#that's my paranoia speaking for me i know

[dissociation-station123]

Chapter Seven - Perfect Distraction

Sylus X Reader

Warning - Mention of emotional trauma due to past relationship

“You need more sleep.” Sylus chastises you, both of you sitting at the bar on a Thursday evening. He cups your cheek studying the dark circles under your eyes. You quickly shake away from his grasp, a pout on your face.

“I sleep!” You counter poorly and he rolls his eyes. You huff and take a sip of your drink, sighing contently from the burn as it travels down your throat. Soothing the stress away in an instance.

Sylus clicks his teeth at you in defiance. “You take far too many late night trips to that convenience store. That’s very dangerous.” He continues like a disappointed parent. It is now your turn to roll your eyes.

You go to take another drink and freeze. You begin to process his words, your eyes widen in shock. Sylus has been able to predict your every move and even more so now that you have become close friends.

You begin to search your clothes frantically. “What are you doing?” Sylus asks in confusion, eyebrows raised. He is not comprehending your sudden erratic movements.

“Did you put a tracker on me or something?!” You glare in his direction as you feel the seams of your shirt. Sylus burst into a chuckle at your paranoia. He grabs onto your shoulders to stop you from removing your clothes in the middle of the establishment.

“That is ridiculous. You sound insane.I just know your habits now.” He says so coyly that you get an urge to pinch him. You give him a side eye as you take a drink which only makes his grin wider.

“You guys are so adorable.” The bartender walks over with a bright demeanor and you sneer in her direction. This emboldens him further, scooting his chair closer leaving no space to breath. Wrapping his stupidly muscular arm around your shoulder.

“My kitten is the cutest.” He purrs directly in your ear and your mouth opens in disbelief. You slowly pan your face to glance up at him, “She looks so charming when she scowls at me like this.” The audacity he has when he bops your nose is unfathomable.

“I will torture you slowly. The bliss I will feel when you cry out in agony will be my lullaby.” You grit your teeth yet you knew it would not faze him.

“Yes sweetie, I love when you talk dirty.” He bites his lower lip condescendingly, it’s so damn attractive. You facepalm to avoid staring. Sylus sees this and assumes your defeat he pulls away with an obnoxious laugh.

“Maybe our friendship was a mistake.” You mutter into your hand. Sylus was perceptive and heard every word.

“It's too late now. I gave you a chance to run.” He Grabs your glass and finishes your whiskey with a twinkle in his eyes. “Not my fault you're a fool who fell for my charms.”

You ask the bartender for another and she gladly complies, amused by you both. “It was not your fake facade Sylus. Once I got to see underneath I knew you needed someone. The more we hung out I realized I needed this too.”

Sylus is not expecting a genuine response. He was waiting for a dig or teasing comment in return. His cocky expression dissipates within seconds, he gives you a nod in understanding.

Before he could speak, the bell above the door of the bar chimes, a large group of people walk in. “Looks like a busy night. Want to go for a ride?” He asks and you agree without a second thought.

Since the first ride together this has been somewhat of a routine for when the bar became a bit too crowded. Sylus always recognizes your discomfort and whisks you away on his bike. The ride itself has become less nerve wracking and you have begun to enjoy them.

You both escape the bar, it’s become a habit for him to take your arm and guide you through the chaos and boisterous chatting. You take a relieved breath when you make it over to his motorcycle.

You wait for him to hand you the helmet and place it on yourself, now a bit of an expert. He gets on and you follow, holding onto his waist, gently compared to the death grip you had from the first few times. The tension of the original experience caused by fear has now dissipated.

Sylus leans back into you and turns his head, “Where to?” He asks softly and you honestly don’t care as long as you get to hang out with him for a bit longer.

You lift the visor, “Doesn’t matter to me. Let’s just ride around for a bit.” He studies your face and smiles then shuts your visor.

There was no longer the gnawing tension of riding on what you originally deemed a death machine, but a new form emerged that you are now struggling to push down. Your stomach flips pleasantly when he pats your thighs to signal he is pulling off. You lean into him and your heart races at the heat radiating amongst you.

You remind yourself he is just a flirtatious being, it holds no value. A man like this is not meant for you romantically, someone who struggles with the concept. He deserves a whirlwind of love you're not capable of providing. A kind that is suffocating that drives the couple to the brink of destruction together. A story book of passion.

