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call-me-aesthetic · 3 years ago

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If Twisted Wonderland was an American Public School

WARNING: There are some slight sensitive topics that are featured in here! Reader discretion is advised!

Part 2 can be found here

Heartslabyul

Riddle Rosehearts:

- That one preppy girl who takes all honors and AP classes 😑

- Wants everyone to know that he’s becoming a doctor one day for his strict parents or he’ll dishonor the family

- Reminds the teacher about homework, knowing well that he’ll get slander for it

- Complains about how he got a 90 on his test or a B on his report card, a try hard much?

- Wears a cardigan with thicc but cute glasses since he’s one of those people with can’t see shit on the board so he has to move to the front of the class

Ace Trappola:

- The SoundCloud rapper, that’s it

- “Wanna listen to my mixtape? It’s pretty fire, my guy.” 😩🔥

- You will not miss him BLASTING out some song on his Bluetooth speaker, that shit be echoing through the hallways

- Tells you to stop what you’re doing only for him to either sing horribly or do a backflip, thinking that he’s so cool

- Wears a Supreme jacket with AirPods and waves on his head

Deuce Spade:

- Assuming that he’s still a delinquent, he’s that kid with the most fucked up school record

- Not much of a bully but will still talk shit to your face without caring, might even throw stuff at you during a lesson and you would be the one getting in trouble instead of him 🗿

- If he ever gets mad, it would be overdramatic like kicking the desks, punching the lockers, or walking out of the classroom unannounced and everyone would look at each other wondering wtf happened

- Covers the entire desks with drawings of skulls and those “s” if you know what I mean

- Wears Champion hoodies, wants you to know that he’s broke and rich at the same time

Trey Clover:

- The guy that’s not really popular but everyone knows him since he’s in all their classes

- Most people might have a crush on him because he’s REALLY nice 😳👉👈

- Gives off “older brother” vibes based on the way he looks and acts, like offering you a ride home if you beg ask nicely

- Secretly bakes creme brulee but doesn’t want to mess with the flow so he sticks to the status quo

- Wears the school’s hoodie just because he thinks it looks good on him, and the fact that he doesn’t know what else to wear

Cater Diamond:

- Hot Cheetos girl 🥵

- Has a whole buffet of food in his backpack and will not hesitate to eat them during a lesson, no sharing either sorry

- Excuses himself to the bathroom or full on skips class just to film a Tiktok

- Has about 100 followers on Instagram Magicam and brags about how he’s famous

- Wears a Thrasher hoodie with large hoop earrings and his hair in a bun

Savanaclaw

Leona Kingscholar:

- The kid who flunked their freshman year that also sort of vibes with new classmates

- Always gets mistaken as a teacher by people since he looks and sounds old

- Knows the lessons but still fails them anyways, didn’t really give a damn either 🙄

- Captain of every sports club you can think of, never actually plays but has a lot of knowledge on them

- Wears the school’s letterman from years ago since it used to be his brother’s and that he’s too lazy to buy a new one

Ruggie Bucchi:

- That one kid who NEVER has money for the book fair or any other school event

- Always has to ask his classmates for some cash

- If he somehow does, then he’s one of those kids who buys Diary of the Wimpy Kid or the World Record books

- If he’s feeling cheap, he’ll buy the “cool stuff” like the chocolate scented calculator or fruit snacks 😭

- Wears oversized hoodies and basketball shorts that are clearly hand-me-downs

Jack Howl:

- That one athletic kid who’s both scary good and competitive when it comes to school games like football or soccer

- Literally the best player on his team and without him, they’re trash as hell 💀

- Tries his absolute best to support his teammates without yelling at them for how dumb they are

- “KICK THE FUCKING BALL! DO YOUR LEGS EVEN WORK?!”

- Wears the school’s jersey just to show off his “school spirit”

Octavinelle

Azul Ashengrotto:

- The kid who sell snacks for “charity” but everyone knows he’s keeping the money to himself

- If you don’t have cash or try to negotiate with him, the only thing he’ll do is raise the price up

- “What do you mean you don’t have ten bucks? I can see it in your pocket.”

- Just bring nothing with you, he’ll doing anything to steal your stuff 🤭

- Wears a collar shirt with a tie and khakis that have pockets to keep his glasses and money in

Jade Leech:

- The kid who puts on a goody two shoes facade but is actually a stoner

- Only does “safe” drugs like vape but occasionally smokes weed, mostly in the bathroom or behind the school 🌬

- Can play it off and hide the scent when he’s high, teachers never suspect anything from him

- No one really cares to stop him unless he gets caught or something idk

- Wears clothing that either makes him look like a businessman or a junky, there’s nothing in between

Floyd Leech:

- The kid that’s plays basketball or volleyball just because he’s hella tall, and is actually good at the sports but doesn’t put much effort into them

- Always stays behind after gym, even though the teacher tries to make him leave for his next class 😬

- “I swear after this one shot, I’ll go to class.” *He never made that shot*

- Will jump you no matter who or where you are, and will get angry if you step on his new shoes

- Wears the jersey of any famous team with the latest pair of Jordan sneakers

Scarabia

Kalim Al Asim:

- VSCO girl at best, don’t lie to me now 🤡

- The only words he knows are “And I oop– sksksk.” and “Save the turtles.”

- Walks during a track meet while everyone else is running and sweating hard, the teacher doesn’t care either

- Doesn’t really do anything in gym but talks to his classmates and stands near the water fountain to refill his Hydro flask

- Wears tie dye shirts with cute scrunchies

Jamil Viper:

- That one quiet kid who everybody thinks is a serial killer but he’s actually not, I swear

- He just wants school to be over and spend the rest of his summer relaxing 😔

- Although he shouldn’t abuse his “power,” he‘ll move his hands in his pockets or backpack to make it look like he’s about to pull a weapon out.

- “Chill, I’m just grabbing a pencil.” *Everyone in the class started crying*

- Wears dark colored hoodies that intimidates people but are actually comfy

Pomefiore

Vil Schoenheit:

- The baddie popular girl 😌💅✨

- Arrives to school late with a Starbucks in hand from his local Target

- Fixes himself every 5 seconds like reapplying his lipgloss or spraying Bath and Body Works cherry blossom perfume

- Uses acrylic nails and long hair extensions as weapons during a cat fight

- Wears a crop top with ripped jeans and those clout sunglasses

Rook Hunt:

- That creepy guy in the hallways who tries to get your attention, even if you don’t know him

- Scares people when he says, “Ayo, where my hug at?” 🥶💯

- Uses at least 10 cans of Axe body spray a week after gym class, which stinks up the locker rooms

- Waves at you if he passes your class, even walking into the room just to say hi

- Wears literally anything but always include a hat

Epel Felmier:

- The artist girl who just wants to be alone 🧑‍🎨

- Purposely draws in front of you but pretends like you’re not looking

- If you complement him, he’ll just brush it off and proceeds to diss himself

- “Thanks but I’m not THAT good at drawing, teehee.” *Insert Radio Rebel face*

- Wears a hoodie or a cardigan with big pockets to put his art supplies in

Ignihyde

Idia Shroud:

- I don’t even need to tell you who he is, y’all already know ahaha 🥴

- Sneaks a whole PlayStation in his backpack so he can play with it during lunch

- Is on his phone 24/7 even in class to the point where teachers don’t care anymore

- Tries to get people into anime but only to little success

- Wears a shirt of any anime character or that damn ahegao hoodie, girl bye

Ortho Shroud:

- The nerdy kid who’s known for destroying others at many games

- Plays classics like D&D, Yugioh, Pokémon, the whole shabang

- Daily Beyblade battles during recess with everyone surrounding him, the menacing aura radiates off of him

- Will steal your things if you lose to him but gives it back a week later cuz he’s sweet 🥰

- Wears light up Sketchers shoes and those Minecraft shirts you find at Old Navy

Diasomnia

Malleus Draconia:

- The theatre kid who also goes to band practice, change my mind 👁👄👁

- Takes his role seriously when it comes to school plays and concerts, even if he gets casted as a damn tree or doesn’t go solo

- Remembers the songs and their lyrics to any musical you name, a really good singer at that too

- Plays almost every instrument, you definitely know this since you can hear him down the hallways during a test

- Wears a white button up shirt, black pants with fancy dress shoes, and top it all off with a fricking Rolex watch

Lilia Vanrouge:

- The weird guy who pranks people and vandalizes school property in every way possible

- If you ever get a textbook with a message that tells you to go to a certain page only for you to found a picture of a dick, yeah that was him 😒

- When using a Chromebook, he’ll leave a tab open on YouTube so when the next person uses it, pray that your ears will still work by tomorrow

- During lunch, he is a literal DEMON that mixes milk with chicken nuggets together and having the audacity to eat it too

- Wears an oversized raincoat or a windbreaker but idk wtf kind of things he has hiding underneath

Silver:

- That guy in class who consumes Monster energy drinks and falls asleep 99% of the time but somehow manages to pass the class 🤷

- Whenever he’s awake, he’ll talk to the teachers since he’s basically friends with them for some reason

- Writes his name out of boredom on any desk you sit on but in different places, sometimes around the corners or the sides

- Has a sixth sense because he’ll wake up if you try to draw on his face and if you did get something on him, it’s on sight

- Wears those colorful hoodies that zips all the way up to cover his face with a matching backpack, it’s pretty cool ngl

Sebek Zigvolt:

- That kid who literally knows everything about historical wars and will show it off during class

- Also has knowledge on weaponry, which has people questioning him but he’s just very dedicated on serving his country and people

- Knows how to fight and defend himself from a bitch since he spent his summer at a military boot camp, put respect on my man’s name 😤

- Honestly a great partner for a group project, actually does the given work but not the whole thing for you

- Wears anything that has camo pattern and chunky combat boots

I only made this because me and my friends were talking about our school memories so yeah. This is based from my experience so they might not be exactly accurate. Might even be a part two if you want.

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themoonandotherslikeit · 3 years ago

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Painted - Chapter Two

“Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter.” - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Y/N has moved on, her scars are barely noticeable anymore, and she’s finally stable. Or at least she was. 10 years after the worst day of her life, Y/N found herself staring face to face with an unimaginable horror. In the wake of her worst nightmare come to life, she finds herself reunited with the man that saved her all those years ago - Agent Dean Winchester who had left her a decade before broken and wanting. Dean Winchester has spent the last 10 years trying desperately to forget Y/N and the tragedy that he pulled her out of, but when she called asking for his help he dropped everything to come to her aid as he knew he always would. Can Y/N and Dean solve the mystery that has resurfaced after all this time? Will they be able to resist the pull between them? Or will this be the final brush strokes on a canvas, sealing their fate for good?

No Beta currently, all mistakes are my own! Pairing: Dean/Reader Tags: Dark!Fic, Agent!Dean, Serial Killer Fic, Smut etc.

Chapter Two

He’s back.

It took Dean Winchester no time to drop everything he was doing and go to her. His coffee was left to cool at his desk, his computer booted up, and his case file open wide for the world to see. As he sped down the streets of downtown Boston, he clicked on the siren on his dash.

“Is he in the house? Are you in danger?”

“No. I’m safe.”

He gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white. It had been ten goddamned years, but when he heard her voice he was shot back in time. He’d thought about disconnecting the number dozens of times. He hadn’t been a field agent in a long time, after all. Eight years away from the city, and only one back at the Bureau. He was getting his toes wet - not sure who he wanted to be.

But if Y/N called, he knew where he would be.

Making it to her house in record time, he drove through the already-open gate. She had followed his instructions and called in the break in. Local PD was already on the premises and seeing the squad cars let him breathe easier.

“I’m safe.”

It was why he had chosen the job, after all. To keep people safe. It was also the reason he left. He got out of the car, remembering to take his keys with him as an afterthought and pushed through the open door.

He stopped mid stride when he saw her. It had been a long time, a decade, a lifetime. She wore jeans and an oversized flannel, her Pitbull rested protectively at her feet. Her hair laid wet and tangled, pushed behind her ears as she nodded, talking to an uniformed officer.

She looked up, her eyes meeting his in a moment that completely slowed time. “Dean,” she exhaled his name like a sigh of relief.

“Hi Sweetheart.”

The officer turned to look at him, surprised. “The FBI? Agent Winchester, I didn’t realize you’d be here…”

“Have you taken her statement?” The officer nodded to him, his eyes still wide in shock. “Then I’ll take it from here.”

The Officer stepped out of the way, making room for Dean to go to her. Y/N stood as he approached, her hands flexing at her side like she was actively trying not to reach for him. “You came.”

“I told you I would,” he said quietly.

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Her voice broke, her eyes filling with tears.

“Hey, I’ve got you. You’re safe.” He reached for her, capturing her by the waist before she collapsed. He held her steady, lowering her back onto the stool.

“Sorry,” she said breathlessly, holding her head. “Haven’t eaten today.”

Dean crouched slightly to meet her eyes, his hands on either side of her. “Show it to me, then I’ll take you to get something to eat.” He reached up to push a lock of damp hair behind her ear.

“I can’t leave Castiel here.”

“We will take him with us,” he promised, offering a supportive grin. “We will eat on the patio.”

“Okay.”

She took his extended arm and allowed him to support her weight as they walked down the hallway. He didn’t need her to show him where the painting was, he just followed the sounds of crime scene techs talking, photographs being snapped.

“Did you notice anything else out of place?”

“Just the painting.”

One of the officer’s was calling to the prison. It was impossible that he could’ve gotten out, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t have resources to plant the painting. If Dean was sure of anything, he was sure of that.

He felt Y/N tug at his arm at the entrance to the hallway, halting mid-step. He glanced at her. Her pupils were wide and her lips were parted, ragged breaths escaping. “I’ve got it from here,” he told her, his hand lingering on her arm for a beat before releasing her and leaving her standing next to her dog.

Dean made his way down the hallway, officers making room for him like he was Moses splitting the Red Sea. He walked until he saw it, the painting. He settled on her eyes in the painting, delicate, detailed, but expressionless. They were missing the light that made Y/N Y/N, but it captured her likeness well enough.

He’d seen them before, of course. The paintings were famous. He thought back to the twenty-three year old girl who blushed in embarrassment the first time she saw them hanging on a wall. Dean didn’t look at them for her body, he knew it didn’t belong to her. He looked at the painting with the eyes of a detective. It was a piece of the bigger puzzle, just another clue. He leaned in closer to the painting and took a large inhale through his nose. He closed his eyes, trying to hold back any kind of reaction. He knew she was still watching him. They all were.

“Tape off the house,” he instructed, looking back to the techs and officers. I want this entire place looked over. Leave no stone unturned. I mean it. I trust you’ll secure the space, and then leave it to us. My team will be taking over from here out. Johnson,” he said, turning to an officer that he recognized. “Call the FBI field office and let them know the details and that I said I'm taking the case.” His gaze turned from the officers to Y/N. “Let’s get you some clothes. I don’t think you’ll be sleeping here tonight.”

“You read my mind.”

****

They sat at a table on the patio of a coffee shop, Castiel sleeping at Y/N’s feet. She watched Dean blow on his coffee. He looked good if she was paying attention. His strong jaw was speckled with light hairs, his full lips were pursed, blowing on his coffee to cool it enough to drink. He held the mug in large calloused hands. His moss green eyes flickered to her, catching her staring, and she suddenly felt unbelievably vulnerable.

“So, you’re a PI, huh?” He asked, his voice rougher than she remembered it to be.

Y/N shook her head. “Not frequently.”

“Why not?”

She held her own mug between her hands, tapping the lip with her index finger. “There weren’t enough wins. I couldn’t save…” Her voice trailed off and she sighed. “Well, you know what it’s like. So I opened a self defense gym. Preventative measures instead of cleaning up the messes after the fact. I’ll take special cases, and I consult every now and then. They say I have a special eye for it.”

“I suspect you do.”

“What about you, Dean?” She looked back to him, through the steam on her cup. It was the transitional time in Massachusetts when the summer shifted to autumn, and the chill nipped at her ears. “Where have you been the last ten years?” She wasn’t meaning to sound so accusatory, but that’s how it came out - pointed and full of resentment.

Silence settled between them, heavy and pressured. He cleared his throat and placed his mug down. “After everything that happened I was approached to be a part of a tactical team with the military. I didn’t feel I could decline.” Her eyebrow shot up in surprise. “I joined the Marines. I’d always thought about it after high school, it’s what my father did… and after everything that happened... I needed a change.” She watched his fast twist in itself, his lips curl and his eyes drop back to his coffee. He felt guilty for being messed up. She wanted to reach out to him and take his hand in hers to comfort him for that.

“You still answered my call… on the line that you gave me that long ago. Your work line.”

“I never got rid of it.” His eyes flickered up as he gazed at her through long dark eyelashes.

“Why?”

He chuckled low and shook his head. “It sounds insane.”

“I’ve lived insane. Try me.”

“I worried that this would happen… that someday you’d call. Every time I went to cancel it, every year that went by, I just sat in my car in the parking lot and never went in to do it. Couldn’t risk it.”

“This was your case… the one that changed you.”

He grunted, leaning back in his chair. “You sound like you’re saying from experience.”

“Well, it changed me too,” she said with a mischievous grin. His thick eyebrows shot up in surprise. She unsettled people frequently, especially when they knew her past.

“Of course.”

“Are you still in the marines?”

“Once you become one, you’re always a jarhead.” He grinned at her, a dimple pressing into his cheek. “But no, I’ve been out for two years. I got pulled back into the Bureau. They wanted me, begged me to do it.” He sighed.

“You don’t want it?”

Dean’s eyes locked with hers. “It’s been a lot of paper work. Never much wanted a desk job.”

“You’re not at a desk now, agent,” she challenged.

He grinned at her. “When a beautiful woman calls me I’m duty bound to come to her.”

She smiled and peeled her eyes from his. The banter was flirty, light, but it was a Band-Aid taped over a wound that was too close to bursting. “I’m glad you answered,” Y/N said quietly, Castiel nudging her leg with his nose. “It was instinct to call you the second I saw the painting.”

A jolt ran through her as he took her hand in his. He squeezed it gently, cradling it with care. “Y/N…”

She pulled her hand out of his and wrapped it around her mug instead, sipping her coffee. “I can’t.”

“Of course.” He nodded with an understanding that felt unfair, unwarranted.

“Do you think it’s him?” She asked, almost blurting out the question that was sitting on her tongue from the moment she saw Dean again.

Dean sighed heavily and clasped his hands together. “I don’t see how it can be. He’s been in jail for a decade, Y/N.”

“Are you sure?” Her eyes stung as fear pressed insistently against her chest preventing her from taking a full, deep breath. She didn’t think it was possible to live this way anymore, she didn’t think she had to. It was like for the first time she’d thought she could breathe easily again, just to get the breath knocked out of her in one swift kick to her stomach.

“As sure as I can be, but not sure enough to not check into it. Never sure enough to not check into it.” He leaned forward, his green eyes intense. “I’ll figure this out. I can promise you that.”

“I don’t know who else would do this.”

“Has he contacted you?”

“Not in years. He gave up eventually when I wouldn’t take his calls or write him back.”

“He wrote to you?”

“Every day for the first year. He’d send me drawings…” She tightened her grip on her mug, her knuckles whitening as a chill seemed to crawl up her spine. “I stopped opening them after the first week.”

“Do you still have them?” Dean asked slowly, carefully.

Y/N was familiar with people walking on eggshells around her. It was no real surprise that Dean would do the same. He was cautious, calculated, a professional. She wetted her bottom lip with her tongue, a nervous habit to keep her from picking at the dry skin. He made her nervous. The situation made her skin itch beneath her clothes, heat rising up the back of her neck. “Yes. They’re locked in a drawer. I’ve thought about burning them a thousand times but I just…”

“Can’t bring yourself to?”

She nodded. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m punishing myself for not realizing. Or maybe it’s a reminder to never let it happen again.”

“I’d like to see them.”

She sat up a little straighter in her seat, her jaw tightening in an expression that she was sure resembled a grimace. “They’re personal.”

“I suspect they are.”

“What do you think you’ll learn from them?”

“I don’t know, which is why I need to examine them. I need you to trust me…”

“I trust you, Dean. I think you should know that by now.”

10 years ago

“It’s inappropriate, Agent Winchester! I gave you orders to wait. She needed to be evaluated, but you went in anyway and now… ” Captain McLeod was pissed, to put it mildly. Her nostrils flared and her eyebrows furrowed as she looked up at him. For such a small woman she was terrifying, and in any other circumstance he would’ve rolled over and played dead like she obviously wanted him to. But this wasn’t any circumstance.

“She's imprinted. I know that’s what the psychologist said. She trusts me. Only me.”

“You can't be her connection, Dean.”

“I have to be. We can’t take another thing from her. I can’t abandon her after everything she’s been through.”

“You aren’t trained in psychology,” she hissed.

“I’m taking pointers from the hospital psychologist. I‘ll take her lead. I’ll tread lightly. Come on, Rowena. This is the right thing and you know it.”

“She’s having a mental break,” his captain said, her voice low. She grasped his shoulder. “I don’t want you to get too attached to someone so unstable.”

He nodded, trying to keep his expression neutral, because if he was honest with himself he would have to admit that he was already attached. How could he not be? “I’ve got this. You can go, I’ll report on what I find.”

She looked at Dean suspiciously, but finally nodded with a sigh. She had no choice but to trust him, and that fact was to his advantage. He watched her leave, before quickly entering Y/N’s hospital room again.

The hospital room was bright, the blinds raised and the light bleeding in. She looked absolutely exhausted, deep purple half moons rested under her eyes. Her hair was freshly brushed, pushed behind her ears, and down. The monitors beep steadily, showing her heartbeat, blood pressure and a dozen other numbers that he couldn’t begin to decipher. The top of the bed was raised allowing her to sit up a bit, and her bandaged arms rested on her lap.

“Dean,” Y/N said breathlessly as her tired green eyes caught his. He could tell even from where he stood in the doorway that her eyes were more grey than green from her exhaustion.

“Hey, Sweetheart.”

“I thought you left.”

“I told you I wouldn’t.”

Her eyes flickered down to her hands where she picked at her nails. “I know you did.”

“I won’t leave you. You can trust me,” he promised, walking to her. He sat in the chair next to her and pulled it close to her bed. She looked so small and fragile in that bed. Seeing photographs of her before the incident was jarring, she looked like a completely different person.

“Okay,” Y/N said, her voice weak. She nodded and sucked in her breath.

“You can talk to me if you need to.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Don’t feel pressured to talk.”

“You’re sending mixed signals, Agent.” She smiled then, it was weak but the spark in her eye wasn’t something he could ignore.

“Yeah, most of my dates say that.”

“Is this a date?” Her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“What? No - of course not. I…”

It sounded better than he could’ve ever imagined, and fuck, he hadn’t expected it to come as soon as it did. She was laughing. “Relax, Agent.” She exhaled, trying to catch her breath. “I was kidding.”

