#that’s ok! I feel kinda sad about it still but
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we got three four-hour stretches! the midnight feed was challenging as he peed all over himself mid-diaper change and was utterly inconsolable about it for five solid minutes after 😂 however we all survived this harrowing experience and slept soundly afterwards. he’s doing a great job now of soothing himself back to sleep after a feed which was such a struggle in the early weeks. hm okay my parents are back in town tonight so most of my goals today are house chores.
the day:
fold and put away clean laundry x 1
fold and put away clean laundry x 2
take dirty laundry downstairs
showerrr and do a hair mask
pick up mail
fill out forms to mail
wash bottles
meal plan
place grocery order
change sheets
5 min tidy kitchen
5 min tidy living room
make formula
make enchiladas
grocery pickup
visit liz
walk dogs (stroller or carrier walk)
finish reading this very long fic?? or put a significant dent in it anyway
#daily processing#he is five weeks tomorrow#my goal was to make it to six weeks of pumping and then reassess#it’s hard because he’s finally learning how to latch#but I’m just not producing enough to justify triple feeding (pumping + bottle + bf’ing)#so I think I’ll keep pumping 3-4x/day until six weeks next Monday#and then I’ll go down to one morning pump and will continue to let him latch as he shows interest#but I suspect my supply will dry up fast since it’s so low already#that’s ok! I feel kinda sad about it still but#I don’t think it matters that much in the grand scheme of things
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Mike and Will - Blowing Smoke by Gracie Abrams, Will POV
@best-thing-at-this-party per your request, I am getting through this album. I know this isn't the specific song you requested but I heard it and had to stop and make an edit to this one first.
@your-local-bi-guy @imatotallynormalteengirlok @throne-of-crows
lmk if I should add anyone to the tag list!
#This kinda became a 'Will knows' edit but I'm okay with it. Definitely made it the easiest of my Will edits.#the ever looming question#does he know what he gave up?#because i know he knows they're only still together because of him#he'll only let him know it to be sad about it but he does know that he did this#but does he know?#did he see his smile?#did any part of him know?#will byers#byler edit#my edits#stranger things#byler#also kinda creating a my edits or at least gracie abrams edits cinematic universe#bc in mike's pov 'i might not feel real but it's ok' is the same clip as 'you feel nothing and yet you still let her' so#:)#honestly this is almost more of like an omniscient edit#will knows
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"true partner" click here for the uquiz created by @/niconicomuda on twitter
#morphomon#digimon#this was trending on twt a good few weeks ago#ofc me being me i wasn't there and only learned abt it bc a friend dm'd me about it lol#anyway i am very happy to get morphomon. though...#advanced apology for personal irl rambling that may be tmi ahead. and cw: death of family member#so like. i feel it turns out to be some life foreshadowing bc around a week later (which is last week btw) my maternal grandma passed#idk about u but if you know the symbolism of butterfly and morpho particularly. it's about change and rebirth and all that stuff#the funeral home we spent a few days in had the morpho butterfly as its logo. i couldn't stop thinking about it#so despite the sadness it's like idk. a tiny bit of hope i guess?#my grandma won't have to be in pain anymore#all the stuff is done by last saturday so everyone's back to their normal lives like it or not#still grieving a bit while at the same time being kinda ok. well it is how it is...#png#gif
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hmmmm mal du pays thoughts tonight
#radio rambles#i should go to bed but. it is on the mind#isat spoilers#<- for the . wall of tags to come#imm wondering what most people hc mdp to like. be#i know its most popular to see it as siffrins sadness. i do think thats p neat#and probably the intention#but im. juggling around the idea of? siffrin system moment? mdp as a headmate? if yall see that vision?#most inspired by that ‘do u hc this character as a system’ post abt siffrin#and i voted no then but now im like genuinely changing my mind JFKFKF#it makes sense in a way. and into my mdp hc that it. wouldve split while sif was very young#splitting due to stress which leads to a lot of. gestures vaguely. mdp’s whole thing#a mix of stress but also this sense of longing to. belong somewhere. to not be alone#many years ago it was about the loss of their home. and much later on became more related to its feelings towards their family#mdp is a scared child to me . idk about yalls hcs for it but thats what im sticking to#a scared child who maybe grew up a little alongside the body. but still Young and Scared#its not as often or eager to front as siffrin is. i can imagine it being much more hover-y or . POSSIBLY. cohosting if its feeling up to it#uhm. ok well#so i typed this out and now im actually really sad about mdp jgkdkf where is mdp recovery#now im kinda thinking about it fronting for once to properly meet the party and. and receiving comfort. and and and#wow christ im upset#also also glancing over at marias sibling au for character dynamics here….. sillies…..#ps not relevant to my mdp thoughts but fyi im imagining siffin in headspace looks very much like their body#the difference being. much darker clothes. more stars etc. maybe different hair#think like how a lot of ppl style their human loops. thats kinda how i imagine sif in headspace#SPEAKING OF LOOP#i think given the time he spent with them it woulf make sense if they split a loop as well#and ofc other members of the party jgkfkf#im not gonna get into my hcs there because ill b taking away from my mdp hc post BUT#thinking. always thinking
