#na Jaemin angst

[strrykais]

 you belong with me

idol : na jaemin // nct dream song : you belong with me - taylor swift warnings : none word count : 673

you absolutely hated the girl jaemin was talking to, you couldn’t help but compare yourself to her. her hair color, her height, even down to the clubs she joined. she was the exact opposite of you which only pissed you off even more.

jaemin and you have been neighbors and friends for so long you just developed this long time crush on him. you were just hoping that he would return that feeling back to you, so when college came around and he realized they give out free condoms he decided he wanted to date.

“stop glaring at them, it's starting to freak me out.” haechan says sitting across from you working on this assignment you two got paired on. 

“i can’t help it, how is he okay with her wearing short skirts like that but when i tried he literally called my parents.” you scoff slouching against the chair not caring about the project.

“look if i fail physics because you dont have the balls to tell him you like him, then imma kill you.” haechan reaches out, flicking your forehead.

“hey what the hell.” reaching out to return the flick, you both get interrupted by jaemin.

“hey guys, how's it going?” jaemin smiles, sliding into the chair right next to you. 

“fine.” haechan grumbles out gathering his supplies and leaving you both.

“whats his problem?” jaemin watches haechan walking out the door pissed.

shrugging your shoulders knowing damn well what haechans problem was. haechan knew you wouldn’t get any work done with jaemin in looking distance from you. now that he was touching distance, yeah you were useless..

“giselle is having a party tonight if you wanna join.” jaemin says, playing with the ends of your hair, smiling at you. “i hope to see you there. you never go out.”

“not exactly my scene, but yeah. i think i can show up or something.”

“great, ill see you there then, ill text you the address!” he gets up patting your head and walking off.

maybe this was a bad idea. you were in clothes that were too small and too tight, wearing make up that made you look like someone different. but you're gonna enjoy it tonight. reaching the kitchen you start to make yourself a drink when you hear a voice in your ear.

“well i havent seen you around camp-” jaemin begins only to stop when he realized it was you. “what the fuck are you wearing? is that makeup?” jaemin reaches out trying to touch your face. completely dodging him.

“yeah it's a party jaem, i had to get dressed up.” you shrug gulping down your drink.

jaemin scoffs in disbelief pulling off the jacket he was wearing, wrapping it around the back of your skirt. “what the fuck are yo-” you start to say only for jaemin to throw you over his shoulders leading you both up the stairs.

“jaemin put me down, people are staring.” you try to fight out his grip.

“then shut up till we get up the stairs.”

jaemin tosses you onto a bed in a vacant room, turning to lock the door.

“let me out.” you try to reach the door only for him to block your path.

“no. now tell me what this is.” he says waving a hand around your face down to your body.

“why do you care? you never seem to care when the girls you sleep with look like this.” you grumble out.

“i never slept with any of them.” jaemin says looking away from you, you see the faint blush on his cheeks.

“what?” 

“i- ugh you make it so difficult, i like you. i think i always have but i was scared you didn't like me so i tried to date other people hoping these feelings would subside. but clearly they haven't if i can't bear to have other guys see you dressed like this." jaemin huffs out raking his hand through his hair. 

you smile at his flustered state, “i like you too jaem.”

1k extravaganza

ⓒstrrykais

[thatsatricky1]

𝐏𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Idol Na Jaemin x (f) Reader

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: Angst, addiction, no happy ending.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 2,4k

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Alcohol, addiction, mentions of death.

𝐈𝐭 hadn’t meant to spiral out of control, it was just supposed to be one drink. Just something to relieve his stress when others weren’t around.

“You really need to start realising what you’re doing is not good for yourself Jaemin. At this point it's not just concerning anymore it’s out right blatant for anyone to see you’re not okay. You’ll die on this hill.

But that’s just it, you wont for the life of yourself except help, you continue to push everyone away, you’re pushing away your support system. You don’t want it anymore? Fine, just remember you dug your grave, now lay in it.”

That was the last conversation he’d had with her, her last words with him. When it happened he wasn’t even in his right mind to process Y/n’s words, then again he hadn’t been in months. The irony of her words would come back to haunt him daily.

Na Jaemin was an idol, and being an idol was no easy feat. It was a constant struggle with many hardships he endured for the fact he loved what he did at the end of the day. He loved performing, it was what he thought he was meant to do in life.

But artists needed something to grasp an anchor themselves down with. Many sought this with their group members, with lovers, with music itself. Na Jaemin had thought Y/n was his anchor from the start. He’d known you before being a trainee, before debuting, before becoming an idol. She was his constant.

Though at the end of the day she couldn’t always be on wait and call for him, she had her own life she needed to live as well. And god was he happy that she pursued her dream of becoming a doctor like he’d done with becoming an idol. But lovers with both very time consuming and hard jobs was something that came with a lot of limitations.

Jaemin didn’t start drinking with the intention of it becoming a problem, of course no one does. But it did become a problem. Affecting every area of his life. Alcohol was a poison and it had unknowingly poisoned so many important things in his life. And of course it had been her who would see the signs long before anyone else.

It was just an innocent way of relieving stress at first, when no one was around, when his members, his closest friends were on schedule and when you were at work no doubt having to do another shift to flu season or lack of employees. He just wanted to explore the wonderful tastes and differences alcohol had to offer.

To Jaemin he had decided one drink wouldn’t be bad to relieve stress.

Before long he craved that deliciously addictive burning feeling that would run down his throat, as fast as he could. Going from mixed drinks and beers to drinking them with straws to get that tantalising floating through his body faster to plain out downing hard liquor.

It was obvious he had a genuine problem, especially when his members told him to slow down, to maybe skip the bottle of whiskey for a night. Did he listen? Of course not, why would he when they didn’t truly understand just how amazing alcohol could be. No one got it like he did.

It affected his work life, somehow he learned and trained his body to be able to continue with practice, to perform as if he wasn’t seeing double, to get that pesky lisp to disappear while talking to a camera. But that didn’t mean behind the scenes he was, no he embraced the feeling that was being drunk.

Most mornings he wouldn’t even remember what he’d done the day before. He’d performed on stage for their new comeback? All he did was check to make sure his hair had looked good before getting up to make a nice warm cup of tea with a shot of whiskey to help sooth his early start to the morning.

Then came the cancellations. The boys wanted to do something outside of scheduled work? Was it a private bar? No? Then he’d pass, claiming he was busy with Y/n when in fact he’d be drowning in his own addiction while she was off at work on a late shift.

Y/n and he had dates? Important anniversaries? Some alone time? No he’d cancel last minute claiming overtime at work, that the boys wanted to go out and do something fun or one time he’d even excused it as him just simply not being in the mood, it had been their fourth year anniversary that day not that he remembered when he was too busy thinking of how long the liquor store would be open on a Monday night.

It came to a point he couldn’t just hide it, his performances sloppy, his lisp on full display that’s when the company made him go on hiatus with some short worded twitter and website posts about Jaemin needing recovery time for overworking.

But that didn’t matter. It meant he finally had time to just fully relax, what could be better than a cool glass of beer and his favourite girl by his side? But he realised she was often at work so he had to busy himself at home doing something, which always ended in drinking. Ending in her coming home to a messy house, having to drag Jaemin to bed once cleaned up before straightening the apartment out and finally getting the limited amount of sleep she needed herself.

It was too much, she couldn’t watch him waste away like that. Not because she herself was a doctor which was a small factor in it but because he was her lover, her one and only. She’d seen enough alcohol addictions turn south in her ward, she dreaded and feared for the day she’d be working and see Jaemin being rolled in.

She tried her hardest to get through to him, tried every route possible but it was like talking to a brick wall, A brick wall that swayed and fumbled. Jaemin not giving in to everyone’s pleas, including hers. Not noticing how much it was affecting the ones he loved most just as much as it affected him in the long run.

Being put on hiatus hadn’t been his wake up call, his band members and closet friends hadn’t been his wake up call and internally even he thought Y/n would not be enough for a wake up call. But he’d soon get slapped by reality, a stinging feeling that felt quite horrible in contrast to the sting of tequila.

Y/n was his constant. Forever and always is what he’d ingrained into himself. Until it wasn’t. Your last conversation being held in your shared space, Jaemin struggling to sit upright against the plush sofa with a red stained cushion next to him where he’d lost motor function of his hand he’d been drinking a dry Merlot from.

This wasn’t the first time she’d broken down on him about his addiction and he thought nothing of it. In a few minutes once she’d cooled off, Y/n would be back to take care of him and send him off to bed holding him tightly against her frame while they drifted off to sleep.

Instead he’d woken up the next day face pressed against the now dry stained cushion, a stain he’d never get out. Alone in the apartment with Lucy begging for breakfast. Luna and Luca, both still fast deep asleep. No sign of his girlfriend around. He’d brushed it off, maybe she’d taken up an early shift to less employees again, it was flu season after all.

Y/n didn’t come home that day, nor the next following few days, and in his drunken state he’d managed to slink back to the dormitory to question his friends. The ones who’d expected his visit, the ones who broke the news.

His slurred questions only met with an obvious reality he hadn’t even let become an option in his mind. She had left him. His girl from start to now, was gone. That wasn’t right, it couldn’t be. It was supposed to be from start to finish with them retired and living a quiet life at the end.

At first his response was to only get worse, to drown it all out. The guilt, the heartache, the obvious fact the alcohol he was using to drive those feelings out was the very reason he’d driven her out of his life.

He isn’t quite sure when he finally accepted reality but it came in the form of breaking down in front of his friends, tears soaking into Jeno’s jumper as Renjun had a plastic bowl on hand worried the drunken man would vomit with how hard he was crying, the liquor coursing through his veins no help as he dry heaved.

The company continued to disguise Jaemin’s lack of appearances and hiatus in the form of recovering his body from overworking. When in fact he was stuck in rehab. Finally facing the painful addiction he’d tried so hard to pretend didn’t exist, that it hadn’t been a problem.

It had taken so long and even then it was just the first week that was hell for him, it had taken months for him to adjust to a liquor free lifestyle, to stay sober. But in that time he learned and tried his best to reconnect with his band members, they were his best friends, they were his brothers. Being successful in that area even if it had taken a lot of effort on both their sides.

His main motivation was set in four factors; His family, his second family which was his members, his love for his job and Y/n.

It got him through the worst parts of rehab, never realasping like he’d dreaded would happen. He pushed himself to be better. His members visiting helped most. He understood and respected them when they would talk about her when he asked. Y/n was just as much a friend to them, they’d known her for years through Jaemin.

In reality the boys feared Jaemin relapsing if he knew. The news surely would break all progress he’d made. And when Jaemin finally left the rehab centre they’d managed to stay clear of her as a topic.

He’d been welcomed warmly back to work by his fans, unbeknownst to them their kind words meant so much to him considering the difficult hardship he was still living with. He missed his kittens, which had been well taken care of by the boys in his absence but he missed her too, of course he did when she had been his constant. Coming back to an empty apartment had been hard, but it was something he had to accept.

Jaemin had been so confused on getting back on track he’d missed all the signs yet again. This time for something else, something that would never fully click in his head. And the way he found out was truly bittersweet as it was heartbreaking.

Seeing her mother was like a flood of emotions, seeing Y/n’s mother would welcome him with tight hugs and cute self made gifts every Christmas. She’d been at the markets, no doubt bargaining for something. He didn’t mean to but he couldn’t help but go over to her.

Jaemin craved answers even if he wasn’t particularly deserving of them. Where was she? Did she still work at the same hospital? Had she gone through with going back to study further? Has she moved on? But most importantly how was she doing?

He wasn’t ready to see her mother turn to look at him first with plain distaste and what he could only assume was a mothers fury. But it dimmed down only pity lingering in those familiar eyes, her eye colour being given down to Y/n.

The moment the words had left her lips, it was like Jaemin’s entire world had spun around leaving him dangling helplessly just like before he’d been finally shoved into rehab. He didn’t care that he was a public figure in that moment when he’d broken down on the street, even her mothers soothing words and motherly hug couldn’t fight away his despair.

He had been tempted more than ever after that to down anything with a high enough percentage of alcohol to make him forget that day, yet he refrained from doing it. Y/n would have been so disappointed in him if he had when he’d come so far.

Even when he sat on the cold still wet grass months later he hadn't taken even as much as a sip, keeping to his sobriety. Much to everyone’s surprise. Though he did have an alcohol beverage in his hand at that moment, thumb digging repetitively in the cap.

“If it wasn’t for this, I would have had more time with you.” He couldn’t even manage to utter the sentence above a whisper, his words muted by the wind brushing through the trees.

“Maybe it would have never happened, instead that day we would have been doing something like having some stupid movie in the background, cuddled up on our sofa with the kittens fighting for a place on our laps like they used to.”

His eyes finally looked ahead instead of being stuck on the liquor bottle. Eyes tracing over words he knew by heart now.

“We were supposed to be a constant in one another’s lives, I thought at first you slipped away but I realise now it was me who left you first, and i regret it everyday.”

Jaemin hated it, she’d been his past and supposed to be his future too. So many things they’d wanted in future, that he’d wanted. He’d never see her dressed in white walking towards him to seal it with two meaningful metal bands wrapped around their fingers, never see a soft glow on your face with a swollen tummy and constant cravings, never get to have children with her that would look just like them, never grow old with her.

Getting up was always the hard part, leaving her everyday only to return the very next day. Though as usual he did, standing up and tossing yet another unopened bottle of liquor into the trash, eyes lingering on her one more time before eventually walking down the gravel path.

When he left rehab he’d imagined meeting her again, starting new. That wasn’t possible anymore, not when she’d passed away right in the middle of his rehab stay. Instead the only time he’d be able to visit her was staring at that stone. He hadn’t even been able to be present for her funeral.

All because he’d decided one drink wouldn’t be bad to relieve stress.

•

𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @rotinyzen @wonyoungmywife @snflwrhaerecs4u @thegreenlynx @serinebsblog @delululi @molensworld @morkiee @marvelahsobx @kaciebello @kgneptun @bluedbliss @haechansbbg @officiallyjaehyuns @bunnychui @audreybub

(This Taglist is used for all my nct context so if you’d like to be tagged in my nct content please comment or write to me to be added)

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: Okay so I found this oneshot I wrote ages ago in my docs and it’s like 3am now so I thought why not just post it. It’s probably got a few spelling mistakes here and there but I can fix those up later.

𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭:

⤻ Tap

[donkey-hyuck]

gn reader

—————

~ there’s something in the way you miss people.

no matter the distance, your heart will always long for the one you call home. the reminiscence of each breath jaemin has ever had within your presence stays glued to your mind. every laugh, every word, and every scent screams na jaemin in every being within you.

it’s heartbreaking, really— how much you miss na jaemin for being away. but who could blame you? no one could ever tear you apart. there’s no other being like him that could ever exist in your lifetime. he’s your everything.

but when it’s time for him to go, you hold on to everything that he’s ever had. he is your comfort. he is your person.

there’s so much confiding through a screen and although it cannot compete with being face-to-face, it works. it works just enough as you count down the days, hours, and minutes until you get to see the love of your life. the virtual kisses are, in the end, worth it.

oh, but when you finally get to see his face in person there’s no other thing that could bring you more joy than the man of your dreams.

there’s something poetic in the way you share your love.

it may sound fictional but you’re so loved in all of the right ways that life just feels euphoric.

he’s your whole. unwholly in the way that he loves you. it’s overwhelming yet brings you down to earth and grounds you. he grounds you. in the utmost beautiful way he can possibly think of.

na jaemin loves you— that much is obvious. but even he is unaware of how much he truly loves you. he says his heart is full of you, but really it’s overflowing with passion and energy.

the way you hold him, the way you console him, and the way you speak to him is forever engraved into his soul. truly, you are more than soulmates.

he is unable to formalize the right words that describe you and your relationship to each other. he’s just forever yours. he always will be.

there’s something fulfilling in the way you both live your lives.

you are your own being and na jaemin is his own. so independently beautiful and yet so powerfully connected together, you and jaemin take on the world. there’s no one else better for this position. your love for each holds emotions so maturely and meticulously handled by the golden chain that connects the pure red of your beating hearts.

both canonically infatuated with every fiber of everything that you are. there are thousands of words upon words that you both share and at the end of the day ‘i love you’ is what you need to hear the most. it’s the most important.

you can’t ever forget any moment shared between you and na jaemin because he is the most special person to every exist in your universe. in any universe.

you’re so incredibly lucky to find someone who loves you, cares for you, and is willing to be the best version of himself for you. na jaemin takes care of you in ways you can’t even comprehend.

na jaemin loves you in which words cannot describe. both as a human being and as his lover, he’ll forever pour out his gratitude for being able to grow with you.

those are the ways in which this life has chosen to gently grasp you in every way you deserve. starting with na jaemin as your guide. and you, his.

—————

hi i wanted to write something poetic and soul crushing (in a good way for once.) hopefully this is enough :)

[neowinestainedress]

GLIMPSE OF US ― SERIES

— One day you think you have everything under control, a job, the love of your life, your passions, and your friends, then one day you realize that not everything that shines it’s gold. Fresh out of college and pushed harshly into the real world trying to survive, it’s not easy to deal with life. And between ups and downs, it gets even hard to get a glimpse of the people we know best and love the most. But life’s unpredictable, and after all, it’s a journey made to make new connections and truly discover yourself, and realize that time changes people but that doesn’t mean you have to let them go. Everything will find the place where it belongs.

PAIRINGS: haechan x oc, jaemin x oc, haechan x ex girlfriend!oc, jaemin x haechan's ex girlfriend!oc

GENRE: childhood best friends to lovers, strangers to lovers, exes to lovers, lovers to exes, non-idol au, love triangle (but not really, is more complicated than that), fluff, angst, smut | requested (be careful reading these asks [n2 and n3] bc a lot of things were discussed and might be spoilers!!!)

STATUS: 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐃

PLAYLIST: glimpse of us

MOODBOARDS: the characters | the relationships (will be out when the series is done to avoid spoilers) | pinterest board (the couples' sections contain spoilers)

TAGLIST: comment to be added | general taglist: @froggyforyoongi, @wingsss45, @tddyhyck

CHAPTER ONE ― GENRE: fluff ― SUMMARY: after a year of drying tears, and three of dating, haechan’s ex-girlfriend comes back in their life and hyejin’s biggest fears start growing again. But everything is fine because hyejin and haechan fit right into each other palm. ― WARNINGS: none ― WC: 4k

CHAPTER TWO ― GENRE: fluff, smut ― SUMMARY: jaemin arrives in korea, and he and hyejin immediately get along. But while he tries to settle in, new doubts creep into his mind, keeping him hooked on her relationship with haechan more than he should. ― WARNINGS: smut, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected sex ― WC: +5k

CHAPTER THREE ― GENRE: fluff, slight angst ― SUMMARY: feelings that shouldn’t exist surface after jaemin proposes to do something with hyejin after haechan declined, and things start to get complicated. ― WARNINGS: none ― WC: +5k

CHAPTER FOUR ― GENRE: fluff, slight angst ― SUMMARY: heartfelt conversations are shared, and hyejin can only push her fears away for so long before they jump back at her, making her question if the choices made until now are the right ones. The problem is the new choices might lead down a treacherous path. ― WARNINGS: verbal fight ― WC: +5k

CHAPTER FIVE ― GENRE: fluff, slight angst ― SUMMARY: it’s time to face reality, no matter how painful it is, but hyejin is not sure she is ready for it. ― WARNINGS: none ― WC: 4k

CHAPTER SIX ― GENRE: angst, smut, fluff ― SUMMARY: everything falls apart and putting back the pieces to start brand new is harder than expected. but it’s time to move on and address feelings that have been hiding for too long, but most importantly, try to not mess up another time. ― WARNINGS: angst, smut, alcohol consumption, fing*ring, sq*irting, unprotected s*x, dirty talk, oral s*x, switchy/subby hyuck (no dom/sub dynamics tho), hair pulling, kinda hate s*x (there are unresolved feelings coming out), fingers sucking, handj*b ― WC: +19k

CHAPTER SEVEN ― GENRE: smut, fluff, light angst ― SUMMARY: eventually, everything finds the place where it belongs. ― WARNINGS: smut, public s*x, fingering, h*ndjob, unprotected s*x, oral s*x (f receiving) ― WC: +13k

BONUS

© neowinestaindress; all rights reserved. do NOT repost, modify, or translate any work from this blog on any other platform and claim it as yours. you can find my works on ao3 (neowinestaindress) and wattpad (winestaintedress_; currently inactive).

[lovesuhng]

honestly

w.c: 1.2k angst, tem uma traição, jaemin é um idiota, mas se arrepende

Dois anos

Dois longos anos

Esse era o tempo que você e Jaemin estavam sem se ver. 

Que o relacionamento  tinha chegado ao fim.

Que Jaemin sentia a sua falta. Sim, ele sentia. O peito chegava a doer de tanta saudade, doía mais ainda porque Jaemin sabia que a culpa era dele.

Lembrava perfeitamente de todas as vezes que você ia na casa dele, recebê-lo depois de um dia longo de trabalho, toda carinhosa, pronta para dar um abraço e um beijo e ele dizia: “Hoje não, tô muito cansado.”

Você percebia ele distante, fazia de tudo para achar que era coisa da sua cabeça, da sua insegurança. Mesmo com todos os foras que ele te dava, você estava lá, sorrindo, esperando por ele, deixando de viver para si mesma e vivendo por ele.

Até que um dia, seu castelo, onde Jaemin era o mais supremo rei, desmoronou.

Era um dia de sexta, tinha planejado fazer um jantar para Jaemin no apartamento dele. Passou horas preparando tudo, comprando um dos melhores vinhos e até escolhendo uma roupa que tinha certeza que Jaemin iria gostar. 

Mas, seus planos mudaram por conta de duas mensagens. 

A primeira, era de Jaemin, dizendo que iria demorar um pouco para chegar por conta de um imprevisto do trabalho.

E a segunda, era de um número desconhecido. Tinha um pequeno texto dizendo que você precisava saber toda a verdade, por mais dolorosa que fosse. Em seguida, tinha um vídeo. Era possível ver claramente Jaemin em um restaurante e junto dele uma mulher que você tinha identificado como uma colega de trabalho dele. Os dois estavam bem próximos, trocavam carícias até que deram um beijo apaixonado. Um beijo que há muito tempo Jaemin não lhe dava.

Você ficou com raiva. Mas não de Jaemin, e sim de você mesma. Raiva por ter sido tão cega, afinal, Jaemin estava dando todos os sinais que estava se afastando e você deveria ter feito o mesmo, antes de acabar nessa situação. Saiu do apartamento apenas deixando um bilhete escrito “aproveite o jantar”, o que deixou Jaemin confuso quando chegou no apartamento e viu tudo.

No outro dia, você voltou ao apartamento do homem, que estranhou quando você não o comprimentou calorosamente como antes. Ele percebeu o quanto você estava abatida, como se tivesse chorado a noite inteira, o que de fato aconteceu. Ele deu mais desculpa que estava ocupado.

“Não se preocupe, Jaemin, o que eu tenho pra te dizer é rápido, não vou tomar muito do seu precioso tempo.” Ele estava te achando ainda mais estranha, mas resolveu deixar você continuar. “Eu recebi uma proposta de emprego na Itália e aceitei. Semana que vem vou me mudar.”

Levou o tempo para Jaemin processar tudo o que você estava falando. Queria te dar parabéns, mas tudo que conseguiu falar foi: “e nós dois?”

Você deu uma risadinha sem graça como uma forma de mostrar sua indignação, sem acreditar no que estava escutando.

“Jaemin, há muito tempo que não existe mais um ‘nós dois’. Você está sempre distante, cansado, não tem mais tempo para nós.”

“Mas eu realmente estou ocupado…”

“Só não está ocupado para a sua coleguinha.” Não queria mostrar que estava com raiva, mas não conseguiu se controlar com tamanha cara de pau do companheiro. Jaemin abriu e fechou a boca várias vezes, mas não conseguia nem se defender. Sabia que estava errado. Com o tom de voz mais calmo, você falou o que seriam suas últimas palavras para ele. “Já vivi muito para você, Jaemin, mas agora, tenho que viver mais para mim. Adeus.”

Desde esse dia, Jaemin tinha se dado conta que você era um pedaço dele. Todos os dias se martirizava por ter te perdido. 

Ele tentou falar com você algumas vezes, mas foi ignorado em todas elas. Terminou o casinho que tinha com sua colega de trabalho, passava noites bebendo e chorando no ombro de um dos seus amigos, que eram seus também, mas, em respeito ao seu pedido, não davam notícias suas a ele. 

Era visível a diferença de Jaemin antes e depois de você ter passado na vida dele.

Ele não tinha te superado. Pensava em você sempre. Te via em todos os lugares. Por isso achou que era uma miragem quando te viu na festa que Jeno estava dando na casa dele. 

Estava… diferente. Estava confiante, mais alegre, irradiava um brilho que há muito tempo Jaemin não via em você, até mesmo quando estavam juntos. Mas continuava linda, a mesma mulher por quem tinha se apaixonado. E também feito sofrer. 

Você percebeu que tinha alguém te olhando profundamente, se surpreendeu ao ver que era Jaemin e ficou ainda mais surpresa quando viu como ele estava. Não tinha a mesma alegria de antes, o brilho que você sempre via nele não estava mais lá, as orelhas embaixo dos olhos indicavam que há noites ele não dormia. Continuava lindo, mas não tinha a mesma magia de antes.

Depois de um tempo interagindo com as pessoas que há muito tempo você não via, decidiu ir para a varanda, tomar um pouco de ar.

“É tão bom te ver depois de tanto tempo” Mesmo sentindo uma presença perto de você, tomou um leve susto quando a voz grave de Jaemin adentrou os seus ouvidos. Se virou para olhá-lo, ele tinha um sorriso no rosto.

