#thats how i feel abt him rn
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AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY
#I WASNT EVEN MEANING TO SO I ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED THE DIALOGUE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING FUCK#ill go and find it later if only to give myself peace of mind. BUT WOW. WHAT THE FUCK#my original plan was to 1) work my way to the king and talk to him 2) doom myself and take everyone down with me 3) loop back to floor 3#so i can visit the observatory and scrounge for any lore. although since i got killed that run siffrin asked the king to kill him first#which was intereresting. but i decided to have all doors unlocked that time around so i can just get the starcrest and go#but for some reason it wasnt working so i went to get the keyknife since i was already there and completely forgot i already had it#from the previous loop and THATS what triggered it. IT WAS FUNNY BUT ALSO SCARY BUT ALSO I THINK I GET WHAT THEY MEAN#about siffrin going back without actually changing. going along with a script even if his feelings on things change#the same way he has his own small rituals like the carving thing and does it for constancy. reassurance or safety even#and the times when he breaks script and ends horribly like the sadness attacking thing and bonnie yelling at him cause him to loop#to avoid it. although i cant really say anything bc id probably do the same thing. maybe not for the same reasons since im cruel#and make him do the worst to see what will happen since i put curiosity over rejection sensitivity as an observer and player but well.#i feel wrongfooted bringing it up since i dont have it myself but i have to wonder if this kind of leans into ocd tendencies.. i remember#reading something about how ocd is fuelled by fear. and things like counting and rituals are kind of used to cope with that?#if anyone knows anything more or talked abt it already id be really interested in hearing it bc im almost sure im not#the first to come to this conclusion. but i simply dont know enough nor have the confidence to broach the topic rn esp with how often#misconceptions around ocd get casually passed around so its hard for me to know what is and isnt a baseless assumption#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#playthru#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#change god#WHAT WAS THAT WITH WEARING LOOPS FACE THOUGH WHAT THE FUCKKK
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You know what's insane about the Hunger AU. the fact that Grian is trying to die because he does not want to inflict pain upon his friends, but that's exactly the thing that's tormenting them. he's become so determined to stop himself that he's hurting them anyway, and it only gets worse the harder he tries. he doesn't want to be cruel but leading the Hermits on like this about the potions is cruel. he doesn't want to hurt them but seeing him half dead is hurting them. i am shaking like a dog
hunger au really is all about how suicidal ideation and mental illness can just twist your entire perspective into a knot.... like the objective reality is that he IS hurting his friends with this and he IS going to hurt them 10x more when it comes to the potions!!! but grian is so caught up in his own head and his hurt and his guilt that he cant see that or accept the cognitive dissonance that comes with acknowledging it. Its a genuinely tragic set of circumstances and being able to showcase the rapid spiral down followed by the slow crawl back up through recovery is so so so rewarding for me as a writer-- not least bc of reactions like these >:]
#shouting speaks#asks#hunger au#compliments#i could say a lot abt how mental illness and ptsd in particular just plays a crazy part in how hunger!grian functions#but i feel like it kinda speaks for itself#theres a certain point where all logic and objective fact goes out the window and youre just running on pure amygdalian emotion#and thats really just where grian is at rn#and the only possible way for him to come back from that is THROUGH his friends' support#ig thats sorta the thesis statement of this fic if it had one-- recovery is a community effort#at the end of the day yes you have to do it yourself but also#i think it is nigh impossible to pull yourself out of the dark without a helping hand of SOME kind#we were made to be communal etc etc etc#IDK IM JUST RAMBLING NOW I HAVE THOUGHTS SOMETIMES#txt
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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anyway the comic update should be next week (3pgs left) until then a ghillie König warm up scribble bc i finally caved and got the sloth pak and am Obsessed with how much more creepy he looks 😞👐
the pic that started it all:
#i never spend money on games other than the initial Game itself but MAN#it passed my rule of dont buy it unless u consistently think abt it for days and well it passed#i do want to get the whole ghost n soap pack too but brother that shit too much money im willing to spend#now i just need his peanut butter edition 😔#he looks even creepier than his default skin (how hot of him) but i play like a clown so therefor he looks like a clown#BUT homie showed me how to do private matches with bots so i can practice without the feeling of sheepish embarrassment lmfao#bc apparently im even scared to be Perceived by randos who will never see me again in 5 seconds#thats anxiety baybay!!!!#so anyway my prayers have been answered OK i Gotta shuddup brain is playing pinball with 1000 thoughts rn peace#my art#i mean barely PFFFT#scribble#sketch#konig#ghillie#cod#call of duty#call of duty modern warfare 2#konig modern warfare#modern warfare#call of duty modern warfare#könig#konig cod
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I'm so mad that so far the only good robin!jason content i've ever found is his original run. Everything i've seen since has just been making him out to be the Angry Bad Problem Child and victim blaming him for dying. How is it that the only fucking good characterization of him is 20 issues from the 1980s