You are jolted out of your thoughts when he takes hold of your hand and squeezes tightly. A signal you both developed to pull each other from your thoughts, you squeeze back to reassure him your ok, feel his thumb caress your hand in acknowledgement. A friendly gesture of understanding, you repeat it a few times internally to remind yourself.

Your thoughts relax when he pulls onto the highway ramp, and the wind begins to swirl around you as he picks up speed. Your hold loosens even more as you hum at the adrenaline now coursing through your body. You glance up at the night sky, through the smog and bright city lights it’s hard to see stars. You can’t help but to think it’s still a beautiful sight as the scenery flashes by.

You never imagined yourself especially at this age on the back of a Ducati. Yet now that you are you wonder what else you could find yourself doing. The hope that diminished a long time ago makes its way slowly to the surface. You want to push it back down as well but you don’t, instead you laugh, lifting your arms recklessly. Not for too long but just enough to make you light headed at the sensation.

You feel Sylus’s body shake with laughter and you feel a bright smile on your face. He picks up speed and you find yourself giggling like a child.

Way too soon he is pulling up to your building. You slowly dismount and begrudgingly take off the helmet, passing it back to him. “I knew there was boldness hidden inside you.” He grins and you shrug, though you felt proud. “Someone who drinks as much as you do has to have a reckless soul buried.”

“I don’t drink that much.” You counter and he gives you a stern glance. “Ok I should cut back a bit. You're the one who introduced me to the fancy stuff.” You cross your arms.

“So you just do whatever I suggest?” He leans in close, his eyebrows raised, “I have quite a few more.” That seductive tone again, you push him away playfully. He is just a flirt, it’s nothing serious.

“I refuse to go skydiving!” You proclaim physically placing your foot down. He chuckles at you as he gets back on his bike to leave. He turns to observe you standing on the sidewalk.

“Let me cook for you.” He states, something that sounded so harmless. “Come over to my place.” That sounded dangerous and definitely made you give him a second look.

A few minutes pass as he waits for your reply. “F-fine!” You mutter anxiously, the idea of being in his home sounded intimate. You continue to tell yourself that he is simply being friendly. He smiles when you agree.

“I’ll text you the details. Goodnight Y/N.” He started up the bike and you were thankful for the loud roar of the engine. Worried he could hear your heart beating out of your chest, you watch him drive away.

~

Your body is buzzing with overwhelming anxiety as you knock on Sylus’s door. An unfamiliar voice is heard from the other side. “It’s her!! Can’t wait to meet her.” Their voice, playful.

The unknown person opens the door and you are greeted by two masked figures. You jump back in surprise at their outfits. It was not Halloween but their garments had you second guessing yourself.

“So sorry! We don’t mean to startle you. We have to protect our identity. Boss told us to leave before you got here but we couldn’t help ourselves. I’m Kieran!” One of the men holds out their hand, their friendly persona calming you down. You give him a handshake and smile.

“I had to see the person who got the boss to eat at a burger place. I thought he was mess’n with us. I’m Luke!” You wave and he does the same. “It’s an honour to meet the great Y/N in person. The boss is always talk’n” Before Luke could continue there was a loud commotion in the hallway.

You have never seen Sylus in a state of panic before, there is a first time for everything. The large man charges down the highway haphazardly knocking into the wall. His eyebrows drew together anxiously. “Out!!” He shouts at his coworkers.

“Sorry boss!!” The two men say in unison and rush past you with a final wave in your direction. You burst out laughing, holding your stomach unable to stop. Seeing actual terror in his eyes over something so trivial, tears formed in your eyes.

“Are you done sweetie?” His voice is flat as he towers over you in the doorway. His hand resting on the frame, his ruby eyes piercing into you like daggers, yet your giggle persisted.

“I’m— sorry…” you snort as you try to stop but at the moment it is impossible. “The intimidating — haha — Sylus — haha — wait…” You struggle to breathe but it feels good. “Sorry — I was so nervous.” You finally reign in your chaotic chuckle, that felt like a spell was placed on you. When you finally look back up he is smiling with you.

