#the app gives me a headache but i still need it lmao

[gasolinerainbowpuddles]

𝕂𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕥𝕠𝕓𝕖𝕣 🎃💦 ∘₊✧ 𝔻𝕒𝕪 𝟚𝟜 ✧₊

|| ︶꒦꒷𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕥𝕠𝕓𝕖𝕣 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥꒷꒦︶ | main masterlist ||

@absurdthirst's Kinktober 2023 Prompts (yeah I'm still working on these whatever lmao)

day 24: Bratty Sub, Anal/Oral Training, Caging

𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐌𝐞 𝐎𝐮𝐭

| PAIRING(s): BrattySub!Dieter x SoftDom!FemReader | RATING: explicit material | 18+ | WORD COUNT: 2.4k | CONTENT: pathetic men who want to come, Dieter being a menace, mental health, established relationship, leash and collar, brief foot fetish stuff, exhibitionism/humiliation, soft degradation, cum play | SYNOPSIS: Dieter breaks a rule, and you have to get creative.

“DIETER! BRAVO! I swear to god!” you yell from the bottom of the stairs as you make your ascent. 

You can hear him scrambling around the bedroom as if you don’t already know exactly what he’s been up to. You shove the door open and find him pretending to meditate on a hastily rolled out yoga mat, the very same one that has been leaning against the dresser for four months now.

“Oh, don’t even start with this bullshit.”

He peeks an eye open to look at you and squeezes it shut again quickly. He makes some fake mantra humming sounds that would’ve made you laugh had this situation been any different.

“I don’t know how you managed to get into your accounts, but I do know that you have been making an absolute idiot of yourself online all morning.”

He wiggles nervously at the accusation but doesn’t deny it. You both knew the damage was done at this point. It pissed you off even more to know that he probably didn’t regret it, not even a little.

“Dee,” you sigh, exasperated that this conversation even needs to happen. “We had an agreement. You know how bad your mental health gets when you go on all these apps and start reading what people say. And then you go and start responding to people, saying all kinds of batshit stuff?”

Not all of his retorts to the negative commenters across several different social media platforms were batshit, but the most recent ones definitely showed a growing pattern of unhinged annoyance and bruised ego.

“You were the one who suggested giving me control of the passwords in the first place because you couldn’t trust yourself,” you remind him.

“And doesn’t it sound like I was right to not trust myself?” he chimes in with a barely contained grin.

Oh, of course he thinks injecting a little humor into the situation is going to fix things. Underneath the quips and the giggles was the sore and raw self-conscious person who was terrified of being hated and criticized – or, worst of all, forgotten. Knowing his insecurities sometimes made it easier to remind yourself that he wasn’t necessarily trying to be so much of a headache, but it didn’t always help enough to keep your irritation in check.

“Give me your phone and get undressed,” you snip. When he looks up at you, all confused with those big brown cow eyes of his, but doesn’t comply, you grip his hair firmly and pull him toward you. “NOW, DIETER. DON’T MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF.”

You disregard the half whimper, half moan he lets out at the manhandling and snatch his phone from him as he hands it to you. You dutifully ignore the overexaggerated rustling of him removing his clothes and instead go through his phone to delete each and every social media app. You look up when you hear the bedframe creak. Ass perched up in the air, head lazily dropped against his folded hands on the mattress.

“I know I’m not supposed to negotiate how many I’m getting, but I–”

“Oh, you’re not getting spankings for this, Dieter,” you exhale sharply in a humorless laugh.

He lifts his head a little in surprise. “What do you mean I’m not—”

“I didn’t say you weren’t getting punished,” you interrupt. 

His face falls slightly at this news. You hold back a laugh at his expression as he works through the fact that he won’t be getting spanked like usual when he needs guidance. It wasn’t lost on you that he’d start to see it more as a “funishment” anyway.

“So I— I don’t get to get spanked?” he pouts, sounding genuinely disappointed.

“Well it clearly isn’t a deterrent for you anymore. Maybe if you’re good for me I’ll consider adding it as a reward.”

His face brightens a bit at this, and you really have to bite back a smile now. He was so infuriatingly charming sometimes that it wasn’t any wonder he’d never had a partner that was able to keep him in check. He has his moments – like today – where he slips up and needs someone to hold him accountable, and you were more than happy to be that for him.

“Now stay put and don’t get yourself into any more trouble than you’re already in,” you caution, striding from the room without a look back.

It takes you a few minutes rummaging through old bins of entirely unused, unsorted things Dieter had bought over the years to find what you’re after. You’d gotten his Miscellaneous Museum down to just a few bins now that his stress spending was better managed.

“There you are,” you mutter to yourself as you pull the ostentatious luxury fashion brand dog leash and matching collar out of the bin. It was as gaudy as it was expensive, and you roll your eyes at the memory when he’d impulse bought it and tried to justify it to you.

“Baby, do you honestly think you can just get a leash for an ocelot at some random store?!” he’d huffed. “You have to get this kinda stuff specialty, baby.”

“You are NOT getting an ocelot, Dieter!” you’d chided. “I don’t even think they’re legal to own! Which, somehow, is further down the list of worries when it comes to owning a fucking MURDER CAT.”

He’d pouted and stormed off, leash trailing on the floor as he dragged it along and away to stew in his defeat.

It glistens in your hand now, hardware probably made with enough real gold you could melt it down and sell it for a good chunk of change. It was a wonder Dieter wasn’t homeless and penniless when you’d met. You smile to yourself thinking of how he’ll probably point out later on that this ended up being a useful purchase after all.

You make your way back to the bedroom and are pleased to find that Dieter hasn’t moved.

“Well at least we’re off to a better start than I anticipated,” you note as you run a hand down his angled spine.

He shudders under your touch, eyes drifting closed peacefully for a split second. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have done it.”

You take a deep breath and acknowledge his admission. “I know, Dee. But you also know that admitting it is only half of the equation here.”

He nods in understanding and follows your direction to sit up on his knees. You fasten the collar around his neck and direct him to the floor. When he puts a foot down onto the carpet to stand, you correct him to stay on all fours. He’s patient for once as you attach the leash, not badgering you with what you’d be doing or what his punishment was going to be.

“Now, the best remedy for a social media cleanse is a nice walk outside, don’t you think?” you coo, mocking and pointed as you wait for him to understand what you’re insinuating.

“You– What? I can’t go outside like this!” he protests.

“Oh, you can and you will,” you retort.

He balks and stammers as you start jerking the leash and collar towards the hallway and down the stairs. You make him crawl down first so you can watch the globes of his ass flex and push, pink rim in between twitching at the cold air. Maybe once you’re done with his punishment he’ll still have enough energy to take the strap.

You’re closing in on the large sliding patio doors, and Dieter begins bartering again. “But-But what if somebody sees me? It’ll be plastered all over the place! Maybe I can just.. I’ll stay in the collar and leash all day, okay? I’ll keep it on for the entire day inside. I promise!”

“And you’ll have no idea if somebody does see you like this outside because you won’t be going online looking for it,” you snip pointedly. “Besides, since you’re so determined to publicly embarrass yourself, you might as well get some fresh air while you’re doing it.”

His cheeks burn in shame and anticipation. “I swear I won’t ever—”

“You already have, and this is the consequence. Now let’s go.”

His head dips down, but he starts crawling on hands and knees towards the door, waits for you to open it, and gingerly makes his way across the hard tiles that make up the patio. He tilts his head up just enough to glance around at the privacy hedges, no doubt searching for any openings where passing eyes could see him in this predicament.

You guide him to the middle of the yard and instruct him to sit back on his haunches and look up at you.

“Isn’t this nice, being outdoors for a change?”

He grimaces and fidgets. “Baby, please–”

“How does it make you feel, Dee? Being out here like this for anybody to see?”

He huffs and looks down, but you won’t have it. You grip his jaw and direct his attention back to you.

“When I ask you a question, you answer me.”

“I-I feel… open. Too open. And-And nervous,” he mumbles.

“Do you remember our special word?”

“Not that kind of nervous,” he huffs. “Just… I don’t… somebody could be taking a picture of me right now, and it’d be on the trending—”

“And that’s none of your fucking business,” you interject. “Being so concerned about that is what got you in this situation to begin with, so I suggest you start letting go of all that before I get annoyed all over again.”

He groans and gripes to himself but doesn’t argue. “So how long am I s’posed to stay out here like this?” His cheeks heat at the renewed awareness that he’s completely nude in his backyard, being led around on a lead like some misbehaved animal that can’t be trusted to be left to its own devices.

“Until I say we’re done,” you say flatly.

He grumbles under his breath and hangs his head. He goes suspiciously still, and you follow his line of sight to your bare feet. You wiggle your toes just to confirm your hunch and are awarded a gravelly, hitched breath from Dieter.

“Find something to take your mind off things?” you needle.

“You’re wearing the toerings I got you,” he hums, voice shifting into something low and excited.

“Yes, and I was going to let you take them off with your mouth, but instead we’re having to do this.”

He gasps, head shooting up to look at you again with a frenzied expression. “Oh, please let me! PLEASE?”

His flaccid until now cock springs to attention at the mere mention of your feet and his mouth. It had become a fixation of his after a particularly erotic shroom trip, but you didn’t mind it too much. After all, it was just another tool in your arsenal to keep Dieter’s focus and energy where it needed to go. 

“What happened to being scared somebody was going to see you outside like this?” you drawl with a lazy grin.

“It’s probably fine,” he reasons, now rapidly talking himself out of being shy. 

“You know what I think, Dee?” you ask in a throaty rasp. You lightly rub the top of your foot against the bottom of his sac and delight in the way he gasps and twitches. “I think you’d like it if somebody took a photo of that.”

You push harder, the warmed metal of your jewelry pressing into his sensitive skin, and Dieter moans openly now into the expanse of the sunlit yard. 

“Or even a video. Bet you’d love to have that to watch the next time you’re jerking off.”

He whines and buries his nose against your legs. You take pity on him and scratch his scalp in soothing strokes. His reprieve isn’t long, though, when you bend down low enough that your lips are next to his temple.

“Bet they’d be watching, too, and see what pathetic little slut you are for me,” you rasp in his ear.

He whines and shuts his eyes tight, hips grinding against nothing.

“Maybe once you’ve been humiliated in front of the entire world, you won’t care anymore about what anonymous losers have to say about you online.”

He gasps and grips his hands into thighs, knees digging into the grassy earth beneath him. You smile almost cruelly at the way your words have him clinging desperately to the tiny shreds of dignity left right now.

“But you don’t care about any of that right now, do you?” 

You stand upright again and pull the leash taut enough the collar digs into the side of his neck.

 “You just care about being good for me so you can come all over my feet like the desperate little boy slut you are.”

Dieter’s eyes glaze over completely, and one more nudge of your foot against his sac is all it takes before he’s erupting all over your foot and the grass. He grabs onto the back of your calves for leverage as he spurts thick, white ropes again and again. All sounds of pleasure bottleneck in his throat to a breathy, strangled moan. 

He slumps shoulders first towards the ground and whines as he licks up his own spend from your feet. You let him go at it for a few moments before pulling him up for a kiss, the tang of his spend flooding your tongue. He sighs into your mouth and deepens the kiss until his energy dips again. You help him to his feet and walk him back inside to the couch where he plops down haphazardly.

You caress the red indentations on the side of his neck as you remove the collar and leash. You start to fuss over whether or not to get him some ice when he shushes you and pulls you down on top of him. You run a leisurely hand through his hair, gentle pets and rubs as he settles closer into you.

“You okay? Your neck is a little red.”

“Mmmmmm, I’m doin’ really good, baby,” he murmurs. “Love you so much.”

“Love you, too, Dee.”

He sighs contentedly and tucks himself into your side. “Didn’t even think I still had that thing.”

“Hm? What thing?”

“That cat collar and leash.”

You chuckle into his mussed locks. “You find some real gems in the Miscellaneous Museum every now and then.”

He joins your soft laughter and then stills.

“Dee? What’re you thinking about now?” you ask when you note the change in demeanor.

“So are you still a hard 'NO' on getting that ocelot, or …..?”

You groan a laugh and sling an arm over your eyes. You can’t deny it might be a good distraction to keep him away from his phone. He giggles and cuddles closer, knowing he’s finally wearing you down, just like he always does.

[fereldanwench]

WIP Whenever (Actually on a Wednesday!)

@chevvy-yates had tagged me in a WIP Whenever thingy last week (I think? What is time) and @breezypunk sharing their WIPs reminded me I meant to do this. So, stuff I'm working on!

Over my Christmas break, I just started barely scratching the surface of working on my own custom poses. Because I'm me, I desperately need some battle couple poses--Fighting side-by-side, holding the other one while they're wounded, maybe fighting each other, etc. I compiled a Pinterest inspo board here to get an idea of what I'm going for.

This pose isn't anywhere close to being finished, but it's a start:

A small confession: while I actually like working in Blender quite a bit, I kind of hate everything else about modding, lmao. I've probably said it before, but my day job requires me to use so many shitty apps and software that always require 37 workarounds just to perform normally--I really don't have a lot of patience for troubleshooting shit during my leisure hours. Hopefully, the project won't become too much of a headache when I get into importing and working with props. 🤞

Virtual photography is always a constant for me these days--I was actually thinking yesterday how it feels like the absolute perfect creative medium for me. I like drawing and writing and 'real' photography, and I very much need to make sure I have more analog and tactile creative projects to keep me sane, but VP just hits in a way nothing else really has.

I am still working on the photostory I shared last time, but I don't want to give away too much there. It's also on a bit of a pause while I figure out some tech issues (read: I regret updating my game, lmao). However, I already have a ton of shots/mini-stories I need to queue up:

Other than that, it's kind of personal reflection shit and contemplating goals/resolutions for 2024. Getting long-winded and a little blunt under the cut:

I've always really struggled with making goals--I don't think I've ever had a situation in which I explicitly stated "I have a goal of XYZ" and then I achieved XYZ. I've had plenty of nebulous "Hey, I think I'd like to do XYZ" thoughts and then lo and behold, I do actually make XYZ a reality, but as soon as the word "goal" is attached to something, I just check tf out.

It was actually something I was trying to talk to my therapist about last summer, and then we kind of hit a dead end on that specific topic and decided I had other problems that were more pressing to deal with, lmao. But all the best goal advice in the world--following the SMART method, sharing it with someone for extra accountability, etc.--Just does not work with my brain.

(The accountability thing in particular always hugely backfires for me because just telling someone I want to do a thing tricks my brain into thinking I did that thing and now I don't need to anymore. Also, I don't like people telling me what to do, so if someone was like "hey, shouldn't you do this thing so you can meet your goal" I will say no just on principle of being a brat, lmao. I really hate that piece of advice.)

I know some of it, probably a lot of it, is fear of failure if I don't meet the goal. I'm very hard on myself--That's a no-brainer.

But I also think some of it, maybe just as much, is fear of success. Which I used to think was the stupidest fucking thing anyone could say about this shit, but success can mean big change. Success can mean increased feelings of imposter syndrome. Success can mean attention and responsibility I don't want. Success can mean bigger consequences if I do fuck up later.

I've come to realize that success is honestly as equally scary to me as failing.

I think this is a big reason I've always been content (or convinced myself to be content) with being good and not great, even if that means I'm not reaching my ~*full potential*~. (There are other external/macro reasons for that too, like my loathing of people trying to push me to monetize my passions, but I don't feel like getting into systemic gripes, lmao.)

Goals that require me to step outside of my usual routine also give me a lot of anxiety, which is something I've working towards managing (you could say that it's a goal of mine to get that under control dfgjhfjgdf), but that's still a very real hurdle for me.

Like I've been trying to go back to a minimum of 20 minutes of dedicated exercise (versus just walking a lot) a 3 times a week, and I get stressed if I miss it, or even just feel like I'm going to miss it (like if 7 PM starts creeping up and I haven't started it yet), but I also get all bent out shape spending 20 minutes on exercising while I'm doing it as if there's a better use of that time and THERE'S NOT. Like, what am I really missing? 20 minutes of scrolling Tumblr? Shut the fuck up, lmao.

All this to say that I don't really feel like I'm ready to set goals in a traditional sense, and that might not be something that ever works for me, but there are things I think would just be... kinda nice for me to do for myself that I want to do this year:

I need to actually be nicer to myself. As a matter of fact, @ren3gade--I hope you don't mind the tag, but I've been meaning to thank you for the "forgive yourself" advice you shared a couple of months back. I started making it a point to use that in my self-talk when I start spiraling, and it has been one of the best means of mitigating certain aspects of my social anxiety. I felt goofy as hell when I first started doing it, but that shit works. Positive self-talk makes you feel better, wow, who knew certainly not me

In a similar spirit, I want to stop being so judgemental about my limitations, and I need to mitigate feelings of guilt when I set boundaries for my mental health and energy. This is something I want to achieve in all areas of my life, but I think the easiest place for me to start flexing these muscles is with fandom. Because, damn, I let myself get into some really bad habits with the CP77 fandom (and I forgive myself for that 🙌). One of the big ones has been putting pressure on myself to keep up with what all my CP77 mutuals are doing at all times, and I'm not doing that to myself anymore. I've spent so much time in the past two years methodically going through tags and blogs to catch up on stuff I missed, and I'm just... relieving myself of this obligation. I know a lot of folks have tried to mitigate that for themselves by encouraging everyone to use their username-tracked tag--I'm not doing that. I'm not giving y'all more tagging work, and I'm not going to give myself the same obligation just in a different way. If I miss a post, I miss a post. Of course y'all are always more than welcome to @ me or send me things you think I'd enjoy (I love that, actually!!), but I'm just one person--I'm incapable of being an omnipresent fandom cheerleader and I don't know why I was pushing myself to be that. Well, that's not entirely true--I have some idea of why, but that's also a mentality I'm leaving in the dust. 😘 Also, for a long time, I did not use the like button for anything other than personal posts purely out of spite because I got tired of people complaining when they'd get likes but not reblogs--My asshole mentality was "Fine, now you get nothing." And that worked for me for several years and several fandoms, but I'm frankly tired of the "like" slander on Tumblr. It's a valid form of interaction and letting someone know you liked their stuff. I don't say this with malice, but other people's mentality of being unhappy with likes instead of reblogs is not my burden to bear. Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a rant about fandom stuff, lmao, but the point is I need more boundaries in my life, and I'm starting here.

I'm happier when I spend more time than I have been on traditional art and creative things that get me off my PC. Like I said above, I love VP so much, but it does unfortunately tether me to my computer desk longer than is probably good for me in the long run, mentally and physically. I stocked up on some new traditional art supplies, and I need to put those to use now that I'm settled into my new place. (And I've been itching to do a charcoal portrait of my bb girl.)

Reading books (gotta be physical, no screens) also makes me feel better. I've got about 7 books on my nightstand that I could totally finish this year--Doing that might be the one stereotypical goal I make for myself.

I want to reevaluate how I "multitask;" in particular, I want to break the habit of always having to have a background show/movie on OR always feeling the need to do something on my computer/phone while I watch a show/movie. Even as a kid (way before I lost my attention span to my smartphone lmao), I've always been inclined to doing something else while I watch shows and movies, but that used to be limited to drawing or painting my nails, which I think is fine. Now I just always feel like I need a screen nearby to do something else, even if there's really not something else worth doing. And listening to music or podcasts while I work on a thing is also fine, but it's gotten to the point where I almost can't have complete silence, and I don't like that. I miss being comfortable with silence while I pour all of my focus into a project. I just need to find some equilibrium here.

I know this isn't exactly a standard WIP Whenever, but me is what I'm working on, and I think it's all essential stuff to nurturing my creativity. 😊

[rxgueone]

TIME

Word count: 5,107

Summary: Austin’s a single father of his six year old daughter with a butler. He decides to hire a nanny to help around the house with his butler. The new nanny, who is a young college student, begins to make moves on Austin. Until things go south between the two.

Warnings: fluff, awkward dad Austin, single father, Austin is a widow, angst (?), loyal Austin, (mf is a loyal husband), manifestation

Tags: none.

Note: I guess this is… a continuation of INTERVIEW because why the hell not lmao. I loved writing that story so why not. Idfk what’s up with Tumblr but this app has been deleting fuckin paragraphs. So if things are missing. I apologize.

MASTERLIST — SERIES

—

Austin leaned back against the chair, looking at his computer. His hands were resting on the table, with his legs spread apart as he sat. He wore a black tank top with denim jeans, buckled with a brown leather belt, finished with white socks. Behind him was his six year old daughter, Leia.

She was holding a toy in her hand. It was her blue 1969 Mustang Mach One replica, something Austin had bought for her as a birthday gift. It was her favorite toy due to it being Austin’s favorite car. Not to mention, it looked just like his car.

Fredrick, his butler. Had been watching Leia quietly, making sure she was being safe. Austin could hear his little girl talking to her dog. “Serpent Serpent Serpent.” She repeated the dogs name. Austin looked back at the duo, seeing the Doberman having his head on her lap. Leia was leaning over Serpent’s head, her arms wrapped around his head, hugging him. She quickly kissed his head, and the dog’s little tail was wagging.

Austin looked back at his computer, his gray eyes focused on the screen. Fredrick had walked past Leia and Serpent, standing behind Austin. “Honestly Butler, I don’t know why you’re looking for a nanny when you have me.” Fredrick mumbled, a twinge of annoyance in his tone. He felt as if he was getting replaced.

“Yeah but it can’t just be you taking care of this whole mansion. I’m sure you need help. Plus,” Austin looked back at Fredrick, “Leia needs a female figure in her life. All she has is…” he trailed off, looking at Serpent, himself, then Fredrick, “guys.”

“Still.” Fredrick looked at the screen. “Oh, for Gods Sakes Austin.” He rubbed the back of his head.

“Daddy’s right.” Leia commented, causing Fredrick to look back at her. “Freddie needs a friend!” She got up to walk over to Austin. Trying her best to climb onto his lap. He had leaned down to pick her up, placing her down on his lap, and she scooted back until her back pressed against his chest.

“See?” Austin grinned arrogantly at Fredrick. “Leia agrees. She wants a nanny.”

Fredrick groaned from annoyance, rubbing his temples as if he was getting a headache. Letting out a sigh, he looked through the window of Austin’s office. May as well give in. He’s too stubborn for his own good. “I bet the young neighbor across the street could be her nanny.” He gave into the idea. “I’m sure you’d pay her handsomely.” He added.

Austin said nothing but look through the window. He felt his daughter fiddling with his fingers, holding his golden band on his left hand, making it twist around his ring finger. Austin blinked his eyes, then got off the chair, holding his daughter in his arms.

She wrapped one arm around his neck, looking forward as he walked towards the window. Fredrick had followed closely behind, Serpent following them as well. Austin stared through the window, cocking up a brow. “What do you think, sweetheart?” He asked Leia. “You think the neighbor will be a good nanny?”

“Mhm mhm.” She nodded eagerly, looking at Austin with her brown eyes. She wrapped her arms around Austin’s neck fully, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Alright sweetie.” He gave a nod. Looking over at Fredrick. “How old is she anyways?” He asked.

“She looks to be in college, sir.”

Austin kept a brow quirked up. Questioning if this was a good idea. A nanny in college only meant trouble for him. But if it was what Leia wanted, then so be it.

Later that day, Leia had taken her nap. Fredrick watching over her, and Serpent had laid beside her bed like usual. His eyes remained open, watching after the little girl.

Austin walked over to Fredrick who stood by Leia’s bedroom. He fiddled with his golden band, standing in front of Austin. He was gonna go to his neighbor, requesting if she could watch after his daughter and the house when he was off doing whatever his job needed him to do. “You’re gonna ask her in that?” Fredrick looked Austin up and down.

He wore a tank top, a tight one that seemed to hug his abdomen perfectly. Austin was a gym bro sure, but the guy was jacked. His abdomen was flexed naturally. Due to his tank top, Fredrick could see every muscle of his. Not to mention, he wore black slacks, and a black belt.

Austin quirked a brow up. “I always wear this.” He said in a confused tone. He found tank tops to be comfortable. At times he’d just wear them with a blazer over it to look nice.

Fredrick and him walked down the stairs of the mansion to the first floor. Fredrick guided Austin to the front door. “Y’know,” Austin started, “you’re my butler. You’re gonna start coming to shoots with me, since she’ll have a nanny now.” Austin grabbed the doorknob of the front door, a smirk plastered on his face.

“Do you even know what you’re gonna say?” Fredrick asked, his hands remaining at his sides.

“Sure. Just gonna ask if she has a job and if not. She could work for me. I’ll pay her, cash up front.” He shrugged it off as he stepped out the house.

Fredrick groaned, rolling his eyes at Austin. Watching his boss walk past the driveway then to the side walk. Austin looked both ways before crossing the street to his neighbors house. Fredrick watched quietly. “That boy is… ugh, he gives me such a headache.” Closing the door, he had walked back towards Leia’s room.

