#that's really fucking hard for people that relate to dean

[chiisana-sukima]

hi so what qualities do you think dean admires about sam and vice versa would like to know your thoughts

Love your meta btw as a new spn fan

Hi Nonny, tysm for the ask!

I haven't thought a ton about this question prior to now, so I'm interested in other people's opinions too if they want to add them on reblog. But it seems to me that the 'what does Dean admire about Sam' half of the question is pretty easily answered, because Dean isn't shy with his praise of Sam in canon.

He's also not shy with his criticism, of course, and I think this is because some of the things he admires most about Sam are the same things that are dangerous to him personally. My favorite recap is in the finale:

And there's this from 15.11:

Dean says similar things in other episodes, going way back to 1.11, which the finale speech is practically a word for word recap of:

I think Dean legitimately believes all this; that Sam is better than him in practically every way-- smarter, more compassionate, more optimistic, possessed of a better moral compass (usually), more skilled in a variety of ways, etc. And especially that Sam is healthier than him; more of a complete, autonomous human being who would be fully able to live a "normal" life if circumstances were right, whereas he, Dean, would not be. By "you're stronger than me" (which he also tells Sam before he goes to Hell in s3) he means "capable of independence".

I have decidedly ambivalent feelings about the "Dean is Sam's Parent" reading of spn, but I do think this is a very parental type of admiration; both because of the 'I'm proud' piece and because 'I raised you to be able to outlive me' is maybe a parent's primary responsibility second only to unconditional love. And I think it's realistic and sympathetic that Dean admires these traits in Sam while simultaneously fighting tooth and nail to undermine Sam ever actually becoming fully independent as long as Dean's alive (and until the finale, even afterwards). "You're better than me; don't leave me" is honestly extremely relatable.

R.e. the 'what does Sam admire in Dean' part of the question, I think that's more complicated to explain, and I'm especially interested in what other fans think about this part. I think obviously if someone asked Sam what he admires in Dean, he'd be able to run off a list of traits. And he does sometimes mention traits he finds admirable in Dean, like in 8.14 where he says "You're not a grunt, Dean. You're a genius" and says Dean is a better hunter than either himself or their father.

But for the core of what I think Sam feels about Dean that's in the same, idk, synonym group ig, as 'admiration', I don't think 'admires' really covers it very well. It's almost more like worships. He thinks, quite simply, that Dean is good. And since he thinks that he, Sam, is fundamentally not good, he sees Dean as the final arbiter of, well, everything. Sam thinks Sam could never go on a quest like Galahad, but although it's never specifically mentioned, I think its pretty clear he believes Dean could.

I think Sam feels about Dean the way I think deeply religious people--not the kind that mouth platitudes but the kind that have really struggled with and thought long and hard about their faith--feel about God. He knows Dean makes mistakes, he knows Dean is deeply fucked up in many ways, he yells at and argues with Dean and goes behind Dean's back and lies to him and etc, all because he does truly understand that Dean's decisions are, on a practical level, sometimes honestly pretty messed up. But he also has an unshakable faith that where he, Sam, might make bad choices because he's bad, Dean will struggle but ultimately always eventually choose correctly, even if one of the steps along the way is chopping Sam's head off with Death's scythe. Because Dean is good. Sam fans (myself included) will look back on the panic room and think "wow Dean sure was living up to the family-is-hell premise on that one", but Sam will look back on it and think "he saved me".

[the-analytical-bostie]

I honestly don’t understand the whole “it’s just a joke”, “that’s how guys talk” like no?

First of all that’s a lame fucking excuse for his behavior. Just because you’re a fan doesn’t mean you have to protect every fucked up thing he says.

Let’s be honest non of us know them personally, we see what’s online and hear what’s said. So pretending like you know them, saying “he’s a good guy” and defending him like you do is embarrassing.

I use to be a fan of Misha. Well, more like I use to respect him as an actor and I enjoyed him in SPN. This year I had the privilege to meet him at a con. I say privilege because I know that many can’t afford to or haven’t had the opportunity.

It was so awkward, he clearly didn’t want to be there. Everything he said during his q&a catered to the audience. It was over all very fake, I still can’t understand how people feed into the stuff he says.

It really put a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve never been his biggest fan, just thought that it would be fun to meet someone, from the tv show the show I’ve loved for years. That being said if I could go back, I’d save my money instead of wasting it.

I’m not saying he wasn’t nice to me, I did have a longer interaction than others that had been in line. But as someone who hasn’t ever been an obsessive fan, I think it might have been easier not feeding into all the crap he says.

People forget that he gets paid to do this stuff. The reason why he’s a fan favorite is because of destiel. So ofc he’s going to milk it, since that’s the only thing he has to talk about.

All the questions were destiel related, he has nothing else to say about the show. Honestly I don’t think he remembers anything that happened in the show, except from all of the scenes where he can confirm that destiel is canon.

Anyway after that con I watched a few videos of other panels online, because Jensen and Jared didn’t attend the one I went to. And I have to say I agree with a lot of the things you’ve posted.

It’s clear that he tries hard to push Jared out of the picture, he forces this idea of being besties with Jensen at cons. It’s always so awkward watching them together. Most of the time Jensen just goes along with stuff Misha says, so he doesn’t have to answer the same questions about destiel being canon or not.

Jensen obviously takes his acting seriously, he played Dean for 15 years. So I don’t get when he says over and over again, that destiel isn’t a thing. That people can’t accept it and move on. I love Dean, but I’m not going to pretend I know him better than Jensen. He WAS Dean. He knows him inside and out.

Then we have Misha that eggs the fans on during these panels. It’s like Jensen tries to answer the question seriously. Then Misha swoops in makes a small joke out of it, like Jensen has no idea what he’s talking about and proceeds to talk over him. Giving them the answer they want to hear.

It even feels like he’s making fun of the fans at times, knowing that they feed into this crap and thinking it’s funny that they do.

Gives me the same vibes of Regina George saying “I love that bracelet where did you get it”. Then going back to the green room and making fun of it.

I mean he’s made fun of the show and fans before, there are literally videos or posts online.

ALSO!!! The whole thing Jensen said about it not being subtext it was clear text, has been so fucking twisted.

This has turned into more of a rant, sorry. But what I mean to say is I agree with a lot of the things you’ve said. I just don’t understand how people can’t see it? It’s so frustrating.

I don’t hate Misha, it just really really fucking bugs me, that people don’t see what he’s doing. I just don’t get that you, like others who point it out get attacked.

People go on and on about how hateful others are, then proceed to bully people online for pointing shit out? Make that make sense.

Hi Anon! Saw your other message, and yeah, I don't blame you there, but you are good, so here we go. Thank you for the message btw. Very refreshing after my last few that's for sure.

I will start by saying that I have never seen a group of people so willing to turn a blind eye to the numerous inappropriate things their fave does/says as the hellers/Misha Stans. Their mantra in life is "oh, it was just a joke". I mean, they have to say it constantly because Misha can't stop being inappropriate. He kinda has to though doesn't he? Otherwise, he couldn't keep them entertained and he'd float on off into obscurity.

Unfortunately, that requires the use of Jared and Jensen's names.

I'll start with Jensen just because I happen to already have a link ready.

So, with Jensen, he's going to play that Destiel/Cockles card as much as he possibly can. Always has, always will. Jensen has always said that Destiel doesn't exist. (Thanks to @Sammyiscat on X for posting this today, just when I needed it!)

Once upon a time, Jensen did do a little fan service and lean into it slightly during JenMish panels. However, he always made it as clear as possible how he really feels. Then the hellers called him homophobic for it. So earlier this year, as you mentioned, he called it "clear text" not subtext. He tried to be as diplomatic as possible. The unfortunate part of being diplomatic is that it allowed the hellers to twist themselves into pretzels making it sound like Jensen said the opposite of what he actually was saying.

What I find the most interesting is that in the last few years, Misha is on his best behavior around Jensen. He only runs his mouth off when Jensen isn't around. Usually when he's at a European con alone. I'd LOVE to know how that transpired. Jensen is also usually in a pretty bad mood leading up to a JenMish panel these days as well. He was surprisingly ok in Charlotte (except for that one damn question). However, let's look back on San Francisco. Remember when he ran from Misha trying to hug him?

That is the definition of an unhappy Jensen....Yet hellers, CANNOT SEE IT! How can they not see that? Anyways...I could go on and on here....

So let's move on to Jared...

Sweet silly Jared. How anyone could be mean to him I'll never know. Something has changed there too. There was a lot more joking from Misha where Jared is concerned once up a time. Now, everything Misha says about his sounds bitter and or malicious.

He loves to point out that Jared was discovered just walking down the street, or that he has no training or that he didn't go to college.

Then there was the airplane story from last month in DC. It was partially true, but heavily embellished to make Jared sound bad, and what happens every time that happens? Tons of hate descends onto Jared online. People telling him to kill himself. Just pure bullying and hate. Misha HAS to know that is what would happen.

Just this past weekend he mocked him: (Ignore the person who tweeted this. You don't want to go down that route)

What an asshole. I mean really. I know, I know hellers, "oh, it's just a joke" right? Let's not start the "you and your friends have no sense of humor" crap again.

