#the big golden turd-

[rogers-attic]

American Dad! section at Hulu’s SDCC 2024 exhibit, “Hulu Animayhem”

[rueclfer]

shoujo touya save meeee pleaseee shoujo touya save me from the trenchessss

pull me through // touya todoroki

You awkwardly stood a few steps behind Touya as he felt around under the doormat for the spare key to his home. You two got along quite well for a couple of students who were on the opposite sides of the rankings, but never close enough to visit each other's home like this.

You were student council president, and Touya got suspended for setting the toilet on fire last year. That is how far you two were.

"Alright, come on in." He holds the door open for you to walk in before him.

At first glance, it seemed close to extravagant, but the closer you looked, it felt cozier by the second from the amount of framed photos, artwork, and trinkets displayed on every wall and counter.

In the living room, his younger siblings were all lined up like ducks as if they were awaiting for your arrival.

"Hi Fuyumi." You threw a wave at her.

"Hi Y/N!" She beams back.

You two worked on the student council together, so you were already close with her despite being a year older.

"Wait, this is Y/N?" The middle child with all white hair exclaims.

Fuyumi quickly swats her brother's arm, shushing him.

"Oooohh. Y/N, I know you!" The littlest one states, stepping up to you with an All Might figurine in hand.

"Oh do you?" You cock an eyebrow at Touya as he takes your jacket to put up by the door and your school bag off of your shoulder. You bent down to his level. "Your brother talks about me often?"

"No I don't." He quips before he could answer for himself, shooting a glare in their direction. "I don't know what either of them are talking about."

"Meet my ball and chains." He huffs with a hint of a smile in his voice. "Shouto, Natsuo, and you already know Fuyumi from your nerd thing."

"Can I play with them?" Shouto asks, moving over to Touya to tug on his pant leg.

"No you can't, turd. We have to work on a project so none of you bother us. Kay?" He motions you to follow him upstairs, slinging both of your bags over his shoulder.

You quickly follow behind him. "But maybe after!" You call out from midway up the stairs, giving them a final wave.

Upon entering his room, he sets your bag on his desk, letting you take the seat while he settles on his bed right next to you, whipping his laptop open.

Despite being somewhat of a delinquent, you knew that Touya was smart and had capabilities to be top of the class if he really cared to. You had no worries about this project, but the circumstance of being alone in his bedroom on the other hand, almost made you nervous,

"Your siblings seem to like me." You broke the tense silence as you two logged onto your presentation. "You definitely talk about me, huh?"

"It's probably Fuy. She's a big fan of yours." He glances over at you. "She talks about you way too much around here."

"You got a problem with that?"

"What, like I don't get enough of you at school?" He chuckles, biting on the end of his pen. "Don't I, Prez?"

"Lucky you, then. Not many people have that kind of access to me. I'm pretty high in demand, if you ask me." You tease back, meeting his eye for a moment before returning your attention back on your screen.

He pushes his laptop out and leans back in his bed, propping his upper half up on his elbow to face you with his pen still hanging out of his mouth.

"I wonder how those people feel about you spending all that time with such a loser like me? Not scared to tarnish that golden reputation of yours?"

"You give yourself too much credit." You laugh. "You've been such a good boy lately, I don't think anyone really bats an eye." You say sweetly, swiveling your chair to fully face him.

He chuckles to himself and diverts his eyes away from yours as a rush of blood floods to his cheek.

"Anyways..." He clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck as his ears slightly flush into red. "Back to this bullshit."

You two talk back and forth about the project for a while, slipping into silence every now and then as you work on your respective slides.

In your peripheral, you noticed that every so often, he would glance up at you from his screen like clockwork. It makes you a bit too self aware of yourself, forcing you to keep your posture straight, not to bounce your leg too much, and to keep your fidgeting at bay.

"You're grinding your teeth." He mutters, breaking the silence. "I can hear it, like sandpaper."

"It's just a focus thing." You reply, biting the inside of your cheeks to combat the habit.

"I can't stop looking at them in class.." You hear from outside of the door, paired with the boys' giggling. "...They're all I can think about, I feel so stupid."

You and Touya both stop shoot each other a confused glance, not quite sure what Natsuo and Shouto were going on about in the hallway.

"What are they doing?" You lean in and whisper.

"I don't fucking know?" He shrugs. "Maybe reading one of Fuy's books?"

"How cute." You chuckle, returning your attention to the project.

"Prez would never want a guy like me. I want to do better, but I'm fucking hopeless." The boys start, their footsteps running up and down the hallway this time.

"Natsuo! That's a bad word, you can't say that!" Shouto cries.

Your eyes widened and glanced over at Touya, whose face had now drained of color, jaw slightly gaped open.

He slams his laptop shut and frantically feels around under his pillow and covers, as if he had misplaced something.

"What're you looking for?" You asked, watching him rummage through his school bag after going through his bed.

"I'm going to fucking kill them." He mutters, throwing his bag on the floor. "I'm actually going to kill them."

He walks over to swing his bedroom door open, revealing the two boys leaning against the wall with a book in hand, flipping through the pages.

"Where the fuck did you two get that!?"

The two younger boys scream and scurry down the hall with Touya right on their tail. You follow them out into the hallway, watching them run a muck around the house.

Natsuo and Shouto eventually circle their way back to Touya's room, shoving themselves right behind you a second before Touya is able to get to them.

"Guys?" You look down at Shouto clutching your leg and Natsuo breathing hard, peering over your shoulder. "What did you two do?" You put a hand down on the top of Shouto's head, tapping it to get his attention up at you.

"Natsuo did it!" He cries, burying his face into your side. "I didn't do anything." He muffled into your shirt.

"You're the one who gave me his diary, you liar!" Natsuo reaches over and flicks Shouto's head. "Shouto did it!"

"What the hell is going on?" Fuyumi comes out of her room.

"These fuckers went through my things." Touya huffs, face now red. "Y/N. Move over please." He inches closer.

"No! Y/N please!" Natsuo cries behind you, clutching on you tighter.

"Whoooaa. Okay, okay let's relax everyone." You nervously chuckle.

"You, take a step back." You put a finger on Touya's chest, lightly pressing him to take a couple steps back into the hallways.

You noticed Touya clenching onto a journal so tight that his knuckles were white, jaw tense seething with anger.

"You two, go with your sister." You pried the two kids from your side, ushering them towards Fuyumi, in which she properly slapped the back of their heads the moment they got to her.

"Idiots. What did I tell you guys? Get in." She huffs before closing the door behind them.

"Don't think you're safe! Your ass is grass once Y/N leaves." He calls out before the door clicks shut.

"You, stop it. Come inside." You pull him in by the elbow.

"Jesus fucking christ." He groans into his hands, throwing the journal on his bed. "You didn't hear any of that, alright? None of that happened."

"Yup. You got it." You silently chuckle to yourself. "Absolutely nothing."

You watch him shove the journal deep into his school bag before throwing it back on the ground and flopping down in his bed, face buried in his pillow.

"FUCK!" He screams into his pillow, tightly gripping the sides of it.

"Okay let's just finish this shit and get it over with." He huffs, turning on his back and leaning up against the headboard, dragging his laptop back up to his lap.

"Oh so you really didn't wanna talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" He shoots you a threatening glance.

You ignored the hostile look, anyways. "You have a crush on me." You bite your bottom lip to hide a side. "That's what that was, right?"

"Who said all that shit was about you, huh?"

"You got another 'Prez' in your life?" You cock an eyebrow.

He went silent for a moment, running a hand through his hair and blowing out a breath of air.

"Let's not do this right now."

"That's fine." You turn your attention back to your laptop. "I'm just saying, though, you don't have to do 'better' for me to like you. I already do."

Another beat of silence passes.

"Cool. Cool." He squeaks out. "Um. Can you double check my slides for me?" He coughs.

You looked at him in your peripheral to see him covering the bottom half of his face with his hand, hiding the impending blush creeping up his face as he kept his eyes glued to his screen.

"Sure." You smiled. "Only if you double check mine."

-

bonus scene hehe:

over the next week of school, touya had been actively avoiding you- which you expected. it wasn't until one late school day where you had to stay behind for your council meeting when you caught him waiting by your cubby.

"touya." you greeted, holding out your bag for him to take while you started switching your shoes out. "what are you still doing here?"

"got a request to deliver to you, prez." he responds with a smirk, leaning up against the cubbies with your bag under his arm.

"oh yeah? well unfortunate for you, but i'm off the clock. you should file it in the student council box."

"it's a special request that can only be delivered in person." he rolls his eyes. "also i'm walking you home, so you don't really have a choice."

you laugh, starting your way out of school. "okay, then. go for it."

"go out with me this weekend."

your breath hitches from surprise. you had to admit to yourself that you had been waiting for some sort of confession or at the very least a chat about the last time you had seen him, but for him to almost demand a date with you caught you off guard.

"really?" you snap your attention to him, face heating up.

"really."

"i'd love to." you smile. "you feel like talking about it now? or do i gotta go through your diary for that?"

"shut up. it's a journal- two very different things." he nudges you with his elbow. "fuyumi yelled at me after you left and told me that i was an emotionally constipated prick, so i guess that inspired me to get my shit together."

"sooo.." you motion for him to continue.

"sooo...i like you. i have for a while." he starts "and i got my marks up for this quarter. for you. well, technically for me, but i wanted you to see that i was trying."

your heart swelled at this simple act. "you didn't have to do that. i told you i like you regardless- even after you set the toilet on fire."

