#the brain rot is so unbelievably real i will never recover

[dylanobrienisbatman]

I love when war stories end up being more than war stories, end up being stories about unyielding grief and PTSD and loss and the insanity of watching your men die over and over, end up being stories about love and connection and humanity and brotherhood, end up being stories about men surviving the worst of humanity but in that same surviving breath witnessing it and being so fundamentally altered that they cannot possibly be the same man ever again.

which is to say, I love when they're absolutely about war, just in the ways that actually matter.

[realwizardofass]

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.

I don’t usually like to do this. I already feel like a burden as it is. And what’s worse is that no matter what, no matter how many times people tell me I’m not a burden. I’m not a problem. They don’t hate me or feel stressed cause of me. I can’t believe it. I can’t stop blaming myself for how I feel. I can’t stop hating myself. I can’t stop feeling like a burden. I can’t stop thinking people are lying to me. I wish I could not believe any of it. I wish I could heal. I wish I could move on. I wish the suffering would stop. But no matter how many times I go through it, no matter how many times I am reassured. I just can’t get rid of it. It’s a wall I can’t get over.

I am really tempted to destroy any close relationships I have because I am tired of burdening them with my problems. To free them from me so they can live a less problematic life. So they no longer have to deal with my constant bullshit.

I hate that I constantly feel like I’m being lied to. I know it’s irrational. I know that is not normal and more than likely not true. But my mind keeps convincing me that it is true. And when your brain knows you better than you do. It’s not something to easily dismiss and shrug off.

At my worst, voices in my head come out. Multiple voices screaming and whispering at the same time, unwrapping countless threads of why my life is awful and not only will it never get better. It will always get worse. And it’ll be all my fault. And that’s why I should end my life. They find and pick out countless memories and instances to show me why how I am is my own fault and I can’t be saved. They make very convincing arguments that are hard to deny. They come out every so often and it’s so unbelievably painful that it’s almost physiological suffering on top of mental torture. I start screaming like I am being hurt because it’s a natural instinct. Even though I feel no actual pain. But it’s as if I am.

I can be in control of myself, I can at ease. Holding it together. Even having a good and productive day. And one tiny thing can set me off into a mental breakdown and lose it. I will just start screaming and ranting about myself and others uncontrollably. I know what I’m doing is irrational. I know what I’m doing is wrong and over the top. But I can’t stop myself.

I feel like I will never recover. Like I am permanently damaged and I can never be put back together. And I feel like it’s my fault. And also, nobody will EVER understand. Like I’m completely alone in the world and no matter how much affection I seek, no matter how much love I wish to feel, no matter how much I want to be cared for, no matter how much people say they understand… it will NEVER be enough. It will never satiate my feelings of wanting to be appreciated and understood.

I am a few months away from being on the verge of homelessness. On the street. Living in my car with my animals. I am trying to mentally prepare for it as best I can. But the imminence is slowly rotting me away from the inside. I have tried countless forms of help from the state, from different programs and nothing is really available. There are so many people seeking help but not much funding to help people. I feel soon, I will also fall through the cracks and be on the street as well. And feeling like it’s my fault is it’s own brand of hell.

I lose myself in daydreaming all the time. Sometimes it’s delusions of grandeur of how someday I will be famous, or mega strong, driven and talented. Be a beacon of hope for people who suffer like I did and put out art that will change the world. Other times it’s the exact opposite. It is daydreams that become nightmares of killing, maiming, and destroying everything around me. Exacting revenge on the world in extremely violent ways that are hurtful to think about. Harming what’s closest to me and even my animals. Visualizing these things, feeling them… they seem to almost feel real and it sucks to say the least. It’s like a physical jolt that is fed through your brain uncontrollably and no matter how many times you try to dismiss it… it just keeps repeating like a broken record. Over and over and over again.

I have gotten close to committing suicide several times this year. From almost buying a gun. To setting up a plan. To even slightly trying out that plan to ensure it’ll work. It will if I did it. I overdosed last year on hard alcohol and Xanax. I was out for 3 days and was brought to the hospital in an ambulance and had to stay there for a few more days. I walked out in silence and had to walk in socks in the snow to reach a place where I could get an uber. I hate hospitals. They do nothing for you except boredom. Being stuck inside your head away from any sort of comfort. They do nothing for me.

In case you don’t know and most of you don’t, I was in an abusive marriage and had to escape a little over a year ago. It has been extremely difficult these past couple years. Hardest and more chaotic I’ve ever had. It was classic narcissistic, trauma bonding relationship. I was Made to feel special, feeling loved, feeling praised and appreciated only for it to be taken away and then talk down to me, berate me, scream at me, tear me down, and lie to me. At my most vulnerable and crying like a baby, I was told I was pathetic by the person who I thought was my soulmate. By the person I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. It turned out for about a year they were doing drugs behind my back. Hard drugs and they started losing their mind and they made it seem like it was my fault. I had to leave to save myself and I was harassed and berated over and over again. Even had money stolen from me. False promises and everything in between. They are no longer the person I once knew. Even her own family no longer recognizes them.

