#that's been the same joke for the last fucking 40 years of media picking on fat characters

[gender-euphowrya]

how are there still people pretending south park is deep social commentary. they're making yet another episode about cartman being fat

[1ddotdhq]

🚨 Fri Aug 28🚨

!!!!!!!LIAM’S ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reading both the Sun and the Daily Mail’s version of events is a headache and a massive web of contradictions, but it’s all we have to go off of, because no one else decided to chime in today, including Liam himself! 

On August 27, 2020, The Sun reported Liam’s engagement to *mumbles number between 19 and 20 here* year old Maya Henry after two years of dating. This number is brought to you by the same source that says Maya was 20 years old. According to People, the first year was secret! The Sun did publish pap pics from 8/26 with what was reported to be a £3 million engagement ring on her finger. The fandom’s reaction has been mixed at best, though largely, an air of confusion prevails, followed quickly by anger and frustration. And just like that, we have returned to a hostile fandom environment with a LOT of differing opinions which have drawn lines in the sand. 

And then, of course, Liam went live. This happened at around 8 pm BST, and he spent 20 minutes talking about his upcoming show because,oh, also, the LP Show is in ONE day! What else did he have to say? Well, he talked a bit about his haunted house, doing more food challenges, premiering new songs on Saturday (!!!), Harry’s nipples (???), the way he pronounces ‘adore’, the Umbrella Academy, COVID life and how he keeps his depression at bay (love u, bud), and he sang a bit of Watermelon Sugar, while promising that Saturday’s show is the culmination of a lot of hard work, and he hopes it goes well. I do, too! The comments on the live, however, only seemed to want one pesky question answered: is he actually engaged?? For what it’s worth, Liam ignored everything related to this topic, and did not once mention his girlfriend/fiancee. Thanks for that, Liam! 

We at 1 dee discourse inc. gave it a day, but, despite Liam’s conspicuous evasion of the subject in his live, this very much seems to be the route that Liam - or, rather, his team - are taking, as his rep seems to have confirmed the engagement with The Sun so! Don’t shoot the messenger!  However, as we are still in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, they seem to be headed for a lengthy engagement - or at least that’s the hope.  My piece of advice to them would be: don’t try to break the social distancing guidelines with a wedding, you crazy kids! 

( Intern’s note: Honestly, if you have something mean to say about Maya, please don’t put it in my notes - she’s nineteen years old, and I don’t want to hear it.)

Let’s see...what else happened today? OH YEAH, Louis put out a brand new merch line!!! Okay, guys, my bank account is not going to survive this. Lyric Drop 1, as this collection is called, dropped on the 28th of August (today, as it so happens!).There were also rainbow face mural T-shirts and hoodies, as well as - get this, guys!! - a crop top hoodie!  Anyways, the Lyric Drop line seems to mean that each collection will be inspired from different lyrics in Walls. This one is the “You’re Written In My DNA” Collection, which showcases a green and red double helix on top of a...fence? It’s DNA inside a cage? Behind a wall? (I actually really like that last one, so that’s what we’re going with!) 

Well, at least it isn’t called the “DNA test” line, but it is pretty funny, considering...everything. This begs the question, though, of what lyric they will adapt next! I personally vote for “come so far from Princess Park” or “singing something poppy on the same four chords” or “it’s a solo song, and it’s only for the brave”. Regardless, I am curious as to how they’re going to design some of these lines, AND I think that “the Princess Park line” sounds like a super cute name for merch! 

I think I should not have been surprised by this drop, given that he was seen meeting with a designer about merch a month ago (but not, as we thought, his twin brother, the head of UMG), but. I was still surprised. Soooo...does anyone want to help an Intern out and buy me the DNA tank top or an oversized hoodie of his eyes?? ~This is a joke I’m not actually asking you to buy me merch.~

Because Louis and Harry always have to be #twinning, there was an unusual development about Harry’s merch, as well. HSHQ might pick a legal fight with Forever 21 for, uh, *double checks* putting the phrase “Treat People With Kindness” on a hoodie. Harry did actually trademark that phrase in the UK, the US, and the EU in 2019, so he may have a legal case? Let’s get this square - as Louis would say - Forever 21 sucks. They suck, and they’re almost bankrupt, so this did not seem to be a smart move on their end. If it were me, though, I would urge HSHQ to recognize the fact that similar merch is being sold at a much lower cost, which seems to make it more accessible to fans - who are more than willing to buy it! 

Zayn is zayning? I think that’s how you use that word. It has been noted that he has been more visible (for him) on social media, lately, so that might hint at a new project he might have coming out, which absolutely could be the case! In the same vein, Icarus Falls was re-released on all major streaming platforms with two more tracks: Dusk ‘Til Dawn and Still Got Time. This brings the tracklist to a total of 29 tracks and the length of the album to almost 1 hour and 40 minutes!! That’s crazy!!! Even crazier, the album has now surpassed 1.1 billion streams on Spotify! Go Zayn! 

Meanwhile, a former Syco (or psycho, as I like to call them) artist confirmed the label’s dissolution while shading the fuck out of them. The Wikipedia was quickly changed to more accurately reflect the situation. It now reads: “...the record label [was] founded by British LOUIS TOMLINSON SUPREMACY…”. Also, if you change your Google settings to Spanish and Google ‘Harry Styles’, you’ll be informed that he’s been married to Louis Tomlinson since 2019. Happy anniversary, boys! 

[gemmassong]

So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother. 

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better. 

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction. 

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why. 

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up. 

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like? 

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important. 

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore. 

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else. 

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it. 

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it. 

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

[clairenvk]

r + e fic rec

a collection of 40+ completed reddie fics i’ve read on ao3 and loved; ranging from soft to cute to funny to ridiculous to angsty. you may have read some of this, you may not have, but these are all worth your time. if you read any of these and enjoy them then remember to leave a kudos and a comment for the author to let them know that you liked it!

✨ - Fav 😎 - fun/funny 💕 - Soft 💜 - cute (cute cute!)  🌹 - emotional / atmospheric ⚠️ - angsty ⚔️ - nsfw

💕 up off the floor  - kaspbrak_kid

“In a world where we can kill a fucking clown from space, Eddie Kaspbrak doesn’t get to die from a stab wound."

15.3k words. 6 chapters.

Note - the Most soft. tender. taking care of each other and getting together. this author also has a wip that’s a lot more sad but with as much Yearning as this one so i’d recommend you check their stuff out.

💕 And All The Time He’s Mumbling - monarchyofroses

“It suits you.” Richie frowned. “Huh?” “Being in love,” Ben clarified. “It suits you.” Richie smiled, then, so hard that it made Ben wonder how his face had not splitted in two. “I’m in fucking limerence, man.” 

2.7k words. 1 chapter

Note - ben and richie have a Conversation about the loves of their lives basically. Truly Soft.

💕 What He’s Mumbling? - monarchyofroses

"But. But that's what you do for..." "...A friend," Maggie finished for him, or well, not exactly for him, considering he was about to come out. Richie to God, if you exist and this is your revenge for my atheism, it's not funny. Also, you suck.

3.5k words. 1 chapter.

Note - coming out! i love the toziers. part 2 of the same series the previous fic is from.

💕 💜 No Mistakes - usnavi

When Richie Tozier tells Eddie Kaspbrak he loves him, they're watching Jurassic Park and Eddie's wearing his clothes like it's all meant to be this way. 

1.4k words. 1 chapter.

✨ 💜 Richie Tozier: Come Out and Play - piginawig

Richie Tozier: Come Out & Play, a new Netflix special! Comedian Richie Tozier is back after a very public mental breakdown. And he's ready to (over)share.

5.7k words. 1 chapter.

Note - My personal favorite version of this trope.

😎 Richie Tozier, an Apple Music Listener - plinys

Apple Music ✓ @AppleMusic Thanks for the support @trashmouth! We love to see loyal #AppleMusic fans! Apple Music ✓ @AppleMusic Also, in unrelated news, the #AppleMusic recommended song of the day is “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande.

1.2k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Post Chapter 2. I’m a sucker for fics involving social media. Also, this is funny and lighthearted and i love it.

😎 Retweet. - plinys

richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth what did i miss lol

3k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Post Chapter 2. 

😎 💜 ⚔️ Let’s Hear It For The Boy - sloppybitch

Eddie’s just trying to see if he’s not alone when he downloads Grindr on his phone. It’s by pure, terrifying coincidence that one of the first messages he receives on there is from none other than Richie freaking Tozier. Long story short: trashmouth;) (11:03PM): oh me, oh my. fancy seeing u here Eddie (11:33PM): holy FUCKING SHIT.

9.8k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Part 1 of an ongoing series.

😎 💜 ⚔️ Let’s Give The Boy a Hand - sloppybitch

After finding each other on Grindr and sharing a couple of saucy texts and a phone call that would make a nun faint, Richie and Eddie find each other in the clubhouse, and they... talk. Sure, they talk. Let’s call it talking. Beverly, meanwhile, discovers that none of the Losers have ever gotten drunk, and what’s being a teenager without breaking a few drinking laws? Ben has a free house, and Eddie has never been more afraid of a game of Truth or Dare in his entire fucking life.

24k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Part 2 of the series the previous fic is part of.

✨ 💜 Five Times The Losers Gave Richie Permission - toomuchrootbeer

The Losers keep trying to tell Richie something, but he's never been great at taking a hint. 

10.7k words. 1 chapter.

Note - anything that has all of the losers really present in their fics is the loml. some mentions of period typical racism and homophobia but no slurs, mainly mentioned for context of the time.

✨ 💜 Husband and Husband - thatsuperawkwardgirl

Richie gets the idea at the end of kindergarten, when the teacher has everyone do projects on their families. The class talks about how some families have moms and dads who are married, and some don’t. Richie being…well, Richie, he goes straight home and asks his parents why they got married if they didn’t have to. Richie learns about marriage and love, and comes up with an excellent plan.

7.8k words. 1 chapter.

Note - the sweetest, most adorable fic ever. couldn’t stop smiling. Part 1 of an ongoing series.

💜 A Good Husband - thatsuperawkwardgirl

Eddie sits in a chair in front of the principal’s desk, bouncing his leg anxiously--a habit he picked up from Richie, that annoying little twerp. Mrs. Smith is calling his mother for the third time in the last hour, and Eddie knows she won’t be picking up; Wednesday mornings are when she runs her errands and doesn’t return until late afternoon. This is the perfect time to get suspended, Eddie really has to pat himself on the back for that one. Eddie gets in trouble at school for fighting, and Maggie Tozier comes to pick him up.

2.5k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Part 2 of Married Life, the same series the previous fic is a part of. Truly so ridiculously cute it makes me want to scream.

😎 💜 light as a feather (got you and i together) - anniebibananie

RICHIE: why the fuck does eddie look so cute today RICHIE: his sweater sleeves keep falling down over his palms, like how could I see that and not think “I know exactly how to keep those sleeves up, just hold my hand” BEN: richie this is so sweet! BEN: but I feel like you didn’t mean to send this to me? RICHIE: This message will self-destruct in five seconds. [or Richie accidentally texts Ben about his feelings for Eddie and everyone gets involved]

1.6k words. 1 chapter.

Note - could not stop smiling the whole way through.

✨💜 the years go by like days - georgiestauffenberg

It’s Eddie he wants to get a hold of, though, and he does, tucking him under his arm, and ruffling his hair, making him laugh. He’s startled when Eddie looks at him with such happy, shining eyes. And, for a split-second, he’s tempted to kiss him right then, right there in front of everyone. He wants to. Badly. He doesn’t. He leans in, instead, and he smacks a loud, wet kiss to Eddie’s cheek, punctuating it with a “mwah!” He does it again and again. “I’m so proud of my little Eds Spagheds!” “Get off me!” Eddie says, laughing and shoving him away, swatting at his hands. AU. in the 27 years in-between, Richie and Eddie forget a lot, but they don't forget each other.

121.9k words. 4 chapters.

Note - make sure you have the time before starting this because i couldn’t stop once i started. god. really good.

💕 come on, come on - Chokingonholywater

“Yo, Eddie, play some music, will ya?” When Richie asks Eddie to put on some music in the car that day after school, Eddie doesn't think anything of it. It's a familiar request; he knows the passcode to Richie's phone, knows where Spotify is, knows what Richie likes to listen to while he drives. But what Eddie doesn't know is why, exactly, there's suddenly a playlist his name on it - literally.

8.6k words. 1 chapter.

Note - They’re in Love. and they have a playlist to prove it.

💕 sleepover - sleqnir

“You jealous?” Richie tilts his head. “Jennifer is kinda hot.” He’s referring to Ben’s girlfriend. Eddie’s face falls. “Oh. Um… no. I’m happy for him. I just…” “Want it too?” Richie’s jaw clenches. His chest aches in a way all too familiar. “A girlfriend? For yourself?” Eddie’s looking at him nervously. “I want… a relationship. I guess.” Richie looks back up at the ceiling, giving another millionth sigh. “Yeah, well… don’t sweat it so much. You’re not the only one.”“You want a girlfriend?” “I want a... relationship.” He mimics Eddie’s words.

2.5k words. 1 chapter.

🌹 ⚔️ the anatomy of a joke - crescenteluce

He trails off and Bev raises an eyebrow. ‘So, you being in bed together fits in there how exactly?’ ‘No, Jesus, Bev.’ Eddie says and Richie, horrifyingly, feels his cheeks heat under Bev’s suspicious look. Something needs to be done, so he plucks Eddie’s phone from his hands. ‘I am appalled by your implications, Beverly.’ He says sternly, trying to ignore the blood still not quite done rushing to his face. ‘I would have you know that I’d never defile Eddie like that, the poor man’s 40 year old and still a virgin and if I’d have the honor of-’ He’s cut off by Eddie trying to wrestle the phone away from him as Bev cackles delightedly.

11.7k words. 1 chapter.

💜 say what you mean (out loud) - Redburn

Richie can’t help it when something heavy refuses to leave his stomach, something relentless and daunting. He looks at Eddie and can’t help but want, can’t help but need, watching this boy watch the stars and thinking he would be happy to spend the rest of his life just like this, right here standing next to him. Or, Richie realizes he likes Eddie and promptly goes through the five stages of grief. 

7.4k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Good ol’ fluff with slight internalized homophobia and a whole lot of yearning.

💜 across the gap - sondersoflight

“You fucking stupid asshole,” Eddie says but he is smiling when he leans forward, grabbing Richie by the lapels of the ridiculous bright yellow shirt with dancing avocados he is wearing. “I’m the fucking love of your life.” 

6.4k words. 1 chapter.

💕 💜 Five Times Richie Kisses Eddie and One Time He Doesn’t Have To - multifandomtakeover

Eddie Kaspbrak is a little inexperienced in the kissing department and Richie Tozier is more than willing to help him out. 

5.7k words. 1 chapter.

✨ 🌹 💕 ⚠️ No Saints, No Sinners, No Devil As Well - saooharine

Andy Muschietti looked at Eddie Kaspbrak so now I feel obligated to repair the damage and make it gayer.

Following Richie from the sewer showdown and to the hospital with Eddie and the Losers Club by his side.

6.2k words. 1 chapter.

⚔️ In This Cold Heart - pineapplecrushface

The future Richie sees while he's caught in the deadlights gives him a chance to save Eddie. In the year afterward, they both try to follow Stan's advice. 

16.9k words. 1 chapter.

💕 💜 ⚠️ 🌹 Wouldn’t it be nice? - podcastalien

Richie wonders what exactly is supposed to be so great about being a kid as he tries to carve initials into the kissing bridge. 

2.5k words. 1 chapter.

⚔️ Men of Fall - kaboomslang

Do you remember? He watches his own hand slide closer along the armrest. Do memories transfer by touch, in this fucked up magic town? Remember, Richie, please, and tell me I wasn’t imagining things. 

7k words. 1 chapter.

💜 Any Man’s Game - tossertozier

It's two months before graduation, and Richie and Eddie can turn virtually anything into a competition. Even kissing.

10.5k words. 3 chapters.

💜 ⚠️ ⚔️ This safe place - tinyarmedtrex

Eddie asks Richie to pretend to be his boyfriend at his family reunion. What’s the worst that can happen? 

31k words. 14 chapters.

⚠️ ⚔️ Stay for the Storm - inoubliable

Richie and Eddie had become friends almost on sight. Since they met, most of Eddie's time in Los Angeles has involved Richie in some way. It's a little different, now that they're both famous. It's a little different, now that they're sleeping together. Well, to be fair, they've been sleeping together for a long time, but. No one knows, not even their friends. Eddie has been very careful about that. It's just not the sort of publicity he needs. So when Beverly calls him that sunny Thursday morning, the last thing he expects her to say is, "You're fucking Richie?"

20.8k words. 1 chapter.

💜 and this is who we are - sunsetozier

He realizes, suddenly, that being in a position like this meant nothing to him two weeks ago. At the time, it was completely normal, holding no real meaning other than comfort and tradition – after all, him and Eddie have been disgustingly cuddly with one another since they were kids, even though they’d usually bicker while holding each other close, much to the annoyance (and entertainment) of their friends. Now, however, Richie can feel his heart skip a beat in his chest, an undeniable thundering that echoes loudly in his ears. He can picture his younger self, as much of an oblivious idiot as he may have been, soaking in the warmth and the affection of Eddie’s touch when they hugged, shoved, or even just nudged one another. It’s funny, really, how much changes once you’re aware of how you feel. [In which Eddie and Beverly lie to their friends for five years before finally coming out, much to the surprise of one supposedly straight Richie Tozier.]

40.7k words. 8 chapters.

💜 hawaii hottie - sunsetozier

Letting his eyes flutter shut in order to avoid everyone’s gazes, Richie meekly explains, “I got another letter from Eds, okay? And I know he’s on vacation, doing all these cool things, and I know Hawaii is, like, super sunny and everything, but- guys. Guys.” He stops, unable to force out the words he wants to. From somewhere off to his left, he hears Bill say, “Spit it out, man. What’s the big deal?”“ There was a polaroid in this letter,” Richie tells them. He would be embarrassed, but by this point they all know how smitten he is, so there’s no reason to be bashful as he practically whines out, “And he’s getting hotter.” [In which Eddie goes on vacation and Richie can't deal with it.]

4.6k words. 1 chapter.

💜 He Came In Through the Window - mischiefmanager

"It’s finally happened. I cannot fit through this goddamn window. I’m out of ideas." or Eddie enlists the help of two other Losers to help fix his bedroom window, and finally spills the beans about what's going on between him and Richie.

11.3k words. 1 chapter

💜 Home - mischiefmanager

“Tooooozier-Kaspbrak residence,” Richie says cheerfully, holding the phone up to his ear. “May I ask who—oh hello, Mrs. K! How the fuck are you?” Richie and Eddie living together in LA, being in love and dealing with Mrs. K long-distance.

6.9k words. 1 chapter.

✨ ⚠️ hit me baby one more time - theappleppielifestyle

Richie reaches up a shaking hand and puts it on Eddie’s stomach. “Uhhh,” Eddie says. “Is this a bit? Is this a really inopportune bit? ‘Cause I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Richie, but this is kind of an important moment-” “What the fuck,” Richie says, not for the first or last time, and lurches forwards to hug him. (Or, Richie gets stuck in a time loop.)

11.1k words. 1 chapter.

💕 are we living for the feeling? - michelllejones

“You’re such an idiot,” Eddie tells Richie with a frown. He snorts at that. “Says you. Your knees are all bloody. You fall off your bike or something?” He asks, and for a split second Eddie thinks he can hear genuine concern in his voice. He’s probably just imagining it, though, since Richie’s only ever concerned about two things: his dick, and the size of it.“ So what if I did?” Eddie bites back, feeling almost defensive. Richie should be the last person teasing him about falling off of a bike. Especially since Eddie watched him trip over his own foot less than a week ago! or, Eddie takes a tumble and goes to Richie for help.

4.5k words. 1 chapter.

💕 what would they say? - michelllejones

And despite telling Eddie he would, he doesn’t go home—at least not at first. He isn't sure what wills him to do it, but his bike takes him in the other direction, past the Barrens and to the street, right to the Kissing Bridge in all its vandalized glory. Slurs and poorly carved hearts and names he doesn’t recognize stare back at him as he digs into his jeans and pulls out his dad’s old pocketknife.

4.1k words. 1 chapter.

💕 back in the summer - michelllejones

“What?” Eddie snaps, feels immediately defensive. “Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?” Self consciously, he buries his nose into his comic book. Glares at Richie over the brim, frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. He waits for Richie to take the bait, provide some half clever quip that will catapult them into some sort of argument, as is customary. But the taunt never comes. Instead, he reaches forward—with a look in his eyes that if Eddie didn’t know any better would let himself think is almost fond—takes a curl in between gentle fingers and says, “your hair’s longer,” in a tone so tender it is almost unrecognizable.

1.6k words. 1 chapter.

💕 ⚠️ savage - inoubliable

Eddie Kaspbrak is twelve years old. He's kissed for the first time. And then kissed again. -- "You're bisexual." Eddie has never said the word out loud before, and it feels a little taboo, but it also feels like a weight off his chest. "You like boys and girls. It isn't weird, and it isn't gross, and you aren't selfish because of it. You aren't dirty or disgusting. You're Richie Tozier, and you're my best friend. I'm Eddie Kaspbrak, and I'm an idiot. I get it."

3.7k words. 1 chapter

💕 💜 Morphine - inoubliable

Eddie Kaspbrak is fourteen years old. He's a lot more honest with himself when he's drugged. -- They all crowd around Eddie's bed, their faces shimmering a little. Eddie has to squint to make out their features, and he laughs once he does. They all look so worried. Eddie feels great. "Oh my God," Stan says, at the same time that Richie says, "He's high."

2k words. 1 chapter.

