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thestorytellerofkpop · 5 years

Text

Title: Like I Can

Rating: M

Genre: Yandere/horror, smut

Pairings: Taehyung x Reader, Jimin x Reader

Word Count: 10.1k

Warnings: Yandere themes (obsession, stalking, non-consensual voyeurism, threatening, light sexual harassment), Smut (oral (female receiving), derogatory names, unprotected sex, dirty talk, cum kink), college au, bashing economics.

Summary: Through a chance encounter of circumstance, Taehyung came into your life like a mantra. His mind was entranced with you, wanting to give you nothing more than his mind, his heart and soul. And even though another lover has hold of your hand, Taehyung was going to show you, that your other lover could never love you like he can.

A/N: This fic was written as a part of @bang-tan-bitches Monster Mash Writing Challenge! And though Halloween may be over, every time is the right time for a gold ol’ fashioned yandere smut fic!

It was another long and boring day. You tapped your pen repeatedly to a rhythm in your head that no one else could hear as you leaned your cheek to rest against your open palm. Your eyes shifted to look at the clock across the room. Only a few more minutes before you could escape the hell of a class that was Economics. You tapped your foot impatiently, praying for the minutes to move just a little faster. You didn’t have anywhere important to be after class, but you wanted nothing more than to cuddle up and bed, catch up on your YouTube binge of the new Shane Dawson series and just relax.

Across the room, a pair of eyes were trained on your fingers. How they curved and fiddled with the cheap plastic of the pen, how they molded into the soft flesh of your cheek and twirled around a strand of loose hair framing your face. Oh, how to be that close to your body? How soft would that supple skin feel beneath rough hands? With fingers slowly skimming down your frame as soft noises left your lips in a mantra, pleading, for something rougher, harder-

The second the professor dismissed the class you sprang up from your seat, hastily shoving your laptop back into your bag before making a beeline for the door. You were so close to the exit, so close to walking through the threshold with the rest of your rushing peers. In your haste to leave though, you had bumped into a rather firm surface, causing you to fall flat on your behind.

“Ow…” you mumbled, rubbing your sore shoulder and noting the pain from your tailbone.

“I-I’m so sorry.”

Suddenly a rich, bright pair of eyes were staring into your own, flickering over your body in a quick survey. You smiled gratefully, taking the outstretched hand the man had offered to you as you rose gracefully to your feet. You eyed the flexing muscles in his arm as he pulled you up and you unconsciously licked your lips.

“It’s okay…uh, Taehyung, right?” you asked as you picked up your fallen bag from the floor.

“Y-Yeah! We were in Western Civ together last semester.” a blush crept up Taehyung’s cheeks while his fingers played with a fray in his jeans. “A-Are you sure you’re alright Y/N?”

You raised your brow at him, cocking your hip to the side as you fished your earbuds out of your pockets.

“You remember my name?” Taehyung nodded eagerly as he watched you plug the jack into your phone. “Usually no one remembers who I am.” you hummed, fiddling with the music app on your phone.

“How could I forget you Y/N.”

It was a statement, not a question. You stared at Taehyung for a second too long, and you were sure he could tell that the chuckle you let out in the next second was too forced. Too loud in your ears. But he only smiled at you with his lips parted in a grin.

“Alright, well, I guess I’ll, umm, see you next class.” you gave Taehyung a little wave, putting your earbuds in your ears and turning the volume up as loud as you could, leaving the room and the tall man behind.

Taehyung sighed softly, shaking his hips in a little dance as he picked up his dropped book from the ground. As he bent down, a clear shine stared back up at him. He grabbed his book and the pen that had dropped next to it. Your pen. The same pen that you had been fidgeting with just moments ago. Filled with dark navy ink with teeth marks in the plastic end, Taehyung hummed softly and slipped it into his back pocket.

He’d have to return it to you later.

~*~

The following day came and went, and you found yourself sitting back in the throes of the evening Economics class. Your professor droned on and on about the importance of market price-ups and consumer intelligence but you couldn’t care less about the words coming out of his mouth.

“Damn,” you muttered under your breath as your hand rummaged through the small pocket of your backpack. Just wonderful. You had managed to lose your favorite and only pen. You sighed, leaning back in your chair just to accept the fact that it was just now taken into the void of lost things. You tapped at your computer in regret as you now were forced to take notes in a Word Doc; you weren’t the fastest of typers and you knew you were bound to miss some of the information. Stupid professor for not posting his lessons online. You’d have to borrow the extra notes from someone later, you mused.

In the same spot from across the room, steady eyes followed the slow pace of your fingers moving across the keys of your laptop. It was almost as if he could hear the soft taps of frustration from such a distance and the eyes couldn’t help but crinkle up in amusement. But they soon widened when they noticed the bite to your lower lip, how the soft pink flesh disappeared and returned with a dark and heady blush. He wanted to make that blush appear all over your body. From your lips, slick with love and the promises of what’s to come. From your cheeks, flushed with embarrassment from begging for more and more of him and only him. From places even lower, bruised and marked with the imprints of his hands, his teeth, over supple and smooth skin as he claims you as his. How his ears would tingle as your broken whimpers leave those cherry-kissed lips, calling out his name, asking to be used, begging for more of his touch, pleading for him to just go a little lower and feel how needy I am for you-

You almost cried in relief when the professor wrapped up his lecture, quickly reminding you about the term paper that would be due in a few weeks before waving a dismissing hand in the air. You hummed a tune to yourself as you brought your bag into your lap, double and triple checking that your pen was in fact not there before huffing in defeat. You pulled out your phone as you stood from the desk, trying to remember the brand of the pen so you could order some more of them online when a large hand slowly skimmed the wood of your desk, dropping the pen you had lost in its wake. You managed to catch Taehyung’s wink before he left over the threshold of the classroom, and you hastily packed up your things in order to catch up to him.

“Hey, Taehyung!”

He turned at the top of the stairs, his smile large and radiant when he knew it was you calling out for him. He waited for you to catch up with him, and he couldn’t help but chuckle at the tiny stride you had. It was completely and utterly adorable.

“Hey you.” Taehyung chuckled at your grateful smile as you brandished the pen around like a sword. He knew you were thanking him for returning it, but his thoughts barely processed the words the left your lips. He was staring into your eyes instead, at the swirling colors and emotions they held.

“Would you mind if I walked you home?” he asked suddenly, cutting off your rambling about how smoothly the pen’s ink wrote.

“Um, sure! Yeah that’d be nice.” you nodded, staring the descent down the stairs with Taehyung at your heels. “It’s been getting darker sooner, and the house I’m at is a little ways away.”

“You live in a house?” Taehyung cocked his head to the side as he held the door open for you, his lips pulling up when you thanked him.

“Mmhmm! Well, me and my roommates rent it out from this lovely little old couple. They’re retired down in the warmer parts of the country and they rent the rooms out to the college students for a little extra cash. It’s nice having private bathrooms and a bathtub, you wouldn't believe.” you chuckled as you guided Taehyung off the main college road and towards the little suburbs that surrounded the campus.

“It sounds lovely.” Taehyung hummed as he observed the quaint little houses you both passed by. Some lawns overgrown; others manicured with wilting flowers from the changing seasons. They were bright and welcoming, with yellowing streetlights and weeping willow trees.

“Loki!”

Your outburst startled Taehyung, and he watched with wide eyes as you ran up to a small blue house, trampling through the front yard to grab a black cat from an open windowsill.

“Is that your cat?” Taehyung chuckled as you pressed soft kisses onto the cat’s head.

“He may as well be,” you chuckled as Taehyung stroked the cat’s back. “He’s my roommate’s. But he loves hanging out on my windowsill because the sunlight always hits it just right. But I usually crack my window to air out my bedroom and I’m always afraid this sweet man is going to run away.”

Taehyung hummed thoughtfully at your words, nodding his head while your voice filled his mind.

“Well, thank you again for walking me home. I really appreciate it.” you smiled and you could’ve sworn Taehyung’s eyes grew three shades brighter.

“Of course, any time Y/N. You and Loki enjoy your evening.” Taehyung sent you a wink and turned on his heels, walking back down the sidewalk from which you came.

“Huh,” you muttered as your fingers scratched behind Loki’s ears. “What do you think Loki?” you turned to look into the cat’s green eyes and he blinked back at your slowly.

“Exactly as I thought,” you nodded as you walked into the house. “A little weird...but oddly charming.”

Later that night you entered your room with a sigh, letting your back fall against your bedroom door as you rubbed your eyes. You had to put Jisoo and Jennie to bed, those two drunkards, but you loved and cared for them too much to just leave them out in the cold living room drunk off their rockers at three in the morning. So, you put them both to bed, placed cups of water and Tylenol by their beds for the morning to come and hurried off to your room before they could catch you. Not that you think they could get out of bed once they hit the soft comforter as sleep lulled them away.

You heaved yourself off the door and moved to the little speaker that sat on your desk, pulling your phone out of your back pocket while putting on some soft music. You clicked on the lamp, basking the room in a soft glow as you swayed along to the music, throwing your phone on your bed in a flourish as part of your dance. It’s late, you thought, no one will see me this late in the night. You began to sing along softly to the music when you moved to crack open the large window in your room, letting the crisp fall air inside as your open curtains swayed with the breeze.

Oh, what a beautiful voice you have.

You swayed your hips from side to side as you sauntered over to your dresser, pulling it open with a little extra shake of your hips in time with the beat from the song. Your back was to the window as you shimmied out of your jeans, your voice muffling against your shirt as you pulled that over your head too. Your bare back was exposed, making you shiver from the cool wind hitting your skin. You quickly pulled off your panties and replaced them just as fast with a pair as dark as twilight.

That color looks so delectable against your skin, oh how would you react to me pulling them down your thighs with my teeth? So slow with my tongue just barely brushing over your skin, leaving you bare and open to my wandering eyes.

You opened another drawer and hummed in thought as your fingers roamed over the soft fabrics nestled within. You made your decision and plucked the silk shirt from the confines of your dresser, letting the white fabric envelop your arms in cool kisses against your skin as it fell down over the curve of your back, the hem just barely covering the twilight between your legs. You danced around your room and turned the music down just a little lower before landing on your bed with a soft plop. You kicked your legs up in the air, watching them keep in time to the rhythm of the music with soft giggles falling past your lips. You picked up your phone and the screen illuminated your face as you continued to kick along to the song, your thumb brushing over the LED screen gently.

Oh, how you tease me in the best of ways, angel. Moving your hips and those legs in such a tantalizing way, like you want me to kneel in front of your alter and just beg for your touch, your voice, your taste. Then to tease me with silk kissing your skin so beautifully, covering the parts of you that I want to devour the most. If only I could touch you, make you mine beneath my lips and fingertips. I’d have you begging for me, pleading please don’t stop, I need you, I want you so so bad, please unravel me with everything you have to give. Oh, sweet angel, I will make you mine.

Your head snapped towards the window, gazing out into the still night. You stood slowly, approaching the window with soft steps. You poked your head out, looking left, looking right, before humming in confusion. You closed the window, locking it and drawing your curtains as you made your way back to bed. A feeling of uneasiness settled in the pit of your stomach, a shiver running down your spine. No, you were just imagining things.

If only you had looked straight down in the rose bushes below. You would’ve had a sight to behold hiding behind soft petals. Messy brown strands of hair sticking up in places from where a hand ran through the silky strands. Sweet sweat running down a sharp, curved jawline, tasting like rosewater cologne and a mixture of adrenaline and regret. Full, parted lips, whispering dirty thoughts to the moon as they grew red from exertion and the bites to savor the feeling of long, rough fingers wrapped around a desperate hardness.

“Fuck…”

He tucked himself back into his jeans as he rose on shaky knees, hoping to peer through your window one more time, to send you the sweetest goodnight kiss, but whined in disappointment when he found his view obstructed by unwanted curtains. The hours had been worth it, just to see you lose yourself in your own world, to watch you be so in tune with your body and thoughts. He knew he was obsessed, but how could it be so bad when it made him feel so fucking good?

He stood on his feet and scurried off into the darkness of the night, waiting for the next time you two would meet and see each other again.

~*~

Taehyung would like to think you and him have become acquaintances. You would always give him a wave when you walked into class, and he’d wave back from his perch in the raised back of the classroom. He asked you to join him in the back one day, the seats to his left and right always conveniently available, but you declined, telling him you couldn’t see that far away and needed to sit towards the front. He recommended maybe seeing an eye doctor, but you just laughed and told him you couldn’t afford that. His heart broke when you told him that. You deserved the best things in the world, and nothing less, including optical care.

On Monday you didn’t come to class.

On Wednesday you still were nowhere to be found.

Once Friday rolled around and you still weren’t coming to class, Taehyung was out of his mind with worry. Throughout the entire class Taehyung couldn’t focus. All his thoughts were on you, you, you. Where were you? Were you okay, hurt, did you need help? Why didn’t he think to get your number before you had up and vanished? His leg wouldn’t stop shaking and his fingers tapped impatiently on the desk. He was going to see you, he needed to see you. He needed to make sure you were okay.

Once the class was over, Taehyung jumped to his feet and hurried to the door, determination set in his features.

“Taehyung, can you come back for a minute?”

Taehyung growled in annoyance before turning back into the room, plastering a fake smile onto his face as he approached the professor’s desk.

“Yes sir?”

“Miss L/S emailed me last night-”

“She did?! Is she okay?” Taehyung suddenly was very interested in what the senile old man had to say, his eyes widening with worry.

“She’s fine Mr. Kim, just very sick at the moment.” the professor eyed his student for a second before shaking his head.

“Anyways, she asked me if I could give you this week’s handouts to give to her. She said you two were friends and would like to get started on the make-up work over the weekend.”

“Friends…?” Taehyung’s lips pulled up into a dreamy smile as the professor dumped the week’s workload into his waiting arms. “I’ll make sure she gets them sir.”

“Very good. Enjoy your weekend Mr. Kim.” the professor watched as Taehyung left the room, arguably in a better mood than he has seen his student in, in a long while.

Taehyung walked as fast as he could down the sidewalk towards your little home. God, he hoped you were taking care of yourself. Or your roommates were helping you out. But it would be pointless anyways, he knew no one could take care of you like he could.

He approached the little blue house, slightly out of breath and hair askew as he knocked on the door. When he heard the door rattle, he managed to pull a smile up his cheeks, hoping to make a good first impression on your roommates, but his smile slowly slid down his face and formed into a scowl once his eyes met who was standing in the threshold.

“Oh! Um, hello.” the man on the other side of the door smiled, his pretty pink lips matching the color of his soft, fluffy hair. “Can I help you?”

“Where’s Y/N?”

The other man frowned at the tone in Taehyung’s voice, and Taehyung couldn’t help but chuckle when the other man stood just a little taller, puffing his chest out.

“Who’s asking?” he raised his brow at Taehyung.

“Jimin,”

A soft croak sounded from further in the house and Taehyung’s heart broke at the sight. You approached the two men slowly, being dragged down by the large purple blanket wrapped around your shoulders. Your eyes were hollow and empty, and your nose as red as can be, but you still mustered up a smile when you saw Taehyung, and that alone made his heart soar in his chest.

“Y/N, you should be in bed.” Jimin lightly scolded you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

“Screw that, you were taking too long.” you mumbled and Taehyung snorted at your comment.

“I have the missing work from this past week.” Taehyung held out the papers lamely, and Jimin’s face lit up in recognition as you took the stack.

“Oh! So, you’re Taehyung then?” Jimin held out his hand. Taehyung stared at him for a few seconds before begrudgingly taking the peace offer, not missing the way Jimin’s hand squeezed just a little too hard. Not that Taehyung wasn’t doing the same.

“In the flesh.”

“Jiminie, could you please go put these on my desk for me?” you looked up at Jimin with wide eyes, batting your lashes up at him. “Please?”

“Sure, anything for you babe.” Jimin smiled down at you, giving your head a little scratch. “Nice to meet you Taehyung.”

“Mm, likewise.” Taehyung said as Jimin left the entryway.

“Thank you, Taehyung.” you sniffled, rubbing your nose with your fist balled up in the blanket. Taehyung cooed softly, a cute pout pulling down his lips.

“Are you doing okay Y/N? Really?” you sighed at the seriousness in his voice, nodding your head slowly.

“I’m doing better than before; this isn’t even the worst part of it. I should be back in class on Monday though. Hopefully.” you managed a smile. “Thankfully I’ve had Jimin to help nurse me back to health.”

“Are you and him…?” Taehyung let his thoughts trail off, looking at you expectantly.

“Together?” you finished with a cough. “Mmhmm, for a while now.”

You were thrusted into another coughing fit, and didn’t see the malice in Taehyung’s eyes once he heard your confirmation.

“Feel better soon Y/N.”

You looked up to see Taehyung running away from your house, you watched him for a second before shaking your head, turning back inside.

“What a strange dude…”

~*~

Taehyung cursed as he lay in bed that night, scrolling through all your social media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. None of them mentioned nor showed Jimin even once. He shook his head and threw his phone down onto the comforter in frustration.

“Jimin,” Taehyung growled, punching the mattress. He stood, moving to the small desk in the corner of the room as he thought. He glanced at the wall in front of him, freshly painted and dried into a beautiful dark navy blue. The same color of the panties you put on a few nights ago. Your favorite color. He smiled when his eyes met your face, again, and again, all pinned up on the blue wall in front of him. Most pictures were from your social media, but some he took himself from his little hiding spot in the rose bushes, from the back of the classroom when no one else was paying attention. He opened the journal that rested on the desk, glancing through the written fantasies, the moonlit thoughts from the dirtiest part of his mind on what he wanted to do to you, what he desired, what he needed to have.

As he flipped, he came upon a page he had written with the pen you oh so clumsily dropped. Your name. Repeated over and over again in loops and hearts and every which way between. Taehyung thumbed at the indentations in the paper, remembering how hard he had pressed, how hard he had held himself while the thoughts of you overfilled and controlled his mind, bringing him the greatest pleasure that was dried onto the paper as he came with your name on his lips.

Taehyung chuckled.

Jimin. He was merely an obstacle in Taehyung’s plan to make you become his. Jimin couldn’t even compare to what Taehyung could do and give you. Would Jimin study every part of you like Taehyung had? He knew everything. From your favorite color and food, right down to the name you had given your pet rock in the 3rd grade (It was Thor, oh how he loved your nerdy side). Would Jimin be willing to retrieve the stars for you? Or maybe the moon if you had wanted it. He would even go as far as to retrieve the Heart of the Sea for you, despite his fear of the deep ocean. If you wanted it, Taehyung would do it. He would do anything and everything for you, and your love. Would Jimin sacrifice himself for you? Would Jimin kill for you? Because Taehyung knew he would. He would tarnish his hands crimson, stain his clothes with the blood of those who tried to keep you from him, of those who hurt you, who doubted his hard-raging love for you.

Taehyung knew you didn’t need a boy. No. Jimin was a boy. You needed a man. A man like Taehyung. A man who was willing to serve your every beck and call, every want and desire. You needed to be worshiped and loved.

