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f1fantasy · 4 years ago

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F1 drivers as parents ✨

Lewis - Takes the kids camping so he can teach them about nature and the environment. Super supportive and does the right amount of spoiling so he makes them happy but do not ruin them. Going to the park to play with the dogs and drink slushies is a family favorite.

Bottas - Is the kind of dad that has the picture of his baby daughter in the wallet and wants to show everyone ALL THE TIME. Quiet type of dad but so in love with his baby he would do anything for her. Would definitely wear the #1 dad shirt.

Max - Confused stonks all over the place, does not know how to make a baby bottle, burns his hand, spills it on the floor and makes the kid a fruit salad, discovering afterwards that it was the healthiest way out. Calls the mother EVERY TIME to make sure he’s doing things right.

Alex - Young dad material. Masters every single parenting skill without effort, plays with the kids for hours without getting bored and is a pro at putting them to bed. Afterwards cooks dinner and organizes the toys, perfect guy.

Carlos - Gives balls to the kids even before they are one month old. Teaches a two year old girl soccer and succeeds at it. Mini golf is the go to plan for a Sunday afternoon. The kind of dad that plays sports with kids because he genuinely enjoys spending time like that with them and not because he has to. Hot dad.

Lando - As silly as his kids. Weird faces and dances are his way to make them smile. Super focused on work but when he’s home he gives his undivided attention to the children. A bit overly competitive on videogames but now and then lets the kids win so he feels good at parenting.

Seb - DAD MATERIAL. The kind of dad that sits on the floor and let the girls paint his nails and do makeup and still looks really masculine and lovely. Teaches the kids how to eat healthy but sneaks lollipops and chocolate bars for them without the mother seeing it. Could sit a whole day just watching Barbie and pay attention to the movies.

Charles - HOT DAD pt2. Would dress his kids in the cutest clothes, like they had just jumped out of a magazine. Would sign then up for horse riding and piano classes and subtly cry at every recital or competition because he’d be so proud and that’d be so pretty. Would now and then show up in a different car to pick his son at school so the other kids would go “WOOOOOW THAT’S SICK”.

Checo - Mexican daaaaaaad. Loud dad, kinda strict but super in love with his family. So proud of his children, would skip job to watch his son’s soccer match even if he stayed on the bench the whole time. Everything would be a valid reason for icecream and taco night. Support and validation would be his way to show love.

Lance - Super loving and caring. Would raise his kids by talking and explaining everything, never raising his voice, so they would understand the things and make their own decisions. EXTREMELY patient with everything, in an almost supernatural way. Would be so happy to throw family parties and tell some dad jokes. Family man!!!! Popular among the daycare moms because he looks so charming and is so polite, popular among the kids’ friends because he’s extremely good at EVERY SINGLE SPORT and is willing to teach everyone.

Daniel - That dad who plays soccer with his teenager son and his friends, wins and laughs at their faces. Gets the teens beer without the mother knowing and is a big time friend. The kind of dad that kids are proud to say they have. Had some trouble with the mom in the early years because he taught the kids how to cuss, but learned his lesson and has a key role in education, not just the fun part.

Ocon - Goes from “Look, that’s my daughter! You look amazing! Spin, ballerina” with tears of joy in his eyes to “Mess with my kid and I’ll kill you slowly and painfully” in 0.0000007 seconds. Would dress up as Prince Charming in Halloween and take his little girl’s hand on his and go trick or treating proudly. Would love everything about the kid and be so supportive even on the weird phases (do you want to go EMO? Let’s paint this hair purple! Dad’s got your back!)

Pierre - Treats his daughter like a baby even after she gets married. Is kinda confused about the parenting stuff in the beginning but figures it out as it goes. Takes A LOT of pictures of irrelevant stuff because he just cannot believe that a perfect little girl like that is his daughter. Spoils her a little too much but she grows up to be an amazing brave and kind woman, mirroring her dad.

Kvyat - Kind of dad that laughs when the son falls and runs to help if he starts crying. Wants the boy to play hockey or football or rugby but when he decides to play chess he goes to every match and cheers the hell out and screams his lungs out in support. Absolutely hates boybands but would (angrily) wear a Harry Styles headband to take his babygirl to a concert and to see her happy.

Magnussen - Punk dad that scares the shit out of his kids’ friends (and their dads too). Tries to be strict but melts whenever his daughter makes puppy eyes and asks for dessert before dinner. Jealous and overprotective, also scares the shit out of the daughter’s boyfriend, but tries to socialize with him because she asks to.

Grosjean - Silly dad material. Would try cooking some weird baby food because the specialists say it’s good for the growth process. Smiley pancakes for breakfast and would always tie the laces of his kid’s shoes, in a sign of how much pure affection he has in that heart. Extremely thoughtful about the well-being of his kids and how they’re doing in school and with friends. Super focused on not embarrassing the kids but now and then lets a “daddy loves you, munchkin” slip.

Kimi - Hates everything kid-related except his kids. School meetings? Hates. Parents reunion? Hates. Father’s day soccer match? HATES. Is the kind of dad that TRULY loves that ugly ass coffee and watercolor paint drawing just because his daughter made him. Has tons of folders to save every piece of art, letter, video or school project he ever received and now and then goes and look at them to feel happy. Values hardwork so much he watches 5 times the terrible theater play his son is presenting only because he rehearsed for three months.

Gio - Popular among the daughter’s friends because HE CAN BRAID HAIR!!!! Cooks the same pasta 4 times a week because is his son’s favorite. Chill and respectful dad, super likable and actually funny, but in a cool way. Cool dad. Helps his kids with school projects but by actually helping and not by making everything himself.

Nicky - Shows classic music and movies for the kids so they grow up jamming to the 80’s songs he himself grew up listening. Takes them on snowboard vacations and surf trips even though he looks like a boring dad. The family has a whole “just chilling” aura but he invests and values education - be it socially (being polite, resourceful, kind) or academically (focusing on school, college and learning in general).

George - No one doubted he would be a good dad but everyone got surprised when he turned out naturally gifted for it. He’s not too serious but also not too playful, he educates his children well but also has so much fun with them. Really into father and son long term activities, like building a car from scratch or fully remodeling the backyard garden.

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indipindy16 · 5 years ago

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Heyyyyy, so about that doc with the AU ideas.... (Please feed me I yearn for content)

im obsessed with the idea of monoma and aizawa being related to afo lol. you only see like 3 quirks in the whole series that are based on other quirks - what i would call ‘meta quirks,’ that would only have any function in a world of quirked people. so ofc these 3 quirks have to be related:

afo decided to have a bunch of kids, to see if he could make noumus out of them which retained their brains after being given a bunch of quirks. he impregnated a bunch of women lol, but he kept tabs on them. as soon as the kids turned 4 and presented their quirk, they would be kidnapped by the doctor and brought into the lab. most of the kids had quirks based on quirks (seeing quirks, stealing quirks, copying quirks, erasing quirks…) and are various ages. aizawa, monoma and midoriya were some of them, but aizawa got saved by his badass mother when he was still a kid, so he was already gone by the time midoriya and monoma came around. the two of them manage to escape while afo is still recovering from his fight with all might, and since monoma’s mother was killed by afo, he goes to live with midoriya and his mother. they go off the grid and run away from afo. in this au midoriya is quirkless, up until he meets all might and it goes as usual. umm could be from monoma’s pov, and include monoshin because that’s cute. basically after the sports festival, afo finds monoma again and in the summer camp they kidnap him instead of bakugou. (the reason why aizawa was never caught or taken back by afo is because he won the whole sports fest and became too famous/well protected to be easily stolen back - since monoma didn’t make the fight rounds, he’s a perfect target. afo only knew the kids by their quirks, he never actually met them, so he doesn’t realise that midoriya is one of his kids as well because mido has a quirk now.) anyway so after they kidnap monoma back, he and midoriya spill the beans to the ua faculty, aizawa has a midlife crisis over the fact that he now has younger siblings, and afo continues to be a dick who doesn’t pay child support.

just some sweets stuff as well:

Christmas cake: Japanese slang for an unmarried woman over 25 who is considered undesirable as a wife, in the same way that Christmas cakes are considered useless after Christmas Day.

Good thing for Jirou, she never cared much about being ‘desirable’ to the opposite sex anyway.

-> a momojirou story about jirou’s 26th birthday and momo reassuring her that she is the best gf ever, and that she loves her very much. pro hero gfs <3

like. the trope of aizawa adopting shinsou? well what about instead… hawks adopting tokoyami?? maybe he comes from a super religious family and they tried to exorcise the ‘demon’ from him, protective services put him in the foster system, and he ends up with really shitty foster families, and his quirk is considered ‘dangerous.’ but then our boy hawks swoops in and goes ‘u know what? i’m not letting my intern get disrespected like this’ and adopts him. obviously hawks is still young himself (22 i think), so he’s not very good at the whole parenting thing, but miruko helps him out. he becomes an older brother figure for tokoyami. gen found family fluff ensues

bEST JEANIST AS A TEENAGE FASHION ICON

thats it, thats the idea

HAIKYUU AU - no quirks. just volleyball

so the ua boys volleyball team is on the rocks. its been pretty much non-existent and turned to dust at this point. but, it once own the nationals.

izuku’s mum runs this second hand / antique / trinket store, and izuku helps out sometimes. one day, he finds some old sports tapes in the back and watches them - they’re of the year when ua was at nationals, and their striker, yagi toshinori, inspires izuku to play volleyball.

bakugo is on the school team and he threatens / bullies izuku not to join, so izuku has to train on his own. he learns shitty technique, but he ends up building some muscle by clearing out the beach.

izuku gets into ua, and when he goes to apply for the volleyball team, ofc bakugo picks a fight. the other first-years who join the team are todoroki, kaminari, shinsou, kirishima, and iida. there aren’t any second years - they all got expelled - but mirio and tamaki are on the team as third years, and nejirou is the team manager. their teacher sponsor is a new teacher this year, and it’s left ambiguous. there’s the whole ‘get over ur differences if u want to join’ thing, and then woohoo! team!

turns out their teacher sponsor is aizawa. he drags in the now-retired-due-to-injury yagi toshinori to be the coach. when aizawa went to ua, the volleyball team was too small to go to any tournaments - he’s determined to turn it around and let these kids live their dreams.

