#the brain weirdness i'm talking about is probably just autism lol

[crowfromfoggyforest]

Who else up having gender thoughts

I'm thinking about names. About how i've found a name that makes me feel euphoric when it's used online + a list of other names that i love and that i'd love to switch between for the perfect gender gremlin chaos... but how i'll probably never feel comfortable with them irl. Because my brain is weird and will go into "look for all the signs you just made a grave mistake" mode the second someone uses them in front of me. (I don't expect anyone to get this. It might also have to do with it making me painfully aware of the fact i'll never feel like any name is truly me...) In any case, using it irl will ruin any name for me.

So i'll either have to stick with my birthname forever (because it makes me uncomfortable but i've gotten used to it) - or i'll go by a name that absolutely doesn't match me or my gender and that isn't dear to me. Like Tobias. Or Michael. Because then, nothing can feel off, nothing can be ruined - that name clearly isn't me, and clearly wasn't the "right" name choice anyways. So i guess... that would actually give me the most gender euphoria.

Idk. Gender is weird, names are weird, my brain is weird. I should probably go to sleep.

[officeobject]

Not sure if I phrased it right, but

I see autism as my personality, and reject being disabled (because this is my personality and because I cannot relate to being disabled - I know terms like "differently abled" and "special needs" are considered offensive, but that unironically describes me better than whatever the disabled community wants me to use) - and, like, this is my PERSONALITY, what do you MEAN, "disabled"?! Like I'm not OFFENDED, I just think it's weird reading that disabled people would insist on me being disabled and other things about myself.

It's fine if other autistic people consider themselves disabled, even BECAUSE of their autism, but I hate seeing posts like "it's fine if you don't consider yourself disabled but" - like, I'm fine with talking about why I don't consider myself disabled and stuff, but how come language one uses to refer to themself is about what the person chooses, UNTIL I say I'm NOT disabled? And no I don't have other diagnoses, and even when I can relate to posts about disability, I still feel like disconnected, or like it's not MADE for me - and like, the community is just not MADE for me.

I used to wonder - well, ever since I was 6 or younger - what I'd be like, when I'd grow up, like if I'd be less emotional and all, and I ended up having someone in my life, who seems to have, what I'd call my "brain-species", and, like, first of all, things aren't getting better LOL (but I'm GLAD they didn't get better - I love them, and things wouldn't be the same with less emotions), and second of all, guess what, just because you say I'm disabled or something, DOESN'T MEAN YOU FECKING KNOW ME. This random person knows me more than a THOUSAND, times more, and I'd MUCH RATHER know and discuss, what a random member OF MY OWN BRAIN THING, thinks, about if OUR BRAIN-TYPE is disabled, rather than some random person who probably wouldn't even like me if they DID get to know me.

[dimonds456]

Howdy!

I'm Dimonds456, and welcome to my garbage pile. I'm a bat who stays up way too late and cannot decide whether or not to be productive. I draw, write, animate, play/write music, and I'm also insane so watch out for that.

I'm neurodivergent, disabled, queer, white, a singlet, fictionkin, and a proud cat papa. I am a cartoon character who is way too bouncy for their own good lol.

They / he / xe!

This is my main blog, but my ADHD ass also has a bunch more.

@dimonds456-art - my art blog! Almost all art gets rbed there!

@dimonds456-but-only-hlvrai - my HLVRAI sideblog! Because yeah why not. This is one of me current hyperfixations lol it's bad

@rubberhose-roy is my sideblog used to gush about 1920's-40's aesthetics, music, culture, ect., as well as an animation blog! All my animations specifically will be reblogged there, as well as any animation rambles or gushes I do.

I have more but those are the main three.

My fandom-specific blogs are:

@dimonds456-but-only-hlvrai (again)

@hlvrai-stuck-together - HLVRAI AU I run!

@halfnautica - Half Life / Subnautica AU!

@a-second-chance-su-au - Old SU AU that has been discontinued, but the blog is still there!

@batim-rewritten - a Bendy and the Ink Machine rewrite I'm working on

@cuphead-contract-au - A Cuphead AU where Mugman makes a deal (discontinued)

And, I have my own OC story, Follychromatic! I reblog all that stuff here, but its main blog is here!

@follychromatic

To see pictures of my cats, check the #Checkers and Chess tag! :D

Okay great. Now, DNI, trigger warnings, disabilities, special interests, and more below the cut. Make sure you read at least once, k? Thanks.

Welcome to my cave!

DNI

Do not FUCKING interact if you are:

- Someone who ships pedophilic, incestuous, or abusive ships while portraying them as positive and a good thing

- A bigot

- An LGBTphobe / transmed / ect

- Trump supporter

- Nazi / fascist / conservative

- Weird about furries or furry art

- Weird about fandom headcanons (specifically trans woman headcanons)

Trigger Warnings

I will tag as much as I can, and if you want me to tag something specific, let me know! But as a general blog cover, things that appear on this blog often are:

- Current events

- Talk of / discussion of sexuality (sometimes boardering on NSFW but not usually)

- Blood

- Guns

- Flashing

- Talk of proshippers (I try to be respectful but also I don't stand for them and I don't support them. I block and move on, and try to explain why proship is bad, but eh. I've only been listened to like once lol)

- Swearing / swear words

- All caps

- Bugs

- Suggestive content / NSFW (RARE DONT WORRY)

I will add more if anyone wants me to, or we can come up with a custom tag, like what I do for one of my friends! (#dimond don't look)

DISABILITIES

Hiiii I'm disabled! Both mentally and physically. I talk about being disabled a lot and try to generate positive talk about it. I also vent about it. I've had quite a few of these, and I also try to reblog as much about others I don't have as I can to increase awareness and understanding. So yeah! These are just the ones I have, but they are not the only ones that appear on my blog!

