#the early episodes are so cringey and i love them for it and olivia always ALWAYS steals the show. EVERY LINE. i LOVE HER.

[dogboyklug]

i l,ove you olivia,,,

sketches on ko-fi as always :] [link]

[multimetaverse]

HSMTMTS 1x10 Review

Act 2 was a great finale that capped off a great season though somewhat marred by Disney censorship. Let’s dig in!

Finally Ricky and Nini have found their way back to each other. Sweet callback to Ricky lighting Nini up with his phone as Nini does the same. Breaking Free was great though I had to keep pausing during the EJ to Ricky transition because it was so cringey. Ricky and Nini really do have the best chemistry on the show and it shines through this ep. Joshua did a great job improvising Ricky’’s confession to Nini as did Olivia reacting to it. Tim mentioned in an interview that originally Ricky was supposed to tell Nini that he thinks he kinda you knows in a callback to the premiere but on set he realized that it was too cheesy and decided to let Joshua come up with a confession based on memories of his and Olivia’s real life friendship. That was certainly the steamiest kiss we’ve yet seen on Disney + but it was well earned

 It speaks well of Tim that he recognized that his own writing wasn’t good enough and that he trusted his actors to take charge. It also goes to show how much of a difference it makes having the showrunner actually on set in Salt Lake, whether that was Tim or Disney’s decision. It’s a sharp contrast with Andi Mack where Terri the showrunner was based in LA and only rarely visited set while Michelle Manning was the producer in charge in Salt Lake, a split which I think hurt the show in some ways

That rainbow heart sign from the Mathew-Smith family was lovely. It’s great to see Seb’s family of Utah farmers being so supportive. This also confirms that Seb is out to his family, and since Miss Jenn seemed to greet Carlos’ father near the beginning of the ep it’s likely that Carlos is also out to his family

A historic first for Disney with a Seblos cheek kiss. Though of course while it’s progress it still isn’t equality. It’s not so much the Rini kisses that really drives home the inequality since they’re the main couple and were always going to kiss in the finale but rather it’s the Redlyn kiss. It’s not like Redlyn has gotten any real development nor did their story line really need a kiss so early. They got to kiss simply because they’re straight. That being said, it does once more show that the limits are looser on Disney +, we never would have gotten even a Tyrus cheek kiss on Disney Channel

Unfortunately Disney for the second ep this season released promotional photos of Seblos scenes that were cut from the episode itself. It’s not queerbaiting in the traditional sense but it is baiting the audience as they know that a lot of people are very invested in Seblos and seeing that rep on screen and Disney is willing to use that to draw in viewers while cutting the actual on screen rep down. What’s worse is that if it wasn’t for Disney itself letting us know that these scenes existed we’d never know that Seblos scenes were being cut. And of course, it’s a waste of time and money for the show to film these scenes only for them to be cut. A big complaint with Seblos this season has been their lack of development but that seems to be less on the writers who are in fact giving them more scenes then on Disney which is cutting them down to the bare minimum

It’s all shameless triangulation on Disney’s part, trying to be progressive but not so progressive as to alienate conservatives. It’s not like any homophobes are still watching the show after Seblos got together. So far it seems like the Disney censorship on HSMTMTS is coming mainly in post production like it was in Andi Mack S2 with the cut bash mitzvah scene and the edited look back which is awful but is still better than the much heavier censorship we saw in Andi Mack S3 that was coming in pre-production when things like Cyrus being able to talk about his feelings for TJ and vice versa were just never being written. Hopefully Seb being a main character in S2 means that the censorship lessens at least a bit or at the very least stays in the post production stage

In an interview done early on in the season, Tim talked about sometimes taking giant leaps and some times taking small steps in terms of the representation on the show and know we have a much better sense of what that means in practice. There was the giant leap of Seblos getting together at Homecoming and the small step of them kissing on the cheek. Afaik Tim hasn’t addressed the Seblos cheek kiss which is probably for the best and if he does I hope he has the good grace to not lie to the audience about his ability to have gotten an actual Seblos kiss approved. I do think we’ll eventually see a Seblos kiss though I think the earliest that could happen would be the S2 finale

Very telling that Ashlyn assumes EJ is behind Ricky’s exit and not a good look on EJ’s part to not tell Miss Jenn at least that Ricky left. . Good for him though for playing to lose and giving up the role of Troy to help Nini and Ricky. Confirmation that he paid for Gina’s ticket and we got our first Hell Yeah on the show. I don’t like it but it does seem like that scene was set up for Portwell in S2; at the very least it seems like Gina may have started to feel something for EJ

Pour one out for those poor audience members having to sit through that trainwreck of a second act. You know you’re really in trouble when you have to send your choreographer out there as an understudy

I loved Big Red’s little xylophone during the intermission 

Nice to see Nini and Gina end on a friendly, supportive note. Hopefully that continues next season

Kudos to Olivia and Matt for really selling the high school theatre actors barely keeping it together on stage aspect of the performance. Nini and EJ have so little chemistry that it’s almost hard to remember that they were dating for several months

Mr Darbus’ office set looked great. Nice touch to have Miss Jenn mouthing the lyrics to Wondering off stage

Lynne really sucks. Can’t say I’d miss her if we don’t see her in S2

Will be interesting to see how Miss Jenn and Mr. Mazzara save their jobs

Realistically I don’t think Nini’s performance was strong enough to earn a spot at YAC; someone like Gina or Seb would have been a much more credible choice imo. Nice touch to have the Dean leave through one door and Ricky the other

Now that the season is done it’s hard to see any traces of whatever more mature direction former showrunner Oliver Goldstick wanted to go in. The whole season seems very coherent and consistent in terms of tone. We did learn from Tim and Olivia that her song All I Want was a re-shoot so maybe it was a replacement for a song or scene that was pushing the envelope more than Tim and Disney wanted

