#the boy is so messed up the narrator needs to be unreliable

[flowercrowngods]

Oh, I see. Crying throwing up. Crying throwing up while it's hot. Hot on my floor and time travel steve hurts. Hurts in the best way where you understand. Thank you for sharing him.

*screeching goblin noises*

[year2000electronics]

Bill & Ford & A Book, Oh My!

DISCLAIMER: The Book of Bill has Bill Cipher serving as an unreliable narrator. If we go out trying to say something is "definitively a truth" or "definitively a lie", we're going to keep arguing about it until the heat death of the universe. This is just my own personal interpretation of the source material. If you don't agree, that's fine! Also TBOB spoilers abound.

So it's no secret that interest in the dynamic Bill & Ford have (enemies, platonic, romantic, formerly romantic, whichever way) has really skyrocketed since TBOB's release. Of course, there are the 'easy' culprits to point towards, with Mabel referring to Bill as 'being like a needy ex', and the whole O'Sadley's fiasco (Him literally crying over losing Ford and going "one Sixer, please"? Messy. Messy behavior. Still, I think it goes so much deeper than that.

Bill, being the unpredictable chaos entity that he is, also serves as the main antagonist for a show about family and having close bonds with each other. We don't really need to look into his inner psyche that much, because that's just not what he needed to be doing at that point in the cartoon. He's meant to be a way to divide the Pines, really. And a silly little guy. A silly little obstacle. So, naturally, when it came to Bill's arguably "closest" relationship to someone in the show (Ford), it was very easy to interpret it as Ford being tricked by a completely apathetic Bill, who was just using him as a rung on the ladder. And I do want to stress that Ford and Bill's physical actions remain fairly consistent throughout interpretations, and focusing on the fact that Bill badly hurt Ford is important, so if that's how you still see it, then fine by me! No harm no foul!

But I think the relationship, their story, their tragedy just becomes so much more interesting with the lens The Book of Bill has presented. We’re finally able to see Bill’s perspective as a “protagonist” of sorts in a medium where he’s not just something to defeat- and that’s something we’ve never gotten before, so it’s shedding light on an area we didn’t know about for sure! Again, Bill is lying to the character of "the reader", so we can't trust it as a completely unbiased source. But we can speculate on where the "truth" is between these lies.

First of all, Bill's backstory was that he destroyed his home dimension- we knew that already. But now, with the extra content we have about it, we see something interesting- that Bill's backstory mirrors Ford's to an uncanny degree.

Both of them champion their intelligence, although they highlight how it set them apart from others, as well as highlighting their own 'rare mutation/birth defect'.

Again, with this self-isolation already spurred on from their "weirdness", but also as a little aside, I would also like to highlight that Bill being 'ready to be one', looking up at the stars, striving to 'reach' them, is a shared motif he has with Ford, who is also associated with space, the stars, and reaching them.

Bill's 'trying-really-quick-to-convince-Ford' fantasy sequence even has him in a field of stars as a sort of "ultimate wish fulfilment". Remember, this is Bill showing Ford something he thinks would win Ford over, at least a little.

(And I'll take a quick time out for this train of thought to point out- hey! Bill admits he sought out most of his other victims, but Ford summoned him, and it took him by surprise! That adds a fun little layer of complexity to everything, don't you think? Another little layer of humanity for this whole mess- Bill didn't expertly seek out the 'perfect victim' or anything, it was just... luck. Some twist of fate.)

Anyways.

Obviously, the intro page to the 'Sixer' section has a ton of red flags galore (I mean, poor guy's literally depicted as a hapless puppet. C'mon, Bill. Not to mention the "OH BOY HE'S ALREADY SO ISOLATED, IT'S PERFECT" thing.). This guy is kind of a terrible companion no matter how you slice it. He's terrible to everyone close to him, because he's a deeply traumatized character who refuses to heal. BUT, the wording here is kinda deliciously intriguing to me. All of humanity is Bill's puppets, his future victims, but to me, it's clear that he holds a fondness for Ford. From "This is what a partner looks like", to "Me and Sixer could be the perfect team", to "He had what I always wanted- fingers" (drawn to his strangeness, maybe?), "He was destined for so much more", "I looked at his futures and giggled", and most stand-out to me, "Society calls these people freaks, I call them Henchmaniacs!"

Going back to the pre-Book of Bill era I was talking about, Bill's offers for Ford to join him were always in a sort of murky territory for interpretation. The first offer could definitely be read as mocking, with the line "WITH THAT SIX-FINGERED HAND, YOU'D FIT RIGHT IN WITH MY FREAKS!" in particular making it seem like Bill was only saying that to rub Ford's strangeness in his face, and the second offer to join Bill being under a new circumstance- that now Bill is desperate and believes Ford is the only one who can help him. But the Book of Bill mentions the idea of Ford becoming a Henchmaniac more than once, and also has Bill upset at losing Ford and claiming "he'll be back", as well as Bill seeming to use "freak" more like a badge of honour, and having previously complimented Ford's six fingers (In the Sixer intro page, he highlights Ford's fingers as a quality he likes, and in the pages about bodies, he states that "humans should have more fingers". To me, that first offer reads more now like Bill being genuine about finding Ford a place among his misfits. ...Although, the moment Ford says no, he does zap him into a statue. So. Y'know. He's still got issues.

(Yeah, again, red flag city. "Just hazing"? Bill, none of what you were doing over there was okay! You might have suppressed everything traumatic that happened to you, but that doesn't mean you can go around traumatizing everyone! Good lord.)

Bill has already been imply to like other characters because they remind him of himself. Pointing towards a connection with a character Bill DOESN'T have a weird undefinable ex-partner thing with... Mabel! Alex has says in multiple official media and interviews that Bill sees a lot of himself in Mabel, and essentially, that he thought Mabeland was the perfect prison because if HE liked all that awesome, uncontrolled chaos over any family or friends, why wouldn't SHE? And we see that again in TBOB. So basically, what I'm saying is that we have two characters to back up the fact that Bill seems gravitated towards humans or other living beings that he views as being 'like him'- beings he can relate to! So, y'know, what does that say about Bill and Ford?

There's also Bill's plans for the reader and "Weirdmageddon 2.0", where he portrays the reader as getting to, like, perch on his arm like a little bird and get their own little crown? And specifically calls out Ford for not going through with things?? Okay, Bill??

AND Ford not only being the only human mentioned on the list of people he "definitely doesn't miss so stop asking", but also having his own category? Alright, man.

Of course, another point to the 'Hey, maybe Bill can actually feel emotions towards humans besides complete and total apathy' club is this page here, which has ALSO been hotly debated! Certainly, we know he's telling the truth about his home dimension being destroyed, and we know that he's lying about the 'monster', but some interpret this scene as Bill not being remorseful at all and playing his reaction up to earn Ford's sympathy. And me, personally, I dunno if I agree. I feel like the specific inclusion of Bill "looking distant, more distant than I'd ever seen him" (Mirroring the fact that he keeps blacking out when thinking about all his large-scale massacres) and him "laughing joylessly", I think this sequence is meant to tell us that Bill actually is being vulnerable with Ford here, it's just hidden under layers and layers of deceit, whether towards himself or Ford or both.

And finally for my Book of Bill collection stuff, there's the stuff that could be read as more romantic in nature. In the 'love' section, Bill claims he doesn't love anyone, but, like-

Come on. You can disagree with me that it's Ford, but he does have exes. And he's clearly not over them. Shrimpy little liar. And then there's the fact that a lot of his hokey 'advice' is stuff he ends up directly doing to Ford.

These rats.

The Love Cage.

The Book of Bill really outlined all that in bold, but in my opinion, it was never an entirely new revelation! Bill seems to hold a preference for Ford over other humans in the show. He shows up in Ford's dreams just to say hi, tease him, and gloat (Mabelcorn) unlike the other two dream appearances he's made (Dreamscaperers, Sock Opera) which were exclusively for business purposes. Unlike every other character that gets exclusively one nickname for their zodiac sign, Ford gets multiple (Fordsy, IQ, Sixer, smart guy, brainiac, the list goes on). Bill asks Ford to join him TWICE, whereas anyone else who tries gets their face rearranged, put in a cage and made to dance, frozen in stone, etc etc. And finally, I think, the most emblematic of Bill's weird, specific relationship with Ford, is that whereas everybody else gets turned into stone, Ford got turned into gold.

Which kinda sums up their whole thing up pretty well? Bill gave him special treatment by turning him into a golden statue (similar to yellow ha ha), always holding him close, but, like... Dude. You still kidnapped a man and turned him into a statue and then threatened to kill his niece and nephew. I don't think it will change his opinion on you if he's the Most Pampered Hostage, Actually. I just don't think that we need to explore the relationships between characters as simply "Well, this character hurt the other one, so we shouldn't really think about why or what they feel personally, because what they did was bad, so there".

Bill & Ford interest me because they're a tragedy in motion. We can see that Bill and Ford mirror each other in a multitude of ways, and we can see that they both do have positive feelings towards each other at the time they meet, and we see that Bill very desperately wants Ford to be just like him in the unhealthy ways; the ways that make Bill destroy entire universes and compartmentalize it all, because maybe then, he can finally have the companionship he so deeply aches for. Bill and Ford both had tough, lonely upbringings, but Ford moved on from that "I don't need you" mentality. That's what saved him. Bill didn't, and that's what got him where he was in the end. I feel like that's just so much more interesting than Bill just being a flat entity that makes abuse Happen to Ford, just as another Event in his life. I mean, isn't it just SO much more interesting that Ford humanizes Bill, in a way? That Ford makes him- in Bill's own words- "sentimental"? That a chaotic dream demon has regrets and loves and favourites and connections? It's the same thing with Fiddleford & Ford, although, obviously, to a MUCH lesser extent than Bill & Ford. But you get what I mean, right? You know that Fiddleford and Ford are going to undo each other in the end, and the path to that downfall is... it's telling a story! I like the story of it all! I think that's what I've been invested in and intrigued by all these years- the story, the tragedy of Bill and Ford. No matter what form it takes.

(Plus, as tumblr user fordtato pointed out in their own essay (not tagging because this post is messy enough as is oh god), hey, Ford now has two incredibly queer-coded narratives, with one of them being about how he recovered and was able to heal from an abusive relationship. And, well, I think that's just neat.)

Anyways, that's the end of the post. Thanks for reading this long!

[boolger]

A lapdog at a farm - chapter 2

<-former chapter ~ AO3 link ~ next chapter-> I will block any ageless blogs. Call of duty. Explicit, 18+, minors do not interact. read the tags. wc: 6181.

Farmer!John Price x Hybrid!Reader, hybrid! Kyle Gaz Garrick x hybrid! Johnny Soap MacTavish x hybrid! Simon Ghost, John Price x Nikolai.

tags: Rape/non-con elements, dub-con, dog!hybrid!people being kept as pets, alternative universe - farm, dark, farmer!John Price, working-dogs, punishments, mating cycles/rut/heat (no omegaverse), the dove isn't dead but its dying, reader is a brat, knotting, animal tails and ears, mentions of trauma, violence, angst, hurt/comfort, collars, rough sex, breeding kink, biting, threesome, foursome, everyone is fucking your honor, enemies to lovers, chubby reader, reader has a pussy

Author's note: reminder that reader is kinda a bitch at some points, thinking mean, unjustified things about our 141 once in a while. Unreliable narrators, my sinner. Apologies for any grammatical errors , the bad russian and such. So uh, this got waaay longer than intended so here you go. It will be a couple of days before the next chapter, so enjoy this snack for u all, my sinners.

chapter 2: Delivery from the Hybrid's Den!

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

“I have a friend coming over for a while,” John softly said next morning, hand resting on your head, fingers stroking your long ears now and again,, “to help us with getting the boys settled.”

You were on the floor, half way beneath the kitchen table, snuggled up against Price’s leg, feeling much more needy, knowing the ‘boys’ as your owner called them, would be delivered later today or tomorrow. They needed to be chipped and Price had asked for a full health check from his vet, as well as vaccinations and dental care. John was a caring owner; the mere fact that he did this from the get go was proof of that. He had done the same when getting you, made sure that any recent wounds or scarring were taken care of - getting your teeth fixed and your nails checked.

You didn’t have much of your fangs left when he got you; your earlier owners had taken those, the memories still haunting you once in a while. They had done it without anesthesia, not even by professionals. Same with your claws, that wasn’t beneath your nails anymore, thanks to former owners as well. Price had gotten the wounds cleaned and fixed up; they had almost grown closed by now. For most of the time that you lived with John, he had made sure your nails were always done nicely, however you wanted them.

John was a good master. You loved him, more than you knew you should, desperate for his attention, acknowledgment and praise. You didn’t want to share him, not with these hounds he had decided to get…

… not with this apparent friend.

You didn’t answer with anything but a displeased sound, tightening your grip on Price’s pants; when he offered you another piece of sausage you were quick to eat it, licking at his fingers while he chuckled. For a moment your tail wagged, eating the food and pressing against his hand.

He couldn’t be serious - abruptly changing so many things? and you were just supposed to accept it? Finally, you replied.

