#the app isn’t the best in all aspects but i always need to have music playing

[sirghostyboi]

recently been listening to florence + the machine and realizing i’ve heard some of her songs before… nevertheless i’m OBSESSED with the lungs album 😌

[luvknow]

anything for you | lee felix

genre: rich kid!felix x reader | rich kid au ; friends-to-lovers au ; food ; swearing warning ; alcohol warning ; drinking and driving warning ; abuse warning summary: felix’s family owns the largest restaurant franchise in the country and your family works under them. you two have spent your entire lives together and somehow you’ve turned into mini versions of your parents with a boss and secretary type relationship. it wasn’t until last year on his birthday when he tells you he loves you while drunk that your friendship dynamic dramatically changes, and it’s not for the better when he pretends it never happened. wc: 11.2k

You and Felix were two peas in a pod.

From the moment you two were born until your last months at university, you were tied in this relationship for life. Were you two dating? No, of course not! Were you two friends? Well…

Your friendship with Felix was complicated because it was kind of… bought. There was no way to put it lightly, that was simply the origin of your relationship. It all started when Felix’s rich ass CEO of a Dad hired your Dad to be his right hand man in all decision-making aspects of the company he ran. You thought of your Dad as a Chancellor to the King, which I mean was still a high position in the company, but your peers around you thought otherwise.

You attended all the same schools as Felix (thanks to his Dad’s connections), attended the same after school activities (also thanks to his Dad), and even attended the same overseas summer camps (thanks to his Dad who owned the plane that flew everyone). Even then, after being on the same level as Felix for over twenty years, everyone saw you as Felix’s Secretary who waited on his every word. As a kid, your Dad was transparent about how all the privileges you had were all because of Felix and his family and that you should always treat them with respect. And as an impressionable kid, of course you took that a little too literal.

Your Secretary title started in Pre-School when Felix was crying because he forgot his toy to take a nap with at home, so you offered yours. Those small, kind gestures turned into getting him drinks and snacks whenever he wanted, to tutoring him in subjects he had trouble with, to completing essays he didn’t want to complete, and you did it all without ever complaining.

So despite receiving all the same opportunities as all the other inheritance-dependent kids, you were the bottom-feeder of your entire grade.

“_____ ~” Felix whined while entering your apartment. “I’m hungry.”

You exited your bedroom fixing the last couple buttons on your dress shirt. You’re not surprised to see him in the least, as you’re used to him coming in whenever he pleased since he owned the other copy of the apartment keys. “I have food in the fridge.”

“I don’t want a huge meal before the shareholders meeting.”

“You know where the snacks are, what are you waiting for?”

“I just wanted to ask just in case.”

The excited boy wasted no time invading your pantry and grabbing a handful of fruit snack packets, some he stuffed in his dress pants pockets and some he immediately tore open. He made himself home by flopping on your couch, also known as his second bed, and scrolled through his rotation of dating apps while waiting for his dear friend to finish getting ready.

“Don’t lie down like that!” you nagged. “Your pants are going to get all wrinkly!”

Rolling his eyes, Felix sat up straight, to which you immediately fixed random strands of hair  that strayed away from the rest of his slick-back style.

“What are you, my mom?” he mumbled, swatting away your hands.

“Don’t you know how important this meeting is? We could land our internships today.”

“Do you really think I need to worry about that?”

“I guess not… You don’t even want to try out another company for a semester? Scope out your partners?”

“That’s exactly why I shouldn’t be doing that. I’ll look so shady! You probably shouldn’t be thinking about doing that either.”

A small pout emerges from your lips. As much as you owe the Lees and their company your life, you’d like to think the possibility of freeing yourself from their financial shackles was high, even if it was for just one semester. But Felix was right - in order to avoid any spying controversies, it was probably best to not even think about another company. Basically, you were trapped with this company for life.

“Ready to go?” Felix broke the silence. He was the first to leave your couch and head for the door without even bothering to wait for you to catch up.

When you finished locking your front door, you caught Felix looking at your business casual outfit a little too closely. If you weren’t so quick with your reflexes, you would have bumped right into his oddly bulging chest (has he been working out lately?). Still, his foxy eyes scanned you up and down, slowly and intimately.

“Wh-What are you doing…?” you asked nervously. “Is my outfit too bland? It’s ugly, isn’t it? I can’t really glam up for a business meeting, you know.”

“Chill, why are you being hella defensive right now?” he teased. “No, you look good. Honest. Good enough to stand next to me, at least. I wouldn’t stand next to Father if I were you.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“You kind of fit that secretary stereotype you like so much. Especially since you’ll be following me around all day.”

“I do not!”

“Yeah, ok,” Felix tossed you the keys to his expensive black sports car, to which you were also covered as a driver by his insurance. For someone who owns several expensive cars, he sure hates driving them. “Shotty.”

“There’s only two of us…”

The car ride was mostly silent other than the deafening rap music that blared through the subwoofers. Felix could tell you were nervous depending on how talkative you were. If you were blabbering on about how you looked or something arbitrary for at least fifteen minutes, you were probably nervous about a date or maybe a quiz that was coming up in class. If you were silent, he knew that the matter was much more serious. Silence meant that you believed no matter what you did to change yourself or improve upon past mistakes, there was no hope and that whatever was coming was absolute.

“Don’t worry about today,” he reassured after reading your mind. “It’s not like you’re talking in front of hundreds of people at the meeting.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re used to this type of crowd.”

“Are you not? We have class with those good-for-nothing kids of theirs, it’s like the same thing!”

“It is definitely not the same thing! These people have power and they’re smart! The uni is full of idiots who got in with bribes!”

“And you don’t think our shareholders do their fair share of bribing?”

“Of course they do, and that’s what makes them even more terrifying, Felix! They have that kind of power to either buy my entire life or buy out and make sure I never see anyone’s faces again!”

“You say it like you haven’t been shackled to me for over twenty years.”

“That’s different ok, I was a commodity, I couldn’t change anything as a fetus.”

“And now you think you can?”

“I mean, I’d like to think so. Am I crazy?”

“No, not at all.” Gingerly, Felix patted your head like a little kid. “You’ll be just fine ~ I can even introduce you to the ones you want to talk to if you’d like.”

“That’s ok. I’d like to try on my own.”

He understood completely. How he wished he could have that little bit of freedom… To even think about leaving the company behind to work for someone else was blasphemous.

The shareholders meeting was a social event like no other - like, it might as well be a ball with all the people attending and all the press surrounding and being in the building. You pulled up to the normal valet guy who only chuckled at your shocked expression. Felix, on the other hand, wasn’t all that surprised and was rather annoyed at how something as simple as a meeting was getting this much attention.

After dodging all of the press and making it through several thresholds to reach the conference room, you helped Felix prepare for his opening speech.

“You seem more nervous than me,” Felix teased while you quickly smoothed out the wrinkles in his jacket.

“I'm nervous all the damn time.”

“Well, can you quit it before I start sweating? This outfit was expensive. Do you have my speech?”

Searching through your trusty bottomless bag that held everything from tips from your part-time at the cafe to snacks in case Felix got whiny, you pulled out a medium-sized notepad with his opening speech written on it.

“Really, _____? Hand written?”

“My sentences sound better when I write them down instead of typing it!”

“At least it’s legible.” Felix’s Dad announced over the microphone on stage that the meeting will begin shortly. He saw the both of you standing off to the side and waved happily, to which you both could only wave back. The boy in front of you sighed, and it’s the first time today he seemed only slightly nervous. He turned to you. “How do I look?”

How did the most handsome boy you’ve come to know look this morning? Dressed in navy with a white button-down, ears bejeweled and shining in the bright lights, his eyes and his smile sly and foxy, so of course to you he was the only one in the room who you had your eyes on because no one else could ever compare. That’s how it’s always been. 

Gentle fingers startled Felix, only for him to realize you were fixing his monogrammed silver tie clip. “You look just fine.”

“‘Just fine’? Not the sexiest man in the entire world?”

“I’d hardly call you a man…”

“Welcome to the YONGBOK Inc. Shareholders Meeting,” greeted your Father while on stage. Felix noticeably cringed at the sound of his birth name slash company name. “We will begin this meeting with an opening remark from Mr. Lee’s son, Felix.”

“Go get ‘em, Tiger,” you whispered with two thumbs up.

A loud round of applause erupted from the audience filled with press and shareholders. Lee Felix was named one of the most influential people under twenty-five this year and has consistently landed spots on Forbes’ 30 Under 30 list so yes, Felix was always highly anticipated as a guest to fashion shows and charity balls and even more so as a speaker for his future company. Though it was only less than a minute ago he was jittery with nerves, the second he stepped on stage in front of the podium, it was as if he was born to be a public speaker.

“Good morning, honored guests,” he began in his deep voice that startled unfamiliar guests..

His speech - your speech - wasn’t that long, since it was a simple welcome to all the rich people who gave the Lee’s their money. Regardless of its length, Felix somehow drifted his gaze towards the right where you stood. You, who always stood by him and was his friend through everything, stood at the sidelines giving him your unwavering support, even through this minor milestone. Despite this huge corporate building being the last place you want to be, still, you were here by his side.

In your eyes though, it looked like maybe his stage fright was worse than you expected, so you gave him two thumbs up again for reassurance. You couldn’t really tell what he was thinking because he seemed totally fine, in fact his execution was quite flawless, it was just… Why wouldn’t he look into the cameras? The stage lights that shined on him showcased the bright grin he gave when he saw how confused you looked.

“We will continue to work hard together so that YONGBOK will continue being the best restaurant franchise in the country,” was the motto of the company and how Felix ended the speech. With a deep bow and a wink for fan service, he exited the stage.

He fell into your arms clutching his heart. “Ugh, that was so scary!”

“You did fine,” you mumbled, quickly pushing him off before any cameras caught you. Still, he swung an arm around your shoulders unapologetically.

“All right, let’s ditch this popsicle stand.”

“You know we can’t do that or our Fathers will kill us.”

“You think I haven’t died and resurrected like a rising phoenix dozens of times?”

“Leave if you want, it’s your suicide.”

“You won’t come with me?” the handsome boy pouted.

“I’m not actually your secretary, you know.”

“I know, but I’ll be so lonely… Did you at least bring a snack?”

Felix decided to stay when he realized you weren’t kidding about wanting to sit through the entire meeting. Your right ear was focused on all the questions shareholders and the press had while your left ear focused on the child you were babysitting playing with the chocolate bar wrapper. Eventually the conflicting sounds merged into one when the lack of caffeine in your veins made it hard to concentrate for long hours.

“Bet you wished you left with me a couple hours ago, huh?” Felix teased once everything was over.

“Whatever. The important thing is that it’s over now.”

“Are you going to go talk with some of the shareholders?”

That was the original plan - to land an internship at a different company and slowly but surely escape the bubble that is the Lees’ world, but what was the use of making life harder on yourself if you’ll just be seen as a spy? What was the use in anything anymore when your life was determined the moment you came out of the womb?

You shook your head tiredly. “Nah, I think I’ll save that for another time.”

Felix linked his arm with yours like you were the gentleman and he was the lady. The warmth of another body so close to yours was only familiar when it was his, and you wished your body was unbiased and rejected anything within a five feet radius. “You wanna hang out with me that much?”

“Who said I’m hanging out with you? I’m driving you home.”

“No come on, let’s hang out today! Neither of us have class and when was the last time it was just the two of us?”

By ‘just the two of you’, he meant when was the last time you and him hung out without any business involved? When was the last time you and him had pizza together after a long week of midterms and studying, or the last time he picked you up from your part time at the cafe to have a cup of coffee, or the last time you talked about anything other than being ordered around by the Prince himself?

The answer to that question was last year on his birthday when he got too wasted and you didn’t have the strength to carry him up his multi-story mansion, so instead you carried him up to your humble apartment and let him crash on your bed the whole weekend (insisted upon staying the whole weekend because all the puking made him ‘weak’ and ‘dehydrated’).

Truth be told, you loved Felix’s company, whether it was business or personal. The hesitation was because you wondered if he truly felt the same way, especially since he never spoke about that night on his birthday. That night, a lot was said, but nothing was ever confirmed, so you were left in limbo while Felix managed to live in ignorant bliss.

It was better this way.

“I guess it’s been a while…” you trailed off.

“It’s been forever, love. Can we go to your cafe? I’m really craving the strawberry milk latte thing.”

“Anything for you, Felix ~”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

“Felix,” the haunting voice of his father echoed from behind. “Come here for a second -”

“That’s our cue!” The wild blond took you by the hand and sprinted out the conference room doors before his dad could catch him.

As if already predicting the time of events for the shareholders meeting, the valet already had the sports call pulled up and tossed you the keys for maximum efficiency.

“Hey, you’re hand-eye coordination is getting better!” Felix teased while hopping in the front seat.

“And your fear for your dad is not.”

“It’s not fear, it’s pure distaste. Completely different.”

The short ride to your cafe was anything but quiet as Felix filled you in on his most recent Tinder match. The story was something along the lines of ‘she was hot, but kind of stupid’, and you weren’t exactly sure what came after that because, well, you didn’t care. Hearing about the guy you were in love with slash your childhood friend slash the guy whose family bought out your family’s current dating app situation wasn’t exactly the most ideal setting, but hey, it beats sitting in that conference room for any longer.

The cafe was surprisingly not as busy around lunch time, even though it was Friday. Other than a few customers, the only other person in the cafe was your coworker Wooyoung who was busy dramatically singing to whatever drama OST was playing over the intercom.

“Are you making it?” Felix asked, referring to his strawberry latte.

“I wasn’t planning on it since I’m not working.”

“... Can you?”

“Are you serious!?”

“The last time someone other than you made my drinks, they tasted watery!”

He wasn’t wrong - a lot of the baristas here were a bit lazy with the job. You and Wooyoung were among the very few who genuinely cared for the cafe, the menu, and its customers. You supposed you could take a moment to step away from Felix - you sort of missed the barista behind the counter, anyways.

“Sit tight,” you told Felix, who obeyed happily at his favorite table.

Wooyoung with his cutesy cheeky grin chucked one of the ugly brown work aprons right at your face, to which you only whipped right back.

“I’m not working and you know that!”

“Can’t a guy dream to have the same shift with his favorite coworker? What are you doing here then?”

“Making a strawberry latte.”

“For yourself or for His Highness over there?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

Wooyoung knew all too well what your relationship was like with Felix and that was because he was also one of the elite, also known as a trust fund son. Wooyoung and Felix were from the same side of a coin, reigning from families whose net worth could buy out entire towns. The circle of the elite had a lot of members, but it was tight-knit, so everyone knew everything about everyone else. You were included in Felix’s dossier.

“You know, _____, you are your own person,” Wooyoung tisked as he hovered over you making the fruity drink. It was as simple as pouring milk over some strawberry compote (Felix liked it when there was extra compote) and shaking vigorously.

“You telling me that whenever I come in with him totally makes it more valid than the last time.”

“You know I’m just looking out for you.” His soft fingers gently pinched your cheeks. “You’re so sour today, I kind of like it.”

“Aren’t you known for liking people who have zero interest in you?”

“Exactly, so you better watch your attitude or I’ll steal you away from Mr. Lee Felix ~”

“You’re so weird!” Even so, Wooyoung stole a kiss on your bruised cheek before helping the customer at the counter. The aftermath left your face burning up, even though you were used to his flirtatiousness by now.

Of course Felix saw the entire interaction. Though he tried to hide behind his phone, he made sure to still have a view of whatever you and that spoiled ‘I-own-a-yacht’ Wooyoung were doing. You were much different around him than you were with that cheeky bastard behind the counter. With Felix, you were strict, quiet, and pouty, but with Wooyoung you were able to smile more and joke around and even laugh when you flicked whipped cream in his hair. In those short five minutes, that was a type of you he hasn’t been able to see since high school.

But now? You were so cold and distant. He could barely hang out with you without it seeming like it was some business meeting. What changed?

Felix watched you walk back to him holding his pink drink with your cheeks to match its color.

“I didn’t know you two were so close,” he said bitterly after you both exited the cafe.

“We work together, of course we’re close. You’re welcome, by the way.”

You’ll take his happy humming as he inhaled the latte as a thank you. “You talk about how much you hate some of your coworkers all the time!”

“I guess I do… but he’s different.”

“Of course he is…”

The handsome and pouty boy beside you did his best to ignore your accusing glare. “Do you have some beef with him, or something.”

“No,” he said simply in between gulps. “I just don’t like him.”

“You don’t like any boy I talk to.”

“Exactly.”

“So what happens when I really like someone? Do they need your ‘Lee Seal of Approval’?”

“Yup.”

You sighed heavily. “Why do you enjoy making my life so hard?”

“Because I love you, that’s why!”

You couldn’t count on all your fingers and toes how many times Felix has said ‘I love you’ since his birthday party. With his special day coming up again, the words hit harder than usual, even when you knew he was joking, but no ‘I love you’ hurt more than the first time he said it last year before he passed out on your bed.

Speaking of which, “Sooo ~ Guess what next week is ~?” Felix sang cheekily after hopping in the car.

“Uh, midterms week?”

“No ~”

“Buy one get one free soju at the karaoke place?”

“No…”

“Oh wait, isn’t it Han’s birthday next week?” He knew you were trying to push his buttons, but it clearly worked by the way he was glaring at you. “Yeah, that must be it.”

“So mean…”

“Are you two throwing a joint party again?”

“Yeah, but I think we’re skipping the club scene and throwing it at his house instead.”

“Wow, the Lee Felix is tired of the club scene?” you scoffed. “Never thought I would see the day.”

“Maybe it’s just my eyesight getting worse - I’d like to see who I’m hitting on for once.” One sharp stab in your heart. “Will you help me plan?”

Did you really have any other choice? “Of course.”

“Yes ~ This’ll totally top last year’s party!”

You sure hoped so, and you hoped you wouldn’t remember a single moment of it.

--

Planning for the party didn’t start until a couple days before the big date. Since Jisung was hosting, it was Felix’s responsibility to come up with all the decor and the theme and literally all the smaller bits and pieces of the party.

“Honey, I’m home ~” Felix sang as he walked into your apartment. An aroma of fresh spices and cooked meat and roasted vegetables hit his nose upon entering. “Whoa, are you cooking!?”

“We can’t plan on an empty stomach,” you stated the obvious. Immediately, a bowl of rice and the fixings was handed to the grinning boy.

“I love it when you cook. I haven’t eaten your cooking in a while.”

“I didn’t know you liked my cooking,” you blushed. “I haven’t cooked for you that often.”

“It’s because we’re both always so busy or we just eat the restaurant’s food when we’re lazy.” A happy hum came from his lips. “You have a mad talent for this, you know.”

“Do I?”

“Of course! The Boy with the God Tongue himself said so!” Being the future heir of the country’s largest restaurant franchise meant ridiculous chef-related nicknames, to which Felix enjoyed whole-heartedly. “You know this means I’m never going to let you leave YONGBOK.”

“Can you stop, you’re so embarrassing, it’s not that amazing!”

“You stop! Quit undermining your talents.”

“If it’s so good, what do you like about it?”

“For one, there’s tons of balance between the flavors. It’s also not as salty, which is what some of the chefs in some locations are having trouble with lately. But the best part is that it feels like home when I eat your cooking.”

“Like home? Like… as if your in-house chef was cooking it?”

Felix chuckled cutely. “No, I mean it feels like someone who loves me very much made this with lots of care.”

You’re too stunned to say anything right away. It felt as if Felix caught you in his trap and was forcing you to admit something that he knew from the very start. But now was not the time nor was it the place. As a response, you turned away and chugged the rest of your glass of water.

“Right,” you cleared your throat awkwardly. “G-Glad you liked it.”

Felix wondered why you wouldn’t look at him. “S-So, let’s get started?”

You took a bowl of food for yourself and refilled Felix’s before settling down at the table. “Do you have an idea for a theme?”

“Ok, hear me out - casino themed?”

“Isn't that underage gambling? Sounds super illegal to me.”

“Right, right… Ok, how about, uh, a masquerade?”

“Not bad, but a little cliche, no?”

“But it’s so sexy! Classy clothes, bejeweled masks -”

“Choreographed waltzing?”

“Yes! For the first half of course, then we’ll probably bump the real shit after a couple of drinks.”

“Hm, I actually like that.” You entered the theme into your notes. “Cool, we have a theme down. Now for all the decoration…”

That itself took about an hour. Imagine, talking about banners and balloon arches, and personalized masks for a whole hour with the most indecisive human being alive. How he’s expected to make major decisions for a multi-million dollar company one day, you’ll never know.

“Ugh,” you were over it, at least for another hour. You couldn’t take comparing different shades of gold and different grades of champagne anymore. Your couch was supposed to be your safe space away from Felix, but he followed you like a puppy and laid his head on your lap.

“This weekend is going to be so much fun! Did you get me a gift yet ~?”

“Uh, maybe…”

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise, silly.”

“Can I at least get a hint?”

“Probably the cheapest gift you’ll get.”

“Hey.” Felix silenced any doubt you had about your gift by taking one of your hands in his and holding it over his chest. He closed his eyes, tired from the day, tired by your constant doubts, tired of it all. “You know I don’t care about that kind of stuff when it comes to you.”

“I know, but I do.”

“Well, don’t. My favorite gifts have always been from you.”

“Even more than the diamond chain from Chan?”

“... Your gifts are my favorite after that one.” Your free hand poked his freckled cheek, causing him to laugh and smile brighter than the sun. Lying here with you made him happy. “I miss hanging out with you like this.”

“We hang out all the time!”

“Not like this. We never just chill out together and not worry about anything. We’re always worrying about something, especially since we started uni.”

“Uni sort of defines our future, so of course there’s tons to worry about.”

“Not for me. My life has been predetermined. If you think about it, uni doesn’t define your future, either.”

“I wish you didn’t tell me that,” you groaned. “You’re so right. What’s the point when the two of us are just going to take over our Father’s positions, anyways!?”

“Does our future together sound that miserable to you?” he teased. You wished he didn’t word it that way.

“Not miserable, but doesn’t it suck that we don’t have that sort of freedom? You and I have had our lives predetermined since birth!”

“Perhaps it was fate that you would be my Chancellor and I would be your King,” Felix snickered.

“Call it whatever you want, but where’s the joy we could get from spontaneity and disorder?”

“Good point. But I think you and I will find that joy just fine.”

“You think so?”

“Mhm. Life will always be a joy if I’m with you.” A tired smile spread across his lips. “You and I make a disorderly pair.”

You and him were definitely a disorderly pair. It was like you two were in a modern-day forbidden friendship that was only seen in royal fairy tales. Felix was the Prince, the apple of everyone’s eye, the boy with the highest ranking just below the King. You were the lowly common person who devoted their life to the castle and serving the royal family. Somehow, even with the drastic gap between your social classes, you both found each other and became inseparable. 

Through childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, the time spent together naturally formed your feelings for Felix to nothing less than love. You were the number one witness of seeing him laugh, smile, cry, and scream through all his happiness, sadness, and anger. You were the only one who knew the exact number of freckles that dusted his cheeks. You knew what specific snacks he wanted for certain craving occasions, his favorite orders at every restaurant, how he liked his instant ramen (with egg, American cheese, and green onions), and especially his cafe drink orders. When they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you supposed that was especially true for Felix.

After over twenty whole years together, how the fuck were you supposed to avoid falling in love? How were you supposed to look at Felix and feel with your whole chest that you were not madly in love with his beautiful face and his kind heart? When Felix told you he loved you with slurred words on his birthday last year, how were you supposed to let that go and live on like you didn’t cry in the shower for a whole month afterwards?

You put the blame for the disorder in this messed-up friendship all on Felix, but you couldn’t help but clean it up and do your best to keep it together. So when he forgot he said those magic words, you did your best to forget them, too, but the best you could do was bury the memory away and cover it up with work and school. It wasn’t the most ideal way to deal with the issue, you knew that, but the important part was that it was working even if it was just a little bit.

Felix was the first to wake up the next morning. You didn’t move a single muscle and ended up sleeping upright since he used you as a pillow. Still, your hand was in his and the other tangled in his messy blond hair and truly, being here with you was the only place that felt like home.

--

The day of the party was filled with chaos on your end, as you had to wake up at 6:00 am just to make it to Jisung’s pool house in time to set up the decorations for the joint birthday party. You ended up directing all the crews to where the cocktail tables needed to be set up, where the instagram photobooth should go, and where the Michelin-star chefs were going to set up for dinner. The most important part was the dance floor, which would be clean with nothing but some shoe scuffs for the first couple of hours and probably stained with different colors of liquor by the end of the night.

By noon you were totally wiped out having a stomach full of only coffee and a granola bar. The worst part was that you didn’t get a chance to buy a mask yet and would probably have to settle for some cheap recycled paper with sequins and feathers glued on it from the birthday party store down the block.

But as if the Gods’ translated your feelings telepathically to Felix, your Prince in shining armor came to the rescue with a sandwich, more coffee, and something in a matte black gift bag. The gesture, though small, made your cheeks burn the brightest of pinks. It was your first time seeing and talking with Felix since he left the comfort of your lap a couple of nights ago. Although you were unsure of yourself (as with any situation, am I right?), the Prince didn’t seem so phased.

“I figured you could use a pick-me-up,” he grinned brightly, handing you all the goods.

“You are a blessing,” you sighed, chugging the iced coffee. “What’s in the black bag?”

“It’s a surprise. Open it.”

“I thought today was your birthday?”

“It’s nothing big, I promise!”

You shot him a skeptical look, but opened up the gift regardless. Inside was an intricately bejeweled mask for tonight, colored perfectly to match your outfit.

“I went to your apartment because I thought you’d be there,” Felix began shyly. “I went to your room and saw your entire outfit laid out, but no mask, so I figured you didn’t have one yet. I bought one to match your outfit and to match mine! Mine looks exactly like that, but black.”

“You really didn’t have to,” you pouted, though staring at the shiny jewels adoringly. It was gorgeous and you never thought in your lifetime you could own anything so glamorous. The gesture lifted an extremely loaded weight off your shoulders and you couldn’t help but hug the birthday boy as a thank you. “You’re the best, thank you.”

“Anything for you, love.”

“Also, please stop going into my bedroom.”

“What, afraid I’m going to raid your panties?”

“Yes.”

“That’s fair.”

Felix spent the rest of the day helping you make the pool house perfect since it was also technically his job as the co-host. Holding the ladder while you hung up crystal decor was reminiscent of past Christmas parties that his family hosted. Your two families would come together and prepare the cookies, the eggnog, and the presents for the whole morning before the big party that started around dinner time, and you and Felix were in charge of the Christmas tree. He’s not too big on heights, so he always made you hang the ornaments on the top layer. It was a very adult networking and old people gambling games type of party, so you and Felix would always sneak off into his basement and play video games or watch corny movies with a stolen tray of sugar cookies.

