outerworldscans

[cheolslz]

maybe getting mad at your boyfriends over something petty wasn't the best idea.

pairing; 95line x fem!reader

genre; smut (minors dni)

w/c; 2.1k

a/n - based on this request. this is not proofread at all so ignore if any grammatical errors 😔 it's my first full fic so I'll appreciate any and every feedback!

smut warnings under the cut!

warnings; mentions of a creep at a club, poly, established relationship, dom!95line x sub! reader, degradation, petnames (babe, love, princess, cockslut), unprotected sex (don't do this), oral (m. receiving), double penetration, anal, creampie, slight chocking, fluff at the end. lmk if I missed anything!

It's 8pm. You haven't checked your phone all day. you were supposed to be off work 2 hours ago but your boss decided today would be the perfect day to ask you to do their monthly statistics compilation. 

As you make your way upstairs the tiredness of the long workday finally kicks in. you sigh when you reach the door, wanting nothing more than to be in the comfort of your own home and your three boyfriends.

Hard days like this were guaranteed with a high profile job but you knew no matter what happens you’d always come home to the loves of your life.

As you open the door, the smell of your apartment fills your heart with a fuzzy warmth. You walk in and close the door behind you and it slowly hits you.

It's quiet.

Now living with 3 other people, there was always some form of noise in the house. Whether it be Jeonghan's tv show marathons, Joshua's guitar or Seungcheol listening to music, there was always some sound to fill the empty feeling in your ear.

A look around you can see that no one was at home. At first you assume Seungcheol was finally able to convince Jeonghan and Joshua to join the gym with him. You open your phone to see if any of them texted you their whereabouts.

[5:27]

Seungcheol : babe when are you off work?

Seungcheol : we were thinking of going to a movie 

Seungcheol : i know you said you weren't interested in this genre but we really want to watch it

Seungcheol : text us when ur done?

[6:07]

Jeonghan : babeee the movie is at 6:30 you’re supposed to be off work by now where are youuuu

[6:24]

Joshua : hey we’re at the movie okay?

Joshua : we came without you because you said you last week that you weren’t that interested in this

Joshua : we’ll see you in 3 hours <3

Oh. They went to see a movie. Without you.

They’re not wrong, you did say war centric and movies more than 2 hours weren’t your thing but, they could’ve waited right? It's not like it's only going to play at the theatre once. They could’ve easily waited for you and asked?

You're not the type of person to get mad about things like this. Usually you'd brush it off and move on but maybe it's the mixed frustration of work and your boss that you decide to make a phone call

“Hey are you free clubbing tonight?”

So, this was a really bad idea. It's 9pm, you're at a shady club and your friend ditched you to go hook up with someone. When you initially called chan he was constantly reassuring you that he’ll be with you all night because you need it.

His bad jokes and humour for a second did make you feel better but the minute you guys entered the club and he laid his eyes on this girl, it was game over.

You can't blame him, she was pretty as hell. If he wasn't rushing to get alone with her you would’ve asked her where her eyeshadow was from. Now you're alone at the bar, staring at the drink in your hand. Your phone keeps lighting up with notifications but you don't respond.

[8:50]

Seungcheol : babe where are you?

Seungcheol : we left early because the movie was boring you were right

Seungcheol : please respond to us

Seungcheol : i know you're mad at us im sorry

[2 missed calls from Seungcheol]

[1 missed call from Jeonghan]

[3 missed calls from Joshua]

[1 missed call from Seungcheol]

You feel bad. You should respond, you should let them know you’re safe but for this once you feel like proving something to them. What exactly are you proving? Well, you haven't really figured that out yet.

You're staring at your phone when a voice interrupts your thoughts

“Hey, what's someone like you doing here alone?”

You look at your side to see a tall man in all black. He has short bleached hair and a pretty face. You laugh off his comment, not wanting to interact with anyone right now.

“Im mark, i couldn't help but notice how pretty you are” he smiles and extends his hand which you accept with a smile. 

A few minutes of talking later, you start getting uncomfortable. Mark keeps trying to get you to leave with him even though you stated you had a boyfriend. He shrugs it off, his hand sliding to your waist and talking to you about how that doesn't matter.

You laugh nervously and excuse yourself to the bathroom, clutching your phone in your hands. You call the first person who shows up and he picks up in half a ring

“y/n? love where are you we’re worried sick”

“Seungcheol…im at levels bar please come pick me up there's someone making me uncomfortable”

You hear some shuffling in the background and Seungcheol reassures you that they're on their way. 

About 20 minutes later you get a text from Joshua saying they're outside. You have to convince them not to come into the club, not wanting the situation to escalate or get worse. You successfully sneak out of the club, thanking your luck that Mark was now occupied with some other girl.

As you spot your boyfriends, you see relief wash over them. They bombard you with questions and when you confirm you’re okay, they help you in the car and drive back. 

The air in the car is a little tense, no one clearly wants to bring up the topic of why you were at a club alone. Seungcheol had a rule you all followed - if there was something to talk about, you’d do it at home.

Once the car is parked, the four of you silently walk to your door. Jeonghan opens the door and lets all of you in. you take off your shoes and go sit on the couch, preparing yourself for whatever they’d ask you.

“Well? You want us to start?”

“I'm sorry” you say immediately, looking at the floor beneath you. You hear someone walking towards you.

A soft hand trails your face and lifts your chin to look up. Seungcheol has a small smile playing on his lips when he asks “what are you sorry for?”

“For getting mad at you guys and going to the club. I should've just told you i was mad at you” Seungcheol gives you a satisfied grin, his hand still forcing you to look at them standing over you

“We were worried sick, you know? You really almost gave us a heart attack” Joshua sighs looking at you. You give him a sad smile

“I'll make it up to you” you say and Jeonghan laughs loud, his voice echoing through the room

“Trust me you will” he says and walks over to you, his hands cupping your cheeks as he smashes his lips onto yours. He makes you lean back on the couch as he hovers over you, his lips moving in sync with yours as his tongue explores your mouth.

you feel the couch sink beside you and before you can see who it is, Joshua pulls you onto his lap, His firm body pressed on your back. You whimper as you feel his cock straining against his pants on your lower back. 

It doesn't take long before they’ve helped you out of your clothes and all four of you are naked. Jeonghan goes to the bedroom to grab a bottle of lube.

You turn your face to kiss Joshua, slowly grinding your ass on his cock as Seungcheol sucks on your neck. His hands fondle your breasts, squeezing the pinching your nipple to hear those oh so sweet sounds you make. your moans muffled by Joshua's mouth.

You moan into Joshua's mouth as you feel Seungcheol trail his kisses down to your breasts and suck on them. 

Jeonghan walks back in and tosses the bottle to Joshua. Joshua pours some on his fingers and circles your rim

“Gonna take me properly love?” Joshua whispers in your ear and you nod, unable to form coherent sentences. Joshua slowly aligns his cock with your rim and pushes in. The stretch hurts at first but the pain fuzes into a cloud of pleasure for you.

As Joshua slowly lowers you on him, Seungcheol aligns himself with your cunt. Unlike Joshua, Seungcheol isn't soft in the bedroom.

He knows exactly how to push you far enough for it to feel best, so he waits until you're fully lowered on Joshua's lap and he slams his entire length inside you. 

His tip his your cervix perfectly, knocking the wind out of your lungs. 

“F-fuck.. So..fu-full” you moan out.

You take a moment to regain your breath, back arched on Joshua as groans in your ear. 

Jeonghan, clearly feeling a bit left out, tangles his hands in your hair and pulls your face off of Joshua's neck. He slaps his cock against your cheek and lips as he smiles down at you

“Open up” he commands.

As you open your mouth and suck Jeonghan's tip, Seungcheol takes the initiative to move. He slowly drags his cock out and thrusts his full length into you again making you moan on Jeonghan. The movement makes Joshua hit deeper in you. 

Both of them start moving inside you. Seungcheol and him have a mismatched pace making you see stars as you suck Jeonghan harder. 

Jeonghan holds the back of your neck and thrusts into your mouth, making you take him deeper as tears well in your eyes. He throws his head back and fucks your mouth.

The room is filled with groaning and skin slapping as Jeonghan hits the back of your throat with each move.

“Such a pretty fucking cockslut. You like us filling you up like this huh?” Seungcheol grunts and moves his hips faster. You try to respond but the cloud of lust fills your mind as you feel yourself reaching your edge.

Joshua, the ever observant slides his hand down to your clit and slowly rubs his thumb against it. The sensation makes you moan against Jeonghans cock, the vibrations making him moan your name. 

After a few more thrusts you feel his movements stutter as he fucks your face. 

“Want me to cum in your mouth princess?” he groans as you slip him out of your mouth to answer

“P-please Jeonghan..ne-need it”

 Your pretty face begging for him is all he needs before he cums in your throat with a final thrust, painting it white. He pulls out and watches you swallow with a satisfied grin before collapsing on the couch next to Joshua.

The other 2 are not too far behind to follow, their movements becoming more erratic as they reach their highs. Joshua cums with a loud groan and throws his head back on the couch.

His hands keep moving on your clit as he comes down his high, his breathing heavy and inconsistent. 

“Gonna fill you up so well you wont even fucking think about pullling this shit again” Seungcheol curses and his hand wraps around your neck. The slight cut in air with the stimulation on your clit makes you fall off the edge as you cum on Seungcheol’s cock, his orgasm following yours.

Your releases mix together inside you as he rides out his high. You lay back on Joshua as he and Seungcheol slowly pull out. The emptiness and the feeling of their cum spilling out of you makes you whimper. Your thighs sticky with your mixed releases.

You slowly feel yourself coming down from that cloud as Joshua pats your shoulder

“You okay? Did we go too hard on you love?” he asks with slight concern in his voice but you shake your head no. They could never hurt you. 

The three of them help you get up and take a shower, laying out clean warm clothes for you and helping you lay on the bed. Jeonghan lays down next to you and pulls you into a warm hug. 

“Don't do that again okay? You really had us worried” he whispers in your hair.

“Im sorry, i shouldn't have disappeared over something so small”

you say quietly but the 3 of them hear it, they always do. 

Seungcheol presses a kiss to your forehead as Joshua rubs your back.

“We love you, don't forget that okay?”

[bqstqnbruin]

The Party's Over, Go Home

Hello hello here I am with my fic for @wyattjohnston's winter fic exchange!

I had the pleasure of writing for @sc0tters I hope you like it!

Shoutout to @kat-hearts @matthewtkachuk and @raysofcrosby for reading through this and getting mad at me :)

This is inspired by Intrusive Thoughts by Natalie Jane, Deserve by Jake Clark, and the Gilmore Girl's episode from season 5 called The Party's Over

Warnings: swearing, alcohol, family financial issues, this is angst, the spacebar on my computer is starting to break so typos (I tried)

WC: 11k

__________________________________

“We should do something tonight.”

“I was going to go to bed early, actually.”

“You do that every night.”

“What, are you stalking me now?”

“No,” Kendyl draws out. “You stop texting me by like, 8:30 every night. Your phone is on do not disturb half an hour later. Either you’re asleep early, or you’re ignoring everyone by then.”

Ellie narrows her eyes at her coworker. They still weren’t close enough that she felt she could comfortably hang out with the people she worked with outside of the workday. She had only been at her new job for a month, still getting the hang of things, trying to get to know people and figure everything out. Spending time outside her apartment with people who were practically strangers when she could be in her warm bed with her flannel sheets that she loved more than anything on this planet? “I don’t like that you picked up on that.” 

“Well, too bad,” Kendyl says, sitting down on Ellie’s desk. “A bunch of us are going out tonight, so why not?” Ellie hesitates to answer. “If it sucks, you can go home at ten. You’ll be in bed by 10:30, two hours later than normal. And it’s Friday, we don’t have work tomorrow for you to use that as an excuse as to why you have to get up early, and you already told me that the only thing you planned on doing this weekend was laundry and cleaning.”

Ellie let out a long sigh. Maybe Kendyl did know her well enough to be able to call her out on her shit already. “God.”

“I don’t know if you’re religious or not to know if that’s a yes.”

“Fine,” she says, shuddering at Kendyl’s squeal of excitement. “But you’re buying at least one round and I get to leave at 9:30 if I want to.” 

“Deal.” 

Ellie’s day was full of dread, from spending the rest of work distracted about having to go out with seemingly everyone at her job, so the stress involved with getting ready and trying to look like someone who was actually 24, not the ‘1980’s power boss bitch without the hair and shoulder pads’ as Kendyl had described her multiple times, even down to walking to the bar that Kendyl had picked that felt way too conveniently down the street from her apartment. 

“I’m surprised you even had someone convince you to go out,” her younger brother, Alex, says on the other end of their phone call. As soon as he saw Ellie leaving her apartment on Find My Friends, he called her panicked that something was wrong. “You never went out in college. I had to beg you to go to that one party the time I visited you.”

“That’s because you were still seventeen and Mom would have killed me if she found out you went.”

“She knew I was going to try anyway.”

“I’m going out because I was promised free drinks and the prospect of going home early if I want to. It’s not like I’m being forced to go out against my will.” 

“I promised you free drinks.” 

“Alexander.”

“Eleanor. Just be safe, ok? Let me know when you get home.”

“You sound like Mom.”

“If I were Mom, I would be yelling at you for not wearing a jacket.”

“How do you know I’m not wearing a jacket?”

“You never wear a jacket. Mom has been yelling at you about that since you were five.” 

Ellie lets out a laugh, a sudden chill coursing through her when she realizes she can see her breath. “How is Mom, have you checked in on her?’

“Yes, Ellie.”

“In person?”

“Yes, Ellie. She’s good. At least, she says she is.” 

The two of them stay on the phone in silence for a moment, knowing what he really means. Ellie and Alex hated the topic of how their mom was doing, but if they didn’t talk about it with each other, who else did they have? Their mom and Alex still live in the same area even if Alex was away at college and living in a dorm rather than with her. Ellie was on the other side of the continent now, for a job that she barely had any friends at, in a city she still barely knew, surrounded by things she wasn’t used to. 

“Hey, I’m outside the bar now, I’ll talk to you later?” she ends the call, taking in one last deep breath before heading into what she was sure was going to be 

“You came!” Kendyl yells once Ellie finally manages to get into the bar. “Here’s the first drink.”

Before Ellie could even tell Kendyl she wasn’t ready yet to start drinking, the drink was pressed to her chest and nearly spilled down the front of her. Despite it being early enough in the night that no one should be drunk by now, Kendyl and the rest of her coworkers seemed to be well on their way with Ellie needing more drinks than she could count to catch up. 

The night goes by slowly, the drinks going away fast, and Ellie sitting in the corner while her coworkers, who are obviously close, talk about a bunch of inside jokes from before she was hired that Ellie was unable to participate in.

“Remember when he ordered the wrong cake?” Wesley slurs, punching Doug in the shoulder.

“I swear she told me to say, ‘Happy Retirement,’” Douglas defends himself.

“It was my 28th birthday, not my retirement?” Hazel says, everyone except Ellie bursting into a fit of laughter.

“What about when Sammy dialed 911 during the meeting?” Kendyl adds through wheezes, the remains of her drink nearly spilling on Ellie’s shirt, again.