“Do I know your friend?” You didn’t bother to seem excited in any way, your skepticism seeping into your voice like poison. Price took another sip of his tea, not commenting on it.

“You’ve met him before but it’s been years. First year I had you, I reckon. Remember Nikolai?” 

Nikolai. Nikolai. Different faces flashed for your eyes, trying to pinpoint who you had met that bore that name. 

“No,” you finally admitted.

“Can’t blame you, lass. You were a little mess when you met him.”

You let out a huff at his words, embarrassment making your toes curl. It was true, your mind was muddled when it came to the first half year or so together with Price. You had been wary of every single person, desperately acting out and having to wear a muzzle, slowly getting used to the gentleness and rules of John. How he was fair and didn’t change his rules, didn’t punish you without reason.

You heard the front door open, ears peeking up a little, a small bark leaving you on instinct.

“‘Morning,” Laswell called out, making you settle again with a huff. While Laswell was strict and sometimes a meanie, she wasn’t a threat. Only to you and John’s private time.

“Good morning,” John called out, “I’ve made coffee.”

“Ugh if I wasn’t a lesbian I would marry you,” Kate groaned happily, by now so comfortable with John that she simply moved to take a cup in the cupboard, helping herself to the coffee and some food. They had known each other when younger, that was all you knew. Their stories always changed when you asked.

“Morning puppy,” she greeted, leaning over to give you a small pat that you leaned into, tail wagging once more, “are you going to misbehave again today?”

“Hopefully not,” John hummed, picking up his tea cup once more, “Nikolai is arriving in a couple of hours.”

“Ah, your old crush,” Laswell mused happily as she sat down across the table, once again making you wonder how long they had known each other, “going to pull yourself together this time?”

Wait. Crush… crush? Your head whipped up to look at your owner and oh fucking hell, John fucking Price was blushing. You huffed, clearly not pleased at all with this new knowledge.

Wonderful, wasn’t that just fucking wonderful? Now he was going to abandon you fully, to run around being a lovesick puppy and playing with the new hybrids.

“Don’t tease me,” John answered, clearly embarrassed, a rare sight indeed, “that’s none of your business.”

Kate just laughed. You let out a grumble, trying to snuggle even closer to Price, practically clinging to his leg by now. Price returned his hand to your head, petting you once more, looking down at you. You returned his gaze, doing your best puppy eyes, letting out a little whine. He smiled at you, his other hand scratching you beneath your chin.

“It’s been years,” he mused and you were pretty sure that he wasn’t even talking to you, “he had to return to Russia. His mother passed away.”

Russia? A memory appeared in your mind. A small party. Champagne, treats. Praise from Price’s friends and colleagues, attention and love that you had basked in. Other hybrids that sent you longing and lustful looks. A tall, broad man with a loud laugh and a strong accent. Wearing a gold chain. Long hair, rough hands when he scratched you. He would almost make your owner shy with his teasing but he would shower you in love.

“Did I meet him at a party once?” You asked, “big guy, strong accent ? Wearing a gold chain?”

John laughed, “yes, that would indeed be Nikolai.”

Huh. It was not much you could remember about him. You remembered liking him, but despite that, you weren’t really interested in him getting here.

“He is going to help with Soap, Ghost and Gaz,” John then said, almost as if to convince himself that was why he was here. You rolled your eyes at their names. Not that you had any say, you were usually just called different pet names, but you no longer bore the name your mother had once given you. It wasn’t unusual for pets to get their names changed with every new owner. Your legal hybrid name, with John, was Daisy, even though the man rarely ever called you that. He called you so many other names, Princess, Darling, Sweetheart, Birdie and so on. But apparently he had decided not to change these working dogs’ names.

“Sure,” Kate answered with amusement in her voice, taking another sip of the coffee before adding, “whatever you say.”

Price didn’t answer with anything but an annoyed grumble.

“Those are stupid names,” you muttered. A sharp tug on your ear made you yelp, one of your hands grabbing onto his wrist to get him to let go of your furry ear. 

“Be nice, Princess. You’re going to behave, am I understood?” You didn’t meet his eyes, a little whine merely escaped from you.

“She just needs to be shown her place,” Laswell carefully said, John not letting go of your ear, much to your dismay, but he didn’t tug on it - just kept it there as a warning, “maybe they’re better at that.”

“Hopefully they’ll be better at it than me,” he muttered and you whined - the grip didn’t loosen and he didn’t look down at you.

“Nikolai is going to help with that too?” 

“He had ideas, at least.”

Fucking wonderful.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Nikolai was the first of the four men that you already hated, to arrive. 

You stayed inside the house, watching John appear from one of the stables, almost lighting up at the sight of the man who exited the car.

He still looked like the old memory you had of him; big, long black hair and a grin on his face. He was taller than John but not by much, Almost seeming completely opposite to your owner. While John wore working clothes, a grey T-shirt beneath his blue flannel, dirt on his pants, Nikolai was wearing a pair of blue jeans, white T-shirt and leather jacket.

Even inside the house, you could hear the booming man that was Nikolai - he greeted your owner with a loud “John!”, before hugging him, even spinning him around. You couldn’t help but stare; John was far from small but the other man had swung him around like he had been a teenage girl. 

John was blushing like one too. The sight made you curious - just like you wondered how he and Kate met, you wondered how this Nikolai met your owner.

You couldn’t help but wag your tail at how happy they looked. Despite how you hated the idea of the man staying here, even just for a little while, you liked seeing John happy like this.

Then two pairs of eyes suddenly looked directly into the window, both staring at you. It made your ears tip back a little. Your tail kept wagging, eating up the attention. 

When they moved, you moved too - rushing towards the entrance, stopping in the doorframe to the living room. 

“My my, if it isn’t the famous puppy,” Nikolai mused, his Russian accent strong, eyes almost twinkling as he looked you up and down, “up to trouble, da?”

You huffed, crossing your arms, though you felt your tail betray you by wagging a little, “I’m never up to trouble.”

Both of the men laughed, making you growl a little. 

“Unruly - just like last time I met you!” Nikolai mused, looking over at John by his side, “you gave up on training?”

John shook his head, “don’t even get me started, mate.”

“You told enough over phone,” Nikolai answered, waving his hand at John while pushing his shoes off with his feet.

Ah. So he had talked about you with Nikolai already? The fact made you scrunch your nose a little. Maybe Nikolai was just as stupid as John when it came to realizing why you were upset.

Nikolai stepped into your personal sphere with no warning, almost backing you up against the door frame, making you panic and growl a little. Tail no longer wagging - you could see John tense up in the corner of your eye, but you were too distracted by the stranger.

“Nik—“

A part of you expected him to hit you - you had met plenty of strangers with your former owners, who didn’t even let you sniff their hand or anything. Some hurting you and —

He offered his hand. It didn’t hit you, but raised to your nose instead. You squinted at him, before taking a couple of sniffs, still not quite sure what to make of him.

“Don’t like you,” you growled in warning, showing your teeth a little, not even attempting to be polite. 

“You don’t like farm life yet, puppy?” He asked, tipping his head to the side, voice demeaning, stupid smile still on his face. You wanted to slap it off his face. “Stupid little puppy.”

Instead you chomped down on his hand, Price instantly scolding out your name, moving to drag you away. But Nikolai didn’t even flinch - didn't move besides laughing again. 

It made both you and John confused.

“If you want to hurt me, you would have to bite harder, Princess,” Nikolai crooned, “now let go.”

You wanted to piss in his shoes and rip his socks to pieces. Maybe scratch up that leather jacket of his. Yet you found yourself letting go of him, your teeth barely even having made a dent in his skin.

“Get your ass into your room,” John hissed, a redness in his skin that you weren’t sure came from embarrassment or anger from your action.

“No harm done, John,” Nikolai laughed; he scratched you behind your right ear, just a tad to the left and it was like your brain melted for a couple of seconds, your body reacted on its own, tail wagging and right leg moving as well, “she just attempt to be dangerous no?”

John let out a small sound that you weren’t sure  what to make of before he grabbed you by the collar and dragged you away from Nikolai, “and that’s the kind of behaviour I don’t want.”

“He was being mean,” you whined in self defense, unable to not follow the hand dragging you into the living room, “he almost dared me to!”

Perhaps an overstatement, but you already knew what was going to happen the moment that Price pushed you over the armrest of the couch, “I bit him to defend myself!”

“You will not, and I repeat myself, not bite my guests,” he pulled up your skirt and down your panties with such a quick movement that you didn’t get to point out that you didn’t care, one hand grabbing your tail; his other hand collided with your ass cheeks, once, twice and then a third time, before he snapped out, “got it?”

A defiant bark left you, because while you knew it was bad behavior, you also wanted to prove that you weren’t afraid of this Nikolai. You twisted a little, knowing your ass and pussy was basically on display for both men. 

The grip on your tail tightened making you cringe with pain, jaw tensing.

“Apologise.”

You shook your head in defiance, ears hitting your face. Price leant over you a little, hissing out, “I would advise you to apologize, princess. Now.”

A part of you knew he was upset because he liked Nikolai. If he actually had feelings for him, as Kate had pointed out and several things pointed towards, you knew he wouldn’t like being embarrassed too much. Your ass still stung a little.

You were the actual victim here, weren’t you? It wasn’t your fault he decided to change everything you loved and then accept that he had his lost love over, who immediately tried to push your buttons.

“‘m sorry,” you mumbled after two seconds.

“Louder.” John demanded, straightening up, so that you were no longer hidden.

"I'm sorry."

There was silence for a moment - then the sound of a lighter and as you dared to glance over at the bigger man, who was leaning against the door frame, you saw him staring right back at you, a lit cigarette now between his lips.

“Is okay, Lapochka.” He said, stupid smile still on his face.

With that John finally let go off your tail, pulling up your underwear and your skirt down, ignoring your whine. He didn’t even touch your pussy! Didn’t even give you some love!

You pouted as you looked over at them, sliding down from the armrest of the couch, hands going beneath your skirt to rest against your warm skin on your cheeks.

“Sorry Nik,” John once again apologized - as if it was him who John had just spanked! The audacity! You let out a little displeased bark.

“She usually doesn’t bite people,” he continued as he ushered Nikolai as if you weren’t right there, needing love and attention.

“Is okay,” Nikolai answered with a shrug, casting one last glance over at you, smirking for just a second, “some of it was my fault - wanted to see what she would do.”

Asshole.

“Room, princess - now.”

“But he literally ju—“

“I said now.”

“You’re being so fucking mea—“

“Crate then.”

“I’m going, I’m going.” You might have slammed the door to your room, growling as you plopped down on your big fuzzy dog bed. 

It was about 30 minutes later than you dared to wander from the room to the kitchen again, standing in the doorway, watching the two men talk. Eyes moved to watch you again, as you whined and got on your knees. crawling to the two men, shamefully settling between Price’s legs on your knees - tail carefully wagging, sending your owner a pitiful glance.

“‘m sorry,” you whimpered, knowing John was easy to sweeten up, “‘m sorry, sir.”

A hand moved down to scratch you, though it wasn’t John’s-  you carefully licked his hand, a pleased rumble leaving the guest.

“Smart one,” he muttered, giving your cheek a little pinch, “knows how to be sweet, da?”

“Always,” John answered, looking down at you with his usual loving eyes, “soft lass is hard  to stay mad at.”

“Perhaps you need some more company,” Nikolai pointed out, “I worked with military pets before, they’re much different than you, milaya.”

“We don’t need them,” you whined, having no idea what Nikolai had just called you, “John will forget about me, will be too busy, he –”

John’s foot ever so gently pushed against your stomach, “don’t start that again.”

“Just insecure,” Nikolai suggested, making you huff.

“Am not,” you argued, but you still nuzzled closer to John, starting to move your hands to his inner thighs, moving to look up the best you could, looking from under the edge of the table, sweetening your voice a little, “It’s just a mistake, that’s all.”

“Spoiled, that’s what you are, darling,” John pointed out, but he still reached out to gently pat your head, “however, the boys will be here in a couple of hours and there is nothing you can do about it.”

You whined pitifully at his words, upset that your clear dissatisfaction with them joining the farm wasn’t clear. It was like John didn’t want to realize at all that he didn’t need to stay out on this farm. He needed to go back to the city, to the fancy penthouse apartment, to the parties that lasted out to the late hours of the night, where you could gossip with all the other hybrids.

“Milaya,” Nikolai repeated again, rustling with something in his jacket that hung over the back of the chair he was currently sitting on, pulling a little package from it. You watched curiously, though trying to seem disinterested. That was until he opened it and the most wonderful, mouthwatering scent you had smelled in a while appeared and you instantly moved from between John’s legs to Nikolai’s, making your owner chuckle.

The piece of jerky looking meat that Nikolai held in between his thumb and pointer finger, looked simple but oh the smell of it made it known that it was good.

“You behave and let us look through papers now, da?” 

“Yes,” you said, unable to look away or stop your tail from wagging, “I’ll behave.” 

The moment Nikolai offered you the piece, you were on it, barely missing his fingers with your teeth as you stole it from his grip. Nikolai was chuckling, putting the bag back into his jacket, while you chewed, a pleased moan leaving you as you settled beneath the table. 