Hyperthyroidism

Graves Disease

Graves Eye Disease

Astigmatism

Athsma

Audio processing disorder

ADHD

Autism

Trauma / PTSD

Brain fog / disassociation / memory loss

Anxiety

Depression

Cane user

Weak / trembling limbs / trouble walking / trouble holding onto things sometimes

More to be added lol.

This is also a meds/treatment positive blog, a self-diagnosis positive blog, and my general attitude is just "if you think something is wrong you're probably right, you know yourself the best, even if you don't know what exactly is wrong." This attitude has saved my life and other people I know. You don't need a diagnosis or medication to be disabled.

THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.

If you are Jewish, black, brown, Muslim, indigenous, any religion, any race, any sexuality, any weird gender, anything at all- I love and support you. I'm still learning, and I try to learn as much as I can, but I'm not perfect. If I say something offensive or something adjacent, it was NOT on purpose. PLEASE, PLEASE tell me what I said wrong. I will make an effort to improve in the future.

I directly support:

- All races

- All religions*

- All sexualities (except pedos, y'all aren't LGBT, I'm sorry. You're actively hurting children. I've seen it again and again. Stop.)

- All genders and pronouns

- All "weird" identities outside of that as well (I'm fictionkin myself)

- Protests and protesters

- Neurodivergent people of all types (and yes, this means NPD, schizo, and all those other types that are often seen as bad or evil. I love you, I see you, and I support you.)

- DID & OSDD systems

I DO NOT support:

- Antisemitism

- Genocide

- Cults (*stuff like Jehova's Witnesses. I support the members, as they are victims, but I actively dislike the people on top who perpetuate the cycle. Not just JWs, but those are the big ones who come to mind. Hearts out to all the victims, I hope everyone gets to a better place soon)

- Racism in any way, shape, or form

- Religious discrimination of any way, shape, or form

- Israel specifically

- Trump, conservatives, Nazis, ect.

- Endo systems

If I have reblogged or said anything that aligns with the bottom list, that was a mistake. PLEASE let me know and I will fix it as fast as I can. You reading this right now, I love you. I hope my blog can help you feel welcomed and like you have somewhere to go if you need it. /gen

MY FANDOMS / INTERESTS

I HAVE ADHD AND AUTISM AND I'M MAKING THAT EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM /silly

The current special interests are HLVRAI and Half Life, current hyperfixations are Half Life and Poppy Playtime.

SPECIAL INTERESTS:

- Minecraft

- HTTYD

- FNaF

- Undertale / Deltarune

- BATIM / BATDR (unfortunately)

- Subnautica

- Biology

- Steven Universe

- Cuphead

- 2D Animation

- Writing

- HLVRAI

- Half Life

HYPERFIXATIONS (interests but not the special ones):

- Little Nightmares

- Hello, Neighbor (unfortunately)

- Petscop

- Portal

- Freemanverse (HELP ME)

- The Amazing Digital Circus

- The Owl House

- Gravity Falls

- Monster High (very first from what I can remember! I remember nothing though! But it's there!)

- Poppy Playtime

- Half Life

- Wild Kratts (I didn't even know there WAS a fandom until very recently, hi guys)

theres more but my brain is an egg :/

When it comes to ✨me,✨ I have a couple of original works as well! Specifically, Follychromatic! I won't get too into it here (bc shy) but it's 2D animation, rubberhose animation, magic, character-driven, action/adventure, mystery- yeah!

Outside of fandom, though, my special interests are biology, 2D animation, and writing. I am an animator and I suffer for fun.

YOU MADE IT! Have some Checkers and Chess pictures for your time! :)

[squarebracketsmileyface]

BE SAPPY AND WEIRD ABOUT YOUR PROJECT!!! YOU DO DESERVE A HAPPY ENDING!!! AND YOU DESERVE TO TALK ABOUT THE WAYS YOU REALIZED THAT YOU DESERVE IT!!! ARRRARARA YOURE MY FRIEND AND I LOVE SEEING MY FRIENDS HAPPY

I will CRY /threat

Also I took this as an excuse to ramble, because actually thinking about it, damn this fic has done a lot for me. Like this is dramatic as shit but genuinely writing this fic has changed my life in such a good way. You don't have to read all this lol, it's a mess and weird and ended up extremely long, it was just nice to put it down in writing cos it's been meandering around in my head for a while but I haven't spent much time thinking about it in a coherent way and it was nice to get all my ducks in a row with it all

God though, this fic has helped me figure out so many things, and it's so important to me. Like half of what it helped me figure out isn't even things I could put into words properly, like I can't bullet point most of those things, they're just weird emotional things that are just there.

Anyway, back to my dramatic ass "this fic changed my life." Like just for one I've made friends because of it which is amazing, but also like, just the things this fic has helped me process and understand? Like idk they feel like they shouldn't mean that much and should be fairly inconsequential, but they just aren't? Like the whole "hey maybe I can allow Lark to have a happy ending in an "everybody lives" au of this AU" kinda came about at the same time as I started to really settle mentally into my relationship with my boyfriend and stopped feeling that vague threatening feeling of "this is going to hurt like a bitch when something goes disastrously wrong and ruins our relationship, whether platonic or queerplatonic, forever". Like I started really properly feeling and believing "hey maybe it won't go disastrously wrong and he is just a very lovely guy who absolutely won't turn around and be evil and purposefully hurt me at some later date" instead at around the same time I was like "hey maybe Lark's relationship with Tim wouldn't fall all the way the fuck apart and maybe she'd actually get to raise her kid and be a good mum with a good partner and live a nice life where everything would turn out fine in the end."