“Laughing at my expense, how cruel. I will have to punish the twins later.” He motions for you to enter and you do. You take off your shoes in the entryway, your mouth gapes from the luxurious interior of his home.

“Please don’t. I was super anxious about coming here and they were very kind.” You turned to face him once you registered his threat. “I also haven’t laughed so hard in a very long time.” You grin and he lets out an exaggerated sigh.

“I’ll let them off the hook then.” He says with faux annoyance as he guides you down the hall. Your head is on a swivel taking in the modern style. In a place like the N109 zone this was a rare sight. “Impressed?” He asks with a sly smirk.

“So much space for one person.” You scowl and he smirks at your sign of contempt. “It’s nice though.” You shrug as you both finally reach the spacious open kitchen. Designer bowls, utensils, and fresh ingredients are set out on the marble countertops.

“If you're done judging my lifestyle, would you mind cutting and dicing a couple tomatoes?” He says coyly as he moves around working to prepare the meal. Soul crushing anxiety returns immediately and with a vengeance, as you walk to the sink to wash your hands.

Familiar words echo in your mind from memories past - You are useless, can’t even boil water right - Don’t hold it like that idiot -You are lucky I put up with you because no other man would

Sylus notices your blank stare, waving a hand in front of your face, holding out a towel. “You alright?” He questions and you nod frantically as you dry your hands. You straighten up attempting to mask your expression to avoid further investigation.

“Yeah of course.” You say and push him away. He chuckles and moves to the cabinet to grab something else. You move back to the counter, look down and scold your shaky hands as you lift up the cutting knife. You take in a breath trying to combat the internal thoughts haunting and harassing you. You grab a tomato and place it on the cutting board.

You swallow heavily and are about to cut when a shadow blocks the light from behind you. “It was rude of me to put my guest to work.” Sylus whispers directly into your ear. You let out a breath you were holding as he wrapped his hand around yours. He gently guides your movements until both vegetables are perfectly sliced.

“That’s it, nice job.” His baritone voice is soothing. A smile forms on your face as you both dice up the tomatoes together. “Thank you for your help. Now…” He sets down the knife and turns you to face him.

Sylus tilts your chin up, an endearing look is hidden in his eyes. “Sit here and look pretty.” You let out a surprised yelp as he effortlessly lifts you up to sit on the counter. “Shouldn’t be too much longer.” He promises while tapping your shoulder affectionately.

You watch him attentively as he moves around the space with concentrated ease. Stirring, chopping, and mixing with keen precision. It felt like a performance. After a while he walks over to you with a spoon. “Open.” He orders and you examine the sauce, the smell is wonderful.

You do as you're told and as soon as it hits your tastebuds you groan. You give him two thumbs up and he chuckles with pride. “Sylus you are something else!” He rolls his eyes and stealthly dabs your nose with the leftovers. “Hey I was being sincere this time!!” You say through a laugh, swiping the sauce and gladly licking it from your finger.

He has you taste test a few other things and then the meal is ready. You hop from the counter enthusiastically. Helping him carry everything to the large decorative dining table. “Is this also where you hold your mob meetings?” You tease surveying how many chairs are tucked neatly into the table.

“Just ignore the bloodstains.” He quips back and you both smirk in unison. You then dig in with no hesitation. You would tell him to open a restaurant but knowing him he probably already owns one. “I love how expressive you are when you eat.”

You look up with a mouthful and go to glare but can read the sincerity on his face. He had told you he envied how easily you were able to display your emotions. A pang of sadness hits you knowing he probably has reasons why he is unable to. A naive part of you craves to see it and hoard them for yourself.

“Why did they push back the wedding? Not that I’m complaining, I was dreading it to be honest.” You ask and feel guilty when his smile fades, replaced only for a second by vulnerability then back to his stoic facade.

“The groom is a doctor and there was an emergency. So they postponed it.” He keeps his voice even as he speaks so to avoid any slip of emotion.

“I was wondering if she changed her mind or something.” You feel awful for what you said, but you craved to see a deeper part of Sylus. So you could help pick him up like he had you.

Sylus frowns, “It would not change anything even if she did.” You study him and watch as his jaw clenches. “She has decided.”

“Good for you.” You respond honestly and boldly. His pride was damaged but not broken. You look up at him and he smiles, his eyes scanning you as always. He must have determined you were being truthful because he nods.

