#there is so much more to talk about but i only gave a brief overview here

[writingonleaves]

i tell you that i think i'm falling back in love with you - luca fantilli

pairing: luca fantilli x original female character

warnings: swearing, slight angst, mostly fluff, like one mention of COVID, proofread maybe once, probably too many taylor swift references

word count: 9.2k

based on: "the alcott" by the national ft. taylor swift + "this love" by taylor swift. title from "the alcott"

author's note: first one ahhh!!! had this done months ago when i saw that day in the life video the umich social team posted of luca and then promptly went on a six hour plane ride and banged this out. apologies if some of the details are inaccurate — i tried my best though some are also made purposefully to fit with the narrative

*****

Melody Lin rarely talks about it. 

In the instance that it gets brought up, she just shrugs, always giving just a brief overview because there’s no point in summing up 18 years of history in a few sentences, especially when she knows if she thinks about it too much and talks about it out loud she’ll get emotional. 

Growing up in the suburbs of Toronto was the typical suburban experience. She grew up only a street and a 2 minute car ride from her best friend Shayla and even though Shayla ended up going to University of Michigan and she went to Northwestern, they remained the closest of friends. Melody’s close with the whole Gallo family to the point where she just walks in and no one bats an eye anymore. Wherever Melody is, Shayla isn’t far behind, and vice versa. 

Being close with the Gallo family means she’s been to almost every family gathering, every big family event. Everyone in their families knows the other because the two girls are so close that they’re pretty much sisters. 

Melody doesn’t even remember the day she met Luca Fantilli. 

Luca is one of Shayla’s many cousins, only two years younger than Shayla. His family lives around a 10 minute drive away, so their parents love to gather on the weekends, therefore bringing the kids close together. Age wise, it goes Shayla, then Luca two years later, then Adam and Katie, Shayla’s younger sister, are the same age. There’s other cousins, older and younger, but these four have always been close, finding themselves naturally in a group when their families get together.

That means that naturally, Melody grew up also being close with the four, coming by many weekends when the cousins gathered and being dragged into their shenanigans, from playing tag when they were kids to piling in a car to get ice cream when they were teenagers. And they loved her too. Katie loved having another older sister figure with Melody being more calm compared to Shayla. Adam loved how funny she was and how no matter how much shit they gave her, she’d brush it all off with an easy smile. 

And then Luca. Like his brother and cousins, he loved how friendly she was. During the few years they overlapped in the same school, she always said hi to him in the hallways, never treating him or his brother any differently just because they were younger. When he needed a ride, whether it was to the rink or gym or that he just wanted to get out of the house, he could always text her and she would drive him, even if she gave him flack for it. And even though she started out as just Shayla’s friend, they quickly grew to have their own friendship, texting from time to time even when he was at Kimball for two years and she went off to college. He loved how giving she was and how smart she was and how no one ever really seemed to have a bad word to say about her. He’d always light up at seeing her and looked forward to the crushing hugs she would give him, especially after a few months of not seeing each other.

Those weekends are imprinted in Melody’s brain, when the Gallo house is loud and lively and all the adults are chatting and laughing and the kids are off doing whatever they want, her and Shayla always being put in charge because they’re the oldest of the five. Sometimes there were guest stars — Shayla’s high school boyfriend, Adam’s high school girlfriend, whoever the hell Luca was dating at the time, Katie and her best friend — but it was mostly just the five of them. 

It was always Shay, Mel, Luca, Adam and Katie.

(If you ask Luca now, he probably fell in love with her back when they were teenagers, somewhere between when she would drive him and his brother home after a rough practice and let them rant and when she’d laugh so loudly by the pool during the summer that she’d snort)

(Melody obviously loved everything about Shayla, thought Adam was one of the sweetest boys she’s ever met and adored Katie like a younger sibling. But even from the start, she had a special place in her heart for Luca, with his infectious smile and his positive energy. Somewhere along the way, he stopped being just Shayla’s cousin)

That friendship strengthened when he and Adam signed a commitment to play with the Chicago Steel starting Melody’s sophomore year at Northwestern. Shayla was thankful that her best friend was there for her two younger cousins, though the two hockey players never needed anyone to look after them. Since Melody had a car and her and Shayla’s breaks often overlapped, Melody would grab Adam and Luca in Chicago and then drive through Ann Arbor to pick Shayla up as they all headed home. The drive wasn’t all that bad, especially with the company.

Somewhere during the start of her sophomore year, she and Luca confessed to each other that they had feelings towards each other and started dating. It started out well. Inbetween her classes and college commitments and his practices and games, they’d find time to see each other. It helped that they both had cars as well. 

There was this cafe / book bar place between them called The Alcott that she had discovered by a recommendation from a friend who lived around the area that wasn’t closed because of COVID. That started to become the place for them to meet. Whether she had to drag along her laptop and notebooks or not, it started to become their place. She tried to go to as many of his games as she could and he tried to come to campus to be with her, even when she was cramming for exams and couldn’t give him much attention. 

She’d feel bad during the days where she wasn’t much fun, but he didn’t care. Being in her presence was enough, he’d always say with an encouraging kiss and a promise for milkshakes after dinner as a treat before he’d have to go back to Chicago. She met his teammates and he met her college friends and they tried and tried to make it work. When the Chicago Steel won the Clark Cup, she made it a priority to go to watch the final, not having been able to go to his last regular season game and all of playoffs due to final projects and labs. At the end, she had leaned over the boards to crush Adam in a tight hug before kissing Luca sweetly.

And then two weeks after that, when summer was about to start — which should’ve been the time they would be at their best and brightest together, things started to fall apart. Though, when Melody looks back at it now, things were slowly falling apart for a bit before then. Pointed questions about what each other’s plans were for the night when they could’ve been together, weak excuses for skipping the nightly FaceTime call, just generally not as much effort from both sides. 

Even throughout it all, she still deeply cared about him. That didn’t change even during their last argument that led to their break up. 

“Mel, I don’t know what you want me to do at this point,” Luca says, pacing around her room and running his hair through his hair. 

“I don’t ask for much,” she says, biting her lip, watching him pace and trying to keep her control. “I know hockey keeps you busy. I get it. I knew what I was signing up for. But I didn’t hear from you for a week, Luca. Not a call. Not even a good morning text. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”

“I told you I was going to be busy, angel.” Even the pet name doesn’t soften her. She starts raising her voice.

“Goddammit, Luca. I know! But guess what? I’m also busy too. You think college is easy? I don’t know if I’ve slept for more than 5 hours a night this last month. But I still make the time.” 

“Do you?” His eyes flash with something she’s never seen from him before. He’s not quite yelling, but he’s not talking at a normal volume either. “When’s the last time we went out to dinner? When’s the last time before the final that you came to one of my games? Jackson asked me before the final if we were still together since he hadn’t seen you. Do you know how fucked up that is?”

“Since when the fuck do you care about what anyone has to say?”

“Since all of their girlfriends are in the stands every week!”

She flinches. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to playoffs but you told me it was okay. I didn’t know you felt that way because you don’t talk to me anymore. I can’t read your mind. I’m trying my best here.”

“You know what? I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do what?” She whispers. 

“This. Us. It’s clearly not working.”

“Luca.”

He sits down on the chair across from her and puts his head in his hands momentarily. “You’re right. We barely talk. We’re both so busy. The last thing I want is for you to resent me.”

“So that’s it?” She croaks out. 

His eyes are watery. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be, angel.”

“You’re the one making this hard!” She bites her lip and looks up to keep the tears from falling, which isn’t working because a couple tears still slip out. She fights a brief battle with herself and then deflates. “I’m always going to be your biggest supporter.”

He lets out a shaky breath. “Mel.”

“I mean it. I meant it years ago when we were kids. I mean it now. I’ll mean it forever.”

He laughs hollowly. “This sucks.” He lets out a shaky breath. “Do you think we could still be friends?”

She tries to smile. “Well, I’m still best friends with your cousin and that’s not gonna change. So I’m sure I’ll see you around.” She swallows. “I need time though, if we want to be friends in the future.”

“I get it. Yeah.” He sighs. “I’m sorry.”

She shrugs dejectedly. “I’m sorry too.”

“Can I get one more hug?”

The hug is already sad enough. The kiss in her hair has her crying into his chest. 

It was tough that summer especially, because she still wanted to spend time with Shayla and she also knew that Shayla still wanted to see Luca. But it was still too fresh, so when she knew that Luca was coming by, she avoided going to Shayla’s, which her best friend understood. She took Adam out for ice cream a couple of times, genuinely wanting to see how he was doing and catch up and everything was good and normal as they steered away from topics that were still fresh. Except during one hug as she dropped him off, where he whispered in her ear, “I know it’s too soon. I completely get it. But I know Luca would love to see you before you head back to school.”

(She doesn’t end up seeing him)

Junior year comes and goes. She has a great time despite the hours of studying for exams and the stress of classes. She makes new friends, gets closer with her old ones, collects new memories and laughs until there’s no sound coming out of her mouth. She sometimes wakes up with a hangover, but has to trudge to the library anyway to cram for a Monday morning exam. The first time she goes to The Alcott post break-up, she tries to sit in the spot by the corner and she has to leave within 5 minutes so she doesn’t have a meltdown in public.

Shayla tells her that Luca and Adam are both officially committed to play at Michigan next year, and she’s not sure if she should text them. She ends up texting them both separately right when they post on Instagram though because she’s so happy and excited and proud of them, even if Luca isn’t hers anymore.

i heard about the good news!! congrats on umich (officially)!! 

Thanks Mel!! So good to hear from you. I hope all is good at Northwestern

all’s good here! seriously, luca. i’m so proud of you. 

He simply had liked the text and it was enough for the both of them. It had to be enough. 

She tried her best to steer away from hearing about him, but it was really hard, especially when both him and Adam were doing so well in hockey and were the talk of the town, especially back home. They always had been, but nowadays it was more and more and it was bittersweet to hear. 

She didn’t come back home for the summer of her senior year, her internship leading her to New York City. And while it was sad because she couldn’t see Shayla, who herself was doing an internship in Detroit, it gave her a bit of relief that she wasn’t going to be in her hometown when a large  reason she calls it home is because of the boy who she had given her heart to. She had fun in New York, went on a couple of dates — which was the most she’s done with her romantic life since her breakup — but while her friends were living up their summers and she was cheering them on, she couldn’t shake the feeling of the younger Italian hockey player away from her mind. She hated that she couldn’t shake him off.

(You’ve been friends for almost two decades, Shayla would remind her. Of course you’re not gonna get over it quickly. There’s too much history there)

As Melody entered her senior year, she set out a goal to have fun. Work hard, of course, but also to have fun and really enjoy her last year. With parts of her college experience being interrupted by the pandemic, she felt like it was only right to give herself some time before she’d be in labs and research the rest of her life.

She still followed Luca on social media, so she saw his Snapchat stories and his Instagram posts. He looked like he was having a blast at Michigan and she honestly couldn’t have been any happier for him, even if there was always a stab of something in her heart seeing him pop up on her feed. She still drove through Ann Arbor during school breaks to pick up Shayla, and now Adam and Luca as well when they didn’t have to stay for hockey commitments. Shayla tried telling her friend that she didn’t have to, but Melody always waved her off. Luca texted her happy birthday and she did the same and she ended up crying in the shower both times. 

Shayla had convinced her to come to a Michigan vs Michigan State hockey game and Melody didn’t really have an excuse, since she was gonna drive up that morning from Northwestern to go home for winter break. She had been hesitant, not wanting to overstep but Shayla had just laughed in her face. Come to Michigan, stay the night with me, and then we’ll all head back to Ontario in the morning. Shayla had even gotten Adam and Luca to text her to convince her, with Luca’s text being the final push

Heard from Shay and Adam that you were hesitant on coming to the game. If that hesitancy is because of me, please don’t let it be. It’ll be a fun one.)

The game is fun and thrilling, just like Luca promised it would be. Melody’s met some of Shayla’s college friends before and they’re no less welcoming than they always are. After the game ends, Shayla and her are walking back to her apartment when Shayla stops. Adam just texted me, she says. They’re all at one of the hockey houses and they want to meet you. Let’s stop by. Melody stills for a moment before letting Shayla lead her in the opposite direction. She knows Shayla knows some of the guys, but she’s never met any of them and she doesn’t want to make it awkward. 

But that thought immediately goes away as Adam hugs her and spins her around as soon as they walk in, causing her to laugh and Shayla to pout playfully. Adam just rolls his eyes after setting Melody down. Shay, I see you all the time, he says. Melody gets on her tiptoes and kisses him quickly on the cheek, rolling her eyes as he playfully wipes it off. He leads them into the house and Melody’s thrown into a round of introductions and she’s a bit overwhelmed but she’s smiley and friendly and congratulates them all on the win. She’s immediately enraptured in a brief conversation with Nolan Moyle, Mark Estapa and Luke Hughes and she pretends to not see the other guys eyeing Luca with a knowing look.

Melody Lin rarely talks about it. She wonders how much Luca Fantilli does, especially since they all seem to know who she is. 

She would be the slightest bit uncomfortable, but a majority of them are younger than her and she knows how to deal with the rowdiness of hockey boys. So weirdly enough, she feels right at home, even though it’s her first time here. 

When she finally makes her way to Luca, she smiles, even if it’s a bit dimmed. She’s keenly aware of eyes on her but she tries to ignore them as she hugs him tightly, trying not to breathe in his cologne too much.

“Good game,” she mutters into his ear before pulling away. 

“Thanks, angel.” 

She kinda wants to kill him. He lost his right to call her that when he broke up with her. But she just smiles before turning to introduce herself to Ethan Edwards. 

When she pulls up to Adam and Luca’s place the next morning with a big yawn, Shayla in the seat next to her, Adam hands Shayla a hot chocolate and she’s pleasantly surprised when Luca hands her an iced coffee. She takes a sip as they dump their bags in the trunk. A latte with two pumps of vanilla syrup. He still remembers.

She hates him. She loves him. She’ll always love him

(She watches the game on her laptop and sighs sadly when Michigan’s run at the Frozen Four is cut short. She texts in the group chat consisting of Shayla, Katie, Adam, Luca and her rather than individually. 

💛💙proud of you both always

When Adam wins the Hobey Baker the day after, she immediately calls him, not expecting him to answer and ready to leave a voicemail. But he answers after two rings, and the first thing he asks is if they can switch to FaceTime. Suddenly, her screen is filled with Adam with his shades on in the Florida sun with the disgusting mullet. She just grins and congratulates him while he’s positively beaming. He shows her the trophy briefly and she hears some of his teammates yelling their greetings and she just laughs at all the chaos. She lets him go after another round of congratulations and tries not to let her smile fade when Luca comes on the screen with a wave.

Her heart aches.)

Graduation week is crazy and bittersweet and wonderful as she says goodbye to her younger friends and holds on to make some last minute memories with her best friends before her family and loved ones come to celebrate officially at the ceremony. She has dinner with her parents, her older sister Elena, Shayla and Shayla’s parents the night before her school convocation. She cheers for her friends when they walk across the stage the next morning, tries not to trip when she walks across and honestly kind of blacks out. Shespots her family in the stands purely from Shayla waving like crazy and laughs, waving back. Through all the chaos, she finds her family afterwards and pauses. 

Because there’s Luca. Dressed in a white short sleeved button down and blue jeans, hair out of a baseball cap for once and standing there with a sheepish smile, a beautiful bouquet of purple and white flowers in his hand. 

Why is he here? 

She tears her eyes away from him as she hugs her parents and sister with a big smile. She squeals as she hugs Shayla, swaying side by side, reflecting back to late April when Shayla was the one graduating and the positions were reversed.

But all she can see is Luca. You, you, you, her mind whispers. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“I didn’t know you were coming.”

He shrugs. “Wanted to surprise you.” He hugs her and she can’t help but smile being tucked into his chest. “Congrats, Mel. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks,” She mutters, blinking as he gives her the flowers. “These are beautiful. Jesus.”

“Here, let me hold something for you.” He takes her bag off her shoulder as well as her diploma out of her hands as she adjusts the three bouquets of flowers she’s gotten, trying not to crush any of them. 

“Picture time!” Melody’s mom exclaims and then there’s a flurry of smiling and picture taking and lighting and angles and every combination possible, ending with Melody and Luca.

(When her mom sends the pictures later that night, she blinks at how couply they look. There’s a particular picture where she’s laughing at something Shayla said off camera and he’s looking at her like he might still be in love with her)

They stop by her apartment briefly so they can change before they all go to dinner. Apparently, everyone else knew Luca was coming because no one bats an eye as he comes along to their dinner. She’ll have to talk to Shayla about that later. 

And it’s good, really. The conversation is easy and the food is good and she tries to ignore everytime her elbows brush against Luca’s and notes when his arm is around her chair so she doesn't lean back. They discuss the plan for the next day where Melody is just planning on packing before the all university commencement the day after. Her family is planning to explore the Chicago area while Shayla is attending another friend’s commencement at University of Chicago. When Luca’s asked of his plans, he hesitates. She doesn’t know what makes her say her next sentence, but she says it. 

“If you wouldn’t mind, I could use another set of hands to help me pack.”

His head whips to her, mouth open a little. She tries to smile assuringly. He nods. “I don’t mind.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’ll be fun.”

She snorts. “Packing is not fun ever, but I like the enthusiasm.”

The next morning, she picks him up from the hotel all of them are staying at (“I’m in a room with Shayla and it’s a nightmare. How does someone’s shit get everywhere in such a short period of time?”) and drives in the opposite direction from her apartment. It takes him a surprisingly short amount of time to realize that they’re going in the wrong direction. When he asks where they’re going, she bites her lip.

“I’m craving one last iced vanilla latte from The Alcott.”

Silence and then a small chuckle. “Are their blueberry muffins still as good?”

“Yup.”

“We gotta get some of those too then.”

And conversation is surprisingly easy. They talk about Michigan’s run to the Frozen Four and how that was cut short but what an amazing season they had, Adam’s World Championship win with Canada and his upcoming draft (she was invited months ago by Adam and the entire Fantilli family to Nashville, to which everyone but her was not surprised about), her last year at Northwestern, his first year at Michigan, and anything and everything in between. It’s so easy that it almost aches, the familiarity of The Alcott and what it means to her and what it means to them as she watches him order for the both of them and pays even though she tries to fight. She wanders over to the corner — their old spot — because she wants to savor this one more time before she has to let go. Before she has to let go of this place and this boy. Because she can’t keep him. He was never hers to begin with. 

“Do you remember when we were snowed in here?”

She turns her head to look back at him before letting out a small chuckle at the memory. “Yeah. You were panicking because you thought your game was still on and I was surprised when it was cancelled, considering it’s Chicago and they never cancel anything due to snow.”

“And then they gave out free coffee refills and you were probably the happiest person in this place, just studying and humming along or scribbling in your journal.”

“We must’ve been here for, what, 6 hours?” 

“Probably more, to be honest. Donna wouldn’t let a single person even think about driving until the storm had passed.”

She smiles, even if a bit sad. “Good times.”

He hums in agreement, and if she was looking at him and not out the window, she would notice that he’s looking at her fondly. “You’re a college graduate.”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“You’re right. It’s not, because we all knew you were always the smart one. But it is a big deal because it’s just crazy how time moves so fast.”

“How do you think I feel watching you and Adam get old and go to college? Not that you were innocent before, but Adam sent me some snapchats of your shenanigans at frat parties and sometimes I genuinely wonder how you’re alive and kicking for practice the next morning.”

“Fucking Adam. Always painting me in a bad light,” Luca scoffs, before clearing his throat. “How have you been? How do you feel?” 

She lets out something between a laugh and a sigh. “Okay, I think. Overwhelmed. Excited. Scared. Thankful. Thinking about all the stuff I have to pack.” 

“Do you have most of it done?” 

She snorts. “Absolutely not. That’s what you’re here for.” 

“Glad I could be of service.” 

She stands up with her drink. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” 

Once they get to her place, Melody puts Luca to work immediately, instructing him on which boxes to put things in as she cleans up her room. They work well together. When he’s stepping behind her to get somewhere or something, he always touches her back or elbow or shoulder gently and he doesn’t get annoyed at her indecisiveness on how to pack things, just dutifully following all her instructions. They’re about 70% done when her roommates Alison and Carey come in briefly and they meet Luca and they know exactly who he is but Melody’s thankful that they don’t let it show and gives them a meaningful look as they leave. 

By the time most of her things are packed, it’s dinner time and she suggests that they drive to another one of her favorite spots on campus to grab a bite. A little sweaty, a little exhausted, she has to stop in her tracks when he shoots her the sweetest smile, adjusting the hat on his head and washing his hands before they head out. 

And because it’s only seniors left on campus, it’s not surprising when she runs into a couple people she knows, weaving through to order and find a place to sit at the bar. More often than not she’s stopped and she introduces Luca to everyone and he’s smiling and she knows that everyone is immediately charmed because it’s Luca and that’s always been his effect on people, ever since they were kids. He’s wearing a Michigan hat and gets some chirps that he takes in stride and that make her giggle. 

(If you were to ask Luca, it makes complete sense that everyone they’ve run into has nothing but a smile on their faces. Melody’s always been able to make anyone she’s come into contact with fall in love with her) 

She heads to the bathroom at one point and when she walks back out, she sees a drop dead gorgeous blonde girl sitting where she sat and Melody’s not surprised but her heart falls a bit, watching the girl clearly flirt with him, if her body language indicates anything. She observes for a couple of seconds before taking a deep breath and walking back. She platers on the largest smile she can muster, her lips softening to a more genuine one when she sees him perk up. 

“And there she is! The reason I’m here and the star herself.”

She can’t help but chuckle. “You’re sweet.” She turns to the girl. “Hey, I’m Melody. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Connie. Nice to meet you too. You graduated this weekend too?”

“Yup. You?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, congratulations.”

“Congratulations to you as well.”

Connie turns to Luca and Melody tries her best to not roll her eyes. “It was nice to meet you, Luca. I hope Melody gives you a proper tour of Evanston.”

“Best tour guide there is,” Luca responds easily, and Connie slips out of her chair with one last smile before Melody sits back in her seat. “Cool it with the death glare.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Uh huh.” 

She takes a sip of her coke, determinedly staring at his water. “You can flirt with anyone you want.” 

“She was flirting. I wasn’t flirting back.” 

“That doesn’t sound like you,” she tries to tease lightly. “I’m sure girls fall at your feet at Michigan.” I know what that’s like, she thinks to herself. “Speaking of, anyone I should know about? Just so I can prepare myself for when I get jumpscared when I take you out for ice cream.” 

“First of all, that’s an Adam move. And nope. No one’s caught my eye.” 

“No?” 

“No.” 

“Surprising.” 

He shrugs. 

She hums, letting it go and steering towards safer conversation topics. 

In the car on the way back to the hotel, she gets the courage.

“Luca.”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you break up with me?”

A sharp inhale. The words linger in the air. She grips her steering wheel. 

“I don’t know.”

Silence. A disbelieving scoff. 

“Thanks, Luca.”

“No, no. Give me a second. I truly mean it, especially now looking back. At the time I thought it was what was best so that we would stay friends and not grow to hate each other, but when I think about it more and more, that reasoning is shit so I don’t know anymore. You deserved better.”

(Honestly, it’s probably good that they’re hashing this out now. She was far too nice to him two years ago.)

“If I deserved better why didn’t you do better?” She whispers. “Luca, you didn't even give me a chance to fix it.”

“I know. I know. I panicked and I ran and I lost you.”

“You’ve never lost me. I’m best friends with your cousin. I’ve driven you and Adam to and from school. I’m still here. The last thing I wanted to do that night was break up. You practically jumped at the chance..”

“But I lost you in the way it mattered.” He reaches over to grab her hand and she doesn’t pull away. He takes that as a good sign. “I fucked it all up, didn’t I? All this time we could’ve been together but we weren’t because I just ran away.”

“Why did you break up with me?” She repeats stoically.

“I guess, I guess I got it into my head that you deserve so much better than me. I mean, I was playing junior hockey and you were at fucking Northwestern and you’ve always been so much smarter than I am which I love, don’t get me wrong. You are so, so beautiful and kind to everyone and generous and you’ve literally been there for me since forever and… I just felt like I was holding you back and you deserve better and-“ 

“It’s not your choice to determine what I think I deserve,” she says firmly. “If you had just talked to me about it…Luca. All I wanted was for you to talk to me that night. And the few weeks before. I loved you for who you were, junior hockey and all or whatever the fuck else you said. Do you forget that we grew up together? I’ve seen it all, and I’ve stuck by you because I loved you.” 

He takes a deep breath. “Do you know why no one’s caught my eye at Michigan?” 

She freezes, having a feeling what the answer is but hoping it isn’t true (or hoping it is true). “Why?” 

“Because the only girl who I see myself with is in Chicago.” 

She swallows roughly. “You can’t just say that shit, Luca. It’s not fair.” 

“I know, I know. I just-I…I’m sorry. I know I’m not being fair. I just…I miss you. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was coming to your graduation but I couldn’t miss it. I really am so proud of you. I’ve always been your biggest fan.”

She stops at a red light and looks at him. “I hated you for a bit.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“But looking back, I don’t think I ever hated you. I was just sad and heartbroken.”

He squeezes his eyes shut. He had always vowed to himself that he would never hurt her. The light turns green and she drives again. 

She speaks up again. “Everyone always told me time is the best thing after a breakup. I didn’t know what they meant until I did. And seeing you got easier everytime, and I still wanted the best for you, even if I wasn’t the one by your side anymore. I still do. But at the same time, I wanted to forget you.”

“Would you consider trying again?”

“Luca-”

“I, just hear me out. I fucked up. I know that. God, I knew that the second I walked out of your place that night. I love you. I still love you. And I know I’m being unfair about all of this. But I just…my life is so much better with you by my side. I’ve realized that more than ever these last two years. And if you don’t feel the same way anymore, I get it. We can keep being friends or I can give you space if you want…whatever you need. I just had to say it. I love you. I can’t really see myself ever stopping, to be honest.”

In the middle of his little speech, she had pulled into the hotel and parked, killing the engine. It’s silent for a few moments as she mulls over his words. 

“You really hurt me, Luca. I don’t know if I love you anymore.” His face starts falling, but she quickly continues. “But I think I could. Love you again, I mean. Maybe. But it has to be different this time.” He perks up but she holds up a hand and he listens. “We need to communicate better. We have to talk through our problems when they come up, not run away from them. We can’t just sweep things under the rug.”

“Deal.”

“I’m gonna be working in Chicago and you’re gonna be in Ann Arbor. The distance is still gonna be like before. We’re probably gonna be away from each other more than we’re together.”

“Worth it,” a soft smile appears on his lips. “Congratulations, by the way. On the job. I don’t know if I mentioned it yet.”

“Thank you,” she looks down at her hands. She sighs. “I wanted us to work the first time. I really did. God, Luca. You’re one of the most important people in my life.”

“I’m gonna try so hard to be someone that you deserved the first time and that you deserve now.”

She smiles a bit sadly at that. “All you need to be is yourself. That’s all I ask.”

“Deal.”

“I know things are kinda busy coming up, with your cousin’s wedding and Adam’s draft and me going on my trip. But, uh, maybe we can go on a date when I’m back? If it isn’t too late.”

“It’s never too late when it comes to you,” Luca says. “I’d love that.” He leans in to kiss her cheek. 

“Come on. I’ll walk you up to your room.”

Things still don’t quite fall into place after that weekend. The next time she sees Luca is when she comes to Nashville for the draft. Luca’s been beaming all day, extremely proud of his brother, but it doesn’t compare to the feeling he felt earlier when Melody and Shayla walked out of their hotel room, Melody wearing a blue satin jumpsuit and looking as stunning as ever. When she greeted him with a hug, he planted a brief kiss in her hair and watched fondly as she embraced Adam, straightening out his collar and placing a sweet kiss on his cheek, muttering some words to him that only those two could hear, Adam closing his eyes and nodding as she smiled. Luca knows how much her being here means to Adam.

(Only close family knew that on Adam’s vest on the back are the names of the important people in his life. When he takes off the suit jacket to show Shayla and Melody, the former beams while the latter starts sniffling. Both so proud of him. Both honored to be on his back in cursive. And Luca just hands her a tissue when she sees a particular picture on the inside of his jacket of the four of them when they were younger at the beach. It’s one of her favorites. It means so much.)

