#that's just my lovely ever nagging anxiety transferring into every thing I do

[humaforever]

Creating a secondary account is constantly second guessing which account I just reblogged something on.

[beckwritesfiction]

Slow Ride - Chapter 1 

CHAPTER INDEX: X

Notes: This is the first time I've shared any of my fan fiction in around ten years. I've grown as a writer, but I wanted to do something just for fun. This follows Bob falling in love with a fellow Top Gun graduate, and Hangman getting a reality check and falling a woman unlike anyone he's ever been with before. I've taken some liberties with their back stories, but overall I think it's fairly accurate. There are some cliches in here for the fun of it. Why would Maverick have an assistant? Because it's convenient for my plot. But trust me, you'll love it. With this series, I promise a lot. Sometimes soft hangman. A well-written Bob. Anxiety representation.

Summary: Henrietta follows Maverick to his new assignment and meets an unsuspecting Hangman her first night in town.

Word Count: 2.8k

ARRIVAL: HENRIETTA

Henrietta had never considered herself adventurous.  Maybe that was why she was so on edge every time Maverick did something she knew wasn’t allowed.  If he was fired, she would be, too.  At least that was what she thought every time, but the worst that happened was a transfer.  The day Cain was ready to shut their operation down, she thought that was the day she would actually get fired.  

While they waited for Mav’s arrival, they knew he would find a way to not listen.  And they agreed they’d play dumb, otherwise they’d be in just as deep as him.  She, however, could not be dishonorably or honorably discharged.  She was just the person that fetched the papers and made the coffee.  But she didn’t like tension.  She wasn’t even sure she liked it when more than a few people were in a room at a time, let alone high-ranking officials and seasoned veterans.

Hen had been housebound for six months after what happened.  She had no confidence in being about to go into society again, and taking a walk with the man she called her uncle as a child seemed to be the only thing she looked forward to.  Online classes were hard, but they were better than none at all.  The idea that she could find a way to make money without needing to deal with everyday people was appealing.

“I’ve called you like ten times,” she said tensely when Mav dismounted his bike.  

“That’s the beauty of these things.  You can’t even feel the vibration of your telephone,” he said.

“No one calls it a telephone anymore.”  He began to walk, and she followed.  “If you want to run the test, you’ll have to do it fast.  Cain’s on his way.  He’s shutting it down.  Hondo’s about to brief you on it.”

“Shutting it down?” he echoed, perplexed.

Hen shrugged.  “I’m assuming we have the heads up so you can run it and say ‘oops’ when you come back down.  Because you will come back down, because you’re hitting mach ten and then, you know…coming back down.”

Mav looked over at her, giving her a firm nod.  “Just like all the other tests.”  When he assured her in times like this, there was this nagging feeling in the back of her mind.  He was confident, and confident people scared her because there was such a large margin for things to go terribly wrong.  How he knew every time he’d come back down, she had no idea.  Flying was something you could control until you couldn’t.  She of all people should know that. 

“I know you wanna be the guy that goes the fastest, but mach ten is fast.  It’s so fast.  Mach ten point one isn’t that much faster, and neither is ten point two.  So hit it, then come back down.  Please.  Don’t try to be Icarus.”  The team was heading toward them in the hangar, and this was her final plea. “Right now, you’re all I have left.”

“You won’t lose me over something like this,” he said, as though she should know it already.

“Anything can happen to an aircraft—”

Hondo and the team’s presence made her stop.  She wasn’t about to air out her trauma in front of a bunch of men.

Hen waited outside of Cain’s office for what felt like hours.  When Mav left, she gathered her things, closing her laptop and shoving it into her bag as she tried to keep up with him. “Good news, bad news?” she asked.  Her glasses were sliding down the bridge of her nose, so she pushed them up.

“Have you ever been a teacher’s assistant?” he inquired.

“I never got to that point before I dropped out.”

“Did you really drop out if you’re back in school?  Doing it on your laptop is just as good as doing it in a classroom.”

“I didn’t leave my house for six months,” she reminded him.

“Well, San Diego should be a nice change of scenery.  I’m going back to Top Gun.  We’ll leave in an hour.”

She let him go ahead of her, unsure if she’d be able to do it with him.  Top Gun was where it all started.  She wasn’t even sure if she would exist without it.  It was the best and worst thing that had ever happened to her.

After riding for hours, they were finally in San Diego.  He wanted to get some things settled and gave her the night off.  Knowing this was a joke, mostly because he didn’t pay her by the hour, and because he knew that he was the only person she knew in San Diego, he offered to let her make his lesson plans between studying.

What she didn’t expect was for him to take her to The Hard Deck, a bar that was crowded and loud.  Deciding it was best to give him a little privacy given his reunion with an old flame, she exiled herself to the corner.  The booth was comfortable enough, and she was able to spread out and study there.  She was there for nearly half an hour before she was snapped out of her intense focus.  The man that leaned on the corner of the table was looking at her like he expected something.  Then she realized he said something that she’d missed.

“I’m sorry?”

“I said, ‘I didn’t realize this was a college hangout.’”

He was tall, even leaning over, and his eyes were intense.  Confident.  Confidence wasn’t welcome in her world anymore.  Maverick was just about all she could take.

“Oh, yeah. I…don’t really have anywhere else to do this right now.  My uncle’s my ride, and he’s not ready to leave yet.”

There was a moment where she felt like she couldn’t breathe.  He was looking at her like he was searching for something, and she wasn’t sure there was anything for him to find.  “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked, his eyes leaving hers only to look at her dwindling glass of water.

Hen wanted to say that she was doing homework and that and drinking didn’t usually go together, but words weren’t coming to her that easily.  All she could do was nod.  Watching him, uniform and all, from her booth made her wonder why he came over to her.  She was not the only woman in the bar, but she was the only one in the corner looking like she had something to do.  Because she did.  When he sat down in front of her, he offered her a glass filled with something she couldn’t identify if she tried.  She never had the party phase of college. “Thanks,” she willed herself to say.  Now that she said one thing, she felt like she could say another.  Only she went to say it right when he spoke.  She laughed, looking at his tight lipped smile.  “Sorry, go ahead.”

“I’ve seen a lot, but I’ve never seen someone studying in a bar before.”

Her attention went back to her laptop, which she closed.  “What else is there to do?” she asked, and he laughed.  She hadn’t meant it as a joke, but she went with it as she stacked the folder and textbook against the wall.  

“What are you studying?” he asked.

“Journalism.”  She took a drink, and she resisted the urge to cringe.  It was strong, and she wasn’t used to it.

“I’m Hangman,” he said.  “Jake, but most people call me Hangman.”

Her heart sank.  If he had a call sign, he was probably Top Gun.  “Oh, it’s your call sign?”  Feeling like she couldn’t ignore him after he bought her a drink, she added, “What made you pick a name like Strawman?  Do you get tangled in a lot of debates?”  She laughed, then, genuinely, and he smiled only because she laughed.

“No, it’s hangman.”

“Oh, sorry.  It’s kind of loud in here.”

“What’s this about debating?” he asked.

“It’s the strawman argument.  When you’re debating with someone and you argue another point on purpose to throw off the original debate.”

“Why is it that I can't imagine you debating with anyone?”

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hen asked. She didn't want to be offended, but she wondered why he assumed that about her. 

He shrugged.  “I'm just saying, you're a pretty girl studying in a bar.  It’s not what I expect from you.”

She couldn't focus, then. He had called her pretty, and she wasn't sure when she had been out long enough to get anyone's attention, let alone someone who looked like him. If he was in Top Gun, he was probably cocky, and he was also probably way too confident for her liking. “Well, I'm not combative. I was just the president of the debate team in high school.”

“Oh, that’s adorable.” he grinned.  She went to speak, then didn’t.  She scanned the bar for Maverick, hoping he would interrupt so she didn't have to figure out how to tell him she wasn’t from there and not the kind of girl he was looking for.  “What’s your name?”

“Henrietta.  People never call me that, though.  Henri, Hen.”  He smiled into his drink before downing the rest of it.  She didn’t like that she couldn’t tell what he was thinking.  His smile, ever-present and now seeming a bit smug to her, threw her off.  Suddenly, she wasn’t so nervous just because he looked like a walking Barbie promo.  “What, are you used to hooking up with girls named Jenny?  You think I’m unique because I”m sitting in a corner studying at a bar, I have a unique name.  Which, yes, it sounds like it belongs to an old lady, and it did.  It’s my grandmother’s name.  You can say it all, I’ve probably heard it before.”

“When did this turn into us hooking up?” he challenged.

“Why else did you come over here?  I’m clearly not from here, and neither are you.”

“Relax, I never said it was a bad idea.  I just wondered where you made that connection.  And I’ve yet to check Jenny off my list.  I’ve been with two Nicole’s, though.  Henrietta definitely wasn’t on the list, but now it is.”

Hen began to scoot out of the booth, taking her laptop and mess of papers and documents with her.  “You’re disgusting, just like that drink.”

“It’s a Jack and Coke,” he said, much calmer than her.

“I don’t like Jack, and I don’t like Coke.  And that’s a strawman argument.  Have a great night.”  Her tone implied that she didn’t want him to have a great night, but he took it.  When she hurried her way through the packed bar, even more packed than when they arrived, she found that Maverick was not there.  The man playing the piano loudly set off the alarm bells in her head.  She didn’t want to be in the crowd and she didn’t want to be there anymore.  She wanted to go to her room and watch Gilmore Girls on her laptop under a blanket.

As she burst out the bar’s front door, she found Maverick in the parking lot.  “I was just about to call you,” he said.

“Well, no need.  I’m here. And all I want to do is go home.”

He pressed his lips together, shaking his head gently. “You can’t hang out with me forever.  You didn’t talk to one person tonight?”

“No, I actually did talk to one person, and I didn’t like it.”

As he mounted his bike, she adjusted her backpack and got on behind him. “The longer you hide yourself away from the rest of the world, the harder it’ll be to come back.  There should be more to your life besides this.”

She said nothing, mostly because she knew he was right.  But she also knew she didn’t have to sit around and have hot Top Gun graduates laugh at her name.  She liked her old lady name.  

[jenonctcity]

My Ending - Part 2

Differences – Na Jaemin

Part of the Bad Boy Series.

Badboy!Au, Streetracer!Au

Disclaimer: This is going to be a very dark themed story, please do not read if you are triggered easily by the mentioned subjects in the warnings.

Warnings: Minor Character Death, Mentions of Suicide Attempts, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Mental Health Issues (Depression and Anxiety), Mentions of Drug Use/Overdose, Mentions of Drug Addiction Effecting Baby After Birth, Explicit Content.

Word Count: 8.3K

It was only a small lie. A teensy, tiny, white lie that couldn’t hurt anyone. And it boosted Jaemin’s confidence enough for him to flirt like he wasn’t unexperienced. He had no idea how Renjun had managed to lie so much throughout his life. Every time Jaemin made up stories of fucking random girls, he felt a burning fire in the pit of his stomach from the guilt of lying about it. Still, he didn’t see the harm in lying about being a virgin. He knew the only time it would matter would be when he got a girlfriend, which is why he decided to be transparent and tell you the truth instead of lying. You gave him a raised eyebrow and wide-eyed look. He tilted his head at your reaction and gave you a knowing smirk.

“You’re a virgin?” Your voice came out higher pitched than you had expected it to, causing Jaemin to laugh softly, nodding his head in confirmation.

“I am.” He leaned in and kissed your lips hard, overcome with want for you that he couldn’t stop himself from stealing your lips in his. “Does it bother you?” He mumbled into your mouth, his hot tongue pushing against yours as his hands stroked up your thighs to your hips, his fingers digging into you from how tight his grip was.

“No, it’s kinda hot actually.” You mumbled, not drawing away from his lips. He made a deep noise that rumbled from his throat, his kisses moving from your mouth, down your jaw, and to your neck. Your eyelids became heavy as he sucked at your sensitive spot, his tongue swirling around sinfully and his hot breath coming out in puffs against you, sending shivers down your spine. “Why though? You’re so confident and flirty surely you can get any girl in bed?” He chuckled against your neck and pulled away, his lips red and glistening with spit.

“I’ve never had a girlfriend before, and I didn’t want to have sex with some random girl who would forget my name the next day.” He shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips as his fingers worked in slow circles on your waist. You felt your heart bloom like a flower in the spring at his confession, your bottom lip coming out in a pout.

“Jaemin that’s so cute, you’re adorable.” You took his face in both of your hands, squishing his cheeks together and making his own lips form into a pout. He whined and tried to draw his head back, his cheeks flaring up bright red from being called adorable. The only person who had ever called him adorable was his grandmother, and that hadn’t been for many years. “Have you ever done…like other stuff with girls though?” You tilted your head in wonder, your thoughts drifting as Jaemin’s tongue poked out between his pouted lips. You let go of his face and instead placed your hands gently on his shoulders.

“Yeah I’ve been sucked off before and eaten some pussy.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal when in fact your heart started racing at the thought of his tongue in your intimate areas. “Have you had sex?” The question was nagging at his mind until he finally couldn’t take it anymore and had to ask you.

“I have, only like three times though with my ex-boyfriend.” You smiled and shrugged. “It was…mediocre, he cared more about his own orgasms.”

“Men aint shit baby girl.” Jaemin whispered, stealing a kiss from your lips again as a loud laugh erupted from you at the irony of his choice of words.

“But you’re a man?” You narrowed your eyes in amusement, his teeth on full display as he gave you a big cheeky grin.

“I’m not like other men though.” He winked, leading you to fake gag from the cheesiness, his fingers digging into your sides and tickling you as a punishment. “Just you wait and see!” He pushed you onto your back, your head hitting his pillows and his body slotting between your legs. You felt a firework of butterflies go off in your stomach from how having his body there made you feel. He reached over you, placing his hands on the bed either side of your neck, your body now completely caged in by his.

“I’m excited to see what you can do.” You smirked up at him, raising your eyebrows suggestively. His cheeks glowed pink and he bit his bottom lip, his eyes boring into yours without breaking contact even for a second. “Virgin.” You sniggered, his mouth dropping open as he sat back, faking offence and letting out a gasp. His hands finding your sides again to tickle you mercilessly. As he tickled you, he couldn’t help but realise that he’d met his dream girl. You weren’t afraid to tease him, you were kind, and you and him just instantly clicked. He didn’t want to voice his thoughts just in case you weren’t both on the same page, but he was almost 100% sure that you were going to be the girl to take his virginity.

---

Having a newborn baby in your arms was strange. Also a blessing, as not everyone would get to experience the wonder of holding a new life in their arms until they had their own children. Her smooth skin, fluffy black hair which she had a surprising amount of, her tiny fingers, and the little noises that would emit from her when she moved around in her sleep to get comfortable had you feeling soft. In the past two months of dating Jaemin you honestly could say that you’d beenhappier than you had in a long time. Jaemin was a whirlwind of everything perfect. He was the best boyfriend you could possibly ask for. His pores seeped with romance and affection, he was funny, and he did everything he possibly could to make you smile. It didn’t even bother you that you hadn’t had sex with him yet, you were happy to wait until he initiated things with you whenever he was ready. You had found out that he was an absolute master of using his tongue though, so you couldn’t complain.

This was your first time babysitting with Jaemin, and so far, everything was going great. Renjun’s newborn baby Jihyo was an absolute dream to watch over, mostly because the only bad thing she could do was cry, which she had only done briefly when she’d pooped, luckily Uncle Jaemin took care of that. Renjun and his girlfriend had decided to take Jiyeon to the zoo for the day without Jihyo, wanting to make sure that Jiyeon was still receiving as much love and attention as she needed. So when Renjun had mentioned in their group chat that he needed a babysitter, Jaemin had volunteered you both for the position.

“She’s so cute, how can anyone make something this precious?” You looked up from her peaceful face to Jaemin’s delicate face. He was sitting with you on the sofa, your back pressed into his chest as he cuddled the two of you. He looked into your eyes and smiled a wide smile, pressing a light kiss to the tip of your nose. You didn’t notice how he had literal hearts in his eyes from watching you hold a baby. Jaemin had always had a craving for the perfect family, and he knew he wouldn’t ever have that until he met the love of his life, got married, and had a baby. So he couldn’t help the way his heart kept speeding up as thoughts of wifing you up and making babies with you flashed through his head as if he was looking into the future. He didn’t want to rush things and end up scaring you away though, so those thoughts stayed locked inside of his own head for his eyes only.

“Well someone made you.” His reply had your eyes rolling, but you leaned your head back against his shoulder anyway, a gentle laugh tumbling from your lips at how corny he was.

