#the bird figurine things in her bedroom.

[prettyboyjohnny]

please everyone post more nancy i cant keep living like this

[leslie057]

rating things owned by nancy elizabeth wheeler

because she’s got a lot of little things. mostly they are very cute and strange little things.

starting off strong we have the prettiest tissue box in the world. 9/10, i think if i were sick it would make me feel better to have such a nice tissue box.

i’m fairly certain this is her diary beside it because her diary looks pink in the upside down version of her bedroom. so this is probably it? 11/10, i want to read it so bad. and very sweet pic with mom—7.5/10.

next up these pinstripe pants !! 10/10 i love them so much. oh and the index finger ring is there obviously, 8/10, such a consistent piece of her character.

a ribbon for being the bestest girl ever in the world. 10/10. also the card of cardinals: 6/10, probably just a christmas card or something rather than a symbol of her love for birds. but i still like it.

mr rabbit gets 11/10 for the name alone. and why does he look dead. i love him. he’s me.

descent from xanadu: QUITE LITERALLY 0/10. at first i was SO excited to cheer her on for reading a sex and drugs book at school but as it turns out? bizarre and gross. seems to go heavy on nonconsensual stuff. i snagged a free pdf and command f’d for whore and bitch. lots of results obviously (one use of c*ck crazy bitch…lovely). it seems men in this book say a lot of sexist stuff that the women pretend to hate but love which i can’t imagine is great for a teenage girl to consume. also just not sexy at all.

literally so bad, and this is not the worst of it.

sooo bad. the author was what 70 (??) writing that his female character got clinically DIAGNOSED with being a slut for every guy she comes in contact with. i know options for sexy literature were probably limited at this time but…please go check out something else. i wanna bonk her on the head with this book (paperback) and hug her. you don’t need to read this to be cool and sexually aware. moving on.

on the other side of that, the blondie calendar gives us a sense of the GOOD media she’s consuming!! a 10/10 no questions asked. we don't really get to see many of her hobbies or interests outside of investigation so this is a much appreciated detail.

of course like all good things in life the blondie calendar does get replaced. its replacement is what i will call Weird Antinaturalist Art Piece #1 seen in her room in s4. i give it a 4/10 because idk what’s going on really.

and here is a very crunchy screencap of Weird Antinaturalist Art Piece #2 from s4 which i will give a 5/10. note the boyfriend typical photography above it, for sure a 10/10.

there is also Weird Antinaturalist Art Piece #3 which gets an 8/10 because i like the composition and the piano player. where did she get this and why. interior decoration is her passion.

the sleeping bag and crochet pillow setup. 7/10. would take a cat nap here.

pluto!! 15/10, the best mickey mouse character i would say. i hope her cousin is taking good care of him.

bulletin board 10/10. i love how obvious it is that she has had this up for forever. probably a nice constant in her life.

and my favorite pic up there is this precious one. look at herrr. 5000/10.

her floral weekender bag. 6/10, i like it, but not as much as i like the speedwalk and the toss into the backseat. she was SO ready for her lab takedown road trip.

trapper keeper is a 9/10 because they probably put anything and everything on trapper keepers back in the day and yet still she chose this lovely understated hot air balloon. elegant.

tom cruise poster is 1000000/10 actually. she is so loyal to that man. actually though not a great pic of him all things considered so maybe i give it a 999999/10. (i love it so much because i know for a fact that jonathan byers works proactively to never acknowledge this poster, because he is more mature than that.) (he is not more mature than that, in fact he is a little pouty about mr cruise.)

KITTY FIGURINE. 10/10. i thought it was just in s4 but i found it on her other nightstand in s1. very very adorable. i imagine it is now one of the first things she sees in the morning (well that and her blue telephone: 8/10) which is bizarre and cute. the mixtape drawer gets a 10/10 for reasons that i don’t think i need to get into.

white fingerless gloves! 10/10. so chic for monster hunting.

black fingerless gloves from s4. hmmm 3/10, they're cool i guess but they don’t feel very nancy and the white ones are so much better. especially because you may get the splatter effect of monster blood on them in a battle scenario, which would be badass.

piggybank (with her name on the side). 2/10 unfortunately i don’t like him. he looks at me like i took out his whole pig village and i just need some quarters. also did she paint this herself? in that case, 3/10 for customization lol.

pastel underwear drawer: 10/10. her committment to the hollistic aesthetic and color palette of her room is impressive here. it was a good idea to use this drawer as a deterrence against her little brother and a money hiding place but clearly he has no manners and is a THIEF.

STRIPED SOCKS. 10/10. i realize it's hard to see because she's moving so fast (slow down he is not going anywhere) but they are indeed stripey even though i would have guessed solid white. and wow what good sleeping socks. stripes are just cozier. hope she got lots of sleep in those.

[avampyone]

Prompt 14: Haunted

Characters: Seraphine Desmarais(Hemlocke), the 'Shadow', Olivia Desmarais

Synopsis: Young Seraphine sneaks out to go fishing one evening and loses track of the time. A familiar shadow from the woods seeks him out, always watching.

Setting: Ishgard, The Pillars.

Warning - Blood, some horror elements.

-----------------------

The cracked open window on the second-floor bedroom suddenly flung open with a small pale hand that peered through the darkness outside. With labored panicked breaths, the young boy grunted when he shifted himself up and over to crawl through the space. Rain soaked him through, and mud clung to the knees of his trousers, across his new burgundy buttoned down shirt and spectacled his cheeks. His mum would be so very cross with him once she found out. What would he tell her…? Yet, this was not his concern presently.

The angry red scratch marks lay criss crossed all along the dark-haired boy’s arms, a few deep enough to begin to well up with hints of crusted blood. Seraphine had not been careful enough that evening. He’d become really excited at the prospect of finally catching a rainbow trout to see if they truly as colorful as one. He read recently about the different types of bait needed to lure one in and the type of day that one might find them.

Then, the darkness of the evening came and soon he could feel the presence of the shadow coalescing, dark red eyes glowing to glare and stare at him from beyond in the dark woods. Then, it had begun to crawl towards him at a pace no ordinary creature of the woods could move. Black feathers caught in the rain and winds. A giant monstrous black bird that sought to eat him or so he believed.

Seraphine had nearly been caught that night when he ran as fast as he could back home. An uncomfortable heat and friction had formed when those talon hands sought to latch onto him and drag him back into the dark depths of the forest nearby leading out into Coerthas. At times, the way dead branches entwined reminded him of a prison – or such that he had read about. Or had it been in a dream?

Regardless, the prospect of ending up in the clutches of this awful thing was terrifying enough to abandon any reason in the hopes of getting away. So, the young Ishgardian labored to hurriedly pull up the long rope, fashioned from many of his bed sheets being ties together to climb down and shut the window door closed, quickly pulling down the latch of the lock with a heavy breath.

It was not enough though. With his heart hammering in his chest, Seraphine did not feel quite so safe yet. With wet clothing and all, he climbed onto the bed and gathered up his thick comforters to hide under, only allowing a small hole to peep out to see the doorway. His short black locks cling to his head and features, heavy from the wetness of the rain and stinging his eyes.

To aid in his want for comfort, Seraphine’s muddied hand jutted out quickly to grab the small porcelain figurine perched up on the table near his twin bed. This was a depiction of Halone, the fury, lifting her spear high into the air with a brave look of confidence on her features in victory over her enemy. His mum had bought this with a wish to inspire the same bravery in him no matter what he faced.

There was a strange sound at the window of something popping, the frame creaking open in a slow eerie manner with a cool wind that blew the candlelight out. Tiny fingers clenched onto the figurine with the other lifting to pull uncomfortably at his collar – Despite the dampness that clung to him, it was beginning to feel hot – chokingly so like he had kept a roaring warmth going in his fireplace all day long in summer. The crumbled ashen logs burned lowly to embers now.

A low predatory growl hummed throughout the room causing Seraphine’s hands to wrap tightly around Halone, staring down at her pleadingly like he might suddenly possess that same confidence and strength. His bed creaked when there was the sudden weight of something heavy nearby, creeping ever slowly.

Seraphine wished to scream as loud as he could – but who would hear him in time? A sudden image came to mind – Thick silver chains that weighed, black metal bars to contain in a luxurious cage. The gleaming frame of glasses in that darkness of one seeking to open a door to freedom – but not quite yet.

There was a violent hiss from above, Seraphine’s eyes widening with horror like he knew he would feel those claws upon him at any moment. Just as suddenly, the door to his room flung open causing the young boy to jump and yelp out at the unexpected presence.

Light poured within the room from the lit candle held carefully atop a golden holder while Olivia stood there wearing a fine silken blue dress and black cape – like she herself had only arrived back home, “Seraphine, what is that noise-Seraphine...?! By the fury, look at the state of you!” She rushed forward to look him over, seeing how the rain had soaked him through and the markings on his arm with clear alarm in her deep blue depths, “What happened here..?!”

“Oh, n-no..please. I just…I fell when I came from outside. Then, I became so cold...” Seraphine stuttered out his excuses, not fully giving the truth of the situation. She had engrained in him how dangerous it could be to speak of anything unusual in Ishgard especially in church. It was better to hide and pretend… In truth, he did not wish to scare his mum either as he believed he often did. With all the talk of that shadow and other incidents that occurred.

Olivia’s hands reached for his own to inspect over his arms keenly, pressing her lips together firmly when her tired eyes peered to have many questions – but she did not ask them, “You should be more careful, dear. Go on and have a bath, mm? I will pick up the mess here. There is no need for the servants to know...”

“Yes, of course, mum! Thank you..I will be quick and go to bed soon, I promise.” Seraphine managed to smile brightly, reaching to give her a big hug when she patted him soothingly on the back. He pushed off the bed to make off to for the bath, placing the figurine back on the table. She was about to start cleaning when she blinked a little, tilting her head with wonder. The black ashy outline of his small hands lay on Halone’s figurine, burnt onto the surface.

Olivia knew that Seraphine might be different as Ange was, but it had never been anything like this...

[wrencatte]

"Still not doing whumptober!" I claim -- oh hey look, a little ficlet in the same world as majesty of lions!

...I wrote this at work again 😅

Whumptober '23 no 5 "It's broken."

It's a scene from a horror movie. That's the best way to describe it, to explain the sick fear and terror that yanks high then drops low, making everything sway, making him dizzy.

Titus's tail wags hard, like it's done a thousand times before. Excitable. And excitable for a dog his size means welts on shins and knocked over paperwork and canvases.

And then this -- Damian watches in muted panic, feet rooted to the ground as Titus's tail whips through the air at the perfect height to knock the contents of his bedside table to the ground. The lamp breaks, light bulb intact. The book he'd been reading loses the page he was on. The empty glass bounces with a dull thud.

The wooden figurine -- a delicate thing of a lioness and a small little bird that could be a robin but could also just be the promise of freedom -- hits the ground and --

Breaks.

The lioness's tail and raised paw snap. One of the bird's wings, both spread in flight, breaks off and skitters under his bed.

Titus freezes the moment the lamp falls, backing out of the room with his tail tucked and his ears back. He knows Damian isn't going to do anything to him but scold him in the low, almost Batman-esque tone he's been practicing, but he knows he's done something wrong.

Damian gently scoops up figurine and cradles it in both hands.

And sobs sharply.

Titus wavers at the bedroom door before he turns tail and scampers away. Damian doesn't notice, too busy gathering the broken off pieces of the last gift his mother was able to give him. He hasn't seen her a full year. She's alive, he knows this, but it's not enough to know. He misses her so much, and this was made by her for him.

Now it's broken.

There's glue in his desk drawer, he remembers. He carefully places the pieces on his bed and pulls open the drawer. It's organized in a very particular way which means glue -- all glue -- would be in the back right corner. Paper glue. Fabric glue. For some reason glitter glue. But no wood glue or even super glue.

Damian yanks the drawer out of the track and dumps the contents on the floor. He swears he had more glue than this. He does projects in his room all the time. There should be the right kind of glue in here! The other drawer gets yanked out and dumped, but this one is just his usual electronics when he's playing games.

He collapses bonelessly to the ground, throat burning and eyes stinging. The figurine is at eye level. Mocking him.

It's been a...rough couple of days and this? This is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Because Damian would normally be more level headed than this, he swears. He would've made Titus leave his room as soon as he saw how excited the dog was so this never happened in the first place. Or he would be remembering that there is an entire arsenal of different materials that would fix this just a few levels under his feet.

But he didn't and he doesn't. Instead, he sits on the floor of his bedroom and buries his face in his hands, and tries really hard not to cry too loudly. Defeated and helpless in a way that comes from this being that one thing, this one thing that just breaks him.

"Whoa," comes a voice, surprised and a little bit sad. Damian peeks out to see Jason at the doorway, dressed down in gym shorts and a hoodie that is definitely one of Stephanie's oversized ones. It's powder blue and says This Barbie is Tired of Your Shit in glittery pink.

It's such an eyesore and inappropriately out of tune with the moment Damian can't help but laugh even as he chokes on it.

The wrist brace and the compression sleeve on one arm and the wide pad of gauze taped down on his calf explains why Jason's hanging around in the manor in the first place. But how did he know about Damian's emotional turmoil...

Titus shoves his head between the door and Jason, tongue rolled out as he pants. Oh. Good boy.

Jason cleans up the fallen items and puts them back on the table before he takes a seat on the bed, the ground a bit much for him right now with the leg wound, and carefully picks up the broken figurine and its pieces. He drags a thumb over the lioness's back and hums softly.

Damian wipes his face roughly but doesn't get up. "It's broken," he wobbles out even though it's pretty obvious.

"Mom made it."

It's not even a question. Damian nods anyway. He watches as Jason puzzles it together, testing to see if everything lines up. There’s an extra piece missing from the bird's wing, leaving an obvious hole. That just makes Damian sob again and cover his face.

It feels like whatever's precious to him always breaks in some way. No matter what it is. An item. A person. Everything.

Jason hums again, drawn out and pitched carefully. It takes him a second to pinpoint the song he's meandering through, and when he does Damian can't help but smile. Shaky and a ghost of what it can be, but a smile nonetheless. Jason takes his hand away from his face, suddenly on the floor with him. There's pain pinched around his eyes.

"I can fix it," Jason tells him, then pauses, gaze flickering away then back. "Can I fix it?"

Damian exhales slowly. "Do you want to?"

"Yeah."

"I trust you."

Trusts him to know how important this is to him. Trusts him to do it right. Doesn't trust him to not send himself into a stress-filled mess about it though. They're still working on that aspect of his...former conditioning. Knowing when to stop. But it's important for him to know that he's trusted. They're still not sure where that one came from.

"I will finish...tomorrow," he says slowly, thinking on it. He grimaces as if he thinks that's too long.

"That's perfect. Thank you," Damian says sincerely. He could fix it himself honestly, Talia taught them both how to wood carve, but Jason being the one who fixes it, who offered with his own free will, that makes it seem right.

Jason smiles. It's almost like the smiles Damian remembers. "Any time, little bat."

[asheewrites]

Sick Call for Healer 3

After two failed tries, Raphael finally managed to turn the doorknob. And then started to climb the stairs behind the door. The walls were… painted. Creative, in a way, certainly full of birds. In trees, bushes and other greenery.

Certainly not done by someone with much expertise in the matter. Simply glancing at them, the creatures were anatomically correct. But had no sense of artistry.

It looked like a sketchbook on a wall. Unfinished.

Quite a few different species, sometimes with annotations for proper identification or close ups of wings. On a wall.

The hungry-looking cardinal over the door on the upper floor was something else.

Asmodeus certainly had enough time to look at everything, since his ‘host’ was moving in a bit of a snails pace, holding up a finger to take a break, leaning against a wall.

This angel certainly was not healthy. And definitely had a fever, judging by the temperature she emitted alone. The second door was opened in one try. And they stumbled into… a room.

It had high ceilings, plants crawled up the walls, the whole ceiling was made of glass. It already felt cold just seeing it. It was cool, too.

At least there was a sofa on the side of the room. Clutter-free except for pillows and a blanket. A perfect place to deposit an ailing angel with a desperate need to sit down. He gently led her down to she cushions and sat down next to her, made sure she had a blanket to curl up in.

With a confused expression, she did take the blanket and wrapped herself in it, legs pulled up against her chest. The shoes fell on the floor sometime later.

Raphael might be able to talk a little bit later. Which presented an opportunity to observe… the room. The pull-out couch – facing a TV and some electronics - was the only place clutter-free. The room was not untidy – everything seemed to have a place. But apparently Raphael had hobbies.

The couch table was filled with half-filled journals, magazines and…a laminator. The first shelf was dedicated to textiles with a sewing machine, countless needles, a miniature loom (of all things), enough wool to produce several quilts, many unfinished projects – and quite a few finished ones. The next shelf? All kinds of artistic material – pencils, coal, acrylics, watercolours, canvases, scraps, scissors, glue. Next up: Pottery, airdrying plasticine. Funnily enough, he also spotted a 3D printer. It made him smirk. But there were lot of painted figurines next to it. The next shelf was filled with so many books. With annotations… Several pieces of sports equipment… something like a greenhouse…  and that was only what he spotted at first glance.

And then there were other rooms – one actually had a door. It went into a laboratory, she had said something along the lines. The other rooms simply had no doors. One was a bathroom, at least the tiles said so. One was a bedroom, at least according to the many pillows strewn about…

No kitchen.

A light cough next to him brought the attention back to the angel, she looked intensely miserable and said: “I… did not realize that letting you in… means you see this place.” She blinked slowly, looking very unhappy with herself. “It’s… it’s not for visitors.”

Asmodeus looked at her, looked at the mixture of certainly well used equipment all around them and chuckled: “The couch is big enough for two, is it not?”

Some tension left her already weak frame.

“Are you going to paint the walls in here, too?” They currently were still white.

And just like that, she relaxed completely, looking feverish, but more like her usual wide-eyed self and said: “Wanted to get… better before. Got distracted. I’m better with music than with pictures.” She coughed into the blanket, groaned and put her head on her knees.

“Well, time for soup”

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2015 We went to Walgreens real early in the morning and it was a miserable 28°. I should have just stayed home, but I do like my Dollhouse Pink lipstick. This is the 4-hour Megalast in the form of a stick instead of the 8-hour Megalast that you brush on. Not only does bright pink look much better on me than I thought it would, but the stuff is perfect. It's not dry and stiff or all over my teeth. I haven’t had to moisten it with lip balm either.

I spent the last couple of days fine-tuning the cross-posting to Blogger and LiveJournal. I had problems with margins, picture sizing, and paragraphs disappearing on me, so rather than copy the text from Word, it seems to work better if I just do it directly in an email and then copy it to Word.

I might have to get a new keyboard since there is an important key that doesn’t want to work very easily lately.

A couple of nights ago I heard gunshots at about 1:30 in the morning. Tom usually checks national and international news so I asked him to do a quick check of the local news and see if anything happened at that time. A couple of people did shoot and kill each other in a south Sacramento restaurant, but that was a whole 20 miles away. Could I really hear that far even though the timeframe was right?

Someone asked me if I believe there’s anything up there that picks and chooses what happens to us, or if I think it's all random. The truth is I don't have a clue. All I know is that I hope nothing up there would actively choose for bad things to happen to us, but again, I don’t have a clue.

My dreams were anything but pleasant last night. In one dream I had to kill an intruder and it took me forever to do it because I was doing it with nothing but my fists and feet. It looked like I was going to be the one to be killed at first, but when I thought of never seeing Tom again or getting to visit my sister, it gave me the strength to deliver the blow that would knock them unconscious. Then I could stomp on his neck and kick his head in since my chokeholds didn’t seem to work.

In another dream, we were at some lodge or something. There was like a community room and then people's bedrooms kind of surrounded it. Some guy was hanging around who made me feel kind of uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be alone. I started off playing some game on a handheld device with half a dozen or so people around me in that room as well as adjoining rooms. But then when I looked up after a while I saw that I was alone. I quickly gathered up my stuff and ran into our room where Tom was asleep. At first I worried the guy killed him, but once I felt confident that he was sleeping and not dead, I got into bed as well.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2015 “I would rather make enemies being who I am than many friends being who I’m not.”

Great quote, whoever wrote it.

Winter is upon us full force and the only good in it is that a lot of spiders have been killed off as we finally hit freezing. I hate it otherwise, and the thought of spending that many more years here kind of makes me want to scream at times. Oh well. At least it doesn’t snow here.

I also realized I like this house better than any house we’ve ever had together, regardless of climate or what you can hear outside of it. I hated the layout of the Phoenix house, and while the Maricopa house was newer, two people simply don’t need 2170 square feet of space, even if they like to collect a bunch of junk. It had a very unique layout, and it did have a few positive traits over this house, but for the most part, the layout and spacing of this house are much more ideal for us.

Some of the fairy elves and animal figurines started arriving and they’re so adorable. The bird lady is just okay, but the figure skater is fantastic! The golden retriever puppy and the otter are so adorably cute.

I had another dream where Simone was suddenly back living with us and I was determined to keep her this time around. But then my determination was shot by the realization of knowing that sooner or later my asthma would flare up and I would have wheezing and congestion all over again, and that she really couldn’t stay.

Then I had a strange dream where Tom and I were riding in the car somewhere at night. Suddenly, all the numbers digitally displayed along the dashboard were upside down. We pulled into a parking lot somewhere and I saw a cop car slowly go by with its lights off I wasn’t even sure at first if it was a cop car or not. I wondered if they were on the lookout for an escaped convict in the area.

Then I was the escaped convict. I don’t know what I was convicted of, but I apparently managed to break out of prison somehow. I was in a busy diner watching a news broadcast about myself on their TV. The woman spoke of how I was smarter than the average inmate and how I managed to fool them because I had been observant and understanding of many things. I appreciated the compliments on my intellect but wasn’t thrilled with the fact that they seemed to know my whereabouts.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2015 I have had a wonderfully lazy but productive night. I worked mostly on the things I love… writing and collecting pics. I have nearly 5K pics pinned on Pinterest now.

I just wish I wasn’t so damn cold! For a while there I was freezing, especially my hands and nose. I had to bump the temp up and throw a robe on over my clothes. It’s not even December yet and I’m already dying for summer. I hate winter!

Andy said his mom said I looked like dad in the selfie I took for him to give to her, as she wanted. So to her, I look like my dad, whereas to Andy I look like my sister, and earlier his mom said I looked like my mom. Argh! I wouldn’t say I’m insulted, as I know people can’t help but notice resemblances here and there, but it’s frustrating always being compared to others. I’m my own individual self and for the most part, I just want to look like me.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2015 For my upcoming birthday, Tom spoiled me with an Amazon order last night. I’m getting another one of those short-sleeved Sakkas dresses. This one goes from orange to cream to turquoise.

