#the abandonment trauma is hitting rn

[notblue-bandit]

oh also i got told im getting laid off from my job. yk the one that literally pulled me out of my months long depressive episode, the one that gives me a reason to keep going when i dont want to? the one that helped me find purpose in my life. teehee i guess im not allowed to keep anything nice in my life

[pricemarshfield]

the wolf of derevnya hitting me with some REALLY good lines

[angeltism]

noooo martha ywou silly little thing don't start overthinking and worrying the moment you wake up hahaha (please don't please don't please don't please-)

[melrosing]

add the copenhagen trilogy to the my brilliant friend subgenre 😔 the childhood section REALLY hit like the first two books of my brilliant friend (less of a focus on female friendship—though there is a bit of it—but really captures that mid-20th c european working class childhood haunted by poverty misogyny and political upheaval + fantasies about getting away and strong prose) if u have any other recs PLEASE lmk because i'm also in my brilliant friend withdrawal ahhhh

ooh thank you so much for the rec! my friend actually also recced it to me a couple months back so I think I should really check it out soon. currently im in the middle of an mbf rewatch cos think im already anticipating the withdrawal after S4 💀

I wish I had more recs that hit in exactly the same way…. I liked Swing Time by Zadie Smith which was I think quite directly inspired by MBF (as in I think Smith outright says it is?? not certain but I know she loves MBF either way). and that’s about two black British girls growing up together in London. the first couple of acts I remember being fantastic but then Smith gets distracted by a bizarre subplot involving a secondary character that imo derails the book. still a great final chapter. also rec NW and White Teeth by Smith. Book of Goose by Yiyun Li is like if you simplified MBF to its barest essentials, good enough read but all the way through I was like I knoooow that’s what inspired this. so plot wise those are the nearest things I know but some other books that are maybe not quite the same hit but kind of scratch a similar spot for me:

The Country Girls trilogy by Edna O’Brien - this actually has a lot of similarities with MBF, it’s a Bildungsroman about Irish girlhood etc, studied this as part of a modern Irish lit module at uni and have thought about it often since

Patrick Melrose quintet by Edward St Aubyn - another Bildungsroman about the title character growing up in an abusive household and fighting through the trauma of it in adulthood, this also has an amazing HBO adaptation that I would rewatch if it weren’t so fucking painful lol

anything by Natalia Ginzburg - know Ferrante likes Ginzburg and I am a recent convert. I think her understated and straightforward style is very effecting and her stories are also generally portraits of the postwar Italian middle class

I’m Supposed to Protect You From All This by Nadja Spiegelman. if you know Maus (the graphic novel), this is a memoir by the writer’s daughter about her mother’s side of the family. it’s my favourite memoir I think I’ve ever read and kind of transformed the way I saw my own mother and grandmother lol

Breasts & Eggs by Mieko Kawakami - also has a lot of interesting conversations about womanhood, gender and sexuality and there are scenes in that book I think about all the time

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee - everyone and their grandmother recommends this but imo it is that good. yet another Bildungsroman but about a Korean woman living in postwar Japan

anyway might be loads I can’t remember rn but any of the above I really rec! also I’m like one away from reading everything of Ferrante’s and I haven’t found a dud yet. second fave for now is The Days of Abandonment which I think some day would make a great art house horror film lol

[scyfozoa]

Tell about your ocs pls 83

HI ofc i will !!! rn im Very fucking hyperfixated on my genshin oc so it will be abt him ...

his name is kou! hes an half adeptus (his father was an adeptus), and hes half liyuenian - snezhnayan.

he has been living in liyue his whole life – when he was 5, his mother had to leave liyue and go back to snezhnaya, due to her being in the fatui. they were in a very bad financial spot and she had no choice but go back. so in the end, she left kou with his father, who of course she trusted the most in the world. but sadly, she was wrong.

it was only a few months after when kous father basically got bored of taking care of him. he didnt want to have a child constantly being in his way, so he decided to just abandon him, leaving him in some private orphanage. (he thought of other ways to get rid of him though – leave him with another adeptus ( which wouldnt work because kous father was not liked by the other adepti; or send him to the house of the hearth – he didnt want to travel that far).

due to the fact that kous mother was constantly on the move, she didnt have an address that letters were sent to – instead, it was passed from one fatui agent to another. so when she finally recieved the letter from her husband talking about how he abandoned their son and is leaving them both, already 3 and a half months have passed.

immediately after, kou's mother went back to liyue, even if for a single day. she got kou out of the orphanage, and brought him to one good friend she made in liyue – baizhu, who only graduated from the akademiya a few years prior. (im still an akademiya student baizhu believer okay let me cope) from that day onwards, baizhu has been taking care of kou.

now all grown up, kou has been working in the bubu pharmacy for baizhu. he feels as if he has to repay him, despite baizhu constantly reasurring him otherwise. they dont really see each other as father-son, more like uncle-nephew (kou calls him uncle zhuzhu btw😭😭)

kou is a very secluded person, mostly due to his trauma from being abandoned as a child and the abuse he endured in the orphanage (which i wont get into here). also add autism to the mix and being trans, so the young adeptus feels like theres gigantic walls between him and literally everyone else.

when he was younger, he thought he didnt fit into the human society because of being a half-adeptus, and vice versa. but no matter what he does, he cant fit into any of them (its autism. i project HARD onto him.)

