surgical procedures within a reasonable amount of time with a decent degree of success. All else is secondary. When most of your non-doctor relatives tell you that a doctor’s personality matters, they’re doing something called argument from ignorance. You see, the world of medicine is so big and so complex that most of it is technically incomprehensible to the general public. So they latch on to the few aspects of a doctor’s life they are mentally capable of understanding (and commenting upon; remember their first reaction to meeting someone with an education superior to theirs is to give them tips). So they will talk about a doctor’s personality because it is the only part they can presume to have some expertise on. Even that they do not. Don’t ever do stupid things like falling in love with your patients or building deep and personal relationships with your patients. You will never last in medicine. This is not because the emotional trauma of losing them will wreck you. This is because you will go bankrupt fighting lawsuits accusing you of patient preference. You will feel the pressure in the things non-doctors will say behind a good doctors back. “He’s so boring at parties, he can only talk work stuff.” If that is your destiny, so be it. Own it. They find you boring? So what? You were not put on this earth to entertain the illiterate at parties. You were sent here to be a lifesaver; not to have a personality that appeals to the lowest common denominator.

I’m telling you it does not matter. The practice of medicine is life on the edge of reality. All personalities are welcome because medical school is a personality in itself.

The materialists among us are taught the value of wisdom and the ascetics among us learn to knot a Double-Windsor.

The atheists among us will pray frantically and the religious among us will find no time for church on Sunday.

The loudmouthed learn to whisper in the NICU and the soft-spoken learn to yell, “Stat!” in the ER.

The type-A personalities among us learn to break the news of a patient’s passing to his relatives and the type-B personalities among us learn to argue medico-legal cases.

The clumsy among us learn to suture wounds and the nimble learn to administer CPR.

Materialists. Ascetics. Atheists. Theists. Loudmouthed. Soft-spoken. Type-A. Type-B. Clumsy. Nimble.

In medical school, we all meet in the middle.

PS: Photo not mine. Credits to the rightfully owner.

#advicedoctor #medtech #premed #FYIMed

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casey-v · 4 years ago

Text

Trauma

Ethan x Casey

Here’s a one shot of chapter 13. The scene in the on call room didn’t feel like fluff, so this is mostly drama. This time it’s only Casey’s POV because for me it was too difficult to find out what was going on in Ethan’s head.

Disclaimer: characters owned by PB

Words: 2,3K

Casey stared at the door of the on call room that had just been slammed in her face. Hoping Ethan would come back, she just sat there and waited, not really able to capture what had just happened. But, of course, he didn't reappear. So, she left frustrated and wandered through the halls of Edenbrook, deeply immersed in her thoughts.

Why was fate messing with her like this? They had just started a wonderful relationship in which Ethan had finally opened up to her. Since Danny’s funeral, she had spent three nights at his apartment and every second of it was pure bliss. Being alone, outside the hospital, he was so relaxed and happy, it made her heart melt. Sometimes they had a wordless understanding that was amazing. When he was relaxed it was so easy to talk to him about nearly everything and they laughed together endlessly. And of course, they had......mmmmmh…..God, he felt so great.

And now a few minutes with his mother seemed to have ruined everything. That man in the on call room was a stranger to her. No, in fact, it reminded her of the Dr. Ramsey in the days of her early internship, when he was sometimes acting like a jerk and being rude and moody. She had thought that this man was long gone. But unfortunately, the encounter today brought him back and all the walls around him were back up again.

Her feet had brought her to a certain office door. She didn’t know that this was, what she needed, until she was there. She hesitated and knocked. “Come in,” a friendly voice was heard from inside the office. When Casey opened the door, she saw Naveen’s face brighten up. Instantly she felt a little better. There was just something about him, that lifted your spirits. He was always good humored and positive, even last year, on his supposed deathbed. Ever since, they had a special bond and although they didn’t meet a lot, they were very fond of each other.

“Casey! So, rumors are true. You didn’t stay at home like I told you. But it’s good to see you.” He came over and hugged her.

“Good to see you too, Naveen. My landlord needed medical help this morning, so I brought him here and then I just stayed. It’s so boring at home and I like to keep myself distracted.” She smiled at him, trying to hide her current state. But he knew her to well.

“Well, if I may say it, you don’t look too good. Are you sure, this isn’t too soon?” He took her gently by her arm and led her to the couch to sit down. “Oh, it’s not work that is bothering me right now” She couldn’t keep her eyes from getting wet. Naveen sighed and rolled his eyes. “What has he done now?”

Through her tears she laughed. “Why do you think this is about Ethan?” Naveen had a sparkle in his eyes. “I know you and, most importantly, I know him, so this was easy to figure out. What happened?”

Casey’s expression darkened. “How much has he told you about his family background?” “A lot, I guess. Are you referring to his mom leaving?” She nodded and just spilled the whole story.

“She’s here. Came in this morning as a patient, unconscious on an opioid overdose. Ethan and I were in the ER at that moment. He was shocked. We gave her naloxone, then he just said something like ‘Nurse, take care of her’ and ran off. I found him later in an on call room, yelling angrily. He wouldn’t let me talk to him, just slammed the door in my face and left.” Naveen had listened closely, his gaze concerned. “I’m so sorry, Casey. I know he can be difficult at times. Ethan has this anger buried deep down inside of him, ever since his mother left him. Growing up with his father he never learnt to express his feelings or even worse, he never allowed himself feelings. He thinks he needs to be tough all the time. And then, when all those bad memories come rolling over him, he can’t deal with it.”

Casey thought a long moment about these words. Of course, it was perfectly clear, that Ethan had trouble talking about his feelings. But the last days had proven that he damn well was able to show his affection for her. “The thing is: Since my night in isolation a lot has changed between us.”

Casey blushed and didn’t dare to say more, but Naveen smiled and put his warm hand on hers. “You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything. Even if I’m chief of medicine I’m also your friend and you know that I always wanted to see the two of you together. Ethan has changed so much since you came here and I’m really happy for you. He almost lost his mind that night of the assault.”

“It was terrible for all of us, but for what it’s worth it also brought us even closer together. Despite all the aftermath of the attack the past days have been great. Today though, it feels that all of this has vanished.”

“It’s a lot to ask from you in your current condition, Casey, but he needs you right now. He probably hasn’t said it yet, but I can see that he loves you with all his heart. Please don’t give up on him.” Naveen squeezed Casey’s hand tightly.

“I won’t, I couldn’t. But the question is: will he let me help him?””

***

Later Casey went to check on Louise. She was stable but not yet in a good condition. Talking to her felt odd, so she kept the conversation short. “Mrs. Ramsey, do you want me to call anybody?” It took Louise some time to answer. “I suppose you could call my ex-husband, Alan Ramsey. He lives in Providence, though.” “Sure, I’ll try to reach him. Ahm, a psychologist will stop by later. And if there is anything else you need, just tell the nurses.”

***

The rest of the day Casey tried to avoid meeting Ethan, but talking to Naveen had given her confidence, that everything would work out for the best. She didn’t want to confront the attending during working hours, so she planned to talk to him at night. The more she thought about it, the more she realized, that she may have overreacted after his outburst and that he probably would be much better by now anyway. How wrong she was became obvious the moment she stepped out of the elevator and saw Ethan and Alan standing in the hallway, involved in a heated discussion. “That’s all there is to say, dad. And now I have work to do.” Ethan’s face was red with rage. As he turned around to enter his office, he directly looked at Casey. “Dr. Valentine, in my office now.”

At first Casey was too shocked to move. Alan took some steps backwards, deeply embarrassed by his son’s behavior. “Hello Mr. Ramsey,” was all Casey could muster before she followed Ethan.

The door wasn’t even closed behind her when he was at her. “How dare you call my dad!”

“Excuse me! How dare you talk to me like this. This has nothing to do with you. Louise asked me to call him and that’s what I did. That’s how we take care of our patients. You taught me, that every patient is worth any treatment. How can you deny her visitors?” Ethan was silenced for a moment and rubbed his neck. He seemed to calm down a little. “You could have asked me to call him or at least warn me.” In contrast to him, Casey was just getting heated up. “Really? After your outburst this morning? You said, you had more important patients and didn’t want to deal with her. Get a grip, Ethan, you’re being totally unreasonable. You say she’s nothing but a stranger to you, but never on earth would a stranger affect you the way she does. You tell me not to run away from my PTSD while you've been carrying around your own trauma for 26 years. This has to stop now!”

Ethan was pacing up and down, yelling back at her. “Don’t you think I know that. Do you think I like what she’s doing to me? But I will never forgive that she left, just like that, without a word, not caring about me anymore.”

Casey inhaled deeply to get her voice under control. “You don’t have to forgive her; you just have to understand what happened. Now is the chance for closure. Talk to her. Not for her sake but for your own. Hear her story. You need to hear the reason for her leaving. It's not your fault that she left and probably also not your father’s fault either. Maybe she already had mental health problems back then, who knows. Everybody is a victim here. Maybe she just couldn't stand herself, couldn’t handle her life. That doesn't mean that she didn't love you. If you don't talk to her now, you'll maybe never get another chance.”

Ethan was sitting on the couch now, his face in his hands and mumbled. “Ok, I’ll think about it.” Then he glanced back at Casey, forcing a smile. “Do you want me to cook dinner tonight?”

She shook her head frustrated, her arms dangling loose by her sides. “That`s it? You just change the subject? I don’t believe it. No, I don’t want to be with you tonight. This day has been exhausting enough, I need to relax, watch a senseless movie, go to bed early, whatever.” She turned around and opened the door to leave when she heard his tight voice. “Only tonight?”

As she glimpsed back at him over her shoulder, she felt so sorry for him how he sat there, slumped down, observing her insecurely. In the past they had argued a lot about work related issues and she always stood her ground, but so far, she had never stood up for herself when it came to their personal relationship. Being patient and accepting his wishes was all she had ever done. But for once, she knew, she had to put herself first, although the urge to take him in her arms was almost unbearable.

“For someone so intelligent you can be so stupid sometimes. Of course, only tonight. Do you really think I’ve been waiting all this time only to run away after the first argument? I couldn’t, even if I wanted to, because the problem is, I love you, however bad you treat me. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. You're not the only one who is able to slam some doors. “

With that she turned and slammed the door as predicted. She knew this was a bit ridiculous, but it felt really good. Only then did she realize what she had just said to him. Her hand flew over her mouth. That's not at all how she imagined saying those three words for the first time. She lingered a while in front of his door, unsure what to do, before she went home.

***

Instead of watching a movie Casey ended up playing video games with Elijah. Killing dark creatures helped her let off some steam and she enjoyed spending time with Elijah. They had just freed themselves out of a dungeon when her phone rang. There was only one person who would call her at that hour.

“Sorry Elijah, I have to take this.” She grabbed her phone and went into her room.

“Hey!” – “Casey!?” Ethan’s desperate voice made her cringe. “Can I come up?” – “Where are you?” – “Right outside.” A few seconds there was silence. Casey had told him, that she wanted to be alone, but it meant so much to her, that he came to her.

“What do you want?”

“To be with you.”

A single tear rolled down her cheek. “Ok, I’ll open the door for you.”

As he entered the apartment, she quickly pulled him past the grinning Elijah into her room and immediately found herself tightly wrapped in Ethan’s embrace. She smelled a mixture of his cologne and scotch. They clung to each other as if they had to shield themselves against a heavy storm. Casey felt his tears running down her neck. Soothingly her hand travelled up and down his spine. An eternity later he loosened his grip and touched her forehead with his.

“I’m so sorry, Casey. What kind of asshole pushes away the one person, that is always there no matter what?”

She lifted her hand and touched his cheek very softly. “Come on, let’s just go to bed.” Quietly they got undressed and crawled into the covers, her back against his chest, arms wrapped, fingers laced. Words weren’t necessary right now, the only thing they needed was to feel the presence of the other one.

As Casey was half asleep already, she felt Ethan’s whisper against her ear. “If I …, I don’t know yet, but just in case, …I mean …if I talk to her, would you come with me?”

“Is this a rhetorical question or are you really unsure of my answer?” She turned to look at him, their noses almost touching, and waited. He seemed to weigh his answer before he spoke again. “You know I’d hate to presume anything.”

Casey moved closer to put a sweet kiss on his lips. Then she sent him a warm smile and lost herself in his blue eyes, only lit by the moonlight.

“Regarding me and you, Ethan, you always can presume.”

------------------

Thanks for reading. Please comment and share if you liked it.

Tag list:

@queencarb @utterlyinevitable @schnitzelbutterfingers @nerdydinosaursweets @eramsey28 @mrsdrakewalkerblog @starrystarrytrouble @maurine07 @princessfuzzy12 @kenzierookie @binny1985 @adrex04 @choicesficwriterscreations

#open heart #playchoices #ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #casey valentine #ethan jonah ramsey #open heart 2 #2.13 #my writing

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fiore-rosewood9 · 4 years ago

Note

14 and 23?

Thank you for the ask kind tumbrl-er. Before I start I would like to mention that anything I say is related to personal experiences in a fandom and there is no right or wrong answer. People come in all shapes and sizes and that also means - Different sets of experience.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of slurs, r*pe, p*dophilia, creepy behavior, mentions of psychological analysis on a character, personal experiences with fandoms and a long rant. If any of these disturb you, please refrain from reading this and skip this post. This is not meant to cause drama, but I had to involve them to explain my point. I also mention sensitive topics like the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, 9/11 and the r*pe of Nanking, if you are related to any of these or have someone you know who died during this time, please refrain from reading, because I was extremely emotional and cried a bit while I wrote these, because what I wrote still has an effect on me.

Again, this is not meant to bash/hate on any ship mentioned here.

This is not meant as a personal attack for anyone who ships these. Also this may be a rant, I apologize for writing a whole novel and not a short answer, but I feel passionate about what I write here. This is going to be a really long post, so I do not blame you if you don't read all of it. I am going to mention a lot of things that are not related to the ships, but they do have significance in my mind and are related to my rant. With that out of the way, my answer is under the cut -

14 - Has a fanbase ever made you ship or not ship something? Why?

Yeah, I have been forced and threatened to ship certain things, via texts which made me leave certain fandoms. Hetalia is a cespool simply because I have been in it 8-9 years and can speak confidently about what happened to me. I thought the hate and immature fans in hetalia all left by the time it was 2016-17 but nope, there are still bad apples here and there. I just try to tell them I am not here for childish games and I am not here to debate which ship is the ''best'' since that is what certain people did all the way back in 2013. I am here just to enjoy my self and reblog fan art and headcanons and talk about hetalia and other fandoms and appreciate the manga/anime.

- Ciel x Sebastien (Sebastien is just there for Ciel's soul) I mean he does care for him in some aspect and I think he said something like - "I will always be with you til the day you die, my lord". There is a normal age gap between adults, and then there is lowkey p*dophilia. How old was Ciel anyway ? 12-13? Even though he is a teen, at this age people are not really mature in many aspects. I have collegues who have what you may call ''Sugar daddies'' in the west and let me tell you, they don't really act nice to their sugar babies. Unless it is some sort of consensual sex roleplay and you are living in a fantasy with your partner, most girls and boys I see feel ''trapped'' by their words.