One thing that may or may not be connected is that EJ’s panic attacks from the original character breakdown made no appearance this season and who knows if we’ll ever seen EJ having panic attacks or suffering from anxiety. Disney seemingly had no trouble showing Jonah’s panic attacks on Andi Mack which is doubtless where HSMTMTS took the idea from but it’s also true that Jonah’s anxiety story line was abandoned halfway through S3 and though it’s likely just the result of bad writing it can’t be ruled out that Disney got cold feet over focusing on mental health in both Andi Mack and HSMTMTS

Looking Ahead:

One benefit of this review being so late is that we now know the spring muscial! Beauty and the Beast which seems to suggest that all future musicals will be Disney owned properties

Tim also confirmed that they will still be incorporating songs from HSM 2 and 3 into the show which will certainly help pad out the 16 extra songs they’ll be doing in S2. Having 12 eps will be a big help to the show; 10 eps just wasn’t enough to properly deal with all the characters and plots

HSMTMTS really turned out to be a delight and while I think S2 will be as well there are definitely potential issues ahead that will need to be deftly dealt with. Nini either going away to YAC and then coming back to SLC or just not going to YAC is probably going to be wrapped up in an unsatisfying manner. In all honesty this kind of plot would have worked much better if it had been saved for Nini’s senior year

Whatever plan Ashlyn is cooking up to keep Gina in SLC is also probably going to be poorly done as there’s no reason Gina’s mother would willingly leave her daughter in another state

EJ is either leaving the show after he graduates or they’re going to have to contrive some way to keep him around East High in future seasons

Seb now being a main will be interesting, if nothing else to see what Disney’s limits are. Tim has hinted at their being drama for Seblos in S2 and I hope that it serves to develop them and is not just a means to keep them apart so there can be two gay mains but no gay relationship. As an aside Tim revealed that Joe originally auditioned for EJ which is wild; it’s funny that both Joshua Rush and Joe Serafini auditioned for EJ when neither of them had any realistic chance of being cast

I have no strong feelings on the cast list for Beauty and the Beast though I do think it’s likely that either Kourtney or Gina end up playing Belle as I think having a black girl play Belle is just the type of subversion that would appeal to Tim. Miss Jenn did say that she wanted Kourtney to come speak to her over break and while Gina is a bigger character I’m not sure if Sofia’s singing is quite good enough to carry the lead in the musical while I think Dara’s definitely is 

I’d say it’s very likely EJ ends up either as the beast or as Gaston since he’s in what should be his last semester. And if Gina also gets a big role it would make it easier to play with Portwell in S2. If EJ is the beast I could see Seb getting Gaston in another subversion of expectations. Regardless I think with Seb now being a main and with Joe having one of the strongest voices in the cast that he’ll play an important role

Until next season Wildcats

[veridium]

happy pills

The storm is on the horizon for your favorite modern thedas college girls. It’s my honor to push my piece a step further on the board. This episode brought to you by Norah Jones’s “Happy Pills,” otherwise known as my favorite song to sing wine drunk in the shower! 

Enjoy some sad, tepid burn and friends knocking sense into each other! uwu!

start from the beginning // previous episode

--

6:50am, Friday morning:

--dude, send me your coffee order in ten minutes or perish.

Ellinor: surprise me

--you hate when I do that

Ellinor: you always say that! you know me

--ok fine, it’s my funeral after it’s yours. I’m at the studio. Hopefully you’ve snuck back through the window from your nocturnal love nesting.

Friday morning workout at the dance studio does not rival Josephine’s pep talk as far as therapeutic outlets go, but it’s a close placebo. She’s been going once a day at least since Wednesday evening, and switched to early mornings in order to evade any possible ‘run-in.’ Now she is an even more mean, lean, dancing machine than she usually is, dressed in her black leotard, tights, and running shorts. The last thing on her to-do list while in town is to stop into the coffee shop downtown to pick up coffee for her and Ellinor -- she called dibs on the honors, edging out Cullen for once that week.

She parks her car on the curb at 7:45am and tosses her hair up in a clip. Hopping out of her mini and over the crosswalk, she walks in with ease though the memories flood. Down the way she sees the table where her and Cassandra had their disaster coffee meet-up, and butterflies yet linger in her stomach as she waits in line to place her order.

Just as it’s her turn, people come down the shop stairs from the second-floor lounge area. A set of flats with ballerina laces, the other calf-high, military style boots. The worst combination of people there could ever be. Cassandra, and the red-headed friend of Josephine’s. Lily? Leliana. Leliana.

What are they doing here? It’s the crack of fucking dawn!

They’re walking close, and it’s not due to the lack of space. Shoulder-to-shoulder, like...like how they used to. Olivia can’t bare to look at their faces and have it be made worse. She closes her eyes and turns away. Dread and its accompanying sensations flood her from nose to toe. She braces for a collision, a cringey ‘oh how do you know so-and-so?’ and sly grin for absolutely no reason. Cassandra’s awkward inability to hide her feelings of uncomfortable distaste.

But, across the floor, the secondary door entrance rings its bell, and she turns to see they are gone. Left without so much as a horrible side-eye. Well, fine, if that is how it is...

Is she that unrecognizable post-workout? God, she must be. She pulls out her phone and flips the selfie camera on. It isn’t the worst she’s ever looked -- sophomore year, second semester finals definitely takes the cake in that category. But she does look...human. Mortal. Normal, sans emo pride flag hoisted in her wake.

Her gawking is interrupted by a text from Ellinor:

Ellinor: Hey, still bringing my coffee? I have some things to do and class later…

--Yeah, I’m ordering now. Be at the dorm in 15.

Oh, so she is alive. Funny. She pays for her to-go order, a white non-fat mocha and an Oregon chai. She’s expanding Ellinor’s palate, slowly but surely, starting with the chai family. Today is a risky day to try, though -- Ellinor has been a happy nervous mess, and last night’s antics have them both on edge: another instance where she’d said she would come home in a few hours, tops, only to stay over until morning. Something’s got to give.

Heading to her car, she makes a couple more texts, but to Theia instead:

--dude, hey, do you know Leliana?

She’s buckled up by the time Theia responds. The early mechanic bird always gets first dibs at tinkering with the shop stuff, as she would say.