about relationships – other than the close relationship he has with baizhu, he sees qiqi has his little sister. but other than that, he never had any "real" friends – that was until gaming came into the picture, introduced to him by baizhu. he was frequently delivering stuff from to the bubu pharmacy to make as much money as possible, as it was right after he ran away (i hc that gaming ran away at like nearly 15 years old, and that hes 18 when we meet him ingame; him and kou are the same age, kou only a few weeks older).

the two of them instantly felt connected by each other, despite their personalities being complete polar opposites. but they had their similarities �� very troubled family situation, feeling like they were alone in the world (+ both of them were early into their transitions - yes all my faves get hit with transgender beam. gaming included. kouming t4t to me.)

the two grew extremely close, being each others absolute best friends in the whole world, but with time, their friendship grew into something more – and they have been dating for a few months now.

thanks to gaming, kou started to open up to more people and made some more friends :3. hes good friends with xingqiu, bc bookworms. kou tells xingqiu about snezhnayan literature often.

other than that – kou's relationship with his mother consists of a monthly letter from the latter. both kou and his mother want to have a normal relationship and they miss each other terribly, but kous mother has to stay in the fatui due to now being a really high ranking fatui operative, directly working with the 7th harbringer, sandrone. (well its quite a stretch to call their relationship a purely work based one, but ill save that for a diff post about kous mother. iykyk) so once a month kou is visited by two fatui agents sent by his mother to check up on him – aleksander and adrianna. over the years all three grew really close, kou often dragging the two to visit his favourite spots in liyue.

last relationship – kou has an older sister. his mother was married once before, having a single daughter, but due to personal conflicts and her previous-previous husband not liking that she was in the fatui, they divorced, the daughter staying with her father. shes 9 years older than kou, travelling thru teyvat looking for inspiration for her clothes – she runs fashion shows all over teyvat, often collaborating with the chioriya boutique.

these two only recently started to get close after their mother made them meet up – ever since, they frequently write to each other and kous sister loves to send him clothes she sew for him. i dont have much more about her atm tho, still designing her.

ok . sorry for yapping a lot. and sorry if some rhings r confusing, i still dont have names for kous parents and his sister 🥲 heres some kou art, im working on his full ref sheet + splash art right now !!

[lumilasi]

I figured that since I won't be likely to draw Evena much despite her being semi-important, a bust shot portrait is honestly enough of a ref; She's just wearing a gown with sandals most of the time as well, and her hair is the most important design element due to the lore behind it.

....I did think of drawing her wings too, but RN I have no ideas for how they'd look exactly, so I'll add them later sometime. They'd likely just be varying shades of green mantis-like wings. Naturally

Her bio below:

Age: she's considered to be in her 50:ies by fae standards, is likely older from human perspective.

Nicknames: Eva

Family: Husband Kenzo, Brother-in-law Yuuji, Daughter Avane

Friends: Marci Raye (her husband's former pupil)

Love interest: Her husband Kenzo

Former special operative working under her then-future-husband, Currently being treated in a mental health temple

Personality:

She used to be a very calm and patient person with a good sense of humor, and ability to stay calm under pressure. She was also fairly parental towards everyone she was responsible for, such as her younger teammates or Kenzo's (former) young pupil Marci.

After the incident where she and Avane almost died, Evena slowly became bitter, erratic and easily provoked, to the point she became a danger for herself and her family. She is now very quiet and prefers being left alone, or at least she claims so most of the time. Her mind is a mess and she's often not thinking very rationally.

She struggles with feelings of guilt (for not noticing the threat on time and not being able to protect her toddler in her mind), abandonment (for being placed in the facility, even if it treats the patients well enough/having her husband not visit her much anymore, OR her daughter) envy (feeling like her husband cares more about his job than her/sometimes even gets jealous over Avane still getting attention from her dad) and anger towards Kenzo, blaming him what happened. (it was an unforeseen incident that neither could have really predicted, and when she is more clear headed, she understands and knows this too)

She sometimes, in her more irrational moments, even blames Ava and is jealous of her for "turning out fine" despite going through the same situation. Even though she was way too young to even remember what happened. She does remember her mother lashing out at her dad for seemingly no reason more and more, though....

Abilities:

She was an excellent archer and sniper, being able to hit her targets accurately from very far away.

She can summon and hide her wings at will, or at least used to be able to; nowadays she struggles to pull them out.

Evena was always a good tactician and able to think and plan in the moment.

She had a fairly good close-combat skills too, though preferred long range weapons and stealthy approach.

Weaknesses:

Her trauma has made her unable to utilize majority of her fighting skills now, and she'll sometimes have random flashbacks that'll cause her to either panic or have a violent fit.

Her relationship with her family has strained due to her bad mental state, as she tends to lash out and argue with both, sometimes with irrational accusations. Evena always hates it when it happens afterwards, but she is really struggling with herself; her mind is fighting against her as she puts it sometimes.

She can't summon her wings properly anymore, and is insomniac as well.

Extra Facts

Avane is trying to get her dad to realize that him avoiding her is making things worse, but so far she's had no luck with it.

Yuuji is the only one who still visits her regularly, and also the only one she doesn't really lash out at much, given he wasn't directly involved in the incident.

Evena has been in the facility since Ava was 7, the incident happened when she was 3. She did get to leave occasionally during the past 19 years, but seemed to always relapse when she did.