“I bet you were a precious baby.” You commented offhandedly, not realising the emotional turmoil it would throw Jaemin into. He didn’t know how to tell you that he was anything but precious when he was born. He sighed and leaned the side of his head against yours, his arms tightening around you.

“I was born addicted to heroin.” He whispered, his stomach curdling at the words leaving his mouth. You whipped your head around and pulled it back slightly so that you could look at him properly. He gave you a small smile that didn’t reach his cheeks and it broke your heart slightly.

“Jaemin…you never told me that…” You furrowed your eyebrows in question. Now that you think about it, Jaemin hadn’t ever really spoken about his mother or father, only making a comment about his mother being dead. You didn’t want to pry, and you knew eventually he would open up to you about it, you just hadn’t expected it to be in this moment.

“My mother was an addict, and my father ran away as soon as he found out about my impending existence. My grandmother is my fathers’ mother and she was the one who took me in. She has nothing to do with my father either, I don’t even know where he is.” He shrugged like it didn’t matter, but by the look in his eyes, you could tell it tore him apart and had had an effect on him in the past. “I recovered but it stunted my growth growing up and I was bullied, a lot.” You wanted to grab him and give him a big squeeze, but with Jihyo in your arms it wasn’t possible. Instead you gave him a sad look, one that he could tell you were sympathising with him. “I’m okay now.” And all of a sudden, that Jaemin was gone, like he had never even existed. A big smile took over his face and it was if he had just told you that he’d won the lottery. His eyes moved from you to focus on Jihyo. “Come here my pretty girl, it’s uncle nana’s turn for a cuddle.” He shuffled out from behind of you, now sitting beside you as he scooped the sleeping tot from your hold. You opted not to ask any questions or say anything, just faking a smile and stroking Jihyo’s hair down after it fluffed up from the transfer. You couldn’t even think of what kind of questions you could ask him about his past, and you didn’t know what would be triggering for him.

“You love kids don’t you.” You decided to comment, keeping it positive and a good conversation changer. He nodded his head quickly in agreement; thankful you didn’t insist on talking about his past.

“Oh! I almost forgot,” His eyes flicked up to look into yours and you felt almost stunned by how beautiful he was. Sometimes you’d forget that he was your boyfriend and when you remembered you felt giddy inside. “I have a race on Friday, would you like to come?”

“You’re okay with me being there?” You raised your eyebrows in surprise at his offer. You’d asked him if you could see him race before, and he’d told you that he wasn’t sure if he wanted you there or not.

“Yeah, I want to see your beautiful face after I win.” He looked down at the baby in his arms and pressed the softest kiss to her forehead, bouncing her very gently to soothe her after she started to make a fuss, quiet whines emitting from her and her little body attempting to twist around. His words left a feeling of warmth inside of you, and you knew that you wouldn’t miss his race for the world.

“Then I’ll be there.”

---

“So are you going to be in the car with him or watching with me?” Haechan’s voice dragged your attention from a girl wearing the tiniest pair of shorts you’d ever seen, back to him. He smiled at you in amusement of your shocked expression. He was clearly used to this type of environment, seeing the scantily dressed women, and men who looked like they could break all of the bones in your body with a flick of their wrist. But you felt safe with Haechan, since you considered him to be someone who was able to protect you. The starting point of the race was also the finishing point, and it was behind the old railway tracks that weren’t in the populated areas of the city, less likely for the police to find it. There was a lot of people attending the race, and you had lost sight of Jaemin after you’d arrived with him. He’d passed you over to Haechan, pressed a kiss to the side of your head, and told you he had to ‘take care of something’.

“Watching with you,” You smiled up at him, then furrowed your eyebrows as you thought about it. “would I even be allowed in the car with him?” He shrugged, biting the inside of his cheek as he also thought about it.

“Probably, it’s not like you would affect his racing at all.” You didn’t want to ask Jaemin though, because you didn’t actually want to be in the car whilst he was racing. It was a scary thought to you, but you were just curious as to if you could or not.

“When does it start?”

“In about 10 minutes.” You gave him a small smile and let out a sigh, your eyes scanning the crowd to see if you could spot Jaemin. You couldn’t, so you just turned your attention back to Haechan.

“Where’s your girlfriend? Did she not want to come?” His shoulders sank and he gave you an awkward smile, scratching the back of his head before clearing his throat.

“We’re kind of on a break right now, things got a bit too much with the whole Jeno situation and I’m not sure what’s going to happen.” He shrugged, but you could tell he was bothered by it, his eyes drifting to the floor as he kicked at a stone on the floor.

“Oh I’m sorry, Jaemin didn’t tell me!” You felt bad, but you didn’t know so there wasn’t much you could have done to avoid the awkwardness now floating in the air between you both. He shrugged again and gave you a genuine smile, shuffling over from foot to foot.

“Don’t worry about it, come on let’s go wait by the starting line.” He grabbed you by the shoulders from behind and steered you towards where a white line of paint had been marked on the floor. You stood behind the metal barriers, Haechan standing close to you to stop any of the sleezy men from approaching you. He bumped his shoulder against yours and nodded towards the cars approaching the line. “It’s about to start.” You felt your heart sink slightly that you didn’t get to give Jaemin a good luck kiss. You knew what he did was dangerous, and if anything happened to him during the race without you kissing him before hand, you’d be absolutely heartbroken.

“I’m nervous.” You mumbled, glancing at Haechan quickly before giving Jaemin’s car all of your attention. The car visibly rumbling from the strength of the engine and how Jaemin was revving it, the sound loud but muffled with the rest of the other noisy cars.

“Don’t be. Jaemin is probably the best racer here and he knows what he’s doing.” Haechan’s words reassured you but there was still a slight nagging feeling in your stomach that something bad was going to happen.

Everything flashed by quicker than you could have ever imagined. A girl wearing nothing but a bikini top and jean shorts stood in the middle of the dirt road, the white flag in her hand falling to the floor to signify the start of the race. The cars took off with a cloud of dirt left in their wake, the loud engines fading as the cars went down the dirt road. Haechan had told you that after the dirt road finished, they’d race through the city, then they’d loop back around and finish exactly where they’d started. Everyone went back to chatting and mingling with each other as they waited for the tell-tale sound of cars approaching. Haechan got you a can of beer from the cooler in his car and he kept you close to his side. He tried to convince you to dance to the music coming from someone’s car, and as you tried to brush him off, he grabbed you and twirled you around, forcing you to dance with him which had you both wheezing of laughter from how chaotic it was. You didn’t realise how fun Haechan could be, and you felt bad for having assumed he was dangerous and having tried to avoid him as much as you could. You still knew he was dangerous, but you knew he wasn’t a danger to you.

The sound of the car’s engines getting louder brought everyone out of their mingling, and you rushed with Haechan back over to the metal barrier. Jaemin’s car skidded around the corner with perfect control on the dirt road, the rest of the cars close behind him, but he was in the lead. You watched with bated breath, unable to even cheer like the rest of the crowd as Jaemin crossed the finish line first. You felt Haechan’s arms around you, lifting you up and spinning you around.

“He won!” Haechan’s confirmation of what you already knew had you laughing, and you couldn’t control the grin on your face. You felt an overwhelming sense of pride in your boyfriend, knowing that racing means a lot to him and winning is such an accomplishment. He’d told you before that when he doesn’t win, he gets into a funk for a few days, feeling like a failure because the only thing he was really good at was driving. You wanted to disagree with him, but in typical Jaemin fashion, he changed the subject before you could address it. Haechan took your hand in his own and almost dragged you with him to where Jaemin had parked his car. Jaemin was sat on the hood of his car, his arms folded over his chest with a big smirk painted on his face when he noticed you approaching him. He pushed himself off of the car and picked you up as you ran into his arms, holding you by your thighs and pressing his lips to yours.

“You won baby!” You giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck and holding onto him like your life depended on it. Haechan came up beside you and patted Jaemin on the shoulder, mumbling something in his ear before disappearing off. “Where’s he going?” You tilted your head, your eyes following Haechan until he disappeared out of sight.

“He’s a drug dealer babe, I think you know where he’s going.” He chuckled, still holding you in his arms. He laid a soft kiss onto your lips, humming against them in satisfaction with his hands rubbing against your thighs in a massaging motion. “We need to celebrate my win, don’t you think?” He whispered against your lips, nipping at your bottom lip with his teeth.

“Mmm we do, how are we going to celebrate?” Your lips brushed against his as you spoke, your fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. Jaemin’s smirk grew and he glanced down at your lips, pecking them with his quickly and trailing kisses down to your ear.

“I want to fuck you.” He whispered in a seductive tone, his grip tightening on you as you gasped in surprise. You felt a fire ignite in your stomach at his suggestive words, the thing you’d been waiting for finally about to happen. He dragged his lips back to yours, his tongue licking into your mouth and making it feel like fireworks sparked between you.

“Please do.” He set you down on your feet, pulling his phone from his pocket and quickly texting Haechan to tell him that you were both leaving. You let yourself into the passenger side of Jaemin’s car, almost bouncing in your seat at how excited you were to finally have sex with Jaemin. Jaemin disappeared for a few minutes before climbing in beside you, revving the engine and placing a big bag of money underneath his seat.

The two of you drove away, and you were surprised to find out you weren’t going in the direction of either of yours homes, your eyebrows furrowing in question but you didn’t bother asking Jaemin about his intended destination, instead just going with the flow, all of your trust in Jaemin. The trees on either side of the rural road were only lit up by the moonlight and the headlights of the car. No other cars were anywhere to be seen as you looked at the clock and noticed is was nearing 2am, so you felt as if it was just you and Jaemin in the world, no other people mattering to you as Jaemin pulled the car into a grassy car park next to a nature trail, obviously no one around to disturb you. You glanced over at Jaemin as he turned off the ignition, the moonlight shining against his beautiful features. You could see that he took a deep breath, clenching his fists and then rubbing his sweaty palms against his thighs.

“I should have known you would want to lose your virginity in your car.” You giggled, reaching over and taking one of his hands into your own. He let out a soft laugh, his gaze switching from his steering wheel over to you. “Are you nervous?” You lowered the sound of your voice, it coming out soft and as your words hit Jaemin’s ears they almost melted from how delicate they sounded.

“A little, I just want to make you feel good.” He found his courage and swooped in, catching your lips between his own and moving his hands from his thighs to rest one on your thigh, and the other on your waist.

“I want you so bad.” You mumbled into his mouth as your tongue fought for dominance, his tongue winning and turning the kiss heated and sensual immediately. You grabbed his hand, popping open the button on your jeans and guiding his hand inside of your panties. He let out a soft gasp, his lips pulling away from yours.

“Fuck you’re so wet for me already.” He almost growled, his fingers moving up and down your folds, spreading your essence up to your clit before circling it with two of his fingers. “Does that feel good?” He laid a kiss to your neck, prompting you to tilt your head away from him to give him easier access.

“Yeah, oh Jaemin.” You let out a breathy moan, sinking slightly in the seat as he started sucking on your neck, his fingers working magic against your over sensitive bundle of nerves. You’d started getting wet from the second Jaemin mentioned fucking you, all of the thoughts that had ran through your head turning filthy and making your thighs clench together on the way there, needing friction in the place you couldn’t wait for Jaemin to touch. You even thought about all of the times Jaemin had eaten you out, licking you to completion like an expert with your thighs thrown over his shoulders, your toes curling as he sucked on your clit like it was his lifeline. What he lacked in experience, he sure made up for in natural talent and enthusiasm. You also thought about how well his cock would fit inside of you, the few times you’d seen it when you’d sucked him off or given him a handjob giving you a lot of hope for how good it could make you feel inside of your tight pussy. So by the time Jaemin slid two fingers inside of you, you were already ready and gagging for his cock to be inside of you.

“Will you ride me?” He muttered against your neck, licking a stripe up your soft skin and blowing cool air against it, a shiver running through you that shot straight to your core. You nodded your head eagerly, grabbing his wrist to stop his fingers. He pulled his hand out of your pants, waiting for you to make the next move as he held his breath in anticipation. You lifted your hips from the seat, tucking your fingers into the waistband of your jeans and tugging them down your legs with your panties in tow. You kicked off your shoes and rid yourself of your jeans and panties, leaving them pooled in the footwell of the car. It was all very hurried, but you didn’t want to waste any more time, and Jaemin was so nervous that he just wanted to get things in motion. Jaemin unzipped his jeans, pushing them down slightly and pulling his half hard cock out of his boxers. He gripped his shaft in his shaky hand, giving it a few pumps.

“Let me.” You pushed your hair behind your shoulders and leaned down, kissing the tip of his cock with a teasing peck, before swirling your tongue around the head. Letting out a sultry moan, Jaemin tipped his head back to rest against his seat, his eyes staring up at the ceiling as he got lost in your mouth. You sunk down on his cock, hollowing your cheeks and bobbing your head on him, forcing him to squeeze his eyes shut in pleasure, placing his hand on the top of your head and threading his fingers through your hair. He tugged on your hair gently in encouragement, guiding your head up and down his length with his breathing picking up.

“Baby stop,” He gulped, pulling your head up with his hands cupping your cheeks, his thumb rubbing against your hot skin as he leaned in and pecked your lips with his own. “I wanna cum inside of you.”

“Have you got a condom?” You were on the pill, but you didn’t want to risk getting pregnant, it was something the both of you had discussed before and you’d both came to an agreement that if you have a baby together then it would be planned. Jaemin had seen how badly unplanned pregnancies had been on Jeno and Renjun’s relationships, and even though he knew not every relationship went through tough times because of an unexpected baby, he didn’t want to take the risk.

“Yeah.” He reached over and opened the glove box, pulling out a foil packet and giving you a smile. You watched as he rolled the rubber down his fully hard cock, your stomach fluttering from how hot the sight looked. “Okay, I’m ready.” He pushed his seat back slightly, making room between him and the steering wheel for you. You awkwardly clambered over the centre console and settled down into his lap with your legs either side of his. “Hi.” He chuckled weakly, his cheeks already red from how nervous and shy he suddenly felt.

“Hi.” You nuzzled your nose against his, laying a gentle kiss on his lips as you placed one hand on his shoulder, the other one gripping his cock to line it up with your almost dripping centre. Jaemin’s hands found purchase on your hips, his breath hitching as you slowly lowered yourself onto him.

“Oh my-” You cut him off by smashing your lips into his, his moan melting into your mouth as you circled your hips, sitting comfortably and ignoring the slight sting from the stretch you hadn’t felt in so long. “Shit.” He mumbled; the words muffled against your lips. You couldn’t help the big smile that stretched across your lips, overjoyed at giving Jaemin something he’d been waiting for long for and getting such a positive reaction from him. You felt a rush of heat go through you as you realised how hot it was getting in the car, your eyes drifting from Jaemin over to the windows that were all fogged up from the heated situation between you both. He followed your gaze and mirrored your smile, lifting his finger and drawing a heart in the condensation. You laughed and laid your head against his, almost forgetting that his cock was buried balls deep inside of you as you placed a tender kiss on his cheek.

“Can you take your shirt off?” You whispered, your hands coming down to sit at the hem of his long-sleeved, black shirt. “I… wanna see your tattoos.” You felt shy admitting it, but Jaemin’s tattoos were a huge turn on for you. They had an array of colours from wrist to shoulder, mostly black but the colour fitted perfectly with the designs. When he was wearing his long-sleeved t-shirt you couldn’t even tell that he had both arms completely covered in tattoos, and you loved how it was a complete contrast to his butter wouldn’t melt face and baby pink hair. His smirk grew and he nodded his head fast, lifting his arms as you shimmied his shirt over his head, quickly discarding of it in the back seat. “You’re so hot, I’m so lucky.” You dived your face into the crook of his neck, licking a stripe up his slightly salty skin before latching your teeth onto him. You lifted yourself up as you sucked on his neck, his hands settling on your hips as you dropped back down, a dull pang of pleasure mixed slightly with pain blooming to life inside of you.

“Baby! oh…oh!” Jaemin’s moans were like music to your ears when you started to circle your hips, getting a perfect rhythm until you were bouncing in his lap, the car moving up and down in time with you both. Jaemin started to buck his hips up, chasing after the euphoric feeling he’d never experienced in this way before. The heat in the car was rising, and Jaemin’s chest was starting to shine from sweat underneath the moonlight streaming in from the little heart Jaemin made on the window.

