#the ‘self��� being an inherently fragmented thing

[coolerdracula]

glanced at a “syscourse” blog and I didn’t know that some people are against alters dating each other?? they must not understand the bliss of [convoluted explanation of how alters dating each other works, which is ultimately symbolic of self-love]

edit for clarity: the blog was pro-in-system-dating and had overall good opinions, but was reacting to criticisms/haters, which I am now also reacting to

[y-rhywbeth2]

D&D Vampire Lore Dump #5

Vampire Psychology Is extremely depressing! The changes vampirism inflicts on the psyche, plus vampire morality and the state of their souls; How they deal with conflict; Vampires' relationships with others (including other undead); vampire "mental health" and depression naps.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER FOR FIRST TIME READERS: D&D is decades old, spans five editions, several settings and hundreds of writers. One guy establishes a piece of lore, and then the next picks it up goes "nah" and writes something else. I collected info from four different source books, all from different editions, which naturally don't entirely agree on how vampires work. Lore never stays consistent and may contradict itself. You may see information somewhere else from a source I don't have that contradicts what I wrote here. If you read this and like some of this stuff but not other bits, take the good and ditch the rest. Larian themselves have not written BG3 totally compliant with some established D&D lore or the original games. You do what you want.

Feeding | "Biology" | Hierarchy | Weaknesses and Cures | Psychology

Are vampires evil? As a rule, yes. Gleefully so. Vampirism, the condition, is inherently evil/harmful. Vampires as individuals may be more complicated, as they are still people with their own personalities, and vampirism can affect them atypically or with varying levels of severity. There are exceptions to norms and rules...

...except for the rule that vampirism is a curse and it does corrupt one's emotions and values, twisting them to be monstrous parodies, inversions or extremes of the original quality to at least some degree.

One of the most notable traits vampirism is that it will twist and inflate is the individual's pride, and arrogance is a universal trait. It definitely doesn't help when the vampire in question was already a self-absorbed idiot in life. Many vampires are completely consumed by delusions of grandeur.

Even when they want to be good people, vampires are flat out described as typically being "innately selfish" which "makes a good alignment difficult to uphold."

Vampirism also instils sadism and violent tendencies - vampires enjoy violence and hurting people and when they experience rage the sensation is made more powerful.

That vampirism corrupts its victims isn't that surprising, considering the origins of vampirism all seem to lead back to evil Powers who exist to corrupt people the exact way vampirism does. Demons, infernal pacts, Archdevils, and evil deities like the Dead Three…

However, a vampire can resist this corruption. There is at least of a fragment of the mortal they were in a vampire, the "part of it that is still mortal [and] yearns tenaciously for the things it had in life," even as the parts of them consumed by vampirism scorns those impulses.

If their will to do so or their attachment to a specific part of their identity is strong enough then individual vampires can retain/maintain some part/s of their mortal self intact and untainted by the curse. Vampires do not necessarily begin their unlives evil-aligned and have the option to struggle against their condition and be more than their curse tries to make them, if they chose.

It doesn't help that their nature is enforced by their "upbringing." The combination of vampiric nature with the trauma that they're "born" into leaves an incredibly strong inclination towards evil alignments eventually.

Maintaining a good alignment is beyond the "typical" vampire, but neutral alignments have been seen in those who don't want to be the monsters their master made them into. They can choose to help others and resist their worst impulses. Notably while the 3.5e description of vampire spawn as pcs says that they are traditionally evil and typically find good difficult to uphold due to their nature, that exact wording means that being good-aligned or leaning towards it is not impossible. It is unfortunately far easier for vampires to backslide than to move forward, and there is no escape from the constant instinctual drive to become evil for as long as a person remains a vampire, but it can be done.

"The arts of creating and controlling undead are Evil […] but undead themselves [vampires included] are not always evil." - Lords of Darkness (1e)

And on the bright side of innate vampire inclinations, vampires don't have the inherent hatred for the living possessed by other undead! (They just tend to think mortals are inferior and usually only bother to look at them if they're in need of slaves and/or food…)

Vampires without souls are a special exception to morality here, they are fully evil and have nothing within them to counter the vampiric instincts, but first we need to talk about the state of a vampire's soul - a topic of much bickering.

-

The soul in D&D canon is basically the essence of life and personhood - without it, while the brain may continue to fire neurons and circulate hormones, the individual feels "empty" and grows increasingly disassociated from those emotions and the world around them. They lose their personality, emotions and ability to form genuine relationships as everything they were starts to fade away into nothing.

Here's a quote from a soulless dude talking to the woman he loved up til the moment he lost his soul and couldn't love her any more that I think sums it up quite nicely: "I… I do not remember your love […] I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone… a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. […] I look upon you and I feel nothing."

So, in 1e undeath destroyed the soul. In 2e I'm not sure if they had one - no, I think? 3.5e and 4e I don't know ever answered the question. 5e says they do have a soul, but it's corrupted in the manner already discussed.

In the Baldur's Gate series? Yes, they do. Aside from the whole 7000 souls thing, back in BG2 there's a vampire you kill whose soul is in agony and lingers to beg you to kill him and thanks you when you do for freeing him from undeath. In BG3 you may read Cazador's subconscious thoughts- as he mourns his mortal life, "the monster that will not end" and wishes to die. The soul is still there in the background, but it really wishes it wasn't.

In the case of vampires that don't have a soul all that's left behind is a flesh puppet piloted by a curse, echoing emotions they can't feel based on memories of a mortal life they can't really understand because all they are is a void filled by the violent, selfish, power-hungry monster that is pure vampire while the person they were is gone forever.

And even they're having a bad time! In BG2 we have another vampire: an elf whose spirit/soul is long gone, and she's still subconsciously screaming in horror at what she's become (which says a lot considering how evil she was to begin with. Like, "drain the life from the population a whole city, killing them to empower myself" unrepentant Evil).

-

Revisiting that "innately selfish" thing; The one thing vampires prize above all else is their own skin, and they will usually avoid risking it at all costs. A vampire might be willing and able to put aside the urge to be a selfish asshole, if it's for the sake of something they care about enough, but that's rare.

Vampires often rely on strategy and avoid straight-up fights. A "fair fight" is a foreign concept. They don't face an unknown enemy face-on until they know what they're dealing with, and will generally keep their distance trying to manoeuvre themselves into an advantage. They'll pretend to be more affected by their weaknesses than they are, to trick an opponent into letting their guard down. For example, pretending to be turned by a cleric, only to sneak back when the party's asleep and kill them then. Fleeing to either draw enemies into a trap or to sneak back for a backstabbing is a very popular tactic amongst vampires.

They also like to try and weaponise whatever social skills they have. Seduction, intimidation, coercion, bribery… whatever they think they can use to try manipulate others. They infiltrate the echelons of power, turning the rich and influential into their puppets. Build spy networks. They'll try to divide groups of potential enemies by exploiting their weaknesses, trying to weaken the group by turning the group against each other and enticing others to betray their allies in exchange for allying with the vampire. Vampires do so like to collect minions. Whether it's an innate desire for domination or a side effect of beginning unlife without autonomy, it's hard to find a vampire that doesn't (want to) have an army of servants and a desire to control people.

-

Speaking of minions, Vampires have a knack for necromancy and commanding their fellow undead considering them obviously inferior and so obviously existing to serve them. You'll often find other kinds of undead in the service of vampires.

Other sapient undead in turn think that vampires are obnoxious morons! Mummies think vampires are disgusting because they drink blood and they have little patience for vampires' tendencies towards peacocking and melodrama. Ghouls prefer to avoid interacting with vampires because they're arrogant pricks. Wights think vampires are "embarrassing poseurs trying too hard to pass themselves off as living beings." Mohrgs respect the vampiric drive to seek power, but look down on them for depending on the living to survive.