During those 4 years before she went for psychological care, Evena essentially tried to grin and bear it, not want to admit she'd been traumatized despite the sings becoming more and more obvious overtime.

There is a theory that the reason why she's not getting better may also include a spiritual angle on top of psychology; some doctors speculate the werewolf who attacked them might've cursed her before he was killed by Kenzo & Marci. If this is the case though, they haven't yet found signs of it. (This is in fact true, it is part of the whole overarching story, where Ava finds out with her boss' Jurou's help that this is what's hindering her recovery)

Ava hasn't told her mom about her boyfriend Roman, given he is part Werewolf. She is worried about her lashing out over it, or even trying to attack Roman in worst case scenario.

Kenzo does still love her deeply, but he doesn't know how to handle her situation, hence he's started avoiding her and burying himself in his work to ignore the problem.

[ramonag-if]

this is seriously my favourite game rn BECAUSE of how you delivered the angst with mc's entire family. i was playing it and i was like omg... for me 🫶🏾

personally i HATE salyra as i have mommy issues™️ and her betrayal hits hard, and ahlf breaks my heart whenever i think about how he thought of mc as salyras child and not quite his. mc has a wonderful extended family and my mc is so glad to have met them, but ever since they found out about them has been suspicious of salyra. they always thought the chances of her surviving were low, but for some reason started feeling like perhaps their mother dearest was alive and well and doing what she does best: fighting crime even if it meant abandoning her own family (or in the mcs case it seems, use her family to further her goals). still, they never would have thought she wouldve gone off and had another family. in the middle of a war. after she abandoned mc and her other family members.

and my mc is a irus-mancer so the only person they feel like they can trust (at the current point in the game, where they arent with their family) is him, which is ironic to them because the only reason theyre alive is because their father wanted them to help irus. it seems like everyone in mcs life wants to exploit them somehow. anyway if it isnt obvious my mc is VERY angsty. its the childhood trauma and not being in a loving home 🤌🏾 perfect

anyway this got EXTREMELY LONG IM SO SORRY I JUST REALLY love your game, im sure i didnt get the characters motivations right but i am only a reader and this is just my interpretation... i love your game i appreciate your work youre doing so well 💖

Thank you so much! I'm so honoured that you enjoyed the game and the angst 💖🌼

Ah yes, Salyra has brought out a lot of feelings from players and I'm happy to see that you've felt so strongly about Salyra's reappearance 👀

One of themes of the game, while not outwardly stated is fate and whether everything that has happened to the MC is because of their choices or fate. Who knows, maybe the MC and Irus had to meet 😆

You're free to interpret the characters how you want 💖 This is an IF and while I do have a specific plot in mind, I do know that characters can be viewed quite differently by players so feel free to think what you want about their actions.

[novaauster]

HELLOOOOOOOOO im reading the narines fic and thought id live react here bc i just KNOW im gonna have THOUGHTS let's go!

"The prince--king--piece of shit-- is obsessed" off the bat i love your nate characterisation like his povs always have that snarky edge to them and u got that off the bat

"He’s in his dressing gown. White silk, tied with a wound-dark sash at his waist, open down the navel. His snake, Kidaro, is slung around his neck like a priest’s stole, warming itself on his skin." THIS FREAK RIGHT HERE HAS CAUSED EVERYONE ALL MANNER OF PROBLEMS TONIGHT. TOXIC YAOI WONT FIX HIM BUT IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT ALL

"a fanatic to the hate that he inherited" LOVE this wording

THEY'RE SUCH CUNTS TO EACH OTHER I LOVE IT

IT'S THE KIND OF DARKNESS YOU PRAY TO HMMMM

the way the signs of respect and fear are overlapping ohhhh i love that

'“It is a small room in which nobles and officials debate policy decisions…” Herines launches into an automatic explanation before remembering who he’s talking to. “You’ll see, raven.”' actually laughed out loud at this bc it's SO HIM. herines is a nerd first tyrant second

THE FIREEEEEEEEEE OMG

"A clear-headed Herines is a dangerous Herines, one that looks at him, curious, like something to dissect, one that could figure out that Nate can heal himself but he can’t regrow an amputation. He can’t survive a decapitation, and Herines’ dagger is long enough to try it." your writing is so captivating im literally here like OMG WHAT NEXT at every sentence they're CRAZY crazy

"'I fucked your brother" THE WAY MY HANDS FLEW TO MY MOUTH. INSANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IM GOING INSANE

'declawed' is an excellent way of describing nate when he hits his exhaustion

NATE IS GETTING BATTERED RN OH MY GOD MY BOY GET UPPPP YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US 😭

also having nate repeatedly break his bones to escape his restraints is such a cool move bc it's SO something he would do

"What made you?" "You did." YOU'RE PAYING FOR MY THERAPY

THAT WAS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. YEAH I BASHED HIS FACE IN WITH AN OIL LAMP AND HE KILLED ME WITH THE SASH OF MY OWN ROBE BUT WE ALSO FUCKED NASTY. WE EXIST

genuinely that was so so so good i literally had heart palpitations i was so excited i cant believe there's tbos fic on ao3 now im losing my MINDDDDDDDDDDDd i will reread this 5 more times tonight probably

omg tysm!!!!

nate's characterization is extremely fun, if there is one word i'd use to describe it's instigator. he's not stupid but he will always say the bitchiest thing possible at any possible moment and i love him for it. rin is also such a freak i can't fathom what is wrong with him. what mommy issues will do to an mf in charge of a country on the verge of civil war. i was extremely proud of the fanatic line