“Digo o mesmo.” Você estava sendo sincera, afinal, antes de ser seu namorado, ele foi um grande amigo.

Jaemin deu uns passos, ficando ao seu lado. Ambos voltaram o olhar para a vista da cidade.

“Quando chegou?”

“Tem alguns dias. Dessa vez voltei para ficar.”

Um sorriso esperançoso surgiu nos lábios de Jaemin, assim como um brilho em seu olhar.

“Esse tempo fora fez bem para você. Você está…” 

“diferente?” Completou vendo que Jaemin tinha se perdido nas palavras.

“Isso.” As mãos no bolso da calça mostravam como Jaemin estava nervoso por falar com você naquele momento. “Olha…” Se virou para você fazendo com que você também direcionasse sua atenção a ele. “Senti tanto a sua falta.”

“Jaemin, é..”

“Deixa eu terminar, por favor. Eu fui um idiota por ter te tratado daquele jeito. Nunca me perdoo por ter te machucado, por ter te perdido, por ter feito a pessoa que mais amei sofrer. Infelizmente, precisei te perder para entender o quanto você era uma parte essencial da minha vida. Sei que você deve me odiar, mas ainda continuo te amando e acho que vai ser difícil mudar o que sinto.”

Via que Jaemin estava sendo verdadeiro, os olhos marejados eram a prova disso. Se aproximou um pouco de Jaemin e fez um carinho na bochecha dele. O mesmo fechou os olhos, deixando uma lágrima cair, você rapidamente fez questão de limpá-la.

“Jaemin, eu nunca seria capaz de te odiar.” Uma luz de esperança acendeu no coração do homem, mas foi apagada rapidamente quando você continuou. “Mas, não importa o quanto eu tente, meu coração não bate por você da mesma intensidade de antes. Sei que você tentou falar comigo através dos nossos amigos, mas eu precisava desse tempo. Precisava me descobrir. Finalmente fiquei livre, que agora não vivo mais em função de ninguém.” Respirou fundo, dando um pequeno tempo para Jaemin processar o que você estava falando. “Jaemin, você foi uma parte importante da minha vida,mas no momento tudo que eu preciso sou eu. Espero que você entenda isso e consiga finalmente seguir em frente. Não vou te dar esperanças, porém ninguém sabe o que pode acontecer no futuro. Mas fique sabendo que quero te ver feliz.”

Você saiu dali, deixando um Jaemin abalado, pois a única coisa que o poderia deixar feliz era você nos braços dele.

[liliansun]

summary : he was cute, he knew how to poke at her soft spots and he knew what to say to make her laugh, but mal wasn’t like any other girl. she knew his type and she knew they’d never get past messing around in the night and forgetting about it during the day. so why is he always on her mind, even after he left? guess that last kiss he gave left more of an impact on her then he thought it did.

college kids : nct dream members, my friends are the inspiration for the female profiles (joy, loki, niwa and esa)

started : 10 | 11 | 23 finished : 11 | 25 | 23

warnings : mostly posted by chapter, language, mentions of alcohol, college au, fluff, angst, friends to lovers, anything else will be added accordingly

taglist : @dinonuguaegi @shwizhies @jaylaxies @dearlyminhyung @minkyuncutie @cutesince2000 @haechansbbg @i6renj @luv4jeno @softieluvsyou @haechology @nanawrlds @tywritesstuff

every chapter will mostly be written in mal’s pov unless it’s obvious into another otherwise

🎧 : part of the speak now (polaroid version) playlist

please send in an ask or comment to be added

00 : [ deranged and delusional ] : [ struggling college kids ]

01 : tony the tiger

02 : playing match maker

03 : could’ve gone worse

04 : ITS NOT GONNA WORK

05 : trust fund child??

06 : best friends ever

07 : i’m not jealous

08 : ✨girl dinner✨

09 : hypothetically ofc

10 : what do you want

11 : baby i’m just here

12 : would that be a problem? (0.5k)

13 : it all hits diff

14 : breedable and submissive

15 : joy? life360

16 : ROAD TRIP 🥳

17 : bark for me

18 : pick up the pieces (0.9k)

19 : see you around

20 : middle man

21 : ITS A SOULMATE THINGGG

22 : THERAPY SESSION 📣

23 : go get your man

24 : can we talk here yet?

25 : my answer for you (1k)

26 : this wasn’t about me

27 : my boy my boy my boy

28 : excited for summer [ final ]

[ningningsdream]

everyone’s but no one’s | n.jm

pairing: fuckboy!jaemin x college student!reader (ft. sungchan)

genre: college!au, roommates-to-lovers!au, fluff, angst

word count: 19.4k

description: in which your roommate is the guy every girl on campus either slept with or want to sleep with and you have had bad experiences with fuckboys before.

warning(s): alcohol, mention of sex, mention of past relationship traumas (cheating, lying)

taglist; @thatanonymousgirl-as14 @sugazwrld​ (only tagged the people that seemed to be active still, tell me if you want to be removed or added for the next ones)

a/n: this is apart of my new series of roommates-to-lovers with the dreamies, sweet life. i feel like this one is so messy.

main masterlist

suddenly changing university in the middle of your first year was definitely something you didn’t plan but unfortunately the course you chose for your second semester was suddenly moved to their other uni in seoul and apparently they ‘forgot’ to inform the students so a bunch of you had to prepare to move to seoul for the last or change your course. you took some time to decide because you really wanted to stay where you were. the uni was not that far from your house, so you didn’t need to move into a dorm which save you lots of money but on the other hand, you were really excited for that course. so you decided to pack enough clothes for a few days and went to seoul during your summer break, in search of a place to stay.

once you were in seoul, you quickly visited the university you were soon going to attend and asked the secretary if there was any way for you to know if someone on campus needed a roommate. the male assistant directed you towards a board where papers with numbers of students searching for a roommate were scatter. you picked a few tickets with numbers on them along with a picture of their respective flyer.

all you wanted was to find someone nice enough to accept you as a roommate, someone you could maybe be friends with and hang out with. you didn't expect to 'audition' to be one, but at this point, you spent almost your whole summer break looking for a place to stay and you were desperate. you’ve called multiple people, but it seemed like the university didn’t update the board at all because most of the people you ended up calling had either already found someone or moved out of their old place. only one person responded positively to your call but what happened afterwards was pretty unusual. you had to answer multiple questions and pass multiple 'rounds' to finally have someone telling you they'll call you back. you were almost sure you went to the wrong place until one day, when you were watching netflix on the couch of your airbnb, someone called you and told you that you were 'selected' to be the new roommate.

you thought that the process was really weird, i mean who says, 'you've been selected to move in'.

at first, you thought that maybe it was all a scam and that maybe you were going to be kidnap but the guy who asked you all the questions seemed to be around your age and quite nice.

the next day, you took your suitcase, that contained all the things you could bring to seoul, and took a taxi to your new apartment. the building was pretty far from your university, so you had to take the public transportation, but you were okay with it because it was the only place that was available and affordable for your broke ass. it was a pretty simple apartment building with two elevators and a guard. you thanked god for the entrance that was facing an open street rather than an alleyway.

you knocked on the door with one hand while the other one was resting on the mini pepper spray in your pocket just in case. a pretty cute guy opened the door greeting you with a smile, ”oh you must be y/n, right?”, he asked after spotting your suitcase. you nodded and he stepped aside, opening the door wider for you to come in.

“nice to meet you...?”

“jaemin, na jaemin.”, he gave you the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen.

“nice to meet you, jaemin. not to be rude but are you living here too? i thought the guy who asked me all the questions the other day was the only one living here.”

“oh, chenle? nah, his apartment is much nicer than this one. i just asked him to take in some candidatures while i was working and from what i've heard he went a little overboard with the interviews...”

you chuckled at his words. 'overboard' was indeed a way to describe chenle's method.

jaemin then showed you your room and you were happy that it already had all the furniture you needed so that you wouldn’t have to waste more time furniture shopping. you told your new roommate that all of your other stuff were arriving tomorrow just so that he wouldn’t be surprised by the temporary mess that will be present in the living room in a few hours.

you woke up to an empty apartment and a note on the kitchen counter.

hey, i went to work and i’ll be back this afternoon. i made breakfast, it’s still on the stove. enjoy~ -your cute roommate ;)

you tasted the food jaemin left for you, and it was surprisingly really good. you didn’t expect him to be that good of a cook.

when you received a call from the driver of the moving truck your parents hired, you immediately made your way down to the front of the building and were welcomed by a nice looking man by the name of taeil, he even helped you carry them in and out of the elevator on your floor. you thanked the man as he left and started to carry your boxes from the hallways into your living room. after some time, you really started to curse yourself for having so many things, your arms started to ache and your back started to hurt a little. you almost had a heart attack every time the elevator opened and one of your neighbors stepped out, giving you a weird look.

“oh my god, you scared me!”, you jumped at the sudden interruption in your silence, almost dropping the box in your hands, “do you want some help?”, he said, holding his arms out so you could give him the box.

“it’s okay, i’m almost done anyway.”, you gave the stranger a smile.

“alright. i’m hyunjin by the way. you’re jaemin’s new roommate, right?”

“yeah, are you going to seoul marketing as well?"

hyunjin nodded, "what are you majoring in?"

"international exchange and you?"

"business administration.", he answered as you arrived in front of your respective door, "well see around and...good luck...with jaemin.", he smirked, knowingly.

you furrowed your eyebrows, understanding that he was implying something but not knowing what it was, "what do you mean?"

"well...you know...", he smiled, eyes expressing something you couldn't decipher. upon seeing the look on your face, his expression changed to one of confusion, "you don't?"

"i just transfer from the gwangju branch so i don't really know anything about what's going on here."

"oooh.", hyunjin nodded as he understood now why you didn't know what everybody knew, "well, jaemin's a pretty notorious fuckboy and you being...", he said, his hand showing you.

" i see. i'll keep that in mind, thanks.", you said before entering your new apartment.

you really couldn't escape them, could you?

"hey, roommie! dinner's ready!", jaemin called you from the kitchen.

you walked into the kitchen confused as you saw jaemin setting two plates down onto the small table for two.

"oh. you didn't have to. i was going to order something.", you said, feeling guilty.

"i'm saving you money. we're student, we're broke."

jaemin wasn't wrong. you didn't often eat out but since you spent your whole day opening boxes and arranging your room, you were too tired to make yourself something to eat, plus, you didn't have time to go grocery shopping.

"you should have called me to help you.", you said.

"it's alright. consider this a welcome diner.", he smiled in a way that made you wonder how that soft face of his could be one of a fuckboy.

you sat opposite him and looked at the pasta dish in front of you.

"i made gochugang pasta."

"gochugang pasta?"

the combo sounded weird to you but gochugang and pasta were good separately so why not together. you picked up the fork by your plate and tasted jaemin's dish. you didn't notice but he patiently waited for your reaction. as soon as the pasta touched your taste buds, your eyes widened in surprise. you chew and nodded at the same time, "woah. that's really good!", you complimented.

jaemin smiled in satisfaction, saying, "glad you like it, i got the recipe from a friend."

you continued to eat in silence for a while before jaemin broke it, "what are you majoring in?"

"international exchange, what about you?", you asked.

"retail communication. why did you...transfer here, if you don't mind me asking?", jaemin was quite hesitant to ask since it could be a sensitive topic.

"a course i chose for this semester was moved to seoul so i decided to move with it. it was either that or change it to something boring so..."

"i see. tomorrow's your first day, right? i can give you a ride to campus if you want."

"oh you don't have to-"

"i insist. it'll be dumb to let you use public transports when i can just drive you. it's not like it's somewhere i wasn't going too."

"thanks...again."

what your neighbor told you have been on your mind the moment you closed the door to your apartment after speaking with him. you've frequented a handful of fuckboys in your life so you knew to stay away from them. you didn't know what type of fuckboy jaemin's was yet but you sure were going to be careful and not get involve more than necessary with him.

the next day when you arrived on campus with jaemin by your side, some people stared at the two of you, whispering among themselves, thinking you wouldn't be able to hear.

"who is that?"

"probably his new toy of the moment."

"too bad, i was hoping it'll be my turn."

"just wait a week and he'll be over her."

you rolled your eyes, annoyed by all the stares and whispers. you really hated how people could be so foul behind your back. jaemin noticed and felt guilty since his reputation was impacting you.

"you know the way to your first class, right?", jaemin asked you, snapping you out of your thoughts. you nodded, taking your schedule out of your tote bag, "okay, see you later, ROOMMATE.", he almost shouted the last word, shutting down all whispers. you smiled at him in gratitude before walking to your first class of the semester.

you took a seat in the middle rows of the auditorium waiting for the class to start.

"hey. is this place available?", someone asked, pointing to the seat next to yours. you nodded and the person smiled at you, sitting down, "i'm ryujin, by the way. everyone seemed to be with their own friends so i hope you don't mind me being next to you."

"not at all. i actually just transferred here so i literally just know my roommate."

"oh really?"

"i'm y/n, by the way."

"who's your roommate? maybe i know them."

"everyone seems to know him...", you said, "na jaemin is my roommate."

"oh.", ryujin's eyes widen as she stayed silent for a second, her lips forming the letter 'o'.

"is he that bad?"

"he is not bad...just very very popular."

"i heard he was a fuckboy but i didn't think it would be that big of a thing. people stared at me when we arrived together this morning, like we were some kind of reality show or something."

"he's not just 'a' fuckboy, he's 'the' fuckboy. he practically put out of business 90% of the fuckboys in this uni."

"what really?", you didn't know if you should be impressed or disgusted.

ryujin nodded at your statement, "everyone knows though that if they get with him, it's not gonna last. of course, some are still delusional and think they can 'change him'."

you nodded, acknowledging her words. you couldn't judge those girls, having been of that same path too many times.

your professor entered the room, silencing every conversation going on. you focused on your class, pushing all thoughts concerning your roommate to the back of your mind.

going grocery shopping after class, want to come?

jaemin texted you during your last class.

sure

you responded. you needed to go grocery shopping anyway since you just moved in and had nothing to feed yourself at the apartment. so you found yourself in the snack aisle with jaemin by your side, helping him debate whether or not he should buy two packets of gummies or only one.

"you know what? take your time. i'll go get some other things.", you said before walking to another aisle.

after five good minutes on debating with himself, jaemin put one gummy packet down and went on his way to find you with the shopping cart. he spotted you in front of a sample stand, jumping up and down, looking at what an ahjumma was making.

"what got you all excited, bunny?", he asked with a grin as he stopped the shopping cart near you.

you didn't notice the nickname he called you, being too focused on the ahjumma, "they have those dumplings here!", you said, excitedly pointing at the food, "i grew up eating those."

the ahjumma smiled at your excitement and so did jaemin. she cut a piece of dumpling in two, stabbing them with two toothpicks.

"here, try it.", you handed one to jaemin as you ate yours, but the boy just ate it from the toothpick you were holding instead of taking it himself, making you feed him, "woah, tastes just like i remember it. do we have some place in the freezer?"

jaemin thought about it for a moment before nodding.

"i'll take two bags of these, please!", you smiled at the ahjumma.

"aigoo~ aren't you two a cute couple? your girlfriend is really cute!", she cooed, giving jaemin the bags of dumplings.

your eyes widened at the remark, ready to politely correct the lady but jaemin beat you to it, "yeah, isn't she?"

that wasn't what you expected him to say. you gave him a look of confusion as he ignored you, smiling at the ahjumma.

"aigoo~ here, take this!", she handed you a coupon for a discount on the dumplings you were going to buy.

"thank you!", you both bowed to the older woman before walking away.

"what was that?", you asked.

"what was what?"

"that whole girlfriend/couple thing?"

"calm down. didn't want to make the ahjumma sad, did you? plus, we got a discount. a friend of mine told me things like that work."

you two got in line to pay your groceries and when jaemin put a separator between his snacks and your groceries, you removed it, saying, "i'll pay for your snacks."

"no, it's fine.", he said, reaching out for the separator you put back but you stopped by grabbing his wrist.

"i'm paying. take it as a thank you for the dinner last night and for driving me to uni today."

"well, you're welcome, and thank you.", jaemin smiled.

you understood why jaemin was so popular. you just had to look at him. his dyed blonde hair always looked perfect, having that messy but sexy style. his personality seemed sweet as well, at least on the outside. if you'd have met him a couple years back, you would have totally fell for him.

"by the way, i usually go grocery shopping on saturdays, every other week. just tell me if you'll want to tag along.", jaemin told you.

"hey, bunny, we're having a movie night wanna join?", jaemin asked you, popping his head in your room through your door.

"who's we? and stop with the nicknames.", you whined, getting up from your bed and opening your door fully before getting out.

"how can i when your reaction's so cute?", jaemin said, making you roll your eyes.

one thing you learned about jaemin from living with him 24/7 was that it was in his second nature to flirt. one of his flirting habits was giving people nicknames. he had called you many since you started living together. from roommie to babe to baby to bunny. bunny was the one he used the most on daily basis. it was weird at first since you thought he was hitting on you or something but you learned that it was just something he was used to doing when you heard him call other people nicknames as well. it even made you wonder if he didn't just forget the names.

"does he always have to be like that?", you asked no one in particular as you walked to the living room.

"always and that's not the worse of him.", a third party sitting on your couch said.

"jeno, this is bunny. bunny, this is my friend, jeno."

"i'm y/n.", you quickly corrected, "so what are we watching?"

"the last violet evergarden movie."

"ooh, so we're gonna need tissues.", you walked to the kitchen table and grabbed the box of tissues on it to put it on your coffee table in front of your couch.

you didn't expect the first person to shed tears to be jaemin. he was full on sobbing, monopolizing the box of tissue to himself. jeno and you gave each other a look before looking back at jaemin who was sitting between the two of you.

"aiya, stop sobbing so hard, we can't hear the movie.", you joked, patting his shoulder.

"you can read the subtitles. i'm saaaad!", jaemin whined while dropping side ways, his head landing on your lap as he kicked his feet on jeno's lap. you were surprised by the gesture at first and looked at jeno to see his reaction.

his friend looked like he was used to it and kept watching the movie. feelings eyes on him, he turned to face you and you just looked down at jaemin and back at jeno with a questioning look.

'you'll get used to it.', jeno mouthed to you before returning his attention to the tv.

you sighed, looking down at the boy on your lap, "get snot on my pajamas and i'll make you cry harder than this movie.", you warned, even thought your whispers were soft, your threat was very real.

you put your hands on top of his head, having no where else to put them since jaemin literally took all the space that was available. your focus was back on the movie completely forgetting jaemin's head until you realized one of your hands was stroking his hair softly. you immediately stopped the habit you picked up through your years of dating and crossed your arms over your chest to stop yourself from doing it again. you thought you heard a whine before jaemin raised one of his arms and waved it around in your direction. you frowned, grabbing it to stop him from hitting you right in the face by inadvertence. jaemin's other hand grabbed your hand holding his arm and put it back in his hair. you didn't move at first, not really sure of what he wanted. jaemin started moving his head around and you finally understood, he just wanted you to play with his hair again. it's been a while since you've been this domestic and to be honest you kind of missed it.

no.

stop thinking about that.

when the credits started rolling, jaemin sat right up, declaring, "i need to drink and talk about my feelings.", he was being dramatic about the feelings part and just wanted to chitchat.

"i don't drink but i'm down for the talk.", you shrugged.

"sorry, gotta go. roommate emergency.", jeno said, raising his phone.

jeno bid his goodbyes and left your roommate and you alone, "still down for drinks and gossip?", jaemin asked you.

"sure.", you said from the couch, stretching your legs on it.

"what do you want to drink?", jaemin asked from the kitchen as he stood in front of the open fridge.

"i bought a bottle of peach juice. it's coral."

"got it!", you heard him open your cupboards in search for glasses, "do you want a glass, a cup or...?"

"just give me a soju glass as well.", your turned to look at jaemin to see him already looking at you with furrowed eyebrows, "what? it's so you wouldn't feel alone."

"gee, thanks.", jaemin said, sarcastically, as he made his way back to the living room.

"thank you.", you said, as jaemin put everything down onto the table.

"you don't drink at all?"

"i do drink sometimes. i cut back on the alcohol because i used to drink my brains out and forget everything that happened after my fifth drink.", you sat up, reaching for the bottle of peach juice.

"understandable. what kind of drunk are you?", jaemin asked, sitting on the couch.

"from what i heard, i'm quite the hoe but again i was always horny so that may have contributed. i haven't been drunk in a while, you? what kind of drunk is the infamous fuckboy na jaemin?"

jaemin rolled his eyes at the title, "you can say i'm quite the hoe as well."

"shocker.", you said, sarcastically.

jaemin rolled his eyes again, "not nice, bunny. i just get clingy. don't mind me if i start hugging you, you can just push me away."

"i'm fine with that as long as you don't try to get in my pants."

"me? i'm not like that, bunny.", he said jokingly making you two laugh, "more seriously, when i'm drunk drunk, i'm never horny, that's why i don't drink a lot at parties.", he winked at the end which made you make an exaggerated gagging expression.

"anyway, how have you been acclimating so far?"

"good. i made some friends, shin ryujin and yoo jimin.", you stopped in your story, as something came to your mind, "did you fuck them?"

"mmmh, haven't fucked them...yet.", he said the last word with a grin after moving his upper body closer to you.

"you're disgusting.", you said, pushing his head back.

"i was jokiiing!", he whined, rubbing his forehead and taking a shot of soju as you rolled your eyes.

"so what's your fuckboy story?", you asked, sipping on your peach juice.

"fuckboy story?", jaemin looked at you with a confused look. you could see he was already a bit tipsy thanks to his rosy cheeks.

"every fuckboy has that one girl that broke them so much that they take their revenge by using the rest of the female population?"

"that's...", jaemin stopped himself, struggling to find a word to describe what he wanted to say, "anyway, i don't have one.", he said, giving up.

"what do you mean you don't have one? you're just being a jerk without any reason?"

"you're hurting my little heart with your harsh words.", jaemin said, placing his hands on the left side of his chest with a pout on his face.

jaemin looked really cute right now. you had to give him credit when it was due.

"do you even have one?", you were only joking when you said this but then jaemin started to bawl his eyes out. you thought he was joking at first, but when the tears didn't stop, you started to wonder if the two bottles of soju he just consumed made him more sensitive, "woah, woah, woah. i was just joking! stop crying, please?", you panicked. you put your glass down and scooted closer to your roommate, "jaemin, stop please.", you shook his shoulders softly to get his attention but he didn't stop, continuing to sob loudly, "pretty, pleeaase?", you decided to stroke his ego and it worked.

the cries suddenly stopped and jaemin looked at you with a big smile, "you called me pretty!"

you looked at him with a deadpanned look on your face, "come on. time to stop drinking. it's getting late and you're obviously drunk.", you grabbed your two empty glasses and bottles of soju along with your peach juice and put them away in the kitchen, quickly washing the glasses.

you expected jaemin to be sleeping in his room after you finished tidying things up but he was still sitting on the couch.

"jaemin...what did i say?", you put your fists on your hips like a mom scolding her child.

"but i don't want to sleep.", jaemin whined.

"we have class tomorrow, you have to sleep."

"bu-"

"no buts. come on.", you grabbed his wrist and pulled him up. thankfully, he didn't resist at all or you'd have struggled a lot more with your non existent strength.

you tucked him in bed and turned around to go back to your room but jaemin stopped you, asking, "where are you going?"

"back to my room? to sleep?"

"why can't you sleep here?", jaemin whined, patting the empty space next to him.

"because we're not that close."

"why can't we be?"

"because.", you saw jaemin pout even more at your answer and sighed. you walked towards him again and patted his head, "goodnight, jaemin. i'm going to choke you if you don't go to sleep."

"i'd like that.", jaemin muttered before closing his eyes and cuddling into his covers.

that night you discovered a new side to your roommate and you much preferred that side to the one he usually showed. and jaemin kept thinking about your question. that one girl he will never forget.

"hey, bunny. i'm going out, don-", jaemin shouted from the living room but got interrupted by you walking into room with a different than usual kind of outfit on.

"oh, you're going out too? is it 127's party?", you asked after looking at his outfit.

"yeah...", he didn't really listen to what you were saying, he just heard your last words and guessed that you were talking about the party. his eyes were too busy, scanning your figure. you were wearing a black bodycon dress with a long mesh top underneath, knee high platforms and your makeup was more suited to a night outing.

you noticed jaemin staring when you continued talking but he didn't seem to respond, and rolled your eyes, "can you turn off your fuckboy mode for one second?"

"i just didn't know you could dress up like that, princess.", the smirk on his face made you roll your eyes one more time, "what were you saying?"

"i'm going to sleep at ryujin and jimin's tonight and are you heading to the party now? to know if you could give me a ride.."

you ended up going with jaemin, texting jimin that she didn't have to pick you up. when you arrived at the party and managed to find your friends, you never saw jaemin again at that party.

since you didn't drink anymore, you were automatically the designated driver. jimin gave you her keys and the three of you had a lot of fun all night.

you met ryujin on your first day on campus and you two got along immediately. she was the one who caught you up on all the dramas going on on campus. that same day, you met jimin, ryujin's friend and roommate, who also became your friend. she was like a mom to you and took great care of ryujin and you, her two insufferable children. the two of them were worried about you living with the uni's ultimate fuckboy at first but you reassured them by telling them that you had no interest in a frugal relationship and their worries decreased as the weeks went by.

jimin was the one from whom you've learned more about jaemin's past. it was during lunch when you witnessed a scene between jaemin and his, then, current hook up. she had slapped him and ran away, hiding her face, probably crying.

"poor girl. another victim on na jaemin's list.", ryujin said, shaking her head before returning to her food.

"it's crazy how things can change.", jimin said, eyes following the girl who ran out of the cafeteria.

"what do you mean?", you asked her.