Hopefully these mutts would prove themselves too difficult - so that John would send them away again. You would happily wave goodbye to them. 

With the sweet aftertaste of the meat in your mouth and their soft voices discussing fences, you closed your eyes.

You weren’t going to help with the pack settling in - that was for sure.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

You barely got used to your owner’s crush, before there were once again new things happening. Kate appeared, greeting Nikolai like an old friend as well. You hadn’t figured out much about the man, other than he had worked with a lot of hybrids throughout the years. And with helicopters. However that all fit together, you didn’t know… didn’t really care.

The big truck that arrived a couple of hours later, stood out against the farm houses; a colorful logo was painted on the otherwise steel gray vehicle.

THE HYBRID’S DEN! helping owners find their perfect hybrid pet since 1960!

You remembered seeing their logos everywhere when you were sold to the auction, years ago. The auction houses and facilities had often felt like an intermission from your former life to your new; never knowing what was going to happen, treated with the minimal care, but kept healthy enough for the auctions. 

The staff wore the colorful logo on their black uniforms, exciting the truck a few moments later. You almost wanted to tell them to ‘get the fuck back into that truck and drive off’ again, but you figured it wouldn’t result in them actually doing so.

You kept your distance, standing on the steps of the front door - strategically keeping Nikolai between you and the closed metal crates that were inside the truck. There were nothing more than a few air holes in the boxes, from where some different sounds appeared. Barks and a growl or two, though they all sounded a little slurred. Nikolai moved, giving you a better look at them, as he joined John who was nodding along to some of the information, while looking through and signing some papers. Though you were mostly distracted by the crates, you could hear some of their conversation, catching words like sedated, muzzles, stressed. Your own trip hadn’t been nice either but a part of you wanted to point out to your owner that this only proved your point of this being a bad idea.

Some of the auction workers helped move the crates to one of the bigger empty sheds that Price had apparently been renovating without your knowledge. So apparently not so empty any longer. Not that it had been hard to do that, you ignored most of the different renovating and building jobs that both John and the helpers did.

Still… he could have told you. God, did your master tell you nothing anymore? It didn’t really help your mood, your growing annoyance clearly amusing for Nikolai if his smiles back at you were anything to go by.

Despite your repeated frustration with this entire situation and these new hybrids’ mere existence, you followed along inside the shed. It was nice… Isolated, with a tiny bathroom, an area padded with mattresses, which was clearly for them to sleep together, pillows, blankets… you wanted that too. Sure, you had loads, but this only made you want more, want more from Price, so that he could prove he still loved you. 

There was a radiator, several windows, lamps and electricity outlets. You scrunch your nose with displeasure. They didn’t deserve that. At least they weren’t inside the main house. 

There was a little notch in the other corner opposite the bed area, almost like a tiny expansion, another door next to it; it was almost like a small horse stall - a deep layer of hay covered the floor. You didn’t even step into the place, but you knew the hay would itch.

You wanted it. Not the itching of the hay, but the entire place, simply for the sake of having it, so that they couldn’t. Speaking of them, you watched from the main entrance as the metal boxes were opened.

The Belgian malinois and German Shepherd mix was the first one to stumble out of the box; he fell two steps later, directly into the hay, a deep sigh leaving him, eyes darting around. You could barely see him from the amount of people inside the stall. 

“It’s alright, Gaz,” Price comforted, while you stayed in the door, keeping his distance to the hybrid, “You’re okay, boy.”

Gaz didn’t answer, just panted a little, ears tipped backwards - his eyes looked a little blown from what you could see.

“When will the sedatives wear off?” Laswell asked one of the workers, but you didn’t look at them, eyes instead at the other hybrid. 

When you had arrived, you had been scared and angry, drugged as well. But you had been alone. While you grew up with your parents, in a nice enough place, you hadn’t seen them for years - and while you had befriended a lot of other hybrids throughout the years, you had never been a part of a “pack”. You were alone — but this Gaz wasn’t and a part of you envied him, even for that.

“In an hour or two,” the worker replied, pulling you from your deeper thoughts, “they weren’t too happy to settle down before we left. It was necessary.”

A small bark left the man in the hay. It was answered by the two other hybrids, who still hadn’t come out of their respective boxes. Nikolai gently tapped on the top of one of the boxes with a knuckle.

“Come join your friend,” the Russian suggested, voice not as loud as earlier.

A moment later the border collie mix, Soap, crawled out of his box, eyes instantly on Gaz, letting himself lay halfway on top of the other. A little growl leaving him, muffled from behind the mask. Not even a second later, Ghost got out of the last crate. The Great Pyrenees almost got on his legs, growling despite the muzzle and swaying from the drugs.

You watched the staff pull back the metal boxes, letting the hybrids get some space. Ghost didn’t stay on his legs for too long, eventually sitting down next to his pack mates, the lower half of his face hidden from view as he looked around the shed.

His gaze stopped at you; you were unable to sense the reaction from seeing you again, if there even was any.

“We’ll let you have some minutes, okay? Then we’ll take the muzzles off.” John gently offered, pulling the giant from the moment, so that he looked away, giving Price a small nod. Your owner was at the edge of the hay filled area but he didn’t step into it.

You stepped back, letting the staff members from the auction pull away the boxes, Laswell and another farm worker helping them. Nikolai looked from the pack, then over his shoulder at you, barely even trying to hide a smile.

Then he winked. You sent him an unimpressed look back, tipping your chin up a little, looking away from the three hybrids in the hay, pretending you weren’t curious about them.

Some more rustling in the hay and then a half croaked, “mah held hurts,” left Soap, voice a little slurred - you couldn’t help but look over at him. His accent was weird. His ears were tipped down, some hay already stuck in his hair. With the pathetic look on his face you didn’t understand how he was supposed to be a big bad soldier.

You weren’t being petty at all.

“It’s the sedatives,” John calmly answered the hybrid, who let out a big breath from behind the muzzle.

“If I take the muzzle off, will you behave?”

“We have water for you,” Nikolai added, keeping his distance - you kept him in between you and the dogs, not risking anything. You trusted the men to be able to defend themselves. But with no claws or fangs, you weren’t a fighter - more a runner. Even if you didn’t like running.

The two muzzled ones, Soap and Ghost, sent each other a look - but it was Gaz, half hidden beneath Soap, who let out a tired “please.”

Ghost gave a small nod then. John stepped into the hay, unhurried as to not spook them, and it was Ghost who tipped his head down first to let Price open the lock with a small key. The moment he was free, he smacked his cracked and dry looking lips. 

Clearly, the man had never heard of chapstick.

Though, much more apparent, where the colony of scars on his lower half of the face. Trailing from around the lips, one over the nose as well - cheeks and chin. As he smacked his lips, you saw he had lost a fang in the bottom of his mouth. It wasn’t just sanded down like yours, the tooth was fully missing.

Price repeated the action with Soap, the hybrid instantly opening his mouth wide with a yawn, his jaw even making a popping wound.

Nikolai appeared with three bottles of water from a little cooler in the shed - you didn’t have your own cooler, which meant you would be demanding one… not that you needed it but still — giving the hybrids each one, that was always immediately opened. Gaz pushed Soap away and sat up too, while John backed away.

“My name is John Price -we met shortly at the auction. I’m the owner of the farm and you will all answer to me. Got it?”

“Yes sir.” For a moment you were impressed with the three hybrids’ synchronized answers. Only a short moment however. They were probably just beasts trained to answer like that. Yeah, yeah, you could do that too, if you wanted. But you didn’t.

“This is Nikolai, my friend, he will stay with me for a while, helping you all to settle in properly. You will follow his orders too - as well as a mean looking woman, Kate Laswell, who will appear at some point.” Humour tipped into the last part making Soap snort and Gaz give out a half-slurred giggle, while Ghost just let out a grunt.

“And this,” Price suddenly turned over to you, looking a little amused from the distance you kept between all of them, “is my pet, Daisy.” 

“Well hellooo, bonnie lass,” Soap said, his tail immediately wagging, grinning at you, as he slurred, “aren’t ye a sight for sore eyes.”

Nikolai and John dared to laugh at his words, his rather pathetic attempt at being charming, while you growled, watching Soap get an elbow in the side from Gaz, while Simon just stared, almost differently than the scot, like a hungry beast. If you were fully inside the shed, you might be able to smell if they were turned on. Disgusting. 

“Come’ere, sweetheart,” John crooned, clearly pleased with the reactions from the men, while you scrunch your nose, tipping your chin up a little - giving it a shake to reject the command.

“Do not be like that, milaya,” Nikolai suggested, “thought you were going to behave, no?”

You just growled a little again, unable to help your tail go between your legs a little; you didn’t really want to be spanked again, but you didn’t really want to become acquainted with these hybrids either.

“My princess isn’t too pleased with you lot being here,” John calmly explained without taking his eyes off you - they were still all staring at you - as John raised a hand, making a ‘come-hither’ motion that had you swallowing some spit, “but she isn’t going to chase away any wolves, are ye, pet?”

You huffed, crossing your arms before stepping inside the shed. The scent in there was nice and clean, even with the vague scent of the newcomers, and you walked to John, stopping halfway hidden by him.

However, as John’s arm snaked around your soft waist in a strong grip, you whimpered as you were pulled forward a little, unable to hide behind him. Both Gaz and Soap were wagging their tails at you, while you tried ignoring the scent of the room the best you can.

“I’m expecting you all to get along - and not hurt each other too badly, understood?”

While the others answered in agreement you just hid your face in his shoulder, twisting a little in his grip.

“No playin’ too rough,” Nikolai added, “Puppy isn’t used to other hybrids.”

“I am!” you snapped, “Just not…”

The shed was quiet for a moment as you mulled over your next words. What to call them. Military dogs. Strays. Mutts, un –

“Not what?” Nikolai almost seemed entertained by your declaration and you looked away, before finally mumbling.

“... working dogs.”

Simon huffed. You shot him a sharp look that he didn’t really seem to be affected by, in any way.

“I’m sure you all will get along,” John just mused, before looking down at his watch, “A certain princess has become too bored now we’re no longer in the city -” he ignored your mutter of ‘have not’, “- and I can’t entertain her all the time. Mentally or sexually.” 

You whined with embarrassment, a little angry growl seeping into it, but Price didn’t really react, barely moved as you twisted in his grip, ignoring the grin of the several males in the house. 

“ - Now, I will leave you three to get acclimated a little. But, there are a couple of rules that I expect you all to follow, if not there will be punishments.”

Synchronized nods. You still twisted, digging your fingers into his arm to no avail - then a hand snagged onto your collar from behind, choking you shortly as you were pulled back, Nikolai pressing against your back. Now free, Price pointed to a little map over the area, that you hadn’t noticed on the wall.

“Your jobs will essentially be to help keep the place safe. We have had problems with wolves and foxes, and so has the neighbors, since there lives a bunch in the area. You three will help keeping them away and Soap will help around my sheeps and goats in particular, given you’re a herding dog–”

Soap nodded, tail wagging, all three dogs staring at the map intensely.

“- I will find other things for the two of you to help with as well, but your main focus will be on keeping the animals - and the rest of us - safe. One of the neighbors got some horses stolen not too long ago. I would like to avoid that as well.”

You didn’t even know that. What you did know, however, was the heat of Nikolai’s body behind you, keeping you close and tethered so that you couldn’t run off.

“Most of the wildlife will go away if intimidated, but at times you might need to attack them. I am not going to give you any firearms yet though,” John looked over at them, his voice  firmer than you usually heard it, “That will come along the way, if needed. We can discuss other weapons later on.”

The mere idea of John giving them any kinds of weapon made you want to throw up - or throw a fit. Had he gone fuckin’ mad?? giving them guns? They were going to shoot everyone, going to kill John and you. You really didn’t want to die.

“My farm includes these - and these fields. You will not and I repeat not, leave my land without a valid reason. There will be punishments if you do - you will all be given collars like another certain puppy–” all eyes watched you for a moment and though, you wanted to hide  your face in your hands, you didn’t, merely crossed your arms, ignoring the low laughter from Nikolai behind you, “that are fitted with trackers, so I will know if you do.”

Great. So hoping for them to run off wasn’t a possibility for now.

“Biting or attacking my staff in any way will result in severe punishments. You will lose privileges if you don’t do as told, without a valid reason. Is that understood?”

“Yessir.” 

“Good boys. Now, these upcoming days you will most likely be following me or Laswell around, while we get you in on all these. All dinners will be eaten in the main house and you will be given keys once I get them made one of these upcoming days. I will give you a couple of hours now –” Price looked down at his wrist watch, “Then call you in, an hour or two before dinner, so that you all can shower. Any injuries, allergies or anything that the Hybrids’ Den didn’t write down, that I need to know?”

They all shook their heads, behaving like synchronized swimmers in your opinion. 

“Good. You’re all free to relax here or explore the farm if you wish so, when the drugs wear off.” 

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

As you entered the farm house, you shrugged off your jacket and abandoned your shoes in the entrance, not caring to clean up after you, ignoring John’s irked huff.