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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printed-out private fanfic collections my beloved
#that's it. that's the post#do I sometimes feel guilty for having a bunch of fic printed out? yeah. idk if it's morally grey or wrong or ok these days#it started out as necessity because I didn't have a computer of my own and reading queer fic wasn't sth you could be too open about#(though I guess using up my dad's scrap paper piles that had math equations on one side may not have been the most inconspicuous)#anyway. sometimes I'll remember a story and I know I will be able to find it because my idiot teen self printed it out and filed it away#and sometimes it turns out you can't find that fic on ao3 because it's ffnet only. and worse sometimes it no longer exists online at all#and that makes me sad. but knowing someone deleted it and I still have a bootleg copy makes me feel guilty#so I guess I'm just stuck in this dual state#I think it beats the lingering sadness of wanting to reread a very specific story that's ingrained in your very being..#..and finding there is not a trace of it anywhere online#like. I KNOW that I read a Myka/Claudia story that had them holed up in a cabin somewhere hiding from some terrifying dude of sorts#(not that I remember the details) I just remember there being a lake and it being the story that got me into WH13#which.. was a fucking blessing. and I searched all of the place for that story years later#went through most of the Myka/Claudia fic and yet never found it again. and nobody I asked remembered it either#so maybe I dreamed it up? but I kinda doubt it. ANYWAY sometimes a fic filed away in an old folder is what saves your sanity
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#we joke about fanfic authors deeply researching the smallest details to make fics accurate#which is true and i have done many times (i could tell you the history of yankees baseball caps. i do not care about yankees baseball caps)#but . idk . maybe we stress over the smallest details bc when we dont. we get comments criticizing us 🤪#for being linguistically inaccurate once (1) in a cute silly lil fanfic . oops#and as i am typing this i am telling myself its a silly lil fanfic and its not that deep but#idk. im always kinda nervous to read comments bc im like what if they call me a stupid untalented idiot#but then i mostly get nice comments. so i try to remind myself. people are nice#but im still always a little nervous. and then its a whole paragraph about one thing i messed up in 1k words 💀#like ok! now im kinda sad! now i feel kinda bad about myself! now im kinda embarrassed!#what are you trying to achieve by criticizing fanfic sorry 😭😭
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The fact that Abel believes humans and vampires are all God's children is such an interesting detail. Like Abel has enough guilt already, but the fact that he doesn't see vampires as soulless beings just seems like it would add additional layers of guilt to him.
#ok i get that he can survive without vampire blood#although that is never satisfactorily explained... maybe the answer is in the books which i really need to read#and he also only ever feeds on evil vampires#but i still wonder if he feels sadness because they won't get a second chance because i feel like second chances are important to him#like his whole shtick is that he is penitent of his past sins so i feel like he probably regrets taking that chance away from others#but at the same time i think he also knows that he's doing the right thing which is probably a little bit comforting#there's just something sad and poetic about his acts of penance making him more guilty#it kinda drives home the idea in the Bible that your good deeds are as rags and salvation is only by the grace of God#trinity blood#abel nightroad#film analysis
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GIRL HELP WDYM I REACHED 30 TAGS??????? OMG???? I WASN'T EVEN DONE YET
ANYWAYS 31st: and that compared to a relationship where the communication lines are basically none or very fucking weak then yeah it is an upgrade I think. Idfk I was never in a relationship I'm just picking from the ones I've seen in my life
#it's like that one image i saw#under read more too bc i don't wanna get jumpscared#anyways i wanted to say#one thing is that I've been kinda into hlevpeka (how do you even call that?) for like. 2 years? 3?#it's just that it kinda fell off for me once i started thinking about the possibilities of hlevteo (which was around the end of 2023 so)#but ig the myth hunt trio as a whole is kinda making me pick it back#definitely the most underdeveloped out of the 3 tho. i have no idea what could lead to the same guy have weird shit going on with himself#well probably it is a want to learn about himself or something#they were separate for a good while so ig they wanna pick things back and learn together#what makes them them and what they like for themselves#and who can know you better than yourself (?) idk it's weird i need a good excuse still#anywayyyyys#I've also been thinking about something for hlevteo#like bc i want it to have significant differences over teopeka (healthier ones at that) and i think one of them would be like. transparency#and sincerity and “truth” (if you really wanna tie it back to myth hunting)#bc i feel they'd reach