I grew up in my childhood feeling unloved, ignored, and feeling like a burden. Like I was an annoyance. In my black and white autistic brain, I thought… if I’m not loved then I deserve to be hated. And I made that a self fulfilling prophecy that I can’t get rid of and has only worsened with age.

I’m just tired of suffering. I wish it would go away and I’m sorry if I’ve hurt anyone or made them feel used or stressed you out or have caused anxiety or pain.

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.

[kaedekisaragi]

Kaede Kisaragi Watches The Flash S3E14 - Attack on Central City

Pack your toothbrushes, we going to the restaurant at the end of the universe.

Barry Allen is one awesome bf. He has gotten a full course breakfast PLUS balloons. All before 6:30. V-day and all, yes? Meanwhile, at the labs, Harry is very much stunned by HR's giddiness. Or HR's unhealthy curiosity on how Harry brushes his teeth. Harry demonstrates his love for HR by spitting toothpaste in HR's coffee. Class act.

So the team is also similarly uncertain about HR's decorating. He also has made them Friends' day Cards, the equivalent of V-day in his earth. And hey, look, personalized cards: "You have sped into my heart, Jesse quick". Wally agrees, anyway. And seems that the two have not yet told Harry. Wally is nervous. Barry cheerfully agrees that HR is right, they do deserve to celebrate their win over Grodd. Iris is all too happy too, kissing her "friend" Barry.

Jessie and Wally go tell Harry. Harry drops his shit when she tells him. But he acts very cool and casual, accepting Jessie's happiness comes first and foremost. But given his pause and questioning her about it being WALLY she loves, I think he obviously does not take it as well as he seems. But anyway, time to look for a place to live! Wally is nervous.

Cisco is bitter of being permanently in the friendzone, not helped by Caitlin saying she and Julian are just friends. As Caitlin assures him someone for him might be just around the corner, Gypsy leaps out of a breach... And blasts a smiling Cisco. She also blasts Flash too, immobilizing him, but she's caught offguard by Harry and his gun. One lockup at the pipeline later, they interrogate her and discover that she had been manipulated by grodd. And they realize this must mean he's in Earth-Prime too, else he couldn't manipulate her.

The gorilla army stands in the hills, looking off towards Central City.

Barry has a broken moment where he realizes Grodd keeps evolving, while they always fight him the same way. They need to change how they face him. Harry suggests using their knowledge of the future to predict Grodd's attack and stop him preemptively. Harry has an idea to modify Vibe gear so they can have cisco see the future he doesn't know of yet. He goes off to work (on the only pair, mind you) and drags Wally with him... Weird. Cisco goes to talk to Gypsy so she can help, because no way she'll say no to him. Which she does. He charms her into staying, after she drops a 'Luke Starkiller' reference that geeks him out in a multiple-earth level, saying she gets to get revenge on Grodd and spend time with 'his face'. She says she saw the horrors Grodd has in mind for Central City, and she won't take part in this fight. Cisco, upset but relenting, lets her leave.

Wally is good following Harry's instructions, and he also is glad for how well Harry took to the news of him and Jessie. Harry says his daughter deserves happiness, and Wally makes her happy. Wally says they'll visit him a lot too on earth-2... And Harry reveals that his health is not what it once was. He's been to a doctor. He doesn't know how long he has. He asks Wally not to tell her.

Team all set for Cisco's vibe experiment.

Cisco "Harry, if this thing fries my brain..." Harry "It's an improvement~" Cisco "Was that Rocky?" Harry "Yeah, Burgess Meredith."

Harry loves his BFF Cisco ^^ Or would, if Harry didn't reveal right there that the amplified vibing can be possibly deadly. Cisco vibes blindly... Intersection State and Oakhill. They assemble the SWAT on the place, but... It's too late: Grodd speaks through Joe, knowing Joe is important to Barry. He pulls his own gun and SHOOTS AT JOE'S TEMPLE, AND FLASH MANAGES TO BE FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET, THE BULLET JUST GRAZING HIS FOREHEAD! This was all just a distraction... Grodd's real target is a limo carrying an army guy.

Joe's alright, and when he got controlled, he got glimpses of Grodd's mind, just like Gypsy. Harry has an idea about using the kind of machinery used for treating depression to help Joe recover Grodd's memories, assuming the mind control goes both ways. Joe's okay with the plan. Iris goes to barry, who is hitting a deep low, feeling nothing he does can stop his loved ones from being brought harm. He can't just send Grodd away... They gotta kill him. Iris doesn't like that. He counters that even Ollie has killed and still remains a hero. She shoots back that this weighs on Ollie's head every day. Barry is considering this only because if he kills Grodd, the attack won't happen and Iris may live. She says his kindness is why he's so beloved, and he should never compromise. Her life isn't worth that.