She cries when Adam gets picked third overall to the Columbus Blue Jackets and squeezes Shayla’s hand in excitement as Adam walks onto the stage. Afterwards when she sees him, she practically leaps onto him and squeezes him so tight as he spins her around. 

(“Oh, Adam,” she says with a sniffle. “I’m so, so proud of you. Congratulations.”

“Thanks, Mel.” He says into her shoulder. “Thank you for everything. Everything.”

She pulls away but can’t help herself and hugs him again. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” he says as she backs away, biting her lip while placing her hands on his cheek.)

She’s then traveling with a couple friends around Europe and he’s in Pittsburgh for a few days for development camp before hanging out with friends and training. They text semi-frequently but she’s abroad and having fun and he respects that. He’s trying to figure out how to show her that he’s serious about the second chance she’s given him while trying not to overstep. 

When he picks her up from Toronto Pearson Airport in mid July, it’s 7 am and she looks and feels like shit. But she comes out of Arrivals and immediately sees Luca waving, big smile on his face, a Michigan shirt on, a hat flipped backwards on his hair and a bouquet of carnations in his hands, looking at her like she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. She hugs him, taking the flowers with a smile as he grabs her duffle from her shoulder. Whether from exhaustion or simply because she’s missed him in more ways than she’d like to admit, she leans into his side as they walk out of the airport and into the parking lot and he immediately responds by putting an arm around her shoulder and pressing a kiss on her forehead. 

It’s so easy to fall back into rhythm with him, as she just admires him while he’s driving, too tired at the moment to recount her travels. Once they get off the highway, he puts the windows down and opens the skylight and there’s a pang of deja vu as he turns up the music a bit, humming along to some country tune. He slows down in front of Betty’s Diner and she furrows her eyebrows. 

He smiles, stopping the engine. “I’m gonna go in real quick and grab some food, okay? Told Betty you were coming back today and she insisted on cooking you your favorite. I convinced her to put it in a to-go box but I promised her we’d come back to eat in at some point.”

Melody’s heart practically melts at the thoughtfulness. “Thanks, Lu.”

(He almost trips over himself getting out of the car. She hasn’t called him Lu in so long)

Luca’s house is empty, as Adam is training and his parents are both at work. Melody takes a quick shower to wash off the grime of the plane and when she comes out — in a UMich shirt and sweats she has to roll up that he laid out— the breakfast is all heated up on plates, the bouquet of flowers he gave her still wrapped but in a cup of water so they don’t die. Luca turns around at the sound of footsteps and something flashes through his eyes at the sight of her wearing his clothes again but he shakes himself out of it, instead just sliding a plate towards her. She slumps down on the kitchen island and thanks him with a hum before diving in. 

Once she’s full and Luca’s taking all the plates and washing them before she can even blink, she speaks up. “Is this the date?”

“No,” he admits. “I figured I’d give you a couple of days to get over the jetlag before taking you out for real. I just, I wanted to do something nice.”

She wipes her lips with a napkin. “Not that I don’t appreciate all of this, because I do, but what…why?”

“You gave me a second chance. I’m not gonna waste that chance.” His eyes widen in fear. “I-I’m sorry if I’m overwhelming you or being too forward. I-if you wanna go home or to Shayla’s, I can drop you off or-”

She smiles slightly. “Relax, Luca.” He blinks. It’s times like this he remembers that she’s two years older and much more level headed than he is. “I was just curious. You don’t have to do this all for me, you know?”

“I want to,” Luca replies simply. “Making up for lost time, I guess.”

“Then come over and finish up these waffles for me,” she says with a small smile, laughing when he barrels over and inhales them. 

After breakfast, he can tell she needs sleep even if she won’t admit it. So he puts on Abbot Elementary and puts an arm around her shoulder as she leans into him on the couch. Halfway through the episode, she’s fallen asleep on his chest and he just smiles, staring down at her. He very carefully turns the volume down and shifts so that they’re both more in a comfortable position. 

(When Adam comes back from training, he walks into the sight of his older brother and someone who might as well be his older sister cuddling, both asleep with Abbot Elementary still playing. He turns the TV off and tosses a blanket over them, staring at them both thoughtfully before heading to his room)

They do end up going on a date a couple days later. Luca picks her up at the door of her childhood home, waves to her mom and dad and gives her another bouquet of flowers (daisies this time). He then drives them to a nearby park that she hasn’t been to in at least 5 years and then pulls out a picnic basket of sandwiches, fruit, pasta salad, chips and cans of seltzer. She blinks as he lays it all out, because he’s really pulling out the stops and she has to stop herself from just leaning in and kissing him. 

And the conversation between them is, yet again, so easy, reminding her of one of the many reasons she always liked him, even before they started dating. Their ability to bounce off of each other and talk about practically everything isn’t something that she’s been able to replicate with anyone else quite yet. There are some instances where they slip into some dangerous territory, but they successfully steer away from it. Those are conversations that need to be had, but not today.

For awhile, especially after their breakup, Melody had only fixated on their differences, with his hockey and party life at Michigan and her research and much tamer college life at Northwestern. But during that picnic, laying down with her head on his lap, she had a realization that they were similar in many ways she hadn’t thought about before — their love for Toronto, their distaste for judgemental people, their passion for leaving an impact, the way they love their friends and family, their love for music.

(It probably only took that date for Melody to fall in love with Luca again, but she would never admit that to herself)

They book a last minute trip to Seattle in late July— it’s purely because Melody found tickets to Taylor Swift last minute that were a reasonable price. She would’ve taken Shayla, but she already saw Taylor in Detroit two days before Melody’s graduation. So the couple hike some trails, eat some good food and have a blast at Taylor Swift. 

(During ‘Fearless,’ which is one of Melody’s favorites, she’s hyper emotional, feeling Luca’s hands around her waist and him singing softly into her ear. He must also remember all the times she played this in the car growing up. During ‘Love Story,’ which is Luca’s favorite, she swears the stadium is shaking and it’s such a wonderful feeling to be a part of something like this. In the middle of the second chorus, she looks back at him with a smile, and he kisses her probably too deeply for what’s considered proper in public. But she can’t care less. And when he sings the last four lines to her in her ear, it feels something like a promise.)

He drives down with her to Chicago mid-August to help her move into her new apartment with a mutual friend from college who’s coming in September. Just like when he helped her move out, he doesn’t complain once. But this time, inbetween moving boxes, he puckers his lips and gets a kiss. The moment she realizes that she’s in her new home for the foreseeable future is when she’s placing some framed pictures around in her room, this particular one being of Shayla, Adam, Luca, Katie and her at the draft just under two months before. She doesn’t have that many framed pictures around, but this one was important to her to have up. She sets it down on the desk and just looks at it, even as Luca comes up to hug her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder.

Shayla’s off to Houston for her job, Adam is off to Columbus to play in the NHL, Luca’s going back to Ann Arbor to do what he loves, Katie is going back to UCLA for her second year and she’s starting her job in Chicago. 

All five of them doing what they love, excited for the future, grateful for the past. And doing it together, even if they’re all in different states. 

He stays with her for a couple of days before heading back to Michigan. That goodbye sucks in particular, as she clings onto him. She’s trying so hard not to let tears fall, but when he softly mutters that he loves her (the first time he’s said those words since they decided to try again), the waterfall starts and she just sobs into his chest as he quietly whispers sweet nothings and rubs her back, kissing her hair and face and fingers and whispering that they’ll see each other in no time — which isn’t true. She has no idea when she’ll be able to get some time off as a new employee and he’s not gonna have that much time to spare once hockey season officially starts. 

(She doesn’t say it back yet, something inexplicable holding her back. But as he kisses her soundly at the airport before heading through security, she knows she does)

As she’s driving to Ann Arbor in December it takes her an embarrassingly long time to realize why it feels like deja vu.

Last year around this time, she made this exact same drive to see a game against the exact same team. Except this time, it’s different. Adam isn’t there. Shayla isn’t there. The team is different. Her and Luca are different. 

And as she’s driving to Ann Arbor, she knows she has to let him know. She has to let him know she loves him. 

This is only the third time she’s seen him since he helped her move in August. She would be lying if she said it hasn’t been tough and there haven’t been moments where she wonders if it’s worth it. But then her phone lights up, signaling a text from him or food she didn’t order ends up at her doorstep or she watches streams of UMich games and watches him score and then she’s reminded that she made the right choice in giving Luca a second chance. 

She loves watching hockey. She loves watching Luca play hockey. 

She got the number of Maggie, Kienan’s girlfriend, from Luca because she would only be able to make it to Michigan right before the game started, and Maggie was more than happy to lead her inside with her media pass and introduce her to some of the other significant others before she’d actually have to get back to work. It was a bit weird, being one of those significant others and being a bit older, but she was a college student up until June, so it’s not like she feels completely out of place.

She parks outside of Yost and texts Maggie, who directs her on which door to walk to. After an enthusiastic hug, she leads Melody through the back way into the arena, saying that the boys are already on the ice for warmups and that everyone is excited to meet her (“We’ve heard so much about you, from Luca and even from Adam last year, so we’re all really excited to meet you.”) 

She gets introduced to Ellie and Kayleigh, Jacob and Rutger’s girlfriends respectively, and they’re so peppy and excited and nice that she doesn’t feel as nervous as she sits down as they immediately want to get to know more about her. They have decent seats, so she can see some of the players’ expressions if she looks hard enough. She immediately spots 63 and just smiles before turning back to the girls, not wanting to distract him from warmups, even though she finds herself eyeing him while talking. It isn’t until one of the guys, Ethan, if she remembers his number correctly, nudges Luca and nods in their direction does she smile and give a small wave. Even from this far, she sees him light up and wave back before focusing on warming up again. 

The game, like any Michigan vs Michigan State one, is chippy, loud and exciting. She’s watched so many of Luca and Adam’s games growing up, yet she still finds herself nervously playing with her sleeves. Michigan ends up winning 2-1 and everyone’s in happy spirits as they leave the arena. She bids farewell to the girls and thanks them for letting her sit with them before Maggie’s back to lead her towards the locker room to meet up with Luca.

She waits patiently outside of the locker room with Maggie, just chatting casually, smiling when Kienan comes out and they embrace. Melody gives him a hug as well. The next guys to come out are Mark, Ethan and Seamus, who she remembers from last year and they all give her hugs before she wishes them a good holiday break. She tells them that they don’t have to stay and they all wave her off. (“Are you kidding? I’m not missing this reunion. Luca’s been talking about seeing you non-stop for forever.” Ethan jokes.)

They don’t have to wait long, as Luca’s the next one to come out. His cheeks are a bit flushed and he’s dressed in her favorite suit of his. His eyes dart all over until they meet hers. He immediately shrugs off his backpack and lifts Melody up in a hug. She lets out a little squeal and laughs as he spins her around.

“Hi.” She mutters into his shoulder. 

“Hi angel.” He pulls away and kisses her twice. “I missed you.”

She pulls back and runs a hand through his hair with a light smile. “Missed you. Good game.” She looks beyond his shoulder to see the rest of his teammates smiling or smirking, some she recognizes, others she doesn’t. She detaches herself from him and nudges him. “Introduce me to your teammates.”

He groans playfully. “Do I have to?”

She rolls her eyes and smiles at the boys warmly. “Hi. I’m Melody, if we haven’t met.” She gives everybody a quick hug as the freshmen introduce themselves, laughing when Dylan wiggles her around. 

Everyone’s a bit tired, so within 10 minutes, everyone’s saying goodbye and leaving the arena. She insists on driving Seamus, Rutger and Gavin since they all live together. When they get back, she’s helping him fold clothes to bring back to Toronto for break as he sits back on his bed, one hand behind his head and just looking at her. She’s grown out her hair and got a perm as a treat to herself after her first paycheck. And she had FaceTimed him immediately after she walked out of the salon, but seeing it in person is something entirely different. Still donned in his MIchigan crewneck that mysteriously disappeared from his closet over the summer and a yellow bow in her hair, she’s wearing flannel pajama pants now instead of jeans and folding a pair of his jeans before tossing it into his duffle and zipping it up. Luca’s suddenly overwhelmed by how blessed he is. 

The next morning, after brunch at one of Luca’s favorite spots around campus, when they’re at the start of their drive back to Toronto and at a long stoplight, she remembers. 

“Hey, Lu?” 

“Hm?” He immediately looks at her and places a kiss on the back of her hand that he’s been holding. 

“I love you.”

Luca’s eyes light up and she bites her lip so she doesn’t grin like a crazy woman. “Yeah?” He breathes out.

“Yeah. I love you.”

He leans to press a sweet kiss on her lips and then her cheek, and mutters against her skin. “I love you, angel. So much. Always have. Always will.”

And she chuckles under her breath when she tunes into what song is playing through the speakers of her car. 

This love came back to her, indeed.

[satureja13]

Saiwa stirred a few times during the night, antsy to go back to his computer to search for Tiny Can, but Jeb didn't losen his arms around him. As promised. Even though it's weird to not see Sai's reflection in the mirror - and his froathy toothbrush hovering in the air, Jeb couldn't be happier. He was craving Sai's return back to their home. Standing here in his bathroom, brushing his teeth together with Kiyoshi, just wasn't the same. Jeb wished Sai would move in with him. But he knows Sai wouldn't want this. No matter how much he loves Jeb, Sai needs his freedom - and alone time.

And before Sai even bothered to get dressed, he ran over to the Corner Store, to call Rubyn over their only connection to the mundane world - their Post Office Device. Maybe she has an idea how to track down the tin can. After their fruitless search in the Otherworld, it was clear that Tiny Can had managed to leave somehow. So he must be in the Muggle World.

And after Sai gave Rubyn a brief overview about what happened, Rubyn offered to order a few upgrade parts for her devices so they should be able to find a signal of Tiny Can. This would take her a few days, but then the Boys could come over and help her setting everything up and track down the fugitive Astromech. Rubyn also asked Sai to bring along their Therapy Game Server. Some components would be useful since Tiny Can had been connected with the server they installed in the basement to run the game.

And while Sai was chatting with Rubyn, the Post Office Device was already busy sending their produce over to the mundane world, so Noxee could sell them. The Boys urgently need to make money. To pay for their school fees and for Rubyn's help - again... Eventually Jack called Sai for breakfast, but he wasn't hungry. Where are they supposed to get all that money from?

He talked about his worries to the others. It took them months to pay back the last loan. And now they have two big expenses to cover.

But Vlad reassured him. Their produce, crafted in the Otherworld, sell at top prices among creatures all over the worlds. No one can stay here for longer, let alone craft something, so anything from the Otherworld is precious - and of high value. And while Jack, Ji Ho and Sai lived at the Beach House to develop the Therapy Game, Vlad, Jeb and Kiyoshi worked hard and made enough money to pay back the last loan. They'd even been able to put a good amount aside.

Sai was relieved. This would be enough to buy the components Rubyn mentioned and athena already agreed to give them the loan for their school fees. Phew, finally a silver lining at the horizon! Sai's appetite was back and he enjoyed having breakfast all together back at their home. He looked lovingly at his friends. They have a few days now until they'll have to leave for the muggle world to meet Rubyn, so Vlad and Ji Ho have at least some time to recover between teleporting them around...

And so they seized the days with work. There had been lots and lots of inspiration over the last weeks. Whenever he had time to breathe, Ji Ho scribbled down and recorded ideas for songs, so he was able to finish a few in the short amount of time they have. And now, that he is in contact with his feelings again, his songs have more emotional impact and hit deeper. He does not even need to put any of his Siren's Song magic in them to achieve this.

Vlad was writing and painting. Also with fresh ideas for his novels and stories. And now that Ji Ho is finally able to love him, his paintings are much brighter and more meaningful. And whenever Ji Ho needed a break to sort the creative overflow in his head, he did the chores. More often than not, he ended up in Vlad's room. Which made Vlad smile contently, and his fingers flew over the keys with new inspiration and confidence.

Jack and Kiyoshi worked happily in their wine and cheese shop. Both, nectar and cheese, age well here in the Otherworld and develop an unique taste that is nowhere else to be found. And, as we see in the pic below, they are crafted with love.

The fresh, organic produce from their garden and greenhouse made the nectar and Jeb's potions even better.

Jeb mastered his jewelry skill and with the metals and crystals he found in the Otherworld, he crafted the most wonderous enchanted jewelry.

And Sai kept in touch with Rubyn. They are working on the program to track down the tin can... Let's just hope they find Tiny Can and give the money - he somehow stole - back before someone finds out what happened o.o

'Look into my eyes you will see What you mean to me Search your heart, search your soul And when you find me there, you'll search no more Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for You know it's true Everything I do, I do it for you, for you, yeah Look into your heart you will find There's nothin' there to hide Take me as I am, take my life I would give it all, I would sacrifice Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more You know it's true Everything I do, I do it for you, yeah There's no love like your love And no other could give more love There's nowhere unless you're there All the time, all the way Look into your heart babe

No You can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for Just can't help it, there's nothin' I want more Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for you Walk the wire for you, yeah, I'd die for you You know it's true Everything I do, ooh, yeah, I do it for you, yeah'

Everything I do - Bryan Adams

Outtakes

Kumo's combat training with the goat dummy ^^'

From the Beginning 🔱 Underwater Love 🔱 Latest

Current Chapter: starts ▶️ here Last Chapter: 'Here comes the Sun' from the beginning ▶️ here

📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 23-28

[intersexbookclub]

Discussion summary: Trans-Intersex studies

On 2023-09-29 we met to discuss our first foray into academic intersex studies! We read three chapters from Transgender and intersex: Theoretical, practical, and artistic perspectives, edited by Stefan Horlacher (2016).

Overall reactions:

Dimitri: I liked there were perspectives I don't normally think about or see

Elizabeth (@ipso-faculty): I found the Costello chapter really useful because I've wondered why there isn't more trans and intersex connections and this explained it for me

Michelle (@scifimagpie): it tapped into and articulated a larger strain in the queer community “the people who want to have a gender” vs “the people who want to destroy gender, there is a fundamental struggle in that can only be dealt with through tolerance and acceptance

vic: multiple chapters make clear that intersex is made by doctors. This thing happens when you give birth and you don't know what to do and conveniently there’s someone confidently giving you a (usually really bad) answer…  we're foisting off this thing that doctors aren't trained to deal with it properly plus have medical arrogance

Connections to Disability Studies

Though the book was intended to get intersex studies and trans studies in dialogue, we made many connections to disability studies throughout the discussion.

Elizabeth: The book talks about the dynamic that the doctors are the ones who socially construct intersex, which is similar to how doctors contribute to the social construction of disability. 

Elizabeth: And also how in our society, when it comes to who is listened to most on disability/intersex, doctors come first, followed by parents, and it's those of us actually affected who come last (disability/intersex)

Michelle: it was interesting to see the arguments against eugenic abortion… The amount of eugenicist propaganda that's still around in our society, the text addressing the fact that people would abort an intersex foetus didn't surprise me but did alarm me

Elizabeth: Coming from disability studies I felt the question of who is/isn't intersex isn't actually a productive question, in DS we posed those questions for a minute before realizing it's not productive, to instead focus on ableism

Dimitri spoke about the idea of seeing your body as a garden that you tend to, rather than a machine to be fixed, and how it’s been a helpful framing

Michelle: one thing about accepting my intersex identity is that my body isn't broken for having a hormonal imbalance and it's just a way of being

The social and medical models of disability were invoked by Costello in chapter 4, to show contrasting models of intersex (social vs medical) and transness (social vs medical).

-=-=-

Chapter 1: Introduction by Stefan Horlacher, Pages 1-27. 

This chapter gave a brief overview of the state of trans studies and intersex studies, and the motivation for putting these two research areas into dialogue. 

We didn’t talk much about this chapter.

Elizabeth: I personally learnt a new word, repronormativity, from this chapter! Per Wiktionary, it refers to the “assumption that all humans want to have children, especially within the context of a monogamous heterosexual relationship”

vic rather aptly described it as “so GERMAN”

-=-=-

Chapter 4: Intersex and Trans* Communities: Commonalities and Tensions by Cary Gabriel Costello, Pages 83-113

This chapter reports on a sociological study of trans and intersex communities on Second Life, noting commonalities as well as tensions between and within the communities. 

Everybody found this the easiest chapter of the three to read lol 😅

vic: “I really appreciated the breadth of voices that were included. The author clearly has an argument, but still lets people speak. Like with the person who said ‘I'm not intersex’ and the author was like ‘this could come from fragile masculinity’, it was neat.”

Costello’s conceptual framework

To understand both intersex and trans communities, Costello employs a framework which differentiates a:

Medical framework, in which being intersex/trans is framed as “as a biological problem: a physical lack, superfluity, or malfunction” (p98). While Costello doesn’t use the word “truscum”, this is how many of us are used to referring to people who understand transness through this lens.

Identity framework, in which being intersex/trans is “framed as social in nature: social stigma is directed toward those who are in some way physically variant.”

An important insight of this study was that to understand the relationship between the trans and intersex communities, you have to realize there are four communities at play, not two:

Medical framework trans people (truscum)

Identity framework trans people

Medical framework intersex people 

Identity framework intersex people (who are the only ones who use DSD)

And as Dimitri summarized, “the tensions [between the communities] arise in the disorder framework, a lot of the problems lie in the disorder framework, and it's pretty important to make that separation”

In Costello’s study, anti-trans sentiment was linked to the intersex-as-disorder framework 

Costello writes about how the majority of intersex people are trained from birth to employ the disorder framework, which can easily result in anti-trans sentiment. Many intersex people are raised in a way where the slightest gender deviance is punished, and feel threatened by gender deviance. 

Multiple people noted how the intersex participant “Anna” from Costello’s study had misplaced anger at trans people, that it’s unfair to blame trans people for trans fetish porn when trans people have such difficulty getting conventional employment, and that the demand by cis & perisex people is more at issue

Elizabeth: so many intersex people are told they're intersex by a doctor and that they're disordered and the doctor will fix them so they're not given any community because the doctor is like "I'll fix you" and people are just used to the disorder framework because that's what they've only ever seen.

vic: Yeah, being born visibly intersex getting framed as a medical emergency

Elizabeth: really liked the dig that the shame of the parent comes above everything else

Dimitri: many parents don't know what's going on when their intersex baby is born and they're kinda pressured into the surgeries…  the parents might have veered to a more neutral stance on their own, maybe they have some hesitance about having a kid being different, that the surgeries are such a pile-on by everyone around them.... the parents of the kids need their own support, what do the parents need or could have had to make them not make those choices

Similarly, intersexism from trans people was linked to the trans-as-disorder framework

Costello discusses how many disorder-framework trans participants made statements along the lines of wanting to be intersex, or have an “intersex variation of the mind”, mistakenly thinking that this means they may be entitled to free gender affirming therapy (it actually makes it harder to access gender affirming therapy).

Costello explains why this sort of sentiment from trans people is poorly received by intersex people: “It alienates intersex people employing the identity framework by working against their mission to recast physical sex variance as diversity rather than disorder. It alienates intersex people employing the disorder framework by implying that trans-identification [...or] gender-confusion should characterize the intersex person. And the stories told by some trans* people employing the disorder framework about having an impossible intersex history angels intersex people of all camps.” (p107)

Michelle: To be intersex is to have a medicalized gender, and how any gender nonconformity is medicalized… it makes sense why so many trans people would cling onto a misunderstanding of intersex

Michelle: the medicalization of being transgender and you need surgery to fix a flaw in your brain, and the medicalization of intersex, they both need an anti-eugenics approach of let people be a little broken/different

Elizabeth: as a disabled intersex person it's been confusing that trans people would want medicalization like they don't know how terribly medicalized ppl are treated, and the chapter helped me realize they are already medicalized and they're trying to get a more "legitimate" medicalization rather than realizing they’re trying to play a rigged game

vic: transness is medicalized, too–the diagnosis is gender dysphoria and the treatment is transitioning. Also transitioning is only seen as a viable treatment because literally everything else doctors did to “cure” trans people didn’t work (they tried *so* many things). Trans people treating medicalization as something that’s desirable sucks, but I feel so deeply for anyone who was put in a place where that seems like their only option–people who feel like their only way forward is to claim things that don't make any sense. They're like “please, I'll do anything, I'll lie out of my ass, help me”. Those poor people!! And, of course, they also cause harm. It's all so sad. 

Criticisms of Costello’s chapter:

Elizabeth: I felt a weakness was not talking about the hypervisibility of trans people vs the invisibility of intersex people. Like trans people who have huge platforms to talk about gender stuff and should know better than to perpetuate perinormative ideas about sex.

vic: transmascs tend to really minimize our own difficulties. We're not well studied, and when we are, the data consistently shows we have the worst outcomes of any gender (in things like health, mental health, employment…). Disheartening to see Costello buy into it at times.

-=-=-

Chapter 5: Transgender and Intersex: Unavoidable Essentialism and the Normative Struggle for Recognition by Sebastian Jansen, Pages 115-140

High level notes

This chapter makes the argument that it’s impractical, if not impossible, to avoid essentialism of some form when theorizing about sex/gender, and so academic gender studies scholars should spend less time trying to avoid essentialism and focus more on improving the material circumstances for intersex, trans & LGBA+ individuals.

vic: I think they were saying that we can't do it because it can't be done without throwing trans & intersex people under the bus

Elizabeth: ch5 was how I realized that in the social [identity] model of intersex where we see intersex as a natural variation it is essentialism and I'm okay with it thanks to this chapter

We all agreed this was a challenging read. As vic put it: “it was very ‘as you know’ and I didn't know”, and that the author was probably nervous about writing it.

Jansen’s chapter got us talking about the nature of gender

Michelle and vic talked about how finding out truth about gender is building houses on shifting sand

Michelle: I liked the stairwell metaphor [that female is one level of a building, male is another level, and there’s a stairwell in between]... I don't like the idea of female and male in opposition, they are categories, you can be both/neither/change

Elizabeth: I did like how ch5 talked about how gender isn't just a thing in your brain, it's made through interactions of people interpreting your gender in interactions and they didn't talk about euphoria and I think gender euphoria is that feeling of people seeing you for the gender you are

Michelle: [Judith Butler’s]  gender as conversation reminded me of how art and research are forms of conversation... is gender a form of art?? [we then spent some time talking about this]

Elizabeth: I like the idea that gender should be like hair colour - it's there, you can change/experiment with it, it affects how people see you, but we don't organize society around it and I agree that's a good goal

vic: my gender is contextual - it's different depending on whether in an arts context vs. in interacting with landlord, etc

vic: in War & Peace there are four pages spent describing the beauty of a woman with a moustache–Tolstoy waxes quite poetic about how beautiful & beauty-enhancing her moustache is.

Elizabeth: yeah so many cultures see women's mustaches and/or unibrows as beautiful and hate how current Western culture hates hair

Elizabeth: yeah it's SO RECENT the idea that women shave legs, the Gillette company had saturated the men's market and convinced women that their hair is bad

A main critique of Jansen’s chapter was how it only considered Western perspectives

Elizabeth: ch5 was so Western, based on a mind/body dualism and I wanted there to be a discussion of other cultural constructions, like in cultures without mind/body dualism from what I can tell it's often that trans and intersex are not separated. 

We then spent some time talking about different cultural ideas about sex/gender such as Two-Spirit and hijra, and the intense medicalization of transness in Russia

Dimitri described how Russian/Slavic culture is big on repressing any kind of sexuality, and being queer is deeply tied to perversion, which kicked off a discussion of Left Hand of Darkness

Elizabeth: another reason I wanted postcolonial stuff was it'd be useful to have strategic essentialism discussed (Spivak), which seems really relevant to a discussion of essentialism.

Overall we were all glad we got to give our brains some exercise, and we’ll be reading more intersex studies in November! 😅 Join us for a discussion of Holmes’ Critical Intersex on Nov 24.

[notquitejiraiya]

I just finished reading GM from start to finish, couldn't put it down! It's brilliant and I'm so invested in the world you've built. What was your inspiration for it?