“Insane!” you declared, walking further into the house, “You’ve gone insane! You’re all going to forget about me and those horny knotted mutts will be all up in my business!”

You flopped down on the couch, face first, continuing your ranting into the fabric.

“I might as well barricade myself inside my room - Because I dont have a tiny house!! but guns! SURE ! give them guns!” Your voice was muffled, but you were, perhaps a tad dramatically, loud in your ranting. You could just make out whispering between the two men but you didn’t care… not until you were forced to, quite literally.

“Little puppy,” Nikolai’s accent was heavy - his body even heavier as he settled on the back of your thighs, a fist coming to rest next to your head, that kept his full body weight from you, “Throwing a fit again, da?” 

You could feel the slight bulge against your fat ass, making you swallow - and tail wag, hitting Nikolai against the thighs, making the man chuckle. John as well, who settled down with a cigar in one of the arm chairs opposite the couch. You didn’t even need to look to know that he watched as Nikolai tugged at your skirt.

[askhezureviews]

Think you’ll ever do a review of Arcane? If you have seen the whole series, what are your basic thoughts on it?

OH HELL YEAH IM WRITING A REVIEW FOR IT AS WE SPEAK

Uhhhhh,,, oh man I'm gonna ramble SOOOoo much about this show it's my most favorite show of all time.

Season 1 is super solid, LOVE the character arcs and build up, they are INCREDIBLE. The animation is solid, the storyline set up is full of hype, the butterfly effect is very prominent in the story telling and I love me a good action packed story heavy series surrounding politics. Boy howdy does this show give us depthy characters, I'm LOVIN it! Season 2 arc 1 is also pretty solid.

Arc 2, ep 4,5,6 however.... they have some interesting ideas but are otherwise a complete and total mess. Our entire cast straight up disappears from the plot, rushed to all hell (we needed a season 3 SOOooo badly) Every single member of our main cast has contradicted themselves, often within the same episode. The narrator is unreliable.

The final arc of season 2 picked things back up, and while its not perfect by any means, it was breathtakingly unexpected. I enjoyed so much of it. I feel like our characters had good wrap ups, I just hate how we got here. One could argue the show also ship pandered the ending quite a bit and I'm not gonna disagree, I hate to say that was ironically the best part for me.

I was actually mentally, physically, and emotionally unwell for an ENTIRE week after the finale. I stayed up all night watching it. I've never seen a show pull something so insane in my life. I was astounded. I don't think anyone could have predicted how things would have ended up. If Arcane had a season 3 to actually sit down and give more time to explore the ideas they shoved into season 2, I feel like people would be less divided on it. Despite my disappointment for season 2, I still think this show is very good and would recommend it to everyone, even my own mom, ahahaha. ~ Spoilers below for an overall issue I have with Arcane, for both seasons. A really annoying pet peeve of mine

The writers have a problem with plot devices. There has been one per season and they're not good. Sky Young and Isha. They're used to rush a character to the next step in their arc. My personal belief is that these two are wasteful. They only exist for a member of our main cast. They are not their own characters or have any legit relevance to the overall story.

Sky Young is there as a symbol of Viktor's 'humanity' even when the methods of her death or how she's used in the story don't make any sense down the line. She's just an 'obsessed' one-sided love interest that forces Viktor into giving up on the Hexcore- to give up on Piltover and Jayce. Only for him to drop/kill her a SECOND time in season 2 regardless of his initial guilt and distress over "losing" her.

Isha is used to force Jinx to live up to a symbol of rebellion against Piltover, as well as be Jinx's "redemption arc" (she didn't NEED one??? wtf) morality pet, as well as force Jinx into a situation where she'd consider unaliving herself so Ekko can come in and save her.

I am so annoyed with how these characters were handled. Sky should have been more than a lab assistant crushing on Viktor, and Isha should have been more than Jinx's redemption arc morality pet. It's shocking we have such flat plot devices in a show with such insanely depthy characters- especially the other women! I'll talk more about them in my video, but any time I see them on screen, I just want to skip over them.

[msfbgraves]

Terry's backstory confuses me.

He's in Vietnam, but with his brains, and the implication that he comes from a wealthy family with his dad's business, why isn't he in a fancy Ivy League college? Or why couldn't his dad buy his way out of the draft, if Terry was drafted in the first place? But then Terry himself subtly implies in the parlor scene that he and his dad might not have the best relationship, so maybe Terry "drafted himself" to prove something to his dad, or his dad didn't care about him potentially dying?

And the other thing: how did Terry get into to special forces in Vietnam, and go on that mission that got Ponytail killed? He seems out of his element in Vietnam, very young and a little dorky and much more naïve and innocent than (the presumably older) Ponytail or Kreese. And physically Terry is still growing, and comes off as very young, 17 or 18 at the very most. (I headcanon his birthday to be 1950/1951).

He doesn't seem to be on the same level as Kreese or Ponytail either physically or mentally. Maybe Terry was chosen for his intelligence?

Only after "the cage" does Terry seem to grow up a bit, but then he's shown to still be under the thumb of his dad in the parlor scene.

The whole thing is a mess to me. That's why I don't care for the scene where Terry tells Kreese about the Sekai Tekai. They both look way too young for the era, and they both still come off a way too nice and normal. It clashes with how we see Kreese just a few years later in KK1, and Terry in KK3. Those are enormous and negative personality changes!

Yes, it is inconsistent writing - UNLESS

All these flashbacks are only through Kreese's eyes. Indeed, the Sekai Taikai scene especially makes no internal sense, except when you consider that Kreese may be an unreliable narrator, even to himself.

He sees himself as a sweet guy to his protegees Da Eun and Johnny. We know from the film that he demonstrably insn't, but that doesn't change his perception of himself. So how he sees Terry, as a scrawny, scared sidekick, has as little to do with reality as anything else. Often, in flashbacks, characters imagine their younger selves or other people as shorter, to symbolise immaturity. Kreese remembers this scrawny boy Twig, the sidekick he saved. But was Terry ever that insecure Twig of a man? Granted, Terry confirms the nickname in Cobra Kai. But this boy in Special Forces, the way Kreese sees him? No way. Did he play a weakling? Certainly could have been a strategy. It worked in the cage, didn't it? Got Kreese to take the fall? If people think you're weak they think you're less of a threat. Why did they shoot Ponytail? He SEEMED the more threatening one. Which gives Terry the element of surprise to work with. He does it in the fight with Chozen too. He seemed beaten, which made Chozen lower his guard - big mistake. He teaches Kenny this. Feign weakness, win. Use the fact people underestimate you as a weapon.

Definitely worked on Kreese!

And yes, why is he even there at 18 (can't have been much older with how young he looked in 1985. I would have never given him 35 there, let alone more than that). Why would anyone let a boy like that join a war that was known to be going poorly, casualty wise? He wasn't drafted. No way. Not with his smarts. He joined.

His father was likely a WW II vet, and if he fought in the Pacific and got his status from there... Terry will fight in Asia too. He clearly knows about the heroes of WWII and he is very jealous of their status and heroes' welcome. None of that for him, and we see that's a big wound. He risked his very life in a war to be like his father, to no avail. And the man likely didn't stop him joining. Terry needed to prove himself worthy in his eyes too, and it didn't work. He still has something to prove to his father after the war. John disdains that, that's why he remembers Terry, again, as a weakling. "I'll go where you lead, Terry"? It's certainly what Kreese expects, but even Kreese becomes aware that this is not how Terry acts now. And John feels that he only needs to pull rank to restore that dynamic, except that it never existed. Terry has always used feigning weakness as a trick, but when Kenny asks him: "What should I do?" He says: "I want you to stop asking me, or anyone, that question." Kreese simply has a warped view of Terry and himself, and Terry has used it against him, likely more than once. And that talent might have well gotten him into those special forces. The talent for trickery. Using the more obvious super soldiers as a smokescreen, even for the enemy. For all we know Terry speaks fluent Vietnamese. It's like the scene in Men In Black: who is the most dangerous foe? Everyone goes for the scary looking aliens, only the smartest one goes for the little girl among all the monsters. Terry is likely there to make them all look like regular draftees, when they're in fact anything but. And if he can make his comrades think he needs protection, he's far more likely to survive.

Indeed, he's the most dangerous one. If he had been forced to fight in the snake pit, he would have tricked his officer, the same way their officer messed with Kreese's head. Indeed that's what command may have seen in "Twig". Kreese simply never saw through it.

Now, in business as a ceo looking a weakling is not an advantage, so Terry changed his image (he does that). But by that point the way Kreese saw him was too deeply entrenched already.

His mistake.

[sanderssidesthehouse]

For the character bingo, could you do Roman?

Absolutely!

Circle sizes represent my confidence in marking them.

I unfortunately don't have it anymore bc a few years back I deleted my sasi blog like a fool bc I thought I wouldn't need it, but one of the first things I said when Remus was introduced was how Roman suddenly made so much more sense. As someone with both younger and older siblings, it was a moment of clarity. He just acts like someone with a sibling. Idk if this point really clarifies anything, but it was something that made me like him more.

I need my bb boy to get out of his people pleasing era. I'm just going to go ahead and quote my unreliable narrators post bc it's relevant (sorry I keep doing this, I just happen to be right about stuff in that post):

Roman does that thing that Patton does where he tries to be what everyone wants him to be but like… to an even more extreme degree. Where Patton pushes his emotions down and sometimes tries to seem like he knows more than he does bc he feels like he’s supposed to, Roman literally will be thinking and feeling one thing but do the exact opposite and will self sabotage to an extreme degree. He WANTED to go to that call back. (...) He agreed with Janus but felt like he was supposed to agree with Patton so despite it making him miserable in every possible way, he did what he thought he had to to make sure Patton still loved him. Roman is devastatingly tragic (...) All this to say that you can’t judge what he’s thinking and feeling by what he says and does.

I do think it's so interesting how Roman really liked Deceit when he first popped up (bc Janus was playing to Roman's role as the Ego) and really only didn't like that he was pretending to be other people, a betrayal of trust, and doesn't really have a problem with Janus until after he declares they won't be going to the call back. He is literally trying so hard ALL OF THE TIME. And he must still feel like he can't do anything right.

Roman is so crunchy to me bc he has an excess of fatal flaws and non current internal way to balance them out. He doesn't trust himself to the point that he outsourced his views on right and wrong. A loyal knight marking a fallible side's word as absolute, and in his pursuit of what is just, he's fallen on his own sword only to see what he thought was wrong embraced by his lord as he bleeds out. This is a tragedy. Someone please help him.

Part of the reason he doesn't trust himself like that, is bc he's just not confident in himself at all. There are certain things he can do and knows he can do well. But being confident in a handful of abilities doesn't make you confident in yourself. He is so scared of being cast out (like what happened last we saw) and it makes him second guess himself. If he messes up, then he'll be the one staring down the sword instead of holding it. That's what he believes anyway. We can all know that's not true, but it doesn't change his deep seated fear. He HAS to be the hero. Without that, he has nothing.

I also think his insecurities play well with Remus's just existence. That could have been Roman cast aside. Still could be. What if he wasn't good like they thought? What if his good wasn't good enough? They've set an unfortunate precedent of tossing 'unsavory' parts into the abyss, and Roman can feel the breeze coming up from where he stands at the precipice. Even the slightest misstep will send him tumbling down.

Right so, I'd apologize about the Roman angst, but I'm not sorry. As always, anyone and everyone is encouraged to add on with their two cents!

