#the ADHD brain keeps wanting to write future scenes like this one

[its-cosmerely-an-obsesh-wound]

A snippet from my modern AU college Stormlight WIP to honor the day:

The scene where Kaladin does pushups and Adolin watches and fantasizes about taking Kaladin shopping/to the Marine Corps Ball. Platonically, of course. No homo, as Adolin has to remind himself.

Adolin arrived at the door to Kaladin’s dorm room. He knew Kaladin usually rose early but, now that he was here, he felt uncertain. He didn’t want to wake Kaladin. Feeling like a total creep, Adolin put his ear to the door. He heard music on the other side and another sound, a rhythmic grunting? Something tightened low in Adolin’s abdomen, maybe now wasn’t such a good time after all…

“Whoever is creeping out there, I see your feet.” Kaladin’s voice sounded strained and annoyed. Adolin could just leave; Kaladin would probably never know it was him. What was he thinking? He was here to thank the book boy.

“Hey Kal, it’s Adolin. Can I come in?”

“Sure.” Kaladin’s voice still sounded strained but less annoyed, which surprised Adolin. When Adolin entered, Kaladin was doing pushups…without a shirt. Huh. Adolin hadn’t ever seen him outside his standard black sweatshirt, which, as it turned out, was a shame. Kaladin’s tan skin had a thin sheen of sweat and his onyx shoulder-length hair was tied back in a loose tail at the base of his neck but his bangs fell loosely in his face as they often did. He didn’t look up, which was probably a good thing. Adolin’s eyes roved over the book boy’s form. Damn, book boy was also muscle boy. Why did he always keep his body so well hidden? If Adolin looked this good—what was he thinking? Adolin did look this good and he made every excuse to go about shirtless and show it off. Why work out so hard and then keep it covered up all the time? It was selfish. Adolin admired how the defined the muscles of the other boy’s shoulders, chest, and arms rippled as he repeatedly pushed the floor away.

“Did you come here for something, Coccyx, or are you just here to waste my room’s oxygen supply?” Annoyance was creeping back into book boy’s tone.

Adolin ignored the condescending comment. “I came by to say thank you and,” Adolin proffered the small box, grinning, “to give you this.”

“You’re welcome. Leave it on my desk.”

“I’d rather stay and see you open it.”

Kaladin made a disgruntled sound in his throat but got to his feet. He had a storming eight pack and that v-cut…Adolin snapped his eyes back up to Kaladin’s face, now only a couple feet from him. With Kaladin so close and his expression so stormy, the three inches Kaladin had on him made it feel like a lot more. He practically loomed over Adolin. Adolin felt his stomach flutter as he grinned innocently and presented the gift. Kaladin opened it, his expression unreadable at first, then he frowned.

“I can’t accept this.” He thrust it back toward Adolin and Adolin put up his hands defensively.

“Sure, you can.”

“No, I can’t. Give it to someone else.”

“Why would I do that? Someone else didn’t save my life.” Adolin paused considering. “Wait, do you not like the color? Your music is always so depressing and—” Adolin gestured vaguely at Kaladin’s person. Kaladin scowled. The boy had a nice scowl. Suppressing a smile Adolin, went on, "you always wear black so I thought—”

“The color isn’t the problem.”

“What is the problem then?”

“The problem is this is too expensive and I don’t want to feel indebted to anyone. Especially you.” Especially him? Why did Kaladin hate him so much? It was just an iPod nano. It would be great for book boy to take running. Much better than that brick he usually carried.

“You saved my storming life. If anyone is indebted to anyone in this relationship," Relationship? Adolin inwardly cringed at the word choice. Oh well, "it’s me. Eternally so.” Kaladin bristled but Adolin didn’t care, it was the truth. “I’m not taking it back.” Adolin declared stubbornly, trying and failing to keep the hurt and anger from his voice. “Give it away to someone else if you hate me that much that you can’t stand to have something from me.”

Adolin almost stomped out the door but then he remembered he had a second gift. He turned stopping in front of Kaladin’s desk, swept the envelope from his back pocket, and slammed it down. “These are passes to go skydiving. You can throw them out yourself if you want to be wasteful but there are two passes in there so you can bring a friend when you go…if you even have any of those.” Kaladin’s expression, which had started to soften, hardened again. That last part was petty and Adolin wished he could take it back. Why was the book boy able to get under his skin like this? Kaladin crossed his arms over his chest, which was a shame, the boy had nice pectorals. No homo. Adolin probably should have turned around and left but the way Kaladin narrowed his eyes made Adolin stay and glare back in challenge. Kaladin was getting better at jiu jitsu—he was a remarkably quick study, like he was with everything it seemed—but Adolin still usually bested him. Adolin clenched his jaw and shifted his weight, bracing. Do it.

But the attack never came. As if sensing Adolin’s thoughts or thinking better of it in the cramped space, Kaladin’s expression cleared somewhat. Not to sunshine, smiles were preciously rare from him, but to cloudy rather than tempestuous.

“Actually,” Kaladin remarked, “my father saved your life so maybe you should go thank him instead.”

“What? Wait, is your father…Dr. Stormblessed. Of course! Your dad was my surgeon?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that why you’re here for—"

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to be a surgeon too?”

Kaladin’s eyes weighed Adolin and Kaladin’s jaw worked like he had sampled something he found distasteful at a gala and was waiting for an opportune moment to dispose of it but, until then, he was trying to hold the offending food item away from his tongue. Kaladin at a gala, ha! I would pay to see that. Then, it wasn’t just a laughable thought. Maybe he would pay to see that. He wants to be a Marine…I could take him to the Marine Ball. The idea made him smile inwardly, probably more than it should have and he had to remind himself, no homo. It wasn’t like it was a date. It would be a good experience for Kaladin; although Adolin wasn’t being completely altruistic. He was entirely too eager to take Kaladin shopping for a suit. Or any clothing really. To see him in something other than that storming black hoodie all the time. Or out of it. Adolin eyed book boy’s shoulders and taut biceps. Yes, out of it was good too. Kaladin might refuse the shopping trip but Adolin could always pick out a suit himself; he was pretty sure of book boy’s size. He had a knack for that. The day of the ball, he could teach Kaladin how to tie a bowtie, if he didn’t already know, or tie it for him just because Kaladin would probably hate being fussed over. Kaladin in a three-piece suit. Adolin smiled faintly. Or, if he enlisted, dress blues. Adolin could make sure he was wearing his alphas and that his various insignias, ribbons, and medals, were all regulation and remind him to remove his cover when they entered the building. He would miss the longer hair on Kaladin though. Not that Kaladin let him braid his hair or anything. Adolin almost chuckled at the idea but held himself back as Kaladin still looked rather disgusted. Adolin had the distinct impression that Kaladin regarded him similarly to an offending food item in his mouth that he intended to spit out at his earliest convenience but he had been unsuccessful at ridding himself of Adolin so far, which both pained and excited Adolin for reasons he didn’t quite comprehend. Perhaps, finally swallowing the unpleasantness, Kaladin answered.

[skyward-floored]

Hey, just wanted to say I think you’re a cool person and I really like the little writing you do. They’re very cool and, even though I’ve only read like 2 (curse my small attention span ravaged by yt shorts and also adhd), they make me feel fuzzy (well, the ones that are fuzzy anyways) and emotions. Basically, you write amazingly. Hope this doesn’t come off as robotic, I’m not good at expressing appreciation through words but I’d totally make you a pizza as like a kudos.

If you don’t mind me asking also, do you have any tips or advice on how to start writing? I’ve been meaning to try but my brain and doubts (and lack of action and starting) keep me back, and you write cool stuff so I figured why not ask? Hope this isn’t annoying (if it is, feel free to ignore this latter thing) and may you have cookies in the future :)

Hey thank you! Don’t worry it didn’t come off as robotic at all, thanks for the kind words (and pizza kudos XD)!

I can try and give you some tips? I don’t know if they’ll be very useful, especially since it’s been a bit since I started writing, but I’ll try? Since you said one of your problems was doubts, I’ll start there since I definitely have experience with that XD

Basically... you’re always gonna have doubts as a writer. Maybe some writers don’t, but I think everyone I know who writes does. I nearly had a panic attack when I posted my first ever fic (a tiny little ninjago oneshot lol), and the only reason I didn’t totally freak out and delete it was because a friend told me it was really nice and she encouraged me. That was over four years ago, and while I’m past the panic attack stage, I still worry and fret about my writing and if anyone will like them... etcetera.

I guess what I’m trying to say is you can’t let doubt stop you. There are always going to be those voices telling your writing sucks, and that it isn’t worth it. And you gotta ignore them. Writing is a skill like any other, and at first, you probably are gonna suck, but you can’t let that stop you—you have to try and keep going, and build that skill.

But that wasn’t much about actual writing XD If you really want to start writing, start by thinking about what you want to write. I’m sure you’ve got an idea of some sort in mind— and even if it’s silly or weird or overdone or seems too hard to write, start there. See what happens.

If you’re having trouble starting, I’d suggest skipping straight to the cool parts of the scene you want to write. Don’t worry about having the perfect starting point, just jump right in to the middle of that emotional injury or dramatic escape. The rest can come later... or not! That’s the beauty of fanfic!

I myself try and write just a little every day. Even if it’s only one sentence, try and add just a little to it. I don’t have adhd so I can’t really help you much in that regard, but if distractions are the problem, try and get rid of them before you start writing.

Put your phone in a different room so you can’t get at it, go off where your family hopefully won’t bother you (this is a big one for me lol), just try to limit your distractions as best you can.

I think that’s all I got XD that was mostly a lot of talk, but hopefully some of it was helpful! Good luck!

[kerubimcrepin]

Episode 11: The Hairy Arachelmet

First of all, Kerubim's cup is in a dangerous ass place. If he spills it, he will have burns.

Truly, if Ecaflip wasn't on his side, he would be long dead.

Second of all, love that he begins looking at Simone when she's on The Ladder That Looks Like It Will Fucking Kill You.

When I first noticed this moment, I assumed it was Kerubim y'know. Ogling her. But now, considering this is the only time in the whole scene he's looking at her, I think he's looking at her because she's on The Ladder That Looks Like It Will Fucking Kill You, and if she began to fall things would be bad.

Btw, the only pictures Keke has in his home, anywhere where it's visible, are of himself, Lou, or some random scenery.

There HAS to be something psychological going on here, considering he is a father and canonically, uh, really normal about it.

Like. Whatever the reason for having Joris call him grampycat is, is the same for not putting up any cute pictures of Joris.

Something-something, his canonical guilt about killing ("""killing""") Julith, perhaps? Perhaps, feeling a bit too old for fatherhood? Maybe both?

On one hand, YESSS RARE SIMONE FAILGIRL MOMENT + i love it when people who are supposed to be good at something are bad at it.

On the other hand... Kerubim, your upbringing single-handedly changed the course of Joris's life so much, that, as an adult huppermage man, he uses a "magic wand" (log) to bash in people's skulls.

Kerubim yells at him to stop, and he just immediately stops and salutes.

It's never explained why Joris does this all the fucking time in the series, (besides the fact that he has ADHD. (To me. In my brain. I decided that he has it.)) but I think Kerubim did some Pikmin-style parenting shit on him.

Except instead of Pikmin it was probably something like "let's pretend I am a commanding officer and you are a member of the Bontarian army."

Okay, so, this is a whole can of worms we'll get in now.

This text is the famous Lorem Ipsum placeholder. The first two words are exactly Lorem Ipsum. Yet, I am mentally ill enough to sit down and translate this all.

So, uh. Yeah. I translated it by hand. It was painful.

The interesting parts are: the first page is the usual Lorem Ipsum placeholder with random edits, spaces, and changes. The second page is the original Lorem Ipsum from Cicero's De finibus bonorum et malorum.

I may be wrong with some of the spaces, because of the way the letters that look like " : :: . " and their weird sizes.

But also... Who give a shit?

Obligatory food moment: he is eating grapes and bird legs. Maybe tofu, or maybe other bird that size.