Hearing three knocks on the door. “I’ll get it!” The girl inside called to her parents, running up to the door. She quickly pulled it open, seeing a tall blonde in front of her. He had his hands in his pockets, his eyes looking her up and down.

She instantly recognized him. Austin Butler. Holy fuck it’s Austin Butler. “Hello.” He greeted her. She blinked, still trying to process it. She had known that he was her neighbor across the street, but she never thought he’d come to her house.

“H- hi.” She stammered, her face flushing from embarrassment due to her stammering.

“Honey, who is it?”

Austin kept still, tilting his head to peek into the house. “Oh it’s- it’s Mr. Butler! Our neighbor!” The girl answered. Austin blinked, wiping his nose then putting his hands back in his pockets. He could see an older woman and man walking towards the entrance.

Fred didn’t tell me she lived with her parents. Austin thought to himself, slightly annoyed. Maybe he didn’t know. He commented in his head. The idea had soothed the annoyance that had pricked up.

“Oh, Mr. Butler!” The older woman smiled. “You were in Masters of the Air right? My husband loves World War Two. And your show was so accurate, he really did love it.” Reaching her hand out to shake Austin’s. He took the offer and dipped his head to kiss the back of the older woman’s palm, pulling away from her.

“Yes, I did.” The husband nodded, slightly surprised from Austin’s actions. “You were great in that.” They smiled.

Austin dipped his head gratefully. “Thank you.” He started. “You three are?”

“Oh!” The woman exclaimed. “Excuse us. I’m Barbara, this is my husband Jim, and our daughter Maddie.” She pointed to all of them.

“Pleasure to meet all three of you.” Austin smiled, slipping his hands into his pockets. Maddie had been staring at Austin, seeming entranced.

“Do you need something, son?” Jim asked, curious as to why a famous actor such as Austin would even bother with them. Austin had rarely came out of the house on his own, only when he had to work. The only times when they’d spot the actor was when he was in his car with his daughter and butler.

“Oh, yeah,” Austin chuckled lowly, “see I have a little girl. And I need a nanny. I was just wonderin’ if your daughter had a job, and if not, she could come work for me. Y’know, watch after my little girl.” He had an enthusiastic tone. With a charming smile across his face.

“Oh,” Barbara blinked, surprised by the offer, as she looked back at Maddie, “well Maddie?”

An offer to work for Austin Butler? No shit I’ll take it. Without any hesitation she nodded. “When do I start?” She asked him, accepting the offer.

Austin kept his smile, but leaned forward, his hands still in his pockets. “Whenever you want.”

“Can I start today?”

“Sure.” He nodded, and she squealed from excitement. “Just y’know, get a change of clothes. I’ll be out here when you’re ready.”

“Okay, awesome! Thank you.” She turned around, running up the stairs.

Barbara and Jim had looked at their daughter. Then back at Austin. “By the way Mr. Butler,” Barbara said, catching his attention. “I’m sorry for what happened to your wife.” She sympathized. “How old was your little one?”

“She was two when Rose passed away.” Austin answered. “But, it’s alright. We see her just about every day still.” He smiled weakly, his own heart sank a bit when the death of his beautiful wife was mentioned. Barbara gave a nod, frowning in sympathy.

Maddie had walked down the stairs, wearing a thin t-shirt with some denim shorts. Austin looked at her, then at the couple. “I believe your daughter is ready.” He commented with a smile. “Well, I’ll cya Barbara and Jim.” He dipped his head in goodbyes, turning his back on them. He didn’t want to look at Maddie, she was wearing thin clothes, so thin he could see her breasts, and he thought about how much trouble he’d be in.

Maddie had bid her goodbyes. Her parents kissing her forehead, encouraging her. Austin stood at the sidewalk, hands by his side, waiting for Maddie to arrive. She walked over to him, looking at his broad shoulders. She had noticed that he had the physique of a swimmer, broad shoulders but a small waist.

“I’m ready, Mr. Butler.” She said, walking up to his side. She looked closely at his face. He had an unshaven stubble, wearing a chain necklace with the letter ‘R’ on it. She looked at his hand, seeing his wedding ring. There’s no way he loves a dead woman.

“Aight lets go.” He said once the street was clear. They walked side by side, she looked down at his shoes. Seeing cowboy boots, his shoe size looked abnormally big.

Opening the front door of his house, he walked in. Seeing Leia, Serpent, and Fredrick standing by the door. They had been waiting for him. “Daddy!” Leia squealed, running up to him. He leaned down, scooping her up into his arms. “Where have you been?” She asked him.

“With your nanny, see?” He looked at Maddie, who enthusiastically waved at Leia. Leia looked at Maddie, waving at her, then hid her head against her father’s neck. “Sorry,” he looked at Maddie as he carried Leia, “bit shy.” He apologized.

Serpent had walked up to Maddie, sniffing her, then stepping away to fall to Austin’s side. Looking up at Leia to make sure she was okay. Fredrick reached his hand out, and Maddie shook it. “I’m Fredrick, the butler. It’s a pleasure to meet you…”

“Maddie.”

“Pleasure to meet you Maddie.” He nodded. Fredrick wore a tailcoat tuxedo, despite being a few decades older than Austin. Fredrick looked fit, he looked young and decent if she had ignored his slicked back metallic hair.

For Leia, Maddie saw that she had blonde hair like her father, but brown eyes. She had assumed this was due to his ex wife having brown eyes. She had dimples, and clung to her father as if there was no tomorrow. Leia had her hair tied up in little buns, and she looked like Princess Leia from Star Wars.

Maddie was curious if Leia was named after her. But didn’t want to ask, thinking it was too rude. “It’s a pleasure to be working with you, Maddie.” Fredrick started, gaining Maddie’s attention.

“Oh- yeah!” She chuckled shyly. “It’s amazing.” She saw Austin put Leia down on the ground, holding both of her little hands in his. He was whispering something to her.

“Knowing Mr. Butler, I’m sure you start today at this very moment.” Fredrick side eyed Austin. “I’ll take you on a tour of the place.”

Whilst on the tour, Fredrick took her to the kitchen. On the kitchen counter was a photo of Austin’s late wife, Rose. Maddie had noticed that Rose had brown hair, she was beside Austin, kissing his cheek.

Maddie for some reason felt a twang of disgust just by looking at their photo. But, there was photos of Rose every where in the house. She had gotten the hint that perhaps Austin wasn’t over his ex wife, that he was still deeply in love with her.

But he’s single now… she started in her head, he’s been single… but he’s up for grabs. He’s Austin Butler, rich and famous. I’d do anything to get with a man like that. She thought to herself. Smiling a bit as she kept looking at the photo. Sorry Rose.

“You comin.” She heard a raspy voice, seeing Fredrick waiting for her to go to his side.

She caught up with him. “Sorry, I just noticed there’s a lot of photos of him and his ex wife.” She commented.

Fredrick glanced at her, his brow perked up. Calling Rose his ex wife is rather insulting. Just for that, Fredrick didn’t like the girl, at all. “Yes of course, he loves his wife. They were both incredibly happy, and were married for a decade until she unfortunately passed.” Fredrick agreed with her. “Rose- she’s the love of his life.” He added quietly. “She hired me just before she passed away.”

So Austin married her when he was 20? He must’ve been confident in their love. But, Maddie was also curious as to why Fredrick was hired. “Why?”

“She wanted someone to look after her hooligan.” He chuckled lowly, shaking his head in amusement.

—

Austin was sitting with his daughter, she was looking up at him. Touching his stubble. “Your face is rough, daddy.” She commented as her little hands kept patting his face.

“Do you not like it, sweetheart?” He chuckled in amusement.

“Noo!” She whined, shaking her head.

“What should daddy do then?” He cooed, smiling at his daughter.

“Take- take it off.” She kept brushing his stubble. “Take off your hair. It’s rough.” Her little hands pat his face. “It’s spikey, and rough.” She put her hands back onto his. “When you kiss it hurts!”

“You want daddy to take it off?” His voice was surprisingly high pitched. Maddie poked her head into the office of Austin Butler, seeing him playing with daughter. Their dog, Serpent, was right behind Austin. His body curled in a comfortable sleeping position.

“Take it off, daddy.”

“Alright sweetheart, daddy will take it off.” He promised. She squealed happily, standing up in front of him. Serpent had woken up, looking at the little girl. She toddled over to Serpent, sitting in front of him.

Austin smiled as he watched his little girl. Keeping his hand on her head. She leaned down to cup Serpent’s face, feeling his saliva on her fingers. “Eww Serpent!” She giggled, kicking her little feet in the air. “You’re all slobbery.” She leaned down to hug Serpent’s face. The dog licked at her face, and she smiled brightly. “Serpent!” She called his name, wanting the dog to stop. “Stinky breath.”

Maddie kept watching the two. Fredrick walked past her and into the office casually, surprising Maddie. Austin got up, looking at Fredrick. “I gotta shave. Watch her for me will you Fred?”

“Of course sir.” Fredrick promised.

Austin walked past Fredrick, looking at Maddie who was at the door. “Sup Maddie.” He flicked his head to her, a charming smile flashed on his face before he went to the bathroom. Just with that, Maddie felt her heart pretty much explode. Her adrenaline high, with her face flushed as all of hell.

Maddie watched after him in silence, following him to the bathroom. You could do with some help. She saw the bathroom door left open, seeing him get his electric razor. His body was leaned over the sink. “Do you need help shaving Mr. Butler?” Maddie asked as she walked in the bathroom.

“Oh no, it’s alright.” He brushed it off.

“You sure?” She stood by his, arm brushing up against his. He glanced at her, confused for a moment as he brought the razor to his face.

“No, I’m quite alright.” He smirked a bit before trimming his stubble.

“Well, I was just wondering. Since I’m the nanny and all.” She kept close to him.

Austin nodded his head in understanding. “I get that ma’am.” He emphasized the ma’am. “You’re the nanny. Not the wife.” His gray eyes darkened, eyes narrowing at Maddie. “So, I’m quite alright.”

“Right, sorry Mr. Butler.” She gulped down, stepping away from him.

After awhile, Austin had came back to greet his daughter. He had sat down on the floor of his office with her. She was playing with her toy cars. “Vrooom!” She hummed as she played with her Mustang. She looked up at Austin then, seeing how he sat beside her.

“Hey baby.” He cooed, and she smiled the moment she saw him. She had crawled into his lap, her doe eyes looking at his clean shaven face.

“What- what happened?” She asked innocently, as she cupped his face in her little hands. “It’s all gone.”

“Yeah daddy shaved his face.” Austin grinned at his little girl.

“Woah!” She giggled in amazement. “Your- your face is soft.” She kept patting all over his face with such an innocent smile. Austin couldn’t help but soften his gaze around her.

“You told me to shave, bubba.” He cooed. She couldn’t help but grin at her father. “How do I look sweetheart?”

“Handsome.” She wrapped her arms around his neck to rest her head on his shoulder, wanting her father to hug her. “You look beautiful daddy.” She looked at his face, her small fingers still feeling how smooth his face was.

“I look beautiful? Thank you, love.”

“I love you~!” She hummed, squealing happily.

“I love you too, sweets.” He kissed the side of her head. Looking back to see Fredrick smiling at the two, Maddie staying by his side.

—

‘The boss’s office, is off limits.’ Fredrick warned. ‘Only his close friends can come in.’

Well everyone is asleep now, so who cares. She brushed Fredrick’s warning off. Maddie stared at Austin’s office. He had left the door open, and she looked back at Leia’s room. The door was also left open, with Serpent the Doberman sitting at the entrance.

Maddie crept into the office of Austin Butler. She looked at his desk, seeing a photo of his family. He had a bright smile on his face, his hand intertwined with his ex wife Rose, who was leaning against his shoulder, a gentle smile plastered on her face. Between them was Leia, her blonde hair was tied in two buns, and she was holding her father’s hand, Rose holding her other.

They look… happy. Walking towards the desk, she opened a drawer. She was met with a singular locket and a pair of glasses, as well as a box with what seemed to be holding a ring. She leaned down to grab the box with a ring inside, she opened the box. It was a wedding ring, a beautiful wedding ring. It was a silver band that was covered in diamonds. In the box was a small note, written. ‘I love you so much, Rose. Thank you for sticking with me through thick and thin. Will you marry me.’ Without thinking, she took the ring out of the case. Slipping it onto her finger, it was a perfect fit. She smiled a bit. Married to Austin Butler wouldn’t be so bad. Bearing his children would be such a bliss. She continued in her head. Finally, she put the ring back in the box.

She closed the box, putting it back in the drawer. She felt jealous just by reading that little note. Then she reached over to the locket that laid beside the box. She unclipped it, opening the locket. It was a photo of Austin and Rose, his lips were pressed against her cheek with a bright smile on his face. The left side of the locket had Serpent and his little girl, with Fredrick crouched beside the pair with a bright smile.

He must love his family a lot. She closed the locket. Wouldn’t be so bad if I was maybe apart of that family. Closing the drawer of the desk. She looked around, seeing the toys that were left on the ground.

—

Austin had sat on his chair by the desk. His eyes staring at the photo he had of Rose and him. Opening the drawer of the desk, he stared down at it. Noticing how it looked different than the way he left it. He nibbled on his lower lip, annoyed. Fred wouldn’t go through my things. Unless that chic did. He grabbed the box with Rose’s wedding ring, opening it. He stared at the ring, anger boiling inside of him. Aint no fuckin way. He thought to himself. The ring inside the case was crooked. That bitch!

—

Maddie had been trudging around the house. Bored as hell. Fredrick took care of mostly everything as far as she could tell. He cleaned the house, and would at times walk the dog.

Serpent for some odd reason didn’t like Maddie. Whenever he saw her he would growl and bark like there was no tomorrow, seeing her as some sort of threat.

She walked down to the garage, looking at the cars Austin owned. She could see a blue 1969 Mach One Mustang, it looked just like the one that Leia would carry around with her.

She saw a few other cars that she didn’t recognize, as well as a motorcycle. Outside in the yard, was Austin Butler. What is he doing? She questioned. Approaching him, she saw Leia was with him. Playing with her Mustang. “Vroooom!” She sang, pushing the toy car around.

Austin was shirtless. She could see sweat dripping down his brow, covering his chest. He was leaning over his sports car, which was yet another mustang. She saw a cobra badge on the mustang, and GT500 was painted on the side of the car.

“Hey Mr. Butler,” she greeted him.

He looked back at her, breathing heavily. She could see that his fingers were black from the grease. Not to mention, his abdomen was covered in grease. It was evident that he had been wiping his hands off on his abs. “Hey Maddie.” He flicked his head, instantly looking back down in the hood.

“Whatcha working on?” She asked him, standing by his side.

“The shifting is a bit y’know,” he breathed out, “bit rough.” He bit his lower lip. He looked back at his daughter, seeing his Doberman sniffing at the grass in the driveway. Before turning around to face the three, he ran back to Leia’s side. Growling at Maddie already, his canines showed.

“Oi, Serpent. Not right now boy.” Austin said to the dog. Serpent hushed immediately, sitting beside Leia. Austin looked at Maddie, confused. “Wonder why he hates you.” He had a sarcastic tone, knowing damn well what Serpent was seeing in her.

“Me too.” She glanced back at the dog, clearly not catching onto to the sarcasm as she then stared at Austin. She brushed her side against his. “Want me to help you with this? Or get you a towel to wipe the sweat off your brow.” Her hand rubbed his arm that was resting on the hood of the car.

“No. I’m fine.” He said in a harsh tone. “Rather get Fredrick to help me.” He looked back down at the hood, leaning over to screw something in.

“Why Fredrick? Because he’s a man?” Maddie had a defensive tone.

Austin immediately turned to face her, his gray eyes darkened. “No, because he’s like a father, and knows about cars. Unlike you. You clearly don’t know anything about cars.” He growled lowly, not wanting his daughter to hear how he was treating the new nanny.

“I do too.”

“Oh yeah? What’s the year of this car. The engine size. The horsepower. The model.”

“…” Maddie fell quiet. “Well-“ she started, “-it’s a Ford Mustang. GT-five-hundred. Cobra.” Her voice was shaky, unsure. Austin nodded his head, wanting her to continue. “Erm…” she trailed off.

“Excuse me,” she heard a diligent tone, swishing around, it was Fredrick. He had glanced at Maddie, “I apologize for the intrusion Mr. Butler.”

“No worries, Fred.” Fredrick could see the relief on his friends face. It was obvious that this bimbo of a nanny was annoying his boss.

“But here you are sir,” he handed Austin an envelope, “invitation to the Met.”

“Oh shoot.” Austin blinked, looking at the envelope.

“And to answer your question. This is a twenty-fourteen Cobra slash Shelby GT-five-hundred, Ford Mustang. With six-hundred horsepower.” Fredrick side eyed Maddie, turning away to leave them both alone. “C’mon Leia, lets go.” He called to the little girl.

She looked up at Austin, to see if she had permission to leave her father alone. “Go on, love.”

“Bye daddy!” She waved bye at him, running to Fredrick, then held his hand. Serpent trailing behind the little girl, barking softly as he fell to her side. Fredrick held Leia’s toy, and Leia placed her hand on Serpent’s side. “Serpent, do you wanna play hide and seek later?” Austin heard his daughter innocently ask the dog, as if he was a human who could talk.

Austin watched the trio before looking at Maddie. “You’re her nanny y’know, you should be watching her.” He retorted before looking back at the car.

“Oh c’mon Austin,” she grabbed both of his hands, slipping in front of him. Her tone was suggestive, and she wasn’t hiding her intentions. She wanted to gain his attention. Austin stepped back, “you’re the Austin Butler. An incredibly talented and famous actor. You’ve been single for so long, don’t you want some fun?” She rubbed his arms. “I could be her step mother.” She suggestively said.

Austin glared at her, his face distorting in disgust. “I’m married.” He calmly said, pushing her hands away from his. “Happily. Married.” He added lowly. “She has a mother, and that’s Rose.”

“You’re not married.” Maddie cupped his face, forcing him to look at her eyes. “You’re clearly lost, and grieving, but Austin you’re single. You’ve been single. Just let go of her.” She tried her best to convince Austin to let go of his past. Moving so close to Austin that her breasts were pressed against his chest, her hips were rubbing against the front of his jeans. “You’ve got me, a young fling.”

Austin stared down at her with a blank face. “No.” He grabbed her hands, forcing them to pull away from his face. “I’ve got a fuckin’ wife. Maddie. I’m married. I never divorced her. I’m married. I got a daughter, a butler, and a dog.” He lowered his voice, so low it sounded like he was going to murder her. “I’m not gonna fuckin’ ruin that. Yes, Rose passed away. But I am still deeply in love with her. I dream of her every night. You’ve seen the photos of my wife everywhere in the house.” He stepped away from her. His voice firm, he knew what he was saying. He was confident in himself. “Fuck off Maddie. You’re the fuckin’ nanny. That’s all you are. A nanny. You ain’t Rose. You ain’t my wife.”

“Aus-“

“It’s Mr. Butler,” he grabbed her arms to push her away from the car, “and don’t touch my car.” He snapped angrily. “The only person allowed to call me Austin is my daughter and my butler. This isn’t personal darling, this is professional! So get your shit together and stop tryna fuck me.”

She had resisted Austin. Moving in front of him, her back rubbing against the front of the car. With her hands on Austin’s bare chest. “What- so Fredrick. Someone who works for you, can call you by your name? But I can’t? I work for you too.”

“Fredrick has watched over me since forever, Maddie. He’s like my father. He lives with me. You don’t, frankly. But he does. And my wife hired him.” He stood his ground. Craning his head towards Maddie’s face. “I’m not ruining my marriage for fucking some college whore.”

“Oh, so that’s how you see me?” She flinched, hurt from the comment.

“Yeah. Now get out of my fuckin’ face. I don’t wanna see you ever again.” He shoved her away from the car. Stumbling back, she had almost fell on the ground. “I don’t have time for your games. Not when I got a little girl.”

“Austin you can’t fire-“

“I’ll get the dog. I swear to god, Maddie. Leave!” He shouted.

“You wouldn’t-“ she was interrupted with a whistle. A wolf call. And in seconds she could hear barking coming from the house, and could see the dog running out of the garage.

Austin snapped his fingers, pointing to the floor. Serpent understood the command. Heel. And his body pressed against Austin’s side, looking up at him. “Leave.” He threatened her, and Maddie had walked away. Serpent watched after Maddie, growling lowly. “Good boy Serpent.” He leaned down to pat the dogs head. “I should’ve listened to you, buddy.” Kissing Serpent’s head. “You’re far more intelligent than I am, bubba.”

He cupped Serpent’s face. “Good boy bubba, good boy.” He cooed.

[lovemesomesurveys]

[chasingghosts @ bzoink]

What TV shows are you watching at the moment?   I watch a lot of shows, but I’m not watching anything at this particular moment. 

Do you enjoy having deep, philosophical conversations?   Yeah, with certain people. 

Have you ever studied human anatomy?   Just in biology. I’ve never taken an actual anatomy class. 

Do you plan to do much or go anywhere tomorrow?   Ugh, I have a doctor appointment in the morning. Right now going to doctor appointments are an extra big pain in the ass because I have to get up earlier cause it takes me longer to get ready and I have to be ready for when the gurney transport service arrives. They always come like 30 minutes earlier, which is annoying cause that’s just more waiting for me. Plus, we have to give them an estimated time to come back to pick me up, but there’s never any telling how long an appointment is going to take. If I’m done early, we have to wait until they come back at the time we gave them. Anyway, yeah, it sucks.

What was your favourite fairytale when you were growing up?   Does Alice in Wonderland count? I always say that.

Did you feel bored before you started this survey?   Nah, I was just watching YouTube videos. 

Have you applied for a job recently?   No.

Do you have vivid dreams?   Oh man, sleep on sleeping medication is pretty wild. I have some intense dreams, too. I sometimes wake up with a headache and I’m like is that my body’s way of forcing me to get up from this dream or what?

Would you have more word documents or images saved on your computer?   I only have a few images shaved on here. 

Have you ever experienced severe health anxiety?   Yes. 

Do you have a drink with you right now and if so, what is it? If not, what would you like to be drinking right now?   >> I have a cup of juniper mint honey tea that's almost finished.

Are you home alone right now?   No.

What do you use - haha, lmao, lol, rofl? Something else entirely?   I use all of them except for rofl.

What noises can't you stand to hear?   Eating sounds is definitely at the top of the list. 

What's your favourite pasta shape?   Spaghetti or angel hair. I like thin noodles. 

What state, territory or province do you live in?   I live in California.

Would you rather be sleeping right now?   I just took my sleeping medicine so I’ll be sleeping soon. 

Are you still in touch with anyone you went to high school with?   I mean, I’m “friends” with several people from high school on Facebook. 

Do you use the Notes app on your phone much? If so, what for?   Yeah, quite often. I make lists, reminders, random stuff. 

Who did you last have a deep conversation with?   My mom. 

Do you prefer floral or fruity scents?   I much prefer fruity scents. 

What's your favourite non-dairy milk?   Oat milk.

Do you have any tattoos? If so, tell me about one.   Nope.

Where are your siblings right now? My brother is headed to New York and my brother is at home in Georgia. And I’m just here... stuck in bed.... doing nothing. 

Which sibling are you closest to, both physically (distance) and emotionally? My younger brother. As of now we still live together and we’re also just very close despite the fact we’re a decade apart. He’ll be moving later this year with his boyfriend, though, so we won’t be as close distance wise anymore. :(

Did you attend pre-school as a kid?   >> I did.

What's something you need to buy soon? Nothing In particular at the moment.

Have you ever been evicted from your home? If so, did you think it was fair?   No, I haven’t. 

If you could learn any language, what would it be?   >> I can learn any language -- Duolingo is right there. that's partially facetious (they don't have everything) but like... language learning isn't an entirely inaccessible proposition like it used to be. >>>

Do you go to cemeteries regularly? Who do you visit? No. I don’t have any reason to. None of my loved ones are buried and I feel comfortable just hanging out at cemeteries.

[jalwoorideul]

no way is the bird up shutting down, that's where i get my concert updates now what do i do when it's ticket selling day now 🧍

[helliontherapscallion]

(Y/n) and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week: Tuesday

Monday     Wednesday     Thursday (Part 1)     Thursday (Part 2)     Friday     Saturday     Sunday

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: anxiety, doctor’s offices, taking pain pills (not sure if I need to tag that, but just in case), stalkers, blackmail, swearing, non-consensual taking pics of nudes, slight body dysmorphia, self-loathing, toxic friends

Word count: 5,326

(A/N): another long chapter, my little wlw heart loved writing this chapter! Also holy shit I was not expecting the first part to blow up, thank you to everyone that read it! Gosh, it’s enough to make a grown woman cry :’)

You cracked open your crusty eyes to Wilbur poking his head into your room. “(Y/n), Dad wants you.”