"we don't talk about that version of me last year." he laughs "and i wanted to. you made me want to do it for me."

you two continue to walk home chirping in conversation and light teases. you had always been drawn to him despite his bad habits and annoying mannerisms, but you knew he always had it in him to do good things and make better choices for himself. knowing that he did it because of his inspiration to be a good person for you only made you like him more.

[jonnywaistcoat]

Hey, Horrormaster Sims. I have a wildly different question that barely relates to TMA (Sorry about that) but its about your own process. Please, if you could, can you tell me how your first drafts made you feel? I'm on the fence about writing my own thing (not a podcast, and again, not Magnus related, though I have a million little aus for that delightful tragedy you wrote, thank you for that!) But I'm discouraged by the collective notion that first drafts are always terrible, because there's no ... examples I can solidly use to help the dumb anxiety beast in my brain that tells me everyone who is in any way popular popped out a golden turd and not, well, you know. One of my friends said 'Oh I bet Jonathan Sims's first draft was nothing like what he wanted' and I got the bright idea to just. Send you an ask, since you're trapped on this hellsite like I am. Anyway, thanks for reading this (if you do) and if you'd rather ask it privately, I am cool with that. Alternatively, you're a hella busy man with Protocol (you and Alex are making me rabid, i hope you know) and you can just ignore this! Cheers, man, and good words.

To my mind all writing advice, especially stuff that's dispensed as truisms (like "first drafts are always garbage") are only useful inasmuch as such advice prompts you to pay attention to how you write best: what helps your workflow, what inspires you, what keeps you going through the rough bits. There are as many different ways to write (and write well) as there are people who write and so always consider this sort of thing a jumping off point to try out or keep in mind as you gradually figure out your own ways of writing.

On first drafts specifically, I think the wisdom "all first drafts are bad" is a bit of unhelpful oversimplification of the fact that, deadlines notwithstanding, no piece of writing goes out until you decide its ready, so don't get too hung up on your first draft of a thing, because a lot of writers find it much easier to edit a complete work than to try and redraft as they go. It's also important to not let perfectionism or the fact your initial draft isn't coming out exactly how you want stop you from actually finishing the thing, as it's always better to have something decent and done than to have something perfect and abandoned.

But the idea of a "first draft" is also kind of a fluid one. The "first draft" you submit to someone who's commissioned you will probably be one you've already done a bunch of tweaks and edits to, as opposed to the "first draft" you pump out in a frenzy in an over-caffeinated weekend. For my part, my first drafts tend to end up a bit more polished than most, because I'm in the habit of reading my sentences out loud as I write them (a habit picked up from years of audio writing) so I'll often write and re-write a particular sentence or paragraph a few times to get the rhythm right before moving to the next one. This means my first drafts tend to take longer, but are a bit less messy. I'm also a big-time planner and pretty good at sticking to the structures I lay out so, again, tend to front load a lot of stuff so I get a better but slower first draft.

At the end of the day, though, the important thing is to get in your head about it in a good way (How do I write best? what helps me make writing I enjoy and value? What keeps me motivated?) and not in a bad way (What if it's not good enough? What if everyone hates it? What if it doesn't make sense?) so that you actually get it done.

As for how my first drafts made me feel? Terrible, every one of 'em No idea if that's reflective of their quality, though, tbh - I hate reading my own writing until I've had a chance to forget it's mine (I can only ever see the flaws). I suppose there's theoretically a none-zero chance they were pure fragments of True Art and creative perfection, but Alex's editing notes make that seem unlikely.

[phoenixwatchesmovies]

Dracula Season Watch Party: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

The centuries old vampire Count Dracula comes to England to seduce his barrister Jonathan Harker's fiancée Mina Murray and inflict havoc in the foreign land. - Dir. Francis Ford Coppola

I haaaaaaaaaaaaated this the one and only other time I watched it because, for a movie calling itself Bram Stoker's Dracula, it sucks ass at adapting the novel. It hits all the beats but misses the themes and adds extra stuff, and Jonathan doesn't even go after the Count with a shovel, ffs. However, it is technically one of The Most Faithful adaptations we have to date, which is impressive considering how much story there is to adapt. And if I stop being such a purist turd.... *sigh* it's a good movie.

Like..... REALLY good. The costumes, the colors, the music, the camera work, everything has such a surreal vibe, and the scene transitions move with something like dream logic. Actually, I think "movement" sums up everything I loved. Shots moving around a scene, SO MUCH gauzy fabric moving in a breeze, Dracula and Mina moving through a crowd. It's ✨pretty✨

It's also horny AF. Jesus Christ.

That being said, I think the criticism I've seen saying this version turns Lucy into a slut is pretty unfair. She and Mina gossip about their relationships (and kiss in the rain, by god I ship it), and she's flirtatious with the suitor squad, big deal. She's never overtly sexual until she starts becoming a vampire, and that's nothing that doesn't already happen in the book. The two scenarios don't compare. One is established friendships that come equipped with camaraderie and intimacy, the other is a corruption. Like, that's literally what's happening, and that's where the horror comes from. As for this version's take on her sleepwalking, we are NOT calling that slut behavior. That's all I'm saying.

Speaking of the suitor squad (Lucy's potential fiances, for the uninitiated), I understand there is only so much you can squeeze into a two hour run time, but I wish they had more time to shine. I need more of Quincey being a manly man with the most golden heart of gold ever. I need more of Jack being the most lovesick and emo wreck of a human with a side of medical malpractice. Most importantly, I need Cary effing Elwes to have more to do as Art. Not that any one of Lucy's boyfriends loves her more than the others, but I feel like Art's devotion to her is given more weight because he was the one Lucy chose to marry, and ASDFGHJKL. You can't cast CARY ELWES, aka WESTLEY THE FARM BOY, of Thee Greatest Movie Ever Made The Princess Bride, and then NOT give him any room to work in that space. He could have eaten that shit up! You know it! I know it! The only people who apparently don't know it are the people who called the shots on everything from the script to the casting, because if we had spent more time with canon couple Art and Lucy and less with fanon couple Drac and Mina, WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL. *insert Adele gif because I couldn't actually find one*

While we're on the subject of Dracula and Mina as lovers doomed across centuries, YES, it's fucking romantic as shit and I've come across the concept in other stories and would have snorted that shit if possible, BUT. The addition here detracted from time we could have spent on Lucy, as mentioned above, and despite what I've said about that so far, I understand why you'd make that call. If there's going to be an epic Gothic romance, it might as well be the focal point of the story and therefore needs to happen between the leads. But.

BUT.

THAT'S ALREADY IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL. IT'S MINA AND JONATHAN!!!!! Jonathan Harker is peak Gothic wifeguy. Dude never stops thinking about how awesome his wife is and how much he loves her, and I can't even think about his refusal to let her be condemned to hell alone and his determination to damn himself with her if she became a vampire without getting in fits about it. He said "fuck God if he doesn't love Mina, he's not good enough for her and I love her enough for both of us," and you think ANY other love story can beat THAT??? They did my good friend Jonathan so so dirty.

On the subject of my good friend Jonathan, I know I'm not the only one who thinks Keanu Reeves would look so. Fucking. HOT. With gray hair. I don't know what they did to him in the back half of this movie, but rather than be disappointed in how fake it looks, I'm choosing to look forward to the day we finally get Silver Fox Keanu.

Other details I loved now that I'm done complaining include Mina's wardrobe echoing Elizabeta's gown in the prologue, red light reflecting off Renfield's glasses when he's talking about his master, red appearing more prominently in Mina's and Lucy's wardrobe as they fall under Dracula's influence, the zoom-in on the bite marks on Lucy's neck transitioning into the wolf's glowing eyes in the next scene, Dracula's shadow moving independently of his body, everything Anthony Hopkins is doing as Van Helsing, and the entire standoff between him and Mina and the brides.

I think I've said all I feel like saying, and it took a full 24 hours to stop talking, so in summary: I DO like this more than I used to, but I like it more when looking at it on its own merit and not as an adaptation. What I like, I really like. What I don't like, pretty much has to do with how it differs from the book. The most important part is that I had fun watching. Even if there aren't any flappy bats on a string.🥂

[the-log-ffl]

S10:W10

From the front office of the Sarnia Slut Slayers

I just lost $10 Canadian on the Golden Bachelorette with my Canadian Mother in law. I'm sure Raj topped that gambling degeneracy but I tried. I also lost $50 to Dusty betting on Kamala, lost $50 to Ricardo betting the Dodgers wouldn't win the World Series. I need a Jake Paul victory over Mike Tyson to win $50 from Max and break this losing streak. 

But, there is no losing streak in LOG for The Slayers(our pronouns are Slayer/Slayers, and not Slut/Sluts) They are off to a fantastic start.  Not only are they 9-1, have almost double the FAAB than the rest of the league, but have also won a nice bottle of tequila from Ethan, $50 booze to drink with Brad on Christmas, Lunch with House at High Street, getting to piss in Raj's face, and a guaranteed job with Petey at his restaurant.  And he will only sexually and verbally harass me a little bit.

I would have never believed that at the beginning of the year that I would make two singing bets with Hames, but I guess that's why they play the games.  Hames has to sing the iconic "Touchdown" at a seedy place next year pre draft, and this week the loser of our Matchup has to sing the national anthem to kick off next year's draft. I recommend you all make at least one matchup bet this year. Do a double stack and get weird with it. 