"it's the darkness you pray to" was also a fun one, yeah. nate's relationship with the gods that gave him his powers and then abandoned him. darkness, something that might be profound and beautiful, but still by definition hinders any human. the overlap between respect and fear as a result of nate's trauma as an oppressed wiser and a violent rebel

rin's nerdiness was just delightful. like yes he wants to dissect nate like a cow's eyeball and yes he uses his intelligence for evil. but that is by nurture, by nature he's just curious. and it was very intentional that the things that make him snap are the thought that nate might've hurt drako and then later that nate is hurting kidaro

"declawed" was definitely a choice of words, i was googling "synonyms for harmless" because harmless is not at all how i would describe him, and eventually it came to me. and yeah he's really getting battered. it's hard to balance or strike with your hands cuffed behind your back. F in the chat for my boy

"what made you" "you did" the drama. the intimacy. the way rin is searching in the wisers for an origin to the cracks in his family but his family made the cracks in the wisers instead. nate might be an instigator but rin is a tyrant and he sees that when he looks in the mirror. they're character foils your honor

again, thanks for the ask!! :-D

[this-should-do]

OUGH the tags about the toxic love story, I NEED to see ur toxic Barney and Gordon PLEASEUH

bestie im afraid that i dont particularly have anyhting to show rn, most of it is just words in my head, at most i have the last drawings at teh end of this post that are in reference to a sequel to a story me n a friend are wanting to write lmao but yeah, i love mkaing shit up about characters that have littel to no development in canon

to sum up, barney has ISSUES from before the rescas that cause him to latch onto gordon BAD and he never quite fets over it during those 20 years becuz trauma really prevents you from processing shit especially when ur arney who just refuses to take the time to actually tink about his issues outside a horribly self demeaning and sabotaging way if he isnt actively repressing them, so tehn when gordon shows back up (with his own issues well talk about in a minute) he reignites a bunch of feelings barney had but they get buried under 20 years of resentment and dissillusionment as well as the feeling that are reignitied are twisted and fucked up by rosetinted lenses about who gordon was so when gordon shows up with his brand new issues as in from the last day of just the rescas plus the newer issues of hte past 5 minutes of being luanched into a future where everything is different frmo what he knows when he is a man of staticness and immutable reality tethering him to proper functiong, he just cant handle it so when he isnt acting like a machine to cope with war hes trying to act like things are the same as they were before and in his hurting lowkey tries to force others he knew (particulalry barney cuz they were very close before the rescas, though they had not reached a confession state yet) to act liek they did before without meaning to by way of only responding as a person would when they perform to standard, otherwise he tends to shut down mentally, always counting and documenting when things are different without meaning to int turn the way this behavior affects barney is that becuz barney is a guy who tends to force negative feelings down and always try to be funny while simultaneously keeping everyone at arms distance, forces himself to playthe role of himself 20 years ago to his own harm while constantly flipping between keeping gordon at arms length (which hits the counter gordon has for howt higns are different without him even realizing it becuz ona surface level barney is acting the same, leading to a faster breakdown of his part) and jealous possession of gordon and wanting to keep gorodn to himself becuz in his brain he knew and cared for gordon more than anyone else and that he was first and gordon is HIS friend and his person to love (this also sets of gordons counter in a different way becuz its still not quite how barney was before, but thats to be expected nobody can act as they were before perectly even someone as adept at pretending ot be anyone but himself as barney is) however by constantly trying to keep up the old him persona, he feels unloved as himself further cementing the idea that he ash to keep up the act otherwise gordon wont love or care for him which further spoils gordon in his own mind despite his unhealthy attachment to gordon who had been a piece of the past to hold close to himself for comfort over 20 years, making their relationship very muddy this is all of course ignoring the pain that preceeds a state where this dynamic would occur , meaning thetime during the games before a peace time, where 99% of the time gordon is locke dup nerneath his Freeman persona which upsets barney who has to deal with all the rough edges he forgot about plus more so he starts to resent gordon not just for in his eyes abandoning him but also for not being the same as he remembered, a similar but different struggle to gordon, which inturn causes barney to lean into this distant but casual persona we see in game, perceptively frineds enough that people can tell but no where near what you might expect someone who was such close frineds with someone who disappeared for 20 years might act

so essentailly they are contantly doign things unintentionally or not that hurt the other or make their own self hurt, or having an unhealthy attachment to the other lmao now i also have more about their relationship that develops in a story me and a friend are rying to pull together, but that part of it wouldnt happen for sosososoos long same for the stroy it self being published lmao, but just know that it relies on barneys obsession and selfishness and possessiveness over gordon and having to deal with someone else being close to him when he couldnt be there after losing gordon a 2nd time vis a vis epistle 3 shenangians

[thisismyachinganchor]

my feelings from a text..