The Christmas before uni was probably the last one where you two felt like kids and didn’t have to worry about what kinds of feelings would get in the way of your beautiful friendship.

“Ugh, my calves are burning,” you whined on your way down from the ladder. Your legs gave out on the second step down and the weight of your tired body pulled you down, causing you to drop to your death from a mere five feet above.

Luckily, your Prince had quick reflexes and caught you bridal style. As kids, it was surprising when Felix could carry anything even half his weight with his twiggy arms, but the fact that he could hold you without struggling or even breaking a sweat was the closest you’ve ever experienced a miracle.

A gentle, handsome smile came from his lips. “You ok?” he asked in his deep voice.

No, you’re definitely not, but lying was ok in this situation. “F-F-Fine! I am fine!”

“Are you sure?”

“Y-Yes! Uh, you can put me down now…!”

“Hm, but I kind of like holding you like this.” You hit his rock-hard chest lightly, to which he recoiled dramatically before placing you down gently. “Is that how you thank your hero!?”

“Thank you, My Hero.”

“That’s more like it.”

It wasn’t until around dinner time when you left Felix alone to be in charge of guiding all the caterers to their cooking spots while you sped home to get ready as fast as you could. You didn’t want to leave Felix in charge for more than an hour, otherwise there would be more room for error.

You must have had such little faith in him because he did as was told without any issues and was done well before the party was going to start. He took the down time to put on his satin black suit and fix his blond hair before putting on the matching mask. While looking in the floor-to-ceiling mirror, of course he admitted to himself that he would be the sexiest one at the party, but something about the view didn’t seem right. He didn’t have you beside him hyping him up like always. The view in the mirror was lonely without you.

“Good job with the chefs!” you called into the dressing room unannounced.

Felix could see you jogging in wearing the full outfit he saw on your bed this morning, now complete with the mask he gifted you in the reflection of the mirror. The view of you was stunning, so much to the point that the Prince himself was too afraid to turn around and look at you with his own eyes. You reminded him of the story of Medusa, who would turn men into stone if they dared to look at you, and Felix thought that he was well past that point, already frozen in place with his jaw dropped and hands fixated on his crooked tie.

Luckily, you didn’t seem to notice as you stepped in between him and the mirror. The feel of your knuckles brushing up against his chest broke him free of his frozen state, causing him to hitch his breath in his throat. It was very un-Felix-like to be this nervous, especially before an event that circled around him, but perhaps it was his sobriety that made him jittery.

“You good?” you reciprocated after a long moment of silence.

Prince Felix cleared his throat before speaking. “Yeah.”

“Nervous?”

“I guess so.”

“What do you have to be nervous about other than being the center of attention in front of hundreds of people?” you teased lightly.

“It’s not like I know everyone, though.”

“What do you mean? You and Han invited all the people you normally party with.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like I’m friends with all of them. I don’t hang out with them before 10:00 pm.”

Even behind the mask, you could tell his nerves were sincere. “Are you having regrets about this party?”

“I wouldn’t say regrets… I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know you put a lot of work into this.”

“Do you not want to go -”

“No! No, I want to go.” To ditch a party you worked on for forty-eight hours would be like slapping you in the face and he knew that. But he also knew if he said yes, you would follow him wherever he’d go in a heartbeat because that’s how much you loved him. He cleared his throat once more. “Will you stay with me?”

You raised a brow, unsure if you heard correctly. “Stay with you?”

“As in, will you stay by my side tonight?”

“You want me by your side the whole night?” Oh, how the tables have turned, in which Felix with his blushing cheeks couldn’t look you in the eyes as he nodded shyly. It was hard to believe what you were seeing with your own eyes and you wondered if you were dreaming. “Ok.”

“Really?”

Softly, you straightened his mask. “Anything for you, birthday boy.”

The anxiety from the claustrophobia of the party was replaced with the thought of being with you the whole night, but this is how he’d rather be. No longer did he want to stay in this room he filled with bad energy, so he took you by the hand and led you back to the main room where guests quickly filled in. Anxiety filled his chest again and you felt it through his hand squeezing yours tightly, as if afraid you would let go and slip away into the crowd where he’d never see you for the rest of the night. You’re not sure what’s gotten into him and you didn’t want to make it worse, so you led him to the tables of food hoping he could fill the emptiness in hopes of loosening up a little.

Even while eating food, Felix refused to let go of your hand, so you had to act as his free hand and feed him gourmet finger foods.

“You’re even more of a baby on your birthday,” you scoffed.

“But you love babying me, right?” he teased.

“I don’t know if ‘love’ is the right answer…”

The beginning of the night was nothing short of energy-draining as every single guest came up to greet Felix on his birthday and greeted you second. It was crazy that even in a room full of hundreds of peers, the crowd was still able to distinguish the birthday boys from everyone else, but you supposed it was easy because who else was blond and this handsome? The same way you looked at Felix, everyone else also had their eyes on him because he was truly that stunning in a crowded room.

It was occasions like these when you felt most out of place. You only ‘belonged’ here because Felix was your ticket in, but you would never become one of the elite. You didn’t have all the luxury of buying a new outfit or new jewels for every occasion like everyone else here. You were a simple person in your humble apartment living your predetermined life and getting by without any conflict, all thanks to him. That was what made you believe for twenty years that you had no right to fall for Felix the way you did - you were nothing more than the King’s hired Chancellor.

Even so, when the whole room was looking at him, he only looked at you.

The next song was a common waltz song that was played at every masquerade party on the planet. With a hop in his step, you found the birthday boy in front of you bowing with his hand still in yours.

“Will you dance with me?” he asked dramatically like he was playing a character.

“Why, of course, Your Highness.”

Waltz dancing was definitely not the first talent you’d think of while wondering what Felix was good at, but to your surprise, it was like he’d been taking classes for years. You knew little-to-nothing about it yourself, but it was easier when your date took the lead and you didn’t have to think, just follow. It was a ride, honestly, and you couldn’t stop yourself from giggling, even when the dance finished with Felix dipping you, faces close and noses barely touching.

You hardly noticed his eyes shift to your lips in the midst of all the giggles. “When did you learn to do that!?”

“Last night,” he admitted sheepishly. “Are you impressed?”

“Very.”

“Then those three hours of Youtube tutorials were worth it.”

Your predicted cycle of food, dancing, alcohol, and back to food was correct. Several rounds lasted several hours to the point where you were at the perfect amount of tipsy, but still able to navigate, although if any more rounds of alcohol were going to happen, you might be in trouble. Keeping up with the birthday boy was so hard!

But you didn’t mind, because the poison made you forget about how much you didn’t belong there and swept any overreaction to Felix’s affection under the rug, though it was getting harder to do the latter, as each shot meant closing the distance between you and him. Somehow, you went from holding his hand to his hand never leaving your waste, with your bodies keeping close contact, a feeling you’ve always been familiar with even when sober, but this time was different.

“So,” he began in the middle of the dance floor. “When do I get my gift?”

“How about after your birthday cake?”

“Birthday cake?”

On cue, the lights dimmed and the music stopped. Jisung found his way next to Felix and all the chefs rolled out a giant tiered cake with candles on it, cueing all the guests to sing happy birthday. You made sure to keep the design simple, but the flavors immaculate and matching the boys’ palates because that was the most important part. Even from afar, you could smell the chocolate.

You tried to step away from him so that he and Jisung could have the spotlight together, but even then he didn’t want you to leave. He squeezed your side a little tighter, a silent gesture that said, ‘please don’t go.’

By now, you were starting to sober up a bit and that was a bad sign because now you were realizing that this whole night would be forgotten tomorrow, just like last year. Still, you stayed by his side because that’s what he wanted.

Why it had to be you, you’ll never know, but the feeling was too right to question it.

At the end of the song, the birthday boys blew out the candles and the cheers deafened your ear drums. What shocked you next was the feeling of soft lips on your cheek.

“Thank you,” Felix whispered with so much adoration. “For everything.”

You’ll never be able to recover from tonight. “Why are you like this all of a sudden? Have you had too much to drink?”

A cute giggle escaped his lips. “No, I’m fine. This day feels extra special, that’s all. You’re the reason.”

Felix was such a smooth honey talker when there was a little something swimming in his bloodstream. You should know better not to take these words to heart, but you can’t help it when they’ve all you’ve ever wanted to hear. A repeat of last year was bound to happen any second.

You did your best to avoid the compliment. “Do you want your gift now?”

“Ooh, yes!”

The gift was hidden in the room you find him in earlier today. You were too embarrassed to set it up next to the gift table that was dressed in bags with brands like Cartier and Gucci, so you stashed it away from the rest. The bouncy and excited boy had the widest grin on his face, impatiently waiting for you to present him with what you had.

“Close your eyes,” you demanded.

Felix held out his hands with his eyes closed and expected something small, like a watch or a cupcake or some plush toy that he could strap on his keychain, but instead nearly stumbled forward holding something as heavy as a textbook.

“Ok, open your eyes.”

He wasn’t too far off, actually. In his hands was a thick, heavy book titled “Felix & _____” that you printed out on an embossed label maker. Inside were infinite pages of pictures, stamps, receipts, travel brochures, foreign currency, movie tickets, anything and everything from most if not all the memories you spent together over the past twenty years. The first few pages were filled with old film pictures and polaroids you had to steal from your parents and the later pages progressively got more crowded with trinkets and things when you two were old enough to hang out on your own.

For a while, Felix was silent as he flipped through all the memories. There wasn’t a smile on his face, no tears streaming down his cheeks, in fact he was emotionless and now you were confused. He told you he didn’t care about money or the cost of gifts when it came to you, but…

“You hate it,” you stated rather than asking.

Felix looked up at you, completely sobered up, with the most incredulous expression. “Of course not,” he reassured softly. “I love it. So much. You saved all of this…?”

“I saved every receipt that wasn’t smudged with barbecue sauce or oil and every movie ticket since the start. I had boxes full of it and I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I didn’t have the heart to throw it away, so I made you a scrapbook. It took forever, but luckily your family’s historian captured a lot of the earlier stuff.” Felix was listening, but his eyes were fixated on the last page, where you pasted a single picture of a selfie you two took just a couple days ago. “Happy birthday, Felix.”

Flipping through the scrapbook made him realize that yes, so much has changed between the two of you. There’s so much growth and care and love in between the pages and the fine lines that isn’t seen unless you look for it. As he looked at you, with your cheeks dusted scarlet and wearing your heart on your sleeve, perhaps him pretending he didn’t tell you he loved you last year was what was slowly drifting you away from him, because how were you going to deny to his face that you didn’t love him, too?

Perhaps it was best you would admit it to him on your own time. For now, he hoped a gentle kiss on your forehead would push you a little bit.

His rose petal lips left your forehead tingling. “You’re the best. Thank you.”

When Felix tried to close the gap in between, you took a large step back. You couldn’t look him in his eyes and now he’s confused and his heart hurts.

“Why do you keep doing that?” you asked.

“Doing what?”

“Holding my hand, holding me, kissing me…”

“Oh, I thought you were ok with all of that.”

You take a deep breath. You can’t let last year repeat itself. “You’re wrong.”

“I’m wrong?”

“You can’t just do that whenever you feel like it.”

“Do what!?”

“Play with my feelings!” You took another breath to calm you down and prevent anymore tears that were about to pool. “I have feelings, Felix. You can’t just use me whenever you feel like it and take it all back like it never happened the next morning!”

“I have feelings, too. How the fuck else was I supposed to deal with the night I told you I love you and you didn’t say it back?”

You’re left stunned and speechless. Felix just admitted to you that he once told you he loved you. He didn’t have to say when for you to know that he was talking about the inebriated self on your bed mumbling those three words as you tucked him in on his birthday last year.

“You didn’t say it back and I thought you didn’t feel the same, so I pretended to forget all about it. But now I know you feel the same,” he begged desperately. “I just know. Tell me I’m wrong, _____. Tell me I’m wrong to think that after all these years together, I think you fell in love with me the same way I fell in love with you.”

You couldn’t say anything. You couldn’t admit that he was right because he was drunk then and he’s still a little intoxicated now. But even if he’s right, even though you both knew how much you loved every cell of Felix, what if all this sweet talk was brewed by the mix of drinks that settled in his core? What if he forgets again tomorrow and you’re left in a worse state than you were last year? What if the alcohol just jogged last year’s memory that was stored deep in his cortex that only tequila was able to unlock?

The more you tried to make an excuse for it, the more ridiculous it sounded...

When you didn’t say anything right away, Felix was sure if he had his ribs broken that it would hurt less than the pain he felt in his chest right now. But that wasn’t your fault - nothing was ever your fault. This was all his doing because that’s what Felix did best - screw everything up.

The blond’s once hurt expression turned to stone before he dropped the scrapbook onto the cushioned chair next to his belongings.

“My mistake then,” he muttered before leaving you alone in the room.

“Felix, wait -” but it was too late, he was already out of the room to do something stupid to forget what just happened.

You ran after him, but the party room was so loud and dark and filled to the brim with guests that you couldn’t find him. In a room full of people, you were always able to find Felix no matter what, but it’s like he changed the makeup of the atmosphere to make sure that wouldn’t happen again for the rest of the night. You tried looking for blond locks from high ground, you tried snaking your way on the dance floor, you even checked the private rooms and men’s bathrooms in the whole house and none of them worked. You were afraid that after all the heartbreak, you wouldn’t see him again for a long while.

You bumped into Jisung in an empty hallway, who seemed out of breath like he was running a marathon just now.

“You have to come with me,” he gasped in urgency.

“What happened?”

“It’s Felix. He’s about to race Wooyoung.”

Those five words sounded like a terrible ad-lib in the newspaper, but when you followed Jisung to the front of the pool house, lo and behold half of the guests were gathered around the two boys who looked like they were about to get into a fist fight. In Felix’s hand, you could see that he was holding the keys to his sports car that was already parked out front.

Wooyoung’s the first to see you run to them from the crowd, with Jisung following behind you. “Hey, _____. Can you tell Prince Charming here that I’m not about to race him and go to jail?”

“That’s because you’re a pus -”

Jisung held Wooyoung back before he could get a swing in and you stepped in between. This was the first time you got a good look at his face, which was tear-stained and flushed red, all because of you.

“What are you doing!?” you muttered harshly.

“Trying to understand what you see in this guy. It’s not his looks, or his brains. Can’t be his car either, but I just wanted to prove my prediction just in case.”

His breath smelled like freshly poured alcohol. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Am I ridiculous, though? I think I might be onto something when I said there’s something that you see in him.”

“There’s nothing, so can you please give me your keys so we can talk inside?”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

Ouch. “Ok, we won’t talk. Let’s do something else -”

“I don’t want to do something else with you. I want to race and kick his ass.”

“You want to crash and burn that badly?” Wooyoung screamed over Jisung’s shoulders. “Fine, let’s drive!”

The crowd cheering only boosted Felix’s ego more, so he broke free from your wall and walked towards his car.

“Felix, don’t do this!” you cried out desperately, and for a second you could see the hesitation, but it was easily overcome.

“If you don’t want to be here, then go home. I don’t need you.”

The crowd oohed in unison and your left in the middle of the circle humiliated, watching the boy you loved the most get into his car and prepare to race your coworker. There’s a myriad of scenarios that fly through your mind of what could go wrong and you’re not sure if you should stay for the mess of the aftermath. But Felix said it himself that he didn’t need you, so maybe you should follow his advice and go home.

If something were to happen to him and you weren’t there to pick up the pieces and mend them back together, you would never forgive yourself. Your life’s purpose had always been to help Felix mend his pieces together whenever he needed it. But maybe this was his way of telling you that you were no longer needed for that - that you were free of all your duties as his personal fake secretary and since he thought you didn’t love him back that you served no purpose to him anymore.

When Felix said he didn’t need you, he meant that he didn’t need you to be the person you always were. He didn’t need you to be his babysitter trying to stop him from doing something stupid, he needed you as someone who wanted to stop him because you loved him and was afraid that he’d get hurt. And perhaps it was his mistake for saying it so harshly because you didn’t bother to stop him after that. But it hurt him to his core that you believed him when he said he didn’t need you anymore, that after twenty years you so easily believed that he could cut you out of his life, just like that. How many stupid mistakes could Felix make tonight? He was too far into this that he couldn’t back out, so all he had to do was race and make it out alive to see you again.

From the rear view mirror, he saw your distant figure fade away with the night.

--

It has been a long sixty-eight hours and twenty-four minutes since you arrived home from the birthday party. Hermit crabbing for the first twelves hours was stressful - you couldn’t sleep until 6:00 am, you only slept for a couple hours, you sent mass text messages to multiple people, including Felix, curious about his whereabouts and no one got back to you until twelve hours after that.

han solo [8:43 pm]: sorry darling, i like just woke up. he’s fine i guess.

you [8:44 pm]: what do you mean you ‘guess’!?

han solo [8:44 pm]: i mean they both came out unscathed and his dumbass won so physically he’s fine! but he didn’t seem too happy that he won. i think he’s back home with his parents atm.

That settled your racing heart only a little, but at least you knew he was fine physically, at least. Still, your hundreds of texts sent to him were all left on read, meaning he saw all your desperation and worry and didn’t bother to ease any of it.

You couldn’t eat for those long hours, but now it was getting unbearable and you needed to eat something. You had all the ingredients for Felix’s favorite soup, and as much as you didn’t want to constantly remind yourself of him, you couldn’t help yourself. The process was nice and slow, where you took extra care into washing the vegetables and bringing the broth to a gentle boil before dropping everything in. You could imagine the look on his face if he smelled what you made with your own hands.

Cooking for Felix was a very rare occasion because you were still self conscious about your abilities, especially as someone who was going to work for the country’s largest restaurant franchise. But the times he’s tasted your creations, his reaction was nothing but sincere bliss, cleaning his plate or bowl or several every time. He was the only one who truly believed in your talents and far-off dream when your parents wanted you to follow your Dad’s footsteps. You always cared about what Felix thought about you and your actions and nearly everything, but what he thought about your cooking was one of the most important things and his constant support for your craft was what made you fall for him so much harder than you already did.

The aromas of the soup made you miss him even more. If you didn’t hear back from him today, you were going to take drastic measures and find him yourself.

A quiet, eerie knock came at your door. You hesitated, wondering if you should just pretend you weren’t home, but then a voice spoke up.

“I know you’re home,” Felix said. “I can smell you cooking my favorite soup.”

You dropped your wooden spoon and hurried to open the front door. Behind the door revealed a tired Felix with one bruised up eye and cut up lip. Though the tears quickly fell from your eyes and you covered your gaping mouth, he still gave you a weak smile in hopes of easing any worry you now had.

“I kind of need you,” he admitted softly. “I really need you.”

Speechless, you took Felix by the hand and sat him on your couch before grabbing your massive first aid kit. He’s not surprised that you took him in with open arms without any hesitation because that was the kind of person you were. He loved that about you, but there’s guilt in his heart because he’s the last person who deserves this treatment. He knew you didn’t exactly forgive him yet because you still haven’t said a word, even as you were wetting a cotton swab with isopropyl alcohol.

“Is it going to sting?” he asked. You didn’t bother answering and let him feel the pain for himself. “Motherfucker!”

Through all the cleaning and wincing, though your facial expression didn’t move much, a waterfall of tears fell from your eyes at a constant speed. Since you were kids, Felix’s Dad was big on spanking and physical discipline, but this was a whole different level than you’ve ever seen before - this wasn’t discipline, this was intentional. Even so, Felix still smiled, even through all the stinging.

“Stay still,” you whispered, voice shaking. Your free hand held his face in place by pressing your palm into his nonbruised cheek. The wound still stung, but the wincing at least lessened. When the cotton swab dried up and you weren’t sure what to do, Felix calmed your racing thoughts by placing a hand on top of the one you had on your cheek.

He liked the way your thumb gently brushed across his cheek. Your touch always left tingles in its absence.

“What happened?” you finally asked.

“Dad found out about the racing because it was in the tabloids as ‘Future YONBOK CEO Caught Racing Under the Influence. Is the Future of YONGBOK in Good Hands?’ and, well, you know how that turned out.”

You said nothing while shaking your head. You took your hand back and stood up to get something and the fear of you leaving him again left Felix sweating and tears of his own pooling in his eyes. But you came back with a bag of frozen peas to press against his bruises and swollen lip.

“Are you hungry?” Felix nodded silently. “I made your favorite soup.”

“I know. Did you know that I was coming?”

“No. I guess I’m lucky.”

One of his hands is on top of yours holding the frozen peas and the other grabs hold of your other free hand. Felix wanted to hold you in every way possible, but for now this would have to do until you accepted him.

“You know I love you,” he told you. “And you know I will always need you. I’m sorry I pretended to forget about telling you last year and I’m sorry if that made you think I was insincere the second time. But now you know for sure that I love you. Was I really that wrong to think you felt the same?”

“It seems like you already know my answer.”

“I need to hear you say it.”

You sighed heavily. By now the tears had stopped, but you wouldn’t be surprised if they started up again. This was the first time you would admit aloud that you loved the stupid boy who tried to hide his smile sitting in front of you.

“I love you, Lee Felix. I always have.”

“Knew it ~” he sang. “Tell me when you fell for my handsome looks.”

“Remember Prom night?”

“Prom night!? Seriously?”

“My date standing me up and you offering to dance with me the whole night sounds like the perfect formula to fall in love with you, does it not?”

“I guess! I just thought it’d be longer than that!”

“I’m sure it has been longer than that.”

“Really?”

“Prom night was just the point of no return - that no matter what I did, my feelings were absolute and I couldn’t be in denial anymore. But I didn’t feel any different… And that’s when I assumed I just always loved you.”

“Even when I do stupid shit like this, you still loved me that much, huh?”

“Even with a busted lip, I still think you’re the most handsome.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” he chuckled. “Do you know when I knew?”

“Uh, last year?”

“Nope. On your tenth birthday.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. When you shared your birthday cake and gave me the corner slice with the most icing flowers on it, I knew you were the one for me.”

“Can you be serious for once!?”

“Baby, I am dead serious! Look me in the eyes - well, my good eye.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.” Felix pressed a long kiss to your forehead and then rested his own up against it. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“And being an ass.”

“Yes, and being the biggest ass.”

You dared to kiss his lips, but just enough for them to touch, too worried about hurting his bruise. Felix didn’t care - this was the only time you’d have your first kiss and he wanted it to be long and slow, putting his all into your very first kiss even if it hurt a little. His lips were hungry for yours and so were his hands, making you drop the frozen peas on the floor so he could pull you into his lap to deepen the kiss. Wandering hands traveled your waist and your own in his hair and all your worries about wondering if love was truly real melted away with every second. Even when you broke free to come up for air, Felix refused to loosen his grip on your waist, holding you so close that he buried his face in the nape of your neck. He short breaths tickled your skin and when you giggled, he peppered kisses all over. Your laugh was music to his ears.

“Do you forgive me?” he said in between kisses.

“Mm,” you hummed. “Just don’t leave my side again.”

“Never again. I promise you.”

“Well… Where do we go from here?”

“Hm… I get to eat my favorite soup with the love of my life?”

“I like the sound of that.”

“And then straight to bed.”

“But it’s only 9:00 pm?” A playful, naughty smirk spread across Felix’s lips. “Lee Felix!”

“What!? I won the race, can’t I get a prize!?”

“Stop.”

Soup was always better with your love and a cup of frozen peas.

[liam-93-productions]

Liam’s full interview with Tings Magazine - Part 1

Note: the interview was recorded in may 2020.

Justin Campbell: What is the weirdest YouTube/Instagram trend hole that you’ve fallen into? Liam: One that always gets me is putting Mentos in Pepsi or Coke. We all know what happens, but we have to watch the ending. I’ve seen it about fifty times, and it doesn’t change. But it’s weird finding out what things are interesting when you’re stuck inside. It’s a crazy ride watching the world react to this. It’s almost like everybody’s become a street performer. You see these people on the street who have a special skill like magic and the internet is now the place for that and everybody does it. 

Do you feel pressured to participate? Is there currency in that? Does that keep you relevant? I think artists have had to change a lot to fit in. There used to be mystery where you didn’t know too much about their lives, whereas we are in my living room now for all the world to see. I think that’s the biggest change of these newer platforms. I think you have to join in if you want to stay relevant. If you look at someone like Jason Derulo, he has 19 million followers on TikTok and he just started. His old songs are re-charting because of the TikTok chart. So, you can’t just make music and expect it to go well anymore. There has to be a personality and a story. It’s not quite the same anymore. 

There’s so many differente avenues to keep up with. There’s Instagram, YouTube, TikTok. It used to be you did radio, tours and late-night television. Now there seem to be a dozen things to do.  It’s crazy, this last promo schedule for me, having to do it indoors. I had to learn how to do a bunch of different jobs for the people that couldn’t be here. We put up a green screen in my lounge. We moved all the sofas, me and the camera guy that is staying with me set up the green screen and then you have to film it as well. It’s just crazy the amount of different things that you have to get involved in right now to stay relevant. And that’s all it is. The majority of the stuff isn’t really doing anything, but it’s doing loads at the same time if that makes sense. It’s a difficult thing to get used. And also, things have gotten jovial. So, you have to learn to make fun of ourselves. You can’t be Mr. Serious pop-star anymore. People aren’t really attracted to that anymore. People like the fun side of you, your personality and your humor come through on these things. It’s crazy. I thought about when I joined TikTok the other week, there’s a pressure to film something fun. But then if you are not having fun filming it, you’re not going to film a fun video. And I didn’t want to live my life every day thinking I got to film a video or nobody is going to care. I spent an hour trying to think of stuff and I don’t want to live my life like this. I enjoy then. I like going on TikTok and getting lost in a little TikTok rabbit hole, we all do, but I don’t know if I’m that way inclined mentally. 

With the need to share more, to share a comedic side or a vulnerable side, where do you draw the line? When do you stop sharing? How much of it is constructed sharing and how much of it is authentic sharing? It’s difficult. I’m very prone to enjoy a moment rather than take my camera out and film it. I’m always one of those people who take a picture of a sunset and then never look at it and say why did I bother taking the picture. I’d rather enjoy the moment. We live in a day and age where the camera phone is people’s first thought for things. And I’m just not one of those people. Humorous stuff will happen and it will be off the cuff, but we didn’t film it. And it will be like “aw, should we recreate it?” But we don’t want to recreate it. It just feels stupid. It always feels forced in that sense. So for me, I definitely struggle with sharing moments.  And you have those people out there, who are literally willing to do anything. There’s a trend for people who are shaving their eyebrows off at the moment. I’m not going to shave my eyebrows off so people will care a little more. That just doesn’t register with me. You have Jake and Logan Paul, who do a lot of crazy, crazy things to get noticed. And it’s like where do you draw the line. 

