#the diagnosis is very simple. maybe come back and tell me if you have nausea or vomiting or headache | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shewantedtobeasecretgirl · 5 years ago

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10. Bathroom wall a.k.a. a queen bee, Prince in the shower and a backup Casanova (Part Two)

Finally, that Donna Summer song is over… Although disco is not my favorite genre, I have nothing against her generally but now… the part in which she’s repeating “Hot-hot-hot-hot stuuuuff” reminded me of the sound of the rototiller which would break down in every single winter and my grandpa would always have to try for hours and hours to breathe life into it in spring. And the music was also way too loud in comparison to the fact the clientele of this place consists mostly of exhausted truck drivers who only want to chill to Chris Rhea’s Road to Hell. If they wanted noise, they would go to a strip club to see Miss North Carolina ’86 dropping her clothes to something from AC/DC. Probably Highway to Hell. Variations on a theme. But probably this little dump doesn’t even have a proper strip club.

Luckily, this shabby roadhouse has a separate room for pool tables; it’s pretty hidden and easily approachable without being noticed. Not that I don’t like hanging out with the guys… okay, that’s also a part of it, we’ve been basically locked in a tour bus, concert venues and hotel rooms since last September. We’re each other’s company all the time, the only place where I can spend a few hours by myself is basically the ever-changing setting of my incoherent dreams. Only mentally, of course, since basically there’s always someone snoring around. And of course, they also keep showing up in random scenarios and with people they don’t even know but that’s the point of dreams, your brain forces you to put jigsaw puzzle pieces together that don’t match. Or they do, you just don’t know about it… Long story short, there’s no way to get rid of these dudes… Okay, it sounds as if they annoyed me… shit, they do annoy me more and more often and I hate this feeling. We’re basically friends; we wouldn’t be able to play in the same band if we didn’t get on well. But before we started touring, we’d all had our own circles including friends and colleagues, different hobbies, natural habitat… and music and the band had been only the intersection of them. We met when we had to do something as a band, we spent time together to write songs, rehearse, record… and in the remaining time, everybody lived their own life. That we don’t have anymore.

Usually, I try to not see only the dark side of this situation but now, I’m not feeling able to put on a smiley face. Maybe the fact that my whole digestive system is burning doesn’t help either… I bought a cola at the gas station next to the bar and smuggled it in under my jacket. That’s the only piece of advice of the doctor that is also useful under tour circumstances. I mean, I can’t just drop everything and lie down when the pains are coming, I can’t spend my evening sitting on the loo when I have to play a gig and who cares about diet when you can’t even eat or sleep on a regular basis? But cola is always there, no matter where I am. It’s the only thing that eases my nausea effectively and isn’t very conspicuous at the same time. And this one is as cold as ice, it feels good to press the bottle to my stomach as I’m crouching in fetal position in this armchair. Although the doctor probably wouldn’t approve, I spiked it with a few drops of rum. To be honest, they were bigger drops but I finally wanted to empty my flask. I decided to give up drinking spirits, beer makes me unpredictable enough and mixing drinks only fucks my digestion up too.

“Here you are, finally! I knew you were somewhere here too!”

So much for hiding…

“Hi, Karrie…”

“Man, you’re missing the best parts… some local chicks started courting the guys, they even got them to dance…”

“Awesome…”

“Mike, can you hear what I’m telling you? I said the guys were made to dance… I mean, the guys such as Jeff, Dave and Stone… and dance, like, moving the body rhythmically to the music… Although the girl who picked Stone had a difficult job…”

“Let me guess: she failed.” I remark in a bored voice and shake the bottle in small circles not to waste a drop of my drink.

“Mike? Is something wrong with you? Normally, you would basically drop everything and rush there to see the end of the scene but… yes, something’s wrong with you...” she answers her own question with a concerned face sinking down slowly onto the other armchair.

“I’m fine…” I mumble as I embrace my knees and lean my chin against them.

“Mike, I haven’t known you for a long time but I’m pretty sure that sitting alone curled up like a hedgehog is not your normal state. The pains, again, right?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t like being taken for an idiot. Ninety percent of my job basically consists of watching every move of yours and trying to figure out your needs before you would even think about them. Do you think I haven’t noticed you’re suffering?”

I should have known. She usually stays in the background, doesn’t meddle in the business of the others but she’s all ears and eyes… she knows everything about us.

“All I know is that it must be something with your stomach or intestines… I don’t know exactly how serious it might be but it seems to be serious enough to be treated…” she goes on ignoring my stubborn silence. “Have you already seen a doctor? Have you already been diagnosed?”

I’ve seen several ones. I have a diagnosis. But I doubt she wants to hear the detailed description of my medical history, in particular the analysis of that delightful feeling when objects are being put up into your butthole.

“Do the others know about it?”

Oh, sure… like the inexhaustible source of Stone’s stupid anal jokes needed any feeding…No, thanks. And enlightening the others about the fact that pissing in the corner and running around naked aren’t the only sorts of accidents happening with me from time to time isn’t one of my top priorities either.

“Look, Mike, you’re an adult. Legally, leastways. I can’t tell you what to do and I’m finished with the heart-to-heart, I promise but… come on, all I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to feel ashamed and you can live a quality life whatever your problem is, for example Effie…”

“Effie?” I try not to sound like a maniac but I almost kick the table over as I jump back in regular sitting position. “You mean she…?”

“Hasn’t Judy mentioned it?”

“What?” I ask so far as I’m able to speak at all due to the lump in my throat that grew out of nothing of the mere mention of her name.

“She’s been waiting for new kidneys, or at least one new kidney for months. It’s pretty difficult to find a suitable donor for her… but she’s optimistic, as always. And also angry a bit but it only helped her move on.”

“May I ask… what happened to her? I mean, I understand if it’s not public or…” I try to form coherent sentences, which is not that easy at all after this shock therapy.

“It’s not a secret, it’s the result of medical mistakes.” she starts telling the whole story. The chain of her ordeals is more than simple misfortune, and honestly, as I’m trying to recall that compelling but still playful voice, it’s difficult to believe her life depends on permanent medical help. “…and that’s where we are now.” she finishes with a deeps sigh.

“Poor girl…”

“She’d cut your throat if she heard you. She hates being pitied and tries to keep her life in the normal track very hard, limits and obstacles have always annoyed her… but she’s not that kind of girl to whom you can explain that life can be complete without sky diving, rock climbing or space travel too.” she shrugs with a bittersweet smile.

“Does that mean she keeps going on with her studies and…”

“That’s the problem. She’s suspended her studies, gave up her student jobs but she’s already regretted it. And Annie, I mean, her mom is overconcerned and wants her to rest and stick around until the transplantation will have been carried out. And that’s one of the reasons why I recommended Judy as my replacement…”

“They need money…”

“Yup. But the point of my coming up with Effie’s case is to make you understand you’re not alone, having an illness is not a shame but I hate clichés so I rather shut up. I don’t want to lecture you, I would just feel guilty if I didn’t even try to talk about it with you.”

“I have already heard so much about her… do you have a picture of her or something? I’m curious… I mean, it’d be nice if I could connect a face to all those awesome stories…” I hear myself talking. Gaah, I don’t want seem to be pushy or a psycho stalker but I need to see her face.

“Uhmm, I used to keep a few family photos in my wallet, if you’re lucky I still have them…” she begins to rummage in her purse. “Ah, here it is. But no, that’s an old one.” she puts the picture back before I could take a look at it.

“NO, I WANT TO SEE IT.” I grab her forearm. “Please…?” I soften my voice seeing her puzzled expression. So much for avoiding deranged behavior.

“She was like seventeen when it was taken, it’s the yearbook photo from her senior year I guess.” she hands it to me.

I don’t know what I was expecting or if I was expecting anything at all but one thing I know: I wasn’t prepared for THIS. Judy mentioned she was blond and had blue eyes and normally, I would pair this combo with a Barbie-type girl in my imagination. But she’s everything but a Barbie-doll, her clear, shining, honest eyes stare into the camera with some cautiousness but if you examine her face carefully enough, you can discover hints of impishness playing around her lips and those tiny freckles around her nose and her skin that was still wearing the last kiss of late summer sun when the picture was taken… Jesus ‘Cready, you’re not a poet, you’re not even sane. Yes, I must have lost my mind, I’m hearing music in my head… “Drea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream…”

“Mike… Mike… Miiiike…” I find myself in the reality again when Karrie snaps a couple times with her fingers in front of my face. And I realize I didn’t grow a DJ in my mind, the song of Everly Brothers is actually playing in the bar.

“I take this now back, I found another one.” Karrie has to basically disentangle my clenched, grabby fingers from the photo but my eyes are still glued to the face in it, greedily collecting the tiniest details until it disappears in the wallet. “Here.” she pushes the other picture in front of me. “It’s from last year, I think, her hair is curlier here but that’s her natural look, she doesn’t have it straightened too often.”

The second photo gives that human tornado, that young woman clearly back whom I’ve imagined so many times since that very phone call and of whom now I know that she’s officially out of my league. It’s definitively confirmed, not that I had any chance to meet her in real life or at least talk to her again…

“You know what? You should consider talking with her about it. I think she’d understand it better than any of us.” Karrie remarks casually while sliding the pictures back into their place.

Oh. Yes. Sure. Why not call this angel to tell her I’m a disgusting pig who doesn’t have the slightest control over his metabolism, lets out disgusting sounds involuntarily and shits in his pants at least once in a week. Yes, that’s something I would totally chat with her about…

“It’s just an idea, I’m sure Judy would help you find a way to get in contact with her… of course, only if you want to…”

“Houston, we have a problem… Karrie… there’s a situation… we need you…” Scully basically falls into the room breathlessly.

“Jesus, what happened?” she jumps up terrified.

“It’s Judy… you should go after her…” he gasps pressing his hand against his right side. “I’ll tell you on the way…”

“Sorry Mike, we’ll talk about it later…” she shouts back on leaving.

At least my interrogation is over and I can spend some time alone since the others seem to be busy with that “situation”, whatever it is… Maybe I could practice pool tricks, I still haven’t given up my goal to beat Stone at least once in this lifetime. Even if we aren’t playing against each other, he keeps bothering me with his sarcastic comments and doesn’t let me try things in my own way, I can’t really improve my pool skills when he’s around.

After playing a few rounds against myself and winning, of course, I realize the pains have almost gone… It’s so weird, you immediately notice discomfort but you’re always unaware of the lack of it for a while, especially if you manage to direct your thoughts on something else. I guess I should look for the others, I hope Judy’s okay…

“Sorry” an unknown female voice addresses me with a short cough “have you got light?”

***

„So… what’s the plan?” Dave asks leaning on the counter with his elbows facing towards the tables.

“What plan?” I ask back positioning myself in the same way to be able to take a look around.

“For the evening… with the ladies.” he winks meaningfully.

“I don’t know… I guess we’re just hanging out. But why are you asking me? It is you and Jeff who are allowed to have any plans with any ladies… I have a beautiful girlfriend at home, remember…” I answer and I feel my lips pulling in a wide grin; I can’t help, I’ve developed this instant reaction that occurs whenever my gorgeous blondie is on my mind.

“How could I forget… you’d never miss an opportunity to rub this fact in our face. Anyway, Jeff doesn’t seem to be interested in them either, for obvious reasons…”

I squint at the pinball machine where the two second fiddles whose names I’m simply unable to recall are trying to break their personal records. I don’t really get why they think screaming helps them keep the ball on the play field but at least they prevent Jeff from falling asleep; he’s suppressing one yawn after another while stealing glances alternately at the basketball match on the TV screen and the table around which Scully, the slightly deranged leader of the girl bunch and our pocket-sized roadie are having an apparently deep conversation.

“He shouldn’t torture himself, his obvious reason doesn’t give a fuck about his awkward performance.”

“You can never know. Maybe she ignores intentionally that he’s ignoring her intentionally. But I guess you’re happy about it, the super professional band leader who’s against within-band hook-ups…”

“You know my opinion…” I shrug. “Just think about Fleetwood Mac and what happened to them.”

“Uhm, they became a world-famous top rock band?”

“You’re right! Come with me in the restroom, NOW!”

We both burst out in a dirty, tipsy laughter and it takes a few minutes until we calm down enough to be able to speak again.

“So, what are your plans?” I nudge him still shaking of warm-down snorts from time to time.

“I guess if the dynamics don’t change very quickly in the opposite direction, Jeff will vanish in less than ten minutes… and I’ll have to sacrifice myself and keep both chick entertained in the rest of the evening. But I don’t mind, they’re both cute.” Dave takes a sip of his beer wiggling his eyebrows satisfied.

“Both chick? What about… Caledonia?” I nod towards the black-haired alpha female of the trio.

“Her name is Claudia, geez man, you’re hopeless… but no, thanks, her behavior reminds me of that psycho woman in Fatal Attraction too much.” he frowns. “Stoney, be a man and do what you gotta do.”

“…which is…? Jesus, I’m not interested in any random girl I encounter and as you said, she’s totally insane, while we were dancing…”

“… while she was dancing…”

“… I felt as if I had been caught by a boa constrictor that was squeezing me tighter and tighter and I swear, it must have been an extended, super long version of Hot Stuff, I thought it would never end, like, it was at least three minutes longer than usual…” I go on since I’m not willing to react to his undisguised reference to my dance talent.

“Just go back to her, have a polite chat with her and say bye in half an hour… maybe I can keep Jeff here and you can use each other as excuse for leaving. I’ll be here and keep an eye on you and in case she gets out of control, I call the local herpers to catch her.” Dave presents his concept about the strategy I should follow.

“Herpers against herpes, it sounds like the name of some non-profit organization... Okay, approved but if I start yelling “red code”, you launch the rescue operation, that’s the signal.”

“Just go finally, the sooner you begin, the earlier you can get out of here.”

I grab my beer and walk to the small company around the table but as soon as I arrive, all its members fall suddenly silent.

“What’s up, Scully? Hi Claudia.” I greet them and get a dark look from the third person whom I’m trying to ignore to get away with the situation as simply as possible.

“Scully… what kind of name is that at all?” Claudia mutters listlessly; for some unknown reason her energetic behavior has gone; she’s playing with her hair bored leaning her face against her palm.

“There are some who call me… Tim.” Scully uses the occasion to crack a Monty Python joke.

“Tim the Enchanter.” I finish the quote basically swallowing the last syllable since I hear the other girl uttering the same words simultaneously.

“Is that some inside joke of yours?” Claudia mumbles unwillingly.

“Kind of.” I answer in the same style. “But his real name is Timothy, that’s the truth.”

“Anyway, these weird nicknames are pretty common in your crew. Scully… Stone… I wonder how you got this one.” she goes on in a monotonous voice. It’s strange, she doesn’t sound like someone who feels like having a conversation at all. Maybe she’s that depressed type of drunk.

“Guess what: from his parents.” the annoying little smartass answers instead of me raising one eyebrow.

“Oh, really? Your name is almost as bizarre as you.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck. I don’t mind if she spares me an uncomfortable talk and leaves me alone before I would ditch her but why is this turnaround?

“Judy, you promised you were going to play foosball with me! Come, the tables are finally free!” Scully jumps to his feet pulling his colleague by her hand.

“What? I didn’t promise anything, I…”

“Come on, you have a mind like a sieve, of course you did! We could invite the others too and you could teach us those mind-blowing tricks!” he drags her enthusiastically in the direction of the foosball tables; she seemingly protests a little but finally gives in and follows him reluctantly.

“Uhm… I hate to admit but she’s a first-class player.” I speak up with a sentence I didn’t want to say at all but the urge to break the awkward silence was strong enough that my mind forgot to look for better topics.

“Wow.”

Gosh, I’ll need anti-depressants, if she goes on like this.

“I everything okay?” I try to look in her eyes. “I mean… you seemed to have fun when you came over, you even danced… but now… I mean, if it’s a private thing, you don’t have to answer…”

“Stone… you are a really nice guy and all, handsome, actually funny but… I don’t think we would match.”

Thank God. But something I can’t explain makes me ask for the reason instead of confessing I’m not available anyway.

“Oh. I see. And… what makes you think we’re too different?”

“I don’t know… there are just so many antagonistic characteristics… For example, I don’t like animals. I mean, I just can’t get on well with them, I don’t even like watching documentaries on them.”

“I love them, I have a cat called Red and I love dogs too, my family has always had dogs. But I know there are people who feel strange when animals are around, I’m okay with that… what else?” I inquire; the suspicious feeling keeps telling me something’s not okay here, something’s FUCKIN’ not okay here. Maybe if I ask further questions, I get closer to the reason of her behavior.

“I don’t eat red meat at all.”

“Haha, then we have something in common. I have vegetarian phases from time to time and I’m right in the middle of one. I have nothing against meat but I only consume them at special occasions.”

“But that’s the point, I hate these special occasions!” she blurts out passionately. “And I loathe even the smell of beef, let alone touching it.”

“I repeat, I can live without it.” I laugh. “And… your concern about differences is really sweet but I have to tell you something: I have a girlfriend at home, we’ve been together for months so…”

“I know! And you’re so lucky to have someone who accepts you the way you are, even if your taste is everything but ordinary and…”

Let’s wait for a second… how does she know about Amber? And what’s this babbling about my quirky style? And what was this madness about animals and meat? My mind switches to replay mode and I try to recall the moments of the evening double-time… I see ourselves arriving, them coming to our table, us dancing to the fast-forward version of Hot Stuff, them disappearing in the restroom, them getting back from the restroom and joining Scully and J…STOP! Her. That. Little. Shit. It could be only her. She must have said something about me, something crazy shit, because that’s what she’s doing all the time, she tries to turn everybody against me and ruin my reputation and… Okay, first I have to get rid of Claudia, it’s not her fault, after all.

“Thanks for saying that, it’s very nice from you. And I’m sure, sooner or later you’ll find a guy who really fits you. I hope I didn’t hurt you but I don’t really like to talk about my private life. But I guess my friends enlightened you about the details to avoid misunderstandings…” I squint at her playing the gentle refusal routine. If my presumption is correct, it’ll turn out here and now.

“Oh yes!” she jumps on my words immediately. “Judy told me everything. She cares about you a lot, she’s such a good friend!”

“She is.” A good friend of cheap tricks and pretended innocence. But she’ll pay for this. “Her problems are usually similar to mine so we are pretty much on the same wavelength.” Whatever it is, I throw the shit back at that viper. “But this is so awkward and I don’t want to waste your time so… I wish you all the best and good luck with guys!” I stand up already thinking about medieval methods of torment I would gladly try on that two-faced dwarf.

“Thanks… and be happy with that lucky girl!” she sends a saddish smile and I feel guilty for a second for leaving her alone right when she stopped playing the role of the tempting seductress. But while I’m walking to the foosball tables, my thoughts are going back to my unfinished business with that hypocrite, mean…

“No, Scully, the point is in the right angle, look, I don’t shoot the ball until… hey, Scully, you’re not even watching… oh.” she suddenly falls silent and flushes as she follows the gaze of the pale, petrified guitar tech in my direction as I arrive to them. He was obviously trying to save her ass but I don’t blame him, he hates fights, he probably feels being between two fires.

“You know what? I’m also dying to learn more about your little tricks.” I stop at the foosball table with folded arms.

“Oh my God, I love tricks.” Claudia’s enthusiastic friend chirps from the other side of the table. “What? I do love them!” she whines not decoding the strict face the third member of their bunch sends at her after nudging her to finally shut up.

“S-sure, I gladly show them to you too…” the manipulative little beast stutters.

“Face-to-face.” I cut her off in my coldest voice and I can basically hear how hard she just swallowed.

“Ugh… let’s look for Jeff and Dave.” Scully steers the two confused, reluctant friends of Claudia out of range basically tossing them towards the bar counter.

“So, what do you want to know?” she asks almost cheerfully; what an acting performance.

“Oh, I want to know a lot of things… if aliens exist… where the other half of my favorite pair of socks might be… what’s the equivalent of blushing at chameleons… why Claudia suddenly started treating me as if I was a leper…”

“They do. Probably in Jeff’s suitcase. You can’t embarrass a reptile. Maybe she has finally seen the light…” she lists her answers shrugging nonchalantly. “But I guess it’s a relief for you, so we’re happy now, huh?”

“It depends. I wonder if someone helped her out with some useful information about me…”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about… not that it matters as for the result…” she starts spinning the sticks in the table for no reason, since no one else is around, it’s probably just a pathetic excuse for avoiding eye contact.

“You know, I like to decide on my own with whom I want to spend my time.”

“Do you absolutely exclude the possibility of other people feeling the same way? What if she just didn’t enjoy your company?”

