#thats when jobs want to actually see me.
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fun times!
(and by fun times i mean finally relaxing, realizing your very IMPORTANT job interview was scheduled for the wrong week ((the one week a year you were finally planning on actually taking a trip for yourself)), and then proceeding to drink your remaining vodka stock STRAIGHT from the bottle and getting hopelessly drunk to stop yourself from spiraling into a panic attack and mental breakdown)
so ya. Fun times :D
#this is literally the third time ive waited for literally ever to take a vacation and actually do something for myself#and the only place that responds to my job applications wants to conduct interviews during the ONLY time im unavailable#Its almost comical how I neglect my desire to travel and do fun things and then when I finally actually decide to say fuck it#lets go somewhere#thats when jobs want to actually see me.#i hate everything :)
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congrats on baby #2!🥰👍 part 2 to this post bc seb is a smug ass bitch when it comes to getting clora pregnant. and ty @rednite-dork for sending me the original pic ages ago LMFAO... i knew as soon as i saw it that i had to redraw it eventually 👼
#anne 1000% took the picture LMFAO......lewis-induced vomiting#i wanted to have the design of their kids out before drawing this since seb has to be holding their firstborn....widdle chubby ceweste#choccyart#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian sallow x mc#clora clemons#hogwarts legacy#also ive started on the seb and clora as curse breakers oneshot🥰im still only on the outline and still ironing things out but#im excited to start writing it hehe......protective adult seb does stuff to me....🧎♀️🧎♀️🧎♀️#the premise is them investigating a town that has a bunch of strange occurrences going on that might be bc of a cursed object#AND THATS ALL ILL SAY..............clora living her sherlock life fr#OMG WAIT thats actually a cute idea LMFAO i should legit have clora try to channel sherlock when shes investigating BAHAHA😭😭#if anyone has any ideas/things theyd wanna see abt them as adults on the job lmk send me an ask/anon or reply im open to suggestions#the oneshot is gonna be pretty lighthearted and slice of life so#tho there IS a smut scene at like the very beginning that i wasnt planning on BAHAHA but thats just what happens when u write seb...😮💨
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"The movie messes up the TV lore" 🥺🥺🥺
Bro the TV lore messes itself up. Master fu destroyed the most important temple ever cause he wasn't allowed to eat for a day.
#bro when i tell you#the only reason why i started watching this show was cause the concept was nice#but the execution is dog shit and now im just seeing where its going.#they didnt add worthwhile plot till season 4 bro#season 2 and 3 was just world building#and season 3 sucked so like a season and a half if plot max#and the FIBALLY OF 5 PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH#i wanted adrien to punch his dad in the face as himself not noir#i dont like redemption arcs the movie made#but i perfer it better than me coming off as a doomsday nut job conspiracy therorist#yelling on youtube how convient it was hawkmoth was defeated but agreste died in the process#his weird butterfly motif in his house#his aloofness started arou d the same time hawkmoth showed up#any design shown on screen was ugly af so hes not studying fashion in his free time thats for sure#i am the charlie day pepe silvia meme in this universe canonically#oh shit the actual tags#miraculous ladybug#miraculous awakening#chat noir#adrien agreste#marinette dupain cheng#ladybug and cat noir the movie
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A fun example of jay being a violent guy, it’s a skybound clip (hoping this link sends) https://x.com/legotim82/status/1813002886730682705?s=46&t=gUEBy-jzuRkP_f6TD5QNig Jay just went for the kill in this, he straight up forgot the sword seals them away. Makes sense why he would go for the kill in order to defend Kaida. He’s just a bit of a violent lad
I was just thinking about this topic about "Evil Jay" and the things he can do when I got this ask hjsvkh
yeaah I agreed if Kaida's life is in danger, the guy goes completely crazy, no doubt (although Kaida is much worse in that regard if Jay's life is in danger but that conversation for another day-)
Now I don't think Jay is an inherently violent person who enjoys doing those things or can do them with a cold, calculating mind, that's not Jay. He's the type of person who makes bad/violent decisions in the heat of the moment, in the middle of a fight where adrenaline and his own impusivity lead him to not really think about morals and stuff. I will always say this, but if you compare him to the rest of the team, he is the most morally questionable, that's why I don't understand when people say he's a pacifist. At least in this AU, one of his biggest problems is that he really does bad things, feels terribly guilty, justifies himself not having to think about it, and then makes those same decisions again the first chance he gets.