These platforms make it challenging to carve out a private life. People expect more and more of celebrities’ lives to be shared. They feel they have ownership of every aspect of people’s lives. What are your thoughts on that? From the start of this lockdown, the first James Corden TV performance was filmed in the lounge and we went through my whole house. I can remember back in the day when a newspaper sent out the photos of my house. I don’t like people knowing where I sleep because it’s a security problem for me. I had a big complaint about that. Now fast forward 5-6 years and the world has changed to where nothing is really a private or intimate moment. It’s strange. As One Direction, we were in an era on the rise of Twitter. I think Twitter helped us a lot. It was the way we trended on Twitter that actually made us famous. But being on the cusp of that internet stardom, we didn’t really care about how many followers [we had].  Now, it’s become a currency. I just struggle to take those things seriously, that it is part of the job because it feels so foreign. When we had apps as kids, there was no way to becoming MSN famous. Now kids want to be an Instagrammer or a TikTokker. It’s crazy. We never had that. 

You said something about people chasing the currency of liked and follows. Kids are thinking about that validation when they are creating content. How much of that are you thinking about it when you create music or social media/video content? I think, for me, I don’t often pay attention to how many likes thing gets. As a pop star, you have to have an average amount per post. We have to have meetings now where people will go through posts, and tell you why this works. Which for me, it seems insane, but you have this persona that you have to keep up online. And definitely, when posting certain things, you are gauging whether it’s going to get a reaction or there’s no point in posting it. And that’s always been the problem for me. I’m hoping for a big reaction for stuff which limits the amount you post because you think there’s no point posting this.  Often the people who do the best in these scenarios are the people that didn’t mean for it to happen. Someone makes a little challenge like The Ice Bucket Challenge. Someone thought I’ll do this. It will be fun for us to film and because they are having fun, everyone is like we will get involved. If you think about it too much, it will overtake you. For the longest time, I didn’t post a lot. I got off of Twitter because of the backlash and the fact that you are always going to annoy someone with a post. I was like, I can’t deal with it. I might as well keep it to myself. There’s no disappointment. 

I think that’s part of the condition of being an artist. You crave a certain amount of validation.  When it’s work, you can take that some people won’t get it. But because everything has become so personal now like it’s about you. You sell your personality to people. It’s like if someone asks you “what five things do you want people to know about you”. And everyone goes, well, I’d like to be... You suddenly think, what we are doing every day online is trying to sell ourselves.  It’s a difficult balance. You have to have the right amount of humor and humility and the right amount of this. It’s so difficult to find that person. And you see people who become caricatures of themselves online. They overdo it. You don’t know what works any why it works. The internet is such an untested experiment. The public decides. It’s so crazy.

You just said that it can feel so personal, which I think is such an honest statement because when you are putting yourself out there, it is hard to celebrate the work and you. When people don’t like something, it can feel like they are personally attacking you.  It genuinely scares me sometimes. Even to post a selfie, because you just don’t know what the recipe is. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m just trying to stay around if that makes sense. I don’t know, it’s difficult. The fact that you just let it go and it’s gone and people either take it or leave it. It’s like jumping on stage every time you post, which scares me anyway. 

You’ve spoken pretty openly about dealing with depression and anxiety. How does this level of exposure impact your ability to manage your anxiety? Before all of this started, the first day of school would probably be when you are your most anxious. Or it’s your own clothes day and you don’t know what to wear. That feels like what everyone is going through every single day online. It’s like the teen generation has so many more questions to answer that we had. I know as a kid I was quite stressed. I can’t imagine how these kids feel these days.  The only way I can relate is by how I feel in this scenario. Obviously, being a little bit older, you are a little wiser with it. I thinks it’s a different kind of pressure these days. It’s a worldwide pressure. The fact that anyone can become a superstar overnight or also the most embarrassing thing in the world and the line is that thin. I can’t imagine what is like for kids growing up in that scenario. For me, it’s raised a lot of questions about my mental health and having to deal with these things. I’ve been running a pilot with someone for people in my position, people who struggle with fame, with the position that they get themselves. You don’t really realize the playbook you’re pressing. Once you’re in it, you’re in it.  I started from 14-16, were my two start years. And the only answer that people had for you was that you’ve got have thick skin. But I don’t think that’s really the point because once you are here, you have to find out if your skin is thick enough. You have to learn. For the longest time, if somebody wrote something about me in the press, I’d rise back up and bring back up. I didn’t realize they were trying to bait me out because they knew I’d do that. Then they’d write three more articles about the scenario that I didn’t want them to write about. You can only know that with years of experience. If something comes out now, I just leave it to die and go away and that’s it. I just think it’s difficult when people say the only answer is that you have to have thick skin to do this. 

That’s not really a solution. That’s just saying you asked for this. This is just part of it, which I don’t think is fair. Is fame something that you struggle with a lot? For me, there’s different periods, severe highs with different things and a lot of questions about stuff. I’ve been going at this now for ten years, which seems insane. I’m only 26 as well, which is quite a long time to be doing anything. And to be in this pressure cooker for that long is quite difficult, but I say I’ve learned to deal with it better now. Age and time are wonderful things. And we were buffered as teens. We had each other in the band. When I look at someone like Justin Bieber, I think no wonder he went completely mental at some point because there is no one in the world that knows what is like to be Justin Bieber, but Justin Bieber. He had no one to share it with. We had each other to share it with, to remember it with and be reminded how to behave, how to act. You shouldn’t do that. It was tough at some points, but for the most part it was helpful growing up in that team exercise rather than be let off on your own and you’re the most famous person in the world. It must have been pretty crazy for him. 

[sneezefiction]

making up for lost time

Daichi x fem!Reader - Scenario

@miss-rin​‘s request: “Where Daichi reunites with the reader several years after highschool... She’s messed up from her last relationship, but wants to try again.... With a fluffy ending though, please!!”

a/n: eeee this was really therapeutic to write. i know it’s a little on the longer side of things i usually post, but i wanted to set it up well. enjoy some angst to fluff Daichi content bb <33333

warnings: break ups, cheating, low self esteem, slight language, general angst

wc: 3350

---

It’s strange. Staring at your textbook, your fingers brushing against its textured, thin pages, you hadn’t noticed the tiny droplets forming on the sheets below. Only when you recognized its salty taste did you realize you were the source. You lean back, using the table to tilt your chair onto its back legs, balancing there for a minute to keep your tears from staining anything else on the desk.

With all the mentions of bonds and fusions, somehow chemistry homework has brought you back into the reality of your current life crisis. 

It’s not like you hadn’t expected tears, but did they have to overtake every aspect of your life? 

In public. Walking through the park. At 4 in the morning.

It was cruel, really. 

That even after a year of complete distance, everything insisted on reminding you of him.

---

Your ex was supposed to be a one night stand. A ploy to get over a deeply established crush. You were running from young, uncertain love, pushing it down, and drowning it all in heavy doses of pleasure. But weekend-after-weekend, your interactions with this mystery hookup turned into regular flings.

From there, you allowed something deeper to develop.

You started sharing with him.

Lying on the bed, limbs entangled, panting subsided. You released small thoughts and simple secrets into the dark of the night. Maybe he would capture those words, pondering them, making a space for them in his mind. Maybe he would let them drift by, like white noise and formless background music. 

But it didn’t matter. You spoke anyway.

Nights passed and you would let out more gentle, whispering comments. Insecurities, dreams, stories. 

And at some point, he started responding. Listening. Mulling over your words. Whether you meant for it to happen or not, things grew personal. He became your stand-in security blanket, pulling you in and showing you his own little world. You didn’t care if it was fabricated and make-believe.

Because for the first time, it seemed like someone reciprocated your words and actions. You were no longer relying on past passions and feelings because you were so busy drowning in the touch of a stranger. He gave you endless chances to let go of your greatest love and high school infatuation. And you took each one.

You pushed yourself to like him. You asked him to be exclusive. He agreed.

Because his touches were soothing. The way his arms wrapped around your middle, pulling you into his chest and whispering dirty, sugar-coated words into your ears. It made you feel wanted. Needed. Like maybe this could be the one. Like maybe you didn’t need the brown-eyed boy from so long ago.

Yes, your ex’s hold on you was physically tight…

But his intentions were loose and undefined. Eerily disconnected from the reality you had pictured yourself in.

In the back of your mind, you knew something was off. The puzzle pieces that tied your interactions together were either damaged or missing. Information and stories didn’t match up.

At some point, he started coming home wearing the scent of sex and perfume. Fragrances that didn’t belong to you. All of the staying out late and leaving the bed early... He was clearly cheating on you. 

But ignorance is bliss... and you were swimming in it.

You now realize he only told you what you wanted to hear. Little, white lies iced with sweet, generous promises.

What did you expect? That he actually needed you? Why would this stand-in boyfriend be any different?

Finding him on top of a girl in your bedroom should’ve cut you deeper. It should have left you with your knees collapsed and your fingers painfully digging into the carpet. You could have screamed and cried, kicked something, at least outwardly shown your pain.

Yet all that came over you was a dizzying numbness. So you shut the door, closing yourself off to their shocked expressions. Cutting yourself off from another failed love attempt. A worthless endeavor.

---

You’re still fighting a losing battle against hot, streaming tears in the library.

You wish the tears stemmed from the breakup. It would be a logical justification for your pain. Yes, it would be easier to cry over something present… or at least something sensible.

But fate is fickle and so are your emotions. Fragile and nostalgic.

Because you aren’t choking on sobs in the campus library over that unloyal asshole. 

No, your mind was fully centered on Daichi. The one person who had actually made you feel whole. Who regularly told you how much he wanted you.

You could’ve drowned in his warm, honey-glazed gaze. He drew you in, submerging you in a euphoric, blissfully intoxicated state. 

Memories flittered back to you. How he would always comfort you, using his firm shoulder as a pillow during after school hours to cry or sleep on when life began to smother you.

How he snuck up behind you in the schoolyard, grabbing you by the waist, lighting a fire inside you that filled you with warmth and made your stomach do somersaults. It was playful. Lighthearted. So very Daichi.

And you wanted more. More than platonic. More than best friends.

His touches were nothing like your ex.

It was like gentle floating fireflies, blinking and flickering in a field at dusk. Consistent but surprising. Sensitive, feathery, and comforting. Not at all greedy or dismissive.

You didn’t have to think twice about it. Daichi still remained in the softest parts of you.

But it doesn’t matter anymore. He isn’t coming back to save you. To take you by the hand and rekindle whatever it was you two had shared back then.

Because Daichi wasn’t ready to commit.

He had told you how he felt. How he wanted you so badly that it physically hurt him. That he wanted to be there for you, by your side, hand-in-hand.

But he just wasn’t ready to follow through. Not with graduation and change so near in sight. Not with the possibility of losing you just as soon as you’d become his.

You knew he was right. College shifted you two into completely separate directions. 12 hours to be exact.

You and Daichi were at the right place at the wrong time.

But as you drifted, the words morphed and manipulated themselves in your mind. They echoed a tone that claimed that you were the faulty one. That you weren’t ready. You weren’t lovable enough. He didn’t want to commit to you.

So naturally, you equated it with not being enough for him. That it was some silly, unfounded puppy-love. Just a bunch of hormones and high schoolers.

So you tried to bury your longing for him, making countless mistakes in the process. 

You had changed. This was your life now. Broken, exhausted, and weathered.

In defeat, you close up the heavy, tattered textbook, gently maneuvering it into your backpack and take your leave from the softly lit library. You’ve suffered enough for one day, so you may as well give yourself a break from studying.

As you make your way out the door, you feel an unexpected buzz in your back pocket, your phone lighting up with a notification. You reach a hand back to check it.

3:47 pm - sawamuradaichi38 followed you

You stop abruptly, feet planted in the doorway, eyes processing the words before you.

“Shit.”

Daichi…

High school Daichi.

The “I was just crying over how much I hate missing you 5 minutes ago,” Daichi.

You hadn’t spoken in over a year and suddenly this? 

It was out of the blue, not to mention at one of the most pitiful moments in your life. 

Broken up, red-eyed, and still helplessly in love with his brown-eyes. How could someone so wonderful have such disastrous timing?

You receive a rude awakening, the door to the library smacking you in the face, drawing you out of your thoughts and leaving you rubbing the now red spot on your forehead, the phone still clutched tightly in your palm.

Leaving the doorway, you spot a park bench and take a seat outside, your thumb still hovering over the “follow back” button.

It takes some persuading, but eventually you convince yourself it will be fine. It’s not like you’re selling your soul to him.

It’s just a simple “follow back.”

It also wouldn’t hurt to see what he looked like.

So you click.

And there he is. Several month’s worth of photos, flooding your eyes.

Party streamers, candids, squinted smiles, polaroid photo-shoots, flushed faces from tipsy weekends, throwbacks… and your heart is pounding at the sight of just how mature he looks.

He’s developed a flattering tan over the summer, giving him a golden glow. The deeper tone has either made him look more toned or he’s gained muscle in the past couple of years. Both are very likely.

You proceed your scrolling, subconsciously looking for any signs of being in a relationship, before you’re startled by another ‘ping’ noise.

Damn this stupid app.

To hell with media.

Why did he feel the need to message you? Is he messing with you, right now? 

But the questions don’t keep you from opening the text.

Nerves settle in.

3:55 pm - Daichi: Y/n!

3:55 pm - Daichi: I’m in town for a while and I really want to see your face.

3:56 pm - Daichi: Only if you want to though… I know it’s been a long time.

How is it possible that your hands are already shaking? It’s just Daichi.

Just Daichi.

What the actual hell, Daichi.

3:58 pm - Y/n: Heya! I’d love to, but I have so many questions???

You have more than just questions.

4:00 pm - Daichi: I’ve got answers. So is that a yes? Bc if it’s a no, that’d be super awkward…

4:00 pm - Daichi: ...given that I’m 5 minutes from your university right now. Could I pick you up?

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL, DAICHI.

4:01 pm - y/n: Well damn, ok. Looks like I don’t have any excuses. Come n get me :)

You do your best to sound smooth, sending him the corner to pick you up on, but you still looked and felt like a total wreck. Your makeup was messy, mascara staining the underneath of your eyes. Luckily, you had baby wipes and could clean up a little, but you were still left with a slightly puffy, red-tinted face.

The blush that appeared after receiving his text messages didn’t help either.

If you were being honest, you felt completely hysterical. You had finally given up all hope, tossing your dreams of being with him out the window. 

And here he was, casually asking you to hangout as if you two hadn’t ever lost contact. As if you hadn’t been bawling your eyes out over him for the past several months. Real cute, y/n, you laugh, thinking to yourself. 

You do your best to fix your face up with your phone camera and a little extra concealer, but if Daichi is anything like he was in high school, he’ll see through it almost instantly.

You spot his car, pulling up into a spot on the side of the road. He’s scanning for you.

Your breath hitches at the sight of him, heart skipping a beat.

He’s even prettier in person. Photos couldn’t capture something that strong and handsome. His features were still kind, but his expression showed how much he’d grown. The turn of his head, showcasing his jawline. Sharper, older. Your heart is pounding and you feel the anxiety settle in.

But as soon as he captures your eyes, you both grow soft.

You could tell from the way he was looking at you, he’d been longing for you too.

He hops out of his car, focused solely on you, and starts walking. Your pace matches his but it quickly increases. The hunger you’d felt for his embrace drives you both to move faster. He felt it too. It was magnetic. Almost like you’d been waiting your whole life for this reunion.

You practically throw yourself into his firm chest, his sturdy arms circling around your torso, the rate of your collision shaking his balance. But he managed, steadying himself one footstep at a time. One of his hands makes its way up to your neck and tangles itself into your hair, grasping locks and running his fingers through it. It was as though your bodies were making up for the lack of touch and all of your unspoken words, closing any spaces between you and affirming the reality of each other’s presence. 

You notice him tucking your head into his chest... just how he used to.

It’s as though nothing had changed. Like you had both been talking and touching and breathing the same air for the past year when in truth, your relationship had mimicked radio silence.

It stays silent, your bodies choosing to take one another in. He smelled of coffee and cedar, with a dash of maple. He’d always carried a sweeter scent. It never failed to make you melt into him.

Daichi’s face is buried within your hair and he can’t help but breathe in the familiar fragrance of your conditioner. A huge swell of nostalgia passes over him like a crashing wave, causing him to pull you even closer.

The very feelings you had been protecting yourself from were overloading your senses.

So you break off the hug, opting to grasp his hands instead.

His gaze is so understanding. So full of raw emotion. It’s apologetic.

“Daichi I-”

“I’m so sorry, y/n.”

There’s a pause. You give him a wobbly smile, nodding gently to let him speak first.

He opens his mouth to speak, but he’s silenced as raindrop lands directly on your nose. You giggle, wiping it off with your hand, then placing said hand back into his.

“How ‘bout we go sit in the car?” He suggests as the rain begins to drizzle.

You follow him wordlessly, taking him by the arm, quickly crossing the road.

You’re snug in his passenger seat, one foot tucked under your other leg, torso facing him directly. Daichi takes a moment to look you over. You flush under his intent gaze. That’s when he notices your reddened eyes. 

“You’ve been crying.” He states directly, hand making it’s way to your chin, lifting it while examining your face.

“A-ah yeah. You’re as observant as ever, Daichi, I’ll give you that.” You smile slightly.

“Why? What… or who did that to you?” He asks, concern lacing his voice.

You look away, head tilting out toward the grey-lit street.

Should you be honest?

That he was the reason for your tears?

You want to trust him.

To believe his words at face value.

You wanted to bare your soul, letting him absorb every moment of the last year of your life. To cry out to him and explain that you wanted him so deeply that you betrayed your own feelings for him.

But look where it got you last time.

Your ex took the most precious pieces of you and stomped all over it. He had used you. Your stories. Your secrets.

You were different from the girl that Daichi used to know.

He couldn’t love that, he couldn’t possibly-

“Y/n, I mean it. You can tell me anything. I promise I’ll just listen.”

And with that, you muster up your last ounce of courage, putting full trust in him.

It comes out in a soft mumble.

“...I still love you, Daichi.”

His eyes widen, lips parting.

“I-” You begin to choke on your own words. 

The emotion of everything, from your breakup to seeing your ex with another girl, to the sad eyes in front of you. It all begins to spill out. It’s not a sob. More like a release.

“I tried to like someone else. I tried so, so hard, Daichi.” Tears drip down your face, catching on the hand still holding your cheek.

You do your best to speak slowly and coherently, but you can’t seem to prevent the stutters that emerge from embarrassment and months of pent-up shame.

“It didn’t work. I- he didn’t love me.” You pause, considering if you should share the next details.

You inhale deeply, remembering his words.

I can tell him anything.

“There were other girls and-” 

Daichi’s eyes darken, realizing what you meant.

“He- he didn’t,” hiccups break up the sentences you’re already struggling to form, “I just wasn’t good enough, Daichi.” You meet his eyes, “Not for you. Not even for him.”

He rubs a thumb over your face, somber and troubled.

A wave of guilt washing over his face, his own eyes tearing up at the sight of you.

Daichi wasn’t there for you. He knows it.

He had left you high and dry, letting himself get washed up within his own pain, not considering how badly it would affect you. You both cut off communication to make things easier, assuming it would help you both to move on, but it had only made things worse.

Now he’s watching it all unfurl…

You’ve been mistreated and he wasn’t there to protect you. To save you. To hold you tightly within his arms.

But he wants to help pick up the pieces.

He wants to dry those tears, one by one.

He’s ready to make up for the lost time.

It’s time to prove that he’s ready for you now if you’ll have him.

So Daichi removes his hand from your face and grabs your hand, staring at it for a moment. He brushes his calloused fingers over your knuckles.

“Y/n, I never stopped loving you.” He half whispers.

He’s tracing the lines and divots in your palm now, but his eyes are on yours now.

“I couldn’t handle not seeing you… 12 hours is a lot.” He acknowledges.

“But it should never have stopped me from being with you. That was my mistake. It had nothing to do with you not being good enough.”

“Y/n, please, God please, promise me you’ll never say that again.” He begs.

Ah, that.

You couldn’t remember if that had slipped out, but it, in fact, had.

This lie you’ve been telling yourself seems a real as the gentle drumming of raindrops on the roof of the car. Your ex had affirmed it. The breakup sealed it.

And now you’re being told to let it go? To just believe you’re enough? Worthy of love?

If only it were that easy.

“I know you don’t believe me right now… you have every right not to. But I want you to learn to trust me again.”

He continues, “You can tell me anything. I promise I won’t leave you.”

Heavy.

The words were so heavy on your heart.

“...Okay.” Your voice cracks, another few tears slipping out.

“I- I’ll try.” You look away, pain creasing your brows.

He drops your hand on your lap and reaches toward your face, cupping it.

“I mean it, y/n. I won’t leave you.” His tone is scarily serious.

His lips brush against yours, asking permission. You lean forward, gently pressing your lips into his.

It takes a moment to adjust, but you meld together smoothly. It was always supposed to be this way. His warmth is sobering.

It’s tear-soaked and somber, but oh so real.

Noses brush. He runs a hand through your hair, tucking loose strands behind your ear, running a thumb down your neck. You tilt your head, deepening the kiss while leaning into his hand. Lips parted, rhythm slow and comforting.

No part of it is rushed. This moment wasn’t for anyone except for you.

Kiss after kiss, you’re being seen. Listened to. Re-opened.

And it may take tens of thousands of kisses. You’ll probably cry into his chest more times than you can count. You’ll have to fight like hell to escape the lie of “never being good enough.”

But Daichi will be there. Because he came back to you. 

And he’ll keep coming back until he doesn’t have to anymore... because by then, he’ll hope to have you by his side forever.

---

tags: @cherryonigiri, @yams046, @kaidasen, @starfissure

[aislinswalsh]

AHHHH IS THIS REAL LIFE? I’M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE WOW ! hello friends !  i’m so pumped to get to know all of your children, and i hope you like my painfully irish angel bby aislin. her app did get a bit long so i tried to type up a tldr version, but shutting me up is practically impossible so forgive me if that’s long too. i do have a few wanted connections listed below as well, but if nothing tickles your fancy i’m super open to seeing where the cat drags us or plotting out something else entirely ! @opalsmedia​

            bio that’s just my app . pinterest . playlist .

[ HALEY LU RICHARDSON, CISWOMAN, SHE/HER ] shh ! AISLIN WALSH, the TWENTY-ONE  year old SECOND year FILM & PHILOSOPHY major from WATERFORD IRELAND, is known as a SAPPHIRE around here. SHE was invited to join because OF HER AWARD WINNING SHORT FILMS, and now, they’re here to stay. SHE reminds me of PICKING FLOWERS ON HER WAY TO CLASS, WRITING LOVE LETTERS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES, THE ART OF SETTING YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP OTHERS WARM.

A Very Brief History:

Aislin grew up a very wild child, which her parents did not like at all. They chose to pay more attention to her brother who muted himself for their approval, and followed them blindly. She took solace in books, and making her own little movies or music videos with her friends. Think of those cringey MVs made by seventh graders. Very imaginative as a child as she spent a lot of time alone. She learned how to entertain herself no matter the occasion, and played a lot with the nannies, maids, gardeners, and cooks on their estate. 

She comes from old money, as the Walsh’s own a long line of car manufacturers throughout the Republic of Ireland and the United Kingdom. Her family praises her older brother for being responsible for getting a deal to import their cars to the US and asia. He was also a member of the society, and her parents never expected Aislin to be invited to join. Especially her mother who doesn’t believe her interest in Film and Philosophy isn’t attractive for a “young elite”

“Talk less, smile more.” ( shoutout to hamilton ) a phrase she commonly heard as she always has a million thoughts running through her mind. Each one she deemed important. There was so much to the world she didn’t understand, and had yet to see. It’s what made her so passionate about exploring it through film. To insert her own philosophy and start discussions around whatever thought was plaguing her the most. But her mother wished she would just shut up and let important people feel important.

The lack of attention from her parents made her a strong people pleaser. Searching for the approval she didn’t get from home no matter how hard she tried. She’s always there to lend a helping hand no matter how late, will be the ear someone needs and offer her best advice. Believes that her loyalty and devotion will earn her the love she so often felt she didn’t receive from her parents. Aislin knows what it’s like to feel neglected and like she’s not being paid attention to and she never wants people to feel that way so she showers everyone in the love she wishes her parents will show to her.

Aislin has a mind for wonder, and an imagination that knows no bounds because she can’t do the things she watches the protagonists she writes do. It’s her only form of escape from her life and she wishes she could live freely as her protagonists do but watching them in films would have to be enough. A passion that shows through as she as three award winning short films she’s known around the film community for. Those films being: “For the Love of a Daughter”, “The Problem with a Promise”,  and “The Ways in Which Footprints Lie”.

Personality:

She puts others before herself always no matter the situation. She isn’t a prideful person, so she’s typically the first to apologize whenever any sign of conflict arises even if she wasn’t the reason the conflict started.

 It’s really hard for her to stand up for herself, and will usually just allow people to take advantage of her or walk all over her. She’s scared of disappointing people so she does her best to keep the peace at all times. 

Aislin wishes to be selfish, and put herself first but can’t bring herself to do it. So she takes out her wishes through her works. Her protagonists are always free spirited, strong willed, and openly opinionated because she feels like she can’t be.

She romanticizes every aspect of her life, and tries to find joy in the little things. She’s quick on her feet, and performs well under pressure.  Also tries her best to give everyone she meets the benefit of the doubt even if they come with their fair share of bad interactions. Even if they treat her poorly she tries to find the good in them.

Wanted Connections:

her muse. this person is someone she longs to be like. they inspire her most ambitious of characters because of how selfishly and carefree they’re able to live. she notices how they put their wants first without showing shame, and aislin tries to mimic their speech, and the way they interact with others but she always folds. she wants to be close to this person in hopes their habits will rub off on her. she’s afraid to ask how they got so assertive because she doesn’t want them to pity her or be annoyed but they’re remain a dream to her all the same.

the one that got away. it’s aislin’s fault these two didn’t work out. she couldn’t get out of her own head. they weren’t ever a couple but this muse was very sweet on her, and aislin wasn’t use to that. she was constantly thinking it was only a matter time before she disappointed them. she was hot then cold, clingy then distant and it made her feels seem like mixed signals. this muse could only take so much and eventually stopped pursuing her all together. something aislin knew was coming yet couldn’t bring herself to stop.

her comfort crowd. this could definitely be a few muses ! these people would be her group of don’t ask don’t tell. they’d have their own code, and hold each other secrets to their heart and take them to the grave. they all have access to each other’s places, know their favorite foods, and spend all night sharing secrets, reciting dreams, and being their most authentic selves. in the days that follow their stress relief they don’t speak of that night, pretending like it didn’t happen until they need another night like it again.

her midas touch. this person manages to always get her out of her comfort zone, and do things she normally wouldn’t for herself. they can see the way she struggles with doing for others and doing for herself and want them to choose herself. they sometimes get into arguments over it because no matter how many steps she takes forward she always ends right back treating others in the way she should treat herself.

her skeptic. this person thinks her treat people with kindness attitude is nothing but an act. they believe she’s working some kind of angle, whether it be within the society, her department, her inner circle, etc. they just don’t trust the way she acts. fully believing there’s more to her sweet persona than meets the eye.

