#the biggest change is not having the illness define your thoughts anymore

[acts-of-paul-and-thecla]

Hey ik we never talked but it truly makes me happy to see that you're getting better. That's hard and you're doing it. I'm so proud of you and I only wish you the best in life. It really gives me hope that all of us can recover eventually <3

<33 im glad that i could help in that way, at least a little

i know its what everyone says, but recovery is the most brilliant and life changing thing in the world. it was very difficult in the beginning, but it gets easier and easier - i hope you are doing well, and that you keep on fighting and that one day it will all be alright for you

[glacierbash]

mac bestie!!! i think... u should do the bingo for paracelsus and or audrey darkest dungeon,,,

my creatures. my blorbos. the first characters who i liked so much i questioned if i had autism. even though i barely talk about DD anymore does not change the fact these two hold a special place in my heart. now beginning under the read more bc i have THOUGHTS

for paracelsus. i feel the need to scream at the way i see some people talk about her and i straight up cannot say just yes or no if she was horrible because YES on the surface we see a callous and cruel and detached woman so focused on her science and her medicine that she's willing to do the unthinkable. but then we think about how deeply it scarred her, her deep potential to care about people, and the fact that she's ultimately one of the heroes of dd1+2, it's hard to say she's a HORRIBLE person. bad person? Absolutely. a person on the path to redemption? entirely. a horrible person? nah. (to be clear, claiming she's never done anything wrong in her life IS biased but I am the biggest paracelsus fan out there so I have the right to say so).

and also the amount of people calling her a milf or some shit is incorrect. that's a disgusting 24-25 year old who wants to study your injuries and keep samples of your pus. fucker's got no game, who you callin' a MILF.

audrey I am slightly less mentally ill about but only by a few mental inches. good lord this woman is terrible. i cannot defend her at all EXCEPT I CAN BECAUSE IF MY HUSBAND WAS THAT AWFUL I WOULD MURDER HIM TOO! FUCKING GET IT GIRLBOSS! everything else about her is terrible though. i refuse to believe she's not a lesbian though. remember when plaguerobber was defined by the one bark about audrey knowing a doctor that owed her a favor? i do. i remember that. I still stand by that. but also ultimately i think audrey's a terrified woman who wrestles with guilt, not of her actions, but of getting caught. she's a character who i refuse to believe fully understands the weight of the situation but also in my heart i believe she could be selfless and save a life, she'd just refuse to acknowledge it and gripe at you afterwards for pointing out what she did. talk to me more about paracelsus and audrey and plaguerobber oh my GOD i'm gnashing my teeth

[mc-critical]

Glad to see you’re back to taking asks!❤️ I hope all is well for you!

A bit of a simpler one this time around, I felt like Gülfem closer to the end of season 4 started to come off a bit..ingenuine to me? If that’s the right word? I mean she spent previous seasons partaking in plots against Hürrem and what seemed like hating her or at the very least expressing open disapproval of her actions and what she stood for to..consoling Hürrem’s restless conscience after Hürrem was diagnosed with a terminal illness? I just remember her saying things like she should be proud of the life she lived, that she wasn’t a bad person, that she shouldn’t think of her illness as a punishment etc etc. I suppose we could give Gülfem the benefit of the doubt and say that she saw no point in openly opposing Hürrem anymore (like Fatma or Mahidevran felt towards the end) but why not just leave the palace as they did? Perhaps they kept her around for the sake of the story but I feel like they didn’t do much with her arc past that point, they just did a time jump then revealed to us in a flashback she died? I think I’m just more confused than anything. Why not keep Gülfem’s feelings towards Hürrem at least somewhat consistent like Mahi/Fatma?

I'm fine, thank you! ❤❤ I closed my ask box mostly due to school work, the end of the year exams can be intense heh

I definetly get your sentiments since that sure seems to be an inconsistency to Gülfem's character at first glance. It may indeed turn out as a contrast to the remainder of what we have seen.

It isn't such a big problem for me, however, because we have to take two things into consideration:

Gülfem's stance of Hürrem plays a part in reflecting the tone of the final episodes of S04. The whole last chunk of the show before Hürrem's death did its best in recognizing her alleged legacy in ways it hadn't before. It suddenly began acknowledging her power, showing SS prove considerably more affection than ever before (that makes the most narrative sense out of everything, but still), folk praising her for the first time ever and most notably, various characters in the show, with positive, ambiguous and negative relationship with her alike, either praising her or consoling her. Gülfem is one of the more neutral characters in the castle and the most nurturing one, the one most able to empathize and console. It is only fitting to give her such a role to fit the message the writers want to deliver. Acknowledging Hürrem's legacy just now and like this is truly as much of a copout as it is fanservice, but at least it's not completely out of nowhere (especially the acknowledgment of her fondations) and they do give us some consistency with what Gülfem does along with everyone else in this whole ordeal.

S04 extends on Gülfem's role as a conscience character-wise, besides utilizing it in favor of the narrative voice. In these last episodes in particular, she seems to be the conscience of everyone in the castle, given her nature and that she's the last person left there who could do that. That includes Süleiman, as well as it includes Hürrem.

These things aren't presented in the best way, writing-wise, and could be sometimes more subtle than necessary. Gülfem herself could be a little underdeveloped as a character and has comparatively lesser screentime than the rest of the main and secondary cast. Her conscience is her clear role in the narrative, but her relationships, with the exception of Hatice (and the other sisters of SS to an extent), aren't as well defined. Look at her relationship with Mahidevran, for example: we got hints of their supposed past rivalry, we got hints of resentment, but these hints only turned into an inconsistent mess. There were much more scenes where they were in good terms with each other and anything else was so few and far in between, it only appeared to be a contrast. We got no true perspective of their past in Manisa and Gülfem's more personal opinion on Mahidevran, leaving it only as a static, but pretty good relationship. (which is why I'm grateful that S03 removed this set-up of their relationship, rendering it still not that well fleshed out, but more consistent.)

In a similar fashion, we never got a proper exploration of how exactly she felt about Hürrem, too. What I think I can say with confidence though is that certainly didn't hate her - Gülfem is a very patient and just woman, which I can only admire her for. She is a voice of reason, trying her best to be unbiased in her outlooks and stand for what is right. She has happened to knock Hürrem down a peg, but not because she disliked her, but because she thought she was crossing the line or offending the people she cares about. The closest we got to a look into a tiny resentment of Gülfem's of Hürrem was when Hürrem used her to make Mahidevran lose her rulership of the harem. It's normal that Gülfem would harbor such feelings, knowing that she didn't do anything to Hürrem before that and only supported her about Mahidevran wanting Valide's chambers. Being used in an intrigue like that clearly hurt her and her willing to stand even more against Hürrem was hinted at a little, but once again, that was a very short conflict. It would be a decent transition if the writers wanted that for Gülfem, but they didn't. It would run against Gülfem's forgiving nature at this point to hate Hürrem. Gülfem just is notorious in putting the past behind her. {hence on a thematic note, her backstory and origins not only didn't get revealed to us except for a few scenes, similarly to Mahidevran (Mahidevran got flashbacks, at least), but she, in contrast to both Mahidevran and Hürrem, has already adapted to her present, knowing that she cannot bring back what she has lost. And her adaption has already happened, it's not made out to be a character arc within the series.} Her feelings for Hürrem aren't kept consistent, because there isn't much to be kept consistent. Mahidevran and Fatma both have pivotal dynamics with Hürrem that play a major role in the narrative as they both play a more major part of the story. Gülfem and Hürrem's relationship as a whole seemed to have both its good and bad moments (as Hürrem herself recalled in E133) and the good moments were usually when both consoled someone and Gülfem consoling Hürrem now doesn't seem this strange anymore.

Gülfem also seems to put her own feelings behind her in favor of those of the others, probably in result of her huge loss. She always comforts the others, is there for them and shows her moral support. She seems to identify herself in their own struggles. That, I feel, gives her the ability to sympathize even with those she presumably doesn't like, because she's very open and honest overall. I don't think it's ingenuine, because Gülfem never showed signs of hypocrisy. Not to mention that every hypocrisy there is in the franchise, we know of: either through previously fully established dynamics, direction or character motive. (or at least that's a pattern I have noticed) I don't think they would put Gülfem, out of everyone, in such position. This consolation of Hürrem may have been moulded a bit, but it's certainly not ingenuine and runs in line with who she is. Besides, she did say she forgives Hürrem for every possible offense in E133. I think that clears the whole thing up.

I wouldn't say that Gülfem had no arc at all in S04, as well. [I wouldn't see them leaving her just for the story, either, because aside from E59-63, Gülfem usually didn't move the story in any significant way. They probably left her because she was the moral compass of the palace and she was one of the first characters after all, for her to stay as much as she can.] She doesn't have too much in the way of development or arc in the rest of the show, probably because she didn't have much to develop on her own and the writers didn't want to really flesh her out. The only thing she could develop is her relationships and most of them also didn't leave room for development (not even Hürrem, because she didn't do that much against her, except for the S02 finale, correct me if I'm wrong?), except for one: her relationship with Süleiman. Gülfem wants to preserve justice and Süleiman began to act completely counter of that. It's not a built-up arc, but it's only by S04 where SS's shadiest actions began to reach their peak, so only then would it begin to happen. Because she valued Süleiman before then.

She valued him to the point she dismissed his faults in the strife between his women and asked him the comfort question of whether he is happy with them when he called her to talk in E15. Their joint scenes had their continuation only by S04 where she similarly acted as his conscience after Hürrem's death. For she was the one close enough to him for him to confide in. Many people confided in Gülfem through the series, but Süleiman is one of the people that did it the most and it was as if this consoling went beyond the sheer usual support for her.

And what happens afterwards? The table begins to turn after Bayezid's execution. That angle is looked upon only after the time skip and during the flashback in E139, but it shows by its own merit alone a change, an evolution of Gülfem's opinion of SS and a reverse approach of her role as a conscience: Gülfem is so patient and understanding, but she has finally snapped. She has finally met her limit. In her words to SS in the scene we see how his actions have put themselves in a conflict far beyond what she can bear. She can no longer excuse him, she can no longer justify him.

That scene showed us her realization that he has the biggest part of the blame in the misfortunes in the palace. ("Even leaf cannot fall without your approval!") And she wanted to end him for that. I know it looks like this happened almost overnight, maybe looked a little too edgy and may feel like a contrived attempt to make an exit for her character, but it works well enough with me. Because after all, she has truly went through a lot and that suffering didn't even begin from Topkapı. It's only natural she would try to kill the root of the suffering for good. And here, for once, she stands up for herself, too, along with calling out all the unfortunate and devastating events.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Blood Red Heat prt 39

Lance was wild. How someone could operate semi-humanly while hacking his lungs up was going to be his omega’s new defining moment. Mornings had never been Lance’s best friend, nor Keith’s, but it seemed to be time they both woke up with the need to touch each other... Then, as Lance had improved, they’d done less touching and more “Lance dragging him from Red to go for a morning walk with Kosmo, despite the chill in the air leaving the omega coughing”. They had the same problem at night. Lance would want to sit up with the pack, but the cold air aggravated his lungs.

The pack had been really good with him. When Pidge started tinkering with her comms, she actually took the time to explain what she was doing to Lance. When Hunk needed to collect herbs, he invited Lance along, given their walks were never as far as Lance insisted on going in the mornings. Their first walk had been to Black, the closest of the five lions to Red. Lance could now make to Green before needing to rest, then Yellow. Yellow was the limit, the first time he’d had to support Lance back, because his omega didn’t want to be carried. Allura let Lance play with her hair, then Romelle asked him to do her hair too... Krolia was still a challenge, his mother trying to talk to Lance had ended up with Lance kind of squeaking, and apologising for being ill. When his mother hugged Lance, Lance turned red as he held his breath, Keith choosing not to save him immediately because with Lance being a permanent addition to their family, he had to learn to cope with Krolia sooner rather than later.

Shiro took a little longer to warm back up to. Lance wanted to be close to him, but sometimes he couldn’t find the right words, so would move closer to Keith for comfort. His brother seriously fearing Lance didn’t like him anymore, until Lance finally found the words to explain he sometimes got a bit overwhelmed and confused as he wasn’t used to having his omega talking to him. Keith getting jealous when their little sign for this would be Lance holding onto Shiro’s hand or leg. When they were alone, Lance could articulate most of what he wanted to say, but there were clear signs he’d forget or get muddled when he really tried to concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. Coran seemed to think it was all exhaustion and would work its self out slowly as Lance began being able to stay awake longer and longer.

Then Lance went and surprised him. Krolia had started teasing him over how lazy he’d become. When Keith had sent his boyfriend a pleading look, Lance had waved him off to train with his mother and Kosmo. His mother was mercilessly. Training felt good after being so stagnant, but every muscle throbbed as he dragged himself into Black to shower and change. Black laughing at his exhaustion, always his biggest supporter right there. Unintentionally he’d kind of fallen asleep on his bed, his bed so inviting after being made to run laps around all 5 lions... the lions were massive... and life wasn’t fair.

Panicking hard over falling asleep, he’d rushed outside to find the sun had set. Jogging into camp to find Lance and apologise his arse off for not being there for him, Hunk tricked him. Playing up that Lance needed alone time, he sent him running off to find Lance who’d “wandered away from camp and refused to come back”. Their friends were wankers. Lance had wandered away from camp, to set up a picnic for the pair of them. Sitting on the blanket with Kosmo, the space was lit with two emergency lights. Keith not knowing he was walking into a picnic until he’d come to the edge of the blanket

“Babe?”

Staring up at the night sky, Lance shifted his gaze to him, smiling up in a way that went straight to Keith’s heart

“Hey, you”

“Hey, yourself. Been here long?”

“A little while. Come sit down next to me”

Sitting beside Lance, Lance moved the blankets he had around his shoulders to cover both their shoulders, Kosmo whining disinterestedly at his arrival. Lance didn’t seem overly sad. There was nothing in his scent that pointed to him being upset

“Hunk said you’d wandered off wanting to be alone”

“That’s because I asked him to. I’m sorry, you would have worried, but I wanted to do something nice for you. It’s not much in the way of dinner, and it’s cold now, I thought a picnic under the stars would be nice”

Keith couldn’t quite believe it

“You... organised something for me?”

“Yeah. The others helped, before you tell me off for pushing myself. I know caring for a person is hard and I wanted to show that I appreciate you”

Smiling at him so sincerely, Lance was the prettiest omega he’d ever met

“You didn’t have to”

“I wanted to. Hunk helped me cook. And I had a nap earlier while you were sleeping so I’d be awake enough to do this tonight”

“Babe... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to crash out”

“You needed it. I saw how hard Krolia pushed you today”

His mother’s hard training now made sense

“Why am I now getting the feeling she was in on this?”

“Because she was. No big surprise, but it’s soup again. And some herbs that are meant to resemble a salad”

“No meat?”

Lance elbowed him softly in the side

“No. If there were chickens I could have cut and gutted one, but there wasn’t”

Keith was instantly in awe. Living on space whale he’d had to learn how to catch and kill animals to break the monotony of plant based dinners, Krolia had to teach him more than he’d ever wanted to know

“You know how to do that?”

“I come from a farming family. How do you think I knew how to milk a cow?”

“That’s... fair. You didn’t have to do anything special for me”

“I did and I do. Sick Lance is kind of an arsehole”

“Nah, not an arsehole. I will give you that you’re stubborn”

Lance sighed a sigh that Keith couldn’t quite place. Despite being happy, there was something there that tugged at him

“Babe?”

“Sorry. I was thinking about home before you came. You didn’t... okay, my home was always super super busy. Even if you were sick, you still helped out. If your hands were free, you’d fill them. That kind of thing”

Oh. He didn’t know what to say to that. Lance had a loving family from the sounds of everything he’d said

“That sounds...”

“Hard? Yeah. It was. There was a time I was really mad at my parents, but I’m over that. Anyway, you should eat”

“What about you?”

“Don’t worry, I’m going to eat too. Hunk made me eat earlier, then Pidge let me nap against her...”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Romelle is totally becoming a bad arse too. Shiro was helping her and Allura train. Coran kept throwing in suggestions but they didn’t go well”

It sounded like Lance had had a good day without him. Keith feeling kind of lonely to have missed it, not that he’d say so. Lance needed his pack and they’d all finally stopped reapologising to each other

“So why under the stars?”

“I used to love watching the stars when I was a kid. My siblings and I would make up dumb stories, then my Mami would come yell at us all for being outside”

“Why do I feel like she had a lot to deal with?”