The sugar daddy (In rare cases mummy) exploites them for attention and tends to lash out if the baby looks at their phone and doesn't pay 100 percent attention to them and tries to buy their attention which is simply wrong. Okay, I moved way offtopic, but certain ships kinda remind me of this unhealthy dynamic in a way. I know my opinion isn't worth shit since this is the internet and everyone thinks they're the next new hot thing around here but I just see them as servent and master and more like frenemies where Sebastien would do anything for Ciel, but you see, that is kinda his job. Just like how doctors act professional and it is their job to cure/heal you if you have some sort of pain.

- Izuku Midoriya x Bakugou Katuski - (I was in this fandom for a short time and only watched up to a certain season so please excuse me if I what I say is not accurate, this is also a long rant so you can skip if you want, in the last two paragraphs I explain about the pairing speciffically) So like from what I remember Katsuki is a bully. I really despise this ship, purely because bullying to me is not something cutesy and fun that people do. It makes you wish you kill your self faster because self harm no longer works. There was this weird person on tumbrl that sent me hate through tumbrl and I made a post about them, how I was a ''bad person'' for hating on this ship. I mean, I am allowed to dislike and even hate what I want. It is not you who has went through trauma and has CPTSD is it? In my high school, even though it was an economical one, except learning Economics, Accounting, Finances and other stuff I also got to learn things like Psychology, Ethics, History and Geography.

And each subject is tough, as in - You can't pass high school if you don't know the details. Except the book that we used in school that we learnt our lessons from, we were also made to carry two other books that we used for exercises, and other than that we had books that were by different authors, we had to read, but they didn't lift our grade in any way. So I have learnt psychology and world history for 4 years in high school and I learnt world history and world geography for 3 years in middle school. And now the first year in Uni, I got to learn psychology for year too. They also made us buy 9-10 books by different psychologists and write about them. From what I hear from my americans friends and collegues, they kinda don't teach you world history, it is like unless you know all of Thomas Jefferson's favourite foods you will be failed. I don't know if this is true, but judging by how they teach what Communism and Socialism is, in the american schools, I am kinda losing hope for what americans actually know about the outside world, aka, anything that is not the US and Canada.

I am not a psychologist and I have never studied to be one, but my own problems and the problems of my family and friends made me start reading even before high school in order to self improve as a human being because I have - Fatal flaws. I also have a few mental illnesses whcih have been diagnosed by psychiatrists, but where I live, mental health and the lgbtq+ is extremely shamed. This is why I never tell anyone I go to a psychologist, because people don't understand you and laugh at you and shame you. The lgbtq is harassed and can't marry or adopt children, however, this somehow is not a hatecrime. Which extremely frustrates me since this is against human rights in my book. You can't just harass a person for their sexuality. I may not have a phd in psychology but I naturally tend to help people and listen to their problems. It seems that I also give good advice and help people well, so sometimes in friend groups I am know as the ''heart'' and the ''psychologist''. I say that because I know a lot more than 4-5 articles that I read on psychology today, healthline or verywellmind, while people nowdays read a few articles and call them selves a psychologist. I am not one, but have the skills and knowledge to be one and can spot articles with old outdated information that hasn't been relevant in the past 30 years or so.

But that is the majority of people, who concider it a mental illness and base the lgbtq on what stereotypes they see on TV and what their parents told them. The internet is made for global use and that means that anyone can write all kinds of shit and use it. However there are a lot of problems with this when it comes to psychology and psychologists and psychriatrists. Many people still believe myths and things that were proven to be wrong. For example, in my country the word - Autist/Autistic, can be used as a slur, it is similar to what the Americans have in the - N and R words. And this is extremely upsetting, because while I am not on the spectrum, I don't think anyone should be degraded and be shamed of this label. Autism is a spectrum, but here it is used to signify that someone is slow. They're not slow, their brain just works differently. But that can be used for other illneses too. I think anyone suffering from mental illness deserves the support of family and friends and a normal life. I think anyone who is a decent and kind human being deserves a peaceful life.

So in real life Bakugou x Izuku would be a crap pairing. Because bullies x their victims do not mix well. Bullies in real life are cowards. They're like predators in the jungle. They are not real leaders. They always settle for someone who is clearly weak and vulnerable (This case - Izuku has no quirks and is useless in their world) so being beaten up, emotionally and verbally bullied isn't really fun. On top of that, when a bully develops an unhealthy dynamic, other people of the group, who never oroginally bullied the victim and were neutral or even friends, go and bully the victim, because they can and they will. Usually victims are powerless and telling the teacher and sometimes beating up the bully doesn't really make the bully leave you alone and respect you. And sometimes, you end up in the hospital with a broken leg and an arm and small injuries in your chest because bullies can't handle anyone standing up to them and ruining their status. Bullies have extreme, neurotic fear of being alone, so they find other assholes and bitches like them and attack always people - Who never did anything to them to insult them.

The bullies create it them selves. No one is an easy victim, not the person who wears glasses, not the anorexic girl that sits on the first desk, not the boy in a wheel chair, not the man with a stutter, not the woman covered in scars, no one. It is also a fact that schools profit from bullies since bullies usually have rich parents that think their child is somr sort of angel when in reality their child loves to make others cry and hits them when they don't get what they want. The problem with bullies is that they are hard to stop. Sometimes telling them off works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes punching them works, sometimes it doesn't. Etc. We can't predict which bully is bluffing and which bully is serious and will beat you up. They do not realize or care that they hurt their victims, even if the victim becomes a millionaire, to them, this person will always be inferior weakling that they need to torture psychologically and make them cry. They're sadistic. Bakugou from what I remember became jealous and only stopped bullying Izuku when he became ''strong'' that means strong physically. And for boys, it is generally easier, you hit the gym and no one bullies you. But what if you are a girl? I don't see girls being more respected or feared for being muscular. It is kinda like the jock x nerd. Cute in theory, but in reality it is beyond abusive. Even if the victims kill them selves bullies do not care. They just move on to another victim and are proud that they broke someone and are not as weak as them.

America x England - (OOOOH BOY, HOW MUCH DO I WANT TO BE CANCELED, HAHA) Well, as someone who has been 9 years in this fandom, I have a long history with this pairing. I do not know if I ever explained why do I hate it so much? I have a long and complicated history with it. This where my inner historian comes in. My uncle is a professor in history, but not in our city and we are not very close but I was always interested in history, but now I am a bit skeptical when it comes to history, because you never know how someone can twist it since history is written by the winners. Whatever I say in this post, is not meant to cause drama or offend anyone. From now on I am going to use, vulgar language and this may not be suitable for some readers

This is not meant to be hateful towards people who ship it, but I hate this ship, with passion. This has to be the worst ship, in the fandom history, ever. If you want, feel free to block me if that triggers you. I don't know from where to begin, since I am going to get canceled if I speak my own personal truth and my experiences. I have read the manga when I was 13-14 and have matured since then. The hetalia fandom in the past was more different than in 2021. So like there were ship wars, fan arts, roleplaying, everyone cosplayed hetalia and homestuck since they were the biggest fandoms, Carley Rae Japsean's song Call me maybe was blasting on the radio, Gagnam style was the shit and life was good. I was young, naive, full of hope and looking for fandoms to join in, since it is was a relativly new concept for me. I did not know what these cutesy boys I saw on deviant art were so I decided to scroll down through the comments to see what it was, and I read the name - Hetalia. If you then pay me one million dollars/euro and tell me that Hetalia is going to be my favourite anime and the fandom I stay the longest in - I would have rejected the money and not believe you. Pshht, Hetalia? What does this anime about personification of countries has that the other animes don't? Well, to that question, I can't answer and still ask my self.

When I first came into the fandom I only knew about it from deviant art and from a site called - Shamchat. This site no longer exists and has a site specifically made to fill the hole of it. I roleplayed and I think my happiest years in the fandom were 2013-2015. Those were the years where I met really, really kind fans. It is like everything else went downhill and the kind and sweet fans left one by one. And I was just left with hateful immature tweens and teens who only cared about their OTP and didn't care about other fans's emotions. I apologize if this sounds like a pitful story and I am pitying me, I did not mean it to sound it this way, or as a whining. I do not like whining.

They also seem strangely neurotic if you ask them why they ship UsUk. I can perfectly tell you why I ship anything without being mean. They just straight up insult you and send you passive agressive smileys - : ) - like this and never explain why they insult you, they just curse you. I do not understand why you make America to be the top? When he is clearly a power bottom?????? I mean, if you ever look through canon manga England and him as a country in a history book you wouldn't think he is a ''uke'' (I really hate the little girls who use japanese and think they kniw the language just cause they watched the anime and think they're quirky if they saw kawaii out loud). In fanfiction he is not fleshed out, he always seemed to blush and say baka and be a boring character over all. While Alfred is this dumb himbo/bimbo character that can't put 2+2 and laughs at everything like a small child. He is 19, for fuck's sake.

He is still a child and people can mature up until 25-26. But these ages are not real ages. For example Germany is 20, even though Bismarck unites Germany in....1871 if I remember correctly? Don't quote me on that and the americans have freed them selves in 1776. So technically Germany as we know it, should be younger but isn't. And they're both still awkward babies. America doesn't have a concrete religion but from what I know, Christianity seems to the most popular religion there as for now. I don't know if Alfred (Even though he is fictional) would identify as a catholic, protestant, puritan or some other stuff but he is awkward, he has a boyish charm that Ludwig does not have. So I can't imagine these good bois being tops with experience. Usually tops/doms come with lots of experience behind their back, or at least this is what people say whom I know who are also part of the lgbtq and bdsm community. Alfred just doesn't have the vibe of a top, he is more of a switch to me, or at best a power bottom. Ludwig has a dom/top vibes but he is extremely awkward in all senses of the word. America doesn't have a concrete religion but from what I know, Christianity seems to the most popular religion there as for now. I don't know if Alfred (Even though he is fictional) would identify as a catholic, protestant, puritan or some other stuff but he is awkward, he has a boyish charm that Ludwig does not have.

So UsUk was forced down my throat ever since I can remember, I have been insulted, threatened and took 2-3 hiatuses purely due to bullying. I Really HATE, HATE, HATE - feminine Arthur. I do not know why this is the fandom's fetish, or at least used to be even though some fans still draw him that way. I really love art, I used to draw and still do. I went to classes through out almost all of my life and I know my proportions. Whether you look through normal fan art or hentai manga (Arthur has the most porn idk how or why) he always has these weird proportions.....of a malnorished tween girl. There is some porn of him either as a child (A toddler by the judgement of his body) or of Alfred as a child, and they fuck. How is this supposed to be hot for anybody? I also remember (Which is why I left amino) on amino that users were extremely childish and lied about their age. Like no, you're not 17 and a half and are ''too mature for your age'' you are 17 and that still is a minor in my book. Also in one of the translated hentai comics there is this...idk how to describe it, there is this shaving scene where Alfred becomes a man and has his first boner from what I remember, the artstyle is great, but the scene can be described a child grooming. England lies to America how boners are a horrible disease and it can only be cured if he stays next to him. He then goes to France who tells him that boners are healthy and normal at this age and is upset at England for lying to him. Then when he frees him self America smiles, laughs and pisses on top of England I think he later fucks him. Like people can try to force their weak argument over england being a uke somehow now, but Pirate England is a top, how in the hell would anyone think he is a bottom?

UsUkers also love weird fetishes and force them down your throat, and not only shame you when you don't ship the ship, they shame you when you don't have their fetish. So like people go to my dms and ask me if I want to MPREG with Arthur beign the ''woman'' in the relationships, and golden showers. I also remember leaders acting unprofessionaly towards me. Some user was sending me child porn and when I told one of the leaders they just told me it was my problem and to fuck off. It deeply upset me so I took a hiatus and when I returned I was just met with another shit wave. I think I left last year because some girl was harassing me and constantly wanted attention. I told her to leave me alone since I have lectures and can't speak to her right now and she told her friend I was ''mean'' to her and her friend started insulting me in every comment on every posted I posted, be it fan art or fanfiction I wrote. Also they can't roleplay properly. I feel like I am in 4th grade where children used to insult each other. Like what stupid (probably american white girl) thing going to tell me this time ? Hmmmm option A - Alfred says that Arthur has horrible teeth, option B - Alfred says that Arthur has horrible cooking, option C - asks for sex and wants to impregnate him even though they are both males, it seems to be quite jokes among them. I get that americans want to see their country as this buff, strong, brave, macho type, but real people have strengths and flaws. In my opinion no country is dumb, they all look after their personal interest and empires love to exploit others, it is just how it is. They basically use english stereotypes and call it a day.

Before leaving I went to another ''better'' amino where I blocked one of the leaders. I don't remember if their name was Alfie or something else but it was something like that. And another leader asked me to unblock her, mind you. I was hesitant but I did. I usually do not block people unless they share content that causes negative reaction out of me - panic attack/rise in adrenaline/shaking/desire to puke/anxiety/etc or they have been a total asshole/bitch to me in the past. So I don't have the screenshots, since I changed my phone a few months ago. I used a Lenovo one and now I have an old huawei I used to have since we don't have money for a new one. So I saved the screenshots where they started saying how Francis is a rapist and I thought we passed this phase. I told the original leader and they all seem to not speak english well but she told me that this leader thought I was mean. I mean...she joked about rape, am I supposed to text - XD LMAO YEAH THE R WORD IS FUCKING FUN, YEAH DUDE YEAH! XD LOL LMAO. From what I see, if I have explain his behavior, he just has a high libido, which is nothing to be ashamed about.

There are also different types of attraction - Aesthetic, Romantic, Sexual. And he appreciates anything beautiful. He also says that ''You can't force love on anyone'' and is generally a really sweet guy. Also from what I see he copes with his loneliness by having casual sex while Arthur copes by abusing alcohol. People cope with loneliness in different ways, for him LOVE is important and he craves intimacy. He is suggestive and says sex jokes which is relateable. He also has moments of walking around naked, and while that may be perverted, far more people have done more perverted things than him. Also Greece and Turkey have a lot more sex than France has ever had. I don't know if it is canon or fanon but I read somewhere that Greece loves sex without a condom since it excites him. France is perverted but so are many other people, if a person is assertive towards such personality he will respect the other person's wishes and not force the issue, because he understands the concept of boundaries. It seems that some fans are either too young or too stupid to understand what is common sense and boundaries. Some couples in real life suffer from mismatch in their libido which is why they go to a couple therapist and ask how they can revive their sex life.

He is not a creep. I have met old men stalking me around after school and I have had a guy at a bar putting something in my drink not knowing that I saw everything so I just left. Real creeps do not understand the concept of boundaries and the fact that people are not their sexual slaves, they crave power and dominance and love ruining people's lives, it doesn't matter who their target it, as long as they are depressed and on their knees crying and shaking in pain and fear. So yeah, rape is not something to laugh at but it seems the shitty girls that got into hetalia think it is peak comedy. With Antonio it is different, I do not like throwing the term - P*dophile around because that is a harsh accusiation but from what I remember from manga...didn't he try to steal North Italy who was a child...to marry him? He never wanted South Italy but got used to him at some point, so I am sorry for ruining all of the Spamano shippers's fantasies. He also raised him. Which brings me to the second point.