[falsegoodnight]

hi! not sure if you’ve ever talked about this before, but do you have a specific writing process you follow when you write fics?? i’d love to hear about it if you do :)) love your fics so much!!! (p.s. feel free to ignore this if you don’t want to/don’t feel comfortable talking about it!)

hiiii! first of all, i’m really glad you like my fics! thank you for reading them :) and for my writing process: i think i have talked about it a couple times but i do plan on making a thorough and detailed post describing my writing process but i’m lazy so it keeps getting put off! for now, i’m copy & posting what i said for an old ask where i split it into stages and described how long each one took  (+ new notes!!)

(under the cut because i ramble)

1) idea/brainstorm

i tend to get ideas from other subject matter such as books, tv shows, movies, music, etcetera just like most people but i also get a lot of fic ideas in dreams. those actually tend to be the best ones, in my opinion. and once i get an idea and it won’t leave my brain for a bit, i open up a notebook page or my notes app and write down everything i can about it (the general gist, anything specific i dreamt/wanted, etc). sometimes i’ll even write out a scene if i can’t stop thinking about it. in fact, i’ve based an entire fic around one written scene more than once in the past. 

if i’m super excited, i usually end up blurting out the idea to a friend and there’s just something about explaining an idea to someone else that has you fleshing it out and building upon it and then suddenly you’re even more excited than before--

2) outlining

this actually tends to be a relatively quick stage for me! for the most part, once i get an idea and i get inspired, the story just comes together! there may be gaps but i don’t worry about them yet - i just start my character profiles and a scene list! my outlines tend to be pretty detailed but they can range from around 1k to up to 5k depending on the complexity of the story, characters, and whether any worldbuilding needs to be done. and every story is different - some i just have fleshed out in my head already so i don’t need to work it out on paper (or, on screen, i guess) and others i need to plan out every last detail or else my brain gets too muddled trying to sort everything out. and in my experience: the longer the outline, the longer the fic. 

i’d say typically this takes around a couple hours (for the basic outline) but i always come back to my outline frequently even when drafting, changing and tweaking things or adding/cutting things. outlines are fluid! they’re meant to change and alter with new ideas and different directions :)

[edit: i’m just quickly going to add a:

3.5) research 

this isn’t for every fic but sometimes a story i want to write involves something i don’t have a lot of knowledge/experience for and so i always make sure to research the topic as best as i can in order to portray it as accurately as possible. of course, this is fanfiction and no one is going to grade you on how credible everything is (and they shouldn’t!! this is all for fun!!) but i personally really enjoy the research aspect of writing and getting to learn about things i normally wouldn’t ever get the chance to. i’m currently writing a fic that’s required so much research (i have pages of notes; it’s ridiculous) and i’ve been having a lot of fun with it!! i also want to make a post about this but the main thing i try to do is find experts, whether that be from expert sources or from experts themselves on platforms such as youtube, specific websites, or even reddit and quora. the best way to learn is to learn from someone else who knows it well]

3) drafting

as expected, this stage definitely takes the longest. i’d say my average for writing days (as in, only counting days where i write) is around 2-3k or maybe 4k. on a really good day, i can write 6-8k (edit: haven’t done that in a hot second haha). the biggest streak i’ve had was when i wrote 40k in 4 days (ie: before we knew, which i posted the same day i finished, of course) but that is very uncommon, obviously.

so it all depends on the length of the fic and the type of story for how long drafting takes but i’d say majority of my fics were written either in a week (these are the shorter ones, just to clarify) or in a few weeks depending on length. one of my 50k+ fics was written in exactly 25 days (that sounds a bit like Nanawrimo but it was october) and then on the other hand, a fic that ended up at 30k-ish took me months to write - part of that was just that i wasn’t prioritizing it, but i also just struggled a lot with it.

(edit: so just to elaborate a bit more with challenges that are typically faced in this stage - there’ll be times where i get stuck on a scene or lose motivation and then i typically jump around and move to a different scene that i feel more excited about. that’s what’s so helpful with outlines: they let me switch between different points of the story without getting everything jumbled or creating hordes of plot holes and inconsistencies. for more on things i do to help me write more, i answered this ask a while ago. also if i get stuck plot-wise, then i often consult a fellow writing friend or go back to my outline to work it out) 

4) beta stage

i have two very lovely people who beta for me: @soldouthaz and my friend chelsea who does not have a tumblr :( (edit: she does now!! @kittenlouis :D) i’d say they’re both pretty fast, finishing in a couple days when i need them to! but again, it depends on the fic/length/other circumstances. they’re really good at catching my embarrassing typos and giving me feedback when i ask (edit: i tend to leave questions in the form of comments on google docs if i want specific input or feedback and it’s really helpful) 

honestly i really don’t reread/revise my own work (i actually sort of did for my second blff though since i had the extra time so we’ll see if it pays off!) (edit: i think it did!) but when i go through the edits from sarah and chelsea, i do typically end up skimming scenes and making changes that i deem necessary. i do highly suggest self-editing to anyone else though because it only ever makes the story better, never hurts it. i need to get better at it myself. 

i hope this gives you some sort of idea of my writing process even though it’s sort of a mess. feel free to ask more questions if you want me to extrapolate/elaborate anything. i wish you all the best!

[rossa-motte]

cielo rojo/red sky, short story update.

Hey, everyone! So today I want to talk about Cielo Rojo/Red Sky, the first complete short story I wrote not only this year, but in a long time. If you read my introduction to the community, I commented on how (thanks to perfectionism) I stopped writing for four or five years.

Reading about a “writer block” that takes more than a few weeks may seem scary af to a lot of people, but I'm kind of glad. I feel more confident now. Also #OvercomingMentalIllness, even if I wasn't a perfectionist, my focus was on other stuff.

State:  complete... for now. Probably in a few months I'll read it again and clean it a bit more

Wordcount: 4888 (love the number idk why)

Genre/category: adult, dark fantasy, paranormal (vampires)

Premise/concept: A young woman accepts to be bitten by a vampire in an illegal vampire-party but she really isn't sure if that's what she wants, especially because she has the rarest blood type in the world.

Characters: 

Urbana

the MC

a woman in her mid twenties with cool hair, who works as a stylist

a anxious and obedient golden retriever (literally in my notes about her)

Reyes

the vampire

we can't know much about him

but he seems pretty human... and boring

Begonia

our MC's best friend

the crazy one who convinces her to go to the party

I wanted her to have more screen time but I couldn't :(

Playlist:

Show it 2 me (by Night Club)

Gossip (by Night Club)

Dear enemy (by Night Club)

Miss negativity (by Night Club)

Your addiction (by Night Club)

Scheizophrenic (by Night Club)

Die in the disco (by Night Club)

Give yourself up (by Night Club)

Bad girl (by Night Club)

Scary world (by Night Club)

Sad boy (by Night Club)

Need you tonight (by Night Club)

Strobe light (by Night Club)

Tonight is the night i die (by Payale Royale)

Song for planning: (I have a specific song I put on repeat when I plan characters, and other stuff. Usually the vibes don't match that much, but credit where's needed) Little somenthing  (by Melody Gardot and Sting)

Years ago I got this idea of a world with vampires and... let me clear up: I always wanted to write about vampires (and all that kind of creatures) but for obvious reasons I thought it wasn't a good idea. I think the Twilight and Twilight copycats era has passed and vampires can be cool again. Thanks.

So years ago I got this idea of a world with vampires, not like a secret world. In this universe, vampires are part of normal life like a bunch of goth kids... okay, no. My take was more political. I thought a lot about it: I wanted them to have power and privilege in society thanks to their... condition but I also wanted them to be seen as an other by no-vampires. To be marginalized in other aspects. I also wondered how law would work with them.

I wanted to write a short story collection in this world, and maybe some day I'll do it (not right now). One of the core ideas was seeing giving blood as similar to sex work (but not the same because it wasn't just the same). And later on I got the idea of Tinder (or a similar app) asking information such as blood type.And later of course I asked myself: which blood would taste better? (as yu do) And who has that blood?

But, besides writing only at night, I'm not a vampire so I don't know, so it changed to what type of blood would attract vampires? Probably a rare one.

Presenting to you: Rh null, the rarest blood type in the world. Only 40-50 have it.

Oh yeah, everything was perfect... except writing after five years of not doing so. 

I ignored it for weeks. Specially because I was trying to rewrite an old short story with an interesting concept (the one I'm writing right now). It didn't take much to accept I wasn't ready for this other story. I didn't even told people I was leaving this story again and would want to write other, because I felt ashamed for not sticking to it.

At the moment, I've decided Cielo Rojo would take place in a party full of vampires, so imagine my surprise when YouTube, out of the blue, recommend me a 1 hour mix of “vampire electro/house”.

what the fuck

I didn't told anybody, I don't listen to that kind of music, I don't watch those videos, and I didn't search for ANYTHING related... only the bloodtype, but that doesn't equate with vampires and electro.

Anyways, for me: a sign. Write that shit. The universe screaming at me to stop fooling around and just do the damn thing. So I did.

My first draft took me a few days. Maybe two or three, I can't remember. And I hated it. I was proud and knew it was going to be difficult and I would be able to improve it. But I was still feeling really insecure.

Writing fantasy short fiction is hard: there's a lot you have to explain for the concept to make sense, but I didn't want to bore people or make the story too long.While drafting, and after ending it, I made a list of things that I needed to change or put. In my second draft I mostly restructured some things.

Not much really. Structure wise was better than I thought, specially for pantsing it. Somehow I only wrote useful scenes that happened during moments that traditionally work like that. Like a midpoint! I didn't even plan on putting something similar to a midpoint in my short story but not only it works: somehow it wouldn't ever work without.

Oh, and the second draft was a rewrite, not an edit: one document on a side of the screen, and a new one on the other. That helped a lot.

The third draft was me crying while paying attention to my writing and tearing the prose apart. Filters, abuse of -ing and -ly words (in Spanish are -mente and -ando/-endo), a lot of to-be verbs and a lot of them in unnecessary places or vague language/weasel words.

The fourth draft was the same but after a longer period of time and also polishing the dialogue. The characters had voices but I knew I could do better.

Reyes was so difficult to write. Usually I start with a vague idea of a character, almost as an archetype. But not with him, I just didn't see all of him until the last draft.

I really liked Begonia—I was going to use her more but in the second draft it just didn't made sense. She has a deeper story and personality that would be hinted at... but I didn't.

The prose was a nightmare.

I was trying to get equilibrium with a lot of little details: general stroy details, plot, characters, worldbuilding.

I'm the kind of person who like to suggest myself a theme to use as a compass. Usually when the story is done, I discover more, but a base one is cool. But this story didn't have it. The draft itself didn't took much but between those writing days I couldn't understand what I was going for with this... until I did.

I can't get over the structure. It made sense. And I wasn't even trying (that hard).

That midpoint. I didn't know what I was doing and it worked beautifully.

I thought the dialogue would be worst. Didn't need to change that much.

When I found the theme (to give you an idea, usually for me theme go hand in hand with internal conflict/desire) everything made sense.

The music was perfeeect. Ironically I didn't used the YouTube mix, but thanks to listening to it, it recommended me Nightclub and they reaaally got the vibes.

There's a bunch of details I didn't know why I was putting them (it just felt right or logical) and when you see the big picture they make sense and create layers in the story. Reyes only made sense to me after noticing that. Not only him... but specially him lol

[hlupdate]

Here he comes, one of the planet’s most conspicuous young men, stepping out of the London drizzle and into a dusty suburban pub. If there was an old vinyl record player in the place it would scratch quiet. Instead, the two-dozen punters turn hushed and intent, as if a unicorn has just trotted in off the street, and nobody wants to scare it off. “That’s frickin’ Harry frickin’ Styles,” whispers a young man at the bar, “in this pub.” The pop star is asked what he wants to drink and in a voice already inclined to undertones, quietly orders a cup of tea.

A former teen star who is now 25, a happier and rockier solo artist since his boyband One Direction split a few years ago, Styles has hidden himself inside a large, swamp-green parka. He’s tall, around the 6ft mark, and carries himself with a slight stoop. If Styles could only do something about his appearance from the neck up (elfin brow, wide Joker smile, a face that’s recognisable across multiple continents) you sense he could drink in pubs like this anonymously enough. As it is, cover blown, he removes the parka. A woolly jumper beneath has a picture of the planet Saturn on it. Maybe they’ve heard of Styles there, too.

We take a seat in the corner. On nearby tables, conversations start to sputter as people try to keep their own talk ticking along on autopilot while straining to hear what Styles says. I ask him about the sheer strangeness of this and other aspects of fame. Full stadiums, swooning admirers, an excess of opportunity and cash. Why isn’t Styles an absolute ordeal of a human being by now? Keith Richards, at a comparable stage, imagined himself the pirate leader of a travelling nation-state, unbound by international law. Elton John was on vast amounts of cocaine. Meanwhile, here’s Harry, known in the music industry as a bit of a freak, medically, having maintained abnormally high levels of civility in his system. 

Styles tilts his head, flattered. There are others, he promises. “People who are successful, and still nice. It’s when you meet the people who are successful and aren’t nice, you think: What’s yer excuse? Cos I’ve met the other sort.”

Styles read Keith Richards’ autobiography a while back, and he recently finished Elton’s, too. (“Soooo much cocaine,” he marvels.) We talk for a bit about whether extreme dissolute behaviour and artistic greatness go hand in hand. Styles, who has just released his second solo album, Fine Line, the penultimate track of which is called Treat People With Kindness, has to hope not. “I just don’t think you need to be a dick to be a good artist. But, then, there are also a lot of good artists who are dicks. So. Hmm. Maybe I need to start scaring babies in supermarkets?” 

A couple of lads hustle over to offer drinks. A photo is requested; they say they’ll wait. I’m weirdly anxious about Styles’s phone, which is slung on the table in front of him. What must be the black-market value of that thing? If fans were to get hold of it, would they want to open Styles’s music app first, to listen to tracks from the new album, or rush to see his messages and calls, to find out who Styles has been flirting with late at night? The interest in his music has always run at a ratio of about 50/50 with the interest in who he is dating.

It’s a ratio Styles tries to adjust in favour of the music by being vague about his ex-partners, real and rumoured (Taylor Swift, Kendall Jenner, Parisian model Camille Rowe), diverting to discuss his songs about failed relationships. A year ago, when Styles was floating around near this pub in north London, where he lives, and California, where he tends to record, looking for inspiration for the new album, his close friend Tom Hull told him: “Just date amazing women, or men, or whatever, who are going to fuck you up… Let it affect you and write songs about it.” 

Styles, who writes in collaboration with Hull and producer Tyler Johnson, sounds as if he took the advice. The new album, Fine Line, is at its best when capturing late-hours moments, drunk calls, “wandering hands”, kitchen snogs. A golden-haired lover recurs. There are up tracks, down tracks, some with the trippy delirium of harpsichord-era Stones, others with the angsty Britpop swell of strings. While I listened, I couldn’t help scribbling down names, possible subjects. On the lyric “There’s a piece of you in how I dress” I wrote: maybe Kendall? In a song about a lover “way too bright for me”: surely Taylor.

Styles says he keeps to a general rule: write what comes and don’t think about it too much afterwards. The only time he worries about an individual lyric is if it risks putting an ex in a difficult position. “If a song’s about someone, is that fine? Or is that gonna get annoying for them, if people try to decipher it?” Has he ever got that judgment call wrong and taken a bollocking from an angry ex? Styles raises an eyebrow. “Maybe ask me in a month.” 

I quiz him on something I’ve often wondered about. Why are the very famous so inclined to hook up with the very famous? From the outside it looks twice the hassle, with twice the odds of ending badly. “Don’t we all do that, though?” Styles asks. “Go into things that feel relatively doomed from the start?” I ask him why he doesn’t date normals. He seems tickled: “Um. I mean, I do. I have a private life. You just don’t know about it.” 

Styles doesn’t particularly like being asked about his love life, but is amused all the same, as he is about most things. When I ask about the logistics of someone as well known as him dating someone anonymous (“Do you need to give them, like, some sort of primer?”), Styles snorts with laughter. 

“Uh-h-h. Like any conversation, I guess, it’s easier if you’re honest. But I try to let it come up when it comes up. Cos that’s a weird thing to talk about, y’know? If you’ve just started seeing someone, and you’re, like: [he adopts a throaty, mission-briefing voice] So! This is what’s gonna happen!” Styles holds out his hands: no, ta. “I don’t wanna have that conversation, man. It would be fucking weird.” 

And not very sexy, I say.

“Not sexy,” Styles says, “no.”

A quick aside about his accent, which is hard to capture in print. (“Nat sexy, no.”) After a workout in a hotel gym recently, Styles says he was taken aback (“taken abeck”) to be asked by a stranger whether he was speaking in a fake voice. He was appalled. But after so long crossing borders and time zones, living and working between England and the US, the accent has undergone a jazzy remix, and tends to get farthest from its Cheshire roots when he’s around strangers. Once Styles begins to get comfortable in the pub, the flatter, no-nonsense sounds of his youth return. Nowpe he says, for nope. Fook, for fuck.

“What the fook are they?” This was the response of his childhood pals, he remembers, back in the village of Holmes Chapel, when little Harry had the gumption to show up in the playground wearing Chelsea boots instead of the approved chunky trainers. Styles’s parents had separated when he was very young, but there is no origin-story trauma: he has always stayed close to both. His mother, Anne, would praise his singing voice in the car, and when Styles was 16 it was agreed he could audition for a singing contest on TV.

“The craziest part about the whole X Factor thing,” says Styles, who auditioned for the ITV reality show in 2010, “is that it’s so instant. The day before, you’ve never been on telly. Then suddenly…” Suddenly you’re a piece of national property. “You don’t think at the time, ‘Oh, maybe I should keep some of my personal stuff back for myself.’ Partly because, if you’re a 16-year-old who does that, you look like a jumped-up little shit. Can you imagine? ‘Sorry, actually, I’d rather not comment…’ You don’t know what to be protective of.”

By the winter of 2010, Styles was a fan favourite, a key member of One Direction, a five-piece that enjoyed enormous national exposure and gathered millions of fans before any music had been released. Cameras filmed every part of their rise. There wasn’t any time in the dark to practise, test things out, mentally brace. “We didn’t get to dip in a toe,” Styles says. “But, listen, I was a kid, all I knew was: I didn’t have to go to school any more. I thought it was fucking great.” He remembers having a lot of fun, and being well taken care of. He jokes: “Maybe it’s something I’ll have to deal with a bit later. When I wake up in my 40s and think: Arrrggh.”

In February 2012, One Direction were feted at the Brit Awards, hours before they were due to fly to the US for the first time. On TV that night they looked young, silly, chuffed – on the precipice of something huge, and with no clue at all. Their subsequent wonder-run (five platinum albums, four world tours) had its foundations in their ridiculous popularity in the States. Right away, Styles remembers, “We were fuelling a machine. Keeping the fire going.” He remembers it as a stimulating time; maybe overstimulating. “Coming out of it, when the band stopped, I realised that the thing I’d been missing, because it was all so fast paced, was human connection.”

I first met Styles in 2014, around the time the lack of human connection was starting to bite. One Direction were promoting their penultimate album and I’d been commissioned to write about themthe Guardian. Management felt the boys were so exhausted that my minutes in their presence had to be strictly counted. Inside a circle of cripplingly hot lights, while someone ran the stopwatch, we interacted as humanly as we could.

I remember how jaded the best singer in the group, Zayn Malik, seemed. (Malik was weeks away from quitting.) I also remember how flattered and bewildered the others were to be asked a few grownup questions – and not what Louis Tomlinson would later describe to me as “who’s-your-favourite-superhero… all that shit”. Styles was watchful and quiet that day. By total chance, a week later, we were in the same London cafe and he tapped my shoulder. He was having lunch with friends. “Will ya join us?” 

t struck me as a quietly classy move. I was fascinated to see him interact with mates he’d chosen for himself. Styles was dry and funny, older than his years. After lunch we said the usual things about keeping in touch, and followed each other on Twitter. I kept an eye on his updates, about leaving One Direction, releasing an impressive, self-titled debut album in 2017, playing for 36,000 people in Madison Square Garden in New York, acting in Christopher Nolan’s Oscar-nominated war movie Dunkirk. Meanwhile, I did my best to manage the mess that had been made of my own account after Styles’s Twitter follow ignited a small explosion of teenage longing in my mentions. For at least a year I received weekly, sometimes daily, pleas from people who wanted messages conveyed to “H”. Still now, every few days, fans in America, Asia and Europe follow me to “see what H sees” in their timeline. 

He has around 50 million social media followers, and with that comes the ability to ripple the internet like somebody airing a bedsheet. I’ve noticed, though, how rarely Styles directs people to support specific causes, last doing so in 2018, when he encouraged people to join a march against gun violence. Why don’t you use your influence more, I ask? “Because of dilution. Because I’d prefer, when I say something, for people to think I mean it.” He runs his fingertips across the table. “To be honest, I’m still searching for that one thing, y’know. Something I can really stand up for, and get behind, and be like: This Is My Life Fight. There’s a power to doing the one thing. You want your whole weight behind it.”

It’s one of the things that sets Styles apart, the way he puts his whole weight behind the different aspects of this strange job. If you watch footage of him as a guest host on Saturday Night Live last month, Styles plunges in, fully inhabiting the silliness of every sketch. He has good songs in his repertoire (2017’s ballad Sign Of The Times stands out), and would probably admit to some middling songs that attest to his relative inexperience as a writer. But whichever of his songs Styles performs, he goes all-in, trusting that his zest and energy will hold an audience’s attention. He approaches this interview in roughly the same spirit, not enjoying every question, fidgeting, pleading for clemency once or twice, but giving everything due consideration.

I bring up something Styles joked about earlier: the possibility of waking up in his 40s with deferred mental health problems.

“Mm,” he says

Have you thought about therapy, I ask, to get ahead of that?

“I go,” he says. “Not every week. But whenever I feel I need it. For a really long time I didn’t try therapy, because I wanted to be the guy who could say: ‘I don’t need it.’ Now I realise I was only getting in my own way.” He shrugs. “It helps.”

Lately he’s been reading a lot (Lisa Taddeo’s Three Women stood out). He’s watched a lot of Netflix (crime thrillers and music docs). He recently cried through Slave Play on Broadway. I sense in Styles, at 25, a pent-up undergraduate hunger, maybe a desire to make up for lost time. “I’ve definitely been wanting to learn stuff, try stuff,” he says. “Things I didn’t grow up around. Things I’d always been a little bit sceptical about. Like therapy, like meditation. All I need to hear is someone saying, ‘Apparently, it’s amazing’, and I’ll try it. When I was in Los Angeles once, I heard about juice cleanses. I thought, yeah, I’ll do a juice cleanse.”

How messy were the results?

“You mean…?” Styles raises an eyebrow, recalling the poos. “They were all right. I was just hungry. And bored.”

One notable feature of Styles’s solo career has been his headlong embrace of unconventional clothing. A 2017-18 tour could have been sponsored by the Dulux colour wheel: mustard tones in Sydney, shocking pink in Dallas. In a more serious sense, some of Styles’s choices have fed into an important political discussion about gendered fashion. In May, as a co-host at the Met Gala in New York, he stepped out in a sheer blouse and a pearl earring. One evening’s work challenged a lot of stubborn preconceptions about who gets to wear what.

He says: “What women wear. What men wear. For me it’s not a question of that. If I see a nice shirt and get told, ‘But it’s for ladies.’ I think: ‘Okaaaay? Doesn’t make me want to wear it less though.’ I think the moment you feel more comfortable with yourself, it all becomes a lot easier.”

What do you mean, I ask?

Styles is leaning forward, hands folded around his cup of tea. “A part of it was having, like, a big moment of self-reflection. And self-acceptance.” He has a habit, when he’s made a definitive statement, of raising his chin and nodding a little, as if to decide whether he still agrees with himself. “I think it’s a very free, and freeing, time. I think people are asking, ‘Why not?’ a lot more. Which excites me. It’s not just clothes where lines have been blurred, it’s going across so many things. I think you can relate it to music, and how genres are blurring…”

Sexuality, too, I say.

“Yep,” says Styles. “Yep.”

There’s a popular perception, I say, that you don’t define as straight. The lyrics to your songs, the clothes you choose to wear, even the sleeve of your new record – all of these things get picked apart for clues that you’re bisexual. Has anyone ever asked you though?

“Um. I guess I haaaaave been asked? But, I dunno. Why?”

You mean, why ask the question?

“Yeah, I think I do mean that. It’s not like I’m sitting on an answer, and protecting it, and holding it back. It’s not a case of: I’m not telling you cos I don’t want to tell you. It’s not: ooh this is mine and it’s not yours.”

What is it then?

“It’s: who cares? Does that make sense? It’s just: who cares?”

I suppose my only question, then, is about the stuff that looks like clue dropping. Because if you don’t want people to care, why hint? Take the album sleeve for Fine Line. With its horizontal pink and blue stripes, a splash of magenta, the design seems to gesture at the trans and bisexual pride flags. Which is great – unless the person behind it happens to be a straight dude, sprinkling LGBTQ crumbs that lead nowhere. Does that make sense?

Styles nods. “Am I sprinkling in nuggets of sexual ambiguity to try and be more interesting? No.” As for the rest, he says, “in terms of how I wanna dress, and what the album sleeve’s gonna be, I tend to make decisions in terms of collaborators I want to work with. I want things to look a certain way. Not because it makes me look gay, or it makes me look straight, or it makes me look bisexual, but because I think it looks cool. And more than that, I dunno, I just think sexuality’s something that’s fun. Honestly? I can’t say I’ve given it any more thought than that.”

In our musty corner of the pub we’ve somehow passed a couple of hours in intense discussion. We’ll lighten up, before Styles heads home, with some chat about clever films (Marriage Story), stupider viral videos (the little boy who’s just learned the word “apparently”), that favourite-superhero stuff that, after all, has its place. He talks about the curious double time scheme of a pop star’s life – those crammed 18-hour days and then the sudden empty off-time when Styles might find himself walking miles across London to buy a book, afterwards congratulating himself: “Well, that’s an hour filled.”

