#that's always been my thought process of how it works

[t-a-a-1]

Can you do bayverse optimus ?Tlk if you can.It can be whatever you want i love your scrumptious writing hehe also ignore this if you're uncomfortable!^_^

Raindrops

Summary: Optimus asks you a very important question.

A/N: Written after the happenings of TLK. 4K Words

Raindrops

....

Everyday since he met you, he’s asked himself the same question. 

“Would you come with me?”

It was a question he had imagined the answer to. A resounding ‘no’.

Optimus didn’t see any reason why you would want to go with him to Cybertron. Leaving your friends, family and career behind. All the commodities Earth provided you will be gone the moment you decide to come with him.

And it’s not like he offers you a beautiful home. Cybertron was hostile, after the war it had become ruins. He dreamed many times of showing you his home in its golden age. You would have loved the museums, the theaters, the libraries, the arts. Would you have loved them as much you love your planet? Would it be enough for you to want to stay?

“It seems Earth and Cybertron’s destiny has always been intertwined,” the sun is setting. Optimus looks at his home planet, now on Earth’s orbit. “If that had been any other celestial object, it would probably cause catastrophic events. But it seems like Cybertron was made to not disturb Earth’s gravitational pull and magnetic fields.”

Your field wasn’t physics but you had basic knowledge on how things worked. Just like he expected you to do, you started to ask the real questions. Something he was trying to avoid as long as he could. 

“But I wonder if that’s because Cybertron currently lacks a core … Maybe once we are able to restore it, Cybertron’s gravitational pull will be too strong and destroy Earth.”

You look at him but he seems lost in thought. You didn’t blame him, having his home planet back must be unbelievable. After so many years of war and lost friends, what he always wanted is right here. 

“When that happens, we’ll have to send Cybertron back to its original place in the universe.”

You expected him to continue the conversation some way or another but it's as if he wasn’t listening or rather he did not want to. Maybe he is tired of everything and wishes to leave immediately. Probably not wanting to deal with humans anymore. 

Sighing heavily, you turn around, the wind moving your hair. The smell of the grass was strong and so a new aroma. It was hard to describe. Metal but alive. It was probably Cybertron. It didn’t bother you but it was different. 

Looking back at Optimus made you realize that maybe he wanted to be alone. It is a lot of process for today. 

“Well, then I guess this is goodbye–”

And suddenly, a servo is in front of you. Stopping you from walking any further. You look back, only to find Optimus’ faceplate extremely close to you. 

“I-I … My apologies, I don’t know what took over me.”

It’s like you triggered something in him with your words. But you weren’t sure what. Now he looks confused and lost. As if I wanted to say more but can’t or don't have the words. You wanted to guess but your mind made you believe stupid ideas. Ones in which you prefer to not indulge any longer. They will only cause you unnecessary pain. 

“It’s alright, you must be emotional. That’s all.”

You wait for a few seconds in which you could see Optimus’ blue optics in all of their glory. They were beautiful as they were mysterious. So close that you could see the small circuitry and cables that make up his optics. Such intricacy that you find yourself lost in them. 

And then … you are ashamed. 

“I must go.”

You say as you look away, expecting him to move his servo but he doesn’t. 

“I must go.”

You say again and this time you see the hesitancy in his faceplace.

He slowly removes his servo and distances himself from you. His optics looks away and then looks at you in a repetitive manner. 

“Do you–”

“I–”

“Oh sorry, you go first–” You raise a hand, trying to get his attention only to be interrupted by the Prime. 

“No, you go first.”

It was awkward. And the fact that it was that way made you wonder what went wrong. In what moment did things between the two of you become so uncomfortable? Was it just the sudden realization of final peace? Was it too unrealistic for the two of you to believe? What is it? 

“Nothing, I was just wondering if there’s something you wanted to say before I leave?”

Optimus servo clutch into fits. He opens his intake but nothing would come out. It was strange to see him this way. So confused, so … innocent. As if he was a kid trying to ask for another piece of cake. Too shy to ask and yet you find these small moments to be a treasure. 

“I was just wondering …” 

He hesitates again. He closes his optics and lets out a heavy vent. Turning his entire body around, you are unable to see his faceplate. 

“When the time comes … Will you …”

His voice becomes so low that you are unable to hear him. 

“What?” 

You ask him, confused by his sudden lack of confidence. 

“Will you … me?”

He says again but the loud wind and low tone voice weren’t helping the situation. 

“... What?”

You ask once again, your voice gets louder, showing your clear annoyance at being unable to hear him.

“Will you come to Cybetron with me?!”

Suddenly, he turns around, you can see his faceplate again. 

It was that expression again. One that you had only seen a few times. That of pure distress. Worriness. Anxiety. You had seen it before. During that time you had been captured by a Decepticon, badly injured and bleeding. His troubled expression was the last thing you saw before going unconscious. 

But now? What was that distressed look for? What was he so worried about?

“I, I–”

What were you nervous for? Why were you stuttering? Your cheeks are getting hotter and you can’t speak. You can’t manage words. The expression on his faceplate had left you stunned as your brain tried to understand the reasoning behind it. 

The longer you take to answer, the more pain is evident on his faceplate. His eyebrows squish together and his optics tremble. His lips formed a thin line that slowly became an upside down smile. He is begging you to end his torment and yet you know you have to tell him the truth. 

.

.

.

.

It’s quiet around the hangar. 

A small base had been built near Stonehenge. It was the logical thing to do after Cybertron had appeared above the ancient pillars. Although the American Government wasn’t too pleased to make negotiations with the British to let them have a base in their land. 

You weren’t even supposed to be here but due to all the commotion in the last days, they let you stay. As well, Optimus and the rest of the Autobots enjoyed your stay. No one asked you when you will leave nor ever mentioned that you were a bothered. So you decided to stay for a couple of days until things settle down. 

And because your boss had asked you to stay and bring back the full story when you are done. 

“Are we just going to pretend Prime is ok?”

“Not like we can do much either or.”

They probably didn’t see you. As they were too busy talking to each other, carrying a few boxes of what you thought to be Energon. Meanwhile, you were typing on your laptop behind some piles of metal. It’s not like you were hiding but you rather found yourself a place where you could not be bothered when you needed to concentrate. 

“I still can’t believe (Y/N) said no … I thought the two of them had a strong bond.”

“Yes but everything she knows is here,” Bumblebee puts down his box as Hot Rod walks close by.  “Besides, they were too different … things wouldn’t work out.” 

“But does she even know that Optimus’s processor has identified her as his Conjunx?” Hot Rod also puts the Energon box down and sits on top of it. “Boss-Bot won’t be able to attach to anyone ever again … Isn’t that a bit cruel?”