“She did. There was never a moment of peace at home in Cuba. Cousins and siblings and chores... and a son that didn’t confirm to the standards of being an omega”

“That’s not on you. That’s no more your fault than... well, anything”

Lance chuckled as he snuggled close

“You’ve gotten better with your words, but it’s reassuring that you’re still you under all that rugged and grizzled appearance”

“I didn’t ask to grow up”

“I know. I know that it would have been hard, even with a mission to preoccupy yourself with. We’ll throw it on the therapy pile how insecure I am about my looks when my alpha is smoking hot”

“Says you”

“Dude, literally, have you seen yourself in a mirror? Omegas and betas are going to be queuing up just to catch a glance of Voltron’s sexy leader”

“Leaders, babe”

Lance hummed his disagreement, Keith kissing his boyfriend’s hair, using Lance’s words against him

“You really do have shockingly little faith in yourself”

“I look like a walking skeleton”

“Because you nearly died. I don’t care if you never have curves or whatever it is omegas think they need. As long as you’re healthy”

“Can I take a pass on going there right now? I don’t want to start wallowing over myself again when I want to spend the night out here with you”

“Fine, but only because it’s you”

“Thanks, babe. Anyway, let’s eat”

*

The soup really was cold. The salad a game of picking the herbs that didn’t taste awful on their own. Kosmo trying something that he obviously hated the taste of, his wolf taking off back towards the main camp as if he’d been betrayed. Pushing the remains of their dinner down the other end of the blanket, the pair of them laid next to each other under the stars, hand in hand

“Babe, how many stars do you think we’ve actually seen up close?”

“Me or you?”

“Either, either”

That was hard. They’d seen a lot of space, and yet they’d seen so very little of it

“No where near all of them?”

Lance’s snort told him he’d gotten the answer right. This was actually kind of nice, like way back when space hadn’t been all of this. When there were still mysteries out there that were mysteries and not an alarming gap in their intel

“Yeah... yeah, that’s true. Keith... do you wonder if maybe we’re still in the game?”

Rolling to his side, Keith leaned in to kiss Lance softly

“No. I did for a bit, but not anymore”

“I’ve been wondering why I’m taking all of this so calmly. We all apologised again, and I think I’m okay with that, but after so long... this kind of feels like a dream”

Keith bit back pointing out Lance hadn’t been all that calm when he’d been sicker

“We’ve got our second dynamics back, and I don’t know about your omega, but my alpha has been pretty nonstop”

“I don’t... my head feels busy. It feels weird...”

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“Both. Sometimes I feel ok and others I feel so on edge that it feels like everything will break”

“Depression and anxiety will do that to you. Plus, you need to cut yourself a break. You presented really late”

“I know. Maybe that’s why I keep wondering if this is all a dream?”

“I promise you it’s all very real. We’re here together”

Nosing into Lance’s cheek, his omega’s scent filled him with warmth. Reminding Keith he had another question to ask

“I know this is a bit late, but do you mind when I call you “omega”?”

“At first it kind of... didn’t feel right, but I can hardly deny it after spending your rut and my heat together”

“I’m sorry it was such a huge burden on your body”

“It’s okay. And... honestly, it did get better. You’re a kind alpha”

“I’m not so sure about that. I did get... rather... passionate”

Lance snorted again, tilting his head to kiss Keith’s cheek just short of his lips

“I am. You... were very good to me”

Keith sighed as he forced himself to roll back. Lance was very very tempting, more so than Pike

“You’re going to wake my alpha up again if we keep talking about sex”

“Maybe I want to...”

“Babe?”

This time Lance rolled to face him, his omega walking his fingers up Keith’s chest and bopping him lightly on the tip of his nose

“You... me... under the stars”

Keith wasn’t not interested, but he did wonder with all Lance’s questioning if this was a dream

“I thought you were recovering”

“I am. I also had a talk with Coran today too. He didn’t say rush into sex, but he did say that if I wanted to be intimate with you, that was my choice and it’s my body. He also went on and on about honour, and how you were a very honourable man... and how you reacted at the idea of me being knotted to save my life”

Keith had been furious and sick to his stomach at the thought that could be the only way

“I didn’t want to... not without your consent. You sound like you had a very busy day”

“I know. And kind of, but not really at the same time... I just... being in love with Allura was tiring. I couldn’t blame her for not loving me back, and I didn’t understand how... How I couldn’t be enough. On the other hand, you... These last few however long it’s been... it’s made me feel... infinity better. It’s... easy with you. I feel like... I’m waiting for your every word and to see what comes next for us. That makes me sound pretty pathetic”

Lifting their hands, Keith kissed the back of Lance’s

“I don’t think it does. I just honestly don’t want you to feel rushed or that I won’t be interested because we don’t have a super intense sex life. I want to do this right”

“I know you do... I hate the term “making love”... but I can’t think of how else to word it. I want to make love to you under all these stars before everything gets hectic again. I want to try to work harder on concentrate on making these small happy moments with you”

“I don’t want to aggravate your lungs...”

“Babe, my lungs will be a mess for a long time. Coran didn’t say it, but it could take months for everything to heal properly, if they ever do... If you treat me like glass every time I cough, I don’t think I can take it”

“I just... don’t want to lose you”

“Trust me, apparently I’m stubborn”

Keith kissed the back of Lance’s hand twice more

“You are very stubborn... I think I can be in the mood for a little romance”

“Mmm... why don’t you show me what you’ve got, samurai”

*

Laying Lance out under the stars, Keith wanted to do this right. Lance was a hopeless romantic. Absolutely hopeless and well known for his romantic heart. Lance smelt intoxicating, his natural musk mixing with his aroused hues. Kissing Lance’s inner thighs, the way the muscles jumped was adorable

“You okay, babe?”

“Yeah... just... very exposed”

Keith had stripped him down slowly, Lance’s shirt hadn’t made it easy, both of them smacking their foreheads against each other as the clumsily made their way through things. Kissing had lead to wandering hands, Lance making the sweetest little mews as Keith had slowly started to open him, as he hid his face against Keith’s shoulder

“I’m just as exposed, you know”

Covering his face, Lance mumbled into his hands. The emergency lights had been laid down to cut the amount of light, yet Keith knew if he could have seen it, Lance would be blushing

“But you’re so hot it’s not fair”

Smirking down at Lance, Keith teased him gently

“Oh, babe. You’ve got it bad for me, don’t you”

“Shut up”

Too cute. Lance was too cute. Did all alphas turn into such idiots when they found their omega?

The sex was slow, Keith tracing his hands over Lance soft skin, keeping his thrusts slow almost to the point of lazy, Lance’s scent grew sweeter and sweeter. It was nothing like sex with Pike, or the hard dirty sex they’d had when both their instincts were screaming to breed. Having marked Lance’s neck with plenty of possessive hickeys, his boyfriend smacked him when he started teasing his nipples. The tiny brow buds just the right size. Lance had fallen apart beneath him, the back of his hand against his mouth, though it didn’t stop the little moans and mews that Lance would give. Everything was so overwhelmingly intoxicating. The warm wetness of his boyfriend’s heat. The wet squelching noises each time be buried himself. The way Lance was so open and pliant for him. And the fact that other than him, and Darkstorm, no one else had laid hands on their beautiful omega. Lance’s ganglyness might turn other alphas away, but Keith knew how much work Lance put it into training. He knew he worked himself far more than anyone else, except for maybe him.

Moving his hand from his mouth to Keith’s shoulder, Lance whined softly

“Up...”

Keith stopping his thrust to leave himself buried deeply in his omega, so close to coming but wanting Lance to come first

“You want up?”

“I wanna cuddle”

“Okay, little omega”

Seating Lance in his lap, his omega cried out as he sank back down on Keith’s erection, Keith massaging Lance’s arse as he gave him a moment to adjust. With his arms wrapped around him, it was like they were only two beneath the blanket of stars above

“You okay, babe?”

“Mmm... I want it hard and fast”

So bossy...

Taking Lance by the hips, Keith let his control slip, moving Lance to meet each desperate thrust as his knot started forming

“Do you want my knot?”

“Please... alpha... I’m going crazy”

His pride swelled, his omega pleasured to the point of wanting his knot. Lance might not fall pregnant any time soon, but practicing was fun. Rolling his hips, they both moaned, Lance’s lips finding his, kisses clumsy as Keith thrust up over and over, knot flaring as Lance came with a heavy groan, his full weight driving Keith’s knot as deep as it’d go as his own orgasm painted his lovers insides with his seed. Biting on Lance’s shoulder, he’d very nearly bitten Lance’s neck, the amount of pleasure and joy he felt nearly forcing him to bond with his omega too soon.

Boneless and breathless, Lance nuzzled into his hair. Body shaking as Keith kept rutting through each slow burst of cum. Had Lance been able to fall pregnant, Keith was sure he’d pumped enough into knock him up. He’d never experienced anything like it a rut. Sure, he’d come a lot, but this was like a fucking volcanic eruption in comparison... and the way Lance rippled and squeezed... his body already trying for a pup of their own. Pups weren’t everything, and if the day came where Lance wanted a pup, Keith would do absolutely everything he could to make that dream happen.

With Lance firmly knotted, Keith hushed him as his knot jostled, the alpha reaching for a blanket to cover his loves cooling body. It’d do no good for Lance to catch a cold when he still had so far to go recovering. Kissing his hair, his omega hummed softly, a “thank you for the blanket” that he couldn’t find the words for

“Babe, are you okay?”

“Mmmm”

“My knot should go down soon... I’m sorry it puts so much strain on you”

His crotch was soaked from cum and slick, he’d probably regret it later, but that was for later Keith to deal with

“Mmm... ‘s ‘kay”

“You did so good, babe. So good for me”

“‘nly you”

“Yeah, babe. Only me”

They’d all apologised to each other, yet Keith still felt a burst of anger that their pack could think Lance would be sleeping around on diplomatic missions. It was the same kind of useless anger that he’d felt about leaving the team with Kuron. An anger he couldn’t do anything about, and an anger that would take a while to fade. Before they’d even been... close? Keith hadn’t thought Lance the type to sleep with just anyone, despite the “Nyma incident” and his omega’s chronic flirting. Lance was so damn faithful. He’d never do anything to risk negotiations or put their pack in danger. If Keith let himself think too much on it, he’d only grow angry at everything all over again.

Whining softly, Keith caught the hues of anger starting to bleed into his scent, upsetting Lance

“Shhh... it’s okay. My alphas just getting worked up at the idea of anyone daring to think they could hurt you”

Things were different for him. Lance had forgiven their pack, one by one, and as “Pike”. Yet his boyfriend had admitted he did feel moments of hurt and unsureness sometimes when he’d catch one of their pack out the corner of his eye. To Keith it was understandable. He wouldn’t have been mad with Lance if Lance hadn’t been able to accept the apology of their pack yet, yet Lance was so damn kind

“You won’t let ‘em”

“Nah, babe. They have to get through me first”

“Mmm... so damn dependable”

Tickling Lance’s side, the omega laughed tiredly, hissing when he tugged on Keith’s knot before settling his weight back against Keith

“Nooo... no tickling”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it”

“I know... You’ve got a case of “Roman Hands” and “Russian Fingers””

The reference went straight over Keith’s head

“If you say so”

“I do...”

“Okay”

Lance sighed at him, Keith kissing his hair. He knew he had a lot to learn, but being this open only felt right because Lance had shown him he’d be there for him. Right now Lance just needed a little propping up, but soon the omega would be back to being his right hand man and his stability. What started as mess of jealousy and mutual lashing out, had grown slowly, piece by piece, and now it’d morphed into something completely new and breath taking. Far more breath taking than the stars above.

[kareofbears]

persona 5 royal: my thoughts after finishing it five minutes ago

disclaimer: the only reason im writing this is because 1) i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i need to write down and if i dont ill explode and 2) i want to be able to find this when p5s eventually drops so i can compare my thought processes. if you do not agree with what i’m going to say, that’s cool! just block me or ignore this post. 

now for the sake of sanity, i’m going to try and narrow down this entire list into chunks because this’ll probably be very very long and very much about me just screaming about stuff that i liked, loved, and don’t like. i will be spoiling both the original persona 5 and persona 5 royal, obviously, so i hope you finished both!

1) Akechi

so yes. Goro Akechi. Everyone’s favorite murderer. I’m going to by spewing a lot of hot takes, and this is probably going to be the spiciest: i am in the most intense love-hate relationship with this brown haired antagonist because jesus christ is he a complicated son of a bitch. I know i’ve complained in the past about how much Atlus often struggles with utilizing a character well, but that does not at all relate to Akechi in any way, shape, or form. 

I’ll say this now: He is a character I genuinely, truly hate, yet he is the one I want to hear from the most. He is someone who is a bad person (yes, he is a bad person) but whenever he comes on screen he makes me sit up, he makes me pay attention to him because that’s just the aura he exudes. He is a character who i would never, ever waste my time defending or justifying his actions, but every minute joker spends with him is a minute i want to stretch out as long as possible because he is just that good of a character. He is interesting, he is well defined, he is smart, he is clever, he is sassy, he’s a motherfucking asshole who’s never had a vibe check in my life and i still hate him. Goro Akechi is what Star Wars wanted Kylo Ren to be, and that allegory may not make sense to many people but it works for me so i’m saying it. It’s to the point where writing akechi in a fanfic makes me sweat because in my opinon capturing the essence of akechi is near impossible unless you know what you are talking about (i do not mean that in anyway to discourage people from writing him, im just saying that I am a coward because i will never be able to write a good akechi). Anyway, bottom line is: i despise him but my eyes are always glued to him at all times.

back to the main point-- Atlus absolutely nailed this character and every single addition they put in for Akechi. I’m so damn thrilled that you actually have confidant hangouts with him because every single time you talk to him, it services not only the plot, but it perfectly does what it is supposed to do: it makes you like him, but also leaves the player slightly unnerved. they do it so casually that I might have trouble explaining it, but bear with me: everytime you hangout with him, he always does or say something that unhinges you just a little bit, it leaves you asking ‘wait why?’ or ‘but how did you know that’ or ‘why are you saying that?’. akechi is constantly playing mind games with you. and not only that, adding backstory to akechi (moreso than in the original) is just fucking fantastic. he’s always been a fully fleshed out character but after playing royal, goro akechi actually exists in my mind, and i still hate him (but also i dont. but also i do. anyway)

2) the ending

just finished the game and this is the point where i am at odds with p5r for the first time. the ending to p5, in my opinion, was flawless; everything was perfect and had meaning. from the shot of akira being shown to not wearing glasses anymore because he no longer feels the need to wear a mask (character development: he was very unhappy at the beginning of the game and now he’s happy with his friends--i love it), to his friends being the one to drive him home (amazing, he left his home town and came to shibuya alone via transit, and one year later he’s now leaving with all of his best friends in a van they rented just so they could stay with him as long as they can--it’s perfect, i love it), and also all of them seeing how large and infinite the ocean is (because now there’s unlimited options for them because they all have a new perspective on life). 

But....none of that is there in p5r. it feels impersonal. no one drops him off at his hometown, he was still wearing glasses, and there’s no grand metaphor about what they all achieved. 

Now, i am not a (complete) moron. I know why they had to change it: it’s because of persona 5 scramble (i think). they wanted to set up a plot for the next game and i feel like thats the reason why persona 5 royal’s ending suffered for it: they were too focused on the next plot that they forgot to focus on the sentimental ending for p5r. don’t get me wrong, seeing akechi in the train station absolutely made me lose my shit and made me scream at one in the morning, but i think they lost the core meaning in doing the other stuff. i did not like the focus on maruki and kasumi (will be talking about them later), cause i feel like it took away from the ending, and i also didn’t like the fact that the whole joker outfit in the reflection thing (but i will be letting it slide since it was during the after credits anyway). So while i do love one (1) new aspect of the final cut scene, i still adore and stan the one from persona 5. 