Thank you so so much! 🥹 ♥️ Hearing you enjoyed it means the absolute world, thank you! And thanks also for asking about what inspired it — although, be warned: you’ve just opened a can of worms I’m not sure how to re-seal haha.

My inspirations for GM are an amalgamation of things more than I can even begin to put down on paper without writing thousands of words. But I’ll try to be concise, first, and ramble later, to spare you the time.

A very brief overview:

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Chess (1984)

Judit Polgár — arguably the strongest female chess player to ever live

Obsession and love, and how perfectly that ties in with sport and competition

the lovely @unioncolours, for a thousand different reasons

If you’d like details, see below. You’ve been warned: it’s long and rambly, but I love my fic and I love to talk about it so… without further ado:

When it comes to the world and time setting of GM, I owe a lot to The Darjeeling Limited. That film inspired me to write Strangers, which in turn inspired me to write GM. When writing Strangers, all I had in mind was that Temari and her husband needed to have a lot of money and be public figures of some kind to fund this trip and fuel Kankuro’s annoyances with her. To fulfil that, it made sense to me for Shikamaru to be a chess player and a very good one at that. I’ve discussed this before, so I’ll link the post where I better explained it, but from then on, it just made sense to me that she was also in the same profession, albeit a different type of player. When I thought of it, I thought of her like Judit Polgár, aggressive and unafraid, groundbreaking and leaps and bounds above all other women at her time.

GM kind of came about because I wanted to reason with myself why Temari was the way she was in Strangers. In that fic, I tried to evenly distribute the focus on all three siblings, but I do feel that more attention went to her brothers than her, especially Kankuro. Strangers gave some indication as to why he didn’t like her then, but not necessarily the other way around, and much of his dislike stemmed from the man who “took her away from him.” So, I started to think about how this woman, who is so stubborn and protective of her brothers, might find herself in this situation in the first place. How did she come to feel so lonely and separate from them? How did she combat that loneliness, if she ever did?

With story itself, I had an endpoint I had to reach. Strangers begins a few years after GM is set, at which point a few details about her life as a chess player were mentioned and both her familial and romantic relationships are firmly established. I set myself two jobs in writing GM: firstly, show how Temari could become the sort of person she is in Strangers; and secondly, show how her relationships with her family, namely Rasa and Kankuro, could reach what they are there.

Suffice it to say, GM is more about her than about ShikaTema, but Shikamaru’s role in her life is intrinsically linked to who she becomes. Shikamaru being a (somewhat forced) rival turned friend to Temari came to me kind of without thought. He is canonically a lot more intelligent, but she is a stubborn fighter, and to play at the top level of any sport, you have to be obsessive.

I myself I’m not a very good chess player, but I've studied them enough to know how desperately they want to win. I know how obsessive one has to be to reach the top of any sport and I found it hard to believe that Temari could be obsessive only about chess — I felt it would dip over into other aspects of her life. If she fell into chess as an escape, it made sense that she would initially find him as one too; she lost herself in a game to avoid what was going on around her as a child, then lost herself in this game she plays with Shikamaru, this constant back-and-forth they find themselves in when chess itself lost its spark for her.

I love stories that explore obsession vs love, and humanising someone who one looks up to. I don’t like to impose themes on things, but I wanted to incorporate that if I could. I wanted Shikamaru to go from this untouchable wunderkind to just any other guy, and one she could genuinely trust and feel safe with in a way she could with very few (if any) other people.

I just saw a comment that you left on the most recent chapter (thank you so so much for your kind words; I appreciate them endlessly) in which you mentioned the musical Chess. It’s been a huge inspiration to me since I first started writing fanfiction altogether, and it definitely inspired the relationship between ShikaTema in this fic. I don’t think there’s a direct comparison to be made of any character or relationship in Chess to any character or relationship in GM (besides the fact I literally named one of the Russians ‘Molokov’), but it’s definitely got a general vibe, if you will.

There are scenes in GM that I wanted to feel like Mountain Duet (one of the most beautiful duets ever, in my opinion) and scenes that I wanted to feel like Argument, and the storyline runs with the same sort of themes as Where I Want To Be and Pity the Child. Pity the Child is a very direct inspiration as I’m sure you can tell if you know the song. The name of this series of fics even comes from that song; it is one of the greatest inspirations for it all.

(If you haven't seen or heard the musical, I recommend both the original and 2008 recordings. I just linked my personal favourite versions. Also this stellar version I found on Youtube this morning.)

Finally, when it comes to how GM is written and its focus being solely on Temari, a lot of the credit has to go to my stunning friend @unioncolours. Bex has written so many wonderful stories, my favourites of which are those that are Temari-centric. I will use this as yet another opportunity to direct everyone towards ‘no one cries for unknown soldiers’ — it is my favourite Shikatema fic ever, and I insist you read it. Reading her stories, especially that one, feels like travelling both through time and space and doing so alongside one particular character has a strength to it that I found phenomenal. I really wanted to do something like that. I never had before. Bex is an inspiration to how I write in so many ways, and so I have her to thank for so much ♥️

I’ll spare you the ins and out of inspiration for names, nationalities and place settings etc unless I’m asked about them directly. Because that would be another essay nobody asked for and this is already way too long.

Anyway, thank you for asking me and for inspiring me to ramble about what’s basically been my baby for the last 2 years. I apologise if this was not what you were after when you asked but… hopefully it still serves as some kind of answer!

Thank you for your time, your kindness, and your support. I hope you have the most spectacular day ♥️

[callipraxia]

The Unexpected Memoirs of Fiddleford H. McGucket: Prologue and Chapter One

I was going through my writing desk and found a notepad I had scrawled about seventy pages, I think, of an attempt at first-person narration on a while back. It was about Fiddleford, attempting to type his way into his own memory in the gap between "Society of the Blind Eye" and his flight from town at the beginning of "Not What He Seems." Figured I might as well type it up in a few installments here if only so I have an excuse to remove the notepad and make some storage space, and to help with wanting to write so bad when I know I have too much work going on to commit to a brand-new project.

For whatever it's worth, Chapter One *probably* isn't as dark as the tags might suggest. It just includes Fiddleford typing up a basic overview of his life before he met Ford, and since that period involved being poor and living in the Deep South in the fifties and sixties...Certain topics are inevitable, at least in passing. Religion gets most of his focus, but there's also brief mentions of racism, classism, homophobia...good ol' days, am I right?!

Prologue

My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket, and I wish to remember what I have seen.

Or at least, I want to be able to wish to remember what I have seen.

Or at least, I think I do.

Maybe I just know that I have to, now. I don’t know what I helped create, or why, but I know one thing: from what I saw of myself in those tapes in the museum basement, and from what I read in the Journal, I either went crazy a lot earlier than I thought, helped create something that could end the world, or both. If it’s just that first one, well, that's all right - but what if it's one of the other two?

I want to run, but there’s nowhere left to run. I want to hide, but too many folks know where I am, now. I’ve got no choices left, besides sitting here at this typewriter and letting my fingers lead me back thirty years, into a world I gave up everything to forget about. All I’ve got is a story.

My name is Fiddleford McGucket, and I need to remember what I have seen. Whether I want to or not.

Chapter One

I think I might have tried to forget everything, but if I did, I messed up at least twice. There's two things I've never forgot about. I've always known my name, and I've always known that I’ve got a son. It's from the time after my life starts up again that I also know that if I said I was a bad father to him, I’d owe all the bad fathers of the world an apology for comparing them to the likes of me. Even a bad father is one who’s around to be bad, I think, and I wasn’t. I'd forget that, if I could, but somehow, I ended up without the gun....

My son hates me, and I can’t rightly blame him for that. He’s ashamed to be related to me, too, and as much as I’d like to, I can’t blame him for that, either, not with the fool I’ve acted. He was little when I left. I know that in part from such memories as I already had, and for sure because there was a picture in that Journal-book Dipper showed me. For some reason, the Author drew a picture of a picture that used to sit on my desk – copied it just like it must have been in life. He even bothered drawing the way the light reflected off the frame and hid my wife’s face, so I still don’t know what she looked like. I reckon I ought to be annoyed about that – but all I can think is, oh, you. You would do that, wouldn’t you?

Who are you, you faceless son of a cornshuck? Why did you do this to me? Why did I do that to you? What did we do? What’s this? What’s that?

The boy doesn’t know much about it. He was so young, then, and his mama didn’t like to talk about me later. Or so he says, and I guess I got no choice other than to believe him, because who else can I ask? My wife’s dead – I remember when he told me about that, a few years ago – and there’s nobody else in town that knew me before I lost my mind and remembers it, at least as far as I know. Not that that means much, of course.

More to the point, the boy does remember a few things. I was born in Tennessee, where I lived up to the age of seventeen, and where I’d probably be today if not for two things. One of them things is that I can’t think of many things more boring than plants – I liked machinery before I even knew what it was. The other one, probably more important, is that I caught every virus known to Man, probably, or at least Tennessee Man, as a baby, up until I took the rheumatic fever when I was six. If that hadn’t happened, then I probably would have been expected to quit school – assuming I went at all – and help Papa on the farm until I was old enough to get married and start my own, but instead, I got sick.

Mama and Papa, though – they didn’t know what they were supposed to do with me, but they knew I was theirs and they had an obligation, and that it wasn’t my fault I was feeble for a long time and peculiar even after I got my strength back. They lost their tempers with me all the time, sure, because I was so peculiar, but once they were done yelling, they knew I couldn’t help it, being like that. Mama, who was born a Baptist, used to say it was God’s will and proof of His marvelous constancy from generation to generation – Hannah had prayed for her son, and when she got him, it was with conditions, specifically, that she’d have to return him to God. Mama had also prayed for a son, and she’d got...me, who was clearly not going to be of any use to anyone unless I got me some schooling. Well, that was all right; the best preachers didn’t go to school, of course, everybody knew that, but she’d hauled off and married a Catholic, and they expected their folks to have some book learning even though that didn’t make much sense for men of God. Sense or no sense, though - that was how my mama decided I was going to be a priest.

I can’t remember much about how I felt about this, no matter how hard I try. The one thing I remember is that I did have one sister, name of Gladiolus, and that she used to think it was funny. Fatherford, she’d call me, when she thought Mama couldn’t hear her, especially when she thought I was being stupid on the subject of our mutual religion.

I was scared of God – not possessed of a holy and proper fear of God, just plain scared, like you’d be of a monster under the bed. I’d heard since I was a baby that it was only through His mercy that I was living, and I remembered just enough about being sick to know how bad it had usually hurt. I don’t know how, but I took it into my head that this meant I was bad, somehow – worse than everyone else, that was, a sinner among sinners, mainly because sometimes I asked questions that made Mama tell me that I was questioning God Almighty and that she’d have Papa take a belt to me if I done it again. Every time the priest raised the Host and talked about the transubstantiation, I’d imagine God looking out at me from inside the monstrance and whispering: just you watch yourself, Fiddleford McGucket. You better get your crazy ass right with me, or I’ll send it right on to Hell. And I would have - if I'd had any idea how. How many times did I sit there and pray, crying on my knees to stop thinking wrong and wanting wrong and doing wrong? Pulling out my own hair, because that was the only thing that could calm me down on a real bad day? I’d learned by the time I was ten not to ask my family such questions – that me asking Mama how I was supposed to just not think things that went through my head when I knew it upset her so – but I thought surely, surely, if God cared about me at all, despite knowing all my wrong thoughts….

Well – maybe He will have mercy on me for my doubts and questions and pride. Maybe He will take me in even if I keep an inability to see why it’s supposed to be so wrong to marry someone who doesn't look enough like you, or happens to be another man, or whatever else folks down home would say today. Or maybe He won’t. I don’t know. That was one thing I could never take about Mama’s people – this “I know that I know” attitude. Arrogant, ain’t it, assuming you Know anything about what God’s going to do? The predestination people are mighty peculiar, too, but that doesn’t even seem as arrogant as this idea that you can know you’re right with something as alien as God -

Or that’s the theory, anyway. In practice, the predestinationists aren’t any better, as far as I can recall, but even though thoughts like that kept me from ever considering going Evangelical or Holiness or any of that stuff, I still didn’t become a priest. I never even applied to try to be a priest – heavens to Betsy, I didn’t even apply to no Catholic universities! Admittedly, that was in part because of money – Mama went to work after she decided I was gonna live after all, so we could afford enough shoes for me and Gladiolus both to go to school all year in, and the sewing plant was real generous in giving out scholarships to the best-performing employee kids in the high school. I’d have been the biggest ingrate in the state of Tennessee if I’d started quibbling over which college I was going to go to, even considering that I broke every record my high school and that sewing plant had ever seen. And that’s how I ended up at Backupsmore University.

*********

Had to take me a break from typing – got to going too fast and my hands locked up. But the boy says he always heard I went to Backupsmore University, so I reckon I did. Makes as much sense as anywhere else, though from what I came to understand, the degree to which my crazy ass went really wrong, at least by home standards, while I was there could have happened in any reputable college or university in this country just as well.

I try to think back to it, and I have just a – blur. Strings of colored lights, which I’d never seen before. The taste of beer, and later of stronger stuff – took me two months to work up the nerve to try the beer, of course, and then I reckoned it was nasty, but I was so tired of being the oddball hick by then that I figured it was the lesser of two evils, even knowing what my mama would have said about it. Not like she wouldn’t have said worse about other stuff, such as when I went to required classes and didn’t say a word in protest when they taught that the world was millions of years old, or when I was all right with the idea of the rules changing to allow for blue jeans in classes, or when I discovered my roommate didn’t go to Mass and stayed roommates with him anyway, or when I would occasionally kiss girls and a few times boys, or….

Well. Maybe I went a little wild my first year or two, but I know that I know I didn’t ever risk my scholarship. Partially, of course, this was because of how easy everything was to me, but I did my work, no matter how tedious it was. I knew within a week that I didn’t want to go back to where I come from, and I knew that doing real well in college was my best way out. So I did real well in college, though it probably helped that my roommate was so dang uptight that I was partially obliged to drop the wayward habits of my freshman year, because there was no questioning which of us would have won in a fight.

I was taller than him, though. I remember that. Didn’t seem to bother him much. Not much did, I reckon. He was there to work, not to deal with people no more than he could help. I had to drag him out of the room most every time he left it for anything except for class, after we became friends...because we didn’t do for a while after we moved in together, not right away. I remember that first day - how I introduced myself, trying to be friendly and polite, and how he acted like the idea of shaking hands offended him, even if he did finally do it. I remember, too, that I thought he seemed like he got mad about my name for some reason? Though how that makes any sense, I don’t know. I think he might have just been mad at everything, the whole world, even himself, but definitely most everybody else.

I’m starting to type too fast again. Got to put down everything I can remember – it feels like I might forget it again if I don’t get it down fast enough, and like I need to remember this man. Like he’s got something to do with what happened, though it might be just that I can’t remember his face, either -

That does seem strange, and not only because I lived with him for a right long time. There’s also the other things that come back to me, strange little things. He’d done some kind of athletics in high school, for instance – why do I know that, but not what the feller looked like? That makes about as much sense as this band-aid being on my beard!

I remember that, though. And I remember that time when it snowed a foot, real early in the year that year even for that far north, and even though I'm sure that he was funny about his hands for some reason – fancy-pants musician, maybe? But that don’t explain this – how he let me borrow a pair of gloves upon realizing I’d never had any cause to own such an item before – and by ‘borrow’, I mean ‘threw ‘em at me without comment before leaving the room.’ And the first time he unbent enough for us to have a real conversation, and what it felt like, realizing I was really talking to someone who was a little like me – someone else who worked just fine, but his circuits were just arranged different than most folks’. Never thought it could happen, but....

It all blurs, even now. I can’t see his face, however I try to think on it. But I remember another thing, too. I remember one day when I fell down because I was laughing so hard. I was in Gravity Falls already, then, and I started laughing till I ended up on my knees as I thought to myself – there was a time I’d have said that I would follow that man into Hell - but this ain't what this was supposed to be!

*********

In between them memories, I’ve got what the boy told me I did. He doesn’t know why I did it or when, but at some point, I did go back to Tennessee. That’s where I met his mama. She was a schoolteacher, one of the only other folks my age who’d been anywhere near a college, at least that I could find to talk to. So, for lack of anything better to do, I suppose, she became a Catholic and then we got married.

Emma-May Dixon. Couldn’t get a name more like where we come from than that if you tried, but Emmy wasn’t too much like Gladiolus or my girl cousins or most home folks. Well, if she’d been like most folks, she wouldn’t have got lonely enough to marry the likes of me, would she have? Emma-May. Emmy.‘Emmy’ is what I called her sometimes, I think. Just Em when she was annoying me, though, which she did sometimes, as everyone you ever live with or know especially well must. I’ve remembered that for a while, somehow – that, and how she didn’t like being called Em or Emmy very much. After we left Tennessee, she tried going by Emma, out in California. Like Jane Austen. She had a whole set of books by Jane Austen, and every house we ever lived in, she made sure they were as prominent as they could get in the living room.

They weren’t just for looks, though. She had read them. She read them every year over again, in fact. She had the darkest, curliest hair I’ve ever seen – when it came into fashion, she started putting permanents in it the same as everyone else, of course, but she could have saved herself some time and just left it as it was, because she got close to looking like she had one just in her natural state. She wore perfume – Evening in Paris, I think it was – which was the kind of thing that would have gotten a gal talked about back home even if she hadn’t had the audacity to go buy it for herself, long time before she ever met me. I didn’t mind it, though; I liked that she didn’t need me, because I might not have pulled my hair out over my fear of God as much anymore by then, but someone needing me – that I couldn’t stand. Which did make it mighty inconvenient that she got pregnant not too long after we got married, because you ain’t never known how Necessary you can be until you get stuck being responsible for a baby human.

These days, of course, I doubt that would have happened. For one thing, I’d have been on ten different pills time I left Backupsmore, so I probably never would have gone home in the first place. For another – well, back then, it just didn’t occur to us to do much of anything to not have babies, because that was what you did, wasn’t it? You got married, you had a bunch of kids. That was what the Church said was proper, but it wasn’t even just the Church – my mama was a Baptist and had ten brothers and sisters. You had ‘em to keep up the work on the farm with you; that was why everybody felt so sorry for Mama and Papa, only having two young’uns, and one of them being me.

I don’t know what would have happened had we stayed in Tennessee – but thing was, Tater was still a baby when I realized we was not staying in Tennessee. For one thing, Mama and Emma-May couldn’t get along at all after the baby was born, Mama being intense on the subject of her first and only grandbaby – and for another, we just couldn’t stay there. I would have gone crazy a lot sooner than I did if we had. After Tater was born, all I could think was – my God, I can’t have a young’un of mine grow up here. If this place isn’t dead, it’s definitely dying. What if he’s like me, but he doesn’t get sick enough? Of course, this wasn’t rational of me – by that time, going to school was not only mandatory in the law, but it was something that was actually enforced even for backwoods families – but I couldn’t even think about the likes of ration, not then. I scratched up my head so bad trying not to rip out my hair that I ended up getting some kind of skin infection for a while – and then, once I was over that, we got as far from everybody we knew as we possibly could.

*********

California. On a map, it was easy to say what California was; where I come from, it was a whole different question. To some, it meant everything you could ever want, everything that home wasn’t; to others, it was a neat bit of shorthand just for Hell on Earth, for all the sins of the world (I reckon home folks didn’t all know about Las Vegas?). To my mama and papa, and Em’s mama and daddy, it was the second one; to me and her, it was the first one.

I think we were happy there? It’s another blur – but the edges don’t hurt, wherever an object or an image floats to the surface and gets clear enough to see. I remember shoes in the hallway a lot. Some balls and bats, a lot of books. Tater was reading before he was three, and we made sure he had plenty to read, because as I told my wife – it was pretty clear, from early on, that the boy was indeed like me, so he might as well lean into it and get as smart as he could, so he’d have the best chance to find some way, some place in the world where he could be happy.

You say that like you aren’t happy where you're at, Fids, said she – she was the only one who called me that, I’m assuming as retaliation for the Em thing. What am I supposed to do with that?

But I think I was. That we both were, for a while anyway. In a way, I think we both felt about like young’uns ourselves, because of how odd we could be in California without anybody knowing or caring at all. It was 1975, baby! Every woman in America had a right to her own bank account, whether she was married or whether she was not, and Emma-May got one I reckon just for the hell of it. Or because she was the one with more to put into it, though she never once mentioned it, and she was a saint for that. Who ever heard of a woman with a baby going back to teaching school, and letting some fool of a man look after a baby? Nobody, but we weren’t in Tennessee, we were in California, and it was 1976, 1978 – the world was all on its head and it was going to keep spinning like that forever, up and up, freer and freer, no stops!

I know how wrong we was now – but even today, it makes me smile, when I think of this one picture in my head. It was Emmy, just outside the church – since she took it sort of serious, after having gone to all the trouble of converting, we still did go to church. She was standing on the stair, wearing this dark blue dress with little white polky-dots on it, and one of them big, wide lace collars – this thing was up to her throat, and the ends of it were on her two shoulders – and by standards of the time, she was looking sharp! But she had on these sensible shoes, you know, and little white gloves, because she had a habit of that from her mama, who had not been one bit amused by Jack Kennedy taking his presidential oaths with no hat on and thereby giving everyone permission to run around in their bathing suits in broad daylight. Jack Kennedy was dead, though, and Jackie had betrayed all of America, to my folks’ way of thinking, by marrying some foreigner instead of gracefully playing the queen dowager until John, Jr. could take his daddy’s place, and I had two suits, one for every other Sunday, and a pretty wife with more dresses than there were days in the week standing there with her rosary in one hand and Tate by the other one, and I imagine we looked at each other like – you believe all this? You believe we’re here acting like decent people, without a soul in this church knowing you’ve got your own bank and them new pills, or that I get what money I got by some combination of picking a banjo while I run around in floweredy shirts like a hoodlum and spend my days trying to build the machines of the future? This is the craziest thing I've ever heard of!

Of course, I don’t know that this memory is real. Even if I do remember it right, there ain’t no guarantee that Emma-May was thinking anything of the sort, about how we looked like everybody else and were yet living in ways that would have shocked out parents out of this life. I felt like a young’un lifting candy from the store, though, and I recollect I laughed – from her point of view, for no good reason – and gave her a kiss right there on the stair.

What was that for?

You just looked pretty.

You crazy fool.

She’d call me that again another time, and it wouldn’t sound anything like it did then. Another time, she was screaming at me, shaking me, telling me to snap out of it, to quit what I was doing, to look what I was doing to my own son, to quit it right now and be a man, be a father, for the love of God, Fiddleford! But that day, it wasn’t like that, and I never could have guessed how soon it would be.

*********

I don’t remember much about how it started, that day. Right now, I remember everything about that afternoon and evening – the afternoon that marked the beginning of the end of my life – but not so much about the beginning, not even what I was doing right before the phone started to ring. I assume it was all normal, though: that I’d got up like I most always did, got the kid off to school, got the wife some kind of lunch put together before she went off to school, and then it was out to the garage and another day of trying to scrape together a dream. Just like so many days before. There was no way, no way at all, I could have ever known what was going to happen.

It was getting late, I think, when the phone started to ring, but in July it’s hard to be sure. Only the sounds of Emma-May and the boy in the house gave away that we’d passed the hour where most folks called the day finished. Despite that, I wasn’t working on one of my own projects yet – was still working on something for a client, scraping together the money I needed to keep working on my prototypes. Well, to my way of thinking, I was working on a client project, anyway – to most folks’ eyes, it would have looked like I was just picking on my banjo, but that was what I did when I needed to think about a tricky problem with some wiring. I was chewing on some chewbacca, too, as I was accustomed to do, and I recall I gnawed on it some just about the time the ringing started.

Why do I remember that? Nothing that unusual about that moment. Nothing should have made that specific plug of tobacco brand itself into my neurons, but I remember it right now, as clear as I do anything else – I can taste it as if I was chewing on it this moment, practically feel it between my molars again, though unfortunately, just remembering the feel of getting a hit of nicotine doesn’t do much to sharpen me up and calm me down all at once the way an actual portion of the drug would. It was real that day, though, and hit my system as I picked up the phone, and, without a care in the world, said, “Hello! Fiddleford Computermajigs!”

Another man’s voice came through the other line, and for a few seconds, I didn’t even recognize it. It was the kind of landline connection you got back then, I reckon, along with me having not heard this particular man’s voice in...Lord, how long had it been? Going on five years, maybe. Even during those few seconds, though, before my life changed, I felt a sort of – ripple – go through the world, as though I had gotten a shock, as the voice spoke, getting straight to the point without any salutation or introduction of its owner. Guess he was already too close to the edge to care about such things by then – that is, unless he knew that, just from the sheer audacity of the proposition alone, I’d know exactly who it was by the time he got to the end of his sentence.

“What would you say,” he said in a low, almost conspiratorial tone, “if I told you that I’m building a trans-universal polydimensional meta-vortex?”

By the end of the sentence, I knew who I was talking to – but that was bizarre enough even for him that I had to repeat it back to myself to be sure I’d heard it right. “You...say you’re trying to build a trans-universal polydimensional meta-vortex?”

“Yes.”

And then I did it. Without even knowing I was doing it, I said the words that would near enough to damn us both, and my wife and son along with us, and who knows how many others, before it’s done.

“Well,” said I, and the numbers were running through my head – I hadn’t felt them like that since college, that was how quick I started on the problem, even before I had any confirmation that it was any of my business. “that’s...mathematically feasible, I reckon!” I spat to clear my mouth, just in case the next remark he came up with was somehow even more surprising than the one he’d used to barge back into my life without so much as a howdy-do, and then I added, “Stanford? That really you?”

Click here to proceed to chapter two!

[kwangyadetective]

🗄️ Mystery in Seoul Teaser Thoughts Part 1

Part 1 of my initial thoughts of what happened in NCT 127's Mystery in Seoul teaser series before the MV release. I divided this into two parts and two member units,

Reality (Nighttime)

Taeyong, Doyoung, and Haechan

In Between

Taeil

Dream (Daytime)

Johnny, Yuta, Mark, Jungwoo, and Jaehyun

Read the Dream (Daytime) unit here.

Explanation on why Dream is daytime and Reality is Nighttime etc.

Also!! Note that I will focus on some members more than the others because of their character significance and mostly on whom I have more ideas on. Hence, some would only have brief overviews or combined in one paragraph so that this note won’t be too long to read too.

Taeil

I wanna start off with Taeil, which I found the most interesting.

Initially I thought Taeil was in the Reality (as shown to be in the night in the very beginning). But then I realized that to indicate where he really is is by looking at the lighting color, which is actually the Reality to Dream Transformation Color Scale.

He was in a nightclub but in his own world. Contrasting to the club music, he appears to be surrounded by classical music. Plus he is on his own, sitting down with tea, as if no one notices him. Whenever he is shown in individual shots, the lighting is Green, hence he is in between Dream and Reality. Then he moves on to the Dream stage by entering another room (Red lighting). There, he was greeted by a bald man who then offered him a cup of tea. The bald man seemed to be expecting him already and offered him a handful of sugar and a green folded note on top of it. I have my suspicions about this bald man because FIRST OF ALL there is a SNAKE tattoo on his head.

It may not be Black Mamba since aespa defeated them but Taemin’s Criminal did hint at the existence of 3 snakes, this may be one of them. Plus the presence of a snake in the Neo’s Universe had been around since Favorite.

The tattoo ‘Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies’ was also on the man’s head; considering that Taeil had been in his own world this whole time, does he actually know where he is? What if the dream he was in is actually a corrupted dream (a lie?)? Did the snake set him in a trap or is it setting all the members in a trap through the message given to Taeil? Well, I hope the MV will reveal something about this. Honestly, it is weird too that Taeil was grinning along with the man..

Nighttime (Reality) Members

Starting with Doyoung, he appears to be working in an aquarium shop. This is HIGHLY fitting for the lore because recently Doyoung has always been associated with water, which is supposed to represent Ether. This goes way back from NCT2021 in YearDream: Stage 1 - Seeing Myself in a Dream and even in Golden Age MV (water falling out of a glass in between DY's piano scenes). He closed his eyes for a moment then there were flashes of scenes of buildings and a passing train, the fishes, and more(?). As if he was given glimpses of the future? But note that this scene is pretty similar to the YearDream video. In a theory post I wrote of the YearDream, I speculated that someone was contacting him because Ether is a medium that connects people. So is this a similar situation?