💕 We Were Here - inoubliable

Eddie Kaspbrak is fifteen years old. It's the first time he kisses Richie Tozier. -- Eddie has a couple of options, here. He can pretend he didn't just realize what Richie has been trying to tell him the whole time. He can pretend like Richie is just being a jerk when he flirts and teases and taunts. He can pretend like they're just friends, and then they can stay just friends, and nothing will change. Or he can kiss Richie. He kisses Richie.

2.3k words. 1 chapter.

💕 ⚔️ The Ever After - websters_lieb

Eddie lives, and life goes on. Or The story of how Richie and Eddie sort out their shit and realize that they've been in love the whole damn time while they work towards their happily ever afters.

20.8k words. 5 chapters.

⚠️ In the Glow of the Vending Machine - sentimentalscribe

“I can’t believe that I’m going to live an eternity in hellfire over a hypochondriac who would probably make sweet love to his inhaler given the chance.” Alternatively: Beverly Knows way before these chucklefucks do. Alternatively: It's the '80s in a small town and having a panicked confession to your best friend is not nearly as fun as it sounds.

3.5k words. 1 chapter.

💜 😎 eddie gets grindr - BookRockShooter

I shouldn’t be doing this, Eddie thinks as he opens his phone. Is this technically illegal? he thinks as he clicks the app store icon. Well, it’s definitely fucking wrong either way, he thinks as he types grindr into the search bar. - Eddie downloads grindr and rediscovers an old friend - and crush - on it.

2.1k words. 1 chapter.

⚠️ confessions in the dark - BookRockShooter

Richie nods to himself. “Okay. Talk. I can do that. Hey, you know a trope in movies I always hated? When, like, the main character’s love interest is fatally wounded and dy–” He trails off, staring at Eddie with a haunted look in his eyes. “Well. You know. And, uh, the main character chooses that exact moment to confess their undying love? Like, shit, they’ve always got the worst timing.” He laughs, short and shaky, and Eddie thinks, Oh my god. “So, what, they wait until the last moment to say something? Isn’t that fucked up? Because, now, they’ll never have time to… to be happy together.” His eyes are shiny and, suddenly, all Eddie wants to do is wipe away his tears. Wants to help him feel better, because Richie Tozier doesn’t deserve to be in so much pain, not on Eddie’s behalf. “Richie,” Eddie murmurs, and he hates himself for what he’s about to say. “Richie, I… I love you.” - *fix it fic for chapter 2 bc fuck canon reddie is real*

2.2k words. 1 chapter.

💜 😎 head lights pointed at the dawn - starkmccall

"You do realise this means people around the world are gonna hear about how much I love your dick, right?" Richie says, tucked behind Eddie in bed late one night.

He can almost see Eddie squint at him. "That's not actually a part of the show, is it?"

Post-Chapter Two. Eddie lives. Richie goes back to comedy.

3.2k words. 1 chapter.

[absurdfuture]

'How can I complain?'

An essay about mental health by musician James Blake, from It’s Not OK to Feel Blue (And other lies).

James Blake 09 OCTOBER 2019

It’s especially easy to poke fun at the idea that a white man could be depressed. I have done it myself, as a straight white man who was depressed. In fact, I still carry the shame of having been a straight white man who’s depressed and has experienced suicidal thoughts. And still, when discussing it with most people, I will play down or skirt around how desperately sad I have been; instead I emphasize how much happier I am now. I emphasize the work I had to do to get to a better place, and how it was hard work and fruitful work, and how I empowered myself by doing it. I usually focus on how I regained control and an enthusiasm for living (‘Nice one, mate!’), not on how I lost it. That is the last of my defensiveness.

I remember doing an interview with the New York Times where the interviewer asked me why my childhood was painful, and how I got to such a dark place in my late twenties. I told him, ‘You know, other kids, bullying, etc.’ – and instantly regretted my brevity. He said something like, ‘Right, so a pretty standard childhood then.’

Fuck. After all this public talk of depression and anxiety, and many albums of expressed pain, I felt exposed as a fraud, but I was relieved not to have shown my cards and revealed how pathetic and weak I must have been when I was younger. Maybe he was right. He’d probably been through worse and wasn’t complaining about it.

I picked up a resentment towards other people from school. My parents were very loving and supportive and, unusually for my generation, still together. I went to school completely unequipped to deal with certain kids who were taking their fractured and in some cases abusive home lives out on me. I know that now. I was ‘too sensitive’, and I never learned how to act. I was a baby who’d been kept away from germs, and now I was getting ill from anything and everything. (I should say now that I have many happy memories of childhood, especially of my parents and of certain friends who I could count on, and that my inability to focus on those positives probably didn’t help.)

During my school years I spent thousands of hours walking on my own with headphones on or playing piano in the practice rooms, often going there first to cry in private and then occasionally with a mind to play. I was addicted to video games from the age of twelve, rarely going out to socialize. I had a few ‘best’ friends over the years who, looking back, I didn’t know well. But I’m grateful for having had them.

I put girls on pedestals and worshipped them, but only ever remained their friend. I fell in love many times and it was never reciprocated. I had no automatic right to them of course, but they kept me around for years and allowed me to be bullied and humiliated by their friends, accidentally betraying me out of awkwardness. I resented their understandable, youthful inability to know what to do with a sensitive boy who made them laugh and feel good about themselves, but whose body they did not want.

Boys would see my sensitivity as weakness and, while I was sharp and quick-witted, I wasn’t sporty, which was my first mistake with them, I think. Again, I didn’t know how to act. I wondered for years whether I had some behaviour disorder. I still wonder. In any case, year upon year of capricious bullying and humiliation followed.

These feelings of betrayal, persecution and rejection I kept to myself. In the crude gender stereotypes I was aware of at that age, I thought I had the sensitivity of a female but in a male’s body. I joked my way through it and made sure nobody ever saw me cry. I remained a virgin until the age of twenty-two, because I was awkward and unable to be natural around women. I was afraid of the vulnerability of sex after so many embarrassing attempts at it. (The song ‘Assume Form’ is, in part, about finding the ability to feel safe during intimacy.) It seemed to me that it had taken my success as a DJ for women to pursue me, and then I distrusted them for their sudden, transparent interest, so I pushed them all away. Slowly the face of every woman morphed into the faces of the girls who I felt had betrayed and humiliated me. And the face of every man became a bully who would underestimate me and try to kill my spirit.

Becoming relatively famous, my persecution complex turned into a self-serving narcissism, and my obsession with proving my worth to people who’d underestimated me was now being rewarded financially. To those ends, my first emotional language – music – had been the vehicle. I wanted to show everyone what they’d missed out on for all those years.

To some extent I succeeded in that, but I became so self-obsessed and isolated that I wasn’t the success I seemed to be on paper. And so the chasm grew between my alias – the guy with the ‘Pitchfork best new music 8.0+’, with the uncompromising and flourishing career, who seemed in control of everything – and the man-child who for many years was hurting, spiralling, never leaving the house, wasting away in an ego prison, refusing to collaborate, allowing himself to be bled financially and taken advantage of by his friends and their extended family, playing video games and smoking weed fourteen hours a day and not taking any care of himself what-so-ever until he was in a black depression, experiencing daily panic attacks, hallucinations and an existential crisis. I was asking questions like ‘What is the point of me?’ and saying I didn’t want to live. I became afraid of the growing fog of war outside my house because of what I knew people expected of me if I entered it: a normal interaction and, even more impossible, a new album.

I wanted people to know how I felt, but I didn’t have the vocabulary to tell them. I have gone into a bit of detail here not to make anyone feel sorry for me, but to show how a privileged, relatively rich-and-famous-enough-for-zero-pity white man could become depressed, against all societal expectations and allowances. If I can be writing this, clearly it isn’t only oppression that causes depression; for me it was largely repression.

I’m still not sure I fully believe I am entitled to be depressed or sad at all, because I’m white and cisgender and male, and life for people like me is undoubtedly the easiest of any group. But my privilege didn’t make me want to stick around, and it makes me feel even more embarrassed for having let myself go.

When the delusional mental force field of whiteness finally popped (the ‘psychosis’ of whiteness, as Kehinde Andrews puts it, which most white people are still experiencing – I was still able to reap the now obvious benefits of being white, straight and male but without the subconscious ability to ignore my responsibility to the marginalized), I started having the uncomfortable but rational thought that my struggle was actually comparatively tiny, and that any person of colour or member of the LGBTQ+ community could feasibly have been through exactly the same thing and then much, much more on top of that. A plate stacked until it was almost unmanageable. For me it became embarrassing to mention my child’s portion of trauma and sadness.

Combining that thought with the normalized stigmatization of male musicians’ emotional expression in the media, I felt like I must be the ‘Sadboy Prince and the Pea’.

But my girlfriend verbally slapped some sense into me, saying it does not help anybody, least of all oneself, to compare pain. And that was good advice to hear from someone who’d been through what she has. I can only imagine how frustrating it was for this Pakistani woman to watch me – with all my advantages in life – self-sabotage and complain like I have. Fuck.

And then you look at the statistics: according to the Yale Global Health Review, ‘in 2015, the crude suicide rate [in the USA] for white non-Hispanic males aged 40 to 65 was 36.84 per 100,000 people – more than twice the rate in the general American population’. If it wasn’t already clear that we have more than enough representation, we’re huge in suicide too.

Given this, I think it’s worth examining why many privileged white men can end up feeling they have no legitimate claim to pain, and then never deal with what they can’t lay claim to.

Even while writing this I’m visited by the thought ‘Who even cares? There are much bigger problems in the world than white men who feel sad.’ (This is a bloody laughable thing to write your first piece on – get some perspective, arsehole, and put away your tiny violin.) But you know what? I’ll continue because I think we need to advance the conversation around mental health for everyone, and it’s the only experience I feel qualified to talk about.

From systemic toxic masculinity (‘Boys don’t cry’, basically) and an ostensibly homophobic fear of sensitivity being beer-bonged into us by our friends, family and the media from as early as we can remember (‘Chug, chug, chug!’) to the slow realization as we get older that the world is actually stacked towards our success, we end up thinking that our individual psychological decline is shameful.

I believe it is psychologically dangerous for our egos to be built up as much as they are; for the importance of success to be so great; for the world to open its doors more to us than to others (most of us willfully ignore that those advantages exist, though we feel them deep down, and subconsciously know that it is unfair and that we must capitalize on them).

It is dangerous for us to be made to feel we can do anything and be anything, to gain an understanding of women as a resource rather than a lesson in empathy and love – and then find in all our capitalistic and egoistic fervour that we have neglected to take care of that other muscle that enables our survival: the mind.

I for one felt like Donald Trump, starting with $413 million and ending up broke and lying about my tax records. Maybe then it’s no surprise that so many disaffected white men identify so deeply with him. (It should be noted that I absolutely don’t.) That and our shared love of doing anything we want and saying whatever we like without consequence to ourselves.

That shared love has rightly led to a debate about what white males are entitled to say and do. I believe we’re entitled to no more than anybody else, which at this point requires a lot of listening and rebalancing. I also believe everybody is entitled to pain, no matter how perceptibly or relatively small that pain is. I don’t want the shame around depression and anxiety in privileged people to become worse any more than I want it for the marginalized. Because without addressing that pain we end up with more cis-gendered white male egomaniacs who bleed their shit on to everybody (and some of them will write albums about it).

James Blake's essay is from It's Not Ok To Feel Blue (And Other Lies), a collection of writing about mental health, curated by Scarlett Curtis.

[speckeh]

Speckeh’s 2018 Book List

It’s 2018! Last year my book list was a decent size but I didn’t read a lot of sparkling novels! So this year I’m focusing on decent books with the occasional textbook thrown in!

1. Cappiello: The Posters of Leonetto Cappiello: 5/5 stars. I haven’t had time to sleep more than 8 hours let alone time to breathe to read book this semester. I’ve never been busier which has been a nice experience, but boy do I miss reading books! I found this at Tuesday Morning 40% off and it’s huge and beautiful and needed it. I love this book! Cappiello has a wonderful drawing style. He draws multiple body shapes, various commercial posters, and GINGERS. HE DRAWS SO MANY BEAUTIFUL RED HAIRED LADIES. I’M SO FUCKING THRILLED. If you find this book hella cheap and have the shelf space for it, it’s a great art book to have! 

2. The Elements of Rhetoric - How to Write and Speak Clearly: 4/5 stars. This is for my Proposal Writing and Development class. Everything this book states, I’ve already read or learned about in Argument Writing during summer last year so nothing really jumps out as me as amazing or eye opening. The writer does some relevant story telling with the different styles of rhetoric to use and how to use them effectively, but it’s not the greatest read. I’ll probably keep it as it’s a great little book for quick glossary terms or brushing up on information. If this is your jam, this might be a cheap book you can add to your academic shelf!

3-4. Kamisama Darling Vol 1 and 2: 5/5 stars. 

5. Namae mo Shiranai Machiawase 4/5 stars

6. Star Trek Cats: 5/5 stars. I hung out with one of my quickly growing best friends yesterday and I saw this book when we were in the humor section. My heart MELTED. I read this as B&N and even though it’s short, I needed to buy it. It’s one of my favorite art humor books I’ve flipped through recently. It’s full of episode jokes and just fucking ADORABLE cats that make the weirdest faces.

7. The Prophet: 5/5 stars. Another book I bought with one of my best friends. It was recommended to me by the really nice (and very sweet) worker there who complimented me on my outfit. I was going to ask we could trade numbers and hang out and gain a new friend from her, but she was very busy. Anyways. The friend I was with told me he absolutely loved this book and it spoke to him on a spiritual level. And I have to agree. Having been raised in a mormon household and then realizing I was hella queer and questioned E V E R Y T H I N G about organized religions, this book was excellent. Because The Prophet isn’t any certain religion, he’s just giving people a way of life and he never condemns anyone or anything. The Prophet and the Siddhartha are essentially my religion. The whole belief there is no “set path” for a religious life and happy ending, that no one is right and no one is wrong in their religion, and that it depends on how you treat others and how you service others but also how you serve yourself. An excellent read for the beginning of the year for me. 

8. The Non-Profit Narrative: 2/5 stars. It’s the same for the Elements of Rhetoric book I read, I’ve read all of these terms before in my nonprofit management class so nothing was very new or interesting to me. I skipped through 70% of the book. If you want a short, short ass book on how to run nonprofits and social media, this is a great little read. If you’re already familiar with the contexts of nonprofit, don’t waste your money. 

9. When The Body Says No: 5/5 stars. This book is.. just wow. This is the first time I have ever marked up my own personal book with highlights, pens, and pencils. I only ever do it to copied school books on computer paper. It’s no secret I’ve been going to a counselor off and on since I’ve been 13. And I’ve seen and confronted death for a long time. I’m very traumatized from my experiences and I have a lot of issues I don’t really deal with. My counselor told me to read this book because I am the post child of when your body says no for you when you can’t. And I am. It’s.. amazing how well he knows me and my experiences I’ve been through. I learned amazing facts about myself how my childhood forced me into emotional repression, that children who lose a parent before 17 are 40% more likely to develop cancer, that the underlying stress of never being able to say no to your family because you don’t want to disappoint them causes a turmoil in your body that can turn deadly. If you have anger issues, stress disorders, genetic diseases, autoimmune disease, any sort of illness you developed later as an adult, read this book. Because I promise you, you’ll find something about you you never knew about.

10. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao: 3/5 stars. This was a book I had to read for my intro to English literature class (I’m changing emphasis so I have to take more entry level classes BLEGH). While I did devour this book so fast, I wasn’t particularly impressed with this book. I guess I’m kind of sick of the narrative of “geeky boy is a virgin and hates himself and the world,” and people around him either patting his back or deciding to take it upon themselves to fix him, no matter what cultural background they are. While I’m thrilled I could read about a Dominican cultural and have a non-white narrative and characters, this book didn’t sparkle to me. Maybe it’s because this book wasn’t written for me, or maybe I don’t really care for Diaz’s writing style. Either way I barely earned a 3 stars from me.

11. Pictures of the Gone World: 4.5/5 Stars I bought this book at a liquidation sale. I either find amazing poetry books at random, or duds. Luckily this was a fantastic one that held a lot of elements I love in poems: historical themes and humor. He helped pushing and defend one of my new favorite poets, Allen Ginsberg so you know I have mad respect for him. This was his first poetry book and he quickly became famous in the beat poetry world. Compared to other poets, he’s definitely a easier one to get into for beginners but the words still hold beauty and harsh truths. Definitely a great way to introduce yourself to beatnik poetry!

12. I Capture The Castle: 5/5 stars. Do you ever pick up a book that’s been calling to you for ages and by the fifth page in you know you have a new best friend? I’m not one for first person narratives, it takes a special way of writing it to keep my interest. I Capture The Castle with repressed and writer’s voice of a 40 year old woman from 17 year old Cassandra just melted my heart. I have a soft spot for Dodie Smith and she won me over with this book. From the beautiful scenery of a decaying castle, to a 17 year old’s first encounter with love, it’s just so so captivating. it hasn’t been since the Shadow of the Wind that my heart literally raced and I couldn’t read fast enough to know what happened next. And the last sentence of Cassandra’s journal of “I love you, I love you, I love you,” keeps playing over and over in my head. If you want to get lost in a old English castle and a young girl’s narrative, you will not regret picking this book up. 

13. A Concise History of Hawai’i: 3/5 Stars. I’ve always wanted to know about my birth state since we moved away when I was too young to remember anything. I’ve always been called a island girl and have had a fascination with water. I stopped being interested in calling Hawai’i my birth state because I was so young and my family memories are bitter sweet. But I finally returned to Hawai’i in May 2016, and I was shocked to feel like I was Home. I’ve been missing Hawai’i like crazy and have been trying to read this book forever. I bought it on my trip there. Well I finished it. It was pretty interesting, it’s concise, and quick and I learned a lot. But the book also brings up an important question.Can a white man write about a cultural history on Hawai’i? I’m not sure and I was somewhat bothered by that question throughout the book so that dampened my star rating. I feel like a history of Hawai’i would be so different and way more vibrating if a Native Hawaiian had written it. But, if you want a general and quick history of Hawai’i from the formation to 1999, it’s a decent read.

14. Wyoming Poems 1994: 5/5 Stars. I really like this short poetry book. It’s only 26 poems and all about Wyoming and the life there. It’s from 1995 so you know it’s more of a modern take on Wyoming. Definitely a great little book. Really debating on joining the Wyoming Writer’s mailing list ahah!!

15-21: Various Manga. between 3-5/5 stars.

22. Secret Garden: 10 minutes classics: 2/5 stars. I love the Secret Garden. It’s one of my top 5 books of all time in my life and will always be in the top 5. The 10 minute classic books is great for a reader wanting a short synopsis of the Secret Garden and it has lovely pictures, but it really loses the magic, the world building, and the characters’ relationships in just 10 minutes. I’ll probably keep the book just because of lovely pictures, but it was a let down!

23. Lovers Legends: The Gay Greek Myths. 4/5 stars. My love for reading and history can be pinpointed exactly to D’Aubaires’ Book of Greek Myths. It planted the seeds of my career ambitions, the types of research I love to conduct, and the person who I am. I always knew the Greeks were more gay than society teaches children, but this book really paints it simple for you. First off, it uses a poem by one of my favorites Allen Grinsberg, and then the author reiterates the gay greek myths in clear and easy stories, and shows how they all connect. The symposium style chapters were long and tedious and I ended up skipping them, and the book really only has 110 pages of stories with the next 80+ being sources, research, and a bibliography. Either way, love me some truth bomb gay ass greek myth!!

24. Colonel Brandon’s Diary: 4/5 Stars. I’m a sucker for Austen continuations or different perspectives. It comes from a personal reason from childhood memories with one of my parents. I’ve read 2 other of Amanda Grange’s diaries of Austen men. Brandon is not my favorite Austen hero and while the book I liked him enough, he doesn’t sparkle as much as say Knightley for me. I’m sure as I get older I may like him more, but for now it was nice to read a 300 page version of Sense and Sensibility that is a great companion novel for like.. better spark notes. If you need a quick summer read to last you a day or two, I highly suggest Amanda Grange’s books! (Except for Pride and Prejudice and Pyramids. That was just… bad)

25. Reunion by Fred Uhlman 5/5 Stars: I really started to enjoy World War II stories, but fictional ones about non-American centric stories. Reunion is a beautiful, fast read, about a teenaged Jewish boy who meets a handsome and captivating Lord’s son at his school. It really is about a first love. Hans is obsessed with Konradin; he thinks he’s handsome, educated, and lonely like him. The two go off on trips, Konradin often comes to his house, they read poetry and discuss coins together. It’s very easy to think of Konradin and Hans sharing firsts. It’s a beautiful little story that wrenched my gut with the very last line, and the descriptions had me drawing little scenes in the book. If you have 3-4 hours to spare, this is a great read if you can get it.

26. Instructions to a Young Bookseller: 5/5 Stars. As someone hoping to enter the book world after graduating University, this was a great little read. Obviously any sort of written conference has an edge of boring to it. But the book is full of gem quotes and advice that can be used for anything and not just young booksellers. If you’re able to find this book (most likely in the Heffer bookstore at Cambridge) give it a read. It’s a short 46 pages but a great way to pass the time and to give you advice that transcends passed 1933.