As far as con experiences go? I've heard people say many times that they have had negative experiences meeting Misha. Unless you are known to him already he couldn't care less. Been there, done that, can confirm. Like I said in another post, glad I already didn't like him because I sure wouldn't now!

Edited to add another link of Jensen denying Destiel.

[ambiguous-avery]

Hello Avery!

First of all, this is for you ❤️

♡♡♡ send this to ten other bloggers that you think are wonderful. keep the game going, make someone smile!!! ♡♡♡

BUT SECOND

and it’s much more important (see I put it in big letters and everything) 😬✌️

I know you love your music and I thought you of all people might appreciate being asked to create a playlist for Dean, Sam, or both if you like, BUT no cheating. I don’t want to see a bunch of Zeppelin or Accadacca (AC/DC). Please make it from your own playlists, whether it’s something you want them to enjoy or simply just want to piss them off with - shake it off!

No pressure of course. Do with this as you will. And have a fabulous day - Beth ❤️

Ooh Beth, you are the absolute sweetest! I'm so, so honored to be one of your moots! This Tumblr community is seriously one of the best things in my life, and I am so excited to share in it and be surrounded by all of the amazing talent here! Appreciate you! 💜💜💜

Now, about that second part. First off, an actual photo of my reaction to reading your question/request 👇

Also, I'm putting this whole post in small font because it is LONG. I consider myself polyjamourous – I'll listen to just about anything and everything. The boys, on the other hand, are not. At least Dean isn't. And since he's the driver, his music taste is all that matters in the Impala. Pretty sure Dean would chuck all of my music suggestions out of Baby's window while going down the road at 80 miles an hour in the middle of bumfuck, nowhere. I know you said to make a playlist of songs that I’d show them, but it kinda turned into a list of songs that I associate with them. Hope it's okay for me to twist the ask like that! And I'm gonna limit myself to my top ten otherwise this would be a novel. It became a novel. And a character deep dive at the same time.

Each song will be linked for your listening pleasure, and I'll try to include a brief explanation of why. (Spoilers: they aren't all brief.) I may have worked on this instead of writing. Went and picked myself a whole bouquet of whoopsie daisies!

Dean's Playlist

Tragedy, Fly By Midnight - Okay, I'm gonna start really strong here. This song is SO Dean-coded to me. This is the way I imagine him when I start writing x reader fics, and I need to write him potentially falling for someone/getting into a relationship. Like... listen to it, and I think I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who disagrees with me. Key lyrics: "You'll hurt forever If you fall for me That would be a tragedy"

Different Lives, Fly By Midnight - Maybe I should've limited myself to one song per band too. But this band absolutely speaks to me for Dean. This is another song I listen to when I need to get into how I imagine Dean falling for someone. Key lyrics: "'Cause I've lived different lives, different lives Before you ever made me feel alive, feel alive I haven't felt this fucking terrified, terrified Before you, ooh, you"

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls - This was my teenaged self's anthem, so maybe I'm biased. But I feel like this is Dean as a whole. Key lyrics: "And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"

A Little Too Late, Nate Vickers - I'm finding that a lot of songs I feel relate to Dean are super angsty ones. A trend, you might say. It's because of all this angst that I want for him to have a happy ending rather than the one he got shafted with. Key lyrics: "If you wanna hate me Then I'll take the blame Just give me a reason To push through the pain"

Morally Grey, April Jai (feat. Nation Haven) - Okay, a non-angsty song! I think this one is just more self-indulgent than anything. I love me a good, morally grey character, and Dean is no different! Key lyrics: "I know he's no good for me But when he gets down on his knees He's so eager to please Knows the right frequencies"

@ my worst, blackbear - Aaand right back into the angst. Key lyrics: "Maybe I'm the best mistake you've ever made It sounds so fucking beautiful when you say my name I'm praying to a god, a god I don't believe The more I hide my scare, the easier I bleed"

Fix Me, 10 Years - More angst courtesy of my teen angst days. Apologies in advance. Key lyrics: "I'm fine in the fire I feed on the friction I'm right where I should be Don't try and fix me."

Casual sex, My Darkest Days - I feel like the title alone should give you enough of an idea of why this is on the list. Key lyrics: "It's just your typical, hardcore casual sex We're single but we're lovers Crazy for each other"

Dirty Heart, Brad Brownfield - Gotta thank my friend for reminding me about this song. Key lyrics: "'Cause you can't rub some dirt on the hurt of a broken heart It's the pain it just stays Like a damn old scar"

No Mercy, Austin Giorgio - This whole song just strikes me as the way Dean is when he's intimate with someone. Like behind closed doors, Dean is very much a lover boy who gives his everything to whoever he's with. Plus we know he's damn good at what he does. Key lyrics: "Baby I can lock the door You hold the keys Yeah I'll write the song You're the symphony"

Sam’s Playlist

Half Life, Livingston - This was one of the first songs I heard where I thought of Sam in the middle of listening to it. Sam is such a peach, and in the last few weeks, he has seriously grown on me. He's such a giver. Key lyrics: "So if this is the last night And you're feelin' hollow I'll give you my half life So you'll see tomorrow"

that's how you make a villain, Emlyn - Okay if we disregard the fact that the lyrics refer to a girl, then this is Sam to me. He had every reason to become the antagonist. Everything he had was taken away. Every turn took more from him. But he still chose to be the sweetest, most gentle giant. But could you imagine Sam in a full-on villain era? Key lyrics: "Stole my life, that's what I call a heist Sold it back and then tripled the price And I'm not on your payroll, but I'm makin' a killin' Just so you know, that's how you make a villain"

Maybe, Sick Puppies - Bit of angst here because neither of these boys truly are without it. But to me, Sam's is a little more hopeful. Key lyrics: “So why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more? To want to live a better life what am I waiting for?”

We Fight, Dashboard Confessionals - Mainly just Sam and Dean childhood vibes for me here. Key lyrics: "We were the kids that left home probable too young But we took our share and maybe then some Tired of beatings and battles and being sewn up But that made us grow up And that made them scared"

Shelter, Porter Robinson & Madeon - As much as I disagree with the ending of Supernatural, this is the song I associate with Sam living his life after Dean is gone. Key lyrics: "It's a long way forward so trust in me I'll give them shelter like you've done for me And I know, I'm not alone, you'll be watching over us Until you're gone"

Glow, Livingston - Another Livingston song. This artist has so many songs that made me think of Sam, but I didn't want to just make an entire playlist of one person haha. Again, Sam's flavor of angst usually is more hopeful in my mind. We see him choose good time and time again. Key lyrics: "You're like magic Turn the pain into passion Turn the radio to static But you don't even know you have it"

Monster, Katie Sky - I just want to give him a hug and tell him everything is going to be okay. Key lyrics: "I see your monsters I see your pain Tell me your problems I'll chase them away"

Carry You Home, Alex Warren - Tapping into how I view Sam when it comes to relationships. I feel like Sam falls hard for people, and this just kinda captures how I imagine he commits to others. Key lyrics: "Oh I hope you know I will care you home Whether it's tonight or 55 years down the road Oh I know there's so many way that this could go Don't want you to wonder, darling, I need you to know In this and every life I choose us every time"

Love Me Back, Max McNown - And digging a bit into Sam's own low view of himself, I feel like Sam very much has the mindset that he can't imagine someone else loving him in his broken state. Key lyrics: "Fell a little too hard, just a little too fast Put my soul in your hands like a penny on the track I've given you my heart and all the love I have And I'm just lucky that you love me back"

Slow Hands, Niall Horan - And finishing off with my take on Sam's more intimate side. I know that we see a lot of Sam's intimate scenes being faster paced and desperate and whatnot, but I genuinely feel like for whoever he's committed to, he's much slower, more patient. Key lyrics: "Fingertips puttin' on a show Got me now and I can't say no Wanna be with you all alone Take me home, take me home"

Sorry, this got super out of hand, and I feel I may have strayed away from the original idea. Hope that's okay! I seriously fell in love with this ask! Music is my thing. I love sharing it with others and others sharing with me! Tell me your thoughts! Got music you think fits? Please let me know~

Thanks for the ask, Beth! 💜💜💜

Tagging my moots because I wanna share my music with you: @jollyhunter @sorryitsmyfirstdayonearth @bettystonewell @middleearthislife @aylacavebear @supernotnatural2005 @voodoochildthings @losers-clvb @sparrowww0428 @alexsoenomel

[autisticandroids]

Hi this is random but i was thinking about how compelling and bluntly accurate ur analysis of spn relationships are- i was curious if u migjt be willing to talk a little on how u see the relationship between sam and cas? When u talk about them im passing the abiding sense i get is that the defining element of their dynamic in ur eyes is miscommunication. Or maybe im just projecting cus what i see is two ppl who should be able to be in community in a meaningful sense- 2 ppl who are naturally rebellious, curious, and empathetic and who have those foundational traits slowly and agonizingly beaten out of them by their circumstances. And one element of that is the dean of it all. They are both deans closest companion one way or another- they should be able to relate to eachother and support one another when dean (affectionate) starts acting out of pocket. But! They! Dont!!!! But yeah what is the good of their relationship and what is the bad? Like not merely in how they interrelate w eachother and dean (altho he is of course inextricable from their relationship since he is the vector of connection) but like. Their specific dynamic. Whats up w that in ur beautiful mind

took me a while to answer bc i was looking for Posts. and here they are. these posts function as background and history of my pov even though i don't necessarily even still endorse every part of all of them. but i think they're an interesting jumping off point for an interested reader.