As for Taeyong and Haechan, there isn't much that I want to talk about. Taeyong's situation was confusing because I still don't know why he appears to be working as a money changer and is seen slacking off. But one important thing to note in his teaser was the part when he was given a key, reminding me of Golden Age MV. The person that gave it to him was apparently one of the queueing customers and wasn't shown anything significant? Though the key got me thinking that perhaps it is used to open a room to this?

This is a mobile filing cabinet that has wheels on the side to lock it. We have an Exhibit & Storage ver. pictures, so perhaps it has something to do with that?

Haechan seemed to be constructing a device similar to a laptop.

Looking at the screen, especially the Ouija and the Validation screen, the device is like a computer but specifically to look up answers and check the validity or accuracy of something? Literally 'Factchecking'. Perhaps what makes it different than regular computers is its ability to look from deeper sources?? In the end, he received an email from a still unknown source (probably from the others for a meeting?) and he left like Taeyong. Now that I think of it; Haechan also received a message like Taeil, but unlike him, Taeil's source is questionable.

That's all that I have for this unit! I will wrap up this teaser series' thoughts in the next post. The final conclusion of the theory will of course come after the release of the MV.. and that also depends on whether it has a plot or not...

(Part 2) Read the Dream (Daytime) unit here.

[ellies-cycling-notes]

Post-Ride Notes

This is my final post for the foreseeable future. This is just a place for me to give my final thoughts about the ride, as well as some general statistics about the ride.

Thoughts

I don't really know where to start. I have already gathered a bunch of statistics from the trip, but actually talking about the trip itself has a kind of finality that I don't know if I'm totally prepped for. The trip is over, but I'm still in a weird state where every day feels like a rest day, where I'll have to bike another 80 miles tomorrow.

I've biked a few times since the trip ended, obviously much shorter rides. It was difficult at first adjusting to not having so much weight on the back of my bike, but it's nice now. It's also extremely relaxing not having to constantly worry about possibly getting a flat tire when I go over a bump. It's also been great not having to eat nothing but PB&Js all day. Despite typically really enjoying bread in general, I've actually been eating a lot less of it than normal, just because I no longer really have to eat it 3 meals a day.

My bike needs a lot of work done on it now, and I need some of my additional equipment replaced (specifically my gloves and shoes). However, I do still feel like this whole trip was worth it. It was a great palate cleanser for me, even if it was stressful and tiring at times.

I definitely probably have a bunch more things I could say, but I don't want to spend too much time thinking about how to say them.

Statistics

I made a spreadsheet here with various statistics for the ride. Here are some of the highlights:

Total Distance Traveled: 1432.78 miles

Average Distance Traveled Per Day: 79.599 miles

Average Distance Traveled (Including Rest Days): 62.29 miles

Longest Ride: 102.09 miles (Day 4)

Shortest Ride: 50 miles (Day 8)

Total Time Spent Riding: 120 hours, 7 minutes

Average Time Per Day Spent on the Road (Including breaks): 8 hours, 22 minutes

Earliest Morning Departure: 6:36AM (Day 4)

Latest Evening Arrival: 5:58PM (Also Day 4 - a 100+ mile ride tends to do that)

Average Speed: 11.95 mph

Fastest Speed Reached: 37.4mph (on Day 7)

Number of Apples Eaten: 71 (Average of 3.09 per day)

7 different types of apples eaten, not counting the several apples I ate I didn't know the type of

Apple type with the highest average rating: Honeycrisp, with an average of 7.1

Apple type with the lowest average rating: Zestar, as the only zestar apple I ate I gave a rating of 5

I took an average of 2.1 breaks on a given day's ride

Number of flats: 13, with all 13 occurring in the first 12 days of the trip.

The spreadsheet also includes some additional information and organization if you want to look at it, such as the minor point of whether or not I saw any deer on a given day, as well as a very brief overview of what topics I discussed that day. Thus, if anyone is interested in a specific topic (say, my design notes on Time Loop), they might have an easier time finding all the posts they want.

And that's it! I'll be posting a picture timeline later, with every pic taken of me by friends/family during the ride, but apart from that, I do not expect to be posting anymore (and yes, I know I said basically the same thing at the end of last post, about how I was going to only make 1 more post).

[aspenforest732]

Libertias aut Mortis Chapter 10: The Aftermath and the Thickening

Summary:

tw: limb loss (aftermath), medical, talk of natural disaster/earthquake/tsunami Their recovery is sped up a little bit but I still wanted to include the process. And having to speed up their recovery will have ramifications later :) this is based on a mix of a friend's experience and research; if anything is misrepresented or off, please let me know

Notes:

Do y'all want more explicit description of folks' quirks? It hit me while editing another chapter that I don't explain them as much as I thought I did. All the quirks I use are written down with detail ranging from moves water to full descriptions and downsides ‘text’ JSL Text thoughts Page break text page break ???

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Akira jolted upright, capture scarf rising before their eyes could focus.

“Woah, woah, easy there, Pipsqueak.”

Akira relaxed at Dabi’s familiar voice, and their eyes came to focus on him fighting against the capture scarf tangled in his arms. With a slight huff, Akira called it back. Isao chuckled to their left, and turning, they winced as Tano rubbed his arm. 

“Ah! Before you start, you were fighting anesthesia so this wasn’t unexpected,” Dabi insisted as they started to sign.

Akira huffed, ‘ Fine, but still, sorry. How’s everyone else? ’

Dabi shook his head but continued. Two casualties, Renegade and Dartanion. The latter lost too much blood, and Warp’s goop caused an infection they weren’t able to treat fast enough with his other injuries. Renegade got trapped by Mayhew like Akira almost was. Overclock and Strider were able to go back to base the day before, leaving Akira as the last wounded here.

They glanced between the three, taking in their relief mixed with worry. ‘ Then how long have I been out? ’

“You’ve been in and out for three days.” Akira sucked in a sharp breath. He picked up a clipboard and went through questions they could only assume to be standard for pain, awareness, and feeling in their leg. Their left forearm was still a little raw from where they assumed he took the skin graft, but the pain meds were definitely working.

Akira started to lift the blanket but felt a large hand on theirs. They looked up at Isao questioningly, who shook his head. “It’s stil quite rough. Perhaps you should wait until it’s healed more.”

‘ I’ve waited long enough. ’ Akira waved off his concern and lifted the blanket from the other side before he could protest. They stared down unblinking. 

Knowing they were missing a quarter of their leg was one thing, but seeing what remained was another. The stump was swollen and red, but a small sack of flesh hung from where the bone surely stopped. Pins and needles clawed into their skin and almost seemed to stretch down to where their leg used to end.

“Since you’re still young, your bone will continue to grow. The extra skin will buy you some time, though, before it breaks through,” Tano explained. Akira leaned forward and waved a hand through where they felt their leg but there was nothing. He winced, “Phantom limb is common among amputees. Once you’re back at the compound, we’ll talk about your options and how they’ll affect your current pain management and mobility aids.”

‘ And the kids? ’

“All settled into their new homes in Esuha,” Dabi reassured. He smirked slightly, “Jinx was asking after you, and Kid Crows have another bird waiting for you.”

‘ Oh now he gets a nickname, ’ Akira teased.

“Kids have been talking my ear off. They sure as hell get a nickname,” Dabi grumbled.

With a few more quick tests, Tano cleared Akira to Warp to base. This time, Isao was ready to catch them, easily steadying them with a gentle hand on their shoulder. Clone Tano gave the real one a quick overview and their chart before dispelling with a snap of the original’s fist. He gave them a brief overview, exhaustion bleeding into his features as he scheduled them for a follow-up with more information and physical therapy further into the medical wing.

The moment they opened the door, a black blur barreled into them. Akira staggered a step back but a velvety shadow caught them. Grinning up, they returned the hug and chuckled at a feathery lump landing in their hair with a soft chirp. 

Fumikage broke the hug first, taking a step back to look at them. “Next time we’re coming. We will not wait to hear you’re in critical condition until hours after the fact.” Dark Shadow hissed in Dabi’s direction, who put his hands up cheekily.

‘ I’m fine, really- ’

“We will be talking about that,” Dabi cut across. “That can wait, though. Go have fun with your fellow gremlins.”

Fumikage practically dragged them down the hall to the cafeteria as their stomach rumbled. Akira stumbled a lot, struggling to remember to slow down and account for the drastic shift in weight, but Dark Shadow’s constant presence easily kept them aloft. “It’s remarkable seeing Dark Shadow all the time,” Fumikage remarked as they got to the big doors. 

Akira nodded absentmidendly. ‘ People don’t really think about the implications of severely limiting public quirk use for sentient quirks. ’

The self-replicating virus was a success, causing many to turn from Wren products. People still generally supported them as heroes, especially with the greater good narrative the commission and police pushed. A handful of civilians who were already skeptical of hero society increased their presence on forums, but they weren’t expecting much more this early.

Earthquake Setup and Future

Date: April 5th

‘ Setting off a 7.5 magnitude earthquake is more than enough, ’ Mortis argued. ‘ We don’t want widespread destruction, only a tsunami warning. ’

“A little property damage is fine, people will have enough warning to evacuate.” Tenser dismissively waved a hand.

Mortis bristled, shoving down the memory of watching helplessly as waves crashed toward the bunker. ‘ No. A huge part of this is getting the public to see our side. An 8 magnitude earthquake causes a major tsunami. That’s more than a “little property damage.” ’

“You want kids to be there, right? The bigger the tsunami, the more likely the kids would be to trigger!” 

“No, they’re right.” Compress stood, drawing himself up to Tenser’s small stature. “If you still do not understand, Magne will reassign you to another team. You may take your leave.” He calmly held the fuming vigilante’s gaze until Tenser finall huffed and blustered out of the room.

‘ Keep an eye on him, ’ Mortis sighed as they maneuvered their wheelchair away from the table. ‘ I’ll watch for unusual earthquakes. ’

“How are you feeling, my dear?” he asked as they left the conference room. 

‘ Exhausted, ’ Akira admitted one-handedly to keep moving. ‘ Physio’s been kicking my ass. Had no idea losing a limb would be that different from not using it. ’

Atsuhiro chuckled darkly, “I suppose you would already be used to pain in the area.”

Mortis waved them to the side as they approached their office door, earning a raised eyebrow as he complied. Shuffling to sit up more in their wheelchair, Mortis tensed to the side as they hit the button to open the door. Atsuhiro gasped dramatically as they twisted to the side and caught the knife before it could hit the back of their chair and threw it back.

A solid thunk resounded in the room. “Really? You decided to try that today ,” Kikuko shook her head.

‘ I can’t exactly take the wheelchair with me, and this is Hatsume Industries tech! I’m not just going to let it get damaged. ’

“What the blazes was that for?” Compress swept into the room glaring at the shadows. He spun on Mortis as they perched on their chair. “Is this a regular occurrence?”

‘ Yeah, it’s fine. It’s just his thing like stabbing people was Toga’s .’ Mortis waved him off dismissively.

“They always dodge.”

Mortis snorted to Compress’ confusion until he registered the words a moment later. “Nevertheless, Toga is a child with severe fluctuation repercussions. Joe has no such issues and has no reason to do so.”

Last round of reports for the day in hand, Mortis waved to Joe’s desk with Compress trailing behind. Tonight was their turn to cook with Fumikage on deck to help as needed. Akira limped into the kitchen and locked their rollator to ease into its seat, smiling warmly as Dark Shadow settled on their shoulder. They adjusted as they grabbed ingredients, catching themself on the counter when they forgot to account for the missing weight. 

The colorful set of bowls and measuring tools brought a light smile to their face as they showed the pair who picked out what. They rarely used the nicer but plain beige and white ones from the previous owners, preferring the array of blues greens and reds that the league found at thrift stores and mom and pop shops.

The adults mostly kept to themselves in the living room, Atsuhiro occasionally reminding the others as they rose from the collection of furniture they’d gathered more for comfort than any sense of matching that the pair would ask for help if they needed it. Akira swatted Dabi’s hand away from the blue miso pot with white lace-like designs, shooting a half-hearted glare at the habanero blend in his hand. 

‘ You can add that to your own. ’ They silently chuckled at his mock offense. ‘ Don’t want to fry your flamingo too soon. ’

The group settled into comfortable updates as they ate, a box for the new couch resting just off the new, much softer rug with a red and black design hinting at a ship in dark waters. A few paintings from indie artists interspersed with some of Atsuhiro’s masks on the walls, though most of the walls were still plain beige.

Most missions were still on track or close to it. A few members were going too far, but Atsuhiro and Magne were coordinating for a retraining program and a more thorough vetting process for Violet allocation.

“Oracle’s struggling with all the variables, but intelligence gathering in Takasaki is a go,” Jin mentioned. A bit of jam squirted out from his onigiri piece, almost landing on Dark Shadow. They let out a very dignified squawk and retreated closer to Fumikage only to reel back in mock betrayal as Akira booped their beak with a clump of rice.

With a chuckle, Akira lifted the reports in acknowledgment. ‘ I’ll go over your recommendations after dinner. We need to keep moving, so I may not be cleared in time for fighting in the next raid. ’

Dabi narrowed his eyes at the distinction, but Takami jumped in, “You could be overwatch with me! We’ll need more people on that for Jumpscare, right?”

Akira faltered slightly at the nervous fluttering in his wings and tension in his shoulders. ‘ Yeah… did you have a question about that? Or a suggestion? ’

His smile froze as the room turned to him. Takami slipped a mask back into place and shrugged, “Not exactly, but do you have a public relations group? It’s probably something you’ve thought of before, but I wasn’t able to get an answer from anyone else, and-”

“No, Spinner and I do most of it,” Shigaraki grumbled.

“You volunteering, birdie?” Dabi quirked an eyebrow.

Takami shifted minutely, eyes quivering as he stopped blinking. He quietly set his bowl down, and Akira glanced to Fumikage. At his open curiosity, they looked to the other adults. Akira relaxed slightly at the recognition in their eyes as the group shifted ever so slightly to give him more space.

“They wouldn’t mind the help, Kei,” Dabi softly broke the silence and gently nudged his elbow. Takami startled, wings fluffing as he rapidly blinked. A bit louder, Dabi added, “They couldn’t convince a koi to swim anyways.”

Spinner’s indignant hiss shattered the tension, and Takami relaxed marginally into a forced laugh. Atsuhiro and Magne shared a knowing look while Shigaraki and Spinner bantered with Dabi with little of their usual heat. Akira promised to pass on their latest updates in the morning to pair with a meeting with Shigaraki and Spinner. And if they included a recommendation to see one of the on-site therapists, no one would be the wiser.

As the evening wound down, Fumikage grew increasingly twitchy. Even a few rounds of Mario Kart didn’t settle him as even Dark Shadow grew antsy. As Shigaraki lunged for Spinner after getting blue shelled into third, Akira tapped Fumikage on the shoulder.

They smirked as he jumped. ‘ What’s up with you? Need to let off some steam? ’ 

Magne easily redirected Shigaraki’s hand, although he was still wearing artist gloves.

“Truly, we’re fine. This is just a new flavor of banquet to adjust to.”

Akira jostled his shoulder, smile fading a bit. ‘ I mean it. ’

“What happens after?” Dark Shadow head butted their hand as they crowed. Everyone looked up from the tussle, Spinner mid-grapple as Dabi stopped cackling.

Fumikage’s feathers fluffed in embarrassment as he clarified, “We mean after the war. What do you plan on doing? We’re still going the underground hero route. Will the League stay together or…”

“My family’s been in the ‘villainy’ business for generations, I’m hardly one to break it,” Atsuhiro said casually after a moment. “I’ll go back to our more petty, artful heists, however.”

“I’d probably work with queer kids,” Magne offered as she hauled Spinner off. “Make sure they have a safe place to go and people to talk with.”

“Heh, maybe we’d work together then,” Spinner shrugged her off but backed away from a rising Shigaraki. “Heteromorphs and blood quirks for me.”

Fumikage cocked his head slightly, but Akira quickly signed ‘ Toga .’

“Haven’t thought that far yet,” Shigaraki admitted as he settled back on the couch, giving Spinner a stink eye.

“Come on, Hand Job, you must have some idea,” Dabi prodded. He dodged a half-hearted swipe with a smirk.

“Oh fuck off, Freddy Kreuger.”

“It’s a bit difficult to get a consensus between us. Most of us at least agree we want to try a normal life again.”

“I’ve got offers for scar treatments.”

Akira looked up in surprise at their former roommate. ‘ Really? When? We could see if you can get them- ’

“Recovery time would take too long,” Dabi waved them off. “And couldn’t use my quirk for a while.”

Seeing Takami freeze as the answers left narrowed down, Akira jumped in, ‘ On the nonzero chance I make it, help dismantle the rest of the system and build it back up. ’

Fumikage squawked, “Your odds should be much higher now! You have a literal army.”

“Yeah, kid,” Takami sent a feather to ruffle their hair even as uncertainty flashed in his eyes. “We’ve got you.”

Visitors

Date: April 19th

----------------------------

The force of the bells shook the void as cracks cleaved memories and the very foundation of what they knew.

-------

“Keep your hip up!”

Akira huffed, pushing a stray lock out of their face as their hip crackled back into place at level with their other. They took another wobbly step supporting most of their weight on the bars while they tried their new prosthetic. It hung thick and heavy on their leg, securely in place but bulky and awkward. That week the swelling had finally gone down enough to start their first round of prosthetic fittings.

Akira gritted their teeth and limped their way down the bars as Mae matched their pace.  Each step with their left leg reverberated through their knee up their thigh, making them shudder. Mae tapped the bars every few steps, keeping Akira grounded as they repeated left, right in their head.

Akira reached for the next stretch of bar only to find air. They stumbled forward, capture scarf snapping around the bars to keep them upright.

Mae rounded the bars with a stern but kind expression. “Alright, I think that’s a good note to end on,” she said. “I don’t want you pushing too hard and causing more damage, you hear?”

‘ Yes, sensei. ’ 

With a firm nod, Mae brought their wheelchair around while they sipped on their water.

Akira collapsed back in their wheelchair before pulling themself into a better position to walk through removing their prosthetic. Roll down the silicon sleeve, disengage the autoadjusters, slip the socket off, check for rub marks on the nylon sock and liner, slip them off, check the inner sock and remove it. Akira carefully put it in their backpack and cooled down with some stretches to keep their knee from locking up.

“Now, I better not hear about you slacking off on these stretches. If you want me to clear you for any mission in the future, you need to get your strength up and be serious about your recovery.”

Akira looked up at Mae’s hands on her hips as she loomed over them. They nodded firmly, suppressing a shudder at her intense stare. ‘ Yes, sensei. ’ Akira grit their teeth as they wheeled out of the pt room. They already had plenty of experience recovering from injuries and managing their chronic conditions. They didn’t need a maintenance talk.

��Akira!” Fumikage waved and stood with Dark Shadow as they entered the waiting area. “It seems we have a visitor.”

Akira brightened at their friends and sped over. At a glance, they didn’t see anyone new until a shy coo came from Fumikage’s shoulder. The air rippled and a pigeon with a note attached to its foot appeared.

Akira startled, glancing to Fumikage who looked equal parts excited and smug. They rolled their eyes and gave the pigeon head scritches. ‘ Come on, let’s go read it. ’

The pair wound through the halls to their suite and settled in the more recent kitchen nook, a small cherry table at perfect height for their wheelchair was just big enough for four. Shigaraki gave a tired head tilt of acknowledgement from the living room’s new plush couch with dated green upholstery with a floral pattern. Fumikage fluffed slightly at his greeting but Akira just smiled and returned the tilt. Their smile grew at the same compound cipher as one of the ones they used in espionage training and quickly broke it down for Fumikage to read as well. While the message itself was short, a set of coordinates and time hid in the text.

Pigeon named Zephyr (he/him) will be the primary currier. U.A. cleared. How’s your leg? How’d the fitting go?

Akira let out a sigh of relief and placed a scoop of bird seed in front of Zephyr. The bird phased in and out of visibility as he moved, causing curious distortions as he ate. Animals with quirks, much less Stranger ones, were scarce even using FQM. Maybe his parents also have quirks? Akira shook their head thoughtfully and started a reply. A general intelligence increase usually accompanied quirks in animals, so they often made families with other quirked animals. 

Passing off the slip of paper to Fumikage, Akira had to wonder just how much Zephyr understood of the situation. Flying into buildings a good hike from the city to find a big bird and a… Akira looked over themself only to be nudged by Zephyr asking for more pets. They resumed with a chuckle and maneuvered to set their phone on the table to check the coordinates. 

An accessible park in Hosu would certainly help them blend in. Being that close to one of their moles, though…

“You okay?” Fumikage interrupted their thoughts.

They nodded, ‘ Location should be fine, if a bit odd. ’

Fumikage leaned closer, putting down the pen for a moment. “Would proximity to Tokyo pose a danger?”

Akira mulled over the possibilities, absent-mindedly giving Zephyr another scoop of bird seed. They didn’t have the coordination back for crutches yet, so their wheelchair would be a must. An accessible park with their appearance wouldn’t make them stick out as much, but still.

Shaking their head, Akira added a few strokes of confirmation to the note. They gave it another once over and gently attached it to Zephyr, making sure the fit was snug before sending the bird on his way. 

Akira slowly grinned and rotated their wheelchair around as Isao’s heavy, distinctive footsteps resounded in the hallway. They pressed the button to open the door just as he raised a hand to knock.

“Little Shadow! I thought I might find you here. Come, let me look at you.” Isao clasped their hands, engulfing them in his own as he beamed at them.

‘ Good to see you too, Isao. ’ Akira softly smiled back and withdrew a hand to turn back to the little table. Isao gave a hearty wave to Shigaraki, who gave the same tired nod but retreated further into the suite. ‘ Don’t mind him, not much of a people person. ’

“Not to worry, I just wanted to check in on you.”

Akira rolled their eyes in fond exasperation. ‘ I’m fine, people keep asking that. ’

“To be fair, you did just lose half a leg,” Fumikage chirped cheekily.

Akira jostled his elbow, turning into a shoving fight while Isao looked on bemused. Akira had to grab the table to stay in their wheelchair as Dark Shadow flung a little too hard, knocking their head on the table with a squawk.

‘ Okay, okay, fair, ’ Akira conceded as they righted themself. Isao hovered while Fumikage lightly scolded Dark Shadow, glancing between them. ‘ We were just going over Animal Whisper’s note. Seems they want me in Hosu. A bit risky, but should be fine. ’

“And who will be your backup, my dear?” Atsuhiro swept into the living room, ruffling their hair as he passed towards his room.

They leaned into the touch slightly with a small smile. ‘Knuckleduster, one of the vigilantes based out of Naruhata. ’

“Ah yes, I remember,” Atsuhiro mused as he dipped into his room for a moment before returning without his prosthetic. “Did the note say whom you’re meeting with?”

‘ No, but it’ll most likely be Ingenium. ’ At Fumikage’s meaningful look, they huffed. ‘ Or Eraser if he has a damn good reason for being there. ’

“Well, Hosu’s a two-step Warp, but we do have a few options. Swing by Brown Division in the morning, and we’ll set you up. Our raid has caused quite the stir.”

---------------------

They reached out as guilt swelled in the pit of their stomach, the alarm bells pulling, ever pulling now. They remembered him. Vaguely, but the connection was there. They hadn’t seen him since… they didn’t know when, but somehow they just knew he was gone. Because of them . But he was here now . Couldn’t they just stay here, bells? What was so fucking urgent in the present that they couldn’t linger, couldn’t sit with this small happiness? The pull grew stronger, more insistent, and they finally gave in, crashing out of the void and into a bright room with scared, angry faces of people they should know.

Notes:

Also putting here for the end note readers: Do y'all want more explicit description of folks' quirks? It hit me while editing another chapter that I don't explain them as much as I thought I did. All the quirks I use are written down with detail ranging from moves water to full descriptions and downsides was this me just realizing they needed a PR department? …maybe lol public opinion is one of the things I’m tracking during the story, so you’d think I would’ve thought of it earlier. And I definitely didn’t forget to track it more XD Y'all probably picked up on this already, but the snippets are out of order. This is chronologically the last of the inserts. I debated whether to so explicitly state one of the characters in that scene would die but figured why not. I'd have to completely rewrite the insert if I removed it

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[engbergsinfinland]

Late post for Tuesday, on Wednesday!

Hello, everyone. Here's an update of what we've been up to the last several days!

I wanted to share that, just like in Albuquerque, Eric walks Alex at about 11:30 p.m., because he and I are irresponsible night owls. But, perhaps he'll catch some aurora activity on one of his nightly walks! That is a goal of mine, while we're here. Anyway, In Albuquerque, I'm always anxious to hear whether Eric encountered any animals or saw any weird people parked in Sandia Heights looking at city lights when he's on his late-night walks. Here, our conversations upon his return from the nightly walks are somewhat similar but have very different possible sights to be seen, obviously, because we are in a city center -- and so every night Eric walks Alex pass lots of bars where there are lots of drunken people and hustling university students (often in their university overalls). Finns are known for being rather taciturn, but I've read that once they've got a few drinks in them, they're much more boisterous, and Eric's accounts seem to corroborate this.

On these nightly walks, Eric has encountered people who really love Alex and want to pet him, talk to him in Finnish, tell Eric about their dogs, and a lot more. Alex, however, is not a fan of people smoking cigarettes and seems to "woof" at them with some frequency. Sometimes he can't decide whether he wants them to pet him or whether he's disturbed by the fact that they are smoking.

OK, so, two nights ago, outside the McDonald's (which Eric reports is busy at all hours and is two stories tall), these two people, older than us, started talking to Eric in Finnish and Eric had to explain that he only speaks English and the guy said, "wow, you should know me, I'm famous in America from Top Chef." This guy, Stefan Richter, and his girlfriend or wife (it was unclear, even based on her saying they've been married two years and then he said they hadn't -- very confusing), were very (drunk and) chatty with Eric and basically gave him a brief professional overview for the chef guy and to Eric's remark that he had not been to his restaurant, Stefan's Steakhouse, Stefan replied. "So, what are you, vegan?" They definitely liked Alex, though.

In other news, I went to a design event, DesignOnTamepre, at Tullikamarilla (just east of our flat) on Sunday after we had the kids' classmates and their parents over for brunch (parents Mika and Elina and kids Joaquim and Hertta). The brunch was super fun and we had so much to talk about and learn from them and them from us. It was great. Anyway, the design event very cool and featured lots of Finnish designers: clothing designers, jewelry designers, textile designers. It was definitely an event that was right up my alley. Here is one of the brands, Nouki, and I am definitely going to look into becoming an owner of one or two items from their amazingly cool array! Nouki designers design the textile prints and have them produced right here in Finland!

Currently, Finland -- our area of it, at least-- is in the midst of a heat wave. It was about 77 degrees here today and this weather should hold for a few more days. Then, Fall has got to arrive, I'd imagine.

On Tuesday, I went to a department sub-unit meeting at the university, for the English language sub-unit. That was really interesting! I was really confused about some of their practices; there is a national entrance exam, I gather, for MA admissions and Tampere University's acceptance rate is very low. This exam is changing based on some country-wide modifications, so that was a topic on the table. Also, the department is hiring a linguist, after I gather a failed search last year. Finally, a few upcoming department parties were discussed -- one of my favorite topics!

I did a bit of sewing this week, making Cece a shirt from fabric we bought at the totally overwhelming but totally amazing fabric store I mentioned a few weeks back. She was very excited to wear it for her school pictures on Tuesday. Rowan's school pictures were on Monday. And the school picture-taking company offers an option to have a "friend photo" or a "sibling photo," so we signed up for that -- and we'll see how all of the photos come out, when we get access to them!

Eric started Finnish classes this week at the Red Cross! But, he missed Tuesday's class because he'd forgotten his key after heading out on a bike ride and I was in the department meeting when he realized that, and I could not get the call or get him the key. So, he made it to one class early in the week and he's got one more this week, on Friday. Finnish is such a difficult language, but we're all trying to learn a bit.