“Cruel?” Bumblebee inquiries. “His Conjunx is someone who lives a fraction of our lives. The universe enjoys the game and the Primes are the pawns.” 

“And they know how to play well.”

It started to rain. It wasn’t unusual for rain to come and go in England. 

The bots look at it with amusement. This was unknown in Cybertron. It will take a long time before they can rebuild Cybertron and go back home but this will be one of the things they will miss the most. 

“What is a Conjunx?”

You came out of your hiding spot, behind the bots and they quickly stumble in their steps as they look down on you. 

“What are you doing there?!”

“What is a Conjunx?”

You ask again, not caring whether Hot Rod or Bumblebee looked like they just had seen a ghost. 

“You don’t need to know that,” Bumblebee quickly starts to walk away while Hot Rod keeps looking back and forth. He looks hesitant but doesn’t speak, waiting for Bee’s next action. 

“You said Optimus saw me as his Conjunx,” you don’t move but rather speak loud enough for him to hear. 

“Yes but there’s no need–”

“She should know,” Hot Rod interrupts the talking yellow Mustang. 

“Optimus wouldn’t want it,” Bumblebee stops walking and turns to look at his comrade and you. There is certain determination in your eyes, letting him know that you won’t stop pushing it until you find the answers you were looking for. You had always been known for that, probably something Optimus likes about you. 

“Optimus will die of sadness if she doesn’t know.”

Bumblebee doesn't say a thing but just ex-vents heavily. 

.

.

.

“Would you stay with me?”

That’s what you wanted to ask but you already knew the answer. A resounding ‘no’. There was nothing for him on Earth. Humanity had once betrayed him and now he is doubtful. Humanity will help rebuild Cybertron and after that the transformers will leave. It would be a selfish thing to ask him to stay. You can’t ask him to give up on everything he fought for. His home, his family and friends, everything was on Cybertron. And you just were a human who wanted him to stay. 

It’s still raining. 

But that doesn’t mean you’ll stop looking for him. 

Although you can already feel yourself getting sick. Your hair is wet and your clothes damp. 

It wasn’t unusual to rain in England but you hated how unpredictable the weather was. The wind was also strong but the base was already too far away to back away now. You had to find him. 

Suddenly, a truck you immediately recognized makes his way towards you. The bot you were looking for appeared in front of you but he aggressively stops and opens his pilot door, signaling to go in. 

You didn’t hesitate and jumped right in. Optimus closes the door and starts driving away as you are welcomed with warmness. Although you were cold and tired, you didn’t wait any longer.

“I was looking for–”

“Have you gone mad?” Optimus asks, his voice showing his clear annoyance. “ What are you doing in the rain without proper protection?”

“What? That doesn’t matter, I was–”

You wanted to start asking questions but you started to sneeze. 

“How can I leave knowing you are this helpless?”

And after that, all previous questions left your mind. 

“Excuse me? I can take care of myself.”

“Your actions tell me otherwise.”

You roll your eyes, maybe he had a point. Running in the rain to look for him was probably not the best of ideas. But you were not about to tell him that. 

“And what about you?” you sneeze again although more softly this time as to not to prove his point any further.  “Aren’t you too told to be outside without an umbrella, you could be getting rusty anytime now?”

Optimus didn’t say a word. Your words will resonate at the back of his processor. He can’t believe he ever thought you would say yes to coming to Cybertron with him. You were right, he was an old rusty robot. Too many scars, too many mistakes and injuries. He can’t provide you with anything. Not even a family. 

And yet he is selfish. 

And you sneeze again.

And again.

“Great, I think I am going to get sick.”

He hates that word. Cybertronians also get sick but rarely. But humans are different. According to his research and observations, humans tend to get sick often and tragically a lot of them die. 

Optimus didn’t want to say a word, his pride told him to stay quiet. That you don’t need his concern, you do not wish it nor want it.

But you sneeze again.

“I’ll be taking you to the closest hospital,” he says as he makes a turn, heading for the closest road. 

“I am not going to the hospital, it's just a cold–”

“You are going to the hospital and it's final,”His voice is demanding but you don’t care.

“No, I won’t–”

“Why won’t you take my feelings into consideration?!”

His inside trembles. You could feel how his engine gets louder. The air coming from his vents got warmer and for a moment you felt your heart race. Out of guilt for making the Prime lose composure.

“What if you die?” he asks again. “What would I do after you are gone?”

The more he talks, the more desperate he sounds. As if he was living the circumstances he speaks of. 

“Have you thought what my life would be like without your presence?” you feel the seatbelt across your chest get tighter. “Do you really wish for me to be tormented for eternity.”

“This isn’t about me going to the hospital, is it?”

He doesn’t respond, his silence answers your question. 

“Let me out Prime, I want to talk to you, face to faceplate.”

He drives off the road and takes you to a heavy section of a nearby forest. Raining still, the tall trees prevent the rain from fully touching the ground. But some drops still make it through. Not like you cared about getting wet, you already were but Optimus had other plans. 

Opening the door and removing the seat belt, you jump out of his alt form. You watch him transform, a scene you will never be tired of. It's beautiful as it is scary, yet he is gentle. He knows it can be scary and he moves slower, softly as if not to scare you. 

Optimus doesn’t mass shift but he tries to see you at an eye-level. It must be uncomfortable for him and before you ask him why he doesn’t size-down, you feel him move closer.

He puts one of his large servo on top of you, protecting you from any rain from touching you.

“I want you to be honest with me,” you say as your breath is agitated, your heart pumping against your chest.  “I need to hear it from you.”

“What do you feel for me?”

Without you knowing, Optimus’ spark is also pulsating strongly against his chassis. He moves his optics away for a second, only for them to return to look at you. 

“You are a valuable asset to the Autobot cause.”

“Is that all?”

“You are also an important comrade.” 

You didn’t expect him to fully understand what you were asking. But you were hoping he could read your undertones. 

“I am giving you one last chance,” you say, your hands turning into a fist. You weren’t the best at this either and if you were honest, you didn’t know what you were trying to achieve.  “Is that all you feel for me?”

The Prime has always been known to be eloquent. Especially with words. But when it comes to you, he loses all sense of vocabulary. It didn’t use to be that way. There used to be a time when you meant nothing to him but a friend. 

But you had never stopped looking for him. After the attacks in Chicago, even after Sam’s death, an occurrence in which he blamed himself, you never stopped looking for him

What is it? Why did you do it?

“Look at the rain … Can you count each drop that falls from the sky?”

Optimus moves his optics to look at his surroundings. The rain, the trees, the beauty of nature. It cannot compare to you. 

“No, I can’t,” you respond quickly, your face full of wonder.