You groaned rubbing at your eyes in an attempt to get the sleep out of them. “I’ll be down in a sec.” Your voice was scratchy and thick with sleep.

He closed the door silently and you heard his socked feet thumping down the hallway. Your pain faded slightly into soreness, but your shoulders and upper back were slightly stiff. After you drug yourself out of bed, you shambled down the stairs to see your family at the table eating breakfast. Your stomach growled loudly, making you blush slightly in embarrassment. 

Your eldest brother snorted. “Hungry (y/n)?”

You slumped into your seat next to him slowly shoveling food into your mouth. “You have no idea.”

“You wouldn’t be that hungry if you ate dinner when you got home like I told you to do last night, young lady. You better eat every single thing on that plate.”

There was no arguing with a stern Dadza, so you reluctantly complied. Meanwhile, Tommy and Tubbo were telling Wilbur about your match animatedly. 

“And the ball was like fwoosh and she- the ball and-and-”

“And she hit it and Haley hit it to the other side! It was so cool!”

Wilbur merely smiled listening to them ramble about how badass you were last night. They made you feel genuinely happy that they admired your volleyball abilities; they were probably your biggest fans and that made your day most of the time. You remembered the first match they came to during your freshman year, they had run up to you right after the end-of-match whistle blew to spew about how good you were on the court. They met the team that day. Your team adored having them at your games, over the years they slowly replaced your school’s mascot. They played a huge part in morale boosts before and during matches. 

He looked over to you, “I didn’t know my little sister could be so badass.”

You felt your cheeks flare up. “It’s nothing I haven’t done before. It really wasn’t anything special.”

“(Y/n),” Philza pursed his lips, “you did all that with a bruised back, I’d consider that something special.”

“Wait (y/n), you’re hurt?” Tommy and Tubbo looked at you with wide concerned eyes.

“Yeah, but it’s not that bad. I can still move and stuff.”

Techno rolled his eyes, “it’s bad if you’re going to the doctor for it.”

“Eh, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did yesterday, so I’m not worried.” 

“You’re deadass wincing everytime you move your arm,” WIlbur deadpanned, “it clearly still hurts.”

“Well yeah, I didn’t say the pain went away completely. Fuckin’ dumbass.”

“Language,” Philza glared at you two, gesturing to the two fifth graders watching the exchange with interest. 

You and Wilbur resumed eating and murmured out a defeated “sorry Dad.” You both glared at Techno when he huffed in amusement. 

“If you three keep bickering, you’re going to be late to school. Remember, you two have to drop off Tommy and Tubbo today cuz I’m taking your sister to her appointment. Now go get ready, I’ll take care of your dishes.”

Your brothers took off up the stairs, each competing to get to the bathroom first. Occasionally, you would hear shouts and slapping noises. You felt glad you didn’t have to deal with that today. Judging by Techno’s gruff voice laughing and an explosion of loud complaints from the rest, you assumed that he won today. “I swear, they’re gonna put me in an early grave.”

“You and me both Dad, you and me both.”

You went into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of pain pills from the junk drawer. Various bottles of Motrin and Advil were scattered around the house because when you live with a rambunctious family like this one, people are bound to get hurt and headaches are common. Popping three into your mouth, you washed it down with a glass of water. The sound of the running water faucet and the slight splashing of water filled the silence of the room. 

“How’s your back? Does it feel any better?”

“Kinda, today it just feels more sore than throbbing, my headache went away mostly, and my shoulder doesn’t feel any worse, so that’s better I guess.”

He shut off the water and reached for a towel to dry off his wet hands. He moved over to the freezer and grabbed a frozen package of peas that your family never ate. You all used it whenever one of you would get a bruise. He moved behind you and held it against your back without warning. Flinching forward from the unexpected temperature change, you winced with the wave of pain moving brought you. 

“Shit, sorry.”

“You’re good. Just give me a little warning next time,” you chuckled. He gently placed it back on your back and you sighed from the slight relief that it brought you. You leaned into the peas and closed your eyes. “That feels amazing.”

“I bet. That bruise was pretty bad yesterday, can I look at it again?”

You reluctantly left the sanctuary that was the medical grade frozen peas and leaned forward, moving your hair out of the way for him. “Knock yourself out.”

He made a hissing noise as soon as he moved your shirt out of the way. “Dad, it probably looks worse than it feels.”

“...Have you seriously not looked at this yet? It looks pretty bad, hun.”

“Well, sorry I can’t move to look at my back without being in pain. I’ll try harder next time.” You snarked him.

“Hey, watch the attitude. Here, I’ll take a picture so you can see how bad it is.”

You heard the rustling of fabric as he fished his phone out of his pocket and the obnoxiously loud click of his camera app. You turned around to look at the damage. You squinted at his bright phone screen. Your entire back was swollen in some areas and was covered in ugly reds, blues, blacks, and purples. You made a disgusted noise in the back of your throat and cringed away from the screen. You always got nauseous seeing injuries.

“Yikes.”

“Yikes isn’t the only word I would use, it’s bad (y/n).”

“It looks worse than it feels, I promise. I’m gonna go get ready so we’re not late to my appointment. It sounds like the boys are finally done with the bathroom.”

You hobbled up the stairs slowly and made your way to the bathroom. The door was wide open ready for you to use. Turning on the light, you closed the door in a hurry so that your brothers wouldn’t try to get in again to hog the bathroom like they usually did. You frowned at your appearance. Your hair was sticking up in every direction and you had dark eye bags around your dull looking eyes. A few pimples dotted your skin like constellations in the night sky, but much uglier and more out of place. Turning your body, you scanned your figure. Your eyes watered as you realized that you had gained some weight. Adrian, Sammy, and Annie were right, you looked like garbage all the time.

You ripped your eyes away from yourself in the mirror with disgust etched deep into your features. You were disgusting through and through. Ripping your brush through your hair, you winced at the pain emanating from the back of your head. You deserve the pain for letting yourself go. Once you were slightly more satisfied with your appearance, you stepped out of the bathroom and quickly changed into the clothes you would wear today. You decided on a hoodie and a pair of tights. You didn’t feel like dressing yourself up. 

You once again walked down the stairs and slipped on your shoes to meet your dad in his car. You idly scrolled through your phone while you waited for him, looking at your notifications for the first time that day. You had ten texts from the group chat that you were in with Adrian, Annie, and Sammy.

Sammy <3

(Y/n) where the hell are you?

Adrian <3

Do you guys think she ditched us?

I knew she was ignoring us

Sammy <3

Who ignores their friends?

Annie <3

(Y/n) apparently. 

She has more important things to do ig

Oh my god

Do you guys think she skipped school?

Adrian <3

I wouldn’t put it past her

Maybe she finally gave up

(Y/n)

I’m sorry guys, I just have a doctor’s appointment today

I would never ignore you

Sammy <3

Yk, it’s hard to keep defending you when you keep ditching us..

(Y/n)

I’m not ditching you!

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys about my appointment

I’ll make it up to you guys

Adrian <3

How?

You’ve already skipped out on us enough already

Annie <3

Oh ik!

She can write our final research paper for us Dri!

I haven’t started it yet lmao

Adrian <3

Saaaame lmaoooo

Sammy <3

Guys, what about me???

Adrian <3

Idk, figure it out yourself

Sammy <3

Rude!

Uhhh

Ur gonna put together my final presentation for us history

(Y/n)

Alright, I can do that for you guys

Sam can you pls send me the rubric? 

Annie <3

Thanks love ;)

(Y/n)

No problem, I like doing things for friends

My dad’s coming, I gotta go

Talk to you guys later

Adrian <3

Byeeee (y/n), ur the best!

(Y/n)

: ) <3

You put your phone down as your dad started up the car and pulled out of the driveway. The drive was quiet as you stared out the window and thought about how much work you now had to do. On top of your own classes, you had two more to write and a presentation to make in a class you hadn’t taken since the first semester in your sophomore year. The research papers had to be at least four full pages long with a minimum of ten sources each due on Friday and you had no idea how big Sammy’s US history presentation has to be or what it’s even about. But that was fine, you’d do anything for your friends. 

“So, who were you texting? Your boyfriend?” He asked jokingly.

“Oh, just Adrian, Sammy, and Annie. I don’t have a boyfriend Dad,” because you were a closeted lesbian, but you wouldn’t tell him that anytime soon. “You know that.”

“I know,” he chuckled, “it’s been a while since I’ve seen them. How have they been?”

“They’re good. Adrian got a job at the diner, he’s a host. Sammy and Annie have been focusing more on raising their grades.”

“Good for them! You should invite them over for dinner sometime.”

“I was actually thinking that I could maybe go hang out with them on Halloween...?”

“(Y/n), the family was going to take Tommy and Tubbo trick-or-treating.”

“I know, but there’s always next year. Plus, we haven’t been able to hang out in so long! We’re always free at different times.”

“I don’t know (y/n), what if they don’t want to trick-or-treat next year? What were you planning on doing with them?”

“We were just gonna hang out at Annie’s house and watch some horror movies,” you lied. He would never let you go if he knew you were going to a party. Especially one where alcohol would be involved and hormonal teenage boys ran rampant actively scouting for an easy lay.

“...I’ll think about it.” The car pulled into the doctor office’s parking lot.

“Thank you Dad! It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out together.”

He chuckled as you both walked into the lobby, checked in, and waited for your name to be called. About ten minutes later, you were summoned by a nurse so you went into the back leaving your dad to wait in the lobby. The nurse recorded your height and weight (much to your dismay, you gained four pounds) and asked you the standard questions about your injury and uncomfortable questions about your overall health. The clacking of her acrylic nails on the plastic keyboard filled the awkward silence.

Once that was done, she left and you had to wait a little bit for the doctor. After slipping into the backless gown the nurse left, you mindlessly scrolled on your phone. Jumping when someone knocked on the door, you looked up to see your family’s doctor smiling at you.

“Hello (y/n), how are we feeling today?”

“I’m alright.”

“I hear that you had quite the fall onto some concrete, is that true?”

“Yes, I landed on my back and the back of my head.”

She reached over and squirted hand sanitizer onto her hands, rubbing it in and looking back at you. “Can you please lay on your stomach so I can take a look at your back?”

You nodded, shifting on the uncomfortable paper covered cushioned table onto your stomach. You felt her cold hands gently graze your bruises before she pulled out her stethoscope. “Can you take a good deep breath in for me?”

You complied and she instructed you to let it out. Doing this multiple times along your back, she put her stethoscope away and continued prodding at your exposed back. 

“There’s definitely some swelling in multiple areas… It doesn’t feel or sound like you cracked or broke any ribs, which is excellent… Do you have any pain deep in your shoulder when you move it?”

“Yes, I landed on it wrong last night at my volleyball match.”

“How would you describe your pain? Stabbing, sore, throbbing…”

“More sore, but a little stabbing pain when I move my arm.”

She moved her fingers to examine your shoulder. “It doesn’t sound like a sprain or fracture, can you move it up and down for me?”

You moved your arm up and down, front and back, and side to side. “You still have a full range of movement, that’s good. Can I have you sit back up again?”

You sat back up and she started testing you for a concussion. After passing her tests, you were cleared of having a concussion. “Alright (y/n), it appears that you only strained your deltoid and teres muscles and you have severe bruising along your back. Make sure you ice your back and, if you have one, wear a shoulder compression sleeve. Anti-inflammatory medications such as Ibuprofen will help with the swelling. Other than that, you have a clean bill of health! You can still participate in volleyball practices, but you need to take it easy. Don’t do anything that will strain the muscles any further.”

“Thank you Dr. Samson,” you smiled at her. 

“You’re welcome. I’ll leave you to change back into your clothes and you’re free to go! You may leave the gown on the table.”

She left the room and you redressed yourself. Walking out to the lobby, Philza’s head perked up when he heard the door opening. He stood up and walked over to you with a slightly worried face. You both walked back out to the car.

“So?”

“Dr. Samson said that I don’t have a concussion, sprains or broken bones. She told me that I just strained my shoulder muscles and I need to keep ice on my back.”

He visibly slumped in relief. “Thank god. What’d she say about volleyball?”

“She said that I could keep playing, but I have to take it easy.”

“Good, wouldn’t want you missing finals on Thursday. Do you know if the team you’re playing is any good?”

“Dad, of course they’re good, we’re the top two teams in the area.”

“I bet their setter is nowhere near as good as you are and I bet the setter and spiker aren’t as synced as you and Haley are. You two make a good pair.” 

“Yeah we do, don’t we?” You looked out the window and smiled a little and felt your ears turn red. The very mention of Haley’s name was enough to make you feel like you were on cloud nine. The car fell silent again as you neared your high school. 

In your AP world history class, the class was looking at the test you had taken yesterday. Surprisingly, you got a 74% on the multiple choice part and a 50% on your essay portion, so that landed you with a just below passing grade. You thought you completely flunked that test yesterday, so that was a pleasant surprise. It took a good portion out of your overall grade in the class, lowering it from a comfortable A- to a slightly alarming B. You supposed it could’ve been a lot worse. Besides reviewing your tests, the class didn’t do much except starting the reading for the next chapter.

Your psychology online class went like it usually did, however your phone blew up with texts about midway through the block. Glancing down, you saw that it was Haley. Shouldn’t she be in class?

Hales : )

(Y/n) meet me in the locker room right after school

I need to talk to you before practice starts

It’s an emergency

(Y/n)

What’s going on?

Hales : )

I’ll explain after school.

Can’t talk about it over text

(Y/n)

Alright, see ya then ig

You felt your gut twinge. Something’s wrong, but you didn’t know what. You were worried about Haley, usually she was really bubbly. You’ve never seen the senior act so strange before. You could only wait the block out until the bell would release you from the confines of the library and into the locker room. After sending a quick text to your brothers that you were going to stay after school for your practice, you stared blankly at your laptop’s clock as you counted down the minutes left in the class period. Ten minutes. Eight minutes. Four minutes. Two minutes. Thirty seconds-

You shot up from your seat as the bell rang. Pushing past some groups of freshmen that congregated in the hallways, you made a beeline for the locker room. In the locker room, you found Haley sitting on the metal bench on the opposite end of the locker room with her back facing the last row of lockers and facing the brick wall. She was clenching her phone in her hand with an iron grip. You hurried to sit next to her.

“Hales, what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“It’s bad (y/n). Like, really bad.”

“What’s bad? You’re worrying me.”

Wordlessly, she unlocked her phone and handed it to you. On the screen was something that you weren’t expecting to see. You scrolled through the contents and felt your stomach drop with each scroll; someone took pictures of you and Haley throughout the match last night. Every picture was a violation to yours and Haley’s dignities, they had gotten zoomed in pictures of your boobs and asses. Deeper, there were even pictures taken of you changing into your volleyball uniform through your open window. You were only in your underwear. Haley had a similar picture that you scrolled past as fast as you could. Scrolling to the bottom of the text message thread, the person that sent Haley the pictures added a caption to the last picture. It was a picture of you and Haley together celebrating your match, her arm slung around your shoulder with your mouth open mid-laugh.

Unknown

I’m sending these out to the entire school unless you stop hanging around her.

If you tell anyone, the pics will be printed off and put in every single locker and bathroom the school has.

You’ll be the sluts of Klinkver High. 

Cut all ties now. You have two days. 

Do not try me.

“Jesus christ Haley. Who the fuck would do this? This is sick.”

She took her phone back and locked it without looking at the screen. “I don’t know (y/n). I wanted to tell you not to openly talk to me for a few days. We don’t know who took these, we don’t know what they’re capable of. I don’t wanna risk angering them.”

“We can find them! If we look close enough, we might find a few clues where they were sitting. Do you remember seeing anything suspicious last night?”

“(Y/n), our best option is to leave it. We just can’t talk in person anymore; we can still text each other.”

“Hales, how are we gonna not talk? I’m your setter.”

She ran a hand through her thick black hair. “I don’t know (y/n). Just-just don’t talk to me anymore, I don’t want your pictures leaked.”

“I don’t care about my pictures. My name’s been drug through so much shit this past year that it won’t affect me. I don’t want your stuff leaked.”

She gave a watery laugh, “you care too much, I love that about you…” Glistening eyes turned to look deep into your own. “I’m so scared (y/n), I don’t know what to do.”

You pulled her into a hug, wincing slightly when she squeezed her arms around your upper back. She buried her face into your shoulder and started shaking with muffled sobs. “Haley, I promise I’ll catch whatever sick bastard is doing this to you. You don’t deserve this.”

She said nothing as you rested your chin on the top of her head and started to rock her back and forth slowly. You two stayed like that even after her sobbing resided, finding comfort in each other’s presence. Glancing at the clock, you realized that you two have been in the locker room for an hour. Practice was set to start in fifteen minutes, people were going to start coming into the locker room soon. 

You reluctantly pulled away from the hug and looked Haley in her bloodshot eyes, “I’m not going to let those pictures of you get leaked. I swear on my-”

The door to the locker room swung open and loud laughter echoed throughout the room. Haley pushed you away and speed walked off to a bathroom stall, slamming the door shut behind her. 

“Damn (y/n), what’d you do? She’s pissed.” 

“It’s none of your business, Zara.” 

“Oh, so it’s a lover’s quarrel then~” She cackled, her hair bouncing slightly with each heave of her shoulders. 

“For the love of… Haley and I aren’t dating, we’re both straight.” She’s straight.

“Mmhm.” She brushed past you to go to her locker. You followed her, your locker was in the grouping next to hers. You shared the area with Haley. You changed as fast as you could so that Haley would have time to change before practice starts. Speed walking into the gym, Zara was hot on your trail wearing a shit eating grin.

“Why are you in such a rush? Giving your girlfriend the silent treatment?”

“Zara. We aren’t dating. For the last time, we’re both heterosexual, not homosexual!” You wildly gestured with your hands to emphasize your point, your voice being amplified by the vast gym. Coach Williams gave you a confused look from across the gym. 

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

“I’m serious.”

“Hi serious,” a soft voice replied from behind you, “I’m Jazzy.”

You groaned at the pun at the same time Zara started cackling, giving the short libero a high five. “Nice!”

“That was so bad, Jaz.” You couldn’t help the smile that found its way onto your face.

Zara poked your cheek with a wide grin. “C’mon, you’re smiling!”

“I am and I hate it.”

Your bickering continued with Jazzy watching you two with a content smile. The remaining members of the team (Haley, Marlene, and Zuri) filed into the gym right as Coach Williams blew her whistle. 

Practice went by slowly without Haley talking to you. Sure, you had the rest of the team, but it didn’t feel the same with you guys ignoring each other. If the team or Coach Williams noticed you two not talking to each other, they didn’t say anything. By time practice was over, you all went to the locker room to change. After slipping into your fuzzy pajama pants, you sat on the bench and texted Wilbur to come pick you up. He was supposed to pick you up after practice today because he and Techno took the car home after school. Five minutes passed and he still didn’t reply. He probably won’t see the text until you got home from walking.

You sighed, resting your chin in your palm as you leaned forward. One by one, the girls left the locker room until it was only you and Haley left. 

“Do you need a ride (y/n)?” She asked gently.

“But what if the person sees us together? I can just walk home, it’s not really a big deal.”

She rolled her eyes at you. “It is a big deal. It’s cold and dark out. You could get kidnapped or something. You don’t even have a coat with you. I’m giving you a ride whether you like it or not.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at her and stood up to walk next to her, “okay, mom.”

“Don’t give me that attitude young lady.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom!”

She gasped and lightly smacked the back of your shoulder, “I married your- are you alright? Shit, I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, you’re good. It’s just this damned bruise.”

She moved her hands and frantically turned you around to pull the neck of your shirt down. You two stood in front of the school’s main entrance with the nauseatingly bright fluorescent light bouncing off the reflective surface of the tiles. The orange tinted street lights lit up the sidewalk outside.

“(Y/n)-”

“I know what you’re gonna say.”

She scoffed, “oh really? What am I gonna say then, o wise one?”

You turned around to face her, “‘oh, this is bad, yadda yadda yadda.’ Everyone’s been saying that about it. Honestly it looks worse than it feels. Tis but a scratch, m’lady.”

She snorted and covered her mouth, “never call me ‘m’lady’ ever again.”

You started to walk to her car in the empty parking lot. “Or what? What’re ya gonna do?”

“I swear to god, (y/n), I’m gonna leave you here.”

“Do it, pussy. Bet you won’t.”

“You really wanna bet?”

You grinned at her, “hell yeah.”

She broke off into a mad dash to her car, laughing freely into the night sky. You chased after her trying not to move your arms much, your laugh mixing with hers like a perfect symphony composed of the world’s best musicians. The sound of your rubber soles slapping the pavement resonated throughout the parking lot as you quickly gained on her. Reaching out to grab her shirt, she smirked at you and sharply turned to the right into the grass.

You grinned as her pace slowed down slightly. You’d be able to catch her at this pace. You pushed your legs to move faster as she looked at you from over her shoulder and shrieked in surprise at how close you were to her. You cackled at her reaction, reaching out once again, you grabbed her hand. She was stopped dead in her tracks as your shoulder was yanked with the sudden momentum, making you hiss in slight pain. Despite that, you didn’t let go of her soft hand. 

You both stood there under the moonlight and the soft orange street lamps trying to  catch your breath. The slightly damp blades of grass tickled your ankle as you shifted to face her better. Through gasping breaths and a dopey grin, you said “you… lost, pussy.”

She let out a breathy laugh as she pulled you to her car. “Shuddup.”

“Make me~”

She opened the passenger side door for you and got into the driver's seat. Her car smelled like vanilla and citrus. “Oh, you will later when I make you do more sets in weight lifting tomorrow, hurt shoulder be damned.”

She turned on the ignition and the car revved to life, soft indie pop wafted from the speakers. She backed out of the parking space and sped off to the main road. “You wouldn’t…”

“I’m your captain, (y/n). I can make you do whatever I want.” You felt your cheeks heat up a tad. You were happy that she couldn’t see you.

“Naw, you’re too much of a softie for that. Admit it, I’ve got you wrapped around my little finger.”

She chuckled as she pulled into your driveway and put the car in park. “...Alright, maybe you do. Just a bit.”

She turned to look at you. She looked stunning with the shadows accentuating the contours of her face perfectly. You found yourself glancing at her lips and leaning slightly towards you. To your surprise, she started leaning into you as well. Before your lips could finally mesh together, she pulled back with a sigh and ran her hand through her hair. You felt a rush of disappointment and fear course through your veins. She didn’t like you like that, you should’ve known better. You were so stupid. So, so stu-

“I can’t (y/n). I want to kiss you so bad, but we can’t. Not yet at least. Not until we find the pervert that took those pictures of us.”

You sighed, “right.”

The car was filled with awkward silence. Not even the soft music streaming from the speakers could alleviate the awkwardness. God, you really screwed up your friendship, didn’t you? Sammy, Adrian, and Annie were right; you messed up everything you touched.

You coughed, “I think I’m gonna…”

“Yeah…”

You grabbed your bag and walked into your house, the smell of chicken slapping you in the face instantly. Without checking in with your dad, you hurried up the stairs, desperate for the warm comfort of your bed. That, and if you wanted to get Sammy’s presentation and Adrian’s, Annie’s, and your research papers done by Friday, you had to start as soon as you could. You were going to skip dinner for tonight, you’d just grab more breakfast tomorrow morning. 

You plopped on your bed and got started on your research paper. Luckily, you already had all of the sources you were planning on using and the rough outline of each body paragraph, so writing the actual paper wasn’t going to take long. You worked until you heard a knock at your door. 

“(Y/n),” Techno’s monotone voice called out, “dinner’s ready.”

“Tell Dad I’m not hungry. Practice’s got me beat, I’m going to bed soon.”

He grunted, “you know he’s not gonna like that right?”

You felt frustration start to swim circles around your chest, “Techno, just tell him that I’m not hungry right now. Please.”

“Damn, you don’t need to be like that. I’ll tell him.”

You heard his stomping footsteps thumping down the hall. Shit, you pissed him off. You were a terrible person, he was just trying to get you to eat something, Pushing back the tears that threatened to spill from your eyes, you forced the panic that was starting to swirl around your body in laps deep into your being. You didn’t have time to deal with your failures and stupid emotions, you had to get this done. You didn’t have time to think about Haley’s warm breath ghosting across your lips. You didn’t have time to think about how she probably regretted almost kissing you. You didn’t have time to fall into an anxiety spiral, you needed to focus if you wanted Adrian, Annie, and Sammy to forgive you. You ruined yours and Haley’s friendship and did the same to yours and Techno’s. They were the only ones you had left. You needed to be a better friend.

