#the barbecues we'd have and the music

[ellephlox]

Anchor

Summary: Matt helps you when you're overstimulated at a party.

Pairing: Matt x fem!reader on the autism spectrum

Warnings: Description of panic attack, overstimulation, brief and very indirect reference to sexual assault, profanity.

A/N: I apologize in advance if this doesn't fit with your experience of autism! I just used my own tendencies as inspiration to write this. Thank you so much for the request, anon!

Foggy warned you that his family could be... intense. Not just rambunctious, or extraverted, but more like a crowd of drunken mega-fans when their favorite team won the Super Bowl.

"So I get it if you don't want to come," he said, speaking through a mouthful of poutine. "No pressure at all. It's just a summer barbecue. But the only food there will be lasagna, just so you know."

"Why lasagna?" You sat across from him and Karen at a small, quiet diner after work, with Matt to your left. Sometimes you went to Josie's, purely because it was Matt and Foggy's favorite bar, but on busy days you'd go to this smaller eatery instead. Matt never made a big deal of it, and never said specifically to Karen and Foggy why he always suggested the quieter restaurant on the days when Josie's was brimming with patrons and music, but you knew why, and you'd told him a thousand times how grateful you were.

"Why lasagna?" Foggy repeated. "Uh, because July 29th is none other than the very important holiday, National Lasagna Day?"

"I have a feeling your definition of 'very important' differs ever so slightly from mine," you said. "Sorry. Haven't heard of it. So, you celebrate this because...?"

"Because my dad thought it would be funny and then it kinda stuck. So now it's an official Nelson Family Tradition."

"He's dragged me to some really weird traditions over the years," Matt said, wrapping his arm around your shoulder. You liked the feeling of being in a cubby of his arms, and you subconsciously leaned in closer to him. There weren't many people you could lean into comfortably, but Matt was one of them. "Careful. Once you go to one, he invites you to all of them. I'm still recovering from the Hammock Olympics."

"What's—"

"Don't ask," Foggy cut in. "It's a long story. But think about it, okay? We'd love to have you."

You weren't keen on going to a lasagna party — or any party, for that matter — but you agreed. Foggy had been your friend for a long time, and you felt that you owned it to him; besides, as much as he claimed his family was rowdy, they couldn't be that unruly.

But nothing could have prepared you for the swarm of Nelsons that spilled out of the house and onto the lawn. They were everywhere: Dancing to music that pumped from a speaker with far too much bass that made you wince. Shooting hoops in the short driveway and bodily ramming into one another, sweat visible under their arms. Hovering over the drinks, pouring from the array of alcohol that was stacked on a folding table.

"How many family members does Foggy even have?" you asked, under your breath, as you slowed slightly. Matt was leisurely tapping his cane next to you, his hand loosely around your arm.

"Based on memory? A few dozen. But..." Matt's brow crinkled. "There's definitely more than five dozen heartbeats here right now."

"More than sixty? How are there so many Nelsons? How are they all even able to attend? Don't some of them have other obligations to go to?"

"If it gets really packed in there, and you want to leave, we can go anytime."

"It's okay. I'll be fine."

"Really, sweetheart." Matt tugged at your arm slightly. "Just showing up is a huge deal for Foggy. We can leave at anytime, and no one will judge us."

You smiled at him. "You're the coolest guy ever, you know that?"

Walking up the Nelsons' driveway, you hoped that you and Matt would just melt into the crowd, but instead Foggy caught a glimpse of you and waved wildly. Wonderful. You put a wide smile on your face, though, and waved back stiffly. Awkwardly. Maybe no more waving for me.

To distract yourself from the heat already rising in your face, you began to narrate to Matt. "Foggy's up ahead of us. Drinks are all on the left. Lemonade, I think, apple cider, vodka, wine. And... what looks like a cheese board? There's also a lot of chalk all over the driveway. Hop scotch, body outlines, and genitalia, I think."

"Hopefully the last isn't courtesy of Foggy."

"I don't think so. Foggy is—"

"Behind you, and delighted that you came," Foggy said, coming up from behind and hugging you. You stiffened, unprepared for the embrace, but he bounced back quickly, his face flushed with the heat of the day. "Happy National Lasagna Day! I'd recommend getting in there before the Twisted Teas are gone."

In the corner of your eye, you could see someone reaching over to turn up the volume on the music. The bass thumped out of the speakers with even more force, and simultaneously a baby started wailing only ten feet away from you. You tensed slightly, resisting the urge to simply turn around and walk away from this party. For Foggy. For Foggy, I'll stay here and enjoy myself as much as I can.

Matt must have sensed it, because his hand crept to yours and squeezed. "Drinks nearby?"

"Yeah, about five feet to your left," Foggy said. "I'll read you the options. Hey, Y/N — my mom wants to meet you." At your bewildered look, Foggy raised his hands. "I don't know why. I'm just the messenger. She's inside, in the kitchen right now, and all she said was she wants to talk to you once you get here."

"She wants to talk to me?" The prospect was alarming. So was the idea of leaving Matt's side in a swarm of people like this. But you had no choice, because Mrs. Nelson suddenly waved from the front door, as though she'd sensed your arrival, beckoning you inside.

"She's waving me in," you said, panicking slightly. "Foggy, are you sure she meant me?"

"Positive. Sorry. She's going to pry, but don't feel obligated to tell her your darkest secrets. I think she likes the idea of having a girl to chat with about Matt and me."

Dear God. Please let this not last long. You reluctantly parted from Matt, and made your way into the brightly lit, maximist-style interior of the Nelson home. Knick-knacks and assorted tchotchkes surrounded you as though you were in an antique shop.

"Y/N!" Mrs. Nelson appeared again, her face round like Foggy's. You started to extend a hand, but she went right in for a hug — so that's where Foggy gets it from — and squeezed you. Limply you stood there, awkwardly reaching to hug back with one arm.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Nelson," you said. "Can I help with anything in the kitchen?"

"Don't be silly, that's not why I asked you in here. I want you to give me intel."

"Intel?"

"On Matthew! You're dating him, aren't you?"

"Oh — I—"

"We've known Matthew since he was a first year in law school," she went on, picking up a knife and chopping at a carrot with dextrous agility. "That boy doesn't ever settle down. But now he's met you, and I want details!"

"Um..." You averted your gaze. She hardly blinked at all, and it was unnerving. Instead you focused on the dripping faucet, and then the picture frames to your left. Foggy in college, Foggy with his siblings, a family portrait outside of Acadia National Park. You finally compromised and settled your gaze to the corner of her left eye. Close enough. "Well, we met about a year ago. Matt's always just understood me, and I guess we got along well with conversation, so here we are."

"You thinking of getting married?"

I barely know this woman, and she wants to know about my relationship. Your stomach was clenching at what you'd say, and it didn't help knowing that Matt was certainly listening to every word of the conversation. "I don't — I mean, I'm not really... I can't say. Not because I don't know, but because that's between me and Matt, mostly." Shit. Was that too harsh? You assumed it wasn't, because Mrs. Nelson went right on smiling.

The door slammed as someone else came in. You whirled around, hoping desperately it was Matt, but it was some unnamed relative who had the distinct Nelson features and a cigarette in his hand. He lit it, breathing in deeply, and exhaling smoke into the air.

"You know I don't like you smoking inside, Ben," Mrs. Nelson said, shooing at him.

"Sorry." Ben didn't stop smoking. You winced as the smell of cigarette smoke wafted up to you, and glanced at the closed window. That air Ben was exhaling — it was now in your lungs, and you could feel it tickling your throat. The more you thought about the fact that you were inhaling his air, the more restless you felt. The smoke curled through the air, and breezed against you as he sucked on the cigarette again. Surely it was now going to cling to your clothes for the rest of the day. You'd be able to smell it, you knew. And Matt would be able to smell it too, which would make it a hundred times worse because now you felt bad—

"Y/N?"

Your head snapped back to Mrs. Nelson. "Sorry?"

"I wondered if you'd like to hold the baby. She's fourteen weeks old today. I can ask Susan to bring her in for you."

That's the very last thing I want to do, actually.

You struggled for an answer, and finally landed on an excuse. "That's very kind of you to offer. But I think I've got to go back out," you said, jabbing a thumb over your shoulder and plastering a gracious look on your face. "I want to find Matt and... introduce him to someone."

Please don't ask who.

Fortunately, Mrs. Nelson didn't question you at all. "Oh, of course! I won't keep you."

Yes, please don't.

