#the 2 of them told this story so well
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finally seeking out the rolleigns 2022 match in its entirety (by which i mean. including their full entrances/introductions
i just really appreciate how shitty both of them are. they're the worst. especially to each other.
#all of seth's posturing at the beginning of this match. through all the little expressions and the big gestures#and roman's posturing too!! his is so. 'look at the things i've done and understand they make me better than you'#(when obviously he doesn't believe that otherwise he wouldn't be so torn up about seth)#jrestling#the 2 of them told this story so well#seth's 'look at this fuckin guy' expression. seth you are the fuckin guy do you understand#you're the same. you two are the same#insufferable bird of paradise#inexorable red-winged blackbird#birds on a wire
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oooh please someday tell us what you think of GOT
oh, no, it's my fatal weakness! it's [checks notes] literally just the bare modicum of temptation! okay you got me.
SO. in order to tell what's wrong with game of thrones you kind of have to have read the books, because the books are the reason the show goes off the rails. i actually blame the showrunners relatively little in proportion to GRRM for how bad the show was (which I'm not gonna rehash here because if you're interested in GOT in any capacity you've already seen that horse flogged to death). people debate when GOT "got bad" in terms of writing, but regardless of when you think it dropped off, everyone agrees the quality declined sharply in season 8, and to a certain extent, season 7. these are the seasons that are more or less entirely spun from whole cloth, because season 7 marks the beginning of what will, if we ever see it, be the Winds of Winter storyline. it's the first part that isn't based on a book by George R.R. Martin. it's said that he gave the showrunners plot outlines, but we don't know how detailed they were, or how much the writers diverged from the blueprint — and honestly, considering the cumulative changes made to the story by that point, some stark divergence would have been required. (there's a reason for this. i'll get there in a sec.)
so far, i'm not saying anything all that original. a lot of people recognized how bad the show got as soon as they ran out of Book to adapt. (I think it's kind of weird that they agreed to make a show about an unfinished series in the first place — did GRRM figure that this was his one shot at a really good HBO adaptation, and forego misgivings about his ability to write two full books in however many years it took to adapt? did he think they would wait for him? did he not care that the series would eventually spoil his magnum opus, which he's spent the last three decades of his life writing? perplexing.) but the more interesting question is why the show got bad once it ran out of Book, because in my mind, that's not a given. a lot of great shows depart from the books they were based on. fanfiction does exactly that, all the time! if you have good writers who understand the characters they're working with, departure means a different story, not a worse one. now, the natural reply would be to say that the writers of GOT just aren't good, or at least aren't good at the things that make for great television, and that's why they needed the books as a structure, but I don't think that's true or fair, either. books and television are very different things. the pacing of a book is totally different from the pacing of a television show, and even an episodic book like ASOIAF is going to need a lot of work before it's remotely watchable as a series. bad writers cannot make great series of television, regardless of how good their source material is. sure, they didn't invent the characters of tyrion lannister and daenerys targaryen, but they sure as hell understood story structure well enough to write a damn compelling season of TV about them!
so but then: what gives? i actually do think it's a problem with the books! the show starts out as very faithful to the early books (namely, A Game of Thrones and A Clash of Kings) to the point that most plotlines are copied beat-for-beat. the story is constructed a little differently, and it's definitely condensed, but the meat is still there. and not surprisingly, the early books in ASOIAF are very tightly written. for how long they are, you wouldn't expect it, but on every page of those books, the plot is racing. you can practically watch george trying to beat the fucking clock. and he does! useful context here is that he originally thought GOT was going to be a trilogy, and so the scope of most threads in the first book or two would have been much smaller. it also helps that the first three books are in some respects self-contained stories. the first book is a mystery, the second and third are espionage and war dramas — and they're kept tight in order to serve those respective plots.