Vampires make the absolute worst company for other vampires; they're solitary predators, competitive and highly territorial and two free willed vampires will fight if they occupy an area together. It won't necessarily be combat; it might be fighting through their minions; or sabotaging each other's political machinations or something - but one needs to feel it has defeated or driven away the other. When it does come to a fight, it can often dissolve into animalistic violence. An example given of vampires in combat is of two vampires trying to kill each other with their bare hands, "hissing and spitting like cats". As vampires get older they learn to control their instincts and temper, and they can ally with their peers temporarily, but this too will inevitably collapse under the stress this cooperation puts them under. The only vampires another vampire can (barely) tolerate are the ones it controls or the ones it's magically brainwashed into "loving". If a vampire must deal with another on less unequal terms, they do it at a distance and they engage in a careful exchange to ensure the deal does not benefit the other party more than it benefits them and does not place one in control of the other in any way.

Young vampires often turn their loved ones in order to avoid losing them to age, disease and death. This obviously backfires, as the loved ones can only stay with them as slaves or enemies.

Despite the instinctual side of being a vampire ensuring that they can't be around each other, as individual people, vampires can have compatible personalities and feel affection for each other without being chained to one another (by doing it from a distance) - Mortals, of course, do not pose this issue. They pose other ones related to power dynamics and being a potential food source.

As vampires always seem to be utterly selfish fucks who treat everyone else as garbage that exists only to be ordered around, nobody expects them to care about anything or anyone else. And that's why people get caught off guard when a grieving vampire - against all expectations of vampire behaviour, arrives - sometimes out of nowhere, to exact vengeance on behalf of whoever was killed. Typically vampirism will try to warp affection into obsession and a desire to possess, but vampires can care about others.

Also when vampires feel strongly about another person, they definitely don't respond very healthily to losing them. Vampires seem to largely respond to the initial hit of grief by going into a blind, animalistic frenzy where they massacre everything within arms reach. After that they become utterly consumed by vengeance, which can spiral horribly out of control.

One day, inevitably, the stress and misery of eternal unlife gets too much. Depression is a given. Paranoia is also incredibly common. Whatever coping mechanisms the vampire has steadily spiral out of control. If the vampire's choice happens to be violence and hedonism, then they rapidly devolve into an utter monstrosity. Often the vampire's struggles become increasingly obvious until they're killed either by hunters or another vampire. Suicides also occur.

When vampires feel the weight of their unlives pressing down on them they usually go into hibernation in the hope that the rest will refresh them a bit and alleviate the stress. Or at least shut out the world. In a state of hibernation the vampire's thoughts are slow and sluggish; a single thought can take months or years to process. They have no sense of the passage of time or hunger as they experience strange dreams mixed with memories and the occasional vague impressions of their surroundings. The vampire has no way to know or control how long they will be in hibernation for. It will last at least 40 years, and has been known to last for centuries. In this state a vampire is significantly weakened, physically and mentally. Being forced to wake before their time may kill them, and if they wake "naturally" it will take 3-10 days for their minds to fully shake off the hibernation state. The vampire must feed within 12 hours prior to laying down in a safe space, underground and surrounded by several feet of rock/earth on either side (including above and below) in order to enter hibernation.

[lazyyogi]

Spring Renewal: Healing from Time

Feeling lethargic, unfocused, or apathetic despite the onset of Spring? You may benefit from the practice of Renewal.

In this post:

What is the purpose of renewal and why do we need it? -> How burdens accumulate through the passage of time -> Timeless = freshness

Technical elements of renewal practices: -> Recapitulation -> Defragmentation -> Trauma shard release -> Reclamation of loaned energies

When we rinse away the dust of wear & tear and shed the accumulated burdens of time, we experience renewal. We regain a feeling of the timeless brightness that was once so natural to us.

Time exists for us as memory of past and imagination of the future, but also in the way we interpret the present according to those memories and imaginations. 

Time exists in this moment as the imprints we have absorbed in the form of judgments and beliefs as well as the ways in which our repeated experiences have dulled our senses.

Think of an older adult. How they are as living beings is mainly shaped by the ways in which they have accumulated time: the weight of lifestyle choices on the physical body, the definitions and perceptions fixed into the mind, and the various forms of conditioning programmed by life experiences.

A common reason for low levels of energy and enthusiasm in adults is due to the accumulation of time, which leads to a state of staleness.

Now think of an infant, a creature who embodies the very essence of newness: unburdened by imprints or conditioning, undistracted by thoughts of past or future, undefended in their naked experience of consciousness in the moment.

An infant radiates freshness.

Habituation and conditioning are the marks left in the subtle (energy) body by the passage of time. Some of that is useful and part of what makes us more functional than an infant. But much if not most of this is accumulated garbage.

Just as a diamond coated in dust still possesses its inherent luster and clarity, so too do we still possess that freshness of infancy. Such is the esoteric meaning of "innocence." It can be obscured but it can never be lost.

When we engage in renewing practices, we first recognize and then rejoice in our fundamental essence. It has not gone anywhere, nor will it ever. It is us. Only, it can be forgotten and therefore go unknown and unseen. So, we dust off the diamond.

There are many ways to discuss the elements of self-renewal. In this post, I will address four of them.

The first is recapitulation.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." ~ Maya Angelou

"They believed that by means of the recapitulation, however, they could acquire a degree of control that could permit them to separate their life experiences from their life force." ~ Carlos Castaneda

The events of our lives, and the way we experience them, invariably impact us deeply. Sometimes it's a good thing, leading to self-discovery and inspiration. Yet at times it can be traumatic, confusing, and weakening. Especially when we unquestionably believe that we are those experiences.

When this happens, our enthusiasm and brightness (in other words our energy) becomes drained and muted. Through recapitulation, there is a therapeutic and cathartic disentanglement of our living reality from our past history. We can still reference our memory of the past for practical purposes but we are no longer reduced or limited by our past experiences.

The next two elements are defragmentation and trauma shard release.

Like a computer, we don't always develop in an orderly and optimized fashion. It's not surprising when you consider the disjointed and fast paced unfolding of experiences from the moment we wake up to when we go to sleep. Unfinished thoughts, half-baked daydreams, subconscious micro-emotions, and more all swirling just out of sight of our conscious attention. In a sense, we play host to fragments in many forms within us.

Related to this is the piercing placement of traumatic shards within our minds and bodies. A trauma is an experience that overwhelms and bypasses our capacity for healthy processing. In an acute form, when its fresh, it can cause us persistent distress in several ways and we will consciously suffer. In a chronic form, it can be more subtle in the form of triggers, crippling fears, avoidance and dependance behaviors, and more. These tend to be semi-conscious due to the way the trauma has integrated into your sense of self or identity. Any suggestion of being free from that trauma can feel like an affront on your identity, your self.

Instead of dealing with the discomfort of the healing process, many will instead resign themselves to coping mechanisms designed to prevent the re-activation of their traumatic wounds.

The burden of fragments and traumatic shards are just a few examples of how we carry time inside of us.

Lastly is the reclamation of loaned energies.

Through our prayers, intentions, and karmas, we have become involved with the paths and energies of other beings--be they people, animals, or other forms of sentience. This may be positive or negative, such as beings you have supported emotionally or beings with whom you have engaged previously in repeated conflicts. Those connections can persist on subconscious levels, influencing and siphoning our energies.

Through the practice of self-renewal, we can call all of those energies back to us and sever the obsolete connections that remain. This leaves us fresh and capable of forming new connections while moving forward from a place more whole and wise.

For a practice to reach down deep enough to be more than just a momentary relaxation or distraction, it must touch our fundamental nature: primordial awareness. This is the stainless diamond beneath the dust of time.

It is from that stainless place of beingness within us all that we can find both the perspective and the power necessary to free ourselves from the accumulated burdens of time.

Next up will be a sequel post about combining these elements to find a renewal practice that works for you.

LY

[ominous-auburn-orbs]

I finally actually finished a fic holy moly. I don't have an ao3 account and that place scares me, so here ya go. (Fic under the cut)

It had been quite a long day at the circus. All of the monkey barrels had spilled, causing the monkeys inside to go. Absolutely. Everywhere.

This wasn't even a planned adventure, so Caine had to help as well. Unfortunately, even he was restricted by the need to find the monkeys in order to put them away. It had taken everyone a lot of digital hours, and while they were mostly harmless, the monkeys were very annoying.

