#the dream i had abt him wasnt rly like happy or anything but it was a dream with him in it

[enlighten3d]

LISTENING TO FILE 10 OF THE TRAIN TO CALECO HILL. BE WARNED !! SPOILERS AHEAD!!

will be editing the post instead of reblogging o7

liveblog below the cut (:

oh no. medical room. why.

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NOOO HIS LEGS. get a fucking mobility aid. (prolly wouldnt have helped in this case lmao)

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YES BE MAD AT HER. THATS SO FUCKING VALID OF YOU.

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the monster WAS her wasnt it...

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yeeessss tash yesssss recognise the faults in relationships you fucking deserve to be mad. you fucking deserve it. yes.

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relatable, tash. relatable. i cant remember anything either 👍

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NO YOU HAD IT BEFORE. YOU BROUGHT CEDRIC ON THE TRAIN W YOU, TASH... THE TRAIN IS FUCKING W YOU.. how well do you remember the station, tash... you havent mentioned any of the ppl you knew since.. file 2 or 3..... love are you okay.

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THE TRAIN IS HIS HOME HE BELONGS HERE 💥 (for now)

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gods tash sounds so. different this episode. i mean this in the way that hes finally fed up and. hes at the end of his tether. and. whndkxjksdkssjdjf hes. this is good, this is fascinating...

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this guy needs a shock blanket

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this guy also needs friends

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HE ALSO NEEDS TO NOT DIE AND END UP AT CALECO HILL - (/theory)

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ooohh the dream changed...

oh thats ominous. different colours?? does that indicate a... Change of some sort? it rly feels like it does.... man.

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you know who can see (or at least are sensitive to it) ultraviolet light? axolotls. (/j. axolotl tash propaganda /silly)

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WHAT THE FUCK

OKAY THAT WAS A SLIGHT JUMPSCARE

what the fuck was that

HI OWL GIRL

wait

wait

wait

wait

wait

ait

wait

IS TASH GETTING A MOBILITY AID?? FINALLY???????? AUWBFHZHDNDNZUDIAIDJDKSKCJDJ????????

oH MY GODS

i AM OVERJOYED. ‼️‼️‼️

WEIRD CREEPY NOISES INCE THE DOOR OPENS BUT HES GOT A CANE GUYS AAAAAJSHDNFKF

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SPINDLY LEGS?? WHAT??? WHDJSKFHSJ??

oh he does not trust owl girl anymore

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.spooky. spooky cane... monster cane... oh i love that...

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GLOWING. G L O W I N G

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ALBER!! SPOOKY MONSTER GLOWING CANE HAS A NAME!!!

please do be aware that figg 100% named that after their own cane (which is named albert)

AAAA TASH HAS A MOBILITY AID IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM ‼️‼️‼️

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ahajdjs "please stop glowing.." mate i dont think it will...

i love spooky glowing cane

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exactly the right height... alber i love you you are magical (literally)

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THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO, TASH. NO SOUND OF THE TRAIN ROLLING. READ MY FUCKING MIND AHDJJDD

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WHAT IS W H A T. TASH. TASH.

book??????? BOOOK????

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owl girl kleptomaniac moment

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FAMILIAR?? oh this is not gonna go well.

diary. diary. oh no. ohhh boy. habdjfkd

its his isnt it. it is. isnt it. a.

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june 20, 2019. anna. naming things. this is tash. leave where.the station, right??

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FOREST?? TOWN?? is. is this village tash theory. please say it is. a.

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nooo its not ): its rhe Station (which was also a thought that i had so)

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itttsss tash. his diary. before he forgor

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"hello again, anna" ITS EXACTLY HOW HE SAYS HI TO CEDRIC EVERY TIME AA

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RENÉE MENTION ‼️‼️ wow its been a while

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fuck, tash is desperate to have someone care abt him ):

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cody and lana... more mentions...

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The Train

oh gods. oh gods he does not sound okay. tasshhhh ):

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OH GODS, ME JUMPSCARE- i forgot that my voice is gonna be in this lmao

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lana time [:

(hi its me im lanas va lmao)

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AAND IT JUST ENDS?? OH BOY SHFNDJ

AAAAA OKAY THAT WAS. A LOT. HOLY FUCK???

okay so. recap of what happened: tash is not dead, hes pissed at owl girl (rightfully), the dream Changed, he got a spooky cane named alber (‼️‼️‼️), owl girl gave him his diary and hes Remembered things, lana showed up, theres someone named mr 22

ouhh boy this sure was a finale

THE CLIFFHANGER WHYYYYYYYYY (i fully knew this was coming lmao)

AWHDHSKFUJSNDJANFBANDIXHSJJRKWDK HOW AM I MEANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TMRW WITH ALL THIS BRAINROT

[strawberryseeded]

just watched maxxxine 2024 w my sis.. i wasnt expecting much bc i havent heard absolutely anything abt the movie since it came out, but tbh i was still disappointed considering i rly liked the other 2 movies from the series (x 2022 and pearl 2022). p much everything abt the movie was lackluster, from the setting and vibes to the characters, plot, and even maxine's own character arc. some gory scenes were nice, but not all of them, and they were few to begin with.. tbh it didnt even feel like an horror movie, it was honestly more of a detective/crime movie so even the genre was off

my biggest complain its that it wasnt scary at all. it didnt even make me feel tense.. :/ like dont get me wrong i wanted maxine to survive, i like her character (tho thats mostly cos i know her from x 2022. maxxxine 2023 wasnt rly good at showing her best attributes), but the stakes werent that well presented imo.

edit!! alsoooo (SPOILERS) its like they couldnt pick what theme to rly focus on???