He is so fucking stupid.

My friend @dullard had pointed out that the way Kerubim's system works is probably by assigning a number to a direction.

I am not good with numbers OR directions, so I hope he makes a post about this. Or sends me an ask.

All I can point out, in regard to this, is the often neglected connection of Ecaflips to scrying and predicting the future and destiny.

So yeah. For all intents and purposes, Kerubim, with his level of luck, maaaay be a bit of an, uh. Oracle.

Though, I think he'd be scandalized by this idea I'm proposing here.

I suppose this episode's story takes place after the story in the episode 38, Dragokart Race, where Kerubim becomes a second place Dragokart champion.

Is this in any way relevant? No. Welcome to my blog, where I talk about literally the most useless Dofus facts. Anyway.

Adding to the list of Implied Adventures We Never See:

Literally everything to do with Atcham.

Kerubim working with Arachnees some more.

To be added.

Culture note: being a hypermage is associated with being smart and being able to predict how situations are going to go.

This blog may seem like it's pointing out the most obvious shit, but keep in mind, besides me wanting to gush about this show and write analysis pieces, this blog is also meant as a bit of a resource for Random Irrelevant Lore. For fic writers.

I may be the fic writers.

...It's interesting to think about how these cultural standards may affect Joris, who, in all honesty, is fucking stupid. There are pebbles where his brain should be.

Anyway.

He really is stupid.

For how cheerful this show is, this moment is a very stark reminder of the fact that Kerubim was fighting and killing people.

I think that the way he was describing this to Joris probably was something like "and then I sliced that guy in half". Which is both... very violent, and also not very detailed.

Your daily reminder that while searching for Ecaflip City, to get rich and be able to propose to Lou, he tried to fuck a pandawa girl, and DEFINITELY fucked these three. Sad! (Edit: that, or he was searching for it long before the proposal thing.)

Better late than never, Keke. Better late than never.

But it would have been cool if you knew that when you were [SPRAYS HIM WITH A WATER BOTTLE] an orphan, as described in the official text The Wheel of Destiny #8: Kerubim Crepin.

This is my legally required once-in-a-few-liveblogs Wheel of Destiny lore mention. You're welcome.

Joris looks like he heard what just happened, and like.... I know that this is just a funny animation moment.

but i want to belive so so badly, that, due to dragon possession, joris can hear whatever the fuck is going on with this hat, by intercepting its ~~psionic waves~~

that he just heard a spider call his father a motherfucker.

Is it not a wonderful vision of the world, that I just described here?

[mariequitecontrary]

When will we get the extended version of MultiversePals.com?

Oh wow thanks so much for reaching out to ask! 🥰

I’ll use this chance to give a short answer and a long answer.

Short Answer: Probably next year.

Long Answer: MultiversePenPals.com/ExtendedEdition (whoof what a long title lol) is currently in my personal writing schedule to keep my fic priorities in check~ how fast I get through the schedule completely depends on life obviously. The biggest variable being if the words are wording and the creativity is creating. I’m currently also teaching myself to draw! Which is eating into my writing time smh.

So like yeah! Here is what you can expect to see from me in the foreseeable future:

Marie’s Fic Schedule*

Two Monthly Prompt One Shots

I’ve got two short (about 1k words) one shots I’m determined to do! August’s (I’m late I know) is a fantasy AU Slipstream/Windblade while October’s is a ghostly Starscream/Soundwave (maybe…)

Femmes are Fatal Ch 3

The last chapter in my rewrite of the first few scenes of the 2007 TF Movie, focusing on Mikaela. This is halfway written and is already so long T.T I’m struggling on where to stop it since this rewrite is not meant to be the whole movie…

Revenge of the Warrior Goddess Ch 3

The last chapter in my rewrite of the first few scenes of Revenge of the Fallen, also focusing on Mikaela.

(Both of the above fics may be picked back up to have the full movies rewritten AFTER the current set of fic goals is completed)

A Spark’s Rhythm

The first few chapters need to be rewritten to be more compelling/flow better now that I’ve improved my writing skills a bit.

Ch 18 is halfway written and I’ve got a personal deadline for this chapter that may be bumping it up the list if I don’t get the words wording…

After ch 18, I’d like to get myself back on the roll of writing regularly for this fic in addition to any other fic projects.

MultiversePenPals.com/ExtendedEdition

Once the above goals are completed, then we’re back on the MultiversePenPals! My plan is to reread it, take notes with some fresh eyes, compare it to my old notes…then getting started on it :)

The Extended Edition will be in chapters, but I won’t be posting any of it until it is COMPLETELY written. I don’t want to have it out there as a wip when the original is already completed and everyone knows half of the story already 😅

2025 Big Bang

At the same time as the MultiversePenPals Extended Edition, I will be getting a head start on the 2025 Big Bang! It’s gonna be another big one so I want to work ahead. Currently deciding between an epic One Thousand and One Nights origin story with Thundercracker/Predaking or a cozy Sunny/Sides Stardew Valley AU…

Secret Solenoid Fic

Technically this fic is not last in the schedule. It will be gotten done on time to be given to my…uh…target lol. But I don’t know what the prompt is yet and how much I intend to write for it so I don’t know where it needs to be on the schedule right now :3

*Schedule is subject to be put aside whenever random plot bunnies possess me and whatever else distracts this ADHD filled brain of mine.

[pixelchills]

What’s up, Current content & Original story starting point

Hey guys! I’m getting back on track with the move now over, and I have my full focus on art and writing again! 

I know many of you are getting a bit impatient with the lack of updates on my fics - which is fair, they’ve been without new chapters for a few months now! However, I have been very busy with a lot of other stuff (travels, moving, crafting the dolldrops), and my focus seems to always be on one thing at a time, which hasn’t been the stories of ANSSW or MDD for the moment. 

This doesn’t mean I’m abandoning them. The updates will just be a little slower since I write those stories when I feel like it. The reason why the Prequel was written so quickly, was because it was my main focus at the time. I have ADHD, I tend to hyperfocus on one thing for a while, then move to the next. Right now, my focus has been on the Helper Bot AU, commission work, and my original story of Dreamflower. 

I might be able to go back to hyperfocusing on ANSSW and MDD, but as for now, they’re getting updates whenever I feel like it. The fics are content I give you guys for free, as art and writing is mostly just my hobby (excluding Patreon and commissions). And since I’m not working this summer, I’m doing commissions. So technically they’re my summer job, lol. So work comes first, and fanfics a bit later.

I am a disabled person with long-term fatigue. There are many days when I can’t make content at all because of how tired I am. And since I have so many projects and AUs and interests (most of them circling around Sun and Moon though), sometimes I’m more focused on other projects than I am on the others. So sorry about that!

This is not what I wanted to talk about, though. Just to give a little heads-up on what’s going on behind the screen! 

My genuine wonders lie within the original story of Dreamflower right now, and I would love to hear your opinion on this. 

I know most of you follow me for my Sun & Moon stories and AUs, but I can genuinely tell you if you like my storytelling, LGBTQ+ themes, with angst and fluff; I think you’ll enjoy the story of Luan and Solros a lot, since they are based on my Animutant Moon and Sun after all! 

While building the story and its characters, and besides a few Tumblr ask answers and drawings, I am really eager to tell their story and work on the universe with you. But right now it all seems to be still stuck in my head and drawers.

I really wish to make Dreamflower into a Webtoon one day. But to get there, I need to get faster at drawing, and figure out the story fully before I can start drawing it. Besides being a visually driven person, I’m also really wordy (ADHD trait, I talk even more than I write). So writing a comic script from scrap, where I need to keep the story moving at a good pace, seems like a lot of work to my wordy brain. 

So, I wondered: what if I write first and then script the comic from there? 

This way I would be able to get the story out and delivered - with as many words as my heart desires - while also being able to publish content about my original story. 

Of course, this would push back the actual starting point of the comic itself, but I have realised this story and its universe are a passion project of mine; I don’t really care how long it takes, since I’m mostly doing it in my free time anyway. 

So I have a few options I’d like you to help me pick out from:

Write the story of Dreamflower in the order it should be told, and publish it to AO3. Currently, there wouldn’t be an ending point, since the story itself continues far after where the Webtoon would end. 

Same thing, but publish future scenarios/oneshots to Tumblr or AO3 separately too (usually these scenes take place after Solros and Luan have started dating, and they would appear in the main story if you’d like me to keep them secret until in that part of the story.) 

Most likely, similar to ANSSW & MDD, I would include art in each chapter for visuals. I’ve found this type of content creation very appealing to myself, as it allows me to both tell a story and draw a scene from the story without it becoming overwhelming like a comic. 

So, any thoughts on this? Which way would be a good way to go?

Thanks for reading! I hope you’re having a good summer! (Or winter if you live on the other side of the globe! c:)

I'll be taking a little break again next month when travelling again, but I'll mention that again a bit closer to the date! Just wanted to give a little notice of what’s going on at the moment!

-Chill

[adornesibley]

NAME GOES HERE: a Newsletter

Reading: Old Gods of Appalachia TTRPG by Monte Cook Games, Starter Villain by John Scalzi, The Secrets We Keep by Shirley Patton

Finished Reading: Silver Nitrate by Silvia Moreno-Garcia, The Future by Naomi Alderman

Podcast: Unwell

Playing: God Hand (PS2(on PS3(Thank God Hand for PS2 Classics)))

Making: Zines and Doom Levels

Writing: Project E

Word Count: 168317

TLDR: EfanGamez needs food help badly! CHEAP TTRPG BUNDLE! Working on working titles. The, frankly, crowded writing scene and AI intruders. ADHD and unfinished proj… Wingspan is so cute and so fun~ We’re Here because We’re Here because… Mekborg and Steel Psalm want YOU!

An indie TTRPG designer needs help badly! EfanGamez has put all of their paid TTRPGs and supplements together into a tidy little bundle and is currently offering it for $25USD on their itch.io page! This sale is on for another 19 days as of the posting of this newsletter and I HIGHLY encourage anyone interested in trying out TTRPGs that are out of the norm to take advantage of this deal. Grim and Mourn are two first-person-shooter-inspired TTRPGs that I can recommend in particular.

I have been working on Project E, the working title, of which she’s had many. Just recently, I decided it was necessary to completely rewrite every bit of dialogue for the main villain, allowing him a more gradual, consistent descent into madness. It’s going well, and progress is happening. I want to touch on something in the first sentence of this paragraph. It’s FASCINATING to me how some stories get their names with minimal teeth-pulling. Hell, I’ve had stories who received their names BEFORE I wrote a word of them. But Project E has gone through so many iterations of names that I’ve sort of decided to keep this working title until I’m done and maybe even after Beta Readers have had their turn. I know the name will come when it’s meant to. Part of my problem is the book is about a very specific theme, its plot has some consistent elements, and its setting is vivid… but to wrap up enough of these separate elements together in a title is proving… troublesome.

Trying to get your work out into the world as an author (in ways where people will actually see it that is) is SO freakin difficult. The market is saturated now more than ever. We, as writers, not only have to “contend” with our fellow writers but now with AI as there is an influx of AI-generated content being submitted to journals and magazines around the world. I am glad I am not in the publishing industry right now. But, nevertheless, I have submitted to two anthologies this past month. One bigger name bi-monthly and one niche market which was INSANELY fun to write. Hopefully, something will come of them. But if not, what do you do? We, as writers, continue on. We heed the call in our hearts and minds, we sling that ink and continue forward, one lie at a time.

Speaking of which, I have so many unfinished works XD I tend to post about something I’m working on then distraction occurs and all of a sudden it has been a month and I have totally forgotten about the project I had been working on. I have no doubt picked up something new or something old and once-forgotten. ADHD brains often feel like a quagmire, hard to pull thoughts through, sometimes you lose them altogether to the deep dark, sometimes they resurface, grimy and forgotten… what was I talking about again?