“Thanks for coming Y/N.” He mutters and you now nod. You wanted to reach out and squeeze his hand but there was too much of a distance. You both quickly change the subject and the rest of the night seems to fly by.

In your mind as you both laugh and carry on you think:

I may not be the passionate person he deserves but at least I can distract him for a bit until that person comes a long…

[shiftingwithdali]

I have the opposite problem where I find it hard recognizing I'm in a dream but when I do become lucid I can control some stuff. I'm still working on controlling my whole dream but yk baby steps.

I speak from personal experience so idk how serious my advice should be taken but

First thing I do when I'm not sure if I am in a dream or not I look at my hands. Today I tried to shift from a lucid dream and I ended up somewhere I didn't recognize so I thought at first that it worked but then I looked at my hands and I had 4 fingers on my left and about 7 on my right so I dismissed that thought.

Also I find it easier to control myself in a dream then my surroundings. For example I make myself fly or jump really high at first at that almost always works out. I did realize that I had to focus all my willpower to that specifically, I had to really want and believe it to happen. If I have a doubt or a negative thought of something that would mostly turn out for the worst (for me). Also everything is usually a lot slower for me when my dreams become lucid like I'm moving in slow motion.

Then I move onto controlling my surroundings. I haven't been able to change whole dreams yet. Last time I tried I felt and heard the new dream but I couldn't see it. But what does work for me is changing one thing. I have tried to make portals but for me those usually don't work but doors do because I can visualize those better. And before opening the door I visualize a bright light behind it and I set an intention when I step through it (for me this would be a different dream or a shift).

I stay away from experimenting with lucid dreams with people involved for now because I've had some paranoia leading to negative thoughts with it. But I've seen loads of people having no problem with talking to people in their dreams.

I've heard about some "rules" when dreaming about clocks, mirrors, men with hats and telling people that they're in your dream but since I've done no research on that I won't get into that also since I don't know how much of it is true or just made up :)

Hopefully some of it helps, if not then thank you for reading this rant.

Also don't let any of this limit anything. I've stated my past experiences and things I've noticed but I fully believe that everything goes smooth and well after doing it more and experiementing

Anyone have tips for lucid dreaming?

I've been working on lucid dreaming for about a year now. I often realise that I'm dreaming but can never quite push to the point of controlling it.

It's quite annoying when I wake up, knowing that I was aware of dreaming but not actually doing anything 😅

[annabthesolitarywriter]

IMPORTANT!

I've seen some of my moots post New Year Resolution lists/To-do lists so I thought I'd share mine. It contains important information my mutuals deserve to know.

I suppose you all don't remember my WIP The Lady of Ithilien.

Don't worry, it's a very small thing I've never really talked about. Enna? Eönwë? I don't know who these people are (just kidding, of course). Well, I have to announce that it will no longer be a WIP. It won't be a WIP for a long time, since I don't plan on posting new chapters until the latter part of this year and possibly even early 2026.

Much has changed since I posted chapter 3 back in April. I've created many, many, many OCs and some of them will appear in the story quite soon. As such, I need to have them completely (or semi-completely) figured out (full names, lineage, background, personality and role within the plot) BEFORE I start writing about them.

This is why answering character asks will be my main priority for early 2025 at the very least. I need to know who my characters are before I write them and make a mess. Please send as many asks as you can (even random questions), so that I can flesh them out as much as possible. Even stupid questions are okay. Seemingly stupid questions—I reckon questions are never stupid—are actually the best because they force me to think. Trust me, I do need to think 😂 it's the overthinking part that which I don't like.

I was re-reading the LOI prologue last night and I couldn't help but notice how different Ioreth's personality is if compared to how I wrote her character just two chapters later. She sort of has some of the same traits, but she's much more gentle and understanding in the prologue than she is later, and I don't think Enna "misbehaving" could trigger such a massive change in her personality if she hadn't shown signs of being a complete b*tch beforehand. Luckily for me, I haven't written much yet, so that issue could be easily solved by deleting the prologue and reposting it separately as a general introduction to Enna as a character. I have already copied the prologue in my AO3 drafts in case I decide go through with it, but I will wait a while longer before I make a decision since I'm notoriously volatile and change my mind every five seconds about everything. This example is just to show how writing instinctively and without thinking can impact things in the long run, so I definitely need to develop my characters. That's the first thing I intend to do this year.

