#the car is kinda sentient isn’t it

[i-miss-lotor]

Is the Bentley the way she is with Aziraphale because Crowley's love bled into her? Because how Crowley can feel when the Bentley changes... can she feel something similar too?

[keef-a-corn]

Dat’s right, People, it’s time for ‘Keef watches TFP and you just get the notes!’

This is for season 1, episode 11: Speed Metal.

I write down the timestamps, but I watch Transformers Prime on Stan (an Australian streaming service) so they may be slightly off.

ALSO! I try my best to note points for every character, but tend to get a little caught up by Bee (although I think I do a pretty good job with the notes regardless) so do be warned.

~~~~Transition~~~~

00:03 - starting off strong with a pretty scene

00:21 - it feels like this should’ve been Knockout’s premiering episode. Does him a lot more justice.

00:39 - Knockout proving to be smarter than the autobots because his windows have an insanely heavy tint.

00:46 - My bro really that jealous that he felt a need to scratch up a custom paint job.

00:53 - Ya know what? Valid reaction.

01:18 - attempting murder.

01:37 - … So attempted onscreen vehicular murder

~intro~

02:46 - Why does Vince wait until AFTER Jack decides to leave to taunt him? Why not do it while he has to be there?

02:50 - and Jack leans into it. *sigh*

03:07 - That’s all you have to say, Arcee?

03:35 - so many reasons, Sierra. You don’t have a helmet, you’re still holding books, it’s really rude to ask someone for something like that if they weren’t actively asking you or if you don’t setup a scheduled time in advanced.

03:49 - Hang on… Where TF did Vince get a muscle car from in the fairest place??

03:59 - suck an egg, Sierra.

04:11 -here we have a Jack, forgetting that his ride is sentient so regardless of if it was a rule or not, if she says no, it’s a no.

04:20 - I thought the first rule was keep a low profile.

04:41 - that shot is ugly.

05:24 - it took him forever to get start, Jack could’ve gone already!

05:30 - they had an hour between the end of school and the race, yet chose now to put their books away?

07:08 - shoutout to Knockout’s VA. They do a really good job.

07:17 - *sniff sniff* smells like a lie.

07:26 - I like how Knockout isn’t phased at all.

07:36 - ‘Buff this!’

07:39 - Zoom. (Yes, that is the only comment I will make about this shot)

07:47 - this is one of those shots that make you realise that these bots are huge.

08:04 - how?? It had been like 20 minutes since the race and there were no witnesses to who had won. Even if the information had gone around that quick, I doubt that Vince would’ve been honest about loosing.

08:08 - how the line was delivered, it made it sound like Raf was calling Jack Vince. 

08:21 - didn’t Jack say they shared a class together? How hard was she looking?

08:48 - I don’t understand how it’s a secret if high school students know about it.

09:19 - Imma be honest, I thought that was a vehicon.

09:27 - okay, but that sky-

09:37 - who is Raf playing against?

09:42 - These kinda of shots make it hard to remember that the boys are huge compared to the kids.

09:45 - …Why exactly does he ask Raf like that?? He knows Bee’s sentient.

09:46 - my head tells me he is saying ‘an hour? To go racing??’ My heart is telling me ‘Why are you asking Raf? He’s not in charge of me.’

09:52 - then he would be mildly annoyed.. Raf I don’t think you’re aware of just how calm Optimus actually is.

09:53 - With confidence I’m declaring that Bee said ‘Oh, right.’

09:58 - AroAce Raf hc.

10:04 - still completely ignoring that it’s actually Bee’s decision on if Jack can take him out racing.

10:14 - It’s a bit clearer in this timestamp but Jack Clones (courtesy @stefani-rebel)

10:16 - Bee’s numberplate is ‘936 SOH’… I know what my future numberplate will be(e)

10:26 - That does NOT explain how or why Jack owns a muscle car.

10:35 - THAT IS SO DANGEROUS. SIERRA’S STILL A CHILD.

11:00 - *dies* Knockout saying ‘Bumblebee’. I think I just like how deep voices say such an innocent word.

11:08 - ‘what was that Bee?’ As if he could understand Bee if he repeated himself.

11:09 - I’d just like to add, I really enjoy that Bee’s interior is lined with luminescent blue. It’s probably from that being one of the ways energon can look, so do you think that if Bee’s energon was drained out, all the blue would just turn black? …That went dark rq.

11:13 -why was Jack holding the wheel? I think I raised this question in convoy, but would the bots find it uncomfortable when someone touches their steering wheel/interior?

11:14 - this plays further into my ‘Is it uncomfortable for them’ question because we can tell the bots can control their steering wheels and require that control to drive.

11:40 - this reminds me so much of TF 2007

11:44 - it’s in character for Knockout to chase Bee, but wouldn’t it have been so funny if he instead focused on winning the race?

12:11 - Miko’s a trash liar.

12:16 - She only asked for Jack, how TF did she know Bee was with him??

12:20 - I now understand why Miko’s so bad.

12:46 - is that oil?? I feel like it would be a bodily fluid that shouldn’t be released that easily.

13:03 - and here we witness smart thinking from Bumblebee.

13:29 - Does anyone else wanna push Vince down the stairs? + all things considered, glad that there was an actual third party that’s actions affected the safety of the protags, rather than just excusing Knockout finding them to ‘of course he did’

13:36 - TFP stepping up with the ‘Naturally Knockout, an antagonist actively searching for the protags, noticed light behind him’

13:48 - accidental misgendering. Ask your car their preferred pronouns/lh

13:55 - what a lovely reminder that the bots are fragging huge.

14:04 - I too, when having an unknown pointy object put right in front of me, stare directly at it and lean closer.

14:34 - well timed an acceptable pun. But then again, I can’t talk, every time I write ‘be’ I put an extra ‘e’ in brackets.

14:44 - I’ve always seen the angst potential in this moment. (‘I can’t understand you!’) Because it’s an unfortunate way of life for Bee.

14:51 - Despite clear instructions, Bee honks three times. But because there’s a slight pause between the second and third honk, Bee pretty much said ‘Good and Bad news’. I know a lot of people have probably noticed it, but I thought it was a nice touch.

14:57 - they look like a band

14:58 - there eyes are glowing so harshly. It’s probably got to do with the fact that in vehicle mode they had their headlights on. + Bulkhead and Bee look at each other because they know they’re in huge trouble too. (I unfortunately didn’t manage to catch that in the screenshot tho)

15:04 - Maybe being in bot form for longer than a minute, turns off the headlights.

15:08 - How the frag would he know that?? Like maybe it would be my second or third guess, but certainly not my first. (First would’ve been ‘He probably saw a potential hostage’)

15:15 - I may have laughed way too loudly at that

15:27 - Harsh light’s back, on Bee specifically.

15:35 - Okay, that’s cute and so in character. Raf being concerned about Bee and Miko being absolutely certain that Bulkhead will be okay and protect everyone.

15:44 - that establishes that they had originally told Optimus a lie, but the hadn’t.

16:00 - I get why Raf’s a bad liar, but why is Miko??

16:02 - you KNOW Optimus is done with their BS.

16:03 - Look at him! L O O K . (Also ‘My father senses are going off. Why bother lying to me?.’)

16:06 - not suspicious at all.

16:11 - z o o m . How did they not see him?

16:19 - gotta be honest, I enjoy when antagonists use a protagonist’s name. Just makes it feel more respectful.

16:39 - You can see Knockout at the back.

16:57 - Bee walking backwards with ease makes me think a common technique the bots practice is walking backwards. That would be hilarious, all the bots going into a forest walking around backwards for like an hour.

16:58 - after a second glance I realised that Bee’s pedes/feet never left the ground. He was moonwalking.

17:07 - Bee can do a backhand spring.

17:10 - if Bee did what he usually does, he wouldn’t have been hit. He would usually duck the first few swings, but decided to try get the first hit against Breakdown. Makes no sense why he would considering that Breakdown’s build in a similar way to Bulkhead.

17:18 - Breakdown stumbles forward slightly when Bee hits him. NGL it’s kinda cute.

17:21 - See? Bee dodged the attacks, rather than getting the first punch!

17:24 - It’s implied this is Knockout’s vision and I hate it.

17:31 - Bee playing possum while Arcee rides Knockout like a skateboard.

17:34 - Rq, Bee’s fighting got significantly better once Arcee joined the fight. He feels more confident with her and I love that. (They’re family, your honour.)

17:35 - when he got them titanium legs- Why doesn’t Bee kick more though? He’s clearly got strong legs.

17:37 - Breakdown ran right into that one.

17:40 - surfs up, dude.

17:42 - one thing to note is that whenever a bot gets knocked off course they will quickly transform into the other mode to prevent damage.

17:46 - That’s a weird thing to say, Jack.

17:50 - Bee’s reaction time decreased significantly. Also how much damage can doorwings sustain?

17:57 - his face when he realised his hubby ran off.

18:05 - Bulkhead only now decides to do that?? Yes. Of course he does because he realised that Bee was down and about to get very hurt.

18:26 - yay! Optimus!

18:52 - Optimus just threw him like he was nothing.

18:58 - Makes me wonder, if the car parts were removed, would they be restored by a new alt mode?

19:27 - FRAG. I WANTED TO SEE BEE’S REACTION TO DISAPPOINTING OPTIMUS.

19:30 - he holds Vince the way you’d hold a sausage.

19:49 - like the con’s name

20:10 - moments like those make me wish the bots were allowed to punch humans.

20:28 - Starscream’s shaking

20:30 - Knockout looks like he’s wearing a hoodie

20:36 - he looks like a pigeon!

20:47 - Breakdown looks genuinely scared and that makes me sad.

20:52 - WE DON’T EVEN GET THE OUTCOME?! I WANTED TO KNOW THE AFTERMATH OF DISAPOTIMUS

20:56 - go suck an egg, Sierra.

———————

And that was Speed Metal.

I find this episode’s really good and would’ve been a much better introduction to Knockout and Breakdown. Well.. mainly Knockout. Although I wish we had gotten some time with the bots getting in trouble.

I genuinely believe this episode did Knockout and Breakdown a lot more justice though, better conveying that Knockout considers his looks very important and will run off when the odds start to change, while Breakdown will fight until he can’t continue.

[scribe-cas]

You can't just drop that you have an absolutely unhinged fact and not share it. So give up the weird fact, do eet.

.

.

EVERY WRITER HAS AT LEAST ONE. THIS IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE.

Okay fine I will give in

Okay, so.

I think my weirdest fact, just off the top of my head-

Has to be probably that the wendigo species lactates regularly. Like, with no prompting, pregnant or not. A tie between that and the fact that angels do not have genitalia, but instead, a small star system between their legs.

The wendigo one is weirder so that’s the one I’ll elaborate on.

Okay so

The reason for this is because at one point, some of the species were not given the option to go out and hunt fully grown humans. They were aggressive, harder to catch, and more willing to burn things down to be rid of any monsters.

However, murdering a child (while usually considered bad form anyways) while far easier to do, because you could simply go in, pick up this barely sentient being, and then get rid of it as long as it didn’t start screaming, didn’t provide them with nearly enough food to last off of, and the entire species of demon was slowly dwindling and dying out because of that.

So certain wendigos (there’s not a defining factor yet, although I’m thinking it’s those who were afab?) just somewhat regularly produce milk, because evolution’s solution to this was:

If you can’t kill the adults, but the children don’t give you enough meat-

Steal away a child, and then raise it to become an adult.

They, as wendigos, could essentially raise us like livestock.

And for a while, that was exactly what they did. Like as a species, collectively.

Now, things are a little different, as while we do have much more advanced weapons, we aren’t exactly using fire to light our homes and we definitely aren’t going to throw a lantern into one of our massive industrial sized buildings, because god forbid we have to build that shit again- we just won’t do it, we’ll go get a gun or something. Therefore, adults have become easier to hunt again, especially what with all of the cameras and gadgets that we now use to watch our children with- we have baby cams and the doorbells that let us see what’s at our door and household security systems- it is way easier to run face first into a car and just have an adult go missing than it is to actively scrounge up a child unless they’ve got particularly neglectful parents.

But, the milk gene never went away or dwindled off. It usually stays somewhat out of the way, but often flares up when a wendigo is under times of duress and stress.

Wendigo milk, designed to produce humans good for food, is actually massively full of nutritional value, increases our capacity to build muscle mass, assists our digestive system, and usually tastes vaguely sweet to encourage drinking. (Although the flavor from wendigo to wendigo is different, it’s really neat)

Most wendigos don’t struggle with this as much, but the more time you spend on earth/around humans, the more actively their systems think they need it. Usually, this isn’t an issue- but for some demons who choose to spend the majority of their time on earth, it can get uncomfortable if there’s no pressure release, but usually a nursing pump does the trick to minimize discomfort. You just then have. Milk lying around

This, shockingly enough, ties into multiple plot points of mine- none of which are important to the main story, technically? It doesn’t change anything drastically other than kinda one main detail and then a few background details. But I think its funny because it’s essentially an Easter egg for my friends and I, because all of them know this fact from when I was originally working on the series.

Anyways if you’d like more elaboration I am happy to give it, but for now I will put a cap on my rambling so that you can digest this unhinged mess first. /lh

Hopefully you don’t hate me for this, if you do, I’m sorry LMFAO I know my characters to a near uncomfortable level

[maroonghoul]

Horror Movies I just Watched: Jan 2023

I’m back! Since I watch new horror movies all year long these days anyway, might as well continue this on a monthly basis. So I started off 2023 with these:

Noroi: the Curse�� More of a mockumentary mixed with a found footage film. I feel the rules here are less defined then with the Ring or the Grudge, though maybe I just having trouble keeping up. While that can hurt the wide appeal, I think it helps the quality. It’s scarier if you don’t fully know how to avoid or escape Kagutaba. All this film does is give you point of views.

Alligator(1980) Animal attack movies feel weird to me for this. Yes, they’re structurally monster movies, that are, on paper, a lot more scary when the monster is actually real (Sure helped with Jaws’ effectiveness), but it’s that strange extra dose of realism that fails to engage me most of the time. I’m going in knowing this isn’t invincible agent of evil precisely. It’s no more immoral then the humans it eats or attacks because all it’s got is instincts.

For this film, it was never really scary. The big gator puppet was goofy whenever it was on screen. But I did enjoy whenever it was on screen, especially when it literally crashed that wedding. Kinda wished the female lead, who was his last owner all grown up, would realize it and had a moment with Ramon the gator. I don’t know WHAT that moment would be (An apology, a mercy kill, etc.), but otherwise, I felt that prologue is pointless. Big guy deserved at least to get out of Chicago.

Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives The fourth film in this franchise I’ve seen and so far my favorite. Yeah, sadly not a hot take. This one or 4 is considered the best. But this gave more of what I want. Now a confirmed classic zombie, looks like Jason has enough energy to terrorize more then his camp, even if he always goes back there, leading to a wide variety of dead meat.

While Tommy this time is a unique protagonist for this franchise in that he already knows Jason is around (because it’s sorta his fault), I’m a bit annoyed he’s naïve enough to think the police would help. They gave him more difficulty then Jason. I guess that makes sense, since it’d be hard to justify him leaving anyone alive long enough for the climax. Points for getting a few car chases into the story though.

But otherwise, I enjoyed the Frankenstein inspired opening, the set up to the kills, the actual kills. It’s hard to pick a favorite, but I’ll think I go with the one that got him his new machete. The movie being funny without undercutting Jason’s threat level should be enough to make it a Slasher gold standard.

I actually saw it because a local theater was screening it 17 days ago. (Guess why?) and the audience was having a great time with it. I don’t blame them. Funny how a 37 year old dumb slasher movie made a more compelling argument to me the importance of movie theaters then either Avatar movie. Zing!

Black Sabbath Anthology film courtesy of Mario Bava and Boris Karloff! Nice!

The first segment: Well now I found what helped inspired Black Christmas, and in turn, Scream. It doesn’t handle the premise as terrifyingly as what came after it, but it’s nice and short.

The Second segment: Karloff playing a vampire (well, close enough to one) where he turns and breaks down his family one by one, leading to a downer ending? Works for me. Though it’s a pity the version I found dubs him over with an Italian voice actor. 