Taglist (comment if you want to be added or if I missed you, it won’t let me tag some tumblrs :((( ):

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[settersprouts]

꠵ look at me : chapter three ꠵

俗語。

"Mmm." Oikawa's chocolate colored eyes fluttered open, taking in the sunlight leaking in from behind the blinds. The first thing he noticed as he woke up was the fact that-

This isn't my room. The third-year setter sat up abruptly, looking around frantically. Was I kidnapped? Where am I? Where's Iwa-chan? Last thing I remember was- just then, his eyes laid to rest on a sleeping Iwaizumi, who had come to rest right next to him. He had his brawny arms around Oikawa's waist, his leg flung over like he was holding a big stuffed animal. A blush rose in Oikawa's cheeks, as he diverted his attention to anything but him. C'mon. Look somewhere else. Don't look at his cute- I mean- stupid face. He's going to kill you when he wakes up.

Oikawa tried slipping out of Iwaizumi's grasp, but failed miserably. Each time he got close to freeing himself, the other would groan and pull him closer. After a couple minutes of losing this miniature battle with Iwaizumi, he gave up and reached for his phone on the nightstand. The device turned on in his hand automatically since it sensed the motion, and a bunch of messages popped up on his lockscreen.

4 messages from ✨ Makki ✨

2 messages from ✬ Mattsun ✬

7 messages from ♡ Rooster-head ♡

Oikawa sighed, rubbing his temples. Just looking at the messages gives me a headache. He clicked on Kuroo's messages, not wanting to leave him waiting for the setter's reply any longer.

. .

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: oi, oikawa [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: how's it going [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: hey [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: you [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: heyyyyy [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: you there? [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: i heard what happened, how you holdin' up?

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: hey, kuroo. i'm fine, thanks for worrying though!

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: and that is how i know you're not fine- [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: you're using punctuation.

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: u H- why can't i use proper punctuation?

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: you can it's just, you don't.

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: you sir, are incredibly smart.

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: pff, i know right? so, wanna talk about it?

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: maybe. we can meet up soon?

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: sure. you're still coming to watch, right?

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: maybe, i dunno though. i hope karasuno n shiratorizawa both fail, though

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: LMAO you're messed up

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: could say the same about you

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: ah, got me there. i'll text you a restaurant location after my matches.[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: udon or ramen

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: udon

[from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: alright. i'll find someplace [from] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: imma get ready, ttyl

[to] ♡ʀᴏᴏꜱᴛᴇʀ-ʜᴇᴀᴅ♡: bye.

. .

Oikawa sighed once again, scrolling through the other messages he had from Matsukawa and Hanamaki. They didn't really differ from each other : it was just them asking where to meet up later for the qualifiers. He quickly texted them both an answer, saying Iwa would pick them up.

"Mmm." Iwaizumi groaned, making Oikawa's eyes flick over to his friend's face. "Oh. Morning, Kawa."

"Morning." Oikawa hummed in response, setting his phone aside to give Iwaizumi a quick hug. "Get ready, you're going to pick up Makki and Mattsun to watch the rest of the matches." Iwaizumi lifted his arm so Oikawa could leave his warm embrace, and blushed a bit when the setter started taking off his clothes.

"T-trashykawa, the hell are you doing?"

He turned around. "Changing. Is it okay if I use some of your clothes again? I'll wash them as soon as we get back, I promise. I just need something to wear when I walk home."

Iwaizumi nodded quickly. "Sure, whatever, just- hurry up and change already." A couple minutes passed of Oikawa looking through his closet when the gears in Iwaizumi's head started shifting. "Wait, walk home?"

Oikawa turned around, pulling on one of Iwaizumi's large Godzilla sweatshirts. "Mhm. My parents are already worried enough as is, I need to get home before they get even more pissed at me." He pulled off his shorts to reveal regular black boxer briefs, which caught Iwaizumi by surprise. He would've expected him to have alien-themed underwear. "I know it's not the smartest idea to be going home right now, that's why I'm just going to get some clothes and head out. I already called my brother, he said I can stay with him for a little while."

Iwaizumi's mouth formed an 'o' shape. "When are you moving in with him?"

"He'll be back in town next week. So, around then." Oikawa clucked his tongue, something suddenly coming to mind. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm going to an udon restaurant with Kuroo after his matches are over. Do you want to come with?"

"Sure." Iwaizumi stood up, changing into some clothes as well. As he was shrugging his jeans-jacket over his hoodie, he looked at Oikawa with an unreadable expression on his face. "You going to be okay? I can come with you when you're at your parent's house."

Oikawa waved his hands in dismissal. "No, no, that's okay. I think that'll just set them off again." He put his hands up over his head, stretching and cracking a couple of joints in the process. At every pop Iwaizumi flinched : ever since Oikawa's knee injury, he's been worried about every little unnatural noise that emitted from his bones and the rest of his body. Iwaizumi didn't want another repeat.

"Why would it set them off? They like me, right?"

"Of course they do. They'll probably assume I told you everything and that you're only there to call the cops on them and stuff." Oikawa shrugged. "Something like that. Don't mind, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi pouted a little bit, crossing his arms over his chest. "Fine. Call me if your folks try anything."

Oikawa smiled brightly at him, and it almost seemed like he was glowing. Like he was the sun itself. "Of course, Iwa."

⊱ ─ ‧̥̥͙⋅. ♔ .⋅‧̥̥͙ ─ ⊰

Water lopped at Oikawa's shoes as he started the tedious trek towards home. The faint pshhhhhh reached his ears, the rain splashing in puddles and lifting Oikawa's spirits. Normally, he hates rain since it usually meant practice would end way earlier then it was supposed to, but he liked walking in the rain, he liked the sound and the smell of the fresh dew. 'I should take Iwa-chan to the park next time it rains,' Oikawa thought. 'He'd like it, right?'

Once he reached his fairly-nice home, he shoved the key into the keyhole, jiggling the knob a little so it would unlock. The lock was a little stiff, so it needed a little push now and then. Once the door had swung open, he called out, trying to see if anyone was home. No answer. Good, I don't have to talk to the old man tonight. He skipped to his room, pulling a backpack out from his closet, as well as his gym bag, and starting packing. Clothes, some stuffies Iwa-chan had got him when they were younger, and the award he received back when he was at Kitagawa Daiichi were all set on the bed before he had to set them in the bag. He pulled one of the pillow sheets off of the pillow on his bed, wrapping the fabric around the award carefully. He didn't want it to get scratched or damaged in any other way when it was in his bag.

He pulled off the sweatshirt and shorts he borrowed from Iwa, dressing up in a white button-up shirt, and a creme-colored vest. He shrugged into a navy-blue suit top, pulling on a pair of brown khakis afterward.

Oikawa put on a pair of glasses, looking into the mirror and styling his hair a little bit. Not bad. Pulling out his phone, he sent a quick text to Iwaizumi, telling him he was ready to be picked up. The latter replied with a "👍," and Oikawa turned off his phone. He looked around his room a little more, packing up anything he might want to take with him. A photo album, his and Iwa's old shared journal, some picture frames containing priceless memories, and many other little trinkets he was given over the years.

A couple of minutes after he had set everything he wanted to take with him in his bag, he heard a loud honk in his driveway. That must be Iwa-chan!, Oikawa thought, grabbing his backpack and his gym bag, racing to the front door. Sure enough, Iwaizumi's car was parked out front, the man himself leaning on the hood. He perked up once he heard Oikawa's front door click shut, smiling a little bit at the sight before clearing his throat and glaring at the setter.

"About time." He muttered, causing Oikawa to roll his eyes a little.

"I didn't take that long." The latter retorted, opening the trunk and setting his belongings in carefully. "You waited for like, two minutes."

Iwaizumi scoffed. "So? I still have to pick up Matsukawa and Hanamaki."

"Mm."

The two third-years hopped in the car, putting on their seatbelts. Iwaizumi turned the key fob, making the engine start to sputter before it leveled out, and backed out of the driveway. Oikawa looked at the dash, noticing a phone propped up with the Maps app open and directing him. "You don't know where Makki and Mattsun live?"

"No, of course not. I've never been to either of their houses before." He replied, glancing at Oikawa. "Also, you look nice."

Oikawa turned to face him, his cheeks matching Iwa's. Both boys' faces were flushed, and they both seemed to turn their heads away from each other in unison when they noticed this. "Thanks." Oikawa mumbled a reply, twirling a lock of hair around his index finger. Iwaizumi smiled at this action. It was almost childish, and he was glad Oikawa hadn't changed at much as he thought he did.

"I haven't?" Iwaizumi snapped back to reality as Oikawa said this.

"Huh?"

"You said I didn't change all that much."

Iwaizumi blushed again, scratching the nape of his neck with one hand, the other safely holding the steering wheel of the vehicle. "I said that out loud didn't I?" Oikawa nodded. "Well, you haven't really. You might present yourself differently, but you still act like that annoying, crybaby dumbass I grew up with."

Oikawa huffed, crossing his arms and staring out the window. "You're so rude, you know that?"

"Whatever, Shittykawa."

"And vulgar!"

chapter 4 !

[gamerwoo]

Seventeen headcanon: Seventeen as mall workers

a/n: I’ve always lowkey wanted to do some sort of mall series but never actually had a solid plot so we gonna just do this instead. and Pentagon will be mentioned bc I wanna do one for them and I want them all to work in the same mall and no one can stop me 😤

-

Choi Seungcheol

currently works at GameStop

he quit his job at GNC a few months ago because he decided he hates working out

while he hates having to restock things or go into the back for stuff, he at least likes video games

definitely not the dude you want to end up yelling at on the phone

there have been so many times he’s had to give the phone off to Wonwoo or another co-worker because he would definitely lose his job

too high of a temper to work at GameStop tbh

but he knows what he’s talking about, so

has definitely recommended you games even before he worked in there

you’d just happen to be in there when he was and he’d notice you looking between two games and he’d tell you which one was better suited for you after asking what you normally play/what you like

now that he works there, he always puts in his two cents and will give you his discount on top of your own

-

Yoon Jeonghan

the current manager at Starbucks

he used to be the manager at American Eagle but he hated working there because retail sucks

unfortunately, the only other job he could snag was in -- you guessed it -- still retail

but at least he gets yelled at slightly less in Starbucks

and it’s probably only because he makes everyone else do things for him so he doesn’t have to

will take his sweet ass time making a drink

refuses to work the register

would rather stay off toward the back and make the drinks than deal with the people

always says he’s too busy to do things because he’s still training Yanan even though Yanan’s worked there longer than Jeonghan has

he’s also slightly salty at Yanan because he might be the better looking barista

one time he asked you if him or Yanan was cuter and you said him so he gave you your drink for free

refers to you as his “favorite customer”

-

Joshua Hong

works at Guitar Center

between him, Jihoon, and Jinho, he probably knows the least about instruments

pretty much only knows guitar things

but all he does is sit at the counter and play the guitar and sing

you are literally the only person who likes hearing him sing Sunday Morning

Jihoon told him to stop before he smashed the guitar over his head but you were in the store to kill time before your break ended and you said you were enjoying it

so Josh smirked and continued while Jihoon rolled his eyes

“’customer’s always right’ my ass...”

whenever you come in or he sees you walk by he’ll be like “got any requests?”

has offered to give you guitar lessons but you're always busy with work so you say “maybe another time”

but he continues to ask

-

Wen Junhui

works at the pet store downstairs

there hasn’t been a single time you’ve gone in there or walked past there and he wasn’t holding an animal in his arms

loves all the animals

also makes animal noises at the animals but it’s weird because he actually sounds like the animals

notices you come in to play with the animals during your break so now he always tries to get you to bring one home

“it’s not for the business, I just want them to find homes”

once got yelled at for actually getting in one of the puppy pens to play with them

-

Kwon Soonyoung

currently works at Hot Topic

the only reason being that store could not give less of a hell what goes on

he’s been fired from literally every other place at the mall

got fired from Starbucks for drinking too much coffee and shaking so badly all the time that he would spill drinks

fired from Build-A-Bear for exploding a bear with stuffing and making a child cry

fired from Bath & Body Works for dropping candles and spraying perfume in a customer’s mouth on accident

dropped and broke a guitar at Guitar Center

basically his last hope was Hot Topic but if Wooseok can work there and do absolutely nothing, Soonyoung was safe working there

he does attempt to do his job, it’s just that when it comes to basically existing, he’s bad at it

knocks things over, trips on things, is the loudest thing in the store

but he’s friendly and he does his job so who can complain

-

Jeon Wonwoo

the manager at GameStop

the youngest one working there but he’s in charge

usually the one to deal with the shitty customers but Wonwoo is thankfully good at containing his anger

well, at least until he hangs up the phone or the person is gone

goes in the back to yell about it to whoever is back there, even if they’re listening or not

Shinwon and Seungcheol give him a hard time for being the manager and always laugh and go “glad we’re not you!”

but he does love his job because he gets to work with video games

lowkey not very good with the girls who ask him for help though

gets blushy and can’t look them in the eyes

actually he’s really shy with people in general so tbh he’s always somewhat flustered

but he’s always feels happy when he helps someone find a new game or something so he likes his job

he’s usually the one who checks you out at the register and he’s the one who signed you up for a rewards card because you were in there so often

you don’t know this but before the rewards card, he would just give you his discount because you were literally always getting games or stuffed animals or pop figures from there

-

Lee Jihoon

the manager at Guitar Center

again, the youngest at his store, but the one in charge

his assistant manager, Jinho is slightly angry about it

but Jihoon knows everything about everything

any instrument you need fixed or need info on, he’s your guy

he comes off as very serious and not too friendly, but if you make him crack a smile, he suddenly seems super approachable

if he sees you having lunch at the food court when he’s on his break, he joins you sometimes

“you don’t give me a headache”

you assume that’s a compliment

some customers don’t take him seriously because they’re rude and assume he’s “a child”

but of course he schools their asses in his knowledge of instruments, so

sometimes his work is so satisfying lmao

-

Lee Seokmin

works at Bubble Bee

between him and Kino, it’s no wonder they get a lot of business

they’re both so cute and sweet and smiley

there was a short period of time where Soonyoung worked there and tbh those two were a mess

suddenly they only shared one braincell and poor Kino was stuck cleaning up their messes

but Seokmin and Kino work well together

not to mention Seok looks really adorable in the uniforms

always makes really good bubble tea

likes when the straw color matches the color of the drink though

you’ve never spoken to him much but he’s always smiling and cracking jokes and tbh you’re soft for him

-

Kim Mingyu

he was hired at GNC like, a month ago

he used to work at Starbucks but he got fired

because even though he made good coffee, the poor big idiot is clumsy as hell and kept spilling things and dropping things and knocking things over

Hongseok and Matthew knew him sorta so Matthew decided to hire him

he doesn’t really know what he’s doing but it’s fine

Hongseok’s training him while Matthew does most of the work since he’s manager

people started calling them the Big Tiddy Committee which you think is kinda funny

he’s usually in there when you go in to hang out with Hongseok and he’s really sweet

a lil dumb, but sweet

-

Xu Minghao

works at Lush

he originally planned to work at Sephora because he’s good with like, fashion and stuff

but he didn’t feel like dealing with that and Lush seemed less...annoying

he does seem kinda quiet and a little cold at first because he doesn’t really smile a whole lot except when politely greeting someone

but it’s easy to make him laugh

and he has a cute laugh and a really pretty smile

so when you first went in there to get a bath bomb and he asked if you needed help, you were really tempted to just say you were just looking

but you let him help and you got to talking and Minghao was really sweet

sometimes he has lunch with you, too because you just like talking to him

you found out he’s friends with Jun from the pet store and Yanan from Starbucks

it seems like a weird group of friends but hey, you also thought Minghao was a lot colder than he turned out to be

he always texts you when your favorite items are in stock and he may or may not use his discount and set them aside for you to pick up

“cash app me later it’s fine”

-

Boo Seungkwan

works at Sephora

he really wants to do makeovers but he’s not allowed to lmao

mostly just works the register and like lowkey judges everyone’s makeup

he will hype the hell out of you if he thinks you did something well

“your eyeliner is insanely sharp, oh my god”

“your eye shadow is beautiful!”

“that lipstick color looks so good with your skin tone”

has no frickin idea what to do with his discount because he doesn’t wear makeup

you once went in there and asked him for help and he just blinked at you and went “okay, let me find someone who knows what they’re doing”

at least he’s honest

-

Chwe Hansol

works at FYE

makes playlists to play at work in the store

literally just always vibing

the chillest worker in the entire mall tbh

one time he helped his manager, Hui make you a mixtape because you were looking for new music

so then he got interested and started talking to you as well about music

at this point, you’re going to befriend the whole store

looks like he doesn’t do much because he’s usually sitting at the counter and vibing

but he loves helping out customers and picking out music for them or fining things for them

he just loves to help out and talk about music

-

Lee Chan

works at American Eagle

when you see him in those jeans, you get it

he’s like a walking billboard because damn he looks r e a l n i c e

usually working the sales floor so folding and getting things from the back if someone can’t find a size

doesn’t work the register too often

so whenever you go in, he’s usually who greets you at the door with his beautiful smile

honestly he just looks like he should be working at that kind of store y’know? he fits

he doesn’t mind the job even though Jeonghan couldn’t stand it

despite that, he still is human and understand that shit is expensive

and since he recognizes you as a fellow mall worker, he sometimes goes up to the store you work at and let’s you know when they’re having special sales and stuff

[stayndays]

hi! i might as well give an update on how i’ve been.

my family’s all better now! i haven’t had a headache in days, and i spend most of my time playing app games and reading fanfic (and hanging out with my birb)

my motivation is still hiding from me though, so you might not see another guess where update for another week or two. this also includes any other blurbs i need to post. i hope you understand!

that’s it! i’m kinda lonely these days so feel free to come and talk to me in my inbox! have a good day ^^

(that’s pebble, he sleeps all the time lmao)

[phantasticworks]

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Nine

Hi everyone!! Thank you so much for all the lovely comments on the last chapter, it literally makes me so happy to see everyone enjoying this story so far! <3 I hope you all are staying safe and taking care of yourselves in quarantine!!

read on ao3

Words: 10.7k

Summary: The twins have their first day of school and Dan and Phil find out some new information about their family. 

Warnings for this chapter: Swearing, mentions of past trauma (but very subtle)

Surprisingly, Dan manages to get through a few hours of work without any serious incidents reported to him, but every chance he gets, he checks his phone for any new messages. Eventually, he opens it to find something he constitutes as a mild emergency and decides to take a break to give it his full attention.

Phil: So I have a tiny headache the twins will be fine if I go have a lie down for a bit yeah?

Dan: are you feeling dizzy?

Phil: Not really? Just tired and my eyes hurt.

Dan: take your contacts out and go have a nap

Phil: Yeah?

Dan: yeah they should be fine i hope you feel better

Phil: :)

He doesn’t text Phil back, his stomach twisting with nerves at the thought that Phil is there alone with the kids with a headache. He wasn’t so worried about him not being able to take care of the kids, but he was very concerned about the migraine. Phil’s doctor had already warned him to not overwork himself. Suddenly Dan starts wondering if he’s been putting too much of his own work on Phil.

Dan worries himself about this for the next half hour or so, but when his phone dings, he welcomes the distraction.

Phil: The kids are literally playing so loud. Like they’re perfectly fine but they’re in their room and they’re like SCREAMING

Dan: just put in some headphones and drown them

Dan: OUT drown them OUT

Dan: Do not drown our children.

Phil: LMAO

Phil: Stop making me laugh it’s making my head hurt more.

Dan: :( im sorry love. I’ll be home soon to take care of you

Phil: Don’t be silly, I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.

Dan: im going to pretend you didnt just try and pass up my servitude

Dan: dont be noble or whatever you know i dont mind taking care of you

Phil: I know. Thank you.

Dan: if you feel like getting up take some medicine and maybe put a movie on upstairs for the kids? I should be home in an hour

Phil: Alright. See you later.

Dan: <3

Dan hurries to finish the document he’s working on, and he’s out of the office within half an hour. He stops at a shop and grabs some chocolate and a pack of little marshmallows that Phil likes, mainly just to cheer him up, since it wasn’t a cure for a migraine by a longshot. He considers getting takeaway, but he knows they’ve already agreed to stop doing that so much, for the kids’ sake.

When he gets home, the flat is mostly quiet, only the soft sound of the TV drifting down the stairs. He toes his shoes off quietly before making his way to his bedroom, the door left slightly ajar. The light is off, but there’s a lump under the duvet in the form of his best friend. He can tell from his breathing and the tense set of his shoulders that he’s not asleep, as hard as he’s probably trying to do just that.

“Phil?” Dan murmurs, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed.

Phil rolls over, his eyes finding Dan in the darkness of the room. “Hey,” he rasps out. Dan studies him, frowning when he notes how red Phil’s eyes look.

“Did you take your contacts out?” He asks, his voice bordering on accusing.

“Yes.”

“Have you… Were you crying?” Dan asks softly.

Phil hesitates before shrugging, wincing a little at the movement. “My head just really hurts,” he breathes.

Dan’s heart squeezes painfully seeing the pain Phil is going through. “Oh, love,” he sighs. He stands up, moving towards the bathroom. “Hold on, let me get something.” He runs a cloth under hot water, squeezing the water out to use it as a hot compress. They really needed to invest in some of those, honestly. “Here,” he says softly, brushing Phil’s hair off his forehead and playing the towel gently over his forehead. “Wait right here, I’m going to get you some coffee.”

“I don’t really-”

“I know, babe, but you know it helps. You don’t have to drink all of it, yeah?”

He watches Phil’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallows. “Okay,” he whispers, his eyes closing.

Dan hurries to the kitchen and quickly makes Phil a cup of coffee, racking his brain for anything else that might help him. He comes up short, so when the coffee is ready, he takes it back to their bedroom. “Sit up for me?” Phil follows his instructions and reaches out for the mug, his hands shaking more than usual. “I’ll hold it,” Dan mumbles.

After Phil’s sipped all he can handle, Dan allows him to lay back down. “I’m going to go check on the kids and I’ll be right back, okay?”

Surprising him, Phil shakes his head a little. “No, I just- I need to sleep,” he says pleadingly.

Dan hesitates, but nods uncertainly. “Okay. I’ll shut the door, then… But you have to text me if you need anything.”

“I will,” Phil agrees.

Nodding, Dan moves to leave the room, pausing when he hears Phil’s voice again. “Hm?”

“I said thank you.”

His heart melting, Dan walks back over and presses a kiss to Phil’s cheek. “Of course,” he murmurs. “Get some sleep, yeah?”

Phil only nods, his eyes closing again, his eyelashes fluttering. Dan hopes sleep finds him easily this time, and he really hopes he has the best dreams.

Dan finds his way upstairs and spends some time with the twins, who are very worried about Phil apparently. He assures them that he’s fine, and they watch a movie quietly before Dan heads back downstairs to start dinner and check on Phil. He stops in their room first, quietly opening the door and slipping inside.

“Phil?” He calls softly.

Phil doesn’t stir, and Dan quietly tiptoes over, finding the towel discarded on the floor. He notices that Phil’s coffee cup is a little emptier, which he takes as a good sign. He smiles a little, but what really warms him is when he studies Phil. He’s not on his own side of the bed this time. Instead, he’s migrated over to Dan’s and he’s got Dan’s pillow wrapped in his arms, his nose buried in the fabric. A tiny part of Dan wonders if feeling closer to him helped Phil sleep. He finds that he likes that idea quite a lot. However, it’s a stupid thought, and he discards it quickly.