a point where they like. can be open with each other right#and i feel that'd amount to like. knowing stuff nobody else does#like teo would tell hlev like. oh yeah me and peka have been around for almost a decade now. yeah it was a very weird thing for those times#i think the reason why im even here with you is bc you remind me of him. ig i just gravitate towards you#and hlev would be like yeah dw it's fine. y'know you also kinda remind me of someone. of like- oh that's gonna be weird to explain#and then he explains to her the whole. Thing. about being a protagonist#and she'd be like “oh huh well alright. that's one more existencial crisis for me. anyways what does that have to do with anything#and he'd be like “yeah ok so the reason why i think im also around you is bc of the power dynamic(?) we have#like you're my boss still and i honestly like that? I think all those years of feeling helpless and powerless have kinda taken a toll on me#and she'd be like “oh huh alright i guess that makes sense. that's kinda sad tho”#(heavy projecting there with That Man™ but it's whatever)#anyways what im trying to say it's that like. it's not that the motives behind the attraction are healthier?#it's moreso the fact they explained them at length to each other that kinda is? bc then they can work from there right?#like they can like. at minimum make them not devolve into something obnoxiously bad
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wow, you really realise that you don't give a single fuck about a series anymore when they bring a character who has been "dead" for over a year back to life and you couldn't care less
#and I liked him too#like imagine if it were a character I didn't like I definitely wouldn't care#but now that it's one I really liked a lot and I still don't care#it's just kinda weird#I'm not trying to invalidate other people's experience of the series but seeing fans getting so excited and saying stuff like#'hori never disappoints' is so odd to me because I just can't feel anything about mha anymore#I do not feel any excitement when there's a new chapter#I do not care about any of the new plot developments#and it's sad when a series that used to fill me with such joy has disappointed me this much that I simply stop caring about it#the writing just isn't for me anymore#that's ok#I hope others can keep enjoying it#this chapter was titled 'the end of an era'#I suppose that fits my post too#goodbye my hero academia#I wish I still cared enough to be able to say you will be missed
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bro idk if I'm gonna be at all coherent about this but like. when a character has a power or a trait or an ability or something that makes them cool/beautiful/special but it's also indicative of something wrong with them or something they hate about themselves or something that needs to be given up that will make them happier. like this was a part of them for so long, a defining trait, and now it's gone and they've changed irreparably. it was for the better but you still feel loss and grief and you're guilty about it because it's a good thing. that's so transgender to me. i dunno
#just like. i couldnt possibly imagine myself any different but now i have to#and even if that was a conscious choice i still feel like im missing something#these wings on my back were so pretty but they weighed me down so much#and now that theyre gone i feel free but i dont know how to live without them#ARGH this is kinda about vash. i was thinking about what he might think about himself and i got sad#he doesnt talk about his feathers much at least where i am in the manga but does he wish they were gone#does he accept them as part of himself? is he scared of what he could do?#then i got thinking about how even though theyre monstrous theyre a part of him#if they disappeared would he feel better? would he miss them?#ok i am MAD projecting rn i need to stop#not art
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i wanna talk about my relationship but i have a lot of big thoughts and reflections and no one else is up to hear it so i will put it here for now
#first off its going great#second off its. i feel both relieved and pissed that i had to get thru some BS to get here#i like i can tell my partner is crazy for me and im a lil crazy for him but we both give each other space#while not making it overwhelming to hang with each other#like. its fun. its normal#it feels still too early to call anything#its so fulfilling. it kinda makes me sad i couldnt get this before#most of all i feel confident i can bring up issues if i feel any#and he wont act like its the end of the world or deflect#crazy stuff.... my standards sound so low jfc#but our interests align so much its hard to have both a partner you can engage that with and also have a healthy balance#i still have work on myself to do but he likes that i acknowledge that and lets me know he has my back. i feel emotional#when people ask how my relationships going these are the things my brain wants to bring up but isnt actively thinking about#im still trying to be very careful about my feelings and looking out for potential avenues where things can get overwhelming#i feel secure with him but i also thought i felt secure with my last ordeal and that was... cope more than genuine#i know i have problems with letting my guard down too easily sometimes... but i like that we both seem to wanna take our time#were on the same page. lol#ok sorry for tag spam
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i think my brain is just going to flood me with every single thing that sucked and was weird about coming out as trans at 15 for a while lol.