“Sure, of course you were.” His back relaxed again. He felt tightly wound, stressed. He hadn’t been able to truly relax over the last twenty-four hours. Pressure was higher than ever and things hadn’t gotten much better. No one was convinced it was over, himself included. He would have to get some information out of Y/N eventually, but he wanted to tread lightly after all she had been through. Kindness was the least that she deserved.

“It’s over, Dean.” She looked like she was reassuring him. “Right?” Her eyes met him with fear and intensity behind the brave face she was putting up.

“I don’t want to upset you,” he said carefully.

“I’m already upset. Just spit it out already. You look like you’ve sat on a thumbtack.”

Dean wanted to laugh at her image of him, but there wasn’t much to laugh about. He hated this part of his job. Y/N had been smiling a moment before, she felt safe and that wasn’t something that should be squandered or minimalized. It was a big thing. After he told her what he had to say, she wouldn’t feel safe. Not really. “We think there may be more.” ------ Chapter Three Read on A03 Here Tag List:

@lyarr24

@dean-winchesters-bacon

@waywardbaby

@akshi8278

@sexyvixen7

@deanwanddamons

@siospins

@beanie-beebo

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abundanceofsoph · 4 years ago

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SkyFire 3: Chapter 10

I’m free as a bird when I’m flying in your cage: Nov/Dec 2017

Word count: 3k

SkyFire 3 MASTERLIST

Please for the love of god, if you like the story just hit the reblog button. I really don’t know how to say it nicely but it’s really starting to bother me and maybe that makes me a dick but so be it.

>Instagram posts

Thankfully, after a day and a half of vocal rest, Harry was ready to go for the Manchester show and he very much dialled his performance up to 11 for his hometown crowd. Just as she had told Grimmy, Aurora stayed off social media in the days following the interview, but she heard from others that a small section of the fandom was absolutely furious with her and the social media manager that Mark had hired years ago to clear out her comment sections was working overtime to keep some of the nastier shit from her feeds. As much as Aurora herself was able to avoid it all together, she knew that a lot of her fans would be reading the comments and she wanted to keep it safe for them. Harry’s team was also working to keep his own accounts clear as well, and while they couldn’t hide from what was being said about them or Louis and Elanor, they could try to filter out the worst of it. This was the one part of celebrity that they all agreed was the worst. It was the unfortunate consequence of having such passionate fans. Ella had no such inclination to avoid the comment sections and was spending her free time picking fights with Larries and attempting to set them straight on the reality of Harry and Louis’ relationship as nothing more than brotherly love. Aurora tried to urge her to let it go, but unfortunately her best friend was feisty and easy to anger which was not a good combination with how overprotective she was about her loved ones. By the time they stepped out onto the Manchester stage, both Rori and Harry were happy to put aside the drama and focus on the music. Things started to cool down over the following week which took them up to Glasgow and then on to Stockholm, Berlin, Amsterdam, and Milan. By the time they returned to London on the 11th, the music video for Kiwi had been live for 3 days and the fans had thankfully moved on from Aurora’s interview in exchange for raving about the new video.

They spent the first few days relaxing at home before Rori headed to North London to meet up with Liam at the recording studio he liked to use to work on the song he had mentioned at Niall’s launch party. Aurora had spent the last few weeks listening to the demo on repeat while pouring over the sheet music Liam had emailed her. She was obsessed with the song and the two had been messaging back and forth constantly, discussing the arrangement and which parts each of them would take. Stepping back into a recording studio, even one she’d never visited before, felt like coming home after weeks on the road and her face lit up immediately as soon as she caught sight of Liam, wrapping her arms around him in a rib crushing hug.

“Ready to jump straight in?” he asked after letting her go.

“Absolutely,” she replied excitedly before following him as he introduced her to the producer and technicians that they would be working with for the following few days.

With a full week before Harry and Rori were due to fly to Shanghai, neither she nor Liam were on a tight schedule to finish the song. This meant that the environment in the studio was very chilled and there were many tangents and breaks taken while they worked.

“How attached are you and Lou to the lyrics?” Rori asked on their second day in the studio.

“Of course, you want to change something,” Liam laughed in a response. “Wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Rori replied with a laugh of her own. “I am who I am.”

“I know,” Liam agreed. “So, show me what you’re thinking.”

“I’ve been tossing around the pre-chorus and I was wondering if instead of what you lads have there, instead we go with this.”

I'm free as a bird When I'm flying in your cage I'm diving in deep And I'm riding with no brakes And I'm bleeding in love You're swimming in my veins You got me now

“Well fuck,” Liam replied. “Think I need to stop writing with Louis and start writing with you more often.”

“You like it?”

“Rors, I love it,” he said. “It’s way better than what we came up with. Let’s get back in the booth and record it.”

They ended up spending four days finishing the song which left Aurora with a few remaining days to catch up with Ella and also relax at home with her husband before they were thrown back into work.

xXx

The day before they were set to fly to China, Aurora headed over to Ella’s flat in Wimbledon. “I brought cake,” she yelled as she let herself into the flat with the spare key Ella had given her when Rori first moved back to London.

“Fuck yes!” Ella cheered in response, her voice carrying down the hall from the kitchen. “I’m just making us tea,” she continued as Rori made her way inside. “Get yourself comfy on the sofa and I’ll meet you in there, babe.”

Rori made herself at home in the living room, Ella’s elderly tabby cat Elliot, immediately padding over to make himself comfortable in her lap.

“You were recording with Liam this week yeah?” Ella asked as she joined Rori on the sofa, placing mugs of tea in front of them. “How was it?”

“God, it was so much fun El,” Rori sighed. “I didn’t realise how much I missed being in the studio. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love touring and I’m having an incredible time on the road, but it felt so good to be back recording again and it just has me itching to write again.”

“You should make sure to do more of it over the Christmas break then,” Ella pointed out. “Speaking of which are you going to be in New York or are you coming home for winter?”

“We’re planning a bit of both. Christmas and my birthday in New York with my dads and then we’ll come back here for February before the tour kicks off again in March. I think Gemma and Anne are going to join us for Christmas too and then when we get back Liam and I have made plans to have a writing session together. ”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Ella nodded before taking a sip of her tea. “Selfishly I’m glad you’ll be spending a decent chunk of time here. I miss you.”

“Urggh,” Rori groaned. “I miss you too. Was thinking of maybe doing something for Harry’s birthday and getting you, Lou, Liam, and Niall over to our flat for a game’s night or something. I feel like Harry could use something a little more lowkey this year after the insanity of tour.”

“Don’t feel like you need to invite me,” Ella replied awkwardly. “I mean, if you’re inviting the band over, I’m not really part of that group.”

“Oh bullshit,” Rori laughed. “They boys love you just like I do. You all get along great whenever we were all together for wedding stuff or the album launch. Why on earth would you feel like I shouldn’t invite you too?”

“Rori,” Ella sighed. “While yes, I have gotten along with yours and Harry’s friends in the past, that doesn’t mean that I run in the same circles as they do. They’re celebrities, you are a celebrity and I just think that sometimes you forget that I’m just your old friend from school. It’s two separate worlds that you live in.”

Aurora rolled her eyes in response, taking a sip of her tea while she compiled her rebuttal. “That’s such a load of shit El. They are mine and Harry’s friends and so are you. When we are away from the paparazzi, they are no different to you and me. I get that we grew up with their pictures on our bedroom walls but once you put that aside they’re just a bunch of really great guys that I think could become your close friends too if you let them in and stop freaking out around them.”

“Ok fine,” Ella agreed after a moment of silent staring between the two women. “I’ll try to get over myself and give them a chance next time we’re all in the same room. Can we change the subject now?”

“That’s all I’m asking for and absolutely we can change the subject. How’s things with Tim? Feel like we haven’t talked about him in a while.” Ella made a face and Aurora felt her heart break for her best friend. “When?” she asked softly. “What happened, love?”

“He broke it off a few weeks ago,” Ella explained. “Said he didn’t feel a spark or something.”

“I’m sorry babe, things seemed to be going so well when I left for the tour.”

“They were. At least I thought they were. We barely made it past 3 months before he gave up.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were half a world away having the best time,” Ella replied. “If I’d told you then you would have just felt guilty for not being here.”

“And now instead I feel guilty for not even being able to be a sympathetic ear since I couldn’t provide a shoulder. How are you now?”

“I’ll be ok. I’ve been a bit down in the dumps, but I think it’s for the best. He made some good points about me not really knowing what I wanted and he’s right. I think I’m gonna swear off dating until I really figure out who I am and what I’m looking for.”

“Well if you ever want help figuring out who you are, I think I know you pretty well by now.”

“I might take you up on that offer,” Ella said with a small smile before changing topic. “Now enough moping, you said you brought cake with you? You are never going to believe the scandal that’s broken out amongst some of the girls in my Colonial History class.”

xXx

Occasionally something would happen in Aurora’s life that would give her pause and remind her how incredibly ludicrous her life had become. Standing behind her keyboard in the middle of a Victoria Secrets show in Shanghai while her husband sang and danced his heart out in front of her while literally supermodels strutted past them was one of those moments.

It was hard for her to believe that only 2 days ago she was sitting on her best friend’s sofa eating a chocolate cake from Sainsbury’s and discussing the latest high school drama playing out in Ella’s classroom. She found herself thinking about how her mother would react if she somehow had a way to travel back in time seven years and tell her about this moment and all the other life changing moments that had occurred since they parted. It was while her thoughts were caught on her mother that Harry turned, catching her eye, a mile-wide smile lighting up his face as he winked at her, causing her own smile to grow in response. No matter how strange her life had become and how much everything had changed since she was an average teenager living above a small bar, she knew that she wouldn’t change a single thing that had happened if it meant ending up here with Harry smiling at her like that.

xXx

Following the Victoria Secrets show, the band arrived in Singapore early and spent a few days exploring before their show there after which the flew on to Australia, a country that Harry had toured many times over the years with One Direction, but Aurora had never managed to visit herself. They had a week in the land Down Under, with shows in both Sydney and Melbourne and Aurora made it her mission to see as much as she could of the 2 state capitals, often dragging Harry or other members of the band along on her adventures. Given that it was the last week of November everywhere was getting into the Christmas spirit, however since it was the southern hemisphere the weather was scorching hot and the group found the combination highly entertaining, if somewhat baffling.

While in Sydney they took in the iconic sights such as Bondi beach, the Opera House, and the Harbour Bridge, as well as a day trip out to explore the Blue Mountains. In Melbourne they visited the Eureka Tower with it’s Skydeck that offered an amazing view of the city spread out beneath them. They also spent some time at the Melbourne Zoo and National Gallery of Victoria, then the day after their show at the Forum, they were taken on a drive out of the city and down along the coastal Great Ocean Road.

The tour stop in Auckland was similarly packed out with touristy opportunities where Aurora’s highlight was the art gallery Toi o Tāmaki. While the laid back vibes in both Australia and New Zealand captured Aurora’s attention, it was the week they spent in Tokyo that held Harry’s, so much so that while everyone else headed home the day after the last show, the young couple made a last minute change to their travel plans and extended their stay by an additional week to explore the city more.

Once again, Tokyo was somewhere that Harry had visited many times with the band while Aurora had never been, and he enjoyed to opportunity to show her his favourite parts. Something Aurora noticed almost immediately about Tokyo was that unlike in the US or the UK, people either didn’t recognize them when they were out and about or they did but respected their privacy and left them alone. She pointed this out to Harry on their second day wandering the city streets and he smiled back at her, agreeing that it was something he’d also noticed in a previous visit and had definitely played a role in him falling in love with the city.

They spent their days wandering the streets, ducking into quirky shops that caught their eye and just revelling in the normalcy of being together in public. As they walked, they both realized that they had never had this; a chance to be like everyone else crowding the sidewalks around them. Save for stolen moments in the early days of their relationship like their first date in Hampstead Heath or when they were able to sneak into galleries on quiet days, they’d never really been able to be themselves within a crowd. They’d always needed to wrap a scarf that little bit higher around their chins or wear a hat a little lower on their heads or glasses a little bit larger. To walk hand in hand like any other couple was freeing in a way that Rori hadn’t realized she’d been missing, and she soaked up every moment of their time in Tokyo. If only for a week she felt like she was living the life she would have had if her mother hadn’t died. If she had continued living as a normal girl from Wimbledon instead of being thrust into the spotlight, free to live her life without the scrutiny of the press and the public. Of course, it wasn’t lost on her that the man holding her hand wouldn’t be Harry in this parallel universe and for that she would happily trade in her freedom. She could accept that the price she paid to be married to Harry and be Steve and Tony’s daughter was that she would never really be allowed to have this normality, so she simply tried to make the most of their time before they flew on to New York for Christmas. They never spoke about any of this during their little vacation away from their lives but even without voicing her thoughts, Rori was certain that Harry was thinking the same thing and would willingly make the same sacrifices for the life they had built together.

xXx

Both Aurora and Harry were exhausted by the time they reached New York and were grateful to find Happy waiting for them as soon as they exited the arrivals terminal at JFK. He offered a quick hug to Rori before collecting their bags from them and leading them to the town car waiting for them. She leant against Harry in the back seat as they made the hour long drive into Manhattan. Her blinks began to lengthen as the airport shrank in the rear-view mirror and she was fast asleep before they reached Queens. Harry had to gently coax her awake once they finally reached the tower and she slowly made her way out of the car and into the elevator up to the penthouse. Tony and Steve were waiting up for their arrival and excitedly pulled their daughter into tight hugs the moment she stepped out of the elevator. It was Steve that noticed the way both Rori and Harry’s eyelids seem to droop and their gazes glazed over while Tony asked them a dozen questions about their recent adventures, and Rori was grateful when her Pops shooed them both off to bed with promises that they could catch up properly over a homecooked breakfast the next morning. They were barely conscious by the time they stripped out of their clothes and crawled into bed, however Aurora remained awake just long enough the think about how good it felt to be home.

NEXT CHAPTER

OR CONTINUE READING ON AO3

#skyfire fic #Husband Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #dad!tony #domestic fluff #iron dad #step dad steve rogers #aurora stark #harry styles #tony stark #live on tour

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thomasharpole · 3 years ago

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Jubilance - 7/28

A evening with the Dave Matthews Band in Tampa, FL

I am still trying to piece together and process what I experienced last night in the sweaty mess of a pit, watching some of the most talented, world-class musicians weave unforgettable songs and melodies together with us. The last 2 hours of this show amounted to the most powerful and most spiritual experience I’ve ever had seeing live music. Words, especially in English, fall short of my experience and don’t do it justice. It seems futile to write about it, and yet I want to preserve this night in my writing and internalize the lesson from last night as much as I can.

To stand so close at a show is something I had only done 10 years ago, but I wasn’t ready at the time to understand what I was seeing. As a musician, to watch these men last night, who I have now listened to for the better part of 20 years, genuinely felt like spending time with family or the closest friends of your life.

I could see everything. I could see the smiles, the laughter, the concentration, the emotional highs and lows, and the chemistry of these humans on stage together. I could see Carter’s love and thrill for each band member, his genuine undying smile and extraordinary speed and language he speaks on the drum kit. I could see him feel every single cymbal hit before it even landed. I could see Jeff and Rashawn’s friendship as two brass players, and the way they observe each other through their intricate solos. I could see Fonz get giddy during certain musical moments. I could see Tim’s immense concentration and what feels like his access to another dimension in the way he speaks through his guitar. I could see Buddy fresh and fly demeanor, his constant smile while playing keys, and how he is so deeply appreciated by the other legacy members of the band. I could see Dave’s raw outpouring of himself into every song he sang, his soul eternally begging to be released and shown to the world through the language of music. I could also see the warm twinkle in Dave’s eye from 25 feet away, you could tell that he, who feels like a lifelong friend to all of us, felt right at home and his presence communicated something like “I am so thrilled and happy to be here with you, my loving family, after so damn long.”

The venue disappeared for me because we were so close. I felt like I was in a small room with these guys. I was listening to exactly what I would want to hear and watch if I knew I had one evening left until my life was over.

Below are a few moments from certain songs that I wish to hold onto forever.

Setlist and moments:

**I felt the show really started to take off from JTR onward, so I’m going to start song comments at that point.

Tripping Billies Raven Seek Up So Right When The World Ends Seven You Might Die Trying Satellite The Riff

JTR: the pit crew was absolutely thrilled when JTR started playing. “Rain down on me” resonated deeply with a crowd and musicians who were so brutally covered in the sweat and humidity of the evening, it felt as if everyone in this moment resigned to the extreme physical state we were all in, and the musicians were right there with us. The way the horns built the the jam motif in the end of this tune, teasing and getting snagged on the same melody (between 4 and 6 time sig) until their final release in the last 8 bars. The way Carter carries the group through the end, with Dave high stepping along the way… just fantastic.

The Song that Jane Likes: Sweet song, amazing visuals behind the stage, and first time playing this year on tour.

Typical Situation: Something happened at this point in the show that changed the dynamic of the rest of the night. I watched Carter and Dave come alive during this tune. First, to see Carter playing shaker, mallets, and drumsticks on one song and switch effortlessly between them was awesome. But when this song went into the 7/8 chromatic jam during the middle of the outro it was off the charts. Buddy was hammering the keyboard, Carter was slamming the china cymbals, and Dave was DANCING harder than I’ve seen in 4 shows. The pit sang this one loud.

Do You Remember: Endless 90s nostalgia for me. The visuals of the bicycle evoke extremely colorful feelings of my childhood on Ivy St. The endless summer days, the laughter and sports and quiet evenings outside. My dad sitting on a chair watching us. I could write pages on just this feeling, but this song is a portal into my childhood.

Grey Street: Felt the song coming, and as Carter counted the intro out loud the tempo is so recognizable, it almost has its own identity for this song as the drums roll into the opening chord. The third verse comes back to life and the pit loves it. The girl I’m with says something about me being the crazy man creeping and I make a maniac face and she laughs. The thrill of seeing someone I know witness this song in person, up close, is overwhelmingly wholesome. It feels for a moment, as if the night has conspired to make this all happen. I almost hit the floor during the yeah scream on Grey Street after the 3rd chorus. Belted the note too hard and lost oxygen to my head, felt myself about to pass out immediately and grabbed on for dear life. The sax and trumpet duel during the outro between Jeff and Rashawn is staggering and leads us into the final riff of the song which just punches you in its goodness and power.

If Only: Just a humble little song. I need to listen to this one again (live version) to draw out what I remember from the stage.

Dancing Nancies: Dark, absolutely astounding. Tim Reynolds played the most other-worldly guitar solo with visuals on the back of broken dolls, babies, all kinds of crazy things. Dave began the song asking all the right questions about what he could have been to the audience. The hits on the outro in series of 8 were felt in my chest. Best version of it I’ve seen.

Warehouse: My all-time favorite song from this band. This intro is the most visceral and raw sequence in the show. When the sax, trumpet, guitar, and keys come together all in tremolo in 32nd notes, the frequencies and overtones created along with Carter’s enormous rapid cymbal sound is so intense you can see the physical effect it has on Dave. The closest way I could describe this intro as if the soul is being extricated by force out of the body and almost vacuumed or sucked upwards into a new reality it has to reckon with. “Only hope you’re here to pull me out, when I start going under, as the warehouse slips away” gives me chills. (To get a slight idea of what this is like, watch this clip at 38–40 mins. It’s from a different show, but note especially Dave’s viscerally clear connection with something beyond our understanding around the 39m mark.)

The strobes and lights here only add to the intensity of this intro. The huge yell before the 2nd verse. The drive into the outro. The salsa hits at the end. Rashawn just driving the trumpet to where it sounds like a different instrument. And the final lyrics in the moment of great reckoning:

That’s our blood down there⁣

Seems poured from the hands of angels⁣

Then trickle into the ground⁣

Leaves the Warehouse bare and empty⁣

Then my heart’s numbered beat⁣

Will echo in this empty room⁣

And fear wells in me⁣

Til’ nothing seems big enough to stay long

So I am going away, I am going away

The final Eadd9 chord lands as the warm summation and resolution to the song. I see the faces of all of my friends from the last 10 years that have been moved by this piece of music as well, and every place I have been in my life when listening to this song. It’s a sweet ending.

Everyday: One of Buddy’s licks on the intro to this song was a 32nd note run that blew the entire band away. He played 16 notes in under 2 seconds down the scale. Carter, who is probably the most attentive to rhythm, had his jaw on the floor. Everyone was loving it. The improv vocals. The 3 part harmonies. The crowd singing Hani Hani come and dance with me. The final build. Richness.

PNP > Rapunzel: Endlessly playful song that is perfect way to end a show. Funniest part of the show is when Dave’s string broke about 15 seconds before the outro-dance-explosion that becomes the end of this song. It was very critical that the new guitar get on before the downbeat of the outro because of how much the song picks up and to keep that energy. As Dave is bending his neck to put the new guitar on, after 3 hours of playing and probably in some pain, he changed the last lyrics of Rapunzel to: “Every single thing you do to me, my god I’m FUCKED, but I’ll do, my best, for you, I’ll do yeaaaaaa. LOL! I’m sure he’s used this change before but it was timed so perfectly with him tangled in a new guitar strap, with his head banging against the various items, knowing he had about 3 seconds to pull of this change and it was not going well.

Encore:

Singing From The Windows: I could not hold it together for this song. After a year and a half of what has felt like chaos in the lives of many people and in humanity, the acceptance and hope that pours from this song, and out of Dave, is enough to floor anyone that has an ounce of care for the rest of our species. I looked around and everyone around me in the pit was crying. Dave got choked up on this song the other night and looked like he was barely holding it together. There was a quiet and serenity for a moment without the band, and all of the focus went to the songwriter and the gripping power one man and a guitar can have on an audience of 20,000 people.

Why I Am: Man, it really felt like Leroi still carries a presence in this band and you can tell why the band sings it often.

Stay: By this point, everyone was so insanely hot in the pit that they were belting Stay knowing that it was the last chance we would get to sing together. The way Carter syncopates the china cymbals on the outro of this song has always captured me. To watch Dave dance to this one more time while the horns went off and spread his arms wide on the final 3 seconds of the song was an exclamation point on a wild ass evening.

— —

Anyway, I wish that every human being could experience what I did last night. The world would be an infinitely better place. It’s not often that we have moments in our life that alter the course of the path we’re on, but I think it’s important to recognize them when they happen.

Whatever God is or means, or exists insofar as we allow him/her/it into this world, God was absolutely radiating last night. In the faces of the people, and in the entity that lives and breathes and is created when these musicians get together on stage. There is something above and beyond human form that I am humbled to have been a witness to.

It sounds a bit wild, but we are so unbelievably bigger than our bodies trick us into thinking we are. We are so much bigger than the Warehouse that contains us. And yet, we must live and do God’s work through this physical vessel because it is the only form that we take while we’re here. We must learn from this self and feed it, nourish it, teach it to become more than what it thinks it is.

One other thought: to share this musical experience alone is wonderful. But to have shared this band with someone I love so deeply is all a person could ever ask for. It is the epitome of the human experience, that is, to watch another person receive their own gift, their own joy, their own meaning from something you believe in, and to know they will carry it with them forever. They are changed by your truth. I got to see her become fully and endlessly alive because of this music last night. And that was infinitely enough.