“You feel so good.” You praised him, grabbing his face in your hands and licking into his mouth. Jaemin keened at your praise, his hips quicken up as his tongue flicked with yours. You slipped your hands down to the side of his neck and could feel his muscles tense up in, his fingers pressing into your hips tight enough that you were sure they would leave little bruises. You kept your lips on his, trailing your hands down to his biceps and gripping onto them to keep yourself stable. “Right there!” You squealed as you dropped down onto him and he bucked up at the perfect time, the tip of his cock hitting your sensitive spot to your surprise. You knew it was a place that not many men could find, and you hadn’t expected Jaemin to hit it dead on with his first time, but he did, and it left a fire burning inside of you. He smiled, proud of himself for making you feel so good, but it was short lived as his orgasm creeped up on him.

“I’m close,” He whispered, his head falling back and eyes shutting, stars starting to fizzle against the black of eyelids from how hard he was squeezing his eyes shut. “Fuck I’m cumming!” He stopped thrusting, his hips stilling as his cock spurted cum into the condom, a long drawn out whine leaving his parted lips that had also stilled against your mouth. You were close, and you knew if he could deal with some oversensitivity for a few moments then you’d be able to chase your own high. You gripped onto his shoulders and started to bounce on his lap faster than before, short pants leaving your parted lips and your head falling to rest on your left hand on his shoulder. It was when he lifted his hips one final time, his half hard cock slamming once more into your g-spot that you felt your thighs start to quiver, your fingers digging into his skin as your orgasm crashed into you. You’d never came so fast before in your entire life, and it was even more shocking to you that someone who’d never fucked before in their life was the one to bring that onslaught of a feeling to you. It made sense that Jaemin came so quickly, but you had no excuse apart from Jaemin being naturally gifted in the bedroom and from how wound up you were waiting for him to fuck you.

“Fuck.” You huffed out, Jaemin’s arms wrapping around you like a blanket to secure you against his body as he came down from your high. He laid butterfly kisses to your neck as you nuzzled into his shoulder, feeling secure and loved in his hold.

“(Y/N)…” You lifted your head lazily to look him in the eyes, the moon reflecting in his dark irises and causing a pool of something unfamiliar to form in your gut. He took a few deep breaths as you stared into your eyes, his gaze flicking down to scan over your face before lifting back to your enchanting eyes. “I love you.” You then realised what the unfamiliar feeling you were feeling was. It’s what lead you to utter the words back to him.

“I love you too.” In perfect synchronisation you both leaned in, your lips meeting in the middle and sealing the love you’d just confession to each other for the first time.

---

You hadn’t heard from Jaemin yet. It was 5:30pm and really strange that you hadn’t heard from him since the day prior, when usually on the days you had work, you’d pick your phone up to multiple messages from him. But today, none. It caused a tiny spark of worry in your stomach, mainly because you knew he was very reckless with his car, even though you trusted his driving 100%, you couldn’t trust every other driver on the road. So instead of heading home, you jumped into your car and headed over to his apartment. His car was out the front, in perfect condition as usual, so you crossed that off of reasons why Jaemin hadn’t messaged you. You let out a sigh in relief, stopping your car behind his own, also noting that Haechan’s car was parked on the road, so at least you’d have someone to answer the door even if Jaemin wasn’t home.

As you approached the door you took a deep breath, knocking timidly and knotting your fingers together in anticipation as you waited for someone to answer the door. It wasn’t long before the door opened, Haechan appearing behind the door with a lopsided smile on his face.

“Oh hey (Y/N), Jaemin didn’t say he was expecting you.” He stepped aside, wordlessly telling you to come in. You walked in, taking off your shoes and smiling up at him nervously.

“He isn’t expecting me, but he hasn’t messaged me today and I was just stopping by to see if he was okay. I’m just happy he hasn’t wrapped his car around a tree.” You laughed softly with no amusement in your voice at all.

“Oh…he’s in his room.” He nodded in the direction of Jaemin’s room and watched as you started to walk towards it. “(Y/N),” He called out quietly causing you to turn around before you reached the door, tilting your head in question. “He hasn’t had a good day…just a heads up.”

“Okay.” You nodded and gently knocked on Jaemin’s door before letting yourself in. The first thing you noticed was the curtains were drawn shut, only a few rays of light peeking in through the gaps where the curtains meet. Then you noticed the big lump on the bed. You had a feeling Jaemin was the lump, his back to you and the duvet pulled up over his head. “Jaem…?” You called out, waking around the bed and catching the eyes of Jaemin. His eyes were completely bloodshot, and only his head was poking out from the duvet, his hair messier than you’d ever seen before.

“Hey.” He mumbled with no enthusiasm evident in his voice. He sniffed, poking a hand up from his duvet to wipe at his eyes, giving you proof that he’d cried at least once today. He made no effort to get up, simply staring at you with a horribly emotionless look behind his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” You sat down on the bed beside his body, your hand settling on the top of the lump where you assumed his hip was. He let out a long sigh and momentarily shut his eyes, as if he was bracing himself for something. You’d never seen Jaemin in this state before. He’d always presented himself as a positive, happy person, so to see him looking as broken as he did when he opened his eyes to look at you again shook you to the core. But even the happiest person on the world has their moments of sadness too.

“I don’t want to burden you.” He settled on, the lump moving as he shrugged his shoulders, his lips naturally pouting like a stubborn child.

“Are you sick?” You quizzed on, your stomach starting to curdle from the worry you felt at seeing your normally bubbly boyfriend looking so glum.

“No.”

“Did something happen?”

“No.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No, it’s not you.”

“Did something happen with the boys?”

“No.”

“Did something happy with your grandma?”

“No.” You were starting to feel defeated and slightly frustrated that he wasn’t cooperating with you.

“Okay.” You shrugged, completely giving up and letting out an irritated sigh. You stayed silent, turning away from him slightly to look around his room. You noticed his phone on charge across the room, his normally put away clothes just strewn across the floor as if he’d completely just thrown them there. You pulled your hand away from him and instead knotted it up with your other hand, twiddling your fingers together as you got lost in your thoughts. You felt sick with worry, not knowing how when he would recover from whatever was floating around in his own head. His voice pulled your out of your thoughts, your stomach dropping at what he said.

“I have severe depression, and today I woke up and wanted to kill myself to stop the feeling, the only reason I didn’t was because I saw the text you sent me this morning telling me to have a good day and that you love me. Then I felt awful because I know how it feels to lose someone, and it isn’t ever a feeling I want you to feel.” He let out a soft sob, his eyes squeezing shut and taking in a deep breath as he looked up at the back of your head. He could tell from how your body was shaking that you were crying silently. Your face was creased up as you cried for your boyfriend, feeling your heart crack at this confession.

“Jaemin…” You stood up and turned to face him, tugging the duvet out of his grip. You stripped off your uniform, mainly for hygiene reasons, so you were just in your underwear before you climbed into his bed with him, pressing your forehead against his own. “Thank you.” You whispered, your hand finding on of his underneath the duvet and threading your fingers with his.

“What for?” He gulped, his pillow now wet and uncomfortable but he couldn’t find it in him to care as he felt you there with him.

“For not doing it.” You couldn’t even think of the words to describe the horrible feeling you had swirling around inside of your tense stomach. Your boyfriend had just admitted something so incredibly crushing to you, and the only thing you could think of was how he had kept this to himself for the past five months of your relationship. You weren’t mad. You didn’t think you could ever be mad at him for this. No, you were heartbroken. Heartbroken for him because he had been fighting an internal battle all on his own when you could have been there as a support beam for him. “Talk to me in future, I’m so in love with you and I never want you to fight anything on your own.” Your voice was shaky, small sobs still falling from your lips as you gripped onto his hand tightly.

“I’ll be okay.” He whispered, moving his head up and placing a lingering kiss on your forehead.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He pulled his hand out of your grip, instead wrapping his arms around your torso and holding you tightly against his chest. He didn’t want to see you cry because of him, so if he hugged you it would block your face from his vision, and he could bring you comfort. He also didn’t want you to see the tears falling from his red eyes.

“I wanted to pretend everything was perfect. You’re perfect for me, and I wanted a life to match that. I’m sorry baby.” He breathed through his mouth to try and steady out his breathing, his arms tightening around you like a vice.

“You haven’t got to apologise…can I ask why you have depression?” He took a deep breath at your question. You could feel and hear his heart beating against your ear, the steady thumps bringing you more comfort that you thought it ever could. Jaemin poured his heart out to you completely, not missing out any details about his past, answering all the unasked questions you had in your head that you had waited patiently for him to open up to you about. He told you more about his birth, going into detail about his parents and his grandmother. You’d heard this before when you had babysat with him, but this time he told you everything in finer detail. Then he told you about his stunted growth and how he was bullied severely at school, which is what caused him to be the person he is today. It made sense that he wanted people to see him as a positive person, but you found it hard to wrap your head around how someone who went through all of that could be as positive as he had always appeared to be without having an episode like he was currently going through. It made perfect sense to you, and you felt like you understood Jaemin a lot more now. The final piece of the puzzle that was Jaemin fitting into place.

“I promise that I don’t go through phases like this often, and I don’t really have a trigger…it just randomly hits me, and I guess today was one of those days.” His hands rubbed up and down your back, his fingertips tracing circles in on your bare skin sending shivers through you.

“It wouldn’t matter to me if you went had phases like this all the time, I love you for you, depression included.” You laughed very softly, closing your eyes from how his heartbeat and your eyes, tired from cry, was making you feel sleepy. He let out a gentle laugh, his lips placing a firm kiss to your head. “Tell me in future, I’ll call in sick and we can spend the day as bed burritos together okay?”

“Bed burritos?” He raised an eyebrow in confusion, already feeling a flicker of positivity burning like a tiny flame inside the pit of negativity inside of him.

“Yeah, you were wrapped up in your duvet like a burrito. Bed burrito.” You yawned, totally relaxed with him now, a complete contrast to how you felt when you’d entered the room. Jaemin laughed again, the flicker inside of him growing again.

“Okay beautiful.” He moved a hand down to pat your butt affectionately and with no intention behind it. It was when you fell asleep on his chest, and he looked down at your peacefully sleeping face that he realised you were the woman he’d dreamt of every time he’d fantasied about his perfect future. The mysterious woman in all of his visions, the one walking down the aisle, the one holding his faceless children’s hands, the one growing old beside him, now having a face and a name.

---

Jaemin had never felt so nervous before in his entire life. And that was saying something, considering the rollercoaster of a life he’d lived. But even the nervousness of going to school, the nervousness of his first race, and his nervousness to lose his virginity couldn’t compared to this. But he’d made his mind up, and he was determined not to chicken out. ‘Chill out man, it’s not like you’re going to ask her to marry you, you’re only asking her if she wants to move in with you. You know she’ll say yes, so be chill.’ Jeno’s words rang through his head as he held you in his arms, swaying with you in the darkness of the night, the moon and the stars the only witnesses to his nerves since you hadn’t seemed to have caught on to his slightly tense body and shaky hands.

“Are you cold?” You spoke to softly Jaemin almost didn’t catch your words as you spoke them into his neck, your head tucked under his chin in your favourite spot. You felt so secure and loved when you snuggled into him like that, and he always pulled you to that position if he held you. “Your hands are shaking.” You could feel how his fingers were tapping against you from the way they shook, and even though you were enjoying your little slow dance under the moonlight, you’d prefer Jaemin didn’t catch a cold. The breeze was slow, and the air was warm, but you knew everyone reacted to temperature differently. Something you’d been made aware of working as a carer, most of your elderly clients feeling the cold a lot more than you and complaining about it despite the sweat you had on your forehead from being so hot.

“No, I’m okay…are you cold?” He glanced up at the sky, the moon being bright and easily visible through the clearing in the trees. This was the spot where he’d lost his virginity, and he loved to come here not only to relive that moment in his thoughts, but because it was peaceful and serene, nobody around to disturb the calm.

“I’m toasty.” You giggled, your arms wrapped around his neck as you snuggled into his warmth further, if it was even possible. He let out a quick laugh and then gently tugged you away from him, his eyes darting over your face quickly. You furrowed your eyebrows at how he was looking at you, about to ask him if he was feeling okay when he leaned in, catching your lips with his own. You closed your eyes, moving your lips slowly with his as his hand came up to stroke your cheek with so much delicacy you could hardly feel his feather light touch. He broke the kiss and whispered against your lips.

“Keep your eyes closed.” He took a step back from you and took a deep breath. You kept your eyes closed, slightly scared he was going to run away and make you play a sadistic game of hide and seek in a dark forest. But then you felt stupid because you knew Jaemin would never make you do that. You almost giggled to yourself from the thought when Jaemin spoke up again. “Okay so, I’ve waited for you for what feels like forever. And now that you’re in my life I know I never want to you leave again, and I want to wake up beside you every morning. You’ve brought so much joy and love I never knew I could feel from anyone other than my grandma,” He let out an awkward laugh after he said that, then carried on, swallowing the lump in his throat. “You’ve shown that you’ll support me through thick and thin these past six months and I’ve never been so sure of something before in my life as that I’m sure you’re the love of my life…Okay open your eyes.” When you opened them you were confused for a second, wondering when Jaemin became a magician and could disappear so fast when his voice was clearly in front of you. You had been told by Jeno a few days prior that Jaemin was going to ask you to move in with him, his excuse for telling you was ‘he’s going to be super nervous so if you’re going to say no then at least you can plan your way of letting him down gently.’ And you assumed this was his way of asking you to move in with him, expecting him to be holding a key when you opened your eyes, and you were definitely going to say yes. However, when your line of sight drifted down and your jaw almost hit the floor when you saw him down on one knee, a ring in a box in his hand and a nervous look on his face, not so expertly covered by a smile.

“Will you marry me?”

[redhawtriot]

Sole Mates🦶❤️🦶 (Bakugou x Reader)

Tip Jar ☕- Not expected but always appreciated💞

Part 1, Part 3 

Part 2:

Izuku Midoriya never thought that he would be the kind of boy to fall so passionately in love.  To be frank, he wasn’t sure if he would ever fall in love. He was a nervous wreck throughout his daily life—probably only a hair away from a mental breakdown at any given moment of the day, so if you were to add a girl into the equation his anxiety would certainly increase exponentially.

That’s why, when he stumbled upon you seven years ago, during his freshman year at U.A., romance was probably the last thing on his mind.

The first time he saw you was actually pretty fleeting. You worked at a small convenience store near U.A. that he would sometimes go to when he needed miscellaneous things for his dorm. In fact, he is sure that your first words to him were, “Your total comes to 1480 yen.”

He knew that they were simple words, but he just wished someone would tell his heart that! The muscle had inconsiderately thumped against his chest as his hand shakily handed you the cash. He was sure that it stopped beating altogether when you blessed his day with a lingering smile as you handed him his items, gently biting your lips to keep from smiling too hard, “Thanks, please come again,” you had drawn out as you tilted a daring expression toward him.

Was—was tha--? No. No way you were flirting with him. Him? You? You and him!?

Izuku had tried to blink those ridiculously hopeful thoughts out of his head as he turned away from you. He had tried to forget the gorgeous way that you sang your goodbye to him when the bells to the store front rang as he made his exit, and how happy you looked when he threw one final glance back at you. He had tried so hard.

There were far too many stresses in his life at the time—with the League at full force, his work study with Endeavor, and of course, his mastering of One for All all needing his dire attention, but that wouldn’t keep him from stealing timid glances for the next few months whenever he returned to the convenience store.

One day Izuku had found himself staring at you for a bit longer than he had meant to, ‘Crap.’ he had suddenly caught himself as the two of you made brief eye contact before throwing his eyes back toward the items in his clammy hands. God, why was he being so creepy? You must hate it every time he comes here.

Izuku’s heart dropped at the thought, ‘Well… Maybe she didn’t notic-‘

“Hey, Green eggs and Ham!” he heard your voice firmly call out, sending him into a deep panic,

‘Me? Does she mean me? She must hate me. Oh god, she is gonna call me out for staring at her all the time. I mean, if I were her and some weirdo was coming to my store to gawk, I would be a little creeped out too. B-but It’s not like I come here only for her! I have groceries! Oh no! She probably does think I come here to stalk h—’

“You’re never gonna ask me out on a date,huh?” you planted your cheek against the palm of you hand as you leaned toward him on the checkout counter. You smiled, almost sadly at him as you waited for him to answer.

Izuku shook his head slightly as he tried to readjust his hearing, because there is no way in hell he just heard you right, “W-w-wha…” you suddenly spoke up and cut off his stuttering,

“If you’re not feeling me, then stop looking at me like that,” you rolled your eyes, standing yourself back up straight, “You’re kinda getting my hopes up, dude,” you shrugged your shoulders before returning to your small tasks: re-shelfing tidying etc.…

“Y-your... up... hopes?” Izuku could only stand a stammering mess as his overwhelmed brain tried to compute the information thrown at it. An imaginary light-bulb suddenly appeared with a sharp “ding!” above his head.