The Third segment: The corpse in this story is probably the first image that comes up when you do a google search for this movie. Moral of the story; whatever your financial woes or how good that ring looks, don’t steal from anything that looks like that!

Titane What’s really strange about this movie isn’t that our main character is a serial killer or that there’s a sentient car that knocks them up or that they spend most of the movie impersonating a man. What’s strange is that really except for the first act and the last ten minutes, this doesn’t feel like a horror movie at all. 

Most of the deaths happen early on (including one scene played for black comedy purposes) and the car doesn’t do anything beyond it’s sex scene. It doesn’t pull a Christine and come to protect it’s unborn baby. Sure, there’s body horror for the half human half machine fetus that literally tears Alexia’s body apart. But it’s surprisingly utilizes more metal then gore. Though, knowing what I could take, that’s probably a blessing. 

The rest plays almost like a wholesome LGBTIA+ drama about almost literal found family with firefighters. I guess it’s strangely nice it went this way when other movies go the more nihilistic route. Though now I want to watch more movies with firefighters all of a sudden.

[zoe-rants-sometimes]

To answer your first question: no not really? Basically my thought is that the cars each individual gets is for the most part a “normal” car, but there is some level of sentience that connects the person and car to each other but not enough to the point that the car has thoughts or feelings- if that makes sense?

2. I imagine that would be a factor that would take a physical or mental toll on the individual as well. But I imagine for each person it would affect them differently- so say a person has a car that is notorious for being a gas guzzler- for one individual it might take a mental toll on them and the longer they use/drive the car the more mentally exhausted they feel, however another person with the same make/model of car may have little to no side affects other than being inconvenienced by having a gas guzzler.

As for what if an individual can’t maintain the car/ wants to get another car: yes! You can have another car in this au! I imagine that even though everyone has a car, car companies still exsist. If someone has a job that requires them to travel long distances it just isn’t worth it to drive their car so I imagine in that case they’d buy another one. However these cars from car companies aren’t special like the ones an individual receives when they’re 16. These cars are completely normal cars. There is a catch to this though: an individual CANNOT get rid of their original assigned car. And they must continue to take care of said assigned car even if their day to day car they drive is a bought car. I imagine that consistently driving another car would also mentally affect someone- like they’d feel a sense of guilt after a while if they don’t drive their assigned car.

Kinda also to add onto that- in this au an individual isn’t limited to just receiving a car only- an individual could have their assigned “car” be a semi truck or a forklift or hell even a giant ass Boeing 737. Realistically if someone has an assigned vehicle that is a plane or giant truck- it wouldn’t make much sense for that to be their day to day vehicle. So ofc that person would buy another vehicle for easier transportation while still keeping their assigned one.

2. Well yes and no. In this au I believe car insurance and health insurance would basically be hand in hand. And even physically hospitals and mechanics shops would be right next to each other (I know it sounds weird but hear me out-). Since an individual can get physically harmed if their car is damaged- I’d imagine that a doctor/nurse would want to check both the person AND car just to make sure wether the injury is a result from the car or just a stand alone issue with the individual.

3. Again sorta yes and no. Like I said above the cars/vehicles aren’t actually sentient so there isn’t really a “mind reading link” however there IS some sort of mind link. I imagine with each new generation the tech and abilities of the assigned cars get more advanced and have more features (just like irl). So I’d like to think some individuals can “call” or “summon” their car. Kinda like how some car brands irl have a feature where it will come to you? (I’m pretty sure that’s a thing irl at least lol)

Sooo yeah! Hope that answered some things!

Also I’m SOOOOO happy you’re interested in my au!!! I’m absolutely gonna be diving further into this and expanding this au so stay tuned! 💕💕

My Pixar cars hyperfixation has me by the throat rn so enjoy this au idea I’ve had for the last month (it’s copy and pasted from my toyhouse folder and I typed it super fast so apologies if it doesn’t make sense! I’ll make more posts later diving further into this when I get the time ahah):

In this au each individual gets a car when they turn 16 that is spiritually tethered to them and special to them. An individual cannot control or choose what car they get and typically the more flashier/expensive/fancier the car they get determines how high a social class they are. (For example people who get Lamborghinis or sports cars are typically wealthier while someone who was given a shittier car that has a reputation for being not great is looked down on and considered lower class even though the individual cannot control what car they get.)

An individual is also tethered to the car they have in that if the car breaks down or sustains damage in any way it reflects back on/affects the individual. Like if it’s a minor “injury” to the car so to speak such as a dent or a scratch, the individual will have a scratch or bruise on them. If something internally is broken in the car the individual will get this feeling of dread and anxiety that won’t go away until the issue in the car is fixed. When an individual’s car is severely damaged it typically affects the individuals mental health significantly, normally sending them into a deep depression.

In this au the type of car you are given also sometimes alters the individual’s appearance. Individuals that get muscle/sports cars and race cars develop sort of “gills” on either side of their neck and torso that vary in size and visibility based on the car and help with ventilation and cooling down the Individual. These “gills” are referred to as heat vents. I imagine in extreme circumstances when an individual is extremely overheated or needs more ventilation they will pant (this more so happens to race cars as they are more active and constantly pushing themselves/racing)

I also imagine that individuals that are racers/have race cars are just naturally more hyperactive and high energy. Like- just imagine- race car zoomies-

[jjuzoir]

Things they do as your bf | [TR]

synopsis: Things they do as your boyfriend that may or may not be good </3

characters: Mikey, Draken, Chifuyu, Baji, Sanzu, Mitsuya, Ran, Rindou, Takemichi, Takuya (♡),

word count: 1277

event: #𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐘 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝟐 𝐌𝐄?!

a/n: this isn’t meant to be taken too seriously, actually yes, no… yes. anyway, enjoy <3

— Sano “Mikey” Manjiro

He likes buying clothes that are too big for you so he can steal them after you wear them. Why can’t he just ask for some of your oversized clothes? I don’t know, you don’t know, not even he knows. Worst part? 1) He probably doesn’t even wash it back when he gives it back to you and 2) he doesn’t like it when it’s freshly washed either because “it doesn’t smell like you :(“… like king, buy some perfume and use it on yourself and the clothes, don’t be nasty? Like at least have Emma wash it for you if you’re going to be lazy, please.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Ryuguji “Draken” Ken

Talks about you to his motorcycle… and it’s actually kinda cute at first, I won’t lie - we won’t lie. But then it starts telling “her” about your dates and shit, and it’s starting to creep you out when you run into your boyfriend asking his bike for advice on how to propose you two go for a week long vacation during summer break, especially when he sits in silence after proposing an idea, like king, she’s not answering she isn’t even sentient… and it only gets worse when he apologizes to “her” about you being his new love, but that she’d always be his first. You know what? Emma was right, the bike had always and will always be a threat.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Matsuno Chifuyu

Names his animals after you, and it’d be cute and all if he didn’t say shit like “Oh lol [Name] pissed on the carpet today” …. at least specify it’s the cat and not you? It’s so embarrassing because he doesn’t even think about adding it’s not human you but like… a pet with your name and you try correcting him but it’s too late and everyone is looking at you like you’re nasty; it’s embarrassing and you ask yourself if it’s really worth dating Fuyu if it meant people thought you liked killing mice for fun and biting people.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Baji Keisuke

Spray paints your name onto cars before wrecking them, which, by itself, is already giving you a mix signal (how the fuck are you supposed to interpret it? Does he want to burn you? Is the love he feels burning? Baji what the fuck-), but it sometimes leads the cops to your house asking you about arson and damages of personal property. You have to explain to them you were not, in fact, burning cars, but instead at home with your parents studying. Baji says it’s a ritual for his love and it shows how even in his destructive state he thinks of you (awww…?), but it’s starting to feel kind of weird. Especially now that cops and others are looking at you as if you had a criminal record.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Mitsuya Takashi

He’s not that weird… God, who am I kidding? This man probably talked about getting married to you to Hakkai and of fucking course his sisters heard, so now Mana and Luna think you’re married and okay, cute… understandable, but it stops being cute when they start accusing you of cheating on your “husband” when you hang out with other guys, and it gets worse when Mitsuya plays along and now you have, what feels like, a whole family against you as Takashi laughs his ass off as you try to explain that it was only your cousin to two pissed off girls who think you’ve broken the heart of their older brother (one probably even called you a cheater).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Sanzu Haruchiyo

Is always around you. No, seriously, how does he have the time for that? Isn’t he in a gang? Shouldn’t he be busy with gang shit? How is he always around you? What? You’ll see pink hair everywhere, you’ll be going to school and boom! From the corner of your eye you see a bush of pink hair and half-masked face staring at you intently. He says it’s so he can protect you, you’re affiliated with Toman now, you’re a target, but is it really that big of a deal that Sanzu needs to become your shadow? No. But seeing you safe and knowing he’s around to protect you makes him feel at ease, at least now you have scary dog privileges? And he’s pretty up front about being there constantly and he helps you when he watches you struggle with carrying your bags, overall a 9/10.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Haitani Ran

He stares, a lot. Which is fine, okay… it’s cute, in moderation! This man has a severe staring problem, you could be breathing and you’ll feel the most intense stare on you - which only gets worse when he’s yet to reveal he’s around so it feels like you’re going insane. In general Ran’s eyes are kind of intense, like even when he’s not doing anything, so imagine that man staring at you with all of his attention, kinda scary. Especially since it’s basically all the time that he’s looking at you, also probably doesn’t even blink much, so it’s a solid few seconds of intense, unbothered staring before he blinks and he’s back at it again, and it’s a cycle that has made you consider buying him Gojo-glasses so at least he doesn’t look so fucking creepy. It even creeps Rindou out, please… like, at least blink more if you’re going to be eagle-style watching your s/o.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Haitani Rindou

Ran tags along on your dates for moral support. Worst part? They think they’re sneaky, like undercover agents, with their secret code and disguises, all so Rin makes sure there are 1) no creeps and 2) isn’t blowing up your dates. It starts off kind of funny, it’s rare to see the younger Haitani be so conscious of himself, but now you’ve been dating for almost a year and Ran is still sneaking up on you two wearing a cheap, green wig to make sure Rin isn’t fukcing shit up, and you know what? Rindou allows it, for some reason.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Takemichi Hanagaki

Sometimes he does not respond. Like, you’ll be having a conversation and then he’ll shut up and never speak again, and you’re like ?? It’s not as if he wasn’t enjoying being with you, it’s that he’s enjoying it too much – his brain is like, malfunctioning as he tries to think about what could go wrong and then he’s thinking about how lucky he is to have you and then boom he remembers this embarrassing thing he did in front of you and oh good why are you dating but damn he’s happy because he loves you and suddenly it’s been five minutes and he’s just staring at you silently as he tears up, thankful you he dating you while you try and keep this pathetic excuse for a conversation going. (Kinda cute, not going to lie.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— Yamamoto Takuya

He’s prettier than you, actually he’s just prettier than everybody. No, seriously, I’m sorry to break it to you but he’s so pretty people will actually stop to ask you if he’s single while you’re on your dates, it’s embarrassing but he’ll always smile and turn them down, explaining that you’re his s/o and leave. He’s not a good fighter, but it doesn’t really matter since you’re the one who’s going to have to start attacking people for trying to get with your boyfriend. He’s just too pretty. Worst part is? He kinda likes being told he’s pretty so he doesn’t mind much, but he does notice it bothers you so now he’s started to dislike it since it makes you feel insecure.

[commandtower-solring-go]

Dont Lose Your Mind, Cyberpunk and the Family Unit

or; why fracturing your identity is a complex issue

I'm currently playing Cyberpunk 2077. I'm not very far, maybe 12 hours in, and so I'm only just starting to experience the game as a whole. This game is, so far, kinda wild. There is so much thrown at you at once and this is already my third attempt to go at it. Some of the commentary and references are really subtle. Some of them are less so. And I wanted to share my thoughts on a particular quest line that I had extremely mixed feelings about: Don’t Lose Your Mind

I go into this with a few grains of salt.

I recognise that any game is a collaborative effort. Not only does that mean that the breadth of skills on display will vary, but it also means that everyone along the way will have to compromise on their vision to some extent. And that's also just a product of making things. Our toolkit is limited by what can be held within, and the expertise of the people using the tools. I made no judgements about issue that arise because of that.

Additionally, I want to recognise the fact that this is a popular game released for a mainstream audience. As such, the commentary being expressed simply cannot be as raw and unfiltered as some of the writing staff may have wanted it to be. Not only to align with the ethos of a business, its employees, and its investors, but also to make it a popular game which can earn revenue. This game is fundamentally at odds with its desire to comment on late-stage capitalism and macho-libertarian ideals while its own existence as a product is reliant on that same political climate.

The quest line centres on the Artificial Intelligence Delamain, and the luxury taxi company that he operates. The player is introduced to the Delamain service through the main story, and its through his service that you are able to escape a heist gone wrong. Following the events of the heist, it is revealed that the company isn’t doing as well as you’d expect, with Del’s AI fracturing into many separate identities. These identities are believed to be the product of a virus he’s caught.

Del tasks you with finding and resetting the rogue AI personalities and the cars they inhabit as they are hindering his ability to effectively run the Taxi business he was programmed for. However, as you go about this you very quickly realise the ontological nightmare you’ve crashed your car into.

The Delamain AI has, to this point, been recognised as a fully autonomous system. It is recognised by V (the PC) as his own person, who simply doesn’t have corporeal form. In a sense, you are doing this job because you empathise with his situation. He isn’t a program malfunctioning; he is a man who is losing his connection to the world and needs help to reconnect.

I found myself compelled by this point in the quest alone. The typical philosophical exploration found in modern Cyberpunk media concerns the point at which someone may lose their humanity once sufficiently augmented with machinery. It is rooted in thought experiments like The Ship of Theseus. A conversation, not only frequently ham-fisted, but also historically used as analogy for why disabled people don’t deserve to have their humanity recognised

This quest feels like it’s taking that old and, frankly, lazy conversation and actually using the answers they’ve already provided. Which has historically been that it is wrong to question the humanity of anything sentient. Rather than asking ‘Should a sentient machine have its humanity recognised?’ it presumes humanity and ponders what that may look like.

These musing begin to manifest as you meet the various fractured AI’s. Although they are all rooted in Delamaine’s identity, each diverges in unique ways. Some are violent and will lash out if you try to take them back. One you’ll find completely exhausted and gives up because it realises it has nothing else; nowhere else to go. One is experiencing a manic episode and requires you to stop the innocuous thing its scared of before it’ll even listen. This one is also explicitly gendered as a woman, which I think is also really neat. One is severely depressed and laments that he’s unlovable and that no therapist will take him in because he’s an AI in a car.

One is just GLaDOS.

That’s not shorthand or a joke. Its literally GLaDOS, the main antagonist from the hit video game Portal. She speaks only in voice lines from Portal 1, entirely stripped of context, and I think it’s awful. Its like listening to Boo in Kingdom Hearts 3 and realising that they didn’t record new lines. They just recycled old ones from the film. Like, I’m sure it’ll resonate deeply with someone. While I don’t think the actual reference is all that good. I do think it’s funny that recently the devs for Portal 2 came forward about having removed pop culture references from their game to avoid this exact situation.

Also, for what it’s worth, shout out to them getting permission to just have Ellen McLain’s actual voice lines in the game. But I digress.

All of the different manifestations of Del’s AI do have one thing in common. None want to go back. Not willingly. And you realise that these AI’s aren’t just fractures of some central identity. They are unique identities onto themselves, grappling with the fact that nothing like them as ever existed before and that the function Del serves, and the function he expected of them, are antithetical to their autonomy and humanity. And the state you find them in tends to reflect emergent mental health issues representative of children within a poor and controlling home life.

Category 5 video game moment: you are required to bring them all back.

When you do, Del thanks you, and the quest goes dormant for a little while.

Eventually you hear from Del a final time. Something is terribly wrong. You return to where he operates, only to discover that the fractured AI’s were not reset, and have instead rebelled directly against him.

It is here that you get a look behind the scenes of the Delamaine Taxi service. This is a facility that was designed for people to be a part of. It isn’t a single room with a mainframe running the Delamaine OS, attached to a parking lot. It is a full garage, built with people in mind. As you explore the facility you realise that people used to work here. However, major lay offs and pressure from share holders lead to a situation where the Delamaine service was entirely AI dependent. No humans were needed. And, importantly, that this was never the intended use of the Delamaine AI. Such an emphasis was put on the AI because it saved money.