3) the entire last semester 

i’ll be quick: the final palace? the best palace. fight me. it’s fantastic, it’s innovative, it’s interesting, and most of all, the palace ruler is actually the best one in the entire game and i know i wont be the only one to say this. maruki is not a villain: i know for a godamn fact that im not the only one to say that i almost agreed with his deal of allowing the reality (damn i almost agreed twice) because why wouldnt you?? it’s literally a perfect reality! the only reason i didnt agree is because i knew the game wouldnt want me to agree and would force me to have the bad ending! anyway, i love the last section so much. the palace design is interesting, the antagonist is brilliant (who doesn’t love a morally gray antagonist?), and finally, the payoff of kasumi happened and it made me silent for ten minutes. the entire reveal of her being sumire and kasumi being dead is just so genuinely shocking to me that it nearly broke my neck.

what actually broke my neck was the initial incident for the third semester. seeing everyone in this wild alternate reality made me so unsettled that i literally got a stomach ache. i saw morgana as a human and nearly passed out. shiho in the underground? wig. ryuji saying he’s on the national pedastal for running? literally my eyebrows just popped off my head. fucking WAKABA? FLATLINED. brilliantly executed and i love the initial akechi and akira buddy cop movie vibes in the beginning it was just so fun. 

one huge part of the third semester for me though, was of course, akechi. seeing him completely throw away his ‘charming ace detective’ speil was the most refreshing and interesting and not to mention, hilarious part of the game. he does not give a fuck about anyone and he is not afraid to let you know. he is the biggest savage and the most insane person on the phantom thieves group. he’ll roast you, he’ll roast your boyfriend, he’ll roast fuckin anyone and it’s fantastic. not to mention his dialogue is killer: he says the most bat shit insults ever and my favorite example is when you go up to him near the end of the game, you know, to hangout with him and be a nice guy, he just does not hesitate to say ‘what, you came just to see me? just the sort of brainless sentimentality i’d expect from you.’ i LOVE IT because why the hell would he try to be nice? the jig is up, he’s got nothing to hide. and he owns it. atlus seriously nailed akechi in this last semester and it’s brilliant and i love it.

4) everything else 

- one small thing that pissed me off in both games (but especially this one) is how many godamn fake out deaths there are. Morgana has one, Akira has one, Ryuji has one, Sojiro has one, Maruki has one, motherfucking Akechi has two. it just hurts me!

- sumire is an amazing character who has depth and she is lovely and my biggest complaint is that it feels like atlus shoved her in. like, she feels like a new addition to the game, you know what  i mean? maybe its because ive played the original p5 first, but you know, it’s not a big deal. but i love her so much

- on the topic of sumire, i cant say that im completely super duper happy with how different she felt from the other thieves? im sure that’ll be explained in p5s but she just got so much screen time that it just truly made me confused?? maybe im just a horrible person, or that’s just a really hot take. but anyway, yeah maybe im bitter because i really wanted to see extra hangouts/school trips during royal, but didn’t really.

-baton pass? literally orgasmic. it made turn base battles so damn fun and the addition of darts and billiards made me foam at the mouth it was SO SMART AND INNOVATIVE AND I LOVE IT ATLUS I LOVE YOU ATLUS YOURE SO SMART SWEETIE

-small thing, but making spells like ‘dormina’ actually useful just made the game so much more fun and dungeon crawling became something i truly, genuinely looked forward to

-being able to give gifts to my bros? absolutely incredible. thank you. side note: seeing akechi happy from giving him a multi vitamin cracked me up. side side note: giving ryuji a fuck ton of weights and him just smiling made my heart so happy i love that boy so much

- ah this game just looked so GOOD! i thought the original looked good but they really went all out. im not kidding, the smallest details in everyday life or even just normal cut scenes were out of this world. especially stuff from the third semester its just OOF good JOB atlus i love you buddy

-ahhh thieves den! how can i forget? i love it. at first i was a bit iffy with it since it really felt like persona 5 (undoubtedly the biggest game atlus has created) was just jacking itself off. but as time goes on, it became a huge addition to the game and seeing characters’ insights and extra lines of dialogue became super duper interesting and a highlight of the game for me. and don’t even get me started on how much i love love love the photos they added of them hanging out! so lovely, a bunch of them made me tear up

- i know it’s literally impossible, but i feel like the game just forgot that akechi is a person who can wield multiple persona and i just wish that could’ve been messed around with during Palaces

- showtimes are so, so crazy and i get so embarassed whenever they play on my tv because they are just outlandish and unashamed but i love them so so much it just defines persona’s personality 

-because i love ryuji: i prefer the final conversation you have with him aka ‘whaddya mean? you’re there’ but there’s still a lot of really tender and sweet moments like akira genuinely telling him that he’ll miss him, and also the fact that ryuji wants you both to send each other your times through the exercise watch so you can still race ahhhh i love him so much yall

so, overall, this game is better than the original p5 because of the extra content we get. if persona 5 was the perfect dinner, persona 5 royal is that same dinner and you get to enter the dessert buffet. it’s brilliant, it’s smart, it’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, and it’s undoubtedly my favorite game of all time without exaggeration. while i do prefer the final cut scene (and final dialogues with some characters) in the original persona 5, in the overall experience, persona 5 royal is superior in my mind. i would willingly get amnesia to play this game again. 

I didn’t get to cover everything, but this is definitely most of what i wanted to say. if you actually get to reading all the way to the end, thanks! it means a lot. i hope we can all enjoy persona and look forward to persona 5 scramble together :-)

[uniquexbehaviour]

So guys, I wrote this tonight. It's pretty much about what I imagine were Sander's thoughts after recieving Robbe's text message yesterday. It's also followed by his mom being there for him at the hospital and him confessing that he loves a boy. So yeah, enjoy and let me know what you thought. There will be a second fluffier part to repair our little hearts. Enjoy Xx

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Because there is no us. "

The message shines in bold black writing, screen sending light into his tired eyes and making them struggle to stay open. Sander reads the text from Robbe repeatedly, unable to chase away the thought that he has ruined everything he had been building for the past two months. Images of Robbe flashes through his mind: the moonlight reflecting on his beautiful face, his soft plump lips against his damp forehead, his fingers intertwining with his, the warmth of his skin, the delicateness of his hands against his body. Sander could not believe that all he had ever dreamt of was now only a sour memory that would remain in the past. Robbe did not want him anymore. What had happened at the hotel had been to much for him to handle. He scared Robbe away, just like he had always dreaded. Sander's shattered breaths, his wedding suggestions and his little naked adventure to get some burgers had been too much. Robbe did not want to be around mentally ill people and Sander could not be loved.

As thoughts keep going on and on in Sander's busy mind, he curls onto himself, pulling his legs towards his chest and holding them tightly. He shuts his eyes to block away the tears, feeling his own heart being stabbed.

Maybe if he had died that night, he could have been happy for infinity.

Right as he feels himself drifting away, he hears the slight noise of the door of his hospital room creek open. He prays that Britt is not standing by his side, because he can't handle it right now. He can't handle the idea of standing up for himself. He lets out a heavy breath of relief as he recognizes the footsteps of his mom.

Sander's mom is a brave woman. She is kind and very caring, but ever since he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder three years ago, things had changed. The conversations filled with laughter that they used to have, were now always tinted with concern. She had become overprotective. Sander could not blame her, because he did pull scary things a few times, but he missed the friendship they shared. Sander now felt more like a burden and that's exactly why he was trying to keep his diagnosis from Robbe. He did not want Robbe to let his mental illness define him. Sander was not his disorder, he was so much more than that. He was an art loving, music loving, David Bowie obsessed young man, with dreams that filled his mind and crazy amounts of love to give. Those are the only things he wanted Robbe to see.

"I brought you some food baby. I know you have a hard time eating what they give you."

He hears the soft voice of his mom ring into his ears as she wiggles out of her rain jacket. She sits on the chair right by Sander's bed, letting the fresh bag of food rest on the nightstand by Sander's bed. She gently runs a hand through her son's bleach blond hair, knowing it had always done wonders to soothe him down.

"I spoke to Britt. She says she'll come by later to keep you company. You're lucky you have a girl like her around." His mom whispers, not realizing the heaviness of her words.

Sander feels his entire body shiver and can sense his breath stopping. The last person he wants to see right now is Britt. The girl who had always seen him as inferior. The girl who had always defined him as his illness. The girl who had always spoke to him as he was this broken art piece she needed to fix. Sander does not realize the whimpers that escape his lips before his mom mentions hearing them.

"Oh Sander. It's alright to feel low baby, you know your mood will end up perking up now that they balanced your dosage of medication. Maybe I could get back home and grab your laptop. You could watch a movie with Bri…"

Sander panics. He needs to say something. He knows he will not be able to survive one second more with the presence of his intoxication ex-girlfriend.

"Mama…Stop." Sander breaths out faintly, surprised that the words came out as he had hoped. He searches for her hand and gives it a light squeeze, eyes finally focusing on her own. "Britt and I…We…I…We're not together anymore. She keeps insisting that we are and that I must be manic, that I will realize just how much I love her once I get my senses back. She got in my brain mama. I even wondered myself if she was right, but she is not. I know she is not. I tried going back to her and I tried kissing her." Sander speaks out painfully, placing his mom's hand against his heart. "I might have been manic yeah, but I know what I feel right here."

His mom listens closely to every single one of his words. She doesn’t stop him from expressing his feelings. She simply keeps her hand against her son's chest, tearful smile as she feels his heartbeat increase, reminding her that she has not lost her baby, no matter how scared she had been two nights before hand.

"Please don't make me see her again. Please mama, please." Sander begs, feeling completely stuck in his own torments.

His mother brushes a tear away from Sander's cheek with the tip of her thumb, giving him a small nod. She knows from her son's focused eyes that he is no longer manic, and she knows that she can trust his feelings. In the end, Sander has the biggest heart she had ever seen.

"It's about this boy I saw the other night, right? That boy for who you booked a hotel with my credit card?"

Sander nods in defeat, covering his tearful face with both his hands. His heart was aching so badly he had not idea how he could ever feel redeemed. He was starting to believe things would simply never get better for him.

Maybe loneliness was his happy ending.

One thing was for sure, it was always better than having to be by Britt's side for the rest of his life.

"Is that boy special for you? Does he make your stomach hurt?" His mother asks as she points her own abdomen, looking at her son with a sad smile.

"It's like a good pain though. A pain that makes the knots in my gut untangle. A pain that makes me want to be alive in infinite universes. But it's over now…I scared him away. He does not want to be with me anymore." Sander groans, chin quivering as he once again tries to keep himself from crying.

Slowly, his mother connects the dots. The young boy with whom her son was minutes before was the kid standing on the sidewalk looking terrified and shouting Sander's name last Friday. It was the same boy who Britt had excused herself from the medics to go see. The same boy who had tears in his eyes as he stared at her with terror and empathy in his spheres. The boy who Britt had walked up to with a rage so lively, it could of have destroyed anyone passing by.

"Sleep darling. It will make things better, I promise." His mom gently reassures him as she presses a light kiss against his sweaty forehead, exactly like Robbe would do for him.

Sander shrugs, keeping his knee's locked against his chest as his mom slowly pulls the thin stack of blankets against her son's shivering body. She waits for his breathing to have calmed down, making sure he is fast asleep. Sander's thoughts keep rolling on repeat in his mind, but he is unconscious enough to allow his mom to grab his phone without noticing. She does not have to go through the messages long before she notices the name Robbe with a heart emoji next to it in his contact list. She presses one last kiss to the top of Sander's scalp before dialing the number and stepping out of the room, waiting for an answer.

[realityhelixcreates]

Lasabrjotr Chapter 60: For the Lazy Mornings

Chapters: 60/? Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: Mature Warnings:  Relationships: Loki x Reader (There We Go) Characters: Loki (Marvel),  Additional Tags: Post-Endgame: Best Possible Ending (Canon-Divergent), Bad Dreams, Loki has Unresolved Issues, Reader Contemplates, Walk Walk Fashion Baby, Lol Yes I Did Write A Whole Chapter That Takes Place Within Like Thirty Minutes

Summary:  You miss breakfast.

Loki awoke to darkness; velvety, silent, and comfortable. A slight chill had crept into the room, the sensation familiar on his skin. The sun must be setting fully again, finally. The seasons on this world were so strange, foreign.

You shifted next to him. The chill might be soothing to him, but your fragile, precious human body might not take to it well. He should probably get an extra blanket for you.

Of course, there were other ways to keep you warm. Lust stirred in him, recalling your clumsy, insistent hands and hungry, determined expression. It wasn't the first handjob of his life, but it was certainly the most earnest.

For some reason, you hadn't wanted him to return the favor at the time. But now...

He placed his hand on your thigh. You rolled over to face him, bigger than you should be, twice, three times bigger than you should be. The bright, rainbow-scattered light of the old Bifrost Loki remembered lit up the room, highlighting your sapphire skin, your bright red eyes looking down at him fondly. Loki shouted, recoiling in revulsion, but the roar of the Bifrost drowned him out, the light overcoming him.

Loki sat up in bed.

It was dark, but to his eyes, faint light escaped from the edges of his blackout curtains. You stirred, and his head whipped around to stare. You were your normal, adorably compact size, and thankfully devoid of blue. He let out a relieved breath.

“Well.” You muttered. “That was weird. Is that what it's like, when you look down at me? What was that loud light?”

You must not have been able to see yourself in the dream, the way he had.

“That...that was the old Bifrost. It used to be like that, when it was fully functional and powered up. Brighter. Bigger. More color, more range, a louder roar. Just more powerful.”

Powerful enough to slice through the mile thick ice crust of a tiny, helpless planet, creating a canyon a quarter of the way across the equatorial region, exposing the water far below, and causing Norns only knew what kind of havoc.

You had still been beautiful, in the colorful light, in the wrong skin, the wrong size. Still beautiful. Somehow, it repulsed him.

But the dream was gone now, the shock fading away into the warmth you brought to his bed. He settled back down into your waiting arms. It was so comfortable here. Though not yet lovers exactly, you fit so well into his bed, and he fit so well into your arms, his head resting between your breast and jaw, so he could hear the steady pumping of your heart.

“Sleep, okay?” You encouraged. “Everyone's leaving tomorrow. Then you'll have peace again.”

“Hm? Whatever do you mean?” Loki said. He knew what you meant, but was surprised that you'd thought of it.

“Well, it's stressful, right? Having all these enemies around, pax or no.” You said, absently stroking his hair.

“Not enemies. Not anymore.”

“Not friends either, though. Bad blood.”

“Some of them.” He admitted.”Some of them weren't even there at the time. Many of the others have...well, not forgiven me precisely, but accepted the reality of me. Or simply moved on. But then, there are those who can't.”

“Tony.”

“It isn't his fault. My actions fundamentally changed him. How many others like him? I wonder sometimes.”

“You regret what you did?” You sounded...not surprised, but curious.

“I regret the lives lost. Though my actions actually brought some benefit to your world-forced your governments to realize there were threats from outside, to at least try to prepare for further incursions, revitalize your space programs, recognize your heroes...but it is terribly unbecoming to attack civilians.”

“Huglausi?” You ventured.

“Very.” He sighed. “I compromised my honor very severely. Obliterated it, really. I've done many unseen things to try to restore it. In the end, it's really all I have.”

He wrapped one arm around you and snuggled up as close as was possible without actually being on top of you.

“I've seen how superficial so many things really are, how easy it is to be stripped of them. Title. Wealth. Name. Home. Identity. The only thing that truly lasts, the only thing that has impact, is deeds. And mine have been...reprehensible.”

“But it wasn't entirely you.” You pointed out. “You were being controlled.”

“Not entirely. I told you, it was still me. I know it's tempting to attribute everything to some behind-the-scenes puppetmaster, but it wasn't like that, it was...” He trailed off, squeezing you.

“Like what?”

He held his breath and shook his head a little. If he told you too much, if he told you everything, you would never lie next to him again. He would lose this as soon as he had gotten it.

But didn't you deserve to know what kind of creature you slept next to? Didn't you at least deserve to know what was behind his actions on Earth? Maybe not the rest of it, but the things that impacted the world you lived in?

“You know how you hate the man who hurt you during the Sn-the Event? But you wish you did not, and you wish you could forgive him, but the anger and unfairness of it just hits you sometimes? And you feel guilty about it, and that makes you angry too; bitter, resentful. And that makes you feel even worse, and it just builds on itself, until it finally goes away, but you're miserable the whole time, and a while afterwards?”

“Uh...yeah. It's exactly like that, actually.”

“I too, have things that make me feel that way. And the influence of the Mind Stone was such that it made those thoughts, those angers and resentments come to the surface, and then it kept them there. It kept them fresh and constant-no healing, no overcoming, no acceptance or moving on, and, most importantly, no relief. It was neverending. A great font of anger and bitterness as fresh as the moment it was inflicted, and sustained, indefinitely, by the stone's power over me.

Thanos didn't put a ring in my nose to lead me around by; he didn't have to. A smidgen of psychological manipulation, and I was his. A nearly willing slave. I wanted the havoc I caused. I reveled in the chaos, the fear. I bathed in the sounds of screaming and destruction, lusted after the blood and terror.”

His breath had grown heavy. You fingers paused in his hair.

“I wanted it because I felt I had nothing else. No future, no identity. Only deeds. And I was determined to make them the biggest deeds I could, for good or ill. I was an avatar of the worst that a being like me could become, and the greatest I had ever been. I enjoyed what I was doing, because it was the only outlet, the only respite from the hate and anger that I had.