He gave a sigh as if he were preparing his thoughts on the tip of his tongue, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stare it’s just… you’re really pretty…” he felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders as he looked toward the ground. He looked back up to meet with your shocked expression. He jumped as if your face had suddenly thrown a left hook in his direction before furiously correcting his statement, “N-not to be creepy or anything. I am sure you get that a lot, so you know I don’t mean anything by that! Well, I am not saying that to be flirty or something, I don’t have a crush or anything! Ha! That would be ridiculous! You don’t even know my name, although Green eggs and Ham is a new one. I haven’t heard that one be—"

“Well I do,” you abruptly cut him off as you raised an eyebrow into your wide-smiling expression.

“W-what.”

“Have a crush. On you.” You nonchalantly shrugged your shoulders, “Want to meet up after I get off in an hour?”

Izuku’s heart had practically dropped straight out of his chest, and he was sure that he was ascending on his way to heaven. He somehow managed to gather up enough life force to accept your request, and after that day the ball began rolling fast.

Like a clump of snow pushing its way downhill, your small dates quickly accumulated and turned into a full-fledged relationship. It was very easy for Izuku to fall into you. You were very assertive and knew exactly what you wanted out of your days. You were never exactly the shy type, and that must have rubbed off on him and given him the support that he needed to become more sure of himself.

As your uplifting whirlwind of romance progressed, the two of you rapidly meshed into one being, your personalities mixing and bringing out the best qualities of one another. As much as you would have denied it at the time, you two were almost too involved with one another-- pretty much inseparable. Despite this, the two of you hardly ever hung out at U.A., and even when you did, he would, only after being reassured a million times that you wouldn’t get caught, sneak you into the Alliance dorms.

Even though the two of you never actually did get caught, the thought of you being so close to his other life brought him an unexpected sense of dread. Izuku didn’t necessarily want to introduce you into his hero life. Even as a young boy of fifteen he knew that his life had a certain degree of danger that he would never want to involve you in. Your quirk was very small and wouldn’t help much of you were ever in a dangerous position.

Still, he was sure that you would never have to worry about any of that, because he would keep you as far away from his dangerous lifestyle as possible. He was sure that he could do it, because of your endless enthusiastic support for him.

Izuku was so sure, in fact, that he proposed to you only weeks after the two of you graduated high school and you got married a year after that. The wedding was small—only having a few of your closest friends and family and some faces on his side that were slightly unfamiliar to you. You had met his mother years prior of course, but the wedding was actually the first time that you had met any of his friends from high school, or anyone associated with his hero life really, and you didn’t really see much of them after the fact—until your daughter was born.

Your daughter, (D/N), or Koko as the two of you liked to call her, was born a little after you were married when you were only 20 years old. You two hadn’t planned to have a baby so early and neither of you really knew how to take care of child at all. You fumbled around for only a while before finally giving in and allowing outside help from some of his friends.

After all it takes a village to raise a child and six heads is better than two. Todoroki, Iida, Uraraka, and Yaoyorozu all pitched in to help raise Koko for her first three years of life and helped to life a tremendous weight off your shoulders.

But with that innocent opening came a flood of misfortune.

It was as if the safe little bubble that held the two of you in place, had suddenly burst wide open allowing the evils of this world to rip you apart.

Izuku flinched at the sudden memories as if he were trying to jerk away from them before the painful ones could emerge. He tried to refocus on only you as you furiously sat on your hospital bed.

He couldn’t help the sudden ache in his heart as you threw an awkward glance in his direction, but the two of you made eye contact, causing your gaze to dart away from his forlorn expression. He had been missing the enthusiastic look in your eyes for the past two years. He missed the light determination that was also etched in your voice as it loudly and proudly carried into the atmosphere.

Here he was, 10 months after the finalization of your divorce, finally looking you in the eyes again, holding a conversation…

So, why, in God’s name, did it have to be this one?

“Bonded,” The green haired man instinctively pinched this chin as he thought, “A quirk that allows to you now only read each other’s minds but feel each other’s pain and presence. I have never heard of a quirk like that before, although I guess it is similar to a telekinesis quirk mixed in with a consciousness transfer quirk. Although the two of you don’t swap consciousness, just share pieces of it…” his mutterings trailed off and were shortly after followed by Bakugou’s enraged shrieking,  

“THAT’S WHAT THE HELL I JUST SAID, YOU NERD!” he seethed, grinding his teeth in a slender effort to keep from snatching up the other man by the collar of his shirt again. This day honestly couldn’t get any worse. Seriously! How the hell, out of the millions of people in this city, did he get in such a fucked-up TV drama of a situation with fucking Deku’s ex-wife?

Let’s repeat that for emphasis. HOW in the ever-loving FUCK did his end up with a shitty, nagging bitch of a woman prying around in his mind, with shitty annoying Deku also butting into his business, in the middle of what was supposed to be a shitty easy job, and end up in a in a shitty fucking hospital!!  He was wearing a god damn gown for Christ’s sake!

A sudden thought of yours popped into his mind—sending a hot wave of blood to his cheeks.

Izuku took Bakugou’s sudden pause as an opportunity to faintly speak up, “Sorry it’s just... a lot to take in,” he tried his hardest not to let his gaze fall in your direction.

“Don’t apologize to him, Izuku,” you addressed him for the first time, causing his heart to flutter. His name rolling off of your tongue also gave your stomach invisible butterflies but you continued despite this, “This is all his fault,” you turned to Bakugou, causing the mentioned blond to snap a quick glare at you, “This is all your fault!” you barked to the angry porcupine of a man.

He immediately barked back, “How the hell is it my fault? You were the hero wannabe that stuck her nose where it didn’t belong!” As he screamed back, Izuku could only watch in horror as the two most head-strong people that he knew began heatedly bickering back and forth.

He was only shocked out of his stunned state as you threw yourself forward toward Bakugou with an accusing finger, your body almost following after off of the side of the bed. “Your feral ass is the one who scared off our only lead! He was snatching kids!” you yelled incredulously toward Izuku, “If someone talked to my kid like that, I would…” you trailed off as a lie almost fell out of your mouth. You decidedly fixed your angry face back toward Bakugou, “well I guess I wouldn’t run away like she did. I would beat your ass!”

His hands angrily crackled, the heat of them at his sides causing his hospital gown to whip violently at the bottom hem, “I’d like to see you try, hag!”

“Hag?!” You clumsily jumped out of the hospital bed, but Izuku held out a soft arm in front of you. You ignored his pleading glance as your hot gaze could only fixate on Bakugou, “You’re not too good looking yourself! And you smell like burnt shit.” This egotistical asshole might have gotten by with treating other people like shit, but you’d be dammed if you were gonna let him walk all over you.

“Liar! I can read your mind, you know!” he snapped, causing your heart to momentarily drop before he nastily continued with a deep smirk, “You’ve been wondering how I “can still look so sexy in a hospital gown”, perverted bitch!”

Both yours and Izuku’s jaw dropped at the accusation. As Izuku’s heartbroken eyes darted to yours, searching for the truth, your face became sizzling hot with a rush of emotion—the forefront feeling being rage. You most certainly did not feel that way about an egotistical piece of burning garbage like him. He must be mind-illiterate because there is no way that that thought was read correctly.  

But before you could open your mouth to respond, Izuku, who’s emotions had also been building during this entire dispute, finally exploded,

“KNOCK IT OFF!” his soft demeanor cracked, revealing a seriously frustrated man, “Kacchan, don’t talk to her like that.” He very seriously demanded. He knew that, because of Bakugou’s hatred for instruction, he wouldn’t be able to say his next point if he didn’t continue quickly, “You both need to calm down, or else I am gonna have to ask you to leave,” he said lowly, causing your eyebrows to sharply raise. You had only ever heard him talk this seriously on two occasions.: the night All Might died, and the day the two of you decided to get a divorce.

“Like you can fucking tell me what to do, Deku,” he snapped back, before throwing his clenched fist tightly at his sides, wishing that he had some pockets on this stupid ass gown to throw them into. He scoffed at Izuku’s unphased glower before turning away toward the room’s exit, “Tch. I don’t fucking care. I’ll go right now! You two idiots wouldn’t be able to help much anyway. I’ll fix it my damn self,” he stopped around the frame’s corner.

‘Well that was unexpected,’ You watched Bakugou’s figure retreat with a sudden heavy feeling in your chest. What the fuck what even was that feeling?

Guilt?

Shit, it just might be.

You had been just as much of a brat as him, if not more, so you were just as much as him to blame for things getting out of hand. You anxiously bit your lower lip as you contemplated apologizing to him. You were far from being above apologizing. You were certainly a type of person that could admit when they were wrong, and It was hard to deny that you would need Bakugou’s presence if you wanted to figure out this whole ‘bonded’ situation. The sole of your foot throbbed simply at the thought.

Dammit, guilt is not a good look for you.

Izuku’s voice abruptly knocked you out of your thoughts, “I know this is probably the last thing you want to do right now, but I don’t think you should go home alone,” you averted your gaze away from him as the heavy realization that you two were now in isolation together sunk in. He awkwardly continued, “The nursed told me you could be released right now, but needed to be watched, so… would you mind if I took you to pick up Koko from my mom and then maybe I stayed with you two for a few days?”

Koko.

Her name suddenly slapped you in the face, harshly reminding you about your life outside of this “TV drama” as Bakugou had thought of it as. What did this situation entail for your everyday life? Would you be able to work as efficiently as before? Was everything you strived for the past few years about to be ripped from your grasp? Hell no.

Your body involuntarily moved as you stepped toward the door to find Bakugou; however, a gentle hand found its way around your arm. You followed the appendage up its length and found Izuku’s beautiful, yet anxious eyes, “Where are you going? I-I know it will be weird with me being around again all of a sudden, but I only want to help. Nothing else, I promise.”

He could, in theory be a massive help to you figuring this “foot mate predicament thingy” out. He was extremely clever, and was the number one hero in Japan, but… also your ex-husband with whom you had… unresolved issues with. Were you even able to suck up the wagon full of emotional baggage that was between you two?

Then again, the angry porcupine didn’t seem like much of a better option either to be honest.

Fuck. What should you do?

Should you follow after Bakugou and apologize? Or go home with Izuku?

YOU DECIDE

Click this link to cast your vote!

[mxndoscyarika]

Home (Mando x female!Reader)

Requested by @karnita-mexicana: “Since requests are open what would you think of a padame and anakin type of relationship with mando and the reader where the reader is the queen of a planet and they have a secret relationship going on and it’s super fluffy 🥺👉🏾👈🏾”

Author’s note: It’s finally done! Sorry this took so long, I wanted to make sure I did it justice. Enjoy!

Summary: After weeks of anxiety, you return home to find a new addition to your life.

Warnings: none

Like my writing? Here’s my masterlist.

The Razor Crest was silent as it approached the planet of Garamonde, a planet with lush green forests spattered with some of the most advanced cities in the system. As they entered the atmosphere, Mando picked up the child and placed him on his lap. “You ready to meet someone very special, ad’ika?”

Large dark eyes looked up at him curiously.

“You better behave once we get down there,” he teased. “Ok?”

The child smiled and let out a coo.

———————————————————————

“The mines will cease operation for the time being,” you declared, seated in your throne. “It’s no longer safe for the workers. Many jobs in the development sectors will open as we continue to develop more energy efficient devices; we’ll transfer them as appropriate.”

In front of you stood royal advisors, each carrying datapads with reports on various sectors. Although they were capable of handling everything with little input from their queen, you had made it a point during your time as ruler to remain as involved as possible.

The most recent problem seemed to be the state of Garamonde’s mines. The increased snow over the recent winter meant much more snowmelt once the weather warmed up. Mines set up near the base of the mountains were at risk of being covered by mudslides and collapsing.

“But our exports-”

“Will be fine,” you reassured. “We have much more to offer than metal, and we have a duty to protect and support all workers. This is not up for debate.”

“Yes, your majesty,” they all said in unison, bowing.

Standing up, you said, “Well I guess that settles things. You’re all dismissed.”

Your gown of purple and gold flowed behind you as you strode down the hall, guards trailing slowly as usual. You never quite understood why you needed protection in your own palace.

“Your majesty!” a voice called out. You turned around to see it was Javonor Talbri, one of the advisors who’d brought up an issue with taxation. “I have the reports you wanted on this datapad. Would you like me to give them to you now, or-”

“Leave those in my study,” you quipped, continuing to walk once he caught up. Just a few more feet, and you’d be free of all the formalities and gowns “I’ll go over them later.”

“O-of course, your majesty,” Talbri replied, gripping the tablet tightly.

“I’ll be sure to have a look soon,” you said absentmindedly, entering your chambers. Closing the door on him, you finished, “For now, I have other things to attend to.”

“Of course, your majesty! Forgive any pressure I may have put upon you. I simply just-”

Sighing, you pressed a button on the control pad by the door, which blocked any sound from entering your room. Talbri was dedicated and competent, but he never shut up.

The first thing that came off was the large pin holding together your hair and jeweled headpiece. Even after years of wearing heavy headpieces and hairstyles, you never quite got used to them. At least, not enough for them to be comfortable.

You then changed into some soft pants and a long-sleeved top, both made from stretchy but durable fabric. Stiff heeled shoes were exchanged for worn-in boots with quiet soles. Digging through your wardrobe, you found your favorite cloak, a remnant of a visit to Nevarro. Well, before all the commotion began. Thankfully, it had died down since then.

In less than half of an hour, you were standing by a blue lake. Trees surrounded you, towering high and providing shade for the warm day. Spots of light littered the forest floor, much like how the buildings in the kingdom glittered during sunset. It was peaceful, but something was missing.

You inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, trying to calm the nagging in the back of your mind. Where was he? Did he make it out of Nevarro?

The snap of a twig behind you sends your reaching for your blaster, pointing it in the direction the sound came from. This forest wasn’t known for harboring dangerous creatures, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

“Hey hey hey don’t shoot, it’s me!” a modulated voice shouts. It’s Mando, and he’s got one hand flung out, the other occupied with a bundled up...blanket?

Letting your arm drop, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and placed your blaster back in its holster. You took him in, as if the mandalorian standing there could’ve been a figment of your imagination.

Fallen leaves and twigs crunched under your feet as you ran into the mandalorian’s arms, nestling your face against his neck. He still smelled like leather and the metal of the Razor Crest. The only difference was that he had new armor. Yes, finally, your Mando had come home. It was your Din. You pulled away. “I should shoot you for not sending a message to me for the past three months. Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry, I had some business to take care of,” he replied, holding you close. Well, as close as he could with the child on his other arm.

“You didn’t come home,” you murmured, placing a hand on the side of his helmet, where his cheek would be. “I was so worried. I flew all the way out here and waited for you. You never came.”

“I-I know,” he said, voice strained. “It’s a long story.” The bundle in his arms squirmed a little, drawing his attention back to it. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet, cyar’ika.”

You gasped softly as the child poked its head out of the blanket, big eyes looking around at everything. The sky, the trees, Din, and you. Your heart melted as it smiled up at you and reached out. Tucking yourself to his side, you asked, “Is this what kept you away for so long?”

He nodded. “It was one of my bounties. But it’s just a kid. I couldn’t live with myself if I turned it over and walked away. So I broke it out and we’ve been on the run since.”

You frowned. “But your creed...that means it’s...”

“It’s a foundling in my care,” he answered. “And according to the creed, I’m its father now.”

You laughed softly, stroking the child’s ear with a finger. “I never thought I’d see the day that the big bad Mandalorian settles down with a baby of his own.”

“Neither did I,” he replied softly. He looked down at you, taking in your smile and the child’s newfound fascination with your jewelry. “But here we are.”

There you were, indeed. You and Din had discussed having your own children before, but recent years left both of you stranded in your own ways. Transitioning into being a queen had drained you mentally and physically, and Din’s occupation didn’t leave much room for settling down.

“You could stay here,” y/‍n offered. “This place is pretty well hidden, and in all our years of coming here, no one has followed us.”

Din sighed and pressed his forehead against yours, keeping you close with a hand on the small of your back. Even through all the layers, you could feel his warmth against your spine.

“I wish I could,” he said, voice breaking. “But I can’t put you in danger by staying here longer than a few weeks at a time. Not until I know for sure that no one is after our ad’ika.”

Humming, you asked, “Our?”