In big news: Rowan's birthday is on Monday! We have lots of pre-birthday activities planned for the weekend and our friend Alia is coming from the US, after having secured a screaming price on a flight on Turkish Airways, through Istanbul! We are all excited for a friend to visit and, I must confess, I asked her to bring several US items that I have discovered I absolutely need ;)

[hambrababy]

2023 Year-End Roundup

With 2023 winding down, I want to do a short recap on the blog this year. A part of this is to help me evaluate my thoughts and writing with enough hindsight, but it’s also fun to see the weird places I wandered to throughout the year. I wasn’t planning on writing about electronic anime albums, a Gundam guide, and a journey through someone making crap up on Wikipedia, but it all led to some fun diversions, even if I still haven’t settled on a cohesive identity for this blog.

While this blog still wasn’t too active, I’m happy I had the discipline to write, edit, and release multiple posts on varying topics. This is all still a hobby of mine, but it’s good practice for my own writing. I don’t have huge aspirations for this page, but if I can make something entertaining and informative for at least a few other people while exploring my interests, that’s rewarding enough.

The only major change to the blog itself was making it look more presentable. A purple background with white text was a bad idea and I don’t know why I put it in at all, but hopefully the light pink with black text style ages better. Or maybe I’ll decide that look stinks too, we’ll see.

For some reason, neither this nor the Tumblr show up Google’s search, but they do appear on Yahoo and Bing. I’m doing the Google site analytics tools to crawl the URL and see what the issue is, but any advice is appreciated. I don’t want this to be stuck on social media alone, especially since I avoid using it too much.

With all that said, here's my brief recap of what happened here in 2023.

Posts

Diving into the Digital Trip My favorite and longest post that I worked on, this was a chance to explore a true passion of mine, and I’m glad that it got read and shared by others. I’ve loved going through these albums so much over my years of ani/toku song listening, but I noticed there was not a direct English overview of the series as available aside from blogs and scattered forum posts covering a few individual albums. While I hoped to balance providing actual details with some personal opinions, the overarching goal was to have some kind of record (tee hee) of the series.

There is the issue of writing about music without getting to demonstrate it with the actual songs, but I’m skittish about YouTube given my past experience with a fun clips channel that got nuked. Even for the official uploads, I didn’t want to rely on links to videos that could get eventually removed when writing the post. I’ve seen lots of posts that bank on watching a now-deleted linked video as a part of reading it, so I wanted to make the post work well enough on its own.

I also regret that I didn’t have enough primary sources to make it a proper “history”, and I disdain having to fall back on generalizations regarding some details like the series’ end. This is something I’d love to revisit again in the future, either as a more specific history or covering a few of the albums in more detail. Still, I enjoyed writing and releasing this one the most, and I hope I can make posts in this style going forwards.   A Journey Through an Internet Anime Rumor on Takeyuki Kanda An unexpected post idea that spun out of an offhand Discord conversation that then spiraled into a whole messy chain of tracking wrong rumors, but I think it came out decent. Sometimes I get so fixated on Som winding story that I need to write it out to put my mind at ease, for catharsis if nothing else. While that normally results in longer, meandering slogs I don’t end up releasing, this time it gave me something interesting to talk about, even if it ended up delaying the Digital Trip article.

The ending part is a bit more dramatic and speechifying than what I’d prefer, but I wanted to capture some of my frustrations that come dealing with anime rumors online. I still have an old Genki book a friend loaned years ago, but I do hope to have the time and plan to actually learn more Japanese, for my own education at least.

  Toei Took Down My Youtube Channel Self-explanatory. It was more an update for anyone familiar with my old channel than a real “post”, and there’s already loads more significant cases of Youtube’s copyright system being annoying for years. This also taught me why you shouldn’t ignore your inbox for multi-day stretches, even if you really want to.

  The Importance of Big Cool Sci Fi Stuff A breezy, if somewhat superficial post that was my first attempt at writing a post that wasn’t a review, publishing a translation, or episode recap/speculation. This was an idea I had nagging at me without thinking of the right way to formulate it, but I guess it was as plain as “big stuff in sci fi is cool”. I’d written argument-styled articles in real life a few times, so I thought this was a good chance to translate that style into something more nerdy and lower-stakes. If I were to write more opinionated stuff on the blog again, I’d aim it something close to this, though perhaps with stronger topics.     How to Get Into Gundam While I try to avoid writing things based of things that swim through social media, this started because I’d seen variations of this question pop up so many times. I wanted to make a more concise and direct guide that didn’t overcomplicate something that’s actually rather straightforward. The reductive, but still fairly accurate recommendation is to just follow production order, which is a useful “watch order” approach in almost all cases of franchises, but I think Gundam’s unique situation of being more a thematic umbrella made a guide like this helpful enough on its own, even if it’s less about the shows’ content.

This was intended more as a “how do I approach Gundam” rather than a “which ones are good”, since opinions on show quality are more personal and less helpful to a newcomer trying to explore. Besides, I’ve seen basically every show get praised or slagged by different people, and “fan consensus” is limiting in its own way, if it even exists. I still had some opinion parts fall in there more than I intended, but I think the updated version is better balanced. I don’t know if I could or want to make other guides like this going forwards, but this was a fun diversion regardless. My ideal guide would be something closer to Berndadelta Subs’ guides for Pre-Zyu Sentai and Metal Heroes that talk about aspects and specifics that might appeal to different people, but I hope mine is still helpful to some extent.

(Also, I once accidentally removed the pics from the Blogspot version. Oops!)

  G-Witch Episodes 1-6 Recaps These weren’t technically this year, but I figured I’d include them anyways. This was an attempt to have a recurring benchmark to meet, but college eventually caught up with me. I still watched the show all the way through and enjoyed it even after I stopped doing the recaps (and season recaps I tentatively promised), though I felt talking about it with others on Discord was a better way of working through my thoughts than posts like this.

I’m not sure this type of weekly recap is that useful except as a marker of some of my initial impressions. There’s no shortage of takes, opinions, and weekly recaps on anime anyways, so I figure this is something I won’t try again.  

Translations (all courtesy of Windii)

Macross DT Liner Notes A supplement to the DT article that gave some of the more concrete details for how the arranging process worked, which was also gratifying for one of my favorite albums in the series. The harmonic math involved on some tracks also highlighted the careful technical knowledge needed for this kind of song arranging. I hope to have more DT liner notes translated in the future.

Newtype August 2023: Ippei Gyoubu Interview on G-Witch’s Costume Designs Sci fi costume design is a longstanding interest of mine, so this was my favorite interview to see translated. A lot of the details also made me appreciate aspects of the show I hadn’t noticed as closely, especially with Suletta’s outfits. Costume design is much more important and deliberate in original anime shows than I had realized, and I’d still love to see more about the other costume designs, especially the Earth House casual outfits and epilogue ones.

  Animedia February 2023: Mogmog Interview on G-Witch’s Character Designs This was the first interview I got translated. I wanted to avoid duplicating subjects or interviews other people might do, but I more so chose this article because I loved the designs for the show, especially in that they came from a total newcomer to anime. Mogumo has amazing skills as a character designer and artist, even if the more anime-involved designers played a large role as well, and I enjoyed the character descriptions they were aiming for (especially Suletta and Miorine being dog and cat-like). The interview also showed how involved director Kobayashi was in the process at multiple points, and seeing character details worked out through the design traits is always fun to learn.

I really hope Mogumo and Hisadake can do more anime-related work in the future, especially seeing their designs in new contexts. I bought some of their concept pitch art books digitally, and it seems like they’re also putting out more extensive work at the recent Comiket 103.

Stuff I Want to Tackle in the Future

I don’t have concrete plans for what I’ll tackle in 2024, but there are a few ideas I’ve ruminated over:   Translations I feel like so much knowledge about anime is limited because of how much information is out there but goes untranslated, leaving people to speculate (or fabricate) in its place. Learning Japanese is still a far-off goal for me, but I still want to do what I can to get better information about anime floating around through paying people who are good at it (thanks again Windii!). I’ll continue buying some magazines and books myself, but there’s also loads of pages that people have scanned online over the years that are still lying untranslated. Ideally, I want to get more liner notes and older anime magazine articles up throughout the year, though I am still limited by my own finances. More immediately I want to get other liner notes and articles on a few series I like translated, so look out for those in the next months.

  Short Opinion/Analysis Articles These would be in the succinct style of the “Big Cool Sci Fi Stuff” article but sometimes focused on more meaty topics. The main one I teased was exploring the way people talk about anime directors, but I’m wary of diving into discussions of fandom habits since it’s too easy to abstract and generalize. Talking about fandom discourse is also less important to me given how ephemeral and subjective it is.

I also want to avoid straight reviews or critical analysis, since I think there’s no shortage of media analysis and criticism online that is still entertaining but less substantive in the longer-term than more fact-centered discussions. I have plenty of opinions on the narratives of anime and enjoy talking with pals and friends about some aspects, but I feel like anime plot discussion is a very saturated field that I don’t have anything interesting enough to add to in longer posts. If I do write something like that, I’d tag it under something like “Ruminations”.

I don’t begrudge the people who make reviews, rankings, or discuss anime plots and themes. 

It takes a special skillset to articulate cogent and readable opinions beyond mere quick or angry takes. But I feel like opinions on writing and stories have sucked up too much space in anime discussions for a long time compared to other topics like artistic styles, production history, or broader looks at narrative structure, even if that’s been changing lately. I want to make more unique contributions that are still opinionated but would go beyond the standard habits of critical reviews, hopefully something more unique and useful.

While I know what I want to avoid, it’ll take more time to find more focused topics to write about. Additional retrospective overviews of albums are one possibility, and there are broader aspects of some shows I want to explore beyond more standard critical reviews, but there’s a lot I remain unsure about. Still, I’m optimistic I’ll form something out of this tentative plan.

  Animation Links Hub I’m nowhere near the skills and capacities of the many people who talk about animation and art in anime, but I always regret how decentralized many sites, people, and resources are when trying to learn about the craft behind anime. This would ideally be a more centralized hub of links to pages that both I and others could use.  

Whatever Else I’m sure there’s other things I’ll think of in the future. Balancing the need to not constrict my scope while still giving my blog some kind of tangible identity is difficult, but I hope I can still make this whole thing distinct enough.  

Conclusion

Despite the infrequency, I’m satisfied at what I was able to cover this year. I always want to improve my skills as writer, both creative and informative, and this site has already helped as practice. If I can find continued inspiration, I hope to keep this going at least a few more years. I’m expecting life to get busier next year both in real life work and with other creative pursuits, but I plan to make enough time to make new posts here and expand into different topics.

Here’s to 2024!   Thanks, Hambrababy

Linktree with other socials and websites

[lycanthrology]

may i know abt ur OCs,, 🥺👉👈

!!!! yes of course!!!

i made a silly personality quiz as well

there’s four like major guys but they all have family and stuff i wont go into them too much tho coz yknow yAwn

Aidan Clarke

Basically the villain of the bunch, but I have the feeling that if this was a real piece of media people would be bending over backwards to try to excuse his shitty behaviour. He’s a uk college dropout who’s got a lot of guilt and anger so he takes it out violently on other people to feel better. He went to prison for three years or so for accidentally killing his father and now he’s trying to errr basically complete a ritual to become a god. No one’s ever done it before though so no one knows what’s actually going to happen. He and his whole family are werewolves so er yeah. He’s a mean little man who deserves nothing. Nothing. Aidan is a white cishet man.

Baize Ross

She’s Aidan’s sister who changed her name when he went to prison so she couldn’t be associated as easily. She can be intimidating and cold, but also like really stupid. Baize wants to stop Aidan from uniting the gods because she knows he’ll abuse the power and use it selfishly. She often lies and hurts people, but thinks its justified by the End Goal. As time goes on her reasoning gets more and more skewed until she’s basically on a revenge quest for her own benefit. She’s deaf in one ear after Aidan related head trauma. And yeah she’s also a werewolf. Baize is a white bi cis woman in a relationship with Kaleela.

Kaleela Antoine

She’s probably the only character I’d want to be my friend irl other than maybe Lennox. Kal is super warm and kind, but can also be assertive and stubborn when she needs to be. She loves action movies and hanging out with her dad. Her and her dad have a really strong bond. When she was nine, her mother died in a car crash, and it pushed them closer together. Kal tries to talk to him at least once every day either in person or on the phone. Kal’s dad is from Algeria and they both know Arabic, French and English fluently. She suffers from anxiety and worries a lot about how people perceive her. She’s an up and coming ballet dancer that a lot of critics are talking about and hopes to make dance her full time career one day. She’s so lovely and tries her hardest to stay positive through most situations. Kaleela is a mixed race (Black and Pakistani) cis muslim lesbian in a relationship with Baize.

Lennox Smith

Lennox is an out of work astrophysicist who was in Baize’s sociology class in college. He went on to study astrophysics at university. They dated briefly but that’s way in the past and they’ve mutually agreed to ignore it. He’s sarcastic and standoffish when he hasn’t warmed up to someone, but he’s always willing to help people wherever he can. He’s close with his older brother, who was born with MS. However, he’s managed to drift from his family by forcing himself too far into his studies and not allowing himself any time off to see them during uni, then feeling too ashamed to reconnect afterwards. In the group, he seems to gravitate towards Kal. They almost instantly became good friends. Lennox is wary of Baize. He’s willing to go along with her though, as he’s developed a big fear of amounting to nothing since he cant get any work placements and thinks getting involved in her wild family drama might help him find a purpose. He’s so smart but super underappreciated and deserving of way more respect than he gets. Lennox is a Black bi trans man with adhd and autism.

[undertale-data]

[Image Description: An Undertale chat box that has “WHY FANS LOVE UNDERTALE” at its center. Next to it are a line chart and an Egg from the Dating Hub on its left, and a CRIME measurer (also from the Dating Hub) on its right. End I.D.]

[Image Description: a pie chart titled, “LEVEL OF LOVE FOR UNDERTALE.” The textbox on the top right reads, “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the least and 10 being the highest, how much do fans enjoy Undertale?” From the top going clockwise, 12 or 0% chose 5 and below; 23 or 1% chose 6; 98, or 4%, chose 7; 325, or 12%, chose 8; 529, or 20%, chose 9; and 1664, or 63%, chose 10. End I.D.]

It’s clear from all of the data analyzed so far that fans who took the time to answer our survey love Undertale. It is unlikely that they would have taken the time to answer so many questions if they had not, and even less likely that they would have come across our survey in the first place. Naturally, it comes as no surprise that 63% of our responders gave their love for Undertale a score of ten out of ten. 95% gave their love for Undertale a score of eight or higher, and only 12 responders responded with five or below, a number so small that their responses had to be lumped together to be visible on the pie chart. Of those, only 3 responders gave their love for Undertale a score of 1, and based on those responders’ other answers, it is likely that they were only intending to troll. We are very fortunate that the vast majority of responders took the survey seriously, enough so that responses like this are barely a blip in the data.

Now, for our final analysis post of the event, we will delve into the reasons that fans love Undertale so dearly.

(Essay and highlights under the cut.)

There have been countless essays on the impact that Undertale has had on people’s lives. I can hardly add more on the subject than what has already been said, but I hope this summary can provide a brief overview of what stood out among the over two thousand answers given in response to this survey. That said, due to the sheer volume of answers, I could not read every single one in depth—however, I did skim all of them, and some that stood out or were representative of several responses have been highlighted below. If you would like to see what every fan who consented to share their response had to say, you may view the full list of responses here. Note that these responses have not been edited in any way. This document may take a long time to load, as it is over 100 pages long.

(Warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts in the following essay.)

Several responders loved the theme of choices mattering in Undertale. Whether people played the pacifist, merciless, or neutral routes, they enjoyed how the game reacted to their actions. For some, it even made them consider their own morality. One touching response explained the impact that the theme of mercy made on them. “I realized that Mercy isn't something that's given to those who deserve it. Flowey didn't deserve it. I don't deserve it myself. Shoot, we ALL need Mercy in our lives.” Many fans left similar comments about how the themes of Undertale made them better people.

Undertale changed how its fans treat others, and it also changed how fans treat themselves. The theme of staying determined and the messages of hope in the game were a light to a very large portion of fans. I cannot list all of the fans who said that Undertale helped them out of a dark place, or that they would not be alive if not for Undertale. “DETERMINATION became a metaphor for not killing myself at a really rough time in my life and I’ll always cherish that. Undertale isn’t afraid to go to really dark places but at the same time holds on so tight to its hope.”

Undertale brought fans together in unexpected ways. Some said they met friends or significant others through the fandom. “I wouldn't have met my now husband without Undertale,” one fan said. A different fan who is non-native English speaking mentioned that the game and the fan community helped them to learn English.

It would be impossible to discuss Undertale without mentioning the fan community. Whether for good or bad, many responders mentioned the fandom in their responses. Overall the feelings towards the fandom seem positive, though many made references to “toxic” parts of the fandom without specifying which parts they consider toxic. Others rejected the idea of toxicity in fandom. One response said: “[SLAMS FIST ON DESK] I KNOW MOST PEOPLE SAY THE FANDOM IS TOXIC AND CRINGE OR WHATEVER BUT OH MY GOD. The Undertale fandom, both the UTMV and the actual UT fandom, has been so much fun to be a part of. I've met countless friends because of our shared interest in something related to the game! The art people create can be breathtaking and so inspirational, and the fanfics are so so good!! I've seen people write incredible things for this fandom and it's what made me continue writing!”

One thing that makes the Undertale fandom unique is the way it embraces various AUs. Some fans are tired of AU content, but the majority of responses show a love for the creativity behind AUs. “Roll your eyes at the 50th AU Sans all you want, it's encouraging people to step outside the boundaries of fanart and pushing people to make their own ideas! I mean, hell, it was how I gained the confidence to start making my own original content.” The lack of a judgemental atmosphere seems present in the AU community, according to the responses we saw. There is an interesting balance between AU and canon (sometimes referred to as “classic”) content that another responder pointed out: “The fandom helped keep the game alive all these years, with all of its AUs. Although personally, I always enjoyed AUs that kept characters as close to the classic material as possible (dancetale, outertale) I do appreciate the creativity of the fandom. They almost created entirely new stories with new characters of their own! If it weren't for those people, the Undertale fandom would have probably not been as active as it is now. I do feel like we're getting a resurgence of classic content now too! (In 2021)”

Regardless of the many AUs the fandom has created over the years, the original game of Undertale still feels like home for many fans. They wished they could reclaim the feeling of playing the game again for the first time, but even though we can’t reset time in real life, there is still a special feeling for fans each time they play Undertale. One fan said, “Even the best fics I've read can't capture that feeling of nostalgia/almost-"coming home" that comes with hearing the music and talking to the characters.” This feeling is one that can be cherished time and time again. In the words of another responder: “It always feels welcoming like home or like comfort food that I never grow tired of no matter how many times I go to it.” Others pointed out the strength of the found family trope in Undertale, which likely contributes to this feeling of “home” as well.

As mentioned briefly earlier, the music is part of what makes Undertale feel like home for fans. Even when responses focused on other aspects of the game, many would throw in a comment about the soundtrack at the end. One comment focused on the music said “IT'S SO GOOD like I will literally go through the entire thing over and over and not be bored with it. It makes my monkey brain so happy you have no idea.” Like with the game itself, the music has incredible replay value, an amazing feat considering most of the tracks use the same few motifs. “I think what I like the most about Undertale is how the music attaches you to the story,” another responder said. “They're simple melodies that stick with you throughout the whole game, and they can remind you of both good and bad times.”

If the music sticks with fans in their hearts, then the game’s lore sticks with fans in their minds. Even six years after the release of Undertale, fans are still creating new theories and digging up new secrets. The way the game breaks the fourth wall in particular intrigued many fans and has stuck out through all these years. The awareness that the game shows for the RPG genre makes it memorable. The game plays with the player’s expectations and turns them on their heads, all while reminding the player that they’re in a game. There are few other games that do this on such a large scale, so it’s no surprise that fans cite this as one of their favorite things about Undertale.

Lastly, the LGBT+ representation in Undertale has been a huge draw for fans. Especially in 2015, the sheer volume of non-cishet characters was unprecedented, as one fan pointed out: “It's practically unheard of to see so MANY from just one source, especially during its heyday in 2015-16. Hell, you can't even GET the true pacifist ending without helping two gay couples hook up. It's really nice to see all of them being accepted for who they are and not judged for their sexuality or gender, at least in-canon.” The LGBT+ cast including Frisk, Chara, Napstablook, Monster Kid, Mettaton, Alphys, and Undyne each connected with fans in unique ways. It’s clear how important this is from responses such as: “There are canon nonbinary characters 🥺. i have never seen representation of myself before.” “It made me gay and trans so thanks for that.”

Once again I am overwhelmed with just how much there is to say about Undertale. One responder really understood when they compared Undertale to an iceberg, explaining that there are so many layers to the game that there is something for everyone: “everyone can find something to enjoy in the lore/game regardless of what kind of fan they are! Being able to appeal to various types of fans—from simple happy shipper people to deep dive lorediggers—is the mark of the coolest games!” I would have to agree with them.

It’s been six years, and despite everything, it’s still you. Thank you for reading, participating in this survey, and above all, staying determined.

Highlights:

DETERMINATION became a metaphor for not killing myself at a really rough time in my life and I’ll always cherish that. Undertale isn’t afraid to go to really dark places but at the same time holds on so tight to its hope.

I think the coolest thing was having the opportunity to watch the AU community grow from its bare roots. It's nearly insane how big and complex it's gotten, unlike anything I'd ever seen before. Roll your eyes at the 50th AU Sans all you want, it's encouraging people to step outside the boundaries of fanart and pushing people to make their own ideas! I mean, hell, it was how I gained the confidence to start making my own original content.

i love how the lgbt rep is so naturalized... there are just gay people! and its nobodys business!

The music is my go to answer, but what I really really REALLY love is how the minor characters have so much personality to them when you talk to them. They aren't incredibly important to the overall story, but they're all so likeable and diverse that you just can't help but like them immediately!

I think it was the first videogame I have played that broke the fourth wall that much. Of course there has been other videogames that broke it but just for one or two tongue-in-cheek jokes. The guilt of killing mama goat was also something intense as well that I appreciated as an experience and that I didn't think a videogame could cause on someone.

I love how no character can be seen as completely bad! Everyone builds up Asgore as some horrible villain, but he turns out to be a 'fuzzy pushover' who's broken and just wants his family back by the time you meet him. Then you think Flowey's an irredeemable killer who engineered the suffering of the monsters across many timelines, and he is... but he also used to be the kind and beloved Prince Asriel Dreemurr, traumatized by his death and subsequent rebirth, projecting his best friend onto you.

The fact that choices matter in the game. Your first playthrough and getting the golden ending for the first time. I can never replicate those feelings again, wish I could erase my memories and replay the game from the start.

I wouldn't have met my now husband without Undertale.

(Toxic parts of the fandom aside) The community is possibly one of the kindest I've ever met. Cringe culture is completely dead, and I feel like I can be myself. I felt a very close connection to many of the characters, and I loved consuming content about them when I was in a rough patch in my life.

just everything, the whole game has just impacted my life so much. i know it sounds really lame, but when the game first came out, i would purposely put my hands in my pockets and sway slightly, like sans' idle animation. of course i dont do that anymore haha, but undertale still really impacts me to this day, and i wouldnt have it any other way :)

it made me gay and trans so thanks for that

I realized that Mercy isn't something that's given to those who deserve it. Flowey didn't deserve it. I don't deserve it myself. Shoot, we ALL need Mercy in our lives.

The thing I love most about Undertale is no matter how many times I play or watch a playthrough it always makes me genuinely happy. It always feels welcoming like home or like comfort food that I never grow tired of no matter how many times I go to it. Toriel still makes me feel all warm and cozy in her home, the Skelebros always make me laugh, and I still cry on the inside watching Frisk comforting Asriel. And on the flip side the No Mercy run still invokes the negative emotions in me as well. In short Undertale just feels like a second home to me and I always wish I could stay.

The reader inserts are my favorite way to decompress after a hard day

I think Undertale helped me discover my love for 8-bit games, and made me realize how IMPORTANT music is in video games.

the worldbuilding and character design are my favorite parts of the main game apart from the music! I’m also a huge fan of the random AU music- not for like underswap or underfell i like the stuff where someone makes a megalovania for a random au where gru from despicable me replaces sans as the character. i think its funny

Just... the vibe, honestly? Even the best fics I've read can't capture that feeling of nostalgia/almost-"coming home" that comes with hearing the music and talking to the characters.

there are canon nonbinary characters 🥺. i have never seen representation of myself before.

[SLAMS FIST ON DESK] I KNOW MOST PEOPLE SAY THE FANDOM IS TOXIC AND CRINGE OR WHATEVER BUT OH MY GOD. The Undertale fandom, both the UTMV and the actual UT fandom, has been so much fun to be a part of. I've met countless friends because of our shared interest in something related to the game! The art people create can be breathtaking and so inspirational, and the fanfics are so so good!! I've seen people write incredible things for this fandom and it's what made me continue writing!

There's a scene where Frisk (the player) is going towards what is presumably going to be their death. They will fight Asgore and he will use their human soul to break the barrier and free his people. The music, despite the player's impending doom, is... triumphant. You are not the triumphant one here, and yet, the score invites you to experience the monsters' joy and happiness as they tell you the tale of their subjugation. The monsters are going to be free. This is their victory, but they don't hate you or want you to die. They're just... happy. That scene has always struck me very deeply. I feel it represents the best parts of Undertale.

I loved how well thought out the Geno route was. It really made me feel like I was doing something horrible, and the characters were very obviously reacting to dire circumstances.

I dunno? I like Undertale for it's characters, story, music, secrets and many more. I am not good with Headcanons but I also like the neutral endings and how different they can depending on who you spare and kill

I was very bad at english before, i thought i couldn't progress because i was very shy and not confident. But my sibling and i wanted to have the best experience with this game so we wanted to play it in english. It's this game and the fandom which helped me to make huge progress in english !

THE SOUNDTRACK. IT'S SO GOOD like I will literally go through the entire thing over and over and not be bored with it. It makes my monkey brain so happy you have no idea.

to avoid writing an essay i will say one word. Mettaton

It is like Toby specifically made the games to fit the iceberg meme and it's awesome, everyone can find something to enjoy in the lore/game regardless of what kind of fan they are! Being able to appeal to various types of fans - from simple happy shipper people to deep dive lorediggers is the mark of the coolest games!

I love almost everything about Undertale as a game on its own. The music, the art and especially the characters and how they interact. They made me feel at home. Undertale means a huge amount to me. (I even got a tattoo of the castle when you and MK walk together!) The fandom helped keep the game alive all these years, with all of its AUs. Although personally, I always enjoyed AUs that kept characters as close to the classic material as possible (dancetale, outertale) I do appreciate the creativity of the fandom. They almost created entirely new stories with new characters of their own! If it weren't for those people, the Undertake fandom would have probably not been as active as it is now. I do feel like we're getting a resurgence of classic content now too! (In 2021)

the mystery. toby fox refused to give answers to anything and i think thats very sexy of him.

I just feel guilty for liking it so much when I'm in my 30's. But I recently got diagnosed with ASD, so I guess it explains things a bit. Many ppl consider Papyrus to be neurodivergent, and some adult fans are too, so seeing that makes me feel a bit better.

i think about "Despite everything, it's still you" everyday of my life.

I like how it's just as funny as it can be serious. All routes are this way. I laughed as much as I cried when I played the Pacifist route and then once I opened the game again and Flowey was telling me to let them be happy, I immediately turned off the game. I somehow felt bad.

The Found Family Trope

The True Pacifist Ending is just...man. And the fanworks about saving everyone even when the game doesn't let you? MANNNNNN

I think what I like the most about Undertale is how the music attaches you to the story. They're simple melodies that stick with you throughout the whole game, and they can remind you of both good and bad times.

there's honestly a LOT to love about this game, but i think one of my favorite things about it is just how many lgbt+ characters there are??? i can think of alphys, undyne, frisk, chara, mettaton, napstablook, monster kid, asgore, mad mew mew, the dress lion, the royal guards, and arguably even papyrus off of the top of my head, but im sure i'm forgetting a few from just undertale alone (there's even MORE in deltarune)!! it's practically unheard of to see so MANY from just one source, especially during its heyday in 2015-16. hell, you can't even GET the true pacifist ending without helping two gay couples hook up. it's really nice to see all of them being accepted for who they are and not judged for their sexuality or gender, at least in-canon.

