#that's my paranoia speaking for me i know

[catchastarorten]

—Sleep well.

Pairing: Kang Dae-ho x fem!reader

Summary: Gi-hun suggested that the group took turns staying on watch in case the other players attacked, him and Jung-bae stayed up while you and the others napped, Dae-ho took his place beside you to rest with you.

Content: fluff, cuddling(?), you head-butting him in your sleep lol, English isn’t my first language, mistakes should be present, not really proofread, sorry!

Word count: 808

You were tucked into the corner with your group—Gi-hun, Jung-bae, Young-il, Dae-ho, and Jun-hee. Trust was a rare thing in the games, but the six of you managed to stick together, watching each other’s backs through the brutal rounds.

The weight of exhaustion clung to you, but Gi-hun’s paranoia kept your eyes open longer than you would have liked. He wasn’t wrong, though. The fear was palpable.

Your group pulled a couple of mattresses off of the bunks, arranging them as best as possible. One was dragged and laid flat against the wall, the others shoved under bunk frames for some semblance of protection.

“Is this really necessary? I don’t like sleeping under there.” Jung-bae asked, sliding a mattress to Gi-hun, who shoved it under a bunk frame.

“Once the lights go out, somebody might attack us.” Gi-hun said, his eyes focused and his voice steady. “The prize money still goes up if we kill each other. It’s a part of the game they designed.”

You exchanged a look with Dae-ho, who sat cross-legged beside you, holding onto some blankets and pillows. He had been your shadow ever since Red light, Green light. Always sticking close, insisting on protecting you in this place after seeing the way you froze during the first game—when he told you to stay behind him closely so you could use him as a human shield.

“We need to take turns keeping watch after the lights go out.” Gi-hun muttered, sitting down at the foot of the bunk beds, his sharp eyes scanning the room. “I’ll take the first watch.”

The lights flickered out not long after, leaving the only source being the giant piggy-bank hung on the ceiling that was glowing dimly.

It was after a while when Jung-bae rolled out lazily from under a bunk and plopped down beside Gi-hun, the two of them speaking in hushed voices.

You laid down on one of the mattresses, wrapping the thin blanket around yourself. Dae-ho settled beside you not long after, and though you weren’t expecting it, his hand brushed against yours as he shifted to get comfortable, and you were sure you saw his face flush before he hid it, which barely worked, to be honest.

“Don’t worry,” he mumbled, his voice low and soothing. “I’ll keep you safe. I’ll fight them off if they try to come over here.”

The sincerity in his words made your heart ache in the best way. Dae-ho had a knack for looking out for you since you met him in the games, even in the little ways—giving you his portion of food, stepping in when someone got too close. You hadn’t known him long, but there was this easy warmth between the two of you.

Within minutes, you were sound asleep.

Dae-ho’s soft snores filled the small space you both shared. Exhaustion had gotten the better of him, just like it did to you. His arm had draped protectively over your side in his sleep, his presence a cocoon of safety.

Gi-hun and Jung-bae sat near the bunks, their attention now drawn to the sound of soft snoring. Both sets of eyes landed on you and Dae-ho, curled up together on the mattress.

“They’re out like a light,” Jung-bae remarked, a hint of amusement in his voice. “You know, seeing them like that... it reminds me of when we went on strike. We were occupying the factory, and management told us to come out. They said anyone who came out voluntarily would be let off the hook and receive more severance pay.”

Gi-hun stared into the distance, as if recalling what happened.

“You were sleeping beside me and you were talking in your sleep. ‘Mom, I’m hungry, give me some food.’” Jung-bae made an exaggerated crying face, and Gi-hun gave him a glare as Jung-bae nudged him with his elbow, smirking.

Their voices echoed, and soon enough, soft laughs filled the quietness.

Jung-bae chuckled again, louder this time. He clapped a hand over his mouth, but it was too late. The noise had reached you, and you stirred slightly. Dae-ho, still asleep, curled closer to you instinctively, his arm tightening around your side. His movement caused your head to shift slightly, and without warning, you head-butted him in your half-asleep state of grogginess.