Wally tries to tell Jessie to spend as much time with her dad as she can, but naturally, he has poor choice of words. He tells her about her dad's sickness. Jessie... finds this unbelievable and stands up to go talk to him. And by the looks on his reactions, he really WAS bullshitting Wally to keep Jessie for himself. She lays the ultimatum. Not losing a beat, he resumes the experiment on Joe. Joe's brain is lit up, and he makes a portrait of the man Grodd captured. Who is unknown to them. Grodd, meanwhile, uses the general guy to infiltrate Fort Reynolds, a NUCLEAR MISSILE TRANSPORATION BASE!

Barry beats up on a poor sandbag with his flash-fisticuffs. Breaking it open. Harry walks in, and shows himself to be on Iris's side, saying he is not proud of all the stupid ideas he's had, and Barry should not kill grodd. If he kills Grodd, it'll only make easier to kill the next enemy. The team is called to the cortex, because HR got an idea thanks to renowned Alfred Yankovic, a poet from his world (Yes, Weird Al, cuz of that hair). General guy has a military hairdo. They found his identity: General Mcnally. And he has the highest clearance, being able to fire nukes in seconds. Which he just did. Yay. Barry goes by himself, since if he fails to stop the missile, kid flash and jessie gotta evacuate everyone to safety.

Flash arrives at the ballistic launcher, and he has little time to disarm the launch. They don't know the disarm code. Only that the code is five-digit. So Flash, in a frantic few seconds, rapidfires all possible combinations until he lands 45127. Grodd, seeing it failed, sends his gorillas to attack. STAR Labs detects them. Barry is decided not to kill Grodd, so he'll need everyone's help here.

Earth-19. Gypsy gives intel on someone to a guy in aviator glasses and scarf. As soon as he leaves in a flash, Vibe is there to talk to her. Vibe defies her shutting him down, saying he is able to vibe her feelings and knows she's a hero like him, not just an officer. He needs her help getting something to stop grodd. On Earth-Prime, Jessie Flash and Kid Flash are waiting to meet the enemy army. With few odds on their favor. The kid speedsters do their job distracting the main army while Flash rushes Grodd... and gets swatted aside. Kid Flash is next. And then Jessie. Grodd mocks Flash for not being willing to kill him...

...Flash reveals his trump: Vibe and Gypsy bring Solovar to the fray. Gorilla on Gorilla brawl! The battle goes to the top of a building, then Grodd gets pushed off the building. Solovar is victorious. The army submits to him. Solovar is about to kill Grodd but Flash stops him, reminding him how he spared Solovar, and vows to keep Grodd on Earth-Prime. Solovar accepts.

ARGUS is called in to take Grodd. Barry feels bad, but Caitlin thinks what little good Grodd had on him is gone, and for all she cares, he can rot next to King shark. Cisco would pay for that fight. Gypsy tries to leave, saying she only helped for the city's sake, but Cisco aggressively confronts her on her feelings for him. She aggressively kisses him and tells him she is too much for him. Cisco swears to marry her XD

Harry is leaving for Earth-2. He makes clear he'll murder Wally ANYWHERE in the multiverse if he hurts Jessie. Wally swears he'd need to be dead before anyone hurts her. They shake hands.

Barry fixes a romantic night for him and Iris on their apartment. He's realizes that there's always another way to fix the future... Like making it THEIR future... POPPING A RING AND KNEELING! WITH A RING THAT BELONGED TO HIS GREAT-GRANDPA IN WORLD WAR II WHEN HE WANTED TO PROPOSE! HE ASKS IRIS TO MARRY HIM!

Stinger. Wally and Jessie watch Casablanca. She doesn't get it, but it's his favorite movie. She says she's in mood for burgers, so he runs off to get some... AND HELLO SAVITAR IS HERE AND HE'S DASHING TOWARDS WALLY WHAT?!?

...Seriously, is this the way to end an episode? Bad show, no donut for you. I kid of course.

Harry being an asshole even when he's not in mortal danger was expected, so was his constant annoyance and elitist attitude towards HR's 'moron qualities'. We should give these two a spin-off. Cisco being the aggressive flirt was a nice change from deer-in-headlights Cisco. Especially since Gypsy is TOTALLY fem-cisco. And I'll admit, I genuinely did not expect Barry to try and marry Iris this season. This makes me worried. Very worried.

I wish that they'd have spent more time fighting the gorillas. I mean, both this and last episode we had a shortage of gorilla brawls. Speaking of brawls, solovar vs grodd... felt too fake. The CGI on CGI all out brawl on a CGI background... yeah, too much CGI. It felt fake. It was nice to callback to Barry's sparing of Solovar, maybe using this as a building brick for estabilishing Solovar as a future ally of the team, in any future gorilla city forays.