It's funny because I've recently seen this discourse recently about whether or not it's realistic for Jay to be a villain or do bad things. But we have already seen him in DR be deliberately negligent with the lives of the people his department relocates. And that EVEN if he didn't see the point in arresting Zane&Bonzle he was still going to do it. Idk there you have a guy with doubts and uncertainty doing bad and negligent things because he doesn't really want to reason about another alternative or why they are wrong. Obviously we won't get an "Evil megalomanic Jay" but a Jay who does those things in the name of obedience because that's how indifferent he has become.
#I think Jay is more likely to do “bad things” as long as he doesn't see the consequences of his actions#with how things work in his department#like. haha funny. cloud people in the underworld but also#prob a lot of people end up in a place they shouldn't#and that's not incompetence on Jay's part. It's simply indifference#It's just a job for him he doesn't really stop to reason what happens when his employees make a mistake#(He's not that irresponsible in this AU as a manager but that's only because as a father he doesn't want to lose his job either)#I don't know how to explain it exactly in words but sometimes I imagine him in this AU as Jesse in BB#but thats just me#dad jay au#The next chapter of LP is actually quite about this
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#being back in the lab is giving me whiplash#bc i like seeing all the ppl again. i like seeing my cultures again. but in the one class im taking im worried for the amount of reading#and discussing ill have to do. its going to b very obvious when im struggling to understand what im reading#and thats in addition to the reading ill have to do specific to my project. and my dad's like: ur mental health comes 1st. if it's too much#then step away but if i did that i really would be cutting the cord between myself and ever finishing in this program. ugh. how am i already#more tired than when i was getting up at 3 am and spending 8hrs on my feet?#and this morning. after 3 months of applications i finally have an interview for a government job.#so im like here going thru the motions of being a grad student but im still holding on to my way out#rn my ideal would be that i actually get this job im interviewing for bc it involves growing microbes for agricultural research and i want#to stay a microbiologist. but i would have enough time to finish out the semester before moving across the country yet again.#bc i dont wanna just leave bc i teach 2 lab sections but i dont think i wanna do this anymore#but hey it's only day 2. ive got plenty of time to change my mind#it just sucks and im tired#unrelated
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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I miss the library :/
#i do and dont#the social tension of that setting was very stressful#but the job itself was like a perfect routine and most of my coworkers were great and i do miss them#interacting with customers was sometimes actually quite nice and i felt like i was getting better at it#but there were people i felt were being fake to me or didnt like me at all which i guess is to be expected anywhere#and i really felt my incompetence hard when i failed at certain tasks#id love to just go Hang out there but when i worked there it felt weird bc i was always there#and now it feels weird because i didnt leave on my own terms#and its like a cone of shame around me the entire time#even when said coworkers have seen me since and theyre always happy to see me and like Want to know how i am#and they seemed genuinely sad that i left#but its just so like its such a sore spot that i just cant#we do have Other libraries in the city but thats the best one its my favorite one
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i need people to start paying me for every time they tell me "oh but ur arts so good ur wasting ur talent u need to do it professionally" wrong i need to do art to draw beautiful characters that not a single other person cares about while feeding every ounce of love i have into my work or to convey thoughts & feelings beyond words and to even think of doing otherwise is to deny my own nature "oh but u can do what u want and then sell it" why is everything about money to you why cant u just enjoy things at what point in ur life did u forget how to have fun
#i hate that this stance is also seen as childish#like i have a full time job & often have mandatory overtime i have income already#if u need to to make ends meet then thats different do what u can to help urself live as comfortably as possible#but holy fuck pleasure as an adult is not limited to sex & money & watching tv#besides u know not a single one of the people who say this are willing to actually pay what the arts worth#its like 'well not me but other people would love it!' yeah okay u know a lot of other people are going to see the#over $100 price tag and go 'i like it but not that much! other people however' like just shut up. honestly. be quiet.#if i speed ran my art and low balled myself to a $15/hour rate the lowest would still be like $120#which is not worth it AT ALL bc i just paid MORE to sit on my ass & look at eggs#and. again. is underselling myself for both experience & time. but people think $80 full body comms are too expensive#do u think im so stupid to not expect to get scammed when even 'easy' things are over $100#but no ur right why would i have fun with something when i could instead cause myself infinite stress over it perfect thanks#do not give me advice about doing comms i do not want to do comms#if u see me doing comms im in a very dire situation. like thats a last resort for me.