England raised America. Period. It is canon, it is in the manga, he found him as a child. England loves America because he is the first thing that did not hate him, for him. Europe in the past hated England, this is why France jokes that he is the - black sheep of Europe. He was abused by his brothers, especially Scotland and threw things at him and chased him away. Scotland is not only an abusive alcoholic though. He is more complex and loves his brother in his own way but historically England was not kind at all to Scotland. So these people were telling me that I am a wh*re because I don't ship their precious UsUk? Well guess what honey, England isn't a useless girly bottom, America is neither a top, nor a dumb guy and England most likely changed his diapers. Also why would America blow his revolution if he wanted to be free? I mean England taxed the hell out of him and was a bit of a narcissitic asshole, so why shouldn't America want to be free from tyrany?

Also for people who bring the - BUT FIORE, ENGLAND KILLED JEANNE'DARC SO THAT MEANS FRANCE SHOULD HATE HIM, YOU'RE A HYPOCRITE! - well hun, France held a grudge for centuries until he got even by helping America with Spain and Prussia to free him self from England's grasp. America was the only thing that didn't hate him because he didn't know him. He was an alone child and he finally had someone to take care of him and listen to him talk, that wasn't a human, that didn't die (Davie) and England is an introvert but he has many issues which is why to him the loss of America hurt so much. Because everyone else hated him, or at least in his mind it looked that way. Portugal was always his friend and in a rare case lover and France had a love/friend/hate relationship with him. People can make the argument that France took care of him but France was probably around 12 in human years and England looks to be around 10 when he wore that blue dress of his and when England had a bow and green cloak and shaggy long blonde hair. France still cuts off his hair to this day. While England was in his late teens 17-8 when he found America who was clearly around 5-6. Their pairing doesn't make sense from a psychological point. So I would love to not have any usuk shit in my feed. I have enough abusive people in my life who treat me like a punching bag, I don't need to get upset online too.

Alfred looks 5-6 years of age and believe it or not some children piss them selves even to the age of 10. Some have medical problems but that is not an issue for now. I have been a nanny. I have taken care of children of all ages, and they're telling me? That I should ship a ship where some guy changed another's diapers but the other guy grew up too quickly and now they are dating? IN WHAT WORLD, I REPEAT IN WHAT WORLD?Does that mean I should feel some sort of sexual attraction and would like to bang children I took care of, because they went to the gym and have what society conciders the perfect body? I guess in their mind I should. In reality somewhat every country is related to hetalia so the boundary between what is incest or not is vague. But even when usukers bring the - BUT THEY ARE NOT BLOOD RELATED? - so what, incest is still taboo and some say that since they don't have blood relation it is not incest, but this is why stepbro/sis memes are so prevelent. Since it is a taboo and taboos get some people excited sexually. Whether they are blood related or not is out of the question, Arthur did take care of him as a child.

This is not meant to cause the old FRUK VS USUK wars, but in my experience USUK fans are extremely harsh and cold, at least to anyone who doesn't ship their precious ship. It is like they can't stand anyone who simply objectivly says - I do not like this ship. Bruv, do you know how many other ships I don't like in other fandoms, and no one has given me shit or threatened to hack my computer and send people to beat me up, simply because I DON'T SHIP USUK? maaaan-Let's not forget that these hypocrites also spread lies and said that ''Himaruya said that UsUk is canon'' and there was this black and white fan art that rolled around Twitter, Facebook and other social media for a while and people believe it. I think Hetafacts or some other youtuber debunked that it was nothing but a pure lie. It should not matter what ship is canon, what should matter more is fans being civil and kind to another but no, let's insult other pairings and make people hate ships they didn't originally hate just because.

Here is another ship I don't like - Russia x China. Also another ship - Russia x Prussia, also another ship Russia x Lithuania, or Russia (Romantically) x Latvia, or Prussia x Liechtenstein (Romantically). I even met one person who shipped Sealand x England lol or England x Seychelles x France or Belarus x Liechtenstein (Romantically) I dislike all of these ships. Do you see the word hate anywhere? No, because I don't hate them? Do you know why? Well no one told me - ''I hope you die raped in shit'' and told me that I am ''r*tarded'' in my comment section on youtube because I said that I do not care about certain ships. You see I used to feel this way about UsUk too. It was meh, I don't care, I see them as father and son, because England literally raised him. Also England is proven to be a horrible neglectful father and a workholic and alcholic. This is the reason why Sealand is taken care of by Sweden and Finland.

I always saw him this way so I don't know how the new fandom just started seeing him as the gremlin that he is when he was always a fucking old grandpa gremlin, not a soft uwu useless femboy that loves sex and screams BAKA every 3 seconds and blushes for no apperent reason whatsoever. I have many things that I don't ship. For example I feel conflicted towards pairings like - China x Japan or Japan x America because the r*pe of nanking is a thing and Japan denies and while Japan may have attacked America, americans kinda rationalize the two bombs and laugh at it while if anyone mentions 9/11 they freak out. So they can joke about other countries's misfortune but if it theirs - NO,NO,NO! I think global issues should be adressed in hetalia and people should make vent/rant art. If you are an indigenous person and a white guy comes to you and asks why you wear normal clothes and he says that indigenous people only wear feathers and all, this is why we need to speak to children about racism. Or being told that being latino/a makes you ''Inferior'' somehow (IT DOESN'T), or you're black and you get told by a white person how you should go back to your home land ''with the bananas''. I can joke about my own country's problems but it feels extremely offensive if the country that did the crime (R*pe, destruction of religious monuments, statues of popular poets from my country, more r*pe, stealing boys and babies and forcing other religion on them so they can kill and r*pe their own mothers and sisters. )I do not blame their descendents for what their grandpas did to us, what I can't stand is the superiority complex they have and how they insult this country and speak in their own language like we don't understand them and pretend like nothing happened, which is why I hate a certain hetalia country with passion.

It really sucks how due to Covid the hate against asians has risen, I heard from my favourite youtubers how certain people harassed them and hurt them for ''spreading covid'' or something. Well this just horrible and we really need to re-think how we treat people who were not at fault for a fucking global pandemic. I don't know where Yao Wang would stand, since he is a fictional country but unless somebody projects their homophobia and xenophobia through roleplay or art and send me hate art, I don't really care who they are as long as their are respectful. I can't stand usuk, and I can't stand the fans. I try to block every account that has this content which sucks ass since they look like cool people but no, it has to be fucking ew ugh usuk they draw. I sometimes feel like a bitch for blocking them since they're not the same fans that have insulted, threatened and harassed me but I would like to not blow my chances and risk ever talking to them. If you want to, you can call me a hater, a basher or anything, I don't care.

In a way everyone in hetalia is related but lets say that I do not have concrete hate over this ship but the serial bullying I received from fans over the years. Which is why I ship things like Seychelles x Iceland or Hong Kong x Iceland and I can't choose. Usually when UsUk fans ''defend'' their ship they have two arguments - It is cute and - the revolutinary war and how much england missed him. Two people may look cute together but would their emotional maturity and personalities match? These are important questions, which is why for me Gerita personalitywise, matches but the emotional maturity gap is way too much. For UsUk America lacks basic emotional maturity, raises his tone, cuts off people when they speak, weird obsession about being a hero and a tiny bit of narcissism here and there, he overly trusts him self which can cause as much problems as someone who doubts them selves. England is in another place mentally is honestly much better off with anyone else that is not America or Canada. Portugal, Spain, France, Russia, Japan,etc. America also has more developed friendships with countries like Russia, France, Siciliy and probably Japan and Vietnam. I think he can date Lithuania for me their dynamic is so wholesome and pure and everything click together. Russia also works but some people are put off by it due to the cold war. RusAme/UkFr is much more than just love/hate relationship, I don't know why people have the impression that they constantly fight and make up. Normal couples don't do that. Whether it is incest or not it is debatealbe. I have seen dynamics like theirs and let tell you that these people always ended up divorced.

I will share some quotes from people on different social medias I have found that describe it better than me -

Quote number 1 - from fanpop

"USUK is actually one of my most hated anime pairings followed by Spamano a few places behind for the same reason. The thought of raising a child as a son/brother only to bang him when he's older is nothing but disgusting and makes England seem like a pedophile for "falling in love" with the child he adopted and raised. I honestly can't understand why so many people insist that America and England aren't brothers and that the pairing isn't incest when Himaruya, the anime director and characters in Hetalia have confirmed that America and England are indeed brothers. Some USUK fans claim that America's independence makes them non-siblings. That's just ridiculous. Even if America would say "I don't want to be your brother anymore" directly to England, it still won't make any difference and it certainly doesn't change the fact that America was adopted and raised by England. If the USUK fans want to ship this pairing, it's fine, but denying that the pairing is incest is just annoying. It makes it seem like they think incest is gross, but desperately try to deny that USUK is incest only to continue shipping it or to keep telling themselves that USUK will be canon, which will never happen just like (unfortunately) every other Hetalia pairing except (possibly) AusHun.''

Quote number 2- from deviant art

''t's this reasoning that made me think back to all the Journal reads, essays and editorials many of the Anti UsUk fans write about why they hate the pairing. They usually mention about the pairing being incest, pedophilia and/or not cannon. While all of those might be true, I think there's more reasoning to why UsUk usually never works. It isn't to say those shouldn't be mentioned, because they should be, and I will mention them. First off, incest. Yes, UsUk is incest, but not because they share blood, but because they're BROTHERS. The fact that England adopted America should not be anyone's excuse for why it's not considered incest. Incest means sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other. The definition of related is belonging to the same family, group, or type. Neither of these say anything about sharing blood, or having to be born from the mother's womb. If your parents divorced, and your father married another woman, who becomes your mother, she would be considered related to you, since you both belong in the same family. America and England are brothers, they're family, they belong in the same family, and even share the same family name (Don't believe me? Britain's full name is United Kingdom of Great Britain, just like America's full name is United States of America, which was declared by Acts of Union in 1707 before the Revolutionary War. Coincidence? I think not 📷). No, I do not count their human names, since they're mainly names used for the fanbase to use. Now, for pedophilia, that's the one that can be questioned. On one hand, if England and America are shipped when both are adults, then it shouldn't be considered pedophilia. On the other hand, they are about 800-700 years apart. Though, the same could be said with America and other countries like Japan, Ukraine and Belarus. While America may not be the youngest country, technically speaking, he's certainly the youngest most powerful country. So, if anyone in the fandom is going to pair up America with anyone, male or female, that country is most likely going to be thousands of years older than him. So, do I consider UsUk pedophilia? Well... not if America is already a grown adult. So, unless there are fanart or fan fictions with England being sexual or flirty with kid or youth America, pedophilia isn't really the big issue (especially since I haven't seen pictures or fanart of England being sexual or flirty with kid America, and are perhaps the only brotherly pictures and/or fan fictions I can find of England and America). Being that everyone knows that UsUk is CERTAINLY not cannon, I want to go more deep into why I feel UsUk doesn't work. Let's set aside the fact that it is incest, and look at this pairing from a realistic standpoint. I want to start from the bottom up, which would be the back story of how England's and America's relationship started. Why is this relationship so memorable, and considered adorable? Why does it work so well? To put it simply, the relationship between England and America is very relatable. They both reminded me of my two brothers, and my dad and my uncle. It's the story of the little brother, who looked up to the older brother as the greatest thing on earth; the most perfect person in the world. He could never think of anyone else that could be compared to his older brother. Then, suddenly, that little brother grows up and realizes that his older brother is a compete jerk, or isn't as perfect as he originally thought. Usually, this is hard for any little brother to grasp, and, once he does, the relationship between him and his older brother starts to friction. They no longer share the same relationship they once had. Little brothers can relate to America in trying to grasp and understand that his older brother wasn't the big, perfect person he once thought, when he says, “you used to be so big.” At the same time, older brothers can relate to England in losing the innocent little brother that thought he was the world, then having to watch him grow up, and turn into a complete

jerk himself, or lose his innocence. It isn't that England never saw any flaws in America, even as a little kid, but it's hard for him to watch those innocence and naiveness suddenly flushed down the toilet. Now, America is surpassing England, and England now needs America to help him at times. From what I've seen from my brothers and uncle, it's very hard for an older brother to admit he needs his little brother's help, that there might be things his little brother knows more than him, and to actually call or go to little brother for help. This is continually seen with England and America during World War 2 where America volunteers to help, and England continually refuses, but yet seems to need the help (this is especially seen in the Blitz series). When anyone takes these two characters, whose relationship represents and older and younger brother of our generation, then turns it into a gay relationship, it completely ruins the amazing buildup that Hidekazu Himaruya was intentionally going for. It's not that gay relationships are not relatable, but the one that's made in the UsUk fandom isn't something that gay couples can relate to. Turning something that was never intended to be a gay relationship into one is actually the reason why there are gay men and women that dislike yaoi. It's not only a misrepresentation of England and America, and their relationship, but it's a misrepresentation of gay relationships in general. That's mainly where it boils down to why I dislike UsUk. Yes, homosexuality is one of those reasons, being that homosexuality was VERY looked down upon back during World War 2, especially during the colonial days (if you were caught in the act of homosexuality, you'd most likely be kicked out of the city and, if not, be beaten by countless cowboys, then killed, and those cowboys would get away with it, not being punished for said act even if they were caught). More than likely, England and America were homophobic back during those days, since many Americans and Englishmen were completely against homosexuality. It wasn't until around the Cold War, or during the 1960's, when the world started changing their viewpoints. Though, with that aside, UsUk, to me, just can't work with the back story and buildup of the show. Though, the same should be said for many yaoi fandoms in general. Many of them just don't work with the cannon buildup set for the two male characters. If people try to pair America and England up, keeping the cannon story line of their relationship, it comes out as unrealistic, and a misrepresentation of gay relationships, the relationship between England and America, and history in general. It isn't to say that nobody should write UsUk. In my opinion, whatever shipping you want to use is completely up to you. Though, if you want to write a UsUk fan fiction, it needs to not ruin the cannon relationship buildup set for England and America. In other words, I don't want a UsUk of any type to use the same cannon back story from the Hetalia series, otherwise it just becomes very unrelatable, and ruins the intended relationship buildup between England and America as older and younger brother. Anyways, those are my thoughts on UsUk, and why I don't like the pairing in general. You can agree or disagree, but I wanted to get my thoughts out. You can let me know in the comments about your thoughts on UsUk. I'm interested in knowing what your thoughts on the fandom, whether you're a UsUk fan or completely against the pairing, like me.''

23 - Have you ever had a ship become canon, but you didn’t like how it was portrayed?