Before we stand up I ask if he’s minded any of my questions.

He pushes out his lips, possibly recalling them one by one, then shakes his head. “What I would say, about the whole being-asked-about-my-sexuality thing – this is a job where you might get asked. And to complain about it, to say you hate it, and still do the job, that’s just silly. You respect that someone’s gonna ask. And you hope that they respect they might not get an answer.”

I tell him I do.

“Cool.”

Styles has to find those lads who wanted a photo. He scoops his phone off the table and flicks his thumb around the screen. Lately, he says, when he messes around on his phone in an idle moment, it’s mostly to look at videos – clips that his friends have sent him, in which their kids sing along to music he’s made. “Never gets old,” Styles says, beaming.

A few years ago, when he emerged from the boyband, blinking, shattered, he set himself three tasks: prioritise friends, learn how to be an adult, achieve a proper balance between the big and the small. Full stadiums, provocative outfits – Styles genuinely loves these things. “But I guess I’ve realised, as well,” he says, “that the coolest things are not always the cool things. Do you know what I mean?” He grabs his parka and his phone and, a little stooped, heads for home.

[smmahamazing]

Cowboy Blues

InuKag

Word count: 5114

Rating: M for language

A/N: My gift for everyone this White Day!!! Haven't written fanfiction in 10+ years, so here's to hoping this isn't completely terrible LOL. This little fic was inspired by a song of Kesha's titled "Cowboy Blues", and I would recommend putting it on in the background for maximum effect!

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🎵“They say you know when you know, what do you do when it don't, they're saying ‘love it'll happen if it's meant to happen’, but what do you do when it don’t”.🎵

At least Kagome could say that she only has one cat snuggled up with her in bed, although Buyo was big enough to feel like three. She had been laying in bed for the past hour, the feeling of utter defeat pinning her where she lay. Her mind begged her to turn off the music playing through her speakers, but her body resisted any thought of movement. What did it matter in the end anyways? All the hard work she put into the last week and a half was wasted. And she had been doing so well! Up until today that is. As soon as Kagome had came home and crawled into her bed, turning on the music via phone app, she let down the walls she had been building up, giving in to every emotion she had shut away.

It had all started earlier in the day, after Kagome was done at work. She needed to make a simple trip to the gas station, a task that should have only taken her maybe five minutes, but some unseen force in this universe just wanted her to be miserable. Swiping her card at the pump, she jumped at an all too familiar voice calling her name.

“Kagome! Fancy meeting you here!”

‘Ugh.’

“Oh, h-hello Hojo.” Kagome had such a bad case of tunnel vision that she failed to notice her friend’s husband and old schoolmate pull up to the pump right beside her as she inserted the gas nozzle into her tank.

“How have you been Kagome? Ayumi and I haven’t heard from you in a while, we we're starting to get worried.”

“Oh, I’ve just been really busy with work and all, you know how it goes”, Kagome chuckled awkwardly, running her hand through her hair. This was the last thing she wanted to deal with today. And Kagome was pretty sure she was stationed at the slowest pump in all of history.

“Well, it's a good thing I ran into you here! Ayumi wanted to invite you to dinner with us tomorrow.”

‘Ab-so-lut-ely not.’ “No, that’s okay Hojo, I’m not about to put you guys out on Valentine's Day. Don't worry about me, and just enjoy your night together.”

Hojo looked like he was about to argue with her when the pump connected to Kagome's car clicked, letting her know her time at the gas station was finally up. ‘About damn time, too.’

“Well, I’m all finished up here, so I’m going to head out to beat the traffic. I'll talk to you guys later, okay!” Kagome spoke in one breath as she dived into the drivers seat and sped away, leaving Hojo behind looking confused, and mildly worried for his old friend.

Kagome had been avoiding everyone since the beginning of February. She knew that her friends and family meant well. She knew they only wanted to see her happy, but Kagome didn't know if she could do it; another Valentine's Day filled with people throwing her yet another elaborate pity party. If she didn’t know any better, it was like they thought she forgot that she was almost 30 and still single. But Kagome was determined that this year was going to be different. She figured that if she just ignored everyone and stayed home until Valentine's Day had passed that she could bypass all her own feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. And since the first week of February, she was nailing it. Kagome worked in the kitchen of a little diner, and since business is always a little heavier leading up to the holiday of love, she had signed herself up for some much needed overtime with the hopes that she would too busy for anything else. In addition to working extra hours to occupy her time, she had stockpiled her household with enough food and supplies to last through the week. And if she forgot something? Well, grocery stores will deliver to you now, so Kagome didn't have to worry about walking into her nearest shop, only to be surrounded by chocolates and candies and giant stuffed animals that served no purpose other than reminding Kagome of her unwanted solitude. Kagome had planned her last week so meticulously, giving herself little to no free time to think about the fact that she was still single, or to let anyone else remind her of that fact.

Kagome had always been a rather stubborn child. Kagome knew what she wanted, and if something didn’t live up to her expectations, then it was kicked to the curb. Unfortunately, this personality trait included all the men she dated. It wasn’t like Kagome had never been on a date, or been with a man sexually, but more often that not she found that no one could keep her interests in more than one area for more than a night.

When she was still in high school, Kagome had gone on a couple of dates with Hojo. He had always been quite smitten with her, and it wasn’t as if he wasn’t a nice guy. Hojo was always (and remains to be) one of the few good guys out there, but he was a little too….amicable for Kagome's tastes. His personality almost seemed fake in the sense that he never had any disputes with anyone and could never find anything bad to say about anything. It wasn’t as if Hojo's courteous nature was a bad thing per say, but Kagome always had a wild spirit, and she found it difficult to see herself settling for someone who couldn’t at least sometimes find themselves on her level. On their last date, Kagome had even tried to start a fight with him, just to spawn some other form of emotion from him, but to no avail. In the end, Kagome decided they were better off just being friends. Luckily, Hojo didn’t take the rejection too hard, and in the coming years, he found a cozy companionship with one of her best friends, Ayumi, and in no time at all had proposed to her. They were wedding number one that Kagome was a bridesmaid in.

After Hojo, Kagome dated a couple of other guys, but she quickly found faults in every one of them. Koga, an extremely forward wolf demon, was a great lay, but Kagome did not share in his views that she should just settle down to become his woman, which was just code for becoming a housewife who spat kids out faster than you could say ‘I do'. Kagome liked working, and she wasn’t about to just up and quit her job because some guy told her to. Meanwhile, Bankotsu, who worked at her old gym, ended up on the other end of the spectrum opposite Hojo; his whole life seemed to revolve around fighting and conflict, which was a lifestyle Kagome didn’t want to be apart of. Actually, Kagome was pretty sure he was in a gang. She switched gyms after their break up.

The last time Kagome had been on a real date was five years ago. Since then, she had seen all the rest of her best friends find their true love and get married. Even her most lecherous friend, Miroku, found a woman willing to put up with him. Kagome's mother tried to set her up on a few dates, mostly with the sons of the ladies she plays bridge with, but after a while Kagome just started to flat our reject them. She hated going on blind dates, no one could live up to her expectations. Because the one thing that no one else had known about was that about three months ago, she had met a guy. And he had completely flipped her world upside down.

~flashback~

It was November 1st. Halloween was officially over with, and Kagome had decided to head down to a local bar to celebrate the fact the she was still standing. Earlier in the year, the diner she worked at had started making seasonal desserts, so Kagome had spent the past week baking ghosts and pumpkins and bats on top of all her other cooking duties. Her days at the diner that week usually started far before dawn and ended far after dusk. To say she was tired would be an understatement, so what better way to treat yourself to a job well done than with a celebratory drink? Kagome found herself seated on the opposite end of the bar from the door, pulling out a thick hardcover book. She had not invited anyone else out with her, having no qualms with drinking alone. In fact, after the week she had, she preferred it. She would have a couple of drinks, read a little bit of the current fantasy novel in her hands, and head back home for a good night’s rest.

Kagome was only halfway through her first drink (a standard rum and cola) when a foreign hand suddenly engulfed her page, ripping the book from her hands.

“Excuse you!” Kagome exclaimed, a look of indignation washed over her face.

“You’re excused,” her book thief shot back, his face showing an indifferent look as he rifled through the books pages.

“Do you mind giving me back my book? And don’t lose my spot, either!” Kagome attempted to swipe the book from his hands, but the man merely held it over his head, just out of her reach.

“So tell me, who comes to a bar – alone – just to read a book? Can't find yourself a date on this day, after All Hallows Eve?”

“That is absolutely none of your business,” she squeaked, her face dusted with a slight blush. For a moment, Kagome was struck silent, unsure of how to respond to this stranger. But, for the first time in the maybe twenty seconds they’ve interacted, she finally took a moment to glance at the stranger who found themselves sitting next to her.

‘My GOD is he gorgeous!' were the first thoughts out of Kagome’s head, taking in his tanned skin and perfectly manicured nails. His long silver hair, which only seemed to shine despite the darker environment of the bar, went about halfway down his back and was pulled back in a low ponytail, two strands pulled loose on either side of his head. As her eyes roamed upward, she took in every aspect of his face, from the fangs held behind his smirk to the pair of fuzzy ears that sat on top of his head. ‘So he's a hanyou. I wonder how soft those ears are,' she thought, stifling her yearning to reach out and touch them. But what really took her breath away was his eyes. Golden in color, they glowed, despite the darkened environment. Amber, mixed with flecks of soft brown swirled together as they gazed down on her. He had to be at least a whole foot taller than her. A pair of black slacks accentuating his long legs, while a simple bright red shirt hugged the muscles of his arms and chest. Kagome had never laid eyes on a man more handsome than the stranger beside her, despite her irritation with him interrupting her date with a good book. 'Do I really care though?' she thought, licking her bottom lip slightly to relieve herself from her all-of-a-sudden chapped lips.

“If you must know,” she started, looking slightly down across the bar rather than in his general direction, “I’ve had a hard week and decided to treat myself to a drink and a good book. If that’s okay with you?”

“By yourself?” he said incredulously, slightly lowering his arm that held her book. It gave her just the distance to snatch it back before he could defend against her.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Well, when it comes to celebrations, no one should be alone.” He motioned to the bartender. “The lady and I will have another round, on me,” he spoke the second part of that sentence facing towards her, causing Kagome to blush even more.

“Here you are buying me a drink, and I don’t even know you’re name.”

“I could say the same thing about you,” he smirked, a lone fang poking out from his lips. It was outlandish, in Kagome’s mind, how that one simple facial expression could make her go utterly speechless. She really wanted to throw out some witty, sarcastic quip just to see what kind of expression she could get out of him, but the only word she could seem to utter was her name.

“Well, Ka-go-me,” he said quietly, the bartender handing them two new drinks. The way he enunciated each part of her name sent a small shiver down her spine. “Shall we make a toast then?”

“A t-toast? To what?” she spoke in a hushed voice.

“Hmmm…” he paused, dramatically taking his chin in his thumb and index finger and sporting a most reflective look which made Kagome giggle. “To the rest of tonight. The name's Inuyasha.” He raised his glass in front of her, his eyes glazing back and forth between their drinks. Kagome wasn’t sure what was happening, the room felt like it was spinning, and she barely had anything to drink yet! A part of her was reluctant towards him. She had not planned to talk, let alone meet, someone tonight, but she couldn’t deny she was a little lonely. And he was really hot. ‘So fuck it,’ she thought, and raised her drink up to delicately clink their glasses, a beginning to what would become one of the greatest night’s that Kagome had experienced in a while.

Minutes soon turned to hours. One drink together turned into two. They spent hours playing pool, loser buying celebratory whiskey shots, and when their fill of competitive playfulness had been satiated Inuyasha and Kagome found themselves laughing and dancing the rest of the night away next to the jukebox.

The atmosphere in the little bar that night was perfect. There were just enough people in the bar to make the place feel welcoming without the claustrophobic ambience that a normal club or more popular bar would have. Kagome couldn’t remember the last time she had as much fun as she did that night. Inuyasha was….perfect. They talked about a variety of subjects throughout the night, mostly about the little things, like what their favourite food was or what reality television show was their most guilty pleasure. Work, of course, was another topic they came upon. Kagome talked about her passion for cooking, how it was stemmed from time spent in the kitchen with her mother after her father passed away, and Inuyasha talked about his job as a mechanic. He was definitely a textbook definition of a “car guy", Kagome was pretty sure he could have talked all night about engines and tires and….torque? Kagome didn’t have a clue what he was talking about most of the time, for the most part nodding her head at the appropriate times, but for some reason she found it endearing when listening to Inuyasha talk and all she could do was smile brightly at him.

Despite their steady drinking, he was a perfect gentleman. There was never any instigation to do anything more than have a fun night out, which Kagome found utterly refreshing. One of the reasons she hated going to the more populated bars and clubs was because most guys wanted (and almost expected) something more from her months bedroom department. And while she did not consider herself to be chaste, she was not a fan of sex on the first date – or meeting for that matter.

~present~

‘It was the most perfect night,’ Kagome mused, the music pulling her from her memories as she tried to will her body to become one with her bed.

🎵“Did I fuck my whole life up? Did I miss my one true love? Was he right in front of me at the dive bar? Was that you with the cowboy blues?”🎵

With an aggravated huff, Kagome finally found the nerve to turn the damned music off. She didn’t need any more reminders of her romantic failure. Kagome had thought about that night long and hard. At no point in their celebrating did she feel weird around Inuyasha, and the more time went by, any misgivings she might have had in the beginning about him dwindled to nothing. What could have happened to make everything that was good about their evening go so wrong?

'My drunk, dumb ass is what,' Kagome thought, taking both her hands and pulling them through her hair in frustration.

Kagome was not a lightweight when it came to alcohol for the most part. She rarely went out in that kind of setting, but when she did the necessary precautions were taken to pace herself and keep hydrated. But between their mixed drinks and shared whiskey shots, Kagome had drank more than she could handle, and about an hour before the bar was to officially close for the night, she proclaimed (louder than she probably would have liked If she was sober) that it was time for her to head home. Any other man she could have been with would have taken this opportunity to “escort her home", with the possibility of a night cap, which would have been easy in her inebriated state. It wasn’t like she hadn’t let her mind wander at all that night, especially sit the way his ass looked in those slacks. But ever the gentleman, Inuyasha simply called her a cab, paid the driver, and sent her off on her way.

If Kagome hadn’t been so drunk, she would have asked for his number. Or maybe his social media account. Hell, she would have been content to just get his last name! But at the time, there was no way Kagome could think straight, and with barely a “Goodnight Inuyasha!”, the taxi cab had whisked her away before Inuyasha could even begin to maybe put his own number in her phone.

For a week, Kagome tried her hardest to find any sign that Inuyasha existed since that night. She thought it would have been easier with such an unusual name, but without knowing his last name, her internet searches came up blank. There were surprisingly more ‘Inuyasha’s out there than she ever would have thought. He didn’t seem to have a social media account, so that became her first dead end. She tried looking up all the mechanic shops in the area to try and find some sign that Inuyasha worked there, which proved to be a very daunting task. About halfway through her search, Kagome had then come to a startling hypothesis; What if Inuyasha didn’t live in the area? He could have been visiting from out of town, which means searching through local mechanic shops could be a wasted venture. The thought only made Kagome more frazzled in her search. She even attempted to go to the bar, going on the same day of the week the had met, but after about a month and a half of light drinking and fending off the desperate men that tried hitting on her, Kagome had finally given up. Hell, for all she knew, her mind had probably imagined him up. It’s not like perfect men like him exist anyways.

Soon enough, Christmas and New Years had flown by, filling Kagome with a sense of emptiness. They had only spent a few hours together, but she felt as if she had known him for years. There was this feeling in Kagome that she couldn’t quite verbalize. She felt such a longing for a man she barely even knew, and it killed her inside to know she may never get to indulge in it again. The end of January had brought about a wistful demeanor in Kagome, which conjured up many questions amongst her friends and family. They may not have known about her night with Inuyasha, but it wasn’t difficult to see that something considerable was weighing on Kagome's shoulders, causing her to fall into a dispirited state.

Hence Kagome's need to throw herself into work and not have any contact with anyone she knows until Valentine's Day was over with. Except it didn’t work, and Kagome still ran into Hojo, pulling her back into her own self pity. Why was life so unfair? Did Kagome do something to earn such dreadful luck?

“God, I need a drink,” Kagome muttered as she pushed her cheeks up with her hands. She wasn't scheduled to work tomorrow, although Kagome had planned to go in anyways, but running into Hojo at the gas station had unleashed a barrage of emotions in her and for the first time in a week, Kagome realized just how tired she was. Maybe taking tomorrow off wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

‘Well, in that case, I might as well get out of this house to drink my sorrows away,’ she thought, as she stood from her bed and walked towards her closet. Kagome found herself dressed in a comfortable pair of yoga pants matched in an enormous, bright red hoodie. About two weeks after her night with Inuyasha, Kagome had found the hoodie hanging in a window display at the mall, and without missing a beat she had walked inside and purchased the first one she could get her hands on. She wasn’t an airhead, Kagome knew exactly what pulled her to buy a piece of clothing such as this. She knew it reminded her of him. After religiously wearing the hoodie to bed for months, Kagome had tucked the hoodie away into her closet when February began, knowing that one piece of clothing would never let her forget about him. Thus, she found it fitting now to don the oversized sweater, since there was no use trying to not think about him anymore.

Soon enough, Kagome was out the door, heading down an all too familiar path to the bar. Kagome, in fact, lived practically walking distance to the bar. She could walk from her apartment to the bar in about twenty minutes, and in the car that time was basically nothing. Because she lived so close, Inuyasha could have just as easily helped walk her home that night instead of calling a cab. They could have spent more time together than parting ways at the bar. Maybe he would have had the time to ask for her number. Hell, maybe he would have come inside. Kagome felt a pang of guilt when thinking about just how drunk she got. If she were less intoxicated, she could have had a clearer mind to ask him out again.

A chill breeze swept against her face, causing a light shiver to run down her body. Kagome picked up her pace slightly, desperate for the warmth the incandescent lights above the bar would bring. There was no point in dwelling in the what-if's of the whole situation at the moment; there would be plenty of time for that with a spirituous drink in her hand.

Before long, Kagome had finally reached her destination, the tinkling of the small bell above the door floating through the air. Absentmindedly, she meandered towards her usual seat on the opposite side of the bar. Luckily, it was a Thursday night, so there wouldn’t be too many people around with a clear view of her imminent sour thoughts.

“Kagome! Long time no see!” Looking towards the voice, Kagome spotted the small wildcat demon child, who hopped onto a protruding ledge on the employee side of the bar. Well, ‘child’ was a relative term here. Kagome was sure that despite his small stature, he was probably older than her. Wildcat demons weren't known to get very big.

“Hello Bunza!” Kagome said with a light smile on her face. “How are you this evening?”

“I'm doing alright I guess. It’s been pretty slow tonight, and Totosai gave me this HUGE list of chores to do before we close,” Bunza sighed with a dejected look on his face. “But don’t worry about me Kagome, did you want your usual?”

Kagome giggled slightly at his less-then-enthusiastic attitude towards his duties. He might be older than her, but in the demon world he was still a child, and what child likes to do chores? “Not tonight Bunza, how about making me a Cosmo?”

“Coming right up!” Bunza grinned and set off to work as she sat down, hanging her purse on the hook in front of her legs.

It had been a shock to Kagome the first time she had seen Bunza working the counter. Sometimes, she had to remind herself that the demon world worked different when it came to certain things, such as a child like Bunza working at a bar. Kagome had learned, from her many visits, that Bunza had worked there for about five years. His parents died in a fire when he was very young, leaving him an orphan. Totosai, the actual owner of the bar, was a family friend and agreed to take Bunza under his wing. Of course, this meant he would spend many a night at the bar, working his way up from just sweeping and keeping the bar relatively clean to actually making drinks for patrons. Totosai had actually installed a ledge along the bar for Bunza when he started learning how to make drinks so that it would be easier for him to interact with the customers sitting on the other side of the bar. Many people who came in would comment on his age, about how he was too young to be put to work, but Bunza would just brush them off. It was plain for anyone to see, if they truly tried, that despite the work Bunza was happy to just not be by himself after his parents death. Totosai made sure he had a roof over his head and warm food in his belly, which was more than he could have asked for.

A few minutes later, Bunza set down the finished Cosmo in front of her. “Let me know if you need anything else Kagome!” he said, hopping down from the ledge to pick up where he had left off with his chores. Kagome had always enjoyed talking with Bunza, but her heart just wasn’t in it today. Sighing heavily, she slumped her shoulders, trying to release all her tension from the week. With a few turns of the neck, Kagome grabbed her drink and took a sizeable sip.

“You better be careful, take any more drinks like that and I’ll have to call you another cab.”

Kagome almost choked on her drink at the unexpected voice behind her. Coughing as she tried to take in huge gulps of air, she felt a hand brace her back, patting it gently, the other hand gripping the bar. The motions of the man brought him into her sight, although Kagome didn’t actually need to see him to know who was behind her. If the past week had taught her anything, it was that there was no force on this planet that could possibly make Kagome forget anything about Inuyasha. The deep baritone of his voice. The way his eyes bore into her own, as if he was trying to memorize every bit of her own visage. The velvety texture of his snow-white hair that would tickle her cheeks if he bent his head near hers. The way he always seemed to smell like fresh pine and sandalwood. No, there was no possible way for Kagome to forget him, not that she'd want to anyways.

“I-Inuyasha…” she stuttered, her face starting to burn from the embarrassment of it all. He wasn’t suppose to be here! She hadn’t taken the time to get herself dolled up on the off chance she would see him again. Not that Kagome wasn’t happy to see him, she just wished she was more prepared. She currently held the appearance of a troll rather than a lady. She thought so anyways.

“Well damn, Ka-go-me, didn’t know you were that drunk already,” the way he enunciated her name, yet again brought shivers down her spine. His deliciously plump lips twerked upwards in an all too knowing smirk. She knew he was teasing her, and under normal circumstances she would have huffed in indignation at his ever apparent satisfaction of picking on her, but Kagome had waited months for this moment. There would be plenty of time for pointless bickering later, and by God she would make sure there was a later. The smirk on his face transformed into a wide smile, and Kagome couldn’t help but tilt her lips up to try and imitate his own. She was about to change her own fate.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Kagome said all in one breath. Inuyasha squinted his eyes at her slightly, his smile remained wholeheartedly.

“What’s the rush?”

“I didn’t get a chance to eat dinner yet. It’s been a long week"

Inuyasha snickered. “You’re just always having a bad week, aren’t you wench?”

“Only preceding when I see you, apparently. Maybe it’s a sign?”

“A sign of what?”

“That I should see you more,” Kagome muttered, breaking her eye contact for just a moment before gazing at him with hopeful eyes. His face held an emotion that Kagome couldn’t quite place. Relief? Awe? Contentment? She continued on, afraid any pause in her plan would spell disaster.

“There’s a really great ramen shop not too far from here. If you don’t mind walking.”

His eyes lit up at the word ‘ramen. “You just said the magic word,” Inuyasha said, backing up somewhat to give her enough room to stand. Kagome could not contain the smile on her face as she dug into her purse. Kagome had let Inuyasha get away once, and she wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. Once she found her wallet, she placed some bills on the table and turned to walk out the door with Inuyasha. The night had turned even colder with the sun having been fully set, but Kagome and Inuyasha hardly noticed. Every look that they would pass back and forth would keep them plenty warm.

It was too bad the sun had already gone down though. Kagome had always envisioned she'd find him one day and they'd ride off into the sunset together.

'Oh well, another day.'

[earformusic]

10 Songs to Make You Feel Like You're Starring in a Coming-of-Age Indie Film

From The Perks of Being a Wallflower to The Edge of Seventeen, coming-of-age indie films have swept my generation by storm. Recently, it’s become a trend for us Gen Z kids to wish we were starring in one of these iconic films, whether it be because we want to be the main character or we just want to romanticize our lives a bit more. So, I’ve handpicked 10 of my favorite songs to make you feel like you’re the main character you’ve always wanted to be.

1. Grouplove - Tongue Tied

We’re starting off with a throwback that never gets old. If you think you haven’t heard this song, chances are you probably have without even realizing it. Although “Tongue Tied” was released back in 2011, this song has proved itself to be a timeless mix of rock and electropop that’s perfect for singing in your car as you drive down the highway at night with your best friends. Hitting number one on the Billboard Alternative Songs chart a year after its release, Grouplove proved the true magic this song holds despite its prior negative reviews. With an indie influence as well as elements of synthpop and post punk, “Tongue Tied” will have you feeling like the main character as soon as you hit play.

2. BØRNS - Electric Love

The American singer and songwriter BØRNS began his career off with a bang, releasing the critically acclaimed hit “Electric Love”. The poetic lyrics coupled with a heavy glam rock sound will make you feel as if you’re on the top of the world. The music video featuring colorful animations and whimsical dancers perfectly showcases BØRNS as the “main character”. “Electric Love” has such a bright, fun sound that hearing it will immediately make you want to get up and dance. On top of all of this, BØRNS has such a unique voice that definitely stands out. 

3. fun. (feat. Janelle Monáe) - We Are Young

Once again, we have another timeless throwback song. I remember this song constantly playing on the radio when I was younger, and its catchy lyrics getting stuck in my head for days. The perfection of this song speaks for itself, considering the massive achievements it brought the group (including a Grammy award for Song of the Year in 2012). “We Are Young” is the culmination of teenage youth shoved into a 4 minute and 10 second indie pop anthem, with the lyrics describing an unforgettable night out with your friends. Listening to this song, especially with some of your best friends, is perfect for making you feel as if you’re truly living in the moment.

4. M83 - Midnight City

“Midnight City” is a track that’s perfect for playing in the car on a late night drive. The lyrics of the song are a tribute to city nightlife, indicated by the title itself. This is one song that doesn’t need as many lyrics to articulate its message, but the hollow echoes of the lyrics given resonate with the listener. The song’s transcendent sound and memorable riff make it one that you won’t want to miss. You also can’t talk about this song without mentioning the standout saxophone solo that ends the track. I firmly believe that this is one of those songs that’s better listened to than explained, as the song speaks for itself. 

5. Young the Giant - Cough Syrup

As soon as I heard this song come up on my Spotify shuffle, I immediately added it to my playlist. The mix of an indie rock sound with meaningful lyrics caught my attention, and I couldn’t stop listening to the song for weeks. The lyrics of “Cough Syrup” perfectly depict the cliché struggle many coming-of-age indie film protagonists face: the feeling of being lost and aching to get out of your mundane town and lifestyle. However, this common story troupe doesn’t only apply to fictional characters but to many teenagers out there as well (I may or may not be speaking from personal experience). This song by the alternative rock band has the perfect balance of symbolic lyrics and a catchy chorus that you will be humming for hours.