27. Among the Janeites: 2/5 Stars. I wasn’t impressed with this book, which is a shame because I desperately wanted to like this book. I loved when Yaffe described and told the stories of her fellow Janeites, but I really couldn’t stand her narration. I don’t know if it’s because I’m annoyed by the “I’m an elite Jane Austen fan because of these reasons” or I just don’t like the way she writes her narratives. Sometimes, you just don’t clash well with a author. I applaud her efforts to write this book, but I have to admit I was disappointed that she admitted she only focused on white North American Jane Austen fans. What a waste!! How amazing would it have been to have read more diverse fans? Hear about their efforts, their stories? Instead I found myself reading some of the same stories over and over again. I didn’t even finish the last two chapters because everything was the same rhythm and nothing was interesting any more. I wanted to put down the book many times, but found I couldn’t whenever I read the stories of those who did amazing things with their Jane Austen passions. But other than that, kind of disappointed I brought this book on my trip to England. :/

28. Tea with Mr. Rochester: 4/5 Stars. Sometimes a collection of short stories takes me awhile to read, this was not one of those!! I have had my eye on this book from Persephone’s for at least 2 years now, and I finally got to go to the shop two weeks ago! I really enjoy the literary metaphors and the descriptions are beautiful, but Towers has a way of writing that has you go: “..did.. did I skip a page?” Often the story would jump and you would feel confused of where the characters are now, how much time had passed, and how did these two characters meet. The lack of background, time, and setting is discombobulating, but not too distracting from enjoying it! If you have the pleasure of going to Persephone’s Book, definitely give this book a try!

29. For Your Eyes Only: 4/5 stars. I think I’m now a little more than halfway done with the original James Bond series! For Your Eyes Only is very different as these are short stories. Some of them are action pact while others are Bond at dinner parties listening to stories. It was an entirely new take and very interesting for sure! Some of the stories were hard to get through, slow, which is why I dropped it down to four stars, but a lot of them were really fun. I especially loved Quantum of Solace which explained the title and now I’m wanting to rewatch the film now knowing the definition of the phrase. I can tell that Ian Flemming is now aware of his homoerotic writing with James Bond and is starting to cut it out, which is a real shame since they’re so beautiful. But his obsession with eating eggs for nearly every meal is back which made me happy! I’ll have to see in the next book if the homoeroticness comes back!

30. This One Summer: 4/5 stars. Ranted and raved about since the debut of this comic, with one of my favorite illustrators who drew SuperMutant Magic Academy, an awarded comic! And I can’t help but feel disappointed in the story. I know this is directed at teens and if I had read this when I was between 13-16 it would have BLOWN my mind. Now at 23, this isn’t the most poignant story. I think it’s important for teens but it isn’t really for me. I’ll probably gift this comic to my friend Ramona because I think she will like this comic a lot. But for me it’s just.. beautiful artwork. But nothing much more than that. 

31. The Alchemist: 3/5 stars The Alchemist was suggested to me by my BFF and my other friend told me he hated it. I’m in between. While I understand why some people absolutely LOVE this book and I appreciate that the author had a passion for his story and didn’t settle for rejection, I think the story is lacking a lot of magic and luster it could have had. It’s kind of like a book trying to follow after The Little Prince in an Arabic/South American story with a christian spin to it. I enjoyed reading it and experiencing a well loved story, but I gave it to another friend and I kind of regret buying it from a story and not borrowing it from a library.

32. Omae no Koi wa Ore no Mono: 5/5 stars. Good manga. Lovely characters. Story is good. I enjoyed it thoroughly!

33. The Fall of America: 4/5 stars. Allen Ginsberg is my second favorite poet right behind Billy Collins. After reading Howl and falling in love with everything, this book was a let down. A lot of the poems were loooong run ons that seemed to forget what he was trying to talk about. My favorites were when he was un-ashamedly GAY and talking about sucking cock and having sex with guys, and a very real Vietnam war poem, but the rest was very on the fence. If I didn’t love him so much I would have skipped a lot of the poems in this book. But I also know this is a similar complaint from other readers. It’s hard to follow after such a massive success and nationally known poetry book of Howl, but he did his best. Not all of your own poems will be sparkling and rich in something new and world opening. 

34-36. Various Manga: 34 5/5 stars, 35 4/5 stars, 36 4/5 stars. 

37. Twisted Romance Volume 1: 2/5 stars. While some of the stories were beautiful and drawn amazing, I felt like the collection was disjointed and didn’t go very well. It was weird to have a comic book also be split up between stories with a written novel. I’m sure this would be someone’s cup of tea, but not mine.

38. My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness: 4/5 stars. My dear friend Ramona put the first and second novel in front of me to read while we spent like 4 hours at Barnes and Noble today. It was super fun to be with my sweet sweet friend and just, decompress. I read this book and so much of it I could relate to. Not only am I a Queer female, but I also struggle with mental health, depression, and feelings of abandoning my mother. Not to mention being touch starved. But I docked it down from a perfect score because Kabi’s narrative was so frustrating. That never ending cycle of getting so close and then self-sabotaging herself is so frustrating and makes me mad. I put the book back after I finished reading it, and then decided I had to buy it at the last moment. 

39. My Solo Exchange Diary (Sexual to My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness) Vol 2: 3/5 stars. Unlike the first book, this was even more frustrating and was hard for me to be empathetic to her. Someone who obviously struggled hard with her mental health and struggle against her parents, I felt like her Solo Exchange Diary was just an excuse to not do what she wanted. I didn’t think Kabi grew much between the two volumes which is super disappointing. As a reader you want her to be better. Though when she mentioned how her happiness is tied to abandoning her mom, OOFFFF. THAT SURE IS MEEE. 

40. Close Range: 2/5 stars. I actually stopped reading this book entirely. I started off reading the Brokeback Mountain story in this anthology, and it hooked me! Sadly, the rest of the stories didn’t capture me as much as BM. Eventually the characters bled to be the same: stoic, struggling with family, very Wyoming. That was it. It was all men, white men who struggle to be “men” and then proceed to do stupid shit/hurtful things that you want them to die over. I lost interest and I’m sad because I wanted to love this collection, but I couldn’t do it anymore. 

41. Bond By Design: 5/5 Stars.  Back in 2016, Shennelly gave me a mini version of this book and for Christmas last year I got the full version. It’s fascinating to see the drawing progression and what the art team focuses on drawing. It’s a shame to see the Daniel Craig films not having as much hand drawn art, but they were created more in the era of computer art and less relying on storyboard sketches. Needless to say, it was pretty awesome to see all the thumbnails and knowing a lot of them came to life in the films I watched! P.s. I went to the museum and Turner painting features in Skyfall over the summer! 

42. The Hobbit Comic: 4/5 stars.  This is a comic I’ve had on my shelf before I started uni so around 3-4 years it’s been sitting on my shelf waiting to be read. I picked it up because I was going on a car trip and I wanted something light and easy for the 4 1/2 hours it took to reach our destination. While the art was awesome, this was not a light read. It felt like reading the Hobbit all over again with how exact dialogue and scenes were written out. And I docked this comic down a star because I felt like I would be so overwhelmed by the reading I couldn’t enjoy the art. That’s a big problem with direct story comics. They’re so much dialogue and story they want to use, they don’t realize how tedious it becomes for a reader. Other than that, if you’re a die hard LOTR fan, this is a great edition fo the Hobbit to have! 

43. The Adventure Zone - There Be Gerblins! 5/5 stars. I started listening to The Good Brothers after Percy told me to back at the end of 2016. I started to their The Adventure Zone podcast right before my trip to Norway. I have great memories of listening to the first 3 adventures, nodding off on the plane, during down time at our various hotels, on the way back home, desperately trying to download as many possible while I had wifi. I love TAZ and so when they announced a comic book a year ago, I’ve been waiting ever since! It isn’t a let down! Where the Hobbit had issues with too much dialogue, TAZ There be Gerblins didn’t run into that issue! Also I love that even though the characters have never been officially designed, there was opportunity for diversity, AND THEY DID A TON OF DIVERSITY. Also the Director was exactly how I envisioned her and that made me so fucking happy. Please support the good boys and buy the comic if you like it!

44. Monstress Vol 3: 5/5 stars. While the art is dynamic, the plot hella feminist, interesting, so many cool female characters! The plot is still confusing volume 3 in. I might have reread the other two before reading the 3rd since it has been a year since I’ve read the book. But the darkness and “real” themes of disabilities and responsibilities is just great!

45. The White Cat: and two other stories: 5/5 stars. The art for this children’s fairytale book is gorgeous. Though some of the pictures feel like they’re a few pages behind or ahead of the events that actually happened. But JEEZ you guys! These are some fucking dark stories. A cat behead, Jack the Giant Killer, Rip Van Winkle just being lazy as FUCK. We don’t get children’s stories like this. It was an awesome edition I found that was originally 30 dollars that was for sale for 5 dollars due to a liquidation sale. It’s great. 

46. The Young Visitors or Mr. Salteena’s Plan: 5/5 stars. The Young Visitors is such a treat. I first found my copy in England in a discount shelf and loved the frayed pink cover with interesting illustrations. And then at another going out of business sale, I found a red cover and bought it without thinking much of it. I absolute LOVE this book. This story is written by a 9 year old Daisy with the themes of a true Victorian novel. An older man chasing after a young woman who falls in love with a rich young man and the older man cries at his defeat. It’s an excellent little read that is amazing from being written in 1919! I have plans to eventually see the manuscript in the museum it’s held in! I’m using my second copy as a lend out to my friends to make sure they’ve read this story!

47. What Makes My Cat Purr? : 5/5 stars My friend bought this for me at an antique mall because it melted my heart. Reasons why little kittens purr???? Mostly because you show them love??? UHHH HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS NOVEL?

48. Sock Monkey - The Glass Knob: 4/5 Stars. Sock Monkey and his friends ned to replace the door handle with glass and a random assortments. Silly, but sweet.

49. The Paper Doll Wedding: 4/5 Stars. Fun. That’s all. 

50. Spot’s Favorite Colors: 4/5 Stars. Bought this for my nephew. We used to have matching cards with this!

51. That’s Not My Dinosaur: 4/5 Stars. For my nephew! He loooves it. Touch and feel.

52. The Mitten: 5/5 Stars. This book was read to us each winter in elementary school. I bought it for my nephew!

53. Toot: 4/5 Stars. For my nephew! A book about farts!

54. Erte Art: 4/5 Stars. Erte’s art which was dazzling and seemed to be something from the 2000s rather than the 1900s. Loved the different designs of his work and that he included women of color and not just white models throughout his work!

55. Sea Prayer: 4/5 Stars. Everyone was ranting and raving about the poetry, but I love the watercolors. It was an impactful story, but I felt the story was a bit rushed. Over all beautiful.

56. The Prince and the Dressmaker: 5/5 Stars. I’ve had this comic book in my shopping cart for a year! I finally asked for it at B&N and bit the bullet. UHMMMM. GORGEOUS. 

57. HeartStopper Vol. 1: 5/5 Stars. UHM WOW. I funded this on kickstarter without really knowing much about the comic. It then sat on my shelf for a couple of months and a friend, randomly, asked me if I read it. I finally read it and goooood, I loooooved it!!!

58. Fuddles: 3/5 stars. A fat cat gets out of the house and lost, I hated it but loved the illustration.

59. Birdsong: 5/5 Stars. All the different birds and songs they sing, silly, fun. 

60. Santa’s Snow Cat: 4/5 Stars. A silly Christmas story about how Santa loses his most beloved cat in New York. 

61. The Tiger: 5/5 Stars. A dialogue-less comic about a tiger in the jungle, living its life, trying to hunt prey (unsuccessfully), and other predators. Beautiful art, I would recommend!

62. The Angel’s Game: 2.5/5 stars. Sadly, this is the second time I’ve been disappointed by Carlos. Angel’s game had a slow start. A writer being worked to death by underpaying publishers until he develops a brain tumor. He meets a mysterious man after much travesty and agrees to write him a book with no money as an issue. But as the story progresses, the narrator becomes distressed and stupid to discover the truth. He loses so much, and by the end of the book it feels like a bad fever dream. It really seems the hype after Shadow of the Wind is so hard to defeat. Hopefully his newest, final, and largest book in the quad series will be like the first. Let’s hope it’s not like the middl two!

63: Ore no Omawarisan: 5/5 stars

64: Goriyou wa Keikakuteki ni: 4/5 stars. 

65. The Shotgunner: 3/5 stars. As I was trying to compile my favorites of 2018, I realized I completely missed three books?? Shotgunner was finished the last day of 2018 and I think I was just totally exhausted from everything. The book was extremely silly but fast paced. A man wanted for murder runs back to his home town to find his brother has been murdered and his widow (an old fling)  needs his help to get out of town. It doesn’t end how you think it would and it seemed to move in a very fast paced way. It wasn’t my favorite western book I’ve read, but it certainly had layers to it I wasn’t expecting!

[lobsters-on-their-heads]

Cont. Travels of Cophine, Part 2.3

Tunisia.

Link for the entire work here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/13525500

They arrived in Sousse in the afternoon, their last stop in Tunisia and the end of their Francophone African experience. If everything went well here, they would be in Libya in a few days, and Egypt after that. Cosima's energy level was partially recovered and the sinus headaches were gone, but she still had frequent coughing fits, and her voice cracked every couple of words. She now spent her time propping up Delphine, who insisted that she wasn't really all that sick.

“Delphine, I love you,” Cosima said, “but your eyes haven't opened completely for, like, two days. Your voice is an octave lower, and your sneezes have woken the dead. You are fucking sick.”

Delphine fell back on her bed beside Cosima. In Tunis they'd gotten a queen sized bed in their room, which was great at first, but a lot less appealing when both of them tossed and turned the whole night. Here in Sousse, they were back to separate twins, and neither of them had the energy to even comment on it.

“Okay,” Delphine said, “I'm sick. Are you happy now?”

“No. I just want you to stop pretending that you're fine. I want you to take care of yourself. I mean, I'm happy taking care of you, but you're not letting me do that, and you're pushing yourself too hard.”

As if to prove Cosima's point, Delphine rolled over to check the little beep her phone just made. “Dr. N'Jikam wants to postpone our meeting until Wednesday.” She pinched the bridge of her nose.

“And you don't have to be at the clinic until Wednesday morning, either, so tomorrow we can focus on getting rest, yeah? Maybe check out that sauna they're supposed to have.” With the chilly weather outside and the lack of heat in the hotel room, spending the day at a nice 180 degrees fahrenheit had a certain appeal.

“Mmm... maybe. We still have a lot of arrangements to make.”

Cosima rubbed her back through her sweater. “We do. But we're not going to help anybody if you're not healthy. So you need to rest. That's what you told me the other day!”

“I can't sleep, I've told you.”

The night before, Delphine had apparently been awake for five hours while Cosima slept like a log. She'd drifted off for an hour or so on the ride into Sousse, but good sleep still aluded her. “Take some more NyQuil,” Cosima said. “Or I'll get the bar downstairs to make you a nice hot toddy.”

She shook her head. “Then I'll be hung over all morning. Is there any tea?”

Cosima checked the little complimentary beverage station near the ironing board. “Um... yes, but it all looks caffeinated.”

“Then no.”

Another coughing fit hit Cosima then, doubling her over as she pounded on her chest. The pounding never helped, but it was better than doing nothing. Once it subsided, she straightened back up and fumbled around for some more water. Delphine stayed on her bed, watching her.

“Have you tried the throat spray again?”

“Um, no.”

“Maybe you should. It would numb your throat and...”

“It would make me vomit again. No thanks.”

“You might've done it wrong.”

Naturally, Delphine was able to use the throat spray with no problems at all. Cosima added it to the list of things Delphine did effortlessly.

Cosima picked up her purse and wrapped her scarf around her neck again. “If I did, I'm not willing to risk doing it wrong again. But I will get some more cough syrup. And some more tea.”

Delphine propped herself up on her elbows to return Cosima's kiss. “Can you get some soup, too?”

“Yup. Soup, syrup, and tea. I'll be back soon, love.”

Delphine nodded and sank back down.

* * *

They tried the sauna the next day, but found it packed with Scandinavian women who all knew each other and laughed too loudly at everything each of them said. Cosima got some tea loaded with valerian root and lemon balm, and Delphine drank mug after mug of it while Cosima did their laundry in the hotel's facilities and brought containers of brik and fricassé from the vendors across the street. In the evening, they drank more tea and watched the Arabic dubbing of Downton Abbey on the hotel television.

On Wednesday it rained, the first time since they'd arrived in North Africa. Cosima sat at the bar in the hotel's restaurant and watched it fall in sheets over the cars and cyclists and old men in traditional burnouses hustling around with newspapers over their heads. It was just after noon, almost time for midday prayers, when the locals on the street would clear off for a moment but the tourists in the restaurant would stay. She knew these things now. She was also starting to forget that she hadn't always dropped the “h” sound in “hotel.”

The restaurant was packed. Most of these tourists were here for the promise of a sunny beach-side vacation in a relatively progressive Arab country, the lone gunman attack of a few years ago now a distant memory. The rain, however, put the beach off limits. The business men were here too, but in fewer numbers than in Tunis or Algiers. Cosima wondered how many tourists would be in Tripoli.

Delphine was supposed to be back by now. The clone here in Sousse had been easy to find, unlike the one in Tunis who'd gotten married and changed her name since the Leda List was compiled. Cosima double checked the time and confirmed that this clone's appointment had been for 10:30, and then she texted Delphine.

Everything okay?

While she waited for a reply, she scrolled through her Facebook feed, finding very little that was new since that morning. Alison posted pictures of a black forest cheesecake from all angles; Cosima's mother posted memes that she thought were hilarious and Cosima had seen ten years ago; Scott cracked science jokes; her father ranted about Republicans. Same old, same old. She thought about reading the news, but she'd done that earlier and had no desire to repeat the experience. She was nervous enough about going to Libya without reading that the country was “mired in chaos” and ruled by “men with guns.” She wanted to keep her worries confined to the language barrier.

“Anything else?” The bartender gestured to her empty tea cup.

“Yeah. Another one. Thank you. Merci. Shukraan (شكرا.)”

He gave her an indulgent smile and got her more hot water and some fresh tea.

Instagram yielded no new results, either. Five of the Ledas were hyper active there, posting so many photos of their personal lives that Cosima felt closer to them than to most of her own cousins at this point, and was becoming personally invested in the little drama that was brewing in the love life of one of the Austrian sisters. All total, Cosima tracked 33 Ledas through Instagram and 34 on Twitter, 11 of which were on both. None so far had symptoms of clone disease that they were sharing on social media, though the Leda in Cape Town, South Africa, did seem to have a worrying rash on her torso that had nothing to do with being a clone, but probably with a swimming in the ocean.

Her phone buzzed. Difficult patient. Delphine said.

Cosima arched an eyebrow. That could mean many things. And?

A reply wasn't immediately forthcoming, and Cosima rubbed her face to keep from swearing. The restaurant was loud enough that she might've gotten away with it, but it was better not to risk it, even surrounded by foreigners. She tried to look out the window but a man pushed up to the bar and blocked the view. He was tall and broad, wearing what Cosima called the “I yell at my family in public” uniform.

“Hey!” he shouted. “Can we get a table, please? We've been waiting fifteen minutes!”

Cosima rolled her eyes and went back to her phone. No reply from Delphine, but another cake picture from Alison on Facebook – red velvet this time.

She pulled up Twitter and perked up again. A clone from southern California they hadn't made contact with yet finally posted something. She was in Cambodia, it turned out, and she had a long thread about politics and southeast Asian history that was actually quite fascinating. And then Delphine replied to her text.

Still trying.

“Still trying? That doesn't help, Delphine.” She tapped out her response. Do you need anything? Can I help?

She'd been at the bar for over an hour. She could have been up in their room, working on her thesis, or napping, or masturbating, or catching up on her reading. But Delphine had asked her to be here, to meet her after her 10:30 appointment at the clinic, because she was bringing one of her contacts from MSF, and this was an Important Contact. Cosima was wearing her nice shirt, for fuck's sake, and she'd ironed her pants. They were going to eat lunch together, their treat for this Important Contact, so Cosima had not eaten since 8:30 that morning.

She typed some more. Do you have an ETA?

Three minutes later, as she watched the loud man yell at his son for touching the floral arrangement on the table they'd finally gotten, her phone buzzed. Her excitement faded when she saw it was just an email from her mother.

Cosima,

Here's that dress company I told you about, based out of the City, very social-justice and queer oriented and I think right up your alley. It's pricey but we'd be happy to help you out if....

She closed the message without finishing it. “I am not dress shopping online, goddamn it,” she muttered. “How many times do I have to f.... ugh. Mother.” She rubbed her face again and checked the time.

12:40 pm. Five minutes since her last message to Delphine, and more than two hours since the appointment at the clinic started.

A bearded man in a West Virginia University sweatshirt sat down beside her, apologized when he brushed against her knee, and placed his order with the bar tender in Arabic. Once the bartender left, he laced his fingers together and turned to Cosima. “Heckuva weather we're having, yeah?”

“Yup. Sure is.”

“You know, I been coming here for ten years, and I swear this is the first time I've seen it rain.”

“Hm.”

He tapped the bar top. “Are those dreads you've got?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so! They look good!” He turned a little on his stool to face her more. “Usually white girls can't pull those off, but yours look really good!”

“Thank you.” She checked her phone again. 12:45, and no new messages.

“Can I ask, if you don't mind, what you did to make 'em stay so well? Like, my cousin tried dreads, and she's as white as me, and her hair stank!” He laughed and bumped into her knee again. “Like, it was just straight up matted and shit. What's your secret?”

She drained her tea and looked him in the eye. “I've been genetically engineered.”

He chortled. “Okay. Fair enough. I shouldn't have asked; I'm sorry.”

Cosima raised her eyebrows and did not respond. The bartender came with his order then – a steaming bowl of stew with a side of bread and a bottle of beer. The stew smelled amazing, and she still hadn't gotten any messages from Delphine, so she called the bartender back over and ordered a bowl for herself. While she waited, the cups of tea crept up on her and she slid off to the ladies' room, leaving her coat on the stool, pockets empty.

While she peed, she texted Delphine again. Is everything okay over there?

The clinic was on the same block as their hotel, and Cosima would have gone there herself an hour ago if they weren't terrified of accidental clone meet ups.