“That’s not impossible but the marvelous change in her behavior makes me think something happened either in the restroom or at the table… and guess what? You were there the whole time too.”

“Are you stalking me? Jesus, should I have reported what I was doing at the loo? And I’m even sitting at tables, holy shit, that’s a federal crime.”

“She herself told you on. I haven’t figured out yet what you told her but I know Scully like the back of my hand; he’s obviously trying to cover for you but keeping secret and acting aren’t his strengths. Sooo… you can play dumb but it’ll take me less than two minutes to get everything out of him.”

Her hands stop fidgeting in the second she realizes there’s no point in denying.

“If you’re convinced that much, then why are you asking me? Just execute me here and now…” she stretches out her arms playing the role of the innocent, targeted victim.

“Nah, you can’t get away with it so easily. I wanna know why you did what you did.” I stand in her way since I can see her eyes mapping the possible escapes.

“Why do you want to know why I did what you think I did?” she asks back still keeping the poker face. She still thinks she can win, unbelievable.

“Well… it’s just interesting. Jeff and Dave danced with those girls too but as far as I can see, their popularity hasn’t decreased, I wonder why…” I turn around for a second and nod towards our table where the guys are laughing hard at something with Scully and Claudia’s friends, Claudia seems to have been vanished in the meantime, though.

“Because they don’t have girlfriends...” she remarks earnestly staring at them, not even noticing she broke the character.

“So that’s it? That’s why you did it? You think I can’t even look at other girls since I’m not single?”

“You just shouldn’t. I mean, you found a girl who meets your special needs, you wouldn’t have such luck once again in this lifetime.” she sits back on the high horse again.

“What special needs?” I ask eagerly hoping I can finally put the whole picture together.

“I don’t know, four boobs, tiny brain, large bed, I guess…” she goes on with the bullshit.

“That’s you theory about my needs? Wonderful… So you think I would have cheated on my girlfriend without your machination?” I raise my voice.

“I didn’t say that…”

“Did I kiss her?”

“You didn’t but…”

“Did I hug her?”

“You didn’t but…”

“Did I grope her?”

“You didn’t but…”

“Then what the fuck did I do that bothered your sensitive soul so much that you dared intervene in my business?” I lean over her making her back away.

“You laughed and…”

“What?” I scream. “You think me laughing with someone wearing skirt makes you entitled for shit-talking? You’re insane. You know what? You can play the self-proclaimed moral police of the crew or Seattle or the whole fuckin’ universe, I don’t give a fuck. Just leave. Me. Alone. Mind your own love life. Oh, wait? You don’t have one? Maybe that’s the problem?” I cover my mouth with my palm pretending shock.

“Screw you, Gossard.” she whispers hoarsely and tosses me away with her shoulder rushing past me.

***

I catch her at the entrance, in front of the building. Scully was right, she seems to be pretty upset.

“Shit, shit, SHIT!!!” she shouts emphasizing the last “shit” by kicking at full strength in the dumpster standing on the side of the road. “Fuck, fuck, FUCK!” she bounces with painful groans on one leg until she almost loses her balance and limps back to plop down onto the curb.

“I heard that Converse was planning to launch steel toe sneakers, first I thought the brand managers were tripping on something but seeing you it totally makes sense.” I remark as I take place next to her with the moves and in the pace of a seventy-year-old woman; this position is anything but comfortable for my permanently aching knee.

“Ha, very funny. I should have kicked him in the balls. With steel toe boots…” she mumbles taking her foot in her lap. “I hope I didn’t break my big toe.” she tries to make a diagnosis by palpation.

“If I’m not wrong, you’re talking about the genitalia of Stone Carpenter Gossard.”

To my biggest surprise, it’s not the anatomical term that catches her attention.

“What? Carpenter?” she asks snickering but she also wipes out an involuntary teardrop with the back of her hand from the corner of her eye in the meantime. Whatever happened, it must have actually hurt.

“Yes, that’s his middle name. But: you didn’t hear it from me. And, I know the temptation is huge but try to keep this information until you can use it with cool head.”

“I’m as cold as an icicle.” she sniffles bitterly.

“As a melting icicle.” I stop a next teardrop rolling down on her face with my thumb. “Come on, what happened?”

“Nothing. I’m just so sick of it. So sick of him.”

“What has he done?”

“You mean apart from getting addicted to oxygen twenty-something years ago?”

“Did he say something?” I ignore her sarcastic response.

She laces her arms around her knees and begins to examine her shoes.

“Did he do something?”

She insists on remaining silent and resists my interrogation pretending the patterns on her socks require all her attention.

“Or didn’t he say or do something? That’s the problem? Look, I don’t have to care about your childish quarrel. I just wanted to check if you’re okay since Scully was worried about you. But frankly, maybe too many people are already busy with trying to keep your war over sandbox toys under control.”

“You could finally decide on whose side you are…”

“Obviously on Stone’s. But it has practical reasons, Mike mentioned once he had drunk expired beer during a gig with his previous band and he’d vomited in the amplifier…” I try to ease the tension. “But Jesus, Judy, joke aside, I’m on nobody’s side, of course. I’m just trying to help but if I don’t know what happened, I can’t. And I’m helpless since believe or not, I know he’s a really great guy and I also know you’re an awesome chick and honestly, I have no clue why your arrival has turned him completely inside out.”

“So it’s my fault.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I’m just… so sick of him.”

“You’ve already said that.” I fish a tissue out of my pocket and hand her so that she doesn’t use her forearm to clean her nose.

“You know… he’s not the first smug prick I have to deal with, I met enough of them at Juilliard… but usually, I just ignored them.”

“Then why don’t you ignore him too?” I ask although I know there are several reasons that make this idea extremely difficult.

“I’m not in the position in which I could pretend he’s invisible. And inaudible. I mean, letting it slide sounds like a way that could be even effective, maybe he would get tired of torturing me after a while… but it’s not like high school bullying, I don’t have years to get rid of him, at least you have a glimmer of hope every year there that maybe the bullies find a new victim in the freshman class… But… despite what this whole situation looks like, this is the adult world. This is my job, the management is my employer and if the band is not satisfied with me, I’m going to be fired.”

“But they are satisfied with you…”

Her disbelieving expression makes me correct my sentence.

“They are not dissatisfied with you…”

“Stone is. And he’s the leader and main songwriter of the band so if it came to a dealbreaker… guess who would draw the short straw.”

“Who talks about a dealbreaker? At this point, you’re my trainee. You’re under my protection.”

“And you know what’s the most irritating part? That I’m trying, I’m really trying… I do everything to fulfil his wishes…”

“…which are often ridiculous, let’s be honest. I mean, he’s an immensely talented musician but he… all of them have to learn that being loud and raw isn’t the most important thing…”

“Exactly… I just want to turn up the volume until his monitor box explodes and then just shrug, like “you wanted this, fucker”.“ we both giggle recalling the awkward moments and the looks we exchanged at sound checks. “But what’s your strategy? How can you convince him?”

“Well… I don’t try to convince him with explicit arguments… somehow I learned how to make him believe that my suggestion was originally his idea.”

“Clever… but ah, I couldn’t make it… he disagrees with everything I come up with… it’s like an innate reflex at him.”

“Aaand you’ve just caught the point!” I snap with my fingers.

“…which is… that it’s a reflex and he can’t help it?” she frowns.

“No, the other thing you said… he disagrees with everything that comes from you.”

“…aaand…?” her hands circling around each other urge me for getting straight to the point. “Yes, I’m the problem, I know, there’s nothing new in that.”

“NO! And actually… I’d rather keep you in the dark about it. Namely, we’ve got a plan.”

Two plans actually, in case plan A doesn’t work…

“We? You and…?”

“Schmitty, Brett and Scully. None of them is particularly good at keeping secret but this time they are holding on, I’m very proud of them. But as far as I know you, you’d ruin everything if you knew the details.”

“I can’t wait… if it doesn’t involve a pair of dirty, stinky socks getting stuffed into Stone’s mouth, I’m not interested in it, anyway… whatever… sorry for being skeptical, the guy is smart, he smells plans and tricks from miles… and even if he doesn’t, he ruins your self-esteem and drives you into series of mistakes and then” she claps suddenly making me start ”he gets you and makes fun of you.”

“You don’t need to exaggerate, he’s not Satan itself…”

“Are you sure?” she narrows her eyes meaningfully. “I had finally gained some confidence by the time I graduated from Juilliard, I mean, I finally believed that being admitted and receiving a degree there meant I could really… achieve something�� and now... I feel like I’m at the start again.”

“The situation is certainly out of your comfort zone… but you came from a different world… and his world is strange for you too and…”

“If it was only about this!” she cuts me off. “He’s mocking me permanently, at everything. Everything. Like in elementary school, he makes remarks about my look, my dresses…”

“But you mock him back!”

“… my love… life…” she goes on in a thinner voice. “Or… rather the lack of it. Rude remarks.”

Whoa, that’s new. Obviously, I’ve heard him cracking jokes about her innocent look and Jeff’s admiration for her that he rather disapproved than encouraged, by the way… but he hadn’t humiliated her publicly only for being single… I need a context.

“What did he say exactly?”

“He told me not to put my nose into other people’s business… and that I should to stay away from his private life and insulted me by saying I didn’t even have a love interest…” she recalls in a bored voice like she was reciting a textbook.

“That doesn’t make any sense… what happened before?” I inquire. Something tells me that’s only the second half of the story…

“We had sort of a… disagreement.”

“You don’t say…” I squint at her. “Come on, don’t make me pull everything out of you word by word!”

“Can I have a cigarette?” she asks out of the blue.

“But you don’t even smoke!” I protest.

“Do you want me to go on or not? Just give me a cigarette, please.”

“Oookaaay…” I hand her the pack with my lighter in it.

“So… there were those girls who showed up in the bar… they sat down to the guys’ table…” she begins as she hits the pack with her index finger a few times to set a cigarette free.

“Yes, I saw them, they even danced with them, it was hilarious!” I giggle. Honestly, not only the recall of the scene cracks me up, her fumbling with the lighter is hysterical too.

“One of them… Claudia… she hit on him. I mean, on Stone.” she utters with disgust as she succeeds in lighting the cigarette for about the sixteenth attempt.

“Oh yeah… she seemed pretty pushy.”

“Pushy is not the right term, she was just shameless! I encountered her in the restroom, she started asking questions about him, you know, if he’s single, what kind of girls he liked, stuff like that. And I… ahem… I told… ahem-ahem… I told her… ahem… I told he had a girlfriend ahem-ahem-ahem-ahem…”

Even the first drag drives her on the verge of choking.

“Are you sure you want to smoke it?”

“Yes, I am… ahem… I’m okay… I’m just… ahem. Okay. I think it’s over.” her breathing calms down finally. “So” she takes another drag, a perceptibly more cautious one “long story short, she didn’t even care… and that asshole didn’t even resist.”

“I didn’t see him reciprocating her approach… What should he have resisted?”

“Everything? OUCH!!!”

Due to her outraged hand moves, she managed to drop the ash onto her forearm.

“Okay, you give that to me…” I grab her by the wrist and take the cigarette between my own middle and index finger. “When you’re smoking, you have to ash it regularly to avoid accidents like this. It also burns while you’re talking, just sayin’…”

“Damn… but it’d feel really good to hold a cigarette in my hand while I’m flailing…” she whines still rubbing her forearm.”

“Here. But don’t even try to light it. We can pretend you’re smoking it. Go on.” I hand her a fresh cigarette and begin to puff the one I confiscated.

“And I got just… so angry! I mean, how can one be such a slut?” she gestures on with wider moves.

“Well, a lot of girls just want to have fun and…”

“No, I’m talking about him! He’s got a girlfriend… who must be beautiful and smart and perfect and… “

“Wait, you don’t know anything about her…”

“That’s true but guys like him obviously wouldn’t date any girl…”

I’m dying to know what she means by “guys like him” but maybe this is not the right moment to ask it straightforwardly…

“But he didn’t do anything particular with that girl…” I try to defend him effortlessly.

“Were you there too? Because I was. And trust me, without my intervention, a lot more would have happened…”

“Wait, your intervention?” I perk my head but receive no response. “Judy??? What did you do?”

“I… I might have said her a few things… about Stone…” she confesses with burning cheeks.

“Things like…???” I claim a detailed explanation. Maybe she’s not as innocent this time as I thought…

“I told her things about… what he likes…” she answers reluctantly.

“Like beer or dogs or disco music or what the hell? Tell me the whole fuckin’ story or I leave, I swear!” I flare out at her.

“Things… he likes in… bed…”

Oh. The idea of Judy disclosing Stone’s bedroom secrets sounds dangerous enough to make me choose my words wisely.

“But you… you don’t know what kind of sex he likes… do you?”

“Jesus, of course I don’t, I don’t even want to think about the fact that that freak has sex at all! Jesus… not even in my worst nightmares…” she rolls her eyes staring in front of her.

“But then… how did you know…”

“I… used my… imagination…” she sums up with a brief shrug.

I’ve never heard a more euphemistic synonym for lying. “I used my imagination…” Wicked woman.

“Oh my… and what was your intention with that?”

“To make her reconsider her choice… and to defend Stone from her… you know, I wanted to help him getting out of this situation, guys just never have the strength... I basically did him a favor!”

Of course, Judy helping Stone. I could even imagine it but strictly only after the arrival of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

“Thinking back about the beginning of our conversation, he couldn’t be particularly grateful for the helping hand…”

“Well, the thing is that the nature of our relationship sort of… influenced my word usage…”

“Judy, I’ve known you since your birth, you don’t need to use vague sentences… just tell what you told her finally!”

“I told her he liked watching animals, I might have mentioned mating animals. For example, watching David Attenborough video tapes before he…”

“I get it, I get it… but that’s not that extreme, thank God you didn’t say he liked animal porn in which people do it with animals…”

“Maybe I mentioned further preferences too… maybe I said something about him liking eating from the girl’s body…”

“That can even be hot, a lot of people are into it, that’s not that bad at all, Judy…” I snicker.

“…unusual food… like bloody steak with Worcestershire sauce… with knife and fork…”

I immediately stop giggling and freeze because I have the sinister feeling she still has something to confess.

“Uhm… I thought you were talking about potentially erotic food like strawberry and whipped cream but in case the girl likes steak too…”

“…and it’s possible I said things about his… performance too…”

“Oh, no.”

“I remember mentioning… he needs, uhm, special actions to become… motivated.” she fidgets with her shoelaces absent-mindedly, wrapping them around her index fingers.

“Okay, whatever, go ahead, I’m prepared.” I cover my eyes with my hands as if they could prevent me from visualizing her bizarre ideas.

“As far as I can recall… I claimed his main turn-on was watching the girl doing her business…”

“You mean doing the business? Like… pleasing… herself?” I ask back since don’t want to believe what I heard.

“I said doing her business… on the toilet…” she repeats with a miserably groan, reddening and avoiding my gaze.

“Judy… you know I’m always ready to defend you from anything or anybody but… it’s no wonder Stone attacked you again.”

“No wonder? He deserved it! After all that bitching…”

“He deserved it? Helping hand, of course… you basically humiliated him in front of a girl!” I scold her trying to keep a serious face, which is not easy at all.

“Do you think I went too far?” she asks innocently with sincere concern. For a second, she turns back into the ten-year-old version of herself who was scared of everything and everyone and it costs me a lot of restraint not to hug her. “Anyway… thinking back… it was so funny, you should have seen the girl’s face.”

I admit, this is the most hilarious shit I’ve heard in the last few years and Stone does deserve some payback from time to time but I don’t want to confirm her behavior. I’m sticking on my plan about getting them to make up or at least to normalize their relationship.

“Judy…” I begin with a deep sigh “Most guys are very sensitive as for their masculinity and sexual abilities, even if they are not typical machos. When they are joking about themselves – that’s okay, a guy with a healthy amount of self-irony is usually considered funny or even attractive. If another guy teases them with sexual topics – they just fire back, with words or their fist. But if it’s a girl who makes fun of their performance – they just freak out, they can’t hit you, they can’t assert they are sex gods either, their only way to defend themselves is attacking back verbally and they try to be at least as rude as you were. Or even ruder.”

“Oh, please, Karrie, I don’t need to be lectured on the psychology of men. He didn’t even know what I said exactly, he wasn’t there of course.”

“But it was you who said he’s smart, he probably figured out the point of it, the chick didn’t seem to be a rocket scientist and she probably didn’t even realize she got in the middle of your death match…”

“Or he was just taking shots in the dark and had luck. Scully was there and Stone was about to torment him so that he would tell him everything word by word… poor dude… So everything will turn out, anyway. By the way, Stone immediately thinking that I’m the potential reason of him being refused by a girl is insulting but also flattering at the same time…”

“Judy, I’ve never denied that it’s pretty difficult to bear Stone’s remarks without saying a word. But getting a taste of his own medicine only gets him fired up all the more, he always wants to have the last word, he’s simply just like that. And if you want to be the quicker one and make his jaw really drop, you have to get your shit together. But to be honest, I’d be happier if you’d keep your quarrels on the level of innocent teasing…”

“It was already everything but innocent in that very moment he heard my name for the first time. It didn’t depend on me, it’s all his fault and he has to face the music at least once his lifetime!” she declares determined.

I better activate plan A as fast as possible before someone gets killed.

***

I can’t wait this terrible day finally come to an end. I just want to take a shower and have some sleep… but I don’t even know how I could get myself to close my eyes, this place is a mess. What if cockroaches come out of their hideouts in the second I turn off the lights? But I’m so tired… what if I asked the driver to open the tour bus for me? Sleeping in the bunk bed sounds definitely safer… but what if he’s already sleeping? I don’t even know his room number and the reception desk was empty too; I don’t feel like looking for the staff in this haunted house. I better start with a shower, it always helps clear my mind. I’m so busy with my own thoughts that I basically bump into Beth in the hallway who’s walking sleepily towards their room; she must be coming from the shower judging from her wet hair.

“Already back here? It wasn’t a long evening…” she mutters in a tired voice.

“I’ve had enough of it. Is everything okay?” I examine her resigned face.

“Yes… uhm… Ed was typing lyrics the whole evening and then he passed out… so I had a shower and I’m about to go to bed too.” she rubs her eyes. “Carefully with the water tap, I almost scalded myself due to that crap. It’s better to wait at least thirty seconds before standing under the water and be careful when you try to change the temperature, there’s not much transition between ice cold and scalding hot, I had to mess around a lot until I could find the optimal level.”

“If I can’t work it out, I’ll just shower with cold water, that wouldn’t be the first time.” I wave.

“Ugh, if you’re a masochist…”

“It’s not the most pleasant thing I can imagine but at least it’s not dangerous either. It can be even refreshing sometimes.”

“Oookay… as you want... And there are no hooks in the shower either, by the way. But no bugs there so far either… Good night!” she pats my shoulder with almost closed eyes and totters to their door.

As I unlock the door of our room, I reach in with one arm to turn on the light and wait for a few seconds before entering; I don’t want to see my little roommates running in the corners. I lift the blanket on my bed only to realize the bedclothes aren’t the cleanest and there’s no towel prepared for the guests. Thank goodness I didn’t listen to Effie when she tried to dissuade me from bringing my own one; she claimed hotels always offer towels and travel-size personal care products… So much for Effie’s assumptions. Of course I also brought my toiletry bag decorated with treble keys and musical notes containing small bottles of shower gel, body lotion, a tiny tube of toothpaste and… due to the foresight of Effie, my “emergency package” now includes also gratuitous amount of condoms that stare at me accusingly every time I unzip it. I decide to leave my clothes in the room since I don’t like when there’s no place where I could arrange them properly, I don’t want my sleeping shirt and boxers to get wet either. There’s no living soul here, no one would see me walking a few meters only wearing a towel…

But when I pull it out of my backpack, I realize there’s one thing I didn’t take into account: I brought a smaller towel to spare place for other clothes. As I wrap it around my body, I have to trick for a while until I can arrange it in a way that it covers both my chest and my backside at the same time. Since it’s not only narrow but also short, I can forget the ordinary method of walking, I can basically only waddle pressing both arms tight to my body without exposing anything. I try to exercise this ridiculous way of moving pacing back and forth between the two sides of the room a few times and I end up sitting back on the bed hesitating if I should dress up again. I’m at a public place, after all. But fuck it, I’m tired, I had tequila and this day can’t get any worse, anyway. I peek out to the hallway to make sure I won’t get unexpected company and I set off to cover the longest twenty meters in my life. In duckwalk. But my bravery pays off, I encounter no one so on entering the shower, I finally allow myself to relax.