6. Supergrass - Alright

“Alright” is a song that can speak to teenagers everywhere. Lyrics such as “But we are young, we get by” relate back to the simple yet complicated nature of the average teenage experience. Watching the music video, which showcases the British alternative rock band Supergrass joyfully messing around and having fun, will make you wish you could be there and hang out with them as well. The upbeat vibe and joyful piano tune make this song perfect to play on a sunny day.

7. Lonely God - Marlboro Nights

If you frequent the app TikTok, chances are you probably recognize this song from there. Though this indie pop single was released back in 2018, the popular social media app brought it back into the limelight during July 2019. From there, the song reached high spots on the Spotify Viral 50 Charts. The lyrics speak of a love story that many teenagers can probably relate to, especially the opening lyric “I don't want to go to school tomorrow I can't study thinking about you” that immediately leaves an impression on the listener. “Marlboro Nights” is another song which lacks in lyrical amount however holds itself up with a catchy rhythm and lyrics.

8. Bruno Major - Places We Won’t Walk

We’re now taking a sadder turn with this soft R&B track by the British singer and songwriter Bruno Major. Listening to this song, I can picture it playing in the background as the film hits its climax, and the protagonist finally experiences the sad reality of their situation, whether it be losing the love of their life or a close friend. This is arguably the saddest song on this list, however, I feel like it serves to show that being the main character doesn’t always equate to happiness as every person experiences their own highs and lows. Bruno Major’s soothing vocals along with the soft piano in the background make for such a beautiful song. 

9. Wallows - Do Not Wait

Throughout Wallows’ debut album Nothing Happens, they touch on topics such as youth and nostalgia, and the indie rock/bedroom pop song “Do Not Wait” is no exception. The lyrics show how, especially during your teen years, everything feels so world-crushing and the smallest mistake can feel like it’s the end of the world. But in reality nothing happened, and everything is going to turn out okay despite those prior feelings. “Do Not Wait” was the perfect ending to an album full of stories about the teenage experience. When listening to this song, the bridge and outro really stuck up to me, specifically the part where the band member and lyricist of the song Dylan Minnette seems to be speaking to his past self. This shows how the whole song is written from the perspective of his older self talking to his younger self, while simultaneously showing his own personal self growth over the years.

10. Lorde - Ribs

You can’t bring up songs that make you feel like the protagonist in a coming-of-age indie film without mentioning the showstopper that is “Ribs” by Lorde. This song is the perfect description of the bittersweet feeling of never wanting to grow up that all of us experience at least once in our lifetime. Raw and honest lyrics such as “This dream isn't feeling sweet / We're reeling through the midnight streets / And I've never felt more alone / It feels so scary, getting old” give the song a relatable aspect that can appeal to all teenagers. The longing and sadness in the lyrics mixed with Lorde’s unique voice and an upbeat electronica sound make this song so unique. If you are looking for the perfect song to listen to as you dance outside in the rain at night with some of your best friends, or even for those 3 am existential crises, this is the song for you!

Now we’ve finally come to the end of this list, and I hope you found at least one song that makes you feel like you’re the main character. But just know, even if you may not feel like it, you are always the main character of your own life. Life may not always feel as romanticized as films make it out to be, but you always have the ability to romanticize your own life as much as you can: so do it!

If you’d like to check out a playlist with these songs and others that fit this same theme, here’s a link to my Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3jhAQfVQpVmbabQEzG1gGF?si=rP0gfaVAS56RXUXn8aHgbw

[tinywordsblog]

Tiny Words is a creative nonfiction podcast, featuring my own writing and stories. In episode 1, I talk about my experiences with disordered eating, body image, and recovery. 

And, more than anything, this is an ode to little Amber, and the little legs that have carried her this far. (It’s also an ode to the White Rabbit Cafe’s vegan chocolate chip cookies).

Trigger Warning: This podcast episode discusses topics of disordered eating, weight, health, calories, and food. If these things are triggering to you, I would not recommend listening to this episode, but I appreciate you nonetheless. 

Transcript: 

The goal of the ‘Tiny Words’ blog has always been to highlight the small truths of life, those that make up our existence and have a larger impact than it might seem on the surface. For this podcast series, I’ll be featuring my own writing as an audio presentation. I’ll be telling my own stories (and perhaps those of others) through a format that is new to me as a creator. Throughout the past few months, I’ve reopened the world of creativity and writing--a realm that has long been boarded up and evacuated. I wanted to reopen that realm in this podcast episode by writing a story that many months of therapy has shown me is one of my own truths. With that said, I present “Just a Little Husky” to you. I hope you find something of myself in this. 

DISCLAIMER: I want to preface this story with a trigger warning. This episode discusses topics of disordered eating, weight, health, calories, and food. If these things are triggering to you, this episode might not be best for you. 

[introduction music fades into the story]

I was in elementary school when I discovered what a body was. I knew that we all had stomachs and arms and legs and chins. I was aware of those things only as they related to being a child. My legs carried me where I needed to go. My arms were used for holding and hugging and gesturing. My stomach was something to be fed and nurtured. But I never knew what those things were supposed to look like. Or that those things were “supposed” to look like anything at all. At that same age, my older sister’s friend--only 2 short years older than myself--lost a significant amount of weight. Our families rallied around her, remarked on her “dedication” and the clockwork-like Wii Fit exercises she was doing. For the first time in my life, thinness was celebrated. 

I became aware of the looks that those closest to me had given plus-size women before I knew what a plus size woman was. The side-eyed glances to a woman in a form-fitting shirt. Scoffs cast on young girls confidently wearing shorts when “they really shouldn’t be wearing shorts that short. Not with that body.” 

When my sister’s friend lost weight, and more importantly when she was celebrated for her weight loss, my innocence began to crack and shatter. A mirror had been turned on myself, and confidence became something you needed to shrink yourself down into. 

My sophomore year of high school, a pediatrician--one who considered himself “traditional” to be exact--told my mother and I that, “it wasn’t a problem yet. She’s not overweight. Just a little husky.” 

Just a little husky. Just a little husky. Just a little husky. 

Not a problem yet, but becoming one. Just a little husky.

He diagnosed me with the feelings of self-hatred that had cast their shadow on my reflection. “Just a little husky” and suddenly I became no more than a number. 

It wasn’t until a year ago, when my therapist furrowed her brows and asked, “He said what?” that I realized my pediatrician’s words were the wrong thing--not my body. Now, I see his comment as a lapse in his judgment. Back then, though, it was a death sentence.

I was raised on diet culture and calorie counting apps and skinny teas and fat-free versions of your favorite snack foods. That day at the doctor’s office, I was prescribed a monster thinly-veiling itself as healthy living. It told me that to be healthy was to avoid. To shrink. To achieve the smallest possible number. 

And, really, the numbers were all I had. Scale in the morning, before breakfast to be the smallest possible weight. “Bare minimum” best describes it. I ate cereal in the morning, exactly one cup-sized measuring cup full of Special-K with no milk. I would eat a  sandwich for lunch, on bread that was strictly labeled “light,” spread with one exact tablespoon of peanut butter-- or perhaps two, on a cheat day. I ate snacks, but never more than 90-calories each. For dinner I would eat with my family, but I “portion controlled” and never took a second serving. I’d eat side salads as a main meal on a bad day, and dessert was a rarity. My pantry was full of green block text screaming “light,” “low-fat,” “diet soda,” “shrink yourself until there’s nothing left”, and wither away faster with this brand of pretzels for a lower rate than the competitor!

The patriarchy packaged up an eating disorder into a glittering pink parcel and sold it to me on a silver scale. Told me I was too fat to feel worthy of a crop top. I was commercialized into a fat kid with a complex about the clothes I wore and the way I sat, constantly aware of  the way my face morphed into a smile and how my body moved around me when I danced. I sewed my worth into the waistband of my pants. I practiced my smile and adjusted my posture. I wore only the size that I wanted to be, and if a store’s clothes ran smaller--forcing me into the next size up--I cried my way to another. I was “just a little husky,” and the diet was not enough to erase those words from the corners of my mind. 

I once heard a slam poem by Blythe Baird called ‘When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny’ that says, “If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.” When I first heard Baird’s poem, I tried to pretend that I wasn’t listening to my own existence sung back to me from someone else’s mouth. But it was my own song. When you go from being fat to being skinny through means of an eating disorder, your mental illness becomes a physical celebration. I was fifteen years old being asked what my “secret” was by fully-grown aunts and uncles. I was told “You look great”, a compliment that I’ve learned translates to “You look smaller.” They applauded me even when I asked for no Easter candy, when I asked permission to eat my birthday cake “and even the ice cream, too?” 

To this day, I still ask for permission when eating a fear food, but now I’m able to answer my own question. When I was restricting myself, I thought of progress only in quantitative terms. I was a series of numbers, gradually getting smaller, hoping to never get bigger. Now, I can see my progress cast around my person like light falls through a window. The light does not pick and choose certain objects to illuminate just like my disordered eating did not pick and choose certain aspects to affect while leaving others untouched. When progress came, it could be seen shimmering on every surface. I see my progress in the way I slouch in chairs. In how I clothe myself in patterns that I love rather than vertical stripes because, to quote a dying fashion industry, “horizontal stripes make you look bigger.” In how I laugh without covering my mouth. In how I’m trying to learn to love my smile no matter how it stretches my face. In how I speak without fear of my voice “sounding fat,” though I’m still not sure how fifteen-year-old Amber thought a voice could sound that way. 

In how, even on my bad body days, I buy myself White Rabbit Cafe-sized vegan chocolate chip cookies. In how I sweeten my tea and spice my food. In how I’ve forgotten the number of calories in a single grape and couldn’t tell you the amount of carbs in a bowl of pasta. In how I love my stretch marks as if they were the perfect tattoos. 

My body certainly isn’t a temple, but I’m learning day-by-day to turn it into a warm bed on a rainy day. It’s becoming a place to take comfort, a thing to clothe in loving embraces and swaths of my favorite colors. Or, rather than making it a metaphor, maybe my body is just my body. My means of navigating the world. The vessel used to love and be loved. The thing I carry around with me always. 

Maybe I am “just a little bit husky,” and that’s a thing to be celebrated, too.

[meetevieinthehallway]

cus y’laugh is pretty.

in which harry gets his wisdom teeth removed.

-

harry isn’t a fan of drugs.

not like that— the medicinal drugs that they put you under for surgeries, or even the ones that take away headaches.

specifically— the ones that alter the mind and consciousness.

first of all, he doesn’t like needles and he doesn’t understand people who don’t get bothered by them; he thinks it’s absurd someone is okay with a large, sharp object impaling at their skin and altering their immune system.

and the effects they have!

it’s a freaky fucking way to put something helpful into someone’s body.

second of all, he doesn’t like pain. nobody does— but harry fears pain and has crazy anxiety about its intensity, its severity. he’s never had a cavity in his fucking life so he has never really experienced a toothache, what if this is the worst pain i’ve ever felt? it worries him sick and he hasn’t been sleeping well for the past couple days, waking from dreams where he was in the dentist chair and there’s needles and tools and they pinched at his flesh but they didn’t truly numb his nerves and he could feel everything going on—

third of all, he doesn’t like the idea of not having control over his own being, his mind loose and free and with no filter. harry is a man of calculated speech; he chooses his words with care and makes sure they are impactful before they are released. his tediousness and careful words only intensified as he grew in fame— he can’t slip up in the media when he possesses the spotlight.

drugs like these ones—the ones being injected with a tiny needle into his fucking arm—are just keys able to access the locked depths of harry’s mind.

forget the control aspect— the fact that harry won’t even remember how he acts under drugs freaks him out; he won’t know what he said, how he said it.

what if i say something completely inappropriate?!

well fuck, he’s always thinking raunchy or romantically about his fiancée—

what if i embarrass myself? or even her! oh god—

it was these thoughts and nerves that cause harry’s knee to bounce up and down in the waiting room chair, his fingers twitching at the material at his thighs. his eyes have been downcast since they checked in, eyebrows furrowed as he dazes off at the tile floor, worries and concerns and nerves swirling in the pit of his stomach.

he doesn’t want to do it.

he really doesn’t.

i can’t do it.

but another hand rests on top of his, causing his leg to halt and for his eyes to break over next to him.

his lovie is looking at him with soft eyes, her lips pouting. harry gazes at her, his eyes blinking as she thread her fingers through his, pulling their hands into her lap. she’s fiddling with his fingers, twirling his rings and rubbing his knuckles.

“you shouldn’t be so scared, bub.”

he bites his lip.

“you’re gonna be fine, okay?”

he shakes his head, putting his eyes back on the ground, his leg beginning to bounce again.

“harry.”

he looks at her again. her eyes are pleading for him to go through with it—and god, he doesn’t want to disappoint her in any way—but he is so fucking terrified that he might just have to get up and leave.

“please don’t make me.”

his voice is cracking and breaking so sadly and although his brain is moving too wildly to produce any tears, his eyes are glossed over and her hand is squeezed extremely tightly in his,

she’s never seen him this way.

her fiancé is a strong and confident man—for the love of god, he’s worn pink and floral suits and has pranced around like a lunatic—who doesn’t typically let something like this bother him.

he’s been a mess for days— she had to physically pull him out of bed this morning because he refused to get up, mumbling that he wanted to take a rain check. she coaxed him with the promise of starbucks on the way, and he was dumb enough to only notice her trickery when she drove straight to the dentist office, murmuring in a fake-sad voice that oh, i forgot, you can’t eat or drink before this, h!

he hasn’t looked at her since. not until now— with sad eyes that purely begged to just take me home.

she sighs. “bubby.” she turns her body to face him completely. “it’s starting to impact your other teeth and jaw. if they aren’t removed, it’s gonna be detrimental.” her hand cards through his hair.

“b-but… can’t i do it without anesthesia?” he murmurs, his other hand joining in holding hers. “’s scary. people...— people die from anesthesia! i don’t wanna die i—”

“it’s best for you to be put to sleep.” she whispers gently, a hand coming to his cheek to hold his eyes to hers. “with how anxious they know you are… with the pain and everything, h.” she touches his face. “you also have six wisdom teeth, baby, so it’s a bit more complicated.”

he exhales loudly, turning his face. his hands loosen around her palm, breath sighing and hands moving to ruffle his hair.

“harry.” she says sadly.

he doesn’t look at her.

“i love you, and i promise,” she whispers. “you’re going to do absolutely amazing. and ‘m gonna spoil the fuck out of you with cuddles, ice cream and your favorite films.”

he mumbles, dejected, “don’t want ice cream.”

“popsicles then.”

“hmph.”

“even the orange ones...” she coos, and he looks at hers.

“t-the... the orange ones i like?”

“mhm.”

“from th’shop across town?”

she looks a him with gentle eyes, nodding.

harry’s lips pull into a small, lip-trembling, hesitating smile. “okay.”

“okay.” she smiles.

it’s quiet, the only sound the waiting room elevator style music, and he cringes. the room is such a stark white that it’s hurting his eyes, stinging his head and he sighs through his nose.

then his mind drifts.

it drifts off into more pessimism, the excitement for his favorite treat vanishing away as he thinks and thinks.

he remembers back on those loopy videos that he had rewatched incessantly, eyes wide as he bit his lip as the man throws a literal fit in the car, swollen cheeks and a muffled screaming voice.

his love had told him to stop watching them but he didn’t listen, and now he’s sitting here in a stupid waiting room and his brain is rambling because he doesn’t know what he will say when he has no control over his body—

“do you promise to forgive me if i say something inappropriate?” he bites his lip.

she breaks into soft giggles, nodding furiously and squeezing his hand. “absolutely.”

“y’sure?”

“course i am.”

“even if—”

“harry styles?”

the world goes a bit fuzzy as they’re pulled out of their conversation.

they both look and turn towards the soft voice, a dental hygienist in blue scrubs smiling at them brightly. her eyes and smile are warm, welcoming even, and it did nothing to aid harry’s pain and worry.

harry looks at his love and stares at her eyes. they are confident and strong, and at least if he isn’t okay, she is.

he hopes he will be.

he leans over the arm of the chair and kisses her cheek softly, slowly, pulling back and wetting his lips with his tongue. “hold my hand till i fall asleep?” his voice is pleading and quiet.

her eyes flicker to his, head nodding slowly. “of course.”

and that’s all he needed.

so he stands slowly, smiling small at the woman.

he takes his lovie’s hand and pulls her close to his side.

and together, they walk down the hallway after her.

—

“lovie!”

her head snaps up, her coloring book app on her phone forgotten the moment that her eyes land on her fiancé.

oh, boy.

here he is—the man she can proudly call hers—smiling greatly and stumbling with his long limbs despite the dentist holding up eighty percent of his body weight. his arm is strewn in an open gesture, silently requesting a hug from his favorite person, his other arm around the struggling dentist’s shoulders. she stands quickly, hurrying over, biting back a smile at his giggling and his coos. she brings his other arm over her shoulders, helping the dentist hold and walk him. his face immediately bends down and nuzzles into her neck, his voice cooing and humming.

“my lovie.”

he picks his head up and stares at her intently, a dopey smile stretching his swollen cheeks.

she turns to look at him briefly, doing a double take when she realizes how he dreamingly he’s staring at her. “hi” he drawles, moving his head again, this time to nuzzle his face into the top of her hair.

“hi, bub.” she laughs. “gotta help us get you to the car, alright?”

“okie dokie.” he murmurs, picking up his feet only a slight bit more, lazily feigning a march as they left through the door of the dentist’s office.

maintaining to get a six-foot-something groggy and giggly man—arguably child—into the passenger seat is more of a challenge than she originally thought. it’s a mess of unmoving limbs and a stubborn whiny voice and knocking-together-knees, and his love and the dentist both are out of breath by the time his butt hits the leather seat. when he is finally in and situated, he pouts, telling his girl that he doesn’t wanna sit, through a muffled whiny voice from the gauze filling his cheeks.

“’s my car!” he whines, stomping his feet on the floor of the vehicle. “can i drive?”

“no.”

another whine.

“why not?”

“because i wanna be home in one piece.”

she closes the door gently, turning to face his dentist with humored eyes as the man chokes back a breathy laugh. “thought you guys reversed the drugs towards the end?”

the dentist laughs. “poor kid was freaking out so bad, i thought we should just... let him be blissful for as long as possible.”

she smiles, giggling, “you left me with a handful.”

she turns, looking over her shoulder, and she snorts and holds back more laughs when she sees her love staring at her through the tinted window, pouting, his hand pressed to the glass. the tip of his nose is smushed there as well, gently rubbed against the surface as he whines.

the doctor holds back a laugh. “he should be okay, he’ll most likely fall asleep and wake up fine.”

she grins, shaking her head.

after she is done discussing final details with him, she slides herself in the car, sighing lightly and turning to her fiancé.

she furrows her eyebrows.

his arms are crossed in front of his chest, puffy lips pouting and his knees pulled toward one another.

“what is it, bubby?”

he mumbles quietly, voice slurring and lisping.

“what was that?”

“th’dentist took ’m’tongue.” he mumbles softly, words jumbling together. “’s gone.” he frowns.

she snorts.

“your tongue isn’t gone, h.” she leans over the car, grabbing his seatbelt and crossing it over his frame. “’s right in there, sweet.”

he pouts at her, fingers reaching to touch his cheek and mouth. “can’t feel it, feels funny.”

she giggles. “it’s supposed to.” she pries his hand away, putting it in her own palm.

“feels like a balloon.”

she shifts the car in drive and pulls out onto the road, shaking her head with an endeared smile. he simply was adorable like this, widened eyes of wonder and a childish voice that questions every sense around him. he’s pointing at trees and dogs on the roads and gasping and giggling at everyone and everything.

then he quiets, and she is driving a while before feeling harry’s gaze on her cheek. she turns, smiling when he gives her a big dopey smile, giggling and babbling at nothing, bouncing his head to some imaginary music.

“you okay, harry?” she glances at him again.

his lips instantly turn down. the hand that has been clasped in her fingers is immediately pulled away, a wounded and offended look casting over his face. his eyes stare at her, wide, as they water quickly and he sniffles. she’s instantly alarmed, her own eyes going wide at him as she pulls up to a red light and looks over.

“what’s wrong, hm?” she coos at him. “are you hurtin?”

“no.” he sniffles, shaking his head and blinking rapidly.

“what is it?” she murmurs softly, her hand failing in its attempts to grasp his.

“harry.” he whimpers, gauze slipping up to the corner of his lips and muffling his voice.

“what?”

he tucks his hands into his chest, shielding them away from her grasp. “’m not harry.”

“you’re not harry?” she’s so confused.

his eyes stare at her, wide, upset and astonished at how obvious the answer was. “m’name’s not harry!”

her eyebrows furrow. “what’s your name, then?”

he scoffs, mumbling how utterly unbelievable this is. “bubby!”

silence.

she erupts into giggles. she can’t help it, because he looked so devastated over something so ridiculous.

“you call me bubby. buh-bee.” he pouts, voice whining and eyes spilling out tears. “that’s m’name.”

“you’re right, bub. you’re right. i’m sorry.” she says through a fit of giggles.

his eyes narrow at her, and he looks genuinely offended. “why are you laughin’ at me?” he slurs, frowning at her profile.

“nothing, nothing. all is okay.” she grins. “’m not laughing at you.”

“’m your husband. y’can’t laugh at me.”

“oh?” she giggles.

“m-hm. ’s in the rules.”

she glances at him. “the rules?”

“mhm. the marriage rules.”

“yeah? what else is in the rules?”

he huffs, looking out the window as he thinks. his drugged mind makes him feel really floaty, so he is drunkenly pulling all of his energy in to think as his body is swaying as he genuinely ponders through his altered mind.

“y’have to make me brownies.” he says seriously.

she quirks an eyebrow and shoots another glance his way, a smile gracing her lips. “i hafta bake brownies for you?”

“mhm. every day.” he looks at her. “with the— the big chocolate chips i like.”

he’s speaking absolute nonsense and she doesn’t know how to contain her laughs.

“anything else in the marriage rules?”

silence.

“i get t’eat you out every day.”

silence.

she cackles.

her body jolts forward violently and her laughs transform to heavy breaths, and she’s giggling so intensely that her abdomen throbs, arm crossing her stomach as she tries to slow her breathing.

“y’laughing again!!”

he yells at her with a childlike voice, and she holds back another round of laughter as he sounds upset.

“i’m not i’m not... just— saw something funny outside.”

his green eyes are swimming with a drunkeness she’s never seen.

“that’s a lie!”

“i’m not laughing.” she grins at him. “promise.”

he huffs at her, arms folding back over his chest. “sounds like y’are.”

“’m not, bubby.”

harry’s eyes light at the name, and he fails to hide it, his emotions conflicted between happiness and detestment as he looks at his girl. on one hand, she’s laughing at him and that’s just... mean. and on the other—

his hand slowly slides back into her palm, a small smile on his lips starting to hum as he looks out the window.

she smiles, rolling her eyes at his antics and continuing to drive.

it’s quiet for a couple miles, besides the humming from his throat and the raspberries he’s blowing into the air.

then he gasps loudly, causing her to jump.

“lovie!”

she breathes, “yes?”

“i-i—” he stammers, unsure of how to word his sentence. “do— do you realize what just happened?”

“uh... what d’you mean, love?”

“l-like… that guy just… stole m’teeth!”

here we go again.

“didn’t steal them, bub.”

“well then—” he challenges, “where did they go?”

“on... on a vacation.” she says quickly, hoping it would settle his questions.

“...how come m’teeth get a vacation and i don’t?”

“not a good vacation, love. they were bothering you, so they had to go.” her voice is soft, gently suggesting so she wouldn’t have to tell his drunken mind that they ripped his teeth from his skull.

well, harry has to think about that.

he sits back in his seat, eyebrows furrowed as he mumbles to himself. he touches his lip before she mumbles a stern “hey.” and bats his hand away, his eyes going wide in realization.

“he’s like superman.” he mumbles, awed.

“who is?”

“m’dentist. superdentist.”

his fiancée starts laughing at his seriousness, giggles spilling from her lips. harry looks to her and starts chuckling as well, their laughs blending in the air of the car. she pauses, her giggles dying down slowly.

“why are you laughing?”

“cus y’laugh is pretty.” he grins cheesily, his feet swinging in the space of the car floor. “makes m’smile.” his voice is like a child’s— giggly and adorable and sheepish, his cheeks flushing with pink.

she grins at him, shaking her head gently.

“can i sleep?” he slurs, eyes fluttering and body starting to lean backwards into his seat.

“yeah, baby. y’need help reclining?”

“nuh uh.”

“are you sure?—”

she’s cut off by a snore.

a loud snore that she quickly looks towards, snorting when she sees her love’s face pressed against the glass of the window, body slumped. his heavy breathing increases the deeper he falls asleep, her lips letting out soft laughs at his behavior.

she shakes her head, turning to face the road.

oh, just wait until he hears everything he missed.

[taehyungiestummy]

Stuck -- Chapter Fifteen

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Word Count: 3243

           “This game is awesome,” I squeal as Jungkook, Jimin, Taehyung, and I win yet another game of Overwatch with two random players. “We are the best!”

           “You are just saying that because we are on a winning streak,” Jungkook laughs.

           A few hours ago we made it home, and everything has been going great. Namjoon and Emily are hanging out at the dorms doing who know what. Seokjin and Nari went out grocery shopping, and should now be back at their apartment relaxing. Yoongi and Hoseok are at Yoongi’s place probably writing music. The four of us left over are at Taehyung and my place getting our fill of a new video game.

           “Jagi, how do you have such good skills?” Taehyung looks over at me from the other end of the couch.

           “Don’t you play video games all the time, cutie?” Jimin looks up at me from the floor.

           As always, Jungkook and Jimin are sitting on the floor, but Jimin is near me while Jungkook is by Taehyung.

           “Just Pokémon, Animal Crossing, Harvest Moon, Mario, and some small random Nintendo games,” I pet Haipeo’s head as she is lying next to me. “Tae plays all the games like this. I’m more of a handheld and computer girl.”

           “Princess, you are such a geek,” Taehyung giggles. “I love it so much.”

           “I love you,” I coo, sitting up and fixing my glasses. “And I think I love two other boys in this room too.”

           “I think Keyowo loves me,” Jungkook is overly cocky with the dog sleeping in his lap.

           “You forced her to sit in your lap,” Jimin shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s love.”

           “She didn’t run away,” I stick up for the youngest boy. “That must mean something.”

           “Thank you, adorable, for sticking up for me,” Jungkook looks over at me. “You are the sweetest.”

           I smile, “That’s how I am. Just wanting to be as nice as possible to every single person.”