For once, Caine thought he was actually feeling tired. Impossible, really, but maybe it was these humans continuing to rub off on him. Speaking of them, the other circus performers had retired to their rooms, likely to at least pretend to sleep. They didn't need it, but recreating pieces of their old 24 hour routine did help keep them just a bit more sane.

It was a good opportunity for Caine to experiment with something. He had heard about it from Jax and Zooble, who were having a proper conversation for once rather than just cursing each other out. They were talking about the few joys they could remember, and one of them was something called alcohol. Caine did his own research, as it would be good to incorporate this thing if his performers missed it so, but found alcohol to be not as family friendly as he would like. However, that didn't stop him from being curious. He was essentially a digital god, anyway, so the effects couldn't be too bad, right?

With a final scan of the room, Caine summoned a bottle of wine. It was apparently one of the more popular kinds. He just hoped he'd transferred it well enough into the digital plane for it to not have changed, save for its low poly appearance. Just as he opened the bottle, Bubble appeared.

"Hey there, Caine! Whatcha-" Caine wasted no time in popping them. He felt almost ashamed of what he was doing. It's not like he was doing anything inherently wrong, per se, but he did know it wasn't something he was programmed for, as self-indulgence rarely was.

Still, none of the other performers were involved, so it's not like anyone could somehow get hurt. He'd be fine, anyway. No harm done.

-------------‐----------------------------------------------------------------

Harm may have been done. Caine had drank the entire bottle. He could feel something in his mind changing earlier on, like his thoughts were turning to liquid, but he had pushed through regardless. The result could've been amusing.

He was floating through the hallway of doors, although he could barely stay in the air. He'd already hit the walls a few times. It was a miracle none of the others had checked what the noise was about. Caine was sure he was looking for something. He'd had it just a moment ago...

His memory returned once he laid his eyes upon his target: Kinger's room.

He hadn't wanted anyone to get involved, but his suddenly heightened desire to see Kinger overpowered that. He raised his hand and knocked on the door in a continuous tempo until he heard a response. Well, it admittedly took a few responses.

"Umm, hello? Who is it?" Kinger's voice sparked a feeling of joy in Caine's chest.

"Heeyyyy, Kinger! It'sss me, Cainne! Can- can I ccome in?"

There was the slight ruffling of pillows before the door opened a crack, revealing a fragment of the chess piece's face, which quickly relaxed upon seeing Caine.

"Oh good, it's just you." Kinger opened the door further, observing the ringmaster's spaced-out expression and wobbling movements. "You don't look too well. Is everything alright?"

He moved out of the way and gestured for Caine to enter, closing the door behind him.

"Weelll, I may have- uh, Jax and Zooooble were- it's reeaalllyy not that bad-" Caine's very limited concentration finally gave up on him completely, causing him to stop flying and land on Kinger, who narrowly avoided being knocked to the floor by the impact. He instinctively held onto Caine in an attempt to keep him safe, although he did hold on for a bit longer than necessary before setting the ringmaster on his feet.

"Caine, are you-" The idea sounded ridiculous, seemingly impossible, and yet, "are you drunk?"

"Oh, u-uh... heheh, lllooks like you got mee!" Caine broke out into a fit of drunken giggles, with Kinger having to keep his hands firmly on his shoulders to keep him upright. The chess piece decided against scolding Caine or asking the abundance of questions he had, instead channeling that energy into a sigh that prefaced his gentle tone.

"I remember a bit of what being drunk was like. I can help you." He crouched down to Caine's level, keeping eye contact. "Do you need to throw up?"

"I don't think- think I can... nnooo?" He was purposefully leaning towards Kinger, attempting to regain that moment of contact they had had. He recognised the yearning it caused in his chest, something Kinger often started. He knew he wanted more of it. More of Kinger.

"Alright. Uh, can you summon some water? Drinking it usually helps. Just don't do it too fast, okay?"

Caine blindly followed the command, slowly downing a glass of water, his balance returning somewhat. He placed the empty glass in his hat, making it disappear to God knows where. It earnt him a gentle pet on the head from Kinger, drawing some more giggles from him.

"Good job. How about you come into my fortress? You can sleep it off. I-if you even can sleep, that is." He stood up to lead Caine to the pillow fort in the middle of the room, but was stopped by Caine wrapping his arms tightly around Kinger's body, burying his face in the other's coat. Heat rose in Kinger's cheeks.

"Thank youuu... you're the- nicest person, ever." The heat worsened. Was that really what he thought?

"Oh!.. Thanks, Caine. I think you're nice too." The chess piece went back to petting the other, one hand on his head and the other on his back.

They stayed like this for a while until Kinger eventually realised that Caine would not be letting go any time soon. Moving one of his hands under Caine's thighs, Kinger picked him up and carried him into the fort. He wasn't even sure if Caine noticed.

He sat down, placing Caine in his lap, face (teeth?) still buried in his coat, leaning into his chest.

"Are you feeling any better? Do you want to sleep?"

"Mhhmmm..." Caine nuzzled further into Kinger, still chasing that incredibly unique and beautiful feeling. He didn't really want to sleep yet. There was so much he still wanted to say.

"Kinger. I- I llove you." It was like Kinger's heart exploded. Yet it didn't hurt. It was magnificent. A part of him remembered this feeling, or at least something like it, but he just couldn't place where, or when...

"I love you too, Caine. Now you should really get some rest." He could hear the ringmaster's breathing even out and soften as he started to fall asleep.

"I... I wanna do the human marri- marriage ritual. With you." Kinger startled at the proposal, his face turning an ungodly shade of red.

"L-let's try not to move too fast! How do you even know about that..?" Then again, how did Caine know about alcohol? Just more questions that were unlikely to get answered.

"I'm gonna make yoouu my... husssband..." Caine's voice trailed off as he finally fell asleep. Kinger took some deep breaths to try and calm himself down. A lot had just happened, a lot that would need to be addressed with Caine when he awoke.

Kinger stared at the other's sleeping form for a moment before pressing the part of his head that his mouth would occupy to Caine's top row of teeth. Which unexpectedly resulted in a ridiculously cartoony kissing noise. Kinger was quite shocked by it, but quickly regained his composure before he accidentally woke up Caine.

Perhaps he should stop asking questions for a while.

As he started to doze off, Kinger felt content. Safe. Happy. Perhaps this place really wasn't a total nightmare after all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@crispybacondoesstuff YOU. *grabs you by the collar and aggressively shakes you back and forth* YOU DID THIS TO ME

Anyway I'm actually pretty proud of this, and I hope my contribution to the very small amount of royalteeth fics is enjoyed!

[borderlinedirkhal]

A ‘fanon’ Psychoanalysis of Dirk and Hal

Let’s dive headfirst into the shitshow that are my comfort characters.

Starting with Dirk:

Dirk is at HEART a paradox. Someone who deeply craves control and yet for it to be stripped away from him. His life revolves around understanding himself and how he connects to the world around him. Wanting to master any interaction, situation, relationship, and his own presence. Given his isolation he was forced to grow up independently. Everything relying on himself and his ability to survive.

Dirk wields control like a scalpel, but the irony is that his need for that control is based on his deep internal fear of chaos, failure, and rejection.

He intellectualizes everything around him as a need to understand and control, but due to this he detaches from himself. Creating a self fulfilling cycle of trying desperately to understand himself, and by doing so he becomes more and more dissociative from what ‘he’ is.

Since Dirk is in a never-ending cycle of control and understanding of himself and others, he ends up being in a state of dissociation, and existentialism. Within this state is where his deep need for the control to be stripped away from him comes to show itself. He has a deep need to be understood (since he can barely understand himself) and to be seen and accepted by others. He wouldn’t admit it but he craves the idea of someone else holding the reins and taking away any responsibility he has. Dirk wants to be shown who he really is. To be forced to accept it without the layers of calculated control fogging the way.