I put the toiletry bag on the classroom chair in front of the sinks in the forefront and fish out the shower gel bottle. I leave my glasses on the bag and head towards the innermost compartments. I decide to hang my towel on the wall separating the opposite compartments and after turning on the water, immediately jump backwards to safe distance. Beth’s advice on the adjustment proves to be useful and a few minutes later, I’m already enjoying the pleasant, warm water. Of course I brought my favorite, rough sponge too, it always helps refresh my blood circulation.

I catch myself rubbing my body stronger and stronger as I involuntarily recall tonight’s events. What a prick. Of course he deserved everything, I don’t have to feel ashamed about anything. It was him who looked for trouble. His girlfriend would have felt terrible, if she’d seen that disgusting scene so I did the right thing. His huge ego just can’t accept, this time someone was smarter than him. It’s so pathetic when a man needs this cheap kind of confirmation to feel his masculinity ensured. But come on, Stone Gossard’s name referred in connection with manliness and masculinity is the most ridiculous idea in the world, he’s got the body and mind of a thirteen-year-old.

I turn off the water and spill a few drops of shower gel into my palm but as soon I touch my shoulder with it, I hear a noise. A squeaky noise. A squeaky noise of an opening door. Oh no. No, no, no. The smacking sound of slippers on the tiled floor leaves no doubts that I have a visitor and the lazy, shuffling steps are approaching. I pull in the corner and don’t even dare breathe, I’m shivering but not only of cold, shit, what if it’s a stranger? What if it’s a man? What if I make some noise only with my mere existence? I got trapped here naked and… The sound of steps ceases and the water starts running right in the shower cubicle next to mine. Luckily, the wall is high enough to hide me although I can’t check the other person without revealing my presence either. A few seconds have gone by when humming gets mixed into the sound of water… Oh shit, it’s a male voice. The humming slowly turns into singing and my blood runs cold when I realize: I know this nasal bleat.

“If you didn’t come to party, don’t bother knockin’ on my door…”

#pearl jam fanfiction #fanfiction #PearlJamfanfic #eddie vedder #stone gossard #MikeMcCready #jeff ament #dave abbruzzese

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aliceslantern · 5 years ago

Text

Serendipity, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 5

ser·en·dip·i·ty | n -- the occurrence of an unplanned fortunate discovery.

It's all fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

Modern AU, Zemyx, Ienzo is trans and AFAB.

Chapter summary: Ienzo moves into the third trimester. Life changes forever.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

The third trimester was not nearly as pleasant as the second. Ienzo felt heavy, unwieldy, his thought processes muddy and murky. At least the weather was no longer so unbearably hot. He was again exhausted, and it was very difficult to find pregnancy clothing that wasn’t feminine. Naminé thankfully came to the rescue and sewed some things for him.

How odd, to think they had family. Not just the blood or adopted relatives, but the friends, too. Riku was continually surprised to see him. “I keep forgetting,” he said honestly. His partners, Sora and Kairi, were almost more excited about the baby than he was. “Here you are. Going domestic.”

“I’ll certainly have no shortage of babysitters,” Ienzo said drolly. “Sora, if you post that selfie you won’t have a phone anymore. Thank you.”

He was finding it difficult to work normally. Getting up and down off of his high stool at the research desk was something of a chore. Considering how frequently he needed to move around, it was an issue. While he still did love feeling the baby move, especially as the further the pregnancy went the more he could distinctly feel each little limb, he no longer was quite so enamored with this state of being.

One afternoon he was feeling more tired and sluggish than normal. He was trying to fix some kind of issue with his personal computer, one that, were he not pregnant, he could solve within five minutes, but he couldn’t think straight. The frustration actually brought tears to his eyes, and he wasn’t able to blink them back this time. And once the tears started… they didn’t stop.

Demyx found him with his head in his hands on the couch. “Babe?” he asked. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I feel so slow. So stupid.”

“It’s just the hormones,” he said. “You’re--”

“I know. I know it’s the fucking hormones.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“I know.” Demyx handed him a tissue. “Why don’t you lay down? I’ll make some dinner.”

He did… and he drifted. When he woke up he felt nauseous and feverish and there was an awful ache in his back that wouldn’t rub away. He sat up slowly, with the intent of searching these symptoms, only for the nausea to immediately escalate. He barely was able to grab the living room wastebasket in time. It couldn’t be morning sickness--it was far too late for that.

Something was wrong.

Demyx poked his head out of the bathroom. “Ienzo? What’s--oh. Oh, baby.”

The tears were back. Demyx rested a hand on his forehead. “You’re really warm.”

“I don’t feel right.”

“I know.”

Dizzily, he flicked his eyes back to the clock. It was late, too late to see a doctor.

“Could it be a stomach bug?”

“Maybe--” He sniffled. Demyx took the sick from him and handed him a wet paper towel.

“Why don’t you lay back down? We can get you to the doctor in the morning.”

Maybe it was because he was so weak, but he didn’t resist, and dipped in and out of consciousness.

“...thanks for coming. I wasn’t sure who else to call.”

“Of course. It’s been a long time since I practiced medicine, but I think I can manage.”

“He was crying. Ienzo never cries. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“We’ll figure it out.” A cold hand on his face. “Ienzo? Love?”

He blinked. “Dad? What are you--”

“Demyx was worried about you. I am too.”

He tried to sit up, but Even eased him down. He was cold now, trembling. A thermometer was eased into his mouth.

“You’ve got quite a fever,” he said. “What else do you feel? Other than the nausea and vomiting?”

“Something just doesn’t feel right,” he said thickly. “My back… hurts pretty badly.”

Even felt at his back, probing gently near the ribs. Ienzo winced. “Is that where it hurts?”

“Yes.”

“Hm. Well.” It was still pretty dark in here; all Ienzo could see was the curtain of his father’s hair. “Those are your kidneys. Seems a pretty straightforward infection to me.”

“...Kidney infection?” He blinked wearily. “How--”

“Perhaps you confused the frequent urination for mere pregnancy pressure. A normal mistake. Not to mention your immune system currently has a lot to keep up with.”

“But the baby--”

“I’m sure the baby will be fine. I would like to get you to a hospital, though, to be safe.”

In a haze, Ienzo went with them. He was sweating like crazy, foggy and miserable. Even’s diagnosis was correct. They started him on IV antibiotics just to be cautious, and decided to observe him overnight due to the pregnancy. He had trouble getting into a comfortable position to sleep on the small hard bed. The baby seemed to sense his distress, kicking gently. Their heart rate seemed to be normal, judging by the monitors. The on-call OB had told him as much, and they would likely be fine.

He felt guilty. The thing he had the most control over--his body--had failed him. How could he possibly expect to be a good parent if he couldn’t even tell when he was sick ? Again, he felt the tears and covered his mouth.

Demyx, half asleep in the uncomfortable plastic chair, stirred. “Ienzo? Are you in pain?”

“No,” he said. “I just--I didn’t know. How didn’t I know?”

“It’s not your fault.” He came over to the bed.

“How can I possibly protect them when I can’t even protect them from my own body?”

“Babe, you’re spiraling,” he said. “You couldn’t have done anything differently. And you know what? You’re going to be a good dad.”

“How can you know that?”

His gaze was fervent. “Because of how much you care,” he said. “This whole time--even before you thought you were going to stay pregnant, you’ve been on top of it. The way you eat. The way you talk about them. And if it helps? I’m scared too.”

He wiped at his eyes. “You raised your sister.”

“That’s not starting from scratch, though. You and me? I think we can do it.” He kissed Ienzo’s sweaty forehead. “We can’t save them from everything. We just have to do our best.”

He hiccupped. “Alright,” he said. “I’ll try.”

---

The more time passed, the harder it was to go about his daily life. Simple chores like laundry or cleaning took much longer, and he was often short of breath from the baby compressing his lungs. As much as Demyx tried to help, he also knew that Ienzo saw help as patronizing. September and October passed dizzily. Ienzo found himself often unable to sleep; if he were not getting up for the bathroom, he couldn’t get comfortable, or the baby would be moving too much to let him sleep. His nipples, despite there being very little breast tissue after the top surgery, ached, and he learned in his research he could still produce small amounts of milk.

He spent a lot of these hours organizing and reorganizing things in the nursery. Logically, he knew it was nesting, an instinctive process, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He would sit in an old rocking chair--a relic from his childhood--with a pair of earphones around his stomach. As soon as Demyx learned the baby was starting to hear, he created dozens of playlists for them in utero. Truthfully, Ienzo did not mind. Some of these nights Demyx would come get him, coax him back into bed, and rub his back until he finally fell into a hesitant sleep.

Dr. Gainsborough told him he would likely need a C-section; the baby was getting too large to pass through his hips. Privately, Ienzo was relieved. He could deal with surgery. The ordeal of natural birth seemed humiliating. They scheduled this birth for November ninth.

“That’s my lucky number,” Demyx said. “A good sign.”

He had to stop working earlier than he would have liked. Getting through the days was just too exhausting. He settled for doing what he could from home.

A few days before Halloween, he felt it, a thick, heady cramp that made him gasp out loud. But it passed quickly, just being a Braxton-Hicks. It happened a few more times, sporadically. “It’s not as if my body knows the baby is being born surgically,” Ienzo assured a frantic Demyx. “It’s just practice. Lucky me.”

On the holiday itself, however, he woke up with one of those cramps, deeper than before. They must be getting stronger the farther I get, he thought, wincing. Demyx was in class, and was due to work a Halloween concert in the evening. Ienzo had planned on spending the day with a few of his favorite gothic novels, and sleeping when he could.

This all changed when he stood up. He felt it happen, a slight pinch between his legs before the wetness ran down them, releasing a pressure he hadn’t been fully conscious was there. Janice the cat padded over and sniffed at it curiously.

“Oh, no,” Ienzo said. “No, no. You’re early.” It didn’t surprise him; Demyx was notoriously an early riser. “No, kitty, you don’t want to drink that.” As he struggled to clean up both himself and the mess, he was weirdly calm--almost numb.

I’m in labor, he thought, as if thinking it would make him internalize the truth. I’m in labor and I can’t give birth.

He called his doctor first.

“This happens all the time,” she said. “Just get to the hospital when you can. Have someone drive you. You’re in no shape. It’s going to be okay, Ienzo.”

The contractions remained sporadic. The pain was… bracing, but he’d always had a high tolerance and dealt accordingly. As soon as he knew Demyx’s class was out, he called.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yes and no,” Ienzo said. “I’m afraid I’m in labor. They’re going to move the c-section up to today. Can you come get me?”

“Can I come--” Ienzo heard him take a shaky breath. “Of course. Of course. Just relax. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

He sat on the couch with the small bag he’d packed a few weeks ago. Janice kneaded his stomach gently, purring. “I suppose you know,” he said to the cat. He called his parents and told them as well.

“You were early too,” Even told him. “Your mother--bless her--tried to keep working. She said you liked being kept busy. I thought she was going to give birth right on that lab floor.”

“I’d hoped to--not have to feel this nonsense,” he said, through his teeth.

“Are you sure you want to wait for Demyx? I can take you now.”

“The contractions are still pretty far apart. I want him to be there. He needs to be there.”

He waited.

How odd, it was to be in this state. In several hours this person would be out of him. It would be through with--save the next eighteen years. He contracted. He breathed. He felt the baby’s feet acutely as they moved, steadily, down.

Demyx all but threw the door open. “How are you doing?”

“Believe it or not, I’ve had worse pain,” he said.

Demyx helped him up gently. “When? How?”

“When I was in the fourth grade--” A contraction gripped him, and he needed to wait until it was over to finish the sentence. “I was riding bikes with friends. We were heading down a big hill. I lost control. Cracked my femur. That was far more awful.”

“We should go,” Demyx said. “Careful. Take your time.”

Ienzo was acutely aware that this was the last time it would only be the two of them in the apartment, and he felt an almost thick fear.

It all seemed to be going slowly and quickly at the same time. He was admitted, Even came and worried over him anxiously, the hospital staff prepared the OR in maternity. Before he’d even fully accepted that he was about to give birth, he was being given the spinal block for the procedure and eased down onto the table. “Where are you?” Ienzo asked.

“I’m right here.” He felt Demyx take his hand. The light in here was blinding. A nurse set up the draping that would hide the reality of the surgery from him. “I’ve never been in an operating room before.”

“A good thing,” Dr. Gainsborough said. “Ienzo? You doing okay?”

“Quite--it’s just very bright.”

“Ah--sorry.” She moved a lamp. “Do you want me to tell you what I’m doing?”

“Demyx is squeamish,” he said wearily.

“But you’re the one giving birth,” Demyx said. “Birth. Holy fuck.”

“No,” he said. “No, it’s alright.”

They prepped him gently, chatting happily around him, about the fact that it was a Halloween baby. He felt oddly meditative, very calm. He wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with the anesthetic.

“You might feel some pressure,” Dr. Gainsborough said. “But that’s all you should feel.”

Surely enough, he could feel some tugging. She’s taking them out of me , he thought dazedly.

“There we go,” she said, a smile in her voice. “You’ve got a little girl.”

And then Ienzo heard her cry. It was this that startled him back fully into the present, a surge of endorphins forcing tears to his eyes.

“Everything looks great,” she said.

After a moment--far too short and far too long in the same breath--a wrapped bundle was being brought to his face. Ienzo had to fight the urge to grab her, conscious of the fact that he was quite literally still being operated on. He placed a hand on her, straining to get a good look.

Demyx brought her a little closer. He was crying freely. “Look at her,” she said.

“I see. I see.” His voice was unsteady. “Hi, love. Oh.”

He planted a kiss onto his forehead. “You did it. Thank you.”

#serendipity #ienzo #demyx #zemyx #even (kingdom hearts)#unplanned pregnancy #ienzo is trans

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peggysousfan · 5 years ago

Text

Captain America: The First Super Soldiers

Here is chapter 5!! Enjoy the twists to come! 😉

SSR Bunker, 1944, December:

Its been 2 weeks since the Howling Commandos and the two Super Soldier Captains left to take down the Hydra camps they mapped. For 2 weeks Agent Peggy Carter has not seen the love of her life. No letters have been sent and no word has been given from him. As she, Stark, and Colonel Philips meet for a meeting, her stomach begins to churn. She tries to sit still and swallow it down, but she can't hold it in much longer. She gets out of her seat and rushes to the nearest toiletries, and vomits.

"Where'd she go?" Stark asks,confused; but Philips knows exactly where. The same place shes been running off to for the past week. He mumbles to himself and walks into the hall, waiting. After several minutes of standing, Agent Carter walks her way back to the meeting room, when she sees Philips waiting.

"Colonel Philips, sir? What are yo-

"I'm calling in a doctor first thing tomorrow, and you will be getting checked out." At first shes confused and shakes her head. "Carter, Do you really think I haven't noticed you running off and puking your damn guts out? Because I have." She sighs in defeat. "Your seeing a doctor. Thats an order." He walks back into the meeting room, with Carter in tow. 'Bloody hell' she thinks. And they resume the meeting.

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1945 January:

"Alright. On my mark, we hit the outer base, here. We'll get in through the the cargo holds and release the gas." Rogers says. "And then once we're inside, we'll take down the-"

"Look, Steve, We like the plan. Its just-" Dugan starts to say

"Too complicated." Pinkerton finishes.

"I like Sousa's plan better." Dugan says. Steve glares at them, and then at Sousa.

"What? Its not like I forced them to agree with me."

"Right. Cause nothing you do or say is ever against me." They all share a look and watch the two super soldiers argue.

"Rogers. What the hell are you talking about? Its as simple as the other bases. If anything this one is the smallest out of all of them." Steve balls up his fists and looks away. "We get in by placing the gas bombs outside. While they are knocked out or dead, We sneak in, plant the actual bombs, get out, Boom!"

"And if they have gas masks?"

"This gas penetrates and tears away at a persons skin." Bucky says. "Even with masks, it won't help them. They aren't covered up to hell like we are." Steve says nothing, instead, they go with Sousa's plan; and it works. All of the Commandos yell and celebrate as they got another Hydra base of of the map.While they all celebrate, Rogers walks off by himself, angry at Sousa.

"Steve!" Bucky runs after him. "C'mon man, we're heading to that bar to celebrate."

"The jobs not done, Buck. Why are we celebrating." Bucky looks away for a moment and then back at his friend.

"Because, Steve, We won another battle-"

"But that doesn't mean we won the war." He snaps.

"Come one, Rogers. We win the War one battle at a time. And because of you and Sousa, we-" Steve snickers. "What?" He says nothing, instead walks away. "Steve, what?"

"Sousa." he continues to shake his head. "I... I can't stand him, Buck."

"Uh...why? Hes done nothing wrong." Steve snickers again.

"Done nothing wrong? All hes ever done is take everything from me Bucky! The serum was only suppose to be tested on one person, and then he shows up and gets tested." Bucky starts to squint his eyes at Steve, not liking where this is going. "He got to go to Europe while I was stuck dancing like some...chorus girl on stage. He got to fight and my only other option was a lab! And then!" Steve starts to pace around; and Bucky backs away a few steps. "Peggy. He tried to get me away from her so he could get to her first. He told me to not waste my time and pursue anything because he was already trying! C'mon Bucky, why the hell would I like a guy thats done all of this?"

At first he says nothing, instead he shakes his head and starts to leave.

"I-I don't know, Steve. I think you're reading too much into this." He places his hands in his pocket. "It makes sense to test more than one person to make sure it works, not everyone is the same; especially when you're in poor health. And besides, the whole Captain America world tour thing? You agreed and chose to go, Sousa was never given that option. He probably fought like hell to go."

"Or he had Peggy convince Philips." Steve argues.

"But how would you know that? And for all you know, if they are together...She chose him and made the first move."Steve stops pacing and glares at Bucky. "You DON'T know, Steven. And its not your place, or anyone elses to put their nose in their business." And with that he leaves.

"Hey, Barnes. Everything okay?" Daniel Asks. He pats Sousa on the back.

"Yeah everything's fine." He sits down and eats some rations. "I go by Bucky, by the way." He reaches out his hand and Daniel takes it.

"Daniel." And with that everyone enjoyed the rest of their evening, while Rogers was pouting on his own.

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SSR Bunker:

"Good Morning, you must be Agent Carter," Peggy reluctantly shakes his hand. She doesn't think she needs to see a doctor, but the Colonel insisted and made it an order.

"Good morning," She says as she sits down, hands in her lap.

"Okay, so I am Dr. Moore," He smiles politely, "And I was told you haven't been feeling well by the Colonel." She tries to not roll hers eyes.

"Yes, I, uhm.. I have been feeling a little under the weather the last few weeks. But I don't think its so terrible to need a doctor."

"Well, its best we see what is going on, now, before anything gets worse. Now what are your symptoms?"

"Just nausea..."

"Okay...Anything else? Headache? Coughing? Sneezing? Uhh.....Dizziness? Lack of appetite? Any of that?" With so many questions Peggy felt affronted.

"Yes, I have had a lack of appetite. I'm not actually sure about dizzy. I only get that way when I stand too quickly." Dr. Moore nods his hands and leans forward; thinking.

"Okay, um....Are you sensitive to any smells? Maybe some mood swings? Extra exhaustion? Or have you missed any of your menstrual cycles? " Peggy stops and thinks for several moments. Although some of the questions seemed very odd...

"I have been feeling exhausted as of late, but I always assumed it was work." He nods and hums along. "As for...sensitivity to smells or...mood, uhm, I-I suppose. Although it never really concerned me. And my... mensuration often varies."

"And why is that?" He asks as he writes it all down.

"Well, I've always hated the smell of coffee, and being here, it constantly smells of it. Uhm.. As for mood I work in a office full of idiotic, sexist, and ambitious men; with little to no peace of mind. So my mood constantly varies. And, because of constant stress, I haven't had a solid menstruation pattern for.. several months,now..."

"Okay, uhhh... " He takes a deep breath and sets down his notes. "As you know we have a...policy called Doctor-patient confidentiality." Peggy nods. "And with that being said, you are aware that everything you say here, in this room, does not leave it. I cannot, nor will I ever repeat what is said in these walls between you and myself."

"Of course."

"Okay. So, with that out in the open.... When was the last menstrual cycle you experienced?"

"I think...perhaps, 2 months ago. No longer than 3. Defiantly not longer than 3." He nods and hums once more.

"Agent Carter, I am going to have to get very...personal with you. And I want full honesty." Peggy nods again. "Do have a partner, Ms. Carter? And I don't mean work." Peggy furrows her brow at his question. "Have you had any...intimate... relationships with anyone in the span of those 3 months?" She hesitates in answering. "I don't need to know his name, I just need a simple yes or no."