And Taehyung was going to make that happen. He was going to show you what true love really was.

Once he got rid of the pesky problem known as Park Jimin.

Taehyung was walking back to his apartment from his Thursday class, Hozier blaring through his earbuds as he observed the campus, catching your beauty in almost everything. From the way the leaves were starting to change their colors, how rainbows shined in the rain puddles from the shower earlier in the morning, to the last few butterflies migrating south for the chill to come, everything was just beauty incarnate for you. And right on the outskirts of campus, next to the science department, did Taehyung see him.

Jimin, leaning against the hood of a silver Volvo, idly scrolling through his phone. Was that perhaps why you liked Jimin so much? Because he had a car? Not that you needed it in a college town anyways, fucking showoff.

“Taehyung!”

The devil was really trying his patience today.

Taehyung listened to Jimin’s call, pulling the earbuds out of his ears as he approached the shorter man.

“Let me be blunt,” Taehyung started before Jimin could even muster a hello, his mouth grimaced into a sneer. “I don’t like you. And I really don’t want to be seen with the likes of you in public, so what do you want?”

Jimin just smirked, his eyes growing dark as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“I just want to know what your problem is, dude.” Jimin spat. Taehyung scoffed.

“I should be asking you the same thing. How could someone like Y/N be associated with someone like you?”

Jimin chuckled, moving into Taehyung’s personal space as he looked him up and down.

“You have a lot of nerve saying something like that to me.”

“I’m not afraid of you Park Jimin.”

“Oh no, I know that perfectly well,” Jimin smirked. “But I know you are scared of losing something else. Or should I say someone else?”

Taehyung’s face fell and Jimin chuckled triumphantly.

“I knew it. You’re jealous of me because Y/N is with me and not you. But guess what weirdo.” Jimin shoved Taehyung’s chest, causing him to stumble back. “Y/N is mine. Not yours. She may not see that creepy obsessive aura shit you have going for you, but I do. And one word from me can keep her so far away from you the only thing you’ll be seeing of her is her name on a restraining order.”

“You don’t deserve Y/N. You stole her away from me, and I promise you I will be getting her back.”

Jimin just laughed, so hard that tears came out of his eyes.

“Are you delusional up there? We’ve been together for months, and you just came into her life, what? A few weeks ago? Get out of whatever fantasy you have in your head; you’ve never had her and you never will.”

The two men were now face to face, scowls on their lips and eyes shining with fury.

“Y/N will soon realize that she needs me, not you, in her life.” Before he knew it, Taehyung was laying on the ground, winded and out of breath.

“Don’t make me hurt you anymore Taehyung. I’m only going to tell you this once. Stay away from Y/N. She’s mine. And she’ll never belong to you.” Jimin growled as Taehyung stood on his feet.

“She’ll see. Y/N will figure it out on her own that she wants me. She loves me.” Taehyung mumbled.

“Oh, you think so?” Jimin chuckled. “We’ll see about that. And you know what, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I won’t tell Y/N about any of this, just to humor you. Now get out of my sight.”

Taehyung couldn’t be happier to listen to what Jimin had to say. He left the campus faster than he ever had before.

Oh, he was going to kill Park Jimin. He was going to prove him wrong.

~*~

Taehyung was the first into Economics like always. He always wanted to get there first, so he could wave and smile at you from his spot in the class. When you walked in today though, his heart did little flips in his chest. You were wearing glasses, a soft smiling pulling up your lips when you returned Taehyung’s wave. You paused for a moment, your nose scrunching up in thought before you started to climb up towards him, and oh no, no Taehyung swore his heart was going to explode once you were right next to him. You cocked your hip out, a playful glint in your eyes as you tapped on the desk to his right.

“Is this seat taken?” you giggled as Taehyung shook his head no, plopping yourself into the chair next to him.

“You look a lot better.” Taehyung hummed as he watched you take out your laptop. You chuckled, rolling your eyes at him.

“Thanks, girls love hearing that.”

“N-No! That’s not what I meant! You always look amazing, but you were sick and looked miserable and I just, ah…” Taehyung could feel his cheeks heating up, this wasn’t how he wanted this conversation to go. When he heard your laughter, Taehyung peered over at you through his bangs, a sheepish smile on his lips.

“You’re cute Tae.”

“Cute?” Taehyung’s heart thumped a little faster.

“Mmhmm,” you nodded as you dug through your backpack for paper and your trusty pen. “I am feeling a lot better though, thank you. It’s just fun to tease you.”

Taehyung’s heart skipped a beat when you winked at him, and he could feel himself melt into the chair at the thought of you teasing him a little more. In both the light and the dark.

“I heeded your advice.” you continued as you pulled off your glasses to wipe the smudges off of them. “An early Christmas present from my mother. They’ll have to do for now until I can get contacts.”

“I personally think you look beautiful.” Taehyung murmured. It took him a second to process his words before he looked over at your shocked expression. “With the glasses I mean, they just enhance your eyes.”

“Oh,” you chuckled, looking down to fiddle with the keys on your laptop. “Well, thank you.”

You were both thrusted into silence after that, as other students came walking in and when the professor started the class. Sitting next to you was both a blessing and a curse. For one, Taehyung got to brush knees with you all class and got to notice all the little details he could never see before. Like how when you were bored, you’d play with your fingers, or how you crossed your ankles and knees every few minutes, almost as if you couldn’t find any comfortable position to rest in. He got to smell the heady and perfect scent of your perfume; lilies, violets, clementines and something a little sweeter that Taehyung could only describe as you. And in the stolen glances he took, he was fixated on your lips. In the way you nibbled on them when you were concentrating, how you pouted in confusion, and how you always seemed to be wetting them with the tip of your tongue, gliding along the smooth, pink skin almost teasingly slow, like you were purposely riling Taehyung up for him to take you in the way you deserved. He almost couldn’t take all the teasing.

“Don’t forget to check the partner list for the group projects, they’ll be sitting here on my desk.” the professor shut his briefcase with a resounding click, and immediately the class stood, ready to get home after the long night class.

Huh, class wasn’t over that soon, was it?

“Do you wanna go check the list?” you asked as you stood, packing your things up before slinging the bag over your shoulder. Taehyung immediately stood, shoving his things away as he followed you down to the teacher’s desk, a smile spreading across his cheeks.

“Looks like the angels has destined for us to be together.” Taehyung chuckled.

“Or maybe the professor just paired us together due to the sick week fiasco and he knows you'll be able to catch me up.” you stuck your tongue out at Taehyung, and he wanted nothing more but to taste your tongue against his own.

“Here, gimme your phone,” you held your hand out expectantly towards Taehyung.

“W-Why?”

“So, I can give you my number for the project, silly.” you shook your head, making grabby motions with your fingers.

“I, um, my phone’s dead! Yeah, that’s it, so let me just put my number in yours.” Taehyung chuckled and you eyed him wearily.

“Fine,” you relented, handing over your phone after unlocking it. “If you didn’t want me to see the boobs as your lock screen you could’ve just said so.” you teased. Taehyung shook his head, hiding his smile through the bite in his lip. If only you knew that his home and lock screens were pictures of you, one taken from class, another from a beach photo shoot you posted on Instagram last summer.

“Did you want to maybe start it tonight? At least the initial planning if you’re free?” Taehyung asked, hopping on any excuse just to be with you as he gave you back your phone.

“I can’t tonight. It’s ‘date night’.” you rolled your eyes as you and Taehyung walked out of the classroom. “Jimin and I try to meet at least once a week to hang out, since he’s busy doing all his pre-med shit we rarely get to see each other. Monday just happens to be the night where we’re both free.”

“Oh? Is that so?” he hummed in thought.

“Yeah, so unfortunately I have to head back. But I’ll text you later, yeah?” you smiled at Taehyung and he couldn’t help but return the gesture.

“Sure, I’ll see you soon Y/N.” he waved as you left the building, a smirk taking over his once innocent smile.

~*~

Your curtains swayed with the breeze from your open window that night, reaching out to your form laying against the bed. Tonight, you were accompanied by another, the both of you cuddled under a blanket as you indulged yourselves with reruns of The Bachelorette on your little laptop. You knew Jimin only put up with your silly reality television to make you happy, which is why you were cuddled into him so closely and intimately, with your head on his chest as your hand idly traced shapes into his abdomen. You knew Jimin just wanted to be close to you, to escape the stress of school even for just a night. You leaned further into his touch, where his hand was petting through your hair gently, savoring the contact.

“She’s an idiot.” you mumbled into Jimin’s skin. Jimin just chuckled at your comment, looking down at you with shining eyes.

“And why do you say that?”

“It’s obvious that she loves him, and that he loves her back” you hummed and shook your head while you watched the Bachelorette dismiss the losers for that episode. “But she’s getting rid of him because he’s not as good looking or as rich as the other men are. Stupid.”

Jimin cupped your cheek and nudged you to look up at him. You giggled when Jimin nudged his nose against yours, carefully shutting and placing the laptop on the bedside table with his free hand.

“I agree. A stupid reason to eliminate someone from an obviously scripted TV show.” you rolled your eyes at Jimin’s sass, smiling nonetheless when he placed a gentle kiss on your lips.

“If we were in that position I just wouldn’t leave, I’d stay and fight for you, my love.” Jimin explained with a flourish, pulling you up and onto his lap.

“My hero,” you teased, cupping Jimin’s cheek in turn, pulling him closer.

“I know right,” he hummed with a cheeky smile gracing his lips as he indulged you in the kiss you were craving.

Jimin wrapped his arms around your waist, supporting you as you pushed Jimin back to lay against the pillows completely. He was so warm against you, his lips tasting like the remnants of the coffee he had earlier and the spearmint gum he had to chase the bitter taste away, but you couldn’t imagine a taste any sweeter than Jimin’s. You allowed yourself to relax against Jimin’s chest as he deepened the kiss, allowing his tongue to meet yours as your hands roamed from his cheeks to his shoulders, massaging the tense flesh beneath your fingertips. You hummed in approval when a hand moved up to tug through your hair, a gasp falling between your parted lips when Jimin’s other hand gripped the flesh of your ass, gently squeezing and fondling as his lips moved down your jaw to press hot, wet kisses into the flesh of your neck.

His lips and tongue were so hot against your skin, your light breaths turning into soft moans when he applied more pressure, sucking and nibbling at the base of your throat. You knew he was leaving marks, the possessive man Jimin was. Normally he wouldn’t dare mark your neck, usually he preferred to leave his claims of possession in lower, more hidden places, but you couldn’t care less when his lips felt so good against you. You whimpered softly at the menstruations, pulling on the back of Jimin’s neck to pull him up for another kiss.

Jimin chuckled at your enthusiasm, relishing in the whine you gave him when he moved his lips from your mouth to your ear.

“Do you love me Y/N? Am I the love of your life?” he teased, his fingers moving up from your ass to travel underneath your shirt. You nodded, letting out a shaky gasp when his teeth dragged against the shell of your ear, his hot breath fanning over the abused skin as he took your earlobe between his lips, lightly tonguing at the soft flesh.

“Use your words, princess.”

“I love you, Jimin,” you moaned when Jimin’s hands found your covered breasts, fondling the flesh between his grip as his thumbs traced the top of your chest. “God, you’re the love of my life.” you whimpered as you started to grind into his lap, and Jimin chuckled at the desperate and shaky movements of your hips.

“That’s right, my fucking beautiful slut.” Jimin growled in your ear, making you gasp and whine when his hands moved back to your hips, stopping your gyrating movements.

“So desperate for me, hmm? My needy little girl.” Jimin smirked, letting his lips brush the lightest of kisses against your cheeks. You turned your head, trying to capture his lips with yours but he moved down to your neck again, leaving more blue and purple blossoms in his wake.

“My slut loves me so much, right?”

“Yes,” you moaned, doing your best to move your hips against the growing hardness between Jimin’s legs, but his grip was too strong.

“That’s right princess, because no one loves you as much as me. No one knows your body like I do, and no one can make you feel pleasure like I do. You’re mine.” his voice was raspy and deep and you whined at his words.

“Please, Jimin…”

“What do you want Y/N? Go on, use your big girl words and beg for me.” Jimin smirked against your collarbone, laving his tongue over a very tender bruise.

“Jimin, please, fuck me! Make me yours and only yours, I want to feel every part of you against me, I want to feel all the pleasure that only you can give me.”

Jimin couldn’t resist anymore, pulling you in for a searing kiss. You moaned in relief, eagerly kissing him back with tongue and teeth as he gathered you in his arms and flipped your positions on the bed so that he was the one on top. You ran your fingers through his pink hair as his fingers unbuttoned your night shirt, relishing in the feeling of his touch. Jimin broke the kiss with a soft pop, smirking at the pout in your lips, all swollen and red just for him.

“Take your shirt off slut, I want to see you.” Jimin ordered, sitting back on his heels to take his shirt off too. You threw your shirt aimlessly into another part of the room, watching Jimin with bated breath.

Jimin was breathtaking. His body firm with golden skin stretching over tightly packed muscles. You licked your lips at the sight, wanting nothing more than to have a taste of him on your tongue.

“Can I touch you?” Jimin smirked at your question, purposefully flexing his muscles as he hovered back over you, his hands coming to rest on either side of your face.

“You may.”

You almost cried in relief as you ran your hands across his chest, down his abdomen to thumb at the muscles and smooth lines he worked so hard to achieve.

“You look so beautiful with this color on you princess,” Jimin whispered as his thumbs toyed with the straps of your marron bra. Jimin carefully undid the hooks, pulling the fabric away to reveal your bare breasts to his wandering eyes. You keened when he gripped your breasts between his nimble fingers, moaning as his thumbs played with your nipples until they became hard. Jimin hummed softly when you buried your head into the crook of his neck, leaving your own marks of possession into his skin that he’d wear proudly.

“C’mere.” Jimin pulled you up into a lighter kiss, taking his time as his hands worshiped your breast and as yours explored his abdomen. His fingers moved from your breast to your shorts, gently toying with them before he stood from the bed, admiring how debauched and sultry you looked just from his hands and lips.

“Take them off.”

You followed Jimin’s orders eagerly, a rush of arousal flowing through you as you tossed your shorts and underwear in the same direction as your shirt. Jimin chuckled at your desperation, as he slowly slid off his sweatpants. Your mouth watered at the sight; his dick was so hard and so thick; you felt another rush of arousal drip down your thighs and you knew Jimin saw when you heard him groan hungrily.

Jimin climbed back onto the bed, laying down on his stomach in front of you, his face only inches away from your dripping core. He wrapped his arms around your thighs, pulling you closer to him. His nose ran up and down the inside of your thighs, making you shiver with the feeling of his heat so close to where you wanted him the most.

“So pretty,” his voice was husky and deep and it made you clench in anticipation as you felt yourself become wetter from Jimin’s words alone.

“Fuck, you’re so wet for me. Spread your legs wider for me princess.” Jimin guided your thighs to part even further, exposing every inch of you to his lust-filled eyes and he cursed.

“You’re dripping, you dirty slut. Your cunt is so pretty, so wet and aching to be filled with my cock, hmm?”

“Please, Jimin.” you begged, your stomach clenching and legs trembling.

“Bet I could just slide in, no prep needed. But that wouldn’t be nice of me, would it? You wanted me to give you the pleasure that only I can give you. To feel every part of me against you, to make you mine.” Jimin placed staccato kisses into your thighs, and you moaned when his lips kissed at your folds.

“Jimin, please-” your words were cut off by a whimper when his tongue slowly moved up your labia.

Suddenly, Jimin’s lips were sucking at your clit and you were gone, moaning without restraint as you tugged at Jimin’s locks, urging him to get closer. His tongue was like hot fire against you, burning your skin as he moved between your clit and your dripping hole, building you up with fast and precise strokes to your clit only to bring you back down with the full of his tongue gently gliding through your lips to lap up every drop of your essence.

When Jimin moved back up to your clit after bringing you down for a third time, you shoved him deeper into your pussy, grinding against his tongue as you took what you wanted with broken moans of pleasure falling past your lips. Jimin’s fingers soon joined the mix, one then two slipping in easily as he started a brutal and punishing pace.

“Jimin,” you cried when you felt your release building up in the pit of your stomach, urging him closer as he moaned against your folds. He released your clit with a pop and you cried at the loss of the pleasure, moaning just as quickly when he added a third finger to pound against your g-spot relentlessly.

“What is it? Does my slut want to cum around my fingers?” Jimin’s lips hovered over yours, his eyes staring intensely at the expressions flicking across your face.

“Oh, shit,” you wailed, closing your eyes from the embarrassment at having Jimin look at you so intensely.

“Look at me Y/N.”

Your eyes shot open at the growl in Jimin’s voice, daring not to disobey him at the cost of your orgasm steadily building up. You were horny and so, so close to cumming.

“You want to cum?” Jimin asked mockingly, his thumb flicking over your clit. You were chanting a mindless mess of pleas, begging Jimin to bring you to release.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes. Jimin, please, please let me cum. I want to cum around you so bad.” you cried.

“Who’s making you feel this good?”

“You! You are Jimin, please, please-”

“That’s right, now cum around my fingers, slut.”

And you did, clenching hard around Jimin’s fingers as you cried out his name into the night. The pleasure was blinding and overwhelming, making your body tremble as you rode out your high through Jimin’s relentless pounding, clutching at the bed sheets beneath you as your thighs shook from the pleasure. Jimin removed his fingers from you, humming as he looked at your release dripping off of him, taking his fingers into his mouth and sucking down your taste eagerly.

“There’s a good girl, coming just from my fingers and tongue. You taste so fucking good, so sweet just for me.”

“Jimin,” you whined for him once you saw him sit up. His cock was dripping and red and looked so thick; you wanted nothing more than to feel it pound inside you, so deep. You clenched at the thought alone, and even though Jimin’s fingers were wonderful, you wanted something harder and hotter pounding at you instead.

“Don’t worry princess, I’m far from done with you.” Jimin smirked, his lips and chin shining with your release. He hovered back over you, his thumb gently stroking your cheek as he gave you a sweet kiss. You moaned at the taste of yourself on his lips, wrapping your legs around his waist to pull him closer to you.

“How do you want it princess?” Jimin asked after indulging you in your fill of kisses.

“Wanna be on my hands and knees for you.” you admitted softly. Jimin chuckled and pecked your lips, gently slapping your cheek.

“Then get to it slut.” Jimin’s voice grew hard again and you readily got in position, arching your back and presenting yourself to Jimin’s gaze.

“Mm, you’re so fucking gorgeous.” Jimin planted a harsh slap on your ass, making you moan as he fondled the flesh, soothing the slight burn.

Jimin lined himself up with your entrance, teasingly dragging the head of his cock through your folds before sinking it inside you. You both groaned in unison as Jimin stretched your walls, sliding every inch in until he bottomed out inside you, his hips flush with your ass. He stopped to let you adjust, and you savored the feeling of how thick Jimin felt inside you; how hot and hard he was pressing in all the right places.