He presses his hand gently to Phil’s forehead to check for a temperature. Luckily, he feels fine, maybe even a bit chilly. Dan tugs the duvet over him, making sure he doesn’t get cold. With another lingering look, he tiptoes out of the room to go make dinner for everyone, a secret grin on his lips.

~~~

The night before the first day of school was rough. For Dan, at least. The kids were surprisingly excited to be starting at such a good school, and Phil was excited that they were excited. Dan, however, was a bit of a nervous wreck. He knew there was no reason for him to be particularly nervous, but those first-day-of-school jitters had never left him for some reason, and even now that it wasn’t his first day at a new school, he still felt anxiety swelling up in his chest the night before.

“Could you turn your volume down a bit, love?” Phil mumbles from his spot on the bed beside Dan.

Dan startles a bit, not realizing that Phil was still awake and could hear the music he was playing on his phone. “Sorry,” he whispers back, turning the volume down a couple notches.

Phil hums and there’s a moment of quiet before there’s a shifting on the mattress, accompanied by a weight pressing down on Dan’s waist, in the form of Phil’s arm. “Are you going to sleep tonight?” Phil murmurs against the shell of Dan’s ear.

Shivering lightly at the brush of his lips, Dan shrugs. “Maybe. Can’t sleep right now. Too anxious.”

“Yeah?” Phil responds. “Wanna talk about it?”

Dan mulls it over before shrugging, unconsciously allowing his hand to fall to Phil’s arm, where he begins stroking gently. “I don’t want the kids to get bullied. I’m afraid that if anyone asks about their parents or their home life, they’ll tell them they’re living with us.”

Phil seems to pause to take this in. “And you don’t want anyone knowing that they live with us?” He sounds confused, and he has every right to, because Dan’s not quite sure that’s it, but he’s even less sure about how he wants to describe it.

“No, it’s not that, I just… I don’t want them to get made fun of, for us. Like, for having two dads? I know we aren’t- I don’t really know how to describe it.” Dan lets out a frustrated huff, his anxiety about the whole thing making it even harder to formulate a cohesive thought about it.

“I think I get it, Dan. You don’t want the kids to have to deal with those little homophobic twats that they’ll inevitably encounter. But, we can’t do anything about someone else’s kids and their homophobia, Dan. What we can do is raise ours to be compassionate and accepting, you know?” Phil strokes his thumb against Dan’s hipbone, lightly raking his t-shirt up with every stroke.

Completely without his permission, tears spring to Dan’s eyes, and he knows that he’s likely going to start sobbing if Phil doesn’t change the subject soon. Something else prickles at the back of his mind then, and he can’t help but stop the movement of his hand against Phil’s arm in contemplation. “You say “ours” an awful lot now,” he comments.

Phil stiffens, and his movement against Dan’s skin slows to a stop. “Is that a problem?” he asks cautiously.

Dan can feel his face heating up, and he ducks his head, pretending to be focused on his phone, where the Spotify app is still quietly playing music. “No… I like it. It makes me feel like we’re really a family.” The words are whispered, and Dan almost wishes he’d muffled them against his arm.

There’s a breath of quiet laughter then, followed by the feeling of Phil fully relaxing against Dan’s back. “We are.”

Dan turns off his Spotify playlist and locks his phone, tossing it onto his nightstand for the night. There’s a brief flare of uncertainty that Phil might not appreciate the closeness, but Dan pushes that thought away and presses himself back, snuggling into Phil’s warmth.

Phil hums, a content noise that resonates through Dan’s body in their closeness, and Dan smiles in response. “Night,” he whispers, closing his eyes.

“Night, bear.” There’s definitely a kiss pressed to the back of his head, but for once Dan doesn’t feel like he should pretend he didn’t notice. He doesn’t call him out on it, but when he feels Phil’s breathing evening up behind him, he tugs the hand Phil had settled on his waist, lifting it gently to press a kiss to his palm.

It’s nothing, he reminds himself firmly as he allows himself to drift to sleep. It was just a little selfish moment. Everyone is a little selfish once in awhile.

~~~

“Bear? It’s time to get up, come on, I made breakfast.” The voice was too close to Dan’s ear, and it made him whine in protest, squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbles, rolling over to speak into his pillow.

Phil laughs, and a second later Dan feels Phil’s hands carding through his hair. “Daniel,” he says firmly.

Dan groans, tilting his head enough to open one eye. Phil’s face is close, and there’s a soft sort of smile on his face. “Don’t use your dad voice on me.”

“My what?” Phil says through a laugh.

Rolling his eyes, Dan rolls over onto his back, tossing his head over to the side and pressing his forehead against Phil’s thigh. “You know. Your dad voice. That’s exactly how you talk to the kids when you’re pretending to be stern.” His voice is slightly muffled into Phil’s pajama pants, and he ignores the way that feels slightly inclined to press his lips to the flannel.

“I do not!” Phil protests, tugging on Dan’s curls.

“Ow,” Dan whines. “You do, but I’ll let you keep thinking that you don’t.”

Phil huffs loudly. “Whatever. It’s time to get up, the kids are already eating their breakfast, and you need to get up.”

“Ugh, fine.” Despite his half-assed agreement, Dan makes no move to get out of the bed. He thinks he’s gotten away with this when he feels the bed shifting with Phil’s weight, and he snuggles back into the blankets, allowing his eyes to drift shut.

“I’ve gotten the kids’ lunch- Dan!” Phil’s voice pitches up an octave, as he apparently realizes that Dan has yet to get out of bed.

“What? I’m going, I’m going,” He whines, rolling over to face the opposite way. “I just need… a few more minutes…”

“Daniel James, if you aren’t out of that bed in one minute, there will be consequences.” Phil’s voice is hard, and Dan can tell he’s likely getting annoyed, and maybe not in a joking way.

Grumbling under his breath, Dan rolls out of bed, coming to stand in front of Phil. “I’m up, don’t get your knickers in a wad.” He crosses his arms over his chest, which probably just proves how childish he’s being.

Phil tilts his head, a soft look in his eyes. “You’re…” He stops himself, and Dan arches an eyebrow.

“I’m what?”

Without so much as another word, Phil steps forward, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist and pressing his lips to his forehead sweetly. “You’re being a brat, but I know you’re tired, so I’ll let you be grumpy. Pancakes are on the table.”

Dan doesn’t even have a moment to reply before Phil is stepping away, out the bedroom door as if he hadn’t spoken at all.

Shaking his head slowly, Dan makes his way over to the bathroom. After a quick wee, he washes his hands and makes his way to the kitchen, the scent of pancakes leading him in. He needs to shower, but pancakes are far more important to him right now, and he knows he should eat first anyway. The sound of voices makes him smile, especially when he recognizes Phil’s, telling the kids that they can go wild with the toppings.

“Don’t get them jacked up on sugar, Phil, we don’t want their poor teachers to have breakdowns on the first day of school,” Dan says, rolling his eyes as he enters the kitchen, bumping Phil’s hip as he goes over to the coffee pot.

Phil glances over at him, shrugging innocently. “I did nothing. I’m just an innocent bystander, honestly.”

Dan quirks a brow at him as he pours himself a cup of coffee, his gaze sliding over to the twins, who are both hiding smiles as they pile treats atop their pancakes. He shoots Phil a pointed look, and the older man’s face flushes. “Mhm,” Dan hums disbelievingly.

“Come on, Dan! It’s the first day of school! They deserve to have a good breakfast for that,” Phil protests, holding his hands together as if he’s praying. He puts on his best pitiful expression, clearly begging for mercy with his breakfast shenanigans.

Rolling his eyes at the ridiculous expression on his best friend’s face, Dan pushes past him, going to sit at the table. “Fine, but you have to do the dishes when we’re done.” At Phil’s answering pout, Dan shakes his head. “Nope, not gonna work. They’re going to be all sticky, and you’ve created this mess, bub.”

“Fine,” Phil sighs petulantly, dropping into the chair beside Dan. “I guess I can do the dishes.”

Dan smiles sweetly. “I guess you can too. Now, let me see those marshmallows.”

After eating too much of a too-sweet breakfast, Dan sends the kids to get ready for school, calling after them to remember to brush their teeth and wash the syrup off their faces. He takes one glance at the state of the dining table and decides to take pity on Phil. Sighing, he begins gathering up all of their condiments and moving to go place them in the cupboards where they belong.

“Did you change your mind about the dishes by any chance?” Phil asks sweetly, smiling with his tongue poking between his teeth.

Dan rolls his eyes at the suggestion. “Nope. But if I don’t put these up, you’ll probably eat them as soon as I turn my back.”

Phil mumbles something that’s probably a protest, but Dan dutifully ignores him. “Can we do a family picture with the kids before they leave?” He asks suddenly, turning away from where he’d begun washing their dishes.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Dan replies slowly. “What made you think of that?” He asks softly, moving to place some of the sweets in a cupboard beside Phil. He stays there even after he’s closed the door, leaning his back against the counter and facing Phil, his arms crossed.

“I don’t know, I just…” Phil shrugs helplessly then, looking a little lost for whatever reason. “I want to remember those kinds of things, you know? Like, this is our first assignment, and I want to have memories of them when they go back home, or… wherever,” Phil’s voice drops off, and Dan can tell the idea bothers him just as much.

Pulse suddenly racing, Dan steps behind him, cautiously looping his arms around Phil’s waist and setting his chin on the older man’s shoulder. “I know it’s tough to think about them going home,” he whispers.

Inconveniently, his heart rate picks up further, jackhammering into the other man’s shoulder blades.

There’s a hand in his hair then, fingers threading through the curls. “It’s their first day of school with us,” Phil says helplessly. “I’m so excited for them, but...” His voice sounds froggy and snotty, and Dan has never related more.

“Yeah,” Dan breathes out softly.

Dan doesn’t let the hug linger. He extricates himself from Phil’s personal bubble and fusses with his hair instead of pulling him closer, holding him longer. Phil’s gaze darts to him for a moment, but he drops it back to the dishes in the sink. A glance at the clock confirms that he needs to hurry up and shower if he’s going to make it to work on time. “I have to shower, sorry.” He’s not sure what he’s apologizing for, other than for the firm set of Phil’s mouth as he putters with the dishware.

When he finishes showering, he hurries to get dressed so he can go put together lunch for himself and the kids, running through a mental list in his head of all the things he needed to remember to grab before he left. He’s a little more stressed than he’d anticipated, but he’s sure that when they’re in the car he’ll feel less nervous. He just needed to get everything together first, and then he’d be fine.

He stumbles into the kitchen as he tugs on a black sock, not paying attention to his surroundings. When he trips over his own foot, he’s fully prepared to go crashing to the floor and probably die or something, but before he can, he feels himself being caught.

“You need to slow down or you’re going to kill yourself,” Phil laughs, steadying him by his shoulders. It’s a completely different Phil than the one he had left in the kitchen twenty minutes before.

“I’m in a hurry!” Dan pulls the sock on with one final tug and hops deftly out of Phil’s lingering touch, headed for the twins’ lunchboxes.

Except they’ve vanished.

He stops, squinting at the empty space on the counter. He knew for a fact that he’d left them right there, and now they were just… gone. What the hell?

He whirls around, his eyes flittering around the room as he struggles to locate them.

“Looking for something?” Phil asks.

“Yeah, the fucking-“ Dan pauses as he glances over at Phil, something in his voice striking his interest.

Phil rolls his eyes before shooting a pointed glance over at the edge of the table, where the lunchboxes were sitting neatly with the twins’ backpacks and Dan’s laptop bag.

“Oh,” Dan says slowly, a little confused. “Did you-?” He hesitates, looking over to Phil with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, I packed lunch. Yours too.” Phil nods back to the table then, and Dan’s gaze catches on the extra lunchbox on the table.

Dan’s inconvenient heart is warm. “Oh,” he repeats, sort of lost now that he has nothing to do. “Thank you.”

Phil grins at him. “I told you there were things I could do.”

Dan rolls his eyes at this, crossing his arms as Phil moves away from the refrigerator. “I never said you couldn’t,” Dan reminds him helpfully.

“Yeah, well,” Phil shrugs then. “Your mum,” he mutters, quite predictably.

Dan giggles, but before he can bant back, they hear the sound of feet running toward the kitchen. “No running in the house, guys!” Dan calls, smirking when the sound of the stampede quiets immediately. Phil rolls his eyes at this, but smiles broadly at the kids when they walk in. “Everyone ready for school?” He asks brightly, his optimism infectious.

The twins nod excitedly, and Amelia quickly moves to put her backpack on. “I’m ready to go!” She says excitedly.

“Hold on just a second, Mia, Dan and I want to get some pictures of you and your brother on your first day of school,” he says, gesturing for her to put her backpack back on the table.

“Where do you want them to stand?” Dan asks, moving to stand closer to Phil and handing him his phone that had been on the edge of the table.

“Hmm… Balcony, maybe? That would be a nice background,” Phil suggests, nodding to the patio behind them.

Dan nods, gesturing for the kids to go ahead of him. “Go stand beside the plant out there, that’ll look nice.” He ushers them over to it and positions them in front of it, straightening Jaiden’s little tie as he does. “There we go. Mia, did you brush your hair this morning?”

Amelia nods, running a hand through it to prove that it’s tangle-free. “Yes!”

“Good, I’ll spray some hairspray in it before we go- are they good, Phil?” Dan interrupts himself to ask, stepping back and studying their poses with a curious eye.

Phil nods, tugging on Dan’s shirt. “Yeah, now get out of the way a little,” he teases as he brings the phone up to snap some photos. “Alright, say school!”

The kids grin and say the word simultaneously, and Dan’s heart is filled with warmth at how genuinely excited they seem, though his stomach churned at the idea that their school experience might turn out like his. He reminds himself that things are different, times have changed and schools must be better. Hopefully he’s right.

“Alright, selfie time!” Phil announces, tugging on Dan’s arm to drag him over beside the children.

“What?” He asks, trying to hold his laughter in.

“I want pictures of all of us, too!” He rolls his eyes as if it’s the most obvious thing, but doesn’t give Dan any more time to protest, as he’s crouching down and holding the phone out. “Well come on, Dan we don’t have all day,” he says, gesturing for Dan to copy his pose.

A warm feeling floods his chest at the idea of this, these family pictures that really don’t even begin to showcase all that they had to go through to be in these children’s lives. He smiles for the camera, but he can feel the emotion welling up in his chest as he waits for Phil to give them another arbitrary word to say for the picture.

As soon as they’re finished with the pictures, Dan sends the kids to get their backpacks and lunchboxes, turning to look at Phil, who’s scrolling through the pictures with a smile. “Send me those?” He requests softly. Phil glances up at him, his lips falling into a smaller, more affectionate smile.

“Of course,” he replies. “C’mere.”

Before Dan can protest, Phil latches onto his shirt and tugs him closer, opening his camera app and holding his phone out. “What-” Dan starts, glancing between Phil and the phone.

“I wanted a selfie of just us,” Phil says in lieu of an explanation.

Dan is staring at the side of his head, ruining any chance of a good selfie probably, as he considers how genuinely sweet his best friend is. Uncomfortably aware of the camera on him, Dan leans forward, pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek. He hears the shutter of the camera, but he doesn’t even care, tilting his head to smile and flick out a peace sign at it for a proper selfie.

There’s another click before Phil drops his arm, tapping the photos to get a better look at them. A smile tugs at his lips as Dan watches his face. “These are good,” he says softly. He lingers on the first one a little longer than the second but locks his phone and clears his throat after a moment, locking eyes with Dan. “C’mon, time for school.” He leads the way back inside, disappearing down the hallway to allow Dan some space to get his things together.

A few moments later and Dan’s ready to go, and he walks down the hall to find the kids waiting beside the door, listening to Phil, who’s crouched in front of them and speaking quietly. Dan can’t catch his words at first, but when he gets closer he realizes that Phil is telling them what he packed for their lunch and what to do if they don’t understand something in class. “You can raise your hand if you don’t understand, or just wait and ask me or Dan when you get home, and we’ll try to explain, okay? Make sure to use good manners with all your teachers and find good kids to be friends with.”

Dan smiles at Phil as he stops to listen to him, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms as he watches the twins react to his words. Amelia nods eagerly, but Jaiden’s eyes flicker away from Phil and over to Dan mid-lecture, a little grin making its way onto his face. Phil seems to pick up on this, and he tosses a quick glance over his shoulder at Dan, an apologetic look on his face. “Don’t let me interrupt you,” Dan gestures for him to continue. “You’re giving them some solid advice, I’ll be quiet until you’re finished.”

Phil shakes his head and stands, bringing a hand up to the back of his neck and looking a little awkward. “No, I was finished, actually. Got your keys and your phone?” He asks, turning around to face Dan.

“Yeah, Dad, I’ve got all my stuff,” Dan rolls his eyes, giving the kids a cheeky grin as he speaks.

Phil gives Dan an unamused stare. “Alright, Smarty Pants,” he grumbles. “Have a good day at work, be careful driving.”

Dan nods in response and goes to open the door. “C’mon, kiddos, time for school.”

Jaiden turns to follow Dan, but Amelia immediately moves towards Phil. Dan almost calls her back before he realizes what she’s doing.

Phil looks up at Dan in shock as Amelia wraps her arms around his waist in a hug. “Bye, Phil, I hope you have a lovely day,” she says sweetly.

An odd look covers Phil’s face as he looks down at her, and Dan almost worries that he might start crying. But then he’s grinning and petting her hair affectionately. “I’ll be fine, Mia, I’ve got to go to work later too, you know.”

Amelia nods at this and lets go of him, and Dan watches in mild surprise as Jaiden takes her place. He’d seemed the less affectionate of the two of them. Still, Jaiden seems completely comfortable going over to give Phil a hug in the same manner as his sister had, squeezing Phil tightly with a small smile. “Bye Phil, see you later.”

“Bye guys, love you, have a good day,” Phil calls after them as they move past Dan and out the door, his eyes catching Dan’s gaze. His face appears a little pinker, and Dan wonders if it has anything to do with the likely incredibly fond look that he’s shooting him right now. “What?” He says defensively, the color on his cheeks darkening when Dan only smirks.

“Nothing,” Dan sings, shaking his head as he moves out the door. “You’re just being a good dad and I’m proud of you,” he admits more quietly, the grin on his face softening into a genuine smile.

Phil rolls his eyes at this, but Dan can tell he’s fighting a smile. “Go, before you’re late.” He shoves Dan’s shoulder gently, moving him out the door faster.

“I’m going, I’m going. See you later.”

“Text me when you get to work,” is the last thing Phil says before closing the door behind Dan.

The twins are standing patiently, and Amelia has a toothy grin on her face. “What?” He asks her somewhat defensively, a little embarrassed at the playful scene they’d just witnessed.

Amelia only shrugs then, holding her hand out for Dan to take like he normally does to lead them to the garage. “You’re bein’ a good dad too,” she says simply, holding her other hand out for Jaiden, although he just shoves it away. Amelia frowns and moves to grab his hand anyway, and he slaps her hand this time.

“Jai, don’t hit your sister,” Dan says half-heartedly, his heart still jumping at the sweet thing she’d just said to him.

Jaiden reluctantly takes his sister’s hand, and a smile lights up her face as they move into the elevator. Dan allows her to press the button for the garage, watching with amusement at the relief that floods Jaiden’s face when she drops his hand. Sneakily, he moves around to Dan’s other side, tucking his hands into his pockets. He shoots a glance up at Dan and gives him a sheepish look, but Dan only winks at him. He understood the need for personal space, and honestly they were big enough not to need to hold his hand walking from the elevator to the car in a secluded parking garage, anyway.

The drive to the school is full of excited chatter from the backseat, and Dan tunes out of their conversation for the most part, spending most of his mental energy on running through a mental list of things he needed to do when he got to work, as well as thinking about where he needed to take the twins when he got them to their building. It seems like the drive was way too short by the time they get to the primary school, and Dan’s stomach churns with nerves for the children as he sees all the other parents leading their kids in. He hopes and prays that they’re okay today, and he hopes his wishes are heard by someone, somewhere.

“Are you two going to be embarrassed if I walk you inside?” Dan asks, hoping they say no.

Luck must be on his side, because both of them shake their heads before insisting they want him to walk them inside. This time, he makes both of them take one of his hands to walk them inside, talking quietly about how much fun they’re going to have and how he can’t wait to hear all about their day when they get home. “And I’ll be here waiting for you guys as soon as school’s over, okay? And you can tell me all about your day and what you did, alright?”

The twins both nod and mumble their affirmatives, but Dan can tell they’re getting antsy and ready to go. Out of the corner of his eye, Dan sees Esme, the counselor of the primary school. He smiles at her, and she responds with a wave as she makes her way over.

“Dan Howell! I thought that was you, but I wasn’t so sure. I almost forgot that you had two little ones in school this year!” She says pleasantly, smiling broadly at the twins.

“Yep, this is Amelia and Jaiden,” he tells her, nodding to each of them as he says their names.

Esme crouches down and smiles at them. “I’m Miss Esme. I’m the counselor here, and an old friend of Mr. Howell’s.” She winks at Dan then, and he tries to hide a grimace as his stomach churns uncomfortably. He’d almost forgotten the reason he didn’t care much for her, but there it was, the blatant flirtation, despite the fact that she was at work.

The twins move slightly closer to Dan, a little shy about a new person he was sure. He tries to smile apologetically at Esme. “They’re just a little shy at first. They’re very excited to meet their teachers, though,” He informs her, squeezing their little hands reassuringly. He hopes they know that they’re safe here, and he really hopes he’s not wrong about assuming that.

“Oh, I bet! Well, I can take them, if you’re off to work?” She says helpfully, standing up and smiling at Dan. Without giving him a chance to respond, she reaches up and runs a hand down his arm, leaning in a little closer. “I know you’ve probably got a lot to do.”

Dan forces a smile onto his face. “No, thank you.”

“No, really! It’s no problem, I’m sure you don’t have time to go get their schedules and find their classrooms and everything. Believe me, I get it, single parenting and everything, and the first day of school is always just the worst,” Esme smiles knowingly, probably assuming that she’s doing him a favor. She holds her hands out as if to take the twins’ hands, but they shrink back closer to him. If she notices this, she doesn’t respond to it.

“No, actually-“ Dan realizes something then as he replays her wording over in his head again. She must have no idea that he’s not a single parent. The idea that she’s just assuming he’s still single is for some reason hilarious to him even though technically, secretly, it’s true. “My fiancé and I got their schedules and everything early and we’ve actually already memorized them, so I think we’re good, actually.” He tries not to sound smug, he really does.

Esme’s face falls at his words, and Dan watches in amusement as she seems to process what exactly this means. “Oh, your… Oh.” She says, deflating.

“Yeah, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to go ahead and take them to their class, but it was great to catch up with you!” Dan nods to her as he begins leading the twins away. “See you later!” He calls as he leads them down the corridor.

“Does she like you?” Amelia asks almost as soon as they’re out of earshot of the woman.

Dan shushes her gently before shrugging. “I don’t know,” He lies. He did know, she’d been flirting with him for years, and had asked him out more than once. He’d always politely declined. There was nothing wrong with her, of course, she was a beautiful, smart woman. Dan just never felt anything for her, and he didn’t want to lead her on or anything. A small part of him is relieved that now he has a valid excuse to get her to go away now, but an even bigger part of him is just weirdly pleased that he gets to claim Phil somehow, even though he knows it isn’t real.

“I think she likes you,” Jaiden chimes in, looking up at Dan with a funny look on his face. “Do you like her too?”

Dan’s mouth drops open at the question, more than a little surprised by it. “What? No, I don’t- I’m engaged to Phil, guys. Do you know what that means?” Amelia shrugs after a moment of consideration, and Jaiden shakes his head. Dan swallows down the bitter taste in his mouth at the lie he’s about to spin to these children. “It means someday we’re going to get married.” His throat burns with the lie, but he chokes it out in spite of himself. “So, no, I don’t like Esme.”

“You like Phil?” Amelia asks, as if she’s just double checking.

Dan nods, hoping this conversation comes to an end soon. “Yep. Just Phil.”

“Huh,” Amelia hums. “Can we go to the park after school?” She asks when they reach the classroom door, completely changing the subject.

Dan lets out a loud laugh at this, not surprised that her child attention-span didn’t want to linger on the whole Phil situation. He wasn’t sure how much more convincingly he could lie about that. “We’ll see, okay? You guys be good today for your teachers, and be nice to the other kids, okay? I know you will, so I don’t even have to say it, but I want you guys to have a good day and tell me all about it after school.” Both of them give him a hug then, and he doesn’t bother hiding his grin. “I love you guys, I’ll see you in just a few hours, yeah?”

“Bye!” Amelia chirps as she skips into the classroom, much more of a social butterfly than her brother.

Jaiden pauses, looking a little more apprehensive. Dan crouches down beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to be fine, little man. Your sister is going to be right there with you today, yeah? Everything’s okay.” He speaks softly, hoping that none of the kids passing by can hear their conversation. Kids weren’t all bad, but some of them were evil little shits that could practically smell fear, and he didn’t want them to use that against Jaiden.

“Okay,” Jaiden says softly, tugging his backpack strap further up his shoulder. “And you’ll be here when we’re done with school later?” He asks, turning his big brown eyes up at Dan, looking hopeful.

“Yes sir, I’ll be waiting right outside with the other mummies and daddies, okay?”

Jaiden nods and quickly steps closer to Dan, throwing his arms around his neck and giving him a big hug. “Bye, Dan.”

“Love you, bub.” Dan can’t help how choked up he sounds, and he just hopes that Jaiden doesn’t notice.

Stepping away with a wave, Jaiden goes to find his sister in the sea of children already in the classroom.

As Dan walks back to his car, he tugs his phone out of his pocket to send a text to Phil.