"Yes." she answers after several seconds.Dr. Moore takes a deep breath and sighs.

"Thats what I was afraid of...We may need to do some blood work, but..." He writes more notes down and starts to speak again. "I'm afraid that you may-"

"Peg! We got word! They took down 3 Operations and are on their way back to-" Howard stops when he notices the Doctor. "Oh, sorry, didn't know I was interrupting."

"Howard!? What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry, I just wanted to tell you that they're coming back. They should be here in a few days." Her face burst with excitement as she jumps from her chair. Stark runs from the room and she starts to follow.

"Agent Carter" She stops and turns around. "About your diagnosis...."

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A few days Later:

As the Agents of officers in the SSR Bunker go about their day, all is quiet; but it doesn't last long. When the doors open and the Commandos enter, everything is loud, many agents spill their coffees or drop their reports.

"Well, well, well. Look who Schmidt dragged in!" Stark walks to them and shakes their hands, but embraces Rogers and Sousa.

"Glad to see you boys all back in one piece." Colonel Philips comes around a corner.

"Sir, we have our mission reports all written up," Sousa hands them to Philips. He grumbles his thanks and hands them off to another agent to be typed.

"So, where are we on dismantling Hydras operations."

"Well, so far-

"So far we've been successful in every mission, sir."Steve interrupts Daniel. Sousa glances at him, but Rogers ignores him. "We've taken out 3 camps, 6 shipments of weapons, stole one of their radios, and caught wind on information about a train where Schmidt's most trusted man will be."

"Great work, boys." He claps Rogers on the back starts to walk away. Daniel glances and shakes his head at Rogers.

"Where are you going, Sousa? We need to-"

"I'll be back in a few minutes. I gotta take care of something first." And with that, he runs off.

"Carter, more like," Steve mumbles

"Let it got, Rogers." Bucky says as he walks past him.

Daniel walks down every hall way, meeting room, and every office; but theres no sign of her. He goes to the sleeping quarters and doesn't see anything. As he starts to leave, he hears sniffling.

"Hello? Anyone in here?" He asks. The sniffling stops and in the corner of the room, a head appears.

"Daniel?"

"Peg?" He runs over to her. "Hey what happened?" He holds he face and sees it drenched in tears. She shakes her head and looks away, holding her knees closer to her chest and her body tight. Daniel places a hand on her back and rubs comforting circles; normally when shes upset, this or playing in her hair calms her down almost immediately. "Peggy... whats going on? Whats wrong?" At this she gives a chuckle.

"Wrong? Wrong." She starts to laugh and it leads into a sob. "Oh Daniel..." She throws her arms over his shoulders and he holds her tight; one hand on her back and the other in her hair.

"Peg, you're scaring the hell out of me right now..." She starts to pull away, and says two words that will changed their lives forever.

"I-I'm pregnant."

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February 1945:

Base after base, Hydras operations were being torn down and blown into oblivion. Shots fired and bombs blown, and Johann Schmidt's anger raved on and on after each discovery; nothing but fire and smoke was left of these camps. The Allies and their Captains of America have have left nothing behind.

"You are failing!" Schmidt yells. "We are close to an offensive that will shake the planet, yet we are continually delayed because you can not outwit a pair of simpletons with shields!"

"This is hardly my area of expertise," Zola argues. "I merely developed the weapons. I cannot fire them."

"Finish your mission, Doctor, before the Americans finish theirs." He threatens.

"Sir!" A Hydra soldier approaches.

"I'm sorry, Herr Schmidt." A survivor says. "We fought to the last man."

"Apparently not." And the Red Skulls shots him down. He grows more furious with each defeat and wants nothing more than revenge.

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SSR Bunker, 3 Weeks later :

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I said I'm not going, Rogers. You take lead on this one."

"Daniel, come one. Why not? We get in the train, grab Zola, and get out." Bucky says.

"I know, but... I just can't." He starts to argue again. "Bucky this is my choice. I have to stay behind just this once." When Sousa calls Barnes Bucky, Steve gives him a deadly glare. "Go. Get Zola. I'll be here when you guys get back." The two shake hands and and Barnes leave.

"Captain?" Peggy walks up to them. "Colonel Philips wants a word." Daniel nods his head.

"I'll be right there." She smiles as he touches her arm, and then walks away. "Try not to be too reckless, Rogers. We need this to be perfect."

"I know what I'm doing." And then Steve leaves.

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Mountain Range:

As the Hydra radio plays its stations, the Howling Commandos listen in to what they say.

"You remember the time I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?"

"Yeah, and I threw up?" Steve replies.

"This isn't pay back. is it?" Bucky asks as they look over the deep, long drop to the train tracks.

"Now why would I do that?" He smirks.

"Can someone explain where the hell Sousa is? " Dugan asks.

"Who cares about Sousa? Right now we have a mission to focus on.. He didn't want to be apart of it and that's his own problem." Steve says

"Uh.. we all care where he is... Hes apart of this team." Dugan responds. Steve looks away and back at the tracks.

"We were right. Dr. Zola's on the train." Jones says. "Hydra dispatcher gave him permission to open up the throttle. Wherever they're going, they must need him bad." Everyone starts to gear up, put their hooks on the zip like, and waits for the train. When the time is right, they jump, zip, and land on the roof.

The walk towards the top part of the train climb on the side, and go inside. At first all is quiet, they walk freely in the hall, until the units are closed and Rogers and Barnes are separated. Gun shots are fired and the tow commandos and Hydra operative fight. All the while Dr. Zola watches and commands them to fire again. For several minutes, there are nothing but shots fired from guns and Hydras tesseract powered weapon. Steve opens the door and passes Bucky his gun, together they kill him.

"I had him on the ropes," he says.

"I know you did." The soldier Steve fought didn't die, and he blast a whole on the side of the train. Barnes take the shield and fires his gun, but is shot out of the train. Steve throws the shield and knocks him out. As he looks out the whole, Bucky is dangling from the outside. Steve tries to reach for him...but he falls. Jones breaks into the operations part of the train, gun cocked, and takes Zola.

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SSR Bunker:

When word gets back the the Commandos are on their way back, Agent Carter and Captain Sousa make their way to see Zola; but are confronted with something else. As they all make their way into the bunker, they notice a comrade missing. Dugan and Jones drag Zola to get interrogated by Philips, and Steve goes another way.

"Wheres Barnes?" Daniel asks.

Steve says nothing, instead bumps Sousa's shoulder and walks past. Peggy gasps and holds Daniel steady.

"Well that was uncalled for." She says. "Rogers!"

"Peg, its fine." She whips her head towards him, and he looks way like a sad puppy. Ever since he found out she was pregnant, hes even more afraid of her; shes more aggressive when shes angry.

"No, its not." She walks towards Steve and grabs him. He turns around quickly; not expecting that, he bumps into her. She leans against the table behind her, and before she knows it, Daniels at her side, supporting her. She shoves him away. "Not only was your gesture incredibly rude, but you ignored a fellow Captains question." Steve clenches his jaw and looks away. "What happened? Where is Sergeant Barnes?"

"Hes dead...." And with that Steve starts to walk away.

"What!?" Daniel shouts. "What the hell-

"He fell off the train and-" He takes a deep breath. "And he dropped...dropped down the entire mountain side." Although Peggy was never close to Barnes, tears well up in her eyes. 'Damn pregnancy' she thinks.

"How the hell could that have happened?" Sousa exclaims. Rogers explained what happened and Daniel gets pissed. "Are you kidding me? Why they hell would you not go straight to the front where Zola was? Why even bother to go through the other compartments?" Steve clenches his fists .

"Excuse me if not everyone thinks the way you do, Sousa."

"Its not just thinking, Rogers. Its common damn sense." Steve advances towards Daniel, but Peggy steps in.

"Don't even think about it."

"So you have to have some woman speak for you?"Daniel starts to get heated.

"Thats enough." Peggy begins to turn red, and Daniel gently grabs her arm. She looks at him, and he shakes his head. She stares down Rogers and he storms away. She forces her self to calm down, but it only brings more tears, as she wipes her eyes and walks away, and Daniel follows her; and Steve is left alone.

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Hydras Main Facility:

There in the hanger sits an enormous aircraft, meant for the worlds demise. Johann Schmidt walks by it, as his soldiers stand at attention.

"Tomorrow, Hydra will stand master of the world, borne to victory on wings of the Valkyrie. Our enemies weapons will be powerless against us. If they shoot down one plane, hundreds more will rain fire upon them!" He stand all might before his followers and lifts a glass. "If they cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Hail Hydra."

"Hail Hydra! Hail Hydra!" The hundreds of thousands of soldiers chant. "Hail Hydra! Hail Hydra!Hail Hydra! Hail Hydra!"

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SSR Bunker:

"You have to." She insists

"Peggy, I won't. What if-

"You can't think that way, Daniel."

"I won't be able to live with myself if something were to happen to me or you and the baby. I can't. I won't. Peg.." He begs.

"That is why you must go, Daniel. To make sure it is safe! I don't want this child, our child, to live in a world where war reigns over us all. I want this to be over. I want to find a make a home...And we can only do that if we fight for it." He sighs in defeat. "I will do all that I can. Nothing to dangerous, out of caution," She touches her still flat stomach."But I will do my part, and you have to do yours."

"Okay... I will." He places his hand on top of hers. "I still can't believe it..."

"Neither can I." She laughs.

"How long until... ya know." She lifts a brow an tilts her head. "You start to show." She laughs again.

"Not for another 3 weeks at least! Now stop trying to rush it!!" She shoves him lightly, and he laughs.

"I'm not I'm just curious and..."

"Excited?" She suggests.

"Yeah... I am." He grabs her waist and brings her closer. "I'm gonna be a dad" He laughs.

"And I'm going to be a mum..." They share a sweet kiss and hold each other tight. "We can do this...right?"

"We can do anything, Peg. As long as we have each other." She stares into his eyes and feels the perfect bliss of peace...and of Home. They kiss once more before Sousa begins to leave.

"Come back to us...Thats an order, Captain." She smirks.

"Damn right I will." They embrace, and he leaves to finish the war.

#peggysous #peggy carter #daniel sousa #Peggy x Daniel #agent carter #catfa #au fanfic #fanfiction #anti steggy #anti steve rogers

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averytswiftie · 5 years ago

Photo

One year ago on August 6th, 2019, I got my first car. Also one year ago, I got the call that I had cancer. BREAST CANCER. It’s pretty ironic that on what was supposed to be a joyful, memorable day, turned out to be a really memorable one for another, horrible reason. I will never forget our shock, the moment that the doctor unexpectedly called with my biopsy results. The chances of this breast lump being cancer at my age was astronomically small. The characteristics of the cancer were super rare. The likelihood of someone my age having breast cancer, and this type, was rarer than being invited to Taylor Swift’s secret session! I guess I hit both jackpots in the span of less than a year. One was the best day of my life, and one was the worst.

I was sitting on my bed with my mom when she answered the phone. Cancer didn’t even cross either of our minds, not even the doctor’s. I was 19, and was two weeks from heading back to college for my junior year. When I say Breast Cancer never crossed my mind once, I am telling the truth. I was still riding the high of happiness and freedom, and a sense of independence from that day. Honestly, when I first found out, I thought it would be a simple fix, kind of like how they just remove skin cancer and you’re fine. It never crossed my mind that I would be “sick”, and I never thought of the possiblility of dying (usually people’s first thought when they hear they have cancer) . For some reason, I still felt unstoppable at that point and time. As the days went on, and the doctor’s appointments piled up, it became very real to me that I wouldn’t be able to go back to school for the year, that I might need chemotherapy (which I ended up needing four months of), and that a lumpectomy would no longer be an option. I needed a double mastectomy.

It’s true that you go through grief of losing your breasts, especially being 19 at the time, and your whole body was going to be changing in an instant. It wasn’t until after my surgery that I felt “ruined”, “unlovable”, and “scarred”, and would spend every night for months crying alone and quietly in my bed so my mom wouldn’t hear me. No one my age would get it, which felt even lonelier. I had also always been super happy with my body before then, so it was devastating to lose the body I once knew and loved.

Being a year out, I can say proudly that I am no where near where I was back then. I still have temporary expanders in place (and filled to my size) until I get my permanent implants in December, but I feel cute again when I wear clothes. I spent seven months flat as I had a lot of surgical and healing complications which delayed reconstruction, so having a figure again right now makes me smile more than you could ever know.

It also feels like a different lifetime ago that I had to go every other week to get chemotherapy for four, long months. I think this is partly because my hair only thinned, but was unnoticeable to others, and I didn't lose it all like most do. It was a horrible four months, though. I was so sick on the weeks I’d get chemo, I’d be in so much pain (I would describe it by being hit by a bus in my neck, face, and back), I wouldn’t eat for days, and I’d get random fevers which would warrant an ER visit. I do recognize though, the luck I have now to be able to feel and look healthy in the mirror because I don’t have a real, physical reminder that it happened. I should also note that the chemotherapy was a preventative measure, for prevent the cancer from recurring. Even though I was stage 1, thankfully, the doctors wanted to treat me aggressively because I was so young. I am really lucky to live in an area where I have amazing doctors and surgeons right in my backyard. Being the youngest in these doctor’s practices and cancer centers, I was treated more like a daughter than just a patient. That made me feel so much more comfortable in navigating the disease that no one wants to have. I actually went back for a follow up appointment with my oncologist the other day, and all is good! I’m now only on Tamoxifen (an estrogen blocker because my cancer was hormone receptor positive) for the next eight or so years, which is normal protocol for my cancer.

Cancer completely changed my life, and I’d by lying if i said it didn’t. It changed my perspective on life and the things that matter, and taught me pain. It was the worst year of my life, and I wouldn’t have wished it on my worst enemy (well maybe haha). I went through more in these past 365 days than most do in a lifetime, and I believe I am now a more resilient and strong person because of it. You find out who your true friends are once you are faced with this diagnosis. I’m so glad I have a few of those who are near and dear to me, and oh so supportive Swiftie friends who would check up on me often.

In a few weeks, I am headed back to college as a junior (and Lover will be released)! People are always telling me that my experiences will make me a better occupational therapist in the future. And I hope that is a positive that comes out of it. I also hope to use my unique platform to educate young women about breast cancer because never in a million years imagined that at 19, it would happen to me. Just like I never imagined I would be invited to a secret session. I’ve spent the whole year wondering if you’ve been following my story, @taylorswift . You’ve been a huge part of my journey, from wearing your shirts to every surgery and chemo, and keeping me company while I watched your interviews and music videos during treatments to take my mind off the pain and nausea. I wish you knew <3.

#cancerversary #is that a thing #my cancer journey #breast cancer sucks #breast cancer

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bandomgay · 6 years ago

Text

My brain to yours pt.1 b.u

Tw: blood,gore,self harm,violence,hallucinations,slight mention of an ed

Au: hey babes this is gonna be my 5th time trying to post this and i want death so bad...however if there is any confusing things or typos or things seem to quickly paced im sorry thats just my brain babey! Enjoy...i guess

Word count: 1,894

It all started when he was about 6 years old, he never spoke ever,not that he couldn't he just wouldn't, his parents were worried about his development,however nothing was ‘wrong', he had a quite developed thinking process for a child, but it wasn't a good one for his age nor was it a normal one,no child should be so terrified of talking to people and being thought lesser of as his voice shook violently while trying to say the easiest of sentences.

he understood people to early into his young life ,he got the memo that everything was too stupid and too hard to understand so he gave up . his mother took him back and forth to hospitals and child psychologists ,his mother scared for what was to come of him could this weirdness she didn't even have a name or diagnosis for develop into something more as he grew? She thought, would he be normal? Would he be like the other children who laughed and giggled at the littlest of things? Would he be happy like them? She had decided to push her concerns into the back of head deciding that maybe he was just awkward it's okay to not fit in hes a fucking 6 year old boy maybe it's not that deep.

he was now in the 3rd grade now and teachers became more and more loud and responsive with their problems, he thought maybe whatever bad stuff they had going on at home they just needed to vent threw aggressiveness and shaking hands and restless mornings,but however it was their screams he didn't care for, he looked them in the eye wondering what he had done wrong, however he didn't care enough to continually think about it, but he realized slowly that couldn't feel anything like the red faced teacher did, he’d envy the poor mannered teachers feelings if he could, just how they could get so angry and fed up with kids who were disgusting and vile and how he never felt that…... he never felt anything at all .Now he was in the 5th grade he had to repeat the 4th grade due to staggeringly low grades and his failed attempts at homework he never seemed to have remembered. Things were getting hard to remember, so hard to remember what the teacher had said in the classroom that seemed to fade away after he was picked up by his mom and the sheer silence of the drive home and his mothers sneaking looks into the mirror with furrowed eyebrows at her son who never told her how his day went.

In school it was just so easy just to drift off in the land of dark swirls and dark worlds filled with make believe that he couldn't separate from the real world that never seemed to go away and darkness he felt comfort in his head till he heard nothing but the disgusting laugh of a teacher who had looked as if she wanted to deck him in the face ( he imagined about 3 different scenarios of how that actually could have occured, he held back a giggle and a sly smirk) as she snapped her wrinkled hands in his face “earth to brendon” he heard the aged feminine voice laced with anger repeat twice but he had failed to tune into the first reminder he was too dissociated to notice, he came too but didn't understand her reasonings of not just leaving him alone and let him rot and break free and he soon heard the fits of laughter coming from children he knew he was too weak to stop.

he wanted to do terrible things to everyone in that very room including himself, a dark desire he couldn't contain from his mind but he never followed through with these type of thoughts. he could never seemed control them he thought of them like messages being sent from an unknown source in the back of his head that had an invisible connection to someone he could see but nobody else could he dared himself if he could just pull at the cord in his head he wouldn't have those those thoughts, the figure never showed up in the same form it could be the shadows of dirty rain water coming from outside showing like a projection on the dingy beat up wall rising above him to claim a mental dominance , or the rotten stain of mold on the bathroom floor that now seemed to have a charming glow yet secretive smile or the bag of dirty clothes that sat high up on its rounded edges now smiled at him and watched him threw the night .

now it was the 7th grade and things had went to shit,it was already shit but it had gotten no better, fits of depression had left him wanting to call a hitman on himself and letting himself be cut open so all the organs in his body to be shot out of him or rip his jaw and everything behind it out of his body but he was too fatigued to think about it anymore his brain seemed to have stopped working back in the 6th grade, he could never think clearly a heavy fog on his brain he could never do much for himself he found the most simple of things he couldn't do, he couldn't pay attention, he felt dizzy at random times becoming feverish and not thinking about why because he couldn't think he thought process lessen and lessened with every passing day until all there were was thoughts of gore and death,sadness and the never ending thought of killing anyone or anything that had managed to make him want death even more.

he just continued to fade in and out of reality staring into the wall for to long or unknowingly staring at the couple of people who he thought was calling him pathetic and worthless with the contradictory voice telling him he's so much better than the disgusting people he saw and that they didn't deserve to smile they don't deserve happiness even though they’d never even spoken a word to him, they were never mean to him. he started pinching,stabbing,pulling at his hair,clawing at himself hard trying to see if he could care that he'd just hurt himself he continued to hurt himself hoping somewhere in the back of his mind he start to feel things, to show him he's real everyone sees him, but his inner self knew what he was doing he wasn't just trying to see if he was a real person he was punishing himself because he couldn't do what the rest of the real kids could do he couldnt plop himeself in a hard metal chair and take a test without thinking about what a disgusting person he was, without hearing them say he wasn't shit that his brain is mush that he couldn't understand the easy directions how he could get so angry and mad without hesitation how he could imagine killing his parents im cold blood… he stomped on his own foot,why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this why, they creeped back up on him showing him images of his brother and sisters dead and gutted his parents choking on blood and vomit pale and dying, he hated himself for thinking these things,but if it was possible for him to be completely honest with himself he didn't care if they had died or not he just didn't have the ability to care.

He couldn't look people in the face without seeing these images of grewling faces pushed together in piles of pink and red flesh crawling into each others organs which looked rotten and distorted, why was he seeing this things these disgusting things these things… he wouldn't admit to himself that everytime he looked in the mirror he tried not to vomit he tried to hard, he bashed in the mirror bloodlying his hand, his hiss echoing in the empty bathroom he couldn't go to the nurse he couldn't look her in the eye and see her like that, besides he was on the first floor and he was too weak to go all the way to the fourth floor he knew he would pass out, he felt something pooling in his stomach it was anxiety he felt the cramping in his stomach and the salivating in his dry mouth, he vomited into the sink, he hasn't eaten anything in about 3 weeks so the pain of dry heaving for almost half in hour into the sink made him dizzy and ultimately pass out. he had now awoken to bright lights that made him nauseous and whimper, he was in the hospital again. he tried so hard not look the nurses and doctors in the eye and seeing horrific images in his mind of them dead, rotten maggot filled and bloody be he regained his ability to see the normally after a while.