She also finished her mother's email about that dress shop in San Fransisco, which, Sally was keen to point out, also did tailoring for suits. Great.

Back at the bar, Cosima's coat was still there, along with her food and a fresh cup of tea. The WVU man was wrapped up in conversation with a guy to his left, thankfully, and now there was a different customer to Cosima's right – a woman with short wavy black hair, wearing a collared white shirt. As she walked towards her own seat, Cosima glanced down at the woman's shoes. Sure enough, Keens, or Keens equivalents. Cosima's phone buzzed.

Yes was all Delphine had to say. No ETA, no other information. Cosima put her phone back in her purse.

“Excuse me,” she said as she squeezed in between the two other customers to sit down.

“Sure, no problem,” the woman said, smiling at her. The WVU man did not seem to notice her return. “I hope no one was sitting here?”

“Oh, no,” Cosima assured her. “You're fine.”

The soup was delicious, but spicier than she'd anticipated, so she got a glass of water and another serving of bread to help it go down. In minutes her sinuses opened up and she needed extra napkins, as well. The woman beside her got a salad and a glass of wine, and smiled at Cosima when she drained her water glass.

“A bit spicy, is it?” She was British, or Irish, judging by her accent.

Cosima nodded. The water helped, but her eyes watered and her nose ran, and it was a damn good thing she wasn't trying to look good right now. She thought of Delphine's MSF contact and checked her phone again. It was 1:10. No new messages. “Whatever.” She dropped it back in her purse and gave the rest of her soup her full attention. When she'd finished, she wiped the bowl with some more bread and finished her third glass of water. Beside her, the dark haired British woman watched her, sideways.

“I guess it was good,” the woman said.

“Yeah. Delicious.” She pointed to the half-full salad plate in front of her bar neighbor. “Yours wasn't?”

The other woman shrugged. “I keep forgetting that I don't like tomatoes. I order them every so often, thinking that some dish looks rather good, and then I eat one, and remember.”

Cosima smiled. “I'm like that with oysters and clams. Someone will rave about how good they are, and swear they've got a good recipe, but it's always like eating a snot ball out of a shell.”

The other woman laughed at that, throwing her head back and showing off her neck in the process. “That is such an apt way to put it! They really are nature's little snot balls, aren't they? Tell me, have you read Tipping the Velvet?”

If she hadn't suspected this woman was queer before, she sure did now. More than suspected. Cosima blushed a little and grinned. “I read it when I was, like, twenty. So yeah, but it's been a while.”

“Well, I've read it several times, and every single time, when she's going on and on about oysters and how she prepares them and all that, I just have to shake my head, because I find oysters absolutely disgusting, just as you do.”

“Are they better or worse than tomatoes?”

“Worse. A thousand times worse.” She picked around the tomatoes on her plate, eating pieces of cheese and lettuce speared on her fork. “If I may ask, what brings you to Tunisia?”

“Oh, it's a, uh, a medical trip, of sorts.”

“Hm, I see. Like, medical tourism sort of thing? I've heard of that, and you're American, I take it?”

“I am, yeah. No, it's not for me. I mean, I'm not getting treated for anything.” She twisted her napkin between her fingers, trying hard to look nonchalant.

“You're doing the treating, then, perhaps?”

“Something like that.”

“Cosima?”

She spun around to find Delphine three feet behind her, frowning. “Oh, hey! When did you get here?”

“I got here a few minutes ago, as I said in my message. Did you get my message?”

Cosima dug in her purse for her phone. “The last message I got just said...” She looked at her phone. Sure enough, two new messages from Delphine, at 1:12 and 1:20. It was now 1:27. “Shit.”

“You haven't reserved a table, then, I take it.”

“They wouldn't let me unless I could give a more specific time!”

“Well, if you'd checked your messages, you would have had one. But now we have to wait.” She gestured over to the hostess stand, where a West African man in a linen suit waved and headed in their direction through the other diners. “He has a busy schedule, you know. He is a doing us a favor.”

Cosima gathered her coat and purse. The bartender had their room number to charge for the meal, thankfully. Fussing over credit card payments wouldn't improve either of their moods. “I do know that, and actually, Delphine, I've been checking my messages all day, and you weren't sending any, so maybe you should lay off a little bit?”

It was not the right thing to say, and it was not the right time to say it, but it came out of Cosima's mouth anyway. Delphine's eyebrows went up. She glanced over at the woman to Cosima's right, who was smart enough to pretend she wasn't listening. “Well,” Delphine said, “at least you made a new friend.”

The man in the linen suit reached them and gave Cosima a broad smile.

“Dr. N'Jikam,” Delphine said, “this is Cosima Niehaus, my research partner.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Miss Niehaus. Dr. Simplice N'Jikam, from Médecins Sans Frontières. Dr. Cormier and I used to work together. Perhaps she's mentioned me.”

She put her best smile on for him and shook his hand. “Yes, she has. It's a pleasure to meet you, too.”

As dramatic as Delphine was about waiting for a table, they only had to wait five minutes to get one. Cosima sat across from Delphine, with Dr. N'Jikam to her left. Predictably, Cosima wasn't very hungry any more, but she ordered a carrot salad with hard boiled eggs and another cup of tea. Delphine ordered a lamb platter with couscous and vegetables. She must not have eaten since that morning, either. At least she seemed healthier than she had the day before.

Dr. N'Jikam started off the conversation as soon as they'd ordered. “So, you are going to Yemen.”

Delphine nodded. “That's correct.”

“When do you plan to be there, and for how long?”

“We're not sure exactly,” Cosima said. “It depends on how successful we are there. Right now, we have five days scheduled in early March, but that could change.”

The waiter brought their drinks – water for Delphine, coffee for Dr. N'Jikam, and mint tea for Cosima.

“And what exactly,” Dr. N'Jikam asked Delphine, “is your measure of success for this trip? What is your objective?”

“We've identified three women with a specific phenotype that puts them at risk for a terminal condition, and we plan to inoculate them against it, or cure them if they've already developed symptoms.”

His eyebrows rose. “What condition is that?”

“It's only recently been discovered, so there's not an agreed-upon name for it yet.”

“I see. And you've already identified patients already? How?”

“It's a long story. Some of our connections back in Canada gave us the information.”

The answer satisfied him, and he sipped on his coffee. For Cosima, though, the effects of her earlier bowl of soup and all the accompanying water became pressing, so she excused herself, meeting Delphine's “wtf” look with a wide eyes. Whatever. It would be worse to sit there bouncing and in pain, unable to focus. Waiting in line for the ladies room for the second time, she rummaged in her purse for her bottle of TUMS, and took two.

Back at the table, the food had once again arrived in her absence. Squeezed onto the table between the plates, glasses, silverware, decorative flower arrangement, and complimentary flatbread, Dr. N'Jikam had his tablet and a pad of line-free paper, which he and Delphine crouched over between bites. Delphine glanced at her when she sat down, and continued her conversation with Dr. N'Jikam in French.

Cosima ate her salad and listened, picking out about half of what Delphine said and less than a quarter of what Dr. N'Jikam said. She'd read that Cameroonian French was a little different than Canadian or Parisian French, but she hadn't expected such a great difference. But then, Delphine wasn't having any such difficulties. From what Cosima understood, they talked about the Yemeni refugee crisis, camps, transportation options, and money, and then Dr. N'Jikam said something that made Delphine laugh. Cosima raised her eyebrows at her, hoping for a translation, but none came.

At the end of the meal, Delphine excused herself to use the restroom, letting Cosima handle paying for the meal.

“How was it?” she asked Dr. N'Jikam.

“Pardon? Oh, it was excellent,” he said. He dabbed at his lips with the napkin and smiled at her. “Thank you.”

“You're very welcome,” Cosima said. The food and the rain made her sleepy, but she needed to keep up appearances. “So, uh, how long have you been with MSF?”

“A long time. Twenty years, almost. And I've been, oh, I've been everywhere.” He laughed at that, so she smiled along. “But we've been talking the whole time, and you've said very little. Tell me, Miss Nyehouse, is it Nyehouse or Neuhaus? I can't remember.”

“Uh, Niehaus, actually, but that's not important.”

“It's important to me.” Another grin. “So tell me, Miss Niehaus, how long are you working for Dr. Cormier?”

“Well, I've been working with her for about three years now.”

“Three years, okay. I've known her for almost five years, since right after her doctorate. I wasn't aware before that she had any students.”

“She doesn't.”

He paused, hand midair on its way to adjust his glasses. “No? I thought that...”

“Wait, did she tell you that I'm her student?”

Dr. N'Jikam did not miss the way Cosima leaned over the table as she spoke, and he leaned back to compensate. “Oh,” he laughed, “I don't remember! You know, as we age, ours minds are not so good.”

“Right. Okay.”

He left as soon as Delphine got back, shaking their hands again and repeating his best wishes and his pleasure at having met them both. Delphine promised to keep in touch throughout their travels.

At the elevators, Cosima told Delphine, “You know, if you didn't need me to be there, you could have just said so.”

Delphine rolled her head around on her shoulders. “What are you talking about?”

“You know I understood like, less than half of that entire conversation. You made it pretty obvious you didn't need my contribution.”

Delphine sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. An elevator at the end of the row dinged, and they hustled to get on it along with a gaggle of rain soaked tourists. They flattened themselves against the back wall. “He prefers speaking in French,” Delphine said.

“Does he really. English didn't seem to be much an issue for him when we first sat down, or after you'd gone to the bathroom.”

The elevator stopped to let some people off at the third floor, and replace them with a Japanese couple in bath robes, fresh from the third floor sauna. Cosima could have been at the sauna during that entire lunch, and it wouldn't have mattered. Whatever.

“How about our patient?” she asked. “You said she was difficult.”

“She refused the vaccination. Nothing I said, nothing her doctor said, convinced her, and she left without it. After talking my ears off about every medical problem she's ever had, and how doctors are responsible for every single one of them.”

“Oh sh... shoot, really?” That had never happened before. Usually, once the doctor explained it, the patient accepted the vaccine. The trick was often just getting them into the doctor's office to begin with.

“Really. She claims that vaccines made her infertile.”

The elevator stopped at the eighth floor and let out everyone else, then moved on up to the tenth, where Cosima and Delphine got off.

“The doctor is trying to bring her back the day after tomorrow,” Delphine said. “If she still refuses, though...”

“She won't. We'll think of something.” Cosima reached for her arm, but Delphine moved away to unlocked the door and push it open.

Inside the room, Delphine set up her papers on her bed, and sat in the armchair next to it with her laptop. “Dr. N'Jikam sent us both a list of other contacts we should talk to. Some are in Libya, which he doesn't know as much about, but cautions us against visiting.”

Cosima opened her laptop on the desk. She had had other ideas for the afternoon, especially since it seemed they'd be staying in Sousse longer than originally planned. Delphine was buried in her work, though, chewing on a thumbnail, so Cosima might as well follow suit.

“Great. Sounds like a perfect afternoon.”

* * *

That night, after pouring over Dr. N'Jikam's information, calling and emailing his contacts in Yemen, Libya, and a Jordanian refugee camp, and a last minute phone call with one of Art's Arabic translators, the walls of their little hotel room were pressing in against both of them. Cosima's eyes hurt from differentiating tiny Arabic words from other tiny Arabic words and staring at screens, but there was one more email to write.

Dear Dr. Lacrabére,

I was directed to you by Dr. Simplice N'Jikam of Médecins Sans Frontières because

“It goes the other way.”

“Huh?”

Delphine stood behind her, one hand in her damp hair. “It's Dr. Lacrabère, not Lacrabére. You need the accent grave, not aigu.”

“Oh. Shit. Thank you.”

Delphine walked on towards their suitcase and said, “It's not Spanish.”

“Yeah, I'm aware of that, thanks.” She finished the email, watching Delphine's eyebrows do that sarcastic little wiggle in her peripheral vision. “By the way, did you tell Dr. N'Jikam that I'm your student?”

“What?”

“He thought I was your student. Like, your graduate student or something.”

Delphine dug around her suitcase for a bottle of lotion. “I don't know why. I introduced you as my research partner. You were there when I introduced you, yes?”

“Well, yeah, but...”

“But what?”

“I dunno. It was just weird, that's all.”

“Okay.” She sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed lotion into feet. “You should take your shower now, so you're not up too late. I'm going to talk to the doctor at the clinic again tomorrow.”

Cosima refrained from replying with “yes, Dr. Cormier,” but she got up and gathered her shower things. At the bathroom door she turned back and saw Delphine massaging lotion into her left calf, her eyes closed.

The hotel bathroom was nice, with a bathtub and strong water pressure from the shower head. She let the water beat against her back, her head bowed. When she got out of the shower later, Delphine would probably be in bed. A different bed, because of course no one could know they were lovers, so they had separate twin beds. Again. Delphine's eyes would be covered, and she'd be turned away from Cosima because the light was on Cosima's side of the room. She would not want to talk, either about important topics or trivial ones. And then she would get up early in the morning to try convincing their sister here in Sousse that she needed a vaccine. And Cosima would.... what?

Maybe she'd stay in tomorrow. The forecast called for more rain, after all. She could work on her dissertation, enter more data and run some preliminary stats on them. She could go back to the restaurant and drink a couple more gallons of mint tea. She could stay in bed all day, and it wouldn't make much of a difference.

She turned off the shower and leaned against the tile wall. How long would it take for Delphine to wonder what she was doing in here, or what was taking her so long? Or was Delphine still so annoyed with her that she was happy to have Cosima out of the bedroom for a while?

The steam from the shower swirling around her, she slid down in the bathtub, her face in her hands. Tears pushed out of her eyes before she could stop them, and then she was sobbing.

A minute or so later, the door opened, and Cosima took some deep breaths to try to gain some control, hands still over her face.

“Cosima? Hey, hey, hey....” And then Delphine's hands were on her neck, and her arm was around her shoulders. “Shh... come here.”

She leaned onto Delphine's shoulder and cried some more, soaking her T-shirt and clinging to her arms with wet fingers. “I'm sorry,” she managed. “I'm sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not seeing your messages, for not knowing French better, for not helping you cure the Ledas, for everything.”

Delphine stroked her arms and her back and kissed her head. “Chérie, it's okay. I don't expect you to know French very well, and you cannot help me with the Ledas any more than you already are. You know that. You already do so much for them, anyway. And the thing with the messages was just a mistake, a misunderstanding. It's okay.”

“It didn't seem that okay earlier.”

Delphine's chest rose and fell as she sighed. “I was just... irritated earlier. That's all. I'm sorry I took it out on you.”

Cosima held on to her, nose in the crook of her neck. Delphine had some new jasmine-scented body wash that smelled okay, but didn't smell like Delphine. Cosima wanted her to smell liked Delphine again, goddammit. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I know. Je t'aime aussi.” She kissed her eyes, her lips, and the tip of her nose. “We should get you out of this tub, though.”

“Yeah, this isn't very comfortable.” She let Delphine help her out of the tub and into a towel. “Are you still mad at me?”

“No,” Delphine said. “I was, but I'm not anymore.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I was a little bit pissed at you, too.”

“Are you still?”

She shook her head and finished drying herself off. “No, not anymore. I... I can see why you were upset. I should've just kept my phone out the whole time so I'd see your messages, and...”

Delphine folded the towel in half and hung it up on the rod next to hers. “Maybe. I don't think I would've been quite so upset with you if you hadn't been talking to that girl, though, if we're being completely honest.”

“That girl?” Cosima smiled now as she pulled on her shorts. “She's, like, our age or older.”

“Oh? Is she?”

There was an edge in Delphine's voice, so Cosima put her hands on Delphine's waist. “I didn't ask, and she didn't tell me. There is nothing for you to worry about. I'm engaged to you, and nobody else.” She kissed her, but pulled back after a moment. “I mean, we are still engaged, aren't we?”

Delphine's laugh turned into a cough. “Yes, we are still engaged! Just because we can't tell everyone doesn't change that fact. Now come on, let's go to bed.”

Cosima tucked herself into bed and watched Delphine tweeze her eyebrows with the help of a pocket mirror. Delphine did that most nights, and some mornings, sometimes also yanking hairs from her nostrils in ways that made Cosima's eyes water just watching her do it. “What would your eyebrows look like if you didn't do that?” she asked.

“Euhh... let's not find out, okay?” She got one more hair from her left eyebrow and closed the mirror, then turned off the overhead light and sat on the edge of Cosima's bed, looking down at her. “I want to stay attractive for you as long as possible.”

“Yeah, same here. I mean, for myself. For you.” She wasn't terribly attractive at the moment, of course, but she wasn't going to bring that up.

Delphine rubbed Cosima's abdomen through the blankets. “I'm sorry the beds are so small.”

“It's not your fault. And it's not forever. Here.” She scooted all the way to one side and pulled the blanket back. “You can climb in for a minute if you want.”

“A minute.” Delphine stretched herself out under the heavy blankets and faced Cosima. “I think we're both very tired.”

“Yeah, and you're still sick, even if you're moving around better.” She linked her fingers with Delphine's. “I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate everything you do. For us, I mean. For all of us.”

Delphine kissed her eyes, damp again with tears. “I don't think that. I know that you do.”

“Good.”

“And I don't do any of it by myself. I couldn't do any of it by myself, and I would never want to.”

Cosima thought of Delphine earlier that day, spending hours trying to convince a clone that she had a condition that would kill her one day. “Do you want me to go to the clinic with you? To try convincing our skeptical Tunisian sister?”

Delphine gave an amused little huff. “I would like that very much, but I'm not sure it's a good idea.”

“Right. Probably not.” She tucked herself as close to Delphine as possible, angling her face so that Delphine wasn't breathing directly into her eyes. Delphine wiggled her arm so she could hold Cosima's hand between their faces.

“Of course she's allowed to refuse, but I have some ideas that might convince her.”

“Ideas that don't involve clone disclosure.”

“Of course.”

“Are we still doing our five day rule if she keeps refusing?”

Delphine groaned. “No. I think, if she refuses a second time, we let her refuse, and we move on. She'll have our information, we'll have hers, and we can always come back. I am not arguing with her for five days.”

“Fair enough. That sounds like a plan, then. We really do need to come up with a decent name for this disease, though. Maybe not tonight, but some time before we've cured everybody.”

“I've been thinking of one, actually. I thought of it today, when Inès was questioning everything I said.”

“Yeah?” Cosima propped herself up a few inches. “Can I hear it?”

“I was thinking we could call it Fitzsimmon's Carcinoma.”

Cosima remembered the chipper swim coach whose body had taught them so much about what their disease was and the ways that it couldn't be treated, and she smiled. “I like it.”

“I hoped you would.” She pulled Cosima closer and snuggled against her body. “I didn't want to name it without your permission.”

“Well, you have my enthusiastic permission to use it. I'll tell the sestras tomorrow.” She yawned into Delphine's chest and kissed her her collarbone. “Je t'aime,” she whispered.

Delphine giggled. “I love you, too. Very much.”

And with one hand tucked into Delphine's, and the fingers on her other hand hooked on the waist of Delphine's shorts, Cosima drifted off to sleep.

[theydontknowaboutusimagines]

What A Feeling #7 - Rumor Has It

#6 

*Beginning of September 2017

Every since you and Harry were papped leaving an afterparty together, those pictures had been circling everywhere. Tons of gossip sites, magazines, and fans were speculating about what was going on with the two of you. It didn’t really bother either of you about what was being said, but you both did realize that you two would probably be followed a lot more now. Especially, since you both were still in LA. 

Harry had a few more days available before he had to go back to London to get back in tour mode, so both were trying to spend as much time together as possible. Since Harry had been staying at your place his entire stay in LA, you were running out of food, so you both got into your car and headed to the store nearby. 

“Is there anything we should by specifically to cook?” You asked. 

“Maybe a few things,” he said. “I’d like to cook for you one night. We can light some candles, play some music, drink a little bit of a wine... have each other for dessert,” he smirked looking over at you. 

“I’d love that,” you smirked. “I think you should cook only wearing an apron.” 

“Oh really?” He laughed. 

“Yep,” you nodded. “It’d be so fucking hot.” 

He laughed looking over at you. You giggled and leaned over to the driver’s side to kiss him while he was stuck at red light. He smiled into the kiss and you pulled away after a bit when the light turned green. Harry then got to the store and pulled into a parking space before getting out of the car. You both walked into the store and grabbed a shopping cart. 

You were putting some fruit and other things into the cart when you felt as if someone was staring at you. You discreetly looked around and saw someone bringing their phone down quickly and disappearing into another part of the store. You sighed shaking your head and Harry walked over. 

“What’s up?” He asked putting a handful of things into the cart. 

“I think someone was taking pictures of us,” you said. “Like with their phone.” 

He sighed. “I don’t exactly doubt it.” 

“I don’t mind when fans or someone comes up to me and asks me for photo, but I feel weird when people take pictures from far away,” you said. 

“I know exactly what you mean,” he said. “But I’m sure we’ll see it on twitter eventually.” 

“Yeah, I hope they didn’t get you picking your nose earlier,” you joke. 

“I did not!” He laughed. 

“Uh huh sure,” you giggled. 

“You know I never do that in public,” he joked. 

You laughed shaking your head. “Anyway, do we have everything?” 

“I think so,” he nodded. “Let’s go to the checkout.”

You pushed the cart to the counter and helped Harry put everything on the counter before he got out his card to pay for everything. 

“I could have paid for that,” you said. 

“I know, but I figured since I’m staying at your place, it’s like I’m paying rent or something,” he smirked. 

You rolled your eyes and you both got the bags and started heading outside. There weren’t any paps close by, but you two noticed them across the street with their big lenses. Harry closed the trunk of the car and you both got in. 

“Well, so much for keeping everything private,” you said. 

“Everything’s still private for the most part,” he said. “Yeah, we’re getting photographed together, but no one really knows anything about our relationship.” 