Dan: im really loving the whole dad thing rn we’ve got good kids

Phil: The best :)

Dan: is it pretentious to say I think we’re doing a good job

Phil: Nah we’re killing it

Dan: yh we are

Phil: Quit texting and driving Howell

Dan: not

Phil: Lies and slander. Be careful pls

Dan puts his phone into his pocket and the key into the ignition.

He waits until he’s actually in his own office to respond to the text, and he can’t quit smiling at the feeling filling up his chest. Not that he had been specifically miserable or anything lately, but this feeling was great, and he wanted to relish in it.

Dan: k dad im at work now u can quit having a fit about my texting and driving

Phil: Good. I hope you have a good day

Phil: Oh! Check your lunchbox! ;)

Dan falters a little at the winky emoji, something they didn’t often use in their chats, at least not unironically. He’s a little nervous to open the little container, but he does anyway, cautious in case it’s a prank thing.

Instead, he’s surprised to see a little post-it note on the lid of the container. He pulls it off to get a better look and his heart feels fuller as he grins down at the ridiculous doodle Phil had drawn. It’s an (admittedly horrible) doodle of a rat, and above it in Phil’s horrible handwriting, he’s written Dan a little note.

Have a g(r)e(at) day! Xx

Dan can’t help the giggles that fall out at the stupidity of it, but he can’t help but grin. It’s such a Phil thing to do. He tucks it into his top desk drawer, cleaning out a little corner for it before pulling out his phone to text Phil again.

Dan: r u kidding

Phil: Did you like it?

Dan: it’s horrible

Dan: i love it

Phil: :)

Dan: Did you do one for the twins too?

Phil: Yes!

Phil: Well, theirs are nicer, I drew Jai a pigeon and Mia a mermaid

Dan: you’re an actual twelve year old

Phil: In that case, you should probably be arrested

Dan: shut up, im working

Phil: No you aren’t you’re texting me

Dan: go awayyy

Phil: :)

~~~

The first day of school was a success, if the twins’ excited chattering on the way home is anything to go by. Amelia talks incessantly about how Louise’s oldest daughter Darcy is in the same class as them and Jaiden contributes with his own stories about how he sits next to a boy who likes the same dinosaurs as him. He’s sure to inform Dan that he knows more about them than the other boy, but he promises to teach him everything he knows about them.

“So, did you guys like your teacher?” He asks when they’ve pulled into the parking garage of the apartment.

“Yeah!” Amelia nods eagerly. “Mrs. Evans is really nice!”

“Yeah? That’s great!” Dan smiles as he glances back at them through the rearview mirror. “Jai-bird? What do you think about her?”

Jaiden shrugs. “She’s nice but she asked everyone to go ‘round and share something about ourselves with the class and I didn’t like it.”

Dan bites his lip to hide his smirk. He’s honestly still a little shocked at how similar Jaiden is to himself and Phil, and it honestly just makes his heart swell with a weird sense of pride. He isn’t biologically theirs, but he might as well be, considering how similar he is to them. “Yeah? What’d you guys share?” He asks curiously, turning the car off and getting out.

Jaiden, who had been sat behind him, tumbles out of the car, hiking his backpack up on his shoulders as they walk around to Amelia’s side. “I told them I liked pigeons, and then I told them that sometimes we feed them after dinner.”

Dan’s heart flutters at this, and the part of him that’s still overly concerned with homophobic little kids wonders if Jaiden had said anything about the whole “two dads” thing. He sort of hopes he hadn’t, because he knew how mean kids could be. Instead, he just glances down at him with a smile. “Yeah?”

Jaiden nods, then gestures vaguely to Amelia. “Mia said something stupid for hers.”

Amelia pouts at this. “Did not!” She argues.

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did-“

“That’s enough,” Dan says over them, leading them into the elevator and holding Amelia back so Jaiden could press the button this time. “What did you share, Mia?”

“I told them I wanted to be a mermaid princess when I grow up,” She announces proudly, sticking her tongue out at Jaiden when he rolls his eyes at her.

“Well that’s not stupid!” Dan tries to say encouragingly. “Mermaids are pretty cool, and princesses are just like queens!”

Amelia looks up at him with a pitying smile on her face. “No, they aren’t, Dan. Queens have to do all this work, but princesses just get to have fun and be rich.”

Dan can’t help the snort that falls from his nose at this information, although he does try to cover it up with a cough. They’re at the door to the flat now, so Dan releases her hand to unlock the door. “Oh, sorry. I don’t know a lot about princesses I guess.”

The six-year-old only pats his hand sweetly. “It’s okay, you’re only a boy, you don’t get to know everything.” She gives him a charming smile as she dances past him and into the flat, kicking her shoes off and dumping her backpack by the shoe rack.

Dan stares at her for a moment before his gaze darts to Jaiden. Jaiden doesn’t even look surprised, and he only shrugs at him before following his sister. “It’s okay, Dan. Even grown-ups don’t know all the stuff,” he says reassuringly, leaving Dan alone to just stare in shock at the both of them.

He doesn’t even have a comeback, following them in and locking the door behind himself. He shakes his head incredulously, laughing softly to himself as he shoves his trainers off, straightening them up on the shoe rack neatly. “Do you guys have homework?” He calls to where they’ve disappeared into their room.

“No,” they call back in almost unison.

Dan rolls his eyes as he picks their backpacks up off the floor, hanging them on their little hooks neatly. He’d lecture them about that another day. He grabs their lunchboxes and takes them into the kitchen with his own, dropping them onto the counter to sort through the things they hadn’t eaten. Both lunchboxes are nearly empty, although Amelia still had a pack of fruit gummies and a pack of crackers, while Jaiden only left the crackers. That had been a shot in the dark, honestly, but Dan smiles to himself when he realizes that neither of them must like that kind.

After emptying them of any wrappers and the crackers, Dan sets them back on the counter where he’d left them last night to be repacked in the morning. “Do you guys want any snacks?” He calls, moving to the cupboard to grab a glass for some water. After filling it up, he realizes he hasn’t heard a response. “Guys?” He asks. Again, no response.

He sets the glass down before moving down the hall to where their room is, slowing his steps when he hears what sounds like a quiet argument. He doesn’t intend to eavesdrop, really, he doesn’t, but when he hears the name Levi pop up once again, he can’t help but stop to listen.

“Of course, he wasn’t at our school, idiot! He’s in secondary school,” Dan hears Amelia hiss. He frowns, trying to figure out who this Levi person is to them.

“Then maybe he’s at the other school!” Jaiden argues back.

“Who cares?” Amelia responds, and Dan hears the sound of the mattress squeaking as she climbs onto her bed. “We won’t see him anymore, Jai.”

Jaiden makes a huffing noise, and Dan hears what sounds like something hitting the wall. Mia responds with an indignant yelp, and Dan hopes he hadn’t just thrown something at his sister. “It’s not his fault, you know,” Jaiden’s voice is quieter this time, and Dan finds himself inching closer to catch his words.

“I don’t care,” Amelia snaps. “If he hadn’t called those people, we’d still be with mummy and daddy!”

Dan’s heart begins beating rapidly then, and he suddenly has a feeling that this Levi person must be close to them, if he’s apparently the reason they were separated from their family. Dan swallows hard at the memory of Hazel giving him what little information she could about why they were taken away. Drugs and an unstable financial situation: that was basically all that Dan had been privy to. Hazel herself hadn’t been very educated on the case, considering it had been transferred to her from a separate fostering organization.

“They don’t care about us!” Jaiden yells back at his sister.

She shushes him loudly at his words, and then denies it. “That’s not true!”

“Yes, it is, Amelia. Levi was trying to help! Mummy and Daddy were mean to him!”

Dan doesn’t have to see her face to tell that Amelia is in tears when she responds. “No. No, no. They- Mummy was sick!”

Jaiden huffs again. “No. Levi told us she wasn’t really sick.”

“He left us!” Amelia raises her voice. “He left us, and then those people took us away.”

Whatever Jaiden’s response was going to be, Dan doesn’t figure out, because then his phone is ringing in his pocket, and the kids go silent. Dan startles at the noise himself before moving back down the hall a little and acting like he was walking out of his bedroom as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Do you guys still want to go to the park?” He calls, trying to keep his voice from wavering.

The twins respond with an affirmative, and he silences his phone when he sees that it’s his mum. He could call her back later, when he had more time and wasn’t on parenting duty. It had been awkward talking to her since he started fostering the twins, but when he’d asked Phil if he was experiencing the same with his mum, he’d denied it. Apparently since Kath was under the impression that they were actually together, she was a lot less bothered by the idea that they were basically raising a family together.

Dan tries not to feel queasy at the implications that has.

Just as they walk out the door, Dan’s phone buzzes with a new message. He wrestles the phone out of his skintight jeans, smiling down at it when he sees the message there.

Phil: I saw a video of a baby bear eating trash today.

Dan: okay?

Phil: It reminded me of you :) <3

Dan: I hate you

Phil: Rude!

Dan: you know im kidding

Phil: I know <3

Dan: quit being gross

Phil: :( Fine I’ll take my affection to my other fake fiancé.

Dan: ouch

Dan: also more on the levi thing

Phil: oh shit was I right?? It’s a ghost isn’t it?

Dan: no you spoon

Phil: then??

Dan: I’ll tell you tonight. It’s important.

Phil: K. see you later

~~~

“I’m home!” Phil calls from downstairs about half an hour after they’ve come home from the park. The twins perk up, and Dan glances at them before grinning, shrugging when they look at him questioningly. That’s apparently all the permission they need to run downstairs to greet Phil. Dan stays on the sofa, listening with a smile as they greet him.

“Phil!” Amelia screeches. She especially got on well with him and was always excited to see him when he got home. Dan wondered if maybe he reminded her of her own dad. The thought makes his stomach churn nervously, but he brushes it away.

“Hi, guys! Oh!” Dan doesn’t have to be watching to know that they likely just jumped on him, and he smirks. “Hello, Mia. You shouldn’t jump off the stairs like that, it’s dangerous,” he chastises gently. She mumbles something Dan can’t hear, and then he hears him speaking to Jaiden. “Hey, little man,” he says affectionately, and Dan can picture him ruffling his hair. “How was school?” Phil asks, and Dan can hear him walking up the stairs now.

The children begin chattering excitedly, and Dan can’t really decipher what they’re telling him between both of them speaking so quickly. He puts his laptop on the coffee table, tossing his arm over the back of the sofa and leaning back as he watches Phil come up the stairs carrying Amelia, Jaiden right behind them. Phil’s eyes dart around the room, a smile stretching his lips when his gaze meets Dan’s.

“Hey,” Phil greets him softly, shifting Amelia in his arms a little.

“Hi,” Dan grins up at him. He nods to Amelia with a knowing smile. “That one might have missed you,” he teases, relishing in the way Phil’s cheeks turn a little pink. He still wasn’t completely convinced that he was good with the kids, although Dan had tried more than once to convince him that he was doing just fine.

“I guess she was the only one,” Phil teases back easily, pouting when Dan rolls his eyes at his childish behavior.

“Oh, I missed you alright,” Dan says, hiding his smirk when Phil sets Amelia down before sitting on the sofa beside Dan. Subtly, he grabs one of the pillows that had been tucked under his left arm. “But I’m sure I won’t at this distance.”

He barely has a moment to take in Phil’s confused expression before he’s swinging the pillow, smacking Phil in the face with a thump.

“Dan!” Phil yells through his poorly concealed laughter.

“What?” Dan asks sweetly, tugging the pillow out of his reach and tucking it under his arm before Phil has the chance to retaliate. Phil notices this, and with narrowed eyes he lunges forward, grabbing for the pillow while grabbing one of Dan’s wrists in the other hand, pinning his hand to the sofa. “No!” Dan screams, rolling over onto his side to try and cover up the pillow. He vaguely hears the kids giggling somewhere behind them, but he’s not even paying attention to that when Phil gets a mischievous look on his face. He doesn’t even have to say it before Dan realizes what he’s going to do. “No, Phil, please don’t- Oh my god!”

Phil snickers as he begins tickling Dan’s side, his laughter bouncing around the room over Dan’s screeches. “You deserve this!” He yells gleefully, dropping Dan’s wrist to attack his other side.

Dan thrashes beneath him, struggling to catch his breath over all his screaming. “No, no, please! Stop! I’ll- I’ll- I’ll behave!” Dan shrieks, feebly trying to shove Phil’s hands away.

“You promise you’ll be nice?” Phil asks teasingly. Something in his voice has Dan blushing, and he draws his legs up, effectively pushing Phil away a little.

“Promise!” He says loudly, breathing heavily when Phil finally stops his attacking. His breathing is labored, and his sides hurt from laughing so much. “Bloody hell, mate,” he wheezes. “I’m too old for this shit,” he mutters under his breath, hoping the kids didn’t hear him.

Phil quirks an eyebrow at him but smiles anyway. “Sorry, I got a little carried away. Are you okay?” He asks sweetly, dropping a hand to Dan’s back and stroking gently.

Dan nods, smiling up at him. “I’m fine, yeah.” His heart is suddenly bursting with something warm as he looks up at his best friend, and he barely realizes it when he reaches up and tucks a piece of hair back into Phil’s quiff, flattening it back gently. Phil’s gaze darts up to Dan’s hand, but they settle back on Dan’s face as his lips fall into a softer smile.

Before Dan has a chance to get too caught up in the moment, whatever it was, he hears a giggle from above him. He glances up to find Amelia and Jaiden hovering over the arm of the sofa where his head is resting. “Can I help you?” He teases.

“Were you two about to kiss?” Amelia asks, smirking at him.

He can feel the blush on his cheeks from the question, and he tries to stutter out an explanation. Luckily, Phil beats him to it.

“Nosy Nancy, why don’t you come over here? I have a surprise for you,” Phil grins, lifting the hand that isn’t on Dan’s back and wiggling his fingers at her.

She squeals before darting behind the couch, Jaiden following close behind.

“Hide and seek, guys, so try not to run everywhere!” Phil calls to them before he glances down at Dan with an apologetic look, but Dan only rolls his eyes before shoving him away.

“Go, go chase them, it’s your turn to play Fun Dad.”

Phil grins before ruffling Dan’s hair and standing from the couch to go play with the twins. “Dinner?” Phil asks inquisitively, pausing before commencing the chase.

Dan rolls to his feet, shoving Phil’s shoulder as he passes him. “I’ll start dinner, go. They want to play, and I wouldn’t put it past them to attack you if they don’t get what they want.”

Rolling his eyes, Phil moves to the stairs to find the kids, who Dan can hear giggling downstairs somewhere. “Right, because they’re so vicious.” The sarcasm is palpable. “Still need to talk later?” he asks softly as they walk downstairs.

“Yeah,” Dan nods. “We can talk when we go to bed?”