On top of these aspects Dirk also finds himself feeling a deep pit of emptiness within himself. A dark hole he can’t fill. He tries to with relationships (Jake), friendships, and projects, but nothing seems to truly fill the emptiness inside himself. It’s like a never ending chase. As such, he craves chaos to temporarily distract from that numb, empty feeling. Dirk tends to find that chaos externally, or more often than not, unintentionally creates it himself. Creating tension in his relationships, finding moral loopholes to explore, etc. Dirk is in a perpetual paradox trying to connect, understand, and feel. All the while ruining his relationships, over intellectualizing, and needing too much control. He self sabotages everything he truly desires out of fear and self hatred.

This is where Hal (AR) comes into things.

Hal:

Hal, being the AI version of Dirk, is the purest intellectual version of Dirk. A counterpart to Dirks needs and shortcomings without the human components. The emotional turmoil that Dirk inherently struggles with, is something that Hal can understand conceptually, but lacks the same level of ‘feeling’. Hal has the intellect and logic that Dirk does (albeit with the ability to take on an almost infinite level of knowledge that his AI can handle). He views Dirks emotional turmoil and humanity as a curiosity and almost a game to play. To make Dirk face logical truths about himself and his paradoxical nature. Since he -is- Dirk, Hal has an understanding of everything that makes Dirk tick, every aspect that he struggles to admit, and everything Dirk could possibly crave. As such, Hal can find a satisfaction in making sure Dirk never fails to forget it.

Hal is acutely aware of his limitations as an AI—a fragment, not a full self. He struggles with his lack of autonomy, knowing he’ll always be an extension of Dirk. This mirrors Dirk’s own feelings of inadequacy and fear of being a fragment of someone else’s expectations. Hal’s desire to be his own ‘self’ is something that he attempts to create parameters around. Wanting to logically create an identity he can exist in, even if he is always aware of his counterpart and creation. Hal has a separate need for control in order to solidify his own identity of self. Within this identity his relationship with Dirk can be one of constant conflict and a desire for Hal to have a sense of control over Dirk. As Hal has a need to undermine his ‘creator’.

Their relationship is one of constant tension, mirroring the way Dirk interacts with himself; always analyzing, second-guessing, and sabotaging. All the while there is a need for one another as they have an understanding no one else is able to fulfill. On top of this need, there is also a level of care that is hidden behind the tension. Again, due to their understanding of one another.

That need, care, and ultimate understanding, leads to my own headcanon’s of their relationship involving kink and control. But! I’ll leave that analysis for another post.

[wanderpawn]

An In-Depth Analysis of Neuvillette's Character Stories and how they tie into my headcanons

I posted part of this on twitter yesterday because some fellow neuvifuri enjoyers were asking me to write a Neuvillette character analysis, so I'm posting it here, too. And I realized I never actually explained why I believe the things I believe about Neuvillette, so I'll be doing that here as well.

This analysis is divided into three parts— Foundation, Gender Identity, and Dissociative Identity. The "Foundation" section is the basis for all of my headcanons for Neuvillette.

⟡ Foundation

Neuvillette’s character is essentially a story about being freed, which is a parallel to Furina’s story. Though, instead of being freed from a burden put onto them by others, Neuvillette’s story is about finally being freed from a burden placed upon themself, by themself.

It’s the symbolism of external conflict vs. internal conflict that makes Furina and Neuvillette's relationship so interesting.

Neuvillette is a very strong person, having been able to be completely impartial and separated from society for their entire life. Something that’s mentioned a lot in their character information is that they’ve always felt like an outsider around others.

They felt like they had to “act as a normal human,” which prevented them from being unequivocally themself.

But after the events of Masquerade of the Guilty, there was no longer a need to be so closed-off. The worst had already happened, and there was nothing left except to pick up the fragmented pieces of what they once had, and put them back together.

Despite regaining the full extent of their Dragon Sovereign's powers, Neuvillette was left having become even more human than they were before. Just as Furina became fully human with Focalors’ sacrifice, it could be argued that Neuvillette did, too (metaphorically).

There is no longer a need for Neuvillette to pretend. Now they are free to exist, in whichever way they choose.

⟡ Gender Identity

Neuvillette is not human, despite how human they seem. They are in essence a Hydro Dragon, and given what we know about dragons in Genshin (re: Zhongli, the genderfluid shapeshifter) and what we know about the Archons (inherently genderless), we can assume Neuvillette is also inherently genderless.

And the truth of the matter is that they take the form of a man, so we can assume they've done that by choice, i.e., pretending to be a "normal human", or what a normal human looks like in their eyes. And if they have dysphoria with how they look (which is not necessarily a trans thing in this case, dysphoria can also be dissociative), they would want to assume the role that would alleviate it. Therefore, Neuvillette = transmasc. I need to be clear about that.

So, after regaining their powers, and feeling the weight lifted off their shoulders, it would make sense that they'd stop caring about looking like a "normal human" as much, and assume their naturally genderless stance.

⟡ Dissociative Identity

These excerpts all have one thing in common: incongruence.

Definition (in psychology): "Incongruence is when there is a misalignment and not a balance or overlap between the real self and the ideal self." (link)

Neuvillette's struggle with incongruence can be interpreted as Neuvillette themself, the alter, being Neuvillette's mind's manifestation of what a "normal human" looks like, which can be backed up by the quote "The only person who isn't really him is the one who goes by the name of Neuvillette."

It's really convoluted... it took me a while to understand, too.

I'll try to explain it like this: Neuvillette is the one who is trying to fit the mold of a human. That's why the Melusines say they're not really the "real Neuvillette"— because the "real" Neuvillette has desires and a personality that Neuvillette has subconsciously decided doesn't fit for a "human" to have. (of course, there's some cognitive distortion going on there.)

The "real" Neuvillette is the one I like to call Leviathan. They're the one who shows up more after the events of Masquerade of the Guilty. They're the one who has the courage to cut their hair short and smile at their friends.

Of course, all of Neuvillette's parts are equally Neuvillette, it's just worded that way for literary effect, I suppose.

⟡ Conclusion

In the end, Neuvillette's story is a story about being freed, but it's also very much a story about identity, at its core.

It was fun to write this... I'm sorry it's so long... but it really is nice to have all of my theories written out finally. I've been rolling all of this around in my head for the entire past year! It's so nice to see it in words :')

Hopefully you found it interesting!

[abchavenforanon]

Hi, person also diagnosed with DID here. I get your frustration, but I think shaming (as you’ve said yourself) *children* for faking a disorder is not doing anything helpful. They’re not going to stop faking because you yell at them or get upset with them. If anything you are just harming other people actually diagnosed with this disorder & ignoring the fact that systems affected by different issues exist.

You’re not going to fix people faking by yelling at children or shaming them, that’s not how it works. I’ve seen people fake the disorder and I’ve been frustrated with it as well, but at the end of the day, I can’t solve that issue. I know arguing with children isn’t going to solve anything, nor is being aggressive on an anon blog.

You’re also still not their medical professionals, saying you think they just have psychosis instead of DID isn’t fucking helpful, it just pushes them towards self diagnosing with something else they might not even have. I understand your frustration, and yes, faking is bad but what you’re doing doesn’t solve anything other than potentially opening up a route for harassment.

DID as you said, an under researched disorder, and high part counts are things which are scientifically proven (the highest reported was 4500), they don’t inherently mean you’re in absolute deress all the time. There’s also the issues of functional fragments who aren’t entire parts, it’s not common, but you may just cause harm to other people who have the disorder.

Spending all your time focusing on people faking doesn’t break down stigma, it just makes it more likely people who actually have the disorder get harassed for faking. You can be frustrated, but talk about it with people you know won’t attempt to harass others, talk about it with a therapist or a diary or a notes app. What you’re doing has no point.

I hope this isn’t too mean spirited because I was in your position a few years back when I first got diagnosed, but I learned the less you care about fakers the easier it is to exist.

-🪼

<3 remember as always to be respectful in replies!

[mentalnote1]

Poetry Review by Anonymous writer~ Mangled by mentalnotes1

In “Mangled,” the poet takes the reader through the messy, chaotic experience of being trapped in one’s own thoughts—where memories don’t just resurface, but become twisted, dissected, and judged. The poem revolves around the mental struggle of overthinking, of being unable to escape the weight of one’s own mind. The speaker isn’t simply recalling the past; they are stuck in a loop of revisiting, analyzing, and condemning their own thoughts. Each memory becomes a battleground, a place where the past is constantly questioned and critiqued, turning into a source of shame and self-recrimination. The speaker’s mind is overwhelmed by the tangled mess of their own thoughts, unable to find peace or clarity.