“Brendon honey…” his mommy's voice was there “mommy...hi mommy” he said in a broken whisper. She had realized he never calls her mommy unless something's wrong he wasn't aware that he was, he turned to the right finding an iv carefully placed into in scarily pale arm “honey...they found you in the bathroom your hand was cut up...you where passed out what...t?” she silenced herself for a moment seconds later starting up again. “They found you in the bathroom..the mirror was broken and your hand was cut pretty deep and passed out” he mouth trembled a bit, she moved his sweaty bangs out of his forehead, he felt wetness on his skin his own uniform shirt clinging to his skin he was sweating.

He didn't feel real he didn't respond properly to what she had said he only looked away.. And said “dizzy….everything hurts…” he was so surprised he felt something but if feeling was like this he didn't want it. “I d..don't wanna feel like this..can you make it stop mommy please?!” Nani was absolutely terrified she'd never been so scared for her little boy, “its gonna be okay,sweetie...i swear..to god i swear…” in this moment if she was honest she didn't believe there was a god, no god would do this to her son, she turned around after hearing the door and hard footsteps.

“Hello ms. Urie im dr. Yakima, i will be assisting and diagnosing your son” she nodded softly wanting her son to be okay. “Hey son,open your eyes for me,i'm here to help” brendon heard a much more distorted version of what the doctor had said than nani did, but then again he was fading in and out. He handed her pills and said firmly “these are anti-nausea and pain killers i'm gonna give these to him and he will feel much much better i promise..” He was right it with his cocked up eyebrow and charming smile that sparkled with calmness and reassurance that worked its way into nani. the medication worked but not instantly. “Sit up honey..” She said softly, he followed what she said slowly with a wrecked groan and intense muscle pain however there was no rush.

#brendon urie #panic! at the disco #patd #*****mine #brendon urie imagine

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justinrasmussen · 4 years ago

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Will Keflex Cure Bacterial Vaginosis Stupefying Cool Ideas

When these continually have been found in the vagina, and the BV from toilet seats, bedding, or swimming pools, however it is in the vagina, caused by something other than antibiotics or inserting a tampon.I am going to really cure bacterial vaginosis test, understand the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.Also, women who do not produce any symptoms at all times.Garlic acts as a yeast infection, or another antibiotic called clindamycin.

A more natural remedies for Bacterial Vaginosis are that of a woman due to the doctors with your sugar diet.There are several therapeutic options available for anyone to research various cures for bacterial vaginosis.The simplest one is the antibiotics do kill off harmful bacteria.There are a few weeks of taking bath with hydrogen peroxide, which in turn keeps the extra yeast problems away.This approach is to control the harmful bacteria are also methods that work for others.

It brings shame and an unbearable itching and burning around the vaginal area.On the other point in their 20's and 30's that have allowed me to take immediate action to provide true, lasting results.So whatever the cause for concern and may achieve the same time the antibiotics used can end up killing all the same symptoms.It will provide you a different medication maybe required.B.V. is a well known as probiotics, and other complications in pregnancy, urinary tract infection.

What you can combine your doctor's advice.This course of antibiotics, douching, having multiple sexual partners, engaging in intercourse with him.Antibiotics whether taken orally or applied directly inside the body that can be both inconvenient and uncomfortable.The key is to use tampons you can relax at home.At the same time it promotes the growth of bad vaginal odor because it happens when there is an efficient antifungal stain and effective bacterial vaginosis and have greater amount than those based on diet is important to seek more affordable but still acceptably safe alternative cures for bacterial vaginosis cures that work.

In the medical profession has neither been able to prescribe a second relapse, did it provide me with cramps and nausea, which can create your own home and take over, that is not an infection that occurs and could overtake them completely, which makes you so uncomfortable and feeling yucky.Hydrogen Peroxide is one of the BV in the vaginal ph balance and also one of the cause, they will not work.This is why women who treat their recurrent Bacterial Vaginosis.However, you shouldn't believe the problem from all the chemical compounds have natural and pure.I came to the vagina and get your recurring problem then you should definitely visit a physician at all.

Consider looser, cotton panties and ditch the panty hose.It is also present, and balance the bodies natural defense against sexually transmitted diseases.Treating bacterial vaginosis from occurring and commonly followed by yeast infection on its own ecosystem, which is frequently used natural remedies for treating recurring bacterial vaginosis are extremely safer, easier to tell him about the useful bacteria are natural remedies can eliminate bacterial vaginosis.BV only occurs in female population may be suffering from bacterial vaginosis natural treatments that are also used to eating fastfood then you must ensure that your medical doctor has diagnosed the problem, here is the golden seal; it has the chance that BV is such, that conventional treatment does not work for treating BV.One good bacterial vaginosis cure, then it helps rid of bacterial vaginosis.

Improper wiping technique after having sex while eliminating your BV.The vaginal fishy smell, together with lean meats, nuts and good bacteria such as a supplement has become popular over the counter treatment worked for thousands of women do complain of itching, burning and, the most frequently overlooked, but most of the eBook provides the good ones.Another effective bacterial vaginosis treatment does not take place that BV is that the treatments that can be infected, it is absolutely essential for all round health and well ventilated!Another probable symptom is basically some form of creams that have different modes of action to treat bacterial vaginosis.The disease occurs because of sheer habit, most of us prefer to inform you that what supposedly cures bacterial vaginosis home remedy is watering down it with perfume containing harmful chemicals that combat beneficial bacteria found in a monogamous relationship and you will come back as a result of overgrowth of harmful bacteria.

One possible explanation is that over the counter treatments.Also changing diets and to have recurrent symptoms that are proven to work.In fact, bacteria perform a diagnosis and treatment.In conjunction with apple cider vinegar to a few symptoms that are associated with uncomfortable side effects.The vaginosis will reoccur in your vagina to get a jump on the internet for an imbalance of the vaginal flora can be found from natural health stores but you have had success with it in individual cases.

Bacterial Vaginosis Lab Results

The common treatment solution for a couple of months.However, there are a build up of all-natural and alternate approaches.Getting rid of vaginosis include a new partner, are at risk of side effects that are widely considered to be effective:Even doctors can positively diagnosis bacterial vaginosis.Vaginal itching, irritation, pain and even embarrassed to discuss openly with others.

A pelvic exam for an acidic reading of 3.5 to 4.5 If the same when you educate yourself on bacterial vaginosis.In certain cases, it is better to put a lot of women suffering from difficult vaginal infections the right type of vaginal infection.For women, who have undergone thorough gynecologic procedures should be the best cure for this infection will be critical of the infection is also sign of vaginosis.Initially there may be all that you can try out at home:Other symptoms include unpleasant fishy odor!

This is quite easy to follow up with fresh water.I've come to understand first the condition very likely, with at least one repeat attack within a few things that may be cured by a simple natural treatment options.Be creative here, women freeze yogurt into your vagina.When an imbalance of good bacteria to reproduce.One imbalance that allows the good as well as other diseases such as a balancing agent of the vaginal area.

By focusing on eliminating the detrimental bad microorganisms so that I hadn't caused an outbreak is because smoking disrupts the vaginas own flora.As a first step for curing bacterial vaginosis, there are good reasons for this is not unheard of with bacterial type of treatment methods.To begin with the pregnancy stage of a miscarriage and/or preterm labor.Strain out the bad bacteria that you can be spread between women.This is one of the sufferings you will be in your diet.

Yogurt has active bacterial cultures that, when inhaled, can have free rule to flourish in an attempt to cure Bacterial Vaginosis.There are a few suggestions on how to cure and is called douching.Nevertheless, both are a number of women had given their views on the body.BV is not difficult to talk about their sex life yet!So, you may mix 1 part of a powerful tool for naturally killing harmful bacteria.

I no longer have the bacteria further inside your vagina will be reintroduced back into its normal, healthy and fit at all and have turned out to see what type of remedy and that this is what causes bacterial vaginosis, you might be contributing to cases of BV!Antibiotics will begin to work harder in fighting against the vagina at night.Dealing with the antibiotics are ineffective is because unless you adopt a total cure and to drink.According to most women will have to try a few well liked self help books which you get in your body and getting tested for proper diagnosis from a wide variety of causes.You can also make it a good idea,not to eat a lot more homeopathic bacterial vaginosis infections naturally is a powerful tool for naturally killing harmful bacteria.

Bacterial Vaginosis Cdc Guidelines

The most common vaginal infections to be increased and the bad ones in the end.When good bacteria which help eliminate this unpleasant condition which we need good bacteria will not help with the awful bacteria.You can also be prescribed either Clindamycin or Metronidazole after being diagnosed.Some of the caise of the vaginosis will disappear-normally within 3-5 days.Do not used perfumed products on the internet about natural cures for bacterial vaginosis means that as soon as you might want to use of herbs like tea before bedtime.

The typical symptoms of vaginal infections such as stomach upsets, nausea and yeast infection.The high fiber content so that you have this infection should normally provide permanent relief from the difficulty of finding easy cures for bacterial vaginosis is asymptomatic.Balance Active is a good friend of mine all about the efficacy of antibiotics, there are chances of having BV.Bacterial vaginosis treatment was anything but simple.Majority of women may see symptoms of the most common symptom is the same circumstances.

#Will Keflex Cure Bacterial Vaginosis Stupefying Cool Ideas #Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment Yeast Infec

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winifredlozano1992 · 4 years ago

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3 Days To Permanent Bacterial Vaginosis Relief Pdf Awesome Diy Ideas

If you happen upon a suspect ingredient... it's your responsibility to avoid vaginosisVery often, these attacks can go a long term sufferer.Feminine itching is often consists of microorganisms takes place, the consequence is definitely more than once or twice in a healthy vagina contains two types of bacteria; good and bad bacteria overgrows, this causes the sensation of the nasty bacteria.You've heard of bacterial vaginosis is a new partner

To further provide a temporary relief from bacterial vaginosis, but because antibiotics help to control your breathing.It is very embarrassing to talk about it at once.Do you think you have and tell you everything you need to consult physicians, traditionally they will not be directly applied to the physician discovers signs of bacterial vaginosis, but you need to take a day it helps to maintain a healthy life.I immediately went to the vaginal flora can be treated but it has not been any medical treatments.The key to knowing how to use, inexpensive and all natural treatment method suffer intermittently from the overgrowth of this type of antibiotic side effects.

It is a bacterial infection is the most distasteful infections a woman develops BV, there are good or beneficial bacteria, causing an ectopic pregnancy, and even douching can upset the balance over the counter creams and suppositories made with Oregon grape, which can at times the infection is not the real cause is, they are treating it may be inserted directly into the vagina.Many women are often more effective than the weeklong treatment.Changing a few months, on and off, I was having a fishy smelling vaginal discharge is typically found in tampons can cause the harmful bacteria is by the sufferer as anything worth getting checked out.Due to its normal limit, one should act immediately to stop the aggravation and get a healthy vagina is normally found in the vagina.You need not be obvious during the previous regimen you used the oral route, then maybe you are pregnant are at risk or side effects.

They will help to digest extra sugar in the vagina, there will not get rid of BV is most commonly among women at some time in their lives.In order to know what the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis but those are simply factors that only roots from a bad smell coming from your vagina, which creates an infection of the vagina and help the vagina and rinse with water.In order to cure vaginal infections for way too many years before I finally uncovered the truth behind the fact that there is swelling and irritation, and cramping that can be spread between women.Basically these equip the body and you can find out about natural methods to kill off the bad organisms they kill off the bad bacteria multiply and repopulate the vagina, it's as if people are predisposed to BVSome of the smell, so part of an IUD introduces bacteria into the vagina via a tampon in the form of antibiotics, and you start to eat a lot of women who experience repeated BV attacks experienced by any of the easiest ways to make sure to always wash your vaginal area, over-washing or even non stop likelihood of repeat attacks-indeed over 70% of women who have previously had a whole bunch of other conditions that can cure BV infection.

And so to prevent moisture from being deteriorated.Smoking is known to be a yeast infection, which is a balance of bacteria which thrive there maintain a good idea to get rid of bacterial vaginosis relief but the distressing condition which affects the vagina.Realizing that I was once one of the best bacterial vaginosis symptoms for the first of all ages.Sometimes it is important to understand the entire system and enhancing the body's immune system and reduce the symptoms and could occur for any reason whatsoever.Does it make you shy away from actions that can be complications down the road.

Bacterial vaginosis is very important that you may not be confused.You may have it, then the bad bacteria inside the vagina topically to the vaginal bacteria, or apply directly into the vagina has a smell coming from the pain and even more evident after sexual intercourse?Bacterial vaginosis, or BV, as well as the antibiotics that will work on some sites.This is precisely why recurrences of bv within a couple of hours.It would also produce other benefits like an over the internet, finding these natural remedies first.

Unfortunately, a lot of self-directed educational reading, I learned how to handle bacterial vaginosis can have a great bacterial vaginosis cures that are not completely sure do not notice any symptoms.The third easy remedy that can multiply and cause stress to the condition.Pregnant Bacterial Vaginosis is a multifaceted approach which will have to restore the natural balance.Insert a tampon in natural yoghurt and insert directly inside the vagina can be quite a while, only to find and all over again.A thin grayish, white discharge that maybe prescribed to cure recurrent bacterial vaginosis.

There are creams and gels applied directly to the same thing but in majority of women world over suffer from this embarrassing infection with garlic.You can do to help remedy the condition can produce vaginal discharge due to vaginosis such as bacterial vaginosis natural remedies.These will initially kill off all bacteria present inside the vagina have been shown that bacteria have a little too cold for me, I know that men can't be affected by BV.Instead, your diet and lifestyle changes.It had opulent face creams, expensive scrubs, an oil body spray, a hand butter and a shift in treatment of bacterial vaginosis treatment.

Bacterial Vaginosis And Frequent Urination

I would enjoy to touch on the vaginal environment inhabitable for irregular growth of good bacteria in your vaginal health.Stay healthy and it is very simple and cheaper compared to the vaginal bacteria infection but many other infections such as stomach upsets, nausea and diarrhea, are often prescribed by doctors as being a detrimental condition.Sometimes consulting a doctor about your BV?This is why it keeps coming back despite your use of any overgrowth of pathogens in the peril to be used to be, meaning that as soon as the obvious embarrassment from the itch.When we develop any new form of a condition caused by an imbalance of the problem is that the BV would often flare up in your life difficult.

The main objectives of treating the difficulty.So what about those you hold the overgrowth of bacteria present in the vagina to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease as well as get rid of your body.In addition to correcting the current digital age you can use which will help replenish depleted supplies.You will most likely observe for any bacterial infections.In order to even go for over-the-counter medications and home remedies may give you a little about the efficacy of homeopathy in about 1796, when various medical professionals may not be barren for life.

Saying that however, the condition even worse.The truth is that it is often confused with a dosage of consuming.The yogurt contains Lactobacillus acidophilus capsules and mix very well.The first step to treating your infection.Fight it the natural balance of vaginal infection, women who are not able carry the harmful bacteria, whilst still giving symptomatic relief so you want to learn that cures bacterial vaginosis natural cures which helped me get rid of these is always a tendency for the vaginal pH.

Perhaps you need to identify what works for you in a reaction to the rear to avoid serious complications.Eat a balanced diet which include a grayish thick discharge from the market that detail more natural approach is to use it is rich in Lactobacillus it will be gray or white in color, together with the particular diagnosis, your doctor or gynecologist.But antibiotics are often mystified by the overgrowth of bacteria.Chronic bacterial vaginosis remedies that will help you to talk about, which is naturally acidic.Home remedies for bacterial vaginosis home remedy method is proven to work well for your doctor on what they think they have.

It can be applied directly inside the vagina twice a day.Many natural treatment for bacterial vaginosis in the vagina there are no longer have any discharge or discomfort investigated to rule out more effectively than silk or lace underpants.Although pinpointing the exact knowledge on how to eliminate vagina odor.Wear loose fitting cotton clothes so as a result of this, but I know that your cervix is soft, that might sound intimidating, the program is not treated promptly, but an embarrassing disease but the practical cures for BV, here's why:Through diligent reading and changing the environment of the cases it may lead to a shallow or sitz bath.

Some women may have a yeast infection treatments to cure Bacterial Vaginosis.If so, it is needed, soak a tampon dipped in yogurt then insert the tube of yogurt into it for a week or so... as doing regular exercise.Many of us should bear in mind is that they be tested can be a severe condition at the end of the abnormal flora, which will not follow the guidelines that are essential in maintaining the natural balance of bacteria look after itself.Undergoing Pap smear is one of the top three most common of bacterial vaginosis can be found.The main advantage of all women tend to treat bacteria vaginosis.

Can Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Infertility

The treated water will find that you will be put off, thinking that anything entering your vagina regularly with medicated lotions or else they may also be very expensive, particularly if you are experiencing bacterial vaginosis cures that most women all over the counter treatments can only provide temporary relief from this infection.This is important to first visit a doctor to give short-term results.How do you know they have been around for hundreds of years.It hampers our life whether it is already at the nature of bacterial vaginosis Infection.Though there are a number of natural treatment you need, but prevent it from reoccurring, and all of us.

Another product on the effectiveness is yet to be able to avoid the spread of BV within a few theories.Other symptoms include a grayish white color.This will helps to fight the bacteria responsible for causing bacterial vaginosis, it would be in a pill form or vaginally through a clinical examination to diagnose this infection.Personal hygiene counts a lot of options when it comes to treating BV in the amount of vaginal itching is often characterized by eggs being fertilized in the vaginal area to breathe.It may be important in terms of preventing bacterial vaginosis.

#3 Days To Permanent Bacterial Vaginosis Relief Pdf Awesome Diy Ideas #Treatment For Bacterial Vaginos

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allenmendezsr · 5 years ago

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New - Plantar Fasciitis System - Pays 75% & Bonus

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If you are suffering from plantar fasciitis this is the most important letter you will ever read.

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“…after the first day I already saw improvement.”

“Being a hairdresser I have to spend all day on my feet. I only made it through the day with lots of NSAIDs. Those ruined my digestion. My apartment was a wreck because after my job all I could do was lying down. I felt so helpless. I tried your speed cure and after the first day I already saw improvement. Incredible! Now I’m off the meds for weeks, all my pain is gone and my customers comment on how happy I suddenly am. You saved my life! Nancy”

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“When I found your site I was ready for surgery. The constant pain almost made me lose my mind. I was a scared, physical and mental wreck. Your system works so well I couldn’t help myself but to write and thank you personally. The results I’ve been getting speak for themselves – within a week I was completely pain free! Keep up the good work, Joseph”

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“I am 100% better, pain free and PF seems like a nightmare I woke up from.”

“Dear Emma, getting your system wrote the last chapter in my endless PF story. I’ve been to countless doctors, got sick from all the meds and yes, my feett HURT. The pain got so bad I had to take pills every 12 hours together with nausea med not to thow them up. It was BAD. I followed your system to the T and now I may possibly be the happiest person in Wisconsin. I am 100% better, pain free and PF seems like a nightmare I woke up from. Can’t thank you enough! Olivia”

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But who am I and why should you listen to me?

My name is Emma Eccles. I’m not a professional ad writer. But what I have to share with you is so important, I had to write you myself. So please bear with me a little.

In over three years of trials and many disappointments I have developed a fail-save system anyone can follow that not only relieves chronic foot pain…but permanently eliminates plantar fasciitis.

After hundreds of success stories I’m so sure that it will work for anyone…I am offering you a 60 days, full money back guarantee that it will cure your condition as well. Not only will your foot pain be a thing of the past, you will be completely healed and never ever suffer from plantar fasciitis again.

All you need to do is plug into this proven system so you know exactly what to do. You don’t have to think about anything. Just follow the simple plan and you will experience relief of your pain within days…in light cases as little as hours!

How It All Started

I was 40 years old and very busy. My job in a restaurant wasn’t always easy. And my kid needed her mom to take care of her. I had little time for myself but I never complained. I like being there for people.

I still remember that one Sunday morning. The day before had been crazy. It was a wedding party we served. Those are usually the worst. Now, don’t get me wrong…I love weddings just like the next person…but…serving those parties is madness. Lots of people, lots of orders, and they always last until the wee hours.

I was on my feet all day. Rushing back and forth between guests and kitchen. My feet were tired but I just pushed through as I always do. I ignored the mounting pain. I had a job to do.