And also like, another thing this fic helped me figure out a bit is like, just people mentioning how much the way I write Jay makes them think he'd have bpd in this au? Like I think you were one of the first people to mention that and honestly it's put so many things in perspective for me about just, the way my brain works that I didn't have an explanation for before? Or I did, I tried to explain it with Autism but it didn't quite fit perfectly. And like, I still don't know if I have bpd and I probably won't for a long while, but I write all my characters as me in some way, and Jay especially started out as basically just a self insert wearing a terrible wig and those mustache glasses. But from what I've looked into about bpd now it does seem to fit pretty well, especially the parts people have talked about with like, "very intense but unstable relationships with others"? Thankfully I'm better about that now than I was a few years ago? Tho sometimes I still get scared I'm about to become obsessed with my boyfriend in that way that ruins my relationships with people 💀💀 And the thing with like acting really impulsively? Though I've gotten better at stamping down every rage fuelled "hey you should throw this water bottle at that person's broken arm because they hurt you" type impulse since I was a kid. I now know how not to just lash out and harm people way more than they've hurt me, even when it's all my brain can think to do. So like?

Sorry anyway 💀💀💀 that was such a weird ramble to go on. But speaking of obsessions that ruin relationships

I haven't really talked about it much on here, but when I was 16 I was in a sort of similar place to Jay with Alex, not the friends with benefits bit (though yeah there were a few Very Interesting sexual things going on there that I'm definitely not gonna talk about in anything but the broadest strokes 💀) but definitely the "I'm going to string you along because I like you back but you like me way more than I like you and i dont know how to deal with you, so ill have my fun then ignore you the rest of the time," kinda stuff. And like, I was still pretty angry about that when I started writing this fic and it actually kinda helped me feel less angry at the guy? Because at first Alex was at least loosely based on him and the feelings I had about all that (and then later on Alex became a bit more Also Based On Me like Jay is lol). Like, in my case it was apparently a lot more that guys fault than it ended up being with Jay and Alex? I just kinda assumed it was entirely my fault for not texting him first enough cos I was terrified of annoying him by acting as clingy as I felt 💀 but apparently my guy was just actually a little shitty? (again, not gonna go into that here, it's a mess 💀), but like, for at least some of the less Actually Pretty Fucked Up things he did I kinda got to understand where he was coming from through thinking about Jay and Alex and thinking about Alex's pov. Like, he wasn't trying to be cruel, he just didn't like me as much as I liked him. I got obsessed with him and he was just there for some casual sexting and flirting etc lol

But like, yeah. This fic is so important to me, especially Jay and Tim's relationship. I haven't been thinking about that quite as much recently because I've been focussing on If It Ain't Broken and Jaylex, and I might not even get to focus on it in exactly the way I want to for the next Jam fics in the series, but like. Jay's hang ups over Alex and feeling scared that "what if Tim is just the same" is loosely something I've struggled with too. I'm better with it now than I was a year ago, but even so, every now and again not getting a reply to a message pretty much straight away can send me careening down "oh my god I've annoyed him, oh my god he's not going to talk to me for two weeks straight" street lol. Plus other weird hang ups that Jay most certainly doesn't have 💀

My boyfriend puts up with so much, he's wonderful, ily Vin if you're reading this.

Hell, even the way Jay and Alex end up leaving things at the very end of If It Ain't Broken is actually kinda similar to how stuff ended with me and my guy, I didn't even think about that till now. Alex is just gonna go off with Amy out of the blue and Jay isn't going to know what to do, even though he sort of saw it coming? Like he could kinda tell something was up but he doesn't want to accept it because like "oh well it's probably nothing maybe Alex is just busy. And my guy just texted me one day to say "How do you feel about me? Hmm? Oh yeah? Cool I no longer like you, actually, yeah sorry, I know you think you're in love but. Yeah I've been talking to someone else for a couple weeks now so I think this is the end of our little thing. Bye" lmao. I didn't even realise I've planned the Jaylex 'break up' to parallel that 'break up' 💀 tho honestly Jaylex's 'break up' will probably be slightly nicer on them coa Alex is going to move uni's and they're not going to see each other. So no panic attacks on sight for those two, lucky fucks.

[knightobreath]

just curious, what is so appealing about mepad to you?

i can try my best to give you a list of traits, but really how my brain likes things is still mostly a mystery to me! i only think in words when I'm actively trying, so most of the time it's just

very brain chemicals & abstract thought blobs. which makes it feel like I'm translating things into a different language that just doesn't have enough words (really doesn't help that I have a tendency to forget basic english words) But! I will try my best to streamline them for communication.

On a physical level, I just love robots and technology in general. It's one of those things that really fascinates me! I love writing things about robots and how they would think and function. I have a weird, definitely not neurotypical, connection to machinery. Often I find myself connecting more to tech than flesh people lol. Any character that is a machine or AI i will get attached to pretty damn quick, and will likely brainrot myself into oblivion over.

On top of that, MePad often acts a lot like a AI assistant. Having a robotic character act robotic on top of the physical aspect is just multiplying my previous point by 2. these two bullets are only scratching the surface of how bad my tech brainrot is. it's bad guys

On top on top of that I'm also objectum as hell about electronics. yes, this is partially an objectum thing, and it's been a really objectum thing after i set my ipad lockscreen to mepad's face.

okay. non-robot traits. i like dudes who are just far larger than me. hehe. i mean have you seen the size difference between my objectsona and mepad? object oliver is about as big as blueberry ii

i looove characters that are nerds. as a self-proclaimed nerd myself. well i'm more like a half-nerd, i know far less than others but I'm fascinated by everything i come across so talking to anyone smarter than me about something is just so awesome. i need to know all the facts. i think thats a part of why i get more attached to these characters :] i want to learn from them

autism

i could elaborate on the last point but i don't really think i have to. i probably didn't even have to state it

where was i... oh! i haven't talked that much about personality. i like his personality a lot :] sorry I don't really. organize people/characters with non-tangible descriptors in my brain and I don't know how to translate this part from abstract thought that well. also because i get really anxious about misinterpretation/mischaracterization so if i don't know something is For Sure i will be terrified to say anything about it haha

i'm really tired and i know this is the Most Lukewarm response i couldve given but im not a character guy and if i don't post this Now i will forget and you'll never get a reply

[officialtayley]

I agree with previous anon - finding you when I was new to the fandom last year felt so good! This is all a bit stupid probably and too deep lol but, I'm neurodivergent (ADHD, but probably autism too) and whenever an ND level special interest takes hold, it's usually when I'm in already in a depression or period of burn out. It's like my brain is vulnerable for something to cling to. Or like a demon notices an easy target to possess hah. When I saw Paramore last year, it was like my brain was genuinely addicted to them, specifically H, and I felt like I was only calm and regulated when zoning out consuming anything to do with them, but simultaneously I ever actually felt like I would "catch up" and felt embarrassed by how much time I was wasting online looking for stuff.