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thinkin abt this. and thinking about mitch realizing that he'd never get the full suburban nuclear family hockey best friend life with auston.... thinking about the little adjustments of expectations they've made about each other and their futures together....... thinking about where they are now and might be later on.
#1634#like. . austons homes in arizona....#he loves toronto. he has a home in toronto too but he doesnt. like.#seem to have those same kind of dreams since he's split between family in az vs job in tor. at least isnt vocal abt them#mitch HAS been to his home in az tho.......... a treat it seems not a ton of ppl have.....#and auston comes to his lakehouse..... its all so.......#just. mitch has grown up with such conventional wants in a lot of ways it SEEMS like when he talks n jokes#but then u see who he gravitates towards sometimes. n the way it contradicts his actions.#i find them. fascinating. i really do#ive actually been thinkin abt this for days#its like the antithesis of the web weaving i made... where their dreams DIFFER.#still holding so much love n space for each other even then.....#the potential for angst.#just kills me to think abt auston who. like... does not have a house in toronto. maybe never will.#if he ever has kids. i doubt theyll full time live there. its like... mitchs dreams have always been#hockey. family life where he grew up... picket fence n dog n wife n kids w buds right next door.#the whole block even! hang with the boys forever.. make them family.#realizing thats not smth u can dream abt wiht specific ppl u might want it the most wiht. hello....#anyway.#caught between wanting things youre supposed to want n told urself uve wanted ur whole life#n. smth unconventional maybe.
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#personal#sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be someone people want to talk to#or at least had students who could listen to what i say for just five minutes#god i hate yelling then they say thats all i do when if i talked normally no one fucking listens#then i take it way too hard when they say they dont like me when at least i stepped up to take their class#a class that had already ran off one teacher#but no im too useless because i actually make them do work and tried to have rules#last year was hard but at least i felt fulfilled by the end of the year with all my classes#i have never craved the end of the year so much or as much as i have this year#its not even both classes either its just this one that makes me dread working with them as much as they apparently hate me#sadly i can understand why their teacher left#and i know im not the best replacement since im learning how to teach them as they learn from me#but im just tired#its only a month left but i am so ready to never see any of them again#but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job#one actually teaching my correct subject that i love#i hope like hell that i get a job and one i really want because i dont want to have to come back to this school#*it has the most substitute jobs#i dont like being loud even if no one believes me i dont like being mean though i know when i have too i just dont feel good enough#if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years#sorry being sad on main#if you read this#thanks
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🏥🦷
#damn my teeth on my left side reallyyyyy fkn hurt#last night it started hurting so bad i couldnt fall asleep#i took some regular over the counter pain pills nd they brought down the pain a bit#so it at least didnt hurt as bad as it did first#but now after sleeping a few hours it still hurts ://#idk what to do... bc i've googled but it is like impossible for me to know what this is. could be anything rlly#nd w physical health stuff im not as terrified bc i can just go to the ER. when i was there it only cost $15 lol#but dental care is so fkn expensive i dont even have that in my account#anyway. i could get an 'urgent appointment' which i get financial aid for... probably. thats the thing. it's not 100% certain#idk what i should do bc like i could wait it out nd see if it'll pass nd then wait on my appt the 6th may#or maybe i should call my dentists nd ask them what they think nd if they can give me an urgent appt..#i hate calling tho. i know that sounds ridiculous esp when im dealing w pain but my avpd makes it so so hard for me. i'd almost rather not#if i was smart nd normal thats what i would do. just call them nd see what they decide for me. maybe i'll wait nd see nd call tmrw....#nd idk abt the pain. like it rlly hurts but it isnt extreme i think.. but when i press one tooth it hurts a lot nd makes me worried it's#dying 💀 nd like u can actually die from teeth pain nd complications... nd infections nd stuff. it's scary af 😭#idk if my tooth is dying nd i need to contact a dentist rn or if its smth that can wait for a bit#i mean if i had a job nd a salary i'd book an appt for tmrw nd get it checked but i have to discuss w myself bc i cant afford lol#ugh this is the reason im terrified of dental problems. the pain is awful nd theres nothing u can do if you're poor#my head keeps spinning idk what i should do abt this 😭 i csnt make up my mind. just want it to go away on its own but i know it wont#nd it hurts so that i can barely sleep or eat or concentrate. so i rlly dont know.....#oh if only things were easy
