#it feels like no matter how hard i try im just digging myself deeper. further into the trench

[nectarinebat]

Been doing real fucking bad and I'm So sick of it. When will it end

[daddyfordaeddy]

Pairing: Jinyoung x gn!Reader Warnings: its smut. its badly written smut. its a handjob. the lightest dom/sub undertones ever because idk how to write that. the reader is the more dominatn one in this situation. theres cursing. light blood but not sexual.

Summary: Jinyoung cuts his hand at work. You lend him yours. I will never not make puns. Genre: Smut Word Count: 2031 This is a request for @crzy-devil​ 

im sorry that the ending isn’t quite what you wanted but i was struggling and didn’t wanst to make you wait any longer. i hope you enjoy it.

You know Jinyoung’s job can be dangerous. All the stunts he has to perform, you worry a little. But he can handle himself most of the time, you try not to worry too much. You trust him enough to tell you if it’s hurting or if he’s stressed. No matter how late he stays filming, you’re always sitting up to wait for him to return to your shared home so you can kiss away all the tiredness in his eyes before the two of you head to bed.

This time, his drama is more action-based than his other ones, and as a result, you start to worry more. Even if he isn’t the lead, he has plenty of screentime, most usually shots of fights. You see behind-the-scenes videos of Jinyoung in action and every day you worry a little more each time. When Jinyoung comes home he tries not to make you worry but he’s naturally vocal about how he feels and so you get a little more insight into his job and how much stress it gives him and you just feel even worse.

When Jinyoung comes home one evening, with a tight smile on his face warning bells ring in your head. “Jinyoungie, hi,” you start carefully, “how was the set today? You get a break this week, right?”

Jinyoung sighs, “Kind of. They cut short the break so I’ll only be here for a four-day weekend.” Your lips purse but you say nothing else. Jinyoung heads straight into the bathroom, knocking into the doorframe once before entering with a short curse and your eyebrows fly into your hairline.

“Love, you good?” you ask, slowly standing and making your way over to the doorframe to peek in. Jinyoung’s head snaps up and he looks at you with a wide-eyed stare, but that’s not where your eyes are trained on. You’re currently looking at his hand, which has a long, deep gash on it, and it’s bleeding rather worryingly. “Jinyoungie, what happened?”

Jinyoung is just looking at you sullenly. “I cut myself on one of the falling lights. The director bumped into it. It’s fine, really.” You level him with a glare as you bend down to get the gauze.

“Honestly, Jinyoung, I worry, you know. Go sit down at the counter and I’l be out soon.” As Jinyoung opens his mouth to complain you tut. “No, don’t argue with me. Go sit.”

Jinyoung sulks, but he understands and lets you fiddle around with the cabinets as he does as you tell him. When you exit the bathroom a few minutes later, you see him idly tracing patterns into the countertop as he has his cut hand wrapped in his shirt to stop the blood from dripping all over the counter. “You didn’t get a damp paper towel?” you admonish him gently as you approach him and take his hand in yours. “Now your shirt will get all bloody. I’ll have to handwash it.”

Jinyoung pouts and you laugh a little at his expression as you dab lightly around the wound with a washcloth. He doesn’t say much, opting to watch you clean up his hand and put some ointment before dressing and wrapping it in gauze. When you finish, you bring his hand up to your mouth and press a quick kiss to the wide palm. “Take care of yourself, you know.”

Jinyoung softly laughs, puckering his lips with a playful whine. You sigh but lean in to kiss him as he wishes. You’re soft for this boy and you know it. When his hands find their way to your waist, you tut and pull away. “I don’t want you reopening the wound or something, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoug just whines and loops his arms around your waist, letting his head rest on your shoulder. “But babe,” he draws out the vowel, “I’m dying and I’m lonely.” You laugh at his desperation, letting your hands travel up to his chin to tilt it and allow deeper kisses.

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea? It’s not like I think you’ll be unhinged or something, but if your hand is out of commission…”

Jinyoung just presses his face even more into your neck. “Like it when you take care of me, though. I want to be pampered. I’ll even let you call me baby.” Your ears burn bright red at that and your palms get a bit sweaty. Jinyoung giggles at your obvious reaction, pressing a light kiss to your warm skin.

Though your face is red, your grip on his jaw tightens slightly. Jinyoung lets his jaw fall lax at the pressure and the anticipation of what’s to come. You lean in again, pressing a hungrier kiss to his mouth, enjoying his willingness to let you do what you want. Jinyoung’s hands find your hips, digging in his fingers but you pull away at the feeling.

“Baby, you sure?” you ask, trying out the nickname as well, and Jinyoung flushes all the way to his neck. It’s a pretty sight, and you have to refrain from leaning down and marking up the skin. Jinyoung nods, and you raise a single eyebrow. “Words, Jinyoungie.”

“Yes, please, god, please,” Jinyoung finally pleads, teeth finding purchase in your collarbone. “Touch me, please.” You trail your fingers down from his jaw to his shoulders, setting onto his lap. It’s not too comfortable of a seat, you don’t want to make him fall off the barstool, but Jinyoung just laves his tongue across your now bruising marks.

You pull his hands away from your waist, letting his hands curl around the edges of the stool he is on. “Don’t move your hands, all right, Jinyoungie?” The words are a bit heavy coming out of your mouth, but Jinyoung enjoys it, nodding vigorously and gripping the stool until his knuckles are white. “Er...maybe loosen your grip. I don’t want you to stress your wound.”

Jinyoung lets out a short laugh at your words, and your face burns but you power through. When Jinyoung opens his mouth, you press a finger against his lips. “Don’t make a sound unless I ask you, yeah? I want to make this all about you.”

When Jinyoung nods silently, you smile and give him short praise, pressing a kiss to the corner of his jaw. He squirms a little, but with a little warning nip to his neck, he stills as you trail your hands down the broad expanse of his chest to his hips. When your fingers dip into the waistband of his pants, his breath hitches, but you pull your fingers out just as fast. Jinyoung’s lips tighten a bit, willing himself to not make a sound and you giggle brightly. Jinyoung shoots you a glare but when he does, your hand presses into his crotch and instead he lets out a hiss. You settle onto his thighs as your hand creeps back into the waistband of his sweatpants. This time, even if his breath catches, you continue on your descent and slide into his boxers as well.

Jinyoung’s hips kick and you laugh at that, pulling your hands away. “You need to stay still, Jinyoungie. I can’t make you feel good if you don’t let me.” Jinyoung hisses through his teeth, letting his head fall forward onto your shoulder. You can tell he’s not above begging, so you slide off his lap and haul him to his feet.

“(Y/N), please,” Jinyoung begs, “I’m so close.” You laugh again and let his words slide.

“I know, baby, come on, we have lube in the bedroom. I don’t want to chafe your cock, yeah? I want you to feel good.” Jinyoung pouts again but lets you hold his hand and pull him toward the bedroom.

As you rifle through the bedside table for some lube, Jinyoung settles completely on the bed, back against the headboard. When you turn around, he opens his arms up and you sigh a little but settle into his lap again. However, instead of resting your weight fully onto his thighs, you stay on your knees, pulling at the hem of his pants until his hips lift up and he lets you remove his sweats and boxers.

You grab the lube and twist the cap open. It’s just about half empty but it’s all you need anyway. As you drizzle it onto your palm, Jinyoung obediently fists his hands in the sheets after you shoot him a look and a quirk of your lips. His cock is hard, drooling precum out of the tip, and you���ve hardly touched him. You feel a little pride run through your body but try not to get ahead of yourself.

When you finally have a sufficient enough amount of lube on your hand that it drips onto Jinyoung’s thighs, you finally wrap your hand around his length. Jinyoung bites his lip, drawing blood as he tries not to let a sound escape from his lips. You laugh again, leaning forward and pressing your lips against his as you twist your hand slowly, thumbing over the head of his dick. Jinyoung licks against the seam of your lips eagerly, as if trying to distract himself from the cries in his throat.

When you squeeze just right, in that way you know Jinyoung would die for, Jinyoung can’t help but moan into your mouth, and you laugh right back. You don’t cease your stroking of his cock nor do you speed up, letting Jinyoung whine and wriggle just a tad before you nip at his lips and whisper a warning, “stay still, baby.”

Jinyoung looks like he might cry if you drag this out any further, and so you take pity and sit back on his thighs again, working his dick with more fervour and watching Jinyoung throw his head back and shudder. His dick twitches violently when you rub your lube covers thumb along the veins and you smile at the sight. “Are you close?” It’s a rhetorical question, you’ve known Jinyoung long enough to know when he wants to come, but he lets a moan rip out of his throat and whines a yes anyway.

You laugh, letting your hands come down to fondle his balls. “You can come, baby.” Jinyoung’s back arches as he whines. When he lands back down on the bed with a thump, his cock finally shoots ropes of cum onto his chest and it dribbles down to your hands as well. You continue to stroke him through it, up until he whines from the overstimulation.

You wait until he finally relaxes and looks at you with tired eyes when your hand drags up his stomach, gathering the cum pooling. His eyes widen when you bring your hand up to your mouth and lick the excess off. He can only let out another breathy groan, finally letting his hands come up from the bedsheets and he makes grabby hands at you.

You laugh open-mouthed again, falling into his arms and peering up at him as he smiles back and brushes some hair out of your face. “Love you,” he whispers as he leans down to pepper kisses all over your face.

“I love you too, baby,” you giggle, capturing his face with your hands and pressing a long kiss to his lips. He doesn’t mind the taste of himself on you, just licking into your mouth and pulling you impossibly closer with an arm around your waist. “Hey, quick question.”

Jinyoung raises an eyebrow. “You just jacked me off and you want to ask me a question? What is it?”

“What’s the director’s number? I might have to have a few words with him on the matter.” Jinyoung snorts, his hands cupping your ace and stroking your cheeks with his thumbs. You pout. “He messed up my boyfriend’s hand because of his fucking incompetence. I wanna sue him, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung just leans down to give you another kiss and you willingly return it. “I love that you’re caring baby, but don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with it, yeah?” You just pout again and Jinyoung spends the rest of the day kissing it away.

[stuntgirlatthevampiremansion]

To the Rhythm of the Ocean

Pairing: Jake Kiszka/reader

word count: 2,226

warnings: first person POV, the reader is mentioned to be an artist and bisexual but it is not important to the plot. Other than that its just a fluffy day at the beach. 😊

A/n: at last, I finally wrote a fic. It is extremely self-indulgent and was inspired by some anons that @safari-karrot got that I definitely did NOT send ;). I also want to thank Kate for being my beta! I worked pretty hard on it and im proud of it. Hope you enjoy!

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Walking into the elevator of my apartment complex, I was able to let my shoulders relax and my guard down for the first time all day. The day at the studio was intense today, and for all the wrong reasons. No matter how much I tried, I wasn’t able to create anything, as if all of the motivation and drive to do my work had burned out. I was burnt out. I was lucky enough to score an apartment next door to a pair of twins, Jake and Josh, who quickly became good friends. And even more fortunate, they had come back home this week from recording with their band, which meant I could spend my afternoon with them instead of alone in my own apartment. 

I entered my house and set my bags and work down on the dining table. It was impossible to make out where the table was under pile of unfinished sketches and work plans, but that was a tomorrow problem. I put on the kettle to make some tea and shot Jake a text asking if I could come over. 

  Jake... in the last couple of years that i have known the twins, the have become an indispensable part of my life. We take turns cooking for the three of us and hosting movie nights, an even go do laundry together. Having them away for so long felt like a hole had been carved out of my soul, and it also made my harboring crush on Jake ache deeper and deeper. He was unlike anyone I had ever met, we understood each other in a way I never thought I would have with anyone, yet he was still an enigma. He was insanely talented and driven, and he was smart. And kind. And funny. And extremely easy on the eyes. I would never tell him this though, his friendship is all I can get, and I’ll learn to live with that. 

His text came back telling me that his door was open. I finished and drank my tea, washed my face, changed into more comfortable clothes, and made my way next door. 

When I came into the twins’s apartment Jake was sitting on the sofa playing his guitar, a small notebook sat on his lap. At my entrance, he sent a smile my way, but continued playing. 

“Where is Josh?” 

“He’s out filming. Why, did you need him?” 

“No, just wonderin’.” 

“You know, if you just want to hang out with me to try to get into my brother’s pants, you could have just told me. And I want no part of it. Here I was thinking we were best friends.” He teased and wiped fake tears from his eyes, but his smile said that he was just messing. That did not, however, stop my nerves. Best friend.

“I do not want to get into your brother’s pants, Jake. They wouldn’t fit me.” I took of my boots and plopped on the couch next to him. “I’m your best friend?! What about Josh, Danny and Sam?”