[cuephrase]

all the penance ✨lore✨

i say "all" i will probs forget stuff lmao. if you had any questions or this posts spark some, feel free to send me an ask!!

so okay. one of the things i absolutely delight in doing as a writer is like attention to detail for oomph and drama and sometimes that comes through very clearly, like the chapter names each being a different stage of grief (which was technically not planned, as in i didn't know that from the jump but as soon as i titled chapter 1 i knew what they were all going to be), and other times it's more subtle. basically, i overthink everything but uh i have fun and now i'm going to share all that with you!!

if you are most interested in how i came up with the ending, scroll to the bottom of this post 🫡

⚠️ SPOILERS AHEAD ⚠️

cw: the fic is tagged with MCD and deals extensively with grief and mourning, however, !big ending spoiler!: everyone lives :)

the pov rule(s)

the pov could only ever be someone who could see ghost!tim. so ch1 and 2 are strictly tim and jason (and why we don't get jason pov until after he sees tim again). the first time we get dick's pov is after ghost!tim gets the bracelet that makes him visible to everyone!!

that being said, the reason why we don't get bruce pov until he's making the trade with tim is because i...i wanted bruce to look bad. listen, unreliable narrator is extremely important to me, okay? and the second we got bruce's pov we would see how he's actually doing vs how the boys were perceiving him and it would've ruined everything.

i wanted bruce to be incredibly frustrating, what can i say? it's relevant later, bookmark this for when i get to the Ending.

why touching hurt

okay i never found a convenient way to work this into the fic, but there is a reason why touching the ghosts was physically painful.

basically, interacting with the ghost of a loved one brings all of the grief they're feeling front and center.

this is why it hurts dick the most the night that tim dies, bc the grief is intensely fresh and raw. however, years later when he hugs ghost!tim it doesn't hurt as bad, although it still hurts a ton, bc he's had time to process his grief and heal in some ways.

this is why bruce seemed unaffected, bc he is wallowing in his grief on a regular basis but doing his best to function through it. he breaks when he's standing outside of jason's room bc he was already vulnerable in that moment and didn't have anything to cover with.

this is why it doesn't hurt jason when ghost!tim touches him, until after they've started the unwinding process.

jason and tim's relationship in this fic is very...unique. they don't mean anything to each other until after tim has died. his death wasn't really something that super affected jason for tim's sake- like he was mainly bummed for dick and bruce. and then, once jason comes back to life, tim is the same to him. ghost!tim is the only way he really knows tim. the way that ghost!jason feels about tim is very much so like, he's in Robin-mode and tim is a civilian-in-crisis.

and they trauma-bonded, but also they were only ghosts together for a month so like their relationship is this haphazard blend of intense vulnerability but still only kind-of knowing each other. plus like, ghost!jason is different than resurrected!jason and ghost!jason is who tim has a connection with- it's a mess, it's so fun. but anyways!!

jason isn't grieving tim's death until they start the unwinding process, bc for him, that is the moment that tim's death becomes real to him. and at that point, he's no longer just a civilian-in-crisis to jason- he's the last person jason promised himself he'd save and he's failing him.

the reason why touching hurts less over time, specifically prolonged contact, is bc it forces them to kind of sit with their grief and feel it and accept it rather than just shove it all down. in a way, it's helpful. extremely uncomfortable tho.

why alfred was in england

he functions too well as a buffer. i needed them to be forced to deal with each other and alfred being around gave them too many outs. also, after the trade, i didn't want dick to have anyone to lean on.

about dick

idk how many of you will agree with me, but i really think dick had it the absolute worst out of everyone. no lie, the whole thing that sparked this fic was stamp (@a-canceled-stamp, darling if you see this ilysm, and also you should def check out her fics if you haven't, cardboard box destroyed me) mentioning how much anguish dick would suffer if tim died, okay, so like dick having a Horrible Time was the origin and yet. seeing him struggle was...i was sitting there like "who could do this to him" as i typed merrily.

although!! fun fact!! the scene where dick and tim hug is one of two scenes that made my cry. it was not pretty. i get like really into the pov character's headspace when i write and so like i knew that the scene was going to be sad obviously, but holy fuck it hit me so hard. i tried to like give myself a second to cry and re-group, but the tears persisted so i had to just type and blink and power through. the scene was actually going to be a bit longer and more painful, but uh. i physically could not continue.

this dialogue exchange wrecked me, i tell you- wrecked me:

“I missed you so much.” He should really shut up now. “And I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you. I know you said it wasn’t my fault, but it was, because if I was faster, or if I hadn’t left you alone, if I’d been the hero you thought I was-” “But you are.” “I failed you.” The words are sharper than stomach acid in his mouth. “No, you didn’t.” Tim says. He edges closer. “Without you, I would have died alone. But you saved me from that.”

omfg it's making me tear up again, help me. *scrolls so i can't see it*

i did bum myself out with that tho, bc ch 3 was bargaining and i lost a moment of bargaining bc of my weakness.

dick was supposed to plead with tim to stay, to put off moving on for even just a day. and tim was going to be like conflicted but say something like, "if you really want me to, i'll stay an extra day. for you." and dick would realize how much the request was hurting tim, even if he was willing to give dick what he wanted, and know, awfully, that even though he just got his brother back, if he loved him he had to let him go again.

which yk. ow. but ultimately, i do think it worked out for the best!! i think i was able to cover all that emotional anguish later.

fun parallel

cw: vomit/throwing up

so penance is a sequel, but bile is sweeter is 100% optional. however, if you did read bile is sweeter you might have noticed this fun callback:

Tim didn’t need to ask Jason which was worse anymore. The bitter taste of failure in his mouth made the bile sweet in comparison.

bile is sweeter

Sour and sharp, the leftover bile burns in his mouth. It’s still a sweeter flavor than failure.

penance, ch 5

now i point this out, not bc it's an easter egg (this post would be miles long if i was doing all that), but bc it's actually a really fun, depressing reversal. in the first fic, tim feels like a failure bc he knows he's dying. however, in the second, tim feels like a failure bc he's alive.

i was super hoping i'd be able to twist that, and it was super satisfying. honestly all the body horror with tim was incredibly fun- at the beginning when he's a ghost and in denial about it but can't help noticing all the things that are missing. this line in particular was really fun imo:

Tim crept closer, the terror in his chest building. It was such a quiet terror without his heart pounding. 

and then, hopefully, bc lacking a pulse/heartbeat had been reinforced as a trait of ghost!tim, i was able to immediately signal what the results of the trade were when ch 5 opens:

He can feel his heart beating in his chest.

which. opening ch 5 was a Challenge. i wanted it to be very in the moment and even though tim was alive, i didn't want there to be any sense of like relief or peace. i also didn't want to flat out say "Tim is alive and Bruce is dead!!", partially bc i knew people were expecting a twist, like even if i brought tim back i might've done a fake-out as far as who traded with him. i don't drag it out very much, and i don't think it's a surprise for anyone who wasn't guessing a fake-out. but that is also why the chapter opens the way it does- one by one you get a name, so you can confirm who's alive.

but back to the body horror!! tim having a hard time re-adjusting to being human again was so much fun to write. partially bc of like all the little details, all those small things about existing that you might not notice, but also bc all of those things were working together to remind tim that he was alive- which he was not happy about. like. everything was a trigger for the poor kid.

oh!! another really fun parallel/reversal, that i can explain now bc i explained why touching the ghosts hurt- ghost!jason is the one who has to explain to tim that he's dead, right? he's the one that helps tim figure that out and learn the ropes of being a ghost. and he's comfortable in that role. however, despite that, jason is the one that has the hardest time coming to terms with the fact that tim is not alive. this one makes me !!! because like if you notice, ghost!jason never actually says "You're dead" to tim. i mean, it is implied often and evident via context clues, but yeah!! like look:

“Am I…? I’m-” The word stuck in his throat. He tried to say it again and only succeeded in making that hollow feeling inside him expand. “Aren’t I?”  He stared at Jason helplessly. He understood what Tim was asking, didn’t he? Oh god, why had he asked him. He didn’t want to know.  Jason glanced away, blinked rapidly. Nodded.  “Yeah.” He moved as if to pull Tim towards him, then stopped himself. “You are.”

even in this moment, jason can't bring himself to like fully admit that tim is dead- neither of them say the word, partially bc they don't need to to know what they're talking about but also it's like a fun lil speck of foreshadowing that jason wil really struggle to grasp that the tim he knows is a dead kid.

which, if you're like, hey wait a minute cue, but jason knew that there was a second dead robin and it was part of what made him upset with bruce, sooooo. correct!! so the reason for this is bc of jason's memories getting all messed up. he doesn't super associate the ghost he knew to the robin that died after him, mainly bc he didn't think the ghost memories were real. his fury over the follow-up robin's death is more about the Principle of the Thing than 'you're actions lead to the death of someone i care about'. plus like, there is no robin when jason comes back to life- robin is someone who has died. but tim? tim is exactly like jason remembers him. so they just kind of exist as like separate entities for jason. which is-

don't get me started on the character's headspaces, okay, we will be here for hours. i was having the absolute time of my life working out their reactions and relationships fr

tim's memorial case (or really, the lack thereof)

remember how i said earlier i was going to cycle back to wanting bruce to look bad? well. obviously the lack of a memorial case was a big strike against him.

highlighting that particular detail was really fun, even if i felt manipulative af for it bc i knew that the only reason there wasn't a memorial case is bc it was too hard for dick to have that.

fun fact: within the scope of the fic rn, i don't think tim ever finds out about this? this gets revealed when dick and jason are fighting (gah also super fun) and in the whirlwind of shit that happens just does not get brought back up.

it's also one of those things that really emphasizes that to dick, bruce, and alfred, tim was dead. a couple things may have happened here and there that made their skin prickle, but overall they were just...grieving. they didn't suspect any ghosts. bc really, the lack of a memorial isn't that heinous- yes, it's hurtful to tim, but they have no way of knowing that. and to them, they know how much tim means to them and the different ways they carry his memory with them every day.

like, tim thought they didn't do anything on the anniversary of his death. he thought bruce went out like it was any other night. which just showcases how being geo-locked inhibited ghost!tim's awareness. like, he thinks he's omniscient to an extent when it comes to bruce and alfred, bc he's in the Manor- he sees them when they think they're alone. but he isn't with any of them 24/7, even if he is seeing them in situations he wouldn't have when he was alive.

truly so many misconceptions in this series- i love it sm.

the ending

look. there were a lot of ways i could have ended this fic. however, stamp had mentioned not really liking sad endings, and i took that as a personal challenge. how could i write this fic about grief, in all of it's messiness, and deliver an ending that felt tonally and thematically in line that wasn't sad? honestly? i had no clue. before i started writing the first chapter, i knew that i wanted everyone to live, but i had zero clue how i was going to achieve that.

now, in general, i do not plot. i had 5 scenes in mind when i started writing this fic, and none of them were in the last chapter. i started that last chapter blind. well. sort of. i had a sort of mental checklist- i knew i didn't want the end to feel like a cop-out or contrived, so i had these three things i wanted to establish before there was proper hope for bruce's return:

the boys could not save bruce

tim accepting the fact that he was wanted and loved

jason accepting them as his family

and even tho we do get bruce's pov before all of these get established, they do occur before bruce is offered the deal and there's like a tangible, in-story plausibility that he might live.

the only other thing i knew for certain was that bruce was going to have to choose his kids over his parents. but i didn't know how that was going to get set up.

when the shadow-spirit came onscreen, that's when i saw how bruce could get his loophole.

the shadow-spirit is a soul guide, it's whole entire job getting bruce to the Afterlife and it's super fed up with bruce bc he's not going. time isn't supposed to keep looping the way it is. it thought that by giving bruce his parents, the transition would be quick and easy and yet this one is struggling. it doesn't offer the deal to bruce out of kindness, but cruelty. it thinks it knows how to out-think and break bruce, and kind of wants to punish him for making its job so difficult.

fun fact about the shadow-spirit: it looks the way it does for two reasons- one bc i couldn't picture a person and decided to stop trying and two so that i could get this line:

The darkness rushes at him, consumes him.

which tickles me bc darkness is literally rushing at him, but also the metaphor?! so much fun.

i also needed bruce to get his memories back bc it was Very Important to me as the writer that bruce knew exactly what he was doing when he chose his sons/chose to live by letting go of his parents. bc in that moment, bruce is accepting the fact that they're gone and he can't save them, even if he wishes he could. which is such a big deal for bruce bc his grief over losing them motivates him sm.

but i truly believe that he loves his kids so fiercely that as much as he would want to choose the happy life he never got to have with his parents, he would give that all up if he got the chance to continue being their father. bc he knows what it's like to be a son and lose your parents. but it’s still a hard sacrifice for him. so hard.

bc his parents are the easy choice, yk? who would blame him, really. and the boys already think he’s dead and can’t be saved, and as we see, they’re a mess but they’re coming together. they would never know that bruce could have come back to them if bruce decided not to. and bruce would forget that he ever knew them, so he wouldn’t even have to mourn them. so it’s tempting.

which is why i think it’s so !!!!!!!! when he chooses his kids bc i think it’s like believable that he might not choose them. within the story, and also outside of it, bc readers trusted/expected me to be evil and last we saw the boys, things were rough but they were coming together.

the boys could heal. bruce could be free.

but that’s not the story i wanted to tell. it’s not about accepting death. it’s about accepting life.

this is also why you don't see how the trade with bruce and tim goes down until the very end- it wasn't just so i could leave things off on a cliffhanger. it was so i could end it on this sentence:

He accepts the trade.

yes, bc it reflects the title of the chapter, fun, but bc by accepting the trade, tim is accepting life. which in some ways, is still me making commentary about the grieving process, bc in my experience, one of the hardest parts is accepting that you yourself are still alive. you've got to find some way to keep going despite the loss.

but it's also me making commentary about superheroes and the genre, bc yk, they're typically pretty damn willing to die for others. they'll make that ultimate sacrifice. but in some ways, the harder sacrifice is not dying, is choosing to live and deal with the aftermath of tragedy.

the title

penance: voluntary self-punishment inflicted as an outward expression of repentance for having done wrong.

and that’s kind of what they’re all trying to do the whole fic, sacrifice themselves as punishment for their perceived mistakes and shortcomings.

but their basic premises are wrong. death is not their fault. they are not mistakes. there’s nothing they need to atone for. all they need to do is be there for each other.

anyways!! i think that's everything i can think of rn, shy of like dissecting the whole entire fic. if you read through all this (and/or the fic itself), tysm for entertaining my ramblings!!

