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radramblog · 4 years ago

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Magic’s Top 5 Planeswalkers (based on how much I want to pet them)

Now that I’ve done the cool analytical piece, I can get back on my bullshit! (More analysis…soonish?)

At this point M:TG has over 200 Planeswalker cards featuring a huge variety of cool and interesting characters, and a whole bunch of not especially cool and interesting characters as well (can’t win em all, looking at you Domri). I’m sure there are dozens of tierlists and top 5s out there ranking the most powerful, the coolest, the best waifu/husbando, et cetera et cetera.

But on this blog, I like to ask the real questions. And tonight, the real question is: Which of these fantasy folks would be best for the pets? Who do I desperately need to communicate reassurance and affection to through the medium of hand on head? The answer probably won’t surprise you if you know me, but maybe read on anyway because I’m sure I can wring some level of introspective entertaining content out of this dumb idea I had on my government-mandated exercise time.

Number 5. Elspeth Tirel

I’m going to be honest, I was expecting to be able to find one more character when I came up with this idea that would be more pleasant to pet than one of many, many humans, but I didn’t come up with a fifth as it turns out. So for number 5 we’ve got one of the characters who most needs a reassuring pat, maybe not as condescending as a good pet and hair ruffle though.

While the majority of Planeswalker backstories are tragic, owing to the nature of how becoming one works in the lore, Elspeth might just have it worst of all. She grows up in a prison controlled by Phyrexians, becomes a Walker and lives on Bant for a while and oops Bant gets fucked by the war following the Conflux, you don’t get to live here anymore. She goes to help Koth and Venser in the war against Phyrexians on Mirrodin, which they lose (and Venser dies)- so she has to see an entire plane fall to what tortured and traumatised her as a youth. She goes to Theros, gets chosen as the champion of local Zeus-alike Heliod which is Not A Good Time, does find a lover in Daxos- oh he’s dead because local villain Xenagos made her hallucinate that Daxos was a fucking Obliterator so she accidentally killed someone close to her, cool and good. After a bunch more horrifying and tragic stuff, she finally kills Xenagos for Heliod, upon which the god promptly shanks her with her own spear. She does manage to trade her life for Daxos’s while in the middle of dying, but Erebos monkey’s paws that shit and he comes back as a Returned, basically a zombie. I’m sure other stuff happens in Theros Beyond Death, since she apparently stops being dead, but they cocked up that whole story and it kinda doesn’t exist? So who knows.

So uh, yeah. Elspeth gets a reassuring pat because I think she fuckin needs it. Poor girl went through way too much bullshit.

Number 4. Angrath

Considering his name is literally a portmanteau of Anger and Wrath, it shouldn’t be a surprise that this Minotaur planeswalker has some emotional issues. But despite his Black-Red alignment (often associated with Chaotic Evil characters, and also Daretti), he’s a good man deep down. His role in the plotline of Ixalan is basically just helping Huatli find the Immortal Sun, him wanting it so he isn’t stuck in pirate-land anymore, her because it’s her quest and all that. He tries to let her know that hey, you’re a planeswalker, this petty shit is super beneath you, which is kinda insensitive, but sensitivity isn’t really his forte. They get through their adventure and Angrath immediately peaces out to reunite with his loving daughters, because he’s a great dad! Also he ends up doing some stuff in War of the Spark but I ain’t reading that novel- synopsis on the wiki says he’s doing good guy stuff soooooo…

But to be honest, the main reason Angrath is here (and you might notice a trend start), is that he’s a minotaur, and he’s got a cow face. And I dunno if y’all have pet a cow before, but it’s better than you’d think. I suspect I might end up with a chain to the face if I actually tried this, though.

Number 3. Tamiyo

Tamiyo is just a really cool character. She’s an explorer out for knowledge without interference (very Star Trek), incredibly curious and gentle, particularly interested in the moons of various planes since she herself is a Soratami, aka a Moonfolk. As well, much like Angrath is a great dad, Tamiyo is loving mother to her at least 3 kids- in fact, she might be the only walker I can think of who hasn’t canonically had awful things happen to at least one family member or friend. I really hope they don’t cock that up. When she’s at home, she invites other Planeswalkers over to drink tea and swap stories- in fact she was there for Ajani right after he had to watch Elspeth get impaled.

She’s also the type of personality that would likely be more bemused than anything if you asked to pet her head. Which is great, because it turns out as a Soratami, part of that “hair” is actually long fluffy bunny ears, and y’all know I gotta touch the fur. We’ll call it a…learning experience, sure. Whatever works.

I swear to god this isn’t hornyposting she’s married and I’m not into homewrecking-

Number 2: Lord Windgrace

Windgrace, is a giant humanoid panther man. And since this is already going to make the next pick obvious, and i’ve been going on for far faaaar too long, allow me to communicate my opinion in meme format.

Number 1: Ajani Goldmane

Like there was ever any other choice. While Windgrace is technically the OG Cat Dad, Ajani is the real MVP, the heart of the story, and a very pettable boi.

Ajani has had a long, complicated, and often sad path through the Magic lore. He lost the brother he idolised so much, he lost his eye, he lost Elspeth who he was close to for a long time, and he’s kept soldiering along the whole time. When he suddenly returned to the plot in Aether Revolt after like, 2 or 3 years of absence, it was an incredible moment for good character appreciators and furries alike. He went through character development, he’s one of the few characters to fight Bolas successfully (kinda), and considering Aether Revolt’s plot, he’s a comrade in the revolution. What’s not to love?

Look, I’m blatantly a cat person, but even if I weren’t massively biased, I can’t think of a better choice for the number one spot. He’d probably be down to get pet, too.

Before I go, some Dishonorable Mentions. Persons I would not want to pet under any circumstances.

Ashiok: I don’t know what’s going on with the top half of Ashiok’s face, and I don’t want to know what would happened to my hand if I put it there. Also, Ashiok is absolutely not the kind of person to receive pets.

Chandra: Chandra is really cool, but the artists can’t seem to decide if her hair catches fire when shes doing magic or not, and I don’t want to take that risk. Also, I don’t want to cuck Nissa like Greg Weisman did.

Bolas: No. Just No.

Vraska: For some reason, Magic’s Gorgons don’t have snakes for hair, they have tentacles. And I am extremely less interested in petting tentacles than I am in petting snakes.

#ramble #mtg #i think im real funny

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