Last month, my little TTRPG group didn’t meet as several folks were unavailable… so instead we got the remaining few of us together and I got to play Wingspan for the first time! What a blast~ It was certainly complicated starting off but the rules become pretty easy to grasp after about two rounds of play. After that, when you’re about one round from the end is when it becomes clear how you’re supposed to plan for the ending if you’re intent on winning. Or of course, you could just enjoy all the beautiful birds, the weird facts, and the wonderful time shared with your friends.

I am a long-term Nerdfighter. 2012 era. If you are unsure of what this means, I’ll briefly explain. John and Hank Green are two authors/ YouTubers /philanthropists/ podcasters/ educators/ nerds/ TBFighters (I could go on… these guys are PROLIFIC) and they have been vlogging since 2007 and around that vlog (originally meant to bring them closer as brothers which I think is/was/whatever a resounding success) has grown a community called Nerdfighteria, among many other things. They have recently started a “good news” newsletter called We’re Here. “A nice little email for people from Earth.” I highly recommend signing up. These humans have continued to make the world less sucky by their presence and their actions. It’s beautiful how these massively powerful, famous, and influential creators are using their network to support folks in their extended community and using their community and influence to make so much good change in the world. Please go check out We’re Here and Vlogbrothers.

Speaking of community and supporting one another, DMDave is starting a Kickstarter for two books! Mekborg, which seems to be Warhammer 40k grimdark meets Battletech, is/was/whatever designed by John K Webb who has a LOT of design credits for the magazines Broadsword and Sidequest. As well, there’s Steel Psalm, designed by Dave himself, which from the name I’d presume is the same setting, but using wargaming rules similar to Forbidden Psalm (Also big recommendation). The Kickstarter is launching April 16th and the best part? When it’s done, the digital copies will go out immediately and by June or July the books will be shipped out (depending on how long printing takes) as the books are already finished! I’ll fully admit DMDave probably doesn’t “need” help to get the project funded, but the more support there is, the more likely projects like this will be created in the future!

Support weird. Support indie.

[twicearoundthesun]

5, 6, 11, 12, 13, 18, 19, 22, 24 (if u make moodboards!), 25, 27

IM SORRY I PICKED SO MANY I JUST LIKE PICKING APART FELLOW WRITING BRAINS

sorry this took so long and is probably very uninteresting

5 - What's a fic idea you've had that you will never write - Hoooo boy, i am the queen of fic ideas I'll never write. Lots of angst and fluff. One that my brain has pretty detailed out lately is just an ABO-type AU where NaJeongMoSaHyo are all married to each other living life n stuff. I think it'd be cute, to follow them thru getting together, and then big life events. Ups and downs. Marriage and all that. Eventually they'd have kids, raise em all together. It'd be adorable and wholesome and very slice of life.

6 - Any fics from others you reread all the time? - Hell yeah there are

The First Snowfall by YOU when i want my feelings absolutely wrecked :(

Oh My God They Were Roommates & The Island of Misfit Toys by lildemonlili

This Night Is Sparkling, Dont Let You Go by amperis

To Serve Her by bbygirldahyun

Ready To Be Mine? by Sleephyuns/Ginnumeru

Definitely a few more i couldn't find/ cant remember.

(usual disclaimer because this is not an 18+ blog and im paranoid: please mind the rating on these, theyre all rated T, M, or E on AO3. Do not disrespect a writer by ignoring their rating or warning)

11- Do you have a specific playlist for writing fics? - I actually dont listen to music when i write. Music tends to distract me cuz my brain runs away with it... but i should try that, maybe

12 -Do you have a playlist for your current WIPs? - Nope.

13- How much planning do you do before writing? - Almost none, which is unfortunate for anyone who would like me to update anything in a timely manner. I know a vague direction i want something to go in, or I know certain scenes I want to happen later down the line. I kinda just write to connect a vague story or concept. i almost never have an ending in mind; thats kinda why i favor AUs... theyre stories from a universe, and I can keep sharing stories as I think of them. Unless its a oneshot, or a published fic... then i know the beginning and a vague ending. Coven AU has a ton of lore because I drank a lot of coffee one day and had a notepad. Most lore for any au i have just relies on me going 'oh thats a GOOD idea ill remember that'.... reader, i have severe ADHD that i do not manage in any way. I dont remember that.

18 - What's one of your favorite lines you've written in a fic? - Oh boy. Probably none of them, i dont love my like... writing style? It isn't pretty, just plain. So i suppose its only, ' “You woke me up. And you’re making my bed smell like tequila. Why would I move over for you?” She mumbled, moving over. ' from roommates AU. Because Dubchaeng loves each other.

19 - Small teaser from a WIP - Ok i was gonna be mean and give you one for a very far in the future very angsty roommates fill but i WONT thatd be mean. heres coven au

Jihyo lifted her arms to throw another bolt of electricity, one to end the fight before either of them got hurt. The familiar smell of ozone stung her nose before Tzuyu’s hand landed on her arm, snapping her out of her concentration.

“Don’t. They stopped.”

“Tzuyu, they tried to barbecue us.”

“You tried to hit them first.”

Jihyo grabbed for her as she took a determined step forward, calling out in what must have been the same language they were speaking.

Ever the diplomat, Jihyo thought. Forever offering the olive branch and trying to get herself killed.

She remained ready to summon another strike.

22 - Do you know how your fic will end before you write it - Not usually. Im very bad at endings. If its a fill for an AU i just write until it feels correct to stop/I run out of ideas. The overall AUs i have no clue how theyd end, maybe a vague direction for some. I do know how my one fic is going to end though, if i ever finish it (i 99% will not im so sorry)

24 - share a moodboard from a WIP - I dont do moodboards but that's another good idea i should try

25 - Have you ever made yourself upset with your own writing - Yea, in that I dont like it and get frustrated when my fingers wont just type shit. I dont think ive written anything too sad.

27 - is there a fic you were nervous to post? - I was nervous to share baby SMC au. I thought it was a cute concept but didnt know if anyone else would. Or if they'd find it weird i made SMC so young.

[palpipeen]

HEY I'M NOT DEAD

aRRIGHT SO here's the deal

oh 18+ post purely because I don't want CHILDREN around here, PERCEIVING MY LIFE AND SHIT

anyway stuff under the cut

Okay anyway

So here's the deal. Like. I'm not gonna lie.

The move was stressful, but the thing that's been keeping me from writing has been related to other things. Namely medication and my ADHD being well...bad. Real bad.

I'm not currently out of my medication, but I am currently uninsured - sort of. I don't have medical until 1 year with my new job (Oh, got a new part-time job, EXCITING). So I'm kind of keeping my medication for only the days I work, which has thrown my brain/body for a fuckin loop.

The unfortunate thing is that whatever weird brain chemistry I've got, I'm really good at doing art and keeping up with writing - but the latter kind of hinges on my brain chemistry being mostly balanced. ANd without my meds, that doesn't happen. FUN.

This isn't one of those "well if you just applied yourself, blablabla"

Nono babes. Listen, are you listening? Come closer. First of all if you think that, shhhhhhut the fuck up. Be silent. Second, I would if I could, TRUST ME, I miss writing. And lastly, I've rotated around the sun a grand total of almost 33 years -

I KNOW HOW MY BRAIN WORKS (mostly) AT THIS POINT. AND IT DON'T.

So anyway. Anything that y'all see me posting for the forseeable future - will likely be little short one-offs. Because my brain just does not know how to do writing when it's like this. And it sucks! Like I know how to but when I think of a scene I wanna write, my brain is like 'hurhur, I cast forget on the me' and then I forget I have fingers to write with. YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING???

Anyway. I love this fandom (mostly), and I still wanna keep in contact with people, but I'm also bad at that. So again, gonna throw this out there - if anyone wants to add me on discord, LMK. If I forgot to reply before I am very sorry, shit's not slowed down until kinda recently. Anyway.

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!!!! SEASONS GREASONS AND ALL THAT. Expect maybe a thing in the nearby future!

-Andie/Koofins/Palps

[infernal-house-demon]

I have been writing nearly every day without fail. Since starting my current wip in February, I have written two instalments in what will be a four (or potentially five) book series. The word count of those two books is a little more than the whole hunger games trilogy combined.

People keep asking me how I am doing this. I truly don’t know. I think it’s a bunch of things converging together?

Tldr: emerge from years long burnout, be autistic with storytelling special interest, get medicated for your adhd, take care of yourself— oh, and actual writing advice like build a routine, engage critically with other media, don’t be your own worst critic until you reach the editing stage, write something you genuinely like, and you don’t have to have it figured out from the top. Writing is literally just making shit up and making more shit up to justify it. Now go write my beautiful darlings!

Writing regularly. Getting in the habit of doing it makes it easier to start every time. I’ve been lucky to have a lot of time on my hands recently so I’ve been able to get a lot accomplished.

Not giving a shit if it’s good. I don’t mean write garbage. You should still like and enjoy it. But don’t agonize over every detail. If you can’t think of how to describe something perfectly, do what you can and move on. Writing is for getting the ideas down. Editing is for polish. Make something you like but don’t pressure yourself to make it perfect. (If it makes you feel better, my editor pointed out I completely forgot to describe several of the main characters. Sometimes when you write a scene it’s just dialogue and vibes. You’ll fix it later.)

If you try to build out every detail of the world before you start, you’ll never start. Get place names and important details and customs down, then make shit up as you go along. Remember of course that you will then have to write within the confines of that shit, but don’t worry, you can always make changes! That’s the beauty of editing. (Editor me is so bad for the amount of work I give them, but that’s their job so 🤷🏻)

If you have a really clear idea of a scene, write it immediately! For the most part, I do like to write linearly, but if I have ideas for scenes or snippets of dialogue, I will write them all down right away. Then you’re not slogging through anything just to get to that scene you really want to write. This is especially helpful if you’re writing a series and the scene is very far away. Write it now.

Have a cutting room floor document! I can’t tell you how many times I had to cut things that didn't serve the plot in the moment only for them to fit perfectly into future instalments! It hurts to cut stuff you feel is really good, so keep it! You might use it later!

The rest of these are about to get very specific to me but they are what is genuinely part of what has helped

Take a big long break from your creative hobbies. After i graduated uni, i was thoroughly burnt out. I stopped painting, I didn't write often (only the occasional fic bc it was easier on my brain). I will say writing fanfic was a big help because it gave me an idea of the character dynamics, themes, and plot points I most enjoyed writing. Then I translated all of that into my current wip. But the point of this is not to push yourself if you feel burnt out. Take what opportunities you can to rest and leave your hobbies behind for a while if that's what you need. They will be there waiting for you. I spent a solid year and a half doing almost nothing. Most of my creative energy went into digital art, and even then i wasn't creating frequently. It's okay. You need the rest.

Get medicated for adhd. Obviously this is very me-specific but I realized I had undiagnosed adhd. I had actually been given meds to try in the past but the side effects were too strong. Finally, i went back to my doctor and he helped me figure out a new one to try plus dosage and all that (I know I'm lucky that i have a good doc). The one I'm on now gives me minimal side effects and really helps my motivation and energy.

Take care of your body first. Before I could emerge from burnout and get my super creativity boost I put in a lot of work on my health. I have chronic pain, so learning what helped and what didn't has been really important. Things like fixing my sleep schedule, making sure to eat regularly, listening to my body's needs were all things I had to do before I could get into a space where I felt up to creating. (I am still working on this one. It isn't easy and I am in pain every day. Sometimes that means no writing and that's fine. Wellbeing comes first.)

Be autistic and have storytelling be your special interest. Idk what to tell you about this one. I am autistic and I have always been fascinated by creating stories, why we tell stories, the stories that have lasting impact in our lives, etc. I did my undergrad in English and my upcoming masters program is in Anthropology where i plan to write my thesis on mythology. So, uh, get yourself an autistic special interest and let it fuel your writing.