“It fell out of my pocket and bounced weird!”

“How does a bouncing phone dial 911?”

“That’s the set up to a bad pick up line.”

“More like the setup to a story that makes no sense,” Ellie mutters, thankful that her coworker's howling laughter was too loud to hear her.

She gets up from the table, draining her drink on her way to the bar. It was only 9:15. She promised Kendyl 15 more minutes. The least she could do was down another drink in that time before pulling her classic Irish exit to go home and get in bed. 

“Rum and coke?” she asks once she gets up to the bar, the sticky wooden counter acting as anything but inviting for her to lean on. 

“Me, too, and put it on my tab,” someone says behind her, Ellie’s face immediately turning sour at the thought of some guy buying her a drink to probably get her to hook up with him.

“My friend is paying for it, actually,” she turns to him, surprised to find a seemingly innocent-looking guy around her age and not the middle-aged gross man she thought he would be. Anything was possible, and looks can be deceiving.

“Which friend, the one who almost spilled her drink on you or the one of the ones who have been ignoring you the entire night and letting you sit in silence while they have a good time around you?”

“I already don’t like you.” 

“My friends pointed you out and said you were me when they drag me out to bars.”

“So you’re the friend who they barely know and who they only invited out of pity?”

“That’s dark. But also, kinda hot,” he says, the pink rushing to his cheeks as he turns away out of embarrassment. “Sorry, um. I’m going to go sit down now.”

“You haven’t gotten your drink yet,” Ellie points out, his sudden bashfulness making Ellie soften for him. “I just moved here. I don’t really know any of them too well.”

“I know what that’s like,” he tells her, leaning against the bar. 

“You’re not from here, either?”

He shakes his head. “Born in Orlando, moved to Boston, then moved to Toronto, and kept going from there.” 

“That sounds unstable,” she says, passing one of the newly appeared glasses of alcohol to the guy in front of her.

He shrugs, lifting the drink to his lips. “Well, they say you are a product of your environment.” 

Ellie lets out a laugh, the first one that she had let out all night. “That’s dark. But also, kinda hot,” she repeats, the pink returning to his cheeks again.

“I’m never gonna live that down, am I?”

“Depends on how long we keep talking.”

“Hopefully it lasts past tonight.”

“It can’t if you don’t tell me your name. I’m Ellie.”

“I’m Quinn.”

Ellie loses count of how many drinks Quinn gets her, how long they’re talking, and when all of her coworkers leave the bar, not even telling her that they were leaving without her. 

She could feel the warmth of the alcohol coursing through her body, the bar getting busier the longer she and Quinn stood there. Someone shoves in between Ellie and whoever is behind her, pushing her into Quinn’s arms without her being able to catch her balance. His hand falls to the small of her back, spreading out to hold her steady. They stood there in silence, the rest of the bar a world away from them. 

“Are you ok?” Quinn whispers in her ear, his breath tickling her skin. 

Ellie stammers for a second, trying to process what just happened. The alcohol was making everything foggy, and the room starting to spin slightly around her as if Quinn was rocking her back and forth. “Um, I, yes?”

His eyes flickered down to her lips, the distance between them closing with each additional person, he was so close to kissing her. 

“I should go home,” Ellie says before he can, knowing that kissing him now would not be a good idea for either of them. 

His grip on her doesn’t relax, the disappointment Ellie expected to show up on his face not there at all. “I’m walking you home,” he tells her, slipping his hand into hers before she can protest. 

“You don’t have to do that.” 

“I want to.” 

The difference in temperature between the bar and outside hit Ellie faster than she could process it, her lack of jacket her brother had scolded her for earlier biting her in the ass harder than the cold was in the moment.

Ellie didn’t even process Quinn taking off his own coat, the one she didn’t even realize he had been wearing the entire time, and putting it around her shoulders before wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close. 

She was on autopilot, unsure how she managed to navigate her way to her apartment when her mind was on Quinn’s body pressed against hers. She just met him. She didn’t know much about him. She didn’t even know what he did for work and only knew that he had two brothers who lived in New Jersey even though that wasn’t one of the places that he mentioned living before. 

“Here,” Ellie barely gets out, surprised with herself for managing to get back to the right place. 

“Do you want me to walk you to your door?” Quinn asks, shoving his hands in his pockets when he finally lets go of her. 

“No, it’s fine.” 

Ellie goes to take off the jacket and give it back to him, the warmth something her drunk self quickly realized she was going to miss. “No, keep it. It looks better on you anyway,” Quinn tells her, pulling his things out of his pockets before turning away to head off.

She stands there for a few seconds, trying to process what had happened that night. 

“Wait, no,” Quinn says, appearing again in front of her. “I can’t leave without getting your number first.” 

“I couldn’t even tell you what my number is right now,” she admits, handing him her phone instead.

Quinn laughs, putting his number in. “I want to see you again, Ellie.”

She smirks at him. “We’ll see, Quinn.” 

___________________

“What do you mean you’re not bringing anyone?”

“No one said I had to bring anyone.” 

“Everyone brings someone. You have to bring a date to the holiday party.”

“Then why was one of the options on the RSVP ‘no’ to the question ‘will a guest be accompanying you?’”

Kendyl whines, earning a cringy look from Ellie. “You have no one you can bring?” 

Ellie rolls her eyes, leaning back in her desk chair. “Let’s see, I’ve been here for like, what, two months? I knew no one when I got here, I hate going out and don’t have anywhere to meet anyone, and somehow none of you here know anyone either. Who would I bring?”

“What about that guy you met at the bar that one time? I see his name popping up on your phone all the time.”

Ellie snatches her phone from her desk and holds it against her chest as Kendyl cranes her neck to see that her statement is actually fact, three messages from Quinn, a fourth appearing while they were talking. “You need to learn what a boundary is.”

“And you need to learn what the Focus feature is on your phone when you’re showing me things because his name always shows up.” 

She couldn’t invite Quinn to the party. She barely knew him, she couldn’t throw him into the party with a bunch of her coworkers who she also barely knew, putting her phone back on the desk without thinking. “He’s probably busy.”

Kendyl rolls her eyes, snatching Ellie’s phone from her desk before she can protest, fiddling with it while Ellie tries to process what could possibly be happening in front of her. “He’s not.”

“What?”

“He’s not busy.” 

“Ken, what did you do?” Kendyl hands Ellie back her phone, a quick conversation with Quinn on her screen, ‘Ellie’ asks him what he was doing the night of the holiday party and he immediately answers that he is free. “Why are you like this?” 

Kendyl shrugs, slowly backing away from Ellie’s desk. “You had fun talking to him at the bar, enough fun that he responded to you within seconds of being asked if he was free.” 

Ellie looks back at her phone as Kendyl finally leaves her alone. The whole idea of having to bring a date seemed archaic in a way that Ellie couldn’t quite put her finger on. Why did she have to bring someone she barely knew to a party with more people she barely knew?

But she really did know Quinn better than she was letting on. She still didn’t know what he did with his life, him weirdly making her promise not to look him up, which made Ellie immediately question if he was a serial killer. He wasn’t, allegedly, but that still didn’t make sense. 

She knew that he was from the States, went to school there until he left early for whatever job he had. He has two younger brothers, and apparently is known amongst his friends for looking like he was having a nonstop existential crisis, while also being nicknamed ‘Huggy Bear.’ She also knew that he was sweet, and listened to her when she went off on a tangent about something, him following right along and matching the energy she had. She knew that she wanted to see him again every night since she had met him that first time, and that he wanted the same thing.

His name came up on her phone, a call from him. “Hi, sorry, it’s easier to talk than text right now.”

“Why are you out of breath?”

“Workout.” Must be nice to have a job where he can just go and work out in the middle of the day, Ellie thinks to herself. “So, the 18th?”

“Yeah,” Ellie lets out, suddenly nervous. It felt like she was asking him for something much more serious than just going with her to an office party. “It’s the holiday party for my company, and apparently everyone needs to bring a date.”

“And you want me to find you one?”

Ellie’s jaw drops at his comment. “No, idiot, I wanted to bring you.” 

“Oh, thank god. I was running through my friends who would go and none of them are good enough for you.”

Ellie could feel the heat rushing to her cheeks at his comment. Did he consider this a date? Was it a date? Was it bad if she considered it a date and he didn’t? What if he didn’t? Why was her mind running at a mile a minute while Quinn was there on the other end of her phone waiting for her to say something else? “So that’s a yes?”

“Of course, it’s a yes. It’s one of the few nights I have off, I want to spend it with you.”

The next days went by in a blur, Ellie freaking out over everything from what she was going to wear, texting and calling Quinn even more, wishing that they could see each other sooner.

“It’s not obsessive, is it?” she asks Kendyl, staring at herself in the mirror. Kendyl insisted on coming over to Ellie’s place to get ready, telling her that her roommate had their partner over that night and the last thing she needed to do was try to use the bathroom to get rid when they had a habit of taking it over for more than a few hours.

“No, El, you just like him. I think it becomes obsessive when you start to stalk him and you show up to where he works unprovoked.” 

“Why do you say that like you’ve either done that or you’ve had that happen to you?”

“I’ll let you decide which one is better. What time is Quinn coming?”

“He’s supposed to get here in ten minutes.” 

“Just breathe, El. You’re going to have fun.” Kendyl left her to finish getting herself ready, her date already waiting outside to take her to the party. They could have all gone together, as pointed out by Kendyl, but it was better to not throw Quinn directly into the fire that was her closest coworker. 

Ellie’s phone starts ringing, not checking but expecting it to be Quinn calling to tell her he was early. She pops out of her seat to head to the door, picking up the phone and answering with an excited “Hi!”

“Eleanor?” 

Ellie stops in her tracks, her mom’s voice coming over her phone speaker. “Mom?”

“Sweetie, can you do me a favor?” 

Ellie felt her heart drop to her stomach, already knowing what her mom was going to ask her. It was the same thing that her mom always asked since she first got a job when she was in high school, every time she answered the phone while she was getting her degree, no matter where Ellie was in her life, it was never a call that a mother should have to make to one of her children this often. “Mom,” she lets out, knowing that she couldn’t say no.

“Please, Eleanor. I need the money. I, I-” 

“Mom, you promised,” Ellie cuts her off, not wanting to hear anymore even though she knew her mom would keep going.

“I thought I would get a raise before they sent the eviction notice this time.”

“Mom,” Ellie says, more exasperated this time. “You have to stop doing this. You do this to me every time.” 

“Alexander can’t help this time.”

Ellie heard a knock at her door, not even processing the fact that she should be looking through the peephole to make sure it wasn’t a murderer, opening it, and letting whoever it was in. Thankfully, it was Quinn, waving him in and motioning to give her a moment.

“Alex is still in college, already struggling because you’re no help. He shouldn’t have to give you anything in the first place.”

Quinn stands there, clearly uneasy at listening to only Ellie’s end of the conversation but following Ellie into her room regardless. He stands in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed while he watches Ellie continue to get ready. 

“But you said last time that I couldn’t ask you again.”

“I didn’t mean for you to ask my little brother.”

“Eleanor, please. He’ll have nowhere to come home to. I’ll have nowhere to go home to.”

“What happened to everything you had last time I asked you?”

“It went towards all of the other bills, I promise. I’ll send you every confirmation for every bill I have.” 

“You’re not lying to me this time?”

“I’m not, I swear!”

“How many months did Alex cover?”

“Only half of one month.”

“How many months are you behind?”

“I swear I used everything I had to pay-”

“Mom, how many months are you behind?” Ellie knew she was raising her voice, forgetting that Quinn was even behind her. She stopped putting her makeup on at this point, knowing that the tears that were about to fall were going to ruin what she had already on, anyway. 

“Four.”

“Fuck, Mom.”

“Please?” her mom’s voice comes through, small and on the brink of breaking. “I know I’m still paying you back from last time. But what else am I supposed to do?’

“I’m sending it now,” she tells her, hanging up before her mother could say anything else. Ellie forgot Quinn was standing there in her doorway, putting her phone down on her vanity and putting her face in her hands. This couldn’t be happening again. Not again.

Quinn clears his throat, causing Ellie to jump. “Should I go?” he asks, creeping into her room.

Ellie wipes the tears from her cheeks, cursing herself mentally for now having to redo the makeup she already took too long to do the first time. “Uh,” she stammers, “No, no. I’ll be ready in a second.”

“Ellie,” Quinn kneels on the floor next to her, gently placing his hand on her thigh. “We don’t have to go to this.” 

“No, it’s fine, I’m fine.”

“El.” 

Ellie finally turned to him, the genuine concern on his face causing her to burst into tears. He reached up and pulled her close to him, his one hand on her back, the other holding her head on his shoulder, letting her cry on his white shirt. She hears him let out a quiet shushing noise, trying to comfort her in the way she had needed for so long. She cried for so long that she didn’t know how much time passed. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” he whispers when she finally stops crying, not moving from their position. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She never told anyone about the stuff with her mom. Ellie had been holding it in for years, going from friend to friend, place to place, never letting this out with anyone who wasn’t her younger brother, the one person who would understand and who she knew also understood what it was like. 

But there was something about Quinn. She thought she could trust him, for whatever reason. She never told her ex-boyfriends in college or high school, despite the fact that this had been going on since then. 

Ellie takes in a deep breath. “The only people who know this are me, my mom, and my brother, do you understand?” she asks him, watching him nod. “It started, I think, when my dad left. I was probably 10? Alex was 6, maybe?  I don’t even remember, honestly. This probably started before Dad left, Alex and I think it’s why he left. But our mother is absolutely shit when it comes to money. Like, put us in debt every few months that then somehow fell to us as her children to bail her out.” 

“God,” Quinn lets out, Ellie continuing over him.

“I think we realized it was getting bad when she told us we were moving somewhere smaller right before I was starting high school, out of the blue, when we had already moved to ‘somewhere smaller’ three times in four years. Normally she said she had been planning it because we, of course, needed somewhere to live, and she didn’t like where we were, but that was weird. I didn’t realize it was because we had been evicted every single time until I found the seven eviction notices my second year of high school from the last three times and a notice that we were getting evicted that year, too.”

“Ellie, I’m so sorry,” he tells her, pulling her back in for a hug. 

She sighed, knowing that there was nothing more he could say. “At this point it’s normal, it’s just still frustrating when she tells me and Alex that she’s fine and that she has the money for everything, and then out of nowhere, tells us she hasn’t paid the rent for her current place in four months. Like, do you know what it’s like to have your mother owe you nearly a hundred thousand dollars because of how much she keeps needing?”

“I can’t even imagine.” The two of them sit in silence for a moment, neither of them sure what to do next. 

“I’m glad you can’t. It fucking sucks,” she says, turning back to her vanity mirror. “God, I don’t even want to go to this stupid party anymore.” 

“Hey, we don’t have to go if you don’t want to. We can stay here, we can go to my place, we can go somewhere else, we can do anything.”

“We?”

“I don’t want to leave you, Ellie. I came tonight because I wanted to spend time with you,” Quinn tells her, taking her hand in his. “If you’ll let me, I’ll take you wherever you want.” 

“You don’t have to.”

“Ellie, I want to be with you.” 

___________________

“Kendyl, I told you, I’m hanging out with Quinn and the rest of the guys tonight.” 