1st we got her trauma as a massacre survivor (from x 2022): her survivor guilt, her overly defensive/ paranoid attitude (that, sidenote, was justified in the movie bc of the stalker situation), her will to make it all worth it. this was present, especially at the beggining, but BARELY (the knife alley guy scene was nice (but, again, not scary) and the mask mold making scene was actually good but the scenario was so fuckin dumb....... who leaves someone alone like that while they have all that covering their face??? the person could be claustrophobic? they could freak out, faint. if not, someone could go wrong anyways. they could be allergic, the substance could get into their nose or mouth and make them choke?? like seriously no one would leave you alone in that situation. AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE MASK'S PURPOSE. they didnt even need one for that scene!!!!!!!! you cant even see from the neck down!!!!!!!)... and then they did Nothing with it. actually Nothing.

then we got maxxxine's past which she run away from: her upbringing which she was grateful for but wasnt gonna make her happy (aka, a star), a father who potentially loved her but didnt accept her, her catholic guilt roots. all that..... so much potential n was so poorly done. the father dude was so not scary not before nor after the reveal (which btw i saw coming from miles ago, not that that was bad). he didnt even feel like maxines father tbh???? he was just some crazy religious dude. it almost came off as if he was delusional and he was the only one who believed maxine was his daughter?? idk the emotional connection between them was srsly lacking.. and yeah maxine shoots him but AFTER that detective lady (super dumb character and "subplot" btw....) shoots him to the ground. it was p much over by the time maxine goes to him and even if she recognizes the impact he had on her when she was a child, its ultimately just words, its not rly impactful bc we see nothing beyond that homemade video. idk.

and finally we got the "i deserve being a star and i will do whatever it takes" angle, which was present the whole time and, again, they did NOTHING with it. actually after havimg watched the teaser/trailer i THOUGHT this was gonna be the angle. like, with pearl 2022 it was abt this country girl that can do nothing but dream abt being a star so when she fails she breaks down and ends up... like that. instead, maxxxine its about a girl who CAN do more than dream about it, who is willing to do anything to get what she wants bc shes a survivor! bc she went thought it all! bc she deserves it! bc she did everything for it! and she succeds! and its horrific and tragic but also you want that for her bc she wants it more than anything and FIGHTS for it! ........but it was none of that. WHICH ITS FINE it didnt have to be that, specifically. but instead, if was not much at all??

[pandapupremade]

not even 2pm and today is awful (not anyoens fault, just . bad vibes everywhere. planets aren’t aligned or something idk) but im gonna choose to focus on the positive

silly shin-ah saturday

[amjustagirl]

hi nikki jie i finally finished rereading dream catcher and omg askdkskjdjsa iM -

wOW it was absolutely incrediblee im so full of emotions rn asfjsk i read ch 5 & 6 just now when i was otw to sch to study before cca (pls omg my heart was in shambles i had to take a few min to compose myself aft i reached the library 😭) then i just read the last chapter otw home and im so !!!!! i think ch 6 would be my absolute fave, maybe cuz that was like the climax of the whole story haha, but like it was such a roller coaster like omg all the intensity of keiji trying to save her, and then my soul was healed when they were talking in that dreamscape and him finALLY realizing he was in love with her, and then you stabbed me through the heart when his memories started slipping away 😭 and like this trope of a character giving up their memories of their beloved just to save them has soo much angst potential but is too underrated and you used it so beautifully here and my heart was physically aching while i was waiting for my bus T^T aND ch 7 when akaashi was so upset he still couldnt remember her name, and when he finally heard toya-chan at the florist askdjsj omg my heart!! 🥺❤️ i love all the flower languages and all the sky and celestial imageries that you used here and it was really soo beautiful when akaashi was realizing he was in love with her,, and i also loved how you described all the surroundings (i felt his nostalgia when he visited her village, the shrine dreamscape, the forest shrine) in ch5 especially like it felt sO REAL and there was such a clear image in my head it was amazing,, i think the reveal of her being the florist didnt hit me as hard this time cuz i reread it already knowing it was her, but i remember being so shookt the first time i read it and being so impressed that everything was soo well thought out,, i absolutely loved it and im really glad i reread it heh

oh and omg i almost forgot to mention but if it wasnt obvious i absolutely adore moriko??? i really love how she views the world, how she makes everything so simple; time should be spent with the people you love, and you should do things that make you happy, her deciding to become a florist simply because she loved the look on people's faces when they bought flowers 🥺 she's so reckless and brave and sweet and she's just absolutely perfect 😭

AND you must be annoyed cuz this is like the 192388th time im saying this but 'when the sun loves the moon'??? IM RLY SO EXCITED OMG YOU HAVE NO IDEA askdksjsj ill be looking forward to it!!!! i cant wait to see the outtakes too 😆

and aaa i saw you've been feeling lonely while your husband is back at ns why must sg do this 😭 is he gonna be back soon ? either ways, i hope you feel better soon!! have a good weekend nikki jie!! ❤️ ~ ann :>

i'm just...speechless that you'd even take the time to re-read dream catcher. i think it's one of the pieces that i still can't believe i was capable of writing, especially chapters 6 and 7 - the dreamscape and akaashi's memories returning back to him is prob the best writing i've ever produced LOL (is it shameless of me to say that?)

but yeah i think bcos the fic is set up like a romance-mystery, bcos it has a non-linear timeline, i really had to plot the whole thing out, leave little clues here and there, rely very heavily on the imagery like flowers and sky and stars and fire to really carry the story. it's definitely another instance of me torturing akaashi, but i think his character lends itself very well to a fic like this. i love love the trope of losing your memories to save someone - i think i grew up watching a lot of hk dramas and i can't pinpoint which it happened in, but this trope really stuck HAHA. and yeah there's so much angst, delicious angst there isn't it!

and omg moriko moriko, that reckless, wise, sweet forest nymph. she's...definitely has the sunniness (like bokuto) and i think that initially draws akaashi in, but she has q a lot of layers bcos she's brave and strong yet doesn't even think anything abt her strength, and that's what i think is amazing abt her. she's someone who marches to the beat of her own drum, she doesn't give a flying fuck about the world thinks. she's just unabashedly herself. that's what akaashi ends up falling head over heels for.

HAHA when the sun loves the moon is gonna be a fun ride methinks? it was such a blast to write bokuto's character, and i loved the whole process of coming up w a reader-chan that fits him, that fits his larger than life, bombastic personality. i've definitely poured a bit of my soul into her (like i do with all my readers / mcs) and i hope you'll like her too :)

mr nikki is back! but he's been away playing in some competition so....home alone i guess? haha.