Okay that was gonna be the last one but I just remembered a really important one. CONSUME OTHER MEDIA! A lot of people will tell you to read in order to write better, and that's 100% true. But like I said, I was in burnout after I graduated, and having read so much in my English degree, I did not want to look at another book ever again. I read maybe like 3 books in the last two years (it was the Lord of the Rings Trilogy which I have already read and I was in lotr hyperfixation mode). But engaging critically with any media will help you improve your own skills. Read a book, read some poetry, watch a show your friend recommended, listen to a podcast on a topic that interests you, listen to an audiobook, whatever! Then think about it and ask yourself what works and what doesn't. Then ask yourself why it does or doesn't work. Is it just a matter of preference? Or is it the word choice, the rhythm of the punctuation, the structure, the character arcs and voices. I have read a lot of poetry in the last couple years bc it tends to be shorter and gives my brain that quick hit my adhd loves. And I promise you it not only made me a better poet, but also helped my description in prose.

Anyway, that's all I can think of for now. I'd love to do another post about my inspirations/recommendations of media. But I'll do that later. I hope this is vaguely helpful to anyone, and if not, oh well! I had fun coming up with it.

[rocinantescoffeestop]

Ted Lasso has ADHD

He’s just super well-adjusted to it and has had lots of support through his life in this particular area. In all honest, he’s like ADHD goals; someone who’s comfortable and accepting of himself and his neurology.

This is so not a scientific analysis. Just a nerd looking for solace in yet another fictional character. ;)

Five reasons why I firmly see Ted Lasso as an ADHD character:

1.) Pasta Water.

Right off the bat, here’s what started this whole internal discussion: pasta water on the stove. As well-adjusted as he seems in day-to-day appearances, little details slip his mind. Forgetfulness is one of the more obvious traits of ADHD. In 1.09 when Ted and Roy Kent are having a heart to heart about Roy’s future on the team, the scene starts off with Ted trying to offer Kent something to eat/drink like any good host, and he makes a joke about offering the pot of pasta water that’s been sitting on his stove for two days. Kind of odd to have that sitting out, right? Not for a neurodivergent, though. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve baked cookies and then left all the materials scattered about on the stove and counters overnight, and then just didn’t have the energy or mindfulness to clean it up until someone got on my case for leaving a mess.  Our minds are just on a higher plane; we prioritise differently. Ted’s not at all concerned with the material. It’s the heart and soul that gives things meaning and thus gives him muse to pursue something, and frankly, cooking and cleaning up doesn’t give him that joy.

2.) Reminders.

He has little signs that say ‘believe’ tacked up all around his house, and in the same episode that’s mentioned (1.10 if I remember correctly – when he, Nathan, and Beard are discussing tactics for the game against Manchester), there’s also a fleeting mention of having a reminder to floss (that he also states to ignore due to exhaustion). I constantly have to write things down; anything that pops into my head, I put it on a flashcard and pin it to the wall, because even if it’s something I believe in, it might leave in the next few seconds so if I want it done/ingrained in my head, I have to have it somewhere outside my head. It’s because of our absolutely shot executive function – doesn’t really work too well – that leads us around our day in a spiral, constantly finding something different/a new angle or another story off our previous story that leads us astray. We get acquainted with backpedalling, mainly from other people (or ourselves) who keep telling us: hey, you were about to tell me something? I don’t have all day. Or something similar.

3.) Mentality.

It’s obvious that Ted’s thought process is miles away from the people he’s surrounded by, and the more people try to drag him back to his way, the more firm he gets. (The only person who I’ve noticed doesn’t try to sway his mentality is Keeley, they actually vibe really well together, right off the bat, which is funny because I see a little adhd-coding in her as well.) In my experience, the more someone tells me to see a different side/do something else, the more I want to keep doing what I want to do/keep believing in my way. (It’s only recently that I discovered this was a trait shared among many with ADHD; I thought it was just me being a dick to be honest XD.) I work so well with opposition. Losing that feels a bit like losing a purpose. It’s just so lucky that Ted’s way of staying true is optimism, because there’s a lot of rampant pessimism everywhere you go, so he never truly lives without his purpose. Breaking away from this core is painful, too, and we see him refuse to do just that literally every episode.

4.) More Reasons for Optimism.

Here’s another reason for optimism: RSD. We all know that positive thinking is the first line of defense against negative thinking, and you’re thinking duh right now, I can feel it. ;D That just helps me warm up to what I’m really trying to say which is about RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a way to describe a symptom of ADHd. Now, at first, I didn’t see much evidence for this. RSD is what makes it very hard for us to bear criticism, and from what I see of Ted, he manages to handle criticism pretty well, he’s pretty civil about it, always taking it with a smile. And typically, people with this dysphoria don’t handle rejection or perceived rejection too well. Then, I realised that Ted’s intense optimism acts as a coping mechanism against this. If something is hard to hear, if criticism pulls him down to the depths, he forces himself to bounce back up because, in all honesty, everything starts with a smile, and after you start that (starting is the hardest thing), picking yourself up becomes slightly easier. He’s clearly had a lot of support in this area, not to mention a lot of his rambles almost sound like he’s searching for support – for validation – too. He latches onto people easily because of this, because external validation is such a powerful force. (The same goes for the lack of that, powerful in the opposite effect.) He knows this well, which is why he tries to be such a strong force of support for others. I can see this as being a contributing factor to why his divorce lead to an alarming/seemingly uncharacteristic bitter outburst and a severe panic attack – although that could also be because he spent so much of his life/devotion loving his wife and raising a family, that anyone forced into the situation wouldn’t have fared much better. In my experience, living with RSD has shaped me into a selfless person, ceaseless supporter, and postive-thinker, because I don’t want the people around me to feel as lonely and rejected as perceived criticism and the like leaves me. It doesn’t even matter whether I like them or not, I always end up feeling nauseated if something I say leads to even slight aggravation. (That’s something I’m working to address, as not everything I say or do will lead to people hating me, but it’s such a big motivator in my life.)

5.) The peanut butter jar.

This is a clever hack to combat the munchies. My ADHD leaves me hungry all of the time, but it’s a hunger that’s all in the head. Eating gives me stimulation to stay focused on whatever I’m doing, which isn’t always the healthiest (I like eating crunchy and/or salty things especially, as savoury keeps him going for longer). Leaving an open peanut butter jar on the table is honestly a clever hack. Peanut Butter isn’t the worst food to snack on, especially if it’s all natural/doesn’t contain processed sugars (those do not work well for our brains). It’s sweet but a little salty, and it’s a protein, meaning a little goes a long way in making us feel full. I know I don’t like to eat too much peanut butter, because then it starts to make me feel a little stuffed (not sick per se, just uncomfortable). Swinging by every so often to eat a bit of peanut butter is the perfect lil boost of dopamine, doesn’t over stuff, and the movement to get there is also refreshing. (I think I’m actually going to try this out for myself!)

There may be more, but alas, I’ve uncovered all the major signs that have been rattling around in my head since my first rewatch of this incredible show. XD!

tl;dr –

[heartofspells]

I’m trying to just do a basic outline for a fic so I know what I want to write, but my brain keeps giving me little details and I know my ADHD self is not going to remember them later in the future, so my outlines all have weird amounts of details. Nothing like trying to write while also working against your brain

This is such a large mood.

I've actually spent the majority of my day thinking about this, and...I'm not going to say that outlines are pointless or useless because they're not. They do help so much, but they only help certain people. If your mind tends to walk a more straight and narrow path, I think outlines are phenomenal things. And even if that's not the case, they can still be helpful for focusing on a specific idea and tailoring it to what you want.

But I don't use them, and I never really have. Some people will criticize and say it's a vital part of the writing process. It's not. Others just won't be able to understand because they need that structure to get their idea out into the world, down on a page, and that's fine. Everyone's brains work differently. There's nothing wrong with that, but this...call it mild pressure to outline every idea in to a degree of detail is an archaic one to me.

In school, as we learn, we're taught how to write using outlines. They're trying to structure out minds in a normalized way, but not everyone falls into generic category. Some people have thoughts that move at lightning speed, that jump from one place to another and then somewhere else before they circle back. Maybe an outline can help, or maybe it doesn't. I don't think there's any correct way to write. You're doing it for yourself, so write the way you need to in order to get it done however it satisfies you.

If an outline makes you more stressed, it's not working. Mine have never worked. I don't want to say I cheated throughout school whenever this topic was required, but I essentially did, and then I abandoned it the first opportunity I got. Instead, I might write down a few key points, plot devices I want to make sure are included, but typically I don't, because if they're that important, I'm going to remember them. Beyond that, I keep a separate document for all my small things. Spur-of-the-moment scenes that come out of nowhere. My notes app on my phone is full of them, so I copy them over to whatever document I have at the time. There are pieces of dialogue in those files, random thoughts, all these things that if anyone else opened it wouldn't make sense to them. It would look like a chaotic mess, but it makes sense to me, and that's all that matters.

If your outline works as it is, keep it. Leave in the random bits of things. You don't have to stick to the commonly accepted structure that supposedly makes up an outline, because at the end of the day, it's only for you, no one else's.

And this got a bit long-winded, didn't it? It's probably not even the reason you sent this, but I get a bit touchy about the outline thing because I've been told my entire life that I can't write anything without one. And well...clearly that's just not true.

[fondnesses]

roscoe’s notebook post

A while back I said I was going to write a post about the way I use notebooks for writing projects. This is the first of several posts about Writing Process I’ve been tossing around in my drafts for a little while as a result of conversations with friends, so bear with me.

I. Love. Notebooks. I genuinely would have to deeply overhaul my whole Process of writing anything on the longer side if I were to go paperless; I find physical paper pretty invaluable when I’m outlining, brainstorming, and researching, and I still probably write ¼-⅓ of all my actual content on paper first. (That proportion used to be a lot higher, but I’ve gotten better at being productive on a computer in recent years, which is great.) I’m a very visual person, so notebooks really help me visualize my ideas, story structure, etc. It’s very helpful to be able to use arrows and diagrams and physically strike things through, and the tactility is really soothing to me. If I show people my notebooks or talk about them, I often get a response like “this is so organized”, which is sort of true, but I have to stress that it’s “organization for a disorganized mind”; I can’t misplace ideas or notes if it all goes into the same physical object, vs. electronic notes, which are much more, like “Did I say that in a voice memo? PM it to myself on Discord? Leave it in a desktop sticky note? Write it directly into the Google Doc? Who knows! It’s lost to time!”. It’s very much an ADHD management strategy.

It helps that I’m a very neophyte stationery hobbyist and appreciate any excuse I have to use my pens, but I also will go off at any opportunity about how helpful I find them for writing projects, which is why I decided to just make a post about it. Right now I mostly use them for (fan and original) fiction projects, but I used a notebook for a very similar purpose when I was working on my undergrad thesis, and I have a slightly different but equally necessary-to-me approach to notebooks I use at work.

My typical structure for a notebook that’s devoted to one project only looks like this:

I always leave the first couple pages blank so I can go back and retroactively index bujo-style. I don’t always actually do the index, because sometimes I get too lazy, but I like having those blank pages there to give me the option. I also usually put epigraphs/inspo quotes on the first page.

After that, there’s often (but not always, I’ll talk about it) a couple pages at the start where I’m frantically jotting down loose brainstorming ideas before they've coagulated into a story structure. Just, like, vomiting into the void.

Stemming out of that, I usually write out about like 5-10 pages of outline-style notes in chronological order, laying out all the main story beats and charting out the story trajectory. This will inevitably get revised and rewritten many times, but I find the process of writing these wide-angle synopses really useful for dislodging ideas, making connections re: thematic threads, etc. from my brain.

I’ll devote a couple pages after that to specific things like "sex scene brainstorming", "random scene ideas/minor details that don't have a clear place in the outline right now but I'll turn to for inspo later" [this is what I refer to as “bits” in one of the later photos], "page where I just outline the Motifs And Themes", "research notes", "to-do list", "stuff to check on a second pass", "things to put in the a/n and AO3 tags", etc.--the specifics vary with the story.