“Jimin, please, move.”

That was all Jimin needed before he started moving his hips, pounding your cunt into oblivion. Jimin’s grip was tight on your hips as he fucked you raw, pushing you down into the mattress until your arms gave out. He draped himself across your back, holding your hips up as you moaned wetly into the pillow beneath you. Jimin brought his hand to your hair, pulling your head back up to hear your moans and cries fully, making the most beautiful music to his ears.

“What a good little slut,” Jimin praised. “Letting me fuck you nice and deep and raw.”

“Shit!” you wailed as he pulled your hair, increasing the pace of his thrusts, his dick stretching you out wide and rough, just the way you liked it. “Jimin!”

“God, you’re so tight,” Jimin growled, his hips slamming into the flesh of your ass. “This dripping cunt was made just for me, wasn’t it?”

“Oh, God, please, please-”

“That’s not my name Y/N.” Jimin cooed mockingly, grinding his dick deeper inside of you as his sweaty chest pressed even closer, his hot breath coming out in pants next to your ear. “Who’s making you feel this good?”

“You! Jimin, Jimin, please-” you started to cry, wanting nothing more than to come again.

“You’re doing such a good job coating my cock, slut. So tight and pretty, wanna fill you up until you’re dripping.”

Your pussy clenched around his hot, hard cock. Jimin hissed, increasing the pace of his thrusts.

“I felt that slut, you just got so tight around me. You like the sound of that? Want me to cum in this dirty, greedy pussy of yours?

“Jimin,” you gasped, getting closer to the edge from Jimin’s relentless thrusting. He was going hard enough to hurt, his breaths coming out in harsh pants against your ear only serving to rile you up even more. “Please.”

“Want you to cum around me,” he said, removing his hand from your hair to rub harsh circles over your clit. You wailed into the pillow below, pushing your ass further into the air as you whined. Your second orgasm was rapidly approaching, making your whole body tremble with want and need.

“Need you to cum around me slut, so I can fill you up just the way you like it. Make it nice and messy for you, make sure everyone knows you belong to me. Make sure you feel me dripping from you for days.”

You cried into the sheets, gripping them tightly in your fists as your pussy clenched around Jimin’s dick, pushing you closer and closer until you came with a scream, thrashing around the bed in pleasure. You felt tears coat your cheeks as Jimin’s pace somehow became even harder, pushing you into oversensitivity.

“That’s it, such a good girl for milking this cock, now you’re going to take what I’m going to give you, right?”

You nodded helplessly, trembling under his pounding as you tried to clench around him, to make Jimin feel just as good as he made you feel.

“Fuck, yes, you’re clenching me so tight,” Jimin panted, and you soon felt a warmth spread throughout your pussy, hot and bursting from your seems as Jimin came with a shout of your name, grinding himself into you to prolong his pleasure.

Jimin collapsed on top of you, whispering soft praises and words of encouragement into your ears as he kissed your head. He carefully pulled himself out of you and you both groaned at the loss of warmth.

“Shit Jimin,” you chuckled breathlessly, flipping yourself over to look at the creamy mess between your thighs. “You outdid yourself this time. Holy shit.”

Jimin just giggled at your praise, pressing a kiss on your forehead.

“I’ll be back.” he winked, walking into your adjoining bathroom and returning quickly with a wet cloth. He carefully wiped you clean, humming softly as he did so and blowing you kisses from his pursed lips. He dropped the cloth back off in the bathroom, throwing you a new pair of panties and your sleep shirt as he pulled on his sweats. You put the items on gratefully as Jimin joined you back on the bed, holding you close to his chest as his fingers rubbed your back.

“I love you, Y/N.” Jimin mumbled into your hair.

“I love you too Jimin.” you looked up and frowned at the serious expression on his face. “Are you okay? I was fine, right?”

“Oh princess,” Jimin placed a kiss on your lips and you melted at the contact. “You were amazing. I just want you to know that I do love you very much.”

“Oh,” you hummed softly, placing a kiss on Jimin’s cheek. “I love you too. Very much.” you giggled and Jimin couldn’t help but smile down at you.

“I’m going to head to the bathroom, okay?”

“Alright princess, then cuddles?”

“All the cuddles you could ever want.” you agreed, pecking his lips before heading into the bathroom.

Jimin waited until you shut the door behind you before standing from the bed, moving towards the open window. Jimin opened it just a little wider, breathing in the fresh night air.

“Next time, make yourself less obvious, you fucking pervert.” Jimin watched as Taehyung stood from his hiding spot in the rose bushes, unashamed and debauched under the moonlight.

“Did she…?”

“Do you think we would’ve done all that if she knew we had an audience?” Jimin rolled his eyes.

“Are you going to tell her?” Taehyung asked. Jimin just chuckled.

“I’m not sure, I like seeing you on edge. If you leave her alone, then I won’t.”

“We have a project-”

“I know,” Jimin cut Taehyung off. “After the project, you leave her, you leave us, alone. And your little secret will go down with the both of us to the grave.”

And with that, Jimin shut the window and the curtains, blocking Taehyung’s view to the inside of the room. Taehyung knew then, that he’d have to bring his plan to fruition a little sooner than planned.

~*~

It was Friday night, and you were all alone with Jimin by your side. Jennie and Jisoo were out, and Jimin was surprisingly not cramming for some kind of test, so you both took it upon yourselves to spend a little more quality time together, this time on the living room couch, watching anime on the huge TV the homeowners had left for the housemates. You were both cuddled up, snacks on hand, and everything was perfect.

A knock sounded at the door.

“Do you want me to get it?” Jimin made a move to stand, but you pushed him back down.

“No, you sit. I’ll get the door.” you stood, walking over to the door and opening it with a smile.

You remembered being pulled outside, against the wall of your house as something was pressed against your face. You heard Jimin shouting and an exasperated sigh before everything faded to black, not even remembering falling face first to the ground.

You had never been drunk before, but if you were to guess, this is what a hangover would feel like.

Your head was pounding against your skull, like a migraine that would be impossible to cure. Your face hurt, feeling heavy and weighed down against your head. You didn’t even want to open your eyes in fear of more pain being brought down upon you. But you managed to do it anyways.

This wasn’t your room.

That was your first thought when you sat up, rubbing your heavy and tired eyelids. These weren’t you bed sheets, no matter how comfortable the red gingham was surrounding your entire body. Your eyes looked around the simple room, but you were soon wide awake when you saw what was sitting so blatantly in front of you.

Your face.

More importantly, your pictures, strewn about the navy-blue wall in front of you, arranged in the shape of a heart. The memories came flooding back as your body was thrusted into a state of shock. Jimin’s yelling, being shoved against the side of your house as your eyes met the ones of-

“Angel!”

Your head snapped in the direction of Taehyung’s voice as he entered the bedroom. In his arms was a tray, and he hummed softly as he sat on the corner of the bed, placing the tray right on your lap with a satisfied smile. Chocolate chip waffles, with bacon and hash browns on the side with a glass of apple juice.

“You know my favorite breakfast?” you cringed at how small and broken your voice sounded, and you couldn’t bring yourself to look up at Taehyung’s enthusiastic nod.

“Of course, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t know what my girlfriend loved?”

You stiffened at Taehyung’s words, keeping your eyes trained on your lap, trying to avoid the appetizing food in front of your face.

“I-Is...Jimin-”

“Don’t!” Taehyung growled, and you couldn’t stop the whimper that left your lips. “I don’t want to hear another man’s name coming out of your lips. The only name you should be saying is mine.”

Taehyung shook his head in disappointment, but in the next second he was giggling like a little boy in a candy store.

“You’re going to be the death of me angel, with all the power you have over me.” Taehyung sighed wistfully.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm the shaking in your body and to keep the tears from streaming down your cheeks.

“Is...h-he...okay?”

“He’s alive, don’t worry angel,” a wave of relief rushed over you. You managed to look Taehyung in the eye when you spoke your next words, trying your best to put on a brave face.

“What do you know about me?”

You listened to Taehyung’s rant of love, admitting everything that he knew about you that he found from your social media and your intimate family’s pages as well. And you were scared at how detailed he was, even down to the dates of specific events happening. He went on and on, confessing his sick and obsessed love he had for you. And he did it all with a smile, with adoration overflowing in his eyes. When he finally stopped, after twenty long minutes, you didn’t know what to say or what to do. But Taehyung seemed to know.

Your body was stiff and still when Taehyung moved to sit behind you, his arms wrapping around your waist as his chin fell onto your shoulder. You felt sick to your stomach, and the delicious smells from the food in front of you only worsened your nausea. You almost thought you would throw up when you felt Taehyung sag against you, pressing his chest into your back as he inhaled through his nose, letting out a shaky exhale with each breath he took. He was smelling you. Tears welled up in your eyes as panic overtook your entire body, wanting so bad just to get away, but you were trapped.

“Angel, eat.”

His words were simple, but all you heard was the underlying malice in his voice. You didn’t want to anger Taehyung, so you grabbed the fork with shaky hands, cutting yourself a piece of the waffle and placing it in your mouth. Your shoulders shook with sobs as tears started to stream down your face.

Of course, the food was delicious.

“Shh…” Taehyung whispered into your hair, gently swaying you both side to side as you dropped the fork on the plate with a loud clang. Taehyung pressed a gentle kiss into the side of your head. Though his lips were warm, you felt frozen to the core when you felt his legs wrap around yours, an aching hardness pressing into the small of your back.

“It’s okay, don’t cry. You’re where you belong now Y/N. Now you can finally be loved and worshiped the way you should be, the way you deserve to be.” Taehyung chuckled softly, and it took all your willpower to not move away when Taehyung’s lips brushed your ear. “Because he’ll never love you like I can.”

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writtenbyhappynerds · 4 years

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Unit 3: Face Claims, Please Stop Using Emily Rudd

Ok. So now lets look at face claims. Face claims are a broader topic to character creation and OCs as a whole. I like face claims. They’re great, because they allow you the writer to get in your head what the main character looks like and how they fit in with the cast and the world. I have nothing against face claims, I use them myself because I like to visualize what I’m working with. However, as we’ve seen in Unit 2, it’s on the writer to convey what the character looks like. As we’ve seen in Unit 1, the character should be cohesive with the rules of the universe. Face claims and characterization can apply the first two units very easily.

Reference images are for your eyes only, so that you can see what the character looks like. When describing a character, pull details from your reference image to explain what they look like. You do not have to be overly specific. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a prime example of being overly specific, given the first paragraph of her fanfiction My Immortal is:

“Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eyeshadow.”

Never do this. I will find you and we will have a very nice conversation about how to improve your writing. Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way breaks the three big rules of characterization and character description: She drops the face claim directly in the narrative (Amy Lee, lead singer of Evanescence), she describes every characterizing feature about her (vampire teeth, ebony black hair), and she describes her complete outfit. To give a better standard of describing characters, we are going to fix Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

Young Adult novels very often stick to height, hair color, eye color, and body shape. This is something you as an author should think about, but sticking just to this blueprint can be pretty generic. When you look at other people, those aren’t the only things you notice, right? Those aren’t even things you necessarily need! A big example of going against the grain of the standard is found in The Great Gatsby. Despite having loads of color imagery, we never learn what Daisy’s hair color or eye color is. But somehow, we don’t need them because we are supplemented with, “Her face was sad and lovely with bright things in it. Bright eyes and a bright, passionate mouth.” Fitzgerald focuses on how his characters carry themselves and their facial expressions. These give descriptions of their personalities. When he does describe hair color or eye color, he does it in a way that fits with the style and vibe of his writing, and you as a writer can do the same.

In my own personal opinion, eye color does not need to be described immediately. You can save small descriptions of your characters and sprinkle them in throughout the story, rather than dumping an appearance in one paragraph. In one instance you can describe what a character’s wearing, and in another later on, describe their hair as they pull it away from their face. Describe it as it changes from the normal. Jeremy Scott’s The Ables is a great example of character description and characterization. The main character is blind, which means that the cast gets by on contrasting personalities. We don’t know the ethnicity of many of the characters until we’re halfway through the book, and the main character only learns his basic appearance because it’s been described to him by his parents. Things like eye color and hair color and how tall someone is don’t matter as a whole. What matters is how it can be applied and further the story and the personality of the character. A character having curly brown hair? Don’t necessarily need that. A character who takes the time to curl her brown hair every morning? That tells me something about that character. Small moments, and giving descriptors through details can really help you avoid the paragraph dump.

Character Bios are the bane of my existence. Do not put character bios in the beginning of your fanfiction. All you’re doing is giving me a paragraph I’m not going to read. Character bios are lazy writing. It’s low-hanging fruit to mention them as something to not do. There are so many ways to incorporate detail into a story. By putting in a character bio, you tell the reader that you either: don’t know how to incorporate these facts, are too lazy to incorporate these facts, or don’t care enough about what you’re writing to incorporate this information that we must know immediately about your character. In addition, we don’t need to know your character’s favorite color and the music they like on page one, so why do that to yourself? Not caring about your work can ruin a fanfiction. If you don’t care about what you’re putting out there, how can you expect your audience to care enough to read it.

Another important aspect of characterization is show-don’t-tell. Which we’ve all heard, but I’ve rarely seen it used. When used effectively you can draw the reader in, and allow them to use context clues to draw their own conclusions. A good rule of thumb, and the Show Don’t Tell 101 is that you show emotions, and tell feelings. You don’t need to tell me how the floor swayed under someone’s feet and they felt as if they were underwater. You can just say they felt tired that morning. However you can show emotion, and show the full range of anger and pain when someone’s upset to convey properly how that character is feeling. This is something that requires a light touch. It ties in with context clues and foreshadowing. I shouldn’t know from the third line of dialogue of a Shane Dawson fanfiction that the OC has an eating disorder. I shouldn’t know when exactly two characters are going to end up together, or when two characters are going to split apart. It should come as a surprise. An example I can give is a story I have of two spies who fall in love. From the first chapter, it’s obvious to the reader how this world is a game to them, and how they click and exist on that same wavelength. Chemistry can be obvious. Banter can be a fun way to express chemistry. What wasn’t obvious in this story, was that one of the spies would be killed by his own organization. What wasn’t obvious was how this would shape the other spy, who became the main villain of later works. If you make the narrative obvious I want you to then surprise the reader. Because you yourself will get bored. That’s why you see a lot of fanfics get dropped after three chapters- the writer has it all planned out how something will happen, and this plan becomes boring, but they don’t try to change the plot to make it more exciting. Throw in a wrench. Shoot someone. Spice it up my dudes.

We titled this chapter Please Stop Using Emily Rudd because one, we see Emily Rudd, as well as other girls who will be in an imgur album at the end of this chapter, way too often as the main OCs in fanfiction, and two, they represent a saturation and an insecurity in the market of main characters. We as writers don’t need to rely on these girls, and we actually keyhole and limit ourselves when we stick to stereotypical goth/emo girls (ex: Eugenia Cooney, Aly Antorcha, and Taylor Momsen face claims), or pale girl with dark hair and green eyes (Emily Rudd) same thing different descriptor for Nina Dobrev, or that red haired girl with green eyes who I couldn’t find a name for but she’s in almost every Harry Potter and/or Weasley sibling fanfic so you know who I’m talking about.

These girls should not be the standard of OCs. On top of that, not every OC has to be “strikingly beautiful” some of these OCs are like, 11-12 at the start of the fanfic. It’s ok to not describe how pretty they are. On top of that, not all of the world looks “strikingly beautiful” and that shouldn’t be a character descriptor. When one fanfiction I read had the love interest describe the OC as, “nothing to look at,” they contrasted everything else I’d read before because they made the beauty in that character not about what she looked like but her actions and who she was as a person. She became more beautiful as the fanfiction went on because of her personality, and by the end of it, it made sense that the love interest fell in love with her because he loved her as a person, not as an object. That’s what it boils down to. These girls don’t have to be pretty thin models and celebrities to be good face claims. Spending less time on the appearance, and more time on the personality makes for a character more beautiful and more believable than if you used some model. Don’t feed the manic pixie dream girl trend.

Moving on. Your character should not fill a hole or replace a member of the cast. They should bring a new perspective and add, not take conflict from the original work. For example, if you are writing Harry Potter fanfic, the character should not be composed of all the attitude Harry and Ron didn’t get in the movies. If you write Sherlock fanfiction, the character should not be the voice of reason to apologize for Sherlock’s antics while still doing the same things as him. In my own Psycho-Pass fanfiction, my character should not be a manifestation of Shogo Makishima’s soul. All these things do are fill holes in the story without adding to the narrative. If they were removed the story wouldn’t know they’re gone. If you can add conflict or alternative plots to the narrative, making the characters and the cast go through something they didn’t go through otherwise, you make the OC matter more. There used to be a beautiful Harry Potter fanfic that got deleted, where the OC went on full fledged adventures without the cast. She did her own thing, hanging out in the Harry Potter universe. This fanfic worked because the OC was the star of her own narrative. She wasn’t hanging on to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco. They did their thing, and she did hers. It made for a great fanfic that I’m very sad to have seen the end of. Try and give your character something to do that doesn’t involve the cast. Think of it like fanfiction’s version of the Bechdel Test: Can your OC go through a chapter of fanfiction without relying on the cast.

Let’s revisit our darling, dearest, dead, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Ravenway. Using what we’ve discussed in the previous paragraphs, I am going to attempt to fix the introduction given by our dear Enoby in Chapter One of My Immortal. Pray for me.

By Year 7 at Hogwarts, I had given up on the uniform. I’ve been at this school for too long to keep wearing the same damn thing, and as soon as I’m done I can bow out of button-ups and itchy sweaters. Professor McGonagall had a fit when I walked in last year with purple and red streaks in my hair. I smile as I imagine her face when she sees my miniskirt and corset. I sloughed in front of my mirror, carefully winging out my eyeliner and dabbling my lids with red eyeshadow. I popped on a black lip, blew myself a kiss, and felt stupid for doing so.

McGonagall didn’t even let me make the Great Hall. She marched me back, and forced me to change into the school uniform. I added pink fishnets and combat boots, and rolled my skirt up before heading back down to the Great Hall. My classmates gave me a wide berth. As I walked past a cluster of Slytherins I could hear them whisper.

“Fangy bitch.”

“Say that again?” I said setting my sights on them. “Do you really want to insult me now? I haven’t even had breakfast yet, though I could make an exception.” They scurried off. I flipped them the bird as they went, and carried on downstairs. Remus Lupin was the best thing to ever happen to this school. Yeah, he was a werewolf, but I felt a little less alone. At least there was more than one monster running around here.

Next week we will be discussing names. Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way will make a return, as well as some other names that are uncomfortable and cringy to read. This is your warning now, that in 2 weeks we will have our first exam for Fanfiction 101. I did say in the introduction that there would be an exam, and it’s on its way. We will give you more information next week when we see you to discuss Nameberry.com.