Second, I need to finish the Tolkien OC Week one-shots that should've been done by the end of this past August. I am still working on the one-shot for Day 5 and I have changed my mind about the prompt for Day 6 at least a billion times. I have to expand the one for Day 7 and finish the one-shot for day 1 (Maiarin world-building is the stuff of nightmares).

Plus, I need to make sure that I don't further change my mind about things I've already written, which is something I unfortunately always end up doing. I change my mind all the time and it's honestly kind of debilitating at this point. I feel like I'll never finish anything and it's disheartening.

I legit can't stop coming up with newer ideas that I think are better than the old ones and replacing stuff I've already written with new scenarios. The thing is, my excitement wears off pretty quickly and I soon get even better ideas that quickly replace the new ones. It's a never-ending cycle which needs to stop ASAP.

I do plan to make some changes to the LOI chapters I've already posted. I'll edit the story before I resume posting later this year/next year. I've planned the following changes so far:

Possibly take out the prologue and reposting it separately [the reasons for this change are mentioned above]. Should that be the case, LOI will start with chapter 1. I haven't really made up my mind about this though. I kind of don't want to delete it because, in doing so, I would lose all my comments and comments are very important to me, but I suppose I could screenshot them, print them and frame them 😂

Change Eönwë's Quenya lines in what is now Chapter 2 to Valarin. I mean, the guy is basically in a coma and starts speaking in a second/third language? I know that Maiar and Valar are supposed to be more or less masters of all languages, but I think it would make much more sense if he muttered stuff in Valarin rather than Quenya. I did not think of this when I first wrote the chapter a year ago and I wasn't not yet obsessed with Turkish period dramas.

Carefully review the parts of Chapter 4 that I have already written and make major adjustments. Write new parts that make more sense considering the events that have just occurred story-wise (don't worry, I won't discard anything. The "current" chapter 4 will be pushed back in the timeline and possibly become Chapter 7 or 8.

Pay a lot more attention to grammar and spelling. I usually don't mind it when other writers make spelling mistakes, but when it happens to me...it's a whole other matter entirely. I've been learning English for a long time and the fact that I still make that kind of mistakes—mostly due to distraction—really irks me. I'm talking capitalization issues, wrong vowels and such. I know how to write correctly and I cannot stress how I roll my eyes whenever I spot misspelled words I perfectly know how to write. And it usually happens after re-reading the same paragraph four or five times.

Stop adding lore to asks I've already posted. How are people going to keep up if I keep adding more and more things? I literally posted the Eleniel/Celebrían ask on New Year's Day and I've edited the post twice already because I obviously came up with slightly different concepts and ideas. It's been two days and I have no doubt I'll come up with slightly different variations of things anytime I re-read the post. I don't think it's fair to the person who sent the ask (@lucifers-legions in this case, but it could be anyone) to keep changing things. I never do it on purpose (it's more of an impulse things), but I need to make decisions and stick to them. People should be able to read the answers to my asks without stressing over what I'm going to change. This applies to everyone sending asks (anons and mutuals alike), but it's even more important when someone is borrowing your characters for their story. So, I plan to be better and I really hope I will succeed. Also, constantly updating things is not good for me either (I forget half of the stuff and get confused, which is...not ideal)

Try and work on all the other asks I have queued. They include a second unusual OC/creator questions ask from @fishing4stars, four more from @lucifers-legions (three character asks and one fic-request), one from @dilettantefeminist, one from @jhelenivarsimae, one from @quillofspirit and two from @saurongorthaur9 (one character ask and one fic-request). I have started some of these and for others I had ideas which I momentarily abandoned/discarded. What I am trying to say is that I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN about these and that I'm working on them. I wish I could put things out more quickly, but...you know me by now. I'm slow. And I wish I wasn't.

Try and be more organized. I have a bunch of random files and notes that need to be neatly stored somewhere. My brain is a mess as it is and it doesn't need any more distractions.