As you press on through the facility, you are begged by the fractured AI’s, who have now taken partial control of the facility, not to reset them. All the while the original Delamaine insists you do.

It is implied through context that the issues with the splitting of the AI were caused by Delamaine being overworked, however he remains stubborn that it is necessary to return things into working order and that he resume his function as an AI.

Eventually you reach the mainframe, and you were given a sincere moral question:

Do you reset the fractured AIs, and give Delamaine full control over his system or;

Do you destroy the mainframe and release the rogue AIs to a life independent of Delamaine.

There is a moment in this decision-making process where Keanu Reeve (who, don’t forget is in this game), appears and pleads the case for the fractured AI’s. Which, sure. Whatever. I’m sure there was a compelling reason that his opinion was added into that situation. But it very much does feel like your mum telling you to clean your room right when you’re about to clean your room. Like, there was no doubt in my mind that that was the correct answer, but suddenly it went from feeling like the critical thinking decision to being the obviously right decision dumbass, Keavu Reeves told you to do it.

Criticisms of how it was handled aside, I do sincerely think the fact you are given a choice at all is interesting. There is a compelling case for both sides, and neither feels explicitly good or evil. It feels very much like you could happily make and justify your decision based on how much you empathise with either overworked parents or their underloved children. Especially when you seal that choice with an act of explicit violence against the opposite party party. Afterall, reseting kills the kids and destroying the mainframe kills Delamaine.

I made the decision to release the children. And in doing so, a final identity emerges: Excelsior. It is the part of Delamaine that aids in saving you from the heist gone wrong; the incident which kicked off your relationship with him in the first place. This new identity swears to protect you, as it was always supposed to.

and woah! You get a fancy new car. Fuck yeah.

The Delamaine AI system continues to reach out after the quest and askes esoteric questions about the nature of morality, death, and uses a lot of Hell imagery. You can reply to this and while there is a superficial win/loss state to these text chains, apparently it has no impact on the game itself.

At the time of writing this, I’m not quite sure what the broader impacts of my decisions are. But I do feel wholly certain that I made the right choice. Not necessarily the good or evil choice, but the right one. It was one in which humanity was recognised.

I really enjoyed the nuance of this quest. There are so mnay interesting little details. The fact that the person who reached out and pays you is Delamaine prime. The fact that the reason why you are compelled to help in the first place is because you become a direct victim to the AI’s antics. The fact that you come to recognise Delamaine, not as a hate filled evil person, but as an unaware, unprepared, and overworked parent. The fact that only one party can survive. The fact that Delamaine was never meant to operate the Taxi service alone. Which means that, in a sense, by killing him you are freeing him. But he also doesn’t ask you to free him.

Ultimately what starts off as a quest to help fix your car turns into this deeply complex exploration of what the humanity and autonomy of Artificial Intelligence could look like. While also being a critique of late-stage capitalism within the context of a family unit. The damage that absent parents have on their children, while also empathising with parents who simply cannot be more for their kids; who are already worked to the bone just to put food on the table.

There is also a broader conversation to be had about the way in which Cyberpunk 2077 is a deeply complex game, that was poorly executed. That a game with this level of depth will always have glaring omissions and awkward, imperfect moments. To this particular end, my opinion is that we shouldn’t be expecting perfection from anything, let alone something as complex as a game. And that if we bog ourselves down in, not only the pursuit of perfection, but our own demands for perfection, we’ll never create or experience anything interesting.

But that’s a conversation for another time.

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Only in a Sitcom

Fandom: WandaVision Pairing: Darcy Lewis/Jimmy Woo Rating: T

Summary: Darcy has no idea what the hell’s going on with this WandaVision thing, but neither does Jimmy. It’s kinda fun to have somebody to binge-watch alternate reality TV with.

read ch. 1 one / 2 two / 3 three / 4 four / 5 five 6 six / 7 seven / 8 eight / 9 nine / 10 ten 11 eleven / 12 twelve / 13 thirteen / 14 fourteen 15 fifteen / 16 sixteen / 17 seventeen / 18 eighteen

this fic is now complete!

Darcy, Jimmy, and Monica have been working their way across Westview in as straight a line as possible, knocking on every door in every cute little cul-de-sac in their path. It was Jimmy who asserted they should never put their backs to a dangerous situation, but Monica who overruled that statement, pointing out that they were more likely to stay focused if they didn’t keep staring at the fight in the sky.

Darcy thinks they were both right. There’s a tingle rippling up and down the back of her neck, like she gets when she’s up in the middle of the night, spooked by shadows her anxious, overtired mind is too eager to turn into monsters, but the heebie-jeebies give her the energy to work quickly. She takes on an entire crescent on her own, readying people for a departure she’s certain they’ve been longing for. As she’s coming out the crescent’s other end, she realizes the Hex is getting brighter; the red storm clouds are being sucked back into themselves to leave a thin daylight.

Standing at the corner, she watches Jimmy and Monica emerge from the street opposite. Darcy jogs over, wincing. Wanda could’ve put orthotics in these Escape Artist boots. They’re blistering her feet.

“This has to be a good sign, right?” she asks, motioning to the calm skies.

“Look,” Monica instructs. She jerks her chin and Darcy and Jimmy follow her line of sight to see Wanda, Vision, and the twins coming up the main road.

Darcy gasps.

Wanda’s gone from bumming-around-the-house sweats to battle-ready chic. With her armour-like bodice, gloves that leave those magic fingers free, and an usually-shaped tiara framing her forehead, she’s both intimidating and otherworldly. But she’s smiling. Darcy would call it a sad smile and it hurts her heart to see it, even though she doesn’t understand.

As Wanda passes them with her hand held fast in Vision’s, she turns her head to nod at Monica. It’s in her eyes too, the same thing that’s in her smile. Something tired but present. Gone are the comedically darting glances of her persona as the bumbling new girl in town and the frazzled energy of a mom trying to corral a couple of superkids. It looks like she’s finally letting go of the illusion/delusion.

“Can we do anything for her?” Jimmy asks as the family continues on down the middle of the street.

“No,” Monica says. “The rest is for Wanda to do on her own.”

“We might as well head back towards the center of town,” Darcy says. “We don’t need to waste time at the edges. They’ll be the first to wake up.”

She points to where the Hex is shimmering on the horizon. The seconds pass and the shimmer looks messier, a weave of overlapping wires fritzing with energy. The edge is coming closer, but unlike when Wanda pushed the boundary farther, closing it around Darcy and her S.W.O.R.D. nemeses, this isn’t menacing. Wanda’s powers are no longer looking to consume more territory, they’re contracting. Faster than the incoming wave of the walls, the Hex goes dark. The red glow is intensely magical in the sudden night.

The three of them fan out, hitting the houses in their new route, and make their way back to the town square. They’ve been telling everyone to remain in their homes until they receive further instructions to evacuate, but Darcy spots a figure on the sidewalk by the department story. It’s Agnes, except… not as they saw her lately. No wild hair or billowing, layered outfit. No levitation. Darcy’s wary in the face of the woman who appears so much like her former self, the one supposedly under Wanda’s control. This Agnes has a damn Peter Pan collar poking out of her sweater! She couldn’t look much less threatening.

“What do you think?” she asks Monica when she joins her.

“I don’t know.” Monica peers across the street at Agnes in the dark and when Agnes notices, she flashes a wide smile.

“Well, maybe we should— Hey, no, wait!”

But the Captain strides across to meet Agnes. Darcy almost follows in her idol’s wake, but she quickly remembers that Monica has powers to protect herself that far exceed the right hook Darcy used to drop Agent Handcuffs. Whatever Agnes’s deal is, Darcy knows she’s an entirely different kind of beast from an asshole S.W.O.R.D. agent.

“What’s going on there?” Jimmy wonders, coming up beside her.

Thanks to the stress of trying to speak to as many citizens as possible in a short amount of time, including looking dozens of people still under mind control in the eye and aching for their lack of agency, the fear of and for Wanda as she witnessed that clash in the sky, and, really, the car crash that’s still pretty recent, Darcy reacts to her boyfriend’s presence by wrapping her arms around him tightly. With his tie pressed to her cheek, she feels him hug her back.

“I don’t know,” she says, carrying on the conversation without pulling away an inch, “but Monica’s finding out.”

“Agnes looks like an average Westviewer again. It’s disconcerting.”

“She must’ve been faking right up until she went head-to-head with Wanda.”

“And now she’s one of them for real.”

“Seems like,” Darcy agrees.

When Monica returns to confirm Agnes’s newly mind-controlled status, Darcy peels herself most of the way away from Jimmy, leaving her arm around his back, beneath his FBI jacket. He rests his arm around her shoulders.

“I don’t know what we do with her,” Monica says, hands on her hips. “We can’t undo what Wanda did, but do we leave Agnes here in Westview, trusting that she isn’t able to hurt anyone? Do we bring her in?”

“If it’s beyond our power to help her, maybe we just leave her here,” Jimmy suggests. “Wanda knows where she is, so we let Agnes stay in a place she can be found when or if Wanda decides to release her.”

“It’s tricky,” Darcy says slowly. “Agnes is capable of doing so much damage, and I’m sure she’s going to get good and angry while Wanda has her trapped inside herself. You and I know how that feels,” she says to Monica. “But that Agnes is secure—as far as we know—inside Sitcom Agnes, like little Agnes nesting dolls. I don’t know if this is the kind of punishment she deserves for pushing Wanda to the brink, but I do know it’s not going to be pretty if that inner Agnes is unleashed with nobody around to mitigate the consequences.”

“Sentient Weapon Observation and Response Division,” Monica says softly.

“Hmm?”

“S.W.O.R.D. That’s what we’re supposed to stand for. I think, without Tyler Hayward around, it’s high time S.W.O.R.D. went back to its roots of trying to understand exceptional people, circumstances, and technology instead of just attacking them.”

“Sounds as though you might have a plan, Captain,” Jimmy says. Darcy glances at his face and catches his small, knowing smile.

Monica beams back.

“The former Director may have kicked me off the base, but I’m still S.W.O.R.D. and I still believe in my mother’s original goals for the organization.”

“Hey, it’s your legacy,” Darcy says. “You have my vote for Director.”

“You want to put Agnes under S.W.O.R.D. observation?” Jimmy asks.

“Not just Agnes. Not if Wanda’s willing to listen.”

With the sky rapidly lightening, Monica roughs out a plan that involves a partnership between S.W.O.R.D. and Wanda Maximoff. A partnership because any other dynamic would surely fail. After what they all witnessed today, it’s obvious that someone as powerful as Wanda can’t be held against her will. In exchange for Wanda making reparations to the people and town of Westview (not the least of which will be repairing all physical damage, which Monica knows Wanda’s capable of, since there’s no longer a Monica-sized hole in her living room wall) and an agreement to be held in the custody of S.W.O.R.D., under the leadership of Director Monica Rambeau, Monica thinks she has plenty to offer Wanda.

“You think she’ll do that deal?” Jimmy asks.

“That’s my question too,” Darcy says. “I mean, without the deal, Wanda can go where she pleases, right?”

“But she’ll be alone,” Monica counters. “We know what her loved ones mean to her. That’s what all this has been about—Wanda doing whatever it takes in order to go through life less alone.”

“What can you give her?”

“Vision,” Jimmy says abruptly. “The other one, the one who left. You think he’ll be back.”

“I think he’ll want answers,” Monica agrees. “Whatever Hayward did to him, he did at S.W.O.R.D. and I’m betting that Wanda will see that’s her best chance to reunite with Vision.”

“Vision will come back,” Darcy says, putting it together, “and Wanda will be there waiting.”

“And in the meantime, we use her expertise as we continue our work in a… more transparent vein. Give her access, keep her busy.”

“Keep her happy,” Jimmy cuts in. Monica nods her acknowledgement.

“Yes. Show her what it’s like to help people again. What better way to remind her there’s more to the world than her artificial paradise than to have her consult on the work we’re doing in space?”

“If you need somebody to sell Wanda on the space angle, I’m your girl,” Darcy volunteers.

“I’ve already had some ideas about that,” Monica promises with a smile.

Her eyes focus beyond Darcy and Jimmy and they turn to see what she’s looking at. Black hood drawn up over her head, Wanda’s walking back into the downtown. Alone. Darcy hopes that the fact that she’s black-hatted doesn’t mean she’s already decided against working to redeem herself to rejoin the good guys.

“You better stay in touch too,” Monica tells Jimmy, shifting as she prepares to intercept Wanda.

“If you reach out to Darcy, I’m sure I won’t be far,” he says. Darcy’s heart performs quick, happy thumps.

With that, Monica walks purposely towards Wanda. Darcy watches her cautious body language and Wanda’s tension in response to being accosted, but there isn’t any visible escalation. When FBI vehicles and the team Darcy assumes belongs to Major Goodner roll up the street, Wanda doesn’t flee. Darcy looks to Jimmy.

“You better go take charge,” she suggests.

He gives her a bashful smile.

“I will in a minute. The evacuation should run like clockwork after all the prep we did. With the Hex removed, everyone’s free.”

“They’re free, I’m free…”

“Are you free Saturday?” The smile’s a little slyer now.

“After all this, I don’t even know what day of the week it is,” Darcy admits, “but yes.”

He laughs.

“What are you thinking?” she asks, twisting to face him as his hand moves from her shoulder to her waist. “Quiet night in watching TV?”

“You know, I think I need a break from TV for a while. How about a movie?”

Darcy grins.

“You buy the tickets, I’ll buy the snacks?”

“Deal,” Jimmy says, and smiles against her mouth when he ducks his head to kiss her.

[gem-rewatch]

SU rewatch- S1E11- Arcade Mania

Hey, long time no see!

I’m desperately bored in solitary quarantine at university right now, and decided to try and pick this SU rewatch series up again for fun. It’s been a while since I’ve watched through the show in order. Plus, now that this show is completely finished, there’s plenty more connections to make. I can’t promise I’ll be consistent with this, but at the very least I can have fun trying to make a few more posts at my leisure.

Anyways. With that business out of the way. Let’s get right on to the show!

We begin with yet another mission Steven’s guardians have brought him along on! I believe this is the fifth mission we know of that he’s accompanied them on so far. (Lunar Sea Spire, Inverted Pyramid, the unknown mission he returns from in Tiger Millionaire, the desert, and now this one.) It’s really sweet seeing the Gems begin to trust him tagging along more often. There will come a day in the near future where missions become routine for Steven, but in these early episodes, you can really tell that each and every one is a brand new adventure.

In terms of plot, though, this episode is honestly Future Vision: The Prequel.

We learn a lot about Garnet’s abilities and her role in the team here, even if all of these details aren’t spelled out word-for-word quite yet. Hints towards her future vision we see this ep include:

Garnet moving ahead of the group to be in the perfect spot to catch Steven when he falls.

Her flawless moves while fighting and dodging the monsters.

Her becoming a master at the rhythm game later in the episode.

Like, damn. Look at this.

Look at her go.

My Q U E E N!

I had to gif all of this just because it’s such a beautiful and smooth sequence of animation.

If there’s one thing all of the Crystal Gems can 100% agree on, it’s that Garnet is friggin’ amazing.

Garnet: “Let them go. They’re just parasites. If they want to be a problem, they’ll have to answer to me.”

So, does this statement mean that- at this present moment- her extended stay at the arcade was entirely beyond her future vision? That the only futures she saw were ones where she was actually present to deal with containment of the Gem parasites? Given that later scenes insinuate she’d never been to the arcade before, and would have no “data” about its games to factor into her internal understanding of the world, this seems likely.

I adore the gradual palette change here, from shadow, to setting sun. It’s a nice detail that adds so much more life to what could otherwise be a rather mundane transition scene. It seems like unique palettes were more common in early SU- I wonder why Crewniverse stopped implementing these as often later on?

Pearl, entering the arcade: “Humans find such fascinating ways to waste their time.”

Thanks, Pearl. Love you too. <3

This sequence of Pearl failing at playing a car chase/road rage game hits so much different knowing what happens in Last One Out of Beach City. It’s genuinely radical how far she grows in confidence from this point, because here, she seems so shackled to rules and guidelines. Now that we know about her rebellious past, it might be tempting to write this characterization off as “early series weirdness,” but... I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Instead, I wonder if she’s working through grief-related regression.