hey!!! this is a fun one to me. so fundamentally the sam-cas dynamic, to me, is about how solidarity is just not... possible between them.

well that's not exactly true. after season nine, it's about how solidarity is not possible between them. before then i haven't thought about it as much because to me that, carver era, eight through ten, is when cas kind of takes his place in the family dynamic, vs. just being an ally who mostly has his own shit going. i don't really have thoughts about pre-s9 sam and cas. there are a lot of ways you could read them but in the end i just don't think that relationship is as important before cas basically comes in from the cold in carver era.

anyway the thing that happens in season nine is, well. the gadreel thing. and its consequences.

so. in 9x01 dean makes a choice. and the thing about what dean does, in 9x01, is, well. it's kind of a perfect saw trap, isn't it. it's wrong. dean knows it's wrong. but how could he make any other choice? how could dean winchester ever have made any other choice? this is his prime directive. watch out for sammy. look out for your little brother, boy. but see, normally, when dean does shitty things, he thinks he's in the right. in this moment, he knows he isn't. he's spiraling.

so he makes it worse. he doesn't just let gadreel in. he lets gadreel talk him into actively gaslighting sam and fucking with his head. and he also starts wrecking other people's lives. he's nasty to kevin (not that that's much of a change, but i think in s9 he's worse), and more unusually, he doesn't seem to give a damn whether cas lives or dies. he kicks him out, of course, but he also abandons him on the street with no resources or recourse, because he's so tied up in knots over what he's done to sam. cas could have died. he nearly does. he gives himself an angel terminal illness trying to escape.

and then when cas comes back to the bunker, he's grateful that dean wants him around again. which, you know, it makes sense. but dean also learns something from this. he doesn't want to, he never needed to know, but he learns something:

he learns that no matter how hard he kicks cas, cas will always come back.

this isn't good for him to know! he doesn't want to know! but he knows it now. and it becomes relevant to how he treats sam and cas, because sam will not tolerate that.

and the thing is this makes sense. for both sam and cas. obviously in terms of personality sam has more self outside of dean and more self-respect and when given the choice between freedom or love, he tends to choose freedom, which is the opposite for cas. like cas is fundamentally, well, a lot more similar to dean in that regard. but also: dean has just actively hurt sam, motivated by affection. he has just passively hurt cas by withdrawing his affection (and therefore his material support). of course sam responds by rejecting dean's affection and cas responds by desperately seeking it. we're rewriting the winchesters' childhoods here in miniature.

anyway. dean already had a habit of playing them off against each other in season eight. when he wasn't mad at cas, he would say to sam "cas wouldn't hurt me like this" when sam didn't do what he wanted. when he wasn't mad at sam he would tell cas the opposite. when he was mad at both, the favorite was benny.

but this takes on a different tone in season nine. because this duality has finally crystalized, freezing cas as the good one and sam as the bad one, because cas just doesn't get mad at him anymore no matter what he does.

so of course first you have road trip and first born. where cas immediately forgives dean for all that. then conspires with him to overcome sam's anger and resistance. cas is the one in first born saying sammmmm you should forgive deannnn cmaaaaahhhn.

and then in stairway to heaven you have dean viciously lashing out at cas basically just to punish sam for questioning him. like the whole episode is basically motivated by sam pointing to the blade and being like maybe you should be using that thing so much...... and dean being like FUCK you. so he goes and intentionally sabotages cas' whole thing with the angels that he had been building for months and then cas of course immediately forgives him. and this little piece of theater basically exists entirely for sam's benefit, to say hey, look how much i can hurt him and HE won't stay mad at me. because of course dean is deeply wounded by the fact that sam won't forgive him for the gadreel thing.

and to me that basically defines their relationship going forward. sam has a choice here: he can hate cas, or he can believe cas is too stupid/unable to see things straight/lovestruck/other thing that basically means stupid to know better. imo he chooses option b. cas doesn't really have a choice - his world narrows, understandably, to desperately trying to maintain dean's approval. he becomes much more devoted to dean in the later seasons, partly because he basically loses everything outside dean - stairway to heaven was basically his last chance at anything outside the winchesters being a meaningful connection for him, and he and dean ruined it together, and partly because the whole being homeless for months thing was very traumatizing and left him with a need to stay in dean's good graces for his own survival.

so fundamentally i think because of all this, what matters about sam and cas is that solidarity between them is impossible. sam can never trust cas and cas can never prioritize sam. because of dean. that relationship is not on any level passing the bechdean test.

[livingfandomly]

Currently about to finish S9 in SPN. Now, the thing is, I’ve always been very much concerned about why people shipped Dean and Cas together (not even gonna talk about shipping Sam and Dean coz just NO) and right now I’m having a very hard time denying that y’all may be right….

I’ve always seen Dean as an extremely hetero character, I mean that man has needed sex more than oxygen for a lot of the seasons HOWEVER.. one, that sex has simmered down. And two, his relationship with Cas is obviously different from Sam’s relationship with Cas. Sam and Cas feel like brothers/friends who care about each other to the point that they’d die for one another. Cas and Dean????? They do NOT feel like brothers. Best friends, maybe. But there’s just an underlying current that makes their relation so much… more??

There’s also these little niblets of moments where the interactions between them move so far beyond simple friendship and into love. I mean, the fact that when Naomi was training/brainwashing Cas she made him kill ONLY Dean. Literally hundreds of times. And yet, when it came down to it he couldn’t do it. And Dean was literally just like “I’m not fighting you. Kill me if that’s what it’s gotta be”. Very normal behaviour.

Plus, right now Cas called Sam and Dean to talk about angels getting the choice to join Metatron or die and called them to help track Gadreel. Fully normal conversation going on between Cas and Sam until Dean said something and Cas’s whole face relaxes, he forgets his conversation with Sam and literally just sighs out “hi Dean” AND AND Dean looks at Sam and Sam gives Dean a whole side eye and Dean goes “hi Cas” right in the middle of a fucking conversation both these sighing idiots just felt like they HAD TO acknowledge each other????????

Plus. When Cas found out about Dean’s mark he was so fucking concerned. Boy looked like he wanted to cry??

Anyway…. I don’t know if the writers started playing into this just because the fandom clubbed the two together or because it was always there and I was blind. But I do find myself wishing that if the writers were playing into the whole Destiel thing, that they actually went for it. Because Misha and Jensen’s chemistry is insane.

(Side note: I really shouldn’t but I love Crowley too now. Love how Dean just adopts every misfit/outsider irrespective of age or gender.)

[sinner-sunflower]

SPN Sinister AU

You guys know the Sinister movies? With the entity that takes children, possesses them, and makes them kill their family?

I just got an idea for that but with the Winchesters.

It could be them settling down for a while in this house where a family was killed. It was abandoned and no one was there for miles so John thought it would be a good temp base for a few months.

They've been following a trail of a creature who is killing families and abducting a child from each family. John decides to take this hunt because he thinks it might be a demon and related to Mary's death. They've finally caught up to the killings to this no name town in the middle of bumfuck, USA. He enrols Sam and Dean to school and takes a part time job as a mechanic for the time being.

While left alone at the house, Sam finds a box of films in the attic, each with their own seemingly innocent titles.

Logically, he knows he should tell Dean or his dad about this, but next thing he knows, he's putting it in the projector and watching the first film.

It's disturbing and terrifying but he couldn't turn it off. He almost vomited twice before it finished.

He's not stupid. This has got to be related to the thing his dad is hunting. He needs to show this to Dad. He can save people with this.

.

Dean and Dad came home, the box stayed in the attic. (And he keeps watching the rest of the tapes)

Sam gets nightmares and constant night terrors. Dean is beyond worried and John has a bad feeling.

Sam gets moody. He snaps at Dad but that's normal, but then he also snaps at Dean. He says stuff to Dean like the urge to hurt the annoying squirrel in the backyard. Dean sticks to him like glue because he has a sinking feeling.

Sam won't eat, drink, sleep. He scribbles concerning signs and symbols on the walls and looks a little too long at their arsenal.

They still haven't got a clue on what this creature is but there's not doubt in their minds that it's what's messing with Sam.

It gets so bad that John decided to abandon this hunt and let someone else take care of it for the safety of his son.

They leave first thing in the morning.

Settling down on one of Rufus' many cabins across the country, Sam begins to show signs of health again.

Dean is beyond relieved and John is just tired.

One night, he's in his room, head in hands and documents all over the desk. Dean and Sam are in the living room watching a movie. He was taking a sip of his coffee when his phone rang.

Bobby.

He picks up to a frantic Bobby and the roar of an engine.

"It's Bughuul! Babylonian pagan ancient deity, like really ancient! It consumes souls of children!"

"Figured as much Bobby. Took the boys outta there as soon as I found out."