For all my plans, I could never have ruled like that. It's a lie the Mind Stone told me, that I tell myself, again and again. I could have done it. I could have made it work. But I could not even master myself. It was all lies, upon lies, upon lies. Lies built me. Lies define me, and that entire experience just proved it beyond any shadow of a doubt.”

“Loki...”

“Shhh.” He lightly brushed your mouth with his fingertips. “I committed great deeds. Great and terrible. And now, now that I control myself, now that the malign influence no longer hangs over me, I can no longer commit deeds so great. I cannot rebuild your city. You have already done that. I cannot show generosity in equal measure to my destructiveness. Asgards budget is too tight. Somehow, on the other side of madness, I am incapable of doing good in equal measure to ill. Why must it be so easy to harm you, but so difficult to help you?”

“Maybe because we all need different kinds of help, but we all die the same.” You said, and he grew quiet in contemplation. “ Loki, you have a lot you want to do, right? Rebuild Asgard, fix your reputation, help the people around you, be a good ruler. And on top of that, you have responsibilities to your family, and your people, and...well, to me too. As your...”

“Paramour...” He breathed. “Yes. I have...responsibilities. You...you need me.” It was almost a plea. “You want me...You want to be near me...I've been good to you...haven't I? Is there anything you need? Anything at all?”

You seemed to sense the tendrils of desperation that wound inside of him as he had explained himself, as he sought something to expend his energy on, and you resumed stroking his hair.

“Yes.” You said. “I need you to hold me for the rest of the night. I need to feel you close to me. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up to you first thing in the morning. That's all I want right now. Can you give me those things?”

He didn't move, just remained molded to you, head tucked under your jaw. Purpose. Simple, attainable purpose.

“All those things and more. Thank you, _____. I needed to say it. I knew you would listen. Without the stone, I would have healed, at least a little. Without the stone, I have healed. A little. There was time to mourn, time to accept. Time to look forward. I...I wish I was already the man I could be for you. I will be though. If you will but be patient with me.”

“Sleep, Loki.” You said. “I want to get to that waking up with you next to me part.”

                                                                               *****

And so you did, slipping gently back into consciousness, with the comfortable weight of Loki's arm across your chest. You turned your head to find he had tucked you under his chin, cuddling you like a plush doll.

You kissed his throat until he shifted and his breathing changed.

“Darling...” He mumbled sleepily. “Blessed maiden of comfort. Good morning.”

“Mornin' sweetie.” You said, and he scoffed at the pet name.

“I am a god.” He said

“You are a grump.” You answered, kissing the tip of his nose and shimmying out of bed.

He slithered out after you. “Am I really?”

“Only sometimes.” You teased.

You didn't join him in the bath this time, opting to take one in the evening instead. Your clothes had been left in a neatly folded stack just outside the door to Loki's bedroom rather than outside of yours.

Oh yes, everyone knew what was going on.

You reflected on how easy that acceptance seemed to be, as you slipped into your clothes for the day. Aside from a few loud, unpleasant, and downright dangerous individuals, the people of Asgard seemed perfectly fine with you.

Even though you'd been told several times that there was a struggle between human-friendly and human-unfriendly factions, it was really being treated as if the eventual failure and disappearance of the human-unfriendly groups was a foregone conclusion. As if it had all happened before, and had turned out the same every time.

Well, hadn't it?

The war with the Vanir had ended millenia ago, possibly before the first human civilizations had even begun. You could see the influence of their heritage in Saldis' features, and knew there were full Vanir here in Asgard who were trapped away from Vanaheim by the events of Ragnarok. Nobody cared anymore. The former queen of Asgard and the guardian of all Asgard were both raised by Alfar. Heck, with the strangeness of Heimdalls eyes, there might actually have been Alfar in his family tree.

Once you thought about it, there might be a little Jotun mixed in as well. Probably not Frost Giants, since they still seemed to be a point of contention among Asgardians, but other kinds of Jotun they didn't seem to have much trouble with. You knew the Vanir didn't have any trouble with intermarrying with them, and neither Loki, Brunnhilde, or Saga seemed to think they idea of marrying a Jotun was all that strange. Freyr was married to one, and they didn't act like he was a freak or anything. In fact, since Jotun were so genetically flexible, it was possible that any Asgardian could have a Jotun ancestor, and it might not even show at all.

You knew absolutely nothing about the previous queens of Asgard, save for where Frigga was raised...

Nah. You didn't actually want to go fishing for more royal scandal. You technically were one, even if the majority of Asgardians had accepted that you were but a harbinger of what was to come. They had survived intermingling with others, and they would survive humans too. Probably come out even better for it, if the history Saga taught you was accurate.

The real problem might just be other humans reactions to the idea. Humans were far too proficient at focusing on the differences between people, and dividing themselves up into groups that weren't supposed to be allowed to mingle...but still definitely did, even if the consequences were terrible. That was the problem. There shouldn't be those kinds of consequences, but there would be.  For the longest time, humans only had other humans to define as 'outsiders'. Only very recently had extraterrestrial intelligent species come to their attention, and almost every time, it was in a very negative way.

Part of the world was very on board with the Asgardians, but it was because of a shared cultural history. They regarded the Asgardians as partially 'theirs' somehow. But the rest of the world had no such ties, and some countries had a definite-and admittedly justified-beef with certain prominent Asgardians. One of which you happened to be actually dating.

Okay, but what could they actually do to you, aside from troll you on the internet? Asgard was on the lookout for assassins now, and you had committed no crimes. Besides, being with Loki was a good thing, right? It was a symbol of friendliness and good will between Asgard and humankind, right?

That was definitely not why you were doing it though. You just really liked him. Loki was a man of many virtues. One of them was how he came back from the bath, shirtless, and with his hair still damp.

That was a very good one.

Loki gave his hair one last scrub with the towel, dropped said towel over the back of his desk chair, and opened the carved wooden doors to his huge wardrobe. He stood in contemplation of the perfect thing to wear.

“What do you think...” He murmured. “What's the best combination for saying goodbye to a group of not-quite-enemies?”

“Peacefully?” You asked.

“Of course! I can't let it be known, but I actually like some of them, just a little.”

“So you want the 'lady who has just divorced her jackass, loser husband, and is past ready to mingle' look.”

One perfect eyebrow arched. “Do I?”

“Yeah.” You ducked under his arm and peered into the wardrobe. “So you wanna show off, but not your very best, because that's trying too hard, right? All black is dramatic, and looks so good on you...”

He preened.

“...But I think it might make you fade into the backdrop. How about this one though? The green matches mine, so we could present as a unified front. Also I like this little short cape.”

“This is a capelet. Would you like one? They are not difficult to make; I can order some for you.”  

He held up the tunic; a quilted thing of rich pine green and gold piping, knotwork designs at the stiff cuffs and mandarin collar.

“You like this?”

“It looks very...touchable.”

Both eyebrows went up this time. “Is that the image we want to project?”

“Put it on, and lets see.”

The tunic molded to him, so tight that you would have though it simply didn't fit. But he seemed to be able to move in it just fine. You ran your hands up his chest and over his shoulders.

“I was right. Very touchable.”

He caught your hands in his and squeezed them gently.

“I'm glad you like it, but I don't think so. Not this one. It is actually part of a matched set made for myself and Thor, when we were younger.. It doesn't feel right to wear it, if he is not wearing his. I doubt he still even fits into his.”

He removed the tunic, and searched for another.

“I do like the color matching idea though. Perhaps this one? It is similar.”

This tunic did not fit him quite as tightly, but was still expertly tailored, and still the same color of green. It fell all the way to his knees, split to the hips in four places, and the sleeves terminated in sharp points over the back of his hands. It was quilted as well, but the pattern was more like scales, and you noticed that the metallic thread was gradated; starting out black at the bottom, then shifting to green, then gold at the collar and shoulders.

“Wow.” You breathed. “You look like a dragon!”

“Well,” He said. “I did steal you and fly you away to my lair full of riches, did I not?”

“That you did. Speaking of riches...can you help me with my brooches?”

“Of course, my dear.” He plucked the oval brooches from your palm, very carefully pinning them in place, so as not to prick you. As you had thought, he got them perfectly centered, their strings of beads cascading over the top of your breasts. They drew his eyes. “But you know how to pin them yourself, don't you?”

“Yeah, I do.” You said, a little sultriness slipping into your voice. Loki's eyes flicked to yours. He licked his lips.

You were in his arms barely a moment later, drowning in his mouth.

“I wish I was the man I could be for you. I will be.”

No man had ever said anything like that to you before. Never expressed any desire to be better for you. It was usually the opposite.

Loki, prince and god, wanted to be better. For you.

You were going to miss breakfast.

[spiderman-anti]

hello, everyone :)

this is my formal goodbye to tumblr

i have a lot to say so bear with me

first of all, i’m 15 now! and i’m going by the name “grace” (my birth name) as i’ve discovered that do not feel like a boy anymore.

i believe i am suffering a type of body dysmorphia or something similar to that which i confused as dysphoria because i’ve always been a tomboy.

although i’m still not sure.

this community has been ridiculously kind to me throughout the years i’ve been involved, and i’ve made many friends along the way :)

but i definitely started with this crap way to fucking young.

i was 12 when i started this blog and i really regret it.

but now, i have the chance to leave some advice to other 12-15 year olds thinking of participating in this stuff!

number 1: do not. please wait until your older.

number 2. call outs are a bad idea and a half, be very careful when considering reblogging/making one. do not witch-hunt. never give out personal information (yours or otherwise). EVER.

number 3. there are two sides to every coin, and six sides to a cube, but there are infinite sides when it comes to people. consider that you don’t know the person you are debating with. they have been raised in a different way and you have no clue what they’ve been taught or how they grew up. people with different ideas then you are most likely not trying to be a bad person. don’t be quick to jump on them, they could just be spouting the rhetoric of older people in their life. just try be empathetic and kind ALWAYS.

number 4. there is never an excuse for sending death threats. no excuse for telling someone to kill themselves. no excuse for bullying someone. the only thing that you can do when someone has a differing approach to life is to try and educate them on your approach. NEVER SEND DEATH THREATS. NEVER CALL SOMEONE SLURS. NEVER TRY AND TRIGGER SOMEONE.

number 5. make friends and enjoy yourself. don’t take this too seriously. it’s tumblr

number 6. if someone is being racist/homophobic/sexist/harmful, then tell them that they are and, most importantly, TELL. THEM. WHY. to say “you are racist” takes no thought process. to explain why and how shows that you care enough to try and make a difference in that persons life.

number 7. don’t converse with pedophiles

number 8. it’s never an argument, it’s always a debate. take into consideration how two human beings with brains would have a healthy conversations about their personal opinions. do not go monky mode and just start yelling or swearing at them. it doesn’t teach anyone anything and definitely doesn’t make your opinion look rational.

number 9. who give fuck if ur gay or anything like that??? you don’t have to decide that yet.. soul searching can be done at any age, you are in no rush!! please please be careful

number 10. if someone sends you a video of a person getting shot in the face, block them. this has happened to me multiple times. just block and report. warn others. maybe even keep your dms between mutuals if you don’t want to see mutilated genitals in your dms

number 11. to sway someone’s opinion online, you need to be a wizard. don’t put all your energy into it. just put the information out there so that neutral people can find it and make their own opinions (hopefully)

number 12. let people be. if they aren’t harming anyone, then are they really that bad? (harming is ambiguous, i know. define it for yourself i suppose)

number 13. FREE SPEECH DONT MEAN SHIT! if your arguing with someone and they just say ‘free speech!’ then they are a moron not worth your time. these fucking idiots dont even know what free speech is. FREE SPEECH MEANS YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT PEOPLE CAN STILL CRITICIZE!!!!!! THATS WHAT IT IS!!! ITS JUST SO YOU DONT GET SNIPED BY THE GOVERNMENT FOR HAVING THOSE OPINIONS!!!! CONGRATS!!

number 14. if someone is being witch hunted, and all your friends hate them, but your not sure if you hate them, then just don’t participate! if you lose your friends because of that, then they aren’t your real friends.

number 15. mine craft is really fun guys.

number 16. be kind be SO kind. BE KIND JUST BE A NICE PERSON JUST BE SO FREAKING KIND AND GENTLE WITH PEOPLE. you have NO IDEA how life changing it can be. SMILE AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS. please!!!

number 17. educate yourself. look into others opinions. gather resources. THINK. do not just go with what everyone else is. people have different opinions and that’s A FANTASTIC THING!!! it’s so good!!!! that we can think for ourselves!!!!!!!!

number 18. do good in school and work hard! i’m happy to say that i got 5 A’s and 2 B’s this year :D (one C- but it was in art class and my teacher did not like me) and nothing has ever made me feel better. i failed school so often and this year has been the biggest confidence booster of my life. i want to become a therapist when i grow up and i’m already starting my international bachelorette program thing and i’m so excited. work hard!!

number 19. mental illness is not a death sentence, you can do it.

number 20. someone loves you, if not now, then in the future. someone WILL love you. NOBODY IS ALONE. you can find community in the littlest, strangest things. for me, i found it here. on tumblr. with a bunch of strange and unique people. and it’s helped shape me into the person i am today. thank you for giving me perspective :)

that’s about it. that’s what i have to say. i guess bye! i had a lot of fun with you guys. i’ll leave this account up because why not, maybe it’ll help someone, that’s all i want to do. -peter/grace

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #272

“i don’t care what you have to say - it makes no difference / it’s all because of you, we’re fuckin’ infamous.”