Supplemental Instruction: The aforementioned imgur album of overused face claims and OCs. Think of this like a newly minted banned book list.

https://imgur.com/gallery/SpIGZhF

#ff101 #fanfic #fanfiction101 #writing #fandom #Harry Potter #DC #Marvel #Victorious #Addams Family #Supernatural #Twilight #Sherlock #Original Works #OC #percy jackon and the olympians #Percy Jackson #Avengers #self-insert

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stinky-and-the-pain · 4 years

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& then there was one

my parents finished renovating our house my freshman year of high school. i was 14 and finally had my own room...a place i didn’t have to share with my 11 year old brother or my 3 year old sister. i painted it green & a couple of months later painted a tree on one wall and filled the branches with lord of the rings quotes. it was my sanctuary.

my grandma gifted me my first laptop around the same time. she won it in a company sweepstakes and gave it to me because she had one already. it was the coolest thing. we had a family computer in the office (nee playroom) that i had played both sims 2 and 3 on. but now i could take the sims to my room!

amongst other things.

i played skyrim religiously after my brother got bored of the xbox, as he was also gifted a playstation 4 along with GTA V. i also adored several creators on youtube, at that time a bastion of comedic skits and random tangential clips lasting no more than 6 minutes or so. i felt deeply invested in the community -- not so much with fellow audience members but with the youtubers themselves; as if these videos were a two-way conversation. shane dawson led to desandnate led to smosh led to kalel cullen led tobuscus led to pewdiepie led to cryaotic, etc., etc. they were great!

forget the boy bands of the 90s and early 2000s....which youtuber did you want to date? SMASH + fuck, marry, kill in the back of the chilly and damp bus driving home from a scholastic bowl meet. my heart ached for these people. they appealed so deeply to me and i fell madly in love with them all. and i wasn’t alone; we all fell in love.

i’m not sure how i found out about omegle. at a slumber party or birthday, someone pulled out their laptop & we could see and chat with strangers. live. no supervision. we were...14? 15? had to be 14 because i succinctly remember laughing a while later when i told a grown man i wasn’t 18 but actually 14 after he had finished for me. all while sitting in my new green bedroom.

for the longest damn time i thought i had an extremely average adolescence. i was lauded as independent and mature, and took pride in that. maturity meant i was better but also inherently prepared for what life was throwing at me. plus independence meant that i could effectively do whatever i pleased. and to that extent, i never attended a party (though i did sneak over to a boy’s house when i said i was going to a friends’ but that was later figured out and actually excused) but i pursued other exploits.

another piece of the puzzle is that youtube around 2010 appealed to people exactly my age. and was simultaneously extremely sexual. the mass cancellation of shane dawson is ultimately rooted in his behavior around this time. and this behavior was broadcast to us, 12-14 years old, which signaled to us what could be deemed appropriate. queue me believing that men around the ages of 19-25 could find me, a barely there 14 year old, attractive. and boy did i run with that.

i spent immeasurable time on omegle. it was thrilling, especially when men’s faces would light up as my video appeared. “finally, a real person and not just a dick!” i remember one, zach herzog (sp?). he was so kind, introducing me to imgur which rounded out my early internet diet. he had a girlfriend but at one point admitted to me that she was not as pretty as i was. we would message on kik for hours. he graduated college a year after we met (my junior year of high school). jake was around that time too. but honestly jake was special in that we met through omegle chat (no video). and we actually chatted for about 3 years, at one time making sure to watch the weekly game of thrones episode (freshly downloaded off pirate bay) together and discussing what went down afterwards. after we skyped with video on, we slowly stopped communicating.

another, stephen i believe. he was from the UK and i only remember that because of his accent and that i had him say my (fake) name multiple times. i never once used my real name nor talked aloud to these men. always text. but does that matter? over skype, he would send videos of himself jacking off...which would have been pleasant save for the fact he liked smacking his penis near the end and i couldn’t take that seriously.

the first man i reciprocated for -- that is, i obliged requests to show parts of my body -- was sam. i don’t remember anything too striking about him save he did his business to me while we were still on omegle (only strange because the fashion then was to move to somewhere more ‘private’ and stable like kik or skype) and then promptly ghosted me. somewhere in my hs junior year planner, there are notes to sam asking him if he would ever come back.

then senior year. so stressed with college applications (i applied to one school) i spent most of my time in my bedroom alone, indulging in a healthy diet of top gear and youtube, by this point dominated by cryaotic and pewdiepie. but i always had time for my dear favorite, capndesdes (of desandnate fame who later made his own solo channel where he published several q&a’s and apartment vlogs). october 2013 and i was wearing his blue ‘crescent moon face’ shirt (referencing the photo booth video). i met Anthony, Mike, and David on omegle. i immediately picked out Anthony and sure enough he was interested. him being in a group, i knew we wouldn’t be doing anything that night but the video chat was fun. the connection even died at one point but we got back in contact as i had shared my twitter (and my real name, though for months he believed my fake name was my middle name because i felt bad telling the truth). i guess i should’ve known this time was different when he insisted on skying the next morning before i went to work. i felt embarrassed for how i looked but he said i looked beautiful. and was so earnest i had to believe him.

we skyped everyday. every day. essentially right as i got home from school because that’s conveniently when he got off work. oh and i eventually had to admit that my microphone was not in fact broken. we played minecraft and gta on the xbox. he said he planned to visit me one day. but that’s absurd, right? i would laugh and say ‘you’re too much.’

he visited november 9 2013. drove all the way up. i was at my friend’s birthday party. we had just woken up and he revealed he was in our town. i gave him directions to the park so we could meet. i remember running to him from my car, friends sitting in the back seat. we walked about two miles around the park, chatting. he was even more beautiful in person. the sight of the freckles on his nose are still so vivid. even after all these years remembering, my naiveté still strikes me. a day later, he asked me to be my girlfriend as we walked to his car after dinner. i said yes, that i would do him the honor of making him the happiest man on earth. a day later, he took (but i also gave) away my virginity. he met my friends and then we said goodbye on a rainy and cold afternoon. i still sometimes smell the sweet mustiness of that room.

a handful of memories that are still striking after 7 years:

washing the strawberry lube off myself in my parent’s bathroom, praying they did not ask why i had spent the last 5 afternoons and evenings staying so late at a friend’s house; forcing myself to connect to Lorde’s music after he said he enjoyed her first album; saying that thin mints were my favorite after he admitted to buying too many; taking my adventure time backpack to the hotel room and filling out my cheatsheet for my physics test the next day while he watched and eventually rolled me over to kiss me; feeling too insecure to lead him around town so instead opted to stay silent as he chose what to have for dinner; eating at my favorite local mexican restaurant after losing my virginity; showing my friends the pictures we had taken in the hotel room and them losing their minds.

after he left, i was devastated. and essentially remained devastated for the next 7 months. i cried the morning after he left, while driving to work and listening to ribs.

there’ll be more, when i have strength.

#omegle #youtube #grooming

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courtneyyharper · 4 years

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10 Christmas Gifts ‘for her’ if you’re completely clueless

Since it's apparently time to start thinking about that time of year I thought I'd jump on and attempt to give you some help in an attempt to spark some ideas. Whether you're using this list for ideas for your other half, your mum or sister, or even if you are that person that likes something on this list why don't you send it over as a wee hint... the irony of this is that I've banned my boyfriend from looking at this list as there's a few spoilers on here for his gifts! (Hope he enjoys a wee eyeshadow palette😬).

So let’s start...

1. AIRPODS

I'm sure this will be a big gift this year and a perfect gift if you know they'll be getting a new phone or laptop! Perfect for a music lover or just the person that always needs to have the next big thing! I'd recommend planning to get a pair of these bad boys from Amazon or Currys during the Black Friday sale.

2. STUDIO LIGHT

A gift my mum got me unexpectedly a few years back and I haven't looked back. Not just for the MUA or photography student in your life but even just for every day make up application and I know my friends always use mine for checking their outfits or taking selfies before a night out! I've shown in the product photo how you can get a full sized one or a desk sized one easily on Amazon, your choice. Along this line would also be a Hollywood mirror, the big vanity mirrors with the bright lights installed but they can be hard to source as they're so popular and you need to make sure they're the bright studio lights. Top tip would just be to check the dimensions so you know what you're getting.

3. POLAROID CAMERA

I wanna say this is a cult favourite. I don't know many girls who don't have one of these now but if your gift recipient is one of them then it'd be a great gift! They're a great idea for Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries because it means you can capture the memories and of course ironically take a photo of the polaroid with your phone and post it to Instagram!! They come in a variety of colours and you can purchase accessories and refillable polaroid packs for other special occasions after, making it the gift that keeps on giving.

4. VINYL PLAYERS

Another gift that keeps on giving. If they're a real music lover and always have Spotify going in their room, and with the lack of concerts this year, this would be a very thoughtful gift. You can get these lads pretty cheap on Amazon or fork out for the pricey ones from UO. The only downside is that the actual Vinyl records themselves is where this gifts will cost you the most, but at least you'll always have an idea for next years present.

5. FOREVER ROSES

Now these guys can be quite boujee and I remember them being really popular a few years ago. If you type 'forever roses' into google or, probably better yet, Instagram you'll get a lot of companies selling gift sets of these specially preserved roses that can last for years. An incredibly romantic and surprising gift, this one can cost you big bucks but if you shop around enough you can get single roses for around £20 or major bunches for a few hundred but it's sure to win you major brownie points.

6. LUSH

This is the standard gift and perfect for a Christmas Eve bath. If you couldn't come up with this present on your own then please pay close attention to this blog because oh buddy you will need it! There are so many gift boxes to choose from at Lush and the great thing is you can't go wrong with any of them. Not to worry if you don't have a bath too because I also have you covered with these Lush sprays which are sooo good that you won't need to work out what their favourite perfume is for the third year in a row. (Also a great brand to support for its morals which is a bonus!!)

7. BLANKETS

Not only perfect for those cosy Winter and lockdown nights but also a great home decor item that is so popular on Instagram! These massive knit blankets can get incredibly pricey online, ranging from 20ish quid for a tiny one to a few hundred for the massive ones, so if you're willing to pay that then go ahead but top tip is to have a look in Home Bargains because they had these guys in all year for £25 and even Primark Home had a few in recently but I'd get ahead of the game for this one before they sell out...

8. JEWELLERY

Now I'm not a massive jewellery fan myself but some girls just go ga-ga for a princess ring. If you're wondering if your girlfriend/sister/daughter is one of them you can identify these people by their less-than-subtle 'just gonna post this here xx' social media posts sharing the Pandora sales. I know most boys get scared to choose jewellery in case the person 'doesn't like it' blah blah but chances are unless they've told you somethng they specifically want or you've been missing some massive hints (ie. ring photos 'accidentally' sent to you) then they'll appreciate literally anything you choose. It's the idea you've went and chosen something specifically for them more than the item itself that matters. If you like it, they'll like it more. The big site is Pandora and many sites like it will have 'Christmas Gift Guide' sections to make it super easy for you. Top tip: you could do a wee price low-high if this is just an add-on gift and although it's horrible to say they will most likely look it up and check how much you spent on it... sorry about that!

9. EYESHADOW PALETTE

Now this is one you will most likely skip over because it feels like delving into a massive jungle with no map and no water and actually no shoes and no clue whatsoever of where to start. That's what boys feel like trying to buy girls make up and I really can't blame you. In fact, if you haven't been told exactly what to buy then who could blame you but if you're really looking to impress and go the extra mile and know they like make up then I'm going to attempt to help you as best I can and try and keep it really simple! So, first of all you'll need to somehow have a look at their collection when they're getting ready or be super stealthy and just double check they don't have the palette you're going to get them.

This is important. Right, so question one is do they watch YouTubers do make up? Because if they do then simply find out who they watch and check if that influencer has a palette or collab with a makeup brand because then your job is done for you!! If they've told you all about the James Charles/Tatti/Jefree Starr drama that encapsulated YouTube in the past then find out who's side they support because all three of those guys have palettes! James Charles x Morphe Artistry palette, Tatti has her own brand, or if they came out supporting Jeffree Starr and Shane Dawson in the whole fiasco then the Jeffree Starr 'Conspiracy palette' is for you. To each their own. These two main palettes I've featured on the left below for you to have a look at.

The top right palette is the new HUDA Beauty Naughty Nude palette and it's the one I'd go for if you're really unsure still! It's a new release so doubtful they have it and there's no crazy colours so can be used by everyone. It would be my top recommendation for make up this Christmas.

The three below that are all YouTuber/Influencer collabs with makeup brands that have been pretty popular this year. From the left: BPerfect x Stacey Marie Carnival III Love Tahiti Palette is one to get if you know they love doing colourful and adventurous looks, middle: Carli Bybel Palette x Anastasia Beverly Hills and far right: BPerfect x Jah Makeup Artist Clientele Palette are both perfect for more simple looks or if they don't go wild with colour and are both from big brands so will be very much appreciated!

God, this really could have been its own post where I explained it a bit better but alas...

10. HAIR CURLERS/WAVER

Maybe they're not as into makeup and prefer hair, or maybe they just love both? Then a Beauty Works hair styler would be a boujee gift for them. So, for this you can do the standard version of the products (gold) or you can do the newer versions in the collab with Molly Mae (pink). It's up to you. These products are pricey but great quality. First is the hair curler (Professional styler) which is great if both you and they love their hair curly, and you can't go wrong with Molly Mae's signature bouncy curls. The second option is a new trend in hair his year, The Waver, which creates the mermaid waves that I've pictured Molly Mae wearing below (and yes boys they’re different than curls) and a great gift if they already have the curler. Top tip: is to get these lads while ASOS have 20% off because you're grabbing yourself a bargain or if you're really on a budget many brands do these products without the hefty price tag.

BONUS: GIFT ADVENT CALENDER

This year there is a major boom in the idea of gift advent calendars, so behind every door is a small gift instead of chocolate. Now what would be super adorable is to buy advent boxes online and fill them yourself with personalised gifts but luckily many brands have brought out their own versions! The best one I have saw so far this year is this PrettyLittleThing beauty calendar but it has been sold out for some time now! ASOS etc. are doing their own versions and there have even been adorable versions in the likes of HomeBargains and B&Ms where you can get candle or even alcohol versions.

Well, I hope this helped even a little bit! If you're really on the ball you'll have noticed I haven't included anything like the staple Primark pyjamas or everything seems catered towards girlfriends or 'for her' but not to worry I've many more versions planned, including 'for him', 'on a budget', and 'how to dress up your present'!

Happy (very early) Christmas!🎁🎄

#giftguide #gifts for men #gifts for her #christmas gift #Christmas #presents

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

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Survey #235

“the monster you made is wearing the crown; i’ll be the king and you be the clown.”