I did lose one bet this year and owe the Mish a fancy as fuck lunch at Stickaman's The Galley.  Mish recently paid his bet from last year of being a Spectrum Classic ball/water boy.  He earned all of the volleyball players respect and we called him "Ball Man" by the end.  He brought the highest quality H20 and rose the Spectrum Classic to a new level.  I have no doubt that good karma and cold plunges have led the Commish(long may he reign) to his best start of his life. He has applied his new mindset to fantasy football. "Make a trade, you pussy." "I don't watch football, kids first" It's really paying off.

The cream has risen to the top, but that cream has left everyone still alive for a playoff berth. Everyone is within three games of the playoffs with 5 to go. 

Even the Halloween Store has a chance in November to pivot to selling Pilgrim and Indian costumes?

Raj could get pissed on again and turn his life around and stop being a piece of shit?

Dusty could return from the honeymoon and hit the waivers?

Brad and Ethan can show why they are former champions and sneak into the playoffs?

Hames could keep winning and turn around that tough start?

House could overpay to trade for McCaffrey and have his lucky charm back?

Petey could not start Tee Higgins when he is out for a third straight week?

Anything could happen!  I'll be home Thanksgiving to Christmas. Let's get as many as possible together for a Sunday at Raj's or somewhere to watch it unfold.

Also the 111th Grey Cup is this Sunday, November 17th.  Get together and eat poutine and ketchup chips. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers will attempt to win their 13th championship, while the Toronto Argonauts will attempt to win their league-leading 19th championship.

Playoff Picture as of today

1. SlutSlayers

4. Discipline=Freedom

2. Burd Turds

3. Sordidus

Weekly Dick Recap : Sorry I have been hogging all the big dicks lately. I am working on a calendar and need to fill it out by next winter.

BIG DICK OF THE WEEK

Sarnia SlutSlayers : 173 points 

small dick of the week

house the small cock : 81 points

2024 Big Dick of the Weeks...so far - $100

Slayers              4

Odusty               2

Fish Fucker       1

HouseCock       1

Romancer         1

Hames              1

Biggest Dick of the Year: $100

ODusty 177 : Week 2

Shawn the Big Dick House has the Throbber - 190.64 Points

(S9:W3)

Ethan has the fresh stanky double dick - 48.14 Points 

(S10:W3)

Good luck and keep putting gravy on everything.

Maier

(slayer/slayers)

[lewisibarra1512]

Since this is the first time I'm making a post about the latest report on today's press conference, I'll go ahead and share details of what guests can expect at Nintendo World's Donkey Kong expansion. Ready? Let's hit the jump and see the results...

Conga Activity - Upon entering the themed expansion within Nintendo World at Universal Epic Universe, you'll be greeted with a Conga Activity. Up to three guests can interact with this activity by scanning their watch and begin tapping to the rhythm of the congos. These congos flash yellow and green color lights for each tap. Once successful, Rambi appears as the grand prize. After all, everyone's a winner.

New DK and Diddy themed watches - Using the newly unveiled watches themed after Donkey Kong and an overweight whale Diddy Kong, guests can scan DK themed spots while on a mission to find four letters that spell K O N G, which is both inspired by and a real reference to the original DKC games that originated in a system I would say to the public but not here. For each letter found, it is stored inside the Universal Orlando app for iOS and Android. Once saved, it can be used for rewards later on.

Jungle Beat Shakes - A quick service restaurant serving DK Crush Shake, a red and yellow ice cream like substance with sprinkles and an edible picture of Donkey Kong throwing a barrel in a waffle bowl protected by an oversized mug. If desserts aren't your thing, a Wild Hot Dog is presented with an avocado motif.

Donkey Kong's treehouse - A meet and greet section where guests can take photos with Donkey Kong. In the future, Diddy will be presented upon opening at Universal Epic Universe.

Funky's Fly 'n Buy - Inspired by the in-game shoppe, Funky's Fly 'n Buy offers Donkey Kong themed merchandise, from plushies to tees and others.

Mine Cart Madness - The sole main attraction found within Donkey Kong Country. Inspired by Donkey Kong Country Returns, a Nintendo 3DS game despite the unacceptable absence of King K. Rool and the Kremlings, Tiki Tong and his tribe return once again as they have invaded DK's home island to steal the bananas. It's up to him and his team to stop them before it's too late. However, they're not alone, as the guests are involved on a mission of their own to snag the Golden Banana as sworn protectors. The new concept to Universal parks is a Boom coaster, where guests board the mine cart and experience the thrill of reliving the classic 2D platformer while presented on a fake track. The good news about the attraction is according to creative director Andrew Padua from Universal Creative, "There are zero screens. It is all real show, it is all real thrill." Just for context: Unlike a boring kart racing game where you beat turds or a big nose's island adventure where you take a snorefest, no forced screens will be present at Mine Cart Madness. This means you get to experience real props, both in queue and the main ride and is in no actual way a motion simulator!

Now, as usual, Donkey Kong Country at Nintendo World will be launched simultaneously at Universal Epic Universe, which also sees the 35th anniversary of Universal Studios Florida in time. The date? 22 May 2025. That's everything included. :)

[rei-ismyname]

HEIR OF APOCALYPSE #4 - A WET FART TO END A TURD OF A MINI

So... This was a waste of time at best. I'm not going to bother with any literary analysis because I don't feel like putting more thought into it than the author, so I'm just going to dunk on it. Spoilers below the cut.

If you read my previous entries, you'll recall I reasoned that Mr Sinister would be part of the climax. He was in opposition to everyone else in the mini and had more page space than any two other characters put together. A Chekhov's Gunman, if you will. NOPE. Doesn't even appear. Emma asks where he is and Warren says he fucked off. WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT THEN? I didn't want any more of him, but I wanted a story that's internally coherent. He was already a nonsense addition to the cast, and his presence just makes it a mini full of shit jokes and OOC responses to him murdering everyone's friends. He choked everything else out. Readers already have Sinister fatigue from Krakoa, where he was a crucial character - here he's just infuriatingly needless like a child licking all the cupcakes. The child is Steve Foxe, the saliva is Sinister, and the cupcakes are character work and a plot. Would've been nice, but get fucked I guess. Let's check in with the rest of the contestants.

I've read this sequence four times and I still don't know what is happening here. Meant to what, Doug? You can communicate with a fucking rock but can't tell us what's going on? You deserve to get turned into a golden idiot. I take it back, nobody deserves that.

O.....okayyyy. He doesn't pick Cable. This is gibberish. This is the end of Cable's time in the book. Lucky him. I said I wouldn't do any literary analysis but ARGGGHH. This is all information both parties, AND the reader, know. No new context, just taking up page space.

Sup, Forge? You remember how you were going to solve global homelessness and starvation? You'd built this whole system and were excited. You already knew it would work but I'm going to tell you anyway. (Can Apocalypse see the future? Wtf?) Shame it needs Krakoan biotech.

You're just the best. What this world truly needs. Except... You made a bad thing once so you can fuck yourself buddy. Bit rich coming from Apocalypse, no? 'Deserve' is moronic coming from a social Darwinist. He doesn't get picked either. *Pushes glasses up* ACKSHUALLY, he made it to combat Dire Wraiths - it just happened to work on mutants too. Mega dickhead Gyrich couldn't wait to use it and he did. I'd say Forge's sin is actually working for the US military industrial complex where Gyriches can access your shit. Buuuut, that's NOT something Apocalypse can hang on someone else. He's been fomenting war for millennia. Storm is stronger for having lost her powers, so by Apocalypse logic he should be G. God this mini suuuucks.

Alas, Tumblr only allows 10 images per post. Danielle Moonstar will not be featured bc I don't want to explain it then dunk on it. Just trust me when I say it sucks. She doesn't get picked and she's quite fine with that. Maybe Big Blue learnt nothing from his ridiculous Egyptian traps and decided to make one of his four living children heir? Five if you count his clone, Evan, who is just the sweetest kid ever.

I wonder if he's still calling himself Genesis. That'd be funny cos that's Apocalypse's wife's name. We never did see Evan on Krakoa, what's up with that? It would have been the perfect opportunity for what Age of X-Man bungled - interrogating the reason for his existence, destiny, fate, etc. Would he rethink his position on Nature/Nurture upon seeing Apocalypse behave responsibly and selflessly? Many of the other clones had their personhood affirmed - why not he? These are all very good questions that I'll come back to one day, but I'm honestly just trying to build some tension where STEVE didn't. It should be obvious who 'won' using the process of elimination.

Dougie! You're a good kid. Maybe even the best. We know this already. He picks him btw. He picks Douglas Ramsay. Cypher is the Heir of Apocalypse. Does it matter that he survived the Pyramid obstacle course through luck? Or are we meant to assume he 'solved' whatever dumbshit puzzle it was? It's quite clear Big Blue chose who he wanted to and the Tournament somehow helped that process. Doug ends up in Egypt whereas everyone else is on Arakko. Seems like it should be the other way round but whatever. How did Apocalypse get there? The transporter I guess. This really could have been a one shot.

Were you here for more than a panel of Emma Frost, Laura, Rictor (who actually wants to be here and has a relationship with Apocalypse) or Warren? Too bad, fuck you. Were you here for ANY Exodus, Armageddon Girl, Monet, Gorgon, or even Sunfire who teased a way more interesting story in issue 1? Double fuck you. You get nothing. All people I care about more than Sinister and his dumb jokes. May as well have done a Deadpool movie tie in LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING COMIC THIS WEEK. Okay I'm getting distracted - Doug wins the nebulous position of Heir and a ... Transformation. Drumroll please.