“Can I please come?”

“Absolutely not.” 

“But you’re dating the captain of the fucking Vancouver Canucks. You have to bring your best friend along with you.” 

“Alexander can’t come tonight either.”

“Ok, rude.”

Ellie was already nervous about meeting Quinn's teammates. It had taken a while for her to wrap her head around that he was not only a hockey player, but a professional one, and the actual captain of the team. Honestly, she didn’t see it coming. She had heard so much about Elias and Brock that she felt like she knew them at this point. She hadn’t even met them. As close as she had gotten to Kendyl in the last six months she spent at her job, and as much time as they spent together outside of work when she wasn’t with Quinn, she didn’t need Kendyl mixed into the group. 

“Let me meet them first, then we can talk about you meeting them, ok?” she tries to assure her, hearing a knock at her door. “I’ve gotta go, Quinn is here.”

She hangs up on Kendyl before she can protest, slightly worried that she would use the ‘Find my friends’ feature to just stalk the house they were going to and end up on the doorstep uninvited. 

“Hi,” she opens the door, stopping for a second to take him in. God, she hated how hard she fell for him in a short amount of time. He was perfect to her at that moment. 

He pulled her in for a kiss, one that made her wish they were staying in rather than heading to spend time with his friends. “Hi,” he whispers, kissing her again before pulling away. “You look amazing, as always.”

“I’m wearing jeans and a sweater,” she counters.

“And?” He could say anything to her with that stupid smile on his face and make her swoon. “Ready?”

They head out to his car, Ellie’s heart racing as they get closer and closer to Thatcher’s house. She wasn’t great with meeting large groups of people all at once, despite being in a new school nearly every year of her awkward teenage years and being forced to interact with new people every time. 

“Hey,” Quinn says, resting his hand on her thigh as he drives down the highway, giving her a gentle squeeze to try to calm her down. “You’re going to like the guys. And they’re going to love you.”

“Yeah?” she says, her voice shaking slightly. 

“How could they not?” he asks, taking her hand and bringing to his lips, his eyes glued to the road in front of them so he couldn’t see her melting at his words and his touch. “You’ll get along great with Elias.”

“He’s the one from Sweden?”

“Yeah,” Quinn tells her, pulling into the driveway of a house so massive Ellie wasn’t sure people could actually live in it. It was certainly bigger than anything she could have ever dreamed of being near, let alone being invited to. “He’s got kind of a dry humor. You’ll like him.”

Ellie takes in a deep breath, feeling incredibly inadequate just getting out of his car and standing on the pavement of a place like Thatcher’s house. Maybe she should have invited Kendyl. 

Quinn takes her hand, pulling her along to the door when everything inside her was telling her to turn around and just run. There was no way she was good enough to be in this house, not with everything in her life, not when Quinn and his teammates had everything they could possibly want at the tips of their fingers. 

He stops at the door, pulling her close to him, dropping her hand, and cupping her face to kiss her again, calming her immediately. “Hi,” he breathes when he pulls away.

“Hi again. What was that for?” she asked, his hands slipping down to her waist, sending a shiver through her entire body as he traced her sides. 

“I’m going to want to do that so many times tonight, but I know the guys will tease us for it. I’ve gotta do what I can now.” 

That shouldn’t have made her feel the way it did. He could say or do anything at this point and she would melt. 

They go inside, the house loud and full of people despite Quinn telling her that it was just supposed to be a ‘small get-together.’ Everything in the house looked expensive, Ellie’s anxiety immediately spiking. She followed Quinn blindly through the house, all of his teammates talking to him and him introducing her to all of them while she stood there nearly mute over the sheer stimulus overload that was all around her. She barely noticed the drinks that found their way in hers and Quinn's hands, drinking once she saw Quinn drinking it, as well. 

“Elias is right over here,” he whispers in her ear, his hand still in hers and giving her a reassuring squeeze as he leads her off into one of the side rooms. The room was quieter, the lights dimmer, and had a lot less people than any of the other rooms. 

“You got here half an hour ago and you’re just making it in here?” one of the guys asks as she and Quinn sit next to each other on the couch. “Ellie, you have to get him to go faster through the greetings next time. I cannot be left alone with Brock for this long.”

She looks at Quinn, confused as to how they already know her name. 

“You know I have to say hi to everyone, I’m captain.”

“As captain, you should be able to do one big greeting and let that be it so you can seclude yourself in a separate room where you don’t have to talk to everyone else,” one of the other guys said.

“Every time you talk, Brock, you add more to the long list of why you would make a horrible captain.”

“I would be a great captain.” 

“Elias, Brock, jeez.” 

“You know you can’t leave us alone for too long.” 

Ellie gets lost in their conversation, not even being able to contribute to what they were saying because their verbal sparring is so fast and so specific to their history with each other, she wouldn’t even know where to begin. Quinn puts his arm around her, pulling her closer to him by her waist. He looks at her while Brock and Elias continue bickering, smiling at her and giving her a soft kiss on her forehead. 

The guys interrupt them, jeering and teasing them to the point where Ellie has her face buried in Quinn’s shoulder, trying to hide from the embarrassment. “So, Ellie, what do you see in El Capitan here?” Brock asks, giving the most obnoxious facial expression possible.

“You do not have to answer that,” Elias tells her. “Brock has no idea how to interact with anyone, just ignore him.”

“That’s not true.” 

“You thought a good pick up line to use on a girl was ‘you dropped something, my jaw,’ the other night and then were shocked when she just turned and walked away,” Elias says, earning a laugh from Ellie and Quinn.

“You have definitely taken a girl out on a date and then talked about yourself the entire time,” Quinn adds, Brock shrinking further into his seat. 

“You look like the kind of guy that would go to a bookstore and pretend to look lost to see if a girl would talk to you,” Ellie adds, sending the guys into a frenzy. 

“He wouldn’t have to pretend to be lost,” Elias says, poking a pouting Brock in the leg. “You should come around more, Ellie.”

“She’s spent too much time with Quinn already,” Brock whines, Quinn pulling her so she’s practically in his lap, kissing her cheek.

“I told you,” he whispers, just loud enough for only her to hear. “I need you to come around more, too.” Ellie turns to him, her cheeks burning before they both burst out laughing. “That sounded horrible.”

The four of them fall into an easy conversation, the three boys doing everything they can to make Ellie feel included, not shying away from teasing her like they were each other earlier. She felt comfortable. 

Ellie eventually excused herself to go to the bathroom and get more drinks for her and Quinn, the alcohol finally hitting her. She barely finds her way back to the room the guys were in, Thatcher’s house seeming much bigger now that she wasn’t sober and much harder to navigate without Quinn taking her around.

She didn’t mean to listen to their conversation, standing on other side of the opening without them seeing her.

“Brock, I swear, if brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t be able to blow your fucking nose,” she hears Elias say, stiffling a laugh as Brock mumbles something about not meaning to spill his drink on Elias.

“Anyway,” Quinn grunts, sounding like he was getting off the floor.

“Ellie is awesome, by the way,” Elias says, Ellie sure she missed some sort of segue that could have led the conversation from Brock to Ellie.

“She’s snarky,” Brock adds, Ellie hearing a smack and Brock letting out a cough. “That’s not a bad thing.” 

“I met her by accident but I cannot think about what it would be like without her now,” she hears Quinn say, Ellie trying to figure out if she actually heard him right. That sounded like he was much more serious about her than she thought he was. 

“Woah, Quinn,” Elias says. “You met her a few months ago.”

“God, I know,” she hears Quinn let out. “But you know how you just know sometimes? You run into this person one day and they just make your life better?”

“You guys made my life worse since I met you,” Brock mutters. “I say goodnight to her every night and I can’t wait until I can say good morning to her the next day.” 

“You’re a simp.”

“Can you blame me? She’s perfect.”

Ellie finally enters the room, trying her best to pretend that she didn’t just hear everything Quinn told his friends, the ones he told her he would trust with anything. It had to mean something that they already knew who she was before coming and that he could tell them those things unprovoked.

Quinn lights up at the sight of her, giving her another kiss and wrapping his arms around her when she sits down. “You took a bit,” he comments. 

“This house is confusing,” she lies.

Elias and Brock continue to bicker while ignoring Ellie and Quinn. Ellie eventually finishes her drink, along with the third one that Brock had managed to hand off to her at some point, sinking down so her head was in Quinn’s lap.

“How often do you think about the future?”

“I mean, I’m normally thinking about what I’m making for my next meal once I finish the one I’m eating.”

Ellie groans, their hands intertwined and in constant movement, suddenly regretting how much they had both had to drink. She looks up at him, a smile on her face despite the look on his that told her he had absolutely no thoughts behind those eyes. “Like, us in the future. Our future.”

“Huh,” Quinn starts, “I don’t know. I like us right now where we are.” 

Ellie nods, trying to hide the disappointment that she felt. Why could he tell Elias and Brock what he thought about her, but not tell her? He hadn’t even called her his girlfriend to her face, yet. Were they even boyfriend and girlfriend yet? Was it too early to even ask, or should she even ask at all?

They were staying over at Thatcher’s house at this point, neither of them in the position to drive, Elias and Brock electing to stay on the couches. Quinn pulls her up and kisses her, a yawn escaping her after he pulls away. “Want to head to bed? Thatch said we can snag one of the guest rooms.”

Ellie nodded, Quinns hand in hers as he lead her down the hallway. She should be nervous, the first night they were spending together completely unplanned and in one of his teammates house instead of somewhere special. 

But it was with Quinn.

She was fine.  

___________________

“When are you going to be ready?” 

“When I am.”

“You’re taking way too long.” 

“I am not taking too long, you got ready too quickly.”

“Kendyl, I took an hour to get ready to meet Quinn and his friends, and you started getting ready before I got here,” Ellie groans, lying down on Kendyl’s bed. The group chat Ellie had with Quinn and the guys was blowing up, asking where Ellie and Kendyl were. After meeting Kendyl a while back, Quinn was convinced she would be the person to set Brock straight. Ellie wasn’t convinced, but what was the harm of introducing them?

“I’m meeting a Canuck, tonight, El, I have to look good.”

Ellie sits up, looking at Kendyl in her mirror. She knew her friend was nervous. No matter what she could say, nothing would change. “I promise you, you could wear nothing more than a trash bag and Brock would be drooling over you.” 

Kendyl took a deep breath. “Are you sure?”

“Ken, you’re beautiful. You’re funny. You can verbally spar with anyone to get what you want at any time. If you decide you want something to happen with Brock, there’s no way he wouldn’t agree to it.”

Kendyl nods, finally getting up and grabbing Ellie’s hand and her coat to drag her out the door. 

“Are we sure we’re going to have fun?” Kendyl asks, the shaking in her voice something Ellie had never heard before.

“You sound like me now.” It was still winter in Vancouver, the below freezing temperatures combined with the warmest bar appropriate outfits they had not enough to actually keep them warm as they walked through the city to meet all of the guys. 

“What are they like? I only know Quinn.”

Ellie has to stop and think for a moment. How did she even begin to describe them? “I think you just have to wait and see. Quinn is nothing like them.” 

“Oh, my god, you hate your boyfriend's friends.”

“No, what?” Ellie asks, unable to hide her laughter. “I really like his friends. I’m getting closer with Elias and Brock is definitely good for a laugh when you need it.” 

Kendyl nods, both of them shivering as they walk. Quinn had such a warm jacket, Ellie thought back to the night the two of them met. She wouldn’t have been able to see herlife with Quinn coming. She thought Kendyl was just an annoying coworker, Quinn would be just a hook up, and that she would end up having to move home because of her mom and Alex. She never thought it would be this. 

They get to the bar after feeling like they were walking forever, Quinn making a beeline to Ellie as soon as they made eye contact. “God, I’m happy you’re here,” he slurs, planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

“Wow, you’re already drunk,” she points out, trying to push him away slightly. Quinn had told her they were going into a break in the season, so getting drunk was necessary. She had seen him a little drunk, more tipsy than anything, but never like this, and never in public. “Let’s get you some water, babe.”

Quinn lets out a giggle, slinging his arm around Ellie while she focuses on him instead of getting Kendyl over to Brock. She looks around the bar for her friend, or at least one of the guys to hopefully help her make sure he doesn’t go much farther than he already was with the alcohol. 

“Ellie, right?” she hears from behind her as she sets Quinn down at the booth in the back where the rest of the guys were seated. She turns around, one of the new guys in the office standing behind her, glass of beer in hand. 

“Uh, yeah, hey. Dylan, right?”

“Declan, actually,” he corrects her, a quick apology escaping her lips. “Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt, I just saw Kendyl over by the bar and she mentioned you were here. I wanted to say hi.”

Even though it was darker in the bar, Ellie swears she saw him blushing, fidgeting and acting nervous in front of her. The guys didn’t seem to notice she was even standing there, but Declan seemed to be trying to take in everything about her. 

“Are you here with anyone?” she asks, feeling Quinn pull her into his lap, Ellie falling without an ounce of grace down towards him. “Sorry, this is my boyfriend, Quinn, and some of his friends.”

“Uh, hi,” he says, Ellie feeling Quinns arms wrap tighter around her as Declan talks, “I’m here with my roommate, but I lost him about half an hour ago.” 

“You should join us then,” Quinn says, moving him and Ellie further into the booth to make room for Declan. The tone in his voice told her he really didn’t want to do that. 

Kendyl finally comes back with drinks, Quinn taking the beer that was meant for Ellie and downing it much faster than he should have. Brock was already captivated by Kendyl as soon as she sat down, Elias rolling his eyes as he was making a fool of himself, Kendyl finding it weirdly endearing.

“So, Deacon,” Quinn starts, much louder than he should have been. “How do you know my girlfriend?”

“Uh,” Declan says, as caught off guard by Quinn’s sudden shift in mood as Ellie is, “I work with her. Just started about a month ago.”

Quinn nods. “What did you do before this?”

“I was a nurse in the ICU at Vancouver General.” 

“Couldn’t handle it, Derek?” 

“Quinn, what?” Ellie scoffs. 

Declan coughs, clearly getting uncomfortable fast. “It was a lot, so no. I liked helping people, but seeing traumatic thing after traumatic thing takes a toll on you really fast. So I went back to school and ended up with Ellie and Kendyl.” 

“Ah, a college degree.” 

“Quinn,” Ellie hissed. She didn’t like where this was going, Quinn holding on to Ellie like he was marking his territory. 

“I actually don’t have my degree, yet.”

“Interesting thing to brag about?” Declan says, nervously sipping on his beer. 

“Well, it’s hard to finish when you get called up to play with the Canucks, you know?”

Declan shrugs. “Is that the CFL team? I don’t follow sports.”

Ellie gets off Quinns lap, pushing Declan aside and dragging Quinn along with her. She didn’t need to hear what Quinn was going to say next. He was starting to act like a jackass and she didn’t want to see more. 

The two of them end up outside, the cold hitting Ellie like a slap in face. “What is wrong with you? He wasn’t doing anything for you to act like that to him.”

“I don’t like him,” Quinn pouts.

“You just met him.”

“I don’t like people who are trying to take my girl.”