How many children are in your family? I have a big extended family, so uh... and what is the age cutoff for "children?" My simplest answer is three, that being my older sister's kids, but I do have a half-sister with some young-ish children, but I know none of them. Oh, and my other half-sister has kids too, but again, they're not that young, and the youngest son I've never met. What is something you and your parents used to argue over often? Money. What was your first word? "Dada." A fast food restaurant that you hate with a passion? Arby's is fucking disgusting. Give me a song that is underestimated/not well known. Probably like half of Otep's songs. "Lords of War" comes to mind first. Which one of your friends knows everything about you? Sara knows the most. Who is your favorite teacher that you have this year? N/A Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? No, I don't have that kind of patience. Like I've fiddled with 'em before if they're right at my disposal and I'm just sitting and waiting or something, but I've never gotten far. Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? It depends on what I'm talking about, but probably Sara. Or Mom, idk. Do you have a favorite metal band or do you not like metal? Ozzy, of course. Metal is my favorite genre. Are you talking to anyone right now? No. What’s your favorite kind of science? Genetics. Do you walk home or take a bus? From school? Well I'm not in school anymore, but for almost the entire time I was, my mom drove me and picked me up. I only took a bus for some of Jason's junior and all of his senior year to his house afterwards. Who did you last go to the movies with? My dad, I think. If you could see anyone (dead or alive) in concert, who would you pick? I'd probably choose Metallica so long as my mom could come. She laughed/cried hysterically when she found out they were finally coming here I think two years ago, but we couldn't go. She fucking adores Metallica, maybe more than I do Ozzy. She's always said that she only needs three things in life: God, her babies, and Metallica. Who’s the cutest person you know? Define "cute." The cutest fucking thing I have EVER seen was Sara when we went to a reptile expo together; she was a kid in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I could not stop smiling at her, jc. "Cute" as in who I feel most fits the traditional definition, my old friend Alon. I think I'll always answer "Alon" to questions like this lmao. How about the funniest? GIRT. Oh my FUCKING god, Girt. I've had my biggest and most frequent laughs with that guy. Have you ever had acne? I sure did going through puberty. It wasn't the worst in the world, but I definitely had it. Where is your biggest scar located? I think the scar from my surgery, but I can't see it so I can't *really* tell? Look up what a pilonidal cyst is to figure out where that's at, oof. Where did your last hug take place? A hotel room. Recently, Mom, my sisters, and I saw my grandmother for probably the last time. She was with her husband and Mom's brother passing through. She's quit chemo for pancreatic cancer as now it's just become unbearable, and it's obvious she doesn't have much time left. It was... weird, seeing her in such a skin-and-bone, very frail state. We've had a rocky relationship, but I'm going to miss her regardless. What is your current desktop picture? My favorite picture of Teddy. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell "bananas?" HA HA yes! Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? I love how healthy my hair is, but I'm definitely not a fan of how quickly it becomes oily. And I wish it knew how to hold some damn dye. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Not personally, but yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? First I took Latin, but I SUCKED at it, and then I took German for four semesters and loved it. If your cell phone broke, would your parents make you pay for a new one? No, considering I don't have a source of income. Are your parents still married? No. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Not currently, but I'd only go into one that's monogamous. Have you ever met your favorite band? No. Have you ever drawn on someone's face while they were sleeping? No, I'm not an asshole. Have you ever fallen down a hill? No, but I've certainly rolled down them as a kid. Would you scuba dive in shark-infested waters if you had the chance? I hate the term "shark-infested." It's where they live. But anyway, I don't think I'd swim with sharks, but maybe. What is your favorite slow song? BRO idk there's so many. Do you believe in karma? No. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? It would depend on their demeanor. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? I'd sure as hell want to, but I'd have a hard time getting through it. Are your pets asleep? Roman is probably snoozing by the window in the living room, and Venus probably is, given she's nocturnal. Have you ever wished you were an only child? No. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? As a kid I got in huge trouble for smacking my sister before. As an adult I haven't. What is your current favorite song? I'm pretty obsessed with NateWantsToBattle's cover of "Feel Good Inc." Is there something you do on a regular basis, that you don’t enjoy doing? Why? The person I copied this from answered "shower" and big same. Like of course I do it, but boy do I hate it. It's a chore to me and especially when I'm depressed, I'll put it off. Have you ever felt jealous of anyone else’s success? Yes. When it comes to success, I can be very envious. Never in a hateful way/wishing the person wasn't where they were at, but nevertheless, still envious. Who did you last speak to in person? Mom. Have you ever had a one-night stand? If you have, did you regret it afterwards? Never had one, don't plan to. Have you ever done something that you said you’d NEVER do? Yes. What was the last thing you asked for help with? Who did you go to for help? Uhhh... probably something from Mom, though I don't remember what. I've avoided that since she's recovering from surgery. Who was the last person to text you? Sara! If your significant other had several other sexual partners before you, how much would that bother you? Would you worry about being compared to the others? How many previous sexual partners do you think is acceptable? If they were serious relationships genuinely based on love, it wouldn't - to a degree. I have to be honest with myself and say like if my s/o had a large number of past sexual partners at our age, I'd be wary about their loyalty and dedication to one person. Idk what I'd consider "too many" exactly. For me, maybe like... six? Who was the last person of the opposite sex to send you a message on Facebook? What if you had a baby with that person? My friend Ian, and whoa buddy, we're just above acquaintances. How many people of your preferred sex have hurt you? Just one seriously. Have your friends ever talked to you about the forms of contraception they use? What form of contraception do you prefer? It's been casually mentioned, sure. I'm not sexually active so don't take any right now, but if I was, I'd be on birth control and demand condom usage because FUCK the chances of getting pregnant. If you told your parents that you were going to be a parent, how do you think they would react? I think they'd both be terrified for me. I have NO business raising a kid when I'm barely a proper adult. They'd also be confused as fuck about who the dad would be. You find out that the person you love/like is having a child with someone else. What do you say? If I found out somehow that Jason was going to be a dad, I can 100% GUARANTEE you I would faint, vomit, and have an emotional breakdown. Literally all three. I wouldn't be able to "say" anything. If I found out Sara was, I'd be pretty speechless and beyond terrified for her. When was the last time you said something and thought “Why the hell did I say that?” What exactly did you say, and who did you say it to? How did the person react? Hm. It's funny, I'm both very impulsive with what I can say if I'm upset or angry, but otherwise I seriously think twice about what's coming out of my mouth. I can't remember the last time the former happened. NO WAIT. So my chronic nightmares/terrors, right? A few days ago I woke up from one growling, "I'll break your fucking neck too, bitch," and it was to my very own mother, as she was choking me for some reason I don't remember. I was disgusted when I woke up. In these nightmares, I am SO much more aggressive than I actually am and it really scares me. It's gotten to the point that I'm genuinely scared of what I may be capable of. Who was the last person outside of family that told you they loved you? Sara. What song reminds you of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? My first real one, holy fucking shit, a lot. For where we currently stand, "Another Life" by Motionless In White haunts me. Not only is it his favorite band, but the lyrics just scream him and me. It's one of those that sometimes makes me tear up. I hate that I love that song. Outside of family, who were the last three girls you talked to? Sara, Summer, and Chelsea, I think. Outside of family, who were the last three guys you talked to? Uhhh Ian, my grandma's husband (he's not my actual grampa), and my sister's husband, probably, or nephew. Who is/was your strictest teacher in school? Mrs. P-something in 7th grade. I didn't not like her, she was just very strict. Have you ever felt so ill that you literally didn’t know what to do? Oh yeah, emotionally at least. At your part of the world, is it summer now? Yes, ew. What’s the warmest it can get over there? How about the coldest? Around 110*F; coldest, around... sub-20*F on rare days. Is there a bad habit you’re trying to break right now? I need to lay off the soda. Is it easy to find a job in your preferred field in your home town? FUCK no. Have you ever played the original Mass Effect trilogy? Nope. Have you ever made jewelry? The kiddy kinds with beads and stuff, yeah. Which app do you use the most on your phone? Umm Facebook or Dragons of Atlantis. Did you learn to play an instrument as a kid? If so, which one? In elementary school, we all learned the recorder. From middle school to my junior high school year, I played the flute. What is the best part of your most ordinary day? I don't even know anymore. If you learned that you suddenly needed an aid of some sort to do something that you normally don’t need (glasses, hearing aid, etc.) Would you comply or would you put it off until there was no choice anymore? It would definitely depend on the issue and its severity. What’s the strangest saying you’ve come across? Please tell me it's not just the South that says "it's colder than a witch's titty" lmao. Do you read any web comics? No. Which social media platform do you use the most, if any? Facebook. Which game did you play the most as a kid during recess? Does anyone remember "Four Square?" I don't even remember the rules, but my friends and I played it all the time. Are you one of those lucky people to own a walk-in closet? No, not that I need one honestly. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? I’ve told the story of my pebble from my partial hospitalization program many times. Besides that, something really random? Uhhh. There’s probably something, seeing as a lot of the things I keep mean something deep to me, but I don’t know about another truly strange one. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Usually. Do you have a wall calendar? In the kitchen. Have you ever been to Canada? No, but totally serious, I want to move there. I just realistically won’t because I don’t want to leave my family. Do you believe in superstitions? Nope. When was the last time you took a taxi somewhere? I’ve never been in a taxi. Would you ever join the army, airforce or navy? Hell no. How old is the person you last kissed? 22. What was the most embarrassing thing you've had to buy? Nothing. Have you ever mistaken a person's gender? Yes. What was the most expensive thing you've broken? I don’t know. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes, but thankfully it wasn’t severe. Can you focus well in high-stress situations? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK NO. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? Yes. I think I’ve shared before that in 9th grade, my teacher like deadass stopped her lecture just to point that out lmaoo. Is there anyone you dread going into public with? Not generally. It can sometimes happen with Dad just because he’s brutally honest and doesn’t have a filter, but it’s more like a discomfort than dread. Are you easily frightened? It depends on the situation. In most instances, yes. Do you have a favorite model? No. What's your current facebook display picture of? It’s just a headshot of me with my skull necklace and a tank top. Is there anyone whose hair you envy? Peoples’ whose actually hold color. >_> Have you ever dated someone who was extremely shy? No, I’m the shy one. Or have you dated someone who took things too fast? Yes. Do you or anyone you know have an account on Deviantart? I have one, and I know a few other people who do. Do you listen to Daughtry? Not really, except “No Surprise.” Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. Is there a pet that you desperately want? A tarantula, preferably a Brazilian Black. I’ve gotten soooo into tarantulas, but it’s a “hell no” from Mom about having one in her house. Would you ever get your bellybutton pierced? No. My stomach isn’t “pretty” and I know it sure wouldn’t look flattering. Are you one of those people who are always pushing their limits? I wish I could say yes. Have you ever made a totally amazing snow fort? No. I didn’t have the patience for that as a kid. All we really made out of snow were snowmen and balls to throw. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? Proportions. Is there someone you know moving away any time soon? I don’t believe so. Is there a garbage can in the room you’re currently in? No. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Who was the last person you apologized to? Mom, probably. Do you throw things when you’re frustrated? No. People who throw shit scare me. Do you prefer sharks or dolphins? Dolphins. Before meerkats, they were my favorite animal. What was the last piece of furniture you purchased? Purchased, I don’t know. A lot of what we have now is second-hand. Has anyone ever told you that you are too picky when it comes to the people you date? What about not picky enough? No one has said either. When was the last time you went to a bar? Never. What three things would you change about your life? Number one, be mentally stable. Two, my body. Three, be financially stable. Was there anything unusual or unique about your birth? There was an ice storm that Dad had to drive through lmao. What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? Man, idk. I don’t talk a lot to begin with. What is the next book you are going to read? Wings of Fire: The Dark Secret should come in the mail today!! :’) Describe the hardest decision you have ever made. I had to choose to either let Jason go or keep him in my heart until it killed me/I killed myself. I can almost 100% absolutely promise you if my life was continued how it was in 2016, I would NOOOOOOOT still be here. I think it’s pretty clear by now some scars are buried too deep to heal, seeing as he is literally faintly on my mind every day, but at least I know how to be happy without someone who didn’t believe in my strength. Why did you last see the doctor? I thought I broke my foot. Turns out I just tore a ligament, but badly. I think it’s been… one and half-two months and it’s only JUST starting to feel truly better. Day one, I couldn’t even walk. Days after, I had to have help. Then for weeks it was nothing but walking at a snail’s pace on the side of my foot. I’m so surprised it wasn’t broken. Post a recent picture of yourself. WOW what timing considering I took a picture yesterday, and I barely ever take any. I EVEN PUT MAKEUP ON!!!

[four-loose-screws]

Their Sealed Pasts - FE4 Short Story Translation - Section 1

If you would like to start from the beginning, read a missed part, etc., click here!

FE Game Script Translations - FE Novel Translations - Original FE Support Conversations - Ko-fi

I consider this a “section” and not a “part” because it’s a break that I defined myself. This short story was not broken up into parts by the author.

T/W: Half-sibling incest. Direct implications of sex, but no explicit scenes.

———————————

Their Sealed Pasts

Short Story #5 of Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War - The Last of the Earth Dragon Tribe

Section 1

It was love at first sight.

The young man really should have asked himself why.

However, this was the first time that he’d ever been in love, so he didn’t even think to question it.

The young woman looked terrified. The expression clouded her beauty a bit, but she’d already stolen his heart, so it did not change how he felt about her at all.

‘I want to take away whatever is that’s scaring her. I want to know just how beautiful her smile is.’

He raised his hand, ordering the butler that had brought her in to leave the room.

The butler explained that he’d found her standing in front of the villa that morning, looking completely lost.

When he’d tried to ask her some questions, she didn’t answer, but he guessed from her exquisite dress and finely crafted circlet that she must be of royal lineage. That was why he’d chosen to bring her before his lord.

When he was finished, he left the room.

The young man told the young woman,“You may sit here for now.”

She sat in the chair without saying a word.

"Could you tell me your name, please?"

She simply stared back, looking very confused.

"You're right, I should introduce myself first, shouldn't I? I am Duke Arvis of Velthomer. Now it's your turn."

She furrowed her brows and mumbled, "D? D…"

"'D'? That's it? Just 'D'?" He asked as cheerfully as he could.

"De… De…" It appeared to be on the tip of her tongue.

'Impossible! She can't even remember her own name!?'

Finally, she made progress. "De… Deir… Deir…"

"Deir? Sounds like you're almost there! Deir. Now what's the last part?"

"Deir… Deir… Deirdre!"

"Deirdre? What a beautiful name you have, Deirdre. Now, can you tell me your parents' names?"

Her eyebrows furrowed once again.

However, this time, not even the first sound came out of her mouth.

Finally, she said, sadly, "I can't remember."

"I see. How about your home, then? Do you remember where you live?"

She paused again. "I'm sorry. I don't remember at all."

"You have no need to apologize. You must have undergone some kind of shock and lost your memory. You can stay at this villa until you remember. I'm sure that'll be in two, maybe three day's time at most. After that, I'll take you to your parents."

"Thank you." She finally looked relaxed.

To Arvis, her face in that moment was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

ー

It was early winter of Gran Year 758, and Arvis was very busy.

The large-scale plan that he had been working on for years was now in its final stages.

And that plan was to dismantle the current political structure of Jugdral, and build a utopia.

Not only was he Sage Warrior Fjalar's successor, but the blood of the Loptyrian Emperor Galle also coursed through his veins.

He’d learned of his Loptyrian bloodline on the night of his fifteenth birthday, when he was visited by Bishop Manfroy of the Loptr Church. If the world were to ever find out the truth, then he'd be burned at the stake.

It worried him for a long, long time, until finally, he decided that he would create a society without discrimination. 

'This is something that only I, who shares the blood of both a Crusader and Loptous, can do.'

To make his utopia a reality, he decided that he had to completely destroy the world as it was. At that time, he had not even turned twenty yet, and had no idea what just what kind of tragedies would have to occur for that to happen. He'd simply been a boy drunk on his newfound sense of purpose.

To destroy the world as it was, he decided to use the Loptr Church, whose power over Jugdral was growing stronger and stronger by the day.

'Once I create my ideal society, the Loptr Church will be naught but one officially recognized religion. Nothing more, nothing less. Just by promising them that much, they have granted me power that I could have never dreamed of. And I am the only one who could have thought of such a plan.'

The Loptr Church's priests planted seeds of dissatisfaction and jealousy into the hearts of the many rulers and influential nobles of Jugdral. Those seeds budded and blossomed into a war that spread across the entire continent, dismantling the old system's authority and order in one fell swoop. Now, it was time to reap in the harvest.

Grannvale's sole inheritor to the throne, Prince Kurt, had been assassinated, and Duke Byron was scapegoated for that crime. After that, his son, Prince Sigurd, had been accused of plotting a rebellion alongside High Priest Claud.

Sigurd and his troops fled to Silesse, where Queen Rahna welcomed them. But word was that civil war would soon break out in Silesse, and it was a win-win situation for Arvis, no matter which side emerged victorious. All Silesse had to do was go to war. Then, he could send a large army to pick off the winner, and end the fighting for good. He would leave that to Dukes Lombard and Reptor.

Since the prince's death, the entire country of Grannvale was in a state not unlike that of an illness. Even if he stayed quiet, the country would fall right into his hands.

ー

Arvis ordered his butler to treat Deirdre as a distinguished guest, then left for the royal palace.

Besides him, there were two other people who had power in the Grannvalian government, Dukes Lombard and Reptor. While their titles were equal to his, ever since Prince Kurth's assassination, Arvis had clearly been the one on top.

Arvis entered the government meeting room, heard the reports that the representatives from each area of Jugdral had to give, then announced his decisions and gave his orders. After that, he managed to squeeze in lunch, and his work continued on into the afternoon.

He finally finished just before four, choosing to cancel all his evening appointments, and return to his villa.

He found Manfroy waiting for him in his room, who reported that Silesse's Duke Maios had finally attacked Sigurd's army.

Everything was going according to plan.

Once he was done giving his report, Manfroy disappeared into the wall.

Since the beginning, Manfroy had always come and gone like a shadow. It annoyed Arvis that someone came into his bedroom as he pleased, but it was necessary to keep his involvement with the Loptr Church a secret.

'Once the Loptr Church is officially recognized, I won't allow it anymore.'

Arvis took off his Roten Ritter uniform, and chose his attire for his dinner with Deirdre.

He put on slim grey pants, a matching vest, and a blue coat, then finished off his look with a red cravat that fit with the current fashions popular among the nobles.

'With this, I won't look too formal.' He thought as he looked at himself in the mirror.

Deirdre was already waiting for him at the dining room table.

"How are you doing, Deirdre? Has your memory returned to you yet?"

She shook her head.

"Don't worry. You'll get it back soon."

The butler poured each of them a glass of fine Grannvalian wine.

"Let's propose a toast, shall we? May your memory return soon!"

She smiled slightly.

He could tell that she was happy, even if only a little bit.

Once dinner was served, he was so concerned about what she thought of him, that he didn't remember how the food tasted at all.

The biggest problem was coming up with things to talk about.

When eating with someone for the first time, it's best to ask about the other person. But without her memories, there was nothing he could ask her about.

He had little choice other than to share court gossip.

He told her of a man who'd confessed his love to a beautiful woman, who then flatly turned him down; of two nobles who'd fought over the same woman, both putting each other down to win the girl, only for her to refuse them both; and of a young wife with an elderly husband who was having a secret affair.

He was happy that she seemed to be interested in his conversations, as he'd worried that she wouldn't be.

Before he knew it, it was time for dessert.

"Shall we eat together again tomorrow night?"