Woo! Bei and Warlock sightings! It's nice that they're supportive and they're the first good thing in this book. The second is that Arakko isn't blown up or moved to another dimension or whatever. We might see it again, hopefully in better hands than this kick in the balls. Anyway, let's see what Doug looks like post-transformation and wrap this shit up. Hopefully he doesn't look like an idiot.

HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA. Oh my god he looks ridiculous. His face and body language look like mine the first time I saw him. 'Fucking really, dude? This doesn't feel like a reward.' Gold, short, Apocalypse - That's what Doug looks like now. Big Blue can alter his own body at the molecular level and he chose Mini Me from Austin Powers 2. Ororo grew up in Cairo, maybe she can call his dumb ass out for cultural appropriation? He looks like a Halloween outfit or a bad cosplayer that doesn't know he's white. White boy dreadlocks given human form.

Is he fine with being renamed as well? Revelation is another word for Apocalypse, the greek translation AFAIK. It was mentioned a lot in Immortal X-Men and Excalibur. C-3PO here could tell him that too. It makes zero sense.

I can't see how this is close to a good thing for Doug, sorry, REVELATION. Apocalypse is kinda world famous as a genocidal lunatic. He may have worn a suit to the Davos economic forum and dropped awesome one liners but it's easy to forget that was a setup. They had 20~ dudes with psi-blockers, body armour and assault rifles to kill them. Unless he included some massive physical upgrades and defenses Doug is in great danger. I hope he got to Egypt by other means bc his days of commercial flight are over. Forget flight, going to the shops to buy food will terrify everyone he sees and he'll probably get murked by a SWAT team. Fuck this is dumb.

OUTRO/SLIGHTLY MORE SERIOUSLY

Okay, it's happened, I've accepted it. Heir of Apocalypse was hot garbage and Doug looks like a fool. What now? Doug has inherited the job of 'shepherding mutantkind' with his words. I know Warren is not listening to him lol. Why would anyone else? Big Blue built up *some* goodwill during Krakoa but blew it at the end. Look how many of the contestants showed up to keep an eye on him. Most of them. Nobody trusts this MF and looking like a gold version of him can only hurt his efforts. A good writer can make anything work, but those kind of pitches getting accepted are rare.

Sigh. What seems more likely to me is some dipshit making Doug a villain. I really hope not, because let's face it, Apocalypse's motivations were always nonsensical. He's like the Phoenix - totally iconic but becomes harder to take seriously each time it's used. Hickman and Gillen, respectively, are exceptions to that and part of their success was retconning the idiotic shit that had been overused and then recontextualising the concept from the ground up. One could argue that Doug as Heir of Apocalypse is doing just that, but if that happens that writer has a lot of work to do.

I'd LOVE for him to get his own book examining exactly how one fills that role with Doug's skills, powers, experience, and worldview. Truly, I would, but the Marvel formula is built on punching and Doug doesn't do that. He's just said he's not going to do that. The easy/obvious path to take is to have Doug go craaaazy (ugh) or be changed into Violence Man from whatever Apocalypse did to him, which would be a waste of time. It'd just be Apocalypse 2: The Goldening. Sadly it's probably most likely.

Until then, I guess Revelation is a gold idiot that's probably not appearing in any books. I'd love for him to show up to the bar Anole works at in NYX or something but let's be serious here. This wasn't even good bad, 'twas just an incoherent disappointment.

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

October 29, 2024

BRONZE TURD MONUMENT NEW LIBERTY BELL — NOT EXACTLY

We'd say you wouldn't believe this Wilson, but these days almost anything goes. A giant pile of bronze poop graced the nation's capital this past week, an ode to the Jan. 6 rioters, er uh, patriots. The mysterious monument parked Oct. 24 between the Capitol Building and the National Mall recognizes the day that will live in infamy. The inscription upon its base reads: “This memorial honors the brave men and women who broke into the United States Capitol on January 6, 2021, to loot, urinate and defecate throughout those hallowed halls in order to overturn an election.” The big bronze monument exists in our two worlds: the one where Jan. 6 was an insurrection aimed at nullifying the election of Joe Biden; and the one where thousands of patriots gathered for a day of fun and love and patriotism. More than 1,200 of them have been charged with felonies in connection with the events of that day — 460 are serving prison sentences. It's as though we've collided with a parallel universe or maybe it's the Twilight Zone. Here at Smart Bomb the staff calls it Trump World. The big bronze pile of poop sits on a desk with the nameplate of former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in remembrance of those who claimed to have defecated on it — a true American statement, if ever there was one. This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that since Ronald Reagan the GOP has stoked fear and loathing of the government of the United States. Call it coincidence.

OPEN WIDE SLC — HERE COMES NEXT BIG SPORTS DISTRICT

If you liked Ryan Smith's pie-in-the sky sports district real estate development plans for downtown, you're just gonna love the fast-tracked Major League Baseball stadium plans for 93 acres on the Westside. Salt Lake City has developed zoning ordinances and planning procedures over decades with an eye toward well-planned communities, but those things are no longer necessary with big projects like these because... well just because. This is the new laissez-faire planning paradigm where money talks and everyone else can shut the hell up. The Larry H. Miller Co. has a grand plan to lure a Major League Baseball team to the City of Salt that includes big developments on either side of North Temple at 1500 West — a Big League stadium as well as commercial and residential developments and maybe some entertainment venues, too. But like Smith's Jazz/Hockey entertainment district surrounding the Delta Center, Miller's MLB thing is shrouded in vagueness and big promises not to worry. Assisting tremendously in both cases is the Utah Legislature that likes to help Salt Lake City do what lawmakers and their big-money pals want. In this case that's a sealed deal between the city and Miller Co. by Dec. 31 — of this year. After all, when have state lawmakers screwed things up. The last time they helped like this was when they put a deadline on Salt Lake City for three new homeless centers. That worked out just fine — well, not exactly.

AS McDONALD'S GOES, SO GOES THE NATION... E COLI?

Like it or not, McDonald's is a symbol of America, here and across the globe. Now the Golden Arches have been dragged into the presidential election. Kamala Harris put up her working-class bonafides by recalling working there as a teen. Donald Trump called her a stinkin' liar (imagine fibbing about working at a burger joint.) and then shoveled french fries last week for a photo-op at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. Take that Kamala! Ironically, the vast burger chain has been struck by an outbreak of E-coli, which might not have anything to do with Trump, but who knows. Russians love McDonald's, so do the French. The Golden Arches are big in Buenos Aires, too. What can you say? Here at Smart Bomb our anthropologists can't figure it. Wilson and the guys in the band won't go near the place unless they've got the stoned-out munchies and there's no Burger King in sight. Still, Americans from coast-to-coast line up all day long for Egg McMuffins, McNuggets, Big Macs and french fries. But hold on to your ketchup packet, french fry sales are sharply down at McDonald's and its main supplier has shuttered one of its frozen spud plants. What's up? Nationally, fast food sales are down 3 percent. From April to June McDonald's global sales were off 1 percent. But take heart, McDonald's brass says its french fries have a bright future. Whether that's true for politics in the United States of America is a different question altogether.

Post script — That's a wrap for another historic week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of McDonald's so you don't have to. On a more serious note, a new Deseret News/Hinckley Institute of Politics poll shows Donald Trump ahead of Kamala Harris in Utah by 30 points. Trump voters in the Beehive State apparently don't care their guy was found guilty of 34 felonies in a New York hush money case involving a porn star. They apparently don't care that he's still facing felony charges in Washington, D.C. for his attempted coup after losing the 2020 election. They don't care that he has been indicted for conspiring to change the election outcome in Georgia through a criminal enterprise. They don't care that he illegally removed troves of classified documents to his Florida resort where guests and employees had access to them. They don't care that a jury found that he sexually abused E. Jean Carroll in a department store dressing room. They don't care that Trump has promised to use the National Guard and U.S. military to retaliate against political foes. They don't care that Trump has threatened to strip broadcast licenses of networks who criticize him. They don't care that he has threatened on Truth Social to prosecute and imprison “lawyers, political operatives, donors, illegal voters, and corrupt election officials” who he deems to be unfair to him. But what choice do good Utah voters have, really, because they just can't vote for a Democrat — that's a bridge too far.

Things are getting crazy Wilson. Folks don't know if they're coming or going. And you thought the Tet Offensive was bad. Is the Good Ship United States about to sail off the edge of the world or does the election just feel that way. As you know Wilson, some people have had bad acid trips better than this — and they were shorter, too. Anyway, maybe you and the guys in the band can take us out with something apropos:

I woke up this mornin' with the sundown shinin' in I found my mind in a brown paper bag within I tripped on a cloud and fell-a eight miles high I tore my mind on a jagged sky I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in I pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it in I watched myself crawlin' out as I was a-crawlin' in I got up so tight I couldn't unwind I saw so much I broke my mind I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in Someone painted "April Fool" in big black letters on a "Dead End" sign I had my foot on the gas as I left the road and blew out my mind Eight miles outta Memphis and I got no spare Eight miles straight up downtown somewhere I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in

(Just Dropped In — Kenny Rogers)

[sensitivegoblin]

Sorry this took so long lol tumblr mobile doesn't really let you copy n paste😭☠️

Last song: Stuff is Way

Favorite color: green :3

Currently watching: all of my usual comfort shows (family guy, Hell's Kitchen, drama in the beauty influencer world) but as for something new I recently have started watching American Dad!