I’m also getting a whopping 13 miniature animal and elf pieces to add to my collection. Still not sure if we’re going to end up buying display cases or building them, but I now have 57 pieces. A few pieces are too big for a display case, though. My hermit crab is pretty big, and of course, my rattlesnake is life-size.

Sooo… life is good and it’s great not having to wake up and wonder where my heart and anxiety might take me that day. I should never or at least almost never need lorazepam, though it’s still nice to know it’s available if need be.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2015 50 Shades of Grey = 50 Shades of Boring. Yeah, I finally saw it on HBO. Really don’t see what all the hype is all about, which was the only reason I watched it in the first place. There was a lot less action than I expected there to be. It was hardly “violent,” and the woman wasn’t forced to do anything she didn’t want to do.

It also wasn’t very realistic since rich people rarely go for poor people. To each their own, as I believe that as long as no one is being forced to do anything they don’t want to do and are happy, that’s what matters most. However, I never understood the point of the whole dominant/submissive thing. I just can’t imagine anyone wanting to be flogged, whipped or smacked, and I don’t see why anyone would take pleasure in doing this to anyone else either. But again, that’s just me.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2015 I passed the adrenaline test, but my cholesterol is still too high, according to what Doc O just told me. It fucking figures. It really does. Not going back on statins anytime soon, though. I’ve had enough dealing with medication for a while. One step at a time! Maybe next year, though.

At least my triglycerides are normal if I read it correctly. It’s my total, HDL and LDL cholesterol levels that are high. Out of borderline, high and crazy high, it looks like I’m high.

Noticed the #ThanksgivingWithWhiteFamilies that surfaced and was like, wow! You mean we can have these things without being called racists? That’s a first. And a refreshing change for once, too. Equality. I’m all for it. :)

Got a lop-eared rabbit and a Siamese cat on the way with my survey money to add to my miniature animal collection. We’re going to look at display cases at Michael’s in case we decide to buy one instead of making our own. Just not this week, though. Life will basically be on hold for the next 5 weeks. I hate this time of year! Plus it’s barely after 7pm and already in the 30s out there. We might actually freeze tonight. Wish we’d gone to SoCal instead of NorCal since we weren’t smart enough to skip Oregon and Cali altogether and just go to Florida from Arizona, but at least this isn’t very northern Cali.

I’m glad Tom has the next 4 days off; it just would’ve been nice if he could’ve had this many days off when I was suffering a few weeks ago. He’ll be busy installing the new garbage disposal and trimming trees.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2015 Used my new hot pink detangling brush fresh out of the shower and it still works great. Then I received my pale pink straightening brush. I had to wait for my hair to dry, but I love it! Much easier to use than to clamp sections of hair in a flat iron. The only thing that might be hard would be if I still had bangs. Doing the very ends is a little tricky too, but I otherwise love it.

While my hair still looks shabby, using a leave-in silicone-based hair conditioner has helped make it at least feel a lot smoother. As someone pointed out, my bad thyroid probably had a hand in destroying my hair, and not just dye. It should get better, though, as it grows out.

I asked my niece about what dyes she recommends as being less harsh on the hair, and she said they all are bad as far as the chemicals go. Yeah, this doesn’t surprise me.

I’m torn on the Syrian refugees. I feel bad for what they’re going through. I can’t imagine us having to up and run from our home cuz of some crazy war. But I still don’t think it should be up to us to pick up the pieces when other countries fall apart. There are too many people right here that need help yet why does it only seem to matter if they’re foreigners?

Had 3 separate dreams involving my deceased Italian foster parents who I will always miss the hell out of. I was swimming with Dad (at his house in MA?) and then I went inside to visit as they were packing their items in preparation to sell the house and head to Florida. Some woman was visiting as well.

I told them I wouldn’t be moving to Florida for 8 years and said that by then they should know the area well enough to show me around.

Mom then asked me if I wanted a garbage disposal and I told her I just got one, and since I only had “an attic and one small room,” I didn’t have room for much anyway.

Then she sat down on the couch with a worn-out sigh. I asked if she was sad and she nodded.

In the second dream, I seemed to be homeless and rejected by them. I walked into a screened-in patio with a lumpy surface. I could feel the “knobs” even through my running shoes. I knocked on their back door. Dad opened it, said something softly to me, and then he closed the door. I then glanced sadly at the pool in back and started to leave. Then I returned later on after dark, accidentally letting the door slam really loud behind me. I wondered if it had woken them as I made my way along the now-carpeted patio and to a corner against the wall where I hoped to get some sleep.

In the last dream, I lived right next to them. They were still getting ready to sell out and relocate. I entered in back and called out to Mom. Then I wished I hadn’t left my music playing so loud because she didn’t hear me the first time. When she noticed me I said, “Just returning your bowls,” and I placed a small stack of bowls and a few other items down on a table.

She asked if I knew where the scissors were and I tapped my forehead and said, “Think, think, think… I think they’re in this drawer,” and I walked over to a bunch of drawers along one wall and opened it.

I turned my head toward where their washer and dryer were and asked if I could do my laundry there one last time since I had the same setup we had in the trailer where we had just a tiny portable washer and had to hang dry clothes all over the place.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2015 This forced censorship we’ve got on most sites really gets to me at times. If people stumble upon something they find offensive, why can’t they just move on and leave it at that? No one’s forced to read it. No subject under the sun will ever fail to offend at least someone somewhere. Seriously, I am so sick of people’s sensitivity! How can we call ourselves the Land of the Free and claim we have “freedom of speech” we don’t really have? And why are derogatory names for particular groups only okay if everyone involved hates them? If everybody agrees a certain group sucks, then it’s okay to call them something derogatory. But if one person happens to like them, then it’s not okay. WTF?

There really is no pleasing everyone. Had I been a totally different person with a blog full of totally different opinions, beliefs, fears, phobias, health issues, lifestyles and experiences, somebody somewhere would have a problem with that, too. Nobody sees everything the same. One will see a quiet person as shy while another we’ll see them as stuck-up. It’s okay to disagree, but it would be nice if so many people would stop expecting the world to conform to what they consider correct just because not everyone wants to hear it. I can totally see not posting sensitive information, but if you don’t like the words or subjects people mention, there are a million websites with a million different subjects, wording, etc. Why not just accept we don’t all think the same and move on? I’m sick of having to watch what I say here and watch what I say there just because others can’t handle it!

My new detangling hairbrush arrived today and I LOVE it! It works great and feels so good on my scalp, too. I just wish my hair wasn’t in such shit shape. I need to either stop dying it or try to find a dye that won’t fry my hair so much. I have nothing but a head of frizz and fuzz now, even with special leave-in conditioners.

My dreams were too vague to actually put into words. It seemed one of my old docs and one of my current docs was in them. That reminds me… they never posted my lab results online and I wonder why. Did they just forget to? Or is it bad news they’d rather hit me with in person? It can’t be that bad, can it? Or else they’d have called, right?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2015 Just sitting here wondering why my water and hunger levels didn’t drop after my period like they usually do. My weight’s up again at just over the 150-pound marker rather than just under it. I ate plenty yet I want to eat some more. What the fuck is making me so hungry?

Went to Vintage & More where people set up booths to sell their old stuff. There was so much to see there! I contemplated a few items – an Indian doll, a few figurines, a wind chime, a designer purse – but decided not to get anything. Nothing new in Goodwill either, who was right next door.

Before we went out we took the bikes for a longer ride and now I’m not sure if I really like this bike better or not. It seemed “underpowered,” even going downhill, but that’s probably because of the smaller wheels. I also can’t have the seat as low as I’d like because then my knees come up too high when pedaling. The pedals themselves have longer cranks, so that’s part of it, too. We’re still tweaking gears and things like that.

My memory has improved with medication, but it’s still not what it used to be and it frustrates me at times. I used to have such a great memory, too. Tom still feels it’s good for my age, and I agree. But still, it’s noticeably worse and I didn’t expect it to start worsening this young. I thought I wouldn’t start noticing it till my 60s or 70s, but an article he read said our memory and ability to learn as fast declines as young as 45. He’s noticed a difference in his own ability to think, process and retain information since he started taking these supplements that are related to the CoQ 10 he takes.

My short-term memory is still worse than my long-term, but they’re both not as good as they used to be. Funny that we get smarter with age, but we just can’t remember half the shit we’ve learned. I constantly have to take notes. I’ve realized that not remembering where things are around here, as organized as I am, isn’t just a matter of accumulating so much stuff to keep track of. It’s also a matter of me simply not having the memory I once had. This is why I want to go through the house sometime and inventory our stuff. Not the unimportant things like decorative knickknacks, but everyday household items.

I’ll also do a journal entry and then realize I forgot to mention a few things in it later on. Like how Tom scared the shit out of me after work on Thursday. It usually takes him a half-hour to get home, but 50 minutes later I was getting worried. There was an accident on the freeway that held him up.

Later…

While I still don't usually get depressed or overly anxious, especially with the severity that I experienced when my T4 was too high, I do still get angry at times. Tom jokes and says that when I'm pissed off at the world, he knows I’m back to “normal.” It’s true. Anger is my dominant negative emotion and today there were a few things that pissed me off even if they probably shouldn't have.

When I was struggling with the gears on the new bike I felt a surge of rage course through my veins again at whoever stole my other bike. I suddenly got a strong urge to beat the shit out of them, whoever they are. If I could have magically known their address, I would literally have had Tom drive me over there.

But as always, God protects my perps.

Always.

It’s been that way all my life and that's not only infuriating, but also a bit scary. To know I could be murdered and that He would protect my murderer and make sure they were never caught is anything but a thrilling thing to know. How do I know? I don’t know how I know, but I just do. I truly believe that that would be the case. No one has ever had to pay in the slightest way for screwing me over and I know that will never change this late in life. It just pisses me off and frustrates me. Do I not deserve justice any more than anybody else? Well, if there is a God up there that actively picks and chooses what happens to us, it apparently doesn't think so. He always makes sure I either don’t know who my perps are, don’t know where they are, or that I have something big to lose if I did know where they were. It’s only because of my nieces that I’m not going to seek out and pummel their father, but then if it weren’t for my respect for them and I did maul his ass, I would be the one to land in jail with my shit luck, while he never did a second of time for abusing others. That’s the whole point I’m making here… screw you over and I pay. Screw me over and I still pay.

It would just be nice if people would stop screwing me over. I don’t want to screw them over, so why do they do it to me? They don’t do it as often as they used to and I know I should have locked the damn bike up, but still… it’s like something Andy once said. He’s had problems with being stood up and he threw his hands up in frustration and said, “But why? I have never done this to anyone before in my life. Ever.”

And what was my worst crime in life? Telling a lie? Stealing a pack of cigarettes or a candy bar as a kid? Prank calling someone? Egging a car? Not wanting every single goddamn man and woman that hit on me when I was young and thin?

Oh, wow. Just wow. That really deserves a lot of the shit I got in life, doesn’t it?

Another thing that pissed me off was when I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds. This particular story was about a stalker and how they kept saying that they really couldn't do anything unless the stalker actually did something. Well, even if I'd been 100% guilty of the letter the blacks received (unless it was as fabricated by their black pig pal as I suspect it was), I never did anything to those sick freeloaders. I never wanted to do anything to them either. I just wanted them to shut up and stop throwing trash over the block wall. That's all I ever wanted.

I know, however, that my sentence wasn’t just about their connections or the “crime” itself, but mainly about them being black and me being white. Had they been just as white as I am, it never would have come to jail as strict as Arizona is. And yes, Arizona is a lot like Texas. But ever since the L.A. riots we’ve been going harder on whites and easier on blacks, as if this could possibly justify, undo or make up for the shitty way blacks were retreated 100 years ago by those who aren't even alive today.

The point is the same – people stalk and get away with it while I get screwed for writing something I didn’t write. Never have I ever appeared in court for anything I ever actually did. It was all about what I was supposed to have said/written, and while some of those allegations were, in fact, true, shouldn’t actions speak louder than words? Really, I’m sick and tired of hearing about law enforcement wasting precious time and resources investigating threats. I can see if someone’s actually acted on a threat before, but otherwise, words are just words.

Then I got re-pissed off just at the thought of stalkers in general. Real, actual, honest-to-God stalkers. Not people who make bogus threats that anyone can make, or say things the general population doesn’t want to hear, but genuine stalkers. Not that I expect one to latch onto me now that I’m fat and aging, but I’m the type that’s much more likely to get pissed than scared, and for a second I almost wished one would fuck with me, not just so I could do society a favor by helping to ensure they thought better of it next time, but to watch the look on their faces as I ran toward them in a rage rather than away from them in fear and thus giving them what they want and get off on. That oughta be priceless.

Fit, fast and full of rage or not, I’d rather be as I usually am most of the time… bubbly, creative, quick to laugh and joke, eager to try new things, and compassionate. Or at least compassionate in what I feel deserves compassion and not what society has deemed “politically correct.” If you get shot by the pigs cuz you twirled a gun in their faces, I’m not going to feel bad for you just cuz you’re black. If you got killed in an earthquake or your house burned down, though, then I’d probably feel for you.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2015 Tom and I were laughing our asses off yesterday. He said, “Who’d have thought a few years ago that we’d one day be in a position to voluntarily turn down an extra $200,” which would be what he’d have made had he worked today.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking just a few hours earlier,” LOL.

Love the feel of the new bikes! Had to adjust the seat and handlebars a bit, and the gears still need adjusting, but it feels a lot like the Cruiser when I set the gear to #2 out of 6.

I may be thinner and in better shape than hubby but am so glad he has bigger, stronger hands and fingers so he can tighten things up well. The bike feels "safer" overall than the one that was stolen because adult bikes are simply too big for me, and this bike is suitable for those shorter than me to over 6’, though Tom said he can’t imagine anyone that tall being able to ride it. He had to push his handlebars away from him to keep his knees from hitting them. Because he raised his seat and handlebars to a very "adult" setting, it kinda looks funny being so far from the smaller wheels, but we're both happy. :) Today we brought them outdoors (locked safely in the storeroom) because the smell of the rubber tires inside the house was gross.

Got a little camcorder we can mount to the bike and sometime I’ll film my ride around the park and maybe to the lake, too.

Tom read a surprising and interesting article about sugar levels in the body they thought they’d figured out a long time ago, but that still remains a mystery. They thought the general rule was that if you ate sugar, your blood sugar would rise, thus putting you at risk of weight gain. While it still works this way at times, they studied what several people ate and found that different people had different reactions to the same foods, as well as surprising reactions to healthy ones. One woman couldn’t lose weight by eating healthy and exercising. It showed that after eating healthy veggies her blood sugar soared, though they have no idea why.

I still say the vast majority of us over 40 are heavy and always will be, so there’s no point in obsessing over it. Eating healthy and working out is great to keep us healthy and prevent further weight gain, but the severe calorie restrictions required to lose weight and keep it off just isn’t sustainable with the way it can make you feel like shit… always hungry, sluggish, irritable, etc. That’s why, after all, most of us older folks do stay fat.

The dream people got a little trigger-happy on me last night. I was in a small building somewhere and it was nighttime. A guy headed out the door, and just as he opened it I heard a male voice shout, “Don’t shoot!”

Then I saw flashes and heard loud pops as gunfire was exchanged. I ran toward the back of the building, figuring that if I put more walls between the shooters and I, it would be less likely that I’d be hit.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2015 Yesterday I felt great and was full of energy unlike the day before when I had a scratchy throat and felt rundown. But this morning I experienced that strange tingling/numbness in my upper left lip as I have on and off for the last week or two, and then I had the runs. I’m sure it’s nothing, though.

Anyway, I’m getting things done around here. Worked out, did some laundry, and now I’m just looking forward to the arrival of our new bikes.

Tom was told it was up to him whether or not he worked tomorrow and he said he’d go home and leave it up to his wife. He said if I want money, he’ll work. If I want him home, he won’t. LOL, that’s very sweet of him, but I’d never ask him to choose work over staying home when he works so many 10-11-hour shifts and we’re not desperate right now.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2015 Poor Aly. She ended up in the hospital due to low iron levels. She passed out during a transfusion and they couldn’t wake her. She’ll be released soon, though.

It was fairly quiet all week, but sure enough, they’re now trimming yet another tree somewhere. I think it's just outside the park, but it is still loud and annoying.

I forgot to mention that when I was at the doctor, the doctor, two nurses, and another patient were really complimenting my dress, purse, and purple glitter shoes. The nurse told me that a lot of people don't look good in bright colors but I look outstanding in them. Well, that's nice, but even if I didn't, that's just what I like so I would wear them anyway. :)

My purple and rainbow Sakkas dresses and my hot pink purse definitely get a lot of compliments, that's for sure.

Finally got sick of Old Navy calling for the bitch that owes them money and gave my number to them, so I answered one of their calls and got them to stop calling.

I hope last night's dream is a sign that nothing will screw up our vacation completely, even if we don't make it out of the country since Tom lost his passport. I dreamed the plane was just taking off and I was all excited about seeing Tammy and I said something like, “This is it. See you in just a few hours, big sis!”

I also had a dream I was doing a ballet dance I could never do in real life for a couple of my cousins, and then one of those cousins was doing some dance that I was trying to follow. However, I couldn't do it to save my life.

Then there was some dream where someone was asking me if I wanted someone’s dog. The person had recently died.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2015 Right now I have a scratchy throat, I’m slightly anxious and slightly short of breath. I haven’t needed any lorazepam and as long as my heart and brain don’t go doing wild things on me, I should be okay. My T4 is stable now, so I don’t expect things to get too crazy. The sore throat is no doubt compliments of yesterday’s flu shot that we got at Rite Aid. My arm isn’t sore though.

I grabbed some Triple Shine sparkly blue nail polish by Sally Hansen and then we grabbed a bite to eat. After that, it was off to go treasure hunting at Goodwill where I lucked out with a cute 16” porcelain Indian doll and a 9” surprisingly heavy and realistic Dalmatian statute. I could do bicep curls with the thing, LOL. Both came to just $12.

I was in and out of my ear doc in a snap. She emailed me the name and number of a company that can make a prosthetic ear for me but as soon as I saw the words “surgery” and “skull,” I said no fucking way. Not in the name of looks and not this late in life. She said I would need surgery to place the posts, which are metal screws that are drilled into the skull so that the prosthesis has something to attach to.

No. Fucking. Way.

I dreamed that Andy moved into a house with his new BF (he doesn’t do relationships, though, and prefers living alone), and then my brother was alive again and I asked him if he’d like to join me on some B&E adventures, LOL.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2015 Went to the lab this morning, which had to take forever since I was fasting. If I’d just eaten and wasn’t so hungry I’d have been in and out in a flash. I just hope my cholesterol isn’t too high! I’m not sure what to guess as far as what the results on that may be, but I doubt my adrenal gland is messed up. It better not be! Now that I’ve fully recovered from my latest T4 storm, I don’t need any more problems for a very long time to come.

It is sooo wonderful to be back to myself! I was literally in tears of joy and relief yesterday when I realized I’d gone days with everything back to normal. There is nothing worse than the same medication that normally makes you feel better taking your pulse and emotions to insane levels at higher doses. But I survived! I’m pissed that I had to suffer, but sometimes they have to make you worse to make you better, and now we know my appropriate dose. Hopefully, I will never again be faced with such horrible heart-pounding anxiety and have these irrational fears of being alone and then end up horribly frustrated and depressed cuz of it.

Pretty sure at this point that the lung tightness was connected to it, but not sure about the IF diet. Not gonna try it again, though. As some have pointed out, thyroid diseases mess with the metabolism and so does extreme dieting. Besides, I don’t want to put myself out just to be someone I’m not meant to be and I’m not meant to be thin in my later years. As long as I’m healthy, the extra 20-30 pounds won’t kill me. I will just keep active and try to eat reasonable amounts of healthy food most days. If I ever do decide to “diet” again in the future I’ll probably aim for the calorie amount that would maintain my ideal weight for this age, which is what most experts recommend these days. That would be about 1400 calories. Not ready to commit to that, though, as I do like my weekend treats. I mean, I could have treats on the diet; I just couldn’t have an unlimited calorie amount. Regardless… for now I just want to focus on being healthy without any drama.

I’m glad I didn’t get the wine coolers after all, since drinking 200-calorie beverages that aren’t healthy isn’t a great idea. But now that the anxiety’s backed off, there’s no need for them.

Going to get flu shots later on, then we’ll browse Goodwill till my ear appointment.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2015 So glad that France’s fighting back against the Muzziefuckers that terrorized them, and no, I don’t give a shit who might take offense to these words. If you don’t like it, then get out of here rather than complain because I don’t want to hear it and it won’t change anything. :)

Seriously, what did those sickos expect? When you attack someone (excluding self-defense) how can you not expect a reaction of some kind? While I agree that two wrongs don’t always make a right, sometimes you really do need to fight back otherwise you’re sending the wrong message… one saying you’ll just sit back and take their shit.

I felt good all weekend, but I am not quite ready to allow myself a little bit of hope that I really am over the worst of it. It’s looking good so far, but that’s what I’ve thought numerous times before. From a physiological standpoint, yes, my T4 should now be at a safe and comfortable level that won’t affect my emotions in such a crazy way.

Next is hoping that after I go to the lab on Tuesday for a cholesterol and adrenal gland test there will be no issues there. My cholesterol is likely high even with my thyroid under control because it’s hereditary. However, I’m going to put off going back on statins for now. It won’t be a dire life-threatening emergency if my cholesterol is a little high, and it can wait. It’s just that I’ve had enough medication bullshit for a while.

On Tuesday I will also be seeing my ear doctor and we will both get flu shots.

We still don’t have set travel plans because Tom lost his passport and he isn’t sure what he needs to do to get a new one. We don’t think it will be an issue, but no matter what happens we can still see my sister. She is in the country, after all.

Deciding that the old garbage disposal had seized up enough, we ordered one on Amazon, and we went ahead and got new folding bikes as well. We decided not to go with Schwinn and instead, we got a couple of Stowabikes for $130 each. We spent a lot of time researching and they seem just as good while still being a brand name so it’s easy to get parts as we need them. The only unfortunate thing is that there was no color selection. They only come in white.