“That’s different, they’re my brothers.”

“Hm... I guess you’re a fine friend too, one could even say the best one I’ve had.” Friend. 

“And the best one you’ll ever have.” He set his guitar down to his other side, “how was the studio today? Any new paintings?“ 

I let out an exasperated sigh “I wish. I am incredible burned out, I can barely even pick up a pencil! I have gotten close to nothing done all week and Rachel keeps asking me out, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Rachel? What did you say?” If I didn’t know better I would’ve thought I saw pain flash across his face.

“I told her no, but that is besides the point. I’m just so out of it...” 

“You do look like you need some adventure.”

“You could say that” 

“You know what?” He got up from the couch and pulled me to stand with him. “I’ll give it to you. Go get dressed, I’ll get everything ready.” 

  “What? Where are we going?”

“If i tell you it wont be a surprise. Now go to your house and get ready.” 

“Then what do I wear?”

He seemed to think about it for a while, then said “something comfortable, but tropical.” 

“Jake, that tells me absolutely nothing—“

“You’ll figure it out. Now leave, and don’t come back unless you’re on party business.” It was futile to keep going so I just stuck my tongue back at him and walked out of the door and into my apartment. 

I settled on wearing a short blue sundress, boots, and a pair of sunglasses. I walked back into his apartment to find Jake in the shortest shorts i have even seen him wear, an unbuttoned white shirt, and his signature combination of necklaces and a bucket hat. “Are those Sam’s?” 

“No, I own shorts too.” He put down two boxes on the coffee table and looked me over once. “That is exactly what I meant! Now carry this to the car.” He handed me a box full of snacks and drinks and we made our way down to the car. 

I rode shotgun. He still refused to tell where we were headed. No matter how much I pushed and tried to wear him down, he just said to wait and find out. We got busy talking and listening to music and I gave up asking. Instead, I admired the scenery passing around us, and I admired Jake, with the windows down, his hair wild in the wind, and rocking out to our playlist. He had the ability to make me happy by just taking me on a drive. He didn’t even have to try. 

Eventually the buildings turned into trees, and the trees to palm trees, until finally we arrived at a clearing by the ocean. Jake parked the car, “We’re here!”

“You brought me to the beach!” He brought me to the beach! The ocean! The one place I loved most in the world. “I could marry you right now!” I threw my arms around him and jumped out of the car. My boots were off in a second and by the next my feet were already in the water. Jake did the same before joining me at the shore. 

“So, was it a good surprise?” I could hear his smile without even looking at him. And he knew the answer before I even spoke.

“The best! Thank you, Jake. Really.” 

We set on an easy pace through the shore, side by side. Each picking out seashells and skipping rocks on the water. The sun wasn’t unbearable, for it was afternoon. The sky was blue and almost cloudless, the only thing that altered it were the shapes of birds flying overhead. The sand was coarse and stuck to our feet, but it wasn’t burning. The sea... it was an array of the bluest blues one could imagine, all coexisting for our pleasure. Jake was glowing,  and I must have been too, I was incandescently happy. 

Back at the car, I set out our snacks and liquor while Jake put in some music. Halfway through our first meal and first bottle, Jake turned up the radio, and waited for my reaction.

“I love this song!”

“I know you do, thats why I put it.” He took our food and put it away on the roof of the car; and for the second time today, pulled me by the hand to stand. “let’s dance” 

His touch sent electric currents up my back. Best friend. “this song isn’t danceable, Jake!”

“It is if we want it to be.” And he held my hand in his and dragged me towards the clearing. The breeze was calming, the sea was a splendid blue. The waves lapped at the shore, not strong enough to disrupt our song.

Turns out, the song was danceable after all; and so were all the others that came after it. We held each other while we took turns twirling and laughing, belting our lyrics and acting out the drama of the songs. Every lick of his fingers on my skin left a burning sensation, yet I couldn't get enough. If he knew what this was doing to me... If he knew I was drunk on him and falling on every shared glance, every smile, every touch. 

The sun started its descend and our dancing got closer. He held his hands of my waist, my chest pressed against his, my hands on his shoulders as we swayed around our little ballroom of a clearing. My spine tingled, with every inhale, I got drunk in his scent of pine and peppermint.   

We got lost in our dancing, and then he got lost in the horizon. The sky had started to turn all shades of orange and pink, the water glimmered upon our eyes like tiny mirrors. A pelican flew over us and dived into the water in search for dinner. 

We had stopped moving, yet his hands remained placed at the small of my back, he looked at ease. My fingers twirled a strand of his hair, he didn’t mind. 

He looked like he belonged in the landscape, to the oranges and pinks that tinted the sky, he belonged to nature.

And I belonged looking at him, within arms reach yet so unattainable. He would always be a mystery. There was always more to him than met the eye, and even after years of knowing him, I hadn’t deciphered him completely. And I didn’t intend to, he was just like that. And he wasn’t mine to understand like that. 

If all I would get were stolen glances with the setting sun as out witness, I’d take it. Because right here, right now, the sight before me was one to behold. Jakes eyes were transfixed on the horizon, his mouth agape. The sun was finally hiding behind the waves, which mean our day was coming to an end. I tried not to think about it, I wouldn’t let the sun steal the light of this day from me. Ocean breeze ruffled his long hair, and as I saw the last light of day melt into his golden brown eyes, I knew that home wasn’t a place. Home is a person. And he was mine. But he would never know, for I doubted I’d be his. 

I was thrown out of my daydream when he slightly pulled back and chuckled. “ So home is a person, huh?” 

“I— “ I said that out loud. Shit shit shit. I just stared at him like a deer in the headlights. There was no way to dig myself out of this, so I remained silent. Though my hear was beating like a drum and I was certain that he could feel it due to how close he still held on. Best friends don’t say that. 

There was a shit-eating grin on his face, one that said he certainly knew what was going through my head. Instead of taunting me further, he said the words I’d most longed fo hear. 

“Then you are certainly mine” 

Nothing could stop the smile that broke out across both of our faces at that.  “And you mine” 

Before he had time to reply, I grabbed his face and pulled his lips to mine. There was static in the air, his lips were incredibly soft and tasted of coffee and chocolate. His mouth moved with expertise against mine, he held me close. Closer. Closer even still, until there was no space left between us. My heart was pounding, he licked at my bottom lip asking for entrance, which I gave, and deepened the kiss. My hands held on to him tightly, as if he would disappear would I let go. He dipped me slightly and I swore I would fall on the sand if he hadn’t held me. The purple sky could’ve turned bright yellow and I would have paid no attention. 

We pulled apart for air and the sun was completely gone. 

“Jake, I—“

“I know, I feel it too. I have for a while.”

“I was so scared that you wouldn't. Ive felt this way for you for the longest time, I—” 

“But I do!” 

“But you do!”

He pecked my lips and whispered close to my ear “And if you want, we’ll make it official. Right now. You and me, and a million sunsets to come.”

“I’m yours for as long as you want me, Jake.”

“And I’m yours forever, y/n. Even when i’m far away.” 

No words could describe what I felt. It’s as if my blood was replaced by honey and my ribcage contained the moon in all her love and glory.  “I wish I could stay here forever, in this moment. With you, and round the world.”

“Check the trunk.” He smiled too wide and untangled his arms from mine.

I reluctantly let go of him and walked towards the car. He tossed me the keys and I popped the trunk open to see the second box Jake hadn’t let me look into. I opened it and found all sorts of camping gear: One tent, two sleeping bags, toiletries, even pajamas. Jake creeped up behind me and slid his arms around my waist. I turned around with an incredulous grin.

“Is that a tent?!”

“That is a tent, sweetheart.”

The end.

—- A/N: I literally CANNOT write unless its in 1st POV. This is 100% self-indulgent, and I have no idea how to write a kiss. Hope you enjoyed it nonetheless! 

[thewalkingdead-fan101]

In this hell Daryl Dixon X Reader part 9/??

Hey guys! 

Its finally time for part 9, I really hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! It turned out a little bit longer than I anticipated! I hope everyone is safe, and healthy and I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Seasons Greetings! Thank you for being patient and so lovely!

Warnings- Slow burn, General Walking Dead stuff, Blood, Gore, Swearing, Shane descending further into insanity, walkers, Sophia.

I looked to my left, spotting Dale looking at me worriedly.

I place a hand on my chest, wiping my fore head with my free hand.

“I-I uh, I heard most of it.. if not all of it.” “I’m sorry.” Dale shook his head. “No, Dont be.. I should thank you..”

“Thank me?” “For showing me that, that is who my brother is now.” “(Y/n), if I’d known you were there I wouldn’t have said anything.” “I heard him threaten you Dale. I’ve noticed the change in Shane since Atlanta, You don’t have to try to cushion this.”

“I didn’t mean for you to find out this way.”

I sighed, walking over to Dale, hugging the older man.

“It’s not your fault Dale… It’s his own.” I softly spoke.

Dale had started to relax, softly patting my shoulder.

We both pulled back from the hug and shared a soft smile.

“I’ve got to go, Sorry Dale.”

“No, you go on.” He nodded. 

I turned away and made my way to the house.

I searched for my brother on the way back to see the others, sighing with relief as I don’t see him anywhere.

A strong scent drifted throughout the house, the source coming from the kitchen.

The stairs softly creaked as I made my way up to the second floor, Carol smiling at me as she noticed me.

“Ill take that for you.” She rubbed my shoulder, taking the towel from my hands.

“Thank you.” “I need to keep myself occupied, im starting to go stir crazy.” She softly chuckled, retreating back towards the bathroom.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the door to the guest room open, Daryl emerging.

“Hey you.” I smiled as I turned around.

“Hey.” He nodded, his head motioning to follow him to the room.

I sat on the bed as I watched Daryl pull his vest on over his tank.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Spoke to Hershel.” “Oh… what did he say?” 

“He don’t like me in ‘ere. Said I can go back with ya.” “Oh, is that so?” I smirked, getting up making my way over to him.

His eyes were locked on me, as if he were a hawk zoning in on its prey.

I softly placed my hands onto the front of his vest, straightening it out. I glanced up to find his eyes already fixed onto me. “What?” “Nothing.” He shook his head. I smiled as I dropped my hands from his chest, only to have Daryl’s hands reach down to get a hold of mine. I looked down, watching as my fingers intertwined with his.

“Look at me.” Daryl muttered. I glanced up and smiled once again, watching his face intently.

“What are ya’ smiling at?” “You, Im just glad that you’re okay.” “It’ll take a lot more than a dumb horse to keep me down.” He mumbled. “You’re only human Daryl.” “Nothing gets by ya’ does it?” He joked lightly.

I chuckled and playfully shoved his chest, moving toward the door.

Daryl’s hands grabbed my waist, pulling me back into his embrace as he playfully ran his hands along my sides, a squeal leaving my throat as he took advantage of his surprise assault, setting me on the bed to continue his attack.

“Daryl, Da-“ I cut myself off with a string of laughter, his fingers digging further into my side.

“No, No stop-“ I continued to laugh. After a few moments, his hands stopped as he moved them both up to cradle my face, pressing a soft kiss against my lips. I pulled back, a smirk evident. “You sure got some nerve Dixon.” I shook my head, smile tugging on my lips. He tilted his head as he looked at me. “Thinking you can kiss a lady after putting your hands on her like that.” I smirked. “Lady? I ain’t seen no lady.” He smirked back. “Oh you shit!” I laughed as I lightly smacked his shoulder, causing him to laugh the slightest bit more.

My heart swelled as I watched him laugh, truly carefree in this moment. I can’t help but think about how beautiful he is, the way his eyes slightly sparkle, and how his nose scrunches up, accenting the way his skin slightly crinkles by his eyes, and with each rumble of laughter that emits from his chest his teeth become that little bit more visible. The more I stare at him, the deeper my love for him grows.

I reached my hand up and gently brushed the hair out of his eyes. “Dont be gettin’ all sappy on me now.” Daryl teased. “It’s hard not to sometimes.” I smiled.

He rolled his eyes as he leant in for another kiss. Before his lips connected with mine, there was a cough coming from the doorway. My attention moved to the door, where I saw Hershel standing, annoyance clear to read on his features. Daryl sighed, dropping his head to rest against my shoulder briefly, before pushing himself up. “Hershel, hi.” I softly smiled. “I think it’s for the best if the two of you left now.” He nodded towards Daryl and I. “Oh, Of co-“ “Don’t worry, we’re leaving old man.” Daryl cut me off before I had a chance to say anything else, grabbing the little amount of belongings that he’d had with him in the room, pushing past Hershel.