‘Yeah, that’s true,” you said. 

Harry smiled and pressed his lips against your before driving back to your house. 

**

Harry Styles Adds Another Romance to His Name

After being spotted leaving an VMA afterparty with singer-songwriter and lead singer of Y/Bands/Name, Y/N, the two were also seen out doing some grocery shopping together. 

A fan saw the pair in a supermarket in LA and snapped a few photos of the two superstars together. 

 Later that day, paps caught Y/N sneaking a kiss from Harry while stopped at a red light. The red light kiss is the first actual sign of PDA from the couple, which is sort of first confirmation that something is definitely going on between the two. 

Fans from both stars have been tweeting their support and well, lack of support for the couple ever since Styles and Y/N were guests on a radio show in London and talked about being huge fans of the other. Now, that the two have been spotted multiple times together, fans are tweeting their opinions even more now. 

We’ve reached out to both Y/N and Harry’s camps, but neither have responded about the status of their relationship. Of course, that doesn’t mean the two are not together because I’m sure if they are, they’d want to keep it private. 

Regardless if they're just testing the waters, friends, or in a relationship, we wish nothing but the best for them because they’d make really cute babies later on down the road. 

** 

“Apparently we’d make cute babies together,” you said leaning over the counter as Harry cooked dinner. 

“Oh really?” He laughed. “Says who?” 

“This article,” you said. “They’re talking about we were seen leaving the party together and then at the store together and then apparently we got papped kissing in the car. So, they’ve come to the conclusion that we’re together and the writer wishes us the best because we’d make really cute babies later on down the road.” 

“Well, they’re not lying,” he laughed. “We would.” 

“Do you want kids?” you asked. “I mean, like eventually?” 

“Yeah, I guess,” he said. “I’ve thought about it, but I haven’t really thought about it, you know. I’m still young and career focused to have that thought cross my mind.” 

“I get it,” you nodded. “But if you think about it, if we weren’t in the industry that we’re in, we could honestly be in that situation. A lot of the friends I went to school with or that I was friends with before all of this, they’re married already and like popping out kids left and right. So, to think that I could be in a different mindset like that is weird.” 

“Now that you mention it, it does,” he said. “Most people graduate University around my age and then they get a job working 40 hours a week, if they can, and if they’ve found the right person by then, they’re walking down the aisle and getting married. Then once they’re married they start talking about kids, yet, here I am the same age, but getting married and kids are definitely quite a few years away for me.” 

“You know sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t where I am now, if I would have been one of those people,” you said. “The one who went to college and graduated by 23, married my high school or college sweetheart by 24 and had my first kid by 25,” you laughed. “But I know I’m not ready for a kid at all anytime soon, so it’s like would I have been a different person if none of this happened when it did.” 

“Well doing what we do does change our lives and a little bit of who we are, but I don’t think we’d be completely different people if we were just “Normal” people in our twenties,” he said. 

“I’d like to think that,” you laughed. 

“Think about it like this, some people who are in this industry are complete dicks, but then there are people like us, who aren’t, so if we can survive the chaos of this industry without becoming dicks, then I’m gonna assume that we’d be the same type of person without all of this,” he said. 

“You think you’re not a dick?” you joked. 

“Heeey,” he laughed. 

“I’m joking. You’re definitely not a dick because if you were, I wouldn’t be with you,” you giggled. 

“Good to know,” he said. “Now, for the real question, if we weren’t in the industry, would you still have been with me? I mean like if we would have actually met?” 

“I’d like to think so,” you smiled. “What about you?” 

“Of course because you’re fucking hot,” he smirked. 

“Oh, so you’re only with me because I’m hot?” You asked. 

“No, that’s  not the only reason,” he laughed wrapping his arms around you. 

You smiled up at him and he pressed his lips against yours. 

**

It was Harry’s last day in LA before he went back to London. You two weren’t all that worried about him leaving because you knew that you both were in a good place. But you two knew that you were going to miss each other like crazy. Since the media and the fans were trying to prove that you two were in a relationship, you both decided to stay in for the day. 

Not that either of you complained. 

You were laying with your chin on his chest looking up at him, while he ran his hand up and down your back. 

“What are you thinking about?” You asked. “You look really like your deep in thought.” 

“You,” he smiled putting his other hand behind his head. 

“I’m right here,” you laughed. 

“I know, but I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life,” he whispered. “And that I’d love for you to come to some shows during the tour.” 

“I’m going to try. We don’t really have a lot of appearances and things during the months that you’re on tour, so far, at least,” you said. 

“I understand,” he nodded. “And at least the iHeartRadio Music Festival is in a few weeks, so we’ll be there together then.” 

“Yep,” you smiled. “And we’ve been apart for that long before, so we should be able to handle it.” 

“Yeah, but that was before this,” he smirked moving his hand down to your bum.

“You’ll live,” you laughed. 

“But I don’t know if I will,” he joked dramatically. 

“We’ll figure something out,” you said. “But for now, we can start making up for it,” you smirked pressing your lips against his. 

He ran his hands up and down your back as he held you close to him while he deepened the kiss. He sat up from the bed with his arms around you. You giggled against his lip while wrapping your legs around his waist. He removed his lips from yours and brought them down your neck causing you to let out a giggle. 

**

The next morning you both had woken up super early, it was still dark outside. Harry had to catch an early flight to get back to London. Harry threw his bags into his car and you got in with him. The drive to the airport was quiet and Harry held your hand the entire time. He parked in the departure lane at the airport and you both got out to say your goodbyes. 

He wrapped his arms around you and lifted you up as he squeezed you tightly to him. 

“I’m gonna miss you,” he whispered. 

“I’m going to miss you,” you sighed. 

“I’ll call you as soon as I can,” he whispered putting his forehead against yours. 

“You better,” you laughed. 

Harry wiped away a stray tear that had fallen. “And if you start feeling-” 

“Don’t worry, if I have a bad, I’ll let you know,” you said. 

“Thank you,” he said lifting you up again. “I better get going.” 

“I know,” you sighed. 

Harry pressed a kiss to your lips before putting you back on your feet. “Bye babe,” he said. “I’ll call you later.” 

You nodded and got his keys from him. You gave him one last kiss. “Bye. Have a safe flight.” 

He smiled a bit and watched you in his car and drive off before he grabbed his bags and walked into the airport. 

[mygreatestgood]

One Stroll Of Many During COVID-19 (03/22/20)

I went out for a walk this weekend. Because of the virus, the roadways weren’t crowded with its usual hustle & bustle. You could cross every corner with ease, and the whooshing noise of tires against asphalt was strangely minimal and sporadic.  The occasional passerby came near, and quickly diverted to their mandated six-feet-away distance.  Don’t really know how affective the six-foot rule is when applied to a passerby, but the elderly and middle aged are terrified and I feel for them. No one really smiled in my direction, or acknowledged me, with the exception of two people: a some-odd 80 year old with a walker and a middle aged man who was singing a rock tune aloud for the residents on Summit Avenue to hear. 

The season is transitioning into spring, and the smell in the air washed over a feeling of nostalgia. As it does with every change, as the last days of a season slowly dissipate, you can feel the impending linger of the one to follow approaching; the familiar smells of emerging plants, a light breeze floating throughout the air, the sight of new blooming and budding florals and the warmth from sunlight.  These things, they tend to cause me to recollect the times I’ve experienced this environment before. It’s been quite a few springtimes since I thought about my previous years during this season as a child. I think it was the emptiness of the roads that led me to remember.  And as soon as my memory began its regaling, just as abruptly, I could feel a trace of sadness etching itself throughout my body, magically slaloming its way. I felt like I was remembering something I loved, and deeply realizing that I would never be able to relive that love again. And yeah--no shit. I never will, in the sense that I’m no longer a child and can't time travel back a couple decades. But I wasn’t exactly wishing I could be a child again, or have my youth suddenly reappear.

In the 90′s, and early 2000′s, quality of life was different. My parents moved to the suburbs of New Jersey as it was what they could afford that was in relatively close distance to New York. They were musicians; my dad, a pianist and composer, and my mom, an opera singer. They wanted to do the family thing too, so they also acquired full-time jobs that granted them a steady earning. At the time, New Jersey made sense. It was a reprieve from city life. Life was of a slower pace in this region. We lived in a two-family on one of our town’s main roads that had a large backyard with a small gathering of woods. Stray cats were always making their way through the holes in our fence. We had a patio, complete with a barbecue grill and yellow metal furniture, which sounds heinous, but was surprisingly adorable. There was ample room all along the sides of the yard for my mom to pursue one of her hobbies--gardening--and still, there was leftover space for a swing-set and for my neighbors and I to run around and play a game of kickball.

As a kid, I did things. I rode my scooter to the park to play basketball, and we’d wait for the ice cream truck to sound it’s irritating yet welcoming melody. We’d go to the concession stand near the baseball diamond and get slushies and cheese fries. I would try to learn how to skateboard. The park was always crowded. Everyone from athletic kids to swarms of third and fourth grade girls obsessing over nail polishes and Lip Smackers chapsticks would rally around this place. I could see everyone from babies learning the concept of sand castles, to kids my age from school that I undoubtedly had no desire to run into. I loved walking into the neighboring town and going to the comic book store, or the game zone, where I’d collect pogs and crazy bones and pokemon cards and beanie babies--whatever I happened to be into hoarding at the moment. I’d go to book stores and pick up random young adult novels. I’d go to the movies. I’d go rent movies. There was a roller rink ten minutes away, and every weekend it was the cool place to go and whiz around (or in my instance, hold onto the railing and wall while everyone sped by me) while the edited version of Mase’s current single blasted from the DJ’s speakers. I’d go bowling. I’d visit arcades that weren’t Dave & Buster’s. I loved just being outside, meeting up with friends, walking to go get pizza. Flipping through magazines at the local convenient store. Having slumber parties and shutting the lights off while everyone took a turn at singing karaoke. Everything was an adventure and an all-senses-engaged experience. Even if it was just standing in a store parking lot and talking. Even if it was stealing someone’s aunt’s cigarettes and sneakily trying them behind a building in a schoolyard. Not just because I was young and new to the world, but because everyone was presently living, truly experiencing and sharing one another’s company. Communicating. Discovering commonalities. Making jokes about ideas or things happening in that very moment. Even when I was alone as a kid, I MADE things. I wrote stories, I would film movies on our camcorder and write scripts. I would try to do arts and crafts like things, like make tye-dye shirts or fiddle around with play-dough. I would be immersed in one thing at a time. If my friends and I were stuck hanging out indoors, we would prank call people. We would make up dumb card games or come up with something creative to unpack and figure out together as a team.

Everything has just always felt more loose in the past. Even during high school and college years. House parties were incredible. Yes, nowadays, I do get invited to a house for a “party” but its not the same. It feels more like we’re elitists corresponding over dinner and bottles of wine. There’s no more house parties where you’re meeting a bunch of strangers. There’s no more hosting house parties where you’re wondering, “who the fuck is that in my house playing beer pong?” (I held a couple of those in the mid 2000′s.) The best parties are ones that were an extended invite where you barely know anyone that’s there. I remember how my parents held parties in their 40′s and 50′s and it was so much more lively and energetic. The need to take a photo to put on Facebook has altered that.

 Block parties were a thing. Not only throughout my town for children, but in other towns for teenagers and adults. I remember going to one in Mahwah where an entire town house community threw a block party and everyone was running in and out of everyone’s houses. People were dancing in the streets. Liquor and pot were flowing and stinking up everything. And everyone was friendly and receiving--you didn’t have to live in that community to be invited to that event. Where are block parties like that now? We would go play billiards--there was such a thing as a pool hall then. We would go on walks just to get away from our homes and have in-depth conversations about life. We’d find dead-ended roads to smoke pot on. I used to love driving around when the weather would start to make its way towards a warmer climate, and play an upbeat song from my stereo, with the windows rolled down. I didn’t need a place to go. I could just enjoy being, and driving, with the wind knotting my stringy hair and the sun smoldering my legs. 

It trickles down to this inescapable feeling that over the last few years, we were not, and are not, really living. Everything is all about social media posting, taking selfies, being a celebrity and voice of the generation in some capacity, or any capacity that any individual can grab ahold of. Physical appearance and beauty has taken things to an insane measure with eyelash extensions, wigs, botox, heavy makeup and more things I’m probably unaware of becoming the norm. None of these statements are new streams of consciousness. I don’t deserve a high five for stating the obvious. I just can’t shake this feeling that as the human race, we are failing to enjoy being alive, in a tremendous amount of aspects. Besides lacking basic communication and abilities to live and experience each other wholly, we also do not experience anything else singularly and in entirety. 

There was a time you had to work for things. You made mixed CDs or mixed tapes for people you cared about. Discovering new music and performers was an art form. You’d have to catch a song on the radio, or a music video on television, or scope out and take a chance on an artist by purchasing an album at a record store. The thrill of the hunt is gone with resources like Spotify and Apple music, and with so much accessibility to so many artists, it in someways makes it more daunting to find the diamonds in the rough or those with innovative sounds. People watched movies or television shows without simultaneously being on their phone. (Most people couldn’t wait for their favorite show to air!) People went on vacation and stared at a sunset without feeling the need to snap a photo for an immediate publication. People went out on actual dates instead of meeting their date with all their friends at a club or only getting coffee for 45 minutes. People used to walk around a mall instead of ordering everything online. Shopping was an actual activity that involved your whole body as oppose to just your finger clicking a mouse, or your thumb hitting your phone. People would physically hold books, and turn pages, and smell that “book smell” instead of staring at a screen. People used to go over a friend’s house and not be on their phone. People used to go anywhere and not be on their phone. What the fuck is going to happen to our retinas in the coming years?

Now, in the town I was raised in, the roadways are crowded. 

I remember as a kid, staring out the window and watching local residents hop off the bus and walk down our road. Men carrying briefcases and sauntering off as if they were on a mission. There was a guy we called “army man” as he always was fully suited in a camouflage uniform, and marched back and forth daily on our block.  Cars would drive by, but it wouldn’t be an endless supply of them. Now, it’s endless.  There can be bumper-to bumper traffic on the road in that one-square mile town during certain hours. It’s rare to see people gallivanting the sidewalk today, unless it’s 3 am and they’re a townie staggering home annihilated from the local bar. Or they’re walking their dog, I suppose.

What I’m trying to say is this: I miss the simplicity of being in the moment. I don’t think we all need to mediate and take on yoga to understand how to do that. We just need to hold respect for all the incredible activities, people, experiences and memories we are gifted in this lifetime, and when you respect something, you pay attention to it. We need to pay attention to each other, and ourselves. The need to be alone and completely still became so abundantly clear on this stroll. I walked for an hour and a half. I looked at the houses. I noticed the trees that now had flowers sprouting with undeniable joy. I didn’t let anything cloud my mind except what wanted to swim to the surface. It was the best moment of my day, and given the absurd craziness we’re engulfed with now, quite possibly the best time of my week.

This virus outbreak--it’s terrifying. It’s plaguing not just our country, but the entire world. I cannot speak for how other countries live their day to day, but I can speak from my perspective, and it seems to me that we have run this world tired. It’s depleted, and can no longer rise from it’s crippling plunge. We take our offerings from Earth for granted. We take our gifts from God for granted. We take each other for granted. We now deem everything as urgent, and need everything to be so nonsensically fast. The deaths of those we love come across as a consequence of our actions. It is a wakeup call, and a call to action at that. And by action, I don’t mean make a post to create awareness--take action by literally changing and reverting ourselves back to a more minimalistic and simple way of life. Happiness shouldn’t stem from items, the ego or entrepreneurship--happiness derives from that indescribable satisfaction of doing nothing.  Of being. Of taking risks and reveling in the company of those whom you wish to keep.

I can’t visit my parents or my family dog, and I miss them. We are waiting to hear if a family friend has passed away from this virus. It is scary and sad to think it hit him so rapidly, and that he arrived at the hospital alone, and potentially died alone with no visitors and no one surrounding him.  This is a horrible catastrophe and I can’t understand the reasoning behind it. But I so want to believe that something beautiful will be built from this gloomy and discouraging time. I so want to believe that as people we have the power to take these ruins and make life more graceful and resplendent than it was before. 

Despite my wanting, it’s evident that we all need to.

Please stay safe. Prayers up. xo

[trippingonroads-blog1]

Teotihuacan

The final day: Los piramides de Teotihuacan. We booked a tour through TripAdvisor and set it on our last day based on the recommendation from one of Lindsay’s friends who said it’s a pretty exhausting half day that can have lingering effects on the creaky and weak like us.

We left the Airbnb a little before 6 AM to walk to the tour bus pickup spot at a hotel about 15 minutes away. Every city puts its funniest hats on before dawn and Mexico City is no exception. Mini rush hour, although the rush better described the pace of the vehicles on the road, not the amount. A few early-rising street vendors setting up their tents and starting to boil hot water for coffee and lay out the day’s ingredients. Finely dressed people stumbling from their cars to their apartments, truly inexplicable to us on a Monday morning.

There were a few people sitting outside the hotel when we arrived, a massive relief for Lindsay who had read a couple of reviews that said the bus had failed to show up in the past. Sure enough, at 6:20 on the nose it pulled up and 40 or so of us piled on in an early morning bilingual daze.

Leaving Mexico City isn’t easy and by the time the bus pulled onto the freeway, the sun had come up and the neighborhoods began to look a whole lot more like what we usually see in American media. One of our guides, Gerson, a boisterous, cheery performer with a squeaking rubber chicken in his shirt pocket, explained with glee that 12 million people lived in these neighborhoods and the favelas we were soon to pass on the highway. Million! Almost double the population of the state of Massachusetts in an area about 20 square kilometers.

“No es Roma Norte, La Condesa… eso es el Mexico verdad!”

He joked that the favelas of Mexico aren’t the favelas of Brazil, where you can sit and have a coffee, eat some street food, and admire the poverty. In Mexico, the favelas are dangerous as hell. My only knowledge of Brazilian favelas comes from the movie “City of God” and they sure look pretty dangerous to me but I don’t know enough to comment one way or the other. Gerson seemed almost proud of that danger and as we traveled away from the last vestiges of urban Mexico City, he told us to get our cameras ready. While the favelas of Mexico City are rough, Gerson energetically hyped the destitution of the upcoming ones on the outskirts, lining the mountains along the highway, like a seal handler at Sea World.

“Cameras! Cameras!” He insisted we document the poverty. Grim, but to be fair, destitution’s beauty is a shocking, photogenic irony.

The mountains outside the city are doused in a favela collage of teal, pink, yellow, blue, and grey while the fittest green emerges near the peaks, resiliently staying the hand of human advance. Wide avenues span up and down like ski slopes between the stucco cracks. Beyond the roads, it’s nearly impossible to tell where one wall ends and another begins, turning the hillside into an elaborate canvas. You tend not to wonder who’s inside the buildings in paintings; you wonder less in reality. I wondered where the grocery stores were.

About 45 minutes later, we pulled into a red dirt parking lot at Teotihuacan and split into English and Spanish tour groups. Our English group, surprisingly, was mostly comprised of non-Americans. Danish, Scottish, Israeli, Canadian, Australian, Italian… only five Americans out of 17 people. Kevin, our more-straightlaced-than-Gerson tour guide, spoke the most English of anyone we’d met all week and, dangit, the man knew his stuff.

I’ll hold off on trying to describe the city of Teotihuacan too much because, like the Grand Canyon, it’s really too magnificent to explain. The preserved area that you can see today is only about one-seventh the size of the original city at its peak around 800 AD, and it’s still mind-boggling to consider how an ancient civilization could construct such an enormous, sophisticated city with only stone tools.

The city features three primary pyramids, built at the head of vast public spaces that had varying uses over time. The Pyramid of Quetzacoatl stands on one end of the park, the Pyramid of the Moon stands at the other, connected by a 3-kilometer-long pathway dotted by sunken public spaces and surrounded by the ruins of family homes and workshops. The Pyramid of the Sun, one of the largest pyramids in North America at 64 meters tall, stands about 30 meters from that pathway, called the Avenue of the Dead.

The pyramids, as you could probably surmise, were built to honor kings and originally held temples at the top, where royalty and nobility would confer with the gods and demonstrate their hegemony over the public. In the middle of the squares sat elevated platforms where shamans performed human sacrifices of war prisoners and children (because they’re pure) to appease the gods. Once upon a time, the squares and pyramids were painted red and constructed with gargoyle-esque symbols and the faces of gods and animals. They’re imposing and beautiful now; they’d definitely make you believe in the celestial more than one thousand years ago.

Contrary to what you might think, Teotihuacan was not built by the Aztecs. It was built by a people called Teotihuacanos, about whom not a whole lot is definitively known. Mayans and Aztecs both lived in Teotihuacan at different times but they mostly pillaged the city of all of its riches years after the Teotihuacanos evacuated it under mysterious circumstances. Some archaeologists think the San Juan River dried up, depriving them of a primary water source and their main sewage outlet. (Yes, they built a subterranean sewage system in the 6th fucking century.) Some say a civil war purged the population and the varying tribes moved in separate directions. 

What is known is that the pyramids we see today are the final product of a series of escalating pettiness. After a new king took over, he’d build pyramids on top of the existing ones just to show he was bigger and badder than the previous guy. As such, the Pyramid of the Sun contains six smaller pyramids within it. Unlike the Egyptians, Teotihuacanos didn’t use pyramids as tombs. They were built to become closer to the gods and display a king’s power. In some, the innermost pyramid was used as a vault for riches. Of course, by the time archaeologists excavated these vaults, they had been picked over by the Aztecs who only left behind the stuff they didn’t want. Hence why it’s hard to know much about the Teohituacanos: A bunch of assholes pillaged their history. Sound familiar?