"i was in high school with jaemin and he wasn't like that back then.", you gave her a look that meant you wanted to know more, "he was quite popular back then as well but he always declined every confession he received, all really politely without sleeping with them first or anything. rumors spread about him dating someone secretly or having a crush on someone."

after hearing that, you found your roommate more mysterious than you thought him to be. at first, he seemed like some random fuckboy but the more you saw of him, the more he intrigued you.

a slap on your shoulder caught your attention.

"i don't feel so good...", ryujin screamed for you and jimin to hear as you three were dancing in the middle of the crowd.

you two stopped and looked at your friend, worried, "told you to not drink that last mix you made.", you said, shaking your head.

"do you want to throw up?", jimin asked.

ryujin shook her head, "no, i think i just need some fresh air."

"you go out front, first. i'll grab some water.", you said to jimin who seemed to still be able to act and think clearly.

luckily, the kitchen's fridge was also filled with some water bottles so you grabbed three and closed the door. turning around, you almost bumped into someone.

"oh!", the other person grabbed your shoulders to stop you from falling backwards, "i was going to ask you if you wanted a drink but i see that you helped yourself already.", the boy in front of you smiled.

you looked at him for a moment, trying to figure out if you knew him or not and he seemed to have picked up on it, "i'm sungchan by the way. we're in some classes together."

you nodded with a smile, "i'm y/-"

"y/n, yeah, i know.", he interrupted you, "sorry, i've been meaning to come and talk to you sooner but never seemed to know what to say.", he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. you thought he was cute.

"i'm sorry, i really have to get these to my friends.", you said, really apologetically, "but feel free to come and talk to me and my friends whenever.", you smiled before walking away. you hoped he'll come talk to you in class.

you made your way to the front yard of the frat house where ryujin and jimin were waiting for you. ryujin was lying on the grass with jimin by her side.

"hey, sorry i bumped into someone.", you said, giving them a water bottle each, "how are you feeling?"

"better.", ryujin said after gulping down 1/3 of the bottle.

"i just realized that this is our first party together.", jimin said.

"i must admit, i'm not much of a party girl anymore.", you said.

"oh really?", ryujin asked with wide eyes.

"yeah. i was the worse. i'm a lightweight but i used to drink so much, it was insane. sometimes i wonder how am i even still alive.", you joked.

"woah, i'd never think you'd be that kind of girl if you didn't tell me.", jimin commented.

"yeah, me neither."

"why did you stop?", jimin asked.

"drinking and partying too much led me to make many bad decisions on the moment.", you vaguely answered, not really in the mood to go in detail.

"i also just realized something.", ryujin said as she seemed to have sober up, "you never talk about your past. i mean you just transferred here in the middle of the year. you must miss your parents, your friends,..."

"not really. my life has been quite lonely so far.", you smiled even though it wasn't a cheerful nor happy one, "i'm glad i found you guys though.", ryujin and jimin reached out for your hand and you three stayed in a comfortable silence while holding hands, until you broke it, "do you know a sungchan?"

"who? sungchan?", ryujin tapped the side of her head, trying to remember where she heard that name before, "isn't he in one of our classes or something like that?"

"that's what he said when i bumped into him earlier, along with how he wanted to come talk to me but never could."

jimin and ryujin gave each other a look before turning back to you with a mischievous smile.

"don't start.", you warned.

"you did by asking about him.", jimin teased.

"i just wanted to know if i should be careful around him."

"from what i heard, or rather not heard, he doesn't seem to be the type to break many hearts around campus.", jimin said.

the rest of the night was kind of a blur to your two friends but you did get them home safely, tucking them in bed and leaving a bucket on the side for them to use if they ever need to urgently throw up. you were supposed to stay but you really wanted to lay in your bed and you also didn't want to take care of the vomit if there ever was. you loved these girls but your friendship limit was puke. you left jimin a note, saying that you were going to take her car to drive home and that'll you'd give it back to her the next day.

once you've drove home, parked the car, got into your building and took the elevator, you stood in front of your apartment door, rummaging through your small bag, looking for your keys, "shit."

your apartment building had a really safe security system, where you needed a special badge in order to tap in the code to your home. you facepalmed yourself, remembering the exact events that led you to being left outside your own apartment. you always put your keys on the small table next to the entrance. the moment you were putting everything in your bag was also the moment you noticed jaemin staring at you. with the conversation going on with your roommate, you forgot to take your keys on your way out.

you grabbed your phone and looked for jaemin's contact. you wondered if he was still at the party or fucking someone right now. in case it was the latter, you chose to text him.

hey, i went home but forgot my keys

if you're home, open the door when your done with whoever

if you're not then hurry when you're done?

im sorry, i'll make it up to you if i ruined anything

you waited, waited and waited. your phone was almost out of battery so you decided to not use it, just in case, jaemin called you to tell you he had a magical spare key hidden somewhere. you even contemplated ringing your neighbor's doorbell but you didn't know him and it'd be weird.

your eyes were getting heavier and heavier. you tried not to fall asleep but it was getting harder every minute that passed by. your greatest mistake was allowing your eyes to close, 'resting them for five minutes'.

jaemin was checking his phone on his way out of his last night's hook up's place when his eyes widened as he saw all your messages from the previous night or rather 2am. he rushed to his car and drove back to your shared apartment as fast as he could, almost hitting a grandma on the way. drive carefully everyone.

the elevator seemed to be extremely slow at that particular moment. when it finally arrived at your floor, jaemin rushed out, his eyes landed on you, sitting on the floor, back against your shared apartment door.

"y/n! y/n!", jaemin shook you awake.

you whined, trying to curl up on yourself.

jaemin took his badge out, beeping it on the machine next to your door and taping in the digicode. jaemin moved your back from the door to open it then proceeded to carry you bridal style.

"wooh, why am i flying?!", you panicked, immediately opening your eyes to be met with your roommate's face. you almost jumped out of his arms.

"calm down, bunny. don't hop, you're gonna hurt yourself.", jaemin smiled at you, "your hands are really cold. your whole body is."

you didn't notice your hands on the back of his neck as you instinctively tried to hold onto something, feeling your body levitating.

it's about to get really hot if you don't let me down, you thought.

"put me down, please?", you asked, almost in a whisper. your throat felt really dry, having drank nothing since you left the party.

jaemin let go of you and watched you go pour yourself a glass of water as he closed your apartment door, "i thought you were sleeping at ryujin and jimin's?"

"i was supposed to, but i didn't feel like dealing with them throwing up in the middle of the night so i went home. where were you? i thought you would have taken the chance of having the apartment to yourself to bring someone over.", you said, feeling rehydrated by the water you just drank.

"i never bring people home.", jaemin clarified.

"why?"

"feels too intimate. it's my personal space."

"i see. well, i'm going to take a hot shower and sleep for awhile. if jimin drop by, tell her i parked her car near the waffle place and give her these.", you said, showing him jimin's keys before putting them on the little dinner table.

after that night, you were careful to check if you had your keys on you every time you left the house and jaemin made sure he was home after every party. even if it meant leaving the pretty stranger he just hooked up and cuddled with for some time. he wanted to make sure that whatever happened that night, never happen again. he wanted to make sure his roommate made it home safe every night.

"hey, y/n.", a voice said, as the person sat next to you while you were talking with ryujin.

"oh, hey! sungchan, right?", you greeted. the boy nodded with a little smile, "this is my friend, ryujin."

the two greeted each other with a nod.

"you don't mind me sitting here, right?", sungchan asked, talking about the seat his actually occupying.

"it's fine. it's usually just the two of us.", you replied.

"how come we've never seen you around uni before?", ryujin asked. even though the university was pretty big, someone who looked like sungchan wouldn't go unnoticed and ryujin knew she would've heard about him at least once.

"oh, i just transferred here this semester-"

"oh? you too?", you interrupted him in shock.

"you transferred here too?", sungchan asked you with wide eyes.

you nodded, "i thought i was the only one. everyone kept telling me i was crazy."

"us too! i transferred here with my friend, shotaro."

"oh? you're friend with shotaro?", ryujin suddenly asked. the boy nodded even though he seemed confused, "he's going out with my friend, chaeryeong. even though she says they are just hanging out 'as friend' for now."

"aaaah, chaeryeong! shotaro can't stop talking about her for real, i almost want to choke him every time.", sungchan joked.

"whoa, we're really living in a small world.", you laughed.

you three stopped talking when the professor entered the room, focusing on his class and what he said.

after your class, the three of you walked to the cafeteria for lunch, "want to join us for lunch?", you asked sungchan.

"sure, can shotaro come?"

"why not.", you shrugged.

"oh i'll text chaeryeong and tell her to come as well."

"oh! good idea!", sungchan and ryujin high fived each other and got on their phone to text their respective friend which made you smile.

after getting some food, you joined jimin at your usual table, "jimin-aaaah, i missed you.", ryujin cooed at her friend.

"we saw each other this morning.", jimin replied, making ryujin pout playfully.

they were joined later on by shotaro and chaeryeong who seemed taken aback when they saw each other at first but then casually slipped into a conversation of their own.

"oh my god! you had mr.kim too?!", you said as sungchan and you started talking about your old uni.

"mmh! he was my favorite i think. his way of grading paper was the funniest."

"right?! his comments were always so interesting."

"one time he wrote 'this doesn't make any sense but i see what you mean and that scares me'. i still wonder if it's a good thing or not."

you laughed at his anecdote along with him.

"i think i kept all the papers he graded because it was just too funny to throw away. once he wrote 'i am not convinced' and three lines after that he wrote 'you convinced me'. mr kim was just the best for those kind of things."

you kept talking about uni related stuff as well as the restaurants and shops surrounding the area. you found out that you had quite a lot of things in common and he was quite an easy guy to talk to.

after a long day of what seemed like endless classes and a dinner at ryujin and jimin's place, you finally got to type in the digicode to your home. you lazily hung your coat at the entrance and removed your shoes to slip your slippers on.

you didn't expect to see jaemin drinking alone in the living room.

"hey, you okay?", you asked him as he seemed to be in some kind of trance, not even noticing your arrival.

jaemin quickly snapped out of it, quickly turning his head away from you, hands reaching for his eyes. you were alarmed by his actions and quickly made your way towards the couch. you tried to look at his face but he turned his head back the other way. you sighed and tried to turn him back towards you but he resisted. you ended grabbing his head and turning his face forcefully towards you. you wonder how you didn't snap his neck. you got worried when you saw his bloodshot eyes and wet cheeks, "what happened?", you asked, sitting down next to him.

jaemin didn't answer but his mouth quickly turned into a pout and his eyes filled with tears again. you brought him in your arms and gently patted his head, letting your roommate cry in the crook of your neck.

you two weren't the closest roommates ever but you did consider him your friend. you've been living together for a few months now and had spent quite some time together from grocery shopping to cooking together to having a special night at least once a week or every two weeks to watch bridgerton together. you two grew quite fond of the show and always ended sharing the same plaid and talking about the relationships in the show.

you've never seen him cry for something else than a character death or three seconds of sad background music during an intense moment of your show, so that was new to you.

"is it that hard to believe that i am capable of getting in a relationship?", he said as he let go of you a little so you could see his face and hear him.

"well..."

jaemin sobbed even harder. it wasn't your intention to make him cry or hurt him, you just never thought that dating was something that jaemin considered, with his reputation. you thought he just wanted to live his youth.

"hey, what happened?", you asked softly.

jaemin didn't answer you and just held onto you tighter. you ran your hand through his hair in comfort, not knowing what else to do.

"you can come and talk to me anytime you want you know. i'll listen.", you offered.

you felt jaemin nod but he never told you why he cried that night.

"hurry, bunny or i'm starting without you.", jaemin shouted from the living room as you were in the kitchen. you poured the popcorn into a bowl while reading the text sungchan just sent you. jaemin noticed you smiling while holding the bowl of popcorn in one hand and typing on your phone with your other hand. he got curious when you handed him the bowl and sat next to him, not even giving him a look and still typing away on your phone.

"who are you texting?", jaemin asked in a teasing tone.

"sungchan.", you answered, putting your phone away.

"are you close? you smiled like an idiot while texting him.", he said, poking your cheek and side as he teased you.

"yah! stop!", you tried to stop his poking but failed as he managed to poke you still. after some fighting action, you managed to stop his two hands by grabbing his wrists. you pulled yourself closer to him, leaning on his side before letting go of him to grab the bowl of popcorn, "we're just friends.", you said, referring to sungchan, "he wouldn't want to date me.", you grabbed the remote and pressed play.

"why would you say that? you're a 100% dateable."

"not really.", you muttered under your breath.

it wasn't that you thought you weren't dateable. your view of love was just different from what people your age would consider normal. you've had so many failed and toxic relationship that you were scared that it was the only type of relation you could have. you also wanted something most people were scared of, even though they would never admit it; commitment.

you had gotten to know sungchan these past few weeks and you two had become quite close friends. ryujin and jimin were telling you that sungchan and you would be a really cute couple but you denied every time. not because you weren't attracted to him but as you got to know him, you discovered that he was totally the type of person you would've wanted to be your first boyfriend. he seemed too pure hearted for you to risk breaking his heart.

"you're crushing my shoulder.", jaemin complained next to you.

"could've just push me away.", you dramatically said, flying to the other end of the couch.

"nooo, come back.", he pulled onto your arm to bring you closer to him again but he pulled harder than you expected and you literally flew right onto him. your eyes went wide as you realized the position you two were in. your face was so close to his you could feel his breathing on your lips. you quickly backed away and repositioned yourself as before. jaemin didn't move for a few seconds, trying to comprehend why his heart was beating so fast when you were close to him and why it was still beating that fast when you pulled away.

you ended up, cuddling with jaemin, his arms around you, giving you warmth. from an outsider point of view, people may think that there was something going on between the two of you but it was just how you two came to act with one another. jaemin being the clingy type, you saw him back hugging his friend, jeno, when he came over to cook something or how he always found a way to pinch his younger friend's, jisung, cheeks when he came by. you just accepted his clinginess because there was no way out, you could see it on his friends' face and you also enjoy the skinship. you missed being that close with someone.

being jaemin's roommate meant that you got to witness multiple side of him that he didn't usually show in public or to people other than his close friends. he would sometimes come back home in a grumpy or sad mood and just hug you in silence. you were confused the first time it happened. it was a few days after you had found him drinking alone on your couch. you were used to his flirty side and his clinginess but nothing really prepared you for that side of him that just made you want to wrap him in a blanket and feed him some soup. above being surprised, you were worried. jaemin usually showed his cheerful and happy self so seeing him that silent with a neutral expression, worried you a lot, every time, especially because he wouldn't communicate how he felt.

once in a while, jeno, jaemin's friend who kind of became yours as well, came by to eat dinner with you two but it often ended up with you two making dinner, waiting for jaemin to get home since he recently got a part-time job.

"can you cut the onions? i'll make the rice.", you said, gathering your hair in a ponytail.

jeno nodded, quickly tying his apron and grabbing a cutting board along with a knife, "woah, look at that. we should open a restaurant.", he joked with his usual eye smile.

"just wait five minutes and i'll be throwing boiling jjigae at you while you attack me with gochugaru.", you joked back.

you heard the door open and some rustling in the entrance, "jaemin-ah! you're back?", jeno shouted from the kitchen.

jaemin passed by the living room and the kitchen without really saying anything. he just mumbled something before heading towards his room. jeno and you gave each other a look, knowing all too well this behavior of jaemin. jeno nodded towards you and then the direction in which jaemin went, his eyes saying, 'go see what's wrong.'

you frowned at him, shaking your head before repeating his actions towards him, your eyes arguing with his, 'you, go see what's wrong.'

you didn't have the time to continue arguing that you heard jaemin coming out of his room. you two quickly got back to your occupation, which was cutting vegetables for jeno and boiling water for the daenjang jjigae for you. you two focused on cooking until jaemin came into the kitchen a few minutes later, hair still wet from the shower he just took.

"why didn't you dry your hair? it's late. it's not gonna dry before you go to sleep.", you said, glancing at him as you took the vegetables jeno finished cutting to put them in the stew.

"it's alright.", jaemin said with no tone whatsoever. he wrapped his arms around your shoulders as you stirred the vegetables in the boiling broth. you leaned your head back on him a little as he hid his face in the crook of your neck.

it was moment like that that made jeno felt like the most third wheel of all third wheels, "i knew i should've brought hyuck and the lil chef.", he muttered to himself, concentrating on cutting the meat.

you felt wet droplets of water hitting your skin but figured it was just jaemin's wet hair so you discarded it at first. you were immediately alarmed when you suddenly heard jaemin quietly sniff. you dropped your wooden spatula on the counter and turned towards jaemin. you grabbed his face to examine it and prevent him from hiding his tears from you. your eyes soften at the view of jaemin's tear-stained cheeks and glossy eyes. you didn't like seeing him cry.

"yah, can you two, old couple, get back to cooking? i'm hungry!", jeno nagged at the two of you, pointing his knife accusingly.

"who are you calling old couple? i'm not gonna fall for his fuckboy antics."

thankfully, you were the one facing jeno and not jaemin so he couldn't see his crying face.

"we'll be back.", you said, grabbing jaemin's wrist and dragging him away, "please, finish cooking for us.", you stuck your tongue out at jeno to tease him.

"what am i? your private chef?", jeno screamed after the two of you, making you laugh.

you pulled jaemin into the bathroom making him sit on the toilet after closing the lid.

"what's going on?", you asked, as you took a hair dryer out of one of the sink's drawers.

"nothing.", jaemin said, trying hard to control the tone of his voice. you turned to look at him with your hand on your hip like a mom waiting for her child to confess something, "too many things. i just got overwhelmed.", he finally admitted.

your stance softened at his answer and you sighed, "you know, what i said the first time i saw you bawling your eyes out like a baby still stands. you don't have to keep everything inside of you until you eventually explode.", you said, as you plugged the hair dryer in the outlet. you then turned it on and turned towards jaemin to dry his hair. thankfully the cord was long enough.

jaemin put his arms around your waist in a loose hug, relaxing as you ran your hand through his hair, feeling the hot air of the hair dryer blowing on his skin. he thought about what you said and you weren't wrong in any way. jaemin knew he was used to bottling everything up until he could see jeno or renjun to talk it out but since they were all in uni there wasn't much time for them to see one another, even when jeno came over, he had to leave quite early due to his busy schedule and personal matter which was too early for jaemin to open up.

it took you ten minutes to dry your roommate's hair just enough for them to dry completely on their own before he went to bed. jaemin was disappointed when he didn't hear the loud blowing of the hair dryer anymore. he wanted to stay like this just a little more.

"come on or jeno is totally going to leave with the dinner we made.", you said, holding your hand out to jaemin to grab after putting the hair dryer back in its place.

you two came back to the living room where jeno already placed everything on the table, "it has been 55 days since my friends left me alone in their kitchen where i had to fight to finish this meal. ", jeno started talking as if there were people at the table with him as a joke.

you chuckled, "did you go crazy?"

"i might've.", jeno replied, widening his eyes.

"come on, let's eat, i'm starving."

you all started eating together and updating each other on your daily lives, well mainly you and jeno, jaemin didn't really talk much. you were excited about the updates on his roommate and crazy neighbor. it was all the drama you needed. filled with unexpected twists and cliché tropes.

you accompanied jeno to the door when it was time for him to leave while jaemin was doing the dishes, "is jaemin okay?", jeno mouthed to you so your roommate wouldn't hear.

"he's alright, i think."

"call me if you need me."

you nodded as you showed him an okay sign with your hand.

"i will never cook here again.", jeno said as he stepped outside of your apartment.

"see you next time, jeno!", you said, fully knowing that he will be back, in your kitchen with an apron on in no time.

after sending jeno away, you went to take a shower and brush your teeth before laying on your comfy bed, cuddling into your covers. you were scrolling through your instagram feed when there was a knock on your door. you knew that it could only be your roommate, especially at this hour. you hummed in response, signaling to him that he could enter.

"are you sleeping?", jaemin's head popped in your doorway. you thought he looked cute in his pajama set.

"obviously not.", you answered, sitting up and patting the place next to you on your bed. jaemin slowly entered your room fully, closing the door behind him, "what's going on in that head of yours?", you asked, poking his head gently.

jaemin gently grabbed your hand to stop you, bringing it down between the two of you without letting go. sometimes, your roommate did things that made you wonder if his feelings towards you were completely platonic, but every time those thoughts came to your mind, you quickly pushed them away, excusing them as his flirty habits, ignoring the little acceleration your heart experienced.

"am i that unlovable?", jaemin asked even though he whispered it under his breath.

"what?"

"there's this girl. we dated for like two years in high school but she was really jealous. she didn't want us to go public because her parents were pretty strict and didn't want her to date in high school. but the thing was that she was really insecure and would think that i was cheating on her with other girls that confessed their feelings to me. the relationship was so rocky with many ups and downs, mainly downs. she ended up breaking up with me because she couldn't handle the secrecy of our relationship anymore. my first love. amazing, right?", you could hear the sarcasm is his tone, "i thought my first relationship was going to be something special and romantic that'd stay with me forever."

"first times being special is a concept created by society to pressure us into waiting for 'the right one'. thinking that the first time is what will decide what the rest of your life will look like. my whole love life is filled with non special first times. my first kiss? during a spin the bottle. my first time? i was drunk out of my mind and just sleep with some guy at a party. first love? it was all a game for him to begin with. but relationships are overrated anyway. they just lead to heartbreaks."

"how can you say that? love is such a beautiful thing."

"love is a beautiful thing. relationships...", your hands playing with his fingers mindlessly as you found yourself lost in your own world for a moment, "when you find the love you deserve, even if it wasn't the one you were looking for, hold onto it. look for love, not relationships."

"i hope we'll find the love we both want and deserve, bunny.", jaemin said, squeezing your hand as you smiled up at him.

"you think chaeryeong and shotaro will finally get with each other tonight?", ryujin asked jimin and you as you waited for her to finish getting ready to go out.

"they've been going out on so many dates but haven't even held hands yet.", jimin said.

"oh really? it's kinda cute though.", you said.

"you're such a softie, y/n.", ryujin teased.

"how is it going with sungchan?", jimin teased further.

"what do you mean?", you knew exactly what she meant but chose to act oblivious.

"you two would look so good together.", ryujin commented.

"for real, i wanna puke every time i see the two of you giggling with each other.", jimin said.

"i don't think he likes me like that.", you replied, trying to shut down their fantasies.

"what about you?", jimin suddenly asked.

"i...", you hesitated and even though it was for a few seconds your friends jumped on the occasion to tease you again.

"ooooh, you're totally into him!", ryujin almost screamed and your cheeks started to burn.

"she's blushing!", jimin pointed out.

"oh my god! you guys are insufferable.", you whined hiding yourself behind one of ryujin's pillows.

your phone vibrated as it received a message.

i'm here :D

"sungchan's here.", you announced to your two friends.

"of course, he texted you.", jimin teased.

"it's just a text.", you rolled your eyes.

"he could have texted the groupchat.", jimin retorted.

"...shut up.", you said, running out of argument.

the three of you grabbed everything you needed before heading out. you met up with sungchan who was waiting for you in his car in front of the building. his eyes looked up from his phone and he smiled as he saw the three of you walking towards him. he unlocked the doors for you and you got into the passenger seat as ryujin and jimin got in the back.

"hey.", you greeted.

"hey.", he greeted back with a smile, "are you my gps today?"

"i guess.", you chuckled, "i'm bad at giving direction though. i just like sitting in the front."

sungchan chuckled at your answer, "you can't be worse than shotaro, he just gives up half way and starts giving me direction in japanese. i don't speak japanese."

you put your hand in front of your mouth, hiding your laughter. sungchan started driving, following your precise indications. you arrived at the party in no time. sungchan and you high fived each other for your teamwork when you got out of the car, heading towards the frat house.

ryujin and jimin almost ran to the kitchen to get some drinks as sungchan and you followed behind them, only getting yourselves some water or juice because you didn't drink and he was on driving duty.

jaemin really needed something to get himself out of his thoughts. he's had a lot of things going through his head lately and most of those things were you. for the past few months of being your roommate, jaemin's perception of you had changed quite a bit. at first, he thought you were totally his type. if you two weren't roommates, he would've made a move on you the minute he saw you but after some talking with his friends and having renjun reminding him of the fact that he would probably have to find another roommate and chenle reminding him how hard it was, he quickly gave up on the idea. then, he thought that you were cute and that you two could be good roommates, going grocery shopping and cooking together, keeping your relationship pretty simple, but after spending more time with you, talking with you, seeing you interacting with his friends, picked at his interest in you. that interest made you linger in his thought at random moments and made his heart beat faster every time you got near him.

your roommate's eyes landed on you and sungchan when he was looking for his friends. he didn't know you were going to be there and seeing you laughing with another guy and being touchy in a playful way made him feel something he didn't enjoy.

you, on the other hand, didn't notice jaemin staring at the two of you at all. you were concentrating on your conversation with sungchan and didn't really pay attention to your surroundings. you two were talking casually when sungchan suddenly stopped mid sentence as something caught his eyes in the distance and he started hitting your arm in excitement.

"ow, what happened? what did you see?", you asked, turning towards the direction he was looking into.

"shotaro and chaeryeong are so making out near that plant.", sungchan whispered into your ear then nodded towards the place he just mentioned.

you jumped up and down in excitement, hitting his arm like he did yours as you finally saw them, "is that really chaeryeong?"

"of course, who else?", he frowned funnily at you.

"i hope so, or imma beat his ass."

"i'll join in."

"come on. let's find ryujin and jimin to tell them.", you grabbed onto his wrist, dragging him into the search for your two friends. sungchan smoothly slid his hand into yours. it surprised you but you didn't mind it though, it felt nice.

"yah! ryujin-ah! jimin-ah!", you shouted once you spotted them. they were getting refills in the kitchen.