Ellie can’t help but scoff. “‘Take your girl?’ What, am I your property? Did you get a good dowry? How many sheep did you have to give my family in exchange for your hand?”

Quinn rolls his eyes. “Come on, Ellie.”

“No, Quinn, you come on. He wasn’t hitting on me. He doesn’t even know me to like me.”

“Of course he likes you, Ellie, look at you.” Quinn takes a step closer to her, suddenly getting softer towards her. “You’re so pretty. You’re so smart. You know what to do with everything.” 

“If he likes me, that doesn’t matter,” Ellie snaps, still annoyed with him. “I don’t like him. I like you. I’m dating you. That should be enough for you to not act like an asshole towards him.”

Quinn hangs his head. “I’m sorry.” 

“You should be saying that to him.”

The two of them stand there in the cold in silence, Ellie not wanting to budge and Quinn wanting her to go with him. “Come with me?”

Ellie bites her lip, her mood ruined because of him in just a short amount of time. “I think I’m going to go home. I’m tired, anyway.”

“Let me walk you?” Just like the night they met.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll let you know when I’m back.”

They stand there for another moment, Quinn making the first move to pull Ellie in for a kiss. “I love you, Ellie.”

Ellie hadn’t been thinking about love with him yet. She wasn’t there yet. “Goodnight, Quinn,” she told him, turning and walking away, leaving him there on the sidewalk.

___________________

“Have you ever loved anyone?” 

“Uh, you.”

“Not that kind of love, idiot.”

“Oh, um. I was in love with Tess Virtue for a while there.”

“While I get that, I still don’t mean that kind of love, Alex.” 

Alex laughs on the other end of the call, Ellie getting ready for work while he got ready for class. “El, you’re the older sister here, aren’t I supposed to be asking you this?”

Ellie and Quinn were in a weird place since Ellie left that night. She had hoped that Quinn was too drunk to remember that he had told her loved her and Ellie’s response was just to walk away. She didn’t know if she was in love with him. She knew she wanted to be with him. She didn’t know if she loved him.

“I mean,” Ellie starts, not sure where to go. 

“Are you and Quinn ok?” Ellie tells her brother everything that happened, Alex staying silent for a few seconds after she finished. “Ellie, you did this last time.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Not to go psychology major on you,” Alex says, earning a groan from his sister, “But I think you’re more messed up from Dad leaving than you like to admit you are. You have what sounds like a solid relationship with this guy but you’re afraid that if you let him love you and you let yourself love him, that he’s going to leave just like Dad did. He left us with Mom and we never got that love back.” 

Ellie takes a deep breath. “Jesus. At least I know your degree is worth it.” 

“I could be wrong. I’m only six semesters into this degree, after all.”

“I hate you.” 

“I love you, too, El.” 

Everything goes back to her parents. There’s no reason she couldn’t love Quinn. 

She was in a daze on her commute to the office. Does she love him? Regardless of Alex’s psychoanalysis, even if their dad leaving them with their mom made her think anyone who would love her would leave, is she able to love him?

She wanted to be with him, but she didn’t know what it was like to love him.

“You look horrible,” Kendyl says, Declan trying not to make eye contact with her at their little desk clump, probably trying to not agree. 

“Thank you, for that,” Ellie huffs, dropping her bag on the floor before she falls into her chair. “I just had a weird morning. Don’t really want to talk about it.” 

The morning passes by in a blur, the menial tasks of her job at least giving Ellie something to take her mind off Quinn. Anytime her mind would start to wander, anytime she thought about him in any way, she would just switch back to work mode and force herself to do whatever it is she needed to do.

“Hey,” Ellie thinks she hears from behind her, someone sounding just like Quinn. She ignored it, figuring it was just her imagination and her officially losing her mind over what was going on in her relationship. “Babe?”

Ellie jumps, thoroughly surprised that Quinn was actually standing behind her. “I thought you were leaving for Florida today.”

Quinn pulls her up, kissing her hello, a soft look on his face that told Ellie that everything was ok. “We leave in a few hours, so I wanted to come by and surprise you. Do you have a minute?”

Ellie nods, following Quinn down to the lobby of the building. She knew that if she went somewhere in the office, Kendyl would probably have her ear glued to the other side of the wall of whatever room they were in to try to listen to their conversation. 

“So, you don’t love me,” Quinn lets out slowly, pausing a little between each word, breaking Ellie’s heart each time.

“God,” she lets out.

“It’s ok.” They stand in silence, what they had with each other when they first met already somehow dying off between them. “I’m ok.”

“I want to love you. You know I have other things going on that are messing with my mind. You know me.” 

Quinn rolls his eyes, Ellie taking a step back. “What, the stuff with your mom?” Ellie gives him a small nod. “You can’t keep using that as an excuse, Ellie,” he snaps.

Ellie recoils at his words, the person in front of her not the same one who told her would always be there for her when she needed him, that he would help if she would let him and that he wanted to be there, for her and with her, for everything. This was someone who wouldn’t do any of that. “It’s not an excuse. It’s my life, Quinn. You grew up never having to worry about coming home from school and learning that the lights were turned off, or getting scared that the heat would get cut off in the middle of the winter, or that you were two days away from living in a car,” she nearly yells at him, catching him off guard. “I’m sorry that it messed me up and I’m trying to fix it and at least be honest with you about it because I want to be with you.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, you idiot. I want to be with you. But I don’t know what it’s like to be loved by someone who stays. I don’t know what it’s like to love someone who wants to stay. I think I love you, but I don’t think that my work is the place to figure it out.” 

Quinn smiles at her, hugging her and holding her tight, every part of her relaxing as he does so. “That’s all I need. That’s all I want.” 

___________________

“Ok, if we have to stay all night, then we’re ordering food.” 

“I never agreed to staying all night.” 

“Ellie, we have to get this done before we go home.”

“Yeah, but I have plans tonight. I’m not staying all night, extra pay or not.”

Declan groans, a stupid smile on his face. “Are you driving to these plans tonight?”

Ellie gets a bad feeling in her stomach, one that puts a smile on her face regardless. This project had forced them together much more often than Quinn probably would have liked if he found out. The client was demanding it be done three weeks faster than anticipated,which meant they had to get it done before Monday. “Nope. Why?” Declan gets up from the table the two of them and Kendyl are sitting at in the conference room to give them more space to spread out, running over to his desk and yanking one of the drawers open. “Dex, what are you doing?” Ellie calls.

The three of them had already been in the office much longer than everyone else, the rest of their colleagues having left early for the weekend while the three of them stayed behind.

Ellie had plans with Quinn that night for the first time in a while.

“Getting this,” Declan says, pulling her out of the spiraling thoughts she was having about her relationship.

He holds up three plastic red cups and a bottle of rum, the one alcohol that Ellie could stomach without any mixer, a sociopathic tendency as Kendyl would call it. “Why is that there?” Kendyl asks.

Declan shrugs, popping open the bottle with ease and pouring way more than a single shot into each of the cups. “One of the clients gave it to me as a thank you.”

“We never get alcohol as a thank you,” Ellie scoffs, Kendyl agreeing.

“Men,” Kendyl rolls her eyes.

Declan laughs, raising his cup to Ellie and clinking it against hers, downing it in a few seconds as he watches Ellie do the same. Both of them cough, the liquid burning down their throats much more than they were expecting, neither of them breaking eye contact with each other while forgetting Kendyl was there with them. ��Alright, we work until we’re done. We refill when we need to.”

Ellie smiles at him, the warmth of the alcohol already coursing through her. Her phone starts buzzing, a call coming in from someone whose contact she can’t quite make out. “No phones.”

The three of them get to work, the sun setting without them realizing it as their phones keep buzzing over and over again. They weren’t even entirely sure what the project was that their boss was asking of them, but then again, when were they ever?

They had to have been working for at least two hours straight without moving, feeling like they hadn’t even made a dent in the amount of tasks they had for the project. “I need to go home,” Kendyl groans, rubbing her hands over her face.

“We need to finish this,” Ellie points out.

“We need more alcohol.” Declan gets up, already somehow emptying the bottle into their three cups. He winks at Ellie, yet again ignoring Kendyl and sending a chill down Ellie’s spine before heading back out of the conference room without another word. 

Kendyl squeals once he’s out of earshot, shaking Ellie’s arm. “Oh, my god, he is so obsessed with you.”

“He is not,” Ellie insists, the heat running to her cheeks at the thought of her coworker liking her. She’s dating Quinn. Dating a coworker is out of the question. Dating Delcan isn’t even a thought.

“Ellie, I’m not even here when he’s around. You two are flirting so much.”

“I’m not sure you know what flirting is.”

“What about Quinn?”

Ellie’s stomach churned at his name. “Quinn and I are fine,” she tells Kendyl, trying to ignore how high her voice got involuntarily. 

“El.”

“Ken.”

“You’re lying to me.” Ellie bites her lip, hating that Kendyl knew her well enough to tell. “What’s going on with you two? You were off last time I saw you together.”

Ellie sees Declan out of the corner of her eye shifting around the desks outside the conference room. “I have no idea.” Kendyl stays silent, Ellie feeling like she has to fill the space. “We see each other less and less now, part of it because of both our jobs right now.”

“Well, that makes sense, that happens.”

“But when we do spend time together, we don’t say anything. We barely talk anymore at all. It’s like we ran out of things to say.”

“Who has nothing to say?” Declan interrupts, plopping down in his chair with another bottle of rum.

“Ellie and Quinn. Why do you have another bottle?” Kendyl asks.

“I have many bottles. Who’s Quinn?” 

“Ellie’s boyfriend.” 

Declan just nods, giving Ellie an uneasy feeling as they both take a sip of their drinks again, the eye contact between them mixed with the alcohol making her mind spin. “We’re just going through a weird phase right now. We’ll get through it.”

Kendyl recaps what Ellie told her, unprompted, to Declan, who infuriatingly just sits there, the alcohol making him look way too attractive for Ellie’s liking. “You don’t want my opinion, do you?” he asks.

“Kendyl gives me hers all the time when I don’t want it, you might as well give yours.”

“You’re both busy. That happens.”

“See?” Ellie prods Kendyl. 

“But,” Declan starts again, Kendyl sticking her tongue out at Ellie like a child, “Being busy could also mean not being willing to make time for each other.” 

Ellie took in a deep breath, hating what he was saying. It wasn’t like he said that much, but he said enough. The room suddenly felt too small, the work too overwhelming, the alcohol hitting her all at once. “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” she says, practically running out of the room. 

Are she and Quinn not making enough time for each other? Are they just ending their relationship without saying that it’s over? She didn’t think she wanted to break up with him, but at this point, what was staying with him doing for her? 

Ellie looks at herself in the mirror. She didn’t know if it was the alcohol distorting her perception of herself or if it was the mirror that probably hadn’t been cleaned in a while, but she didn’t look like herself. She looked off. She had felt off for a while, but she had no idea why. 

Was it because of Quinn? Ellie had heard that to be loved was to be changed, but what happens when you don’t like how you’ve changed? How much should she fight to get things back to the way there were when they first started seeing each other? What has to happen for her to just give up instead?

“Hey, sorry,” Declan startles Ellie, causing her to lose her balance and stumble against the sink. “I’m sorry that I upset you.”

“No, uh,” Ellie starts, wiping a tear from her cheek she didn’t even know had fallen, “You didn’t upset me.”

“Can I ask you something?” Declan’s voice is gentle as he takes a step closer to you, waiting for her to nod. “If you aren’t happy, why are you still with him?”

Ellie shrugs, not wanting to look at him. If she looks, she’ll fall apart. “I love him. I do. He knows me better than anyone. I’ve told him things I haven’t told anyone outside of my family, not even Kendyl. But sometimes,” she takes in a breath, her voice shaking. “Sometimes I wonder if it was all for nothing. We have no time for each other anymore. I see Kendyl more than I see him.”

“Ellie,” he says, his voice low as he steps closer to her. She was sure he could hear her heart racing. 

She was dating Quinn.

Quinn.

“Oh, fuck,” Ellie practically yells. “What time is it?”

“Uh, 8:30.”

“Quinn was picking me up at 8:15.” Ellie runs from the bathroom, leaving Declan calling after her. She grabs her stuff from the conference room without saying a word to Kendyl. 

She hears Declan in the background, calling after her as she runs down the stairs, dropping things in the stairwell that she doesn’t bother to pick up. She was rattled, Quinn already waiting for what had now become twenty minutes without her so much as texting him back the entire time.

Declan catches up to her, everything she’s dropped in his hands when she bursts through the front door of the building, Quinn’s car at the curb with him leaning against it scrolling on his phone. He looks up, his eyes going between his disheveled girlfriend and the one guy that she talked to that he was worried about, equally out of breath and carrying her things, both of them looking panicked.

He could tell Ellie was drunk. He knew she was drinking with him.

“What is this, Ellie?” he asks, trying to keep a calm tone in his voice as best as he can.

Ellie starts stammering, the alcohol not helping her at all. “We were doing that project I told you about, we lost track of time. I know I’m late but I wasn’t looking at my phone so we could finish as fast as possible.”

Quinn takes in a deep breath, looking up to the sky so he didn’t have to see her reaction to what he was about to say. “Ellie, I know he likes you. I told you likes you the night I met him. And, I know you like him, even if you don’t realize it yet. What am I doing here?”

Ellie steps toward him, her legs starting to shake as she tried to process what he was saying. “Quinn, you’re taking me out. You said we were meeting the guys tonight.”

“No, Ellie. I am. You’re gonna stay here.You’re gonna finish the project. You’re going to spend the night with Declan. You should be with someone who has time for you.”

“Quinn.” 

“We’ve both been busy. We’ve both had way too many things going on to focus on each other. We deserve better. You deserve better.”

“Quinn,” she repeats, standing right in front of him. She reaches up to his cheek, him leaning into her touch as he finally looks at her. “What are you saying?”

“You know, Ellie.” 

They stand there, forgetting Declan behind them and ignoring the world around them. Quinn cups her cheeks, kissing her like he did the very first time. “Bye, Eleanor.”

“Bye, Quinn,” Ellie whispers, not wanting to let go. 

Everything happened so fast. Ellie stood on the curb, wanting to drop her things right on the sidewalk and chase after him as he got in his car and drove away. She didn’t move as Declan came up behind her, gently putting his arm around her to try to comfort her. She didn’t hear him say that he wanted to get her back inside so that Kendyl could be with her, so that she’d have someone she trusted to talk to after what just happened.

She just stood there. 

___________________

Quinn was miserable. The guys were all with their partners, while Quinn sat in the middle with no one by his side. All he had was the beer in front of him that he didn’t even want to drink. 

He should be happy. They were already having a great season. They had already secured a playoff spot. The team was playing to have fun and winning was coming because of it. 

Brock comes up to him with Kendyl, the two of them still going strong. Quinn liked Kendyl, but seeing her still reminded him of Ellie, even if the two of them didn’t work together anymore. 

“Come on, buck up. There are plenty of girls here that you could at least talk to,” Brock tries to encourage him.

Quinn just shrugs him off, slowly turning the glass of beer around on the table. He wasn’t in the mood to be there, but there was no way the guys would let him leave this early. 

Brock leaves to get another round of drinks, Kendyl staying behind. “She’s doing ok, you know,” she says, barely above a whisper. 