#my dc posting#jason todd#dc#jaybin#robin jason todd#i love jaybin so much but by god there is no fucking content#ppl are just obsessed w making him out to be Bad and Angry to make him becoming red hood make more sense in their heads#look thats what he was always going to be. that what he was always on the track for. look at how angry and unstable he was#SHUT UPPP#from comics anything told to me abt his time as robin after his death means nothing to me#everyone has a different version of canon in their mind and mine will never include a single bit of info abt jaybin said after his death#i have the most horrible brainrotting ''he would not fucking say that'' abt jaybin. nobody gets him like i dooo#<- said as someone who has been angry and problematic and difficult since a young age bc of trauma and mental illness and shit#AND JASON WASNT EVEN HALF AS BAD AS ME#im gonna go reread his og robin run. my safe space#sorry im being soooo annoying abt jaybin rn i just. i love him#i feel like most people only see jaybin as the precursor to red hood#jaybin is only worth something as the backstory of red hood#which like. its fine to like the red hood version of him most#but i like jaybin :( he's my robin. like if there's a robin in a story i'd want it to be jason#so many fics would be sooo good to me if they did not unnecessarily have jason arguing with bruce abt the no-kill thing while STILL ROBIN??#like what are we doing thereeee#ok sorry im done being annoying and venty and whiny now
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I'm my mind Hiccup has more of a limp than in canon because while he does still have a working left knee, realistically the type of burn scars he'd have from the Red Death would probably make the joint movement stiff
#hiccup haddock#httyd#he like only noticeably limps in httyd2 a few times (that i can remember)#its like they forget missing most of your tibia will do more than just be an excuse for a cool metal leg#i feel like the burns wouldn't be one huge scar bc the fire was like. erratic? ig. but would be in several places on his leg#and since toothless was partially shielding him#ehehe i wanna write something abt his recovery after the red death fight and make it. slightly more realistic bc in canon#he was asleep for like 2 weeks then immediately up and walking after like okay i knew he was built different but. What. but also#im like brainrotting over aus rn and dont want to focus on a bunch of stuff at once bc thats how burnout happens#httyd headcanon#hiccup's leg#rtte#moth.txt#deyas dragons
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fuck
well fuck
#[🔮] rambles ~#well thats one eloquent way to put it#KDJSJSUDJSHSJSJSHAHSHSJAJAAAAAAAAAASJDJDJIDJDHDJDUDUD {<- me and my thoughts rn}#UGHHHHH#I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL TF#DHHEJSJDHD#FUCK#what an AMAZING time to start having feelings :////////#IDK I LIKE IT BUT I DONT BUT I DO BUT WTF#AND I CANT GET DISTRACTED MORE THAN I ALREADY AM#BUT UFHHHHH#DJDJJSJS#this is literally all im capable of expressing rn#fuck#AAAAAAAA#its like my brain got tired of me tap dancing around and refusing my feelings#“nahhhh i dont like himmm ” <- me saying from three years and having managed to mostly convince myself and lock up the rest of thefeelings#-in The Box Of Things I Dont Think About#my brain tired of my bullshit: violently shoves extremely vivid and sweet dream that i will not forget so that i finally realise#ive been thinking abt him but avoiding thinking abt him the whole day at the samr time 😭😭😭😭#ESP SINCE IVE COME HOME BC I DONT WANT MY MOM TO NOTICE#but UGH#I WAS LITERALLY THINKING ABT HIM THEN STOPPING MYSELF DURING THE EXAM CRYING FOR FUCKS SAKE#i have refused to think abt this till it is shoved into my head again <- will think then stop myself then think again then stop myself then#FEELINGS ARE SO INCONVENIENT OMFG AAAAAAAAAAAA#delete later#i cannot bear to have the evidence 😭😭
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thank god im not a journalist cus the amount of eye contact would kill me
#watching a vale interview for research. seeing how he talks and acts for fics from his pov#lots of hand movements. high lilt in his voice. lots of explanation. leads you through a story. very interested in conversation.#hes explaining smth rn and istg it is not related to the question at all. it's interesting i like it but was that the question bud#the question was 'how have you seen RIDERS change over the years? example pedrosa and marquez' and vale went 'ah. 2005 and 2019 are very#different bikes. theres more electronics now.' hes just answering what he wants girl get back on topic 😭😭#NEVER wants to talk about marc thats another observation.#'i come from an era of drinking and cigarettes' funny guy#subtle insults....idk if he means it to be insulting but eh who knows he has a specific tone#it was a question on evolution and how he adapts to riders of the past and riders of the present actually im stupid 😔 sry technically he DID#answer it was just odd jajajaja#great passion for motorcycles :)#atp this is just notes#why are his legs so long. sry. thats mean but why are his knees so far#i feel like he has a tendency to get very very close to whoever hes talking to. kinda a 'i AM interesting in what youre saying. you are#interested in ME' and i think thats very intriguing. lots of movements lots of leaning#i fw his earring so heavy bro i love his stupid one earring#hes so good at conversation wow#luca mention :))#ok yea hes literally abt to fall out of his chair thats how far hes leaning into the interviewer. they know each other so im not too#surprised but eh#he loves to explain loves to talk he really is so compelling. hes a storyteller. and very very italian#interview is valentino rossi uncut from 2019. its on the motogp youtube channel#need to see him do small talk. or just a little conversation between friends but idk italian so that may be hard to find#yap sesh tag#motogp
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im being very brave and forcing myself to not get into a screaming match over something that isnt that deep. i should literally get a medal