the trouble begins with A Feast for Crows, and arguably A Storm of Swords, because GRRM starts multiplying plotlines and treating the series as a story, rather than each individual book. he also massively underestimated the number of pages it would take him to get through certain plot beats — an assumption whose foundation is unclear, because from a reader's standpoint, there is a fucke tonne of shit in Feast and Dance that's spurious. I'm not talking about Brienne's Riverlands storyline (which I adore thematically but speaking honestly should have been its own novella, not a part of Feast proper). I'm talking about whole chapters where Tyrion is sitting on his ass in the river, just talking to people. (will I eat crow about this if these pay off in hugely satisfying ways in Winds or Dream? oh, totally. my brothers, i will gorge myself on sweet sweet corvid. i will wear a dunce cap in the square, and gleefully, if these turn out to not have been wastes of time. the fact that i am writing this means i am willing to stake a non-negligible amount of pride on the prediction that that will not happen). I'm talking about scenes where the characters stare at each other and talk idly about things that have already happened while the author describes things we already have seen in excruciating detail. i'm talking about threads that, while forgivable in a different novel, are unforgivable in this one, because you are neglecting your main characters and their story. and don't tell me you think that a day-by-day account tyrion's river cruise is necessary to telling his story, because in the count of monte cristo, the main guy disappears for nine years and comes hurtling back into the story as a vengeful aristocrat! and while time jumps like that don't work for everything, they certainly do work if what you're talking about isn't a major story thread!
now put aside whether or not all these meandering, unconcluded threads are enjoyable to read (as, in fairness, they often are!). think about them as if you're a tv showrunner. these bad boys are your worst nightmare. because while you know the author put them in for a reason, you haven't read the conclusion to the arc, so you don't know what that reason is. and even if the author tells you in broad strokes how things are going to end for any particular character (and this is a big "if," because GRRM's whole style is that he lets plots "develop as he goes," so I'm not actually convinced that he does have endings written out for most major characters), that still doesn't help you get them from point A (meandering storyline) to point B (actual conclusion). oh, and by the way, you have under a year to write this full season of television, while GRRM has been thinking about how to end the books for at least 10. all of this means you have to basically call an audible on whether or not certain arcs are going to pay off, and, if they are, whether they make for good television, and hence are worth writing. and you have to do that for every. single. unfinished. story. in the books.
here's an example: in the books, Quentin Martell goes on a quest to marry Daenerys and gain a dragon. many chapters are spent detailing this quest. spoiler alert: he fails, and he gets charbroiled by dragons. GRRM includes this plot to set up the actions of House Martell in Winds, but the problem is that we don't know what House Martell does in Winds, because (see above) the book DNE. So, although we can reliably bet that the showrunners understand (1) Daenerys is coming to Westeros with her 3 fantasy nukes, and (2) at some point they're gonna have to deal with the invasion of frozombies from Canada, that DOESN'T mean they necessarily know exactly what's going to happen to Dorne, or House Martell. i mean, fuck! we don't even know if Martin knows what's going to happen to Dorne or House Martell, because he's said he's the kind of writer who doesn't set shit out beforehand! so for every "Cersei defaults on millions of dragons in loans from the notorious Bank of Nobody Fucks With Us, assumes this will have no repercussions for her reign or Westerosi politics in general" plotline — which might as well have a big glaring THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT stamp on top of the chapter heading — you have Arianne Martell trying to do a coup/parent trap switcheroo with Myrcella, or Euron the Goffick Antichrist, or Faegon Targaryen and JonCon preparing a Blackfyre restoration, or anything else that might pan out — but might not! And while that uncertainty about what's important to the "overall story" might be a realistic way of depicting human beings in a world ruled by chance and not Destiny, it makes for much better reading than viewing, because Game of Thrones as a fantasy television series was based on the first three books, which are much more traditional "there is a plot and main characters and you can generally tell who they are" kind of book. I see Feast and Dance as a kind of soft reboot for the series in this respect, because they recenter the story around a much larger cast and cast a much broader net in terms of which characters "deserve" narrative attention.