- Korra x Asami (It looks rushed and I think Asami deserves better, in my eyes Korra constantly changed relationships and has immaturity issues, I watched the show a long time ago tho)

- Light x Misa (Misa deserved someone who cared for her)

- Erza x Jellal/Gerard (Erza deserved better, the guy looks like he is an extra or made of plastic)

- Ban x Elaine (I really dislike this ship, I read some articles about Japan and I do not know if this real/legit and please excuse me if I spread misinformation, but from what I read, some people said that Japan has p*dophilia problems. Certain mangaka or their word for the comic/manga artist, put loli characters on purpose to please a certain fanbase that likes this type of content. I look like a loli somewhat because I have small frame while other girls matured on body way too fast, I remained skin and bones up until the age of 19, after that I somehow started to gain some weight on my legs but that doesn't mean I am still not short and skinny on my upper body. Old creepy men, asking where you live and asking you sexual intimate questions when you just want to buy you self some dinner after school, isn't my idea of fun. Which is why - 100000 years but has the body of a loli is bullshit. There are older women who have smaller bodies but no matter how young you look, every human being starts developing wrinkles and hair falling at some point in their life. They may be small, but they surely don't look like lolis.

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fischerfrey · 4 years ago

Note

How about twenty-one and twenty-four for Verna and Merula? I stan them so bloody much.

thank you for asking and stanning them!! it means a lot to me<3

21. How have they changed each other for the better/for the worse?

This is an interesting question when it comes to Verna and Merula. I feel like Merula is the one who changes the most, as she struggles to become a better person. It's, in part, thanks to Verna that she wants to change, and being loved by Verna and making friends with her friends makes her realize that she can do better.

Merula becomes softer, more open-minded, and accepting of herself and others but she never loses her temperament and snarky personality. For example, she doesn't want anyone to know how lame and lovey-dovey she sometimes gets with Verna and if someone overhears, she'll definitely threaten bodily harm if they would ever tell anyone (she wouldn't actually hurt anyone but still).

As for Verna, Merula has always challenged her and driven her to give her best in any situation. Verna has had a pretty sheltered life and a relatively happy childhood up until Jacob's dissappearence. Merula has had an opposite experience. Verna learns a lot about the way war affects families as well as dealing with Merula's trauma. This experience is actually partly what makes them want to protect baby Roe when he crosses their path.

24. What is something they have each had to forgive the other for?

I haven't exactly 100% figured out how the whole mole-thing etc. is gonna play out. I have a vague idea that Merula is going to betray Verna and the others at some point during year 7 but I'm not there yet in-game and based on what I've seen online, I think I'm gonna do things a bit differently. So that's something that Verna will have to forgive. What makes it doubly difficult is that she's already had to forgive Merula once, and learn to trust her after her initial hostility during years 1-4.

They're only able to work things out after the war and finally get back together, though it's not without drama, because Merula's parents murder Verna's father during the war...

When it comes to Merula, she harbours anger towards Verna but it's really herself and her own feelings that she has to accept. Herself that she has to forgive. Due to her internalized homophobia, she really struggles to differentiate her own shame from what she thinks is dislike for Verna. Their relationship isn't simple or fluffy, but once they've worked through their issues, they will notice that they're really compatible.

#ask games #verula #these got real dark real fast!!!

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cupidmarwani-archive · 5 years ago

Text

Evan Buckley vs The Pool (1/2)

Summary: After the tsunami, Buck isn’t exactly friends with the water.

WC: 1.6k

It’s another blistering day in Los Angeles, and by some miracle, everyone has the day off. However, instead of spending the day alone, the 118 has once again dedicated hours to be together in the form of “the best pool party in LA,” according to Harry when he helped Bobby carry in the pizza. Athena’s backyard pool is more than accommodating to the three children splashing around in the shallows- four if you count Eddie- and the adults drifting in the deeper end, as well as those who are too busy snacking and drinking beer to get in the water. It’s a cheerful sight, one they’ve all earned after the drama of the past year or so.

“Bucky, look!”

Bobby watches the smile break across Buck’s face when Christopher calls for him. He’s gone for that kid, has been since the first day Eddie brought him into the station. “I’m looking!” he yells back, snapping pictures on his phone as he plays marco polo with the other kids. It’s always around Christopher and Eddie that he seems the happiest. He’d be happier in the water, Bobby thinks for a moment, before remembering exactly what he’s been through. Buck was on the pier when the tsunami hit, was jerked around in the waves multiple times as he struggled to protect Christopher and save bystanders. Then he was wandering around in various heights of water for who knows how long, searching for Chris. If he doesn’t feel safe going back into the water, Bobby won’t push him. He’ll talk to him about it on the next shift though. In this city, a firefighter needs to be able to go into the water.

For now, though, it’s a good day, and Bobby doesn’t mention the fact that Buck stays in his chair in the shade, drinking beer and taking pictures of Eddie and Christopher. Hen and Chimney are playfully teasing him from the pool and occasionally splashing him, but it’s all in good fun, so he doesn’t feel like he has to intervene. This team is like a family.

“Something on your mind?” Athena asks, nudging him with her elbow. “You’ve been staring at Buck for a minute.”

It’s not his place to talk about Buck’s potential trauma, but Athena knows everything he does anyway. “I’m just worried about him. He won’t get in the water. I mean, it hasn’t been an issue on any calls yet, but…” he doesn’t have to finish the sentence. They both know what he means. “I just don’t think he’s really processed any of it. I mean, he’s learned a lot about natural disasters, I guess to try and reassure himself, but that’s not the same as healing.”

“I can talk to him about it.”

“No, I will. Just not today.”

She nods. Neither of them want to disrupt the good day everyone is having. Bobby leans down to kiss her cheek before going over to the grill to check on the roast. Sure, they’ve had their pizza, but that was for lunch, and it’s starting to near evening, and he’d never send his team home without at least one proper meal. It’s one of the reasons Buck, Hen and Eddie affectionately refer to him as Captain Dad, which he doesn’t mind all that much. Maybe he was born to be a caretaker. It’s certainly the only way he’s ever felt at peace in his life. Providing for his wife and kids, before he lost them, and being a firefighter, and now looking after this gigantic family he stumbled into. There’s just something good about being able to show his love for them in a way as concrete as cooking. He smiles at the grill when he hears the incoming disaster.

Hen and Chimney are getting out of the pool, laughing in low tones. Buck announces he’s getting up for another beer and asks if anyone else wants some. Somehow, Bobby knows something bad is about to happen and he turns around, but he’s not fast enough. None of them are. And he knows that the two of them don’t mean any real harm because it’s something they’d done before the tsunami. Bobby’s four children (and yes, the firefighters are kind of his children sometimes) would push each other into the pool at these parties. The difference is that Buck is now afraid of the water, and Hen and Chimney don’t know that. Out of the corner of his eye, Bobby sees Eddie watching in horror as well from where he’s reaching for a towel for Christopher. There’s nothing they can do to stop it. It all happens so fast.

First, Hen grabs Buck under his arms and lifts, and then Chimney has his legs. In less than five seconds, they’re throwing him the few inches to the pool, and then Buck is in the air. There’s a moment of pure terror on his face before his back hits the water. Then he’s in. Hen and Chimney are laughing, but Eddie and Bobby are both looking at the dark blur in the water where Buck went in.

He doesn’t resurface after a few seconds, even though his body is clearly moving under the water, and the laughter stops. Buck isn’t coming back up. Bobby takes a step forward, about to go in after him, but Eddie is faster, jumping back into the water and grabbing Buck from the deep end. For the brief moment he’s under there, trying to get a hold of his flailing limbs, Bobby wonders if Buck is scared enough to inhale. He can picture it. Just like when Buck collapsed in this backyard before, panicking as he coughed up blood all over himself when he was supposed to be better.

Then Eddie’s head breaks the water, followed by Buck’s, and he takes them both to the edge so Hen and Chimney can help haul him back out of there. Even back on the concrete, Buck is struggling and despite two yards or so between them, Bobby can hear him gasping for breath and sobbing. He’s not just scared. He’s terrified. Eddie drags himself out of the pool and kneels beside Buck, taking his hand and helping him sit up.

“Buck, listen to me. I need you to take a deep breath, okay? You’re alright. You’re safe.”

He seems caught between trying to calm Buck down and check him over to make sure he’s not hurt, so Bobby comes over and sits at his other side. Carefully, he presses his fingers to the side of Buck’s neck to feel his pulse. It’s rapid, but in rhythm. It’ll be hard to check his breathing before he calms down, but the lack of coughing or signs of deoxygenating are good signs that he didn’t inhale anything. Physically, he’s just wet. But emotionally is a different story.

One of Buck’s soaked hands grabs Bobby’s shirt as he meets his eyes. The kid looks so scared. More than he’s ever seen him, even when he was pinned under that ladder truck and had no idea why no one was helping him. It’s the sort of look that sends ice through Bobby’s own veins because he doesn’t know how to make all the pain and fear go away.

“Christopher,” Buck gasps out. “I need to- I lost him- I-”

Eddie calls Christopher over, letting him near the chaos and into Buck’s arms. “It’s okay, baby, he’s right here. He’s safe. You’re safe. You’re both safe, I promise.”

Buck wraps his arms around Christopher and buries his face in the child’s wet curls, trying to control his crying in front of him. He’s a natural father, Bobby has always thought, and it shows now in how he’s so visibly distressed and yet focuses first on the comfort of Christopher. In some ways, he is a father. He and Eddie are practically raising Chris together, anyway, and it’s heartbreaking to remember the pure panic and pain on Buck’s face when he had to say he didn’t know where Christopher was.

Unfortunately for all of them, Christopher has always picked up easily on unsaid cues. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, honey, I’m fine,” Buck says, still with his lips to the crown of Christopher’s head. His voice is shaking almost as bad as his body, but he says it nonetheless. “Just got a little scared, that’s all.”

Karen hands Bobby a towel, which he wraps around Buck’s shoulders, and Christopher by extension. The party is all but over, and when he Bobby looks up, he sees the shock and guilt on Hen and Chimney’s faces. They didn’t mean for this to happen. But they should have thought first, and he’ll talk to them later. For now, it’s more important that Buck is okay.

Always one step ahead when it comes to Buck, Eddie leans in close to him and murmurs, “Do we need to worry about your lungs?”

“I- I don’t know.”

None of them have their kits with them, so it means Buck will probably get a trip to the ER to be sure he won’t dry-drown later on in the night. For now, he seems unwilling to move from his safe spot beside the pool, clinging to Christopher and remembering how to breathe again. Bobby leaves him in Eddie’s capable hands and stands up, looking at Hen and Chimney,

“I want to speak to you both inside.”

Hen’s face crumples. “Bobby, we didn’t-”

“Inside.”

They both shuffle toward the sliding glass door. Bobby follows after them, but not without one last look over his shoulder at the three boys sitting beside his pool. As Buck starts rocking himself and Christopher back and forth slightly, Eddie nods at Bobby. He’s got it taken care of. They’re safe with him.

#evan buckley #bobby nash #eddie diaz #buddie #mine #fic

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reddiefic-anon12 · 5 years ago

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TW for sexual assault, CSA, rape, incest and murder.

I don’t know how to start this but I am 99% sure that my fic is currently in the middle of some tumblr drama. The fic isn’t named (so I won’t name it either) but there aren’t many fics like this one so I can pretty confidently say that it’s mine.

Firstly I want to apologise to anyone who has gotten upset/trigged if they read my fic. This was never my intention which is why my fic is tagged heavily with anything I could think of. But truly, to anyone who was hurt by my fic I am sorry.

I am also not going to talk about the sever becuase I wasn’t in it. I don’t know what happened aside from the screenshots. From the looks of it, an accident happened and it was dealt with.

I didn’t even know that my fic was apart of this drama. I only follow one person involved in anyway with this drama so it was a shock to log on this morning and see that people are getting hate for reading my fic.

This is the part that confuses me the most. @liamannt and @creamykaspbrak didn’t write this fic and the screenshots I saw didn’t show them glorifying or hyping my fic. One message called it disgusting, which yeah, it is. I understand that people can’t send me hate on here but you could have directed the hate towards my comment section instead of to innocent people?

I’ve also seen the post which is discussing my fic. Hate it if you want, that doesn’t bother me especially given the dark subject matter but don’t lie about me to justify it. One quote that I saw it “a fic which was based around the sexual exploitation of toddlers by their parents. This was not a fic about recovery or trauma, it was written for sexual pleasure detailing the abuse of the children.” And yes, the sexual assault of both R*chie and Ed*ie (censoring so this doesn’t come up in searches) is a central part of the story. It’s about the abuse - sexual and emotional - that they suffer at the hands of M*ggie and W*nt.

I’d even argue that the fic isn’t about recovery becuase it’s not happy! They don’t recover after all this. R, especially in later chapters, is worse than his parents. That’s the point. It’s about a child being raised in an extremely awful environment and what happens to him, his relationships with his friends and family and with E.

But this fic is not for sexual pleasure. It is not written to be enjoyed. It’s supposed to be a dark, scary and uncomfortable story. It’s also not glorifying the abuse of the kids. One of the ways this is achieved is by writing it in R’s (and occasionally E’s) POV. He sees nothing wrong with it becuase of how he’s been raised, E sees nothing wrong with it because M*ggie emotionally manipulates him into seeing nothing wrong with what they do. The abuse is also not detailed, in fact R glosses over it a lot becuase he’s a child and doesn’t understand

A lot of the comments I get, especially earlier on when R wasn’t as aware of his situation and thus narrated it in a such a way, discussed how they disliked S*nia more than the Toz*ers because her abuse is much more obvious to a child-minded R and therefore the audience becuase of how it’s written. Even though S*nia is no where near as bad as the Toz*ers who are literally serial killers raised R and E to be like them. Again, that’s the point. Because R doesn’t like S*nia so the audience gets a negative view of her becuase it’s from his POV. Again, this fic is a horror.

The purpose is to make you uncomfortable BECAUSE you side with R.

This story is a psychological story, meant to be scary and make you sick to read (and write) told through an unreliable narrator who doesn’t see things as bad - sexual assault, both being the victim and abuser, and murder - while the reader does see those things as bad.

The tumblr user who wrote this post might have gotten that if she had read it, as she said in her post: “I did not read this work.”

Another user said “The fic in question is a heinous rape fic where parents have sexual relationships with toddlers. That fic is NOT about navigating or exploring trauma. It’s straight up csa porn. I read the first chapter or maybe two, to see if it was about something other than sexy child rape, and it’s not! And guess what! I didn’t tell anyone about it or advertise it in any way because it’s disgusting.”

We’ve already discussed the first part - it is about exploring trauma and abuse but it is not about recovery. The sexual parts aren’t detailed, more often than not they’re referenced (not every time - there are more detailed scenes-, especially when it’s just R and E even as kids).

And no one is meant to see this as sexual, and from my comments no one does. @bimmyshrug discusses the fic and is practically perfect in her analysis of how I wanted it to come across. Whether you agree or not is a different matter.