Theia: Leliana? Who fucking doesn’t.

--That makes me feel better. She queer?

Theia: Yeah, she’s one of us. Cool once she likes you. I swear she ran a government background check on me when I started hanging out with Josie.

--well, great, she’s hanging out with...she who shall not be named

Theia: Well, hope she says goodbye, because I’m still killing her lol

--Ha, very funny. I gotta drive, I’ll text you later. See you this weekend at the gala?

Theia: Yep!

Well, shit. What’s there to like about the situation besides their choice in shoes? Nothing. But she’s got a coffee order to deliver to her best friend, and that takes precedent. She puts the car into gear and takes off.

Once on campus she marches straight up to their rooms, where Ellinor is waiting with a boot tapping the ground and phone in both her hands.

“There you are! Fuck,” Ellinor sighs, rubbing one of her eyes. “Tell me it’s at least a double-shot.”

“Triple,” Olivia grins, handing it to her. They both sip, and Ellinor makes a face.

“Is this a boujee chai? You got me a boujee chai again.”

“I got you a nice chai. You’re welcome, Olivia, for being my coffee fairy…”

Ellinor pinches the bridge of her nose, like a reset button, and refocuses on her phone screen. Is she still grumpy from Olivia’s read last night? Maybe, it was a bit...brutal. That’s what happens when you catch her trying to sleep, noise machine on ocean sounds and late night oreos digesting.

“Thank you,” Ellinor finally spits out, pulling her headphones from her denim jacket pocket. “I’m sorry, I’m just...worried.”

“Why? What’s up? Fuck, my class starts soon, let me throw some clothes on and get my bag.”

A black spaghetti strap, black jeans, and a grey long cardigan will have to do. She runs some product through her wet hair and ties it back up, and out in no more than 3 minutes. They get down the stairs and onto the sidewalk. Private enough for multitasking gossip and academia.

“So, what’s with the stick up your ass?” Olivia asks, slipping her aviators on.

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“Not even!”

“You got ten minutes before the door closes and you gotta find another plucky blonde to be your confessor, dude. Speak now or forever hold your peace!”

“Urgh!” Ellinor chokes back an erroneous groan, pressing her to-go cup to her lips. “I need to be beamed up, Scotty. This is getting too much.”

“Too much? Dude, what?”

Ellinor takes another long chug, and their walking gets faster. Oh no, she’s not getting out of this one.

“His sister is arriving today.”

“I thought you were excited to meet her.”

“I am! It’s just...It’s…” they round a corner, a back path to the area of campus where their buildings are located. “You know in movies and shit when people get introduced to other people and the mutual friend goes “ah, shit, this is...my...friend,” like all awkward? I realized this morning that he’s gonna have to do that.”

Olivia sighs, adjusting the position of her bag shoulder strap and hooking her thumb onto it. “And you want to be introduced as an important person.”

“Yes! I--NO!”

“Aha!” Olivia finger guns. Caught red-handed...or...hearted...whatever it is.

“That is not what I am having an issue with! Look, you were right, okay. I don’t want it to be this way. I need to nix it.”

Olivia dragged her shoe heel to a halt, eyes round and mouth agape. “The fuck?! Ellinor, how am I to blame for this?”

“Your text! You...with the thing...and the ‘is this what I want’ shit!”

“Ugh! Ellinor, Jesus Christ!” she grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her off to the side. They had entered a little park-like area, with a couple trees and a cheap looking sitting bench. Guiding -- no, yanking -- Ellinor to it, she slung her onto her ass and set down her coffee.

“Alright, Ellinor, gloves coming off.”

“What?”

“Gloves, off,” Olivia rolls her shoulders. She’s still feeling bouncy and strong from workout. “You keep saying the opposite of what you feel and it shows. You obviously like him, and he obviously likes you. Why are you acting like being an adult only means saying no? The fuck?” Olivia throws her arms up.

“I’m not! I’m just being practical! I don’t even know if would want to be anything else. He seems perfectly fine as it is!”

“Who said to be friends, Ellinor? Who? I’ll give you three guesses, the first two don’t count!”

The world seemed to stop turning. Olivia stood there, hunched forward in her shoulders, looking like she was lobbying on a Congressional floor that water was a basic human right. That same ardor, all for her best friend botching her love life. But Ellinor was squirming for all the wrong reasons. She was doing exactly what she did when things got too good: finding a reason to call it good, while they were ahead.

Ellinor bunches her knees together and sits back, pouting.

“I said it,” she mumbles.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear. Who?” Olivia holds a hand to the rim of her ear.

Ellinor purses her lips and looks off to the side, evading her eye. “I did…” another low tone.

“Uh, come again?”

“I did! Dammit!” she kicks the floor and folds her arms. “Shit, fuck, dammit…”

“BINGO! Ya’ll we got a winner!” The salt in her tone’s getting excessive, even for her own internal standards. Which, clearly, are immense. Deflating her tirade and taking a breath, Olivia puts her hands to her hips. Shifting from antagonist asshole friend to helpful soccer coach mom.

“Babe,” Olivia gives in, “maybe it’s time you listen to the Disney song and say you like him, and you know what you want from him.”

“Do I?” Ellinor asks as Olivia sits down next to her, thigh-against-thigh. She lays her head on Olivia’s shoulder. “I’m so confused I can barely think straight.”

“Hey, that’s less of a problem then you think.”

“Oh. Ha-ha, nice gay joke, funky little bisexual.”

Olivia giggles, and wraps her arm around hers. “Hey, it worked. And now, we’re gonna be late for class.”

“I know.”

They both sigh, and accept the inevitable. Each of them has their reasons. Ellinor probably doesn’t want to see Cullen and have all her existential agony to show off. Olivia just...wants to stop caring. The week has gone on logistically without a hitch, and her workaholic personality has ensured everything but her love and social life has gone smooth. Everything is on fire, but it’s fine. It’s so fine.

“Well, games are fun, right? We’ll have fun.”