I looked over to Hershel and stood from the bed. “I’m sorry Hershel, he-“ “I have rules in this house. Rules of which I expect the people that live under this roof, ‘guests’ included to follow.” He stated, shaking his head head as he left. I glanced down, only to see one of Daryls discarded shirts on the floor at the end of the bed. I bent down, collecting the stray shirt and left the now vacant room.

The rest of the after noon had flown by, we were all seated by the small campfire, in the middle of our tents and vehicles, eating beans and rice, courtesy of Maggies gift basket to Glenn, who still seems to be feeling bad about whatever it was that the gift pack was given to him for.

I looked over to see Lori sitting with her little family, her eyes made short contact with my own as she did a small nod.

I subtly watched Rick, noticing that he kept stealing little glances at his wife abdomen, lifting her hand to press a soft kiss against the skin there, giving her a soft smile when she looked over to him.

Daryl was sitting on top of the RV, after deciding that we needed a watch while we had the fire lit, preferring a little bit of alone time too. Glenn was sitting with Dale and T-dog, all talking about the differences in the wiring and production of Dales RV compared to others. Andrea and Carol were quietly chatting, in between myself and Shane, the latter sat beside Andrea, the most sour look on his face. I followed his gaze, only to realise that it’s his ‘Best friend’ on the receiving end of his glare. I lightly sighed as I stood, picking up my plate, collecting everyone else’s that had finished and taking it to the tub. 

“You alright there baby sis?” Shane spoke up from behind me. I continued to wash the dishes, I turned to grab his, only for Shane to pull them out of my reach. “Yeah, im fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” “Just checking up on you is all.” He smiled. “We haven’t seen much of each other.” He finished. “What are you talking about? We went on a run together this morning.” “It doesn’t matter.” He laughed.

“Okay, can you give me your dishes now?” I asked as I rolled my eyes. “No I can’t, now just listen to me, you can do the dishes later.” He chuckled passing me the dish towel to dry my hands and placing his dishes in the sink. I took the dish towel from him and wiped my hands, hanging it back over the makeshift rail we have. “What do you want Shane? Im tired and I want to finish my job and goto bed.” I sighed.

“Right, well, I uh- I found this when Andrea and I went out earlier.” He mumbled, pulling a decently sized book from behind his back. I took a step towards Shane, eyeing him and the book suspiciously. “Shane, you didn’t-“ “Shut up, take the damn book.” he waved the book up and down in front of me.

I reached out and took the book from his hands, examining the book.

The book had a thin layer of dust covering it, other than the fingerprints where Shane had previously held it. The top right corner of the book was slightly bent, the edges lightly deteriorated, the pages now a slight cream colour instead of the pristine white they once would’ve been. I blew the dust off of the cover, softly wiping it. “Your pregnancy: Week by week.” I read aloud. “Yeah, I read a little bit of the about author section, the guy who wrote it is a baby doctor.” “An OB/GYN?” I asked. “Yeah that, seems to know his stuff.” He nodded as I turned the book over to have a skim through the blurb. “Thank you.” I smiled softly, giving him a small side hug. “Dont mention it.” He replied patting my back. I pulled back and looked at him, only for Shane to now look at my abdomen. “What?” “How far along are you now?” He asked.

I thought for a moment before looking back to Shane. “How long has it been since the CDC?” “Four weeks, three days.” He nodded, his gaze moving toward the campfire. “Then that makes me-“ I paused, calculating in my head.

“Nine weeks and three days.” I finished. “Give or take a few days.” I added. “Well shit.” He chuckled. “Yeah, little bean is growing quickly, still seems like it was only yesterday I was peeing on a stick at the quarry.” I joked. Shane said quiet for a second, deep in his mind. “It was a lot different back then, I wish it was like that again.” I watched as he shot daggers at Rick. “Do you mean back when Rick wasn’t in the picture?” I asked. I heard a sharp inhale and watched as Shane’s whole demeanour changed. “No. How could you even say that?” His eyes bore into me. “Im sorry, you’ve just been acting different.” I sighed, placing the book down on the chair, turning and moving towards the tub once more. His rough hand grabbed onto my upper arm, his grip harsh as he spun me to face him. “Shane-“ “You don’t know anything.” He cut me off. “Rick is my best friend.” He sneered, his grip on my arm tightening. “Shane, let me g-“ I tried to talk. “You have no business asking this.” He looked me up and down, disgusted. “Shane.” I warned, looking around us. “You think im not happy my best friend is alive?” his grip was now tighter than it was previously, I could feel my arm starting to throb under his hold. “Shane, you need to let me go.” I stated sternly. “I’ll let you go when you let go of this stupid idea you go stuck in your little head.” He pulled me closer, speaking down to me. “Let me go Shane.” “You’ve been spending too much time with Dale.” He paused. “He is filling your head with this Horse shit!” He sneered, throwing my arm away from his grip, storming off. I watched my brother storm off, kicking the ground as he neared his tent, barging through the material. I shook my head, glancing at the book before going back to finishing the dishes. As soon as I finished washing and drying the dishes, I wiped my hands once more and moved to pick up the book, making my way back over to the small group, absentmindedly rubbing my arm. “Hey guys, im going to head to bed.” I smiled softly. I heard a chorus of goodnights, and looked over to Lori, who had looked over to me and smiled. “Goodnight sweetie.” She looked over to my arm and sent me a questioning glare. I softly shook my head, causing her to sternly look at me. I turned and made my way towards the RV. Daryls attention instantly landed on me, brow raised.

“What do ya’ want?” “I was just coming to say night.” I smiled up at him. “Ok.” “Ill see you later?” I asked, in which he only responded with a short nod. I made my way back to my tent, as I entered it I placed the book down on my bed, turning to get dressed. “Oh Jesus Christ.” I gasped, my hand making its way to my chest as I saw Lori, sitting on the small chair near my back pack of clothes, a worried expression on her face. “What?” I asked, noticing her gaze looking me up and down, before fixating onto my arm. “What happened?” She asked, standing up and making her way over to me. “Nothing, im okay Lori.” “Did Daryl do this?” “Oh my god no!” I laughed, quickly changing my tone to serious when I notice she wasn’t messing around. “No, Lori, No. Daryl didn’t do this.” “Who did?” She asked, coming closer to examine my arm.

I followed her hands as they reached out and grabbed my arm, seeing the red print on my arm, a purple shade already developing on the irritated skin.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” “Shane happened, it doesn’t hurt though.” I smiled. She lightly pressed her index finger against the skin, causing me to flinch. “It doesn’t hurt though.” She mocked, a small smile evident on her face. “What happened (Y/n)?” “We were just roughhousing.” I lied, not wanting her to get involved, well anymore than what she already is. She nodded her head, a little suspicious, but not pressing the conversation further. I took a seat on the bed and picked up the book, looking up at Lori. “He got me this.” “Shane?”

“Yeah, said he found it on a run.” “Thats surprising.” “I’d say, considering he has the ‘If it’s not essential, it’s not worth bringing back.’ Rule.” I laughed. Lori laughed along with me. “Alright Honey, if you need anything, come get me.” She hugged me. “Night Lori.” I smiled hugging her back. Once she had left, I flipped the book open, flicking through the first few weeks which were neatly typed onto separate pages, in their own chapters. It didn’t take long to find Chapter/Week Nine.

At the top of the page it had a small chart with the baby’s information, and in big bold lettering I read: 9 Weeks Pregnant; Your baby is as big as a green olive.

I stayed up and continued to read.

This is the week that your baby develops out of their embryonic stage and officially enters the foetal period.

The baby’s liver, the spleen and the gallbladder are all under construction now, as well as the baby’s tiny muscles are forming.

I absentmindedly started to caress my abdomen as I continued to read. 

While it's too early to feel any kicks yet, it's not too early to hear something, your baby's heartbeat might be audible on a doppler machine! “Yeah as if id have access to that.” I scoffed.

The spinal cord "tail" at your baby-to-be's rump has all but disappeared! Your baby is looking more and more like a tiny human.

I continue reading the next few pages, taking in all of the information about Bean, not even noticing Daryls presence until I feel an arm slide over my stomach.

I put the book down, making sure to save the page im on.

“Hey.” He mumbled into my ear, as a turned to face him.

“Hey.” “I thought ya’ were going to bed..” “I did, but I got caught up reading.” “Oh yeah? What?” “Just some baby stuff.” He nodded. “Baby Dixon is the size of an Olive.” I yawned, Daryl yawning after me. “Ain’t that big.” He said, laying on his back, moving his arm behind his head, his other arm pulling me into him, closing his eyes. I looked up to respond but heard his light snores, signalling he fell into an instant sleep. I leant over his chest and turned the dim lantern off, snuggling back into Daryl.

The next morning I woke up, seeing Daryl in a deep sleep beside me. I carefully climbed over him, checking to see if he was disrupted once both feet were on the ground, watching as he grumbled and rolled over, facing my side. I quickly dressed, pulling on some shoes, exiting the tent. I made my way to the supply tent, running into Lori who had just walked out, a toilet roll in hands. “Morning.” She smiled. “Morning.” “You need to use this too?” She asked, lifting the Toilet paper. “You know I do.” I chuckled.

We both walked away, towards the second field near the stables, tucked away in an area with a little more privacy.

“I didn’t think you’d be awake this early.” She smirked, turning around as I squatted.

“Oh really? Why is that?” I asked, as she handed me the roll, taking what I needed. “Well, your first night back with Daryl.” She suggested. Even looking at the back of her head I could sense her grin. “Nothing like that happened.” I shook my head smiling at her antics, finishing my business, standing up. I walked over to where she stood, switching positions. “So, nothing happened?” She asked. “No, we just had a little bit of small talk, and fell asleep.” “So, did you end up reading any of that book last night?” “Yeah, I read the complete chapter covering the ninth week.” 

“Anything interesting?” She asked.

“Just some key developmental points, Bean is the size of an olive though.” “He won’t stay that size for long.” She chuckled. “Trust me, it won’t be long until he is the size of an orange, then the size of a coconut and then the size of a watermelon.” She spoke. “I don’t even want to think about how much bigger bean will get.” “You know you can’t keep calling the baby bean right?” She asked as she walked over. “You need to have a name for them.” She continued. “I know. But I feel as though im going to know his or her name when I look at them.” I paused. “So for now, it’s bean.” I smiled as we walked back to camp.

We made it back to the communal tent, using a few drops of the sanitiser that Glenn had brung back from a run before leaving. As we left the tent, a stick had snapped to the right, Lori and I both looked over to see Carol coming to us, a smile on her face. “Morning Carol.” I smiled. “Morning ladies.” She responded, her basket being transferred to her other hand. “Morning.” “How do eggs sound for breakfast?” She asked, a small smile on her face as she held up the basket containing a dozen or so eggs. “Sounds good.” Lori responded as I smiled. “Need any help?” I asked. Carol shook her head. “No honey, I will manage.” She smiled, lighting the fire, setting up the rack and pan, instantly cracking the eggs and scrambling them. The door to the RV opened, Dale stepping out, his favourite mug rested between both hands as he breathed in the morning air, a smile on his features. Andrea was next to exit the RV, stretching and making her way over. Andrea walked right past Lori and I, barley acknowledging us as she made her way to Shanes tent.

I shook my head and sat down on one of the seats. “Okay guys, breakfast is getting served.” Carol called out, serving some egg on the plates. “Thank you.”  Lori smiled, grabbing three plates, sitting them on her chair. “I’ll be back.” Lori stated, walking to her tent. I grabbed two plates and smiled at Carol. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome sweetie.” Daryl was the next person to emerge, looking around grumbling and walking over, sitting on the ground in front of the seat I was in, leaning his back against the front of my chair, positioning himself between my legs. “Here.” I handed him his plate and fork. Daryl nodded in response and took his plate from me, starting to devour his meal. Carl shot out of the tent, followed by Lori, and lastly Rick, who had all taken a seat, Carl yawned as he rested his elbows onto his knees, then propping his head up on his hands, softly tracing in the dirt with his shoes. “Carl, honey don’t do that.” Lori spoke sweetly, handing Carl his breakfast, then Rick his. “Leave him be Lori.” Rick sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. “Morning all.” Shane called out, walking toward us all, sporting his police cap, bending down to grab the last plate Andrea following, her face as hard as stone almost, grabbing a sharpening block and her knife, taking a seat on the small log by the fire, sharpening said knife. I looked over to my right and watched as Glenn took a seat at the base of one of the trees closer to the house, and T-dog was crouched down by the fire, warming his hands.