#god i wish i could remember when in the year i came out lol#it was totally early in the year.#i have so much i want to complain about or be sad about and a lot of things I wish I'd handled differently#mostly just thinking about a friend from boy school telling me [my] secret is safe with [him]'#and being slightly 'lol. I'm like out it's fine' about it instead of actually clinging on to still being friends with him#can't even imagine what it was like to have one of his best friends leave and then suddenly be trans#and to try and be supportive and she kinda drops off the face of the earth#now it's just kinda awkward occasionally seeing eachother across town or something#if it wasn't obvious boys don't cry is based on my experience at boys school lmao#there's also a bit of a feeling of 'wasting' transitioning so young because i could have gotten laser/electrolysis but didn't#and never voice trained. but also like who cares? that's just who i am. it wasn't a huge deal at the time and it isn't now#it's just looking back at missed opportunities i guess#ok I'll shush now#i know it was probably before june 2018 but I'm so bad at remembering#i don't know how long it all took to deal with my parents#so I don't remember#but I'm 90% sure i got girl stuff for my birthday? or that was the year after. i literally don't remember#no it was
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i just struggle to believe theres any ethical way to harvest meat. farm animal dying of old age? yeah. ok. sure. but farm animals aren't going to be perpetually dying of old age enough to fulfill the demand for their meats. you can make better and more convincing arguments to me for ethically harvesting eggs, wool and milk rather than meat.
#eggs? just supplement the chickens diet with more diverse foods to make up for the nutrients lost that they would otherwise have#if they were left to consume their own unfertile eggs#wool? well unfortunately we've already bred sheep to constantly grow wool so you kinda have to shear them for their own wellbeing#milk's a little harder to convince me w. but as long as you're not taking more than the calf needs then it should be generally ok.#the true crime however is how aurochs went extinct so that humans could benefit from them.#i don't think you can convince me that genetically altering animals for human benefit was ever a good idea. but we're here already.#so we gotta figure it out. i'm still disgusted about how we got here.#give me a convincing reason not to be. i do not marvel at the 'greatness and intellect of humanity' because all I see is people#using these animals as a means to an end. it feels the same to me as genetically altering dogs till they can hardly function.#wish people would just admit that this endeavor was done by the selfishness of humanity rather than try to fluff it up with#'well the animals can benefit too !!!' yeah but who benefits more and why do they deserve to benefit more#its fine to admit its done for self serving reasons. i'd respect you more if you did admit it.#humans do a lot of things for self serving reasons. the worst is when humans try to convince themselves thats Not the reason they#did something so blatantly self serving.#i think a lot of progressive types struggle to accept when they do things for self serving reasons. im not gonna pull a 'humans are#inherently selfish' on you but selfishness is very much a core part of being human and an animal in general. it's not what defines#us and it's not our only trait. we are a social species after all so it doesnt serve us to be purely selfish#but we do be being selfish still. we're not gonna be able to fully escape that behavior. you're not gonna be able to escape being#selfish by virtue of calling yourself progressive. it's impossible. just do your best to not be selfish but also dont deny when you are#honesty with yourself and what you're like is important. you're never going to be a pure perfect good moral person ever.#and convincing yourself all your actions are ones of Morality is Not the way you should go about ANYTHING ever#its why instead of letting yourself be kinda sad about an animal having to die to feed you you somehow try to convince yourself#that the animal wanted it or needed it or benefited somehow. it didn't. and thats ok to acknowledge. you're not an inhuman monster#for eating a dead animal. that doesn't mean it cant be sad. that doesn't mean you dont pay your respects. be sad it happened#and at the same time thankful for the animal feeding you. dont skip with glee about its sacrifice bc thats just fuckin.... weird...#a lil unhinged......... 'im so glad you're dying for me :)))))))' like.... girl what#not that you cant be happy to be fed just like.... dont sound like a serial killer about it in your inner monologue.............
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work is :) almost done :)
#i wasnt hounded today God knew I need a break whew 😭#still have a gajillion projects but no ones messaging me abt them so that’s A-OK with me <3#been feeling strangely sad lately despite doing all the self care things#i think i just need some time with friends and as much as I love my parents I’m kinda missing out on that over here#thinking about going back home soon my friends were asking to do a housewarming party#and im excited for that#not super excited about the thought of going home overall but I’ve definitely enjoyed the peace and quiet here#and I’ve been outside every chance I get even just the beach so feel like I really made the most out of my trip#thoughts
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