She nodded happily in response.

It was the best day of his life.

ー

They began to eat together every night.

He could sense that she liked him.

On the night of the third day, he found himself considering confessing his feelings over and over again. However, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

'This love is the greatest feeling in the world.' He thought, and desired to do whatever it took to take their relationship to the next level.

Her memory had yet to return. He began to wish that she would return his feelings more than he wished for her to get her memory back.

ー

It was the night of the tenth day.

When they finished their meal and he retired to his room for the night, Manfroy appeared before him.

"What are you doing here at this hour? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing has happened."

"Then why are you here?"

"It’s so unlike you to question me like this, Lord Arvis..."

“Don’t act all high-and-mighty with me! What is it you want to speak with me about!?”

"The beautiful young woman you found."

"What about her?"

"Last night, she started leaving her bedroom door unlocked."

"You creep! What reason would you have to spy on her!?"

"She is waiting for you. Her unlocked door is sure proof of that. Surely you'll return her feelings, won't you?"

"Get out of my sight, Manfroy, and mind your own business."

"I apologize for upsetting you. As you wish, I will won’t go near her room ever again. Take care of yourself." He said before his body turned into a shadow and disappeared.

Arvis hated it when people trespassed in private places, and was extremely agitated by Manfroy’s spontaneous visit.

He got into bed, but couldn't sleep.

It was only natural that he couldn't keep his mind off of Deirdre.

"She is waiting for you." Manfroy's words echoed in his head.

Part of him felt that Manfroy was right, but another part of him felt that Manfroy was wrong.

Then, he thought, 'What if she is actually waiting for me, then what?'

Once that thought crossed his mind, he couldn't get it out of his head.

He thought through every little thing she had done that night. Her every word, her every expression, and her every action.

Those words, those expressions, those actions…

‘She wouldn’t talk to me or look at me the way she does if she didn’t love me too… Everything she does points to one truth… She is waiting for me.'

Lust, and the desire to figure out just what was going between them, swirled around in his head, leading him to one conclusion.

'If she did leave her door unlocked and Manfroy is right, then she just forgot to lock it. I need to check and see if he was telling the truth.'

He got out of bed, grabbed a candlestick, and went to her room.

He worried about how he would explain himself if he ran into anyone, but fortunately, he didn't.

He stopped and stood in front of her door.

'I should just go back right now,' he thought, but then continued, 'No, it's best I check first.'

When he put his hand on the doorknob, his heart was beating so loudly that he could hear it.

The knob turned.

He pushed the door and heard it click open.

‘It really is unlocked. I’ll have to tell her in the morning to be more careful from now on.’ He thought as he began to close the door.

‘But if she is awake, then what if she noticed that someone opened her door? I need to go in and check whether or not she’s sleeping. If she is, I’ll just go back to my room, but if she’s awake, I’ll need to explain to her why I opened her door.’

He walked inside her room and closed the door.

He noticed her bed, next to the window.

He tiptoed over to it, and saw her sleeping.

‘She looks so perfect when she’s asleep.’ He thought. ‘I love you, Deirdre.’

Satisfied, he turned around to return to his room.

But then, her eyes opened.

‘Oh no! I woke her up!’

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything, and just stood there.

There was no way she couldn’t know that he was there.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"I couldn't sleep…"

"Why?"

"I-I couldn't stop thinking about you."

'I’m not telling her the whole truth. I need to tell her about the lock.' He thought, but then saw her pale arms come out from under her blanket.

She was reaching for him.

She brought her hands up to his face, then wrapped her arms around his neck.

They kissed long and hard before he even realized what was happening.

"I love you, Deirdre."

"I love you, too."

They kissed again.

There was nothing left for them to say to each other.

Arvis took off his shirt and climbed into her bed.   

He had been cold, so the blanket was so warm that it surprised him. And her body was just as warm…

He hugged her as tightly as he could.

Then, he unbuttoned the front of her nightgown, and pressed his naked chest against her own.

"Marry me, Deirdre." He breathed, wanting to convey his true feelings before making love to her.

[blackbatpurplecat]

My Thoughts on Joker (2019)

Alright. I’ve finally seen Joker.

Warning: SPOILERS ahead!

It’s a well-made movie. The cinematography is good, the use of music is absolutely outstanding, Phoenix carries the film with his quite decent performance. I really liked his laugh towards the end! I was surprised at how little dialogue was in it, it was more about nice shots and slowmos while we were following Arthur Fleck through his despressing life and mental decline. And we got a few DC references too.

Unfortunately, it didn’t live up to the hype to me. I had wrongly expected much more after the big buildup surrounding the movie’s release. The trailer had made me want to see it, reviewers have been praising it, saying it’ll have a big influence on future DC films and even movies in general - I don’t see that though. Sure, its success might change DC/WB’s approach to turning their characters into movies but Joker wasn’t a gamechanger. It’s basically about a depressed dude who makes bad decisions and blames others for the consequences, nothing new. A dude who takes revenge on those who treated him badly but spares the good people, not very Joker-y. And let’s not define what mental illness he has or what kind of sOcIeTy the characters live in, let’s keep things as vague as possible and don’t focus too much on world building.

What I don’t understand is people’s comments on how violent and disturbing the movie is - it REALLY is not! The most violent moment is when he’s stabbing his ex colleague in the eye but that’s it, the rest is nothing too graphic or gory or overwhelmingly bloody. Even when he’s killing his mother, all we see is a close-up of his face, the camera doesn’t linger on her (which I prefer. don’t fetishize killing, just show us how it affects the main character).

While I noticed some points that didn’t make sense (e.g. who recorded him?! that movie doesn’t take place during the cellphone era!), moments that weren’t necessary (movie, you don’t have to explain that his girlfriend was just an illusion, your audience isn’t dumb), moments that were too predictable (his mom was insane? his girlfriend wasn’t real? he killed the man he had idolised? wHo WoUlD hAvE tHoUgHt?!), and moments that were dangerously close to “I’m 14 and this is deep” or were taking themselves WAY too seriously so I couldn’t help but cringe, I did enjoy the last 30 min and kinda liked the ambigous ending.

It’s very likely that the finale was just another delusion. Like killing Robert De Niro, walking away from TWO car accidents, the city so easily falling into chaos, the Waynes getting killed (are we REALLY doing this?!), even Arthur chasing the ward through the halls in the very last shot were possibly just Arthur’s fantasy. Maybe they caught him earlier in the movie and the rest is just him thinking of what could have been. Granted, “it was all a dream” is a bad trope and the makers will 100% use it to explain away script issues, but it’s okay here. It’d be part of the character’s development: at the beginning, he imagined himself to be liked and famous for being nice and at the end, he’s imagining himself being famous for doing bad things since killing those 3 douchebags no one knew but no one liked for some reason (?!?!?! imagine if that happened in real life: a man wearing a clown mask shoots 3 random guys dead and people reacted with I’M GLAD THEY DIED! THAT MAN IS A HERO!) made him feel appreciated by hundreds. Since he couldn’t handle the fact that he was adopted, he made Bruce an orphan (btw that child actor was horrible). You just don’t know for sure what is real and what isn’t anymore, similar to Arthur. It’s up to interpretation.

I’m relieved that this is a DC movie without any universe behind it, no sequels or prequels are planned, it’s just ONE movie telling the story of what made an already deranged man take the last step to becoming a killer. I probably would have enjoyed it more if it didn’t have any ties to DC though. Like Nolan’s shitlogy, this didn’t have to be a DC movie. This could have been an entirely original character, the source material wasn’t needed at all to make the story work.

Phoenix’ take on the character was slightly closer to the actual Joker than Ledger’s take from 7 years ago but it was mostly its own thing. Dunno how many more actors and alternative interpretations they’ll burn through until we finally get to the Joker we all know from the comics. While Arthur Fleck was mildly intriguing, I stand by what I said eons ago: I don’t need this version of the Joker, I don’t need a Joker origin movie. If you can actually call it that because Fleck will be either a geriatric or, more likely, dead by the time Bruce becomes Batman. If that is even a possibility in the more realistic universe of the movie...

To sum it up, Joker was a good movie, possibly DC’s best movie so far, but I doubt I’ll ever watch it again. The script was its biggest problem, it wasn’t nearly as clever as it thought it was, there were no risks, no horror nor fun (and I think these are the two main ingredients of Joker’s character), and Arthur wasn’t particularly interesting until he doned the orange suit.

However, I still recommend it because they put effort into making it - something you can’t usually say about DC movies.

Random note: I was SO happy when I saw Marc Maron from Glow show up!

[chasing-rabbits]

I think something people find hard to deal with when it comes to borderline personality disorder is it literally affects ALL emotional states. Not just mania and severe depression but trust love paranoia anger anguish etc etc it affects everything and unlike most people who can stay in charge of their emotions most of the time or at least damage control most of us with BPD can't the difference is physiogically we actually feel emotions more intensely and we feel these emotions for longer so it's really hard to explain to someone why the smallest thing sets us into suciidal idealisation but to us it's a really big deal because our emotions are unstable and unregulated and it takes a lot of therapy and work that often times isn't even offered to us because alot of people are skeptical of the disorder and even then it's not something that will ever go away like an addict we will always have to be on guard of our emotions we can't even. Let ourselves just be happy because so often a normal event like for me Xmas time can trigger manic episodes and this then causes me to drink and spend excessively and to not sleep and to be super unstable and you think well hey just learn to control it but the issue is it's not a slow burner for me one minute I'm depressed and suicidal an hour later I'm triggered into severe mania and it will last the whole weekend leading up to Xmas sometimes a whole week before Xmas you know ? And it just happens like the flick of a switch and that's really hard to prepare for because in other conditions for example I have bipolar it's usually a slow burner and I can pre-empt and even figure out my cycles for example I used to be mixed affective in the new year and manic over Easter and this happened every year for 3 years before I was officially diagnosed so I kinda knew also it was never as intense I felt depressed and sad and cried I felt manic and happy and drank but BPD is on a whole other level what I felt with BPD was even more intense and more unstable because of its unpredictability than the bipolar ever was .

That's the problem . People hear bipolar and think damn that's awful people hear borderline personality disorder and think eh it's nothing she's just melodramatic because it can appear that we are divas because we get triggered by the littlest of things but that's how it is and I've been told multiple times by professionals I will just grow out of it . But honestly that idea is so toxic that it just simply goes away forever and I've been told medication won't help and the only therapy they offer includes the first half focusing on mindfulness which actually can make someone with BPD more suicidal and this group therapy isn't even specific to those with BPD it's one therapy fits all and that's toxic logic . So my mum might end up paying for therapy for me because I can't afford it.

But so many therapists and doctors aren't even educated well enough on borderline personality disorder or are critics of it so even in the professionals eyes their is stigma attached to having this diagnosis .

And there in lies the problem.

This disorder has made me attempt suicide 3 time and self harm more times than I can count.

I did everything from cutting to burning to hitting myself with heavy objects to scratching my legs to pieces .

And yet it's still not seen as serious or taken seriously or even diagnosed correctly by professionals.

And this stigma NEEDS to stop.

BPD is a dangerous disorder and often gets the person suffering it engaging in self destructive behaviours from self harm to full blown eating disorders to suicide attempts to drug and substance abuse this illness comes with deadly consequences because it leads to wreckless impulsive behaviours.

And just remember this next time we are intensely scared of abandonment and because of this we may lash out at loved ones and friends but it comes out of a place of fear and instead of dismissing us you should try to talk to us get us to communicate these fears as to better understand what may seem as histrionic diva behaviours. And then we can work on our behaviours to further better our trust issues and fears of abandonment !

For example I now express these fears with my partner and tell him directly I need you to cuddle me reassure me even if you've done it a million times today I just need to hear you say it again. And yes sometimes he gets frustrated with me because there's only so many times someone can reassure you in a day. But also this has helped me grow. Even without therapy anymore I tried the therapy offered and the mindfulness made me feel awful also I wasn't actually allowed to talk about any of my issues because it would or could trigger others in the group so it was a pile of shit.

But I've grown over time too from reading and listening to others with BPD and their experiences with partners and how they handle it . And the biggest thing was on YouTube video I found one day where she said communication was everything and how you've gotta explain the thought process behind your beliefs and actions because to an outsider even a loved one our thoughts are hard to decode even to ourselves sometimes it's hard to understand the underlying issue causing the meltdown. And also she is the one that said sometimes you have to be direct and say exactly what you need down to every last detail because yes you have to learn to handle things on your own sometimes but this idea that we cannot ever be dependent on a good support system is bullshit people with disorders and especially BPD NEED an excellent support system in which they can express their feelings and feel validated and understood and have a place they can be themselves because one of the root causes of BPD is when in childhood said child is not allowed to express emotions and if they do they are invalidated or ignored or told off for showing them.

As well as other abuses causing BPD .

So when we get older we have all these maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm because we've been told our emotions our pain isn't real or isn't valid and causing visible pain on the form of cuts and scars and bruises or even in the form of an eating disorder almost validates to ourselves that this pain was and is real and it does matter .

And that's why self harm is a criteria for BPD.

And it's so hard because so often because of our past we now over react to little situations minor arguments with tears and fears of abandonment and this leads people to think we are a drama queen and over reacting for attention or faking it for attention but in our minds our fears and thoughts of Self harm and suicide are very very real. Because we have little handle on our emotions . Or our impulsive dangerous thoughts . So as a child we are invalidated and then when we develop BPD we are once again invalidated and this time viewed as inauthentic or over reacting drama queens for attention which then leads us to fall deeper into our pit of despair because no one understands our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

They see our bpd behaviours but don't understand the reasons why and instead of saying oh it's because she's mentally ill and has a personality disorder it's criticised as even being a disorder and is instead a young adult playing up for attention or spoilt brat syndrome and that it's something we will simply grow out of as if it's a phase rather than something that has been built out of years of invalidation and abuse and was our only way of coping and now we've lost all control of our emotional state and the issue with personality disorders is people are like don't let your mental illness define you but with a personality disorder especially one like borderline personality disorder which affects everything you think or do or feel it's very very hard because from a young teen or pre teen where we develop personality traits we have developed this disorder that literally molds and shapes our personality and what it means to be us and whilst you can change to an extent and try to overcome this it's very very hard to entirely leave it behind and yes whilst I have my own unique traits and styles of dressing and jokes and humour that you could argue make up my personality it doesn't take long to put two people with BPD in a room and see the striking similar personality traits that make us these maladaptive beings due to our past.

Whether people want to agree or not our emotions in this case are not always in our control and we aren't acting out on purpose or for attention it's usually out of fear or intense emotional pain and quite often it feels as though someone else is controlling our emotional responses quite often people with BPD have identity crises because when they are diagnosed and educated on BPD it becomes very aware that our emotions and traits are not always ours but the disorders and you find yourself questioning who am I without my disorder like I know who I would be without my bipolar but I honestly can't say I'm at the point yet where I'd say I know who I would be without bpd because for so long it's all I've known from my childhood to young adulthood I've never known anything different about myself and where does my real personality start and my disorder end because my disorder whether I like it or not does affect me fundamentally as who I am how I behave what I do and where I go and the jobs I hold etc etc and my realtionships with those around me more so than most other disorders because as it says in the name it's a personality disorder and that is why it's so hard to diagnose because the symptoms and criteria in the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use just lists mostly a list of personality traits BUT these traits are all normal traits healthy people could have as my psychology professor taught me but it's up to the professional to judge if you experience them to a higher degree than others and certain traits together then it's a personality disorder this is also why self diagnosis is extremely dangerous because you could look at the criteria for BPD and say that fits my personality but you don't know if you experience these personality traits so severely that you'd be considered as having BPD I got my bipolar diagnosis super quick but it took at least 6months maybe a year even before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder!

This disorder has one of the higher sucide rates and this is for good reason because having BPD often brings its friends in the form of addictions and dangerous impulsive risky behaviours .

And yet no one takes it seriously we don't have documentaries about it compared to bipolar or schizophrenia or anorexia no one talks about the deadly killer that is borderline personality disorder and that needs to change !

[mc-critical]

Hellooo me spamming your page again lol, I saw in the answer to my ask you count Gülbahar as one of the most toxic mothers in the franchise. Why do you think that is?

Hi! Don't worry about it, I enjoy answering your questions a lot! :)

To be honest, Gülbahar is fascinating to me, not only because she is a very nuanced character and an amazing antagonist to Kösem, but also because she revels in hypocrisy and manipulation in an obvious, yet subtle way. When she met Bayezid, there were quite some scenes, where you couldn't even tell whether she was sincere or not. This whole facade seemed to be a stark contrast to who she was to begin with, but then, honestly, you find that her scenes with Bayezid are the sincerest Gülbahar's ever been and this is exactly how her toxicity as a mother begins.