.....it's ok😭

I really like some episodes but a majority are just meh or just constant anti America jokes and like it's funny! I just have veteran blood in me so I can't help but cringe away from it if that makes sense

Rodger and Klaus are my favorites and I wish they would've just stopped thinking about comparing themselves to family guy and kept Reginald Koala, also the golden turd storyline is the best and I wish it was an on going thing to look forward to

Sweet, savory, or spicy?: I used to say sweets all the way but lately I've been a savory whore sgfddf give me some turkey gravy and nice hot meat pls

Relationship status: not looking for new romances but single✨

Current obsession: this is hard cus I don't get to ramble often sgfsdff i really like to talk about drama like Kim K ruining Marylyn Monroe's dress, I like to ramble about animation sometimes too! Someone give me a prompt/question to ramble about so I can figure out who I am lmao (hmu for my number cus my friend showed me the voice memo feature)

Last thing you googled: ......it was tickle p•rn😔☠️

I don't like tagging people I'm sorry ahfsf it gives me anxiety unless I get a text that plainly states I can tag you in random posts I won't sggssfff

But since you tagged me first I can do this; @lucasthelesbian the fact that ur fav is poison?😭 big fuckibg mood after watching that ep I couldn't even finish the series☠️

9 people you’d like to know better

Thank you for the tag @clockwork-ashes and @lovely-vanserra-sunshine

Last song: Riot by Hollywood Undead- trust me I regret a full shuffle too. Lol

Favorite color: pastels but pink

Currently watching: Does GTLive count?

Sweet/Savory/spicy: sweet

Relationship status: Chronically single

Current obsession: -gestures around- acotar

Last thing you googled: atmospheric gravity wave experiment

No pressure tags: @acourtofladydeath @mybestfriendmademe @tilseptemberends @tsunami-of-tears @hieragalbatorixdottir @shadowdaddies @mika-no-sekai-blog @wickedfelinaxo @achaotichuman

[rogers-attic]

just remembered how i had a dream the other night where my dad got me this very specific roger plushie but it was through some sketchy finance or smth lmao

[redloftwingfeathers]

Me: oh hey i'm on a roll here with korok seeds, surely I must be somewhat close to the end goal

Loading screen: >296

Me:

[thelostpocket]

Finally gotten around to watching The Borgias (and I haven't finished it yet so this Longpost could all mean nothing) but currently ruminating on the way Lucrezia and her illigitimate son, Giovanni, are treated by her family. Like she tells Cesare she's pregnant and, oops, her husband isn't the father and... no anger, no screams of whoredom, no threats of punishment. Cesare's instant reaction is concern for her health/welfare and to find her somewhere safe, with full medical support (for the time), to get through the pregnancy. Although this is before Cesare and Lucrezia get very VERY chummy, it's clear their love for and dedication to one another is something apart - but Cesare looks at Paolo (lucrezia's baby daddy) and, no matter what he might be feeling, treats him not as an enemy, but with respect as someone Lucrezia loves. The same with baby Giovanni - Cesare adores the baby and cares deeply for it because it's a part of Lucrezia, whom Cesare loves more than anything else in his life. In a time where I, at least, was expecting wild jealously towards paolo and cold indifference to the child of another man, Cesare looks first for what he loves: Lucrezia.

And as far as we see, it's the same with lucrezia's father, Rodrigo - no matter what might have happened 'behind the scenes', what we DO see is: Rodrigo helping Lucrezia get an annulment from her great steaming turd of a husband (on the grounds of impotence, even though we can plainly see that she is pregnant at the time of the trial, suggesting that Rodrigo knew that the baby wasn't the product of a borgia-sforza union); Rodrigo eagerly and lovingly welcoming the birth of his first grandchild, and in fact attending when comments from his family suggest he wasn't supposed to; Rodrigo taking an active and joyful role in the care of the baby, including carrying it to his papal throne (bearing in mind the child's humble parentage on the father's side); AND, when Cesare says something very like "you married her to a brute who misused her and pushed her into the arms of a stable boy for affection", Rodrigo not only does not disagree or try to defend that decision, but he allows it to persuade him to break a Big Catholic Rule (giving a suicide a Christian burial), all for the sake of his daughter and grandson's wellbeing.

Like, say what you will about them (although, again, I haven't finished it, so who's to say if this will change), but that's actually really kind of admirable. There are families about today who wouldn't behave so amicably and open-mindedly in such a situation.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I just kept expecting someone to come down like a ton of bricks on her (I mean I guess juan did but he's fucked off to Spain and hasn't come back yet and as far as I'm concerned he can stay there) - like expecting some jealous row with Cesare. But no, he says your new Borgia baby? OUR Borgia baby, sis. Or expecting Reprimands and Off To A Nunnery hypocrisy from the holy daddy. But no, he's just happy the family is growing and, hey, you know what, while myself and all my holy boyz are off on tour dealing with this mess with France, I'm going to leave Lucrezia, the only person we can wholeheartedly trust, in my place as pope in loco parents while I'm gone. Oh, sorry, what's that, she's a woman and I can't do that? Too late, already done, and I'm already out the door, so I guess you can take your complaints to God or his right-hand-woman, sitting on that golden throne right in front of you, k bye. Giulia Farnese, la Bella Farnese, the Other Powerful Woman in the show and Lucrezia's life? Surely she'll make a move, try to use her absence or most recent mistake to manipulate her into something? But no. She helps Lucrezia escape her cruel husband the second she works out lucrezia's pregnant, encourages lucrezia's political aptitude, and seeks her out as a co-conspirator (alongside the pope's former mistress, lucrezia's mother, whom Giulia replaced) in her schemes to Keep The Cardinals Under Control Honest.

Like, there's an awful lot about this show and this family that's. . . Dicey. . .and I know there's more (and worse) to come. . . But this, right in these longer-than-i'd-expected paragraphs above? I can really respect that.

[crystalbrain7]

crystalbrain-l'anus de cristal

send ur 0.034 ETHs here:

ok, sometimes i don't know whether somethin is a mouth or an anus, but this really looks like a big anus in the sky i guess. liek maybe its made of crystal, liek etherealeum? i don't know money, i'm not too rich so i try to use cryptographickalcurrency to buy myself a demonburger at burger king. i hear a lot about a merge which is somethin crystalbrain just tries to be cool and work with, because he's a smooth criminal liek that but not liek michael jackson having kids over for sleepovers because eww forget that. i suppose if u wanted to hear something intelligent to say u could say that money is shit. actually that might not be intelligent, but money turns everythin to shit i guess, including the internet, but i need it to buy a demonburger at burger king or maybe a venus fly trap burger at some other burger joint.

this is definitely some cool shit because it is made from crystalbrain's biography being turned into a kaleidoscope which ended up looking like a crystal anus. there was a lot of tweaking (not that kind of tweaking) and then it looked more anus-like, and then a gradient was put on the background. are u with me? be birthed like a turd into whatever lies beyond, maybe a golden toilet or somethin, i dunno.

[pregnant-piggy]

Summer Games - three

Blaise Zabini x reader

masterlist

warnings: no pronouns used for the reader, 

A/N: I had so much fun writing this part and coming up with all the stupid things! I really hope you like it :)

written for @omgrachwrites​​​ writing challenge with the prompts: ‘I can’t have this argument with you again.’ ‘But—’ ‘No, I’m done.’ and ‘Sorry… your hair was in your face… thought  I should move it so I could see you better.’

word count: 3.9k

The next morning Blaise awoke before Draco and rather than waking his friend too, Blaise got dressed in silence and slipped out of the room. He walked down to the kitchen, where he found you sitting at the table with a mug in your hands, reading the morning papers.

‘Might rain this afternoon,’ you said without looking up.

Blaise hummed something as he sat down opposite of you and poured himself a cup of coffee. He looked up and studied your face as you read the newspaper. Your eyes scanned the pages quickly, picking out the things worth reading. Blaise watched you for a few minutes until you had finished and looked up at him.

‘What you’re doing?’ he asked when you kept looking at him.

‘Looking at you,’ you smiled.

Blaise chuckled nervously. ‘I noticed that, yeah. But why?’

‘I’m probably not gonna see you all day,’ you shrugged. ‘Don’t wanna forget that pretty face of yours.’

Blaise straightened his back and blinked. ‘Don’t wanna—’

‘Good morning, lovelies!’ Pansy interrupted as she threw open the door of the kitchen and strode in.

Blaise was still turned to you and watched as you hugged Pansy shortly before she sat down next to you. She poured herself some coffee and looked at Blaise.

‘Blaise, stop staring, that’s rude,’ Pansy said and she waved her hand in front of Blaise’s face.

He quickly looked away from you and shot Pansy a nasty look before he turned to his coffee.

‘Pansy don’t bug him,’ you scolded and shot Blaise a kind smile. ‘It’s only morning.’

‘Fine, fine,’ Pansy said and she waved your words away with her hand. ‘I won’t bug him until later this day.’ She took a sip from her coffee and pulled a face before quickly scooping two spoons of sugar in her cup. ‘Where’s Draco?’

‘Still asleep,’ Blaise muttered. ‘I considered hexing him awake, but I still have to sleep here for two nights and Draco with a grudge is not someone you want to sleep next to.’

‘I am not that bad,’ a grumpy voice at the doorframe said. Draco walked into the room and flopped down on the chair next to Blaise. ‘Coffee, please.’

‘Sure, you’re not that bad,’ you snickered as you poured coffee in Draco’s mug.

While Draco drank his coffee, you told your friends what Game today would be. ‘It’s the last day before the winner gets announced. Yesterday while we were at the lake the other half of the teams played games in the fields. Before we set off today we’ll get the ranking so far, so you know what team to beat.’

‘But what are we doing today?’ Pansy asked.