We all ate in silence, Carol walking around with the pan offering leftovers to whoever wanted any. “Daryl?” She asked. “Thanks.” He nodded and held his plate out. I looked over to Glenn once again and followed his gaze to Dale, who had nodded at him. I looked back to Glenn and watched as he walked toward us all, his hands in his front pockets. “Um, guys.” He started, rubbing his face with one hand, grabbing everyones attention. “So... the barn is full of walkers.” He finished. Simultaneously, everyone had stopped what they were doing. I had stopped running my fingers through Daryl’s hair, and Daryl had looked up from his food. Andrea had stopped sharpening her knife and Carols eggs started to slowly burn. I looked over to Lori who was worriedly looking at her husband, whose expression was unreadable. Rick then stood up, Shane stepped forward. “Lets check this out.” My brother spoke loud, as he headed for the barn in question. We all followed Shane, desperate to see if what Glenn was saying was the truth. Shane was the first to make it to the barn, slowly and cautiously walking to the doors. The group stopped a few metres back and waited as Shane looked through the gap of the wooden planks. After a moment he turned around, storming towards us, scoffing.

“You cannot tell me you're all right with this.” He pushed past Rick.

“No I'm not, but we're guests here. This Isn't our land.” Rick responded. “This is our lives man!” Shane snapped, turning back to face Rick.

“Lower your voice.” Glenn spoke up, trying to not draw attention to us.

“We can't just sweep this under the rug.” Andrea said to Rick.

“It ain't right. Not remotely.” Shane paused, pacing. “Okay, we've either got to go in there, we've got to make things right or we've just got to go. Now we have been talking about Fort Benning for a long time.” He finished.

“We can't go.” Rick answered.

“Why, Rick? Why?” Shane asked.

“Because my daughter is still out there.” Carols answered. I stood forward and put my hand on her arm, squeezing gently as her hand rested on top of my own. “Okay.” Shane paused, scoffing, covering his mouth with his hands. “Okay, I think It's time that we all start to just consider the other possibility.” He nodded towards Carol. I pulled Carol closer to me, and holding her hand.

“We're not leaving Sophia behind.” Rick shook his head. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as Daryl takes a step forward, annoyance written on his face.

“I’m close to finding this girl. I just found her damn doll two days ago.” He pointed in the direction of the creek.

“You found her doll, Daryl. That's what you did. You found a doll.” Shane spoke down to him.

“You don't know what the hell you're talking about.” Daryl walked forward, chest out.

“I’m just saying what needs to be said. You get a good lead, it's in the first 48 hours.” Shane started to yell.

“Shane, stop.” Rick tried to reason, matching his volume. I moved Carol behind me and took a step forward, softly grabbing Daryls arm,  instantly knowing that with whatever Shane is about to say a brawl will most likely be the end result. “Daryl, don’t.” I whispered to him to have him shake me off. “Let me tell you something else, man. If she was alive out there and saw you coming all methed out with your buck knife and geek ears around your neck, she would run in the other direction!” Shane yelled at Daryl.

Daryl started shouting and trying to get past Rick, as was Shane. “Daryl, he’s not worth it.” I tried, grabbing his arm and pulling him back, Glenn and Rick pushing Shane away.

“Back off!” Rick called out, pushing Shane back. Lori placed her hand on his arm and went to speak.

“Keep your hands off me.” He glared at her, walking away. Rick took a moment, regaining his breath.

“Now just let me talk to Hershel.” He paused. “Let me figure it out.”

“What are you gonna figure out?!” Shane screamed walking towards Rick. “Enough!” Lori was quick to defend her husband, placing her left hand on Shanes chest and pushing him back.

“If we're gonna stay, if we're gonna clear this barn, I have to talk him into it. This is his land.” Rick spoke, his voice firm.

Dale took a step forward, looking at Rick. “Hershel sees those things in there as people.” He begins. “Sick people, his wife, his stepson.” He gestured to the barn.

“You knew?” Rick asked.

“Yesterday I talked to Hershel.” He nodded.

“And you waited the night?” Shane asked, Jaw tight. “I thought we could survive one more night. We did. I was waiting till this morning to say something. But Glenn wanted to be the one.” He defended himself.

“The man is crazy, Rick, if Hershel thinks those things are alive or no-“ Shane started to raise his voice once more, but was cut off.

I slightly jumped back as the chained doors to the barn started swaying, Loud growls and snarls coming from behind it. Daryl was quick to push me behind him, making sure to keep one of his hands connected to me so he knows I was still there. Lori ran to Carl and held him, making sure that we was okay, as Shane and Rick stared at the Doors. “Screw this.” Shane mumbled. “What? What are you going to do now? I think you’ve done enough.” I spoke up “I’m dong a perimeter check on the barn. Some one has to make sure that WE are SAFE.” He emphasised, storming off to inspect the barn.

We all made our way back to the small camp, all of us except Shane. Daryl had made sure that he had eyes on me the entire walk back, stealing glances at the barn as well as making sure I was in front of him. “Daryl, im okay, im back at the camp.” “We need ta’ talk.” He nodded toward the tent. “We can talk here.”

He shook his head and I sighed, walking to our shared tent. Upon entering Daryl had pulled me into a hug.

“Daryl, what’s going on?” I asked as I softly ran my hands along his back. “Don’t go near that barn, ya’ hear me?” He grumbled. “What-“ “Ya’ hear me?” He repeated the question. “Yes Daryl, I hear you, But wh-“ “I’m going ta’ prove that son of a bitch wrong.” He drawled out. “I don’t want you going out there!” I tried to reason with him. “I have ta’ go out there.” “No you don’t, give yourself a lit-“ “The longer I stay ‘ere, the longer that girl is out there.”  “Daryl, you still aren’t healed properly.” “Im healed enough.” He argued.

“You’re a stubborn asshole Dixon.” I paused, shaking my head. “There’s no point in trying to talk you out of this. Just please, come back to me, come back to us.” I pleaded. “Ya’ know I will.” He responded, before roughly kissing me. He took a step back and left. 

I took my jacket off and placed it on the end of the bed, leaving the tent once more and looking around. Dale was on watch, and Lori was sitting at the bench table with Carl, home schooling him.

I spotted Glenn pacing by the now put out fire. “Hey Glenn.” I called out, making my way toward him. He looked up from his feet, a worried expression painted on his face as he looked at me. “Glenn, what’s happening?” I asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Maggie.” “What about Maggie?” I asked. “She most likely hates me now. I told you guys about the Barn, She asked me not to.” He continued to ramble.

I looked over towards the Greene’s home, to see Maggie walking toward the chicken coop. “Glenn.” I tried to stop his rambling. “She asked me to not say anything-“ “Glenn.” “And instead of doing what she asked me to do, I completely ignored her.” “Glenn.” I smiled. He finally stopped rambling and looked at me. “I have three things im going to tell you.” “What?” He asked. “One: Maggie likes you, she wouldn’t have reacted the way she did yesterday if she didn’t.” I smiled. “Two: You told us something that you felt we needed to know. You’re an honest guy Glenn and that is one of your best qualities, if she doesn’t like you, that’s her loss.”                                              “That was only two.” “Im getting there.” I chuckled. “Three: Go to Maggie Glenn, Talk to her.” I smiled. He slowly nodded his head and took a breath. “Okay.” He whispered, hyping himself up. “Im going to go and talk to her.” He nodded, walking toward the house. “Chicken coop!” I called out after him, watching as he turned and ran after Maggie. Glenn was out of sight in no time, eager to talk to Maggie. I looked to my left, watching as Shane did yet another walk around the barn, stopping every few seconds, looking around and occasionally rubbing his face. I don’t know who he is anymore. My brother is changing, not the man I once knew, not the kid I spent the first half of my childhood with. He looks like an addict, wanting his fix of his addiction, instead of drugs or alcohol, its Lori.

I softly shake my head and turn away, making my way to the RV, looking up at Dale. “Do you want me to take over for you?” I called out, blocking the harsh glare of the sun from my eyes. Dale looked down and smiled. “No, it’s alright, Glenn is meant to take shift next, just waiting on the boy.” He responded with a polite nod. “Okay, if I see him again, I’ll send him your way warden.” I joked, saluting him. “At ease.” He joked back, a small chuckle being heard.

I looked over to where Glenn was slowly making his way back to us, flicking his hands toward the ground, his cap carried in his left hand. “Hey, uh, she let me talk to her.” He stated as he came closer. I covered my mouth with my hand to hide my smile, stifling a laugh, trying to regain my composure. “Oh, how did that go?” I asked, still trying hard to not laugh. “She cracked an egg in my cap..” He held his cap out, showing me the broken yolk and fragments of shell. “I see.” I nodded. “Does, does this smell bad to you?” He asked, handing me his cap. “I am not smelling that.” I chuckled. “I will wash it out for you while you go and get cleaned up though.” I smiled. “Thank you.” He breathed out. “You’re welcome, just know that Dale is looking for you.” I smiled as he made his way to get cleaned up, his eyes widened as he looked back at me. “Its my shift.” He ran to get cleaned up. Dale looked over to us and shook his head as Glenn rushed around. I took his cap to our washing area and got to work, rinsing it under the tap, and picking out the eggshells, putting a little drop of detergent and scrubbing it gently, hanging it up once I finished.

I looked over to see Dale throwing Glenn his hat, having a small conversation with the young man, then entering his RV. “Hey, (Y/n).” I looked over to where Lori was, now walking toward me. “Hey, what’s up?” I asked, placing my hands in my pockets, meeting her halfway. “I know.” She paused. “I know, that this is a big ask, but would you mind sitting with Carl for me? Just for a little bit? I’m trying to make life a little bit more normal for him, im going to go look for some books, maybe ask Patricia if she has one she could lend me.” “Yeah, of course I can.” I nodded. “Thank you, so much.” She smiled, patting my shoulder as she headed toward the house. Carl had his nose buried in his book, writing down what his mother had told him before hand. “Hey Bud.” I smiled, taking Lori’s seat. “Oh, hey.” He smiled halfheartedly, looking up from his book. “Whats wrong? You don’t look too happy to see me.” I frowned. “Its not that, I just don’t need a babysitter.” He looked down. “A babysitter? Who? Me?” I asked, pausing. “No, im not a babysitter.” I shook my head, as I pointed at myself. “I think your mom, asked me to come over here so you could watch me.” He looked at me, a small smile appearing on his face. “We all know that I can get into quite a bit of trouble, and she must’ve thought that I needed someone to make sure I was being good.” “Yeah, I won’t let you get into any trouble.” He responded, shaking his head. “Exactly! So how about you show me what it is you’re writing down?” “Mom is just doing basic maths, you know, multiplications.” “Which ones?” “Nines today.” “Oh, well did she tell you about this nifty little trick?” I began. I grabbed his hands and held them out in front of him. “Say we are looking for 9 x 6, put your sixth finger down and you’ll get your answer by counting your fingers on each hand.” “What do you mean?” He asked, looking down at his hands, his sixth finger now down. “So, how many fingers are up in front of your sixth finger?” “Five.” “Okay good, and how many are after it?” “Four.” “Now, the fingers that are up before your sixth finger is what represents the tens in units, and after your sixth finger is the single units.” “So fifty-four four?” He asked, adding it in his head.

“Yeah, My grandma taught me that little trick because I struggled with Math, she called it the FMM” “Do you miss her?” “Everyday little man, im jus glad that her time was before this happened.” I smiled and messed his hair up. “Hey!” He grumbled laughing. Carl had ended up using the method that I had taught him, occasionally sign for help with the higher problems. “Ive finished my multiplications.” He smiled. “Oh, okay good.” I smiled, checking the page where he had written it all down. “Where did mom go anyway?” He asked. “She went to find some more books.” I smiled. Carl groaned and dramatically dropped his head against the table. “This is boring.” He tilted his head to look at me. “Okay, what is something you liked at school?” I asked, scanning his work.

Carl looked up, thinking about his response, when his eyes lit up. “Yeah?” “When I could talk to my friends. You know, like I talked to Sophia.” He nodded. I looked over to him as he mentioned Sophia’s name, having to find my breath again. “Mom says Shane is scared of the walkers in the barn.” He started. “But he thinks that Sophia is dead, he wants to leave.” Carl looked down. I placed his book on the table, lifting his chin up so he could look me in the eyes. “Shane is wrong. We are not leaving okay, we will find Sophia.” I started, Carl looking away. “Hey, Carl look at me sweetie.” I called, moving his chin once again to be face to face with him. “We will find Sophia, okay, I can feel it, we’re close.” I nodded, wiping the tear from the corner of his eye, pulling him into a hug. “Okay, how about we do some division before your mom comes back?” I asked as I rubbed his back. He softly nodded against my shoulder.