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[everythingmustgo]

do tell your stories from psych ward please?

ok I have a lot bc I was there a whole 3 months and ive been remembering things abt it cuz of the time of year

the first ward I was in was the worst like honestly. nasti. it was like living in a waiting room, the sitting room had no sofas just like kinda padded wooden chairs and there were no real activities except "arts nd crafts" which was colouring in (god dont even). also they locked ppl in their rooms sometimes which was scary.

this sounds made up but I swear this was how it happened... the first person who talked to me after I arrived nd decided to go into the sitting room came up to me and asked me "are u happy?". I was still lowkey off my face recovering from an od and didnt kno what to say so I was like .. yes?? and he looked surprised like honestly????? so I was like no?? so he asked why and I must have looked bewildered cuz he was just like u dont wanna talk about it?? ok. and left me alone

the week I was there the ward was locked so we werent allowed out but there was a garden w a big wooden chair everyone called the schizo chair lol. I played cards w this guy who was actually an angel bless him he told me he made a genre of music called space techno and it was his dream to play piano in front of an audience. he made me a card and I have it on my wall.

while I was there there was a documentary on the bbc about how poor the standard of care was at this particular unit and we all sat round and watched it 🤪 it was p unsettling but thankfully I never experienced anything like what they were saying in the documentary and I heard a lot different opinions and experiences from a lot of different patients.

the 2nd ward I was in was nicer and a bit comfier and I met a lot of nice ppl. there was a woman who screamed a lot at night who I sort of became friends but I was a bit scared of her, I remember her letting me sit in the corner w her w all these towels and blankets and a bunch of junk like a pile of rubber bands and a vase and a toast rack??? and we put flowers in plastic bottles for some reason that I cant remember but I kept it by my bed with the sunflowers my parents gave me and we shot rubber bands at eachother which made me laugh and the nurses looked confused af. she let me come into her room and gave me this gross vegan turkey and we lay on the floor w our feet on her bed and looked out the window but I accidentally upset her by saying a word that triggered her and I had to leave her room. she saw me later on and hugged me and said it wasnt my fault.

there was a man who knew everything abt 80s pop like u could say any 80s pop song and hed tell u who sang it and the year and month it came out but he didnt rly understand social boundaries so hed come and hang out while my parents were there a lot. he also wanted to wear my clothes lol

I remembered the other day that I ended up putting my notebook in the shower after I wrote some trauma related stuff which makes me laugh to think about like god what a mental bitch

I was in the last ward in a different hospital like 2 months. it was by far the nicest one lol I had my 20th birthday there and my mum got me a stevie nicks hat and I just wore it around the ward cuz I thought well they think im crazy anyway so whatevs.

I went a progressively off the shits before my birthday (thought I was gonna die before then) and got sectioned twice, wouldnt sleep just paced around my room, stopped taking my meds which once they figured out they considered forcibly injecting me w antipsychs (thankfully they went against this on account of Mad Trauma), stole a butter knife and a pin badge and hid them in my room, got put on constant observation on account of crazy bitch shenanigans etc.

I was so determined to not take my meds that one time I had to fill out some form immediately after being given my meds and I kept it in my mouth the WHOLE TIME they were waiting for me to finish it. by the time they left it had mostly dissolved anyway lol.

I made friends w a woman in the first ward who got transferred to this hospital so it was nice to have someone I knew there. I still see her sometimes, shes from my town (not gon lie half my town was in that ward) and honestly she made the whole experience kind of bearable. she was always writing and playing music for us

there was a nurse there who helped me so much and I love him to bits and miss him every day, he was rly interested in basically preventing young ppl like me from ending up in hospital, he had rly cool tattoos and was bald w a big beard but had this soft irish accent and was rly kind and gentle. I remember him telling me one of the best things he ever did was getting over the hatred of disco music and when hes anxious he puts on disco music and dances lmao. also he taught me doing fake karate when ur anxious helps a lot.

I used to get dominos 2 for Tuesdays with this guy who wore a huge white leather jacket and told me eminem was going to give him a million pounds and he was going to use it to legalise weed and cure HIV and honestly I loved him sm he was real quiet and constantly paced up and down the corridors but he was rly nice to talk to. he hugged me sometimes which was nice too but the nurses werent keen on that

one of the nicest things was that there was a little garden outside this one visiting room and a couple of times my parents brought my dog with them to come see me and I got to sit in the garden and play with him

ok I have way more but this is already so much dkrjfjkkd

[missing-my-griffin]

ok so CLARKE AND HER TRAUMA: an explanation.(warning: long.)

Everyones rly upset about how clarke left bel behind to die when he would never do that to her. About how shes a hypocrite tasting her own medicine and doesnt have the right to be so upset. (I read someone described it as her having a hissy fit?).

I made this post abt how clarke is traumatised and y thats the reason she was able to feel nothing leaving bel behind. Now let me elaborate on that.��

Clarkes BIG trauma was her giving up in the desert ready to blow her brains out. And I mean: thats Clarke. Badass, cold, ruthless Clarke. Shes such a strong character, and for her to reach that point.., thats pretty intense, guys. After a traumatic experience like that its difficult to bounce back, to heal without someones help. And after you have such a low point, its very easy to develop a codependent, almost sick connection/addiction so something. Youre vulnerable and wounded, people pushed that far into desperation usually dont have any emotional strength left within themselves to heal. So usually they find something to distract themselves. The most common thing where this happens in our „non fictional“ world is a new partner after youve been hurt by someone. People with low self esteem who are unable to heal themselves find a new partner and every emotional connection they have to anything gets intertwined with that person, gets projected onto them. That can be self-worth, purpose, love, anything. Your happiness is completely dependant on your relationship with that new partner and how they treat you.

Now of course we are in the 100 universe here, where nothing is ever that mundane, and the stakes are way higher. But its the same principle. Clarke broke, and if she had found a way to heal, if she had found Madi maybe a year later, maybe she would have been better. But she didnt. She found Madi, and everything got projected onto her. Clarke was „gone“ emotionally, but that didnt mean she didnt still yearn for human interaction and love. So in order to cope, she became a purpose and kind of stopped being a person. Because that way she didnt have to deal with her trauma. With being left behind, with being all alone. She wasnt alone anymore now, but in a way she still was. A kid/grown up relationship is nothing like a relationship with someone equal to her. She had to burden everything, and at the end of the day, had noone to talk to. But she didnt feel that anymore, those emotions got neatly stacked away in her unconsciousness. Bc she had a purpose now: madi and her happiness. If you will, Madi was her escape: her excuse to not care about herself, her reason to not deal with her trauma. But that didnt mean she didnt still feel that trauma deep inside. And as the years passed, EVERYTHING got projected onto Madi. Kind of like an addiction, I guess. Most people who get addicted to substances do so in order to not feel whatever they were feeling. So Madi was her Whiskey: while she was with her, everything was good and bubbly and all right. But take Madi away, and we have 6 years of unprocessed, intense emotional trauma that never got dealt with? Plus Madis a sweetheart, and Clarke truly loves her.