Quinn sighs. “I miss her.” 

Kendyl puts her hand on his shoulder, giving him a sympathetic smile. “I know.”

They sit for a moment, both of them unsure what to say next. What do you say to someone who was still broken over something that should have never shattered in the first place?

“Hey, isn’t that that Dexter guy you work with?” Elias comes over and asks, pointing to the other side of the bar. 

Quinn feels the air escape his lungs, Ellie and Declan together, Declan holding on to her as a guy moved past them, pressing their bodies against each other. She didn’t hesitate to take the opportunity to drape her arms on his shoulders, getting up on her toes to kiss him, their foreheads pressed together when they pull away while they looked at each other like they were the only people in the world. 

“She’s happy,” Kendyl says. 

“She’s happier,” Quinn corrects her, his heart breaking at the fact that he couldn’t do that for her. 

[porpunta]

my AU (Jr and Sr Quaritch's) pt. 2

Miles Jr Quaritch lives in a divergence between his own imagination, the millipede world, and his family tradition, his father's expectations. It was hard to get out of the warm cocoon his father had spun for him, and yet he longed to spread his wings.

1. When Miles got a small mole on his neck at the age of one, Paz noticed it immediately, worried about its behavior and whether it would develop into a malignant spot. Quaritch, due to his long night shifts, didn't notice this tiny change on his son's body. And when she pointed it out to him so that he would keep an eye on it after their divorce, Miles Sr became more attentive, albeit skeptical. And to this day, in a self-calming act, he gently rubs the mole on his son's neck when he ruffles his golden curls or cradles him on the couch.

2. No one in Quaritch's unit enjoyed Junior's tears. And not because of his cries, but rather because he was quiet. His face would turn red and he choked on his sobs. Only papa could calm him down, for sure.

3. When the former colonel was promoted and his workday became a daytime one, he began to spend more hours with Junior, who missed his mother all the time and didn't want to play or read in the nursery. Little Miles couldn't understand why his mother had gone so far away, even though she called him every day and promised him. She had promised many things, but she never came. At first, the father kept him close to himself when the boy was about to cry. And after long, sorrowful rivers of tears in the evenings, Quaritch found a way, through all the explanations and persuasions, to calm his son down. He would hold him in his lap while in the garden, showing him all the insects he could catch during the summer and fall. Exhausted, Miles seemed to fall into nirvana and clung to his father's chest, looking at the collection of insects.

4. Those children who lived in the same neighborhood as the Quarichs knew from their parents that Miles should be avoided. His father had a dark past, and he worked for people their parents tried to stay away from. Those who didn't know that either befriended him or picked on the boy. However, the boy never held a grudge, tried not to take offense, and never told his father about it. But he couldn't hide the fact that he became friends with Kiri and Neteyam Sully from his dad. And at first he failed to understand the frozen stare of the blue eyes upon him.

5. The boy loved it when Lyle would pick him up from primary school on a big black car. He would tell him bad jokes and buy him sweets in a secret place. That's why he always asked either Zhang or Mansk where Lyle was when they came instead of him.

6. Papa was a busy man, so Miles would stay at the school until very late, or at the nearby security station where Quaritch's squad was based and where he was allowed to hang out. Still, he waited patiently for the sensation of a heavy, warm hand on his neck or shoulder and a kiss placed on his blond hair. It was a ritual so that he could sleep soundly. At least that's what his dad always said.

7. It started when the little boy saw a cocker spaniel somewhere outside the car window. "She's so beautiful, she has a red mane!" followed by, "Have you ever had a dog, papa?" leading to... "Can we get one like that? They're funny and so smart.."

8. That's how a female belgian Shepherd named Cupcake appeared in the Quaritch household. Smart but overly lively, she was only pleased to chase after the equally energetic boy. At times, Miles Sr wondered who would tire out whom first.

9. Miles' temper and stubbornness only improved as he grew older. The more Quaritch tried to put in his two cents, the more the boy wrinkled his nose, defied direct orders, and refused to let his father cut his curls. Protest flared in his blood, in his mother's brown eyes. And Quaritch gave up with a heavy heart, knowing that he would find a way to tame the unruly little fellow someday.

10. When Junior turned seven, his dad's entire squad gathered in the living room of their house. It happened to be after New Year's Eve, and everyone had some time off. The closest people who had cared for him since he was a baby were proud to greet the small bundle of gold sitting at the head of the table. Lopez playfully compared them all to the twelve apostles who had come to celebrate the birth of the young Christ. Indeed, the only thing missing from that picture of the birthday party was a lamb by Junior's side.

Back then, it smelled like homemade food, musk, and heat from the fireplace. Cupcake slept peacefully at the feet of her owners, exhausted with the guests. Back then, the boy never wanted to spread his wings. He wished he could stay there forever.

[foster-the-world]

Blah

I'm very nervous about the Physician Assistant at baby boy's school. The NP at our regular school is amazing. The girls love her - and honestly make up stupid excuses to go see her. I'd rather the teacher would say no but am glad they have someone they trust. She was very nice about baby boy's asthma. She had us take him home once last year. Which was very justified. She called about him a million times because he constantly knocks into things. She was never judgmental - just giving us info.

Both my husband and I already had not great run ins with baby boys new school's PA. She called today because he has a small scratch on his chin. I had seen it but am not sure when he got it. Maybe he scratched himself? Def no blood/very small. You have to look closely to see it. Of course, he didn't notice. His ability to feel pain is much more limited than most people. Anyway, we cut his fingernails and moved on with our life when we saw it. She then says "he says he took a red medicine this morning." He started a daily asthma maintenance medication this weekend. She was like well he has a little runny nose, no fever, but he wants to go home. The kid will 100% of the time want to be with us. Always. He's a mama's boy. She puts him on the phone to tell me he wants to go home. So I get to be an asshole and tell my sweet little kid with is sweet little voice he has to stay. Blah. Unless this new med is a miracle worker he is going to have a runny nose for the next 2-3 months. I'm dreading the thought of calls everyday. He's also no dummy. If he figures out he can go home if he says he is sick we are screwed.

I'm trying to work overtime when the kids go to bed. So my 8-5 workdays are booked with more patients than normal. I really hope I don't have to leave.

We need to book Covid/Flu shots. Need to schedule on a weekend in case they aren't feeling well afterward.

There is a advertising van driving around our neighborhood urging people not to give the Covid shot to their kids. It claims giving kids the Covid shot increases their chances of death by 10%. WTF kind of made up bullshit is that??

[gurugirl]

can we start over | part 5 sneak peek

As requested!! - Sorry not proofread fully! 1k words

...

Mr. Allen was on the phone again. He’d called you into his office but the moment you stepped in he got a call and told you to sit and wait. That it would only be a minute.

And it was only a minute. But then he got another call and now it was 23 minutes later while he was still yammering about some person who was just the worst.

You were used to it, though. Mr. Allen was retired so nothing was a rush for him anymore. Which also meant he held other people up. But waiting for your boss was the least of your worries.

His wife and her ever-changing personality was your biggest concern. She was, to put it mildly, a monster. And to make matters worse, she ran the whole household so you were often seeking her out for things. Mrs. Allen also handled her husband’s schedule and if he was running behind guess who got the blame. That’s right. You did. Every time.

And it was the same thing over and over again. You started your day trying to keep Mr. Allen up to task, failed, got reprimanded and degraded by a nasty human, held back tears and then took a long drive with loud music to clear your head with a quick stop for dinner, probably at a drive-through.

Needless to say, you were already planning on quitting. You’d gotten really lucky with Alfred. And even working with Harry hadn’t been as bad as it was working for Mrs. Allen and her husband. But you tried not to think about Harry if you could help it.

By the time Mr. Allen got off the phone he was running late for his physical therapy appointment. You got him moving along quickly and sent him on his way but not before Mrs. Allen started poking around and making comments under her breath.

“What was that?” You turned to look behind yourself at the wicked witch as she stood near the edge of the foyer.

“He’s late again.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“That is correct.”

She rolled her eyes, “What’s the point of having a personal assistant who can’t even keep the boss on schedule?”

You smiled, holding back your true thoughts, “Well, being as my job description doesn’t entail using physical force on the boss, which is what it would take to get Mr. Allen to keep on time for anything, I’m certain you’ll find that once again, this isn’t my responsibility.”

“Lazy,” she spoke under her breath.

You tilted your head and squinted your eyes at her, “That’s the last thing I am. Now, if you don’t mind, my workday is over. Have a good evening.”

You walked past her to go into your room to pack up your laptop and leave. You’d stay at your own place that night. You hated staying at the Allen’s house. Not only was the room they’d given you a tiny spec of a thing with no windows, no closet, and not even a single rug to cover the cold tile floors but being anywhere near Mrs. Allen made your skin crawl.

“I don’t know why we bother with the room for you,” she was standing in the doorway when you turned around.

“You really didn’t bother much with the room in the first place. That’s why I don’t stay here. My house has a better bed with a big window looking into my backyard. I just feel better in my own bed at night.”

You walked past her and held your breath so as not to inhale her disgusting, pungent perfume. You used to like the scent she wore. But now you loathed it. Whenever you smelled it, even on another woman, it made you queasy. You very much did not like Mrs. Allen.

You turned up the volume on your car radio the moment your front tires hit the road. You always looked forward to going home after work. This day wasn’t as bad as you’d had before and tomorrow you’d do it all over again.

And instead of stopping at a drive-through for fast food, you decided you’d stop at the grocery store and pick up ingredients to actually make something fresh.

Typically you didn’t cook. You didn’t have time for it. Picking up groceries would put you home at almost 8 pm. And then you still needed to cook so you wouldn’t be eating until close to 9 and then you could finally relax with a glass of wine and a good book or something trashy on television. Which was why drive-throughs were your go-to dinner plans. It meant you were home by 7:30 and dinner was already cooked. Not the best use of money and certainly not the healthiest way to live but you wouldn’t be doing it much longer.

You had a meeting to attend with Mr. and Mrs. Allen the following week that piqued your interest. It was for a piece of art that they’d been looking for. And someone found it for them. From an art dealer who was not too far away. You didn’t know for sure but you had a feeling. And you wanted to find out if that feeling was right.

Maybe you were a masochist and just wanted to pour salt onto the wound of your split open heart one more time. Or maybe you did have some hope that it was Harry and that maybe you could try and receive his feelings for you once and for all.

But it’d been just over 9 months since you’d seen him and you were sure he’d moved on by now. There would be no reason for him to still be pining over you the way you were over him. And what were the chances that it was him in the first place? You didn’t know but you needed to find out.

Yeah. You regretted what you’d done. Pushing him away like that. But once you’d done it, it felt like it was too late to go back. Maybe it was your pride. Or that little voice in the back of your head that told you men always leave and they always lie. That anyone that might love you would probably just disappoint you in the end.

tags: @theastrologie @sassamanda77 @princessaxoxo @eiffelmezarry @justfattiethings @michellekstyles @yousunshineyoutempter @tenaciousperfectionunknown @golden-hoax @swiftmendeshoran @luvonstyles @tiaamberxx @lukesaprince @closureesny @justlemmeadoreyou @itsgigikay @angelbabyyy99 @lanadelharry @novasblogofstuff @gills-lounge @damnasstyles @malwtilda @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @0oolookitsme @babybunharry @anothermannharry @love-letters-to-uranus @itjustkindahappenedreally @kelly-fushiguro345 @ssaama @onlyangellucifer @harryistheonlyoneforme @butdaddyilovehim-hs @reveriehs @lc-fics @mema10 @carmenxharry @hannahdressedasabanana @babegoalsreads @icumforbaldrry @harrrrystylesslut @straightontilmornin @elidoho @bananabk9756

[nightlyrequiem]

The Other Side of Paradise

8) To Bond

Cross posted from AO3

Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch.4, Ch.5, Ch.6, Ch.7, Ch.8, Ch.9, Ch.10, Ch.11

You try to make the best of your life working at a small bakery in a city with rising cartel violence. One slower day, a man starts harassing your coworker. Despite the obvious threat, you stand up to him anyway. Unbeknownst to you, Valeria just so happened to be there to witness it.

A/N- All chapters containing smut will be labeled mature. The fic is fully written with the whole thing on AO3 but chapters on Tumblr will be posted one a day.

Tags/Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Dual POV, Happy Ending, Plot with Porn, Graphic Violence, Inappropriate Use of a Knife, Masturbation, WLW

'What are we?' That's the newest question burning through your mind. You have to stop yourself from blurting it out when she visits you occasionally at work. You have to stop yourself from texting the question whenever you pick up the phone. Lest you come off as needy and desperate. The budding romance between you two is still new and delicate and you'd hate to scare her off by springing a question like that on her. If you pretend to be chill and relaxed and let things progress naturally then everything will happen like it should.

That being said, you take extra care to make yourself look nice. More than usual. You go about your workday with a little more energy. Just the chance that Valeria will come in to visit you is enough to make you feel giddy. To give you a renewed sense of purpose. You wash dishes and pack up baked goods with a small smile. Whether or not anyone notices your slightly more upbeat energy, they don't comment on it. Although you almost wish someone would ask you about it. You'd love to gush about your feelings to another person. To talk endlessly about Valeria. It's all you can think about. She's all you can think about.

You wipe down the tables and keep an ear out for the sound of the door opening. At one point, it did, and you turned with a smile only to see some guy. Your disappointment was immeasurable, and you were glad he already knew what he wanted so he'd leave faster. The door opens again, and you look, trying not to be too excited in case it isn't who you're hoping for. It is, and you smile. Resisting the urge to drop the rag and bound over to her like a puppy. Instead, Valeria walks over to you and leans against the wall. Immediately you can tell she's had a rough week. There are slight dark circles under her eyes and just a general aura of exhaustion radiating off of her.

You set the rag down and turn to face her fully.

"I'm glad to see you." You say softly. Hoping to provide at least the smallest amount of comfort. Valeria runs a hand through her shiny black hair.

"Yeah." She replies. "It's nice to be here." You plant your palms on the table and hoist yourself up so you're sitting on it. You'll have to wipe it down again later, but you don't mind.

"Especially near closing." You reply.

"Mhm, it's always so quiet." She murmurs. Her hand reaches out for yours and she casually interlaces your fingers with hers. Your heart acts like it's the most exciting thing to have happened to you.

"I know, I used to come here after school to do homework." You reminisce. You did more eating and reading than actual work, but the details aren't important. You still passed after all.

"I'd seen you a few times, actually." Valeria says quietly. Turning her head to look at you. "My friends used to make fun of you for being by yourself.

You blink. Not entirely sure how to respond to that information.

"Oh. Well... did you ever... participate in that?" You ask awkwardly. Valeria stares at you silently for a few seconds before replying.

"No." You aren't sure how true that is but that was back in high school. She's clearly changed if she's willing to be here with you right now. You're holding hands. Why let that ruin a good thing? Forgive and forget, right?

"How has your day been?" You ask. Switching topics. You're starting to really like the casual small talk with her. It feels domestic.

"Long." She sighs.

You give her hand a slight squeeze.

"How about we go for a walk after I finish cleaning up?" You suggest.

"Doesn't your shift end at ten?" She asks. Furrowing her brows. You just shrug after getting off the table.

