#that's why she's not part of the sins
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primordialchoice · 1 year ago
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When I see her being referred to as a spirit, I personally don't take it literally. The way I envision the word 'spirit' to mean is similar to the act of breathing life into someone. She is definitely an entity wearing a meat flesh that oozes a type of influence. The Lilith 'spirit' is the one that protests against something. It's quarrelsome and argumentative. She is the counterargument to everything that exists.
She's both the critical voice that scolds you for fucking something up, and also the enabler (known as tempter/seductress) that cheers for you to give in to your impulses. Her influence is the reason why people shun her away. She's a disruption of peace, but also momentary pleasure. That's why addictions exist & also why she's the gateway to them. Her influence will turn your world upside down, and she's got the cure (the sins) to sooth you.
Feeling poor? She's got Greed on speed dial! How about a chat with Mammon?
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dykedvonte · 6 months ago
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Honestly a sorry from Curly would mean nothing to Anya.
I’m not saying she wouldn’t want to hear it, it’s a hollow vindication. She told him and he couldn’t hear her. He saw it and he couldn’t understand it. They both experienced it and he should apologize that it took that for him to get it. She already knows he’s sorry but what’s the point if neither of them can do anything about it? It’s earnest but at the same time what she wants an apology for is what Curlu can’t apologize for.
He can’t be sorry for what happened to her even if he is. Even if he carries that guilt with him until the day he dies it’s not all his to bare. The most heinous parts aren’t his weight even if he tries to balance it. A part of her bitterness is the fact he can’t be sorry for it all. She can’t just direct it all towards him even if she wants to. She was failed in so many ways by all of them. It hurts with him the most cause he had the power but they all did nothing in the grand scheme of things.
The one person who should apologize would never and could never, it’s not something you can be sorry for. She wants an apology, she needs one but what would it fix?
#my two scents on apology scenerios cause like if she heard it I think it would just make it worse#likes she’s happy in a bitter sweet way like I don’t know why people need Anya to be actively resentful and mean about it like that’s nots#satisfying none of this story is satisfying in anyway shape or form and I want to write scenerios that really aren’t that like it’s real#it’s raw it’s in character for her to sort of forgive Curly but not accept his apology cause it’s worthless and that’s the tragic part of i#in a world where they escape and he apologizes he’s forever haunted by the fact she’ll never accept his sorry and she’s forever haunted by#the justice she didn’t really receive like for those that like them together it’s alway the unspoken bitterness of all his actions carry an#act of apology while she will never accept it as such cause he can’t say it and do anything about it nor what he’s apologizing for she can#learn to forgive him for the mistake understand the circumstances even if she doesn’t agree or wishes he’d known better but it’s forgivenes#based on she wouldn’t do that to herself to hold it against him forever he’s paid for his sins in watching the effects of his inactions and#having so much taken just like her but it didn’t have to happen and that’s why she can never accept the sorry#there shouldn’t be a reason he has to be sorry but there is idk they are so much to me like platonically#the only way I pair cishet straights together#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#nurse anya#captain curly#curly mouthwashing
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aetalk · 5 months ago
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#yes those are uyai’s tags in the color theory post like. YESSSS#because at the end of the day.. they are still the same person they used to be before they decided to change for the better.#the past doesn’t define u but. its still part of u. u did it regardless. the person of the past is still u.#LORE SPEAKING: they may have created their own color wheel and decided to do and say their own thing that has nothing to do with i#but they were still the naive and brainwashed angels they most likely pretend they dont exist bc they are not them anymore. but they are☝️#at the end of the day it all goes back to the beginning#IRL SPEAKING: they went thru a looooot predebut so they just dont rlly acklowedge (idk how to write that) their past#or their traumas. or their sins. because its fine they are not the same anymore. BUT THEY ARE! they still are#for example kaia thinks shes ok bc her past actions dont define her anymore. mf killed someone ofc her past will weight her down#despite howww bad she pretends that shes not that person anymore bc she is better now#but well! she still is the same person who killed nari! and thats something she has to accept#amaybe she continues having trouble accepting it bc “current me could never do that”. and well she did anyway!#blahblahblah#whatever that means dulce!#anyway. thats why in their color wheel they aren’t really that different fron their initial color#yeah they changed but they are still the same shade because their principal color is still part of them#this is why i really love the whole nostalgia essence in hiraeth bc it goes well with their lore / irl#ur past will always be part of u even if u forget it. even if u barely remember. even if u think that it didnt happen. thats still UR past#and thats why i luv the time loop concept too bc every new era is a new life but everything is still connected to the past eras#because they are still the same silly little angels 🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧 even if they remember or not!#q.