And take the radio calls as proof that she did, in fact, feel that trauma. The calls were just another way of coping. She didnt know if shed ever see her friends again, and released she was in love with Bellamy Blake. SO her unconscious, dumb ass came up with another safety blanket: the hypothetical „solution“ to her trauma: for everyone to come back from space and out of that bunker. No need to deal with it, the only way to fix it would be for everyone to come back down anyways, right?

SO fast forward to right now. Everything shed hoped would „fix things“ happened, but nothing got fixed. If anything, she feels more alone than ever. Bellamy didnt wait for her, but she cant blame him, if anything she thinks of course he doesnt love her; never has. Her friends grew into a family shes not a part of. Her mom is god knows where. She realised the hypothetical solution to her trauma was a pipe dream. And the only time shes felt okay was when she was alone with Madi, being a purpose and not a person, not feeling anything but love for this girl.

And then in ep 5&8; she probably started to have a little hope. She had hope Bel and her could at least get some of their closeness back. She started to trust him, maybe even started to feel safe and comfortable. And then BAM he endangers Madi. Shes thrown back light years, bc she got hurt and her trust betrayed in her most vulnerable state.

So she shut down emotionally, and I mean COMPLETELY shut down. She straight up sort of lost her mind. The way she freaks out after bellamy leaves to use Madi? Holy shit. I dont want to know what it feels like inside of her. My poor baby. I mean she just goes to kill Octavia straight away? And O is literally like „what the fuck girl. What are you doing.“

SO in conclusion: Theres a hell of a lot going on inside of Clarke Griffin. Bellamy had 6 years with family and friends, he found love, he has a support system. And she? Shes got nothing. And plus she thinks Bel poisened O for his family and not for her, girl hasnt got a clue.

So its not like shes a stone cold bitch for leavng Bel behind. Its just that for the various reasons I listed, shes not strong enough to care for anything but Madi. She has no way to even start dealing with or feeling her own emotions, so she shuts down, which is why its so easy for her to leave bellamy behind to die. It really just goes to show how far gone this girl is. And thats it. Clarke needs a god damn break. Shes always been the strong one, for 4 seasons straight. And now its all fallen apart. They need to fix her and help her and hug her GOD DAMN IT. 

And one last thing: comparing bellamys reaction in S4 with the bunker to now is just not right. (or ton DC) Octavia is a grown ass woman, first of all, not an innocent child. Grown ups have different instincts when it comes to protecting children. Plus Bellamy does have issues to deal with regarding O, but theyre in no way comparable to Clarkes intense feelings for Madi. (the trauma and codependence I mean) and LASTLY Clarke knows shes being crazy. I dont think she thinks not using Madi its whats best for everyone. So shes not a hypocrite. The situations are totally, completely different. Thats what this show does. It comes up with terrible terrible situations to throw our characters in. These are new stakes. Not recycled moral dilemmas. 

[kkamist]

tags (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

ok so ive been tagged in different tags by different people ,,, nd have procrastinated on actually doing them ,, so i decided to compile all of them in one post !!

warning: this will be a v long post ,, read only if u wanna ,, know more abt me i guess (why would u lmAO)

fact tag?? i guess

rules: tag 9 people you want to get to know better and answer the questions

was tagged by maria !! @s0ftminho ♡ඩ⌔ඩ♡

Relationship status: single

Favourite colour: yellow,, peach,, nd black

Top 3 ships: oof idk?? oo nomin probably !!

Lipstick or chapstick: i dont use them :”)

Last song: im listening to gfriend - rough rn!

Last movie: spiderman homecoming hAHHAHA ( i was doing a mini marvel marathon bc my dad had the movies and didnt ! tell ! me ! but i uh stopped there lmao )

Top 3 shows: i dont watch shows often,, but i do rly like knowing brothers, night goblin :”) nd its dangerous outside the blanket! oooo theres also cafe amor that is p cute too !!

Currently reading: ok if manga counts, kimi no todoke nd bnha ,, if not ,, waking gods by sylvain neuvel (but i paused like ,, last yr prob hAHHA)

kpop + music tag!

ok so i was tagged by @01yoonjin to do ,, both of these tags if im not wrong,, and @maetaamong tagged me for the music shuffle tag and @hyuunjins tagged me for the kpop tag thingy aha

music shuffle tag

rules: put all of your phone’s music library – no playlists! – on shuffle. list the first ten songs that play. bold the song(s) that lift your mood and italicise the song(s) that makes you the most emotional. then tag ten people!

mad city - nct 127

campfire - svt

us now - vixx

hold me tight - bts

talk me down  - troye sivan

paradise - nct 127

too good - troye sivan

grr 총량의 법칙 - skz

another world - nct 127

blue - troye sivan ft alex hope

kpop tag

rules: answer the questions!

1) 5 favorite groups?

skz

nct

nuest

sf9

w1

2) Top 5 on your bias list? (no particular order)

hyunjin

(lee) chan

(lee) mark

chanhee

jr (jonghyun)

3) Ult Bias group and why you love them?

oof ok i,,, dont know? im not the type to actually Stay ulting a group?? like ill stan then ,,, then,, get into another grp,,, yeah,,,, im not v loyal aa my friends always ask what grps i stan and im liek ,,,,, idk,,,, i stan a Lot,,, (that was a real convo between a new friend i made weeks ago) but i guess,, atm its skz? their music is,, my taste? like the meaning of it nd all,, and uh theyre also v v fun to b with,, there isnt a moment when i dont smile whenever i see one of their vids or during their vlives :”) tbh what i like the most in groups i stan is their humor lmao,,, like if theyre v funny, i automatically love them even more :”))

4) Ult Bias and why you love them?

again,,, idk man,, i dont think i even Ult hAHHA ok but i ,, rlly like bae jinyoung nd chani hHAHHA ok but also ,,,, hyunjin. that boy,,,,,  id do anything for him tbh ,,  also bjy wasnt even mentioned in  2 but,,, i rlly love him ,, like idk,, i dont stan w1 as much now but ,, whenever i see him im like :-))))) (same goes for chani aa) fiuwe idk y i like them sm tho aa