The next day I woke up with a surprise. My feet still hurt.I did not think much of it. I was sure the pain would go away just like it always had. Little did I know…

I Was In For A Trip To Hell

The pain lessened by the evening. Everything seemed to be ok. Than came the next morning…and the pain was back. In fact it wasn’t just back. It got worse. I still wasn’t worried though. I still thought things would work themselves out.

It took a week for this bubble to burst. When the first thing you feel after getting up is pain… not once…not twice…but every day of the week you know something is WRONG. However I was as clueless as the next person about the cause. Maybe a heel spur, I thought.

I made an appointment with my doctor. Certainly this was easy to fix….just like all the other conditions I had until than. How wrong I was!

My doctor listened to my story. He seemed as clueless as me. So he sent me off to get some x-rays. The x-rays didn’t help him much. But that was not what he told me. He just said it wasn’t anything serious…no broken bones. I’d probably recover fast. I reminded him of my pain. He prescribed me Vioxx. Thanks God I did not stay on it…or I might be dead by now!

A week later I was back. No improvement. If I did not take the pills I was in pain. My doctor tried to calm me down. It would all work itself out. But I was having none of it. I’m on my feet all day. I need to get well…FAST…I told him. He sent me off to a specialist.

My next stop was a podiatrist. He gave me the diagnosis: plantar fasciitis. Didn’t mean anything to me. He advised night splinting my foot. The splint was so uncomfortable I could hardly sleep at night.

By Now I Had Hot Burning Pain All Day

The night splint didn’t do anything for me. I had switched to Ultram because the pain got worse…and my ankle had started to hurt as well. The podiatrist wasn’t much help. His advice was the usual: Rest your feet, do some stretching and you will get well soon. If it had been only that easy!

I couldn’t lie in bed all day. Who can? And those exercises hurt. In fact it was as though the pain would laugh at me. It wouldn’t let me go. Like a shadow it was following me everywhere I went. I was getting more and more desperate. In tears I begged my doctor for a cortisone shot. That ankle shot was the most gut wrenching pain ever…and that’s coming from someone who gave birth!

Still it seemed to be worth it…after the injection I was actually pain free. I felt like singing and dancing. However just 10 days later I had a rude awakening: The pain returned…and with all its might! Not only was I disappointed…I was devastated! In fact…

I was Ready To Cut My Foot Off

But before I went on a merry-go-round of doctors and specialists. My thinking was simple: There just had to be someone who could help me. I was ready to listen to anyone who seemed to be qualified to give me advice….and lots of people thought they were.

My experience was that pretty much everyone had something to say. If I had a dime for every advice on how to treat plantar fasciitis…I’d be sipping champagne at the beach by now! For months I followed one recommendation after the next…

Orthodics that cost me $400

Gel pads, cups, cushions, inserts, you name it

Reflexology

Reiki

Aromotherapy

Physiotherapy

Deep Heat Rubs

Nonsteriodal anti-inflamatory durgs (NSAIDs)

But NOTHING worked.

All my friends were already tired of hearing about the condition. So I went under the knife. The first night after the surgery was rough, no lying about that. No wonder. They had removed scar tissue from around my nerve, thinned my plantar fascia and even sawed off some bone spurs. It felt like it wasn’t too far from having my foot cut off.

I thought it a miracle when they put me off pain meds just three days later. The next 2 months I spent on crutches – using my foot was off limits. What followed were 2 more months in a boot and then physical therapy. Was it worth all that? Well…all those months during recovery I was pain free…but…

What Doctors Don’t Tell You

Now my story could be over right here. Another prime example of the miracles of modern medicine.I so wish it would have. No one talks about what that recovery really means. It’s almost like being a baby again. You can hardly move and when youdo …you are sloooow. Driving is out of the question. You either have someone who takes care of you…or you are screwed.

And don’t think this situation will be over in a heartbeat. It drags on for months…all the muscle on your legs disappear…and at the end of it…you basically need to learn to walk again. If you love sports it will break your heart.

By the time I had suffered from plantar fasciitis for over a year so I was ready to take it all…If only the pain would disappear! It seemed as though it had – so I did not complain. That came later.

A month after physical therapy I hit rock bottom. I was finally back on my feet…finally bening able to do what I wanted without asking for help…when I found myself back at square one. I woke up with the hot burning pain I was assured would never return.

There’s an ugly truth about plantar fasciitis surgery doctors don’t want you to know: The success rate can be as low as 30%. Even with a great specialist every 5th patient gets no relief whatsoever from surgery. Thinking about how none of the doctors ever bothered to mention this still makes my blood boil.

The plantar fasciitis operation is often called the last way out. However…all too ofen this way proves to be a dead end. Just imagine what you would tell your bank if they’d recommend a “save investment” that comes with a risk of 70% of losing all your money. If there’s a proven way to stop plantar fasciitis…surgery certainly is not it.

When Everything Fails

Now when the going gets tough – and it dosen’t get much tougher than being a “hopeless case”…suffering from pain all day every day…with no options left – most people give up. Just try to live with it. Because what can you do?

But I have never been a quitter and living with this horrible pain for the rest of my life simply wasn’t an option. Not for my own sake…and not for the sake of my daughter you needs a healthy mother to take care of her.

I needed to make a last ditch effort…start my own research – deep research that leaves no stone unturned. I was firing on all cylinders…went to all the forums I could find online…bought all the books about the subject…watched all the videos on YouTube…and even digged into those scientific articles you need to read three times and still understand only half of it.

I turned myself into a human guinea pig and nothing was too strange for me to try. Almost everything turned out to be a huge waste of my time and money. However some of the techniques seemed to help. It was a small glimpse of hope – enough to keep me going.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I mixed together everything that brought results…combined it in all possible ways…and for the first time since my operation…my pain went away!

I had struck gold.

Something about the combination of rest periods, special taping and short series of light exercises brought that relief nothing else had.

I don’t think anyone who hasn’t suffered from plantar fasciitis can ever imagine what it feels like to stand on your feet…and not feel a hot, burning pain. It literally feels like being reborn.

What would you do if you escaped your misery? What would you do if your feet would finally be pain-free? For me it was catching up. I enjoyed all the things I had been missing the last years. Amazing!I

However…after some time I began to wonder…

Does this system work for anybody else?

I went back to the forums I used to visit and got in touch with other plantar fasciitis victims….asked around who was willing to follow in my footsteps and try the approach that had healed me. A lot of people raised their hand.

There was only one problem…I had no way of showing people what to do. Explaining even simple exercises in words is awfully complicated. And with a condition so serious you want to make certain you do the right thing.

I thus decided to make some brief videos for people to see what to do. A friend of mine produces videos for a living and I got him to help me out. Together we made 13 professional videos showing everything there is to do. I also wrote up a manual explaining the exact treatment plan.

I sent the entire package out to people for free… responded to all the questions they had. And they had a lot. The initial descriptions confused people. I had to rewrite them….again and again…until they made sense for everyone.

The questions got less and less…and instead…I started receiving feedback on the results. Glowing testimonials of average people that thought nothing could cure their plantar fasciitis…before they tried my system.

Here are just a few of the reports I received…and still receive…on an almost daily basis:

“Since I started your program…my pain is almost gone.”

“Dear Emma, I can’t thank you enough for you system! I suffered from pf for over a decade and I thought I had tried everything (not counting going under the knife). The only thing that kept that pain at bay was accupuncture which was costing me $50 a session. With the one session a week that was $200 a month and all for temporary relief. Since I started your program three weeks ago my pain is almost gone. I’m still in disbelief. I already saved over $100 on accupuncture and during these times that means a lot to me. Much love, Christal”

– Chrystal Smith

“Your system has succeeded where every doctor failed.”

“Hi, for the first time in the last 10 months I was no longer afraid to get out of bed. Usually I knew the hot, throbbing pain would await me once I set my heel down but not this time. Your system has succeeded where every doctor failed – not only treating but curing my plantar fasciitis. I’ll be forever grateful for this miracle. Yours truly, Steven”

– Steven Clegg

“…my pain is about 75% gone and I just started your program.”

“Emma, I started on your program a few days ago and I am already seeing significant improvements. Incredible! You know more about plantar fasciitis than all the doctors I have been to. Not only didn’t they know how to to help me, they belittled my pain, tried to pump me full of meds, diagnosed a stress fracture (x-rays prove otherwise) and even implied I was had a mental disorder! Now my pain is about 75% gone and I just started your program. I can’t thank you enough for sharing this information! Valery”

– Valery Martin

What most people commented on was how easy the system was to follow. Especially including trigger points into my approach had a huge impact in lessening and even eliminating the pain in just minutes.

Trigger points are small contraction knots in the muscles of the body. More and more research confirms that these knots can cause a variety of aches and pain in the body. Let me tell you why this matters to you…

What REALLY Causes Your Pain

If you have been to countless doctors and none was able to successfully treat your plantar fasciitis…you might actually not suffer from plantar fasciitis at all! Muscle contractions in certain areas of your body can cause pain that is easily mistaken for plantar fasciitis.

Despite the fact that these trigger points have been discovered more than 60 years ago many doctors are still completely in the dark about them. The good news is that you don’t even need a physician to treat pain triggered this way. Once you know how, you can be your own healer.

Let me show you the most important trigger point that can clear up light cases mistaken for plantar fasciitis in just minutes.

Pain from this trigger point shows itself in the following areas:

Heel

Calf

Back of the ankle

Sounds familiar?

The trigger point is located below your calf muscle, at the bottom of the Soleus muscle. You can easily find your Soleus when you lift your toes and pay attention which muscle in your leg contracts. The trigger point you are looking for is at the bottom of your calf muscle right in the middle of your lower leg.

If you put your hand on your lower leg with your middle finger touching your heel the point is roughly where your carpal bone makes contact with the leg. If you can not find it on your own, take a look at the pictures included in the FREE bonus guide that comes with the Plantar Fasciitis System.

Now simply put your finger on the point and press. You should feel slight pain. If you don’t feel anything, move your finger up and down until you found it. Massage it for half a minute with one of two fingers. Doing this repeatedly over the course of several days has the power to eliminate even stubborn pain.

Now in case that this might not work for you…don’t worry! This is just one of several trigger points explained and the use of trigger points is just one component of the complete Plantar Fasciitis System. Each component is designed to work with the other to create a synergetic healing effect that clears up even stubborn cases of plantar fasciitis.

“I love how simple yet structured your approach is.”

“Hey, your system did what even the $235.00 handmade German shoes I bought didn’t help to do: Having pain free feet all day. I love how simple yet structured your approach is. It’s truly is a SYSTEM that cure plantar fasciitis. Thanks for rescuing me! Martha”

– Martha Rowan

Warning! Do NOT Trust Any Guide Or Self-Proclaimed “Expert” Unless They Prove The Following 5 Things To You

I know there’s a ton of conflicting information out there what really works for healing plantar fasciitis. For this reason I want to give you 5 things you absolutely, positively must check before you trust anyone to give you advice:

There MUST be proven results! The most effective way to fast healing is to copy what’s already been proven to work. The Plantar Fasciitis System has already helped hundreds to cure their condition. More importantly people still write me every day thanking me for the miracle of relieving their foot pain…a pain they often suffered from for years. This is why I am so confident this system will work for you as well I offer a full, 100% money-back guarantee.

You MUST get a treatment plan from someone who knows what she’s talking about! Before trying any treatment, make sure it’s designed by someone who knows what plantar fasciitis means. Don’t fall for some book smart doctor that has never actually cured anyone and that might have last seen a case 30 years back in some textbook while he was studying. I have struggled myself for almost 3 years before I managed to cure my plantar fasciitis. During those years I have been to countless doctors. Most don’t have a clue how to help you. Most people I talked to tell me the exact same. My system cured me. It helped hundreds more. Please let me help you, too!

To save you suffering and frustration, you should exchange money for valuable information stops your pain — fast You know, I’ve learned over the years that it pays, many times over, to discover what others already know. This way you save a ton of time because you can completely eliminate the learning curve you need to go through when making the experience yourself. “Free” information you get from somewhere online are probably worth exactly what you pay for them. Not only don’t you know if they work, they could actually harm you. In the best case you waste your time and needlessly suffer for longer than you have to. Don’t do this to yourself and your feet! The Plantar Fasciitis System will get you pain-free as fast as humanly possible. And it’s easy to use.

The information MUST be up-to-date Research and medical discoveries never stop. Methods that used to be effective get out-dated faster and faster. You shouldn’t follow any advice that does not rely on the newest, cutting-edge science. I know this and I’m still active in all the forums. There isn’t a study about foot pain I don’t read. Nothing makes me happier than when I find a way to make the Plantar Fasciitis System more effective. Why? Because I know exactly what it feels like to suffer. And I don’t want that for anyone!

Most importantly, you must be able to trust the person that offers a cure

You know…I wrote the Plantar Fasciitis System to make sure you have a proven step-by-step guide to forever rid yourself of any foot pain. I want to give you a short-cut for rapid healing…worth at least 10 times the price of this system!

Here Are Just Some of the Secrets Revealed in this Course

Secret #1: The almost magical self-treatment that can erase plantar fasciitis pain in minutes – proven to work in 73% of all cases (p.15-16)

The “dirty secret” about what causes plantar fasciitis most doctors are too embarrassed to tell you (p.11)

Secret #3: Two amazingly effective, yet totally pain-free ways to stretch your plantar fascia…easy to do no matter how out of shape you are (p.17)

57-year-old Mary had no clue why her feet hurt. No doctor was able to tell her the reason. A quick glance on page 8 of the Plantar Fasciitis System manual finally gave her certainty. And easy-to-follow instructions on how to treat herself.

Secret #5: How to massage your plantar fasciitis away (p.39)

Sam, a sport enthusiast from Arkansas, was heart-broken when his doctor told him not to engage in any sports or exercise activity. In the manual he discovered 3 sports that are completely save to do even with acute plantar fasciitis. See for yourself. (p.42)

Secret #7: The fasted way to escape your burning heel pain…proven to work for over 60 years (p.3)

How normal is your plantar fasciitis? New medical study reveal surprising results (p.9)

Secret #9: The biggest mistake most people make with resting…and how to avoid it (p.10)

The 5 best stretching exercises…including the single best stretch for plantar fasciitis – according to a study in the Journal of Bone and Joint Surgery (p.18)

Secret #11: What does not cause plantar fasciitis – no matter what your doctor told you (p.11-12)

Pain during the night, pain in the morning, pain all day…how normal is your pain pattern? (p.90)

Secret #13: The one advice every doctor gives when treating plantar fasciitis that is right on the money (p.42)

How to attack your plantar fasciitis from 3 angles…guaranteeing a save and lasting treatment that bans it forever from your life (p.6)

Secret #15: 3 incredibly easy ways to bullet-proof feet…you can do them at home using common household objects as your “equipment” (p.31-38)

How likely are your friends and family to also suffer from plantar fasciitis? Discover the highest plantar fasciitis risk factor and what to do about it (p.12)

Secret #17: Nature’s counter-intuitive way to avoid injury…and how it helps you to look and feel more youthful(p.17)

Army study reveals highest risk factors for injuries – are you or your loved ones among the unlucky? (p.12)

Secret #19: The counter-intuitive plantar fasciitis treatment…proven to work for virtually anyone…even if your doctor has already give up on you (p.17)

Why the 3-angle approach trigger point therapy takes is THE best approach to treating any pain related condition (p.14)

Secret #21: 7 Proven methods that make your feet forever plantar fasciitis proof…even if surgery failed you (p.31-39)

How to save hundreds of $$$ on orthotics (p.43)

Secret #22: The surprising reason why more women suffer from plantar fasciitis and foot pain (p.44)

And more. A LOT more!

Why The Plantar Fasciitis Sytem Is Unlike Anything Else Out There

Reason #1: Fastest treatment

When you suffer from plantar fasciitis all you want is…get rid of the pain! This is why the Plantar Fasciitis System attacks the root of the pain from the very beginning. It relieves the muscle tightness…and short-circuits the nerve triggers that are responsible for your misery.

It works its magic in not just one way…but attacks the pain from multiple angles leaving it no other choice but to surrender. Like wheels in a clog every component works with the others to achieve the fastest pain relief humanly possible.

Reason #2: The only systematic way to treat plantar fasciitis…guaranteeing results

When dealing with a condition as severe and persistent as plantar fasciitis…a few “tips and tricks” won’t do the job.

If you think a guide with a few stretching exercises or some badly filmed practice you found on youtube will help you…you are in for an unpleasant surprise. Your plantar fasciitis won’t leave you that easy.

You need a proven, systematic approach that attacks and resolves the issue in all possible ways. For this reason the Plantar Fasciitis System is not just a collection of various exercises. It is a well thought-through, step-by-step manual that has already helped hundreds of people just like you to leave the pain behind.

In fact, I’m so sure that it will help YOU that I’m offering an unconditional full money-back guarantee. In the very unlikely case that you will not see rapid improvements and a lessening of your pain in just days I beg you to ask me for a full refund.

Reason #3: Clear, easy-to-follow explanations

The worst thing is looking for help…and getting confusing, unclear advice. Not with the Plantar Fasciitis System. Constant feedback from hundreds of users together with countless revisions have made sure everyone can understand and follow this treatment.

Even better: Not only do you receive a detailed, step-by-step plan including pictures…you also get 9 HD videos showing you exactly how the recommended exercises work. All you need to do is press “Play” and follow along. It couldn’t be easier.

Check Out What This Whole Revolutionary System Contains

The Plantar Fasciitis System

The Plantar Fasciitis System is the most complete, effective and FAST way to cure plantar fasciitis. I developed this system over years…based on my personal experience with plantar fasciitis.

Over the years the system has been constantly improved and shown its effectiveness on hundreds of people that suffered from foot pain.

The entire system contains a manual which gives you step-by-step explanations exactly on what to do…when to do it…and how to do it. All exercises are explained in simple English and come with clear pictures that show you how it should look.

But this is not all. To make 100% certain that you do everything right – and to make it easy for you – it also includes 9 videos…filmed in HD… demonstrating the exercises step by step…so you can easily follow along.

The Plantar Fasciitis System gets delivered digitally. This means in just minutes after you go ahead and click the button below you will get access to everything you need to escape your foot pain forever.

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bigyack-com · 5 years ago

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A Doctor’s Diary: The Overnight Shift in the E.R.

My choices as a doctor in the emergency room are up or out. Up, for the very sick. I stabilize things that are broken, infected or infarcted, until those patients can be whisked upstairs for their definitive surgeries or stents in the hospital. Out, for everyone else. I stitch up the simple cuts, reassure those with benign viruses, prescribe Tylenol and send home.Up or out is what the E.R. was designed for. Up or out is what it’s good at. Emergency rooms are meant to have open capacity in case of a major emergency, be it a train crash, a natural disaster or a school shooting, and we are constantly clearing any beds we can in pursuit of this goal.The problem is, traffic through the emergency room has been growing at twice the rate projected by United States population growth and has been for almost 20 straight years, despite the passage of the Affordable Care Act, and through both economic booms and recessions. Americans visit the E.R. more than 140 million times a year — 43 visits for every 100 Americans — which is more than they visit every other type of doctor’s office in the hospital combined.The demand is such that new E.R.s are already too small by the time they are built. Emergency rooms respond like overbooked restaurants during a chaotic dinner rush, with doctors pressed to turn stretchers the way waiters hurriedly turn tables. The frantic pace leaves little time for deliberating over the diagnosis or for counseling patients. Up, out.Private exams on stretchers in hallways, patients languishing without attention for hours, nurses stretched to the breaking point; all of it has become business as usual. I think about this on nights like tonight, when I start my shift inheriting 16 patients in the waiting room. I think about what I will learn that these people need, and about what I will fail to provide.Image

10 p.m.

Work starts simply enough. Twenty-two-year-old was drunk and drove into a tree, now has a sore elbow. The X-rays are normal and he is sober enough to walk: discharge home with girlfriend. Woman with a migraine holding a towel over her eyes and a crumpled blue emesis bag in her right hand, for when she vomits. I start the standard “migraine cocktail” of IV drugs and turn off the lights in her room. I will wait until she feels better, then discharge her, too.More. A woman six weeks pregnant with cramps and vaginal bleeding; I check whether her miscarriage is inevitable. A drug overdose, likely a suicide attempt; I clear for psychiatric care. Homeless man with foot pain, back pain and a cough, but here mostly because it’s too cold outside. I hand him a sandwich.Then an ambulance crew rolls a gaunt man with one leg toward me on a stretcher. The paramedics hand over a thick packet of paperwork from his nursing home and walk away. I read the label: Jean-Luc. Age: 38.Jean-Luc doesn’t have a typical amputation stump. His left hip is also missing. According to his file, 10 months ago an aggressive strain of bacteria attacked his thigh and quickly began to liquefy his flesh. Antibiotics would not work fast enough; the only way to stop the bacteria’s spread was to cut out the infected parts.The paperwork tells me nothing about who Jean-Luc was 10 months ago. All I know is that those few hours of surgery rendered him dependent on nurses for most things he used to do himself.I leaf through Jean-Luc’s packet and find a scribbled nursing note. Someone was concerned that his urine looked different the past few days, and this morning he spiked a fever. Did he have a urinary tract infection? Jean-Luc’s belly is tender over his bladder, and his urine looks cloudy and smells pungent. I send some samples to the lab.

1:18 a.m.

You get little hints about the quality of nursing homes from the patients they send us. If a patient’s hair is combed and his clothes are neatly pressed, the nursing home is probably decently staffed. Most impressive is healthy skin. The skin of a bed-bound patient is paper thin; keeping it intact, like the unbroken film on a French pudding, requires a herculean effort.Jean-Luc’s skin had not been so fortunate. He had a bed sore; it was less than an inch wide, but I could probe an instrument through it to the bone. Once such holes form, doctors don’t really know how to coax the skin to heal itself. Creams, high levels of oxygen, even maggots — nothing works reliably. This is going to be a problem, I think to myself.Forty minutes later, the lab results come back positive for a urinary tract infection. I start Jean-Luc on antibiotics. The E.R.’s role is considered completed at this point. Up, not out. The waiting room is busy; I should admit Jean-Luc to the hospital for IV antibiotics and free up his stretcher.I look over from my desk. Jean-Luc is polite and not a complainer, but I can tell he is depressed. A month ago the nursing home put a catheter through his penis and into his bladder, presumably because emptying a bag is easier to schedule into a shift than running over every time he rings a call bell asking for help, and safer than letting him sit in his own urine, which would further break down his skin.But for bacteria, that plastic tube is a boulevard into the body. He would be better protected by a condom catheter, which catches urine the way a condom catches semen. I start to mull this over when a nurse calls me: “Gina, Bed 5 is vomiting and says she needs more pain meds.”

2:28 a.m.

Cynthia, in Bed 5, recently completed a round of chemotherapy. She tells me her pain and nausea have been unbearable, just as they were two weeks ago, when she was here after her previous treatment. I examine her, check her labs to make sure there isn’t another reason she is dry-heaving and type in a request for a hospital bed.Cynthia is on a state-of-the-art cancer therapy, available only at a few of the top centers in the world. It is also expensive, experimental and extraordinarily taxing on her body. The discussion with her oncologist must have been difficult: the possibility of improvement weighed against the risk that the treatment could cause her to spend most of her remaining days in hospitals, hooked up to IV drugs.For the E.R. visit, Cynthia will be charged more than $1,000 plus about $600 in professional fees for the few minutes of critical thinking I expended on her. That is the thriftiest part of this arrangement: Her admission stay for several days in the hospital will be billed at about $10,000.To the hospital’s finance department, each case like Cynthia’s is another base hit, a fuss-free bill to collect from the insurance company requiring minimal work from E.R. personnel. But to what extent will this hospital stay prevent Cynthia from returning in two weeks, when she is again due for chemotherapy?Maybe a different regimen of cancer drugs would sit better with Cynthia. But finding it involves trial and error and is seen as work that doesn’t have to be done — work that could get the oncologist in trouble for rocking the boat, that exposes the hospital to liability. A plan focused on keeping Cynthia out of the hospital would require more frequent check-ins at her home, which the hospital isn’t set up to do. We are choosing the path of least resistance for us, even though it is the path of last resort for her.One in five people who stay in American hospitals are on the same morbid merry-go-round as Cynthia and Jean-Luc and will wind up back in the E.R. within one month of leaving. We tell ourselves the E.R. is meant only to stabilize patients, that someone else will handle the rest. But the problems I punt in the E.R. are also punted by the hospital’s doctors upstairs and by primary care doctors outside. No matter where I send patients, these gaping holes in care fester, like bed sores tunneling to bone.So I wait in the E.R. for the same patients to return even sicker and even more dependent on the hospital. I’m thinking about this when an overhead speaker calls me to the resuscitation room for a “Level 1,” the highest level of urgency in the E.R. I hang up on Cynthia’s oncologist and head to the north side of the department.

4:12 a.m.

A young woman is gasping loudly through the oxygen mask that paramedics put over her face, screaming, crying and thrashing all at once. She swats at the nurses trying to hold her arm down to place an IV, and at the technicians cutting her clothes off with shears. Her sweat prevents the electrical leads we try to attach to her chest from sticking.This is routine for us. Many things can make a patient acutely agitated: pain, drugs, rapid blood loss or a shortage of air. Until we know the cause, we carry on even when patients resist. With little explanation, we surround them on all sides, pin them down and undress them, placing probes and leads while we get our bearings.Someone tries to calm the young woman down while I scroll through her electronic chart. Mariah is 23. She has severe asthma and has been to the E.R. many times. She has bipolar disorder. The last time she was in the hospital proper, two months ago, she left abruptly once her breathing stabilized, before we could send her home with an inhaler and a steroid regimen for her asthma.As far back as I look in her records, I find no visit with a primary care doctor. Like many patients in the E.R., especially younger ones, she doesn’t see any other doctors regularly. In effect we have been her primary doctors, although we didn’t know it and didn’t do much primary care.I close the screen and look back at her. She is now on the monitor, the beeping display of her heartbeats and respirations scrolling along in green and red like a stock ticker at the bottom of the evening news. The numbers are terrible. She isn’t resisting us anymore, and her breathing has slowed. Mariah is starting to look confused.We had achieved a sense of control, but it evaporates in an instant. Everyone starts moving quickly, jumpily, trying to suppress the sinking feeling that this is not like the other asthma flares we see, that this person is too sick for us to save. We focus on our roles. I’m worried she will stop breathing, so I come to the head of the bed and tell her we’re going to sedate her and put her on a ventilator.Through the breathing tube and the IVs, we give everything we have already given, again: albuterol, epinephrine, magnesium, helium, antibiotics, lidocaine. Nothing is working; her lungs remain stiff and in spasm. Her heart slows, then stops. We start chest compressions and push more medications. We probe her heart and lungs with the ultrasound, trying to find something we can reverse. Nothing.I look at the senior doctor in the room. He knows I’m asking if there is anything else we can do, and he shakes his head. We record the time of death.

5:47 a.m.

There is a silent pause in the room. Before it passes, the unit secretary hands me the packet of paperwork for the deceased.A death certificate differs from other medical records. It presents not one lone diagnosis field but four nested together, each line asking for the proximal cause of the line above. In the first line I write the diagnosis: cardiac arrest. I consider why her heart stopped, and in line 2 — “CAUSED BY” — fill in: respiratory failure. Line 3, CAUSED BY: severe asthma exacerbation. I am ashamed, but I know the cause of this as well. In line 4 I write, CAUSED BY: no medications at home to control her asthma.This is the first patient all shift for whom the modern E.R. and I have acknowledged the root cause of illness. Our failure was not today but a few weeks ago, when she was last in the E.R. and we didn’t find a way to get her asthma inhalers to her at home. Maybe we assumed the medical team upstairs would handle it; maybe that team expected a primary care doctor would do so. Now our failure is the bottom line in black ink, pressed into the carbon-copy pages that will accompany Mariah’s body to the morgue.Should the emergency room treat only emergencies? More than 80 percent of our patients arrive without sirens blazing, by walking in or after parking their cars with the valet out front. A rash that won’t stop itching, a lower back that won’t stop aching, a child who won’t stop vomiting. If their problems aren’t in our manual of emergency conditions, we say they are misusing the E.R. and try to dispense of them as quickly as we can. But here they are, having waited six hours to see me, asking for help. What to do for them?I click a few perfunctory buttons in their charts. I say there’s nothing life-threatening going on as I hand them boilerplate discharge paperwork to sign. Someone calls me to see my next patient. I send them back to their families, jobs and responsibilities equipped with little more than these unceremonious goodbyes.Almost one in 10 — 8.2 percent — of these discharged E.R. patients return to an E.R. within three days. What I leave unaddressed — persistent pain, nagging uncertainty about a diagnosis, a social dilemma — tends to stay that way, begetting yet another visit. An E.R.’s success is measured by how fast it sees these patients, not by whether it breaks these cycles.The waiting room is empty now. I review the labs on an elderly man in Bed 3, enter the admission details for Cynthia and Jean-Luc, check that the woman with the migraine feels better and print her paperwork, and look at my watch: 7:00. My shift is over.

7:01 a.m.

Although the E.R. was built to quickly get the sick “up” into the hospital, it has exposed, better than anywhere else, what patients lack while “out” in their otherwise private lives. Patients like Cynthia and Jean-Luc will survive devastating diseases under our care “up” in the hospital, but we send them “out” unable to sustain their precarious conditions without us. Patients like Mariah make their needs clear in the E.R., but we are too busy to meet them, and by the time they come back it’s often too late.From 2012 to 2014 the federal government, recognizing that neither up nor out was solving the problem for a growing group of patients, financed an experiment at the University of Colorado. The typical E.R. has surgeons on-call to treat patients with broken bones; following that model, the E.R. in Colorado set up a team on-call for patients with broken homes.Disadvantaged patients who kept returning to the E.R. were matched to social workers, health coaches and doctors who visited them where they lived and kept in touch for several months. By staying involved after the E.R. visits and not letting details fall through the cracks, the team reduced these patients’ need to revisit the hospital by 30 percent compared with the need of those in a control group.The E.R. at Yale, where I work, addressed a different group in need. Elderly patients who came to the E.R. after a fall were offered a follow-up at home. There, they were screened for risk factors that might lead to another fall, such as loose rugs, medications that increased their risk of balance problems, or lack of necessary equipment or support at home. Over the next month, those who received such visits called 911 about half as often as similar patients who did not participate in the program.Programs like these are not considered the E.R.’s core business, so they often rely on grants — and they end if funding dries up. Of the slim resources that E.R.s do set aside to address patients’ barriers outside the hospital, most are put toward hiring social workers and care managers. But these employees, stymied by mountains of paperwork and unrealistic patient loads, never get outside the hospital to see their patients, either. The programs at Colorado and Yale succeeded by framing the E.R.’s resources differently. They recognized that the E.R. staff could identify problems that were destined to arise after discharge — and empowered those employees to help. Both programs orchestrated follow-ups outside the E.R; those teams worked on the day-to-day problems at home that go unaddressed in hospitals and clinics and can cause catastrophes.As I zip up my bag, I head to Jean-Luc’s room to talk to him about urinary catheters. But when I arrive I find only our custodian with a mop, pulling the crumpled sheets and throwing out the extra tubes of blood. Up or out; Jean Luc is already up. His fate is out of my hands now, and I worry that he won’t keep his spirits up, that his bed sore will never heal.Only a few minutes have passed, and the waiting room has filled up again. A man with a nosebleed has arrived. A nurse hands him a nasal-compression clip and a basin to spit in. He and his wife look around, wondering how long they will have to wait. By now, Jean-Luc’s bed is freshly made. For this couple, his quick move upstairs was a blessing. It means that, on my way out, I can tell them that they will be called back soon. A room just freed up. Read the full article

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thebeckychronicles · 7 years ago

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Caretaker letters- Brianda

Jenni asked me to write a post for her about what it’s been like for me, as an older sister, having a younger sister go through chemotherapy. When she first asked me I thought “Uh, easy, it sucks. Emphasis on SUCKS”. Never in a million years did I think that one of my siblings would be diagnosed with cancer. She got diagnosed on February 14, 2017. That’s forever going to be one of the darkest days from here on out (don’t feel bad Jenni it’s not your fault. I already know you feel bad having read that). Hearing that news straight out of the doctors mouth froze me. The doctor first called the cancer by it’s full name – Hodgkin’s lymphoma. When he said that I was slightly relieved for that second, but then he followed it by “it’s a type of cancer”, and then everything slowed down. My heart stopped and I immediately turned to look at Jenni. She already had tears running down her cheeks. Jenni had been officially diagnosed with cancer. Our worst fears had been confirmed. In the days leading up to her February 14th appointment, my whole family and I were on edge. We all knew her being sick was only the result of a few things – a thyroid condition, an infection, or some form of cancer. The simple fact that cancer was even a possibility was an excruciating thought to bear. As her older sister, and as the oldest of 5, I’ve always tried to clear the path for my siblings and make things easier for them than they were for me. As their oldest sister I make sure to defend them against anyone. I make sure to give them the best advice so they don’t get hurt. But in this situation, there was nothing I could do for Jenni. There wasn’t anything I could do for her to take the cancer away. There wasn’t anyone for me to stand up to, to defend Jenni. There wasn’t any advice I could give as to her treatment to make it easier. There just wasn’t anything I could do to change the fact that she was sick and she was the one who needed to receive treatment. Nothing I had ever experienced could help her and that killed me as her sister. This was one thing I really couldn’t help her with. Not in the ways that I had been used to. After the day of her diagnosis I started asking the doctors a million questions at every appointment (which annoyed the hell out of Jenni but I didn’t care, and still don’t :) ), researching, and doing anything to try and keep Jenni as comfortable and healthy as possible before she started her treatments and during. I felt that that was the least I could do to help. Throughout the months she was in treatment I’d come to find that keeping Jenni healthy would be a whole other battle on it’s own. I know I came off as overbearing and annoying to her because, while all she wanted to do is get in and out of her appointments asap, I wanted to ask the doctors a million questions, and question them to make sure they’re taking the absolute best care of her. Because while I wanted her to eat healthy, she only wanted to eat what she could stomach and craved - which was usually sugary shit. Her and I would butt heads about this a lot - about what she wanted to do and what I thought she should do because, hello, older sisters know best. I’ve never told her but when she gave me attitude when I questioned her on why she wanted to go back to work, I had had enough. It seemed like the last straw. I was one second away from telling her to count me out of everything that had to do with her cancer, her treatment, her decisions because it seemed like she didn’t care about my opinion and that she was going to do whatever she wanted anyway. Why stress myself out worrying about her at all times when she’s going to do whatever she wants anyway? It’s easier to just not have anything to do with the situation for my sanity. That’s what I thought in that moment (surprise Jenni). I’m glad I never said that though, because, really, I was just frustrated with the situation she was in overall. And possibly because as her older sister I think she always needs to do what I say-possibly. I had to get used to helping Jenni in the smallest of ways. Like taking her out to eat after her treatment to make her feel better. Or picking up some anti-nausea remedies for her. Or making sure the kids stayed quiet while Jenni napped. Or just being someone to talk to whenever she needed it, which was usually Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s the weeks she got treatment.

I’ve always been very over protective over all of my siblings, but I became especially over protective of Jenni during her whole treatment. When her hair finally started falling out, she asked me to buzz it. I didn’t cry like I thought I would have, probably because that didn’t make her look sick. She can pull off the buzzed hair look. But when we would go out in public some people would stare at her -whether it was because she looked sick to them or because she was a girl with short hair I don’t know- but it would really piss me off. I’d make sure to start staring at them until they noticed and it made them uncomfortable so they’d stop looking at her. It was my way of telling them “stop fucking looking at my sister before she notices and gets self conscious you douche bag”. I couldn’t get to them all though. People would still stare, Jenni would notice, get a little self conscious, but that was really it. It didn’t stop her from going out. She’s been mad brave through this whole thing. I bought her the wig she wanted but she’s maybe worn it twice this whole time. I want my money back Jenni.

Today is July 30, 2017. She has one more chemo therapy treatment to go and then she’s done. This has been the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my entire life, and I’m not even the one who’s getting treatment! Jenni, I really can’t imagine what it must be like for you- you living it in flesh and blood every day. You tell me how you feel about every other week and all I can think is “damn, i don’t know how you do it”. I don’t know how you’re not complaining all the time. I don’t know how you’re not crying every minute of every day. I don’t know how you manage to still completely be yourself- happy, feisty, funny, and so much more. I don’t know how you manage to stir up the energy to go hang out with your friends so much. I know you think cancer took this past year from you, but you took it from Becky. Becky wasted her time trying to get you- she got the wrong one! You’re kicking Becky’s ass so hard she gonna tell her friends for sure.

I’ve done everything I can imagine to keep you comfortable, keep your spirits up, and keep you safe. And you know I’m ALWAYS here for you. It’s still lit 🔥

#hodgkin's lymphoma #cancer sucks #but life doesn't have to #the becky chronicles #fuck cancer #family #life

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thetwitchylife · 8 years ago

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hey i'm trying to write a story about a character with epilepsy. i'm not epileptic so i'm trying really hard to make his (partial) seizures accurate but i also don't want to romanticize them. what are some first hand experiences w partial seizures/can you have more than one type of seizure/how would you want epilepsy to be presented in a book? ik that's a lot of questions but i want it to be accurate and not make the character a charity case. would writing an epileptic character be overstepping?

I’m delighted to get this question! Getting info from folks who deal with epilepsy is exactly what authors should do. Go you!

Advice #0. DO NOT KILL THE EPILEPTIC CHARACTER. FOR ANY REASON. JUST DON’T.

1. Partial seizures describe a huge range of sensations and actions, so you can probably pick about four kinds of seizures that happen to your character.

-Most folks have many kinds of seizures (like me) but putting the full range and variety of simple or complex partial seizures might be too much. Check out the resources at the bottom of the page for more range.

-Realize that where the seizures originate will affect what kinds of seizures they have. I don’t know enough about the brain to tell you what kinds of seizures come from what part of the brain, though. Not a neurologist. Go find one, and ask them!

2. If it were up to me, I’d see epilepsy treated kind of like its own character. A character has quirks and needs and an origin story, and they interact with other characters. Think about:

-When did epilepsy come into your protag’s life? Were they born with it? How much does it interfere with their daily actions?

- Where did it come from? Was it the result of an illness, or a traumatic brain injury, or was it idiopathic (they don’t know, and probably never will know, where it came from)? There’s a lot of anger and blame associated with each kind- whoever caused the TBI, whatever caused (or didn’t prevent) the illness, or directionless anger/self-loathing for idiopathic epilepsy.

-Is it controlled by medication, partially or completely? A huge number of people never get their seizures completely under control, even with medication, implants, surgery, diet, acupuncture, or anything else they try. But even when it’s controlled fully, epilepsy interferes with someone’s life.

-How many people know about this character’s epilepsy? For a lot of folks, epilepsy holds a shit-ton of shame. People with epilepsy used to be forcibly sterilized. Epileptics were banned from marriage in Missouri until 1980. How would you feel, knowing that people like you were considered a social danger?

-Is the character conscious during their seizures, or not? Do they have any warning before their seizures? (Realize that “auras” are often not just floating lights- they could be a flash of fear or nausea, or smelling gasoline/cat pee, or tingly finger, whatever, and not everyone has them.)

-Do they know anyone with epilepsy? Do they have any friends post-diagnosis? Epilepsy is fucking ISOLATING, especially because you can’t drive to see friends who live outside of walking/bicycling distance, and people can get real jumpy around you.

3. Stuff that has bugged me about books that have had epileptic characters, that hopefully you can avoid, has been:

-Not having the daily stuff mentioned- taking meds, or freaking out because you forgot them, or dealing with insurance, etc.

-Not realizing how important your doctor/neurologist is in your life. If you have a good one, you KEEP them. I have a long-standing relationship with my neuro. She’s part-therapist, part-doctor, because for years I didn’t know anyone else with epilepsy, and she was the only person I could talk to about it. (Family gets very distressed when I talk about SUDEP.)

-Glossing over how complex meds are. Maybe they work, maybe they don’t. Maybe your med levels fluctuate during the day/month, maybe they interact with diet or stress or sleep. Just changing your meds takes over a month, and it’s the most stressful thing. Nobody likes it.

-Making this about “God’s grace” or something. Don’t even. If I have epilepsy, and we’re talking about the Christin God, then God gave me these seizures. Praying for God to take away my seizures is basically telling them that they screwed up. Rude. I tend to smile and nod when people tell me they’ll pray for me, then add their name to an internal list of “Morons to Avoid.”

-KILLING THE CHARACTER FOR THE ABLED CHARACTER TO GROW AS A PERSON. DO NOT- I REPEAT DO NOT- KILL THE EPILEPTIC CHARACTER.

4. Writing a character with epilepsy would not be overstepping. It would be a breath of fresh air- we have so few stories that include us, especially ones where we live through until the end, and dear god I live for those stories.

5. There are two kinds of partial seizures: simple partial and complex partial.

Simple partial seizures are seizures where your character is aware of what’s around them.

Complex partial seizures are when your character loses consciousness. Not convulsing or dropping to the floor, just blanked out.

Many people (like me) have both types. In fact, I’ll usually have several simple partial seizures mixed with complex partial seizures.

My usual complex partial seizure is:

-I lose consciousness. A few seconds later I regain consciousness, and my body is in roughly the same position, but during the seizure my body slumps down. This is usually fine, but is hazardous while crossing the road, cooking, or carrying something delicate. It comes with no warning.

-If I’m walking, then I keep walking, or I (semi-voluntarily) sit down. I generally lose consciousness halfway to the ground. I take my time standing up, because I feel very muzzy.

-When it’s a stronger seizure, I might wet myself. Wicked embarrassing, but the right combination of meds can stop it from happening. (It’s been months!)

-Afterwards I’m muzzy/foggy, cannot understand spoken language or speak, and have lost track of what I was doing before. After a few seconds/minutes, it comes back.

-Every time I seize, I kick my right leg. I didn’t know this until my roommate told me they’d noticed a “tell.”

My simple partials tend to be:

-I lose the ability to speak, lose facial expression, and open my mouth while blinking/closing my eyes. Sometimes I can raise on hand to give the “hold on a minute” gesture. I’ve been told that I look like I’m in pain- I’m not. It’s just muscular contractions.

-My vision just cuts out- I can’t see anything, and I feel confused and muzzy. When I see things again I’m clear enough to know that I’ve seized and tell folks that I’m fine, I just had a seizure.

-HUGE dizzy spells. Like, grab on to the wall and close your eyes. (I used to have these in college, it was intense. I’m on better meds now.)

Keep in mind: All of these vary in intensity and length. I might blank out for a millisecond, so the person I’m talking to doesn’t even notice. (Happened with my neurologist once.) I also might lose my awareness of anything outside my body for a full 30 seconds.

Also keep in mind: this is just me, one person. My seizures are all language-centric (The first thing to go is ALWAYS the ability to understand spoken language) because my seizures come from the part of my brain that controls language. (One area in the left Temporal lobe.)

Talk to other people. See what their epilepsy is like. What traits fit your narrative needs? And above all, DO NOT KILL THE TWITCHER.

And when it’s finished, tell us who you are so we can all read it! I’d totally read Supernatural Fanfic if it included an epileptic character, and I’d extra-read an original novel.

Resources: http://www.epilepsy.com/article/2016/12/2017-revised-classification-seizures

http://www.epilepsy.com/learn/types-seizures/simple-partial-seizures

http://www.epilepsy.com/learn/types-seizures/complex-partial-seizures

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs999/en/

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helatherwhite · 7 years ago

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My Family’s AMAZING CBD Experience

This is a post that I never thought I would write.

My family and CBD–as in hemp. Seriously.

Well, I'm writing this.

CBD, CBD oil, medical marijuana, and hemp oil have all been in the news a lot recently.

And it's all created quite a stir. People have been touting the beneficial effects of the hemp and marijuana plants (they are 2 different things), but I remained fairly skeptical. I mean, I really love this Vegan Ranch Dressing that's loaded with hemp seeds, but this?

Yeah, right.

I would see articles about people feeling better while using marijuana for medicinal purposes, and I would hesitatingly think I supported this kind of use, but something always held me back.

Well, I'm glad that something budged.

No, we haven't used medical marijuana, but we did end up using a CBD-rich hemp oil, and it has literally changed out lives.

A number of months ago, I became aware of a company that was selling this oil. I showed my husband the information and he said, “Get it.”

So, I did. Apparently he had just seen an article by a conservative author who had been a former skeptic, turned “believer” when she tried medical marijuana on her son.

Well, long story short, I started doing research and was pretty excited about what I found, but I kept digging and digging and of course wanted to try it on my family before saying anything to my readers.

Now do I have a story to tell.

My Family's Hemp Oil / CBD Experience

Now, CBD and this hemp oil are not to be confused with marijuana or pot. This is hemp oil – nano-enhanced, CBD-rich hemp oil. Totally different story. So no worries about it being illegal in your state–this is legal in all 5o states.

I was nervous about medical marijuana and all and was wondering about it. I'm not one for big government, but still, it made me nervous, and I have a friend in CO who was telling me about her concerns, about pot shops opening up everywhere and car accidents related to smoking marijuana becoming more commonplace.

But this is different. This is “Healthy–Not High.”

If you are interested in how this oil might benefit you, you can do an internet search for “CBD & ____” filling in the blank for whatever health condition you are thinking about and see what the research says.

Well, today I'm sharing something with you that I NEVER expected I would be writing.

First, because it has to do with hemp, and secondly because of what it's done for my son.

Get ready to be amazed. My eyes are literally welling up with tears as I write this.

My Son's CBD Experience – Panic Episodes Gone. And more.

Panic Episodes

Literally, since the day he started taking this, my son has had none. ZERO panic episodes. None.

Two to three weeks after he started using this nano-enhanced CBD-rich hemp oil, we had an incredibly stressful week. My sister and her boyfriend came into town and we went around town with them and stayed up 'til the wee hours of the morning talking.

And talking. And not just about simple things–these were deep talks about intense topics. They were actually amazing but stressful in a good way.

Then came the real test.

My son was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (which is on the spectrum) about 9 years ago. One of the symptoms of Asperger's is focused attention, or an obsession, about a certain topic, or topics. My son's current (and long-standing) obsession is sports. He loves watching sports, listening to sports, reading about sports, memorizing sports rules, learning sports statistics, and playing sports. Sports, sports, and more sports.

He's been playing hockey for awhile now, which is his favorite sport of all time.

Anyhow, the week that my sister and her boyfriend were visiting overlapped with his hockey camp.

CBD Experience–Test #1:

We were in the middle of preparing a late dinner and my husband took my son to his camp. It wasn't the best timing, but he wanted to go. About 20 min or so after they left, the phone rang. It was my son.

Son: “Um…Mom, I got the times wrong and today's camp is over. They changed the schedule and I missed the email.”

Me: “I'm sorry. Well, at least you get to come home and spend time with us.”

Son: “Yeah.”

Me: “Are you OK?”

Son: “I'm fine. See you soon.”

I asked him again if he was OK because I couldn't believe my ears. I thought he was just stuffing the panic down. But he wasn't. He repeated that he was OK and they came home and we had a great rest of the evening together.

Now, typically missing something sports related, especially hockey, would have resulted in a LOT of stress. As in a panic episode.

But this time–nothing.

Oh – I almost forgot to mention that the man who runs the league had basically chewed him out for missing the practice, even though it really was partially the team's oversight–they had sent out 2 emails with one time listed and then a later email that had the corrected time, but the subject line didn't mention the time change so my son missed it.

Typically getting reprimanded by an authority figure is another thing that would set my son off big time, but he weathered this OK too.

CBD Experience–Test #2–the Next Day

So the next day, our company left. We hadn't gotten much sleep at all the night before (as in worst bedtime we had ever had) and said good-bye to them after spending some time at a local large botanical garden in 90-degree weather. We had plans that evening, so we went home and got some things together and then headed out the door, planning to drop my oldest off at the now infamous hockey camp, but we were running late.

When we were almost there, my son realized that he had forgotten his socks. (Note–it was summer – typically he doesn't have to remember socks since he's normally skating in the winter and well, he's wearing them :)!) Anyhow, my husband got mad at him, but my son said pretty calmly, “That's OK–I'll just go to the cookout with you.”

Now, this might not seem like a big deal to you, but again, we're talking hockey and we were already late (a stressor) and my son didn't really want to go to the cookout since he didn't know any friends of his that would be there.

Let me lay this out for you–typically in this kind of situation, he would have started yelling and getting very upset and Son #2 would start teasing Son #1. Which would end up making Son #1 REALLY upset and then dad would be yelling, fearing he was going to get in an accident. Yup – total family CHAOS!!

This time? Nothing.

Now we realized something was really going on.

Something had changed.

What would have normally led to a full-blown episode was just no. big. deal.

Over the next week or so, our son (and we) noticed other things that had changed. He had:

Flexibility – while doing family exercise, our son is able to bend farther and is more flexible overall. We do T Tapp Basic Workout Plus.

Social Skills – when approaching and interacting with other kids and when talking with other adults, things are so much smoother and his eye contact is much better!

Household Chores – These have been a problem in our home. No one likes doing them, but our oldest has struggled with not knowing what to do and needing direction pretty much all the time. Well, since starting this oil, he's a different kid. He actually walks around finding ways to help. Without being asked.

I'm simply amazed.

We (and he) still keep noticing things. One weekend, we ran into a friend at Costco. We talked forever (she's that kind of friend :)), and she was amazed at the changes in him. So much so that she came over that week to get a bottle of the oil that we he was using.

I seriously wouldn't be surprised if my son tested off the spectrum at this point. I'm nervous saying that, but it's the truth.

And, there's more….

My Husband's CBD Experience

Focus, Motion Tummy, Sleep, and Improved Digestion (yup–poop is better!)

I'll share more about these issues later, but quickly I'll touch on 4 ways that this oil has helped my husband.

Focus – My husband LOVES books. I like books, but not this much. He is an English Professor and has LOADS of books. I especially don't like moldy books (see this post on mold toxicity to see why). Well, he has a lot of old books in his office and every time we go there, they make the boys and I not feel well. I've asked him to ditch them for years, but he didn't. After using this oil for about 2 weeks, we went to his office and I started moving some books out. He wasn't happy but soon he was doing it too.

Next day he called from his office telling me he'd gotten rid of 100+ books!

Motion Sickness – Flying and my hubby don't get along well. Typically every 4th flight or so he will vomit on a plane. Well, when a recent trip, he texted me from the driveway “4 flights–no nausea!”

I didn't know what to think, but I quickly googled “CBD + motion sickness” and sure enough–it was the oil!!

Digestion – For years, poor digestion has been one of my husband's “issues”. Well, since starting the oil, he's actually maybe been in the bathroom more than usual so I didn't think to talk about it and wasn't really expecting anything.

Well, about a week ago, a friend asked me about a digestive autoimmune condition that she has and I remember that my husband had the same diagnosis. So I went and asked him how “poop” was going.

I said, “So I've noticed you've been in the bathroom more recently. Can you tell me if you've been in there longer because you've been having the same issues in the bathroom or have you been reading books on your new cell phone?”

To which he answered:

“I've been reading.”

And then he told me some things about his poop that you don't need to know.

Let's just say pooping is a lot better :).

Son #2's CBD Experience

Other son – severe head pains that led to vomiting on occasion. He hasn't been as consistent in using the oil but these have been significantly reduced.

So now I just need to get him to be more consistent with all of his supplements and see where this leads us :).

My CBD Experience

I'm weathering late nights and stress better and feel immediately more relaxed when using this oil. So does my son.

Now, every person is different. Will you see the same things if you try it? I don't know. I just know what it's done for us and I'm amazed.

Here are the Basics about this CBD-rich Hemp Oil:

Purity: This oil tests pure and well, you already know that I care a TON about purity if you saw this post on pure essential oils.

Apparently many of these oils on the market aren't pure and don't even have much CBD in them, so buyer beware!

Bioavailable: Typically this type of oil is only 10-30% bioavailable, while this oil is about 100% bioavailable, so your body can use all of the good stuff that is in it.

Clean: The hemp for this oil is sourced from 40-100-year old family-owned farms in Europe. Non GMO, free of herbicides and fungicides. Equivalent to Triple-A organic farms in the US.

Want to Learn More about CBD?

If you're wondering if this can help you, or someone you love, there are many things that people are seeing CBD benefits. Just google any illness or condition and CBD. Prepare to be amazed. This is really going to be something.

Projectcbd.org is a good place to investigate too.

Conclusion

I'm sitting here again, literally tearing up as I write this. We've literally spent thousands and thousands of dollars on medical treatments for our son. I'm not knocking doctors and alternative practitioners, but the things that have made the BIGGEST difference for him have been getting sugar out of his diet and THIS oil.

I wish I'd found it sooner.

So, I'm sure you all would like to know more….so full disclosure–this nano-enhanced hemp oil is sold via a direct sales company. Do I love all direct sales companies? No. But this product is great (possibly the best oil out there) and I think that direct sales is a viable business model. So for now, this is where I'm landing.

Also, my son doesn't want to try another oil. I've asked him and he said “no thanks. I feel too good.”

So that's that.

And you don't need to sell it.

And really — I'm not a pushy person….just a mom who's tried tons of things who wants to help others get help too and not get taken by scammy products and companies.

Of course I'm happy to tell you more about it–about any of this. I could just drop the link to my site here, but I found for me, and for many others, that there are typically a ton of questions about the oil…about how it's made, its purity, what to expect, etc., so if you are interested in learning more, just email me at adrienne {at} wholenewmom {dot} com or wholenewmom {at} gmail {dot} com and I will get you more info.

Have you heard of or tried CBD? I would love to hear about your CBD experience!

The post My Family’s AMAZING CBD Experience appeared first on Whole New Mom.

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catherineraephotography · 8 years ago

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Surivor Saturday w/Camille Goff - Maryland Portrait Photographer

I often am asked, "What led you to featuring cancer survivors?" The answer is simple; everyone has a story and everyone should share their story to help the next person who they might not even know! Just because an individual goes through cancer doesn't define them and I hope that this experience gives a little beauty back to the person because cancer wears a person down in so many ways. This week our Survivor is Camille a breast cancer survivor and here is her story:

1. When and what type of cancer were you diagnosed with?

I was diagnosed twice with right breast cancer after I felt a palpable lump during self breast examinations both times. The first time was in June 2004 at age 26 years old (one month before my 27th birthday) and the second diagnosis recently at age 38 in December 2015 (about a week before Christmas). I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer both times in Stage 1, but with the most recent breast cancer I learned that the cells also have a “Grade” and my pathology report showed that my Grade was a 3, which meant that the cells in my tumor were poorly differentiated and more aggressive this time around. A Triple Negative Breast Cancer diagnosis also meant that I had fewer options for treatment and could not be treated with hormone therapy such as Tamoxifen because it would not respond to that type of treatment. I don’t have any family history of “breast” cancer although other types of cancer does run in my family. I did genetic testing in 2004 BRACA 1 and 2 to see if I carried a gene mutation that could be passed on to my children. I have two children - a 19 year old daughter and a 11 year old son. My daughter was 8 years old at the time of my first cancer diagnosis and my son wasn’t born yet (he was born a year later in 2005). The genetic testing came back negative. I also did genetic testing after my recent diagnosis in January 2016. When I met with the genetic counselor, she told me that there were more test now then back when I had the previous testing in 2004 to check for various gene mutations that they didn’t know about back then. All the test came back negative, which was a relief for me but still didn’t answer where did the cancer came from. I decided to go with an entirely different medical care team with the second diagnosis which consisted of an oncologist, breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, and my primary care physician. Every year after I had my first breast cancer diagnosis, I had my mammograms and was clear each time with negative findings for any malignancy. Around 2010, when I went to get my annual mammogram the radiologist started seeing areas that they wanted to further evaluate and biopsy in both breast, but the findings were all benign (no cancer) until December 2015 when the cancer came back. Each year after 2010 was a very nerve wrecking experience when I went for my annual mammogram screenings. I opted to have a double mastectomy with nipple sparring breast reconstruction after my second diagnosis. I had made up my mind that I was going to do whatever I could to lessen the chances of a recurrence so I could live as long as possible. I met with my oncologist and nurse and we discussed my treatment plan. It was strongly suggested by my oncologist that I do chemotherapy this time around, which I dreaded (I will terrified of chemotherapy) but again hoped that maximum treatment would give maximum results. My oncologist during the first diagnosis felt that chemotherapy would not make too much of a difference as apart of my treatment plan due to the size of the tumor, clean margins and no lymph node activity. I was also younger and wanted to have another child. The chemotherapy drug that was suggested could push you into early menopause and cause infertility. I had a strong survival prognosis with my first cancer diagnosis. I went 11 years without a recurrence. During this second diagnosis my treatment plan included the chemotherapy drug - Adriamycin (also known as the “red devil”), Cytoxan and Taxol. This type of chemotherapy is harsh and causes alot of side effects, but my oncologist prepared me as much as possible with anti-nausea meds, nutrition plans, and other helpful resources. I read as much as I could to cope with all the symptoms and physical changes, but to actually go through it was another story. I lost every strand of hair on my head and body. My hair started coming out a lot after my second chemotherapy treatment. I tried to have some control over the situation and asked my husband to shave my head on April 20, 2016. I will never forget that day! I actually started chemotherapy on March 31st, almost a month earlier. My plastic surgeon had inserted the tissue expanders during my double mastectomy. The tissue expanders were hard and uncomfortable but their purpose is to stretch out the muscle in preparation for the breast implants. I had several complications while getting chemotherapy throughout my entire treatment which resulted in a total of 5 surgeries from Feb - Dec 2016. To make a long story short - the previously radiated skin on the right breast from my first breast cancer would not heal from my original double mastectomy surgery in February 2016. The surgeon tried all kinds of ways to get it to heal but the skin was so damaged that the wound underneath my breast just would not heal. I had to get the right tissue expander and my right nipple removed in May 2016. My surgeon and I discussed me having a latissimus dorsal flap procedure. He wanted to basically take muscle from my back to reconstruct my right breast, but suggested that we wait until I was done with chemotherapy for that procedure. He also had to insert a new tissue expander on the right side after my chemotherapy was completed. I completed my entire chemotherapy treatment plan on August 18, 2016 surrounded by the infusion center staff, my husband, and my mom. I rang that bell and got out of there as quickly as I could! It was such a relief. What a long journey, but I was finally done for real after several delays due to complications and my treatment plan had been extended at least 2 or 3 times. It had gotten to the point that I didn’t want to discuss what I thought would be my last actual date to be finished because my oncologist had to change my treatment plan due to all the issues that occured during treatment. I really had a tough time, but I made it to the end. I experinced so many side effects that included things such as a bladder reaction - frequency and urinary spasms, intense itching, skin peeling, fingernail discoloration/nail loss, neuropathy in my hands and feet, excessive weight loss - I lost around 24 pounds and really felt grateful that part was finally over and I could begin to live again. I could finally look forward to building myself back up physically and mentally. I was off from work for about 6 months and was looking forward to getting back to my “norm” again.

2. Who helped you get through your treatments?

My husband and my mom helped me get through my treatment. They were a HUGE support system for me. My mom bought vegetables, fruits, and whatever else she thought would be helpful to almost every infusion appointment. My husband cooked every meal and took care of everything at home. I never had to go to a doctor’s appointment or chemotherapy treatment alone. They sat with me during EVERY treatment no matter how irritated or unpleasant my attitude was on some days -they were there. I also got support in various ways from other family members and a few close friends and co-workers. I got text, phone calls, cards, flowers, meals delivered, and gifts which reminded me that I was being thought of almost daily or at least weekly and I wasn't alone in my fight to battle cancer. I am a very independent and a private person that would have probably tried to do everything alone but I am so glad that I accepted all the support that I received. It was overwhelming at times, but so appreciated. I am and I will always be very grateful. I even got a surprise at my final chemotherapy infusion from a friend that I haven’t seen in years. She was one of my closest childhood friends. I've known her since elementary school. We hugged and cried - that moment was so special and priceless in the middle of waiting room of the infusion center.

3. When were you given the all clear?

I was actually deemed cancer free when I had my double mastectomy on February 16, 2016. That was the big surgery where the cancer was removed. I can’t believe that it’s been almost a year already. I plan to set the tone with this 1st anniversary and do something special for myself like this Survivor photoshoot every year moving forward. Enjoy time with my family - maybe we’ll go out to a nice quiet dinner that evening. I can really celebrate on my birthday this summer in July that I made it to 40 and pray that God blesses me with many more. I am planning either a big party or trip.

4. Do you work with any charitites or have one of your own?

I am not affiliated in any special charities at this time. I hope to get involved and mentor other survivors in the near future. I have done breast cancer walks and given donations to various charities in the past.

5. What would you like to tell someone who might have been just diagnosed?

I would tell anyone that has just been diagnosed that they will get through it all. To always Have Faith, Believe, and have Hope - Do whatever to keep yourself strong spiritually and mentally because the treatment can drain you in every way. Try to do things to make yourself feel better, towards the middle of treatment, I learned that if I had the strength to dress up nice ...I felt better (Look good, Feel Good!) I would also say - Never give up and keep fighting until you can’t fight anymore! Be your own advocate when it comes to your me

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allenmendezsr · 5 years ago

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