Then, I skip ahead to approx. halfway through the notebook and cordon off the rest of the pages to be “free writing” space, AKA writing of actual content rather than planning, with the expectation there will be no internal organization and I’ll transcribe to laptop as I go. Writing on paper feels less binding than typing something on a computer; it’s like a little secret kept with myself, and it doesn’t need to go anywhere or be seen by anyone if I decide I don’t like it. Setting aside pages in the back half of the notebook means that, as more things come up re: planning, I can go back and add those in the rest of the pages that were intentionally left blank. This is how I avoid (for the most part) having the whole thing be a jumbled mess where there’s no separation between the notes and the actual story writing; I learned this the hard way via the first notebook I’ll show you in a second. I’ve recently gotten really into using Muji sticky note tabs to label any pages/sections of particular import that don't want to have to refer back to in the index and would rather just flip to instantly.

I do use notebooks that aren’t specific to any one project, but those are much less organized and less worth sharing.

Before I look at more recent stuff, here are some selections from my notebook for the project that got me into writing longfic, my Golden Kamuy canon divergence AU (with apologies for the bad photos, my phone’s camera is trash). I worked on this from Sept 2018-July 2019. It was a learning experience in a lot of ways, and notebook utilization was one of those. I’ve always used notebooks for keeping track of writing projects, as I said earlier, but before this it was largely without much organization or structure; just total chaos. Having a physical notebook became really important for this project because it was a sprawling multichapter story with rotating POVs and a lot of historical research. I also learned a lot about what not to do with a notebook, personally, or at least things that don’t work so well (for me). This was a college ruled spiral-bound Decomposition Book, for the record.

By the time I bought a notebook for it I already had a (very basic) plot outline in mind, so I wasn’t doing that very initial ground-zero brainstorming in here; I was copying out of my phone’s notes app, basically, and then going from there. 

This is one of the first pages in this notebook; I wanted to visualize the relationship web between the four central characters in the story in terms of how they feel about one another. The two colours correspond to the POV characters (Sugimoto in orange, Ogata in pink), and I used this colour-coding throughout the notebook with highlighters, etc. to keep track of information that was more relevant to one character than the other. Tsurumi and Yuusaku aren’t POV characters, but they’re prominent in the story and their presence impacts the central relationship between Sugimoto and Ogata, and it was helpful to me to map out the emotional ecosystem, as it were.

(There are coffee stains all over this, because I wrote the vast majority of the story in coffee shops because I didn’t want to be around my roommates, lol. This is part of why I never do fiction writing in notebooks that are too nice, I get neurotic about needing to keep them tidy. I can’t use ones that are too shit though, either, so it’s a bit of a narrow window. I’ll talk more about brands and paper quality etc. later.)

As you can see, this is the first page of many I set aside specifically for jotting down different pieces of historical information relevant to my story. It’s about fictional characters who are members of an army division that existed in real life, and both the canon and my fic involve a high level of attention to detail with regards to which divisions were present for which battles, etc., as well as general historical details specific to the Russo-Japanese War setting--what did people eat in the trenches? What did they do to fill time? How did they get through the winter? What did third party observers have to say about the conditions? What were the specs of their weaponry (particularly important because one of the POV characters is a sniper and gun nut)? I did a lot of reading (and watching of antique gun collector Youtube videos... the things I do for love, eh), and it came in handy so many times, because it turns out it’s much easier to write trench warfare slice of life if you have factual details to pull from when you don’t know what to do with a scene! Imagine that!

This is the first of three “grid outlines” I made; this is a way I sometimes like to visualize a story outline all on one page, with the columns representing chapters and the squares within the columns representing sections/scenes within the chapters. As you can see, early on I was hoping to get this done in five or even FOUR chapters (whatmakesyouhaha.mp3), with POV switches happening internally within the chapters. This proved to be unwieldy for many reasons, so I revised the outline:

Here I’d come to terms with the fact this story was going to have a lot more chapters than I’d planned, and I rearranged things so that it would happen in ten, with each chapter belonging to only one POV character. This also needed revising later, and in the end the story looked a bit more like this (though it did in fact end up being twelve chapters, but only because Chapter Ten was like, 12k, and needed to be split in two chunks):

I must have remembered to bring my fineliners to the coffee shop this time, lol, because as you can see it’s properly colour-coded this time. This outline was made when I was already four posted chapters into the fic, which hopefully gives you a sense of the way in which I am sort of a planner and a pantser; I can’t get into a longer project without an outline, but the outline inevitably changes many times throughout writing and I often end up with a finished product that looks pretty different from what I was intending. My creative M.O. as always is Do The Maximum! Amount! Of! Work! Possible!

This is what a “free writing” page looks like, for me. In this notebook I didn’t set aside any specific spaces for free writing so it’s strewn throughout the notebook in a really disorganized way and I was constantly flipping through looking for bits I’d written and forgotten to transcribe, and I decided to be more organized in future as a result of that. If something’s crossed through, that means I transcribed it. As you can see, they’re often small sections, sometimes just a coupled decontextualized sentences. About 3/4 of what I write in a notebook makes it into the story, I’d say; some of it never goes anywhere, and that’s OK. I have less of an issue killing my darlings if they never make it off the paper page.

A very brief, top-down chapter outline, where the goal was not to get too bogged down in details and just to visualize the beats and pin down what they’re trying to accomplish. Chapters for this fic typically ran about 6k, and five or six scenes per chapter was pretty common, so the average scene length was about 1-1.25k words/scene. IDK why I called it storyboarding when I didn’t make drawings. (Margin numbers are to keep track of word count, since I was using a daily word count tracker while writing this.)

This page was, as titled, for keeping track of the various balls in the air when I was about 2/3-3/4 of the way through the story and really feeling the pressure with regards to tying up the various loose ends. This was... a struggle. I hadn’t ever written anything longish (this fic ended up just under 70k) that had an action plot before, let alone a canon divergence scenario where I had to engage with and explain away various canon plot elements so I could maintain the audience’s suspension of disbelief.

Now, I mentioned earlier that I learned various “things not to do” with my notebooks while working on that project. One of those lessons I learned is to be more realistic when assessing how big a project is likely to get, not least because I RAN OUT OF PAGES around the chapter 9-10 mark. In my defense though, that’s because I’d never written anything even half this long! But I know better now, and try not to be in denial. Finishing the notebook early was a way bigger problem than I’d anticipated, and was part of the reason the last few chapters took several grueling months to finish. The issue was that I needed to be able to use a notebook to maintain my workflow--attempting to do it only on a computer was dismal--but it seemed silly to start a notebook of a similar size to the one I’d finished (80pg, approximately B5 dimensions) when there was no way it would need that much space, especially since the reference pages, like the historical notes, didn’t need to be transcribed over. I was also pretty broke at the time and didn’t want to spend money unnecessarily, lol. I tried to get by using a Moleskine Cahier for a month or so because I had one lying around, but it was horrid; it was too small to be used comfortably, it wasn’t spiral-bound so it wouldn’t lay flat, the ghosting is terrible and I hate the way Moleskine paper feels, etc. Eventually I caved and went to Muji and bought a 30ish page A5 with closer to lay-flat binding, and I finished the story in there. I would take a comparative pic for you of the relative notebook sizes and include some of the scene staging diagrams, etc. I put in there, but I can’t find it :(

So I learned that specs really do matter, and it’s okay to be picky if the pickiness is going to make the difference between actually using a notebook or not. Things that are important to me in my notebooks:

Ruling (gotta have ruling, I can suffer through grid but blank or dot is a no-go)

Size (I can’t use anything smaller than at least a medium-large notebook, I find it claustrophobic and get miserly about page space)

Binding (twin ring is my preference because it looks and feels better than a classic spiral but has the same comfort of use with regards to bending the pages back to suit workspace size and laying flat with ease)

Paper quality and colour (I don’t like anything too slippery/smooth or with too much visible ghosting, and I strongly prefer an off-white paper to bleached paper--part of why I don’t use Decomposition Books anymore, the paper is scratchy and it’s too damn bleached!)

Pagecount relative to size of project

Portability (in non-COVID times; anything bigger than a B5 wouldn’t fit in the satchel I used to bring to work at my old job), etc.

But everyone’s taste is different in this respect, and the only way to figure out what works for you is through trial and error, I’m afraid. I also suspect I’m more neurotic and particular about the sensory experience of using a notebook than most people are, but I yam what I yam.

Now to talk about the notebooks for my current projects, where I’ve refined my approach somewhat. I’ve included less photos for these because they’re ongoing WIPs I don’t want to spoil completely, but I’ve tried to include some outline-type stuff to give you an idea.

My big bang fic is in the very ugly twin ring notebook on the right; I got it at a dollar store by my house because I needed something to work in and didn’t want to wait for an online order, but it’s been very serviceable for my needs. The paper isn’t even bad. The bigger notebook (B5) is my Sangcheng fic.

I wanted something with a lot of pages for this, because I knew it was going to be a long story, and for some reason the fact it’s smaller than my usual preference doesn’t bug me (I think it’s an A5?); it just fits this story, somehow. I’m not sure exactly how many sheets are in here but I’d guess about 150.

Because this notebook has upwards of 100 sheets, I made a lot of use of sticky-note tabs to label high-priority pages. The colour coding of these doesn’t mean anything, it was just whichever ones I had at hand at any given moment. These are those tabs from Muji I mentioned, I’m really obsessed with them--the shape makes them so much less obtrusive and more practical than conventional squares/rectangles OR flag shapes, IME.

My big bang story is nonlinear, so, similarly to what I did with colour coding for the two POVs for my GK fic, this story has two main colours corresponding to whether a given section takes place in the “before” or the “after” portions of the timeline, with blue as “after”, yellow as “before”. This is what the most current version of the outline looks like in there:

If you squint, you can see the alphanumeric notes in the top right of each section entry; I gave them each a code like “A3″ or “B5″ corresponding to their position in the story sequence (so, it goes A1, B1, A2, B2, etc., through to B9 and then the epilogue). [Unintentional that this schema overlaps with notebook size labeling and so is kind of confusing in the context of this post.] At first I was just keeping track of the sections via the highlighted titles, but it got confusing because I’d write down “Wedding” or “Yiling” in my notes and then refer to the notes later like “but there are multiple marriages?? and multiple scenes in Yiling??”. Stuff gets struck through with a straight line if it’s been written in a more-or-less complete form and crossed out with a squiggly line if it’s been cut from the outline or made redundant.

As I said earlier, I started out all the initial brainstorming for my Sangcheng fic in its notebook, instead of brainstorming it in someone’s DMs/my notes app/a voice memo/etc. and then transcribing it into the notebook in a somewhat more organized fashion, which is how my stories usually start out. Because of this, the first five-ish pages are basically just stream of consciousness rambling where I was trying to jot down every disconnected thought I had about the story concept. I don’t have photos for that because it’s too spoilerific for later developments in the fic, but I can show you some of the stages the outlines went through, once I was able to corral those initial notes into a story structure:

All the chapters in this fic have their own highlighter colour, so when I started trying to make sense of my initial brainstorm notes I just went through and highlighted stuff in the colour of the chapter it would make the most sense for, and then transcribed things more-or-less in chronological order into the relevant chapter outline. I later ended up rewriting all the chapter outlines AGAIN to refine them and divide them internally by the individual scenes, which makes them a lot more legible and less wall-of-text-y. They look like this now, with about four sheets per chapter:

Because this fic is on the longer side, I have some pages that are just for keeping track of other story elements, like this, where I refer back to whatever the fuck the “themes” are supposed to be whenever I forget what this fic is about:

It’s all about the visionboarding... Anyway, that’s most of what I have to offer, since most of these two notebooks is Forbidden Content.