some ‘canon? what’s that?’ ideas:

just a really wholesome story about inko and mitsuki being besties. met in middle school or something, supported each other through everything… just gals being the best of pals...

or i mean u could make it gay, that’s always an option (and have izuku and katsuki grow up as actual bros, and actually be friendly to one another? what a shocker) - like, the two of them get sperm donors and are pregnant at the same time so the kids can be twins or something. and ofc you’d expect katsuki to be closest to mitsuki and for inko to be closest to izuku, but then to make it a TWIST add some great bonding between inko + katsuki and mitsuki + izuku!! i’ve never really seen any mitsuki + izuku bonding in stories before, so that’d be pretty cool

izuku gets hit by a villain’s quirk during a big villain attack when he’s 7, turning him part-cat. the villain dies during the attack, so they can’t erase his quirk’s effects - they’d have to surgically remove the ears and tail, or get an expensive quirk specialist in. izuku decides he likes being a nekomimi, so he keeps them and gets being part-cat officially registered as his quirk. he has better senses and agility, and he can talk to cats now i guess. also his eyes are cat eyes. he doesn’t pass the ua exam, so he goes into the general department instead, but he does really well in the sports festival and gets transferred into the hero course with shinsou. (this is all just because i need a valid excuse to make izuku have cat ears.)

some ‘future au’ ideas:

all of the pro heroes merch lines - deku’s ’t-shirt’ shirts, tokoyami’s edgy emo/goth hoodies, iida’s ingenium trainers, bakugou’s popping candy chocolate, todoroki’s own brand of scar cream, HAGAKURE’S CAMO COLLECTION OMG the possibilities are endless

---i made hagakure’s camo for her bday drawing

(i use a strikethrough so i know which ideas i’ve used or posted anywhere. i think that once i put an idea on the internet, it’s probably free reign, so if you want to use any of these for fics or art go ahead. i’d just appreciate it is you could link back to me haha)

5 years after graduating from the General Studies department of UA, Hitoshi opened his own agency. As a private detective.

By the time he’s 25, he’s settled in and relatively comfortable with his career choice. So when his work phone rings one day and he’s still half-asleep he easily opens with, “Shinsou Detective Agency. Before you ask, I do not investigate cheating spouses or missing dogs and I do not screen potential employees for companies.” He paused. “I’ll investigate missing cats, though.”

The person on the other end took a harsh breath, like an almost-laugh, and responded gruffly, “Hm. Good to know if Jelly ever gets lost.”

-> aka shinsou is a PI and aizawa contacts him for help on a case. aizawa never sought out shinsou after the sports festival, being too busy with 1-a’s insane antics, and so shinsou went on to never become a hero. maybe he’s also a vigilante on the side? idk. anyway so yeah aizawa gives him temporary permission to use his quirk during the case. they investigate, blah blah, the point is that afterwards aizawa gets shinsou a licence and takes him on as a sidekick (the same way ingenium offered to koichi in vigilantes)

i have new ideas on the daily. this doc is just growing

keep in mind, i have given to you here only a few of the shortest ones. there are several huge paragraphs of full-au ideas (like where izuku has a quirk, and the entire story follows canon)

these are, ostensibly, ideas for fics that i never write because i’m lazy. but some of them i do end up using for art or comics, so... yeah. most of the comics i’ve posted were originally just little scripts in this doc. an example:

yamada and reformed!shirakumo are walking together, with coffees

shirakumo: so then i - oh, your phone’s wringing

(yamada’s ringtone is the nyancat song, and the contact name is ‘daddy’)

shirakumo: haha, you still call ur dad ‘daddy’? i thought you got over that in high school (taking a sip on the coffee)

yamada: (answering the phone, keeping eye contact with shirakumo) hey, shouta, what’s up?

shirakumo: (spits out coffee)

—- made this a comic on tumblr

damn this post is longer than i expected

whelp, i hope you liked it

#answered ask #bnha #bnha meta #bnha au #au ideas #bnha au ideas #free ideas #come along kids get ur free au ideas #dad for one au #haikyuu au #momojirou #inko x mitsuki #i will go down with this ship #there's a lot of dadzawa here as well #dadzawa

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imlovethomassanders · 6 years ago

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All names the Sides and Thomas have called each other (As of “Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

I rewatched the whole series to make this list (I mean I was going to anyways...)((I might’ve missed some okay but this is definitely most of them))

Logan

Teach (from Patton and Thomas in “The MIND vs. The HEART�� and Patton again in “Am I ORIGINAL”)

Teacher Dude (from Thomas in “The MIND vs. The HEART”)

Kiddo (from Patton on multiple occasions)

Mr. Gloomy-Gus Teacher (from Patton in “Growing Up”)

Pocket Protector (from Virgil in “Growing Up”)

Nerd (from Roman in “Making Some Changes” and “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning” and again in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness) )

Calculator Watch (from Roman in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 2/2″)

Erlenmeyer Trash (from Roman in “Fitting In”)

My hero (from Patton in “Fitting In”)

Specs (from Roman in “MOVING ON, PART 1/2″)

Sub-astute teacher (from Roman in “MOVING ON, PART 1/2″)

Buddy (from Roman in “MOVING ON, PART 2/2″ and “Can LYING Be Good” and also from Virgil in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Microsoft Nerd (from Roman in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Microsoft Turd (from Roman in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Drama Turd (from Roman in “Can LYING Be Good”)

Pat (from Roman when he mixed the two together in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Mr. Smartypants (from Roman in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Geed Squad/Squadless Geek (from Roman in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Pain in the Nexus Instruments (from Roman in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Dad (from Roman in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Egghead (from Roman in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Daddy (by Patton in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

No Funsen Honeydew...Doo (from Roman in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

L (from Virgil in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Iron Giant nerd (from Roman in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Stinky poo-poo side (real mature) (from Deceit in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

The tardy teacher (from Virgil in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

Dork/whale penis (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Nerdy Wolverine (from Remus and Roman in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Roman

Prince Dude (from Thomas in “Taking on ANXIETY”)

Princey (from all of them multiple times. It’s basically his name.)

Sir Sing-A-Lot (from Virgil in “Losing My Motivation”)

Sir Sing-A-Long (himself in Losing My Motivation” (he misspoke Virgil’s nickname))

Kiddo (from Patton on multiple occasions)

Prince Underarm Stink (from Virgil in “Am I ORIGINAL”)

Slugger (from Patton in “Am I ORIGINAL”)

Half-wit (from Logan in “Making Some Changes”)

Meta Knight (from Virgil in “Making Some Changes”)

Romano (from Virgil in “MOVING ON, Part 1/2″)

You malodorous scent-urion (from Logan in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Mr. Doodooface McGee (from Thomas to Roman playing Joan/Thomas’s boss in “Can LYING Be Good”)

Little Bratty Baby (from Logan in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Prep (from Logan in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Bud (from Thomas in “Crofters - The MUSICAL” and “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Daddy (by Patton in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Dr. Do-The-Most (from Virgil in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Your Honor (in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

The One and Lonely (from himself in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)(bby no)

The first most handsome prince in the world (from Patton in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness”)

Knucklehead (from Patton in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness”)

Brave, Handsome, Unbeatable (from Patton in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

The Prince (from Thomas in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Cain (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Roman lettuce (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Doofus (from Virgil in “Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

Patton

Dad Guy (from Thomas in “The MIND vs. The HEART”)

Daddy (heh) (From Logan in “Losing My Motivation”)

Newsie-Hipster-Theatre Geek-Mark from Rent (from Roman in “Losing My Motivation”)

Pouty McSpecs (from Roman in “Sanders Sides Q&A”)

Cardigan-Clad-Clod (from Logan in “My NEGATIVE Thinking”

Softest Little Puffball (from Roman in “Fitting In”)

Padre (from Roman in “Fitting In”)

Happy-Pappy-Patton (given to himself in “MOVING ON, PART 2/2″)

Papa (from Thomas in “Can LYING Be Good”)

Buddy (from Thomas to Deceit disguised as Patton in “Can LYING Be Good” and then again this time to actual Patton in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

Popstar (from Virgil in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

JJ (from Roman in “EMBARRASSING PHASES”)

Dad (from Roman in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

Sssssssuck up (from Deceit in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

Honey (from Deceit in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness”)

Pleeb (from Roman in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

The Mayor of Much-kin Land (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Such a dad (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Bud (from Thomas in ”Putting Others First”)

Lilypadton (from when he turns into a frog in “Putting Others First”)

Little guy... or Big Frog (from Janus in “Putting Others First”)

Rosy-Cheeked Ribbeter (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Virgil

Emo Nightmare (from Roman in “A New Year of Lying to Myself...”)

Hot Topic (from Roman in “Alone on VALENTINE’S DAY”)

Big Guy (from Patton in “Losing My Motivation”)

Sunshine (from Roman in “Losing My Motivation”)

Kiddo (from Patton on multiple occasions)

My Chemically Imbalanced Romance (from Roman in “Am I ORIGINAL”)

Negative Nancy (from Roman in “Am I ORIGINAL”)

Jason Toddler (from Roman in “Am I ORIGINAL”)

Jerky McJerkface (from Roman in “Am I ORIGINAL”)

Surly Temple (from Roman in “Growing Up”)

JD-lightful (from Roman in “Making Some Change”)

Dr. Gloom (from Roman in “Becoming a CARTOON”)

Marilyn Morose (from Roman in “Becoming a CARTOON”)

Fairest of them all (from Roman in “Becoming a CARTOON”)

Count Woe-laf (from Roman in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 1/2″)

Gloomy Goober (from Patton in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 1/2″)

My Dark Strange Son (from Patton in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 2/2″)

Poor little anxious baby (from Patton in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 2/2″)

Brad Pitiful (from Roman in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 2/2″)

Worry wart (from Thomas in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 2/2″)

Virge (given by himself in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 2/2″ and repeated by Thomas a few times, and called that by Roman in Flirting with Social Anxiety)

Friendo (from Roman in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 2/2″)

Panic! At the Everywhere (from Roman in “Fitting In”)

Sweet and Sour misunderstood Shadowling (from Patton in “Fitting In”)

My child (from Patton in “Fitting In” and “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Jack Smellington (from Roman in “MOVING ON, Part 1/2″)

My boy (from Patton in “MOVING ON, PART 2/2″)

Incredible Sulk (from Roman in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Charlie Frown (from Roman in “Can LYING Be Good”)