"You don't understand, John! That's the problem. You moved!"

"What?"

"The patterns! Each of the families experienced shit in the previous victims' homes but the killings only happened when they moved! I'm almost there but you didn't save them John! You moved up the timeline!"

Suddenly John felt a wave of dizziness. He looks at his coffee and finds a strange liquid in it. He shoots up, staggering out of the room to where his sons were.

He finds Dean passed out on the floor, movie still playing, but no Sam?

He falls to the ground and sees his youngest's bare feed and pajamas in front of him. Then nothing.

John wakes bound by ropes. He's laying on his back to something hard, wood?

He looks around and sees Dean in the same position, awake and freaking out.

"Dad! What the fuck is going on?!"

Now that he can see Dean fully, he knows now in what kind of position they are.

'A Hunter's funeral pyre.'

"Dad! Where's Sammy??!"

"Dean, it's the thing we were hunting. It got Sammy possessed. We need to get out of here now before he kills us."

"It got Sam?! What- before who kills us?!"

Sam then comes out pointing camera at them, Bughuul behind him looking at them menacingly.

Dean is shouting for Sam but his brother is under the creature's control. They're both flailing now and John only hopes Bobby arrives on time and finds them.

Sam puts down the camera to pour gasoline of their pyres.

"Sam! Sammy please snap out of it!"

"Shit!"

Sam lights a match.

But before he could throw it to set them aflame, Bobby arrives and hit him in the head, making him fall unconscious to the ground.

----------

Not really sure how this will end cos the movies never killed Bughuul. But this is Bobby so he might find an obscure exorcism or smth and expels the hold on Sam.

[walkergirlsposts]

I recently joined the SPN fandom though I first watched it maybe 6-12 months ago. I personally “ship” Destiel in the sense that I enjoyed their relationship as it was: Cas putting Dean on a pedestal and having unrequited feelings (my interpretation), as that’s something I find relatable. I didn’t want/need it to be more than that, and I’m surprised that people are so convinced it will “become canon” on The Boys when it just seems so glaringly obvious it’s never going to happen. And they wouldn’t even be Dean or Cas, so it wouldn’t even be Destiel - it really is just about wanting to see two guys kiss for these people. Barely been here at all and I have seen just how intense the people who properly ship this are and how many boundaries they bulldoze through. It’s so uncomfortable to watch. I feel like I can’t really enjoy the fandom or the show now because I feel embarrassed to in some way be part of the Destiel crowd, and I can’t even post that I like Jared Padalecki because apparently that’s not allowed either. It’s like there’s no real place in the fandom to go to

Hi anon. Those shippers are a stain in the fandom, they make it hard to enjoy it, I feel you. And it's only that crowd and insecure AAs that seem to hate it when you post about Jared. My advice: Just do what I do and don't give a fuck about what anybody else thinks and just post about the things you enjoy without caring if you piss anybody off. Try to find people that have a common interest with you.

[according2thelore]

i am super curious if you are interested in how the younger sam & dean handle conflict between the older two? are they picking sides or avoiding the room? i just feel like the later seasons sam&dean fight DIFFERENT and it would be jarring and strange and uncomfortable for the early seasons to see.

ooh that's a great question!

i mentioned this super briefly at the VERY beginning, but i completely agree--LS!Sam&Dean fight differently. for them, almost every fight is a drag-down all-out, tears-in-my-eyes, or i can't lose you, why don't you believe in us too, or if you want to hunt, let's hunt but we can't be brothers.

the emotional stakes--while less grounded in relatable things to the audience (S1 arguing over a parent's perceived neglect/heroism vs S9 you let an angel possess me and i can't forgive you for that)--appear much more intense in the later seasons because there's so much more baggage there. (despite my personal preference for sam & dean arguing about sam being put down like a dog in s2 but i digress)

for ES!Sam&Dean i'm sure it's super confusing and frightening and strange, because these are the things they don't say out loud. they talk around a lot of the big stuff (i'm thinking "be my brother again because...just because") whereas in the later seasons they call each other out specifically on how much they care for each other ("what about me? would you trade me?").

LS!Sam says, "after everything that we've seen, after all the shit i've done, and the shit that i've had to live through--" ES!Sam&Dean can fucking feel it like a detonation. there are depths here that they cannot understand, layers and layers of sediment and fear and love and forgiveness and grudges that have shaped them into completely different people.

ES!Sam&Dean argue and it's mostly petulant and earnest--stop treating me like a kid! let me look out for you, too! be my brother again! dad was a dick, and he didn't take care of us like he should've!

LS!Sam&Dean argue and it's bloody and hurtful--you killed my friend, after i asked you not to and i can't look at you right now. you didn't look for me when you thought i was dead. i can't trust you.

as for how the ES!boys would handle it, i think they would be flabbergasted. it's like watching your parents fight (which of course only dean knows). it's very personal, but alien at the same time. they feel blows land, but don't know where they come from. they would avoid that room at all costs if they can.

but at the same time, some strange force keeps pulling them back until they're standing at the doorway, because it kind of feels like someone's talking about you when you're not there. the curiosity of knowing what they think about you is too great.

at the end of it, it's the magnitude of the fight. if they're snippy at each other, they would immediately abandon all alliances and join with their older selves, because it feels good and fun and familiar to snap back and forth.

but if it's serious--it hurts to look at them. it hurts more to hear.

honestly, if LS!Sam&Dean have a fight and storm off, ES!Dean is slinking into LS!Sam's room later that night like "🥺 i'm sorry man 🥺 you know i love you right 🥺 are you mad at me?" because he can't help but flinch hard whenever LS!Sam shouts dean! come on! in his grown-up voice during the fight.

but ES!Sam is kind of inconsolable, honestly. he's not used to being on the outs with dean. there was stanford, for sure, but that was more sam's choice than anything. phones work two ways, and sam has never really been confronted with a dean that's that doesn't want to see him. they had fights for sure when they were younger, and hit and bit and screamed at each other, but LS!Dean's anger is different. it's consuming, it's massive, it blots out the sun. i'm sure ES!Sam has to talk to ES!Dean for a little bit about unimportant shit to function again after he sees the rage in LS!Dean's eyes as they slid off of LS!Sam and onto ES!Sam.

this was long! but i have so many thoughts about fighting between Sam&Dean and how that changes so much throughout the show, and how ES!Sam&Dean would react! this ask was delicious!!! nom nom nom.

thank you, anon! <3 brilliant!

-lizzy

[celestial-castiel]

supernatural 13×03-04

aw yay Missouri and Jody :]]

"not sure which one to hug first" awwee Dean and his moms :]

ough Dean still looks so tired and sad. same hon, same.

oh shit

NOOO

:[[

i think I can see the line from the dudes bald cap-

oh yeah beat his creepy ass

lol Sam is so stressed with Jack, bud you can chill

man Jack is just a few weeks old and he's speedrunning teenage depression :[

hug him pls

aw Sam can be a decent parent-- awwww. ok that's a great scene but WHY DIDNT YOU HUG HIM

i am living for Jody's comforting touches with Dean, like just putting her hand on his arm or shoulder. she's so very much his mom ;-; AND HE'S NOT BOTHERED. he wouldn't be okay with most people doing that.

uh oh

what the fuck no-- ohh right yeah cause psychic ok

oh yeah. Dean's extra depressed now. man :[ why can't my fav guy just not be miserable for a little while. why must he be tortured. stop making him more relatable. less relatable please.

it's interesting how Dean and Sam's conversations and arguments have changed. Dean actually listens to him more, Sam actually gets louder and more bold and doesn't just back down, and Dean just says his side of it but doesn't try to just shut him down or anything.

oh boy. Dean honey you are projecting so hard.

"I can hardly look at the kid. cause when I do, all I see is everybody we've lost" ohhhh honey-

"-and you know what that got him? it got him DEAD. now you might be able to forget about that, but I CAN'T" aaaaaaaa goddddd fucking hell he's so fucking devastated and furious about Castiel, I can't even-

omg yay hi

now give him back please

so basically Dean is very not okay without Cas.

spn 13×04

alrighty, fun, stabbing right off the bat. s'probably bad.

Dean you gotta stop lashing out when you're upset. tis not helping anyone.

Sam is doing a surprisingly decent job handling all this. it would help if he explained more to Jack why Dean has such issues with him. dude is really hurting, and he struggles with seeing the line between dealing with monsters and dealing with Jack, he doesn't know how to handle it.

"you're starting to sound like dad" "that a bad thing?" GIRL YOU KNOW FULL FUCKIN WELL THATS A BAD THING. HAVE YOU MET YOUR DAD?