But then I found Kels' blog and devoured the archive, and then found you, and ever since then I felt the frenzied fan in my head settle down, I think because I only have to check one place for info now, but also because you've always been so nice to me when I message even if it's been about old things from After Laughter tours, or just a random submission or thought that I want to share with anyone. Sometimes I can share with an IRL friend who is a fan, but most of the time I know it needs to be just go to fandom fans, and I never wanted to be a twitter fan and didn't know what to do with all my thoughts before finding your Tumblr. Like you are so patient most of the time, you're not like some gatekeeper, and you're also not blind to the band's/H's faults, and I love that because twitter is just full of people wanting to be Hayley's next screenshot only.

The special interest addiction levels of fandom would have died down for me eventually, it always does, but the place you hold for us here was such a help and helps me maintain it in a healthy way, e.g. I don't have a compulsion to check loads of fan accounts on ig or twitter, because anything important will be here. It's so embarrassing admitting how much special interests can consume me especially as it stops being properly enjoyable after a few days and feels like I'm possessed, but yeah thank you idk I just really like this community forum space we have here and seeing you be so welcoming to a new person is making me think about how nice it is that you're pretty much a daily part of my day lol. This is so long why am I being so emotional over Tumblr hahahahah

this is also the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. this whole thing really warmed my heart and i did in fact cry again... i'm not even a crier but i guess i am just emotional today.

i'm glad i can be a daily part of your day, and it means so much to me that you feel this way about my blog and also me. you've always be lovely to me and naturally the more people come back the more i warm up them. i also do just try to be nice in general to everyone here as long as they aren't being weird or rude to me.

the few messages today just make me really appreciate the community we've built here tbh. it's like i say a lot, i am very disliked, it's been that way since 2018 in particular, and i know why even though everyone's reasons are very different, but i don't enjoy it. sometimes it does make me wonder if i am a horrible person, which is silly but it happens. i've had a few ppl i'm friends with tell me about fans they're friends with or fans they talk to tell them about how they don't like me and stuff, but thankfully those friends never were swayed because they know me on a personal level. but anyway, it just makes me glad i have this little community.

i also wish i kept my old posts cause you would've liked many of those, from before tayley was ever confirmed. but i also used to be more annoying back then so it's for the best they're gone. but yeah, i'm glad this blog means this much to you, this was really lovely to read and i'm just very thankful. so so so so thankful 💕💕💕 i also always enjoy whenever you send anything, it's always nice seeing you here so often :)

[cowboycannibalism]

i watched When Evil Lurks (2023) yesterday and I have thoughts! also this is literally just my letterboxd review copy and pasted with a bit more detail lol

spoilers!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

first of all, I am not the biggest possession horror fan. It's not my thing. But wow I was actually so into this movie I completely forgot about it being a possession movie! It was sort of a mix between zombie/disease and possession which was interesting. The very first Rotten we see is hard to look at, not normally a sight you think of when someone is possessed. Usually these movies tend to be more bone-cracking, spine breaking, unnatural bending and scary voices. Seeing the "demon"/evil manifest physically with bodily fluids and boils and rotting flesh made my stomach turn a bit which was awesome!

Secondly, I admit I'm very partial to sibling dynamics in movies, I love my siblings and I would die for them. The only people I would want to be in this apocalyptic-end-of-days situation with would be my siblings and my mom. I think the film did a great job bringing to life that tie between family, that you would do anything to protect them even if it means leaving your entire life behind including people who may be close but not willing to believe you (the ex wife and new husband). Also I couldn't help but compare them a bit to mario and luigi in my head but I blame that on me watching the Mario movie right before this 😅.

Jaime (Jimi) and Pedro are fun contrasting personalities in the scenario they get put into. Their priorities are different and even the belief they have is split, while pedro is more sure about the Rotten, Jaime is so doubtful he can't even admit if what they saw was real and that leads to problems with everyone else believing them. He's seen as the "good" brother so of course if he's saying he isn't sure of what they see, then all the other characters would believe him over Pedro, the "bad" brother with a troubled past. One of the things I loved about it was that Jaime never waivers in his faith in Pedro, he may not be sure of the Rotten/evil but he always trusts fully in his brother.

Pedro does get on my nerves with some of his choices but cmon would it be a horror movie if you weren't mad at some character for making stupid decisions? The desperation that seeps from the actor (Ezequiel Rodriguez) is so palpable that it brings out sympathy for him, he may be dumb but he's trying his best okay?

The whole story with the autistic son was a little weird and I know everyone's reviews of this say it's ableist but I saw it in a different light. The Cleaner says the demon can't figure out the minds of autistic people, get stuck in their bodies and that helps them from fully becoming possessed. To Me it feels like the opposite of what movies would usually do in where the son would be autistic BECAUSE of the demon, whereas in this movie he is "normal" when the demon takes over. It isn't a cure, it isn't saying autistic people have evil in them that needs to be fixed, but that is something that people have said for a long time and tbh its probably still a thing idiots believe in. it's interesting to see that his autism actually kept him safe for as long as it did.

Let's talk about the kills! When the wife of the landowner whacks into him with the axe, I was caught so off guard, same with the dog attack on the little girl. oh god, the throwing up of the hair and necklace by the son got to me, I probably shouldn't have been eating while watching this. This may sound weird but I LOVED the scene of the mom eating her son's brains as she's walking alongside the car Jimi is in.