You hurried out of the kitchen, not realizing you were holding in a breath until you were in the mercifully clean, smoke-free air outside. The downside was that in the time you had been indoors, the sun had emerged from behind the clouds, and metamorphosed the already humid day into a blistering sauna.

You found Matt standing in the direct sunlight with some of Foggy's brothers. There was no shade to be found, and you mourned your decision to not put on sunscreen today as you joined his side and resisted the urge to hoist the back of your cardigan over your head like a parasol. The sweltering sunshine was so intense that you felt as though you could feel your skin burning second by second.

They all laughed — at what, you weren't sure — but it rang in your ears, nearly making you screw up your face. How was Matt handling this? Surely it was bothering him more than it bothered you. Yet he had a placid expression on his face, holding his cane loosely with one hand and sipping on a beer with the other.

"Last call for the cheese board," Foggy said suddenly. "And Mom says it'll be another two hours until supper, so grab some Swiss and Muenster now or forever hold your hunger."

Your stomach felt as though it were curdling. Two hours? It was already an hour past when you usually had lunch. Two more hours was frankly terrifying. And the only thing standing between you and the two-hours-out-lasagna was... cheese.

"Want to make our way over there, then?" you asked Matt, as casually as you could. There was no sense in letting him know you were stressed. He was having a good time, that much you could tell, and the last thing you wanted was for your discomfort to bring down his day.

Matt went with you to the table, and only when you were out of earshot of Foggy and his brothers did he speak. "Hey. You doing okay?"

"I've been better. I've been worse." There was no sense in trying to lie to him. "Let's just grab some cheese. I didn't realize lunch would be so late, or I would've had something at home."

But just before you reached the table, a girl of about eight or nine years ran in front of you, and dug both hands — both hands, two hands with chalk and dirty visibly staining them — into the platter of cheese, scooping out a handful for herself.

"Ella!" her mother snapped, a few feet away. "You've had enough. No more cheese."

The girl obeyed, tossing all the cheese slices back into the platter and running away cheerfully. You stood stock still, frozen in your spot.

Matt cocked his head slightly. "Still hungry for cheese?"

"Why?" you managed. "Why, why, why? Who just touches all the food then dumps it back in?" The cheese was too tainted now. Wistfully you looked at it, then at your watch. One hour, fifty-six minutes left. And that was if Mrs. Nelson served the lasagnas on time.

"I think that the Nelson household is your new nemesis," Matt said, pulling you in towards him. "Anything I can do?"

"No," you said, fighting to keep yourself optimistic. For Matt, for Foggy. "Thank you, though."

"We can imagine we're in a version of the Hunger Games. Except instead of bloodthirsty teens, we're surrounded by small talk and cigarette smoke."

"You knew?"

"Smelled it right away." Matt took your arm again as you made your way back to the circle of Nelson brothers. "And figured you were having the time of your life in there."

"Ha."

"If it makes you feel any better, all their stomachs have rumbled in the past half an hour," Matt said softly, nodding his head in the direction of Foggy's brothers. "You're not the only one who's disappointed that lunch is two hours out. And..." He shifted so that his right ear was facing Foggy. "It sounds like Foggy really, really needs to pee right now."

You let out a laugh. "Information I didn't need to have."

Matt only smiled as you both rejoined the circle.

You thought you'd make it until lunch. It was only two hours, you kept telling yourself, it wasn't long. Not much longer in the sun. Not much longer you'd have to stand there while Ben lit another cigarette nearby and the wind carried the smoke right into your face. Not much longer that the Nelsons would keep getting drunker and drunker and their laughs more raucous. And, certainly, it wouldn't be much longer that the music was blaring, pumping through your ears to rattle your very bones.

And then everyone grouped together, for one large family conversation, and you found yourself being jostled into the middle of a massive, warm crowd of Nelsons, shoulder-to-shoulder with people you'd never met before. The panic you had kept at bay so far began to swell like a tsunami under the surface of tranquil waters, thudding in your heart and moving up to your face. Too warm. The sun beat down, not a cloud in sight. All of the little kids were next to you now, singing and jumping up and down, and—

One of them sneezed, and with horror you felt droplets of mucus land on your right arm.

"I have to go," you gasped to Matt, slipping backwards out of the crowd and making a beeline for the house. Bathroom. You needed a bathroom.

But the final straw was the bathroom itself. Another speaker sat in the windowsill, projecting music loudly to the backyard, and it smelled like someone took a shit in there, making you gag and turn around—

Straight into Matt.

"Matt," you whispered. "I can't. I can't do this."

"Sweetheart—"

"It's too much. I've tried, but I can't, they're sneezing and laughing and dancing and I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

"Because I'm ruining your day!" You crossed into the hallway and sat on the bottom of the stairs, rubbing your hands over your face and hair, again and again, as though to get the sound off. Only then did you realize with horror that you hadn't yet washed your arm, so you leapt up to run to the sink. Matt followed you, nimbly stepping over the clutter that was strewn on the floor. "If you didn't have me at your side, being a leech, you'd still be out there, laughing with them and sipping a beer. And — and you've got the hearing of a fucking bat, but you're able to tolerate everything, while I just throw a tantrum like a two year old." You were near tears, the truth of your own statement ringing into the kitchen. Because it was ridiculous, wasn't it? Matt's hearing was incomprehensibly better than yours, and so was his sensitivity to the sun and the cigarette smoke, and yet it didn't seem to touch him at all.

He reached out, and you thought he was going to shut off the faucet, but instead he ran his hand under the water, took the soap, and began to rub at your arm slowly, up and down. You stood still, your own hands dripping, and allowed him to remove whatever snot might still be on your skin. Finally he lowered his fingers, and took a clean washcloth from the cupboard under the sink. Starting with the top of your arm he dried off every last bit of water, working his way downward.

"Last night, out in the suit, I came across a frat party," he said, finally drying off your hands and setting the cloth on the edge of the sink. "Over seventy people were there. And there were roofies being handed out, like hors d'oeuvres, so that the guys could take advantage of whoever they wanted. I went in, shut it down. Went into the bedrooms and stopped a couple of them in the act. But the whole time, they had this heavy metal music blasting, and the house was filled with the smell of weed. It was dusty in there, too. Every breath I drew in, I could taste it, and feel the grit of it."

You remained silent and let him do the talking. His voice was low, pleasant; a welcome distraction from the voices and radio outside.

"It set me off," he continued. "And even afterwards, I could still hear it ringing in my ears, and could still feel the layer of dust on my skin. You know what helped me to snap out of it?" He raised his hand and gently cupped your face. "You."

You vaguely remembered Matt crawling into bed with you the previous night, and pulling you in close, but as far as you remembered, you hadn't even said a word. "Me? But how—?"

"You're my anchor." Matt's hand dropped. "You. When everything is too loud, I listen to your steady inhales and exhales. Your heartbeat. When the scents are too much, all I have to do is breathe in your shampoo and detergent. Your skin, your hair, your body... it's the only thing that I want to always be with. You're always my anchor. And I know you're strong enough to do all this on your own, but if you ever need me to be, I'll be your anchor, too. Just say the word, and we can leave this party. We can stay in all weekend and do nothing but order in takeout and watch movies. We can drive twenty hours north and stay in a remote cottage for a week. And if you need a break from me, I'll take off until you're ready. I'll always be your anchor, always, if you want me to be."

You closed your eyes, your heartbeat slowing; it was as though someone had dialed down the music outside. Matt seemed to notice the relaxing of your posture, because he tilted his head against yours, and breathed, "That's my girl."

"Thank you," you whispered, wrapping your arms tentatively around him. "And I never want a break from you. Never you." At your motion, his own arms embraced you tightly, as though he'd been waiting for the indication that you wanted to hug.

"And something else," Matt said, after you pulled apart. Without looking he reached behind him towards the fruit basket and plucked out two bananas. "I'll pay Mrs. Nelson back for these."

You broke out in a smile and took one of the bananas. "Keep guard so no one walks in on us chowing down alone in here like two bizarre monkeys?"

He leaned against the counter next to you as you peeled the banana. "Always."

[alx-magazine]

The sky is cotton candy🍦🍭

I lived by One Republic is playing as Sabrina is biking home for dinner.

It's a late 2012 afternoon, the sun is setting, and mom is about to call for dinner; I oughta get there before she starts to worry.

Peddling and peddling, trying to see how fast I can go down the neighborhood hill; I know, I know, there is a fair chance I might bust my face.

Busting through that door, wafting the aroma of sauteed onions and garlic from dinner, "Mom, I'm home !", I say as I'm going to my mom for a side hug, "It all looks lovely !"

"Well I appreciate it sweetie, come on, we're about to pray."