We left the venue on fire with gratitute. It sounds wild, but I remember thinking I could die quite peacefully at that moment! I couldn’t conjure any other thing I needed to go do on this planet. I couldn’t conjure a negative thought. It was impossible. The word “ecstasy” doesn’t do this feeling justice, because the emotions are so much further in range than just intense happiness. Perhaps “awareness” or “power” or “spiritual fullness” resound a bit more to me, but for everyone it is different.

I think what’s most special about this band is that their music permeates into the core of who you are as a human being. It’s spiritual. It’s bursting with truth. It transforms how you see the world. It becomes your attitude and your way of life. This is why these guys sold more live tickets than any other group on earth for 10 years straight. The range of emotion embedded in the music is also the perfect analogy of what we as people honestly grapple with during our journey here. The lessons are clear. The music has given millions of people permission to live better lives: with jubilance, resilience, and an understanding that joy exists even amidst the deepest of pain. Each day we have an opportunity to show someone else this honest attitude, this truth, through whatever medium we choose. It is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person. There is no question I will carry the richness of this experience with me, from now until the end of my life. I am forever thankful for nights like this, nights that are simply transcendent.

Thomas Harpole

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shinsorokiri · 4 years ago

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UA Idol | Chapter Nineteen

Hitoshi Shinsou x Reader

Word Count: 5k+

Warnings: Language, cancer, talking about a past emotionally abusive relationship, mentions of sex, rlly awful older guy doing rlly awful things to a minor, sad Hitoshi Shinsou, mentions of alcohol

A/N: This one is literally the longest chapter I think I’ve written in my life ever. I know it’s still kinda short compared to what other people put out, but I’m really proud of it! Also, it is a little angsty, but I figured adding some background info was a must. I hope y’all enjoy it! Also, yes, I will also be uploading tomorrow as well, so woohoo. This is my Christmas gift to y’all hehe :)

───────────────────────────────────

Much to your disappointment, you eventually had to leave Hitoshi and Denki’s room. It just got “too late.” Of course, you would have loved to stay and just chill with Hitoshi, but Denki and Mina cannot know, and you guess you’ve been around him a bit too long for a friendly situationship. Maybe. You don’t really know what the boundaries for this situationshhip are when it comes to hanging out with each other. Whatever, though, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you need to get all of your preparations for your song all together immediately so you can make it easier for the band and sound and lighting designers.

So here you are, six in the morning, not sleeping, no, of course not. You’re too busy making a basic beat that you can show the band, sketching out some ideas for a light show, and counting each and every vocal cue that might need to be prerecorded and played. Of course, Mina is unconscious in the bed next to you, but that’s because she’s singing Positions by Ariana Grande, so a backing track will do perfectly, and the minimal dancing she’ll be doing will all be done by her. Besides, the two of you talked about it for a long time about her song and she’ll be one hundred percent fine. You, on the other hand, were just an anxious mess about the entire situation about to go down. Much to your expectations, you got a text notification from none other than Mr. Hitoshi Shinsou. Man doesn’t sleep, and the fact that he got so much sleep earlier today really fucked with him.

‘what are you doing right now’

‘trying to write down my lighting cues, why?’

‘come to the hotel roof, it’s a lot calmer and peaceful up here’

You can’t help but smile. Leave it to Hitoshi to be up ridiculously early. Then again, it’s not like the two of you really had anything to do tomorrow. Not anything big, anyway. It mainly consists of just telling the band and everyone everything, so going up to the roof wouldn’t be a bad idea. You grab your laptop and a notebook and head on up. Sure enough, Hitoshi is sitting near the edge, mindlessly strumming his guitar, and just gazing off to the ocean. “You should really get some sleep, you know. I mean it’s nearly 6:30 in the morning.” You tease as you sit down next to him. He smirks, shaking his head. “Sorry, I refuse to listen to someone who is also up at this hour by choice. So, politely fuck out of her with that shit.”

You gently push his shoulder with a chuckle before he starts strumming away again. “So, what’s up? Why are you awake at this hour?” he glances over at you and you sigh. “I’m just stressed about everything. I already have gotten super behind on schoolwork because of this and like yeah, technically I could just drop out this semester and go back for next but it’s just… super complicated and if I don’t get through to live shows… what am I gonna do?”

“You’re going to get through, kitten. I know you will. You’re amazing, stop doubting yourself.”

“You’re just saying that, Toshi.”

“No, I’m not. I’m being 100% serious.” He stops playing his guitar as he looks at you, a dead serious expression on his face. You sigh, shaking your head. “Thanks. I just always assume the worst, I guess.”

“I know you do. But based off of past experiences, it makes sense,” he says, looking away from you and back out at the ocean. You two would probably see the sunrise together. Romantic. You pause for a moment, before speaking again. “I never actually tell you about what happened with me and my ex, did I?”

Hitoshi pauses now. You never did tell him everything, just enough. And he kind of pieced together some things because of the songs you wrote about him, but he would kind of love to know more. Not like love, but he would like to know who the motherfucker who broke your heart was. “No. Just that he was older than you and the absolute worst.”

“Ah, yeah, well, that’s the basics.”

Hitoshi looks at you. “Would you want to tell me?”

You hesitate before nodding your head. “Yeah. Yeah, I would.”

“Then, I’m all ears.”

You nod, looking out at the stars before beginning, “So… when I was seventeen, I met… him. He was much older than me, like our relationship was not legal, which looking back on it now, I’m like, ‘wow (Y/n), you are such a dumbass for that,’ but I was young. I didn’t know that it was bad, so… yeah. But I certainly found out. At first it was great, I had an older boyfriend, I was edgy, everything was amazing. And then… well… I know now that it was gaslighting. Following that was manipulation, there was… a lot of emotional manipulation. For example, you call me kitten, or (Y/n) or my nickname. He would call me dumbass, stupid, loser, bitch, slut, all the bad things. And it wasn’t in an endearing way. It wasn’t like I’d do something stupid and he would laugh and be all, oh you’re such a dumbass. No. It was for everything. He would also treat me like a child. I was young, yeah, but he acted like he was all knowing, and I didn’t have any experiences with anything at all. Which, granted, I had very little experience, but… still. It was demeaning. It made me feel small and worthless, and he’s the worst for it.”

You pause for a moment, glancing over at Hitoshi. You see his eyes fixed on you; jaw clenched. You can tell he’s kind of… pissed at this guy. Which makes sense, I mean the two of you are now romantically involved, so why wouldn’t he hate your ex. It only makes sense. Especially since he was a dumpster fire of a human being. You look down at your lap, continuing on.

“I fell in love with him, though. That’s why I let it go on for so long because I was like, well, we love each other, so everything will be fine. And that’s partially why I lost my virginity to him. I mean, that was… a whole other ordeal. Once again, I was seventeen, he was very much older, it was just… it was very illegal and bad and well… yeah. And when I was like, ‘oh, but you’re older than me isn’t that bad?’ he was all, ‘age is just a number, baby. We can do whatever you want,’ and my naïve ass fell for it. And from that moment on I thought there had to be something special about me. And well… after almost two years of us being together, I found out he was cheating on me. And it kind of destroyed me in a way. And… yeah. He’s the worst.”

Hitoshi is silent for a moment. Only because he doesn’t trust what might come out of his mouth. This man lied to you, manipulated you, hurt you, cheated on you???? What the actual fuck is wrong with him. Not to mention the whole grooming thing he did to you. What the fuck was that. “Well, I’m just going to let you know this now.”

Hitoshi starts talking but pauses to turn and face you completely. “If I ever meet this guy, I’m beating the shit out of him. Badly. And then I’m going to ruin his life by letting the police know that he coerced a minor into having sex with him. That’s what your whole ass song Seventeen is about, so it’s not like it would be a random story.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that, but I think he’s out of my life now. Sometimes he tries to slide back in, but he hasn’t tried for six months now, so yay. All time high record.”

“Next time he contacts you let me know and I will literally send him a video of me like, going down on you or something. I’ll flip him off the whole time.”

You laugh at that but can’t hide the flustered feeling you get from the thought of Hitoshi doing that. You wouldn’t complain if he did do that, though. “My knight in shining armor.”

“You know it,” he says, flashing a smile at you. You roll your eyes, laying down on the ground. He watches you for a bit, just staring at you as your eyes are closed for a while. “But in all seriousness. I’m really sorry that happened to you. He’s definitely the worst and you did not deserve to go through that. I’m sorry you did.”

“It’s… well, it isn’t really okay, but that’s okay. It’s okay for something to not be okay, you know?”

“I know… I definitely know that. And I’m really sorry that asshole completely ruined an emotion like love for you. You deserve so much better.” You open your eyes at that, giving him a sad smile. “Maybe I’ll get over it someday. But yeah. I wish he didn’t do that, but he really did. I guess I’m just afraid of getting hurt again.”

“I understand completely,” Hitoshi nods, staring back out at the stars meeting the ocean. Suddenly his phone buzzes, causing him to look down at it. “Oh, yeah. It’s like 10:45 over in Japan right now,” he mumbles, unlocking his phone to message his mom back. “Oh? I didn’t realize you were so popular that even in a different country your phone would be blowing up,” you tease him, and he chuckles before giving you the middle finger. “I’m not, my mom is just worried I’ll get alcohol poisoning and die here.”

“Don’t tell her about last night, she’ll shriek.”

He smiles, knowing that she definitely would. That’s when he realizes he’s never really told you about his mom. And that’s just not fair since you basically just poured your heart out to him about your shitty ex. Time to let you know. “She definitely would, and then the nurses would grill me out next time I went to see her.”

“Nurses?”

“Oh, yeah. I never told you, did I? My mom basically lives in the hospital at this point. I mean, not really, but she has to be there a lot for the chemotherapy treatments. She was always a sickly woman, but six months ago she was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. And, well, they gave her at least three years.” Hitoshi pauses for a moment. The news still makes him emotional, so he’s fighting back the emotions surfacing in him right now. Or at least he’s trying to, but you make it really hard. Especially since you’re immediately wrapped around him. He lets out a shaky sigh before giving you a teary smile. “It’s not okay, but it’s okay for it to not be okay. My dad passed away when I was seven because of an accident on the job, so my mom raised me. Even when I made it nearly impossible, she was always there. So, yeah. It’s… it’s hard. It was hard losing someone I loved when I was a kid, and it hasn’t gotten any easier.”

You don’t say anything at first, just gently push his head into your shoulder. You gently rub his back as you two sit in silence. You know that he’s crying silently, so you just stay there before you break the silence. “I’m here for you, Hitoshi. You can always talk to me about everything going on.”

He nods, setting his guitar to the side, and fully wrapping his arms around you. You run your fingers through his hair to try and help him out. You’ve had a shitty relationship, but that can never compare to Hitoshi’s situation. You could never imagine losing people you loved. At this point, it seems like that emotion just does more harm than good for everyone. No wonder the two of you never want to deal with it again. You’re afraid of getting hurt by someone you love again, and Hitoshi is afraid he’ll lose someone he loves since it seems to keep happening.

The two of you stayed like that for quite some time, until you noticed the sky beginning to lighten up. “Toshi, look. The sun is rising.”

He pulls himself out of your arms but makes sure to keep one of his around you as he pulls you closer to him. You lay your head on his shoulder and he lays his head on top of yours as the two of you watch the sun rise over Los Angeles. You never thought you would ever see this sight, but it’s certainly beautiful. “(Y/n?)”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For listening. And for comforting me. I haven’t really been able to talk about it with anyone.”

“What about Denki?” you ask, shifting your head and looking up at him. He lets out a chuckle. “I’ve talked about it with him, yeah, but I don’t know. It’s nice having a change of pace and being able to talk to someone else about it, y’know?”

“Yeah, I know. The only person I ever talked to about my guy problems is Mina, so it was really nice talking to you about this stuff.”

He grins. Even though he just reminded himself of the fact that his mother is sick, just the mere fact that you were there with him was enough to make him feel a little bit happier. “What do you say we go to bed now? It’s seven in the morning and we have work to do tomorrow,” he mumbles, and you nod. You would be lying if you said you weren’t tired. Hitoshi stands, extending his hand to you which you happily take. “Too bad we can’t sleep in the same bed again. Mina and Denki will definitely know something is up,” you say with a sigh as you gather up the things you brought to the roof. All of it went untouched, but maybe that was for the better. You were stressing out too hard and your notes probably weren’t even comprehensive. He grabs his guitar and frowns. “Yeah. That really sucks, I like having you with me while I sleep.”

“And I like having you with me,” you say, opening the door that took the two of you to the roof. You both walk silently to his room first since it’s on a higher floor, and he quickly gives you a peck on the lips as a goodnight… er, good morning? Doesn’t matter, he disappeared into his room as quickly as he did it, just leaving you grinning in front of his door like an idiot.

You quietly walk into your room, being extra careful to not wake Mina even though she wouldn’t wake up if you screamed directly in her ear. You settle into bed, hugging a pillow close to your body and pretending it’s Hitoshi. It does help that your pillow still smelled like him from the night before, too. Lavender and Eucalyptus. Not a scent you ever expected to find extreme comfort in, but here you were.

Waking up was confusing, since you literally had no idea when you even fell asleep. You wake up around 10:30, exhaustion immediately making itself felt. “You didn’t sleep because you were stressed last night, huh?” Mina asks, sitting on her bed with her headphones on. You shake your head no, letting out a big yawn as you do. Mina sighs, shaking her head before shutting her laptop. “Do you need to sleep in more? I can call Denki and we can go give our information to the band and designers if you would want to sleep in.”

“No, I need to get my information to them earlier rather than later,” you mumble, pulling yourself out of bed and going over to get clothes on for the day. “Whatever you say, but I’m definitely not coming back to the room afterwards and I’m definitely forcing Denki to go to the beach with me because I don’t really want to go alone and I know he’s weak and would never be able to turn me down, so knock yourself out when I’m gone. Literally. Please.”

You laugh at that but nod regardless. That would be very nice, being able to just take a nap while she was off sitting in sand and staring at scantily clad women on the beach. But before you can look forward to that, you need to go tell the band and designers what you need for soundcheck tomorrow and then for the actual performance. You grab your laptop and shove it in a backpack as well as your various notes and look at Mina. “Are you coming too?”

“Oh, definitely. Of course.”

“Great. Is Denki coming?”

“He and Shinsou are already there, actually. Guaranteed it’s because Shinsou dragged his ass there before he had.a chance to protest, but we gotta go.”

You both leave your room, Mina calling an Uber as you make sure you have everything to make this exchange as easy as possible for all parties. “Okay, (Y/n), but seriously. What is up with you and Shinsou? Like, you don’t just fall asleep with someone while drunk, you know that, right?” she asks as the two of you wait outside for your ride. You roll your eyes. “Yes, you do. Especially if y’all are very close friends who happen to both be tired as hell and drunk as hell at the same time.”

“Oh, please. He was literally doting on you the entire time we were at the club. He definitely wants something more with you.”

“No, he really doesn’t. We already talked about all of… that stuff after you and Denki left the room and we thought we were dying. We were just drunk, and he wasn’t doting he was just making sure his friend was okay getting drunk in a new city in a new country.”

Mina narrows her eye at you from suspicion but decides that the story checks out and lets out a dramatic sigh. “I just want you to find someone, you know? I feel like it would help you with everything going on in your life.” “I don’t need someone else to be doing well, Mina. Believe me, I’m just fine on my own.”

“I know, I know. But still. It wouldn’t hurt to see you happy in a relationship.”

Your Uber arrives and the two of you hop in. You stare out of the window, trying your hardest not to fall asleep in this car as Mina chats the driver’s ear off. Luckily the drive isn’t too long, and you both head inside the theater you’ll be performing at. You walk over to the band, showing them everything you need. You even give examples of what you’re looking for, playing the guitar to get them familiar with it, the piano, bass, drums, all of it. And they are very grateful for it, because they have a shit ton of other contestants that they have to do this for, and not all of them are as nice or ready as you are. You thank them before going over to the designers and showing them the idea you had come up with for the performance. You let the sound designer know that your friends would be singing back-up and how you would like their microphones to sound throughout the performance, and then you move on to telling the lighting designer what you think would look cool. You spend at least twenty-five minutes just talking with them and bouncing ideas back and forth until you all settle on a light show and sound. You thank them again, and then turn to go back to the lobby.

You find Mina outside talking with Denki and Hitoshi, and as soon as she sees you, she waves you over. You walk over to them, giving Hitoshi and Denki a small wave. You were even more tired now than when you woke up, so talking exudes too much energy that you really need to save. “I told you she didn’t sleep at all. She’s definitely not going to the beach with us,” Mina says to Denki, her tone dripping with an ‘I-told-you-so’ attitude. Denki groans. “But we never get to do anything fun with (Y/n)! Not since the club.” “Are you saying hanging out in your room all together last night wasn’t fun?” Mina challenges and Denki goes silent. “Oh, yeah, I guess it was.”

“Listen, Denki, I think you should just let (Y/n) go home and take a nap. She obviously needs it,” Hitoshi cuts in, masking the concern he’s feeling for you with a dry tone and no expression. “I know, I know. Go back to the hotel and take a fat nap, (Y/n/n). I wanna hang out with you later today, alright?” You nod, getting your phone out to call an Uber back to the hotel. “I already called one, (Y/n/n), you can just ride with me,” Hitoshi says, and you nod. “Aw seriously? You’re not coming either?”

“Denki, I also did not get any sleep last night because I have insomnia, I would also like to just relax for a bit.”

“Okay, fair. But I mean it! We’re all hanging out later!” “Okay, but no drinking. I mean it. We have soundcheck tomorrow.”

“Fine.”

And with that, the Uber arrives and you and Hitoshi pile in. “We are going straight to my room and passing the fuck out because I had a horrible time trying to sleep without you last night, alright?” Hitoshi literally pouts, causing you to laugh. “Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll stop in my room to change into something more comfortable and then-”

“Nope. You’ll wear one of my shirts and a pair of sweatpants that I own, and we will go to sleep as soon as possible. We’re going straight to my room though, because if Denki and Mina burst into any room it’ll be yours.” “Fair point. Okay.”

“Good.”

He wraps his arm around you, pulling you closer to him as your Uber driver winds through traffic. You arrive at the hotel pretty quickly, and you both head on up to his room. He throws some clothes at you and you go in his bathroom to change before coming out and curling up under his covers and into his arms. He pulls you closer to him and pretends like he wasn’t just affected by seeing you in his clothes, but boy oh boy he was. He would like to see you like that more often, to be honest. But he probably wouldn’t, and he knew that, he just kind of really hoped he would. “G’night, Toshi,” you mumble, falling asleep immediately. He chuckles silently, carefully and gently tracing patterns on your back. He got very lucky, and he knows it. Even if you two aren’t dating, he has a cuddle buddy and a music buddy and a kissing buddy who he really really likes. And not like in just a romantic way because he definitely does and he’s doing his best to make sure that feeling doesn’t turn into… something more, but also like in just the fact that you allow him to be himself. It’s amazing, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. He falls asleep fairly quickly, too, and you two take a cute little four-hour nap.

You wake up at two in the afternoon to see Hitoshi already awake and staring at you. “Good morning, kitten,” he says, his ‘I just woke up’ voice very much evident. “Morning,” you mumble, burying your head back into his chest. You feel the vibrations of his laughter in his chest, and grin. “When do you want to actually get up?” he asks, going back to rubbing your back. You shrug. “Probably soon. It is the afternoon, so.”

“Yeah. You’re right there. Do you maybe want to go meet up with Denki and Mina? Go grab some lunch and stuff?”

“Yeah, sure. Why not.”

The two of you get up, Hitoshi changes while you stretch out a bit then you head down to your room so you can actually appear presentable as well. You throw Hitoshi’s clothes in your suitcase, saying you’ll give them back to him later but honestly? You had no desire to give them back. They were too comfortable, and they smelled too much like him. They belonged to you now. He had a hunch that was what you were doing, but he honestly didn’t mind. He brought more casual shirts and sweatpants with him on this trip anyways, you could keep them if you wanted to. And you wanted to. And he lowkey wanted you to, too. You text Mina, asking where they are, and she answers right away. “Looks like they’re at some beachside restaurant, let’s go,” you say, calling an Uber yet again to get to the restaurant.

When you arrive, Mina and Denki are already a few drinks in, so they were far too excited to see the two of you. Luckily, there were sober people there to make sure they don’t try to annoy the two of you into drinking. Kirshima, Bakugou, Jirou, and Momo are all there, too. Four new people are there as well, the boy with the messy green hair, the really cute brunette girl, the guy who looks like and definitely is a stoner, and the edgy guy whose hair is dyed half white and half red. You two are introduced and you learn that their names are Izuku Midoriya, Uchako Uraraka, Hanta Sero, and Shouto Todoroki. You learn that Sero and Kirishima became friends after getting stuck in the elevator together. You also learn that Uraraka is friends with Jirou and Midoriya and that’s how he and Todoroki ended up coming. Another thing you learn very fast is that Midoriya and Todoroki have fat crushes on each other, but apparently, they aren’t dating yet. It’s kind of cute watching how flustered they get with each other, honestly. You end up hanging out with all of them for the rest of the day, occasionally getting filmed by a UA Idol camera crew going around to catch what the contestants are doing on their days off. It was actually really fun. You got to know these new people and you really liked them, they were super cool. And it was a nice way to destress.

You never expected to make so many new friends, all from different places. This competition is giving more opportunities and friendships to you than you expected it to, but hey. You were NOT complaining about it. It was also funny to see the different dynamics everyone brought to this little hang out. Bakugou would call everyone and extra or a dumbass, but when it came to Kiri he was softer and somehow gentle with him. It was hilarious to hear him call Midoriya a piece of shit waste of space and then immediately go mom mode because Kirishima said something he ate made him feel a little bad. And then Midoriya was equally as hilarious. He was this cute little positive boy covered with freckles and smiles, but the minute that Bakugou would be rude he would somehow insult him on his biggest insecurities without batting an eye. You don’t know how he did it, but if it weren’t for Kirishima and Todoroki you’re pretty sure they would have gotten into a fist fight. Uraraka was very similar to Midoriya in that regard, whereas Todoroki was very bad at picking up social cues and kept a cool and calm demeanor through anything. Of course, Jirou and Denki were flirting the whole time, but the way she flirts is by being mean, which Denki lowkey loves. And Momo and Mina are getting along very well, they’re kind of exact opposites which makes them work nearly perfectly.

Just hanging out with them was ridiculously fun, and you really hoped that this wouldn’t be the last time. Based off of all of their performances that you had seen, they all would be able to get through to live shows. You just wondered if you would be able to pull of getting to the live shows. Luckily for you, every time you got lost in thought, Hitoshi would subtly squeeze your hand to pull you back into reality. At this point, you don’t know what you would do without him. And that scares you too. Not because of the growing feelings you have for him, because they aren’t there, duh, but because if he makes it through and you didn’t, you would have to go back to Japan without him. And that’s the worst thought because you know he’ll make it. And you know Mina and Denki will too. You’d like to believe you will, but will you really? Your phone suddenly buzzes, and you look at it to see a text from… Hitoshi?