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love watching weather science videos but like. why am i 1000x more interested in tornadoes over hurricanes. they're both spinning air
#we wanted to be a stormchaser when we were younger#nowadays we have to worry about our health too much to have such a risky high-stress high reaction time job#been watching nothing but tornado history videos for days it's one of our intermittent special interests#stemming from the weather science workbook we OBSESSED over as a kid#would read that thing cover to cover multiple times a week. i was the kind of autistic who would read the Encyclopedia for fun#i actually had a fave encyclopedia entry as a kid and now i cannot fucking remember it 😭#i also learned what sex was through the encyclopedia 😭😭😭😭 was legit my first exposure to the concept#but like even though we watch A TON of weather videos including tons of stuff about thunderstorms and blizzards#(thunderstorms my fucking beloved. favourite weather pattern ever. cumulonimbus my bestest friend <3)#most of the videos we watch are mostly tornado videos. and hurricane videos feel boring to us#even though hurricanes are wayyy more powerful#tornadoes are still fucking powerful it's just more. concentrated#tornadoes to me feel Targeted like. that's weather that says Fuck YOU in particular actually#especially multivortex tornadoes where you can literally have two houses both in the middle of the storm at once#and still only one of them gets destroyed#or like pictures you can see of demolished houses with their mailbox in the yard simply untouched#i like to watch tornado videos bc they help me. prepare. just in case#our state gets hit with tornadoes pretty frequently though not as much as tornado alley#and i like to know all the information for sheltering and what to do in the event of a collapsed building and such#i have a little survival kit in the bathroom just in case with like basic first aid and a radio and bottled water#bc thats probably the safest room for me to be in since it's not near any external walls and also hiding in the tub is usually good#also in the event you're caught on the road during a tornado#DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE shelter under a bridge or overpass#those work basically like straws where as the air gets pushed through it goes MUCH faster and gets dangerous way easier#as far as im aware the best place to be is in a ditch or hole if you absolutely cannot find a shelter in time#if you do not have a car with roll protection then being in your car will probably be worse#NOT AN EXPERT THO pls verify this information on your own if you think it is relevant or necessary i have poor memory and can be stupid#i just know that overpasses are dangerous as hell
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blog #1
Working hard for something for my moots today!
Bin's part is done :)
Next is Goober :D
#basically im doing the chime meme with my moots-#thats it-#all of Bin's frames are done and have line art now im doing Goober's#also im not tagging them cus i want to tag them when or if the animation is finished finished#ill just make an animation blog at this point on here#so whenever i animate/work on an animation yall get to see the process of my work#plus you guys could actually help me by telling me to stop doing something stupid so then i dont mess up too#and I NEED to start animating not just for you guys (even tho i love you all) but for the fact that this is my dream job#and I'm not gonna give up that easily#i even have art assessments and art homework to do i need to practice more!#but ill give myself small breaks every now#im not tagging them cus i want them to be tagged when my animations are actually finished
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Actually it was surreal as hell to look at my transcript today. I've got all but 3 classes done or in WIP. I'd have to Severely fuck up to fail any of my classes this semester, by this point. Which I don't think will happen. Honestly I might even get straight A's for the first time in college. Which would be cool!!!
So just three classes left. Just three. It's so wild. I'm pretty excited.