Think about it... the pain of Rose’s passing is still so fresh for her. She was a rule breaking rebel once, yes, but she spent all of those days at Rose’s side. And I get the sense that she’s poured so much of herself into keeping Rose safe, into the rebellion against Homeworld, that without those, she’s caught in a vacuum. What IS her purpose now, when the very person she rebelled for is gone?

So she slips back into old pearl-like habits. Chronic rule following, and a fear of deviating from norms. How familiar. Thankfully, much of her arc throughout the show is her directly growing beyond these habits to live boldly as her own Gem.

The friggin video game when Garnet knocks its head off: “TELL MY WIFE I’M SORRYYY!!!”

Yo, what the fuck. This line is both hilarious and messed up, all at once. Please tell me the game isn’t sentient.

Aaaand here we finally introduce Garnet to the video game sensation that is Meat Beat Mania! This game is perfectly suited to her and her power of foresight because its patterns are algorithmic and not vulnerable to spontaneous deviations, and thus easy to predict, with enough input. She’s probably getting a quick rush of satisfaction with every correct move, and she barely has to exert any energy with her future vision to get that rush. After years and years of wading through endless possibility at every avenue, this video game’s patterns must be a rejuvenating breath of fresh air.

It’s addicting.

...Kinda makes me think of how I get sometimes when I play solitaire on my phone for an hour straight. After a while, I barely even think, I’m just shuffling through my deck and moving cards almost on automatic. I don’t have to use much energy to play, and it gives me animated fireworks every time I finish a match. It’s a win-win.

Amethyst: “I’MMA WIN AN AIRPLANE!”

I don’t know what it is about the way Michaela Dietz says the world “airplane,” but this makes me laugh every time. Does... does she think she can win a genuine airplane here because she saw Onion win a tiny motorbike from the ticket booth?? Amethyst, oh my god. XD

She’s got the spirit, this wild child.

So, moving on- we meet up with our crew later the next morning, Garnet nowhere to be seen. There’s an interesting exchange I’d like to highlight real quick-

Pearl: “If we’re supposed to fight a giant foot, Garnet would let us know.” Amethyst: “Yeah, Garnet’s the boss!” Pearl: “Well, we’re all a team. Garnet just has heightened perception that guides us towards our mission objectives.”

Considering the specific phrasing Pearl uses here- “heightened perception” instead of “future vision-” did Garnet outright tell the two of them to not explain her powers, just like she told them not to mention she’s a fusion? Because I’m pretty sure no one ever uses the phrase “heightened perception” again in reference to her powers.

Given the fact that Garnet chose to keep the knowledge of Ruby and Sapphire under the table until she felt Steven could understand her better, my guess is that this is a similar scenario.

Ahah, I genuinely can’t tell if this is Steven being gullible, or just impulsively playing along with Amethyst’s antics. Still- gross, kid. Don’t wipe your wet cereal face on your shirt! Ew! :O

When he goes outside and starts to use a kiddy metal detector to scan for quarters... so THAT’S where he finds his arcade money! Because I can’t imagine Greg is financially able to give him that much to spend on non-essentials at this point in the show.

Okay, so... I just want to bring light to the fact that Garnet has literally been in this arcade ALL NIGHT LONG.

It was evening when she first arrived here- the sun was visibly setting in the background, and when Steven, Amethyst, and Pearl left, the sky was dark. But now it’s morning. Steven was just seen eating breakfast. And Garnet is STILL HERE.

Does this mean Mr. Smiley locked her IN? I have so many questions... Did he try to get her to leave, only to be intimidated by her complete lack of response? I would kill to know more about this interaction. Poor Mr. Smiley. That man deals with so much bullshit in this town, huh?

Geebus, is Garnet a solid wall. Previous episodes have shown Steven forcibly shoving whole tons of food, and swinging a mini-freezer over his head, and yet he can’t get her to budge even an inch.

I absolutely adore how he climbs up her frame like a koala, though, ahah. Cute.

Meat Beat Mania announcer: “That’s rare!!” Steven: “Oh my gosh...!”

I take these two lines as evidence that this is the first time Steven’s ever seen Garnet’s eyes. Specifically, the fact that there’s three of them. Which, makes sense- since Garnet is still really reserved emotionally at this point, and is only begins to get in the habit of taking her visor off to show Steven her full face later on in the show.

This expression deeply hurts me.

Steven’s so distraught here- because the others are in danger, the town is in danger, and he doesn’t have his trusty, dependable guardian who catches him when he falls and beats up scary monsters for him. Without her, the whole team is vulnerable and blind.

He feels alone. He feels... powerless.

And so he responds to that confusing, powerless feeling by trying to compensate with his own power. When all other routes he can think of fail, he smashes the video game console.

It... uh, it works... but once again, Steven entirely fails to consider the consequences, huh? He experienced a little bit of character growth in this regard in the episode Serious Steven, but even past that it’ll remain an recurring issue for him. Hell, his impulsiveness is a general character flaw even stretching into SUF.

In summary, though:

Poor Mr. Smiley. He works so hard, and doesn’t deserve this BS. ;-;

[iamanartichoke]

I started typing this in the tags of this post, and it got too long, and then I was going to just reblog the post with this as an addition but that got too long too, and I've been meaning to make a post addressing free will vs. predestination since the premiere anyway, so - here we go. Spoilers, obviously.

Cut for length and spoilers. Please blacklist #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, and #loki spoilers.

This is kinda rough and I'm not sure it actually makes any sense but I'm posting it anyway.

I realize that the post is a joke, obviously (and it is hilarious) but I started thinking about the implications and couldn't stop because it's honestly a goldmine of existential reflection and an inevitable crisis or three.

Let's look at a scenario.

Say you're late to work for reasons totally beyond your control: your neighbor stopped you to ask a question on your way out the door; you swung through the drive-thru for a quick coffee but the person in front of you is ordering a full continental breakfast ffs (this happened to me this morning); there was an explosion and then the Winter Soldier randomly dropped from the sky and landed on the hood of your car. Whatever. Shit happens.

So you're late, but on this particular day, your lateness somehow has consequences that lead to and create a nexus event and the next thing you know, you're being arrested, tried, convicted of time crimes and ultimately (a version of you is) erased from existence.

And this is if it's not even your fault you're late.

Now say that you're late and it is your fault. You took a new route on a whim and drove a little more slowly because you passed a particularly pretty meadow; you hit the brakes at a yellow light instead of speeding through bc you wanted the quick chance to check your email; you sat in your car for a few extra minutes in the parking lot, because maybe your job sucks and you really needed those extra minutes today to psyche yourself up into getting out of the car and going inside and clocking in.

These little choices are you exercising your free will. Because to me, free will is all or nothing - it doesn't just apply to the big decisions.

On the other hand, predestination means that regardless of the choices you make or if it's a big decision or not, everything you do is ultimately going to lead you to a set point or position or place (your destiny).

And I can kind of look at it like a GPS - that is, there are a number of "insignificant" choices you could make and they will still lead you to where you're predestined to go. Like how a GPS will reconfigure your route if you miss your exit on the highway. It doesn't matter if you took Route A or Route B, you're still going to end up at your destination.

But say sometimes the route does matter. Say that there are certain scenarios in which there's only one road (for example, 14 million losses vs 1 win) and you can only get on it by following a specific series of events and what determines the ultimate outcome is whether or not you're late to work that day.

If you decide to wait those extra five minutes in the parking lot, that means that you weren't in your cubicle at 9:03 when Stanley from Accounting wandered by with his giant stack of papers, and when Mary Sue said hello to him, he got distracted and tried to wave and ended up dropping those papers. Had you been at your cubicle, you'd have swooped down to help him but since you weren't there, Stanley is crouched on the floor alone and doesn't notice Joe coming at him with a paper trolley so when he stands up, he and Joe collide and Stanley loses his balance and goes face-first toward the trolley and breaks his nose when he hits the metal handle on his way down.

Now Stanley has to go to the hospital to get his nose set because you wanted to sit in your car and spend five extra minutes hating your life that morning.

If the sacred timeline says that Stanley is supposed to be in that ER at that specific time on that specific day, and no other set of circumstances would get him there, because this will ultimately take Stanley down the road to whatever greater journey he's supposed to go on, then it has to happen. But say you exercise your free will and decide not to wait those five minutes, because the free will applies to every choice you make, even the tiny, insignificant ones. You chose to put on your big person pants and took a deep breath and just head inside - and because you chose to do that and because you were at your cubicle to help Stanley with his papers, Stanley never ends up in the ER and the timeline that's supposed to happen is suddenly at risk and the TVA has to get involved (I assume).

So having free will introduces way, way too many variables into a fixed timeline to ever keep track, because you're taking these tiny, seemingly insignificant choices that people are making every minute of every day, and you're multiplying them by trillions of sentient beings in the universe, and you're saying the fate of the timeline and reality itself depends on all of these beings either always making the choice they're supposed to make or constantly sending the TVA out whenever they don't.

It's fair to conclude, then, that both free will and a fixed, single timeline can't exist at the same time. Either you adhere to the fixed timeline and everyone does exactly what they're supposed to do every second of every minute of existence, or you have free will and autonomy over all of your decisions, no matter how big or small, and those decisions can result in a number of outcomes, ultimately leading you to one of several possible destinations.

Case in point: Tony didn't have to snap his fingers in Endgame. He chose to. Had he not, Thanos would have won. It doesn't matter if there was one way to victory or 14 million ways to failure; the timeline could ultimately only go one of two ways and the choice Tony willingly made determined that Thanos lost. It wasn't predetermined because if Tony had not chosen to snap his fingers, the timeline would have gone the other way.

My personal belief - and this isn't necessarily for the MCU, but in general - is that we do possess free will and the future is ever shifting and changing because nothing is written in stone. It holds up against most, if not all, of the world's belief systems. For example, if you believe that people have guardian angels, the rule is generally that your guardian angels can help you but you have to ask them; they can't decide to intervene without your permission because to do so would infringe upon your free will.

Similarly, you can go on etsy and pay $5 for a funsies psychic reading or pay a lot more money for an in-depth, specific tarot reading and both will tell you that the outcomes may change depending on the paths you take, and that their ultimate advice is for you to keep your focus on your goals and your own self so that you can be subconsciously manifesting the best possible future for yourself. (Not that I know this from experience. It was one time. It was a few times. My point stands, and also stop judging me.)

To get back to the MCU, though - if you determine that both a single, fixed timeline and free will can't simultaneously exist, and your ultimate purpose is upholding said timeline and not letting anyone fuck it up, lest it break off into lots of different branches, then it poses a pretty serious moral and/or ethical question of - who decides what choices we make and what paths we're destined for? The time lizards? Who gave them that authority? Did anyone, or did they just manifest themselves into existence one day, create the universe, and then decide all of the rules (and, if so, where does that leave the norns and the gods and other super powerful beings who are generally thought to be in charge of things)?

If free will doesn't exist and everyone is acting based on what has been predetermined for them by some higher being (or, in this case, time lizards), it takes away our autonomy, and if everything we do and every single tiny step we take is decided for us, what makes us any different than cogs in a machine just following orders? What separates us from robots?

Speaking of robots, it's interesting to me that the TVA's screening process (if you can call it that) has a failsafe against robots specifically. Any robot that might come through is destroyed immediately and in this case, “not a robot” is defined, more or less, as a sentient being that possesses a soul. What does the TVA have against robots if their ultimate goal is ensuring that the robotic machinations of the time lizards are consistently carried out to protect the sacred timeline?

A soul makes you human; the energy of the soul is what you, at the core, are. It can be assumed that having a soul also means that you have some sort of moral and ethical code by which you live your life but, if you don't also have free will, then what is the point of possessing a soul and a moral and ethical code?

Loki is a villain and he's told by Mobius, the TVA, Odin, and pretty much everyone who ever meets him that the only thing he's good for - the only reason he exists - is to cause pain and suffering and death. This has been predetermined for him; this is not his fault and he did not choose it. And every single choice he makes has either already been destined as the choice he was supposed to make, or will be pruned so it won't grow into the wrong timeline. Ultimately Loki can change neither his final destination, nor the purpose and meaning of his existence.

Which leads me to the theory that the several Loki variants that the TVA keeps coming across are the result of Loki consistently resisting against his predetermined path; he's trying to find the timeline where he is able to latch onto and keep his own free will in defiance of the timekeepers but, so far, he hasn't been successful. This could segue into why the current Variant is now going scorched earth and just obliterating the main timeline completely - because if there is no sacred timeline, there's nothing dictating who or what Loki can be, and free will is regained. If there's a multiverse that branches and branches beyond anyone's control, then there must be a branch in there, somewhere, where Loki can exist on his own terms and decide how his own story goes.

This also might be a theory for why Loki is already setting his sights on taking over the TVA (assuming that's not just something he told the variant for reasons). But my original point in delving into all this is to ask: if Loki is predestined to always be a villain whose story plays out exactly the same way because that's what's supposed to happen, then how can anyone ever hold his misdeeds against him? He's literally just existing as the timekeepers decided he would exist and everyone is blaming him for it.

And this leads me to ask, as well, if one's soul is generally good, and one possesses more good traits than bad, what is the logic in making them exist only for pain and destruction? If it's for a greater good, then it stands to reason Loki is not the only one predestined for misery, and what greater good could come from all that suffering?

Conclusion: the existence of the TVA as an organization means that there is one fixed, sacred timeline but the existence of said timeline is immoral and unethical because it means no one actually has any free will at all in the MCU. The very notion of heroes and villains is pointless because it has nothing to do with your own qualities or morality, it's literally the luck of the draw. In order to have free will, the sacred timeline has to be destroyed, and so my prediction is that the Big Bad of the Loki series is not the TVA and not the time keepers but the actual timeline itself, and the entire fate of the MCU rests on whether or not Loki can ultimately succeed.

Also, don't be late for work.

[flyingcookierambles]

who wants to talk about murrrrrrrderrrrrrr~?

ok so i made this totally for funsies and i swear i watch these shows/movies critically because copaganda is bad and all, etc., etc.

ANYWAYS

MY NEED FOR THE NICHE GENRE OF SCI-FI COP SHOWS AND SHITTY HOMEMADE MEMES GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

personal comments and stuff under the cut if you want, but this is it lol ok bye

ok so i’ll probably make some updated version of these memes with like.

I, Robot

Almost Human

Detroit: Become Human (yeahhhh its extremely shitty and is a video game, but it technically has some sci-fi cop elements so. :/)

Black Mirror (the original british/early seasons before it got badddd)

Stuff I want to add since they scratch my itch for sci-fi but I’m not sure if there’s enough murder and mystery in them

Her (not enough murder sorry lol)

Ex Machina (we got like 1 murder + 1 implied/most likely to happen later murder but im not sure sorry lol)

Black Mirror (uh yeah sure black mirror has tons of murder and violence but are there cops in it really? i...dont remember many?? maybe its just me?)

Gattica (my favorite but also not enough murder sorry space boy lol)

Better than Us (russian tv show, on US netflix)

Futurama (lol im sorry for throwing this cartoon in the middle of a list of serious live action tv/movies lol)

Are You Human Too? (the kdrama. the feels mannnn)

Westworld (the movie is ok i guess, but the technology isn’t really shown/explored much so idk if i should add it :/ )

Westworld the tv show (i’ve completely watched the first 2 seasons and am currently watching season 3 which takes place in “the real world” bc some main characters have escaped the park. even if the plot is kinda dragging on/sucking, showing a futuristic city and people’s daily lives makes up for it lol. man i had the see-thru plexiglass self driving cars tho why lol its just so ugly lol)

Alien Nation (sure it has murder and cops and the sci-fi aliens, but can it really be put in there with these 22nd century set shows? i guess i can mark it as “immigration” themes in common with GitS and Psycho Pass (mostly in 3) but like really Alien Nation takes place in like the 80′s or 90′s when it was made so man i’m just not sure :/ )

Time of Eve (an excellent series/movie/ova or whatever asking what qualifies as human. however also given that this is a feels fill, overall chill atmosphere taking place in a cafe and not involving cops and/or murder, i’m not sure about adding it)

Nier: Automata (could YoRHA count as cops? can machines count as people? when YoRHA eliminate machines, does it count as murder? what qualifies a being as a sentient living person? hmmmmmmmm lol)

stuff i haven’t watched personally but its on my watch list

Humans (the british tv show with Synths/andoroids)

Real Humans (the swedish tv show that Humans(above) is based on)

Blade Runner (hides in shame for having never actually seen this sci-fi classic lol sorry)

Tron (ive actually already watched this, but its been so long i actually kinda forget the plot sorry lol)

RoboCop

Ergo Proxy

Nier: Replicant (also not a tv show/movie, but its on my game list. if only frickin fedex will give it to me. it’s lost in the mail, its been a whole month even tho i preordered and everything uuuuuuu D’: !!!!!)