"what gets burned stays dead" weeeelllllll..

ooh gloopy

lol Dean is just so bad at this right now

ugh Jack is adorable

Dean. come on bud

i do love his bitchy smile though

oh yikes okay

Dean hard-core redirects his pain. he gets petty and dismissive and turns things back on others as a defense. he pretends everything is fine when it's terrible, except when he suddenly gets very honest and weaponizes it. bestie is not okay. these are not healthy ways of coping.

oh fun weird Empty Cas

what the hell is that man's voice range, it is unsettling (not negative btw I'm just freaked out lol)

god his weird villain voice is so off-putting HOW IS THAT HIS VOICE??

reminds me of Niles from Frasier lol

im so often reminded of how good Jensen Ackles is at acting. he's so great with doing Dean's mannerisms and expressions. and I love picking up on Dean's expressions, they perfectly fit his emotions and make him so readable. I don't know if that made sense

who else does empty cas sound like? I can't think of who it is-

NO DON'T TORTURE CAS YOU BITCH

aw Jack bby :<

oooo Jack being relatable as neurodivergent. feeling like there must be something wrong with you because you didn't feel what you think you're supposed to? yeahhhh. welcome to our world babes

why is his smile the cutest thing ever

oh shit Dean

mm gross

Cas is not havin a fun time either

ough good, glad Dean's realizing he was a dick

oh boy Dean's scared/pleading eyes are deadly. oh he is full on hopeless

💔

CAS

AND HIS REGULAR BLUE TIE

hell yeah

alright too tired to watch more tonight

basically we love Jack. and want to hug Dean. he needs his person back so bad

[zacharyleigh316]

making a list, checking it twice

making a list, checking it twice | Teen and Up | 2.6K | Read here (or below cut)

Another holiday tradition born for the Winchester family.

“I want to write a letter to Santa.” Jack announced to the room, making Dean look up from the book he was reading.

They were in the library, pouring over the copious amounts of books and folders of lore the Men of Letters had stashed upon the shelves — “think of it as spring cleaning” Sam had said to them that morning over breakfast, after suggesting they could be kept occupied by doing some ‘light’ organizing, “but it’s winter, not spring”, and before making himself scarce, fucking off to who knows where, nowhere to be found when the time actually came to clean, “that’s why I said to think of it as spring cleaning, Dean,” came his brother’s ‘matter of fact’ reply, in that particular tone of his (you know the one), and “winter cleaning then,” Castiel supplied afterward, rather unhelpfully, but who was Dean to ever deny the angel anything, especially with that smile on his face, so here he was — and Jack met Dean’s eye, eyes twinkling with a startling amount of determination, as if they’d made an earth shattering revelation just now, one that wasn’t even related to what they were supposed to be doing.

“What was that?” Dean asked, as if he hadn’t heard the kid correctly the first time.

“I’d like to write a letter to Santa. That is what the kids do for Christmas isn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah, guess so,” Dean furrowed his brows, “but we’re not exactly the poster child for what most normal people do for, well, anything really.”

“Hm, true, but I’d still like to write one, if I can.”

“You can do whatever you want, kid, no one is gonna stop you.” Dean said, about to go back to his appraisal of his book, but paused.

“You know you could just tell us what you wanted. For Christmas. You don’t have to write a letter to Santa.” 

Jack smiled, and nodded, seemingly undeterred regardless of what Dean had to say about it. 

“I know.”

“Alright.” Dean said rather awkwardly, and was to the first to break eye contact. 

However, upon looking back down at his book, he found that he couldn’t even read the damn thing anymore, staring at the same grouping of words—of what creature Dean couldn’t even tell you—for some time without taking anything in; he just had to know.

“Jack, why Santa?”

“Why not?” They shrugged, expression earnest, and Dean’s jaw clenched with the force of all his self restraint.

This kid wasn’t very forthcoming, were they? Getting any sort of explanation from them was like pulling teeth. 

Of course it wasn’t the kid’s fault, they were just like that, and Dean was no stranger to it, after all, he had years experience with the kid’s father, and normally he didn’t mind it, but there was a time and place for everything, and when you were trying to ask questions (whilst skirting around the glaringly obvious “Santa ain’t real” conversation like it was a marquee sign with blinding, blinking, twinkly lights—Jack was still a kid when it came down to it) it was like stepping through a minefield. You’d think devoting your life to fighting monsters would make shit like this easy.

It did not.

“Sure,” Dean nodded, closing the book he was clearly done with for now, and leaned back in his chair, “but what if…Santa can’t get you what you ask for?”

“You mean if he isn’t real?”

Oh. 

Guess it wasn’t that hard after all, Dean thought, unable to stop the look of surprise on his face.

“I wasn’t gonna say that.” He muttered.

“It’s okay, Dean.” Jack chuckled. “But even if he doesn’t, I still want to. Just in case.”

“Just in case…what, exactly?” Dean asked,  brow raised curiously.

“Who’s to say what’s real and what’s not? Belief is about having faith, is it not? People believe in things, because having faith also means having hope. And when one doesn’t hope, it means we’ve given up, which is sad. I don’t like being sad.”

Dean chuckled. “Makes sense.”

“Besides, people might not have proof that the things they believe in exist, but that doesn’t mean they don’t. I’m a nephilim, and I exist. Angels and demons exist. Monsters exist. Many people don’t believe in the supernatural, and yet we’re still real. We hunt monsters for a living.”

“Can’t argue with you there.” Dean agreed, nodding.

“If all this still exists despite that, how can we say if Santa is real or not, either? I choose to believe. I have faith in him, and hope he’ll get my letter. Nothing bad can come from trying.” Jack finished, leaving an impressed Dean speechless.

“Damn, kid. That’s some sound logic.” He managed after a while, with an amazed whistle. 

“Thank you.” Jack beamed.

“Alright,” Dean said, quickly shifting gears, “enough of the philosophical, grown up talk, Aristotle, let’s write some letters to Santa.” 

“Really?” They asked, sounding hopeful. 

And damn if Dean wasn’t just as weak to this kid as he was to Castiel.

“Hell, you said yourself kid. Why the fuck not? And when you’re done, we’ll address it to the North Pole, and I’ll take you to the mailbox.”

Jack nodded. “I’d like that.”

And so, with a clap of his hands, Dean stood up and made his way over to the other side of the table to Jack. They found some paper, and a pen that Dean figured was probably Sam’s, lying around, made easy by the fact that they were already in the library, and put it to good use as they went about writing Jack’s letter to Santa.

The kid’s handwriting was pretty shit, but then again, Dean’s penmanship wasn’t anything to write home about either, and though slightly more legible, it was more authentic if Jack did it—plus Dean didn’t want to reap the nephilim the chance to do it themself. Jack was pretty excited about this, perhaps for some reason beyond Dean’s understanding, but he was young once too, and had been invested in making the holidays both ‘merry and bright’, if not for himself then for Sam, since the absence of their dad had saved John from any and all responsibility to pass the holiday bug around to his sons, so Dean could do this—at the very least—for his own kid. He was there in case Jack needed his help, and that was enough.

When Jack finished, they folded the letter up and put it in an envelope addressed to Santa, just like he promised. And if it helped Jack feel a little more like a normal kid, then that was a success in Dean’s book.

“Hey kid, you all set to go get it delivered?”

“Yes, I think so.” Jack replied with a nod, smiling down at the letter in their hands.

Dean chuckled and reached out, giving their shoulder and friendly pat, and squeezed. “Then let’s make sure Santa gets his letter.”

They headed to the garage and slipped into Baby, her leather cool and smooth, and Dean turned the key into the ignition, sending the kid a wink from across the bench seat as she roared to life. Her rumbling purr never failed to soothe that barely there ache in his soul, that itch he got every once and while, just under his skin. Jack patted her dash with a soft, appreciative smile, and Dean bit his cheek to hide the overwhelming bout of fondness that rattled against the cage of his chest, making his heart thrum in time with Baby’s idling.

“Wanna get some ice cream and hot cocoa after we send your letter?” Dean asked then, unable to help himself, a little bit of that fondness seeping out into the edges of him.

“Can they have the big marshmallows?” 

Dean laughed. “I don’t know if anybody does that, but tell you what kid, we can pick up some big marshmallows for our own hot cocoa on the way home.” He said as they pulled out, and though Jack didn’t reply, their resulting grin was answer enough.

Their posts in the library were left abandoned and forgotten.

Jack practically skipped to the mailbox at the post office, and, with Dean by their side, dropped the sealed envelope inside. 

“You really think Santa will get it? That the post delivers all the way there?”

Dean shrugged. “I don’t see why not, it’s a place right? And all places get mail. Besides, you could probably deliver it yourself if you wanted to.” 

Jack did have wings, that was, they were part angel. They honestly could just fly to the North Pole, and deliver the letter to Santa directly.

Jack looked thoughtful, brows furrowed.

“Oi, don’t get any ideas, kid. You said you wanted to experience this like a normal kid, and regular kids who aren’t nephilim have to wait for the post.” Dean added quickly, eyeing his kid skeptically.

“I know.” Jack said simply, before turning to wave at a woman who was watching them off to the side.

Christ this kid was something else, Dean thought to himself, internally shaking his head with an exasperated fondness, not too unlike the feeling from before.

However, externally, Dean’s hackles raised, and he instinctively stepped closer to Jack, like a mama bear protecting her young from a stranger who, may or may not, be hostile, and/or pose a threat.

“Hi!” Jack chirped, either unaware of Dean’s sudden change in demeanor, or just not commenting on it, in lieu of greeting said stranger. He really needed to teach this kid not to just talk to every random person they met.