Dae-ho furrowed his brows, a soft noise escaping his lips as he shifted again, burying his face into the crook of his arm. You tugged the blanket over your shoulders, muttering something incoherent before nestling deeper into the mattress, falling right back asleep.

Jung-bae stifled another laugh, his shoulders shaking with the effort. Gi-hun gave him a glare, but a faint smile was already tugging at the corners of his mouth too.

“They’re like kids,” Jung-bae whispered, his tone fond.

“Let them sleep. They’ll need it.” Gi-hun shook his head and sighed softly.

[annabawritersdream]

IMPORTANT!

I've seen some of my moots post New Year Resolution lists/To-do lists so I thought I'd share mine. It contains important information my mutuals deserve to know.

I suppose you all don't remember my WIP The Lady of Ithilien.

Don't worry, it's a very small thing I've never really talked about. Enna? Eönwë? I don't know who these people are (just kidding, of course). Well, I have to announce that it will no longer be a WIP. It won't be a WIP for a long time, since I don't plan on posting new chapters until the latter part of this year and possibly even early 2026.

Much has changed since I posted chapter 3 back in April. I've created many, many, many OCs and some of them will appear in the story quite soon. As such, I need to have them completely (or semi-completely) figured out (full names, lineage, background, personality and role within the plot) BEFORE I start writing about them.

This is why answering character asks will be my main priority for early 2025 at the very least. I need to know who my characters are before I write them and make a mess. Please send as many asks as you can (even random questions), so that I can flesh them out as much as possible. Even stupid questions are okay. Seemingly stupid questions—I reckon questions are never stupid—are actually the best because they force me to think. Trust me, I do need to think 😂 it's the overthinking part that which I don't like.

I was re-reading the LOI prologue last night and I couldn't help but notice how different Ioreth's personality is if compared to how I wrote her character just two chapters later. She sort of has some of the same traits, but she's much more gentle and understanding in the prologue than she is later, and I don't think Enna "misbehaving" could trigger such a massive change in her personality if she hadn't shown signs of being a complete b*tch beforehand. Luckily for me, I haven't written much yet, so that issue could be easily solved by deleting the prologue and reposting it separately as a general introduction to Enna as a character. I have already copied the prologue in my AO3 drafts in case I decide go through with it, but I will wait a while longer before I make a decision since I'm notoriously volatile and change my mind every five seconds about everything. This example is just to show how writing instinctively and without thinking can impact things in the long run, so I definitely need to develop my characters. That's the first thing I intend to do this year.

Second, I need to finish the Tolkien OC Week one-shots that should've been done by the end of this past August. I am still working on the one-shot for Day 5 and I have changed my mind about the prompt for Day 6 at least a billion times. I have to expand the one for Day 7 and finish the one-shot for day 1 (Maiarin world-building is the stuff of nightmares).

Plus, I need to make sure that I don't further change my mind about things I've already written, which is something I unfortunately always end up doing. I change my mind all the time and it's honestly kind of debilitating at this point. I feel like I'll never finish anything and it's disheartening.

I legit can't stop coming up with newer ideas that I think are better than the old ones and replacing stuff I've already written with new scenarios. The thing is, my excitement wears off pretty quickly and I soon get even better ideas that quickly replace the new ones. It's a never-ending cycle which needs to stop ASAP.

I do plan to make some changes to the LOI chapters I've already posted. I'll edit the story before I resume posting later this year/next year. I've planned the following changes so far:

Possibly take out the prologue and reposting it separately [the reasons for this change are mentioned above]. Should that be the case, LOI will start with chapter 1. I haven't really made up my mind about this though. I kind of don't want to delete it because, in doing so, I would lose all my comments and comments are very important to me, but I suppose I could screenshot them, print them and frame them 😂

Change Eönwë's Quenya lines in what is now Chapter 2 to Valarin. I mean, the guy is basically in a coma and starts speaking in a second/third language? I know that Maiar and Valar are supposed to be more or less masters of all languages, but I think it would make much more sense if he muttered stuff in Valarin rather than Quenya. I did not think of this when I first wrote the chapter a year ago and I wasn't not yet obsessed with Turkish period dramas.