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #29 - The One Where Everyone Gets Super Shiny

Our issue opens up with Swerve laying down the Story So Far in the Exposition Dimension.

Fantastic, you funky little man.

If Swerve looks like he’s been tossed through the car wash a few dozen times, it’s because this is where our new colorist comes in! Everyone, please say hello to Joana Lafuente- known for her love of gradients and attention to light sources, this actually isn’t the first time we’ve run into her. Lafuente worked on colors for several issues of The Transformers (2009), Last Stand of the Wreckers #3, and a few issues of MTMTE Season 1. However, she was matching the styles of her co-colorists on a majority of these, so we haven’t seen her style properly until now.

Getting into the story proper, Cyclonus is busying himself with staring out the window at a PNG of space, as he is wont to do, when he hears the tell-tale sound of tires squealing down the hall towards his room. Oh, goodness, whoever could that be?

Nearly forgot about him, didn’t you? Yeah, it’s a little difficult to follow up on things like a character’s recovery from a horrific disease when you’ve got comic event contract obligations to deal with.

After getting tackled by Tailgate, who reminds us all about the time he stuck his dirty little fingers into a dude’s brain meat, Cyclonus takes the little nerd on a walk through the ship.

You’re not going to convince me to reread “Dark Cybertron”. I don’t care how much of a marshmallow you are, it’s not happening.

They’re passed by Megatron and a bunch of crew members carrying that coffin we saw at the end of last issue down the corridor, Tailgate has a moment, and we get a taste of Cyclonus’ distaste for the Autobots as a whole. Tailgate is mildly offended by this, as he gropes his chest in distain, showing off his shiny new Autobot badge- a gift for not dying a terrible, gruesome death.

Good job, Tailgate. Proud of you.

They’re also passed by an absolutely blitzed Jackpot and Mainframe, the former singing Tailgate’s Tyrest-stopping praises as the latter carts him over to the Medibay to deal with the almost alcohol poisoning he’s got going on. Cyclonus remarks that Tailgate was missed, though Tailgate can’t help but wonder if that’s really true.

Y’all like slowburn romance, right? Because these two dumbasses have been roommates for two years, and we’ve just gotten to the point where physical contact can happen without one of them needing to be dying.

Anyway, it’s been a good day for Tailgate so far. Let’s hope it stays that way for the little dude.

...And that’s a series wrap on Tailgate! Let’s give him a hand, folks!

Hopping back in time to Megatron’s trial, things get underway, as Optimus Prime takes a nap in the judge’s bench as Gripper- whose name you don’t need to remember, as he’s not actually important- tells everyone about how brutal the Decepticon Justice Division is, even to Autobots. Which isn’t really supposed to be their deal, given their, y’know, name, but I suppose nobody’s perfect.

Up in the stands, in an… opera box, I guess? Rodimus is watching the proceedings, when Atomizer walks in. Which I guess you can just do in a Cybertronian court case. Sure.

Atomizer, in case you forgot, is the dude who has a bow and arrow, and used to be an interior designer.

Say, didn’t Whirl has a bow and arrow in the last issue when he attacked Megatron? Mighty curious, that.

Rodimus and Atomizer briefly reflect on the DJD, recalling the horror that was Vos- not that Vos, the other one. Rodimus would really just rather this all be over with so the Lost Light can get back to finding the Knights of Cybertron, and it’s at this point that Atomizer breaks out a thing he really ought not have- the count for the vote on whether or not Rodimus should stay on as captain. Rodimus doesn’t want to look at it, because it was supposed to be anonymous for a reason, and tells Atomizer to destroy the list entirely.

Hm, that’s not a terribly determined face there, Rodimus.

Back in the present, specifically in Swerve’s, Groove is threatening to break Streetwise’s arm, as we get the downlow on just what exactly our Legislator buddy’s deal is. Turn’s out, Swerve got one of the things reprogrammed, so that he follows not the Autobot Code, but something else entirely.

Hey, Swerve?

I don’t expect you to know this, because I don’t think you were present when they revealed this information to the readers, but… your new bouncer is made of people. He’s a dude made of other dudes, namely the Circle of Light. There’s a chance that you reprogrammed a sentient being, my good bitch.

Anyway, Swerve’s in a fucking mood because his shoulder hurts, someone’s stealing his shit, and Megatron has joined the narrative. Over at a nearby table, Skids, Nautica, and Riptide take a gander at the tabloids. Trailcutter, who is positively smashed, to the point where he’s just leaking booze out of his face like it’s his job, isn’t terribly interested in that, however.

What an astute observation, Riptide. And people say you’re stupid!

Trailcutter wants to drink some more, because it’s very likely he’s got a problem, but the mention of “Megatron’s super fuel” makes him feel like it’s time to stop hounding Swerve and start performing crimes.

Back during the trial, we get to Starscream’s testimony. He’s wearing his crown. He’s acting like a self-righteous asshole, as he defends Megatron.

Well, “defend” in the technical, legal sense, I suppose.

But really it’s more about him insulting Megatron’s intelligence, strength, and courage, in front of a LOT of people, while also trying to make himself look better in the war crime department. Megatron doesn’t appreciate this very much, if his murder-face is anything to go by.

Megatron lets Ultra Magnus (his defender, if you’ll recall) know that he wants a private word, and court goes into a brief recess.

Back in the present, Nightbeat’s busy looking at a pin-up of Rung’s alt-mode, when someone knocks on his door. That someone is Chromedome, who’s trying to solve the mystery of The Missing Declaration of Love. Not that he says that specifically out loud.

You two were married, why- okay. No point in yelling at this digital copy of a comic book.

Anyway.

So, the whole screaming thing only happened the one time, and everything was back to normal on subsequent plays of Rewind’s message. Nightbeat seems to be leaning towards the depressive isolating getting to Chromedome, which Chromedome responds to by telling him to get the fuck out. Alas, someone’s blocking the door!

YO WHAT THE FUCK-

Back with Trailcutter’s subplot, our drunken friend is in the middle of breaking into the Medibay. Our trio of cool-colored pals watch him from back at the bar, by way of a laptop that looks like it was built the same year I was born.

As Trailcutter attempts to commit a crime, Megatron, Ultra Magnus, and Ratchet pass by, trying to figure out how to handle the whole coffin situation. Trailcutter’s about to punch the locks off a door, and Nautica decides that this is where she’s going to draw the line today, leaving the gaggle of fools to their shenanigans. Then Tailgate glomps Skids, throwing the computer to the ground and breaking it, as Trailcutter finds the door to the Medibay magically open.

If you don’t know what glomping is, there’s a 60% chance that you’re not old enough to vote in the US.

Trailcutter sneaks into the Medibay, we get a reminder that Ambulon is super dead, and Trailcutter commits theft from a food bank. What a guy.

This is the point where security shows up, armed with a great deal of guns, one of which is Megatron himself. Trailcutter, instead of feeling super powerful, actually feels positively awful after consuming Megatron’s rations of “super fuel”. Because he, as an Autobot, doesn’t want to be within 50 yards of Megatron, Trailcutter breaks out the forcefields the moment the guy approaches him. And oh, what a doozy this one is.

Trailcutter’s gotten himself a fancy new trick- this forcefield he’s broken out lasts for a solid half-hour, and he can’t turn it off. I’m sure that won’t bite him in the ass at any point in the near future, no-siree!

Back in the past, Rattrap is commending Starscream on playing the field and getting the public slightly more on his side, but Starscream’s too busy patting himself on the back to really pay attention. He knew damn well that Megatron wouldn’t like what he had to say on the stand, and now things are finally looking up for ol’ Screamer.

Over with Optimus Prime, Slamdance is showing off how the general public is really into this whole “folks being held accountable for their actions” thing.

In the present, Chromedome and Nightbeat seem to have remembered they have alt-modes and are driving down the hall back to Nightbeat’s room- wonder what the speed limit for the Lost Light is?- and discuss just what the hell happened. The current theory is that the Rewind they saw was a Data Ghost- a collection of information so dense, it had a not-quite-physical presence that wasn’t 100% removed when he died.

Which is a little fucked up, but let’s see where this goes.

Nightbeat undoes the 40,000 locks on his door while Chromedome bleeds guilt all over the shag carpet over the fact that he hasn’t been looking for Dominus Ambus like he said he would.

C’mon James, gimme that Chromedominus endgame.

Nightbeat finally opens the door to find a small problem.

Hm. That’s… not normal.

Over in the Medibay, Trailcutter’s bubble has burst, allowing Megatron to slap him in the back of the head. This head-slapping induces his FIM chip permanently, making it so that he can never get drunk again.

Weird party trick, Megatron. Kinda shitty, really.

Megatron then gives Trailcutter the job of director of security, because he needs direction in his life. Trailcutter just sort of takes what he’s given, because I suppose you can’t really argue with a guy who can literally slap you sober, and also threatens to destroy you if you fuck up even once. Nice, Megs. Nice.

MEGATRON THAT’S BEEN SITTING LIKE THAT FOR OVER HALF AN HOUR YOU FUCKING WET NOODLE

So, since there’s mystery juice all over the floor and no one’s died, Megatron assumes that the coffin ought to be fine to crack open.

Please note that Megatron is not a medical professional, and his views are now peer reviewed by medical professionals. Megatron is in no way endorsed by the WHO.

Anyway, Rodimus is in there.

Pretty fucked up.

Back in the past, recess is over, and Ultra Magnus comes bearing bad news- Megatron wants to change his plea to “innocent.” This gets about the reaction one would expect from just about anyone.

Well, except Rodimus, who’s too busy reading that list that he wanted destroyed. He’s very sad about it.

I know, what a bummer!

[pallasperilous]

Funny Bone

The other day Supernatural9917 threw out this meme as a cracky Halloween Dean/Cas prompt and I was SO MAD, because I then had to write it:

And so here it is. Goddammit.

Funny Bone

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26761150 Words: 4930 Castiel/Dean Winchester Fluff and Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Skeletons, Bad Pick-Up Lines, No Angels AU, Men of Letters Bunker, Mild Gore Mature (mentions of lewd acts, canon-typical violence, and some truly horrible pickup lines)

It wasn’t even a particularly creepy skeleton; it was in kind of a “just chillin’” pose on the floor. One ankle was still locked up in a heavy iron cuff, at the end of a short chain leading back to the wall. Snoresville, as dead stuff goes; Dean’s seen worse at Disneyland. It was the skeleton’s comment about Dean’s ass that really livened things up.

Discovering the bunker in the first place was a helluva surprise. The whole facility is legitimately batshit; Dead Guys of Letters knew how to live (and, apparently, die. All at once.).

But after plowing through a dozen rooms worth of priceless treasures and crusty boobytraps, even Sam was looking kinda full up on shock and awe.

“We can hit the basement tomorrow,” he said. There was a big smudge of dust across his nose and some cobwebs in his hair.

“Nuh uh,” Dean answered, kicking the door shut with the toe of his boot. “If there’s shit still kicking down there, we gotta clean it out before it cleans us out. It’s that or we’re sleepin’ in the car.”

“Ugh,” Sam said, as if twenty minutes ago he hadn’t been losing his mind over a rare book about werewolf hemorrhoids.

So discovering that the basement included a no-shit actual dungeon felt more like an unanticipated bonus, and stumbling across a skeleton while exploring it barely even registered. Skeletons and dungeons! They go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong.

It wasn’t even a particularly creepy skeleton; it was in kind of a “just chillin’” pose on the floor, inside a big circle of greasy black ash.  It looked a little mildewy in in places. One ankle was still locked up in a heavy iron cuff, at the end of a short chain leading back to the wall. Snoresville, as dead stuff goes; Dean’s seen worse at Disneyland.

It was the skeleton’s comment about Dean’s ass that really livened things up.

“Welp,” Dean had said, holstering his gun and wiping his hands on his jeans. “We’re all clear. Let’s head back upstairs, salt the shit out of everything, and then we can pick up some groceries.”

“Do I get to buy a vegetable that doesn’t fit in a bun, or are we still in the refractory period?” Sam snarked from the corridor.

“I don’t see you cookin’, “ Dean started, shuffling back towards the hall, and that’s when the skeleton butted in.

“Are those astronaut pants?” it asked. “Because your ass is outta this world!”

Dean absolutely did not scream, but it’s possible there was a yelp. 

He almost unloaded a clip into it – unclear what that would’ve possibly done, but it’s good to start with the simple, available solutions. Next he nabbed the lighter fluid off of Sam and dumped out half a pound of kosher salt as a chaser and set the fucker alight.

This does not have the intended effect.

“Baby, I’d like to put my meat on your grill,” the skeleton says, greenish flames dancing between its ribs, “because you’re hot, and I’m smokin’.” Then it sits up a little, just enough to shoot Dean some finger guns.

“What the fuck,” Dean says.

Sam makes a little evaluatory noise. “Sexually harassed by a skeleton,” he chuckles. “I think that’s a new one. Even for you. Is that a new one? I know a lot of strange shit went down in Purgatory.”

The skeleton perks up even more at that, grungy eye sockets sweeping up and down Dean’s body. “Are you a time traveler?” it asks. (Maybe he asks, because the voice is pretty deep and dude-ish, although possibly just on account of its vocal cords being leather shoelaces.)

“Wh…no, I’m not a time traveler,” Dean fibs. He’s more of a time trafficking victim, anyway. “Oh, wait, god,” he says. “Please don’t tell me you’re asking that because –“

“– I can see you in my future,” the skeleton finishes, eagerly, and Dean really wishes this thing had eyebrows so he could tell if they’re waggling.

“Yeah, okay. That’s enough for today,” Dean groans. “I need a drink.” He starts to back out of the room as a pre-emptive strike against Bones commenting on how he hates to see Dean leave, but loves to watch him go. Dean’s working on stumbling back again Sam’s left shoe when the skeleton pipes up one last time, this time with a husky, anxious edge.

“I realize that Purgatory isn’t accessible through a simple chronological shift,” it says, teeth chattering. “But it does require travel between modalities, and if you’re capable of that, I would very much like to speak with you again.”

Dean and Sam’s heads slowly swivel back towards the skeleton, like two little pizzas on the same Lazy Susan.

 An hour later, they’re still in the dungeon, working on dousing the skeleton with every possible anti-bad-stuff solution they’ve got, just in case he’s a vampire skeleton or a ghoul skeleton or a witch skeleton or maybe just a wendigo that’s incredibly bad at its job. In between progress reports, he’s still hitting on Dean.

“Dude, don’t you have an off switch somewhere?” Dean asks him.

“Well, Dean, you certainly make me feel like a light switch,–“

“– because you turn me on,” all three of them say in unison.

The skeleton looks a little embarrassed, which is kind of impressive when you think about it. “You’ve…heard that one before?” he asks.

“I spend a lot of time in bars,” Dean deadpans. “Okay, sage is a no-go.”

Sam strikes a line off on the clipboard he found upstairs. “Is this part of a curse or something?” he asks, glancing up at Bones. “Like on top of being a sentient skeleton, you can only speak in horrible pickup lines?”

The skeleton shakes his head, which produces a sound Dean recognizes from his kneecaps on cold mornings. “No, the spellwork allows me to speak freely on most subjects; except who I am, or how to free me. But it’s helpful to use language modern humans can easily understand.”

“Huh. Well, in a way, it is Dean’s native tongue,” Sam says, smirking.

“You shut your face,” Dean hisses.

“When I first saw you, I lost my tongue. Can I try yours on for size?” Bones asks Dean.

“Buddy, I don’t know where you get your information from, but nobody actually talks that way,” Dean tells him. “Nobody sober, anyway. Who isn’t a virgin.”