The movie was so bleak and nihilistic that I felt the need to repent so this doesn't happen in real life. I wish it could have expanded a bit more on the universe, some of the characters and the disease/possession but for pacing reasons I think they did a solid job of dropping enough hints to fill in information. I love foreign horror movies and Argentina you are on my watchlist now, i enjoyed this and I think its definitely worth a watch!

Be warned there are animal and child deaths in this movie so know your triggers. It has English subtitles that aren't 100% accurate so it can get a little confusing sometimes, just pay close attention and if you want more insight the reddit threads on this movie are so great.

[transmasc-wizard]

1, 2, 6, 13 for the disabled asks!

what disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

i did a longer explanation on my disability blog so speedrun: autism, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, depression, ptsd are the ones I am both confident about and consider disabling to me.

how long have you known you're disabled? does that match up with diagnosis?

i figured out i was probably autistic when I was like 12 and was diagnosed within 3 years of that (not saying exactly when, since I was on tumblr when I was diagnosed and excitedly talked abt it lol).

i realized I was chronically ill almost a year ago, and still don't have an actual diagnosis, but doctors do say there is something Wrong With Me :3 I'm a medical mystery :3

none of my most disabling mental illnesses are diagnosed bc adults just see it as me being a weird jumpy sad isolated angry freak lol. I am Trying to get diagnoses though. I've known since... 7th grade for the earliest ones? some i knew more recently though

what's something good that's come out of being disabled?

coming to understand that my worth as a human is not and never will be based on my productivity or contributions to society

whats the most Abled Person Thing someone has said to you?

my mother once told me she'd watched a seminar that said the reason I am in crippling pain all the time is because I'm using my Beta Brain. She then said I simply need to unlock my Alpha Brain and use that instead. I almost died on the spot I think

[nightmaretour]

Lmao I'm the anon from before and I don't even know socialorganism. You probably won't believe that but lol whatever. They have more of a logical point on their blog than you do though anyway. Your post from a while back about the glasses thing showed up on my "for you" page. Ive never interacted with you before and I'm on anon because I've seen people get dogpiled and accused of "violence" for just passively disagreeing with someone in the cripplepunk tag. Don't worry though, I'm blocking you after this. I don't want your poorly informed bs opinions on my dash anymore.

I thought your reasoning didn't make sense, because glasses still fit the definitions you're giving. Your definition given also just outright excludes ambulatory mobility aid users because they can't still "move" without the aids. I actually know people IRL who call their glasses mobility aids and my question was motivated by that, yet these people don't exist in your world? Im sorry it's just really weird.

You also can't just say they aren't mobility aids if you don't use them or need them that way. It doesn't really back up your point. My friends who call them that cant move without them. It's like saying, "a cane isn't a mobility aid because you can limp without it! I can limp without my cane so that means all people can! You don't NEED it to move!" like that sounds ridiculous. That's what you're saying about glasses. That's what you sound like.

The people disagreeing with you are physically disabled, so it doesn't make sense that you think a word is being "taken" from physically disabled people by other physically disabled people to discribe something they have an experience with.

Like I'm sorry but I'm gonna trust my friend saying their glasses are just as much of a mobility aid as their rollator. If I listen to you, I ignore the way they talk about their needs, and making them change a word they use to discribe something is hard because they have autism. Who stands to be hurt more by that? It's more like you're taking it from the people who need their glasses to be respected and thought of as mobility aids because you're the one saying "you can't say this". the only one thinking it changes the definition is you. Your response to my message didn't make literally any sense.

You are genuinely such a loser. It's so obvious that you're the same person, I already saw you comment using this same alt account that you made just to continue a stupid argument that I want no part in.

Get something better to do than harassing brain damaged cripples with paralytic disorders and epilepsy. I already told you that I physically cannot handle much stress right now and you are endangering me. I'm gonna report you to Tumblr for block evasion and harassment anyway so have fun with that

[cherrytea556]

Are these signs/symptoms of neurodivergence?

I'm questioning if im neurodivergent (like autism or something) and i want to know if these are sign/symptoms of it based on my experience;

I tend to notice how i always tend to move in repeat (spinning, rocking back and force, bouncing leg, doing step to step etc...).

I make little eye contact with people. Now i am capable of making eye contact (even if it feels a bit off) though thats a habit i always have.

I dont know how to explain things in my head, i have the idea but i dont seem to know how to actually explain what it is and comes like idk, choppy? Definitely not well, thats for sure. Same with writing like now.

I tend to notice that sometimes i dont understand basic stuff like when my parents asked me to do something in a direction, im confused on what direction they meant until they point it out or a question my friend asked on how much i eat (a lot or little), i try to explain it in my own way because i thought it was in general but it was actually just food on one plate. She wonders why it was harder for me to answer since it was suppose to be a easy question, to which im also questioning as well.

I'm not good at communication. I try to with questions and stuff but i dont think i can have a long conversation unless the other person wants to talk about stuff (and even then i wonder what input i would give). Comforting is also hard for me since i want to make sure that im doing it right for my friends though i dont know how, again i try, and i do understand them if their upset about something, i just don't know how to exactly comfort them.

I use to have poor coordination when i was younger, whether its bumping into things or spraining/hurting my foot, my coordination wasnt up to standard to say the least. It got better as time went on though i find that I cant walk a straight line, its always a bit to the left or right.

I have a forgetful memory. I tend to forget things from my childhood from a large proportion or i have such vivid memories of them but i cant be specific at explaining it. This is also why i have trouble at school at times because whenever a video is playing and we have to write during the video playing, im worried that i wouldnt catch on and answer nothing.