#speculation nation#for the first time i actually glanced at the 'apply for graduation' option#to graduate at the end of spring id have to apply by sometime in february.#idk i'll bring it up with the advisor tomorrow. make sure im actually good to graduate with these 3 classes.#part of the problem is the fact that i didnt see the classes i have to take 2 of on the offered list#which makes me nervous about whether theyre even available next semester. and what id have to do to take them.#alternative options? or *waiting*? thatd be even worse. so im not sure yet.#the other thing is that my major started requiring students to take an internship in order to graduate#but since ive taken a long ass time my index year aka when k started doesnt have that as a requirement.#at least that's what my last advisor said :p so im nervous about if this new one says differently.#an internship would certainly be useful for getting work experience and resume padding#but i never wanted to before bcus i needed to work my job. that paid me Money. unlike the probable internship.#and also i dont have my license and i DEFINITELY dont want to TRAVEL. what would i do with my cats#?????#so i havent done an internship. and i dont intend to. but if he says it's actually required then id have to work to get one over summer#etc etc. then graduation would be delayed.#i really really hope it doesnt turn out like that. i really Really want to just be done already. by the end of spring.#spring 25 give it up for graduating spring 25#i was originally class of 19 lol but i like 25 better. in terms of numbers.#class of 15 for high school and 25 for college... yes#and YEAH it's taken me 10 years😭😭😭😭 thats why i dont want it to take any longer 😭😭😭😭 im so close i just wanna be DONE WITH IT!!!!!!#so fucking close i can taste it. im halfway done with my current semester too. So Fucking Close...
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I visited a therapy place that said they specialize in trans healthcare (and the receptionist insisted they could refill medications) and they couldn't. But worse they didn't know any doctors who do. Suggested a place that does HRT out of pocket. Fine. Contact them.
First email.
Attached form:
Patient Form FEMALE.
Me, a trans man: I suspect this is going to go poorly.
#i fucking miss kaiser already#at least they could hand me off to someone in the system#oh well maybe find a doctor and have them refer you to an endocrinologist and-#how long do you think a one months supply of T lasts? even when youre fucking rationing#i am so so sorry to people with actual medical issues#just try eight doctors to find one in a month while you also work an 8-5 and want to keep your job#im just venting don't worry about it#at least they were up front with the price#oh it might be cheaper out of pocket#the appointments arent! 25 vs 50$ and then the price of T!!! if i have to see them as often as a regular doctor thats still a loss!!!#and its not even going to my deductable!!!#fuck us healthcare!!!!#fuck trans healthcare!!!!!#i knew this was going to happen tho. i did move somewhere less queer friendly
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ive been watching sooo many vids of people doing doll restorations and doll customizations... making me both fight off the desperate urge to attempt New Hobby just because it Looks Fun and also resisting the urge to repurchase the fave barbie i had as a kid on ebay,,,,
#i dont have a job rn i dont need to be spending money on this kind of nostalgia for the latter lol#my fave was a SPECIFIC doll#well actually i had 2 faves but i think the other was like a generic one#but i specifically remember i had the 2001 nutcracker barbie + ken#who i guess were named clara and eric lol#idr if i had the kellys.... i did have a few kellys i just dunno if they were part of that set#i think i literally only had one ken doll. MAYBE two ? and one was the nutcracker guy#but his nutcracker head creeped me out so i never used it#i also think i fucked up his slicked back hair bc. well i was a child LOL#but i remember specifically those two bc of the creepy nutcracker head and bc clara had that special jointed body#since her whole thing was like the nutcracker ballet movie or w/e#and i loved the way her joints moved and clicked and her swooshy curly hair#but also when i was a kid i liked smearing makeup on my dolls LOL#so like. watching restoration and custom vids and seeing how people Actually pull that off in a more professional way#it awakens that inner childhood interest lol#and like i HAVE a lot of the supplies already for that. i have paints and pastels and a billion craft supplies ive accumulated over years#which makes it all the more tempting to buy a used doll off like ebay or a thrift store or something for funsies#that would be more affordable than trying to win a bid war for clara 😑 LOL#but i mean. if i do end up employed with a comfortable salary again someday#and if i have money to spare. perhaps i'd consider trying to get clara lol i know shes out there#but also im not willing to spend THAT much so i probs still wouldnt#tho maybe i can find one thats kinda fucked up and try to clean her idk . IDK IM JUST DAYDREAMING FOR NOW#ugh who wants to reminisce with me tho LOL#i can vaguely see the plastic bin of barbies i had as a kid in my mind...#there was this other barbie i had that i liked... idr anything special about her tho i just liked her hair#it was like a specific type of blonde that was like a warm blond and was soft i think. maybe a lil dirty blonde color idk#maybe i liked her face too idk i just know there was one that stood out to me#despite like nothing of significance about her LOL#she was another white blonde bitch in my collection
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