Another thing we learned is that Teotihuacanos ate turkeys. Extension: There are turkeys in Mexico! I had no idea. On the walk between pyramids, I asked Kevin about the Teotihuacano diet and what the marketplace might have looked like and he gave me an extensive answer that attracted a few of the solo travelers to gather around as we walked.

One, an older American woman we had seen throughout the day trying to talk to anyone who would listen to her, caught on to the turkey bit. Turns out, this lady despises turkeys. According to her, they’ve become a scourge in Northern California (I called that this lady was from the Bay Area the second I heard her speak) and are “taking over.” Lindsay nor I had ever heard of turkeys in California so when this was happening, we bowed out of the conversation to look at each other and say “what the f is she talking about?” Googling later, turkeys have apparently become one of the most prominent non-native species in California over the last decade or so. Who knew!

Anyway, we didn’t know that at the time, which is why it was exceedingly difficult to keep from laughing while this lady exhorted her vitriolic fucking hatred for turkeys.

“They’re constantly in my yard, they’re everywhere. One of them scratched my son and he’s got a scar down his forearm. I had to put up a six-foot fence just to keep them off my property!”

I imagined a spiked wood fence, painted red in the blood of foolhardy turkeys, the points adorned with freshly decapitated turkey heads and a sign outside that read in red “Gobble gobble gob gob gobble dee goo” with English translation in Helvetica beneath: “Turkeys who cross pay the ultimate price.”

But then she said you aren’t allowed to shoot them. Nobody is listening to her at this point as she exclaims what an outrage it is that you can’t kill them on your own property. Lindsay and I drop jaws at one another in amusement as I realize, “Holy shit, I was just doing an imagination joke but this lady has definitely fantasized about turning her home into a turkey slaughterhouse.” But the God damn guvrnmint say she cain’t shoot what been trispassin’ on her pro’pty! (Based on my subsequent eavesdropping, she lives in Marin County, is married to a 76 year-old Mexican man, is the self-proclaimed most adventurous member of her family, has bad knees because she played soccer in college forty years ago, and was on this trip to “discover her husband’s heritage” which baldly means she’s bored by her own Western European heritage and needs to have some more culturally interesting things to say about herself at the next garden party. There is no doubt in my mind that she’s a bleeding heart liberal and would never bluntly denounce government overreach but I couldn’t help giving her a pissed off Southern accent.)

Nobody else on the tour was quite so interesting as to have a vendetta against a species of bird but we did meet two nice Canadians (duh) at the tequila tasting and buffet lunch after the tour. They were sisters, doing a catch-up vaca together, and were heading to Los Angeles after their stay in Mexico City. We gave them a few recommendations and when I was at the buffet for seconds, Lindsay discovered that their Airbnb was in our same building. I told you it was all Airbnbs! We walked home with them from the hotel drop-off.

Yes, we made it to the top of all the pyramids if you were wondering, so we were pretty beat when we got back to the apartment. However, my friend Kira lives in Mexico City now and she reached out to see if we wanted to get dinner. We did but it took some effort.

All for the best, though, as Kira picked the place — Taquitos Frontera — and we had yet another amazing taco night. Kira’s been in CDMX for two years, teaching some of the country’s wealthiest, most spoiled middle schoolers at an American school. She had some high school Spanish under her belt when she moved but she’s been pretty much learning on the job and kicking ass living abroad. I hadn’t seen her in five years and it was very cool to see how much she was loving being in the midst of this incredibly bold life decision.

After dinner, we got consuelitos — ice cream sandwiches made with cookies and cream ice cream and mini circular churros — and then caught an Uber home. We were asleep by 9:30.

[sdhs-enjolras]

About Me

The last 1. drink: Coffee 2. phone call: Jehan. They’re one of the only people I know who still prefers calling over texting. Not that I’m complaining, of course. 3. text message: I can’t keep track of who sent the last text, because my group chat with Courfeyrac and Combeferre is currently blowing up. Every time I type an answer, another responds, so I guess both of them?? 4. song you listened to: “C’est La Mort” by The Civil Wars 5. time you cried: It definitely wasn’t the other day, when I decided to rewatch Up. Definitely not then. Okay, I lied; yes, it was. 6. dated someone twice: I haven’t dated anyone once, so… 7. kissed someone and regretted it: Haven’t actually done that, either. 8. been cheated on: Not in a romantic way, but I don’t want to give three “no”s in a row, so here’s a story: my dog, who I’d had since I was little, met Combeferre when I was in 7th grade and immediately decided that she liked him better than me. Never have I felt so betrayed. 9. lost someone special: The aforementioned dog, but luckily, that is the only real loss I’ve had to deal with so far. 10. been depressed: Nope! Yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Not technically… When I was six or seven, I went to a family Christmas party and took a sip of what I thought was apple juice. If you think alcohol tastes bad when you’re planning on it, imagine how revolting it is when you’re a kid who is expecting apple juice. It was so bad that it set off my gag reflex, and ruined the party for anyone who happened to be in the room. Not a pleasant memory. 3 favourite colours 12. Red 13. Crimson 14. Scarlet in the last year have you 15. made new friends: I like to think I have. 16. fallen out of love: Nope. 17. laughed until you cried: Plenty of times. 18. found out someone was talking about you: Yeah, a couple of people. You know how high schoolers are. 19. met someone who changed you: To an extent, I think everyone I meet has an impact on me in some way. 20. found out who your friends are: I don’t think I ever didn’t know. There’s only one person who I’m unsure about. 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nope. general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them??? Do people do that? Do they have Facebook friends who they haven’t met? Of course, I try to reach out to people on other forms of social media, but nobody even uses Facebook these days. 23. do you have any pets: Not anymore, unfortunately. I would love to get one, but nobody in my family is home often enough to justify a dog. Maybe a cat, someday. 24. do you want to change your name: I was about to say no, but that was because for a second, I literally forgot that Enjolras is...not technically my name. It’s my last name. But, it’s the only one I’ve ever really used, so, in a way, I kind of already did change it. I mean, seriously, when’s the last time anyone has ever called me Alex? 25. what did you do for your last birthday: there was a Bernie Sanders rally just a half hour from my house, so a few of my friends and I made a day out of it. We went out to eat at this amazing local diner and then went to the rally, and it was awesome! 26. what time did you wake up: 5:30. 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Planning the protest at the barber shop. You would not believe how difficult it is to get a big group of people to the same place at the same time.   28. name something you can’t wait for: Okay, if we’re being real and stepping away from the obvious, political stuff? I’m already really pumped for the next Avengers movie. What can I say? I’m a fan. 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: Just now, actually. 31. what are you listening to right now: My dad is watching the news down in the living room, and my mom is baking cookies. Dad usually does most of the baking, but her cookies are legendary. 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I’m sure I have, at some point 33. something that is getting on your nerves: Grantaire 34. most visited website: Tumblr 35. hair colour: Blonde 36. long or short hair: Medium, I guess? If I ever straightened it, it would probably be pretty long. 37. do you have a crush on someone: No. Grantaire 38. what do you like about yourself: My determination. I think that being driven and focused is incredibly important, and while I encounter many a few instances where I want to give up, I always feel good about myself when I push through and get it done 39. piercings: None 40. blood type: O- 41. nickname: Well, my last name, I guess. Oh, and some people call me Enj. R calls me Apollo, but he’s the only one. 42. relationship status: Single 43. zodiac: Leo, but I don’t believe in all that stuff 44. pronouns: He/him 45. favourite tv show: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver 46. tattoos: None yet. Maybe someday. 47. right or left handed: Right. 48. surgery: Not yet, unless we’re counting stitches. 50. sport: Yeah, not my thing 51. vacation: France would be incredible, but I’d need to get better at the language, first. I only know the absolute basics. 52. pair of trainers: Depends on the time of year, and what I’m wearing GENERAL 53. eating: My dad made burgers tonight, and they were so unbelievably good. Sometimes, you just need a little junk food. 54. drinking: Coffee. I’m drinking it right now. Yes, it’s almost nighttime, and no, it’s not decaf. 55. I’m about to: sneak and eat some of Mom’s cookie dough while she’s not looking 56. waiting for: Mom to walk away from the bowl of cookie dough 57. want: to eat cookie dough. But, all half-joking aside, I want to make real, positive change in the world. After eating this cookie dough. 58. get married: Maybe someday, yeah, I guess. 59. career: If I live that long Politician or teacher. I’m kind of undecided WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: Hugs 61. lips or eyes: Eyes 62. shorter or taller: Shorter would be nice, because then I would get to be the tall one, for once. That never happens. Ever. 63. older or younger: I just realized this is in regards to dating and whatnot. I was sitting here stumped by what this question could mean for almost an entire minute before noticing the context. To answer, age doesn't matter as much as maturity. 64. nice arms or nice stomach: I don’t really notice either way. 65. hookup or relationship: Relationship, hands down. I’m way too ace for a hookup to be even slightly desirable. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: Depends on the type of trouble we’re talking about. HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: Nope. 68. drank hard liquor: Outside of that Christmas party, no. 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: All. The. Time. 70. turned someone down: Maybe? Unintentionally? There have been points where the guys insist that someone was flirting/asking me out, but I never noticed. 71. sex on the first date: See my answer to #65. 73. had your heart broken: No. Yes 74. been arrested: Several times. 75. cried when someone died: Absolutely. My dog, tons of celebrities, Ellie in Up the other day... 76. fallen for a friend: Absolutely not. Grantaire DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: Most of the time. 78. miracles: Not really. 79. love at first sight: No. Not at all. And people who think otherwise are kidding themselves and can quickly become a troublesome distraction (fucking Marius…) 80. santa claus: Not literally, of course, but as corny as it is, I think that the joy the mere idea of him brings to kids makes him real, in a way. There’s a magic surrounding Christmas that even I can’t resist. If something so rooted in Christianity and capitalism can still somehow be my favorite day of the year, that’s something pretty special. 81. kiss on the first date: I am not experienced enough in that regard to really know how I’d feel about it. 82. angels: Nope. OTHER: 84. eye colour: Some say they’re blue, others say they’re gray. I think it depends on the light. 85. favourite movie: Oh, man, movies are such a guilty pleasure for me and I like so many that are so different from each other that I don’t think I could pick. To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic, but my dorkier side loves Captain America: the First Avenger, but on the other hand, I really enjoy Disney movies, and I don’t want to leave those out, but then there are the Harry Potter movies, and that doesn’t even cover Christmas movies, and do you see my dilemma here?

[flauntpage]

The 2019 MLB Home Run Derby Running Diary: So Many Dingers

Back back back back back back back back back back back back back to the well with another running diary because what else am I going to write about during the worst sports week of the year!? What else am I going to write about right now? The Philadelphia 76ers NBA summer league (tempting), the frightening ineptitude of Jake Arrieta and his bone spurry elbow (too depressing), or the Flyers?! THE FLYERS?! I think not.

Let’s see who can hit the most dingers in the second most worthless exhibition that will be played this week as I waste nearly three hours of my life watching the 2019 Major League Baseball Home Run Derby.

8 p.m. – Bob Eucker opens the festivities. If he could just do all his lines from “Major League” for the rest of the night that would be better than the planned ESPN broadcast. Thanks.

8:01 p.m. – Karl Ravech and his totally not a toupee and absolutely natural hair welcomes us to lovely Cleveland, Ohio for the 2019 T-Mobile Home Run Derby! What a historic event. Who could ever forget when Dave Parker slugged six home runs in the first ever T-Mobile Home Run Derby in 1985? Unforgettable. Mark Teixeira and his wet ham personality joins the broadcast and is immediately tuned out by the entire viewing audience.

8:03 p.m. – Something called DJ Irene is pretending to play music in centerfield as the night’s entrants are announced. Let’s meet the 2019 candidates who will fuck up their swings for the rest of the season to win bragging rights for an outdated exhibition that nobody cares about.

#1 seed Matt Chapman (21 home runs) – A last minute replacement for the #1 overall seed Christian Yelich. A third baseman for the Oakland A’s, Chapman apparently plays professional baseball while he’s not selling awful used cars for Chapman Ford in the offseason.

#2 seed Pete Alonso (30 home runs) – Pete “The Polar Bear” Alonso, a rookie for the New York Mets, has mashed 30 home runs so far this season and is eager to see how his very promising career will be derailed by his franchise.

#3 seed Josh Bell (27 home runs) – An outfielder for the Pittsburgh Pirates and apparently not the former co-star of the Teen Nick sitcom smash “Drake and Josh.”

#4 seed Alex Bregman (23 home runs) – A third baseman for the Houston Astros and official workhorse for the Coggin Toboggan, who bet $10 on him to win at +850. Real good guy, nothing but great things to say about this exciting young man. Salt of the earth.

#5 seed Joc Pederson (20 home runs) – Outfielder and first baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers with the most infuriating first name of any of the competitors. Joc. JOC. Fucking gross. He shall be known as JP for the rest of the proceedings.

#6 Ronald Acuna Jr.  (21 home runs) – Some loser for the Atlanta Braves. BOOOOOOOO.

#7 Carlos Santana (19 home runs) – Phillies legend Carlos Santana. Immediately resurrected his career after losing all athletic ability playing one year for Philadelphia. Sounds about right.

#8 Vladimir Guerrero Jr. (8 home runs) – Third baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays. Rumor has it his dad actually played a little professional baseball. That’s crazy, I can’t believe the media has never mentioned that before.

8:10 p.m. – Bryce Harper was invited right? He’s an All-Star, isn’t he? I’m sure he’s just late.

8:14 p.m. – Marly Rivera interviews Vladimir Guerrero Jr., who may or may not have a father who played professional baseball.

8:20 p.m. – The first match-up of the night features JP against our boy Bregman. Pederson hits 21 home runs and I can taste that $10 just slipping away. GOD DAMNIT, JP, I GOT KIDS. Most of his home runs only went one or two rows deep into the outfield. Should be disqualified.

8:25 p.m. – Trying to convince my wife that if a ball hits one of the kids shagging fly balls in the head and goes over the fence it counts as two. She is not convinced.

8:27 p.m. – Dear God it’s a rocky start for our boy Bregman. One home run in the first 30 seconds. PICK IT UP. It’s a home run derby, not a line drive derby, THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE TO SHOW OFF YOUR LEVEL SWING. UPPERCUT THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND LET’S GO.

8:28 p.m. – Bregman has hit 6 in a minute and a half and takes a timeout.

8:30 p.m. – He keeps hitting the very top of the left field wall. Is that wall regulation height or what?!

8:31 p.m. – Pathetic. HIT ONE OFF THE KIDS AND HOPE IT GOES OVER, THAT COUNTS AS TWO.

8:32 p.m. – 16 home runs and he’s out. Christ. Mark Texeira: “If I’m going to teach my kids how to swing, I’m showing them Alex Bregman’s swing.” Shut up Mark. JP moves on and I wish I didn’t have to watch the rest of this.

8:33 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. vs. Chapman up next. Guerrero Jr. is the youngest player to ever participate in a home run derby and he promptly hits a scorching grounder to third… and then a 462 foot home run to dead center.

8:35 p.m. – What kind of waivers does MLB make these kids’ parents sign before letting them go out to the outfield to try to catch 110 MPH juiced ball rockets?

“Sign here, initial here, sign here again…this waives us from all liability if your child has his skull caved in after losing a ball in the lights. Good news though, if your child does slip into a coma we’ll give you 20% off all purchases from the official MLB merchandise store for all purchase of $100 or more.”

8:40 p.m. – Good lord. He hit 29 home runs. Tied Josh Hamilton for most in a round ever. I will say he hit a few before they actually landed, a clear violation of home run derby rules. I expect MLB officials to announce his disqualification shortly.

8:43 p.m. – Matt “thanks for coming out” Chapman is up next. His dad is pitching to him. Knowing my dad he would have yelled at me for “not keeping my hands low and my head down on the swing” and I would have stormed off the field in tears after hurling my bat at him like I was 10-years-old again. Good times!

8:45 p.m. – I’ll be the first to say it; we’re all just watching this to see one of the kids get scorched off the dome, aren’t we? Half of them aren’t even paying attention to the action. FOCUS.

8:46 p.m. – Chapman’s dad keeps throwing balls outside of the zone and up by his head,  JUST LOB IT OVER THE PLATE, JESUS CHRIST. The only explanation for his poor pitching performance is he’s been playing the long con, waiting years before he had the opportunity to publicly humiliate his son in front of millions of fans on a national stage. Mission completed.

8:47 p.m. – His dad cannot throw a strike and looks completely gassed. Chapman has 13 home runs with 30 bonus seconds left to hit 17 more for the win. His dad promptly throws two balls to start things off. Something tells me his invitation to the next Oakland A’s father/son weekend is going to be conveniently lost in the mail. Guerrero moves on.

8:53 p.m. – Tracy Morgan is apparently hosting the ESPYs this year. Oh boy, I can’t wait to hear him read three hours of canned sports jokes off a teleprompter with the same amount of energy as John Kruk when his blood sugar dips.

8:57 p.m. – Ronald Acuna Jr. vs. Josh Bell next. Sadly, Acuna Jr. has a great swing and it will be extraordinarily depressing to see him blast a 600-foot home run off of Vince Velasquez on Sept. 1 to officially eliminate the Phillies from postseason contention.

9:03 p.m. – Acuna Jr. smashes 24 home runs off of Phillies great Tomas Perez, proving once and for all that if you want to hit as many home runs as possible you just need to face Phillies pitching.

9:04 p.m. – I’m already tired of people making the Phillies pitching joke on Twitter. Alright we get it:

I'd be the betting favorite in the Home Run Derby tonight if I announced I was flying Jerad Eickhoff in to throw to me.

— CogginToboggan (@CogginToboggan) July 8, 2019

This guy made the same recycled joke last year. What a tool:

If Rhys Hoskins brought Hector Neris to pitch to him he would have hit 50 home runs.

— CogginToboggan (@CogginToboggan) July 17, 2018

9:06 p.m. – Betting favorite Josh Bell hit four home runs in a minute and a half. Feel sorry for all the people who bet on this loser and will be out of the derby after the first round. Couldn’t imagine making such a poor bet.

9:10 p.m. – Mark Teixeira: “You really need the person throwing you the balls to put them in the same place every time to get into a rhythm.” Wow, thanks Mark. Should the hitters also try to put the balls over the fence for them to count as a home run?

9:13 p.m. – Bell hits 18 home runs and is eliminated, proving once and for all that nothing good ever comes out of Pittsburgh.

9:15 p.m. – Carlos Santana is up next vs. Pete Alonso. At the All-Star break last year, Santana was hitting .209 with 14 HRs and a .747 OPS. This year, Santana is your starting AL All-Star cleanup hitter and is smashing .297 with 19 HRs and a .958 OPS. Fuck my life!

9:18 p.m. – Santana promptly shits the bed and only hits 12 home runs, the lowest in the derby so far. That’s a shame. A damned shame. Somewhere Gabe Kapler is fist pumping in a dimly lit basement as he knocks out another 5,000 angry crunches under a bare light bulb.

9:19 p.m. – Watching Santana hit in the derby and be elected to his first All-Star team was worse than listening to Ben Davis last year opine on the extraordinary value of Santana’s ability to take a walk while hitting .229 for the entire season.

9:22 p.m. – Pete “The Polar Bear” Alonso is up next. He’s nicknamed the Polar Bear because he bought a pair of illegal polar bear skin batting gloves off the Dark Web, which he attributes to his great success.

9:25 p.m. – Alonso is letting history’s greatest monster off the hook so far after only hitting six home runs in 2:30.

9:27 p.m. – “That just hit the scoreboard” Teixeira mentions for a home run that comes about 20 rows short of the scoreboard.

9:28 p.m. – Alonso! Alonso! Alonso! 14 home runs to send Santana packing, HUMILIATING Carlos in front of his friends and family. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YES!

9:29 p.m. – As is tradition, Santana must now eat a mouthful of Chris Berman’s wispy skullet hair for hitting the least amount of home runs in a round. Rules are rules, sorry Carlos.

9:34 p.m. – Disappointed ESPN hasn’t trotted out the bloated gin corpse of Chris Berman to give us one epic BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK before banishing him back to the extra-large cryotherapy chamber he spends 360 days a year in.

9:36 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. vs. JP in the semis. Christ, I’m already bored with this. Just bring back the MTV Rock and Jock Softball game instead of this nonsense. Who else remembers when Frank Thomas hit a home run with the eight ball in the 1993 event to lead the Dan Cortese coached “Awayboys” to victory over the hated Corbin Bernsen coached “Homeboys.” Anyone? Just me? Ok then.

9:41 p.m. – GUERRERO JR. HITS 29 HOME RUNS AGAIN! The potential 30th home run came within an inch of going out on the final hit. Did you know his dad was Vlad Guerrero? Who won the event in 2007? WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS?

9:44 p.m. – Mother of God, JP isn’t going away. Despite his terrible name he hits an impressive 14 home runs with two minutes left to go.

9:48 p.m. – Holy shit, JP hits 27 home runs and needs to hit three more in his 30 second bonus to defeat Guerrero Jr.

9:50 p.m. – They both hit 29 overall and each get to take a swing at Karl Ravech’s head and whoever hits his toupee furthest goes to the championship round.

9:55 p.m. – ESPN goes the PC liberal route and opts for a two minute home run tie breaker. They both hit another 8 home runs, tying again. YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WATCH MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT?! JUST END IT ALREADY.

9:56 p.m. – THEY TIED AGAIN. AFTER A THREE SWING HIT OFF, THEY TIE AGAIN. They both hit a home run in three swings and go to ANOTHER overtime round. Did I die before overtime started? Is this purgatory for me? Am I going to watch these two hit dingers for the rest of my days until my soul is absolved of all its sins? It could be worse, I could have to watch the Flyers.

10 p.m. – For this overtime round whoever is the son of Vladimir Guerrero wins and goes on to the championship.