On one hand, her situation is inherently understandable and sympathetic - she hadn't seen her child in 10 years and due to her being exiled, all she could do, was hope and wait to see him again. Her first scene with Bayezid was her at the bottom of her heart and soul, and I loved it: her seeing him after so many years, the way she hugged him, spoke to him, letting so many feelings reawaken inside of her... I've never seen a mother of the franchise smother her child with as much affection and it was so indescribably profound and touching, precisely because of the situation both were in. And I'm glad to say that this effect was kept consistent with all their scenes and I loved watching all of them, despite of all the problems I have with her motherhood.

On the other hand, this exact same situation is very telling of both her motherhood and her motivations. She endured what no other mother of this franchise had gone through - Without her child, I feel that unlike any of them, she lost touch of her motherhood. She detached from the very concept of it. Never having seen her child for so many years, she could only imagine what he looked like. She missed his growth, she missed his upbringing, she missed his touch, she couldn't hug him, she couldn't show him her love and affection no longer. Ten years doesn't sound as such a long period of time, but for a mother that is away from her child and the child himself, it feels like eternity, with Bayezid even telling Gülbahar that he had forgotten what she looked like. She may have been with him as a very small child, but enough time has passed for her not to remember it anymore. She had no way to remember it anymore.

And with her being so many miles away from a big part of her being she couldn't catch up with, what did she do? Scheme. Plan and scheme to go back to the castle. When her child wasn't there, what was left for her was to focus on the other object of her desire - her ambition to get revenge and put Bayezid on the throne. Her character establishing moment in the second season was a mention of her coup, which says a lot. She attempted a coup: this is the first thing we learned about her. She isn't the type of person to stand by and watch. This ambition had always been inside of her (and normally so), before she was even properly introduced as a main character. She was the rejected woman in Sultan Ahmet's court, even more rejected than Mahfiruze, and I don't think she knew love of any kind all too well, she lived with this desire to urgently get her son on the throne all her life and when she was exiled, it got even stronger with her gaining such vendetta on Sultan Murat and Kösem. She had been feeding up this yoke for years, it becoming what it defines her now.

Yes, she was sending letters to Bayezid, but these letters were as much of her desire to see him, as to use him to convince Murat to bring her back or for Bayezid to go visit her. Now, am I saying that she didn't want to see her child once again? Absolutely not! I feel that Gülbahar's motherly love for Bayezid is tremendous, and a part of her could indeed very well die without achieving what it wanted, but to still die happily, since she finally saw her own child. That's why her sadness and disappointment was so enormously strong, when she thought Bay had turned his back on her. But what I wanted to say is, this everlonging ambition of hers, as the central motive of her character, clouds every possible shred of decent parenting she could've given him. After so much time in exile, I feel she didn't know how to properly protect him.

There comes another aspect of her toxic motherhood - manipulation. In order to achieve her life-long goal, she used him in every possible scenario. From her writing him letters back in her exile, lying to everyone, including him, that she has a terminal illness, setting him up against Murat and Kösem in dangerous ways (I understand why she set him against Murat, because he indeed is very dangerous and unpredictable, but I think that setting him against Kösem was a big auto goal, because she would never work against him unless he personally worked against the country. Kösem loved him to bits, and saw in him her own son, with her telling him he's dead to her, only when he directly threatened her.), doing that all consciously and openly, putting him into the fire herself, while thinking she's right to do so, because he's "in the center of the fire" and "they were born in a war". The way she pretended she was innocent in the beginning and drilled into his head that they both were just misunderstood only empowered his wish to see his mother in the best light possible. Sure, Bayezid didn't idealize her, but the gaping hole in his heart from the separation from her was always standing there, crippling him from within and that made him very prone to her manipulation and it was much easier for him to listen to her - she's something he was denied of for a long time and now that they've reunited with each other... Bayezid probably would rather to be together with her on this path than to give up on the figure he missed so dearly and so wished to see.

Gülbahar played a big part of Bayezid's transition from the envied, but just şehzade that doesn't wish for the throne, to the literal biggest threat to both Murat and Kösem that would do whatever it takes to get the throne. She helped him to see the other side (but especially, Kösem) in limiting extremes, trying so desperately to "introduce" him to her ways. He ultimately turned into a tool for her and when she was saved from death itself, still didn't want to give up on her cause, no matter that this is what her son wanted, telling him that there's no other life for her beside him. Even though she played innocent at first, he was, in fact, the only one she could be sincere to and couldn't play in front of. As the series progressed, as all these scenes followed one another, she told him stuff and what she was telling him, rang more and more true in Bayezid's eyes, until he finally gave in, declaring that what she said was absolutely, always right. I think the scene where Bayezid stood against Kösem highlights best his newfound beliefs: he not only disregarded everything she said, but used elitism on her, the person that had taken care of him during all these years, having such a strong urge to cover for his mother, even though he knew she would never change her ways and he was now okay with that. The former Bayezid would never do any of this, he wouldn't be okay with all this. Gülbahar and Sinan wanted so badly to get Bayezid on their side, without even realizing that this would be their ultimate downfall. Unfortunately, they both only sealed his death.

[s-nebul0sa]

Just for that I have to work and can't go outside. Every even number 😄 have fun in the sun

🖕🏼🖕🏼😘😘 Thanks for asking

2. A picture of me:

You know it’s not gonna happen. So here is a very realistic and life-like drawing of me I totally did not make in 2 minutes time on my phone without any pencil thing or anything. My actual face is not as crooked I think. (And paler. I just compared and less reddish/pink)

4. Last time I cried and why?

Err.. I think maybe Sunday? Because I was anxious and wouldn’t stop being anxious. Otherwise, definitely Friday because same reason plus I was reading a fic.

6. Favourite band:

Omg I know nothing of bands. What are bands? Uhhmm I’ll pick the first one that comes to mind. When I look at my spotify playlist because I can’t come up with anything. I’m terrible at this okay. Is pentatonix a band? If not, sucks for you cause I’m still picking them.

8. Top 5 candies:

Black liquorice (look, I’m Dutch, don’t blame me, this stuff is in my veins. And yes, I mean the salty versions because we ignore that fake ‘sweet’ shit (unless it’s the coins version))

Haribo apple rings

Haribo anything else really

Lion bars

Katja yoghurt gums 

10. Biggest turn ons:

As if I’m self aware enough to know this… Fine. I’ll try 😋

Geeking out over stuff. Being excited about ‘nerdy’ stuff. Red lipstick. Being interested in me. Breathing/being alive.

I think that’s some of them probably.

12. Ideas of a perfect date:

Something where you can talk or not have to sit still for hours. I’ve never been on a date actually so I don’t know what I like. But like, talking seems good. Getting to know each other. But on the other hand, laser gaming sounds fun too. So something that’s either fun like laser gaming or laid back like a picnic.

14. Piercings I want:

None. I have pierced ears and I don’t even want that anymore (got them pierced when I was a kid and really wanted it…)

16. Favourite movie:

I think I’ve said this before but I’m not good with ‘favourite’ anything. So err the parent trap? Because I think that’s the movie I’ve seen most and it does always manage to entertain me even though I know the plot by heart.

18. Phobia:

I’m not sure if these are phobias or fears but: the dark, heights, fire…. and probably some more vague/not as material shit like losing friends.

20. Height: 

167.5 cm (yes, very important that 0.5 cm)

22. What’s your shoe size?

39

24. Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

Nope

26. What’s one thing you regret?

I don’t like to think about this stuff because I end up in a spiral of negative thoughts and memories I cannot change. So I’ll keep it simple. Not buying better ice cream when I went to the store the other day. 

28. Favourite ice cream?

Italian ice cream from the one ice cream place in the village my mom works. Specifically, cinnamon and stracciatella flavour.

30. What my last text message says:

“I think I’m getting a real bad cold. Or ill. I hope the first.” (This is a translation, also not a text but whatsapp is the European/Dutch equivalent of texting these days)

32. Have you ever painted your room?

Yes, I didn’t like the unpainted walls because that’s ugly so I didn’t really have another option. Also, I think it was one of the requirements for moving in here. 

34. Have you ever slept naked?

I have, when it was really really hot.

36. Have you ever had a crush?

Yes, I think. Okay, no. Yes, I’m pretty sure.

38. Have you ever stolen money from a friend?

No, never.

40. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Not really. I’ve punched someone before but I don’t think they hit back (I punched her in the face and she had braces and apparently that hurt…)

42. Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

To be determined.

44. Have you ever made out with a stranger?

No

46. Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

I do it all the time. Badass, huh. Or do you mean when I was a minor and living with them? In that case, no I didn’t dare.

48. Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

No, I was too much of a goody-two-shoes.

50. Have you ever seen someone die?

No, thank Rao.

52. Have you ever kissed a picture?

I’m pretty sure I had to do that in play once (just a peck). Don’t think I ever did it myself ‘in real life’ though.

54. Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now?

That’s one weirdly worded question. At least, my brain thinks so. But I’m not currently missing someone and I don’t get the other half…

56. Have you ever made a snow angel?

Yes, many.

58. Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

I was the sorest loser you’ll ever meet when I was a kid and I cheated all the time to avoid losing. I’d be the bank in all the games that needed someone to take care of that and then slip myself money or resources. 😂😂 I don’t cheat anymore, I just don’t play to win and then I don’t mind not winning.

60. Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

I’ve fallen asleep waiting for someone to come study while I was sitting at uni, but that was tucked away in a corner of a couch that was behind another couch with a super high back so no one saw me except my friend. Other than that, I don’t think I have.

62. Have you ever felt an earthquake?

I don’t think I have.

64. Have you ever ran a red light?

By bike, many a times. By car? Never.

66. Have you ever had detention?

Not a thing here, so no.

68. Have you ever hated the way you look?

Yes, often.

70. Have you ever pole danced?

Yes. I sucked. The muscles you need for that man… 

Want some context? It was during the introduction week for uni and we got to do some sports at the sports centre and every group was just assigned which sports they got to do. We got assigned pole dancing (and some others).

72. Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

Depends on what you define as opposite. I have been to the opposite side of where I live now and I guess also kind of from my parents. But my country is super tiny so I’ve been in most (general) places….

74. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

I have

76. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

Definitely.

78. Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

No

80. Have you ever sang in the shower?

Yes

82. Have you ever dreamt that you married someone?

I once dreamt I had a husband who passed away (and woke up sobbing only to realise a solid 10 minutes later I had never even married someone, nor liked someone enough to want to). 

84. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

Are flag poles so prevalent in the U.S. that you actually know where to find one to get your tongue stuck to? Also, did they never teach you about touching cold objects with bare skin, especially wet skin like the tongue?

86. Have you ever been a cheerleader?

Also not a thing here, so no. And if it were a thing here, it’d also be a no probably.

88. Have you ever brushed your teeth?

Rao, I hope no one ever answers ‘no’ to this question. (So that’s a ‘yes’ for me.)

90. Have you ever played chicken?

What is this? Just pretend that you’re a chicken? Or is this some game I don’t know? It’s no to either I guess.

92. Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

I’ve probably been shouted at something along those lines. I mean, I’ve also been shouted at I got ‘nice tits’ whilst wearing a thick winter coat and a long scarf over it so I doubt it was even visible I had them in the first place…. Men… 🙄

94. Have you ever been easily amused?

I guess? 

96. Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?

I probably mooned my sister. But to be fair, someone allowed this Asian cartoon on a kids network and that boy mooned everyone so my sister started doing it too. I can only assume that if I ever mooned anyone myself, it was in this context and I did it to my sister. (That cartoon got banned and I watched some stuff on youtube the other day and damn what idiot thought that was appropriate for kids?!)

98. Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

Yes, especially when being introduced to many new people. 

100. Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

I don’t know whether this exists (except if I don’t know this thing about me either). I talk about wanting a pet but I’m also kinda scared of animals?

[linoholic]

Poly!Wonpil/Sana

Requested: anon asked:  hey!!!! I really love your writing alot, and I've been reading your stuff for a while. May I request a poly sana and wonpil scenario? I know it sounds weird, but I love day6/twice interactions and I've seen cute moments together :')

Pairing: Day6 Wonpil x Twice Sana x Reader

Genre: college!au

Warnings: it’s like pg13? unedited

A million years later and it is done. No lie, I rewrote this like 500 times because I was never happy with it. I love these two so much considering they are my biases and all and I really didn’t do them justice. (Also thank you anon for giving me this ship, as if I could be in a poly relationship these two would be my first choice)

You have been best friends with Sana for a few years now

Ever since she transferred into your class in highschool and you were put in charge of showing her around

You immediately got along like a house on fire once you realises you had many things in common

One of which was the fact that you were both the biggest flirts

You were already known as the school’s flirt

Nobody was safe: not your friends, other students, not even the lunch ladies

On outings with your friends you were always the one to order everything as a you always got free food and discounts with just a flash of your charming smile and honeyed words

You even got caught flirting with inanimate objects multiple times, something you shamelessly admit

Sometimes people labelled you with not so nice things, but most people knew that you had no ill intentions

It just came naturally and you enjoyed seeing people flustered, finding it adorable

And your compliments were never fake either

And then when Sana came along, you were ecstatic

Because as much as you loced seeing people all blushy, Sana flirted with you as much as ypu did her and it was a nice change of pace

Your friends didn’t enjoy it as much the two of you often teamed up with each other

Especially Momo and Mina, who couldn’t even pretend they didn’t understand anymore as Sana would just fire the cheesiest lines in Japanese at them

High school quickly passed by and soon it was time for the next part of your lives

Thankfully you and Sana had aced your college entrance exams and managed to snag places at the same one, which made you both real happy

And you were especially happy, as not only did it mean upu wouldn’t be separated from your bestie, but also your big time crush

Yes, you had done the cliche falling for your best friend

Not that it was easy to tell considering you still flirted with everything that moved and even didn’t move

But in between the smooches on your friends cheeks and the extra portions at lunch, you could be found with your head in your hands staring at the girl with literal heart eyes

Never one to beat around the bush, you decided that as soon as you had both settled into your respective dorms you would ask her out

And ask her out you did

During your first movie night in a dorm instead of at one of your houses, you were sniggled up to each other when you just spontaneously asked her on a date, to which she happily jumped into your arms with a ‘yes’

Or at least, that’s the scene you had imagined in your head

In reality you kept silent, subtlely glancing at Sana as the movie played, too scared to make a move

Not that you would ever admit to being scared of course; no, you were just waiting for the right moment

It was nearing the end of the movie when you finally got the courage to do something

A scene played on the tv that caused Sana to burst out laughing and looking at her so happy caused you heart to do flips

And it was at that moment you knew you had really fallen hard for her and that you would be yourself up if you let the chance to make her yours go

And the flirty part of you couldn’t let the opportunity to be cliche and cheest go, and so pretending to yawn, you stretch you arms up before letting them come to a rest behind Sana

In turn, the girl looks up at you, her pretty eyes widened in surprise and you could see her ears start to turn red

This gives you more courage and you smile softly down at her, squeezing her shoulder before pulling her in close to you

Neither of you really ask the other out, you’re already so close that to the two of you don’t really find the need to define anything

But things are definitely different between the two of you after that night

Which is pretty obvious considering that, well, kisses are a lot less platonic that the skinship you usually shared with your friends

It takes everyone a while to catch onto the change in your relationship considering you and Sana act basically exactly the same as you did when you were just friends

They don’t realise that dates are actual dates as the two of you always went out together prior

And neither of you have let go of your flirty natures

You still team up to make people flustered

In fact it was only when you absentmindedly call Sana you girlfriend in front of everyone

At first they didn’t catch on considering you were always teasingly calling people your boyfriend or girlfriend

But they definitely caught on when Sana turnes to you all excited and planted a big one on our lips

She couldn’t stop the butterflies in her stomach or the grin on her face as you called her your girlfriend sincerely

After you had officially come out as a thing, you quickly became seen as one of the campus’ power couples

Not only were you both total visuals, but everybody envied your relationship

They loved the way you acted adorable with each other, they way you looked after each other, and the way you trusted each other completely

Because with the personalities you both had, people though jealousy would be inevitable what with the constant flirting with anything and everything

But you and Sana understood each other and were very open with your feelings

If either of you thought literally anything good or bad, you would talk it out and figure things out

Communication was key for the both of you

Which is how Wonpil came into the relationship

It all started during a date between you and Sana

One of your mutual friends, Jae, had convinced you to check out his band Day6 at one of the gigs they were playing and you and Sana had agreed, deciding to make a date of it while you were at it