Olivia stills, her cheeks flushing. It suddenly gets a whole lot hotter. “Uh, hey, about that…”

Ellinor twitches and sits up, looking at her with a pointed face of ‘oh god, please don’t.’ “Olivia…”

She cringes and bunches her shoulders. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“You said yesterday it’d be fine! That you were all good under the hood!”

She glares, but with a laugh in the back of her throat. “I didn’t say ‘all good under the hood.’ I have never said that in my damn life.”

“You! But you said! Ugh, unbelievable!” Ellinor let her hands fall up, then down onto her jeans, making a slapping down. “What’s going on? Did you talk to Cass?”

Cass. She calls her Cass all the time. It’s nice, but it’s not her. Cullen calls her Cass, too. They all call her Cass. Why not her? Why does she have to be extra and say ‘Cassandra’ all the damn time? For fuck’s sake.

“No, I haven’t. It’s still radio silence, but…” she teeters on whether or not to explain, but she figures it’s written all over her face anyways. Ellinor’s look of skeptical frustration says as much. “I saw her this morning.”

She pauses. Anticlimactic, so it seems. “You...saw her? Is that...a big deal?”

“No, it’s…” she rubs her hand against her scalp of tied-back hair. “It’s not that, really. It’s...how I saw her.”

Ellinor looks as if she’s about to hear a testimony of assisted homicide, as she turns to face her, criss-crossing her legs and picking her coffee up. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know that girl I told you about, the one Josie introduced me too?”

“Yeah, the creepy redhead. What about her...oh, oh no. Liv…” she scowls in sympathy, “they weren’t…”

Liv smiles with sadness and looks off to the grass in front of them. “They were at the coffee shop. What was supposed to be our coffee shop. At 7:45 in the morning, no less. You know what that means.”

“...morning after hookup coffee…” Ellinor whines a bit in secondhand misery. “Fuck. It can’t be.”

“I mean, I was wrong. I must be,” Olivia shrugs. “Or she’s having very fond friendships.” Very, very fond. 7:45 in the morning, dressed with makeup on and school bags packed fond. No one’s that fond without something that perked them up the morning before. Unless you were Ellinor Trevelyan and hated admitting feelings.

“The worst part,” she chuckles again, “the worst fucking part! Is that Leliana said she heard about me. My dumbass was like ‘oh, cool, Josie mentioned me,’ but no! It was! Her! That...that!” she stops before she gets carried away, gritting her teeth as she puts her coffee to her chin. “They must laugh about me. Goodness, why would she make a move on Cassandra, she’s clearly not interested and spoken for! Secret...CIA lesbians…”

Ellinor rolls her lips, choking on her laugh she so desperately wants to let out. They refrain from eye contact in order to save face.

“You might be jumping to conclusions, maybe? They could be friends. Josie and her seemed tight, and you don’t know if this Leliana person is even--”

“I texted Theia after I saw them. She’s ‘one of us.’ And pretty, and sophisticated, and...has leadership roles. I look like a chipmunk and Marilyn Manson had a love child on a good day.”

Ellinor gasped, and slapped her in the thigh. “Olivia Berenice, shut up! What the hell! Whatever this woman has going for her, you’re hot, okay? Hot, and brilliant, and cultured!”

“I’m a chipmunk!”

Ellinor roars and starts tickling her in the side, but she only groans and squirms like a gangling preteen without proper cognitive awareness. But, laughter does take hold, and she even snorts.

“Fine, fine! I’m not a chipmunk!” she wiggles, “I just! I’m mad. I’m mad that I’m mad. I shouldn’t be jealous of something that wasn’t mine to begin with. But here I am, sulking and pouting, going ‘but that’s MY spare bike helmet she’s probably wearing, riding on the back of her motorcycle.’ I want to bury myself alive. This shit blows.” She sips more of her mocha, but the sweetness is no longer satisfying. The taste of resentment and unresolved bisexuality overtakes the white chocolate.

“It...it does blow,” Ellinor admits, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. “Damn.”

“So, forgive me, but I don’t think me showing up tonight will be good. Or necessary. I’m just gonna be that awkward friend that Cullen wants to be nice to but also respect his roommate’s choices. And from what I gather of Leliana, she’ll probably just go Avril Lavigne and kick me into the mini-golf lagoon.”

That evokes a laugh, but a sorry one. Pity. Ellinor downs the rest of her chai and slides her feet over the edge of the bench, boots barely touching down on the dirt. “That means I’ll be on my own with Rosalie, probably. Fuck.”

“Hey, that’s not a bad thing. You’re cute, and funny. From what I’ve heard of her, she’ll probably look at you like the sun shines out your ass. A grunge babe, out in the world and getting educated. Yeah…” she teases, a crooked and charming smile.

Ellinor groans. “I’m a mess, is what I am. She’ll see me twenty yards out and go ‘shit, what’s that hot mess express doing out here in public?’ and Cullen will go, ‘hey, that’s my friend! My friendly friend, who I only have friendship for. The friendliest friend to ever...friend…” she gets sadder the more she talks, as does her posture. It’s disheartening to see her spin and spin and spin, rather than just cut herself a break.

“Ell, you gotta put yourself outta your misery,” Olivia concludes, pulling her phone out. “And I don’t mean by taking a break.”

“There’s no way to know if I’ll be more miserable for indulging myself, though. I’ll just jump out into the water and fall flat on my face.”

“Or, he could catch you, like he’s been trying and offering to this whole damn time.”

“That’s not true!”

“Ughhh, Ellinooorr,” Olivia falls forward into her lap, her head hung low. “Christ alive.”

“It’s not! He doesn’t look a touch uncomfortable with being friends.”

“Yeah, because so far friends has gotten him a spooning-mate for what, three nights?”

“Two!”

“Two! My God, forget about it, nevermind!”

They roll their eyes at the same time but for contrasting reasons. Olivia, fed up a bit by the circular direction of the conversation, would rather go to class and risk being locked out for her delinquency. “Come on, to class, binch.”

Ellinor lays her head back but pushes herself up, dragging her feet but carrying on. When they’re back on the sidewalk, fresh air in their lungs, things feel a bit less useless.