We also got a new camera for the trip. I’ll still take my camera but this is like a dash cam kind of camera where you could clip it to a bike and it will record things you ride by. I definitely want to do that sometime, plus I’ll take a home video for my sister. I’ll send it to her in chat since it will be for HER and not all my friends on Facebook as well as hers.

We also stocked up on batteries and we got new lights for the bikes. I’m going over the order now and it looks like I forgot to get the massaging hairbrush I wanted, but I am getting a new straightening hairbrush. My hair is dye-fried anyway, so why not kill it some more?

I also got 8 more miniature Schleich animals, and we are thinking of building a display case with the 3-D printer since I will now have 42 pieces. All we will have to do is add hinges and a Plexiglas door.

I got a panda, a trio of kittens playing, a white-tailed buck, a grizzly bear, and the rest are dogs. They include a golden retriever, a basset hound, a Britton spaniel and a Weimaraner.

Anyway, it was rainy and quiet yesterday. Today I’m sure will be noisy as hell with all the leaves that have been scattered about that they’ll want to suck up.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2015 Yesterday was a great day. I felt wonderful and it was both a productive and relaxing day for us. The only unfortunate thing was knowing that it was only temporary. If the anxiety doesn’t return today then it certainly will by tomorrow, especially since I’ll be alone.

I’m baking chicken legs sprinkled with garlic powder and paprika and soon the rats and I will be feasting on that. Tom is still asleep.

Old Navy keeps calling, but this time I listened to their automated message and the name was definitely not mine, so that’s good. Someone suggested blocking their number, but when I looked up how to block numbers on an Android, it only sends it to voicemail. If you’re still going to get a message anyway, then what’s the point? I don’t usually hear my phone when it rings, and when it does, well, I like my ringtone.

Tom got an LED light that’s about 2 feet long from work. He then printed a stand for it on the 3-D printer and hooked it up to the battery you attached jumper cables to. This is a great way if we ever need emergency lighting.

We also took popsicle sticks and glued them vertically to the bottoms of the 3-D pencil holders with Gorilla glue because I kept knocking them over. This will give them more stability.

On the way back from Walmart we notice that someone trimmed our bush for us in the back corner, and we’re guessing it was Bob. You know how he is… always outside, always gotta be doing something, LOL. If we could just get a little more rain it would make trimming things a lot easier. I guess things need to fill out a little more, according to Tom.

Now that we know people will help themselves to things like bikes, we joke about leaving our old bikes that we got up in Oregon and other things unlocked for anyone to take off our hands so we have less to have to dump.

I looked at a bike yesterday that was suitable for me for just 80 bucks. But then Tom and I researched Schwinn folding bikes and decided we should each get one of those, even though they would be about $250. This way they would be safe inside the house (we’d keep them in the laundry room), and they wouldn’t get weathered. I could decorate them all I wanted with snazzy stickers, LOL, since the bikes would probably be a solid neutral color. It would also be easier to take them to bike trails for variety instead of always just riding around the park. The cool thing is that we can both get 20” wheels. The thing is that the seat has a much wider range of height levels than regular bikes do. You can ride them at 4.5 feet to over 6 feet. At 4’11” and 5’10” this is nice to know.

The decorative switch plate for the laundry room and my Goddesses coloring book arrived yesterday. Unfortunately, the book is two-sided without perforated pages and the paper is very thin, but I otherwise like it. It would be ideal to take on the plane.

My miniature skunk came as well, and I looked up the company that makes them on Pinterest. Sure enough, I could find most of mine and am pinning them to a board that includes the ones I currently have since they are better photographers than I am.

Didn’t realize my brother’s last wife no longer thought too highly of him in the end, but I’m not surprised. The guy may have had a sense of humor, but he was otherwise a real asshole. Just an insensitive, hypocritical jerk. I’m glad he and Tammy got to have a good talk before he died, but that does nothing to change my overall opinion of the whore who not only shit on me a few times but left a wonderful wife all in the name of lust.

But he didn’t leave Sandy for another woman, he left her for a child. Just for the hell of it, I looked up that child-turned-young-woman, Stefanie, on Pinterest and asked her if she thought Larry would have dumped her by now. My guess is yes since she’s getting “older.”

She hit back with something to the effect of me not having anything better to do, and this was when I let her know I really didn’t have anything against her and that in a sense she was a victim as well.

She told me that Larry left her with his son to care for and that he didn’t give a shit to leave him anything to remember him by. While I’ll admit that my brother was out of my life, for the most part, He seemed to live for 5 things only… cigarettes, pot, booze, sex and trucking. No wonder the poor bastard died of liver cancer before he even hit 60.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2015 So the Muzzies’ latest attack is on Paris, and as usual, politically correct America MUST make excuses for them and insist they’re “good” people, just like they make excuse after excuse for the blacks. And why wouldn’t they? People are obsessed with victim-blaming after all, and making excuses for the perps, or else so many rape victims wouldn’t have to hear that they were somehow asking for it.

But people will be people which means they’ll go on embracing the Muzzies, the blacks, and believing there’s this great God sitting up in the sky that loves us all. Hell, I’m waiting for the day we’re all expected to praise and protect child molesters for the sake of “political correctness.”

Really, I don’t understand how we can watch Muslims and blacks do what they do and then get all hot and bothered about it if someone dares to express their highly unpopular opinion against them. Well, folks, you can’t have it both ways. You’re either for or against these violent groups!

Did I ever tell you how much I hate politics?

I experienced some anxiety after Tom left yesterday and had to take a Lorazepam. The rest of the day I was depressed and drowsy. I now realize that for whatever reason, I’m never going to get better and so I just have to accept that this is who I am now. I’ll have some good days mixed in, but the old Jodi is gone forever.

A follower/friend suggested it could be the disease itself and not my medication. Well, I know that this is one of the diseases listed that can trigger our fight-or-flight hormones, but why now? Why now that I’m on a medication that’s supposed to mask the damn symptoms? And why didn’t I experience this before I was diagnosed? I doubt it’s all the medication, though. I mean what happened when we tried to get me to tolerate the 88s clearly was, but now it could be a mix of things, including menopause, so she’s got a point. My body has proven for 5-6 months it can handle 75s and that’s where my body’s at right now.

sighs If it wasn’t this it’d just be something else. I’m destined to be going through something or another be it legal battles, poverty, or what I’m going through now. When things are at their worst I almost miss being stuck in that dumpy old trailer with no money. Really, if someone could have told me on July 10th, 2013, “Walk out of here now and this is what will happen,” I’d still be there. We just wouldn’t be poor anymore. That all ended in 2012. Hmm… maybe if we end up in the poorhouse again my health will improve? Or better yet my sanity?

All I know is that this is the new me, it’s not going away, and I have to figure out what to do about it to make it more livable. Have some wine when I start feeling anxious? Its effects would at least not be as long-lasting as the lorazepam which would be helpful when I’m busy or trying to stay up longer to push my schedule around.

Should I ask the shrink for the strongest trank she’s got?

Should I end it all after our vacation?

Or should I just let myself suffer and accept that for reasons I’ll probably never understand, it was simply meant to be this way?

I think I’ll start with getting something like a 4-pack of wine coolers. Don’t worry. I won’t abuse it and become an alkie. It’s just for when the anxiety really bites and I’m all alone. I’ll probably feel fine over the weekend… until he returns to work Monday.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2015 I don’t fucking believe it. My bike was stolen. A gated retirement community is the last place I would’ve ever thought anyone would steal a bike from, but sometime during the day, my bike was stolen. His wasn’t because it was chained to the carport post. We left mine unchained, but its wheel was always wedged into the chain so that they both appeared to be locked up. What did the thief do, walk into the carport, and actually inspect the place?

I see people leave shit around here all the time. Bob never locks his bike, but my bike really did stand out. His is just a dull gray bike, but mine was bright and colorful.

As always, God made sure I didn’t see them in action for I’d have beaten the living shit out of them in a heartbeat, even over a $99 bike that can be replaced easily enough with something better. The bike wouldn’t have been the main point of the beatdown. Sending a message for what may happen if they tried again with our shit or something else’s would have been the point. But no, God must always protect Jodi’s perps, and let me guess… instead of karma biting them on the ass for it, they’ll win the lottery or something. Maybe a trip to Maui, right? Something good will happen to them, I’m sure.

I highly doubt it was anyone who lives here. It was probably one of the landscapers, a caretaker, or someone visiting who thought their daughter would just love it.

Wonder if they might try breaking into the house next, thinking no one’s here during the daytime when I’m asleep and unable to do something about it. With our one car gone every day, you’d never know I was home unless you saw me sitting outside, and God would make sure I was in the shower or asleep and caught off guard. Really, I’m just as pissed at Him as I am the thief. But someday someone’s gonna screw me over that not even He can protect, though I’d rather not get screwed in the first place. I always knew it was a matter of time, though, before some perp slipped through the so-called protection crack.

Well, when I’m on days I’ll make sure I’m fully dressed right down to my sneakers, blinds wide open, etc. Do come back tomorrow Mr. Bike Thief. :) I’m ready for you this time, though I don’t know what else you might want to try to get your paws on. Damn, I wish I’d caught you in action! But since I didn’t, I hope whomever you stole that bike for gets in a bad accident, I really do. Then after you’ve had a little time to grieve and wonder if the “new” bike was really worth it after all, I hope you get hit by a car. :)

Meanwhile, we’re now locking the storeroom, and I think we should start locking the car doors, too. Luxury cars are kind of common in this park, but it’s a Cadillac for God’s sake. It should be locked.

On the bright side, I do prefer handle breaks instead of pedal breaks, and this bike was still a bit high for me. I’d prefer a 20” wheel instead of a 24”. Cruisers just aren’t good for such hilly terrains either.

No problem with my meds yesterday, but I worry about today because the torture from that has been an on-and-off thing. Besides, leave it to God to torture a person who tries to be a good person and do the right thing, while my bike thief is probably in great health. Probably doesn’t even need medication.

Then again, God is just a theory and not a proven fact. There’s just as much chance one doesn’t exist, as there is that one does exist.

Been skipping the caffeine for now, since it helps keep me calmer. I felt fine till I had a cup late in my day yesterday, and then I felt slightly wound up for a while. So no more caffeine. Now it’s decaf or tea.

Old Navy keeps calling. Obviously, someone who owes money to them gave a fake number and it just had to be mine, of course. Really, really hope whoever gave out my number doesn’t also happen to know my name. If that were true then it has to be someone I’ve known recently. I never shop at Old Navy, so if someone’s been trying to get credit in my name, I have no idea who it could be, but more than likely my name isn’t involved. Just my number.

Had a hilariously interesting dream last night where we went to a pet store. Only the pet store had a few 15” humans for sale, too. There were two young males and a young female, all in their early 20s or so. As small as they were, they could live as long as your average full-sized human. They all had a full wardrobe, mini furniture, hygienic items, gadgets, and even a “toilet.”

I loved the idea of a “human doll” as a pet that I could chat with any time I wanted to chat when Tom wasn’t home, assuming they weren’t asleep or busy reading a miniature book or something. I wondered if we should take them all or just the girl or just a guy. I hated to take just one and have them lonely for another miniature being, but didn’t want them breeding either if I took one of each sex. Feeling like it’d be mean of me to take the guys and abandon the girl, I asked the girl, who could sit on her hair, if she’d be willing to cut it to her upper back to make it easier for me to wash, dry and comb it for her, and she agreed. I assured her she didn’t have to cut it if she really didn’t want to, though, since it was her hair after all.

I told her we had a huge living room and could make her her own private room in a corner of it, but was she sure she wanted to come with us since all she’d do is just hang around, never to have a career or seeing anyone her “size” ever again?

She said it was fine with her because it was either sitting around there or in someone’s home. So I chose the girl and wondered how she handled periods. I guessed she had mini-female supplies.

“What do we do if you’re in pain?” I asked, knowing I couldn’t give her ibuprofen that’d be like a golf ball to regular people, and well, it was just an overall funny dream.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2015 Yesterday I was mostly anxiety-free, and I hope that now that I have taken my medication I will continue to be anxiety-free. I skipped yesterday to take the edge off and hopefully, I will stop the up-and-down roller coaster I have been on, go back to my old self, and stay that way. Still skipping the caffeine, though. I don’t want to do too much too soon.

It’s gotten rather wintry out. We almost froze last night.

Started taking pictures of my colorings and creating boards of them on Pinterest.

I dreamed I moved back to MA and Kim C was in town visiting after moving to Nevada. We had such a good time and I asked, “Any chance of you moving back here?”

She said no and that she loved living in Nevada. Truth is that she’d never leave MA and I’d never return to it.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2015 We went out for a bite to eat last night as well as to Walgreens. I got some really nice nail polish. It’s a bold, shimmering shade of violet.

I also dreamed that I won $350 worth of flooring, only I was living with my dead parents.

Speaking of my parents, the answer to something I’ve always wondered hit me the other day, and I can’t believe it took decades to do it. Really, the answer was so damn obvious all along.

For years I wondered if I was taken away from my parents in my teens or if they gave me up on their own. Of course they gave me up on their own. I’m not surprised, though it was more likely her idea and he went along with it… as always. She hated kids and with me being so much younger than Larry and Tammy, she just couldn’t wait for me to hurry up and get old enough to get out of the house. In those days you were pressured to have kids, unlike today where you’re often pressured to skip kids and work, work, work.

I’m also not surprised because hey, this was the '80s. Even if I’d shown up to school plastered with bruises, the odds of me being taken away were slim. It was (and still kind of is) very hard to get a kid removed from their parents.

It was what she did that final morning at home that answered my question. Again, I just don’t know why it took me so long to put two and two together. Perhaps it’s cuz no one wants to believe their own mother gave up on them. Oh, but mine sure did, and if there’s an afterlife in which she could possibly look down on me, I wonder how she feels about it being published online for all the world to see. looks upwards Yeah, you didn’t think of that, bitch, did you?

It was spring of ’82, just a few months after my 5-month “sentence” in the Brattleboro Retreat up in Vermont. It wasn’t really a “retreat,” of course. They just called it that. But what it really was was a psych hospital run like a prison.

During the months between December and April, I never returned to public schools. I attended an alternative high school in Springfield. It was a small building and there weren’t many of us. Maybe about 15-20 students. A guy that most of us got high with every morning, picked us Longmeadow kids up in a van and drove us to the school. I liked this little school. We had tons of freedom there. Not many kids, then or now, could get high with their drivers, take breaks at the school whenever they felt like it, and openly smoke cigarettes as well.

I overslept one April morning and my mother woke me up in a panic, saying my ride was waiting. She rushed me into the bathroom, into my clothes, and out the door. I don’t think I even ate that morning. I was utterly exhausted, too.

Looking back on it now… why was it so important she make the driver wait like that so I could go to school that day? Normally, wouldn’t one’s mother tell the driver, “Hey, she’s still asleep. I won’t make you and the other students rudely wait for her. I’ll get her up and bring her in myself later, or we’ll skip today altogether.”

But she knew I wasn’t coming back. She’d had her fill with being my mother on a full-time basis and she knew that was my last day living there as a minor. That contact she said we weren’t “allowed” in the beginning; that was her idea, no doubt.

Knowing the answer can’t change history, of course, but it’s answered my question and settled my curiosity… as well as reinforced my hatred for the bitch, for some of the places I ended up were far worse than living with the tyrant from hell. Far worse.

As I said before, I don’t know if there’s a God or an afterlife, but if there is, Mommy Dearest, I hope you’re rotting in hell, you bitch, and that the God who protected you when you were alive is making you pay tenfold!

Later…

I thought I was getting better but instead, I got worse. Over the weekend I was borderline anxious, but as soon as he left to go to work yesterday morning I was in for 4 hours of hell. My heart raced up a storm and I was terrified that I was going to have the kind of attack I had on the 29th, even though that attack was clearly due to the dosage increase. I thought I would get better since it’s been decreased, but I am still having anxious moments where I feel like I will never be the person I was before these days began. I miss the days of having absolutely no clue of just what the true meaning of the word “anxiety” meant. It’s like she “broke” something within me when she tried to get me to tolerate 88s, even though I know she didn’t. Still… I’m wondering if I can ever be put back to the way I was for the most part from May to October. Why am I just so destined to suffer so much of the time lately? Again I ask myself, what the fuck did I do to deserve it? I feel like I have suffered more in the last year and a half than I have in the last decade. Maybe more.

It got to where Skype wasn’t enough and I had to actually call Tom. Hearing his voice helped calm me down. Had someone told me a couple of years ago that I would be afraid to be alone as an adult I would have laughed my ass off. I just never would have believed it in a million years unless I was alone in the flimsy trailer with a million grizzlies trying to break in or something. What will I be terrified of next? Will I become afraid of the dark?

I skipped my pills today hoping it would take some of the edge off the anxiety since there’s a chance I could still be having lingering effects of the increase. I still worry about how I’m going to feel when he leaves the house in a few hours. I try to remind myself it’s not life-threatening and that nothing is going to kill me, but it’s still terrifying. Like smoking a joint and trying to tell yourself not to feel high, or burning yourself with a cigarette lighter and telling yourself not to feel pain. There’s nothing to be afraid of, BUT I AM. I am still honestly terrified nonetheless, and I don’t understand how Tom can believe I’m getting better little by little. Yesterday sure felt like a setback to me, though he said it was just because it was too soon for me to be left alone after what happened on the 29th, and he also believes I’m worried about my adrenal gland test.

We all have our fears, be it heights, spiders, flying, or driving, and some of these fears we can conquer while some of them we just can’t. But I once lived without this kind of terrifying anxiety and I would like to think that I can live that way again, even though things do change with time. Our appetites go up and so does our weight with age. Our hair turns gray and our vision gets worse. Well, I guess I have just become a very anxious person and if none of that is connected to my medication at this point, then there’s either something else going on or I truly have developed a horrible anxiety disorder that I’m going to have to struggle with for the rest of my life. I read that while most anxiety disorders develop young, medical conditions can cause them to develop later on in life, hypothyroidism being one of them. As I told a friend recently, I really hope there is no God, for it is sitting back and allowing me to continue to suffer without doing a damn thing to intervene.

I did have a dream that someone told me there was something wrong with my bladder. I needed a blood test done for something, and in the dream, they could produce instant results. I don’t know exactly what was wrong with it, and while death didn’t seem imminent, it seemed that whatever was wrong was serious enough. In reality, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my bladder, although I do pee more than I’d like. But could there be anything wrong with any other organ? I don’t think so and I sure hope not! Something’s going to kill me someday, and I don’t see it in the near future. Not unless the anxiety becomes too much for me to live with and I just can’t get it to back off. I still see my PCP and the shrink in about a month, so maybe it’s time to ask for something a little stronger and a little more permanent instead of something I take on an as-needed basis. It’s just that I’m afraid of a bad reaction given my shit luck with medication. Tom doesn’t think I’ll need it by then, so we’ll see who’s right.

I worry about our vacation too, though I am less likely to feel anxious when I’m around others and I know they’re not going to be taking off for work in a few hours.

Bailing out of NaNoWriMo with 15,282 words. I just can’t get into story writing/reading these days. My interests fluctuate at times. These days it’s coloring, TV shows and Pinterest. But I did write two stories, one about 8K words and the other 7K.

I also had a dream that my mother brought me to a shrink, only the one doing the psych eval was Jenny Seagrove, LOL. I realized I’d forgotten my glasses and thought it a shame that Jenny had to be all blurry.

In another dream, Tammy was telling me it was 37° at her place yet it felt like 15°. We’re going to drop into the upper 30s tonight. Really wish I could be in Maui!

Then I had some dream where I realized that in less than a year we would be getting a new washer and dryer, and also that we would only live in this house for another 7-8 years instead of 12.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2015 It must’ve rained while I slept because the roads are wet. Anyway, I’m still sleeping better, but I had a disappointing 3 hours late last night. My heart was a bit racy and that depressed me, as I once again feared that having a good day yesterday could’ve just been a fluke. My anxiety began on the 13th of last month, and after scanning my journal I found I had 3 or 4 anxiety-free days in between. I went “what-iffing” again. What if I’m forever bad most days of the week? But Tom assured me I was just having residual effects from the extra medication, and my PMS was compounding my emotions. It’s true that something that bums us out does so even more when we’re PMSing, and something that pisses us off REALLY pisses us off when we’re PMSing as well.

It did take time to fully recover after the first showdown with the 75s, so hopefully – hopefully – I’ll be back to my old self 24/7 every day (unless something bad happens in my life or someone I’m close to to give me a reason not to be) soon enough.

Not convinced anymore the lung tightness I had was something in the air. At first I thought maybe it was because others, including Tom, were complaining about that, but I think it was connected to the meds. That degree of tightness just hasn’t been normal for me since leaving Arizona in 2004. Also, I had the same thing right before the first T4 storm.

Tom read an interesting sleep article that he told me about. For years they believed light and dark were what set sleep/wake patterns. When it turned out a blind person had my type of sleep disorder they soon diagnosed the non-24 sleep/wake cycle thing and all that, plus they wondered about those up in parts of Alaska where it stays dark half the year. Recently they’ve established it’s all about temperatures rising and falling by day/night until technology came and messed all that up. Millions of years ago people just didn’t have climate-controlled dwellings.

Last night I dreamed I realized I’d eaten too soon after taking my meds while at a semi-crowded pool. Tom walked up to the pool, took his clothes off, and jumped in with the bathing suit he wore underneath. Then I too, pulled my clothes off and jumped in the pool, only I realized I’d forgotten to put my suit on underneath and was totally naked. I wondered how I would get out of the pool unseen, assuming no one around me had noticed yet.

Next, I dreamed of being stranded in these super dark woods. Actually, the others in the car I was riding in dumped me there as some kind of sick joke. It was so dark and no moon or stars were visible. I tried my best to walk down the road they drove away on, but the darkness made it hard to see where I was going.

Then I smelled cigarette smoke and thought someone was close by until I glanced to the side and saw houses dotting a steep hillside and realized it was probably coming from there.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2015 And my period is late again. Gee, what a surprise. I am retaining a little water, though.

The best news is that the T4 storm is over! I had a great day and night yesterday. I even stopped going from warm to cold so much. When you’re in some kind of crisis again there’s always that slight fear that this time around you won’t quite make it back to where you should be, but I did. Last night I was thinking how that basket case from barely 24 hours ago seemed like a whole different person. It’s amazing how the same drug that can make you better can turn you into a basket case as well, at the wrong doses. The anxiety, depression, and racing heart were horrible. Just horrible.