but if you're making a season of television, you can't do that, because you've already set up the basic premise and pacing of your story, and you can't suddenly pivot into a long-form tone poem about the horrors of war. so you have to cut something. but what are you gonna cut? bear in mind that you can't just Forget About Dorne, or the Iron Islands, or the Vale, or the North, or pretty much any region of the story, because it's all interconnected, but to fit in everything from the books would require pacing of the sort that no reasonable audience would ever tolerate. and bear in mind that the later books sprout a lot more of these baby-plots that could go somewhere, but also might end up being secondary or tertiary to the "main story," which, at the end of the day, is about dragons and ice zombies and the rot at the heart of the feudal power system glorified in classical fantasy. that's the story that you as the showrunner absolutely must give them an end to, and that's the story that should be your priority 1.
so you do a hack and slash job, and you mortar over whatever you cut out with storylines that you cook up yourself, but you can't go too far afield, because you still need all the characters more or less in place for the final showdown. so you pinch here and push credulity there, and you do your best to put the characters in more or less the same place they would have been if you kept the original, but on a shorter timeframe. and is it as good as the first seasons? of course not! because the material that you have is not suited to TV like the first seasons are. and not only that, but you are now working with source material that is actively fighting your attempt to constrain a linear and well-paced narrative on it. the text that you're working with changed structure when you weren't looking, and now you have to find some way to shanghai this new sprawling behemoth of a Thing into a television show. oh, and by the way, don't think that the (living) author of the source material will be any help with this, because even though he's got years of experience working in television writing, he doesn't actually know how all of these threads will tie together, which is possibly the reason that the next book has taken over 8 years (now 13 and counting) to write. oh and also, your showrunners are sick of this (in fairness, very difficult) job and they want to go write for star wars instead, so they've refused the extra time the studio offered them for pre-production and pushed through a bunch of first-draft scripts, creating a crunch culture of the type that spawns entirely avoidable mistakes, like, say, some poor set designer leaving a starbucks cup in frame.
anyway, that's what I think went wrong with game of thrones.
#using the tags as a footnote system here but in order:#1. quentin MAY not be dead according to some theories but in the text he is a charred corpse#2. arianne is great and i love her but to be honest. my girl is kinda dumb. just 2 b real.#3. faegon is totally a blackfyre i think it's so obvious it may well be text at this point#it's almost r+l = j level man like it's kind of just reading comprehension at this point#4. relatedly there are some characters i think GRRM has endings picked out for and some i think he specifically does NOT#i think stannis melisandre jon and daenerys all will end up the same. jon and dany war crimes => murder/banishment arc is just classic GRRM#but i think jon's reasoning will be different and it'll be better-written.#im sorry but babygirl shireen IS getting flambeed. in response stannis will commit epic battle suicide killing all boltons i hope#brienne will live but in some tragic 'stay awhile horatio' capacity. likely she will try to die defending her liege and fail#faegon will die there's zero chance blackfyres win ever#now jaime/cersei I do NOT think he knows. my brothers in christ i don't think this motherfucker knows who the valonqar is!!#same with tyrion i think that the author in GRRM wants to do a nasty corruption arc + kill him off but the person in him loves him too much#sansa i have no goddamn idea what's going to happen. we just don't know enough about the northern conspiracy to tell#w/ arya i think he has... ideas. i don't think she's going to sail off to Explore i am almost certain that the show doing that was a cover#because the actual idea he gave them was unsavory or nonviable for some reason. bc like.#why would arya leave bran and jon and sansa? the family she's just spent her whole life fighting to come back to and avenge?#this is suspicious this does not feel like arya this does not feel right#bran will not be king or if he is it'll be in a VERY different way not the dumbfuck 'let's vote' bullshit#i personally think bran is going to go full corruption arc and become possessed by the 3 eyed raven. but that could be a pipe dream#the thing is he's way too OP in the show so the books have to nerf him and i think GRRM is still trying to work out#a way to actually do that.#i don't think he told them what happened with littlefinger or sansa. i think sansa's story is vaguely similar#(stark restoration through the female line etc)#but the queen in the north shit is way too contrived frankly. and selfishly i hope she gets something different#being a monarch in ASOIAF is not a happy ending. we know this from the moment we meet robert baratheon in AGOT#and we learn exactly what GRRM thinks of the people who 'win' these endless wars of succession#and they are not heroes#they are not celebrated#and they are neither safe nor happy
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Portrait of Madame X (but now Himeko Murata)
#i could never forget the mole#i took an art class once and it was horrible#the teacher kept telling me good job and i was actually begging for help#but youre doing so well already NO!!! NOOOO!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!! HELP!!!! ME!!!! HELP ME!!!!#as you can probably tell from my blog im not very good with colors#let me tell you something else. not only do i struggle with color. im actually afraid. too afraid to try#dawg that teacher...i told her all this and i was like please. just guide me. tell me something. tell me something to practice.#like how do i get used to it? how do i try?#bro said youre good enough already.#so i got irritated and gave up trying to learn in that class#anyways.#himeko murata#himeko#honkai impact 3rd#honkai star rail#it could be either woman#himeko guns girl z#himeko houkai gakuen 2#could be any of the three actually#ive never played flyme2themoon or zombiegal kawaii. i should try to find them and play#i stopped playing hg2 recently bc my [insert language] is so bad it turns out i misunderstood the story so i rage quit#ill be back tho.mama didnt raise no QUITTER
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After-work giggles.
