#the door unlocked • [ asks ]

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

[rebouks]

Previous // Next

Byrd: Teach us! Juniper: Okay! First, you’ve gotta put your hands above your head. Wren: Nuh. Juniper: This part’s easy. Byrd: Like this?! Juniper: Just like that-.. keep them there and bring your foot up against your leg, like this! [Byrd giggled, wobbling precariously as he mimicked his cousin] Juniper: It takes a lot of practice-.. c’mon, Wren! [Wren scowled, making a break for it; the only thing worse than dancing was being told what to do] … Having given up trying to reply to Alex’s latest letter, Robin stared listlessly at the star shaped stickers on his ceiling. He’d poured his heart out about how nothing ever went right, how he never fit in anywhere, how he was having a tough time at school-.. that he got in a fight, that he kept imagining what it’d be like if his parents died, particularly his father; he’d briefly considered asking what’d happened to her mother too but he’d thought better of the whole thing and viciously crumpled his pathetic attempt into a ball instead. Maybe he ought to burn it in the sink so no one else would read it by accident. He felt bad that he hadn’t replied yet but he’d been in such a foul mood recently that he couldn’t think of anything remotely interesting or fun to talk about, and the last thing he wanted to do was bum her out. He rolled onto his side as Wren stomped toward his door; it rattled familiarly as her little fingernails fiddled with the lock. Robin knew it was her because he could sense her current disdain, and she was the only one of his siblings who’d learnt how to do it-.. plus, if it were either of his parents, they would’ve knocked.

Wren: Juni’s tryna make me dance! Robin: She’s not gonna make you do anything. [Wren grabbed Robin and shook him with urgency, yanking at his hair with desperation] Wren: I’m gonna hide in here, okay?! [Robin sighed; reasoning with a six-year-old, especially Wren, was rather pointless] Robin: Sure. Wren: Wait-.. where’re you going?! Robin: Does it matter? You’re safe in here. Wren: Robinnnnn. Robin: Get off me! Wren: I wanna play! Robin: So, play-.. just don’t delete all my saves again. Wren: You do it! I wanna watch. Robin: I don’t really wan-… Wren: Pleeeeeeease? … Robin: I can’t play if you’re gonna squish me-.. get off. Wren: Uuuugh.. I can’t, I’m stuck. Robin: Move! Wren: [gasps] What is that-.. kill it! Robin: I don’t have anything to ki-… Wren: KILL IT!

[puppyeared]

AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY

[hereforthe911buds]

having religious trauma isn't something only queer people experience. cis/het people can have religious trauma; in real life a couple cis/het friends of mine have acknowledged their own.

But addressing religious trauma is such a common occurrence for queer people that Eddie starting to acknowledge it at the same time as Buck explores his own sexuality has a lot of potential regarding future storylines. watch this space.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

my dad and i went to the movies last night and on the way out the door, my mum said something like have fun, put the garage door down when you leave please. and we were both like yeah of course no worries.

anyway i drive us to the movies a couple towns over, we watch the movie. it's all great. my dad drives us on the way back. it's a mostly silent drive. we're rounding the corner and our town comes into view. my dad breaks the silence suddenly and goes 'did you put the door down?'

i go 'the door? the- oh shit. no I didn't. did you put the garage door down?'

my dad goes 'no. i didn't either. i forgot immediately.'

i'm like 'i...did too...i was focused on reversing out of the driveway...'

we pull into the driveway a couple minutes later. the garage door is shut. neither of us did that. meaning my mum noticed that neither of us successfully remembered to do it. meaning we are probably both going to get shit. i go 'oh no' while my dad 'there go our heads'

i'm so glad i know WHO I INHERITED MY MEMORY FROM NOW

[bridges-to-ashes]

Huh, I didn't know Nickel made them herself, but no! Hapo, one of the alien children! She's apparently tiny, even compared to the rest of them!

Don't know if she does. She does like to throw them around though. ... How much smaller than the.. ... the black-haired one can she possibly be? That one's already the size of a dog food bag.

[dipperscavern]

being in love with tyrion is so real of you dippy i fear. ik that man is little but he is huge in spirit (and dick size)

THANK YOU!! he could laugh my pants right off! and hes a little lovely i fear.... that "the husband of your dreams" quote to sansa? sorry that was cute

cuntlips42 youre my realest e ver

[housewifebuck]

when do you think buddie exchanged keys? must have been before the tsunami. in my mind it was after the truck bombing because eddie drove buck to appointments or didn't want him to have to get up to answer the door when he visited

UR MIND…….yes it was 100% so eddie could come check on him and check his pulse while he slept every 5 minutes during his recovery

[disteal]

see i also followed you for overwatch reasons, and then, years later, was extremely delighted when you got into transformers like half a year after i did.

I learned a lot of lessons in OW fandom about pacing myself and doing things bc they’re fun instead of for attention, and I’ve had a rly great time in TF because of it :,) glad you’ve been w me through all of it 👍

[dubacheryking]

It seems like you really like the IT book( it 1986), so do you remember Eddie Corcoran’s story from chapter 6. Because like his chapter is for real one of the most heartbreaking chapters in the whole book and he’s like so underrated for no reason. Soooo like what’s your opinions on him and other little interesting thing like that lol.