"It's only an hour, I'm sure Mateo won't be too mad." You remark. Grabbing the rag to re-wipe the table. Valeria watches you work. You can feel her gaze on the side of your face. It makes you feel a little self-conscious.

"A walk would be nice." She finally says. "We should go down to the creek." Valeria doesn't have to specify which creek. Everyone who grew up in Las Almas knows which creek. It's where children held mock wars and swam. It's where teenagers made it to fourth base and partied. Well, some teenagers anyway. You didn't know enough people to get invited to parties.

You finish up with closing duties and lock down the bakery. You and Valeria decide to walk towards the stretch of woods housing the creek instead of driving. The bakery isn't that far and the whole point of this outing is to walk. To your surprise, your hands stay connected while you two traverse the nearly empty streets. It helps reassure you that your feelings aren't just one sided, as if making out and heavy petting didn't make it clear enough. You make it to the woods and walk along the path in comfortable silence. You forgot about the bug population and have to keep slapping at your own limbs to fend off against hungry mosquitos.

You and Valeria arrive at the creek and sit down in the soft grass beneath a large oak tree. It's dark and a little cool out so you lean against Valeria for warmth. She wraps an arm around your shoulder and holds you. You feel content. You feel happy.

"I used to come down to catch frogs and salamanders." You murmur. You weren't ever successful. Not even with a net.

"I used to play hide and seek; I had this big group of friends when I was ten." Valeria replies. She turns her head to look at you. "I was an excellent hider, always the last to be caught."

"But you were caught eventually, or did you have to come out once everyone gave up looking for you?" Valeria smiles. You catch the glint of her white teeth as she speaks.

"The kids I played with didn't know how to give up." She says. "I was always good at hiding but I couldn't stay hidden forever."

You smile, amused.

"I used to love playing hide and seek, I didn't have many people to play with though and that number dropped significantly once I reached high school."

"I would've played with you." Valeria murmurs. You rest you head on her shoulder.

"No, you wouldn't have." She scoffs but doesn't rebuke your comment. You both know you're right.

"If I were less afraid over what people would've thought of me then I would have." You pause. A little caught off guard by the admission. Valeria never struck you as the type of woman to care what others thought. She was always confident, an a little mean if you're being honest.

You stare off at the glittering water.

"You worried over what people thought of you?" You ask.

"I was a teenage girl, of course I cared." She replies quietly. "I always cared. I always worried I wasn't good enough, not pretty enough, not feminine enough." She admits. She sounds uncomfortable. Valeria straightens up a bit. Her tone hardening. "I'm more than enough now though." You're still surprised over her revelation. Hearing that the woman you've always been a little envious of was probably just as insecure as you had come as a shock.

She doesn't speak again, and you don't ask. You just enjoy her company while you two look out at a shared childhood hotspot. After a while she removes her arm from your shoulder and stands up.

"We should go." She says. You wouldn't mind staying for a little while longer but if she's not staying you don't want to. Being out in the dark woods on your own isn't ideal. You stand up and follow her back to the path. She doesn't hold your hand this time.

[lilsquishy78]

rules from dad!!

1. Remember Dad loves you very much!

2. Always be honest

3. Always let Dad know when you regress, or when you want to

4. Bedtime: 9:30pm, except on workdays

5. Always use your manners and your magic words

6. Drink a full bottle of water everyday

7. No cussing or bad words allowed

8. Try your best to eat at least 3 meals everyday

9. Try your best to be honest about your feelings and tell dad when you feel bad

10. Never say bad things about yourself

11. Say 3 positive things about yourself each day

12. Clean your room before bed

13. Brush your teeth and wash your face ×2 a day

14. If you're feeling upset, tell Dad

15. Always let Dad know if you hurt yourself

16. Only PG and G media while regressed

17. Make your bed every morning

18. Try to make at least one person smile every day

[sweeter-innocence-fics]

My Sweetest Downfall - Chapter Three

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Reader

Work Summary:

Eddie’s back from the Upside Down, but things aren’t exactly how he left them. Hawkins is in pieces, his friends are scattered and the love of his life is… pregnant?

Eddie Munson x Harrington!Reader

Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Epilogue

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 2738

Read on AO3.

Masterlists.

Taglist: @mrs-kai-anderson @ang3l1te @missryerye @eddiesgirlforever @harrys-tittie

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Notes:

warnings for pregnancy stuff, mentions of vomiting, grief

---

~ FOUR MONTHS EARLIER ~

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay on your own?” Steve was perched on the arm of the couch, dressed in his Family Video uniform, looking down at you with concern.

“I’ll be fine,” you said, although you didn’t feel fine at all. You were curled up on the couch, sweat gathering at your brow, a sick bucket beside you. At least Steve had braided your hair to keep it low maintenance and out of the way. “Go. Be an adult. Make money.”

“Fine. But you know the store’s number if you need to call me, okay? I know Robin won’t mind covering for me.”

“I know, you already said. You should go or you’re gonna be late.”

As soon as the front door closed behind him, you tugged your blanket tighter around yourself. You had a plan, but you needed Steve to be further away before you put it in motion.

It involved you making your way to the pharmacy without him knowing. There was no use in worrying him over nothing. It wouldn’t be too difficult, assuming you could stop puking for long enough to make it there and back.

So you waited. You turned on the TV. There was nothing on that was of any interest to you, but you found yourself mindlessly watching whatever channel it had landed on, checking the clock every two minutes.

When it had been half an hour since Steve left, you dragged yourself off the couch. The pharmacy was a couple of miles down the road, and you didn’t have a car, so you took your bike. You didn’t let yourself think too hard about what you were doing. You were just being cautious, that was all.

You couldn’t make eye contact with the pharmacist as you put three boxes of pregnancy tests on the counter in front of him. You could feel him watching you, but you said nothing as you paid and scooped the boxes into your backpack.

Overall, the trip took you about forty-five minutes. You went straight into your bathroom when you got home and unpacked all the tests. As you read over the instructions, you realised that they were more complicated than you were hoping for. Still, you set to work.

The process made you feel a little like you were in chemistry class. It involved pipettes and test tubes and a lot of waiting. Two hours of waiting, to be precise. You set the whole thing up and then went downstairs to make yourself some lunch. At least the feeling of sickness had subsided by now.

You tried not to watch the clock. You knew it would only make things run slower. Resolute, you raided the cabinet where your family kept their VHS tapes. There were a few old classics that you were sure would bring you closer to your time limit, but you found you couldn’t focus.

You stopped the first movie fifteen minutes in. When you switched to another, you barely made it ten. After trying and failing a third one, you gave up, feeling agitated. Nothing could hold your attention.

You found yourself staring at the phone. But who could you call? You didn’t want Steve to cut his workday short to come and look after you. Like you said, you didn’t want to worry him over nothing. Robin was at work with Steve. All your other friends either had their own problems going on, or they’d drifted away from you with the passage of time.

In your heart of hearts, you knew who you really wanted to talk to, but that was no use. He was gone.

Steeling yourself, you dialled the number of your father’s office. His secretary picked up on the third ring.

“Mr Harrington’s office?” she said. You didn’t recognise her voice, but that was no surprise. Your dad never kept one secretary for long. Your mom didn’t trust him to.

“Hi, I’m Mr Harrington’s daughter, I was wondering if you had the number for the hotel he’s staying at.”

There was a long pause. “I’m sorry, I can’t give that information out without his authorisation.” 

“Didn’t you hear me? I’m his daughter.”

“So you said, but I’m afraid that I can’t just take your word for it, but I can pass on a message on to him?”

“Don’t bother.” By the time he called you back – if he called you back – your two hours would be long over. You set the phone back on the receiver and covered your face with your hands.

What were you doing? It wasn’t as if you even wanted to talk to your parents, but at least it would give you something to do.

Feeling defeated, you went back to the stack of VHS tapes and rifled through them once again.

When your timer finally went off, you’d been staring at it for ten minutes. You took a deep breath, turned off the television, and got to your feet.

The array of test tubes in your bathroom were exactly as you’d left them. You don’t know what you were expecting. It felt strange that while you agonised downstairs, they’d just been sitting here. With trembling fingers, you picked up the instructions again, and compared the test tubes with the pictures provided.

Your stomach dropped. This couldn’t be right. You were only taking the tests to put your mind at ease. You couldn’t really be pregnant.

Eddie was the first guy you’d slept with in a long time, and you’d only done it once with him.

Oh god.

Eddie.

A tremulous sob broke free from you. All of a sudden, the floodgates were open. The numbness that had hung over you since Eddie had died was gone now, and you were feeling the sharp edge of every emotion that came with it.

“Eddie,” you said aloud, like it might somehow ease your pain, and then you began to sob harder. The instructions fell from your fingers. Your knees buckled. Slumped on the floor, you hugged yourself.

You don’t know how long you spent sitting on your bathroom floor, but when you heard your front door close, you realised that you were sitting in the dark.

“Steve,” you said, but your voice came out cracked and hoarse.

Somehow, you managed to get your feet under you. You clung to the wall as you made your way down the stairs, your vision blurred with tears.

Distantly, you could hear voices, and you realised that Robin was here too. Part of you hesitated, not wanting her to see you like this, but a bigger part of you needed Steve right now.

You stepped out into the living room, and they both turned to face you. You watched their faces fall as they took in your dishevelled appearance.

“Steve,” you whimpered, and he crossed the room in two strides, putting his arms around you.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,” he murmured, stroking your hair. “What’s wrong?” Your emotions had caught him off guard. He, like you, had grown accustomed to your numbness. Robin was staring at both of you, mouth agape.

“I’m gonna go get you some water, okay?” she said, her voice strained.

When she disappeared into the kitchen, Steve guided you over to the couch and then pulled you into his lap. It was like you were children again, with him comforting you when a mean girl made fun of you. It had been years since you’d been this close to him, with school and popularity and different social circles pushing you apart. Right now, you needed him.

“What’s wrong, sweetpea?” he murmured, rubbing your back. He hadn’t called you that in years. Your reply was muffled by his shirt. “What?”

You leant away from him and took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.” You watched the horror dance across his face, and winced.

“A-are- Are you sure?” he stuttered.

“I did three tests.”

“Fuck.” He leant back against the couch. “Can I ask who-” He didn’t finish the question. The way your face crumpled was answer enough. “Fuck. Fuck. Sweetpea, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that you two were… like that.”

“We… weren’t. Not really. It was just one time.”

Robin reappeared a moment later, holding a glass of water. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” she said, setting it down on the coffee table in front of you. “But I kinda heard everything you just said.”

You shook your head. “It’s okay, Robin. I trust you. But please don’t tell anyone yet. I don’t want this getting back to our parents.”

Steve put his arm around your shoulders again and squeezed you. “You know I’m here for you, right? Whatever you want to do. Whatever you decide to do. I’ll be here for you.”

“It probably doesn’t mean as much coming from me, but for the record, me too,” said Robin.

You sniffled a little, but a smile curled up the edges of your lips. “Thank you. Do you guys wanna watch a movie?”

The three of you settled down into an impromptu movie night. There was popcorn and soda and all the trimmings. After the second movie, Steve dropped Robin back home.

While you were alone, your mind went back to what Steve had said earlier. ‘Whatever you decide to do.’ You knew what he meant by that, but it wasn’t something you’d thought about yet.

Instinctively, you drew your knees up to your chest, hugging them close. An image flashed across your mind of a little boy with dark, curly hair and big brown eyes. Your baby. The little piece of Eddie that was growing inside you. All that was left of him in the world. With a shaky breath, you realised that you couldn’t get rid of him.

When Steve got home, he found you tidying up the living room. This revelation, while it had broken you, had electrified you too. You had more energy than you’d had since Eddie died.

“You don’t have to do that,” said Steve, trying to take things out of your hands, but you shrugged him off.

“I want to. I’m not that useless.”

“I don’t think you’re useless.”

“Well, I’m trying not to be.”

Steve watched you as you set the bowls, plates and glasses in the sink and then turned on the hot tap. Silently, he came and stood beside you, and as you washed the dishes, he dried them.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m keeping the baby. It’s all I have left of Eddie. I can’t get rid of it.”

He set down the bowl that he’d been drying and pressed a kiss to your temple. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“You can’t tell mom and dad. You know what they’d say.” That you were throwing your life away. That you should get an abortion. That you’re an idiot and a slut for sleeping trailer trash like Eddie.

“I know.” He squeezed your shoulder.

~ PRESENT DAY ~

You didn’t let go of Eddie for a long time. Your baby bump was pressed against his stomach and your face was buried in his neck, your fingers tangled in his hair as you held him close.

He couldn’t help but cling to you too. He couldn’t imagine what you must’ve been going through over these past few months, and he’d be damned if he was the one to pull away first. Your body was warm, and you smelled like shampoo. His arms wrapped tightly around your waist, breathing you in.

“Eddie…” Your voice was soft and strained. You leant back, and he felt bereft. He didn’t want you to go, but you were just leaning back far enough to look him in the eyes. “We have a lot to talk about. My- My baby-” Eddie’s eyes darted down to your stomach. “I’m sure you’ve probably figured out that it’s yours. I understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with her, you didn’t sign up for this-”

“Her?” Eddie interrupted. “We’re having a girl?”

He watched the anxious lines of your face smooth out as you gave him a cautious smile. “Yeah, we are.”

“Babe, if you think I’m gonna be anything but 110% there for you and our daughter, you’re nuts. I’ll do whatever you need me to. If you want me involved, I am there every step of the way.”

You let out a breathy laugh. “Of course I want you there, Eds. I just didn’t wanna foist a baby on you when you didn’t ask for it.”

He stroked a lock of hair out of your face. “You’re not foisting anything on me. I promise.”

You smiled at him. Your eyes widened suddenly. “I think she knows we’re talking about her.” Before he could ask what you meant, you grabbed his wrist and pressed his hand against your belly.

“What- Oh.” He felt movement underneath his fingertips. “That’s her?”

“That’s her. She’s saying hello to her daddy.”

In distinctive Eddie fashion, he dropped to his knees and put both hands on your belly, staring intently at it. “Hi, baby. I’m your dad. I know I haven’t been around so far, but I’m here now. I know I haven’t met you yet, but I want you to know that I already love you more than anything.” He dropped a swift kiss on your bump and then got back to your feet. With a jolt, he realised that you were crying.

“I’m sorry,” he said, stroking his hands down your arms. “Was that too much? That was too much, right?”

You shook your head and pulled him back into a hug. The two of you stayed like that until an awkward cough from the doorway made you pull back from him.

Steve looked incredibly awkward, one hand on his hip, the other leaning on the doorframe. “Sorry to interrupt. The guest room is made up. We should all get some sleep. I need to call Dustin first thing in the morning. He’ll be upset if he’s the last to know that you’re alive.”

Eddie grimaced. Dustin was a great kid. It pained Eddie to think about how all this must’ve affected him. “Of course. Right. And I need to call my uncle Wayne.” A thought occurred to him suddenly, and he turned to you. “Does he know about-”

“He knows I’m pregnant,” you said. “I told him about it. I figured that he had a right to know that he was gonna have a little grand-niece. He’s been good to me. We met up for lunch a few times, before...”