‘kitten, the anxiety is radiating off of your body. just relax, okay? i know you’re nervous but everything will be okay, i promise. besides, everyone at this table is here for you and feeling the same nerves you are. for now, just try to relax and enjoy this time. oh, and i’m also buying your food. sorry not sorry’

You grin a bit, especially since immediately after you read it you feel your other hand get squeezed in reassurance. He really knew how to make you feel better. And even going into the next day, he was constantly reassuring and helping you. And you were doing the same for him. Soundchecks were now going on, and while you were nervous, you weren’t as nervous anymore. You had watched Mina go already, as well as Denki, Kiri, Bakugou, and Uraraka. Now, it was Hitoshi’s turn, which meant you were up there, singing harmonies with him. His soundcheck went really well, they set everything for him, and he was good to go after two runs of his song. Then you were up. Now don’t get it wrong, even though you were less nervous doesn’t mean you weren’t nervous at all. Quite the opposite, actually. You were still worried things would go wrong, but you know that if that’s a thing then it’ll get fixed. You just really care and want everything to be okay. And it was! Soundcheck went really well, the lighting show was great, your microphone was adjusted, the band knew exactly what to do, you knew exactly what to do everything went perfect! And you were very happy about it.

“I told you everything would be fine,” Hitoshi says to you after your soundcheck is over. You roll your eyes and stick your tongue out at him. “I can’t control my nerves sir.”

“I know, but I still told you everything would be fine. Do what you did today tomorrow, and you’re guaranteed a spot in the live shows.”

“Well, thank you, but you do know that same statement applies to you, too, right?”

“Mmmm, no I could have done better.”

“Hitoshi Shinsou, I swear to GOD.”

He laughs at your tone and the look on your face, putting his hands up in defeat. While the two of you were talking, Midoriya leaned over to Mina and asked the golden question that everyone wanted to know. “So, are they a thing?” “I wish I knew Midoriya,” she whispers, and Denki joins in. “They won’t let up on the idea that love is bullshit, so here they are, dating without actually dating and ignoring any and all assistance we try to give them.”

“Huh… is this what Todoroki and I are like?”

“Yes.” This time Uraraka butts in, sending Midoriya a glare. He instantly turns bright red, causing Denki to bite back a laugh. “Just ask him out, bro. You know he’ll say yes,” Denki says, patting him on the back. “Yeah! And that way, the three of you can join the groupchat we have devoted to spying on them and plotting to get them in a relationship!” Uraraka snaps her head towards Mina so fast that she probably should have gotten whiplash from it or something. “That’s a thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Why am I not in it yet?”

And that’s how Uraraka got in the group. But not Midoriya. He only got in after he asked Todoroki to be his boyfriend. Now there were two secret operations going on, and both parties were literally completely oblivious to everything going on between each other. Funny how that works.

For you and Hitoshi though, the focus was mainly on the competition. The final round of Hell Week was tomorrow, after all. No matter what happened, your lives were definitely about to change.

19 notes · View notes

arsenicvisionary-blog · 6 years ago

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after listening to house of wolves its dawned on me how big the difference is in your self-upbringing depending on music taste. whether or not you listened to MCR and had That Phase is such a character shaper like fuck me dude the difference between kids who listened to MCR vs not is so fucking huge????? wack

#shitposter speaks #mcr #if you look at the demographic is so different????#like the bridge between kids who were in the trinity and involved in all that #band edits and screencaps and concert videos #and mcr broke up and fob just doesnt get the screentime anymore #and p!atd is on its last legs #its all those years later and now were GAY and probably playing something chill #the kid playing mc with 10 dogs is the same kid chanting S-I-N years ago #its so fucking. astounding to me #a true character build tbh

0 notes

lovemesomesurveys · 3 years ago

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survey by n0b0dysp3rf3ct

—:: Who ::—

… was the last person you saw face to face?

My mom.

… was the last person you texted or messaged online? My aunt.

… was the last person who asked you for a favour? My mom earlier.

… was the last person you lent something to? I don’t recall.

… was the last person who told you a secret/confided in you? Probably my aunt.

… is the tallest person you know? My brother.

… the shortest person you know? Me, ha.

… your oldest (in years) friend? I don’t have any friends.

… is the oldest (in length of time) friend? --

… is your youngest friend? --

… is your newest friend? --

… is your closest relative? My mom and brother.

… was your favourite teacher? My 4th, who also ended up being my 8th, grade teacher.

… was your least favourite teacher? These two math professors I had at community college. They were really rude.

… did you spend the most time with when growing up? My parents, cousins, and grandparents.

… knows you the best? My mom. And ya’ll, ha.

… always beats you in games or sports? I don’t do a lot of competitive stuff, but let’s be real everyone would probably beat me cause I suck at everything.

… who is the most creative of the people you know? I have a few artistic and creative family members. I sadly did not get the gene.

… is the funniest person you know? My brother.

… is the most organised that you know? One of my aunts.

… that you know has travelled the most? My paternal grandparents and one of my uncles.

… has always been there for you? My family, especially my mom.

… has given you the most personal gift? What’s a personal gift, exactly?

… has an annoying laugh? *shrug*

… never forgets a birthday? I think I’m pretty good about that.

… do you live with? My parents, brother, and doggo.

…,do you have the most in common with? My mom and brother.

…is the sportiest person you know? My dad.

…was your last missed call? A spam call.

…did you last open your door for? Delivery person.

… has your heart? Me.

…do you share a special song with? No one.

…do you miss right now? I’ll always miss my loved ones who have passed away.

…last made you angry? Not sure about a who, but situations and circumstances lately have.

…did you last buy a gift for? My dad for Father’s Day.

…did you celebrate your last birthday with? My parents and brother.

…have you gone to a concert with? A former friend.

…can make you laugh? My family.

…has taught you how to do something? Teachers.

…has lost something of yours? Hmm.

…has broke your heart? A couple of people.

…has stood you up? Joseph.

:: What ::

...I

s your favourite colour?

...Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, yellow.

...Can you do that most your friends can’t? ---

...Is your birthday? July 28th, mark your calendars.

...Colour eyes do you have? Brown.

...Form of transport do you take to work/school? I don’t work/done with school.

...Music do you like to listen to in the car? My parents and brother each play their Spotify playlists in their cars, so I hear whoever’s playlist of the car I’m in.

...Languages can you speak? I’m only fluent in English, but I know a little Spanish. ...Was the last thing you drank? Water.

...Was the last thing you ate? 4 over-easy eggs, loaded hash browns (shredded cheese, country gravy, and onions), and toast with strawberry jam from Denny’s.

...Time did you wake up this morning? Around 8.

...Colour are your bedroom walls? White.

...Drink do you usually order when eating out? Coffee.

..Food can you cook well? Just ramen.

...Animals have you had for a pet? Doggos, fish, and a couple of hamsters.

...Are your initials? ---

...Kind of activities do you like to do on the weekends? I don’t do anything different.

...Movie do you know line by line? There’s a few.

...Band(s) have you seen in concert? I’ve seen several.

...Do you buy/get to treat yourself? Depends what I want.

...Colours your phone cover? It’s a clear one.

...Part of the world would you love to visit? I’d love to be able to travel all over.

...Subject were you good at in school? English.

...Careers do your parents have? My mom works at Walgreens and my dad works at a car repair shop.

...Brand of clothing do you buy most often? Most of my clothes are from Boxlunch, Hot Topic, and Kohl’s.

...Chocolate bar is your favourite? White chocolate.

...TV show have you watched every series of? There’s a ton.

...Radio station do you listen to the most? I haven’t listened to the radio for like 4-5 years now.

...Podcasts are you subscribed to? None.

...Is your favourite dessert? Milkshakes, ice cream, brownies, cheesecake, cookies, cupcakes, donuts, muffins.

...Can’t you do that most around you seem to? >> Function. <<<

...Are 5 qualities you value in a friend? Someone I can confide in, someone that’s easy to be around, good listener, loyal, understanding.

...Are 5 qualities you value in a partner? Patient, understanding, caring, good sense of humor, loyal.

...Size pizza do you usually order? It depends. If my family and I are all getting pizza, we usually get 2 mediums ad one of those are the toppings of my choosing and they’ll have some of that as well as the pizza of their choosing (I’m the picky one that’s why we get two, ha). If I’m just getting pizza then I’ll get a personal.

...Cuisine do you like to order or cook? I love Italian, Mexican, and Chinese food. I’m not a cook except for ramen.

...Colour(s) dominate your wardrobe? Black.

...Toothpaste brand do you use? Sensodyne.

...Sounds can you hear right now? ASMR video, my fans, and the TV.

...Is the weather like today? It’s currently 90F.

...Are your plans for tomorrow? Just another day.

:: Where ::

...

Do you keep your phone when not using it?

It’s usually always near me somewhere.

...Were you born? California.

...Do you go to unwind? My bed. And the beach when I’m able, which isn’t often. :( I wish I lived near one cause I’d be there a lot.

...Is your best friend right now? Work.

...Can you go nearby to have a good time? My city is lame.

...Is the nearest restaurant? Not even a 5 minute drive from my house.

...Is the nearest beach? About 2 1/2 hours away.

...Did you meet your closest friend? --

...Did you go for your last vacation? I went to Disneyland last year and it ended up being right before the pandemic and lockdown stuff happened. Like literally two weeks before.

...Is the nearest mall or superstore? About a 10 minute drive.

...Did you last get an injury? I don’t remember.

...Is the most extravagant place you’ve stayed at? I’ve stayed at nice hotels.

...Do most the local kids play? *shrug*

...Have you been with your family? Uhh, lots of places?

...Did you spend Christmas last year? At home.

...Did your parents grow up? My mom has lived here all her life and my dad moved around a bit coast to coast.

...Did you buy the shoes you’re wearing? I'm not wearing shoes, but no I didn’t buy the pair I last wore.

...Would you like to go right now if you could? Somewhere with cool weather and a beach.

...Do you miss the most from your childhood? Being a kid.

...Is the best restaurant you know? Wingstop.

...Will you never go again as it was so bad? I haven’t had that bad of a restaurant experience.

:: When ::

was your last vacation? ...February of last year.

…did you graduate? I graduated UC in 2015.

…did you decide what career you wanted? My freshman year of high school.

…did you have your first kiss? I was 16.

…did you learn how to swim? I haven’t.

…did you have your first relationship? 2005.

…did you meet your best friend? She’s my mo.

…do you feel the most at peace? At the beach is the closest I get to that.

…do you usually fall asleep? When the sun is almost rising or already has.

…do you usually wake up? Between like 9 and 12.

…did you last watch a movie? I saw A Quiet Place 2 a few weeks ago.

…did you last go to a party? A few weekends ago to my bro’s grad party.

…did you last cry? Yesterday. It’s a daily thing nowadays, at least once. Usually more.

…did you laugh really hard? I don’t remember.

…did you buy something pricey last? For Mother’s Day.

…did you have an argument last? Recently.

…did you last have a sick day? All the time?

…did you last recieve a hug? The other day.

…when is your best friend’s birthday? September.

…did you learn how to drive? I haven’t.

…did you last receive a surprise? I received a bad, unexpected one recently.

:: How ::

Many pets do you have?

One.

Many houses have you lived in? A few.

Often do you shower? About every 2-3 days.

Well can you cook? I only cook ramen.

Many close friends do you have? None.

Many Brothers or sisters do you have? I have two brothers.

Often do you go swimming? I don't.

Many times have you texted today? Zero.

Do you like your toast (colour, topping)? A light brown with butter or jelly.

Do you like your tea and/or coffee? I like a packet or two of sweetener with my tea and flavored cream or cream and sugar with my coffee.

Do you like to celebrate your birthdays? Just chill and lowkey.

Are you feeling today? Hot and tired and meh.

Serious are you about your career goals? I’m not even doing anything in regards to that as of now. I have no idea what I want to do and I can’t put the time, energy, focus, or effort to figure it out at this time. I’m dealing with and focusing on my health and can’t work right now anyway.

Many bedrooms in your house? 2 bedrooms.

Did you do in your school exams? I did well.

Close do you live to your parents? I live with my parents.

Close do you live to your siblings? I live with my younger brother and my older brother doesn’t live far away.

Sensitive to criticism are you? I’m sensitive, but it’s definitely gotten worse in recent years.

Motivated to make changes are you? That’s something I’ve been struggling with and it’s certainly doing me no favors. :/

Creative are you (1-10): I missed the creative gene.

Hard working are you (1-10): Not very much at all anymore. :/

Sporty are you (1-10): Not at all.

Musical are you (1-10): I don’t play any instruments. Do you prefer your eggs? Over-easy, scrambled, deviled, hard boiled.

Often do you go out to eat? I get takeout a lot. I just started going out to eat again recently, having been to Denny’s twice now in the past week. It’s a new tradition my mom and I are starting couple or so times a week when we go for a morning walk.

Would your best friend describe you? Meh.

Can someone cheer you up if you’re sad? It’s honestly better to just leave me alone.

Often do you meet up with your friends? ---

Important is religion to you? My faith is very important to me.

Old were you when you first stayed overnight from home? *shrug* I was a kid.

Old were you when you got your first pet? Like 3.

Tech savvy are you? Eh, I know some stuff.

Often do you cut your hair? It’s been over a year since the last time.

Often do you paint your nails? It’s been a few years since the last time.

Many countries have you visited? Just one apart from my own.

Boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Two.

:: Why ::

… did you choose your username?

Cause I love me some surveys. ‘Nuff said.

… did you take this survey? I wanted to.

… did you choose the career you did? I don’t have one.

…did you last leave the house? My mom and I took our walk this morning and stopped to have breakfast along the way.

…did you last give up on something? I gave up on myself in a lot of ways the past few years and I’ve paying for it.

…did you search the last thing you searched? I was looking up how many miles away something was for one of the questions.

…would you give up on someone completely? I did that easily with myself, but it would take a lot to do that with someone else.

:: If…::

You could live in any country which would you choose?

I’ll just stay here.

You could choose any animal as a pet which one? I like having doggos.

You could be famous for something what would you like? >> I don't want to be famous. <<<

You are sad, how do you combat it? >> I am sad almost all the time lately, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not something to "combat", I'm not trying to be in a fucking battle with myself and I'm tired of that rhetoric. I just wish I was less sad. I can't be less sad. But I wish I could. <<<

You can drive when did you learn? --

You could have any job what would it be? I don’t knowwww.

You could go anywhere for a vacation where would you go? Somewhere far away with a nice beach.

You could eat anything right now what would it be? I just put in my Doordash order for Wingstop.

You wrote a book what genre/topic would it be? Murder mystery/psychological thriller.

You had a theme song what would it be? *shrug*

You could meet any band/singer in person which one? Hmm.

You could act in any movie which would it be? No thanks.

You get married what venue would you like? I don’t want to get married.

If you have kids do you have names picked out? I don’t want kids.

Could describe your dream home what would it be like? Spacious enough for 4 adults and a doggo, near a beach, hardwood floor, big backyard with patio deck, pizza oven, grill, deck, nice sitting and eating area, pool, and a balcony.

You could go back in time what would you change? I’d take better care of myself.

Could use 3 words to describe your childhood which ones? Good, fun, memorable.

Could get the answer to any question which question would you choose? I don’t know cause if it’s bad I don’t wanna know.

You could have an endless supply of something what would it be? Money.

Meet anyone who no longer lives who’d you choose? Chester Bennington.

:: Can ::

… you ride a bike?

No.

… you ski? No.

… you bake a cake? >> I'm sure I could wing a box cake. <<< Yeah, that’s all I do. I’m not in there whipping stuff up from scratch.

… you sing well? Nope.

… you do your own taxes? >> I don't do taxes, I don't earn a taxable income. <<<

… you remain calm in a crisis? I tend to freak out.

… you do first aid? No.

… remember your best friend’s family members’ names? They’re my family, too.

… you fire a gun? I’ve only done it once when I went to a shooting range with some friends a few years ago. I didn’t want to do more than that.

… your parents drive? Yes.

…your best friend dance well? She doesn’t like to dance.

…you make people laugh easily? I don’t think I’m funny. I’ll have my moments now and then and I own that shit when it happens haha but it’s at random.

…stand up for yourself? I’m not great a that. I’m too shy, too awkward, suck at expressing myself, and don’t like confrontation.

…you do a martial art? No.

:: Would ::

You like to learn a new language?

I’d like to be fluent in Spanish. I only know some.

Save the life of a stray animal? If I could help in some way.

Know what to do if there was a hurricane? >> Not entirely, because I've never lived in a hurricane-prone area. <<< Me either, thankfully.

Try a new cuisine? If it sounded good to me. I’m very picky and particular with food.

Risk your life for anyone? My loved ones.

You like to get back in touch with someone? Ideally, but it’s not ideal right now.

You drive in the middle of the night to get a stuck friend? I don’t drive so I wouldn’t be any help. I could call them an Uber, though.

You Know how to perform CPR? No.

You likely win in a game of chess? Nope, I don’t even know how to play.

You stop talking for a day for $100? Yeah.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #categories #long survey

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damnthoseyes · 5 years ago

Text

Dinero Tiene Cualquiera (Part 2)

A/N: So, months ago, I wrote a piece called Dinero Tiene Cualquiera. I’ve wanted to write a sequel for a while but haven’t been able to for a while. The nagging from @singing-and-humming & @assassin-canary has pushed me though so here it is. I hope you enjoy it! It’s long. As always, please do let me know what you think! I love comments! More Maluma coming right up xx

Words: 2k

It's been 2 weeks since you last saw him. 2 weeks since the kiss that still made you smile to yourself whenever you thought about it. But you haven't seen him nor heard from him since.

Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he regretted it. Maybe he decided it was better for the both of you if you didn't take it any further.

Try as you might, you couldn't convince yourself it was for the best. You couldn't just let any of your feelings go. Regardless of how you felt about him romantically, he was still your best friend. Not having him around still left a hole in your heart.

You missed having someone to turn to when things went well or badly; someone who could make you laugh easily; someone who could get your mind off your problems for a minute.

Radio silence never helped anyone.

You got yourself ready for the day, intending to run some errands that you had put on the back burner for a while. You pulled on your shoes, grabbed your bag and keys and unlocked the front door, stopping yourself before you slammed into someone on your doorstep. Your eyes focused on his shoes for a second before you looked up at his startled eyes. He scratched the back of his neck and mumbled a "hey".

You stepped back a little until you were level with the doorframe. "Long time, no see." You crossed your arms over your chest and waited for him to speak.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I've been out here a while, getting the nerve to knock." Juan Luis looked as nervous as you had ever seen him. Fidgeting with his car keys, looking around and unable to stay still.

You creased your eyebrows. "How long?"

He sighed. "10 minutes, easy."

"Scared of little old me?"

He smirked. "Hey, you can be scary when you want to be."

You pointed at yourself and gave him a shocked expression. "Me? Never!"

He smiled, visibly relaxing. "Can we talk?"

You swallowed. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you knew what was coming and truthfully didn't know if you were ready for it. "Umm sure, do you want to come in?" You stepped aside, gesturing for him to pass by.

He looked behind him and turned back to you. "Actually, do you want to go for a walk?"

You nodded and put your bag down by the door. You stepped out, closed the front door behind you and locked it, turning back to his extended hand. You raised your eyebrows, staring at it for a while before taking it and letting it drop between the two of you as you walked down the driveway and turned onto the street.

You walked in silence for what felt like forever. You had so many questions but you didn't want to push him. He never responded well to that. He had to start on his own terms.

Then you had enough.

"Are you actually gonna talk or are we just walking around the block?"

He smiled and looked down at the concrete before turning to you. "I'm trying to figure out where to start."

You rolled your eyes. "You know I can't wait around for 20 years, right?"

"Is 20 minutes alright with you?"

"Nope, start talking."

He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, I'm sure you heard by now."

You looked at him confused. "Heard what?"

"That we broke up?"

You raised your eyebrows. "I had not heard that."

"Well, now you know."

You came closer to him and wrapped your free hand around his forearm, rubbing it gently. "Are you ok?"

He sighed. "I'm ok now, I wasn't then."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"Because I had a lot to think about and most of it was about you."

You looked away from him, releasing his forearm and putting your hand in your pocket. "Like what?"

"Like how I felt and what I wanted. She just said some things that really got to me, you know?"

You squeezed his hand slightly when he looked down. You hated seeing him like this. "What happened?"

You turned the corner and saw him looking around at the trees. It felt like an hour before he spoke. "When I left your place, I drove to hers. I thought about what you said and you were right, I had to just-"

"Bite the bullet? Rip off the Band-Aid?”

His face was motionless. "Claro. So, I did. Walked right in there and said 'I want to break up'." He gestured forward and looked into the distance.

"How did she take that?"

He raised his eyebrows, cocked his head and scoffed. “Not well."

"Ouch." You bit your lip, trying to hide a smile.

"She started screaming 'this is bullshit', 'I love you', 'how could you do this to me' blah blah blah." He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "Told you breaking up with girls wasn't easy."

You scoffed and shook your head. He slowed down near a low brick fence and sat down. You stood in front of him, not letting go of his hand.

"Then she turned around and said 'it's her isn't it?' and I wasn't listening by that point so I got confused." He scratched at his beard before continuing. "I was like 'que?' and she goes 'crees que soy un idiota? That pendeja you call a friend.'"

You damn near screamed at that point. "Oh, fuck that bitch!" You exclaimed, letting go of his hand and starting to walk away, ready to hit someone.

"Babe! No! Dónde se vas?" He ran to catch up to you, took your shoulder and stopped you in your tracks as he circled around you, taking in your furious expression.

"She does not get to talk shit about me and get away with it!" You moved to walk around him but he put his other hand on your other shoulder and held you in place.

"I'm not gonna let you hit her."

"Why not?!"

"Because she's the type to call the cops. It's not worth it."

You huffed, anger steaming out of you and crossed your arms over your chest, turning your head to look at the passing cars. "What else did she say?"

He sighed. "She said she knew there was something else going on. She said 'do you really think she can make you happy?'"

"What did you say?" You still didn't meet his eyes.

"I told her 10 minutes with you made me happier than a week with her."

You looked down and smiled, burying your face in your hands. He used two fingers to tilt your chin upwards, smiling as you met his eyes. "Then what?"

His smile faded. "Then she asked me why I stayed with her for so long."

You searched his eyes. His eyebrows were knitted and his lips pursed. He let his large hands fall down your arms, his fingers intertwining with yours as he turned around and tugged you to keep walking.

"What did you say?" Your voice had lost all its strength, now small and shy. You had asked him the same thing that day but you knew sex wasn't the only answer. Surely, he needed more out of a relationship.

"I didn't have an answer. I still don't have an answer. Fear? Settling for second best? Trying to convince myself it could work? No sè."