As a family we fold our arms, I volunteer to say the prayer today, "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day-."

Dinner was splendid as usual, rice, feijoada, banana, farofa, barbecue ribs, and a salad on the side.

I ate my plate, and immediately went for another serving. Before running upstairs to go to my room, "Don't forget to do your homework !", my mom exclaims behind me.

I don't do my homework; for the life of me, I can't get myself to, I just want to watch YouTube videos and it's almost bedtime.

Scars to your beautiful by Alessia Cara starts playing as I'm in room picking out what to wear for school tomorrow.

Flipping through my closet, I am looking for what I should wear tomorrow; it's going to be Friday, one of my favorite days ! That means I must put together my best outfit of the week. I decided to go with my black, l love Yoshi shirt, my regular skinny jeans, and some white vans. I straighten my hair a bit more so it doesn't look puffy, I know I won't wake up before school to do it. I wear this outfit quite religiously I'll admit, I feel like I radiate in pretty girl energy when I do so.

My hair is a tangled up, curly mess, I feel like I look so much prettier with it straightened; It's a lot to keep up with but as mom says, "beauty hurts."

Now before bed, I must lastly wash my face so I don't break out, and I'm all good to go !

Lights by Ellie Goulding starts playing as the moon is up, goes down, and the sun comes back up.

It's 7th period science class, the day is almost over and I can't wait for the weekend. Walking down the halls, I see all the various social pools. Popular girls holding hands with delinquent, adolescent boys, then there are my friends and I, nerdy art kids with questionable style, being our loud, annoying selves; the highlight of my school day.

Now I'm on the school bus about to head home, and I know that the moment I drop my backpack off, I'll ask my mom if I can go play outside.

My mom gave me permission and with pure excitement, I hop on my teal Schwinn bicycle with brown leather accents and speed away to my friend April's house.

Castle on the hill by Ed Sheeran starts playing as I am approaching her house.

April is my best friend; we grew up together at church since primary, she's a year younger, we always play outside in her front yard. We loved to draw on the driveway with chalk, pretend we're a part of high school musical, jumping rope, hula hoops, and dancing around.

In the summers past, we'd barely get to play outside together, but some nights we'd have late night talks about silly, sappy things on the swings.

Sometimes her parents don't let her play outside, and I'd throw little pebbles at her window, hoping she'd open it and chat for a little without her parents seeing.

She's so my best friend even if she doesn't go to school with me; but hey, every summer we could always spend girls camp together, much like last summer. This year is going to be my third year and her second year at camp; I'm so looking forward to it !

I just approached her house and it looks like she can't play today, and I feel a bit bummed; sometimes it feels like we can barely hang out outside of church.

Little talks by of monsters and men starts playing as I'm throwing little pebbles at her window.

She opens up her window, looking a bit saddened, I wonder why so.

"Hey ! You okay ?"

She nods her head no and I say "come on out, wanna talk about it ?"

She gives me sorrowful eyes, saying, "I can't.."

"Well hey, we can just talk here then."

That's when she breaks the news to me, "I'm moving this summer, I don't think we'll be going to camp together, but you have my parents number if you ever want to talk, I'll make sure they send your parents our new address, maybe we can send each other letters.."

God this sucks. She's my best friend, I wanted so badly to go to girls camp with her this summer. Summer is so ruined.

I tell her, "Whyyyy ? You're my best friendddd ! Do you know where you're going ?"

She tells me, "I'm not too sure but it might be out of the city or state; you send me letters okay ?

In that moment we locked eyes, you can see that we were about to burst into tears. She starts tearing up some and I give her a hug through the window. Until sunset, we just chat like usual, laughing, and for a moment forgetting about the summer bummer.

Soon after, I hop on my bicycle and bike my way home before dinner starts.

Wake me up by Avicii is playing as I'm speeding down the neighborhood hill on my way to supper.

I felt really bummed all night and all weekend. I feel like there's a massive hole in my heart, and sinking feeling in my stomach, I barely wanted to eat dinner that night.

The weekend has passed and another school week has commenced; you can tell I was a walking bummer with my dreadful demeanor. Dreading class, dreading summer, dreading life...without my best friend.

I still went over to play after school as much as I could until the school year ended. Our parents planned an outing for us before the move in hopes of that cheering us up. Hey, at least I look forward to that.

Shower by Becky G is playing as I'm getting ready, singing in the shower with excitement.

I am wearing my soft blue Old Navy tee with skinny jeans and my white vans, my other best outfit.

We are going to hang out at Menchies to get frozen yogurt.

I see her coming in through that door with her parents, she looks beautiful. I swallow my thoughts, I mustn't look at her that way; she is a white rose , and I, troublesome with my rebellious ways.

Giving her a light hug as she walks in, I welcome her with glee. Our parents leave us be to be young teens, as they go walk around the strip mall, talking amongst themselves.

Us girls, we're just chatting away about our usual discourse, silly shows, silly thoughts, jokes, and feelings. The cotton candy sunset looks so pretty, and our frozen yogurt too sweet, not the best for our teeth, with vibrant flavors and candy toppings.

The table underneath, I felt her hand touch mine for a second, brief, and I felt all air lost; it was a foreign feeling to me. I wonder if she felt something too, I doubt it though , girls are only meant to be friends, nothing more of course.

Girls like girls by Hayley Kiyoko starts playing as I am stunned by these brand new thoughts and feelings.

Underneath the table, I feel her fingers caress mine for a bit. I am shocked, completely. I must be overthinking it all.

Underneath the table once more, her fingers lock mine and stay.

And I feel, I feel something I can't put into words; my breath is lost, yet my pacing heart feels still, when she locks her hand in mine, and her hand stays.

I look at her, still for some reason trying to pretend we're just being friendly, and I ask her, "you think you won't have to write to me for too long ?"...."we'll hang out again, won't we ?"

"For sure, I mean, I'd hope to as soon as possible", she says with her eyes looking at her lap; you can tell, she's deeply saddened by this move, just as I am.

"Sabrina ?" , she says to me, "do you wanna have chat in the girl's room ?"

"-uh, sure !", I say, a bit confuzzled by that random request.

Standing by the soft pink stalls, she grabs my hand, you know I'm feeling it all rush down my body like rain on a car window.

I look at her and feel a bit tense, not knowing what's coming next.

"D-don't hate me okay ?", she says awkwardly before kissing me out of the blue; quite courageous of her.

I looked stunned, with my jaw slightly dropped, and my eyes widened, "A-April...", and before making her feel embarrassed, I grabbed her other hand and kissed her back, I wanted her to know that kissing me was okay. You can see in her face that she felt relieved, "I just wanted to make sure I had the chance to do this before I go.", she told me, trying to downplay as we both did, about how we felt.

I kissed a girl by Katy Perry is playing as we both just had our first kiss ever.

"We ought to get back out there before our parents start to worry.", I tell her as I am nervous about getting caught.

She agrees, we both know that this has to be kept between us; She's already moving far away, I don't want her to also be kept away.

Awkwardly walking out the restroom, we sat back down in hopes that our parents didn't see. I know they should be coming back anytime soon. You can tell just how badly we wanted to hold hands again, maybe even lean on each other's shoulders, and as much as I wanted to... I couldn't risk that.

And as much as we wanted to, I'm glad we didn't.

The store door bell jingles as we see both of our parents walk in not too soon after everything. We both try our best to act like we didn't just kiss each other a few minutes ago.

My mom says, "You girls had fun ?, come on, we have to go soon."

Ughhhh, I'm so not looking forward to being away from her. This has got to be the saddest way to start summer.

Summertime sadness starts by Lana del Rey playing as I am looking out the car window on the way home.

It's officially her last day here, I am outside her driveway, watching all the boxes load up into the truck, she's moving some hours away. "I'm glad we got to chat once more, I'll miss you April, don't forget about me okay ?"

With utmost sorrow, we hug for quite a long time, yet not too long, for we don't want to raise suspicion.

Summer passes, and so does a few years. Years of anguish, rebellion, and unrest within my home. I grew into myself, the shades of the girl I once was, the girl I tried so hard to be, had forfeitted over time.

We wrote to each other for sometime, eventually we started texting; although between my constant grounding and her not being allowed to be on social media, contact had faded, and my curiosity had grew.

Did she forget about me eventually ? Did our friendship just fizzle out from the distance ? Did she just outgrow me over time, had forgotten about that moment we shared at Menchies and grew into a person I no longer recognize ?

Glad you came by The wanted started playing as I am in my cap and gown, taking pictures outside after graduation.