(Meet my characters C and Al (with an L, I love puns), there's gonna be more where this came from)
#*wakes up in a cold sweat* wanna see my OCs#fuck what do I tag this#if you told me that a casual doodle I made the other day would be the first thing I post in my art blog in 2 years#I wouldn't have believed you#well the thingamajig story im putting them in is called Odder Jobs so im gonna tag these two as:#C Odder Jobs#Al Odder Jobs#there are SO many more OCs i gotta show ive been up to some shit these past two years#gonna more formally introduce who these two are later#tldr; niceys robot and grumpy inventor go around doing various wacky jobs around their wild and wacky ass city#my ocs
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got mad about the portrayal of adoption in media again. 10 dead 50 injured
#adoption on tv falls into three catagories.#1: white couple saves minority or disabled child from evil poverty parents#2. adoptive parents either outright stole OR never told baby they are adopted. baby reunites with birth parents and it goes super well#baby now has two loving families or abandons adopted family wholesale for the '''''''real''''' family#3. baby is afopted and obsessed with finding birth family for extremely nebulous reasons. either succeeds and follows path of scenario 2 or#fails and learns that it doesnt matter where you come from only where you are#now. im not daying these dont happen in real life.#but no one ever wants to talk abt the american white adoption infustry's evils when talking abt yhe evils in adoption. espcially with indig#children and imported children/fashionable adoption.#and on the positive side of these stories you never ever see a character just. Be Adopted. And It's Not A Big Deal.#like. as someone who was adopted. and very happy with my family deapite the fact that theyre stupid and conservative. i wouldnt trade them#for the world. because theyre my family. you know? i have no interest in meeting my birth parents betond wanting some medical history#questions answered and to know if i have siblings. and i know its not like that for everyone! but i would just love to see more then the#stupidest shit ever seen. you know.#off the top of my head the only portrayals of adoption that dont make me want to kill myself are like. po from kung fu panda and ruby#sunday from doctor who. that's pretty bad man. and BOTH of them atill fall within the three given catagories. WHATEVERRRRRR#anyway. sorry. induanted with elf ij the christmas season i hate that fucking movie so bad 😭#mi#also to be clear. i dont think its like. a moral failing to like elf#im just a hater. and also its just a yearly and very strong reminder of how fucking irritating j find all this
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i recently brought that story up to my mom and told her how much it ruined my life and she completely forgot she had told me and she was just like lol ... sorry
#the earrings one . SHE WAS SO DETAILED WHEN SHE TOLD ME TOO AND IT WAS LIKE JUST B4 I WENT TO GET MY EARS PIERCED FOR THE FIRST TIME .#im not actually mad its quite funny but also omg sometimes i think abtit and i like fullbody shudder and im glad i dont wear earrings#anymore... even tho i have been wanting to get repierced#ive made a rule that im not allowed to get piercings again until i 1. move out and 2. start being better at taking care of my self#when i had my piercings i was preeeetty good at taking care of them despite everything but still yk. one of my ear piercings is kind of a#mess bc i. well this is kind of narsty so tw for potentially kind of painful story#but like i tried to force an earring into it one time and Well now i have like. the original piercing and then a little branch path LOL.#its more healed now it used to be like. a noticeable lump in my ear for a while#noticeable if u touched it#but ya. idk if its fixable or not Oh well#i dont think i rly am a jewelry guy anyways rly it usually scares me sensory wise#but i kknd of miss having piercings especially my septum ....#im pretty sure i got my septum pierced b4 i got my nose pierced. idr tho#i was craaaazy back then. If u remember my septum piercing story you understand if you dont ughhh im sick of typing . pay more attention in#connorclass (joke)#or just wait until the next time i talk abt my septum i repeat myself all the time