But again, they say they only read 2 chapters in (at most) and the first two chapters features no CSA. Murder and abuse, yes. Which would justify the disgusting comment but don��t call my fic ‘sexy child rape’ just because you don’t like it.

(the fic also has 21 chapters now and will finish with 24 so I don’t see why people are making such point-blank statements with one or two chapters worth of info)

Reading and enjoying a story with dark material doesn’t mean you condone that material. We’re a fandom based on a book about child murder but none of us support murdering children.

This is a long post but I’m going to sum it up now. If you don’t like my story or even hate it; that is fine, understandable and I don’t mind nor care. Send hate to me if you want on this blog. But stop sending hate/lying/making up rumours/whatever against other people just becuase they read it/shared it.

(I don’t know how I’d prove that I’m the author but I can if needed.)

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beatriceeagle · 4 years ago

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no pressure if you're busy but i was wondering - is titans good? or is it more a show where you're like it's not /good/ but i like it? i thought it looked interesting but then everyone was so negative about it i kind of got put off. And then your (really excellent btw) video resparked why i thought it'd be interesting to watch in the first place. thanks!

I haven’t paid a ton of attention to what fans have said about Titans, although I’m aware that there’s a general negative vibe around it. I suspect that whether Titans is worth watching for you depends a whole lot on what you want out of Titans.

I went into the show having never read a DC comic in my life. I was coming off of a week-long Wikipedia binge on Batman and his associated characters—the Robins, the Batgirls, some dude named Signal—and was talking to @thirdblindmouse about how it had become overwhelmingly clear to me that we’ve been doing Batman all wrong for decades, and the way to tell the story is as an ensemble family drama about intergenerational trauma. And she was like, “Uh, have you seen Titans?” So all of my pre-existing understanding of the characters comes from Google and selected comics scans.

I suspect that the show’s interpretation of Dick Grayson, in particular, is... skewed? I’m almost certain, based on scans of comics I’ve seen/the half a season of Teen Titans I watched a lifetime ago, that its interpretation of Starfire is highly nontraditional. There are certain storylines that I know they’re adapting, but like, they are playing very loose with the adaptation of even some of the characters’ basic personalities. (I’m pretty sure—again, not really a DC comics fan!)

So if you’re very committed to a generally cheerful Dick Grayson, Titans will not give you that. If you have a vision of Batman as a generally decent man, Titans will really not give you that. In general, I think that the show would be better if it erred more towards a lighter tone for Dick—there are moments where he has shades of Quentin in season three of The Magicians, when Q was kind of endearingly hapless, and the show is better for it. But I think it earns its ambivalent stance on Batman, and uses it well. Batman in Titans looks and acts like your dad whose office you’re not allowed into. And Titans!Starfire is really amazing. Like, Anna-Diop-is-a-revelation, fuck-now-you’ve-got-me-shipping-against-my-will amazing.

The bigger issue that Titans has—and this is not unrelated to Dick’s characterization, I guess—is its relationship with violence. Titans is a really violent show, especially in its first season, and it’s off-putting. Pretty much every superhero show involves the heroes beating up bad guys; not every superhero show involves the protagonist mutilating someone in the course of a fight.

This is not unthinking hyperviolence. Titans (which is actually annoyingly pretty good about tracking character through action sequences) is trying to make a point: The compounding traumas of Dick’s childhood resulted in an explosion of rage. Batman funneled his anger into Dick; Dick funnels his anger into whatever bad guy he’s fighting. The show isn’t subtle about this idea. Dick says it out loud several times. Nor (after the first fight) does the show endorse Dick’s over-the-top violence. Everyone from Donna Troy to Dick himself remarks on it with, at minimum, concern. And over time, Dick’s fighting style changes; he consciously leaves the hyperviolence behind, until his final fight of season two is primarily evasive.

But Dick is not the only Titans character who is working out his rage on the criminals he apprehends, and the show is considerably less coherent in its tonal approach to other characters’ violence. Hank and Dawn—the masked hero team Hawk and Dove—have an origin story that plays out like the the backstory of a serial killer couple, their interlocking trauma and rage and grief finding expression and acceptance in each other. The show is aware of the dynamic, but it’s not clear that it’s aware of how disturbing it is. Hank and Dawn are, primarily, people who need to cause violence in order to be at peace in their own heads—and only secondarily, people who want to protect others from danger. Season two does do some work exploring this idea, but the exploration is confused by the fact that, in the end, the show wants both of them on the cast.

Which is kind of the problem with any superhero show that sets out to explore the ethics of superheroism—at the end of the day, the characters aren’t gonna retire to Wisconsin, you know? So Titans presents hyperviolence, presents it as problematic (sometimes), presents it as almost an inevitable consequence of traumatized teenagers deciding to pursue vigilante justice... and then builds a superhero team of traumatized teenagers and young adults. As is its basic conceit.

And on a more fundamental level, the hyperviolence just sort of makes the show feel very grim. It’s already an aesthetically dark show, a lot of the time, and then you’ve got people getting mutilated, and Batman’s an asshole and Dick Grayson’s got anger management issues, and it feels like the show’s grimdark.

I don’t think it is, though. First of all, despite everything, Titans actually has a sense of humor, both in general and occasionally about itself—I mean, it’s not Legends of Tomorrow, but it understands how to crack a smile every now and then. (They have a superdog. He shoots lasers out of his eyes!) But more importantly, at the end of the day, Titans is hopeful. Yeah, it’s a show about anger and violence and intergenerational trauma—but it’s more specifically about moving beyond those things. At its heart, it’s about being a better parent to your children than your parents were to you.

That central relationship between Dick and Rachel—Dick trying, and sometimes failing, but always caring and trying to be better for Rachel, and Rachel’s absolute fury with him when he fails, but her unshakeable devotion to him for being there, the unbelievable amount of sway he holds in her world—that’s what makes the show work for me. There are other vital relationships, too—Rachel and Kory, especially, but also all of the pseudo-familial relationships built up between all of the characters—but it all comes back to Dick and Rachel.

I mean, it’s a found family show. So much so that in season two, there are like, three separate speeches about how this is a family, not one of those stupid biological families, but a family we found, and isn’t that the important kind? And how grimdark can a found family show really be?

The other thing that might throw some people off—but which is actually one of my favorite things about the show—is the structure. If you take a look at the Titans episode list, you’ll see that roughly 75 percent of the episodes are named after a character or characters. Season one of Titans is basically about Dick, Starfire, Gar, and Rachel (Raven from the comics) traveling the midwest, picking up the people who will eventually form the main Titans team. When they encounter those people, they get a spotlight episode. So in episode two, “Hawk and Dove,” when Dick and Rachel lay low at Hank and Dawn’s, the episode starts out with an extended cold open, entirely disconnected from the main characters, just introducing us to Hank and Dawn as characters. Episode eight, “Donna Troy,” sees Dick go to visit his old friend Donna in Milwaukee, and... basically just hang out with her for half the episode, while the rest of the cast does plot stuff. Occasionally, these spotlight episodes stop the plot completely: Towards the end of season one, an episode ends on a cliffhanger. the next episode, rather than showing the outcome of the cliffhanger, is “Hank and Dawn,” an episode that flashes back to show the story of how Hank and Dawn met and became masked heroes. (There’s an in-episode device that eventually makes it clear why this story is related to the cliffhanger.) Season two uses the cliffhanger-into-a-flashback-spotlight-episode structure two more times, once with a character we’ve never met before.

I can see this being deeply frustrating to a viewer watching week-by-week (and I would not recommend watching Titans in that manner). And it’s certainly an unconventional way to structure a season of television. But honestly? I think it’s half of what I like about the show. The spotlight and flashback episodes are good—often some of the best the show’s produced. They don’t stop the plot for no reason; in season two, in particular, they provide context and backstory and characterization in a way that would be almost impossible to do, or to do so well, without the space of a full episode. They make the show more episodic than it would otherwise be—always a joy, in a television landscape full of 10-hour movies—and give it space to experiment with tone and genre. They make the characters richer, and the relationships more complex.

Does it slow down the plot? Absolutely. But Titans is not overflowing with complex plot, and I don’t really think it should try to. The plot of Titans hangs together juuuuuuuust enough to make the themes and characters and relationships work. It’s coherent—we’re not talking Teen Wolf, here—but it’s not brilliant, and honestly, that’s fine by me. But I suppose if you want your plot to be really good, this may not be the show for you.

Finally, I’ll say that Titans, though not what I would call a feminist show (it has a primarily male writing staff and I think it shows) does have a kind of surprisingly large female cast? I wanna say it’s five men, five women, by the end of season two? (Yeah, it’s a fucking enormous cast.) And the women have actual relationships with each other, ones that the show puts some effort into maintaining and remembering. I realize this is damning with faint praise, but honestly I’d just expected a show like Titans to not do that, and was prepared to ignore it, and was kind of pleasantly surprised when I didn’t have to.

In summary: I told my sister that Titans is 10% men in spandex standing on cars, 30% team as family, 30% intergenerational trauma, 20% an uncomfortable relationship with is own hyperviolence, and 10% Krypto the Superdog. I think that tracks. That show, despite having Anna Diop’s glowing presence, has a lot of flaws, but it also really worked for me on some soul-deep level. I am exactly on its wavelength.

I do not think that Titans is a fantastic television show, but I also don’t think it’s a very bad one. I think it’s generally competent show that is very interesting in some aspects, is weak in some areas, falls prey to some inherent trappings of its genre, is thoughtful about familial trauma, is not thoughtful enough about violence and criminal justice, has a lot of very compelling performances, is really poorly lit a lot of the time, pays a lot of attention to its visual language, kind of thinks Batman’s an asshole, and has Krypto the Superdog. It really worked for me; I can see why others might not be into it; it might work for you!

#thank you for giving me this opportunity to talk about titans #a show that has EATEN MY BRAIN #titans #meta

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lycanthrology · 4 years ago

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may i know abt ur OCs,, 🥺👉👈

!!!! yes of course!!!

i made a silly personality quiz as well

there’s four like major guys but they all have family and stuff i wont go into them too much tho coz yknow yAwn

Aidan Clarke

Basically the villain of the bunch, but I have the feeling that if this was a real piece of media people would be bending over backwards to try to excuse his shitty behaviour. He’s a uk college dropout who’s got a lot of guilt and anger so he takes it out violently on other people to feel better. He went to prison for three years or so for accidentally killing his father and now he’s trying to errr basically complete a ritual to become a god. No one’s ever done it before though so no one knows what’s actually going to happen. He and his whole family are werewolves so er yeah. He’s a mean little man who deserves nothing. Nothing. Aidan is a white cishet man.

Baize Ross

She’s Aidan’s sister who changed her name when he went to prison so she couldn’t be associated as easily. She can be intimidating and cold, but also like really stupid. Baize wants to stop Aidan from uniting the gods because she knows he’ll abuse the power and use it selfishly. She often lies and hurts people, but thinks its justified by the End Goal. As time goes on her reasoning gets more and more skewed until she’s basically on a revenge quest for her own benefit. She’s deaf in one ear after Aidan related head trauma. And yeah she’s also a werewolf. Baize is a white bi cis woman in a relationship with Kaleela.

Kaleela Antoine

She’s probably the only character I’d want to be my friend irl other than maybe Lennox. Kal is super warm and kind, but can also be assertive and stubborn when she needs to be. She loves action movies and hanging out with her dad. Her and her dad have a really strong bond. When she was nine, her mother died in a car crash, and it pushed them closer together. Kal tries to talk to him at least once every day either in person or on the phone. Kal’s dad is from Algeria and they both know Arabic, French and English fluently. She suffers from anxiety and worries a lot about how people perceive her. She’s an up and coming ballet dancer that a lot of critics are talking about and hopes to make dance her full time career one day. She’s so lovely and tries her hardest to stay positive through most situations. Kaleela is a mixed race (Black and Pakistani) cis muslim lesbian in a relationship with Baize.

Lennox Smith

Lennox is an out of work astrophysicist who was in Baize’s sociology class in college. He went on to study astrophysics at university. They dated briefly but that’s way in the past and they’ve mutually agreed to ignore it. He’s sarcastic and standoffish when he hasn’t warmed up to someone, but he’s always willing to help people wherever he can. He’s close with his older brother, who was born with MS. However, he’s managed to drift from his family by forcing himself too far into his studies and not allowing himself any time off to see them during uni, then feeling too ashamed to reconnect afterwards. In the group, he seems to gravitate towards Kal. They almost instantly became good friends. Lennox is wary of Baize. He’s willing to go along with her though, as he’s developed a big fear of amounting to nothing since he cant get any work placements and thinks getting involved in her wild family drama might help him find a purpose. He’s so smart but super underappreciated and deserving of way more respect than he gets. Lennox is a Black bi trans man with adhd and autism.

#there is so much more to talk about but i only gave a brief overview here #baize is pronounced the same way as the pool table fuzzy green bit yeah #oc stuff #answers #ugh this doesn’t even scratch the surface ive added so much more content

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lelouche · 6 years ago

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Orphans of the Storm: Attachment, Trauma and the Developmental Trajectories of Lelouch and Nunnally in Code Geass

Alternatively titled, Matt Has a Lot of Thoughts About the Lamperouges. 7000+ words of thoughts, to be exact. Some of them might even be semi-intelligent. Admittedly, much of this was written from a hospital office while procrastinating writing patient journals for actual patients who are real humans and not fictional characters. Thank you to my supervisor for not supervising me very much.

I. Introduction

First, let us first briefly set the stage. The story of Code Geass is set in an alternate universe where the social-darwinist, imperialist superpower The Holy Britannian Empire is ruling large parts of the world. Lelouch and Nunnally vi Britannia are born into the royal family as children of 98th Emperor Charles zi Britannia and one of his consorts, Marianne. After their mother is assassinated in a terrorist attack at the Imperial Palace, an incident which leaves Nunnally blind and paralysed from the waist down, the two are sent to Japan as political hostages. The Britannian Empire then invades Japan shortly after they arrive, and they must seek refuge with the Ashfords, a wealthy family with ties to their mother Marianne. Presumed dead by the rest of the royal family, they take on the surname Lamperouge and begin to live in hiding in the now-colonised Japan, renamed Area 11.

These events constitute what is to become Lelouch’s raison d’être through the entire series - finding out who assassinated his mother, and creating a safer, kinder environment for his sister to grow up in. Nunnally is an extremely, and I cannot stress this enough, extremely important figure for Lelouch through the entire series (to the point where it’s kind of a joke in most spin-off material). He’s her main caregiver along with their maid Sayako, and protecting her is his primary goal - often at the expense of his own safety, his friends’ safety, and/or massive collateral damage. In this essay, I will analyse their relationship with their parents and each other through the lens of attachment theory, and discuss how these dynamics shape their developmental trajectories as they grow up. I will focus on two domains of development in particular: (1) emotional regulation and (2) identity. Based on this analysis, I’ll make the argument that Nunnally, despite being the one experiencing the most trauma, ended up more well-adjusted than Lelouch. Furthermore, although the series places much emphasis on how Lelouch is the one protecting Nunnally, he is actually more dependent on his sister than she is on him. I will also discuss how these central themes tie into Lelouch’s goals and political ideology.