“Then, you are the rain,” he says.  “And I am trying to count.”

He sees your hands soften. Your expression had become awkward, with now avoiding eyes and pink cheeks. He has this need to hold you but respects your anatomy. 

“I can’t tell you how I feel because there are not enough words to describe it,” he calculates his words but he finds himself taking longer to answer. “I could recite you all of Cybertronian poetry and yet that doesn't feel enough for me.”

You keep looking at him and he looks away. Your eyes were too beautiful and it distracts him immensely. 

“But if you were to ask me to count each star in the universe I would,” he lets his spark do the talking, finally subsiding the yearning it has been holding for a long time.  “If you asked me to bring you a star, I would bring you a constellation.”

“This old rusted body belongs to you but if you ask me for my silence and distance, I won’t retaliate.” 

“And if I asked you to stay with me, on Earth, would you do it?”

You know it was a selfish question. You didn’t want to make him choose between his world and you. But you just had to know if there was a small possibility, a small chance that the life you had with him could still be a possibility. 

After the accidents in Chicago, you had looked for him, only to find him broken. Sam’s death had affected him greatly but in that grieve of losing loved ones, something sparked. 

Three years. You had lived with him for three years, in an isolated cottage. Where he could have all the dandelions he wanted. Where he could care for animals and the two of you would look at the stars and try to count them. Each one of them. 

“If that’s what you wish,” Optimus says. “I would stay by your side as long as you would have me.”

“I can’t,” you look away this time. “I won’t ask you to stay with me.”

“You have a duty to complete and Cybertron is your home,” there is more to it. More doubts than you are able to articulate.  “When you asked me to go to Cybertron with you, I said no because I don’t think I am worthy to be on your side.”

“Have my actions made you feel this way?” 

“You are Optimus Prime … I think anyone would feel unworthy,” you pause, thinking about the earlier events. “But today, Bumblebee and Hot Rod told me that you see me as your Conjunx.”

Optimus opens his intake only to close it. He looks side to side, trying to evade eye contact. One of the few times you can tell he is shy. But him acting in such a way has also made your body betray you. You wonder if he can tell just how nervous you are. 

“Does that mean — You do?”

“You weren’t supposed to know,” his voice is delicate with an apologetic tone. As if you had just caught him stealing extra energon from the resource room.  “Without noticing, my processor had one day started the Conjunx Ritus and as time passed, we both successfully completed the requirements.”

“And before I knew it, my Spark belonged to you.”

“But we are so different.”

“And yet here we are,” he makes a pause and he hears the rain. He tries to calm down before asking his next question, knowing that this will break his Spark. “Does my affection displease you?”

“No, no, I just–” you stumble with your words. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Is there a possibility that perhaps, in your heart, you reciprocate my sentiments?”

And you stay silent. Mostly because you don’t fully know what is going through your heart and the implications behind it. Can this even be possible? Are your feelings even real? Can he comprehend what your feelings are? Can this … Whatever it is, be real? 

“Please end my torment,” his faceplate looks to be in distress, his optics yearning. Longing for something unknown to the both of you.  “Your silence makes me have hope and I don’t want to suffer when you destroy my delusions.”

Gently, you walk towards him. You reach out a hand and touch his faceplate. Rubbing your soft skin against his cold metal. You watch his optics close, his engine gets louder just a bit but you hear him. As if your touch had saved him, healed him from whatever his processor agonized him with. 

“You are cold,” you say as you put your forehead against his faceplate. “Until you get warm, I’ll stay with you.”

Optimus didn’t need to ask further. You didn’t have to say anything either. He just basks himself into this moment. Not knowing what the future holds but he doesn’t care as long as you are with him. This moment won’t last forever but he wants to think that one day it could be true. 

A moment were he believed he could spend eternity counting the raindrops and stars in the sky with you. 

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A/N: Sorry this took so long. I’ve seen all the Bayverse movies but TLK is a movie that is a bit hard for me to write about because I don’t understand it much lol. But I still hope you like this and that it's not too OOC?  

It was fun to write this! So thank you so much for the request! :) 

[joudeq]

kento x reader

~ cornball

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modern au : nerd!nanami x reader

tags : fluff / AWFUL jokes / hes a silly nerd / TW: exams / modern au / jjk / kento x reader (not gender specific) / oneshot

a/n : just a short nanami drabble bc i love him hes such a stupid loser

context : hes your nerdy roommate and you're both studying for upcoming finals, you find yourself overwhelmed with the workload and he tries cheering you up

ALSO 8 followers i love u guys

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The low hum of your desk lamp filled the otherwise quiet room. The exam was just a couple of days away, and the tension was eating away at you. You had been studying for hours, your brain already tired of trying to memorize everything. Each sentence on the page started to blur together, and you found yourself thinking more about how much you wanted a break than the material in front of you.

Nanami, on the other hand, was the picture of composure. He sat across the room, as usual, his posture straight and his focus unwavering. You could hear the sound of his pen scratching across the paper, making meticulous notes in the margins of his textbook.

You tried to focus on your own work, but it was useless. Your mind kept wandering. Finally, you couldn't take it any longer. You let out an exasperated sigh, slumping down in your chair.

"I'm going to fail," you mumbled, rubbing your eyes in frustration. "I can't do this. There's s no way."

He glanced up from his work, his usual calm and composed expression softened by a hint of concern. "You're fine," he said gently. "You've been studying for weeks. You'll be ready."

You groaned again, feeling the weight of your anxiety pressing down on you. "It just doesn't feel like enough. I can't focus. My brain is mush after digesting that much chemistry at once!"

He set his textbook aside and stood up slowly, walking toward you. He was always so composed, like the world was always under control. But tonight, something about the way he looked at you made him seem a little unsure, even bashful.

"I think you need a break," Nanami said, his voice unusually soft. "Maybe... maybe I could tell you a joke? That might help, right?"

You raised an eyebrow, unsure if he was serious. Nanami? Kento Nanami? Telling a joke? You could never imagine him doing such a thing. His usual serious, no-nonsense demeanor didn't exactly scream 'comedian.'

"You?" you asked, almost teasing. "You want to tell me a joke?"

He shifted awkwardly, his face turning a faint pink, and you could tell that this was definitely not his comfort zone. "Well, I thought It might make you feel better?"

You sat up straighter in your chair, genuinely curious now. You didn't expect your roommate to go for something like this. "Alright, I'm all ears," you said with a genuine smile, even though it was a little teasing.

Nanami cleared his throat, straightening up and pushing up his glasses as though he were about to deliver some profound piece of wisdom. There was a nervous energy about him, and you could see the awkwardness in the way he held his hands at his sides. "Okay, here goes. It's a simple one, don't get your hopes up." he muttered.