[Image description: A wordcloud in the shape of the capitalized word UNDERTALE. The text is white on a black background, and uses the font found in the game. Some of the most visible words are: Game, Love, Music, Life, AU, Store, Friend, and Feel, which represent the most common words in the essays people wrote about their love for the game. End of ID]

[shotofire]

A Life Saver

•LEVI ACKERMAN x READER

•Overview: Levi saves you, someone he barely knew, from certain death

•Warnings: mentions of death, gore description, cursing, near death experience, bit of angst, very brief mention of sex

•Season: season one range with a few altercations

-

At first, you didn’t want to become a scout. The thought of putting your life on the line wasn’t appealing, and it really just scared the hell out of you. Serving in the military police was a path you chose to go down. It was what you wanted for awhile then things started to not feel right.

The scouts were putting other lives before their own and you began to admire their bravery. Even when things looked like there was no light on the other side they pushed through. They proved that even mass death can result in a small victory that gave the people hope, something to help the nation push forward.

After serving in the military police for many years you decided it was time to step down. You wanted to become a scout, you wanted to help make a change. Your comrades thought you were absolutely insane, and they begged you to not make the choice. You refused, and soon you joined the scouts.

Mission after mission you survived and killed titans. You lost friends way too often, and the hurt and loneliness that came with the job would make anyone break. You’d been broken from the inside out in ways you’d never imagined. At the end of the day, you knew it was for the greater good.

The hope for a change only became greater when a boy showed up with the abilities of a titan. You knew to have such strength on your side was promising, and you saw light at the end of the extremely dark tunnel.

You’d served many long heart wrenching years by the time hope like that had shown up, and it only pushed you to keep going. You longed to live in a world without titans. All you wanted was to run free in field and see new things.

Today was a normal day, but that’s how any bad day starts. You’d woke up early to watch the sunrise with your close, and pretty much last friend, Molly. She was the best person you’d ever met and had been by your side for years. You had never admired anyone more than her.

“You know that titan kid is only fifteen, isn’t that insane?” She says before taking a sip of the coffee you had made her.

Your eyebrows raise at her words, “Wait really?”

The women laughs a bit at your shocked reaction then nods her head. She sets her coffee on the blanket you two are sitting on then leans back onto her hands, staring up at the sky that swirls with colors of orange and pink.

“To have this kind of hope is the best feeling i’ve had in years,” she says, “this is going to unlock so many closed doors we don’t know about. I think that finally we’re going to get some answers about how the hell the world turned into this mess.”

The smile on her face was full of such joy. She truly was excited for the future, you’d never seen someone actually look forward to what is lying ahead. A few days ago everyone thought titans would rein for hundreds of more years. Then all of the sudden that perspective has changed and no one knows what is going to come next.

“Yeah, I hope the future is bright,” you whispered.

You lay down to stare up at the sky, and Molly follows your movements. The two of you lay there in silence, thinking of a peaceful world where so much fear and death does not exist. You turn your head to look at your bestfriend to find her eyes are already on you.

“Our futures are bright, (y/n),” she says with a smile, “We’re going to live in cute little houses by the ocean!”

You can’t help but smile and roll your eyes at her. She always brought up this big body of water she’d read about in an illegal book when she was a teenager. The women could go on an on about it, as if she’d seen it before herself.

“If the ocean is even real,” you say with a smirk.

She scoffs at you before rolling her eyes harder than you just had, “Of course it’s real!”

You two spend the next hour talking about what you’d do or who you’d be doing if life were different. Molly wished for a family, to fall in love. She’d talked about it many times before but she refused to bring children into a world like this. You felt similar, expect children weren’t really on your radar. You longed to fall in love and grow old with someone.

But everyday brought death and destruction. You didn’t want to fall madly in love and then watch your whole world crumble as a titan took them away from you. The pain you had from your friends screaming your name as monsters had them in their grip was already too much to bare.

Heavy footsteps came in your direction at high speed, and soon you could hear heavy breathing along with it. You and Molly sat up quickly and saw one of your comrades running at you with pure fear in their eyes.

“Wall rose has been compromised!” They scream, voice laced with panic.

Molly’s eyes widen right as yours do. The feeling of uncertainty course through your veins almost instantly. You’ll never get used to the way your stomach drops when you hear things like that. Who could ever get used to that? Knowing you’re about to watch more people die would make anyone feel this way.

Before you know it you’re running to get your uniform on and strap on your gear. No one saw this coming. Then again, how the hell would they see this coming? You scramble to find you gear and you panic as it’s no where to be found.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” You yell as the panic begins to set in.

Hands grab each of your shoulders to hold you still, and that’s when you see Molly’s worried eyes. She looks at you with concern. The last mission had both of you on edge more than ever before. Both of you lost someone dear, someone who was close to you as you were to each other. Knowing that today you could lose Molly was making your mind and body think like a mad man.

“You gear is with my stuff, remember? You didn’t want to lose it so you asked me to hold onto it,” she reminds you.

The sweet women pulls you into a tight hug, and you can feel her body trembling. The two of you had no time for this, people were probably already being slaughtered. Right as you begin to think this a scream rips through the air, one that makes you two grip one another tighter.

“We’re going to fight and we’re going to survive,” she says sternly, “do you hear me? Don’t you dare die on me (y/n).”

You nod into her chest as tears begin to form in your eyes. So much could change in an instant and you wished time could freeze so you could hug your bestfriend forever. But reality was sinking in and you knew you had titans to kill and lives to save.

The hug was short lived, and soon you were faced with the destruction held within wall rose. Titans stomped around mindlessly, some with those creepy smiles that you absolutely hated.

Your blades cut through nape after nape and your head was starting to spin. Somewhere along the way you lost Molly, which had never happened before. You hated not having her around. The constant fear of not knowing what position she could possibly be in made you sick to your stomach.

You flew through the air at a high speed, trying to get leverage on the abnormal that was chasing after you. It’s mouth hung open as it’s disgusting blood drenched touched dripped into the buildings below. You’d never faced an abnormal and didn’t expect it to dodge your attack minutes ago.

Sure you were extremely skilled but it’s hard to work your way around a fast moving titan. It’s arms flew in the air behind it, the beast was an odd sight. You’d never witnessed a titan act so strangely before.

You’d been observing the monster too closely, but only for a few seconds. But as any soldier knows, a few moments can cost you your entire life. You turned your attention back infront of you but you didn’t have time to react before you slammed into a chimney. Out of all things that could’ve contributed to your death it just had to be a damn chimney.

The impact made your vision blur and you couldn’t even really feel the pain. The sun beamed down on you as your body layed limp on the rooftop. The sky was a beautiful shade of blue, and you wished you could fly up there with the birds and be free.

The abnormals hand picked you off the home as if you were nothing, only a small ant compared to it. It’s eyes were completely lifeless as it stared at you with hunger.

“Don’t you dare die on me (y/n)!”

Molly’s words rang through your mind but you couldn’t move. The injury to your head made you feel as if you were in a dream. There was no sense of reality right now, you couldn’t even comprehend that you were about to reach your end.

In a way you knew, reality wasn’t too far off. But you couldn’t find the energy to fight back. It had all been drained from you as the battle continued, and the final blow left you motionless.

You closed your eyes hoping somehow that’d stop you from feeling the coming pain. Every part of you didn’t want to die. Molly’s dreams about living by the ocean had become yours as well even if you wouldn’t admit it. The thought of leaving her with no body brought tears to your eyes.

That’s when you tried to move with the little energy left in your body, but it was no use. The tears began to stream down your face and the fear began to set in. Fear like this had never been within you, it was a brand new feeling. You guess certain death does that to you.

“No!” You say as loud as you can, “Someone please help me!”

Knowing this is what so many of the people you loved had to experience broke your heart. It was already bad enough to know they were gone and you couldn’t have saved them. But this was so much worse, they died with such fear. Fear that almost paralyzed you.

The sound of blades ripping through skin filled your ears. The titans grip on you loosened, then let go completely. You felt yourself falling, but you kept your eyes closed. Fear had already made its way to every inch of your body and you couldn’t move even more than before.

Right before you slammed to the ground below strong arms caught you. A grunt slipped past the unknown persons lips at the impact of your body. They carried you into a near by tavern that was deserted of people, then set you on one of the tables.

“Hey,” the deep voice said, “c’mon now I know you aren’t dead, don’t go out like this.”

Your eyes fluttered open to see the dangerously handsome man in your face. He was awfully close, you could feel his breath on your nose. His eyes were wide with concern.

“Captain Levi?” You asked followed by a gut wrenching cough. Blood splattered onto your lips and you groaned.

He couldn’t have been the one who saved you, right? You’d only talked to Levi a handful of times, and all were him giving you orders. You’d never had a desire to talk to him even if you found him incredibly attractive.

You’d admired the man for years as well. He has lost as many people as you, maybe more. He had already been on the scouts for many years before you joined. The man had watched the passion you held as you killed titans at alarming speed. He knew exactly who you were and what you had to offer, that’s why he saved you.

He smiled softly at you, not even enough for you to notice. For a second he thought you wouldn’t wake up and he’d be carrying a lifeless body back to medical. You cough a bit more before sitting up. A gasp slips past your lips and pain shoots through your body.

“Holy shit that fucking hurts,” you curse.

You see the fresh blood on your hands and wonder if it’s yours. The pounding in your head only increases as you move. The room felt like it was spinning and you may vomit any second.

“Do I need to take you to medical?” He asks with concern in his voice.

Your vision looks at the raven haired man and your memory starts to come back. One second you were flying through the air and then stupidly slammed into a chimney. And that damned titan was about to feast on you, what a bitch. Then you realized Levi was the one who stopped you from your near death.

“Why did you save me?” You ask without answering him first.

He sighs at your question. He had only moved that fast to save someone a handful of times. It just felt right to save you. He was there, you were there, he couldn’t just let you die. It wasn’t too far out of reach, he had already been headed in your direction.

“Because you’re strong and the scouts need you,” he answers, “now tell me if I need to take you to medical.”

His features were stern and it made your stomach flip a bit. If there weren’t titans outside and pain wasn’t consuming your body you may have thrown out a stupid flirtatious remark due to your bubbly personality. But this wasn’t the time and place no matter how good the captain looked right now.

“I just need a minute,” you said softly as you pushed your weight off the table.

You hissed in pain before stretching your body. The bones in your body crack loudly and you let out a low grunt at the feeling. The pounding in your head began to simmer and you took deep breaths.

“Thank you captain Levi,” you said, “my friend would’ve personally brought me back to just kill me herself.”

He chuckled a bit at your remark and you couldn’t even recall captain Levi smiling let alone chuckling. This whole situation was weird and unrealistic to you. Maybe you were already dead and this was your afterlife. A hot guy saves you and later you two will go to bone town, sounds pretty fun.

“I literally ran into a chimney,” you grumbled.

Levi’s eyes squinted at your words in confusion, “You what?”

“I didn’t get caught by a titan while trying to kill it heroically. I wasn’t paying attention for like three seconds and slammed into a damn chimney, not too sure the scouts really need me,” you say.

He shakes his head at your words and was becoming annoyed by your self doubt.

“I know, I saw,” he says and your cheek almost immediately turn red, “and I still saved you cause I thought you were worth it.”

You couldn’t get words out after what he said. You only stared at him in shock. He saw you make a foul out of yourself but yet still risked his life to save you. Levi truly was an interesting man.

“Well then, thank you again,” you say, “maybe I should thank you in a different way.” You wiggle your eyebrows then let out a laugh into your palm as his face falls at your words.

“Holy shit i’m kidding, please don’t make me do laps for that. Jokes make me feel better,” you still were holding back laughter at the face Levi made. You never thought you’d make the captain flustered like that.

“Uh,” his cheeks redden, “We need to get back out there. It’s starting to get worse, are you sure you’re okay (y/n).”

You take a deep breath before nodding your head. The two of you immediately begin to speed walk towards the open door of the tavern.

“I’m going to need you to follow me. The titans are huddled in the west and help is needed there,” he orders you and you respond with a yes captain, which always makes you cringe.

“Oh and by the way,” he says with a smirk, “that other way of thanking me is always welcome.”

This time he leaves you flustered. He heads west and you stand there for a few seconds before you remember you’re supposed to be following him. His remark might have you slamming into another chimney.

After fighting for hours many people had been successfully moved to wall sina. Some titans still mindlessly walked around within the walls of rose, but atleast many people were saved. There was still a great heartfelt loss that day.

When you got back to base your heart was pounding in your ears. All you could think about was Molly and if she was okay. You hadn’t seen her since you two got separated during the hell bent events. Your eyes scanned frantically through the base, searching for her everywhere.

Your mind went to the worst place possible and you begin to panic. She had to be okay, she was all you had. You needed her more than anyone else. If she’s gone you might as well let a titan eat you during your next mission. Molly kept you alive, and kept you fighting.

“(y/n)?” You hear a familiar deep voice ask.

You spin on your heals and are met with the same deep brown eyes that saved you earlier today. Levi looked upset, face a bit fallen. That’s when your heart sank to your stomach. Did he know where Molly was? Or if she had even made it back?

“Follow me,” he says without any other detail.

He starts walking and you immediately follow as your heart races. At this point you wouldn’t be surprised if he could hear it. Your eyes scan to a sign that says medical as Levi opens the door below it.

You’re led to a the back of the room and you gasp at the sight. On the bed layed Molly with bandages covering many parts of her body. Your eyes fill with tears at the safe shes in, this was too much.

“She’s going to be okay, and the nurse told me she should be up soon,” he says.

You nod your head at his words before reaching to hold Molly’s hand, it was cold as ice.

“Can you please get her a blanket,” you state, it wasn’t even a question. It was more like you weren’t letting go of her hand, more like you couldn’t.

Levi nods and fetches her a couple blankets. He covers her for you and you thank him. The tears still run down your face, but you had already stopped wiping them away. It was no use because they just kept coming harder and harder as you looked at your bestfriend.

“Thank you Levi, I would’ve gone crazy looking for her back there,” you smile through the hurt.

He only hums in response to your words, letting silence fill the air. His hand comes to rest on your shoulder and his fingers move slightly to give you some comfort. It truly was a nice feeling to have someone with you right now, you might think too hard if he wasn’t here.

“I’ll give you some space-“ “no,” You cut him off, “please don’t go.”

Levi sees the hurt in your eyes. He could tell you needed someone right now even if he wasn’t much of a comforting person.

“okay,” he whispers.

He then pulls up a chair next to yours and sits with you for the next few hours in silence. It was somewhat nice, for both of you. Molly begins to stir in her sleep and your perk up. Her eyes flutter open and the first thing she sees is you and she smiles.

“We’ll look at that,” she smiles, “you’re just obsessed with me aren’t you (y/n).”

You laugh through happy tears forming in your eyes. She takes a deep breath and tries to stretch her body but the pain to still too much. She feels your grip on her hand and she squeezes at yours.

“You didn’t think i’d go out that easily did you,” she asks with a smirk on her chapped lips.

“Not for a second,” you said back almost immediately.

She lets out a small laugh at your words. For a second she did think she was going to die as a titan smacked her body mid-air, but that’s all she can remember. It was that, and then she wakes up in medical confused as hell. But seeing you made her know she definitely was okay. Her eyes scan to the figure next to you to see captain Levi. You’d told her before that you’d totally jump his bones if he let you.

“Did you screw the captain while I was out?” she asks playfully.

You and Levi’s breath hitch at her words and she can’t help but let out a laugh. It hurt her chest to laugh that hard but it also in a way made her feel better.

“Really Molly? You were just half dead a few minutes ago and that’s what you wanted to say?” You couldn’t help but laugh along with her. You’d rather her make you and the captain flustered than her be dead.

Levi couldn’t help but smile widely, but he put his head down to hide it. That day you and Levi developed a liking for each other, and both of you couldn’t remember the last time you felt this way.

The lives you each led was going to make it hard, but feelings are strong.

After an hour or so of talking to Molly she fell back asleep for some well needed rest. Levi walked with you down the hall back to your room, making small talk that was hard to even keep going.

“Thank you again Levi,” you look at him with sparkling eyes, “I’m pretty sure anyone else besides Molly would’ve let me be titan desert.”

“Of course, I would never let you be titan desert,” he mumbles the last part. He’d never heard someone refer to themselves as titan desert before, it almost made him laugh.

You stop at your door and look at his with an adoring gaze. He truly was nice looking, and incredibly brave. You wanted to be just like him, you wanted to be even stronger than him one day.

Before you could think you were leaning in to kiss his cheek. His eyes widen and his face heats up. The action rendered him speechess and he watched as your reached for the handle and opened the door before slipping in your room without another word.

He stayed in the hallway for a few seconds staring at where you just stood.

“Shit,” he whispered.

That only sparked his feelings for you further, and he knew this was the beginning of something he’d been avoiding his whole life.

Love.

[acnelli]

First Time Falling

This is my entry for the @hpqueerfest 2021. Thanks to the mods who hosted this! And a big thank you to my great beta-readers @nagemeikenu and @static-abyss who put up with my phone-writery (writing time is hard to come by these days).

This story was inspired by Prelude and Fugue by shes_gone, and it’s set in a world where Harry didn’t go to Hogwarts, but had been prepared for his destiny.

Pairing: Harry Potter/Ron Weasley Rating: T TW: strong language, mentions of war time, mentions of drug and alcohol consume Prompt: Falling in love for the first time as an adult (late 20’s-early 30’s) Summary: Harry Potter –Head-Auror and Savior of the Wizarding World– spontaneously asked out a cute redhead and it turned to so much more than he could have ever hoped for. 

You can also read this on AO3 and FFN.

*** *** *** *** ***

Not bothering to knock, Ron Weasley marched into Hermione Granger’s office. The heavy mahogany door slammed against the wall, making Hermione jump up from her chair.

“Ron,” she shrieked as a bunch of paper fell off her desk. “What happened?”

Instead of providing his best friend with an explanation for his sudden intrusion, Ron paced back and forth. The panicked look in his eyes made Hermione assume the worst.

With one swift motion, Hermione stepped in front of the redhead, forcing him to stop his frantic pacing. “Ron, please talk to me,” she pleaded, taking his hand into hers. “What’s going on? Is someone hurt? Is your family okay?”

Hermione’s worried expression and the panic in her voice finally brought Ron to his senses. “No, don’t worry, Hermione,” he sighed as he closed her office door. “I’m sorry! But...do you have time for a quick cup of tea in the cafeteria?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. This report is giving me a headache and I need a break.”

Hermione grabbed her purse and gestured for Ron to lead the way.

“I swear, Ron, if you almost gave me a heart attack over something Quidditch related, I’ll hex you into next week and make your new Firebolt disappear forever,” Hermione added as they made their way down to the Ministry cafeteria.

Ron glanced over at the bushy-haired witch, suppressing a grin as he told her his distress was indeed about Quidditch. They grabbed their beverages and headed towards a free table. Gracing him with a dark look, Hermione gestured for Ron to finally tell her what’s going on.

“Harry Potter asked me out on a date!”

This statement caused Hermione’s drink to go down the wrong way, resulting in a violent coughing fit and her spitting out the tea.

“What?” she wheezed out between coughs, as Ron cleaned his face and shirt with his wand.

He waited patiently until Hermione recovered, both from the coughing fit and the shock. “See, even you don’t believe me,” Ron sighed, harshly rubbing his hands over his face, “I don’t blame you, though. I can’t believe it myself, after all.”

Finally being able to speak again, Hermione put her elbows on the small table and leaned forward, determined to not miss a single thing about this story. “Spill! How? When? Where? And don’t you dare to leave out even the smallest detail.”

Ron shook his head, still in disbelief about what had happened to him just twenty minutes ago. Not being able to wrap his head around it, he decided to tell Hermione today’s events from beginning to end.

“Today, Robertson sent me a memo to come to his office to discuss the ridiculous complaints about the Tornados/Harpies game last week,” Ron started and couldn’t help rolling his eyes about the things he had to put up with at work sometimes. “So, I went there, gave him my report about the match and a brief overview. Thank Merlin, he only asked his usual useless questions about referee bribery claims. I was ready to launch into a whole speech but he suddenly dismissed me and told me to write up a statement for the press.

“I was just on my way back to my office when I met Seamus. The fucking wanker had the nerve to claim the next Cannons match for himself. I know he did that just to spite me so, naturally, I gave him an ear full about it as we waited for the lift. We only noticed Harry Potter standing right behind us when we got inside the lift. I probably sounded like an idiot but Seamus and I kept the conversation up because I always get second-hand embarrassment when people stop talking if Potter walks by or joins the lift.”

Hermione patiently listened to his ramblings, restraining herself from telling him to get to the point already.

Ron sipped on his tea and shook his head. “You know what? I read too much into this. Just realised that I’m acting exactly as everyone else does. What’s the big deal? Just a bloke who wants to have a pint after work.”

Hermione stared at Ron, expecting him to go on with his story, but he just kept sipping his tea.

“Ron!”

“What?”

“How did he ask you out?” She accidentally raised her voice but Hermione was finally losing her patience with him.

“I told you, he most likely-”

“Just tell me the damn story, already!” Hermione snapped, blushing a little when she noticed the people on the other tables giving her funny looks.

“Alright,” Ron said, raising an eyebrow at her. “Calm down, barmy woman.”

“You're the one marching into my office like a lunatic. Spill it! Now!”

With a heavy sigh, Ron continued with his story, curling his hands around the tea mug to keep from fidgeting.

“Seamus had already gotten off at another level, so it was just me and Potter in there. I tried to avoid the awkward silence, so I asked him if he followed Quidditch and was going to listen to or even watch the Tornados match tonight. He said that he does follow Quidditch and that he intended to listen to the match at home but if I'd be up to it, we could listen to it at this new pub that just opened in Diagon. He totally caught me by surprise, but I must've agreed because he told me he'll meet me at the fireplaces at 5. Then he left the lift. Then I freaked out and came to your office.”

Ron marked the end of his story by taking another sip of his tea before he defiantly crossed his arms in front of him.

“Jesus, Harry Potter actually asked you out! Oh my God!” Hermione almost squealed, grasping one of Ron's arms.

“Nah! I don't think so anymore. I bet he just wanted to have a pint and was only being polite when he asked me to come along,” Ron said. “Who'd ask someone out like that anyway?”

“Someone looking for a partner?”

“Yeah, but think about it, Hermione. Why would he ask me out? The guy is not only fucking famous, he's also devilishly handsome. He could have anyone he wanted.”

“So?”

Ron looked at Hermione as though she'd just declared the desire to live as a chicken.

“So? So, why would someone ask me out while on a random stroll through the Ministry? Who'd think ‘Oh, that freakishly tall ginger with more freckles than skin looks kinda awkwardly cute. Let's try to get a leg over?'"

“I dated you,” Hermione interjected.

“You don't count.”

“Well, thank you!” Her sarcasm was all but ignored by Ron.

“I just know I'll embarrass myself tonight,” Ron insisted, looking quite unhappy. “Let's go back to work. I still have to write that useless report.”

“Devilishly handsome, hm?”

“Shut up!”

**** **** **** ****

Harry didn't know what had possessed him to ask the cute ginger out for a pint.

Maybe it had been the Prophet article speculating for the umpteenth time about when the Savior of the Wizarding World would finally settle down and make some black-haired, green-eyed babies. Rita Skeeter had many ideas about what worthy witch could conquer the heart of Harry Potter. All things considered, the article had probably not been the worst thing written about him so far.

Sometimes he wondered if he should've taken Sirius’ advice to feed the press and public meaningless details of his life. It wouldn't stop the constant speculations and made-up affairs, but it probably would reduce the paparazzi following him around, the crazy fans sending him love letters and maybe, they would find something more newsworthy than where Harry Potter bought his toilet paper.

But he hated the fact that people demanded this from him. He was 29 now, and while the great hype about him was over, he still seemed to be interesting enough to write about, even over a decade after his defeat of Voldemort.

He knew the majority of the Wizarding World was sincerely grateful for what he'd done. There were so many parents thanking him for the simple fact that they're still alive and able to see their children grow up.

It reminded him that it was all worth it. The sacrifices, the nearly friendless childhood, his secret life away from the public, the growing up with the knowledge that he might not live long enough to celebrate his 17th birthday. All of that had resulted in ending Voldemort once and for all.

When he'd destroyed the Dark Lord and his Horcruxes though, Harry’s hope of finally living a normal life got crushed soon after. In the post-war world, it had been next to impossible to lead a life like everyone else. Because of his childhood and his training by Alastor ‘Mad Eye’ Moody himself, he learned not to trust easily. And since occasions to make friends or interact with strangers had been few and far between, he never really learned what to look for in a friend.

He was well aware that he was complaining about a comfortable life. His parents had left him a respectable amount of gold, and Sirius bought him a flat in London after he graduated from Auror Academy. Maybe he'd gotten this job because of his fame and reputation, but he knew he deserved the position as Head Auror. There was hardly anyone with the same amount of training and experience he brought to the table, and he was under the impression the people working for him did genuinely like him as a boss. Two of them he even considered friends after all these years.

Aside from the two friends at work he also had his family. He had Sirius, Remus, Andromeda, Tonks and his godson, Teddy. He wasn't alone by any means, but he'd never met someone he could possibly fall in love with. Hell, aside from one of Tonks’ old friends from school and her father's attempts to set him up with several of his countless nieces—and later nephews when Harry told his family girls didn't do it for him—he'd never even dated. Toby—a fellow student from elementary school and the only friend his age��dragged him to Muggle pubs and clubs, resulting in the occasional snog or even a shag with a stranger. Needless to say, his first time hadn't exactly been romance novel material and it sure wasn't something he liked to think about. Sometimes, Harry feared that he would never fall in love, that he wasn't capable of developing those feelings for another person.

Those unpleasant thoughts combined with the Rita Skeeter article may have been the result of his sudden impulse to just go for it and ask the redhead out. But it also could have been the brilliant blue eyes, the kind, shy smile and the lean shoulders. Harry was sure, though, that the main reason for it had been the fact that this man hadn't treated him like a Messiah. It had just been an easy conversation, even if it had been only two minutes.

Harry hoped it would remain that way when they watched the game later. In fact, he could just brush it off as a friendly meeting with a fellow Ministry worker if Cute Ginger wasn't interested in anything more.

But when he thought about the redhead’s lopsided grin, Harry felt a foreign flutter in his stomach and he couldn't help but hope for more, even if it was just another visit to the pub.

**** **** **** ****

In the 30 years of Ron Weasley’s existence, he'd never been on time for something not work-related. Today, though, he was almost ten minutes early as he waited by the fireplaces for Harry Potter.

Again, he felt rather pathetic. For a hot second, he considered waiting in a nearby bathroom to pass the time, pretending to get to their meeting place just in time. But then he reminded himself that he wasn’t a petty teenager anymore, and even if Potter found it pathetic, Ron didn’t expect a repeat of tonight, anyway.

He decided to just treat this like a meet-up with Dean and Seamus every other Thursday after work. Just two guys, enjoying a couple of pints together, talking about Quidditch. Nothing special. Nothing to freak out over.

The atrium was busy as ever but he spotted Potter right away when the Head-Auror stepped out of the lift and made his way towards the fireplaces. He still wore his magenta work robes and Ron couldn't help but notice how sexy they looked on him.

“Hi!” Potter greeted Ron, smiling somewhat shyly. “Ready for some beer and Quidditch?”

“Sure! But I forgot to introduce myself earlier, so I figured I'd do that now,” Ron said, giving the dark haired man a smile in return, as he offered his hand for a proper introduction. “I'm Ron. Ron Weasley.”

“I'm Harry.”

**** **** **** ****

“No way! How did he get out of there?”

Harry barked out a laugh at Ron's tale of a night out with Seamus and Dean. His outburst was loud enough for the other guests of the pub to look in their direction. Ron found it amusing how a simple change into Muggle clothes, different glasses, and a slightly lighter hair colour resulted in no one recognizing the Boy-Who-Lived.