Carl had flown through his divisions, proving that he was a really smart kid. “Hey you two, how are your math problems coming along baby?” Lori asked, kissing the top of Carls head. “Ew, mom stop.” He laughed trying to wriggle out of her hands.

“Did you do your nines?” She asked, taking a seat on the other side of Carl. “Yes mom, (Y/n) showed me this cool trick that her grandma showed her, its the FMM” “The what? I’m sorry.” “The Finger Multiplication Method, FMM is a better way to say it.” I answered. “I see.” She smiled, trying not to laugh. The door to the farm house had slammed shut, Rick making his way over to where Shane was leaning against the rusted tractor near the barn. The two men stood discussing, more like arguing over what our course of action would be. “Mom, can I go and help T-dog?” “Yeah honey, just don’t leave the camp.” She nodded, watching as he ran over to the RV. “What do you think they’re talking about?” Lori asked, gesturing to her husband and my brother. “Shane is probably trying to defend his wants.” “They need to agree on what to do, they need to make a decision already, it’s tearing the group apart.” She sighed. “What do you think we need to do?” I asked, now facing her. “I don’t think we should rush into anything. I don’t feel safe with those walkers in that barn.” “Lori, neither do I, but I am siding with Rick here.” I paused. “Shane wants to be right, and he is willing to get all of us kicked out of a safe place, a home.” I continued. Lori looked back towards the two men. “Lori, at the end of the day, you have to do what’s the best for you and your family.” “I know.” She nodded. I stood and went to walk away. “Wait, please.” She grabbed my hand. I looked at Lori confused, and sat back down, holding her hand with both of my own.

“Lori, what?” “I need to be honest with you.” “Whats going on?” “Before, at the quarry, before Rick-“ “I know.” I cut her off. “Shane and I-“ “I know.” I nodded my head, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. “How did you know?” She asked. “You and Shane weren’t really discreet.” I smiled. She shook her head, embarrassment covering her face. “It’s okay, I don’t care.” I shook my head, comforting her. Lori took a deep breath. “This baby, is Ricks baby.” “Even if it is Shanes baby, it will never be his baby.” She finished. “And that baby, will be loved, no matter what.” “This baby, will still have an aunt in me either way, Carl does too. You know that.” Lori nodded her head, reaching a hand up and wiping her tears as she hugged me. “Thank you.” She whispered. Lori stood up, and wiped her hands on her jeans. “I uh, I better go and get some vegetables for dinner.” She nodded, leaving to get vegetables.

I walked over to the RV, searching for Dale and Glenn, both of which were missing. “That’s odd.” I whispered to myself, climbing the ladder of the RV, picking up the rifle, pacing around the roof. Rick and Andrea had met at the cars, discussing their route. “Hey, be careful up there!” Glenn called out, running with a cup of water. “I am being careful.” I rolled my eyes. “Just hang on a second! I’ll be up.” Glenn called out, entering the RV, coming right back out and climbing u the ladder, taking the rifle from me. “What were you doing?” He asked after catching his breath. “I was covering your ass.” I paused, looking for Shane. “What happened?” I asked. 

“Andrea said something to Dale. He said he needed a minute and asked me to get him some water and that he would keep watch.” “Do you know where he is?” He shook his head. “Do you need help back down?” “No, Glenn. I can manage, thank you.” I smiled, descending the ladder. I looked over to where Andrea and Rick were talking, looking at the maps on the hood of Shane’s Hyundai. “Also shows she could be moving this way south. If Sophia kept in that direction, she might have gotten out of the forest and into the farmland.” Rick Paused, gesturing to the roads. “So we take 74 up to Ivy road, then push down south on foot through the forest till we hit Christopher, go east a couple of miles and then double back.” He finished. I watched as Hershel walked closer to Rick, pulling his sleeves up.

“Rick.” He greeted.

“Hershel. We just have our guns out because we're gonna go look for Sophia.”

“Before you do that, I could use your help with something.”

“Count me in.” Andrea nodded.

“Thank you. But I just need Rick.” Rick looked at Andrea, nodding.

“I’ll be down at the barn keeping watch until you're ready.” She nodded, tucking her gun into the back of her jeans, Rolling the map up. “(Y/n), You wanna join me at the barn?” She asked. “Oh, no. Thank you. I need to talk to Dale.” I smiled. “Okay, Im going to head to the barn. Can you put the mag in the RV?” She asked, holding the map out. “Sure.” I nodded, taking it from her. I took the map and placed it on the table, looking through the books Dale had sitting on one of the benches with a note that said ‘throw away’. I looked through the pile and noticed ‘the wind in the willows’. I smiled and grabbed it, making a mental note to tell Dale I borrowed it, not that he’d mind anyway. I looked around, looking for Carl, who was sitting on the log by the cooking pot, a stick in hand, drawing in the dirt. “Carl!” I called out, getting the young brunettes attention. He smiled as he saw me, standing up, tossing the stick aside. “Yeah?” He asked looking up. “I found this, figured it might help get you through the boredom of camp.” “What is it?” He asked taking the book from my hand. “Just a book I loved when I was your age.” I smiled. “Oh cool, thanks.” He beamed, moving back to his seat, opening the book. I took a seat near the pit and checked our medical supplies, seeing what we need and writing it down. It wasn’t very long until Shane was storming past us.

“Hey, Shane, Can I talk to you for a sec?” Carl called out, making Shane stop and turn as I looked up.

“You okay?” He asked moving towards the boy.

“Yeah. I know you think Sophia's dead. And that we should stop looking for her.” Carl paused. “Bu-But that's bullshit.” He finished.

“Hey, man, watch your mouth.” Shane started getting annoyed. I sat the small box beside me and stood up, ready to intervene.

“We're gonna stay here until we find her.” Carl told him.

“You think that's what we should do?”

“It's what I know we should do.” He confirmed.

“Then we stay. That means we got to do whatever we got to do to make that happen. Hmm?” Shane asked, an idea forming. An idea that wouldn’t be good.

“Like help out with chores?” Carl asked innocently.

“Mmm. Like help out with the chores.” Shane nodded. “Carl. Come here for a minute.” Lori called out, clearly uncomfortable.

“Why don't you go see what your mom wants? Hmm? Go on.” “Hey, Carl. Don't let me hear you talk like that again.” He called out after Carl had left. “He is just a kid Shane.” I spoke. “Yeah well he is a kid that needs to learn his place.” “That makes two of you then.” I crossed my arms. He shook his head and headed for the RV. “Shane!” I followed him. “What?” “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing!” He brushed me off. The closer he got to the RV, the faster he walked. “Sup?” Glenn called down, surrendering his hands as Shane looked at him. Shane walked into the RV and started banging around. “What’s up with him?” Glenn asked. I shrugged and waited for him to come out.

“Son of a bitch!” I heard him mumble, practically running out. He looked up at Glenn.

“You see where he went?” Shane asked. “Who?” Glenn asked. “Don't even try to shit me, okay?” He snapped. “Shane!” “What?” “Dale. Glenn. Did you see where Dale went?” He asked. “Yeah, he asked me to run and get him some water.” “He said he'd cover me on watch.” Glenn finished. “And he was gone when you got back, huh?” “Yeah. You think he's okay?” Glenn asked. “Oh, he's fine.” Shane nodded. “Why'd he bail then?” “So you wouldn't tell me which way he went.” “I don't get it.” Glenn looked at me. I shrugged. “No, man, you don’t.” He stormed off once again.

Glenn looked down at me once more, a questioning look on his face. “I honestly, don’t know.” I sighed. “Something doesn’t feel right though.” I continued as I held my hand in front of my eyes, blocking out the sun. “Isn’t that Daryl and Carol?” Glenn asked, looking over toward the tree line, headed into the forest. “Must be.” I nodded as I watched the two of their silhouettes disappear. “You alright (Y/n)?” Glenn called out. “Yeah, im fine.. Im just tired.” I nodded, taking a seat on Dales camping chair. “Are you sure?” He asked. “Im positive Glenn, Fatigue is a symptom that coincides with pregnancy.” “Oh, right.” He chuckled. I closed my eyes, leaning my head back to rest against the RV, taking five minutes to just try to relax. The sound of Glenn calling out to Maggie, quickly deciding to climb down from the RV. “(Y/n), can you cover me for a minute.” “Of course, go.” “Just don’t climb up there!” He called back, trying to catch up with Maggie. “Im pregnant, not missing a limb.” I called back, starting to climb the ladder. I bent down to pick up the rifle. As I stood back up, my head started spinning, I looked down and my hand had grabbed onto the blue camp chair. I lowered myself down and looked around my as the burred motion of my vision, slowly became more clear. I looked down to my hands, knuckles turning white as I gripped the chair, trying to centre myself. Maybe I should have listened to Glenn. As I turned to look, Glenn had taken and placed the smaller basket to the ground, gesturing around the two of them with his hands. Glenn had finished talking, moving to come back when Maggie had called out to him, walking over and bringing him in for a kiss. I smiled, looking away so I didn’t come across as a creep. Andrea was pacing in front of the barn, occasionally stopping, searching around for Shane, im assuming. “Hey, Thank you.” Glenn smiled as he climbed the ladder, joining me atop the RV. “You’re welcome.” I smiled, handing him the rifle as he held his hands out. “So, Maggie and Patricia have invited us all to the house, I asked Lori, she said we should be fine without someone on watch for a bit.” He smiled, placing the rifle down. “Oh, no, I- I can’t just stay up here.” I shook my head. “Why?” “No reason, I can stay.”

Glenn looked at me, a worried expression on his face.

“(Y/N), what’s going on?”

“It’s fine, its nothing too big.” I sighed. “Im just feeling a little light-headed.” I finished. “What?! I told you to not climb up!” He scolded. “I was fine, until I wasn’t.” “Famous last words.” He shook his head. Glenn looked around, thinking to himself. “Ill go and get some help.” He started to descend the ladder. “Glenn! No! Look, I can get down.” I stated, getting up, moving to the ladder. Glenn was already down and looking up at me. I slowly turned and started to climb down. “See, I can do it. Just have to be slow.” I smiled as my left foot hit the ground. “No more climbing up there.” Glenn shook his head. “Glenn, if I need-“ “No, no more.” He stated, guiding me down to the house. “Okay, fine.” I surrendered. I smiled as I noticed Carl was sitting at the table, with Beth and Patricia. Lori came down and grabbed my hand, taking me a little bit further away from the others. “Rick told Shane.” “About-“ I looked down. “Yeah.” “He thinks Rick isn’t built for this world, doesn’t think that Rick will survive.” “Don’t worry yourself over Shane, Lori. He will get over it. Rick will survive, you know it, I know it, the group knows it.”

“Ill be back, Watch out for Carl?” “Of course.” I nodded, I looked over to see T-dog and Andrea walking over to the house. “Do you know what's going on?” T-dog asked hands by his sides.

“Where is everyone?” Andrea asked. I made my way back over to the group and stood on the step behind Maggie.

“You haven't seen Rick?” Glenn asked Andrea.

“He went off with Hershel.” “We were supposed to leave a couple hours ago.” She finished.

“Yeah you were. What the hell?” Daryl interrupted, joining us, Carol behind him.

“Rick told us he was going out.” Carol spoke out from behind Daryl.

“Damn it. Isn't anybody taking this seriously? We got us a damn trail.” Daryl stated annoyed, throwing his right arm towards the tree line.  “Oh, here we go.” He stated as Shane walked toward us. “What's all this?” He pointed at the bag.

“You with me, man?” Shane asked, bringing a pump action shotgun out of the bag.

“Yeah.” Daryl answered, grabbing it and pumping the shotgun, resting it up on his shoulder. “Shane, what do you think you’re doing?” I asked, taking a step down towards him. Shane looked at me, a scowl on his face, looking around at everyone else.

“Time to grow up.” He spoke. “You already got yours?” He looked to Andrea.

“Yeah. Where's Dale?.”

“He's on his way.”

“Thought we couldn't carry?” T-dog asked, taking the gun when Shane handed it to him.

“We can and we have to.” He started. “Look, it was one thing sitting around here picking daisies when we thought this place was supposed to be safe. But now we know it ain’t.”

“Shane, enough.” “How about you, man? You gonna protect yours?” He held out a gun to Glenn. ”That's it. Can you shoot?” He looked to Maggie.

“Can you stop? You do this, you hand out these guns, my dad will make you leave tonight.” She tried to reason.

“We have to stay, Shane.” Carl stepped forward. Lori rounded the corner and saw Shane and all of the guns.

“What is this?” She asked.