[sizhui]

Hiii Angie just curious is there a common fan interpretation of any of your enstars faves you really dislike

HIIIIIII oh man. I am such a pedantic nitpicky person when it comes to enstars that I dislike basically everything anyone except for a small group of carefully chosen friends and mutuals have said about my favorite characters. It's really tragicomic how bad online fans are at reading any text that demands beyond surface-level engagement, thinking and compassion. I too am a literature major and i WILL act pretentious about this! By the way i blame the trend of editing characters over Tumblr text posts for 50%+ of fandom misconceptions and it needs to die.

I think i want to talk about izumi and Leo today, because i already talked a lot about wataei in the essay i posted a few days ago, and shunazu ....i shan't get into that mess today. So..let's start with perhaps THE most foolishly and strangely misinterpreted guy in all of enstars. Leo.

Leo, together with Mika, forms the most kinned duo in the enstars fandom, which means hundreds of poor weirdos project all kinds of things onto him to hell and back, and at the same time, strip him of all of his actually interesting and unique qualities. They do, i guess, see his two main surface level qualities - being insanely good at and obsessed with his artistry, and being very scatterbrained and erratic - and somehow their little minds have turned him into some weird dumbass that can't even lead a proper conversation. No - literally, I've read Leo centric fics where he talks like a literal seven-year-old, and can't get through two sentences without yelling ucchuu, inspiration! While Leo does have a tendency to lose his train of thought, he is like. Very verbose and observant. He is, in fact, the second character after eichi who comes to mind when i think of long, heavy monologues in enstars. I just end up being like, have you ever heard Leo talking? He uses extensive and developed metaphors, he describes his own feelings and his personal mental desolation with great insight and emotion. And above all, he is able to pinpoint the exact weakness of his conversation partners, even those he isn't intimately acquainted with, and use it against them. Like. Leo can be incredibly sharp and sober, and he can be incredibly mean with the right aim. I also wish people saw his deep anguish and suicidal ideation as more than something relatable or meme-able - because Leo's story is one of death and rebirth, of the highest and purest form of salvation and of complex relationships in which both love and hurt eternally coexist. It also bothers me that people can't seem to understand that Leo knew izumi had always loved him . He knew since very early on. But he also knew that izumi wouldn't choose him over affirming his own self importance. Which was true, and makes it all the more painful. Then there's also a fact that Leo consciously sent people into their deaths in the war, not only for izumi but also FOR MONEY AND FAME but let's not get into that rn, the point is that he's Not that innocent either. A minor thing that pisses me off is how lots of enstars fans in izuleo spaces tend to make Leo find of throwing around innuendos and sex jokes when Leo straight up says that he hates sex jokes and boys ' talks. Like he just would not say that . All in all he's not your funny depression artist 69420 man he is a tortured soul who just barely evaded eternal danmation in the hell that is being misunderstood, unseen and used by the people closest to you and reached the paradise that is, even if it's just for a moment, being lovingly embraced for all that he is.

The thing people always miss about izumi is that he is a very unreliable narrator of Leo's story. The poor dear was so shaken by the realization that his beloved idiot is more lion than lamb that he deluded himself into thinking that making him like that is HIS FAULT AND HE RUINED THE INNOCENT LEO!! even though....Leo acted consciously for himself, as we affirmed earlier. All in all, izuleo is a sad relationship of two people who both thing they corrupted the other to the bone marrow, while they're actually both trying to make the other into their perfect shape and love it. But yeah that delusional, self deprecating manipulation of the readers' expectations on Leo is partly to blame for people misinterpreting Leo too, i think. Because izumi would rather you think Leo is stupid than a bad person, and most of the "truths" you get fed about Leo are spoken through him. Oh Izumi and Leo, how wonderful and yet horrible, so much more wonderful and more horrible than people think

[fastcardotmp3]

When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass it on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love!

oh what a cool thing 😭💛

I've only got 4 fics on ao3 right now but I'll pad it with something from my tumblr ramblings too fjdaskl

METAMORPHOSES - (109k+ wip) Eddie post-Kas possession recovery fic ft. Steddie hurt/comfort slow burn and the Eddie & Nancy friendship of my dreams

I think this is genuinely my favorite thing I've written so far even though it's not done yet. It feels like I've learned a piece of what it's taken to pull this together from every other thing I've written for this fandom and I'm finally finding a cohesive way to put those pieces together. Upside Down twisty turns? Character studies? Motifs and throughlines? you know the drill. I love this Eddie with my entire goddamn soul I'm so grateful to anyone who has taken the time to hang out with me in this little universe

there's blood in my ears (and a fool in the mirror) - (58k) Eddie & Max escape from the UD post S4 ft. Steddie getting to know each other pre S4

my very first ST fic, I just NEEDED to write about Eddie and Max stumbling their way into chosen family-hood and stumbled myself into making Boys Kiss along the way and although it's not as popular as some of my other stuff, I love this little world and I love my first try at playing around with UD logistics and DIY lore.

someone else's favorite song - (120k) Steve centric as he grieves the death of his mother and stumbles through the ups and downs of a FWB relationship with Eddie

This will never not have a special place in my heart, I got so much out of writing this both on a technical writing learning level and just the catharsis that always comes with writing about grief for me. I write for myself to such a degree that it still shocks me every time someone mentions connecting to this story and I am so full of gratitude that my catharsis could be yours too so just <3

that's just wasteland, baby! - (19k) Steve centric post S4 apocalyptic Hawkins ft. life affirming shower sex and buzzcut!Steve

I am always thinking about the immediate aftermath of season 4 and what kind of impact All That would have on the actual town of Hawkins, I mean we are RIFE with opportunity for good apocalyptic romance/ found family and this was my go at it. I'm really proud of managing to do something short and slice-of-life rather than accidentally writing a novel fajdskl and I had a really good time just narrowing my focus and making it a small story in such a Big setting ya know

reprogrammed au - (tumblr meta) after the end of the war with the UD, the people responsible for the NINA Project use that technology to wipe the Party's memories (at least for a little while)

If it's not already clear, I really love playing with the boundaries of what sort of unexplored set-ups exist for cool premises in the canon ST universe and this is just a further extension of that. I would love to write a longer more involved version of this, because there are just SO many avenues to take, especially with such a broad ensemble cast, and I love a good, kind of fucked up introspective moment/ any excuse to mess around with structure and unreliable narration so this is like the gold mine for me.

I have no idea who's already done this so apologies if I send out any repeats! I just haven't been scrolling as much this week because I'm busy getting my ass kicked by situations and circumstances and such woof

[funwithchickenjane]

"there is nothing like the locked tomb..."

reading slumps suck. so i wanted to take a crack at recommending some specific read-a-likes that i've enjoyed over the years. without further ado...

"i really wish more books had..."

big-ass bone construct battles > the archive undying by emma meiko candon

this novel follows sunai, a man who cannot die, cannot age, cannot escape his past, and tries to solve most problems with gay sex. you will find familiar themes of chronic physical and mental illness, unreliable narrators losing their minds, body-swapping/mind-sharing, and monsters of bone and flesh slamming into each other.

whatever 'as yet unsent' had going on > witch king by martha wells

several people, some with history, some without, most grieving, all gay. and you guessed it--they're on a dangerous mission tangential to a rebellion plot! this novel best captures that energy of "the battle has happened, and now what?" as well as the impact of personal relationships on peoples political convictions. and yes, one of them is an anal-retentive lesbian cop.

labyrinthine houses of mystery > piranesi by susanna clarke

a weird one! piranesi follows piranesi, a odd little man living in a infinite house(?) with endless corridors and rooms. he knows only himself and The Other, until one day a third person shows up. here, you will also find themes of chronic illness and insanity. it also has guys who maybe shouldn't be god, houses of mystery, and a dark-academia-adjacent mystery. sadly, i don't think there were any cows.

fucked up old people threesomes the broken earth - n.k. jemisin

this a pretty grim fantasy series about a version of earth with fifth, extreme, seasons and people with geologic magic. alongside familiar themes of imperialism, oppression, and rebellion, this novel features one of my other favorite trios that messed up the world with a baby and a bomb. it does capture some of that retelling of the end of the earth vibes from nona. the use of names and identity is also quite interesting.

nona's genuine love for earth and its people > 17776 and 20020 by jon bois

stay with me through the football beginning. if you've come from the homestuck, you will appreciate these webcomics about three space satellites and the immortal, utopian earth that has nothing left to do aside from playing football. i think it is the only other thing i've read that captures both the human spirit and the horrors of immortality in quite the same way. (yes, it's still gay).

lesbians lesbians yuri lesbians yuri > kissing the witch by emma donoghue

this novel reimagines and connects thirteen fairytales into a tapestry of different (frequently lesbian) relationships and experiences. this book is one of my favorites when "two young adult lesbians who fall in love" is a little stifling and you want a larger cast of characters. (milfs, i mean when you want a book with milfs)

epic queer love story with necromancy > mo dao zu shi by mo xiang tong xiu

listen. i know that in the queer novel/ship tournaments the tensions were high. i know we're trying to focus on lesbians here. but i need you all to know in your heart of hearts that every bit of propaganda in the great 'wangxian v griddlehark (v old people)'-off of 2023... applied to both books. highly, highly recommend.

lesbian nuns... in space! > our lady of endless worlds by lina rather

this series of novellas tracks an order of nuns on a living spaceship serving in the outer colonies. faced with new orders from the church and a the distress call from a new colony, the order begins to question the version of history they were taught and the validity of their mission. (i have seen this promoted as 'camp', but personally, i find the themes to be much more serious/genuine than that).

[kordbeetle]

beetle's HEART is in the RIGHT PLACE.

it's his MIND that keeps MESSING HIM UP.

A STUDY OF ... the inability to retire. identity of doubt. denied by fate. the boy who called wolf. the unreliable narrator. someone better than i. my only friends.

THEODORE KORD from DETECTIVE COMICS.

engineered by nami.

this blog follows from @vitrumbra

hi! my name is nami, i use it/its pronouns, and i'm an animator(i have a degree lmfao).

this is a blog for TED KORD! this is PRE-N52/REBIRTH and his main verse takes place years after his death in COUNTDOWN TO INFINITE CRISIS where in for an unknown reason, he comes back to life. i still haven't read blue and gold, but it's possible my interpretation will slightly change because of it. as of now, though, i base ted on countdown, as well as his origin comic SECRET ORIGINS ISSUE 2.

Don't be a dick. This is probably my number one thing, this is for tumblr, it's writing, it's for fun. So lets have fun.

OC. Crossovers. Duplicates. I LOVE ALL OF THESE!!!!!!!! I am a huge advocate for ocs, especially as an oc writing myself :] I love ocs, give me your ocs. Give me crossovers too!!! He is literally from another world than main verse, so yes. Then duplicates, I LOVE DUPLICATE!!! I love discussing them and writing the interactions and WAGH!! Whether it be twin verses or otherwise, I grabby.

Selective. Mutuals Only. For the sake of my comfort, this blog is selective and mutuals only, meaning if I don't follow you, please don't try to thread with me or reblog my posts. I'm okay with sending questions or anons, but actual threads is a nono.

Mun =/= Muse. I AM NOT TED. Big important, I do not condone any of his actions. Please don't equate his morals and actions to my own.

I will not hold back my muse. I don't like to restrict or hold back my muse. I let the muse go in the directions the muse wants. The second I feel forced or the muse feels forced to do something that's out of character or unrealistic for the character, it causes inspiration to dwindle.

Triggers. This blog is 18+ only it will contain triggers. i try to tag as much as i can, but i am bound to miss things.

Discord/IMs. Discord is open for mutuals!! I am practically always on discord, I do the occasional discord drop, but all you have to do is ask and I'll give it to you.

Other Blogs. I have........a lot of other blogs. This blog is also a side blog. A side blog to VITRUMBA! I also have a LOT of other blogs, so if I'm not here, I'm there.

Activity. I have recently graduated from art college in Animation! So I am extremely busy trying to find a job and the like. This blog is LOW ACTIVITY.

Length. I have a habit of writing a lot. Like a lot-- You don't need to match my length, I just ask you give me enough to work with...that being said if you reply to like 5 paragraphs with a single sentence, I probably won't continue the thread lol.

I think that's it? I'll add more if necessary :)

[sumicats]

ALIENATED

[ TAGS ] toxic dynamic, unreliable narration, manipulation, trauma, abuse of power, DEAD DOVE ; DO NOT EAT !

✦❅✧───✧❅✦

CHAPTER 1 - A BURNING MEMORY

𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 ⋆ ۪ ﾟ ˖ song for this chapter!

Li's POV

"Hey mom, I'm back! Did you start making dinner yet?" No one responded. Weird. I went to the kitchen only to find it empty. "Are you guys home? Yuming? Mom?" I asked, again met with silence. "I brought back the groceries you wanted!" I yelled. Are they home? I took my phone out of pocket- I should probably call them. Before I could press call, I felt a tap on my shoulder. "AGH! Mom you scared me! Why didn't you reply?" I asked her. No reply. "Mom?" The house started to smell really weird. The air became foggy. I couldn't see her anymore. "Mom!" I cough from the smoke. "Mom, we need to get out! Mom-" She was burning. She was burning. I can't do anything- I can't move. It's like something was holding me back. "MOM!" I screamed. Why couldn't I move?! I stare as she mumbled something. I couldn't hear her. "Mom?" "It burns," she says, before the flaming roof collapses on her.