What is your favorite move franchise? The Lion King. What was the last fast food you ate? I had a hot dog from Sonic and one of those pretzel twists things. What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Do you prefer heroes or villains? Villains. Duh. They're like, always more interesting. What is something you think is overrated? Uhhh coffee, for one. But like what you like. What political cause are you most passionate about? Gay rights. What country would you most like to visit? South Africa. Have you ever considered having children? Literally the only period where I wanted kids was later into Jason's and my relationship. Hell, I wanted three while he was always like "onLY TWO." Now, I don't want a single one, ever. I would be an awful mother for many reasons. If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? The zoo with Dad, my then-best friend, and her mom. One and only time I've seen meerkats. I was so excited I almost cried. Do you have any weird family traditions? It's not like, a tradition, I think, but we have a unique thing where saying "I love you mostest period" is something Mom, Dad, and my sisters have used for all my life. It's a way of saying "I love you more than you could ever love me, no arguments." Now Sara's been dragged into it lmao. Have you ever considered acting? Nope. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? You can't "be in love" with a person and fucking cheat on them, no. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? We have Netflix. Idk about anything else. Have you ever been in a physical fight? No. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I don't even wanna know. Did you ever get lost as a child? Yep, in a Wal-Mart lmao. This old lady helped me find my fam. What is your favorite condiment? Honey mustard. Or ketchup. Depends. Have you ever had an existential crisis? Very surprisingly, not really. Do you like country music? Begone, demon. It's still so weird to me that I loved it as a kid, but I really just grew up with it. What color are the eyes of the person you love? Brown. What is your favorite kind of flower? I looooove orchids. What town were you born in? Not the best thing to share on the Internet, eh? Do you know how to play any card games? I only vaguely understood/understand Magic: The Gathering. It's honestly really fun, but very complex in rules. It was Jason's thing so he got me into it. I miss my PS3 working because I used to have the "Duels of the Planeswalkers" on there, and doing it digitally is much easier and helpful. I loved it mostly because the art is fucking incredible. It was an old little aspiration to wind up designing the art some day and I don't think I ever saw Jason more excited. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Being more into video games than I am now alskdjf;awe. I'm more of a viewer of let's plays now than an active gamer; meanwhile, as a kid, video games were my favorite things in the world. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? Yeah, I had one. Honestly though I can barely remember it (other than the song on my page was "Pocketful of Sunshime" lmaooooo as well meerkat-flooded), so it doesn't matter. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Meerkat Manor is my favorite show of all time, but as a proper show could have been better. AP made up their own shit and deviated from the KMP facts A LOT (guess what: Mozart killed a competitor's litter before; not exactly MM's her, right?), and not only was that confusing, but just annoying. Give me the real shit; don't just tweak stuff for dramatic effect. I could list a novel of lies in the series. Now, what I feel is the best show without a meerkat bias and just has an overall good plot. I kinda wanna say Supernatural, but the boys dying five million times got old. Possibly Fullmetal Alchemist. Are there any songs you can’t listen to because they bring back memories? I 110% refuse to hear "Stairway to Heaven." Have you ever saved someone’s life? Funny this is brought up after recent events. My sweetheart online bud had a cerebral aneurysm while having an extremely difficult time talking to me, and no one was home quite yet. Her final message was concerning and she didn't reply to me for a while, so I wound up messaging her again after a bit, and her boyfriend heard the b.net notification sound. Saw it was me and asked what was up. Told him, and he figured out she wasn't sleeping on the couch, she was passed out. He told me he never would have known if I hadn't said something. So does that count, even though I didn't like, physically save her? Have you ever broken any major bones? No. Are there any websites you’ve used for over 10 years? Good question? Idk. WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP, KM's 10th birthday is coming up real soon. Wow. I know YouTube has been much longer. Idr when I joined deviantART. Maybe there's more, I dunno. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? My two immediate are 22 (ew) and 26 (double ew). Anything exciting taking place today? No, today was A N X I E T Y !! ! ! !! !! What are you craving? Okay so I have been MEGA in "the mood" lately and it's frustrating especially because I don't masturbate so I have like nO OUTLET. Who did you last hit? Nobody saving for when I was a kid repeatedly slapped my sister's arm for doing something I don't remember. How do you do in school? It depends on the subject, but in anything, I am a MASSIVE procrastinator, and I need to fix that. Schoolwork, good good, homework in the library, good good, but when I'm at home, I cannot seem to convince myself to work. As Sara puts it, home is like my "safe" place, and I don't want to bring school into it. Adjusting to school life again after like... two whole years or so of doing NOTHING at all, almost every day all day, is very difficult. I'm SO glad I picked school again, it's just a lot for a person who was so isolated and void of responsibilities to get used to. What’s your biggest goal? Right now, continue to improve my mental health. Fight social anxiety and AvPD. Who have you texted today? Just Sara. Who do you aspire to be like when you grow up? In most ways, especially in kindness, wisdom, relentless determination, passion, creativity, etc. etc. etc. etc., Mark. I think it's obvious he's Role-Model #1. I would loooove to be like Jane Goddall and Steve Irwin, too, feeling with such ferocious potency for animals and how they should be respected and loved. UM AND ALSO, EUGENIA COONEY IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN EARTH AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FRIENDLY AND PRECIOUS AS SHE IS. Oh, and then there's Shane Dawson. I relate to him SO much. He is the most selfless angel that seems SO down-to-earth and relatable as hell. I feel like he could be like, my best friend. Ahhhhhhh there are so many more, I love talking about my inspirations, but I'll chill here. Do you know if you want to go to college or not? I'm in college right now, and I desperately want it to stay that way. I'm fucking going somewhere in my life, and the education it provides will bring me closer to that. College is far from mandatory for everyone, but I feel it is beneficial for me. Do you like grapefruits? I haven't had one in a LONG time, so I don't really remember how they taste. I just know sour. What do you think of guys who wear eyeliner? *drools in Darkiplier* the fuck do you think Do you like online games? Only World of Warcraft, really. Who’s one person you care about more than yourself? Okay, real talk, and I hope this is everybody's answer. No one. I'm putting my goddamn self and my mental peace first for the rest of my life. Are there any pets you’re wishing for? I want another ball python. When’s the last time you used hand sanitizer? Two days ago when Mom and I stopped somewhere to eat. Wearing anything that isn’t yours? No. What type of bread did you use on the last sandwich you made? White. How many doors are in your house? Uhhh six. What was the last compliment you received, that made you smile? Sara said she was really proud of me, and to me, that's one of the biggest compliments you CAN give me. Think you need to lose weight? How much? ugh When was the last time you watched a VHS movie? I don't have a clue. We kept our VHS longer than most, though. We had too many movies on it. What event would you go back in time to see, if you could? Ummmm I dunno. Do you remember the last thing you said you wanted? To hug Sara. Who was the last friend you hung out with&what’d you do together? Sara stayed for a week. We did a lot. Who is the person, other than a spouse, that you are closest to? Sara. If you watched it, who was your favorite Hey Arnold! character? Oh my god, I hated that stupid show, but one of my sisters liked it. Have any good school pictures? or do they all just suck? There is literally ONE picture from elementary school where I think I looked pretty. Do you like trying on clothes or not? & Why? NO. I try to avoid it if I can. It's just annoying to change clothes for like five seconds. What are your thoughts on marriage? It's sweet, but I've come to find it... kinda needless for the most part? Like I know it has financial pluses and the symbolism is beautiful, but it's just that: symbolism originating from fantasies (imo, don't scream at me). It only adds pressure to stay in a dying relationship and makes splitting much more complicated. BUT, even with all that said, I personally want to get married someday, but only if I am *sure* about this person. It's the symbolism I like. That and it's so ingrained into my head that that's the "end goal" of relationships, so I'm pretty much just conditioned to want it. How long have you lived in the current place you’re living? Two years. Do you plan on moving anytime soon, if so where? I want to, but I am not in the financial position or at a level of independence where I'm ready for that. Are you more of a follower, or a leader? Be honest. This may alter with the situation, but mostly, I'm definitely a follower. Are your dreams/nightmares in black&white or color? I've heard of this condition before and it really intrigues me. I dream in color. Have you ever wanted to be some sort of hero outside of video games? I mean, define "hero." Like an action superhero in a literal way, nooooo. I'd die on Day #1, lmao. As a hero/inspiration as a person, of course; who doesn't? Will you admit that you’re at least somewhat superficial? I mean, probably in some places? How often do you go to the mall closest to you? Almost never ever. Our mall sucks and has experienced too many shootings. Do you still count with your fingers, even if only every so often? Yep. Like, always. Have you ever gone on a road trip with just friends? No. Well, I went to the beach with my friend and her mom, but just for a day or two because my separation anxiety from Mom got too bad oof. Without trying, do you act differently around different friends? Depends on the friend. I don't "fake it," just how reserved I am can move around. What was the last thing you drew/wrote on your own or someone else's skin? Probably a butterfly on my wrists when I was actively part of the Butterfly Project community. The last time you spent money, what was it on & how much did you spend? $1.25 for a drink at school. What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one piece of clothing? Idk, but definitely not a lot. In elementary school, were you more of the bully or the bullied? Thankfully, neither. Do you like when a spouse is clingy, or can you not stand that? I'm sure to a certain degree it would be annoying, but for the most part, hell, I think it's attractive. Especially since I NEED validation you like me. How much do you say you walk in a week outside of school &/or work? Just around my house if you exclude school. Is there anything you wish your parents did differently in raising you? I wish they'd given us chores. Wish Mom didn't spank us. What would you do if the last person you texted asked you out? Lol yo we JUST broke up like an hour ago. We're not ready to get back together yet, obviously. Don't worry a bit, we're both cool. Still best friends, even. To compress a long story, needed personal growth and distance have brought us to returning to just friends. For now, at least. Have you ever received a scholarship? I think so... but not like a huge one, I believe. Who was the last person who got frustrated with you? Most likely Mom. When was the last time you mopped your kitchen floor? I myself have never mopped it. Or maybe once. What is your favorite work of art? I mentioned the Denialism painting in my last survey. What was the last appointment or plan you had to cancel? Plan, my next one with my psychiatrist. What spur-of-the-moment decision that you’ve made has had the biggest impact on your life? I don't know if any have truly changed my life. The ones that did (that I remember) were pondered over. Do you know anyone who is (or has been) a refugee? I don't think so, What is your best friend’s worst habit? She doesn't have faith in herself for ANYTHING lj;ljalwie Do you like spinach and artichoke dip? alksd;fjwei no Have you ever felt like you were about to pass out, but didn’t? Yep, a couple times. What was the name of one of your childhood imaginary friends? I didn't have any. What’s your favorite phase of the moon? Full. Do you wish you were richer? I physically refuse to be anything less than stable, hopefully even above that, once I'm independent. We've been poor all my life and it is fuck-ing HARD. It's stressful as a motherfucker and I am done with it. Very. What’s a middle name you like? Quinn. Fits a lot. I planned on giving that middle name to my hypothetical daughter. Are you scared of spiders? y e a h Do you weigh the same as your mom? No. Were you a Mary-Kate and Ashley fan? Like the average 90s/early 2000s kid. Coffee mugs, teacups, or water bottles? Uh, aesthetically? Teacups, probably. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Gum. I like the taste and texture of cotton candy, it is just RIDICULOUSLY sweet. It bothers my sensitive teeth sometimes. Do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles or cups? Cans. They get the coldest. Game you were best at in P.E./gym? Idk, I didn't excel at any. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I'll typically just have a meal replacement shake or a Pop-Tart. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws (gotta be red). Favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? My flip-flops, 'cuz they're easy to just slip on. Ideal weather? Cool but not windy (a light breeze is fine) with a partly-cloudy sky. Obsession from childhood? Webkinz. Favorite crystal? Dragon's breath opal. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Swim or stay the fuck inside. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Taking pictures in the snow. Five songs to describe you? "Get Up" by Mother Mother, "That's What You Get" by Paramore, uhhh... I don't feel like thinking over this any longer. My iPod isn't near me to scan through what I have, so yeah. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's have deep philosophical talks about like the meaning of life 'n shit. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh my god, this is impossible. To name some that come to mind first, in no order: "It's Wednesday, m'dudes *insert mating call*", "I cOUld'vE dROPPED My croiSSANt," "this is why mom doesn't FUCKING LOVE YOU," that one at a club where a girl is doing smoke tricks and the dude just goes "check that out" (or "wow," idr) or something similar (I couldn't find it), and omfg I adore that Snoop Dogg one with the little boy just semi-dancing to that iconic song???? I LOVE IT??????? Man, there are so so many more. Very honorable mention: "a d a m". Ads you have stuck in your head? None, thankfully. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Uhhh maybe Happy Bunny? Idk. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite type of cheese? American. What saying or quote do you live by? There's a lot I've picked up on and cling to. #1 is perhaps "Deal with life, or life deals with you." What are you currently stressed about? Some... things I realized about myself that disgust me. Favorite fairy tale? Shrek is a goddamn fairy tale and I will fight to the death against anyone who claims otherwise. Favorite tradition? I don't really have one anymore, but I remember as a kid, I would NEVER let Mom forget to throw some "reindeer food" outside for them lol. Talent you’re proud of having? One that warrants pride, exactly? Not just random talents? Well, uhhh. I suppose writing. I mean it modestly, I really do, but as a kid, my teachers all the way through high school always thought I was cheating or a parent did my papers at home. Some were only convinced by me writing in the classroom. I don't feel as good about my writing as I did in high school, but I am sill proud of excelling in it and taking writing anywhere seriously. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? I mean, name the game and genre here. Probably like "what the fuck" at like, everything, because I already do that. If you were an anime character, what genre of anime would it be? Like, based on my current life? I dunno. A sad and repetitive one with some bright days to it. Ohhh, and the color scheme and lighting vary with my mental state. Yo that would be dope. Character you relate to? lmao THRALL from WoW for being like "can y'all bastards just chill tf out" until he goes off to an isolated land away from civilization bc he's seen enough shit. Also compelled to help. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? As far as consistent flavors go, normally cherry or grape. Left or right handed? I'm a righty. Favorite potato food? Fries, when I wish they weren't. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Literally just Mom's. Not even mine.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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isnotys · 5 years

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Seamless Part 5: The Finale

Summary: After being Shane Dawson’s assistant for a year, things couldn’t have been going better. However, Shane had other plans. He has decided that your next move is to jump headfirst into your true passion and with some unexpected partners.

Warnings: None

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Inspiration for the name of this series

*Two weeks after the New Years Party*

The clock strikes 7 am and I am abruptly awakened by Shane. He never comes into my room, so I think this is an emergency and we might have to evacuate the house.

“Y/N! Wake up, sunshine!,” He yells excitedly and I can barely open my eyes because of the light coming through the windows.

“It’s too bright and too early for this, Shane. Who died? Did you get canceled again? I’ll write the press release don’t worry.” I say standing from the bed looking for my computer. He motions for me to stay where I am and I look out the window. It’s a perfect blue sky day and I can see Ryland playing with the dogs outside while Morgan bathes in the sun by the pool. And by bathing, I mean wearing her usual sweatshirt and sweatpants, but with her feet submerged in the pool.

“You are so negative!” he snorts, “I need you to get ready and meet me downstairs in an hour.”

“We don’t have anything scheduled for today, Shane. What is going on?”

He smiles, “We have an important meeting today at 9am.” He gets up from the bed while I am still trying to process what’s happening. Suddenly, he turns to me before reaching the door and says, “wear something cute!” Then he leaves the room quickly.

I have absolutely no idea what is going on, but there is no reason for me to think something bad is going to happen. I am trying to stay positive, that is one of my resolutions for the new year. Well, that and getting my shit together. But hey, one thing at a time, right?

I am sure that Shane is most likely taking me to Jeffree’s so we can work on some video ideas and marketing strategies for the new march launch. Say what you will about Jeffree, but no matter what he is going through, he is hustling through it.

I make my way downstairs and Shane orders an Uber.

“Are we going by ourselves? Where’s Andrew?” I ask.

He puts on his backpack and fixes his jacket then answers, “He’ll meet us there. No more questions, y/n!,” he yells jokingly.

We get in the car and I am now convinced that we aren't going to Jeffree’s. In fact, we arrive at Shane’s office and Morgan’s former apartment. It’s almost 9am and it’s a chilly morning for LA. I try not to worry about what is going on, but Shane is rarely ever this secretive. Plus, we haven't even been to this place in months, there’s definitely something going on here.

I don’t understand what we are doing here and after walking into the apartment, I notice Andrew is nowhere to be seen. This apartment feels as creepy and as haunted as ever. It also smells a little funky, I think Garrett might have left something in the refrigerator again and it’s definitely rotten.

“Go into the meeting room, I’ll meet you there in a bit. I have to go get the door,” he says motioning that I go up the stairs.

I calm down a little, that must mean Andrew is here and we are most likely going to brainstorm some ideas for new videos.

As I settle down, I hear more than two sets of footsteps going up the stairs. Then, the door opens and I finally see them. The meetings is with none other than the Dolan Twins.

“Good morning,” Grayson says as Ethan smiles avoiding eye contact with me.

“I brought you all here together today,” Shane breathes in deeply and continues, “to make sure that the negotiations go smoothly. He says and they all join me at the table that is in the middle of the room. Unlike the rest of the apartment, this room has great windows that make it seem less like a dungeon.

“I don’t understand, Shane,” I say as calmly as possible even though my heart hit the ground floor of this building. I was afraid he was going to fire me, it’s not like he really needs an assistant that much, but why would he invite the twins for it? I pretend to seem ok, but I am so deeply hurt that Shane would just end our partnership like that, it is so embarrassing.

“Let me explain, y/n” Ethan starts, “Back when we met up with Shane at his house, the day we met you, to discuss our next move he recommended that we started working with you because you are such a great writer and a great addition to the team -,”

“So you became “friends” with me to make sure I wouldn't say no to working for you?” I say catching my breath, not letting him finish the sentence, I really want to run out of this room. “You could’ve just said so, Shane. That you didn't want me to work for you anymore. I would've just moved back to NYC.” Shane just sits there perplexed, as if I was speaking another language.

“I told you both that she was going to get the wrong idea, we should've just told her from the beginning,” Grayson snaps at Shane and Ethan.

“You’re not working for us, you are working with us, y/n. We absolutely loved your script and we want to produce it,” Ethan says softly looking at me and going to grab my hands as if to comfort me.

My heart feels like it stopped for a full minute, “You let them read my script, Shane?” I say finally losing it and I jerk away from Ethan and towards Shane. “That copy was for you, and you only!” A feeling of anger overtakes me, I feel betrayed. If only he’d asked, if only they would’ve told me about all this. And here I thought the twins wanted to actually be my friends.

“We are the ones who wanted to read it, the plot was interesting, it’s really good, y/n” Ethan assures, stopping Shane from even saying a word.

“For the record, I wanted to tell you from the beginning. To avoid exactly this, you thinking we are using you to help our careers,” Grayson almost whispers, brown eyes never leaving mine and I just want to drop down to the floor and cry.

“So you just pretended to be my friends instead,” I say holding back the tears.

“We never, ever pretended to be your friends,” Grayson emphasizes.

“The only reason we didn't tell you about Shane’s idea was so we could have a real friendship and then see if the whole partnership would actually work,” Ethan interrupts Grayson.

“We wanted this to be real, not just about business. We have had issues before, so it was easier to just connect without any pressure,” Grayson continues.

“Yes, we’re only doing this because we felt like we’ve known you forever and we want to help you tell the story you’ve written and have you as a partner in our production company,” Ethan says.

“But only if you want to, if you don't want to work with us or even talk to us again, that’s ok. Just please understand that it was never our intention to use you. We wanted to be your friends and if that worked out, it would lead the way to us working together,” Grayson reassures me and grabs my shoulders. My head is spinning and I don’t even know what to think anymore.

“We do really believe in you and think that you are a very talented writer,” Ethan says putting his arm around my shoulder.

“I thought you wanted to get rid of me,” I say looking at Shane, “And that you guys just wanted me to be your stepping stone for the next chapter,” I say looking at Ethan and then at Grayson.

“That was never the intention, y/n. You’re like a daughter to me,” Shane says and I run to hug him tightly.

“I am sorry for overreacting guys, there is nothing I’d love more than to be able to make the story I wrote into a movie with you,” I say trying to keep my tears from falling. I’m such an emo baby.

“Don’t worry, we get it and probably would've done the same thing. You can't trust just anyone in this city, but you can trust us,” Grayson smiles.

“We’re with you ‘till the end,” Ethan says and they both hug me. Somehow, it feels like I am finally where I belong.

I am scared, but I know this is the start of something wonderful. There was one thing better than welcoming the decade with the people you most admire after all, and that is getting to work alongside them.

The End

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quinlinkin · 5 years

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take it from me ( i’d be lost without you ) ↳ Q’s twdg writing challenge

character(s): mitch, louis ship(s): louitch ( louis/mitch ) word count: 1749 author’s note: ahhhhh, so i finally fell behind. but hopefully only for these couple of days! either way, this fic is based around a short louitch comic i started making in xnalara a couple of months ago that i never ended up finishing. though i do hope to get it done soon, esp if this ship starts to make some traction?? who knowssss

have a lil preview of that comic anyway!!

[ ao3 link ]

*credits to the wonderful @stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale for creating this challenge! you can view the entire prompt list + further details here. happy writing!!

― ☼ ―

day fourteen ; night sky.

“Makes you feel small, huh?”

“Hmm…?”

“Like… the universe. When you really think about it, we’re just so- insignificant. A puny, meaningless speck that doesn’t keep everything else from existing. It wouldn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things if we all disappeared one day.”

Pulling his gaze away from the blanket of stars above them, Mitch quirks an eyebrow at Louis. It’s become somewhat of a routine for them to find themselves right here, seated upon the roof of Mitch’s house as they stargaze and talk endlessly. They’ve occasionally even stayed put long enough for the sun to begin to rise, peeking over the horizon as a startling reminder for Louis that he needs to get home before his parents wake up and realize he isn’t where he’s supposed to be.

A crooked grin starts to tug at his lips, and he can’t help but to lightly tease, “Jesus… Deep, much? Y’know, I think you’d better quit that damn drama class before it’s too late, it’s obviously starting to get to your head.”

Louis rolls his eyes and scoffs, yet the unmistakable signs of his own subtle grin are plainly visible in the moonlight. “I’m just saying. When you put things into perspective, it’s pretty wild to think about.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Mitch shrugs, green eyes flicking back up to the inky black sky. Truth be told, he hasn’t spent a lot of time contemplating their existence like Louis apparently has. It didn’t really matter to him.

Except for aliens, of course. Aliens were real, the government are hiding the truth, and he’ll gladly fight anyone who tries to disagree.

“Well… What do you think, then?” Louis asks after a beat of silence.

Again, Mitch gives an offhanded shrug. “I dunno. Not much, I guess.”

He can feel Louis’ eyes on him without having to look. It makes his skin crawl, his cheeks tingle.

“No opinions on life beyond earth? No theories about our existence? Figured you’d be all about the conspiracy theory life.”

“I ain’t Shane Dawson.”

Louis laughs. “No, you’re definitely not.”

Mitch gives a breathy chuckle of his own, his elbows shifting against the shingles. “Yeah, I mean- conspiracies are fun to think about. But I wouldn’t go as far as… whatever all that was that came outta your mouth just now.”