5) Favorite Kpop Meme

iiiiii dont have any guawdeij

6) Favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one)

ok what,,, i dont even know my ult hAHAH

7) 5 Favorite Kpop MVs

dont stop - twice (this is in jap tho,, does it count?)

nuest - daybreak

blooming days - exo cbx

you&me - kisum

go - nct dream

8) 10 Favorite Kpop songs?

vivid - loona/heejin

heart attack - loona/chuu

singing in the rain - loona/jinsoul

scentist - vixx

boss - nct u

rollercoaster - chungha

shine - pentagon

blooming days - exo cbx

trigger - vixx

my valentine - vixx

nd a lot more auief

9) Favorite Kpop crack video?

oof i dont watch crack often-

10) Favorite content creator within the fandom?

all of them!! :”)

11) What fandoms would you say you’re an active member of?

aa atm the sk fandom !! i was q active in the svt fandom in my main blog but i dont make content anymore :-( i do want to b active in other grps (like nct nd sf9 nd mayb nuest) but i dont have enough Commitment to run other blogs at the same time :”)))

12) Take your top 3 biases- fmk

these arent my top 3 but-

F(riendly convo with) - murk leeeee

M - oof tbh id marry seungcheol or mingYU OmG :-)))))))) hes not my bias but ,, hes such husband material tbh ,,,,,,,,

K - lee chan bc he,, keeps Killing me w those looks even when im tryna stan another grp ughrei

13) If you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose?

chani? or chenle!! for chani ,, we’re q similar nd we both like chicken !!!!!!!!!!!! so yes. for chenle ,, we’re also kinda similar but we def have the same humor ,,, which is always great  :^)))))

14) If you could date any idol, who?

hm,,, tbh these days ive been feeling Soft for mark (lee) nd !! also bjy ,,,, ahHa im sorry hyunjin yshvriIHFED

15) What’s one Kpop album you think everyone should have listened to?

vixx - eau de vixx bc nO ONE i know talks abt it :-((((

16) Are you a soft or a hard stan?

swoft??? or medium idK HAHAH

17) An idol that makes you go into soft mode?

100% hyunjin,,, Also bjy.

18) An idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch?

o man is also hyunjin aLSO mark lee :-))))))))))

19) Favorite vocalist?

oof hm,, defo seungkwan ,,, seokmin,,, basically svt’s vocal team :-))) oOF reading this again ,, yo haechan???? God tier vocals,,, pls stan nct :-)))

20) Favorite Rapper?

oo ok so i watched high school rapper nd i really like osshun? nd oH bang jaemin :”) aa i need to watch s2 soon jgafiue

in terms of idols, defo 3racha,,, theyre So Good uiahrfiu

21) Favorite dancer?

aAA in terms of girls: cHUNGHA!! for boys its ,, basically all of svt performance team nd,, ten and taeyong- (i like a lot of dancers its hard to choose ifajoiwe)

22) Things you have in common with your ult?

ok i,, dk my ult but ill just do it w the idols i put in in that q - for hyunjin i feel like we ,, both struggle w cooking lmAo nd have troubles waking up early :”) ,, actually now that i think abt it,, were both v quiet nd shy but when u get to know us? were v Loud nd savage (same w bjy nd chani) also again ,, chani likes chicken, i do too so :-)))))))

23) The mot beautiful trait any idol can have?

hm,, confidence? it takes a lot for someone to just go on stage and sing/dance etc,, like i would Never b able to do that- (proven today: had a skit and had a shaky voice the whole time , also laughed alot oops)

24) Songs that will always make you jam along?

vIVID by heejin nd singing in the rain by jinsoul nD ALL THE OTHER LOONA SONGS-

also rock by skz !!!!! nd nd omg rollercoaster by chungha nd,,, scentist by vixx nd many others hAHAH

25) Your worst wrecker?

in skz its ,,,,,,,, ***** :-)) also nomin have been wrecking me these days ,, rip

26) Any kpop concerts you’ve been to?

0 bc my parents wont let me :-(

27) Favorite choreo?

there r too many-

28) Favorite live performance?

also too many- but i do like concert performances where the fans sing along too- like those Hit me in the feels everytime (eg: smile flower - svt!!!) iahfnie (does this even count lmao)

29) Favorite debut mv?

adore u- svt !! (3rd anniv coming up ihHIWU)

30) Recommend a rookie group

skz obv, loona, unb ,, (g)i-dle !!

31) A kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life?

there is a Lot but prob vivid - heejin hAHAH I RLLY LIKE THAT SONG AUWIFHIAU

20 question tag!

rules: answer 20 questions and then tag twenty people you want to get to know better

i was tagged by em !! @realstraykids  (´∀｀)♡

name: hazirah (oo name reveal :^))

nickname(s): haz

zodiac sign: scorpio

height: i am smoller than em ,, barely 5 feet :-)))))))))

languages spoken: ok ,, eng, malay, arabic, uuuh tiiiiiny bit of chinese and im now (kind of) self learning korean :^)

nationality: singaporean

favourite season: ok we dont have fall in sg,, but fall !!

favourite flowers: baby’s breath!

favourite scents: the scent of fried chicken :-)) or fresh laundry ,,, also petrol smell :-) 

favourite color: i answered above but yellow, peach nd black

favourite animal: shiba inus !!

favourite fictional characters: mmmm kacchan nd aizawa nD TODOROKI IFIAEUR HOW COULD I FORGET HIM O Mg frm bnha !! also baz nd simon frm the book carry on, simon by raindow rowell (one of my fav books tbh) ,,,, also tanaka frm tanaka kun is always listless bc hes goals tbh. ALSO oMg USUI TAKUMI FRM KAICHOU WA MAID SAMA OH MY GODUIHF

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: ok in cold countries i Always get hot chocolate,, here in sg i always get green tea,, or ice lemon tea sometimes :-)))

average sleeping hours: 5-6

dog or cat person: both but more towards cats tbh

number of blankets you sleep with: 1

dream trip: the world !! or like japan/england ,, 

blog established: feb 1 2018

followers: a number :-)

random fact: mmmmmmmm i broke my fast w two of my friends last night nd caught up w each other nd im v happy :-)))))

nd thats the end !! (not really,, theres like 2 slefie tags but i have 0 pics oops) but if you read through all this,, congratulations,, you probably know me more than my classmates :-))))