Buddy (from Deceit disguised as Patton in Can LYING Be Good”)

Shadowy but angelic songbird (from Patton in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Vomedy Central (from Roman in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Cute lil’ muffin (from Patton in “Learning New Things About Ourselves”)

Bud (from Thomas in “EMBARRASSING PHASES”)

Bat-winged cherub (from Patton in “EMBARRASSING PHASES”)

Bad boy (from Patton in in “EMBARRASSING PHASES”)

Trifling ass-sailant of my emotions (from Thomas in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness”)

One Angry Man (from Deceit in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness”)

Pleeb (from Roman in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

The Purp Man (from Thomas in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Tickle Me Emo (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Tiger (from Roman in “Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

Gerard Gay (from Roman in Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

Captain Blunderpants (this may have been directed at Thomas? not completely sure. from Roman in “Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

Bird Brain (from Roman in “Flirting with Social Anxiety)

Emo (from Roman in “Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

Deceit Janus

Jack the Fibber (from Roman in “Can LYING Be Good”)

Slippery snake (from Thomas in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Slimy boy (from Thomas in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Harvey Dense (from Virgil in “EMBARRASSING PHASES”)

Dr. Trick-le and Mr. Lies (from Roman in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

A snake (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Scute-bellied Tyrant (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Reptilian Rapscallion (from Roman in ‘Putting Others First”)

Reptilian with scallions (from Patton in “Putting Others First”)

Subterfuge Specialist (from himself in “Putting Others First”)

Lord of the Lies (from himself in “Putting Others First”)

The actual snake on the plane (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

This morality-fighting snake on this metaphorical plane (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Faux-gan (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Snake (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Banana-conda (from Roman in “Putting Others First”)

Evil snake boy (from Thomas in “Putting Others First”)

Just a snake boy >:3 (from himself in “Putting Others First”)

Thomas

Tony (from Patton in “My True Identity”)

Kid (from Virgil in “Taking on ANXIETY”)

Son (from Patton in ‘The MIND vs. The HEART”)

Kiddo (from Patton on multiple occasions)

Our Little Guy (from Patton in “The MIND vs. The HEART”)

Darude Sanderstorm (from Joan in “Growing Up”)

Mr. Sanders (in “Growing Up”)

Mr. T (from Roman in “ACCEPTING ANXIETY, PART 1/2″)

Tom (from Roman in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Thomathy (from Patton in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Tommy Salami (from Roman in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Tomalomadingdong (from Patton in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Thomas the Dank Engine (from Roman in “12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

Thomas Slamders (from Roman/Joan/Thomas’s boss in “Can LYING Be Good”)

Great man baby (from Roman in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning”)

Sweetie (from Deceit in “Selfishness vs. Selflessness)

Pleeb (from Roman in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Dude (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Prude (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

B*tch (from Remus in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Dr. Seuss (from Remus in Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Grandpa (from Roman in “Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

Sanders (from Virgil in “Flirting with Social Anxiety”)

The Duke/Remus

Bro (maybe? I can’t tell if Roman is singing bro or whoa in his bit in the song. From “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Your creativity (from himself in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Potty-mouth (from Patton in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Roman’s twin (from Logan in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

The unloved brother from the Genesis (from himself in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Abel (from himself in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

You bastard (from Virgil in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

Dukey (from Thomas and Roman in “Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS”)

#thomas sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #deceit sanders #for later #remus sanders #ts spoilers

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thepaperpanda · 6 years ago

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Lights Out || Poe Dameron x Reader One Shot || (High School AU)

Summary: You're girlfriend of Poe Dameron. He fools you that he needs some help with learning. Soon, it turns out that he lied only to spend some time with you. How the things will end?

Warnings: none

Words: 2020

Author: Cass

A/N: This fic was written for @justsomewritingprompts ‘ s writing challenge. I had: Scenarios: 15 Study Date || Quote: 14. “Sweetheart, I cannot even begin to tell you how much you mean to me” || items: 11. Candles

"Finally." You muttered to yourself as you heard knocking on the door. Poe was supposed to be here half an hour ago to study with you but somehow he was late this time.

You quickly jogged to the door and opened them with a smile on your lips. It was no one else but Poe indeed, but you blinked surprised when you saw a puppy in his arms. "What BB is doing here...?" You asked and looked at your boyfriend.

With a huge grin on his lips, Poe leant towards you to place a little kiss to your cheek. "I didn't know when I'll be back, so I took him with me. I didn't want him to sit in my room alone, you know," he explained clearly, smile never left his face. "So, you're ready? Because I am," he laughed shortly, entering your room and putting corgi down on the floor. "Where we will start? Do you have some plans?"

You giggled when puppy ran to you, you gently pet its head and looked at Poe. "I told you yesterday that I will be ready, and you have to tell me what's your problem," you reminded him as you sat on your bed, puppy immediately joined you. "So? What subject gives great Poe Dameron such a big trouble that he needs his girlfriend to help him?” You asked, looking at him.

"Trigonometry," he said simply, spreading his arms in helplessness. "It's about trigonometry, Y/N."

Young man approched your bed and took a seat next to you. He petted his puppy, sighing. "If you won't help me, I'll fail last exam. And it'll mean I won't get scholarship for next semester," he explained simply.

You blinked even more surprised than moment ago when you saw BB. "Uhm, really? I have seen you during the classes, it didn't look like you have a problem with trigonometry but okay. I am sure you know the best what kind of help you need. I will go get my books."

After a short moment, you returned to him with two thick handbooks. "Okay, this should be an enough help for you. You should be happy that my parents and brother are away, we will have peace and quiet to learn," you summed up, sitting back on your previous place.

Poe took books from you and opened one of them lazily. He read one of the pages for a little while, then looked back at you. "Okay. But please, explain me how shall I be solving this quadratic equation, hmm?" Poe asked.

You picked up a big notebook that you were always using during the classes. "Okay, so come closer and I will try my best to explain you everything, and next time pay more attention during classes, don't goof around with your pals, okay?" You kissed his cheek with a smile. "Okay, let's start."

Then you started to explaining him every little detail in every step of solving the mathematical problem that he should make. You enjoyed this, not only a fact that you were helping him but also the fact that he was so close. His chest pressed against your back and his head on your shoulder made you feel relaxed and calm.

Poe was pretending that he was listening to your words. Truth was, however, that after a short while he started falling asleep. He felt this blackness came over him. Like a blanket, but not a blanket of warmth but a blanket of coldness making Poe shiver slightly. But somehow it's making his eyes felt heavier and heavier. He finally closed his eyes, nuzzling more to your shoulder, his arm wrapped around your waist.

You were deep in your thoughts, explaining him everything. You really wanted to help him, because he was your boyfriend. "... then you need to move this here, and sum this numbers here, and you will get what you need, do you understand?"

You waited for a little but received no answer. "Poe?" You looked on your shoulder with a corner of your eye, and couldn't believe the view. "Poe Dameron, are you serious right now?!" You raised your voice, growling slightly at the young man.

The anger was building in you, how could he be sleeping when you were trying to help him?!

Poe opened his eyes lazily, yawning. "What? Uhm, no, no, I meant yes, sum stuff," he mumbled and kissed your cheek. "To be honest, I know what are you talking about. Truth is," he yawned again and got up, rubbing his temple, "I am good at math. I don't need any help. I've came here because we spend not enough time together lately, and I miss you, Y/N," Poe explained openly.

You looked at him and couldn't believe his words. It was truth that you were focused on your own stuff, you only had some time for each other during breaks between classes but still, this really got onto your nerves.

"Poe, I understand but..." You raised your voice again but suddenly were cut off by darkness.

The whole house went dark. "Oh, for God's sake," you rolled your eyes.

"Lights out again, huh?" Poe giggled. "Do you have candles? We can lit them up."

You let out a deep sigh. "Yes, dad said he fixed this," you muttered and pulled out your phone to turn on the flashlight. "I think that mom put all candles in one of the cabinets in the hallway, we just need to look for them, because I am not sure in which one they're set."

You got up from bed and walked to the door, you opened them and entered the hall.

You started to roam through cabinets as soon as you got to them. "If you find any candles, please, don't touch the black ones. Ben has some freaking seventh sense and he even knows when someone dared to touch his precious stuff." you muttered.

"Your brother is emo, isn't he? Sometimes he reminds me about that young boy, the vocalist of that German band, Tokio Hotel. But fortunately, Ben doesn't wear make-up. Yet... Or am I wrong?" Poe peeked into one of the cabinets and clapped his hands. "Got 'em, Y/N!"

You laughed loudly and shrugged. "Maybe a little bit, it's hard to tell who he truly is. Mom says it's just a phase but it's weird. Makeup... Well. I don't know anything about this.. But once I found my eyeliner in his room. Let's hope it won't get worst."

You kissed his cheek and smiled. "Take them to the living room and I will go to find a lighter and maybe something to eat for BB and us," you said, and then walked to the kitchen.

"Lighter isn't needed, I got one in my pocket, you know that I am into cigarettes," Poe lit three candles, placing them into candlestick, he put it on the counter of your desk. "BB and I would be happy if you would share that delicious turkey your mom has made on Sunday!"

You rolled your eyes and shook your head. "Okay, I will see if we have leftovers," you answered.

After a few minutes, you came back with a two big plates and one smaller. "Here, something for us and something for your little buddy," you said after putting plates on their places.

You sat on the couch next to Poe. "I guess I need to wait until tomorrow. Dad will have to fix the light again, or mom will just call a specialist," you giggled and started to eat.

Poe did too, but he also put little plate on the floor, so BB could have eaten, too. "You ain't mad at me?" He asked.

"To be honest, I am a bit mad. I really thought you are in trouble when it comes to school, I was worried. You could have simply told me that you wanna hang out, you know I would gladly accept it," you looked at him. "It wasn't a nice thing to trick me like this. Don't do this again," you warned him and looked down at the puppy. "It's getting late," you noticed.

"It is, apparently. Was it a slight attempt to get rid of me and BB?" Poe laughed warmly. "Don't worry, we'll head back home soon. You still have to review the material for test."

"I already did that, Poe. You said we don't spend much time together, and it's weekend. You think your dad would be mad if you would stay with me? I am slightly afraid of the darkness, I don't want to be alone and we could spend some time together," you offered softly, looking at him.

"I will call him, soon. Don't worry. I guess he won't have anything against that idea."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the darkness your cuddles were feeling like a little touch of heaven, warm, together, cozy.