I dont understand comedy and how to do it, im often the last one to get the joke (which is why i probably wont write a comedy, instead focusing on characters and how they bounce off each other)

People tend to tell me that i either talk loudly or quietly even when i dont notice it (especially being loud)

I dont sit properly. I notice that i dont sit regularly most of the time

I repeat stuff like pulling the jacket sleeves to my hands or just generally repeat something if i feel like its not right. Also when i was young, i use to repeat things characters say a lot of the time which faded but hasnt completely stopped)

I dont know if its sensory issues or something but i hate kissing noises, i always tend to swat it away like its a fly

I used (and still do) have weird visions, i dont want to describe them but they were definitely odd. I also notice that i view myself as random characters from media, not that i think i am the character but when im talking, i imagine myself as the character as im talking randomly if that makes sense

I laugh even if i don't actually find it funny

I took online tests and most of the answers were that i have moderate symptoms/chance of autism (not to self diagnose of course, just questioning)

I use to walk around in circles daily when i was in primary and i still do (just not around the whole room/in the oval this time lol)

For some reason, i dont have energy to do things like there was work for health yesterday and i finished it all except for one which isnt hard to answer exactly but i didnt have the energy to do it for some reason. It's very hard to do stuff if your brain just randomly has nothing (which happens at times)

I will play a movie multiple times in the background for some reason, it could just be a decent enough film and my brain will just make me repeat it as background noise (the knives out franchise, 7 women and a murder and now its death of 2021) This should be taken a grain of salt since it could just be things neurotypical people do as well

I dont think i have a special interest though when im really interested in stuff i found, i would look into it and want to share that info (like a creators unknown controversy or a random person i never heard of before having a tumblr call out blog about them) Im just really interested in odd things in general. I also regularly look at specific blogs/tags on tumblr daily like its a thing in my routine lol

I cannot make new friends (similar with communication but in a more general sense) i just dont know how, theirs students that nice to me but i dont know how to make them my friend per say (i dont connect with my year group that much tbh)

I think thats all I have, any answer to this is welcomed

[officeobject]

I do wanna say, that I hate the fact that my brain is SO bad at absorbing history for some reason, and I WILL forget most things, even common knowledge, and I can't really talk about history, without making it about myself or something, uhm, and I do feel selfish and stuff for that, and I'm not sure if it has something to do with autism.

Anyways, here's a piece of queer history I didn't know, which kept my attention:

https://youtube.com/shorts/A3_LCTcPk2o?si=fF2NBXBnEHlJxFyH .

It's of course horrible and sad, what happened, and hard for me to believe it's just because he was openly gay (then again, I don't understand ANY queerphobia + other stuff, so) ... and it's sad, and I have no personal input, besides the personal input below, and please don't be mad that I included it:

Okay, so, like, I KNOW I can't judge based on looks, but that person looked pretty, in a way - like, gives me the same/similar vibes as a character of mine who means a lot to me, so looking at his pictures is kinda comforting or something, and, like, he's pretty in that way, and seems like a nice fun person - like, a nice fun wholesome person, even, and even if that ain't true - like, that he isn't like my character, or we wouldn't get along, or I wouldn't like him, or he wouldn't like ME, he still didn't deserve that.

It's horrible that there are still so many laws against queer people, for ...

Wait, what exactly are we being hated for again?

Well, I'm used to thinking more about the acceptance, but I do spend some time thinking about the fact that some people would want me dead, because I like rainbows a little more since I realized I in fact, DON'T, want to fuck a random boy.

I'm a Christian, so I personally wonder what he's doing in Heaven right now - probably woke up before ME, LOL - like, I went back to sleep several times - maybe he's hosting something for queer people THERE, so that's nice.

I don't know what to do today, besides treating it like a normal day, which feels kinda weird to me ...

It's strange seeing images of someone who I never knew, who seems yet so familiar, about a topic I can barely remember after hearing (history), specifically related to the little trivia that I'm personally queer (apothiaroace), by a queer person who can make entertaining videos about those things and more, in which this specific video is about his death ...

I'm not always good at remembering names, either, but I can still mark "October 12" in my calendar ...

[curiousskelekitty]

Hey, I'm sleep deprived and blasted on weed, let's see the reasons why I think I'm autistic

I'm awakemd super from a super high nap. And it's by the smoke and smell of incenst and can't get back to sleep until incest was out and fan on

Eye contact? Either really focused on making it and not listening or focused on conversation and eyes Drifting away

Say exact same way of hello at job

And other things

Sensitive to wet and cold so much that made it part of her image

Staying awake to make this list

Even though I'm supe r high and running on 3 hors sleep, latte, and pizza and 4 hb eggs