Carefully review the parts of Chapter 4 that I have already written and make major adjustments. Write new parts that make more sense considering the events that have just occurred story-wise (don't worry, I won't discard anything. The "current" chapter 4 will be pushed back in the timeline and possibly become Chapter 7 or 8.

Pay a lot more attention to grammar and spelling. I usually don't mind it when other writers make spelling mistakes, but when it happens to me...it's a whole other matter entirely. I've been learning English for a long time and the fact that I still make that kind of mistakes—mostly due to distraction—really irks me. I'm talking capitalization issues, wrong vowels and such. I know how to write correctly and I cannot stress how I roll my eyes whenever I spot misspelled words I perfectly know how to write. And it usually happens after re-reading the same paragraph four or five times.

Stop adding lore to asks I've already posted. How are people going to keep up if I keep adding more and more things? I literally posted the Eleniel/Celebrían ask on New Year's Day and I've edited the post twice already because I obviously came up with slightly different concepts and ideas. It's been two days and I have no doubt I'll come up with slightly different variations of things anytime I re-read the post. I don't think it's fair to the person who sent the ask (@lucifers-legions in this case, but it could be anyone) to keep changing things. I never do it on purpose (it's more of an impulse things), but I need to make decisions and stick to them. People should be able to read the answers to my asks without stressing over what I'm going to change. This applies to everyone sending asks (anons and mutuals alike), but it's even more important when someone is borrowing your characters for their story. So, I plan to be better and I really hope I will succeed. Also, constantly updating things is not good for me either (I forget half of the stuff and get confused, which is...not ideal)

Try and work on all the other asks I have queued. They include a second unusual OC/creator questions ask from @fishing4stars, four more from @lucifers-legions (three character asks and one fic-request), one from @dilettantefeminist, one from @jhelenivarsimae, one from @quillofspirit and two from @saurongorthaur9 (one character ask and one fic-request). I have started some of these and for others I had ideas which I momentarily abandoned/discarded. What I am trying to say is that I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN about these and that I'm working on them. I wish I could put things out more quickly, but...you know me by now. I'm slow. And I wish I wasn't.

Try and be more organized. I have a bunch of random files and notes that need to be neatly stored somewhere. My brain is a mess as it is and it doesn't need any more distractions.

Speaking of distractions...Tumblr (and social media in general) happens to be one. While I love scrolling through my feed here...it prevents me from actually writing and planning. Which is why I think it won't be surprising if I take even longer breaks from it. Despite this, I would like to keep in contact with all the awesome people I've met on here so. You can text me on Insta (I can give it to you via text on here) or you can email me if you like. Just text me and we'll talk about it. I'll still come back to Tumblr every once in a while (I'll never deactivate my account or things like that), but...I think I need to take drastic measures to stay focused and actually update my fics. I'll come back here to reply to the asks I get and to comments and texts I might get, but I don't think I'll ever be as active as I once was. Maybe I will be again one day, but I need to work on my concentration skills first (I honestly think I might have ADHD and I kind of would like to get it checked out. I've been doing some reading about it and most of the symptoms I have are a match for ADHD. It might also not be the case, but...I don't know.)

Update (sometime down the line) my masterlist, make it more pretty to look at and make a headcanon list to be kept in my files and also to be posted here. Most of my asks are buried somewhere and I need to keep them all in the same place so that I can easily find them. Not urgent, but also...quite urgent.