“What, you didn’t like my awesomely philosophical speech?” Louis retorts. Mitch can hear the smirk present in his airy tone. “I should be offended.”

Mitch is forced to redirect his attention back to Louis’ face, where sure enough, that classic Louise-esque smirk is spread across it. His eyes linger for longer than intended. “I think you’re better off leaving all that shit to Aasim.”

With another brief, joined laugh, they both turn their attention back to the sky. It’s not uncommon for them to fall into comfortable silence, simply enjoying each other’s company. Sometimes, Mitch will light up a cigarette that Louis always decline to share. Other times, they’ll take turns with a bottle of alcohol snagged from his father’s liquor cabinet until their heads are warmly fuzzy and boundaries become just a little bit thinner.

Tonight, however, there’s nothing but the two of them, no distractions or obligations to be anywhere other than right here.

It’s also not uncommon for Mitch’s mind to wander during these bouts of silence. He wishes he only held positive thoughts for this odd, indescribable bond that’s formed between him and Louis.

He’s unable to understand why Louis would ever want to show up whenever Mitch decides to text him late at night, why he ever gives him the time of day or humors him when they have just about nothing in common. While it’s no exaggeration that Mitch could produce quite the lengthy list of reasons why Louis is so great and interesting, he’s yet to find a single reason why the opposite would prove to be true.

Mitch glances at Louis while his focus is directed above them. There’s a gentle smile on his face, his expression blissful and carefree. He looks positively at peace, and Mitch doesn’t get why.

He suddenly feels guilty. He’d called him out of bed at nearly two in the morning, after all, and while Mitch never dares to admit whenever there’s an underlying problem that prompts him to want Louis’ company, he suspects that Louis already knows.

Louis makes him feel better, plain and simple. Perhaps it’s his shining personality or his positive way of thinking, though whatever the true reason, Mitch never fails to feel his mood lifting from as early on as seeing Louis typing back a message despite immediately regretting sending his own in the first place.

“You don’t have to be here, y’know,” he suddenly tells him. Out of context, it’s entirely unprompted, yet in Mitch’s mind, they’re words that have to be spoken.

Louis immediately turns his head to look at him, his brows pulled together with a keen mixture of confusion and compassion. It’s more than enough for Mitch to be quickly looking away, that too-sincere expression tugging at his heart in a way that makes him feel queasy.

“I know,” Louis speaks quietly, steadily. Careful, as if saying the wrong thing will cause Mitch to freeze up and bolt. It wouldn’t be the first time. “But… I want to.”

The outward confession instinctively draws Mitch’s eyes back to his face, just for a second, before he’s forcing them away again. His eyebrows furrow, searching for words well beyond his grasp to say.

Naturally, Louis picks up on his uneasy silence. “Do… you not want me here?”

“What?” Mitch’s head snaps back towards him, eyes slightly rounded before he’s firmly shaking his head. “No, I - of course I do.”

While he hadn’t quite expected Louis’ response, he supposes he should have. With his standoffish, blunt nature, he can only imagine that he must come off as disinterested in Louis’ company from time to time. He curses his unapproachable demeanor, wishes it wasn’t so difficult for him to open up.

Apparently, Louis decides to push things a little further. Mitch doesn’t blame him for wanting answers, though once again, he’s no longer able to look at him as his expression grows more sympathetic. His voice is incredibly timid when he speaks up, and Mitch feels even worse.

“Then… why say that?”

Mitch sighs. “Ah… I dunno, I just- most people wouldn’t want to, I guess. Most people… wouldn’t care.”

He can feel Louis shifting closer, trying to crane his neck in order to meet his eye.

It doesn’t work until he speaks again, barely above a whisper. “Well… I do. I care.”

Mitch simply can’t control the troubled look that crosses over his face, displaying his every conflicted emotion and his perplexed thought for Louis to see despite the fact he doesn’t want him to.

There’s nothing he can do to stop himself from asking, “But… why? ”

Louis instantly falls quiet. For a moment, Mitch regrets asking, assumes that there’s nothing that Louis has to offer in response to his question. Of course there isn’t, his mind bitterly taunts. He only said he cares to make you feel better.

He’s proven entirely wrong in the next second.

“Because…” he starts, seeming to choose his words very carefully until they’re spilling freely from his mouth. “You’re worth so much more than you think you are. Yeah, you’re a little devious, and yeah, you’ve got this whole ‘tough guy’ act nailed down. But under all that, you… you have a good heart, Mitch. I can see it all the time. Even if you don’t.”

Mitch blanks. There’s nothing that could ever describe the whirlwind of emotions that instantly overtakes him, no amount of understanding that could hope to make sense of it all. Impossibly, he feels gut-wrenching sadness and heartwarming inspiration at exactly the same time, a melting pot of conflicting feelings coexisting with each other, relentlessly battling for the top spot within his mind.

Ultimately, sheer disbelief wins.

“I… think you give me way too much credit…” he mumbles, a rather pathetic reply to Louis’ meaningful expression of his self worth.

Louis doesn’t miss a beat. “Maybe you just don’t give yourself enough.”

Mitch can feel Louis’ eyes practically boring holes into his skin as he grows distressingly silent once again, their shoulders brushing in a way that has him tensing up despite himself. Yet as undeterred as ever, Louis is piping up again before he knows it.

“I see you for who you really are. Whether you like it or not.”

There’s no denying the phrase sums everything up better that Mitch could ever express, himself. Yet he’s unable to think about it for much longer after those words are spoken, for in another, completely unexpected turn of events, Mitch can feel Louis shifting even closer.

A brief pause ensues, before Louis is leaning in the rest of the way. He kisses Mitch’s cheek, and Mitch is blown away how such as simple action can bring forth such an intense response. His heart ricochets inside his chest, his thoughts all but exploding inside his head. He can’t think, can’t speak, can’t breathe.

Then, he’s turning to gawk at Louis as if he’s grown at least five extra heads. Louis bears a similar expression, seemingly shocked at himself, leaving them both staring at one another like two deer within the glow of the same headlights.

“I - I’m sorry, I-”

Maybe it’s instinct. Maybe the rapidly multiplying emotions within him take over, blinding him and masking all the rational common sense he already lacks.

Whatever the reason, there’s no stopping himself, no controlling his own actions. He doesn’t care if Louis regrets it, if he’s apologizing because he didn’t mean to.

Mitch closes the distance between them again, and kisses him.

Louis freezes, but for only a second. Mitch thinks that same emotionally fueled instinct must be taking over him, too, for faster than his mind can process, they’re quite literally kissing each other senseless. It feels as if a slowly cracking dam between them has finally broken, and with it, everything comes effectively pouring out.

He doesn’t know how long the kiss lasts. All concept of time becomes lost upon him, and the only thing that eventually separates them is the burning need for oxygen.

And, as they pull away, in some cheesy, embarrassingly cliche passing thought, Mitch swears the stars above Louis’ dazed, smiling face shine brighter than they ever have before.

#twdgdrabblechallenge #twdg #twdg mitch #twdg louis #twdg louitch #louitch #Q writes

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tervacious · 5 years

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Since Everything is a Feminist Dissertation Imma blog about Shane Dawson’s palette for a minute

Nine times out of ten when you make a statement and end it with BUT, you have outted yourself as a hypocritical ass who should have the ovarios to say what follows the BUT without the opening statement. Maybe this will be true for me too.

In agreement with most radfems I totally think the cosmetics industry is a clusterfuck of male entitlement and wealth being siphoned away from girls and women to men and male CEOs, etc etc, and I also think the sheer amount of product and time involved in placing thirty-five different products on one’s face to achieve a “natural” look is insidious and a perfect exemplar of what misogyny functions like on a daily basis, BUT

I’m a survivor of an extreme fundie xtian cult that controlled female behavior by emphasizing conformity, femininity, modesty, and lack of adornment/personality. I did not like this even as a small child because I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel. Which means I was a totally normal little girl who didn’t like being controlled and who fought back at every opportunity.

Which might explain why I’m a goth. I’m also an artist, and I’m on this planet, as are you, for a very tiny amount of time, and if I want to spend a fraction of that time adorning myself and wearing lots of black eyeliner, by the goddess I’ll fucking do it. And there’s nothing radical or feminist about that, any more than there’s anything inherently radical or feminist about not doing it.

I have a single small dresser drawer filled with makeup, and I’ve been eyeballing it recently because I should really pitch out and replace about 80% of it for age related reasons alone.

And thus we come to the Conspiracy palette by Shane Dawson x Jeffree Star, and also the mini palette, Lorde help me

Jesus christ, look at that.

I only buy one eyeshadow palette at a time and use it until it is gone or falls apart into dust. The current state of the beauty industry is such that they are pressuring women and girls into buying palette after palette, some of them enormous, some small, but a grown-ass woman owning stacks of these things is not unusual anymore. And new ones are coming out constantly-- to the point where there’s a whole part of beauty YouTube devoted to “the anti-haul”, in which people announce which makeup thing they will NOT be buying. This is a sorry state of affairs, there’s no way around it.

I don’t collect makeup because that’s silly. It’s a huge waste of money. I watch otherwise sensible women hoarding vast numbers of eyeshadow palettes, and they use only one or two colors and that’s... just sad? Apply that to the vast quantities of makeup products, to your lipsticks and glosses, to your pencils and correctors and corrector palettes and concealers and blushes and highlighters and contours and powders and foundations and primers and mattifiers and setting sprays and mascaras and a bunch of others things I forget, add a pile of false eyelashes and I don’t know, eyebrow merkins or some shit, and that’s what a well-appointed makeup afficionado is supposed to have in her arsenal. And all those things can’t be just one-- you have to have multiples, for reasons. But I honestly think the eyeshadow obsession is the worst, which is strange coming from me, because I adore eyeshadow.

And yet in spite of this I have a black stand-alone eyeshadow pan, and one large palette that is cheap, made in China, not great but with a lot of weird colors in it, so I use that one when I bother, and a few pots of glitter. My plan is to use it up or wait until it’s too old to use safely, and then pitch it/repurpose the case for something (it is literally the size of a laptop with a huge mirror in it so I can think of something), and get a new palette. I only buy one at a time, and use it until it’s gone. You know, like a rational person.

At first I’d decided when the time comes I’d get the Jawbreaker palette and mini, by Jeffree Star, because I loved the colors, but now I’ve changed my mind, because Shane Dawson’s not only has a case that matches my aesthetic, it also has awesome colors and, most importantly, BLACK. I use black eyeshadow alone or to set my eyeliner, so I’m devoted. And while all of these palettes have too many neutrals for my taste you can always use those for some kinda detail, and the Conspiracy Palette is my jam. It’s really gorgeous. Not gonna lie.

The documentary he made about the making of this palette is interesting on multiple levels-- there’s the process itself, which I didn’t know shit about until now. There was the portrayal of his relationship with Jeffree, which was interesting and often pretty funny, and touching. And from my chronic can’t stop writing feminist dissertations POV, the way women are the target of this business and yet completely sidelined was a real eyeopener. Let me just mention this one part:

In the final episode when the palette is assembled, each pan glued into the box and then the box boxed up, there’s a song with a woman singing about how she’ll never be Prom Queen. Shane is walking through the assembly line, emotional, because this is his project coming to fruition. Jeffree is with him, and Shane starts crying, and Jeffree comforts him. The song is clearly meant to be something Shane feels.

But the scene is of dozens of women, none of whom will be prom queen, none of whom are about to make millions of dollars on cosmetics, in white coats and hair protectors and goggles, busily assembling a beautiful object, which one suspects only a few of them will be able to afford for themselves though I can’t swear to that, it’s possible they are paid well, the place is unusual, Jeffree makes all his product in the United States, and I’m not inclined to jump to conclusions. But they are anonymously and busily working, putting together this thing, meant for women, and no woman really had any functional input into this project at all. This was, as everyone was joking, Shane and Jeffree’s baby. A baby. You know, the thing a man can never have.

I appreciate film making that reveals truth, even if it wasn’t intentional.

So other than that there’s not much to say. You can watch the epic thing yourself on YouTube, it was entertaining (and good for me because I need to opt out of some of the heavier shit I’m always buried in, yet one more reason I fucking QUIT MY JOB and am now FREE,) but if you want a look into the way the business works on the indy end of the spectrum, not the old timey Cosmetics Corporations but the new one that Jeffree Star basically spearheaded and upturned large chunks of the old business model, I think this documentary is a good one for understanding exactly how marginalized women remain in a business that ostensibly is directed at us.

The reason I think women like watching men like Jeffree and Shane and whoever else do these things is because it aids and abets the lie that wearing makeup is all a choice women make. The men are choosing, because men have zero pressure on them to do these things. Women are taught to have affinity with men and to ignore their lack of affinity with us. These bits of entertainment are a great brainwashing reinforcing device, to get us along for the ride, to hop in the car we never ever get to drive. And none of it is intentional, which is the best part. As smart as Shane is, the joy of being male is you just take things, casually, as your birthright. You’re totally entitled to make a nine-hour epic following your friends and family, unapologetically, put it on the internet, and get accolades, including the one I’m writing right now. You’re entitled to dictate the facts as if they contain a great truth. You can be totally unaware of the impact your decisions have for the greater bad. You can think you’re helping your sister-in-law through her crisis created by the very culture you are responsible for while mocking the women she blames for making her feel bad. This set of films is a monolithic treat for a radical woman to confront. And I hope, since there’s truth hidden in plain sight throughout, that a lot of other women and girls will see it too. Will notice the few females scattered throughout the film, consulted in the most cursory way, knowing they have to perform or they’re replaceable. I’m an Old, and used to seeing the real world, which has looked like this all my life. I don’t know what a fifteen year-old will see.

Tati Westbrook also released a new eyeshadow palette last week I think, and since people think if she puts out a forty-five minute video she’s talking too much, she naturally did not film a massive docudrama showcasing her Eyeshadow Palette Journey or whatever I could imagine her saying. Thus she was very much overshadowed by something that won’t appear for sale until tomorrow. I have no doubt she’ll do well, but will she make twenty million dollars? Will she do as well as she could have if she were a man?

Should anyone, off of what is essentially bullshit? Pretty, gorgeous bullshit? Of course not. That’s the actual feminist conclusion, it doesn’t matter if a male or a female is profitting off of, essentially, the insecurities and desires for cool new things and to be hip and liked and looked up to, which all of us have to some extent in some arena. I’m not immune to it either, ain’t lying again. It’s always an unseemly pleasure to have someone half my age ask me what I’m wearing and where I got it. Capitalism has conditioned all of us to associate material things with social acceptance and admiration, and if you are a materialist person like I am, that association comes very easily.

Anyway, that’s it, that’s the bit. I have no doubt this thing will sell out in approximately two hours, which will happen without me because my old eyeshadow palette still works.

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hazyheel · 5 years

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WWE Smackdown Live 8/20/19 Review

Randy Orton promo: he called Kofi Kingston a coward for getting himself counted out in their match at Summerslam. He continuously called him stupid, over and over again. As he was finishing up, the New Day music hit, and Kingston ran in and attacked from behind with a Trouble in Paradise. He was going to try to destroy his ankle with a chair, but the Revival ran down to make the save. So, Kingston just beat them with a chair for their trouble.

Grade: C+. Short and mildly sweet. Orton cut a pretty good promo, with a lot of fire, but ultimately it didn’t add much to the story. The attack was nice and made sense. But the story didn’t really need this promo, unless Orton is going to constantly call Kingston stupid from now on.

Kevin Owens & Shane McMahon backstage: the two talked about Owens’ fine from last week. Owens said that he wasn’t there to cause trouble, and he asked Shane to reconsider the fine. Shane actually said that he would consider it. I wasn’t a huge fan of this, because Owens wasn’t the badass son of a bitch that he usually is. It makes sense that he would do this, but it wasn’t very cool, if I’m being frank.

Andrade vs. Apollo Crews in the first round of the 2019 King of the Ring: Zelina Vega was in Andrade’s corner. Crews started the match with a huge lariat right at the bell, but only getting a near fall. Andrade responded with the running double knees for a near fall of his own. Crews tried to fight back, but Andrade tied him up in the ropes with an armbar. Andrade then tried to hit some high flying offense, but Crews caught him with a dropkick. The story of this match seemed to be that Crews new exactly what Andrade would throw at him, as he was constantly able to counter his moves. Crews hit a nice combination of strikes, followed by an olympic slam for a near fall. As Andrade went to the top, Crews hit a huge ensiguri, and went for a gorilla press, but his arm gave out. From there, Crews went for some sort of move, but Vega grabbed his leg for the distraction. Andrade then hit the back elbow and the Hammerlock DDT for the win.

Grade: B+. Really good stuff here, both guys gave this match everything they had, and for such a short match, they pulled it off. They had a fast paced contest that was very exciting. They also told a good story of Crews being able to best Andrade at every turn, only for the interference of Vega to be the deciding factor. This could be the penultimate point in their feud, but due to the interference, I think they have one more match in them.

Daniel Bryan and Rowan backstage: the two led a figure with his head covered into an empty room. They said that they will reveal what he did tonight. So that is presumably the culprit.

Elias backstage: he was just walking around playing guitar, when he grabbed a random dude and unzipped his jacket, revealing a referee’s shirt. He then found Drake Maverick in a box nearby. He then beat Maverick up a little bit, and told him that the 24/7 championship rules were suspended for the night. He then put him back in the box and left. That is incredibly annoying and a great heel move.

Moment of Bliss: Alexa Bliss hosted alongside NIkki Cross. Bliss talked about how they were humble champions, saying that her show would be for the less fortunate people who don’t have belts. Charlotte Flair was welcomed as their guest. Charlotte said that the King of the Ring throne was more like her type of chair, which Bliss largely ignored. Charlotte said that she took the torch from Trish Stratus at Summerslam, and proved that she is the queen of all eras. She then talked about Bayley, saying that she the face of the brand over the champion. She called Bayley an afterthought, which brought Bayley out with them. She said that Charlotte was just making excuses. She said that she was better than Charlotte, and Charlotte responded that her match with Stratus at Summerslam was what people were talking about. She then challenged Bayley for the Smackdown Women’s Championship at Clash of Champions, which Bayley accepted. Bayley then pushed Charlotte out of her chair and the two left.

Grade: B-. Charlotte’s promo skills are awesome, and she made some really good points about why she should be the next contender. Should be a really good match, and one that I’m unsure of who the winner will be.

Buddy Murphy Backstage: Roman Reigns came up to him, and asked him about who attacked him. Murphy said he was pretty sure that it was Rowan, but he didn’t know for sure. Reigns said that if he was lying again, he would kick Murphy’s ass.