Poe wished he could extend the night just so he could stay close to you for longer, safe in your embrace.

Your arms were wrapped right around him, bringing a peace he's never known before, a calming of the storms in young man's heart. He knew it's you that was giving him hope for the future. In your embrace, Poe started to believe that there was nothing out there to fear. "I love that little moments when we're together. No one else counts but we. Priceless," Peo hummed lazily into your ear.

You purred quietly and smiled. "I know, sweetie. I am so sorry if you ever thought that I neglect you or something like this," you said and kissed his jawline, then put the head to his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

Poe was a blessing, you couldn't ask for more. He was always there when you needed him, and even when you didn't, and maybe especially then. You were so deeply in love with him.

"I love you, Y/N," Poe whispered into your ear. "Sweetheart, I cannot even begin to tell you how much you mean to me." he added.

His fingers were tangled in your hair as he kissed your temple. "You're my everything."

You hummed quietly at his words. "I love you too, Poe. You are my world," you said before kissing him softly on the lips.

Rest of the evening went rather quickly. You snuggled with Poe under a soft, warm blanket. Soon, both of you fell asleep in each others' arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You woke up next morning to the view of your brother's face right above your own.

"For God's sake, Ben! Do you want me to die on heart attack?!" You growled at him.

"Mom! He is here again! Why is he in my house again?!" Ben yelled, and you in the meantime gently touched Poe's cheek in an attempt to wake him up.

"First of all, it's not only your house. Second, good morning sweetheart, and hi, Poe," Leia said with a kind smile as she stepped into living room.

Poe got up quickly, stretching his shirt. "Morning, ma'am. I am sorry, we've learnt for a long hours, I happened to fall asleep, so Y/N decided to let me stay."

"Hi mom," you muttered and nuzzled to Poe's shoulder.

"I bet you two got laid," Ben said with a smile.

You facepalmed and shook your head. "No, I was helping him with math, it took us long, plus light went off again and I didn't want to sit alone," you grunted, rolling your eyes.

"Oh, that's so sweet of you, Y/N. You see? I told you we should have called professionals," Leia said, turning to Han. He only rolled his eyes. "Now I will make breakfast for three of you." Your mother added looking back at you.

You smiled and nodded. "Sounds perfect, right sweetie?" You looked at Poe. "Oh, by the way. Good morning," then you kissed his cheek and skipped to the kitchen.

Ben frowned looking at Poe. "I hate you."

"Get used to me better," Poe chuckled slightly. "Maybe one day in the future you'll be my brother-in-law," Dameron wiggled his brow and followed you. "Y/N, wait for me!"

#justsomewritingprompts writing challenge #justsomewritingpromptswritingchallenge #Poe dameron x reader #Poe dameron x you #Poe dameron #Poe dameron fic #Poe dameron fanfic #Poe dameron oneshot #high school au #Sw oneshot #Star wars fanfic #Sw fic #Star wars fic #Star wars au

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2dtacokit-blog · 7 years ago

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oh jeez. Coming Back and I guess, Coming Out?

Well it has been over a few years I think since I was last on here and boy has things changed, myself included. I wasn’t planning on coming back on here as it was a horrendous triggering mess, couldn’t stand the bitchiness and toddlers... But my best buddy dragged my sorry ass back. My blog was an unmitigated disaster, I cringed for the longest time and was furious with myself. Mass deleting spree. It’s a long old read, maybe the longest post in the entire universe, but I cannot put this concisely. If you make it to the end, I thank you for witnessing this.

TW for CSA, SA, R, Su, Si. Just tread carefully. Crude, explicit and uncensored.

If you know me in real life, please please do not reveal this information.

Some things are the same, still parenting, still confused, still in therapy, still fighting the same old demons but a lot has changed. I have grown up for a start, wizened up a bit, got some of my shit together and I am now single. I gave two fingers up to the NHS mental health service after the complete closure of therapeutic services in my area and sought private medical care. I am in private analytic psychotherapy weekly, getting to know myselves. I have now been formally/clinically diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which has been a tough nut to get my teeth around. An old me, unsure who, used to write about it on here with complete assurance that it was the case and I didn’t recognise that attitude when I came back on. I will now be a lot more cautious with what I write with relation to my mental health because it puts me at great risk. I do not want the whole perimeter for my existence to be based on my mental health anymore... Even though it still governs my existence.

So yes, we are a “system” working towards consolidation of trauma and experiences in therapy and with private specialists, but we are primarily Aly.

Another biggie to cover, and this will be the first place other than the survivors forum I will post this on, is that I am having serious issues with gender dysphoria. Now this is gonna sound very strange, for most that have known me I have seemed someone who sexualized their female body continually, putting it on display and clinging to it. Well... It came as a shock to me as to anyone I haven’t already come out to (literally 5 people I know in real life?). I will do what I can to explain and make sense of what is an ongoing discovery with my therapist.

Trauma fucks with people in many ways. Sexual and psychological trauma is an insidious beast that disguises themselves in many forms. Now as I have already covered, I have DID. A condition caused by having to adapt to survive severe and repeated complex trauma in childhood. I still have not much of an idea what that is but other me’s do. That is neither here or there for now, that is my business, but what it does is erase chunks of my memory of things I have been unable to process/deal with.

As a kid, I was abnormal to say the least. A large chunk of that was due to trauma, switching continually and just casually failing my way through anything other than academics. One thing I didn’t understand was how the heck I couldn’t connect to the girls around me. I didn’t understand them, couldn’t get my head around how they worked or how they looked. I was tall, scrawny, long haired boyish thing that was torn between doing what they loved (getting muddy, trashing shit, buying the most ridiculous jeans you can imagine, pummelling people in rugby, pummelling people in the playground ((not proud of it)), studying, hanging out with boys, being silly) and who I felt I should be (cute, girly, into pink, dancers, sweet, gentle).

That conflict tore my little primary school brain apart. What used to happen at home is a mystery but school was agony. I would go in a dishevelled mess and was a freak, as all and sundry used to make clear. Girls didn’t want me as their friend because I wasn’t like them, and my attempts to emulate them came across desperate, copycat, attention seeking behaviour. But dammit I still tried. Tried the pink, tried the cute stuff, but they were my sisters stuff... Not for me. I loved them but they didn’t look right on me, made me feel worse. My younger sister was an alien to me; a proper real life girl and that highlighted my freakishness. I was being rejected by everyone. Experiencing massive emotional and physical neglect at home, bullied at school, turned away by counsellors and tutors, ofc rejected by the boys and girls I fancied.

ENTER FROM THE LEFT MY MAGICALLY SHIT DISSOCIATIVE POWERS.

I had a few angry boy personalities about by this time, I didn’t know they were boys until like September last year. I had a mass emergence of parts, all male, that stored these memories like time capsules. Memories I had forgotten due to my dissociative amnesia. Anyway, similarly to how these parts formed and were there early, so came a female personality. One that could preform girl where the rest of us couldn’t. Not very well at this stage, she was a young girl, but she dutifully tried to copy the girls we grew up around. Camouflaging what I guess was early stage dysphoria from myself and those around me. This part felt terror at appearing anything like a boy, because looking like a boy when we should be a girl would get us bullied and rejected again. And we were alone enough.

Around this time, I think between 9-11, I was visibly changing a lot in photos. Sometimes I would be incredibly tomboyish, othertimes... painfully... a mismatched attempt at what we felt a girl should be. Combine that with the elusive sexual abuse we aren’t clear of yet, we prioritised being sexually attractive over all else. Boys liked girls that had tits. Boys liked girls that liked their tits. My family liked girls that were girls, and tits were a thing girls had, make up were what girls wore. Girls liked girls that looked like girls, and were jealous of girls who looked sexy. Well that is who we will be, couldn’t be cute, so let’s be sexy instead. I wore miniskirts that were obscene, tank tops saying “sexy kitty” on it, and stuffed my croptop to make sure my tiny prepubescent body looked that little bit more adult. That didn’t go how we wanted it to. We looked more like a freak than ever because parts were still clinging desperately to their boyhood, and we looked like a clusterfuck to be honest. A sad one though. Desperately sad and my heart breaks to look back at that confused person in the photos.To be clear though, we were not at this point attaching any of this to gender, boyhood wasn't at this point me saying “LOOK I AM A BOY” but kinda what we really were without connecting the word boy to it. I wasn’t afforded an opinion of my own at this age, raised in the church, within a violent and abusive household in literally one of the whitest, hetero-normative, conservative towns in the UK erases ones ability to discover themselves.

In a final act of madness to solidify that i was a normal girl we went to an all girls school.

Mistake.

Before we even got to that dam school we watched The Matrix. For the first time we saw someone that looked like a girl but also looked like a boy. We were mystified. We bypassed Trinity, she was a she and we didn’t connect at all, but the blonde one (who died very early on) has short boyish spiky hair. So we took our smol ass to the hairdressers and insisted we got our past shoulder length hair cut completely off. That did not go the way we planned. We looked older, looked somehow more like a freak girl/boy thing, and it was horrifying. We also looked like our mum, which was another problem related to the abuse stuff. We cried for ages because we felt like a freak, didn’t understand why we did it, couldn’t change it and we were about to start at the new, All Girls Grammar school. Shit.

The first two years at that school was hell. My mum finally kicked my dad out, but we were still having to see him weekly. I was at this point dissociating all the time. I would have three loads of school stuff with me all the time, for reasons i couldn’t understand. I didn’t understand why the other girls had one pencil case when I had 3, had to have 3! How in the heck did these girls carry their stuff not in a bag or a giant tray like I had to?! Well I was catering to the parts that were present without knowing it. Either way I was bait man, freaking bait.

Skinny, tall, covered head to toe in excoriation marks, short tufty hair, looked like a boy, but so desperate to fit in I wore my dam mums make up. I got lost all the time, was crying all the time or having fits where i would smash stuff, steal things, yell for no reason or be very sexually overt. I was torn apart. A website was set up by my old so called friends called The Aly Fan Club, where they took photos of me around school, uploaded them to the net and commented on them, with people (usually men) commenting what they wanted to do to me. I took all this in silence because when i got home, my amnesia would wipe that shit clean from my brain for ages. From one hell to another.