Adhd 

Special interest in pokemon most of 26 year life

Creative

And loves child things like video game sand toys, special plush toys

And weird sex too

Like even when child me MASTURBAGED WITHOUT KNOW WHAT IT WAS

sorry tmi 

Holy ahky I discovered something abot me that I didn't know

Wow

Anyways

Loves reading

And loud music during loud lunch during hs

Sensitive to loud noises like toilet as child

An dlole sonic

Oh shit

It late

Waited blanket for win! Special as adult

Fighting slep to write this once again

Super shy

Talked in labg with sister when 

Adhd

Goes to speech therapy 

Because I don't talk

Or maybe lisp

Idk

Imaginary friends until second grade

First friend grade younger 

No friends in my grade until MIDLE SCHOOL

I think

Sorry no remember 

This list loooooong

Writing still very clean

Nose so dry

Oh shkt Don her 

He didn't say anything about me being up

I'm supposed to be asleep

Sh

lol

Argue with my self 

Like all the time

I even fight with my ocs

lol

Autism brain go

Special cartoon likeys 

Just explained idea for video for YouTube to boo and we might collaborate

My mouth so drunk 

Suuuuuper sensitive to socks on feet at night! Even in winter

But can't walk out iputaide without shoes 

Can feel EVERYTHKNG 

Loves swimming

BUT NOT RAIN

RAIN MAKE USBWEY

sinuses dry as hell  I can feel the air coming in my nose and down my throat

Hereditary 

Also likes anime and furries

Has phases of certain likes or Dislikes

Like love reading but then don't love reading

Hating spicy for most of life

But finding a love from some as long as there's flavors 

Mexico is so pretty

Making list like this

All the time

Will hypet focus on certain things for maybe a week

And it goes in curses 

Ow though hurt for typing 

Do stretches kids

Never admitted to watching porn whe her life insists of romances 

Daydreamer

Ever since litter

First lover

Cucumber Larry

When he gets suck on by giat alien ad hero

That turned me on

AS A KID IN CHURCH

not even four years old

wft

This might be really revealing about me and my life

…

Okay

This Is where I add more to the title of this video

To warn me of the dangers

Of whatever the fuck I'm on

Could probably make this list over 200 points 

Listn3s to music at night 

Might be slightly dyslexic 

Swimming

Vocal Stimson

When found out about stimming

Showed more stimming

So mad

Just took like 1 min to fix stimmong to swimming 

Make little songs whole life

Wow hide in DC bathroom. And sing sad songs to my self

Don't really to that anymore

Ah shit it's late

I need to pee

Sleeps with toys still

Like stuffed animals

Once could not fall sleep until Carla into toybox

Only woke up because got hot

BISEXUAL AD FUCK

when I was little I was looking g in the mirror and ask if I was more otm boy or girly Gil and decided I was in the middle

If that not nonbinary as FUCK than what is

Thinking g about if the video went famous and FIL saw and reacted

Whole family know

Please be warned 

Really sensitive about certain flavores in certain tempt

Those might go on Tumblr though

Incous make a lookout of people laugh 

And no one would know

Damn thos list loomg

STRETCH TIME

often godb what if whole world kno

I could go on and on

But I think I will conclude here 

Thank you everyone for reading

Good night

LoL

You wish

I'm very empathic

I forget words all the time

Especially with age

Always had bad memory

Selective hearing

Forms who they are around eho they with

But my baby let me be me❤️

Sinsirve tk sounds

I'm probably going to talk to my therapist about this list next week

Realized made horrible ablist joke in my head and realized it and was like tf why

Intrusive thoughts

Holly fuck

I can do this

And this

And

This 

So easily 

I love animals 

Dep3ndent and independent at the same time

Anxiety 

Depression 

I'm still making the list dumbadd

My bad

Too much of a topical thing like lotion makes me feel icky 

Hated mosquitoe spray because of sticky residue and smell

Hayes perfume

Sensitive to some smells, like perfume

Body pray okay tho

And candles

Loves sweets

LOVES TO READ

Can't focus on reading

Super aware of body

Hates being touched unexpected or by stranger

Said loved all colors and didn't have official favorite color until like first grade because didn't want to hurt other colors favorite

Still doesn't have least favorite color

"Lazy"

But I'm not suppsoes to coll me that

Realistic

Made day dreams befo3e bed every night

Had one going on for about a month

Googles everything 

Okay I'll go to 200

Then I'll go to sleep

Lover of computers when little

Still love them

Have several unwritten stories to tell, including like three books and three or more wannabe books

Wrote toriko slitty fanfiction church

Drew a the time

Sonic the hedged hog fan

Loves pun so much

Made up "Copper later" for funny goodbye

Lives all her sisters

And all bet peanut

Hates pumpkin guts and still hate the feeling of them

Picky eater

May13b first 2023

Special interest in music

Went into band for school ad a trumpet and played for most of life until high school graduates but was never good at it.

That sucks

I could've learned how to song better

Now that I realize my voice is good and can be better

Hates needles 

Squeamish 

Spiritual 

Loves crystals Spiritually

Believes in a carefree, unknowing god

Two more to go

AUTISM BLAST

Weird obsession with sex since really little

Oh shkt

Just remembered something

That I never told anyone! Fucm 

I won't tell you guys

Never

Okay 

Good night

I love you

[c-kiddo]

I think the M9 are just one big nd queer friend group (yes this is because irl me and my best friends make a purely ND + queer friend group) and I love thinking of how they would adjust to the comfort of that over time. Like leaving stim toys out to share (I think jester would have a big horde to share), using each other to casually pressure stim, automatically adjusting for each other's sensory issues and stuff. I also think they would all know sign language, I hc Molly would have learned and then taught yasha (who totally goes nonverbal), and beau and Caleb would have learned on their own (Caleb because he's autistic like yasha and beau because she wants to understand her loved ones). I think cad would have invented a different basic sign language with his siblings or something....sibling bond you know? I see cad, Caleb and Yasha as like. The super autistic trio. Caleb got diagnosed young and taught them about it and cad is like oh there's a name for that in my family nobody questions it....*goes back to organizing tea* and Yasha would be like. Oh I'm not a freak for that I thought I was just clinically weird....*goes and sits in a corner and doesn't say anything for 3 days*. Jester and fjord are absolutely an adhd t4t bi couple I don't think that needs an explanation. Beau is adhd too for sure and maybe also autistic. Veth and Molly idk I could see veth as any combo and Molly is. Molly. Maybe the token nt idk lol I was never that attached to his character lol. Ok that's it for now but I literally think of nd m9 all the time like every day, campaign 2 is my second biggest spin so these are my favorite headcanons to read and think about 🙂

wa yea,, tmn totally are queer + nd friendgroup solidarity. also i think they'd share some stimtoys, but also have their own too, like jester (token rich friend) buys them cool ones, colour coordinated and everythign :-3 she bought cad a chewy necklace thats purple n a gemstone like the amethyst on his staff and he thinks its so epic cool, now his hair doesnt get crunchy from chewing, and his sleeves dont get weird-smelling.