"ooooh y/n! i missed you!", ryujin said, throwing her arms around you in a hug, obviously drunk. you let go of sungchan's hand to hold onto your friend and not fall backwards.

"you're cuter when you're drunk you know that?", you said to her playfully.

"what did you-", jimin started before being interrupted by someone's scream.

"Y/N!!!", a voice you recognized immediately shouted, gaining your attention.

"jeno?", you looked at a highly under the influence jeno, standing in front of you.

"come with me quick.", his tone sounded like he was in a hurry.

"why? what's happening?", you asked, a little worried.

"jaemin's drunk, he needs to go home but i drank too much to drive him and some girls are trying to throw themselves at him."

your eyes were wide in shock. you remembered jaemin telling you about never getting too drunk at parties. you wondered what happened. you turned towards sungchan for a second and said, "tell them the news.", and then waved goodbye to your friends, "i'll see you later."

you followed jeno through the crowd, pushing through people to finally get to your roommate who was sitting on a couch, surrounded by a girl on each side. he had his head down and arms crossed around himself as if he didn't want anyone to touch him.

"get him home safely. you can deal with the girls, right? they kinda scare me.", jeno told you before fleeing the scene.

the girls seemed to notice your presence and turned towards you, glaring at you as if you'd ruined the chance of their life, "who are you?", one of them spat out.

you rolled your eyes and ignored her, "jaemin, let's go.", you said out loud with a gentle tone.

jaemin raised his head immediately when he heard your voice, "y/nnn!", he exclaimed, standing up with his arms open towards you.

you saw him lose balance and hurried to his side, grabbing one of his arms and putting it around you while wrapping your other arm around his waist.

you two got out of the frat house and walked to where jaemin told you he remembered parking his car, "do you have your keys with you?", you asked as you two finally managed to spot his car which was at the opposite of where jaemin told you it was. your roommate clumsily looked in his pocket and struggled to pull out his set of keys.

you helped him into the passenger seat, putting his seat belt on for him.

"you can sleep if you want.", you told jaemin as you started driving away.

the car fell into a comfortable silence as you concentrated on the road ahead of you and jaemin was concentrating on you. he watched your side profile in silence, from your eyes, reflecting the lights of the streets, to your pretty nose that made him want to boop it, to your full cheeks, he had to refrain himself from squishing them, then finally to your lips, he was dying to know how they would feel on his.

"you're staring.", you pointed out, breaking the peaceful silence.

"you're pretty.", jaemin complimented.

you gulped, feeling your hands sweating a little as you tried hard to not look in his direction. you never knew how to react when he complimented you.

jaemin clung onto you from the moment you helped him out of his car to the moment you put him in bed, "can't you stay?", jaemin pouted, batting his eyelashes at you as his arms were still around your neck.

"no, jaemin, you need to sleep.", you said.

jaemin let go of you and pouted even more, "alright. i'm all about consent.", he said, cuddling into his covers.

you smiled at his behavior, "goodnight, jaemin.", you said, before leaving.

the holidays period had arrived and you didn't go home this time, deciding on saving the money you would've used for the trip. instead, for christmas, you met with your friends at ryujin and jimin's place for a secret santa. there was you, ryujin, jimin, chaeryeong, sungchan and shotaro. you got sungchan and chaeryeong got you. chaeryeong gave you a cute bob she customized herself with a design she made that reminded her of you, it was so pretty. you got sungchan a pair of scissors for left handed people as an inside joke you two had and his real present was a limited edition merch of a game he couldn't stop talking about. it was cute when his eyes started sparkling.

after that you stayed a few more days at your friends' apartment, squatting their couch.

"are you doing something for the new year?", was the first thing your roommate told you as you picked up his call.

"nothing really. why?"

"i'm doing something at the apartment with some of the guys. wanna join?"

"yeah why- wait. you're home right now?"

"yeah."

"what? why didn't you text me?"

"because i thought you were with your family?"

"i'm squatting ryujin and jimin's place since like christmas."

after your call with jaemin, you hurriedly packed your stuff that lingered around your friends' apartment and quickly left, shouting them a goodbye and freeing their couch from your presence.

once you got home, you were welcomed by jaemin's smile and outstretched arms. you accepted the hug, welcoming your roommate home, "why weren't you home?"

"one night, i heard something falling in the kitchen and you were already gone for like two days so i got scared and packed my bags as soon as the sun got up."

jaemin chuckled at your story, patting your head in comfort.

"so, who's gonna be there for the new year?", you asked.

"apart from you and me. renjun, jeno, chenle, and jisung. donghyuck have something already. and mark is spending it with his girlfriend. hyuck got sulky when he realized he was one of the only two absent."

"can i invite my friends too?"

"sure, just let me know how many will be there."

you quickly texted your friends' groupchat asking about everyone's plan for the new year. chaeryeong and shotaro were going to be with their respective family but ryujin, jimin and sungchan were in. you told jaemin that three of your friends were coming over and from there you two talked about the preparations. you made a list for the food, a list for the decorations, even a list of what to hide so they wouldn't be broken.

the two of you went shopping together buying all the things you needed for the party while having lots of fun. you kept playing around with things you found funny in different aisle as jaemin watched and laughed as if you were the funniest comedian on earth. he was down bad.

"should we set a dress code for the party or not?", you asked, turning to your roommate in the middle of the confettis section of the store.

"well, if that means i can see you in that black dress again...", he jokingly said in a flirty way as he looked at you in the eyes. jaemin had that intense gaze in his eyes sometimes that made your body shiver.

you rolled your eyes, keeping your composure, "i was thinking about a pajamas competition or something like that."

"you'd look good either way.", jaemin shrugged as he kept pushing the cart nonchalantly. thankfully, he didn't notice your cheeks turning pink.

the hardest part of this new year party was actually setting everything up the day of it. jaemin didn't stop messing with you, from poking your side when your were busy putting decorations up, to back hugging you when you were cutting vegetables and not helping with the cooking at all. the food you prepared was pretty simple, fried chicken, pasta, stir fried noodles with vegetables and meat and fried rice.

"i should've accepted donghyuck's roommate proposition of helping us with cooking.", jaemin said, his chin on your shoulder as he watched you chop vegetables.

"you turned down a chef-in-training's help?", you asked, kind of dumbfounded. you could've ate the best version of every dish you were making.

"i wanted to cook just with you.", jaemin pouted.

"oh, 'cause you are so cooking right now.", you said, looking down at his arms linked around your waist.

"i can help you cut vegetables."

"how ar-", you interrupted yourself when jaemin placed his hands on yours and started moving them as if he was playing with a doll, "well, i'm going to rest then.", you leaned back on your roommate, your head resting on his shoulder. you learned to go along with his flirting, if it was something you couldn't escape than you decided to embrace it. jaemin smirked, feeling your body pressed against his as he glanced as your face.

the doorbell ringing surprised the two of you as it was still pretty early. jaemin went to check who it was while you continued cooking.

"wooah. you decorated the place?", you recognized the voice of your second mom immediately.

"no, it looks like that all year long.", you sarcastically answered.

the guest walked into the living room and saw you cooking in the open kitchen.

"what are you guys doing here so early?", you asked, seeing the three familiar faces of your friends.

"we thought since you invited us, we'd at least help you with something.", jimin said, settling her bag on your couch.

"you came at the right time. we need hands in the kitchen. this guy only took out the ingredients so far.", you pointed your knife accusingly at jaemin.

"let's get this started for real.", sungchan said.

the five of you started cooking together, it was a little hard since the kitchen was small for the number of people in it. ryujin and jimin were on pasta duty, sungchan and you were on stir fried noodles duty and jaemin was on fried rice duty. the first people to finish their dish would prepare the friend chicken. since yours and sungchan's dish was longer to prepare, the other three moved to the living room table for the fried chicken.

seeing you and sungchan cooking together and joking around with each other in the kitchen kind of irritated jaemin, making him make some mistakes with coating the chicken. jimin and ryujin noticed, giving each other a knowing look. as sungchan and you finished stir frying the noodles, putting it in a dish, the doorbell rang. the fried chicken team having finished as well, jaemin went back to the kitchen with the uncooked fried chicken while ryujin cleaned the table and jimin went to open the door to whoever just arrived.

"woah, that was quick.", you said, noticing your roommate. he kind of ignored you, and just put the plate on the counter next to the electric stove before walking back to the living room and retrieved the other dirty plates. you frowned a little at his behavior. he would usually retort something funny or brag about his skills.

"do you think we put enough seasoning?", sungchan's voice brought your attention back to him.

"mmmh, i think it's alright. i'm the best for seasoning things with my gut feeling.", you said, with a thumb up.

"oh really?", he exclaimed in a playful tone, "we'll see then, if it's bad you owe me coffee."

"deal.", you two shook hands to seal the deal, "i'm going to change, my clothes smell like stir fried everything."

you quickly got back to your room to change into your new year look. jaemin and you settled on no dress code because jaemin said, "i'm sure jeno will forget and not dress accordingly, chenle will be over the top and jisung is too broke. renjun is the only that's gonna on theme."

you slipped into that one black dress jaemin couldn't stop mentioning, added more to your normal makeup to make it more festive and applied some perfume. you checked yourself one last time in your mirror before heading back out to the living room.

by the time you finished getting ready, everyone had arrived and were talking around the table. all the dishes were laid out on the table, only the fried chicken was missing. you waved hello at all your guests before heading towards the kitchen.

jaemin was there with an apron on, frying the last pieces of chicken. he sensed your presence as you stood next to him but didn't acknowledge it whatsoever. his expression was more serious than usual, "what's wrong?", you asked, breaking the heavy silence.

"nothing, i'm just concentrating on the food.", jaemin answered.

you knew he didn't tell you everything but you resorted to just resting your chin on his shoulder, not wanting to leave him alone while he cooked for everyone. jaemin didn't show it but his heart was beating like crazy and a smile started re appearing on his face.

"you smell good.", jaemin complimented.

"you smell like fried chicken.", you replied, jokingly.

jaemin gave you a side look before flicking your forehead. you whined, your hand rubbing the place where he flicked you, "you can bring this plate out first, this is almost done."

you obeyed, taking the plate of fried chicken while sticking your tongue out at him like a five year old. you came back to the living room where everyone was playing a game where they had to guess the name they had on their forehead. you put the plate down on the table and sat on the ground next to sungchan, who gave you the pillow he had to put on your lap since you were wearing a dress.

"it's time to eat. come on, last round everyone, first to guess, first to win.", jimin said out lout.

you laughed as each of them failed to guess who was on their paper, even sungchan, "how could you not get the lady on the starbucks cup?", you asked, removing the paper scotched on his forehead for him.

"you mean how could i have guessed that. there's no way anyone would've guessed it.", sungchan replied.

"i would've.", you retorted.

"you wouldn't have."

"totally would."

"you're in denial."

"i-"

your banter was interrupted by jaemin almost throwing the second plate of fried chicken down on the table, "let's eat before it gets cold.", he said, sitting down on the other side on you. you all started enjoying the meal you've prepared with care, you've never had that many variety of dish at the same time before.

"shit, the stir fried noodles are good.", sungchan muttered next to you.

"told you i could measure my spices.", you said, hitting his arm slightly with yours.

"then i will bring you your coffee personally the first day back at uni, spice master.", sungchan jokingly said, bowing a little while swirling his hand.

"i'll look forward to it, dear.", you replied with the same tone, waving your hand as well. jaemin cleared his throat next to you, earning your attention but when you turned towards him he was just enjoying his food normally.

after you all finished eating, the ones who didn't help cooking took care of the dishes while the rest of you enjoyed the drinks jeno and renjun brought. you were playing a game of 'put a finger down if', and the loser would have to one shot a bowl of makgeolli.

"i have slept with more than ten people.", jimin said, obviously having a target in mind.

"that was too unfair.", jaemin said, shaking his head while folding one of his fingers.

you shocked everyone by folding one of yours as well.

"what? y/n?!", ryujin practically screamed in shock.

"yah! you hid that from us?", jimin joined in.

"what? what? what? what is happening?", chenle shouted from behind the kitchen counter.

"y/n is a player!", sungchan answered chenle, making you turn towards him and push him playfully.

"really?!", jeno screamed.

"are you serious?", ryujin asked, her eyes having not return to their normal size yet.

"yah! why do you seem so shocked?!"

"they grow up so fast.", jimin jokingly sniffed and patted her under eyes to get rid of her imaginary tears.

"i didn't know you had game.", sungchan said next to you, making you push him again, harder this time as he fell on his side while laughing.

"you sure have some secrets, bunny.", jaemin whispered to you in the midst of the chaos. you rolled your eyes and pushed him as well.

the game ended with your loss when the others returned from the kitchen.

"want me to get you something else to one shot?", jaemin asked you as they all knew that you didn't really drink alcohol.

"it's alright. it's been a while anyway, i'm gonna be fine.", you replied.

you brought the bowl to your lips and started drinking slowly as your friends cheered for you. with a last gulp, you finished the alcoholic beverage. it had been so long that you had almost forgot how it tasted like.

"sorry guys, unexpected return of roommate. i have to go.", renjun said, as he stood up.

"you can drive?", jeno asked.

"yeah, i haven't started drinking yet.", renjun replied.

"alright, see you then.", you all waved goodbye to renjun as he hurriedly left.

you were a few hours away from the new year and your tiredness started to hit you hard. you were fighting to keep your eyes open and the makgeolli you drank didn't really help. your alcohol tolerance really dropped. you weren't drunk or anything, it was just enough to make you feel how tired you were even more. you were the kind of person to sleep early and wake up early so you were really fighting yourself.

"don't fall asleep, you'll miss the new year.", sungchan nudged you slightly as your head was resting on his shoulder.

"i'll just rest my eyes for a second.", you replied, your voice so small that he almost missed it. sungchan patted your hand in comfort and just ended up leaving it there while he talked with chenle and ryujin.

everyone was engrossed in their own conversation to notice you, except jaemin who seemed to be even more fired up than before.

"if you get any tenser you'll just transform into a rock.", jeno told his friend.

"i'm fine.", jaemin replied a little dismissively.

"dude, you've had heart eyes for her for a while now. you're also her roommate, you see her more and you've been acting like a couple every time i was over, which made me want to hang myself sometimes, not gonna lie so why you backing down now?"

"you're one to talk.", jaemin started, alluding to jeno's personal life, "and i'm not backing down, i just-", he stopped as he glanced at your sleepy figure so close to sungchan. he can't help himself but wonder if the signs he picked up on from you were just in his head.

a loud explosion coming from outside startled you and stopped every on going conversation. you sat straight up and looked outside like everyone.

"oooh, the fireworks are starting.", jimin said.

you all rushed to the windows to observe it most of your friends went to the bigger windows as you opted for the smaller one. you felt the fresh air hitting your face as you opened it.

"it's pretty.", you said, watching the fireworks explode in multiple colors.

"it is.", sungchan replied as his eyes lingered on you for a moment before turning his attention towards the fireworks, "are you feeling better?"

"mmmmh yeah. the fireworks and bright lighting helped.", you joked, making him laugh a little.

there was even more noise when people started screaming and counting.

"5...4...3...2...1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!", lots of people shouted along with you and your friends. people on the streets were celebrating as well as your neighbors and people from other apartment buildings around you and even people driving were honking like crazy.

you turned towards sungchan to see that he was already looking at you, "what?", you asked as he seemed to have something on his mind.

sungchan smiled at you before moving his hand close to your face and pushing a strand of your hair behind your ear. his hand didn't move afterwards, his eyes looking for any sign of discomfort on your face. he then brought his face down to yours, still looking at you. you knew what he wanted to do and you didn't back out nor stopped him. you didn't want to. your gaze dropped down to his lips and leaned slightly forwards as if to tell him that it was okay. sungchan closed the gap between the two of you, his lips softly touched yours as he became your first kiss of the year.

no one really noticed the two of you as they were all too busy screaming and celebrating. all, except one person who spilled his drink on himself when he screamed 'happy new year' too excitedly.

jaemin.

thankfully, your first day in uni of the year wasn't right after the new year celebration because you were exhausted from all the cooking, the cleaning and the celebration. your friends all left quite early in the morning, not sleeping at all and deciding to call an uber for safety since they shouldn't drive in their state. you told jimin to give you her car keys, so you could drive her car to uni to avoid her the inconvenience of coming back here.

jaemin and you spent the next day, or rather afternoon, because you two slept until noon, cleaning the apartment. you didn't interact much since you still had the kiss with sungchan on your mind but even with that aside, you felt like jaemin was avoiding you. little did you know, your roommate also had yours and sungchan's kiss on his mind. after seeing the two of you, his mood switched instantly. he didn't know why his little crush on you affected him that much. or is it because it wasn't only a small crush?

you let it slide the first day, blaming it on the exhaustion caused by the new year but when the next days, jaemin was still acting the same, you started to worry. you tried asking him simple things to start at least a small conversation with him but he dodged every question and even straight up ignored you sometimes. the lack of attention from him did feel weird.

"okay, i can't do this anymore. what's wrong with you?", you finally snapped when you two passed each other in the hallway as you were heading back to your room and he was heading to the bathroom.

"what's wrong with ME? what's wrong with YOU?!", jaemin snapped back, turning around to face you.

"me?", you repeated, confused.

"one minute, you're warm, the other one, you're cold. one minute, you treat me like a friend, the other one, you act like i'm the worse fuckboy to ever exist. one minute...we're hugging and being domestic as fuck, and the other...you're...kissing another guy. this is driving me crazy, y/n. you're driving crazy. i don't know if you like me or not, or just what you think of me."

"i-", you were speechless. your mind was blank, still trying to register the informations.

"i'll leave you with your thoughts.", jaemin said, before turning around again, walking into the bathroom.

you were indeed drowning in your thoughts for the rest of the night, having trouble sleeping even. you couldn't wrap your head around what was actually happening. were you really stuck between two completely different guys? even when you managed to finally shut your brain off, your subconscious took over and you dreamed of the both of them.

when you woke up the next morning, you cursed the timing for having to go back to uni right after what happened. jaemin already left which made you kind of relieved, you wouldn't have known how to act around him. you drove jimin's car to uni, giving your friend her keys back at lunch.

you were really out of it the whole day. at first, ryujin thought that it was just because you haven't had any caffeine yet but when sungchan showed up with the cup of coffee he owed you from the bet, you didn't seem to get any better. you were thankful to sungchan who was extra sweet with you, seeing that you weren't feeling well.

"hey, are you free after class this afternoon?", sungchan asked you as you were sitting at lunch with everyone else.

"i'm doing something with the girls later.", you said, quickly followed by, "don't worry, we'll talk another day."

"alright.", sungchan sent you a relaxed smile as he patted your head.

you knew he wanted to talk about the kiss and the status of your relationship now that that happened but you weren't even sure what to tell him if you two talked right now.

you needed an emergency girls' night and it came in a form of snacks packaging all over your friends' living room's floor while ryujin and jimin were listening to you talk.

"he said what because he saw what?", jimin asked after you told them everything from your kiss with sungchan to jaemin snapping at you.

"so i didn't imagined that kiss.", ryujin said, tapping her chin with her index.

"you saw it and you didn't tell me?!", jimin exclaimed, offended.

"i barely saw it and i was drunk! i thought shipping them so hard got to my brain and i was hallucinating.", ryujin retorted, making you laugh.

"tsk.", jimin shook her head at her roommate disapprovingly before turning towards you, "so what happened next?"

"well, nothing. i have to talk to sungchan about the kiss and jaemin...well...i don't know..."

"this is like a drama. who do you like best?", ryujin asked.

"i-i don't know...sungchan?"

"that sounded more like a question than an affirmation.", jimin noted.

you sighed. your thoughts were in shambles, "sungchan is literally perfect. he's a kind, sweet, the sweetest ever, he never get grumpy somehow, and he's the kind of person that brightens your day the moment you see them. he really is the perfect friend. he's considerate, funny, i feel comfortable around him. it should be him, right?"

"what about jaemin?", ryujin asked.

"he's a fuckboy."

"what else?", jimin pushed.

"what do you mean?"

"he's not just a fuckboy and you know that. describe him like you did sungchan.", jimin clarified.

"jaemin is...my roommate. he can be insufferable, calling me bunch of nicknames like bunny and princess, and acting overall like the fuckiest fuckboy. he is extremely clingy and he drinks that awful iced americano with four extra shots of expresso that makes me wonder how he's still alive. but there's also that sweet side to him and little things he does that he thinks others won't notice. like how he can be super caring. did i tell you how when after he found me asleep on our doorstep that morning after a party, he made sure to be home every night just in case it happened again. i had to tell him that i was going to okay and that it won't happen again when he came back home still smelling like after sex sweat, alcohol and sephora. ke kinda grew on me, somehow. he's pretty funny and watching shows with him made me realize that he was kind of a romantic...but i can't get over the fuckboy status. i've been with too many fuckboys to fall for that again."

"you never know. maybe he's different.", jimin said.

"that's what i told myself every time and i'm sick of history repeating itself."

"do you lean towards one in particular?", ryujin asked.

"i know i should choose sungchan. he's good for me. he's like a sunny day after a storm...but jaemin feels like staying home with a blanket around me when it's raining outside."

"how did you feel when sungchan and you kiss?"

"good, i mean he's not a bad kisser. it felt comfortable and nice."

"you know you sound like you've already made a choice, right?", jimin asked you, "you described sungchan as a 'perfect friend' and then proceeded to rant about jaemin with the only thing holding you back, is that he's a fuckboy."

"my sungy/n heart is broken but i have to admit that you don't seem to have that much romantic feelings towards sungchan or at least, you feel more things for jaemin. you realize that you kept using the word 'should' for sungchan, right? it's like your head vs your heart.", ryujin added.

you sighed. from the bottom of your heart, you wished you could tell them they were wrong but you knew, deep down, that you didn't feel anything for sungchan, or like ryujin put it, you felt more for jaemin. everything would have been much easier if you were mentally stable enough to choose someone like sungchan. your situation with jaemin was just too complicated. you always thought that his gestures towards were only platonic and maybe they were at first but it seemed to have took a turn you didn't expect.

you went home pretty late that night, after talking with your friends for hours. you saw the messages jaemin sent you a few hours earlier. you had forgot to tell him that you were going to ryujin and jimin's place since you two were awkward now.

you entered your apartment, removing your shoes and sliding into your home slippers, walking into the living room. you noticed a mass of the couch, approaching it you saw jaemin lying there with his arms crossed and eyes closed.

he was waiting for you.

even though you two were not on speaking term and he seemed fed up the last time you spoke to him, he still waited. he was still worried. and there goes that little knife that dug itself deeper into your heart.

you went to jaemin's room to retrieve his blanket, thinking he must have been freezing waiting for you and falling asleep on the couch without something warm around him. you left him a note on the table next to the couch saying that you were home and that you were okay before going into your room.

the next day, your only class of the afternoon got canceled so sungchan and you decided to grab a coffee at the nearest coffee shop to talk about the two of you.

"so...", you started as the two of you sat down at a table in the cozy coffee shop with your drinks.

"so...", sungchan repeated.

there was a little awkward silence be fore you decided to speak again, "okay so i'm going to go straight to the point. i don't think-"

"-you have romantic feelings for me?", he interrupted with what you were going to say which startled you a little. he didn't seem sad or angry, he was just like his usual self.

"how did you-? did the girls tell you?"

sungchan laughed at your confusion, "no but it was something i kind of expected. i was hesitant at first for the new year's kiss but with a few shots and the loud fireworks, my brain said why not. i don't regret it.", he shrugged.

"i'm sorry.", you apologized.

"there's nothing to apologize for.", he nudged you, "it's not like i was in love with you or anything. it's alright. i like the idea of us maybe dating but i love being friends with you so actually, it's a win-win."

"you really are the best.", you smiled at him.

"then why aren't you dating me?!", he said but you knew that he was fully joking as he started laughing afterwards.

you got home that day, right after grabbing an early dinner with sungchan and the girls after their classes finished. when you entered the living room, jaemin was eating his dinner while watching tv on the couch, his wet hair adorning a jet black color.

he dyed his hair and holy mother of sanity did he look good.

you gulped down your thoughts and headed towards your room. you took a well deserved hot shower to clear your mind.

the following week was so awkward between the two of you. you woke up earlier every morning to leave the apartment before him and when you saw each other at home, you just walked past one another. you had to deal with your thoughts and feelings and jaemin left you the space you needed to do so even though it was killing him to not talk with you. you also felt bad every time you saw him watch a show on the couch alone, all you wanted to do was plop down next to him and enjoy some popcorn while commenting on whatever you were watching.

"jaemin?", you called, walking into the living room and spotting jaemin's now black hair on the couch.

"mmmh?", he hummed, acknowledging your call.

"can we talk?"

"sure.", he paused his show and sat back straight on the couch, moving from the middle to one end of it so you could sit as well.

"okay, so, let me get this out of the way first.", you said, sitting down on the couch and facing jaemin.

"sungchan and i are just friends. we talked about it and decided to remain friends since i didn't have any romantic feelings for him.", you said, slowing your usual speed of speech and being as clear and simple as you could be so your roommate wouldn't misunderstand, "now, what did you mean by telling me what you told me the other day?"

jaemin's eyes had seemed to have gain a few sparkles since you cleared things about sungchan. he remained silent for a moment, his brain fusing to get the adequate words out, "i like you, a lot."

you realized that you didn't plan anything passed this. you didn't know what to say.

"i- give me a second, alright?", you said, turning sideways and inhaling all the air you could before exhaling it all along your all your messy thoughts, wiping your brain clean, "okay, so...i can't say that i feel completely indifferent towards you...but...", jaemin's head perked up at your words, "you're a fuckboy."

"i-"

"-can change? stop? treat me good? i've heard it all. and they never changed.", you saw jaemin opening his mouth again probably to defend himself, but you quickly continued, knowing what he was going to say, "i know it doesn't mean that you won't, so...i was thinking...if you're up for it...to have like a sort of trial?"