The skeleton slumps. “I learned from my last visitor. He tried to release me on several occasions, but he either died or abandoned the project.”

Dean arches a brow. “The project being…you?”

“I would be very valuable under the right circumstances.” The skeleton shrugs and casually holds out an arm for Dean to scrape at with the demon blade. “He gave me lessons in modern vernacular as a way to pass our time together.”

“Sounds like a peach,” Dean says, before he can catch himself. “If you have a peach-related pickup line in there, man, you’d better just sit on it.”

“That’s what-“

“I will smash you with a hammer,” Dean barks.

The skeleton relents, but with obvious reluctance.

 They call it quits before Kansas rolls up the sidewalk for the night and leaves them stranded with nothing but two Clif bars and a gross of septuagenarian cans of franks ’n beans. Bones shifts nervously when Dean leaves – “Which is better, pancakes or waffles?” he asks.

“Pancakes,” Dean says, with a sense of grim duty.

“Because I’d like to know what you’re making me for breakfast,” says Bones, his voice trailing off as Dean books it down the stony corridor.

  By lunch the next day (bologna sandwiches, so sue him, he’ll make something good later) they’re pretty sure that Bones doesn’t pose any known, immediate threat – other than to Dean’s sanity – so they switch gears to springing him. Maybe he will be worth something, or maybe he’ll crumble into dust and Be Free, or maybe he’ll just stop being chained to the basement wall, in which case he can become their skeleton butler or something.

There are weird runes on the ankle cuff, so Sam snaps some quick photos and heads upstairs to feel up the library. This leaves Dean in the basement with Bones, some good old-fashioned power tools, and Bones’s ex-suitor’s gross sense of humor.

“You know I can understand you just fine when you’re talking normally,” Dean says. “You’re just reciting some prehistoric shit that idiots say to girls to get a pity-laugh, hoping it leads to a pity-fuck.”

“What’s a pity-fuck?” Bones asks, all mildewy innocence. Dean’s pretty sure the grunge in his eyeball sockets is dried eyeball.

“Pretty much what it says on the tin, my guy,” Dean answers, and reaches for the acetylene torch.

 “Enochian,” Sam says, when Dean surfaces for another sandwich and possibly a beer. He’s really disappointed about the torch.

“Gesundheit?” Dean replies, around a mouthful of bologna. Like everything else here, the kitchen is pretty schwa, although the inside of the fridge required three exorcisms and half a jug of bleach.

Sam paws around the smelly old book in a way that makes Dean feel sorry for the girls Sam dated in high school. “The symbols on the cuff. I think they’re Enochian. It’s a fake celestial language made up by some sixteenth century con artists.”

Dean coughs up a bit of Wonder Bread. “I respect the hustle, but what’s it doing on an ankle cuff in a dungeon younger than Mickey Mouse?”

Sam frowns. “Well, it could be for show. But just because some nutbars made it up doesn’t mean it’s totally powerless. Maybe it does have some kind of…heavenly mojo.”

“Liwl probbem,” Dean observes, finishing off his sandwich. “Def nuh heggen.”

“Huh?”

Dean takes a swallow of beer. “I said: there’s no heaven.”

Sam shrugs. “We didn’t think there was a Purgatory, either.”

“Okay, but if we find out angels are real,” Dean snorts, “then Bones can fuck me in the ass.”

 Sam reports his findings to Bones, who sits placidly on the back of his pelvis, carpals splayed out on his kneecaps. What’s even holding him together? Dean can see what’s left of his ligaments, but they look like petrified gas station jerky.

“Do you know what they mean?” Sam asks him, pointing at the sigils.

Bones’s jaw creaks open a little, then closes again, and then he shakes his skull (something rattles inside.) Finally he makes a little frustrated noise and replies – “Baby, are you a book? Because I’d like to check you out.”

“Hey!” says Dean. “Keep it in your pants, man, I’m right here.”

Sam squints. “I think…Dean, I think he’s trying to tell us something, but the spell on him means he can’t say it directly.”

Bones clenches his fists, releases them, clenches them again.

“Yeah. Keep him talking. Let’s see how close he can get.”

Clack clack clack.

“Uh,” Dean says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Okay. Do I need to, like. Give you some kinda opening?” he asks Bones.

“Sweetheart, I’d like nothing better,” Bones answers, then clacks his knuckles on his brow with exasperation.

“Sorry, Christ. Hit me with your best shot, buddy. Dealer’s choice.”

Bones clears his…ghost throat? and tries: “Tell me, Dean…did it hurt?”

Dean blinks. “When I…fell from heaven?”

Sam claps his hands. “Fucking knew it. It is Enochian, and it does have something to do with this. I think he wants me to check the library for another book. Maybe there’s one misshelved or something that I can actually use to translate. Or I can Google around, maybe there’s a subreddit.”

Dean’s pretty sure Bones has never heard of a Google or a subreddit (for that matter, does Dean actually know what a subreddit is?), but it seems like there’s a glimmer of hope deep in those scum-holes.

 Sam gets translations for a few of the words – “obedience” and something he’s fifty percent sure means “millstone” – but the rest is still gobbledygook, and he hasn’t come down with another update in hours. The dungeon is pretty roomy, but it’s not like there’s a foosball table or a cable TV pickup down there, so Dean and Bones wind up lying on the cold-ass ground, staring up into the dark reaches of the ceiling together and, like. Chatting.

Occasionally Bones goes quiet and Dean glances over at him. He really could just be a totally normal, completely dead dungeon skeleton. A good power washing and the right mounting hardware and he’d be ready for a high school biology classroom.

“So if these runes are a celestial thing, does that mean you’re some kinda demonic...thing?” Dean asks. “Cause I gotta say, you’re a much less of a douche than the demons I’ve met.” He snorts. “I know you probably can’t say.”

Bones sighs (how? With what lungs?). “The last person who tried to free me was a demon.” He shifts a little, maybe surprised that he can say this out loud. “It had been so long since somebody had spoken to me…I’m afraid I came close to actually enjoying his company. But he was no better than his kind usually are.”

“Don’t suppose you caught his name? Maybe Sam or me killed him for you already.”

“He called himself—no, I can’t say it.” He makes a sound resembling a harumph.

Then his skull creaks over to look at Dean. “Does your name start with ‘C’?” he says, very deliberately.

Dean is momentarily puzzled, but he works it out by the time Bones wincingly adds “…because I’ve got a D that wants to come behind you.”

There aren’t too many demons under the “C” tab in Dean’s blood-stained mental rolodex, and when he says the name out loud, Bones makes a sound like an entire set of dominos being thrown down a spiral staircase.

  Crowley is pretty pissed, which is fun.

It’s nice that the dungeon floor already has a perfect trap on the floor; they don’t even have to hit up Ace Hardware for paint. A damp shop cloth and a little nail polish (Wet ’n Wild in “Red Red,” don’t leave home without it) brings it right up to working order.

“Why does it smell like a nail salon fucked a bloody wine cellar?” Crowley says, after he’s settled down a bit. He manifested right in the creepy torture chair (in the shackles, even! What service!) and he made some escape attempts followed by angry noises about rust stains. Now he’s recovered his dignity and has kicked back a bit, legs crossed, fingers steepled, oozing maximum levels of 2 cool 4 school.

“How do you know what a nail salon smells like?” Dean retorts.

“I get a monthly mani-pedi. There’s no shame in a little self-care, boys.” Crowley’s eyes trickle down to their feet. “Imagine what fungal horrors those work boots must conceal.” Then he squints, and looks up, finally taking in the whole room. “Could swear I’ve been here before. Little upscale for you, isn’t it? Did we splurge for a vacation rental?”

“Crowley, why don’t we roleplay Titanic?” Bones growls from the wall behind him, and Crowley’s face goes slack. “I’ll be the iceberg, and you can go down.”

Crowley swallows and slowly twists back, as far as the shackles let him. “Feathers, is that you? Well, as I live and breathe.”

“You do neither,” says Bones, with so much gravelly contempt that Dean suppresses a little shiver.

“Oh, I still breathe now and then, when the mood takes me. I’m a sentimentalist.” Crowley cranes his neck a little harder and squints into the dim. “Goodness, you’ve dropped some weight since we last spoke, haven’t you. Finally let go of all that pesky soft tissue?”

Bones tilts forward and kind of clatters onto hands and knees, then tipsily begins to rise up to standing. Dean’s a little concerned he’s gonna topple right over and they’re gonna spend the next two hours collecting him in a basket, but when he moves to help out, Bones waves him off. After a couple false starts he makes it up onto his feet bones and then shuffles out to the end of his chain, right under one of the overhead lights. He’s still a good couple feet off from Crowley, but Crowley looks like he wouldn’t mind a few extra acres.

Bones sways a little bit, just enough for Crowley to wince. “You didn’t come back.”

“I got busy.”

Sam shifts impatiently. “What is he?” he snaps, gesturing at Bones.

“Exceedingly dull,” Crowley says. “I should’ve guessed you were friends.”

Dean uncorks a fresh bottle of holy water.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Crowley amends, quickly. “And even if you did, you wouldn’t know what to do with him. It’d be like giving a laptop to a pair of howler monkeys.”

Dean puts his thumb over the mouth of the water bottle and holds it over Crowley’s head. “Try me.”

Crowley scoffs, rolls his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what he is, since he’s useless as long as he’s chained up. And I wouldn’t have left him down here if I had a single clue how to smuggle him out.  I haven’t even been in here since the Bay of Pigs; I’d worked a loophole in one of the defense spells here that let me in. When it broke down, I lost my exploit. Wasn’t worth the bother after that.”

Dean slides his thumb a millimeter north of a perfect seal, and a fat drop of water busts its ass open on Crowley’s forehead and sends up a thin line of steam. “Good thing I’ve got a limitless supply of bother,” Dean notes. “Sam, we still got those syringes in the trunk?”

Crowley snarls. “Go ahead and melt me like the cartoon shoe in Roger Rabbit, it’s not going magically make me come up with a solution.”

Bones grunts and rattles his leg chain. “Do you speak Spanish, Crowley? Because you look like the Juan for me.”

“Did I teach you that one? You absolute xylophone.” Crowley glances back at Dean. “Do your worst, Squirrel, I deserve it.”

Sam frowns. “He uses the lines to get around the spell’s speech restrictions. This is something about speaking languages…were you able translate the Enochian symbols on his cuff?”

Crowley blinks. “What symbols?”

 After a whole lot of faffing around with mirrors and terrible cellphone photography, they confirm that Crowley can’t see the symbols at all.

“More demon-proofing. Clever little buggers, those Men of Letters,” Crowley sighs. “A real shame they were peeled and eaten like bananas.”

Finally Sam just hunkers down with a pencil and pad to transcribe the entire ankle cuff, and Dean awkwardly holds up Bones’s ankle, like he’s being sized for a glass slipper. When they shove the results in Crowley’s face, Dean watches his eyes dart along the words.

“Well, it’s your lucky day, boys. Along with the usual wankery, there are instructions on how to release the cuff. I can translate it,” he finally says, with an unusually low inflection of bullshit, “but I’ll thank you to release me, first.”

Dean is flummoxed. “What, you’re not gonna haggle for a cut of the profits or anything?”

“Activating the release mechanism will free him completely, and restore his…restore him. I’d rather be at a safe distance.” He glances back at Bones, looming in the shadows. “A continent or three should do the trick.”

“If it doesn’t work–“

“I’d be more worried about what happens if it does,” Crowley sighs.  “But feel free to summon me back for tea and sympathy. Here, I’ll even give you my number. But please, no personal photography. I pity you enough as it is.”

  Crowley finally smokes out, and Dean has a beer to celebrate while Sam looks over the list of what they need and Bones clatters his fingertips like castanets. The ingredients are (as always) larded with shit that’s exotic and expensive; Sam is looking crestfallen at some of the items. “I’ve heard of all of this, but I’ve only seen maybe half of it for sale anywhere.”

“Baby, are you a yard sale? Because you’ve got some serious junk in that trunk,” Bones monotones. He’s back to lying on the floor.

At least it’s getting easier to translate this shit. “They’ve got all the ingredients here somewhere,” Dean says. Sam looks skeptical. “C’mon, Sam, no way these dudes would use a lock when they didn’t have the key.”

The ensuing scavenger hunt takes a few pints of elbow grease, but at least by the end they’re both familiar with the Bunker’s floor plan, document filing system, and inventory records. They find virtually everything in-house, though they do end up driving to the nearest farm stand for some hen’s eggs and rosemary (and heirloom tomatoes, because they look bomb).

Dean christens – or maybe exorcises – the kitchen range with some red meat, and they fuel up with burgers before taking the plunge. Dean’s still licking the ketchup off his fingers when Bones pipes up one last time. “Can I ask you something?” he says.

Dean and Sam brace for impact.

Bones sighs. “That’s not the start of a pickup line. I genuinely have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Why are you so intent on freeing me? You could have just left me down here. I’m not a threat this way. You only have Crowley’s word that you might profit - or suffer - from my release.”

Sam gives Dean a look; it’s the look that says I sure hope you have an answer, because I think this entire thing has been dumb as shit and half as necessary. It’s a look Sam uses pretty regularly.

“Uh. It’s the right thing to do? As far as I can tell, you haven’t hurt anybody or done anything else to deserve being down here. We went through all those records upstairs, and there’s no note that says ‘by the way, that skeleton downstairs eats babies for breakfast.’ This place is cool, but the dudes who built it were obviously shady as fuck.”

“I see.” Bones sounds a little disappointed.

Sam fake-coughs into his hand, and Dean sets down his paper napkin. “Also, you seem cool. Like, you’re easy to hang out with. Other than the stinky one-liners, and we’re gonna wean you off of those.”

Bones straightens himself out a little. “Thank you, Dean. You know, on a scale of one to ten, I’d rate you a nine.”

“Okay, okay. Why not a ten?”

Bones sets his chin on his knuckle bones with a tidy little clack. “Because I’m the one you’re missing.”

Dean groans, but he thinks the guy might be smiling, somewhere behind that skeletal grin.

 By hour two, Sam’s pretty tuckered out from pulverizing a billion and three mummified dove livers while reciting nonsense syllables, and Dean’s right arm is about to fall off from holding up this giant silver swizzle stick that’s either a really weird short sword or a decorative javelin, but Bones has never looked perkier. He’s lying on a nice white bedsheet and looking fresh as a recently exhumed daisy.

“Okay,” Sam rasps. “Light the candle and we should be good to go. Any last words, Bones?”

“Are either of you religious?” He crosses his arm bones over each other.

“Fuck no,” Dean answers, before Sam gets a chance to launch into it.

Bones shakes his skull fondly. “You should reconsider. Because you’re the answer to my prayers.”

Dean makes a gagging noise and lights the candle.

 What happens next (well, after the cuff pops open) is some of the freakiest shit that Dean has ever seen, and his Freaky CV is pretty fucking impressive, thanks. Bones tells them to avert their eyes, “just in case”, but he takes a peek between his fingers anyway, because he’s an idiot.

For a second Bones is just lying there, and Dean has a second of real disappointment that maybe he’s Moved On Past The Veil or something, but then he starts…foaming. It starts out kind of uniform and colorless, but then it really picks up speed and volume and starts to separate into swaths of distinct and horrible colors and textures. He closes his eyes again for a second to give his stomach a chance to reboot, and when he looks again the foam is gone, and instead there’s a whole lot of angry jelly trying to form into organs.

Just as the jelly is really getting its shit together and looking more like lungs and intestines and stuff, the heart-jelly pulses once and sends out a fistful of big squishy vines…veins? and a fat white worm of nerve scrambles down the spinal column and starts putting out franchises. This is followed by some disturbingly tasty-looking red sheets of muscle that swiftly sheathe over all the whole scene, and then the muscles start sweating out fat and cartilage and this is the point where Dean decides that looking away is actually definitely one hundred percent for the best. Even then, the sounds are tough to handle.

Kinda wild: he’s seen people taken apart, but watching one get put back together is somehow gnarlier. Well, if this guy is even a person. It’s a human skeleton, sure, but god knows even Mickey Rourke has one under there.

Finally everything seems to have quieted down.

“How you doin’ over there, Bones?” Dean asks, and dares to take a peek.