You waited expectantly, trying to hold back a smile.

"Why don't skeletons fight each other?" he asked, the serious tone in his voice making it sound like this was a big deal.

You blinked at him, confused but intrigued. "Uh,why?"

And without missing a beat, Nanami hesitated for just a moment, then nervously blurted out:

"Because they don't have the guts."

....

A long silence followed. Nanami's gaze flickered to the floor, looking extremely uncomfortable as he waited for a response. You froze for a moment, processing the full weight of the corny joke. You stared at him, and he was just standing there, his cheeks lightly flushed, clearly waiting for you to either laugh or tell him how terrible it was.

You couldn't t help it. The awkwardness of it all was too much. You burst out laughing, clutching your stomach as you practically collapsed onto the desk.

"Oh my god, Nanami," you gasped between giggles. "That was...That was so bad!"

Nanami's face turned a deep red, and he immediately looked away, a little embarrassed. "I thought it might help - you know, make you smile," he stammered, scratching the back of his neck. "It was a good joke, right? I mean - it's classic humor," he looked at you then, his eyes sparkling as if he was seeking your approval, a small smile curling the corners of his lips as he watched you laugh.

You wiped away a tear from the corner of your eye, still chuckling. "It was so bad that it was hilarious. I'm literally dying here."

Nanami shuffled awkwardly, clearly unsure how to respond. He had always been so calm, so serious, but seeing him this flustered made him even more endearing. He cleared his throat again, still trying to regain his usual cool. "It was just a joke," he muttered, his hands still slightly trembling. "I thought I'd lighten the mood."

You straightened up, finally able to control your laughter, and gave him a softer smile. "You definitely lightened the mood. In a very unique way."

He rubbed the back of his neck, still flushed but also looking a bit relieved that you weren't somehow upset. "I shall try harder next time. Maybe I'll work on my material."

You smiled at him, feeling your nerves ease a little. "Nah, you're good. You've definitely earned a break for the night. But next time, maybe leave the dad jokes for another day, okay?"

He raised an eyebrow at you, a little embarrassed but also clearly pleased to have made you laugh, even if in the most awkward way possible. "I'll take your criticism as a compliment."

You nodded, feeling a warmth spread through you, It was the way he had stepped out of his comfort zone just to make you feel better, to bring some levity into your stressful night.

Suddenly, the tension in your shoulders seemed to ease, and you realized that for the first time tonight, you were genuinely at ease. Nanami had managed to make you forget about the looming exam, if only for a moment. And in that moment, everything else felt a little less important.

You paused for a moment, looking at him with a soft smile. The warmth in his expression was enough to make your heart flutter, and without thinking, you stepped forward and gently kissed his cheek, your lips lingering for just a second.

Nanami froze for a moment, his face going beet red. "W-What was that for?" he stammered, clearly caught off guard.

You smiled at him, feeling a rush of affection as you took a step back. "For making me laugh," you said softly, your eyes lingering on his flustered face. "You're a good guy, Nanami."

He blinked, still processing the kiss, and you could see the tips of his ears turning red. "Oh, um.. thank you," he mumbled, his usual stoic nature failing him for a moment.

The awkward tension in the air was gone, replaced with the comfortable silence between you two. You both knew that the exam was still there, looming over your heads, but for a little while, it didn't matter.

Well, not until you opened the exam paper in front of you the next day.

Sheesh, you seriously should've studied for this.

[wakebymoonsleepbysun]

My breakdown of the Doey timeline, cuz whynot

Combination of my own theories/conjecture and what's actually in the game.

We see Jack getting a Doey toy for Christmas of 92, as well as a trip to the factory. The trip to the factory happens in Jan of 93 and of course Jack falls in.

This makes Jack an unplanned experiment. My theory--since he wasn't trained/prepped in the Game Station or Playcare, and the scientists had to kinda scramble to get anything salvageable of him, that left proto-Doey in a pretty bad/unstable state.

The fact that he had a Doey toy that he already loved so much could be what saved him. Kids are shown to have "assigned toys" at the Game Station, which makes me think a bond with the character/toy is necessary for the kids to adapt to their new bodies, and maybe even make the child take on personality traits of the toy's character.

1322 was too unstable to survive on his own. So another child was selected--Kevin. It seems the scientists hoped Kevin's physical strength would balance out Jack's lack of physical training before the process, and Jack's good temper would balance out Kevin's (perceived) bad one. (I think there's more to Kevin than just "angry child angry and violent at everything". I think he was abused and probably neurodivergent, maybe autistic. Probably on the cusp of a very rough puberty as well. But as a 90s "problem child" myself, I'm not surprised he was just dismissed as a bad kid with no hope. Heartbroken, yes. Surprised? No.)

Sidenote here--I do wonder if they'd gotten the idea of using multiple subjects in the same experiment from the Prototype. Not sure if that would have been something the Prototype would have been doing yet at this point. But I do think it's interesting to call out that the Prototype is not the only experiment made from multiple sources. (I think Poppy may also be such a one but that's some wild conjecture on my part and a post for another day.)

We know Kevin is second because he's described as 1322B. However I think the incident with Jack's parents happened before Matthew was added.

Jack's parents get invited to see Doey. Now, who wrote that letter and why? I'm not completely sure on the details, but I think the main reason it got APPROVED was for the sake of conducting a test. I think it's POSSIBLE someone like Stella may have been making a genuine attempt to do good, but that wouldn't've been reason enough on its own to make this happen.

So Jack's parents rock up to Playtime so the scientists can see how 1322 will react. We've all heard the tape so we know the jist of it, but here's what I think happened internally with Doey. Jack and Kevin's personalities and memories were still muddled. Kevin saw Jack's mom, recognized her as "mom", not realizing she is NOT actually HIS mother. I believe his parents had been abusive, so what Kevin THOUGHT he was doing was fighting back at his own abusers, not some other kid's kind parents. Between that and being in a body he could barely control with a strength he can barely comprehend...Well. Again. We all heard the tape.

So, time to stabilize. Enter Matthew. Responsible, kind, and older. Perfect to wrangle the two younger boys into a fully functioning experiment, ready to be useful to Playtime co. (I kinda gagged typing that. Playtime Co is bastards.)

And y'know? I'd say it mostly worked. From his monologues in the prison, it sounds like Doey wasn't always the most cooperative. He had a bit of a mischievous streak. But I get the impression he didn't lash out or attack until Safe Haven was destroyed. And who wouldn't be broken by that?