also ye!!! they all sign for sure. theres a bit of a mix-up in the beginning tho because some of them only know certain signing, especially cad.. his family use their own one based on sylvan signing (headcanon they speak sylvan at home too, and giant, then common after those two) and things made up by him and his siblings too. caleb probably knew a zemnian version of signing but its similar enough to wildemount common signing that its ok, plus he's good at memorising and learning the new things anyway. him and beau also end up learning sylvan signing to help communicate with cad if he cant talk and sounds are too much. also for sure think molly n yasha have some signing variation they used, though maybe they made it up together, especially when molly showed up and couldn't speak yet. and it just went on from there and ended up being very useful. also i think molly goes between not being able to speak and speakign 100mph, like often its one or the other lol. (headcanon molly had the fantasy magic version of a traumatic brain injury, caused by souls leaving and being dead and things. fantasy magic, astral sea, brain attacking, things)

also agree abt caleb having known he's autistic for a loooong while, diagnosed as a kid because he arranged everything into rows and only wanted to read like 1 book over and over and hid from noises. yasha definitly just went through life thinking she's weird,, i mean, canon. lol. and ye!! thats a cooll idea abt cads family having a name for it.. he's like, oh, this is [word for it in sylvan or somthing], me and belle and my mam are it (probably more or all of th clays but ,thats jsut an example).

okie okei, last bit. bullet points. speed round akjdna then bed time. adhd t4t fjorester so true. i think veth has nd girl swag for sure, but im not sure between adhd and autism, besides other things bc i could totally diagnose tmn with all sorts of neurodivergencies not just those two. (caleb ocd moments, beau bpd momence, cad quiet type bpd, if you may, as a treat)...... also nt molly is a funny idea 2 me. i think he's nd for sure. not autistic, he's too spontaneous n theres nothing in canon rly i can turn to autism..... so, i shall have a think. definitely brainweird for sure. oh ! oh molly psychosis haver for sure. molly cad and caleb all psychotic. euhh h yeah i think thats all this is long ramble now i should go to bed

(same hat @ cr2 being 2nd biggest special interest hellyea )

[radicalposture]

Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official�� diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey

[arcadian-vampire]

I know how you feel. I've been wondering if I'm autistic for a while because of so many different things: tend to stim when excited, panic easily, no social skills, really bad attention span, hyperfixating on things, loads of things really but I don't wanna say anything for definite 'cause I don't really know a lot even after researching. But I don't wanna talk to anyone about because people always tell me that I'm being too dramatic and overthinking things.

Same!! I mean, by this point I'm p damn sure I'm autistic, especially as it's often genetic and my little brother was just diagnosed with ADHD, but. I will tell you a secret: most neurotypical people don't genuinely take time to consider whether they might be autistic or not! If you really suspect you may be brain weird, you probably are ❤ You aren't being dramatic or overthinking it, and you shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about it

It helps if you can connect w other autistic people though!! Like my partner is autistic too and they actually helper me realize I was Not neurotypical, lol

A lot of people think autism is some Big Bad Thing, but it's really. not. It's ok to be autistic or think you may be, even if you never seek a professional diagnosis (considering that diagnosis can affect your career + ability to adopt kids and shit)

If you have questions or just wanna chat or anything, feel free to message me or send me another ask!

[staceyjames420]

I knew from about the age of 6 something was different for me. Because I liked both boy and girl things, or at what was archaically classified as those things, but I like far more girl things than I did boy ones. Right around the age of seven my parents started getting worried and pretty much drove every last bit of even questioning any of that right out of my head any way they could and what I didn't know it then I found out years later I am autistic so it was kind of easy for them to bully it all out of me after about six months to a year. And sadly, I didn't even think about it again, not even once until probably about the age of 22. What happened at that age was my girlfriend at the time decided we were going to a Halloween party and she wanted me to go as a girl that she was going to dress up all perfect. Weeks before the Halloween party even happened. We started trying to figure out what was going to be my costume and during that time as she was having me try on different lingerie, skirts, tops and all those fantastic girly things, about the only way I can really describe it accurately is that it was like a part of my brain broke open and suddenly my mind was just flooded with all these memories and things that I did when I was a kid that I hadn't even thought about in years! And since all these memories came to the surface so did all the feelings that I had repressed with them and they floored my ass over the course of the next couple of weeks. After a while I started doing some reading on the internet and I started finding out about trans people, I cried really hard for hours after that because I was so angry with my parents for just basically, more or less suppressing that side of me against my will!! And apparently all the crap they put into my head to keep me from thinking those things I felt back then was so hardcore intense that it kept up even after all that broke free and gave me tremendous amounts of shame, embarrassment and plenty of fear for myself should I choose live my life is me instead of a lie they forced me to live it as. 😞 I'm 35 now. And to be honest I know it's never too late to transition but for me it sadly feels everyday like I will never ever get to transition because I have so many things blocking my path my family, finances, and no insurance. and I know all these things can be easily maneuvered around by someone my age usually but this is where my autism likes to come in. it makes it difficult for me to have and maintain a job mostly because I'm apparently too weird to hire or if I do get hired my co-workers usually dislike me for some stupid bogus reason and get my boss to fire me. That second scenario has played out far more often than I'd like to admit. LOL! because I have no job I have no insurance and because my autism diagnosis has the bullshit label, the way all autism labels are BS and very damaging for us, as being on the higher-functioning end of the spectrum I don't qualify for any of the benefits and medical programs that other autistic people get. Because even though I'm diagnosed as autistic, I'm not autistic enough apparently to need or deserve help I'm told. like I said bullshit damaging labels. LOL! And then there's my family. My siblings know and are cool with it at least so that's at least something good. I tried telling my dad once but he was really freaking drunk and I believe he thought I was only joking as he's never mentioned it since. Telling my mom could be both a blessing and a curse at the same time because even though she's my mom and I love her, she can annoy the hell out of me sometimes with her drinking so if she didn't talk to me after I come out to her it'd be great but Id still want to talk to her because she's my mom!! So it's a giant pain in the ass either way! LOL! And then mix all that fear and shame and everything my parents gave me in with all the shame and fear that Society provides which is like 10 times greater and I'm pretty much too freaking scared to even try it even though there's nothing I want more in life.

Please reblog with the age when you knew you were Trans or Nonbinary

My parents think that everyone knows right away when they’re little, or their parents know or something. I need to know for myself what others experience.