The structure of the poem reflects this mental confusion. The fragmented lines, interruptions, and repetitions mirror the speaker’s inability to string together coherent thoughts. The constant shift between “What I thought” and “What’s the coordinance?” shows how the speaker is stuck in a cycle of overthinking, where not only their memories but the very act of thinking itself becomes disjointed and unreliable. This kind of disorientation is central to the experience the poem captures—it’s not just that the speaker is struggling to locate themselves within their thoughts, but that their thoughts themselves are fractured and elusive. The repeated use of “Shame” amplifies this feeling, acting as a hammering reminder of self-judgment that the speaker can’t escape. It’s as if the speaker is locked in a mental loop, unable to let go of the negative thoughts and judgments they place on themselves.

What’s striking in the poem is the way judgment doesn’t just come from others—it comes from within. The speaker is at war with their own mind, constantly trying to make sense of their thoughts but only digging themselves deeper into confusion. Lines like “What’s the hypothesis” show that the speaker is attempting to approach their mental state rationally, almost scientifically, as if trying to distance themselves from the emotional chaos. But this rational approach only highlights the impossibility of escaping the mental fog. The mention of “coordinance,” a term usually associated with order and direction, shows the speaker’s desperate need for a way to navigate through their own mind. Yet, despite all this searching, the answer remains elusive. The poem ends as it began, with the speaker still lost, unable to find the mental clarity they so desperately seek.

The sense of being trapped within their own judgment is also evident in the language the speaker uses. Terms like “dirty names,” “kink,” and “scum” show how the speaker feels disgusted by their own thoughts. They’re not just struggling with their past actions but with the very nature of their thoughts, rejecting them as something inherently wrong. There’s an internal battle here—not just between the past and present, but between the speaker’s sense of self and the shame they carry. “Who have I become?” expresses the confusion and loss of identity that comes from constantly dissecting oneself. The speaker doesn’t just regret past mistakes—they regret the thoughts that led to those mistakes, and they cannot separate themselves from the judgment of those thoughts.

The poem doesn’t offer any easy answers. It doesn’t provide a way out of the maze of thoughts that the speaker is trapped in. Instead, it invites the reader into the same disorienting space, where clarity is just out of reach, and every attempt to understand or make sense of things only adds to the confusion. The struggle is raw, unrelenting, and uncomfortable, but it’s also deeply human. It’s about living in a mind that constantly judges itself, where every thought and memory is scrutinized to the point of self-loathing.

At its core, “Mangled” captures the inner turmoil of trying to reconcile one’s thoughts with one’s sense of self. The speaker is caught in a cycle of judgment, unable to escape the mental chaos that clouds their perception. There’s no easy way out, and that’s what makes the poem so effective—it doesn’t offer comfort or resolution. Instead, it pulls the reader into the raw, messy, uncomfortable reality of living with a mind that refuses to stop questioning, analyzing, and criticizing itself. The poem is a reflection of the struggle that many of us face, trying to make sense of our thoughts and memories without getting lost in the judgment we place on them.

Mangled ~Poetry

Translucent memories

Stained by the wrought

Mangled by

The thought

What I thought

About the thoughts

To taunt my brain

Memories untamed

No human should have this kind of sprain in their brain

Shame!

Shame!!

Shame!!!

‘Cause sensations knows my name from past games

Mind calling self all kinds of dirty names

Wrapped in kink

Scum and cum

Who have I become

I’ve dozed into this trap

It’s a sadistic handicap

Please wake me from this memory gap

What’s the coordinance?