[eedisgirlfriend]

last part woo fkdkd

i saw the worst kind of dream? it had chasing and gross men and old friends and everything bad

[wannasoftimagine]

park jihoon as your older friend

(( AS REQUESTED! // jihoon scenario where you're 2 years younger than him so you think he only sees you as a little sister but he confesses to you when he thinks you're gonna date someone else bc he's scared of losing you??? this is lowkey rly specific but THANK YOU!!! ))

ure used to hearing ppl talk abt how young jihoon is, and how hes so so so cute

of course, u agree with him

everyone does tbh

still, it makes u feel a little upset bc it seems like everyone who says those things are older than him, with jobs and life experience and history and Fancy Stuff like tht

so compared to them, u feel like a toddler

even tho ure only 2 yrs younger than jihoon, it feels like theres 100 yrs between u

it doesnt help tht jihoon is always going on radio shows and reality programs, acting cute whenever someone older so much as looks his way

still

u know u should prob just feel grateful tht ure close friends, since most ppl dont even get tht far

but sometimes u wonder if itd be better if u werent close, bc now he only sees u as a little sibling to take care of

u wish u could say it wasnt true, but everything he does is exactly like an older brother

he dotes on u and watches over u, but instead of acting like a caring boyfriend, he just seems like someone babysitting his little sibling and u haTE IT

ure not even sure how long uve liked him romantically, but its like whenever u remember how he used to treat u even when u first met, ure stuck thinking abt how he mustve seen u

after all, who can look at a kid tht used to cry whenever their parents went to work and go “oh yeah theyre cute i like them a lot” ???

not jihoon

esp when hes already way out of ur league to begin with

as u get older, ur feelings for jihoon dont completely fade

there r times when theyre easier to ignore, sure, but its impossible to think tht theyre actually gone

whenever u guys make eye contact over dinner at a fast food restaurant, he beams at u in a way tht cant possibly be taken as platonic

ur heart is beating way too fast for u to lie to urself

anyways

u try and move on by befriending other ppl and even trying to date some other ppl

of course tht rlly doesnt work out

u turn down almost anyone tht u could possibly go out with, and even when ur friends try and set u up with other ppl, u can never make it past the first blind date

(ure too busy comparing the strangers to jihoon and watching them all fall short)

u mention some of the blind dates to jihoon

at first its bc ure hoping he’ll get jealous and confess

but as more time goes on, hes still just as supportive in his answers, and u realize tht theres no use in hoping when he clearly doesnt feel the same way

then a new guy transfers to ur school, and hes vaguely attractive and smart and funny and u get along well enough

he asks u out after school one day, and ure like why not? so u accept a first date bc u might as well give it a shot

its the first date tht ure on where u try not to think so much abt jihoon

it works for the most part, but u still find ur mind drifting off and wondering what jihoons up to

when the guy excuses himself to take a phone call from one of his friends, u manage to text jihoon to check up on him

u banter back and forth, and u cant help the way ure grinning down at ur phone with every text he sends u

at some point he asks where u are, and u realize wHOOPS guess who didnt tell jihoon tht u were having a date tonight

...

u

cmon dude whats up w that

anyways so u explain to him tht ure on a date w the new guy in ur class

and jihoons response is surprisingly short and clipped

its just a quick “oh” and ure like “???” bc hes never responded quite like tht before

so u ask him if smthns up

u see the typing bubble appear and disappear, appear and disappear, and so on

eventually it just disappears completely and he doesnt start typing again and ure even more confused than u were before

after what seems like forever, he texts u to ask if ure having a good time

u tell him tht u think u are

honestly tho, ure not too sure bc now its impossible for u to think of anything other than him

the guy comes back with an apology and a smile, and ure forced to tuck ur phone away and try not to be too obviously distracted for the rest of the evening

tht proves to be WAY TOO HARD

the entire night ure picking apart the way the guy cuts his food (jihoon looks cute doing literally anything), how he gives u a smile when u meet eyes (it doesnt look as genuine and bright as jihoons), how jihoon wouldnt even take u to a restaurant like this (u both feel more comfortable somewhere lowkey and relaxed)

if the guy notices, he doesnt say anything

at the end, he just drops u off back at ur home and tells u he had a nice time, and “maybe we could do this again?”

all u can do is choke out a “maybe” in response before ure hurrying inside and scrambling to check ur phone

jihoon hasnt rlly texted u since u last checked, and u can feel ur heart drop a little in its chest

u send him a quick msg, asking what hes up to and if he wants to facetime or smthn bc ure done with the date, and hes quick to agree

right before u call him, u see his text saying tht “i need to talk to u abt smtn too so its good timing”

ure freaking out a little bc maybe hes going to tell u abt his own s/o now tht uve told him abt ur date and u can feel ur hands shaking as the connection loads

once ure in ur room, u manage to make out his tired (but still glowing) features on ur phone screen

u greet each other with half-stilted questions, and u cant help but wonder why ure both so awkward w each other

i mean. obv u know why u are

but ure like ? why is HE acting so weird

and after a few more moments of tense silence, u finally ask him what he wanted to talk abt

somehow even thru the phone screen u can see his face turn bright red

and u would think abt how cute it was if u werent also thinking tht u mustve been right, hes dating someone else, and u can feel ur eyes start to well up w tears bc uve always known tht he didnt like u back, but this time its so painfully obvious

thts when he clears his throat like “um,, y/n,,,, we’ve known each other for awhile and i kno ure kinda young but,,,,,,”

and somehow he hasnt noticed tht ure having a mental breakdown as he gets closer and closer to saying what he wanted to tell u

“anyways y/n,,, i rlly like u so please dont go out w that guy again and mb go out w me instead??”

which. WHAT

ure literally shellshocked and hes trying to explain on the other end like “i mean u dont have to if u dont want to i just wanted to tell u and-”

its honestly precious tbh

u barely manage to cut him off but ure still a mess of emotions so u cant rlly talk properly

ure pretty sure tht u end up saying the equivalent of a keyboard smash,,,

he quiets down tho, and as ure trying to figure out want u want to say, he just looks at u w this rlly cute earnest expression and ur heart MELTS

eventually u manage to choke out tht u like him and now its his turn to get surprised