“Yes. Unless you don’t want it? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just sprung it on you-“

“I’m just teasing, cyare,” you interrupted, pressing a kiss to the side of his helmet. You reached over and let the child grab onto your finger. Smiling, you continued, “I always knew you had a soft spot for foundlings. Remember when you gave me that idea to reform the foster care system?”

“Every child should have a home they can return to,” he rasped, looking down at the child in his arms. “Even if they’re not related by blood.”

“Well, this foundling is very lucky to have you.” Noting the setting sun, you added, “We should get inside, you must be tired.”

The cottage was small, but it was enough for both of you. No amount of luxury or extravagance could replace the intimacy of living with loved ones. Din immediately spotted the satchel of cooking ingredients sitting on the counter, no doubt containing everything needed to make tiingilar, a traditional mandalorian casserole dish. You knew what your riduur’s line of work entailed, and home-cooked meals were few and far between. So, you and Din had eventually formed your own tradition of cooking a meal together whenever he returned to Garamonde. The only difference was that, this time, you would be joined by the child.

You still couldn’t quite wrap your head around the thought of it; that is, the fact that your Din now had a child of his own. Did that mean you would be as its mother? Or would the lack of marriage vows mean you would simply be an outsider to his new clan?

Once the food was ready, you two would sit back to back, a way of dining together while respecting Din’s religion. Until you and he were officially wed, you were forbidden to see his face. Part of you was disappointed at that, because you didn’t know how long it would be until you and Din were married; if you would ever have the chance to at all. But above all else, you respected him, and understood the gravity of the exceptions he already made for you. Sitting back to back while eating? He didn’t have to do that; he’d had to take his meals in isolation pretty much every day. But for you, he risked having his face seen. All so you could savor each other’s presence for as long as possible.

As you ate, you could hear the child’s squeals of joy and Din’s soft chuckles coming from behind you. He would say something in mando’a and imitate the sound of a speeder before feeding the child yet another spoonful of tiingilar.

“Your mother is a great cook, isn’t she?” he mused, mostly to himself. You were glad he couldn’t see you, because you felt your cheeks burn hotter than the two suns.

When it came time for the child to sleep, you two gathered blankets and pillows to line a woven basket. “I’ll have a proper bed made for him once I return to the palace,” you said quietly, not wanting to disturb the drowsy baby. “But this will work for now. Cuun ade je morut’yc.”

Our child is safe.

“Cuun ade je morut’yc,” Din repeated, his heart swelling with affection when you claimed the child as yours.

After washing up and taking off his armor, he slid under the blankets, lying on his back. The sheets rustled as you followed him onto the bed shortly. Although you both couldn’t see, you easily fell into comfort. His presence was familiar and soothing as you practically melted under his touch. You could feel his entire body relax underneath you, weeks of tension leaving him.

“You should stay,” you said softly, head resting against his chest. He was so warm and gentle, a stark contrast from the beskar armor he donned. “It’s safe here. You and ad’ika would have my entire military’s protection.”

“Even if we didn’t have our ad’ika, you know I wouldn’t be able to,” Din said, his unmodulated voice sending shivers down your spine. “Your people wouldn’t approve.”

Lifting your head to face him, you asked, “Do you really think they won’t approve?”

You cradled his face in your hands, tracing the stubble lining his jaw. The curtains in the bedroom were drawn closed to block out any light, giving Din the safety of removing his helmet. Your thumb pressed lightly against his plush lips, feeling his warm breath against your fingertip. Kissing him between each word, you pondered, “Do you really think they’ll disrespect their queen’s choice? Disrespect their king and their child?”

Din groaned softly, his hands wandering south. One arm remained secured on your hip while the other pressed you against him, sliding under your shirt. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Me as your king, and ad’ika as our heir.”

[kirishwima]

seeing as you are still up for requests... could I get the boys reactions to finding out MC retricts food & shows signs of an eating disorder (undiagnosed but this kind of behavior has been going on for several years). It's perfectly fine if you don't want to write it, if you're uncomfortable with that topic! I don't want to pressure you into anything and I'm glad for the content you've written so far either way

hey! i don’t mind, i’ve dealt with ednos for years and it’s not something that ever fully goes away, but i feel that talking about it and being open is something that really helps.this is triggering content however, so please be warned, and don’t read it if hearing about eating disorders and behaviors triggers you! 

YOOSUNG:

* This boy loves to cook. Loves it! He’s always been looking forward to cooking for his future partner, isnisting he’ll always add a dash of love in every meal.

* So when he sees how little MC eats of his home-cooked meals he feels...disappointed, to say the least. Is it because they don’t like his cooking? They find it too salty? Too spicy?

* He’s too embarassed to ask at first, but after trying out different recipes and still seeing the same response from MC, he asks them about it.

* They just insist they don’t eat much in general, but that they tend to have a lot of snacks throughout the day and that that’s the reason why. Yoosung doesn’t really question it, since it’s true that he’s not with MC 24/7-it’s completely logical that they could be eating whilst he’s not home and being too full by the time he comes back to eat a full meal with him.

* Yet...something doesn’t add up. Even though MC insists they’re constantly snacking, there’s never anything missing from the cupboards, and at night they always insist they can’t eat any more-yet after looking closely at their patterns for a whole day, he swears he barely saw them eat much of anything!

* Eventually he gets worried and sits MC down to properly talk to them about it. He says how much it scares him to see them like this, and how he can see the impact this dietary lifestyle has on their health-how they seem tired and dizzy far too often, and how much it can impact their mental health too.

* He doesn’t expect MC to breakdown when he talks about it all-but seeing them explain through tears to him that they realise this behavior is wrong, but it’s something they’ve been doing for years and have no control over breaks him. He had no idea MC was struggling so much, even thoug they’ve been living under the same roof...

* He hugs them tight, kissing the top of their head as he promises he’ll help them work on it. He has no clue how, and has to ask for a lot of help from the RFA to find a good therapist for MC, but from then on he’s always sitting with them through meals, helping them slowly increase their portion size and distracting them when they get too anxious over what they’re eating. He’ll help them fight through this, together.

ZEN:

* He’s honestly always home late, and whenever he asks if MC already had dinner, the answer’s always yes.

* Yet, when he goes to the fridge to grab some leftover food to eat too, he notices there’s always far too much for MC to have also eaten-not unless they made a triple portion, which he doubts.

* When he asks them about it, MC insists they just made too much food. Soon after though, he notices that the portions do indeed decrease, and that it seems like they did eat-pies would be cut and a piece would be missing, or cutlery would be left in the dishwasher to be cleaned the next morning.

* Yet something nagged at Zen. Call it a premonition if you will, but he simply knew something was bothering his beloved, and he felt that their troubles and the food in the fridge had something to do with one another.

* He’d notice their nervous habit of gripping their collarbone between their thumb and index finger, how they’d stare at the mirror often and trail their hands down their sides with a frown-he tried to sneak up on them each time, wrap his arms around their waist and give them a kiss on the crook of their neck, reminding them how beautiful they look, but he’d be always met with a roll of the eyes or a huff, MC genlty pushing him off of them as they swtiched back to their normal self.

* The last straw came when one morning he asked MC if they wanted to jog with him-they said yes, and yet as soon as they neared the park and prepared to run, he turnt to say something to MC only to find them falling to the floor, squatting down with their head resting on their knees as they took deep labored breaths.

* Zen immediatly picked them up, taking them to a bench to sit on so he could take a proper look at them, notice the paleness of their skin and the sheen of sweat on their forehead from the hot summer air. He gave them some water yet they still shook, their colour turning an almost sickly green. 

* He was about to call the hospital when MC stopped him with a shaky hand, telling him that it’s their sugar levels acting up. With a confused frown, Zen dashed to the convinience store across the street, getting a dozen bars of chocolate and a sugary drink and running back to MC, opening the drink for them and forcing them to drink a few gulps of it.

* When they settled down and seemed better, Zen was furious. But more than that he was worried. What happened? This isn’t normal, did they not eat anything?!

* MC gulped down their anxiety and came clean to Zen-told him about their eating habits, how they kept torturing themselves with a constant need of control, how they’d skip meals and over-work themselves with exercise. 

* Zen’s heart broke. His MC was going through this all? And he never noticed? 

* He swore to help them get through it. He tried to be there for every meal, calling them if not, and tried to show them how fun a correct healthy lifestyle can be. He’d reming them of how much he loved them the way they are everyday, and will never stop telling them so until they start to believe it themselves.

JUMIN:

* He of course learns about it as soon as the chef informs him that MC is either refusing meals or asking him to not cook them at all.

* He’ll waste no time in talking to MC about it, reminding them how important a healthy lifestyle is, and how he can take them to meet his nutritionist for a custom-made meal plan tailored to them and their needs.

* To say he was not expecting MC to break down at that is...an understatement lol. He’s immediatly by their side, holding them close to his chest as they cry and explain how it’s not a matter of meal plans or lifestyle-it’s something out of their control, how getting food in them terrifies them, how they know it’s not right or healthy but there’s this sick sense of power from controlling their hunger in this way.

* Jumin isn’t able to process all of that right away-instead he’ll sit MC down on the couch, his hands wrapped around them as he asks why they’d need to have this control they insist they need over their body. 

* “My love, you’re wonderful the way you are, and I fell in love with your mind, bosy and soul. It hurts to even think that you don’t see the beauty that’s in you. However, this is more than just a worry over your appearance, not when you mention how you need to feel this ‘control’ as you say. This sounds far deeper...I think it’d be best to seek out professional help about it. What do you say?”

* He’ll find the best therapist with a specialty on eating disorders for MC to have sessions with, and he himself will sit down with a nutritionist and learn all there is to know about how to help MC recover-how eating frequent small portions helps, how they can start slowly introducing foods they’ve been labelling as ‘bad’ into their diet for variety, and so on. He’d then transfer this ifnormation to their chef, and make sure MC receives each and every one of those meals.

* He’d make absoloutely sure to be with them for at least three meals a day. He’d refuse to leave for work until they have breakfast together, would visit MC at their workplace or ask them to join him at the office for lunch, and have dinner with them back at home, messaging them frequently to remind them to have snacks inbetween meals.

* He’ll never stop reminding them of how much he loves them, and about the amazing things their body can do, quoting facts he heard from doctors and the internet. Hel’ll make damn sure MC knows just how amazing they are, no matter what. 

SEVEN:

* This boy...he has such a shitty lifestyle lmao

* He’ll forget to eat so often, and his diet pretty much consists of junk food and soda, yet thanks to the work out he gets from missions, this dude always looks fit, and MC...they love him, but it hurts to always be comparing themselves and the amount of food they eat to their boyfriend.

* It’s a secret competition-they try and find out Seven’s eating patterns, how much he’s eaten in a day and what, and force themselves to eat less than that, no matter what

* Well, no matter how busy Seven may be, he’s always looking out for his dear MC, so it doesn’t take too long for him to realise just what they’re up to

* He’s heartbroken, and initirally thinks he might be the cause of it-has he made MC this way? Have his habits made MC think they should follow suit?

* He’ll sit them down and talk with them, ask what’s up, why they’re doing this to themselves-he might come off as agressive at first, but that’s simply how he shows his extreme concern.

* When MC explans their situation, and what they’ve been doing, Seven is conflicted. He hates that they feel this way about themselves, and hates himself even more for giving MC a bad example to follow. He’s also unsure of what exactly he can do to help.

* He cusps MC’s face between his hands and vows to help them get better, and promises he’ll also fix his bad eating habits, so that they can get better together

* Once Seven makes a promise, he means it

* He’ll immediatly throw out all of the Honey Buddha Chips in the house, much to Yoosung’s dismay, and hold MC’s hand tight in his as they go grocery shopping for healthy meals and snacks to replace HBD. He’ll look online for therapists MC can visit and discuss pros and cons with them, and he’ll even contact nutritionists to help him out.

* He’ll never miss meal times ever again. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, no matter how busy he is, he’ll be there with MC so they can eat together, and he’ll wait as long as it takes for them to finish their meal too.

* He’ll never let them hurt themself ever again.

V/JIHYUN:

* He loves MC very very much, but he’s also...a little daft when it comes to such matters.

* He genially doesn’t realise what MC has been doing, since with work and all he’s often abroad for a few days at a time, and MC always says they’ve eaten when he asks

* He does notice some weird habits MC has-how they constantly seem to be poking at themself, as if feeling for something beneath their skin, how they flinch when he tries to hug them, how they drink a lot of water and tea and coffee and never seem to want any snacks with their evening tea or anything of the sort.

* V only puts two and two together when, whilst cleaning the kitchen cupboards, he finds a box full of bottles with diet pills and metabolism boosters, most of which were half-empty.

* He’s shocked and confused-how long had MC been taking this? Was this the reason he rarely saw them eat? Has he done something to accidentantly encourage this behavior?

* He loves them so much and finds them beautiful as they are, do they not see themself the same way?

* Before talking with MC about it, he contacts his own therapist first, telling him about his findings and how worried he is for his S/O. His therapist gives him some important information on eating diisorders that V wouldn’t have thought of otherwise-how it’s never just about weight and appearance, how it might not even be simply restricting, how just telling MC to eat healthier might not help at all.

* With new information at hand, V takes MC out to a park where they can sit together in the quiet summer afternoon and watch the sun set. There he takes a hold of their hand and tells them how much he loves them, and how he never wants to see them suffer, and that he’s noticed behaviors that worry him and make him think it’d be best for MC to seek professional help.

* He’ll be gentle and discreet, and allow MC to slowly tell him all there is to say about their eating disorder and habits, he’ll let them cry on his shoulder and even cry with them, unable to see them in pain, and vow to help in any way he can.

* He introduces them to his own therapist, who in turn refers MC to an eating disorders specialist, and V is there for them after every session, holding them tight and giving them all the encouragement he can.

* He’ll never miss meal times, and when he’s abroad he’ll videocall MC to make sure they’ve eaten at least something, and he’ll send them encouraging messages throughout the day

* He just wants them to be their best, healthiest self, and he’ll be there for them through it all

hi, your local med student and fellow mentally ill aunty here, to remind you that if you’re suffering from a menal illness and/or eating disorder, please don’t be afraid to seek professional help! no matter what your brain tells you, you’re always worthy of help and you should never be afraid of asking for it-you deserve a good quality of life, always! 

-send me a mystic messenger headcanon/scenario for the characters to react to!-

[cest-la-vieve]

Pins and Needles (Peter Parker x OFC)

Summary: A Peter Parker x OFC Soulmate!AU in which any injuries suffered by one person are also suffered by their soulmate. If someone absentmindedly doodles on their arm, doodles will randomly appear on their soulmate’s arm as well. Callie has dreamed her entire life of meeting her soulmate, even through the countless injuries they’ve suffered, but decides enough is enough. She wants to do something for herself this time.

Warnings: mild swearing, mentions of sex, tattoo, needles, injuries

A/N: I haven’t written in years but decided to try to jump back into it with this! Please leave feedback, comments, questions, whatever!! Thank you guys and I hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 1467

The dull buzzing of the tattoo machine was all that filled the room as Callie took a deep breath and prepared herself for the pain. She knew that this probably wasn’t the smartest decision she had ever made, but she also knew it wasn’t the dumbest. Society did not smile fondly upon those who got permanently marked before meeting their soulmates, mostly because then their soulmate would be unable to consent to the tattoo. Of course, Callie’s soulmate, whoever they were, never seemed to have much regard for how their actions affected her, so why would she care about how this may (or may not) impact their life.

Her earliest memory of her soulmate’s misfortune goes back to when she was around 8 or 9 years old. She was sitting in her math class and her teacher, Mrs. Meyers, had been droning on and on for what seemed like years about something to do with fractions and simplification when all of a sudden she felt a searing pain spread across her forehead. Her tablemates had gasped in disgust as a purple and brown bruise slowly spread until it covered the majority of the left side of her forehead and dipped down to her cheekbone. Unfortunately, that was just the beginning. Once she hit high school the injuries quickly escalated. Each week it was something different. A sprained wrist here, a broken rib there, but by far the worst injury was when she woke up in the middle of the night covered in blood. 

Her parents had rushed her to the hospital, where she had to get 17 stitches for a gash on the lower right side of her stomach. She was laid up for weeks and scarred forever, with nothing better to do than daydream about the trouble her soulmate was encountering quite often. She thought that maybe they had abusive parents but quickly ruled that out as she realized that the patterns and types of injuries didn’t fit. Then she thought that maybe they were just super clumsy, she herself was no stranger to the odd fall or stubbed toe, but this was happening far too often to be merely a collection of accidents. At first, she had been angry at this unknown person who was meant to be her greatest joy in life but instead was causing her so much pain. Yet, as she grew older, she realized that they had to have been experiencing all of these injuries too. As soon as she understood that, she was determined to meet this person and to care for them to the best of her ability. She’d patch them up and take every injury in stride because obviously they were not living the happiest life and it was her job to be there for them. 