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bro what the fuck are they doing with my package
#fun story#i ordered 3 things from hot topic. they shipped but never arrived so a couple weeks later i messaged them abt it#and went back and forth with them for a while bc their customer service agents cant read apparently#before being told i had to call bc one of the things i ordered went out of stock and i was replacing it w smth more expensive#so i call and im on the phone for like a fucking hour missing the 15 minute window i have to eat between jobs#and being on the phone at work for a while lmao#i finally get it done and the guy fucking forgets my apartment number in the shipping address. it's in the billing address tho??#so i email them AGAIN and im like yo your man forgot my apartment number. they cancel that order and place another#the effect this has is that the $14 payment for the more expensive item is cancelled as well. bc again they don't read#so im like sick i will effectively get these $60 pants for $15 (im very good at sales and also manipulating customer service)#but apparently when they replaced the order they put ny apartment number not in the address‚ but as part of my name?????#so i think its fucking up usps. but it came in 2 packages and 1 has arrived so i still have hope. but thats not the end#yesterday guess who fuckin calls me. its hot topic. my original order arrived to the fuckin store in my local mall#and theyre like i think we fucked up bc we just found this package but it says you picked up your order already. do u want it#and i was like yes? not really sure what package to be expecting and its my ORIGINAL FUCKING ORDER#so once this package arrives i will have gotten 2 of the same shirt‚ 2 kiki sign things‚ a sweater‚ and a pair of pants for $40#and i figure i can return one of the shirts and one of the signs that i have duplicates of for store credit of their full price#so anyway yeah. thats been the past 3 weeks for me.
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I'm already seeing people say that when if Radovid betrays Jaskier, it means that Joey lied to us and that it's disappointing, bad queer rep, queerbaiting, even...
I just really do not agree with this mindset...?
Like, even if the worst happens, it does not negate the fact that Joey has fought tooth and nail for bi Jaskier since season 1, and we got it!
It does not negate the fact that there was a canon queer ship on the show that wasn't just in the background.
It does not negate the fact that we got a new, beautifully sincere layer to Jaskier's character via this relationship.
It does not negate the fact that Jaskier was loved and appreciated. If what we're worried about actually happens, I truly doubt Radovid will end up laughing maniacally and revealing that he only played with Jaskier and had no feelings for him. I think he would rather be bitter and sad about it, like "shit, I've truly started falling for you, and I don't want to hurt you but I have to and I hate that, in another lifetime we could have been something beautiful together" like, even then I believe it's mostly sincere, as in Radovid isn't JUST playing?
Clearly a lot of thought and care went into this story, and into this ship. They could have made it into a joke, could have made it completely subtext, but they didn't, because it's clear that they cared. That, in itself, is beautiful and something that needs to be remembered fondly.