[soneblomsblog]

i love your kang hyuk fic!!

can i please request for a kang hyuk fic where reader and kang hyuk are already married and it’s like private and the reader visits him then everyone is like shock, thank you!! ( sorry for my english 🥲 )

Unexpected Visit

Pairing: Kang Hyuk x Reader

Genre: Fluff, slight angst, drama, secret marriage reveal

The ER was chaotic, as always. Kang Hyuk moved with practiced efficiency, barely acknowledging the chatter around him. He had learned to tune out the hospital gossip a long time ago—patients came first, and everything else was just background noise.

Until today.

Today, the background noise became impossible to ignore.

It started with a murmur near the nurse's station, then quickly escalated into hushed whispers and wide-eyed stares. At first, he didn’t pay attention, assuming it was about some VIP patient or an administrative shake-up. But when even the usually composed Dr Yang (Anus) stopped mid-sentence to gawk at something—someone—walking into the ER, he finally looked up.

And his heart stopped.

You.

Walking into his ER, looking completely out of place yet effortlessly composed.

He hadn’t expected you to come. Not here. Not like this.

The secret was out.

You were his wife.

You approached him with a small smile, clearly aware of the attention you were drawing but unbothered by it. He, on the other hand, could already feel the weight of a dozen stares drilling into his back.

“Hey,” you greeted casually, as if you weren’t single-handedly derailing everyone’s perception of him.

“…Hey,” he replied, still processing. “What are you doing here?”

“Visiting my husband,” you said, loud enough for those eavesdropping to hear. And oh, did they hear.

The collective gasps were almost comical. Someone dropped a clipboard. Nurse Jang mi who had just finished suturing a patient, actually turned her head so fast it looked painful. A nurse mouthed, Did she just say husband?!

Kang Hyuk resisted the urge to sigh. He knew exactly how this looked. No one at the hospital knew he was married. He had kept his personal life private, avoiding the inevitable scrutiny that came with being a doctor. Now, his carefully maintained boundary had just been shattered.

You tilted your head, amusement dancing in your eyes. “Did I come at a bad time?”

He ran a hand through his hair, glancing at the nurses who were very obviously not pretending to work anymore. “No. It’s just… unexpected.”

“I thought I’d surprise you.”

“Well, mission accomplished.”

You laughed softly before holding out a neatly packed lunchbox. “I also brought you food. Figured you wouldn’t eat unless someone forced you to.”

His ears turned slightly red. He could hear whispers of She brings him food? and He’s been married this whole time?! in the background. Ignoring them, he exhaled and took the lunchbox from your hands.

“…Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Dr. Kang.” You winked before stepping back. “I’ll see you at home.”

And just like that, you left, walking out as if you hadn’t just dropped a bombshell on the entire department.

Kang Hyuk sighed, turning back to his stunned colleagues.

“What?” he asked, feigning innocence.

Dr. Yang blinked. “You’re married?!”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“...A while.”

“A while?! And you never told anyone?!”

He shrugged, tucking the lunchbox under his arm. “You never asked.”

Chaos erupted.

[steven-g-rogers]

Steve dressed, trying neither to rush or dawdle.  He needed a moment to process everything that had just happened.  He had so many emotions running through him right now. Fear.  Excitement.  Joy.  Confusion.  He still wasn’t sure this wasn’t a dream or something.  Really, the only reason he thought he was dreaming and that Bucky wasn’t pranking him was because he couldn’t believe that Bucky would be that cruel.

He dried himself off and dressed in dark blue cargo pants, and one of his compression shirts.  He wasn’t sure if he’d end up making it into work now, but he didn’t know if dressing like he was planning on not going into work would send the wrong signals.

He was well and truly overthinking this.

He came out to the living room to an apartment smelling of coffee, bacon, and maple syrup.  He couldn’t help but smile.  He always loved when Bucky cooked for him.  He took a seat when Bucky pulled out the chair and when the brunet’s hand ran over his bicep, he shivered and his muscles rippled in the wake of his finger. 

“It looked amazing,” he said.  “Thank you.”

He picked up his coffee and took a sip, trying to figure out how to carefully say, BUCKY BARNES I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND I WANT US TO BE TOGETHER.

He still didn’t have the words when he set his cup back down. “I don’t know what to say.  So I guess I’ll just say how I feel.  But please know, none of this comes with pressure.  I’m sorry I kept this from you.  I just thought - if you knew you’d feel uncomfortable doing things like sharing a bed.  And I never did any of that out of some sexual desire.  It was just that you’re my friend and you needed me.”

He swallowed and let out a breath. “But I am in love with you.  I always have been.  If you feel that way too and you want to be together.  I want that.  I really do.”

@jamesbuch-anon

Bucky paused in the doorway and looked at Steve when the blonde called out to him. As much as Bucky wanted to kiss the other, it just didn't feel right at the moment. A part of him felt so insecure that he was no longer that smooth guy that could pick up anyone. But Steve confessed his love for him too, even after everything Bucky did and had been through. Steve Rogers loved him.

"Okay," he nodded and went off to the kitchen. It felt like a decade went by as Bucky idly made up some coffee and food. He was able to whip up a quick batch of pancakes and bacon and he set up the table for them. The whole time, Bucky thought about what else he could say to Steve. His anxious brain told him that Steve would change his mind and walk away, kick him out of his apartment. Or maybe that he was just tricking him so he could get him vulnerable and then use it to hurt him.

This was Steve. He would never do that. And maybe, Bucky was allowed to have some sort of happiness.

When the other man finally came out Bucky pulled his chair out for him. "I know you need your protein, so I made some bacon and pancakes." He smiled slightly. Would it be okay to touch him? He definitely hoped so, brushing his hand against Steve's bicep.

@steven-g-rogers

[youruinedmylifebynotbeingreal]

It's Been a Long Time Coming

AO3

Summary: "I’ll let Soren and Terry know to start getting packed.”

Ezran gave him a funny look. “Corvus… Soren isn’t going with you.”

Corvus slowly turned back towards Ezran, head tilted in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

“There’s… well, there’s no reason for him to tag along. You’re the tracker. Terry is the Xadian nature specialist. Soren… well, he wouldn’t have a role.”

Note: One day I was thinking about how Corvus could really just go search for Harrow on his own since pre-season 3 he seems to be a bit of a loner. But he doesn't!

Sure, Terry could come in handy due to his connection with nature. But why is Soren there?

Because Corvus wants him there. Duh.

So, then I thought about Corvus asking Soren to go with him "Changing of the Guard" style. So I pulled up the short story and got to work.

And thus, a fic was born. And maybe even my favorite fic I've written so far.

...

Corvus and Ezran were in the meeting room of the Banther Lodge figuring out the final details of his search for Harrow.

“You’ll leave by the end of the week.”