“But that also means he’s probably sick of me making demands,” Ellinor speaks again after about a minute of walking. “If I try to reset the boundaries, he’ll probably think I’m too bossy or something.”

“The man likes to be bossed,” Olivia says rather mercilessly, “I’ve never seen a guy with a more apparent invisible “peg me” sign on his forehead.”

“Olivia!!”

“What?!” she shrugs, “there’s a nobility in getting pegged.”

“Yeah? And what would you be, if Cassandra was involved?” a sharp, cutting response. Maybe Olivia hit a nerve too far.

She sighs. “The best peggers know when it’s their turn to get pegged,” she answered, “I do not possess such talents. The force is not with me.”

They come to the short concrete walkway to Olivia’s building and stop. People walk past, closer so that they have to be more secretive with their highly classified discussion.

“The force could be in you, maybe,” she giggles crassly, “uh, I mean, pour one out for your pegging skills,” side-stepping towards the path where she must walk alone. “You sure you don’t wanna go, dude? It’ll be a crowd, and you can spend all your time with Rosalie if you want to. I might need the help if she turns out hating my guts.”

Olivia slides her hands into her jean pockets and looks around. No one familiar, no one worth her attentions. Good.

“I’m sorry, Ellinor. I’m recovering, and I’m a hell of a lot better than I was last weekend, but...I don’t think I can see her. See them...at least, not like that.” The sight of Cassandra playing soccer was still sacred to her. The first real sight she ever got of her in action, and the epicenter of happier times with Ellinor on the grass sipping drinks and fantasizing about their love stories.

“Okay. Text me, alright? If you change your mind I can just swing around and come get you.”

“No worries. I’m probably gonna drive home tonight, actually. I got my dress for the gala, I just need to go spend time with Mother dearest.”

“Ugh, really?”

“Yeah. I know,” she huffs, looking up at the third floor windows where her lecture is being held without her. “Time to wake up and get on with life. You, at least, are still holding out.”

“Psh! No,” Ellinor make a ‘yikes face.’ “I’m on thin ice right next to you.”

Olivia stares at her, a brow raised. “Ellinor.”

“...what?”

She shakes her head, and turns her shoulders towards the doors that await her. “I’ll put it this way: I walked out on my person after demanding space once, and she came back around. I did it again, and I lost everything good about it in fear of facing the ‘maybe’ bad stuff. Don’t be me, checking messages that are a week old, hoping that I somehow missed one. Don’t get your heart smashed into the sidewalk when you see him out with someone else because you didn’t know what you may have had. Please.”

It pains her to say it out loud, but it’s true. The week was a yellow-brick road of life lessons learned all-too-late. If she could go back, she’s unsure of what she’d do. Maybe not kiss her, maybe still try but then ask what was wrong. Talk to her. Listen. God, listen better. But it’s too late -- or, it’s too close to being too late, and she can’t keep doing this to herself.

Ellinor frowns, as if she is about to tear up. Olivia grins and pats her on the shoulder. “Hey, go to class, kid.”

“Okay. Text me, please? Let me know when you’re on the road and when you’re home.”

“I will. Love you, bestie.”

“You too, bestie.”

And with that, they part ways, Olivia retreating into her sacred building, called Tifton Hall by everyone else. The stairs sound better than an elevator, and when she gets to the third floor, she sees that class was let out early. Great, so it was no use showing up. She climbs back to the second floor where the faculty offices are along with the TA office desk and inboxes. If she can get nothing else out of being there, she can check for any last minute notes. She’s been a horrible TA -- it’s been over a week since she checked it.

Nothing’s there, though, with the exception of a red post-it. Some Professor’s shorthanded nonsense, probably. Ripping it from the box and sticking it on her finger, though, the truth is revealed:

“Stopped by to drop off things for a Professor. Hope you’re having a good day. -C”

Her throat nearly closes, or so it feels. It must have been old. She looks on the back, and true to Cassandra’s erudite character, it’s dated. The day before last Friday. The day they hadn’t seen each other, or text, really. Turns out her distance wasn’t so far.

She looks down either end of the hallway -- no one’s there to make fun of her for what she is about to do. She pulls out her favorite notebook and presses it to the inside cover. The last thing she’ll ever have, for when she starts to forget it was ever real.

God, Ellinor, don’t fuck up like I have.

Time to put headphones in and marathon King Princess, St. Vincent, and Halsey, her sapphic patroness Saints, until she feels too heartless to care. A playlist on her Spotify made by Sera for her last fallout with a girl, titled “Girl Troubles, Dedicated to Baby Liv.”

[thelifeofkaiblog]

Name 5 tv shows you watch a lot

•*•*• 20th June 2017 •*•*•

5 shows that I watch frequently….

• “Law & Order: SVU” - Olivia Benson and Odafin “Fin” Tutuola are amazing! The others are cool too, but OB & OT have been in it since the beginning - with OT joining in season 2, I think. He replaced Michelle Hurd’s character and she went on to star in Blindspot, which I occasionally watch. I was conflicted about the original partnership between OB and Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni) because ES was often too aggressive and it bothered me that OB’s character kept backing him up, even when his actions were questionable at best. That said, in more recent seasons (since ES left SVU), she has remarked on how her old partner would bend the rules and it wasn’t right. I was also very happy when OB adopted a baby/toddler, rather than the typical “meet someone, get married/pregnant, etc.” The show made it clear that it was tough and balancing a highly demanding job with being a single parent was never easy.

• “Criminal Minds” - I love the relationship Penelope Garcia and Derek Morgan have; I also think Garcia’s positive attitude, quirky style and the fact she’s not super slim like the others is perfect. I think the characters develop well through the series, though I never liked Lola Glaudini’s character and was quite relieved when she left. I also felt Thomas Gibson’s portrayal of the team leader seemed quite stiff and couldn’t warm up to “Jason Gideon” (Mandy Patinkin), so I was never really emotionally invested in their characters. I think everyone has a nice relationship with Dr Spencer Reid, with most being protective of his awkwardness and fact-spouting, but the relationship between him and JJ is particularly sweet. I find the behavioural analysis intriguing, though, and I’ve been hooked on it for years (same as L&O: SVU). I also enjoy the “Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders” show - I adore “Mae” and I think the group dynamic is nice. CM: BB has a small team of 5 and CM has a larger team varying between 7 and 10 members at a time, roughly.