I am taking pictures with family outside, and my high school friends soon after. All day I kept hearing something about this so-called "surprise". I know I am having a graduation party after this but I sure wondered what everyone had been talking about.

And to my surprise, "Sabrina !", I hear a familiar voice. As I am looking around I hear once more, "Sabrina, over here !", and oh my did she blossom.

I see her, I see her, it's her !, "April !", I yell out as we both run towards each other for a long awaited hug.

We both sobbed our eyes out, and to our embarrassment, our families are laughing, smiling as they are taking pictures of us.

"-N-no way !", I am on the floor sobbing, and the sky is cotton candy, just like that day we spent at Menchies.

"Come on, we have a graduation party to attend !", she says with excitement.

She IS the surprise.

Uma Thurman by Fall out boy is playing as we are both throwing down moves at my graduation party.

And underneath the starlit skies, somewhere outside, where only we knew, we kissed, and kissed, like our lips longed for this moment, to coexist.

As we grew older, eventually to branch out and away from our shame, many more late afternoons were spent, and as it was then, it is to this day; The sky is cotton candy 🍦🍭.

Forever stuck in our youth by Set it off is playing as the screen fades to only, soft pink, cotton candy skies.

*for Spotify premium users // you can queue the songs (bolded text) in order to follow along with the soundtrack*

[super-who-locked-me-in-here]

@scifibabesblog I need you to know that I was raised religiously, but more importantly I was raised as a southern baptist christian, and one of the things I remember the most from my religious upbringing is that one Sunday every year when the two main football teams in our state played against each other, everyone at the church collectively agreed football was more important than god and we'd all bring our trucks and camping chairs and we'd set up in the parking lot of the church's recreational center and have a barbecue and watch the big game instead of having a sermon and one time I watched the church's music minister and one of the high school sunday school teachers have to be physically separated because they almost got into a fistfight

You know, Hannibal spent so much time comparing Will (and himself) to God ("killing must feel good to God, and aren't we made in his image?") and it just makes me think about the courtroom scene when Hannibal is on the stand and they make him swear on the bible and Hannibal says at the end of the oath "So help me God" while making eye contact with Will because Will is his God.

Will is the one he worships and wishes to have his soul bound with in the afterlife. He is the Reckoning and the Rapture. The second coming of Christ was upon them and Will was not going to be a savior, but a tyrant. And Hannibal knew it.

Hannibal was and is his apostle, spreading the news of his return. He is his friend, Peter, who saw him walk on water and was not afraid. He is also Judas, who kissed him as betrayal, who ultimately came back to him, Judas on his knees and ending his life in utter devotion. Peter and Judas, who believed in the lamb of God and all the powers he held.

And oh, was the wrath of the lamb upon them.

[celestialpotat0]

Oct-Nov up until thanksgiving will be a time to focus on appreciating the good in the mundane, as I am not taking any pto throughout this time. in a span of 8 weeks, there are only 3 instances during this time when i have two consecutive days off.

had received two handmade necklaces from patient's family, before he had transitioned to hospice. back when there was still the hope and the fight. i wont go into details, but eventually cancer hadn't responded fully to chemo and wouldn't have been able to tolerate the required chemo and wasn't a candidate for another stem cell transplant, plan shifted to focus on comfort care. after that, i trained myself/mentally prepared for when my patient would pass away. the only way to get through this job is to desensitize oneself. can't let it affect you, can't think about it too deeply, have to push away thoughts and emotions. otherwise, if i really allow myself to feel the pain of every single person's death, i would be in deep grief and depression.

but i clasp tightly onto the necklaces, determined to remind myself to appreciate my chance to live. life is extremely unfair. and i happen to be so lucky. there is grief when i look at and hold the necklaces, but there is also beauty in their gift. that a family who experienced so much sadness would still take the time to brighten the lives of others, and their gift improves me and my life.

in washington, while my friends were indoors, i stayed outside and danced with my friend's aunts, uncles, cousins, parents. they were dancing to latin bangers and that's where i wanted to be. it's true the best things in life are free. i loved connecting to others via music and movement. the sheer joy of simply moving to latin music was an opportunity to embrace connecting to strangers. indoors, they were connecting via conversation, which is totally valid as well. but at that particular time, i preferred dance and music as my means to find our common humanity.

it brought back memories of my 20s in LA when a number of my Mexican friends would have parties. we'd stand in circles in their backyards and blast music and we'd just dance the entire time, and there was always Latin music (interspersed with hip hop and 80s). those were some of my best memories of my 20s because we all loved to dance and sing along and live in the music. then there i was in 2023 dancing to some of the same songs except this time in a different state with strangers who were mostly Ecuadorean (among other Latin American countries of origin) instead of my Mexican friends from LA. yet no matter where we are from, the shared joy from dancing can bring us together. also, specifically in your friend's backyard, everyone there is someone you can trust and feel safe with, not necessarily true in a club.

saw a garter snake on a hike. they're very common and i've seen them before, but i always treasure seeing wildlife that i dont get to see everyday. guided tour in the Museum of Flight was another memorable point.

Angel Island was amazing and it was moving to be in the same place where the Chinese Exclusion Act was enforced and played a major role in the Asian experience there. i was inspired by the Chinese immigrants who endured so much there and the myriad of emotions they must've felt arriving there. the racism they had to face. segregation, interrogation, deplorable conditions. ill have to write another time about when i witnessed racism affecting my dad.

learned to play bocce for the first time on saturday night, my friend has a bocce court where he lives. hooray for learning new fun games.

little moments of summer that i appreciated: sipping on gin and tonic assembled at home by the pool with no plans for a few hours in the early evening. feeling myself getting stronger in regards to workouts. barbecues, craft cocktail fairs, dinners, walks with good company. the peace and quiet of having respectful neighbors and being able to sleep for 10+ hours a day on some days.

[andyourhostkristenwiig]

It's such a bummer today. I used to love father's day.

When I was little, we'd spend it with the entire family at my grandparents. We'd barbecue, we'd play games, take a little bike tour to their place. My cousins would all be there and it was fun. There was football and jump rope and badminton. My grandpa taught me how to barbecue, my grandma showed me around her garden. It was one big day of fun.

Then when my grandparents passed away, we'd still do this in their honor for a couple of years but it didn't last from 10am till the sun set anymore but it was more of a big lunch and then everyone slowly disappeared.

But then my cousins started their own traditions with their kids, my dad didn't like family gatherings anymore. So I'd spend it with a few friends, barbecue and drinking and good music.

Now they've either moved away or had kids on their own and they're also starting their own traditions.

My dad hates being around family, my dad hates barbecues, he hates being outside and he's nothing but grumpy. So I'm spending this beautiful sunny day at home eating instant food and watching television because I'm not part of any of these traditions anymore. And that just really sucks. I have this great sunny 4 day weekend but nothing and no one to spend it with.

I originally thought I'd just take a bike tour through our villages and get out a bit. But with my banged up knee that's not gonna happen now, I can barely manage the stairs right now.

[livejournallegacy]

Transcript under the cut :)

What do you get when you put 50-plus bands, dozens of extreme athletes, thousands of amped-up kids, and a seemingly unlimited supply of veggie burgers together in a large open field? You get Punk Rock Summer Camp, better known as the Vans Warped Tour

It's been 10 years since Warped Tour founder Kevin Lyman came up with the bright idea of creating a traveling summer road show that combined the best of punk rock and extreme sports. But while the festival has become more mainstream (and more deluged with youth-oriented advertising) with each passing year, Warped Tour still gives kids the biggest possible bang for their punk-rock buck, and Lyman still treats his bands in an egalitarian fashion, regardless of their record sales: The order of performance changes each day, everybody plays 30-minute sets, and all egos get left at home.

This year, Warped begins its two-month trek in Houston, Texas. The humidity may be close to unbearable, but when the sun goes down and the catering crew fires up the grill for the first of many post-show barbecues, you can bet that every last musician is completely stoked to be there. In honor of the tour's 10th anniversary, we rounded up 10 of our favorite frontmen from this year's lineup-Taking Back Sunday's Adam Lazzara, M. Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold, Coheed and Cambria's Claudio Sanchez, Jordan Pundik from New Found Glory, Story of the Year's Dan Marsala, Geoff Rickly from Thursday, Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio, Good Charlotte's Joel Madden, and Toby Morse and Freddy Cricion from Hazen Street and picked their collective brains about all things Warped. Throw a veggie burger on the grill, pop a cold one, and listen in.

What does Warped Tour mean to you?