10:03 p.m. – That was amazing.  Guerrero hits two bombs with his three swings and JP hits one. JP, like every Dodgers fan ever, leaves immediately before the contest is over so he can beat traffic.

10:03 p.m. – The only thing that could have made that any better would have been a quick shot of Zack Hample being trampled as he ran for one of the home run balls.

10:05 p.m. – Christ, I forgot we still have more of this. Just end it now and give it to Guerrero Jr., he deserves the trophy and the $1 million. I don’t care about anything else.

10:06 p.m. – Somewhere Chris Berman looked up from his third Reuben sandwich of the evening, grunted at the TV, and squirted Thousand Island dressing directly from the bottle into his mouth.

10:12 p.m. – I’d respect Acuna Jr. more if he just bunted for the rest of the competition.

10:16 p.m. – Acuna Jr. is gassed despite the three hour break he got watching Guerrero Jr. and JP put on the greatest home run derby round of all time. He hits 19.

10:19 p.m. – Alonso is up and the crowd gasps off-screen after his first hit. Maybe DJ Irene was beaned by an Alonso line drive as he was looking for the club remix of the Cupid Shuffle.

10:20 p.m. – The broadcast just revealed that Alonso is actually called the Polar Bear because of an incident in high school where he tossed a second grader into the polar bear enclosure of the Bronx Zoo for a laugh.

10:24 p.m. – Alonso hits 20 to send Acuna Jr. packing. Because he is a promising young member of the Mets, I look forward to reading about his MRI results tomorrow showing he tore both rotator cuffs simultaneously at some point during the competition.

10:28 p.m. – Apparently Paul Heyman announced on Monday Night Raw that BROCKKKKK LESNARRRRR would cash in his Money in the Bank contract this Sunday at Extreme Rules in Philadelphia. I found this exponentially more interesting than anything Mark Teixeira has said all night.

10:31 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. has hit 69 total home runs going into the championship. Somewhere, Rob Gronkowski is giggling to himself.

10:35 p.m. – Guerrero Jr. hits a paltry 22 home runs in the championship round. He is one pathetic loser.

10:40 p.m. – Oh my God just end this. I’ve had it. I’ve been out of contention to win money for 95% of this entire broadcast.

10:41 p.m. – A gorgeous shot of downtown Cleveland and its historic Applebees that LeBron James once refused to step foot in.

10:45 p.m. – Alonso hits 23 in the final round to beat Guerrero Jr. It should be fun to hear Mike Francesa rationalize how this is on par with the Mets 1986 World Series championship.

10:51 p.m. – What a night, what a derby. Guerrero Jr. and JP put on a show, Alonso won the championship after Guerrero Jr. punched himself out, and most importantly Carlos Santana embarrassed himself on national television.

The post The 2019 MLB Home Run Derby Running Diary: So Many Dingers appeared first on Crossing Broad.

The 2019 MLB Home Run Derby Running Diary: So Many Dingers published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[thefinalprose]

Episode One: I Lost to a Chicken.

Well, here I am. Again. Long story short, I wrote recaps for several seasons and needed a breather. Good thing I took one because from what I’ve heard Arie’s season was about as exciting as the intro paragraph to this recap.

When the Bachelor suitor bios came out, I just couldn’t resist and decided to write about them. The response was enough of an ego stroke that I have decided to recap Becca’s season, just a little differently. This time, no one will edit for me; they may take a week to post (sorry this took so long, I was out of town) and I might write whilst enjoying a cocktail. Regardless, I promise the same judgmental snark.

The first episode of the season is always a fan favorite. We get to re-live the new lead’s sad story of heartbreak; we’ll likely see past contestants show up to offer advice on finding everlasting love on national television in less than 90 days and it’s our first official look at the new suitors as they arrive at the mansion. A few will do something over the top for attention; a few will be too nervous to form a sentence that makes sense and one will definitely get blitzed. And probably half naked.

As though I’ve watched this before, the episode starts with the (first) reminder that Arie dicked Becca over last season. He proposed, she said yes and during one of their secret romantic getaways before they could officially go public as a couple, he breaks up with her with cameras rolling so he could go be with the runner up from his season. Who he had already spoken to about the idea. I want to say I’m surprised ABC let this happen, but they stopped surprising me with bad ideas when they let Nick try (and fail) at love 107 times.

Becca arrives at the mansion to be greeted by Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel; the most recent Bachelorette’s who are there to inspire success as they are all still engaged to the winner of their seasons. JoJo says, “it’s about to be bigger and better” and I hope that’s a dig at fantasy suite Arie.

The Bachelorette’s sage the mansion and I wonder if anyone outside of LA knows what that means.

SUITOR PREVIEWS

Before all 25ish suitors step out of the limo, we are made privy to a few of the standouts from the season. A little teaser, if you will.

First up is Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss. As unsure as I am about a person that doesn’t swear, I’m more leery of an NFL player that needs The Bachelorette to find “love”.

Garrett, the guy who does Chris Farley impressions, is next and guess what? He does a Chris Farley impression that I bet you can’t guess I hate.

I do.

He lists off a bunch of made up winter activities he enjoys because, you know, Becca is from Minnesota and it’s always winter there.

We see Jordan, the guy who is definitely a self-proclaimed “Instagram model”, having a photo shoot. He shares that his “brand” is “the pensive gentleman” and I’m going to guess that’s also his Grindr handle. He claims being a male model is taxing because he has to go to the gym year round. I don’t see modeling in my future and I, too have to go to the gym year round. Check out my Instagram page; I talk about it every once in a while. He also says he can see him and Becca, in sweats, on a couch with a tub of chocolate and a chick flick which is definitely the rest of his Grindr bio.

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, is seen walking along Hollywood Boulevard with a huge smile on his face. If you’ve ever walked along Hollywood Boulevard, you know that no one should be smiling. I don’t trust him.

Joe, the grocery store owner, has been practicing his grocery store humor and I’d like to check out.

I’m not even sorry for that terrible joke.

Jean Blanc, the guy who loves cologne enough to call himself a Colognoisseur, tells us he’s going to blow Becca’s nose away and I hope it’s because he’s bringing an eight ball to the mansion.

I was certain that the joke about Colton, another pro football player, would be about his YouTube date ask to Aly Raisman out but oh, was I wrong. The joke is that he’s wearing a velour hooded vest over a shirt with leather sleeves. You know those men who make too much money too early on so they spend it on really dumb shit? That’s Colton. Who let him wear this? Who recorded this video for him letting him wear this? Why does he own this? What is happening?

LIMO EXITS + INTRO’S

It’s time for the men to arrive at the mansion and of the first five men, three of them have said, “Let’s do the damn thing” which became annoying even before the season aired.

The next five all make a joke about Arie, because every woman wants to talk about her shitty ex with a potential new love interest.

The five after that are the five that met her at After the Finale Rose when she was announced The Bachelorette.

We are fifteen dudes deep and I’m pretty sure only one of these guys is wearing socks with his loafers. Is this a thing men do? Is there a reason for it? Gross.

David, the guy that loves guacamole but hates avocados, comes out in a chicken costume and makes more chicken jokes than I knew even possible and yet none of them are cock jokes. Impressive or disappointing?

Disappointing.

The rest of the entrances were actually pretty lame and I suddenly remember that there is a drink limit on this show now.

Once everyone has arrived, Becca enters the house to greet the suitors for the first time and the drama among the men begins. The Bachelorette is way more fun than The Bachelor because dude drama is so much more entertaining. Remember Shawn and Nick? JJ and Clint? Chad? Oh, Chad.  

Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss, takes Becca aside to make dolls or something weird like that. John, the guy who created Venmo, immediately shares that he is the creator of Venmo because in San Francisco that definitely gets him laid every single time.

It’s Christon’s, the guy with a made up job and name, turn and he takes her outside to a basketball hoop, has her hold the ball above her head and then pulls a Harlem Globetrotter dunk move. I’m pretty sure every dude in the house has a semi after watching. I kinda do too, tbh.  

Becca and Blake, the ‘modern romantic’, sit in front of the fire and do that thing where they hold hands, but not just with one pair of hands with both pairs of hands and I’m super annoyed by it. He wins her over by saying, “I just know that if I could love the wrong person so much [his ex], imagine how much I can love the right person” and I wonder how many times he Googled “quotes about love” before choosing that one to use.

Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose and now it’s time for the men to step up their game. And by stepping up their game I mean:

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, gives her an ancient Nigerian bracelet and tells her she’s now part of the family. Nick, aspiring lead singer of a boy band, has a vibrating back massager that I am completely certain he uses for other things. David, the guy who showed up with chicken jokes wearing a chicken costume, asks Becca to do the chicken dance with him because this fucking guy still hasn’t run out of chicken jokes. Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, takes Becca to the pool to teach her to fly fish and what do ya know (said in an exaggerated midwestern accent) it makes Becca feel at home.

Chris, whose life goal is to retire by 40, has a dilemma and needs the advice of three dudes he just met. Apparently he knows Chase’s ex girlfriend who told him that Chase isn’t there for the right reasons. Chris is perplexed -- should he confront Chase about it? Remember when I said dude drama is hilarious? Exhibit A.

They have a boring confrontation about it and Chase runs to Becca to tell her. This is the least dramatic drama I’ve ever watched. Becca doesn’t understand the context, Chase brings Chris into the conversation and this is so dumb.

That conversation brought light to Becca that there may be men here with ill intentions and she shares that someone rubbed her the wrong way earlier in the night. Like all of us, she’s there to be rubbed the right way, so she wants to address it.

She asks Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota, to step aside to chat. She tries to send him home because in their several times of meeting he never pursued her and now wants to on national TV. He doesn’t make it easy for her and I’m afraid Minnesota will ban him for life like they did Arie.  

There is a guy with a Harry Potter tattoo and this is why I feel badly for people who are trying to date. You have to worry about finding the perfect person only to realize he has a fucking Harry Potter tattoo.

Becca finally picks up the first impression rose and gives it to Garrett, the guy who showed up in a minivan. She leans in to kiss him and he goes for the cheek. She grabs him by the neck and he finally gets it. Maybe he really is Chris Farley.

ROSE CEREMONY

The only thing I don’t understand about the rose ceremony is how Joe was sent home. I still hope he’s the next Bachelor.

LINE OF THE NIGHT

“There are so many balls here” -- Becca, during the impromptu basketball game.

ELIMINATED

Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota,

Joe, the love of my life

Chase, a could-be serial killer

Kamil -- social media participant who I’m guessing won’t be participating in social media for a while after being sent home night one

Darius, who lives in the Valley

Grant, the electrician with electrician jokes

Christian, whose head was too small for his body  

Okay, now I am going to watch episode two so the recap doesn’t take as long to post.

[climbingclover]

also just all of the questions off the shorter one because i want you to suffer

This is cruel and unusual punishment for me to type this much. 

1. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

A marine biologist, a chef, and an ER doctor 

2. Which “Friends” character do you relate to the most?

Uhhhhhh. Don’t hurt me, but I have only ever seen a few episodes, and I don’t remember much about it. 

3. Do you like your name? Why?

I picked it out myself, so it’d kinda suck if I didn’t like it. I just like it because it fits me I guess?

4. Are you a messy or clean person?

Cluttered, but like. Clean in the sense that it isn’t dirty, it’s just a mess. 

5. How tall are you?

Again, a hair over five five, but I always say i’m five six. 

6. How tall were you when you were ten?

about five feet tall. 

7. What is your guilty pleasure?

I watch ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ like a fucking madman. Food wise, my guilty pleasure is ice cream. 

8. What are you saving money for right now?

To come see you, and for summer clothes. 

9. How many Pringles can you eat at once?

If I want to, I can eat a whole can. 

10. Tea or coffee?

Both!

11. Are you an extrovert or introvert?

A selective introvert. 

12. What is your Halloween costume this year?

Dunno yet. But this past year I was Dipper Pines from ‘Gravity Falls’ 

13. Sweet or salty?

Again, both. Just not at the same time, usually. 

14. Favorite social media?

This absolute hell site. 

15. Who is the last person you kissed?

@fyodor-dolokhov 

16. What is your favorite breakfast?

Really good oatmeal, I think. With brown sugar and heavy cream. 

17. When is your birthday?

May 17th

18. When did you start your blog?

About three and a half years ago, I think. 

19. What is your opinion on the Kardashians?

I don’t particularly care. 

20. How would you describe your style?

What style? This bitch is a mess. 

21. What color is your hair?

Naturally, like a honey blond/light brunette. Right now i’ve got little baby blue/silver tips. 

22. What color socks are you wearing?

I’m wearing sandels right now, so none! 

23. What is your dream job? 

A family attorney. 

24. Dogs or cats?

Both!

25. What makes you weird?

Pretty much everything. I’m just a weird kind of guy.

26. Celebrity crush?

Gwendoline Christie, Andy Mientus, Micheal B. Jordan, and Cara Delevingne come to mind 

27. Opinion on cigarettes?

Ew. Bad and gross. 

28. Do you want children/how many?

I’ve always wanted kids. I want four, maybe? 

29. 3 favorite boy names?

Oliver, William, and Henry. 

30. 3 favorite girl names?

Penelope, Lucy, and Claire.  

31. Favorite plant?

Pitcher Plants! 

32. Favorite form of art?

Charcoal pencil, or watercolor. 

33. What is your shoe size?

11 on my right foot, 9 ½ on my left. I wish I was joking. 

34. Money or brains?

Ideally both, but brains, obviously. 

35. What color looks best on you?

I’ve been told dark greens, light pink, and dark blue look good. 

36. What is a weird phase you went through when you were younger?

Eating random condiments, and also when I was really little I thought I was a mermaid. 

37. Favorite brand of shampoo+conditioner?

I really like LUSH shampoo bars!!!

38. Favorite pizza toppings?

Pepperoni, mushroom, and green olive. 

39. Opinions on veganism?

People can do whatever they want. I just couldn’t do it. 

40. Favorite book of all time?

Can’t choose! 

41. Favorite actor?

Andy Mientus, and Leonardo Di Caprio  come to mind off of the top of my head. 

42. Favorite actress?

Lupita Nyong’o

43. Favorite dessert?

Ice cream, red velvet cake, my grandma’s angel food cake, dunno. I like desserts. 

44. Favorite food?

Sushi

45. Last text you sent?

It’s technically a message, and I sent it to you. “I’m answering your ask thing and I don’t like you rn”

46. Last person you called?

My mama. 

47. What is your favorite place to shop?

A tiny place in town called ‘Purple Rose Boutique’ 

48. Favorite model?

Don’t have one. I pay no attention to models. 

49. What language do you want to learn?

ASL

50. What are your favorite make up brands?

Too Faced, ABH, and Buxom. 

@goopdaddy you’re on my hit list now. My hands hurt. 

[artificialqueens]

New Man Pt. 2 - Fucking Awful.

A/N: THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR KIND FEEDBACK! I am so appreciative that you took the time to read Part 1 of “New Man” and glad to hear you enjoyed it. You all make my little Grinch heart grow 10 sizes.

Here is Part 2 – I know I promised fluff and happiness, but the story took me in a different direction for this chapter. That said, this is Part 2/?? and if you bear with my I promise to take you to the Promised Land of kisses and glitter. Darkness before the dawn, right? 

A good chunk of this is flashback/Roy recounting how we got here, so not as much forward movement as background. Hope you don’t mind some heavy-handed exposition…

Last 2 things – I’m seeing what happens if I switch into Roy’s POV, because I like the narrative structure flipping back and forth between the 2. Would love to get feedback on that, and happy to adapt the structure to one POV or the other if you have strong feelings. AND THIS IS A LONG ONE, sorry if 3K words is brutal.

Thanks for readying, y’all are the real MVPs.

This was going really fucking great.

That was the only thing running through Roy’s mind as he felt Danny smile underneath his kiss. In the 4 hours he’d been in Seattle he thought he had totally screwed up his plan, but somehow things had gotten back on track. Clearly this was meant to –

And then Danny broke away. Suddenly, roughly. Ripping is lips away and pushing off with surprising force. Roy stumbled back a few paces as both men caught their breath.

“No. This is…you’re…no.” Danny picked up the lighter he’d dropped in the heat of the moment, still muttering to himself just low enough that Roy couldn’t hear. Then he grabbed Roy by the forearm and dragged him back into the bar – again, sudden and rough. Roy couldn’t help but giggle just a tiny bit, thinking how ridiculous Danny must look hauling a 40-year-old man off like a misbehaving toddler.

“This isn’t funny, man. What was…ugh!” Throwing his hands off dramatically, Danny let go and continued back to their friends. Shit, the kid was really frustrated and probably even a little mad. Roy steeled himself from the drunken giggles, rejoining the table a few seconds behind.

He was thankful that the crew didn’t acknowledge anything that had just happened – the benefit of drunk friends, amiright? Roy eased back into the group conversation, light chatter about who totally saw the ending coming on Westworld or what memes would make the best protest t-shirts. He took every opportunity to steal an unnoticed look at Danny, who was half participating in the discussion and half furiously clicking at his phone. In his cross-faded fog, Roy couldn’t tell what the kid was doing. Grindr? Writing a novel? Playing Bejeweled – that was still a thing, right?

His stealth staring mission was clearly a failure, though, evidenced by the sharp kick of Jinkx’s boot on his shin.

“OH what the fuck Jinkx?!” Curiosity became shooting pain as Roy clutched for his leg underneath the table.

“Sorry Roy, clumsy as ever! Let me grab you a drink, dull the pain. Come with me to the bar?” The redhead emphasized the last request with Uzo Aduba-level crazy eyes. This was not a request, and while Jinkx didn’t intimidate Roy he was too fuzzy to fight.

“Sure, queen. Somebody has to make sure you don’t drop the booze.” Oof, his snapbacks were weak tonight. The two left the table and headed to see Todd at the bar.

“I’ll take a –“

“Oh no, you’ll have a water. Todd, water for Bianca del Drunko. I’ll take a few shots of Jack for the table, and Ginger backs.” Roy pouted and raised an eyebrow, sorting through his Rolodex of Hate for a quippy insult about ginger and redheads and minj, but finding his speed dulled a bit by the smoke and alcohol.

Jinkx turned back to him. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you right now but get it together. Jesus, del Rio, you’re supposed to be the mature one. The rest of us get to fuck things up. Just drink your water and mellow out for a minute.” The redhead knew about Roy’s plan, his oh-so-secret plan to use this weekend to woo Danny, and could tell he was putting it at risk.

“Alright, alright Jinkx. Don’t get so worked up you fall asleep on me.”

The joke fell flat. “You can do better than that.”

“Damn straight I can. You –“

For what had to be the millionth time that night, Roy was interrupted. This time by his phone, pinging with a text – from Danny. Roy looked over to the table to see what was going on, but all he saw was the kid deep in conversation and finally ignoring his phone. Roy swiped to open…

Danny: What the hell, Roy? I know we haven’t gotten to see much of each other since I moved up here, but something is different about you and it’s really fucked. You’ve been acting like a bit of a cunt the last few weeks, you hardly call me or Shane or even your mom anymore, and now you’re here doing everything you can to cheat on your boyfriend? With strangers, with me…This isn’t you, and if it is then I’m not sure I know you anymore.

Roy scanned the text eight more times before throwing his phone down on the bar. Jinkx didn’t flinch, too occupied flirting with one of the cute bartenders. Seizing the moment, Roy grabbed the three shots of Jack the guy had poured and knocked them back in quick succession. It wasn’t until the slam of the last shot glass onto the bar that the redhead looked up, just in time to see Roy storming for the exit.

As he stood out on the curb, trying desperately to get an Uber with his now smashed up phone, there was only one thing running through Roy’s mind:

This was going really fucking awful.

—

Roy woke up suddenly, eyes snapping open to his unfamiliar hotel room lit by dawn creeping through haphazardly closed curtains. He rolled over to look at the clock – 5:12am. It figures, Roy was never one to sleep off a night of drinking. While most people spent the next day wrapped in blankets and sleeping like a rock until at least 11am, he always seemed to be yanked out of slumber after only a few hours of restless shut-eye. Sometime between 5am and 6am he would be awake, mind reeling and trying unsuccessfully to will himself back to sleep until the headache went away.

This morning was no different – only the pain was so, so much worse. Sure, he used three shots of whiskey to put an exclamation mark on a night of heavy drinking, but the pain that was nagging him most was emotional. Roy grabbed for his phone – oh right, it was smashed to shit by angry Bianca last night – and re-read Danny’s text. He was hit by a sudden wave of nausea, a feeling that made him want to cry as it made him want to vomit. He grabbed a bottle of water from the minibar, charge be damned, and chugged the whole thing has he tried to figure out how the hell he had screwed this up so badly.

—

His plan was never *simple*, but that wouldn’t be Roy’s style. As Bob had frequently told him, he was a “lover of complexity” and couldn’t help himself. The plan to woo Danny was no different.

To say he cooked this up when he caught Sky sleeping with one of his personal training clients 2 weeks ago was only half right. Roy had actually planned to spend the three months off between the US and UK legs of Not Today Satan to finally make a play for Danny, but bitch moved to Seattle before he could make any of the many grand gestures he’d cooked up. In the first few weeks after Danny left, when the kid’s social media had been flooded with posts about how much he loved Seattle and the people, Roy hit a real low point. Jealous, exhausted, and feeling quite sorry for himself, he met Sky in a bar and hooked up with him a few times before falling into an effortless relationship.

Effortless not in the good sense of the word, though; effortless in the sense that Roy put in literally no effort, and didn’t care to make it work. The guy was named SKY after all – Roy could barely believe he’d been able to fuck a guy named Sky for 2 whole months, but he supposed the abs helped. Sky was just a nice distraction, a pretty shiny toy to brag about when he needed to overcompensate in conversations with Danny and Shane…which had quickly become all the time. He learned a hot, rich boyfriend is a great way to deflect questions about himself or his wellbeing. The new man, combined with dialing the bitchiness up to 11, was like armor; helpful in denying to himself and the outside world that he was not in a good place.