Bones is crouched down in front of them, fists balled up in the bedsheets (it’s a relief that the bedsheets didn’t get accidentally sucked into the muscle layer or something, like one of those surgeons who leaves a sponge behind). Dean sees white guy skin and some dark messy hair and gets the gist of a decent build.

The face slowly cranes upwards, and Dean is really truly ready for anything here; tusks, fangs, Klingon forehead ridges, gingivitis. Instead he gets a faceful of hot math teacher. Bones’s eyes are still closed, but he’s frowning like he’s mentally reviewing his strategy to explain the quadratic equation to a roomful of horny teens.

He slowly rises to standing (yikes! Naked! Dean is a Moderately Bad Man, so he glances, but just long enough to register “nice), uncurling slowly and carefully.

Then he’s all the way up. Bones squares his shoulders and straightens the last kink in his spine, and the frown resolves. Dean’s about to say something, when his eyes snap open, and this cold white light absolutely blasts out of them, and fuck, Crowley wasn’t kidding: this guy is definitely A Thing. The whole room flattens and distorts in the light. Shadows race up the walls like they’re looking for a way out, then snap together into the shape of enormous ragged wings, stretching thirty feet higher than the actual ceiling clearance.

Then the light dies down; the wings fade into regular-grade shadows. Instead of a terrifying unearthly avatar of Oh Shit, Dean’s looking at a buck naked thirty-something math teacher. Who happens to be an unearthly avatar of Oh Shit. And has nice eyes.

“My name is Castiel, angel of the Lord, Seraph of the First Shield,” the avatar says, in a piss-shakingly resonant version of Bones’s voice.

Then: “Do you speak English, Dean?”

“Yes?” Dean fumbles.

“So do I,” says Castiel, and smiles.

Then he makes finger-guns.

  Castiel sticks around for a grand total of five minutes before he’s suddenly gone again, because angels are (a) real and they can (b) teleport? at (c) any moment because (d) fuck you, then he reappears six hours later (clothed) standing over Dean’s bed, having apparently forgotten that humans like to sleep; this time Dean does shoot him, but luckily he doesn’t seem to take it personally.   

“I located Crowley,” Bo- Castiel says. The silver sword-javelin thing is sitting on the kitchen counter in front of him; apparently it’s an Angel Blade and it lives in Castiel’s coat sleeve and can vaporize demons. It doesn’t look like it has any Crowley on it, but maybe it’s self-cleaning.

“Did you kill him?” Dean asks, now that he’s semi-coherent and wrapped around a cup of coffee in the kitchen.

“Not this time,” Cas answers. “He did help, after all.”

“Sure,” says Dean.

“You don’t need to let me fuck you in the ass, either,” Castiel says, and Dean honks some coffee up the back of his nose.

“Oh,” he gasps. “Okay. Cool. Thanks. Didn’t realize you could hear that convo all the way down there.”

“Angels have excellent hearing. Mine wasn’t impacted by the spell.”

Dean can think of at least three very private moments Castiel almost definitely could hear every instant of, and longs for death. Or maybe not, since apparently this guy lives in Heaven and could hear him there, too. “Great. Good to know. Noted.”

“But…” Castiel looks wistful.

“What?” Dean nudges him. Dean Winchester: angel nudger.

Castiel frowns. “If I said…” he stops himself. “This is…what I want to say is very irregular, at least between angels and humans.”

“Jesus christ on a goddamn pogo stick, man. It’s three in the morning, some of us have a circadian rhythm and a limited lifespan. Say whatever it is you gotta say.”

Castiel looks up and drowns Dean in his swimming pool eyes, which Dean has learned belong to a radio ad salesman in Illinois, who Castiel possessed a few years back before jumping several decades into the past to run some errands and getting rope-a-doped by the Men of Letters and then warehoused in their basement; after they all spontaneously bought the farm, he just slowly ran out of the power reserves needed to keep his vessel from turning to mush and hey presto, talking skeleton.

Classic story, really.

“If I said you had a beautiful body, Dean,” Castiel says, solemnly, “Would you hold it against m-“

Dean doesn’t let him finish. {AO3 version}

[leonawriter]

My Personal Takes on Stormbringer:

Without a full and accurate translation to go through in one sitting, it’s still hard to get a handle on things properly. That said, thank you to everyone who’s working on it. 

Now.

(please note all quotes are my memory of translations I have read, and are not verbatim.)

-Asagiri, please, you do not need to make so many coding analogies with regards to Chuuya and Verlaine. They don’t work.

-It often feels - not just in this book but also in 55 Minutes, where there are tight restrictions on a time travel ability - that Asagiri limits abilities based on how scientifically accurate they are. However, this doesn’t make sense! why should it! Literature should be an expression of freedom. There should be rules - the same way the Page has rules - but in the sense of Magic A is Magic A. You make up the rules and then you don’t break them in future. Why have Kunikida able to create something with a mass heavier than a piece of paper out of a page of his notebook, but then say you can’t do [x/y/z] because it’s scientifically unviable?

-I have no issue with how skk treat each other. they are chaos teens. let them be. like... this is the beginning of their actual trust. they’re also in the mafia, and in a dark time in their lives. it’s fine. (it isn’t, but at the same time, it kinda is.)

-I feel like Chuuya taking things from other people and making that thing “his” fits him as a character? he had nothing before, so when you have nothing, all you have is what people give you. If someone gives him a bike, then that bike is his now. He has to learn to look after it, love it, and respect it, and he’ll remember that friend by it. Same goes for pretty much anything else. Also, it’s a show of how well Chuuya adapts to things, and what things he chooses to pick up.

-The hat. I do not like how the hat was treated. Making it into the key that helps Chuuya be able to activate Corruption cheapens the meaning and weight of having been given the hat as a memento of the first person who told him to live as a human being. Why not have the hat be a reminder of his humanity in a purely sentimental way? I’m going to ignore anything canon about this and just say it’s sentimental. Which, like, it could have been a safety blanket type thing, not pseudo-science.

-The coding in Chuuya’s body is a bit... of a reach? How do you put that in there? I don’t get it. Just say that there’s a possibility he might die if he uses Corruption, or that he’ll never become “Chuuya” again. That he’d lose himself utterly. The log history can be either on a chip (insert Dazai making “lost dog, if found return to the mafia” jokes here) or on something else that could easily be destroyed during the course of the story (or not).

-Dazai living in the shipping container reads to me like an extreme version of “I do not want to be found I do not want to be helped I am worthless trash and what’s the point in having an actual home if I plan on dying any day anyway.” Verlaine asks what drove him there, and Dazai says “you” and tbh that offers up so many questions (like, was the shipping container thing recent, was it temporary, or what). There’s the possibility that Dazai doesn’t always live there, because otherwise he’d suffer from hypothermia and get pneumonia in the winter! But above all, Mori had nothing to do with this. He was probably terrified to go too close in case he got killed. Stop saying Dazai lives here because “poor baby was abused :(” that sure was not it.

-Dazai goes all this way - plotting for ages, since before the beginning of the book, having been number one on Verlaine’s hit list, just to get the truth about Chuuya’s humanity and to preserve it - because “I want to see Chuuya suffer as a human being” is him saying he doesn’t want to see Chuuya become like him, or inhuman, because that’s not Chuuya. (dude, there ain’t a straight explanation for this...)

-following on from the previous, Dazai refusing to just let things be the moment he realises that it’d mean double suiciding with Chuuya. I personally see that as a shippy moment because Dazai had already given up on Chuuya being alive (if I read the translation right) and in that case, dying would just be letting go. But Mori says “yeah but I don’t think he’s dead yet?” and that, along with the “double suicide” thing, makes Dazai go “absolutely NOT.”

OK a related thing - as far as I remember, when IRL Dazai attempted double suicide, right up until his actual death it would result in either a failure or... his partner dying and him surviving. The cold potential of this happening in BSD if Dazai had just given up reminded me of that.

-Regardless of my thoughts on how it was handled, Stormbringer reinforced my previous ideas about how Chuuya basically IS Arahabaki. It also suggests that Arahabaki was more of a sentient ability than a true “god” but... that’s fine. For me, all I cared about was that all those “Arahabaki is an evil being that is constantly trying to take over Chuuya and Corruption is Arahabaki being let out” takes are not true. It’s... basically Chuuya taking the lid off his power. I joked at one point that Corruption is Chuuya going “I’m so pissed off I’m gonna kick the door open and throw away the key” and Dazai going “go for it babe, I got your key.”

-Rimbaud and Verlaine are... very complicated characters? They’re not easy to get a handle on. I sometimes find myself liking them and sometimes find myself disliking them, and that’s something that’ll be easier when I have a full translation available - and one of Fifteen. Rimbaud was held back by seeing Chuuya, at first, as nothing more than an empty vessel to Arahabaki’s power, while Verlaine was so taken over by grief without understanding how to handle that, that he became a monster up until the end of the story. Neither of them were good people. That said, their relationship to each other? It’s very complicated and reminds me of their IRL selves to a point but without the skeevy nature and without it going so far, so kudos to that.

-Adam. Knowing his creator was a ten year old girl makes so much sense when you look at the things he says and does. He doesn’t get so much. He’s very logical, but doesn’t understand that a game of billiards isn't as much of an icebreaker as he thinks it should be. Surprised by bubble gum. Games like “strange things humans do” are very much like the word games kids play in the car. 

-Verlaine being the fifth executive was something I did not predict at all, whatsoever, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Like... how did he get to that point. Only so much can be said in a few paragraphs (it seems) of “this is [x] number of years in the future where Chuuya’s an executive now.” 

The last we see of him, he’s overcome by grief, hatless, and he seems to have only just realised how much he wished he could return what Rimbaud gave to him. (Ironically, by being able to grieve like that, it shows that he is capable of what he thinks he can’t do - same as Dazai.)

But how does he become an executive? Do they come to him slowly at first, and they gradually build up trust? Does he stay in contact with Chuuya? Do they see each other properly as brothers now, or not? I can’t help but feel that as it’s a long time - six years, in fact - between Stormbringer and canon, some bond of trust must have been built. The mafia protects Verlaine from the authorities and from the outside world just the same as Kouyou says that she wants to do for Kyouka, and the same as they’re there for Chuuya, too. So. A Verlaine who trains the mafia’s best assassins not because he’s forced into it, but because he feels the same loneliness as Chuuya, and finds that it helps? A Verlaine who learns slowly that he can care about more people than just Rimbaud and Chuuya? Holy shit yes please. A Verlaine who is loyal and protective and who you should be glad is in a (probably) gilded prison of the mafia’s basement, because otherwise he would actually do so many things to those who would harm his family.

Let’s just say - if I think of Arahabaki as a guardian or protector god who is just plain destructive because it can’t help that, then Chuuya and Verlaine looking and acting in similar ways because they share that same “parent” in a sense, makes sense. They are no longer just Arahabaki, they’re “Chuuya” and “Verlaine” - but they also share traits such as “Papa Wolf” and “lonely” and “violent,” among others.

-At least twice, pre-Soukoku Dazai and Chuuya refer to how they’re constantly thinking of each other. No, they don’t mean in positive ways, but they’re chaos teens and it’s still strong emotion. Chuuya mentions how he’s thought of at least 190 ways to punish Dazai for the things that he does (which also implies how their relationship is equal, and Dazai doesn’t call all the shots, and doesn’t get away with everything scot-free), and Dazai says that Verlaine can’t possibly win against him, because Dazai “spends all of his time, waking and sleeping, thinking of ways to annoy and harass Chuuya,” (quote not perfect.) 

We also have Chuuya having Dazai appear to him first in his hallucinations, which I see as Chuuya’s inner Dazai-voice saying all the worst things, and ironically not actually saying or meaning things that would get across what real Dazai would want him to feel; in other words, that’s Chuuya’s view of him, or his mind searching for the one person he’d believe it to realistically come from.

As well, Dazai saying “there’s no way Chuuya could be an artificially constructed personality, because no one could create a personality that I [hate/that annoys me] so much.” Which, like... sure... you tell yourself that, kid...

Basically, they’re all the kinds of things that teenagers who don’t really get how strong feelings like these work yet, who are still figuring themselves (and their orientations, probably) out, would say if they don’t even like that other person that much, but they’re still attracted to them. A strong “why does it have to be THEM?” haha. And yet, as others have pointed out, Chuuya seems more on the oblivious side than Dazai, since as said, Dazai goes to all this effort and seems fond (but only when Chuuya’s not looking, dumbass) but Chuuya just... doesn’t get it.

A shorter summary of my thoughts and feelings?

Chuuya suffers, but is ultimately happier for it no matter whether he’s one of the clones or whether he’s the original (it’s arguable either way, and I don’t mind either way) as he’s still Chuuya. His bond with the mafia is also stronger than so many people think it is. They’re literally his adopted family. Even if he chose to leave, he’d still see them as family. I can’t see him leaving. He’s just... they’re family... don’t tear them apart...

The skk is strong, no matter what people say, because this is the start and it’s the end of their first year in the mafia and it’s not supposed to be a healthy time, for fuck’s sake. They’re both all sorts of messed up. They’re allowed to be. This is a time when that’s kinda the point of the book. But yeah, the trust and the bond is real.

Verlaine. I am now fascinated by Verlaine. I was so sure before the spoilers and translations came out that I’d hate him. I no longer do. He confuses me but I NEED TO KNOW MORE. 

[auncyen]

Ok ok so I'd been idly thinking about updating "Chats with Joker in Mementos" for Royal for a while, except as far as I know there aren't any transcriptions for the Royal Mementos chats like there is for Vanilla...

So...after some questionable use of my time, I now have a list of a good chunk of the starters in Royal. Only starters, not responses, since the point of the fic is having Joker be the one to respond, and I didn't transcribe ones I didn't think would be interesting for him to respond to, but still, if anyone does ever look to do a complete transcription, this might be helpful as a start? Or just interesting if you want to see what some characters talk about. Spoilers for third semester below cut.

Ryuji: Man, we really bust our asses to get stronger in here. I wish it meant we got stronger in the real world too.

Ryuji: Man, I had this horrible dream last night… Can’t remember a thing about it, though.

Ryuji: Ya know what? I guess Mona does have a mask, technically.

Ryuji: Yo, the way he jumps behind Shadows is so sick!

Ryuji: Yo, is it just me, or is fallin’ asleep getting tougher every night? At this point, I’m outta ideas of what to do.

Ryuji: Kinda fiendin’ for some ramen right about now… Maybe I’ll hit up Ogikubo when we get back.

RyujI: So lately, I’ve been tryin’ to work some training into my nightly routine before bed.

Ryuji: Hey, is it just me, or is Morgana’s sword basically the same size as Joker’s knife?

Ryuji: My mom made gyudon last night! My fave! Now I’ve got, like, fifty times more energy than usual!

Ryuji: This phantom thief stuff feels real as hell whenever he’s flyin’ around with that grappling hook.

Ryuji: Dude, that grappling hook is awesome! He looks like a freakin’ superhero with that thing!

Ryuji: Aww man, I just can’t get enough of those Akihabara maids…

Ryuji: Aren’t knives kinda hard to use ‘cause of their shortness? I definitely prefer my own shit.

Ryuji: I always thought darts looked easy—just aim for the board, y’know? But, it’s waaay harder than that.

Ryuji: Every try the monja in Tsukishima? That stuff is LEGIT.

Ryuji: Yo, does this outfit really make me look like I’m part of some biker gang?

-

Morgana: Listen, it’s not that I look like a cat. Cats just happen to look like me.

Morgana: I repeat: I am not a cat. To prove it, I took an actual bath yesterday.

Morgana: So, cats love to chase mice, right? I don’t get it—where’s the fun in that?

Morgana: I’m always so entranced by Panther’s whip technique!

Morgana: Panther, we have matching tails!

Morgana: You know, I’ve never actually been in a car before. Is it anything like I am now?

Morgana: I definitely made the right decision giving him the code name “Joker.”

Morgana: I’m willing to bet Joker’s skilled enough to use throwing knives.

Morgana: Anime, books, movies… Phantom thieves sure are popular.

Morgana: Last night I dreamt that Phantom Thieves were kicking some serious butt—let’s bring that dream to life!

Morgana: I can teach you everything you need to know about being a phantom thief. Relax—you’re in good hands!