DAN MARSALA It means a lot of punk bands that are good. It means a hot, long day that you're going to be sunburned at the end of – but I love it. I mean, you don't get paid the most money, but bands want to do Warped Tour just because of what it is. MATT SKIBA It's like traveling with the circus the whole summer. There are always motorbikes and tons of toys that people bring with them, so we're always just fucking around with toys and watching bands. ADAM LAZZARA I grew up in the southeast region of the United States, and there weren't many shows that came through there – or, if there were, you'd have to drive hours to see them. But with Warped Tour, you could go and see all the bands at once, rather than driving two hours this week to see one band and driving three hours next week to see another. You'd just wait until you could go to Warped Tour and catch everybody. I think what Kevin Lyman did, just as far as making this music more accessible to people, is incredible. M. SHADOWS Warped Tour used to be something that me and my friends looked forward to every year when it came around the Southern California area: All our favorite bands playing the same day. We'd just all get hammered in the parking lot and go have a shitload of fun watching bands. Now it's sort of the same thing, except we get to play the tour every day. JOEL MADDEN It's so important in so many different ways. It's not a tour where you're separated from the fans – you get an opportunity to talk to your fans all day long. It's a great way to spend your summer, because you get to know your fans, and with 40 or 50 bands on the tour, you'll become friends with all kinds of different people. You know how when you're a kid, summer is all about fucking around with your friends and looking for shit to do? That's what Warped Tour is. TOBY MORSE The reality is, Warped Tour is one of the best summer tours. You actually don't want to be on any other tour in the summer, because your tour will get crushed!

What's your favorite Warped Tour memory?

GEOFF RICKLY Probably the best playing experience I had on Warped Tour was in 2002 in Seattle at the Gorge. It's incredibly beautiful, on this huge set of cliffs. We ended up playing at dusk, right as the sun went down behind us. I turned around right before we started, and I saw that all our friends from the tour were there onstage to watch us that night. And it just so happened that we played great. We could have just had an average night that was really fun because our friends were there, but there was something electric going on that was totally outside of the control of any of the individual band members. It was one of those shows that I'll never forget in my whole life. MARSALA We played one show last year where our guitar player couldn't find the stage. He went to take a dump or something, and he couldn't find his way back. We had to go on. so we played most of the first song without him. He finally made it up, and it was perfect timing-right when the song broke down to just him playing, he picked up the guitar! SHADOWS My best memory would have to be the final day of Warped for us last year. Everyone was smashed out of their minds, and we were hanging with From Autumn to Ashes and Tsunami Bomb after the show. Tons of funny shit happened, and it all ended with some girls having a wet T-shirt contest in the bus lights out in the parking lot.  JORDAN PUNDIK When we did Warped Tour two years ago, I was sleeping on Autopilot Off's bus for a couple of nights, just to get a change of pace. And we got really into watching these Pantera DVDs, and we were like, "Wouldn't it be funny if we dressed up like the guys from Pantera?" So we did – we were wearing, like, cutoff denim shorts and white high-tops, fake mustaches and aviator glasses, and Dallas Cowboys oversize jerseys. We were just harassing the bands at one of the barbecues, and no one knew who we were. MORSE Watching Rancid every night in 2000 was awesome. And getting shiatsu massage! I should give the masseuse a shout-out-her name is Tess, and she's on the Warped Tour every year. She's amazing – she takes care of everybody. CLAUDIO SANCHEZ I had a great time the two weeks I was on it last year. Unfortunately, I don't really remember much of it!

What are your survival tips for getting through two months of Warped Tour?

LAZZARA Our sound guy Mike told me that there are two things I can't forget to bring: baby wipes and Gold Bond Powder. SKIBA We're all relatively clean people, so we always bring solar showers – they're like camp- ing showers. You fill up these big plastic bags with water and throw 'em over your trailer, and the sun heats 'em up all day, so then, when you get done playing, you have a hot shower. It's kind of hard to finagle the thing and get all your cracks and stuff, but at least you feel a little bit refreshed. I'm sure there are a lot of bands who don't give a shit about taking showers, but I'm just not that punk, I guess. MORSE Lots of water and Gatorade, because you're outside all the time. And definitely bring a tent, so you have a place to hang out other than your bus. And don't bring any white sneakers, because they'll get destroyed. MADDEN Load up with socks and underwear, but don't bring any T-shirts-you can get a million of them on tour from all your friends" bands. There's merch all over the place, so don't waste luggage space.

What things will you be bringing along to pass the time when you're not onstage?

PUNDIK An iPod; a cellphone, so I can call my chick; and my Tempur-Pedic pillow. I love that thing! My fiancée always tries to not let me take it – she steals it every time I forget it. SKIBA Our BMX bikes and skateboards. SANCHEZ Some video games, my laptop, and CDs. I'll either be outside watching bands or hanging around, or in the bus playing Transformers on the PlayStation. SHADOWS Me and [our guitarist] Synyster [Gates] are bringing our new mini Harleys and, of course, we're bringing the weight sets. LAZZARA We play kickball all the time. This year, we're going to try to get as many bands in on it as we can. There are so many bands on the tour, we thought it'd be a cool way to bring 'em in, instead of just going "Hey!" and never really talking to them. MADDEN We're bringing our friend who's a tattoo guy with us, and we're having him tattoo us while we're out there. Maybe tattoo some of the other bands as well.

Which bands are you most psyched about seeing?

MADDEN Thursday, Avenged Sevenfold, Hazen Street. SHADOWS I'm not sure exactly who's playing this year, but the obvious ones are Bad Religion, NOFX, and the Vandals. As for bands I haven't seen yet, I'd like to see Good Charlotte. And Billy Talent – I just got their CD the other day, and I'm enjoying the vocals a lot. SANCHEZ I'm psyched to see Non Phixio and Atmosphere. But I'm more psyched to hang out. If there are any acts that I'm going to catch a lot, it'll probably be those two. Otherwise, I've got two months to everybody else. RICKLY I'm really psyched to see My Chemical Romance. They were kind of babies when my label, Eyeball, did their first record. I just heard their new one, and they do some sick shit on there, some really incredible stuff. There are songs on there I think are way better than any Thursday songs. MARSALA I'm a huge NOFX and Bad Religion fan. Letter Kills and Sugarcult are friends of ours, so I'm looking forward to seeing them. Hazen Street – those guys are awesome, I'm looking forward to hanging out with them again. PUNDIK For me, Warped Tour is definitely more about hanging out, by far. Everybody hangs out, and there are barbecues every night. I've heard that at Ozzfest, no one hangs out. So I think it's really cool that with Warped, no matter how big you are, everybody's on the same level.

Will you be playing any pranks on other bands? Do you have any old scores to settle with certain tour mates?

FREDDY CRICIEN Nothin' planned, but I'm sure we'll come up with something. And no old scores to settle, at least that we know of. But you never know! SHADOWS No old scores to settle, but you who we might fuck with, then it might not be such a big surprise, so we'll just wait and see. SKIBA No, it's too hot for that shit! I've never been much of a prankster, anyway. I learnt at an early age that when I try to play jokes on people, it always turns out really bad – someone either gets hurt physically, or their feelings get hurt, or I ruin a friendship. LAZZARA Man, a magician can't give away his secrets! But I think Yellowcard's gonna get it – they're gonna have to watch out. Warped seems to offer a wider variety of bands every year. Does the tour still deserve its reputation as a punk festival, even though a lot of the acts aren't strictly punk rock? SKIBA Yeah Bad Religion are on it every other year or so, and in my opinion, Bad Religion are one of the best punk bands ever. It still brings out the best names in quote-unquote "punk rock," and it's great. RICKLY I think the ethic of the thing is still pretty damn punk rock – it's probably more punk than most punk bands still are. Before we were ever on it, I kind of had negative feelings about it, just like, oh, this sort of cheesy, all punk bands whatever. And then, once I saw how it operated and how cool everybody was that ran everything I really changed my mind. We actually had the Bronx opening for us for a while on tour and they were talking about how Warped was kind of not their scene And I was like, "Seriously, guys – you wouldn't believe how fucking punk it is." CRICIEN Like every genre, the music has become a little more diverse – when you say "punk,” there are a lot of different styles you can choose under that name. I mean, Hazen Street are not exactly a punk band, but we've got punk and hardcore roots, and I think a lot of the bands that are playing Warped have some of that element in their music. MORSE It's hard to say what punk rock is anymore, because that term has gotten stretched in every different direction. To me, Johnny Cash is punk, but a kid today might be like, Aw, that's redneck stuff. It's a lifestyle, not just the way you look – you can go to Hot Topic, spend a hundred bucks, and come out and be a punk But the attitude of Warped is definitely punk. Everybody's equal, there are no rock-star egos involved, Nobody's flying in on a helicopter and complaining about the catering!