:)

oh my GOG tbh i think eddie corcoran's death is straight up the most horrifying part of the book. like if u put a gun to my head and said "what part of IT 86 do u find the most stomach churning" THATS IT RIGHT THERE. no one ever really talks abt it by 90% of the fandom on here is movie based and they dont FUCKING include it for some godawful reason (i can understand the 1990 ver not including it specifically for censorship reasons, since it was the 90s and also made for tv and ALSO cut to 3hrs lol) but like. the fact that it wasnt in the movies is criminal tbh.

but i digress.

as for opinions and such regarding the corcoran boy.... i mean, we get next to nothing abt him. what we know is a) his stepdad is an abusive piece of shit b) he had a younger brother that he seemingly cared about deeply (SOBS) c) his pos stepdad killed his baby brother (LIKE ACTUAL BABY. A 4YO???? FR????) d) his death was horrific. theres a little bit more but but but i havent reread that chapter recently so some of it is certainly escaping me. i wish there was more about him as an actual person, but i also understand that w the book already being a billion pages long there is only so much small details that could actually be included, and the history of derry and main story obvs will trump this specific smaller story--but like, fr, i want to know more abt eddie. we know he was terrified of the thing from the black lagoon (fair) and obvs holds a lot of fear and anger and guilt regarding dorsey's death, we know hes abused, we know how he dies. its a weird paradox of being very close to this character (in terms of his pov at the time, being in his head and all just like w any of the main losers) and being extremely removed (we know nothing abt his internal life beyond what his abuse brings out). which. frankly it's somewhat genius bc, yeah, abuse DOES tend to stifle the actual personality/interests of the person being abused and DOES like literally fuck w the brain chemistry and processessing of a child (source: happened to me lolololol), but its also heartbreaking that all we know him as is One of The Missing. he can never be more. its fucked.

soooo . this got away from me. sorry if it makes little to no sense ill just do a small bit on my thoughts summarized HERE:

i wholeheartedly agree that eddie corcoran's death is like. the worst part of the story. listening to it makes me legit sick to my stomach in a way NO OTHER PART OF THE BOOK DOES. LEGIT. and i think the main reason for that is while cosmic horror space clown spider thing is fake, duh, and more obviously used as a stand in for trauma and specifically for childhood trauma and the lasting effects that it has on our psyche, eddie's death is REAL. dorsey's death is REAL. we see, in grusome, up close detail, the actual consequences of abuse and how it destroys people's lives--specifically children's. we see how the complacency of those around such families (eddie's mom, the teachers, the principal, the town of derry at large) contributes to the horrific mistreatment of the most vulnerable, and how NONE OF THEM suffer any consequences for their lack of action. the section ends with eddie's mother getting access to his savings, which amount to less than 20$. to do so, she has to have him legally declared dead, EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOT HAVE A BODY. AND THAT'S FUCKED. SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO MAKE SURE HE'S FUCKING DEAD BEFORE SHE DOES THIS, DOESN'T WANT THE CLOSURE, DOESN'T WANT TO LAY HIM TO REST, DOESN'T WANT A PLACE TO VISIT. I CAN'T. like obviously we see themes of abuse and neglect in the whole book, that's the whole point, but eddie's story is different. there is no winning. there is no escape. you can't spin it into a better life.

he's a kid, just like any of the losers, but to the universe, he's not 'special,' so his death doesn't matter. he could have been swapped in with any of the other characters--fuck, he literally shares the name of one of them!! and yet he's not, and because of that, he doesn't matter. his death effects no one. the only positive is that it reopens dorsey's case, and even then, the reopening of his brother's death almost entirely sweeps eddie under the rug. the town of derry turns away, and when the truth of dorsey corcoran's death is revealed, the shrug, go so very sad, and wipe their hands of it. just another child death at the hands of an adult monster, just another day.

[j0kers-light]

I’m slightly drunk right now but all I can think about is this blog, I miss it like an ex :(

🥴 my love @reneisance come back the kids miss you! I miss you so please.. just come home.

[edgarallanpoestan]

i miss you

i miss you too :( i just saw mary tho!!

[kayvsworld]

i always forget i have Healthcare System Anxiety until i have to interact with The Healthcare System and immediately just start screaming internally for days

[ruinme-please]

CATCH *THROWS BIGASS PUMPKIN IN YOUR FACE*

This is me 24 hours later waking up. Really feeling the love, dear 🫶🏻🎃✨ might visit later with appropriate *objects*, you know, just to show my appreciation for you

[grootficguy]

my friends and i have this in-joke that trickster fae exist & they’re just normal ass people doing stuff to deliberately confuse us for their amusement. having said that, PLEASE tell me your experiences with the trickster fae.

[bridges-to-ashes]

Hey, uh- don't freak out, I'm fine, or I will be in a week

- Kri

... What did you do.