Coming out as what I thought was gay at this time was another huge problem, like any emo nerd I drew all this trash and put it on dA. In no time at all, most of the school knew I liked girls and there was now something NEW to bully me for. I tried to see this as punishment for my bullying behaviour in primary school to justify it but there was no justification. So much at this point was about punishment.

Punishment for being a freak, for being a loser, for not being like anyone else in this entire dam school. Punishment for looking so gross, for wanting these awful, naughty things, for liking the wrong people, for drawing how i felt... I needed to be punished. So I let it continue. I was an awful person and i needed to be punished.

But here is a thing. Breasts. When mine came in they came in suddenly. It felt like all my prayers had been answered and my ticket to being a girl like all these other girls had been called. I was One Of Them. I hated my body so much because of the hatred I got from others and my own discomfort that when these babies came in I adored them. Not what I anticipate anyone expects to here from someone suspecting they are a trans guy? “if you were truly dysphoric you would have hated them, that would have made it worse!” well for most cases probably. What these fatty parts gave me was attention, which i had been starved from in almost all aspects of my life, family included. What’s more, this attention was positive. I had never experienced such a thing for my body before that wasn’t... locked in another trauma pocket.

For someone who was ready to kill themselves at age 12 because they were such an unforgivable, wretched, disgusting, freak, that wasn't even a girl, that couldn't stop biting themselves till they bled... The power my newly sexualised and definitely female body gave me was sorely needed. People fancied me now. They wanted to touch me rather than just hit me, or throw things at me. They wanted to pull me not swear at me or spit at me. Survival Aly adapts, it is what we do, so we adapted. But things were still not right. Self harm was a massive problem, so were suicide attempts because we were still... not quite there yet. We ventured online a lot, where older men from across the world would ask for photos, videos and meets. I had no idea this was sexual grooming, but we were also dependant on that to survive. Somehow though, the impact of that, some bullying that was still happening, my everpresent self hatred, confusion and discomfort and increase in abuse in the home led us to attempt suicide in the school toilet when i was 14.

We tried to cut our neck open this time.

A teacher found us and dragged us to student services. My mum as usual was angry as heck and embarrassed. Apologising for my behaviour and the inconvenience. My dad was cloying like molasses creeping into my head. I remember because i bled all over the blouse of Ms Ginsberg, a tutor i fancied since forever. It wasn’t that severe, it was considered a superficial wound, but the amount we were doing and the continual attempts were serious cause for concern. Then my step mom found photos of me being sexually active at 14 and before, my mom found a load of the video files for the other men and I was hospitalised. Something miraculous occurred during this time though, another part came out. One that was confident and proudly female, one that was overtly sexualised but more cunning. She was a chav, an incredible cheemo (idk if anyone remembers this fashion disaster movement thing). She could adapt and fit in to any social situation and essentially helped us waltz out of hospital with no memory of being there for years.

All memory of confused tomboy/greyspace/whatever the fuck i was me was gone. This me didn’t give a dam and was in it for themselves and to survive, to be adored. And sex was their weapon, they just had to be cunning about it. By this point I was 15 and didn’t really think more about what I was. We were screwing guys now, guys and girls, thought this was something to be proud of. Dismissed the old small group of friends i had for the guys that hung around at the park and girls that used to go out and get drunk. We took naked photos of ourselves and put them online, and paraded ourselves around scantily clad because it made us feel powerful and loved.

At 16 i was raped. I was again at 17 twice, and this pattern continued beyond being hospitalised for the second time at 20 (the worst 21st birthday ever), beyond getting pregnant which was also conceived through rape. I had been sexually abused and raped a lot during this time, but my dissociative amnesia would wipe the memory. So I would know something bad was happening but was denied processing it by my inbuilt survival mechanisms that kept me alive as a kid. I was unable to get out of the loop or register any danger because the switching would be so automatic, so ingrained, it basically was not up to me to get us out of the situation because another part was there in brace position having dissociated fully. All during this time I preformed female because it was necessary. I didn't have room to question my gender because i was too busy surviving and trying to literally not die.

Then the pregnancy. I cant relive any of this trauma stuff too much, that isn't the point of this post but during this time, my gender was more apparent than ever before. Drawings we used to do of parts that had male appendages but still looked female started to change. Become more male. The internal distress was so monumental for many reasons; rape pregnancy, the gen father not leaving us alone, fear of my dad, still loosing my mind, desperately trying to be loved my my partner at the time. But there was another distress there.

I cant be a mum. Women become mums. I cant hold this child in me. This shouldn't be there.

Everyone was hammering home how much of a glowing woman I was and each time they said it I wanted to die. I tortured my body, got others to torture it too. Despised it, loathed it. It wasn't right to any of my parts. Three parts got us through that pregnancy but we dont know who gave birth. I dont remember it. We destroyed almost every pregnant photo of us. What were we disgusted by aside from the feeling of being broken, used and bred? How undeniably, unquestionably female we were.

Even so things were happening inside my head and body that made us feel insane. We started feeling like we had a penis, like felt like we could touch it, could feel stimulated by holding an appendage there (tmi i know). We tried in secret without thinking about it, moving our breasts up, down, flat, out of the way (fairly impossible by this point i was a lactating G cup *vomits*). We had glimmers of feeling male... which... felt good. First time we pegged we cried in the toilet with the door locked because it felt real, felt right though we couldn't explain it. So we were too scared to do it again, tried to force feminise ourselves again because that is WHO WE SHOULD BE. I mean look? I have a kid now, i am “mom”. Stopped drawing these mysterious genderconfused parts and forcefully only drew accurately what our body was. Which was agony.

Until September 2017.

Ploughing through therapy, maturing, making milestones in recovery when we started to talk about childhood trauma, my dad, the first and only time i drew myself fully as a man for my friend, and BAM! Bam! is not overrated it was literally a Bam! moment, because the part emergence I mentioned earlier occurred. And with these male parts came the bloody nail bat of gender dysphoria hitting me in the head over and over till I self harmed for the first time in years. The male parts were terrified and disoriented at first, they had a lot of growing up and catching up to do, some more so than others. They remembered being 15, 13, 10. Remembered the first pegging experience, remembered... things we had no connection to. Now they are mostly my age, helping each other to mature and grow as needed due to being a parent.

The first used to cry and scream in the mirror, punching walls because the body was wrong. Attacking our breasts like i had done subconsciously for years but this time, because they knew their breasts were wrong. They drew themselves over and over to solidify their gender identity when all else was screaming they were female. We pulled away from our partner, couldn't be touched, couldn't be interacted with because it would be a reminder of our gender. We flinched at being called a woman, a girl, female, and with that came memories of feeling like that as a kid. Fuck me, we were dysphoric as a kid. The first proper realisation.

Up until this point we had NO idea we had ever experienced gender dysphoria. But this is how DID works. It erases traumatic information and stores it in the parts that dealt with it. When the parts properly emerge, this information is leaked out over time. So great. Dysphoria.

Another part came out to implement what I am now starting to think is their cure for this, to ultimately feminise us. Because we needed to be female. Erase the dysphoria and with it that other male part. Nothing feminises me quicker than one of my most terrifying abusers. So guess what bellend got back in contact and re-traumatised the system, this one *points to self in dismay*. Long story short, shit went down, not un consensual shit as before but still shit. That part would routinely draw the male part being hurt by this guy over and over again till they freaked out.

But wait! The hellscape is not over. From stage right we have another destructive part, hyper-masculine, angry and unempathetic. Grateful to him because his presence pulled us away from that guy (he viewed him as pathetic and beneath him), but now we are just... drinking. Getting wasted in the park, hitting things, smoking up at night again. My specialist had told me to get to know these parts as they are vital for my recovery so we drew what they needed us to draw and goddam these guys are hurt. These are protective parts. They took the shit we couldn’t. And this one, swearing at my partner, exploding all over the place, trying to run away, self harming, kicking the shit out of the wheely bin outside survives threat of physical violence. The one that went to my old abuser survives some of the more extreme sexual violence and torture and the first male part deals with psychological abuse. I can see it in their drawings, their confessions and in our therapy sessions. We have other parts but they dont want to be discussed.

All of these parts are heavily dysphoric because they are all male. Unquestionably so. Their rage at this body is because it isn’t the right one. So where do I come into it, me being the primary/fronting part, or leader of the twisted UN committee that is my brain? That has taken longer to figure out, and has been a more agonising journey.

I am dysphoric too.

I cannot erase now i have them, the memories of my childhood spent dysphoric. The memories of trying at any cost to be a girl. Which shouldn’t be hard considering genetically I am one. I have had to fight within myself my transphobia i didn't even know was present. We aren’t talking bigotry here, but the genuine terror that i could be transgender. When most of the make up of who I am, and my survival to this day has been formulated by trying to accepted, loved, normal (though i failed at that horribly), not rejected and safe from physical, sexual and psychological abuse... Coming to terms with the fact you are transgender is not a comfortable thought. Not one I welcomed, and one that terrified us.

The fear of being transgender was so great it made us sick, sent us into crisis, started us self harming again. Trying everything we can to not be transgender because I have been through enough and survival brain is screaming as loud as it can that this will cause serious problems. But we couldn’t. Cant draw myself as a girl at all without wanting to cry or wretch. Cant wear girls clothes because i feel like i am crossdressing?! Cant wear bras, cant do feminine make up, cant do anything I used to do to be accepted anymore. Cant be a girlfriend anymore.

We started without realising it trying to make ourselves masculine. We would zone out and be drawing on facial hair with eyebrow pencil, tried using vetwrap to bind my chest, do not do this, it bruised us for days. We bought a mans top and a guys jeans and we lived in them exclusively unless family was over. We started wearing boxers, packing (though going to the loo and watching a dam sock fall out your pants makes your dysphoria worse and left us feeling humiliated so stopped doing this). I started drawing me not my parts but me and that me was always always male unless we were trying to force ourselves to draw a female us.

We reached out eventually to my best friend Ruth, and they encouraged us to get a binder. This provoked fear again. Self harm, self medicating, the usual destructive bs. But now the distress levels were triggering depersonalisation and derealisation; both symptoms of DID survival patterns. We stopped being able to recognise ourselves in mirrors because the damn amnesia was wiping it in an instant. My hands would feel male then flick to female, my body was glitching continually and I tried to get out of buying a binder by talking about my “genuine transgender friends” saying how I couldn't be trans because of their experience, that I am so obviously taking the piss, that I cannot be trans this must all be trauma. But Ruth stuck with me, as did a few other people, and still pushed for me to get a binder just to see how it felt.