"like netflix?"

"kinda? let's not date, or flirt, or fuck anyone for like a month or two and see if we still have feelings and by we, i mean, mainly you.", you threw in a little joke at the end to lighten the mood.

"one month or two, even a whole year if i have to."

"well, we'll see if your feelings make it. i'm quite hard to love."

"i'll give it my best.", he said with a little smile, blinking his doe eyes at you.

"don't over do it.", you smiled before pushing his face backwards.

jaemin put his arms around you and brought you in a much wanted hug. he's been dying to do that since the start of your conversation, "is that okay?"

"i'll tell you if something is not okay.", you said, relaxing in his arms. you missed that feeling.

"can i come in?", jaemin asked after knocking on your door.

"sure.", you shouted while finishing your makeup.

"are you ready to go?", he asked, stepping in. you two were going to a frat party, even though you weren't really in the mood, you still wanted to spend some time with your friends.

"yeah, just let me grab my jacket and...", you turned around to be faced with jaemin's body. you waited for him to move but he didn't, you looked up at him and said, "i thought we were leaving."

"i just want to look at you a little longer.", he said, putting his hands on your side, right on the cutouts of your white dress.

"you can do that at the party.", you teased, wrapping your arms around his neck.

"but i'd rather do it here.", jaemin brought one of his hands up to your face, his index under your chin, lifting it up to face his own.

your eyes were fixated on his lips as you gulped. you pulled yourself out of the thoughts of how they would feel against your own and looked up at his eyes to see him still looking down, "don't ruin my lipstick.", you whispered since you two were pretty close.

"hearing you say it, makes me want to do it even more."

"oh yeah?", you slowly got on your tiptoes, getting your lips even closer to his. if you moved, you would have been able to transfer some of your lipstick on his lips. jaemin's breath got caught in his throat and he didn't dare to move a millimeter. his whole body froze. you smirked at his reaction and stepped back, walking around him to grab the jacket on your chair, "let's go."

jaemin let out a shaky sigh before following after you.

during the party, jaemin and you got separated at some point as he went to find his friends and you yours. since you didn't really felt like partying too much, so you just had some fun with your friends, dancing and laughing.

"how is it going with jaemin?", jimin asked you as you sat on a couch between her and sungchan. there was also ryujin, chaeryeong, and shotaro.

"there's something going on between you and jaemin?", shotaro asked.

"yes and no...i'm waiting to see if he's serious about this or not."

"mmmh so that's why he's been sending me death stares from that corner over there since we sat on this couch.", sungchan said, almost sounding as if he was joking but when you quickly glanced at the corner he mentioned you noticed jaemin staring in your direction among a group of guys who were just discussing with one another which made you start laughing a little.

from jaemin's point of view, you were laughing at something sungchan had said which made him kind of jealous if he was totally honest. he trusted you and knew that if you told him that there was nothing going on between sungchan and you then there was nothing but he couldn't help but feel a little stab in his heart.

after some more talking with your friends, you decided it was time for you to head home. you hugged your friends goodbye before heading outside. you swiped on your phone, ready to order a taxi to go home when someone called you, "y/n! bunny!"

you turned around instantly, recognizing the nickname, "almost didn't know it was you when you called me by my name.", you teased with a smile.

jaemin smiled back at you before asking, "are you leaving right now?"

"yeah, don't worry about me, i'll see you at home.", you said, waving him back inside.

"it's alright, we can go home together."

"i'm alright, jaemin. really."

"but i want to go home with you.", he pouted.

how could you say no to that face.

"did you drink?", you asked him.

"one cup.", he said, holding his index up.

"give me your keys.", you replied, stretching your hand out.

jaemin easily complied, sliding his keys into your hand. your ride home was quite fun, jaemin showed you mark's soundcloud and to be completely honest, his songs were pretty good. jaemin and you bopped your head to mark's voice while laughing at whatever weird moves your roommate was doing.

"first for the bathroom.", you said as soon as you heard jaemin close your apartment door.

"wait.", jaemin grabbed your wrist, spinning around to face him. he was extremely close, "can i ruin your lipstick now?"

you didn't say anything at first, your mind still trying to process his words. your eyes trailed down from his eyes to his lips and gosh did they look inviting. you slowly leaned in and pressed your lips gently on his. that was all jaemin needed to kiss you back. you stood in the middle of your living room, fully making out, your hands were in his hair while he had one one your waist while the other one cupped your cheek. you felt your heart beating so fast that at this point, you thought it was gonna beat out of your chest.

jaemin was the first one to pull away, breathing heavily, "if we keep going, it's gonna be really hard for me to stop myself..."

your brain worked it magic and lots of things went through your mind after he said that and in a short amount of time, making you blush and hide your face in his shirt.

you headed back to your room to take some clothes before going into the bathroom. you looked at yourself in the mirror and your hand instinctively went to your lips, fingers tracing your lower lip as you saw how smudged your lipstick had gotten. the event flashed in your mind and you couldn't help the smile spreading on your face. jaemin was slowly bringing the wall you had built down and even though you were scared to let someone in again, being with jaemin felt great.

that night, jaemin came into your room and asked if you two could cuddle. you sleepily opened your covers for him, sliding to one side of your bed and the both of you fell asleep in each other's arms.

"hey, i actually don't feel like clubbing tonight, you guys go without me.", you said to jimin over the phone.

"alright! we'll send you lots of pictures!"

"alright! have fun!", you both hung up as you returned to your tv show.

that night you had planned to go to that club in itaewon that was famous for doing a monthly event for university student only but you didn't really feel like going out, you lowkey were just waiting for jaemin to get home so you could cuddle together while watching tv.

you heard the doorbell ring and were confused for a second. you got up to check the camera screen next to your door and saw a girl standing there. she seemed to be around your age and was holding something in her hands.

you pushed the mic button to speak to the person outside, "hello, who are you?"

"hello, i'm here to give jaemin his sweater back. he left it with me when we saw each other last week ."

you felt your heart drop in your stomach and a lump form in your throat. when you realized you've been silent for a long time, you managed to pull yourself together and open the door. you greeted the girl with a slight bow as she did the same.

"tell him i'm sorry i didn't gave it to him earlier, i just remembered a few hours ago."

you nodded, your brain had completely shut off.

"i'll...leave then.", she awkwardly said, before walking away.

you closed the door and let out a big sigh. you couldn't believe what just happened. you looked in the bag the girl had handed you and indeed it was one of jaemin's sweater, you had seen him wear it multiple time. you remembered telling him that you were going out tonight with the girls so did he call her over? while you were out? were they hooking up?

you felt like you've been cheated on even though technically you had no right to feel that way. he wasn't your boyfriend. this only meant that he wasn't serious about pursuing you to begin with. even though it was something you expected, it still hurt but right now you weren't really sad, you were more angry, fuming actually.

you dropped the bag in jaemin's room and went to yours, getting ready to forget about your stupid roommate.

"hello, jaemin? this is ryujin. can you come pick y/nup? she's gone completely out of character. she's so drunk, she is actually this close to offering a strip tease to whoever says yes. we're trying to hold her back but i can't stop her. come quick, please, i'll text you the address."

as soon as jaemin heard this, he hurried back out of his apartment. he had just gotten home after his shift when he received ryujin's call and he was very confused because ryujin said that you were drunk. jaemin had never seen you drunk and the only time he saw you drink was at your new year party. he wondered why you suddenly started drinking again, especially when you seemed so done with your younger self every time you spoke about it.

jaemin found you, jimin and ryujin on the street in front of the club. you were leaning on jimin's shoulder as ryujin checked your temperature with her hand on your forehead. jaemin could see the look of relief on their face when they saw him. your roommate gave them a ride home as your two friends were exhausted from running around the club to get you. during the whole car ride, you didn't spoke nor look into jaemin's direction. you just closed your eyes and lean the farthest you could from him. even when jaemin tried to help you out the car, you ignored him and didn't let him touch you. you had regain some clarity thanks to the little drive and could totally walk and stand on your own, even though you could go off path from time to time. jaemin stayed behind you to make sure you didn't fall.

once you've reached your apartment, jaemin asked you, "hey, is everything okay?"

it was a simple question but it somehow angered you in an inimaginable way, "is everything okay? is everything OKAY?!", you scoffed, "no, everything is not okay, no.", you looked at him with spite in your eyes, "your booty call dropped by earlier. she wanted to give you your sweater back. should've told her when you were going to be home."

"what are you talking about?", jaemin asked with furrowed eyebrows.

you didn't even hear the real confusion in his voice, only interpreting his question as a lie, a way to manipulate you, like many had done before.

"you know what i'm talking about. don't play dumb.", being drunk made you a lot harsher and filter free.

"i really don't. i can assure you i have not been hooking up with anyone. how can you think that? you're the only one i've want any contact with. you're the only one i can think about. you're all i think about. how do you want me to prove it to you? do you want me to shout it out loud in the streets or in the hallways of uni? because i would do it in a heartbeat. you're driving me insane but in a good way. in a way, that makes me want more."

"that's not what i want. i don't want you to burn for me. i don't want to be the bane of your existence.", you started, quoting the infamous show you two had been watching, "i don't want passion. i want someone to love me, even when i'm boring, even when i'm mad, even when i'm sad, even when i don't talk and stay in my corner or when i'm loud and talk to everybody at a party, even when i'm old. i'm sick of the honeymoon phase. in french, they call it 'noces de chêne', oak wedding, it represents 80 years of marriage. i want that kind of love. old, long, lasting."

after that long rant, you stumbled to your room and crashed onto your bed, passing out.

the next morning, you woke up with an astronomical headache. you forgot how hangover felt like and you sure didn't miss it. you turned over on your bed and spotted a glass of water and some medication for your headache on your bedside table. you quickly took them with a little groan, due to sitting up too quickly. you remembered the events of the previous night all too well, a little embarrassed by your behavior at the club. you'll text your friends later to apologize. after taking the pills, you got up, grabbed some clothes and took a well needed shower. you've never felt that dirty after waking up. you got back into bed right after making sure you blowdried your hair and tried to get some more sleep.

a few minutes later, someone knocked on your door. you didn't answer, knowing who it was. jaemin waited a little before opening the door to your room and entering, "i made you some hangover soup."

you still didn't answer.

jaemin approached your bed with the little table tray, "i know you're awake. i heard you taking a shower."

you sighed, peeking your head out from under the blanket. you saw jaemin standing next to your bed with the tray in his hands and you knew that he wouldn't leave before you ate that soup so you sat up, allowing him to put the tray table on your bed.

you started eating in silence, still not wanting to speak to him.

"are you still mad?", jaemin asked.

slurp.

"i take that as a yes. can i at least explain myself?"

slurp.

"then i will. please refrain from throwing soup in my face until i finish talking.", you eye sided him before continuing your slurping, "so, i saw the bag in my room. i guess you were talking about that yesterday. i did not sleep with her. she's the girl from high school i talked to you about. she just wanted to clear up some misunderstandings we had. she spilled her coffee on herself by accident and i gave her my sweater to cover it up. she sent me a message yesterday to give it back but also told me that she didn't know when she'll be able to. so i just gave her our address so she could drop it here whenever she could. i told her to leave it in front of the door if no one was home. i did not sleep with anyone since i told you i love you. well, technically, i didn't say it but the meaning was there, well...anyway..."

your eyes perked up at the word 'love', you knew it wasn't as if he told you he was in love with you but still, it was a strong feeling that you didn't know someone could feel towards you.

jaemin, as if he saw the perplexity in your eyes, said, "i love when we go grocery shopping together. i love when we cook together or watch shows together. i love when it's getting late and you knock on my door to make sure i've had dinner. i love how your eyes sparkle and almost turn into crescent moons when you hear or see something funny. i love when you hold my hand even if it's for a split second. and i especially love how i feel around you. i've been falling for you more and more each day and i've learn to love every little thing about you. i don't know who told you you were hard to love, but loving you is the easiest thing i have ever done."

your gaze softened at his speech. you dropped your spoon and grabbed his face, giving him a soft peck on the lips.

you had to admit that you were blinded by your emotions and trauma at first. having lived that same situation many times where your ex boyfriends would cheat on you and then deny it, even though you caught them in the act, on your on bed, like sure bob, that's your cousin and her weird way of greeting you. but you knew that you could trust jaemin, you two were friends before all this and you felt bad for not giving him the benefit of the doubt and snapping at him instead of remaining calm and communicating.

"i'm sorry...for yesterday and for assuming.", you apologized.

"it's alright. you can make it up to me later with lots of kisses and cuddles.", he said, kissing the top of your head, "can i be your boyfriend now?"

you smiled, "sure."

"yayyy, girlfriend!", he exclaimed. he was going to tackle you but remembered the tray and quickly got rid of it.

"eeeh, i wasn't done with that.", you said, hand reaching out for the food but jaemin was too quick.

"there's plenty more. i want to cuddle.", he said, opening his arms and almost jumping on top of you. you snuggled in his arms, breathing in his scent. you felt safe in his arms.

looking back, you definitely involved yourself more than necessary with na jaemin.

but that was probably the best thing you had ever done.

[str4wberryfo4m]

End & Beginning (Na Jaemin)

“… let this ending of ours be the bloom of your beginning.”

pairing: jaemin x f!reader

genre: angst, best friends to strangers

summary: in which you and jaemin has been best friends for years, until one random day he decided to distance himself. a month later, he published something you never thought you’d witness.

warning: -

wc: 1.7k

You’re passing notes with Jaemin, not focusing at all on what Mr Lee is saying. It’s no shock, considering you both hated sociology class. ‘Wanna play badminton later?’ you smiled when you read the note, and you wrote back, ‘sure, a badminton date sounds nice ><’ you hesitated to pass it back to him, too afraid that he’d thought you were weird thinking it’s a date when it’s just playing badminton with a friend. Yes, best friends. You had been dropping subtle hints that you liked him for two years now, yet Jaemin has always been so oblivious. The moment you almost passed the note, Mr Lee spoke, “Jaemin. Y/n. What are you guys doing passing notes in my class?” Jaemin just grinned and replied, “It’s a love letter. Want me to read it to the whole class, sir?” Your face has been red thinking about how you’ll spend your time with Jaemin, and now it’s even redder when he says it’s a love letter. “Out from my class. Bring your books too,” you’re supposed to be mad, getting punished for something that is not true. Yet here you are, smiling, and the whole hour you’re standing outside with Jaemin, both of you playfully nudged each other to the point giggles are heard and Mr Lee had to create a ‘barrier’ for both of you.

It has always been this way. He’s your everything. And he would always remind you that he feels the same. The problem is, that the line between being friends and lovers is always blurry. He’ll come as fast as he can to your house with your favorite snacks just because you called him while crying? As a friend. He kisses your forehead and both of your cheeks when he is leaving your house? In a friendly way. Both of you cuddling so lovingly while deciding whether to watch a movie or just talk? That’s what best friends do. He calls you baby? Well, he loves babying you, so that makes you his baby. He ditched the girls who asked him out just because “they can’t compare to you, why can’t they just be more like you”? Yes, totally what a guy who doesn’t have feelings for his best friend would do and say! You liked him long before these blurry lines existed. You decided that twelve years was more than enough to confirm what you feel for him, and you know for sure that you want him forever, not just as best friends, but as your husband. Your future. You once asked him if he thought about if you would randomly end up together, hoping that he’d catch the point in you asking. He just teased you back saying, “What? You’ve been thinking about that lately?” Of course, you couldn’t answer, he’s indirectly saying he never thought of it, right?

Two months passed, yet both of you are still best friends. Just best friends. One week, and then you’ll graduate. You became anxious to think that this might be your last chance. Yes, you’ll still be friends, both of you applied to the same university; yet you want a fresh beginning with him, this time, as his lover. You were thinking about how to confess when he texted you.

While you were waiting for his drink, he texted you with a simple “Y/n, don’t come over. I’m not in the mood to watch movies. I think I need some space,” and to say you're shocked was an understatement, considering how he was so excited and this never happened before. You tried calling him twice but decided to stop when he kept rejecting your call. Why was he asking for space? It never existed between both of you. Holding his iced green tea, you decided to drop it off in front of his house, hoping that he’d feel better from whatever he was feeling. You texted him informing him that you left the drink and were already walking away so he wouldn’t bump into you. And he didn’t reply.

Since the day he asked for space, he no longer talks to you, never replies to any of your texts, and the worst part is he acted like you both are strangers who never knew each other at all. It’s as if you were invisible. You on the other hand are desperate to get him to talk again, almost going crazy because you missed him and how you guys were. This went by for three weeks, until you decided enough is enough. So you go to his house, and it’s so foreign for you to ring his doorbell and wait for him to open. You’d never have to do that since you both have no secrets. You both know the passwords of each other's phones, houses, and even social media. The moment the door opened, he asked, “What are you doing here?” you sighed and just stared at the floor. When he almost shut the door, that’s when you said, “I miss you. What happened? What is it that made us this way?” he laughed sinisterly, “You just miss someone always being there for you. Find someone else. Oh, and don’t bother being afraid to ruin us, you already did,” wanting to ask for explanations, he slammed the door not leaving any space for discussion. You’re standing there, confused. And you know this will be the only thing you can think about until you get an answer.

It’s been a month since the coffee shop incident. Meaning it’s been a week since he said you ruined the friendship. You’re scrolling through your old conversation with Jaemin, mainly because you miss him and you’re hoping you could find where it went wrong. A notification pops up.

[na.jaemin0813 uploaded a post!]

You could not be angry even if you wanted to; all you felt was sadness. Everything—the teasing, holding, kissing, gesturing, and so on. It means everything to you, but nothing to him. You decided to wear just a hoodie, but what slipped your mind was that it was your matching hoodie with him that he gave you for your birthday. You went to the coffee shop that used to be your and Jaemin's go-to spot for dessert and a drink. Your eyes automatically saw a cup of americano and an iced green tea. When he pushed the cup toward you and said, "Your favorite," you badly wanted to splash him in the face. Taking deep breaths, you can feel tears threatening to spill, "Why did you do this to me? I guess twelve years means nothing to you.” He stared right into your eyes before saying “Y/n, you meant a lot to me. You’re my priority. If I had to choose between you or anybody else, you’d always be the one I’d choose. I wanted to make us official. I thought you felt the same way over the years. I can’t be with someone who just enjoys my company without wanting to commit to me,” you’re becoming more confused. Noticing your expression, he continues, “I heard your conversation with Yena. I’m sorry. I came as a surprise, I wanted to pick you up, then I heard what you said.” Your eyebrows furrowed, “Jaemin, if you really heard what I said, why would you go and find someone else?” now he’s the one confused. You asked him to tell you about what happened.

“Have you thought about telling him?” Yena was your desk mate, that was before Jaemin practically begged to change desks. “What? To Jaemin? No! What if I ruin our friendship? Ruin us? I don’t want him to freak out.” “You should at least try. He would understand. I’m sure about that,” you sighed, considering what Yena said. “This is not easy. I don’t want us to be awkward. I enjoy his presence. I don’t want to lose him as my best friend.” That’s it. Jaemin couldn’t bear to listen any longer. You have a crush on someone and see him as a platonic friend. He storms out and texted you afterward.

“You’re so stupid, Jaemin. You didn’t even listen to the whole thing. You skipped the important parts. I told Yena I liked you since our second year being friends. Yena was just helping me with how to talk to you before graduation. What I meant by I’m afraid of losing you as a friend is… I’m afraid you’ll reject me. Then we’ll stop being friends. My point is, I’ll bottle my feelings so I can stay with you for a long time without messing up. Yet here we are,” Jaemin’s eyes were watery. “Can we still.. I don’t know, fix this? I mean, am I too late? Are we like, done? No wait, because I truly don’t.. My new girlfriend isn’t.. I don’t want to lose you,” his words don’t make any sense, but you can understand the desperation in him. Jaemin has always been like this. Whenever he tries to cheer or comfort you, he always blabbers nonsense because he’s desperate to make you feel better. Sometimes he’d blabber until you giggled because of how cute and funny he was. “Jaemin, you can’t do that. You’re with someone right now. I’m happy if you’re happy. I feel grateful that I got closure about why you acted that way. Would’ve been painful for me to lose my once best friend without knowing what went wrong,” you smiled as wide as you could, but both Jaemin and you knew it was fake.

“Y/n, I want you. Please,” hearing Jaemin say that made you speechless, so you just stared at the americano he bought you. When you finally made eye contact with him, you slowly stood up. “You can’t leave someone just to be with someone else. I know you’re not that kind of person. We just needed closure, Jaemin. This is our last chapter. Let’s close our book together. I pray that your new beginning will be filled with happiness, comfort, and warmth. Let this ending of ours be the bloom of your beginning,” and you walked away, with the hope that this closure would heal your heart of losing your ‘almost’.

[jaemskitty]

maridos e esposas — Na Jaemin

gênero: angst

wc: jaemin!dilf (pasmem) | cotidiano de um casamento falido | tristeza e mais tristeza | dependência emocional (?) | infidelidade | age gap | nudez | sem final feliz | menção a bebida alcoólica | jaemin loiro, porque ele é o momento | isso é uma base, pode haver mais coisas.

n/a: estou devastada, boa leitura! perdão aos possíveis erros.

Sexta à noite nunca foi tão fria, nem mesmo as de invernos rigorosos. Já era inverno? Não sabia, pois perdera a noção de tempo e espaço.

Entretanto achava que já era inverno no coração daquele homem. Aquele homem cujo há três anos portava o sobrenome, aquele cujo a aliança brilhava no anelar, mas de nada parecia servir. Era ouro puro, mas já não tinha valor nenhum. É, o inverno havia chegado no coração de Na Jaemin, seu esposo.

Mordeu o lábio tremulo de frio e fixou os olhos nos profundos do homem a sua frente e tentou ser a garota mais forte desse mundo, mas não conseguia com aquele cheiro sob seu nariz; um perfume feminino que não era o seu.

Talvez não deveria ter deixado chegar naquele ponto, mas você o amava demais. Demais. Tanto. Incondicionalmente. Sempre amou, é por isso que enfrentava aquele inverno mais do que lhe era saudável.

Dentro daquela banheira enorme seu corpo nu perdia-se no vazio e frieza da agua esbranquiçada. Sozinha. Jaemin estava do lado de fora da banheira, sentado ao lado, centímetros de distância um do outro.

— Se sente bem? — indagou com um nó dolorido na garganta, tombando a cabeça devagarzinho e dramaticamente na borda da banheira, levando o dedo indicador molhado até a aliança reluzente de Jaemin, brincando infantilmente.

O loiro mais velho engoliu e franziu as sobrancelhas em questionamento, pois nao entendia sua linguagem, seu silencio feminino. E isso era um dos agravantes, talvez ele não saber ler nenhum de seus sinais tenha os levado até esse frio desconcertante.

Que se dane, de qualquer forma. Seu peito doía colossalmente, mas estava sendo tão forte.

— Do quê tá falando, minha menina? — O cheiro do álcool era nítido, e por mais que fosse cansativamente recorrente sempre te incomodava como das primeiras vezes. Jaemin não chegava caindo de bebado, mas dificilmente estava sóbrio.

Fungou ainda encolhida, com a bochechinha descansando ali naquela louça cara. A casa que Jaemin lhe prometeu por anos e ao casarem-se ele cumpriu cada uma de suas promessas.

— Quero saber se o que você tem feito te deixa bem, Jaemin. — Por enquanto estava firme, mas não sabia até quando, até qual momento. Olhar para Jaemin naquela altura do campeonato parecia cortar seu pobre coraçãozinho, mas o fez, o fez pois queria saber se terminava assim. Se era real que seu maior sonho, ser esposa daquele homem, iria descolorir assim.

Os olhos encheram-se d'agua e, para sua surpresa, vira dor nos olhos do Na, arrependimento talvez. Sorriu dolorida deixando uma lágrima quente, grossa e ácida escorrer de seus lindos olhos, molhando toda sua bochecha vermelha do frio. A mesma delicada mão que tocava a aliança do Na ergueu-se até o rosto do mesmo, e tocar nele agora parecia como da primeira vez de tanto tempo que fazia.

— Onde errei, meu querido? — Sussurrou acariciando a bochecha do loiro, o vendo cada vez mais expressivo. Jaemin negava lentamente, os olhos os quais você perdidamente apaixonou-se agora avermelhados devido ao leve teor alcoólico e lágrimas. Lágrimas? Parecia uma piada. — Valeu a pena? — Cada palavra sua sequenciava uma lágrima e sua cabeça doía tanto.

— Minha m-menina...e-eu sinto muito. — Foi tudo o que ele conseguiu dizer, sentindo seu toque adocicado, sentindo o perfume doce do mesmo sabonete de baunilha que você usou na noite nupcial.

A noite que Jaemin te fez dele, quando ele arrancou de ti qualquer resquício de inocência. Sempre seria especial, sempre lembraria de como se sentiu amada por aquele homem que te roubava os batimentos cardíacos mais acelerados. Apesar dos pesares sempre seria louca por ele, e era isso que mais te machucava muito provavelmente.

Não conseguia odiá-lo.

Riu-se em meio às lágrimas e impulsionou o corpo um pouquinho a frente, o suficiente para ficar rente ao maior, deixando um suave beijo no nariz bonito do Na.

— Você não sente nada, querido...Tá' tudo bem, hm? — Sempre amena, aquela delicada voz que conquistou Jaemin, mas não foi o suficiente para mantê-lo por perto.

Jaemin chorou. Um soluço masculino foi bem capitado por seus ouvidos quando caiu na água outra vez, exausta e exposta. De que importava? Eram dois estranhos, mas dois estranhos conhecidos.

— Eu...e-eu...— Nada saía dele, somente barulhos e lágrimas.

Sorriu ao ver que um homem de quase quarenta anos ainda parecia um garoto quando exposto a situações de fraqueza. Ele era tudo o que vocês tinham.