Rei's POV

i was greeted with a burst of flames and a blow of smog into my face, while the screams of agony echoed around me. the abrupt shift from the quiet, dark bedroom i was just into this tragic scene. little stray sparks from the inferno land on my white button-up shirt, leaving small burn holes. i walked toward the burning building, fully engulfed in flames, delicately stepping over debris and the remnants of this dingy home. as i cautiously approach the collapsed kitchen, i see the burnt remains of what i can only assume is a mother. 

the heat has reduced her once loving caring arms into a dark crispy layer… her wrinkly charred skin was barely clinging onto her flesh, her flesh barely clinging onto her bare brittle fragmented bones. her bones were exposed, calcified, and fractured. her corpse was crushed by the wooden debris of the ceiling. her corpse was basically fused with it. her corpse fused with the remnants of her clothing, obscuring her body. she became one with the place that will haunt her baby. the once tender and nurturing warmth of her could never be recovered. the feeling of a motherly bond between her and her baby could never be brought upon her son again, leaving him to hold onto the fragments of suppressed memories about his mother. “MOM!” i heard in the distance behind me. who is that? i turned around to pathetic crying mess of a boy.

… i don’t think i should be interfering. this was unfortunate timing for me to invade his little nightmare. i sighed, opening up the extraterrestrial portal back to the mortal realm, and away from dreamland. i go through the portal, which is covered by smoke. i step through the portal, enveloped by smoke. the screams echo around me, gradually fading as i pass through.

Li's POV

“It burns,” a sickeningly familiar voice says in my ear. She sounds so different, though. “MOM!” I scream, waking up from the nightmare. I clutch my shirt, slowly regaining my breath. I open my eyes to find my dog in front of me. “...Good morning, Benji,” I say, scratching underneath his chin. My smile fades when I hear my alarm go off—a reminder that I have to go to school today. It’s been—what, a year since I last went? A year since the fire. I shudder, pushing the thought away. I hurry to get ready, not wanting to be late. I put on a random red sweater and some green cargo pants. I brush my teeth, and comb my hair—making sure I look presentable. Wow, I never really realized how short my hair is now. I look so... different from last year. I glance at the time, 7:30 AM. I should be heading out soon. Finally, I pour Benji his breakfast and a fresh bowl of water. “See you later, Benji,” I say, petting him one last time before I walk out the door. As soon as I step outside, my phone rings. Who could be calling me this early? I pick up the phone. “Hello? This is Li.” “Good. You’re going to school, correct?” “...Dad?” I say, surprised. The last time I heard from him was when he gave me the apartment. “Don’t be late. Study hard,” he says. He hangs up before I can even respond. I sigh. In all honesty, I don’t want to go to school. I’m scared. What if— I take a deep breath. I can’t be freaking out already. I rub my fingers over my jade necklace, calming myself. I take one last deep breath before I start walking to school.

[ A/N ] hope u guys liked the first chapter!! it'll obviously get more in-depth from here, this is just the beginning of the story

we hope as this story progresses, our writing improves! ╰(*°▽°*)╯

[sskk-ao3feed]

Am I Making You Feel Sick?

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/qKtQOjd by I_fuckedUrm0m I want more people to write about the pm transfer, but I also wanted to write religious atsushi. And I watched immaculate not to long ago, so. Yea..expect messed up stuff. Our boy atsu gonna go through it😭🙏🏻 Words: 679, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage Categories: M/M, Other Characters: Armed Detective Agency Ensemble (Bungou Stray Dogs), Port Mafia Ensemble (Bungou Stray Dogs), Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Orphanage Headmaster (Bungou Stray Dogs), Shibusawa Tatsuhiko (Bungou Stray Dogs), Original Characters, Special Abilities Department Ensemble (Bungou Stray Dogs) Relationships: Akutagawa Ryuunosuke/Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya/Sigma (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs) Additional Tags: there's a lot, Nakajima Atsushi-centric (Bungou Stray Dogs), Nakajima Atsushi Needs a Hug (Bungou Stray Dogs), BAMF Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Armed Detective Agency and Port Mafia Have a Truce (Bungou Stray Dogs), Agency/PM transfer, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Character Death, Kidnapping, Cults, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Religious Cults, Religious atsushi Nakajima, Trans Male Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Blocking out trauma, Murder, Infant Death, It was gonna die anyway, Immaculate Conception (Christianity), Most of the idea is from that movie, Underage Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Rape Recovery, Healing journey, Cause god does atsushi need it, Unreliable Narrator Nakajima Atsushi, Hallucinations, Forced Pregnancy, Panic Attacks, Atsushi murders multiple people, Slow Burn, Long-Haired Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), He cuts it, He gets beast atsushi hair, Armed Detective Agency as Family (Bungou Stray Dogs), Port Mafia as Family (Bungou Stray Dogs), Parental Fukuzawa Yukichi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Port Mafia Member Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Armed Detective Agency Member Sigma (Bungou Stray Dogs), Protective Armed Detective Agency (Bungou Stray Dogs), THIS HAS TOO MANY TAGS, Nakajima Atsushi is So Done (Bungou Stray Dogs), Mentioned Shibusawa Tatsuhiko (Bungou Stray Dogs), Atsushi also hallucinates him, Beast Beneath the Moonlight | Nakajima Atsushi's Ability (Bungou Stray Dogs), Akutagawa Ryuunosuke is Bad at Feelings (Bungou Stray Dogs), Awkward Akutagawa Ryuunosuke (Bungou Stray Dogs), he tries, Forced Hysterectomy, But..it's kinda a win?, Slow To Update, Poor Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Okay I'm done with tagging, Author Is Sleep Deprived, The Author Regrets Everything, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Eventual Smut, Author doesn't know how to treat wounds, Title from an Ethel Cain Song, Song: Strangers (Ethel Cain), Okay I'm ACTUALLY done tagging I promise, Holy shit that's a lot read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/qKtQOjd

[ereviews]

Icarus or An Angel

In “A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings” by Gabriel García Márquez, readers start with a sick boy and a family trying to care for him by clearing crabs. While this family takes care of their son, a man with huge wings crashes onto the beach near them. They decide to exploit him for financial gain. They put him on display and charged people to see him and touch him. The clergy of the area suspect him of being an angel. They then start to stop having revenue when a girl who was changed into a spider is brought into the village. Eventually, after quite a bit of time, the man with wings can escape. In the closing, we can see that the mother can see him fly away, but she doesn't care.

In true short story fashion, we don’t get to know the characters of this story very well. We get to how the community interacts with new events and each other. I thought Márquez did a good job of letting us know about the plot and the allusions in the story.

The narrator is impartial throughout this story. We don’t have an unreliable narrator here. While I don’t know if it would have made the story better or worse, I would have loved to see an unreliable narrator, maybe even in the first person from the child who was sick. I think the 3rd person point of view wasn’t the best for this. I would have preferred a first-person view from someone in the story.

I think this story highlights the goldfish quality of humans. Many of us have short attention spans (how and why we have those can be debated another time). In Márquez’s story, when the girl who was turned into a spider for disobeying her parents (which by the way, what in the actual hell, that is messed up) shows up in town, everyone flocks to her. The narrator does an excellent job of portraying the cruelty of man, and how we make a spectacle of those who are suffering. Everyone moves away from the man trapped in a cage, to the young girl trapped in a different type of cage. Even when the girl is gone, the town has gotten its fill of the man and is now bored of him.

Can we talk about the family? Respectfully, they are bitches, assholes if you want to be polite. I find them to be reminiscent of diarrhea. They take someone who is a being capable of making informed decisions and use him for financial gain. This characterization is done well. The narrator is impartial, letting us learn our anger without truly commentating on it.

I feel the need to point out the final scene of the story. The man escapes and the woman watches him do so. She is like “Good riddance.” What an asshole. I think the best way to present an antagonist in a short story is how Márquez did it here. The antagonist is a bad person and we don’t have to spend time debating it, we can just focus on the meat of the story. I prefer having people who I can hate from the beginning.

I think it is interesting how they portray the man with wings. We are led to assume that the man with wings is an angel. He can perform miracles when touched, however, they are of the useless variety. My opinion is that useless miracles happen for two reasons. First, he is injured. When he crashed, he most likely became injured. Kinda like how when you hurt your ankle, you start to limp. The other reason I think these useless miracles occur is because he is not giving them willingly. They happen because random people touch him. I think in the old man’s prime, he is able or was able to perform full-bodied miracles. Now the next question is if this man is a (biblical) angel. I think this is what we are led to believe, however I think there is a chance that man is a reference to Icarus. However, if this is a reference to Icarus (or an angel for that matter), then I think it is not very well portrayed. I think a better portrayal of emotion and action from the angel could help to better define what exactly we are dealing with. If this is Icarus with some god-touched powers from who-knows-where, then we should be seeing a frantic man. Someone who is fighting against everything around him, slapping away anyone who touched him. With an angel, we should see some typical portrayal of prayer, or maybe something divine to help the old man. If this is a fallen angel, then maybe some cursing of God or maybe the author describes the beauty of the man (as fallen angels are supposed to be stunning). I just think something along those lines, or honestly, something wildly out of the ordinary would make the story better.

[msfbgraves]

i’m watching the first karate kid movie, and i had forgotten how really awful johnny was to daniel in this. he was such a bully to the poor boy! but i had also forgotten how absolutely lovable daniel was—he was such a scrappy, cute, kind and sweet boy. the first thing he does when he gets to the new apartment is find some water for a neighbor’s dog—without being asked or anything! what an angel. and i love the relationship he has with his mum. so adorable!!

that’s something i didn’t like about ck—how they made the mum not like amanda when she’s so loving and supportive in this movie.

and i can’t stand how in ck, they downplay johnny’s mean bullying actions to daniel, but play up daniel’s responses to them or his short temper. wtf!!!

johnny is 100% in the wrong, fuck the ck writers. trying to make daniel into an aggressor when he was 100% the bully, and a friendly sweetheart to boot.

What is so sad about how they handled the way Johnny sees Daniel is that it could have made for such a good show. Because Johnny is objectively wrong, but the new audience doesn't know that, and they could have fanbase go "Wait, I don't remember that at all...?!?"

Because it is fine that Johnny is an unreliable narrator. That is fun, actually. He begins the very first episode on a lie: Daniel did not leave him lying facedown on the floor, as the first episode suggests, but it's been over 30 years and maybe Johnny remembers it this way now, because he looks on that moment as the moment his whole life spiralled downhill.

That is good storytelling! That is cool storytelling! They could even frame Daniel through Johnny's eyes as doing things Johnny perceives to be asshole moves, because that's how he wants to think of Daniel.

But where they went wrong with Daniel is that they showed him doing asshole things even when Johnny was nowhere in sight. And that's just not Daniel. That's bad writing! I really admire how Ralph managed to make it pretty clear even then that Daniel is reacting to the threat that is Cobra Kai, not the threat that is Johnny Lawrence, but it would have been much better if, for instance, you only see Daniel through Johnny's eyes, freaking out completely over Cobra Kai, and then the story would shift to Robby, being Johnny's son, and then everybody already loves Johnny, and they're like oho, no, Robby is getting pulled into that asshole's world and then it turns out that Daniel simply isn't an asshole. And then you get to the fight between Robby and Miguel and Robby is not an asshole at all, either. He's good, he's polite, Daniel is a good sensei, and Miguel wins because he attacks Robby's injury outside the fight and Johnny has to go like, ah, shit, AITA?

But they had to make it that Johnny was right! And you can't do that without making Daniel a completely different person! I'm glad they had this moment midway season two where Daniel went "Wow. That was out of character, huh?" and was simply allowed to act more like himself, but it would have been a better show if the writers had not been so obsessed with having found their anti-woke icon who cannot do wrong and acknowledged far earlier that Johnny's mindset is messed up and getting people hurt left right and center. And maybe even delved into the fact that if Robby is messed up to no end, which he is too, possibly giving him the skills to hurt people more effectively is not a good idea. Mr. Miyagi did not go around teaching karate either; you need a very strong student sensei bond, a real need to fight (Robby wasn't being bullied), and even then I think that Mr. Miyagi very consciously steered Daniel away from the attacking side of karate. Not because he wasn't good enough, as ck has Chozen imply, but because Daniel does have a little Cobra Kai in him, Terry isn't wrong. Daniel loves the thrill of the fight a bit too much, actually. That's in the films. "Why didn't you kill him?" Because murder bad, Daniel-san? (Tf, boy, I'm not teaching offense any time soon...) and how they built on that in CK is actually interesting! Of course no karate is defense only. But Miyagi only taught Daniel to fight with a bo because if he'd taught him to fight with sai somebody might have ended up very dead...

...Anyway, the reason I write all that is because of Robert Mark Kamen and Ralph playing Daniel, not the CK writers writing Daniel.