Corvus nodded and turned away, getting ready to walk out of the room. “Of course. I’ll let Soren and Terry know to start getting packed.”

Ezran gave him a funny look. “Corvus… Soren isn’t going with you.”

Corvus slowly turned back towards Ezran, head tilted in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

“There’s… well, there’s no reason for him to tag along. You’re the tracker. Terry is the Xadian nature specialist. Soren… well, he wouldn’t have a role.”

Corvus stood there, processing this information.

Wouldn’t have a role? What couldn’t Soren do, was the real question.

“And he’s… aware of this?”

Ezran nodded.

No wonder Soren had been clingier than usual, then. Corvus hadn’t even considered Soren not going with him. It just hadn’t even seemed like a possibility. He could barely remember the last time they’d worked separately since before the momentary defeat of Aaravos.

Corvus thought of the quiet, lonely tracking of his youth. He’d enjoyed it at the time, and still needed his alone time. Things were just… different now.

Not that he’d be alone, he reminded himself. He’d have Terry, who was great and a close friend now. 

But he wasn’t Soren.

Ezran noted the disappointed look on Corvus’s face.

“While I can’t send him officially as a Crownguard on the mission… he does have plenty of vacation days he’s never taken. I couldn’t stop him from taking that time off and tagging along as an individual,” Ezran suggested.

Corvus shook his head. “He’d never do that.”

“Maybe if you just asked him. If you told him about how much you want him to go with you…”

“But, Your Majesty, what about you?”

Ezran raised an eyebrow. Corvus thought it looked suspiciously like one of his own facial expressions. He couldn’t help but remember the time the young king had come to him near tears when he wasn’t sure how to style his hair in a “kingly manner,” asking for help. Corvus had assured him that regardless of hairstyle, he was a king, and therefore his hair was inherently kingly. Corvus had also shown Ezran how to take care of his hair and put it up so that it wouldn’t get in his way as he hunched over paperwork and decrees.

Ezran had grown so much since then.

Ezran looked around the room, making sure they were alone. “You can’t tell anyone I said this, but you and Soren are my favorites,” he said in a stage whisper. “Yes, I’ll miss you both while you’re gone. But it’s not for good. I know you’ll both return to me. You’ll keep each other just as safe as you keep me. Why do I think I’m always sending you on missions together?” Ezran attempted to end his statement with a wink. Not a very successful one, but an attempt nonetheless.

Ezran eventually gave him a knowing smirk. Corvus chuckled and shook his head. “You’re too kind, my King. Fine, I will ask him.”

…

Corvus was nervous. He was rarely nervous, so he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. It was just a talk with Soren. He talked to him all the time. He’d talked to Soren mere hours ago, before his meeting with Ezran.

Then why did this feel so monumental?

It wasn’t like they were together together, but it wasn’t like they weren’t together, either. They hadn’t exactly had time to label anything, what with the almost end of the world and all, but they knew how they felt about each other. “Love” was a normal word between them, even before the connotation shifted. They’d exchanged their fair share of stolen kisses in hidden hallways between council meetings and during shift changes.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door to Soren’s room in the Banther Lodge, begging the moon moths fluttering in his stomach to settle down.

Soren opened the door, appearing distracted, but his whole demeanor changed when he saw it was Corvus. His face lit up, and he pulled Corvus into a hug, as flush against him as they could be in armor.

“Hey,” Soren finally said, head on Corvus’s shoulder. “Why’d you knock?”

Corvus cleared his throat and stepped out of the hug. Soren looked dejected, but brightened again when Corvus put a hand on his shoulder.

“Soren, it’s time.”

Soren raised an eyebrow.

“Time for…?”

“A challenge. Just like old times.”

“You act like I didn’t challenge you at pushups the other day.”

“Hush, let me finish.” Corvus dramatically cleared his throat. “First one to the bridge wins. Go!”

…

Corvus tore off, leaving Soren standing in the doorway, gobsmacked. Corvus had never been the one to initiate a challenge. Soren couldn’t help but grin and follow after him. This would be fun.

Soren thought Corvus had an unfair advantage because he was able to jump into the rafters of the Lodge, therefore avoiding all the people, and escape out the upper windows. Inside was a bit of an obstacle course for Soren, trying not to run into any of the other people going about their days.

Luckily, it was Soren. Nobody really thought twice about seeing him barreling through the hallways. They instinctively moved out of the way.

Soren burst through the front doors. Corvus was right in front of him, nearing the bridge. Soren urged his legs to go faster, and he just barely made it to the center of the bridge before Corvus.

“Haha! Beat you!” Soren said, pumping a fist in triumph. He leaned back against the railing of the bridge, not even winded. “Still, your time has to be better now than the last time we did that. And your leg must be nicely healed now, thanks to the Sunfire elves and Mukho’s salves!”

Corvus rolled his eyes but smiled. Soren was always overly concerned about his legs ever since the Great Bookery and having to carry him through the mushroom forest. “That’s what I get for hanging out with you for years now,” he said, mirroring Soren’s position and bumping their shoulders together.

Soren leaned his head on Corvus’s shoulder, looking out at the water.

“So, why’d you race me out here?”

Corvus avoided the question. “Have I mentioned this is my favorite spot at the Lodge?”

Soren shook his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

Corvus cleared his throat. “I love the fresh air. Looking out at the water. And the, uh, trees and stuff.”

Corvus wrung his hands. That was odd, Soren thought. Corvus wasn’t usually one to fidget. Something was bothering him. Something was bothering him very badly.

“Is… everything okay? Corvus, what’s going on?”

Was it something that happened at his meeting with Ezran? Had something happened to Callum? Rayla? Claudia?

Or was it something Soren himself had done?

Corvus nodded. “Yeah, uhm. Everything’s… well, not exactly fine. It’s just…” He let out a sigh. “I just found out from Ezran that you won’t be coming with me to search for Harrow.”

Soren lifted his head, anxious thoughts settling down at the admission. “Wait. You just figured that out?”

Corvus groaned and buried his head in his hands. “I didn’t figure it out. I didn’t even realize it was an option; I’m so used to having you by my side. Ezran had to break the news to me, the man who prides himself on noticing every little thing.”

Soren’s heart melted at the muffled words. They had become a bit like a package deal over the years.

“I really like you. Heck, I love you. I trust you,” Corvus started, removing his hands from his face. “And I… I’d really like it if you came with me. And Terry. On our mission. To Xadia and the Pentarchy. For Harrow.”

He sounded like he’d been rehearsing.

Soren’s eyes widened and he positioned himself in front of Corvus so they could look at each other. “Really?”

“Ugh, I’m messing this up. That wasn’t the speech I’d planned to give.”