Buddy Murphy vs. Daniel Bryan: Rowan was in Bryan’s corner. Before the match, Bryan got on the mic and insulted Murphy for not being certain whether or not Rowan was the attacker. Then he confirmed that they will reveal the culprit, and said that Murphy had something to do with it too. The match started and Murphy took Bryan’s head off with a high knee for a near fall. The two then had a match that was full of stiff strikes and kicks the entire time. At one point, Murphy gave Bryan a huge meteora off the top for a near fall. Bryan then locked in a Lebell lock on Murphy, tying him up in a similar manner to Zack Sabre Jr, just pulling all of his limbs as far away from the ropes as he could. Bryan then gave Murphy the Yes kicks, but as he went for the final kick, Murphy dodged it and hit a hook kick. So then Bryan put Murphy in the tree of woe, giving him a series of kicks and a low dropkick to the face. He followed it up with a back drop superplex for a near fall. Bryan tried for another superplex, but Murphy slid out of it and hit cheeky nandos kicks, and then a powerbomb out of the corner for a near fall. The two then traded blows over and over again in the middle, both hitting huge combinations that ended with a pair of knees and a brainbuster from Murphy, but Bryan got his foot on the ropes. Rowan hopped up on the apron, which distracted Murphy enough to net a rollup. Murphy kicked out and gave Rowan a superkick. Bryan rolled him up again, but Murphy kicked out again, delivered a huge knee and then Murphy’s law for the huge upset.

After the match, someone tried to interview Buddy Murphy, but Rowan attacked and gave him the iron claw backstage.

Grade: A. This was a pay per view match that they held on smackdown. The action was incredibly exciting and the hits were very very hard. They kicked the living crap out of each other. Murphy had back to back great matches in two weeks, so they better give him a push out of this. He is a great talent, and probably a future WWE champion if they put faith in him. He is a top star, and they need to see that in him. A huge win, and a good way to forward his feud with Bryan and Rowan. I don’t know how much longer it will continue, but I am really into it.

Heavy Machinery vs. The Revival: both Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson had taped up ribs for this match, due to Kingston’s attack earlier in the night. Before the match, the Revival got on the mic and called the New Day cowards. They insulted Big E and Xavier Woods for the attack from Raw. They then issued a challenge for the Smackdown Tag Team Championships at Clash of Champions. Heavy Machinery then came out to interrupt. Otis started out with Wilder. The faces worked over the heels’ ribs, and gave them stereo vertical suplexes to start things off. Also during this match, commentary coined the team name of the Revival and Randy Orton as #FTRKO. If only they would tell us what #FTR means (Fuck the Revival). We saw some nice hot tags from Otis and Tucker alike. The finish kinda came out of nowhere, as Dawson ran interference on the compactor, so Tucker took him down with a Thesz press, only for Wilder to run up to him and get him in a pinning predicament for the win.

Grade: C+. Fine match, nothing really of note here. Nice to see some other tag teams be represented.

Chad Gable interview: He mostly talked about how he was an underdog, but the story here was the Shelton Benjamin, his super weird opponent for the King of the Ring first round match, was doing stuff in the background. First, he just gave him a weird look, but then he put a sign on his door that said “you must be this tall to be in the king of the ring tournament.” Weird to make this the story when the two are literally former tag team partners. Shelton will probably win their match, and given his weird promos lately, he might actually win.

Miz TV: Sami Zayn was the guest for the show this time around. Zayn immediately crapped all over the show, so Miz pointed out that he has done nothing but lose lately. Zayn said that while that was true, he realized that he needs to help other people rather than try to attain success. So, he decided to start managing, and his first client is Shinsuke Nakamura. So I guess Nakamura has a mouthpiece now, which he definitely needed. Miz asked why Nakamura would need Zayn if he is already champion, but Zayn responded by saying that he is needed because of the language barrier. He said that Nakamura is a poet, and it kills him inside that he can express himself. So Zayn will help him with that. Miz refused to listen to Zayn, so Nakamura kicked him in the head and nailed a Kinshasa. He continued to stomp on him in the corner until Zayn pulled him away, and nailed another after the fact.

Grade: B-. Fine segment and an interesting new pairing. Zayn hasn’t been doing much of anything lately, so this is a fine role for him. Nakamura did need a mouthpiece, and Zayn is great at that. This could be a fun pairing, but we will have to wait and see how good it is.

Shane McMahon and Kevin Owens backstage again: Shane told Owens to apologize for attacking a WWE official, Elias at Summerslam. He also said that if he ever did it again, then he would be fired. Owens tried to shake his hand, but Shane refused.

Elias vs. Kevin Owens in the first round of the 2019 King of the Ring: the two started out with some of their usual offense, some striking mostly. Owens started to fire up a bit after some of Elias’s signatures, hitting a German suplex and a canonball for a near fall. Shane McMahon then came out so that he could watch from ringside. Elias still took control and maintained it throughout the match. At one point, Owens was looking for a Vader Bomb, but Elias caught him in an Electric Chair, and then spun him around into a powerbomb for a near fall. The tow then battled on the top rope until Elias fell off, but he still managed to get the knees up before a Swanton Bomb. The two then brawled to the outside, where Shane told him to leave Elias on the outside, and took off his shirt to reveal a referee’s shirt. He then replaced the ref and fast counted Owens during a role up for the win.

Grade: C. I bumped this up a bit because of the Shane stuff. He is being a good heel right now, and it was a creative ending to a mini story that had permeated the whole show. A lot of people don’t really like when stuff is overbooked, but I kinda do. Makes things interesting when done right, and this was. It was a good heel move, and it rose hostilities between Shane and Owens again. The match was pretty bleh though. Elias is probably out of the tournament next round.

Whodunnit reveal: Reigns joined Bryan and Rowan backstage for the reveal of his attacker, and it turned out to be a dead ringer for Rowan. What the flying fuck? W-why? Where is this going? Who is he? I have so many questions, and I am pretty confused.

Overall Grade: B-

Pros: Andrade vs. Crews; Murphy vs. Bryan; Zayn as a manager

Cons: main event; whodunnit reveal

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dwayners13 · 6 years

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Onision vs. Shane Dawson: Who’s the Real ‘Beta’ Male?

Sorry Gregory, but if you think challenging Shane Dawson to a boxing match, then repeatedly punching yourself in the head (with boxing gloves on) & calling Shane a “beta”, somehow makes YOU look like an ‘alpha male’ . . . well, you're even more out of touch with reality than we thought.

It's interesting that of ALL the people you've had ‘beef, drama & conflict’ with over the years, the only person you challenge to a boxing match just happens to be one of the last people who would ever accept that challenge. Shane would never agree to a boxing match, it's just not in his nature, but you knew that Greg, in fact that's exactly why you did it. You knew it was safe to challenge Shane to a boxing match, even going as far as saying you wouldn't wear headgear & would fight with one hand behind your back, as there was ABSOLUTELY NO RISK that you'd go through with it. This is a well know common ‘cowardly bully’ tactic. To me, you're no different than ‘that kid’ in grade school who would only pick fights with kids he knew couldn't or wouldn't fight back, yet stayed FAR away from people who could & would fight back.

This isn't anything new for you Greg, you've been doing this kind of stuff for years. You've repeatedly took advantage of your relatively large YouTube/social media following & used it as a weapon against your ex girlfriends, making several videos & posts disclosing extremely personal information about them, as well as making allegations & generally insulting/degrading them. All the while knowing that they couldn't defend themselves equally, simply because they didn't have anywhere near the internet following you did, In fact, the only ex girlfriend you DIDN’T go after just happened to be the one ex girlfriend who did have a YouTube/social media following relatively equal to your own & thus she could not only respond & defend herself, she could've ‘fought back’ just as hard, if not harder, so you left her alone. You didn't even mention her name until she had been off the internet for a significant amount of time & the possibility of her speaking out, let alone hearing about it, was minimal at best.

Combine this with the fact that the only people who were willing to stay in a relationship with you longer than a month or two, were a couple of 17 year old fans (at least one of which was a originally a fan of Shane’s), & we start to see just how ‘alpha’ you really are.

So ask yourself Greg, do these sound like the actions of an actual “DOMinant alpha-male” or do they sound like someone who DESPERATELY wants to feel like & be perceived as a dominant alpha-male. I know you're not the sharpest tool in the shed & self-awareness isn't your thing, but I think even you can figure out the answer to this. (And no Greg, your partner(s) letting you be ‘the dom’ during ‘role-playing’ doesn't count, that’s only ‘make believe’).

And as far as you calling Shane a ‘beta’, even though I’m not a huge Shane Dawson fan, there are certain things that can't be denied. Shane has reached a level of success on YouTube that most YouTubers can only dream of & he’s been doing it since the platform was in it's infancy. His comedy sketch channels were so popular & admired, a lot of YouTubers openly talked about wanting to collaborate with him, including yourself, in fact a considerable portion of your initial success came from Shane's success & help. Shane’s success & appeal is also partially responsible for your current marriage, as your partner only became aware of you due to them being a huge fan of Shane, even admitting that they had a crush on him first, which would mean you were (at best) their 2nd choice. (Who knows, if Shane was attracted to 17 year olds & lived in a state where that relationship wasn't considered a sexual offence against a minor, things might be different). Finally, while a lot of Youtuber’s who started off at the same time as Shane have fallen by the wayside, he was able to overcome the challenges, adapt to them & use his talent to ensure he continued to be successful.

As for you? Well, your channels are dying or already dead, as you simply gave up on the new ones. Your response to the decline of your YouTube career was making a series of ‘poor me’ videos, giving a ‘first world’ sob story about how you didn't think you could ‘survive’ on your new income, despite claiming you were still making as much as your fan’s ‘fathers’, yet asking these kids to donate to your Patreon account &/or pay for your YouTube channel. As usual, you complained that YouTube wasn't being fair to you, just like when you had tax problems & complained the IRS wasn't being fair to you, just like when you were in the military & complained that the military wasn't be fair to you & just like you've done with your recent legal troubles, complaining that the county isn't being fair to you. Hell, you even blamed the teenage girl you encourage your partner to date, but then tried to have a threesome with, gave a massage to & claimed to love (all during the 2nd time you met her) for almost ruining your marriage.

So Gregory, ask yourself, “who sounds like the ‘beta’ now”? Is it Shane, the guy who’s not only been able to maintain a considerable amount of success on YouTube, but who also helped you gain the success you once had . . . or you, the guy who constantly claims to be a victim & has difficulty maintaining relationships with people his own age.

Don’t take this too hard Greg, after all, you & your partner(s) can alway role play you being a ‘DOMinant Alpha Male’. Sure, it’s only ‘make believe’, but what other options do you have?

#onision #shane dawson

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spoonzdotjpeg · 5 years

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1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40, >:((

this is exactly what i was expecting. HERE WE GO I GUESS

1. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them? Jeremiah. He was my closest friend when we were both like 5 and I always had the best time with him. The next person I had a crush on was Matthew, he was the cutest boy in Kindergarten and just looking at him made me smile. We also shared the same tae kwan do class.

2. What is one thing you regret having done or not done in your life? Um, I don’t think my list of regrets is really big. I can’t really think of anything super prominent. Maybe trying so hard to fit into a crowd that wasn’t meant for me back in middle school. That haunts me.

3. Which parent do you identify with the most? My dad, hands down.

4. What do you think you cook or bake the best? I make some killer scrambled eggies. And if my mom guided me, I could make some good flan.

5. If you could change your first name what would it be? Ooh boy, there’s a LOT of names I really like. LOVE the name Jack and Leonidas though Leonidas feels too badass for me. I’ve tried getting my friends to call me Lee, that’s my middle name.

6. Can you hula hoop? Maybe 2 loops

7. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Stuttering

8. Have you considered running for president? I was an avid candidate in first grade.

9. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Art, it’s my greatest expression and I’m already passionate about. I wish I was passionate about the acting side of art, but my anxiety and stage fright over shadows it far too much.

10. Who are you most envious of—real or fictional—and why? Always been mad jelly of Beast Boy because I always wanted to be a dog and not a kid with responsiblities, I also always wanted to fly. His voice and the little fang poking out was always so freaking cute to me. And Jeffree Star. Gosh, did you just see his closet vault video? I have a very hard time believing someone has enough money to live the way he lives.

11. Where is the most beautiful place on earth and why? On my last visit to Puerto Rico, my family and I took a day trip to the most gorgeous place I’d ever been. It was this water fall hidden in some forest. I don’t remember what it was called or what city it was in. All you had to do was pay $5 for parking. Getting down there was kind of scary because there was no railing and it was a poorly made pathway down to the waterfall. The closer you got to the water, the muddier the path got, but once you were down there it was so worth it. It was perfectly shaded by the tropical trees. The water was CRYSTAL CLEAR. A bunch of people had brought lawn chairs and coolers and speakers with their own music, don’t ask me how they brought it all down there. Tons of people climbed up the waterfall and jumped down into the pool at the bottom. I never again saw something as beautiful as that and I often dream about it. I hope to go back again one day.

12. Are ghosts real? I don’t want to call my friends liars because they’ve experienced it, but I guess I’m a believe-it-when-i-see-it person in this case, which is so weird because I’m kind of religious too.

13. Are aliens real? Why else are they so secretive about Area 51??

14. How old is the most expired item in your fridge? oof don’t make me get up. My mom doesn’t let shit sit in there for more than 3 days lmao. it’s probably one of the condiments though.

15. What are your favorite style of underwear? I call them lady boxers. They’re closer to boxer-briefs, but like super short. They’re body hugging and make my butt look gr8.

16. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard? Um, The cover of Zombie by Bad Wolves makes me really sad rn.

17. How about the sweetest song? Northern Lights by Prototype Raptor makes me feel really good all the time.

18. Do you know how to play dominoes? Yes, surprisingly!!

19. What’s under your bed? My bed doesn’t have an under, it’s a mattress on the floor. Oh, but I have a sketchbook under it because it got bent lol.

20. Have you ever prank called someone? When I was like 8, I wanted to call my dad, but I got the number wrong. I apologized and wound calling the same number a few times, but I didn’t know what was wrong. The lady who answered was forgiving at first, but then the next few times she got really mad and I think that’s where my telephone/social anxiety started. That’s also the closest I got to prank calling. I did eventually get the number right and called my dad.

21. 100 kittens or 3 baby sloths? I have 3 kittens in my backyard rn, so gimme 100 sloths.

22. Are you proud of what you’re doing with your heart and time right now? Um…half yes half no. That’s a loaded question.

23. Why or why not? Healing from some drama, but I feel stuck in life right now, so I’m tryingggg to get unstuck.

24. How many bones have you broken? Exactly Zer0, knock on wood.

25. Have you ever won anything? Big or small? I won an art contest in elementary school. And recently I won a giveaway, I was the 4th winner. But my place expired if I didn’t claim my prize that night, and I saw the email 2 days too late.

26. If you could buy one material thing, and money was not an issue, what would it be? A whole ass house.

27. What’s your favorite movie from your childhood? I always loved The Trumpet of the Swan.

28. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? OLIVES

29. What’s the best way to comfort you when you’re having a really terrible day? The company of my friends.

30. Has anything/anyone every saved your life before? My mom did. I was like 7 at a local water park. I went down a waterslide and I fell off the tubing when it hit the pool at the bottom. I couldn’t get my footing and was losing air, OOF. The lifeguard didn’t move to help me or let my mom grab me because I “had it.” Iin fact did not have it. My mom had to push past the lifeguard and scoop me up. Pretty sure that would’ve been the end of me.

31. Would you ever adopt a child? Hm, maybe.

32. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? You trying to make me embarrass myself? Um, okay I wanna try sensory deprivation and being in a vacbed. Maybe at the same time, who knows?

33. If you were a cake which cake would you be? NAPOLEON

34. What is the most important material possession you have and why? I have a feeeeew. TV, PS4, Laptop and drawing tablet, and my phone. They keep me entertained and connected with the world/help me express myself. If I didn’t have them, I’d probably just lay in my room and stare at the ceiling.

35. What is the most important memory you have and why? The memories of my 2005 Disney vacation with my family. I felt true happiness then.

36. When was the last time you cried? Hm, probably a few weeks ago.

37. How old was your mother when she had you? 28

38. Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? Shane Dawson looks fun to be around, I feel like I’m already friends with him lmao. Oooh and Oliver Tree is a riot.

39. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? I’m constantly apologizing so no lmao.

40. Have you been on your first date? If so, how did it go? Never been on a date. Prince Charming, I’m here. Come take me.

Finally, we reach the end. If you read all that, then you’re a real one.

#ask

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muke-network · 6 years

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Luke seems fine with Mystal... he’s taken photos with them (like the one where he’s half laying on Michael & Crystal has her arm around Mike too) I’m just now getting into this muke stuff so could you explain the basics of the pr relationship? It seems like they’re pretty chill with Crystal

Okay, so there’s a lot in this ask to break down so I’m going to do it one thing at a time. I’m going to put it under a cut because it got hella long.

Let’s start with the basics of a PR relationship. A PR relationship, essentially, is used for promotional reasons between two people. Celebrities do this all the time to try and boost their status or to boost that of a lesser known celeb. For example, a PR relationship could be agreed upon between the two leading actors of a movie (Kristin Stewart/Robert Pattinson) in order to promote their movie and the franchise that could potentially follow. Other examples of actors that have dated to promote a movie are Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.

This can happen with musicians as well, Jennifer Lopez and Drake were a PR relationship to boost and promote the collaboration they were working on. It could also be the case of a more famous musician dating a lesser known artist to get their name out in the media and get people paying attention to them.

PR relationships have been widely used to hide the sexuality of one of the people involved. In the golden age of Hollywood, Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy were a power couple. They were married and the public had no idea that either of them had same sex relationships. This is still practiced today as recent as Colton Haynes and Ellen Page, both of which were in stunt relationships to hide the fact they were gay. Modest! Management has loads of history with closeting their gay artists (look up Mark Feehily from Westlife) and hey, what do you know…that’s 5sos’ management team. Funny right?

PR relationships happen in Hollywood literally all the time. Shane Dawson has talked about this on his channel as well, along with his experience when he was in Hollywood. They exist either to hide someone’s sexuality or to boost their image. Sometimes it’s easier to parse a PR relationship based on how often the paparazzi are involved. Hiddleswift was a good example of that because their entire relationship was in front of the paps. Keep in mind, paps don’t just hang out in places hoping for a celeb to walk by. They show up because they’re called.

Now, moving on to the next part concerning Luke seemingly being fine with Mystal. Part of PR stunts and what makes them so cringe is the fact it doesn’t ever just affect the two people involved. It affects everyone around them to from their colleagues, to their friends and even their families. Everyone has to play along in the stunt to make it look more believable. Sometimes that truly backfires as with the case of Karen Clifford who, pre-Mystal, was hardly active on social media at all. Now she seems to be on social media a lot and only ever talks about Crystal or likes Crystal’s posts or comments on Crystal/Mystal stuff. She literally talks about Crystal/Mystal more than her own son. Doesn’t that make you go “hmmm…”? It sure does me. There are literally two pictures that include Mystal + Luke, both of which he is touching or attached to Michael in some fashion. Other than some group pics there’s nothing to suggest that Luke gives a fuck about Crystal or that they’re friends. Regardless of Luke’s personal feelings on Crystal/Mystal he can’t exactly make it obvious that this is fake bullshit. He has a part to play as well.