All in all, I would like to thank all of you for your continued support and thank you for putting up with me. 💕

I understand I can be a pain and I'm sorry (I'm honestly starting to think Enna and I are the same person. She's just way more unlucky)

PS: *As a testament to my overthinking, it seems I cannot stop thinking about that darn prologue (it's been LITERAL HOURS since I first queued this post and it's been haunting me ever since). Ioreth's characterization is my main issue with it at the moment, but, on second thoughts, I suppose that the whole "personality change" issue could be attributed to her acting nice while Enna was a young child in an attempt to gain her trust and manipulate her into thinking that she was way better than her mother. That's kind of plausible. She basically gaslighted her throughout her childhood and started showing her true colors when Enna grew up and started to "rebel". Okay, that's more or less fine, I suppose.

It's just that the prologue is set in Ithilien and the first chapter is literally a year later in Minas Tirith and she's already met Mairon. Mmm...🤔

Should I add a few chapters in between showing Enna's pre-drama daily life, her lessons with the most sensible tutor in Middle-earth aka Finnas, her moving to Minas Tirith with Faramir and Elboron, introduce her two main attendants and address the differences between her life in Ithilien and in Minas Tirith? Should I also include a chapter where she meets Mairon and he starts manipulating right off the bat?

I'm literally debating whether I should rewrite the story from the start [the most complicated option what will probably cause me to abandon the fic altogether], add the extra chapters between the prologue and Chapter 1 [if that ends up happening, the prologue will go back to being Chapter 1 and the other chapters will follow accordingly], or just delete the prologue and leave everything else as it is now [the easiest option]

In any case, I doubt I'll be able to post anything before next October/November, my ultimate deadline being early to mid 2026.

IF I DON'T UPDATE BY THEN...then you're allowed to consider the story officially discontinued/abandoned.

Writing LOI requires a lot of work and hopefully finishing off the one-shots first will give me inspo and motivation to work on the story. If not, Elenwë and all my OCs will only live in my mind and in the one-shots that are already posted.

Also, all the planned fics I listed on my masterlist... probably won't happen either. Let's be realistic, I'll never ever get to them in this lifetime. I get distracted too often, I can't meet deadlines and I'm never satisfied with my own work. I am never happy about it. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for writing. Maybe I should stop writing right this instant.

Lastly, I would like to thank all of my moots for their unwavering support. I have met so many wonderful people here and, even if I stop writing, I'll always keep reading and commenting!

[villain-disorder]

The thing is, I'll never know if it's me as the problem. I will never know if people really don't show they care enough, or in the right ways--or if I will never be happy because the wiring of my brain will never accept however people express care as truth. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust that people care, that it will get better and people have my back, or feel comforted by anything.

I don't know what to say to people when they ask how to help. "Show me you care" is so fucking vague, and I don't know what to answer with if I'm asked how to do that. I don't know what my brain will accept. On one hand I have no idea how to help myself, and my psychologist doesn't seem to either--it feels like I will never heal or feel secure. On the other, if I knew how to help myself, the things people could say to calm me, and I explained to them how.... Would they feel fake because I spelled it out for them? Would my mind just twist their care into an act of silencing me?

I am so, so tired. I hold so much in so that I don't hurt people. I don't lash out and yell at people about how little they seem to care, I don't touch anyone, I don't even blame anyone but myself. All this weight applied to myself to protect others from my pain, and even at my most paletable and small and weak, no one can help.

Mind you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just severely hurting, and every time I get into a place like this, it feels awkward, or just another "wait till he shuts up and then act like it never happened". I don't feel like I'm ever taken seriously by anyone in my life, sometimes.

[habitual-creatures]

HERE ONE MOMENT . . .

GONE THE NEXT

I can't tell what's real... He's back... but he isn't... I heard him, I saw him... then he was gone...

This doesn't seem like him... Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?

Can you see him too, or am I just losing my mind...?

[alectoperdita]

Hey, I saw you hadn’t posted in a while and I hope you’re doing okay. I’m sorry if you’ve been going through a hard time lately, and if that’s the case I hope you have some better days soon. Please take care <3

In news that probably surprises no one, I am struggling.

Thank you for your kind sentiments, anon. Hope you are better off than I am.