Soren grabbed Corvus’s hands in his and gave them a squeeze. “Then keep going.”

Corvus nodded. 

“I know I could do this on my own. With Terry. I will, if I have to. But I don’t want that. I’m trying to get better about asking for the things that I want. And I want you.” Soren couldn’t help his blush at the words. “I want you to stick with me, even though you’re more at home here and probably feel obligated to stay with Ezran since I’ll be gone. After everything that’s happened… I just hate the thought of being apart. You matter a lot to me.”

“You matter a lot to me, too,” Soren responded quietly, bringing their joined hands up to his chest. “But what would Ezran think?”

…

“Ezran actually suggested I ask you to come with me, once he saw how confused and sad I was,” Corvus admitted. He should probably be embarrassed that his king and young friend knew the details of his romantic life and the fact that he had fallen for not just a coworker, but his captain. However, he couldn’t find it in himself to care with Soren looking at him like that. Like he was a revelation. “He said that you’ve got a lot of vacation days you’ve never taken.”

Soren nodded, thoughtful. “He’s not wrong. There was never much of a reason for me to take any days off, what with all of my family being here,” he said, gesturing at their surroundings with their joined hands. Corvus knew Soren didn’t just mean his birth family, but also the family he’d chosen.

“I mean, you don’t have to come with me -”

“Corvus.”

“I get it if you don’t want to, I know changing schedules this last minute would be a pain -”

“Corvus.”

“And just because I want you with me all the time doesn’t mean that you want to be with me all the time -”

The rest of Corvus’s words were swallowed by the press of lips against his, forcing him to stop his nervous rambling. Corvus closed his eyes and let out a low groan, sinking into the kiss. Soren released their hands and Corvus wrapped his arms around Soren’s waist. Soren’s breath hitched as his hands gripped Corvus’s scarf, pushing Corvus into the railing.

Once they broke apart, Corvus felt his face flush. That was the first time they’d kissed out in the open. Partially because Corvus wasn’t usually a fan of public displays of affection, and partially because what they had was still so new. His feelings about public displays of affection might be changing, though, if it made Soren keep looking as bright as the sun itself, radiating with happiness.

…

“Who knew I’d be the one kissing you to make you be quiet,” Soren chuckled, leaning his head on Corvus’s chest. When Corvus had his boots on, the little heel on them made him juuust a bit taller than Soren, and Soren liked to take advantage of that when he could. Like jumping into Corvus’s arms a little bit when they hugged. He also liked when Corvus took advantage of that extra bit of height.

Corvus chuckled. “Yeah, it feels like a bit of a reversal of our usual roles.”

Soren laughed and straightened, placing his hands flat on Corvus’s chest. He spread his fingers over the leather, enjoying the warmth. If he focused hard enough, he imagined he could feel Corvus’s heart beating nervously. As plainly as he could, Soren said, “Alright.”

“Alright…?”

“I’ll go with you.”

Corvus’s face lit up. “Really?”

“Yes. Really.”

Corvus let out a giddy laugh, picking up Soren by the waist and spinning him around. “Yes!”

Soren felt dizzy from joy (not being spun around, he swears). He didn’t even realize Corvus could pick him up. It was ridiculously hot. Soren didn’t think he could find Corvus any more attractive, and then he did things like that. They’d have to talk about it later.

As soon as Corvus set him down, Soren pulled Corvus against him and gave him another kiss. “I love you too, ya know.”

Corvus nodded, closing his eyes and leaning their foreheads together. “I know.”

They enjoyed the closeness for a moment, both thinking of their adventures to come.

“Well, I guess I should go put in my leave and start packing…” Soren said, pulling away, starting to pace the bridge and counting the things he’d need to get done on his hands. He’d need to make an actual list when he got back inside. “I’ll have to fix the schedule, too, and ask Opeli to take it over while I’m gone…”

Before he could get too lost in his thoughts, Corvus broke through.

“Soren?”

His head shot up, stopping mid-step. “Yeah?”

“I’ve got one more question for you.”

…

Corvus knew there was one more thing he had to do before they left. Might as well rip the bandage off now.

He already felt happier than he’d been in a long while, and only one thing could make it even better. And it had been a long time coming, if he was being honest with himself. This time, Corvus crowded Soren against the railing, hands resting on either side of him.

“Will you be my boyfriend?” he asked breathlessly, before he could lose his nerve.

Soren gave him a confused look, cocking his head. “Weren’t we already…?

Corvus’s thoughts froze to a halt. His jaw dropped and he took a step back. Soren grabbed at his hands to keep him from going too far. “What?”

“I mean, I guess we never talked about it, but since you sleep in my room more than yours, I just assumed -”

Corvus burst into laughter. Of course it was just that simple. The way Soren’s mind worked fascinated him. Corvus had been obsessing over their relationship status, stressed about talking to Soren, for nothing. He brought their joined hands to his mouth to lay an appreciative kiss on Soren’s knuckles, before releasing him. Soren promptly turned red at the sweet gesture as Corvus proceeded to rest his hands on Soren’s hips. “Yeah, I guess you’ve got a point.”

“But that doesn’t mean I mind making it officially official. Even though I’ve definitely already told people we’re dating. And introduced you to people as my boyfriend. Or partner.”

Corvus’s eyes widened. “That’s what you meant when you’ve been telling people we’re partners?!”

“Yes…?”

“I thought you meant professionally,” Corvus groaned, burying his face in Soren’s neck.

This time it was Soren’s turn to laugh. He brought a hand up to the back of Corvus’s neck, stroking the strip of skin between his hair and his scarf. “Well, I guess that’s not wrong. But, no, not the way I meant it.”

“Can you ever forgive me?”

“Forgive you…? For what?”

Soren sounded genuinely perplexed. Corvus wasn’t sure how he could love the man in his arms any more than he did right now.

“I’m supposed to be the observant one! That’s my whole job. You thought we’ve been dating for months, while I was still thinking that we were friends in an oddly serious situationship.”

“Well, if you’re going around kissing other friends like that, I think we need to have a talk.”

Corvus blushed and rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean! If I’d known you were my boyfriend, I’d… I don’t know, make you breakfast in bed. Spend every night with you. Bring you flowers. Things like that.”

“Corvus, I’m pretty sure Ezran gave your bed to somebody else because you haven’t slept there in so long. Did you not notice that all of your things are in my room now? And you literally brought me flowers last week. You told me they reminded you of my eyes. It was the most romantic thing I’ve ever been given.”

“Well, yeah, but -”

“Nope! No ‘buts.’ I will not have anyone talking poorly about my amazing boyfriend,” Soren said, briefly placing a finger to Corvus’s lips. “And if this has been you thinking we were just friends, then I am very excited for what’s to come.” A moment of silence. “Also, you should be so proud of me for not laughing because you said ‘butt.’”