Now, I’m not saying that Crystal couldn’t be a friend to them because hell…she might be. I don’t know the whole story. I can only go on what I see. Granted, I hope none of them are friends with her because she’s not a nice person in the least. I’d hate to think of the guys as people who would accept someone into their lives that has a history or racism, xenophobia and fatphobia, all of which are things she’s lied about. However, it’s very clear that Mystal is a PR relationship that’s only benefiting Crystal because she is literally irrelevant to the general public. Crystal drops Michael’s name as often as she can and her stans just eat it up. That’s not normal. Not to mention, she’s 34 years old and she spends countless hours arguing and fighting with fans. That is also not normal. Crystal literally inserts herself into almost every activity she possibly can that involves Michael short of interviews and live performances. I stan a lot of bands and it’s rare that I ever see their wives/girlfriends involving themselves in every aspect of their lives, especially when that artist is engaging with their fans.

So yeah, that’s pretty much all I’ve got for you at the moment. Hope this helps to clarify some things, nony.

#mystal #crystal leigh #pr stunts #tj talks

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kevinjamesisagiantpeach · 4 years

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The Zookeeper- Ryan & Susie in Conversation

Susie: So Ryan, what do you remember about the Zookeeper two weeks later? What immediately jumps out to you about it?

Ryan: “Show her your puddin’ cup!” jumps out at me.

S: How did I forget about that part? I was thinking about the sad gorilla cake. My number one thing about that movie was that heinous gorilla costume. It was on my top five list of topics “bad gorilla costume” and Kevin James just sitting in the gorilla pen talking to the gorilla. Am I remembering wrong or was that half of the movie?

R: There was a lot of time spent in the gorilla pen. I feel like we have hit both extremes of animal movies. We hit the animal movie where they were making the animals do too many things that ended up being too much and too creepy, like dancing and singing and CGI wiggling… stuff...

S: Wearing pants

R: Yes! Wearing pants and stuff. So, we hit that extreme and then in The Zookeeper, we sort of hit the extreme where animals were just acting like boring people.

S: Like standing around A LOT, like a ton of animal loitering. The zoo would close, the animals would loiter. They’d confer about Kevin James, decide to take action but their action was to circle around Kevin James.

R: Yeah. You know what is funny? There were no animal-related hijinx, other than the gorilla going to TGI Friday’s which is also really boring.

S: It’s truly boring but when I tell you there are so many clips of it on Youtube. People love that scene where he is the van listening to the Apple Bottom Jeans song with the gorilla. I was searching…I have to say there are parts of The Zookeeper that I like. I have to say that Rosario Dawson was a champ throughout this film. I don’t feel like we have seen, to date, sort of Kevin James love interest that has been as game as she has for the ridiculous hijinks and pratfalls. She made the most sense so far.

R: Yeah. She was good, actually, and I think because they worked together and sort of had a friendship through work, when they got together, you weren’t like, “Oh, how did that happen?”

S: Like Paul Blart and the hair extensions woman.

R: Yeah. No. That was weird. That was not appropriate.

S: So forced and then Salma Hayek who seemed to genuinely hate his character in Here Comes the Boom. Or not even hate but sort of..but yea, revile. She definitely wasn’t a fan.

R: Definitely not respect. I do not know why she ended up jumping on that train, but I have a feeling it was nothing to do with his personality.

S: It was because he saved just the music teacher’s job. At the end of the movie, the shocking part is… not to talk about Here Comes the Boom again, but I could, forever… it’s not saving the school’s budget, it’s just saving a teacher. In the same way, that in the Zookeeper he stops selling cars to save the gorilla? Is that right? The gorilla, there’s nothing even happening with the gorilla? That was sort of a red herring?The one guy bullied the gorilla but nothing ever came of it?

R: Well, the one guy bullied the gorilla, which I feel like could have been solved by reporting that guy to their boss.

S: Instead of just kicking him

R: Yeah, he just sort of killed that guy, I guess. I don’t know.

S: He got murdered

R: Yeah, that guy got murdered. But [Griffon] knew about it before then. I feel like if [Griffon said something along the lines of, “I suspect [Shane] is abusing the gorilla. I think we should put a camera in there.” That probably would have solved that problem. I feel like he never went to Step A before he went to killing that guy.

S: And also, it’s like the zoo wanted to punish the gorilla, when again, it’s an animal, it’s a wild animal, not even a domesticated animal. So they were like… he kinda, I don’t even think he bit the guy, so he doesn’t get a nice cage anymore, we put him in a shitty cage. This is not a moral thing that the zoo is doing. So that is my other question, why is no one ever at the zoo? Did they spend all the money on wedding extras and TGIFridays extras. But that zoo feels closed all of the time. No one is there but the employees and that’s why the animals loiter so much.

R: That’s true. There is definitely a financial crisis happening with that zoo.

S: And we never figured out what city it was in, we conjectured San Francisco

R: Didn’t we eventually think they were in Boston?

S: Oh yea, we Googled it

R: We eventually find out it’s in Boston, and that is also the final song of the movie is [by the band] Boston.

S: I think it’s so weird to have a movie set in Boston and then not have anything Boston related at all. They could have been anywhere. They might have been anywhere. Probably filmed in Quebec.

R: I do wonder if people from Boston would recognize that zoo somehow, if it’s iconic enough that if you actually had been to the zoo in Boston, you would be like, “Oh, I know exactly where that is.”

S: I don’t even feel like we even see that much of it The pudding cup scene that you mentioned where he pisses all over the place. I feel like we’re in the pen a lot, the aforementioned gorilla pen we’re in all the time, we see the eagles, we see Rosario Dawson’s lab but I would be hard pressed to tell you more of that zzo. I can’t even placed in the geography of the zoo where the engagement party was.

R: It also seemed like that zoo was just one very small area. It felt like everything was very clos to everything else

S: Basically the animals were stacked somehow.

R: This was a strange movie. I feel like we were supposed to think that Paul Blart was very committed and saving the animals--

S: Paul Blart? I love that this is basically Paul Blart, reconfigured, reconstituted

R: What is his name in the movie, again? It begins with a “G.” He’s got a strange name.

S: Gordon? I don’t remember

R: No, it’s not Gordon. I’ll look it up. I think it is definitely worth knowing his name because it is so odd.

S: I feel like I can never hold on to the names of Kevin James’s characters because it’s always shades of Kevin James. I’ve started talking about Kevin James in casual conversation at this point. Where I say things like “I think Kevin James is really happy with his life.” And different aspects of his acting.

R: I feel like he does have his shit together. *frantically typing and having computer trouble*

S: In the bloopers in the credits where he just, I guess it was in between takes, he just turns to the camera and says all of America hates me right now. I think its funny to think about, Adam Sandler is so mad that people don’t like his movies. Kevin James knows and doesn’t give a fuck. And it reminds me of when Tyler Perry was on Black AF and he’s talking about how people hate his movies and he’s like guess what, I sell a lot of tickets and I’m making movies that are true to my heart. If people don’t like that then fuck that because this is what I’m doing. And that’s why they’re all over the place because Kevin James is a complicated man.

R: Well, I think, like Tyler Perry-- I am actually glad you brought up his name because now I am enjoying this connection-- I feel like you can either relate to it or you can’t. If you can relate to Tyler Perry’s movies, then they’re funny. You’re like, “Yes. I get that. I enjoy this. This feels real to me.” I feel like Kevin James is a little bit like that, too. It’s easy to watch it and go, “Who would ever watch this?” But then when you actually think about it, it’s like-- no-- this is probably funny if you find something relatable in this situation.

R: I guess the running joke is that Kevin James is a squat, fat guy who is extremely dorky and awkward and falls in love with every woman he meets and in every movie, he is doomed to be that person, and if that is what you feel like in your life, it is probably funny to watch it.

S: He’s a millionaire so it’s the total bright side of that. Sure he might be all these things but he’s married to a beautiful woman and has this family and life that seems pretty fulfilling and what we have learned from his shorts is he is a legitimately good actor. He could just be a good actor which I could not get over. Why don’t we see more of this? Why doesn’t this show up in his movies? Is it because the writing is so bizarre?

R: I think the writing is one of the main culprits. We watch these movies and hit those points when Kevin James is funny. The fact that we’ve seen it is proof that [the problem] is not his ability to land a joke. It’s more the script. The script is just too flat in a lot of these movies. In Zookeeper, the script was-- it was hard to grab on to why you care what is happening.

S: Yes

R: His name is Griffin, by the way.

S: Oh, o yea, it’s like a last name first name

R: It’s probably because it’s an animal name.

S: I feel the Zookeeper suffers from what most of the movies he’s in suffers from which is tonal confusion. At first we’re like ok we have this guy who loves his job, total Kevin James thing, loves rules, total Kevin James thing, and is hopelessly in love with a woman who is not going to love him back to the same degree, total Kevin James thing. But then all of a sudden of all these red pill MRA shit themes start coming in. And we’re like who is this? This is not my Kevin James. And the thing is that those parts of the film feel icky. Like that part of the film feels so much more Grown Ups than anything else we’ve seen him in. Where I’m like David Spade would someone totally do this. Like you could see this showing up on his Twitter feed like “make a woman feel bad about herself”

R: I think that is one of the things that I find most troubling about Kevin James movies. I don’t want Kevin James movies to be low key sexist or high key sexist. It’s hard to tell where on the spectrum these movies fall.

S: Because of the tonal confusion

R: Yes because of the tonal confusion. It’s a weird combination of he’s putting these women on a pedestal and sometimes he’s forming genuine relationships that you can appreciate with these women. They are always strong. They are not really vapid in these movies. These are smart capable women. These characters in the are interesting people who you are like, yes, I respect this person. And then I think where it falls apart is the way he actually gets women. That’s when it starts to become creepy. So, if you learn how to manipulate women, you can just get them?

S: There’s no seeing him stick the landing. There’s no reason that the relationship goes from kind of contentious to they’re making fun of each other and there’s no real chemistry like in Here Comes the Boom, the connection between him and Salma Hayek, I’m honestly can’t remember if they actually got together or not but I know the movie was trying to take us by the hand. And I’m like we don’t need this. This can just be about his super intense friendship with Henry Winkler, Henry Winkler’s unorthodox home life and then finding himself through MMA fighting. I don’t need this romantic relationship shoe horned in. Almost in the same way as Paul Blart, the end game in Paul Blart did not need to be a woman and then it wasn’t in the second one but they kinda wanted us to want it to be. That whole plot thread with him, the hotel manager, and the security guard, what was that? I know this isn’t Zookeeper and we keep getting off subject but I think this is relevant,

R: I’m just saying, Paul Blart had a threesome with those people. I’m throwing it out there.

S: Oh 1000%

S: He’s negging them! It makes sense that he would end up with them. I predicted this. I knew this would happen. I orchestrated the whole thing. Are we then supposed to believe that Griffin also became awakened to this sort of pick up artist technique?

R: He didn’t use it on Rosario Dawson. They actually did the opposite. They had a rip roaring good time at that wedding and that’s why they got together. I think that is why this is the most painless Kevin James romantic interest matchup because when they get together you’re like, Yeah, I get that. You got invited to this wedding as a friend. You had an awesome time. You both acted ridiculous, probably destroyed this wedding, but enjoyed yourselves, and after that, you decided to be more than friends. That is actually an understandable sequence of events.

R: The negging thing-- I think we were supposed to be made to understand that it worked on Leslie Bibb because she is a shallow gold digger and those are the only types of guys that she goes out with, specifically.

S: Ok which is a perfect transtition to why is Joe Rogan in this movie? Are they BFFs why is Joe Rogan in these fucking movies?

R: I would say I think he just likes playing a douchebag in Kevin James movies, but I don’t know. It’s hard to say.

S: I am not under the impression that he is part of the Adam Sandler cabal so we have determined that Kevin James puts his brothers and his friends in all of his films.

R: And his wife.

S: And his wife. So he is the light side to Adam Sandler’s dark side. Does that then mean, that Joe Rogan is part of the Kevin James posse? Cause I really feel like we are coming onto something here.

R: Well, they must be friends, somehow.

S: We don’t see the reoccurrence of actors in these movies unless they’re friends. Because once you’re in a Zookeeper or Here Comes the Boom, you only need to be in one of these. You can just sort of live off residuals. Unless there is a different draw, you don’t really need to be in another.

R: Here is a Joe Rogan tweet from October 11, 2012, promoting Here Comes the Boom:

https://twitter.com/joerogan/status/256578871380549633?s=20

S: So this is definitely a branding thing

R: I wonder if it started with Here Comes the Boom, where Joe Rogan was in that movie because it was an Ultimate Fighter Movie, I guess.

S: Yes

R: And then maybe they did become friends because of that and decided to do more movies after that?

S: And then Joe Rogan’s podcast only took off later like he didn’t become the podcast guy until maybe 2015.

R: So, yeah, I guess that would kind of make sense is they would come up in their careers together through Kevin James movies, in part.

S: That’s so interesting though because that puts Kevin James in the power position in his friendship with Joe Rogan.

R: Yes. I actually did find an article. If you Google, “Kevin James Joe Rogan Friendship.”

S: As I do, every night before I go to bed but go ahead and tell me.

R: I don’t know what sherdog.com is. I don’t know what it is. It’s the global authority on mixed martial arts website.

S: I’m so glad this is going to be on your web history, your browser history. John’s going to be like “Ryan, are you ok?’

R: So, this is an article from October 11, 2012, entitled “Kevin James’ Friendship with Bas Rutten, Joe Rogan, Inspired Here Comes the Boom”

S: So they were already friends then went and wrote a movie?

R: Supposedly, they interviewed Kevin James. Oh, look-- you can listen to the full interview.

Interesting

R: So, they went on Sherdog Radio Network’s Beatdown Show

S: I love these words

R: And then they asked him where he got the idea for an MMA comedy and he said It really came from Joe Rogan and I talking. I’ve always wanted to try to incorporate some mixed martial arts into a movie, and Joe and I were talking about how we could make it a comedy. It seems difficult to do without making it goofy and jokey … . The challenge was just kind of getting a blend of real comedy and real moments and also infusing that with realistic MMA.”

S: So that makes so much more sense why Here Comes the Boom was so confusing. They were trying to do a lot. I think this whole project is going to lead me to listening to a ton of Kevin James interviews to just try to figure out what was the kernel that this bizarre movie started as and how the fuck did it end up where it is. And I’m going to definitely look up what lead to the Zookeeper because if this is what led to Here Comes the Boom that means the Zookeeper was Kevin James was a at a zoo and thought what if the animals could talk and give me love advice.

R: It sounds like he and Joe Rogan are friends just because they are both comedians.

S: So Joe Rogan is big at the Comedy Store and I wonder if Kevin James used to do stand up there? Cause Joe Rogan one of THE people on the LA comedy scene. I feel like we’re going to end up writing a book about Kevin James someday.

R: I would be fine with that. Could you imagine if we actually got the opportunity to interview Kevin James?

S: I would love that. I feel like… and I’m going to take a big swing right now…he is the connective tissue that holds Hollywood together. But for real, we’re finding out that he low key has just been…and long term fans would think I’m ridiculous for saying this, I feel like he’s been kinda flying under the radar in a way that I’m unaware of. But think about how few actors get to act as long as he’s been acting. He’s been around since the early 2000s that’s like longevity stuff and it seems like he’s always trying stuff.

R: I actually wish that I had known about Here Comes the Boom before I watched Here Comes the Boom. I would love to know the conversation that sparked the Zookeeper. I wish that I was there for the making of before I saw the final product. I think if I knew more about the material beforehand, I would have a different relationship with the movie.

S: No that definitely makes sense because the thing we’re always questioning is intention. Like ok, so what exactly were we supposed to get out that scene? Or why would they have the characters do that? And I feel like from the little bit that I know about how the formulation of these things happened. They’re just trying stuff. Like we’re seeing what would now be relegated to a Youtube skit or a web series but they got to make a full Hollywood movie. Similar to Kevin Smith, being like I talked about the concept for Tusk on my podcast and then I went and made it. And it seems like Kevin James and his friends are doing that all the time. Like we were sitting around in our rich man’s houses and decided to make this film. By then he was flush with King of Queens money and Adam Sandler money so why not try some shit? And the studios keep signing off on it so he must be good money right? Or was that a Happy Madison Production?

R: I think that was a Happy Madison Production???? [EDIT: Yes, it is a Happy Madison Production.]

S: Cause that’s the other part if your best friend is going to cosign on your projects very little is risked

R: Let me see. At one point, I thought this was supposed to be a kid’s movie that their parents could watch with them.

S: Like a family film but so much of it centers around materialism and the compromise that happens when you’re with the wrong person. Even the hokey animal stuff like “show her your pudding cup” and “mark your territory”, I don’t even know how funny kids would think that was.

R: I mean, I’m trying to think back to when I was a kid, if I would have thought it was funny that he was peeing on a tree in front of actual children.

S: I think I would have felt uncomfortable because I would be like “an adult’s not supposed to do that” like stranger danger stuff.

R: One thing that struck me in the movie is how suggestible Griffin is. You could tell Griffin to do anything and he would just do it. I guess his character was like that because otherwise you wouldn’t have any jokes in the movie. So, like, he is peeing at this party. I feel like in a lot of other movies, they would create some scenario or misunderstanding that would make that happen, but in this movie, he just decided to pee at this party.

S: And the maitre d is way too understanding about it. Instead of ejecting him from the party, he’s like “hey you know have bathrooms right?” And Kevin James is like “yea” and then the subject is never revisited. And I’m sort of like that is not how that would have happened, the police would have been called. And like imagine being those other diners? So like you’re not going to kick him out? You’re just going to talk to him? Okkk

R: It also didn’t give him a private place to do that. I feel like in another movie, they would have given him a place to do that out of view and then he would have been caught, but he was just out in the open, peeing.

S: He was in the center of the restaurant, pissing in a planter. It was so, that’s the other part, that makes these movies so unbelievable. Kevin James as the main character is almost never the one acting most outrageously. Like he’s acting outrageously but so is everyone else here so it make it feel like it’s taking place in a crazy world. In the same way and I keep thinking about and I don’t know why this keeps coming up for me, the moment in Grown Ups where they’re at the water park. I’m having an issue phasing in and out of these movies at this point because they all have the same problems. But when they’re at the water park and everyone’s acting bananas. Where they have that weird scene where they sneaking onto the water slide the wrong way, and they keep going on the water slide and Steve Buscemi is there for no reason and Kevin James steals that kids milk and no one is behaving properly. So are we to believe that this is just a world where no one behaves properly or is the main characters behavior setting everyone else off like a domino effect?

R: I feel like it also diminishes some of the humor of what’s happening. I feel like if everyone thinks it’s normal to pee in a restaurant, where’s the joke?

S:I completely agree. With no juxtaposition, without a straight man, where’s the joke? It’s just like everyone acting like an asshole and I just think I’m glad I’m not there. Once the lose of decorum is normalized, it’s no longer funny. It’s just like oh, we’re in a gross out world.

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