#thats a decade like wow....
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Something before the day ends, boink boink
Happy 10th Anniversar for Wander Over Yonder🎉🎉🎉🎉
#I still can't believe its been 10 years already#thats a decade like wow....#Wander Over Yonder#WOY#Wander#Tw:Flashing#Animation#Fanart#starsprout art#.:Odi's Art:.
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so I realized that around this time of the year is already past my 1 year anniversary of being hyperfixated on Rob?? time flies
this is the timeline of how it happened according to some vague memories:
1. i happen to see some random video of The Rerun on like, YouTube I think
2. me: hmm i think that one eyed guy is giving some real gender envy– wait. oh no. its happening. he's the new Chosen One, isn't he
3. im not hyperfixated im not hyperfixated im not–
4. I AM SO FUCKING HYPERFIXATED I LOVE ROB FROM TAWOG HE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!!!!!!
5. rob is a major part of my life and my headspace now. i couldn't stop if I tried, because some part of my brain views him as an actual close friend, and therefore abandoning this hyperfixation would feel extremely cruel. i would never do that to him and therefore he will be my imaginary bestie/adoptive son forever. i will never grow out of it. i am perfectly okay with that
#its always been gender envy that gets me hyperfixated on a character. like i dont think its ever been anything else lmao#and by his gender i mean the fact hes kinda just a Funky Creature Thing Whose Species We Cannot Quite Identify. that is the gender#this actually might be the longest character hyperfixation ive had so far... he really is the Chosen One#i used to watch this show when i was in elementary school but i didnt have access to every episode#so maybe thats why i have no memory of him from when i was that young?#or maybe seeing him in that video unknowingly gave me deja vu which is another reason why he initially caught my attention?#5 or 6 years later... the irrelevant forgettable side character from that one weird cartoon crawls out of the deep recesses of my brain#and ends up living in my head rent free#for over a year#and he shows no signs of moving out anytime soon#top 5 comebacks of this past decade-and-a-half (my life)#this is so weirdly poetic in a kinda fucked up but also funny way#wow this whole post is basically just me screaming “I HAVE AUTISM” over and over#rob tawog#tawog#the amazing world of gumball#tawog rob#dr wrecker
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ok so remember how i made that turbo giant compilation of every stitch in the ditch art i liked. well i did the same with Transient except it turns out ive drawn way way more for this OCverse so theres. a lot.
but yeah read more for a huge compilation of stuff for these guys
#wow i actually hit the image limit here#my art#its insane that i have so much for them considering they are by far my youngest series at around 4 years old#by comparison i had concepts for pupet when i was like 12. so thats like decade ago and delta and alliacea are also about that old too#pretty much any OCverse i work with is about 10-15 yrs old unless its a design exercise
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#for me...that one episode of my strange addiction lol#i was like wow thats so crazy and weird i coudnt imagine doing that#and now. a decade later. huhh#furry fandom#polls
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due to things lining up Horribly, no stream this weekend! and maybe not the next, either!
#i got too much shit happening this weekend </3#and then i might not have the next off... i still havent gotten my schedule!#i got a sticky note for two days and thats It so far!#oh man im sorry about the lack of Update posts too#im. so tired.#i have No spoons like... at all....#i want to curl up in bed and sleep for a decade but! cant!#i have a 9 hour shift to do again! and again! and again! and again. and again. and again. and again. and agai-#absolutely unprompted#yk i thought having Limited free time would give me motivation to do things i want to#nahhhh its just making me Sad lmao#my brain before: we have all the time in the world so we can do it later#my brain now: we have no time at all so why bother#man. i dont want to get into a groove and then have to either cut it off or be prematurely Exhausted at work.#by the end of the day i already feel dead... cant feel dead at the start or i wont make it...#wow look at me complaining. its been Two Days.#gonna bring a sketchbook so that i can at least doodle during my breaks + lunch#brush up on my traditional skills....