Concert promoter Kevin Lyman launched the Warped Tour in 1995 as a celebration of loud music and the culture surrounding extreme sports. Since then, the traveling festival has turned into an annual pilgrimage and party not only for the fans but also for dozens of bands, most of whom have come to see it as a kind of punk-rock summer camp. Lyman explains why such acts as NOFX, Deftones, Pennywise, New Found Glory, and others have made multiple visits to Warped and look forward to more.

When you started the festival, did you think it would become so high-profile? KEVIN LYMAN No way. In the beginning, someone tried to put an eight-year contract deal together for me, and I was like, Why waste our time? We'll never be around then.  What's the secret of your success? We've never strayed from what we set out to do, which is to provide good value, new bands, and some of the old bands people love. And we have a great time doing it.  Warped has a reputation for being the most unsanitary tour around. It's not like that anymore, but we used to play a lot of places that didn't have showers, so we'd have to go swimming in lakes and irrigation canals. I was having stomach trouble recently, and a doctor told me "You're carrying small traces of every water-borne illness known to man."  What's the best practical joke you've witnessed? Fletcher [Dragge of Pennywise] was shooting Fat Mike from NOFX with a BB gun while he was onstage. So when Pennywise was playing, NOFX put habanero pepper sauce on the lips of all of Fletcher's Zimas. The first time he picked one up to get a drink, his face just about exploded, so he reached for another one and burned his mouth off again. What's the strangest onstage accident that's occurred? In 1998, the guitarist from Save Ferris [Brian Mashburn] had an accident. He pooped his pants, because he didn't have time go to the bathroom before the band went on. Do you see yourself as a guru or shaman of punk rock? I'm more like a teacher. I like showing young bands how to tour professionally and give their best presentation. If the first Warped Tour hadn't worked, I probably would have gone into teaching. 

JON WIEDERHORN

For Geoff Rickly and his Thursday bandmates, this summer's Vans Warped Tour will mark the end of their long and arduous slog supporting 2003's acclaimed War All the Time. In this exclusive Revolver interview, Rickly – who's been dealing with some serious health problems, including stomach ulcers – reveals his concerns about the band's future.

So, what are your concerns regarding the band's future? GEOFF RICKLY This year has been so stressful for each of us, and we've sort of contemplated the end of the band. We want to do this – we love this band – but if we hung onto it past the time it was over, it would be a disappointment for everybody. If people were seeing us playing badly, or if we put out a record that was kind of half-assed and weird, people wouldn't understand that there was a time when there was something really special about Thursday. When we spoke at the end of 2003, you guys seemed to feel you were no longer connecting with one another onstage. Is that still a problem? No. Right now, we've been totally killing it. We just did a European tour, playing to 500 people a night in small places, sometimes even without stages, and it was just amazing. But I'm not a great singer to anyone's standards, and when we're doing things like the Late Night With Conan O'Brien show and I'm not singing in key... Having a bad night on national television is a lot harder for some people to take, especially now that we're in a world where bigger music publications and bigger record companies are noticing us and talking about us. To me, that stuff is kind of a moot point, but I guess it's something we should look at, and decide whether or not it's important. This year I think we're finally able to talk about stuff – about the life of the band and what we see the band doing. Will you start working on a new record after Warped is over? After Warped Tour, we're taking a lot of time off. I'm not saying this is the end of the band, or this is our last tour, or anything like that. But we're going to go home and take some time away from each other. We're all going to write on our own and then get together. To me, War All the Time was a really small step forward. I think, lyrically I was able to get more subtle, and the guys tightened up as players, but the album wasn't a huge step forward. And if this next record is not a huge step forward, then we'll probably stop being a band. How does your health factor into all of this? I've been incredibly sick The Coachella [Valley Music and Arts] Festival was the worst of it – I collapsed onstage, and I was spitting blood while I was trying to sing. I had a ton of stomach ulcers, but the doctors were thinking it was stomach cancer, which was scary as shit. I spent the week after Coachella in the hospital before we went off to Europe. Luckily, the treatments they had me undergo have my stomach completely cured as of right now. But it was terrifying and weird. I was thinking about mortality, both mine and the band’s. Are the other guys in the band on the same page as you? To be honest, I think this is the first time that anybody is vocalizing it. But we've all gotten to the point where we know that something is great about this band but that there are things that we have to deal with. They may not be verbalizing it, but I think everybody's much where I am. But that being said, I think that this is one of the first times where we feel that, wow, this next one's gonna be special! If it ever comes, it's gonna be really special, and if it doesn't, I’m okay with that too.

DAN EPSTEIN

Revolver Magazine, Issue #28 (September 2004)

Due to popular demand...

The article from that Warped Tour 2004 issue of Revolver Magazine.

[hellas-himself]

Crack Ship Holidays

Friendsgiving pt. 5 

The day after Thanksgiving is when our Christmas begins. We put up decorations and the tree and then our holiday season ends in the middle of January. I had meant to post this sooner but it’s been hectic lol but y'all already know the deal. 

.

.

“I’m so glad you could come with me,” Aelin says and loops her arm around mine. “Elide didn’t believe me when I said the lines wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Mor told me the same thing.”

“And where is she?”

“Hung over. She’ll be doing all her shopping from the comfort of her bed.”

“So smart… But I have no patience for online shipping.”

We put the bags in the trunk of her car.

“You still haven’t gotten anything for Cassian,” she says as we get in the car.

“You haven’t gotten anything for Rowan.”

“Touché, Archeron.”

I roll my eyes and laugh.

“What did you get him last year?”

I hate that I blush but Aelin is busy backing out to notice.

“I wasn’t working last Christmas… But I painted a few pieces for everyone. What did you get Rowan?”

“Two things- One present to open in front of family, and another for when we were alone.”

When I look at her, she’s grinning and wriggling her eye brows.

“Christmas is also when Cas and I started getting… closer. We didn’t actually do anything until New Year’s but that’s beside the point.”

“What do you give a man who has everything?” she muses.

“I-”

My phone vibrates and I pull it out of my pocket. Adela Rodriguez tagged you and Cassian Rodriguez in a post.

“What is it?”

“Cassian’s mom… she posted something on Facebook- and tagged me in it.”

“Well, what is it?”

I tap the notification and watch the screen change from my home screen to a picture of Cassian and I with her. Cassian is standing behind us, trapping us in a bear hug. Adela and I are laughing.

“It’s us… She wrote me something… Mi yerna querida, gracias por amar a mi hijo como el se merece.”

“And she speaks Spanish, too,” Aelin deadpans before giving me a smile.  

I laugh. “Says the musician… But yes. I practically lived in their house, so I learned…”

“What does that mean, though?”

“My beloved daughter in law, thank you for loving my son the way he deserves.”

“Oh, my god. That’s so sweet! How did dinner go with them?”

“It was amazing. I can’t wait to get the Christmas card in the mail. I’m in it this year.”

“That’s adorable.”

“What about you?”

“It was really nice… Aedion and Lys came over with Evangeline. Manon and Dorian stopped by with Elide and Lorcan. Fenris and Connall always spend the holidays with us, they brought the dessert this year.

“Rowan’s parents passed away when he was really young, as did my mine… Rowan isn’t close to his family- Only his cousin Endymion. My uncle Gavriel and cousin Aedion are the only family I have left, well by blood. There are uncles and all that, but they weren’t in my life until I was already an adult.”

Aelin spoke so frankly…

“I’m sorry, Aelin.”

“I- Thank you, Feyre… Holidays aren’t the easiest but in the end, we choose our family and I’m really lucky to have been able to find them.”

“In that I completely understand.”

Aelin pulls into the parking lot of the pet store.

“Where are your parents?” she asks me and I shove my hands in my pockets, the action making me think of Rhys. Of countless times I snuck out of my house to knock on their door.  

“Suburbs… But I don’t speak to them. Neither does Elain- Our older sister, Nesta, she still talks to our mother.”

“I haven’t met Nesta yet.”

I sigh. “You probably won’t.”

Aelin raises a brow as we step into the store.

“Nesta and Cassian dated when he started college. She treated him like shit and she has the nerve to be upset that I’m with him now.”

Aelin whistles.

“Well. My friend Yrene is married to my first boyfriend, Chaol. They’re having a baby. My best friend Dorian was my… something at one point and he’s with Manon, another friend of mine.”

“Cassian and Rhys aren’t brothers by blood… But I kind of dated Rhys, too.”