You stayed silent for a minute and just walked. The cool breeze had turned into a chill but you didn't care. He was so warm, nothing else mattered. You turned another corner. He reached up to a nearby tree and pulled a leaf off a branch, flipping it over again and again.

"Was that made you think so much?" You were scared to ask but just had to know.

"That," he threw the leaf to the side. "And when she asked me if how I felt was worth ruining something I held dear now."

You inhaled sharply. This was what kept you up at night. What had been floating around your mind for the past two weeks.

You licked you lips and swallowed. "And what was your decision." You stopped walking but he kept going, turning back to see why you stopped. You pointed to your house and he nodded stepping back towards you.

"Listen I-"

You cut him off, letting go of his hand and raising yours in surrender. "Listen, I get it. It's not worth it. It's cool. I'm not gonna force you into anything. I'm not her. Let's just pretend the last two weeks never happened." You started walking up your driveway towards the front door. "Everything will just go back to normal."

"I decided it was, by the way," he called after you. You turned around, eyebrows creased, eyes squinting. "Worth it, I mean."

You stomped down the driveway until you were right in front of him and pushed his shoulder. "Then why'd you give me the silent treatment?!" He had done most of the talking this whole time, now you were gonna let him have it. "Why did you leave me alone for weeks wondering if I made a mistake?!"

You moved to push him again but he caught your wrist, giving you a stern look.

"Ok, ow! You're stronger than you think, you know that?" You struggled out of his grasp but he held on tight.

"Answer the question, Juan Luis."

He mocked surprise and put a hand to his neck before getting serious again. "Because I know you. I knew if I came knocking on your door that night, you'd tell me to piss off because I'm on the rebound or something." He let your arm go and cupped your cheek. "You wouldn't have believed I was genuine if I didn't wait a little while. To grieve or whatever." He rolled his eyes and shook his head, smiling for the first time in a while.

You crossed your arms over your chest. Sometimes you really hated how well he knew you. "Well, have you 'grieved'?" You tried mocking his accent and pouted your lips, hiding your smile while he shook his head slowly.

"Yep. Totally over it." His thumb grazed over your cheekbone as he smiled down at you.

You sighed. "You could've called. I hate that you went through that alone."

"I wasn't alone and I was fine! You worry too much." You shook your head and glared at him. "I did it for us, baby!" He raised his voice dramatically and stuck out his chest, looking out in the distance, acting like a total idiot. You turned your head to the side, doubled over and gagged, standing upright when you heard him laugh.

"You have much on for today?" He asked, his voice low and smooth as he calmed down.

"I have some errands to run." You made a face at him and rolled your eyes.

"Well, what are you doing tonight?"

"Busy. Friend's birthday."

He huffed. "Okay, what about tomorrow?"

"What about tomorrow?"

"Wanna hang out? Get something to eat?" You raised your eyebrows. "I'm trying to ask you out here."

You let out a laugh. Making him nervous was going to be your new hobby. "I'm only free in the afternoon."

"I'll take it." He slipped his hand around the back of your neck, bent his head down and rested his forehead on yours, taking a deep breath. He quickly kissed you on the cheek and murmured "ciao, baby" before turning away and fishing his car key out his pocket.

You watched him open the door, wink at you and slide in, turning the car on and reversing out of your driveway. You started walking back to the house before turning back to watch him drive down the street, letting a smile creep onto your face.

#maluma #maluma imagine #maluma one shot #maluma fluff #juan luis londoño arias #writings #yeah it sucks

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calteahood · 6 years ago

Text

How to Fall in Love {Calum Hood}

Rating: PG 13 (some swearing!)

Word Count: 9k

Author’s Note: Well, here it is! I’ve spent a while creating this and I’ve dealt with quite a bit lately, but it was finally time to post it. I hope you guys enjoy this, and any feedback would mean a lot to me! Enjoy xx

It starts with sex.

Sex and stupidity.

At twenty years old, it's human nature to make stupid mistakes. Except this one would last a lifetime.

Iris read the little pink stick that showed all the signs of positive, even though she knew deep down she was pregnant no matter what the stick said. A period that late wouldn't lie. She was still in community college and working an unpaid internship at a studio closer to downtown LA. Most importantly, she wasn't married nor did she have a stable life. She was in a casual relationship, living in a cheap apartment, taking the bus to work or getting driven by Eddie.

And of course, there was Eddie himself. Iris and Eddie loved each other, that's why they were dating in the first place. But, they weren't in love. No, if they were then they wouldn't be so casual with their relationship. They enjoyed each other's company, worked well as friends in general, and liked loving each other during the nights. They were fine with the labels because they were actually dating, but they knew that someday they would marry other people. Eddie was a good man, graduated from college and even set Iris up with the internship. That's how they met; they both wanted to work in music. Eddie was already working, being 24 years old, almost 25. He was a sweetheart to set up the internship in the first place. Ever since then, they were connected.

Except now, the connection was going to become a lot more real, and neither of them were prepared.

Iris sighed and put the stick into a plastic sandwich bag, shoving it in her purse. She was already late for work. She meant to meet Eddie and her boss, Matt, at 10:30 in the morning, as a band was coming by to start producing their next record. She hadn't been working at the studio long enough to work with them, typically working for solo acts, and at the rate, she was running she would not be able to make a good impression on the band members, or her boss. She messaged Eddie, saying she would be a few minutes late due to an emergency, and got an Uber. Iris was thankful for financial aid; for being able to receive enough for school, rent, bills, groceries, and a bit extra for times like this.

She rushed into the building twenty minutes late, struggling to pull her unbrushed hair into a bun to look at least somewhat presentable. She pressed the elevator button for the seventh floor, preparing in her head what she would say to Eddie. He needed to know right away, and they needed to figure their shit out.

“Eddie, we need to talk— no!” Iris rehearsed. “Hey, I found out something… no, that's stupid. Eddie, I'm pregnant. No, too blunt, fuck—” Ding. Before she knew it, the elevator doors opened and she had to face the music. She would rather not have to face it in front of her boss and four musicians she's never met, but it had to be done and there was no time left.

Iris quickly walked into the studio room, opening the door to Eddie and Matt adjusting the sound, three men on the couches laughing, and the fourth man holding an acoustic guitar behind the glass. All eyes went to her, except for the man in the sound booth.

“Look who finally decided to show up,” Matt teased. “Come and sit, we're just getting started. You can help me out over here.” But Eddie was already walking towards Iris, a look of worry on his face.

“Hey, love,” he quietly said, “are you okay? What was the emergency?”

Iris started to dig in her purse, finding the plastic bag with the stick and gripping it tightly, but not pulling it out yet. She turned to Matt. “I'm sorry I'm late, I had a bit of a medical emergency. Do you mind if I talk to Eddie privately, please? It'll only be a couple of minutes, I swear!”

Matt raised an eyebrow. He had a child of his own, and he remembers how only two years ago his wife was nervous and trying to tell him, “Hey, I'm pregnant!” He knew she was about to tell Eddie something that would change his life. He couldn't tell her no, even if she was late to work. He nodded. “Go ahead, but don't take too long!”

“You got it, boss!” She grabbed Eddie's hand with her free one and pulled him out into the hallway.

Instead of saying anything to her boyfriend, she pulled out the stick and placed it in his palm. Fuck it, might as well just put it all out there. “So, this is mine. The stick, I mean.”

Eddie's face was pale, eyes wide. “You're pregnant?” Iris nodded. “With an actual baby?” Eddie asked. Iris nodded once again, this time with a roll of her eyes.

She sighed. “I'm pregnant, Ed. I don't know what happened, if I missed a pill or the condom broke, but my period is late and I doubt the stick is wrong.”

This time, Eddie was the one nodding. “Well… fuck. What do we do?” he asked.

Iris shrugged, only knowing one option for the time being. “Well, first we need to book an appointment for an ultrasound. Figure out for an absolute fact that there's something growing in me, then we decide from there.”

Eddie was already grabbing his phone out, ready to book you an appointment for whatever doctor she needed. “We'll figure this out, love. We will.” He wrapped his free arm around her, the stick still tightly held in his fist, and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I hope we do, Ed. I hope we do.”

•••

“So, you're about four weeks along. There are options, love.”

Iris gripped the steering wheel, offering to drive Eddie's car. She needed a distraction after that appointment, and a phone in her hand wasn't going to cut it. Honestly, she didn't know what she wanted to do. She was pro-choice, but she personally wouldn't terminate the pregnancy, so that was out. There was adoption of course, but Iris always wanted to be a mom, she just pictured it being later on in life. Could she really carry a baby for nine months only to give it away?

“I'm not sure…” Iris mumbled, staring at the road as she drove back to her place. “I think… I think we need to talk about us, Ed.”

“I know,” he murmured. “I… I know, love.”

“I have a question, and please answer honestly. You weren't ever planning on marrying me, right?” There it was, out in the open. She already knew his answer. Hell, it was the same as her own.

He shook his head. “No, I wasn't. I thought this was casual—”

“Well so did I,” Iris cut in.

Eddie sighed. “Calm down, love. There's a way to figure this out. If we break up, there are still options. My parent's co-parented me and I turned out fine! I'll always love you, and if we have this baby then I'm going to love it too, but that doesn't mean we have to be married with a white picket fence outside our house.”

Iris huffed, pulling into the parking lot for her building. As she put the car in park and unbuckled she turned to her boyfriend. “So this is it?”

Eddie chuckled, grabbing onto her hand. “With you? Never. I'm going to be a dad! You're going to be stuck with me forever.”

•••

Iris cursed the world for her morning sickness. Well, more so morning and afternoon and night sickness. She started her day with being bent over the toilet, throwing up. She was almost six weeks along now, and she wished time went by faster. Once again, she was rushing to get to work. It was Friday, thank goodness, and Matt was throwing a party to kick off the weekend and celebrate how the recording session with the band had been going.

Iris was nervous to be working with four, intimidating men, but she quickly found out they were nothing to be afraid of. When she found out 5 Seconds of Summer would be working with their studio her palms immediately got sweaty. They were an award-winning band, all tall and strong musicians. How could she not be sweaty? But, they turned out to be giant dorks and Iris was grateful. Plus, with her and Eddie officially on the “just friends” title (who are going to have a baby, no big deal) and her belly not big yet, she thought this would be the perfect time to flirt with the drummer.

Honestly, watching Ashton that day made her forget about the morning sickness from earlier in the day. His biceps straining the sleeves of his tee shirt, forehead covered in a thin sheet of sweat. He was a beast, and Iris was infatuated with the handsome man.

Until he walked into the party with a girl on his arm.

“He has a girlfriend?” Iris hissed as Eddie, who only laughed. Iris had a water bottle in her hand, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't think about chucking it at him.

Eddie took a sip from his cup. “I could've told you that! Plus, I'm hurt! Moving on that fast, I see?” Eddie then clutched at his heart as if his feelings were truly hurt.

If Iris had a penny for every time she rolled her eyes at the man, she'd have enough to pay for diapers for a whole month. “As if we weren't checking people out while we were together.”

“True. Aren't you lucky we have this baby to keep us bonded for life?”

This time, Iris actually swatted Eddie's chest. “Don't joke about that! Babies are serious.”

He laughed again. “We have time to prepare, Iris. Chill out.”

She was about to make a comment back, but Calum and Michael walked towards them with a smile on their faces. They pulled the two into a hug. “How're you guys doing tonight?” Michael asked.

“Great,” Eddie said, “and yourselves?”

The two musicians wore smiles, probably buzzed and having a fun time. “We’re good, man. Came over and saw that Iris needed a drink,” Calum replied. He bumped his elbow with hers and offered her his extra red cup as if he made the spare drink just to give to her. When he noticed both hers and Eddie’s eyes widen a bit, he took a step back. “What’s wrong? You don’t drink or somethin’?”

Before the awkward mess of a girl could think of a response, not wanting to even say the word pregnant around that many people, Eddie cut in. “She’s my DD for the night.” He threw an arm around her shoulders as she clutched her water bottle.

Calum’s shoulders fell, but he nodded in understanding despite the disappointment. “Alright, well we’ll leave you guys be.” With that, Calum turned and walked out to the backyard, Michael following behind him. “I thought they broke up? Or stopped hooking up, whatever it was?” Calum blabbered on while Michael took a sip of his drink, his gaze stopping at the pool where his girl was talking to her friends.

“You know,” Michael started, “they could just be close friends? You heard them tell Matt they weren’t dating anymore, had some stuff goin’ on. Doesn’t mean it was a bad breakup.”

“But his arm was—”

“Dude, we hug and hold each other’s girlfriends all the time! It doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with Ashton’s woman. They’re friends, that’s very clear. Just go up and talk to her, I’m sure she’d be interested in talking to you.”

Calum finished what was in his own cup before beginning to drink from the extra one he had made. “You’re right, Mike. I’ll talk to her.”

Michael patted him on the shoulder. “Good, and now if you’ll excuse me...” With that, he walked over to the pool, slinging his arm around his fiancee.

Calum looked down at his full cup, and with an annoyed sigh, he tossed it and his empty one away. His gaze stayed on Iris, watching as she spoke to one of the interns from the floor under hers at work. Calum couldn’t help but watch, really. He had thought Iris was drop dead gorgeous the moment she rushed into the studio just weeks ago. Finding out she was single was the best news he had heard all week. No offense to Eddie, but Calum wanted so desperately to invite Iris over for dinner and a movie or two on the couch before, hopefully, moving towards the bedroom. The party was supposed to be his shot; ask Iris out and show the pretty girl a good time! He just was not expecting to see Iris and Eddie so close, and it stung a bit.

He watched when Eddie finally disappeared from her side and he said fuck it. If he was going to ask her out, might as well do it now. The worst that could happen is she says no. He left the conversation with his roommate and Luke to make his way to Iris, who was grabbing more water from the kitchen. As he approached closer, he saw her bend over to grab a bottle from the bottom of the fridge, eyes almost glued to the curve of her ass. She stood back up, closing the door and turning to face the bassist.

“Fuck!” Iris gasped, hand moving to her chest, feeling her heart race. “You scared me!”

Calum chuckled, but his palms were sweaty due to nerves. I’m going to scare her off before I even have a chance. “Shit, I’m sorry. Just wanted to come and say hi.”

As her breathing settled, she let out a laugh. “Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you to be there. But, hi! Shit, I mean, what’s up?” Iris stumbled with her words, feeling her stomach begin to bubble. Her throat burned for a moment, but she tried to ignore the feeling she’d gotten used to over the weeks.

“Well, I just wanted to see if…” Calum cut off his sentence, seeing Iris’s face scrunch up in disgust as one hand held her stomach and the other covered her mouth.

“Fuck, sorry, excuse me!” Iris mumbled through her fingers before pushing past him and fast walking to the closest open restroom. She kicked the door closed, trying as fast as possible to kneel over the toilet. She used one hand to brace herself over the toilet seat and the other to hold her hair back.

She faintly heard the sound of the door opening. Then she felt warm hands wrap around her hair. She would have been scared shitless if it wasn’t for the faint voice telling her, “Woah woah, you’re okay.” As awkward as it was that Calum Hood, the man she didn’t know well, came to her rescue, she did not push him away as she continued throwing up.

Twenty minutes later she was swishing around mouth wash that she found in the cabinets and Calum was making sure the toilet seat was clean. Iris leaned down and spat out the mouth wash. “Thank you, Calum,” she whispered, her body still shaking from how sick she felt just minutes ago.

Calum shook his head. “Don’t mention it. As long as you’re feeling better.” He moved to the sink in order to wash his hands and Iris made room for him.

Finally looking up to see him, she groaned. He was handsome. Really handsome. But she was also really, definitely pregnant and she couldn’t get through talking to him without getting sick. She needed to come to terms with the fact that the party scene, chatting with beautiful men and having hookups could no longer be her world. “I am… I should probably get going.” She pulled out her phone, opening her Uber app.

Calum cocked an eyebrow, drying his hands off on his pants and turning to her. “I thought you were Eddie’s driver?” His head was spinning instantly. Was he lied to because Eddie didn’t want anyone talking to her? Or, did Eddie make that up because Iris was uncomfortable next to the bassist? Before he could say anything else, Iris spoke up, gaze still on her phone.

“He’s just got shit runnin’ out of his mouth. I don’t even have a car.”

Calum’s head snapped up from her phone to her face. “What?”

She looked at him, sighing. “He just didn’t want me drinking, that’s all.”

“Are you sick? Or—”

Iris confirmed her Uber, which said it would be there in ten minutes. “No,” she said. “I just… look, can I trust you?” Her question took him by surprise, but he nodded. “I’m serious, if Matt finds out I might lose my internship.” Again, he nodded. “I… so, you know Matt and I broke up, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said quickly.

“Well, we weren’t really in love, but we have this problem and… and he’s just being a protective friend.” Iris held her belly, fearing that telling someone would make her feel sick again. The only ones who knew were her parents and Eddie’s. Was it weird to tell Calum? Then again, he did help hold her hair back as she was throwing up. He’s obviously a good guy. “I’m… pregnant.”

His eyes widened. He coughed a bit, stammering, “Wow, that’s um… a lot.”

And Iris looked at his bulging eyes, and she giggled. What a boy, she thought. She smirked, “Yeah, it’s kinda a lot. Still want to chat me up after hearing that?”

If his eyes weren’t already open wide at her first statement, they’d grow in a heartbeat. “How’d you know?”

She laughed. “You wouldn’t just hold my hair back if you don’t care about me to an extent.”

He shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “Fair point. Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I didn’t realize.”

“No no no,” she rushed to say, “you’re fine! I’m not showing or anything, you didn’t know. It’s okay. Plus, you came in here to help even though I was puking my guts out. I think I’m not ready to hook up or have any dates, I mean obviously the baby didn’t like me talking to someone,” she teased, and they both chuckled. “But,” she continued, “I appreciate the kindness, and just so you know, if I was able to drink I would’ve taken that extra cup from you.”

Calum smirked, feeling like maybe he was getting somewhere. A sudden burst of confidence ran through the man. “Well, will you take my number instead?” Iris gave him a look, but a smile was on her lips. “Not so I can try to get at you,” he confirmed was a laugh. “Just in case you need a friend again.”

Iris’s phone buzzed in her pocket, signaling to her that her Uber was here. She pulled out her phone, handing it over to Calum so he could type in his number. He sent himself a message, ensuring the text went through, and he gave her phone back.

“I'll text you, Calum. Thank you again for helping me out tonight.” And with that, she left the restroom.

Calum and Iris began to talk a lot more, making conversation during recording sessions and texting frequently. Calum would send pictures of his dog, and in return, he’d get “baby bump” photos, even though Iris was hardly able to show yet. The grew close, and Calum was thankful. He met her, thinking she was a hot young girl who would be fun to hang out with and even more fun to have sex with. But, the universe has a funny way of showing him what’s more important because after that night at the party she wasn’t just a girl he wanted to hook up with. She was a smart, strong, beautiful woman who had the world on her shoulders. She was so much more than what he thought she would be, and Calum was proud to call her a friend.

That’s what Iris needed, too. A friend. She was expecting to end the party on Ashton’s arm, but instead, she got Calum’s hands holding her hair back and his number in her phone. She was happy to have him as a close friend, especially with how crazy life can turn out to be. She wasn’t expecting him to be her rock, but sometimes people don’t get what they want.

•••

When falling in love, there is heartbreak and pain. It's a given. Though, typically it's those who are in a relationship that feel the pain. Instead, it was Calum and Iris.

He wasn't expecting to be the first person she'd call in a moment like that. He'd be lying if he said she'd be his first phone call. He had to push his feelings aside and just be a friend, a supportive one during her pregnancy. With his crush on her now faded away, he would easily call Ashton, Luke, or Michael. If his sister wasn't in a different country, he'd call her too.

But Iris didn't have many other friends. She went to school and worked, and then when the semester ended she worked and slept. She stopped going out, and no one messaged her to invite her to places anymore. She only had Eddie, Matt, and the boys in the band. That is, until she didn't.

He got the call at two in the morning. The cell phone woke Duke up first, and he let out a few small barks. After a few rings, Calum finally picked up his phone, and seeing that the caller ID said 'Iris Miller's he answered quickly. He was expecting her excited voice, begging him to pick her up for some late night In N Out, even though she claimed she didn't like the place. Maybe she needed someone to go with her to an appointment the next day due to Eddie canceling on her. Her twelve-week appointment was coming up, and she was excited that she was finally going to be ready to share her pregnancy news with everybody. Maybe, just maybe, she called him because she was so excited and needed to share her excitement.

What Calum wasn't expecting when he answered was Iris hyperventilating, struggling to get the words out. “Eddie's dead.”

And he froze. What was happening? What was going on?

He finally managed to get out a couple words, hearing Iris's heartbreak on the other line. “Iris, what's going on? Breathe, in and out, in and out, and tell me what happened.”

Her hands were shaking as she sat on the hospital floor, her back against the hallway wall. She stuttered her words, her mind unable to wrap about what had happened only an hour ago. “He— he went out— I don't know if it was a date or hanging out with friends, I don't know! And he walked into the gas station by his apartment, Cal, fuck— he was so close to home and…” Iris inhaled deeply, feeling like she was going to throw up.

As soon as she began to speak, though, Calum sprang out of bed. He pulled on sweats and a hoodie, slipping his feet into Vans and lacing them up as fast as he could while the held the phone between his shoulder and his cheek. He couldn't process her first sentence, “Eddie's dead.” All he knew is that Iris was panicking; she needed a friend, and Calum assured her that he could be that friend for her.

Eddie's parents and step-parents were down the hall, crying, speaking to doctors, making phone calls of their own, and mourning the loss of their only son. His sisters were on their way from their own homes, one living an hour away and the other living in LA, closer to the beach. But Iris had no one as she curled herself up on the floor. She called her parents, but they were a three-hour drive away and were fast asleep, unable to answer their phones.

She took deep breaths once again, trying to calm her breathing while her shaking hands only got more unsteady. “He walked into the gas station, Cal, and there were only two people; the man at the register and another man, holding a gun, Cal. He walked into a robbery, Cal, a fucking robbery! And he should have tried to back out slowly, but he grabbed his phone instead! He called the police and all they heard when they picked up was a fucking gunshot! He was dead by the time I got here, I— I didn't even get to say goodbye, Cal! He's gone and I have his baby and he's fucking gone.”

Calum slipped into his car, leaving Duke to stay at home with his roommate. The number of times she said his name, it's as if she was trying to stay grounding, remind herself that he's there with her.

“Iris, hey,” he said softly, starting his car. “Tell me where you are and I'll be there, okay? Just breathe for me, and I'm on my way.”

She nodded to herself. He's there, he's coming to help. “Okay, yeah. I’m at the hospital, I'll send you the address if you need it. I'll tell you where I'm at when you get here. Just… don't hang up, please,” Iris begged, her voice so low, so quiet. Calum had never heard her so defeated before within the few months they'd been friends.