• “iZombie” - Squish and I starters watching this on Netflix a while ago, just as one of those “pass the time”/“is probably cringey” shows. It is pretty cringey, but we did end up liking it enough to keep up-to-date on the episodes. Rose McIver looks awesome with the platinum hair (wig), super pale skin and dark eye makeup. I also quite like Peyton and Ravi’s characters, though I hope they unjumble the mess. As for Blaine, I hated him at first, then the character grew on me and now I’m undecided - I saw the actor first on Once Upon A Time (Netflix), which I used to binge-watch, but haven’t for a while.

• “Orange is the New Black” - this is tricky. I never jumped on the bandwagon with it, but I do like watching it with Squish. I’ve only seen the newer seasons and a some episodes of the first ones. I don’t like Piper, Alex or Ruby Rose’s character. I don’t understand the craze, but hey. I loved Samira Wiley’s character and I really connected with “Taystee”.

• "NCIS: LA” - Kensi (Daniela Ruah) is badass and she has to be in a relationship with Deeks (Eric Olsen), her real-life brother-in-law, so fair play to them and her husband (Eric’s brother) who is Deeks’ stunt double! I also like the team dynamic here, with Hetty (Linda Hunt) always being taken seriously regardless of her appearance, Sam (LL Cool J) and (Chris O'Donnell) Callen’s relaxed friendship, and the weird (but totally worthwhile) Nell and Eric moments.

I’ll add a 6th program, but I only watch the new episodes now, as I’ve seen all of the others multiple times and can’t keep rewatching all of them, unlike Criminal Minds and L&O: SVU, where there are only a handful I can’t sit through again.

• "Murdoch Mysteries” - I used to watch “Sue Thomas: FB Eye”, loosely based on the real Sue Thomas who was a deaf woman working for the FBI. Deanne Bray portrayed ST and Yannick Bisson was her co-worker and love interest. YB stars as Detective William Murdoch (so, similar profession to his ST: FBE character, just different century). I immediately liked the relationship Murdoch and the medical examiner, Dr Julia Ogden (Hélène Joy), develop throughout the series, while they solve murders. I supported the show’s growth with characters learning to accept homosexuality, sex workers and women working in traditionally male roles. I also liked that Julia insisted on having Rebecca James (an intelligent medical student who was a black female) as her assistant, despite resistance from some of the bosses, due to racism and sexism in the late 1800s - early 1900s. I like Constance George Crabtree’s quirkiness and was pleased with the pairing of him and Julia’s temporary successor Dr Emily Grace, but *SPOILER* her storyline went in a bisexual direction and she left the show. My brother and I used to watch the earlier episodes together.

Two final shows that I’ll add:

• "Midsomer Murders” (set in England) - I preferred the John Nettles’ “Detective Chief Inspector (DCI) Tom Barnaby” episodes, but that’s because I was used to him, I suppose. He retired from the show after several years and someone was cast as his cousin, another detective. He’s alright and I still like the shows, but it’s not quite the same. I don’t watch it regularly.

• “Murder, She Wrote” - Angela Lansbury is a legend. I was always excited to watch M,SW with my grandparents, particularly my (late) grandad when I was staying with them or they were visiting us. I loved every gentle, body, caring, stubborn, intelligent, creative and friendly aspect of the main character “Jessica Fletcher” (AL). She was an amateur sleuth, always (solving) “interfering” in cases with bumbling detectives, after writing successful murder mystery novels and developing an investigative talent. A show that was somewhat similar was “Columbo” with Peter Falk. I loved that show too, as did my grandad, but we didn’t watch it as often. Columbo always played oblivious, so the suspects rarely realised he was on to them until he stitched them up.

[swearronchanel]

Tired of these yet? A Christmas journey in March with 4.09

I’ve actually been productive today *claps* I’m the worst™ and a procrastinator to the core, so it was about damn time I got shit done. Plus+ I ran out of clean jeans so that was some motivation to do laundry & once I started moving I just kept going haha. But today I watched the Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher’s memorial & omg it was so emotional ugh. Now that I’m so sad I guess I’m going to watch Call the Midwife. Care to join me?

I closed my eyes and pointed to the episode list, looks like we’re watching 4.09 aka the 2015 Christmas special

I don’t have to pretend very hard that it’s Christmas because it was like 17 degrees f the other day lol

Am I the only one who hums along in their head to the theme song? ok nvm

Aw a baby

Tom is actually in church lol, we rarely see him there

Sister MJ lol, what is she looking for?!

Sister Winifred actually cooks/bakes pretty often

SISTER EVANGELINA 😭💔 I still miss her

Sister Winifred aka queen of cringey facial expressions, I love it

Ah no! the death joke is no longer funny sister E 😭😭 rip💔

My bby Trixie on the scene😍

What is quality street? I looked it up before but forgot. Candy right?

whoops is my American showing

I hope Sister MC comes back soon☹️

“Behold, I have located the Brandy” three cheers for alcohol 🍻 I wouldn’t choose brandy though what am I a rich old business man at a country club?

Lol Sister MJ & Sister W giggling so pure !

“You give us enough gip when you’re stone cold sober“😂 same

Gremlin kids in the front haha

Oh no😂 Babs gave them all candy and now has to make them spit it out😂

Aw I love Christmas

But looking at this snow is triggering even if it’s fake😭😂

WE’VE HAD SO MUCH THIS MONTH HERE & IT’S MARCH❄️

yikes these kids are awful, who let them up there! 😭😂

SHELAGH’S FACE 😂 SHE IS DISGUSTED OMG HAHAA

Patrick laughing so hard like same 😭😂

Welp he’s lucky, Saved by the bell thanks to Trixie

Doesn’t Sister MJ explode whatever’s in the pot?