A big smile spread on your face. ‘It’s the best Game of the whole festival. The organisation has put out a big scavenger hunt. It goes through the whole village and we have to solve riddles and collect things. You’ll get a list with things to collect and usually the team splits up in little groups and each group gets a part of the list.’

‘What sort of things do we have to collect? Because I’m really not interested in breaking my back from carrying a lot,’ Draco said.

‘I don’t know,’ you replied. ‘Usually there’s a theme to the hunt. My grandma helps to put it together and previous years she’d tell me what the theme was but she hasn’t this year.’

‘So we’ll just go around town collecting things? Isn’t that boring?’

Your smile faltered a bit and Blaise kicked Draco under the table. ‘Don’t listen to him, he’s a jerk in the morning. It sounds fun!’

You smiled thankfully at Blaise and after Pansy also reassured you that it sounded great, your smile was back on your face, and it stayed there for the rest of the morning.

/\/\/\

The scavenger hunt had officially started. A little earlier the scores of the teams had been disclosed; the Sly Foxes were on top with only two points difference between them and the Red Titans. Next were the Oiled Machines and at the bottom the Raging Angels. But just by a few points so all could change with the scavenger hunt.

The organisation had handed out the lists with the things to collect and the theme had quickly been clear.

Book of Spells … 7 pts

Iron Cauldron … 15 pts

Vial with Sleeping Potion … 12 pts

Witch Hat … 5 pts

Unnecessarily the woman of the organisation had added that the theme of this year’s hunt was ‘magic’ and both Blaise and Draco had had to refrain their laughter at the stereotypical items they had to collect. There was a whole list on ingredients for potions that no real wizard would ever think of using, such as goat milk and rabbit turds. Apparently Muggles still thought of witches as old, weary women in little shacks in the woods.

Blaise and Draco had been teamed up with three other Foxes. Neither of them knew any of the three, but after his little spat with Alysia two days ago, Blaise was more than happy that he wasn’t in her team.

The oldest of their team was Ivanna, a woman of thirty-four with a pale face and sleek brown hair. Despite the heat she was wearing long trousers and a jacket over her shirt. She’d told the rest of the team that she had a little baby of just two months old, so that if she seemed tired it meant she probably was.

The second of the three was the twenty-three year old student Mica. They had a dark golden skin and black, curly hair that had been cut short and dyed blue in the ends. Under the blue bangs lay two dark eyes that glittered with excitement and competitiveness. Mica was a student in London, but they had come back to the town where they’d grown up for the Summer Games.

The last teammate was the very young Raoul. He was the son of the man Draco and Blaise had met the first day of the festival at the stand with the cherry pastries, Hank. Raoul was just eleven years old, but he brought a childlike enthusiasm with him that made everyone in the team energized.

They were by far the youngest team, as all the other teams had the more aged villagers, so they called themselves the Sly Pups. Quickly they set to work and looked at the items on their list.

‘Does this make any sense to you?’ Ivanna asked as she handed the list to Blaise and Draco.

Errn rq srwlrqv … 7 pts

Eurrpvwlfh … 17 pts

Fordn … 9 pts

Fdqgohv .. 10 pts

‘I don’t get it,’ Draco said to the rest of the team and then he whispered to Blaise: ‘You didn’t take Ancient Runes, did you?’

‘No, I didn’t,’ Blaise answered and he looked at the sheet in his hand. ‘But I doubt these are runes.’

Blaise looked around at the rest of the Sly Foxes but they didn’t seem to have the same problems, as they were already heading off. Then he looked at the other teams on the field and realised that from each team one group would stay bent over their list while the others took off. In one of the remaining teams Blaise recognised you and Pansy.

‘You don’t think it’s a mistake, do you?’ Ivanna asked with frowned eyebrows.

‘No, the other teams have it too,’ Blaise said and he nodded to the three groups left behind around them.

‘Wait, this one we can read!’ Mica said and pointed out the first line on the paper. ‘”To understand the magic you must always think three steps ahead.” What does that mean?’

The whole team silenced as they thought about the possible meaning of the sentence. Raoul looked around on the ground as if he would find the answer literally three steps ahead of him. For minutes it was quiet and Blaise’s annoyance grew.

To make his irritation even worse two of the other teams around them, including your team, had found the solution to the weird texts and were now running off the field. Blaise let out an exasperated sigh and he shook his head.

‘It can’t be this hard,’ Draco said.

‘It’s some sort of secret language, but I don’t understand the three steps,’ Mica admitted and they rubbed their temples with their knuckles.

‘My dad taught me a secret language once,’ Raoul said. ‘So we could write each other without my other dad finding out. We changed each letter with the one next in the alphabet.’

‘Of course!’ Mica exclaimed and they took the paper from Blaise. ‘Does someone have a pen?’

Ivanna gave Mica a pen and they turned Draco around to use his back. ‘What are you doing?’ Draco snapped but Mica ignored him as they started to write the alphabet on the top of the paper.

‘Look, it’s actually really easy,’ they said. ‘Each letter is swapped for a letter three steps ahead in the alphabet! Just like Raoul said!’

‘So that would mean that the e in the first word is actually a…’

‘A b!’ Mica completed Blaise’s sentence. ‘So the first word is… book… on… pot—potions! We have to find a potions book!’

‘I’ve got one of those in my bag,’ Draco muttered, but Blaise kicked him softly on his leg.

‘We have to go the library!’ Raoul said and he ran off.

‘Raoul! Wait a minute! Not so fast!’ Ivanna yelled after him and the group quickly followed the little boy.

/\/\/\

Your team had quickly figured out the solution to the weird text and found a potions book in the library, accompanied by a little paper with the next clue. Now you were sitting on the wall around the garden of the library with your team.

On your right sat Pansy and on your left Quincy. Quincy was your grandparents’ neighbour and you knew him very well so you were glad he was on your team. He was fifty-five and he had studied philosophy at the university in the nearest big city when he was younger. You hoped his intelligence would be applicable in the hunt, and so far it had for he had figured out the secret language.

Opposite of you stood Chantelle, the forty-two year old town’s librarian. Despite her being in her early forties she looked much older. She had a wrinkled face and neck and always stared at you with big eyes from behind her thick glasses. Her appearance was deceiving however, because her mentality was as quick as that of a young adult.

The last in your team was a teenage boy only a year older than you and Pansy. His name was Christopher and you had known him since you were a small child and you went to your grandparents in the summer. He had dark curls framing his olive face that was always painted with a bright smile. This time there was something other in his smile too and it only made sense to you after he told you that his boyfriend was in the other team and he desperately wanted to beat him.

‘y/n too,’ Pansy had said and Christopher had raised his eyebrow.

‘Really?’

‘No! Blaise is not my boyfriend!’ you’d cried to which Pansy had laughed.

‘Who said anything about Blaise? I merely said ‘boyfriend’.’

Now you were all looking at the new paper in your hand. The next item on the list was an eurrpvwlfh; a broomstick. Though finding out what the next item was had been easy, the real problem was finding the place where. The text on the paper you had gotten from the person in the library didn’t exactly help you very much.

Where I am is always a mystery.

Over mountains I fly,

Or I cross above the trees.

Down on the ground I rest,

Still and motionless I stand.

Pansy sighed and she threw her head back, closing her eyes as she thought about the riddle. Next to you, Quincy was staring at the text as if that would make him any wiser. Every once in a while he would hum but he didn’t come with an answer.

‘We’re gonna lose our lead like this,’ Christopher sighed as he looked around the street for other teams.

‘Surely we’re not seeing something,’ Pansy said and she tilted her head to the side, looking at the paper from a different angle. ‘No offense, but the organisation isn’t exactly a group of highly intelligent people, so maybe we have to think easier.’

Christopher chuckled and you faked a scowl at Pansy. ‘That’s my grandmother you’re talking about!’ you cried and Pansy just shrugged. ‘But you’re right. I am sure there is something clear that we’re overlooking.’

Chantelle cleared her throat and pointed at the text. ‘Maybe we should take a literal approach. You know, look at the text rather than the meaning?’

‘Here,’ you said and gave Chantelle the paper, allowing her to put her full focus on it.

Down the street you noticed a group of people approaching the library. Running ahead of the others was a young boy you recognised as Raoul. He had a big smile on his face and was waving the list with things to collect through the air. In the group behind him Blaise and Draco were walking together, followed by Mica and Ivanna. They noticed your team and Blaise and Draco waved.

‘Not to put pressure on you, but I really hope you can figure it out now because if we don’t win from Blaise and Draco I will be hearing that for the rest of my life,’ you sighed and Pansy nodded.

Chantelle looked up from the paper and winked at you. ‘I got it.’

Your team cheered and Blaise’s team, that was just about to enter the library, looked around. Upon seeing your team so happy, their faces turned sad.

‘See you tonight, boys!’ Pansy shouted. ‘Losers have to do the dishes!’

/\/\/\

Blaise and his team stepped out of the woods with the broomstick in their hand. The broom was old and twitchy and Blaise had to stifle a laugh thinking of how different the real broomsticks were in the wizarding world.

Again it had been Mica who had guessed the answer of the riddle. Blaise wondered where the team would be if they hadn’t been here. Probably still working on the first puzzle. But Mica had figured out that the first letters of the sentences in the little poem formed the word woods, the place where they had found the broomstick.

Now they only had the next word, fordn, meaning cloak, and a silver pin. It was not much to go on but Ivanna had recognised the pin straight away.

‘It comes from Mrs. Heath’s studio!’ she exclaimed and looked at the little pin in her fingers. ‘It’s what she uses for her dresses!’