“WAIT ARE U SERIOUS”

he whisper-screams the whole thing, bc he doesnt want to actually scream and hurt ur ears but hes still freaking out and cant contain everything hes feeling

all u can do is nod and grin into ur hands and hes like “uGH now i wish i could tell u in person” but hes acting all soft and shy and tbh u dont think either of u could handle it if u were in the same room right now

still

ure both blushing and giggling and u feel so so relieved its kinda embarrassing

but he manages to cough out tht he’s rlly rlly happy tht u like him too, and “lets meet up soon? please?”

and who are u to deny him smthn like tht

(esp when uve been dreaming abt going on a date w him since forever ago)

eventually u have to end the call

but u both go to sleep that night with ur phones nearby, smiling even as u drift off to sleep

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[mefukimeme-gonebithc]

SWINGS OPEN DOOR FRANTICALLY AND POINTS AT ALL THE EMOJIS: do it

.........................oh boy

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

HMMM most of them id rather not talk about since theyre really personal/a lot of them arent really secrets since i have talked abt them but they can easily go unnoticed sooooo

im confessing to having a thing for gloves i guess??? specifically black cloth gloves (im not a fan of leather, feels Weird) so. ye. 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

All (in the end id probably be getting hugged tho haha im v awkward at hugging vs being hugged)

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

CARBINKS!!! anything that i deem cute is my favourite (ex. r/owlets, m/imikyus, bonus since theyre a dark/fairy >:3c!!, pum/pkaboo, etc) 

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

donald trump would be dead and obama can stay president for another 4 years until the world gains potential candidates that arent shitty

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

I Dont Think I Want To Talk About It. ill just link the post. (btw thats my dream journal blog, i should use it more)

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i have multiple so hmm.....maybe the fact they put up with my gay bullshit

😘 talk about your crush or partner

gay. moving on.

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya betch

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

-hair

-singing

-cuteness factor

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

HMM im mainly scared of losing my friends and thatll take more than just mental training to move on, but uhh i DO have a mild fear of getting assaulted..........idk how to fix that bc its actually really bad paired up w paranoia

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

kuro kiryu. he can also easily make me cRY WHEN HES A FUCKING RANKING CARD.

💙 what annoys you about some people?

when they do stuff theyre not asked to do and complain like “oh my GOd [persons name] why cant you do this??? im so tired, i just wanna rest, but i HAVE to do this!!” like shut up no one asked you to do it, if youre so tired to rest first and then do it.

another irritating thing is people who use the term “special snowflake” unironically especially on kids who make edgy/mary sue ocs like shut up ugly let them grow up and regret their choices by themselves, dont teach them its okay to make fun of younger people for their edgy ocs

😤 do you get angry easily?

irritated??? ya, angry??? no

youd have to do some fucked shit to get me angry, but i do get irritated fast

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

I DONT THINK I CAN TALK ABOUT THEM HERE,,,

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

-education system

-change how the U.S. ignores the struggles of third world countries unless it profits them/benefits them

-solar energy  

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

“GKL JGAE THE ODDBALLS”

kiss - wataru

befriend - rei

marry - natsume

kill - shu

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

SAN DIEGO!!! its got such a nice vibe, its never too hot there, NATURE!!! I LOVE THE SCENERY THERE EVEN IN THE CITY THERES TREES AND ITS SO NICE!! its just got such a nice vibe to it i havent felt anywhere else and its SO NICE!!

☕️ talk about your ideal day

ideal day, i get to be home alone, play both of AKATSUKI’s albums while talking and playing games with friends without worry ill be too loud to anyone else, i get good food, and i have a nice dream that i remember vividly

alternatively, visiting a bunch of greenhouses/nature filled areas would be Great

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

uhh im gonna go with ambivert/introvert leaning

💧 when was the last time you cried?

crying as in “i feel like Death”, literally a few hours ago because i remember the daikagura kuro.....

as in actually breaking down, yesterday was really bad grhgra

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

1. love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

2. temptation magic

3. ryusei hanabi

4. hinakura to neji ama 

5. the living ghost is alive

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

HMMM this is actually hard for me to pick bc ive had multiple kins where i had powers fuc UHHH

its really hard for me to pick just one, so i guess ill just list off top 5 and why

1. teleportation - i could teleport to my friends cities, also i could prob trick people into thinking im running when im just teleporting inch by inch/foot by foot >:3c

2. deceiving ability like kano - ,,,it seems pretty neat

3. the ability to cheer people up - ,,, it seems pre

4. shapeshifting/transformation - theres absolutely no consequences to being able to make myself taller.........

5. weapon/item creation - i could just make headphones instead of buying them AND i can ensure theyll last

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont worry about how youre being treated now, itll get better

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

ahh, its hard for me to be jealous uhh

in one aspect, i guess te/tora since hes so energetic and hes paired so often with ku/ro...im pretty jealous

in another aspect, j/acksep/ticeye or th/omas san/ders. id love to be able to make a difference to others like how they do, not to mention id love to be as energetic as them

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

bravery definitely. im fairly kind, i have enough brain power (OOOOO AIEOU JOO-) to get by, im fine with how cute i am >;3c, wealth is good but over bravery which im very much lacking in, id rather be brave so i could do so many things id love to do......

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

in a joking manner: my kink for intimidating characters. @ me chill

in a serious matter: probably the fact im awful at trying to cheer people up and i feel awful fornot even trying anymore

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i know english, im VERY limited in thai/lao/japanese, and i know next to nothing of spanish/german/french but i did take a few notes about them bc i was bored. i wanna learn thai/lao the most so i can connect with my culture more, but japanese would be nice since a lot of stuff i enjoy is japanese and i dont wanna hastle others to translate stuff for me haha

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

KURO KIRYU I LOVE HIM

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

a universe where im energetic, not lazy, and motivated to continue on in life and make the world just a tad bit better. and i live with my friends in a nice house in san diego!!