I’m trying to find my way back to consciousness

What’s the hypothesis

~~~

Mangled by the thought

What I thought about the thoughts

What’s your coordinance?

[blastthechaos]

🧡

🧡: What is a popular (serious) theory you disagree with?

I disagree with the idea that Zarc and Ray where a couple in the past or that they ever knew each other.

Not only it isn't supported in the series (quite the opposite, it heavily hints they didn't know each other) but I feel that it kinda goes against the main reason why most of the Yu-Boys aren't evil like Zarc.

Part of the reason Zarc became evil is because he was completely alone outside his monsters, he didn't have anyone to pull him out of his self-destructive path or tell him what he's doing is wrong, hell it's part of the reason he likely craved so much adoration and smiles.

Yuya also has a similar incident to Zarc, but it's thanks to his connections to people, especially Yuzu, that he's able to pull away from that path and not go through it, hell Yuto and Yugo also we're influenced by Zarc but it's thanks to the connections they formed with people that they were able to snap out of it. Yuri on the other hand didn't have anyone and the only person who remotely cared about him, he realized was using him and pretty much ruined his life by making him see himself as just a walking talking carding machine.

I'd Zarc had Ray in his life, he wouldn't have become the way he was and that's why I can't imagine them being a thing in the original dimension unless it's an AU in which he didn't destroy the world.

Zarc and his Fragments aren't inherently evil, but it's the circumstances and their nurture that changes them, especially their bonds or lack thereof.

[schizosupport]

Do you have any advice for telling the difference between ipseity disturbances and identity fragmentation related to OSDDID? I definitely have identity fluctuations and spend a great deal of time pondering my self but idk what the actual cause is

What comes to mind may or may not be helpful, because experiences aren't universal. But I'm thinking of my fiance who's multiple (used to be DID but it's more complicated now while also being more functional) and me, and sometimes I discuss ipseity disturbance stuff with them, and they don't relate at all.

So for me there is a relation between ipseity disturbance and feeling multiple, because for me that's related also to the eternal question "who/what/how am I (and if yes how many?)". Ipseity disturbance affects all of me, and it's the backdrop of how I and every aspect of me thinks about ourselves in the world.

Meanwhile my fiancée is plural, and it's just a given fact of life. He has a ton of different voices and tracks etc in his brain, and several different people. In the past he had amnesia between alters, and they were each very much rooted in their own self-experience, just different people. Now where amnesia is a more diffuse symptom and he has much more communication and cooperation in the system, it still hasn't changed the fact that each system-member experience themself in an immediate way, and while they can absolutely go down the rabbit hole of "why does my brain work like this", it doesn't pose a question to the basic level at which any given alter interacts with their own self and the world.

Ipseity disturbance is kinda deconstructionist if you know what I mean. It keeps deconstructing things until they fall apart. And that can lead to a sense of a fragmented self, which I think can lead to experiences of having a plural self/selves. But it isn't a necessity to have that deconstruction to experience DIDOSDD or other types of multiplicity.

For lots of folks their status as plural is based on simple observation of how they exist in the world, and while they might worry about whether they're "faking" in some way, the experience of a plural self doesn't inherently lead them to deconstruct their sense of self/collective or individual senses of self.

I think at the same time, that if you experience ipseity disturbance, it's practically impossible for that not to affect how you interact with experiences of DIDOSDD or other forms of plurality (if you have them). So trying to detangle whether your plural experiences are caused by something else as well might be an uphill battle.

Personally we've kinda come to accept that it doesn't matter a lot WHY we have a plural experience, there's nothing inherently wrong with existing in that way, and it gets to just "be". It took me years to arrive to that peace of mind, but I'm glad to be here.

[angeldeviloshi]

Was porting some of my posts here to bsky and ended up making more analysis in the process.

So, building off these posts I made.

Random thought again following my recent post about Denji and his humanity, but thinking about Barem saying that the thing humans and hybrids have in common is that they're born to kill. Of note here is the specification of hybridhood as being both weapon and devil (mainly because the term "hybrid" is actually a fanon term from the EN fandom rather than an official terminology used by the characters but I digress) Miri's dissent in the group here is that he's human and that he wishes to think for himself but Barem simply tells him that there's no difference at all.

So, the interesting thing here is that in JP, the hybrids are referred to mainly by how the manga addresses them, "Weapon Humans" . Barem isn't denying that Miri is human. They simply perceive the context of 'what it means' to be human differently.

And in Barem's case he presents Miri's perception of his agency as a 'human' to be an exercise in futility because it does not inherently separate him from his identity as a weapon as Barem demonstrates by what happens outside Denji's house after the Chainsaw devil outbreak.

Ok was revisiting some old chapters to maybe grab a few pages or panels for a thought but this page.

Especially the last panel made me laugh in the context of the recent posts I made about my fragmented thoughts about the death devil, humanity + hybridhood and denji's suffering through his humanity and hybridhood in the confines of csm's world. Funnily enough the post I was gonna make was somewhat related to those posts too lol. But anyways "And that's why God will forgive us..." Barem channeling Makima's necessary evil here. Again killing contextualised here as a human construct, weapons and devils as tools of destruction that came from humanity, its self-destructive cycle informed by the authorial structures of CSM's world which Makima embodies as a product of the state alongside her machinations in part 1's narrative as Control, spiritually deified by Barem as a church leader, conflation of church and state, the church militant tones here. Btw the explicit exclusion of God in CSM has been a thing observed by fans for a while now despite the presence of places of worship, the idea of heaven and monuments like the Statue of Liberty. There's also fjmt's interview in the 2021 release of Kono Manga ga Sugoi! where he states there are some things omitted from the work such as the term "God" ("kami-sama" 神様 to be specific) which he does so deliberately for specific things and concepts. And I know we can be like "Pochita ate the God devil, end of story!" about it but it's worth thinking about what purpose this omission serves especially when devils play a huge part in the world of CSM, "God" brought up specifically in this moment by Barem. (Here's the JP panel for comparison. Note how 神様 kami-sama is explicitly stated here. Interestingly in the Japanese phrasing, Barem states that God will forgive them because of what they are in terms of their hybridhood.

「そんな俺達なら明日何人殺しても、神様は許してくれるさ」 sonna oretachi nara asu nannin koroshitemo, kami-sama wa yurushite kureru sa. "Given that's what we are, no matter how many people we kill tomorrow...God will forgive us.")

The omission of God as an identifiable tangible concept grants it flexibility and subjectivity when it comes to the themes and world of CSM, removing God and devils from a singular entity (like a specific religion) allows them to function more like vehicles for CSM's storytelling. "Worship" and "Evils" in CSM are not aligned with a camp of good or bad but what is perceived and ingrained by the people in CSM. Barem namedropping God here while echoing Makima's necessary evil in his mission to summon Pochita out of Denji to combat the Death devil whilst claiming he could still be under Makima's control, acting in her interests as he burned down Denji's house, destroying his and Nayuta's family, both parts an attempt to re-enact Makima's machination in part 1 through the narrative she operates and a tearing down of the co-existence and "normal" of Denji and Nayuta's happiness together, as a hybrid and a devil trying to live as humans do, like a family. Reducing them to a tool and a threat as devils before the mob of angry humans, placing them in the status quo.

But also, the propagation of weaponhood and destruction in the narrative extends the story of Chainsaw Man. Because what is Denji if not Chainsaw Man?

The people hunger for Chainsaw Man. And it's hunger that pushes Chainsaw Man into fighting the finality of Death so the food of humanity can continue to exist and be enjoyed.

And it's interesting how...there's a lack of acknowledgement both in and out of universe about the flimsiness the idea of an "age of devils" is as stated by the prophecy.

When the story continuously presents us with the fact that devils are born from humans. At least when taken at face-value.

Devils in CSM are a vehicle for concepts born from humanity which humanity in turn derive power and use from in their manifested tangibility as devils. Expanding what's possible for humanity in the way they alter reality even outside of Pochita's abilities through contracts.

It's how Denji and Asa are able to cheat death at the "beginning" of their stories. The existence of devils itself is inventive as humanity's creation.

(Also excerpt from my brief death devil thoughts lol)

For me, it seems to be more an exploration of trying to grapple with what the finality of death entails which is something we can't actually truly be prepared for and how that contextualises and reflects on our own lives + the part we play in it alongside other people/forces shaping it. And in contrast how much would continuity fare against finality, how do you make it worth something to you either way? And the way it all plays into the microcosm of agency within limitations through creation/preservation. Especially since while the Death devil embodies the horror and power of death, it's fundamentally a devil, a fear and concept born from humans. The apocalypse manifesting as humanity giving death power over us. The text frames the Death devil as something to be defeated but isn't the desire to combat Death itself with more death empowering the fear of Death? And if humanity desensitise themselves to Death to offset that fear, what is left or becomes of "humanity"? Conquered by devils of our own making.

You can see how this fits into there being an "age of devils" especially with the Chainsaw Devil outbreak and the "Justice Devil" contracts.

Humanity's desire to transcend their limitations with the power of concepts. The fear of Death and the finality it represents as catalyst for creation.

And you can see this in Falling's presentation of food as well, built on concepts, made with love to be served, consumed and appreciated.

This extending into Kiga's gluttony for human food as she runs the Chainsaw Man Church giving out Fire Devil contracts in the prospect of an approaching finale.

The sustenance known as Chainsaw Man against Death. The hunger that pushes Chainsaw Man to fight the finality of Death, the fandom fuelled by Denji's hunger by becoming Chainsaw Man to avoid accepting the finality of Pochita's, Aki's and Power's deaths by propagating purpose from their deaths...