“You know… that doesn’t surprise me.”

“No?”

“You remind me of Dorian and I. Because of your history, your connection to one another is deeper than anyone else- and it’s obvious.”

“It was fake at first,” I say and Aelin gapes at me. I roll my eyes and walk right to the dog aisles. “His girlfriend dumped him for some college guy so I kissed him in the parking lot to piss her off and then… That was that.”

Aelin cackles and throws an arm around me.

“That is the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

“And Lucien… Well, people used to think we three were a thing.”

“Were you?”

“No… Not physically anyway.”

“Ah. Gotcha.”

I grab an elf’s hat and an antler head band.

“Let’s see what Cas thinks.”

“I like this, too,” Aelin adds, taking what looks like an ugly knitted sweater. It’s adorable.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and send Cassian a text. Elf or Reindeer? Though there’s ugly sweaters I like.

Dressing up for me, bunny?

I roll my eyes. No, dumb ass. Valo’s Christmas picture.

Cassian sends eye roll and thumbs down emojis before giving me a real answer.

Reindeer… But ugly sweater. Get both?

Alright, my love. Thank you. See you soon.

*

Elain is standing outside of my house, leaning against her SUV.

“I was just about to call you,” she says as Aelin and I get out of her car.

“Cas is probably in the shower or something,” I say as I fish for the keys in my pocket.

“No. He left with Az.”

“What?”

“Did you forget what day it is?” Elain is smirking. She hugs Aelin and I before helping bring my bags inside. I don’t hear Val.

“Oh fuck,” I say, which makes Aelin laugh.

“What’s today?”

“Their fucking football game. I completely forgot!”

“And you have to be there,” Elain says. “It’s tradition.”

“Is this where all the boyfriends and girlfriends cheer their men on?” Aelin teases.

I look at Elain who’s smile goes wicked.

“El.”

“Yes, Feyre. Even Lucien is doing it, and he’s playing, too.”

“Okay, I want to know what ‘it’ is,” Aelin says and crosses her arms.

“Let’s hide these in my art room,” I mutter and they follow after me. “Elain, Lucien and Adela have matching jerseys with their respective partner’s name- which is fucking adorable. But then there’s the fucking face paint and the pom poms-”

“Oh, my fucking god. Rowan has a game today- Please tell me Rowan is playing against Cassian.”

“He is, actually,” Elain says.

“I wear my high school cheer outfit every year,” Aelin happily adds. “Sometimes, I prefer it when Rowan’s team loses. The sex is amazing when he’s cranky.”

Elain laughs.

“Same with Az.”

“Wait, I don’t have one. A jersey, I mean.”

“That, baby sister, is where you are wrong.” Elain reaches into her enormous bag and hands me a folded jersey. “Had it made after you told me you were official.”

It’s black and white, with red letters. There are the numbers ‘07’ on the front and Cassian’s name on the back. It is so ridiculous and yet…

*

Aelin is waiting for Elain and I in the parking lot of the park. She has her hair in pig tails and she’s wearing a green and white cheer outfit with long sleeves. She even has pom poms.

“Elide is here already,” she says as she slips her phone into the pocket of her skirt and then she looks at me. “Damn, Feyre, I didn’t know you were hiding all that under those clothes.”

I sigh. I kept my hair down and tied the jersey at my waist, right where my long-sleeved white crop top stops. I paired them with waisted red leggings and the black, red and white sneakers I’ve had forever.

“Cassian isn’t going to be able to focus with all that ass.”

Elain snorts.

“And don’t act like I don’t see you, Elain,” Aelin says playfully. My sister blushes.

Aelin introduces me to her friends, all of them so beautiful I’m left dumbstruck. I introduce them to my sister as well as Adela and Elyse who immediately offered them sandwiches and coquito. There is music playing loudly and Iliana is dancing around her father who is absentmindedly spinning her around as he talks strategy with Lucien. Valo is rolling around in the ground with Aelin’s dog, Fleetfoot- a dog she and Dorian adopted together long before she and Rowan became a thing.

Amren is here as well, to my surprise but I see Varian chatting with Fenris and his twin brother, Connall- he made the boys’ team even. I see Cassian standing next to the tallest man I’d ever seen- brutally handsome with long black hair, tied up in a messy bun just like Cassian has his.

And then he sees me.

Aelin slaps my ass and winks before I walk over towards him. I hear her calling for Rowan in a sing song voice behind me.

“Hello, handsome,” I say as Cassian pulls me in for a kiss.

“I was going to ask you what you got me for Christmas,” he whispers into my ear as his hands wander down to grip my ass. “But it looks like Christmas came early.”

“Stop it!” I laugh and he kisses me again.

He seems to remember that his friend is standing there still. He isn’t smiling, but his eyes are alight with amusement.

“Bunny, this is Lorcan. He works with Rowan. Lor, this is my girlfriend, Feyre.”

I give him a wave.

“Hi.”

“So you’re the girl in the picture,” he says and I look at Cassian expectantly. He laughs and rubs the back of his neck.

“What picture?”

“It’s nothing,” he says and punches Lorcan’s arm. “Let me introduce you to the guys.”

Lorcan smirks but when I hear Elide call his name, he smiles. A real smile. Cassian takes my hand and guides me away.

“What was that all about?”

“He’s an ass.”

“Clearly. But really, what picture?”

Cassian sighs. “I’ll show you later.”

I raise a brow and Cassian kisses me.

“Please?”

“Alright, Rodriguez. I won’t forget.”

“I’m counting on it.”

Fenrys is one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever met in my life. Like Rhys, and Dorian. He is just as flirtatious as Aelin and Cassian are but his twin brother is way more reserved and I am not surprised to see Connall navigate towards Azriel. Aelin’s cousin could pass as her twin brother but he also reminds me of Cassian in a way.

“Evangeline is amazing. I love having her in class,” I say to Lysandra and Aedion who are looking at her fondly. Evangeline is blushing. “I can’t wait to see what you come up with for the art show.”

Rhys and Lucien finally show up, with Helion and Aurelie in tow.

“Sorry we’re late,” Rhys says.

“You went black Friday shopping, didn’t you?” Cas asks and Rhys just shrugs.

“He and Mor were gone all morning,” Lucien replies and Rhys looks at him as though he’s been betrayed. “Hungover my ass.”

“Well, I’m here now!”

Lucien rolls his eyes and ties up his hair.

“I will ask one of Rowan’s friends to switch with me so I can kick your ass,” Lucien snaps at Rhys.

“Do it then.”

“Hey, I know you two like to argue as foreplay but this is Feyre’s first game as Cassian’s girlfriend,” Azriel says in a rather saccharine tone. It’s almost condescending. “Let them have their moment.”

I can’t help but laugh as Rhys and Lucien practically pry me away from Cassian to apologize and hug and kiss me profusely. I can hear Adela scolding Azriel but the tone in her voice is jovial.

Vinny calls for them to separate into teams. Lucien does in fact switch places with Fenrys, who is all too happy to be on ‘the team that Feyre is cheering for’.

I take my seat beside my sister and Adela as everyone takes their place on the muddy field. Vinny is acting as goal keeper. I had always cheered the boys on, though Elain and Adela are always the most vocal. Nothing has changed in the way Cassian smiles when our eyes meet, or the way I jump to my feet to cheer him on as he makes a goal. I just can’t believe I’d never noticed it before. I have been to nearly every one of Cassian’s footballs games, even when he was dating Nesta. I’ve seen him lose some, seen him win but it never gets old.

Aelin is betting Elide that Cassian is going to hand Lorcan his ass while Manon shouts at Rowan’s team- she should have been a coach. They don’t get into a fight, but it is obvious they are not used to actually having to worry about the opposing team. It’s amusing, but I know that someone is going to be bruised and aching later.

When the game is over, I am not surprised that Cassian’s team won but I am caught off guard as Cassian makes his way to me and lifts me off my feet. He kisses me, ignoring Elyse’s sounds of disgust. When we stop to breathe, I smooth his hair away from his face.

“Your football games would have been so much more fun if this was how they ended,” I say teasingly. Cassian laughs. “That was a good game, Cas.”

“I am beat,” he says as he sets me down.

“You guys were showing off.”

“Of course,” he says as he throws an arm around my shoulder. “I have to impress my girlfriend.”

I poke his side. “You don’t have to impress me. Win or lose, I am always proud of you.”

Cas looks at me and smiles.

“Hey, Cas!” Lorcan shouts as Elide hands him a small ice pack. “Rematch next weekend?”

“You’re on Salvaterre!”

Elide and I share the same look of exasperation.