Vocês.

A mãozinha desceu até seu ventre, um tanto quanto inchado, mas só você notou aquilo, até porque somente você via seu corpo ultimamente. E então foi tomada por soluços fortes, abrasivos e dolorosos.

Como chegaram nesse estado?

Jaemin parecia paralisado em meio as lágrimas te vendo tocar ali. Incógnito agarrou a beirada da banheira com força e ansiedade, olhando e buscando respostas, mas desesperado com o seu pranto.

— E-eu estou grávida, querido...— fungou — esse era o nosso sonho há um ano atrás, lembra? — O desespero era nítido, pois cansou de ser forte. Talvez ainda fosse uma garotinha. — S-sinto que vai ser Luna...— Tocava ali como uma verdadeira mãe. Nua e totalmente reduzida aquele homem, como vem sendo. — Minha Luna. — Sussurrou.

Jaemin limpou o rosto nervoso e buscou contato, mas você encolheu-se inteira na banheira, o mirando, tirando os cabelos longos molhados de frente ao rosto vermelho. Aquilo disse tudo a Jaemin.

Era muito, muito tarde.

Sua respiração ofegante normalizou aos poucos, a medida que rastejou até a borda outra vez, olhando o Na de perto outra vez. Sem tocar no homem em sua frente, segurando-se na beirada, tomou impulso para outra vez estar rente aquele rosto bonito.

— Ia te dar hoje essa notícia, e...E-eu estava tão nervosa...— Sorriu amarga contra os lábios de Jaemin e o beijou, sugando o inferior dentro da propria boquinha. — Obrigada por t-tornar isso mais fácil, querido.

Ele então pela primeira vez soube que estava perdido.

— _____...

— Shhhhh....— Repousou a mão enfeitada com a aliança delicada contra a boca do mesmo. — É m-muito tarde...Nós v-vamos ficar bem...Você vai ficar bem. — Ainda sussurrando fechou os olhinhos, cheia de dores e amarguras, beijou a testa de Jaemin.

E essa foi a deixa. Foi a ultima vez que estiveram tão próximos do que um dia fora intimidade.

[hirokari]

rain-sitting.

p: na jaemin x gn!reader | wc: 2.7k | g: high school!au, best friends to enemies to more, slight angst, fluff, high school academic rivals | cw: explicit language, food and eating | a/n: hmm lowkey cheesy but . so what im so insanely in love with jaemin

Your socks are getting wet. You suppose that's a given when you've been sitting in the rain for thirty minutes, but you can't help but cringe at the slush of it every time you shift in your position.

Your t-shirt clings to your abdomen and you constantly have to pull at it, sniffing and breathing in the scent of fresh rain.

Normally you'd love the scent of it. Its earthy and fresh, and you don't ever mind that it can be cold. Though, as you watch the rain bounce against the pavement, you still can't bring yourself to dislike the weather. God knows how long you've been here, but you don't mind staying another moment longer.

To your surprise, the rain stops hitting your body. You're a little startled at the sound of aggressive patter against an umbrella and look up.

Nothing could have prepared you for the fact that Na Jaemin towers over you, letting himself get drenched because he's holding his umbrella over your hunched body.

He stares at you. After looking up at him for a moment, you look down to your feet, too embarrassed to say anything.

"What, is this a hobby of yours? Rain-sitting?"

You don't answer.

Though he sighs, Jaemin stays put by your side, still holding his umbrella out to shield you. A minute passes by. Then two. By now, you're hoping he'll give up and walk away-- back to wherever he came from-- because you don't think you can handle the embarrassment of explaining how you'd twisted your ankle running in the rain.

Finally, after deciding he'd been under the rain for too long, you look back up at him, who's still watching over you, eyes somehow kinder than they used to be.

"Hi," You croak. Jaemin can't help but let his chest clench a little. The corner of his lips twitches up, "Hi, yes, I've been here for like, 30 minutes."

"It wasn't that long," You scoff in a suppressed whisper. Jaemin raises his brows at you, "Oh, so you were aware I was here?"

You don't answer.

Jaemin sighs yet again, slowly lowering to your level. You watch the boy, slightly enamoured by the look on his face, uncaring for the fact that he's still being rained on just to keep the umbrella over you.

He sits next to you on the pavement, nudging the hand which holds his umbrella against your knuckle. With a moment's hesitation and your cautious eyes meeting with his, you take it with a slight tremble in your fingers due to the cold.

And you decide you don't like the fact that Na Jaemin is getting rained on, so you shift closer to him, the sound of your shoes scraping against the gravelly pavement mixing in with the rain that now calms down.

"Why are you here? Do you have anywhere to go?" Asks Jaemin, shuffling closer to your side to shelter from the weather. "The project. Jeno's place is around here but he had something to do last minute so we rescheduled. Tried running home but- uh,"

You pause, partly because you're too embarrassed to admit you'd fallen and twisted your ankle, another part shy about the fact that Jaemin is literally pressed up against your side.

You grumble with your lips pressed against each other, "I tw-s m'nkl."

"Um, sorry?"

"I," You heave, eyes squinting shut as you turn your face towards him, "twisted. My ankle."

Jaemin wears a worried expression on his face, which surprises you a little. Almost hurriedly (you don't want to imagine things), Jaemin lunges and reaches forward to your right ankle, to which you laugh at.

"Wrong one, genius."

"How was I supposed to know?" Replies Jaemin, though his tone suggests he was jesting.

You let him inspect your ankle, letting your stomach and chest do everything but stay calm when he grazes your skin with his fingers. He tilts it a little, eyes casting up to you in assurance that you're not hurt, then turns your ankle over.

"Can you walk?"

"Not on my own, no."

The boy pauses, still grazing his fingers down your ankle until he taps on the material of your shoe. "Alright," Sniffling and scrunching his nose up, Jaemin turns around, still squatted in front of you, and stretches his arms backwards.

"Get on."

"What?"

"Get on my back, Y/N."

"I can't," You deny. You reasonably can physically, but you don't think your heart could take it.

"Y/N," He says your name again, this time softer as he looks back at you. Clenching the umbrella tighter in your hand, you give in with slightly dusted cheeks and lean forward, one arm wrapping across his shoulder blades, the other holding his umbrella over the both of you.

"On 3, okay?"

"Okay,"

Jaemin plants his palms on the underside of your thighs, his touch still somehow warm despite the amount of time he'd spent under the rain. At some point he already started counting down, but you were too carried away with the feeling of his fingers hooking across the pit of your knee, his touch conveying a gentle message in a way. In some strange way that you interpret it perfectly well.

"That's not so bad," Jaemin clears his throat, ascending up to his feet. "You okay back there?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just tell me if I get too heavy," You reply half-heartedly, feeling a little stupid at the fact that you'd been fawning over the touch of your academic rival.

You press the side of your forehead against the back of his neck. Jaemin shivers, but likes the comfort you give him just from a simple, non-intentional gesture.

"We're going to my place,"

"What? No-no, you can just drop me off at the bus station, Na."

"What, and leave you alone all night? You live across town, Y/N."

You don't object after that. You hate when Jaemin is right, but you hate it even more when you can't argue with him. Wordless, Jaemin turns towards the direction of his house, steady with his footsteps as he walks. He can't help but smile a little when you notice his front side was exposed a slight bit and adjust the umbrella so you're both equally shielded, though there isn't really any more use to that because you're both extremely wet.

"I can't just crash at your place," You attempt to object again.

"You're not crashing," Replies Jaemin, bouncing and tightening his hold on you. "I'm making you stay at my place."

"You're kidnapping me."

"I'm kidnapping you."

You can't help the little laugh that bubbles out your throat-- a small chuckle-- which makes Jaemin's lips stretch in a wider smile, chuckling to himself.

It's until when Jaemin slowly sets you down on his porch when you realize it has been the longest time since you'd been to his place. 9th grade, 2nd semester. His mom had invited you over for lunch because you were Na Jaemin's technical best friend at the time.

When the door opens, Jaemin offers a hand out to you, which you take. He tugs you closer to his side, wrapping an arm around your shoulders to keep you grounded and balanced (but you'd reacted the opposite because he was pressed so close against you).

His place is the same as it was the last time you'd visited: a family portrait hung up above the drawer next to the shoe holder; a four-seat dinner table sits in front of the kitchen counter; Jaemin's name hung up on his door written in his middle school handwriting (you'd ever forgotten it).

"There," Grunts Jaemin a little as he sets you down on the couch. You cringe, "Aren't you bothered your couch is gonna get wet?" You watch the boy retrieve an aid kit from a drawer, fetching a fresh wrap and playing with it.

"Nope," He says as he plops down next to you, his own clothes wetting the cushions. His fingers tap at your knee and he looks at your ankle. You turn. lifting your ankle towards him, which he takes and sets on his lap carefully.

"Though these wraps are pretty expensive," Sighs Jaemin, lightly pressing against your skin. "you need it."

You don't understand.

Jaemin... hasn't been on the best terms with you. As much as you hate to admit it, he makes fun of you. Rubs his grades in your face, unwilling to accept defeat when you reveal a perfect score. You'd had an argument in front of half the school because Mark had spilled that you liked him-- at the time. But that was two years ago.

People change, you suppose. In silence.

Watching him, it's hard for you to believe this boy-- the one that'd insulted you in front of a majority of the student body-- is helping you to this extent.

Jaemin notices you staring, and sees the unintentional frown you wear.

"I... understand."

"Hm?"

"If you- hate. Me." His voice is strained, quiet. Guilty, almost. You shake your head, "No, no. I don't." You absorb the moment, fully realizing that Na Jaemin doesn't hate you either with the way he looks at you.

"I don't think I could hate you."

It seems to have triggered something in Jaemin, and suddenly he's sitting a little closer to you, turning. "I never hated you." You give him a surprised look, "You didn't?"

"No, I'm just... extremely, extremely stupid. When I heard you had feelings for me, I-"

You waves your hands at him, shaking your head with a bitter frown, "Oh, we don't have to talk about that, Na. Please spare me the embarrassment." Though you attempt to jest, he still think he's at fault.

There's a silence in the air. A suffocating one. Jaemin still grazes his fingers over your bandaged ankle, a chest clenching look on his face.

"You need fresh clothes." He says, voice strained. Before you can say anything back, Jaemin is quick to get up and leave to his room, leaving you alone with the sound of the clock that hangs in the center of the room, its ticking slowing the more you pay attention to it.

You take this time to observe your ankle he'd just bandaged. It was done with care, you can tell just by looking at it, the feeling of it not too tight nor too loose. You remember he'd always wanted to work in the medicine field, so it was a given he was experienced with things like this.

Jaemin has told you many things over the span of 5 years that you've known him. He likes books and coffee and all things yellow. He likes taking photos of every moment, whether it be scenery or a portrait of any of his friends.

He practically lives off of sweets. You remember he'd joked with you about it, both of you wondering how he has not had a stroke yet. He was, inevitably, your best friend. And you were his. Were.

Jaemin comes back with a pair of sweats and a thin t-shirt, offering them to you, "Here. Tell me if you need a hoodie or a jacket. In case you get cold."

You take the clothes, smiling and thanking him quietly. "I can walk myself to the bathroom. Thanks again, Na."

Jaemin's shirt smells like him, and it feels fresh. You're relieved to change out of your clothes, a moment longer or you'd have caught a cold. As you wring the water out of your hair over the sink, you notice to your side: a cup, with two toothbrushes. One yellow, another green.

"Holy shit," You mumble, stunned. The green toothbrush is all too familiar-- its yours. From when you slept over. In the tenth grade. "Ew," You laugh to yourself, wondering how long it sat here.

Discarding your wet clothes in a plastic bag he'd given you, you walk out of the bathroom, still holding and scrutinizing the toothbrush.

"You do realize you have, like, a two year-old toothbrush in the same cup as your own, right?" You say as you slowly approach Jaemin, who cooks in the kitchen. He freezes, slowly turning to you.

"I'm not a creep, I swear."

"No, you're just a nostalgist."

"That I am." He laughs, taking the toothbrush from your grasp. "Guess I just really enjoyed that sleepover."

There's a solemn look on his face. "Look, I want to apologize to you. I had no right to treat you like I did. And I can't just show back up into your life like this-- without an apology."

"Na, you don't need to apologize."

"Stop calling me that." Jaemin sighs, exasperated. You notice his fist clenching, confused at the sudden damp in his mood. "What? Calling you what?"

"Na. Just call me Jaemin, like everyone. Or- Jaem. Like you. Like you used to. I hate thinking about the fact that I'd pushed you so far away to the point you can't even say my name like you used to. I never meant to. I was- I'm just so-"

He stops himself, unwilling to continue.

"Jaemin," You say. "Your-"

"I swear to god if you're going to blame and put yourself down like you always do, I'm going to rip my hair out. I hurt you. To the point where I can't possibly fix it."

"Jaem-"

"It can't be mended and it can't go back to the way it was. I'm always running my mouth before I think and it's going to be the death of me-- but please let me make it up to you before that happens."

"Jaemin. Dude." You land a firm smack on his shoulder. He feigns a wince, holding his arm. "What the hell was that for? I' trying to apologize to you."

You can't help but chuckle, pointing to the stove behind him, "Try not to burn your food first." Jaemin lets out a string of profanities, turning the stove off in a hurry.

"That... was supposed to be our dinner."

"I don't mind instant ramen," You say, opening the cabinet. You're surprised you still remember where he'd kept his ramen packs. "I'm sorry," Grumbles Jaemin, chucking the charred food into the trash.

"It's fine, I haven't treated myself to ramen in a while."

"No, I mean. For letting my mouth run. Again." The boy rubs his brow, still holding your toothbrush. He takes a glance at it, "It really can't go back to the way it was, can it? As much as some things stay the same, time can't."

You sigh as you rip open a packet, "No. But things can be mended. You just need strength." You pause and turn around, pinching the end of his nose, "And control over your own mouth."

Jaemin laughs, swatting your hand away. He watches with fond eyes as you prepare two packets of ramen for the both of you, content with the sight of you in his clothes.

"Actually, honestly speaking, I..." He coughs a little before continuing. "I used to like you."

"What?" You ask in a laugh.

"Yeah, ninth grade. And tenth." Jaemin shifts in his position, planting his hands against the kitchen's cold granite counter. "...and eleventh."

You give him a look, expecting him to stop. He shrugs at the look you give him, "And maybe, in the slightest, smallest chance, now."

"Na Jaemin likes me?" You repeat, incredulous. "I'm flattered, but, I never saw this coming."

"You didn't? I thought it was pretty obvious,"

"No, I guess you rejecting me in front of half of the school's student body gave me the vibes that, you didn't like me." You say, not showing the slightest bit of bitterness in your voice. Jaemin rubs his face, wearing a frown, "I'm really sorry about that."

"Dude, it was tenth grade. It doesn't matter now, does it?" You reply nonchalantly, mixing your ramen in its seasoning. Clapping your hands against your lap, you declare the food is done and hand Jaemin a pair of chopsticks that you'd taken from the drawer.

"No, it doesn't, I guess." He hums, taking the offered chopsticks. "I don't suppose it's too late to ask you out? On a date?"

You almost laugh at how nervous he sounds. The Na Jaemin is fidgety and bashful? You need to savor this.

"No, it's not too late," You mention, eating on a mouthful or ramen right after. Jaemin beams, bumping his hip to yours as he shoves the ramen you'd made into his own mouth.

Despite what he said, Jaemin believes things can still be mended, no matter how bad he'd caused damage. Maybe they can even go back to how it used to be-- but he doesn't want that. He wants more, with you.

©hirokari, 2023.

[sunflowerhae]

POLL TIME POLL TIME PLS ANSWER‼️

I really like making SMAU’s - I want to do another after good game, but like I have a lot of ideas and idk what yet so I need help picking tyewww

1) Spider-Man!mark x college paper journalist who wants to prove themself to the team in order to get the job of Editor in chief and needs to go all out like exposing Spider-Man all out!y/n (I know this version of fanfic Is a very over saturated industry but that’s because spiderman mark just HITS yall)

2) Jaemin needs a job and BAD - good thing his best friend Jeno has an open position at the thrift store he works at! Jaemin flies by the interview and onboarding process and before he knows it a week goes by and he loves it! The only thing he doesn’t love? Manger!y/n who seemingly has a STICK UP THEIR ASS.

ALSO , I’m thinking of making them both plus size 🥲 we’ll see!! I love both these stories so I really can’t choose so I’m gna make YALL choose thanks <3

[toothfa-1-ry]

NCT DREAM AS ODDLY SPECIFIC (ISH) TROPES/AUS EXCEPT ITS ALL ANGSTY (OT7)

WARNINGS: Mentions of death, cheating(?) in Haechan's part, reader wears dresses, reader is mentioned as prom Queen I'm Haechan's part), mentions of God in Jisung's part

GENRE: Angst, gn reader

A/N: I'm sorry for being so inactive and not posting so much (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ also I'm still new to writing for Chenle and Jisung so it might not be accurate??

Also please reblog or comment something if you enjoyed!!

✧\(> ⋋✿ • ° • ✿⋌ <)ﾉ✧

"you were my first love, I wish you were my last too" - Mark Lee

First love, idol au, idol x non idol

Mark Lee was the first boy you ever loved. The first boy you fell inlove with, the first person who you could see a future with. He was who you wished to have a future with. He was going to be the one, he will be the one.

That's what you always told yourself, that if he loved you and you loved him it was enough, all the things you wanted didn't matter if the both of you were together. Maybe if you had continued telling that to yourself things would have worked out.

Now, you stare at him through the TV screen remembering the time once when you could look at him up close. You watch him sing and dance and do all the things he loved. All the things he couldn't do with you but now that you were gone from his life he could do it all, he could live his life, he could actually be happy.

You watched all his live concerts hoping for him to catch you in the crowds atleast once, one small glance, one small glimpse of resemblance but this wasn't a movie where the girl gets the guy she always wanted, this wasn't a fairy tale dream you would get to live. He never saw you ever once, he never saw you no matter how many concerts you would go, or maybe he didn't want to see you, maybe he did glance over your face, maybe he did catch a glimpse. But that's all he did, that's all it was. A glimpse.

They say that first love's never last but you and Mark promised to be there together till the end "forever and always y/n. I'll always love you. Until forever ends, I promise" you remember smiling upon those words but now those words brought nothing but pain to your heart because Mark was your first love and that's what he'll always be, what he'll only be. Because first love's never last, and you and Mark weren't an exception.

"You exist now, only in my memories, forever in my memories." - Huang Renjun

Love at first sight, painter au, painter x muse

Renjun remembers the day he met you clearly. Even though it's just bits, there are some parts that he remembers clearly. He remembers the rain, he remembers the wet road and he remembers you stepping into the rain like a painting, your hair down, your red dress getting all wet, but it was your eyes that Renjun remembers the most clearly. Those star like eyes that made Renjun fall inlove with you that moment, those eyes which saw all parts of Renjun that no one had, those eyes which Renjun had painted so many times. He remembers wishing to never forget them, those eyes, that face.

But now, in the middle of the night, when he's all alone, when he can't sleep. He wishes to forget those eyes, he wishes to forget that face of yours. He wished he could forget the way you looked at him that day with fear all over your eyes. Renjun remembers the day he lost you. He remembers the rain, the wet road where you were standing in the middle, getting all wet but he remembers your eyes the most. The way it widened when the car came out of no where, the way you couldn't even scream for help, the way you looked so helpless.

But most of all he remembered himself, standing on the other side of the road all frozen, he remembers himself not even being able to breath or walk a inch towards your unmoving body which bled in the middle of the road. He remembers the way his heart cracked, the way it cracked and shattered into a million pieces unable to be fixed again.

He remembers the day he got you and the day he lost you. And he wishes he could forget them both.

"your always ones arms reach away from me yet I want your touch even more relentlessly" - Lee Jeno

Forbidden love, royalty au, knight x princess

Knight Jeno stares at you in a way which couldnt be explained. He looks at you in such a melancholy way yet there was shock painted in those sad eyes. He stares at you as you lock eyes with your husband, the future king of the neighbouring kingdom. The smile you give your husband being reminiscent to the smile you always gave Jeno but it didn't quite reaching your eyes. Your heart quite not beating for your now husband the way it beat for Jeno.

Jeno stands along with the screaming crowd as your carriage slows down for the new couple to greet the excited crowd. The crowd screams as the carriage stops, children, women and men all throwing flower petals and congratulating the couple as Jeno's stomach tightened and breath shortened. The white bouquet of roses in his hand being mushed by the grasp of his hands.

You both make eye contact for a second or two but it was all Jeno needed to know that you did remember what happened yesterday night and all the nights before. That you remembered the stolen kisses, the lingering touches. That you remembered him begging you to stay with him, to run away with him and you saying sorry again and again. You look away first and quickly but Jeno's gaze just remains at you unmoving.

He slowly walks up towards the carriage, raises his arms and throws the half dead roses at you which you catch and cradle in your arms as if it was gold. The both of you share one last look that day just like all the last kisses and touches the both of you once had shared. One last look was all Jeno needed to know that you did love him and that your heart belonged to him only but it was also all Jeno needed to know that you'll never belong with him, that your one arms reach away from him, always away from his reach and that there was nothing he could ever do to change that.

"I'm still waiting for our last dance" -Lee Haechan

Prom nigh au, lovers to exes

Being prom Queen would have been rather fun if Haechan was prom king, instead your stuck with his friend Na Jaemin who was next with you, holding your hands as the both of you glide across the cleaned gym floor which was now adorned with blue spotlights on the both of you.

The metallic crown covered in plastic gems and beads placed in your perfectly done hair and your dress twirling as Jaemin spun you around, the same dress you and Haechan picked together months before preparations for prom even began, months before the both of you broke up.

You couldn't help but wonder if Haechan would realise that it was the dress he picked, or if he'd realise that the hairstyle you wore tonight was the hairstyle he always complimented, or if he would even be looking at you slow dance with Jaemin. But you hoped that atleast he would know that a small part of you still remained with him, that a small part of you still yearned for him even after all the fights, bitter words and after the breakup. Your eyes scan the crowd searching for Haechan, every movement you took was just a chance to take a glimpse at the crowd to see where Haechan was. You finally see him, behind crowds and crowds of people but he easily stands out, his eyes being the same soft brown eyes you adored.

Your eyes meet Haechan's soft combed hair, his body adorning a neatly ironed tux, the same one you picked out months before the prom, before the breakup. The same tux you chose for him with the small rose print in the left breast pocket. A part of you wonders if Haechan feels the same way you do, if he thinks about you at night, if he wishes to change things, if he still loves you after the breakup. You heart however is torn into pieces as you watch Haechan bend down to kiss another girl, holding her hand tightly into his, his sole attention placed only on her.

For the last time you wonder if he remembers the last dance he promised you on prom night, probably not, probably for the best.

"my mind might forget your face, my skin might forget your touch, but my heart would never forget the way you made it feel" -Na Jaemin

Lovers to strangers, amnesia au

Jaemin looks at you from a distance, the empty feeling inside of him growing even more as the seconds go on. He looks at you as you hold hands with you parents, smiling, laughing. Your parents never liked Jaemin, they never liked the idea of the both of you together.

Jaemin remembers the first time he met you in the hospital, the way you refused to look him in the eye, the way you refused to acknowledge his presence. He remembers the way you apolagised for not remembering him, your heart no longer beating for his. Not anymore, not even recognising it.

Jaemin looks at the way your eyes shine now, as your mouth curves up into a smile, so radiant, so beautiful. It reminded Jaemin of the ways he used to make you smile, the sweet laughter of yours which played after all his corny jokes. All now which you had forgotten. Your eyes which always crinkled and brightened whenever you saw Jaemin now looked at him only in confusion, your sweet soft lips which used to kiss him in the death of night now no longer recognised his pink lips. Your heart which once danced along to the beat of Jaemin's heart could now no longer find the rythm which you both shared. All the golden memories now turned into dust as you fail to recognise the face that you so loved, as you fail to recognise the heart which you so loved.

You looked so happy even without the memories of Jaemin, without all the memories you spend with Jaemin, who was Jaemin to take away your happiness? If after all your happiness was all Jaemin lived for, all Jaemin was willing to live for even if it meant that he'll have to let you go.

Even if it meant that he'll have to let go the person he loved, the only person he'd ever love even though you don't even remember him.

"a plane ticket away from you but my heart will always have you as it's destination" - Zhong Chenle

Rich boy x poor girl, difference in social status,

Staring at the plane ticket in your hands, you wonder if things were really going to end this way, if it really was going to be as easy as this. Your fingers glide on the piece of paper bought by Chenle's mother, the smooth piece of paper which was going to divide you and Chenle for good. That piece of paper which was going to separate you and Chenle countries apart. You couldn't help but wonder if it was really all going to be worth it.

You look outside the small airplane window as you hear a femal voice speak, a small teardrop rolling down your tears as you clasp the plane ticket in your hand, slightly tearing it.

You had no choice but to leave, you had to leave. Not only for your sake or your families sake but for Chenle's sake, for the boy you loved. After all the boy you loved was the heir to the Zhong company and you were a just a simple girl whose family was struggling to find a ends meet. Things would have never worked out anyway. You were stupid for thinking that things could have worked out, it was all just a silly Teenage dream like how Chenle's mother had phrased it.

You think about Chenle, he's all you can think about in this moment. You think about whether he'll be hurt, whether he'll understand why you left, whether he'll understand why you took the money. A part of you hopes that he will, that he'll search for you and forgive you but a part of you also hopes to never see him again, that he'll get angry at you, curse your name. That he'll never forgive you for the horrible thing your doing and that he'll forget your existance. You'd rather have him angry at you then ruin his future, his life by involving you in it. You loved him too much to let him to that to himself.