Phil nods at this. “Okay.” Then, louder so the kids can hear him, “Ready or not, here I come!”

~~~

After eating dinner and sending the kids to bed, they finally find themselves in their bedroom getting ready for bed themselves. Dan has long since gotten over feeling awkward changing in front of Phil, and he carelessly tugs his jeans off and throws them into the laundry hamper before doing the same with his shirt, replacing it with a t-shirt. He isn’t entirely sure who the shirt belongs to at this point, but honestly most of the things they have are interchangeable, so it really doesn’t even matter. Phil does the annoying thing he always does and leaves his jeans and shirt in a heap on the floor, and Dan dutifully goes behind him and collects them to throw in the hamper.

“They already asleep?” Phil asks from the bathroom when he sees Dan moving around the bedroom.

“Yeah, they were pretty tired after the first day of school I reckon,” he replies, tugging the band off his left hand and setting it on the nightstand. He runs a hand through his hair as he steps into the bathroom, cringing when he feels how greasy his hair is. He’d been running his hands through it a lot today, stress mostly, and it showed.

Phil, who’s brushing his teeth, squints at Dan’s reflection in the mirror. “Alright?” He asks around the foam in his mouth.

Dan nods but crinkles his nose at him, prompting Phil to spit before rinsing his toothbrush off. “Hand me the toothpaste,” he says as he grabs his own toothbrush from the cup. Phil hands the tube over and then studies Dan’s reflection as he begins brushing his teeth.

“Your hair’s getting long,” he comments, bringing a hand up to card through Dan’s curls. Dan unintentionally cringes away, not wanting Phil to mess with his already dirty hair. “Sorry,” he mumbles, dropping his hand.

“‘S fine, just need to wash it,” Dan responds. He finishes brushing his teeth in silence, splashing cold water on his face when he’s done. “Did you take your contacts out?” He asks Phil, turning around to face him.

Phil nods, quirking an eyebrow. “Done in here?” He asks, his hand hovering over the light switch. In response, Dan only nods as he heads back into their bedroom, going straight for the bed.

“I’m exhausted,” he mumbles into the pillow after he’s crawled under the duvet.

“Same,” Phil sighs, and Dan feels the shifting of the mattress as he settles under the covers on his side. There’s the sound of metal clinking against wood, and Dan assumes he’s taken his ring off. “Lights off?” He asks softly, his hand coming to rest on Dan’s shoulder.

“Mhm, please.”

There’s a click of the lamp being turned off, and Dan sighs into his pillow. “Levi?” Phil says softly, reminding Dan that they still needed to talk.

Dan sighs but rolls over onto his back. “They talked about him again today. They didn’t know I could hear them I guess.”

“Yeah?” Phil prompts when he falls silent. Dan watches out of the corner of his eye as Phil hesitates a little before reaching his hand out and gently pushing Dan’s curls off his forehead. Dan quirks an eyebrow at him, but Phil only shrugs.

“I think he’s their brother,” Dan admits finally, staring up at the ceiling as Phil gently pets his hair. It’s soothing in all the right ways, and he knows he’ll likely fall asleep with him doing it if he doesn’t stop soon.

Phil’s hand pauses in its movement as he seems to process Dan’s words, but when Dan opens one eye to look at him, he quickly continues. “Oh. Are you sure?” He looks conflicted, as if he isn’t sure what his reaction needs to be.

Dan shrugs. “No, but it sounded like it could be.”

“What did they say?”

After recounting the conversation he’d overheard, Dan falls silent, closing his eyes as he allows Phil a few minutes to process the new information. It takes him a few moments, but eventually he speaks. “What do you think we should do? I mean, obviously Levi got taken away too, but where is he now?” He sounds confused, and also hurt. Dan can understand why; the whole situation was beyond fucked up, and his heart hurt to think about the fact that there was another kid involved in this situation, one who didn’t even have a sibling to keep him company like the twins did.

“I don’t know. I think we should call Hazel and ask about him, probably,” Dan whispers, silently hoping that Phil agrees.

Phil hums in consideration. “Do you think they’ll let us take him?” He asks, sounding hesitant.

Dan’s eyes snap open to gauge Phil’s reaction. Phil glances down at him, his lips pressed into a straight line. “It wouldn’t hurt to try,” Dan says softly, reaching a hand up to stop the movement of Phil’s hand in his hair, intertwining their fingers instead. It wasn’t something he did often, especially with no audience, but he felt that they both needed the grounding contact right now.

“I don’t know, Dan…” Phil’s voice is full of concern, and he’s got a guarded look on his face.

“He’s their brother, Phil,” Dan insists quietly. “Sure, we’re doing our best to be their temporary family, but he might be the only family they’ve got left after all of it is said and done.”

Phil sighs, squeezing Dan’s hand before pulling his hand free and moving to lay down. Dan hates the way his hand feels empty without the contact, so he rolls over to face the opposite way and shoves his hands under his pillow. “We need to think about it some more, okay?”

“Whatever,” Dan mumbles, allowing his eyes to drift shut again.

There’s a moment of silence before Phil speaks again. “Are you upset with me?” He asks, his voice soft.

“No, I’m just thinking.”

“Daniel,” Phil reprimands his facetiousness.

Dan groans and rolls over to glare at him. “No, okay? I’m not mad. I just…” he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut and rolling back over. “I’m just tired, honestly. All of this is really overwhelming.”

Phil seems to consider this, and Dan can almost feel the hesitancy in the air before Phil reaches a hand out to rest on Dan’s side. “I know. But you can still talk to me, you know. I’m your best friend.”

“I know,” Dan chokes out.

There’s a moment where neither of them speak and Dan hears Phil sigh deeply before his hand falls away. Dan frowns, feeling the distance between them more tonight than he usually does.

Quietly, so that Phil doesn’t realize how truly affected he is by the conversation and the lack of conclusion, Dan speaks. “You can… I’m not mad. I’m really not.”

The room is quiet for a moment before Phil responds. “Do you want me to?” He doesn’t have to specify, because both of them know what they’re talking about at this point.

Softly, Dan says, “Yeah.”

The mattress shifts as Phil moves closer to Dan, throwing an arm around his waist and snuggling against his back. Dan relaxes into the touch, moving one of his hands down to grip Phil’s wrist to hold him in place. Phil squeezes him gently and Dan shivers as he feels his breath fan across his neck.

“Cold?” Phil whispers.

Dan shakes his head. “No.” He hesitates before speaking again. “Are you upset with me?”

“No,” Phil assures him. “I just don’t know what to do about this. I need more time to think about it, okay?”

“Okay. We’re okay?”

Phil laughs softly, and Dan knows he doesn’t imagine it when Phil presses his lips to the nape of his neck. “We’re okay.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #259

"i went straight to heaven, but i kept on knockin’.”

What's something that makes you feel more creative? Music. What are the last three nail polish colors you wore? Wow, idk the last time I wore nail polish, but probably black or maroon. What's the last thing you binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. Do you watch youtube videos or tv shows more? YouTube is essentially my TV. Quite literally - I don't have a television in my room because I never watch it. What's a DIY project that you don't think actually works? Oh dude, plenty. I have DIY-obsessed friends online as well as a Pinterest, I know this shit, lmao. I can name one though with total certainty because I was with a friend when she tried that disgusting "YOU CAN MAKE cuPCAkES IN A C uP!!!!!" crap. It's the most eggy shit you'll ever try. Do you collect Mason jars to use for crafts? No, but I think those crafts are generally super cute. Have you ever gotten rid of something and then regretted it? If so, what? (or what's one thing?) Oh yeah, one of my biggest being my senior prom pictures, but not for the reason you'd expect (save for two pictures of us that're just REALLY fuckin cute): I want them back because goddamn I was pretty ok and I miss that now that I hate my body every waking moment of every day. :^) What color is the zip-up hoodie you wear the most? Don't have one w/ a zipper, they're ugly. Do you live in an apartment that has inspections? No. Do you hate taking naps during the day? Nooo I love naps and usually take one a day. I tend to feel really tired all over again a few hours or so after I wake up. Who in your immediate family has the best natural hair? MEEEEEEEEEEEE. Would you ever audition for American Idol? Hell no. Do you know anyone who thinks they're more talented than they are? Lol wow, this is mean. I don't think so. Do you buy gum? Rarely, even though I like it. What's your favorite dollar store?  I don’t have a favorite, I'd say? But I think we normally go to Dollar General. How many cell phones have you had in your lifetime? Maybe like, six? Have you ever been inside a Victorian mansion? BITCH I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!! I would kill to get married in one, omfGGGGGGGGGGG. What was the most boring field trip you ever want on? I don't remember a bad one. I loved going on field trips. The last time you went, what were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? I’ve never been. Which country would you most like to visit? Eeeeek idk, but probably South Africa. What are your favorite types of videos to watch on YouTube? What I watch on YouTube has become pretty diverse, but I know my favorites are easily Mark's actual big projects w/ egos 'n shit alksjdflk;w gOOD SHIT MY FRIENDS. I still love let's plays, of course! Are you a hoarder? No. Is there a guy (or girl) that you wish things had worked out with? Yes. If you were to start a collection, what would it be? I'd loooove Shadow of the Colossus stuff, particularly the amazing figures they used to have only in Japan. And World of Warcraft stuff; all I have rn is an Illidan poster and a fae dragon plushy hanging from my ceiling that Jason got me. If you were rich, what things would you get done cosmetically? Mother of god, a lot. #1, make me skinny again for the love of fuck. Which would result in loose skin being taken off and probably a breast lift because being overweight ruined my comfort with them laskdjfw. Whiten my teeth and give me laser hair removal surgery on my legs, please. Are your parents too controlling? Not at all. Who is your favorite fictitious redhead? VOL'JIN Blizzard what the FUCK give him BACK What shows have you seen on Broadway? None. Who is the prettiest Asian YouTuber that you can think of? Bitch Mark is Korean and he's gorgeous as fuck goddamn it ain't fair. But this is a weird question. What is the best news you've heard lately? When my mom got a follow-up blood test, things looked good!! She especially needed to level out her sugar, which she did well on. She also didn't lose or gain any weight, so that's wonderful. Have you ever flown first class? Hunny I am v poor. Have you ever had food SO bad in a restaurant that you sent it back? I don't believe so, anyway. Do you talk in your sleep? Very regularly now. Have you ever locked yourself out of your house? OOF, yes. Are you the type of person who can shake insults off easily, or do they tend to stick around in your brain & bother you? They stick with me for a long, long time. At least two I remember from years upon years ago. Who was the last person you cut out of your life intentionally? My old therapist that I trusted and loved when I fucking shouldn't have. Where were you raised? By who? Eastern NC, by my parents. What were your first words? "Dada." What were some of your favorite things when you were young? DINOSAURS, Webkinz, Pokemon, and Spyro, to name a few. What did you grow up listening to? Mostly country and pop music. What games did you play in the past? Spyro was my obsession, and I also loved hunting games (ironic, as irl I would never even consider it???) as well as fishing ones, plus Crash Bandicoot. What was the best birthday party you ever had? I'm not sure. How about the best vacation? I'm unsure; I haven't really been on a lot. Do you have any secrets you never intend to tell? Yup. What memory would you like to disappear from your mind forever? A nightmare I had about my dad. If you were someone else, would you be friends with the person you are now? Yeah. Do you consider yourself a smart person? No. What friend in your life has been the greatest influence to you? I don't know. Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? What made it so terrifying? I shared a bedroom with an EXTREMELY volatile, violent woman once in the mental hospital. As in she had to go in solitary when she had a violent episode, during which she became very destructive to her surroundings, so as you could guess, I was worried about my own wellbeing. She was eventually moved because I was that uncomfortable. Did you celebrate Easter? Are there any holidays you are more inclined to celebrate than others? If so, which? Well, Easter hasn't come yet, but we'll probably go to my sister's house for the kids. We'll celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving without fail. We don't pay much attention to others. I'd LOVE to do something for Halloween, we just never have anywhere to go/anything to do. What was the last thing you deleted? Pictures. What colors make up the majority of your wardrobe? Is there any color you like, but don’t wear often? There's black there. Oh, there's s'more black. What's that???? More bLACK????? MAN, I wish I could pull off pink. When was the last time you were in any amount of pain? I had a pretty intense headache yesterday. Who was the last person to hug you? Do you hug this person often? My niece, and yeah, every time I visit. What are you most likely to argue or debate about? The fact I almost never leave my pajamas lmao. What was the last show you watched? Have you seen it before, or is it something you’re watching for the first time? A few days back, I was reeeaaally bored and actually watched TV deliberately, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?????? It was The Witcher; wasn't bad. I'd be willing to watch more. How would you describe your taste in clothing? What would a dream outfit look like to you? uuuuuggggGHHHHHHHH let me be GOTH. Give me a corsette if they weren't notoriously uncomf with plenty of chains 'n stuff. BIG, SPIKY BOOTS. SKINNY LEATHER PANTS. UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH. Have you ever tried snowboarding? No. What’s your favorite planet besides Earth? Saturn is dope. Would you ever be a coach for any sport? Nope. What color of eyes do you have? Blue. Do you like tacos? NOOOOOOOOO. White or red wine? Wine is gross. Do you prefer foxes or wolves? Foxes. What’s the youngest you would consider dating? No younger than 21. Do you think suits are sexy? mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Did you go to high school with your current best friend? No. What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? N/A Were you a fan of Michael Jackson before he died? I was never really a fan. Respected him immensely as a musician, I just didn't care much about his music. Turkey or ham for Thanksgiving? Ham. Turkey is always too dry and stringy. Do you look good in hats? I wouldn't know, I haven't worn one in forever. Never with short hair. Colons or equal signs for your smiley face's eyes? Colons. Do you like architecture? If so, do you have a favourite style or structure that you’d like to make note? Yes, and I should really have an answer for this, as architecture was a big part in Art History... Ummm Etruscan stands out, and of course Roman/Greek (even after the class I don't remember their differences well...). I love Middle Eastern architecture, too. What is one of your favorite words, in any language, and why? I just love the sound of "serendipity," as well as uhhhh "sakura" in Japanese and "kanji" in Chinese. I'm trying to think of a German one, as there certainly are some, but they're evading me right now. Where is the farthest you’ve travelled on foot? JESUS FUCK probably going to get Sara's brother from school, mother of all that is holy. But it might just feel like it because it was during the peak of my muscle atrophy in my legs. Are there any songs that you perhaps like but avoid because it makes you sad when heard? A good number. Do you like the area that you live in? What do you like or dislike about the area? NO. There's not shit to do and it's not aesthetically pleasing at all. Do you have a memory of when you really thought that you have lucked out on something? If so, what was it? Uhhhhh. A handful, I guess? Oh, uh, the suicide attempt to name one and probably the biggest. I took way too many of those pills to experience almost zero symptoms of an overdose; I did look up what "too many" was, because I wanted that. I'd say I was pretty fuckin lucky. If you have apps on your mobile phone, which one do you use the most? Facebook. Which do you like better: fantasy or science fiction novels? Why? FANTASY!!! I think it allows more creativity and possibilities of something magically "making sense" because yeah, it's fantasy. Science fiction has more "realness" to it, more, obviously, scientific elements versus make-believe. Do you like opossums? Do you think it is ethically right for others to keep opossums as pets? OPOSSUMS!!!!!!!!! ARE!!!!!!!!!! FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're my second-favorite animals kdsja;lkdjaw. BUT ANYWAY, no, unless it's for rescue reasons. When was the last time someone asked you a huge favor or advice? Do you get asked often by this person? Oh I have no idea. Probably my mom? And no, definitely not. She hates asking for help. What are your thoughts on nihilism? I definitely get it, but it's not my personal outlook. Do you like the snow? More like love. What are your thoughts and feelings towards work/jobs in general? I don't know? I've never even had a real, steady job, so it's hard to really answer... I've only had bad experiences. It's kinda weird to me how you have to work your ass off (usually) to get a job you enjoy, as well as slave for some stupid green paper until the day you die just to stay alive and healthy. But at the same time, it offers a sense of fulfilment and is as well something productive and beneficial to the masses to do. Civilization would be very, very different and unadvanced if we were without them, so I guess it is a necessary thing. Humans gotta work together to keep where we're at. Do you believe in astrology? I've never actually elaborated why I don't believe in it so there ya go: not in the slightest. All it does is offer extremely broad characteristics that, in some light, almost anyone can relate to so they feel included in something. We naturally want to "belong" within something as social creatures, and astrology is an easy one with it being so vast. It gives equally indirect advice that can be applied to a multitude of situations, so people just mold what they read to fit their world. Don't base your goddamn life choices on the random positioning of shit in space. What is something that you’ve made/created? Do you take pride in your creations? Well, way way way too many OCs that I do indeed love a hell of a lot. If you have a Tumblr account, do you have any followers that you wish would not follow you? Well I'm sure there are bots. What kind of books do you generally enjoy to read? Fantasy stuff, mostly. But I also love novels with deep meaning, particularly about life in general. A good plot is mandatory. Does the quality of a video, on YouTube or a television, matter to you? I mean of course in some situations, like if I'm watching something educational/something to gain visual knowledge from. What is one situation that may cause you to become shy (if there is any)? Don't don't don't don't don't point out that my serious interests/things I massively love are "weird" like it's been years and I can still barely explain why my biggest tattoo is a tribute to some fuckface on the Internet lmao. When one is depressed, what can a friend do about it? Do you find that there is a good method to approach people in helping them combat depression? It is SO important to, first, ask them what they want. Do they want advice, an ear to just listen, just your presence, to be alone? As for combating depression, that greatly depends on the origin (if any) of theirs. There are so many factors in answering this question, but what I mentioned should, imo, always be the start. Do you tend to listen to music that embraces your mood or does music dictate your mood? Is it a little bit of both? Definitely both. When I'm sad though, I'm almost definitely listening to somber music too. Do you find yourself to be generally a forgiving person? I'm too goddamn forgiving. Do you have an embarrassing memory that you now look back at and can laugh? If so and if you’re comfortable, could you share one here? Omg I have a Bible-length collection of those suckers. I'd prefer not to. What is one skill that you have worked hard to develop? Is there still room for improvement on that skill? Damn, anxiety-coping mechanisms and actually trusting them to help me through attacks. I used to be convinced that they were useless because it just wouldn't work and weren't immediately effective, but you've gooooooot to trust the process, friends. What do you consider to be your main passion(s) and how did they come about? Spreading awareness of the seriousness of mental health and the comfort of knowing there's hope. You can never stop pushing. My own experience with mental health struggles is definitely the deeeep roots of that. Who do you think influenced you the most in your life so far? Why? Jason changed my life in many ways. Trauma does that. He taught me a lot about the necessity of having faith in yourself to survive on your own, a shitload about love and how it's not some fairy tale, and that people change, even those you least expect to. What is something that you have overheard people talk about that really bothered you? I could name more than a few things about race stuff, living where I do. What do you normally say or how do you normally act in response to a compliment? I usually do this shy laugh and say "thank you" with too much enthusiasm. How many books do you own? Do you have more physical books than electronic books? I've no clue where a lot of my old ones are. I have no electronic ones; I strongly prefer to read a physical book. What are your thoughts on higher education? Is it really necessary? In your opinion, what changes can be made? Depending on your aspiring career, it can be necessary, but just as easily, it can be unnecessary. I know for a fucking fact it should not be NEARLY as expensive as it is. Maybe even free, but I have no idea what monetary concerns that could cause with whoever runs the place. Have you ever received a heartfelt compliment from a stranger? Probably at some point. How many people would you consider to be extremely close to you? "Extremely"... like three lmao. Maybe one more or so. When was the last time you had to speak to a crowd? How well did that go? When I was taking pictures at a wedding last. It went okay. How would you describe your general outlook towards humanity? We by no means deserve to be the apex predator and Earth would be a shitload better without us. How long do you think you could last without any contact with your significant other, best friend, or a person whom you consider would be the closest to you? I'll use my mom here, in which case idk. I don't particularly want to find out. I talk to her at LEAST by text daily. Every day now that she can't work/is always home with me. Have you ever realised that someone was lying, but it was too late to confront them? Nope. Eventually speaking up is how I lost her, but.

[purplesurveys]

490

Do you ever eat when you're not particularly hungry? I’ll try to avoid it, but I would sometimes eat when I get bored. When I’m stuck with someone in public I’ll also take a bite (if I have food) from time to time so that I don’t have to keep talking. Have you ever gone up a mountain on a train? No. My parents paid for horse rides up the Taal Volcano once, but this was back when I was 12 and had no idea what a terrible idea this was. I appreciate what my parents did for that trip but as I grew older it’s never really served as a fond memory for me as I think of how exhausted the horses must have been. It’s been several years so I hope they’ve put a stop to it.

What is your favourite hot beverage? I hate hot beverages. If I absolutely had to have a hot drink though I always pick hot chocolate.

Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. What was your imaginary friend called when you were a child? Katrina. She existed for like half an hour, though.

Can you see the stars at night where you live? A little bit. They’re much clearer in the higher area of my city. Where do you live? The Philippines, unfortunately. Is there anyone you just can't get out of your head? Kylie Minogue. Lmfao lame joke aside, not really. I’m past that phase where I’m absolutely crazy about my girlfriend and think of her every minute. Do you prefer cats or dogs? Why? Dogs. They’re friendlier and playful, which is really the reason why I’d consider having a pet at home. There’s a really sweet cat that’s guaranteed to lie on my lap in my college building, but apart from him I’ve never understood cats :( One thing you'd like to achieve this year: Not fuck up my job as vice president for externals in my org. I’ve never worked in the committee before and only took up the job because no one else cared as much for the org, so I’m just looking forward to not making mistakes and following whatever my predecessor did. Food: Are you adventurous or do you stick to what you know? I would try out anything so long as it didn’t have my least favorite, fruits. Are you a hoarder of useless items? Receipts are technically useless, but I hoard them for memories. What colour do you think suits you best? Is this your favourite colour? Navy green. It’s not my favorite, but it looks the best on me for some reason. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? Nah, I don’t think there’s anything unusual. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? Yes. I live with them. I like my dad better. If you could intern anywhere, where would you choose? Anywhere that would give me the opportunity to do public relations and media relations! My internship opportunity had been super cool, so having another experience like it would be amazing. When was the last time you wrote so much your finger ached? May, when I had a string of final exams that I all had to do by hand.  Do you store a lot of pictures you've taken that no one else has seen? Yep. I’m a pretty horrible photo hoarder. My camera roll needs some seeeerious cleaning. Do you prefer film or digital pictures? Digital just cause it’s easier and more accessible. But I like how film looks so much more. When was the last time you felt inferior? Last Wednesday. Do you bump into things often? I’m less clumsy now, come to think of it. When did you first start using the internet? 2008. I remember having had it much earlier but 1) I was still super young to go around using the computer, and 2) there wasn’t much to do on the Internet anyway. But by the time 2008 rolled around, there was a good amount of content that 10-year-old me could have fun with. Were you ever a member of the Scouts / Girl Guides / Something similar? No, we don’t have that here. If we do, it’s not as popular or publicized. Do you prefer camping or staying in hotels? Staying in hotels. But that’s only because I’ve never legitimately camped before. Do you have any family traditions for certain holidays? Which? For Christmas, we would usually go to one of my grandpa’s sisters house and have a big reunion with my mom’s side of the family and do monito-monita for exchanging gifts. As we’ve gotten older it’s become much harder to gather everyone under the same roof, so this image is among my favorite and fondest memories of being a kid. Do you prefer lip balm that tastes or smells of something? Or maybe neither? I prefer it to taste/smell sweet. What is something you think about yourself that nobody agrees with? I dunno what other people think of me. What about something people think of you that you don't agree with? That I’m put together LMFAAAAAOOOO Do you enjoy flying? What's your (least) favourite part? I love it. I don’t like if I’m anywhere but the window seat. What colour are your eyes? Do you like them? Dark brown. I mean, I like them but they’re kinda just...normal. Filipinos don’t have a choice anyway though so whatever.

Have you ever had braces? I had them for a couple of years in high school. Name one of your hobbies: Trying out new food! How minty is your toothpaste? It’s the right amount. It’s not too painful. What design is on your calendar this year? I just use the calendar app on my phone. Do you collect anything? What? Receipts, photos, coloring books. Do you keep a diary? What sort of things do you write in it? This blog is virtually my diary. I write about whatever I’m asked. Are you prone to headaches? Only if I’m exposed to hot-cold-hot-cold weather. Do you enjoy clowns / street performers or are they creepy to you? So long as they aren’t doing anything to be creepy, I’m fine with them. What is your favourite type of video game? Open world tbh so I can get away with not doing missions, as someone who’s never figured out how to beat any video game hahahahaha Do you believe everything you hear or do you take it with a pinch of salt? Well, it would depend on what I’m hearing. :/ What's the weather like where you live? (All year round, not today) The climate is tropical, which just means it’s PAINFULLY HOT for most of the year, and it can either be humid or chilly when it does rain. It’s never too cold, which sucks for me. Have you ever had a teacher who would just babble about nothing? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA welcome to college, my dude. Do you ever look at a word and think that it looks odd? Not really this per se, but sometimes I’ll keep staring at a word and eventually it’ll start looking weird. I know this happens for everyone else too lmao so. Do you prefer getting news online, from a paper or from the TV? Nowadays, online, provided that it’s accurate and verified. I don’t watch TV anymore and reading the paper is just too much of a hassle. The shoes you wear most often: What do they look like? They’re Onitsukas with red and blue stripes. When was the last time you climbed a tree? I’ve never done this. All trees in this country have red ants haha. Did you enjoy playing Hop Scotch when you were younger? Yes, it was one of my favorite games. We call it piko here, though. Only rich kids who grew up speaking in English call it hopscotch. Are you good at keeping your house clean? I like to keep my place tidy, but I dunno if I’m any good. Can you play any instruments? Just the recorder, if it even counts.

Do you prefer chocolate or fruity flavoured candy? I don’t really like candy so I can go either way.

[bigskydreaming]

hope this isnt too personal, but does your motel give a discount if you book a longer stay? i know you are gonna be looking for an apartment, but since you are there now, is there a certain amount of time that they start giving a discount? that way if someone is unsure of what to donate at least they have some type of number in mind, if that makes sense

Hey, no worries on the question front, I don’t mind answering. This is probably gonna get longer/more involved than you needed, but a few people have asked me similar questions and so its worth it probably to make a post that covers all of them in depth, all in one go to save time. So, your answer’s in here lol, take what you need and ignore what you don’t! Haha.

So yes, the motel I’m staying at, they give me about as much of a discount as they give anyone, and have for awhile, since I’ve been here pretty consistently since like…August, lol. So, they charge me $85 per day instead of their usual $95 for weekdays and $115 for weekends, and yup, its still a very rundown roach motel, so if you think that seems way expensive, like…you’re not wrong, but also…its LA. *Shrugs* 

This isn’t to say that there’s not cheaper motels anywhere in LA, there’s just a couple other pretty critical factors involved there. First, it’s the cheapest I’ve found in my area, which is the area where I’ve been looking for an apartment, a part of town I’m familiar with, can get around to most places I need to go on foot, as well as having a pretty easy straightforward route to all the places I eventually need to go for my ongoing treatment/procedures. And yeah, this area is far from the cheapest in LA to live, but its not impossible either. There are one bedrooms in this area for around $1,400 a month, which again is expensive, but since my various issues have made finding a roommate/renting a room from total strangers pretty hard to find and living by myself is still my likeliest option, it is what it is. And when you consider that even in this motel I’ve been basically paying $2,600 a month, like…when I get I finally get into a place, that’ll still ease things for me tremendously because even a one bedroom at a price like that is a thousand bucks a month I won’t have to make.

And one of the other big factors is that mobility is a huge issue for me. I don’t actually think that public transpo is as bad of an issue in LA as a lot of people make it out to be - I mean, most cities do it better and the buses and metros can be pretty unreliable sometimes, but I’ve never had a huge problem using it to get to most places in the city when I’ve been without a car in the past. But the biggest drawback to my physical condition these days isn’t actually the pain or headaches, like, they suck but I can deal with them. It’s the vertigo that trips me up, because my equilibrium is all fucked and can shift randomly like with zero warning. So walking pretty much anywhere I can be moving along fine and then bam, I’m staggering like I’m drunk or even more fun, just fall flat on my ass. So walking nowadays is a very slow affair for me, not because of my pace, but because I have to keep stopping and starting and leaning up against walls any time I feel a new bout of vertigo start coming and need some extra balance until it passes. 

(Random Sidebar, but Pokemon Go is such an unexpected lifesaver, lmao, I can’t even tell you. I fucking love that thing and have it out anywhere I go, because its soooooo much better having to stop randomly in the middle of the sidewalk and hug a wall when people going by can see it and go oh he’s just trying to catch a Pokemon or battle that Gym instead of like, assuming you’re on a ten am bender or tripping out or something). 

Anyway, all of that makes it pretty much impossible to predict how long it’ll take me to walk places, and which makes it definitely impossible to catch an already unreliable bus or metro on time unless I leave way in advance to catch a bus that’s even a mile away. And most places in LA can be reached by bus or metro, but you usually have to take a lot of transfers, there’s not a lot of straight shots from A to B, and that’s what really gets me. Because the odds of me making it to the bus stop I gotta walk to after getting off at one spot and actually catch the next bus when my apps tell me to based on the routes I mapped out…they’re not good. LOL. And Uber gets expensive fast when trying to make it around LA, its not really an alternative when your budget is stretched as thin as you can make it already.

So traveling anywhere these days is typically a day long affair for me, no matter where I’m going. So I’ve definitely explored trying to stay in other cheaper locations or renting airbnbs which have better discounts for longer stays, but when you factor in my mobility issues and usual travel times…its not really as feasible as it seems at first glance. The apartment hunt is a big part of that….I pretty much HAVE to stay in the same area as I apartment hunt, since I have to do that on foot or else waste whole hours missing buses and waiting for the next ones, and with as long as it takes me to walk places….when I’ve tried staying in cheaper motels further away, by the time I even get to where I’m actually searching for apartments, I’m lucky if I can make it to two or three different locations to even get an application, before I have to start trekking back to where I’m staying.