Corvus pulled away, crossing his arms and shaking his head in mock aggravation. When he reacted so over the top, Soren knew he was joking. “And there we go, you wrecked the romantic moment. My big romantic gesture. And to think, I’d been about to kiss you.”

“No, no, come back!” Soren said with a laugh, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back to him.

Soren brought their lips together giddily. Corvus thought it barely counted as a kiss because they were both smiling so wide, but he knew it would be one of his favorites.

“Well then. I guess it’s time to go get ready for our next adventure.”

Soren sighed. “Yeah. I do have a lot to get done before we leave. At least it’ll be easy for us to get packed, since you’ve been living with me and somehow never noticed.”

Corvus nodded seriously. “Yes, there is that.”

“I can’t wait to tell Ezran.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Oh yeah. He’s gonna find this hilarious. I can’t wait to tell this story at parties in the future. Its place will be right after the story about that surprise party I threw you and you punched me.”

“You just love embarrassing me, don’t you.”

“I do! Love you, that is. And I don’t think these stories are embarrassing. I think they’re cute. You so often project this air of being so serious. You’re good at everything. It can be a little intimidating. It’s nice to be reminded that you’re human, too.”

Corvus felt his face go warm. He was turning into such a sap around Soren and they’d only been officially dating for five minutes. He gave Soren one more lingering kiss.

“Okay then. Come on, let’s go tell Ez the good news.”

—

Author's Note: Did I reference my own fic in my own fic? Yes, yes I did. Welcome to the TDP Fanfic Cinematic Universe (Victoria’s Version).

I'm obsessed with the idea that Corvus can be SO SMART and always good at his job, yet somehow when Soren is around he loses all rational train of thought about anything else.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed <3

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i think i understand dating now. you find a person that seems cool and you become their friend but in a romantic way until you. actually love them. yes?

[ohitslen]

*Vampirizes your Vashwood*

keep reading for more :)

If there needs to be much closer close-up please let me know!

[biblically-accurate-dca]

super disorganized sketch page because i do what i want

[skeletoninthemelonland]

😭😭

[danothan]

tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things

[subaru-meteorlight]

I thought I made good progress today but checked a video and what the fuck I'm not even halfway through. God bless. On one hand yesss I have SOOO much phainon content to look forward to on the other hand dear god that is a lot. Not complaining at all tho I'm excited... tho to be fair a good chunk of my progress today was spent exploring the city and I got all the chests... huge sprawling cities are always my fav maps, penacony golden hour is still peakest of peak cities to me but okhema is lots of fun too~

I gotta lock in... in preparation for maxing aven I had cleared all the content in the game up until when shackling prison released where aven stopped getting screentime and I was like what's the point of anything anymore BUT with phainon coming dear god I need to get back on the damn grind

[finalgirlgretchen]

it's getting really exhausting really quickly

[vampiremourning]

oh im gonna hsdgfjk

okay so three+ months ago i discovered I had a Fun Condition called perioral dermatitis. basically, just this Extraordinarily persistent face rash that looks like a bunch of small pustules in a circle around my mouth, but it also went around my nose and eyes. reacts to literally fucking Everything, deeply annoying to treat, even with antibiotics it takes weeks but usually months to clear. causes are ?? can be anything from inhaled steroids, face cream, toothpaste, hormones, etc. basically impossible to pinpoint. i have some guesses about what triggered it but ofc no real way to know for sure.

i go on 90 days of antibiotics. cool, whatever, condition dissipates but doesn't go away entirely. i think nothing of this bc I know even With oral antibiotics, it can still take months.

halfway through this treatment i develop arthritic symptoms. i also think nothing of this bc I have Some sort of illness undiagnosed anyway + family members have it so while I am definitely not happy w this development, I'm resigned.

i finish the pills.

less than 24 hours later, dermatitis has Returned. i know that allowing this to happen makes it worse and last longer. i cannot stress enough how bad it will be for my mental health if this happens. yes this probably sounds overly dramatic but I'm pretty sure watching my face flare up in any way is a legitimate trigger atp after dealing with cystic acne.

anyway. i book an appointment with my gp bc the pharmacist cannot refill the antibiotics. great except the appointment is at the End Of The Month, and I know this is going to be bad in a few days time. like, in the last few hours the inflammation has already accelerated, who knows how bad it'll be then, I'm assuming it'll be like I never even took the pills to start with. i am going to have a nervous breakdown.

mysteriously, the arthritis symptoms have Also started to decrease after stopping the antibiotics. that's weird, I think, that wasn't brought up in the list of side effects when I asked, but the timing is literally exactly when my face started flaring up so I know I definitely don't have those in my system anymore. i look this up, to see if there's a link.

'''acute polyarthritis''' also described as 'drug-induced lupus' are you Fucking Kidding Me

so i am now back as Square Fucking one for this shit, my skin is about to be so goddamn inflamed & I apparently can't even take the drug that was working to clear it up. because it causes inflammation in my joints.

and like i cant really express properly how mad this makes me lmfao because of Course. i spend a solid year on Accutane finally after being deterred for nearly a decade, i get maybe 4 months of enjoying my skin after I'm off of it and then This Shit. can i win?? can i Fucking win??????? no one else in my genepool seems to deal with this shit its just me and ohhh my god i am This close to walking straight into the ocean.

[slutcore-starships]

.

[snowshinobi]

hanahaki disease trope captivates me because (as I interpret it) the call is coming from inside the house. bc you see, the solution is easy. the flowers stop trying to tear their way out of your body if you confess your affections or get over them. go do stuff other than hanging out with your doomed crush for a while or speak your feelings: let the flowers see daylight. but sometimes ... catharsis ... is worse.

it's like when Fall Out Boy said "I'll keep my jealousy close 'cause it's all mine" and when Taking Back Sunday said "if it's not keeping you up nights, then what's the point?" these warm, bloody, one-sided feelings might be as close to reciprocal love as you're gonna get. if you flee or confess and aren't loved in return ... you're healed. free of pain. free of flowers. that precious thing you were holding onto so fiercely, for months ... vanishes.

hanahaki studies the compulsions that drive self-destruction. that turn pain into the means to its own end. human resilience is our greatest strength and an agent of literal body horror. hanahaki paints an intentionally romanticized picture of how vital wanting to get better is to actually getting better. as the adage goes, you can't control how you feel, but you can control what you do about it.

healing is terrifying. watching a character reject it until their death is sobering. watching a character choose it when they are at their most scared and sad and hopeless is ... devastating. it makes me press my hands against the walls of my consciousness.