Unfortunately Mrs. Heath’s studio lay on the other side of the village and it would take at least forty minutes before they’d get there.

‘Forty minutes?!’ Draco cried and when the team set off he turned to Blaise. ‘Stupid Muggles, why can’t we just apparate?’

‘Oh shut it, Malfoy,’ Blaise said. ‘It’s fun!’

‘I’m gonna curse y/n for making us do this…’

Grudging Draco followed the rest of his team and though Blaise would never say it to his friend, he had to admit that his feet were beginning to hurt.

The Sly Pups passed little houses with colourful front yards, full of flowers and bushes. The main street was silent and all the shops were closed, as most of the inhabitants were participating in the Games and there was no need for the stores to be open. They ran into a few other teams, but none of those had the same list as they had.

After forty-five minutes they arrived at the old house of Mrs. Heath. In the garden there was a little path, past pink flowerbeds and a small pond with fish. Halfway in the garden the path split in two. One side led to the bright yellow front door, the other led to a wooden door with a sign on it that said the Heath atelier.

Ivanna stepped through the garden and knocked on the yellow door. A minute it was silent and then an old lady opened the door. She was wearing an orange with blue flowers dress that reached to the ground and her grey hair hung in a braid over her shoulder. Her lips spread into a smile when she saw the five people at her door.

‘You’re the first ones!’ Mrs. Heath smiled and she stepped out of the door. ‘Come, come, follow me!’

Blaise sent Draco a questioning look as they followed Mrs. Heath to her studio. Your team had been far ahead of Pups, having figured out where to find the broomstick before Blaise’s team even had the riddle. In the forest there had been two brooms already collected, but apparently the Sly Pups were the only ones who had found where the silver pin came from.

Inside the Heath atelier stood four mannequins with colourful robes. Each had a different colour and pattern. There was a dark blue one with yellow stars, a green one covered with red flowers and one coloured yellow with orange and red flames. Blaise snickered at the cloaks; the only one he had even seen wearing such colours was Dumbledore and he couldn’t exactly be called a normal wizard.

‘You take this one,’ Mrs. Heath said and she pulled a bright pink cloak with yellow and green crescents embroidered in it from a mannequin. ‘And also—’ she opened a drawer and pulled out a thin object in the shape of a circle ‘—this one. Good luck!’

Ivanna took the object and the cloak and ushered the team outside. In the garden she handed over the cloak to Draco, who took it with a frown, and looked at what Mrs. Heath had given her.

‘It’s a coaster,’ Mica said, raising one eyebrow. ‘Why would she give us a coaster?’

Before anyone of the team could guess, however, another group arrived at the house. You and Pansy were walking ahead, both with tired and sweaty faces, and the rest of your team seemed just as exhausted.

Blaise waved at you and you gave him a weak smile back as you walked with your team inside.

‘Does anyone recognise this?’ Mica asked and they looked around the team.

Everyone shook their head and they sighed as one. Ivanna brought the coaster closer to her face and examined it. She dropped her shoulders and shook her head again. ‘I don’t know what it is.’

‘It probably has something to do with the next item,’ Mica said and they pulled out the list. ‘Candles. Is there a place here that sells candles or anything?’

‘But what has that got to do with the coaster?’ Blaise asked.

‘I don’t know,’ Mica admitted.

Your team came out of the studio with the green cloak and Pansy had a coaster in her hand. You huddled a little away from Blaise and your team formed a protective circle around the object in Pansy’s hand.

Blaise was standing with his back to your team, but he could hear the whispers. While his team tried to think of a solution for the weird puzzle, Blaise tried to listen to what your teammates had to say. And it seemed like your team had sorted it out as quickly as Ivanna had sorted out the solution of the pin.

‘I know where this is from,’ Quincy said. ‘At Mikey’s they use these coasters.’

‘And that would make sense, because in a restaurant they surely have candles!’ Chantelle added and the rest of your team mumbled approvingly.

Blaise looked around and saw your team leaving the garden and heading for the main street. You caught his stare and smiled enthusiastic at Blaise, making him weak in the knees with the innocent laugh on your face. Butterflies were fluttering through his stomach and he felt bad for eavesdropping on your team.

‘Blaise?’

‘Yeah?’ Blaise tore his gaze from you and turned to his team, finding them all looking at him.

Mica laughed and shook their head. ‘Ivanna said that she knows someone who makes candles,’ they said. ‘I know we haven’t got much time left, but it’s worth a try.’

The scavenger hunt would only last till four, then everyone had to return to the fields, whether they had found all the objects or not. Now there were only thirty minutes left, so they had to hurry.

Blaise looked at his team and thought of what he had heard a minute earlier. If they went to the candle-maker they would never get to the restaurant in time, and that would mean that they’d lose from your team. However, when Blaise thought of you and how happy you’d be when winning, he just couldn’t tell.

‘Sure,’ he said. ‘Sounds great.’

/\/\/\

You were lying in bed, staring at the shapes the lamp cast on the ceiling. Pansy was hopping around in the room, trying to find the pyjamas that she had thrown off this morning. Her footsteps were heavy sounds on the wooden floor.

There was a faint smile on your face. This afternoon your team had been the only one to return with all four of the items on the list. Though that didn’t guarantee that the Red Titans had won the entire scavenger hunt, it did mean that you and Pansy’s team had won from Blaise and Draco’s.

However, there was one more thing that added to your smile.

‘He knew,’ you said and sat up against the headboard of the bed.

‘Who knew what?’ Pansy asked as she was bent over in the closet.

‘Blaise knew where to find the candles.’

Pansy looked up at you. ‘What do you mean? His team didn’t find them.’

‘No, his team didn’t know,’ you said while Pansy took off her shirt and trousers. ‘But he did.’

Pansy neatly folded her clothes and placed them on a shelf in the closet. Then she closed the door and looked around the room. ‘Where the hell are my clothes?’ she mumbled before she looked back at you. ‘How do you know?’

‘He overheard Quincy telling where the coaster came from,’ you said and you lifted the pillow on the bed and revealed Pansy’s pyjamas. ‘He looked at me before we walked away. I could see it in his face.’

Pansy had sat down on the bed and pulled the shirt over her head. ‘So if he knew, why didn’t he tell his team?’ she asked and then a wicked smile spread on her face. ‘He let you win.’

‘He let us win, Pansy,’ you corrected, but even you couldn’t suppress a smile. ‘But yeah.’

‘So that’s why you’ve been smiling so much all evening!’ Pansy exclaimed loudly and you shushed her.

‘Shh! He’s still in the room next to us!’

Pansy rolled her eyes and crawled under the covers next to you. ‘Will you now believe he’s totally into you?’

You turned off the light on the nightstand and lay down, pulling the duvet up to your chin. You stared at the dark ceiling for a moment, thinking back of today. With a smile you took Pansy’s hand and gave it a little squeeze.

‘Perhaps.’

- - - - - - -

taglist

general HP: @harry-pottery-barn​​​ @potters-heart​​​ @kingalrdy​​​ @missswriter​​​ @figlia--della--luna​​​@sexysirius​​​ @awritingtree​​​ @bi-andready-tocry​​​ @lilulo-12fanfiction​​​ @ananad1​​​ @treestarrrrrrrr​​​ @your-hispanichufflepuff​​​ @thefandomplace​​​ @theeicedamericano​​​ @girllety​​​ @moonstarrnghtsky @swearingsolemnly​​​ @weasleydream​​​ @secretsthathauntus​​​ @amixedwitch​​​ @izzyyy-1​​​ @gryffindorgirl​​​ @kitkatkl​​​ @catching-the-train-to-hogwarts​​​ @nyotamalfoy​​​​

MASTERLIST

[thelambs]

The winner (obviously) is Bryan. The key to success is apparently to churn out as many soulless, big-budget sequels and spinoffs as possible... and eventually one of them will end up being a golden turd.

Louis steps away to give Bryan the mic and apparently gets distracted by the giant shiny curtain. 

Bryan gives an impassioned speech to the assembled crowd, thanking them profusely for the recognition and the opportunity. Deep down he knows how phony the whole process is, but who is he to turn down an opportunity to soak up attention like a dry sponge? Plus everything is just.... so shiny!

[boyduroy]

Shave and A Haircut

Fandom: It (2017/2019)

Characters: Bill, Richie, Eddie, Stanley

Word count: 2,044

Genre: slice of life, hurt/comfort

Warnings: language, mentions of bullying

Synopsis: Just another day of being bullied by Bowers. Luckily Richie knows what to do.

{Not beta’d/proofread, sorry for any typos}

Bill, Eddie, and Richie are all sitting at the Tozier dining room table, waiting for the fourth member of their party to arrive. Their geometry homework is spread out across the wooden table, most of it unsolved, along with an array of snacks, most of which have already been devoured. Bill looks at the old clock on the wall as Richie and Eddie bicker over who gets the last of the barbeque-flavored potato chips. Stanley should have been done with baseball practice 30 minutes ago, and it doesn’t usually take him this long to bike to Richie’s house. Bill briefly considers riding up to the baseball field to check on him when a knock comes from the front door.

“About time,” Richie mutters, quickly swiping the final few chips from Eddie’s hand as he gets up to answer the door.

“Richie, you turd!” Eddie screams as

“Y’snooze, you lose, skeddi-boy,” Richie calls back to the dining room with a mouthful of chips. He rubs his hands on the edge of his shirt as he reaches for the door handle. He doesn’t remember locking it, and Stan knows he can let himself in, but Richie figures his friend is just being his usual polite self.