With regards to brands/supplies, I really like this Kokuyo Campus Wide notebook that I’m writing Sangcheng in, it’s pretty perfect for me. I also like the B5 Muji twin rings, but those only come in 30 sheets, so I wouldn’t use it for anything above a ~20k project. The B5 Maruman Spiral Note 6.5mm ruled/80 sheet is another good one, though I wish it was twin ring instead of spiral. As you can tell, I like Japanese stationery brands because it’s easier to find decent paper quality and minimalist design without shelling out $$ than it is with American/European brands, at least IME. I like Rollbahns too. But honestly, I can usually find pretty serviceable random notebooks that aren’t brand-name from Asian dollar stores; it’s really not something where you need to shell out tons of money.

[kuronekonerochan]

The laziest compilation of thoughts about the mess that was Alice (spoilers)

I finish a lot of shitty dramas. Like a lot. I could review them, but I won’t bc there’s too many and I’m too lazy (when you ff some dramas from 45min to 5 per episode it doesn’t really count as watching too many dramas bc it’s really a commercial break, lol). Some I watch for the so bad it’s good content, or love hate watching or just to have something to watch while I eat, even if they’re boring af. It’s also a tiny bit of ocd bc I need to see how they end (even the ones I drop I check out the finale). I only drop the ones that as Marie Kondo says *Do Not Spark Joy, more specifically...annoy me and make me cranky.

I sometimes bitch about it on DMs with ranty spoilers without structure and that reference other unrelated dramas or shows, because ADHD and my mind refuses to stay on topic, which would make it probably unintelligible except if you are in the niche who happens to have watched the other unrelated dramas, so it’s probably useless as a review.

That said, here are some random disconnected thoughts about Alice.

MAJOR SPOILER ALERTS BEWARE

(this is like partly copypaste of DM rants bc I am that lazy biatch. Also, fair warning I will seem super harsh or this drama because that’s the thing about a bitching dm versus a proper review... I am not bringing up all the points and talking about the good and what I liked as well as the bad, it’s just the bad...and although the drama is imo a mess, it does have some good in it. So if it were a review I’d always argue pros and cons...ranty thoughs who cares about pros? boring..I will not be bothered with devil’s advocate).

This was fascinating to watch, interesting but not good... but like a trainwreck.

I continued watching this mess despite the headache inducing convoluted plot (I watched a lot of timetravel stuff and I love it...encompassing all the theories about it, from butterfly effect, to effectively changing the future (with characters forgetting it or keeping it in memory because “eye of the storm” theory, the “efforts are futile and you can try to change it but the future is set in stone”, to “small changes can be made but big events are fixed points in time”, to “every change creates a new time line” and multiverse, etc... and trust me, all of them can be done well when well written or turn out a confusing illogical mess and that has nothing to do with the theory chosen, but with presenting how time travel works for that story and what the basic rules are and sticking to them...or when something happens that contradicts them, come up with an explanation as to why that happens.

 I don’t mean the drama should be an exposition borefest with too much pseudosciency jargon...but this drama gives you too little in the way of rules and the viewers sort of figure out how timetravel works (which is not bad per se, huge fan of show don’t tell...but there’s a limit to how much they cannot tell or the characters chose not to ask just for the sake of plot and not without any logic to it). Anyways, the little “rules” that we gather along the way...the writing doesn’t stick to them and keeps contradicting itself without addressing or explaining it and hoping we’re so confused we don’t notice. Some dramas you just say “eh, forget it, it doesn’t make sense, let’s turn off our brains and enjoy it”, but here if I wanted to try and follow what was going on at all it required “brain on” mode for their convoluted plot twists...which also made me aware of so may plotholes the time road should have looked like Swiss Cheese. I could go into them...but I cannot be bothered and the list would be extensive and still incomplete, so I will just put 3 here bc I can’t help it:

 1) Hot Daddy with emotional turmoil the entire drama of “Oh no, I abandoned her in 92 and regretted it, it happened 1 year ago for me, and now I find out she died in 2010. How was she, did she suffer? What did she know? Oh god, if only I were a time traveler eventually going rogue who could show up and talk to her any time in the timeline between 92 and 2010...Alas, I have to live in misery with the consequences of my actions...there is just ABSOLUTELY no way of solving this. I guess I’ll just keep making unauthorized time travel journeys from 2050′s time agency back to the year of 2020 and only 2020 to constantly be blindsided by murder attempts on everyone everywhere without having a clue to what’s going on when I could simply go back to before 2010 and talk to the one person who is proven to know what is going on.” Here is where there could be a bullshit reason as to why he could go only go to 2020 and not before, but the drama didn’t even bother.

 2) They say Tae Yi’s mom was originally a time traveler who settled with her physicist dad in the past, eventually making way for her to discover time travel herself. The mom is missing and this is never addressed again. 

3) The book...who wrote it? Because I have guesses but they never outright answer it... and if the biatch author knew that stuff why the alice in wonderland stupid analogies?

 Coward, or petty, or both.... or maybe just a chaos gremlin godlike entity who wanted to watch them all squirm, like the author from Extraordinary You...and that I could get behind, but sadly they don’t go that metaphysical/theological with the plot...which is honestly the main problem with this drama. It seems ambitious in concept but it’s never explored decently in any way, not in the pseudoscience, not in the philosophical sense of the meaning of time/space/existence, not even in its relationships, with the constant back and forth and weirdness of it.

Besides the timetravel migraine, we had the weirdest directing, that made the relationship between the leads feel a bit too incesty...which was the main reason I kept watching this drama...morbid curiosity of how they wrapped up this mess of a plot AND especially the relationship payoff...would it keep being weird with trope romance drama scenes like the female lead and second female lead facing off and being jealous, or that weird hair washing that felt more sensual than maternal? I knew it wouldn’t happen but my inner chaos gremlin wanted kdramaland to grow some balls and go full “predestination: oedipus edition” with this mess. Alas they sort of did, mostly didn’t. Even that angle was a whole inconsistent mess: there were times where it felt too romantic, then for a short minute I misguidedly shipped the journalist friend, then it seemed the dude was ace, then they calmed their tits with the whole weird romantic vibes and it got platonic cute, then with the memory merge thing finally motherly vibes, then I shipped the journalist again for 1 sec only...and then the ending:

Alice ended with the lead solving every problem by shooting himself (technically) in the head...and that's the second meta perfectly fitting ending for a drama with a good cast and terrible writing that drove itself into a corner this year, after the sleepless princess ended with the leads jumping off a cliff. I don't think it's a self aware choice of the writers, or an admission that they themselves know it was bad, but the irony is delicious.

Spoiler for the ending: he undoes timey wimey stuff from when his mom first got killed in high school and closed the time travel door. So he became an architect and new Tae Yi just woke up in her bed remembering everything, but in reality she had just come back from a conference abroad and had never met him. So mom TaeYi didn't die then, but never got back on screen after the time undo so who the f knows what happened to her. 

Also, if new Tae Yi remembers, does that mean hot daddy from the future does as well, but he is just stuck in the future without a time door to ever see them again? The drama doesn’t care answering that and forgets his character is even a thing...I will miss you, my fave who looked emotionally and literally constipated 24/7 (it doesn’t care answering much at all tbf... a little known fact about the time travel paradoxes according to the physics of this world is that besides doppelganger chickenpox it induces severe lazy writing).

Anyways new Tae Yi went looking for architect (? okay...I guess) ML after she woke up, at first he didn't remember her, but it ends with him meeting her, apparently remembering her and they stare at each other... you know, like any bad traditional romantic kdrama finale....so there is still THAT vibe. 

Honestly, the usual romantic ballad score for scenes between the leads WAS NOT the most intelligent choice for this drama in specific but boy did they stick with it (not to mention the ending song... that goes, in english “we be like Bonnie and Clyde we ride or die...which...k, sure)...so technically the ending was exactly the cliche post amnesia running back to each other and staring for the final scene while romantic music blasts trope. Take it as you will.

[writingwithadinosaur]

“A Helping Hand” - Oneshot?

“A Helping Hand” - Oneshot

My Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Malcolm Bright x Reader

Word Count: 3,082

Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color Chunks or lines of text that are in italics means that its (Y/N)’s thoughts.

Warnings: Cursing, Violence, Death (Murder Victim), Anxiety, Fears/Phobias (Specifically focusing on sharp objects, bugs/insects, water, and the fear of imperfection), Gunshot, Talk of Suicide, the joys of writing about a serial killer based on fear. 

Summary: Working a serial killer case hits a bit close to home with the latest victim. Malcolm offers a helping hand. 

Author’s Note: This all started because I tried to think of how Malcolm would handle a situation involving someone who suffers from dermatillomania. This is a bit of a selfish piece because my own anxiety, depression, and ADHD manifest itself in the form of skin picking and biting a lot. 

Please read the warnings because this is a bit heavy with death and anxiety and fear talk. I do hope that this ends up making you smile though.

This is not beta-read so please let me know if there are any mistakes!

If you guys like this story or want this “Scarecrow” killer to be continued, let me know. I already have a little bit of an idea on how to make this into a series. <3 

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

<3

- DreaSaurusREX

~~~~~~~~

You weren’t a rookie by any means, you have been in law enforcement and a little bit of psychology backgrounds for the last 5 years. But you were the newest member in this part of the NYPD. 

You really didn’t have a choice but to grow with and trust your team with the crazy shit that’s happened over the last few months. Lately, everyone has been going crazy trying over a serial killer dubbed as the “Scarecrow.” He or she took inspiration from the Batman villain and started to prey on people with phobias. 

Malcolm had some theories, but for now all you knew was the type of person that the killer targeted and no other obvious correlation between the victims. While Gil, JT, and Dani went out for lunch, Malcolm was at his desk going over the file while you found yourself stuck in the big meeting room during your break, staring at the board full of what your team had so far, trying to find anything that had somehow gone overlooked.:

Vic #1 - Omar Klinden. 25 years old. In a relationship, boyfriend’s alibi checked out. Omar was an entomophobe, someone that fears any sort of bug or insect. He was found tied to a chair in a storage unit that had three walls full of different types of bugs in glass cases, a tarantula, a handful of cockroaches, and some flesh-eating bugs on him. Cause of death was strangulation.

Vic #2 - Daphne Stewards. 26 years old. Single. Hydrophobe, someone that fears water. Found hanging above her bathtub full of water. Shallow tubs of water were laid all over the floor, preventing her from walking away if she had somehow gotten the noose from around her neck. Cause of death was hanging.

Vic #3 - Giorgio Lucinta. 33 years old. Single. Aichmophobe, someone that fears needles or pointed objects. Found tied to his dining room table with a multitude of knives, needles, and scissors stuck in the table and hanging from the lamp above the table. Multiple cuts were found over his body. Cause of death was loss of blood. 

The victims didn’t know each other. All three were in therapy for their phobias, but they all saw different therapists. Each body was found in different areas of the city. The only thing connecting them was the fact that before they died, they were tortured by being forced to endure their own personal fears before being murdered. 

Scarecrow isn’t physically taking anything from the victims, which means what they are taking from the victims is pleasure. They enjoy seeing people in complete and unfiltered fear for their lives. Each murder has shown more and more craftsmanship. They have been taking more and more time to set up something elaborate with each victim. They--

Before you could keep going, the door behind you opened to Malcolm with a sort of excited smile on his face.

“Gil called. We got a body.”

~~~~

“Victim is Wendy Undurmein. 26 years old. She was an analyst at the Cyrane theater down the road.” Gil gave you the rundown before you even entered the building.

“Cause of death?” You asked while slipping on some gloves, interested to know why you and Malcolm were called. 

“Gunshot wound to the head. It looks like suicide.”

“So then why are we here?” You could hear the slight annoyance in Malcolm’s voice, as if the case wasn’t interesting enough for him. 

Gil just motioned for you to follow him. He lead you through the apartment building and onto the third floor. JT and Dani were in the hallway, talking to a couple who you assumed to be the neighbors of the victim. Behind the normal yellow crime scene tape on the door of apartment 3538 made you realize why Gil called.

Wendy was tied to a chair in what you think to be the dining room, except every piece of furniture was replaced with an excessive amount of mirrors and lights circling and pointing at the chair in the center of the room.

“This is why I called you in.” Gil steps aside and lets you and Malcolm begin your observations.