Speaking of distractions...Tumblr (and social media in general) happens to be one. While I love scrolling through my feed here...it prevents me from actually writing and planning. Which is why I think it won't be surprising if I take even longer breaks from it. Despite this, I would like to keep in contact with all the awesome people I've met on here so. You can text me on Insta (I can give it to you via text on here) or you can email me if you like. Just text me and we'll talk about it. I'll still come back to Tumblr every once in a while (I'll never deactivate my account or things like that), but...I think I need to take drastic measures to stay focused and actually update my fics. I'll come back here to reply to the asks I get and to comments and texts I might get, but I don't think I'll ever be as active as I once was. Maybe I will be again one day, but I need to work on my concentration skills first (I honestly think I might have ADHD and I kind of would like to get it checked out. I've been doing some reading about it and most of the symptoms I have are a match for ADHD. It might also not be the case, but...I don't know.)

Update (sometime down the line) my masterlist, make it more pretty to look at and make a headcanon list to be kept in my files and also to be posted here. Most of my asks are buried somewhere and I need to keep them all in the same place so that I can easily find them. Not urgent, but also...quite urgent.

All in all, I would like to thank all of you for your continued support and thank you for putting up with me. 💕

I understand I can be a pain and I'm sorry (I'm honestly starting to think Enna and I are the same person. She's just way more unlucky)

PS: *As a testament to my overthinking, it seems I cannot stop thinking about that darn prologue (it's been LITERAL HOURS since I first queued this post and it's been haunting me ever since). Ioreth's characterization is my main issue with it at the moment, but, on second thoughts, I suppose that the whole "personality change" issue could be attributed to her acting nice while Enna was a young child in an attempt to gain her trust and manipulate her into thinking that she was way better than her mother. That's kind of plausible. She basically gaslighted her throughout her childhood and started showing her true colors when Enna grew up and started to "rebel". Okay, that's more or less fine, I suppose.

It's just that the prologue is set in Ithilien and the first chapter is literally a year later in Minas Tirith and she's already met Mairon. Mmm...🤔

Should I add a few chapters in between showing Enna's pre-drama daily life, her lessons with the most sensible tutor in Middle-earth aka Finnas, her moving to Minas Tirith with Faramir and Elboron, introduce her two main attendants and address the differences between her life in Ithilien and in Minas Tirith? Should I also include a chapter where she meets Mairon and he starts manipulating right off the bat?

I'm literally debating whether I should rewrite the story from the start [the most complicated option what will probably cause me to abandon the fic altogether], add the extra chapters between the prologue and Chapter 1 [if that ends up happening, the prologue will go back to being Chapter 1 and the other chapters will follow accordingly], or just delete the prologue and leave everything else as it is now [the easiest option]

In any case, I doubt I'll be able to post anything before next October/November, my ultimate deadline being early to mid 2026.

IF I DON'T UPDATE BY THEN...then you're allowed to consider the story officially discontinued/abandoned.

Writing LOI requires a lot of work and hopefully finishing off the one-shots first will give me inspo and motivation to work on the story. If not, Elenwë and all my OCs will only live in my mind and in the one-shots that are already posted.

Also, all the planned fics I listed on my masterlist... probably won't happen either. Let's be realistic, I'll never ever get to them in this lifetime. I get distracted too often, I can't meet deadlines and I'm never satisfied with my own work. I am never happy about it. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for writing. Maybe I should stop writing right this instant.

Lastly, I would like to thank all of my moots for their unwavering support. I have met so many wonderful people here and, even if I stop writing, I'll always keep reading and commenting!

[villain-disorder]

The thing is, I'll never know if it's me as the problem. I will never know if people really don't show they care enough, or in the right ways--or if I will never be happy because the wiring of my brain will never accept however people express care as truth. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust that people care, that it will get better and people have my back, or feel comforted by anything.

I don't know what to say to people when they ask how to help. "Show me you care" is so fucking vague, and I don't know what to answer with if I'm asked how to do that. I don't know what my brain will accept. On one hand I have no idea how to help myself, and my psychologist doesn't seem to either--it feels like I will never heal or feel secure. On the other, if I knew how to help myself, the things people could say to calm me, and I explained to them how.... Would they feel fake because I spelled it out for them? Would my mind just twist their care into an act of silencing me?