*

“So, bunny, I made a stop or two before Az and I went to the park.”

“Did you?”

I follow him into the garage. He turns the light on and there are several bags and a large box…

“You got a Christmas tree?”

I walk right over to it and turn it to see the picture. It’s pre-lit, which is smart and has little red berries in it.

“If you don’t like the ornaments, I’ll go change them for something else.”

I give him a look before I look through the bags.

“Red and gold is perfect, Cas.”

“You sure?”

I nod. “Can we put it up tonight?”

He smiles. “I was hoping to.”

“Perfect.”

“I want to shower first though…”

I wave him off. “I’ll go preheat the oven for cookies and put a movie on.”

*

I pull a pair of stockings out of a bag and laugh.

“Cas, you didn’t!” They are red knit stockings with our monograms on them in white, there is even one for Val. “I love them so much.”

“Where should we hang them up?”

I look around the living room and my eyes fall on the little accent table he has against the wall where he’s setting up the tree. He keeps the remotes and controllers to his game consoles in there among other things. He has a few picture frames on it but nothing more.

“If you’re not opposed to putting holes in the wall… Maybe we can put a little shelf up there? I can put lights and our Yule log up there and then hang the stockings from it.”

Cassian looks at where I point to and gives a nod.

“Yeah… I think that would be nice. Let me get the tree up and then I’ll go see what I have in the garage.”

Once the tree is up and plugged in, Cassian disappears into the garage. I start putting up the ornaments- red and gold traditional ornaments, glittery birds and butterflies, snowflakes and icicles. I hear hammering and then the loud clang of the hammer falling before the drill goes off. Val and I look towards the garage curiously.

Cassian comes back with a shelf and the drill, as well as the leveler ruler.

“Tell me where,” he says and I set the box of ornaments down to mark the right spot on the wall. Val barks as Cassian drills the nails into the wall but stops when Cas looks back at him. Once the shelf is up, I hand Cassian the Yule log to set in the middle, then the candles decorated with holly and pine before he carefully arranges the white Christmas lights around them. He hides the switch behind one of the candles.

Cassian is grinning after I finish putting up the stockings and I find myself blushing.

“What?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know… It’s nice. Getting to do this with you.”

I slide my arm around his waist.

“It is, isn’t it?” I lean into him. “I’ve never done this with anyone.”

“Neither have I.” He presses a kiss to the top of my hair. “Outside of family, anyway.”

I laugh. “How did you even manage to find a shelf so quickly?”

“Oh… Well, it had been meant for the guest room but I never got around to it so it had been sitting in the garage since I got the house.”

“I’m glad I was able to give it purpose.”

“Yeah… you do have a tendency of doing that.”

I poke his side. “Stop it.”

“Seriously… Anyway, let’s go finish the tree. Rudolph is starting soon and I want to be laying down by then.”

“We have that movie on DVD, Cassian.”

“But you know it isn’t the same.”

I sigh and roll my eyes. But I know he’s right.

*

I come back from the kitchen with a plate of cookies and a mug full of milk. Cassian is sitting on the sofa with his sketchbook on his lap while he flips through the channels.

“Here,” I say and hand him the plate before I pull down the little arm rest of the sofa to set the mug in a cupholder. It’s a perfect excuse to take his sketchbook and sit on his lap. I reach for the blanket and drape it over our legs as he slides an arm around me, holding me against him.

“So, I had free time at work the other day and was just… drawing bullshit. Warming up. Az wants to add to his sleeve but he hasn’t decided how. Anyway, I was sketching some shit out and I got this idea.”

Cassian sets the remote aside and opens his sketchbook. I’m mesmerized by all that I see as he flips through it and then he stops.

“It wasn’t supposed to be you, but when I started drawing her face… I couldn’t help it.”

“This is beautiful, Cassian.”

She’s a faerie of some kind, with wings like a bat rather than butterflies and a crown of moons on her head. Her dress isn’t complete, but I can tell it will be a gown of some sort.

“Lorcan saw it when he and Rowan stopped by to go over our plans for today.”

“I hope you finish it.”

“Yeah?” He kisses my cheek.

“I’ll let you tattoo it on me somewhere.”

“Bunny, don’t tease me like that. You know Rhys has been trying to be the one to give you your first tattoo.”

“He can give me my second one.”

“You serious?”

“I mean… why not? I would wait until Christmas break though-”

Cassian kisses me.

“I’ll make you something better than this. I promise,” he kisses me again. “But first, our movie marathon.”

I laugh. “I love you so much, Cassian.”

“I love you too, bunny.”

[chaletnz]

Crossing El Salvador: Cerro Verde to San Miguel

We left Cerro Verde for what would be a two day affair to cross the borders getting us to Nicaragua where our real trip continued. I woke up very early to try and get a lukewarm shower at the campsite rather than the cold ones everyone else had been getting. It was a good way to refresh, and then I packed up ready to load my bag onto the van and have breakfast. Deme and I went back to the cafe but having learned from our mistake, we just ordered the regular cappuccino this time! Others in the group did paintballing while the rest of us took our morning easy. The group returned to the bus ready for our five hour drive to San Miguel sweating and covered in welts and bruises. Georgi had been shot particularly hard as she had accidentally hit Max in his manhood and he'd been given a free redemption shot that turned into him emptying the gun on her. The ride was long and dull and broken up only by some gas station stops for snacks along the way. We'd left around 11am from our campsite and had expected to arrive around 5pm to San Miguel. Traffic was quite heavy as we passed through what seemed like El Salvador's only main road. We stopped for lunch at Comida Mercedes in Cojutepeque which was, in a word - chaotic. Walter had attempted a Spanish lesson during the drive and taught us the names of some fruits and vegetables that we might like/not like and lettuce and cabbage which we should not eat at all until we reach Costa Rica due to pesticides. There was a stop to ride a boat around Laguna de Apastepeque for one dollar each, the music was blaring and we all crammed into the boat. The boaties rocked it from side to side to where I was a little nervous that either the boat would fill up with water, or we'd flip over and fall in the lake. After circling the lake and waving at everyone we came across the boaties helped us all back onto land. We got back into the minibus and after a couple more hours we had arrived at a mall in San Miguel down the road from our hotel. We had about 30 minutes to use the toilets, buy some snacks for the long day tomorrow to cross two borders, and look around the mall. We tried to find souvenir magnets for El Salvador but the only ones for sale were $7 and terrible quality. Instead I went to the supermarket to spend some money on some snacks for tomorrow. The cashier didn't believe the $20 bill I paid with was real so they had to check it out, and then he didn't have enough change either so I was stuck waiting for him to get change. I ended up being the last one back to the bus and felt so guilty taking my seat when everyone else was ready. Our hotel was a few more minutes away and then we could check in and shower at last! Walter made a reservation for us in the hotel restaurant and about half the group showed up. I sat with Tyrza, Wout, and Boukje, the Dutch speaking trio as well as Jess, Emily and Cam from the UK. Boukje and Jess split a grilled fish platter and Wout, Tyrza, and I split a barbecue grill platter. It was huge! It came out with chicken, beef, and sausages, as well as about 4 large potatoes cut up on the grill, a bowl of garlic bread, and 4 dipping sauces/salsas. Split between the 3 of us, we only paid about $9 each and ate until we were stuffed. With a few cocktails tacked on there it was still less than $20 for a relatively nice restaurant dinner and drinks. After dinner we headed back to our rooms for an early night before our 4:30am departure tomorrow morning to get to the border. I saw Emily and Georgi sitting in the lobby in a panic that the receptionist couldn't speak English and they needed a taxi. Georgi had dyed her hair again (after dying it two days earlier while at the campsite...) and it had gone fully orange. They were on a mission to try and find some toner but keep in mind these are the two who didn't even know the words to ask for a bathroom in Spanish, going out alone at night when we needed to be ready to leave at 4:30am! I told them to take a photo of the hotel sign and how to say "help" if they ran into trouble and wished them luck.

[floraexplorer]

Do you ever feel jolted by a memory you'd forgotten existed? After my computer told me I had zero space left, I had to start clearing through my folders to find errant -- and This shot, taken by my bunkmate aboard our Quark Expedition ship to the Arctic Circle last summer, features me and a Canadian woman dancing spontaneously to music being piped through the ship's loudspeakers. We'd just eaten barbecue up on deck; we'd just spotted three different polar bears over the course of the afternoon. It might have been 4pm at this moment, or maybe 8 in the evening - thanks to perpetual sunlight that far north, it's hard to tell. What spontaneous stories can you tell from a forgotten photo in your downloads folder?

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