You started by looking at the victim, Wendy. She looked younger than 26. Her shaggy bobbed brunette hair framed her delicate facial features. She was most likely wearing what she wore to work that morning. She had been wearing makeup, but you could see where some of it melted away from the tear tracks seen around her eyes and down her cheeks. 

She was tied to a nicer made wood chair, but only by her waist and ankles. Odd for a supposed suicide victim to tie herself up before shooting herself. Her head was thrown to the side, from the gunshot wound on her right temple. You follow her right arm down to the floor where the gun would have landed after she shot herself, but there was no gun in sight.

While you were inspecting Wendy, Malcolm was wandering the scene, absorbing everything he could and trying to figure out the meaning of the mirrors and lights or the reason why the rest of the apartment looked normal compared to this single room.

“Where’s the gun?” You peak through a break between a couple of mirrors and find Gil watching Malcolm to make sure he doesn’t mess anything up. He shrugged his shoulders a little bit as he answered you.

“No gun.”

“What do you mean ‘no gun?’ Unless I’m seeing things, she has a bullet hole in her skull.”

“I mean there was no gun found at the scene of the crime.” Gil shifted his gaze to you tilting his head slightly, making it really click as to why you were called. 

“Someone else was here before, during, or after this all happened.” Malcolm piped out the now obvious truth from behind one of the mirrors, inspecting it to see if there was anything odd about it. Dani and JT walked in as he spoke.

“I’m assuming before and during. Right after the gunshot was heard, the neighbors called 911 and reported it. When they came in, it was just Wendy here.”

You panned around the scene, trying to find anything else, but then you realized that no one had mentioned the elephant in the room: The mirrors and lights.

“All of this makes a bit more sense if there was someone else here.” Malcolm motioned to the setup, no one spoke up.

He turned to you as if to ask, “What? You don’t see it?” And you had to admit that you could see some possible things, but you were sure that he had a bigger and more coherent picture in his head. You motioned for him to go on.

“These are set up to make sure that Wendy had nowhere else to look other than at herself. The lights are set up so that virtually no shadows would be cast on any part of her, making every pore, line, and hair visible.” He stood behind the chair with Wendy’s body still tied to it, looking at every mirror to see the different angles. “I gotta say that some of these angles are pretty unflattering.” He paused, thinking out loud. “Maybe that was the point: To show the imperfections.”

“Could also be the reason why she wore so much makeup. To try to hide any blemishes,” Dani spoke up. 

You and Malcolm swapped. Now he was inspecting the victim and you looked at the scene. But you didn’t look at the mirrors, you looked at the rest of the apartment. Everything was in order. The bed was made as if it was a hotel bed, the towels on the towel racks were perfectly hung. She had awards and degrees hung up perfectly aligned on her wall. Showcasing her achievements. 

Imperfections. The word kept sticking out in your brain when something clicked: She was trying to prove that she wasn’t a screw up; that she was doing good things and good work. She wanted to be as perfect as she could be. 

As you kept looking and piecing more and more together, Malcolm’s discoveries validated your theory.

“She has small cuts around her fingers as if she was picking or biting at them. Her lips look bitten up too.”

“So? It’s New York and it's been cold out. Maybe it's just the weather making her skin dry or somethin’?” JT questioned.

“Check the inside of her cheeks.” You speak up, a bit panicked from the kitchen, finding everything in picturesque form like the rest of the apartment. You had also found the various pills on her counter. One bottle was paroxetine, an SSRI for treating chronic anxiety disorders, making your thoughts race as you realized the possible severity of this case. 

“Excuse me?” Gil spoke up, confused as to where you were going. Malcolm had looked away from Wendy to watch you walk back towards them, noticing small psychological hints that the others wouldn’t. Your eyes were flicking to different parts of Wendy, your breathing was slightly shaky, and you had a look that told him that you were trying to keep your cool while your mind was frantic.

You kept your breathing as controlled as you could, but you felt your chest tightening. You know these signs because you have lived through them. You tried to not focus on your hands while you explained your thought process.

“I think this may be a Scarecrow victim.” 

Gil walked up next to you, you felt yourself starting to nip at the insides of your cheeks as he whispered “Are you sure? This doesn’t look like it fits his profile. We can’t just throw that out in the air without knowing 100%...”

Malcolm was curious but cautious, so he stayed silent as you went on, keeping a close eye on you to see if you were going to be okay. 

“Wendy had anxiety. She--”

“So does most of New York. That doesn’t mean she’s a Scarecrow Vic.” JT quipped.

“Hear her out.” Malcolm defended before giving his attention to you, motioning for you to go on.

“Wendy had anxiety. It could be generalized anxiety disorder, but I think it's more than just ‘generalized.’ You kept saying imperfections and it made me realize how much she valued perfection… and feared imperfection. The fear of imperfection is called Atelophobia. It also means to fear not being good enough.”

You were visually focusing on Wendy’s body, but as you said “phobia” you saw Gil step away, sigh, and run his hand over his face from the corner of your eye. He, and everyone else in the room, were beginning to believe that this was the work of their serial killer. Malcolm knew about the phobia, but kept listening to see how far you could explain before needing help.

“She has her proudest achievements hanging perfectly on her wall to try to validate herself. Her lips are chewed up and there are signs of permanent damage at the skin around her fingers where they’ve been continuously picked at for an extended period of time.” 

You subconsciously hold your hands and try to not scratch. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Malcolm. 

“Wendy saw or felt when her skin would get dry and start to peel and view those as imperfections, making her pick and bite until she couldn’t anymore. She was trying to get rid of the mistakes.” You paused, trying to keep yourself in check. “And I’m sure if you look at the inside of her cheeks, they’ll be bitten up too.”

You were going to try to explain the mirror set up in correlation to the phobia, but your hands started to shake as you thought about your struggle with anxiety. Malcolm could see that you were unsettled by something and took over, seeing how it all worked together.

“The killer set these mirrors up for the reason we said earlier: to make Wendy see herself. They manipulated her into seeing all of the lines or dots or blemishes or what have you, progressively making her more and more scared of herself. Knowing that this phobia stretches to the idea of not being good enough, the killer most likely pointed out examples of when she messed up. Even the smallest of mistakes could set off Wendy’s spiral. They then gave her a choice to either live in fear and shame or to kill herself. And after exposing her to her phobia so intensely, she chose the gun.”

You just nodded as turned to walk out of the room, not making eye contact with anyone as you quietly said “I need to get some air.”

Gil turned to follow you and see if you were okay, but Malcolm was already on it as he put a hand up to Gil that said, “I got this.”

You found the exit to the alley behind the apartment building and found a spot against the wall to sit, close your eyes, and try to breathe. As soon as you sat down, you unknowingly start picking at the cuticles around your nails, old habits coming back. Your chest was tight and you couldn’t slow down the shirt, quick breaths that fled your panicked lungs.

You heard someone open the door a minute after you and thought nothing of it until you heard someone sit a respectable distance from you. You didn’t bother opening your eyes figuring it was Gil or Dani.

“Hey. If you don’t get your heart rate down, you're going to pass out.” 

Your eyes shot open as you realized that Malcolm was the one that came to check on you. After a second, you realized that it made sense why he would come out to try and help. He has a better understanding of psychology than anyone on the team. All you could do was nod your head in understanding because you knew that you had to calm down, but it was just harder than expected. 

“Would it help to try to follow my breathing?” You nodded your head, which prompted Malcolm to sit a bit closer next to you against the wall, making his breaths more audible. Slowly but surely, your breathing started to even out. Malcolm reached to his side and produced a water bottle that he had gotten from his car. 

“Here. Take a couple small sips. Sorry it’s not cold, but it should still help.”

You did as he said and then started to fidget with the water bottle. It was better than picking more at your fingers. 

“So how long have you had dermatillomania?” Malcolm asked cautiously, scared that talking about it might make it worse.

“A majority of my life.” You sighed out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Malcolm was watching you closely, looking for any signs that your anxiety would flare up again. You figured that he was curious and deserved to know how you came to the conclusion at the scene.

“When I was in college, I started seeing a therapist. We thought I had atelophobia. But after a few sessions, we realized that it was a mix of GAD, depression, and ADHD. The dermatillomania is the way most of that energy comes out. It’s mostly in high anxiety situations or when my ADHD is really bad. You have your tremors, I have” you looked down at your hands and realized you had begun picking again and that your finger was now bleeding a little bit. Raising your hands up, you sighed in annoyance, “this bullshit.”

You plopped your hands down in your lap and looked up at the sky, closing your eyes and taking another few frustrated deep breaths. 

“Thank you for telling me.”

Without opening your eyes or moving away, you responded. “Well, I figured if anyone on this team was going to understand and respect it, it would be you.” You both half chuckled before you returned your gaze to him. “Thank you for listening and for having my back up there.”

Malcolm waved his hand to dismiss the second part of your thanks and then remembered something. You looked as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a bandaid he had snagged from one of the med kits at the scene. He held out his hand as if to ask for yours. You gently gave it to him and he proceeded to bandage up the fingertip that you had been picking at. Once he finishes, making sure it's not too tight or uncomfortable, he holds your hand for a little bit longer as he speaks his mind.

“I know how bad this job can get for people like us that have mental battles going on. And now that I know at least a little bit of what’s going on, I want you to know that you can come to me for help if you need it. If something in a case isn’t sitting right with you, or you need to go and grab a coffee for a distraction, or even just someone to find a bandaid for you, I’d be happy to lend a helping hand.” He ended with a true and contagious sympathetic smile that you don’t see very often on the face of Malcolm Bright.

“I really appreciate that. I will probably take you up on it.” He nods in contentment. “This offer does go both ways though, Bright.” He looked at you with a slightly tilted head. “I know you have a lot going on in that mind of yours that I may not fully understand, but if there is ever anything I can do to try and make it a bit more pleasant, let me know.”

“Sounds like a deal, (Y/N).” He gives your hand a squeeze before letting go. The two of you sit there in silence, focusing on your breathing together for the next five or so minutes. Without warning, Malcolm stands up and extends his hands out to you with a smile. You give him a questioning look. 

“I could actually really go for some good distracting coffee right now, and I would like you to come with me and be equally distracting. If you want.”

You couldn’t help but smile back. There was something about this strange man that made you feel comfortable. And after dealing with your anxiety more than you had hoped for, you find yourself reaching for his hand.

“That sounds like a fantastic idea.”

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @elora-lane  (she/they) content warning: mentions of mental illness and past physical injury

what are you working on right now? what’s something you’d like to write one day? 

Right now, I am working on a Bellarke A/B/O period fic called Surely, You Must Know. I am also working on my Bellarke for BLM Prompts. The first one was posted a couple weeks ago, and I have a bit written for my Bellarke improv/roommates au, and the Josie/Bellamy Bellarke fic (where Bellamy goes through the wringer with an abusive Josie, and Clarke is there to help him heal). 

Something I’d like to write one day... I have a book idea about a genderfluid, bisexual individual based in the early 1820s. The main character (she/her, they/them) was born female and finds herself ostracized after she kisses her best friend (a female), when her friend says she is going to school elsewhere. It takes place over years, and involves the main character falling in love, her love being killed in front of her, having a child and ending up with the very same friend who couldn’t accept her own sexuality (the best friend is a lesbian). 

I’m not sure If I’ll get around to writing it, but I have it all planned out and the characters already live in my mind.  

what is the fanwork you’re most proud of?  Hmm... that’s honestly very difficult for me to answer because I’m rarely happy with my writing in the long term. But I’d say I’m proud of The Governor’s Daughter, which was written for Garcy (timeless, Garcia Flynn/Lucy Preston). I had a three-part story planned out for this fic, but I’ve since gotten so absorbed with Bellarke that I changed the ending so it wouldn’t torture fans. But in the original ending the main character is pregnant when she is kidnapped, and her husband is recovering from a gunshot wound himself, when shots are fired in her home. 

The main character leaves thinking everyone she loves is dead. 