I guess, I’m just angry. I guess I feel like I shouldn’t be angry about feeling alone in times like this but I am. I never told you but the last time I saw my mom she had her life together. She used me, she used our situation for herself and despite the both of us being affected by the strain, the lack of food, the lack of financial security, when I saw her she was able to get out of it. Her credit went up, she paid off her debt, and she gained the trust of people in our family who before I moved to Maryland had so much to say about her and how she showed up in our relationship. The day I stood up to everyone about the dynamics at play in our family, they dogged me. I had a cousin who told me, “ fuck your trauma.” And when I tried to confront it I was responsible for why he said it in the first place. I’m responsible for why I’m going through the shit I’ve been through and still go through. She gets none, I mean NONE, of the weight of what any of this feels like. To be abandoned, to have no/minimal family to go to when you’re in need or you just wanna be held or told everything’s gonna be okay. I have to experience being on my own everyday of my life. & I’m not talking about the everyday adult shit. The shit I can handle. I’m talking about waking up and never receiving an apology. One time my mom told me I’ll tell you I’m sorry but I won’t keep apologizing because once should be enough. I’m just tired.. and I’m pissed off. I’m 30 years old and I know, I know I need to be strong rn but how do you explain not being strong enough when you’ve felt like an adult your whole fucking life. I couldn’t even be a kid cos I was living with a bitch who sucked as much life and joy out of me because she had none. I’m just tired of carrying all of this on me. Sometimes I wanna hit up my family and say fuck them fr. Like y’all failed me and everyday I gottaswallow that shit cos society don’t gaf about what I got going on. I gotta keep pushing. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted

[puseynegus]

My feelings from a text..

I guess, I’m just angry. I guess I feel like I shouldn’t be angry about feeling alone in times like this but I am. I never told you but the last time I saw my mom she had her life together. She used me, she used our situation for herself and despite the both of us being affected by the strain, the lack of food, the lack of financial security, when I saw her she was able to get out of it. Her credit went up, she paid off her debt, and she gained the trust of people in our family who before I moved to Maryland had so much to say about her and how she showed up in our relationship. The day I stood up to everyone about the dynamics at play in our family, they dogged me. I had a cousin who told me, “ fuck your trauma.” And when I tried to confront it I was responsible for why he said it in the first place. I’m responsible for why I’m going through the shit I’ve been through and still go through. She gets none, I mean NONE, of the weight of what any of this feels like. To be abandoned, to have no/minimal family to go to when you’re in need or you just wanna be held or told everything’s gonna be okay. I have to experience being on my own everyday of my life. & I’m not talking about the everyday adult shit. The shit I can handle. I’m talking about waking up and never receiving an apology. One time my mom told me I’ll tell you I’m sorry but I won’t keep apologizing because once should be enough. I’m just tired.. and I’m pissed off. I’m 30 years old and I know, I know I need to be strong rn but how do you explain not being strong enough when you’ve felt like an adult your whole fucking life. I couldn’t even be a kid cos I was living with a bitch who sucked as much life and joy out of me because she had none. I’m just tired of carrying all of this on me. Sometimes I wanna hit up my family and say fuck them fr. Like y’all failed me and everyday I gotta swallow that shit cos society don’t gaf about what I got going on. I gotta keep pushing. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted

[x-other-souled-x]

Dumb ramble time!

Gonna hit whatever cones to mind so this is probably going to be disjointed, but we are having a Lot of Thoughts rn cuz we relaxing hella. Also our phone keeps trying to autocorrect real and correctly spelled and used words into other words, like "we ARE having" became "we ATE having" and many instances of changing "you" to "i" and the other way around, so if there's any of that in here we didn't catch then oops my bad we are zooming and the breaks are broken OKAY GO!

××××××××××××××××

Thinking about it, in the case of introjecting characters, we tend to only pick one guy out of the cast to come live with us. Except in the one case we yoinked The Twins, even tho one of our other introjected members is also canonically a twin and he didn't get his brother. This does sometimes cause feelings of longing and loneliness despite any type of potential exomemory being extremely rare with us.

In-system romantic relationships feels like a touchy subject with us. I mean amongst ourselves anyway. When you have some members who staunchly believe thats "not a real thing" and that it's harmful, but then the majority of the rest of the system is like "nah who gives a shit, it's comforting". It hurts my head whenever it comes up because everyone is so damn opinionated in here. We have some of what would be called "problematic relationships" as well, but it sucks we can't really talk about them. It's not like it's anyone else's business so that helps, but it feels like when you're suppressing expressing yourself. Sucks. What if my love language is being publicly gross so everyone knows how much I'm gonna smooch up my partner?

I think it's stupid when others try to hold traumatized people to some impossible standard of being a "good trauma victim" as if the traumatized beings won't be fucked up in some way. Yes yes responsibility is not being handwaved away here, I'm no talking about that. I mean how hostile some ppl are to dark and taboo themes in fiction and that presenting itself in system members sometimes. Like how I see way too much pedantic bullshit about how any system member who identifies themselves as a younger age than the body can NOT have a sexual drive or they are actually somehow gross and a bad victim. Be for fucking real, will you?

Unfortunately the cozy position we were in to type has been compromised. (Totally chill, normal way.) So although I'm sure we have more to say, we must abandon our comfy post and face the world.

[general-kalani]

" ⭐"

{ Prompt from here! }

ALRIGHT SO I'll do this by current fandoms AND characters I write in so LETS BEGIN

Under a read more because it's long!!

Don't want to read it? Here's the overview:

Most likely people I'd throw at Audrey: Knoxx, Hammerlock and Wainwright, Mordecai, Steele, TK, Zane(?), Harlock, Bruno(?), Muckenberger, Reinhard and Kircheis, Kesler, Sheryl(?), Gloval, Claudia and Roy, Domel, Berger, Dietz, Gimleh(?), Vance, Sanada, Nazca(?)