[evangelistofmurder]

Paranoia is getting worse

[mars-ipan]

worst thing abt anxiety attacks for me is that while i've gotten good at Managing them and generally Preventing them i still have no clue what to do to Make Them Stop once they're here. i just have to accept that i'm gonna feel vaguely Bad in the background for a week or two

[reel-fear]

👁️👁️

You must tell 👀

*rubs my little hands together* sorry for taking a bit on answering this! My brain has not been braining lately but your ask couldn't have come at a better time bc Grant has been on the mind as of late and I am hyped at the excuse to infodump abt him- [this is gonna be long I am so sorry-]

now for quick disclaimers for anyone reading this that isnt the asker or me- we're not discussing canon Grant Cohen, we're talking my Grant, this black haired dude, that guy. Another fun disclaimer, I was HEAVILY, inspired by Grant's role/character in abomination for my Grant. Taking time to awknowledge every part of his character or story that was inspired by it would make this 10x longer so if similarities are spotted know its very likely I did that on purpose bc I just really love abomination KJHFSDGKJDHGSD-

Alright with that outta the way I'ma talk a lot abt what happens to Grant in the canon of Showtime to explain what I meant and also maybe a bit of me rambling about aus that explore Grants relationship with Sammy n Joey under a more romantic lens. Should be obvious but spoilers for It's Showtime down below~

So Grant in Showtime after he dies ends up joining the ink demon cult, becoming a lost one and earning the title of The Priest.

When the cult was all together him and Sammy worked together to run it. Sammy used his connection to the ink demon to recieve messages and learn more on how to survive in this new situation and Grant made sure the lost ones acted accordingly. [A role not so far off from the one he was forced to take when the studio started facing troubles before his death] Grant also took the job of dealing with sacrificing souls and sending them back to the dark puddles, which sometimes was members of the following chosen at random and sometimes whatever poor soul found themselves captured by them.

However when Malice rose from the puddles and made a deal with the Projectionist to seize a considerable amount of the studio as theirs, the cult was split up, Sammy and Jack forced to flee to the music department and Grant with the rest of the following being down in the area of Chapter 4. This put Grant in a very bad spot, the lost ones were very shaken by this event and since then Grant worries their faith in him has wavered.

An important thing with the ink demon cult was that it is meant to be a more realistic take on how a cult works. The Ink Demon runs the cult, he is the most powerful figure in it and yet the hardest to contact, so Grant and Sammy are little more than middlemen tasked with keeping things running or else they face the ink demon's wrath. Sammy is sadly very aware that the ink demon is not as benevolent as he or the lost ones would like the believe. Grant likes to think being the Priest will at the very least protect him if things go wrong, but he is sadly mistaken.

Grant is in a very dangerous spot, he knows the lost ones beneath him are getting angsty and worried about just how truthfully safe the cult is or if they should believe in the power of the ink demon. But he also knows if things fall apart the lost ones will come to tear him apart long before they go for the ink demon. Despite him merely being a puppet for their lord. A role Grant is not ready to acknowledge, not because he isn't smart enough to see he is just a pawn, but because he chooses not to think about it, less his paranoia eat him alive yet again... A very important thing to keep in mind with Grants character.

Grant did in fact play this role in life as well however, when things started going wrong in the studio, Joey was very quick to turn away from what was going on and continue asserting everything would be fine. Which while a lie he himself believed was a lie nonetheless. However Grant quickly became his right hand man as people like Thomas and Wally started noticing cracks forming all through out the studio. Staff going missing, the ink changing in the way it behaved and an eerie feeling the machine created in both of them.

Grant despite deep down being smart enough to know things were going poorly, parroted Joey's words, hanging off of them himself and doing whatever he could to shut down any attempts to bring to light the things going wrong. Of course, him and Joey both ended up paying the price for their lies, but so did everyone else around them. But unlike Sammy, Grant barely even seemed shaken to see that, like a conspiracy theorist seeing evidence their theory isn't true only makes them double down harder, Grant only seemed to double down on the idea that if he followed every order he was given. Surely things would turn out better this time.