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filthyfundie · 3 months ago
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The thing to understand about Morgan Olliges is that prior to meeting Paul she had been struggling with depression, anxiety and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. All of these mental health issues cause great feelings of alienation, isolation, instability in sense of self, difficulty creating and maintaining genuine connections, and issues with a sense of purpose. She says now that she was on medication and it wasn’t working. Paul comes along and is basically like the medication won’t work because those things aren’t the problem, the problem is that you’re a sinner and you need redemption. Luckily for this woman struggling with all of the above, Paul has a perfect little rule book that will solve literally every single one of those issues. She just has to follow it, and him, without question and she will finally have peace and love. That’s how we got here, Paul will forever be the savior and Morgan the faulty disciple.
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good-beanswrites · 1 year ago
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LCSYS ask again(undercover asker here hiiiiiaufhghghgn)thank you for responding!!!! ilovfe seeing your ideas theyre such good fuel in between trials❤️❤️
i was wondering how th prisoners would react to es’ usage of violence, like some of the younger prisoners complaining about it while the older are concerned because Hello Where did that stem from???? you cant tell me es’ “phew, i feel so much better” after hitting shidou didn’t send his mind racing a million miles per minute
ALSO curious about YONAH………… similar to how red’s violence towards es was scripted, was kotoko’s monologue about es being imperfect Also scripted, or was it on her own? yonah is probably my favourite voice drama of all time and I’m curious about how it would be interpreted in this au 🫶
Ah hello again! Thank you so much for reaching out -- every time I think I've covered everything you guys hit me with a new insane detail that makes my brain go brrrrr >:3
Because OMG I spent so much time thinking of the faked violence, I don't know why I never put as much attention on the flipside! I love the idea of Jackalope assuring them, "there will be no physical punishments. We'll talk about restraints but that's all fake. We'll make up injuries between trials but that's all fake. You don't have to worry about any real pain." And then this 15yo strolls up, interrogation one, ready to smack someone😅😅😅
Seriously though, I think it would come as a pretty big surprise to the group. They knew it was a possibility, but didn't think Es was that likely to attack, since they've made a few comments about being against violent punishments. Haruka comes back to mention the slap, and Yuno follows their instructions and says she also suffered violence, and the group is Shocked. I think it would just kill Fuuta that he wasn't allowed to hit back and avenge the others. He probably has the most complaints about the situation (and is insanely relieved that he get by in his own interrogation.) In a feeble attempt to get back at Es and make them feel bad, he encourages Muu to cry and make a big show about being afraid of them. Muu is frightened enough that it doesn't take much persuasion... I think Kotoko and unfortunately Amane wouldn't mind the threat, they both have lives in which authority showing power isn't out of place (and maybe Haruka?). Mahiru, too, thinks it's just the way a prison guard can run their prison if they want, though she's determined her charm will keep things running pleasantly.
Kazui reaches out asap* to question the legality of the experiment, since they're allowing children to get hit, even if by other children. There's a tangle of signatures and consent from everyone involved so it's okay, but the whole thing still rubs him the wrong way. He knew the experiment was a bit shady, but he(Though, this does make his first vd kind of funny -- instead of actually talking through his theories on the prison, now it feels like he's just egging Es on to see if they'll actually hit him...)
And I really like that idea that Shidou's dad instincts kick in (or maybe it's doctor instincts)! He'd understand if it was a child trying to play the role of an intimidating adult, but the way Es is doing things, the things they're saying, it all points to something deeper going on in Es' head. I can see him sitting down with the others and Jackalope to discuss. Of course Milgram gives him very little to work with, but this still kickstarts everyone's efforts to make sure Es is also taken care of post-Milgram.
*I just realized I'm still a bit fuzzy on communication during the trials. Jackalope can definitely get information to the prisoners (most commonly the 'voices' they're supposed to be hearing based on Es' notes, but also in case of emergency changes or things). I was picturing the prisoners unable to communicate outward until the trial ends, as it builds up the feeling of isolation and imprisonment. The issue is, I feel like Jackalope would want to keep that line open in case the prisoners had questions/issues with the experiment that affected their acting. So idk if the prisoners voice these concerns about Es mid-trial or they're forced to wait. I'll get back to you on that, hm
And Yonah!!
I wasn't avoiding spoilers, I actively looked for snippets here and there, but it was this ask that finally motivated me to sit down and watch it through -- and I'm SO GLAD I DID 👀 It's really well-written and wonderfully acted!! I'm floored with the whole thing omg
I really like the idea that the Milgram team instructed Kotoko to mention Es' imperfection to rattle them a bit, but left the specifics to her. Jackalope thought she'd just make some quick comment, and does a double take when he listens in on the interrogation and realizes she has a lot to say on Es and the way Milgram is run.