And so dressed up nicely, you walked hand in hand to the venue, one of the nicer bars in town

Throughout the night you and Sana had a drink or two and rocked along to the music

Throughout the night though, one of the band members catch your eye

The cutie playing the keyboard

Not only do you think he is gorgeous, but his voice sends shivers up your spine

When you point this out to Sana, she nods quickly, her head almost falling off of her shoulders

Apparently he had caught her eye too and for the rest of the night the two of you pay extra attention to him, giggling together when he looks up and catches your eye only to look back at his keyboard blushing when you wink at him

And the two of you find his expression when said keyboard suddenly drops a bit absolutely adorable

Sadly though, the night quickly comes to an end and you and Sana head back to the dorms high of the music and atmosphere

The next day you message Jae to tell him how good you thought he and the band were and after bragging a bit, he invites you and Sana along to one of their practices to which you quickly agree

As it turns out their next practice was that evening

Your girlfriend is practically skipping beside you as you make you way to the music building

Finally managing to navigate the halls, you arrive at the specified room and knock with one hand, your other carrying a few pizza boxes (a good way to kickstart friendship you found out)

Jae is the one to answer the door, ushering you and Sana into the room while calling out for the guys to come meet you

That’s when you meet Sungjin, Young K (or Brian, you aren’t quite sure) and Dowoon

They quickly make you and Sana feel welcome, and thank you for the pizza which you all quickly start digging into

You start to wonder where the cute keyboard player is when suddenly said man rushes into the room, panting slightly and running a hand through his hair as he apologises for being late

You and Sana immediately meet each others eyes and small smiles appear on both of your faces

“Yo Wonpil, this is y/n and their girlfriend Sana” Jae introduces around a slice of pizza

Wonpil says a hello as he is dumping his bag in some corner of the room, but immediately becomes silent as he turns around and catches sight of the two of you

Memories from the previous nights gig return to his mind and he can’t stop the tips of his ears from turning red

His blush only gets worse as they night goes on

You and Sana clap and dance along as they practice different songs, complimenting the group constantly

But the two of you can’t help but pay extra attention to Wonpil

The rest of the band finds it hilarious when you sit either side of the boy asking about music causing Wonpil to become a flustered mess at the close proximity

And everyone practically dies when Sana quite innocently comments on how quickly Wonpil’s fingers move across the keys

At that moment you are practically a puddle on the floor, dead from the innuendo, Wonpils blush and Sana’s adorably confused face

Over time you and Sana become pretty good friends with the band, supporting them at gigs and studying with the members often as college students do

You and Sana don’t let up on your flirting with Wonpil either

If anything, it gets more intense as the two of you stop flirting as much with other people and instead focus your attention on him

One of your friends, Jihyo, points this out one day as your hanging out at her dorm

At first you dismiss he idea that it’s anything more than innocent flirting like your usual, giving the excuse that most others are used to it and so don’t give reactions like his anymore

But the thought sticks in your mind

So much so that one day you are in your dorm with Sana, sat on your couch making out when you suddenly think ‘I wonder what it would be like to kiss Wonpil like thisx

You immediately feel guilty for even thinking that, especially in the middle of kissing your girlfriend and so you break away from Sana, leaving her to look confused when she sees your troubled face

But you hate keeping stuff from her, and so instead of brushing it off you tell her about it

Much to your surprise she doesn’t get angry, or jealous or any of the emotions you would expect

Instead she lights up and says “you too?”

Which prompts a heart to heart throughout which you talk about feelings and whatnot

You are both 100% sure that you love each other still, but you are also sure that you both fancy Wonpil at this point

A quick internet search helps stop your worries though as you read up on polyamory and by the end of it you are both discussing about how your feelings are valid and how out of all the different type of nonmonogamous relationships and polyamory, the stuff you both feel points to wanting to make Wonpil the third in your relationship

By the end of the night, instead of a heated argument like you kind of expected, you instead start debating on what you think Wonpil kisses like

(Sana is sure he is a cute, shy kisser whereas you are sure he is real passionate)

You flirting with Wonpil becomes a lot different after that

It’s a little more serious, less greasy as you re trying to figure out whether his reactions are beause he may fancy you and Sana as well, or if it is purely his natural reaction to any attention

You didn’t want to just jump into deep water, so to speak

After all, getting into a relationship is a pretty complicated thing, let alone getting in one that includes more than one other person

But you didn't have to wait too long

As Wonpil told Dowoon all about his ever growing feelings for you and your girlfriend

And Dowoon told Jae, who told Jimin, who told Bambam, who told Chan, who told Jihyo

Which ended up with Jihyo gatecrashing one of your dates, almost skipping in excitement

You see, Sana had confided in Jihyo about everything (with your consent of course)

And so of course Jihyo is going to get excited when she hears that her friends' crushes are returned

So after trying to burst out squealing in happiness in the middle of a busy coffee shop, the three of you brainstorm when and how to confess

It comes to your mind that Day6 would be performing at the upcoming charity fair that the school was putting on

The fair would be happening in the evening and your friend’s Nayeon and Woojin were a part of the team organising it and so you knew that it would be one of those really aesthetic fairs you see pictures of on pinterest

And what place for a better first date?

Mentioning this to Sana you come up with a plan and for the next couple of weeks, the two of you are unusually giddy from nervousness and excitement

But with the both of you caught up in wanting to give Wonpil the confession and (hopefully) first date he deserves, you get caught up in your own world together and sort of neglect your friends

Of course, most of them are up to date with all the gossip and so understand why, but poor Wonpil has no idea

Despite constantly blushing when you and Sana were around and the following teasing from his friends, he really enjoyed your company

Like, really enjoyed your company

And so when you started avoiding him, started coming to band practice less, started flirting with him less, he was a little heartbroken

He felt like the thing the three of you had going was taken more seriously by him than it was by you and Sana; that he had misinterpreted it all; that you had moved on from him

And so while for two weeks you and Sana were practically sparkling because you were so excited, Wonpil was the complete opposite

He walked around with a pout constantly on his face

The boys didn’t know whether to laugh because they knew he was wrong, tease him for acting like a baby, coo at how adorable he looks or cry along and baby him, because nobody likes a sad Wonpil

Finally the day of the fair came and you and Sana were buzzing, running round to get things and yourselves ready

Wonpil was also buzzing; his sadness had been pushed aside briefly to make way for the hype of getting to perform for a large crowd

The band was performing pretty early into the evening which gave you and Sana time to roam around and get your bearings, brainstorming what you think Wonpil would like to do

Finally the time came for their stage and you and Sana managed to squeeze in right in front of the small stage that had been put together for the evening

“What’s up guys! We’re Day6 and we’re going to perform a few songs for you this fine evening, so feel free to get hyped up and go crazy! First up is ‘What Can I Do’, we hope you enjoy,” Jae introduces, and with that the music starts

It doesn’t take long for your fellow college students to get hyped up

Those that have seen the band or listened to them on soundcloud shout along to the lyrics (mind you, that’s a lot considering how popular Day6 are on campus and around town)

You and Sana are one of many doing just that, your joined hands up in the air as you sing along with the guys

(One of the perks of joining them at practice constantly is that you know their music pretty well)

Day6 end up playing four songs, not including the encore, and sooner than everyone would have liked they are thanking everyone and walking off stage, making way for the techies to set up ready for the next act

As much as you and Sana would have loved to hear them play more, you also are glad that it is finally over as it means the time has come for your plan to be put into action

Sana grabs your hand and pulls you through the crowd to ‘backstage’, quickly catching sight of the guys and heading over

After a quick conversation and “you did amazingly”s, you and your girlfriend turn to face Wonpil

And your breath catches in your throat when you properly look at him

He has sweat rolling down from the hot evening and jamming out so much, his hair is messed up from where he had been running his hands through it, and he was wearing sinfully skinny jeans, a shirt with the top few buttons undone and a choker round his neck

To sum it up; Wonpil looked hot af

You knew Sana thought this too as her hold on your hand suddenly got a lot lighter

After a couple of moments just admiring his beauty, so pull yourself together and clear your throat, pulling Sana close beside you so you are both looking at Wonpil, who looks back at you both with a confused look marring his face

It doesn’t stay that way for long though

“So, as you know, Sana is my girlfriend. And we have an amazing relationship. Mainly because we have amazing communication. And through that communication we discovered something. And that is that we both really like you and so after a lot of talking and researching we decided that it wasn’t merely a crush or anything and so. Well, this is us asking if you would want to go on a date. With both of us. Tonight,” you say as Sana pulls out a bouquet (that Sungjin discreetly handed over) and holds it out to Wonpil

Speaking of the guy, Wonpils face goes through a variety of emotions as you talk, settling on shock as he takes in that you just confessed to him

Needless to say, Wonpil accepts and with that the three of you are off on your first date

Wonpil is very shy at first, not sure on how to act but you and Sana are quick to notice and stand either side of him hand in hand, making sure to make him the centre of attention as you walk through the fair, playing games, winning him things, buying him food and such

And it is same for the dates that follow, which there are plenty of

It isn’t long before you are both officially calling Wonpil your boyfriend, much to the surprise and delight of everyone

Because your poly relationship is accepted by everyone because nobody dislikes any of you alone, let alone together

Your friends are especially accepting of it, glad that now the three of you have each other hopefully you will smother each other in love and affection and not them (ha they thought)

It is kind of true though

Each one of you are quite needy for love and attention and so none of you are ever starved of that, all of you always happy to snuggle or something

Usually you just end up in a puddle, none of you a set big spoon or little spoon

Though in the beginning of the relationship Wonpil ends up the center of it all as you and Sana are well aware that sometimes he feels a little like an outsider intruding

He quickly forgets those thoughts when one of you pull him in for a long kiss though

Speaking of kisses, both Sana and you were delighted to find that you were both right in your speculations, as it turns out that Wonpil is very diverse when it comes to kissing

He will give you and Sana little pecks on the forehead as a hello, soft open mouthed butterfly kisses on your stomachs when you’re cuddling, sweet, long kisses when he is feeling romantic and simple hot and heavy make out sessions when one of you is feeling stressed, or he is high of adrenaline from performing

This is something Sana loves as she is a big fan of kisses no matter the type (and she is very good at it herself as well)

It’s very rare to see the three of you apart, and you can often be found at each others places

Usually Wonpil drags you into a cuddle/nap session, though sometimes you can be found studying, other times you will be doing, well, exercising as Sana puts it

You really love making Wonpil and Sana sing for you, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down 

And you’re always sleeping round each others, usually Sana’s as she has the biggest bed considering she lives in an apartement

You love waking up to see your boyfriend and girlfriend cuddled up with adorably messy hair

Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t stop you and Sana from flirting with Wonpil

You just love his flustered face too much to not do so

Though he slowly starts learning your ways and every now and then will say or do something that will get you blushing ever so cutely

None of you ever really cook, usually buying takeaway or sweet talking your friends into buying food for you, but sometimes you and Wonpil will attempt to cook some Japanese dishes for Sana because she might not admit it but you both know she gets homesick sometimes

(Momo and Mina are on speed dial when you do this just in case)

Usually you end up doing the cooking while Wonpil backhugs you, causing the two of you to waddle around the kitchen

When Sana comes home to find her favourite dishes from back in Osaka on the table she almost sheds a few tears, bringing you and Wonpil into a hug that lasts forever

Sana often starts speaking in Japanese whenever she is really happy or excited, leaving you and Wonpil standing there in confusion

She also calls you petnames in Japanese that Momo and Mina refuse to translate for you, claiming they are too cheesy or too naughty for them to repeat

You and Sana are Day6′s biggest fans, and you can always be found screaming in the crowds of any shows they do

Well, even in the practice room you will be hyping them up

And neither of you can get enough of your boyfriends voice, often getting him to sing for you

Sometimes the two of them join up to do a duet and serenade you which gets you soft every time

Which is the perfect way to describe your relationship; soft

Everybody is jealous of it, and sometimes you join people in their questioning of it

Because how did you end up with two of the kindest, nicest, most talented (and prettiest) people on Earth?

spoiler: it’s because you are also one of those people

yo what are endings and how do I do them

[zillyblog]

I have a few thoughts in regards to the complaints some of the fandom has about the end of Trollhunters season 3 (there aren’t many, it’s by and large been very well received).

In short, the ending was masterfully done, the narrative stayed true despite what some people are saying, and it’s a lot more nuanced than some people are giving it credit for.

Spoilers below the cut!

---

Please allow me to preface this with something very important: There are always going to be many ways to write a great story. There are several routes you can take that are considered objectively good storytelling practices, and subjective personal taste will always wind up ensuring you never please everyone.

So the only beef I have is people saying “this is just bad writing!”. You can dislike it, you can point out the flaws (nothing is perfect!), but boy does it grind my gears when someone tries to pass off an opinion like the writers really messed up. As someone who works in the animation industry, I can assure you that the finale of Trollhunters took one of the many possible routes for a good, solid story. Whether or not it’s your taste is up to you though, and that’s a valid enough reason to be unhappy with it!

So this brings me to the biggest complaint I’ve been seeing: Turning Jim into a half-troll destroys the message of the first two seasons, and takes away what made Jim special.

This was my knee-jerk reaction too, until the final episode fully came to a close. I was driven emotionally to have distaste for it since it was a bittersweet ending, so I understand the sentiment.

But the overarching theme of Trollhunters (and the message behind the first two seasons) is NOT that Jim is special because he is human. He’s special because he’s Jim.

We had more antagonizing characters push him towards being more Trollish, and supporting characters pushing him to rely on his humanity. So it was a rather clever choice to make the true message of the series not fall in line with what those supporting characters believed in--it showed that even the “good guys” can be misguided for all their good intentions.

It’s easy to fall on Jim’s humanity being his defining characteristic. There’s never been a human Trollhunter before. But the amulet didn’t choose Jim because he was human--otherwise it would have chosen just any ol’ human! It called to Jim because of what was in his heart, beneath his skin.

Jim didn’t toss away his humanity when he became half-Troll, despite what he, and the audience, is meant to think at first. Being told he’s “neither” Troll or human, being told he’s not human by the river rock Trolls in the forest. This was meant to happen. We’re supposed to feel like he lost something far more important than initially thought. We’re supposed to be with him in spirit when he runs away, when he hates himself, when he’s torn and upset and confused. We were right there with him.

The whole point of the scene where he accepts himself, is for both him and us is to realize he still retained what made him him. Human or Troll, or goblin or alien or whatever, the amulet still would have chosen him.

Being half-Troll didn’t allow him to be what he was meant to be, but it sure made it easier. I personally would have liked that bit to be emphasised more, but the narrative was still pretty clear with saying that there was no other way to defeat all three Big Bads in the finale. Jim was thrust into a situation he wasn’t fully prepared for, but they still needed him, regardless. Jim has been in countless situations that he was ill-equipped for, and ended up taking metaphorical bullets for the greater good. It wasn’t so much his tendency for self-sacrifice that made him a hero, but that he was willing to do anything to help those in need.

He did the same at the very end. He made a very heavy decision, one that fell in line with his character on a scale not seen before, one that really showed us why the amulet chose him. He’s kind, selfless, and courageous.

So as much as all the downfalls hurt, they needed to be there to drive that message home. Jim lost one of his greatest passions, the ability to taste human food (though he can arguably still cook at least from memory). He can’t graduate high school. He can’t be out in the sun anymore with his mom and his human friends. He can’t return to the life he once knew.

It’s sad, but it’s supposed to be. Without that sacrifice, Jim’s decision wouldn’t have struck us in such an emotional way. It’s not a hopeless ending, it’s not full of despair or grief. It’s just heavy enough to support the most important messages, without leaving the audience feeling unfulfilled.

Jim can adapt. Not to say it will be easy, but Jim will survive and find new passions. I’m actually a huge fan of this particular message, as it’s one we don’t see very often, but everyone feels at multiple times through their life. It could be losing a loved one, moving homes, developing an illness or disability, moving away for college and losing touch with old friends, getting older and confronting new drastic changes and challenges. They’re all hard and upsetting and can be absolutely devastating, but they’re never without hope.

A bit of a tangent, but as someone who sustained a major life-changing injury that directly interfered with my greatest joys in life, seeing Jim lose his ability to taste human food… I liked it. It gave me some hope. Jim can find other things in life to be passionate about--heck, he could learn to cook Troll food now! He can find new ways to enjoy life. It made me feel a little more optimistic about my own predicament.

Anyway, thanks for reading! If you’re not a fan of the ending, that’s fine. You can even say you outright hate it. Just please don’t try and say it was bad or lazy writing, because this show really has followed a lot of conventionally strong narrative styles, and the writers very clearly had a great deal of heart in this work.