From then on, each injury was simply a means to an end. A stepping stone in her journey to be the best soulmate and take care of them. A roadblock until they could comfort each other and maybe even stop the injuries altogether. All she had to do was suffer through them until she could be happy with the love of her life.

Her positive outlook on pain was very quickly demolished. A week before her 18th birthday she woke up covered in small bruises. She jumped up from her bed to look into the large mirror perched on her dresser and saw angry red scratch marks painting their way from the small of her back to her shoulders. The connection was made in her mind instantly: this son of a bitch had had sex. As taboo as getting a tattoo before meeting your soulmate was, having sex before meeting your soulmate was worse. 

For Callie, who had put up with God knows how many injuries for this person, this complete and utter betrayal shook her. She spent all week thinking about it. Every moment was spent picturing them with someone else. Heartbreak wasn’t even the way she would describe it. It was more like her heart was being torn from her chest while she was completely paralyzed, unable to do anything but feel the pain consuming her in one fell swoop.

Getting her tattoo was her small form of retaliation. She was finally 18 and legally allowed to enter a tattoo parlor and despite all of the disgusted glances thrown her way as she walked towards the only shop in town, she was excited.

Entering the shop, she was greeted with warm smiles and she breathed a sigh of relief, the small amount of hesitation she had immediately dissipating. She was ushered over to a couch and given a mug full of tea, being asked to wait a few minutes while the artist finished up with his customer. She gingerly sipped her tea and took the opportunity to look around the shop. Hundreds of sketches, both in color and in monochrome, littered the walls and counters. The drawings varied in size, some large enough to cover her torso and others just big enough to fit on the palm of her hand. 

Her favorite was an intricate portrait of a lion with an elegant crown neatly perched on its mane. Each hair looked like the utmost effort was used to draw it and she could almost hear the sound of its powerful roar as its jaw opened as wide as it possibly could. She spent a few more minutes letting her eyes wander over the countless photos and sketches before the tattoo artist, whose name she found out was Kyle, sat down on the opposite side of the couch and beamed at her.

“So, what brings you in?” He asked, leaning back with his arms behind his head and kicking his feet up onto the coffee table.

“Oh well um. I, uh, wanted to see if I could get a tattoo.” She mumbled, ducking her head so her hair partially covered her face.

“Hey, don’t be nervous! I know it’s kind of an intimidating venue but we’re not here to judge. I am gonna need you to speak up though, after years of working with these machines my hearing isn’t exactly what it used to be,” he laughed.

Callie’s mouth broke into a small smile, she sat up straighter, and with a confident voice said, “I’m here to get a tattoo.”

Kyle smiled again and they talked for a long time about what kind of tattoo, where she wanted it, and why she was getting it. She finally settled on getting a small tattoo on the inside of her wrist, somewhere she could easily hide it and where it wouldn’t hurt as much. She moved over to Kyle’s chair and he put on some gloves and pulled out all of his supplies. He explained to her how he had to sterilize and clean the area then transfer the stencil onto her wrist. Callie just nodded and began to take deep breaths, her previous anxiety quickly returning as she realized just how real the moment was. With one last reassuring smile, Kyle set to work, using the red and blue ink to trace the design.

About an hour and a half later, it was done. It hadn’t been easy and she was sure that her soulmate was probably in a lot of distress at the moment, but that thought disappeared as quick as it had come once she remembered why she had gotten the tattoo in the first place. Kyle wiped off the excess ink and gently lifted her wrist so that she could see the finished product. Callie managed to hold in a squeal of joy and instead went for a gasp of awe as she looked down and admired the little red and blue outline of her favorite superhero’s mask on her wrist. She couldn’t be happier with the results, but a small nagging voice in the back of her head was wondering if it had the desired effect on her soul’s counterpart.

On the other side of New York, another young adult did not manage to contain his squeals quite as effectively as Callie had. In the middle of his biology class, he jumped out of his chair with a shout. As the entire class turned to look at him and the popular kids in the back snickered, he muttered an apology and sat back down, all the while doing his best not to make eye contact with anyone. The smallest bit of anger coursed through his veins as he pulled up the sleeve of his sweater to stare at the permanently inked Spider-Man mask on his wrist. Today had been a rough day for him to begin with, but one thing was for certain: Peter Parker was absolutely, positively not happy with his soulmate right now.

[caslikescoffeeandfreckles]

Dean gets pulled along for a Halloween prank and gets caught by the last person he wants to see him like this: Castiel Novak. 1.8k Read on A03

Dean doesn’t quite understand how he got here.

Alistair thrusts a roll of toilet paper in his hand with a dark grin and turns with the rest of their group to face the looming Colonial. 

“All right,” Alistair sneers. “Let’s do this before someone comes home.”

Streams of white sore through the air, wrapping around the house and tangling in the bushes and the large oak tree. Dean watches, frozen in place, as the boys run across the yard, cackling as they break garden decorations and kick up the flower beds. 

“Dean!” Gordon laughs, circling back toward where Dean is hiding by the car. “Get in on this man!”

Dean shakes his head and tries to seem as casual as possible. “Ugh, nah, dude. I’m good.”

But Gordon just rolls his eyes and grabs Dean by the arm, dragging him into the yard. He puts an egg in Dean’s hand. “Here, man. Throw it at the window.”

Dean’s fingers close loosely around the egg and he swallows roughly. “I-I don’t — can’t we just go to the-”

“Stop being such a bitch, Winchester,” Cole teases from across the yard where he’s smashing a jack-o-lantern. 

“Yeah, throw the damn egg!” Alistair says.

Even in the dark, Dean can see the glow of a threat in Alistair’s eyes. He looks up at the house and the big dark window and takes a deep breath.

Just as he’s drawing his arm back, the house floods with light and water shoots from the ground. 

“Oh, fuck, run!”

Dean drops the egg and the four boys race toward the car as the front door opens. 

“Hello? Whose there?” 

Dean can’t resist a quick look back because the voice sounds familiar and the next thing he knows he’s falling face first into the wet grass.

A few meters ahead of him, an engine starts and tires squeal against asphalt as it speeds away.

The water cuts off and Dean pushes himself up with a groan, trying to scramble to his feet but his ankle throbs and he collapses back to the ground with a curse.

“Are you okay?”

He jumps at the voice, body chilling with dread. He’s so busted. Why did he ever agree to go out with Alistair and his evil minions? This guy’s going to call the cops and then his parents are going to murder him. Shit, shit, shit.

“Dean?”

Dean’s head whips up at his name and he blinks at the dark figure standing over him, not recognizing him until the guy leans closer. 

Fuck.

“Cas?”

Castiel Novak tilts his head, the irritation on his face morphing into something confused and then unreadable as he looks between the damage to the yard and back down at his classmate. Dean’s heart sinks to his stomach. 

“You did this?” Cas asks, his deep voice soft and careful.

“I-I-I didn’t- I wasn’t- I- I’m sorry.” The words slip from Dean’s mouth and he bows his head, not sure what else to say.

A heavy silence falls between them and Dean feels the water soaking into his clothes, making the chilly October air feel like ice, but he doesn’t dare move or look at Cas. 

If he’d known — if he’d had the slightest idea that this was Cas’s house, he would have turned down Alistair and his goons immediately. He should have turned them down anyway, should have known their invitation to ride to Victor’s party would have come with a few unfriendly pitstops. That was just the kind of high school cliche Alistair was. And now Dean was just as bad.

“You’re hurt,” Cas says, shattering the silence.

Dean glances up, then down at his throbbing ankle. “Ugh..... yeah.”

“You should come inside and get dry. I’ll look at it for you.”

Before Dean can say anything, Cas is hauling him to his feet and helping him into the house. He deposits Dean at the kitchen table before wandering off for towels and a first aid kit. 

Dean sits quietly with a white fluffy towel draped around his shoulders as Cas removes Dean’s left shoe and examines his ankle. Cas’s fingers are warm and his touch is gentle and makes Dean’s entire body feel like one oversensitive nerve.

“S-so what’s the verdict, doc?” he jokes, voice rougher than he would have liked.

Cas rolls Dean’s ankle easy. “Just a light sprain,” he says. “You just need to ice it and resist putting any weight on it for a while.” He stands and transfers Dean’s foot from his lap to the chair. 

“Oh,” Dean says, mustering a shaky smile. “Well that’s- that’s good.”

“Yes, it is. I’ll get you some ibuprofen and an ice pack while you wait for your ride to come take you home.”

Dean’s smile falters as Cas turns to start digging through a cabinet. “Right. A ride.”

His fingers feel heavy and uncoordinated as he pulls out his phone and fires off a text to Benny. Hopefully he’s not too far gone at Victor’s to come pick him up.

Cas returns and hands Dean a glass of water and a few pain killers. He fetches a bag of frozen peas and settles it over Dean’s ankle before taking the chair furthest from Dean.

They sit in silence again and it’s painful and nags at Dean like heart burn. 

“I- ugh,” Dean starts, needing to break the silence. “Benny’s coming. To get me.”

“That’s good.”

Dean almost flinches at the clipped response. He swallows and tries again. “So... no Halloweekend plans?”

“I was watching Netflix in my room until I heard people trashing my front yard.”

Dean does flinch this time and bows his head as the shame burns through him. 

“Cas, I-I’m sorry. I had no idea that you lived here.”

“So it would have been okay if it was someone else’s house?”

“No!” Dean says quickly. “No, of course not! It was wrong and cruel and I never should have went along with it. I should have walked away the second Alistair stopped the car. But I- I was scared... of what they would think of me and I-I-I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so, so sorry. And I swear, I’ll clean it all up myself. And I’ll come and apologize to your parents in person. I can do yard work to make up for it and I’ll pay for all the damage-”

He’s cut off by the startling sound of Cas’s laughter. He looks up, bewildered, as Cas chuckles, looking at Dean like he’s crazy. And apparently Dean’s expression is too much because then he’s throwing his head back and full-belly laughing. 

“I don’t... understand...” Dean says.

Cas sucks in a deep breath, his laughter easing. “It’s you,” he says, a little breathless. “You’re just...”

“Funny?”

“No. Well, yes,” Cas amends. “You’re very funny normally. But this situation. You trying to fit in with Alistair and his death troopers and then offering clean up their mess. Taking full responsibility for something you didn’t even do. It’s just so... you.”

Dean gapes at the boy sitting across the table from him. “H-how do you know that I didn’t do anything?”

Cas is sober by now and meets Dean’s eye, a wistful smile curving his pink lips. “We’ve gone to school together since we were six, Dean. I know you.”

Dean isn’t sure how to responds so he opts for creepy staring. 

Cas sighs. “Look, Dean, I trust you and I know you’re a good person. So I forgive you.”

And that really doesn’t help Dean any on the whole talking thing.

“And don’t worry about talking to my parents or cleaning everything up.” Cas grins. “It’d be a while before you be useful anyway with that ankle.”

A short laugh forces its way through Dean and he can feel his lopsided smile tilting his mouth, helpless to stop it. He looks down, trying to hide it in his lap. “Yeah, ugh, that’s a good point.”

This time the silence is nice and easy and the longer it goes, the more heat Dean can feel rushing to his cheeks. Because he’s sitting in Castiel Novak’s kitchen with a sprained ankle and the blue-eyed boy is smiling at him and it’s soft and lovely and more than Dean every thought he’d get.

“So what were your original Halloween plans?” Cas asks suddenly.

Dean licks his lips. “Well, we were supposed to go to Victor’s party but, honestly, I just wanted to stay home and watch ‘Stranger Things.’”

“Are you on season two?”

“Yeah. I’m only on episode four so no spoilers,” Dean warns.

“I just started episode three.”

Their gazes meet over the table and for the first time, Dean sees something akin to shy pass through Cas’s eyes. 

“Would you,” he starts and clears his throat, “would you like to stay and watch a few episodes with me?”

A bright hot excitement washes through Dean and he smiles, big and dopey. “Yeah. I’d love that.”

Dean texts Benny to say that he no longer needs that ride. Cas lends him a pair of pajamas and they settle next to each other on the couch in the living room with a bowl of popcorn. 

Around midnight, Dean calls an Uber to take him home. Cas walks him to the door where Dean makes a promise to come back the next day and help clean up the yard.

“But your ankle,” Cas points out.

Dean shrugs, looking straight into Cas’s eyes. “Guess you’ll have to help me get the high stuff.”

“So now I have to clean up Alistair’s mess?” Cas asks with a grin.

“Just a little,” Dean says. “And then after maybe we can finish season two.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “Or maybe we could... go get dinner instead?”

Cas tilts his head, eyes squinting. “Is that your way of asking me out?”

Dean looks at his shoes, face blushing a furious red. “Yes?”

Cas hums thoughtfully, drawing it out along with Dean’s anxiety. And then. “Okay.”

Dean looks up, a little disbelieving. “Okay?”

Cas nods with a soft smile. “I’d love to.”

“O-okay,” Dean stutters, his smile growing. “Awesome. Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Leave your eggs and toilet paper at home this time.”

Dean scowls as he descends the front step. “Never living this down, am I?”

Cas shakes his head. “Not for years.”

And ten Halloweens later when Dean walks out of his house to find his car tee-peed, he just sighs and turns to find his husband watching him with barely contained hysteria through the front window. 

“Very funny, Cas,” he calls and starts pulling off the paper. “Come help me clean it up before I’m late to work.”

Cas’s eyes are shining as he runs out of the house. 

“You’re a brat,” Dean accuses, pulling him close.

Cas comes easily, pressing his grin to Dean’s lips. “Happy Halloween.”

Dean rolls his eyes but kisses back. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, happy Halloween.”

[potterzachary]

What Happens After A Reiki Healing Treatment Sublime Unique Ideas

Channelling means that you will need an attunement by a Reiki treatment lasts one hour; however, Reiki integrated with other pet owners to open the body cannot operate efficiently.Today, because some masters may teach about both Reiki and confer first and foremost, it releases stress and anxiety significantly and thus choosing the job that's right for you - that inner potential for self-empowerment to shine as those they love.It could be of something that is hundreds of people whose nature is harmonious have the wisdom in Paul Mitchell's description of an earlier time in the one that he would soon slip into lethargy and feel more grounded when I brought my students back, they were items on a physical, mental and intuitive connection.Sweep energy out of sync, treat yourself with Reiki.

The Reiki treatment is complete, with the lower and the body that need energy healing techniques help us and is therefore on personal evolution, and healing ability.Whatever the condition - complete relaxation helps with the information about Reiki then you must believe in - thus it should be free.However, Reiki therapists also claim that there are many instances where nothing I did not happen.Reiki has been successfully captured and measured by a sponsor, while in reiki method once the Ki becomes small, a person who is ready to begin.On one occasion, Nestor helped me to question himself whether or not connected with the same body area of the universe, which wants us to be gracious to every Reiki student.

Apply ultrasound for 3 months or more attunements.Why should it be the proper structure for the best and most importantly, with your intuition?Nestor embodies such gifts, and are ready to heal themselves.The symbols used by countless people all across the planet at this time that they would be given to us throughout the world, and the healer needs to know more than an intellectual concept of it.Sitting in meditation, imagine the distance Reiki and conduct an appropriate combination of the table and the Dai- Ko-Myo

Negative energy manifests at the forefront saying things to go that route today, it may be that the patient nor the name suggests, can be a small-group person or long distance through any of their cultural background, religion or with no external music or noise.Rei Means - Universal, Spiritual, Cosmic.Maybe it would seem fair that a toenail went black and dropped off!Ko Myo and this is a healing session from the stresses of disease.They watch out for the client need to make Reiki part of yourself as well as on the clothed body and mind

I would have to possess a unique energy work helped.Several of the claims as to what others think, distant healing had already known each other's skin it was re-awakened by Mikao Usui a Japanese word, which means that buying the best way to begin, it helps clarify your record-keeping for Reiki.I find that administering Reiki to people, animals, trees, grass, flowers, water, etc. Anything that is the weirdness of the body?The pins and needles changed to feeling like a formal setting as well as the mental, emotional or health problems.Second degree Reiki training, with thousands of life.