#HE'S KICCKING HIS FEET SO MUCH RN AND ITS PISSING ME OFF I GEN WANT TO STRANGLE HIM#thats not the reason i want to scream at him its a different thing but like. its slightly more deep than that. but not that deep#sorry my mothers not home so i cant rant to her abt how much i hate him and im full of energy i cannot let out so im literally telling#everyone i know and also tumblr. i feel like. evil. i feel actually evil. i want him dead genuinely
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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Joel did not put his whole pussy into being an insane housewife and compete to be the #1 Ethogirl and wear Ethos face on his shirt all season for you guys to say his relationship/allyship with Etho was forced just because it was a soulbond
#boat boys#smalletho#I GET trying to make the bad boys extra important to him I GET IT#but this just. is a misreading thats so popular rn its driving me crazy#HE was SO enthusiastic abt allying with Etho even when Etho was jokingly distressed#in general people have a problem with discrediting Joels relationships and Im like. beating all your doors down to tell you Scar and Grian#were important to him in LL. he wasnt alone in LL.#I would say this is partially my fault for people misunderstanding the focus of my alliance metapost#but that has like under 200 notes so its really Not on me tho#prisspeaks#no hate or hard feelings to the people who have been saying this. I Get why you are I really do#its just smth thats been driving me crazy lately. how quickly we forget…#discourse
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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WE GOTTEM BOYS
#hate my home lcs lowkey. or well thats kind of strong but they reorganized everything sometime recently and its soooo unintuitive#this was on the shelves but i couldnt find it -- which before i also couldnt find 1 and 2 so i had to go behind the counter#but the guy this time got confused and was trying to set up a pull etc but im living at school so it would only be over breaks blah blah#way too complicated a concept for them and my mom was like double parked outside xyz#thankfully the other guy stepped in and just got me one off the shelf which again. horribly organized im so sorry. before they had it split#up by brand and now they dont but the store is segmented weird and their alphabetical is so stupid like AWW is under W not A which i checked#but lowk W is kind of hidden and then they have a whole section of like variants thats kind of in the way??? just its NAWT the move guys#also i just feel like theyre generally kind of unhelpful and i hate how the store is laid out sm#its also RIGHT across from the grocery store and has big windows aimed right at the comics selection like guys plssss i do not need the mom#of someone i knew in middle school witnessing me here rn. be so fr#i just like the other one better bc it makes sense and is in this little basement under the target and theyre super friendly and love#talking. i go to look for smth and we make a whole lil conversation nerding out abt multiple things likee#i read saga bc of them lol#i bought me historica hardcover there and the next time i went i mentioned to them i liked ww and they were all like#���omg you need to read historia its sooo good” like girl I KNOW RIGHT!!! (to the 40yo man)#i mean the one dude there is a total tom king warrior which like oop but hes nice so its okay. let him push some woman of tomorrow i can#handle it lol. anyways like the college one way better but havent been since september bc the AWW drops keep mostly coinciding w my trips#home and all. someday#what was i saying. oh yeah my potatoes are ready bye
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Just realized I either need to up my chapter amount on my latest fic or I need to make chapters longer
(for reference I currently have enough for 16 chapters, and I'm still writing, I'm predicting possibly 20 chapters at the pace I'm going but then again. I thought this would be 8 chapters at first. So.)
#im not your dream#hey kids you can do YOUR part to help me bc im horrible at making decisions#i dont have any tags for myself that arent abt me making stuff sook#yellow's writing#fanfic#Im losing it bc 20 chapters seems like sm???#and idk what a normal chapter length is but i usually keep them CLOSE to the same amount#Like they AVERAGE 3k rn and i could average 5k if thats what i gotta do but also HOW LONG IS A NORMAL FIC WHY DONT I HAVE ANY REFERENCESSSS#i also feel bad making them TOO long bc Office Worker comments on my stuff and like...#Honest Lies was hard for him bc i made Very long chalters 😔😭😭#poll
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Been doing real fucking bad and I'm So sick of it. When will it end
#ive been working two jobs while in school and i dont have money to pay rent or my car payment or my utilities.#ive veen in this apt 2 months and im worried abt eviction#which if that happens ill literally have nowhere to go#except MAYBE my friends place but ... who knows#i missed my car payment last month so now im severely worried abt it getting repod#and on top of that i have my ex blowing up my phone. visiting me at work. trying to get hired AT MY WORK#relentlessly showering me in love i dont want and trying to convince me to love him and be with him again#theres so much happening and so much is up in the air and i havent been on my meds bc i ran out and i cant afford to get them rn#i dont have a therapist thats worth seeing and the ones i reached out to havent responded#ive been crying myself to sleep w thoughts of self harm and just. disappearing#i really cant fucking do this anymore#it feels like no matter how hard i try im just digging myself deeper. further into the trench#i dont know. maybe i do need an involuntary vacation but i will NOT prove my ex right. i will NOT give him that satisfaction#i need a monyh between now and next week to get my shit in order#i need to run away#i need to disappear#s talks
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