And every day I spend apartment hunting or even traveling is a day that’s pretty much a complete wash as far as work goes. Like, with my savings looooong since wiped out completely, I live day to day, spending money about as quickly as I make it. Which means at the prices I’m talking, $85 a day for motel plus $10-$15 for food that day, (since the only way to get an actual meal without a kitchen or easy access to a nearby food bank or shelter is any take out places in the area, which add up fast) - essentially, I’ve been working nonstop every single day I can for at least the past seven months, busting my ass to make a minimum of $100 bucks a day, because that’s pretty much what it costs for me to keep just treading water at the current status quo. So anything short of a hundred dollars I make in a day tends to go immediately towards the cost of surviving, and anything more than that gets saved up to allow me even like a single day of apartment hunting or other necessary travel. Because a day I have to spend entirely walking and busing around is a day there’s no chance of me making $100, so I can only do that in the first place when I’ve managed to save up enough to take a day ‘off’ from work. 

Which, lol, means what is a day off, even? I can’t remember, haha, there’s nothing restful or relaxing about the days I have to spend traveling or walking around, let alone the days where I just can’t find enough work to make my $100. Same reason homeless shelters aren’t really viable for me at the moment. I’ve stayed in a couple at a few points in the past, years ago, and sure they’re not fun but its like, whatever, you know. But in my current state like….not spending money on a motel for the day(s) I’m staying in a shelter doesn’t actually mean I’m saving money if I’m not making even that much per day while in a shelter. Because if I can’t even get online to work while there and I end up having to travel even just to a Starbucks (with all my stuff) to work for the day, like, that already substantially cuts into how much time I actually have to work and how stressed I am which affects productivity, etc….which means it would end up taking two or three days to make as much as I need for even one day in a motel.  And so it doesn’t really save me money, it just makes it easier to fall into the trap of not being able to ever get back OUT of the shelter and into somewhere else again without any real benefit in the first place.

So, all of that also means that even days spent traveling to cheaper motels or airbnbs end up costing me just as much in lost work as I save in cheaper rent. Also, my material possessions at the moment are just few enough that I can take them all with me when I move from place to place, but that’s still enough that when even walking around and taking buses empty handed is….An Adventure, like….doing so while lugging all your shit in a couple bags that are pretty heavy when its been over a year since your last workout and you’re scrawnier than you’ve ever been in your life, lmao, like….that’s A Super Fun Adventure that tbh I try and avoid as much as humanly possible. The nearest laundromat from where I am is only a half mile away, and Laundry Day alone is so much fun I just can’t even, lolol.

And all of that’s what led to me posting my first donation post last month and this one, because when you’re only surviving on the money you make each day, a single day of not making your quota can wipe you out. I was sick for like, three days at the start of last month and that was all it took to set me impossibly behind and with peoples’ donations being the only way I managed to get on top of shit again. But then on top of that, December was always gonna be a hard month to keep meeting my daily work quota cuz of people busy with and budgeting for the holidays, and so I still only scraped by the later weeks in the month thanks to the donations I had saved from that first post and still wound up right back here in the same kinda position anyway. I’m actually a couple days behind on rent again, hence why I posted that new post yesterday, but I’ve been able to stay just under Too Far Behind, like at a point where I’m still paying something day by day so they’re giving me a chance to catch up this time. (And much thanks to the people who already donated yesterday and this morning, you’ve helped me eat and close that gap and between that and work I’m getting closer to back on top of that again, so I can start saving up to resume my apartment search and actually have money to give one when I find it).

Anyway, that should cover most of the questions I’ve gotten, lol, in my usual TMI sort of way. But idk, not anything to do with any of the anons I’ve had about this, but I think its useful for people to have more detailed breakdowns of stuff like that in general, because until someone’s been at the point of homelessness themselves, I think most people really don’t have any real sense of what that entails or how it happens. And that’s purely on the perception we’re given by society of homelessness and who ends up homeless and why. The poorer you get or the less able-bodied or ‘high-functioning’ (ugh hate that phrase but for lack of a better known one) you become, the more expensive it ends up being to survive, because of how fewer options society provides for you to choose from like….across the board, in every thing you do or need. And then society likes to point out the hail mary’s they grudgingly put in place to ‘catch’ the people who inevitably fall through the cracks as a result, like homeless shelters, etc, without really factoring in how little infrastructure is in place to ever actually get people back OUT of that and onto their feet again. 

And just as a general aside, but man do I haaaaaaaaate the language about homeless people winding up that way because they’re lazy, like lolololol. There is NOTHING comfortable about sleeping on the sidewalk in forty degree weather, and that’s the thing about ‘laziness’. It only actually exists when someone has a certain level of comfort, where enough of their needs are met that they can afford to put off doing something because they simply don’t want to do it right now. Nobody can afford to put off eating or having a bed to sleep in because they simply don’t want to make sure they eat or sleep that day. If a person’s not ‘productive’ enough to eat or have somewhere to sleep for a night, there’s a million reasons why that might be or what’s holding them back, but I can guarantee its not laziness.  For every homeless person you’ve ever seen sleeping on the sidewalk, I promise you there’s a person who has a story not all that innately different from mine, and one where the days, weeks or even months prior to them ending up sleeping on the street, they first were doing everything they were physically, mentally and emotionally capable of doing to KEEP from being that destitute.

But its the law of diminishing returns. If you’re already doing every single thing you possibly can without improving your situation, the only things that will ever actually improve it or help you reach a more sustainable environment/productivity level are things that come from OUTSIDE you and your own efforts, where and how other people help you out. You simply can not give anymore than you already give towards the task of surviving, when that is already literally ALL you are doing day in and day out. Some people get that outside help or support or borrowed energy from their family and never have to turn to friends or from there to strangers. Some people just don’t have that option.

And without that outside help, like, your own efforts to improve your situation and then simply to just survive…..that’s the diminishing returns part. Inevitably, they’re only going to get less and less effective, because none of us are perpetual motion machines. We can’t keep going forever and ever without ever having a chance to recharge, refuel, replenish ourselves. It’s the entropy of existence. Everything costs energy. And the harder you have to struggle to stay alive, the more energy it costs. The more you use up. The faster you fade. *Shrugs*

It’s why I firmly and 100% believe that the single most defiant act a person can make in an unfair world is to look at someone else who’s stuck in a cycle of entropic decay, who you see having their energy eaten faster and faster by an uncaring universe, and you find a way to share some of yours with them and in doing so tell the universe “not today, fucker, not on my watch. Screw your laws and your science, I’m gonna make sure they last even just a little bit longer, no matter what your fucked up physics has to say about it.”

And yeah, I freely admit that’s 100% self-serving at the moment and thus easy to say as someone who like, obviously needs and wants peoples’ help, lmao, but whatever. Still true whether its applied to me or someone else, and I’ve said it before things got this bad for me and I’ll say it again once things are better. 

Every time you help keep alive someone who by their own words is not ready to be done fighting yet, that’s a time you defied the universe and told it that it doesn’t always get what it wants either, and it can go fuck itself.

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair. 

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME! 

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

[noheroes-allowed]

week 7:

day 43: I spent too long procrastinating 4520 hw. then stayed up until 3:30 to work on it. pls let me do better than a 78% like last time

day 44: finished my work earlyish and tried to go outside for a run but my shin/ankle/fibula/whatever still isn’t healed and it makes me really sad bc I want to be faster and it’s been so long since I could run normally and it upsets me the little progress I made is now completely gone

day 45: I talked to my mom instead of studying for behavioral tomorrow. earlier today I looked at segc photo shoot pictures bc I needed to upload a pic for a usaa thing. idk how I feel about it all. I need to figure out what I want next year. I’m leaning towards vp of corporate relations but it’s a lot of responsibility and I don’t want to fuck it up. otherwise I’d want to be pm again and maybe my wants are misplaced but I think keith wants to be pm again but I want to be on his team next sem. and I can’t do that if we’re both pms. my crush is ridiculous ok. he’s not even that special like I’m projecting aren’t I. what if I’m just making myself like him bc there’s no one else who’s given me attention. not that he really does. and other people I might’ve liked in college only really last one semester then I dont really see again. but also he is special. just little things about him that I can’t let go of. like when he corrected a pronoun or danced a little to himself. I miss him I think. as much as I’ve gained in this time like getting the guts to call him, I can’t let go of the could’ve beens. also I hate the little connections I make in my daily life to him for no reason. the other day I was thinking about popcorn and it reminded me of harrison’s car. boom chicka pop. or that his mom likes apples with peanut butter like I do. yeah so I miss him probably. I wonder if he’s keeping in touch with his friends. maybe he plays video games with them. maybe they’re on group calls again. we haven’t really talked since school started again besides pset answers or segc but I know it’s hard now. just bc there’s not much new going on

day 46: lol I stayed up until like 3am again studying for the behavioral prelim but then rochelle offered to help me and I think it ended up being ok. I told myself on like tues night I’d reward myself by buying some pants I was eyeing but then they were out of stock so I spent like 6 hours shopping online and I went to bed at like 2:30 again bc I didn’t want the things in my cart to go out of stock again so. I’m dumb I wish I was more productive with my time lmao

day 47: keith actually wants to be vp of marketing bc that’s what he actually wants to do after graduating and I hope he gets it. I guess we probably won’t be on the same team next sem. I think I want to be vp of corporate relations still. but idk what initiatives I’d want to spearhead on e-board. maybe the podcast thing I’m not sure. update: I just spent like 2 hours on the app jesus fuck. I put down the podcast thing and commitment and pm training and team improvement. also ryan gives me so many headaches

day 48: keith came on like an hour later bc he said they had people over and it went longer than expected. and I had been losing the entire game and when he joined everyone was tied at 8 except me when I had 6. but then he judged one and I won a card. and then I got another card. and all of us were tied at 8. and it was my turn to judge and I basically had to figure out which one was keith’s so that the game could last another round and I had a chance of winning. and then I actually picked his card and not even bc I was looking for it but I actually thought his card was the funniest. anyways I thought that was cute. other news. I did the segc slides today for the tues presentation. divya was like you should treat this as if it was a practice run for the client which lol no. we still have work to do. also watched the entirety of never have I ever and paxton hall-yoshida. ok that’s all

day 49: never have I ever procrastinated so hard on an essay

[ac-ars]

High for this

this baby is greek i hope you like it guys

sending hugs to my fav @sky-girls because well she helped lmao

🌙

Have safe flight

Luna isn't really scared of flying, but flight from Cancun to London seemed not nice even a bit. What would she do during long ass flight, on tiny seat with some stranger next to her? She's sitting on the airport now, in the terminal, her luggage already taken to the claim and walking around all fancy expensive stores was done like half of an hour ago. Those airport benches suck, they are super uncomfortable no matter which position she takes. Currently she's texting her mom and Simón, who's picking her from Heathrow. Monica Valente asks about millions of things, if Luna took toothbrush, if she has her wallet and passport and telling her not to talk with people who look suspicious while Simón just makes fun of her, because she’s a little freaking out about Oxford.

Brunette sighs loudly letting out her disgust with the situation as some fat sweaty guy eating fries sits next to her even if there's like twenty free seats around. Luna gets up biting a growl and almost forgets her handbag from under the bench and it would mean she’s fucked, so bless that she remembered. Her flight departures in thirty minutes so it’s almost boarding time and that’s only thing that keeps Luna alive.

She holds onto her boarding pass as if it’s keeping her alive and it lowkey is, because Oxford paid for her flight and she wouldn’t want to lose this small paper. The gate is suddenly full and Luna hates the bus going straight under the plane, because she’s small. Nature, or her biological parents, didn’t give her much of the height and now she’s getting to know all of the bad parts as she’s being breathless between people and their hand baggages.

The last thing she tries to remember on the runway before getting into the aircraft is heat of Cancun, because England is cold as hell from what she’s heard from Simón and she knows she’s gonna miss it so, so much. Flight attendant checking her pass is smiling widely, almost genuinely and Luna smiles back even if it’s obvious that they just have to be nice.

She walks slowly through the aisle hoping she will get window seat, or at least not in the middle part and as soon as she gets to her number she sees some bag laying on her very seat. It's probably disgustingly expensive bag so brunette just takes it and places on the ground before sitting down and looking at the airport terminal from the window.

“Excuse me, what is my bag doing on the floor?” Slightly annoyed male voice asks and Luna sighs turning to him.

“Well, floor is more its place than my seat.” She answers with small pout not wanting to look at him again, because she wouldn’t manage being consistent while the guy looks that cute in glasses.

“You could’ve moved it to mine, though,” he mumbles messing with his hair and brushing his hand over his face. “Nevermind, it’s just a bag after all.”

Luna nods not sure what happened now, but doesn’t ask still a little confused with whole situation. She just focuses back on the window trying to ignore this feeling of familiarity when she remembers his face.

The plane is getting fuller with every minute and before she can blink the flight attendants are explaining seatbelts and other emergency things no one ever watches.

“Hey,” the guy next to her nudges her slightly when she focuses on her phone. “Watch them, it can help you one day.”

She stares at him weirdly, because that sounded almost creepy, but she just shrugs moving her eyes to the stewardess. It’s not that boring and actually lowkey helpful so she's focused on the woman until taxiing starts. Climbing passes without any turbulences or some shit and before Luna can notice they are on cruise height for next twelve hours. Amazing.

The guy next to her takes out macbook from his fancy bag and brunette snorts softly wondering what such guy is doing in economic class. Screen lights up blinding her completely and she has to blink headache away before reading Matteo Balsano on it and seeing some random beach picture on the wallpaper. Luna plans to turn her head away, but he opens some weird program that looks like those super complicated apps making music, those she saw on famous people's instas and she can't even read anything when she hears his voice.

“I know it looks cool, but staring is rude. Didn't you know that?” he asks even without moving his eyes to Luna. He bites softly his lower lip when he searches for something in the bag and his frown softens as he pulls out earphones.

“Yeah, sorry.” Luna mumbles in answer, yet doesn't take her eyes off the Matteo guy. He's wearing just dark jeans, well fitted, very well fitted and her mind instantly wonders if he will get up later to let her judge more. His light blue shirt looks super expensive and perfectly ironed and Luna isn't sure who the fuck and how old he is.

“You are still staring, this is starting to be creepy.” This time he turns to her leaning back of his head against the seat. His glasses rode down his nose a little and Luna isn't sure how she manages to keep her hand on her thigh not to fix that. There's this focused pout on his lips, as if he's unsatisfied that she interrupted, but not actually mad or something.

“I'm sorry, it's just the longest shit flight in my life and I'm not sure how I'll handle that.” Luna whines softly playing with the pillow the stewardess gave her before plane started moving.

“It's not that bad, flight from Buenos Aires is even longer and I've had few in my whole life already.” The Matteo guy has nice smile and Luna focuses on it not sure how he can be so bright when there's almost twelve hours more in the plane.

“How many times until I get used to that?” Brunette sighs looking out from the window, but seeing the pretty clouds and the sun doesn't make her any less bored.

“You don't.” He grins in this a little troublemaker way. He doesn't look like any proper snob right now, especially when he brushes his fingers through his hair. “You just find new things to do during the flight or sleep. Or you talk to random people learning new stuff, that's a way to live too.”

“And which one have you perfected?” Luna asks smiling at him when he shakes his head slightly and points with his head at the laptop. “Isn't it obvious? I'm just doing my stuff, not to mention this is my homework actually.” His lips change into thin line when he shrugs a little unsure and there's something soft in him making Luna warm a bit.

“What homework?” Shouldn't she just let him do it?

Nah, let's ask.

He smiles widely again, showing his teeth and she's not sure what now. “I think we should get some basics before sharing our private life like homework. What do you think?”

Brunette pouts looking at him suspiciously and wondering if he's making fun of her or not. Eventually she nods; there's no way she spends this shitty flight alone, staring at his laptop.

“I'm Luna,” she says with this sure tone that makes him laugh.

“I'm Matteo, but I'm lowkey sure you saw that on my laptop.”

Luna blushes turning away from him with a sigh, because with her luck she bumped into asshole. Why does life hate her?

“Okay, I was joking. Again, okay?” Matteo pokes her on the arm. “I'm Matteo, it's very nice to share my flight with you.”

“It’s very nice indeed.” She mumbles under her breath. “I'm going to new uni and I'm scared as hell.” Words leave her mouth before she can manage to stop them and apparently she needed to blurt it uncontrollably to stranger because she feels less scared now. And surprisingly Matteo isn't making any fun of her.

“That was me two years ago, same situation except new places don't really scare me since my parents were traveling like crazy. Thanks to their work.” Last sentence is said with this small bitterness and Luna wonders why, but doesn't ask letting him continue. “It won't be that bad. What are you going to study?”

“Environmental engineering, and if you mention me saving the world I'm gonna kick you.”

Matteo giggles with pretty sound and for a second she thinks he will say it, but he doesn't. “That sounds fancy as hell. I'm just plain person studying music and trying to pass with those songs I have here.” He points at the laptop and she nods, knowing what is he doing right now.

“Is it difficult? Making songs, I mean.”

He shrugs looking at the aisle. “I don't know. You just learn how to do that. You learn how to do everything there, so that's nothing unexpected.”

“You have to have an idea though.” Luna murmurs almost to herself.

Matteo looks at her with unreadable smile. “Yeah, you do.”

“Will you ever be cool enough for me to listen to you on spotify?” She jokes a little and bless him for catching it.

“I'm obviously cool enough, I'd say I'm too cool for them already.” He sends her a wink and she blushes not knowing why the hell.

“So you're more tidal person?” Luna asks more herself than him and Matteo makes terrified face shaking his head. “No way. Let's stay by the spotify.”

He is being super nice and talking to him isn't scaring her like with other people, he's apparently two years older or something so there's no big difference making her feel better. Matteo raises his eyebrows in silent question and she just nods letting him make music, no matter how curious she is of that and of him.

Luna reaches for her own earphones and puts them into her ears staring the music and leaning against the wall of the plane to sleep. It’s uncomfortable as fuck, the engines are roaring loud enough to break through her playlist, but the best brunette can do is ignore this remembering statistics about seats by the wings being the safest places to sit. This is gonna be long flight and maybe airplane mode will save a little of her battery.

🌙

When she wakes up he is sleeping. It's been like two hours of her sleep and Luna isn't any surprised since she couldn't sleep at all the night before, so that's only pro of flights duration: that she can sleep all the time. Not counting pain in her neck, of course.

Matteo is sleeping almost like it's trouble less to sleep in the plane, like it's super comfy and easy and Luna isn't sure if it's because everything he does seems easy or just he got used to that. His arm is pressed against hers yet she doesn't mind at all, even if she doesn't know him at all she likes him enough to let him be close. It's weird feeling, but it's not like Luna is able to fight with her feelings.

She focuses on the sight from the window and it hasn't changed a bit so she takes out the tablet her aunt sent her from Buenos Aires for birthday. Poor Rey had to fly straight to Cancun  to give her small box and birthday card with this annoyed face and even if Luna doesn't like him at all she still felt a bit bad.

She opens some random book trying to concentrate on the words and it's lowkey working until Matteo starts to stir on his seat. At some point he moves even closer to her and his head is completely, undeniably on Luna's arm making her almost choke. He reaches for her hand in his sleep just having it between his fingers and doesn't move more, letting her try to guess what is happening here. Brunette eventually just sighs and allows him to do that as long as he's not acting like a freak psycho. She just tangles their fingers reading without a break and that's when she notices his glasses are off. There's no way she would look at him directly without moving him and it means waking up as well, but she wants to see if he's as cute without glasses as is wearing them. Or if she'd describe him with other adjective.

Matteo wakes up himself when she finishes the chapter four and shakes his head moving away.

“I was sleeping on your arm?” Luna just nods. “I'm sorry, I'm not that clingy and this was weird.”

“It’s fine,” she giggles. “I'm still surprised I didn't do the same. I probably will from now on knowing that I can.”

“I wouldn't mind that at all.” He chuckles and brunette watches him asking herself if he's flirting with her and why he looks so hot right now without glasses, his hair messier than earlier and this low deep voice after sleep.

Luna is torn between stating it's because pills with hormones she started taking few weeks ago are working or if it's because him being him that she wants to kiss him.

Probably both.

“Just go to sleep, Matteo.” Brunette smiles at him with a nod and maybe it works; he closes his eyes with lazy grin leaning against his seat and there's this cold place now where his head used to rest.

🌙

It's like fifth hour of the flight when they are wordlessly focused on their things as Matteo is still trying to do something with one song while drinking his coffee. Luna doesn't want to interrupt him even when questions are gathering in her head so she just looks at him from above her tablet.

“Luna,” he mumbles, “could you please not watch me with those eyes?”

Sigh leaves from between his lips and he closes the laptop making her feel bad. “I'm sorry, I just hate this book.”

Corner of his mouth curls up to lopsided smirk. “You want me to distract you? I can tell you statistics about plane sex if you want.”

Luna chokes on the water she was drinking before he said that, hard enough that she has to lean down to her knees as he starts giggling.

“Your face was perfect at the moment.” Another giggle leaves his mouth and she glares at him.

“If you want me to shut up and leave you alone, you had to just say that, not try to make me drown.”

He pouts leaning a little closer. “I don't want you to shut up. You are taking my jokes too serious. And I surely don't want you to drawn.”

“Fine, fine.” Luna murmurs with small sigh. “I'm going to nap.” She throws him a look before leaning against the wall again and she guesses that this tiny blink of disappointment in his eyes is just her imagination.

🌙

“Luna, hey, I need you.” Someone whispers straight into her ear and she jumps on her seat.

“What? What happened?”

“Sorry for waking you up.” Matteo smiles awkwardly. “But I need your help.”

“Okay I guess.” She yawns softly in her arm and turns to him blinking.

He bites on his lower lip taking all of her focus for a second. “I have a problem here and I'm not sure how to connect those two parts.” He slides his finger over the screen. “I don't knowing I should just put them together or fade in this shit. Can you tell me which works better?”

Brunette raises her eyebrows at him. “You know I'm not some fancy music judge?” He nods and she nods him back reaching for the earphone he gives her.

Both options sound good and Luna blesses her sleepiness, because damn this song and damn his voice but this is ridiculously good. She tries to act casual, but wouldn't she be Luna Valente if she kept her cool. “The first one. I mean this song is quick so I guess quick change works here.”

The smile he gives her could move the clouds away from sun's way. “Thanks, you're my hero.”

“If I'm your hero,” she starts, “is there any way you could send me that? I wanna listen more.”

Luna is sure she's seeing impossible, but there's tiny pink tint on his cheeks when she says that. That's super cute.

“As long as you don't sell it when I'm famous.” Matteo smirks making her roll her eyes.

“How much more do you have to do though?” Brunette asks curiously and he hums thinking. “We have six more hours to go so I'll probably be dying of boredom later, because I'm almost done now. I actually thought it would take more, but here you came to save me.”

“You're ridiculous.” She giggles and he chuckles

“But really, as your hero I want to listen more.”

“What do you want to listen?” He asks reaching for his phone.

“You.”

Smile on his face makes her sure she said it in wrong way. When he opens his mouth he just confirms that. “I can always talk to you.” Matteo mumbles with low voice leaning his face closer to her; close enough that their noses are touching now and Luna is surely going to die, without even getting to her destination.

“What would you even talk to me?” She asks not knowing why the fuck she's flirting back.

“I don't know, I'm sure that your boring book would be interesting while read with my voice.”

“You are so full of yourself, Matteo Balsano.” Luna shakes her head tapping his nose.

“That is called being confident and knowing myself, Luna whatever you last name is.”

She has to laugh in her pillow, because it would be definitely too loud. “Just give me the songs, please.”

“Oh, I surely will. You have to spread my blessing around the world saying that this is the great guy who entertained me during my flight to Heathrow, singing and making me shiver.”

“You know what, I don't want the songs now.” She sticks her tongue out at him.

He pokes her on the ribs. “Of course you do, I'm willing to send them to you, or more like copy by the cable since there’s no connection here.”

Luna sighs giving him her phone and watches him as he seems to perfectly know how it all works. Before she can blink he gives her her phone back lacing their fingers for a second by the way and he points at his cheek.

Brunette shakes her head taking out her earphones again, but he moves to her still showing his cheek.

“Will you leave me alone if I do this?”

“I will even let you sleep on my arm.” Matteo sends her a wink and she sighs before pressing her lips to his skin. He seems to be super smug after that, yet Luna just chuckles resting her head on his arm.

“Sweet dreams,” he mumbles into her hair with soft voice and she hides in his neck nuzzling slightly.

🌙

There's definitely too much sleeping in this position for one flight, but this time when Luna is slowly awake it's surely warmer. She can't move much, because his arm is around her shoulders pulling her closer and no matter how weird it feels, it's more comfortable so brunette decides to stay.

“You're comfy,” she whispers and hears his yawn.

“Of course I am. Go to sleep.”

“Matteo?” Luna asks softly and he hums her to continue. “Did you bump into me in Cancun few years ago or it's just me being paranoid?”

Neither of them opens their eyes when he takes deep breath moving his chest up. “If you were this clumsy delivery girl, then yes. And it was you who crashed into me.”

“You were stupid enough to make some tricks on the sidewalk for normal people.”

He chuckles pulling her hair a little. “Shut up or I'll tell you the statistics. They are really shocking.”

Luna growls into his neck. “How have I managed handling you for ten hours so far?”

“The better question is how did I manage handling you, little lady. You're demanding all of my attention like a puppy.”

“I'm sure you are the cat out of two of us.” She pouts against his skin and he trembles softly, surprising her.

“Yeah.” His voice shaky. “I'm the cat.”

🌙

“It wasn't that bad.” Luna exclaims as they are leaving their seats. Matteo only rolls his eyes mumbling something about not that bad for her, but she shrugs it off.

The cold hits her immediately after getting out of the plane and, to her surprise, he throws his jacket over her shoulders rubbing them a little.

He is waiting for her to get her luggage even if he got his own few minutes before (his suitcase completely fancy and expensive as hell of course). He even helps her to get it out of the line and walk away for her to gather herself together.

“I hope you won't get lost anywhere in England.” Matteo sends her wide grin.

“My best friend is waiting for me, ready to drive me straight to my dorm at uni now.” Luna shrugs with awkward smile.

“Bless them then. I have to go, because my idiot friend is texting me like stupid that he missed me.” He murmurs dismissing the call again.

“Yeah sure. Good luck with the homework.” She nods while he is playing with strap of her bag. “Wait, the jacket.”

“No, have it. I doubt I will need it more than Mexican girl in England.” Matteo shakes his head.

“How will I give it back?” Brunette frowns scrunching her nose.

“You know what they say,” he smirks at her charmingly. “What happened twice will surely happen for the third time.”

She looks at him speechless and with kiss in the corner of her mouth he's gone. Walking towards arrivals terminal with confident moves picking up his phone finally. Luna can only stare at his back wondering what just happened, why the hell she can't breathe and why the fuck she didn't kiss him when she had the chance.

🌙

Oxford is weird. Her new uniform is even weirder and lowkey uncomfortable, but she will get used to it soon. Luna happened to get scholarship because of her exam results and she got one of those fancy dorms with two rooms so she can close herself and scream when she needs.

Nina, her roommate seems very nice and Luna is already sure that she's the good kind of roommates, not the one stealing food from the fridge. Simonetti showed her around since she's been here few days longer and Luna was charmed with excitement in Nina's voice when they were entering the library.

Sadly she couldn't help Valente with getting her schedule and just said something about student council having all of them so Luna has to go and talk with older snobs to know what classes she has.

Not to mention getting lost around the campus. Shit.

She's walking through some big hallway, trying to avoid bumping into the people and cursing in her mind the tie in for choking her slightly. There's big lump in her throat when she knocks to the council's door and she has to take deep breath.

The place has few desks and seems more chill than everything Luna has ever seen here so far. There's dark blue couch by the window and people inside don't seem to notice her at first. She looks around seeing big board on the wall and there are some things written with fancy font. Next to it she notices big calendar with Oxford pics and Luna snorts softly. Brunette notices two girls plus Ámbar, Luna's cousin, what doesn't surprise her at all, and there's probably some guy leaning against the desk or sitting on it, but she can't see him since Ámbar is covering his face.

Luna clears her throat and the very second they all stare at her she chokes.

“Luna?” Both Ámbar and Matteo Balsano out of all people ask in the unison.

She smiles awkwardly waving at them and Matteo jumps off the desk taking his jacket by the way.

“Do you need anything?” His voice sounds almost concerned, but Luna knows he tries to keep his chill and act as casually as possible. According to Ámbar’s surprised look, he is failing big time. Not to mention he speaks Spanish, not English

“My friend told me you would give me my schedule.” Luna mumbles looking around, not sure why she's suddenly shy next to him. He nods slightly and goes to the shelves on the wall, taking some binder and flipping through it to find the right paper. Girls are staring at her with something in their eyes, bug they look away as soon as Ámbar sends them killing glare.

He looks definitely too serious to be the Matteo she had seen during the flight, but she doesn't want to think about it now not to be disappointed. In a second she has her schedule in her hands and with small thank you she wants to leave. He stops her though.

“I'll walk you to the class since the campus is a mess and you might get lost here.”

Luna nods waiting for him to put on his uniform jacket and he rests his hand on her waist when they are leaving the council's place.

Matteo stops just as soon as the door is closed behind. “Well,” he is suddenly smirking at her, not caring about everyone around staring at him. “It's nice to meet you again, Luna. Welcome to the University of Oxford.”