And yes, what they keep doing with Lucille is so bad. Nagging mother-in-law, really? Like she doesn't understand what being a working Mom is. And with her own business. Also that story about Daniel lying to her as a young boy, "it wasn't me?" Daniel is an atrocious liar, honest to a fault, he only ever lies to save others pain. "I have it under control!" [He did not, in fact, have anything under control] that's Daniel. Lucille wants Daniel to have someone, why would she come between them? If anything, that sends up red flags about Amanda. But the writers do not care, because what to mothers in law do other than nag about dinner? They have not thought about what it actually means to be a working Mom for ten seconds. The only thing they really care about is redeeming bullies and dealing with Daddy issues.

And yet so often they write something really interesting without meaning to, or the actors play it in a way where it suddenly does add 20 layers to what we knew before but that is about as often despite the writing rather than because of it. It has so much heart, and commitment, and it's often almost good and then they're like no, our self-insert Johnny is the best Johnny even when Billy and Marty are like, 'actually, you're dead wrong...'

[blueflipflops]

God I love how you describe the stress and tired weariness of Odysseus. The frustration and anger and grief of Helen. Both of their guilts oh my. Its very delicious i love it. Oh and the flow. So steady and reeling in those emotions. What a great story teller. Oh there it is. The anger. Oh, tell her Odysseus. That's what I need more to see. The anger and frustration from 10 long years in a war he didn't even want to be part with. Like oh my god i forgot his son was literally just born when he was ordered to bring his men to war. God, 10 years. 10 years without being able to push back and when they finally able to break through Helen just had to call him cruel? Oh boy... she's not wrong but boy are they in bind. Neither wanted any of this. Oh I love how you play the outside pov of Odysseus' reputation. 'Sacker of Cities' must hurt. Oh i forgot they were IN LAWS lol how could I forget Penelope was a Spartan?

'Infants no older that he was...' omfg the CHILLS. I'm thankful Helen didn't ask omg i don't know how to react to that pls don't ask. Whether it was Odysseus or Neoptolemus, it would never be easy to hear that. Least of all from Odysseus if it was him who did it.

Oh I loved it! Love how Odyssues looked over his shoulder when Helen talked about gods playing games with mortals. So subtle so descrete but really grabbed my attention. Ah the burden of being 'blessed' by a god's attention. So alike yet different. The one who started the war and the one who ended it. Both with blood of many on their hands. The titles that mean so much more. The begrudging respect and understanding between the two that no one wouldunderstand. The guilt and pent up frustrations (because 10 YEARS ! They spent 10 years there—) is so delisciously well written escpecially the slow steady pacing that emphasizes these emotions i love it!

Although I have a few questions, if you don't mind haha, so uh... In the Odyssey there was a part where Telemachus visited Melaneus and Helen then Melaneus started telling stories on how Helen like, did something on the night before they ambushed outta that horse. One where she knocked(?) On the horse and started mimicking the soldier's wives voices telling them to go out. Saying that the soldiers would've gone out early if it wasn't for Odysseus' warning. What's your perspective on that? Because its a really interesting pov to pair up with the fic. Although theres a possibility of that just being a case of unreliable narrator on Melaneus' part

There was also a part (Although I don't quite remember if it was actually part of the story or not) I think where Odysseus was able to talk to Helen BEFORE the Horse disguised as a beggar or something. Telling her the plan. Yet following up with the scene of her goading the soldiers to come out when she's with her new husband. (guy after paris i forgot his name lol) Which also makes this fic even more delicious to read with that interaction in mind.

Oh btw reading this reminds me, did you think Helen actually fell in love with paris that she ran away with him OR was it like Divine Intervention where Aphrodite messed her mind. I know in this one shot Helen said her mind was played with by the gods but i am curious on what your stance is on it because a lot of people are arguing wheter or not she did this of her own accord because she was young and stupid. But i think the latter is just infinitely more interesting in the narrative pov but also gives her some sort of say and control over herself and actions that the bards of old would often try to silence out of female characters rather than just a stereotypical stupid lovesick girl trope. Makes her more than a damsel in distress, waiting to be saved.

@prompted-wordsmith

This is for you because your small story was amazing so I want to create one in return! And since you want Helen to speak up more here is a little interaction pre-departure from Troy between Helen and Odysseus because why not!

The city hadn't yet stopped smoking from the night of massacre. Helen feared it never would. The smell of burning wood and asbestos was sticking on her clothes and hair; bitter reminder of the events of the night before. Helen didn't want even to think of the lingering smell of blood; metal and water that she had touched. It was as if everything was red now; hands and heart and bloodshot eyes. She hadn't slept that night or the night after it. She feared she never would again.

She could still feel that this was partially her fault; both the beginning and the end of it. She knew the Horse was a farse; a well-staged plan. She chose not to alert the alarm. She had chosen her side once more. And now women and children and men at Troy were laying down dead or worse. She remembered seeing Andromache being dragged out of the city in chains along with other women. They were to be sold as slaves or given as prices to the kings of the Acheans. The once proud queen was now crying woefully; mourning her husband who was killed. She had been dragged out of her husband's tomb where she went to seek sanctuary. That was the ultimate hubris along with her father-in-law Priam who she heard from a conversation had been slain upon the altar he hoped would grand him his life. She heard it was Neoptolemus, the young man who carried the blood of Achilles in his veins and apparently his rage and temper. Who would have known that a child like that could be so cruel and blasphemous? So full of rage? Helen could not see her infant son in her arms as she was taken away. She didn't even dare to ask. For a brief second Andromache raised her head and her honey eyes stuck within her blue ones. The look was almost accusatory as the tears had given her face reddish lines. Or perhaps it was the self inflicted scratches that she had made in her woe. That second lasted longer than it should be before the queen was dragged away.

"That could have been me..." she thought

However her position was not much different. As she was standing at the peer, she was always guarded by a soldier; obviously her husband wanted both to protect her but also obviously he didn't trust her. Helen couldn't say she blamed him but it still hurt. She was seeing Menelaus talking to Odysseus, sorting out the details. Helen watched her husband and her former fiance in wonder. Indeed how strange fate was! How different the two men were! She could tell Menelaus's auburn hair from kilometers away as they were held together by a band around his head. He was well built and strong, seemed dressed in sunlight. Odysseus next to him seemed the opposite. He wasn't tall. He was barely average, a few decent inches shorter than her husband and a good head shorter than her brother-in-law however he seemed wider in shoulder and his chest resembled a wall dressed in a coat of dark curly hair. His head was adorned with black hair that seemed golden under the setting sun: bushy and curly like a ram held together by various little bands that held his curls tamed under his leather headband. His beard was equally bushy and shaggy even if he had obviously tried to make himself more presentable from the night before. His onyx eyes were bottomless holes. The man seemed tired; prematurely aged that day. Helen knew that he had a similar burden to bare with her. How strange indeed, she thought. The man seemed like coming from the night. And yet he seemed darker now; his shoulders seemed heavier than before.

"Take her home safely"

Odysseus's voice drew her out of her daydream. His voice was hoarse and tired. He seemed aged before his years. Helen remembered again the flamboyant young man that was supposed to court her. Sure his eyes filled with premature wisdom and intelligence gave him an aura of age but she could remember his laughter and smile seemed those of a teenager as if trying to persuade people of his actual age. Now that teen was gone. He was a man now; long past that first youth; a Sacker of Cities.

"Otherwise all this would have been for nothing!"

The timbre in his voice; the seer accusation, hurt her much more than anything besides her husband's distrust. No, at least Odysseus...the wise and prudent Odysseus should understand. Menelaus nodded to his loyal friend and shot her with yet another look. Helen couldn't decide if it was angry or closer to sad. As he walked away she turned again to look at Odysseus. The man barely saw her with the corner of his eye but spoke nothing. Helen couldn't bare the silence any longer.

"Odysseus..." she finally spoke, "Why? How can you be so cruel?"

"Cruel?" His voice was full of disbelief, of anger that made his chest rise like the tide

He turned to her walking like a lion ready to pounce. Helen stood her ground though. She stuck her ocean blue eyes deeply within his black ones.

"Cruel?" He repeated, "I've lost my son's first 10 years because of this war!"

"This war wasn't my choice!" Helen felt the need to defend herself against him.

"It commensed because of you!" The accusation was finally spoken outloud, "Menelaus started this because of you!"

"I didn't know he-..."

"YES YOU DID!" Odysseus finally bellowed making her take a step back, "yes you did...you just didn't think!"

He turned her back at her. He was about to leave but he didn't seem done yet.

"The blood of many brave Acheans is on your hands..."

That was way too much. Odysseus should know better than hurt her this way! This was unfair even if spoken through pain and anger. Bravely Helen held back the tears that burnt her eyes. He wouldn't see her weep!

"If I told you..." she began with the best voice she could master, "...that gods play games with us all the time...that they cloud our judgment... Would you believe me?"

Odysseus looked over his shoulder but spoke nothing.

"You of all people should understand" Helen whispered

"What does it matter what I'd believe?"

"It matters to me!" Helen replied firmly. "Please, Odysseus...at least you...at least you should believe me..."

Odysseus seemed ready to reply but the last minute he stopped himself. He chose silence; cruel and cold silence. He began walking away. Two angry tears ran down her white, rosy cheeks. No she couldn't leave it this way!

"ODYSSEUS!" She yelled after him, "you're a hypocrite!"

That stopped him to his tracks as he turned around.

"What?" He asked almost scandalized

Helen was shivering from top to bottom and her knuckles turned white from clenching them too hard.

"Do you think you're any better, Sacker of cities?!" The last one was spat like an insult like a curse, "do you think your hands are clean? You say that the war commensed because of me! That so many Greeks died because of me! Then what about you, Odysseus? What about all the Trojans killed in the city in that bloodbath?! What about all these women and children that are now piled up to be burnt or eaten by dogs and vultures? Who is to answer for THOSE Odysseus?"

Odysseus of Ithaca was frozen in place, shaking in anger but so was she. And she wouldn't be stopped now. She was Helen of Sparta, Helen of Troy, Helen the daughter of Zeus!

"It was your plan, your scheme that got the Greeks inside the holy city of Troy! It was your idea that gave them the way to sack it!"

Odysseus, the eloquent man seemed now unable to respond. He seemed stripped out of his furious anger although some of it was burning inside. Instead he managed to utter

"This massacre wasn't my choice..."

A sound between humorless and mocking laughter and cry came out of her mouth.

"Oh so you tell me you didn't know? You didn't know that the Greeks who were away from their homes, wives and children wouldn't unleash all their piled hatred? Didn't you know they would burn the city that kept them away from them to the ground so it wouldn't rise again?"

He didn't respond. Helen knew he couldn't.

"You say the blood of the Greeks is on my hands. Then the blood of Trojans is on yours!"

Odysseus seemed to have trouble breathing. She had hurt him and she knew it. Perhaps she had simply voiced everything he had in his mind all those days. She could remember how tenderly he spoke of his wife and son. Her husband used to say he identified himself as father of Telemachus not son of Laërtes. Women and children...his son and wife... He seemed ready to either lash at her or leave. However as always The Man of Many Ways sighed and did the unexpected; he spoke again.

"It doesn't matter whether I believe you or not, you know. What it matters is if he does"

Helen took a glance towards Menelaus from a distance. He was preparing the ship. She sighed and returned her gaze towards the man they called "equal to gods".

"But do you?"

"Yes" he finally admitted, "yes I believe you"

Helen sighed in relief. It was her thanking to him

"There is fate between us, Helen..." Odysseus said hoarsely.

Helen didn't need to see his face behind his wide back to read his expression.

"Yes" she replied, "you could have been my husband"

"I am glad that I'm not"

That husky whisper made her look up in wonder. She didn't expect that answer.

"You don't deserve me" the son of Laërtes said, "and I don't deserve you"

He barely looked at her again over his large shoulder.

"I see now why my cousin loved you" whispered she

"And I see why he loved you." Replied Odysseus, "why he started a war for you. Not for his pride; for you. You were indeed worth it..."

He looked at her again for the first time for a while.

"You and I have both blood on our hands" he said grimly, "you, the starter of war, hold the blood of many brave Acheans upon you...while I, the one who ended it, the Sacker of Cities, will have to live for the rest of my life carrying the deaths of Trojans upon me... Women and children..."

He covered his face with his large hand and turned around. He was sobbing.

"Women and children..." he whispered again, "Penelope...my sweet Telemachus...children... infants no older than he was..."

Helen was afraid to ask. She didn't want to know. She had met enough horror for a lifetime. She wanted to move on. She wanted to forget.

"Get home safely, Odysseus" she wished to him, "Husband to Penelope...father to Telemachus. I hope you will get what you wished for..."

"You too, Helen, kissed by the sun like golden Aphrodite...daughter of Zeus. Farewell Queen of Sparta..."

He walked away. Helen heard his voice yelling orders to his men like the expert sailor he was. Helen sighed and smiled so slightly. The title he used...was addressed to her. Odysseus had recognized her admitted her but also signaled her, her fate. She knew now she had a second chance to rectify everything; first for herself and next for everyone else.

The journey had come to an end. A new one was about to begin.

Okay guys I am so sorry I have no idea why or how but yeah...this... I hope you liked it.