           “And that’s how we got together,” Taehyung boxy smiles. “Because I am the same way.”

           “She also accepted your weirdness,” Jimin says. “Which we were seriously interested to know if she would.”

           “Hey,” I pout. “What’s that supposed to mean about me?”

           “That you are a lovely girl who knows her soulmate when she found him,” Jungkook gives a forced smile, batting his eyelashes. “You also proved us boys wrong because you two make each other so happy.”

           “It was still hell hearing Tae-Tae talk our ears off about you,” Jimin groans. “It’s like he loved you right after the first meeting.”

           I look over at my boyfriend, his cheeks reddening at the comment. “Can I let you in on a little secret, babe?”

           Taehyung looks over at me, a small smile on his face. “Is it bad?”

           I chuckle, “No, not at all. It’s cute, and a bit weird, but you’ll like it.”

           “Go for it,” he winks.

           I feel my cheeks heating up, but I don’t shy away. “After I met you, I went back to Nari’s and looked up pictures of you the second I could. I had to check if you were the real deal, and put a picture for your contact.”

           “That’s unfair,” Taehyung pouts.

           “What?” Jungkook, Jimin, and I look at the boy in shock.

           “You could look up pictures of me, set pictures up, and remember exactly what I looked like,” Taehyung explains. “I had to remember what you looked like by memory. And I only saw you for ten minutes!”

           Jungkook, Jimin, and I burst into giggles. Haipeo even lets out a small bark.

           “Aw, Tae babe,” I resist the urge to crawl over and sit in his lap. “You could have just asked for a picture.”

           “That would have been creepy, and you know it,” Taehyung sits up on his knees and points at me. “Jagi, I could have drawn your face after that first meeting. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

           I look away, waving him off. “Whatever Tae. You’re too cute.”

           “I agree,” Jungkook says. “I mean, he’s known as one of the cute ones.”

           “I love how close you seven are,” I get comfortable on the couch again. “Now, can we get another game started?”

           “You used to be cute, Kookie,” Jimin chuckles. “Then you hit puberty.”

           “I am just able to be cute and sexy at the same time,” Taehyung boasts.

           “I trump all of you in cuteness,” I giggle, looking down at my laptop. “Just deal with it, and let’s move on.”

           “You are also super sexy baby,” Taehyung says. “Hot, beautiful, stunning, all those words.”

           “Stop,” I wave him off, feeling my cheeks and ears heating up. “Let’s just get back to Overwatch. We can talk more after a few more rounds.”

********

           A warm bath is always nice to have at the beginning of my period. It helps soothe my cramps as the painkillers take their time to kick in. Taehyung was actually the one to wake me up and tell me that I had blood on my pants. He was so sweet about the issue, kissing me all over my face to make me feel better. He carried me to the bathroom, and got me new shorts and underwear. He’s the best boyfriend I could have asked for.

           I sigh as a new slow song I’ve never heard before starts up. It’s on playlist called Bubble Bath Time that Taehyung made for me in times like this. “If only I wasn’t alone,” I mumble, beginning to feel like a prune.

           The song moves on, and not even a minute into ‘Butterfly’ does my phone begin to ring.

           “What the fuck?” I groan, sitting up to look at my phone.

           Taehyung’s dorky face is now taking over my screen as his voice telling me to pick up in many different voices fills my ears.

           “What is he doing?” I giggle, drying my hand to answer the phone and put it on speaker. “Yes Tae bae?”

           “Bae?” Taehyung’s deep laughter fills the air. “Was that a slip up?”

           I giggle, “Did I not say babe?”

           “No, you didn’t. I guess you are just too relaxed to think straight.”

           “Tae bae slides right off the tongue. I like it.”

           “So do I, so keep saying it.”

           “Okay, now that that is out of the way. Why did you call me?”

           “To check in on you, of course. How is my wifey?”

           I chuckle, “That is going to be so hard to get used to.”

           “Call me hubby.”

           “In due time, maybe,” I sigh. “I’m doing fine, Tae. I’m in the bath right now, and my cramps are way better. It’s a good thing it happened this morning and you were there to take care of me.”

           “I knew you were going to start because of last month, and because of the random stomachache. Wait, how are you taking a bath? Isn’t it getting everywhere?”

           I burst into laughter, unplugging the drain so I can calm myself down. “Oh, you innocent child in some aspects of this big world.”

           “The fuck was that?” Taehyung is holding in his laughs.

           “Tae! I rarely hear you curse.”

           “You liked it didn’t you? You curse all the time!”

           I giggle, “Yeah, I do say some bad words more often then most. It’s how I let off steam. But I will admit it was hot. Don’t go crazy, though.”

           “So, what am I so innocent about, hm?”

           “Tampons, babe. That’s how I am able to take baths,” I stand up, grabbing a towel to wrap around my body.

           “Oh,” he breaths out. “I saw those at the store.”

           “Yes, that’s where they sell them.”

           “I’ll Google them later. Now, what are your plans after the bath?”

           “Well, I’m done with it now, so Ill get dressed and then make lunch. Oh, and let the dogs out. Then write, and maybe color to destress.”

           “Are you stressed, jagiya? Do I need to come home?”

           I chuckle, picking up my phone to set in on the sink counter. “No, Tae, I can take care of myself. I’ll be fine until you come home. Plus, you can’t just drop everything to come to my side when I feel bad. You have a job.”

           “That I work hard at every single day. I can get a few hours off to come help you. If you are really in pain or something.”

           “I a fine. Plus, you called me. It’s one thing if I called you.”

           “True,” he chuckles. “I should let you go then. To get dressed and go do all the things you need to get done.”

           “I love you, Taehyung. Work hard and let’s make dinner together tonight.”

           “Sounds perfect, baby,” he hums. “See you later. I love you too.”

           “Bye babe.”

           He makes kissing noises before the line goes dead.

           The slow music starts back up again. ‘Butterfly’ giving me a weird calm.

           “That boy, too sweet to me. Fate is a crazy thing.” I quickly get dressed, deciding on some sweat shorts and a tight t-shirt with ‘BTS’ on the front and the boy’s names on the back. My hair ends up in a tiny bun as I exit the bathroom.

           I leash Haipeo and Keyowo up to take them out for a bathroom break and a walk. The action making me feel like a grown-up, and proud of how far I have come as a person. Once back in the apartment, I fill their food and water bowls, and get to making my own lunch. The only thing I feel well enough to make is a cheesy toasty and a tall glass of milk.

           “Social media time, I guess,” I take a bite of my sandwich, opening up Instagram. All kinds of pictures fill my feed, looking for something out of the ordinary. I don’t spot anything, and check my latest post. It’s a picture of the tub full, bubbles almost overflowing, and a caption are positive, asking if I am doing okay. Twitter is where I see hate almost instantly. It’s hard to just skip over it, and I close out of the app within minutes of opening it. “I think I’m going to clean,” I smile, placing my dirty dishes in the sink and turning on the faucet. “And I am going to blast music because I am a bigger person than those haters. And I always will be.”

********

           “It smells so good, doesn’t it babies?” I smile as Haipeo and Keyowo play tug-of-war with a rope toy.

           I’ve been quite productive on my day off, cleaning the whole apartment so I broadened my music horizon. Now getting to know so many different groups. When I had the cleaning done, I decided to rest and color for a bit. The weight of the harsh words drifting way. The dogs let me know when they needed to go out for a bathroom break and another walk. I will always be grateful that they love taking the elevator.

           “Chocolate chip cookies are always good,” I slip off the barstool, walking over to the oven to check the progress of my last two batches. “And with everyone who will want some, it’s a good thing I doubled the recipe.” Cookies upon cookies on paper towels take up the counters. There has to be at least seventy cookies out right now, with around twenty ready to come out of the oven. “Too bad I didn’t plan dinner,” I turn off the oven, putting oven mitts on to take the two cookie sheets out.

           Haipeo and Keyowo rush to the front door, signaling Taehyung’s return. The dogs being able to hear the key in the lock will always make me smile.

           “Welcome home, Tae bae!” I shout as I hear the door close. I turn down the music, grabbing the little spatula to move the cookies.

           “Princess, it smells so good,” Taehyung’s voice fills my ears. “So many cookies!”

           I giggle, doing my best to transfer the cookies faster. “We have so many friends, so I had to make a lot of cookies.”

           “What’s for dinner?” Taehyung wraps his arms around my middles, pressing kisses to my neck.

           Haipeo lets out a bark, causing a giggle to fill the room that isn’t Taehyung or myself.

           “Jimin,” I peal Taehyung’s arms off of me, turning to see Jimin on the living room floor with Haipeo and Keyowo.

           “Hi cutie,” Jimin waves at me. His smile so big his face squishes up.

           “What’s going on?” I walk over to the sink, getting to the dishes right away.

           “Well, Seokjin is with Nari,” Taehyung picks up a dry dish towel. “And Namjoon is with Emily. Jungkook went out with some friends, and Yoongi and Hoseok stayed to do some song writing.”

           “So, Chim-Chim had no where to go,” I hand a bowl to Taehyung. “Are you going to help with dinner, Chim?”

           “Of course,” Jimin nods. “I will prove my worth.”

           “Good,” I shuffle around on my toes, slowly feeling insecure in my outfit. “That means you two boys will start the meal and I can change.”

           “What?” Taehyung pouts. “Jagi, don’t do that,” he whines. “You look so hot,” he taps my butt a few times.

           “Do I make you uncomfortable, Amber?” Jimin seriously asks.

           “No, no,” I shake my head. “I’m just underdressed and feel out of place.”

           “You look fine. Don’t worry about it. Perfect in everything you do.”

           “And I won’t let you change,” Taehyung kisses my cheek. “My beautiful princess.”

           I feel the heat spread across my cheeks. “What are you going to make for dinner?”

           The boys chuckle at my quick change of subject.

           “Well, Tae here doesn’t cook much,” Jimin replies. “So it ahs to be a simple meal.”

           “Ramen,” Taehyung cutely looks around at the both of us.

           “Aw, that’s perfect,” I pat my boyfriend’s cheek. “Can we take a picture for my Instagram?”

           “I want to be in the picture too!” Jimin shouts.

           “Of course, Jiminie,” I giggle. “I would never leave you out.”

           “Why the need for the picture?” Taehyung whispers as we begin to pack away the cookies.

           “Just, reasons,” I shrug. “Nothing to worry about, I promise.”

           “It was hate, wasn’t it?”

           I sigh, “I’m fine now, Tae. I did a lot today, and the comments have left my mind.”

           “But you want to show them wrong, right?”

           “I guess.”

           “What’s all the whispering about?” Jimin asks as he steps into the kitchen.

           “Just, stuff,” I turn and hand the boy a cookie. “Now, are you ready to make dinner?”

********

           Taehyung’s hands are on my hips as he stands behind me, chin resting on the top of my head. “So, did someone take the picture yet?”

           I giggle, reaching my hands back to place them on Taehyung’s shoulders. “Namjoon does outfit posts, Tae and I can do couple posts.”

           “I know ARMY will go crazy,” Hoseok laughs.

           “I got some good pictures,” Yoongi grins. “So you can stop now.”

           Taehyung kisses the top of my head before pulling away from me. “Break time will always be fun with you here.”

           “Any time is fun with Amber,” Jungkook skips over to me. “You just bring something that no one else can.”

           “Yeah, it’s because she’s a girl,” Yoongi shakes his head. “You perverts.”

           I chuckle, “So that’s it, hm?”

           “We just think she’s cute,” Jimin rushes up to me, tickling my sides before picking me up like a bride. “She’s so much fun to be around, and always makes us smile.”

           “She’s sweet like that,” Seokjin smiles. “Always wanting the best for others, and then thinking of herself.”

           “Give her to me, hyung,” Taehyung pouts, holding out his arms for me.

           “As you wish,” Jimin taps his nose to my forehead before handing me over to Taehyung.

           “What is she, a doll?” Namjoon rolls his eyes. “Put her down.”

           “She’s a princess,” Taehyung rubs his nose across mine. “Do you want down, jagi?”

           “Well, breaks almost over, and I need to do something with those pictures,” I run my hand over his cheek.

           “Oh yeah, we took pictures for a reason,” he giggles, placing my feet on the ground. “A kiss?”

           I press my lips to his, smiling as his fingers sneak under my shirt to pinch my sides. “Okay, don’t go too crazy, Tae.”

           “No bae?” Jimin teases.

           “But you’re my bae, Chim,” I smirk.

           “Ah, well, you little,” Jimin pokes my cheek. “Cute.”

           “All of you guys are my before anyone else. I love all of you!” I skip over to Yoongi, sitting down as close to him as possible. “Thanks for taking pictures.”

           “My sister asked, so I delivered,” Yoongi places his arm around my shoulders. “I’m not always a cold hard ass.” He hands me my phone.

           “Thank you,” I rest my head on his shoulder. “You like taking pictures, don’t you?”

           “I do. It’s a bit of a hobby.”

           “Like Emily, but not as deep into it. So, do you ever snap pictures of me when I’m not looking? Moments where I look cute, or you just have to take a picture to remember the moment.”

           “As does Tae. We can’t help but want to take pictures of you.”

           I have a tight lipped grin as I select a picture to post on Instagram. “Is it my looks? My cheeks?”

           “Your puffy cheeks?” Yoongi gently pinches my cheek. “Maybe that’s what it is.”

           “Maybe it’s the hair,” I sigh, posting the picture. “Or the eyes.”

           “It’s just you.”

           I look up, catching Taehyung on his phone as his thumbs type away. Jimin is next to him, watching over whatever he is doing on his phone.

           “Okay, is everyone ready?” Mr. Son asks as he enters the room, a group of back-up dancers behind him.

           “Are we practicing ‘Fire’ now?” Seokjin asks.

           “Yes, for Amber’s sake. She has only done it a few times with the whole group.”

           I place my phone down next to my jacket and water bottle. “I was actually going to ask if we could do a few run throughs for myself.” I slowly stand up, giving a few quick stretches. “Okay, I am ready to do some dancing.”

           For the song ‘Fire’ I am placed in the middle so no one can spot me and cause a shit storm. When the boys walk through the middle at the end, I am able to reach out and high-five them. Though I would never do that in front of hundreds of ARMYs.

           “It’s so cool to have you here with us,” a girl next to me pats my shoulder. “A great dancer, dating Taehyung, and such a kind soul.”

           I giggle, “Thank you. I’m just doing the best I can.”

           “Some of us talk about inviting you to hang out, but know you are busy with so much. Probably school, and then being a girlfriend.”

           “Well, I have no school, so I don’t have to study. Being a girlfriend and taking care of two dogs takes a lot. I do have friends, and go out. I’m still kind of a kind.”

           “Well, next time we go out to lunch, we might invite you.”

           I give a small smile to the girl, “I’d like that. Can’t say I would go, but I would always give it thought. You guys are more than co-workers. You are a family, and I want to be a good member.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hope you enjoyed reading! About 2/3′s of the way through now! :D

[danieyells]

Because of you, tumblr keeps advertising ObeyMe! to me. I'm starting to crack under the pressure to play it 😔 Can you at least sum up what I'm gonna be getting myself into? How's the gameplay? I've never played this kind of game before

8D tbf it may have had been doing that regardless apparently people were seeing the ads when it first came out BUT. OKAY SUMMARY TIME.

So, Obey Me!, is not an otome game by traditional standards and, instead, simply follows a storyline with a good amount of romance in it. I believe it was first advertised(and its title in the play store originally referred to it as) an otome game and, instead, it now advertises itself properly as a story and card game.

Obey Me! follows your adventure in a place called The Devildom–essentially Hell, though I believe Hell is a separate part of it between itself and the Human World, I DIGRESS–where you’ve been brought as an exchange student to the Royal Academy of Diavolo, essentially a college for demons.

Mind, you had no awareness or say in this situation, but suck it up because you’re here for a year.

This is Diavolo! You can’t kiss him. Yet. I suspect we will eventually. But he’s basically why you’re here.

Story-wise your job is to develop an immunity to demonic influence and attend your classes(no, you don’t actually get to do so, though there are references to/talk of it) for a year stay in the Devildom. Afterwards, you’ll write a paper about your experience and you’ll be able to go home.

The exchange program is Diavolo’s attempt at starting peaceful and cooperative relations between the three worlds–The Human World, of which you are from, The Devildom, where Diavolo rules over all Demonkind, and the Celestial Realm, populated by angels and ruled over by who I like to call The Celestial Father, but most people just call god.

Don’t worry though! You won’t be thrown into the Devildom without help! After all, demons eat humans and their souls! You are overseen by Mammon, the Avatar of Greed, essentially your sidekick throughout the story. After Lucifer, his older brother and the Avatar of Pride, shoves you off onto the unwilling Mammon, you’re sent to the brothers’s home dorm, The House Of Lamentation, to get settled.

As you can tell by the names and ways I identify them, there are seven brothers and they’re all representative of the Seven Deadly Sins.

In order of oldest to youngest, we have Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride and Diavolo’s right hand man, Mammon, the Avatar of Greed and the one responsible for you here in the Devildom, Leviathan(or just Levi), the Avatar of Envy and a shut-in otaku, Satan, the Avatar of Wrath and the most normal-seeming one, Asmodeus,(or just Asmo) the Avatar of Lust and most charming of the seven(in a sense,) Beelzebub(or just Beel), the Avatar of Gluttony who is just as self-explanatory as Asmo, and Belphegor(everyone calls him Belphie), the Avatar of Sloth and the demon sent to the Human World in exchange for you. Suffice to say…you won’t see him much.

Oddly enough, before you woke up in the Devildom, you heard a boy’s voice begging you to help them. A demon trapped them–and you’re the only one they can rely on to save them, the voice said… .

HERE’S A READMORE BECAUSE IT GETS LONGER.

During your stay with the Seven Rulers of the Underworld(the aforementioned brothers,) you’ll get involved in their many chaotic family affairs, learning about them, making pacts with them, helping them, and romancing them along the way. Kinda.

The romance aspect has little effect on the game thus far aside from the phone calls you get every five intimacy levels. The more otome aspects are mostly in these calls, some of the texts you exchange, and in sidestories on Devilgram(the Devildom version of Instagram, obviously) you unlock by earning certain cards and raising intimacy scores. The main story does have a little bit of it(namely in the form of Mammon), but it mostly focuses on you making pacts with the brothers and helping them with their interfamilial issues and lives.

The story isn’t done and is likely not particularly near being done considering the game came out like two months ago and we get an update, thus far, once a month(but we’ve had a few events in between to keep ourselves entertained and busy with stories!)

NOW THEN ONTO GAMEPLAY… . If you’ve never played a gacha game before it’s basically a cashgrab whaletrap system where you randomly draw, in this case, cards for use in gameplay or collection. You get the best cards through premium pulls(i.e. paying real money but you actually earn the premium currency pretty easily in this game, not to mention you get one free pull of the two main paid gachas every…other day? I set mine so i get one every other day.) But you can get good cards through the regular currency pulls as well as actual gameplay.

You variously strengthen and level up the cards through battles(more below,) as well as drawing the same card multiple times(strengthens their ability), and through the Devil’s Tree, where you can also unlock more chats, calls, backgrounds and music for your home screen, and items. Using grimm(the regular currency) you can level up your cards quickly, and using grimm and items you get through gameplay and to-do “quests” you can advance spaces in a card’s Devil’s Tree and power them up as well. It’s pretty simple stuff!

So your gameplay is in the form of simple little dance battles in which you summon the demons you’ve pulled from Nightmare(the gacha system) to battle for you. They take care of most of it–all you have to do is collect hearts that pop up on the screen and tap on them when their meters are full to use charged attacks in essence. Very simple and pretty repetitive. There are special abilities in your(and the enemies’s) charged attacks that can add some difficulty beyond simple upscaling(namely if they have paralyze as an ability which makes things very inconvenient.)

These dance battles have a timer of 40 seconds and typically last about a minute tops. So things are pretty quick and easy as far as gameplay goes. You read the story, you make some choices(the story is linear and thus far doesn’t branch based on these decisions and you can also go back and redo the decisions as well as read chats and answer calls to redo decisions for new dialogue and sometimes intimacy points as well), you do some dance battles. That’s basically it.

:D JOBS is how you get money most easily as well as the occasional free affection items and affection boosts. All you have to do is send each of the brothers to work a job(they have favorite jobs as well as thus-far-mostly-secret combinations they can work in that you can watch secret conversations they have at their workplace in) and you’ll be notified when they’re done and you need to pick them up. If you do each job enough you’ll unlock another jobsite with greater profits(and more time between when you need to come get the little shits!)

Oh! But there’s a bit more I forgot to mention! Namely :D JOBS and Surprise Guests!

Surprise Guests come in two forms! The actual surprise kind which will pop up sometimes after a dance battle and the not-surprise kind which come up about twice a day on the home screen!

Oh, I forgot to mention the homescreen too. You can set one of the brothers to stay on the home screen and greet you when you go to it or open the app! The notifications are also voiced by them! If they have a little speech bubble over their head like so, you can engage them as Surprise Guests.

You can also poke them on the home screen and they’ll talk a little! Usually about the other brothers or that you’re touching them.

NOW THEN ONTO SURPRISE GUESTS. AKA THE FUN PART ASIDE FROM THE STORY ITSELF.

As I said, after each dance battle there’s a chance you’ll get a surprise guest–one of the three demons you used in the battle!

From here you can give them food, items, medicine, or whip them--they all have preferences of what they like to be given as well! You can buy these things on Akuzon–which is the Devildom equivalent of Amazon which they clearly only used to avoid copyright, given Amazon is evil already–using premium currency or additional currency called Ravens(which you get through Surprise Guests, collecting cards over 10 times, earn in to-do quests, or get from :D JOBS.)  However you can also get them for free from :D JOBS, to-do quests, and sometimes they’ll send them to players through the mail system.

Alongside material items, you can touch them to praise them for a job well done(or comfort them after a battle you didn’t do perfectly in.)  Demons love being pet apparently!

Do this well, and you’ll get an intimacy boost! The first 5~7 surprise guests you get three hearts for the day will give you gifts–either AP(stamina), grimm(standard currency), or ravens.

↓this should be animated. If it’s not. . .gdi.

You can also get them on the home screen and you get different, more affectionate/romantic dialogue when you do well on home screen affections. I believe these are also influenced by your intimacy score.

↓again, this should be a gif. . .not sure if moving atm 

You can tap or rub the screen, as well as shake your phone or hit ‘Ignore’ to get a response out of them as well as giving them snacks and items. (They mostly don’t seem to like the phone being shaken or being ignored but I’ve also gotten neutral reactions from both rather than negative ones.) You can interact with their head/hair, face, arms, or chest(i think their hand counts as their arm so in the cases of Lucifer and Satan who always have their hand on their chest, be careful lol.) You can do bad, neutrally, or good in the end. You never lose intimacy points so don’t worry too much if you wanna fuck with em and see their reactions lol you’ll have chances to redeem yourself.

I THINK THAT’S IT. 8D i say give it a try if only for the fun characters or the story, and if you don’t like then nbd, right? 'u’ come to hell with ussss

[hi-i-love-u-bitch]

Excuse me! But where is my Sanders Sides Gamer AU???

Voices in my head: Gee Bunny, it seems you have no problem writing a lot of other fics and stuff yet you still haven’t even finished the next chapter of your Spiderverse fic???

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP DISEMBODIED VOICES IN MY HEAD!!! IF YOU WANT THAT FIC DONE SO BADLY TELL MY LOGIC AND CREATIVITY TO GET THEIR ASSES IN GEAR AND GIVE ME SOME GOD DAMN INSPIRATION!!!!

Voices in my head:.....

Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought! Anyways, idk if I just missed a memo or something but I haven’t seen any Gamer AU of my boys and that is a crime in and of itself! Like, how dare! But fret not, I am here to provide content (Read: headcannons) that you did not ask for! Let us begin! Or should I say start!

(please note that I am not a gaming expert so feel free to add or correct stuff)

NOW WITH A PART 2!!!!

MAIN SQUAD

Roman Rosewood

Obviously loves RPGs! Anything with a good story line really! Or has medieval fantasy aesthetic!

Skyrim, Diablo, Undertale, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Fallout, Red Dead Redemption, Undertales, Dragon Age, God of War Dark Souls, Assassins Creed, Earthbound, etc.

Played West of Loathing just so he could rip on it but actually ended up loving it and spending way to many hours playing. Then he found out there was a game called Kingdom of Loathing by the same creators and went down that rabbit hole as well.

He was iffy about getting into JRPGs but then Virgil convinced him to play Persona 5 and he absolutely fell in love with the music!

All the music in his phone is either from musicals or Video games!

Also really likes choose your own adventure games like Detroit: Become Human, Life is Strange, and Telltale Games

So much video game merch! Usually figurines because he likes to make little shelves and display cases for them.

He also really likes multiplayer games because he’s a social butterfly and likes to play with his squad.

Sucks at first person shooter games but still willingly plays Fortnight or Call of Duty or Left for Dead with his friends because he doesn’t want to be a drag and complain. But also they sometimes die in game in the most hilarious ways and it just leaves everybody wheezing.

Virgil Dante

Horror games, obvs!

All about that dark aesthetic!

Devil May Cry, Silent Hill, Fran Bow, Sally Face, Resident Evil, The Witch’s House, Amnesia, Little Nightmares, Bendy and The Ink Machine, Alice: Madness Returns, SCP-Containment, Pony Island, etc.

Yes, he’s played all the Five Nights At Freddy’s games. It’s a good series and it isn’t his fault the fandom is bat shit crazy and full of ten year olds! Fuck you Roman!

Every time the Walking Dead comes out he knows he’ll end up crying by the end of it. He and the squad make and event out of it.

Japanese horror games are usually his favorite because they deal more with the psychological aspects of horror instead of the jump scares

So, yes, he’s also a fan of Corps Party and Fatal Frame

Also really good at first person shooters because he has a really steady hand (you usually have to when playing horror games least you want to restart the level) and it pisses Roman off to no end every time Virgil randomly headshots him.

Usually likes to by merch in the form of posters, t-shirts, or beanies. He only buys figurines if it’s a game he really, really likes.

At first didn’t know why people kept bugging him to play Doki Doki Literature Club but then he finally caved and...oh...that’s why.

Logan Mill

My boy loves puzzle and strategy games yo!

Legend of Zelda, Portal, Tetris, Unravel, World of Goo, Inside, Limbo, Pokemon, Shadow of the Colossus, StarCraft, Command and Conquer, Age of Empire, Heart of Iron, World of Warcraft, etc.

He likes Overwatch but doesn’t like playing with people online so he usual solos or asks the others to play. But that too usually ends in chaos.

Hates rage games because he gets frustrated easily and has broken at least four keyboards and two controllers

He still plays them anyways because he can beat it damn it! Just give him a minute!