I am so, so tired. I hold so much in so that I don't hurt people. I don't lash out and yell at people about how little they seem to care, I don't touch anyone, I don't even blame anyone but myself. All this weight applied to myself to protect others from my pain, and even at my most paletable and small and weak, no one can help.

Mind you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just severely hurting, and every time I get into a place like this, it feels awkward, or just another "wait till he shuts up and then act like it never happened". I don't feel like I'm ever taken seriously by anyone in my life, sometimes.

[habitual-creatures]

HERE ONE MOMENT . . .

GONE THE NEXT

I can't tell what's real... He's back... but he isn't... I heard him, I saw him... then he was gone...

This doesn't seem like him... Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?

Can you see him too, or am I just losing my mind...?

[alectoperdita]

Hey, I saw you hadn’t posted in a while and I hope you’re doing okay. I’m sorry if you’ve been going through a hard time lately, and if that’s the case I hope you have some better days soon. Please take care <3

In news that probably surprises no one, I am struggling.

Thank you for your kind sentiments, anon. Hope you are better off than I am.

[evangelistofmurder]

Paranoia is getting worse

[mars-ipan]

worst thing abt anxiety attacks for me is that while i've gotten good at Managing them and generally Preventing them i still have no clue what to do to Make Them Stop once they're here. i just have to accept that i'm gonna feel vaguely Bad in the background for a week or two

[why-ami-not-asleep]

brother just told me and my mom tht his all the work he does is undervalued in this house and like. what the literal fuck

[pikslasrce]

bro i was asleep for less than an hour and im back here already 😍😍😍

[reel-fear]

👁️👁️

You must tell 👀

*rubs my little hands together* sorry for taking a bit on answering this! My brain has not been braining lately but your ask couldn't have come at a better time bc Grant has been on the mind as of late and I am hyped at the excuse to infodump abt him- [this is gonna be long I am so sorry-]

now for quick disclaimers for anyone reading this that isnt the asker or me- we're not discussing canon Grant Cohen, we're talking my Grant, this black haired dude, that guy. Another fun disclaimer, I was HEAVILY, inspired by Grant's role/character in abomination for my Grant. Taking time to awknowledge every part of his character or story that was inspired by it would make this 10x longer so if similarities are spotted know its very likely I did that on purpose bc I just really love abomination KJHFSDGKJDHGSD-

Alright with that outta the way I'ma talk a lot abt what happens to Grant in the canon of Showtime to explain what I meant and also maybe a bit of me rambling about aus that explore Grants relationship with Sammy n Joey under a more romantic lens. Should be obvious but spoilers for It's Showtime down below~

So Grant in Showtime after he dies ends up joining the ink demon cult, becoming a lost one and earning the title of The Priest.

When the cult was all together him and Sammy worked together to run it. Sammy used his connection to the ink demon to recieve messages and learn more on how to survive in this new situation and Grant made sure the lost ones acted accordingly. [A role not so far off from the one he was forced to take when the studio started facing troubles before his death] Grant also took the job of dealing with sacrificing souls and sending them back to the dark puddles, which sometimes was members of the following chosen at random and sometimes whatever poor soul found themselves captured by them.

However when Malice rose from the puddles and made a deal with the Projectionist to seize a considerable amount of the studio as theirs, the cult was split up, Sammy and Jack forced to flee to the music department and Grant with the rest of the following being down in the area of Chapter 4. This put Grant in a very bad spot, the lost ones were very shaken by this event and since then Grant worries their faith in him has wavered.

An important thing with the ink demon cult was that it is meant to be a more realistic take on how a cult works. The Ink Demon runs the cult, he is the most powerful figure in it and yet the hardest to contact, so Grant and Sammy are little more than middlemen tasked with keeping things running or else they face the ink demon's wrath. Sammy is sadly very aware that the ink demon is not as benevolent as he or the lost ones would like the believe. Grant likes to think being the Priest will at the very least protect him if things go wrong, but he is sadly mistaken.

Grant is in a very dangerous spot, he knows the lost ones beneath him are getting angsty and worried about just how truthfully safe the cult is or if they should believe in the power of the ink demon. But he also knows if things fall apart the lost ones will come to tear him apart long before they go for the ink demon. Despite him merely being a puppet for their lord. A role Grant is not ready to acknowledge, not because he isn't smart enough to see he is just a pawn, but because he chooses not to think about it, less his paranoia eat him alive yet again... A very important thing to keep in mind with Grants character.