So that's canon to the story of Showtime, but I do want to take a second to get some AU non canon ideas out of my brain centering around Grant and his relationship to both Joey n Sammy. In canon Grant's only romantic interest is Thomas, his literal husband and there is a lot of interesting conflict there, but I fucking love shipping so of course I have a million aus merely indulging in ships I think would also be interesting to explore in their own contexts. In this case, I'm gonna ramble a bit about Sammy x Grant and Grant x Joey and the interesting things I think there are to explore in their relationships in Showtime.

So you might've noticed that while not literally [as saying the ink demon is Joey in Showtime, while somewhat true, is not the entire truth of the situation and simplifies it quite a bit] Grant did end up following Joey to the grave... And then kept following him beyond it. Something that is objectively~ very queer of him.

There's just something so compelling about the idea of Grant yearning for Joey so much, being so close yet so far as his right hand man but not being brave enough to become his lover eventually drove Grant's love for Joey to become an outright obsession. The idea that Grant's feelings for Joey became so intense from how hard he pushed them down it blinded him from seeing the truth of the situation outside of the way Joey painted it. Then dying and his obsession turning into an outright worship of him.

The idea of Grant settling for just being Joey's favorite lackey, his most loyal pet and knowing that's his role but not caring bc at least it makes him stay by Joey's side. Ohh it's an interesting one to say the least. I even did a few sketches of them u can see-

They are doomed by the narrative to me and have been on my mind a lot lately can ya tell? KJDHSFGKJHDFSGKJHDFGSD

However when it comes to Sammy and Grant, I think there is a lot of interesting potential between them too. After all they share being the Ink Demon's henchmen in all of this and to see them both come to terms with that and try to find comfort in each other is such a fun idea to me.

An au where they both decide to ditch the cult and the ink demon and on their own try to figure out what happened to Joey and how to fix things is very compelling to me. I could see their relationship starting out as doing all these things for each other under the excuse they just need comfort until it starts to turn to actual feelings for each other. Both of them coming to terms with the fact Joey was not in fact a perfect person and maybe didn't even know how bad things were getting deep down himself but also finally letting themselves hold him accountable for the lies he told... It's a very fun healing narrative and very in line with a lot of the themes It's Showtime deals with.

Either way, I just really love what I've done with Grant's character in It's Showtime, he's for sure one of the most fascinating to me and the themes his story explores are ones that are important to the story as a whole and by extension me. Umm this turned out very long but I hope u enjoyed the read! Tysm for the excuse to infodump abt him, I was itching for one as u can see KDJHGKJDHFGKJDHFGSD.

[elytrafemme]

i need this guy who is viewed by literally everyone who has ever met him including myself as one of the kindest most genuine people ever to stop being fucking scared of me and ANSWER MY TEXTS!!!

[lightningfilledsaber]

Ever hear a song that you KNOW is something someone you cut off is fucking playing to act all sad and mopey about you leaving? Follow up question: how do keep yourself from beating the shit out of someone without feeling like you're going to literally explode

[d1llyd0p]

newest tyler song is my schizophrenic anthem

[boatemboys]

getting my physical shit looked at before my mental shit was such a bad idea ngl. its all well and good telling me that i need to lose weight and exercise multiple times a day or whatever but i can barely get out of bed and that isnt a physical thing. what do.

[evangelistofmurder]

How do you deal with paranoia?? /gq

Just read the tags,,

[mars-ipan]

having anxiety sucks so bad when you might have a slight medical problem

[pumpkin-n-mc]

thinking about jack who likes to play dress up when he’s little, getting a necklace from his cg that’s just a subtle reminder. it’s very comforting to wear when he regresses alone, because if he gets scared or spirals he can hold the pendant and know he’s not alone, that his cg will help hhim.

[angeltism]

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE ok so the meetup for gi cosplayers is on a day im nawt going to comicon . . . but the general gaming one IS so i can go to that instead !! :3