Ahh Shelagh looks so good™!😍 I love when they dress her up!

In other news, Laura tweeted me, which means she knows I exists. What a time to be alive™😭✨👏🏼you know I was shook

Angela so precious aww, I hope my future baby is that pretty

Now I just think of The Crown when I see Mrs Willens *she’s in it if you haven’t watched*

Oh no Sister MJ!!! 😭😭 why are they always giving her illnesses! Dejala sola!

She was legit ill in the first Christmas special 😭

Love Trixie’s ponytail, why Patsy’s hair a mess tho? LOL I SHOULDN’T BE TALKING

I’m a walking ball of frizz. And when I don’t wash my hair for a few days it actually dread locks 😂 gotta love curls

Aw Delia’s not here- I forgot she cracked her head open and went back to Wales

Protect Sister MJ at every cost

Violet literally sewing Fred’s ass into the Santa pants 😂😂😂 fun fact they  did that to Olivia Newton John in Grease

not sure if I knew that because I have a junk brain of useless information or because I’m trash that reads buzzfeed

Violet’s been wearing blue eyeshadow for 3 series

“I’m not biting this, it’s too close to your backside” lol okay vi give it time. You’ll be cringeyly very handsy with each other in a bit anyway 😂

She’d do it now with no hesitation I bet

I’m here for their relationship tho😂

SISTER MJ HAD PNEUMONIA IN SERIES 1 DID SHE NOT?

Ugh distaval, fuck that. Just wait and see what chaos it brings

Aw Pats looking at the photo of Delia💔 oo wait that was a parallel then in the Cuban missile Crisis episode this series

PHYLLIS !! I missed her presence lol

Tom’s opening letter from bbc it’s lit

also: he looks good™

Poor Sister MJ! What are they feeding you, liver ew

Ah I forgot, this is when they get the tv😭

Poor Babs can’t go home for Christmas

You’ll have the nonnatus fam❤️❤️

“All should head home” *breaks out into song* THERE’S NOOO PLACE LIKE HOMEEE, FOR THE HOLIDAYSSS

Which is true because NYC is pretty beautiful at Christmas time, I can’t deny that

But also is when 100000x more people are visiting 🙃and stop in front of you when you’re walking to take pictures 🙃 *clenches fists* moving on..

Lol Tom you need to be more clear on this, they’re not getting it

Sister J shut him down 😂

“Mrs Mop” lmfao this BBC guy is a jerk😂

Laura’s another queen of facial expressions

“Aesthetics are vital” I feel

Aw Shelagh so cute being defensive of the kids of poplar

Lets be real though Shelagh’s always adorable bc Laura is an actual angel

pink wafers aye

i still have been craving them lol, there’s no bodega’s around my university though☹️

Angela is giggling, was this the last time we heard her make a noise lol

Wait this is when Sister MJ runs away

yikes measles

when did the vaccine become a thing then? that mmr shot ugh

Glad I got it because there’s supposedly someone with mumps on my campus like wtf

Why was Sister E so harsh yelling at Sister Mj!? That was unnecessary !!

LET 👏🏼SISTER 👏🏼MJ 👏🏼DECORATE👏🏼FOR👏🏼CHRISTMAS 👏🏼AND👏🏼WATCH 👏🏼TELEVISON !!

I’m so protective of her, stop😢😢

She doesn’t deserve that 💔

Sometimes I forget Patsy’s name is Patience

Fred’s Santa beard is gross ew😂😂

yikes an enema

I’d rather die

Oh no, there she goes *sings* there she goessss todayyy

Yes Babs lollipops are fascinating

She just slipped that baby out

I want to go to London at Christmas time

I love lights ✨✨

Delia! What up Bitch where you been!

BUT WAIT I HAVE A COAT THAT LOOKS REALLY SIMILAR TO MRS BUBSY’S LOL

It’s vintage too, i love it, makes me feel fabulous af

until I remember it’s probably a dead woman’s coat

WATCHING THEM LET THE BABY JUST HANG MAKES ME SO ANXIOUS OMG

“You clever girl!”

Aw poor iris 😭💔

Violet is actually so sweet & we don’t see much of her w/o Fred like why 

Everyone on this show is so sweet and pure !!! I just love it too much!

remember when I was normal and didn’t care so much about television? Yea me neither 😅

Sister MJ is gone

ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO PUT UP THE TREE!!

that necklace and sapphire ring were so pretty though 😭 wish my mom had a sapphire ring for me to inherit 

Shelagh is too pretty for this grey suit, where’s the navy one?!

I will never be comfortable with cookies being called biscuits tbh

“No dogs!” “If it can’t sing silent night I’m not interested”  SHELAGH IS GOLDEN

SHE HAS SOME GREAT LINES BUT GIVE HER MORE !!

Oh Hay Peter

if you think about it Miranda Hart put this poor guy out of a job. Like he used to have more screen time lol but he can’t be around much with out her

“Very like a family in fact” 😭 I love when they call themselves family cause they are !!

Wait rehearsing before school? Ugh that must have been so early 😂

I couldn’t have been in that choir. In high school I woke up at 6:45am everyday & started at 8:05am & only lived 2 blocks away but I still got there at 9:15am 🙃

plus I’m an awful singer 😂

“She probably thought her habit would keep her safe”

Sister Mary Cynthia says that about her self the next series when she’s attacked 😢

Babs was right though! She was just excited bendito 😭😭

How much is a bob?? £??

I barely can keep up with how many $ is a £ tbh

Lolol had to check when I donated to Laura’s fundraising 😂😂

Delia has been with this big ass bun for 3 series as well

The cafe they’re in is aesthetically pleasing

so Delia’s mom is hella protective but didn’t notice she left to another town lol??

well I guess they’re even now since patsy left & then lost contact for a bit

LET ME TELL YOU, THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED THIS EPISODE I WAS SCREAMINGGG

I THOUGHT THEY HAD KILLED SISTER MJ AND WAS FREAKING TF OUT ™

I’m trying to think of what Phyllis’s hat reminds me of

I wanna say Mary Poppins 

IT’S NOT SISTER MJ👏🏼

I knew it wasn’t but still!!!