Grant did in fact play this role in life as well however, when things started going wrong in the studio, Joey was very quick to turn away from what was going on and continue asserting everything would be fine. Which while a lie he himself believed was a lie nonetheless. However Grant quickly became his right hand man as people like Thomas and Wally started noticing cracks forming all through out the studio. Staff going missing, the ink changing in the way it behaved and an eerie feeling the machine created in both of them.

Grant despite deep down being smart enough to know things were going poorly, parroted Joey's words, hanging off of them himself and doing whatever he could to shut down any attempts to bring to light the things going wrong. Of course, him and Joey both ended up paying the price for their lies, but so did everyone else around them. But unlike Sammy, Grant barely even seemed shaken to see that, like a conspiracy theorist seeing evidence their theory isn't true only makes them double down harder, Grant only seemed to double down on the idea that if he followed every order he was given. Surely things would turn out better this time.

So that's canon to the story of Showtime, but I do want to take a second to get some AU non canon ideas out of my brain centering around Grant and his relationship to both Joey n Sammy. In canon Grant's only romantic interest is Thomas, his literal husband and there is a lot of interesting conflict there, but I fucking love shipping so of course I have a million aus merely indulging in ships I think would also be interesting to explore in their own contexts. In this case, I'm gonna ramble a bit about Sammy x Grant and Grant x Joey and the interesting things I think there are to explore in their relationships in Showtime.

So you might've noticed that while not literally [as saying the ink demon is Joey in Showtime, while somewhat true, is not the entire truth of the situation and simplifies it quite a bit] Grant did end up following Joey to the grave... And then kept following him beyond it. Something that is objectively~ very queer of him.

There's just something so compelling about the idea of Grant yearning for Joey so much, being so close yet so far as his right hand man but not being brave enough to become his lover eventually drove Grant's love for Joey to become an outright obsession. The idea that Grant's feelings for Joey became so intense from how hard he pushed them down it blinded him from seeing the truth of the situation outside of the way Joey painted it. Then dying and his obsession turning into an outright worship of him.

The idea of Grant settling for just being Joey's favorite lackey, his most loyal pet and knowing that's his role but not caring bc at least it makes him stay by Joey's side. Ohh it's an interesting one to say the least. I even did a few sketches of them u can see-

They are doomed by the narrative to me and have been on my mind a lot lately can ya tell? KJDHSFGKJHDFSGKJHDFGSD

However when it comes to Sammy and Grant, I think there is a lot of interesting potential between them too. After all they share being the Ink Demon's henchmen in all of this and to see them both come to terms with that and try to find comfort in each other is such a fun idea to me.

An au where they both decide to ditch the cult and the ink demon and on their own try to figure out what happened to Joey and how to fix things is very compelling to me. I could see their relationship starting out as doing all these things for each other under the excuse they just need comfort until it starts to turn to actual feelings for each other. Both of them coming to terms with the fact Joey was not in fact a perfect person and maybe didn't even know how bad things were getting deep down himself but also finally letting themselves hold him accountable for the lies he told... It's a very fun healing narrative and very in line with a lot of the themes It's Showtime deals with.

Either way, I just really love what I've done with Grant's character in It's Showtime, he's for sure one of the most fascinating to me and the themes his story explores are ones that are important to the story as a whole and by extension me. Umm this turned out very long but I hope u enjoyed the read! Tysm for the excuse to infodump abt him, I was itching for one as u can see KDJHGKJDHFGKJDHFGSD.

[elytrafemme]

i need this guy who is viewed by literally everyone who has ever met him including myself as one of the kindest most genuine people ever to stop being fucking scared of me and ANSWER MY TEXTS!!!

[lightningfilledsaber]

Ever hear a song that you KNOW is something someone you cut off is fucking playing to act all sad and mopey about you leaving? Follow up question: how do keep yourself from beating the shit out of someone without feeling like you're going to literally explode

[d1llyd0p]

newest tyler song is my schizophrenic anthem

[evangelistofmurder]

How do you deal with paranoia?? /gq

Just read the tags,,

[mars-ipan]

having anxiety sucks so bad when you might have a slight medical problem