“Before?” Eddie’s heart gave a little squeeze.

You grimaced at him. “He moved away from Hawkins, Eds. He couldn’t bear it here anymore, not with you being gone and everyone calling you a murderer. He almost didn’t, though. When I told him I was pregnant he wanted to cancel his plans and stay to support me. But he was clearly devastated. I didn’t want him sticking around on my account. So I told him that he should move if it would help, and he made me promise that I would call him if I needed anything.”  

Eddie squeezed you. “He’s a good man.” If he couldn’t raise his own kid, then he knew that Wayne would step up and do everything he could. He was more of a father to him than his own father.

You stifled a yawn. “Come on. It’s bedtime. I’ll show you to your room.”

Eddie glanced around, but saw that Steve had already gone. Part of him hoped that, no longer under your brother’s watchful eye, you might invite him into your room so you could talk some more, but instead, you walked him to the guest room and bid him goodnight.

Maybe it had been a foolish hope, but he thought that after everything, this would be the start of a new phase in your relationship. But maybe you didn’t feel the way he did. Maybe that one night at Reefer Rick’s had been just that: one night.

If that was true, then it was a memory he’d cherish forever. The taste of your lips, of your skin, and of other things. The way you felt wrapped around him. The way your pretty mouth formed an ‘o’ as you came. If that was all he got, then he was luckier than most.

Next Chapter

[topazadine]

Writer Questionnaire

As I prepare for the workday (sigh) I'm going to take a few minutes and hop in on the craze! Please go read @illarian-rambling's answers over here!

1. Is writing a hobby or way of life?

Way of life. Not only is my day job writing, but I spend pretty much all my free time writing my silly stories too. It's all I have ever known and all I ever do.

2. A journal full of writing notes or a clean, completed manuscript?

Clean manuscript. I double outline, meaning that I write a long, looong outline and a short outline with just the bullet points I desperately need. This keeps me from losing momentum while I'm writing because I don't feel like I've done the whole thing and don't need to write it. This sounds confusing, so let me show you what I mean. Here's the long outline for a chapter:

... and this is the short outline.

I then leave a comment on the chapter header in the actual Word document, something like "Cavalry confronts Uileac and Cerie," so I don't need to look back on the outline if I don't want to. Oh, and I do not work on WIPs simultaneously. Ever. One at a time. Can't relate to the people who say "hehe I have a million WIPs that are all half done." Like, girl, why do you think they're all half-done? Because your brain is overloaded with details for too many different plots. Jot down a note and get to it later. Otherwise all those things are going to stay half-done.

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

I started getting into fiction writing again after a long, long break because of Touken Ranbu, so we'll just say my beloved Uguisumaru.

My king .... I love you ... my darling ....

4. Which is worse: someone you "idolize" reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Neither of those are particularly torturous to me. I guess singing.

5. Has writing from someone else's POV ever changed your own perspective?

It's very strange, but as a lesbian, I didn't really banish my own internalized homophobia until I started writing slash fic. Even in my own sapphic relationships, I always felt there was something 'wrong' about it and that our relationships weren't as valid as a straight couple. This was due to a lot of very violent homophobia imposed on me by others that made me really struggle to accept being gay. Writing about so many gay couples helped normalize it for me and feel more confident in my own sexuality. I no longer see gay couples as somehow apart from heterosexual relationships but just as deep and loving. In fact, writing stuff like the Moonbeam and Crane series was the push I needed to fully come out as a lesbian and stop pretending I was attracted to men, which is bizarre because, you know, I was writing about men banging. And then I went on to write gay longing and, eventually, a whole gay af series <3

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

Archive of Our Own and Amazon :)

7. AO3 wordcount, and are you satisfied with it?

Quite satisfied with it! I did my million words of practice and then some before moving on to original fiction.

8. What movie/book/fic gripped you irrevocably?

Remainder by Tom McCarthy. It has this lulling menace about it. I loved the repetition and the incredible environmental descriptions. Another favorite is Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell, which really encouraged me to get more experimental with my work. And my all-time favorite, Moby Dick. I've read it three times and keep meaning to go back for a fourth read; every time, I find something different to love about it. I started it again a bit ago and this time, I was focusing on the relationship between Ishmael and Queequeg.

9. What’s the highest compliment you’ve ever been given, and have you been given it?

This comment by Wapato_Sprout is the one that convinced me that I was ready to start writing original fiction:

I'm not kidding: I started writing Poesy, the full-length book in the Eirenic Verses series, like one week later. Then went and started filling in the back with shorter stories lmao. Being able to write two original characters with depth, goals, and motivations that people really cared about was such a rush, especially because I'd been told before that my original characters were more plot devices than people. And this should be your reminder that your comments on fanfiction matter a LOT! You may be the push to get a writer to start taking more risks and maybe even writing their own original fiction. Around the same time, my boss randomly told me that I should do more with my writing than just crafting business emails. I like to think that was a bit of divine intervention, to get two nudges from people I respect almost simultaneously. And hey look where it's gotten me! I'm writing a seven-part series now!

10. What defines your writing style?

My background in poetry gives my prose a sense of lyricism and movement. I think about whether my prose would flow like a poem when read aloud, and I hear that rhythm in my head when I write. It also means I know when to go short and choppy, or when to use long, moving description. I would not be anywhere near the writer I am today without those years of practice.

Open tag!

(I think most of the people I would tag were tagged elsewhere lmao)

[xeter-group]

What is it about people and transport where you talk about walkable cities and people come out with their

- How will I move my sofa

- How will I travel to Bumfuck, ZX which has a population of 2?

- What if I need to buy a vacuum cleaner?

- How will I transport my 250 kg of green waste?

For this, every single person must need to commute everywhere, own, and solely use a car!

The answers are always the same...paying people to move your sofas and green waste is almost always (societally!) cheaper than owning a car unless your job is moving sofas or moving green waste. Moving medium items like PCs on public transport is perfectly feasible if we plan for it. Owning a car is EXPENSIVE, individually and societally.

Transportation to nature sites is actually quite feasible for busses! Transportation to towns is also quite feasible! Goods delivery isn't that expensive compared to car ownership! And if your use case doesn't fall into this, then fine, you can own a car, just be prepared to pay for its full societal cost.

When I ask these people when the last time they actually went to Bumfuck, or had to move a sofa, its usually a few years ago, somehow. Most people like to think about doing these things than actually doing them.

Also, I just strapped my vacuum cleaner to the back of my bike and rode it 20km home and that was fine. It was a regular hybrid, not even a cargo. It wasn't at all hard to handle the bike - I barely noticed it.

And then GROCERIES. My god do americans just shop ungodly amounts? With a single freezer bag I can always shop for myself without a car. If I got a small trolley it would easily accommodate a families food, especially since I already eat a LOT of food. In fact, my friends and I did this once when we were on holidays. Shopping for groceries is fine, and when you don't shop once every alignment of the stars you dont have issues with food going off.

I don't think people realise how ungodly costly cars are.

Only transport nerds and disabled people ask how people who are unable to drive should get around.

Only transport nerds point out the impracticality and safety issues of an entire society working an 8 hour workday and driving home tired (which can be as bad as substance driving!).

Only transport nerds note how expensive traffic is on a societal scale. Just think about how much human potential is sucked away into the void by the working class being stuck in 1 hour traffic each morning and evening! Traffic is EXPENSIVE. This is honesly one of the strongest points for public transport.

Only transport nerds and the disenfranchised point out the great INEQUITY in gatekeeping societal (not social) mobility via car ownership. What about those who cannot afford a car? Or those whose car broke? Or those who are forbidden from driving?

You might as well argue everyone should own and have licenses to operate heavy machinery so they can move giant piles of dirt once every 5 years and move their belongings between rentals.

[theawkwardterrier]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Blessedly tagged by @walkinginland and @flyinghome-againstthewind so I can participate in one of my favorite activities (talking about myself) during this boring workday!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

173, although I know there are a few that for various reasons I haven't posted on there

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,177,040 which...wow

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Most continuously the MCU (Captain America specifically), Buffyverse, Veronica Mars, and Outlander, but one-offs for many others

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Muscle Memory (Outlander, Jamie/Claire; 18 chapters, complete)

Wingspan (Veronica Mars, Logan/Veronica; 6 chapters, complete)

Here's All the Melting Thrill (And Here's the Kindling Fire) (Outlander, Jamie/Claire; 14 chapters, complete)

things left behind and the things that are ahead (MCU, Steve/Peggy; 43 chapters, complete)

After the War Is Over (Will There Be Any Home Sweet Home?) (Outlander, Jamie/Claire; 6 chapters, complete)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

99% of the time, absolutely. I appreciate them so much, and want to express that, even if I'm a little overwhelmed and just end up saying "Thanks so much for reading!" Sometimes, however, if the comment strikes me as really negative or is trying to start some kind of debate that I don't want to get involved in, I'll just mark as read and move on.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't really write angsty endings! (Usually just angsty middles, and third act twists...) Probably my Veronica Mars fic, We Do Not Flinch, because even though the ending is definitely hopeful, not everything is fixed and the character death is not erased.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Um, basically all of them tbh! I love and reliably provide a happy ending. I guess I'll say Each Step Closer (On Our Way Together) because the whole thing is pretty light and the last section extra so.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Intellectually I know the answer is no. But I have gotten criticism, perhaps validly, about my portrayal of Peggy's emotions in Woman Borne, and also have gotten comments which express frustration with the choices my characters make, and that does feel hurtful in certain ways.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Ehhhhh, very, very lightly. Pretty much just gauzy linguistics and minimal mention of actual body parts - soulmate smut 🤷‍♀️

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Haha, I've written a bunch of AUs that borrow from other fandoms and have a lot of fun with those, but I've only written one partially completed Buffy/Bones crossover

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I think that some of my fics have been included in the kind of automatic sweeps that republish on fake fic sites or ebook sites, but not by an actual person as far as I know.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, although I'd be happy to give permission if someone wanted to!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Lol, no and I can't imagine I'd be an easy writing partner 😂😬

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Skipping because I've found that there isn't necessarily a permanence to it for me.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't really have WIPs that have been posted (because I know myself and that would be too stressful for me!) but the long planned out Chase/Cameron fic, or the Veronica Mars one where Wallace was a superhero, or the various ideas I've vaguely started writing within my head.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Mmmm...Occasional nice turns of phrase/unusual uses of language?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Writing visuals or action

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Nervous about it and probably I do it wrong, but I do it anyway 😬

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter back in the day

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I am my own biggest fic critic and also my own biggest fan, so they are all dear to me. I do have a particular love for my Steggy fic things left behind and the things that are ahead and all the characters and bits of the universe that come along with it.

Tagging @roboticonography, @ghostcat3000, @ckerouac, @kairosimperative, and of course my always meme pal, @lavellenchanted!

[homunculus-argument]

How much work do you usually do in a day and are comics a full-time job for you? I'm planning on becoming a comic artist as well and I've been thinking about these things a lot, it's not an easy profession to make money off of in Finland (hats off to you, from a fellow Finn!)

Also about the sleep problems: are you getting enough activity? If you're used to working, maybe your brain is understimulated? I would recommend doing something 'work-like' (maybe a small kitchen project, a fancier meal, mending clothes etc.) that is however completely different from drawing, so it wouldn't increase the risk of burnout. I have asd and not adhd so I don't know if it will be useful but it could work. Hope you'll be feeling better soon, burnout (even the early warning stages) sucks!

It depends on the day but on a regular workday I start around 8 am and finish for the day around 5 pm. Mainly my income comes from my main comic's patreon (which I don't generally officially link to this blog because this is the place where I post all my unprofessional weird shit thoughts about stuff like the ass-eating habits of dwarves), so the big graphic novel I'm working on is more of a passion project, but it's my daily grind nonetheless.

I'm pretty sure that a big problem is just not getting enough physical exercise - I hate pretty much every form of physical activity, so I'm currently trying to circumvent the "hating having to do something I hate because my body has taken itself hostage and refuses to function if I don't"-mental loop. I know I don't hate being active, I just need to figure out how to get the mental strain out of the picture.

[djarins-cyare]

Get to Know Me (tag game)

Thanks @burntheedges and @sydneyinacoma for the tags! 💖

I guess I don’t post much about myself on here, so behold the mystery of Jyar’ika revealed under the cut (because I waffle and didn't wanna take up y’all’s dashes)…

Ahh space to include GIFs (*is happy*)...

1. Were you named after anyone? Hmm, that’s a sneaky way to get a name reveal outta me. Alright, I don’t mind… apparently one of the hosts on Blue Peter (the longest-running children’s TV show in the world - you’re not getting an age reveal outta me too!) had a baby just before I was born. Why my parents were watching a children’s TV show I have no idea, but this host evidently wrote/sang some kinda song on air about calling her baby daughter Jemma with a J not Gemma with a G. So I was named after a terribly trite and obscure TV reference that nobody will ever remember. You may call me Jem if you wish, my friends all do, and if you’re bothering to read this then you’re in that category.

(If you're wondering about the GIF, the show was always broadcast live and they had several pets. The outtakes are numerous.)

2. When was the last time you cried? I think I’m weird… I don’t tend to cry? Or only if I’m really really upset. Maybe I’m Cameron Diaz in The Holiday? So yeah, I can’t actually remember 🤔.

3. Do you have kids? Nope, although it’s a fairly recent decision to not have them. I spent much of my life assuming I wanted kids until I realised I had been conditioned by society to think I did. Since I started considering what I genuinely want and need in my life, I’ve never been happier! I'd make an exception to adopt a certain little green guy, though.

4. What sports do you play/have played? Ugh, I hate questions like this. Nope, I’m a lazy asshole and now you all know it 🫣. I mean, I activity-hopped throughout my school years (gymnastics, karate, soccer), but these days I live in front of a computer. My exercise is lugging 24 bottles of water up 4 flights of stairs twice a week.

5. Do you use sarcasm? I’m British. Sarcasm is my mother tongue.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people? I’m the least observant person ever! So voices a lot of the time, I think. Pretty sure that’s why something clicked inside me as soon as Din Djarin spoke his first on-screen words.

7. What’s your eye color? Depends on the light, but somewhere between dark blue and grey.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? I’m an absolute wuss when it comes to scary movies, so I don’t put myself through that. Also, the literature student in me desperately wants to point out that these things are not mutually exclusive, as you can have scary movies with happy endings, so a more appropriate ‘either/or’ scenario would be tragedies or happy endings. But either way, I will say no to the former and yes to the latter. I dislike making myself feel scared or sad – I consume fiction (in all formats) to feel good, so I’ll always look for the positive. I’m currently experimenting to see if I can write a massively angsty fic, and it was supposed to be done by the New Year, but I’m struggling. I will also have to include one of those open-ended ‘maybe it could work out after all’ epilogues. I just can’t leave my characters in pain.

9. Any talents? Not sure what constitutes a talent… I can sing, play guitar, write a longass Din Djarin fanfic that people seem quite keen on, uh… cook, I guess (though I rarely bother), understand quite a few languages (less proficient at speaking them). I’m sort of a jack of all trades, master of none. I would say I have a talent for procrastination – I can complete a whole workday and get barely anything of substance done!