Is Shelagh wearing lipstick? i’m here for it!

but I don’t like her dress

@ wardrobe/costume ppl be nicer to my bby pls

“Well, there’s just a word that no-one likes singing. It’s in that line and it begins with a "b”’ 😂 lmaooo c'mon Tim 😂😂

He was talking about breast feeding like how many episodes ago why is he embarrassed now? 😂

Patrick laughing 😭 me as a parent tbh

Poor sickly Sister MJ 💔

My bbys Trixie and Shelagh are ¡interacting!! 💕😍

How do I get my hair to look like Trixie’s/Helen’s

SORRY CANCELED

Lol jk all will be well bby

SISTER MJ REALLY OUT HERE IN THE WOODS, LIKE HOW ??

Ah Shelagh’s dressed up again! Love it 😍 and she’s wearing earrings & matching pearls!! so pretty!! 💕💕

this has been an episode of gushing over Laura sorry not sorry

Look at her hat, she can wear anything

LMAO HE WASN’T EVEN PETER PAN GET OUT OF HERE MAN

You have to be impressed that this 80 yr old woman with dementia found her childhood home

for real though I want Shelagh’s coat

mrs willens + shelagh was kinda a friendship & was cute

“Well I stopped holding out against that happiness, didn’t I?"💔💖

people on this show are always holding hands platonically & romantically like how sweet and pure !?

"Almost all the world was before your time child … you are concerned to see it last a little longer”

Hell yea lets get it, round up the nuns and nurses lets SING !!

“But it sometimes seems to me the older I get, the more I have to learn” 😭

“We get so much out of love, we find strength in it and courage. Love is our foundation and our fuel”

DAMN IT WHY IS THE WRITING SO GREAT??!

HEIDI CAN WRITE MY EUOLGY SINCE SHE’LL BE THE CAUSE OF MY ACTUAL DEATH WHEN THIS SHOW IS  OVER ONE DAY *WHICH IS HOPEFULLY NEVER, ..I MEAN DAYS OF OUR LIVES IS ON SEASON 50 SO IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE🙃🙃*

shelagh and sister j❤️❤️ so pure. I love their relationship + moments together

BUT I STILL *NEED* TRIXIE & SHELAGH TO HAVE A REAL FRIENDSHIP + ACTUAL SCENES TOGETHER

no sister, it’s not your fault that she ran away😢

broadcast about to be lit

Why did we never see Trixie giving Barbara a makeup lesson😭😂

Trixie getting excited about putting makeup on Babs like same 😂I like helping people with makeup *even though I’m not even that good haha*

“Oh some lipstick might be nice, with a touch of gay geranium you’d look quite like Jean Simmons” SISTER W SNEAKS OUT TO THE MOVIE THEATRE ON HER DAYS OFF AND NO ONE WILL CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE OK

PHYLLIS GARGLING OMG

WHY IS IT SO FUNNY 😂

yea sister E I’m sorry you were kinda bitchy

I’m sorry to call a fictitious nun a bitch oops lol

SHE’S GOING TO REDEEM HERSELF AND FIND SISTER MJ THOUGH SO IT’S OKAY!! 😭👏🏼👏🏼

Tom is so handsome! i think the collar distracts you from noticing though haha

What does wet behind the ears mean and why does it sound cringey?

on the next episode of I didn’t know I was pregnant: Christmas miracles in Poplar

No but for real it seriously was a show on TLC😂 I had a phase where I watched like every show on that channel

“Antonia! Nanny found a bible in your room again” so?? like you wish she would’ve found drugs or something?

Ugh I don’t think Sister MJ will live 3 more series & I WILL BE A WRECK™ WHEN SHE DIES

Surprise! you’re pregnant & will give birth in the next 12 mins before this show ends

imagine omg never mind not feeling safe Iris I’d be freaking tf out

I told you sister Julienne just shows up and speaks and you just feel calm

“Love is not going to be halved, but doubled” I swear someone says this again in another episode but I can’t remember

maybe I’m lying idk

The Fred + Sister E dynamic was golden

what is Sister Evangelina holding?

it looks like a bong tbh

Sister MJ saying pawning her mother’s jewels was an “interesting experience"😂 dios te bengida, she needs to always be protected  

aw pats & deels reunited *and it feeelsss so gooddd*

Fred saying rigging this raffle is immoral like HE WASNT THE BIGGEST SCAMMER IN POPLAR

I was here for it though lol😂

Phyllis gargling 😂😂

Wait omg she has earrings on how precious!

I always notice when girls/women don’t have their ears pierced because I didn’t realize for the longest time that it’s mainly just hispanics that get their ears pierced when they’re babies😂 I’ve had mine since I was six weeks old👶🏼

"Beatrix Franklin, midwife of mystery” aka my bby and ray of sunshine✨😭

it’s all good though, Trixie has Christopher, Tom has Babs, now where’s my handsome Englishman??

cue Vanessa Redgrave

“Sometimes the route to joy is indirect, our journey home not quite as we expected. There is no magic star to guide our steps, no ancient prophecies to predict our way. The greatest gift is to know that we travel not alone, but in the company of others. That there are hands as can reach for and hearts to keep us warm..”

Laura’s angelic voice blessing™ me on this Saturday night

I need it after being degenerate every other day of the week

*sings loudly* CHRISTTTTTTTT THEEEE SAVIORRRR IS BORNNNNNN

AHH I WANT CHRISTMAS NOW ! + THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 

patsy lowkey snuggled up on Phyllis I love it

Trixie is serving looks in the corner 😍!

I still want those hoop earrings she has!

And they finally got a tv😭👏🏼

“And the family gathered round, watching their faces flicker black and white. Their very presence in the room an act of love, a welcome home”

*BANGS FISTS ON AN IMAGINARY TABLE* THIS SHOW IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND PURE AND IF YOU DISAGREE WE CAN FIGHT

I love it

Now I must go. until next time..