“We ain't going anywhere, okay?” Shane looked to Carl. “Now look, Hershel, he's just gotta understand. Okay? He--well, he's gonna have to.” He stood forward. “Now we need to find Sophia. Am I right? Huh?” Shane knelt in fronton Carl. “Now I want you to take this. You take it, Carl, and you keep your mother safe. You do whatever it takes. You know how. Go on, take the the gun and do it.” Shane nodded, holding the gun out for Carl.

I reached forward and grabbed the gun before Carl could and glared at Shane as Lori swooped in and pushed Carl behind her.

“Rick said no guns. This is not your call. This is not your decision to make.” She spoke firm.

“Oh shit.” T-dog got our attention. I moved forward to take a closer look into what we were witnessing. Along the fence line we watched as Jimmy, Rick and Hershel were leading walkers to the barn. “What is that? What is that?” Shane growled as he pushed past everyone running for the three men by the barn.

“Shane!” Lori and I both yelled, protesting.

The closer he got to Rick and Hershel the more the shouting had escalated. “What the hell are you doing?” My brother shouted.

“Shane, just back off!” Rick tried to talk Shane down.

“Why do your people have guns?” Hershel had asked.

“Are you kidding me? You see? You see what they're holding onto?” Shane had started pointing at the walkers.

“I see who I'm holding onto.” Hershel corrected him.

“No, man, you don’t.” Shane shook his head. I watched as Daryl held the gun up, ready to shoot, Shane

“Shane, just let us do this and then we can talk.” Rick had once again tried to talk Shane out of his rage.

“What you want to talk about, Rick?” “These things ain't sick. They're not people. They're dead. Ain't gonna feel nothing for them 'cause all they do, they kill! These things right here, they're the things that killed Amy. They killed Otis. They're gonna kill all of us.” Shane yelled

“Shane, shut up!” Rick yelled.

“Hey, Hershel man, let me ask you something.” Shane started. “Could a living breathing person, could they walk away from this?” He asked as he shot the female walker three times in the chest. “Shane stop!” I yelled moving forward.

Daryl stood infant of me and pushed me back with his body. “Stay outta this.” He growled. “Keep her here.” He looked at Carol, who had rested her hands on my shoulders, turning back and holding the gun to the walkers head. “No! Stop it!” Rick shouted once more.

“That's three rounds in the chest. Could someone who's alive, could they just take that?! Why is it still coming?” Shane asked Hershel, shooting it another two times. “That's its heart, its lungs. Why is it still coming?” He shouted, shooting it two more times. “Shane, enough!”

“Yeah, you're right, man. That is enough.” Shane agreed, walking up to it, shooting it in the head. Hershel dropped to his knees as the walker had fallen, just watching as it lied dead on the floor. “Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's gone!” He shouted. Carol gasped as Shane mentioned her daughter, hand moving from my shoulders to her mouth. “Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us. Enough. Rick, it ain't like it was before! Now if y'all want to live, if you want to survive, you got to fight for it! I'm talking about fighting right here, right now.” Shane yelled as he ran to the barn. “Take the snare pole. Hershel, take the snare pole. Hershel, listen to me, man, please. Take it now. Hershel! Take it!” Rick shouted, trying to get Hershel to take the snare. Shane grabbed a short handled hoe, bashing against the lock on the barns door. “No, Shane. Do not do this, brother. Wait!” Rick tried to reason.

“Don't do it!” Glenn yelled. “Shane! Enough is enough! Stop it!” I screamed.

Shane had pried the lock off of the door, moving the plank securing it, leaving only the old chains. I looked around, Lori was moving Carl behind her, Maggie was on the ground with her father, her sister with jimmy. It was chaotic, everyone was shouting. The doors started opening, one by one walkers had started to pile out. Andrea and T-dog rushed forward to help Shane on the frontline, next was Daryl running to aide them. My heart ached for the Greene family, Maggie was crying and I watched as Glenn went to comfort her, she nodded and he moved forward joining in on the walker massacre, with regret on his face. Shane looked back, and shot the walker that Rick was still holding, Rick had turned around to check on Carl and his wife before looking back to the shit show in front of us. Gunshots continued to echo over the property as Daryl shot the last walker. Our group had lowered their weapons, looking over the damage they’d just done. The snarls of another walker could be heard and we all waited for it to emerge. My tears instantly fell as the little girl walked out of the barn, Carols cries, magnifying the shock. Carol had ran forward before I could do anything. “Sophia? Sophia! Sophia. Sophia. On no. Sophia. Sophia.” She tried running past Daryl, who had grabbed her and pulled her back, both of them dropping to their knees as she sobbed. “Sophia.” I moved my hand to cover my mouth, as I cried into it, watching as Rick walked forward, raising his gun. I closed my eyes as the last gun shot sounded. The sound of Carols sobs, being branded into my brain.

Series Masterlist Next Part

[shesawriter39049]

“Art Of Misbehaving” Taehyung (Smut)

Smut with a lil plot..if you squint and do 2 shots before hand… 2.5k..a mini sumthin sumthin

...A quickie if you will....

-I wrote this 2 nights ago..played with it again today..but Ive had a lot of wine soooo lol

“Taehyung” Your tone left no room for speculation, clearly indicating it was a warning, not even bothering to slightly turn around and make eye contact with him. Keeping your focus on organizing the current mess that sat in front of you yet his hand continued the grasp it held on your ass,. Actually this time around digging his nails into the thin fabric of your cotton dress, giving your cheek a nice firm squeez. Pressing his hips flesh against your ass, clearly unphased by your current lack of interest  “Yes?” it was actually comical how nonchalant  his response was..as if he had no idea why you were referring to him in this manner. Reaching down to grab his wrist, swiftly tugging him behind you so his back was now pressed against the edge of desk currently spread out with everything you needed to get the boys ready tonight. Purposely ignoring the slight growl that left his throat, as you postionied your body between his legs. Eyes flickering over to make sure the door was closed, it was only a matter of seconds before those sinful fingers of his were digging into your waist “How many times...will I have to tell you to behave this week Kim Taehyung?” Brow arched slightly at the question, as you cocked your head to the side, locking your eyes with his which were shameless fucking you as we speak. “Mmm, I don’t know you do know English isn't my first language right?” A hint of playfulness danced along his voice, which was sitting undeniably husky... a sly smirk moved up his face, as he watched your reaction. You couldn't help but snort at his response shaking your head slightly, trying to hide the smile that was tugging on your lips “What the fuck has gotten into you lately?” Gazing back at you doe eyed as if he had no idea what you were referring to, rolling your eyes at his current state of “confusion” even though you knew damn well he was well aware of what you were referring to.  “Don’t act brand new Tae, for one you've been getting a little too handsy lately ..especially around the boys..” Letting your fingers trickle down his chest, purposely toying with him at this point, tilting your head slightly lips brushing against his as you spoke. Pulling away every time he’d try to lean in closer “And more importantly, you've been walking around stage, the past two nights doing the absolute most. Tongue out every two seconds, grinding and body rolling to song that don't require either of the two….like...I swear you grabbed your dick during fake love last night...so again I ask, what the fucks gotten into you?” The look of smugness on his face was priceless, no shame in your words not even disagreeing..one hand leaving your waist to palm your ass as he slowly slid his tongue along his pouty bottom lip. “Maybe the question should be...what havent I gotten into recently….” Ahhh so that’s what this was about...the two of you occasionally hooked up..with the lifestyle you both lived to was impossible to date. Obviously way harder for him, so every once in awhile..the two of you..”Helped each other out” . But it wasn't a regular occurance and it’s been a good oh I don't know 2 months since you've touched him.

Humming out in response as you leaned in..pressing your body flesh against his..brining your hand up to take a grip on his electric blue locks you recently dyed for him. Yanking his head back slightly, causing a another growl to waver up his throat..bringing your lips over to the side of his neck “Oh, so that’s what this is about? Baby boy hasn’t gotten his dick wet in a while so he’s decided to act up? Is that the game were playing?” Letting your tongue curve along the edge of his jaw..making your way over to his ear..kissing your way down to his neck. “Fuck..” fell from his lips with almost a hint of neediess as you started suckikng on the base of his neck..I guess you’d need to get him in the makeup chair first tonight. “What? Is there something you want?” Pulling back from him...your gaze almost innocent as you batted your full set of lashes up in his direction. Bringing his opposite hand down to slide under your dress..guiding him to feel how wet you already were..letting him know you missed him as much as he did you. Purposely letting a slight moan leave yours lips as you started to rock against his hand..” Fuck, baby your killing me right now…come onnnnnn” he was almost whining at this point which was somethat rare but not really..with you..he'd let you take control more often than he probably would with anyone else. There wasn't any point in trying to put up a front, it was more than obvious you were just as horny as he was, you two just had to make it quick. There was maybe a good 30 minutes before the body would need to start getting ready for the show “Make sure the doors locked and then go sit on the couch…” Voice dropping down to nothing more as a whisper..as you teased his bottom lip with your tongue, before patting his thigh indicating you were ready for him to move. Sinking his bottom lip between his teeth, as he slowly slid his hand from under your dress. Making sure to let his middle finger take a nice slow drag up your clit through your panties on his way out. Eyes undressing you slowly as he started walking backwards towards the door, the outline of his dick seemed as though it was radiating through his jeans. There mideswell be a spotlight on it at this point, you studied his fingers as they danced up his length slowly before turning around to do what you originally asked. A smug smirk  laid along his lips as he watched how captivated you were by him, almost able to feel your eyes burning through his back as he headed to the door . Thank God  it was already locked, walking over to take a seat on the couch, posture laxed,legs spread,  as he ran his fingers messly through his hair. Palming his length your his jeans as he watched you sway in his direction, neither one of you daring to break eye.

Positioning yourself in between his legs..the sight alone already had his cock twitching, taking a moment to massage your hands up his thighs, purposely taking your time. Occasionally letting  your fingers brush over the bulge pressing through the fabric of his jeans which I’m sure felt more than uncomfortable at this point. “Baby, please stop teasing me…” Eyes fluttering down in your direction, the base in his voices echoed off the walls, there was something extremely sexy about how almost submissive he was currently. I guess that was enough to get you to ease up...a little, finally reaching over to slid his jeans down his thighs, letting them rest at his ankles. Fuck, he was already so damn hard, you swore you could almost feel him stretching his way through your walls as you continued palming him through the thin fabric of his Calvins. A slight moan leaving your lips as you felt the heat continuing to pool between your thighs.“Baby stop! Im so fucking hard right now I need you, I need to be in you, it’s been too fucking long..” Massaging the back of your neck, tightening his grip slightly gesturing for you to straddle his lap,  yanking your head away from him slightly ignoring his request much to his dismay. Slipping his cock through the zip within his underwear. Letting your eyes lock with his as you kissed your way up his length suctioning your lips around him, pressing your tongue flat against the tip, before sliding your way down to the base. Not stopping until you reached his balls..you could feel how hard he was pulsing beneath you, simultaneously making your walls ache at the same time. “You're sure asking for a lot considering the fact that you havent listened to a damn thing a said all week.”  Slowly licking up your palm before moving over to fondle his balls, as you wrapped your lips around the tip, sucking it into your mouth,moaning out against his length as he started to slowly fuck your throat “Maybe- fuck..” Needing a moment to get his shit together once you started relaxing your throat allowing him to slide in even deeper. Noticing the sudden pitch change in his voice as he spoke “Maybe, I was just doing it to get your attention, you know you fucking loved every second of it. Isint that apart of why your pussys so wet baby?” Continuously massaging the back of your neck, moaning out against your touch, as you took him in a little deeper this time. Almost purposely taking him to the point of making yourself gag, the way he was  moaning above you let you know he was already puddy in your hands. Releasing him from your lips with a “Pop” swirling the pre-cum around his tip as you spoke  “I do, but I also love when you listen to me, and I guess you forgot how to do that..” Moving up to straddle his lap, slipping your panties to the side..positioning yourself right against the tip.  “I’ve had to tell you far, too many times to behave Mr. Kim...you know how much I hate repeating myself” Your tone was low, sultry , as you took him in your hand..teasing yourself by rocking his length up and down you folds coating him in your juices…”God I love how thick your cock is …” Purring out against his bottom lip as he looked down at you through heavy lids, hands finding their place on your hips..”Na uh..hands off until I say otherwise...since you wanna act up..were doing this my way this time..” -”Baby-”  Silencing his protest the moment he felt you slowly slide your way down ..taking him past the head before purposely  clenching around his length. “Oh my go-” Eyes immediately squeezing shut once he felt how tight you are, how warm you are, fuck how wet you are…. physically able to hear the sound of your juices sliding against his cock.  Bouncing slightly, each time taking him in a little further, yet you still didn't let him bottom out.