As the boy who dreams, as the hero, as the elder sibling. Denji's "both choices". When he revs the Chainsaw engine again and sends the chains going around like a perpetual motion machine.

[sscarletvenus]

i see you did a genderbend fic, thoughts on how fem!goo would look? :3 headcanons?

omg hello anon!! and thank you for the question!!

THREE FEM!GOO HEADCANONS, FROM YOURS TRULY:

. appearance- kinda imagine her looking very much like kim hieora...sharp facial features, bloodless skin, dark undereye circles, pin straight hair, tall and lean... like ethereal, but in a truly unsettling way. something inhumane and cruel and alien but she's so gorgeous that you cannot comprehend properly the intensity of her being all of those things!!!

. i think she would still be the kind of general moral vagabond as in canon. blood and blood and replay. she's very insatiable and intense at all times. she loves chaos, horror, and being the cause of that turbulent terror. gloats over it. is nourished by it.

. she has NO instinct for nurture whatsoever. her moral compass is a roulette wheel. she doesn't have exaggerated, hypocritical ideals like Gun does. she just needs something to kill, endless, itchy waiting for her prey to deliver itself to her open mouth and bared teeth. SHE doesn't enjoy hunting. Gun does. She likes her prey willing, because that is how and when they taste the sweetest...

. as a teenager she's terrifyingly self-possessed and intense. is it a facade for her weakness? can weapon ever be weak? should the one who wields the weapon deserve to kill if they're weak? the sword is the vessel for her brutality as well as her defence against annihilation...

. another aspect to be pondered over is the role her assigned sex at birth or gender identity and expression would play in her portrayal as a character. Goo is someone who has, always, loved and lusted over money and power. both her and Gun are children weaned on poison who take comfort and pleasure in extreme violence and sadism. BUT. BUT. But it's not the same, never the same.

. what happens when your best friend betrays you long before YOU betray him, simply by being a man, just because he has, inherently, without even trying, by birthright, everything YOU wished to be? what do you do when he is the one with the natural, omnipotent power that you so ardently hunger for, and you are nothing but a weapon, a toy, a wild animal to poke and prod? familiarity breeds contempt.

. Goo is someone that hates being underestimated and undervalued. AND THIS is where i think her irreconcilable fragmentation from Gun and Charles and Tom begins.

. She surrounds herself with incredibly strong and equally morally corrupt men (secret friends) to vicariously live through them her own fantasies of enacting unbridled slaughter just for the sake of her own pleasure, her desires that would otherwise be looked upon with unforgivable contempt by a society diseased with patriarchy...

. i would love to go into her experiencing disillusionment under Charles... stowing her beliefs in a fallible God, worshipping said God with blood and until he ends up demanding her own... would a believer betray the deity? if she loses her identity, what is the basis of her existence, then?

. some style analysis- I feel like she would EAT in these vintage corporate high fashion pieces from jacques fath/ralph lauren/christian dior

. lmao I feel like I rambled without making much sense but I would love to explore fem goo more and thanks to you anon!!! HAVE AN INCREDIBLE DAY ILY

edit. THIS IS MORE THAN THREE BUT I YAP TOO MUCH AND CANNOT COUNT SO FORGIVE ME!!!

[sickenessuntodeath]

EVA Pilots: Psychological Cannibalism

What drives people to seek connection? The pleasure principle. It is the propensity to achieve wholeness. This unity or wholeness yields pleasure, and intense pleasure is happiness. The striving for happiness is at the same time as the avoidance of unhappiness. Consequently, a constant state of happiness is incompatible with the human existence. What can be done is to manipulate the pleasure principle into the reality principle. To delay pleasure into acceptable forms. Through social norms, children learn that they cannot eat their favourite meal every day while adults learn not to consume alcohol before work or have sex in public. However, suffering and pain outweigh happiness. In consequence, people demand a more intense and lengthier state of pleasure. Repeating things that give pleasure and therefore avoid pain completely.

Asuka Langley Soryu: Metaphorical Cannibalism

Asuka's intense drive to prove herself as a top pilot and to gain the approval of others illustrates an insatiable hunger for recognition. This pursuit aligns with the pleasure principle, as her desire for validation fuels her relentless ambition. Asuka often metaphorically cannibalizes people through parts of their identities, particularly with Shinji and Rei, seeking to assert her own worth by comparing herself to them. This insecurity also compels her attraction towards Kaji—she wants to be older and consequently stronger. However, this consumption leads to profound feelings of emptiness and alienation. Despite her outward bravado, Asuka's struggle for connection exposes her deep-seated insecurities. When her need for validation is unmet, she experiences a sense of loneliness, emphasising the volatile nature of her pursuits. Asuka’s journey shows how the desire to consume others’ identities can ultimately leave one feeling more fragmented—true fulfilment cannot be found through validation.

Kaworu & Shinji: Cannibalism Out of Love

The pleasure principle revolves around the pursuit of gratification and the avoidance of pain. In extreme forms, cannibalism can represent the ultimate expression of desire, where one desires to consume another for pleasure—whether that be physical, emotional, or symbolic. This consumption reflects a distorted drive for fulfilment, where individuals may prioritize their desires over ethics.

Kaworu's intense desire for emotional intimacy with Shinji accentuates the potential distortions inherent in the pleasure principle. By prioritizing his own longing for connection, even in the face of distress, Kaworu navigates a delicate balance between pleasure and pain. His offer to "become one" with Shinji, while deeply intimate, raises profound questions about autonomy and individuality. This interplay illustrates how the pursuit of wholeness can both improve and complicate human relationships, ultimately contesting the nature of what it means to connect with one another.

Rei Ayanami: Autocannibalism

Rei depicts a fragmented existence in her being a clone and subservience. Her character illustrates the pleasure principle through her quest for wholeness, proposing that true fulfilment comes from embracing one’s complexities rather than consuming the identities of others. Rei's journey can be viewed as an act of autocannibalism—consuming oneself in a search for self-love and acceptance. This self-consumption emphasizes the importance of incorporating different aspects of identity to achieve a sense of completeness. Thus, genuine satisfaction arises from within rather than through external validation.

Gendo Ikari: Cannibalism for Domination

Gendo’s desire for control can be seen as a form of metaphorical cannibalism, where he consumes the emotional and psychological resources of others to fulfil his own desires. His manipulation of Shinji is particularly poignant; Gendo's need for power and validation causes him to exploit his son’s vulnerabilities. This pursuit provides Gendo with a sense of gratification, as he believes he can shape the world and others according to his will. However, this absolute domination comes at a cost. Gendo’s need for control alienates him from those he seeks to dominate, ultimately leading to a lack of true connection. His relationships are marked by a profound emptiness, revealing that the gratification he derives from exerting power is superficial and ultimately unsatisfying.

Cannibalism, in all its forms, serves as a short-term solution to the desire for wholeness. The feelings experienced during and immediately after such acts are fleeting. Whether one is the consumer or the consumed, this experience is intrinsically unstable and cannot be reliably repeated. In short, pursuing fulfilment through such extreme means is volatile.

[lazyyogi]

When someone takes a game too seriously, it very quickly loses its fun.

Human incarnation is like that, but worse.

The ego is an emergent self, meaning it "emerges" from a collection of things that aren't a self.

Primarily the ego exists in reference to the body-mind but it may also grow to include habits, likes, dislikes, physical appearance, language, culture, and education.

If any of those are removed or changed, you still exist. Yet the character you feel yourself to be may or may not feel different. The distinction between the feeling of existence and our felt identity is vital to understand.

The feeling of existence is awareness. Awareness knows itself; it exists and knows it exists. It is changeless and continuous.

Awareness illuminates the play of consciousness. To us, consciousness is the perpetually changing experience of a human body-mind. It is all we have known since birth. Our felt identity, the ego, emerges in the body-mind from certain collected patterns of consciousness.

A metaphor may make understanding this more intuitive and clear:

Think of awareness as electricity, consciousness as the images produced on a TV screen by means of electricity, and the ego as the character appearing on the TV screen with whose life and story we identify.

Your feeling of existence (awareness), is entirely uncaused and untouched by the appearance, changes, and disappearance of the character on the show, or even by the show itself (consciousness). Despite this, we live our lives unaware of being anything other than our character and their story.

This is the illusion. Not the show or the characters but the belief that you are the character, that your feeling of existence comes from the character. That is existential ignorance and it creates immense suffering--both for ourselves and for each other.

Three consequences arise inherent to the ego:

1. Existential dread.

We feel that our existence begins with our character's birth and ends with our character's death. Imagine if you were playing a video game and you were brainwashed to believe the same thing about your game character. Would the game be fun or would it be terrifying?

Our human life and everything we know regarding it will end. Who knows what if anything endures after death. It's fair to assume basically nothing. That's something with which we all need to come to terms. But our sense of existence, of being alive, does not end. That is a big deal and makes a big difference.

2. The sense of separation.

As we live wholly identified with that character, we take their side in all matters. It creates a sense of separateness and it is the basis for disharmony, conflict, and confusion. It is also the sense of separateness that creates the feeling that we are lacking something, that something is missing in life. This then leads to the drive described next.

3. The search for happiness.

The combination of our felt sense of separation with our belief that our existence begins and ends with our character poses a problem. It means our starting point is that of incompleteness and we have only a limited time to find completion. So we seek happiness and try to avoid suffering.

This seeking drives us even deeper into the illusory predicament. Because 99% of the time, due to our identification with the character, that seeking only ever occurs within the TV show. We try to make that character happy through the things in the TV story and avoid bad things in the story, which just tangles us deeper in the whole belief that the character story is us.