“Since it was a Muggle police station, Seamus had to spend the night there. Statute of Secrecy, and all. We picked him up the next morning and filled him in on what he'd done the night before, including showing everyone his pale arse.” Ron grinned deviously at the memory. “I invented some things for good measure. Unfortunately, Dean is too good for this world and told him a few hours later that I was taking the mickey.”

Harry shook his head, chuckling. “That reminds me of Remus searching the whole of London for Sirius, only to find him several hours later in a hidden spot on the roof. He was gazing at the stars and totally stoned. Combined with Firewhiskey, he didn't remember a single thing from that night.”

“Sirius?” Ron looked quite interested at the mention of his Godfather’s name. “Sirius, as in Sirius Black?”

“Yes. He was my Dad’s best friend. And he's my Godfather.”

“I'm just asking because I'm related to the Blacks. My grandfather married Cedrella Black.”

“Yes, I recognize the name. Her face got blasted off the family tree,” Harry said, and at Ron's raised eyebrow quickly added, “Sirius’ mother blasted everyone off that tree who didn't uphold the Black family's motto ‘Toujours pur’. So, Cedrella must have gone against the high and mighty Black Pureblood tradition.”

“Well,” Ron said, taking a swig of his beer, “she married a Weasley. I'm sure that alone was reason enough to disown her. The Weasleys have been notorious blood traitors since forever.”

“Sounds like your grandmother had good taste in men if you ask me.”

Harry winked at Ron, and the redhead felt the burning blush creeping up his neck.

Ron was once again amazed at how little time it had taken him to lose his nervousness. But Harry Potter made it very easy for him. Harry was confident, yet humble and polite. His humor didn't have Ron's sarcastic edge, but the redhead found Harry delightfully witty with a good amount of sass.

Ron didn't know what he expected but it was undeniable how easy it was to talk to Harry. He could only hope the raven-haired man enjoyed this just as much as he did. Harry laughed at his jokes and seemed genuinely interested in Ron's more-than-mundane life.

As much as Ron tried to see this as a meeting with a good friend, he couldn't help the warm feeling in his chest every time Harry smiled at him or his leg accidentally bumped against Ron's. And if the alcohol hadn't gone to his head already, making him imagine things, Harry's eyes kept flitting down to Ron's lips.

When the woman behind the bar announced the final round, they decided to call it a night since it was one of Harry's work Saturdays tomorrow.

As they ventured out of the crowded pub and into the cool night air, Ron was disappointed about the evening coming to an end. Time had flown and he was sure they could've talked for several more hours.

“Would you mind if I walk you home?” Harry asked just as Ron wanted to wish him a good night.

Ron nodded, not being able to suppress his smile as Harry obviously remembered him mentioning that he only lived a few blocks away.

They kept their pace slow and walked a little closer to each other than necessary, their hands bumping against one another. Every touch sent a jolt through Ron's body and he wanted nothing more than to take Harry's hand.

Eventually, they reached their destination. During the entire walk home Ron had gathered all of his Gryffindor courage to ask Harry out, this time for an official date.

“I- um,” Ron started, rubbing one hand against the back of his neck to ease his nerves. “I really enjoyed this evening and I was wondering...Maybe I got this all wrong, but you seem interested, and well, I'm interested too. And if you're not, that's totally fine. But...caniseeyouagain?”

And before Ron's face had the time to go completely crimson, he got his answer as Harry took his hand to pull him close, leaned up and kissed him.

Harry pulled back from Ron's lips, his stunning, green eyes slightly darker than usual and holding a hopeful glint.

Ron didn't give himself the chance to overthink as he put his hand on the back of Harry's neck and kissed him again. A deep groan escaped him when Harry licked at Ron's bottom lip and Harry took the opportunity to slip his tongue inside.

Ron was positive that he'd never experienced something more incredible than kissing Harry Potter. The only things he was capable of paying attention to were Harry and the wild thumping of his heart. And while it was exhilarating and new and positively made him weak in the knees, it also felt a lot like coming home.

Having lost all sense of time, Ron couldn't tell if they'd kissed for a minute or several hours when they broke apart. Harry's hands still gripped his shirt and Ron let his own hands glide from Harry's dark hair down over strong, well-defined shoulders to finally rest at his hips.

Both of them tried to catch their breath and Harry, who finally let go of Ron's shirt to put his arms around him, smiled up at Ron almost shyly.

“Yes, you can see me again,” Harry said, grinning.”What are your plans for tomorrow night?”

“Well,” Ron pretended to think about it for a second, “I thought I'd do this.”

And with that, he leaned in to kiss Harry again.

“I think that's a brilliant idea.”

**** **** **** ****

Just as he turned off the radio and grabbed his coat from the rag beside the door, a loud knock sounded through Harry's now quiet flat.

“Ten minutes early. Eager, aren't we?” Harry said as he opened the door for a tall ginger with a picnic basket in one hand and a broom in the other.

“Says the one waiting right beside the door like a good dog.”

Ron shoved his way inside, putting down the basket and broom before pulling Harry into his arms.

“Happy Birthday,” Ron murmured against the other man's lips. “And I thought I was supposed to give you a present, not the other way around?”

Harry pulled back a little, apparently confused. Ron grinned at him and squeezed Harry's arse. “Thanks for wearing my favourite pants today.”

Chuckling, Harry pointed at the broom Ron had brought with him. “No way I'll fly on a broom in these. Good thing I also packed my joggers.”

Ron hadn't told him where they were going for Harry's Birthday. He'd just instructed Harry to be ready at 9 in the morning, so they'd be back in time for dinner at Grimmauld Place with Harry's family.

Only two months had passed since their first kiss, but Harry already felt as though he'd known Ron for much longer. Every kiss, every touch, all the teasing and banter, and late night talks felt so completely natural, yet blissfully exciting.

“Come on, grab your broom. We're on a tight schedule.”

Ron winked at him and before Harry knew it, they were standing in the middle of a giant Quidditch pitch.

There wasn't a single soul besides them, but Harry immediately recognized the giant Hogwarts House banners from his family's keepsakes of their school years. Aside from that fateful day when he'd fought Voldemort on those grounds, he'd never visited the school. Not before, not after.

Harry tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. The surprise must be the result of one of their late night talks, when Harry confessed that his deepest desire while growing up had been to go to Hogwarts.

“Are we allowed to be here or do I need to arrest you for breaking into school grounds?”

Arms wrapped around him from behind and Harry could feel Ron smiling against the back of his head. “I wouldn't be opposed to playing the big bad Auror and the naughty Suspect later, but this is actually 100% legal. Having contacts with important Quidditch officials has its perks sometimes. And my annual chess game against McGonagall helped too, I suppose.”

“Okay then,” Harry said, lifting one of Ron's hands to his mouth to brush his lips against his knuckles. “Fill me in on that plan of yours.”

Ron let go of him and reached for their brooms, tossing one of them at Harry. “I thought we'd fly over the grounds first, so I can show you everything from above. The castle looks fucking amazing from up there and the Great Lake is a sight to die for when the water reflects the sun.”

Ron mounted his broom and flew in slow circles around Harry as he continued to talk. “I hope you don't mind that I invited your family for dinner. But I thought we could all show you the castle, introduce you to our favourite spots and secret places. Andromeda can show us the Slytherin common room. I've never been there myself. I'll show you the kitchen first. That's where I'll cook dinner later while the others show you around.”

Jumping down from his broom, Ron looked at Harry with a mixture of excitement and reluctance as he rubbed the back of his neck. It was a telltale sign of the redhead being nervous, Harry had learned in the last weeks.

“So, I thought this to be fitting for a 30th Birthday. I wasn't sure what to get you that you don't already have, and I reckoned this might be fun.”

Harry didn't know what to say and his silence only made Ron doubt his plan more. It always baffled Harry how Ron didn't realize how wonderful he was. He wished Ron could see himself through Harry's eyes.

Right at that moment, as Harry looked into Ron's blue eyes, it hit him. In fact, he knew he'd been harbouring these feelings inside him for weeks now, but only now he could see it with shining clarity.

He was falling in love.

The feeling was new, something he'd never experienced, but still he recognized it for what it was.

 Love.

***

[celestialices]

QUEST!

Greek Mythology x Haikyuu

Haikyuu!Ensemble x Reader

OVERVIEW. You were just a perfect,y normal student at the University of Tokyo, when suddenly a bunch of “normal boys,” as they call themselves, appeared and started to squeeze themselves into your life. Always saying something like “You’re a goddess, we must take you back to Olympus.” (you brushed it off, convincing yourself it was a silly little compliment) and even absurd sentences as “You got Medusa’s eyes!” and “You’re really Medusa’s daughter!”

009: WEIRD COMPLIMENT

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It felt surreal at how easily you and Akaashi clicked.

You could tell that he was a good person even if you’ve only known each other for a day; he just gives off that vibe. You don’t believe in a lot of unexplainable things but meeting him was like fate, it’s like you were fated to meet Akaashi in your life somehow.

He loves reading, you love reading. It’s honestly the sole reason for your friendship. After knowing this information about himself, it felt easy to fall into a conversation with him. You’ve never felt like that for years; it just felt natural to be friends with Akaashi Keiji.

You shared a lot of hobbies, dislikes and opinions with him, it almost felt unreal. It’s almost like you found your other persona, the other you that somehow escaped another universe that took in the form of Akaashi.

Not only that you were already on a first-name basis with him, which definitely shocked you yourself, Hirugami, and Hoshiumi, but you also personally invited him to your little birthday bash this weekend. In one day! You were proud of yourself, to say the least.

And of course it made you happy when he instantly agreed and promised to attend this weekend. Plus your mother would be overjoyed to know that you made another friend.

You were a bit thankful for Hirugami for introducing you to Akaashi, since you really enjoyed his company yesterday, almost forgetting that the other two were there with you.

It’s safe to say that he makes you feel comfortable.

Hirugami keeps bothering you and Hoshiumi about his weird interaction with Akaashi yesterday in the cafe though, as you three went to school. Saying something along the lines of “he caught him and his friend group having some weird staring contest” but you paid no mind, because he was probably making it up.

“For real!” Hirugami insisted. “It feels like they were communicating with their minds. I thought Akaashi was alone until I felt the other stares on me!”

“You’re probably just hallucinating from tiredness, Sachiro.” You complained, tired of hearing his rambling about how weird and unusual his interaction with the others in the cafe yesterday.

“It’s really weird, though!” He pouted, disappointed that you two weren’t believing in him. “And I wasn’t hallucinating, excuse you.”

“How is that even possible?” Hoshiumi questioned, also not believing what nonsense Hirugami was spouting in his mouth.

“Believe me! I entered the cafe because I recognized Akaashi, and I really thought he was alone when I called him!” He explained, again, with little actions too. “Until he looked at me and then I blinked, then suddenly there were a bunch of other people with him!”

Giving up, “Fine. I believe you, okay? Just..” You fought the urge to say ‘just shut up’ because it will make him more whiny and just explain the whole thing again and again. Good thing that you were already in front of the building you’re having your class on, happy to finally escape Hirugami’s rambling. “Let’s talk about it later, ‘kay?”

You sent a “good luck” face and a smirk to Hoshiumi, knowing he needs to endure it for a little longer. After seeing his annoyed expression, you quickly parted ways with them and entered the room after letting out a laugh.

Without any word or unneeded glances around the room, you went up to your seat, giving a small smile to Sakusa. But of course, he just stared at you. The silence was a bit awkward, considering that both of you are not.. that much of approachable.

Thank the gods your literature professor entered shortly though, relieved that you won’t handle the awkward tension with Sakusa any longer. Certainly not after the whole Komori fiasco.

For the first thirty minutes, the professor discussed a new topic, before announcing that the remaining time will be used to discuss the project she gave out yesterday. You turned to Sakusa awkwardly, greeting him once more.

You figured that you should be direct with him, since he looked like the kind of person who’s easily displeased when one’s not straight-forward and keeps disarraying from the original topic.

The conversation between the two of you about the autobiography project surprisingly went easy though, he only agrees at everything you say and gives his opinion a little here and there.

“Oh, where do you live?” You asked, seeing him tensed a little bit after hearing your question made you raise an eyebrow. “We can do the project in your house, if you are okay with it, of course!”

One thing you both agreed on is that public place = no. Having a lot of people surround the both of you were not ideal. You were glad that he feels the same way though, so you decided to ask him about doing the project in his house.

“We should.. do it in another place. I live with a lot of.. irritating men.” Sakusa answered, you noticed his face darkened, as if he remembered something he didn’t want to remember. “How about yours?”

“Mine’s okay.” You answered. “But my family currently has a guest over, is that okay with you?” Inviting him to your little celebration this weekend suddenly crossed your mind just to give what Heiji wants, but you shook it off. You’re not that.. close with him yet.

“That’s fine with me.” Sakusa looked up at the ceiling, probably thinking of a good date to come over at your house. “I’m busy during weekdays. Is Saturday good for you?”

Oh. “Uh, I have a little birthday bash this Saturday..” You bashfully said, as there was no point in hiding the truth now. But since the project is already due on Monday, and it will do no good to push it back to Sunday, cramming is not healthy. “If you’re okay with coming over early, because it’s fine with me.”

He gave you a nod of approval. You took a deep breath and gathered courage to ask him to just attend your celebration. You were hesitating, since you two are just project-partners and not exactly on that level of friendship yet, but you know that your mother won’t let him go until the party is over. You just wanted to warn him beforehand.

“Oh, also are you okay with staying over and taking part in the celebration?” You asked him, a hopeful glint in your eyes. “My mother won’t probably let you leave early.” You ended it off with an awkward chuckle, anxiety bubbling up in your stomach.

“Okay.”

You were frankly taken aback at how he agreed without giving it much thought. You honestly take him in as the “if you approach me, i’ll kill you” kind of guy who obviously despises crowds, but oh well. First impressions are rarely come true.

“That’s great!” You said, a little too loud for your liking. “Let’s just do the parts we agreed on and update each other until Saturday.”

“Mhm.”

A man of few words, indeed. “If you need anything, just text me. I have to meet up with my friends so I’ll leave you to it.” Locking eyes with him, you saw the brief shocked expression on his face that contorted into confusion as his brows met.

Not giving it much thought, you waved him goodbye and left the room after seeking permission from your professor.

You were one of the first ones to exit the room, and as soon as you did, you took out your phone to text your friends and informed them that you had finished class. You sure do hope they did too, how ironic that you liked being alone but you were scared at the same time.

You peacefully started walking towards the meeting spot you’ve agreed beforehand after receiving the validation from Hirugami. Humming the tune of your favorite song, you thought back of what happened with Sakusa.

Lately, you’ve been receiving unwanted glances from a lot of people, and seeing their shocked expressions after interacting with you just confused the hell out of you. It never happened before in your life, but it just keeps happening after your birthday.

A coincidence, probably.

“Hey, you!”

As if it’s instinct, you looked back to wherever that source of voice came, you flinched after locking eyes with someone. But you being you, you immediately turned back and continued walking, not paying any more attention.

Besides, you were probably mistaken. Looking around, you saw a bunch of students in the grounds, and that somehow lessened your anxiety.

“Hey!”

But hearing another shout from the same man earlier made you walk faster, feeling that you’re really the one whose that person is calling. That isn’t possible though, or is it? You suppose it was one of Hirugami’s fans, and that’s more than enough to make you want to run away.

You’re in no mood to deal with annoying people right now.

Unfortunately for you, things didn’t go like you hoped for, as you were stopped by a hand on your shoulder. Heaving a sigh, you turned around only to be met by a guy with.. what is this? A particular guy with spiky black hair, which definitely left an impression on you.

“Can I help you?”

“You’re a goddess, aren’t you?” He asked, with so much confidence at that, and smirked at you.

Did he just approach you to ask this? Or is he hitting on you? Is this how people... flirt nowadays? You frowned, certainly not expecting that.. weird compliment. Are you supposed to thank him now or what?

“Uh... thank you, I guess?” You awkwardly responded, still receiving second-hand embarrassment from what he said. “But no.”

This is so cringey! Is this how Hirugami deals with these things? You gave him an unease bow, clearly showing your discomfort, as a sign that you were leaving. Honestly, you were expecting him to irk you more, but he stood there, stunned after hearing your reply to his… compliment.

“Hold on!”

Ah, there it is.

“I’m sure it’s you. Stop the act now.” He declared. “My name is Kuroo Tetsuro, the son of Zeus and Hera. I am sent here to bring you back to Mount Olympus.”

You were at a loss for words. Mouth agape, you looked around in hopes of finding someone filming and just laugh it off, assuming that this was some sort of prank going around the university. To your dismay, you found none. Ah! Maybe he’s drunk?

Just going on with the reason that the man in front of you was not in his right state of mind, “Okay.. Kuroo, the son of Zeus and Hera..” You let out an exhale, cringing at how you sound so crazy agreeing with a drunk person right now, but you hope it’ll catch them off guard and leave you alone. “I’m sorry but I have to meet up with my friends. You should sober up before a professor catches you.” After patting his shoulder, you fled the scene right away, not wanting to converse with a drunk person any more.

On your way to see your friends, you kept thinking about the man, namely Kuroo, who approached you out of the blue, still dazed at what his first words to you were. Seriously, out of all pick up lines he could use, he would choose to call you a goddess? And what was the whole Zeus and Hera thing?

Catching the sight of Hirugami and Akaashi waving to you after tirelessly looking for them, you sprinted towards them pronto, it was honestly a miracle that you didn’t trip in light of how fast you ran.

“Where’s Korai?” You asked, flopping beside Akaashi who gave you a water bottle after seeing you breathless. You looked at him gratefully, giving him a quiet ‘thanks’ and a smile, chugging the water bottle down.

“Volleyball practice.” Hirugami looked at you disgustingly, but was proud nonetheless at how you and Akaashi got along so well. He mentally praised himself for getting you a potential partner. He looked at his watch momentarily before glancing at you again, “He’ll probably finish and arrive in a few minutes.”

You just nodded. It’s best if you tell them at the same time, as there’s no need to repeat that embarrassing memory again and again. But you’ve got no choice, since it’s a habit to tell your two best friends everything.

“Oh, I’ve finished the book you recommended yesterday.” Akaashi spoke after minutes of silence, making you look at him with wide eyes. “I was hooked that I didn’t stop until I finished it.” He added while scratching his nape.

To say that you were surprised by his determination was an understatement, it even took you three days to finish that book! You observed his face to search for any evidence that he’s lacking sleep but you failed, only getting a glimpse of, you were not going to lie, his handsome face, “Did you even sleep?”

He chuckled. Your heart almost did a leap at how ethereal he looked. But you brushed it off and continued to listen to his reaction towards the book, occasionally dropping his favorite lines here and there.

Picking up someone screaming your name, the discussion between you and Akaashi stopped. You annoyingly looked at Hirugami’s side and caught sight of Hoshiumi sprinting towards the three of you. Finally reaching the table, he took no time in catching his breath and turned to you excitedly. “I want you to meet someone too!”

You looked at him with your eyebrow raised, these two unquestionably had a conversation regarding you and your social life without you knowing. “What for?”

“So you can have more friends, duh!” He took a seat next to Hirugami. “I met him during volleyball practice. He’s not from here but we played a match together. He’s good! He caught up with my gameplay almost immediately.”

“What position does he play?” It’s rare to see Hoshiumi praise someone like this before, he’s usually criticizing every volleyball player he plays with. So you were very interested in the person he’s thinking highly of.

“A setter!” He excitedly answered. “Attend my practice match tomorrow, I’ll introduce you to him.”

You nodded, giving a small smile to him.

“So, what were you going to tell us?” Hirugami asked almost immediately. It made you froze, the mortification creeping up on you again.

“I think I got hit on today.” You confessed. Hoshiumi let out a loud ‘what’ making you glare at him. He tends to overreact at everything. “By a possibly drunk guy at that.”

“What did he say?”

You sighed. How many times did you sigh today? If you were going to be honest, you didn’t want to tell them, because they would surely.. surely make fun of you. And knowing Hoshiumi and Hirugami, they would probably not let it go for years. Years.

This gave you war flashbacks of the teases you’ve got from them in the past. That one time you’ve accidentally bumped into a tree, and it took 4 years for them to get over it and give up teasing you about it. For four years, four years of witnessing them pretend to bump into a tree every time they encounter one, to re-enact what happened to you that one time.

Even if you weren’t with them, they always, always send you videos of them bumping into a tree to remind you how clumsy and dumb you were before. This made you honestly question every night about why on earth are you friends with these two.

“He asked if..” You shifted in your seat, looking away since you were afraid to make eye contact with any of them. Because if you do, you’ll just probably keep it to yourself due to shame. “He asked if I was a goddess or something, and he was sent here to bring me back to Mount Olympus.”

There was a pregnant silence after you let out those words, before you were met by Hirugami and Hoshiumi’s howling. You fiddled with your fingers, totally expecting these reactions but you were still beyond embarrassed.

You glanced at Akaashi, not expecting him to stay silent and how his expression dropped into an uncomfortable one, looking at you with wide eyes. He immediately regained his composition though, as you were about to ask him if he was fine.

But you were interrupted with his phone ringing, keeping your gaze at him as he scrambled to answer the call. Giving him privacy, you looked at the other two who were still dying of laughter, making you groan in both embarrassment and annoyance.

It’ll take a while before they calm down.

Feeling Akaashi’s tap on your shoulder, you looked at him apologetically. He smiled before motioning that he has to leave and continue the conversation elsewhere. You gave him a smile and a nod, muttering a “sorry” at how loud your friends are.

He only chuckled quietly, gathering up his things and leaving after giving a short wave to the other two. You almost thanked Akaashi for leaving, as the two took it as a sign to stop laughing and wave him goodbye.

Brushing away the tears in his eyes, Hoshiumi looked at you and then went back to cackling with laughter again. You glared at him, absolutely done with them and their non stop howling. “Stop laughing already! I know that it’s humiliating, okay?”

“What else did he say?” Hirugami asked, trying so hard to contain his laughs. “Did he say that he’s the son of Zeus or something?”

Seeing you pout and slowly nod in shame, the two bursted out laughing hysterically yet again. Hirugami continuously slammed the table and Hoshiumi almost fell down on his seat from laughing too much.

“If you two don’t stop laughing, I don’t know what I’ll do.” You threatened, victoriously making the two straighten up and stop. It was long due for them to stop, and you were getting more irritated, especially that you were on public grounds.

They whispered a “sorry” and decided to let it go.. for now.

What a long day. You entered the house after putting away your shoe, shouting “I’m home!” as you were accustomed to. What confuses you is that your mother didn’t answer back, she usually does and greets you with a hug as she asks you about your day.

Entering the living room, you saw Yuki, who probably didn’t hear you, watching a movie. Sensing another presence, he looks up to you, smiling, “Welcome home, sister.”

You took a seat beside him, sighing in exhaustion and looked at what movie he was watching. The two of you watched in silence, before you suddenly remembered that you’re going to ask him about the tension between your mother and Heiji.

“Oh, yeah, where’s mother and Heiji?” You asked, bringing up another question before going on to your real one.

“Mother said that she left to do grocery shopping for your birthday and some other errand.” He answered, eyes still locked on the screen. “I don’t know about Heiji, though. He left an hour after you went to school.”

You hummed in response, how detailed. “So,” You eyed your little brother knowingly. He finally looked at you, abandoning the movie playing. “Are you going to tell me what happened between the two of them or what?”

Yuki let out a nervous laugh, glancing around to make sure that your mother or Heiji weren’t there. “They got into a quarrel the other day.” He spilled, making you raise your eyebrows, urging for him to continue. “About you.”

Frowning, “About me?”

“Mom didn’t like how Heiji kept pushing you to expand your social group and make other friends.” He pouted, glancing down. “She called him out on how manipulating and pushy he’s getting when they already decided to let you do what you want to do.”

You had a feeling that his explanation was lacking and was hiding something more about their argument from you, because your mother isn’t someone who holds grudges about these things. But you didn’t pry any longer, seeing how restless Yuki looks.

The question about why were they fighting about you never left your mind though. It’s true that your freedom of choosing what you want was important for your mother, but you never expected her to get angry over Heiji’s little wish.

“Don’t worry about it, sister.” Yuki’s words snapped you out of your trance. Did you look so conflicted that he had to reassure you everything’s fine? “They’ll get over it, you know that.”

You know. You also know that this is no big deal, that a little argument is normal for them. But you can’t understand how you were so nervous, you can’t understand why you feel like you were being chased.

You’ve never felt anxious about this before. So you really don’t know how to figure out these feelings. You would talk it out with your mother, and even Yuki, but something inside you prevents you to. Maybe you just didn’t want them to worry about you.

“Yeah. They’ll get over it.”

“What the hell was that?” Akaashi entered the room, brimming with confusion and.. anger that made the other gods flinch. Hearing Kuroo whistle awkwardly, he glared at him. “Kuroo, are you dumb or are you stupid?”

“Woah, did something happen?” Oikawa asked, everyone can sense the little excitement in his tone. It’s not everyday Akaashi picks a fight, and with Kuroo at that.

“The son of Zeus and Hera just approached my friend earlier and revealed that he was here to send her back to Olympus.” Akaashi sighed, sitting down at the vacant seat next to Sugawara and massaged his temples in irritation. “Good thing she thought you were just weirdly hitting on her!”

Confused gazes went between Kuroo and Akaashi. “What in the underworld was that for, Kuroo?” Sugawara asked.

“What friend, Akaashi? Is she really the target?” Kita asked, giving a burning stare at Kuroo, who stayed completely silent and avoided everyone’s glances and questions, probably opting to stay quiet the whole conversation.

“You make it sound like we’ll kill someone, Kita.” Aran laughed, trying to lighten the mood of the room.

“But we will.” All eyes went to Suna, blaming him for worsening the situation. What irked everyone more is how nonchalant he looked. Suna shrugged off everyone’s threatening looks, “If she doesn’t come back with us, that is.”

“The girl Kuroo approached is hopefully the same one the others encountered, right?” Kageyama asked.

“Do you think she knows?” Kunimi spoke, surprising everyone since he doesn’t really partake in this kind of conversation. He’s taking the role of being the messenger between two worlds so seriously. “Maybe she’s just pretending to not know to toy with us.”

“That is possible.” Komori agreed. “Considering the fact that some of us already felt her inconsistent aura, the possibility of her knowing is at least fifty percent.”

“Well, no one else could do that but her, that is unless she’s got an Olympian by her side.” Oikawa half joked and chuckled afterwards, silencing the room. He tends to do that. Breaking the mood with a serious thought in a joking manner.

Handling a goddess on the same level as them is a piece of cake, but an Olympian on the other hand, was no joke. Olympians lived long before them, and every decade they just get stronger and stronger. No matter how many of them try to fight them off, they’ll just get killed in the end.

“Who is this friend you're talking about anyway, Akaashi?” Iwaizumi broke the silence, he can’t help but be curious about Akaashi’s friend.

Your name leaving Akaashi’s mouth made Sakusa freeze. So what he felt earlier was, not a doubt, real. Maybe you are really the one.

But, he decided to not say a word and just keep it to himself for the time being. Settling to the plan to keep an eye on you and not make any rash decisions. Because he’s assuming..

He’s assuming that you’re more powerful than they all think.

taglist ! >< : @underratedmage @lovingcupcakeavenue @astranger83 @voids-universe @helloalex80 @sstepintothedaylight @smileexpo @whalerus @london-quynh @023hdrm @pelicanpizza @duhsies @s4ilor-m4rs @sugas-sweetheart

[nohoney]

Do It For Me - 3.2

warnings: 18+, drug use, toxic relationships, polyamory, brief mention of assault

summary:

“He said he’d do anything for me.”

He leans forward, his forehead bumping against yours and his hand cupping your cheek. Your breaths intermingle in the small space between each other, your lips just a few precious centimeters away from Keigo’s. “Of course he would dove, you deserve so much. You’re just so… so fucking…”

3.1 ✧ 3.2 ✧ 3.3

Touya is better at checking up on you if you accompany him to a house party, Keigo keeping you company sometimes like tonight as you walked through the front doors. You take a quarter of the ecstasy Touya gave to you earlier and Keigo takes a half, just like the first night the two of you rolled together at a house party. More than likely he’s selling whatever he got in that case just last week. Touya always deals sober, he needs a clear mind when he goes out to these functions but he’s happy to see your little high-off-your-ass self enjoying your roll. The way you tousle your own hair when you vibe to a song, that look of wonder as you just stare off into space, and just how fucking adorable you are in general.