Bringing one hand up to his jaw..stroking it with your thumb “Look at me…” This time around..even though you were trying to play it cool, you were the one that needed a moment to adjust. Not even able to control how hard you were pulsing around him, or how intense the feeling became of him molding himself into your walls. “Fuck, Tae,” Reclining your neck slightly as you sucked your own fingers into your mouth bringing them down to circle your clit so you could take him fully.. Instantly connecting his ips to the sensitive patch right beneath your ear..kissing his way down your neck ” Fuck, that’s it baby, let me in ,let me alll the way in . God you feel so good so fucking warm,what the fuck are you tryin to do to me goddamn.” Leaning forward to slide your tongue into his mouth trying to muffelt the cries that were leaving your body once you finally sat flesh against him. Your walls were pulsing painfully hard, not realizing how needy you were until you found yourself involuntarily milking every inch of his cock as you sat stationary on his lap. Kissing him deep, almost somewhat sloppy, just needing something to distract yourself long enough to regain some of your self control, while your moans got lost along each others tongues . Thighs already trembling from how thick and full he felt but you goal here was to ruin him..so that’s what you were going to do. Slowly starting to bounce up and down his length, shifting your weight to the back of your hips..almost perking your ass up as you bounced. Allowing yourself to slide out almost completely before slamming your pelvis into his. You could tell how hard he was struggling, his moans were almost over shadowing yours as you were now purposely squeezing your walls around him every time you slide back down. “Baby fuck, you need to slow- fuck..your gonna make me come...oh my god” He almost sounded as though he was in a slight panic as he breath waivered, moving one had up to take a grip on the hair that was falling in his face. It took everything in him to not touch you, and slow down rhythm with the way you were riding him there's no way in fuck he’d last much longer. At this point he completely had to break away from the kiss almost as if he couldn't breathe as his head rolling back on his shoulder digging his teeth into his lip so hard he almost drew blood trying to muffle himself.

As you started to actually grind your hips into his, keeping a deep wave like motion making sure to rock your clit against his pelvis every time. You could tell you were literally dripping down onto his balls, you were so wet. And for good reason his cock could hit every spot perfectly filling you to the brim every time, brining your hand over to cradle the back of his neck. Using it as a achor so you could recline slightly giving yourself a little more freedom to ride him the way you wanted. The way you needed…”God Tae, I forgot how good you feel, fuck, your sooo fucking hard baby you wanna cum don’t you? You wanna fill my pussy up, so I can walk around all night with your cum dripping out of me” Reaching for his hand, brining it down to your ass letting him know he could finally touch you like he’s been dying too. Adjusting his posture slightly so he could  snake his tongue into your mouth, using grip on your waist to his advantage..slowing your rhythm slightly “You know I won’t cum until you do, but If you want me to last you gotta ease up baby, fuck…” everything was slurred against your tongue but you got the message loud and clear, grabbing his hand from your waist pressing it against your clit. “Well how about you put these fingers to good use and-”

He didn't even give you time to complete the full phrase before he was working you with his fingers. A cry hiccuped from your chest causing everything you were trying to say to get trapped in your lungs as your thighs started to shake throwing your rhythm out of whack. Bringing his opposite hand down to your waist, starting to guide your movements once he could feel how close you were and the lack of control you currently had. If were being real here he was technically in control the entire time, the power he held over your body was almost scary. The minute his fingers touched you, you melted  into his touch, every nerve in your body felt like it was on fire. Your release suddenly  dangling right in front of your face. “Oh my god Tae..”  But instead of easing up he was actually grinding you down into him harder..deeper, while still managing to work your clit. Head dropping into the crook of his neck, as you clawed at his chest, not even able to fight the sudden switch in power. “Since I've been misbehaving all week I mideswell  continue and finish this my way, come on..come for me baby..”  The pace he maintained , while grinding his hips up into you, in combination to his fingers edging your clit you didn't last more than maybe three thrust before you found yourself falling apart onto of him. “Tae baby I’m -”  Choking out a silent cry as your teeth dug into his chest, walls continuously milking him from base to tip. “Fuck, that’s it baby, I’m almost there, gonna fill your pretty pussy up with my cum just like you wanted. Keep going, keep cumming for me, ride this out with me baby. “  Removing his hand from your clit, laying one around your waist while the other cradled your neck. Allowing him to thrust up; into you even harder this time, actually bouncing you against his lap, slamming you down with so much force you swore you could feel his dick in your damn lungs. “Fuck-fuckf-fuck” dropping his head into the crook of your neck as he spilled out into you. Your entired body shuddering as his orgasim ripped straight through him and ricocheted onto you.

You could feel him laying light buffly kisses all along your shoulder, as you both just laid there panting heavily as your bodies came down. “Hey Y/n?” Humming out in response because that’s all you could muster up at the moment “Just so ya know I’m still probably going to the the most tonight...I might even throw a body roll or two into Apanman…not gonna lie” Raising your head from his chest slowly, narrowing your eyes in his direction once he said that.  “B I’m glad to know all I have to do is act up and you'll fuck me…” Shooting you his world renowned boxing grin as he palmed your ass “I swear to god Kim Taehyung if I even see, a hint of a body roll during a song..about a superhero.. you and your hand better get well fucking acquainted.”

I’ll probably toy with this again later but for now...here she is! Lol hopefully you guys liked it

Love you as always,

Rocki

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Kinda Not Gay (Craig x Reader)

A/N: so im not really that big into the Craig group (at least not as much as i am in love with Cartman and the gang), and i do know Creek is canon (love them sooo much), but this is a Craig x reader. I wrote it based off of another quote just for fun.

“He smiled, and all I could think was ‘Oh, shit’.”

-Unknown

Craig Tucker was a big, stupid jerk. Everyone knew that. I don’t know why I became his friend in the first place. Maybe it was because he hung out with my childhood friend Clyde, and I was miserably lonely. Or maybe it was because he bought me a cup of coffee in Tweak Bros. when I forgot my wallet. Maybe it was just because our personalities worked together.

I have to admit, as stupid as it sounds, I like him. I’ve had a crush on him for a long time, maybe three years. I know it’s not wrong to like him, and it’s not my fault, but I still fucking hate it. I hate having a crush on him because I know in no possible way will I ever have a chance with him.

He’s gay, Y/N, what the fuck.

I leaned on the heel of my palm as I listened to Clyde drone on about football at the diner, squished between Tweek and Craig. I don’t know how I got smushed between the two gay lovers, but it happened. I felt so awkward, sitting there beside my crush and his secret boyfriend. Was I going to die? No. Did I want to? Abso-fucking-lutely.

“Y/N, are you good?” Craig asked me, bored as always. I snapped out of my thoughts, realizing that I had a deep frown on my lips. That’s another thing I liked about Craig. As much as he hated everyone, he still took the time to check up on me and ask how I was doing when he thought something was up. He rarely did that with anyone else...well, besides Tweek.

I smiled over at him weakly, nodding with just barely enough energy to seem real. He sighed, snatching up my hand and yanking me out of the booth. A yelp escaped my mouth as I stumbled after him. He didn’t have to pull me that hard; I almost face planted into the corner of the table...idiot.

Clyde looked up at us and blinked in surprise. “Hey, where you guys going?”

“None of your business. Don’t follow,” Craig replied swiftly. He then proceeded to drag me further away from the booth. I didn’t mind his hold on my hand. In fact, it felt great. If not for the fact he was gay and I was totally getting the wrong idea.

He sat down in one of the two person tables by the window and urged me to sit across from him. “What’s wrong with you?”

“It’s nothing, Craig,” I groaned, rolling my eyes. “God, you always think something is wrong.” And he was always right. I would never admit to that though.

“Shut up. You know I’m right.”

I whined, turning to stare at him. He watched me impatiently for a reply, giving in to his demands. “Fine, you asshole, there is something bugging me.”

“What?” he questioned immediately.

I sent him a glare, crossing my arms tightly over my chest. “Why do you even care?”

He answered as if it were obvious, crossing his arms over his chest to mirror me. “Because you’re annoying when you pout like that.” To this, I stuck out my middle finger, receiving the crude gesture right back. “So, what’s it this time?”

I groaned, my cheeks turning red within a couple seconds. In all honesty, I was thinking about how much I wanted to make out with Craig right in that booth a few minutes ago, but I couldn’t just say that. What was I? Crazy?

 “It’s a guy.” It was an honest answer, but it only danced around the truth.

He smiled as he watched me curiously. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me, but if his smile wasn’t the most attractive thing I’ve ever seen...Dammit. He said, “What? He doesn’t like you back or something?”

“Not just that...He’s gay.”

“Really?”

“Yes! But don’t judge me! He’s a very good friend and he cares about me. I hate that I like him, but it happened,” I defended myself, my bottom lip sticking out in that famous pout that I was so famous for having. He only chuckled, rolling his eyes.

He rolled back his shoulders and looked out the window. “Gotta say, you liking a gay guy is better than you having a crush on Cartman or one of his friends.”

I placed a hand over my heart and gasped at his insulation. “I would never!”

We continued to talk in that little two person table for about an hour. I think we both forgot that our friends sat in the booth across the dining hall. I was just happy he was spending this time with me, and he didn’t seem to mind. By doing this, I was only digging my grave further. I would fall deeper into his eyes and his smile, and it would be the end of me.

Because...no matter how hard I tried, he would never feel the same way.

_________________

“So, Y/N, you gonna tell me who you like, or what?” Craig asked as we sat on the bus going home. He leaned up against my shoulder impatiently once again, trying to pressure me into telling him. No matter how hard he tried, or how many times he asked, I was definitely NOT going to tell him.

Simple as that.

I rolled my eyes, leaning further against the window and hugging my bag to my chest. “God, Craig, what are you? Twelve years old? Stop asking,” I scolded him. He sighed, giving up and leaning back into the hard bus seat. Ever since I told him I liked that guy, he’s been asking me every day who it was, and when I didn’t tell him, he would act like I offended him or something. It was irritating, but tolerable.

I decided to turn the tables.

“Craig, do you like someone?”

He was surprised at the question. He turned to me, his eyes wider than usual. He definitely had not expected me to retaliate like that. Maybe now he would understand how annoying it was when someone bothers you about your crush all the time.

“Yeah. So what?” he replied gruffly, turning his face to glare at the walkway on the ground.

I smirked and leaned closer, my face warily close to his. I could feel the heat radiating off of his cheeks as his face reddened. “Who?” I teased, my breaths hitting his ear. He was gay, so I knew this probably wouldn’t bother him. If I’d done this kinda thing to Clyde or Token, they would probably get the wrong idea.

He blushed, probably thinking about his crush and how much he loved them. Of course, I knew he liked Tweek, I was just messing with him to give him a taste of his own medicine.

“Fuck you, Y/N. I’m not telling you.”

I hummed, the smirk still resting on my lips. “Uh huh. So why do I have to tell you who I like?”

“Shut up. I’ll tell you eventually, just not right now. I’m not sure of myself yet.” Oh, so he was unsure about his sexuality. That was pretty obvious. Still, I just wanted him to say it so I could get over this miserable crush. I mean, I know he’s into Tweek deep down, but I needed him to say it to fully feel the rejection.

I tossed my arm over his shoulders and poked at his cheek. He flashed me the bird once again, and I sent on right back, the smile only growing on my cheeks. He turned a shade red darker, and I laughed harder. Damn, he must really be embarrassed about his crush.

He should be happy. At least he had a chance, unlike my dumb ass.

______________________

It was late, about nine, just before closing. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think about anything except for my terrible, awful crush on my best friend. Alone, I sat at the corner booth in Tweak Bros., exhausted and reading the label on my coffee cup, which was turning cold as the time passed.

The sun had set two hours ago, and that left me in the dark, my face illuminated by the hanging light above the booth. Dim and yellow.

As I was staring down at the table, my palms circling the cup to ease the shaking of my hands, Tweek sat across from me, his own cup of special coffee in his trembling fingers. “Y/N, y-you okay? Y-you aren’t u-usually here this late?” he jittered, making my eyes lift to look into his own. He was such a sweet kid, and as much as I detested his relationship with Craig, I could never bring myself to dislike him.

I smiled at him, but I felt like I was going to cry. “I’m fine. Just can’t be at home right now, I guess…”

“O-oh. Why?”

“I have someone on my mind,” I confessed without hesitation. Tweek would never tell anyone I had a crush on someone. He was a good friend like that. A real bro, you could say. The smile on my face started to fade as I pressed my cheek to the palm of my hand. “You know, a stupid crush.”