Also, not a big fan of this idea that only happy sunshine and rainbows queer couples should exist in media. I've been here when the bury your gays trope was rampant, when LGBTQ characters were only tokens in the background and just characterized terribly. But things are definitely a lot better now in terms of representation (there's still a lot that needs to be fixed, of course), we have more options to choose from so... Even if a queer couple turns "toxic" (or it just simply doesn't work out), that does not mean the authors clearly hate all of us and wanted to hurt us on purpose. We have a lot of stories to tell, and as long as they're told with respect and care, it's a good thing
#we don't know what happens yet in vol 2#i am actually leaning more towards the expectation that it will end sadly for them one way or another#but that's not something we can know for sure#and even if things turn sour... it's still a well written ship with nice chemistry#also nowhere did joey promise they would have a happy ending? he simply said that that he wanted to make sure queer stories#are told truthfully and that Jaskier's relationship with Radovid would be safe for and would mean a lot to him#so it's obvious that a lot of care went into this and neither of these things are mutually exclusive for me at least#the witcher#the witcher season 3#bambi says some bullshit
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Being queer and closeted is all about hearing a family member refer unknowingly to your partner and sitting there like >:) you’ve fallen into my trap… they’re a household name now >:)
#my partner gets points with my mother bc (in any order really) 1. he cooks 2. he also hates my father 3. really supportive and sweet#bf’s response to a story I told him recently was an immediate ‘what is WRONG with your father’#and when I mentioned this to my mother she was like ‘oh he is RIGHT ON THE MONEY’#followed immediately by her speculating/asking who would be at a get together next week#bc I’m sick and seeing the doctor tomorrow#so she was like ‘well I don’t know who’s gonna be there if it’s people you usually see… because at least if it’s like [names a few friends#oh and [boyfriend] then at least you see them often enough if you end up not feeling well enough to go’#like girl you don’t even know the half of it but also yes#I encourage it be his fan club bc that’s your fucking son in law ok#cape town rambles#I’m being in love on main#Mr. Cape Town makes an appearance
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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wait. i just realized. i might have been asked on a date or something similar a few months ago. and i refused. oh no.
#i don't know if i've told you about this girl i went to school with (well kinda. she's 2 year youngers but we were aware of our existance)#(she was in the school band for starters. and she's in a band still!)#anyways. i don't know if i told you about how she was one of the candidates for the local psoe party for the municipal elections#and how she actually is now a concejala (councellor? what are town hall members called in english?)#well i was interacting with her a lot during the campaign and we talked and stuff#cause i was really proud of her and also. psoe is as left as my town is capable of going so i voted for them and was interested in their#proposals and stuff#anyways she asked me to come to a meeting or to have some drinks a couple of times#i said no to all of them. like a fool#and she sometimes likes my stories (i also like hers but cause i genuinelly like her stuff!!)#i thought she had a partner but. yesterday she showed up on bumbl#e#i panicked a lot and i swiped left (so a 'no')#and now i'm realising what might had happened#i wouldn't be against dating her she's super pretty but i just. never imagined i was like in her league lol#tbh this could all be me conflating things and she never had any romantic intention#we'll never know i guess <3
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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had an insanely good day at work
#logbook#but then the drive there and back was bonkers. nearly hit 2 pedestrians.#and then there was some dude driving like a tiny cement filler or maybe a tractor idk.#other stuff abd ppl. but whew. glad im home safe lol.#anyways todayyy was gooood.#i texted c and we had a lil chat. then i texted the mst supervisor for nnl and offered to talk to her when i come by this week.#to which she greatly agreed. so i hope it goes well. i'll do that thurs i've decided.#and then i texted grc (aka the c*sta rep) and found out hes in town this week. so he asked when im working and said he wants to talk#when i get off work and have a chat 😭 augh. im going to miss working with them. hes coming by hl tmrw.#and THEN i told him he should talk to mst at nnl and told her i said for him to find her if he has time.#so i hope it works out. debating if i text grj too.#ummm what else. ds told me THE funniest but also saddest story abt a previous holiday she had.#yeah idk it was good and then o texted me and my day was kinda ruined. but its NOT her fault. actually mad at mst lol.#im going to bed so i can get up and be at work and im planning to work on my info booklet im making.#gn everybody<3