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and i cried like the biggest fucking baby
#wow#im sorry for the wow spam but im finally able to play the new patch and im getting so emotional#like thats my family finally reunited after literal decades. theyve been through so much 😭 just blizzard let them have a moment of peace#tyrande whisperwind#malfurion stormrage#shandris feathermoon
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this book is acruakly soooo disappointing
#i was thinking like oh religion and queer angels and culty stuff that sounds fun but its actually SO BORING#every fifteen pages he started talking abt his ex like i still love him and also hes ENGAGED???? but he keeps saying betrothed like a weirdo#and like hes literally still in love w his ex but i KNOW thats not the real li but hes talked to the real li like six times maybe#like why put a love triangle if everythings lame and boring#and like the workd building fucking sucks its so bad all i know is global warming made it rlly rlly hot#and ok i get this kinda dystopian setting is hard to pull off but why is it SO fucking jarring i keep forgetting its dystopia#and like listen i get queer rep being important but this is SO BAD.#its like modern queerness + future dystopian apocalypse and it fucking sucks#like nothing abt queerness evolved over the last few decades?? are you fr?? we’re still having the exact same queer discourse??#if youre gonna write a love letter to queer survival at least be fucking CREATIVE#im not buying that human culture stayed totally static except for global warming and a religious apocalypse#what abt race what abt sports what abt food what abt jewelry and clothes and ughhhh this is so boring#ok and the li also has no personality traits bc every time hes there alk the mc says is#wow! he has floppy hair! that he pushes back w bobby pins!#oh my i dont know how to use the bobby pins he gave me so im gonna dramatically throw them on the floor when we have our only fight!#ALL I KNOW IS. he has floppy hair it might be black#this book fucking sucksssss im so upset i hate gr reviews#avery rambles
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self care is blocking the (hopefully????) clueless people in the tag who've drawn their "I really love both these characters" ships dressing up as Harley Quinn and her abuser for Halloween.
#like 8 outta 10 times its ALWAYS the daddy's little monster getup#idk like cmon if you're gonna put in all the effort of drawing your favs in halloween outfits you'd think you could spare a moment to#ya know#make sure you're not drawing one of them as#one of the most violent horrifically graphic and blatantly In your Face abusive domestic partner's in all of comics.#but thats just me ig#🫠🫠#harley quinn#harleen quinzel#dc comics#tw clown boy#tw abuse mention#and im not over exaggerating#anyone who disagrees abt his level on the ''Comic Abusers'' scale is simply not aware of the sheer ridiculous amount#of abuse he's influcted on her in just about every media theyve ever appeared in together for over 3 decades.#INCLUDING THE 2004 BATMAN THAT EVERYONE LOVES TO BE LIKE ''OH WOW ITS THE ONE VERSION OF THEM THATRE EQUALS''#YEAH SURE IF YOU JUST WATCH A RANDOM CLIP COMPLICATION CAUSE HIS ABUSE IS ALWAYS BRUSHED OVER FOR SAKE OF AESTHETICS#he might not be btas j0ker level bad but he's still .... not good to her ?#the signs of a future abusive relationship are right there she's just only in 2 episodes but its there regardless!#regardless of my thoughts on her as a Character cause uh ok KDJDKSKSKS but that doesn't remove his toxic traits 🤷#inflicted.... why would you forsake me like this autocorrect im not erasing all these tags to fix it
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Im like fighting the urge to just ghost everyone and leave forever n delete my blog n just disappear.... Bc like it's what my haters would want. Also I keep thinking Abt disco Elysium when Kim said "[if you don't get your shit together] then the world will leave you behind" or the solution to the precarious world... Or harry trying to go back to nothingness and his psyche tells him he is the son of the world now and he is too much in it to leave... Yeah... This is somewhere to be... Sir Lancelot asking the green knight if this is all there is and him answering what else would there be or whatever....
#quenthel special#im thinking so much about raszkolnyikov too...#how easy it would be tonpush everything away and be stubborn in my mysery...#how thats my first imstict but i trained myself against it... how it took well over a decade#i love to torture myself by thinkong about how specific friends i have would not miss my abscence...#i love to torture myself by imagining a highschool renuion where i am not even invited to and where they simply forgot me#or thinking abt my wow guild and how i probably wont be able to play w them for a while.... do THEY think of me...#does the guy who insisted giving me a lift home when we met up w the belgian guildmates thinks about me for example...#everything used to hurt so vividly but now its all numb... like i swallowed rocks#but they are worn down and smooth... not jutting into me#eh... i need to write tomorrow and look for jobs and go swimmimg... life goes on despite it all
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Also I never knew that there was even a single color photograph of my grandparents' wedding in 1952. I've only ever seen the ones in black and white. Don't they look beautiful? Didn't I just come from the most gorgeous people?