But how long will it be before I have to suffer AGAIN in some way or another?

I'm going to end up doing a total of 7 stories for this year's NaNoWriMo. Each story will be about 8K words. I'm calling it the Gemstone Series. One lead character in each of the series will have a gemstone name… Diamond, Pearl, Jade, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald and Mica.

Last night I dreamed we’d been in Jesse’s trailer for 5 years like we had in real life, but then we just moved into a bigger house of his that was a little newer. I’m glad we did a lot better than that by getting our own place that’s a lot newer, even if the daytime noise gets to me at times. Tom said someone was working with some kind of chemicals today and could smell it when he was out earlier.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2015 I was finally able to sleep without my heart racing me awake. I still went from warm to cold and I still woke up a million times, but my heart didn’t take off on a mad dash. I even dreamed in German again too, though I don’t remember what I said. The only dream I vaguely remember was rocking a little boy in a rocking chair that I was babysitting for.

The last half of my day yesterday, however, was a whole different story. My emotions were all over the place. First I was wound up, and then I was depressed as I worried about possibly never getting better and all that and what the future may hold. This was very discouraging. I don’t know how much of it could be the lingering effects of the dosage increase, PMS, menopause setting in, Etc. I just know I don’t usually go feeling like a knock-up like I did last night.

I was a little concerned when I woke up to find a voice message from the park, but it was only to let me know that they screwed up the calendar. This wasn’t recycle week, it was green waste week.

Still not sure if I’m going to continue on with NaNoWriMo because I have a lot of other stuff going on and I’m not able to focus well until my health gets better. Sleeping better is a good sign, but what shit may I be in for as the day progresses and then eventually becomes the evening?

Later…

Just thought I'd do a private entry to bitch about Aly. She's still a fantastic friend and probably one of my best friends at the moment, even though we never met. But her clinginess still gets to me at times. I understand that having clinical depression is a horrible thing and that she’s bummed out that Leon went silent on her, but she seems to think I'm brushing her off when I really have other things to do at times. I'm there for her as much as I can be, but like I explained to her, I can't be there for her 24/7 just like I can’t expect anybody to be there for me 24/7.

As I told her, I can tell her the facts (that I really do care and support her), but I can't make her believe me. I just hate the way she makes me feel guilty, even though I know she's not intentionally trying to make me feel that way, and I hate that I let her make me feel that way at times.

I just wish she wouldn't go Molly on me, and reminded her how much she used to drive her crazy by expecting her to drop everything and be available for her every second she wanted her to be. I have a husband I love to spend time with, I have pets to feed, I have a book to write, I have a house to clean, I have laundry to wash, and I could go on and on and on. Just because I don't have a 9 to 5 outside of the house doesn't mean I sit on my ass staring up at the cathedral ceiling. She needs to understand that it isn't that I don't care. I just can't spend each and every day texting back and forth with her nearly every single minute of the day, just like my sister can't reply to every single message I send her. She's in poor health, she's not a fan of writing like I am, and so she doesn't usually send messages. But that doesn't mean she doesn't read mine and it doesn't mean she doesn't care. She reads what I have to say, she cares, and she's there for me in any way she can be. Why can’t Aly get the same thing? This is a highly intelligent person. Like smarter than most of the population will ever be.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2015 I slept terribly last night. I woke up a million times, 3 in which my heart raced me awake, and I’m trying not to think along the lines of “what if.” What if I never get better? What if the month I spent on 88s has permanently screwed me up? Is that even possible? I have suffered more during the last year and a half than probably all of my life combined. How and why has my health taken such an incredible hit? When will I ever get back to myself for good? Will this ever even happen? I never would have guessed in my wildest dreams that I would go from poverty to unhealthy, but if I can just get my medication regulated again, then I shouldn’t be unhealthy. I guess I am just recovering from the effects of the 88s. I sure hope that’s all it is, but as Tom reminded me, menopause and me just worrying about it could also be factors.

The only thing that was different with this morning was that my heart didn’t beat as fast and hard or for as long. I didn’t have to get up and take anything for it. Right before one of the times it raced, I felt this weird feeling in my head. I just worry I’m never going to be normal again, and that if I am, it won’t last long. I have, however, felt fine since I’ve been up and I did well last night, too.

I don’t remember her name but in a makeup article I stumbled across written by a model in her 60s, she not only provided some very helpful sensible tips, but she’s a reminder that not every older woman with gray hair looks like shit. I agree that less is more when we get older. If I were to wear my make-up like I did in my 20s I would look like a total clown. She said that lipstick should match the inner lip or the gum, a little mascara is okay, don’t try to get your eyebrows to look like they did in their 20s, and use liquid foundation instead of powder because powder adds texture where texture has already built up. She also said that this might be hard, but skip the eyeshadow. That one’s definitely hard. I can do everything else, but I love my sparkly eyeshadow.

I had a dream I was walking through a very big apartment building that seemed more like a hotel. Christmas music was playing from speakers in the hallway ceiling. I approached someone’s door with two other people, and then a split second later I was outdoors talking to a very attractive Austrian woman. I pointed to some other woman and said, “That woman is a real Verrukte.” That means crazy woman. Then the woman from Austria puked.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2015 My day was off to a heart-pounding start when my heart raced me awake an hour or two earlier than I wanted to get up. Had a little congestion too, but that’s cleared up, though Tom advised me to stay inside today, saying there’s something in the air making it hard for him to breathe.

I took a lorazepam as soon as I got up but I’m afraid to take my meds. I want to fast anyway so maybe I will take it later on closer to when Tom will be home in case anything bad happens. My T4 isn't there yet. It's not going to get back to where it should be for another 5 days or so. So that time I thought I slipped from hypo too hyper was really my T4 being the problem. That was the culprit all along and it seems it doesn't take much change for it to really turn us inside out and upside down emotionally and physically. As my doctor said when we first met, she needed to find the exact range that was correct for my body, as everyone is different. 1.1 is about right for me and still in the normal range.

We canceled December’s appointment since I just saw her yesterday and if all goes well I will not be seeing her until May. After we left her office we went to the Round Table for pizza where none of the tables were round but the pizza was good. The service was a little shaky but otherwise good.

Tom glued knobs on the top of our Roomba to keep it from getting stuck under the couch and the bedroom dresser, but they got knocked off, so we will go with maybe screws or something like that.

On our way home, we noticed a lot of water in the street, and sure enough, they turned the water off because there was yet another leak to have to fix. We had to play water games just last week too.

Later…

Went down for a 2.5-hour nap and that helps a little, though I am still tired. I still managed to take my meds without incident and get the cleaning done that I wanted to do today. I might bail out of NaNoWriMo, though. I’m not sure yet.

The other day I had a friend request on Facebook that seemed suspicious because the account appeared to be newly created. I ran the name and found somebody with that name in Utah and also in Arizona, but the profile picture was definitely fake. Sure enough, it was a sex account so it's a good thing I didn't accept. They probably would have plastered porn all over my wall and any of my friends that they possibly could have as well.

This is why I have made pictures of myself a little harder to get a hold of. People use random strangers’ pictures figuring that they won’t know, and while they probably won’t, THEY know. The people who are using them, I mean. I could share some pictures and some secrets that I have been asked not to share with anybody and those that asked me this would never know. But I would know and I would feel guilty. That’s not the main point. The main point is that I want to make my pictures a little less accessible because I don’t want people going around using them in the wrong kind of way. Who needs some child molester looking for child porn, for example, using my face as their profile? If one has a public account, then their pictures should be considered free-for-all. But if your account is for friends only, then that’s where your stuff should stay unless you authorize otherwise.

I've been meaning to write this but I have just been so busy with so many other things and that's that Aly really got to me a few days ago. She was clingy, demanding and making me feel guilty for not being there 24/7 because she was having a bad day. She later apologized and blamed it on PMS. As I told her yet again, I do try my best to be there for people. It isn't that I don't care. It’s just that I do have a life outside of the Internet and other things to do.

Andy also annoyed me when we were installing the toilets, asking that I take a pic of myself because his mother wanted to see what I look like now. Again with the selfishness after I told him I was very busy. Why is it that the busier I am, the more people make demands of me? Nonetheless, regardless, why does Judy even care? It’s funny though because right before he asked this I made my pictures unavailable to him on Facebook and he was asking how to find them. Well, the reason I did that is that I don't like how he goes and shares people’s pictures without their permission. His defense is that no one will know. Probably not, but that's not the point. He knows and that should be enough. It's not like I've never shared pictures myself. I have. But he seems to get a little carried away at times.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2015 I take back every worst fear and false assumption I had yesterday about what my endo would tell me during today’s visit. My endo rocks! I totally had her all wrong. I thought she was going to be all or nothing and basically tell me to either stay on 88 mcg and suffer the INHUMANE side effects or get lost. Again, these side effects weren’t annoying, they were downright terrifying. I really felt like I was going to die. What is it with me misreading people anyway? First I thought Bob was mad at me and then I thought the second to last time I saw my endo that she might not like me for some reason or was upset with me. I guess they were just having a bad day that day.

Okay, to make a long story as short as I can being that it’s been a long day for me and I’m getting tired… traffic was a bitch and she was running behind as usual, but in my mind, I was thinking that was the last time I’d be there anyway. I had Tom in the exam room with me for support because I was nervous.

Then in she came, commenting on how colorful I looked as she sat down at her desk. I then told her what I’ve experienced the last few weeks or so with most of my suffering being between the 13th - 29th and she listened with concern. Instead of being told, “Look, this only happens to you. Either suffer the side effects or see someone else,” she said, “Wow. I guess 75 is it for you then.”

I was so relieved to hear this and I even told her how much she rocks, LOL. I reminded her that while I respect and understand her concern with numbers, I am still a person after all, with real feelings, and she said she wasn’t just a number person at all, so that was a huge relief. Comparing her to my old endo is like comparing night and day. When the shit hit the fan with the old one she told me to either come in that day or not for 3 months AND to keep taking my meds the same way. Now THAT was fucked up.

See, my sister (gotta love her concern when she “came down hard on me” in a VM) was worried that lowering my dose would be dangerous, but as the doctor explained, it’s not dangerous at all. I don’t think I shared my last lab results with Tammy, but apparently, my T4 had nudged itself up a bit too much “overflowing the tank,” as the doc put it. The month or so that I was on 88 took my full tank and pretty much overflowed it. The 75s just weren’t getting the tank full fast enough, but now my tank is full on 75s and this will be my forever dose. I have no obvious hypothyroidism symptoms and haven’t for many months, and am not in any danger on 75s.

The only two things we need to check next are my cholesterol, which I told her my big sister confirmed does indeed run in the family, and she’s also going to do an adrenal gland test on me. Funny too, cuz I wondered about that, even though she doubts there’s anything wrong with it. God, I hope not!

She said that the only thing that didn’t make sense was how fast I started feeling better after reverting back to 75s. Well, it hasn’t been an instantaneous thing. The side effects have been slowly tapering off and should take two weeks to dissipate completely. That’s how long a dose increase/decrease takes to change your T4. I had a little heart racing earlier, but nothing like last Thursday. By the weekend I should be fine.

I’m just glad she didn’t have an all-or-nothing attitude and get everything screwed up for me like the old doc did. I’d have hated to have to find someone new, as much as I hate her location, and I’d feel like shit AND be in danger of a stroke, heart attack, or coma if I quit my meds altogether. Not to mention gain a million pounds, carry enough water to fill a pool, and forget my own damn name half the time.

But she went over the check-list with me and I’m not suffering fatigue, hair loss, or kind of coldness and dry skin like I had before. I’m surprised my appetite’s down, though. Usually, the more you stimulate the metabolism, the more calories you burn and the hungrier you are. My weight was down, too. I think it’s the years of exercising and naturally rapid pulse that have kept me from becoming seriously obese. I do watch the calorie intake too, whether I’m eating healthy or not.

Again, she rocks and I love and appreciate my sister for her concern and reminding me how she too, has side effects from some of her many medications, but as I assured her if the side effects had been manageable, I’d have managed them. I love spending half my time alone. So when I say I’m scared to be alone, something’s wrong. But now that my T4 will be set right again, the TSH doesn’t matter as much and should remain on the high end of normal.

Today my BIL turned 65. I hope he and Tammy both enjoyed their day today.

I have more to write about, but I’m both busy and tired, so I’ll get to it some other time. I’m just glad I can rest easy now. Hopefully, there’ll be no more health issues for a very long time to come!

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2015 I am so fucking pissed off right now! And worried. Based on the message I got from my endo this morning, she’s not going to help me by lowering my dose simply because my numbers are normal. She just doesn’t get, no matter what I say, that there really is something about the dose increase that’s fueled my anxiety, an anxiety that is NOT normal for me. There’s no way I would conjure up such severe emotional and physical symptoms all because I was worried deep down in my mind or something about the medication or anything else in life. There’s just no way. I know myself. I don’t see why she won’t let me drop to 75 at least until after vacation. I don’t want to have to worry about feeling like shit on vacation. In fact, if she insists on 88s and nothing else, then I will have to postpone my vacation unless I just quit the medication altogether. This dose just isn’t manageable. I can’t take that dose at this time. She specifically said the goal was to get me as close to normal as comfortably as possible. So let’s do it! I’m not comfortable on 88s.

I would hate to invite all the hypothyroidism symptoms back in full force by stopping altogether, but they’re not nearly as terrifying as this. Other than a little scare that barely lasted 3 minutes yesterday, I have felt MUCH better since I went back to 75 the day after my last lab. Why do doctors insist I take more than I can handle?

So since tomorrow is probably going to be the last time I’ll see her, I could probably get in to see his doctor before what I have runs out if she won’t help me, though I really don’t want to be dealing with this shit right now. But what choice will I have? She’s not going to leave me with much choice if she remains so all or nothing, and I will have to find someone who will help me and who will consider how I feel and not the fucking numbers. This is making me really lose my trust and confidence in doctors after it took so long to regain it. Will EVERY doctor insist I take more than I can handle? Do I need to just stop the medication altogether and suffer the hypothyroidism symptoms in full force? Really, I’ve had it with doctor and medication issues!

Other than this frustration, it has rained two days in a row, but it hasn’t done much to keep people quiet. That fucking contractor that works out of his garage has been hammering away on and off, but Cali really needs the rain.

I’ve got over 6K words for NaNoWriMo, and that’s it for now. And no, I don’t care if there’s an off, off, off, very off-chance the doc reads this. I know tomorrow’s it. It’s just a matter of deciding what to do after that… do I get another doc and hope three’s the charm? Or do I just wash my hands clean of docs and meds altogether?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2015 The new toilets are functioning wonderfully. No leaks or anything like that. My only complaint is that they’re a bit tall for being a shorty, so I ordered a footrest specially for toilets. I could place the flat of my feet on the floor with the old ones, but only my toes with these. Love that they take just 2 seconds to flush and 30 to fill! They hold 1.5 gallons as opposed to the ancient 5-gallon, 32-year-old toilets that were in here.

Bob and Virginia were sitting outside when I went to get the mail while he was getting longer hoses yesterday, and I told them we were switching out the old toilets. They said they were thinking of doing that, too. I’m surprised they haven’t already with all they’ve done to their place.

As for my health… I think the bad effects of the 88s are slowly tapering off. I sure hope so anyway. My heart did take off to 117 yesterday and beat a little hard, so I took a lorazepam. Today, while he was at Raley’s, it started to race a bit, but not even for 5 minutes, thank goodness. I threw myself onto the couch and made myself take deep slow breaths and it backed off. Then I had an upset stomach, so I’m not fully recovered yet, but definitely getting there. As long as I don’t have anything as terrifying as last Thursday. That was just like OMFG. I think I accidentally said in a previous entry that it happened Friday, but it was actually Thursday.

I just dread meeting with the doctor in a couple of days. Doctors are too number-obsessed. I’m afraid she won’t want to consider how I feel and what I personally feel most comfortable doing. Remaining on 75s a while longer, however, is far from life-threatening. Hell, I could quit the meds altogether and probably live for well over a decade. I’d just feel like shit in a different way. I just hope she’ll work with me cuz I don’t want to have to get someone else. I think she will, though, cuz she has so far and is a pretty understanding and caring person. I’ll soon find out for sure!

Andy was telling me the other day that once he turned 50, he thinks of how the end is closer rather than farther and that he really does have to die someday. He worries more about how he’ll die than actually dying. Me too. Will I suffer? Will Tom suffer? I worry about these things as well, and what kind, if any, afterlife may exist.

It’s raining steadily now. Ah, we need the rain. So peaceful. No one’s going to be making a racket today, though I see that damn contractor that works out of his house moving about his garage.

I’m going to go back to using dryer bars for fabric softeners rather than sheets. The sheets are a pain in the ass cuz they often get lost. Tom said he wore one to the store the other day. He felt something in his sleeve and pulled one out, LOL.

The Megalast lipstick was a bust after all. It goes on cakey and gets stuck on your teeth. I’ll stick to Maybelline’s Whisper lipsticks. I’ve got Cherry on Top on the way to me, plus the decorative switch plate for the laundry room, and a cute little meerkat figurine to add to my animal collection. Possums and skunks are next!

I dreamed of a young bald girl who’d had chemo and was dating a black guy. Then there was a 2-acre or so parcel of land where Jesse lived, and next door to him lived my maternal grandmother. I had a bedroom in each house but didn’t really “live” in either place. I woke up early in my grandmother’s house and heard her moving around in her bathroom. I then decided to use my bedroom in Jesse’s place because I wanted to sleep longer and didn’t think he’d be home. I slipped out her back door and by a long silver tank I knew to be the propane tank. Then I walked around the side of her place, cut across the front of it and then over to Jesse’s place. The grass around the house was tall, parched and stiff and I was trying to find an easier way to cut through when I woke up.

NaNoWriMo started today, so off I go to get back to work on Bringing Brynn Back!

[eldritchsurveys]

1179.

Have you ever lived in a mobile home?: >> I lived in a trailer park for a short time.

Have you ever had your bedroom in a basement?: >> When I lived at the Wayland house, yeah.

Do you think it would be cool to have a lion as a pet?: >> I would not want this at all.

What do you think about those little dogs that ride in purses and strollers?: >> I think it's cute.

How many times in the past week have you eaten fast food?: >> Zero.

In the house - shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet?: >> Slippers, usually, but also bare feet or socks on occasion.

Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets?: >> Mostly I think they're both (since I think it's good for them to get to run around semi-freely in a backyard or dog park regularly), but indoors is the best place for pets.

Do you read books for pleasure?: >> Eh. I don't think I find the act of reading to be pleasurable, exactly. I just like stories and information and that's always been an easily-accessible way to get them.

What’s your favorite piece of furniture in your house?: >> My bed. But also the goldenrod-coloured couch, because that's my favourite colour.

Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s parent?: >> I have not. Do you prefer carbonated or uncarbonated drinks?: >> Carbonated.

Favorite thing that you can see up in the sky?: >> The Sun, of course 💛

Would you like it if they sold disposable undies in a pop up box?: >> I... would have no use for this. But I imagine someone would.

French fries. Yay or Nay?: >> Yay.

Which of your friends has the most annoying sibling?: .

Wood floors or carpet?: >> I do prefer wood although it has its downsides for sure.

Would you rather eat at the table or in your room?: >> What table? I do almost everything in my room, so.

A teacher says she’s noticed you’ve looked sad, do you confide in her?: .

Friend asks you to hide drugs, booze etc for them, do you do it?: >> I fail to even imagine how this situation would ever happen to me.

Would you rather have a gooey cinnamon bun or awesome cheesy pizza?: >> That would depend on what I'm in the mood for. (At this moment, I'm not hungry, so.)

Do you like the sound of birds singing when you wake up, or is it annoying?: >> I absolutely love it.

You fill your best friend’s Xmas stocking, what do you put in it?: . You fill your worst enemy’s stocking, what do you put in it?: . You fill your OWN stocking, what do you put in it?: . If someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it?: >> Absolutely not.

What’s your ideal activity for a rainy day?: .

Favorite type of cracker: >> I like pita crackers.

Banana sandwich..yum or yuck?: >> Yuck. I hate bananas. Animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out: . Have you entered the Lays create a flavor contest?: >> I have not and I'm so glad that's not a thing anymore (or, at least, I haven't seen anything from it lately). Bagels or English Muffins?: >> Bagels.

Do you like or hate to buy new shoes?: >> Hate.

Do you keep your phone on you at all times or forget it a lot: >> It's always nearby, if not on my actual person.

Who is a family member you look forward to seeing on a holiday?: .

Are Easter baskets only for kids?: .

Do you do anything to recognize St Patrick’s Day?: >> I do not.

Do you think nutcracker figurines are creepy or cool?: >> They're neither. Sparrow and family are big into them and I just don't really get it.

Speaking of nuts, do you like them?: >> Some.

Favorite TV show as a kid: .

What do you do when you are nervous?: >> I'm not sure.

Is there a turntable and vinyl records in your house?: >> There is, in my room.

Does your family have an SUV or pick up truck?: .

Do you enjoy doing things outdoors?: >> Sure.

Do you like to daydream about sex?: >> Apparently. Which of your parents do you laugh more with?: .

Have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral?: >> I have not.

Would you like to get married one day?: >> Well, I did, at any rate.

Who mows the lawn at your house?: . Where do you keep your phone at night?: >> In my bed somewhere.

Do you feel comfortable asking your parents or grandparents for money?: .

What’s the last thing you lost?: >> I don’t recall. If you could have your own car or an apartment, which would you choose?: >> Apartment, always. Have you ever experienced buyer’s remorse over an expensive purchase?: >> I've experienced buyer's anxiety, which is just what happens when you're permanently poor and every significant purchase feels like ripping your guts out.

Last time you hid, and why: .

How do you like your eggs?: >> Depends on the dish.

After a date, do you call your friend to tell them how it went?: . Favorite Mexican food?: >> Just going to say quesadillas because Sparrow made those last night so they're fresh in my mind.

Favorite thing to eat with a spoon?: >> Everything, man. Upcoming event you are dreading?: >> Building Sparrow's PC.

Best Happy Meal toy you ever got: .

Do you make lists?: >> I do.

Do you make pro/con lists before making a decision?: >> I do not.

Do you have a favorite pen? What kind?: >> The only pens I really use nowadays are the Pentel felt-tip ones.

What’s the best meal you cook?: . Do you do more surveys during the day or night?: >> I usually take them in the day. On lunch break, do you eat or do other things?: . Smoothies? Bubble tea? Fancy coffee? None of the above?: >> Bubble tea all day. But also fancy coffee -- just not all day, you know, because of the caffeine.