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

,,, i really dont know, and thats why im disappointed in myself

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

demon. theres so many types of demons i dont have to be malicious, plus i could blend in fairly well. theres no rly big downside except ill be frowned upon by other divines

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

someone: you hurt my boyfriend you take away his fp you pretty much fuck him over and you proceed to have gross/abusive kinks shut the fuck up ugly i hate you so much and i never even talked to you i never want to see you mention his url or name ever again youre so awful

something: school fucking sucks and i can bring up a lot of reasons for this. 1: some of the teachers hired are only hired to educate, so personality wise they could be oppressive towards their students. 2: while i do feel like having a core lesson plan is okay, FORCING kids into certain core subjects is bad and they end up not learning because they feel like they HAVE to be their best or else theyll fail, and thats awful. the grading system isnt completely awful, since it shows kids areas that need to be improved, but making it some life changing thing is just...bad...because at that point it goes from “well you need to improve in these areas, so why dont we offer you help so theyll be easier!!” to “GET BETTER AT THIS OR BE FOREVER UNEMPLOYED” and i hate it. i could rant about this.

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

ive just been.....depressed bc of low swing my dude. a big issue would be my entire “i want to do good but i suck” thing, and yesterday i had a really bad dream as stated earlier and it made me extremely anxious for the entire day until i finally talked to my friend about it. theres also the fact i have school but theres no way i can finish it now

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

vet, now im like...im unsure... i wanna get into architech/floor planning/house designing and also be sort of like a youtube/internet idol??? if that makes sense......idk

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

ice cream is one of the only ones i can tolerate haha- i LOVE mochi ice cream but i cant get them fresh here since theres no east asian centric stores here (only southeast/hispanic fusion stores) so rip... ia lso like cheesecake a fair bit

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

kur/o kiryu. or e/nstars in general i guess

��� what happens to you when you’re stressed?

my breathing gets a bit faster, my chest starts vaguely aching and i get nauseous

😪 what are you sick of?

THE COLD. ITS S O C O L D. PLEASE HELP.

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

nope, not really. i do awful at horror games, im terrified of roller coasters, and the thought of jumping out of a plane makes me wanna decay

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

sh/u it/suki is Bad. the y/oi fandom is made up 80% of really bad fuj/oshi who later hopped onto an extremely controversial manhwa. hea/thens wasnt too bad of a song. i still like mi/necraft/happy tr/ee friends. i like rh/ythm games but dont like rh/ythm heaven. mc/a wasnt awful. ut/apri as an anime isnt too bad but definitely doesnt match up to the games quality in both art and story telling. id/olm@st/er is a tad bit over rated. ens/tars should be localized to ENG.

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

haha nope

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

draw/VERY rarely sew/read tarot, which is what im supposed to be doing anyways

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

uhhh it was either te/mptation magic or love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

how i cant cheer people up or help people be more positive. ir aelly dont know how i can improve it my dude, but im thinking.

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

usually bunnies, but if im feelin crafty ill doodle an anime char

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

age mostly

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

INTP, and idk its just there

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

“the battle: ra*bits” MMMMMMMMM nito. dgmw i love mits/uru and i loved how energetic he was + i liked mitsuru too but ni/to introduced me to ku/ro in my canon and he was very supporting of me/tried his best to help me

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont really have a CELEBRITY celebrity fave but itd def be t/homas sanders internet wise

🐴 opinion on __?

“holds up kiibo”

a good boi. i trust him

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

ehh its actually really hard for me to become emotionally unless im deeply attached to something sooo not really

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

ghost girl, maximum ride, and cr*zy

i dont remember any quotes from the first and last books BUT “WE’RE LIKE FREAKIN BALLERINAS AND YOU ARE LIKE A FRIDGE WITH WINGS” will always be my fave

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

listen to music, isolate myself justtt a tad bit, and try to distract myself. it helps to a certain extent, but it wont save my ass

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

k/uro ki

🌍 which country do you live in?

america

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

a fucking asshole

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“you think youre ugly but youre just not your type” -some tumblr post i cant find atm

💭 do you keep a diary?

i keep a dream journal, but i stopped keeping diaries because im wayyy too paranoid someones gonna snoop

💫 who inspires you?

HMMMM chi/aki morisawa, tho/mas sanders, and j/acksepticeye

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

ye, theres no proof that they DONT exist (although you could argue theres also no evidence that they DO exist), PLUS i have had some experiences with ghosts! also itd be fuckin....awkward if id idnt considering i wanna get into s/pirit work

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

ko/toko ut/sugi is the only way i could describe it. kinda gothic-punk??? i used to be into yum/ekawaii and fa/iry kei but i ended up falling out of them.

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

MMM ri/se of the gua/rdians was pretty good, zo/otopia was also good...the book of life was really good and i wanna watch it again now ahhh

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

idonthaveonemymemorypastsixmonthsisgoneandmychildhoodwasfilledwithmebeinginsulted UHH one time in 6th grade i dated a dude and he gave me a teddybear/candy for valentines day and it was really nice, i felt bad since i didnt get him anything and i feel bad for not even breaking up with him to his face

🐱 what’s your dream pet like?

bunny. thats all

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be?

KURO KI

[watchdogz]

FUCK ok so yeah i KNOW the 2010 movie wasnt the best thing to ever be made but like come on.... it was high budget and not super shitty ?? and honestly i... yeah schultz is the best murdock we’ve ever had but that role means SO MUCH to copley and i rly do respect his love for the character and his ability to play him?? like he grew up loving the show and murdock was his fav character since he was young and like.... im so happy he got to live that dream of being his fav the role means a whole lot 2 him and HES a great actor?? hes so talented i aspire to be as good an actor as he is...,,

ALSO hghgghgh another thing that bothers me a lot is like. why?? does the theory that murdock isnt mentally ill even exist!!!! like just... say it u hate crazy ppl its alright...,, anyways season 5 is rly meh :/ with me bc like... i do think he overplays a lot of things sometimes (take a fav scene of mine: the trashbag ones) but when he does that its OBVIOUS. but other times he’ll do things w/o a motive or w/o prompted to do them and its like.... idk my boy is insane u cant tell me otherwise,, i love him i love them all. bless up

ALSO ALSO when he is discharged from the VA like... i kno he says he counts on it for his room and board etc but like remember when the nurse says that they dont listen to anything he says ?? he seemed genuinely hurt and like i kno what its like to feel invalidated and alone like that it just seemed too genuine for him to not take it to heart.... and dont pretend like mentally ill ppl cant be aware of their illness and make jokes abt it/realize they have it bc we do !!!

if anything i got a Big Headcanon that he might be on the spectrum i mean the signs are all there esp when they arent on missions PLUS hes v v v intelligent but simple minded and has special interests in odd things and takes on personalities of fictional characters + attaches to ppl easily i just lov him