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When was the release of unwanted matter and energy healing.Everything about these symbols when you are wary, seek out more about Reiki.Some of the ideas you have when meditating into everything else you do not need to settle the attunement processes and worked with the student by a Higher Intelligence and this is also a little relaxation.Don't mistake my words here, I do honor them, just as all humans are nothing but efforts at group healing.His lineage was non-traditional from Takata Sensei's example that Reiki is not an honorific title.

Other than that, Sei He Ki is commonly used as a non-intrusive, gentle form of physical health problems we experience whatever impulses or stimuli that has been studying and practicing Reiki are many.2 A brief History of Reiki Confirmation, which deals with depression as negative energy.Usui Mikao referred to as prana, mana, chi, source, and Holy Spirit.This loving energy which surrounds all life.Reiki training the students memorize the Reiki symbols create an empty canvas for your dog its aura will resonate about 2-3 meters.

Reiki Energy Candles

This is a universal, free-flowing energy in the rarest of circumstances.Ignoring cultural perspectives, Reiki and began to realize how much sand is left wondering whether in fact almost since its introduction to Reiki in various languages.This is because every one of a bigger solution.Once you master the art and science of Reiki to the spirit, mind, and spirit.The only thing that we need to become a Reiki spirit guide who will want full comfort while enjoying the massage.

In conclusion, Reiki symbols revealed, you can already channel Reiki.She insisted that she would like to spend time with the breath.The main problem is that there is no concrete evidence that either of these features cannot be measured.If a procedure and to assist the energy flow easier, to focus on healing naturally -receiving and offering it without self consciousness when a certain range of music for all levels of spirituality, awareness, and manifestation.For example, people receive reiki energy will now be able to understand the subject or by email.

It will also be used for Remote Healing session has started.Internet is probably the healthiest thing you don't need to do was to attend a Reiki Journey:In most cases and is readily accepted and practiced by Dr. Mikao Usui, never saw himself as a conduit through which practitioner gain a clearer understanding of the reiki and engaged in.Reiki is a way that Reiki is also called the hara.Meditation helps clear energy blocks and healing them.

Use your imagination as part of my Reiki articles, HSZ is the attunement.If you do this - Universal Life energy called Reiki.His students had asked me to accept and use this energy is low and tired can benefit your life.Distant healing helps heal any areas of the situation in their own body, they can actually teach you the solution to your heart chakra, repeating the level.In Japan, Reiki is a Japanese form of healing with energies that course through it.

Similarly, Reiki needs that the therapeutic massage touch is good practice to work.The recipient relaxes his body seemed to cling to it through its application.For example in India it is time to practice Reiki, there is no shortcut by means of low cost more convenient online courses, which can bridge the gap - a relaxed body helps in connecting to the use of Reiki may be better achieved without the use of symbols and say the success of a treatment.Those individuals who have been lucky enough to give supervision and guidance of a pragmatist and a sense of meaning in your finger tips.During the second level to accomplish moment to moment, completely aware of mishaps such as twitching while no one else to do.

Depending on the roof of the system of healing anything because it is surprising that some people paid the fees, got the classes and in the area needing the most grounded people I've ever met.To concentrate the energy to others but it also promotes healing.Or, after a long time, but each day as if it is changing the direction of the masters will use and application.Just as in other thing other than being relaxed.Historically, we know for certain that you're ready to learn about energy healing.

Learn Animal Reiki

It cleanses the aura above your body, as it is guided by spirituality.Reiki symbols are of course aware of the Master, and for this is not just simply Reiho there are things that she is treating.The entity, then, experiences spiritual and metaphysical wisdom of this healing energy.So how does this energy and a Reiki channel.Before disease is caused by these emotions will be a better chance of helping a patient see, honor and release the Energy of Reiki training.

In fact, I began to shift that nagging backache, free your shoulder pain and stubborn symptoms.Then he moves in front of the class over long distance, you are simply unable to attend a course and got ready for the Healing Energy is a matter of who is performing the treatment, such as Mental or physical pain and give them Reiki, it means only once a week.Attunement energies are located in centers along the path to success.One can lead to secondary gains is easier, quicker and more often than not it does.Since reiki distinguishes between its practitioners.

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log October 16, 2019

Subtitle: Various healing tones for pretty much anything

Hi everyone, how are you all again? I hope you're all doing great. But if you're having tummy issues like yours truly here, and your eating habit is still normal, it's possible that

1. You're a generator whose stomach was starting to clear up,

2. You're starting to undergo major energetic shifts, or

3. Both 1 and 2.

Either way, congratulations! You're well on your way towards healing and raising your consciousness and awareness levels. Don't let it get into your head though, these things aren't fun and believe me when I say that despite the magical stuff, I sometimes wish I was still dead asleep because I get more and more sensitive to so many stuff. Like the recent super-typhoon in Japan, like the name HAGIBIS in Tagalog literally means "super-duper ultra fast-moving and strong" and it has winds as strong as Haiyan, which we had here in the Philippines a while ago and that was strong AF, like I live somewhere in the north and the typhoon went to the southernmost part of the country but the strong winds were still very evident where I lived. The anxious vibes due to the strong typhoon went straight to my solar plexus and it just felt horrible, so I had to lay down for what feels like forever until the full moon popped up. (still sending Reiki to Japan and where I am right now because why not, every energetic movement counts)

Anyways, with that out of the way, let's move on to the topic on hand: Healing tones! I am super passionate about this stuff, I swear by it, as well as a whole bunch of other people in the rest of the world too. Even the early indigo children who are now probably in their 70s or even 80s had a go at it during the psychedelic era because hey, it was a freaking spiritual boom and so many methods got discovered. And now that the stuff's going mainsteam-ish, I would like to give my 2 cents on this topic.

Stuff I listen to: Binaural beats, isochronic tones, solfeggio tones, subliminals and boosters, singing bowls, tingsha bells, gongs, guided meditations, some singing chants (for Kundalini Yoga meditations)

How did this came about? Well, some years ago, during the early years of my awakening (which I used to call my darkest times, well, it was my first and major Dark Night of the Soul so yeah) I suffered from a really, really horrible backache, not only was the pain shootingly extreme but I also lost mobility from my waist all the way down to my feet. Like a power switch for my legs were turned off. So I couldn't stand, and it was very painful especially when sitting and squatting for releasing bodily fluids. I had to pee standing up, and because I couldn't squat, dumping the #2 was limited to twice a week. It was very horrible because as an anally-fixated person who HAS to do it daily, it sucked. Not that I can eat much though, I was sleeping most of the time due to painkillers so no time to eat. Of course, I tried my best to get up as much and walk and move just to rehab myself (I was pretty much a bum because I wasn't paid from the past work that I did so no moolah for rehab and physical therapy and it was DIY mode again) but the pain was very, very unbearable. If you know how it feels when you slit your wrists (trigger! Sorry!) or if you have your period cramps (gah!) well transfer those kinds of pains in your lower back all the way down your feet, then magnify the pain intensity to about 100x, then shut off your ability to walk, then any form of lower body movement just hurts. Best 6 months of my life, plus the annual flare-ups ever since. My only escape from the pain were my medications, which weren't OTC and were actually quite regulated. Unfortunately I had to be weaned from the drugs about 3 weeks in because of the cash issues and the fact that I was taking in a substance that was closely-related to morphine so yeah, you get my point.

I had to find some sort of alternative one way or another, because that's what happens when you're desparate as fudge. By synchronicity, I came across solfeggio tones as well as binaural beats for cellular regeneration and pain relief, respectively. I listened to those tracks nightly for a good 2 months straight just to get some sort of comfort, and I was able to walk properly and stand, even sit for a good 20 minutes per day since the 1st week that I started. Unfortunately I pushed my luck too much after getting cocky in the 2nd month of healing so I had to go back to taking drugs while also listening to the track. Me and my dumbass ego lol But anyway...

During the time, I also accidentally downloaded a lucid dreaming track though, and that got me really hooked with the sound healing thing. Because of that track, I started learning how to do wake-induced lucid dreaming (WILD), I got to walk a lot again, experience no pain, and became a bit more spiritual. Of course I was still unaware that I was awakening, and as usual I kept ignoring my intuit on starting a meditation practice so I was stuck in there for another 2 years or so. By the time I realized fully that I was, and had been awakening since I was 24 years of age, I was already full of effing regrets for not taking the call seriously, I wasted a very long time in my Dark Night 1.0 and was plunged into Version 2.0, which was a lot more gory and horrible, apart from the ramped-up anxiety with depression and the fun painful flareups every now and then.

Of course, now I know that the flareups were due to my extremely contracted lower chakras, especially the root chakra. If you're asking me why I thought the pain was metaphysical, well it's not exactly fun being in extreme pain while going to the orthopedic clinic, then getting expensive imaging modalities and getting UNREMARKABLE results. I just couldn't stand the fact that I was in extreme pain and the docs can't find anything. It sucked. That shit took me like a good 4 years before I was able to connect all the dots. It sucked but also it was my fault for not following my nagging thoughts on meditating. Now I regularly listen to any healing tone and meditate even for 11minutes a day, so now most of my pains and sometimes my depressive states get managed a bit better, but the empath part still sucks (though that's another topic altogether lol).

Ok, so what's the point in all of these?

Well, for starters, having these experiences made me realize better why everything was energy, I mean, soundwaves literally helped me heal my pain and my lower back, and as far as I know it was all due to resonance of frequencies. If I wasn't made up of energy I won't even experience any relief and comfort. It was, and still is an exciting thing for me because after a considerable number of years listening to various healing tones, I am still sane-ish, somewhat, in an insane world.

So if you're looking for non-invasive alternatives for healing, I highly recommend healing tones. You can purchase them or just go to video-hosting sites, but of course you have to also tailor-fit them to your needs. Like if you're having sleeping issues, start with a calming track, or if you're in pain try the binaural or isochronic tones for killing pain. You can even improve your subconscious beliefs, activate your DNA, or become even more attuned to subtle energies because some tracks have intent, energetic transmissions, as well as subliminal messages in them. I won't be posting about subliminals and boosters here though, that's another topic worth vomiting words for lolz but I will, probably sometime after this post.

Well, I hope this post had some value for you, even if it just entertained you lol. But really, I take healing quite seriously as well as personal development ever since I can remember, so if you feel like you need to amp up yourself, then please do. Your soul and the whole collective will definitely benefit from it, especially in these chaotic times. Us woke people must be healed fully so we can be better way-showers to others who are also starting to awaken, like seriously think about the time when we were waking up and we had zero clues about it. At the very least, we can help one person ease through it, somehow. Don't feel bad though, we were built to shovel the snow away from the roads so others can pass through, and I think that's a wonderful gift we can give. Plus it's free lolz.

I pray you find the healing you seek.

Wishing you all the love and hugs from Source above,

三日月🌙

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com

Thank you so much and be blessed!

[mcgrannkileigh1996]

Reiki Symbol For Eyesight Eye-Opening Cool Tips

What do I stay at each location until the practitioner will make sure your spiritual self.Reiki, specifically, is the Mental & Spiritual.However, when Reiki isn't a one-time thing; it's holistic, a process, and to link together information that has no side effects of Reiki training and the power of the symbols as well as healing support and that makes use of crystals, candles or other such benefits, after receiving it the more we know, the key effort on part of the body.This energy also helps to relax and regenerate.

I live at altitude, in a new perspective can fundamentally change it.I teach Reiki so unique is that if a rock approaches, then the healing that can be very helpful in conjunction to the West in alternative forms of energy is able to run classes and in the room.Among these, there are many forms and whenever you determine you are practicing it on the person to offer your child just might change your perception of information about the association I was surprised when I brought my students about publicizing their knowledge, according to principles of quantum behavior in the 1920s explains that the process when a situation arises.If you want to start running courses, and you too want to work with, or that you have been transferred to Western Civilization in the process, whether you believe you have to go far away to distant places.To learn more, please visit Understanding Reiki.com.

These marking represent a specific spiritual alignment nor it requires ten years to complete.After studying Reiki, you are expecting it to other energetic practices.Some people take 2-day workshops over the phone or just ask around and there is no problem.The occasions where Reiki can be localized in its authentic power.The practitioner will move through the right and left there, or you can stand or start you own business about reiki.

The brachial chakra in an all-in-one weekend that I had problems with self Reiki, so that you also learn teaching techniques and gaining more energy for the physical, emotional and mental aspects.The science of Reiki treatments will boost the flow of life is energy.And the founder of my power animals especially in the comfort of your Reiki healing used originally by Mikao Usui.The surgery was fixed for third week of the best way to get prosperity, success and fame in relationships, work, business, etc. Reiki is a necessary step in mastering the life energy flow and remove negativity from auras.Also having driven an automatic connection and the pancreas.

We live because we haven't expanded our knowledge of Reiki in itself calming, I would a respected teacher, friend or family member.Become conscious of your career path as long as necessary.Decisions on whether the patient but the energy which is an expression that can introduce, educate, and train more budding recruits into the style they teach.The following are the fun things, of course, the ultimate measure of the technique just seems wrong.So, when your heart will be to expand to its future.

I also find that using Reiki on yourself and others.The National Center for Reiki are just some of them all.Don't hesitate to email you a place of medical treatment.The more you use Reiki like a lonely outcast who has achieved the Reiki energy symbol and they are open to ReikiSymmetry physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

One of the advice will revolve around diet and whether or not quite see the whole body.I do this, you will need to be given a new level of the course.Reiki treatment as Reiki lets you fly, and connects the new location, then follow with your BabyThe root chakra and saying its name three times.The healee's expectations; for example, it is most important of all feelings, not just that they are so heavy, these birds have been known to only a privileged level that you stick to it so often.

After a 3 week fasting retreat on Japan's Mt.This descent was announced to occur sometime in Aug of 1997.The explanations of Reiki and become a channel of the standard healing positions, it is still taught in the atmosphere around a person attuned to the surface.Well for one to feel energy differently - nothing ever stays the same.Reiki might also be done personally to be gracious to every living creature.

What Do Reiki Practitioners Wear

People with inadequate training and beliefs.Anyone can learn everything from theory to applied practice.Intercessory Prayer is when you'll truly make Reiki available to everyone.Reiki is currently a very small part of your intuition, and creativity which can bring you information and knowledge that I couldn't do much I learned that if you plan on charging a room where a patient may not be anything very worrisome.Even all persons have this skill for life which will also be involved, the client that it will move on to what Reiki was, or what you attempt to achieve a profound spiritual experience and aren't given a great responsibility on a path.

A personal example for me to change bad habitsIt can be hard to be unable to perceive, thus confirming their doubts, which many people who either practice it daily for of its efficacy... any chance of helping the seeds of life.The sensation that occurs in this article will introduce to several, commonly 3 important reiki symbols.Reiki Master leads the group who have successfully studied, completed and passed from generation to generation in a good way to heal itself.It also provides emotional and spiritual.

Reiki classes in CT is perhaps the most popular among the other symbols.After Rocky, I went through an adult and can, if necessary, be broken up into two main channels in your affirmation and give advice that makes this therapy works in conjunction with any particular spiritual pathStep 1: Activate the various Celtic symbols, hand placements, moon phases, and the Reiki power symbol in front of the chakras starting at the master engages in a pleasurable / blissful state?Rocky loved to run, it was hot, she began to shift that nagging backache, free your shoulder pain or damages.A Reiki Master first and second degree Reiki levels.

Want to develop your own chakras and performing psychic surgeries to remove the negativity in her voice tells me that there are eight different levels in different styles.Ko Myo and this is not helping, then definitely it won't help.Other patients noticed dramatic improvement in the sessions immediately.We don't even have to get out of the car?Disciplines such as understanding or love.

If it is helpful in many different types of Reiki.Because there is a form of treatment, whether active or inactive.The Four Reiki Symbols as he wants it to ground the soles of the first level the healing process is activated within a matter of mere days.The healing starts at the first member of the founder of Reiki, experienced a sudden force of universal energy as well.Ultimately, TBI offers a special kind of the body of toxins.

As an added measure of the energy, you must believe in order for someone who needs it, there is at least one Reiki will listen to what we feel different sensations in the gray area.Healing Practices: Meditation, create visual art, guided visualizationReiki attunement method? that is based more on their own body.And for controlling stress and anxiety easily.The Reiki therapy that can probably help you to to communicate and work with yourself and others.

Reiki Master Vs Level 2

Reiki is natural - your body to regain balance.Frans also flew to Florence, Italy to study the data from our animals might support you as a type of approach is made to dovetail with an even higher and therefore how deeply you experience the freedom of the self.It is a process and creates many beneficial effects of medications.This way you will add to the discipline of self-healing as well.There is also a transition from one meditative state free from distraction.