True to his word, he stayed on the line until he got there, helping her keep her breathing steady. When he finally made it to the hospital he jogged inside and tried his best to get to the floor she was on as swiftly as possible.

Calum found her against the wall, two people that looked just like the man who passed at the other end of the hall. They looked at each other and Calum immediately sat down next to her, pulling her into his arms. Together they sobbed, reality hitting Calum like a train. Eddie, who'd been a friend of his since recording began, was gone too soon. But what hurt more was that he left behind a child, and Calum was at a loss on how to pick up the pieces.

•••

Iris's pregnancy was supposed to be a wonderful time where her and Eddie prepared to bring a baby into the world and give them a sea of opportunities. Instead, she was alone. She didn't have a pregnancy glow and didn't post pictures of her sonogram photos to let the world know she was expecting. She wasn't loving pregnancy like she was supposed to; no, she wasn't loving anything at all.

Eddie’s death made her feel like she was in purgatory. Due to being pregnant, she had to keep on going for the baby's sake. Though, she was just going through the motions. She felt like a part of her was missing, which to an extent was true. The baby was part him, and the baby was now fatherless.

Her heart was conflicted. She wasn't in love with Eddie, but he was a good and sweet man who was gone too soon. Gone before he could meet his own child. It was unfair, and it made Iris feel numb. She got to the point where she wouldn't want to think of the baby. She was supposed to find out the gender of the baby over the upcoming week, but she made no appointments and showed no interest within the baby. She was no longer living, she was merely existing.

News of her pregnancy spread after the funeral, and she was thankful it was never brought up during the service. Calum told the boys and the people at the studio that Iris was expecting, knowing all too well that she would make no move to speak of it. Michael was too upset by the recent events to crack a joke or two about the pregnancy considering Calum's former crush. Ashton was silent more often than not. They took time away from the studio. But Calum tried to visit Iris, considering they would not be seeing each other at work. It was weird; Calum didn't see them as too close, and then all of a sudden she relied on him and he vowed to be her crutch. He loved it, really, but he was worried about what was to come as the pregnancy furthered. He worried about her health and the baby's health, because Iris wasn’t taking care of herself after the passing. He also worried because she was going through her pregnancy without the father, and the baby would have to suffer that within a few months. He never wanted that to happen, not to Iris or her child.

Calum watched as Iris hid herself from the world. He knew for damn sure she wasn't taking care of herself. Her mother was worried about her, and she all but begged her to come back home and live with them during their latest phone conversation. But Iris clung onto Calum tighter. He didn't know why he was the one she attached herself to after the accident, but he would never turn her away. He was just worried.

Eventually, the guys would be going on a small promotional tour, and he feared leaving her in California. The boys understood, to a fault. They knew Calum wouldn't love her like a boyfriend would, and desperately hoped he wouldn't revisit his crush for her considering the fact that she was carrying a baby and a lot of emotional baggage, two things the boys did not want Calum to take on. Though, they also became her friends throughout the recording process, and then even more as she spent time with Calum. They knew that Iris somewhat attached herself to him long before she lost Eddie. Ashton figured she hadn't had someone around to be a friend for a while, and when Calum presented himself as a good option at the party, she slowly but surely hung on to the man.

Calum was stressed, thinking that while he was gone maybe she wouldn't take care of herself, or her baby. He felt like he already had to force her to watch over her body and the new life growing inside it half the time. He honestly could not recall the last time she even mentioned the word, “baby.”

Finally, it was time for her 20-week appointment; an appointment she wasn't even planning on attending. She cried in the shower, thinking about how today was supposed to be the day they would find out if they were having a bouncing baby boy or a gorgeous little girl. Only now, there was no they, only Iris was left. Or so, she thought, until she opened the door to leave her place and catch the bus to the appointment. There stood Calum, his face covered with a hat and sunglasses, and a light jacket she hadn't seen before thrown over his shirt. He was covering himself, trying to go unnoticed if he was going to be seen with a pregnant woman. That wouldn't be good to see all over Twitter later on.

“Cal… what are you doing here?” Iris questioned.

He shot her a soft smile. “I know you didn't want to go today, thought I might as well go with, be your moral support.” He offered his arm out to her, and she slowly took it, the other hand closing and locking her door before moving to rest on her little belly. Well, little for now. The baby was growing more and more each day, she didn't think of her middle area as small anymore.

“Thank you, it means a lot.”

He shrugged, trying to play it cool, but he knew this was a big deal for her. It was his goal to get her out of her rut, and hopefully seeing the baby would help that. Eddie may be gone, but he left her the greatest gift he could, and she wouldn't have to do anything alone as long as Calum could help.

They made it to the appointment, having enough time to stop by Starbucks and get a drink considering Calum drove. Iris hated having to plan her schedule by bus routes, and he knew that. They waited for ten minutes before getting called back. Calum was in awe as he watched Iris lift up her shirt so her doctor could smooth the jelly onto her stomach. It was the first time he'd seen her belly close up, and it hit him. She's going to have a baby in her arms in twenty weeks, and their dynamic would change. It frightened Calum, but he knew that's when she'd need him most.

“So,” the doctor began, “are we here for just a check-up or did you want to find out the gender too?” She smiled at Iris and Calum.

Iris bit her lip. “Umm… I don't know.” She looked to Calum, who was standing by the corner. He nodded, wanting her to figure out. Pleading with her to humanize this baby.

She thought for a second, before saying, “Just a check-up, but could you write it down on a little card and give it to him?” Iris motioned to the man who accompanied her. He looked confused, but sighed and let her continue on anyway.

The doctor nodded and continued the appointment. The doctor pointed out the little one's fingers and toes, took measurements to record the growth, and ran a couple tests to ensure the organs were fine. She told Iris to eat a bit more, making sure the baby gets big and healthy, but other than that everything checked out.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor wrote down the gender on a slip of paper, folding it and handing it over to Calum, without saying a word. The doctor was aware of how off Iris had been lately, so what she wanted she will get. She deserved it after all she lost. He slipped the paper into his pocket, vowing to himself to check it later when he's alone. When they got back to the car, Cal offered to buy them lunch, and Iris didn't oppose.

“Hey Cal?” He turned to her, viewing her from behind his sunglasses.

“Yeah?”

She looked down at her hands on her belly before gazing back at him, a soft smile playing on her lips. Something he rarely saw. “Thank you for taking me today. And thank you for taking the paper. I'm not ready to find out the gender… yet. But knowing that you'll know gives me comfort.” A blush rose to her cheeks.

He chuckled, placing a hand on her thigh and rubbing a bit. “Whatever you need me to do to make you comfortable, I'll do it. No worries.”

And for the first time in eight weeks, she didn't worry. She ate a good portion for lunch, took her vitamins like she was supposed to, and ended the night cuddled next to Calum and Duke on the couch at his place. It eased her mind knowing that Calum would do whatever it took to make her happy, especially considering the father of the baby wasn't here anymore. Iris and the baby would be without Eddie, but maybe they wouldn't be alone.

•••

“You okay, Cal?” Luke's voice snapped Calum out of his trance, blinking a few times before turning away from the window to look at his curly best friend.

He nodded. “Yeah, why are you asking?”

“You seem a bit off, that's all.”

Calum knew he was acting weird. They left for their promotional tour that morning and he didn't know when he would be back in California. It could've been a couple weeks, or it could've been at least a month. “Just… worried, really.”

Luke nodded, understanding. “Worried about Iris?”

“Yeah,” Calum confirmed. “I want her to take care of herself. She seems to do better when I'm there, and I don't want anything to happen to the baby.”

“You know…” Luke debated on what he was going to say. “I know you love her, we all do, and we want her to be okay, but it's not your baby. Some things she has to do on her own.”

Calum turned his body to his friend, now fully facing the tall man. “What do you mean by that?”

Luke huffed but tried to hide it. “You aren't the baby's father… when that baby is born you don't need to—”

“Let me stop you there,” interrupted Calum, “I'm not trying to be the baby's dad. I'm trying to be Iris's friend because in case you didn't remember, the only close friend she had before me fuckin’ died and now she's left alone to raise her first kid. If I can help Iris out with her needs than I will, but I'm not going to let that get in the way of the band. They can be to separate things, ya know? And that's what friends do, they help. For fucks sake, all I want is for that little girl to be okay, doesn't mean I'm trying to be her dad.” With a grunt, he turned back to face the window, watching the clouds pass by.

Luke was trying to think of a way to respond, and possibly apologize for his poor choice of words, when he stopped in his tracks. “Wait, did you say it's a girl?”

Calum quickly turned to Luke, his eyes widening. No one was supposed to know, not yet. New until the birth. Jesus, even Iris didn't know, and she's the one carrying the kid.

He stumbled on his words before saying, “Fuck— just forget about it, alright? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go use the restroom and worry in peace.” With that, he stood and squeezed between Luke and the seat in front of them before walking to the airplane's bathroom.

Michael slowly turned around, looking at Luke between the chairs. “Smooth, Lucas,” he teased.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Whatever, it was either going to be me or Ashton who said it, and I know from my own personal shit that Ashton is way more blunt than me. That could've been a lot worse.”

“If you say so, Hemmings. Anyway, considering we know it's a girl now, what should I get Iris for her baby shower?”

•••

Iris survived the few weeks without Calum, befriending the girlfriends of his bandmates and trying to get closer to the ladies she worked with. Matt offered her a position at the studio, knowing she could use the job during the time being. Though she wasn't qualified yet to work with the equipment by herself yet, she'd do just fine as an assistant to Matt.

She made an effort to put herself out there, knowing she couldn't rely on Calum being her only close friend when he was constantly touring. That meant she had to grow closer to the ladies at the studio, and befriending the girlfriends was a plus. Matt was helpful, and he had a family of his own, so he and his wife helped Iris pick out the crib and other products she needed.

She even wanted to have a gender reveal and a baby shower. She thought about inviting her family down to LA and having a celebration. She finally felt happy to become a mother, even if Eddie was gone. The only issue with celebrating was that Iris was trying to put in as many hours as possible with her new position as an assistant before going on maternity leave, ensuring she'd have enough money to support her and her baby before she went back on the job months later. This meant she worked until she was a bit past seven months. She had plans of setting up some sort of baby shower now that she was on maternity leave, but she needed to rest for a second.

She was at Calum's house, almost eight months pregnant when she felt the craving. She wanted something cheap, fast food would do. Duke was resting on her lap, having grown protective of the mom-to-be and the little one in her belly. “Cal,” she called out. Moments later he stuck his head into the living room; he had been in the bedroom putting away clothes.

“What's up?” he questioned.

She jutted her bottom lip out, ready to pout to get her way. “Can I borrow your car? I'm hungry.” It wasn't uncommon that she'd borrow the car for fifteen minutes, driving it to the nearby store or fast food places, bringing back enough food for both of them. Sometimes Calum would take her, and sometimes he'd go by himself to get her the meal she was craving, but right now he was busy with chores and wanted to finish cleaning up around the place.

He smiled and nodded, motioning to the coffee table. “My keys are in the bowl right there. What're you gonna get?”

She shrugged, pushing herself up off the couch and grabbing his keys. “I think maybe Taco Bell. It's such bad food but it's what this baby needs right now.”

Calum laughed at this, shaking his head at the woman. “Alright, well get a twelve pack of tacos and hurry back, I'm hungry too! Be safe!” With that, he went back to his chores.

Iris hopped into his car, adjusting the seat to fit her round tummy. She took off, heading towards the Taco Bell that was no more than seven minutes away. She thought about how soon she'd be having her baby, and she worried that she wasn't ready. She'd done a couple classes, set up an almost finished nursery in her guest room, and bought enough neutral toned onesies for the kid (and a few dinosaur ones, an adorable fluffy pink tutu, and a couple overalls that look like they would fit dolls). Maybe it was time she found out the gender. Invite over the co-workers, the bandmates, their girls, and her parents. Have a small gender reveal and baby shower all in one. Or maybe, she'd just ask Calum. He was the only one who knew, and he'd tell her in a heartbeat. He was good about doing what she asked; if she needed anything from him, he was there, and she didn't know why. She didn't know what was so special about her that made him stick around, especially considering her hectic life. But no matter all the times he could have left, he didn't. And it only drew her in more. She was thankful that he tried hitting on her all those months ago, and part of her wishes that they did get to be flirty and hook up that night. Then, the morning after they could have talked for hours about their lives before planning another date. Then another, and another. He gave her a love that Eddie didn't, despite the fact that Eddie was actually her boyfriend. It felt different with Calum.

Though, Iris had to remember what Ashton told her the last time they had a get-together. “Cal can't become a dad yet.” When the baby comes, Iris knew she would have to distance herself. The boys were right, the baby would not be his problem or responsibility. It was purely hers. She knew that the boys were not trying to be harsh. They were her friends, they loved her and she loved them. Calum isn't dating Iris, and he had told the boys time and time again that he was not interested in dating her. The boys thought that Calum would need to put himself first, then the band next, and if he was taking care of that baby then what would happen to the band? Iris wouldn't want to get in the way. But for now, she was enjoying her lazy days with him, hanging out in his living room and coming together with his — now their — friends for movie and pizza nights.

Iris was making a left turn, getting close to the plaza area with the small food joints, when she heard a honk. It pulled her out of her thoughts, instantly crowding her mind with a new fear. The second slowed down, almost freezing, as she looked to her right to see a car entering the intersection, running the red light that was above them.

It was 5pm when he got the call. Her emergency contacts were made aware of what happened, but she begged the paramedics to also call Cal.

Iris was hit in the intersection, spinning out and damaging Calum's car beyond repair. When the ambulance arrived they immediately decided to rush her to the emergency room, noticing her belly and they knew of the damage that could have been done to the baby. She was awake but in pain. Both mentally and physically, worrying about the ache in her midsection, afraid that this one little accident could have taken the life of her child.

Calum was rushing more than he had when Eddie passed. He had to run to Ashton's house to get a ride to the hospital, Ash offering to take him. He thought of the possibility of losing Iris, and he honestly wanted to cry. She had become a staple in his life over the time they'd known each other, and he didn't want to lose her yet. It hit his heart in a way no loss had ever had before, and he quickly became well aware that he had to face those feelings as soon as he knew she was okay.

When the boys made it to the hospital he saw the commotion of wheeling Iris to some sort of surgery room, and Calum panicked. He rushed over, and she noticed him, telling the paramedics this was the man she called.

He looked at her body, which had been hastily dressed in a hospital gown, and feared the worst. The baby.

“Cal, they're doing a C section,” Iris told him as he tried to keep up with the wheels of the bed she was being pushed on. Her voice was smaller than ever, breathy and trembling.

“What's wrong? Is everything okay? Are you—” He wanted to fucking scream.

She shook her head, tears falling onto her cheeks. “I don't know, I don't know what's going to happen,” she cried. He grasped her hand and squeezed. “Cal, if anything does happen, if I lose them, I just—”

“Her.”

Iris gave him a confused look.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. Ashton watched from the end of the hallway. “It's a girl, Iris. You're going to have a beautiful baby girl and she's going to make it. She's going to be strong, just like her momma, okay? She's going to make it.”

The tears feel more. “I trust you, Cal.” Those were the last words she could get out before being rushed into a different room, a nurse keeping Calum out. He wanted to punch a wall, he was so anxious. He felt a hand grasping shoulder, turning to see Ashton. Without a word Ashton pulled him into a hug, holding him tight and securely. The doctors would protect Iris and that little girl, and Ashton would protect his friend.

•••

Four hours later, Iris was holding a tiny girl in her arms. Her parents, who came as fast as they could, met the baby along with Eddie’s two sets of parents, and they took turns going in the room to see her as Calum waited. Iris had a couple broken bones, and bruises littered her body, but the baby was okay. Born about a month early, but she was alive and, for the most part, healthy.

The boys and their girlfriends had all joined Calum, waiting until they were given the clear to see her.

“I get it now,” Michael had told him during the wait, none of them at the time knowing if Iris or the baby would be alright. “It's easy to tell you to not get attached when she's fine. But now we don't know if they'll be okay, and it hurts.”

Luke reached out to hold onto Calum's arm. “I'm sorry for saying you shouldn't prioritize her. We all are.”

“The way you were there for her today… I know you love her, Cal. We shouldn't get in the way of that,” added Ashton.

Calum sighed, looking up from his shaking hands. “I tried so hard to not grow feelings for her, to just be a friend, because that's what she needed. But today just showed that I don't know what I would do if I lost her, or that baby. I don't know how to do this whole ‘love’ thing, especially not with a kid, and it scares the living fuck out of me, but…”

“You love her, and that baby. And that's okay. Sometimes life hits you when you least expect it. But we're going to support you, and we're going to love that little baby too, even when things get rough,” Luke told him, the rest of the group agreeing.

Eventually, everybody had to leave, considering visiting hours had ended. Iris's mom told Calum he could stay, and after hours of waiting, all the parents left the room, allowing Calum to go and see her.

He opened the door slowly, and a tired Iris greeted him with a smile on her lips. “Hey,” she whispered.

He smiled back, his attention turning to the baby in the clear crib next to her bed. “How is she?” Calum asked, his voice soft despite his worry.

She hummed, thanking God for the baby beside her. “She's beautiful, Cal. Here, come see.” She set up, scooting over on the hospital bed to allow him to sit beside her. She gently scooped up the little baby into her arms, the girl naturally clinging to her mother.

She was tiny, so very small. Her chart read she was 5 pounds and 1 ounce. The beanie on top of her head looked huge on her, and the blanket she was wrapped in practically swallowed her. But she was safe, healthy and here.

Calum reached a finger out to caress her rosy pink cheek, her skin still bits of pink and purple. Eventually, her skin would turn into a tan, matching her mother's and Eddie's. Her eyes were big and brown, but she was too tired to open her eyes and show Calum. Iris knew the baby would inherit her brown eyes, which she inherited from her dad, but a bit of her hoped she'd get Eddie's blue color, which always stood out against warm skin. But, she did have his nose and a dimple on her cheek, and Iris was okay with her being a beautiful mix of both her parents instead of being a carbon copy of her late father.

“She's gorgeous,” he mumbled. She let out a little whine every now and then, but she did cry, even when she was placed into Calum's large arms. “I'm so happy she's okay,” he admitted to Iris, relief taking over.

“She's my little miracle baby. I couldn't be more thankful.”

Calum turned to her. “I'm happy you're okay too. I don't know what I would've done if I lost you.”

She blushed, avoiding eye contact. “Thank you, Cal. For everything. I know it's been a long few months.”

“It's been my pleasure.” He held the little girl to his chest, keeping her warm. “Have you decided on a name yet?” He stroked her cheek again, loving the little coos she let out.

Iris watched Calum hold her girl, her heart pounding in her chest. She never pictured herself becoming a mother so young, and she couldn't believe she spent the first half of her pregnancy so mad at the world, because she fell in love so easily with the tiny child her best friend was holding. There was no warning for how deeply she fell for her baby, and she knew no love would be greater. And then, there was Calum. His love was much more complex. Though, he was there showing her how to fall in love with him every step of the way. She learned from him that falling in love could happen through helping one another out, and being a friend before all else.

She shrugged and looked down at her face. “Rose, I think.”

“Why Rose?” Calum asked out of curiosity.

“Because, her cheeks are so rosy, and it'll remind me that despite all the shit that happened, I got a healthy, beautiful, blushing baby out of it.”

Calum chuckled. “It's beautiful. Cheesy, but beautiful.”

She lightly swatted his arm, giggling brightly. “Well, roses were also Eddie's favorite flower, but I thought that would be even cheesier.”

He shook his head. “Not cheesy at all, I'm just teasing you. Any thoughts on a middle name?”

She shrugged. “I'm not sure. I was thinking… maybe you could pick it?”

Calum was shocked but honored nonetheless. “Me? You sure?” She nodded. “I think… Anahera. It means ‘angel’ in Māori. I remember my mom always called my sister that when we were little. Plus, this little one is an angel, and she’s got an amazing guardian angel watching over her.”

Iris smiled wide. “I love it, Calum. It's perfect.”

“So is she,” he whispered. Iris cuddled into his arm, watching the man she loved hold Rosie Anahera.

Falling in love was not something she was looking for at the beginning of the year. Now, come months later, she was head over heels for the man who tried hitting on her at a party, mother to the most beautiful little girl, and had her best friend as a guardian angel to watch over the mother-daughter duo. The two sat together in mutual understanding that hey, maybe they did love each other. One thing was certain, and that was that they each fell in love with Rosie, and they were ready to show her a love like no other.

So maybe falling in love for Iris began with a little slip-up, resulting in a journey of a pregnancy, but it ended with her and Calum holding what would become their little girl. And she couldn't be happier.

Taglist: @flannelpunkcalum @gigglyirwin-main @gigglyirwin @astrosashton @softforcal @singt0mecalum @youngblood199456 @gothliath @bitterbethany @cunnillucas @justacrush @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @heartachecth @glitterprincelu @hereforlukescruff @irwinkitten @converse-luke @c-sainthood

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kiwisoap · 5 years ago

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self care meme

@dreamlogic gave me a good excuse to do this so im GOIN FOR IT

🌿 Favorite comfort food: OH MAN.... hot & sour soup or potato soup. There was one restaurant near my mamaw’s that had the best hot & sour soup ever but they closed a few years ago and I haven’t been able to find any that compares anywhere else :( Potato soup just makes me feel warm n cozy and good (especially if its got bacon and cheese and green onions in it)

🌼 Favorite alcohol (or hot drink!): favorite alcoholic beverage.... hmm.. i dont have what you would call a “refined taste” for alcoholic beverages, considering that I’m a broke college student and also couldn’t buy my own liquor until 2 months ago, so most of my alcohol experience is just mccormick vodka mixed with kool aid. but i AM a big fan of vodka cranberries mixed with sprite. as for hot drinks, celestial seasonings bengal spice tea!!!! its so good!! its got so much cinnamon!

🌷 Favorite relaxing activity: gardening, or drawing! I love tending to plants..... also a big fan of smushing my face into my cat’s fat belly. Sewing, maybe?? Oh and gathering, I love picking stuff from the woods or my yard

🌸 Favorite fluffy/feel-good fic: I honestly don’t read a lot of fluff fics?? but these two by magikfanfic are old favorites, theyre companion baze/chirrut pieces and the writing is just so so good, the emotions are so clear and lovely. Confidence Artists by Fahye is a close second

🌻 Favorite calming scent: incoming storm, baking bread, lavender, honeysuckle

🌺 Favorite relaxing (or uplifting) song: morning song by le loup is probably the most relaxing song i know... I’m also always a fan of Lost Dog Street Band, but their music is more of a melancholy/nostalgic kind of relaxing.