II. Ode to My Family: The Fundamentals of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological theory originating from the work of John Bowlby, concerning the bond between caregivers and their children. Put simply, Bowlby proposed that children are biologically predisposed to form deep, lasting bonds with their caregivers, and this bond has an important influence on subsequent development. In the attachment relationship, the caregiver functions as both a secure base from which to explore (for example, a child feeling safe when playing knowing a parent is nearby), and safe haven to turn to for emotional support (if they get scared or hurt when playing). Caregivers, on their end, facilitate secure attachment through moderate and appropriate stimulation of the child, warmth, mutually responsive interactions, and other behaviours that promote ‘connectedness’. Especially interesting is a trait called mind-mindedness, which can be described as a caregivers ability to conceptualise their child as an independent person, understand their mental/emotional state and respond appropriately. Important to note about attachment bonds is that they’re not “horizontal” - the caregiver and child aren’t on the same “level” as mutual attachment figures to each other, but the caregiver (as the older, wiser, and more experienced person who is able to provide care) will be a figure that the child can rely on.

A healthy attachment bond has a variety of important functions. It promotes the growth of self-reliance (which promotes independency), increases capacity for emotion regulation, promotes later social competence (such as empathy and mutual relationships), and is important for later identity development. This happens through the acquisition of so-called internal working models, that the child employs through their life. To simplify a bit, think of attachment as the mechanism by which caregivers, through their behaviour, teach children what to expect from the world around them, and what strategies to employ to best cope with it. At its core, it is about seeking security and safety - a form of healthy and adaptive dependence that provides a solid foundation and sense of security from which independence can grow

There are three main classifications of attachment bonds - secure, insecure and disorganised. Securely attached children will develop positive internal working models, where world is a fundamentally safe place, they are loved and worthy of that love. Interactions with the caregivers are frequent, mutual and predictable. For insecure attachment, there are two subcategories: avoidant and ambivalent. Insecure-ambivalent attachment is associated with unpredictable interaction styles, where some interactions between caregiver and child may be warm and mutually responsive, while others are more detached or unpredictable. This leads to frustration and confusion, and an ambivalent relationship. Insecure-avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is typically associated with a non-responsive and uninvolved form of care, or an absent caregiver. In this case, the child may feel rejected and like they cannot rely on anyone. Disorganised attachment simply means there is a lack of any organised form of attachment, but that’s not going to be relevant here so let’s ignore that one.

In summary:

Did you really think you were getting through this one without at least ONE chart? (Note: ambivalent and resistant attachment is the same thing)

Also, important note before moving on from this bit: (1) Attachment is not the be-all end-all for positive/negative developmental outcomes, and (2) I’ll obviously be a bit quicker to assume correlation and draw conclusions than I would in real life, because in my mind applying this stuff to literary analysis vs. applying it to real people are two completely different things. Fiction consists of a series of deliberate choices of storytelling and elements you can easily pick apart and draw lines between (preferably with red string on a corkboard wall, while looking slightly manic), whereas people are, like, more complicated and stuff - nature and nurture and all that.

Now, with attachment theory in mind, let’s have a look at the evil Britannian disaster parents.

III. The Mother We Share: (In)Secure Attachment in the Imperial Palace

Before taking a deep dive into Lelouch and Nunnally’s relationship with one another, it’s essential to discuss their relationships with their parents. Unfortunately for me, there really isn’t much canon material regarding their lives prior to Marianne’s death and the subsequent exile in Japan. However, even with the limited information available, I think it’s fairly safe to say neither Charles nor Marianne deserve a parent-of-the-year award - a point cleverly foreshadowed by me when I referred to them as evil disasters just a few sentences ago.

As for Charles, I hardly need to even make a case that he probably wasn’t a great father. It’s never outright stated in the series, but I’m going to assume they had minimal or no contact with Charles. The main reason behind this is: why would they? He had 108 (!) consorts with whom he had many children, and was busy ruling the largest empire in the world. And as if that wasn’t enough, Lelouch and Nunnally weren’t even particularly high up in in the line of succession and would have been unlikely to ever rule in their lifetime (if it hadn’t been for, er, circumstances). Furthermore, because of his grand plan to fuse humanity into one collective unconscious through the Ragnarök Connection, none of this would matter to him anyway. Additionally, I think his lack of contact with his children is very apparent through the way Lelouch interacts with his father when confronting him about Marianne’s death, which I’ll get back to.

So, we can reasonably conclude Charles was an uninvolved/absent caregiver. However, things get a little more interesting with Marianne.

This isn’t relevant to the topic or anything, I just think it’s neat how they made Lelouch so visually similar to his mother. In addition to physical traits, Marianne’s dress here has a really similar structure to what would later become her sons rebellion outfit of choice. She even has a chess-piece-esque hat to go with. Then again, I suppose the alternative was making him visually similar to Charles, and that wouldn’t make for a lot of good fanservice now would it. Anyway, this image description is too long.

As mentioned, avenging his mother’s death is one of the most significant driving forces for Lelouch throughout the series. Her assassination impacted him greatly, both in and of itself and through the harm it caused Nunnally. Whenever she’s brought up, they both seem to get visibly downhearted, and there’s never any indication they remember her anything but fondly. In picture drama 22.25 (from their time as children in the Imperial Palace), the Britannian siblings find a commemorative plate that belongs to her in Euphie’s room. They start to bicker over it, because Nunnally wants to have it herself, while Lelouch thinks Euphie should keep it because it belongs to her. This all indicates that the royal children admired Marianne, and she was obviously an important figure to them both. Through this idolisation, as well as Lelouch’s obsession with what happened at the Imperial Palace, the narrative seems to want us to assume she was a good parent.

However, there are a few things that call into question how reliable of a narrator Lelouch actually is concerning Marianne. Towards the end of the series, it’s revealed that she is actually very much alive, and completely on board with Charles’ Ragnarök plan - making her one of the series’ main antagonists. During Lelouch’s final confrontation with his parents in C’s World in S2 E21, she is unable (or unwilling) to see how faking her death, traumatising her children, shipping them off to a country the Empire promptly invaded without ever making sure they’re still alive, and then trying to convince them to get on board with her human instrumentality plan is wrong. As her wiki bluntly states: “She only superficially loves her children and will not hesitate to kill them if they get in her way.” Taking this information about her character into account, I consider it more likely that the reason Lelouch and Nunnally idolised Marianne was either (1) because they based their impression largely on her reputation, rather than because she genuinely was a loving mother, or (2) she was a very good actor.

At least she provided some strategies to prepare her children for having to cope with the emotional trauma she was about to inflict on them.

How to make sense of their relationship with Marianne from an attachment perspective? I think this is largely up to interpretation due to lack of pre-series material. Lelouch and Nunnally both seem to like and look up to her, but that does not necessarily indicate secure attachment. I would argue they had an insecure relationship with Marianne, and that argument is based on two things. First, her personality traits and actions (rather than Lelouch and Nunnally’s accounts of her): she blatantly uses her children as pawns for her plan, and doesn’t care all that much that they were suffering as a result. Even though she does argue all her planning was well-intentioned, this act quickly fall apart when Lelouch challenges her. As C.C. tells her, “the only people you love are yourselves”. Calling this sort of behaviour “poor mind-mindedness” or “lack of parental warmth” is an understatement - I simply don’t see a scenario where Marianne would genuinely care.

Secondly, I’d argue you can infer it from Lelouch’s patterns of behaviour as he grows older. Many of his actions, and the themes surrounding him as a character, could be seen as a manifestation of insecure attachment - his attitude towards Nunnally, attitude towards his friends in the student council, his emotionality, and the general theme of a fragmented identity, to mention some. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Point is, there is good reason to believe Lelouch or Nunnally had any form of secure attachment bond to either of their parents, and this has some implications for their development as the series goes on.

IV. Abandoned by the Empire: Trauma and Parentification

In addition to not having the best relationships with their parents to begin with, Lelouch and Nunnally were then burdened with more baggage after their mother’s death. In Nunnally’s case, her trauma from the incident was primarily physical (blindness and paralysation of her legs), due to her being literally in Marianne’s arms as she was shot. Lelouch was a witness, and escaped without physical injury. Afterwards, while his sister is still in hospital, he takes it upon himself to confront his father about what happened, and accuses him of having allowed, even facilitated, the assassination through purposefully neglecting security measures that day.

While Nunnally was by all means most harmed by the attack, it is here in the aftermath I’d argue Lelouch takes his “main blow” in the parental trauma department. When confronted, Charles gets angry and tells Lelouch that everything in his life has been handed to him by virtue of being a child of the royal family, and thus he’s never truly accomplished anything - he might as well be dead, and therefore has no right to doubt or disobey him. This is an especially cruel statement in the context of the social-darwinist Britannia, where the strength to survive by your own measures is seen as highly important, maybe even the only thing that truly is important. Lelouch then visibly flinches and falls back when Charles stands up, in a manner that seems outright terrified. Keep in mind, all this is happening in front of the Royal Court.

This scene in particular is the main reason I cannot imagine Lelouch or Nunnally having any kind of relationship with Charles prior to the incident, much less a secure and healthy one. You’d think the threshold for a young child to turn and publicly accuse his father of premeditated murder in front of the Britannian Royal Court would be astronomically high, especially if he actually liked and trusted him. Additionally, as I mentioned earlier, one of the most important functions of the caregiver is being a secure base in difficult and unsafe situations, which means that children typically tend to turn towards their parents during situations where they feel scared. Flinching away (so severely he even falls back, with a horrified expression on his face), rather than seeking closure, is highly indicative of insecure attachment/parental neglect.

As if all this wasn’t enough, Lelouch and Nunnally are then separated from all their siblings to be relocated to Japan as political hostages. Again, the pre-series material is pretty thin, but throughout the series there are indications that they had good relationships with some of their siblings. For example, Lelouch recalls playing chess with Schneizel, and possibly had some kind of relationship with Clovis judging by their conversation before Lelouch kills him. Both Lelouch and Nunnally also seem to have been very close with Euphie - in Stage 22.25, they’re playing in her room and don’t want to go to sleep because they’re having so much fun. Lelouch even refers to Euphie as the first girl he ever loved (let’s just... not unpack this one). Point is, not only do they get traumatised by and separated from their parents (whom they already had an insecure relationship with), but they’re also ripped away from their entire network of social support, except for each other.

This image is so fucking sad. Fuck.

So, when Lelouch and Nunnally arrive in Japan, they’re on their own. And because he is older, and because of Nunnally’s disability, Lelouch ends up taking on most of the responsibility. He carries her up the stairs when they arrive at the shrine, washes their clothing, buys their food, and so on. In addition to these practical tasks, he also tries to comfort his sister emotionally and seems to also feel responsible for her well-being - for example, when discovering their lodgings were small and quite sad-looking, he tries to shield Nunnally from it by lying and telling her it looks like Euphie’s room. When Suzaku first meets Nunnally, Lelouch instantly runs into the room because he heard a noise, and freaks out at Suzaku because he thinks he’s going to harm her. For all intents and purposes, he steps into a caregiver role for his sister - an attachment figure, one might even say. This shift in their dynamic becomes very apparent when comparing their relationship in Japan and onwards, to the aforementioned bickering-over-a-plate incident in Euphie’s room, where they were fighting and playing like siblings.

This phenomenon is sometimes called parentification, in which the absence of adult figures providing sufficient care causes one child to bear more responsibility than is normal for the age, and step into the role of “parent”. Parentification can be adaptive and healthy with concrete/practical tasks, in small periods of time and with plenty support, for example pre-teens babysitting their younger cousins. Suffice to say, Lelouch had none of those things. He is Nunnally’s sole contact, made worse by himself by being stubborn and not wanting to let anyone else in to help. Additionally, plenty of other risk factors for destructive parentification is present - the tasks are diffuse, all-consuming and way above the level appropriate for his age, he gets no sort of recognition, reward, or help, it lasts a long period of time (permanently), generational lines become somewhat blurred, and his own needs end up taking second priority to him. And, as you’ll remember from the attachment theory section, this kind of relationship is not horizontal in nature - Lelouch and Nunnally don’t provide each other mutual support of this nature, but rather Lelouch is the one providing a function for Nunnally.

In the beginning of this section, I mentioned that Nunnally’s trauma as a result of Marianne’s death was primarily physical. However, she evidently went through a great deal of psychological trauma as well. A novel detailing their childhoods in Japan states that Nunnally privately had a terrible time coping with the changes in her life and would throw tantrums when left to her own at Kururugi residence, destroying nearly anything she could get her hands on. However, unless she secretly throws tantrums whenever her brother is off screen, this doesn’t seem to be an issue during the span of the series. I’d argue this could be attributed to Lelouch functioning as a caregiver for her - she had someone there to help her, calm her down and provide external emotional regulation, which in turn helped her learn to better regulate her emotional states on her own. Lelouch provides safety and warmth, and, in doing so, becomes a buffer for his sister.

Lelouch, however, has no such buffers. Because of this, it’s easy to draw a line between his parental problems and trauma, and his subsequent maladjusted pattern behaviour when the siblings arrive in Japan. At the Kururugi residence, both him and Nunnally are offered both food and clothing, but he is insistent on providing everything himself - he washes all their clothes, and buys their food with coupons in town, despite being beat up by the other boys there for being Britannian. He’s distrustful towards everyone there (before later warming up to Suzaku) and hypersensitive for any possible threat to Nunnally’s safety. In my opinion, it’s evident Charles’ words had an impact on him. When Suzaku asks why he is so hellbent on refusing help, he responds with: “I’ll live by my own strength, and I won’t be dead any longer!” Through caregivers, children learn what to expect from the world and their own place in it - in Lelouch’s case, he clearly sees the world as an unsafe place with few people to truly trust, and considers himself only worth something if he is entirely independent. Although independence is often seen as a “mature” trait in children and therefore indicative of “good” development, healthy dependence and attachment in childhood is crucial for the facilitation of later healthy independence. And unlike Nunnally (who has him), he doesn’t have anyone to rely on and turn to for his security.

Diverting slightly from the topic at hand, I think this highlights the interesting narrative role of C.C. as the closest thing Lelouch has to a caregiver proxy. I am in no way trying to imply she is outright maternal towards him, but she’s of help and offers practical and sometimes emotional support - a role no other person in Lelouch’s life really fills. I already explained why Nunnally isn’t a possible candidate, and Suzaku, while an important figure in Lelouch’s life, has his own essay-worthy plate of parental problems to deal with. Additionally, their whole enemy situation doesn’t make him someone Lelouch can reliably turn to for comfort and support. C.C however, is older, wiser, more “stable”, and seems to know how to offer emotional support in a way that somewhat calms Lelouch down. In turn, he occasionally tries to reach out to her in difficult situations (or at least he gives into having breakdowns in front of her), which he doesn’t seem to do with anyone else. If only she’d intervened when he was a child instead of just standing there dramatically in the background. But alas.