I did and when it arrived and i tried it on the reaction was... well... overwhelming. Much like looking in the mirror seeing what is a very female face with a drawn on beard, i was looking at a body i hated being crammed into something that kinda hurt to put on, and making me look like i had a deformed ribcage. I cried. I dont know what i expected in that moment. Maybe that all the dysphoria will go away and it would be fixed and that would be that. All okay. But no. I felt sad that I was punishing my body for not being right, angry at myself for not being able to just be a dam woman. I MADE A BABY WITH MY BODY THIS SHIT SHOULD BE EASY.

Standing in a mirror, with a binder on, boxers on and socks stuffed in them trying my best to look like a man, I felt like a freak.

But then i put a shirt on. And holy heck i could see my feet. I was small, the first time i have ever looked at myself and seen a small body rather than something deformed that i see when i see my breasts. I looked smart, I looked beautiful in that shirt. The tears were still rolling down my dam cheeks, and i was a snotty wreck but I for the first time in 4-5 years I also didn't feel rage at being fat. Because I wasn't fat, not in the slightest. Standing there in shirt and boxers with flat chest, masc make up on, i looked like a guy... just about. And i smiled. I smiled so much.

I urgently facetimed Ruth and was like “come see how good I look” something I hadn’t genuinely felt in a very long time unless a man thought I was sexy. But here, in my tip of a room, almost dancing on cam for my best friend, showing her how i could bend over and no udders were just dangling there, how i could type and see my hands move... I looked at myself and felt good. I didn't care if anyone else thought i looked good because I felt on top of the world

This was my first introduction to gender euphoria, that wasn’t related to some obscure masturbatory habits and pegging. That feeling made things liveable for a while. I wanted to chase that feeling because it felt incredible. I was working out before but now I did it to not get thin, to not starve myself but to love myself. I started taking weight training seriously, and whilst the gym was a trigger for my dysphoria (room full of massive dudes who all see you and talk to you as a girl in your skimpy ass gym kit will do that to you) I pushed on. My shoulders are getting broader now, muscle definition starting and i love each of these changes. I eat more than I ever have done but I eat healthily because this male me, this real me that i seem to love I want to treasure, look after and care for.

I am not gonna wear baggy clothes and cut my hair off to look like a passable cis guy because that feels like punishment, and I have done that enough in my life and been punished by people in ways that have left me unable to walk and bleeding. I want to see my body when i work out because i love seeing the muscle definition, I wince at my breasts but try to imagine it being different. I love my long floppy hair, and I am not gonna change that because men with long hair are stunning. People talk about “the cut”, and I get the feeling of shame that i must be making this all up because i dont want to cut my hair off, but I am not a boy, I am almost 25. I have lived through some shit, I am not a boy. I am... a man. And I like how my hair feels like a lions mane. I associate cutting my hair off with my own lack of control and desperation so i dont want to return to that ever.

My therapist has been exceptional. He wants me to embrace this because he has seen massive improvement. Yes I am in and out of crisis a lot, there is a lot on my plate and dysphoria is a c*nt when you are already struggling, but here is the dam thing.

For the first time in my miserable fucking life I don’t want to be hurt or punished. I don’t want to be beaten, spat on, assaulted or killed. I don’t want to starve, I don’t want to be anywhere near any of my old abusers or rapists. I don’t want to submit to be liked. I don’t want to preform as a character to be accepted. I don’t want to be dependant on anyone to survive. I don’t want to sexualise myself to be loved.

The dysphoria will challenge this, oh man it does. My depersonalisation and fear of being trans challenges this.

Little voices going “you are not really a man. you have tits. you have a baby. you are a mom. you are doing this for attention, all this because you have to be somehow sicker than you already are. It is just trauma. You are making all of this up. You are trying to just not be the snivelling wretch that they made you into. You make a mockery of a very real cause. You are not trying hard enough, a real trans guy would cut their hair. You like your appearance sometimes which means you must not be trans. You are not a man, you are just like literally any of those cases of confused survivors of abuse that you see all over the internet, that is you. You just cant admit it because you are scum. It’s the same as everything, none of this is real, none of this is true. You are nothing like a man. You are a nothing, A NOTHING”.

Those are the voices that send me into crisis. That have me self harming, suicidal, terrified, self hating. Not when I pass as a guy, not when I draw myself as a guy or just... am a guy. The doubt and pull back to my assigned gender is what is killing me. Well alongside the actual traumas and parenting a toddler, alone, with over £2000 in debt. I never want to lie, but unpicking the truth when you are multiple people and have amnesic survival programming to prevent you from uncovering traumatic realities is very hard.

What is amazing though.... which I will cling to when my binder is crushing, when Instagram is full of BS about what is True Transgenderism, when FB is full of trans hate and I am still annoyingly in the closet with my family and most of the universe is this... When my BFF Maddy calls me an amazing, perfect boy, I blush and well up with tears and feel seen. I felt visible. When she sends me gifs of someone snuggling the death out of a tired proud lion, ruffling his mane, I feel seen again I cry with happy relief feels. When she or my friend Ruth says i look handsome, or masculine and I am blushing again forever, that is precious. When I look in the mirror after working out and see my shoulders broader and chest almost flat from the binder, hair swept back, I look strong, i look male, i look right. well almost. When i complete a drawing of how i wish i looked and i get it correct, i feel ready to punch the goddamn sun in its stupid face like LOOK! I EXIST! When I dream of being a guy and being touched by another person as if i am a guy, i feel like i am gonna take off from this planet and leave it in my dust... because not only do they see me, but they accept me and love me for who I am, who I want to be rather than who they want me to be or who i need to be... It makes me put that blade down and walk away. Make a hot chocolate or draw something.

So... I guess this is it. I am a guy.

A closeted guy for my safety for now. But a guy.

A guy with a shit tonne of trauma. But a guy.

A guy with DID, and female personalities. But I am a guy.

A guy who has a 2 year waiting list before he can talk to a gender clinic about this but still. I am a guy.

A guy that yes, despite all my best efforts, looks androgynous at best, and uses feminine appearance for protection because they are still too scared to present fully as male. But still a guy.

If this changes in future, well then... whilst living without dysphoria would be just the best... I dont want to loose who I am now i have finally caught a glimpse of them for the first time. It has made me a better person, a better parent, a better friend... Why would I ever give that up? It is gonna be a long old road, it may all change, I may change again, I may legitimately forget all about this. I may be too scared to ever come out to my family. The doubt, fear and dysphoria may actually win the next time I am in crisis. I may just delete this post out of shame but fuck it.

My name is Aly and I am a fucking guy.

#return #did #dissociativeidentitydisorder #d.i.d #dissociation #trauma #coming out #like wtf #realisation #tw #confession #long post

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dansphlevels · 7 years ago

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Six Months And Ten Seconds

I was planning on posting this later but a thirsty anon was ready for content so I decided to just post it now. Enjoy!

Summary: The story of how long it took for two boys to fall.

Length: 1k

Themes: falling in lust/love, drug usage (marijuana), dropout

Scientists suggest it takes between 4 and 90 minutes to fall in love.

But why would you ask a scientist?

It took Phil six months to fall in love. It only took Dan 10 seconds.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck with a half dozen other people high on weed and Fall Out Boy, screaming I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me as they drove around town and wrecked mild havoc. They were going a little too fast in a neighborhood a little too nice when the car slammed to a halt and a boy almost fell out of the truck bed. Straightened brown hair and black circle earrings, black shirt and black skinny jeans, emo wannabe breathing in toxins like he wanted his lungs to be as black as his aesthetic. He catches himself on the side of the truck bed, the only one not complaining about the sudden halt. Eyes shoot up, and he’s looking at a boy who looks like he could use a smoke. All it takes is a glance, and he’s a goner.

Then the truck starts back up and he’s gone.

Psychologists suggest that it takes 66 days to form a habit.

But why would you ask a psychologist?

It took Dan less than that. He has an addictive personality and anything that could give him any sort of high he immediately clung to. Weed made everything blur and every edge soften. The idea, just the idea, of a beautiful boy that Dan could corrupt made the edges sharpen and the frame go back into focus. It was such a confused pattern that it didn’t make any sort of rational sense, but it didn’t need to.

He was addicted to wrecking things. His life, his body, and now, he wanted to wreck this boy.

Research suggests that love at first sight does not exist.

But what does research know?

Perhaps it wasn’t love, perhaps it was lust, a gut-wrenching desire for something stable in a shaking, crumbling world. A Uni dropout who longed for something more, longed for anything to take the pain away.

He saw him at a party and pulled him to the dance floor. Neither could dance, so they ended up outside, kissing and rocking against each other with the taste of liquor passed back and forth. Only Dan was drunk. Phil’s eyes were still weary, the way they were the first time they saw each other.

Wanna go back to my place?

Can't, I have early classes.

Kissing, kissing. Lonely, lonely. Two lonely people and two empty apartments and one intense kiss and gone, gone.

I want to ruin him.

Studies show that to remain sane, a person needs human touch at least 7 times a week.

Dan was going insane.

He tore the posters off of the wall, crumbling them into his wastebasket with his lighters, his smokes, and his earrings. The shadows danced across the walls, laughing and nudging him. The hallucinations were too real. The high was too high, the low too low. He crumbled on the floor like one of his posters. Sick. Very sick. And he knows that he must pull the drugs out from the basket because, for the past year, they have been his only company.

Lights turn off. Goodnight, goodnight. Go to bed. In the morning you can dig them out, in the morning you can breathe in the toxins once more and breathe out regret. Marijuana won’t kill you, but smoking it when you hate it might.

Specialists suggest it takes 21 days to break a habit.

Specialists lie.

Another party. Another boy. Unrealistic expectations shoved down the crotch of his jeans.

Another party. Drunk enough to kiss a girl. She smells like weed, and Dan turns her away.

He didn’t take the lighters and smokes out of the wastebasket. He took out the trash. He took out the trash.

That stupid boy, the one he saw through the window with the blue eyes and dark hair. That stupid boy, from the party, who’s still in Uni and how dare he? Kissing and failing at dancing and Dan holds on to his memory because he needs something to hold onto.