🌵 Favorite white noise: people talking on the other side of the house, frogs and crickets and cicadas on a warm night, or heavy rain. also a big fan of arctic icebreaker idling 10 hour version

🍄 Favorite book to get lost in: I haven’t read a book cover-to-cover since high school but Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt is an old favorite, and I love the James Harriot books. I’ve also been reading a lot of Wendell Berry lately, mostly for class, but I enjoy a lot of his work. (Also, I’ve had Wolf Totem by Jiang Rong on my bookshelf for about 5 years now and I have a feeling that itll become one of my favorites when i finally read it lmao)

💐 Favorite chill-out TV show: well atm it’s Call the Midwife because thats what my mom has been marathoning in the living room for the past few weeks (its a really fun show tho and i do like it!). Besides that, i’d say Avatar: The Last Airbender just because its such a classic and i never get tired of watching it

🌹 The best advice you’ve ever heard: my dear mamaw did NOT have a happy marriage. however she sure didn’t let her husband walk all over her like he tried to, like she wasn’t afraid to go batshit crazy on him when he tried to intimidate her, up to and including taking a gun out of his hands and breaking it with a rock. she doesn’t really understand how people ‘let themselves’ live in fear of someone (to which i have to remind her “Not everyone is like you, mamaw.”). She’s always told me, “Don’t you let nobody shit on you.” Simple, straightforward, and coming from a woman who has not and WILL NOT let anyone treat her like shit without consequences.

I tag,,, @beingatoaster @ammoth @lesithbian @rupturedspleen @enbyleighlines @undiplomatics and whoever else wants to do it!! just say i tagged u!

#mamaw is the reason i have such good self esteem lmao #ask meme

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mss4msu · 5 years ago

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I Don’t Care

Summary: Bucky doesn’t care what kind of social event tortures he must go through, so long as he has you by his side.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 2536

Timeline: This takes place after the events of Winter Soldier, but ignores the team fighting bits of Civil War and everything else that happened after it bc I want a happy Bucky.

Warnings: Language

A/N: Every time I listen to “I Don’t Care” by Ed Sheeran w/ Justin Bieber I think of how well it would work as a Bucky fic, so I had to write it so I can listen to the song without thinking up stories and can actually get to the two 15 page papers I have due in like a week.

(I incorporated the lyrics of the song into the story in the order they appear in the song. They’re noted in bold. If you dig it, check out my other story We Never Go Out of Style)

Another successful mission, another elaborate Stark party. The first party had been casual, everyone showed up freshly showered from the mission. The second party had a buffet, rather than bowls of chips everywhere. Next came the waiters passing drinks. Now every party required cocktail attire and they seemed more like galas than opportunities to unwind. Bucky loathed them. He almost wished he could just go back into the ice after every mission if it meant not having to make small talk with people he didn’t even know.

“Why the long face, Buck? You look like you just fought a whole slew of Hydra agents and hardly got time to shower,” Steve laughed, hitting Bucky on the shoulder.

Of course what Steve had described was exactly what had happened.

“Funny, Steve. I’m a party I don’t wanna be at. And the fact we have to dress up is ridiculous. I don’t ever wear a suit and tie unless it’s at one of these dumbass things. It’s not like I finish a mission and think, ‘yeah, I’d love to go surround myself with strangers.’ I’m just wonderin’ if I could sneak out the back. Aside from you, nobody’s even lookin’ me in my eyes.”

Steve gave Bucky a knowing look. If he was being honest with himself, he would also rather be able to just relax after a mission and decompress in silence. Steve snapped out of it when he saw one of his WWII veteran friends wave him over.

“Sorry, Bucky. Stan looks like he needs me. Just chill in the corner like usual, you’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, right,” Bucky muttered under his breath as Steve walked away.

“Enjoying yourself, James?” you asked as you walked up to the super soldier.

Whenever you called him by his name, he felt his heart flutter, “You know I’m not.”

“Looks like it,” you smiled at him.

When you had joined the Avengers 5 years ago, you hadn’t even known about the Winter Soldier. After proving yourself to Steve during the fall of SHIELD, he had brought you onto his small team to go searching for the other super soldier, who you soon learned was James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes. You knew their whole history, and it became almost a mantra during your searches for him, “Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield.” You had been behind the scenes when Steve found Bucky after the Accords disaster, but you were on the frontlines of his “de-programming” in Wakanda. You had been with him through all the pain of unlearning the trigger words and had helped him adjust to a domestic life. It hadn’t taken you long to fall in love with him; it had been even easier for him to fall in love with you. After Bucky was officially cleared of the Winter Soldier programming, you were charged to help him get settled back in New York. Tony had offered him a room in Stark Tower, but he wanted to have an escape from the Avengers. You offered to get an apartment with him and he immediately agreed. You shared a small, 1 bedroom apartment, just across the street from where Steve lived.

“Alright, enough moping then,” you demanded, putting your left hand in his right.

“Oh, you think you can come over here, take my hand, and I’ll suddenly feel better?” He did feel better, but he wasn’t going to tell you that.

You grabbed his drink and chugged what was left of it.

“And you finish my drink to top it all off?” he raised an eyebrow at you.

“Say, shall we dance?” you looked up into his eyes and saw the wrinkles of his furrowed brow dissipate.

Bucky took a deep breath, “Hell, yeah,” as much as he hated the parties, he could never disappoint you.

You pulled him onto the dance floor, his grip tightening as you maneuvered your way around other couples. You finally found a space large enough to dance and turned to face him. He was red in the face, and you knew just the walk to the dance floor had been enough to re-stress him out. You pulled your left hand apart from his and placed it on his shoulder. You then went to take his left hand in your right, but he had hidden it behind his back.

“Mr. Barnes,” you said sternly, “Give me it.”

Red crept into his cheeks as he slowly placed his metal hand in your small, flesh one.

“I hate when you do that,” you said, pulling him closer to you, glad that you had put heels on so you could whisper into his ear.

“I….I...just…” He stammered.

“It’s been how many years and you’re still pulling this bullshit?” you pulled back slightly so you could look into his eyes, “Cut the crap, soldier.”

A slight smile broke through his lips, “You know I love you, did I ever tell ya?”

“You may have mentioned it once or twice,” you smiled back.

“You make it all better like that,” he snapped his metal fingers before wrapping them around yours.

You danced for a few songs, but when the band finished, Bucky basically dragged you back against the wall. He looked around the room, taking in all of the conversations between different groups around the room. Most of the Avengers were speaking with large hand gestures and gaining big laughs.

Bucky turned to you, “You know, I don’t think I fit in at this party. Everyone’s got so much to say.”

“Yeah? And you don’t? You’ve got plenty of stories to share,” you replied.

“Those are the Winter Soldier’s stories, they aren’t mine. Most of my life isn’t mine. I always feel like I’m nobody.”

“Mmm,” you hummed, thinking, “But who wants to fit in anyway?”

“’Cause...” he began but trailed off. He then shrugged his shoulders, “That’s true I guess, it helps that I don’t care when I’m with my baby,” he put his hand around your waist and pulled you into him.

“Oh?” you looked up into his eyes, seeing them looking softer than you had seen all night.

“Yeah, you make all the bad things disappear. And you’re making me feel like maybe I am somebody.”

“Good,” you moved in front of him and grabbed his face, pulling him into a deep kiss.

“You truly are the best, you know that?”

“I do, but tell me more,” you mused at him.

“I don’t have as many nightmares sleeping with you. I can deal with the bad nights much better now.”

“I’ve noticed,” you smiled.

“Everything's better when I’m with my baby,” he pulled you in for another kiss.

“Yeah?” you asked.

“Oh yeah, cause I don’t care about anything else as long as you just hold me near you. You can take me anywhere, the dance floor, a mission, anywhere, and I’ll follow happily. You’re making me feel like I’m loved by somebody.”

You grinned at him, “You know, I’ve had some bad nights too in the past, and I can deal with the bad nights when I’m with you too. My own nightmares fade away when I wake up next to you.”

“I love you, baby,” he kissed you again.

Weeks went by without a mission that required all of the Avengers. Bucky had become more calm, knowing it meant that he could return home to you and not have to socialize at another party. Just as he was finally getting comfortable hanging out in small groups after missions, a 2 week op that required the whole team was called. Bucky wanted you to go with, but you had other assignments now.

“Babe, I’m not your handler anymore. Yeah it sucks, but you’ve got Steve and Sam. You’ll be ok,” you had reassured him before he left. Of course it pained you to be away from him that long with no communication, but one of you had to put on the brave face for the both of you.

The mission dragged on and you had no word from anyone. Maria Hill tried to reassure you, but with Fury gone on the mission too, she was just as nervous as you. Two weeks turned into three and you became overwhelmed with worry. Sitting in your and Bucky’s apartment as the third week came to a close, you were trying to calm yourself down by watching movies when you heard the front door open. You grabbed your gun out of caution and hid behind a wall, prepared to attack.

“You home, doll?” you heard Bucky call to you.

You ran to the front door and threw your arms around him.

“Oh thank god,” you couldn’t help the tears welling up in your eyes, “I thought something had gone horribly wrong.”

“It did, I wasn’t with you,” he smiled, you could see tears forming.

“That was so cheesy, but I love it,” you held him tighter, not wanting to let go.

You only broke apart when you heard your phone ringing from the other room, playing the ringtone reserved for Tony.

“Tony? Everything ok?” you asked with a sense of urgency.

“No, it isn’t. Where are you two? Post-mission party starts in 15 minutes.” Tony yelled into the phone.

Your heart sank, while you didn’t hate the celebration parties like Bucky did, you hadn’t seen him in 3 weeks and there were other things you wanted to do with him then stand in the corner of a room.

“Oh, shit, we’ll be there soon,” you replied, quickly hanging up before Tony could answer.

“Who was that?” Bucky asked, coming into the room and immediately flopping down on the couch.

“Tony. We have a party to be at,” you said, to which Bucky let out a long moan.

“I know babe, but it’s part of the job,” you sighed, trying to pull him up from the couch so he could get ready.

Bucky wouldn’t budge, so you went to get yourself ready and threw a suit at him. 10 minutes later, you were out the door and on your way to Stark Tower. You showed your badges to get past security and got into the elevator.

“I’m sorry, doll, but I really don’t want to be here,” Bucky said as you ascended.

“I know, Bucky, but we really don’t have a choice and we don’t have to stay long,” you replied as the elevator doors opened.

As you exited the elevator, you saw that the room was already full. A couch along the wall was open and Bucky led you to it. The music seemed louder than usual, and you both spent a few minutes looking around the room to see who was there. Nat seemed to be missing.

“Where’s Nat?” you asked Bucky.

“What?” he yelled back.

“Where is Nat?” you said louder.

“What?” he yelled again.

“Nevermind,” you yelled to him.

Bucky moved closer to you, speaking directly into your ear, “We’re at a party we don’t wanna be at. And it’s so loud in here, keep tryna talk, but we can’t hear ourselves. When can we leave?”

“I don’t know, Buck. Read my lips instead?”

“Read your lips? I’d rather kiss ‘em,” he pulled away slightly so you could see him smirking at you.

“If you did that, I’d be force to kiss yours right back.”

Bucky looked away from you for a second and instantly tensed up.

“James, are you ok?”

“This room really filled up.”

You scanned the room. There seemed to be even more people in attendance than last time. While Bucky had gotten comfortable around the Avengers, he still had trouble in large groups of strangers after having a manhunt called on him years ago.

“But with all these people all around, I’m crippled with anxiety. All I wanted was to come home and be with you, but no. I’m sick of these parties. I’m so tired of being told it’s where I’m s’posed to be.”

You slowly ran your hand up and down his back, trying to calm him down. Sometimes your touch worked better than your words, “I know James, but after this is over we can go home and just lay on the couch and watch a movie and fall asleep in each other’s arms and it’ll all be fine.”

“You know what?” he looked back at you, and gave you a small smile, “It’s kinda crazy how you can talk me down.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, ‘cause I really don’t mind when you make it better like that.”

“It?”

“Everything,�� he leaned over and kissed your forehead.

“You know, I don’t think we fit in at this party,” you laughed, looking around again.

Everyone was either dancing, yelling to each other, or heavily drinking while you and Bucky were cozied up together on a couch just taking it all in.

“Yeah, everyone’s got so much to say over there,” Bucky motioned to where Tony and Rhodey were trying, once again, to lift Thor’s hammer.

“Oh yeah,” you laughed. “Yeah, I doubt anyone on this team can lift that hammer, except maybe Steve,” your eyes wandered to the other super soldier in the room who was laughing with his veteran friends.

“You know, when we walked in, I said I’m sorry, because I didn’t want to be here.”

“Mmm?” you questioned.

“But now I think that we should stay?”

“Oh? What made you change your mind.”

“Cause I don’t care when I’m with my baby,” Bucky said, reaching into his jacket pocket.

“Yeah?” you asked, your heart starting to race.

“You make all the bad things disappear, and yeah, I’m a handful, I know it, but you’re making me feel like maybe I am somebody. I can deal with the bad nights when I’m with you. I’d never want anyone else in my life but my baby. Yeah, things won’t always be easy, but that’s ok, ‘cause I don’t care as long as you just hold me near. And I’m working towards being better and no I don’t like these massive parties, but you can take me anywhere, because as long as you’re with me I’m happy. I don’t like nobody but you, and when we’re at these stupid things, it’s like you’re the only one here with me. You just get me and I get you,” Bucky took a small box from his pocket and got down on one knee.

“I don’t like nobody but you, and I’ll never love anybody but you. Will you marry me?” Bucky opened the box, revealing a ring.

Tears were welled up in your eyes, “Yes, James. Of course, always, yes!”

He put the ring on your finger and you kissed him harder than you ever had before. You looked around the room and it didn’t seem as though anyone had even noticed a major life-changing event occurring right before them.

“You know, I hate everyone here. They didn’t even notice this,” you flashed your new ring at Bucky, “Let’s get out of here?”

“Thank god, yes. I was lying before. I did want to leave,” he grabbed your hand, rushed you out of the party, and took you home to celebrate.

Bucky Barnes Tag List:

@basementcafe @ria132love @courtmr @jobean12-blog

Permanent Tag List:

@sophiealiice @mrsdeanwinchester19 @thisismysecrethappyplace @ailynalonso15 @221bshrlocked @hazellnut94 @libbymouse @nerdypinupcrystal @hufflepuffchloe

#marvel #bucky barnes x reader #recovery bucky #justin bieber and ed sheeran #i dont care #i love that song so much #bucky x reader #fan fic

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kidchameleon92 · 5 years ago

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“life story” 1

i’m not going to edit this at all going along. typos, bad grammar, mistakes. doesn’t matter. this is spontaneous thought.

disclaimer: i changed the word to “spontaneous” from “spurious” which means something completely different, so the first paragraph is already a lie.

anyway, it’s been a really weird and sort of bad couple months for me. mostly in my state of mind. i feel very stuck and very immobile when it comes to my art and career. and that is having a very negative effect on my brain. even though i’m putting out my favorite songs i’ve ever written. i’ve been meaning to write for awhile. i used to post when i lived in los angeles several years ago, just journaling my day to day life. but i haven’t for awhile. i guess i also used to write in a notebook while on different tours. but i think i’ve since thrown that away or hidden it somewhere.

point is: i just want to write to get things off my mind. and hopefully, maybe, it’ll help you (if you care to) get to know me a little more and on a more personal level. even if we haven’t met. and maybe it’ll make what i make (if you care about it) mean more to you. either way, mostly, i just want to rant a bit. so, this is my life’s story. i guess.

chapter 1: kid

i was born in a suburb of the twin cities in minnesota. my parents both grew up in minnesota and lived there their whole lives (until my mom recently moved to tennessee). my mom was a mortician, and my dad was an accountant. also an alcoholic. he cheated on her and left her and i when i was one year old. i remember growing up going to stay with him on weekends, except it was with him and his girlfriend at the time. except he was drunk a lot. and would drive drunk with me (a baby) in the car. so, that’s cool. anyway, my mom was really depressed, and that was not a good time (or so i’ve heard, because i was a baby, so idk).

i stayed with my grandparents a lot, because my mom worked full time. my maternal grandparents lived on a ton of land. my grandpa and i would ride motorcycles and four wheelers and sleep in a treehouse and all that. my other grandparents lived in the same town but in a small house. i used to go up to their cabin during the summer and go fishing and swimming and boating and all that. different g-parent vibes, but loved both a lot.

anyway, when i was three, my mom married my step-dad. he is from india and has had a lot of unique and challenging experiences, so that certainly brought a lot of particular lessons and outlooks into my life. i went there once when i was about 14. it was wild. but so, yeah. that kinda solidified my family unit. my dad got remarried later on as well. but the older i got, i saw him less and less.

so ... i loved video games. i played them all the time. a big part of my childhood. mostly nintendo. explains a lot. as a kid in school (4 years public, 3 years private, 1 year home, 3 years private, 1 year PSEO [look it up]), i was never popular whatsoever. i always wanted to gain some sort of acclaim or attention from my classmates, but was pretty much always looked down on for one reason or another. i remember in elementary school, i was the kid who was literally terrified of storms. probably because i had been in a tornado when i was six. but the moment it would thunder, all the kids would look at me to see if i was gonna cry. usually, i did. and the school nurse would take me outside and we’d walk around as a sort of therapy. i guess it helped sorta. i still get nervous in storms. but i don’t cry.

i also remember a time specifically that i got made fun of for wearing a denver broncos t-shirt. this kid just railed on me because it wasn’t a minnesota vikings shirt. so, one: i don’t even give a fuck about sports. but two: it stuck with me for some reason that someone would be a massive jerk over a t-shirt of a sports team. i guess that’s just because we as humans are messed up things.

anyway, in middle school, i started becoming semi-interested in music. i listened to the radio every night, listening to the top 10 countdown of big songs from that week. kanye, weezer, the click five, black eyes peas, green day. those were some anyway. besides that, i was just listening to like kelly clarkson and relient k or something. my mom had a steven curtis chapman cd in her van i thought went hard. but i started getting into popular music around then. i also started to write my own music. i used to take piano lessons from when i was like six or seven until i was 14 or so. but after i started writing my own songs, i hated practicing assigned pieces. i didn’t care. i wanted to play my own. so, the teacher said if i quit, i couldn’t be her student again. so i did. that’s fine. she said i was her most talented student. but i didn’t work that hard. so, that goes to show that natural talent and hard work have different roles, i suppose.

chapter 2: girls and high school and such

in high school, i started LiKiNg gIrLs and stuff. i also was still not very popular. i also had started a band (with jack). i wasn’t very good, but i was just as obsessed with it as i am now. anyway, i liked this one girl from my church, and we talked all the time. but because we grew up in a pretty fundamental church culture, we weren’t allowed to date. which honestly, i fine, because looking back, no one knows what they are doing at 16 really. i definitely didn’t. i still don’t know what i’m doing. anyway ...

so, this girl and i half-dated for a couple years, and i was really clingy and annoying. but that’s just how i be. and i thought i was gonna marry her and stuff, because in a fundamental church context, you over spiritualize everything.

[[disclaimer: i am a christian, and i still go to church, but my theology and ideology on a lot of things has just evolved and changed a lot since i was young and since leaving the ultra-americanized/ultra-fundamental “christian” realm. main point being: we all are effed up bro and need saving. i’m an idiot always!]]

but now we’re back. girl “dumped” me and started dating another guy named “patrick” right after, even though she technically wasn’t allowed to date until she was 18. but apparently, she just wasn’t allowed to date me. so, that was cool. anyway, i was angsty, but then i got over it. because i was 17, so life big time goes on.

then i met another girl from canada while i was finishing school and going hard at my band stuff. we hit it off, and i started visiting her up there. and she visited me and all that. it was cool. and then all of a sudden, she really started hating me. and to be fair, i was weird and clingy and sort of a lot to deal with. but we kept dating. all the while, i was sort of leaving behind music to try to get into nursing school. yep, nursing school. but i got rejected, which is great. and so, i decided to go to audio engineering school in canada. and she was gonna go to college in the same city. this is great! so i thought. she dumped me (well, i sort of broke up with myself for her) about a month after we were living in the same city. wack. but it made me buckle down and work my ass off in school. i was top of my class one semester. yeah, i’m not that dumb. sometimes.

towards the spring of the next year, i happened to meet a girl who was at my church with one of my friends. she seemed chill. just talked a little. nothing crazy. happened to hit her up on twitter just to say hi. no intention. we talked a bit. nothing after that. then all of a sudden, a couple months later, i was tweeting about reading harry potter for the first time (note: fundamental upbringing). she happened to tweet me back about it. and long story short, we went out on a date. a sort-of-date. and what was supposed to be a lunch turned into an all day and half the night date. anyway, we got married a year later. after a lot of immigration paperwork and expenses. that’s a whole other post. that sucked. it’s a lot. and it’s why i feel bad for people who have nothing who are trying to come here to flee danger in their own countries. again, another post.

chapter 3: married, and other hard things

so, i forgot to say that before we got married, i lived in los angeles for a year after school. i was doing more sound for film work. on set stuff, post-production. got to do work with like ... james franco, matt damon, emma roberts, william shatner. some cool stuff. but jack’s old band came through on tour, and i saw two shows. and i was like ... bruh. i gotta do music, what am i doing? so, i literally moved back to minnesota within like two weeks, worked as a nursing assistant for a little bit and got married. then moved to nashville like two weeks later. i guess i could’ve stayed in los angeles. but nashville felt like the move at the time. everything happens with a purpose.

so, we moved here, and she couldn’t work for three months because of immigration stuff. so, i was like, well, guess i need a job. so, i got a job managing a home for a couple people with intellectual disabilities. it was super hard. mostly because the company was really, really bad. so, i got another job working as a staffing coordinator in an office for a home health care agency. that was a little better. still tough. but less overwhelming. a couple months after i got that job, i got an offer to go on a country tour playing bass for someone. and i was like ... well, this is why i moved here. so, i quit and went on tour. and shawna actually took my old job. interesting.

i was gone for three weeks, and it sucked and the pay was bad, but at least i was doing what i wanted. but then i got an offer from my friend to do some tech work on a much bigger country gig. i hadn’t done it before, but it was better pay and a better position. and on a bus and nice things and all that. so, i went for it. i pissed the other girl i was playing for off. but that’s show biz, baby. but like, i found a replacement for myself and paid to fly him out to her shows and stuff. so, really she won.

anyway, i toured with this other artist for four years. and i learned a lot. it was very, very challenging, both mentally and physically. and some people are just hard to work with. but i still gained so much valuable experience and insight into touring from that. i also started playing guitar for another artist who was small at the time, but has now had a couple number one hits. but his label fired me because i didn’t look country enough. we’re still homies though, so it’s literally fine. because i do indeed not look country enough.

at the same time, i was doing my own solo music and also producing and writing with and for other people. i’ve had the opportunity to write and produce for everything from independent artists to major label to billboard charting albums to whatever. songs on major television networks. i’m still very un-rich though, if that tells you anything.

but really, i just wanted to do my own music. and i literally couldn’t get it to go anywhere. i had no idea what the “secret” was. what was i missing? money? connection? power? actually probably all of that, to be honest. this industry is wacko. i was pretty close to giving up.

chapter 4: milkk

i read a satirical article on vice.com about “how to start a trendy band” or something. i thought it was funny. so, i called jack. he had just been kicked out of his old band for no reason. i was like, “bruh, let’s do this article.” and he was like, ok. so, we sort of did. and i’m not gonna go into all the early details, because i’ve done a million press interviews about how our band started. and i don’t wanna say it again. google it.

this was the first time that i actually saw people care about my music. it was a high. it was like a dream. and we hadn’t even had any big song or anything. just the fact that people were listening and engaging was mind blowing to me. but just like with anything, the more things went, the less i found satisfying. the more “likes” or “follows” on socials didn’t feel like enough anymore. the streams didn’t seem good enough. the chart positions on the debut album didn’t seem that great. the hype wore off a little after the debut album hype. and that made me insane. probably because we as humans are not built to be satisfied by the things in our life. “Vanity of vanities!” it’s in ecclesiastes. like the bible one.

chapter 5: now

anyway, that’s bad. i had (and have) let my mind convince me that i have to achieve something in order to be happy or fulfilled, when i know that that stuff will never fulfill me. i could play the biggest stadium and have the biggest song in history, but after a burst of dopamine and excitement, it would be empty. and i know that nothing here will do that. at least, that’s what i believe. my hope is outside of myself.

but that’s hard to internalize when you are so passionate about something, and have been for so long, and all you want to do is create things for other people that they can appreciate and be influenced by. but it’s probably also selfish. like i openly admit i like the idea of fame and presence. and it probably ties all the way back to wanting acknowledgement and attention as a kid, from being unpopular and ridiculed and, honestly, left by my dad. maybe i just therapied myself.

but regardless, i know i can’t put my identity in all this stuff. it’s hard, and it’s harder when you create stuff. because it’s so deeply tied to you. but it’s still not “who i am.” i know who i am and what i believe, but i’m still a mess, so i can’t enact that in my brain perfectly. in fact, far from it.

anyway. it’s late, and i’m going to post this and attempt to not worry about how it does on social media. stupid!!! i just want this out in the world for you to read. hopefully it’s helpful for you in some way. but mostly, it was just cool to write this out, for my own sake.

i’ve been blessed in some amazing ways. my family. oh, yeah i forgot that i have two kids. i love them a lot. i don’t talk about them on social media much. but they are very special to me. and we’ve always been taken care of, even when times were tight or i didn’t know when the next paycheck was coming in or i thought my wife was about to die or whatever. the Lord provided for us every time. and i am grateful to have what career i have. it may be “small” and nothing to look at by the big industry standards, but i believe in what i make so much, and i’m just grateful that anyone cares about it at all. and i will continue to do so until the day i die. because i have to.

it’s what i was born to do, for better or worse. and no one can tell me otherwise.