V. Some Things Just Stick in Your Mind: Differential Susceptibility

Earlier, I briefly mentioned Nunnally being the one most harmed by Marianne’s death. She was younger when it happened, more directly involved, and experienced a greater loss of function as a result which altered her lifestyle significantly. Based on this, I could easily argue that the incident would have far more damaging implications for her long-term psychological well-being compared to her older brother. I could, but I won’t, because it didn’t. Despite all these risk factors present in Nunnally’s case, their mother’s death seems to have made far more of a long-term impact on Lelouch. We’ve already discussed the most important reason why: Lelouch providing Nunnally with protective care associated with a secure parent, thus functioning as a buffer for her trauma. In this section, I’d like to discuss another important factor, interacting with attachment security: namely, differential susceptibility (also sometimes called responsiveness for care).

When we meet Lelouch in the beginning of Code Geass, he feels stuck and utterly powerless in his situation. He gambles on chess to pass time, but feels otherwise bored, restless and detached from his environment. When he receives the power of Geass from C.C., it gives him what he claims he wanted all along - a tool to take control of his life, get revenge on those who wronged him and actually do something. Thus, a plan to overthrow the Britannian Empire is formed and set into motion. The main targets seem to be the royal family as he struggles to systematically take down the empire and search for information - once he meets his brother Clovis, he shoots him (seemingly) without much hesitation. As time goes on, he sacrifices more and more time and energy to his obsessive goal, while his web of lies and various interpersonal becomes increasingly difficult to manage. There is a reason his character is often compared to the likes of Light Yagami (despite them having completely opposing ideologies, but that’s an essay topic for another day) - his arc follows the same downward spiral pattern, where one thing leads to another and suddenly you’re up to your ears in civilian casualties. It’s obvious Lelouch hasn’t accepted, gotten over, or forgiven his family in the slightest, and takes this anger out on those he perceives wronged him in search of an answer.

Meanwhile, Nunnally doesn’t exhibit anything close to this kind of grudge. She seems upset whenever it is brought up, but otherwise seems to have made peace with what happened and ready to forgive her family. One might argue this comes down to a difference of opportunity - Nunnally doesn’t exactly have the power of Geass, or even functioning eyes of the non-mind control variety, so it might be a bit more difficult to get certain things done. Such as killing off most of the Britannian royal family. However, even before Lelouch got the power of Geass, he expressed a wish to destroy Britannia for what they did to him and his sister. So, unless Nunnally has some secret desire to kill that was just never mentioned (in which case this whole essay is null and void, I suppose), Lelouch seems to be coping with his trauma in a much more maladaptive way than his sister, turning his sadness and feelings of rejection into anger and resentment, which ended up staying with him pretty much until the day he died.

Reach your arm out and grab the stars or whatever that quote from LoGH is.

Based on this, I’d argue Lelouch is what one might call a flexible strategist. This doesn’t refer to his military tactics (although he seems pretty flexible with those as well) but simply means that, for better and for worse, he’s relatively sensitive to factors and people in his external environment. On one hand, he seems to flourish in environments where he gets support. During his childhood in the Imperial Palace, he seemed to mostly get along with and care about his siblings (as mentioned earlier). He was also by all accounts a very bright child - he did say he never managed to beat Schneizel at chess, but to give Lelouch some credit here, Schneizel at the time would have been an adult man in his early 20s, while Lelouch was, like, 7. The fact he even stood a chance is fairly impressive. I do not want to argue chess ability is the ultimate measurement of childhood functioning, but my point here is this: he seemed to be on a decent developmental path, both cognitively and socially, all things considered. On the other hand, he tends to react poorly whenever something goes wrong. I’ll talk about this in more depth in the emotional development section, but tl;dr: Lelouch is a very volatile character, who tends to have very high highs and low lows.

While Lelouch seems to be more “formable” by both positive and negative environmental influences, Nunnally is more of a so-called fixed strategist. She, like Lelouch, seemed to be in a decent place before the incident, had a period of acting out after her trauma (throwing tantrums etc.), but got “back on track” through Lelouch fairly quickly. She seems more forgiving of her family, for example when she is instantly supportive of Euphie’s special administrative zone (which Lelouch has a very ambivalent relationship with). Towards the endgame in S2, she even aligns herself with Schneizel. As her arc goes on, she shows herself more and more capable of functioning without Lelouch’s help, and make decisions of her own, based on her own opinions. Her outlook on the world seems to be much more down-to-earth and less black and white. Even when her own brother (the only person she’s been able to rely on for most of her life) geasses her and literally leaves her lying on the floor, she tries to reason with him. This is obviously just speculation, but I think had something similar happened to Lelouch he would have, psychologically speaking, completely lost it (in fact, he does lose it multiple times, which I’ll also get back to). Additionally, from the glimpse we see of Nunnally with Suzaku after Zero Requiem, it seems like she’s been able to cope relatively well with her brother’s death. In general, she seems to find her feet much easier than Lelouch and is more stable across situations.

To summarise everything so far: I’d argue neither Charles nor Marianne were secure caregivers for Lelouch and Nunnally. This is implied not only by their traits and actions, but can be inferred from Lelouch’s maladaptive developmental path. The reason we see this pattern develop in Lelouch but not Nunnally is that he, through parentification, functioned as a buffer for her. Furthermore, this difference in trajectories is amplified by their different underlying susceptibilities - Lelouch more sensitive/formable by negative events and loss in general, while Nunnally is more resilient. From this point on I’ll focus mainly on Lelouch, and discuss how this magnificent cocktail of risk factors explain his developmental outcomes as an older teenager - in particular, how it shines through when it comes to his emotionality, identity, and goals/motivations.

VI. Thunder in Our Hearts: Emotional Development and Interpersonal Relationships

Lelouch frequently throughout the series, for lack of a better term, loses his absolute shit. For example, in the scene where he plays chess with Mao in S1 E16, he screams and dramatically falls backwards when the last piece is thrown onto the scale. He’s completely devoid of expression, and is well and truly out of it until Suzaku arrives. He ends up in a similar state of mind when he thinks Nunnally is killed in S2, where it seems like he’s completely detached from his surroundings - just repeating that he wants to speak with her. In addition to these dissociative-esque states in response to extreme stress, he has lesser breakdown and outbursts as well, such as: after Shirley’s father dies, after the incident with Euphie, when he’s flipping out at Rolo upon seeing his phone locket, etc. Additionally, he’s been shown to take stress and anger out on other people in the (kinda hilarious) scene where he goes to an abandoned street to use his Geass on random people, making them dance as he stands there being angsty. These bursts of emotion don’t exclusively concern negative situations either, as evidenced by his multiple periods of manic laughter and monologues during battle.

I once read this Geass analysis claiming Lelouch is an unemotional character. As evidenced by these screenshots, that was a correct take and not inaccurate at all. Emotions? Where?

In addition to being fairly emotional, Lelouch’s character is also very centered around the people in his life. His mother and sister are the primary motivation through the series. He uses Nunnally’s well-being to justify his actions. He let’s C.C. comfort him. He cares greatly about Shirley, and is devastated at her father’s death (though one can only assume he feels a bit better after punching a wall in the shower), to the point where he erases her memory to spare her the suffering he’s bringing by getting her involved. He obviously deeply cares about Suzaku (again - essay for another day), and orders him to keep on living no matter what, despite him being the number one obstacle for Zero’s plans. If he expresses this affection in a reasonable way is another question entirely - his main way of expressing his love for Nunnally seems to be killing thousands of people for her sake, Shirley by erasing her memory, and Suzaku by forcing him to live on at any cost, which is the exact opposite of what he wanted.

He also has a recurring pattern of requiring a lot of external emotional regulation through other people. Nunnally is the most obvious example of this (obviously) - whenever something goes slightly wrong, he usually defaults to screaming about her, and becomes absolutely devastated whenever she’s unsafe. If Lelouch functions as her buffer, I’d say she’s her crutch. He heavily leans on her for justification and a purpose in life. But, these maladaptive ways of leaning on people also occurs with other characters, such as in the scene with Kallen in the warehouse where he’s about to inject himself with refrain. Kallen takes the needle from him and throws it on the ground, and he reacts by walking towards her asking her to console him - saying “there are things a woman can do for that, right?”. Kallen promptly (rightfully) slaps him, and he seems to regain his senses.

The most frequently repressed scene by all Lelouch fans.

In summary, I’d argue Lelouch is the complete opposite of an unemotional or uncaring character. He often seems to struggle with controlling his (plethora of) emotions in healthy ways, and copes with them either through completely shutting things out, having frequent breakdowns, lashing out on others, or using people as emotional crutches. He’s also very centered around other people, but tends to express it in less-than-appropriate ways, and goes on about things in an almost childish way, at times. This, I think, is indicative of his insecure attachment and lack of sensitive caregivers. In contrast to Nunnally, who had him, he didn’t have anyone to provide safety and externally regulate his emotions, meaning he was never able to internalise such strategies. Thus, there is a pattern of unhealthy (lack of) regulation of emotional states, leading to these stark contrasts between high and low points, and the quite bad ways he deals with them. Years of stress, repressed restlessness and unhealthy coping mechanisms for trauma certainly didn’t help either. Put simply - he’s a bit emotionally immature, and this is a significant aspect of his character.

VII. Reflektor: Identity and Projection

One of the most prevalent motifs in Lelouch’s arc, save for the chess symbolism, is the theme of masks and a fragmented identity. Throughout the series, he uses different identities to fill different roles in his life: Lelouch vi Britannia the prince, Lelouch Lamperouge the student, Zero the terrorist/freedom fighter and eventually Lelouch vi Britannia again, the tyrannical 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire. This switch is the most obvious display of the fragmented identity theme, as he is quite literally changing his name and masquerading as different people. With his Zero persona he even puts on a literal mask to conceal his face, but he also uses subtler, figurative masks for his other personas in order to achieve various goals. Additionally, there are also subtler role shifts at play within these identities: Lelouch Lamperouge exists as Nunnally’s caregiver, a student council member, Suzaku’s childhood friend, etc. (as with all people, fictional or not).

It is here his main ideological conflict with his parents arises. Charles and Marianne wants, through their Ragnarök plan, to abolish all “masks” and fuse mankind into one collective unconscious. Their reasoning is that if everyone were honest and there were no separation between people, the world would be a better place. Lelouch, however, finds the concept of identity masks useful and even defines himself by them. This is clearly shaped by his own experience - in order to survive in Area 11 and protect his sister, he had to change his name and lie. In order to gain real power and influence to overthrow Britannia, he had to change his name and lie. This modus operandi goes straight to the heart of his identity, because it is the reason he is able to exert his will over the world in any meaningful way - which, as we discussed earlier, is the reason he is “not dead any longer”. His core idea is that those who are privileged enough to be able to tell the truth about themselves, have no right to deny others the right to lie for their own survival or to achieve their goals.

Carl Jung arguably had a much more significant impact on anime than he did psychology. Actually, this isn’t even arguable.

Another, subtler way the series conveys the theme of fractured identity is Lelouch’s projection of desires and wishes onto others. This is shown quite literally through how the Geass gives him the power to command anyone to do anything. But not only does he impose his will onto others through verbal command, he also projects his more abstract goals and desires into the people in his life. Again, Nunnally is the most obvious example of this: Everything he does, he claims is for the sake of Nunnally. It’s interesting he never outright says that he wanted to do any of this for any personal reason - it’s all about a kinder world for Nunnally, Nunnally’s smile, and how their parents abandoned them. In the final confrontation with Charles and Marianne, Suzaku asks him if he used Nunnally as an excuse to justify his actions. Lelouch confirms this, and then says he fought to protect everything he wanted to protect. Still, he never mentions he feels rejected, or that he would want to grow older in a kinder world, even though it’s obviously more his own wish than hers (as Nunnally mentions during Zero Requiem, she would have been happy just being with her brother). In a way, he considers himself two steps removed from his desires - only working against Britannia on the basis of what he imagines the people in his life would want him to do.

Lelouch also has a tendency to view his own identity(-ies) through abstract symbols, rather than as a concrete human being with a backstory, grudges and motivations. In exile he expresses frustration at being a pawn of Britannia, as Zero he functions as a faceless symbol of Japanese liberation and a rebellion against the establishment, and as Emperor he aims to become a symbol of people’s hatred towards their oppressors. Even the orchestration of his life’s ending is primarily a symbolic act to him; with the world’s hatred focused on a tyrannical Emperor, the world can be peaceful when that symbol disappears. Lelouch seems very aware of this himself: that he is past the point of no return, and destined to become someone who will bear the burden of sacrificing his own identity, morals and character to play a part. He, in a way, seems more comfortable in this realm of abstraction - in being more of a symbol. However, if we try to strip away his rather grand narrative for a second, we’re left with a person committing suicide at 19 because he thinks the world will be a better place for it.

Black king captures e1, checkmate.

VIII. Pity the Child: Politics and Spite

Lastly, I want to make the argument that the parental abandonment Lelouch and Nunnally experienced, and the subsequent cascade of issues is the most important aspect of the series. Even more so than the central ideological conflict of working against versus within systems of oppression. As I’ve already touched on a fair bit, I think Lelouch’s circumstances growing up and the experiences arising from that was the very foundation for his later ideology and hatred for Britannia, rather than his ideology in and of itself being the reason he hates his parents and the system they represent. This is best represented by the climax of the scene with Charles and Marianne in C’s world, where Lelouch speaks not of systems of power, racism, oppression, politics, etc. - he speaks of abandonment and hurt.

In my opinion, there’s reason to question whether he would have gone to the same lengths to destroy Britannia if he’d not been exiled from the system himself. In one of the picture dramas from his summer in Japan as a child, he lectures Suzaku on Britannian and Japanese foreign trade policy, making the argument they’re both unethical. This indicates he already knew of and disagreed with the actions of Britannia, but it’s only after he’s exiled and war is declared on Japan he begins talking about enacting revenge. Additionally, he has some truly magnificent displays of hypocrisy throughout the series that (in my unpopular (?) opinion) puts Suzaku to shame. Even the very act of him using Geass is contradictory to his fundamental belief: that opposing a well-intentioned act upon others is no different from an evil act. During their confrontation, he is very concerned with expressing this ideology to his parents, before promptly turning around and making his brother a geassed slave forever, two episodes later.

Not to completely undermine his ideological streak; I do genuinely believe he is anti-Britannia, and I do genuinely believe he values personal freedom highly. However, based on everything discussed so far, I’d argue he would perhaps not have cared as much, or at least been more open to a more Suzaku-esque approach, had he not had deep personal trauma connected to the whole situation as well. So, his main motivation isn’t to “bash the fash”, as it were, but rather bash these few specific fash who traumatised him and his sister before shipping them off to a foreign country they then immediately declared war on. Revenge, spite, and pure, childish anger towards a family that wronged him is a much more useful lens through which to view the series, rather than an ideological conflict per se.