"Oh wow, you’re right, we’ve met before. At that one party, with the pool table." Scratches his ear. "I almost didn’t recognize you. Without the earrings, and the uh..." the red eyes hiding so much fear don’t know don’t care-

"Do you wanna get out of here?" The answer was no. "Come on, we can get drinks. My treat."

"I don’t drink."

"Milkshakes then."

Hesitation. "I don’t know."

"A free milkshake, no strings attached. You’re not going to get a better offer from any of the other deadlifes here."

Hesitation. "Okay."

Chocolate milkshake and banana cream milkshake. Banana cream tastes horrible. It tastes better later that night, on Phil’s lips.

Scientists suggest it takes between 4 and 90 minutes to fall in love.

Dan had taken ten seconds to fall. It took Phil six months.

Request A Fic/ All My Fics

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gloomy-goober · 7 years ago

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Glam Up a Rainy Day

In which a young Creativity and a young Anxiety bond during a rainy day in Thomas’ mind.

@holdnarrytight @justanotherpurplebutterfly @twinkly-lights @here-to-vent @that-space-gay-writes

Anxiety sat by the window in the main hub. The youngest side had his hood pulled up over his head and his hand pulled into the over sized sleeves. Outside the little home light grey clouds hovered over the sky and let rain drops go and hit the ground.

It was not caused by any terribly bad day that Thomas was experiencing, if it was Roman would be outside trying to fight it off. No, it was merely a normal occurrence of bad emotions appearing that any young teenager gets. Seventh grade was not an easy ride after all and neither is puberty.

The other sides seemed to be effected by this rainfall in Thomas’ subconscious.

Heart, usually happy and bouncing, had lost his step and went to take a nap when the light rainfall briefly became a downpour. Logic went with the usually peppy side to make sure that Patton was not alone. Creativity had been going in and out of his room like a nervous squirrel.

Virgil seemed to like the rain more then the others. It symbolized Thomas letting out some of his pent up emotions that made the anxious side’s job hard. He had a small desire to just go out and lay outside. Let the water seep into his hoodie, but he also did not want to risk a cold or Patton’s worry about him disappearing out into what was normally Roman’s domain.

This did not stop him from cracking the window open slightly so he could listen to the rain and smell the calming scent. He liked listening to the other sides talk but this rare moment when the hub was empty made him realize he slightly missed his alone time in the basement.

The boy let out a sigh and rested his head on the glass. The pitter patter of the rain lulling him into a blanket of security. He had probably would have sat like that all day if it was not for the afternoon interruption of Roman “Creativity” Sanders.

The side did not seem to notice the newest addition over by the window as he dropped his stuff onto the hub’s coffee table. The usually green clad side had seemed to have taken a costume change in the direction of a disney character onesie. Virgil could not tell if it was Chip or Dale but he honestly expected a princess or Mickey Mouse. Maybe Pansy was feeling off today.

The silent side shifted his watchful gaze from the window to the new interesting thing in the room.

He watched as Creativity turned on the T.V. and stuck in a movie. From the sound of it the movie was Peter Pan. The Disney obsessed side did not look at the screen as he started to set up the things he had brought out.

The young side dug around in the box he had brought out. Taking things out to put them back in after he set up a bunch of small glass bottles. Each one was a different color and Virgil slowly realized that they were all different kinds of nail polish. He pulled out cotton balls, nail clippers, a nail file, and a bottle that read ‘nail polish remover’ before the side closed the box and set it on the floor.

A burning question burned in the back of Anxiety’s mind as he watched Roman look over the different colors before he grabbed a red colored bottle and began to shake it.

What is Roman doing? Does he know I am here? Would he be mad that I am here?

Anxiety hugged his knees to his chest. His eyes were locked on Roman even though his thoughts were elsewhere.

He probably would be mad. He hates me because... I’m too quiet. Not outgoing. Stupid. A nuisance. An unwanted addition.

Just a terrible side for someone to have. I don’t do anything productive. I should just leave before I ruin his time out in the hub. He was here before you technically.

“I know I am handsome but there is no reason to stare.”

The statement made Anxiety jump out of the darkest part of his mind and brought him back to reality. Creativity had stopped shaking the bottle and was looking over at the other with an unreadable expression.

Virgil’s face burned with embarrassment. The dang habit of staring off into space was one he had not been aware of until he joined their world upstairs. He looked away and made sure that his hood casted a dark shadow over his pale face.

“Sorry. Just...wanted to...” he began to say but let it trail off into mumbles. He still was not the best at expressing his thoughts verbally, it was something Patton was working with him on. “I’m sorry...I’ll go.”

Virgil slipped from the window sill quickly and hunched his shoulders. He barely made it two steps away from the window before Roman’s words froze him in place.

“Now hold on a second, Anxiety. Come over here.”

He is going to yell at you for staring. Tell you how you were being really weird.

Anxiety sucked in a shaky breath and curled into himself more. He wanted so badly to run away back to his basement but that would only make Creativity even angrier. Roman was not known for his easy temper.

The nervous side took in a deeper breath and forced his feet over to the couch. The boy sat as far as he could from Roman without letting on that he was scared. It was a skill he was learning was pretty hard; to put on an act of uncaring.

“What?” His voice squeaked a little and he was going to pretend it was Thomas’ physical changes not his nerves.

Roman held out his hands with the palms facing up. He did not say anything; just waited for Anxiety to get the idea.

Virgil looked at him confused from under the shadow of his hood.

Is this some kind of trick? What does he want?

Roman raised an eyebrow at him and looked down at his hand then back up at Virgil expectantly. This happened a couple of times before Anxiety finally understood what the older side wanted.

Hesitantly, Virgil brought his hands out of his pocket and put them in Creativity’s outstretched ones. He held back a gasp at the feeling.

Roman’s hands were weirdly soft and warm, not unlike Patton’s but there was more of a noticeable trace of growling callouses. This is not what made Anxiety sit up straighter. Creativity was also Thomas’ self confidence, positvity, and dreams. He was the opposite of Anxiety’s role as the caution, self-hatred, and pessimist.

The warm, positive energy that Roman was leaking fought against the dark that plagued Virgil. The youngest side wanted to pull away and lean towards it all at the same time. Whatever Roman’s plan was with the holding hands, Virgil was not going to complain. It felt oddly nice for the thoughts to be completely quiet.

Creativity had locked his fingers around the other’s hands as soon as they had touched his palms. The grip was gentle yet firm as he got right to work. He pulled them up close to his eyes and observed them with a quiet noise that sounded like a tisk.

“Bitten almost down to the bone,” Roman muttered, “But not completely irreparable.”

Virgil wished he could do some other expression besides confusion when around Creativity but it seemed this side could only spur that emotion.

Just as quickly as Roman had latched onto the hands he let them drop back to Anxiety’s lap. The warm positive feeling disappeared with the loss of the touch and Virgil had to do his best to not let the disappointment show. The boy just pushed them back into his hoodie’s pockets and watched as the older side looked over the items on the table.

“Well, I am not specialist but I think today is your lucky day,” Roman said after a moment and held out a hand expectantly.

“What?” Anxiety got out, finally voicing how lost he was.

Creativity rolled his eyes and pulled one of Anxiety’s hands from the cover of the pocket. The same warm feeling passed over Virgil but he kept his mouth shut about it. His eyes locked onto the nail clippers that Roman held in the hand that was not holding his own.

“I am going to fix this nail biting problem. It is simply a terribly thing to do to your nails,” Roman said and began to work at clipping down the ragged ends of the youngest’s finger nails. “You are so lucky that it was me you came to for this.”

“I didn’t...you called me over?”

Roman ignored the quiet supply of the true information. “I doubt Logan or Patton could fix them in this stage of terribleness.”

He clipped the last nail and looked them over with an approving gaze. The fanciful side set down the clippers and grabbed the nail file; working with experience that Anxiety could not help but wonder where the other got it.

“Choose a color.”

“Huh?”

Roman blew over the other’s hand to get the dust off and nodded his head to the table that was still strewn with different colored bottles. There were pinks, blues, red, greens, and even glitters. It was a little overwhelming for the quiet side.

“I don’t really have greys or blacks or whatever you emos like,” Roman set down the hand he was working on and grabbed Virgil’s other hand. The anxious side not even reacting to the flood of positivity this time. “But I am sure that you can find something dark enough to appease your little gremlin soul.”

“Do I need to choose a color?” Anxiety whispered. The flood of positive emotions spurred him on a little.

The question made Creativity pause. The boy mid-clip of a terribly torn up thumb nail as he seemed to mull the question over in his mind.

“No?” he said the word slowly and unsure before he seemed to find a train of thought that appeased him. “But the polish will hopefully help in stopping this bad habit. You would not want to bite this stuff off your nails; trust me.”

He’s...trying to help me? Why?

Virgil bit back the question with a bite to the lip and looked over the different colors again. The free hand almost went and grabbed a sliver bottle before he spotted a color that was set near the blues. It was out of his range of motion with Roman filing down his nails so he had to point over to it.

“Can...can I have that one?”

Roman blew off the dust and looked over in the direction the darker clad side pointed. An honest shocked expression passed over the young side’s face as he let go of Anxiety’s hand.

“Royal Purple?”

Virgil nodded. The more he looked at the color the more he liked it. It was weirdly bold while also having a calming effect.

“Well,” Roman paused and took a glance at Anxiety’s eager face before the pre-teen gave a dramatic sigh. “Fine. I was going to paint my nails red today anyway.”

The creative side grabbed the bottle and set it down close to the two of them before he grabbed a clear bottle. The began to shake it.

“We need to put a base coat on first. It helps the polish stay longer,” he explained when he caught the shadowed expression on Anxiety’s face.

The next few moments were filled with Peter fighting hook on the T.V. screen as Princey carefully dusted off the last of the dust with a rag and then began to paint Virgil’s nails with a clear coat. Neither of them said a word to each other but Anxiety had to admire how the simple clear polish made his usual disarray nails look better.

“Wave your hands around,” Roman commanded as he put the bottle up. “We want that dry before I put on the purple.”

Anxiety felt ridiculous doing it but he was not going to question Creativity. He waved his hands around to dry the polish and while he did Roman began to clip his own, much nicer, nails.

Roman set the down the clippers when he was done and gently placed a hand on Anxiety’s wrists to get him to stop. He held one of the wrists in a gentle grip and grabbed the purple polish.

“Alright, be super still for me. I don’t want to get it on your skin. I don’t like to clean edges.”

“Okay.”

