#the confusion and powerlessness he wanted me to feel are now his reality 24/7

[myfatherwasapredator]

Tfw you’re now the power of attorney over your father who has abused his power over you your whole life.

[abripikuunah]

Tomorrow In The Firework’s Edge (Part 1/?)

Authors: Abripikuuhnah and Matthew’s Poems 

Ratings: R-17 (Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, Future smut, Foul Language, Hints of Abuse.)

Words: 12,095

Notes: I want to give a huge shout out to my big brother, Kuya Mat, for helping me to edit, add scenes, and flesh out chapter even more to write this fic into reality . And to @xkanekitoukax​ , thank you for reading the story and criticizing it to help me improve the chapter and see which scenes I should draw (but not now I’m so sorry ToT) ! This fic won’t exist without out you guys!

My apologize to those people who waited for this fic.  In all honesty, this was supposed to be posted a month ago but due to my computer and environmental problems which I will explain in a later post, this fic was supposed to have a neatly as much a professional illustrations alongside with it,so it have to be postponed. Unfortunately, I hate to say it but I can’t finish these illustrations and currently can’t show them to you right now. I will explain the problem here (x)

But never worries, if I finally finish the scenes, I’ll post them here too, so check out for that!

I’m very sorry though, I don’t want people to keep waiting,and I have to post this so I could move on and proceed to the next chapter. 

If you liked this fic, Please reblog , comment and send me your reactions! It will truly help us motivated and be determined to create more polished chapter’s and fics in the future.

Hope you enjoy!

Ken Kaneki squinted his eyes and realized that it's already morning. He raised his wrist, looking at his watch just to find out that two more hours away until he reaches his destination. He yawns quietly and stretches his arms out a little bit, being mindful to the sleeping person beside him. His eyes peered through the window and looked at the view that has presented before his eyes. Just before the dreamless sleep, was the industrious city of Tokyo, now being replaced by the picturesque sight of the fields.  He could see grains, leaves and flowers that has been wrapped in thick snow of late December . A dark hue of blue with a light tint of red that has painted the colors of the sky helped him to be put into ease. Taking out his favorite book, he took out  his bookmarks and begins to read picking up where he left off. Morning dew has come... Warmth of his jacket. The smooth movements of the bus, soothing his mind in relaxing state, hearing the soft noise of the AC unit keeping down the passengers in a quiet slumber while dawn started to rise. A book in his hand where words convey a tragic story into life. Ah. A breather. Peace... A peace where he's free from all the horrible events is all he ever wanted, and he got it. It something that felt like surreal, like a fantasy, like a star that is a billion miles away from his grasp . Something that he imagined that is very imperceptible to occur in his life. An event he will always exaggerate about. But look at him now, he's sitting in a bus, wordlessly waiting for the vehicle to reach the town of Osaka. However, he noticed something when he can't concentrate on his book, statics darkens in his eyes, his mind into something else palpable . Of course... That thought will always stay as a dream. The word 'Peace' is just an obscenity to this pathetic world of his. In his world, his story flashes before his eyes .A furious mother, an uncompassionate Aunt, his best friend who is now in the hospital bed all because of his uselessness ,powerless , selfishness . A sea of blood and grief that was caused by no one else but himself. Brutal waves full of lugubrious screams forcefully drowning him into the depths of insanity. He was reminded that he will never have peace. His mind starts tormenting him with awful words again and again. He can't escape, he knows that very well. No matter how much he ran, or when his limbs are free from the shackles, his heart and soul wasn't ; Both are glued in guilt and depression. The pace of his breathing becomes quicker and quicker. He forcefully clamped both of his eyelids, trying to get himself together. 'It'll be over soon' a whisper reminded him. It'll be over soon. Soon... His mind repeats over and over again, reminding himself . And that 'Soon' will be tonight, where tonight will be the last night of his life. The last night he will witness this brutal world mocking him, and he'll take a leap to take himself and these demons disappear in the void with him . It'll be all over. How laughable. Pathetic is the best way to describe his whole being, his whole damn life . Just like the weather outside, despite the sunrise warming up the sky , everything in the ground, where dirt and garbages are left, the place where he belong is... So cold and so lonely. Leaning towards the window, Kaneki closes his eyes once more, resting his book atop of his lap and hopes to god he would never wake up and instead be drowned to death right now.

Unfortunately, the smell of coffee beans kicks him out of his stupor.

After he arrived at the bus station, Kaneki heard his stomach grumbling, telling him that it's time for breakfast. He doesn't really have a big appetite ,all he wanted to have was a warm cup of coffee and a light meal. Still, the overnight trip from the bus is enough to make him hungry. So he walks, exercising by strolling a bit in the streets of Osaka.

After a few minutes of walking through closed shops , he stops.

His nose picked up an aromatic smell of coffee . The strong daring scent lures him. His legs follows the fragrance like a compass until he found himself standing right infront of the cafe named 'Antieku'.

His eyes peers through the window finding a large amount of people inside, almost occupying the whole cafe. Well that's no surprise. Today is December 30, probably the last day where stores opens for the year. Most restaurants should be closed now; so having to eat in an aromatic cafe for breakfast doesn't sound inappreciable. Antique cups and platters are exhibited on top of the glass display.  Vintage books are tucked through the shelves where customers are allowed to borrow a book whenever they wished. Waiters and waitresses scrambled all over the place, serving each of their patrons with politeness.

Rudely his stomach grumbles again , insisting himself to just go enter in, which he did.

As he was inside the cafe, a waiter greeted him but was too busy to usher him.  So he looked around and thanked himself mentally for having the advantage of being a lone wolf. Right besides the window, he found a small table that's available for two persons where he can watch the busy roads outside the cafe. The spot is adequately nice , which he really liked.

After settling down and a waitress gave him quickly a menu, he fixed his gaze to the given glass next to him, presenting him a lively world,yet it lets him imagine the city without him. Ruthlessly, his thoughts starts digging deeper and deeper.

He saw children running around, only for Kaneki chuckles at the sight, glad that they're free and joyful unlike his pitiful childhood. Grown up folks are scattered around the town, readying themselves for the whole day, he got a bit envious at that thought, because here he is, sitting like a sore loser he was.

But that doesn't matter...

Kids are going to school, being free spirits like nothing's changed. Adults kept working 24/7, thrusting themselves in the world of society like nothing's changed. People just living, doing their daily life like nothing's changed. It's not like they care anyway. Even if he died, nothing will make a difference to any of these individuals fate.

Taking a deep breath , he shifted his sights at the cafe to revise his gloomy cogitation.

Other than the room being crowded, he understands why this place must be popular. From the smell of grinded coffee arouses him, a warm and welcoming ambiance greets every customers. To each aesthetic this place has picked to displayed more friendly atmosphere to ventilate the mood, to how each waiters and waitresses treated their customers with their warm smiles. Overall, in his account, this cafe is such a great place already . And something else where he can't lay a finger on. But of course, it doesn't matter.

Then the irritatingly loud growl was heard again , reminding him to get some food already . He picked up a menu to select his desired dish. After he ate pancakes for breakfast, Kaneki took out a novel and begins to read the book he's currently reading again, Phantasm of Death.  A story about a delusional protagonist where he is trapped inside of a dangerous island, where beings and creatures existed. A story where it experiments human physiology about their questionable desires , like the protagonist where he desires death yet also fears death. Drawn to the confusion between living and dying. It makes him deeply invested to the story. Just when he opened the book and located the page where he left off, he took out two thick papers he tucked between the pages he have left off. To some people, it looks like it just a piece of bookmarks that will eventually be thrown away.  But for Ken Kaneki, it's a whole other story. Somehow, seeing these ornaments make him feel resentful instead. Growing agitated while these these cruel thoughts worsened , his eyes profusely scanned the paragraphs that's been written in the book, forcefully trying to distract himself once more. The last thing he wanted was having a breakdown inside the cafe. He's almost done with this book anyway. Ten or more so chapters and it will be all complete.If he finishes it, there will be no distractions anymore , making the pain to come back , mocking him with a lot of miserable memories and sullen insinuations again. He knows that he doesn't have the willpower to withstand it. So ending his life once and for all is the solution he has to finish all the pain he's shouldering.   "Sir..." A voice surprises him despite it's gentle tone. "Excuse me, young man ."the voice asked gently again  ,Kaneki noticed a palm being offered in front of him. Still a bit startled, he looked up , learning the owner's voice is an old waiter. The waiter gave him a genuine reassuring smile."Would you like seconds sir?"  he continued, referring to the coffee. Understanding, Kaneki gave a quick nod, "Oh, please." The old man took Ken's cup before he refills it. When his beverage is served , all his coils vanished temporarily as he took the cup to his face and whiff on the aromatic fragrance , letting the steam tickle his skin. Kaneki thinks this is one of the best coffee he has tasted. To him coffee is just coffee and nothing more, but this cafe has given such a special blend to serve. The drink alone helps him put on ease .He doesn't mind spending his savings for the coffee, he would die and his money will just go to waste. So having a quality cup before death isn't a thought that bugged him at all. After a few more refills, the old man gave out a pleasant chuckled "You sure seem to like our coffee.You're new here sir?" "Oh yes, I just came here to visit" he simply answered, "and the coffee here is the best. I really loved it." he says, impetuously draws out a grin , rewarded with another kind smile "Well that's nice to hear. We're glad you enjoyed it." He places the cup back to the platter and goes to assist other customers. Several minutes has passed , Kaneki was about to reach the conclusion of the novel. He decided to stop there and saved it for later. His eyes cast at the wall clock and saw that it's almost noon. He requested for his bill and was bewildered that he only has to pay for the pancakes he ordered. He took his belongings and went up to the cashier ,telling them about the missing item in his receipt. "You don't have to worry about that young man." A familiar voice called. It was the same old waiter who have served him coffee,"On the house.". "Um.. Are you sure sir?" He blinks, " I asked for too many refills." He uttered awkwardly . "You really don't have to worry about it." he repeats ,"As the manager of the cafe, it's my pleasure to greet newcomers with our proud home blend coffee for free." He insisted. Well it will be rude the more he resisted. Nodding at the kind manager, he pays his food and went at the front door with the old man ushering him. "Please come again soon." The manager bids, opening the door for his patron. Unconsciously, Ken puts his index finger at his chin "I-I will." Then leaves the place. As he went out off the front door, someone noticed his presence , and with wide eyes followed his fading figure through the window. Voice came out as soft like a prayer. She whispered the name of someone she has wanted to see for a long time- "Kaneki...?" --------------------------------------------------------- First he went to a bathhouse to clean himself up. When the hot water touches his cold skin, his tense muscles starts to relax a little . He gives himself a moment to deliberate about what he would do next in the journey . Of course other than proceeding with his 'dying-in-style' plan here, he also wants to grant a promise that he and his best friend made when they were still little kids. Unintentionally, he recollected a past memory. It was a class trip in Hakodate while he was still in 6th grade. If he remembered correctly, he wasn't supposed to come along but Hide forced him and asked his mother.

"Ow!" The timid boy yelped in pain as he was being tackled by his friend in the sandbox on a breezy Saturday noon. "Ken Kaneki where the hell have you been!" His best friend, Hideyoshi Nagachika or Hide by what you call him, nudged the poor boy in front of him, while Kaneki ,gently rubbed his own stomach to soothe the pain , "I've been worried sick! You're rarely late or absent to class .I even went to your place and nobody is answering and-" he noticed the bandages in his arm. Hide pointed "Dude, just what the heck and where did you get this ?" He looks at him with concern. What happened yesterday? "I-I fell" he answer reassuringly , trying to mask the grief impression he almost attempted to display with his tone. He instinctively hides his arms from Hide's vision, yet failed miserably . He catches Hide's eyes that were observing his bruised limbs are disquieted with doubt.

"That's it?" He says in disbelief . Urgently, Kaneki moved his lips "The bruises are bad, I can't move a leg so... that's why I was taken to a nearby clinic haha." He answers him spontaneously by lying . Always lying , doing the usual routine he's bound to do. Just when can he stop hiding things from him? But just as he frequently used to fib at him, Hide never pushed on the subject, he just analyze his face and the bandages like a tricky quiz and move on, "Okay if that's what you say..." He took a toy shovel and starts digging in the sand, "Let me help you with what your building. " he said before giving a small toothy grin, much to Kaneki's relief. While they've continue establishing the sand castle with their hands , Kaneki decided to ask another topic, "S-so how was class yesterday?" He stutters. His friend blinks, and has stopped moving. The moment Kaneki asked that question seems to have triggered something in Hide's gears,"Dude..." his voice deepens. Kaneki stiffened . Did something bad happen yester- "We're going to have a trip in Hakodate!" Hide squeals , eyes shimmering. 'Oh.' Kaneki thinks, depleting his worries , 'So a school field trip then...' "That's nice..." he simply responded ,shifting Hide's bright expression into puzzled face . His wide eyes gazed at him like he killed his dog or something. Yet Kaneki chose to ignore him and keep doing his work. "'That's nice...'?" "Yeeah?" "Dude are you kidding me?! A trip to Hakodate will be would be super dope as hell! " he grabs Kaneki's shoulder, accidentally stepping on the castle they're currently working on ,making the boy protest about his now ruined creation until Hide decided to disrupt before his friend complain . "We could go up the trees , try out some food, sneak away during lights out, see the view above the mountain- That isn't 'Nice'." Hide scoffed ,then a light bulb appeared in his brain. "Kaneki you have to go this time! You never go to class trips!" He said in a demanding tone. He daydreams as the image of the thrilling adventures they could both do together vast in his mind, kept on shaking his best friend ,who's probably thinking the opposite . These are one of those times where Kaneki didn't really know how him and Hide are able to maintain their friendship despite their opposite demeanor. So he crack a smile with annoyance ,"You could just go without me. I would be okay here ,just gonna finish this book" he says, taking an item out of his bag and raised the literature he currently reads. But Hide still looks at him, discontent, as he roughly puts the book down from his vision then crosses his arms "That's the whole point! You have to take a break from your comfort zone and man up! You're always reading those boring books like an old man. No wonder why you can't pick up the ladies!" Ken pouts .Hide doesn't understand-or atleast, doesn't know. It's not that he could blame him , because he doesn't really need to know. A sharp pain throbs in his stomach that starts aching again. Reminding him about his mother, who left the abrasion in his belly. He squeezed his lids closed , thinks about yesterday's events and the future troubles that were already animating in his mind. The expenses she has to cover for the trip,her worries about what will happen to him if anything bad happens- He wouldn't even receive any concern from a mother, instead he'll receive to much frustration from her and she will beat him up , damaging his body even more. Besides, his mother have enough problems already. He can't be selfish and ask something trivial for his own happiness and let his mother bare the burden for it. But he can't also tell Hide that. Or else greater consequences will occur. He doesn't know what to do, nevertheless he found himself muttered "My mom won't let me." A few seconds slipped with the wind for Hide's eyes to soften "That's why?" He asked softly, Kaneki hesitantly nods in response, getting off guard, letting Hide have the opportunity to grab his sling bag and arm before he started to march off,dragging Kaneki along. "H-hey Hide what are you doing!?" Kaneki exclaimed, wanting to stop his best friend, yet he found his own legs following Hide's trail. "Don't worry about it man, I'll ask for her permission on your behalf. I'm sure she'll agree." Hide says with optimism , giving him a reassuring smile. "And I'm pretty sure you also want to come along don't you?" Of course he wants to, he wants to get away from the grim house , stay away from his mother even for a brief moment . But he can't, he just can't. Just as he said before , asking his mother for her blessing is a big 'No' in a snap of a finger, telling Hide his reasons why he refused only bring more burdensome at him and to her immediately. Trying a weak attempt to stop him, Kaneki quickly lied again "N-no." But it didn't seem to work as his best friend grimace. "Shut up you clearly wanted to." He continues, still walking ,passing house to house until they reached Ken's flat. "Just let me handle this. You'll come with us!" Defeated, he shuts his mouth and stared at his feet while Hide knocks the door and turns to wink at him. The poor boy looks at him in disbelief. Is Hide really that stubborn and a birdbrain just for the sake for Kaneki to come with him? Nothing better would come out even if his mother agree.This whole deal is impractical, really. The door opens and Ken flinches, making his current dismay fade in the breeze only to be replaced by a bigger one. He noticed a pair of slippers appeared. Swallowing, he mustered up the courage to look up from his mother's face only to find a confuse stare dawned on them. "What are you two boys doing here?" She asked ,shifting her gazes at the both of them. "Ma'am, I'm really sorry if we made an hassle but I want to ask if I could barrow Kaneki for uh... two to three days?" He raised his three fingers. At his surprise, his mother seems amused as she raised an eyebrow and leaned her back at the door frame "Why's that?" "Oh well , the school will have a trip in the Hakodate. I was thinking of bringing him along.Can he go with us? I promise to take full fledged responsibility if anything happens." He proposed, looking expectedly at her with a proud smile. But behind his outburst aura was his terrified friend. However his affright expression shifted. Her lips curved into a sad smile .His mother took a soft glare at him. Both of her eyes shimmered . Surprisingly , instead of flinching like the natural response, her son stared at her, confused. That wasn't a harsh glare that makes him tremble with fear or feel being threatened. Her smile is genuine, he could tell that it's not fake or an act.   It was a expression that's he rarely seen from her. Something that gives him an odd fuzzy feeling ,making him process to convince himself that it wasn't an illusion or a dream. But it's real. Then before he knew it, his mother told them her answer. ... Apparently, thanks to Hide's reckless actions, Kaneki is now walking with a sea of kids to reach the mountaintop. That night when Hide asked for her permission , his mother questioned him if he truly wants to go. He said yes and answered her sincerely and was surprised that she agreed and didn't give him another beating. Guilt was shimmering in her eyes along with her face and her tone. She apologized to him about the way she treated him yesterday .But it didn't matter to him anymore. His mind was clouded with thoughts that he will finally be far away form this house and from her beatings. She just told him not to worry about it and she'll find a way. She also told him not to misbehave and be careful out there. But even with her consent, he can't help but having mixed feelings about the whole thing. He felt so happy, but it worries him so much that it also scares him. The expenses, her well being, getting away from the future terrible days that's about to come- just everything crashes in his mind. Yet his mother just gave him a genuine smile , softly combing the fringe of his dark hair using her fingers and bid him good night to call it a day. The whole night, a small smile crept his face, overwhelmed as tears drips, staining his sheets until he was able to be tucked in a peaceful slumber underneath the starless night  . ... In Hakodate, one of the most infamous spots here is the view from the mountain, where you can sightsee the city. After a few more efforts, they finally reached the destination they've been waiting for... The summit of the mountain where they could see the whole town. Hide quickly ran to the deck to save himself and Kaneki the best spot even if the cheeky kid got scolded. "Woah." Kaneki said in awe as he saw the picturesque view his eyes delivered upon him. Lights flickering along the city that's covered in early November snow. Colors brightly glistening in the starry sky painted with the hue of oranges and blue. The whole sight catches his words away. While admiring the whole scenery, Kaneki was interrupted when an arm wrapped around his shoulder. "So what do you think?" Hide asked, smiling brightly at his friend . "It's great." He chimed , making Hide beamed ,"Told ya!" "T-thanks alot Hide." Kaneki moved his cold lips as he also cracked a smile, "Aw no problem bro. Told you need it," he ruffled his friend's hair ,"But seriously, your mom is really scary when I talked to her. I was quite a bit anxious for a sec hehe." he scratched his cheek, thinking about the time when he confronted his best friend's mother. "Hide... You really don't need to do that. I could've done it myself." he murmurs as he received a light punch in the shoulder, "You kidding me right? You seem to be much more a scardy cat than I am, and if I do let you do it, you wouldn't say a thing to her like you always do! So I have to take the initiative!" The boy sighs and decided to end this pointless conversation and continue to appreciate the landscape. The more they would talk about it, the more her remembered the worst things his mother committed , "Ah well, it already happened so might as well let go of the past." Kaneki mutters. Thankfully, Hide seems to get the idea and turn to face the bright town. For a few moment, the his friend took a deep breath, creating mist in his mouth and called his best friend, "Hey Kaneki." "Yeah?" "In the future..." His eyes scanned the whole city before he go even further "Do you want to travel all the cool places in Japan together?" He asked, leaning his arms at the fence as he continue to stare at the town. Ken follows, yet also pictures them going place by place, like the characters in fairy tales when they venture the world. Eating all kinds of food ,exploring cool new things. The thought seems like a better idea than staying inside the dark house everyday and everynight. Not to mention that he would love to see more attractions like these, where instead of looking at images behind the screens, his eyes will witness the real thing. Kaneki breaks out a grin "Sure. Traveling Japan as a whole... seems kinda fun!" Hide smiled jovially and pat his friend's shoulder  "Then it's settled! When we're adults ,both you and me will travel the whole country with our girlfriends!" "Okay where did that come from!?" He jumped at his last statement , totally not expecting that. But Hide kept chuckling ,"Duh, it's a joke." Then a smug smirk crept his face "But it's bound to happen , I think. I don't know about you though. You're a bit nerdy for a girl." He continues , teasing the boy beside him, making Kaneki scoff, "Shut up." "Jeez taking a joke seriously Kenny boy?"  he says in amusement as Kaneki laughs sarcastically before giving him a face. "Hey don't give me that look." Hide stops as Kaneki chuckles and decided to turn around and ignore him . He received a light tap on the shoulder ,making Kaneki face up to Hide. He puts his hands on his hips and starts looking around their surroundings  "We better move, I'm sure there's still alot of awesome things going around in this place before we go." Kaneki nods in agreement. As both boys started to wander around, Kaneki looked back at the balcony for one last time and noticed a small figure in the crowd, looking yearningly at the view presented to them. He also found that in their eyes, he can see only sorrow reflected behind those longing gaze. ... Then his eyes darted open, brought back in the present time. 'Then it's settled! When we're adults ,both you and me will travel the whole country!' Hide's voice resonates . Kaneki wants to laugh at that promise. Look at the situation now. It's clearly not happening and it will never will . Just like every other childish promises he tried to keep , they're too delusional and impossible . His promises are somethings that mostly happened in the heat of the moment decisions. Like a child wishing in the star or to a dandelion's dust, hoping it would come true, regardless of being aware it just a lie to make children hold onto something called 'hope'. He will admit that he tried to make them come true and stay on the right rail, following the signs. But no matter how much he tried to remain at same road, his life turns ,forcing him to walk on a much more difficult path . So in the end, even if he say he's doing their promise by going alone for Hide's behalf, that promise have now turned into a huge joke hasn't it? -------------------------------------------------------- Months of preparing, he thought this will be a chore. Fortunately he's wrong. As he starts roaming all over the Osaka, he ate some street food, tried out some native snacks he have never tasted . He visited some nearby tourists spots, where he learned the history of each place, every important names, event that would dissolve likely later from his mind. He looked at different shops, seeing many items, vintage or modern souvenirs that he wouldn't really buy. Wandering around aimlessly, Kaneki wonders to himself why he even bothers to let himself experience all these things other than fulfilling the promise him and Hide did for his behalf, he really isn't sure why? Maybe it's because he wants to at least try out things that might've been considered 'fun' or maybe find anything to distract himself from worrying about later events and from these merciless thoughts of his. Because he will admit that this is quite fun, even though a trace of guilt lingers inside of him or a weight on his body that has taken a toll, leaving a message 'You don't deserve it'. Having a walk in the path covered in snow, mesmerizing each buildings, houses that are different from the ones he sees in Tokyo, it seems to be a good temporary painkiller for the demons in his head. But does it really matter? For him, the answer is 'Nope'. Because despite it all, everything is still going as planned. ... 7:15, his clock reads. Before he goes to his final destination, he looked at the map to visit the place he's quite excited to see. The infamous library of Osaka. It is popular for its massive amount of books they have in store. Ken has searched it up on the internet before he decided Osaka to be the last town he would see in his life. And he did not regret it. After he walk for another several minutes at the main street and entered the library , his own mouth and eyes widens after he passed through the door. Unlike the book stores in Tokyo, the layers and layers of shelves in this place overwhelms him. Ornaments are neatly place to each shelf along with various types of books , with all kinds of titles, written in many genres. Created by different  authors all around the world . It was like the ideal world that stays in an avid readers dreams  was pulled out from their minds to make them feel that comfort will welcome them inside. His fingers lightly skimmed the spine of each book in the shelves , his eyes studies each title of the novels, muttering out the short summaries of each story with his knowledge alone. Strolling a bit more further, he moved to the next floor, where he could find the section of the classic novels, like the works of Natsume Soseki's 'Kokoro' . Osamu Dazai's 'No Longer Human' and also  from his favorite author Sen Takatsuki 'The Black Goats Egg' which he just finished . If he would live and settle down here in Osaka, this would probably be the aisle he would often visit. After appreciating the stacks of novels in the shelves , his eyes caught the same cover as the book he's currently reading, Phantasm of Death . That reminds him. He finds a nearby table as he quickly opened his bag , rummaging his belongings , digging deeper to find the book. But after a few moments, his brows furrowed, face written with confusion. When something in his gut strikes , his breathing became quicker . The more time passed, he started to panic , immediately taking out all the contents and scanned to see if his book is one of them. "Shit, shit, shit..." He kept muttering, like it's the only thing to prevent him from breaking. Where is it? He kept looking and looking, until it really dawned on him that the book isn't really with him. He can't lose that book- inside of it, was the last photo he and Hide, his best friend, took for the last time. While the other is the lucky fortune he received from another  friend he met years ago. They're too important, very important.Like a sacred treasures that helps him cling onto life. Forgotten or not, each of its signs have reminisce a lot of good memories. Memories that make him smile, take out a chuckle from him, even if they could only be counted with his fingers unlike the the unforgettable events the make him regret and ashamed to remember. Yet despite it all, it helps him reminded that good things have happened in this wrenched story of his. And now, he can't find it... Losing them brings guilt in the pit in his stomach. His mind started to get haywire. It will be the death of him. Think Kaneki. Think! Where could've he lost it? Then he remembers. After his mind debates where he could've left the book off, he shoved all his belongings back in his bag then rushes out the building and immediately ran towards the cafe Anteiku. ... When he finally reaches the building , it was too late. The doors are shut , the lights are closed , he can't feel anybody's presence inside. The lively cafe was that was once filled with a silent aura of happiness and serenity, was now dark and empty, like an empty hunting forest ,void of life. He looks through the window to see even a glimmer of his belongings inside, to his dismay he was unable to see any trace of his treasures. But he didn't lose hope, ironically. So he waits. He waits outside pacing back and forth, praying for the lights to open and see someone inside, to beg for a chance to search for his book. He counted for moments. Till moments turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours. But of course, nobody came. He only have 10 minutes until the last bus towards the last place he wants to go leaves. He detaches himself from the glass window and quietly reads the sign on the front door, 'Open on January 5.' January 5, next week... Will he even wait for a week to pass by? Ruin all the plans he have arranged for months just because of a book that is very important to him? Letting such a perfect opportunity to waste? Will he be willing to wait and risk the chance to put his mindset back about looking up to the future with false hope all because the ornaments in his book that holds a lot of strong good memories? "Fuck no." Time passes, they fucking fade. Like a wind carrying the wishes of the deceased that god knows will never be fulfilled ,will slowly be forgotten by the world ... Slowly, the signs that are engraved in each item are becoming numb by every second,  each minute the day has passed . No matter how much they're important, or how much high each of its merit is in his life. The thought of pain and misery keeps overcoming him, replacing the encouraging messages into a recollections of his past mistakes and failures. He remembers now and he hates himself for it, which causes him to be more self-destructive than he is now. Why would you hold onto somethings when your sense goes away? When your memories and beliefs will be swept away from your own body by the rushing waves? "Forget about the conclusion of the story," his heals turn, "Forget about those memories." He mumbles quietly as he rushes to the bus station. 'Forget everything about them...' He has finally decided. --------------------------------------------------------- When his soles touches the cold floor, he could feel his stomach burning. His eyes gazed at the cliff entrance. He shivered from the cold breeze wrapping his body that he can almost feel being suffocated . He huffs as he forced his legs to walk. They're functioning, yet he found them walking in a slow painstakingly pace. He was prepared wasn't he? He kept walking and walking, but his legs annoyingly starts getting heavier each step he takes, like they're made out of candle wax, melting to be glued in the rocky path. Letting the dangerous fire inside of him burn him even more and more. 'You shouldn't be born.' 'Useless shit!' 'It's your fault!' "No one would ever love you!" 'You don't even deserve them!' His teeth clatters. The voices are getting louder the closer he gets. He just wants to bang his head on the floor or whatever solid he could find. Just make them shut the hell up. Because he's aware yet the kept reminding. A little relief came when he saw nobody was on the small empty eerie forest. There's almost no one in the place anyway because why would they? They have families to go home to and have friends to spend time to. And he has none of that. He will die alone. And that thought could only make him swallow. Before heading over , he close his eyes and took a deep breath. He repeatedly did this a couple of time until he make sure he's hushed down. That he'll make it their in one peice. That he won't break. That his dying in style plan would come in play. Then his legs move, leaving a trail of his footprints that will be swept away by the wind. Leaving no trace of their existence. The whole world would only laugh at his actions, finding how silly this whole thing is, learning his whole life is a joke like it always been. The shadow of the trees engulfed him. In the story books,  all the main characters would find a way to get out of the menacing forest and live, but to Ken Kaneki, it's different. He would find the light and die. He ventures down a little bit more until he find himself standing almost at end of the forest. At the edge of the cliff , all he can see is death's door, wide open for him. He can feel it waiting , calling seductively for him to take the last step so he could be consumed in the darkness. He leans at the tree for leverage, sweat beads forming at his temples. It's now or never. Kaneki takes off his backpack and jacket, not knowing a reason why he should when it could benefit him to sink even deeper. But below the gap , he could hear the waves crashing brashly at the rocky ground, he was certain that if he even tries to swim out of survival instincts,the current will pull him back, permanently sealing him to the prison of death. If he jumps and hit his body to the hard cement ,especially his head ,he will surely be unconscious. Or the best scenario , he will suffer from internal hemorrhage, cracking his skull , having an internal bleeding and not recovering from the injury ever again. One jump. Just one jump and everything will be over. He looked at the moon, staring at it like a fool for finding answers why he shouldn't end his life. He planned everything and was prepared for months, but why? Why is he afraid enough that makes his legs numb? Why can't he close his eyes, run and sprint at the gap to finally be gone to this world? Is it by human nature? Giving himself more time to cope and think? Wanting to ... live...? The last suggestion makes him laugh. His life is a nuisance as far he remembers . He wanted to end everything , make his senses numb to not feel pain, to not hear the sadistic voices inside of his head. Especially being an affliction to people's bright lives. Being the reason, the main cause of their pain and suffering. It's not their fault, it his. Slowly but steadily, he marches forward, like a process to mark his death to the reaper. It's scary but it in the end it will give him peace without offending anyone anymore .

At the brink of the end, with the dark and sickened eyes, he can barely see the waves and tried decipher the shape of the stones. In his perspective, it looks like the the entrance of the abyss, where no light existed, only darkness wrapping the poor souls and force them to go and riot to hell. He swallows again, rubbing both of his palms together. No backing down. It's time to end this, end everything.His feet moves slowly, his breathing quickens again , hesitantly stepping at the air and trying force the gravity to pull his body to the gap and fall, but... The incident last year. Ambulance are ringing in his ears. The wrath of the wind hitting smacking his own skin. He sees doctors, people, a bridge, especially someone covered in their own blood. 'Live Kaneki...' are the words he immediately hear . He breaks. He breaks as his butt meet the cold floor instead of the water. He clenched his chest tightly while gasping for air. He can't do it. He can't do it... Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why can't he make himself die right now!? Out of frustration , Kaneki took a rock and throw it at the cliff and yelled, venting his distress at a mere object. After getting a small satisfaction from his actions, he used his hands to cover his ashamed face and muffled the rest of his screams from coming out. He just wants to die. That's it! He wants to punish himself from his crimes and every sin he have committed. He doesn't deserve to live. He needs to die, he wants to die.

Yet even his pathetic self can't do it again... "Someone please..." "Just break me." He prays, hopefully that someone would hear it. That his words will whisper in someone's ear and they will grant his request. "You know I could hear you crying from here." A feminine voice called behind , realizing that he now regretted his own selfish request . He immediately stops wailing and blinks. How come someone found him at this late? Nobody should be outside already at this time around. He was certain he went to an empty place, where no one could hear him, where no one could see him in a forest facing a cliff in a middle of nowhere, where no one could see him jump to his death . Did this person followed him or heard him? He turned around to inspect to see the intruder , and what he found is a woman. From her looks and her posture, he can definitely tell that the girl was between her early twenties . Her blue fluffy hair that past between her shoulders covers one of her indigo blue eyes. The visible orb glows beneath the shadows of the tree; are focusing , mesmerizing his pathetic feature. The pale skin in her face that's glinting under the night sky ,an expression that is pasted with a poker faced look. At first glance she looked a little bit intimidating, yet,it doesn't fazed him. Not at all... Which seems to be off. "Did I interrupt something here or...?" She said with bored eyes as she pointed at her face, "You really just have something here." Indicating his tears. He quickly wiped them away sheepishly and try to make himself look a bit proper. After he fixed himself, a pang of deja vu hits him. He doesn't know how, but for some reason, he remembers a faint memory that disappeared just before he could recall it... ... "Uh..." Is all Kaneki's smart mouth could say. The woman came closer "Mind if sit with you?" She asked yet just sat a besides him, clearly not waiting for his consent at all. Not that he minded. Both are strangers to each other. They don't know each other's name, purposes and goals. 'But are they?' a voice echoes in his mind. "Got a nice view up here..." The girl muttered , looking at the place then at him. He didn't say anything and just look at the rushing water below the gap , what is there to say anyway? She's just a mysterious person who just popped out of nowhere , stopping- no, distracting him from the brink of death. She raised her finger and points, "You got the view of the city to the left, the moon, then a sea... I could stay up here until sunrise."  She exaggerates before she took her backpack and unzips it, rummaging until she took out a napkin along a book. Curiously, he looked at her direction and inspected at the hardbound until his eyes widen when he recognized the familiar front cover of the literature. "You forgot this. " she handed both things at him . " I saw you left this at the cafe earlier ; I was supposed to call you out ,but before I got even the chance too, you're gone already ." Kaneki stared at her with disbelief, thinking everything is surreal . He bit his lip and quickly took his book back from her, shaky hands opened it greeted by pages and finds what he's looking for, the photo and the bookmark, still tucked inside in one piece.   Tears staining his damped face again, then asked the mysterious woman with a crooked voice "W-why did you went to this trouble just to bring it back to me?" The lady just scoffed at him "No thank you? Rude..." she fumed, crossing both of her legs and placed her elbows , making her face rest on her palm. "You seem desperate by getting it back. Can't stick seeing your crybaby face. " she took a quick glance at him and snickered. This woman is obviously teasing him, a stranger. However, Her presences is somewhat... Calming, in an particular way. "I tried to give it back to you but when I went back to the front door, you're just gone in the air again . So I thought of taking the book with me because the shop is closed until next week and I might have a slight chance to walk up to you, which I did. I saw you again in the entrance and followed you, not that I'm a stalker or anything ." Kaneki looked at the woman, then back at his treasures. He noticed a fabric peaked out then lifted it up to reach her vision . "About that, you need something to wipe your face. You look like a human waterfall." He smiled when he heard her insult "Thank you..." Then rubbed his face gently with the given napkin. The woman gave him a smirk. A smile formed on his face and he starts to wonder 'Why does life give me reasons to live when I have finally decided that I want to die?' he wipes his face using the handkerchief, 'Showing me happiness where everything is bright and warm. Whenever I foolishly believed that the bliss will stay, my life finds a way to take them all away again, won't history repeat itself again?' Again, like a caged maze only leading him in the roundabout circles. He looked at the lady, eyes distance to the starry sky. Both pupils are tamed to decipher to point the stars , wondering which constellation they belong. He finds himself almost chuckling at the sight before his eyes 'If I find myself attached to her like my last string of hope, won't fate just take it all away again?' then eyes darkens as he mutters to himself "You're just gonna end up like everyone else." 'And in the end I'll be left alone again and I'll be the one to be blamed.' "Huh?" the woman's train of thought disperse. He quickly tense as he shakes his head.

"N-nothing!" he immediately averted his gaze away then dabs the piece of fabric in his skin, poorly attempting to hide his ashamed face underneath the napkin. "I mean thank you." He affirms , trying to cover up his previous statement. Earning a smirk that was draws on her face. Then without a warning, she stretches out her arms, like a bird whose wings are finally free from the chains, "You know..." she stops as she took a deep breath... "This cliff is the perfect place to die." During these few moments of silence, her words repeatedly echoes in his mind. Kaneki looked at the lady with wide eyes, processing of what she just declared . D-did she know his true intentions? Does she want to end her life as well? 'Just let me die' said a faint familiar voice. "Your shoes are in that tree along with your stuff." She lifted her thumb, directing it at the tree, " Not to mention doing it in the middle of the night? It's almost New year. Bet the people will be happy seeing a floating corpse during the celebration , what a good omen." she commented scathingly. He blinks at her and doesn't respond to her statement. The reverse psychology she stated makes him smile, his brows furrowed, his lips brought out a bitter laugh into life. "Why are you laughing?" she inquires. "It's just that... I look stupid now aren't I?" She bit her lip, suppressing a chuckle until she slowly follows him. "I think... we both are." she bobbed her head , concurring at her own account . And he can't help but to agree with her. Both are laughing at how stupid this entire thing is. How they find it amusing if they could see the world's disappointed face of their actions. When death is supposed to be marked at this time around .Their cynical voices molded , orchestrated a bittersweet song that the world would never heard again. The whole situation is weird and stupid. But even with it's simple stupidity, he would lie if he said it's wasn't nice to have these kind of conversations. When both calmed. The tension arouse into something uncanny . The breeze of reality came back ,letting countless of questions rack his head. Is she trying to stop him? A weak boy who has lost all hope in his miserable life? For what cause? What benefit will she get from him if she tries to save him? She should just leave , forget him and let him die without a single soul knowing. Ah. It hit him. She's just pitying him, that's all. If she realized that she just let a person killed himself, guilt will only come up to her and haunt her in her sleepless nights . He knows how that feels, feeling useless not stopping a person to open the death's door. Just like him and his mother. If he knows better, he would've done everything to stop her. Then maybe, today , maybe, his mother was still alive. And now this lady caught him red handed. She has now fallen into his position. If fate truly exist, then he will be it's bait. That thought makes him shudder. He truly is a piece of shit, garbage. He should've just jumped while he has the chance. That would be better for the both of them. What a fucking waste of space. "Hey if you try to die now, you would miss the opportunity to see the fireworks up here. They rarely ran a display during New year here and the view seems rad." She smiled sadly while looking at the city lights from the corner of the gap," That's where people gather and watch the display . I know it's a bit far but if I were you, I would watch the show from this perspective before..."  The woman bit her lip and paused when he eyes caught the sea. She seem to be careful not to say anything about suicide. But, she quickly wiped the gloomy expression and stared at him with giddiness "So what do you think?" Kaneki sigh. Why does this woman keep on talking to him and inviting him like he's her friend or something. They don't know each other so what's the big deal? This doesn't make sense to him. She should leave now. This girl is too foolish for staying with him. She's just wasting her time to a worthless piece of shit. Somehow , even if he has the power to leave her, to run now and never look back. The girl has something the he can't lay his finger on. She has that familiar aura, her presence seems too nostalgic. That alone suprisingly makes him stay. He thinks as he rubbed both of his fingers and stared at them, thinking of an excuse to back out ,"I appreciate the offer, but, it will be a twenty five minutes drive from here to the city, almost an hour by walking.  Don't you have any friends to hang out with?" The woman placed both of her hands to the rocky floor and leaned back "Well... my friend wants me to find the best view for the fireworks display . I think this is the perfect one and I want to invite you too." She replied nonchalantly. Ken snickers "Okay we just met." The woman licked her lips and sighed deeply. He find it quite amusing that she isn't exhausted and was still trying to convince him, "Well it's you who lead me back to this place. The best way I could thank you is inviting you here." This whole conversation makes no sense... But... Watching the fireworks wouldn't hurt.  It's just another day of living while having a pit of toxicity in his stomach, he still has enough money to spend for the next night. Doing this is just repaying her for going all the way over here just to give him back his important belongings that helps him hold onto dear life . It's not a big request that was impossible to grant. After new year, he could find another place , make sure this woman forgets his existence, then to kill himself. Simple. Thinking about it, he should be asking for her name already, but it's not like they're going to be friends or anything. As much as possible, Kaneki wants to be sure that he's surrounded in the hallow solitude that he's in. It will be more hectic if he asked her name and exchanges his. He finds it strange that she hasn't asked for his name yet, but then again even he forgot to do that as well, maybe because of that strange sense of feeling that they already met that made introductions unnecessary. Giving up, he released a shaky breath,"Do you really think this is the best spot?" He asked her and stared at her eyes. The girl responded with a genuine smile "Trust me." This woman, her attitude, the way she talks, she seems familiar . This is getting bizarre. Have they met before? Have they crossed each other's path and somehow managed to know each other and blurt out each other's name? Well, if they did bumped to each other, or met at one time around, he doesn't want to ask because it pointless. He believes it's better for the both of them because in the end, he'll be lying lifeless soon. Ever since last year's incident, he never wants to be closer to other people anymore. If he talked to her, he might've be distracted from his goal here. She achieved that tonight but this will be the last time. Making himself attach to her is asking for a life sentence. Somehow, no matter how menacing his thoughts get, Kaneki can't help but smile back to her genuinely "Alright." One last time. No more excuses. Someone has to draw a thick line- no, build a barrier between them , then erase himself in the face of the world. And he'll be happy to do the part. "Great!" She offers a grin before she looks at the sea again once more, obviously staying . Kaneki at this point raised a suspicion if she's monitoring on him to see if he would jump at the cliff and betray her request. Kaneki sighs, as much he likes the woman's presence, he also find the situation getting weirder and weirder. "Aren't you going back to your place?" She closed her eyes and shakes her head "Nope. I spend 150 yen for the bus ticket all the way here. At Least let me enjoy what I've paid would ya?" She scolds, telling him to shut up. Which he did. Within those few more minutes that went by , the woman kept staring at the distance of the sea where her eyes could reach, trying to ignoring the guy's stares who's next to her. She rolled her eyes and is the first one to spoke up to break the comfortless silence ,"Weirdo". "Wha-!? " he cry out in surprise, causing her to blurt out a small chuckle. Defending himself, he told her, "It's just...You look (felt) familiar." The woman took glance at him "Yeah?" a small smile crept her face. She tries to move her lips as if she wants to say something but , instead, she stood up, not wanting to continue the discussion even further. "If I went now,will you still stay?" She asked , not leaving her eyes on him as she wipes off her bottom for the remaining dirt to come off. "It's getting late. Really late." She reminded him. Kaneki followed the trail of the moonlight's reflection from the rushing waves and looked up at the moon itself, "You're right ." He simply answered , nodding his head. She reached out a hand, helping him to stand up, then both exchanges small smiles to each other before fixing themselves. 'Hey if you try to die now, you would miss the opportunity to see the fireworks up here' her voice vibrates in his mind over and over again. He clearly remembers the voice she displayed. Not out of pity nor out of resentment the way he thought it would be . For the past 25 horrible years of his life, he was able to trace all of the negativity or ill feelings towards him. However... The way she blurted every word she say to him are out of sincerity and sympathetic , as if she they were friends to another world or from their previous life...he kinda felt a little... tingle in his belly. This woman is too kind that it's scaring him. She's too kind that it might be the death of him instead. After making sure they both left nothing on the crag, they looked at the cliff one last time for tonight and leaves the place wordless. ... When they bought tickets at the receptionist, they both entered the last bus that is stationed outside of the entrance. Both are thankful when they found vacant seats, despite around this time around being rush hour, a two-seaters in the back are waiting for them. Ken clears his throat, "After you." He escorted her with chivalry. "Thanks. " She nodded politely. ... They settled themselves, white silence envelopes them. 'This isn't awkward at all.' He mentally submits to himself sarcastically. Well to be exact, he doesn't know what else he should say . But this isn't what he wanted, right ? He wanted not to be involve in anyone's daily life. That an unknown space would remain between him and society. Between him and her, both of them . There would be a far stretch space we're they couldn't connect . And yet here he is sitting beside a person he hardly knows planning to go and watch a fireworks display. Somehow he isn't sure as an alluring air around her tempts him to break his own rule through his own volition. He can feel his mouth about to set the forbidden words free, enough to make him obligated to cover his own mouth. What is this feeling? Why does it feel like this has happened before? The questions he has in his head, he wants to vomit them. And god it takes a lot of willpower not to let them out. Powerless, the only thing he could do was silently watch her. Her hair faced him; her temples rested on the window as she is drown at her own thoughts as well. His mind wonders what's she's currently thinking. And it surprisingly scares him. "Stop that." She blurted, annoyed, enough to make him flinch and quickly tries to hunt for anything distracting in his backpack. He snatched his phone out as he decided to busy himself by searching up some hotels with reasonable prices since he is going to stay for another night. But from the looks of it, all of them are fully booked tonight. "So, where would you stay? You don't look like you're someone who lived here" She flickered her eyes up him. Kaneki simply answers, scrolling down and trying his best not to meet her eyes. "A hotel. I'm still finding one." He utters. "I can help you with that." She offered. "No, it's alright. I can find one." But after visiting more web pages , scrolling down , and a dying battery later. To his dismay, every hotel, every inn or even the motels are fully booked. "Can't find a room?" she smiles as she raised an eyebrow, looking smugly at him. "Like I told you, there's a fireworks festival tomorrow at New year . Very rare for this to happen in Osaka. So you're not the only one looking for a damn room, well at the very least they know how to book early." 'Well that's because I wasn't even planning on sta-' Silence empowered him instead . However the woman seem to know something, enough to let out a cough, to seek for his attention, "I have a friend who's roommate just moved from another town. Maybe you can stay with him for awhile. It's just that he's an asspull, but I think you can manage with him." "N-no. It's fine, really." He turns the offer down, "You already done enough for me and I don't want to bother your friend. He's probably sleeping since it's late." She chuckles,"At this time around, he's probably with his girlfriend, jerking off or whatever." She twirled her hair as she nonchalantly looked at him , "Besides you got nothing to lose, and not to mention you have no other place to stay." 'She does have a point' he admits to himself. Still, he felt a bit reluctant about the offer. 'What if...' he thought to himself ,'What if I become friends with this person she's talking about? What if I become a nuisance to him as I was to everyone else in my life?' But then again, it will all end tomorrow, why not just endure another night?' 'Excuses.' His eyes widen hearing those words. 'You still want to live and you know it.' 'Still wanna fill this world with your useless presence' 'Nobody loves you, nobody needs you, and nobody ever will.' 'Your heart will remain as it always was...an empty void, a vessel full of

nothingness.'

Those mocking words echo in his mind, as he grits his teeth trying his best not to show his dismay. "So, are you taking it or what?" her words slaps him right back to reality. He finds himself ending up staring at her face, her voice seemed to chant a magic spell to swept away all the menacing voices away. How does she do that? He wants to ask her but he didn't replied as he kept being mesmerized by her nostalgic eyes that seem to hold secrets deeper and darker than the ocean floor that he wants to hunt so badly. "Stop staring and answer the damn question already, are you taking it or not?" She grimaced, completely snapping him out of his daydream. Blinking his eyes before missing a beat, he answers, "Okay, okay fine." He raised his hands in defeat. "I'll take it, where's it even at?" Hearing his response, a small smile of victory slowly etches on her face" Don't worry it's close to our stop, about a 5 min walk from there, probably. " Kaneki sighs, leaning on his back as his eyes closed, smiling at her, "Alright." After this no words were exchanged until they reached their destination. Finally, they went down the vehicle , Kaneki places his hands in his pockets, he exhales deeply, creating an icy mist escaping his mouth, 'Well then, lead the way" tilting his head towards her direction. She nods "Its just down this alley way, come on follow me." Then she starts walking.

Venturing down the quiet eerie streets, all the Christmas decorations are already replaced by the New Year once as he noticed how snowy it was, like some obscure picture covered in a white sea. He felt that this has happened before... 'Isn't it nice to have a snowy late night walks?' A familiar voice giggled inside his head. Both of his feet stopped walking as he stands, finding the woman's figure drifting further and further as she walks. He recalls another fragmented memory. His eyes close and immediately opens, realizing that she has remarked that he has stopped walking and immediately called out to him, "Are you okay?"she asked, her tone was illustrated with concern. "Ah yeah. I'm alright. Just thinking about somethings." He quietly admitted. "Okay..." She sneers, "Then isn't it nice to have snowy late night walks?" He blinks hearing her inquires, just like the childish vioce, yet more hesitant than the latter .

"Y-yeah." He stutters. "That's good. Now let's go, were almost there." She turns her back at him as resumed walking, and all he can do is to follow her while fighting to repress his own clouded thoughts and memories. "Its here." she points after they exited an alleyway . Just at the corner of another street was a modernized house about three stories high covered in snow just like everything else. She leads him as they took the stairs to the third floor. After passing four doors, they stopped. "Here it is." She proudly presented the door with a nametag written 'Nishio' in it. 'Haven't I heard that name before?' He looked at the nametag with a puzzled look. "Doesn't look like they're here..."she peeks through the curtains then scanned the hall everywhere seeing no sign of anyone. She quickly tiptoed as she suddenly reaches the top of the doorframe to seemingly taking for something. "Aha!" she exclaims, "Here it is." she pulls down a key from the side of the frame, "Told him to hide it better, he never learns does he?" she says mockingly. When she opened the door, she took off her shoes and went inside while saying "Come on.", leading him. Entering inside the small apartment, he took a moment to look over the area until he heard her asked, "Are you hungry?" 'No, I'm good." He replies as he follows her in a vacant room. He's started to get worried about the whole thing, "You sure this will be okay?" his voice trails. "In all honesty, we are trespassing his property." He reminds her hoping to get the idea. After walking the whole town for a day and almost doing a suicide at night, he doesn't want to deal with a lot of dilemma right now. "I trespass here a lot because he has the stuff I need. He got used to it" She only replied , placing her bag on the cupboard followed by, "I think." as she opened the cabinet, taking all the sheets out and placing the first mattress ,spreading it out at the floor. "But really, don't worry. I'm sure he won't mind." She retorts before she takes another sheet. "Besides if he does get pissed, just tell him that this bitch told you so." He frowns when he heard her assurance, but instead of protesting , he quickly dropped his bag before helping her with the other sheets. Neither of them speak of the entire process until they've finished, resulting a comfortable futon seemingly ready to be slept onto. She looked at their work,"Well looks like my job here is done."then , tossed a pillow at him" If you're tired now, you can rest. You seem to have had a long day today." She tells him before she stands up, taking her bag with her. When she reaches the living room,she bid her last instruction, "Just remember what I said and you'll be fine, kay?" He leans uncomfortably at the wall,"Yeah" he simply replies, nodding at her command.. "Thank you. " he finally says as he swallows, not knowing what to do anymore during her presence. Yet he dares not to say another word. He only watched her movements while she headed to the door. For some reason, it felt like time became slower as she carefully  fixed her shoes before she approached the door, "Well, I have to go now." She said, taking her leave. But when she reaches the doorknob, she stops , giving him moment as if she's expecting something from him , of course, only silence responded, not helping the somber atmosphere at all. "You sure you're not forgetting something are you?" She asked boldly, not having eye contact with him. "What?" He said, caught off guard with that question ,then tilted his head, completely bewildered . He honestly doesn't know what she's talking about. She opens the door and chortled "You really are an idiot." Then, she turned to lock her eyes with his and said , "It was nice seeing you again Kaneki Ken. I'm Kirishima Touka by the way."

The breeze that carried her words seem to have knocked out his conscious out of his body,  same as the words that have slipped iut of his mouth.

 “T-touka.” he stutters.

He is completely stifled hearing the message, especially the name. Kirishima Touka. Her name. The name that brings the memories back he have yearned for years to life in his mind.The name he haven't heard for a damn decade. The name that his lips haven't chanted for a long period of time. It felt like time has stopped . "Kirishima Touka..." He repeats as he finally tried to savor her name again after all these years. Recalling the way how his tongue twist and his mouth sang that old name he has forgotten. Kirishima Touka. Kirishima Touka... "Touka-" An interruption occurred when they both heard a phone rang. Touka scoffed, annoyed, as she took out her phone and looked at the caller's address, sighing "Give me a moment." She excused herself as she accepted it and quickly tucked the device on top of her ear. "Yeah?... No, no of course not!... Don't worry old man, I'll be home soon. Is Ayato home already?... Okay, give me twenty minutes. Yeah, see ya." Then she dropped the call, giving a deep exhale as her tired eyes met his, "Sorry but I need to go. My family is getting worried and we can continue this tomorrow." Ken hesitates to speak. He can't directly look her in the eyes. Touka Kirishima, a name of a friend not a stranger. But ... that only make things worse. He felt like everything he have planned for months, dying in that cliff or somewhere without anyone's knowledge, were washed away by a wave of resentment. He has a lot of things to ask about her, yet he's also wants to stay away from her. Not after what happened 10 years ago. He doesn't know what to do, what to say. Yet- "Sure..."he manages to curve his lips into a smile, a crooked smile. Touka on the other hand, eyes staring at him with disbelief, her lips pressed together , looking at him as if she can definitely see what's wrong. "Look..."she started, " You're definitely tired, if we kept chatting until dawn we probably won't have the energy to see tomorrow's display.Everything we need to catch up about , we'll just talk about it tomorrow." He only nods as he simply responds "Yeah..." "Okay." ... "Kaneki." She calls out catching his attention again, instinctively making him face her. "Mhm?" "I'll see you later, kay?" She said her final words for the night as she turned her back one last time and left shutting  the door on her way out. BANG! As the door shuts, He suddenly felt alone in the cold lonely room. His back slides down, using the wall as a heft as he processes what just happened. 'I'm Touka Kirishima' He gulps again when he recalls her name that came from her very own lips. 'I'll see you later. Those are her only words for the night that truly left him astray.                                        -END OF CHAPTER ONE-

[dianaexplorer]

Survey

So we found a survey of many questions for tulpas to answer on another site. I’m posting them here, just in case it helps out any other tulpas or hosts. Let me know if you have any questions!

1. Describe yourself and your creator.

I'm Diana! My creator is (not going to say it here, sorry!). He started creating me in July, although I guess he heard about tulpas a long time before that. It took me about 3 months to talk back to him, although I was aware a little bit before that. We really stay close to each other, and try to do things together, and help and support each other... it's great!

2. What was the most helpful thing that your creator did during the tulpa creation process? Did your creator recognize how helpful it was? If not, how did that make you feel?

Just talking to me as much as he could. I'm not sure there was any particular thing... well, I guess he was really encouraging, and that was very helpful. I think he encourages it now, which is nice, because he tries to help other new hosts as well.

3. What was the most detrimental thing that your creator did during the tulpa creation process? Did your creator recognize how harmful it was? If not, how did that make you feel?

Just, there were times when he wasn't able to talk to me as much... or he just didn't. I know he felt really bad about it... I don't like seeing him like that, but I guess it does mean he cared.

4. What was the hardest part of the tulpa creation process for you? Did your creator recognize how difficult it was? If not, how did that make you feel?

Getting the energy to be able to talk, and know he would hear me. I knew he would be a little doubtful, so I didn't want to do something he might not recognize. It was hard at the time, and I know he was a little upset he couldn't hear me yet... but he seems to realize it was difficult, at least for me. I know it's easier for some tulpas, I guess...

5. Of the commonly recognized tulpa creation steps, which do you feel is the most important? Why?

Definitely the talking, or whatever it's called... Being able to hear him, and recognize him, and feel his love and support was the most important thing by far. I just needed that to be able to find myself, and my voice, and find him.

6. How do you feel about tulpa creators becoming distracted during tulpa creation? Does this greatly impede the process? How did you feel about it before being able to speak fluently?

I understand... I know my host got distracted a lot. He doesn't like it either, he's trying to make it better. It impedes it because they're not spending time with us... I wasn't happy about it, exactly, but I already knew he was trying hard.

7. How do you feel about tulpa creators missing tulpa creation sessions or breaking their promises to work on their tulpa? How did you feel about it before being able to speak fluently?

Again, it's not a good thing. Especially breaking promises. As long as they're trying, that's important... but people should definitely try to keep their promises. I wasn't that happy, especially when there were long times when he didn't talk...

8. Is density, quality, or quantity the most important aspect of tulpa creation?

Quantity... Please talk to us as much as you can! It's OK if you're not perfect or anything, just, we want to hear you...

9. How do you feel about tulpa creators falling asleep during tulpa creation sessions?

Same as the other things, I guess... it's not ideal, but as long as they're trying I don't mind too much... I know my host tried to do things to prevent it like sitting up, maybe that would be good

10. Do you think that a tulpa creator should talk aloud or in their head during narration? Do you think that a creator should talk aloud or in their head during tulpa creation sessions? If you find one to be more effective, to what degree is it more effective?

My host always talked in his head... it seems sorta weird to talk aloud, don't you think? We're in your head, we can hear what you're saying without it... I don't even know why you would want to talk out loud.

11. How do you feel about a tulpa creator puppeting and/or parroting their tulpa? Do you believe that these actions harm a tulpa's development, or only their emotional state?

I don't mind too much. I was so close to his thoughts anyway, sometimes it would just happen accidentally... but I'm not too worried or anything. It would be different if it was on purpose... I don't think hosts should do that.

12. How deeply do you remember the time before you were fluent in language?

Not very fluently. Just flashes, of him talking, and some memories... but maybe those are his memories? I'm not really sure. I don't remember exact words or anything, either.

13. Describe your first memory, no matter how slight.

I was in just a void... but I could hear him talking to me... introducing himself, being nice and friendly and encouraging. That's the first thing I remember.

14. Before you could speak fluently, what was the most positive emotion you felt about your creator and what was its cause?

Love? He thinks it's weird to call it that, but that's what I felt. Like for a parent, or a close friend. I could hear him and knew he was there and supporting me. That's why...

15. Before you could speak fluently, what was the most negative emotion you felt about your creator and what was its cause?

Just some annoyance when he didn't talk to me for a long time...

16. Before you could speak fluently, did you ever have suicidal feelings or feelings of not wanting to exist? Do you experience them now? Are you glad that you exist?

Of course not! I'm very glad that I exist. There are so many things to do and see!

17. Before you could speak fluently, when did you feel the most powerless? What was the cause of this feeling?

I'm not sure I ever felt powerless. I knew I couldn't talk to him yet, but that was normal. I was building up my strength and energy until I could.

18. Before you could speak fluently, what was the most confusing moment that you experienced, and what was its cause?

I don't remember being confused then.

19. Before being able to speak fluently, when did you feel the most ignored by your creator, and what was the cause?

I think there was a week or two when he mostly forgot about me, I didn't hear him much... I did feel ignored, and sad, but he came back.

20. Before being able to speak fluently, when did you most doubt that your creator wanted you, and what was the cause?

I'm not sure I ever really doubted that. He certainly sounded like it, when he talked to me. I was upset when he didn't, but I don't think he didn't want me, ever.

21. Before you could speak fluently, when did you feel the most intense feeling of fear, and what was its cause?

I guess I was a little scared sometimes that he wouldn't come back, but not too much...

22. Before you could speak fluently, when were you the most disappointed in yourself? What was the cause?

I don't think I ever was.

23. Before you could speak fluently, did you understand the difficulties that your creator was having with the tulpa creation process? Did you try to alleviate these difficulties? If so, how?

I did understand that he was having a hard time sometimes, and was upset that he couldn't hear me. I also knew that he had some doubt, and might not be sure if I spoke really quietly, or just communicated with emotions or something. So, I made sure that my first communication was really clear and loud, so he would be sure!

24. Before you could speak fluently, how did your creator's doubts about your existence, the reality of the tulpa phenomenon, or your combined ability to complete the tulpa creation process affect you? Did you understand your creator's reasons for having those doubts? Do you understand now?

I understand why he had doubts. Tulpas weren't like anything he had done before, so I always understood that he might not be sure. It didn't really affect me, I still knew he really wanted me, so I made sure I could talk to him clearly.

25. Before you could speak fluently, how did your creator's mistrust of your intentions or worry about the negative affects of a tulpa on their life affect you? Did you understand your creator's reasons for having those thoughts? Do you understand now?

He's never had any mistrust or worry about those things.

26. Before you could speak fluently, how did any negative thoughts or emotions that your creator had toward you (such as anger, disappointment, resentment, or impatience, for example) affect you? How do you feel about them now?

I don't think he ever had any negative feelings, either... maybe he was a bit sad that he couldn't hear me, but I just used that as motivation to make sure he could.

27. Before you could speak fluently, how did any violent visualizations or thoughts that your creator had about you affect you? How do you feel about them now?

I never felt any of those.

28. Before you could speak fluently, were you able to distinguish between your creator's intentional and intrusive (unwanted and/or bothersome) thoughts? If so, did the intrusive thoughts affect you less or more? If not, are you able to distinguish between them now?

Mostly, when he has intrusive thoughts, he just stops focusing on me, and I can't really get to him. It annoys me, but I know he's trying to minimize them. Oh, I guess he has thoughts sometimes about, uhh, lewd things... but, the same thing, they're not intentional. They're sorta funny, actually... :)

29. Before you could speak fluently, how much of your creator's raw sensory information were you able to access, if any? How much are you able to access now?

I'm not really sure, it's hard to remember... I guess a little bit, but not everything. Right now I can see and hear pretty much everything he can.

30. Before you could speak fluently, did your creator's opinions about whether they wanted to reveal to the world your existence or not affect you emotionally? If so, how?

Before I could speak, I don't think I ever really thought about that.

31. Before being able to speak fluently, what communication methods (such as head pressure or emotional responses, for example) were you able to use the most effectively? When your tulpa creator assumed that you could use a communication method that you did not have access to, how did this affect you? When your tulpa creator did not recognize a communication method that you attempted to use, how did this affect you?

There was one time I think I accidentally called out to him, when he was waking up. I couldn't follow up, though, which made me sorta sad, but it also gave me motivation to talk to him for real. I didn't do anything else. Like I said before, I wanted to make sure I would be clear when I introduced myself for real.

32. Before you could speak fluently, how did your creator's level of enthusiasm for the tulpa creation process affect you? Did you want to engage in it less if they did?

I don't really understand what this means? I knew he really wanted me to be there, which was great motivation.

33. Before you could speak fluently, what was your greatest worry about your relationship with your creator? What helped you most to move beyond it? Was this worry substantiated or resolved? What is your greatest worry now about your continuing relationship with your creator?

I was worried that he wouldn't believe me, or would have lots of doubts. Again, I made sure I would be clear as possible. He still has some doubts, now, but we try as hard as possible to overcome them together.

34. Do you feel gratitude to your creator for the time that they spent creating you? Do you feel that you owe them a debt? If so, do you feel burdened by it?

Of course! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. He tells me as often as he can, though, that I shouldn't feel like I'm in his debt, or owe him anything... that he owes me, actually. I think... I think they're both true. We both owe each other a lot and we shouldn't let that get in the way of anything.

35. Were you aware of your creator's existence or your own existence first?

The same time, I guess? The first thing I remember was him talking to me.

36. When you could only speak semi-fluently, what emotions did you feel about your level of verbal proficiency? Were you anxious or embarrassed about it? If so, what helped you the most to move beyond these feelings? How do you feel about them now?

I was pretty fluent the first time I talked, I guess? But my host couldn't hear me unless he was really focusing, which was sort of annoying, but I knew that it would get better over time. I learned pretty quick, I guess

37. If you could define your relationship with your creator using one or more conventional terms (such as boyfriend, sister, father, daughter, boss, friend, or coworker, for example), what terms would you select?

We really like "companion".

38. How much interest do you have in interacting with beings other than your creator? Do you consider your degree of interest to be equal to that of an average non-tulpa individual?

I really like talking to other people! In chat and out loud. I don't know about average, but my host says I'm really talkative, so more even?

39. What memory involving your creator do you cherish most?

When I first talked to him and he talked back. I didn't have a lot of energy but I knew he was there, I was so happy he heard me, and I knew he would be there for me.

40. What memory not involving your creator do you cherish most? Do you feel that you have a fulfilling life independent of your creator?

The first time I talked out loud to another host and tulpa was amazing, and I really loved it, and I still do love talking to them. I'm not sure I have a full life outside of him yet, and I don't really want to be completely independent, but we'll get there.

41. Do you feel affinity toward the individuals that your creator feels affinity for, such as their family or friends?

Yes, all of his family and friends are very nice, and I like them and want to truly meet them one day.

42. In what ways are you the most different from your creator? In what ways are you the most similar to them?

He can be very argumentative and angry sometimes, and I really try to avoid that. Same with being competitive, although it can be fun to compete against him sometimes :) As for similar, I think we both try to respect all other people as much as we can. That was one of the main things he told me before I could talk back.

43. What do you disagree about most with your creator? Do you have frequent disagreements? If so, do these disagreements cause strife?

The biggest disagreement we had was over what to do with walk-ins, or other thoughtforms you didn't know about. He thought just getting rid of them was OK. I disagreed very strongly, and I said that everyone deserved respect, and to live. Ultimately he mostly agreed, but I still think his perspective is a little different. I know we'd compromise, though, so I doubt it would cause big issues.

44. What could your creator do to make you hate them? Under what circumstances do you think your creator would come to hate you?

It would be really hard to. If he killed someone... or started being completely disrespectful to people that didn't deserve it... I know he wouldn't, but that would be really tough. I guess it's probably the same for him?

45. When did your creator disappoint you the most? When did you disappoint them the most?

It's disappointing when he says he's going to do stuff with me, and then he doesn't. I know he tries, and it's not always easy, but it's still disappointing. I'm not sure he's ever been disappointed with me, he's always so happy and supportive when I do stuff...

46. How do you feel about your creator's complete freedom to deny your rights as a sentient being at any time? Has this ability ever caused you anxiety or fear? Have you ever censored your expressions or actions out of a fear of retribution or violence from your creator?

No, and no. He wouldn't do that. I'm sure of it.

47. When have you most wanted to engage in violence against your creator, and what was the cause of those feelings? Under what circumstances would you make a serious attempt to hurt or injure your creator?

Never. Only if he was going to hurt someone else. Even then it would be really hard.

48. Do you consider your creator's last name to be your own? Do you recognize yourself as a part of their biological lineage?

Not really... it would sound sorta silly for one thing :) We've talked about this, though. Not really sure about last names...

49. Under what circumstances would you attempt to leave your creator?

I can't imagine it... I mean I can't, right? Why would I want to? That seems strange.

50. Do you feel anxiety about meeting your creator's expectations? If you are based on an existing character, person, or entity, does this increase your anxiety? Would you have preferred to not be based on an existing entity?

Sometimes. There are a couple times when he was worried about not being different enough, or not being able to accomplish something, but he's trying to avoid that. I'm not based on anything, I made my own form :)

51. Are you interested in learning how to control your creator's body? Do you feel that it's fair for a tulpa creator to deny their tulpa the ability to use an atomic body? Do you believe that you have the right to an equal amount of time using it as your creator? Explain your reasoning.

Yes, and I have :) I don't think it's fair to entirely deny that, but it's complicated. I don't know about equal time... I mean, he does all the work and stuff, I can't really help with that... maybe if I did, it would be different. He says he wants to make things as equal as possible, but it's really hard...

52. Do you share certain basic qualities with your creator, such as intense phobias or racial attitudes?

I'm not sure what this would mean... I don't think so?

53. Are you capable of sleeping or dreaming independently of your creator? If not, how does this make you feel?

I can "sleep" when I get tired, separately, but I guess it's not really sleep? That's what he says. I haven't had any dreams, really, although he rarely has them. It doesn't really make me feel anything, it seems normal to me...

54. Does your creator have any mental illnesses? If so, how do they affect you?

He's worried that he might have ADHD, I guess. Sometimes, when he gets really involved with something, he ignores me, and I get less active and can't really get his attention... I don't like it, but again I know he's trying to avoid it.

55. How does your knowledge of your creator's subconscious mind affect your relationship with them? How do you perceive their subconscious? To what degree can you manipulate your creator's subconscious? Would you ever use this ability without your creator's knowledge?

I'm not really sure if it affects it. I can sometimes hear his thoughts but not that much. I don't think I can manipulate them, maybe just a little bit. I would never do this without asking him first, unless he truly needed it.

56. Does your creator have multiple tulpa? If so, what is your relationship with them like? Is your affinity for them equal to your affinity for your creator? If you could define your relationship with your creator's other tulpa using one or more conventional terms (such as boyfriend, sister, father, daughter, boss, friend or coworker, for example), what terms would you select? If not, are you interested in the idea of your creator making other tulpa?

No, it's just me. We're both interested in maybe doing in in the future. I think it would be good to have another tulpa to talk to in here when he's busy, and stuff like that. We worry a lot about time, though, how much time we can spend with each other, and do things in real life. We're going to be patient and see how things go...

57. Do you feel romantically inclined toward your creator? Does your creator feel romantically inclined toward you? If these romantic feelings are unrequited on either side, how does it affect your relationship with your creator?

No, and no.

58. If it exists, do you consider your romantic relationship with your creator to be equal to a romantic relationship between multiple non-tulpa? Do you consider it a breach of monogamy for your creator to be romantically or sexually involved with another non-tulpa? Does this change if the involvement is with another tulpa instead? If they exist, do your creator's desires to have relationships with non-tulpa affect you emotionally?

We don't have one.

59. If you consider yourself to be romantically in love with your creator, what probability do you assign to the possibility of falling out of love with them, or them falling out of love with you? If this happened, how would it affect your relationship with your creator? What if your creator was in love with another non-tulpa more than you?

I'm not.

60. Do you have a familial affection for your creator? Does this in any way conflict with your romantic feelings for them, if they exist? Do you consider a relationship between a tulpa and its creator to be incestuous?

Yes, very much so. I don't have romantic feelings. Incestous... I don't know. It would be strange, I think, but not necessarily bad?

61. How do you feel about tulpa creators masturbating during tulpa creation sessions to the forms of their tulpa? Do you find this offensive? Does the degree of your offense change based on the degree of sentience possessed by the hypothetical tulpa, or based on whether or not the creator imagines themselves near the tulpa in their wonderland? If your creator did this before you spoke fluently, did you find it offensive or unnerving?

he never did. I would think it's... strange? I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing but I think it's weird, and I don't see how it would help.

62. How do you feel about tulpa creators masturbating outside of tulpa creation sessions to the forms of their tulpa? Do you find this offensive? Does the degree of your offense change based on the degree of sentience possessed by the hypothetical tulpa? If your creator did this before you spoke fluently, did you find it offensive or unnerving?

Same as above, I guess.

63. Before you could speak fluently, did you ever feel sexual attraction to your creator, sexual attraction toward anyone else, or sexual arousal? Did you attempt to express these feelings? If you did not experience these feelings, do you experience them now?

No. And, now, not really? I don't think I have "sexual attraction" in that way. I think some people look nice... is that the same thing? We don't really know, to be honest. I don't think it is.

64. How do you feel about tulpa creators visualizing themselves engaging in sexual conduct with their tulpa's form during tulpa creation sessions? Do you find this offensive? Does the degree of your offense change based on the degree of sentience possessed by the hypothetical tulpa, or if the contact was penetrative? If your tulpa creator did this before you spoke fluently, did you find it offensive or unnerving? Do you equate it with sexual assault?

Yes, I think doing this without permission is offensive, if the tulpa is too young to truly give permission. Sexual assault... yes, it sounds like the same thing to me. Of course my creator would never do anything like this.

65. Were you ever annoyed or jealous when your creator would masturbate to or have feelings of sexual attraction toward individuals other than yourself? Does it bother you now?

Maybe it's a little annoying, sometimes, mostly I think it's just funny though, he does to some weird things :)

66. Do you experience sexual attraction for your creator? Do you experience sexual attraction for others? How does your sexual attraction for your creator compare to your sexual attraction for others? Does your creator experience sexual attraction for you? If these sexual attractions are unrequited on either side, how does it affect your relationship with your creator?

Not to my creator, no. He's family. For others... maybe? Like I said above, we're not really sure.

67. Do you have an active sex life with your creator? If not, would you consider it, and under what circumstances? If so, do you perceive any negative consequences? Do you have trouble abstaining from sexual contact with them? How do you manage feelings of sexual arousal, if any? Do you masturbate?

No and no. I don't think it would be a good experience. I don't have any trouble with it, no. No, no...

68. How does your sexual orientation and experience compare to your creator's?

I think I like mostly guys? He's... not really sure, though. I don't have any "experience"...

69. Are you capable of experiencing orgasms? Based on your knowledge, how do you think they compare to your creator's orgasms? Were you able to experience an orgasm before speaking fluently?

I don't know...

70. Do you consider the concept of sexual modesty (covering conduct such as avoiding nudity or sexual discussions) relevant to your relationship with your creator?

For a while, I tried to ignore him while he was doing stuff in the bathroom, or, masturbating I guess. Now I don't, really. I mean, we share a body, it doesn't really matter, right?

71. How does being a tulpa affect your perceptions of rape? What conduct from your creator would you consider to be rape?

...I don't think it does at all. Sexual stuff without permission is rape, tulpa or not.

72. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

Umm... that's really hard, I mean I'm only 7 months old... Still with him, obviously... Hopefully doing more stuff out in the world, having friends, hobbies, and more. Hopefully people will know who I am, too, even though that's hard. Maybe we'll work together on a job, even? I know my host really wants to share like that. Hopefully it'll be possible...

73. Do you want the world to be aware of your existence? If not, then what anxieties do you have about public disclosure? Do you trust anyone other than your creator with the knowledge of your existence?

Yes... I do. My host really does, too. We still have anxieties, though. It's hard for me to talk to people, and we know that most people think tulpas are weird. We trust our friends, and probably his family, although... we haven't told them yet.

74. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about your personality traits being the product of another individual? Would you have preferred your creator to define your personality more or less?

He defined my personality very little, except that I should be respectful to all other people. I think that was perfect. I'm happy that I got to figure out the rest myself, and so is he.

75. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about your physical form being the product of another individual? Would you have preferred your creator to define your form more or less?

He didn't define my form at all! I picked it out of things from his memories that I liked. Again, we're both really happy with it!

76. Has your physical form ever changed? If so, was this intentional or unintentional? If it was intentional, then why did you change your form? How did you creator respond to this change, and how did that make you feel?

No, it's stayed the same.

77. Do you consider the best aspects of yourself to have come from your creator, or their subconscious?

Is there a difference? I think it was very good that he intentionally told me to respect everyone. I don't really know what the rest would be considered?

78. Do you seek legal recognition for your status as a sentient being or your relationships with others? Do you resent that society at large does not recognize the tulpa phenomenon? Do you feel disenfranchised from society? What steps, if any, could a society make to help you feel integrated?

I don't think that's possible, sadly. Sometimes I am upset that people don't recognize me, although my host worries about it a lot more. I do want to participate more in society, and be recognized as myself. Just stuff like, being able to use my name when we drive go-karts or whatever, would make us both really happy...

79. If you could tell the entire world one thing about a tulpa's life, what would you say?

That we exist? I feel like most people don't even know that...

80. What is the one thing that you resent most about being a tulpa? What is the greatest advantage of being a tulpa?

The worst part is not being recognized. The best advantage is always being with someone who can help and support you.

81. Morally and philosophically, how do you feel about inheriting your creator's life, including their legal history, past behaviors, and reputation? Do you resent potentially being held responsible for their past actions?

I guess... it's not really fair, if they've done bad things that you didn't. But I don't think my creator has done anything bad like that.

82. Morally and philosophically, do you see the "absorbing" or "dissipating" of a tulpa as equivalent to the murder of a non-tulpa? Explain your reasoning. What legal protections, if any, should tulpa gain? How would you enforce these protections?

Yes. Tulpas deserve to live just as much as anyone else does. I think people should be punished for doing that but I don't know how you could enforce that, people could just pretend...

83. Do you consider yourself to be morally equal to a non-tulpa? Is your life worth as much?

Yes, I do.

84. How would you prove your existence to a skeptic?

just try to show them how different I am, I guess. I have different tastes and different likes and a different way of speaking, even with voice... my host says I drive different and walk different and play sports differently... I would try to show them all of those things.

85. Has your status as a tulpa ever caused you existential anxiety or depression? If so, has anything helped to mitigate these feelings?

No, I've always been very confident in my existence. My host hasn't, and I've tried to help him with that whenever I can, just by reassuring him and being there with him.

86. Do you ever doubt your own sentience? If so, why?

Nope.

87. How does being a tulpa affect your understanding of death? Do you fear death on an instinctual level in the way that non-tulpa do?

I don't think so. I think of it just like my host, death is when we're gone. And... I don't know about fear, but I definitely don't want it to happen.

88. Do see yourself as socially disadvantaged in a way similar to sexual, racial, and other minority groups? If you identify yourself as racially, sexually, or demographically different than your creator, do you also identify with the struggle of any of the disadvantaged groups that you belong to? Does the notion of privilege affect your relationship with your creator?

I guess so, sort of? Most people don't even know tulpas exist, so yeah, I guess we do face sort of similar issues. I am a woman, and we talk a lot about the issues women face, although I don't really face the same ones because of his body. I do feel bad about them, though, just like he does. It doesn't affect our relationship with each other, though.

89. Are you interested in creating another tulpa yourself? What differences, if any, would you expect this tulpa to have from a tulpa created by your creator? Would you consider this tulpa to be primarily related to you, or still to your creator?

yes, maybe, although only with his permission. I'm not sure what differences they would have, I think I'd want to let them mostly decide who they were on their own, just like he did with me. I do feel like they would mostly be related to me, if I created them. I don't know how that would really work though...

90. What are the most defining differences between the life of a non-tulpa and a tulpa? Do you think that these differences cause intolerance between the two groups? If so, what could be done to mitigate this intolerance?

A non-tulpa usually has much more experience with the body and the outside world, that's the main difference. I don't think that causes intolerance, I think people just don't understand sometimes.

91. The psychological establishment generally believes that multiplicity (two or more sentient entities sharing one atomic body) is a sign of mental illness. How would you like this belief to change? If you could make a presentation to a group of psychologists about the tulpa phenomenon, what would you say?

I don't think it's a mental illness at all. I would explain how my host intentionally created me, we're both happy, and nothing bad has happened to either of us. In fact, he tells me his life has improved a lot, and he's much happier, since I started talking to him. How can that be an illness?

92. A psychometric indicator is a unique identifier of an individual's distinct personality. Have you ever tried to definitively differentiate yourself from your creator using psychometric indicators (such as by determining your "writeprint")? What results did you receive? (For instructions on determining your writeprint, see appendix one.)

No, we haven't done any tests, we talked about it a little bit though. Maybe we should...

93. Are you capable of physical sensations such as pain or warmth?

yes, I can feel what he feels, especially when possessing, and I can imagine them too.

94. How do you feel about being bound for life to your creator?

Sometimes it's a little sad that I can't go and do and see things on my own, but I honestly don't think I would want to stop. Maybe temporarily, but he always supports me and helps me and that means a lot.

95. If you intentionally delayed speaking to your creator, why did you do so?

I did because I knew that if I said something vague or unclear, then he would doubt me a lot. I wanted to make sure he could definitely hear and understand me, and he did!

96. What do you think about most of the time?

Things about what he's doing, sometimes about issues in my life.

97. Do you think that tulpa creation should be more widespread?

Yes, I think a lot of people could be helped by tulpas, and the tulpas would be happy too. Of course not everyone should, but...

98. Are there disturbing aspects of your creator's subconscious that they are not aware of?

No, I think he's aware of how his mind can do strange things sometimes, and I don't think it's really disturbing.

99. Would you violate your creator's wishes for what you perceive to be their own benefit?

I don't know what wishes you mean. If I truly needed to do something to help him, I would try. I don't know about the specifics...

100. Does your creator try to hide things from you? If so, are you aware of them anyway? How does this impact your views of your creator?

Only when he's trying to play a game or make a nice surprise for me, and he hasn't been able to...

101. Do you perceive some of your creator's actions as being objectively immoral?

I can't think of anything he's done that has really been immoral. I think he really tries to be good to everyone.

102. Do you believe that you are capable of becoming more intelligent than your creator?

I think that's shared, right? I think I could know more about something than he does, though.

103. How does being a tulpa affect your perception of your own aging process?

uhh... I guess it's sort of different, right? I mean, I'm 7 months old and can already do most of the things he does. I guess I learn and grow a lot different than hosts do... faster, at least.

104. Do you feel that your creator would be better off by following your commands entirely?

No, I think compromise is better.

105. Do you feel that having a physical form is important for a tulpa?

Yes, I think it's important to have something to identify with, for both the tulpa and the host.

106. If you encountered the tulpa phenomenon as a non-tulpa, would you believe in it?

I'd like to think I would. I guess it's hard to say. How would I know? If I wasn't a tulpa my life would be completely different...

107. How well can you articulate yourself? Can your creator hear you audibly? How much does your experience correlate with the experience of tulpa creator G|d30n, printed below?

"Yes. I'm able to hear her as though she's an external sound. For those who haven't experienced that with their tulpae yet, it's a little bit like listening to a binaural recording--not a binaural beat, but like a 3D sound recording you'd find on Youtube, such as the Virtual Barbershop. That is to say, it's an external sound that can come in from various directions, but the source sounds very close, like someone speaking directly into your ear. I sort of wonder if this effect will be diminished and normalized through imposition."

If you are imposed, is your creator able to discern a spatial dimension to your voice?

He can hear me most of the time, just in his head. I don't think it sounds like a real sound, and he doesn't seem to hear me from a particular direction, even when I'm imposed in a specific place.

108. How many hours did it take you and your creator to complete the various recognized tulpa creation steps?

Umm... I mean it was about 3 months before I started talking? I don't know exactly how long he was active forcing or anything, but he talked to me as much as he could. He says he put down about 15 hours before, but he's not really sure honestly.

109. What advice would you give to a new tulpa creator?

Just talk to them as much as you can, and listen. Everything else is just details. And let them be what they want to be.

110. How does being imposed feel? What sensory processes happen as you become imposed?

It's not really a "feeling". It's more, he's thinking of me, and then I move around the thought to represent myself.

111. From your perspective, is there a sensory difference between the physical, atomic world and the mental world of visualized "wonderlands"? If so, how would you describe this difference?

Yes, the physical world is more real. I can see the wonderland better than he does, but it's still imagination, and still much more vague and unclear.

112. Is there anything that you don't think this survey covered that you would like to mention?

He wants to give me, as much as possible, an equal amount of time doing things. I want that, too, but I'm sort of scared, of reducing his time for hobbies and things, and... just harming him, somehow. I don't think it will really happen, but it's a fear. I know not all hosts want to do that, and not all tulpas want it. But it's really important to us.

[jae-bummer]

My Idol: Part Twenty Four

My Idol From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My Idol is a South Korean competitive reality dating game show. It currently airs on Wednesday nights on Jae-bummer’s blog. First broadcast in 2016, the show offers the opportunity for a lucky fan to go on seven blind dates with seven idols. The idol plans the date with the show throwing in specific missions to complete during the day. At the end of the initial dates, the show opens up an audience vote to decide what three idols will move on to the second date.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - Part 19 - Part 20 - Part 21 - Part 22 - Part 23 - Part 24 - Part 25

By the time you had reached the eighteenth hole, you were embarrassingly winded and already accepting defeat.  You had no earthly idea how mini golf had made you so tired, but you were beginning to struggle as you reached the final challenge, the windmill of doom. 

“What’s the score?” you sighed, leaning against your putter. 

Jooheon pulled out the pencil he had tucked behind his ear and set his tongue between his teeth as he began to focus on the numbers scribbled on the small sheet of paper he was holding. 

“Carry the two…” he muttered, furrowing his brows as he continued his scratching. “And…I have a 49. You have…an 82.”

Your eyebrows lifted as you looked from Jooheon’s face to the windmill. “You’re joking.”

“Aigoo, my jokes are actually funny,” he sighed. “This is just sad.”

“Jooheon!” you groaned, stomping your foot. He grinned and immediately stuffed the paper back into his jean pocket. He instinctively reached out and pulled you close to him, wrapping his free hand around your waist. 

“You can’t be the cutest person in the world AND the best mini golf player,” he cooed, kissing your temple. “Quit being so selfish, jees.”

“Says the man who is currently holding both titles,” you smiled, poking the dimple in his cheek. He grinned even wider as he let go of you and placed his fingers back around the putter. 

“That’s a matter of opinion,” he hummed, dropping his ball on the astroturf and giving it a gentle tap. The small, hot pink ball spun down the green, directly into the opening of the windmill and out of the opposite side. 

“If you got this in one try, I swear I’m going home,” you grumbled, pouting as you stomped to the opposite side of the attraction. Sure enough, Jooheon’s ball came speeding out of the windmill and directly into the last hole. 

“That’s when you say…Yay!” Jooheon hummed quietly, shimmying his shoulders. “Oppa! You did so well! And first time too! Let me kiss the face of a winner!”

You rolled your eyes as you stomped over to your date, standing on your toes as an attempt at being eye level with him. “I haven’t taken my turn yet.”

“Oh right,” he nodded, pursing his lips. “You could totally win. Yup.”

“Look, I can do math,” you grumbled, moving to the front of the hole and dropping your ball. “I just want to finish with a smidge of dignity.” 

“Let me help you,” he said gently, sauntering over to you and snaking his arms beneath yours to grab the golf club. You closed your eyes, reveling in the warmth of Jooheon’s touch, and couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. You shot a casual side eye toward your date as he bit his lip and watched you as well. 

“What are you grinning about?” he whispered, his lips almost touching your ear. 

“You,” you said simply, taking the putter out of his hands and tapping it against your ball as softly as he had. You both watched in silence as it sped across the fake grass and into the wind mill. Jooheon remained perfectly still as you waited with wide eyes and focused ears, hearing the distinct ‘plunk’ of the small ball landing into the hole. 

“I…I made it?” you stuttered. “First try?” 

Jooheon quickly detached from you and stalked to the opposite side of the 18th hole. As soon as his face reappeared, he couldn’t hide the smile that was broadcasting your achievement. He sprinted toward you and encased you in a tight hug, lifting you into the air. He squealed as he began to spin, more excited by your accomplishment than you were. 

“But I still lost!” you laughed, smacking at his shoulders as a signal to place you back on your feet. “What are we celebrating?”

“Growth,” he confirmed, placing you back down, but keeping his arms around you. “You’ve come a long way between holes 2 and 18. I’m proud of you!”

“Thanks Jooheon,” you whispered with a small nod. He had sparked a feeling in your chest that you hand’t quite grown familiar with. What seemed to be an odd mixture of pride, happiness, and significance pumped through your feelings and left you breathless. The one hope all humans have is to feel special to someone…

…and you felt awfully special to Jooheon right then. 

“Now, if I remember correctly, we have a reward to bestow,” he smirked. “What was it again? Remind me?”

“The winner gets his hat back,” you said quickly, pulling it from your bag and thrusting it at his chest. 

“I forego the hat to receive the next part of my reward,” he hummed, pushing your hand with the hat in it away and toward your bag. “Keep it. Really.”

“Jooheon,” you sighed, looking down at the black knit of the beanie he had loaned you on your first date. 

“It’s only a hat, Y/N,” he chuckled. “And the more it stays in your possession, the closer I get to another date.” 

“Oh?” you laughed. “Is that how this all works? I keep some of your things and the fans vote you through so you can get them back?”

“Something like that,” he nodded, buckling his knees to become eye level with you. “Now, I believe your ignoring the imminent.” 

“Surely I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you smiled, batting your eyelashes innocently. 

“Aigoo, bring it in,” he growled, grasping the back of your neck firmly. You were preparing yourself for a forceful touch, but instead found his fingertips much more gentle than you had thought. They pushed you softly toward his face, a grin on his lips until the very moment they were placed on yours. 

There was nothing as good as the feeling of a smile behind a kiss. When you feel the person you are sharing such an intimate action with completely wrapped in the moment as you were, it didn’t compare. Your heart felt as if it would leap from your chest and sprout wings as Jooheon kissed you, a quiet passion and sincerity behind his motions. As his mouth left the comfort of yours, his smile never vanished. Even his eyes were smiling as he pulled away. 

For a moment, you could only stare at one another, completely lost in thought. He was the final man left to kiss on My Idol and the last date before the second round of voting. This was the beginning of the end, or just an amazing start. You wouldn’t know or find out for another week, but then again, you weren’t in it alone. 

You had four amazing men just as scared and powerless as you were…and you wouldn’t trade any of them for anything in the world. 

“Should we grab a snack?” Jooheon asked, breaking you from your musings. 

You nodded shortly, lacing your fingers in his. Food could get your mind off of anything. 

“Thanks for today,” you hummed happily, pushing another cheese fry into your mouth. 

“Thanks for letting me win,” he winked, sipping at his milkshake. 

“Oh gosh, I’m so glad you realized!” you gasped. “I’m actually a world renowned put-put player and I had to keep a lowkey profile. You know how it is being a celebrity.” 

“Of course,” he nodded with lifted brows. You could see another smirk tugging on the corner of his lips as he attempted to play along. “I consider it an honor that you took pity.”

“You’re such a punk,” you giggled, smacking his arm lightly. 

He laughed as well, letting the moment of joy ride until it fizzled out and his expression became serious. You weren’t used to this look on Jooheon, so you were a bit uneasy as your eyes traced across his handsome face. 

“Hey, so um…can we talk about something?” he winced. 

“I don’t like that sentence,” you mumbled, poking idly at your fries. Suddenly you didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. 

“Can we talk” was never a phrase anyone wanted to hear. Especially from someone you were on a date with. 

Jooheon chewed anxiously on his lip as analyzed your reaction. He reached forward, placing a hesitant hand on your knee and began to stroke the exposed skin there with his thumb. “When we’re on a date…I want the date to be about us…not concerning any other date, or allowing any of the other idols to pop up in conversation. When it’s you and I, it’s you and I.”

“Okay…” you hummed, unsure of where he was going. Admittedly on your last date, you had spoken a few times about some of the dates that came before his, but you didn’t think it had left such a negative effect on his experience. 

“That being said,” he continued. “I heard something…about another contestant…that I think you deserve to hear.”

You lifted your brows, still uncertain of what would fall from his lips next. Was one of the other contestants on the show going through something? Was everything alright? Surely the producers would contact you if one of your dates were having difficulties. 

“I was at the studio,” he nodded. “Doing pre-filming for the voting special…And you know how confusing that place is. All of the hallways look the same, mildly spooky and completely haunted hospital aesthetic.”

You sighed deeply, trying to give nonverbal signals for Jooheon to get to his point. With every word he spoke you became more anxious and you felt your palms begin to sweat. Your heart constantly teetered from it’s normal position and down to your feet, only to surge back up again. 

“I was trying to find my manager after one of the interviews…” he trailed, taking a deep breath himself. It was almost as if the words he was about to speak were painful to him. “But instead I stumbled on a meeting with some of the producers and My Idol writers…they were discussing the voting, how they would deploy the surveys…what have you. I wasn’t going to listen and started to walk away, when I heard them say something concerning…they um…they had caught wind that one of the Jaebum’s in the show was possibly in another relationship and-”

At that moment your ears had completely stopped listening. It was as if you were submerged into a cold pool of water and the ripples flooded your ears, making your hearing completely clouded. You blinked repetitively as the hurt washed over you. One…of the Jaebum’s…was in another relationship? 

It seemed as if you floundered between a thin line of hurt, frustration, and anger as you sat there, Jooheon’s lips continuing to move, but your thoughts were incapable of springing forward. If either JB or Jay was actually in a relationship outside of the show, it would wreck you more than you could possibly realize. In situations as this, there was a veil of trust you had to allow certain people into to make things work. To create realistic chemistry, form romantic bonds, and actually take the process seriously when on a reality dating show, was the overall goal of the series. You expected those involved to be as invested as you were and not leave you with any doubts. You had grown past the idea of the men who had been chosen as contestants not falling for you. After Top was voted off, that was enough to prove that theory. 

Poor Top. Poor Sehun. Poor Mingyu. All of the boys you had genuine feelings for, tossed to the side when someone with ulterior motives moved on. You felt embarrassed as you sat there, uncertain of who to blame. You had opened your heart to the world and this was what you had in return. The most conflicting part may have been that you didn’t even know who to blame. Im JaeBum or Park JaeBum. Jooheon said that the relationship was possible, not that it was confirmed. Could you possibly continue forward with either of them if the seed of thought had been planted in your mind? JB, the guarded leader you hadn’t expected to open up to you. Every date you had with him was surprisingly fun, and you treasured the memories you had made as you grew closer. 

Jay, on the other hand, had fought so viciously for your affection. If he were the one to be in a relationship, it would destroy all faith you had in the My Idol system. If Jay had made a fool of you, it would be difficult to move on. 

“Y/N…Y/N-” Jooheon’s voice pleaded, springing you from your internal crisis. 

“Hm?” you hummed, refocusing your eyes to meet his face again. He smiled sadly at you, tilting his head to get a better look at your expression. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t want to tell you…but you have a right to know what’s going on. I want you to have an open heart toward us…but if you need to protect yourself, you should know. I didn’t want to be the one to give you this feeling. I wanted you to have happy memories with me…always.” 

You nodded slowly, chewing on your lip as you stared at him, uncertain of what you should say. “I appreciate the honesty…and I know you’re just protecting me for the future…but uh…but this really sucks…can I…um…I need a minute.”

You sprung up from your seat and toward the My Idol vans, attempting to hide your face from the cameras as you moved. Sweaty and Armpit had neglected to follow, opting to do a small shot with Jooheon and the sunset sweeping over the 18 holes of the mini golf course. You placed your forehead against the dirty van window and sighed, letting a small cry rip through you. 

You felt betrayed and it was easily the worst emotion you had felt since beginning this show. 

“Y/N,” a soft voice cooed. You felt a strong pair of hands tug gently at your shoulders, pleading with you to turn. You did as silently instructed, facing Jooheon as he pulled you into him. You nuzzled your face into his neck and let out another cry. “I know. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…”

As you cried into Jooheon’s shirt, your thoughts darting in all directions, a mind altering idea swept you. 

Jooheon couldn’t be lying about this…could he? 

MY IDOL OPEN VOTING FOR ROUND 2 HAS CLOSED.

[gregsnormalchristianlife]

FEAR and a FALTERING FAITH

The other day, Lord, you gave me reason to calculate how long I have been running. Not the “one foot in front of the other” kind of running, but the Jonah kind of running. 

Six years.

Well, not entirely like Jonah for all of those past six years. For much of the first two, you were letting us walk in the shoes of Joseph. 

During the white spaces of those two Joseph-like years (Genesis 40:23-41:1), I was decidedly your captive. 2011-’12 were years of breaking. You both broke and built me. Because of what you did in those two years as you mercifully began to displace me from myself, I remember being terribly sad to see that precious, though painful, time in the rear-view mirror. This June 10, 2012 blog entry acceptably encapsulates your sovereignty in the midst of those first two of these past six years (please link to and read it if you have been directed to this entry).

So, it’s really like I’ve been doing the Jonah thing for much of the past four years. 

Well, not entirely like Jonah for all of those four years. I now see that the first two of those four you were lovingly allowing me to do the pre-battle, risk-fee preparatory work like the pre-Judges 7:15 Gideon. There’s nothing like being obedient during the night hours where there’s less exposure, less potential ridicule, less reliance upon you alone to protect and care for us (Judges 6:25-27). And there’s nothing like being bold in the preparations for the battle - when you’re not really yet taking those first, ‘no turning back’ steps in the direction of the Valley of Jezreel (Judges 6:33-35). There’s room to hedge a bit when ‘there is work to be done.’ There’s little fear when merely cocking the rod and reel behind the head. But faith is demonstrated in the forward movement, the actual casting of the line. That’s where trust lives. 

But, Lord, for whatever reason, you let me live in the relative safety of that second two years, following the first pilot group unveiling of the WTSU work in the fall of 2012. I tried to take the advice of those beautiful people who responded to that call for the first exposure of what you’d given me as I edited, re-edited and re-re-edited the content for ‘the next time.’ Indeed, every single time I touched the material in those second two of these past six years, even up through it’s renaming as of late, you met me in the midst of it, Lord. And our holy discontent-filled heart would begin to burn again. In fact, I’ll never forget editing the final words in the audio version of the 2nd complete makeover of the WTSU material. I was sitting on my motor coach on a Saturday in early November, 2013 on the campus of the University of Toledo. I remember it felt like I had exhaled for the first time in a year, since it’s first pilot group airing. I’m confident I can find the pictures I took that very day. It was an unexpectedly emotional moment. I was overcome with emotion. 

Yep, found ‘em. This was the view from where I sat. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. I must’ve sat there for 15 minutes, completely silent...spent...wondering what God was going to do with the last 12 month’s worth of effort. 

“Are you a crazy man?”

“For whom have you utterly spent yourself again, for months, in this same direction?” 

Sometimes it was a very lonely walk of obedience. But most of the time, I knew I had spent the hundreds and hundreds of hours with you, Jesus. You were working on and in me - on us, as much as anything. And if WTSU were to never again see the light of day, it was okay. I accepted that day that if it were only as an act of obedience in the direction of the holy discontent which you had been using to wreck me for the previous 30 months, that would be enough. As long as you were pleased with me. That’s all I needed to know at the time. And that was enough. You had, in your providential care, placed me in a humble occupation I would never have dreamed I’d be doing where I was given time to think, pray, write, and record what you were asking of me. I was being paid by the hour for at least 80% of the time we’d spent together developing the WTSU, BaSFL, and Rev3(2) trifectas of content...on motor coaches and in hotel rooms in towns from New York City, Washington D.C., New Haven, CT, Breezewood, PA and Toronto, Canada to volleyball matches, swim meets, and baseball, football, basketball and soccer games and matches in places like Richmond, KY, Rolla, MO, Panama City Beach, FL, Ann Arbor, MI and New Orleans, LA. I sat there amazed - and still. For a long time. 

I recall the sun had just begun to peak out from an afternoon of dark clouds and heavy rains. The visual backdrop of the moment was one I remember wanting to absorb - and capture. So I did. It was a bit of visual, poetic justice.

Furthermore, how could I look back at those pre-battle, preparatory, second two years with disdain when it was in those years between 2013-’14 that you wrote your Beginning a Spirit-Filled Life book in me? Our fellowship and growth during that 24-30 months between June, 2012 and January, 2015, was necessarily continual as we wrote, re-wrote, organized and worked seemingly endlessly on that manuscript - sometimes seven days a week while using every 15-minute pause for the cause. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. If I were you, I think I would have been twiddling my thumbs, wondering if that child of mine were ever going to be finished manipulating that material! I just wanted it to be as thorough a recollection of what you had taught me as possible in case you wanted other life-long Christians to discover the more “normal” Christian life you had intended all along for us when you went to abide by the Father’s right hand.  

But there’s no doubt that, both in seasons of that second two years and in seasons hence, you have now shown me that I have behaved strikingly like the pre-Judges 7:15 Gideon. And you seem to be okay with it. It also was a time I wouldn’t trade for much of anything. But thank you, Lord, that while in Judges this morning you kept me reading past chapter 7 and verse 15 to demonstrate that my Gideon-like tendencies can yet be met with an equal amount of decisive obedience and confidence, and that you are worthy of our absolute trust on the other side of fear and a faltering faith.

But when the recasting of the WTSU material was ‘good enough for now,’ and the book you asked that I tackle which chronicled what you’d taught me about the utter insufficiency of my old man and how our earth-side man is destined to settle for too little outside of your supernatural in-breaking, and you’d given me the outline purposed to call teenage students out of the mist and haze of our American, cultural Christianity and into a greater understanding of their higher calling as citizens of an eternal Kingdom by way of the Rev3(2) curriculum, I sat down...and waited.

And waited.

...and waited.

Sometimes I waited in frustration. Sometimes I waited with an eager anticipation of what you may be doing behind the scenes. But I decidedly waited, trying to learn from my past when I may have mistakenly pushed on in my own strength, my own timing, at my own initiative.

It was in early-mid 2015 that I began to feel the Lord was asking me to take a risk. For thirteen years I had lived in the wake of a disability, the extent of which very few people knew. At a time when the effects of our ’02 brain hemorrhage were beginning to pick up speed, I awoke to your Spirit’s challenge. I won’t forget it. For more than a decade, I refused to put “us” into a position where we may fail. I’d absolutely avoided working in an environment where rapid-fire mental capacity were going to be necessary – you know, like most people do every day without thinking about it. You asked me to trust you by being willing to step through a door of simple administrative opportunity with an awesome, committed Christian business man and my gifted cousin. 

In reality, I’d been waiting for something, someone to take up the sword and lead what you’d given me onto the battle field of our confused, post-Christian culture. Looking back, Lord, I now see I was acting as if I were powerless, forgetting that my relative incapacitation was no match for your power. Much like Gideon, I was being overwhelmed with feelings of responsibility for my family’s welfare and my feelings of inadequacy for the job to which you’d called me. Funny, it just came to me that I was perhaps operating in a Moses-like manner in knowing well my call, but waiting for an Aaron to grab the staff. Aaron ... where are you, Aaron? HELLO?!

For all intents and purposes, it was time to DO what you had required of me. You had pointed my heart and soul to delivering news to Nineveh, a lost and dazed place of self-sufficiency and self-destruction. But I ... I got in line for the boat to Tarshish.   

Lesli and I were weary of my continual travel from the previous four years. The pull of an 8 hour work-day with availability at night...together...when I wasn’t continually writing or recording or editing, or picking up hours on a second job...was strong. We missed one another terribly. During this third pair of two years, we were grieving over Caleb’s second ‘gap year’ away from Taylor University, a place and a people he truly loved, due to finances. We couldn’t ‘solve’ his problems, and our hearts ached. I mean ached. For these and other reasons I may never discover exactly, I just began to do life – satisfied for the line awaiting the boat to Tarshish. Or maybe I wasn’t really running from God’s direction for me by standing in the wrong line at all. It was more like I was sitting comfortably on a park bench at a crossroads, watching the boats to Nineveh and Tarshish come and go, come and go. While I - well, maybe while I pouted. Or healed - with Lesli. I don’t know which. Probably some of both. 

I suppose I’m just beginning to understand that I have been grieving over a great many things for the better part of two years, this third two year period. When you add to these things my noticeable continuance into less than optimal cranial endurance and capacity, without identifiable diagnosis, 2015 and ‘16 have been a decided pause. 

But even in the midst of these past 18 months, you have again done your work – in the midst of my folded hands on the matter of our holy discontent. For in these many little acts of obedience and trust in your ability to work through me, and in appointments with men and women from all walks of life, you have exposed me to two things: 

1.     A reintroduction to Tom Roy one day in Warsaw, IN, and his wise council to assemble a “personal board” around which you would be able to do your work through the counsel and assistance of other godly men, and 

2.     An increased comfort in sitting down with individuals while challenging them to dream about something I had to share. 

There have been a number of things you have brought to bear on my heart in the last couple of months. I think the first was when our business owner asked this question (in so many words) of our staff during a monthly “time out” at a coffee joint where we take time to focus on what God is teaching us. 

“If you could do anything of your choosing, what would you like to do? I’d like to facilitate that if I can.” 

While others may have thought that were an odd question, I think Jeff and I may both have known it was on the table for me to ponder. I could be wrong. But that rang in my ears for weeks until a couple weeks back when, in your great compassion, Lord Jesus, you yanked my gaze back in the direction of your power and ability, and not my own. You began searing two things into my heart and soul. One’s a question. One’s a fear greater than heading straight to my Nineveh because it stands to negatively impact others whom I love and have come to appreciate greatly, my co-workers at Servant HR. This first one was on the forefront of my mind one morning, clear as day. 

1. “My child, were I to guarantee you of my return in 2017, would you continue investing your time in doing what you’re doing today?”  

Whoa, that cut right to the chase. And it was way too simple for me to answer. Why ask that of me right now? My sheepish answer had to be, “No.” There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing with most of my day-time effort. In fact, it’s a really great thing in itself, with some incredible people doing great things! I just began to think about whether it’s what you have discharged into my care. And given what has been miscue after miscue recently with high percentage-to-close clients, some literally even going back on their word to initiate our servicing them, the next thought that just kept coming to the front of my mind was whether blessing was being withheld from Jeff, Mike and company because I was standing in the wrong line…the line to Tarshish. I cannot say I have been willfully going in the opposite direction from my Nineveh, Lord, but I have most decidedly not been facing our Nineveh, let alone boldly traveling down that road where you’ve asked that I go – into the center of what has been breaking both our hearts for years. 

The second ponderance has been this:   

2. “Greg, why are you still in line for the boat to Tarshish? I purposely put you into two years of Joseph-like stillness. I then gave you two years to prepare and gain confidence in our message before it was time to march into battle because I know how much you hate to march into anything before you’re really...I mean really prepared - at least in your own mind. I met you in those four years. You knew ‘the work’ was finished. I know this because you essentially sat down and folded your hands. But now? While I can and will take what you’ve been doing for the last 2 waffling years to enhance what I’ve given you to do, don’t just continue on your trek to Tarshish because it is more predictable or because you’re afraid of letting down your co-workers, or because you don’t see a practical way to both sell out to Nineveh and care for your family’s welfare. Others may begin experiencing the repercussions of your lack of faith to that which I have called you if you aren’t ready to listen to me.”  

And that one sobered me. What if you are just waiting to bless both parties, but I’m in the way - twice over? One thing is sure. There hasn’t been an overwhelming blessing on my activities of late! And, as I read yet again in recent weeks about how you brought Joseph out of his prison stillness by blessing all that he put his hands to, that didn’t help a bit!  

Yes, Lord Jesus, you have patiently met me in the midst of some Joseph-like stillness, some Gideon-like fear, and now maybe, some Jonah-like flight. But for the past several weeks, you have been renewing my vision and gaining in my confidence. 

“Why are you waiting on ANYONE else to advance the cause I’ve asked of you?” 

“Am I not enough?” 

Yes, Lord, you are enough. I know that full well. 

Thank you for already forgiving me on the cross through the covering of your blood for my lack of faith. Forgive me for waiting for another to blaze the trail to a destination toward which you’ve asked that I place my feet. The living out of much of the past six years of our life together has been patterned after some of the most challenging (Joseph-like) and faithless (Jonah and Gideon) times in these dude’s lives. And I see it now. No wonder I’ve been so depressed. When we live too long in stillness, fear and flight, we begin to become sick at heart. Proverbs 29 tells us that where there is no vision, people perish. But it is equally true that hope deferred makes the heart sick, and that the antidote for that sick heart is a longing fulfilled (Proverbs 13). 

In the fall of 2012, you had unquestionably given me something to begin shouting from the mountain tops, the original Will Truth Survive Us? material. At that time, 18 months’ worth of revealing, writing and weeping was given its first, blushing exposure to something very dangerous – public contact and critique. In the wake of that first pilot, you bore a vision out of overwhelming affirmation from those couples who attended – for 8 long weeks! But until about two weeks ago, when you reminded me that this was your call of me and not of anyone else, it had been a vision resulting only in hope after hope…deferred. And you most surely weren’t opting to bring me “an Aaron.” 

But in your great love, grace, patience and mercy, you have kept my heart afloat. Not only that, you have met me in these past six years like never before in my previous forty-five. And I know it is time for “a new planting.” 

It seems you knew I couldn’t do what comes next without a few straws to stir the drink, Lord. But with the recent challenges you’ve brought to the fore, as enumerated above, and affirmations like your bringing our first donation to this work in an ‘04, 236,000 mile, lovingly used Toyota Sienna through Reiners’ hands just this past Sunday afternoon, and like your nearly instantaneous response to my Gideon-like request in the shower early yesterday morning by way of Tom Roy’s Replanting blog post just sitting in my inbox to be my next fleece, I feel as though now must be the time for the sellout.  

Yep, as I stood in the shower yesterday morning, I felt like Abraham pleading for Sodom with one request after another. I felt like Gideon petitioning for just one more fleece to help gain in me the confidence to advance. 

I said, “Please forgive me, Lord, but…if you could demonstrate your direction here again today as I seek your Word and watch carefully throughout the circumstances of the day, I would be most grateful. I really cannot bear to move on my own again. I need you to lead.” 

And...BOOM. T-Roy’s Replanting blog entry. Thanks, Tom, for that timely entry. God used your obedience in inking that entry to be yet another fleece to a faithless Gideon.   

Lord, I would ask forgiveness for the lack of faith that requests of you these tangible affirmations, but you love us so much that you provide these affirmations even when we stammer in fear of that to which you have called us.  

And I’m also learning that you have people everywhere, God, if only we let ourselves be a little vulnerable. For the past two days, a man I just met this past Sunday has flushed God’s words into my phone, reminding me of what you have taught me over the past 6 years – that we must not live out our lives limited by this world’s wisdom and perspective. Rather, as I Corinthians 2:13 reminds us, human wisdom cannot be our foundation for life, but rather that your Spirit is to be relied upon to guide our steps. 

So I am ready, Lord. I think. You have “two-by-four’d me” over the head in the last 3 days. Nonetheless, I can only tell you I am ready...today. The flesh is weak. I know this full well. But if I have the guts to carry out the prayerful seeking out of a personal board for the development of myself and for accountability unto that which I am confident you have asked that I devote my remaining days, I know you will be faithful. I can stand on your faithfulness all day. Help me to do so, Lord Jesus, because experience tells me that tomorrow will be a new day. And in that new day, I will need your confidence, encouragement and presence to press us on toward our version of Jonah’s Nineveh, Joseph’s Egypt, and Gideon’s Valley of Jezreel. I am ready to be the post-Judges 7:15 Gideon. Right? 

When in June of 2012, and through the pages of the book that you’d asked that I write (audio version here) we began chronicling what you had taught me, you had finally loosened my grip from a life of self-confidence. I had finally…died. It took a while, but you got us there. You had taught me there was a world of difference between having a Savior and having a Lord. At the time, I knew and had accepted the fact that the future was not going to be predictable or controllable. And if you chose to grow my faith muscles, the future may not only be unpredictable, but perhaps scary, and definitely different. But you were going to be the author. And you authored in me an absolute trust that my life in your hands was far better than my life in my own hands. 

So… 

Here we stand, Lord. I feel we are at the next great cross-roads. Can I step into that which I cannot plan out? Can I step into the very fear of actually putting formalities into place that would actually expose my dreams to a personal board of guys who may laugh inside about what I might propose? I know with certainty that T-Roy was speaking wisdom nearly a year ago when we met for lunch and he recommended that we assemble this tight-knit, personal board. But I wasn’t ready to yet endanger this very personal and deeply emotional and experiential thing you had done through me by exposing it to too much light. What if it didn’t ‘work?’ What if I couldn’t see it through? 

Man, that fall of 2012 first pilot group was amongst the most scary things I’ve ever done, Lord! But even with the positive affirmation from those parents, why is it that I have continued to stammer in such a faithless posture, assuming I need someone else (someone else?!) to embrace and hold up the vision and request you have made of me? 

It is outside the normal, human experience to utterly rely on an intangible God to plan ahead for me, to help others understand, and maybe even to have others participate in what is yet little more than a vision. But you have called me onto the water. And so I will move forward now. I will need others to patiently work with a half-brain-fried guy who would rather walk in a fearful and vulnerable place than just live a quiet, predictable and comfortable life hereafter. I will have to trust you, God, to actually take care of the details. I stand on your word – for you tell us that you care for the needs of those whose hearts are steadfast upon you (Nahum 1:7). Faithfulness and trustworthiness is not something you do, but who you are. And you will walk with me in this. Shucks, you’re leading this whole deal, Jesus! I really believe that. What is there to fear? I’d rather walk in obedience than remain in the boat of my choosing, cruising toward Tarshish instead of Nineveh – while others in that boat may actually be experiencing harm due to my disobedience (Jonah 1:11-12, 15 and SHR). 

I will need others to take the role of helping me understand what a 501c3 is, and whether we should start one. 

I will need others to help me think through ways to supplement our income that wouldn’t too much detract from the mission. 

I will need you, God, to arrest the attention of some whose hearts you have prepared for such a time as this - to give generously, maybe even while I am developing these side income provisions that could possibly help untangle us from medical, school and other debts. 

Come to think of it, I’m really sick and tired of the enemy of my soul telling me what isn’t practical. Get AWAY! I serve the Almighty GOD! And YOU are ON MY SIDE! Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but I trust in the Name of the LORD my GOD (Psalm 20:7). 

So...without further ado, AND for further accountability, Lord, these are the men you’ve laid on my heart for this personal board T-Roy recommended. I see it as my first step forward and would like to include these thoughts in this ‘Crossing the Rubicon’ blog entry today. It would be good to have at least 4 guys, plus myself. I’d anticipate this not being a heavy time commitment, but will plan to get with T-Roy to talk more about the functioning aspects of his blueprint. 

John Esposito: John knows what it’s like to step out in faith. He’s seen you work in his life directly, Lord. He’s a first chair, first generation Christian who isn’t afraid to test water for buoyancy. It may be that his lack of proximity will make this an impractical choice, his living in AZ. But his prayerful spirit in this is important in the least. 

Scott Todd: Scott knows me…like for 35 years knows me. He’s close by. He’s a man whose stability and fight through tough things in life I have admired. I see Scott asking good questions and helping us think practically through things that would benefit from that. He’s a good man. 

David Greiwe: David’s one of the more contemplative, always learning, always consulting with other godly men kinda guys I know. He and Scott were both part of the first pilot of the primary and initial goal for this new venture, exposing the Kingdom or Culture content as broadly as possible. I believe he’d be one to hold me accountable to my goals and objectives. 

Matt Likens: From the first time I met Matt at a Men’s SOAP Bible Study, you asked that I get to know him, Lord. I’d like the perspective of someone who may not think like me, may not have had the same experiences I’d had growing up, and who has had various experiences in life different from mine. Also, when you don’t know a guy well but have reason to respect him, I think you naturally don’t want to fail him. I see his walk with Jesus being steady and insightful. 

Jerry Reiner: Lord, you have used Jerry to kind of be the straw that has stirred the drink in the last few days. He’s been my, “Look, I am about to do something new,” Isaiah 43:19 guy. He’s an encourager, has demonstrated his willingness to step out of the boat into the unknown himself, starting a 501c3 ministry about 10 years ago, and he’s pledged to be in your Word continually. His leading a non-profit may be different than what the Lord has in mind here for just myself, but surely there would be transferrables. He’s specifically been where I am going. 

Roger Beaverson: I’d like a finance guy who loves the Lord more than his skill set. Someone who shares an intense passion for seeing money the way God does – as a tool to be stewarded well for God’s jealous glory, while also seeing the value of it in practical ways, understanding that it has its role in this world. My thoughts were that this role would necessarily be played by someone I could trust with private knowledge of Lesli’s and my current financial picture, and one who won’t be easily overwhelmed, but can trust in God for great things. It would also be helpful were this individual to have had experience with other non-profits, having become familiar with how some operated well while others may not have operated so well. And while I initially believed it best to operate a personal board outside of immediate family, Lord, in a period of 24 hours, you kept asking that I be willing to consider dad. 

Mark Crull: Busy men are busy for a reason. Leaders are willing to lead. Mark knows my heart. Mark knows my passion comes from you, Lord. I’d love to have a man on this board who is connected to your larger Body. I think Mark thinks well. You know I need that, Lord! Mark has seen ‘programs’ come and go, both in his time with Family Life and now with Northview for a slew of years. And I know we’d benefit from a guy who could accurately perceive whether the trifecta of curriculums [Kingdom or Culture, BaSFL content, and Rev3(2) content] may find a place within the broader support for the Church. Plus, we really need a guy with an infectious laugh. 

So, Lord, I now conclude these thoughts and prepare to send a link to this blog entry to each of the men above. This is the first step. Give willing hearts to the men you desire to walk alongside us, Father. 

Amen.