I was rather proud of the fic because it’s the longest thing I’ve written- and I don’t write long works. Beyond that, it was about two individuals who should never have met. But did and fell in love despite all odds. In the story not everything is as it seems. I did a lot of research for it and wonder if I got it right (the language probably needs some work). I sorta get obsessed with research, although I know it’s not perfect. 

The Bellarke work I’m most proud of is probably How Not to Quarantine. I went into it wanting to write something smutty. But it became a bit deeper than that and dealt with issues of battling societal norms, sexism toward both women and men, and miscommunication. 

why did you first start writing fic?  I got inspired by Garcia Flynn and Lucy Preston from Timeless. I got inspired by the idea of time travel, and how the future is never as it seems. I’ve always written poetry, and very short stories. But fan fic has been my first time really writing stories with somewhat significant plotlines. I wanted to fill a plot hole, and well... I haven’t stopped writing since. 

Another aspect of it was that I was new mom and unemployed. I have twins who are toddlers now. But when I first started writing I had horrible post-partum depression and anxiety that lasted two years. Writing helped me funnel all of that and be the new mom I needed to be. The lovely comments and encouragement I got from fandom friends played a part in keeping me on the road to recovering from my worst depressive episode. 

what frustrates you most about fic writing?  Honestly, not to sound mellow-dramatic, but me. I frustrate myself. 

I’ve mentioned it a little bit, but I had a few head injuries and I have bad ADHD. It’s a lot better than it was when I first started writing about two and half years ago. I would revisit my works and there were so many errors and things that just didn’t make sense. After my last head injury (I fell 8ft on concrete right onto the back of my head about eight years ago), I would write papers that made sense to me in the moment, and then my instructor would show me what I wrote, and it was just totally jumbled up nonsense- some of it wasn’t even words. Needless to say, I had to drop out of college. 

So, as frustrating as it is, I’m proud of myself for continuing to write enough to retrain my brain (of course, it also healed, and anti depressants helped my brain chemistry realign). I still make errors and my brain gets tired quickly on some days, but I’ve come a long way. Grammarly is a huge help, too! 

what are your top five songs right now?  Oh boy. I totally blame @star-sky-earth for the first three... here is a list. 

Body by SYML

Touch by Sleeping at Last

Let Me by ZAYN

Bulletproof Weeks by Matt Nathanson

Nashville by Noah Gundersen

That was so hard to decide, thank you for the challenge!

what are your inspirations (books, songs, other fic, really good cake?)?  Music is huge for me. I’m very sensitive to the mood that music puts me in. A good tune can help me think of an entire plotline. Usually, it’s the music in a movie and the visuals that inspire me, and rarely the dialogue. 

Anything by Jane Austen is inspiring for my Bellarke ABO period fic. My fav JA book is Northanger Abbey, but I rewatched the film version of Mansfield Park, Emma, and Sense and Sensibility (the BBC three-parter) all in one night! 

Bonus note: the new Emma has a really good kiss scene that is just 100%... Muy Bueno. Loved it. ed’s note: the new Emma film is very good

what first attracted you to Bellarke? what attracts you now? Well, frankly I was attracted to Bellarke fic before I liked them in the show. But some of the Modern AUs and some of the Canon Divergent AUs have power dynamics that really get me. I love fics where one of them is a king/queen or boss, and it takes time for them to fall in love, but the one with the power is gracious and caring and uses that to help the other. Even if it takes a while to get there, I guess kindness and compassion attract me. As does conflict resolution. To me, conflict is worth it if it gets a good resolution. 

I also like other themes like loyalty, perseverance, transformation, epiphany and absolution. 

In the show, season six hooked me. 

BESIDES Bellarke, what character or pairing do you like best on t100?  I’m gonna answer this from a fic writer perspective. Honestly, I’d love to see season six Echo continue the road to absolution and end up with Gabriel (I mean, it’s a pipe dream, but Gecho, c’mon...). I’m okay with where she is in season seven, because I can’t control it. But it’s not what I would have done. 

Roan/Echo is fav of mine. 

I also would have loved to see Gina and Raven. Or more Gina/Bellamy. I really liked Gina. 

As far as 100% actual ships, I liked Linctavia. I do like season seven, too. Although it feels like a totally different show. 

why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm?  I decided to because it allows me to use something unique for the good of others. I try for the most part to help others.

what’s your writing process like?  Chaos. 

Writing for me is like cracking open a coconut. It’s tough to get there, but once you do it doesn’t stop. And if you hit it too hard, the stuff just goes all over the place. 

what are some things you’d like to recommend?  In general? Umm... Calm Magnesium drink, it’s super relaxing. Like last night I started having all this anxiety and drank some. It calmed me down enough to sleep (also listened to the sound of a snowstorm and crackling fire). 

I also recommend introspection and reflection. If you do that a lot, I recommend art or writing. Life is all about balance.

You can find @elora-lane here on Tumblr, or at their ao3 here. Request a fic written by her over at @bellarkefic-for-blm.

[soldouthaz]

I really want to start writing fics because writing has always been a passion of mine, and what better way to use it than to write about and interact with a fandom i'm passionate about as well, right? the problem is that i'm a 'gifted kid' with both adhd and depression, which makes for both lack of motivation and lack of attention span, even if I'm mentally obsessing over what I'm working on, I'll have a lot of trouble actually doing it. (1/2)

On top of that, I tend to back away or give up completely if I don't have an immediate knack for something or if I hit a roadblock of sorts. Do you have any tips for me, and, more specifically, for how to explore your passions even when your brain chemistry is kicking your ass? (2/2)

hi!! what a good question!!! I've always struggled with some of this myself so I'll do my best to give some good advice below the cut!!! 

- just a quick tw for anyone who may be sensitive to topics including depression or other similar mental health conditions! -

(i’ll talk about a few things regarding the adhd/depression and then I'll include some advice at the end for you!!! this got kind of long (sorry!) but if you read anything, make sure it’s the end!)

so this was something I struggled with big time for a while when I first started writing! I don’t have ADHD but I do have OCD, which is also quite the cocktail with depression so I feel your pain! i understand how frustrating it is because writing is very two sided in my experience, meaning on one hand it’s cathartic and eases anxiety, but on the other hand it can induce those negative feelings just as quickly as it got rid of them if you’re too overwhelmed while doing so.

depression is always the heavy hitter for me personally. I can have so many ideas and so much excitement for them and yet when I sit down to write everything seems so overwhelming that I end up backing out of it and leaving it for later for the millionth time. mine is mostly seasonal as well, so i go through periods of time (like these past few months) where i get very unmotivated and don’t write much at all. it’s an annoying cycle to then feel unproductive and know that you want to do it but you don’t do it but you feel like you should etc. etc..

the ADHD (or OCD in my case) seems to always be more of an environment issue for me. I really can only write more than a few sentences once I'm alone in the dead of night, when everyone else is asleep and I'm in control of my surroundings -- for example, the volume (music, fans, tv, etc), position (where I'm sitting, what’s around me), and being comfortable (comfy clothes, blankets, etc). I'm a big sensory person so if something’s even slightly brushing my arm in the wrong way, I can’t get into what I'm doing.

but i also understand what you mean strictly focus wise, when you’re trying to plan out your ideas and just keep jumping from one thing to another! (by the way i love that you mentioned when you're not good at something immediately you tend to give up - i do the same thing!) this is where i’ll try to give you some of the tips that helped me personally!

not too get too sappy, but to me the beauty of writing has always been that there is no right or wrong way to do it. the most difficult part of it is nailing down the fact that you should write for yourself and not simply to get hits or kudos or comments or anything. it should be fun and ultimately rewarding, and if it isn’t, don’t try to force yourself!

this is where the flip side of the adhd/depression + writing debate comes in -- finishing a piece of work can be one of the best feelings in the world, no matter how big or small or if other people enjoy it or not. because now you’ve got something that you can point to and say hey, i did that! i created this thing and put it into the world regardless of the challenges i might have encountered along the way or anyone else’s judgement! and that’s a wonderful feeling, especially if you’re like me when you feel lazy or unproductive half the time and the other half of you is constantly restless, full of energy with no other outlet for it.

so my advice to you would be to start small. it took me months to finish the first fic that i published because i split it up into portions and didn’t force myself if i truly didn’t want to write that day. to elaborate about ‘small’, there’s several different options!

before i got into fandom writing, poetry was the holy grail for me because it didn’t require much effort! i used my phone or the nearest notebook i had to just scribble down my feelings in just a few lines. it helped me feel better quickly just to get it off my chest, it wasn’t time consuming, and there was no planning required so it wasn’t overwhelming to me! poetry is fun to just play around with and you can kind of make up your own rules, so feel free to try that as a warm up or experiment as well!

but you mentioned specifically fics and fandom writing, so there are some options for that as well!

drabbles are a great idea as an intro to writing in my opinion! they’re wonderful practice for finding your ‘writing voice’ and learning which genres and topics you enjoy writing about before diving headfirst into a long fic! if you plan on publishing it, they’re also a great way to set the tone for readers of what your future works will be like! (another exercise similar to this is word prompts, where you choose a random word and just try to write and see what comes out!)

WIPs are fairly controversial, but who cares? if you’ve got something you want to write and you want to publish a chapter indefinitely throughout the year just when you feel like it, go for it! it’s still a creative outlet and it’s still you expressing yourself, which means it’s fully worth it.

that being said, my entire world changed after i started outlining. if you want to write a full fic to be published at once, the most helpful thing is to have a plan. it doesn’t have to be nailed down or perfect, but even just scribbling down some random scene ideas or plot points can help! from there, if you feel like it, you can go as detailed as you want and add things like goal word count, character bios, etc. until it begins to take the shape of a full story!

while keeping all of this in mind, i know i’m stressing it but it’s so important to remember that how you view this can be the change in how all of this pans out. writing for yourself is the goal here -- getting attached to hits or kudos or reblogs only provides temporary validation. it’s nice but it’s not going to give you that emotional payoff.

you mentioned that writing was a passion of yours and writing can be extremely cathartic, especially when you’re writing about an interest or something you love! no part of it should be extremely stressful or make you more anxious than when you started. i honestly can’t recommend it enough, even if you don’t share your first drafts or if you end up scrapping parts of it later on. no matter how long or short it is and no matter if it’s something you think people will read or not.

with depression and ADHD especially, writing is the perfect mix of pushing yourself and achieving goals without going too far, and it’s helped me in my own mental health journey immensely. (most of my works are just emotion-dumps where i use my characters and storylines to cope with whatever’s going on in my current life!) it’s a type of therapy in itself, and to be able to share it in a community of people that view it the same way is just an added bonus! 

speaking more generally regarding your point about trying to enjoy your interests while also dealing with mental health conditions that limit your ability to do so, my go-to method is always just to take it as it comes, or break it down into easier sections to deal with. if i’m doing something and i’m aware of and actively trying to fight an OCD tic (or in your case ADHD behavior), it’s only going to make me more anxious. so my advice would be to take a break and do something comforting to calm down, then return to what you were doing before. we have to remember to be kind to ourselves, especially in this weird time!

conversely, with depression, i try to push myself just slightly. my brain usually wants to give up and shut down and sometimes that’s okay too, but it usually pays off for me if i bargain with myself to keep going or keep trying, like promising myself a nap or some relaxing time if i can finish x amount of whatever i’m working on, if that makes sense. a little bit can go a long way!

ahh sorry, this one kind of got away from me! i’m sorry it’s so lengthy but i hope some part of it resonated with you! the ask touched on a lot of different things so if you need me to clarify anything or elaborate or if you have any more questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me again! i also made a post about my writing process a while ago if that’s something you’d be interested in, and this post from the other day has some other tips on dealing with grief/anxiety that may also be helpful for your situation! 

(also, I'd just like to point out that just from your ask alone I can tell you write really well! I would be very interested in reading something of yours in the future!) 

I'm wishing you the best of luck with your first venture into writing and fics, and I'd be more than happy to help you in any way that I can! I can’t wait to see what all you do <33333