Jacklope told her to be harsh with Es, and she thought that was no problem at all. She felt those opinions strongly and wasn't going to go easy on the criticism just because they were a kid. She goes into the interrogation ready to stay completely put-together... and then surprises everyone and herself when Es' distress moves her to pull them into a tight hug and tell them everything's going to be alright ;---;
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cowboy-robooty · 9 months ago
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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undefeatablesin · 2 years ago
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Dealing with the tail end of another artblock by brainstorming feral Good Hunter Aloysha looks. Because she was not already feral enough for me I guess lmao ✨️
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angel-on-parole-archive · 7 months ago
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I'm a dog that would be better off put down
I bark too loud
When I lash out I don't just bite, I maul
I yank at my leash
But at the same time
I just want someone to look at me
And call me a good dog
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linabirb · 1 year ago
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a very important part of linabirb lore is that when i was a kid and i was eating something that was supposed to be thrown out after i was done with it and i used a spoon, every time i went to throw it out, i also. threw out the spoon. my family just kept losing spoons until they realized i was the culprit.
why am i typing this? oh well. it's because i was eating a yogurt and my mom was like "DON'T THROW OUT THE SPOON WHEN YOU'RE DONE"
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catholicsapphic · 2 years ago
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I’m obsessed with the idea that few things draw us closer to God than believing He is already here. Adam and Eve hide when they hear Her voice because they think they are unworthy. John the Baptist says Jesus should be the one baptizing him when his cousin comes to the river. Peter is shocked at the idea of having his feet washed by his Master. Catherine of Siena barely thinks she deserves to kiss His feet, and is invited to kiss His lips.
We are constantly saying “Lord, I’m not worthy”
And the Lord is forever answering “what does ‘worthy’ have to do with anything? Love Me anyways”
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sageofthestrange · 1 year ago
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bold for things i could definitely see or want, italics for things i could see or am unsure of and striked out for things i don’t want or cannot see.
FRIENDSHIP.     childhood friends  /  work buddies or coworkers  /  family friends  /  friends with benefits  /  smoking buddies  /  adventure buddies  /  fake friends  /  recently friends  /  party buddies  /  friendship of need  /  dying friendship  /  circumstantial friendship  /  partners in crime  /  old friendship  /[your muse] is the good influence  /[your muse] is the bad influence  /[my muse] is the good influence  /[my muse] is the bad influence  /  opposites attract  /  ride or die  /  frenemies  /  roommates or flatmates  /  penpals  /  exes to friends  /  enemies to friends  /  other
ROMANCE.     childhood sweethearts  /[your muse is mines] childhood crush  /[my muse is yours] childhood crush  /  exes  /  exes to lovers  /  forbidden lovers  /  highschool sweethearts  /  secret relationship  /  opposites attract  /  long distance  /  unrequited [from your muses side]/  unrequited [from my muses side]/  unrequited [from both sides]/  skinny love  /  friends to lovers  /  enemies to lovers  /  spurious relationship  /  power couple  /  newly entered  /  soulmates [ metaphorical ]/  soulmates  [ literal ]/  awkward  /  turning toxic (only in Godhood Path)  /  toxic love (only in Godhood Path)  /  cheating [on your muse]/  cheating [with your muse]/  other
FAMILIAL.     siblings [half]/  siblings [step]/[my muse] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure  /[my muse] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse  /[my muse] is a parental figure to yours  /[my muse] is a child figure to your muse  /  guardian figure  /  legal guardian  /  adoptive child  /  foster child  /[your muse] is taken under mines wing  /[my muse] is taken under yours wing  /  other
ANTAGONISTIC.     dangerous to each other  /  dangerous to others  /  unpredictable  /  rivals  /  petty  /  developing into sexual or romantic tension  /  based off family matters  /  based of off circumstance  /  based of professional matters  /  based off misunderstanding or lies  /  conflict of ideology  /  betrayal  /  hero - villain dynamic  /  enemies  /  fight club  /  friends turned enemies  /  lovers turned enemies  /  exes turned enemies  /  other 