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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699

Before

When were you born? April 21st, 22 years ago.

Where were you raised? By who? For the first couple years of my life I lived with my dad’s family in Manila, but that didn’t last long because Manila is just so fucking filthy so we moved to my mom’s family in the city I currently live in. Until I was 10ish I was raised by extended family because my parents were still working hard. By the time they were able to climb enough rungs on their ladder they bought a house and they started looking after me and my siblings directly.

Do you have any siblings? How old are they? Yeah, Nina is 19 and my brother is 16.

What were your first words? No clue, I don’t think my parents got to take note of it.

What are your most vivid memories of your childhood? Playing outside, shifting through the three big kids’ channels to watch Drake and Josh, SpongeBob, Pokemon, and Mr. Bean every night, and babysitting my younger cousins. I also still remember the alcoholism issues but I try not to focus on that side.

What were some of your favorite things when you were young? The first thing I was crazy about was Bratz. It was the cool thing to like those days so I had Bratz shirts, lunchbox, pencil case, backpack, boots, etc. The prizes and giveaways for my 7th birthday were mostly Bratz stuff. When I got a bit older I started liking Disney stars (because Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, High School Musical, and Camp Rock lol), Pokemon, and WWE.

Do you have a lot of photos of yourself from before? Yeah, quite. My dad had a digital camera and a camcorder so he made great use of both.

Do you ever want to go back in time? Only when I find myself strugging in the present. I don’t actively yearn to have my childhood back, because I know it had some miserable parts too.

Or would you rather forget those days? Like I said, there are bits I would rather forget entirely.

Who was your kindegarden teacher? I had three kindergarten years but my very first teacher was named Kathy.

What did you grow up listening to? I didn’t have much of a taste as a kid. The first band I liked was Paramore and the rest is history.

What games did you play in the past? On my phone I had Snake and Space Impact. On my dad’s old laptop I had Insaniquairum, Cake Mania, Diner Dash, a brick breaker game I forgot the name of and a military-ish game I also forgot the name of.

What was the best birthday party you ever had? My parents threw me a grand party for my 7th birthday and it remains one of my favorites.

How about the best vacation? I have different reasons for my different favorites... Palawan’s scenery was breathtaking, our accommodations in Boracay are still unrivaled 11 years later, Batanes’ views were simply something else, Sagada was life-changing, the amount of history preserved in Bataan and Vigan is beautiful, Singapore was a nice glimpse to the modern world LMAO, Bali was super exotic and fun, and my East Asian cruise will always remind me of gaining my independence.

Who was your first crush? Andi.

Who was your first love [if you had one]? Gabie.

When you look back on yourself in the past, do you ever want to laugh? Always. That’s why I don’t look back lol. It’s embarrassing.

What was the best thing about being really young? The fact that my biggest worry was making sure I finished playing outside at the right time so that I can also still catch my favorite shows in the evening.

After

How old are you now? I’m 21, turning 22 in a little over two weeks. I know I’m getting older because the ages are starting to get more and more insignificant D: Who are your closest friends? Gab and Angela. Do you have any nicknames? Just one main nickname. I’m called Byn at home and by relatives. What do you enjoy doing? It depends on my mood. These days I like watching videos, doing a looooot of surveys, and catching up on reading on stuff that I couldn’t read up on because I was too focused on acads while I still had school. But on a normal day I like eating out and spending time with my friends and doing new things together with them. Where do you enjoy going? Coffee shops, chill bars, bazaars, food hubs, my org’s common area. Are you dating anyone? Who? Yeah.

Describe that person? Pretty pissed with them rn so I have no nice words to say, bye.

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Maybe 7 or 8 times out of 10, sure. If you COULD change anything about what you see about yourself, it'd be... My teeth. Name 5 of your personality traits: 1. I’ll be shy with new people at first and whether I warm up quickly to them or not will always be unpredictable; 2. Trust is very important to me and I can easily cut ties with people if I feel like they broke mine; 3. I’m patient in most contexts but can be prrrretty short-tempered in some, i.e. if I have to deal with shitty co-workers or if I’m driving, lmao. 4. I’m scared to do most things on my own and I like having at least one friend with me all the time. 5. I’m quite sensitive and have to work on having thicker skin. What are some of your prized possessions? My dog.

Do you care what others think of you? Some people. I try not to care, but sometimes Personality Trait #5 will rear its ugly head haha.

What's important to you? A lot of things? This is a very vague question. Feeding my dog everyday is important lol but so are people’s political stances because it tells me what they think of the rights of those less fortunate than them.

How likable do you think you are? I honestly don’t think I am at first. I’m pretty aloof and simply quiet at first, but I don’t do it on purpose. I’ve also been told I’m a little formal and intimidating when meeting me for the first time, so I try to do my part in changing that impression and being friendly.

Do you ever have days where you feel useless? Of course.

Do you ever have days where you're very happy with yourself? Yes.

What are you best at? Getting in tune with people’s emotions, reading body language, that kind of stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I’m good only because I’m overwhelmingly anxious and have an uncontrollable need to please people, but I guess as long as I keep making people happy it shouldn’t matter lol.

What do you wish you were better at? Being more assertive.

Do you have any goals you want to accomplish? Yeah sure. I have more traditional goals like having kids but I also have goals for myself, like going to Wrestlemania 50 in 2034.

What song most accurately describes you/your life? I can’t think of any right now but if there is a song talking about having nothing to do during a lockdown in the middle of a pandemic outbreak, that song is it.

Do you regret anything at the moment? Right now, no.

Do you have any secrets you never intend to tell? I don’t think so, there’s at least one person who knows any one of my secrets.

Who do you think you take after the most? I have a fair share of qualities from each of my parents. My temper and attention to detail/neatness/organization are from my mom, and my shyness and the fact that I’m really good at giving gifts are all my dad.

How about the person you resemble the most? My mom. But I’m also told I have days where I look more like my dad.

Do you belong to any cliques/cultures? (preps, jocks, punks, goths, etc) Those days ended in high school.

Are you accepting of people that aren't like you/your own crowd? Yeah, as long as they aren’t being disruptive, bullies, or plain assholes.

What memory would you like to disappear from your mind forever? My grandpa’s one drunken night that went too far. I’ve already talked about it in a past survey and I don’t plan on mentioning it again for a long time.

If you were someone else, would you be friends with the person you are now? Yeah but I’d be pretty intimidated by her lol.

You could never imagine yourself without: My dog.

Do you consider yourself a smart person? Sure.

Can you be very deep sometimes? I can be, but I’m still a bit selective about what I go deep on. I hate talking about philosophy and morality, for one.

What color would you use to describe your personality? Probably like a mellow shade of olive.

Have you ever been "confused" about yourself? Yeah. I’ve been mostly confused about my sexuality until Dan Howell made a video validating me and everyone else who didn’t want to label themselves and it was okay if they just identified as a formless blob. Since then I don’t let the confusion eat me up anymore.

What friend in your life has been the greatest influence to you? Gabie.

What celebrity do you idolize? I hate that word but I admire Beyoncé a lot.

What's your favorite famous saying? Can’t seem to think of any right now. I don’t really rely on quotes.

#survey #surveys

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familyvisionis2020 · 5 years ago

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Day 6 - The Drive Home

Today was the last day of tour. I wake up in the morning feeling guilty because I have a groggy memory of waking up around 8 to go to the bathroom, Paul was waiting to go, but when the person came out I just fronted him (a word I just now remember from elementary school, cut in line, but southern), used the bathroom and went back to bed. Rude. I am wiping the cold from my eye, taking in the undecorated walls of the apartment, and Jeremy comes from down the hall and says ‘Did you get the memo? Louisville cancelled. Tour’s over.” I said ‘fuck’ and processed it. I feel sad for Jeremy and John and Kabir because I know they wanted to play this last show in Kentucky. It’s not that I didn’t, but also for the last three months and for especially the last month I have been feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about this tour, about feeling out-of-control, about being away from loved ones at home, about being available to show up for people in my life, about completing regular routines of hygiene and spirituality and task completion that make me feel boring and comfortable, both. Touring stirs up dredges of the tea leaves that I had let settle into a fine filmy sediment at the bottom of me. I manufactured a jello mold two years ago and poured myself into it: regular 9-5 in the legal field as a means and precursor to law school, then diligent study for 3 years, then a professional career, abandoning the party life, abandoning trespassing in abandoned buildings, abondoning the luxury of resentment and unproductive time, trying to cool and firm into something reliable, serviceable, dependable, available, a resource people could draw from for once, rather than a leech or slug. And when I go on tour I take that jello mold out of the fridge and it holds its shape but also it warms and the longer I’m out the more liquidy it gets and sloshes over the sides and so forth. So I’m ambivalent because I like what I have to offer to this band, I like the physical process of drumming and expressing myself in the context of music and being a member of a band, but also I feel like I’ve kind of chilled enough and it’s time to settle down. And I’m at a way different point in my life than the other guys in the band it seems like, for the most part. So anyways all this to contextualize the fact that the news of tour ending even earlier than early honestly makes me feel relieved, if not happy, and so then I work to temper that boosted mood for the sake of grim decorum befitting a tour taken before its time.

All our stuff is locked in the venue from last night and we learn we won’t be able to pick it up until 1pm and so we have about 4 hours to kill in the apartment. Phillip puts on a pot of coffee that will turn out to be some of the wateriest on record, but still, a super kind gesture, and then he also puts on The Wire on HBO Go and we just settle in on the couch and watch for awhile. Some of the scenes are familiar, there’s something seductive about this show, and it brings me back to the precise moment of Summer of 2013 right before I moved to Philadelphia right after I got evicted from the squat/music venue I had been living in that winter and spring, I watched all episodes of The Wire on DVD on Matt Martin’s couch at 3 Pomroy and felt deeply depressed. It ranks up there with when I watched all released episodes of The Office in bed in the winter of 2009 after my girlfriend broke up with me, in terms of memorably devestating life phases offset by the amniotic fluid of full-series of TV. So we watch The Wire and I find myself not too inclined to sit and watch and I want to write so I sit at my laptop on the table nearby and write an email to a female (sorry) but I actually do and its purpose is to make her smile and bring some levity and play and purple prose to a moment in her life that, from how she tells it to me, is just so heavy, nightmares and waking horror and a future that feels like it hangs by a thread. so I’m glad to spend time showing up for her in this small way rather than watching The Wire, and also I write yesterday’s blog post, another activity that feels sort of like a pittance but also like: doing-writing is something I have been putting off, in phases and seasons, for my entire adult life, because to me nothing ever matters enough to write about, or if it does my perspective is deficient, or my research inadequate, or my skill incommensurate with the subject matter, or it won’t properly reflect my feelings, or any number of self-sabotaging excuses to not do this thing I so love doing, and love sharing. So for me, writing this blog is a very meaningful and special act of reclamation of a personal mode of expression that constitutes a break in my winter’s depression and what feels like a new phase of happiness, of believing-i-have-a-future, of feeling more authoratative and qualified to know and describe my own experience in a lifetime marred and dampened by dissociation, oblivion, amnesia, and fugue. So it feels like nourishment to get some paragraphs done and to move slow through my days, get them onto the page.

The Wire grows tiresome at some point and Jeremy fires up the PS4 and then the PS3 looking for games but none are multiplayer and so eventually he settles on Skyrim and starts from a new file. Me personally I love watching let’s plays and this is as good as TV. There was a moment last tour when we were in this strange small town in Connecticut called Torrington (the town all touring bands are required to go to, we also joked), in this town Jeremy was describing the sort of surrealness he experienced there and he said he felt like the townspeople in Torrington were like NPCs in a FPS RPG like Skyrim wherein you would go up to people and press A to talk, say ‘What news?” and that I thought was really funny then, I like his sense of humor. Really Kabir and Jeremy and Royal represent this sort of humor that is to me equal parts razor wit, cleverness, timing, accents, absurdity, and broad conceptual placticity, all for the most part very clean too, never or at least rarely blue (you’re gonna inevitably make a D’s nuts joke and that’s just that). And during happy times I am so grateful to be nearby this humor and during less happy times I get self conscious about how great their humor is and how I sometimes feel like I don’t measure up. But that feeling doesn’t weigh for long. Skyrim is fun to watch, it kills some time, we all take turns trying to kill wolves with swords before Jeremy finally does it, there’s a dragon, we loot corpses, discuss Bloodborne and Dark Souls and comparable games. A lot of the main media activity in this group is discussing how a given media relates to another media, Kabir and Jeremy and John know it seems like everything between the three of them when it comes to record labels, band narratives, artist’s hometowns, etc. So we play Skyrim for awhile, and then eventually it’s time to go to the venue and we drive back to The Salty Nut, load in all our gear, do a final sweep, and say our goodbyes and thankyous to Phillip. We return to the Bandido place one last time for one last round of free local Taco Bell which we absolutely scarf and are very vocally grateful to the people for giving it to us for free again, it’s clear they really put effort into being hospitable to touring bands here, at least through Phillip. His band, Thomas Function, was signed on Fat Possum Records, which also had bigger indie acts like Jay Reatard (who Phillip tells a story about him demanding $50,000 in cash for a show fee to feed his coke and heroin habit, Reatard died at age 29 from cocaine toxicity with alcohol also), The Black Keys, Andrew Bird, Wavves and Soccer Mommy, but which Kabir postulates has most of its success due to having signed octogenarian southern blues legends like R.L. Burnside and King Ernest and raking in royalties from what Kabir speculates is due to poor management of the estates of these dead leagends who each had more than a dozen children. It’s truly fascinating for me to hear how deep and complex the analysis of music these guys have is. When I feel insecure, which is often, I tend to veneer these sorts of expertises and shibboleths among music-heads as snobby, elitist, exclusionary, petty and asinine. But I think most of that comes from a fear that I lack the insight, cognitive absorbency, and passionate research skills to collate and catalog data about artists in the way these people do, the way my bandmates do. I feel inspired to take time to dig deeper into the musicans I love, to make them real to me, to get a sense of their story, their lived experience, for the sake of corroding the mediation between us somewhat, or at least polishing the media membrane.

I volunteer to drive for the first half of what will end up being about a 10-hour drive back from Huntsville to Chapel Hill. We go to a Whole Foods in Huntsville upon Kabir’s insistence where I purchase a nootropic snakeoil energy affair in beverage form, Kabir gets hot coffee and a La Colombe Draft can of latte, Jeremy gets a kombucha made from yerba mate (“best of both worlds” he says), John black coffee as per, and Kabir also buys a slice of Tres Leches cake in a clear plastic to-go clamshell: “they can take away my tour, but they can’t take away my tres leches.” Later he’s eating it in the van and he accidentally spills some on himself and he says “shit…spilled some on myself. oh good, it was only one leche” which to me is so funny and perfect humor and just like kind of a paragon of the kind of joke I so treasure from this friend group. Another is when Jeremy and Kabir are recalling a favorite running joke from two tours ago, wherein they were in Philly, home to the famous Schuykill River (pronounced skoo-kill, at least when i lived there, at least around the non-indigenous people i knew), and while there they would affect this blaring Brooklyn accent, deployed heavily on this trip as well for basically any purpose, but back then they would say “UGH MY SKOYKL IS KILLING ME” like Schuykill was lombago or sciatica and also would say “YEAH LET ME GET A KWATA POUND OF SKOYKL ON RYE” like it was a deli meat, and they laughed and laughed. Also they liked doing rhyming jokes like last night there was a chair nearby the combo amp Tired Frontier was going to use for their set and Kabir goes ‘amp on the chair, tone everywhere’ and then I say ‘amp on the ground, makes a bad sound’ and then I tell Jeremy later how Kabir would put me in good spirits whenever I was describing to someone how my LSAT score is very competitive but my checkered past makes the acceptance process a little less than straightforward, and Kabir would see I was getting kinda down and anxious, and he would say ‘You gotta break the law before you make the law,’ and we all laugh and I love that, the function of humor as balm, salve. I want to wield my humor like that.

The drive back is fine, some sprinkles, nothing major, clear traffic for the most part, I feel like I have a good command of the van, keep it around 75 for most of the trip, feel smoth and confident switching lanes, passing, etc. We do another two NYT Wednesday classic crosswords together, Kabir is getting probably 40% of the clues, me maybe 30% Jeremy and John the other 30%, Kabir will just to YEAHHHHHHHH after getting a clue and I start doing that too after Jeremy says “X down, ‘on the table’ 15 letters,” and I say UPFORDISCUSSION after only a couple seconds and it fits and is correct and I feel like a damn genius and we’re all laughing and kind of praising each other half-jokingly for being strong beautiful geniuses who also we know songs. This is a great passtime and the drive flies by and before I know it we’re in Western NC just outside of Asheville and we make a stop to refuel the tank and get dinner. We decide on a Waffle House across the street, not wanting to venture too deep into Asheville for something healthier and better because of the time and money it would likely eat up, Kabir says that FEMA uses the closing of Waffle Houses as a bellweather to indicate the severity of a given natural disaster. We go inside, the waitress says ‘ya’ll aren’t from around here are you?’ in a way that I take to be hostile and I suggest that to the guys and they seem like maybe slightly offput but not very much and we decide not to abort and I later feel foolish because I think I am doing this thing where I become excessively vigilant or sensitive to a perceived slight to a friend who is brown for the putative purpose of interceding on their behalf against racism but what’s actually happening is if someone was racist to them they could just stand up for themselves and make their own call regarding their own comfort or lack thereof and I would do better to act less motivated by white guilt when avoidable. That passes, it’s fine, we eat hash browns and waffles and eggs and grits and toast and cover everything in tobasco and tip well and get back on the road, John takes over for the final stretch.

I return a call from Marty and catch him up about tour being cancelled and we discuss our fears and hysteria and cancellations and reaction and so forth. Marty remarks that he is a gravedigger during the plague, which is the best possible job to have. It’s not a joke because he actually drives a backhoe working for a cemetary and digs actual graves, super weird and eminently punk/goth and kind of a curiosity but really perfect for the lead singer of one of the South’s premiere punk bands, especially after his being fired from the swish cafe he worked at in Richmond before that. I love Marty and catching up and it feels good to hear his voice. After I get off the phone it sort of becomes campfire spooky story time in the van with everyone proffering their take on the panic, market failure, the likelihood of Capitalism as a superstructure to require perpetual growth even at the peril or death of its working class, the superior response to covid that South Korea and Norway seem to have mounted, a lot of fear of financial insecurity. Eventually this digresses to talk of touring, and the guys discuss all manner of various routes throught the South, Midwest, Northeast, plains states, PNW, Mexico City, Jeremy says ‘I can get us a show in Colombia’ which he can, Argentina or Venezuela through a mutual friend, then Europe so long as the label foots the bill for the plane ticket, then Japan, setting up camp on Honshu would make it easy to hit TOkyo, Kyoto, Osaka and Nagoya no problem, except where exactly are people playing shows? there’s gotta be somewhere all these Japanese Noise and Hardcore bands are getting gigs, and then from there of course it’s not hard to get to Australia, John knows a band there, and they go all around the world and this is stressing me out a little bit, only because I wonder about how much they think I would be involved or want to go on such a theoretical tour, and the answer is I don’t 100% know. Part of me wants to say this is my last tour, lean all the way in to law school and leave behind this chapter. Part of me feels like it’s better not to make a hard and fast statement like that because what if the economy collapses and for some reason school is a no-go but being in the band becomes the most plausible source of income or something. I get anxious and psych myself out and quiet down and feel foolish and wish to be home. I fantasize about my future life of stability, but I second guess myself because I just don’t know for sure how my life will be, and want to be careful to work toward the goals I think will be the most fulfilling, self-actualizing, spiritually nourishing, healthy for me; I also want to not forsake the friendships and bonds I’ve forged in these weird intimate moments in the van with the guys. I have the wherewithal to know that nobody is requiring me to make a decision right this second, and that as time passes it’s likely that the best course of action will be revealed one way or another if I can keep from panicking. So I watch videos of the 2019 Classic Tetris World Championships on my phone, eat two candy bars, watch videos of a streamer named Wumbotize play the latest Tetris game, Tetris Effect (2018, PS4, PC), and am pleasantly awed by how crazily far the skill curve of that game has shot up. I have some time ahead of me that is completely free, which is so nice. Before I know it I’m back home in my clean apartment which is tidy like a tetris field at the beginning of a new game and I get into my bed and lay down flat and if my bed is the well than the line of me clears and the well is clean, smooth, primed, for whatever falls tomorrow.

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