The airplane gets ready to take off, you squirm slightly in your seat as you wipe away your tears. You close the window, your afraid that if you don't you'll just end up crying even more so you close your eyes shut not seeing the figure of a boy running towards the airplane. You don't hear the boys loud screams and shouting of your name, you don't hear him begging you to stay. You don't hear his cries as the airplane finally takes off and as his bodyguards are holding him back.

You don't hear his heart breaking because you were to busy hearing yours break.

"to all the sweet laughter under the sun we shared without worry of the days to come" -Park Jisung

Terminal illness au, highschool au,

Jisung holds your hand tightly, his warm healthy hand contrasting from your cold frail ones. His soft eyes look at your cold tired ones as he watches you shoot a tired smile at him. Jisung forces a smile back, trying to fight the ever-growing lump in his throat, the water in his eyes pooling whenever he sees you lying down in your bed. Jisung fights back the horrible thoughts in his heads, the words he heard the doctor say to your parents a few minutes ago ringing again and again in his head

Your the strongest person Jisung knew, the most stubborn. He knew that you were going to be okay, that your going to be fine. He knew that your going to stay in the hospital only for a few more days before you fully recover and the both of you can go back to complaining about algebra class and making fun of Mark. He knew that the tubes sticking out of your body, the injections you take everyday was just going to be a phase. That you'll be able to go outside and walk around freely without being stuck in a wheelchair. Jisung believed in miracles, he believed in you after all you were a angel in disguise for Jisung. You were his blessing

But angels come from heaven, you belong to heaven too. Jisung watches as you close your eyes his heart hammering, he watches as you breath slows down, as your grip becomes weaker. Jisung's eyes widen, his body begins panicking as your machine begins beeping, he screams for help.

He prays and prays, it's too short he says. Your time in earth is too short, your time with him is far too short. You can't leave him yet your both only kids, you both have the rest of your lives to live. You still have a life to live with Jisung. You still have to keep your promise to Jisung, to build a house together, own a pet cat. He continues praying as the doctors take you away for a emergency surgery, using up all his breath, his words. Begging that of there really was a god out there, to save you. To save the person he loved, to perform a miracle.

But if there really was a god out there, a creator of life and the bringer of death. They must have been cruel to Jisung because now your heart which once beat, your heart which Jisung adored now remained cold and unmoving. The minute your heart stopped was when Jisung's heart also froze. After all he lost his miracle, his only blessing.

He lost you, his highschool love and only love

[sourrpatched]

pairing; n. jm x reader

warnings; heavy angst, implied main character death

word count; 451

a/n; this is only a drabble to cope with the pms depression episode i have, sorry it’s not cute and fluffy like my other stuff but if u want comedic stuff i rec my other work like love bites (this is nini payola) oh and lastly, a wheel of names chose who this fic was about so if u hate it take that with the wheel

Never had you ever guessed you’d fall out of love with the man you married but here you were. It was slow and steady. If you hadn’t gotten up this morning you probably would’ve never even noticed it in the first place.

You’d woke up at eight am as per your usual schedule. The house was empty as it’d been the past months, your husband was out every morning and night. You sat alone in bed waiting for him the first few weeks, quickly growing out of patience and deciding to sleep on your own.

There were times earlier on that you’d feel the warmth of his body around you as you slept, waking to nothingness as if it were all a dream. It had been something you’d grown accustomed to as well as the quietness that filled the entire house.

You’d make yourself a breakfast since he’d stopped waking you up to any months ago. Then lay about in your home, cleaning up the place before having to make lunch.

Lunch, you remember the times he would clock out of work to spend his lunch with you. You’d pay him back for the breakfast by making him a meal. He would thank you always, the gesture was small but now that it was gone it was one of the things you missed most.

As time went by, you’d found yourself hardly able to eat lunch. Maybe dinner would fill the void. You remember counting the time down until eight pm. He would always walk through the doors perfectly on time, he hadn’t done that for a while.

The clock struck nine, and the leftovers you had were left on the countertop, cold. You thought it wouldn’t be any use to serve a plate that would never be eaten. It was bed time, and for the first time in a long time you thought it might be easier to get through the night.

You always dreamt of him. His face, his voice, his touch, and his smell. It was almost as if he were there which is why it was always so hard to want to wake up. You used to wake in tears every night. The memory of the man you used to love was enough to keep you awake knowing he wasn’t going to show up tonight, or tomorrow, or even any other night.

You had never thought you’d fall out of love with the love of your life, and when the world tests you by having the heavens take him early leaving you with nothing but the memory of him, you realize only then that you were right.

There could never be any other man than Na Jaemin.

[forsungie]

GETAWAY CAR

pairings. park jisung x female reader x ex-boyfriend jaemin

genre. mature content, angst | requested!

content. fast paced, implied cheating (sa exam!), best friend haechan, very short car sex part

playlist. migraine by moonstar88, kisapmata by rivermaya, beer by itchyworms, hayaan by cup of joe, rebound by silent sanctuary, getaway car by taylor swift, sana by i belong to the zoo

author’s note. not proofread, pag pasensyahan niyo na if may typos and grammatical errors dahil tinamad na ko :') enjoy reading and feel free to send me feedbacks! 🩷

“badtrip, monday na monday nagpasurprise long quiz prof namin,” rant sayo ni haechan habang kumakain ng inorder nitong tapsilog.

nasa katabing cafeteria ng campus niyo kayo ngayon ng kaibigan mo dahil kakatapos lang ng klase mo at sakto namang nag aya si haechan kumain sa labas ng campus dahil free cut naman daw niya. ayaw daw niyang kumain sa canteen ng university niyo dahil bukod sa hindi na masarap ay mahal pa. wala ka ng next class, pero napag usapan niyo ni jisung na kakain kayo sa labas bilang bayad niya sayo sa pagtulong mo sa kaniya mag review last week kaya hindi ka pa umuuwi.

“hulaan mo kung nakailan ako,” natatawa pa nitong sabi sayo.

“half?” hula mo naman.

umiling si haechan, “twenty two over fifty.”

“gago kasi ni jeno, nag usap kaming mag kokopyahan kami tapos nung magsasagot na tinakpan papel niya, tarantado,” dagdag nito, napapailing pa.

“speaking of the devil, ayan oh,” turo mo sa parating na si jeno.

tumayo naman si haechan para hampasin ito, “pakyu, boi, taksil ka.”

“nakailan ka, jen?” baling mo sa isa.

“thirty nine over fifty,” nakangisi nitong sagot sayo, “nakikinig kasi ako, hindi kagaya ng iba dyan,” parinig nito kay haechan.

“madapa ka sana,” bulong ni haechan.

“uy, gago, nakalimutan ko tuloy yung sasabihin ko,” kalabit nito kay haechan, “nagpunta ko dito para sunduin ka, nasa room na si sir!”

“akala ko ba free cut?!”

“hindi daw! tara na,” hinila ni jeno si haechan palabas ng cafeteria, “una na kami, y/n!”

napailing ka na lang sa kagaguhan ng dalawa at saka akmang aalis na rin sana ng cafeteria nang tumunog ang cellphone mo. it was jisung who texted, tinatanong kung tapos na ang klase mo. imbis na mag reply ay pinindot mo na lang ang call button.

“hi,” halata sa tono ng boses ng binata na nakangiti ito sa likod ng telepono.

“nandito ako sa cafeteria sa tabi ng campus, kakatapos lang ng class ko, sinamahan ko lang si hyuck kumain,” sagot mo.

“patapos na rin klase ko,” aniya, “nag paalam lang ako mag cr saglit para masagot tawag mo.”

natawa ka naman, “sorry, akala ko tapos na klase mo. sige na, bumalik ka na muna, itext mo na lang ako pagkatapos, intayin kita.”

mukhang pinaglalaruan ka ng tadhana dahil nang palabas ka na ng cafeteria ay nakasalubong mo si jaemin kasama ang mga kaibigan niyang sila yangyang. nag dalawang isip ka pa nung una kung babatiin mo ang mga ito, pero naunahan ka ni yangyang, “y/n! bakit mag isa ka? nasaan sila hyuck?” tanong nito at saka ka niyakap.

“kakaalis lang, sinundo ni jen— bigla daw dumating prof nila,” sagot mo.

tipid na ngiti at tango lamang ang ibinigay sayo ni jaemin, mukhang na a-awkwardan rin sa sitwasyon, though madalas naman kayong magkita around the campus ay awkward at mahirap pa rin para sayo. mahirap naman kasi talagang mag kunwari na parang wala lang nangyari sainyong dalawa dahil ilang taon rin yon. mahirap kalimutan yon nang ganun-ganun lang.

bigla kang nanghina pagkatapos ng interaction na yon, sa tuwing makikita mo siya pakiramdam mo bumagsak ang langit at lupa sayo. imbis na bumalik sa campus para intayin si jisung ay napag desisyunan mong umuwi na lang. you feel like crying and so you did.

“it’s okay to cry, angel, crying doesn’t mean you’re weak,” palaging paalala sayo ni jaemin noon.

naalala mo pa ay sinabi niya sayo iyon noong namatay ang alaga mong aso na siya ang nagbigay. sobrang lungkot mo that time kaya niyakap ka niya, at doon pa lang tumulo ang mga luha mong kanina mo pa pinipigilan.

“i will cry with you.”

but not anymore.

after hours of crying in your room, saka mo lang naalala si jisung. nawala na sa isip mong kailangan mo siyang imessage para sabihing nauna ka nang umuwi at mag sorry.

ji, sorry umuwi na ko, bigla kasing sumama pakiramdam ko :(

sent at 6:02pm

it took three minutes for jisung before texting back.

no, it’s okay, kumusta na pakiramdam mo? uminom ka na ba ng gamot? dalhan ba kita? you should’ve told me na masama pakiramdam mo para hindi na kita pinag intay

you’re very glad to have someone like jisung that’s why you treasure him so much. sobrang swerte mo magkaroon ng kaibigang kagaya niya sa tabi mo every time na kailangan mo siya and you’re very aware of that. hinding hindi mo gugustuhing mawala siya sayo.

i’m good na! i took a nap as soon as i got home, so medyo okay na rin ako. thank you, ji! bawi ako sayo :')

sent at 6:08pm

days has passed quickly. december na at isang linggo na lang ay christmas eve na. you and your friends decided to go to tagaytay for a three day vacation bago mag pasko since you and your friends will be spending christmas with your family and relatives.

sa kabilang banda, napag desisyunan na ni jisung na umamin sayo sa huling araw ng bakasyon niyo sa tagaytay. it took him years bago nabuo ang desisyon niya and this time he’s very sure of it. he’s willing to take the risk if it’s you.

you have no idea na alam ng mga kaibigan mo na gusto ka ni jisung, not until the confession happened. to be honest, you didn’t know what to feel. you’re happy to know that he likes you, but half of you knows na hindi ka pa fully moved on from jaemin. and haechan knows it, he’s your best friend after all.

“please lang, y/n... matalino ka, gamitin mo ang utak mo,” haechan was very frustrated because of the news, “masasaktan mo lang si jisung, magkakasakitan lang kayong dalawa,” napahilamos na lang ito ng mukha sa stress.

after months of you and jisung’s set up, naisipan mo nang ikwento ito kay haechan. nalaman nito na may nangyayari sa inyong dalawa ni jisung as friends kahit alam ni jisung na hindi ka pa nakakamove on ay pumayag ito sa set up. well... you both enjoyed each other’s company.

“haah... malapit na ko, ji...” ungol mo habang hingal na hingal sa pagbaba at taas sa ibabaw ni jisung.

nasa kotse kayo ni jisung ngayon, ihahatid ka lang sana niya pauwi sa inyo galing sa campus. hindi mo rin alam kung paano kayo nauwi sa ganitong sitwasyon. one second, you were sitting on the passenger seat and the next, you were bouncing on top of him.

“fuck, you feel so good, angel... so tight around me...” he groaned while holding your hip to help you bounce on his cock.

“matulog ka na muna at pag isipan mo yung mga sinabi ko sayo,” paalam sayo ni haechan.

you did. pinag isipan mo ang mga payo sayo ni haechan. ang totoo niyan ay alam mo naman sa sarili mong mali ang ginagawa mo, pero hindi mo alam ang gagawin. siguro nga ay dahil sa ginawa mo ng distraction si jisung para lang masabing nakamove on ka na kay jaemin.

sa dalawang linggong nakalipas ay hindi mo nireplyan ang mga messages sayo ni jisung. hindi mo alam ang gagawin kaya naisipan mong mas mabuti kung iwasan mo na lang muna si jisung habang nag iisip ka. today is jisung’s birthday at ni-bati sa text o call ay hindi mo ginawa. in fact, may birthday party na magaganap si jisung ngayong gabi at pilit kang inaaya nila jeno na pumunta.

nang dumalaw ang hating gabi ay may nangyaring hindi mo inaasahan. kumakatok lang naman si jaemin sa bahay niyo, at lasing na lasing. tawag ito nang tawag sa pangalan mo kaya ginising ka ng mama mo para pagbuksan ng pinto ang binata.

“j-jaemin... anong ginagawa mo dito?” gulat na tanong mo sa binata.

“y/n... miss na miss na kita... alam mo ba yon?” jaemin murmured, lasing na lasing na ito at hindi na makatayo nang diretso kaya inalalayan mo.

nangilid ang mga luha sa mata mo nang marinig ang mga salitang iyon galing sa bibig ni jaemin, “lasing ka lang, umuwi ka na sa inyo, jaemin.”

mapait na tumawa si jaemin, “jaemin? you used to call me ‘love’...” he whispered.

tumango ka, “yes, used to...” you whispered back.

kahinaan mo si jaemin at alam mo yon. simula nang maghiwalay kayo marinig mo lang ang ngalan niya nanghihina ka na. pakiramdam mo tuwing mababanggit si jaemin naririnig mong nababasag ang puso mo.

“hindi ako makatulog nang hindi ka iniisip... naaalala kita sa lahat ng bagay...” panimula nito, “sorry kung... sorry kung sumuko ako, nasaktan lang rin naman ako. nagkakasakitan lang tayo.”

“you were the best thing that ever happened to me and i hope you know that. alam kong wala na tayong pagasa... alam kong hindi na natin kayang buuin pa nang paulit ulit ang matagal nang nasira. sinubukan naman natin,” dagdag nito habang pilit pinipigilang umiyak sa harap ng dalaga, “nandito ako dahil gusto ko lang na marinig mula sayo. para rin makausad na tayo peraho kahit paano. kasi hindi ko kayang nakikita na nahihirapan ka nang dahil sa akin...”

nakayuko ka lang at patuloy sa paghikbi habang pinakikinggan si jaemin.

muli kang tumango, “tama na, jaemin.”

mas lalo lamang lumakas ang hikbi mo nang sabihin mo ang mga salitang yon. biglang nag flashback sa utak mo yung limang taon na kasama mo siya.

“pwede ba kitang yakapin? kahit sa huling pagkakataon.” tanong ng binata.

imbis na sumagot ay tumakbo ka palapit kay jaemin at saka ito niyakap nang mahigpit. agad ka namang niyakap pabalik ni jaemin. mas lalo kang nanghina nang marinig itong umiyak sa balikat mo. naging triple ang sakit na nararamdaman mo... dahil ang unang beses na umiyak si jaemin sayo ay noong sinagot mo siya. ibang iba ang dahilan ng pagtangis niya ngayon. damang dama mo ang sakit sa hikbi ng binata.

habang si jisung, ibang ideya ang nakuha. nakaupo ito sa loob ng sasakyan niya sa malayo habang pinapanood kayong dalawa. simula pa lang naman ng laban alam na ni jisung na si jaemin pa rin.

dahil si jaemin naman talaga. it was him even from the very start at wala siyang laban.

habang pinapanood kayo ni jisung, ang hindi niya alam ay may nanonood rin sa kaniyang umiyak.

haechan is crying with him.

click here for bonus part!

[kireijae]

n.jm 23:25

summary: in which you're literally me and this is how i feel but i write a fanfic so jaemin can fix it:)

genre: angst, fluff, f2l, happy ending

a/n: hello surprise!!!! i JUST wrote this in like 30 minutes so please be kind! it was very healing i think mkay bye let me know if you enjoyed it!

—

jaemin was taken out of his scheduled (midnight) daydreaming by the chime of his phone. normally he wouldn't bother to answer, or even check the notification, but he glanced over.

he saw your name and unlocked his phone immediately.

jaemin enjoyed the fact that he knew you so well. he knew how you texted and what it meant. he knew your favourite restaurants and your favourite orders at each of them. he knew you better than you knew yourself. he knew you the way you knew him.

and so, he knew you'd been taking strain with your flatmate getting a boyfriend. it was a strange, new feeling to you. you were so happy for her. jimin deserved the world and had finally, finally found someone willing to give it to her. but, when would it be your turn? you'd longed for love for so long. you'd worked on yourself and felt truly ready for a partner to share your life with.

jaemin was not, in fact, out the door. not yet, anyway. he tugged on his shoes and a hoodie first– and grabbed one for you. he didn't like you driving when you were sad. you listened to sad songs and cried while driving, not the best for the whole being-able-to-see part of driving.

your apartment was only 10 minutes from jaemin's and those 10 minutes were spent on the phone with you.

"should i gather snacks?"

"yes. duh? of course, it's us," he answered, eyes locked on the road.

"oh my– we have ben and jerry's!" you squealed, and he could hear your little happy jumps.

jaemin smiled, "what flavour?"

"cookie dough!"

"fuck yes," he cheered.

"oh yeah, do you guys ha–"

"do you need coffee–"

said at the same time.

"that's what i was going to ask for," jaemin said, elated at your likemindedness.

"i know you," you beamed, and he could hear a smug tone in your voice.

you'd long ago accepted your connection with jaemin as fact. something not to be questioned or even surprised at anymore. your friendship ran deep, it was to be expected really.

but, selfishly, jaemin wanted more. he wanted to give you everything you wanted. he wanted to hold you in sorrow and in pleasure. he wanted to tease you like he does now, but be able to make up for it with a kiss and an 'i love you' that means something different than it does now. but he never said anything. he didn't want you to lose your closest companion.he didn't want to be that guy. you would never see him the same, he would never again be the person you needed.

"i'm outside."

"okay, on my way down."

you came out of the building soon enough, an overnight bag over your shoulder. and a shirt nowhere near adequate enough for the cold outside. jaemin scoffed and grabbed the spare hoodie. he jogged over to meet you at the door, taking your bag and plopping the hoodie over your form simply. he left the sleeves at your sides, leaving you in the fabric with your arms at your sides.

you pulled a face at his quick work, but shoved your arms into the sleeves anyway.

"i know you," he quoted cheekily and walked over to his car.

you childishly blew a raspberry at him, standing like a child in oversized hand-me-down clothes.

you got in the passenger seat and he drove you back to his place. you were crying by the end of the trip, taylor swift once again being the artist you chose to play in the car drive over.

you were laughing now though, with tear stained cheeks standing in the entryway to jaemin's apartment.

"this is ridiculous," you announced through your giggles.

"what is?" he asked, leading you to his room and putting your bag down on a chair.

"me. this situation," you said, "i just made myself cry to songs i can't even relate to. i'm a mess."

"a wonderful mess," jaemin corrects quickly.

"but a mess nonetheless," you countered.

"you need to stop listening to taylor swift," he said, "you're rhyming."

"you're right," you chuckle, settling onto the bed where jaemin had just situated himself. "i'm just so lonely."

jaemin could feel your need to talk, so he waited.

"do you think i deserve love?" you asked, eyes shining still.

he was baffled, "of course you do."

"i mean– do you think i might just be one of those people who never find a partner but are still happy and content with life alone?" you asked, "because i'm waiting for either of those scenarios but neither has happened and i'm starting to think neither will."

"i think the right person is out there," he said, he would tell you to wait, be patient, but he knows it won't help. especially when he knew he could end your wondering and pain right then, if you felt the same.

"i hope so," you wiped a stray tear from your cheek.

"you'll find your soulmate," he added, putting his arm around you, "you still believe in those, right?" he recalled a conversation over the phone about how your belief in the theory was dwindling.

"i do," you said, leaning into his chest, "i decided i have to or i'll go crazy. but, i'll stop believing if you don't find your soulmate."

he frowned and shook his head lightly in surprise. "what? why?"

"you're too great to not have someone out there waiting for you," you said simply, eyes wondering around the room you've been in hundreds of times.

jaemin felt his soul ache a bit more at that. the fact that you had no clue how close you were to someone who would give you anything you asked for at the drop of a hat. "i think someone's out there dying to love you the way you need."

you huffed, "and i'm dying to find them."

the boy's heart started beating faster than ever. he had the courage– or the momentary lapse in judgement– to do it.

"y/n," his voice didn't waver the way he thought it would.

"hmm?" you craned your neck to look up at him for the first time that night.

"i've been dying to do something for a while now," he confessed.

"what is it?" your face flickered with what in hindsight can be recognised as hope.

"can i kiss you?"

tears fell again, "please."

[brightestmark]

Re reading this because I need to feel something and this always makes my heart ache and cry

she gets the flowers | na jaemin

title: she gets the flowers

pairing: na jaemin x fem!oc/reader

genre: song-fic, childhood friends to fwb to lovers to exes, fluff, smut/suggestive, angst | requested and inspired by she gets the flowers by beth mccarthy

summary: the person you shared every moment of your life with could never betray you, right? That was what she thought before Jaemin proved that he could turn from her soulmate to the biggest source of her pain.

warnings: mentioned drinking and smoking underage, smut, mostly suggestive, oral sex (f receiving, a bit more explicit), angst, no cheating but still feelings of betrayal, attempted suicide (not really, but just in case)

words: 6.855k

a/n: first of all, i'm incredibly sorry this took so long but i was going crazy trying to come up with a plot because the song led me to a plot similar to traitor so that's why it took so long. But I'm happy with the result and i hope you'll like it too. warning: probably it's even sadder than my other angst fics so prepare the tissues, i guess???

There’s something beautiful in growing up together and sharing every day of your life with somebody. It’s a type of bond that nothing in the world can replicate.

That was her relationship with Jaemin. She and Jaemin had shared their entire life together. It wasn’t like they had a choice when their mothers that were best friends for ages, casually ended up pregnant at the same time and gave birth to them only two days apart. Being raised side by side even if they weren’t related was something they couldn’t escape. And without realizing it, they became such a big part of each other’s life that living without each other was hard. 

They did everything together. All the dumb things you have to do at least once in your life. All their first times. All their heartbreaks, and joys. There wasn’t a single moment they didn’t share. 

Despite this, they were different. Jaemin wasn’t exactly a bad boy, not like the bullies type, at least, but he was the most reckless of the two. Always getting her in trouble, while she tried hard to still be the good girl she always was. 

“Jaemin, this is dumb,” she said, trying to stop him from climbing the roof of the store. That was the first time he took her there, only seventeen, the perfect age to try dumb things they couldn’t do. 

“Is it?” He asked, his hand reaching for hers to help her get up. 

She sighed before briefly looking around, making sure that nobody could see them and then followed him. 

“You’re so damn hard to convince sometimes,” he whispered, lips puffing out as he let out the smoke of the cigarette he had stolen from his dad’s jacket, head inclined enough so he could look at her. The chill breeze of October blowing on them. 

“And you’re reckless,” she huffed, resting her head on her knees, looking in front of her, they could see a small part of the neighborhood from there, and maybe it was worth the risk. 

“Here,” he said, handing her a bottle of soju and she pushed his hand away. “Oh, come on, that’s not dumb.” 

“You know I get drunk too easily, I will kill myself trying to climb down again.” 

Jaemin chuckled, shaking his head, before turning off the cigarette and drinking the alcohol instead. 

“The things I do for you,” he joked when he was done, moving closer to her, wrapping a hand around her shoulders. Her head leaned in immediately, cheeks brushing against the blue jacket he was wearing. 

“That’s because you love me.” 

“Yeah, I do,” he replied, leaving a peck on her forehead. 

And that was so normal for them that they never truly weighted the words they said to each other. The ‘I love yous’ didn’t mean anything, just like it didn’t mean how they always held each other’s hands when they walked side by side, and always called each other for help. 

It was normal, from the crib to when they went to high school and still looked at each other with the same old eyes. It was fine because they both had their own adventures, and they didn’t need each other for that.  

Until something wasn’t enough anymore. Until they started to realize they couldn’t find each other in other people. That their beds were always going to be cold if at their side it wasn’t them. 

They had no idea how their first kiss happened, or what exactly lead them there. After a long day at Uni, once again on that rooftop with the breeze freezing them. Hesitant lips getting closer, and shy eyes looking into each other, silently asking each other if it was worth it. 

When their lips touched their questions were answered. It was. It was worth putting on a line all their years of friendships. 

But they had the bad habit of never calling things with a name. That was their relationship since they were kids. It worked without trying. 

But they seemed to forget they weren’t five or ten anymore. They were grown-ups. They should’ve talked, should’ve put a name on it, and set some rules. Anything to don’t end up in ashes. 

But they didn’t and that kiss was followed by another. This time not so shy or full of fear. Their hands moved freely on their bodies, touching each other in ways they never imagined before. But once again it stopped there, as much as they were pulled by this force, the fear of taking a treacherous path was high. 

Until things took a different turn again. 

“Wasn’t expecting you here,” Jaemin said, opening the door of the apartment he shared with his friends. 

“I’m so tired,” she huffed, kissing him quickly and then falling down on his couch, throwing her bag next to her. “I have two essays to turn in and I have no idea when I’ll write them.” 

“Maybe you could start now,” he proposed, pointing at the books on the coffee table. “We could study together.” 

“I don’t want to study,” she replied, crossing her arms on her chest. 

Jaemin sat next to her, his hand caressing her cheek, making her turn around in surprise. 

“I can help you though,” she stuttered, gulping, wanting to pull away from him but at the same time she just wanted to crave more at his touch. “Would never want to come between your studies.” 