“Hello.” She greeted back politely, apparently entirely nonplussed at the big, burly, six foot figure that imposed intimidation behind the kid’s left shoulder.

“Is this your son? Is he sending a letter to Santa?” She asked Dean, who crossed his arms, not backing down just yet.

“My kid, yeah,” he corrected, watching the lady’s face for any tells, “it’s their first time, actually. We never really celebrated Christmas, didn’t have the time between traveling…for work. But they wanted to try something new this year, so.” 

“Well then, you have a really great dad.” She said sweetly to Jack, who nodded enthusiastically.

“I do.” They agreed easily, and Dean looked at them, eyes wide in surprise.

They thought he was a great dad? Dean didn’t feel all that great, hell, didn’t think he was even that good, but Jack said it so effortlessly.

“He’s taking me out for ice cream and hot chocolate next!”

“Ooo,” she laughed, a light, bubbly sound that was genuine enough for Dean to finally settle, “you two have fun then. I won’t keep you any longer.”

Before she left, the woman leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially to Jack, in that fake ‘not at all quiet’ way people did when what they were about to say wasn’t actually a secret, “I’m sure Santa will get your letter. You seem like a very sweet kid.” 

It took a second for Dean to realize she had answered Jack’s question for him, and they watched her go, Dean only snapping out of it when he felt Jack’s hand slip into his. They were looking up at him with a smile, holy shit this kid was always smiling, but Dean was, once again, weak willed against it, and decided to allow it. 

They walked down the street to the diner for their sundaes and hot chocolate—with the mini marshmallows, “they’re just as good as the big ones,” and who was Dean to argue with that logic either—and returned to the bunker later full in more ways than one.

Sam finally returned from wherever sometime later, sputtering about at how nothing had gotten done, but shut up once Jack told him what they did instead, soft on the kid just the same as were they all, had always been from the start, and Dean resolutely ignored the way his brother looked at him for it. 

Castiel wasn’t spared from the explanation of their day either, Jack recounting in detail what they did at bedtime, Cas looking rather pleased from where he sat on edge of Jack’s bed, engaged fully, attention rapt despite the childlike, long windedness of it all. He was always amazing at that, paying attention to, and hanging on, your every word. It was one of the reasons why people loved him.

Why Dean loved him.

“Did they tell you what they wished for?” Dean asked when Cas slipped into bed, after tucking Jack in for the night.

“No, they didn’t say.”

“Damn. They were talking for hours. We didn’t even do that much today.” He said, impressed.

Cas chuckled, reaching over to drag his hand along the side of Dean’s face, smiling when he leaned into his palm. 

“Maybe not, but it was important to them. They needed to make sure we knew that.”

“They were really excited. Made me believe in Santa.”

“Mm.” Cas hummed, sounding amused.

“Shoulda heard them today Cas, they made some solid points. They’re a smart kid.”

“They are, yes.” Cas agreed.

“You think Santa’ll really get the letter?”

“I don’t know.” He said honestly, and their eyes met. “But I have faith he will.”

Dean grinned. “Yeah. Faith. Funny. They said that too.”

“Seems to be our motto, don’t you think?” Cas mused, happily accepting the answering kiss.

“Think we’ll make this a tradition. Get the whole family in on it. Whatcha think?”

Cas smiled at Dean as he yawned, and the two of them snuggled close together, just as they did every night. 

“I think that sounds wonderful.”

———

Dear Santa,

My name is Jack Kline. My mother was Kelly Kline, but she’s in Heaven now, and though I miss her, I know she’s safe and happy there. You know that, don’t you? I can only assume you’re omniscient, if the song is to be believed. 

But it’s okay because I have a bigger family now, to fill in the gaps. Though my last name is Kline, I’m a Winchester. But you probably know that too, right?

Anyway, I don’t know if you deliver presents to nephilim, oh yeah I’m a nephilim by the way, but I promise I’ve been good. Did I make it on your list? I hope so, but if I didn’t that’s okay too, I didn’t want much. I already have what I wanted. 

But if you’re still in the business of granting wishes, all I wanted to ask for was to bring my family together for Christmas. We don’t really celebrate the holidays, because we’re always busy hunting, but they’ve worried about everyone else long enough that they deserve a break too (plus I think it would be nice to have a normal family Christmas like they do in the hallmark movies Dean secretly enjoys watching). 

P.S. Dean is one of my dads! 

But yeah, that’s all Santa. 

Love,

Jack.

P.P.S. Okay I lied, I know that’s pretty bad, and I’m sorry Santa, but I also really want a snow globe, because I think they’re cool.

———

Dean yawned, still weary from sleep, as he entered the kitchen Christmas morning, and started the coffee pot, leaning against the counter to support his heavy, sleep-addled limbs. It was still early enough that everyone else in the bunker was asleep, giving Dean the chance to make breakfast for his family. And despite his caffeine deprivation, soon to be cured by the glorious pot of bean juice currently brewing, he found himself oddly cheery, a bubbly sort of excitement simmering just beneath the surface.

He poured himself a cup when the machine was done, and, after a long, satisfying gulp of the black, bitter slosh, Dean turned around to start about making their actual breakfast, stopping short when he noticed that, just over there, on the dining table, sat comfortably right in the middle like a centerpiece, was a snow globe, gently falling, sparkling snow over a family and their black car, within.

[girlreviews]

Review #263: Tracy Chapman, Tracy Chapman

You don’t get artists like Tracy Chapman come along too often, and it’s infuriating when they do, because you see the same old shit play out. People are threatened by their mere presence and the idea that they can make something so incredible, but especially that it might give marginalized people a voice. This record came out the year I was born, so it’s approaching its 36th birthday. It’s both unsurprising and also a little devastating at how relevant it remains in 2024. I’ll start by saying: I love it, her, I always have, and I have so many memories attached to this record. Some so sad and some really sweet, all really tender.

But I have something to say about both music critics and general white fragility when it comes to Tracy. Here’s a 1988 review from renowned critic Robert Christgau, self proclaimed “Dean of American Rock Critics” (are American rock critics some kind of authority too? Why’s that? Interesting.):

"Fast Car" is so far-seeing, "Mountains o' Things" so necessary, that it's doubly annoying when she puts her name on begged questions like "Why" and "Talkin' Bout a Revolution." Maybe I should be heartened and so forth that Intelligent Young People are once again pushing naive left-folkie truisms, but she's too good for such condescension--even sings like a natural. Get real, girl. B MINUS”

Where to begin? Firstly, that is the entire review. So you want to talk about condescension, Robert? You can start by referring to Tracy Chapman as a grown woman, which she is, and was, in 1988. And critic you may be, but you’ve never written a review that’s even half as good as Talkin’ Bout A Revolution, which is more relevant today than any of your writing. Why was about apartheid. Maybe you had the luxury of not giving a fuck. Assigning grades? B minus? Get real, boy.

Curious what grade you gave Paul Simon’s Graceland, an album recorded during apartheid, some in South Africa with an array of African musicians who he then toured with. This was both criticized and praised. The point is, it was very political, not in content so much, but in creation. So, when it’s done by an egotistical white man? Listen, I love Graceland but don’t think I won’t be looking into that with some serious side-eye. OH WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE, PAUL SIMON’S 1986 GRACELAND RECEIVED AN A. Fuck all the way off, and then fuck off some more.

This album isn’t for you. Has it ever occurred to you that not every piece of music was made to be consumed by you? And to be declared worthy by you? Jesus fucking Christ, the audacity. She’s singing about poverty, the kind most people will never truly know. The traumatic kind. She’s singing about domestic violence, you know, the kind typically perpetrated by men against women and that too often takes their lives. She’s singing about a tense relationship with the police. She’s singing about escaping dire situations with a glimmer of hope that she might finally belong, that she might finally “be someone”… Only to find herself in seemingly just as dire ones. Do you relate, Robert? Let’s go back to 1988 and you just sit this one out. To be clear, it’s not entirely for me either! But when you have that awareness, you can hear something and still appreciate it. It’s not that hard.

Fast Car was still on the radio a good bit when I was growing up, and again, I think my Mom played this record from time to time. But my real connection to Tracy Chapman came to me in two different ways: VH1’s Pop Up Video, which I watched every single day before I went to school. Over and over, the same episodes. There was an episode that featured Fast Car, and I remember just being floored by the little facts that popped up. Her life had been so unbelievably difficult, with challenge after challenge — which is pretty damn clear in the song. The thing I always remember is that as a young girl, she had saved up her money to buy a guitar, and then her best friend stole it. As stupid as it sounds I think about that all the time. Anyway, this song is special, and everyone knows it, it’s massive, but it’s something different to everyone. Can anyone relate specifically to what she’s describing? Probably somebody, somewhere. Maybe lots of people. But I can tell you that I listened to this song curled up in my bed pretending to be asleep with tears streaming down my face. Wishing that some parts of it weren’t true for me, and wishing that some parts of it were. It’s both a gut punch and a cup of tea between my cold hands.