Hmu if you wanna discuss anything!!

Azur Lane: Honestly if Audrey wasn't SUPER out of place there, the Belorussiya would've taken Audrey under cannons and protected the shit out of her. So we ignore Azur Lane for that reason of it being WAY too much of a crossover lmfao

Borderlands: We still DO have the potential of Knoxx and Audrey I mean really that's just super funny potential and Steele is also in this area (albeit a little injured).

Vince is a little shit WAY too often so he'd die in the first meeting.

Hammerlock and Wainwright would adopt her on the spot I am SO SORRY LMFAO they'd only glance at her and be like "well she's in the family now."

We don't talk about my man Blake we know her distrust of Hyperion ;-;.

Katagawa would also die on first meeting with her.

Mordecai would be a real threat for teaching her how to fire a sniper and revolvers that's a fact so THAT'S a big potential!!!

TK MY MAN CAN WE JUST APPRECIATE HIM PLEASE-

Ned should not be allowed in the same galaxy as her honestly I fear for her if I throw Ned in there LMFAO.

And Zane is. Zane so yk wild shenanigans there

Far Cry: Honestly if I wasn't afraid of how triggering Far Cry 5 is (and possibly even more trauma for Audrey SHE DOES NOT NEED MORE) I'd already be saying "Joseph and John Seed!" Because I have the most muse for them rn

Harlock / Leijiverse: Honestly I feel like Harlock would be a great parental figure! Ignoring the whole 'dark matter' immortality thing, being a pirate and a few other things.

Emeraldas??? Complete opposite, she'd see Audrey as the child she abandoned back on Earth (Mayu) years ago and feel guilt so she'll turn her back on Audrey unfortunately

Legend of the Galactic Heroes: Anton and Oberstein is VERY "uh oh" territory because Oberstein would see the kid and either: Question why she's not in school, wonder why she's not ALREADY in the military (trust me I was blindsided when I found out there was like. A 13 yr IN THE MILITARY-) or just ignore her.

Bruno? PROBABLY adopt but don't count on it because he's a busy man and he sometimes forgets to self-care.

Bittenfeld is an immediate no because he's so brash and aggressive they wouldn't mix well!

Muckenberger would adopt on sight he can't handle orphans being orphans AND would try to keep her out of the war!

We don't look at Ovlesser though.

Reinhard and Kircheis are PERFECT to adopt her and spoil her. Especially with the Kaiser bs Reinhard has, man has a lot of money. Unfortunately though she'd have a LOT of expectations (as well as if she was with Muckenberger) since Reinhard and Kircheis are wonderful, amazing commanders and well. She'd need to fill that expectation.

Kesler my SON he would adopt her, make sure she was safe and make sure that while she is kept away from the war, she at least has a father figure in her life. Reinhard and Kircheis as well as Muckenberger can try but they're all a mess compared to Kesler and his AMAZING parental skills. Personal hc ofcofc

Schenkopf we do not let her anywhere near Audrey. Not because of anything HORRENDOUS but she doesn't need to see a man constantly hit on her adopted parents. And he's a bad parent LMFAO

Macross Frontier: SOOOO Sheryl would be amazing if Audrey wanted to yk ASPIRE to be a singer (like replace Ranka with Audrey type thing LMFAO) but past that??? Once again it's not the greatest for potential writing

Robotech: Oh my man Gloval KNOWS how it was to grow up pretty lonely. Man grew up on vodka and stale bread in his childhood he would adopt Audrey and well, the SDF-1 DOES have a civilian habitat on board so he can def keep care of her. And not him? Someone else on board could totally do it!

Claudia is the best aunt Audrey would ever get (with her boyfriend Roy ofc) and there is no changing my mind that they wouldn't spoil her badly. Roy can even teach her to fly and that's more threatening to me than anything else I've written so far LMFAO

Lisa would be atrocious. Both because she doesn't like kids and finds them a nuisance but also because she's a woman focused on work and nothing else. Sorry Audrey ;-;

Breetai, Khyron and Exedore; all 3 don't know what the fuck Audrey is, wants, but depending on verse they're either seeing her as a threat or just ignoring her because they really don't know what the fuck to do with her

Sins of a Solar Empire: Rebellion: The consensus from all of them is similar to Azur Lane, in that it just WOULDN'T work out. Extra worse because they're spaceships, not ships like in Azur Lane.

Space Battleship Yamato: Dessler would honestly see her and wonder why she's not in the military and then, depending on verse, hurt her because she's Terron and he's lost his gd sanity so that's a no-go LMFAO

Domel would treat her the best. He's had a kid before, he knows to be gentle and stuff with them. Plus bird. Who doesn't want bird??? Would keep her out of the military, no child soldiers with him around no sirree

Berger is the weirdest older sibling platonic relationship because he's so depressed but tries to be strong about it ESPECIALLY with her around. Mans has a DEATHWISH but I love him because he's just a lil guy who I adore so much, probably has the most potential ngl

Heiny and Wolf are ignored for this experiment-

Dietz already has a kid, Melda so he would probably just adopt her on the spot too and not even blink an eye until two days later because he was apparently drunk when he just adopted her (he was sober, he's lying)

Gimleh we ignore because he would either: Indoctrinate her into the Blue Shadow, put her in as a child soldier, or kill her. There's no in-between.