Enjoys the God of War series despite all the mythological inaccuracies

He plays a lot of Minecraft to relax or destress and has build beautiful works of architecture and sometimes entire cities.

He thought it was stupid and childish and was embarrassed about it for a long time until the squad came over to his house one day uninvited and caught him playing. He was getting ready for them to make fun of him but they instead gushed about how AMAZING everything looked and how TALENTED he was for building all himself.

Logan ends up showing them how to play afterwards and they work together to make weird sculptures and complex tunnels underground.

He likes practical merch like backpacks, coffee mugs, pencil holders, notebooks, ect. as well as a few t-shirts and novelty ties.

Yes, he does collect Pokemon cards!

Patton Adley

Silly dating sims, farming games, and any cute game really! Plus a few side scroller games!

Stardew Valley, Harvest Moon, Slime Rancher, The Sims, Dream Daddy, Animal Crossing, Kirby, Monster Prom, Hatoful Boyfriend, Scribblenauts, Night In The Woods, Ni Nu Kuni, etc.

Big Nintendo fan!

He made the mistake of playing Doki Doki Literature Club without reading the warning tags and regrets it immensely...still a good game though.

He did the same thing with Huni Pop but that one made him laugh more then anything and he kind of got addicted to it. Then he found out there was a sequel called HuniCam so he went down that rabbit hole too.

He likes a lot of phone app games too like Cut the Rope, Neko Atsume, and Candy Crush.

Loves trashy dating app games, he thinks they’re so funny and cheesy

He was addicted to Mystic Messenger for a long while

Just because he has his preference doesn’t mean he won’t try other games too, Logan got him hooked on World of Warcraft (though really he did that to everyone), Virgil showed him Hollow Knight, and Roman suggested he play Undertales.

Prefers merch in the form of plushies and key chains!

He likes to bake and decorate cookies, cakes and pastries in the form of his favorite video game characters.

RED SQUAD

Duncan [Deceit] Adley (Patton’s twin)

A lot of first person shooter and combat games!

Doom Series, Super Smash Bros, Mortal Combat, Halo, Fortnight, Grand Theft Auto, Street Fighter, Tekken, Soul Calibur, Half-Life, Team Fortress, Destiny, Wolfenstein, Bio Shock, Splatoon, PUBg etc.

Patton was the one that introduced him to Splatoon and he won’t admit that it’s actually super fun.

Doesn’t mind story driven games and RPGs but he really just wants something he can zone out to and relax

He likes to troll people online, mainly assholes picking on little kids who just want to play.

He once teamed up with a group of kids on Call of Duty solely for the purpose of collectively kicking the asses of this groups of so called “real gamers��� that were being jerks.

Has memorized all the combos! He doesn’t have time to sit and look up a cool finishing move, he needs it now!

Always mains the weakest/most useless character in fighting games and still manages to kick everyone’s ass.

Doesn’t have a preference in merch and usually grabs whatever he likes be it figurines, t-shirts, posters, plushies, or whatever, so long as he likes the game it comes from.

Has several tattoos from his favorite games

Emile Picani

Classic retro games, cartoonish games, and Nintendo are his jam broham!

Mario, Classic Sonic, Paper Boy, Transylvania, Spyro, Pac Man, All the Saga Disney games, Duck Hunt, Mario Kart, Galaga, Mega Man, Donkey Kong, Secret of Mana, Banjo-Kazooie, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, etc.

Absolutely fell in love with Shovel Knight when it came out!

Remy got him into all the indie pixel games: Towerfall, Terraria, Owlboy, Hotline Miami, Papers Please, Celeste, One Shot, etc.

Duncan was the one that introduced him to Cuphead and the usually play it together and see how far each of them can go without dying.

The game is difficult but the art is still so breathtaking!

Likes the occasional psychological thriller game

Bet Virgil showed him Alice: Madness Returns and Doki Doki Literature Club (after he’s played it of course)

Likes plushies and figurine merch with the occasional poster and coffee mug.

Likes to doodle a lot of his fav video game characters and cartoons and is actually really good at it. He helped design most of Duncan’s tattoos.

Remy Knightly

Likes a lot of indie games and old online flash games!

The Stanley Parables, Oxenfree, Inside, Firewatch, Super MeatBoy, The Binding of Issac, Donut County, Henry Stickman series, Impossible Quiz, Crush the Castle series, Hyper Light Drifter, etc.

He always gets everybody hooked on one game or another

He convinced everyone to play Undertales so for like a month they all went through a HUGE Undertales faze.

Was the actual, ACTUAL one that showed Duncan Cuphead because he knew the dork would be reminded of Emile because of the animation and would want to show it to him and play multiplayer (*cough* subtle matchmaker *cough*)

(Do not be fooled, he is a pinning boy himself)

Is up to date in all the gossip of the latest games and consuls, indie or mainstream! He’s in the know, know and if you need to know something chances are Remy probably knows it.

Weeds out through all the indie horror games for Virgil and recommends what he thinks are the best ones.

Same thing with Logan and his puzzle games, he’s usually is able to find very strange ones and Logan seems to likes those best.

Obviously has a lot of merch in coffee mug and thermal form as well as a few key chains.

Occasionally streams on Twitch with Duncan and Emile (sometimes inviting the main squad too), they’re commentary is usual hilarious.

[fivecentimeterspersecond]

Interview with Sui Wenjing with Xu Lijia (English Translation)

Chinese Pairs skater Sui Wenjing sat down for a discussion/interview with Olympic Gold Medalist in sailing, Xu Lijia. I did a loose translation of the 10 minute rapid-fire q&a in the beginning segment, so this is a detailed translation of the long discussion starting at 11:10. 

If you’d like to listen, there’s a dropbox link someone sent me of it (since you need to download an app to listen) and someone also uploaded on bilibili.  

The “free skate”/discussion portion of the interview starting at 11:10:

After winning the silver medal at the Olympics, Wenjing underwent surgery in her foot and entered a lengthy recovery period. In March prior to the World Championships, she had another accidental fell and hurt her lower back, but finally with persevering will and spirit, she and her partner gave another perfect performance on the World Championships stage. To stand on the highest step of the podium, what kind of pain did she have to endure? Xu Lijia continues her conversation with Sui Wenjing.

Xu: I want to turn this discussion back onto winning the World Championships, this is already your second time becoming World Champions. I saw your performance at Worlds and I was completely blown away - I believe no matter whether you were watching live in-person or watching at home on tv, you have the same feeling. Before the competition did you think you would be able to execute so well?

Sui: No, I didn’t dare think that. Before the competition, we had a lot of mishaps like when I’d fallen while practicing the twist, Cong completely missed catching me and I fell directly onto the ice. At the time, I had to rest 3-4 days just laying there, then slowly resumed training. But even right before I left I was unable to successfully complete all 13 elements which made me pretty anxious. In addition after the fall, I was doubting myself like, “Can I really do this? Can I even compete?” If we didn’t skate well then what do we do? But I felt like there were so many people helping us so I felt a bit guilty. But at the same time I was afraid that, 1) another injury or mishap might occur while competing, and 2) if we didn’t compete well, we would leave a negative impression on the judges and would affect our scores for next year.

Xu: So you didn’t really expect that you would perform so well. Then if you couldn’t even perform all the elements right before leaving, then what mysterious force do you think propelled you to skate so perfectly? Or what other skills?

Sui: Some kind of mystical force from the universe [laughs] kidding, kidding! Honestly just the accumulation of several years of training and learning how to control ourselves during competition. Once we get to the competition, we know what we need to do, how we need to skate because when we were younger, we didn’t have a good feeling on how to compete. In addition our coaches were always encouraging me, saying not to give up, we have to fight. Whatever happens, happens. It’s not like you don’t have a chance. Think about it: even though this is what your preparation looks like, no matter how you skate, at least you did your best and you’re happy.  But look at your competitors, they also have a tough battle - they probably think their competition’s condition isn’t that good, and because they see they have a big opportunity, they’re going to be more nervous. This is how everyone’s mindset shifts. But now you have no burdens, you may be injured and everyone knows you’re injured, so you just fight against yourself. However you skate, it is what it is. Our team leader Lu told us “you must show us your status as a top athlete. You don’t necessarily have to skate well, but you need to show your best self to the judges and the audiences and that you still deserve to stand at the top of the world.” That released a lot of our burdens, and allowed us to put forward our best effort in competition.

Xu: It seems that in all aspects you received so much support and coordination from your entire team, they were constantly encouraging you. Because you encountered so many hardships, it sounds like that was able to release your burdens as well. Once you take that pressure off yourself, you’re able to put your best face forward and perform for everyone.

Sui: Right, of course there’s still some nervousness, but comparatively significantly less. Also after seeing our competitors’ condition, I felt like once we got to the competition, I thought, “no, I have to fight. Why are you ahead of me when you usually don’t skate as well as us!” I really thought that! I thought, I have to do my best. I didn’t think, oh I need to surpass them, I just need to be my best self, and if I surpass myself then I’ll win. Also before the competition I had constant support from fans, medical staff, always working hard and helping me with detailed preparation, how to adjust my condition, etc. I’m so thankful to everyone. This medal is due to our entire team.

Xu: I believe that this year’s world championship will be one of your most treasured experiences. Usually after the season is done, the summer is when you choreograph new programs. This year do you have any plans of where you’ll go for choreography?

Sui: We already finished choreographing. Once we finished competing, the week after we got new choreography, and then two weeks later we went to Japan to perform.

Xu: I can imagine you must have a lot of Japanese fans.

Sui: Yes, the fans from Japan are quite adorable. (laugh)

Xu: (laughs) How long does it usually take you to learn and remember a set of new choreography?

Sui: It doesn’t take long to completely memorize the choreography, maybe about one week. But if you want to be able to perform the program in competition, then it’ll take at least 3 months, roughly.

Xu: Three months? This is because it takes that long to perfect and be comfortable?

Sui: Right, you need to be familiar with it. Also, pairs skating is hard because of the coordination needed between partners - the rhythm, timing, in addition to the connection to the music. These are pretty difficult. Like, if you think about ice dance, they do have a lot of elements that require the two partners’ coordination but they don’t need to prepare for hard elements like jumps or throws, so they don’t need to leave time to prepare for these types of elements. In pairs skating, each element takes a lot of time, so once you complete an element you have to continue to perform. So when we’re choreographing we have to be very aware of the timing between the skaters and the music. This aspect requires a significant amount of time to perfect.

Xu: When you are choreographing do you listen entirely to the choreographer or do you guys add your own ideas or movements?

Sui: When we were very young, maybe the first two years we left the country to do choreography with Lori [Nichol], we pretty much listened entirely to her; we did whatever she said. But these past few years, Lori is someone with really good eyes: she is able to recognize our good ideas and pull them out of us. So these last 2 years we’ve used a lot of our own movements. In our programs this year, around 70% of the choreography was from stuff that Han Cong and I thought up. She would be like, oh hey, this way is good. A lot of our friends would ask us, “then why don’t you just choreograph your programs yourselves?” I’d say, no we can’t, because Lori has really good eyes. She’s able to easily see the big picture construction of the program. It’s like building a house: you start from the ground up then seal the roof. But we can’t see that. Also, we can’t see what a certain movement will look like from now until 4-5 months later. Whenever I watch videos of our programs the past few years from the first week after we choreographed, my god, it’s terrifying! They were just so ugly! But one year later, it looks like the way that she envisioned, really good. But at the time we couldn’t see it at all. This is Lori’s greatest strength.

Xu: It seems just like how an actor, after acting for so long can also become a director. Once you’ve done enough choreography you can come up with your own ideas and opinions.

Skating fans like to call Sui Wenjing and Han Cong “Onion Bucket” (cong （葱）= onion, sounds like his name; tong（桶）= bucket, a joke from when she was young and had a “bucket”-like figure). Even though they’ve been partners for 10 years, there’s no actual chemistry between them. Wenjing on Weibo would call him “Second Dad.” How did these two build up such an intimate understanding between each other? Xu Lijia continues her conversation with Sui Wenjing.

Xu: Let’s continue to discuss your figure skating career. Do you remember the first time you partnered with Cong?

Sui: 2007. I remember this clearly because my mom helped me remember.

Xu: Before you previously mentioned because Cong didn’t have a partner anymore, so you got pulled over to try it out, right?

Sui: Right, right.

Xu: At the time, what was your first reaction?

Sui: I just thought why not try it? (laughs)  Right, at the time I thought, this guy looks so scary.

Xu: (laughs) You don’t think he looks cool? I think he’s very cool/handsome!

Sui: He does look cool, but when he’s being scary it doesn’t show.

Xu: Ahh. So you just didn’t like that he has a bad attitude.

Sui: Right! Well, it’s not that he “seems” to, he DOES have a bad attitude! (laugh)

Xu: (laugh) So it’s like this! Then as soon as you paired up did you have good chemistry or was it due to many years together practicing?  

Sui: Not at the start, because first I never learned pairs before, and second, when I was younger I just immediately started skating with him after establishing some fundamentals in skating and jumps. I was like a blank piece of paper. My individual abilities were quite strong, and I was the type of person who could basically withstand anything during practice, falling a few times, a few bruises here and there didn’t bother me. I was pretty coordinated, which probably had to do with taking dance and martial arts lessons before, I grasped it pretty quickly. After pairing for 4 months — no, more like 20 days after pairing up, we entered our first competition. [T/N: some stuff muffled here, they were interrupting each other] We barely made the qualification round at the National Games, I remember.

Xu: Wow, very impressive that you were able to compete so shortly after partnering up. When you were younger and had less strength, did you fall a lot learning lifts and throws?

Sui: Yeah, I fell a lot. It’s not that I didn’t have enough strength, just that I wasn’t used to the “feeling” of being in the air or “feeling” of pairs skating, because pairs is actually quite different from singles.  You have to rotate horizontally and vertically, you have to rotate so high in the air during throws, and low to the ice during spins. It’s important for pairs women have to get to the feeling of rotating in the air so many ways, it takes a while to get used to. But I felt like I got used to it pretty quickly, including throws - my teacher said “do a throw double” and I don’t know how, but I just closed my eyes and did a triple. (Xu: Ohh…) Yeah, and I landed it, but thought, wait, this doesn’t seem right, and fell to the ground.

Xu: You seem to have a lot of natural talent.

Sui: Yeah. Then my teacher said, tomorrow don’t do doubles, just go straight to triples. From then on I never did doubles.

Xu: Wow. You increased the difficulty so quickly. In your impression, what do you think was your worst fall?

Sui: Worst fall I think was probably this year’s [fall before worlds].

Xu: Ah, the one where you said when you fell it felt like you lost half a life?

Sui: Yeah, because this time was during a twist, your entire body is horizontal in the air.

Xu: Ah yes, it’s so high, falling from a height even higher than your body height.

Sui: Right, it’s like my body height plus an arms length, so that would be over 2 meters tall. I went down head first, and watching the video, my reaction was pretty quick and I used my hand to lift my head a bit, then I rolled over. Otherwise my organs, head, spine may have been impacted. My self-protection instinct was pretty good.

Xu: I think this another kind of innate talent, because I heard before from Li Zijun that pairs ladies need to be very tough.

Sui: Right, because during throw and solo jumps, your body is vertical, so if you fall its usually on your butt, knees, arms. It’s actually easier to protect yourself then. But when you’re completely horizontal, you’re already feeling confused while you’re flying in the air, you don’t know where to grab onto and falling straight onto the ice horizontally is pretty dangerous.

Xu: The fact that so shortly after a fall like that you were able to win the world championships is really so admirable. When you learn quad throws, from when you first start learning, how long does it take to have a high success rate? How long does that process take?

Sui: Quad throws? Actually internationally very few attempt quad throws, and right now we don’t do them often either. Once you get to a certain age, the burdens these elements take on your health increase compared to when you were younger. So now we don’t do them often. When I used to do them competitively a few years ago, I actually didn’t do them that often either, only when my condition was good I would do 4-5 of them. But at that time my success rate was higher than 50%, I was able to grasp them pretty quickly. But it depends on the athlete, some could do them for years and never accomplish it. Some will do it a few times and get used to the feeling, and be able to do them. It depends on the person’s feeling. I remember when I was young I did quad throws, and I did them for a pretty long time but I wasn’t able to complete them perfectly. But once I got older, before my surgery, I was able to do both quad throws and quad twists in a program. But these elements require a lot of physical strength and the process took 10 years, almost 20 years of training. This doesn’t necessarily mean you can complete them in a single program, and you have to train with high caution to be able to complete them. Because our height difference isn’t that big, I have to use more strength to make the throws as high or higher than others, and therefore the impact on my ankles, knees, spine, etc. is much greater than other female partners.

Xu: Like you just said, your partner Han Cong isn’t as tall as Zhang Hao or other international athletes who are so much bigger and stronger, his figure seems to be more similar to singles skaters? (Sui: Yes) Even though your height difference isn’t so remarkable, you’re still able to get such amazing results - how were you able to overcome this aside from what you said before, like gaining more physical strength. How did he overcome the deficit due to his physique?

Sui: He just did strength training and “practiced me”. (Laughs)

Xu: So he has a greater strength requirement due to his height and figure.  

Sui: Well usually if you’re big then you’ll have more strength, but at the same time, we have our own strengths that others can’t achieve. For example, when we do solo elements like jumps, we’re very in sync because our height and weight are roughly the same, the difference in appearance doesn’t look like much.

Xu: Ahh, just like our synchronized divers, you both are very similar [in shape].

Sui: Correct. Also, for side-by-side spins we look a lot more in sync because we have a similar [body] radius, so we spin similarly.

Xu: Once you explain it, it makes sense!

Sui: Right, and during skating, our legs have similar length so our lines and rhythm is the same too. Plus when we perform we look very coordinated. It’s not like some of the pairs with one tall and one short skater, it’s like, hey why don’t these two seem to have a very “couple” feeling? (laugh)

Xu: I heard that before the World Championships, you specifically lost 6 kg. If you gain even a little weight, does it impacts him a lot?

Sui: It does affect him. As for myself, it doesn’t really affect my ability to do solo elements individually, like I can do them one by one with no problem. But during program, all 13 elements, once I get to the 5th or 6th element, I don’t have energy after. I get very exhausted. In addition, once I lose weight of course it helps my partner but even more-so it helps myself complete the performance better.

Xu: So are you the type who doesn’t gain weight easily no matter what you eat or gains weight easily?

Sui: Well, now I’m over 20, even though I’m past puberty I’m still okay, I don’t gain weight that easily.

Xu: But do you find it painful when you have to lose weight?

Sui: I just eat vegetables. Once I eat vegetables for a few days I’ll lose the weight. But what I find most annoying, is really everyone, including fans, when they meet me are like, “Wow you’re so skinny! I never realized you were so skinny!” But when they watch me skate on TV are like, “Huh, I think you look pretty chubby.” I’m so tired. I really can’t help it! (T/N: i just want to note that she says this all with a very light hearted, humorous tone, not as offended as she comes off in the translation)

Xu: (laughs) But actually, the TV does actually seem to add weight, it pulls you horizontally.

Sui: Yes, but there’s another thing you might not have thought of. There may be pairs ladies that are larger and taller than me, but when they stand next to a super tall and big male partner, they seem much smaller.

Xu: Ahh, you’re right, so that’s Han Cong’s fault.

Sui: (laugh) No problem, no problem at all! But one of his best features is that he’s got a really small face. I also really have a small face, it’s like a melon seed - when you see me in person you’ll notice my face is super small. But Cong has SUCH a tiny face, it’s like a small knife! Ah, it pisses me off!  I have such a small face but I have to stand in front of him, so my face seems so much larger and rounder. It’s so unbearable!

Xu: Sui is giving our audience some weight loss tips, just eat vegetables a few days and you’ll get skinnier, right!

Sui: Well, because I usually do a lot of training, aerobics, anaerobic exercise - figure skating is a very physically demanding sport so once you cut calories you’ll naturally lose weight. And drink lots of water!

Xu: When you’re learning pairs skating, are there times you and Han Cong have difference of opinions? Do you guys fight often?

Sui: We fight all the time, it happens often. In pairs skating, or any team sport, these kinds of problems arise all the time. After many years, we’ve learned how to compromise.

Xu: How do you guys make it work and stick together?

Sui: Before when we really couldn’t agree or come up with a solution, we would immediately find our coach, I think like this, he thinks like that, what do we do? And we would just go with whatever the coach said was better. Now we compromise or if our ideas are completely opposite, we do rock paper scissors and let god decide.

Xu: Wow, so you use this kind of method? (laughs)

Sui: Yeah and now we’re much more rational during training and we don’t try to assert dominance over one another.  We have to work to maintain each other’s conditions.

Xu: You two seem to have different conditions on and off the ice. Are your personalities similar or different?

Sui: We are two completely different people.

Xu: (laugh) I see that you really like to hassle him (T/N: dragging is probably a better term encapsulation of her sentiment though, kind of like jokingly criticize? it just sounded weird to put it in translation LOL), while I feel like he tries to appear serious.

Sui: No, I just really like hassling/dragging people! Nothing I can do about it, I’m just so used to it, I do it with everyone I talk to. I’m even like this about myself, very self-deprecating.

Xu: You must have lots of fun in your life. When you’re training with the team, do you usually eat with him [in the dorm cafeterias]?

Sui: We usually do eat together. I guess the good thing is that the two of us “look good” together? (laugh) [T/N: she uses the term “赏心悦目” which literally means pleasing to the eyes and heart…so she’s basically say they’re well matched HAHA]

Xu: When you don’t discuss figure skating or training, what other topics do you talk about? Are there any conversation topics you have in common?

Sui: He would tell me about books he recently read, movies he watched, any movies he’d like to see. I usually tell him, man I have things to do…(Xu: laughs) I really do have things to do! I usually have class on Sundays, I don’t really like wasting my free time. But usually most of my free time I’m doing nothing, playing around on my phone, but occasionally I’ll read a book, etc.

Xu: I see. Let’s discuss your coach Zhao Hongbo. Would you consider him a more easy-going or strict/serious coach?

Sui: I would say both. When we encounter hardships, he becomes a lot more easy-going but when we have problems during training then he becomes more strict. Everyone has different sides to them, and he will often try to help us from many angles.

Xu: What has he passed on to you that has helped you the most?

Sui: Because I’m a very fast-paced person, as you can probably tell-

Xu: You’re pretty self-aware!

Sui: Yes yes! And often during competitions, I may get really stressed and unable to control myself.  

Xu: So he helps calm you down.

Sui: He would say, don’t rush, take it step by step, like this past competition. He said just do what you need to do, however you skate we’ll be happy. But sometimes when we’re training and not so rushed, he would tell us, “you see what your competitors are like?” to apply a bit of pressure on us.

Xu: I feel like no matter what situation you’re in, he never seems to get too stressed, he seems very calm. You need a coach like this to keep you level-headed, especially when you’re frazzled, lost, nervous, or when you encounter difficulties. As Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo are Olympic champions, do you see any points of similarity and difference between you and them?

Sui: Hmm…points of similarity and difference…for differences, the two of us started competing internationally and earned medals much earlier. In addition, the two of us grasped a lot more performance styles.

Xu: So you two perform with more music genre and dance genre.

Sui: Right. We have a lot more variety because a lot of athletes can’t develop a lot of versatility in performance styles.

Xu:  Right now, Shen Xue is the [Chinese skating federation] president, she probably isn’t like Hongbo meeting you in the training center daily. So under what circumstances do you meet up with her, and what do you discuss?

Sui: Sometimes when my condition isn’t so good and I’m in a bad mood, when I’m stressed to a certain limit, she’ll talk with me, give me some small encouragement, step by step work through some problems during training. She would also tell me, “there’s a lot of new kids on the team, you’re all role models, when you have some time help me manage them.” Right now kids are adorable, but then when they’re teenagers/adolescents, then…you know.

Xu: They can be very rebellious.

Sui: They’re okay. Every age there’s something going on.

Xu: President Shen acts as an authority figure, does she give you any advice or guidance with anything?

Sui: Yes, for example during competitions she might give her ideas on hair style, or help with treating my competition tights because sometimes the color isn’t great, so it doesn’t look as bright so she tells me how to treat them so they look a bit better.

Xu: Ah she has many small tips. Finally, a lot of fans may want to know if you have any hobbies/interests?

Sui: Right now I like to read books and do calligraphy. But recently I’ve been pretty busy, I haven’t really been attending my calligraphy class.

Xu: Calligraphy? How did you start? Is it because it helps you calm down or did you like it since you were young?

Sui: Since I was young, I was the kind that wanted to learn everything. I told my mom, I want to learn to sing, dance, draw, play piano, I want to learn everything. My mom said, “who has time for all of that?!” But I still learned a lot of things, I ended up learning dance and martial arts, and of course skating. But outside of school I learned a lot. And english, I learned as well.

Xu: Speaking of english, I saw that you were using Ted talks for english lessons online. How’s that going?

Sui: Eh I don’t think it’s going that great. Sometimes I’ll just try to complete the lesson no matter how sloppily I do. But every day I try to do a few questions and look at them, it’s better than nothing. For english you have to speak and read it often.

Xu: Right, when I see you doing interviews you do speak quite well!

Sui: Well, for those once you do a lot of them you’re used to it.

Xu: That’s true. Last year when I saw you both at the Winter Olympics, I thought wow, seeing so many more Chinese athletes doing interviews in english, I was so happy.

Sui: I actually really like learning things, and I wanted to learn some instruments too. Before I even learned violin but my neck isn’t good for it. (laughs)

Xu: I get the feeling that you’re an extremely versatile person.

Sui: More like I can’t focus on one thing/get distracted easily. (laughs) I can’t ever persist with anything.

Xu: But I feel you already so dedicated to figure skating, you don’t really need any other hobbies, they just make your life more fulfilling (“colorful”). Finally, I want to give you the opportunity to give your loving fans some words/comments.

Sui: Firstly, I really want to thank these numerous fans for their support. I think that they’re all very dear to me, because they don’t have any personal or blood relations, they probably just saw us on TV or in competition one time and grew to love us and support us. Some even travel to follow us across the world. Some of them give us little gifts or throw plushies at every competition. It’s really touching and heart warming. In addition, the cheers and applause we receive at the end of competitions, I believe as an athlete that’s been able to make it this far, I’m so proud and happy. Thank you so much to our friends that are like family to us quietly supporting me and Han Cong. We will continue to work hard to show you our best selves. Thank you everyone.

Xu: Just like you just said, we hope you can maintain your health and have less injuries and fewer dangerous situations, hopefully in future competitions you can continue to surpass yourselves. We also look forward to more surprises from the “onion bucket” team. Thank you, Sui Wenjing!

Sui: Okay thank you thank you thank you!