The second way was Baby Can I Hold You, which, and this kind of cracks me up, was covered by Irish boyband Boyzone in the 90s. Little baby me was pretty into Boyzone, but eventually learned that the original artist was Tracy Chapman. Obviously, her version is better. It hurts my feelings. Is it someone declaring their feelings? Or is it someone communicating the experience of an emotionally unavailable partner, and the words they long to hear? Either way, there’s an ache in it, and it’s beautiful.

Tracy Chapman has been having a major resurgence, because a white male country artist covered Fast Car and as a result an entire new generation of young people are being moved by it. While I kind of wish there wasn’t a cover like this at all, it’s been nice to see Luke Combs give Tracy Chapman the spotlight she deserves and make it her moment. They seem to have a sweet and thoughtful relationship, and he truly loved the record when it came out. He had it on cassette. It was really something to see Tracy on stage at the Grammys smiling, thriving, looking beautiful as ever and singing with that voice just shutting everybody the hell up. I also appreciate that he kept the genders the same in his cover. I’d love to know whether he chose that or whether she insisted upon it. Either way, it was the right call.

Chances are you’ve heard Fast Car, and maybe even Baby Can I Hold You. Don’t be a dweeb, this record is significant and I really believe you’re missing out if you go through your life without listening to it, but it’s your call. I’d like to personally thank Tracy Chapman and VH1’s Pop Up Video for their contributions to my life and the content of my brain. I love you both so very much.

[quietwingsinthesky]

something very tragic about how Dean’s worldview (ie that people are what they are rather than the product of what they do, that they cannot change being what they are, that what they do never matters if fundamentally, deep down, they are Bad because inevitably they will always backslide due to their nature) is one of the biggest things that prevents him from growing as a person. The infamous “I’m poison” speech is the obvious moment of it, where Dean doesn’t acknowledge that what he did to Sam was wrong, but instead decides that it’s what he is that’s wrong, that there’s no way for him to make good choices that will let the people around him love him and be safe.

This, like a lot of how he sees the world, is the product of hunting — it’s the only way he can keep doing his job without collapsing in on himself by considering that the monsters they’ve killed might have had a chance to become better if they’d had other options. They have to be Evil, they have to be the bad guys. (and Dean likes stories where the bad guy always loses at the end, there’s comfort in the simplicity of it.) Dean himself occupies a space of Good in relation to what he kills, but Bad in relation to other people. He’s carved out his own little space there so that he can alienate himself from everyone, put himself into a little box where he can never change and can only keep doing what he’s doing forever. Where he knows he will never be loved for long, so he can instead make the hard choices that keep other safe, and if they end up hating him for that, then they were always going to hate him anyway because he’s. poison. (ex. Sam & Gadreel situation, but also everything with Lisa & Ben.)

The problem is that people don’t actually work like this. He can rationalize away his own actions, he will always live in his box, but that’s a lot harder to do for other characters like Cas, Benny, Sam. How I wish they hadn’t deleted that scene where Benny confesses to Dean that he drank from a person because it would have made that whole situation infinitely more complex. Dean’s view of Benny is definitely that he’s Not Like Other Vampires: Benny doesn’t hurt people, Benny hunts vampires and the other monsters in Purgatory, Benny tries to assimilate into human life as best he can. That’s what allows Dean to move him from one category to the next, into someone who is Good, not a monster, not inherently evil, and therefore, someone Dean should be allowed to have a continuing relationship with no matter what Sam says and who Dean will not believe is killing people despite them having the bare minimum of evidence that he is that they’d normally use to hunt anything else. And then, if they’d just had that one scene proving to Dean that Benny���s not special, that when backed into a corner, yeah, he’ll do what he has to to survive, he needs to fucking eat. Idk. It would have been my favorite part of their whole arc tbh. Is remorse for his actions enough for Dean to keep him in his mind as a good person, or is it the willingness to sacrifice for Sam, or does having a close relationship with Benny give Dean the wiggle room to start questioning his worldview. Unfortunately, canonically, that scene doesn’t exist, so we don’t get to know lol.

I want to write out a whole thing for Cas, too, but honestly, it can mostly be summed up as Dean never really letting Cas into the category of Good, especially not post-s6, no matter what he does, because Dean always perceives himself on some level as needing to be able to shove Cas out in order to kill him if he goes bad again. He has. so many issues about that angel. Cas is on probationary good status with a caveat that says ‘Useful’ underneath, and the thing is that this is not something that stops Dean from seeing him as his best friend, either. He’s just Dean’s best friend that he might have to murder one day for everyone’s sakes. To me, anyway, and as the show goes on and Cas gets noticeably toothless regarding Dean’s decisions and judgement, I think he’s allowed further and further into that category.

But Sam is the really interesting one, cause I think Sam, in Dean’s head, is paradoxically in both. We can talk about Dean’s Sam-related Madonna-Whore complex another day, but what it comes down to is that Sam is always, will always, be capable of going bad and can easily be seduced into doing so and never makes the right decisions on his own, which would, for anything Dean hunts, be reason enough to put them down. But Sam is also Dean’s little brother and something to be protected, or maybe more accurately, preserved, like a butterfly pinned down with its wings spread and kept behind glass. Preserved at all costs, against Sam’s wishes and despite his protests, specifically when the cost of preserving him is something Sam has to pay. (A lot of the time when Sam does the same thing, sacrifices something to save Dean in the same way, the price isn’t something to Dean personally. It’s usually larger. It’s world-ending. Which is v interesting to me, narratively. Sam’s survival is at the cost of his autonomy where Dean’s survival reinforces his idea that he’s poisonous to the world around him, that his own life is what keeps causing all this horrible shit to keep happening to the world and to them.) So, in occupying both, the only thing Dean can do is try to keep as much control over Sam as possible to make sure he does not backslide into his inherently evil nature, and he does this because Sam will always be good, deep down, to him.

Does any of this make any fucking sense alsjdkfjfk. tl;dr: Everyone in Dean’s world has to be static on the scale of good and evil because if they weren’t, he’d be even more fucked up about all the monsters/people he has killed.

[kintatsujo]

Sometimes school related polls come up on my dash and I have to go "wait, no, don't put that in a stranger's notes, Kinta, that's horrifying"

Like the question "how often did you get in trouble" is a genuinely difficult thing for me to answer with the standard assumptions a lot of people make

Because TECHNICALLY I was a little goody two shoes in a lot of respects

But also I got severely bullied, got a couple of detentions in grade school for fighting back, got school mandated therapy because Mom wouldn't stop complaining that I was coming home with new injuries every day

And also got like twelve detentions once because I was behaving in a threatening manner to one kid so one of his buddies decided to football tackle me into the wall and give me a concussion, and the student dean was convinced that I was evil and therefore deserved whatever punishment she could give me

Said student dean also regularly sat me down with my bullies and yelled at all of us as a group.

Said student dean ALSO wouldn't let me leave her office once until I "confessed" to "wanting the attention."

So like. "How often did you get in trouble" is really hard for me to answer properly because the student dean at my middle school was a fucking kid's book villain.

[hadesbullshit]

hi hades! i have a lot of strong opinions on a couple specific spn episodes, and id love to hear your thoughts!! i will not judge for your answers, because this show fucking sucks but also its the greatest piece of media ever so any opinion is correct objectively. ok anyways

what do you think about: faith (season 1 episode 13) , roadkill (season 2 episode 16) , and playthings (season 2 episode 11)?

I'm gonna rewatch them to ansure this (bc y be normal about media when u can go ferral) but pre rewatch: Roadkill is one of my fav eps ever.

1x12 (faith is 1x12. 1x13 is Route 666 (also a very good ep as a dean charaitor study if u do want my thoughts it)):

i forgot how much i love this ep. I'm really into religious imagery in any media. dean on deaths door in the singlar reazon I'm gay /j. Sam's desperation to save Dean was always hinted at but this ep really does the "show not tell" thing right in a way most of the show doesn't. john not coming to help dean is one of the reasons i fucking hate the guy. Dean refuses to believe there is a God pre s4 because what god would put him though everything he's been though, i love him so much. the parrales between john and god with Dean's faith in an absent father.

Quotes:"i didn't pick you dean, the lord did" "why do you deserve to live more than my daughter" "it must be ruff. to belive in somerthing so much and have it disappoint you"

2x11:

of the 3 eps this is my least favourite I'm going to be honest but i still love it so much. The twist is so good. the sibling devotion, they would rather be dead together then one of them leave (Sam and Dean prrallels). "what do you mean we look the type" is iconic (Dean vs people knowing he's bi before he does). Sam's break down, begging Dean to be the one who kills him is so well done.

2x16 (this will be looooong):

when the audience learns things after Sam and Dean/the narrative isn't chronological but we think it is, it makes the twists better. Sam wanting to ease Molly into the fact she is dead vs Dean wanting to tell her straight up bc in Sam's life knowing about monsters has only ever been a burden wear as Dean (Has not met Mary yet and doesn't know she knew about deamons) thinks, as John thinks, that he would still have his family if more people knew how to protect themselves. (i might be reading to much into that part but i am a lit & media student). then after the half way point Sam wants to tell her because she thinks David is dead and that is the worst thing in the world for her whereas Dean wants to comic to lying because telling someone the truth this far in would be hard and he cant have emotional convocations to save his life (see also; Gadreel arc).