“Stan the man,” he announces loudly, swinging the door open. “Where’ve you been? You know we suck at math…”

Richie trails off as he takes in the sight of Stanley on his front porch. The other boy’s head is hung, defeated, and his baseball cap covers his face completely. Still, Richie can see the faint outlines of tear tracks running from Stan’s chin. His knuckles are paper white as they clutch his gym bag, and aside from the usual dirt stains on his uniform, he doesn’t look too roughed up in any apparent way.

“Stanley?” Richie asks, tilting his head to peek up under the baseball cap. Stan’s face is red from either crying or from exercise, or possibly a combination of the two. “What’s wrong?”

Stan sniffs, his dark brown eyes refusing to meet Richie’s. “May I come in please,” he asks, his voice a bit raw.

Richie pulls him inside, taking his gym bag from him. “Go sit down on the couch, I’ll grab you a glass of water.” As Stanley quietly kicks his cleats off near the front door, Richie races to the kitchen, tosses the bag down haphazardly, and grabs a clean glass from the cupboard. Any other day he would’ve just grabbed one of the dirty ones from the sink, which would’ve earned him an earful from both Stan and Eddie about how gross that was – “I drank from it earlier, so why should it matter?” – but right now was not the time to instigate. As he fills the glass from the kitchen sink, Eddie and Bill poke their heads in.

“What’s going on, Rich?” Eddie asks. “You drop something?”

Richie hurries back to the living room, trying not to spill the glass that he accidentally filled up with too much water. “Something happened to Stan,” he calls over his shoulder. “Come on, he’s in here.”

“What h-happened?!” Bill asks worriedly, he and Eddie hot on Richie’s heels as the three of them come to gather around Stan, now sitting stiffly on the edge of the couch. Richie offers him the glass, which spills a little onto the couch cushion, but Stanley accepts it and takes a drink. Eddie perches next to him, his hand on Stan’s shoulder, and subconsciously starts checking his friend for any signs of outward injury.

“You alright, Stanley?” Eddie asks. Stan swallows the water eagerly and gasps, handing the now half-full glass back to Richie. He nods but continues to look down, his face still obscured by his baseball cap.

“What happened?” Bill asks again.

“Bowers and his gang…” Stanley answers quietly. He suddenly shrinks into himself, unwilling to reveal any further information. “I can’t, it’s embarrassing.”

Bill kneels, putting a gentle hand on Stan’s knee. “It’s okay, you can tell us. W-why don’t you take off your h-hat so we can hear you better.”

“I can’t.”

“Huh?” Bill blinks, confused.

“I can’t take it off,” Stan repeats.

Richie smirks. “Don’t worry about your hat hair, Stanley, we’ve all been ther—”

“No.” Stan sniffles and looks up finally, his brown eyes swimming with tears. “I can’t take off my hat, Richie, because Henry Bowers and his asshole friends put krazy glue in it,” he enunciates sharply. “My hat. Is glued. To my head.”

The three of them stare stunned at their friend, whose head falls back down sadly. Bill can feel his own face growing hot with anger. Fucking Bowers… It was one of the cruelest pranks you could do to someone: paint the inner brim of their hat with krazy glue and just wait for them to put it on.

Eddie is the first to break the silence. “Oh Stanley,” he whispers, his own eyes threatening to mist. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” He rubs Stanley’s shoulder and looks to the other two. “What should we do, guys?”

Bill strides towards the door. “I’m guh-gonna got kick the sh-sh-shit out of Bowers,” he says matter-of-factly. Stan is on his feet in an instant.

“Please no, Bill! Don’t, he’ll do something worse to you,” Stanley yells, grabbing Bill’s shirt. Bill tries to shake him off as he opens the front door. “Please, it’s okay—”

“It’s not okay, Stan! He hurt you!”

Stan hardens. “Fine, I know, it’s not okay. It fucking sucks. But I don’t want you to get hurt fighting my battles for me! Bowers is going to get what’s coming to him eventually, but I don’t want you or anyone else getting hurt today.” He loosens his grip and sighs, rubbing his face. “Just… leave it alone, okay? For now, at least. Please?”

Bill huffs but eventually closes the door again.

“Fine,” he says, resting a hand on the offending baseball cap on Stan’s head. “But we still need to figure out what we’re g-going to do about th-this.”

“You’re gonna have to cut it off, I guess,” Richie offers.

Stan frowns. “No, I can’t. It’ll look so stupid.” He tries gently tugging the cap, but it doesn’t budge. “There’s got to be another way.”

Eddie approaches and carefully inspects where the hat and Stan’s hair are connected. “He really did a number,” he admits. “It’s stuck to your scalp in some places.”

Stanley groans. “Great,” he sighs.

“It’s just hair, it’ll grow back,” Richie insists. “My dad has some clippers in his bathroom, we can take care of it right now.”

Stanley shakes his head. “I especially don’t want to shave my whole head, Richie!”

“Why not? It’s just hair.”

“It’s my hair!” Stan argues. “Excuse me if I don’t want to look like Sinead O’Connor the rest of the school year!”

“It’ll grow back, Stanley!”

“I don’t care!”

“Oh my god, you are so sensitive,” Richie grumbles as he marches off and slams his parents’ bedroom door. Bill is about to suggest something when they hear the telltale buzz of an electric razor. The three of them are frozen in place.

“He wouldn’t,” Eddie says, looking wide-eyed at the other two.

They stumble past one another as they race to the bedroom and Bill pounds on the bathroom door. “Richie, what are you doing?!” he yells over the loud buzz of the razor. He tries the doorknob but it’s locked.

“Hey dumbass, you proved your point,” Eddie shouts at the door. “Cut it out, you’re freaking us out!”

Finally, after a few more bangs on the wood and jiggling the doorknob, does the buzzer click off and the door swing open. Richie stands there proudly, glasses off, clippers in hand, and with a freshly (and poorly) buzzed head.

“See? I told you it’s not a big deal, you wuss,” he says, gesturing to himself. The other three just stare at him in utter shock until Stan finally sputters.

“Richie, you… you--” Stanley says, then dips his head down into his hands, his shoulders beginning to shake. Richie frowns, worried for a minute that he’s crying again, but then Stanley tosses his head back and he’s laughing so uproariously. “You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you,” he asks through gasps.

The tension broken, Bill and Eddie also begin to laugh while Richie just smiles stupidly.

“You missed like so many spots, dude,” Eddie snickers. “Geez Richie, were you even trying?”

“Hey, I had to take my glasses off,” Richie protests. He tosses the razor to Bill and points to the back of his head, where tufts of black hair remained in messy patches. “Mind cleaning me up, Bill?”

Bill smirks and gets to work shaving off the rest of Richie’s hair. He actually didn’t do too bad of a job, just missed a few places here and there. At least he put a guard on it so he wasn’t just freehanding it.

“There you go,” Bill says once he’s finished. He hands Richie back his glasses and dusts the loose hair off his shirt. Richie examines himself in the mirror, his hands running over the short buzzcut.

“Looks a hell of a lot better than Sinead, if I do say so myself,” Richie remarks, satisfied with his handiwork. He throws a look to the other boys and grabs a pair of mustache scissors, snipping them threateningly. “Your turn, Stanley.”

Stan shakes his head quickly. “Not from you, four-eyes.” He takes the scissors and hands them to Bill. “Please be gentle.”

Bill nods and carefully starts cutting away the worst of the glue/hat/hair combination until the hat is freed, along with a substantial amount of hair. Eddie throws it unceremoniously into the trashcan. Stanley shuts his eyes, not wanting to see how ridiculous he looks with half his hair missing. Then Bill methodically shaves away the rest of his golden curls and it’s over before he knows it.

“Okay, you can look, if y-you want to.”

Stanley peeks one eye open and looks in the mirror. His face looks back at him, now sporting the same crewcut as Richie. It’s… not as bad as he thought it would be.

“It’s different,” he admits, touching the short prickly hairs gingerly. His heart aches for just a moment. It sucks but Richie was right: it’s just hair, and it’ll grow back. He glances at Richie. “I think I pull it off better than you, at least.”

Richie feigns a wounded look, clutching his chest dramatically. “Hey, whoa, watch yourself there, Staniel! Don’t forget, you copied me. I started this trend.”

They all laugh at this, then Bill looks at himself in the mirror, shrugs, and buzzes a line right down the middle of his head. They watch with amazement as he gives himself a haircut to match, smiling the whole time. Afterwards he clicks the buzzer off and turns to his friends, offering another shrug.

“I wanted to f-fit in with the cool k-kids. This look is v-very in right now.”

Stanley beams and throws his arms around Bill and Richie. “You guys are so dumb, but thank you,” he says. The three of them hug, then Richie looks mischievously at Eddie, who suddenly pales.

“Eds,” he states. “Snip, snip.”

Eddie glances between the three of them who now appear to be ganging up on him. He sighs and digs into his fanny pack. “My mom’s gonna think I joined a cult,” he mutters to himself. He pulls out his inhaler, takes a big puff, and looks to Bill. “Do it.”

Soon brunette hair joins the piles of auburn, blonde and black on the floor of Maggie and Wentworth’s bathroom. The boys take turns dusting each other off and inspecting one another for any missed spots, but Bill was careful and thorough and they all look good, if not a little bit off for the current fashion. Stanley felt grateful for his friends, idiots though they may be, for always making sure he was never alone in his suffering. They return to their long-forgotten snacks and homework, enjoying the pleasant company of one another – until the cry of “RICHARD TOZIER, WHAT IN GODS NAME HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF” from Richie’s mom interrupted their time together.