#wizofwaterdeep#ANSWERED.#(hoo boy. Gale. Gale is a complex one regarding Valerya and the companions)#(because a good part of me is debating on her stance with choosing Godhood or staying as he is now and moving past Mystra)#(since she herself is trying to escape her illness with partial ceremorphosis and becomes lost in her wonder and desire to know all on it)#(it's almost morbid; and that morbid curiosity would definitely spur itself open with the Karsite Weave and whatnot)#(beyond that though; a lot of this is back & forth as you can tell but i do overall see them as very deeply intertwined people in some way)#(not just both of them being wizards but in a way; both of them are chronically and terminally ill)#(she's more than willing to always give him magical items in Act 1; likely knowing more than anyone save for Gale on how precious those are#(she likes how good-natured he is and how much he loves to just... talk. and share his mind)#(Valeryana was never able to do much of that even in the academy; so much distrust and ambition is woven into drow society)#(you can't trust anyone. yet gale is one of similar mind and accomplishment; separated from those burdensome paranoias)#(i can see her having long talks beneath the stars as friends or lovers; sipping on a glass of wine and philosophizing)#(of course; it isn't all sunshine; she's far more harsh than him overall and tries to balance it with her want to still end up positively)#(i think he'll see her desire to do the right thing and also see why she's like that; she was raised to be nothing BUT brutal)#(even when attempting to do the right thing; i imagine it'll bring up a lot of ideological fights between them)#(but the both of them learn from one another as a result)#(he teaches her it's okay to be openly kind and vulnerable. not everyone will try and use that kindness against you)#(she teaches him that it's never a sin to advocate for yourself. even and ESPECIALLY against those you admired and loved)#(which can twist and appear in a lot of ways for both of them)#(I'LL STOP HERE BUT. Gale And Valeryana Would Likely Be Quite A Time)#(thank you for the ask!! i'm curious to see yours for valeryana in turn :eyes:)
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crimewrought · 2 years ago
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maria is so good ("good" as in adept and proficient) at being bad. she's just awful at carrying the weight of it.
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lucifers-left-tit · 1 year ago
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YES like fuck. it's even kind of spelled out in the song. charlie might be the very own princess of hell - a tier second only to Lucifer, mind you - and yet in heaven's eyes, in Sera's eyes, she's as dismissable as the young, naive Emily. Worse, actually, because she's a hellborn, not a seraphim.
(even though charlie and lilith, as the tier below Lucifer, would in fact equate to the seraphim)
It's so important to me that we all understand that hell and heaven in the Hellaverse aren't like two separate territories with equal power in a war that heaven happens to be winning.
Hell is a territory that Heaven rules.
Lucifer may be the king, but that is a position he was given by Heaven, because they have the power and authority to place people in charge of Hell,
And it's all well and good he WANTS to do better as a ruler. That he takes it seriously, or did at one point and/or is coming around to it again in the show, but its a possition with only as much power as Heaven wants to give it, and they want it to have less power than the General of Heaven's army, because Sera listens to Adam before she listens to Lucifer.
Lucifer, an Archangel, doesn't get to make demands of heaven. He doesn't even try. He gets to ask Sera to please stop the genocide of the people he was told to watch over. He gets to concede when they say no. Because heaven just gets to say no, because they get to decide what happens in hell without taking into account the opinions of Lucifer, or the seven sins, or the goetia or anyone in hell.
We all get that right?
That Charlie and the other's defending the hotel wasn't just the citizens of hell going up against an invading army. It only counts an an invading army ans not the occupying force because they don't actually stay there year round
Hell didn't just win their first battle in a war that's been raging for millennia. That was the first time hell organized to fight back against their theocratic dictatatorship- if not ever, than in millenia.
That was act of rebellion.
That was Hell declairing independence.
#also. the exorcists would roughly equate to the seven sins - yes the sins are a big deal in Hell just like the elder angels are in heaven#BUT TO HEAVEN the sins are at best on par with exorcists#something something ''oh lucifer. once an archangel. now you're buddies with deadly sins that can at most compare to our soldiers''#if we continue down this analogy#the ars goetia are on pair WITH WINNERS#then overlords are like heavenborn#(this one's murky because theyre sinners too but. if nothing more we can see that at least adam knew to kill alastor first#which is roughly the same amount of recognition id expect sera to have for some random heavenborn)#AND THATS WHY HEAVEN SEES SINNERS IN SUCH A LOW LIGHT LIKE#just based on hierarchy alone. the seraphim would see sinners about as respectfully as a goetia (not stolas) would regard an imp#then suddenly someone comes along and suggests bumping them up the ranks?#its literally like going from imp to Notable Sinner like pentious or angel or whoever#and that's just the hierarchical perspective - THEY HAVE A MORAL HIGH GROUND BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE SIN STUFF#hence why despite lilith being likely hierarhically on the seraphims level#lute addresses her like that#to her. lilith is AT MOST on Adam's level (the human soul part not the exorcist part) but really we know its lower because she Did That#you know like how they left vaggie as though a mere sinner#so YEAH#the hierarchical and moral dominon they have mean that this uprising is A Lot to digest#and then fucking PENTIOUS gets to heaven!#anyway.#fave
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sheisoverhere · 1 month ago
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Peeta Mellark is an integral member of the four D12 victors. He is literally the sunset on the reaping! How is this not clear? I’ve never wanted to report people for bad literary analysis more and I’m only half joking. It has forced me to commit a cardinal sin: analyze in anger!