IX. The Conclusion Bit, Finally

To summarise this entirely too long essay, Lelouch and Nunnally both suffered from insecure attachment and later trauma and parental abandonment. Nunnally’s main protective factor/buffer for this trauma was Lelouch, which gets her “back on track” towards becoming an emotionally stable and independent girl. Her brother, however, doesn’t have anyone to fill this role, and this cascades into dysfunctional behaviour and strategies across different domains: his trust issues as a child, obsession with revenge, immature emotionality, poor handling of stress, projecting onto others, and a fragmented concept of his own identity. Lastly, I think these personal issues constitute the crux of his motivation throughout the series - Lelouch’s arc is about trauma, parental neglect and spite more than it ever was about politics.

#code geass #lelouch vi britannia #lelouch lamperouge #nunnally vi britannia #@ everyone who's ever wanted to read a Long essay on code geass and developmental psychology: you're welcome #I hope some of it is understandable or even interesting #my essays #.........that's a VERY optimistic tag but I feel like I have to tag it with Something #analysis

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calzona-ga · 5 years ago

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Showrunner Krista Vernoff also opens up about her vision for spinoff 'Station 19,' which she added to her oversight in May.

After helping to resuscitate Grey's Anatomy over the past few seasons, Krista Vernoff will be pulling double duty as showrunner on both the ABC medical drama and its firefighter spinoff, Station 19.

Grey's Anatomy returns for its 16th season and will pick up immediately where May's finale left off as the typically outspoken Vernoff plans to further explore the country's immigration policies and the "broken" medical care system. Both will be part of the storyline involving Ellen Pompeo's Meredith Grey, who in the season 15 finale, saw her boyfriend Andrew (Giacomo Gianniotti) taking the fall for her having committed insurance fraud (and subsequently fired).

Below, Vernoff talks with The Hollywood Reporter about the larger themes she's looking to explore on Grey's Anatomy as well as Station 19, which she says will lean into exploring what makes firefighters want to do such dangerous jobs.

Last season was the "Season of Love." What's the theme for season 16? I don't have a label for it. Season of Love was a lucky swing. Those kids came on the Tony Awards and sang "Season of Love" and I was feeing a lack of cohesion. I came in and I said, "It's the Season of Love." Then the press ran with that and that was really fun. But we have never had a "season of" anything before that. It's hard to follow up on the Season of Love but I feel like there's the "Season of Family" and we've got our 350th episode, which is a big one. I don't have a theme for the season but we are doing a really good job of paying off the finale from last season. We are doing a direct pickup [from when the finale ended]. We are playing through the consequences of Meredith's decision and playing through the consequences of Bailey's decision, of Catherine's decision, of Teddy and Owen's decision. We didn't do a reset; we already shook it up.

Which means what happened to Jackson in the fog will be addressed … What happened to Jackson in the fog is answered almost immediately in the premiere. Everything has high stakes and high consequences and yet we are keeping alive the sense of humor, the sense of fun, the sense of joy that we've been doing the last couple of years.

The consent episode was sadly overlooked by the TV Academy after a big Emmy push. As an outspoken showrunner about topics in our industry, in politics and beyond, is there a "topic" episode that's percolating for this season? At this point in the season, we are having rich character discussions about the consequences of what Meredith did in committing insurance fraud and it's because of our immigration policies but also because of our broken medical care system. Because that story is very much in play, conversations about our broken medical care system are at play. In order to play that story through, we have to educate ourselves about the realities that doctors face and what works well in our country and what is broken. That is an essential part of our conversation this season but it all starts with character. It all starts with what are we going to do with Meredith now? She just got fired. Her medical license is potentially threatened by her decision and her boyfriend is in jail.

In the past month there have been three mass shootings in this country. Is gun control and gun reform something you've discussed tackling on Grey's? The writers and I have been talking about guns for a long time now — ever since the "this is my lane" movement happened where the NRA told doctors to stay in their lane, and there was a huge outcry from the medical community of this is my lane: "Here is a picture of my blood-soaked OR, ER, elevator; this is my lane, this is where I sit and tell parents that their children are dead, that's the chair I sit in, this is my lane." We read all of that and thought, "Our show is about doctors and this is what's happening in the medical community today, how do we illuminate this epidemic and how do we do it where it's rooted in character and it's not us wanting to make a political statement?" Our episode last season where the kid was shot from somebody shooting his gun off at a parade and there's this group of bagpipers and his father is saying, "Oh my god, how is this possible? How is my child maybe going to die and no laws will change?" All of that was born of this. And we are continuing to explore ways to illuminate the crises our doctors face every day.

This season, you're also showrunning spinoff Station 19, with the two series having a greater connection — including a romantic storyline. What are you looking to accomplish with Station 19? Will there be cast departures? What sort of changes can viewers expect? That's seven questions and many of them I cannot answer! (Laughs.) What I can say is I've never had so much fun in my career. The opportunity to merge these two worlds or further expand the Grey's Anatomy universe to include the fire station, which is down the street — it's exciting creatively. The writers' rooms are right next door to each other. The writers constantly interact with each other. I've got one writer — Kiley Donovan — who is doing both shows. There is an inter-show romance, which I am very excited by and which I think will be surprising. It's exciting and it's fresh. We've still got Ben (Jason George) and Bailey (Chandra Wilson) interacting between the two shows. And we've got first responders and doctors. By its very nature, that is a cohesive world. The first responders are the first step to the medicine. We are trying to lean a little harder into the idea that we can expand the world of Grey's Anatomy by expanding our understanding of how many highly trained hands a person has to move through to go from trauma and crisis to post-op.

Will there be tonal shifts on Station 19? What's working that you’re leaning into, what didn't work that you're doing less of? What I have discovered in diving into the world of first responders is how simultaneously high stakes everything those heroes do every day is. Everything they do is at a Level 11. They stay incredibly calm in the face of what you and I would be completely traumatized in a moment-to-moment basis. It reminds me of Grey's Anatomy in the early years: The conversation was surgeons are basically like auto mechanics. You want to believe that they're reverent in the OR but they do this all day, every day. So, they're talking about their love lives while they're operating on your heart and that is going to be a shocking thing for America to see. There are similarities in that these first responders are facing massive trauma. If you're meeting first responders, it's probably the worst day of your life. They are incredible and professional and then they go out and it was, for the most part, another day at the office. They may be occasionally traumatized by a loss but, for the most part, it was another day at the office. And I am fascinated by that. We're playing a lot of really high-stakes stuff on Station 19 this year. It was a great show, it's now I think going to be a great show. It's going to be slightly different by the nature of the change in the showrunner.

Is there a central theme you're exploring on Station 19? One of the themes we're working with at Station 19 is what makes a hero. We are working with a little bit of an occasional flashback motif where we take a look at what made these people want to run into fire for a living.

Which is something Grey's Anatomy viewers got to see with Ben, as he changed careers multiple times. We're going further back in Ben's past to take a look at why he became an anesthesiologist and then a surgeon and then a firefighter. What is it in his upbringing and in his nature that makes a person have that many big shifts? We know what makes a person want to be a doctor; it's celebrated culturally and financially. What makes a person want to run into fire for a living — for not a lot of money — is a really interesting question to me.

#grey's anatomy #station 19 #krista vernoff #season 16

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selkiewife · 6 years ago

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Harlots Season 3 Episode 1 Reaction

*There are spoilers below

Ahhh the opening music. Love it ha.

Okay... who are these people? Is this Josiah Hunt’s family?

Ok get it stable girl

Lady Harlot! Yessss did they make up?? Hmmm I guess?

Hey Luce. Hey new characters.

Holy shit Theon- er Alfie- Isaac is here already and face to face with my LOVING WIFE NANCY BIRCH what.

They’ve given Alfie lines to speak with his MOUTH not just his eyes! Listen up.

“Dainty Size” ha- I mean granted, she’s small but. Did she just threaten to “flay his face off??” Was that a Theon/ Ramsay call back? I doubt it. (Get out of the GOT headspace Selkie, ffs)

I’m sensing real guilt from Charlotte that she’s a bawd and isn’t just one of the girls anymore. You’ve done nothing wrong Char!

Well that’s a weird kink Lucy (licking the bald head). These men are ridiculous.

And now, Kate Fleetwood And Alfie Allen engage in the battle of the jaw lines.

Wait why are they rhyming? Oh right that’s what people did in those days for fun/ to flirt. I know this from Shakespeare. Get in there Fanny! Charlotte is so quick, damn. I want to be them.

“Not a Rogue” Isaac just said more words in this scene than Theon said in the entirety of Season 8 (I’m not ragging don’t at me- Theon said more with his eyes than everyone else combined in Season 8, so it’s fine. I’m just delighted to hear Alfie speak. In fucking RHYME. HA!)

Oh fuck... Bedlam is so horrifying. They are trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for Lydia and no one is shocked when I tell you it’s working

Charlotte and Isaac. Be still my bisexual heart. Okay but what about Lady Isabella? Well this is just work though. Also maybe they have an open relationship? Or are they even together at all? I NEED ANSWERS HARLOTS. I love how sex is always so clothed on this show- It is realistic of the time period because of the weather and cause clothes were so involved. It just always looks right- like a job and kind of unappealing. And they always get the squeaking of the bed and shit right you know? Oh wait, but they are having a moment.

This must be the brother. Hey Emily. How much time has passed here?

Did Charlotte just say she hasn’t slept with anyone since she became a bawd. So I guess her and Lady Fitz aren’t together then. But they are friendly?

What the fuck Nancy where is your birch rod?? Hold up, where is Will? No seriously, where is Will?

I love Cherry so much God.

Lydia is trying to remember a soliloquy. This is all so Shakespearean what with the rhyming and...

It’s that stable girl

Lady Fitz’ voice cracks me up tbh it’s so over the top and hushed-dramatic but I love it.

William’s in York y’all... but why?

And Alfie’s.... still rhyming... like? I am starting to have flashbacks of my past outdoor Shakespeare jobs right now and part of me is totally into that. What does that say about me really?

That woman really creeps me out... Oh but this must be the molly house plot line.

Back in Bedlam. The Shakespeare is continuing... you guys.

*makes a mental note that Lydia would be a great Alannys Harlaw for sad edits (help me chums)

I really love Harriet’s arc. omg THE THEME OF THE EPISODE IS SHAKESPEARE. Harriet’s brothel girls produce stripped down Shakespeare shows before the fucking commences. Truth though, that is my kind of brothel.

I want the backstory on why Nance wears that gold ring around her neck. Ha- Nance is just a big softie in truth. Okay a gripe though- WHY is Lucy not becoming a dom like Nance? They clearly set that up in the Season 1 finale but never went anywhere with it in Season 2- but they could now- since she is showing such dissatisfaction with her job- but instead she’s going to be a bawd? *Slams hands on table* Give me apprentice dom Lucy working through her trauma with Nancy storyline you cowards! It would be so great- they could use that storyline to give us more Nancy backstory too.

I know we aren’t supposed to like Isaac but something about him getting arrested is turning me on here. (But let’s be honest, I have to like Isaac cause it’s Alfie. I don’t have a choice. Like, I’ve been known to say that John Wick’s dog had it coming- just so we’re all on the same page here.)

Honestly I’m going to have to disagree with you Charlotte, I feel like the gibbet would have been better than Bedlam. I mean. Lydia could write self help books though I swear. Okay so it’s been a year- there was like a years jump- okay.

See, I like how they don’t just completely forget about the dead on this show. RIP Kitty. Aww I’d forgotten that Fanny named her daughter Kitty. I kind of shipped Fanny and Kitty. Now I’m really sad. They would have been a perfect little family.

Oh wow Lucy joined forces with Elizabeth and Fredo. I bet that will end well.

Okay Isaac that was completely unnecessary. Leave baby Kitty out of this. Why does Alfie always get roles where he’s like harassing babies and dogs good lord. He’s so freaking good at them though lol.

Lydia and Isabella are so Shakespearean it’s verging on camp... and I love it. Oh... Lydia. Oh man... she thinks she is going mad. Charles, ffs, you make everything worse.

“A genius with a needle.” Oh no- it’s a hanging offense- again this is not going to end well. Lucy honestly has a noose wish.

Emily wants to learn the art of commerce. Emily is a Slytherin and we stan.

I need more Nance backstory dammit.

This poor stable girl. I wasn’t listening well when she said her name. But God... poor thing.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. NANCY BIRCH CAN SING. aww she’s singing Kitty to sleep. Oh no... you’re pushing it Alf. First the dog murder, then shouting cunt to a baby, and now trying to burn Nancy and Kitty during this sweet lullaby scene. Like you really want people to hate you don’t you? (In his defense I think he thought everyone was out of the house. Still, arson is not something to be trifled with in those times Isaac... christ. They didn’t even have like firefighters right? I mean, the whole city could catch on fire...) Alfie I swear it gets harder and harder to defend your characters’ actions with each role you play. But you know what, I am not going to even try with this one and instead I’m going to go with the idea that Isaac is just the kind of villain you love to hate.

Oh Fuck you Alfie. Now I have to take back my previous statement because you’ve fucking got me with that line “this trade turns us into rats” and that look of regret. Damn you.

Nancy get out of there... How dare you use Nancy and baby Kitty in this manner, show. I am beside myself.

Charlotte says “Let it burn.” No Char. That is not the attitude. Get some water. I get it though. She still wants to be free. She really should have left with that Irish what’s his name that was so lovely. But then she wouldn’t be on the show and I’d be sad.

And we wouldn’t have Lady Fitz, which, speak of the siren... I kind of wish we had more info on what the hell happened between her and Charlotte this past year instead of this subplot with her daughter- I find myself not caring at all that her daughter is eloping. I mean, I know that there is some INTRIGUE about that but... we’ll have to see if it pays off I guess?

Final thoughts: AHHHH. I love this show. A quick search in the tag has shown me that people are unhappy? I thought it was great! But I do get what people are saying about the time jump. I found that confusing too. I also don’t think people should be concerned about Isaac ruining the Lady Harlot ship. I think that Charlotte and Fitz will be more of a slow burn and I’ve also seen speculation that Charlotte will seek shelter with Lady Fitz so maybe we will find out more about what happened with them next episode. Also, I just want to enjoy Isaac’s storyline in peace without shipping drama. (Um.. you do know you are on tumblr right selkie?) I think he is interesting, the human trashcan rhyming rogue. (And for the record I do ship Lady Harlot.)

Important Questions: Where the hell is Amelia and Violet and what happened with Amelia and Hunt? Surely they will be on next episode. A quick google search in IMDB for the cast list of the next episode has told me... absolutely nothing. So we’ll just have to wait and see. I see people freaking out that they cut them from the show. I suppose it is possible but I certainly HOPE not. I think they just had a lot to get through with this first episode. They will be on next episode. I am willing it into existence.

Ahhh, I’m so excited this show is back.

#harlots hulu #harlots #harlots season 3 episode 1 #harlots spoilers #harlots hulu spoilers #harlots reaction #kate fleetwood #nancy birch #isaac pincher #alfie allen #charlotte wells #jessica brown findlay #long post #lady isabella fitzwilliam #liv tyler #cw c slur

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