#i love how you can actually see my grandfather's red hair#as a redhead i know the injustice that black and white does to us... alas!#my charcoal self-portraits always look unlike myself to me because im like i have red hair. this doesnt look like a redhead#this isnt me#also even though it's a white dress. grammy's dress looks so much more beautiful surrounded by color#wow#tales from diana#did you know i never knew my grandmother was a local beauty queen when she was younger until after she died?#when her dementia got to the stage where she needed a live-in nurse to help her all the time#at one point my aunt rediscovered a picture from when she was about. 17. i posted it years ago#she scanned it and had it cropped and framed and left it in the front of the living room#the first time the nurse saw that photo (i was there) she said 'DAAAAMN MOM IS THAT YOU?'#and grammy was like 'oh :) yes thats me'#like it was nothing and then later on the nurse said 'i know you already said it but damn i just cant stop looking at you!'#that nurse was really nice. really really nice.#the priest at the wake when saying a prayer for the family before everyone else started ushering in#mentioned what a beauty my grandmother was and what a lovely couple the two of them were.#they went to that local church for about 60 years so he mustve known them for decades. it was a nice touch.
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"why does no one ever talk about Richard Armitage, he's so good-" girl we've been in the TRENCHES talking about him!!! Just bc you forgot he existed after Hannibal ended or BOTFA or whatever doesn't mean nobody's been talking about him!!!
#'i can still hear his voice' 'stop telling everyone im dead!' ass energy#also idk maybe im tired of talking abt him being good in hobbit and hannibal bc thats the majorite of what ppl have talked abt for a decade#he's done a ton of work and a lot of it has been well-recieved just in the last few years even#but every few months somebody gotta go in the tag like 'wow just remembered this guy exists...and hes GAY??' like girl we have known this...#the rest of us been lurking under this annoying ass rock for all these years#the annoying ass rock being the broadly dead fandom (compared to other actor fandoms)#this is such a nothing problem and im not actually upset to be clear but if im not complaining im dead#disgruntled octopus
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"hiding good stuff in the tags" YEAH thats where the good stuff BE. u never hearda buried treasure? that shit takes effort and like a good drash should belong to those who take the time and have the interest to go looking. not plastered over the cover on a billboard like "look how smart and cool i can be about someone else's post"
#wow almost a decade and nothing ever changes right. obviously i mean my neural pathways are basically fully formed ruts#thats a rut like what the ice do when u slalom too much not what the werewolves do in your a/b/o au#fcuk#thoughts out loud#tumblr nonsense#shut up divvy
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I can't just be a normal person, can I? like that just isn't possible for me. there are things I will never be able to do. there are even more things I will never be able to do comfortably.
sometimes I can't brush my teeth because of what the motion reminds me of. sometimes I wait a few days too many to take a shower because I don't want to see my body. sometimes I think about cutting all my hair off because the last time it looked like this, I was still stuck with my father. the only difference is that my hair is dark brown now. I can't help but think I got it from him, because my mom is blonde & my grandma, her mother, is a redhead, and my uncle (mom's brother) has black hair. I don't want to share ANY features with that man - he was the one to drag me into hell - but my aunt makes a point sometimes to tell me I do. it makes me want to throw up.
in my head it's a constant stream of these memories on loop behind my eyes, and it never seems to end, stretching on into infinity. the worst moments of my life playing in technicolour over and over and over again, and I'm powerless to stop it. all I can really do right now is distract myself, but even that doesn't work sometimes. that's when I have to sneak away to the bathroom/outside so I can cry and not have anyone see me. sometimes I can't cry at all. sometimes I can't stop. I get nervous when random numbers I don't know call me multiple times a day because I'm scared that somehow, one of those men found me again. it's highly unlikely, but that doesn't soothe the fear any.
there's pictures and videos of me out there somewhere. I know there is. my father regularly took his own photos/videos so he could keep them for himself, but also so he could sell them. he had the men he sold me to pay extra if they wanted to 'document' anything for themselves. there might be indecent photos/videos of me as a child, being abused, on somebody's phone or laptop right now, and that disgusts me. there's nothing I can even do about it. I didn't have a choice. and now I'm nervous whenever I'm in front of a camera because I can't help but think about the camcorders and cameras and phones they used.
my appetite completely disappeared around the time I started recovering memories. a lot of the time I can go hours, even days, without feeling hungry once. I've lost around 30 or so pounds at this point. the last time it was this bad, I was 13, extremely depressed, constantly crying & suicidal. I can get myself to eat if I smoke a bowl, but otherwise it's like hunger doesn't even exist for me. I get hunger pangs, but none of the hunger that's supposed to come with them. sometimes I have to stop eating before I'm done because I start to gag.
I remember that my father would withhold food & drink from me basically whenever he wanted. or he would force them on me until I was gagging and, sometimes, throwing up, which I then was promptly punished for as if it was my fault. punishments always hurt. there was really only a few ways I could 'make it up to him,' as he would say, and all of them had to do with me laying down somewhere for him and letting him do what he wanted. whenever I make a mistake I still think of that, and it makes even the tiniest 'oops' turn into an anxious stomachache that lasts for hours because my hypervigilance kicks on and tells me something bad is about to happen to me for something as simple as dropping a cup that doesn't even break. I don't cry and hyperventilate anymore, and it took years to get to that point, but I'm still terrified every time.