Gettoh just nods at her and walks off-

VANCE has such pops material. Literally his nickname (thank you Odyssey) so whether she'd like it or not he'd be the most natural to call a dad because of his personality. Would also keep her out of the military and would spoil her

The Talans Ghader and Velte are also ignored for this experiment-

Sanada!!! He has a Borderlands verse as well as lotgh verse but she'd hate him JUST on those verses so we stick to sby verse; which is that while he's quite stoic, serious and focused on work. He'd probably make her a lab assistant and run her through the ropes and while he would give others a stern word here or there he's much more 'gentle' in his weird science sense with her

Gairen, Zwordar and Nazca is just child soldiers round three, absolutely no except with Nazca because AGAIN weird older brother-younger sister platonic relationship yk

[purrincess-chat]

Can we just talk about the Adrinette angst this season though? Because while I am living for Adrien realizing his feelings for Marinette, I am also dying inside.

Adrien loves Marinette because he perceives that she is a good friend that listens to him and offers him support and tries to cheer him up when his hellstorm of a home life gets him down. She is someone he trusts and actively seeks when he needs someone to talk to about his depression and worries and fears and desires. Name another time in canon when something with his home life was bothering him, and he immediately told someone exactly what was going on and how it was making him feel? That moment in Passion where he bumps into Marinette and immediately tells her he's feeling down and why is huge for someone who otherwise just buried his feelings before and didn't talk about them to anyone except his kwami that no one else knows about and who isn't equipped to help him with human stuff. Adrien's relationship with Marinette means so much to him, and he thinks so highly of her, is so comfortable with her, and cares for her so deeply.

And that's why Marinette forcing herself to abandon her feelings and run away from him is so fucking heartbreaking.

Adrien's home life is so shit, even when he perceives it to be getting better, we know what the adults in his life are up to. He knows the people he loves are mysteriously sick and probably dying. He's been emotionally neglected and abused, psychologically controlled, isolated, lied to, used. And now he finally has a person that he feels like he's safe with, someone he can let his guard down with and confide in, and she's running away from him for seemingly no reason in his eyes??

And before anyone types up some paragraph, this is not salt directed at Marinette. Anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows I would never, so go ahead and hit that backspace because we the audience know why she is doing what she's doing. Marinette has her own share of trauma and guilt that she shouldn't have ever had to deal with. It's also not her job to coddle Adrien, so go ahead and shut the fuck up. I get it. But from a narrative perspective, the angst is just so perfectly heartbreaking, and I just want to hug them both because they love each other but are just dealing with so much shit outside of their control right now that it's impossible for them to be together. I'm really curious for the kwamis choice episodes bc we get to explore what would happen if they suddenly didn't have the weight of the world coming between them, and I'm screaming, crying, throwing up at the fluff possibilities but also knowing it will inevitably end bc they will have to go back to their responsibilities after having a taste of what could be, and I know it's going to destroy me emotionally. 😥😥💔

Anyway, these kids will be the death of me, and I am living for the day that they finally know each other's identities and kiss each other on the mouth knowing that information and knowing that they've been there by each other's side the whole time and how deeply they both love each other. This season is gonna fuck me up, and I'm going to say thank you. Anyway, that's all I just have a lot of feelings about them rn.

[deadrlngers]

1, 3 and 5 for both vesper and fenix >:))

not lying when i say question 1 had me pensive for HOURS, under the cut because..it’s long. while you read this you need to imagine me sobbing

1.Is your muse a romantic? Do they dream of love and marriage?

okay first thing. i think that both aren’t the most romantic people on the world, fenix is a bit more romantic than vesper but not that much. both never dreamed of love: vesper has been alone for most of her life so she would dream of companionship, any form of it, she didn't have anyone in the world for so long, love was never her first concern. fenix never thought of love, probably didn’t even know what the word meant, to him love was just another form of betrayal (his parents abandoning him when he was a kid, his own brother being a complete awful man), he didn’t get the bare minimum of family love, he wasn’t going to experience any other kind of love, he just knew it and he didn’t care. 

i’m not being dramatic when i say that they first started dreaming of love when they met each other and slowly fell in love, which made the way they fell apart more hurtful: i said this before but fenix started acting more and more distant because he was scared of being that vulnerable with someone (trauma huh?) and vesper only got heartbroken by that, thinking that probably she just didn’t deserve to be loved at all, by anyone in the world. just...falling in love with someone each day a bit more and watching that person slip from your fingers the more you love them...UGHUGH UG H I WANT TO HIT FENIX RN but i forgive him just because deny yourself the love you crave isn’t a easy thing too.

so marriage. hm. i’m pretty sure vesper thinks marriage isn’t something for her, mainly because she’s scared of repeating the same dynamic her parents had. she thinks that there’s no way for her to escape that kind of destiny because she would replicate the only and first example of love she ever witnessed. she thinks she is doomed. fenix thinks marriage is...fenix doesn’t think anything of marriage tbh. mostly because he didn’t have any reason to think of it, he was never going to fall in love. well clown nose on you man, YOU ARE going to think of it. i do think that at some point they both thought about it but while vesper went “haha. yea no.”, fenix went “haha...WAIT WHAT IF”. they joked about it too and he playfully called her “my sweet wife” a few times until it wasn’t a joke anymore. i do believe that fenix would propose, cross on my heart, it would take him idk what kind of herculean strength to do that but i think he would after thinking of it for so long. now thing is...i both think that vesper could straight up refuse or say yes. i mean UGHHH. she surely is scared for multiple reasons + what if that's heartbreak 2.0.? yes she gave him a second chance but you know, there's fear there. MAYBE..MAYBE she wouldn’t give an answer on the spot, she would probably be speechless and then going “wait i need to  t h i n k”. (cut to fenix experiencing 300 heart attacks because of this). fuck it i say she would agree in the end, probably fenix would have to reassure her a whole damn lot but i say WE ARE GOING TO HAVE THIS WEDDING.