10. Where were you born? In a village outside a town in Surrey, England. It's only about 30 miles from London. Lots of trees. Very dull. I left as soon as I could.

11. What are your hobbies? Writing is my main obsession, specifically Din Djarin-related, of course. Also reading (same genre). Throughout my entire life I’ve enjoyed stories in all formats – reading, writing, watching, listening, proofreading the fuck out of them – so if it’s a good yarn, I’ll have a good time.

12. Do you have any pets? Not currently, my landlord won’t allow it. I used to own 3 rats who were the most adorable boys and so smart – they knew their names, responded to commands, liked to snuggle. When I can finally buy my own place I’ll probably get a dog, as I like pets that listen to you, even if only sporadically. I had a very non-communicative chameleon once. He was called Minion. He was not a good minion.

13. How tall are you? 5’4. Not tiny, but sometimes I have to go up on my tippytoes to reach stuff.

14. Favorite subject in school? English literature (see hobbies question above). When I got to university and enrolled on an English lit/lang degree, I tried to take as many literature courses and avoid the language ones. It wasn’t until years after graduating when I started proofing/editing and writing more seriously that I developed a respect for all the mandatory language courses I had to do. I also liked media studies and film studies; you can guess why. Psychology was interesting too, it’s good to understand human nature if you want to write realistic characters.

15. Dream job? I wish I could write novels for a living. It’s a goal as well as a dream. I know a couple of authors who’ve self-published via Kindle Direct Publishing (I proofread/edited for one of them), and they were successful enough to turn that into their careers. They keep encouraging me to try, although I’m currently in my ‘obsessed with Din Djarin so just writing fanfic to develop my authorial voice’ era. When my obsession wanes, as obsessions inevitably do, I’ll hopefully feel ready to write something original and take my shot. But I’m not pressuring myself, and right now I’m happy attempting to entertain the Mandalorian fan community. I feel safe here 💖

Now I know I’m supposed to tag people since that’s the point of a tag game… but I’m that autistic kid in the corner who is too shy and worried about tagging people who might not reply. So I’m foregoing tags today. But, if you’ve bothered to read this and you haven't already played: TAG YOU’RE IT! That’s me tagging you, please take it seriously and thank me for your tag in your own post (I will be genuinely thrilled if anybody does this, and I’m sending advance love to anyone who does – you don’t know how much it means to someone autistic to have the decision-making element dealt with for them). So go on, now it’s your turn!

[fwoopersongs]

人是_

'What is Human?' Theme song performed by Zhou Shen for Wandering Earth 2.

Go forth toward every fated storm’s blind eye. You came from the volcano’s scorching heat, and the deep sea’s bitter cold [1]. Life itself was an accident, the flip side of the coin is dust [2]. For the fluke which allowed us to fall in love, we crafted ships, move mountains [3].

To march into war is destiny old as time, humanity shall step barefoot into the night [4]. Only I can decide on how I shall await. Let death covet me [5], let fear kiss me. Come destroy all that I love deeply, still, there’s no snatching away my choice.

Snap of the fingers - I am obliterated, but fate cannot defeat will to live on. Let life be as the fervent fireworks, the splendor before they’re extinguished shall even light up a child’s eyes [6].

The unknown unveils the chess game: only by abandoning yesterday can the formation be broken [7]. So goodbye, my moonlight, my blue, my love [8].

The giant steel monster is roaring; we refuse to go into that good night [9]. Shattering is the promise of new life. My wish, then, is to be dust [10]. Let death covet me, let fear kiss me. Come destroy all that I love deeply, still, there is no snatching away my choice.

Snap of the fingers - I am obliterated, but fate cannot defeat will to live on. Let life be as the fervent fireworks, the splendor before they’re extinguished shall even light up a child’s eyes.

If enormous waves have submerged the road we took here, I am the sail, and the boat, (What is a human? What is a human?) a minuscule speck of hope [11]. (What is a human? What is a human?) We are still moving forward, without a light to guide. Go forth. Lose it all. Don’t STOP [12].

Let time and space whittle me away. You do not need to remember me [13]. Come destroy all that I love deeply, still, there is no snatching away my choice.

Snap of the fingers - I am obliterated, but fate cannot defeat will to live on. It is a race that sings loud in the face of a hazy unknown. Life is like a firework, so then light it up, the child’s eyes, the sight of the future [14].

..................................................................................................

Notes

This song came for my HEART. I’ve been looping it non-stop since stumbling across this at lunch on Friday. Made 4 hours of my workday feel three times as long.

[1] 你来自火山炙热 与苦寒的深海 You came from the volcano’s scorching heat, and the deep sea’s bitter cold. This is about the origins of life of course, particularly the theory of how it could have come from volcanically active hydrothermal environments on land and sea. It sounds incredibly romantic phrased like this though.

[2] 生本 就是 意外 硬币反选为尘埃 Life itself was an accident, the flip side of the coin is dust. LOVE the emphasis of 'life' coming to be as chance with the coin toss. Just look at the surface of our moon.

[3] 为侥幸可以相爱 造了船 移著山 For the fluke which allowed us to fall in love, we crafted ships, move mountains. References to stories of how humans have before and still will respond in the face of impending disaster and impossible odds. Like Noah's Ark and the foolish man that moved a mountain.

[4] 出征是古老的宿命 人将赤足踏入夜晚 To march into war is destiny old as time, humanity shall step barefoot into the night. Literally 出征 is leaving on a campaign (military). Overlaying this line with the rescue workers (?), with the previous lines about facing fate and doing what seems impossible. Like saying yes, it seems hopeless, but we’ve been doing this right from the beginning and even unprepared we will fight. And I just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Also. Have you heard of 赤脚不怕穿鞋的 (the barefoot don’t fear the shod)? People who have little or are left with little have less things holding them back. Mostly all they have left is their lives. It’s actually a slightly humorous everyday sort of proverb. Gave me an achy sort of LOL here. 

[5] 让死亡觊觎我 Let death covet me. ^ Is nowhere near how AMAZING AND FEARLESS this sounds. It sees you. It really wants you. It can’t have you. But it’s still LOOKING, hungrily. That’s the feeling.

[6] 让生命如剧烈的烟火 璀璨熄灭前也将点亮 孩童的双眸 Let life be as the fervent fireworks, the splendor before they’re extinguished shall even light up a child’s eyes. I have nothing but appreciation for this part and whoever put together that MV. My heart still pounds after seeing it so many times LOL.

[7] 未知 摊开 棋局 舍弃昨日才可破 The unknown unveils the chess game: only by abandoning yesterday can the formation be broken. Joined this together in the translation, but in my head it also exists as like: An unknown. Cards revealed. A chess match. Only by abandoning yesterday can the (opponent's) formation be broken. And I say this for every line, but this is awesome!!!!!

[8] 再见了我的月光 我的蓝 我的爱 So goodbye, my moonlight, my blue, my love. Saying goodbye to the moonlight, the blue earth and loved ones. I remember that lady who says when she was young and couldn’t sleep, she’d look at the moon. And I was like oh! me too. If you think about people throughout all of time who have taken comfort in that they are looking up at the same moon as their those they care for... This is sUCh A LINE???????? It makes me feel like I need to respond sincerely. ‘We appreciate the sacrifice.’ I need to say this back. T_T

[9] 我们拒绝走入夜晚 we refuse to go into that good night. I made this a Dylan Thomas reference ‘do not go gentle into that good night’ / 不要温和地走进那良夜, because it reminded me so much of it of it. So stubborn and so human. Achy feelings again.

[10] 破碎是新生的约定 我便愿为尘埃 Shattering is the promise of new life. My wish, then, is to be dust. So you will willingly step forth knowing there is no return so that life can go on. I read this line in another book last year that has stayed with me, in English, it goes: Everyone dies. Humanity will live on. And that conviction and willingness to sacrifice hits me in the same soft spot.

[11] 我是帆 亦是舟 是微渺 的希望 (人是什么? 人是什么? ) I am the sail, and the boat, a minuscule speck of hope (What is a human? What is a human?) HI HELLO WHAT THE HELL THIS LINE IS ON FIRE. Why? Why? 巨浪 is the imagery of like, the classic (though rare) tsunami wave. And cresting on that wave, a little boat. (When you say 舟, I think of a little leaf-shaped sailboat.) So fragile and so so so brave. The chorus in the background asking ‘what is human?’ and THIS being the answer is sort of devastating and warm at the same time. Every part of this song is so well designed?

[12] 往前吧 失去吧 不要停留 Go forth. Lose it all. Don’t STOP. The vibe of this esp with the 吧 in there is not a ‘give up, give in’ feeling, but more of a this is our absolute VERY last chance (callback to [4]), and we’re putting all that we have into it, there’s no more safety net and nothing else matters EXCEPT THIS ONE THING SO WE CANNOT STOP.

I LOVE THE SCREAM. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[13] 你无需记得我 You do not need to remember me. Double triple underlines ‘Everyone dies. Humanity will live on.’ And the lady in the astronaut suit kissing the person through that photo. I have so many feelings about this, but feeling a bit too intensely to word them. So just !!!!!!!!!!!

[14] 未来的瞳孔 the sight of the future. It literally reads, future’s pupil, you know? It’s the part of the eye that lets in the light. The focus of screentime on the camera of MOSS (?) feels significant.

Adore that name, MOSS btw. It feels friend shaped.

..................................................................................................

Rambling

This is one of those works where the whole body of the song and the title are one. 人是_ ‘humans are’ and then a blinking cursor… full of infinite possibilities. The use of a familiar everyday feature? hallmark? (someone find me a better word haha) of our technology and times - I think it’s so interesting and a cool detail to put in and use. Curious why it’s a horizontal and not vertical cursor though. If anyone knows, please give me a shout!

There are so many lines I love and keep thinking about. I’ve given individual shout outs upstairs, so now it’s time to jump around messily!

That we were born of extremes, that it was pure chance that we are alive and able to feel, and that a return to chaos is inevitable as fate. But you know, the coin landed on ‘life’ once, twice, who knows how many times? Man was lucky once, and since then has fought to keep that coin on ‘life’. We don’t remember every hero. But we are alive. One side is life and the other is dust. Heads or tails? But if in the most hopeless and desperate of times, there is a path to life. And there are those willing to be the path even if it means they have to stay behind. This song is their POV, our POV. Our struggle. Our fear. Our hope. Our triumph.

You don’t have to remember me. This was my choice. 

I am small. But we go on.

[supernovadragoncat]

Show Off Tag

The wonderful, beautiful @kellyn1604 tagged me in a show off game for fanfic writers.

The Rules: Post the 5 fics you are most proud of then tag 5 people.

1. Moonchild

This fic has some of my best writing or at least the writing I like the most. It’s dreamy and unhinged and raw.

When I started this fic, I was working a temporary but high stress assignment for my work, which required 10-12 hour workdays. I was convinced that my writing life would suffer and I’d get little done during the seven months on this assignment. Lo and behold, I started writing “Moonchild” during this time and was more consistently productive with writing than I’d ever been. This story is the living embodiment of “I shall find a way or make one.”

2. Badlands Howl

This is my favorite story and the one that holds the most special place in my heart. Of all my fics, it’s the most personal. I will never have the right words to say what this one means to me but I cherished my time writing it perhaps even more than the final product itself. There will never be another like it and I’m blessed to have brought this one into creation.

3. Gods and Monsters

This is my magnum opus (or will be). The most challenging writing project I’ve ever taken on. I cannot die in peace until this story is finished. I’m not being melodramatic. If I ever come back as a restless spirit, it will be because this story is my unfinished business. It’s one of my only stories that I ever felt transcended fanfic and needed to become its own thing.

4. Thunderstruck

This is the first fanfic I ever completed and first one I came back to after my four-year hiatus. I never expected it to receive the reception it did or to become my most popular fic, but I’m so proud of it. 

5. Map Daddy

I wrote this fic in the span of about 8 hours. It’s 11k words. It’s absolutely insane that I wrote that much in one day but it was a great outlet for election anxiety and about an hour or so after I posted it, the election results were announced. Success! 

I tag @ownsariver, @littlefeatherr, @islandida, @musingsofaquietmind, @ladytp, and anyone else who wants to play!

[bright-and-burning]

just remembered i missed all sorts of tags dkjnkjfdsanf tagged by @foggieststars @omigodyall @liamlawsonlesbian @albonoooo AND @freeuselandonorris !!!

1. do you make your bed?

not unless people are coming over (i have a studio apartment), but i also only sleep w a duvet in the summer lol

2. favourite number?

13! my first high school soccer number. i loved being the unlucky number <3 something so fun about being the shortest person on the team w the unlucky number coming on and playing aggressively lol

3. what's your job?

i'm a data analyst! for a government research group. kind of. it’s complicated aksjksjd. demographics + economics + policy stuff most of the time, i think (idk, they just pay me to do numbers and code)

4. if you could go back to school, would you?

yeah, my job'll get me my masters for free and i am definitely taking them up on that

5. can you parallel park?

yes!!!

6. do you think aliens are real?

the universe is mad vast there's def lifeforms out there. definitely no humanoids in our solar system imo tho

7. can you drive a manual car?

no kfjdsakfj i've never driven manual. i want to learn! but you would not believe how hard that is like, logistically. just finding someone who owns a manual is impossible lmao

8. guilty pleasure?

i simply do not feel guilt abt pleasure. jk uhhhh. ok this is so hard i did the full thing and came back to this and still dont have an answer. naps during the workday? some of my music taste is like . fjdskajf. i guess

9. tattoos?

none for now !

10. favourite colour?

all of the sunset ones!! orange and pink and purples.. beloved....

11. favourite type of music?

im sure spotify will say my top genre recently is. rap? pop? one of those two. but that's just the mood im in this summer. last summer was extremely folk americana rock indie modge podge

12. do you like puzzles?

YES!!!! it's like. why i'm in the career im in lol every project i work on is just solving puzzles w the exact same rush of satisfaction at completing it/figuring it out lol

13. favourite childhood sport?

i did . so many sports as a kid. if it was free/cheap my parents were throwing us in just to try lol. played soccer, did taekwondo, did like ten years of dance (tap >>> ballet if im honest), running, kickball every day after school for years, gymnastics for a bit, more or less self-taught figure skating w second hand skates, etc etc. to say nothing of the random sports i tried one(or two or three)-offs of with friends at like birthday parties or w/e (loved hockey ! loved softball ! loved tennis !) i liked soccer best for sure tho. perfect mix of the like quick feet agility i loved about tap dancing and the exhilaration of success and watching everything come together in the right moment of all the other things

14. do you talk to yourself?

yes and no? im actually quite quiet despite living alone but i have a constant running monologue so things slip out all the time ldkfjal

15. tea or coffee?

...neither

16. first thing you wanted to be when growing up?

an engineer!! #womeninstem. when i was 3 i would go around saying i wanted to be an engineer and make a million dollars a year and adopt 12 kids (6 boys 6 girls). that was the very first eve dream

17. what movies do you adore?

40s and 50s musicals >>>>. technicolor how i miss you so... gene kelly movies were my bread and butter as a kid. i do love wes anderson can't lie. also chris nolan movies! they hit! like they just do!! also robots (2005).

i genuinely think everyone has been tagged. just guessing based on how many times ive been tagged here. DJFLAK