I get nervous when random men stare at me a little too long in public because I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, he was one of the many men who abused me, and he remembers what I don't. I get nervous when we're in a store and there's a man walking behind me - I can't get myself to calm down, even when they pass by. I feel like I have to be on guard 24/7 and I feel like the second I let it slip, something terrible will happen because I wasn't paying attention. even my own stepdad standing too close to me can trigger this response, and he has nothing to do w/ what my father was doing. I don't like to be crowded, but sometimes my stepdad will purposefully get into my space because he knows I don't like it. he doesn't know why I don't like it, but I shouldn't have to divulge my trauma for my boundaries to be respected. it makes me just as nervous as it does when it's a random man I don't know.
I don't get to be normal. I didn't even have a fucking personality before it started because I was literally a preschooler. I will never know the kind of person I could've been if none of this ever happened, and I will never get the childhood I should've had. I get to live with chronic pain that makes it hard for me to do anything but sit and wait for my meds to work. I get to have violently graphic flashbacks for no discernible reason that turn me into a sobbing, shaking mess for hours. I get to live with the fact that no one has to answer for the horrible things they did to me - at least, not in this life. I get to be severely traumatized to the point of constant fear that it will happen again. after all, it did happen again freshman year - just with someone else. and I can never be sure it won't ever happen again.
I can't be 'normal,' and I hate my father for that.
#csa vent#sometimes the brutality of it all feels cartoonish#like. wow that actually happened to me. its all real. it isnt something my mind made up just because. it really happened. you know?#milo murmurs#im gonna start counseling soon. i just hope it helps#i keep thinking about it & about him. about the other men. they dont deserve that kind of recognition/regard but i cant stop#on one hand its like i Finally know why i am the way i am but. on the other its like. why the fuck did it have to be like that#i was barely four#and i was 12 when i got out for good...#oh god#wait. thats. thats actually nine years#almost a fucking decade???????#fuck
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I'm doodling some concepts for a young adult Odile design and god I made her look like such a dork nerd. Absolutely not the vibe I was going for but I'm kinda charmed by her so I might roll with it
#rat rambles#stars posting#Ive been having many Many odile thoughts lately I have built a backstory for her in my head and am rotating her in my head at rapid speeds#trying to draw freshly 20 odile feels so weird because its like wow. girlie hasnt even gone through the horrors yet. shes just hanging out#ok thats not fully true shes been experiencing the loneliness™ and the feeling of not belonging anywhere™ since forever but yknow#this is where the real horrors begin <3#aka the decade in which odile had a love life
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Bruh I just realised I've been putting off/forgetting to come out to my mother for like five years now 💀
#IM SORRY IVE BEEN A BIT BUSY I GUESS#tbf its a complicated situation (yknow like half in half out/glass closet but shes fucking blind/ect)#but like. yeah. wow. i should probably get on that LMAO#yknow. make it official.#just sobered up to the fact its been half a decade like. whaaaaat#wdym we arent in 2020 anymore#i swear ill never leave that SHIT WHATS THE WORD?? ISOLATION? CONFINE? LOCKDOWN??#PANDEMIC???? fuck im literally drawing a blank i swear theres a specific word#QUARANTINE THATS THE FUCKER OH MY GOD#clearly im not THAT stuck in the quarantine if i cant remember the fucking word good lord#moss' madness
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ok that last post reminded me suddenly of this memory i have from one halloween, i don't actually remember how old i was but i was still young enough to go trick or treating?? but at like the tail end i think maybe. anyways we were going trick or treating with my cousin who was maybe like three or four at the time i think and she was dressed as a care bear and she was so excited both to be a care bear and to go trick or treating that she was running all around the house in her little care bear onesie but because it was a onesie and she wasn't wearing her shoes yet it was kind of slippery and she slipped and fell on her face and i think bit her lip maybe?? idk all i remember is that there was blood and she was absolutely SOBBING and it upset me so much to see her in pain and crying like that that it made ME cry and every time i remember that it makes me cry all over again :((( just picturing that tiny little kid with blood on her face crying in her care bear costume :((( i felt so so bad.... well anyways we still went trick or treating later and i kept giving her some of my candy :,(
#i wonder what she's doing these days#i still picture her as a child but she must be at the very least like 20 by now?????#thats crazy. i haven't seen her in well over a decade#wow i miss my family. and friends. i'm so lonely LMAO#oh god i'm thirty. i'm going to die soon
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