this needs me to spend a few words on a possible wedding too because do you know how long italian weddings last? you basically need a whole damn day. A FULL DAY. you sit down to eat at noon and finish eating at like, midnight. a buffet, two first dishes and second dishes, fruit, the cake, all of this alternating dancing moments and other entertainments. i don’t think neither vesper or fenix would care too much about a BIG wedding but they want to follow that vibe, fenix already doesn’t have...anyone to invite, be it friends or family, SO LET’S GIVE HIM HIS ITALIAN WEDDING. vesper would probably wear a dress, something she hates to do but fuck it, fenix would dress fancy but god forbid he wears a necktie. the only people invited are probably daniel, nader, panam, viktor, vittoria (vesper’s first ex, they are very good friends <3) and whoever very close friend they have, no family because yea..we know. daniel should be vesper’s..bridesmaid jfkjfh but since...fenix is huh..he..he doesn’t..yea (sobs) he doesn’t have anyone else, daniel is going to be his best man while panam is vesper’s bridesmaid. no dad so daniel is going to do most of the things their dad should’ve done for vesper, this is actually very sweet i’m (sobs). generally that would be ONE HELL OF A DAMN PARTY and i’m sure something would get broken because these people are damn crazy and what's a wedding without drama. the lunch would be one HELL of a meal please invite me too i love italian wedding i love eating. and just yea. just i think there would be some tears involved because woo look where we are after all the shit we went through but lots and lots of fun and I JUST HAD TO PUT ALL OF THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM THANKS (explodes)

3. Is your muse good at kissing? Are they experienced?

vesper is a shy kisser at first but quickly gains back confidence the second she gets confirmation from partner that everything is good, that’s something they want too. i would say that she is experienced a good amount. for someone that acts cold and tough most of the time she sure gives those kind of kisses that make you feel all fuzzy and loved and warm inside (miss i love you miss i-)

fenix huh yeah, i mean. he’s a passionate kisser, needs to have his hands do something too while he is kissing because that only adds to the experience and he needs to be a menace every time he does anything. BUT i wouldn’t say he’s experienced, dropping this bomb here but vesper is his first serious relationship. he had a few night stands in his past but never liked being kissed by strangers when doing that, he really is out there drawing the line at kissing strangers on the lips. man.

5. Is your muse comfortable with public displays of affection? 

vesper HATES pda, especially if it’s her brother that is hanging around when someone is trying to be affectionate with her, especially fenix because he always goes overboard. fenix loves pda fhkjsdfhkj yes he’s showing off his love, yes he’s going to kiss and hug and god knows all the things he is capable of in public. they fight about this and vesper every time tells him to quit it but he gets on his best behaviour for five seconds before going back at it

ask meme || oc page

[gralunaisland]

Something a little different today, but I’m making a Lucy appreciation post for the Winterfilia Event proctored by @lucyheartfiliadays .

Lucy Heartfilia Appreciation Prompt: Childhood/Family

I’m not nearly as creative to make headcanons or fanfics (at least with my finals-fried brain rn) but I’ll say something about her childhood that hit me deep the first time I watched Fairy Tail all those years ago (and subsequently every time after).

It was when Lucy as a child tried to hang out with her dad on her birthday, even making him a rice ball, but Jude Heartfilia shouted at her and made her run away. My heart broke for her that day. Little Lucy had gone through a lot growing up. She had no friends besides Aquarius (who wasn’t all that friendly let’s be real), she lost her mom at a young age, and had a father who was harsh and basically didn’t like her and neglected her.

I don’t like how some people hate on her for how she “doesn’t have that sad a backstory! She was a rich little princess. Look at Erza, she was a child slave” or how she "cries all the time".

Honestly, we should never compare traumas to see “who suffered the most”. Lucy was abandoned and left alone and mistreated. No child should have to go through that, no matter how rich they are. Family and friends are obviously more important than money, and Lucy had neither of the former which is traumatizing to a young child. It’s not her fault she was rich, and it’s definitely not her fault that she was treated poorly.

And I would cry that much too if I’d finally found a true home like hers with people who actually care about her for who she is, who accepts her flaws and acknowledges her good traits, who love her as one of their own despite being newer. I’d cry if that family was in danger of bodily harm or being ripped away from me. It merely shows how much she loves her family.

Plus, I always related to her the most because of her so-called “less traumatic childhood”. I didn’t have a dragon father who vanished on me, my whole family wasn’t killed by a demon, and no, I wasn’t enslaved by religious cultists to be used as a sacrifice for their lord Zeref. But I do understand Lucy’s loneliness, I do understand no one remembering my birthday, I do understand a broken home, I do understand feeling forsaken.

Her quest to find a true family resonates deeply in my heart, and that is just one of the many, many reasons why she is my favorite character in Fairy Tail.