“We can do something funnier,” he proposed, and only then she turned around, seeing his eyes locked on her lips. 

“This is another one of your dumb ideas,” she whispered. 

“Is it?” He asked, same old smirk on his face that then turned into a smile that made her melt. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this, you know it,” she mumbled, lying, knowing she was lying. Because she wanted it, she wanted that to happen for such a long time. 

“Just this time,” he whispered, breath fanning against her lips. “Just once.” 

But it hadn’t been just once. 

It had happened over and over again. 

“Jaemin, fuck.” The loud music was muffled in his room as the party downstairs kept going on. But her mind wasn’t there, it was focused on Jaemin’s face buried between her legs and his hands wrapped around her thighs as he ate her out while she stood against the wall. Too eager to even wait of getting on the bed or undressing her completely. 

“You taste so good,” he mumbled pressed against her wet flesh, nose teasing her clit while his lips and tongue worked perfectly to bring her over the edge so soon. 

“I’m close,” she breathed out, fingers intertwining in his hair, pulling hard as the orgasm made her tremble. 

“Need you,” Jaemin muttered as soon as he pulled away, licking his lips before dragging her body on his bed. Their clothes were on the floor in a second and Jaemin’s hands ran all over her body. 

“Quit playing and just fuck me,” she urged, hips grinding against him. 

“You’re so impatient,” he groaned before leaning over the bedside table to grab a condom, ripping the wrap and rolling it down his length. 

“If you didn’t tease me all night, maybe,” she said, spreading her legs more, waiting for him to slip inside her. “Shit, so good.” 

Moans and whimpers got lost in the night as the party went on downstairs without their care, too busy burning into each other’s flames and lying into ashes on the bed as what was going on between them grew bigger and bigger every day. 

There’s something extremely painful about one-sided love. And it only gets worst when the person that gets you weak in the knees is your best friend. 

She should’ve known it was a dumb idea. She should’ve stopped it before it even started but by now it was too late. She was too deep into that. And she was once again half naked in Jaemin’s bed, getting drunk in a pleasure that wasn’t enough to water the pain any longer. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” she snapped, standing up, pushing his body away, and trying to look for her clothes again. 

“Did I hurt you?” He asked, grabbing his boxer just to cover himself the quicker he could and reaching her. 

She sighed, slipping on herself his shirt, lifting her head up to push down the tears. “No, I… it’s my fault,” she confessed, turning around again, looking for her pants but the tears in her eyes made it impossible for her to see. And the salty drops filled her eyes even more when she felt Jaemin’s arms wrap around her. 

“Hey, calm down,” he whispered, turning her around, her head falling in the crook of his neck as she let him lull her, his hands caressing her back. “It’s alright, it’s fine.” 

“No, it’s not,” she mumbled through sobs. “I can’t keep having you like this without truly having you.” 

Jaemin was surprised by her words and pulled away to stare at her face. “You mean the sex?” 

She nodded, the palm of her hand wiping away her tears. “I thought my heart was safe but I love you. And I know you don’t love me back, I know this was just… just the easiest thing we could do but I – I love you so much. I’ve been loving you for too long without knowing,” she sobbed. “And I know you don’t feel the same –”

“Who said that?” Jaemin stopped her immediately. 

“I know.” 

“You know? And based on what?”  

When she didn’t answer he shook his head. “You think I treat all my other friends the way I treat you? You think I stay up all night to study with somebody else? You think I prepare them tea? You think that if it was just sex I’d let you stay over every time and let you sleep on my chest? You think I’d make your breakfast? You think I’d let you borrow my clothes?” 

“Isn’t this what we… isn’t this what we did even when we were just friends? How can I tear this apart?” 

Jaemin sighed, nodding, “I don’t know…” he whispered. The lines of their relationship had always been blurry. All the years their friends told them they acted like a couple. All the years their family told them the same thing. All the times they wondered what they were. They simply never had the courage to say it out loud, but now that all the lines were crossed they couldn’t keep playing that game anymore. 

“I feel good with you, and I love you,” Jaemin said. “I love you so much,” he replied, cupping her cheeks in his hand, and her heart skipped a beat at his words. “And if you love me back maybe we could give this a try?” 

And she said yes. Of course, she did. She had been waiting for this moment for so long that she felt on cloud nine. 

Jaemin, her best friend, the perfect man she always wanted to have at her side, was finally her boyfriend. 

The perfect man. 

That was what she thought. 

That was what Jaemin was when he was her best friend. 

And he was like that even for the first year they dated. 

He was thoughtful, energetic, and responsible and the list of all the compliments she could give him could go on and on. He was the same Jaemin she used to know, the one she always loved, as a friend, as a lover. 

And their story was going so well that they even started to look for a small apartment together when the second year of University ended and moved in before summer was over.  

“Stop playing around, Nana,” she warned him, pointing the brush on his face, trying to squirm away from him. 

“Come on, it’s just some paint,” he laughed, successfully staining her face with the light blue of their bedroom. 

“What did you just do?” She glared at him before coloring his face too, making him laugh. “You want war and I’ll give it to you.” 

And that was another afternoon spent playing around, paint ending everywhere but on the walls, leaving them lying on the floor breathless before they decided that it was better to wrap it up and go take a shower. 

And the new house led to thousands of shopping dates to pick up the furniture, and everything else they needed. Long days running around ended in cozy nights spent together on their couch eating food while their place started to form around them, walls filling up, smelling and looking like them more and more with each passing day.

The last two years of University passed like that, in their place, with their usual routine, with new memories and joys. Inviting friends over, wasting Saturdays doing nothing but cuddling up in their living room, or taking care of the plants that filled their home. 

They slept and woke up, looking at each other, always more sure that they were meant to be each other’s future. 

Until something broke. 

Jaemin was distant. 

It wasn't a clear break, one day the sweetest, most loving person ever and the next one a cold, heartless one. It was slow, like the grains of sanding passing from one side to another of an hourglass. Slipping out of her hands just like sand. 

Every time she tried to plan something, he always came up with something he had to do. She didn’t want to call them excuses, but at this point, she couldn’t name them in any other way. 

And it wasn’t only that, it looked like he had stopped paying her attention at all, whether she wanted it for dumb reasons or even serious ones.  

“We have to call the landlord,” she reminded him from the kitchen, turning around to see that he was once again on the couch, doing nothing on the phone. 

“Jaemin,” she called him, leaning against the door frame, glaring at him. 

“Yeah? You wanted me?” 

“I was talking to you,” she replied. 

“I wasn’t listening,” he mumbled, putting the phone away. 

“Yeah, I can see it,” she sighed, turning around again. 

“What did you want?” He asked, and even if she didn’t turn around she knew he was in the kitchen too. 

“Nothing, I can do it myself.”

Jaemin huffed, “so you can be mad at me because I didn’t do it?” 

She chuckled. “You never do what I ask you do.” 

“Here we go again,” he replied, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. 

“Yes, I’ll say it again because we can’t keep going on like this. We have to call the landlord because he’s raising the rent of this house again. Our place. I don’t know if you get it that you live here, too.” 

“I know. I’ll call him. You think that will make him stop? It’s been two years since we live here, and he does it every time.” 

“You didn’t even answer your mother about Sunday.” 

“Do you really want to go there?” 

She sighed, studying his face with a shocked expression. “It’s your mom? And it’s to spend time together.” 

“I can’t.” 

“You can’t? On Sunday?” 

“I have... a thing to do…” 

“A thing? And what is that?” She tilted her head, trying to meet his gaze but Jaemin was avoiding it. 

“Need to help Renjun with something. Boring things you don’t care about,” he cut short, and she furrowed, but she had no strength to dig deeper and maybe end up in a fight. 

They fought too often lately. They had started to bicker over the smallest things, screaming at each other, drifting away, and crying over spilled milk. And that was fucking her up. 

She felt like she couldn’t keep going on like this, but every time she tried to talk with him, Jaemin always slipped from her fingers or she couldn’t find the mental energy to go all the way. 

It was just a moment. It surely had to be like that. Maybe it was the stress from work, or those normal crises couples went through. 

But to Jaemin it wasn’t a moment. 

“I want to break up.” 

And then those words arrived. They hit her like a thunder in the middle of a storm. While sitting in front of each other at the table of their house he was finding the bravery to put an end to them. 

“I can’t keep lying to myself anymore,” Jaemin confessed, eyes lowering because he couldn’t stand looking into hers. His best friends. The person he learned to walk with. The person he almost shared his birthday with. The person that saw him at his lowest. “I think I mistook the habit of having you by my side for love.” 

Her whole world fell apart. She had so many things to say, questions to ask, but not a sound could come out of her mouth. 

“I don’t love you. I’m not even sure I ever did. Not like this, at least. Not like you want me to love you.” 

Some moments of silence passed after his confession as they stared into each other’s eyes. Jaemin trying to imagine a reaction, hoping it was going to be different from the ones he pictured while preparing for this. Her trying to see a glimpse of a joke, a terrible and cruel one, but a joke.

But she knew him too well and his eyes, his beautiful, once warm, brown eyes there was no sign of a joke. He meant it. Jaemin meant every word.

“You never loved me?” She asked, voice trembling, eyes watery. 

“I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know? You’re telling me I just wasted more than two years of my life by your side and you don’t know?” 

“It’s not my fault, I… I thought I did before I met someone else and maybe… maybe this is not love. My heart doesn’t beat the same. I don’t know.” 

“So there’s also somebody else!” She screamed. “After all that I gave up for you! You couldn’t realize this a little bit earlier? Before I gave up my job in London for you? Before I put all my savings in this place for us to share? Before I gave up going to New York for the master?” 

Jaemin didn’t answer, he didn’t even look at her. He couldn’t stand the look on her face, he was used to wiping it away, to kiss it away, but now he was the one that caused it.

“I… fuck,” she cursed, throwing her head back to push back tears. “I could’ve had so much more and I never did all because of you, because I thought I had love and you’re telling me all these years had been a lie? I ruined my life for you and you can’t even love me. No, you can’t even look at me while you’re telling me this big news.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, eyes meeting her just for a split second. 

“Sure, this is going to fix everything,” she chuckled bitterly. “Tell me what she has that I don’t!” 

“Don’t do this.” 

“Don’t do this? Seriously? I want to know. I deserve to know because you… you can’t just leave me like this.” 

“I’m not leaving like this,” he tried to explain. “I thought about it for so long.” 

“Why am I so hard to love?” She cried, but it was more of a thought to herself, getting up to walk back and forth because she felt all the emotions pile up and she needed to let them go somehow. 

“You are not hard to love. I love you, just not like that.” 

“Just shut the fuck up! I don’t care how you love me, I don’t want you to love me like that. Shut up!” Her whole body was shaking, tears flooding down her face, her head was about to explode, and probably her heart too.  

“I’m sorry.” 

“Stop saying it, stop it!” 

Jaemin sighed, he never imagine it would come to this. Honestly, he had no idea how else she could’ve reacted, but there must’ve been a good side to this, right? “I don’t know when it happened, I just realized it now. Isn’t it better like this? It’s over now and we can both move on.” 

“Sure,” she replied, holding in a bitter chuckle. “It’s so easy for you. She’s already waiting at home, right? Waiting for you, being everything you always wanted. Something I will never be.” 

“She doesn’t know. There’s nothing going on between us.” 

“I hope she makes you happy,” she replied, eyes closing so hard that tears rolled down her cheeks faster while her hand rested against the wall, trying to calm her breathing down. “I hope her eyes look better than they shine. I hope her lips taste sweeter than mine. I hope she looks prettier when she cries. I hope she won’t be so hard to handle.” 

Jaemin walked toward her, trying to hold her in his arms but she glared at him and it was enough to make him take a step back. 

“Leave,” she only whispered, taking a deep breath, trying to don’t pay attention to the tears that were making her look more and more pathetic. “You don’t want me, Jaemin. And I can’t change your mind. I can’t force you here. I already ruined enough of your life with this.” 

“You didn’t ruin my life, please. You will always be my best friend.” 

She couldn’t hold in the loud sob that rolled out of her mouth when he said that and her body crashed against the wall again. 

“I hate you so much,” she screamed, shaking and sniffling. “You — you should’ve told me this so long ago. I hate you so much,” she repeated, bending and holding her stomach, wishing she knew a way to make this pain stop. “I would’ve rather lost the sex with you than — than be — ugh,” she sobbed, completely falling on the floor.

Jaemin was frozen, his heart was broken too. He would’ve never wanted to be the reason for her tears, or for her pain, especially for this pain. Seeing her body shake, her face a mess of tears and mascara and her chest panting uncontrollably as she gasped for air. 

“I didn’t do this on purpose,” he whispered because he had no idea what to tell her. How to make her believe that if he made up his feelings before he would’ve told her sooner. 

“I know,” she replied, not looking at him. “But… leave, please. I can’t — I can’t do this… I can’t be this close to you. I — I… Leave.” 

And he did, walking to their bedroom he grabbed some of his things for the night and left. He tried to meet her eyes before closing the door behind him, but she was huddled up on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and the only thing he could do after turning her in that state, was to leave her some space. 

When the sound of the door closing reached her ears, she started crying louder, fingers clenching too hard around her hair and pulling too much, trying to feel some physical pain because the emotional one was unbearable. 

That wasn’t fair. 

That was nothing of what she had planned for the night, or for the weekend, or for their lives. 

And she couldn’t even think why she wasn’t enough, why he didn’t cast her in the show of his life forever. She could only think about all the wasted times and how now she could’ve been anywhere else in the world, with a job that made her ten times happier, with somebody that truly loved her and still with Jaemin at his side, still her childhood best friend, still the little teenage boy that made her laugh, still the college pal that spent nights up with her. 

But Jaemin now turned into a nightmare. He was somebody that she didn’t know. 

Jaemin was the source of her biggest pain and that was a kind of hurt she didn’t know how to deal with. 

She felt sick. 

Sick to the stomach. 

So, still crying, and sobbing, she crawled on the floor, tired body making its way to the bathroom, feeling like she was carrying around a ton too heavy to handle. And she threw up, everything she could’ve, and finding the strength to lift her hand and flush was hard. Just like it was to get up when her heart and stomach hurt so much and she felt like she could barely breathe. 

“I’m so pathetic,” she whispered through sobs while she laid curled up on the floor, thinking it couldn’t be possible to react that way, that a break-up couldn’t be the end of the world, that a betrayal like this couldn’t be the end of the world. And yet it felt exactly like that. And she had no strength to get up or drag her body to the bed, their bed, so she fell asleep there, exhausted, heartbroken, and humiliated. 

It wasn’t going to be the end of the world. 

But right there, it felt like the end of the universe.  

Dealing with what came after hadn’t been easy. Seeing Jaemin’s face again hadn’t been easy. But that still was his place, and his friends couldn’t just make room for him in their houses out of nowhere. So they still had to share their everyday life for a week before Renjun found a way to let him squeeze into his house, a temporary solution to give him time to find a new place. 

But dealing with his absence wasn’t easy either. Every day when she came home the house was a little emptier. All the things they bought together. All the things she had seen in his room at his parent’s place, then in his college room, and now here. Gone. Gone just like him. 

Jaemin had tried to talk to her several times, but she never answered, unless it was really necessary, and when she did the only words were ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or small phrases.

She was angry. Furious even. So much she feared she was going to go insane. Because the pain was pressing her to the floor and she felt like she was about to explode. But that wasn’t her, that was a part of her that was hurt and devastated. And as much as Jaemin deserved it, she didn’t want to regret any dumb action, so she took a step back. Hoping he was going to leave her alone as soon as possible and then she would’ve healed by herself. 

And it took her at least one month to get back on her feet. She didn’t even feel pain, she felt empty, and for some reason, it was worst. She had no emotions to deal with, to feel and then analyze, no root of a pain to reach to break it apart. 

She spent her evenings sitting on a corner of the sofa, looking at the wall, feeling like she was going insane. Her friends tried to make her go out, get her mind off of it, but she had no strength. She was falling into a withdrawal. 

“What is this?” She asked her mother while she went through the mail, an envelope that was too elegant to be normal mail catching her eyes. She had started to come back to her parent’s house during the weekend to don’t feel so lonely because that place screamed Jaemin from every corner and she couldn’t deal with it. During the week she was too wrecked from work to let him drag her down, but the weekends were the worst. 

“What, honey? It must be the usual stuff,” her mother replied not even turning around, too busy crocheting a blanket. 

She wanted to leave it there, but something inside her told her to open it. 

“Are you kidding me?” She whispered, blinking her eyes twice to make sure she wasn’t going insane. “He’s getting married?” Her eyes were still on that piece of paper with her name written on it. “He’s getting married and he invited me?” 

When her eyes fell on her mother her heart broke even more. “You — you knew?” the words were shaking coming out of her mouth and her eyes got wetter. 

“Honey, I’m —”

“Don’t call me honey,” she warned her sternly, feeling like that pet name was mocking her even more. “You knew?” 

“I’m still friends with his mom, you know what’s between us, of course, I did,” she confessed, placing the wool next down on the armchair and walking toward her daughter but she stepped back. “I wasn’t planning on giving it to you.” 

“Why did he invite me? Does he think — does he think we can still be friends after all the pain he caused to me?” Her back met the wall and it was getting harder to breathe. 

He was getting married. 

Na Jaemin, her best friend for life, her first love, her first real relationship, the one she gave up so much for, was getting married two months after they broke up. 

“His mother did the invitations. You know it’s hard for us to see you like this. We just wish you would solve this.” 

“Solve this?” She almost screamed, staring at her mother in disbelief. “Solve what? The broken heart he threw to the ground and stepped on? I gave him my life, mom, I did things for him — I… I would’ve died for him and he tells me he never loved me. These past three years had been a lie, he was with me just because I was there, ready to crawl at his side, I was just a habit he was too afraid to lose and he had to tie me to him somehow until I became too much and he kicked me out of his life. How can I go past this? Why do I always have to be the one that lets people run over her?” 

“I didn’t mean that, but you two have been through so much. I don’t understand how —” 

“Yeah, you don’t understand,” she replied bitterly before grabbing her things and walking out of the house, not listening to her mother begging to make her stay. 

She had no idea how she made it home with the tears fogging her eyes and her heart split into million pieces more than it already was. But once she crossed the door she let out the most broken scream of her life, bending in two in front of the door, letting her body fall on the floor, screaming and crying, regretting all her life choices, wondering how the person she trusted the most in the whole world could’ve turned into her biggest enemy. 

Jaemin, the one that had her back when she did something wrong. The one that helped her stood up every time she fell. The one that kissed the pain away when she fell off the bike or from the swing. Her soulmate had backstabbed her, over and over again. 

“I don’t deserve this,” she shouted, resting her back against the hard door, head rolled back as she tried to let her lungs breathe in more air because she felt like she was dying. “I don’t deserve all this pain.” 

But she had nobody to talk to, nobody was there to hug her or calm her down, nobody to whisper in her ears that eventually, one day, everything would’ve been better. 

Nobody was there to tell her that one day she would’ve got that love she deserved. 

Because the love she deserved was reserved for somebody else. 

And she shouldn’t have added more pain to her suffering, but her hands quickly reached for her phone and opened Instagram. 

And there they were. 

“Forever and always” as the caption of their hands, two beautiful rings on their fingers. And swiping left another picture, their cheeks pressed against each other, smiling widely as the wind blew the hair in front of their faces. 

The exact picture she had of them on her lock screen, but now that she thought about it, after months of thinking that was one of their best photos, she realized that Jaemin’s cheek wasn’t so close to hers. 

And there were so many posts on Instagram, both of their feeds were full of each other with cheesy captions and emojis. Things he never, ever did for her. 

She broke down again, feeling her heart twist in her ribcage. 

She had spent months trying to convince herself that Jaemin had fallen out of love in the last months. That it had happened, that it was just bad luck and they weren’t meant to last. 

But looking back at it now, thinking about how easily he had moved on and what kind of love he was reserving for her, the sad truth crashed her to the ground. 

Jaemin had never fallen in love with her. 

They weren’t supposed to meet again, but she couldn’t say ‘no’ when her mother invited her to the usual spring party she threw the first week of April. 

“Sorry, I didn’t see you here,” Jaemin mumbled when they crashed against each other. “I was looking for a thing in my… my jacket,” he explained since they were both in the guest room. 

She was frozen. She wanted to leave. She should’ve left because she came there mainly to avoid him. She couldn’t stand seeing him and her all over each other, their hands intertwined, his lips always on her cheeks or lips, his fingers gently grazing her hair back. 

“Are you okay?” He asked when tears started streaming down her face. It had been months since he had last seen her and he never imagined she was doing this badly, she barely looked like herself anymore.

She didn’t even notice she had started crying, it happened so often lately that she didn’t even pay attention to it anymore. 

“Never been better,” she replied sarcastically, but her feet still couldn’t find the strength to move past him and walk out. 

“I didn’t know about what my mom did, I would’ve stopped her,” he said. 

She chuckled bitterly. “You think that the problem is being invited? You think that the mere fact of you marrying someone else after two months of our break up isn’t heartbreaking enough?” 

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

She nodded. “I know, I know. We never want to hurt others, and just because it wasn’t on purpose the others shouldn’t feel hurt or betrayed, right? It’s always an honest mistake. Oops, I slipped. Oops, I didn’t do it on purpose. I casually stuck ten knives in your chest but I never thought you would bleed and die on the floor, please, forgive me.” Her tone wasn’t high but bitter, full of a type of anger Jaemin never heard before. 

“Let’s not do this right now,” Jaemin said. “There are people.” 

“Yeah, you care so much about what they might think. You don’t even care about all the pain you put me through. How much this hurt and how much you, your mother and mine are slapping your happiness at my expense on my face.” 

“You shouldn’t have come here.” 

“I shouldn’t have? She’s my mom. This is my parents’ house. Not yours. You should’ve been thoughtful enough to say no when she invited you, to take your fucking distances from my family but no, this is so much better. You love seeing me miserable. You love knowing I’m not getting over you, that for me there will never be getting over you. Probably you get off to my pain.” 

“Don’t say things that are not true. I didn’t know you were coming, I wouldn’t have come.” 

“I don’t even get how my mom let her in, why she’s so supportive of you as if… as if you’re not the reasons I’m struggling to make it to the next day. Why does nobody care about me? Why is she still all over you? Why can’t she see it? Why can’t she realize you’re not the kind, little boy I used to spend my morning, afternoon and evening with?” 

“She’s just happy for me…” 

“Right, you’re happy, your family is happy. She’s happy, happier than I’ve ever been. You found your person, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And I’m so happy about it. Congratulation for being happy, for finding love, for — fuck,” she cursed. “I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy that she’s getting all the love I deserved to have.” 

“Don’t do this.” 

“No, I’m truly happy. I’m so happy that she gets the flowers, the boxes of chocolate, the nights out to stargaze, the marriage proposal, the new house, maybe even a dog or a child.” 

“Are you mad because I love her?” 

“I’m mad because she gets the love I deserved. The love that I gave you.” It was hard to say it out loud and in front of him but she was so mad, so frustrated that everybody there acted as if she was the problem or the overdramatic one. 

“She gets the posts made about her, she gets the flowers, she gets a perfect love that you never gave to me. You never loved me. All these years were a fucking lie, Jaemin. You lied to me. I gave you my everything. I was so open to you, I showed you my true colors and what I got back? A fucking play. You were playing a part. I have no idea who I had by my side in the last three years. And I’ve known you before we could even talk.” 

“I’m sorry but I can’t… I can’t choose who I love.” 

“I don’t care. I got excuses, Jaemin. You got to use this, to use me. You left me in the dust with nothing and then walked away as if it was nothing. As if I was nothing,” she screamed, fist clenching around his shirt before letting go because she couldn’t stand to stay this close to him. 

“Was I too hard to handle? Was I too emotionally unstable? What was wrong with me that — that didn’t make you love me? Why don’t you love me? Why don’t you want me?” 

“Because you’re not her,” Jaemin snapped, their eyes locking into each other, hearts breaking again. Hers because she never imagined he could hurt her that bad. Again. Over the same wound. Healing and bleeding. Closing and ripping open. And his because he never wanted to hurt her that bad. Jaemin truly didn’t want this to end like this. And he couldn’t stand the emptiness he could see in her eyes as they stared into his and felt like nothing of what they used to feel. 

They weren’t home anymore. And this was the cruellest reminder. 

Her feet moved back, heels almost dripping on the floor and lips shaking. She gulped, wrapping her arms around her shoulders, nodding as she felt the air dim in her lungs again.  

“You’re right,” she whispered, looking through the clothes to grab her jacket before putting it on and storming outside. 

Jaemin should’ve let her go but he knew that when she acted like this she was out of herself. 

“Where are you going? It’s dangerous to drive like this,” he screamed, running after her, cursing because he didn’t want to make a scene but he still cared about her. 

“Why do you act like you care? You don’t give a damn about me. Just — just stop this,” she replied, slamming the front door, walking fast to her car, falling apart when she turned around and he wasn’t there. His fiancée had stopped him, probably asking what was going on and he was lying, coming up with something that wasn’t related to her, because she wasn’t worth a fight between him and the love of his life, and he walked back to the garden, once again forgetting about her. 

Driving in those conditions was a terrible idea, but she wanted to go home and the idea of death didn’t sound so sad or scary. 

Dying for love was such a dumb thing. 

But she couldn’t keep her eyes on the road, her hands couldn’t control the wheel, shaking too hard. And when she lost control, when the car ran off the road and death grazed her, she wondered if it went in another way, if destiny wouldn’t have been so gentle to keep her alive if she would’ve gotten the flowers on her tombstones. 

But she wasn’t underground, she was alive, hurt, next to her car, crying her eyes out to a love that was never meant to be. 

She couldn’t know what would’ve happened if things went the other way. But of one thing, she was sure.

Someone else was getting the flowers and would’ve always got them. 

And that someone, wasn’t her. 

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