But when Roy walked in on Sky with his 2pm-Tuesdays balls deep in his ass, he resolved that even in his lowest moments he had the self-respect not to date a cheater. So he cut if off with Sky and 20 minutes later booked a 2 week trip to Seattle. Time to put the Noriega-Haylock plan back in action, for the thousandth time in 4 years.

This time, Roy would show Danny how perfect and the right kind of effortless they could be. He would breeze into town – but let’s be real, Roy never breezes – and seamlessly integrate himself into the Seattle version of Danny’s life. He would meet the new friends, support him at all his local shows, become a member at the EMP…hell he’d even buy a few flannels and a beanie. At the same time, Roy would make his feelings for Danny abundantly clear. He was confident that Danny reciprocated them; he knew it in his heart, but he also knew because Danny had told him on more than one occasion. Three times over the course of their friendship Danny had been the fearless one and professed his love for Roy. Ok, so maybe fearless is the wrong word – the drunk and cross-faded one may be a more apt description – but the point was that Roy knew Danny wanted this as much as he did. He felt it in his soul, his mind, every fiber of his body. Now it was time to make it real.

After booking the flights, he called Dela to layout his plan. He knew he needed a confidante in this, and it wouldn’t be fair to Shane to put him in the middle of this.

“B, I’m really glad you’re finally taking the plunge with Danny. It’s been too long coming. But you realize you have 2 big problems, right?” Ben was his always-enthusiastic self, but had some concerns. “You still aren’t solving the long-distance and time problem you’ve always been worried about.”

“We’ll find a way to work through it. I have to stop using that as an excuse to not give this a chance.”

“Very big of you, and I agree. But, uh, the second thing – don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“Well, funny story – no. That was always a waste of my time – c’mon, his name was SKY – and I caught him getting fucked by a bear about an hour ago.”

“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry! Are you ok? Are you alone?” Ben launched into caregiver mode, instantly making Roy uncomfortable.

“No, Ben I’m really fine. It was not –“

“I know Michelle’s in town, she’s always my breakup guru, maybe you should –“

Fuck. Roy realized a major problem. If he announced to his friends (and social media, shit) that he and his new man had broken up, his life would become an endless barrage of sympathy. Everything he’d done to ward off questions about the bags under his tired eyes, the increasingly infrequent and short calls to friends and family, and the mess in his usually tidy life would crumble. Roy couldn’t have that – he was fine, he was the caretaker for everyone else, and he couldn’t stand people to fuss over his well-being.

It was in that moment that he made the decision that made the plan *complex* - “Ben, stop. I’m fine, really I’m ok. Peachy fucking keen. But can I ask one favor of you? One tiny thing and I’ll name my next dog after you?”

“Anything, dear.”

“Do not – and I repeat, do NOT – tell anyone that Sky and I broke up.”

“What?” Ben was confused, understandably.

“I don’t want to deal with all of these conversations about it, and the only person who really needs to know right now is Danny. I’ll tell him in person when I’m in Seattle, please just keep quiet about it until then.”

“I’m not sure that’s the best…”

“Please, Dela. Just let me do this my way?”

After a long pause – “Ok, alright, sure. Let me go on record saying I don’t think that’s a healthy way to handle this.”

“Dually noted, Judge Judy. Thank you, I appreciate it.” Roy hung up with Dela and began crafting his “casual” message to Danny to tell him he’d be in town. Mid-way through the 5th round of editing, his phone rang: Jinkx.

“Hey Jinkx, can I call you back I –“

“Are you an idiot? I mean really, are the blonde wigs affecting your brain?” Jinkx steamrolled him.

“Excuse me?” “Dela is on with me – I know what you’re coming to Seattle to do –“

“Well now it’s to come cut up that bitch Dela’s wigs. I asked you one thing, you little fruit fly –“ “Sorry Roy, I –“

“Don’t apologize, Ben. He was right to tell me, he’s going to be out of town when you get here and someone has to help you not screw this up. I know we can’t talk you out of it, but at least let us try to support you. This is big risk, big reward, and it could – you’re going to need wing-people.”

Roy knew there was no point in fighting. As good natured as Jinkx was, bitch was aggressive. If we wanted to help, goddammit he was going to help. With a sigh – “Ok, you’re in on this. Great. But please let me handle this they way I want to – I need to. Danny and I are endgame to a long, long story and I have to do this the way I feel is right. If this gets out beyond the two of you, I will call Darienne and Roxxxy so that those shady elephants can trample you. Is that clear?”

“Sure, whatever you say.” Jinkx scoffed.

Ben soothed. “What Jinkx means to say, Roy, is we are here for you and support you. We are so happy you’re finally going after what we’ve all seen for years.”

“Yes, all that.” Jinkx reassured. “And I promise I won’t let you fuck it up.”

Roy laughed. “Gee, thanks.” Now, with less sarcasm – “I do actually appreciate it. But I think I got this.”

It was Jinkx’s turn for sarcasm. “Uh huh, sure.”

—

It did not bring Roy any joy to have proven Jinkx right. Again, he felt nauseous.

He had basically blown his chance with Danny on the first night but if he was being honest the mistakes started long before. The sexting. See, Roy refused to tell anyone else – not Shane, not Detox, nobody – about his breakup with Sky. That meant a lot of nights alone before his trip to Seattle, pretending to be busy to avoid having to be avoidant. That also meant a lot of solo wine nights, which somehow quickly devolved into sending dirty texts – so, so many dirty texts – to Danny. Now that he was committing to his pursuit, the fact that his every sexual fantasy had the same male lead was not something Drunk Roy felt the need to hide. At some point every night, his filter would disappear and he’d send Danny a (he thought) beautifully written description of the patterns he wanted to draw across his body with his tongue, the ways in which he wanted to tie up and be tied, the rhythms he wanted to pound into him, etc.

That Danny did not respond to these texts or bring them up in their regular conversations was a little confusing to Roy, but he was glad for it. He figured Danny just read them when he was equally pissed drunk – he knew he deleted messages as he read them – and forgot about it. At least that’s what he hoped, so that there could be some element of surprise in his plan. But seeing Danny’s reaction to the kiss and everything after, Roy understood he was wrong. It seemed like Danny was actually mad about it – not a reaction he had expected.

And then there was the bar – for that, Roy couldn’t muster an explanation or an excuse. He knew that he did this. During times of high anxiety and stress, Roy makes terrible decisions when he drinks. He tried for years to understand how or why, but for some reason worry plus whiskey turns him into a bad idea machine. This wasn’t the first time the same combination ended with him lip-locked (or worse) with a stranger that he later regretted. He should’ve just kept it low-key last night, not drinking much if at all so that he could play it cool with Danny. But nerves got the best of Roy, and from the moment he got on the plane he’d been building a buzz. By the time he got to the bar he was browning out, and he barely remembered how he ended up cuddled up with this random guy.

It wasn’t until Danny started singing that damn song that Roy realized what was going on. Immediately he was horrified – it looked like he was cheating on his boyfriend. Not only did he ignore the love of his life when he had flown to Seattle to see him, but he also appeared to be committing Danny’s #1 cardinal unforgivable sin. He immediately stood up and left the stranger’s table, and rejoined his so-called friends – What the fuck, why didn’t Jinkx stop him? What kind of wing-person was that? Roy sat for a few minutes, half seething and half feeling like he was actually going to die of embarrassment and sadness. When he saw Danny get up to leave, he jumped at the chance to catch him outside and apologize.

And yet – again, with the good ideas from Drunk Roy – instead of apologizing he found himself aggressively accosting Danny before going in for the kiss he’d dreamed about for years. And for just a few seconds, Roy thought everything was going to be ok. He thought that despite all his mistakes today, the last two weeks, the last few years…he thought he’d finally gotten it right. But we all saw how that ended…

—

Finished with a second bottle of water now, Roy emerged from his self reflective daze. He stared at the text from Danny hoping against all hope that he would feel better and last night could be erased and that he could save him and Danny. But when he looked down at the message for the thousandth time, he had to choke back searing tears.

I’m not sure I know you anymore.

“Sometimes I don’t think I know me anymore either, kid.” He muttered. He rifled through is bag to find some Benadryl – the only way he can sleep some days – and popped two of the pink pills before rolling back to bed. “But I’ll make this right. God and Joan Rivers help me, we’re gonna do this.”

Roy couldn’t fix anything now, so at least he could try to sleep.  

—

[End of Part 2]

[lesbianbruabba]

All of the questions 😈

Jokes on you bitch I have time since I’m waiting for drag race to air but oh my god this is gonna be long so i’ll pull an Iza and put it under a read more 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I don’t know

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Shy, even though I don’t feel like I am, people tell me I’m shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My brother when he comes here oh my god. I miss him. I’m going to make him watch a couple crazy music videos and possibly scar him. 

@lettiehigh and @akakuro4869-blog and @rippling-waves when I get back to Hong Kong and Tiff and Bella and Karl and Ellie and Miss R and everyone else

@samrull and Lettie again and maybe @lecafenoirx if I go to Bristol in September to see flor

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I’d say so! Unless you give me a reason to dislike you lol

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Probably but that’s a stupid question since I don’t drink :)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind people. Usually more on the feminine side? Even the more muscular guys that I thirst after have a few feminine traits like a higher-pitched voice.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Nope, I’m going back to Hong Kong so there’s even less chance of me being in a relationship lol

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Ryan Ross [insert tongue emoji]

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nope. I’m usually way too open, quite a few of my friends are this way too. Literally one time my brother and I shared a hotel room and the first thing he said when my folks were out of earshot is complaining how he can’t jack off for a whole week (I asked him why he couldn’t do it in the shower, he said it was too much effort to do so standing up XD)

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Kasia or Iza about body image? define deep

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Call him or dump his useless ass?” to Lettie

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Victorious by P!atD, Dodie Clark’s cover of Somebody Else by the 1975, I Need My Girl by the National, Pożyczony by Sylwia Grzeszczak and Honey by Kehlani

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah! People at school used to love braiding my hair because it was so long. And I like playing with people’s hair, because I can French braid on others but I can’t do it with myself :/

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Sometimes?

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I’ll say last summer since it’s not quite summer yet now. Well, I was accepted into Edi, got a 38 on the IBDP which is not too bad, and celebrated my birthday with my squad (rip)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yep :)

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I fkin hope not 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

My first actual crush or like, elementary school crush? But no on both counts

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I’ve never had one :/ I’ve never had a ~bath~ tbh. I want to try in the summer because home in Hong Kong has a bathtub. 

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I like my flatmates here, we like the same kind of porn and vines. I don’t know my neighbors well enough back home

21. What are you bad habits?

I trust too easily, I am intelligent but lazy when it comes to schoolwork (I procrastinate), I worry way too fucking much about everything, I have crushes on people that I should NOT have crushes on sometimes (see: gay men)

22. Where would you like to travel?

I answered this a while back I think but as far as I could remember it’s a lot of european places - Oslo, Aarhus (I’m going to Copenhagen!!), Moscow, Tallinn, Berlin, Lublin, Warsaw, Kraków, Gdańsk, Lyon, Lisbon, Prague, honestly just count in every capital haha. I’m not good at geography. Also, Tasmania, Tokyo, Osaka (I’ve been twice but it’s. So good), London, Glasgow are all places I’d go again. 

23. Do you have trust issues?

With my mum yeah lmao

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Talking to my friends (basically everyone I’ve tagged up there I don’t have many friends lmao)

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My thighs because they’re heavily scarred, my tummy because fat, double chin, face because weirdly big lips and weird shape and small eyes, honestly most of my body if I’m being honest, when I’m not corseted. 

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Go through tumblr, twitter, instagram, kik, snapchat, emails, facebook, usually in that order. And then maybe scroll a bit more through tumblr and drag myself awake. Brush teeth and drink juice for breakfast. 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

My skin tone is fine. I’m kinda pale for a Chinese girl (according to others, but my skin’s gotten darker in recent years) so I sometimes have to use white people products. I only lighten my skin for doing goth-y makeup so in those instances i’d love to have lighter skin. (then again, I’m talking like...wallpaper white if possible pls)

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My friends and my brother. 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

What exes lmao

30. Do you ever want to get married?

If it’s with the right person yeah. 

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

My hair is long enough for several pony tails

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Men - Jawn and Ryan Ross

Women - Stephanie Beatriz and Lynn Gunn

33. Spell your name with your chin

 cbhreusftjd

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Exactly - what sports?

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV. I can’t live without music. 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Would’ve said yes up to this morning haha

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

So, do you know what a furry is?

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Emo, responsible, kind, good sense of humor, understanding, appreciates Ryan Ross, doesn’t mind me checking my phone a lot [insert date in Hong Kong meme]

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Damaged Society for band merch, Ann Summers for lingerie, various taobao shops for lolita fashion, Restyle for corsets

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Study linguistics at university. Hey! I’m doing that!

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No but most people do

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I don’t feel like talking/I’m depressed/I’m thinking

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Not like randomly?...

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

NEITHER I LIKE BEING SAFE OH MY GOD

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Brushing my teeth or needing to pee?

46. What are you paranoid about?

I’m paranoid that I won’t graduate uni, about not being able to find a job that I will be happy at (doesn’t have to be a dream job but I don’t want to work at something I hate like a factory), I’m paranoid that no one will ever love me esp. romantically, that my family will never accept me as a bisexual woman, that I won’t be able to migrate to the UK before I’m 30 or worse before China takes back Hong Kong in 2047 and I will be trapped in hellish censorship conservative society, that depression and anxiety will drive me to off myself before any of that could even happen

47. Have you ever been high?

Noooooooooo don’t do drugs :( I say, even though I am friends with a drug dealer lol

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nope, alcohol tastes gross

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Recently no. But like when I was a kid yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Pink!

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Every day :/

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I want to weigh 80lbs. It’s been this stupid ‘goal’ throughout teenagehood and I know it’s stupid and unhealthy but I really want to. I don’t care if I won’t have boobs. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Maybelline has good concealer

54. Favourite store?

Damaged Society

55. Favourite blog?

Can’t make me pick between these two 

56. Favourite colour?

Pink

57. Favourite food? 

Tiramisu and also siu mai but only the fish ones because they taste like garlic and also calbee chips, british junk food is garbage compared to the stuff we have in hong kong (they’ve got good sweets here though)

58. Last thing you ate?

Spaghetti carbonara

59. First thing you ate this morning?

I didn’t eat today till dinner which was spaghetti carbonara

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I got first runner up in a nationwide comp for poetry. I wrote a depressing poem that ended up with my English teacher sending a concerned email to my folks lol

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

*gasp* I am a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?

Oh my god. I’m a good girl. I’m not with that kinda shit

63. Ever been in love? 

I have fallen in love but not like...reciprocated love, no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Ooh this is fun. He offered to be my first kiss and I said sure and we made out and it was nice and less scary than I thought but I forgot to close my eyes

65. Are you hungry right now?

No I had too much spaghetti :(((((

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

are you calling my tumblr friends fake

But no I love them all. Also given that half of my irl friends are on tumblr idk what to say lmao

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr is the MOST SUPERIOR SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE IT IS TRASH

69. Are you watching tv right now?

We’d need a TV license for that. and a TV. so no

I’ve got netflix

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Lettie, Chloe, Iza, Natalie, Daniel (my brother), Karl, Bella (but she’s mad at me so idk), there’s a couple of people who I consider close friends but idk if they’re okay with me calling them my best friends

71. Craving something? What?

A GETAWAY FROM THE SMOOTH TALK THAT’S KEEPING ME GROUNDED  TO THE CARPET IN MY ROOM MY QUIET BLUE TOMB OF YOU

72. What colour are your towels?

Both purple why

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One. Or zero if I kick it to the floor by accident. I mostly hug it.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

No :(

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

zero. I have a stuffed L Lawliet from Death Note though. It’s a present for my mum when I get home. I’ve also got a few stuffies back home courtesy of Lettie and Bella

75. Favourite animal?

Humans but I like dogs and cats and rats are kinda cute too?

76. What colour is your underwear?

Right now it’s white but I’ve got beige and grey ones I’m kinda boring

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Coffee

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

White, my waterparks shirt :)

80. What colour pants?

Blue denim shorts

81. Favourite tv show?

Drag race, b99, the good place, parks and rec, ASOUE

82. Favourite movie?

Dzien Swira it’s funny and depressing

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean girls but i’ve not seen the second one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean girls, idk what the other one is

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

The nice girl

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk...the blue fish? Ellen Degeneres? 

87. First person you talked to today?

Iza

88. Last person you talked to today?

Kasia

89. Name a person you hate?

Uhhhhhhhm Doanld Trump?

90. Name a person you love?

My brother he’s so smart and creative and sweet and makes the worst puns and he loves fall out boy and tries to be an edgelord and it’s super adorable so that’s great 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

My feelings bc they dumb

92. In a fight with someone?

Kiiiiiiiinda? More like she’s mad at me and idk what to do about it because i refuse to go to fucking london with her because international plane tickets are expensive as heck and she wants me to go in the middle of summer when i’m home

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

easy, 0

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

A Lot. Like 10. 

95. Last movie you watched?

Dzien Swira

96. Favourite actress?

Sara Canning and Stephanie Beatriz make me v gay

97. Favourite actor?

Neil Patrick Harris because Count Olaf

98. Do you tan a lot?

No lmao

99. Have any pets?

m-my brother...?

100. How are you feeling?

Impatient because drag race hasn’t aired yet. Lonely because my favorite flatmate moved out and there’s no one to chat with me at 3am anymore. Frustrated because my crush-y feelings are being dumb. Sad because my mum is kiiiiiiiiiiiinda homophobic and I imagine myself getting married to a woman not a man (it’s more likely) so :/

101. Do you type fast?

68 WPM? Is that fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

I regret a lot of things. But it’s okay I’ve not turned out too bad overall considering. I’m also glad I did a lot of things, so

103. Can you spell well?

I think so yeah

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes absolutely in particular one person because sometimes I regret things that I did with good intentions and never stop regretting :/

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

I’ve been to a campfire so kinda??

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Nah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes!! When I was a kid

108. What should you be doing?

It’s 1am so prolly sleeping but who has time for that amirite

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah my mum. And my feelings

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yes lmaoooooo don’t read me like this

111. Do you have trust issues?

This was a question up there. Why is it asked again. You’re making me have trust issues

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Ooh shit I don’t know I haven’t cried in front of people for a while mostly because I shut myself in my room but prolly my brother or my mum back home 

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Never had one (that I liked)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

~that’s not a thing~ uwu

115. Do you play the Wii?

No my mum is against video games

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yes I’m listening to Dear Uber Driver

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Never had it

118. Do you like Chinese food?

I like dim sum and egg tarts and a lot of HK street food so yes? 

119. Favourite book?

Suck Less by Willam

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Sometimes, but at other times it’s oddly comforting

121. Are you mean?

:o I am the least mean person to exist 

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No unless it’s in NTAL but even then it’s like hmmmm is it tho

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Lol no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I think it’s possible but unlikely

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah I’d like to

126. Are you currently bored?

No because this is keeping me entertained until I can watch drag race

127. What makes you happy?

Talking to my friends, sending them dumb tumblr shitposts, sending my brother disturbing gifs, getting weird gifs from Chloe, thirsting over Jawn with Iza, hearing that my friends are happy, reading and sharing poetry with friends, listening to music, playing the ukulele, eating junk food and watching b99, answering tumblr asks, writing poetry, drawing

128. Would you change your name?

I don’t like Christie so yes. Would change my Chinese name too it’s too annoying to write. 

129. What your zodiac sign?

Leo//rabbit

130. Do you like subway?

No :(

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Brenda, he’s gay. Very very very gay, think a 6 on the kinsey scale

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Again. this has been asked. What kinda unprofessionalism

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I think with my heart and love with my head

134. Can you count to one million?

I mean...in theory yes but why would I do that 

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I told my mum I was striaght lmao

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed. What the fuck

137. How tall are you?

5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?

I have straight hair, I want wavy hair. Or bangs. 

139. Brunette or Blonde?

I have black hair. I tend to have blondes/general bright hair as a ‘type’ when it comes to romantic affection/crushes but it’s also not v accurate

also, I want pink hair. I had a dream where my brother loved MANIA so much he dyed his hair purple

140. Summer or Winter?

WINTER. BUT WITHOUT SNOW. Summer brings out my skin problems so I have a v valid reason to hate it. Also I’m fat so my thigh chafe in summer if I walk more than an hour

141. Night or Day?

I am usually, unfortuantely, only awake at night and like maybe late afternoon. 

142. Favourite month?

I don’t have one. December I guess bc it’s acceptable to play christmas music. or June bc pride month

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope. I don’t love meat though. 

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk. With sea salt and caramel. I’m a classy hoe

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee. Either iced americano or some sweet frappe shit

146. Was today a good day?

Today was a very good day. I told my crush I liked her, slept away most of the day, watched a lot of brooklyn nine-nine and listened to Dodie while doing German and Polish on duolingo and I read Chloe’s poetry and it was very good. Link here. And Kasia gave me lots of good song recs. And drag race is up soon (it’s technically tomorrow but whatever). 

147. Mars or Snickers?

I can’t pick because Snickers has such a great texture, but also mars bars has the perfect nougat to caramel to chocolate ratio? Probably mars wins out by a bit

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Hewwo” - Aquaria, RuPaul’s Drag Race

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

I’d like to think souls can see what we’re doing after they pass away.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Adjective opposites and their comparatives” from a Polish grammar book.

Thank you for this long ass ask 

drag race still hasn’t fucking aired so i’m gonna watch more b99 and drink fanta