He smiled nervously. “R-really? You-you like him that much?” he asked.

I frowned, turning my face away from him to look out the window at the nearly empty streets. Not many people were out this late on a Tuesday night. I was already consumed by this damn infatuation for Craig, so I wasn’t afraid to say it. “Yeah. I think I’m falling hard for him,” I whispered, as painful as it was to let those words drip from my tongue out into the open.

“Is it Craig?”

My head snapped up to look at him, fear plain in my expression. How had he guessed that so quickly? Did he know something I didn’t? Was he suspecting this the entire time? Was he jealous I liked his boyfriend, and wanted to scold me for it? I didn’t understand how this could be happening, and my chest rose and fell heavier than before.

“Tweek, what-”

“C-clyde and Token make fun of C-craig all the time because t-they think y-you two are dating or-or something,” he explained himself, his fingers anxiously wrapping tighter around the styrofoam cup in his grip.

At this point, I was scared. What if he was angry at me for doing this? For creating these rumors that his lover was interested in someone else, his good friend at that. I felt my chest tighten at the messy situation I was thrown into so quickly.

“Listen, Tweek, I’m really sorry. I swear, I’m not trying to steal your boyfriend from you. I’ve been trying to smother this crush, but I just-”

“Craig and I a-aren’t dating! W-We tried, but it didn’t work,” he clarified, giving me a wide eyed stare. “He-he said he liked someone else.” I stared back at him for a long time. We were both silent, except for the shaking of our hands and the soft taps of rain hitting the window  beside us.

I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly shut it. Tweek and Craig weren’t in love with each other. They weren’t dating, More importantly, Craig liked someone else.

Maybe, just maybe, I was that someone.

Slowly, I slipped out of the booth and stood up, my eyes staring down at my shoes. I mustered out a few robotic words, my mind too focused on the new possibility. “Thank you, Tweek. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I had a chance. Even if it was barely there, a shot in the dark, I actually had a chance.

______________________

I sat curled up in the car beside Craig, who was driving the two of us to a fair out of town that his mother was working. She told us that we had to be there are around one, since that was the time if opened to the public. She left early in the morning though to start set up. That meant it was just the two of us, alone in his dad’s truck, the radio droning on through the silence.

He peered over at me for a moment, and then back to the road. “Is something wrong?”

“No, I’m fine. Just thinking,” I brushed off his question, even though I knew he was going to force me to elaborate. He always did that.

He hummed, “About what?”

“You.”

He froze for a second, but tried to play it off a moment later as casually as he could. But he sounded nervous, nonetheless. “Me?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Tweek said you liked someone. I know you said you wouldn’t tell me, but I really want to know.”

I didn’t think he would give in to my request, but when he sighed and spoke up, I was more than shocked. I was pleased that he was confiding in me, but the impending doom that lingered in the rejection I would face left me torn. “I’ll tell you about her, and if you guess right, I’ll let you know.”

Her. He liked a girl. My theory this entire time was wrong. There was a tiny chance for me left.

“Okay.”

He took a breath as he made a right turn on an empty street. “She’s got h/c hair and e/c eyes. She’s friends with all my friends. We hang out all the time, and I’ve known her for so fucking long I can’t even remember how we met. She’s really moody and confusing, but she tells good jokes. She doesn’t get mad when I flip her off either,” he told me, smiling as he did so. “She’s really my best friend, as fucking sappy as that sounds…”

I looked down at my hands in my lap and thought for a long moment. I didn’t want to sound conceited, nor did I want to assume anything based on my own bias, but I really had this gut feeling.  “Craig...are you talking about me?” It was so tentative, my question. I waited for a reply as I watched his expression turn crestfallen.

“Shit, you’re a good guesser,” he chuckled awkwardly.

“I really like you, too. I’ve always liked you.”

He stopped the car, pulling to the side of the road. His eyes were wide, and he had to stop himself from smiling like a damn idiot. “Y/N, are you serious?”

“Why would I lie about this?” I stared at him, and he looked right back into my eyes. I felt like there was so much to say, but I was too overwhelmed to say a thing. He bit his lip, his eyes trailing to my own. Subconsciously, my tongue ran across my lips, and he turned a deeper red.

“Y/N, I want to kiss you so bad right now,” he breathed. I couldn’t move a muscle as he leaned close to me, only an inch between us. His hot breath hit my lips, and he teasingly froze there for a moment. Then, he pressed his lips to mine. I couldn’t help but let my hands rest on the sides of his neck as his palms pressed to my face, rubbing soft circles along my cheek bones with his thumbs.

He pulled away after a few minutes, struggling for air. I sighed blissfully, leaning my forehead against his. He smiled. “By the way, Y/N. I’m bi, not gay.”

I laughed happily and pulled him closer once again, my lips hovering over his. “Yeah, I figured.” And then, I kissed him again. And again. And again.

[wwoofcsa]

My weekend with pet

During my week with karla, i noticed (because it was pretty obvious) that i couldnt stop talking to petrina. We were like teenagers, messaging back and forth all day, day dreaming of one another and sharing everything under the sun. I was madly in love, like fall on your face in love with this girl and a plethora of bizzare things were circling our relationship (all of them super cosmic and hard to explain) that just gave me more reasons highting the importance of this relationship at this time. After intense and hilarious conversations, a thought popped in my head, maybe id buy a flight down to KL to see her for a few days? We chatted about it, but i was still feeling hesitations, i was afraid to let go and indulge in this realtionship. My entire life, im trying to find balance, and i was afraid that i was falling too deep into desire. BUT, after some conversations, i surrendered and jumped into the pool of love and bought my flight. A few days later, after pai, i was driving to the airport in chiang mai, hopping on the plane, and arriving in KL. I couldnt fucking wait! So i arrived, and we eased gently into one another, this was the first time we’d really spent time alone together, without any other stimulation to entertain us. But we eased smoothly the first night, as we laughed and talked and eventually fell asleep. The next morning we had planned to trip together. We had spoken about stepping a bit further out into the universe and taking a tab and a half each, and then adding some mushrooms on top. So we went and got some breakfast, made some food, set some intentions, and took the dive together. I lead the death meditation for her, and it felt like a  really lovely start to our trip. And there we went, our rocket ship left the atmosphere and the next ten hours were an intense explosion of connectedness, realizations and honoring the intriguing relationship that fell upon us. There were times that we held eachother so tight, that it was like we were a meteor flying through space, inpenatrable on the outside, but safe and gentle on the inside. It was as if i had lived multiple complete lives with petrina. Each life, a completely seperate reality, similar to mr. nobody. In one life, we were two kids that met each other and were full of lust. In another, we were partners with a child, all of us covered in with shalls and warming up by a fire in the winter of northern thailand. Another life, petrina was my daughter and i was letting her know how much her mother (petrina) and i loved her. 

The trip was incredibly powerful and intense, and near the end, we became slightly more sexual. Neither of us spoke, and i noticed that i wasnt sure what she was wanting from me. There were definitly signs that she desired pleasure, but at the same time it felt like a very surface feeling. I noticed that she wasnt recipricating touch, and that although we were being sexual, there seemed to be a slight distance making its way between us. Near the end of the trip, i started thinking about some of the things i had said earlier on, and that perhaps some of the things i had said earlier, may have caused a feeling of her needing to distance herself. I tried to open up and share and process the trip, but i could see that she was holding back a bit. I told her whenever she was ready to share, id love to hear. We fell asleep and the next morning she went to shower, closing the door and i could feel a continuance of the distance. It dawned on me that only a few days before, i was wearing the mask she was wearing of distance, and now it was my turn to feel the other side. I realized then, that neither of these roles were mine to play, and that mine was a secure one, and that i wanted to continue handling the situation from a place of truth and compassion, and not from anxiety and insecurity. So i meditated a few minutes as she showered, and when she came out, i asked if could share with her. She agreed and listened intently as i explained that i had noticed my mind finding insecurities, and only weeks ago i was on the other side of the coin. I realized that while i wanted to give her love, i never want to hold her back from anything, and that i really just wanted to make the most of our short time together. I wanted to end our beautiful weekend on a note that would send us into the world feeling good, and not one of regret and feeling foolish. I wanted to face my feelings, and confront them. I told her i was sorry, cause she expressed that she wasnt great with confrontation, but if we were gonna have a relationship of any kind, this is how we gotta do it. 

Pet was incredibly receptive and opened up a great deal about how she was feeling the night before. She opened up and we talked about the lust we were feeling the night before, and how it didnt feel great, that i wanted to give her love, but it felt cheapened by lust. I pointed out that i noticed she hadnt even touched me, and while that was ok, it just felt as if i was giving and she was receiving, instead of us mutually sharing love. The day continued on and our relationship truly blossomed. I learned the importance of communicating from a secure place, of not attacking, and not trying to pin my feelings on external events occuring, rather just to express my feelings and intentions. It was truly a game changer. We had a fucking blast the rest of the day, laying together in bed, getting coldstone ice cream, and going to see the new spiderman movie. 

Spiderman was hilarious, as we didnt realize that it was a cartoon. We arrived at the theater a few minutes late, and couldnt figure out what was going on. We left the theater and asked someone if we had made a mistake but the employee assured us that we had entered the correct theater. After reentering, we did some quick google searching and concluded, that we had in fact chosen to go see an animated spiderman, but since we were already there, we might as well enjoy it. And we did. It was a fucking awesome movie. I realized that night, that it didnt really matter what we were doing, as long as we were hanging out together, i was happy. 

A beautiful weekend of celebrating ourselves, with the lovely petrina

Things i learned from my acid trip with petrina.

There was this feeling in the depth of my being, that a large chapter of my life was coming to a close, and that this next chapter was about to commence. I could feel this third of my life, the third where i was making decisions for me and only me, was ending, and i was entering a realm where i would truly feel comfortable to make desicions that considered not only myself, but also others around me. Thats not to say that that hasnt happened in the past stage, but this would be the predominant work of this stage. A stage of giving back. As if the early ears of my life were focused on taking and utilizing resources from my parents and the world around me, and then i left for israel and i started thinking about caring for myself and taking less from those around me. I focused on learning and diving into the things that were interesting to me, and filtering a many great things that were interesing and letting those core healing practices emerge organically. I now feel like im arriving a stage, where i can truly allow for opportunites to come, that will help me dive to the depths of some of these realms that ive started digging in. Whether its a 21 day meditation course, or a month long ayuhasca retreat, im reading to get deeper. In addition, my relationshpi with petrina highlighted a desire that i had for a family, one of these days, a most unconventional family, and i believe that in this chapter of life, i will start to arrive to a place of emotional stability and groundedness.

In addition, i had an interesting experience, as i was showering during the trip. I could feel, very clearly, how much energy i had been storing in my dreads. This was stale energy that id been carrying around with me, weighing down on me for weeks, through pai and chiang mai. It was a profound experience, washing away all of this old, stale energy that was no longer serving me. I cant even explain how much lighter i felt after the shower, after coming to the understanding of just how much we carry with us and within us from the past and if we dont take time to cleans and wash, it really does build up.  it was awesome (like actually awe-some)

Another huge take away, was was omni present during the entire trip, was the idea of depth. I think for my entire life, ive been searching for depth, in almost everything that i do. Ive been trying to find tools to allow myself to experience the world in a more subtle and deeper way. During the trip, i feel like a door was opened that allowed me to see just how deep things can be in relation to how deep i have been living. It was truly humbling to see just how much of the mountain i had left to climb, but to see that there was a direction and deeper conciuosness (ironically, weeks later i would start my ayurvedic yoga/bodywork therapist trainging, where i would be consistantly practicing going to the depth of myself and of the world around me.)

Indulgance vs. discipline vs. balance

Lastly, something that petrina brought to my life, was this question between when its right to let go and indulge, when its right to hold back and be disciplined and how to find the balance between them. Obviously if you are always disciplined, you lose out on letting go, and living in the moment to some degree. On the other hand, if you are always indulging, it may be harder to reach a more sublte reality, or a deeper path.

An example of this would be, if i ate the entire cake by myself, i would miss out on a much deeper experience of sharing with others (a more eudonomic happiness vs. just sensual pleasure), or i would be trading sensual pleasure for pain and discomfort in my body later on. Or very simply, giving into sensual pleasures constantly, will be atempting to fill a void, that will just grow and grow (as both max and zen buddhism teach)

Having said that, if im constantly holding myself back, i may deprive myself of the simple and beautiful pleasures of life. In my attempt to get deeper, i will miss a very important lesson, in letting go and being present with what is, in flowing with the environment vs. trying to control everything. 

It’s been a very interesting idea to play with and observe in myself