It’s not like you roll every single time you attend a house party, sometimes it’s just drinking or maybe a little bit of weed or a few lines of coke, but your eyes had zeroed in on a particular someone a few minutes after you walked through the doors so you decided that you just wanted to relax. It doesn’t necessarily make you anxious or afraid seeing this particular person but your communication was broken in an instant the last time you had seen them.

Your eyes glance at one another, much too quick for Touya or Keigo to notice, but eye contact is made.

Ecstasy should distract you right?

Well, it’s more like Keigo distracts you and the ecstasy just helps.

So Keigo mingles with the other partygoers while he keeps you close to his side, keeping an even conversation that would seem normal had you not been so touchy with him and him returning those affections without breaking eye contact with the people he speaks to in the moment. He gives light warnings when you get a little too handsy, and you swear that you’ll be good if he just gives you another kiss or feeds you another stick of gum or even tilt the water bottle towards your lips because you’re too lazy to do it yourself.

You get some weird looks at first but when they’re told that you’re rolling, it’s an immediate and knowing ‘ahh’ that comes from them. You don’t care about their looks or stares, Keigo’s got you safe and sound. But you do get some looks when Touya comes to your side for a brief break to check on you and you ask him for kisses also. When you’re lip locked with Touya and also switch off to Keigo, it causes some murmurs for the ones who bother to pay attention. Sure there have been lots of instances where three people are making out together or something to that effect, but they could all swear that ‘Didn’t Dabi just come out from one of the rooms with a girl?’

And it captures the attention of one individual in particular.

Touya has to return work, assuring you for just an extra minute longer before depositing you back to Keigo and with a simple order, “Be good.”

He walks away, you lean against Keigo again, complaining that you want to go outside because it’s too hot inside the house. But going outside serves another purpose because you know that Touya is busy talking and dealing and you need to have this conversation where you know he and a certain other person won’t overhear it. In the backyard there’s a game of king’s cup going on, a fire pit with a small circle of people nearby, and a little group of people that are smoking together. But you pull Keigo to the furthest part of the yard, a decent distance away from everyone. Sure you could have just stuck by the door and talked quietly enough but it wasn’t a risk you were willing to take because anyone could come out.

Keigo sits on the grass and pulls you to sit in his lap, making sure you’re comfortable and that you take a sip of water from the new bottle he just got.

“You got something on your mind dove?” he asks.

You nod your head and glance back towards the house briefly before looking back at him, just enough light for you to see how big his pupils are. You’ve got a better handle of yourself while on ecstasy but you’re not brave enough to take a whole by yourself just yet, still working up the nerve to at least take a half. Never mind about the ecstasy, you have to tell Keigo something. You take a few seconds to collect your courage and tell him, “My ex is here at the party, the most recent one.”

Golden eyes widen slightly in surprise. “Oh… does Touya know?”

You never talked about your ex in detail with Keigo, just a general overview of how things weren’t working out but that was it. Touya didn’t know all the details but he knew just enough, the relationship lasted almost a year and by the halfway mark things were starting go south between you and your ex. It worked out for you anyway because you didn’t want to talk about your ex in general, just enough to get it off your chest and let your boyfriend know. “Touya doesn’t know what Jun even looks like, he didn’t want to see a picture at all.”

“Yeah, that sure sounds like him. So how do you feel about Jun being here? How exactly did things end between you guys?”

It was great with Jun at first, meeting through a mutual friend and getting to know each other before making it official. You always understood giving your past partners space and time to do their own thing, everyone is entitled to their alone time. The issue was that further down the relationship, Jun could not and would not manage his time well with you and eventually just revealed altogether that he didn’t want to put the extra effort in anymore.

“We haven’t even dated for a year, why are you taking us so seriously?” he asked when he looked up from working on his car when you confronted him in his garage.

“I’m your girlfriend, there shouldn’t have to be a threshold for how serious our relationship should be based on the passage of time. Why are we even seeing each other if you don’t want to try to make it work?” you huffed and leaned against the wall of the garage and had crossed your arms. “What are we even doing?”

Jun had sighed and grabbed a rag to wipe the oil off his hands. “(Name), it’s not that I don’t want us to work, it’s that you are getting so hung up on some of the menial shit that it makes me not want to be with you as much. We hang out, we cook dinner or go out, and then I go do my thing. And all I hear from you is that we don’t talk enough or that I don’t separate enough time for you. You’re fucking yourself in the head and working yourself up.”

“You are not being good to me! You used to want to talk to me all the time and wanted to know what my free hours were so that you could be with me. Now it’s the bare minimum you give and you act like my feelings are an inconvenience to you!”

You and Jun had argued for a solid hour before you stormed off, it was the last sober conversation you had with him. You had gone out with friends to a club afterwards, drinking away your frustrations and wondering why you were with a guy who had consciously chosen to not put you first. It hurt way more than it should but only because you kept on sloshing shots back. You were getting shit faced, all the people dancing in the club and getting in your space, the strobe lights providing a certain atmosphere to your fucked up state of mind, and then Jun had shown up. He claimed that you had texted him to come but you were drunk as hell, pushing him off when he tried to pull you out of the club.

Instead you screamed at him, hands around his throat as you pushed him to the wall and told him that you wanted to kill him. He must have been high on something because the sober Jun wouldn’t have allowed such a thing, he had smiled and breathlessly laughed that he was all yours to kill. You kissed him, rum and tequila clouding your judgement, even though you called him an asshole, you ground yourself against his body. In your mind, all you could think that this was over and this would be the last time.

You woke up in his bed the next morning, looking at him for just a few minutes before getting dressed. His number was blocked and whatever belongings you kept that were his were sent back to him. He hadn’t bothered to seek you out after that one last fuck, it hurt a lot at the time that he didn’t even want to rectify the way things were left off. But you got over it eventually because you accepted that not all conflicts would have closure and you met Touya just a little over a year later.

“Wow, I’m sorry things ended that way dove. Sounds like he really didn’t deserve you though.” Keigo tells you, the slightest hint of anger in his eyes. Someone like you should be treasured but he can’t help but feel grateful that things didn’t work out because otherwise you wouldn’t be here right now with him, Touya would wholeheartedly agree. “You sure you’re okay being here with him in the same house?”

“Jun’s not a bad guy, he really isn’t. We just clearly weren’t on the same page and I was pushing for a relationship that showed pretty early on that we were on different wavelengths. I’ll be okay, I have you and Touya and that’s all that matters.” you tell Keigo as you peck his cheek, forgetting about the shadow of the breakup with Jun and tenderness pouring out instead. Even with the hiccups and arguments with Touya, he’s given you more than Jun ever did. “It’s just us, Jun doesn’t matter.”

Keigo couldn’t have said it better himself and he thinks it’s a good time to continue the roll, holding up the half of the tab to you. “I think you’re ready to take a half baby bird, you can handle it.”

The two of you pop the remains of your tablets, wash it down with water and then just a quick peck on the cheek. You sit outside the yard longer and just enjoy watching the outside activities from afar, the cheers and jeers when someone is forced to drink after fucking up their turn in the drinking game, different people go to hang around the fire pit and stoke the fire, two guys even came to chat with you and Keigo for a few minutes and they bid goodbye when its their time to leave the party.

You’re practically giddy with excitement as you see Touya approach you, taking another break from the party as he sits down with you and Keigo on the grass. You move to sit on his lap and tell him that you took a whole half of ecstasy, to which he just chuckles and tells you, “That’s my girl.”

“You guys ever think about what kind of super powers you would have? I already know what powers I think you guys would have.” you tell the boys as you trace the lines on Touya’s palm and look to them. You chew on the gum in your mouth for a few seconds before asking, “You guys wanna know?”

“Of course baby bird, tell us.” Keigo is massaging your calves, attentive as always while Touya has his free hand smoothing up and down your back. They really do spoil you a lot…

“Okay, so at first I thought Keigo’s super power would be like being really fast because, you know, Keigo likes to do a lot of stuff fast and makes it look so easy. But I started thinking that maybe it wasn’t completely right, like maybe some kind of thing that can be really fast. I don’t think Keigo would be a power type, like he’s not weak by any means but he would have more proficiency that makes his powers really impressive.” you lean against Touya and curl against his body. “I think that he’d look so cool with a big pair of wings on his back, like huge red wings with all these feathers that he can control at will, like being able to call them back individually and collectively. So like if you sent out too many feathers out you wouldn’t be able to fly unless you call them back. And I think if you had to choose your super hero name, it’d be Hawks.”

Keigo is amazed as he listens to you. “Wow (Name), sounds like you put some thought into mine but I actually kind of like that. What made you decide all that?”

“You like eating a lot of chicken, so an avian-like power just seemed really fitting.”

Touya laughs in mock at his friend, not even fighting back as Keigo punches him in the arm.

“She gave me bird wings! At least she didn’t give me a bird head!”

“I almost considered it.” you chime in.

“Dove… that’s not right.” Touya continues to laugh, trying to stifle it behind his hand and control himself. “Grr… well what did you think of for Touya?”

You look into Touya’s eyes for a few seconds before answering. “Touya’s was pretty obvious to me, I think he’d control fire. But not regular fire, he’d be able to summon really strong blue fire from his hands. It’d be like crazy destructive because blue flames are the hottest, something to do with them being a complete combustion as opposed to other types of flames that are incomplete combustions. But because blue flames are so hot, it’d be a crazy bad drawback to Touya’s body because he’d overheat and he probably wouldn’t be able to fight for long because he needs to cool down.”

“Oh? No ice power for me to counteract overheating?” Touya asks, actually invested in your choice of conversation.

“Nah, it didn’t really seem fitting for you. Plus that’d be like a cheat because that means you get two powers while Keigo only gets one.”

“I’m good enough to have two fucking powers. But mine is better than Keigo’s anyway, way fucking cooler than having wings.”

“What? You’d rather be able to start forest fires over flying? My power is way more awesome, I get to fly and control all my feathers!” Keigo boasts about the fake powers you thought he’d have while you were high out of your mind a few times. “I say my powers are way better, I think I’d win in a fight against your stupid blue fire.”

Touya clicks his tongue and lets you leave his lap as you go to lie down on the grass in between them, looking back and forth between your two favorite boys. It’s cute that they’re getting so caught up in the conversation and actually debating who’s powers would be cooler. It almost makes them seem like they’re kids in elementary school.

“Obviously I have more power compared to your stupid chicken wings. You heard her, you wouldn’t be a strength type.”

“But I would have proficiency so that means my techniques would be perfected over just brute force.”

“I’d like to see how fucking proficient you are with your little shit feathers when I would just burn them off you.”

You have a feeling this debate would have gone over for a while if a few guys from the party hadn’t started calling Touya over. So he leans down to give you a kiss, intending for it to be quick but you grab the collar of his shirt, making out with him for a few seconds before he pries your hand off his collar and stands up. You whine when he starts walking away but you have Keigo as always to take care of you. “Keigo, gum please.”

“Alright spit out the old one here.” he tells you as he holds out the palm of his hand. He’s unbothered as the chewed gum lands in his palm, just tossing it somewhere over his shoulder and feeding you a new stick. “Well that was fun while it lasted. I’d have to come up with some counterpoints if this ever comes up again.”

“Mm-hmm… was fun listening to you guys.” you nod your head, quiet for a few seconds before moving onto something else. “I thought Touya was going to tell me he loved me a few days ago.” Keigo looks down at you, his hand coming to your forehead and his thumb rubbing smoothly just right above your eyebrow. It’s a weirdly comforting sensation and you hum in content. “I’m not upset that he didn’t say it but I think he said something that comes pretty close to it for the time being.”

Keigo nods his head, having had plenty of conversations with Touya in private and watching him struggle to articulate what exactly he feels for you. It’s good to know that he’s slowly getting better at being emotionally available for you. “What did he say to you (Name)?”

“It’s not like something crazy romantic, like a soliloquy or monologue from Shakespearean plays or whatever. It was really simple and it’s just the way he said it… it just kind of stirred something inside of me.” you sit up to look Keigo in his eyes. “He said he’d do anything for me.”

He leans forward, his forehead bumping against yours and his hand cupping your cheek. Your breaths intermingle in the small space between each other, your lips just a few precious centimeters away from Keigo’s. “Of course he would dove, you deserve so much. You’re just so… so fucking…”

Between you and Keigo, you’ve breached the line of platonic when you had that first threesome. It borders on romantic at times with still a hint of platonic, a certain fondness that Touya isn’t capable of. You think you might be in love with the both of them but you’re unable to measure exactly the distance of that love still. You’ve said ‘I love you’s’ while rolling but that’s what ecstasy does to everyone, makes a person love everything and everyone rather loosely.

Keigo dominates you in the kiss, different than the sensual make outs you’ve engaged in before. Ecstasy is more associated with deep emotions and sensuality rather than just sexual desire. But goddamn he’s getting hard in his pants and he wants to fuck you so bad and if you were just his, he wouldn’t mind just taking you right there on the spot. But you were Touya’s first and his friend would never tolerate letting you be seen naked by other people, would probably break his arm if he found out he tried such a thing. “Wanna get fucked song bird?”

You dumbly nod your head and spit out the gum were you chewing, already stroking the outline of his cock through his pants.

So Keigo pulls you to your feet and you’re unable to grab the water bottle that was brought with you outside. You try to tell him as he drags you back inside the house but he’s moving fast, probably so that no one will have a chance to see his dick print. You whine as he stops suddenly and push onto his back, and you’re about to whine at Keigo but then you’re on the move again. There are a few people upstairs, just drinking and chilling, probably a couple or two hooking up behind closed doors. You’re not certain if this is an Airbnb or if it really is someone’s home but you don’t ask any questions when you’re pulled into a random bedroom.

Normally you’d be very against having sex in someone else’s bedroom, a bathroom or in a closet of a house is fine, but you’re not really thinking about the consideration of who’s bed this might belong to. Not while you’re getting undressed and desperate for Keigo to keep on kissing you as he pushed you on the bed, bent over it and ass out. You fists the sheets in your hands when you feel his mouth against your pussy and eating you out, you feel like you’re wetter than usual and you think it might be from the ecstasy, you never really thought about it the few times you had Touya fucked while rolling. You’ve had friends tell you that they’ve struggled to have sex while rolling but it’s never been a problem for you so far.

“Keigo… Kei, it’s so good.” you whimper as you reach behind and spread your ass cheeks for him. It encourages something new, Keigo’s tongue licking up from your pussy and circling the tip of his tongue against your asshole. Touya’s played with it and fucked your ass before but he’s never actually eaten your ass. So it’s definitely new as Keigo spits on your tight rim and licks you up and down. “Oh god…”

You can hear knocking on the door but your blissed out brain prevents you from being embarrassed about the position you’re in. Keigo can just tell whoever is on the other side to go away.

“Fucking hell, my horny little princess just wants to be stuffed so much. We just fucked last night and you wanna go again?”

“Touya…” You move to sit on the edge of the bed and open your arms to him. “How did you know we were here?”

Touya doesn’t hug you like you hoped he would, he just pushes you to lie back on the bed as he shrugs off his jacket and undoes his belt. “Keigo said you want to get fucked, stopped by me while you were on your way up here and told me to come by in five minutes so I’m here to do that.”

“Thought you were busy…”

“Oh? You don’t want me here?”

The thought of Touya leaving makes you sit up and whine petulantly. “No! No, I want you here! I want the both of you to fuck me!”

“That’s our little whore, always hungry for cock.”

You nod in enthusiastic agreement.

“Let’s make it quick, shouldn’t be in here too long.”

Keigo gets to go first, spreading your legs and making you lie on your back. Your pussy flutters around his cock, groaning when his hips are pressed against your ass. He holds your legs up, ankles in his hand as he starts fucking you. Everything feels so good ecstasy, especially sex as you’re swimming in a warm pool of orgasmic water. When you look up into his golden eyes, it almost makes him falter. He drops your legs and hovers his body over you, his arms braced just above your head as you share eye contact with one another. Everything feels heightened, the pleasure and the fondness for Keigo rises. “You feel good Kei…feel fucking good…”

His cock is bottoming out and you mewl even louder, body feeling feverish but you feel no urge to want to cool down. He talks so much about how pretty you are and that you’re such an angel, all sugar sweet and sentimental. “I wanna eat out this sweet cunt and fuck you until you don’t have anymore goddamn thoughts in your pretty little head.” he’s panting, looks like he won’t last much longer because shit it’s all so overwhelming. Keigo is all you can feel and all you want in this moment. His movements are desperate, pounding you so hard the bed creaks. “My pretty baby bird— fuck!”

You had reached up to his shoulders and dragged your nails down his back and it drives Keigo mad, his eyes briefly rolling to the back of his head but regaining his composure long enough to drive himself into you. You cum, of course you cum, but now you know what it’s like to get fucked by Keigo while rolling. His cock pulses as he finishes in you, thick ropes of semen stuffing you full. When he pulls out, it leaks out onto the bedsheets and you should be more mindful because this might be someone’s bed but you can’t bring yourself to care.

It’s Touya’s turn as he takes Keigo’s place and throws your legs over his shoulders to start brutally pounding you with an enthusiasm that matched Keigo’s but not the same sentimentality. He slides in easily thanks to the cum that was already stuffed in you and doesn’t waste any time. This fucking isn’t exactly kind, Touya isn’t rolling like how you are, but you’ll take any kind of fucking from him in this moment. There’s no sweet words from him, it’s all filth; “So goddamn horny all the damn time, I swear you could be a professional whore with how much you love getting dicked down. You just love being a fucking sex doll, you fucking live for getting your pussy stuffed with cum until it overflows out of you and even then you’ll beg for more!”

You want to scratch Touya’s back too, he loves the pain of your nails making him bleed, but he’s standing up right away from you. Even as you beg for him to come closer so that you can hold him, you can see that he has no intention of giving you what you want. So you have one hand playing with your tits and the other on your clit as Touya uses you shamelessly, wailing as he pummels his cock into you.

The music downstairs is loud but you wonder if you’re louder than it, maybe the people downstairs can hear you screaming how you love cock and that you’re cumming all over Touya’s cock.

He’s panting hard as reaches a hand forward and chokes you while he cums… hard. It’s surprising to see Touya with so little composure, he really must have enjoyed himself.

“Fucking hell, you realized how much you were cumming and what a slut you sounded like? I could barely— fucking hold myself together.” he pants, wiping sweat off his brow and kissing your ankle before setting your legs down. “Fuck… I need water.”

Lucky for you guys, the room you entered has an en suite so you can just drink straight from the faucet instead of wobbling downstairs to get a fresh bottle.

The boys are able to recuperate faster but you still need a few minutes so you tell them you’ll meet them downstairs. After a much needed potty break, you splash your face with cool water and then cup your palms together for it to pool in your hands, leaning down to sip from it. It’s refreshing, quenches your throat and cools you off a bit. Looking into the mirror, you see that your pupils are still as big as dinner plates and you smile at your own reflection. “Fun…”

Another drink of water from the faucet and you decide it’s time to exit the room, getting dressed and smoothing down your hair the best you can. When you open the door to leave, you’re taken aback to see your ex on the other side. He looks the same like the last time you saw him, though he gels his hair a little bit differently now. He looks unsteady on his feet, probably drunk, so you steady your hands on his shoulders and help him inside. “Jun…”

“Whoa… (Name), sorry I didn’t know you were in here. Was lookin’ for an empty room to take a nap…” he explains himself, leaning some of his weight against your body. You help him to sit at the computer chair by the desk in the room. “I can fin’ another room.”

“Ah no, I was just leaving. Just um… I wouldn’t go on the bed.” There’s an obvious wet spot on the bed from where you had cum, Keigo and Touya’s semen leaking out in globs out of your pussy before you cleaned up. “And maybe air out the room too.”

“Yeah, smells like your pussy, all sweet and sunshine. Makes me nostalgic.”

You don’t know what to say to that; clearly he knows that you just got fucked.

Sure you missed Jun at one point in your life, but since being with Touya he hasn’t really crossed your mind since. You look at him, thinking that there was a time that you really wanted to make it work with him but that feeling was long gone now. So you move to open the window for him to clear out smell of sex… and your pussy apparently. “Okay well… I’m gonna go downstairs. Have a good nap.”

“Hey, stay here for a little. Let’s talk.”

Even though you’re rolling, you know that’s not a good idea. “You look tired and my boyfriend is waiting downstairs.”

Jun looks at you, relaxing against the computer chair and undoing the top two buttons of his shirt. “You talking about Dabi? When I heard he got a main girl I was pretty surprised, he used to have a roster of bitches. Then I heard that it was you and I got even more surprised, didn’t think he’d be your type of guy.”

With a mere shrug of your shoulders, you just tell Jun that it’s been working out well between you and Touya, careful to not use his real name.

“Yeah? Things are good? You ever talk about me?” Jun asks as he taps his feet on the floor. “Or you busy getting double teamed with his friend Takami? Can’t talk if one of them is stuffing your mouth while the other plows you from behind.”

If you didn’t know Jun then you would be offended by his words, but that’s his mannerism of speaking when he’s drunk. So you take it in stride and evenly answer, “You came up a few times in the beginning, that’s it.”

Jun nods his head, swivels back and forth in the chair while his head lolls side to side. “You high or something? Got this weird look on your face I’ve never seen on you before.”

“I’m on ecstasy right now.”

“No shit, really? I thought you were all anti-drugs and all that? At least you were when I was seeing you, I guess Dabi turned you huh.”

You sigh and lean against the wall, fingers playing with the hem of your shirt. “I was against hard core drugs like meth or heroin or PCP… I still am against that kind of stuff. A little bit of ecstasy and coke every so often doesn’t hurt me. I’m not cracked out or popping tablets to the point my body can’t produce serotonin anymore.”

“Mm… I see. So you tried new things since the last time I saw you huh?” Jun sits straighter in the chair, leaning his elbow on the arm rest and resting his cheek in his palm. “Ecstasy, coke… threesomes.”

Jun looks at you, seems to be scrutinizing you under his gaze. “You’re not the only person to be hooking up on this floor. But when I was looking for a room to nap in, I passed by this one and I recognized your voice on the other side. Thought it was just you and Dabi at first but I could hear a third person in there and figured it was Takami ‘cause he’s the only person your man likes to hang around. I guess now that you tell me that you’re rolling, it makes sense why you were enjoying yourself so much. I’ve fucked on ecstasy before too, feels pretty fantastic.”

You stand a little straighter and look down at Jun. “Right… well you seriously look exhausted so I better-”

“I realized a couple months after you left why you broke up with me. I realized I was kind of fucked up when I was with you and you didn’t deserve it. You were nice back then, wanted to be with me so bad and I didn’t see it. Any guy who wanted to settle down, you would be the right person to do all that stuff with. You were like the girl next door, perfect to bring home to meet mom and dad. But the way you are now…” Jun stands up from the chair and saunters up to you. “You just looking to get stuffed with cock these days? You really a whore like Dabi said you were? You must be if you’re fucking him and Takami.”

“You’re drunk Jun, don’t say stuff that’s going to make things bad between us. This could be a chance for us to start over.” you press him, not wanting to get into this conversation. “We didn’t exactly leave on good terms so we can build something different now.”

“Different huh? Things sure are different now, you’ve got Dabi to do all your nagging to now right? Or maybe he’s fucked you into a mindless whore that only thinks about getting dicked down.”

You huff and clench your jaw harder than it’s already doing because of the drugs, glaring at your annoying ex boyfriend. “So what? You listened to Dabi’s dirty talk like a pervy little voyeur?” It’s hard to gather up your guts when you’re on ecstasy and honestly a little hard to concentrate but you definitely won’t let yourself be talked down like that and you won’t allow yourself to take this kind of abuse. “You’re a bitch.”

His hand goes for your throat and you’re thrown hard against the wall, stress on your windpipe making you gasp and fingernails dig into your neck. This takes you back to the break up when you did the exact same thing to him; the irony is definitely not lost on you. But even with Jun’s threatening hand around your throat you gasp out, “You’re a pussy.”

“This is kind of like how our break up happened except you’re the one against the wall. How does it feel to be choked on ecstasy? Feel good? Miss my hands?” he asks, liquor heavy on his breath. “You used to be so nice, you know that?”

You’re strangling me you asshole.

If only there was enough pressure lifted off your throat to tell him that, weakly grabbing at his wrist and trying to tug him off.

But it’s a very lucky thing for you that Touya likes to keep tabs on you because you recognize the sound of his boots approaching the door, wondering what’s taking you so damn long. If he sees Jun like this, he’ll for sure beat his ass or worse. Even though you hate him so much in this moment, you’d rather not put Jun or Touya through that kind of thing. So you wheeze out to him the best you can, “Let go… he’s coming…”

The door swings open as Jun takes his hand back and you lower your head down.

“The fuck’s taking you so long doll…” Touya’s voice drifts as he looks at Jun when he enters the room and even though you’re not looking at him, you can see in your imagination that he’s got suspicion in those turquoise blue eyes of his. “Friend of yours?”

What you remember about Jun is that he doesn’t have a lot of tact, that it’d be smarter in this situation to just say, ‘yes, we’re friends.’ After all, Touya doesn’t know his face so he could get away with that and just be on his way. But he’s such a smug shit when he tells Touya, “I’m her ex-boyfriend, Jun. The guy before you, you know? We were just catching up a little, right (Name)?”

“Mm…” you hum, going to Touya for a hug and hiding your face in his chest. Despite the apathetic expression he’s sporting, you can tell that he’s a little disgruntled with Jun already. “Yeah, just catching up. It’s hot in here…”

Touya pets the top of your head and tells you to go to downstairs, prepared to walk down with you but Jun stops him with a question. “Dabi right? Before you go, I was wondering if you happen to have any 2CB I can score? Or maybe another connect I could go to?”

You walk alone out of the room as Touya stays behind to do business with Jun. Keigo waits by the foot of the stairs and when your feet touch the ground floor, you hug him and tell him that you want a drink. “Okay dove, I saw them making another jungle juice so I’ll get you a cup.”

An hour passes and you’re surprised that Touya is going about his business and Jun is mingling with the set of friends he came to the party with. You figure that probably nothing happened despite your ex’s snarky introduction to your boyfriend. Keigo has you in his lap and you’ve been curled against his body since coming back from the room while Keigo is happily chatting with a fellow classmate from one of his lab’s. He’s got one hand around on your thigh and the other massaging the back of your back. It feels good but hurts a little at certain spots and you’re not sure why.

It’s getting close to three and the party is dwindling down, hyped up drinking has turned into chill sipping and the music plays mellow hiphop beats. Last you saw Jun he was standing in the kitchen when you went to go get more water, not sparing him any of your attention as he took a shot of whiskey and chased it with cola. Touya will be done soon, three in the morning is usually his cut off if he hasn’t taken anything to keep him awake.

“Alright you two, let’s get going.” Touya stifles a yawn as he walks up to you, nodding passively at a random party goer that greets him.

You stand up from Keigo’s lap and smooth down your shirt, frowning down at the wrinkles and thinking that you have to go through the trouble of ironing it. “My neck kinda hurts for some reason, I don’t know why.”

“Really? I’ve been massaging you but you haven’t said anything dove. Let me see…” Keigo stands behind you and plants his hands on your shoulders, pushing the pads of his thumbs up into the muscles at the back of your neck. “Is it here?”

“No… more like in the front?”

“(Name), lift your head up. Look at the ceiling for me.” Touya tells you, his voice sounding hard for some reason when it was just a little tired a few seconds ago.

You don’t know what they’re seeing when you look up but you hear a growl from Touya and a gasp from Keigo. “Jesus dude, did you have to choke her that hard?”

“I fucking didn’t.” Touya turns sharply on his heel and walks fast. Suddenly he’s a man on a mission and Keigo is after him and asking what had happened. You take your phone out of your pocket and use the front facing camera to see what they were talking about. You see what they were seeing; purple bruises around your neck in the shape of a handprint.

Jun is fucking dead.