1. Him being chosen by absolute accident is the point. Not only does he represent every single other tribute who simply gets chosen because they live in a messed up country but he represents how even with some odds being in your favor (older siblings, merchant family, being white, being popular, etc.) you are still very likely to be victimized by the oppressive structure of Panem.
2. When Haymitch says, “But she was smarter than me, or luckier” - the luck is all the people around Katniss who created the circumstances for her to lead a successful revolution (her father teaching her to hunt, the arena having woods, Rue healing her with leaves, Thresh not killing her, Haymitch consistently giving her support, her mother teaching her aspects of medicine, on and on and on) and Peeta is the number one, most important part of her luck in the first book. She has someone in the games actively putting her life before his… are you kidding? There is legitimately no better luck than that.
3. Even if we take Katniss out of it, Peeta is so impactful as a victor because most of his scenes would not be cut/doctored. What’s there to edit out? Instead, the viewers get a full view of him loving a girl so selflessly, using trickery and strategy instead of violence, keeping himself alive through art, joking on literal death’s door, and sharing so much of himself with the audience it becomes harder for them not to see him as a real human boy. How rare do you think that is for the games? Haymitch and LGB are caricatures of themselves in the games, playing roles that flatten them down. Even Katniss becomes one dimensional on screen without Peeta (and Rue, of course). It is also heavily implied that he does not kill anyone during the games (in a straightforward way) and even if you count Cato or the girl from 8 or even foxface, it’s never him hunting them or seeking out a kill - again how rare do you think that is to see on screen for Games viewers?
4. I didn’t think this needed to be said but: Katniss dies without Peeta in the first games. a) she goes for the bow and dies in the bloodbath; b) she is hunted and killed by Careers; c) she is killed by game makers because there’s no love story angle to keep them from just burning her entirely; d) she dies from tracker jacker stings or Cato because Peeta doesn’t defend her or tell her to run… I could go on…
5. But even if she does win and wins alone - the victory means as much (I would argue less than) any other rebellious victor winning, certainly less than Haymitch’s win. The biggest rebellion for their games is that two of them win! This is legit the only thing that distinguishes them from any other sympathetic, kind child who would have won the games. Like if Haymitch or Finnick or Wiress winning isn’t jarring enough for the Games to end… why do you think Katniss killing Peeta and winning solo would be? It would not.
6. And finally, I cannot stress this enough: There is no peaceful end to the rebellion or the trilogy without Peeta. “Peeta’s a whiz with fires” (HG) for a reason! Collins, over and over, shows us how fire can get out of control and destroy even those who are innocent and who you love (Gale, Beete, Peeta’s family, Haymitch’s family). If everyone really burns, there’s no one to clean the ashes. The reason not everyone burns is because of people like Peeta who can coax the flames in a way that is nurturing and consistent. I mean…. “Peeta fashioned some kind of incubator” is such an obvious detail. Those goslings don’t hatch without Peeta, life does not go on in peace and joy without Peeta.
It is no coincidence that when Maysilee says Lenore Dove got the “jump on us all” (in being a rebel), she is referring to LD using orange paint to make protest art!
We must stop pushing Peeta Mellark out of the narrative! He is literally the sunset on the reaping!
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inbabylontheywept · 9 months ago
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bad dating stories time: the shoe incident
so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.
at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.
he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?
and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.
but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.
i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?
(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)
and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.
i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.
that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.
i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.
anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.
i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.
we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.
he was okay at it.
eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.
soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.
realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:
"i can't get pregnant"
which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.
still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"
and then i was in my car, and i drove away.
if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.
and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.
WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.
we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.
do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.
and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.
then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.
and then they started making out.
i was close enough to hear it.
i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.
so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.
now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.
so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.
about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.
my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.
my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.
they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?
and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.
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angel-on-parole-archive · 7 months ago
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Sometimes you have one person who knows every bit of you and you wanna. Lock them in your basement and the wild thing is that you know they'd be totally okay with it
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