Do you like romantic gestures or do they make you feel awkward?: .

Five things you need to throw out: .

Do you like the toilet paper your family uses?: . Just shampoo, or shampoo + conditioner?: >> I use shampoo. Scariest driver you’ve ridden with: .

Have you/do you plan to go to college?: >> I do not plan on attending.

Do you write in cursive: >> I love writing in cursive.

[saulweissberg]

all the usual suspects were there: his pixies poster, his tom cruise picture, his old star wars figurines. the only part that seemed out of place was micah, sitting on the floor with a sea of cassette tapes around him. saul hadn’t looked through his old tapes in decades, and from the walkman in micah’s hands, he assumed they actually still worked after thirty-odd years of disuse. his gaze traveled along that sea, catching on the artwork of his copies of surfer rosa, straight outta compton, and like a prayer—also known as the soundtrack to his senior year of high school. the music that accompanied that last summer before college, before he had to stop playing at being an adult and actually be one. back when the future was full of possibility. back when music was the only refuge from the pain of losing his father two years prior. now, decades later, he rarely listened to music at all.

sat on the floor, micah looked impossibly young and small. much like he had when he was a child, little gideon right by his side. genetically cousins, but almost like twins—like their fathers—when they were kids. sometimes, it smarted saul a little to know his own son looked practically identical to terry, but levi’s own son looked like a mirror image of him. he figured that probably made micah happy, to know his resemblance to his hated father was minimal. he figured that gideon probably resented looking so much like levi, sometimes. it felt like they were all sides of the same coin—what had terry said once, decades ago? a copy of a copy of a copy. what was a twin other than a copy, or the same soul split in half? perhaps that was true of the children of twins, too. even if they were fraternal, and their lives had gone off into different directions, saul and levi would always be the same man at heart. occasionally, he mourned that he had never given micah a sibling, but he knew that was for the best. especially with how badly he had failed micah throughout nearly thirty years. his determination not to have more children after micah had caused his second divorce, but wasn’t it really a blessing in the end? disappointing one was better than two, was it not? maybe levi could answer that, having failed gideon and eliana multiple times over.

saul and levi truly were the same man.

stepping further into the room, he let the door close softly behind him and nearly bent over from the intense wave of nostalgia. just as he could see a toddler micah on the floor, he could see himself—fourteen and bird-boned—posing in front of the dresser mirror in his new leather jacket that made him feel like he was david hasselhoff in knight rider, or reading the newest (at the time) stephen king novel on his bed late at night, pretending not to be scared even though he was all alone. he knew why his mother kept his childhood bedroom so stuck in time, she was emotionally unable to change a thing in the house since the twins’ father died, but he hated the feeling that it gave him. he hated that he couldn’t appreciate it more; the loss of his youth was a wound that never closed. saul shot micah a frown. “you better not let your bubbe hear you talk like that. this soirée is like the oscars, the emmys, and the golden globes all mixed together for her.” she was a stubborn old woman, but that was part of what made her so lovable. saul had inherited his vivaciousness from her. he wished he had passed that onto micah. “you won’t have to stay the whole night, just an hour or two.” though edna would certainly notice if he did, and heft on him a very impressive guilt trip. “what album are you listening to?”

WAS IT PRACTICAL TO GO ON A TRIP so close to him leaving blue harbor? no, but the plane tickets were free and it wasn't like this was just some random vacation. it was a family thing - his father's side of the family, to be specific. admittedly, he wasn't as close with them as he was with his maternal cousins and uncles and grandparents, with the exception of gideon, who he went to school with and was someone he considered a brother. but despite his initial trepidations, he was still welcomed back into the weissberg home with open arms, a big wet kiss on the cheek from his bubbe, and a bottle of beer from his uncle levi.

this wasn't the first time he'd been made to stay in his father's old bedroom, a time capsule fraught with various memorabilia of saul weissberg's distant youth, brimming with morbid nostalgia for somebody else's childhood, a shrine held for a boy frozen in time. a boy, now the man he called his father. he'd always been so careful to pluck out the books on the shelves and pick up the photographs on the desk and the nightstand as if the slightest misalignment would cause a ripple effect through the space-time continuum and he would cease to exist.

maybe that wasn't the worst thing in the world, though.

today, because eliana and bubbe edna had insisted that he stay out of the kitchen and gideon had lovingly warned him to fuck off while he worked on his book, micah had no choice but to retire to his room for the weekend where, out of boredom, he'd begun carefully rummaging through the box of cassette tapes under the bed with his father's old walkman that, with some fresh batteries, still miraculously worked. he was familiar with this collection, had discovered some of his favorite artists over the few summers he'd spent here. he's currently sitting on the floor, against the bed, listening to a song from inxs' seminal album kick while reading his father's old copy of a hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy when the door opens and his father pokes his head inside, like he's a stranger to the room he'd spent some of the most important years of his life in.

pulling out one earphone, he sets the book down on his lap and turns the walkman's volume wheel down a nudge. "i guess," he says at his father's question. he's wearing a plain grey t-shirt and a pair of jeans, planning to throw on a dinner jacket for the party later on. "it's not like it's a red carpet event or whatever." he shrugs. "i'll be down in a second."

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. Have you evern had your bedroom in a basement? Nope.  Do you think it would be cool to have a lion as a pet? Uh, no thank you.  What do you think about those little dogs that ride in purses and strollers? Please don’t get a dog to just be your accessory. Don’t do that if they’re uncomfortable or appear distressed at all. I hope they’re being well cared for.  How many times in the past week have you eaten fast food? Zero. I haven’t had actual food or drinks for 3 months now. 

In the house shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet? Socks.  Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets? Inside.  Do you read books for pleasure? Yes.  What's your favorite piece of furniture in your house? It used to be my full size bed, but I had to get rid of it it for a special hospital bed and it’s only a twin.  Have you ever had a crush on a friend's parent? No. Do you prefer carbonated or uncarbonated drinks? I like both.  Favorite thing that you can see up in the sky? The stars.  would you like if they sold disposable undies in a pop up box? ...no. French fries. Yay or Nay? Yay.  Which of your friends has the most annoying sibiling? -- wood floors or carpet? Wood floors.  would you rather eat at the table or in your room? We don’t have a dining room table.  A teacher says she's noticed you've looked sad, do you confide in her? That has happened, but no I didn’t confide in her.  Friend asks you to hide drugs, booze etc for them, do you do it? No. Would you rather have a gooey cinammon bun or awesome cheesy pizza? Both sound amazing right now. Do you like the sound of birds singing when you wake up, or is it annoying? It can be annoying sometimes.  You fill your best friends Xmas stocking, what do you put in it? Some B&BW stuff and some gift cards.  You fill your worst enemies stocking, what do you put in it? I don’t have any enemies, but if I did why would I be getting them anything? You fill your OWN stocking, what do you put in ti? Perhaps some of the enamel pins and accessories I want and B&BW stuff.  If someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it? No, I would find them a home.  What's your ideal activity for a rainy day? I don’t do anything different, but I do love rainy days.  favorite type of cracker Cheez-Its and Nips.  Banana sandwich..yuk or yuck? Yum. animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out? There isn’t one.  Have you entered the Lays create a flavor contest? No. Bagels or English Muffins? I like both.  Do you like or hate to buy new shoes? It’s nice getting a new pair of shoes.  Do you keep your phone on you at all times or forget it a lot? I always have it.  Who is a family member you look forward to seeing on a holiday? We haven’t had our big holiday get togethers, it’s just been my parents, brother, and I for the holidays the past several years.  Are Easter baskets only for kids? Pfft, no. My mom still gets my brother and I, who are adults, a basket and I love it.  Do you do anything to recognize St Patrick's Day? My mom makes corned beef and cabbage, but that’s really it.  Do you think nutcracker figurines are creepy or cool? I like them.  Speaking of nuts, do you like them? I like peanuts, cashews, pistachios, and seasoned almonds.  Favorite TV show as a kid? I loved Barney when I was really little. I also liked various shows and cartoons on Disney, Nickelodeon, PBS, Kids WB, FOX Kids.  What do you do when you are nervous? I fidget and squirm, mess with my nails, bite and pick at my lips, mess with my hair, twiddle around with my hands. Is there a turntable and vinyl records in your house? Yes. Does your family have an SUV or pick up truck? Nope.  Do you enjoy doing things outdoors? The only outdoorsy thing I like is going to the beach. Which of your parents do you laugh more with? My mom. Have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral? Yes.  Would you like to get married one day? I honestly don’t ever see that happening.  Who mows the lawn at your house? My dad.  Where do you keep your phone at night? On my bed.  Do you feel comfortable asking your parents or grandparents for money? My parents, yes.  What's the last thing you lost? My mind... If you could have your own car or an apt which would you choose? I don’t drive, so I don’t have a need for a car. I also don’t want to live on my own. I can’t right now anyway even if I did.  Have you ever experienced buyer's remorse over an expensive purchase? Yes.  how do you like your eggs? Just about every way.  after a date do you call your friend to tell them how it went? I just talked about it the next time we hung out.  Favorite Mexican food? Burritos.  favorite thing to eat with a spoon? Ice cream.  upcoming event you are dreading? This swallow test I have to do. I want to do it because it’ll determine if and what I can eat and drink, but I’m dreading the procedure itself. I have to drink a lot of this nasty stuff.  Best Happy Meal toy you ever got? Beanie babies were awesome.  Do you make lists? Yeah, quite often.  Do you make pro/con lists before making a decision? Sometimes.  Do you have a favorite pen? What kind? In general I like black ink gel pens.  What's the best meal you cook? Ramen is the only thing I cook.  Do you do more surveys during the day or night? At night.  on lunch break do you eat or do other things? I ate during lunch breaks.  Smoothies? Bubble tea? Fancy coffe? none of the above? I like all 3.  do you like romantic gestures or do they make you feel awkward? Both.  Five things you need to throw out? *shrug* do you like the toilet paper your family uses? Yeah.  Just shampoo, or shampoo + conditioner? Just shampoo.  scariest driver you've ridden with? My dad gets a little road rage-y. 

have you, do you plan to go to college? I went and graduated with my BA in psych.  do you write in cursive? Only when writing my signature. 

[themonotonysyndrome]

Emerald Onlooker

Part 2 of the Successors to the Future is here! I, uh, didn’t expect a lot of people liking it, but since I’m still pretty excited about this AU, I want to write as much as I can. 

Thank you again @tri3tri for inspiring us with your Second Wive AU and many, many wonderful Yandere!Malleus content. A little summary about this AU: Yandere!Malleus married and took MC against her will. He turns her into a Queen and they had 2 daughters. However, Yandere!Malleus is pushed to take on a second wife (a Fae woman, Gekkon) to give him a son, a male heir. During the wedding ceremony, MC took the opportunity and escape to NRC with her daughters in tow and Crowley finally did them a solid and send the three of them to MC’s world.

Successors to the Future, summary: Without a court of condescending Faes and Malleus’ oppressive affection, MC and her daughters live happily in the other world. When she left Twisted Wonderland, MC didn’t realise that she was pregnant and thus, she gave birth to a son who grew up as carefree as a bird and just as kind. However, now that her eldest daughter had just turned sixteen and discover her Unique Magic, she was returned to Twisted Wonderland as a first-year student in Diasomnia. Since it’s only a matter of time before Malleus and his court discover her presence at NRC, MC and her children did their best to prepare her for that inevitable day. 

This oneshot is a continuation of that. 

FD/N = First daughter’s name/Renata Draconia (half-human, half dark Fae Princess. Malleus & MC’s eldest child)

SD/N = Second daughter’s name/Sherrie or Cherry Draconia (half-human, half-dark Fae Princess. Malleus & MC’s middle child)

S/S = Son’s name/Lucien Draconia (half-human, half-dark Fae Prince and the heir to the throne. Malleus & MC’s youngest child). 

MC/S = MC’s surname

-

Sherrie enjoy going about her daily lives on her lowest brain capacity most of the time. There’s nothing like just... switching off your brain and ignore all the boring things around you.  

The only thing that gets the gears and cogs in her brain spinning is when she plays video games like Portal or coming up with schemes to get her eldest sister out of trouble. 

When she jokes about only having 2 braincells and that both are constantly on holidays at the same time unless Renata did something stupid, Renata howl with laughter while Lucien just rolled his eyes at his cackling sisters. 

But now that Renata is playing student in Night Raven College, Sherrie is surprised to find herself looking forward to not only help her oldest sister dodged their father’s steps, but also pulling the proverbial rug underneath the Thorn Kingdom. 

Especially Lilia Vanrouge. 

It’s addicting. The unholy glee running within you when your cute puppets finally realised who’s been tugging on their strings all along. 

Humans are easy and oblivious enough for her to practise on. Despite how monotonous school can be, the environment was a good place for Sherrie to learn and play. Everyone has a chip on their shoulder; everyone wants to stand out among the rest. 

So it’s really not that hard to learn who’s the right person to blackmail, who’s desperate enough to do anything to make their crush look at them and how to make the key figures dance on the palm of her hands. 

This year’s prom night was certainly a memory she won’t ever forget. 

And now? Now Sherrie can’t wait to play with the so-called ‘superior’ species - their father’s ancient court and loyal retainers - once she and her sister could establish contact. 

They’ve been working hard on this little project. Everyone in her little family is. Renata is off being a good little student and let the gossips travel on its own, their little brother is doing his best to assured their mother that all would be well and Sherrie?

Sherrie is busy setting up the stage for the climax once Renata usher all the important players to where she wanted them. 

(Mama likes to call her a ‘smart cookie’, always rubbed her head affectionately and said, “You’re a brilliant girl, Cherry. You’re just lazy. I know you can achive anything you want with the proper motivation, just like Floyd-senpai.”.) 

(Their Mama can never know just how far her daughter had use the same skill that she praise to manipulate others.) 

In the middle of the evening - just shy after midnight -  Sherrie heard a water drip somewhere in her bedroom. 

Drip... drip... drip... 

She pushes her chair away from her gaming laptop, game paused and just listen. Her eyes scan the dimly lit bedroom. 

Drip... drip... 

“This better not be the start of a horror movie.” 

It’s coming from... somewhere near her vanity table. Sherrie ignores the clutter of make-ups, perfumes and figurines on the table and waited eagerly. Her leg couldn’t stop bouncing when the surface ripple like water’s surface once. 

The ripple clears and instead of staring at her reflection, her oldest sister stares right back at her. 

“It works!” Renata said incredulously. “I can’t believe the headmaster’s half-assed runes actually works!” 

“The fuck? What happened?” Sherrie reply, a bit taken back. Behind her sister, Sherrie could see a bed, study table and walls and other furnishing that eerily looks similar to the ones back at the castle. 

Renata waved her hand in a dismissive manner. “I had to literally bullied a grown ass man to help me contact you. It took me a week of camping in the library to figured out how, but we managed to come up with runes that allow us to create a link to every mirror in the house.” She explains in an exasperated tone. “I’ll teach you the drawing tomorrow. All you guys need to do is just draw them on any mirror and it’ll send me a signal to find a mirror of my own.” 

“That kinda sounds like a phone call. Like, an interdimensional phone call!” 

“I know right! I already put a compact mirror in my purse so I can call you anytime!” Renata said with a smug grin. She’s clearly proud of her clever little trick. Even with the help of the headmaster. 

Sherrie never doubted that her sister couldn’t find a way to contact them. She’s a prodigy when it comes to magic. 

She might be young, but she could still remember how their tutors gave out praises as if they were candies when it comes to her older sister and her affinity for magic. 

It’s just too bad that their compliments are worthless when they always ended with, “If only the Princess is a full born Fae...” 

“Ok, so, contact established. Now are you still in Phase 1?” Sherrie said, bringing their conversation back to important matters. She made sure to properly and slowly explain their game plan a week before the Ebony Carriage took Renata to Night Raven College. The words are clearly written, highlighted colourfully and important steps are accompanied by cartoon stickers. 

Despite being a prodigy at magic, her sister woefully has short attention span when it comes to playing the long game. Her attention spans burn hot and fast, just like her anger. It also burns out just as quick as it came. 

Renata rolled her eyes, unimpressed. “Yes, yes. I’m still in Phase 1. It’s hard to make friends when everyone is wary of you. Do you know they hung up portraits of past Dorm Leaders and their Vice Dorm Leaders in each dorm? It’s so annoying when everyone stares at me and at father’s portrait whenever I walk into Disomnia!” 

Sherrie hums and made a quick dash to grab her tablet. The one where she wrote down her plans. She swipes the screen to the list of names that their mother had given them. 

“They’re just NPCs, don’t worry about them. What you need to focus on are the students with the surnames that Mama gave us.” Here, Sherrie is tapping on the screen of her tablet to the mirror. “Have you met any of them or did you fucked up the plan already?” 

“Calm your tits, I’ve been following your instructions.” Renata assured her, not the least riled up. “We’re only in the first semester; I only managed to match the names and faces of my dorm mates so far. It’s gonna take me at least a month of snooping around before I could find them.” Renata paused and her eyes suddenly lit up as if she just remembered something. “Oh, but I’ve been farming intel of the Thorn Kingdom using the Lucky Leanan spell every day after curfew. It took some trial and error but I successfully managed to find the castle again!”

Sherrie recalls that one of Renata spells - Lucky Leanan - creates a small fairy made out of pure magic that would do sneak attacks by shooting lightning bolts while Renata fights. It’s small enough to flit behind an opponent’s line of sight and take them off guard. 

Small enough to sneak into the castle without anyone none the wiser. 

So Sherrie nodded. “That’s a good move. You’re safely far away from the castle and you can remotely dispel Leanan if it gets dicey.” 

“Yup! Look at my one braincell go!” Renata cheered. “If I keep this up and give it plenty of water and sunlight, maybe it’ll grow!” 

Sherrie burst out laughing alongside her sister. Her joke took her off guard. Hopefully their laughter didn’t wake up their mother and Lucien. 

Sherrie hiccups and wipe the tears from the corner of her eye. It feels nice to talk to her sister again.  

She misses her disaster of sister already. 

“Anyway, I need to hit the bed soon.” Renata said, breaking her train of thought. “I’ll do my best to gather as much info as I can about the ongoings inside the castle for you. Are there any heads up you want me to look for?” 

Sherrie smiles brightly and reply, “Of course! If you could, be a dear and get everything about father’s... other wife. Everything - right down to the most boring shits.”

“On it.” 

-

That first-year Diasomnia student has been the talk around campus for weeks now. 

Not only is she the only girl in Night Raven College, word on the streets quickly spreads that she’s look too similar to one of the previous Dorm Leader of Diasomnia to not be related. 

Staring at her while she’s busy taking a selfie of the Great Seven statues, he agrees that the similarities are too uncanny. 

Now, why would he sends his own Princess to a villain school without any retainer? 

That, and why under a different surname? 

Something’s not right. 

Renata MC/S brought with her an interesting mystery to Night Raven College. A mystery that caught his interest at the first whiff of her scent. And oh Great Seven, her delectable scent. The first time his nose caught that mouthwatering smell, it had his tail swishing in eager and his head spinning. 

It’s the scent of his favourite flower - blood lily - with a hint of something... otherworldly. He still can’t quite put words into it. 

He wants to unravel her. Understand what makes her tick. 

Uncover what she’s hiding. 

Four days later in History class, Professor Trein gave him - and Renata - their golden ticket. 

“Kingscholar, MC/S - you two will be partners for this assignment. I expect you two have no objection.” 

“It’s fine...” 

“I don’t have a problem with the arrangement, professor.” 

The professor nodded and class is dimiss. Students began making their way out of the room. Except for him... and her. 

Renata steps in front of his desk when they finally have the class all to themselves. He takes a good, long look at her. 

She’s certainly beautiful; a real heartbreaker. But there’s something interesting within her bright green eyes. Something volatile. He wonders what could it really be. 

“Hi there. So you’re Bakari Kingscholar, hmm? Hope we can ace this assignment without any problem.” Renata said with a small smile. Is she trying to be friendly? Because it just looks condescending as hell. 

But that just makes this a lot more fun. 

“Same here. Girl or not, I won’t let it slide if you prove to be a dead weight.” 

His warning clearly took her off guard with the how her smile froze. It was only for a moment though, before she let out a laugh. As if he just told a funny joke. 

“Kitty-cat is flexing his claws, huh?” Renata had the audacity to grin. The other Savanaclaw students would’ve lowered their heads at his tone. “Don’t worry. Do your part and I promise I won’t light your tail on fire.” 

Oh, his old man needs to know about this girl. 

-

You have no idea how much fun it is to write about Malleus and MC’s children! Especially the Princessess. Unfortunately, they’re more like Malleus than they or MC even realise it. Anyway, my main reference for SD/N is none other than... TADA! Fyodor Dostoevsky from BSD!

It’s just that Sherrie is a lot more lazy and rather keep to herself and stay at home. She only goes out of her to way to mess with people because of Renata and her tendecies to get into trouble.  

I’m still thinking on the draft for part 3 so we’ll see how that goes. Also, I was struggling wether to name Leona’s son or not. I think that honoured should go to @tri3tri​! 

[fakeloveaskblog]

Patty have you ever asked Janus to join for dinner when you meet him? Maybe that can somehow help Logan with his flirting? Or at least get Janus more relaxed?

(btw you're adorable ily!!)

(*cracks knuckles* Oh yeah baby we’ve gotten to the angst. Words: 2364 )

Patty: ": D Oh hello lil magical bird who just talked to me! I love you too!! I didn't want to barge in too much into their relationship but now when my honeypie has asked him out once already I guess I can help just a bit!"

Patty had sunglasses on to look like a secret agent. This was an important step in her plan, she swore on it. She sneaked into the open library while chuckling to herself.

She glanced around and almost immediately caught her eye on Janus standing in the reception. She did a few sneaky walks between the bookshelves before sliding up to him.

"Hello Janister!" She greeted with a bright smile while putting her elbows on the reception to lean closer.

"Hiya PatPat. Logan is off helping a customer but he'll be back soon"

"Oh silly I'm not looking for him right now. I am actually here to ask if you could come over to our place tonight. You see I'm planning on making Jambalaya but I always make too much! I'm talking leftovers up to the roof!! But if a third person was there maybe I would be able to make a perfect amount" She lied. She was making jambalaya for Janus purposes alone!

Janus' heartrate shot through the atmosphere "To- me?- your place?- tonight?- I uh- I don't know if I have time-"

She pouted and did her puppy eyes "You sure? You don't have to if you don't want to!! But it would be nice!"