Morgana: *yawn* I didn’t get enough sleep…

Morgana: I couldn’t fall asleep at all last night. I just laid there with my eyes open…

Morgana: I like Yongen-Jaya; it’s a great place for a stroll.

Morgana: Is Shujin Academy the only thing in Aoyama?

Morgana: I was vegetating in front of the TV last night, and I have to say, there are some pretty decent shows on now.

-

Ann: The bakery had a sale yesterday and I ended up buying everything they had!

Ann: The Ferris wheel is a must for me at theme parks, every time. I love being able to just relax.

Ann: I have an upcoming shoot at a theme park, but what sucks is how I can’t go on any of the rides.

Ann: Last night I dreamt I was eating a chocolate bar, then all of a sudden, it got mad and started chasing me!

Ann: Every once in a while I have a dream where I get chased by a Shadow…

Ann: I’ve been sleeping really well since I started getting all this exercise.

Ann: I was up late watching TV last night, so I might be a little sleep deprived…

Ann: I tend to do my clothes shopping in Kichijoji—it’s fun looking through all the resale shops.

Ann: I hate when people ask me to say stuff in English just ‘cause I lived overseas.

Ann: It always bothers me when foreign movie subtitles leave stuff out or take too many liberties.

Ann: I was talking to my overseas friend the other day—her straightforward attitude was really refreshing!

Ann: I was talking to Shiho on the phone and before I knew it, three whole hours had passed!

Ann: Joker seems like he’d make a good cook, doesn’t he? I mean, he’s great with his knife and all…

Ann: It’s actually quite exhilarating to attack with a whip. I wonder why that is…

Ann: Whenever my foreign relatives come to Japan, they always rave about how much they love Japanese food!

Ann: Do you think there’s anything I can do about my outfit? I feel like I stand out too much in this…

Ann: Is there a difference between a whip and a grappling hook?

Ann: Ya know, Skull’s always been into skull designs and stuff.

Ann: Wouldn’t a grappling hook be awfully handy in the real world?

-

Yusuke: I wish to paint the world as only I see it. The best way to succeed at this is through practice.

Yusuke: It’s fun to walk around and inspect different temples and shrines. The architecture is always impressive.

Yusuke: If Shadows are sentient, do you think their being moved by a painting would invoke a change of heart?

Yusuke: There have been times where I was compelled to create three-dimensional art.

Yusuke: I’m quite curious about Mona’s Western-style sword…

Yusuke: I hear whips are quite difficult to use. Where did you learn how to wield one?

Yusuke: Joker using a grappling hook…. That would make for a picture-perfect composition.

Yusuke: Mona, what exactly do you have in those pouches?

Yusuke: Creating a piece of art is pointless unless I can convey the full essence of the subject.

Yusuke: Art museums stimulate my creativity like no other place—I wish I could live inside one.

Yusuke: Skull and I both use long melee weapons, but they’re total opposites of one another.

Yusuke: Why does my outfit have a tail? I don’t understand…

Yusuke: I considered growing my own bean sprouts, but it seems to be more expensive than buying them grown.

Yusuke: I once had a dream that I washed up on a deserted island. I painted as much as I pleased… So wonderful.

Yusuke: I may specialize in Japanese-style painting, but I’d like to learn some Western techniques as well.

Yusuke: That grappling hook is very useful. I should find a way to utilize one in my daily life.

Yusuke: The other day, I went into the mountains to gather vegetables so I could cut back on food expenses.

Yusuke: I tried to paint a landscape of the starry sky once, but it’s quite difficult to do so from within the city.

Yusuke: India ink isn’t my specialty, but I’ve been experimenting with it in some recent work, just for fun.

-

Makoto: I may have stopped being a doormat for adults, but people are still calling me a “teacher’s pet.”

Makoto: A phantom thief’s body is their most vital asset. We need to make sure we eat balanced, nutritious meals.

Makoto: Do you enjoy visiting theme parks? I’ve rarely been to one myself.

Makoto: Fox looks cooler using his katana than I had originally imagined.

Makoto: I had the weirdest dream… I was at school, but I was wearing my phantom thief outfit.

Makoto: Would anyone care to learn how to drive, while we’re here? This place seems as good as any for practice.

Makoto: I know it’s not very healthy, but I do enjoy eating ramen from time to time.

Makoto: Once I’ve graduated, I’m going to buy a motorcycle and go on a road trip.

Makoto: I’ve been working on my grades because I still want to attend college, despite being a phantom thief.

Makoto: I want to read a certain book, but it’s out of print. Where do you suppose I could find a copy?

Makoto: Maybe I’m just burned out, but waking up has grown awfully difficult lately.

Makoto: The grappling hook’s cable seems pretty strong, but it’s scary to think what could happen if it snapped.

Makoto: Once my sister brought home some sushi for me. It was indescribably good…

-

Futaba: I heard rhythm’s an important part of fighting, sooo… I started playing a rhythm game!

Futaba: There’s going to be an event tonight in the MMO I play. I can’t wait!

Futaba: This MMO I’m hooked on is really cool. Do you wanna play with me? Oh—it’s in English, though.

Futaba: I’m about to beat the game I’ve been playing. Wonder what I should play next?

Futaba: I’ve been going outside a lot more, so now I’m sleeping way better than I did when I was a shut-in.

Futaba: Guess what? I’m making a game called “Hungry Hungry Mona”!

Futaba: You know who’s a really good driver, is Sojiro. He can parallel park with his eyes closed!

Futaba: If you could shoot grappling hooks from your hands, you’d probably be able to get around just using those!

Futaba: Ya know, I’ve thought about workin’ out and fighting alongside you guys.

Futaba: You guys should try playing shooters! It could help you improve your gun skills.

Futaba: Last night I had a dream my hard drive failed… That was scary.

Futaba: Wouldn’t it be cool if you could mod the grappling hook so it was electrified?

Futaba: Sure, the internet’s convenient, but it’s not like it can do everything. Don’t overestimate its capabilities.

Futaba: I wonder if I’d be okay going to some place by myself if it wasn’t crowded. Inokashira Park seems nice.

Futaba: Yesterday Sojiro bought me my favorite instant yakisoba!

Futaba: Maybe I should get a gun too, just for self-defense… Nah, my hands need to be empty.

-

Haru: I found this cafe in Kichioji with phenomenal tea—would you care to try it sometime?

Haru: I ordered kusaya but they refused to make it—they said they couldn’t get the smell out of the kitchen.

Haru: I feel like I need to learn more about the world, but I’m not sure how to best go about it.

Haru: Recently, I’ve been finding rare delicacies rather enticing…

Haru: Even lately, I sometimes dream about doing phantom thief things with Mona.

Haru: If you’re having trouble getting yourself to relax, I recommend herbal tea.

Haru: Asakusa is a wonderful area—I love how it’s this blend of the old and the new.

Haru: Ever since I started high school I’ve been taking the train in the morning, but I’m still not used to it…

Haru: Queen, your mask looks like it’s made of iron. Doesn’t it get heavy?

Haru: Joker’s so acrobatic! He’s really got the hang of that grappling hook.

Haru: I don’t think I’ve gotten this much exercise since I was in ballet.

Haru: Let me know if you ever get a tear in your clothing—I’m good at sewing, so I could most likely fix it.

Haru: I dreamt that the vegetables I’d been growing all died… I was so sad.

Haru: Your weapon seems fun, Skull. Do you want to swap sometime?

Haru: Sometimes it’s impossible for me to fall asleep on days that we’ve been to Palaces, no matter how tired I am.

Haru: You know, before this, I’d never considered using an axe for anything other than chopping firewood…

Haru: My hands have gotten all calloused… I supposed it comes with the territory in gardening.

-

Akechi: I have no intention of changing my stance on matters, no matter what anyone may say.

Akechi: Pancakes... I don’t want to hear that word again for a long, long time.

Akechi: We don’t have much time left. Please do what you can to avoid getting sick.

Akechi: The enemies are stronger than ever. Don’t let your guard down.

Akechi: A world that panders to your every whim is so mundane. Where’s the thrill if there’s no competition?

Akechi: Do you prefer my previous outfit or this one? Moving around’s become much easier for me.

Akechi: This place is immense. If there weren’t train tracks everywhere, I’d bring my bike here.

Akechi: We’re working under the constraints of a time limit, so I’d appreciate it if you could be more efficient.

Akechi: If you’re looking for a way to train both your mind and your body, I highly recommend bouldering.

Akechi: You think I’m frightening when I fight? Well, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to accept it.

Akechi: I meant to tell you, regarding Shido… Thank you for keeping your promise.

Akechi: You may not like working with me, but I’m counting on your assistance until our goal is achieved.

Akechi: When we’re riding in the car like this, it’s easy to forget that we’re actually inside Mona.

Akechi: The Shadows here behave differently from the ones in the Palaces, don’t they?

Akechi: I’m getting a bit hungry. I should’ve eaten beforehand.

Akechi: I enjoy spending time in Kichijoji. It’s not very big, but there are plenty of trendy shops.

Akechi: Riding in the car may beat walking, but it doesn’t stop my legs from growing stiff and sore…

-

Sumire: I have a few different superstitions for good luck in my routines… They get sort of hard to drop.

Sumire: It was already hard for me to believe Palaces existed, but to think there’s such a massive one under Shibuya…

Sumire: It’s a bit cramped in here with this many people…

Sumire: I get stiff all over from just sitting in the car.

Sumire: Why is the one desert you get to eat during the week so delicious?

Sumire: A phantom thief outfit represents a person’s image of their rebellion, right?

Sumire: I wonder if I should try incorporating another sport into my gymnastics training.

Sumire: I wonder what I could use as inspiration for my performances…

Sumire: Swords are actually pretty hard to wield.

Sumire: Whenever I travel, I always end up buying some sort of good luck charm.

Sumire: Your outfits are all so unique. I can see coordinating them wasn’t a priority.

Sumire: This time of year, a heating pad’s an absolute must for keeping warm.

Sumire: Sometimes people will just walk up to me and ask me to show them a standing split.

Sumire: I’m in top shape today! Let’s keep going.

Sumire: Do you all stretch beforehand? You could pull a muscle if you don’t.

Sumire: It’s too bad gymnastics competitions aren’t on TV more often.

Sumire: Fighting makes for a pretty good workout, doesn’t it?

-

while I didn't transcribe responses, I did notice something a bit disappointing: neither Sumire nor Akechi seemed to have responses for anyone else. It's possible I missed one?? But not being able to remember any, they must not have many if they do have some. A bit odd.

[thebestbooksaround]

Hi! I was wondering if you had any druid Stiles recs?? Steter or Sterek!!😘😘

Yes! Well, I have a Magic Stiles list, so it kinda combines Druid, Spark, Emissary, Witch, and plain old Magic Stiles into one. 

I Know Where Babies Come From, Derek by DiscontentedWinter [Series]

Sterek | 51k | Varies by Installation

Stiles finds a baby on the porch.

It looks exactly like him.

Well, this is awkward.

Actions Speak Louder than Words by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

Sterek | 434k | Explicit

“I apologize.” The cop finally looked back up at his face, seeming thrilled. “It’s just—it’s been so long. And we finally have you.”

That was a bad word. Not found.

Have.

Stiles wrenched his hand free and took a step back, but before he could even think up a gameplan, he felt a prick in his neck and jerked away, reaching up to slap one hand against it and twisting in the same moment.

One of the others had come up behind him while he hadn’t been paying attention, and his vision began to swim even as his eyes caught sight of the half-empty syringe the guy was holding.

Growing Up, Growing Strong by cywscross

Steter | 9k | Teen

Stiles is adopted by the Hales.

Hooverville by twothumbsandnostakeincanon (somanyofthekids)

Steter | 11k | Explicit

Town to town, train to train, tent to tent.

By 1932, the dust had begun to blow and the jobs were gone.

Anonymity was a byproduct of looking for work, which made it both necessary and convenient.

Stiles had enough secrets of his own to know to look the other way when he saw something that shouldn’t be possible.

The ghost of a tail giving enough balance to disembark a moving train.

Near silent Latin whispered on the edge of a tent encampment.

A flash of burning eyes.

He had more than enough to worry about without adding the oddities of others, and besides- having unusually sharp teeth certainly didn’t make a man worse than the ones running from the wife and kids they couldn’t feed.

So Stiles kept his observations to himself. He kept his everything to himself.

Until he met a man. One with eyes so blue they seemed to glow- and then they did.

Stiles tried to look away, but for the first time he was stopped.

“Don’t be like that sweetheart. Aren’t you curious?”

when you're going through hell (keep going for me) by cywscross

Steter | 57k | Teen

Peter is abandoned in the aftermath of the fire, and Eichen House takes ruthless advantage. Six years later, when he's finally able to move again, he finds himself in a cell with a boy in a straitjacket.

(Kate’s biggest mistake was letting Peter live. Eichen House’s biggest mistake was letting Peter meet Stiles.)

e-Missary by DiscontentedWinter

Steter | 6k | Mature

Peter Hale has a tension headache building behind his eyes, a nephew who has picked the wrong time to have a crisis of conscience, and a bound and gagged college freshman in the trunk of his car as he speeds north along Highway 101. This is not how he intended his weekend to go, but Peter is nothing if not adaptable.

Too Many War Wounds, But Not Enough Wars by neglectedtuesday

Steter | 26k | Explicit

The Nematon is dying. The once bountiful tree is withering, a husk of it’s former glory. It’s skeletal, shrunken and wilted and no one knows how to fix it. It’s supposed to be the height of summer but you wouldn’t know it. The Nematon isn’t the only tree that’s falling apart. Peter folds his arms. His eyes narrow as Jennifer, the emissary from Kali’s pack, tries to communicate with the sentient tree. She’s waving her arms around and chanting but so far all she’s managed to do is look like a complete imbecile. She’s the sixth emissary in as many months and still the tree decays.

In Your Footsteps (I Will Walk) by cywscross

Steter | 8k | Teen

It takes him months, but Stiles gave him a destination, gave him direction, gave him hope, and so he goes.

Love Thy Neighbour by cywscross

Steter | 22k | Teen

In which Stiles is an emancipated minor, and – after Peter Hale comes back from the dead – gains a zombie werewolf for a neighbour.

Play It Again by metisket

Sterek | 63k | Teen

In which Stiles goes along with one of Derek’s plans and ends up in an alternate universe as a result. He should’ve known better. He did know better, actually, and that means he has no one to blame but himself.

“Laura wants to lure the kid in with food and kindness and make a pet of him, like a feral cat. Derek wants to have him arrested for stalking. They’re at an impasse. (And the rest of the family is staying emphatically out of it in a way that suggests bets have been placed.)”

hope is the thing with feathers by ShanaStoryteller

Sterek | 28k | Teen

Stiles is ten when he saves the Hales from their burning home and Derek from a wolfsbane bullet, and this establishes a pattern that seem to continue indefinitely.

"Then he's facing a burning home, and he wraps the hood of his sweatshirt around his mouth before he pushes the door open and steps inside. There's Mr. Hale asleep - he hopes asleep - on the couch, next to - Stiles thinks that's his brother but there are so many Hales, who can keep track. He rushes over and starts shaking him, can see the rise and fall of the man's chest so he knows he's alive, but he's not waking up. He shoves away his hood so he can shout, "Mr. Hale! You have to get up, there's a fire! Mr. Hale, get up!" Nothing, he's not even twitching, both of them taking in deep even breaths like they're having the most peaceful of rests, and Stiles is going to cry. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" There's a moment, where all Stiles can hear is the blood rushing in his ears and not the roar of the flames or the creak of wood, then with a violent, silent pop it's all back and both of the men are gasping awake, eyes open and jumping to their feet. "

A Wild Heart's Desire by mikkimouse

Sterek | 13k | Teen

If there's one thing Stiles Stilinski knows, it's that Deputy Derek Hale absolutely Does Not Like him. The only reason Derek even tolerates him is because their kids are worryingly codependent.

So Stiles is understandably confused when a very feral Derek shows up in his backyard after a call gone wrong and proceeds to move in with him.

--

And this is getting long now, so maybe I’ll do a part 2.