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so grateful that i managed to restrain myself from properly falling in love with my friend and contained my feelings to a common crush
#she’s just started going out with a guy that i think is really going to last#he’s her friend and i met him quite a few times so i know he’s real sweet and will treat her well and i’m happy about that#i’m actually ecstatic that my feelings for her are shallow because we met up and she talked all about how her date with him went#and i swear she told me he and i are similar like 4 times throughout the conversation#which made me go ouch inside but nothing more#if i liked her more i would have been distraught lmao#and also she told me about when she wasn’t feeling well and he took her to the station and offered to pay the uber that would bring her home#that was really expansive so she wouldn’t take the bus#and she refused and went by bus but told me that was so sweet and that’s when she realized he liked her cause who would do that for her?#and i didn’t say anything but when she started the story i thought she was gonna say that he went in the bus with her to take her home#which is like 1 hour away from our uni cause that’s what i would have done lol#anyway now that she’s got a boyfriend it’s only a matter of time till this crush properly goes away and i can’t wait#i know that the heart chooses what it wants and etc but i think i’m pretty good at nipping my feelings in the bud#like i can’t force them not to exist but when i know that it won’t lead to anything i’m good at stopping myself from fantasizing#or from being overly affectionate and things along those lines#which doesn’t make them go away but hinders their growth#the thing is if i think that i have a chance then i cannot stop myself#and then they grow and grow and grow#and it takes me wayyyy too long to get over it#like it took me 2 years to get over a girl that i did not even date lol#it was really tough for me honestly#and that’s why i’m really careful with my feelings now#i never actually thought i’d have a chance with this friend so that’s why i could keep myself from really falling#anyway i do wish my friend and her bf the best like he’s an actual nice guy and her last bf was definitely not which sucked#and once again i need a tinder account lmao#my post
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how do I tell neurotypicals that I can see the traffic signs better when I’m driving an automatic car instead of a manual one without them thinking I’m crazy
#be careful rant ahead#I took that manual practice car 25 times#I learned how to drive it on the first day#but I just can't concentrate with all this changing gear all the damn time#so I finally switched to automatic#mind you I don't have my license yet I'm practicing#but with the manual one I felt like I was wasting my time because it was not the driving itself that bothered me#it was all the damn stops and reducing gear and whatnot#I just couldn't see the road as clearly for some reason#but yesterday I had my first automatic car practice and oh my god#I could see everything#when I told people I was switching from manual to automatic#you'd think I'd told them I wanted to move to the jungle#in my country they say women can do 2 things at once#yeah well I can't use my 4 limbs at once all the time it just takes up all my concentration#people kept telling me it's like riding a bike no tf it's not!!!#I have car anxiety or whatever why do you think I'm getting my license at 24yo?????#I'm sorry to be a disappointment but I just KNOW that I can't do this#it's like I reached a breaking point of all the expectations other people put on me#yes medschool included but that's a story for another day if y'all want to hear it#it'll mostly be me rambling#...#me
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from what i recall (barely anything) the netflix show ws very stylized but likeee.. not quite the way id like it 2 be if that makes sense
#ik the books r very anachronistic and thats part of the big appeal to me i love that. but i wish th show leaned more into likee.. victorian#aesthetics.. bc ive always imagined it like that#whereas FROM MY MEMORY it ws much more likee. mid1900s... but it has also been a minute#i just think they gotta get sillier with it..#TH THING WITH ASOUE IS ITS NOTTT SILLY. ITS VERY LIKE. GRIM OBVI. BUT IT LOOPS AROUND INTO BEING OUTRAGEOUS...#in a similsr way to pushinbg daisies where the like. very morbkd aspects boost the like. outlandishness of the show and it all works#itis a very hard thing to master n i think its easy to like. lean too hard into one side (either grim or silly) OR like. not mesh them well#so it feels like it judt foips between the two rapidly...#n also likee. th thing wbt th books is i think theyre rly truly best done as books... making a show is difficult bc the ant or narration#and the omnipotence of snicket. makes it hard 2 like. translate...#ik the show has snicket there narrating but idk..#AGAIN i need 2 rewatch b4 i start criticizing...#and also its hard bc i like when adaptations add new stuff bc i dont want it to just bee. the same story told in a diff format#But also for asoue. i do sort of want the same story NFNFJFNFJF bc its saurrr good 2 me...
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