He let out a happy sigh "Sure"

She took his hand and let out a sqeaul "aaah Great! It'll be so fun!!"

---

Logan was leaning down so Patty could help him with his bowtie. "Are you completely sure I look adequate?" He asked.

"Oh honeybee, You look super duper ultra adequate. You're literally wearing a sweater with a math pun on it!!"

"Hmm sound argument. I can not deny the sexiness of math puns"

A knock came on the door. The couple stared at each other. Logan stimmed out of nervousness. Patty gave him a quick kiss before pointing between him and the door. They did a good luck high five.

Logan combed his hair back and leaned on the wall to look cool as he opened the door. Janus stood on the other side looking like a sardine that had just been pressed into a can.

He had on a purple vest with embroidered flowers details and with a long sleeved black button up under. Also a very funky pair of stripped pants with even funkier yellow snake socks under.

"Greetings Jan. You are looking" Like a dream. Like someone he wanted to kiss right this moment. "Very good"

"Aww are you trying to be a snake charmer Log-boy" Janus replied with a smirk.

"I am not a log or a boy. I'm an adult man made out of meat"

"You better be because I'm starving" He had downed 2 shots of vodka before coming to try to and cool his extreme anxiety. He was a lightweight.

Logan lead him into the living room "Are....Are you implying cannibalism?"

Janus shrugged while smiling.

The apartement truly did look like a mismatch of the couple's personalities. The walls were filled with maps of constellations and uplifting cat posters. On the bookshelfs cook books and travel books were stacked next to thick philosophy books and essays. The decorations were either cute porcelain animals, magical anime girl figurines or figurines of characters from Lo's different hyperfixations. The sofa was filled with fluffy blankets and pillows and stuffies were scattered around the light blue carpet filling the living room.

“Do you want to watch star trek while eating?” Logan asked with a hopeful glint in his eyes.

“As long as I get to watch your beautiful face as well” Janus flirted back while doing an unsteady fingergun.

“Oh- Of course” His crush’s sudden forwardness was making his heart flutter.

Janus curled up in the corner of the couch, making himself as small as possible. Logan sat down pretty far away from him.

He started the first episode. Janus had a constant smile on his face as he listened to Logan go between telling him facts and gushing over his favorite moments. All while he could hear Patty in the kitchen half singing along to dad rock.

“Does she want help with that?” Janus, known gentleman and also nervous wreck, asked.

“She’ll tell us if she need it. She likes cooking. I like baking. It usually works out”

Janus got an amused look on his face “You’re into baking? So all those times at work when you brought desserts, that was your making?”

“Yes. And they were delicious. Anything wrong with that?”

“No. No. I simply didn’t take you for the type”

“Well cooking involves creativity and there’s room for your own ideas. Baking doesn’t. It is only about following a structure and doing kitchen chemistry. Of course I love it” He lowered his voice “It is also tremendously good for when you need to flirt without words”

“Oh really? I better start looking up recipes then” He pulled in Logan's bowtie “You have any favorites?” 

In his head he had the guts to say ‘Your lips against mine would be my favorite’ in reality he said “HehuHFKdjf jam drops in the shape of heart. The heart part is important. It adds to the taste”

“It usually does”

Janus slowly looked him up and down. And then he realized what the fuck he was doing. He shot back into his corner of the sofa like a naked rat. Logan sat still with blushing cheeks, staring at the tv but not taking in anything that was happening except his racing heart.

“Done!” Patty exclaimed, coming in with a big ass fucking pot of jambalaya and a just as big bottle of wine.

She saw the nervous state both of the guys were in and quickly made up a plan. She slammed the pot down onto the coffee table and moved the blankets so they took up about half of the couch. Then she sat down using up as much space as possible leaving the guys no choice but to move closer to each other, If both of them sat their hands down they would touch.

Patty cuddled up to her husband with a proud smile on her face. Logan moved his arm around her. 

“It looks great sweetheart” He pressed a kiss to her cheek making her giggle.

“So do you!! And so does mr. star trek captain man!”

 She enjoyed the hell out of her jambalaya while the two idiots sent each other awkward smiles. Janus downed his glass of wine in record speed. (He took it slower with the food, he didn’t want to seem disgusting). 

The whole star trek episode went by. Logan asked Janus a thousand excited questions about how much he liked it. All of his answers made the nerd happy stim. They put on a documentary none of them were really interested in the background while continuing to chat. Patty went on a long epic story about how a kid at her daycare had tried to bite her finger off last week.

“Soooo” Patty sudenly changed the topic. She said it with an innocent tone “My nerdy lil honeypie over here had the biggest crush on Data for a while. It was adorable. ANd while we’re on the topic” The look she gave Janus was happy but it still sent shivers down his spine “You having any crushes lately? Just curious!”

Both of the men internally gasped at the audacity. The gall! The sheer power!! Janus was sweating like a naked rat who had just been clad for the first time.

“...Well.......I have actually been meaning to....Ask about the polyamourous thing?” 

The couple exhanged knowing glances before looking back at him “Mhm yeah Mhm” “I am poly and also a thing so I am an expert in this”

“So...I totally haven’t fallen in love with 3 people. 2 of which I met in the span of around a week”

Patton did a double thumbs up. Logan took a long sip from his wine. “We’re all gossipy bitches here. Tell all about it”

“Well. The first one is Remy-”

“The one with the sunglasses?”

“...Yes...Are....Don’t tell me they’re a serial killer”

Patty broke up into a chuckle “Logie-bogie tried to kiss them while he was drunk once”

“I threw up on their shoes”

“He threw up on their shoes!”

Logan saw the terror in Janus’ face as he worried that maybe 2 of his crushes were exes and quickly added “We are only acquaintance and I was momentarily struck by the impressive lenght of their legs” 

Janus went on to gush about Remy and Remus. Why he loved them. All the dates he had daydreamed about. And then finally his voice was shaking when he mentioned just having a third crush.

Patty let out a long yawn before he could say anything more. She stood up “Well looks like it’s time to snooze! I assume 2 big burly ultra masculine men like you two can handle the dishes”

“It will be a challenge but we shall do our best. Goodnight honey” Logan kissed her.

She leaned in and whispered “Good luck Logie-bear! You got this”

She giggled mischievously while going off into the bedroom. She closed the door behind her. Only the two lovebirds were left now.

“So the third crush? Who’s the lucky gentleman?” Logan asked.

Janus held onto his newly refilled wine glass so hard it nearly cracked. He forced a smile “Wouldn’t you want to hear about the fake couples counseling I go to together with Remus instead?”

“Fake what now?”

“Well me and Remus, who I am hopelessly in love with even though he clearly doesn’t feel the same way, started going to a therapist pretending we were a couple to see how long it would take before he realized we didn’t know each other. He hasn’t realized anything yet. It’s great!”

It looked like Logan’s eyes was about to bulge out of his skull “That sounds illegal. It should be. You are dragging shame onto the face of psychology you double dumbass!”

“I have done nothing wrong ever in my entire life and frankly I deserve to waste even more therapist’s time” Janus replied.

He let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose “Which therapist is it that you’re harassing exactly?”

“Dr. Picani”

Logan’s eyes widened and he shut his lips tightly “Emile Picani?”

“Yes.....Please don’t tell me he’s a serial killer”

He slowly looked away while taking a sip from his wine “I have had intercourse with that man”

Janus choked on his drink. He coughed while staring at his friend with wild eyes “YOU FUCKED MY THERAPIST????”

“No.......He fucked me” Logan replied in a quiet tone. “Besides he’s not even your real therapist”

“He is still a sort of therapist man to me! I told him I enjoy Lana Del Rey. That was a very intimate moment for me!”

“Well I had a very intimate moment with him too”

Janus looked at him with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. He let out a chuckle which turned into a laugh which turned into Logan not being able to not laugh along which turned into the room filling with nothing but flustered happiness and laughter.

Logan grabbed onto his crush’ arm just to have some contact with him while his eyes teared up from laughter. Janus leaned his head against his shoulder and curled up close to him while giggling so much his stomach hurt.

“Oh we’re idiots” Janus sighed.

“We are. We truly are”

They stayed sitting like that. So so close. Logan’s arm around him. Janus breathing being felt against the other man’s skin. Their hands touching. Only comfortable silence surrounded them.

A few minutes went by. Janus looked at him shuly. His thoughts worrying about everything and anything “Should we- ehm- the dishes?”

The moment broke. Logan moved away before standing up “I uh yeah- we should”

It was strange. Just dishing together with his crush made Logan happy. All he could think about was getting to be this close, this domestic, with him every day. Getting to wake up next to him. Kiss his knuckles. Share a morning with him.

“Who was the third crush by the way?” Logan asked, glancing over at his crush.

Janus stared down into the water “I- I can’t say it”

“Understandable”

He stopped and turned fully to look at Janus. He had never been more unsure of where to put his hands before.

“Well I can...Say it I mean....I....I...Janus.....You make me happy just by being near me...You are so wonderful...I....I love you”

Logan couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He took a step forward and cupped Janus’ cheeks. He leaned forward, so close, so close that their noses and foreheads were pressed against each other. It felt like had been starving for this.

Janus froze. His wide eyes stared in shock at the other man. His hand moved up to his chest on instinct, to try and push him away.

Logan noticed his reaction. Of course he did. It was blindingly obvious. He forced himself to move away. He forced the desire to kiss him to simmer out.

“I-I’m sorry-” He mumbled out.

“No....Lo..” Janus took his hand. Holding it so so lightly in his own “I know” He looked up at him “I know. I’m sorry. I should go”

A horrible feeling of guilt filled Logan’s throat “You don’t have to” 

“I should go” He repeated, letting go of his hand.

Logan walked after him as he went to get his jacket “A date. Do you want to go on a date? Not just a hangout. Janus I- I want so badly to be close to you. We could go to the zoo, look at the snakes?”

Janus held his hand on the handle of the door. He didn’t look at Logan “Thanks for having me over”

He left. Logan stood alone in the hallway. His arms hanging helplessly at his sides.

[holylulusworld]

My Little Bird

Summary: Now that Dean found you will he finally see you suffered or will things go worse?

Pairing: Mobster!Dean x Reader, Benny Lafitte, OFC’s

Warnings: angst, language, mobster business, pregnant reader (sue me), protective Dean (overprotective bordering on possessiveness), soft Dean (he tries at least), comforting

Sequel to: Little Bird

Dean did not let you go. While Benny drives the SUV out of the parking lot Dean holds you carefully in his arms.

“My little bird will have a baby.” Whispering the words Dean smiles at his friend in the rear-view mirror. “Isn’t she the most beautiful girl in the world.”

“Boss, you should go easy on her.” Benny’s features soften as you tremble in Dean’s arms. “She’s not wrong with what she said…”

 “I tried to protect her. Nothing wrong with protecting my wife.” Grumbling Dean places one hand onto your belly and his eyes lit up. Looking at you in awe his features soften.

“That is great, Dean. Just do not stress Y/N. It’s bad for the baby and all.” Benny knows about a woman’s condition, hormones, and emotions during pregnancy as his wife gave birth to twins not long ago. “She needs stability and love.”

“I love her.” Muttering Dean strokes your belly, not taking his eyes off you. “Oh…Oh…” Wide-eyed he looks at you. “There was…I don’t know. I felt something.”

“He kicked.” Mumbling the word, you move your hand over your belly. “I guess our baby boy is awake now.”

“A boy!” Sniffling Dean presses his lips to your temple. “Benny! “The baby kicked me! It’s a little boy…” Humming you dare to meet Dean’s eyes for the first time and your breath hitches in your throat.

A single tear rolls down his cheek and you do not know how to react. “I got an ultrasound picture in my wallet.”

“Can I see it, please?” Nodding you look for your purse in the backseat, remembering Dean put it into the trunk.

“It’s in the trunk.”

“Oh—shit…” Stammering Dean tries to avoid more curses. “Sorry. I will try to not curse when the baby is around. My mom always said, ‘no cursing in front of Sammy’.”

“s’okay. I cursed this morning too. I burned my finger and…” Dean pants heavily. His nostrils flares as he checks on your hand, looking at your finger.

“We have to get the doctor! She burned her finger.” Getting his phone out Dean wants to call Alex, but you stop him before he can dial her number.

“Dean, it is fine. My boss put some ointment onto the finger, and I got a plaster. Look.” Pointing at the Winnie the Pooh plaster you try to convince Dean your life is not in danger. “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“It hurt…crap. We need to make sure you’ll never get hurt again.” Dean looks at the plaster around your finger, sighing heavily. “I let you out of sight and you got hurt.”

“Boss, it’s a burned finger, not a broken neck. Calm, take a deep breath and let the protective beast sleep for a while.”

Knowing Dean too well Benny tries to calm his friend. “I know you are worried, but Y/N is not Cassie. You protected your wife well so far. I think Y/N can decide some things on her own, Dean. Give her space to breathe.”

“Space…” Glancing at your baby bump Dean tries to swallow the lump in his throat. “What if anyone tries to kidnap her or worse? I can’t let her leave the house alone.”

“You can at least let her do some things she likes to do. Your wife makes the best omelets I ever ate.” Not giving in Benny keeps in arguing. “I told you to not suffocate her any longer. I can’t see you suffer again.”

“Suffer.” Glancing at Benny you gulp as your friend nods. “Dude didn’t stop whining about how much he misses you. He played with a gun more than once, drank too much and even let Sam take over the business for a while.”

“Gun…wait!” Panting you look up at Dean. “You tried to kill yourself? DEAN!”

“I felt hopeless without you. I lost you, couldn’t hold you tight enough, my little bird.” Nuzzling you Dean hums as you gently touch his face.

“I tried to escape as you held me too tight, Dean. I never wanted to leave but you acted as if I cannot do anything right. Then you let that woman…” Sniffling you look at the wedding band at his finger. “You cheated on me with that woman…”

“I swear, it was only this once and…” Shaking his head Dean closes his eyes. “There is no excuse for breaking my vows. I am sorry.”

“Let’s get the lady home and you can regret your shitty behavior for the rest of your life if she’s willing to forgive you.” Dean’s eyes search your face as you refuse to look at him.

“I…I could try to…” Dean’s words come out in pants as he is not used to losing control. He never could show emotions and the one time he did – Cassie paid the price…

“I can run you a bath and you can relax. Do you want to eat something?” Reluctantly walking into your bedroom, you can see Dean did not change a thing.

The book you read months ago lies abandoned on your nightstand. The silver necklace you forgot is draped over the fairy figurine he gave you to your birthday and the nightgown you wore before you ran away is placed onto your side of the bed.

“I…I didn’t change anything. You can do so.” Dean nervously cups the back of his neck, rubbing his sweaty palm over the skin. “I will prepare the bath for you. I bought those lilac bath bombs you like so much.”

“You remembered…” Sliding your fingers over the little figurine you take the silver necklace.

“I remember everything you like, little bird. I just…” Looking at you with sad eyes Dean shrugs. “Maybe I never learned how to express my feelings. My mom was soft and warm, just like you but my father…”

“He was a hard man, I know.” Stepping closer to Dean, the necklace still in your hands you press it to your heart. “I heard from it.”

“He taught me, no us, to not show emotions in our business. I followed his order, always.” Opening the top drawer of a commode Dean removes the false bottom to get a hidden box out. “I kept a few things from my mom. Look.”

Dean never talked about his mother or Cassie. All you know is that his mom got killed when he was around four and that his father was not the best at parenting.

“She was pretty.”

“We never got to know how she died. Dad told us the story but over the years, he changed details until it was more a fairytale than a story. Sometimes I even believed it was him killing her as she tried to leave him.”

Dean’s word let your heart drops as you look up at him. For the first time, you see something vulnerable in Dean.

The little boy from back then is still inside of the tall man in front of you and maybe, just maybe you can get a part of him back.

“What about Sam? Did he ever…I mean…”  Nodding Dean hides the pictures in the box before he shows you one of Cassie and him when he was younger.

“Sammy never believed dad’s story about mom’s death. We drifted apart for a few years as I followed dad’s order and Sam left the family business.”

Stepping closer you look at the box. You would like to have a look at all the things Dean is hiding in the box, but he opened up a bit, so you don’t push your luck.

“I see. Sam mentioned he was away for a while. I am sorry your father was…” Sniffling you peck Dean’s cheek. “Must have been hard to grow up with a hard man.”

Dean’s eyes sadden as he can read your mind. You believe he will not be a good father to his son, so he gets another picture out. It’s a picture of Dean and his bride, Cassie.

“The reason I am so worried, so protective is that I lost Cassie at our wedding day.” Your hands start shaking as you take the picture out of Dean’s hands. “I know that I told you we divorced but…”

“She died?” Your eyes drift toward the picture of Dean’s first wedding and you feel a cold shiver run down your spine. “How…Dean?”

“We came out of the church and Sam; he called my name as I dropped my phone. I kissed Cassie’s cheek, told her to wait for a moment and went back into the church. It was barely a minute, but it was long enough…”

Dean takes a deep breath before he shows you another picture. It’s an ultrasound picture and he gives you a sad smile.

“I heard a gunshot and ran out, Sam and dad tried to hold me back, told me to wait but all I could see was Cassie dropping to the ground…”

“Dean…” Grasping for his hand you press it to your swollen belly. “I am so sorry…”

“Do you remember when you asked me about the scars at my stomach and shoulder? I lied and told you it was an accident when I was eighteen but the moment I tried to get to Cassie I got shot. Twice.”

Your eyes meet Dean’s and you can see the pain in these green orbs. “I hit the ground and all I saw before losing consciousness were her lifeless eyes and her ruined white dress. I lost my wife and child on the same day.”

Carefully placing the pictures back into the box Dean gets an envelope out. Your name is written in tidy letters on the white paper and there is a tiny bird next to it.

“I kept it…all of it.” Getting the love letter out you wrote Dean at the age of ten he smiles as you open the letter with shaking fingers. “I got the flower you gave me with twelve and the ticket from the movie we watched when we were fifteen.”

“After that, my dad and I moved away…” Nodding Dean looks at the letter in your hands. “I never thought I’d see you again.”

“I met Cassie and was ready to start a new life with her, but I never forgot about you. I always remembered my little bird.” Cupping your cheek Dean brushes his lips over yours. “I should get you some food while you have a warm bath. It’s getting late.”

Just like that Dean put his secrets back into the box and you nod, wondering if he will ever be able to open to you completely. “Dean…I am sorry for what happened to Cassie and your mom.”

“I know, Y/N.” Pressing a soft kiss to your temple Dean gently strokes your back. “I’ll get you something from the kitchen. Any wishes?”

“Peanut butter and jelly?” Whining you look up at Dean and he snickers at your choice of food.

“Still a peanut butter jelly girl…”

The water relaxes your sore body. Working as a waitress while being six months pregnant is exhausting. Your feet hurt, just like your back but the emotional exhaustion is even worse.

Dean telling you about his past is a new level in your relationship, but you are still not sure if he will be able to grant you more freedom.

You can understand he is scared to lose you but keeping you in a golden cage will not do any good.

“My wife needs something to eat.” Grumbling Dean looks at his cook. She smirks, already getting the porridge out.

“I said…” Gritting his teeth Dean points toward the fridge. “My wife wants food, not your rubbish. She hates porridge, you know that.”

“I want her to eat healthily…” Slamming his fist onto the counter Dean shakes his head.

“We do not need you any longer, or rather…” Smirking Dean tilts his head. “You are fired.”

While the cook leaves the kitchen, Dean gets a plate out to make you a peanut butter jelly sandwich. He is carefully removing the crust. Nodding to himself as he cuts the sandwich into two halves.

“Perfect…” Benny snickers as he steps into the kitchen. “Maybe give her an apple too.”

“Nope.” Popping the ‘p’ Dean takes the plate to walk out of the kitchen. “Y/N wants this sandwich, she gets it.”

“Good…that’s good Dean.” Humming Dean looks at his friend, licking his lips before he looks at the sandwich.

“Benny…thanks for your advice. My little bird needs more sunlight I guess. When she wants to go out, go with her. Never leave her alone.” Dean grumbles, but he knows he got no other choice than granting your more freedom.

“How do you feel, Y/N?” Dean’s voice makes you jump as you hold your wedding picture in your lap. “You’re wearing my shirt…”

Dean’s eyes roam your body. You are wearing one of his favorite shirts and you look adorable to him. “Nothing suits me any longer. I am too big…”

Laughing Dean hands, you the plate and you smile as he removed the crust as your mom did for you. “You can have all of my shirts, but you can drive to town and buy new clothes, little bird.”

“Oh—okay.” Nodding you take a bite of your sandwich, moaning at the taste. “I could just ask Ellen. She has great taste and could get me the clothes I need. I would like to spend the day with you…”

“Yeah? You want to?” Sitting onto the bed to watch you eat your sandwich Dean smiles to himself. “We could go too. I could come with you and help you chose. We need a nursery too. Maybe Benny can help us.”

“Dean, do you think we can make it?” Placing one hand onto your belly Dean nods silently. “I’d like to try but I need more…”

“Freedom…I know…” Dean whispers as you eat the other half of your sandwich. “My little bird needs to fly.”

“I want to get to know more about your life too, Dean. I want more honesty and freedom. I promise to be careful. I would never risk our child gets hurt.” Rubbing your belly Dean sighs but he nods.

“I’ll try to be less overprotective from now on. I love you and the baby boy in your belly. I will make sure my little bird can spread her wings…”

>> Part 3

Tags will be added to the reblog.

[witchymarvelspacecase]

Alternate Endgame

Summary: Fuck Endgame. Reader has precognitive abilities and we’re gonna fix this stupid movie.

Warnings: Cursing, endgame spoilers, maybe some tears?, fluff

WC: 4816

AN: It took me for-fucking-ever, and it is CRAZY long, but here it is.

Forever love to @writingwithadinosaur​ for CONTINUING to put up with my empty promises to write.

You woke with a start; heaving deep breaths that just couldn’t seem to fill your lungs. You were coated in a sheen of cold sweat. It had been months-- no, years since you'd had a premonition that strong, and you were more than a little shaken.

Not thinking you reached over for the man sleeping beside you, but your fingers only met cool sheets. Of course they did. It had been 5 years since Sam had… disappeared, he wouldn’t simply reappear in your bed because you’d had a vision. No matter how much you wanted him to. 

Before Thanos, Sam had been there for you. You’d started as teammates, then friends, then more. Sam was everything. He was sweet, funny, and loyal. The fact that he was gorgeous certainly didn’t hurt either. He’d helped you process your visions. He’d hold you, press kisses to your temple, and let you talk through what happened if you could. If you couldn’t he was more than up to distract you. God you missed him. You missed his touch, you missed his voice, missed the tiny birds he’d draw on your mirror, or mission paperwork, or the small bird figurines he’d hide throughout your room. It hurt even more intensely, waking from a vision after so long, and finding him still gone.

As moments passed, and your breathing became less panicked, your mind began to clear, and details of your vision slowly, but clearly came back. Pain, a lot of pain, and death. There was hope, you thought for a second that you’d heard Sam’s voice… but there was so much risk involved. And the deaths you saw… you couldn’t take anymore death.

FUCK no. You wouldn’t let it happen like that. No way.

Knowing that sleeping again would be impossible, you dragged yourself out of bed, intending to make coffee, but paused at your bedroom door. Turning abruptly, you walked instead to your closet. Reaching onto the top shelf, you pulled down a large zip top bag with a few of Sam’s sweatshirts inside. You pulled one out and quickly re-sealed the bag. Bringing the fabric to your face and inhaling the lingering scent of detergent, cologne, and Sam, had fresh tears springing in your eyes. But it also brought a sense of determination, and confidence. 

Sam was with you. He wasn’t gone permanently, and he believed in you. He loved you.

Pulling the sweatshirt over your PJs, you left your room with a new sense of purpose.

…

The Aether; the reality stone. One of 6 infinity stones that had enabled Thanos’s snap. It had been given to the collector many years ago, and it was your only hope. 

Of course, that was assuming that the rest of your team figured out the whole time travel thing. 

Exhaling, you shook your head in disbelief. Time travel. 

Aliens, gods, titans, and now time travel. 

Before Carol had brought Tony and Nebula back, time travel would have been as ridiculously out of reach as it sounded. But with Tony back? You could see time travel being a distinct possibility, and a quick one.

Tony was refusing to help, which hurt, but you understood. He didn’t want to risk losing his daughter. Given how life seemed to take from Tony, his resistance made sense. Were Morgan your daughter, you wouldn’t risk her either. 

Although, caution didn’t sit well with Tony Stark. You had a feeling he would be unable to keep himself from at least trying to work out time travel now that he had an idea. He would try, and probably tweak his equation until it functioned flawlessly.

Tony would figure it out. And when he did, he would feel obligated to help; he wouldn’t be able to keep the knowledge that the team needed away from them. That meant you needed to learn as much as you could about the Aether before Tony figured out time travel. If it were anyone else, you would have had plenty of time.

Your original plan, to ask Thor, was a non-starter. The god of thunder had been through the fucking ringer. Honestly, you were shocked he was doing as well as he was. As soon as you could, you planned to sit with him awhile. Nothing invasive, but you got the feeling he wanted to talk, but didn’t know where to start.

Dr. Banner was able to fill in some blanks for you, but not enough.

Thankfully, once you were able to contact him, Wong was a veritable treasure trove of information. He was able to walk you through the process of using an infinity stone, being that he was the only one left alive who had done so in the past. Or, almost the only one.

“Rocket,” you called. The small creature had been across the room, talking to Thor, but came over as you waved him to you. “I need your help.” 

“With what?” he seemed genuinely curious, and then a little taken aback when you began to explain.

“I’m not sure you’ve been told what I can do,” you began. When Rocket shook his head, you explained your premonitions.

“And these visions are always accurate?” he asked, his furry little face serious.

“Yes. The visions are accurate, but meant as a warning. So far, when I have interfered, the future has been altered, and whatever I’d seen could be avoided.” Then, you proceeded to tell him about the future you’d seen in your most recent vision. “I can’t- I won’t lose any more of my family, Rocket. This plan I have, I- it will work, but I need your help.” Your expression was beseeching.

The raccoon didn’t ponder long though. “What’d’ya need?”

“I need you to tell me as much as you can remember about when Quill held the infinity stone, and when we have to go and retrieve the fucking things, I need you to help me get a specific one.”

Luckily, Rocket was willing to trust you. Something told you he didn’t trust easily, especially not when what you were telling him couldn’t be proven one way or another, but he’d lost a lot of people too. It seemed he was ready to take a chance.

When it came time to be split into groups to collect the stones, Rocket helped to ensure you were on the team with him and Thor, headed to Asgard.

Next step. Rock climbing practice, a lot of it.

…

“Bruce, I need a favor.” You crossed your fingers, hoping he didn’t ask too many questions regarding your request. 

Though Rocket knew a good portion of your plan, he didn’t know all of it. The fewer people who knew, the better. It wasn’t easy to convince Bruce to give you the extra pym particle. You’d stopped Scott from accidentally using one up, so there was one left, but Bruce was hesitant to give it to you. It wasn’t until your eyes began to water and your voice began to crack that Bruce caved; he couldn’t handle tears. Though you hadn’t planned to cry, it had worked in your favor. 

Actually, the hard part was getting Bruce to keep his mouth shut about you having the extra particle. Bruce had a hard time lying to anyone. You needed everyone as in the dark as possible, especially Clint and Natasha, or your plan wouldn’t work.

…

“See you in a minute,” Natasha said with a smile. You gave a smile back, hoping it didn’t appear strained and took a deep breath before “jumping” to Asgard, ten years in the past.

Thor was thoroughly distracted, with good reason, so it was a good thing you had Rocket on your side.

“I hope you know what you’re doin’,” Rocket grumbled as you took the carefully contained Aether from him.

“You and me both,” you replied quietly. 

“Good luck.”

You gave him a small smile before triggering your suit.

…

You appeared just far enough back that Nat and Clint didn’t hear you, but close enough that you could see them heading up one side of the mountain. They headed up the side that was clearly meant to be climbed, you however, went to the opposite side; a sheer rock face with a drop from an unbelievable height.

You’d received an odd look from Tony when you’d asked for a part of Peter Parker’s Spiderman suit. He’d given the gloves to you without asking the question that was clearly on the tip of his tongue, but you knew there would be many questions later as a result. The gloves’ grip wasn’t nearly as strong as it would have been for Peter, but they would be much better than nothing. Your other tools had been easy to obtain and stuff in a backpack; a combination ice axe and climbing hammer, pitons, carabiners and high strength climbing rope. Hopefully, the practice you’d managed would be enough.

Taking a deep breath you reached up and began your ascent. You needed to get as far up as you could and quickly, so that you could be in place and relatively stable when you needed to use the stone. 

You forced the pitons into the rock face and secured yourself, freeing your hands and arms to use the stone, and more importantly, catch Natasha. The two tasks had to be done simultaneously, or your plan wouldn’t work. 

Vormir’s guardian, and Clint needed to see Natasha fall, and believe she was dead in order to free the soul stone, but Natasha couldn’t die.

It felt like no fucking time had passed between when you finally anchored yourself and you could hear Nat and Clint arguing. 

“Showtime.”

Using the stone, you warped reality around yourself not a moment too soon, as Natasha was suddenly hanging just above you.

“Damn you!” Clint shouted. Natasha had clipped him to an anchor she’d shot into the cliff, saving him, and now she was dangling from his outstretched arm.

“Let me go,” she said, almost calmly. 

You knew in her mind, she was doing the right thing. Knew she was decided, resolved.

“No, please no,” Clint was crying. This would destroy him.

“It’s okay,” Natasha soothed ineffectively.

“Please-” Clint begged, but Natasha kicked off the cliff, forcing Clint to lose his grip.

For a moment, it felt like everything froze, then you blinked and reality seemed to split in front of you. You could see what you’d created for Clint and the guardian to see, but you could also see Natasha hanging safely from the second piton you’d secured just to the side of you. 

“What the-” she broke off, seeing the distorted reality of herself falling to her death. When you reached over and touched her shoulder, her head whipped around, suddenly able to see you and the reality stone.

“What the fuck-” You silenced her with a finger to your lips. You weren’t sure whether or not you could be heard by Clint or the guardian. Waiting just a few seconds until you saw Clint disappear, you released the control you had on the stone and gestured for Natasha to trigger her suit to return home.

She looked like she really wanted to argue, but she did as you asked.

Clint’s knees hit the floor and he almost dropped the soul stone when he turned and saw Natasha standing beside him. Tears were flowing down his face and all sorts of nasty curses in a multitude of languages flew from his lips. 

“Don’t you ever fucking do something like that again! Do you hear me, Tasha?! Fuck! You can’t give your life for mine. What the fuck were you- how did you-” Clint cut off and pulled Nat into a tight hug.

“I can’t promise never to do something like that again, Clint. I don’t know what happened. I thought-”. Natasha cut off too, tears in her eyes. She had been resolved to die to save Clint and the others, but she was glad she hadn’t had to.

“What exactly happened?” Bruce asked, looking from Nat and Clint to you. 

“What?” Clint asked, looking from Nat to you.

“Ask them. I sure as fuck didn’t know what was happening,” Natasha said on a long exhale.

You noticed Rocket and Tony were also looking your way. When Nat pulled far enough away from Clint to face you, they both looked at you too.

All eyes on you. Great.

“Well, I had a vision…”

You explained part of your vision. To be fair, you would have explained the whole thing, you wanted to, but there was a niggling feeling at the back of your mind telling you that you weren’t done. You couldn’t tell everyone. It sucked, but your friends-- your family would understand. When it all worked out, you would tell them, but not yet.

…

The final tweaks were made to the new gauntlet. You watched as Tony, Rocket, and Bruce hovered around the thing, clearly unsure if it was ready.

But you were only barely watching. As Tony’s attention was drawn away, you drew over to his latest Iron Man suit. You’d talked with Rocket, and had some idea the power the stones would put out, with that in mind…

“FRIDAY, could I bother you for a moment?” you asked politely.

“Of course. What can I do for you?”

…

Not a fucking moment after Bruce snapped his fingers and the compound was totaled. Most of the structure was underground, along with several of the team.

Shit. 

The worst part of having premonitions was that you couldn’t see everything. The visions  would scare the shit out of you, and give you just enough information to run on, but never the whole picture. Thus, you found yourself running with Clint and Natasha through an underground maze of destruction trying to avoid the fucked up alien hoard that was chasing you. 

ANY of that information would have been nice to know ahead of time.

It also would have been nice to know that a past version of Nebula was somehow in the present. 

Fortunately that problem was “solved” when present nebula showed up and shot her past self… God you couldn’t wrap your head around all this shit. 

A fight was underway as you cleared the tunnels, and it did not look good for your side. Although you noticed with a little shock, that Steve was holding Mjolnir. Or he was until Thanos knocked it from his hand, and cracked his shield. 

All you could see then was Steve, barely standing, alone, facing an army increasing in size. Your heart was racing. You knew Steve wouldn’t give in. You hadn’t seen him die, but that didn’t mean his life wasn’t at risk. Fuck! What were you going to do?!

Then a voice you hadn’t heard in years crackled over the comms, “Hey, Cap, you read me? Cap, it's Sam. Can you hear me?” and a glowing yellow portal appeared next to Steve. “On your left.”

Seeing Sam, in his Falcon suit, fly through the portal, you almost hit the ground.

“Sam,” you whispered, tears in your eyes, but a growing smile on your face.

“Hey babe, miss me?” You could hear the smirk on his face, and though it would have bothered you before, it made you laugh now. 

Your team had a chance. Hundreds of portals opened and thousands of people poured from them. You could vaguely hear chanting from the Wakandans, and see glowing shields being formed by the masters of the mystic arts. New hope and resolve formed in your chest.

“Every fucking day, Sam. Now let's end this so I can yell at you for disappearing on me.” He laughed, and you both ran into the hoards of Thanos’ followers.

…

Unfortunately, though the reinforcements were amazing, and desperately needed, Thanos and his army weren’t backing down.

Carol powered through ships, and struggled with Thanos, but she couldn't overpower him. When you saw her fall, and Tony began approaching the giant murder grape, you recognized your time to act.

“Carol,” you called as she rose, shaking debris from her hair. When she met your eyes, you waved her over. During the fight, you’d managed to speak to Thor, Dr. Strange and Wanda. They all knew you had a plan, though Strange seemed dubious, and they had all agreed to help. The fact that you’d managed to corral them all was a fucking miracle in and of itself, but what you were about to do, was still gonna be difficult.

Your group managed to stay out of Tony’s field of vision. What he was about to attempt, had to happen. What you needed was to reach him in time to alter the aftereffects. 

“I am– inevitable,” Thanos announces, snapping his fingers, which would have been gut wrenching, had the mad titan actually had the infinity stones in his gauntlet.

However, unbeknownst to him, Tony Stark had swiped them right out of his hands. Tony Stark, who was now pulsing with immense amounts of gamma radiation and pure power from the ancient relics.

“And I– am– Iron Man.” Tony snapped his fingers. That was your cue. You, and the most powerful teammates you had, reached out, and took Tony’s left hand. Power and pain radiated through your body. And that was all you remembered.

…

The rocky ground beneath you was not comfortable, but you were barely aware of the sharp stones digging into your back since your whole body felt like you’d been in a car accident.

“Fucking ow,” you groaned.

“Well what did you expect? Trying to divert that level of radiation; you’re lucky your crazy stunt didn’t kill you!” Dr. Strange was in full lecture mode it seemed. You could hear Thor and Carol talking just behind you, and when you cracked your eyes open, you caught a glimpse of Wanda’s magic trailing behind her. Your eyelids felt like there were hundred pound weights on them. Why couldn’t you keep them open? 

Wait! 

It took a full second and a half for your brain to re-engage; quickly recapping the past few days. You bolted into an upright sitting position, all but shrieking in pain as your gritty eyes frantically searched for one figure amidst hundreds.

“Hey kid, you gonna explain all this to me now? I don’t like being in the dark.” You looked directly behind you and burst into tears. Tony was looking at you with a slightly exasperated look on his face, belayed by the small smile on his lips.

“It worked,” you sobbed.

“I don’t know what all has been going on in this place, but I know you’re not supposed to be upset that we won,” came Sam’s voice. He walked up behind Tony, clapping him on the back as he stepped past him to crouch down beside you. “Hey, Gorgeous. I missed you.”

A wet laugh exploded from your chest, “I fucking missed you too, Sammy.” Your eyes overflowed and your smile wobbled as he rested his forehead on yours. 

“It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you,” he soothed, cupping the side of your face and rubbing across your cheekbone with his thumb. He was home. Sobs shook you, and you knew it would be a while before you were able to stand. Or it would have been if Sam hadn’t picked you up and insisted on carrying you.

He didn’t let you out of his sight for several days.

…

It was actually weeks later, after some of the rubble had been cleared from where the compound once stood, before you finally explained what had happened. 

Not everyone was able to cram into Tony’s living room, so some people; Dr. Strange, and King T’challa and his people were there via remote communication. Rocket had even rigged up some sort of communications device into the Guardian’s ship so they could hear too.

“I had a vision,” you started. You were sitting in Sam’s lap, across from most of your family. Natasha sat in an armchair, with Clint perched on the arm. They’d both gone home to see his family almost immediately after the fight, but they both insisted on hearing what had happened.

Scott and Hope shared a couch. Bruce stood just behind it. 

Steve and Bucky were standing next to each other just to the side of you and Sam. They weren’t standing beside you, they wanted an explanation just as much as the others, but the two men were close with Sam, so it seemed they wanted to show that they supported you, as his girlfriend.

Tony was in an armchair across from Natasha and Clint. Thor stood behind his chair, and Wanda sat on the floor between the couch and Tony’s armchair. Even Carol was there, she sat backwards on a kitchen chair that she’d dragged into the room.

“We figured as much,” Tony replied. He smiled as his daughter ran into the room and all but threw herself onto Tony’s lap. He picked her up and situated her comfortably before continuing. “What exactly did your vision show.”

“For the most part, I saw just what happened. I saw you figure out the time travel thing. I saw us split into teams to get the stones. That's where I intervened,” you paused. Sam gave your hip a gentle, supportive squeeze. You hadn’t told him what you’d seen yet, but he knew you. Knew you were trying to say something that had gone horribly wrong. 

“I asked Bruce for the extra Pym charge, and I asked Rocket for some information, and to help me get on the team that went to Asgard.”

You saw Thor straighten then. He’d begun to take care of himself again, though you knew he was still overwhelmingly sad and lonely, he seemed to be working his way out of the deep rut he’d been in. “I don’t recall actually getting the stone. I was too distracted by my- my mother. Rocket did not show me the stone either. I just assumed he had it.” Thor looked at you, an unidentifiable emotion on his face. “Why did you need to be on our team?”

“I needed the reality stone. Wong and Rocket helped me get an idea of how to use it. And then I needed the extra Pym charge to take me to Vormir.”

Natasha’s brow furrowed. “I was supposed to die, wasn’t I?” she asked calmly. Clint stiffened beside her.

“No, you died in my vision. You weren’t supposed to die. That’s why I fixed it,” you gave her a look that brooked no argument, and she smiled in return.

“I used the stone to make it look like Natasha had died. Clint and Vormir’s guardian had to believe that it had happened. The only way to get the stone was-” 

“To lose what you loved,” Clint finished for you. You nodded. “I had to believe it or it wouldn’t have worked.” You nodded again, though he hadn’t phrased it as a question.

“I’m really sorry you had to see that, Clint, but it was the only way I could think to make it work.” You really were sorry. You knew Clint sometimes woke from horrible nightmares, occasionally about his family disappearing again, but also about seeing Nat fall.

He shook his head, and you let the subject lie.

“No wonder you were so fucked up when we all got back,” Steve said quietly to Clint. Then he turned to you. “That’s not it, is it?”

“No.” You looked to Tony.

“The suit wouldn’t have held that much power,” Tony concluded. “I didn’t think it would, but I didn’t have the time to strengthen it. I just didn’t know-”

“I know,” you said. “I had FRIDAY make some tweaks when you weren’t looking.” If it was possible to look proud and affronted at the same time, that’s how you would have described Tony’s expression. “Then, using the info I’d gotten from Rocket, I figured out how to displace the power, instead of letting it hit you alone.” You nodded at Carol, Thor, and Wanda. “I pulled the strongest people I knew, and lined us all up behind you before grabbing your shoulder just as you used the stones. The power was distributed to all of us, and we were able to hold, and diffuse it with no ill effects. I don't think it’s something anyone could have thought to do in the moment, it only happened because I had that vision.” You looked at Nat and Tony again. “After all we’ve been through, I couldn’t live in a world without you guys. Any of you,” you added, looking at everyone.

Tony had his arm wrapped tight around Morgan. And you heard a muffled sob from just behind you, turning a little, you saw Pepper. You winced, you hadn’t intended her to hear this. She saw your expression and shook her head. “Thank you,” she mouthed before walking to Tony’s side. She gave him a kiss and held his free hand in a death grip.

Clint had a grip on Nat’s hand too. White lines formed at the corners of Thor’s mouth, and Wanda looked like she was having trouble processing all the emotions in the room, but her eyes focused on you. 

“Why didn’t you tell us all this?” Bruce asked; he’d been quiet the whole time, though he’d known you had something going on earlier than most.

“I was afraid that if I said something, it would change something. I had no clue what was safe and what wasn’t and I knew-” you cut off, shifting to grip Sam’s hand, clearing your throat. “I knew if everything happened as it should, the dusted people would come back. I couldn’t risk that getting fucked up, just like I couldn’t let what I saw happen to Tony and Nat.” You squeezed Sam’s hand. “I’m sorry I kept this from you all, but I really couldn't risk it.” You closed your eyes, tilting your face to look at the floor.

You heard someone approaching, and felt Sam shift, but you didn’t open your eyes until you felt a hand on your shoulder. Natasha stood in front of you. As you looked up at her, you heard another set of footsteps approach. Tony appeared behind her. Steadily, your whole family came close. Natasha pulled you up, and into a tight hug. You felt Sam rise from behind you, he kept a hand on your hip. Tony put a hand on your shoulder, squeezing. Steve gripped your other shoulder. Bruce had a hand on one of your arms, which were around Natasha, and Clint gripped your hand. Looking around the room at the others, you saw pain, and gratitude in every face. 

“Don’t keep shit like that to yourself again, you hear me?” Natasha grumbled, tears in her voice keeping her tone from being very threatening.

You let out a choked laugh. “I’ll do my best.”

“Clearly your best is damn good. I’ll take that any day,” Tony said. Tears were in his eyes, and there were tracks of them on his cheeks. “You did a good job, kid.”

“We’re proud of you.” Steve gave you a smile. Clint met your gaze and though his eyes were still warry, he gave you a smile, squeezing your hand.

Sam’s hand ran up and down your lower back as Natasha and the others stepped back. “You’re amazing, baby. You did good, just like always.” He wrapped his arm around you from behind and pressed a kiss to your temple. 

Everyone settled back into their seats before Steve spoke again. “Is that all you changed? Nothing else we need to know.”

You laughed a little, drawing everyone's gazes again. “Well I did change one more thing, it wasn’t big though.”

“What was it?” Steve asked. 

“I kept Scott from accidentally using a Pym Particle when he was talking about how they worked. That was the only way I could have one to use.”

Hope rolled her eyes, “seriously, Scott?” Clearly she was well aware of Scott’s inability to be smooth.

Scott’s face was beet red, but laughter filled the room. It seemed that the group would be able to move on from the news after all.

“I wasn’t gonna use it!” Scott insisted.

“If you had to be stopped, then yes, you were going to use it,” Hope argued, rolling her eyes. “You’re hopeless.”

The room filled with laughter and you felt a weight lift off your shoulders. Leaning back into Sam, you let a long sigh escape you. It was over. The world was readjusting to having its missing members back, and after 5 years, you knew it would take a while, but, looking around the room, you had hope for the future.

You had your family after all. Your family, and your Sam. Everything was as it should be.

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[zuffer-weird-girl]

can you do a story on S/O died when giving birth to kaito and kaito ask overhaul what his mother was like and overhaul almost start crying in the middle of explaining. and because kaito has the same eyes as S/O overhaul can't look him in the eye but kaito says I love you anyway daddy or something like that

laughs then cries* chisaki angsty folks why not??

They will pay. They will see what pain really means on the life of someone. They complain about not getting a good grade on school, complain about politics, heroes, not getting into a fucked up school where they teach more of those sick things.

He had to right to complain. Because different from those bastards, he lost the love of his life. Five years, five years that this happened, and his grief never went away. Never.

Especially when he had someone that reminded him every fucking second on how she died and how she looked.

He couldn't despise the brat, he was a remaining of your sweet and angelic person while still alive... yet he couldn't fulfill the promise you made him do, seconds before you passed away on that cursed hospital bed.

He couldn't love him like a real father should... he tried, really, but how..? The kid was one of the most many reasons that you were gone in the first place.

Yet at least he didn't treat him badly or like Eri... you would be very disappointed and disgusted at him, looking at both of you from heaven.

At least Kaito could bring one or two rare smiles to him. Q silly yet adoring thing that he did and reminded him of you... but most of the time, he passed his days with Pops, Chrono and rarely with other precepts.

He had a busy schedule ever since he decided that he was going to turn this world upside down... make those heroes suffer how he had been for the past years, erase quirks out of existence and put the world back in the way it was.

Retribuit Pops kindness and put his son on a world without sickness, that was his objective... you would want the same... right?

~

A woman appeared in front of him... was he dreaming? The last thing he remembered was grandpop putting him into bed, again without seing his father.

He squinted his eyes and tilted his head in confusion before the said woman cooed something that he couldn't catch it and cupped his cheeks, the eyes of her, same color as his, shined with something that he only saw it in cartoons...

Love, her eyes were full of love. And the warmth she bringed to him by only a touch was so magical... he wanted more. He needed more, he never had that kind of attention before.

Although when he extended his hands the woman gave him a sad smile and got away, the more he searched for her the more she got away, not wanting to but... doing it at the same time.

He called her back, how many times he didn't count, but he started to run and shout for her even... Come back... don't stop... don't leave me..!

"Mom..." he mumbled as his eyes opened, the gentle woman no where to be found... since he only met the roof of his quarters, grabby hands on the air as some tears rolled down his chubby cheeks and fell on the matress when got up.

That word... he never had the privilege to know his mother, and everyone he knew just refused to talk about it, especially when his dad was around... like some taboo or something.

But that dream... was that his mom? Was she really? She was so pretty, so warm... so lovely. Why did she go away?

He looked at the window, Ray's of the sun passing thorigh the glass and hitting the floor of his bedroom.

An idea popped into his little head, gulping at only thinking about it... but he needed to know. That dream was too much real to be only a... what his father would call, a "childish and stupid thing".

Without changing, the kid jumped from his bed and walked out of his room, looking at the halls for any signs of human life around.

His gaze met the so know green jacket, the man using it no other than his father, that funny mask always present on his face... the funniest thing, he had even saw uncle Rappa without that bird mask, but his dad? Never on his life.

He walked and hidded on a corner when he heard uncle Kurono passing through, greeting his dad and going straight to his room, probably going to wake him up to start the day.

He grabbed the end of his uncle, more like real father figurine, and tugged once or twice to catch his attention. The man hummed in annoyance but he soon took off his mask when he saw him there.

"Well, for once you're out of the bed early." He said nonchantly as Kaito lowered his head, Hari arched one eyebrow at that and sighed while crouching down.

"Spit it out, what has gotten into you?"

"... I had a dream."

"Bad one? Kid, us from the yakusa ccant be scared of a fu-"

"No." He lifted his head and stared at Kurono, the same look his father carried most of the time, serious. "It was... different."

"Different?" He asked, eyebrow still lifted up.

"I want to talk with dad." He changed the subject and Hair immediately winced at that, knowing how Chisaki felt about... Kaito.

"Please uncle Kurono..." he lowered his head and turned his tiny hands into fists "Is really important... no one will tell me about it and he is the one that can answer it.."

"Ouch. That hurt." He said sarcastically as the kid didn't even smirked only looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"You won't answer me neither!" He whispered shouted "No one in here talks about my mom! I dont even know how she looked like!"

His body frozen at that. The topic was burried some years ago, indeed, and anyone who commented was dead on the spot, the only remains of them were the blood spilled on the walls, the ones that Overhaul demanded him to clean up.

"Kid, is not a good idea... trust me."

"Please.." the (E/c)'s eyes of the kid started to tear up and he couldn't supress any longer... knowing even that Pops himself wasn't going to keep it a secret anymore.

In the elder's words, it was torture what Chisaki was doing with his own son, providing even the figurine of his mother to him.

He sighed and got up, leading Kaito to his dad's office... he knocked twice and Kaito felt his heartbeat increasing ten fold when a nonchantly and irritated "name and bussiness" echoed form behind that door.

Kurono said his name and opened the door. Golden, cold and uncaring eyes immediate going down on him as he tried to stood still.

"What's the meaning of this?" He asked nonchantly with a sigh as Hari sighed.

"He wanted to talk with you. Really, important thing." Hari said directly, sparing a glance at Kaito, whoose was looking down at his feet worriedly.

"...Dismissed." he said and Kurono left, closing the door as the kid gulped "You have at least five minutes."

He looked up at his father, golden eyes not lifting up from his paper work as him made his way to one of the couches to climb on.

"Dad... you... you can stop with that for one second? Listen to me?"

"I have my ears open." He said monotonously "I don't have to have my eyes on you to listen to whatever you have to say."

He gulped at that, each words felt like a slap on him.

"P-Please..?" He sluttered and looked down in favor of not feeling the glare of his father before he sighed and got up to sit on the couch in front of him.

"It better be important for you to interrupt my work."

"... h-how..." he took a shaky breath before getting the courage to look up at him "How does mom looked like?"

Now that was a sign hee clearly didn't expected to happen. His father had his arms crosses and one eyebrow lifted up befor ehe zaid those words, but after? His eyes went wide open and he seemed even more pale than his was already, his gloved hands clenching at his arms.

".. Pardon?"

"M-Mom.." he mumbled, poking his finger together "N-No one talks about her, and I wanted to know... how she was.. appearance and such..." a small smile formed into the kid's face as Kai's face itself fell.

God how he wanted to send this kid away to suffer on his own misery... yet he had pushed the topic away for years already, receiving even a scold from Pops from his actions.

"Why exactly you're asking this out of the sudden?" He sighed, burying his face on his gloved hand as his frow deepened.

"Curiosity..."

Both stayed in silence for a couple of minutes, the tension was in the air until Chisaki sighed deeply.

"You're such a pain..." Kaito winced but didn't take it the words to his heart as he listened carefully "Why your mother out of all the things...?" His voice breaked a little before he took one big breath and standed up, going to his desk and opening one drawer to take one small picture in his hands to sit down in front of his son again.

The kid frowned before his dad started to speak. Never looking on his eyes, gaze fixed on the photo that eh refused to show to him.

"Your mother was the most gentle and caring woman that I ever met... one pure of a kind on this sick world." His eyes carried sadness, Kaito was in shock at seing his father in such a state "I can't even describe her exactly, from how unique and precious she was..."

He sighed again and had the photo between his index finger and middle one, hesitantly handing the photo, gaze never leaving the floor.

Kaito widened his eyes and picked the photo eargly, (E/c)'s eyes shined at the sign in front of him. He picked a look at his father, whoose was glaring at the ground, head rested on his interlocked hands.

"Perfect (H/c) hair, soft and clean skin, voice melodious and sweet as honey and those-" he shakily breathed in as his eyes burned "Those goddamn beautiful eyes that you, of course, had to grab from her." He pointed blindly at his son who felt a bit attacked, but still holded the photo tight on his grip.

"One of the reasons I can't look at you properly... You just remind me too much of her..." he shakily exhale but arched one eyebrow at noticing his son gripped his little chest as a giggle escaped from him.

He dated to look at the kid, tears spilling from his eyes as he giggled at the image.

"It is her.." he whispered "Mom." he hugged the photo tight as he cried a bit as Kai could stare with a bit of disgust ye heartbroken eyes.

How could this kid cry over you since he didn't even met you?

He wanted to rip the photo out of his son hands, but only stared blankly at him. Waiting for when he got tired of it... his eyes burning like flames, yet he refused to spare one single tear in front of this kid.

The kid sniffled after a few minutes or almost an hour and hesitantly gave the photo back to his father, whose immediately took it back with a scoff.

"So that's why you don't like me?" The kid mumbled sadly looking up at Kai who wouldn't met his eyes "I remind you too much of mom?"

His heart clenched at his words but he still maintaned his cold and uncaring nature, looking at your photo instead of his son.

"Is not that. You're my son. That's it." He said coldly as Kaito smiled a bit, happy at least to not hear that his father didn't actually hated him.

"Go. Is time for your lessons." He said bitterly as Kaito hesitantly nodded, opening the door only to stop a bit and call for his father, him finally looking at him in the eyes and almost breaked down.

"I still love you dad... And I'm sure that mom love you as well." He smiled and Kai swore that he saw not only the image of his son... but he saw you there. Smilling at him. Lefting his office.

'No matter where I am, or what you do, I will love you until the end... Chisaki Kai'

Yoir voice echoes in his mind as Kaito closed the door... his hand holding the picture shaking slightly as the tears started to fall down, from his eyes and smothering his mask and even dripping down the floor.

He put your photo down on the coffee table as he stood up, him getting up and letting out a shout as he punched so hard the wall that his gloved hand started to bleeding and the wall breaked.

"Dammit... dammit..!" He whispered as the tears fell, shoulders shaking as he rested his head on the wall "Why...? Why you had to leave so soon (Y/n)?" He didn't even thought about how dirty the floor was dirty as he hitted his back on the wall and sitted down, letting his tears fall freely

"Why... god, why did you take my angel away...?" He clenched the back of his head as he cried silently on his shoulders.

~

"You look happy. More than usual my boy." Pops smiled at his grandson looking down at the paper in front of him "Saw a blue bird or something?" He chuckled as the boy smiled widely at him.

"Nah! I saw mommy!" The elder had almost a heart attack at the boy's words.

"What?"

"Yeah! I was dreaming and she appeared! But she didn't stay much though..." he mumbled that part a bit sadly as the elder got out from his shocked state and smiled at the boy, caressing his dark brow looks as he sitted down with him.

"Your mom surely loved you dearly kid.. She is always watching over you, the love of a mother is stronger than anything else."

The eyes of the kid shined at the old man's words as he looked up at him.

"Really?"

"Really."

Both had their attention turned to the door where Chisaki appeared, face more obscure than usual as he looked at Kaito. Pops immediatly got on guard as Kai made a signal with his hand for the kid to follow him.

The kid got up along with the old man as he sended a look to Chisaki. The young man only stared blankly back as he got out of the room without much of a word at his son followed him quietly.

Pops, afraid of kai doing something with the kid, followed a bit after to make sure nothing happened as Kai stopped at one door of the house and opened with a key.

Kai got in the room and pointed with his palm at the inside for his kid to enter as he grabbed one lighter.

"What is this place dad? I never see it." Kai walked past his son and lighten a tiny flame and touched at least four candles of it, lighten them up.

"This is a shrine." He said nonchantly as mentioned for his son to kneel besides him "We pay respect for the people who are gone from this world."

Kai sighed and took out of his pocket q photo of you and out right on the center to look at his son nonchantly.

"The respect you have towards your mother even without meeting her once is... appreciated. So this place will be for only both us." He looked at the photo with a broken look "Pay respect and... talk, whenever necessary."

Kaito's eyes and smile widened at that as Kai scoffed and left the room, leaving his son looking at the shrine he made in the afternoon.

He got out and immediately got in front of Pops, who had his arms crossed, a pitiful look on his eyes but a smirk on his lips.

"What a nice change boy... She would be happy at that. Even honored."

He scoffed at that, lowering his gaze to hide his sadness as he mumbled a excuse to leave as Pops looked his sucessor leaving the hall with a worried look... only to look at his grandson talking happily and dare he say embarrassed with the shrine as you yourself were there...

At least that the kid could have thst at least now.

[vex-bittys]

Flufftober 2020: Day Twelve

Prompt: The Perfect Gift

Pairing: Fellswap Gold Skelebros

Category: Familial

----------

It’s difficult to plan the perfect gift for your brother’s graduation from stripes to monster adulthood when you’re so busy worrying about his future. Thankfully, Wine prided himself on his strategizing. He started by listing all of the reasons that he worried about his brother, whom he affectionately called Coffee. If he listed his worries, he could organize and solve them more efficiently before turning his attention to the gift choices.

Wine’s primary concern involved the dangerous nature of their universe. Monsters in stripes enjoyed relative safety in the Underground, but adult monsters were always at risk of attack by ambitious monsters seeking to increase their status. Coffee possessed no combat skills; he hated conflict and avoided it whenever possible. The solution for this issue led Wine to his second source of worry: the party.

In order to guarantee Coffee’s safety (as much as anyone’s safety could ever truly be guaranteed), Wine had arranged a grandiose party for the milestone celebration. Many powerful monsters would be attending, showing that Coffee boasted powerful allies who would retaliate against anyone who harmed him. The Queen herself had RSVPed to the event! Wine hoped the sight of a Queen, a Royal Guard Captain, and a variety of influential guests would ensure that no monster dared to threaten his brother.

The party itself presented the third major worry that took up residence in Wine’s thoughts: Coffee would not enjoy the spectacular celebration at all. Wine’s brother became very uncomfortable in social situations. He disliked talking to others and being the center of attention. Thus far, Wine had not devised a solution to his brother’s social aversion. The party needed to happen, and Coffee needed to mingle. Forcing his brother into such a situation, whether for his own good or not, did not sit well with Wine.

The solution dawned on him like the sun that he hoped to someday see: he could kill two proverbial birds with one brilliant idea… if Muffet agreed to help him.

Thankfully, Muffet adored Coffee, so when Wine proposed his master plan to her, she agreed to help without argument or repayment.

Time careened forward as it often did when deadlines needed to be met. Working diligently, Muffet combined her talents with spider silk with Wine’s abundance of magic to craft a gift worthy of Coffee’s new status as an adult. The day of the grand event arrived, and with the party only a few hours away, Wine knocked on the door to his brother’s bedroom.

Coffee opened the door just a crack to see who might want to speak to him, and when he saw his older brother waiting on the other side, he threw the door wide open in welcome. Wine quickly assessed the room for threats, tactical advantages, and escape routes, a habit he’d developed as Captain of the Royal Guard. This room was where Coffee felt the most comfortable, surrounded by the things he enjoyed the most, all gifts from Wine intended to provide a happy life for his brother.

Coffee had a video game paused, the controller abandoned on the floor when Coffee got up to answer Wine’s knock. Rubik’s cubes and other puzzles were scattered about, and an army of figurines marched across the dresser top. Blankets and an overabundance of pillows hid the bed, and Coffee’s clothes were sorted in numerous piles in a system that only made sense to him.

Coffee stood in the center of the room, his private retreat, and wrung his hands, nervous about the upcoming social event. Wine gave his brother a gentle smile and held up the box that contained his brother’s gift. Coffee took the box reverently. He opened the gift by carefully untaping each end and sliding the box out, leaving the wrapping paper intact and tube-shaped. Wine chuckled warmly at this typical behavior of his brother’s. All of Coffee’s idiosyncrasies made him who he was, and Wine took a great deal of comfort in the routine-ness of them.

“NO MORE STRIPES FOR YOU, DEAR BROTHER,” Wine announced as Coffee lifted the lid off of the box. “I THOUGHT YOU WOULD ENJOY THIS PARTICULAR ARTICLE OF CLOTHING INSTEAD.”

Coffee lifted a black hoodie out of the box. The hoodie material felt extremely soft, and when he pulled it on over his skull, the fabric wrapped around him like a comforting hug. The hood allowed him to hide his face so he didn’t feel so exposed. He lifted one soft hoodie string to his mouth and chewed the end of it. 

“i like it,” Coffee said quietly as Wine led him to a full-length mirror in the hallway. It took a moment for Coffee to actually look at himself in the mirror, but when he did, he gasped in delight. The hoodie read “Nervous Guy” when he first saw the lettering on it, but the words changed to “Happy Guy” as soon as the skeleton noticed the words and smiled.

“NOW YOU CAN EXPRESS YOURSELF WITHOUT NEEDING TO SPEAK,” Wine explained unnecessarily. Coffee gave him a rare and cherished hug, and Wine savored it with closed sockets before speaking again. “THERE’S ANOTHER GIFT IN THE BOX TOO.”

Coffee darted back into his room. Underneath the hoodie, the box contained a spiral-bound book with blank pages and a marker. Coffee already had sketchbooks, so he looked to Wine for a (necessary this time) explanation of the gift.

“THE PEN NEVER RUNS OUT OF INK, AND THE BOOK NEVER RUNS OUT PAGES,” said Wine. “IF YOU AREN’T COMFORTABLE TALKING, YOU CAN WRITE WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY IN THE NOTEBOOK.”

Coffee sniffled, tears gathering in his sockets. Wine truly understood him. Coffee had been so afraid of adulthood, so afraid of the implications of a social gathering that focused on him alone. He should have known that Wine would take care of him. He always did.

Leaning over the notebook, Coffee wrote a few words on the very first page, turning them to show his brother.

The lettering of Coffee’s hoodie (which now read “Grateful Guy”) and the message scribbled in the notebook blurred as Wine wiped tears from his own sockets. He and Coffee shared yet another of their treasured embraces, and the notebook laid on the floor, open to the page with the words “Best Brother Ever” written on it.

READ ON AO3

DAY ELEVEN | INDEX | DAY THIRTEEN

[underworldwitxh]

Suga

Pairing: Shouji Mezo/Fem!reader

Rating: T

Warnings: short reader, fluff all the fluff… you’ve been warned. 

Song: Suga Boom Boom - down3r

Prompt: “don’t go far from me”

A/N: this is written for the bnharem Valentine’s day collab. i chose Shouji. i hope yall like this, it was really fun to write. to see the other works in the collab click here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You and your boyfriend Mezo Shouji, had decided to go out to the mall to celebrate valentine’s day. When you arrived both of you were taken back by the sheer amount of people out in droves at the mall today. You immediately grabbed Mezo’s hand, your social anxiety kicking in. Mezo smiled gently down at you, he squeezes your hand. 

He changed one of his limbs into a mouth as he whispered to you “Darling, if it would make you feel better we can go somewhere else. Ok?” You shake your head no, looking up at the towering man. At 187 centimeters your boyfriend towered over your 152 centimeter frame. While it was sometimes a hassle, like when you wanted to kiss him. For the most part it was a nice thing. He could carry you if your legs got too tired from trying to keep up with his larger stride. Not only that but he was obscenely strong because of all the training he did for his hero work. 

So you while you knew you were safe, you still clung to Mezo’s hand and stayed close to his side. “Please dont far from me, Mezo?” Your quiet voice called out, if he wasn’t so in tune to listening to your softly spoken words, he would have missed them. He grips your hand tighter and squeezes softly. The two of you continue to wander the mall. Eventually you settle on going to watch a movie at the theater. When you get to the counter and you see that they’re still playing Birds of Prey you squeaked. You’d been wanting to see that movie for some time, since Suicide Squad in fact. You loved Harley Quinn and had actually cosplayed as her for a few conventions around the area. To say you were a fan would be an understatement. Once you bought your tickets and snacks the two of you went to find seats in the theater. 

After the movie the two of you went back to wandering around the mall. Even with the it being as crowded as it was you still had a good time. You were able to get something for Mezo and he got you something as  well. You both decided to wait until you got back to the apartment you shared before giving the other your gifts. You had picked up an order you had placed at one of those kiosks that made custom plaques, it said “Hero of my heart” with a candid picture of the two of you standing in a park gazebo while sakura flowers floated around you it also had the date you two had started dating and there was places on it for other important dates to be added. The kioski worker told you that if you wanted dates added that it was a free service they offered to patrons. It was beautiful and you were grateful that one of Mezo’s fans had sent him the picture of the two of you. You were excited to see what mezo had gotten for you and you tried to get the towering man to tell you by badgering him. Hed just chuckle at you softly and shake his head. You pouted cutely when he would shake his head at you. All that made him do was carrasse your hair and lean down to nuzzle your hair snickering at you. 

Mezo, wouldn’t give you any hints as to what he had gotten you but he just told you. You’d love it. Well that was a bit presumptuous of him because he honestly didn’t know if you would love it, he hoped you would because it would make him the happiest man in the world. The small box burned a hole in his coat pocket where he stashed it before he came back to collect you from where you were getting his gift. 

The moment the two of you arrived at your apartment. You went to your shared bedroom and pulled a few more gifts you had gotten for Mezo. While he went to the closet in the hallway to grab the rest of your presents. To say that the two of you had gotten the other a lot would be an understatement. Not that there was anything wrong with that of course. You loved each other so it was only natural that you wanted to get the other something special. When the two of you met back in the living room you both had a couple packages for the other. You smile brightly as you hand Mezo your gifts. And while you cant see it you just know he’s smiling as well from the way his eyes crinkle at the corners. He hands you almost all your gifts, he does keep one of them back. 

You open one bag and find a gift certificate to your favorite store that sold hero merch, you already knew what you were getting. One of the limited edition Tentacole figurines and Anima figurines seeing as you loved supporting the quiet man. That and it made Mezo laugh when you would fangirl  one of his old classmates. The next bag contained one of those build-a-bear stuffed animals. When you cuddled the bear you felt a heartbeat and then heard Mezo’s voice telling you he loved you. You teared up because you had mentioned once that you would love to have one of these for when he went on those long missions and couldn’t call home. You hugged him tightly, tears in your eyes as you open the last gift which caused you to tilt your head in confusion. All it said was “Darling, when we first met i didn’t know then how much you would become important to me. Everyday with you doesn’t feel like enough. So Darling look up because I have an important question for you” reading the letter confused you a bit but when you did as the letter asked. You gasped because there in the center of the living room floor was the man you loved so much on one knee with a jewelry box in his hands. “Darling, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Mezo asked, his mask around his neck as he looked at you with pure love in his eyes. 

Your eyes widened and your hands flew to your face as you took in the scene before you started nodding vigorously and screamed out “YES!! OH MY GOD!! MEZO YES A HUNDRED TIMES YES!” You launched yourself at him your arms going around his neck as you kissed his mouth crying and mumbling how happy you were and that you loved him so much. After that you made him open his gifts. To say he wasn’t emotional would be a lie. When he saw the plaque his eyes teared up, he remembered that day. It was on one of your first dates. Both of you were so nervous. When he saw the other gifts he got equally emotional. He loved you and the fact you had gotten him things both for here at home and for his office just made him love you more. He immediately set up the plague on one of the shelves around the apartment. 

To say today was a blessing would be to sell it short. The love you have for each other is something that only happens once in a lifetime. And you each made sure to appreciate it.