thisismyachinganchor

[thisismyachinganchor]

There’s a pasture, it lays in my roots. I let it down sometimes. I feed it labor and pain. Some nights I scream til no more is left. I try to wake in the morning, breathless. Aiming for awkward love. Even a hug will do. Some nights the rage tries to subset. Instead I give it shame. Instead I take the creatures I call family and disappear. Feral and looking, the hair on my skin stands. Not like my roots. I burn it with chemical. I look for the inside again. What happens if I’m not welcomed? What happens if I’m unafraid? What happens anyway? If leaves and rain and snow take me somewhere I’ve never been before .. what will America be without me?

[thisismyachinganchor]

October

[thisismyachinganchor]

“Should we keep silent about what is in our hearts or tell each other? I’ve always played the coward, out of respect for you. I’ve always pretended that I could live with anything, as if I were really made to be the plaything of men and circumstances, as if I did not have a firm heart within me which, faithful and free in its right, beats for that which is highest, you, my beloved!”

— Albert Camus to Maria Casarès, Correspondance, February 1950? [#222]

[thisismyachinganchor]

my feelings from a text..

I guess, I’m just angry. I guess I feel like I shouldn’t be angry about feeling alone in times like this but I am. I never told you but the last time I saw my mom she had her life together. She used me, she used our situation for herself and despite the both of us being affected by the strain, the lack of food, the lack of financial security, when I saw her she was able to get out of it. Her credit went up, she paid off her debt, and she gained the trust of people in our family who before I moved to Maryland had so much to say about her and how she showed up in our relationship. The day I stood up to everyone about the dynamics at play in our family, they dogged me. I had a cousin who told me, “ fuck your trauma.” And when I tried to confront it I was responsible for why he said it in the first place. I’m responsible for why I’m going through the shit I’ve been through and still go through. She gets none, I mean NONE, of the weight of what any of this feels like. To be abandoned, to have no/minimal family to go to when you’re in need or you just wanna be held or told everything’s gonna be okay. I have to experience being on my own everyday of my life. & I’m not talking about the everyday adult shit. The shit I can handle. I’m talking about waking up and never receiving an apology. One time my mom told me I’ll tell you I’m sorry but I won’t keep apologizing because once should be enough. I’m just tired.. and I’m pissed off. I’m 30 years old and I know, I know I need to be strong rn but how do you explain not being strong enough when you’ve felt like an adult your whole fucking life. I couldn’t even be a kid cos I was living with a bitch who sucked as much life and joy out of me because she had none. I’m just tired of carrying all of this on me. Sometimes I wanna hit up my family and say fuck them fr. Like y’all failed me and everyday I gottaswallow that shit cos society don’t gaf about what I got going on. I gotta keep pushing. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted

[thisismyachinganchor]

flying (November)