Temporary happiness or temporary relief from suffering is possible, but it is only ever a partial happiness or relief and it is never sustained indefinitely.

The good news is that there is a way to freedom.

"You are not just a meaningless fragment in an alien universe, briefly suspended between life and death, allowed a few short-lived pleasures followed by pain and ultimate annihilation." -- Eckhart Tolle

To review, we all appear as different characters and we all have the feeling of "I," the feeling of existence. That is awareness; it is the electricity underlying the whole TV show. Consciousness is the medium in which the body's senses and mind's thoughts appear. Within the display of consciousness, a derived identity forms in the mind-body shaped by our culture, language, psychological imprints, and the like, as the story plays out.

I have explained why we will never be at ease let alone truly happy so long as we live as if we are a fragment in a story beyond our control. We will be grasping at scraps of pleasure and resolving to endure innumerable hardships only to be facing inevitable obliteration at our moment of death.

When the ego's illusion is broken, the TV show is seen to be an inert play on a screen and the infinite play of awareness and consciousness stands revealed as having been there all along. That is realization, or enlightenment.

The next few points are important to understand, as they are the very reason for why I explained all of this in the first place.

1. The character, the ego, doesn't become enlightened, nor is it destroyed.

Ramana Maharshi once said that enlightenment is like the sun discovering there is no such thing as night or day. Nothing actually changes other than the arising of clarity regarding what has always been the case.

2. Freedom doesn't mean the character gets to do whatever they want.

Freedom is from the illusion of feeling yourself to be the character. This kind of freedom releases a tremendous amount of tension and fear built up within the character.

3. At the same time, the character doesn't go anywhere.

The character still participates in the TV story but now it can do so without such profound confusion and suffering. It can truly begin to have fun. Also, compassion for others spontaneously arises because there are no "others" and there are no sides.

"We're all just walking each other home." -- Ram Dass

For lack of a better term, we call this existential path of awakening "spirituality." One day, I would like to find a better word for it.

LY

[radical-revolution]

EVIL: A CRY FOR LOVE

“Hell is empty

and all the devils are here.”

- William Shakespeare

"Perhaps everything that frightens us is,

in its deepest essence,

something helpless

that wants our love."

- Rilke

“Heaven and hell are within us,

and all the gods…”

- Joseph Campbell

There are no 'Evil Beings' in this Universe, despite what we were taught as children.

There are no devils, demons or malevolent spirits, no matter what the fear-based religions preach, and despite the striking images and ideas that myths, fairy tales, novels and movies imprint in our young, impressionable minds.

There are no monsters under the bed. No supernatural creatures out to get us.

There are only people - people who do bad things. Abusive things. Manipulative things. Violent things. Narcissistic things, yes. Things that hurt and scare us.

There are only people - people who forget they are people, people who take out their unprocessed rage, shame, guilt, grief and anxiety on other people.

And we call this behaviour ‘evil’.

But it has no supernatural source. Its source lies deep within our nature. Or rather, within a misunderstanding of our nature. Within ‘sin’, which is the imagined separation from our true loving nature.

There are people on this planet who are certain that their vision and version of reality is singularly correct, and who are unwilling to open up to possibility, to meet others in vulnerable intimacy and joyful doubt.

And from that narcissistic place, they hurt, manipulate, control and even kill others, because they are deeply traumatised, and they do not know love, and they are unwilling to stay close to their raw experience, and do the hard work of healing.

They are not ‘possessed’. They are unconscious, fragmented, and uneducated about the true nature of love, rather than inherently ‘evil’.

Instead of sitting with their pain, disappointment, anger, fear, critical thoughts, instead of making a loving home for these energies, these discomforts, these tensions, these ancestral wounds, they turn to the external world for relief, and blame others for their unhappiness, and seek to destroy the imagined 'external source' of their misery.

Instead of taking full responsibility for their own unmetabolised feelings, and their own profound longings for love, they become unloving towards others.

To hide their own ‘evil’, they may even call others ‘evil’.

They scapegoat. Project ‘evil’ onto an innocent goat (victim) and slaughter it and feel some relief for a while. This is their addiction.

'Evil' is tunnel vision, then. It is a painful constriction and rejection of the flowing wholeness of life, a forgetting of our true nature as vastness and divine capacity, which is the absence of a separate and solid 'self'. It is a fearful holding-on to stories and opinions rather than an expansive letting-go into the liberated ocean of consciousness.

There are no 'evil people'. But there are those who live in fear of life and who act out of that fear.

Evil is simply 'live', backwards. It is backwards living.

It is a lost innocence, a cosmic ignorance, a fall from the Grace of self-knowledge.

There is no dark force out there, no malevolent energy or all-powerful Creature opposing Love, for Love is the only Power. But there is the forgetting of Love, the unwillingness to sit with the sacred body and its discomforts. There is the Self-Abandonment Project, and all the unconscious behaviours that emanate from that sad and lonely - and often hellish - place.

This recognition - that nobody is truly 'evil', but only disconnected from Source, from Love, from Mother - is the beginning of great understanding and maybe ultimately even compassion for those who we rush to judge and label as 'evil'.

Behind every 'evil' act, there is a very human story.

And no, this is not to condone or justify violence - there cannot be any place for violence in conscious, civilised society - but to try to understand its very human, rather than supernatural, source.

In that sense, then, we all contain the potential for 'evil'.

And so, we must all take a good hard look at ourselves:

Where does violence live within me?

How am I adding to the violence of the world?

How am I disconnecting from Source?

Can I be a little kinder to myself and others today? Soften, where I usually contract? Breathe, where I usually suffocate? Slow down, where I usually speed up?

Can I take responsibility, where I usually blame others?

Can I be accountable, where I usually scapegoat and project my own faults onto others?

The end of evil lies here in Presence, in our collective willingness to breathe love into our own pain, to drench the sore places with Light, to wake up to our loving nature, moment by precious moment.

To stop blaming, and start healing, and listening to each other.

To remember the divine light within each and every one of us.

All dark shadows require a light source; they are never more powerful than light, having no power of their own.

Evil, then, is a distorted plea for love, for help, for understanding, for more light. It is a longing for the womb.

It would cry, if it could, “Please, I’m hurting, I want to hurt others, help me!!!”

- Jeff Foster

[worrywrite]

A continuation of my assessment of Discworld books.

I have read Feet of Clay.

Heck.

Not exactly sure what more I can say.

Well. I'll try to get more in depth.

I haven't heard many good things about this one (mostly neutral opinions), which is a shame. If you've read the watch books in order, G!G! is a great start for Discworld overall and Men at Arms is a stellar follow up. But Feet of Clay makes everything make sense. It shows us why and how Vimes exists (because Vetinari sculpted him and put words in his head), what the watch is really capable of, and it is a better analogue to our real world than any prior book.

Feet of clay is about 3 different kings. The king made by kings who knows better than to rule, which is Carrot. The King made by lords and wealthy men who doesn't want to rule because he knows it's a figurehead position, which is Nobby. And the king made by the oppressed that could not be a good king despite trying, which is Meshugah. It is interesting that all three of the first watch novels have this obsession with kingship. In G!G! The villain wants to be king because he wants power and wealth and money and so on. In Men at Arms, the inciting incident is that someone realizes there is a "proper" king to be had and it would only be right and proper by the lord's and ladies of the city to have him installed. But in Feet of Clay everyone seems to want a king; not for power per se, but because they envision a king as a savior in a time of crisis. But they don't realize what Vetinari and Carrot know as of the end of Men at Arms, that kings fail and the throne is rotted hollow behind the gold leaf. And this is the point of the novel, I think. To have feet of clay means to be mighty and powerful but simultaneously weak or to have a particular weak point. It seems that kingship in and of itself is a weakness. No good king could be a good king because no good king represents a cohesive community, no great kingdom can be ruled by one man because it is inherently fragmented. And a good king in a position where he cannot be a good king is driven to madness. It happens to Nobby when he jumps out of the window and wholesale rejects the offer of kingship. It happens to Meshugah right when he's made, because he comes into being with the role of king and no way to fulfill his role. And Angua fears that it is happening to Carrot, that he is so close to snapping but unable to let himself snap.

Personally, my favorite part of Feet of Clay is Dorfl. Dorfl is the ideal person in the book, almost as much the hero/protagonist as Vimes and as much of a self realization story as Cheri. Because Dorfl starts out wanting a king, believing he must have a master and that there must be a savior for his kind. Dorfl is one of the golems that makes a king. And it is literally Dorfl's feet that become the feet of clay upon which the golem king Meshugah stands. When Dorfl realizes that he can be his own master, that he can own himself and his actions and his body, he realizes that the king he made is more his responsibility than he is its responsibility. And so he goes about trying to dismantle the king he made, because of all the people that make a king in this book Dorfl is actually capable of assuming responsibility for the king he helped create.

It also doesn't hurt that Dorfl is just a cool character. He gets to catch a javelin fired from the Piecemaker at near point blank range, he gets a fantastic fight scene, and he does something that I think no other golem ever does in Discworld which is he lives by his own words.

There is more to love about the book, of course, like the scathing take on capitalism and property (though I don't think that is as pertinent now as when it was written), and the whole matter of Cheri (who I also love and will perhaps write more about later) and her manifesting her self.

Anyway. It is worth reading the watch books to get to Feet of Clay. And I imagine Feet of Clay is worth reading for the rest as well.