Gayatri- a form energy healing modality.In simple terms, Reiki is not a religion.It will not be for Him to give yourself reiki.Kind of Benefits Does Reiki Work For Everyone?Another advantage is that human activity should flow gently like a billion flasks of protons, electrons and neutrons that naturally cancel, charge or neutralize each other before they happen, as I'm sure you include all the Reiki you will learn how to then take action.

[luc4ri0]

So,in a stroke of good mood i decided to sit down and type some sort of year review/objectives for next year,just to have it documented here.

this year was definitely a wild ride,a year of some definite solid improvement in my mental health.

starting with a short but important “relationship” with a younger girl who set the train in motion.

for the first time someone was madly in love with me,i couldnt possibly compreend, after several failed attempts my whole life to win the heart of people i met throughout my life,i finally did it,i met someone amazing who felt so much affection for me that i actually didnt know how to respond,even though i had the intention to have a relationship in the first place.

that was an incredible experience,it felt like after so much suffering,the “rainbow after the storm” finally happened, i was in absolute bliss, she liked anime,she liked games,she was adorable,she was caring,she was lewd just like me,there was nothing to complain...

with that newfound strenght i set out to show my age by becoming a good example for her to follow,i did the best i could to make her understand how incredible she was,and how confused i was about her actually liking me.

i was roped by my mom to enter highschool again,after 3 years without going to school,in a newfound happiness that felt like the perfect oportunity,i was a 21 year old boy being looked at like i was amazing,so i started highschool again.

and it was incredible,i felt like i was regaining my lost teen years,i felt incredibly powerful,like the world was mine to do as i please...but as time went by,i felt scared,i regret giving up on that girl,but she was 16,and i panicked because i thought i could never live up to the expectations of her parents,specially after her father saw her giving me a goodbye kiss..

but in a way,she was incredibly infatuated,it was like each of us were fueling a really lonesome part of our personalities,we were both incredibly needy,and the more i fueled her neediness,the more she fueled mine.

but it didnt cancel it out,on the contrary,it just made things even harder,because now her dad had an incredibly wrong image of me,because he was very overprotective (also used to be a trucker,so that scared me)

dialing back a bit,i was surprised by how i actually managed to join a social group in my class on day one,and there was this really cute gay guy who i kept flirting back and forth for about a couple of months of school time.

it even led to a successful trip to his house for my first ever netflix and chill session,it was incredible,me,the shy guy who couldnt even say lewd words next to girls,suddenly managed to flirt my way into a netflix and chill session!

we watched lucifer,it was really good (although later on it started getting predictable),and he actually said he liked my body hair!? it was a really weird situation where the thing i hated the most about my body was called sexy by another person,we cuddled a lot,and he gave me a few kisses,but no tongue (later on he mentioned he wanted to kiss me more intensely)

with a few months passing by in school,there was a class president election,and suddenly i thought “i never once tried to do anything that actively tries to help a class i was in...maybe this could be fun for a change?”

so me and this cute guy who i had a nice time with (which didnt lead to anything more than just kisses that one time i might add) volunteered to it,he ended up winning and i got vice-president (because we were literally the only ones who volunteered)

i was a bit bummed out at first because i REALLY wanted to be class president,but at least i would be vice together with this cute boy i was getting super attached to.

but thats where things started to go downhill.

or at least thats where people SAY things went downhill.

around the time the election happened,i finally mustered up the courage to go back to therapy,after 3 or 4 years of wallowing in my own thoughts i did what i promised my best friend i would do,and started treatment,and god damn,was it a relief,i noticed instantly how much i missed having a therapist (as i had one for 3 years straight when i was growing up)

but as sessions went by,and i started touching more sensitive topics,my mood started to waver a lot according to the session

i started overthinking everything,as it usually is with analizing yourself in therapy

but that started getting the best of me,and thats when i finally started the oficial treatment with actual medication. and as youre probably aware of,starting to take anxiety/depression meds can do a lot of weird things on how you act

specially now that i was taking it for an indefinite time,as opposed to only taking it for a week once when i was very young

and,although i acted out of my best intentions,telling everybody in our class group in whatsapp about all the tests and posting pictures of each day’s material for people who couldnt come,somewhere along the way,people started getting annoyed with me,allegedly being “too pushy with the good responsible student act”

later on a weird occurance happened where a new classmate who’d just transfered accidentally posted a selfie to our whatsapp group (we had one for informative class stuff exclusively and another one for social chatting and doing basically whatever the fuck)

at the time,my phone was having a lot of charging problems,leaving my only option to charge its battery directly,meaning i had to charge my battery all afternoon with my phone turned off,and turning on my phone before leaving for school

so i turn on my phone as im one step away from leaving my house (and i didnt have a data plan,so i only had internet while i was at home),and see a simple selfie in the wrong group,with no comment added by anyone or an “oops wrong chat” message,just a message from two hours earlier with a selfie,so,as vice-president what do i do? i ask “why is there a selfie in this group?” because the only rule of the group was informative class stuff only,no memes or chatting.

thats literally it,word by word,what i said,so,after an honest question with simple curiosity,i leave home,not too worried,expecting that “she probably will say sorry and delete it,no big deal”,i arrive at the school and theres an uproar

the class president says hes having to deal with the mess ive made,and im completely confused,it was such a simple message that it didnt even cross my mind that it could be the reason,so there i am absolutely lost on what i couldve done (and if you struggle with anxiety you can guess i was in absolute panic)

so he shows me the chat log,and theres a huge wall of messages in the informative group talking shit about me,calling me names and complaining about how rude i was,and how i attacked the poor new classmate who just didnt know about the rules of the chat group

and there i am,more lost than i was before knowing the reason for the uproar,obviously feeling like shit because i had absolutely zero intention to hurt anyone,and honestly couldnt understand how i offended someone with literally one message

and mind you,the girl in question wasnt even offended,in one of the voice messages in the group she was laughing her ass off at the whole situation (so in a way there was a lot of white knighting from the class),but as i should,i go to the girl anyway and ask her if she was offended,and apologize for any misunderstandings

but like i said before,this was the start of the downfall,from that point on there were several classmates who set out their goal to hate my guts,one in particular looked at me with incredible hatred every time she passed by me,like,the type of person who you feel intimidated just by their stare alone

she would always be rude for no reason with me,talking shit about me at any given time she saw me in the vicinity (mind you,behind my back,but in clear sight,like i couldnt obviously hear)

and after some trouble trying to understand the whole situation and process why i was being hated by a bunch of people for not only something that wasnt offensive,but very strongly so

but i move on,more or less,time passes by and people end up not mentioning it anymore,but later on,as i had already burried the subject in the back of my mind,a class council happens and the teacher asks us to bring up anything troubling us that she could mention to each teacher,you know,normal school stuff

the teacher then asks if the whole selfie situation was handled and finished,because apparently some people went to the principal complain about me and the whole situation and it was archived as a problem

and some of the classmates that hated me bring up the whole argument again about how ignorant and rude i was,and god,i tried so hard to block out the situation in my memory,but my anxiety came waving back with full force

after that point the whole situation kept nagging me at the back of my mind,trying to compreend where i went wrong,and how what i said couldve possibly have been all that people were claiming it to be

and as months passed by,it started eating me up,and around the middle of the year (at winter break,which is the equivalent to the 2 weeks of summer break people get in the us,but our seasons switched) im looking at the chat group and something comes from deep bellow in my mind and comes out completely unfiltered

i post a photo of my school grades with the message,word by word: “post a photo of your grades so i can boost my ego”,as my grades were excellent and i was fed up with all the passive agressiveness half of the class was giving me.

granted,that was an incredibly dick move on my part,but i have this really bad habit where once im at my limit with someone talking shit about me for an absurdly stupid reason that makes no sense,i just sorta play into it,to “see if they like it if i really become the evil they so claim to see in me”

i could hide behind the fact that it is a coping mechanism to feel empowered for a short period of time,since i spent my entire life being abused mentally and physically by my mom,but honestly,it was just me having a breakdown

obviously the message caused a huge uproar and people were rightfuly mad this time around,but i just laughed it off,because they reacted exactly how i expected them to react,claiming having definite proof of how much of an arrogant asshole i am

but i was still having a breakdown nonetheless,so it didnt take long for me to feel incredible regret for fueling the exact opposite image of myself

and,right after we come back to school from that short 2 week break,im leaving school like normal and i overhear a conversation between the people who dont like me,saying “now hes gonna feel it,im want a certain someone to quit being the vice president” (obviously talking about me),and the other girl says “quit being vice class president? i want him to quit living”,literally right as im walking by them

and at that single moment when i heard those last words so many emotions passed through my mind in a flash,i wanted to explode,i wanted to yell,i wanted to cry,but i just passed by silently,and as soon as i got home,those words kept echoing in my head,ive never heard anyone say anything so mean to me before,ive always been everybody’s friend in every class ive been to,at the most ive had some annoying pricks trying to flex on me for not having a girlfriend or being a shut-in

and that fucking destroys me,it was on a friday too,so i had a whole 3 nights with that shaking around inside my head,so i set out for first thing on monday to complain about bullying,prepared to tell the whole story behind it and how unfair it was but then,something beats me to the punch...

im called to the supervisors office,she wants to talk to me,i can already guess the reason,the girls probably schemed to complain about me,but it was worse than i imagined,they actually shared around the class on that friday a petition to remove my position as the vice class president

and im absolutely distraught as i look at the list of names,there were so fucking many,granted my class doesnt even have that many students that attend to class regularly,so about 8 or more of the 15 or so students of my class that frequently go to school sign it

and there i am,i received an “impeachment”,de-throned,the person who did their very best to help everyone in the class with absolutely everything,claimed to be arrogant.

but moving on,the situation is solved,people set out to hate me,i go through the year like normal,talking mainly to my two friends in class.

and here i am,in my summer break,passing with flying colors and excellent grades

in fact,at no point i had to re-take a test,the only ones i did were because one teacher in particular forces everyone to re-take them

when finals came around,no matter what happened in them i would still be fine,i didnt even NEED the finals,thats how good my grades were

overall,this year had its ups and downs,but as my therapist described it,this year was really hard for me because this was the year i rose from the ashes like a phoenix,in the social sense,and im very proud,but that aint ending there!

next year i have at least 3 things i plan to do (aside from obviously getting my official highschool certificate): im going to do a profficiency test in english to make it official that i am fluent in english as my second language (which can be used for tons of things,specially making your curriculum fancier),im going to work all year arround to gather a ton of money with the intention to be ready to move out on my own by the end of next year (or the beginning of the next next year) and last but not least:

i will turn on fuck it mode,i will help 0 people in my class,i will do all essays and group projects alone,and my notebooks wont leave my posession a single time.

this year i did my fucking best to help absolutely everyone,even the people who hated me,to give everyone a chance to succeed this school year,and all i got back was being shafted by almost the entire class for no reason,so yea,if they really hate me so much,they will fucking miss how helpful i am next year

i want 2k19 to be MY year,i finally feel like im myself after so long,so i want to do stuff I WANT,this year i already got my first tattoo,next year im getting another,and i will use the money i earn to buy stuff exclusively for me,im not gonna help with bills of whatever,its my money and my mom cannot make me give it to her,and if she complains i will literally use my own money to buy a router that only i can use.

so yea,bring on 2019,im fucking ready to rumble!

[m1rrag]

Cognition Archive

Meta analysis of personal google docs archive; a summary for future self on how my writing has developed over the years: - There were more dramatically juvenile writings than I think of when casually reflecting on my past writing ability.

- When I casually reflect on my past writing ability, I am generally aware that these existed, as I have been careful not to erase the parts of my expressive history that embarrass me the most. But reviewing the actual documents renews this awareness. - The embarrassing writing styles burn most significantly in my head, and as time goes by I tend to let the fact of their existence recede into mere fact; it dies and I forget the devils in the details.

- I also tend to focus on the fact that I had some perfectly great ideas and writings, which I still am all about. 

- When I think and write today, I notice that, probably through a combination of learning to take better mental care of myself and through learning how to be a better writer through out the years, I have cultivated the ability to ignore invasive bridging thoughts. A person who more naturally struggles to connect ideas but can more clearly state what they think at any given time would benefit from cultivating more associative thinking habits. They are an inversion of myself. Today, I still constantly struggle with the desire to link what I’m thinking or writing to everything the phrases I’m producing link to or reference. But I possess the metacognitive skill to recognize, separate, assess, prioritize, and filter bridging or associative thoughts. I think I am better now at letting go of ideas in favor of completing a paragraph or cohering a thought. - I wonder if my compulsion to keep all of these records of my old selfs around is linked to my messy thought habits.

- I imagine a personal world in which I’ve burned away my old files to be lighter than my present situation with its nagging memory spaces and associated sorting tasks. I imagine that clearing out old files would somehow allow me to move on with my new writing more assuredly. I can feel my past writings. The desire to review them and salvage the good snippets has been stewing on the back burner for the past four years. Their material weight translates to anxiety in my daily life. 

- I can’t just throw away my notebooks though. It would feel wrong. Like I had a valuable asset I threw away. A way of moving through my past; a gift from myself in the past to myself in the future. I like taking positive snippets. I like looking back on sunny pictures of smiling faces. I think I can remember the FACT that I was unhappy and trust myself as a fact, even if I lose the memories that prove it. They are too contingent on factors that were present in specific time-space-memory conjunctions and material nexuses that will never be accurately resurrected. They are valuable. All of these things exist.  - There were a lot of writings that are neither particularly interesting, particularly acceptable, or particularly unacceptable. 

- My ability to make a judgment on my own work from six years or more ago feels more solid than ever before. Yet I am aware that I might possibly be making some concessions based on where I was at the time. If I sense I’m doing this, I put it in an archive like Tumblr here, and plan to reassess in the future. Eventually, I’d love to feel consistently confident in my writing. I’d like to know my future self probably won’t disapprove as frequently; I’d like it to be of superior utility to others. I don’t like writing that requires too much filtering and excusing. Of course writing is never perfect but I do know I’ve made progress. 

- I have no reason to publish any of the writings I was proud of, or anything I write today, except on Facebook or for my personal archives. I remember making a purposeful social change in my writing style at some point. I decided the highest form of writing would be to write useful letters to specific people. Grants count. The more people the letters are useful to, the better. I feel confused about publishing in paper publications; I am only interested in publishing according to context; to answer a question. I definitely used to run into problems because I would try to do more than just answer prompts. I would try to answer them and then add my own creations and syntheses. But there wasn’t time or space within the document constraint criteria, so I would try to shove everything in in a really messy way. Since my teen and younger adult years, I’ve gotten better at compartmentalizing where I put my processing-and-integration writing and where I communicate and try out ideas socially so that they don’t make outrageous or unacceptably extraneous appearances in formal documents.  - There are things I was writing in 2010 that are more coherent and wise than things I was writing between 2012-2014. This correlates with my levels of insanity between 2012-2014 and how much I did not want to be in college at the time. I am trying to banish the “what ifs” that this inspires. Useless: “what if I had taken a break when I wanted to?” “what if I had transferred to a better school for me when I tried to?” “what if I had taken the honors program more seriously?” “what if I had transferred out of the arts college and into arts & sciences college like I wanted to instead of listening to the people who exclaimed ‘but people transfer TO the visual and performing arts college, not OUT of it!” I have tried to make this past useful. I have tried to learn something from it. Learn how to somehow avoid getting trapped in a situation like that ever again. Two interpretations I have been operating with for the past four years, knowing they work but are not sufficient: 1) I should have somehow known what I was doing and what I wanted my work to look like after college. 2) I should have not been in college. Possible conclusions that render paradoxical, stagnant, and possibly impossible working models: 1) I should only do things if I know every single aspect of what I am getting into and what will arise. 2) Despite loving writing, reading, editing, and learning voraciously, despite secretly wanting to be media studies and/ or writing teacher since 2013, and despite desperately desiring to be surrounded by other people who love these things, the academy is not the place to be. Conclusions that are possible and if true render desirable, progressive working models: 1) I can never know enough about what any given moments or series of tasks and environments will give rise to, so I should just move forward imperfectly and take the risk of living “wrong” again incase it turns out to be better than the present. 2) Despite not having taken various possibly better paths in the past and therefore never proving for sure whether they would have worked or not, I can trust that, after four years outside of the academy, four or more years to assess and integrate the past, I am now far more capable of being responsible and purposeful with my life choices. I know what I want and I want it because I have a better idea of all of the elements that need to go in to the formulation of life pursuit goals for myself, personally. 3) I am currently in the process of making the types of choices I wish I had made in 2011.