Virgil was as still as a statue despite his nerves. The young side stared down at the other as he worked. Every time a clear coated nail turned into the vibrant purple he felt a small spark of excitement go through him.

Roman did not even have to tell him to wave his hands when he finished the last nail. The quiet side going to the action without question. Virgil did not even move to pull his hood back over his head when it slipped down. He did not want to mess up Creativity’s work. The flamboyant side grabbed the nail file to work on his own hands while they waited.

When the color was done drying Roman put another clear coat over the nails. It seemed to take the purple and turn it into jewels in Anxiety’s eyes.

“And there, when that dries you will be all done. Course you could do a pedicure but I refuse to do feet,” Roman said as he set the bottle down.

Virgil stared down at his painted nails with wide eyes. Sure the skin around the nails still had the obvious signs of dry skin and his cuticles were not the best in the world but they looked amazing. Roman had done an amazing job with the limited experience.

Roman and Virgil were shocked when the youngest side suddenly lept forward and hugged the other. The two frozen with Anxiety latched onto Roman in a hug.

“Thank you.”

Creativity was not given an option to respond. Just as quickly as the other had shown affection he let go and hurried out of the main hub. The basement door closing before the other side could blink.

It was nerves that drove Anxiety into hiding but they were not the standard nerves the young side was used to. They were the kind of nerves that made someone want to giggle, jump, spin around in a circle, or just all over be happy. The positive energy that Creativity had unknowingly leaked still running through him as he made his way down into his room in a careful way to not mess up his hands.

Upstairs, Roman did as he said he was going to do. He painted his nails red; bright rubies that would stand out against his usual green outfit if he decided to change back into it. The movie he had put on covering up the fact that the rain that had been falling outside in Thomas’ subconscious had stopped.

#Growing Up Part of a Whole #sanders sides #Roman #Princey #Roman Sanders #my fic #'A' fic #fic #Anxiety #Virgil Sanders #Virgil #unedited #And they bonded

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esperanzamontero-blog · 6 years ago

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cassraven · 6 years ago

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Personal deep thoughts that make me ponder people sometimes and makes me cry silently alone.

So, something’s been on my mind the last couple of weeks that I’ve tried keeping to myself, that I’ve only told a few of my friends privately in my personal life...it still feels so weird and puzzling to me...warning, you might breakdown crying as I had over time, grab tissues, or want to hug me tight nonstop after you read this...it’s that intense of feels, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, I have this friend in fandom, cosplay, the arts, etc. who I will not personally name, let’s call her “J”. J has lately gone through many phases of changes that just seems to shock everyone in our life who have known her for quite some time...one minute she’s emo scene kid, next minute goth, emo, goth kawaii, emo again to suddenly lolita goth. Then she goes from rejoicing of saying she’s at some point bisexual, to making us all assume she’s a lesbian but then suddenly tells us she’s bisexual to suddenly without warning or my LGBT Gay-dar going off becoming this negative moodly beyond rage claiming, “I’m trans, but not like normal cist or mixed Trans men or women, I don’t want any physical or visual change of going from female to male. I only feel mentally/emotionally a man not no longer a Woman. You all better get used to accepting me suddenly as Trans Identifying as Male, no longer calling me by my born female name, start calling me by my brand new male name or else I won’t be happy. I will not be disrespected because I am now a male, so get used to it, don’t screw up trying to get used to going from female pronouns to male pronouns.” You can imagine that’s been...quite the roller coaster of having to deal with suddenly, going through this major “change’’. The messed up part...She now “He” never once told me one of “his” closest friends ever about this sudden change of no longer Identifying as Bisexual/Lesbian to suddenly this, especially when he knew my boyfriend and I are all pro-LGBT everything, I myself having trans friends fully going through all the phases of changing their gender/etc. So this was a surprise...especially when this friend of mine is/was my best friend...who only during my time visiting me this summer for short of a week only dressed in very highly feminine gothic clothes, full on normal female make up, not transgender clothes, or drag makeup, or even gender neutral clothing like my normal trans friends did. Prior to this, to visiting, he J had made this whole big thing of telling me, “To please privately inform your mother and family that I’m no longer going by my prior used female name and I’m now a male with a male name and educate them about LGBT Trans Rights, etc. and make sure no one messes up calling me the wrong gendered pronouns or names or else I’ll not be tolerated to be disrespected as a mixed race black/asian transgendered man.” Again, quite the angry aggressive response he gave me when I was like, “I’ll do that, mind you my family is traditional hispanic-mexican-native american but they aren’t homophobic or transphobic as you automatically assume. They’ve only known you as your past female name so, it will take them time to adjust to suddenly calling you a new name etc. Especially since you barely had told me about this all of the sudden change barely in the last year dropping this bombshell on your own Mother, Myself and my boyfriend when we’ve been bff’s for years man...you haven’t even come out male to all your real life family/relatives and friends.” So after all that lecturing me, like I was an idiot bisexual woman, what happened...”He” refused to go by He or his male name, instead told me to not say anything to anyone, and went willingly, so willingly by his former female gender, female pronouns of a name...it made me feel frustrated, upset, confused as well as my boyfriend by this act he/she was playing with us and my family and his family who are all accepting of all races, religions, LBGT too.

I hate to say or admit it, but I started questioning if J was confused by this sudden change of sexual or gender identities mixed up, because she went from being straight, to lesbian, to bisexual, to lesbian, to bisexual then a mixture of lesbian/bisexual to suddenly out of the blue now saying she’s a transgendered male but refuses to go through any of them if not “normal” steps a transgendered female to male or male to female person does. She still demands to be called female pronouns/names but at the same time demands to be identified as male pronounces/names? And dresses/acts fully female heterosexual woman wise? It’s really confusing for us, even to my other Trans friends when I privately sought out their advice on the matter. They told me either J is confused by identities with what transgender she wants to be, or she’s faking her gender identity trying to fit into the LGBT lifestyle or her/his circle of friends who are trans male to want to belong. I’m honestly not sure since J’s continuing to be so confusing in her contradictions, moments of episodes, identities that she/he probably isn’t sure either. I really don’t know but telling me a bff bisexual you’re this then that, then this again, hollering rage wise “I want to be known as a man!” but then claim, “I want to be identified as a woman” is very beyond confusing and messed up to act like this towards your own ally in LGBT.

But this stuff, beyond J’s episodes of emotional yelling outbursts, incidents that happened when J was visiting me for a short week, couldn’t compare to something J shared with me that just threw me into an emotional loop as He or she kept insisting suddenly “she” threw on me surprise wise...concerning J’s feeling concerning kids/babies...

When you're told something so shocking by someone in your life not long ago, how they really feel about children/babies in general to the point where their literal cold honesty without remorse shocks you to the core. They say really hate children/kids that much negatively. I honestly don't know how to feel about this, really I don't. I know sometimes some people can't stand to say certain/specific things about children/babies or don't like certain types of kids. But to literally dislike/hate children that much to where they can't stand to be around any sort of child, kid, baby, infant, toddler or much less a pregnant woman or woman who just had a baby/ have a baby in public. Without really giving me an actual reason to really 'why' they feel this way of hate/dislike to babies/kids disturbs/troubles me. Is that normal for an individual to feel that way, or have any sort of legit phobia, or raw honest hatred for children? To the point where they'd refused to be near loved ones who are pregnant or want to see them even if they ever had a baby/child on purpose to avoid them?

I don't know honestly how to feel about this after someone in my life told me how "they truly felt'' along with adding, "Our world's too overpopulated enough. Anyone who has a child intentionally or not is fucking selfish. To have a child in this world is selfish. I hate kids." It just makes me question a lot more things, makes me feel sad hearing this, makes me want to pity someone being that so hateful/being willing to negatively hate babies/children that much. I question whether the day I become a Mother hopefully one day in a few years if... The day I become a Mother one day to a child, I can't help but question if whether or not I would want that person in my life around me when I'm pregnant, after I have my child, if I'd allow/or want that individual around my child if they hate/dislike kids that much intolerance. The screwed up fact is that J knows that I and my guy love kids, we would like to be parents in a few years once we move in, get things in order in our lives to provide for one, have our own place, etc. That we would be happy whether having a child naturally or adopting one either way. What really upset/hurt me is this little factor, J claims she/he hates kids to the point where *points above quote J said feelings of kids* That he/she doesn’t want any of his/her own her/his self. But J had the nerve to tell me, “Well even if you get pregnant by planning to have a kid with your partner, let me make it clear not to friend include me in anything. I’m not even comfortable being at a baby shower celebration or the hospital if you give birth, or even adopt etc. I feel you want a kid with your health issues of Lupus is selfish. But maybe you’d make an alright Mom...but I hope at least you’re responsible enough to once you have a kid to raise that child, not as the sex it’s born but either gender neutral or non-gender sex assigned pronouns of she/he. I believe kids shouldn’t be classes at the gender their assigned, and parents need to educate themselves of gender-neutral ways or Trans ways to let that child be “it” not he/she or a girl or boy how people handle their kids from birth forcing the sex-gender on them in pinks or blues or toys. I hope you do that so your kid isn’t screwed up in this girl/boy society, raise it genderless or trans.” It really bothered me...a woman/trans male who hates kids/doesn’t want kids telling me how to raise my future one-day fetus/infant/baby/child. If my child was a boy or girl I wouldn’t care, would still love it. I’d dress it in either colors, rainbows or hell either gender mixed clothes because it’s just clothes! If my child when they're older, more mentally developed to understand everything, told me they feel they are possibly transgendered. Then okay, let’s see a specialist doctor or therapist who helps parents and kids educate about Transgender and LGBT positively to make sure you really feel this is what you are and no one is trying to force it on you. If my kid wants to be straight or LGBT or Identify as whatever they want, I will love them still regardless. As for others like J demanding to “educate me” on how I should raise my child when they hate kids themselves or don’t want any...that’s hypocritical b.s. and beyond hurtful insulting to me

Since then, I haven’t really talked to her/him...I’m still confused, hurt that he/she feels this way with so much hatred...hell, even told me if I were to have a kid pregnant wise/raised a kiddo of my own that they couldn’t see me due to hating kids in general that much, so she/he purposely avoid me, not want to visit/see me or my family because of a hate that much and beliefs? Seriously?!

#deep thoughts #upset #crying #feeling emotionally sad like usagi #friend drama #how can someone hate that much #how can anyone hate kids that much

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