#the devils lettuce indeed

[tommygotwrittenoff]

confession time!! i cant get high anymore because the last time i did, i started looking at buddie from the perspective of brothers and not lovers, and it scared me so much i cant smoke weed anymore

[konohomies]

save him

[phin-tastic]

coming here to agree, tyler durden would hit both the strawberry shortcake (cake) vape and strawberry shortcake (weed strain) vape

you’re right and u should say it! made this for u anon <3 (i am terrible at editing, bon appétit)

[the-devil-less-known]

It probaby wasn't hard to find the intruder who had breached the castle, especially when the culprit was hanging from a chandelier, wrapped around it as best as he could, while slimes threatened him below. The Radio Demon was crackling feedback at them, swearing, and....unashamedly screaming for Lucifer to remove the gelatinous goups.

.....had he not been so incredibly high in the first place, he would have actually remembered they were there, and would have not tried this folly of breaking in over a rumor that Lucifer indeed had really good Devil's Lettuce, so to speak.

He reaped what he sowed, but that didn't stop him from crying to Lucifer to get him out of his own mess.

"Lucifer!! Come get these slimes, blast it!! I'm too high for this!!"

Said slimes squealed and cooed, gathering underneath to occasionally jump up, too far down to remotely reach. It was like a whole clowder of cats watching their human do stupid shit. As much as Alastor was scared by them, the little orbs of goo seemed to have taken a shine to him.

Lucifer, meanwhile, comes running out in a sheer robe with fluffy trim, pausing at the top of the foyer stairs to, well, stare, at Alastor, bong in one hand. "Al- ALASTOR??"

It's too ridiculous a scene, and somehow like many other times around the sinner, Lucifer finds himself cracking up. The glass anatomical heart bong is set down on the top step as the devil makes his casual way over in no real hurry whatsoever.

"And just what do you think you're doing here? It's a bit late to make a social call, y'know! Anyway, what's the magic word, Alastor? Say it nicely enough, and I'll rescue you and not tell Charlie."

[vannahfanfics]

Fright Night

Word Count: 2,400

Established Relationship, Humor, Pranks

Summary: Robin and Law share a morbid sense of humor, and they use it to terrorize their crewmates. Just a little bit.

“You know, Nico-ya—when you said that you wanted to spice up date night, this isn’t quite what I had in mind,” Law frowned as he scratched at the side of his head. He was looking down at Robin with a mixture of concern and intrigue. 

“I can’t blame you for that, I suppose,” came Robin’s nonchalant reply. “Most people’s ideas of dates don’t involve a disembodied head on a platter.” 

“Yet, here we are, with your disembodied head on a platter.” 

Robin’s body was sitting in the chair at the small side table on which her detached head rested comfortably; it gave Law an airy shrug, then resumed arranging romaine lettuce leaves on a large ceramic serving plate. It was quite a strange feeling, Robin mused, knowing that you were completely disconnected from your body yet able to direct its motions unimpeded. Robin merely felt like the rest of her body was suspended in water, a little weighty and cool but otherwise sensorily intact. 

“Come, now,” Robin hummed mirthfully at her boyfriend, her lipsticked mouth curling up into an impish smirk. “You can’t act all unsure before you ask me what I intend to do with my severed head on a platter.” 

“Pray tell, what do you intend to do with your severed head on a platter?” Law chuckled. 

Knowing Law, Robin surmised that he had thought that she was joking when she’d asked him to sever her head using his Devil Fruit powers. Feeling a little light-hearted himself, he’d probably done it as a joke with all intention of putting it back within a minute or so. He’d probably expected Robin to be wholly unfazed by it, given that they shared the same morbid sense of humor, but he apparently hadn’t expected her to plop her own head on a table and start arranging things like she was going to present it to a meal to somebody. 

Which is exactly what she intended to do. 

“I overheard Sanji say that Usopp missed dinner again because he’s too busy tinkering with something in his workshop,” Robin explained, pausing to let her hand pop an extra piece of lettuce into her mouth. She crunched it between her teeth and swallowed, madly curious to see if it would merely fall out of her throat or would somehow be teleported to the rest of her body. She wasn’t sure if she was disappointed or relieved to find it was the latter. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” she grinned when Law raised an eyebrow at her. “Anyway, Sanji went to prepare something for him, and it will take time, naturally. So I thought that was the perfect recipe for a prank. Don’t you think so, too, Law?” she asked with an alluring flap of her lashes. The coy gesture did little to disguise the downright devilish gleam in her eyes. 

“I think you should leave the cooking to Black Leg-ya,” Law huffed, but his face directly contradicted his words. A Cheshire cat grin stretched wide across his mouth, and his dark eyes had taken on the same devious gleam as Robin’s. “That being said… You’ve already put in so much effort, and the man does hate to waste food. We wouldn’t want to upset your hard-working cook, now, would we?” 

“Indeed not,” Robin purred. She knew that winning over Law would be easy, but she was still incredibly pleased with his compliance. She really had intended for this to be a way to shake up the humdrum of date night, after all. One could only do so many private dinners and cuddle sessions before boredom began to set in. Variety was the spice of life, as the saying went, and Robin was in the mood for something tasty. 

And what could be tastier than scaring the living daylights out of the ship’s resident fraidy-cat? 

“All right, I think that’s enough. It’s time to bring Usopp a special delivery,” Robin smirked wickedly when her body had finished placing the last leaf of lettuce on the plate. 

“It’s a good thing that I’m a doctor,” Law laughed while picking up Robin’s head to gently set it on the plate. “I think I might have to do CPR on him after this prank. I’ve seen you all pull some shit on him, but I think this one takes the cake.” 

As he pulled his hands away, Robin blinked thoughtfully up at him; in the chair, her body mimed as if she was cupping her chin with a hand. Since her chin was a foot away resting against some romaine, of course, it merely cupped empty air. 

“What?” Law asked her. 

“Do you think I should have my body jump out of a cake?” 

“Nico-ya, I’m starting to think that you might actually want to kill Nose-ya,” Law laughed and shook his head at her. 

“Well, even if he does die, you can just resuscitate him,” Robin pointed out, her headless body shrugging casually once again. “Although, I suppose a heart attack isn’t exactly pleasant, and I’ve no real grudge against Usopp. I’ll save that idea for another time, I guess.” Robin willed her body to stand, then to motion at the silver dish cover sitting on the table beside her plattered head. “All right. Let’s hurry, before Sanji gets to him and ruins the joke!” 

“I pity those you do have grudges against,” Law just chuckled and grabbed the dish cover. 

When Law placed it over her head, Robin couldn’t help but quip, “Hey, who turned out the lights?” 

It took several minutes to get down to Usopp’s workshop in the depths of the Thousand Sunny’s hull, for Law had to proceed carefully with Robin’s headless body in tow. Most of the crew were still above decks, most likely, but they didn’t want to risk running into one of them and having to waste time on explanations. They couldn’t use Law’s Room to fast-travel down there, either; in order to do so, he’d have to create one of considerable size, and it might attract the attention of Robin’s crewmates. Both circumstances could result in Sanji completing his cooking and delivering the meal to Usopp, which would not bode well for Robin’s practical joke. Thankfully, they arrived at the door to the workshop having encountered nary a soul. 

“Oi, Nose-ya,” Robin heard her significant other call while rapping his knuckles against the door. “I’m coming in.” While her body hid in the shadows of the hall, Law slipped into the workshop, making sure to shut the door behind him. “You missed dinner, so Black Leg-ya had me bring it to you since I was headed toward the underwater viewing deck.” 

“Aw, man, I totally lost track of time!” Robin heard Usopp whine, presumably from his workbench based on the muffled sound of him hastily pushing things aside. Robin felt the platter shift as Law brought it across the room. 

“Thanks, Law!” Usopp chirped when Law set the platter down. “Funny how as soon as you stop doing something, you realize how hungry you are!” he then laughed, followed by a loud, gurgling growl of his belly. He sounded positively famished, and Robin almost felt bad for playing this little joke on him.

Almost. 

“Now, let’s see what ol’ Sanji’s whipped up this time!” she heard Usopp cackle in anticipation, combined with the sound of him rubbing his hands together. “Come to Papa~”

Robin plastered a big, cheesy grin on her face, and when Usopp removed the lid from the platter, she trilled, “Bon appetit!” 

“AAAIIIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Usopp immediately howled and sprang off his stool like it was suddenly a blazing-hot fire under his rump. He frantically back-pedaled away from Robin’s detached head, and she watched with glee as all the blood drained from his face and his irises shrank into the whites of his eyes. In so doing, he tripped over a loose board and went sprawling out on his back. 

Law hastily scrambled out of the way of his flailing arms, then immediately succumbed to laughter; one hand clutched the workbench, while the other held his stomach as he gasped through his cackling fit. 

Meanwhile, Robin laughed merrily and bid her body to stroll into the room, while ripping another high-pitched scream from the terrified young man. He just watched in a mixture of horror and fascination as her body strolled up to the silver platter and plucked her head from the bed of leaves. His eyes then rolled into the back of his head, and he flopped lifelessly back to the floor. 

“Shah—Shah—Shambles!” Law wheezed while holding out a quivering hand to activate his Devil Fruit. 

Just like that, Robin’s form was now all put together. She experimentally rolled her neck around her shoulders and turned it side-to-side; once satisfied that the reattachment had not gone awry, she smiled and strolled over to the splayed-out Usopp. She crouched down beside him and clicked her tongue; sure enough, he was out cold, his eyes rolled back so she could only see the whites. When she checked his pulse, however, she felt it thrumming strong against her fingertips. No harm, no faul, she decided. 

Just then, Robin and Law heard thundering footsteps approaching. They looked up just in time to see the door burst open. 

“Usopp! Usopp, are you—?!” Sanji shouted, eyes wide with panic and his cigarette clenched tight between his teeth. It took him a second to process the scene, and as he did, his fright slowly morphed into confusion. His gaze flicked from Robin to the silver platter to Law several times in succession before the revelation dawned on his face. 

“Law! What did you do to Usopp?” he demanded, pointing a stern finger at him while using his other hand to hold a bowl of steaming-hot soup high over his head. 

“It was Nico-ya’s idea!” Law shrugged, though his devilish smirk didn’t do much to inspire any notions of his innocence. 

“Oh, we just played a little prank on him,” Robin tutted while fanning Usopp’s face. She smiled as his eyelids began to flutter and color return to his ghastly white face. “I didn’t expect him to faint.” 

Sanji scrunched up his face in a terse frown, caught between wanting to scold her and being totally unable to. So, he just stood there in stiff silence as Usopp slowly came to, moaning and groaning. 

“Ah… Robin… Your head…” he whined as he looked up at her through hazy, unfocused eyes. “Hey… It’s… It’s attached!” The sight of her totally not-headless body had him rapidly ascending into consciousness; he sat bolt upright with a gasp, looking between her, Law, and the platter with a series of confused noises. “But—But I—you—your head—the platter—Wuh?” He suddenly stopped to fix his bewildered stare on Law, and it, too, dawned on him. 

“You guys! That was totally not cool!” he cried while throwing his hands into his curly black hair. “Taking advantage of my hunger—way to hit below the belt, Robin!” 

“Sorry,” Robin apologized, though she only half-meant it. “If it makes it any better, Sanji’s here with a real plate of food for you.” 

Usopp crossed his legs underneath him and looked up at the cook as he walked over. Sanji bent down to hand Usopp the plate, and the inventor took it with a grateful sigh. He then grimaced and swirled the spoon around the broth several times, scrutinizing it. 

“You’re not in on this, are you, Sanji? No eyeballs, fingers, or creepy-crawlies?” Usopp asked with a suspicious frown up at the blond. 

“Nope. Soup is totally safe, Usopp,” Sanji reassured him with a weary smile. “Jeez… I’m glad you didn’t kill him, you two. I’d’ve been pissed if that soup had gone to waste.” 

“Oh, thanks,” Usopp huffed around a mouthful of soup and rolled his eyes. “Be pissed about the soup, not about the fact that I died. Really feeling the love here, guys.” 

“Oh, come now. I only pranked you because I knew you’d have such a delightful reaction,” Robin giggled. When Usopp frowned dourly at her, she reached up to pat him on the head. “I’m joking. You’re a good sport, Usopp; you know how to laugh at yourself. Come on—it was pretty funny, wasn’t it?” 

“Yeah,” Usopp agreed with a little snicker. “I gotta admit, that was pretty good. I can’t believe I haven’t thought of using Law’s Devil Fruit powers to pull a prank like that.” He stopped in the middle of spooning more soup into his mouth, and Robin purred excitedly at the devious gleam that alit his eyes. “Wait… What if we took off my arm and used it to prank Chopper?! Or my leg? Heck, my head, even!” 

“Nope. Not gonna be a part of this. Not listening,” Sanji quipped and strode right out of the door, hands over his ears. 

“Hold on, hold on—let me just finish this and we’ll think of something real good!” Usopp cackled maniacally and started shoveling soup into his mouth with gusto. 

Robin left him to it, rising to her feet and strolling languidly over to Law. As she leaned against the workbench beside him, he frowned at her. 

“Okay, Nose-ya coming in to third-wheel is definitely not what I had in mind.” 

“Oh, don’t even,” Robin chortled and gave him a knowing smirk. “I know that you’re dying to scare the pants off of Chopper.” 

Law could only hold his stern glare for a second before it morphed into a wolfish grin. 

“... I’d wonder if that makes me a bad person, except, I really don’t care,” he snickered devilishly and rubbed his tattooed hands together. “Oi, Nose-ya! What about sticking your arms in Nami’s tangerine trees and getting her, too?” 

“Yes!” Usopp agreed animatedly. “Although, we should save her for last. Nami might actually kill us. I want to prank everybody else before I’m brutally slaughtered like a helpless prey animal.” 

“Don’t worry, Usopp, I’ll protect you,” Robin chuckled. 

Yes, this was shaping up to be a rather interesting date night indeed. Oh, Robin was so glad that she found someone who shared her morbid sense of humor. The Thousand Sunny could do with a little excitement here and there, after all. They were just good little shipmates doing their part to keep things lively! 

“Fufufu…”

Did you enjoy this oneshot? Consider requesting from me by visiting my rules, then either commenting on this story, submitting an ask, or contacting me via DM! 

[shotmrmiller]

Not a drunk story but there was this one time I had taken a little to much 🍃🍃🍃 (ifykyk) and let's just say I was glued to my bed for a solid like 5 or 6 hours because I could not move. I couldn't even sleep it off because every time I closed my eyes I felt like I was falling and would jerk awake . AND even though I was not moving a muscle I felt like I had the worse motion sickness and had to force myself to go into the bathroom just in case I threw up which was not fun. Let's just say it was a wild trip and I learned my lesson and my limit 😭

the devils lettuce indeed. sure that wasn't laced with nun like that shit don't sound right lmfao

[cokowiii]

My turn!! I assume... that you're actually really quiet and that before this blog you had many that you wanted to choose and that you wanted to feel professional from but stuck with this because you had the most fun with it, and that you never had weed.

have a bubble tea 🧋

Kindaaa true. I was on tumblr way back in like 2012-15 then stopped before joining again this year with a fresh new acc.

I’ve indeed done the devils lettuce too :)

[apprenticestanheight]

Cal!!

Hey Cal!!

I uh, do believe I missed something two days ago!!

And if I marked it correctly..

I'm so happy to have you as a mutual!! You're always so sweet and kind!! I hope this year is so much better than last year, and it just keeps getting better every day! 💜

If it is indeed not a missed birthday lol and I marked it wrong... (and even a wish for today lol)

hi!! I'm answering this like,, three or four days later bc the wifi has been a MESS on my laptop and I've temporarily connected my laptop to my cells data hotspot, but anyway, THANK YOU!!

My birthday was this past monday and it was a surprisingly decent day--indulged in the devils lettuce for the first time and ate chicken wings while I watched The Princess Bride, and I didn't have to spend it relatively alone bc a snowstorm lead to both of my parents work being cancelled!! All in all, it was pretty much everything that the stoner-to-be in me wished for and because I could spend it as I chose I had a very good time lol

how've you been lately? It's been a while since I reached out!

[sucker-just]

Well, he's set up a "drug metaphor" for each kind of art. The kind of art he hates is like weed, a drug that makes you chill (barring certain reactions, I know people for whom it makes Very Unchill Indeed) and probably also eat (this will make sense hopefully).

Bulletproof coffee is a coffee product named after the company that developed it, also a generic name within the circles that drink it for any coffee with butter in it (and also sometimes an additional and much fancier fat source). It's considered a health food around ketogenic dieting circles. Keto is a diet that, by aggressively limiting carbs, forces your body to burn fats as its primary energy source. It was invented to help with some types of otherwise hard to treat epilepsy, the brain usually uses carbohydrates as its primary energy source, so moving to fat messes with its metabolism enough that it can help reduce seizure activity, in exchange for an incredibly restrictive diet. Then people realised that the people on this diet tended to lose weight (because they're on a diet where things like beans, nuts, lettuce, basically anything from a plant is a luxury to be weighed and regarded with some suspicion and that really puts the kibosh on most enjoyable or spontaneous food experiences, and also doing it long term might fuck with your satiety cues) so it became a massive thing around the turn of the fat is okay actually sugar is the devil movement. It's popular especially around alpha masculinity praising dickhead circles because of a bunch of sociocultural factors, like how the "safest" foods are animal products because plants make carbohydrates and animals don't really, they feel it's more alpha because something something no rabbit food hunting is so primal, and because the right wing is obsessed with diet culture in general. There's a lot to unpack there and people who've done it a lot better than me, so moving on.

Bulletproof coffee is known to be quite the pick me up if you're not having carbs for breakfast and are otherwise starving, just use the packet product or melt butter (milk has too many carbs to waste, plus you've gotta try to get calories in any way you can, just rolling up balls of butter with artificial sweetener and eating them straight is also common) in to a cup using hot water, add the fat supplement and the coffee powder and you'll be able to go to work just fine, despite a large energy deficit and some fun metabolic stresses. He believes art should have similar properties to this, in contrast to weed which he considers the inverse and therefore undesirable experience. He wants art to get you to work and energize (specifically in a way that upholds a bunch of his social values) and not chill the fuck out and maybe not partake in those values.

It's still stupid and a little esoteric, but also expresses something really shitty.

Tag yourself as this list of “bad art” features, according to a twitter fascist

[glassautomaton]

A less serious ask this time, more goofy.

Me and a couple of friends we're discussing what Iris would be like when she's high, and we kinda agreed she gets super giggly and then super stone faced, random spurts of crying and she refuses to explain why. (Maybe because she doesn't want to, maybe because she can't really explain why she's crying either.)

We've also agreed that Jackie is her handler and probably has to carry her between her arm and armpit to keep her from doing anything stupid. That or over her shoulder, or bridal style if she's feeling brave, point is, she's being carried around. LOL

Anyway, what do you think Iris is like when she's high?

We've also agreed that she would try and drink the bong water. 👍

Iris would indeed drink the bong water while Anne watched in disbelief, unable to bring herself to move looking at the funniest person she's ever met in her entire life.

She'd take the fattest fucking rip you've ever seen just because she isn't sure how anything works and end up wrecking her lungs. This would, of course, only come after Anne assures her that you can't overdose on the devil's lettuce and Jackie, with her actual biology degree, backs this up.

Iris is sort of a lightweight as well, so she'd probably just end up laying around in a place she decides is "well-defended" (whatever that means) and eat a slow, steady stream of pita chips or something along those lines. She'd get in her feelings a bunch but refuse to tell anyone what she's actually sad about until someone decides to put on a movie or something to placate her. She would then feel very vaguely lonely and longing but she wouldn't actually understand that because she hates people getting close to her so obviously she wouldn't be wanting that.

In short, moody yet subdued, and slightly hungry and nauseous. Drunk Iris is a different beast, however, and one I've actually considered writing in some capacity down the line. She'd complain about a headache, enter a goldilocks zone where she's really giggly and affectionate, then quickly exit that stage and begin vomiting violently. Once she wakes up the following morning she demands that all physical evidence of the night before be destroyed and all parties involved sign binding NDAs.

I've acutally got a bit of a scene from this on my phone somewhere, as when I'm in bed and need to type something down before I forget I just do it on my phone rather than my sandbox, the latter of which is technically public. I've got dialogue between Iris and Anne that could kill a fully-grown elephant on there.

[theredcuyo]

Few skephalo stuff

1 From a song

Bad to the egg: I didn't wanted to love you, and you taught me to hate you!

Bad, thinking on skeppy on the lava:... All the kisses I ever imagined...

Skeppy, in the island: Go back to where I watch them grow...

_

This literally comes from a song! Is the literal translation of "Saturno" a Spanish song! The whole song kinda fits but I'm not in time to write the whole thing

But I may do an animatic or comic out of it! Feel free to use it anyways

2 Divorce

Skeppy:/Sends a photo of food

Bad: Oh, that looks tasty!

Where are u?

Skeppy: I'm hanging out with velvet and vurb, at velvet's house

Bad: I was literally so close, I was helping Ant, why didn't you invite me?!

Skeppy: Why should I do that

Bad:...

Divorce!

_

This is based of something that literally happened with my parents and couldn't help but do it

3 Bad's a Demon

Bad is indeed, a demon, or maybe even the "god" of the demons?, who knows, whoever, he's definitely not human and his lack of knowledge in human stuff seems to prove it pretty well even if he tries to deny it, the man doesn't even know how to use a radio!

Bad is not really dumb tho, he just thinks like a demon, and demons intelligence is directed towards being mischievous and tricksters, it is towards evilness, and Bad, wanting to be actually kind, ends up being the kindest of the demons, but a questionable kind person for everyone else

Also, demons don't need technology, they have magic, why would they want to build complex systems when they can easily do anything with their powers?

_

This came from Bad's latest stream, yeah, I'm taking about the lore stream of foolish being an alien, because obviously a cat that takes devil lettuce and a demon married to a diamond block can tell who's not a human

[yooniesim]

Hi! I know all your messages are about paywalls rn lol but I was wondering what’s the most fun you’ve had playing the sims? Right now I’m playing as a teen that went to school and fell in love with jeb from eco lifestyle, she got pregnant but they were both happy about it and had twin girls. They got married at prom while she was pregnant and now they’ve moved into their own place after jeb surprised her by taking out a loan since my sim and her mum hate each other. Jeb dropped out of school to support his family but couldn’t make enough money to support them and pay back the loan so he left in the middle of the night to the werewolves world where he was hoping to find work but ended up in a fight with Greg and is now a werewolf ���� it’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time although I’m obsessively saving my game since I keep getting the unable to save bug!

oh my god. I'm invested in this story now anon 😭 I need to know what happens next! Does Jeb ever come back to his family and support them??? Does your sim find a new partner instead? The drama!!! 😩

For me, I haven't played the sims legit in a while. But I used to play a legacy, and my gen 2 was wild lol. Starring Rabbitfriend "Bunny" Woodruff who was a famous comedian, married Dirk Dreamer, grew much of the devil's lettuce (the paparazzi often took pics of her backyard lol) and raised three kids. Also had a crazy housewives sex club. Lmfao. She's indeed an icon, in gen 3 her kids are living with their grandparents and I can only imagine what her and Dirk must be getting up to 🤣

[serendipityunho]

Lick

× genre: smut, everyone is filthy rich × pairing: San x Reader (fem.) × word count: 4.7k × warnings: explicit language, mentions of alcohol, smoking, fingering, oral, clit play, dirty talk, explicit sex, marijuana use

× synopsis:The only excitement at this boring extravagant party was the taste of a random kid’s lips on yours mixed with the devil’s lettuce, who happens to be the son of the CEO your parents partnered with. It couldn’t get any better than that. 

☁️: i don’t smoke weed, but that shit is lowkey hot, especially when you end up shot-gunning with a slicked-back-blonde-hair san.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You never knew what the point of holding such extravagant parties was. Did they really donate proceeds to charity, or was that another cold lie your parents fed the guests apart from the disgusting over-priced cheese and caviar? 

It was nights like these where you wanted nothing but to go home and empty the fridge or possibly passed out face flat onto a lawn at some random frat party you found yourself in. Anything would be better than standing in feet-aching heels at a party with no one to talk to. 

If you earnt a dollar for every time you welcomed guests and greeted them with your million dollar realistic fake smile, you’d become a billionaire, rich enough to buy your parent’s company and probably two others. Your cheeks were aching just as much as your feet with the number of times you had to smile through the pain of talking to business people about their stupid taxes and so on. 

“You might want to slow down on the tarts, dear, there are guests you know” It wasn’t like anybody bothered to get their hands crumby with the tarts, so why not do it for them?

“That’s your fault for inviting so many people, mother” You didn’t even need to take a glance at her to know she rolled her eyes into another dimension at your snarky comment. 

“Behave” To be completely honest, it was quite satisfying seeing your mother fed up with you. It could possibly teach her a thing or two. It was honestly the least you could do after living a life many wished for. If only they knew the consequences of actually living it. 

It felt like the walls were closing in with every passing second you stayed inside, surrounded by countless bodies that wanted nothing to talk about money and other materialistic desires. You felt disgusted with every fibre of your body as you take a swift glance at your parents, putting on a show with the same plastic smiles as their snake tongues lure the interests of tycoons.

The longer you stayed here, the more you wanted to throw up from basking in overly expensive perfume and cologne. Your cheeks were on the verge of seizing from the smiles, it was exhausting.

It felt even more suffocating, literally, as you squeeze passed guests and avoiding the urge to knock over the sparkling champagne glass in their hands. The balcony seemed to be the only place of refuge. Sliding the glass door, you stepped outside into the midst of breezy night with slight shivers travelling up your body.

You felt like you can breathe again after escaping out into the open. The chatters and laughs muffled as you slide the glass door closed again, turning your back on the faces to bask in the chilly air with nothing but a loose satin dress short enough to hide the case of cigarettes strapped to your thigh. 

The balcony was long, it wrapped around one entire side and halfway around the other. It got colder as you dipped around the corner, perfect and away from prying eyes. You hiked up your dress slightly, taking the case of cigarettes strapped to your thigh before holding it between your lips. 

If your parents ever found out you were one of those tobacco users, they’d blame you for tarnishing their reputation with ridiculously absurd malicious headlines, ‘Heiress of Multimillion-Dollar Company or a Tobacco Addict?’ ‘The Irony of a Smoker Running A Biomedical Company’.  It was as if it were the apocalypse if they’d ever catch you, not that you would let them.

“Those things kill you fast, you know?” You were in the middle of a drag of your cigarette before a voice jolted you up from your spot, making you spin around to a man leaning against the wall.

“I’m counting on it” You were only joking of course.

“So what’s a pretty girl like you doing out here smoking?” The man kicked himself off the wall before stepping into the more lit area of the balcony.

“You can’t call me pretty if you don’t know me” Your lips kissed the cigarette again, blowing smoke between your lips as you stared out into the city from the rails of your penthouse balcony. 

“What if I do know you?” His features were sharp under the dim lighting, cheekbones stood out very prominently as his feline eyes left your jaw dropped. He was truly astonishing.

“I don’t seem to know who you are” You turned to face him, getting a better observation at his god-like features as you held the cigarette over the railing.

“I’m Choi San” Now that was a name that had rung a few rusty bells in your head.

“Don’t tell me you’re the Choi San of-” 

“Choi Biomedical Technologies? Yes, I’m that Choi San”

Almost half of all hospitals had the equipment and resources produced by San’s father in use day and night. Fortunately enough, the company had decided to pair with your parent’s medical research and company. 

“Funny enough, I don’t see your face around often” 

“It’s pointless to just show my face at a party where I don’t have fun” San shoved his hands in the pockets of his pants, shuffling a bit in his spot before finally turning his face towards you. 

Now you could clearly see everything, and my, he was indeed a masterpiece. You were amazed at how he managed to slick back his hair without the look of heavy hair products glistening under the light. 

“So what made you show up to this one?” If there was any way possible that excused you from attending these parties, you’d take it in a heartbeat. 

“To see what the hype was all about, my father’s tried setting me up with many girls when I don’t go. So I figured if I showed up just once, he’d finally leave me alone” 

“And did he?”

“Why do you think I’m out here?” San smirked as he ran his hand through his hair, staring down at your cigarette.

“Sounds pitiful” You bring your hand up, holding the slow killer against your lips before puffing one out into the air.

“May I?” San nodded towards the cigarette, eyes drooping at the sight of it between your lips.

“You don’t spike me as a smoker” You handed the stick over to him, watching him take a drag before smoke escapes pass his lips. 

“You’d be surprised about other things” San grimaced at the cigarette before handing it back to you and looking out into the city.

“Like what?” Now you were genuinely curious.

A smirk crawled up San’s face as he faced you again, eyeing you with curious eyes before licking his teeth. You could tell he was trying to avoid your question, but it just worked your curiosity even more.

“What are you doing out here?” You scoffed at San’s diversion, turning around to rest your forearms against the rails. 

“For a smoke obviously, and my feet hurt from walking around” You shook off the ash from the cigarette, hesitantly bringing the nearly finished stick up to your lips once again.

“You always smoke at parties?”  

“Only when I have to”

“What made you tonight?” 

“Look at that and tell me you don’t want to get out of there” San didn’t have to look to know what you were referring to. In fact, he felt exactly the same.

“You know, I have something better than this,” San plucked the cigarette out from your lips and threw it off the balcony before reaching in his jacket, pulling out a small clear bag of what seemed to look like chopped up parsley “, that would relax you”.

“What the fuck?” Your eyes widen as you finally realise what was in front of you. This guy really just stored weed in his jacket like it was nothing. 

“What? Have you never tried?” You shook your head, eyeing the green flakes sitting in its little ziplock bag. 

“I never knew where to get it-”

“Wow, look at that!” You could’ve sworn your head was about to rip right off your neck from how fast you swerved behind.

Silhouettes of guests fill the floor as a few flooded out into the balcony, making your heart race as you assured San to put the bag back in his jacket. Thankfully, the two of you were around the corner which let you dodge a bullet from noisy guests.

“Shit” As much as you wanted to smoke whatever San offered, it was too risky out here even behind the unlit corner of your balcony.

“I know a place where we can-”

“No, I can’t leave the building, they won’t let me” Your parents have had enough of you to strict you from leaving the party, mainly to keep a close eye on you and prevent anything that would blacken their name.

“Does your bathroom have a big window?” San fixed his jacket before stepping aside, walking around the corner with you following behind.

“Yeah, but it’ll look suspicious if we go upstairs together” You immediately spot your parents the moment you stepped back inside, no surprise they were buttering up more guests.

“The more you think about it, the more it’ll look suspicious” Technically, it wasn’t that hard staying out of your parent’s vision as they chattered away with more people and sipping on their champagne. 

San stayed behind you as you quickly trod up the stairs to the second level, quietness flushing over you as the party stayed below. San appeared not long after, inspecting the new surrounding as you opened the door to your bathroom. 

The marble glistened the moment you flicked on the lights, most of which doesn’t seem to phase San one bit. The door locked behind you as you unlatched the window, letting the cold air in as well as making it an escape for your smoke.

“What kind of shower is that?” San snickered. You honestly have no clue either.

“I don’t know, we don’t use this bathroom” You always questioned why your mother had such a desire for homes with more than enough rooms, it was pointless really.

“So your family’s like that too huh?” San pulled out the little bag again, placing it on to the marble counter before reaching for something else. 

“Like what?” You stared at yourself in the mirror, fixing your hair as you patted smudged mascara underneath your eyes.

“Money this, money that?” Your eyes turned down to San, packing the green flakes into a thin piece of paper. 

“It’s sickening” You were just glad you managed to escape the trap of falling into the mindset of materialistic wealth and whatnot.

“It’s surprising to finally find someone like me” 

“Like you? So you’re telling me all those campaigns and charities are bullshit too?” San’s father always loved taking every chance he got to host events beneficial to his company.

“Blatant lie, every single one of them” San sounded embarrassed, ashamed of his family’s immoral choices.

You almost feel sorry for him, but yet again, your family was exactly like that too. You couldn’t judge him one bit, not that you would anyways. Nowadays, you were always met with rich privileged dickheads boasting about which Rolex they bought with their ‘daddy’s’ black card.

“Lick” San brought the rolled stick up to your lips as you sat on the counter, waiting for you to the seal it up for him.

His eyes locked onto yours as he stood in front of you. Without taking yours off his, you stick your tongue out, swiping across the thin paper before letting San close off the stick.

“Where’d you buy it?” If you didn’t have eyes watching you 24/7, you’d be at some random back alley buying as much devil lettuce as you want and possibly smoking it at some random back alley. 

San, without a doubt, would have security with him all the time. The fact that he managed to obtain weed was questioning.

“A friend of mine sells it from his gym” San tapped your lip with the stick before flicking the lid off of his Zippo lighter, letting the flame spark as it flickered close to the end of the stick.

“Smart” The paper burnt black as it shrivelled from the flame. San set the lighter down onto the counter, packing away the contents of your little construction before taking off his suit jacket. You could’ve sworn his shirt was about to unbutton, not that you were complaining.

“If you ever need, look for Jongho down at the gym besides the 7/11 parking lot, call for Wooyoung if he isn’t there” 

“There’s a lot of 7/11′s” You took a hit of the stick, head instantly feeling lighter as your eyes drooped a bit.

“There’s only one 7/11 with a parking lot downtown with a gym next to it” 

Your feet dangled off the ground, heels clanking against the counter as you let your sore feet take a break from walking on tiptoes all night. San hung his jacket on the hook by the door, rolling up his sleeves up to his forearms as he nodded towards the stick. Boy, those arms were nice.

The hit did a lot more than expected, it was worth the wait, and the risk. You take the stick from your lips, pressing it against San’s as you take the strap on your thigh off with the cigarette case on it.

“You should quit while you can” San muffled, blowing the smoke towards the window as he leaned against the counter with his hands either side of you, still keeping a distance between his body and yours. You honestly wish he was closer though.

“I already know it’s going to be hard” You almost instantly regretted buying your first pack of cigarettes, if you knew what withdrawals were at the time, you would’ve never had pressed that toxic stick against your lips.

“It’s better than ending up black lungs” San raised his brows, letting you take the stick from his lips for another hit.

“I’m gonna need more of these if I start quitting” 

“You can keep the ones I brought tonight” You gulped at the closing distance between you and San, the dangling chain around his neck hitting against his chest every time he moved wasn’t making it any easier to stay reserved.

“I’ll pay you back”

“Don’t bother. Consider it a gift” 

“A gift for what?”

“Being decent I guess” You were so tempted to blow this smoke into his face.

“You’re decent too I guess” More than decent actually, but you were too scared to say that. After all, you only met him ten minutes ago. 

Your head felt lighter than the clouds, it was everything better than your average smoke. Now you were definitely going to attempt quitting.

“How is it?” San smiled softly, droopy-eyed as he slumped forward towards you with arms caging you in.

“This shit is amazing” You almost choke while pulling the stick from your lips, making San chuckle in such a deep but mesmerising voice, faintly showing off his dimple you didn’t know he had.

“This is probably the most fun I’ve had at these parties” San chuckled, tilting his head to the side as you press the stick back onto his soft lips once again.

“I have you to thank for that” Your heart was on the verge of jumping out of your chest as you stared at San’s devilish smirk. There was that hint of cockiness in him that had attracted you to grown to like him.

“I guess you could call it fate” San flickered back and forth between your eyes, blowing smoke out from the side of his mouth before giving the stick back to you.

“You know what would be more fun?” You couldn’t really stop yourself from saying anything further. But, you really wanted to just pop that button on his shirt that’s been on the brink of slipping out of its hold.

“Don’t say you have more drugs up your dress”

“Kiss me” You said nice and slowly enough for San to comprehend, you couldn’t help but bite down on your lip at your sudden boost of confidence, giggling at San’s bewildered face.

“You know, that would be fun” San smirked, grabbing a quick hit before locking his lips onto yours, smoke plummeting into your mouth as your fingers tangle in his hair with his body pushing between your legs.

“Oh yeah, this is so much better” Your arms slung around his neck as you inched yourself closer to the edge of the counter, pressing your cunt against the bulge in his pants as your legs cage him against you with his arms doing the same to you.

“I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you outside” San moaned against your lips as he subconsciously pushed his hips forward, grinding against your sopping wet cunt.

“Then why didn’t you?” Your forehead rests against San’s with a hand tangled his hair as the other slides down his chest, hooking your finger onto his chain.

“I thought you were one of those bimbos who say ‘daddy’ too much” It was quite insulting to know you’d given off those vibes, but who could blame you for wanting to look your best?

“I would’ve figured those were your type of girls” Your lips brush over San’s once again before softly biting it.

“Guess we’re both wrong” San’s hands cupped the bottom of your thighs, smoothing over your skin as he plants a wet kiss on your lips before trailing them down your jaw, making you throw your head back as his lips graze over your sensitive skin, plastering rough kisses all over as you squirmed in pleasure against his hold.

You pushed your hips further, almost falling off the counter if it wasn’t for San’s body pushing against you and his hard crotch grinding against your soaked pussy. San’s hand slid up and down your leg before hiking under your dress, scrunching the satin material up to your waist as you squeezed his forearm.

You could feel your arousal soaking every inch of your panties as San’s hand runs across the skin of your waist, thumb rubbing the bottom of your bralette as you pushed his head closer to yours for another sopping kiss. A low groan from the back of his throat only made your head lighter in lust as you slowly pop the buttons off his shirt.

Looking back, you never thought you’d end up in the bathroom making out high with a semi-stranger. But, it was better than floating in a pool of rich narcissistic fucks. 

San’s chest frees as you rip open his shirt, letting him drop it to the ground as your fingers trace over the lining of his defined abs. Your nipples harden as San’s fingers slip under your bralette, cupping your breast in one hand as your nipple rolls between his fingers.

A wet stain was probably evident against San’s crotch area from your subconscious grinding. It was nothing a blow dryer couldn’t fix.

You could feel his cock throbbing under his pants against your pussy. A hand glides down from his abs and down to the belt of his pants, fumbling with it before scrunching his pants down to his thighs along with his boxers, freeing his pulsating cock against your thigh. 

San’s tongue swiped across your bottom lip as he drove his hand down your thigh, inching his thumb towards your clothed clit and rubbing it slowly as your wetness soaked through your panties. Your fingers remain tangled in his hair as the other hand grasped his cock firmly, thumb swiping over his slit before pumping slowly.

“Fuck” San groaned against your lips, cock twitching in your hold as you smear his precum over his reddened tip. 

You clenched around nothing as San dragged your panties down to the ground, letting your bare ass sit on the cold marble counter as his thumb circled at your clit. Your legs ache from staying in the air with nowhere to rest upon other than San’s waist. 

“Oh my god” A breathy moan escapes from your lips as San presses his fingers against your folds, coating them in your juices as he slides them up and down before pushing them into your hole.

“I want you so bad- fuck” San pumped two fingers in and out of you with your juices glistening on his fingers. 

“Nothing’s stopping you” You cupped his face, shooting an assuring look before planting a sloppy wet kiss on his lips before he kissed down your neck again, moving much faster down to your collarbone and just the top of your breasts before lowering his body.

San’s fingers were still buried deep in you, pumping steadily as his face reached down to your thighs, smothering the inside with his soft kisses before moving over to your clit. It throbbed intensely as San let his tongue press flat against it before circling it around.

You gripped San’s hair tightly, legs quivering on San’s shoulders as he lapped at your pussy, dragging his fingers in and out of your tight hole. Thankfully, the chatter down below was loud enough for your sinful doings to be covered up. 

“Right there- oh fuck” San’s tongue flicked rapidly against your clit before sliding it up and down your slit with his thumb now circling around your clit and hands flat against your stomach, holding your dress up.

“Mhm” It was a soft moan against your core that got you going crazy. You needed more than just his tongue, you needed him.

You cupped the side of San’s head with both hands before pulling him back up to your lips, letting the tip of his cock twitch at your entrance, slipping with your juices and his precum. San hooked an arm around your back, hugging your close as he kissed you hungrily, tongue lapping everywhere with yours.

“Look in that drawer” San pulled back, tilting his head to see which one you were talking about before gripping the knob and pulling it out.

“I thought you said no one uses this bathroom” A pack of condoms appeared from below as San rips the box open, pulling one out and ripping it with his teeth before spitting the foil to the side. 

“That’s exactly why I stored them there” You grabbed latex, rolling it down his cock as he threw his head back with a groan.

“Mhmmfuck” Your mouth hanged wide at the stretch of San’s dick sliding into you, taking a few breaths before letting him move. 

“Fucking christ, so tight” San groaned against your neck before pecking it, slowly thrusting his hips into you as your legs lazily wrap around his waist.

You weren’t sure if you were able to keep your moans to a minimum when San was breathing down your neck like this and hips rolling into you smoothly. God hope the commotion below was loud enough to save you.

San rolled his hips, burying his cock deep in you as he moved slowly. Your head pounded like crazy his hands roamed every inch of your body, squeezing everywhere he could, literally, get his hands on.

The pleasure immediately flooded your head as San quickened his pace, pumping waves of pleasure throughout your body with each thrust. Your forehead rests against his as your lips hover over San’s, brushing ever so lightly as they part.

“Ohmygod yesyes” The sound of skin slapping against skin bounced off the walls as San grunted loudly, tensing his abs with each hard thrust.

Your moans were almost high-pitched as San knocked the air out of your lungs, gripping on to your thighs for dear life as your hands travelled up and down from his chest to his toned abs.

“You like that? Hm?” A smirk crawled its way onto his face as he gazed at you with hooded eyes, still fucking the daylights out of you as your breasts bounced in their place.

“Yes, oh my god- fuck yesnnghaa” You absolutely love the way San’s hips rolled against yours, it was like riding a rollercoaster to heaven and you weren’t even riding anything.

“You like the way I fuck this perfect little cunt of yours?” San grunted through a clenched jaw, slamming his hips against yours, making you gasp wildly for air.

“Fuckfuckyes- yes!” Your hand slapped behind San’s neck as he rutted into you like no tomorrow, sending your head to a cloud of nothingness except lust and pleasure. 

“Mhmffuck you’re so perfect” San’s lips attacked yours once again, you could care less about the slobbering mess, it was actually kind of hot. 

San held hugged you close as your legs gave him no chance of withdrawal as his dick continuously hits the spot of limitless pleasure, sending your breath straight out the window. A whine falls from your parted lips as your face scrunches in pleasure with brows furrowed deeply as your foreheads touch.

“S-So close- mmphh” Your legs quivered with every passing second, skin becoming sensitive with every touch as San cherished your body against his.

San quicked his thrusts, literally knocking you back further as he plunges his hips harder against yours. A bundle of pleasure in the pit of your stomach starts to go wild, seizing with every thrust made to reach the spot inside you that you could never reach. 

Your walls clench tightly around his cock like you were holding on for dear life, slamming your lips against San’s to muffle your sickly moans as he rammed into you. It was like floating in a utopia filled with nothing but euphoric bliss as your vision went blurry with San’s grunting against your ear.

“Oh fuck! Yes ohmygodddnngghh yesyes-” You gasped sharply, legs starting to quiver as your abdomen tensed from the sudden burst of pleasure ricocheting all around your body to flooding your brain. You could’ve sworn you went cross-eyed for a bit. 

“A little bit moremmph fuckk” It was only a matter of seconds before San rutted hard into you one last time before spewing his release into the latex, moaning wildly against your lips as he hugged you closer than before.

Your body subconsciously spazzed subtly as San slowly slid himself out from your hole, letting his cock twitch against your thigh as his forehead rests against yours. It was a comfortable silence that washed over the two of you, there was nothing but the sound of your desperate pants of deprived breath. 

It felt like everything had frozen at that moment when San’s eyes met yours, it was like you had just seen a thousand stars pooling in his eyes when he pecked your lip. 

You pulled back to get a better look, still accumulating your clear vision as San rolled off the latex without looking down, discarding it in the trash can beside you. A small bead of sweat lined the side of his face, making you pat it away with a tissue you pulled from the box behind you. 

“Your makeup’s ruined” San pulled up his boxers along with his pants, letting it hang at his hips as he leaned forward with his hands rested against the edge of the counter. 

“Not like I’m going anywhere afterwards” You gently dabbed San’s sweat away before throwing the tissue into the trash, leaning back on your arms with San still inches away from your face.

“I can try to sneak you out” San whispered, gazing deeply into your eyes as you did the same.

“Now why would you want to do that?” 

“To have proper fun” San pushed himself off the counter, reaching down for your panties that had been plastered onto the floor just ages ago before carefully sliding them back up your leg and holding your ass in the process, caressing it gently.

“We just had our fun” You wrap your arms around his neck, pressing your chest against his naked one as you hopped off the counter.

“I have a feeling we’ll be seeing each other quite often” 

“I’m actually counting on it” You traced your finger along the outline of his pecks before landing a soft kiss on his lips one last time.

“Music to my ears”

“Hm?”

“Party’s over, sweetheart”

_

Copyright © 2020 by serendipityunho      All Rights Reserved

[scandeniall]

no face no case

pairing suna x reader

summary/warnings: yeah suna is a PRO at the no face no case type shit. 18+ talks about sex, the devils lettuce (for like 2 seconds and uses the word “maybe” this was also written before that weird hyperfixation with him being a stoner which i have thoughts of annoyance towards but w/e), hes annoying

note: this was supposed to be a short drabble but ended up being over 1k words. brevity is not my strong suit.

update: i did bf texts based off this

Suna is a pro at no face no case. Like this man will hide your relationship for months (if you’re ok bc he’s not a dick). Part of it is because he’d had shitty experiences in relationships before and the other part is just bc as a pro player he didn’t need ppl in his private life. It’d be somewhere between 8-10 months until your face is ever posted even on snap and even then the pic is mad blurry. But the caption would be something like “kinda hot or whatever” or “Alexa play nasty by DaBaby to where you literally have to force him to change the caption bc SIR”. He’d definitely go post that same pic with that caption on finsta and add like 🥵💦to it.

Anyways, he’s really good at the whole deal. Like during the time before you two were a couple and kinda just hanging and dating around casually he’d talk about other people he found hot with his bros and maybe go on the occasional failed date (it failed bc he didn’t even put in the effort to get to know the person. Just “uh uh” “yeah that’s cool or whatever” and he’s super dry with it)

Anyways once you’re actually a couple whenever someone would show him a picture of someone he thought was hot he’d just shrug like no comment. After practices they guys would be like “yo you wanna go get drinks or hop on the game,” and he’d just say he was busy. Anyways that same night on his priv story he’d post some black and white filtered video of him kissing up and down your neck. And it was obvious that this mystery person was straddling him too.

Washio swipes up like: 🤨

Komori: did you mean to post that

He just leaves it on read and goes back to enjoying his night. After it was obvious to everyone on his priv/finsta that he was indeed in a relationship his story almost always has a flick of his hand on your ass. No caption, just his hand gripping through your jeans/sweats/ his boxers you name it.

Suna might smoke on occasion. Only during the off season though bc he is not dumb now. (sometimes osamu comes through but you’re never around). Anyways he’s the type to have some led strip lights in his room lining the ceilings and whether you smoked or not he’d invite you over. The room is all hazy and it’s like damn bitch are you tryna hot box. Anyways during those nights he’s so high and is slightly less intentional with keeping your identity hidden. Thankfully the lights and smoked out room does a pretty good job for him. Bc he kinda just sets up his phone has you on his lap and just likes make out real nice and slow. (he accidentally posts a part of it while high. He thinks it’s on video but he recorded on Snapchat. Be thankful it snap only records so much before cutting off)

Other times y’all would just be lounging on the couch passing a joint back and forth and he’d be like “put your legs on my lap so I cant take a pic” after he gets it he pushes your legs off and puts his on you instead lol.

He likes just vibing in the house to music with him playing his game and you just doing you. He’s not paying any type of attention to you but whenever you get up to go get some food or to pee he’d post some shit like “my date really left me? Can’t trust anyone can you.” Will record certain parts in songs (it be the dumbest parts too) and be like “I dedicate this to the 1 who left me to eat”

He’s also SO annoying that his lock screen is a pic of you both. One you had taken with self timer. You’re sitting in his lap smiling and he’s kinda just looking at you like “wow I rly like you”. But anyways back to him being annoying— he has emojis covering both of your faces. The clown emoji to be exact. To go along with that sometimes he’d post more couple-y picks on his priv but again there’s an emoji. Once he even used the Snapchat paint feat to draw you on an outfit over the one he had and captioned “mine knows how to dress 🥵”

Whenever he did want to maybe post some cute pic without all the jokes it’d be something like you’re holding hands or if he fell asleep in your lap he’d post the pic of him in your lap and your hand is visible in his hair

Yeah he also never even mentions your name around his friends. It’s either some nickname like “loser” or he’s just like my s/o. His contact name for you is “im dating?” (Even once your identity isn’t a secret he doesn’t change it to your name it just kinda changes to “I’m engaged?” To “im married?”)

Ok so even once he posts that blurry pic on his public verified account all those months ago he doesn’t really do much more than that. Like folks want an HD pic of you and him? Yeah good luck. He’d occasionally post a ig story of y’all meal together if it was looking extra tasty but that’s about it. People would kinda forget he’s even in the relationship until like your anniversary and he STILL doesn’t feed into the mystery. He got you a gold chain with a charms of his initials. He’d post another dumb black and white filtered pic with his hand resting on the crook of your neck and his thumb near the letters with some caption like “365? That’s wild” at some point after that he’d actually post a real pic with you two bc while it was fun and cool for a while sometimes he does want to actually be a good bf and share some of the dumb shit you two do together (like the time he made a PowerPoint of all the reasons you should buy him a ps5. He recorded all your bored and unamused reactions too. “Because I’m hot and dick game kinda decent,” is not enough of a reason to drop $500+ on you sir esp because hes the type to sometimes just stop mid stroke like “whew yeah ima need you to top now” like the audacity)

[hell-is-a-teenage-girll]

I'm sorry today is a bad pain day ;-;

I'll tell a work story that may make you smile or laugh. Hopefully both.

Anyway, I work at a pizza shop, trust me I am sure S would critique the hell out of it but tis alright, I'm vibin.

So, my manager, huge stoner, definitely cheating on her bf in the parking lot, occasionally gets some of the devil's lettuce while at work, yet she is super kind and genuine. A lil crazy but it's fine bc she crocheted me a hat and it's super comfy. That is beside the point. I'm getting sidetracked. Now. She has a friend who is currently "the other woman" that this dude is cheating on his fiancee with. (Trust me I know how fucked all of this sounds it's quite the wild fuckin ride man). But anyway, bc her friend got stood up once again, she finally snapped and now she and my manager are planning to expose the dude to his fiancee. Which btw they left me alone at the store for 3 hours (I killed it tho trust me, the pizzas were immaculate). And they come back and my manager broke her glasses. How you ask?

She was laying down on the floor of her friend's car while they were in a parking lot of a shady motel trying to take pictures of the dude and his truck and she got so nervous he was gonna see her that she snapped her own glasses.

Anyway. I have more work stories similar to this. As yaknow, my manager tells me so many things and I just stand there like

👁👄👁

Oh! Also. I made a dick and pussy out of dough. I ate both and lemme tell ya, that is the only dick I will ever ever have near my mouth. Yaknow besides straps.

:) hope this all made you smile a little bit

M.s.

I also worked at a pizza shop, for like about 5years But I didn't make pizza's, I mostly managed everything else haha

Hahaha I love it, women are sure something haha 😂😂

This story was indeed wild from start to finish.

And I mean about S. yes she would 😂 she can be critical of food things but if they taste good she'll also say so haha

And hehehe, with me no dick comes near my mouth, but maybe a pizza one would be okay 🤔🤔

Thank you for this story 😘😘

[glass-crayon]

Finally, a sequel: Me, an Orthodox Jew with 12+ years of Day School Education and a healthy sense of humor, explains the Haggadah

Kadesh: depending on whether it’s the first night or the second night, you’re either super hyped or thinking “Please god let this one not last till 1 am”. You drink your first cup of wine (or grape juice if you’re a lil wimp- actually who am I to talk I get drunk on Bartenurah) and get a healthy level of tipsy. 

Urchatz: The first sign that tonight is not, indeed, like all other nights. You feel like a king/queen when you get your mom to wash your hands for you, because yasss, peasants. Clean my hands. I should not have to pick up this shmucky cup by myself, that is below me.

Karpas: Now, at this time of night I am, let me tell you, STARVING. I think this step was invented sorely to torment us, because I can survive without eating anything for hours with no problem, but as soon as you open those floodgates by letting in a tiny piece of slightly salty potato, lemme tell you, it is torture. But it is a mitzvah I guess so whatever. ooh also the background behind this one is fun- why do we do it? So the children will ask! What a Jewish answer. I love it.

Maggid: This step’s length solely depends on whether you live alone and can speed read Hebrew on your own, or you live in a house with lots of children who all a) have a dvar torah on every phrase and b) need to be constantly entertained. If you’re lucky like me, you get both!!! This step features-

extremely loud, hyper children who suddenly get stage fright and hold up the seder for 10 minutes while you try to coerce them into mumbling the mah nishtana

One of my favorite passages, about Rabbi Eliezer ben azaryah from the talmud who woke up one morning to find out that BAM he looked like a 70 year old man (with beard to match!) because he was extremely well educated. There is something utterly hilarous about a Rabbi going ful Fred and George in the goblet of fire with no warning whatsoever.

The whole sons thing, which is where I personally think JK Rowling got the Harry Potter houses. Don’t believe me? Watch: 

Chacham: Ravenclaw

Rasha: Slytherin

Tam: Has to be Gryffindor. Theyre so goddarn stupid

SheEino Yodea Lishol: Hufflepuff- i have an immense hatred for Hufflepuff so here it is. You’re all babies who don’t even merit to understand why you went out of Egypt. bam roasted.

Vayehi SheAmda: I cannot get through this without invariably thinking of that one Mark Twain passage. GO JEWS!!

Then, we enter a section of maggid I like to call: We just said this passuk but now let’s be rashi and go into detail on every word. Need I say more?

Now, let’s talk about how funny the concept of spilling out a little bit of wine is for every plague. First of all, where the heck does it come from. Why? It makes no sense. Who looked around the table and thought the way to pay tribute to the miraculous plagues was to dip your grimy finger that’s been flipping through pages of a 20 year old hagaddah and drop it onto a plate? I just wanna talk.

And what about that whole section afterwards that’s basically just RABBI SHOWDOWN. Oh you think you know how many plagues there were? did you count the ones at the sea? What about accounting for the finger instead of the hand? Idiots.

K now onto Dayenu. This whole thing is also ridiculous because some of the stanzas don’t even make sense. It would have been enough to leave you by the sea but not split it? Um no then you would be attacked by the Egyptians. And splitting it but not leading you through it on dry land? helloooooo this is ancient times in the desert. They don’t know how to swim. Extra props to Nachshon now that I’m thinking about it because as far as he knew, he just drowned himself.

andddd finally maggid concludes with the second cup! Just so you can get a lil bit full before giving yourself major matzah constipation.

Rachtzah: Normal hand washing with a bracha but with that nice princely element of not having to pick up the cup yourself again.

Motzi/Matzah: Time to take that empty stomach and stuff it with burnt, crumbly and messy cardboard! This one sucks because it’s like, oh, only an egg’s worth? No problem! (This step is exacerbated by the fact that you gotta stuff it in your mouth in 2 minutes like it’s the end of the world- that’s why super religious guys full on chipmunk their pieces.) AND THEN YOU FIND OUT THAT’S IN WEIGHT AND YOU HAVE TO EAT A FULL SHEET OF PAPERS WORTH. and all of the sudden it’s a freaking olympics race to consume that against the ticking clocks.

Maror: Oh, you’re full? Too bad! Have some bitter lettuce (or, if you have a truly psycho family, horseradish. I pray for yall). You don’t even taste the charoses. It’s disgraceful

Korech: What’s that? You really can’t eat anymore? Time for the worst sandwich you’ll have all year! Consisting of this is definitely not bread and more bitter lettuce! (Seriously tho, this would have slapped in the times of the temple when there was lamb in the middle.)

The backstory behind this step is also hilarious. Everyone agreed you had to eat Pesach, matzah, and maror seperate except for renowned sage hillel, who thought you had to eat it in a sandwich. He was clearly wrong, but everyone just went “whatever, we’ll do both I guess, for your honor”. Freaking awesome- just imagine being so famous that people do stuff even though youre wrong.

Shulchan Orech: THE MEAL AT LONG LAST.

Tzafun: Oh now you really can’t take another bite? Have another half-sheet of papers worth of matzah that youve gotta compete against the clock for again. But no! Not so fast! First you have to find it. :) We love the rabbis! This step is another excuse for spoiled children who are somehow still awake at 12 am to demand presents.

Barech: Ya bentch. Not much to it. 

BUT, at the end you do the absolutely wonderful paragraph of shfoch chamatcha with your third cup of wine. What is that, you ask? Well, it translates to an extremely hostile call to god to annihilate the other nations, which you have to say with your front door open. Now, my family takes this a step further, because we’re psychopaths. We full out yell it on our porch for all of our non Jewish neighbors to hear, and be undoubtedly terrified. This year cuz of quarantine absolutely nobody was outside, so when my brother yelled it, you could hear it echoing from hundreds of feet away across the street. It was SPLENDID and we fully thought wed be arrested.

Third cup- all alcohol is disgusting and I hate life.

Hallel: Pretty standard, until you get up to what is usually the last bracha and find out nope they put in an extra 600 word paragraph as a treat! Did I mention I love the rabbis? What sadistic monsters thought this up?

And don’t forget the fourth cup so you can become sufficiently tired of grape juice that’s been sitting out for 4 hours!

Nirtzah: I can see the finish line. Now, my family has more fun traditions including saying the first long stanza (may it be “It came to pass at midnight” or “this is the feast of passover”) in spooky voices to spice stuff up because we all TIRED. 

Then, we enter a stage called I speed read everything for my family until we get up to who knows one, another favorite pesach tradition. Here, you have to say your stanza in one breath. It’s always good, especially when my brother gets 13 2 nights in a row and we all get to watch him insist he can get it for 5 minutes straight of failed takes. 

How bizzare is chad gadya also? We decide to end the seder with a horrific parable of everyone dying except for god who reigns supreme? Who made that one up?

And thus concludes the seder, where youre dead tired before you remember that you still have to clean up the table and surrounding areas, which by now are coated in a thiccccc layer of matzah crumbs because that stuff is THE DEVIL.