This ep is so good for rewatching it and putting into context the things Dean says. The resolution of her letting go of the loop AAAAAA.

Every motw ep in spn has a little twist in it and using the different graves to fulfil the audience expectations only to pull the rug out from underneath with the "Molly is ALSO a ghost" .

The enphisis on the idea people are not born monsters especially in relation to Sam. "what ever it is, they just hold on too tight. caught in the same loop" (sam talking about the ghost but also him and Jessica (among others)) and "something happened to them. something they couldn't control" (sam with his whole being a deamon & yellow eyes' army in s2) bc Sam in the early seasons is insane and so full of self loathing.

The question of what happens to monsters after they die (and people) being uninsurable, beng afraid of death and the unknown feels like a nod towards s3 with dean waiting to die having no idea what will happen. "hope is kinda the whole point" them pre hell, and pre knowning just how fucked up every is AAAAAA

[scoobydoodean]

I just want you to know how disheartened I constantly am in the SPN fandom and how I have to constantly unfollow SPN blogs because of the way Dean gets vilified to hell and back in posts. It's so hard for me as a victim of child abuse that really relates to Dean's struggles to see Dean get accused of being abusive or scrutinized as though he were in the same shoes as John. I hate the way it's all about who is worse to each other... Sam or Dean... who is the true victim between them... when they are just both victims of impossible circumstances that get through it all by loving and caring for each other. They both do shitty stuff but everyone wants to paint one as a saint and another as a villain and it's so tasteless. They are both sad little men whose only happiness is their brother, who went through it all with them, who has always been there. Idk, I just wish people appreciated more that Sam and Dean have been through hell together and they're both a bit fucked up but Dean isn't some villain and neither is Sam. Your takes are so refreshing it's so nice to see someone who gets it. Thanks!

❤️ None of these guys are villains! They are fucked up and sometimes they do fucked up things but they are overwhelmingly well-meaning, and even when they aren't they make sense? Like I would rather talk all day about why they are the way they are than spend time vilifying them (unless I am fucking around with crits in which case Sam and Cas are evil! Horrible! Villains of all time, I tell you!)

I think it's a damn shame that a chunk of people here would rather do abuse victim vs. abuser hours with the show—in such a hypocritical way too—and this is not the first time I have, in my notifs, had someone tell me how upsetting they find that vilification from the perspective of their personal experience. Like this is a group of fans who seem to pride themselves on being "sensitive" to victims of abuse and accuse people like me of being "abuse apologists" and being "insensitive" to real people by not "acknowledging" that Dean is an abuser (as if that wasn't a take built from a vile level of hypocrisy, cherry-picking, and willful misinterpretation) but I have had you and people with related experiences in my notifs many times saying how upsetting that framing of Dean is to them based on their own experiences with abuse and relating to Dean in that.

I happen to think a balanced perspective on the show and it's clearly-meant-to-be-sympathetic and well-meaning characters with various traumas and outlooks, presents a much broader stage for real compassion for real people with very diverse lived experiences actually—instead of a state of being where only one type of victim of bad experiences deserves compassion. I mean that's just if this is how people want to talk about Supernatural (2005)—if they wanna get preachy. Personally, I just find the entire argument—the way everything is framed to vilify Dean and absolve everyone around him of any bad action—super gross and manipulative and sometimes I can tell it isn't on purpose and it's coming from a place of someone's own pain and trauma, but other times it feels 100% intentional and then it feels extra ugly.

It isn't just the cherry picking and the dismissal but also how manipulative the framing becomes in order to support the goal of villainizing Dean, and how that manipulative framing in itself can invoke memories of ones own experience with an abuser's manipulations to make them believe they "deserved" the abuse they got or it was actually all their fault. And like. None of this means people can't do whatever the fuck they want in terms of interpreting the show but I just wish they'd stop being so preachy about it and talking about how sensitive and compassionate they are when they are triggering a lot of feelings for people with different experiences from their own—they just don't give a shit about those people or refuse to see them because they don't find their experiences relatable.

I really think people just need to watch the show and 1) learn how to look at someone they don't initially find relatable and work on understanding how they tick, starting from a blank slate perspective and guided by the desire to look at them in good faith instead of seek out flaws and evil intentions 2) learn how to not like a character without jumping to find a moral justification for not liking them. It is okay to just not like a character—to say they leave a bad taste in your mouth. You don't have to start making moral judgements about people who don't feel the same way about that character or invent things to frame the character as some evil manipulative mastermind.

Like at one time I would say—the first time I watched SPN—I was a MAJOR Sam hater. I thought he was horrifically selfish and controlling and I thought he was an ugly, manipulative man-baby brat. So like from the perspective of how I thought of Sam, I can say I can understand how someone might come to similar conclusions about Dean and then feed those conclusions and build on them. But at some point you have to take a step back and ask yourself what you want from this story and why you're watching it, and I don't think the answer should be, "To make myself miserable and marinate in increasing loathing for this character and the story as a whole as I continuously look for more reasons to hate some guy who is increasingly becoming somebody I just made up while the characters around him continue to love and support him and be willing to die for him".

[aceaceace144616]

Welcome, Caller

by M Dean Wright

my thoughts in a nutshell: "oh no hes just like me fr"

ok i dont really review books or anything, thats my friend's job (cheeky promo alana_the_bibliophile on instagram) nah yeah but this one was just so good.

firstly, as a neurodiverse bi trans dude i related so hard to Malcom (the main character) with the overloads and insecurities and just everything. i may or may not have to get this entire transcript tattooed upon my person cos it just hits so close to home in places i didnt even realise until the book brought them to my attention.

like the whole thing about Malcolm not going after things that will make him happy (Peter) just cause he feels like hes so fucked up ± messing something up on purpose before you can mess it up by accident vibes. i literally said (in a squidward impression cos that is important information) "oh no hes just like me for real" out loud on a bus (but it was a loud bus so no one heard) (hopefully). also another thing, Peter telling Malcolm about his auDHD and what he likes + dislikes about sensory stuff. and Malcolm believing and respecting him. i just. its such wish fulfilment. that along with the rest of the story, its all just wish fulfilment. having multiple queer and neurodiverse friends that help you when youre struggling and will beat up your unsupportive family members. (also having a dude think youre hot. wouldnt mind)

secondly, it was just a good read. like i really enjoyed reading it, which hasnt happened for a while. it made me smile and laugh in public (which i never do). fr i was having a giggle on the bus, in class, in doctors waiting rooms, everything. i actually looked forward to reading it as well and i had to trudge through other stuff just so i could get back to it.

lowkey gives love simon vibes (from what i remember of the book when i read it in like 2018), just chock full of natural and believable sounding dialogue and references to things im sure ill actually like. (in my notes app on my old phone i went through the book and wrote down all the references made in love simon and it was pretty extensive (and now i have to do this for this book. oh no guess ill have to read it again oh this is so sad whelp better start now see ya)).

and like the friendship between the characters, the dialogue never felt too forced and they talked like actual people id talk to. swearing at and bullying your friends is a love language and it was done pretty well in this, and also the sending of memes being like an important step in a friendship is too real. also the revival of interest in records, my cousins poor bank account is a testament to that being relatable.

thirdly, the story. we got enemies to friends to lovers, we got 'there was only one bed', we got a road trip, we got a sickfic, and so much more and you know that i ate it up every time.

that as well as the epic highs and lows of making friends in your 20s (lol).

the book follows Malcolm slowly becoming friends with this irl dude Peter while falling for this 'mysterious' radio host Rebo, with his friends supporting him the whole time.

like i dont really go for romantic style stories but this was just so good (but then again ive barely read anything since back when i used to inhale books at like age 12) + the chemistry between Malcolm and Peter was just chefs kiss so good man.

also, the name Goby (one of his friends) kinda got me tho ngl, gobby is australian slang for… something, and i got a jump scare whenever they showed up lol.

Edit: they Goby on my Gumby till I Cheese. I'm so fucking sorry I had to write that down I couldn't get to sleep.

the only bad thing about the book (not that its bad bad, just like if i had to pick something) would be that the ending was made out of like 3 epilogues with indeterminable time skips between them. unless i missed something idk. im just more about the 'the characters kept on living' kinda ending, less 'albus serverus potter' style stuff, not that it was even like that tho.

but also wanting to own and run an incredibly specific cafe+store with your partner is just so fucking gay. oh my god. fanfiction shit right there /pos.

lastly, i haven't read heaps of books in the last couple years, preferring movies and shows more than my childhood self who lived in books series, almost like i didnt like reality or something (unthinkable ik)(i literally had this printed out and hung on my wall)(and on me liking movies more, thats a whole nother fucking topic and a half so ill complain about it in another post)(but anyway).

like honestly, i think that i might get back into reading, even though i forgot how many hours just fly by when i read, cos this was just great. (dont tell my mum she'll throw a fucking party)(again, different topic).

also admittedly, i did sotra kinda maybe slightly pirated it and read it off a pdf BUT! cos i like it so much im probably going to buy a physical copy (for almost 40 fucking dollars including shipping Jesus fucking Christ)

ik not a single person but me will see this review but i dont care. this book was made for me about me

tldr: