#that would take a lot of pressure away because ive been going insane over trying to find a new job

[tardis--dreams]

I had the best interaction with my boss today. She sent me an email around 12:30 aking if i could call her at 2pm. I say yes. It's 2pm. I call. I call. I call. It's 2:04pm, she sends me her number (which i already had). I call. I call. I call. 12 times in total. It's 2:20pm. I send an email saying i unsuccessfully tried calling a few times, asking if it would be better at a later point in time. She sends a reply. It says "sorry it was on silent." I cry

[wedreamedlove]

[FIC] Dandelion

Rating: G Characters: Li Zeyan/Reader Word Count: 1589

Prompt: Hi! I really like your writing 🥺! Thank you for your hard work❤️❤️! If you don't mind can I request a headcanon about Victor when MC is hospitalized because she is fainted due to her overwork, and when she gain her consciousness she try to leave the hospital because she is worried about the important filming at her office, but Victor chase her and make her back to hospital's bed? I will really happy if you grant my request 🥰🥰

A/N: Thank you for your kind words! I ended up writing this in my usual 2nd person perspective but the experiences are of the MC in the game. If that bothers anyone, oops, you can re-imagine this to be written in 3rd person perspective.

Something like fuzz encroaches at the edges of your vision and your head feels like it's filled with cotton. None of these are good signs and, to be honest, you know you're at your limit after working 60 hours for the past three days.

You're able to get away with this—as well as the enormous pile of energy drinks on your desk—only because Anna is away on a business trip for another project, meaning no one else in the company dares to make you take a break. Oh, there are people who make gentle suggestions to rest but none of them can budge your determination to perfect this important contract you had accepted. Last minute changes had been added to the outline and so, to ensure everything is still on schedule, you have to pull this insane work schedule.

But you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to finish looking through the last 20 pages of this document in front of you.

You rub your forehead to stave off the building tension in your head and reach out with your other hand for a drink. However, your hand only bumps into empty cans around you and you grimace as you realize you have to make another run to the nearby convenience store to buy more drinks.

When you stand up to do just that, extreme vertigo assaults you and your last thought before your vision goes black is 'Oh... this isn't good.'

#

You wake up to an extremely white ceiling.

It's pure white.

It's so white that, for a second, you morbidly wonder if you really overdid it this time. But then the rest of your senses make themselves known and you smell the antiseptic scent of a hospital, you feel the crisp sheets below your hands, and you think you hear someone breathing.

You turn your head to the side and your gaze collides into eyes the color of steel. It's Li Zeyan, and with an incredible scowl no less.

"You're awake."

You struggle to sit up and swing your legs to the side of the bed, but he places a large hand on your thigh immediately, obstructing your movement and pressing you down.

"What do you think you're doing?" Li Zeyan's voice is clipped. Uh oh, someone isn't happy.

"I have to get back to the company."

He gives you an incredulous look. "Do you realize what state you're in?"

His words make you notice you're in a hospital gown and there is an IV drip attached to you. You wince slightly at the sight of the needle in the back of your hand but another thought soon takes over your mind.

"Wait, how long have I been here? Did I miss the deadline?" Your voice rises in desperation and there's a suffocating weight on your chest when you think about how all your earlier work might amount to nothing.

"Idiot, how are you still thinking about work? You truly don't understand your condition. You hadn't had any proper sleep or food and the amount of energy drinks you were drinking was dangerous. Even though you're still young, if you continue like that you could do irreparable damage to your body. You—" He cuts himself off and his eyes widen. "Are you... crying?"

You reflexively reach up to touch your cheek and your fingertips come back wet. You blink and Li Zeyan's figure goes blurry as more tears well up in your eyes.

"Sorry, it's just a physical reaction. Don't mind me. You can keep lecturing. I'm listening," you choke out through a tight throat. Frustration, embarrassment, and mortification strangles you.

You roughly wipe at the tears, wanting them to stop right now before you see the exasperation in Li Zeyan's eyes. Intellectually, you know he's right and you don't want it to look like you're crying to get him to go easy on you. There have been many times where you feel childish and inadequate compared to him and so you don't need to come off even more as a baby throwing a tantrum.

But the tears just won't stop. Your shoulders shake with the effort you use to suppress your sobs.

A hand holding a tissue box appears in your lap.

"Cry it out."

You shake your head like a rattle drum.

"... What haven't I seen?" Li Zeyan's voice is low and even, and it's when he places a hand on your head that your last resistance crumbles.

You hunch over, automatically trying to stifle your gasps, but you end up crying your eyes out anyway.

You cry, and cry, and cry. You cry about the pressure of the deadline. You cry about the fear of not being able to make it. You cry about the anxiety and worry over whether you're doing enough or whether you're good enough. You cry at how hard it is to be be a successful adult.

The entire time you can feel the soft pressure of Li Zeyan stroking your hair.

Eventually, you calm down enough to start pulling wads of tissue out of the box to wipe your eyes and blow your nose as the last of your tears trickle to a stop. All your emotions feel raw and sensitive, but you have to admit you feel a lot better.

Li Zeyan takes your dirty tissues before you can say anything and tosses them into the wastebasket below the bed. Then he levels an unreadable gaze on you and, just as you're about to squirm and open your mouth, he speaks first.

"Why are you working so hard?"

"Huh?"

"No one pushes themselves like this unless there's something very important they're trying to achieve. So, what is it for you?"

"... You're going to think I'm dumb."

He stares at you flatly and you can see that he's clearly thinking it's a bit too late for that.

You look down at the hospital sheets and pick at a loose thread. "I want to catch up to you."

"Idiot." He actually scoffs out loud but continues before you can decide how to react to that, leaning back in his chair. "Do you know why I created Huarui?"

You blink, caught off guard. You know it isn't a family business and that he started the company when he was in his final years of university. But did he ever say why he created it? Because he could? Li Zeyan standing at the top of the world seems as natural as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, so you never questioned it.

He sees your confusion and explains, "I was looking for the girl who saved me when I was a child. I searched for her for 11 years."

Your childhood memories are still vague but you do remember the more recent memory of the film set where you and Li Zeyan had been tricked and how you jumped in front of Li Zeyan to shield him. You can almost feel the ache and burn of the lightning strike again if you think hard enough.

Li Zeyan continues to look at you, his eyes calm without any ripples. "I built Huarui and made it rise to the top because I thought that, if I stood in the highest place I could think of, then she would have an easier time finding me. Of course, the position itself also allowed me to increase the extent of my search for her."

"In the end, I did find you."

A wry smile flashes across his face, so quick you doubt your eyes. "Yes, you found me first, and so my choice wasn't the wrong one."

You know he's trying to tell you something but, try as you might, you can't figure out how the current conversation connects back to the previous one. As the silence grows, you see exasperation appear in Li Zeyan's eyes before he sighs lightly.

"Now, after all these years and efforts, do you think I would walk away? You only need to reach out and I'm right here, waiting for you."

His words crash into you, bringing with them a sudden epiphany and new perspective. You reach out without a thought, as if to touch him and make sure he really is there, but then you realize how silly that looks. Before your hand can drop though, he covers the remaining distance and grabs your hand, wrapping your entire hand within his and entwining your fingers together. The familiar warmth and steady strength makes your eyes sting again and you drop your gaze to your interlinked hands, not wanting him to see you cry again.

You finally realize you've been mistaken all this time. You were being crushed by your own expectations and desires to stand beside him. In your head, you imagined him to be walking ahead of you, his back growing smaller and smaller. But that isn't true at all. Yes, he stands in front of you, but he isn't moving. Instead, his body is turned to yours and he's holding a hand out towards you, waiting for you to take a step. If you fall, he will catch you. If you take a firm step and grasp his hand, he will take another step forward and wait for you there.

"I'm not going anywhere." The words were low and solemn.

"Mm."

Against all odds, you both found each other again and so there is no way either of you will leave the other.

[tinyboxxtink]

"....So I Married A Monster" *Part 9*

Chapter 8

Chapter 10

[I imagine this is him being a 'dad', lol]

Sorry this took so long ya'll. I love you.

I did my best!

Tag List

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--------------

“Ma’am, you really need to calm down--” A nurse pulled you back into the bed while you continued to scream and cry.

“No, I need to know where they’re taking that man!” You screamed as you wriggled from her grasp.

“Most likely to surgery, ma’am,” The doctor explained. “He did just get a GSW to the chest--”

“Oh God,” You wanted to vomit. “But the-- the man who just left, he--” You suddenly had an epiphany of where Billy was headed.

“You have to get officers to 5237 Lakeview Shore Drive,” You said in a panicked voice. “He’s going to grab my children,”

“Aren’t they his children as well, ma’am?” The nurse gave you a look.

“He has NO right to them!” You gave her an exasperated look. “And seriously? You think a man who just murdered two--” No, you couldn’t think that way. Rafael was still alive, he had to be.

“Shot, two men,” You corrected yourself. “Deserves children?!”

“No, ma’am,” She shook her head. “Sorry, ma’am. He was just so kind and charming the last time he was--”

“Jesus Christ, are you really that starved for affection that a psychopath flirting with you is the highlight of your career, idiot?” You sneered at the girl who couldn’t have been more than 19. Just a candy striper-- of course Billy would go for her.

“Alright, Addie-- out,” The doctor pointed towards the door. “Make yourself useful and call 911,”

“But there’s already--”

“OUT,” The doctor barked once more. Addie rolled her eyes and stomped out of the room.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” He apologized, patting your shoulder. “You need to stay calm, we’ve stopped your bleeding and stitched you up, but if you become hysterical you could rip them out,”

“I just watched my ex-husband shoot the love of my life and then storm out of here to go kidnap my children, and you expect me not to get hysterical?”

“At least try, ma’am--” He pleaded with you.

“If you call me ma’am one more time I swear to God--” You growled.

“I’m sorry, Miss Y/N,” He corrected himself.

“Doctor you’ve just sewn up my literal anus, I think we’re on a first name basis,” You rolled your eyes.

“Right,” He chuckled nervously. “Listen if you promise to at least attempt to stay calm, I will go check on your boyfriend, alright?”

“Fine,” You sighed.

“Alright then,” The doctor gestured to two male nurses. sending them to find out information on Rafael.

---------

Rafael was indeed being rushed into an operating room, his chest bleeding profusely. It had missed his aorta, but just barely. One wrong movement by a scalpel and he’d die right on that table.

“...He’s lost a lot of blood already, doctor,” One nurse warned.

“Put him on bypass, I need more time to cauterize this wound!” The doctor barked as he sweat through his surgical scrubs.

“Yes sir,” The nurse nodded to someone who brought forward a machine and began hooking it up to Rafael.

“Alright people, we don’t have a lot of time,” He looked around the room.

"Pray for a miracle,"

-------------

At Your House

Lewis rushed into your house, trying to think of what to do. He’d need to get the girls and run-- it wouldn’t be easy. He’d need a good excuse. God, what would be a good excuse?

Lewis first went to Maggie’s room, gently waking her up.

“Mags? Maggie, wake up baby,” He cooed.

“What’s wrong dad?” Maggie asked while still half asleep.

“We-- we need to go,” He told her.

“Right now?” She turned her head to the side like a confused puppy.

“Yes, right now baby,” He began to grab her things and shoving them into her backpack. “Mommy’s in trouble,”

“In trouble?!” Maggie suddenly shot straight up in her bed.

“It’s fine, I’m sure she’ll be fine,” Lewis tried to keep her calm. “I just don’t want that bad man to get ahold of you and Kylie,”

“He has her?!” Maggie suddenly had panic in her voice.

“Maggie calm down, okay sweetie?” Lewis put his hands on her face. “We can’t let Kylie know, okay? So we’re going to tell her…”

“We’re going to the beach!” Maggie suddenly finished his thought. She was a great liar, quick on her feet. Just a chip off the ol’ Lewis block.

“Great idea baby!” He nodded while she pulled a jacket over her pj’s.

“And-- And we can go to the beach house, the one we used to go to?” She made that adorable little puppy dog face he couldn’t resist. He didn’t exactly “own” that beach house, but whatever his baby wanted, she got.

“Yes, yes of course Mags. Whatever you want sweetie,” He kissed the top of her head before they went into Kylie’s room.

“Kylie, wake up,” Maggie shook her awake while Billy began packing her a bag.

“Where are we going?” Kylie asked sleepily.

“We’re going to the beach baby,” Billy told her as he finished with her suitcase.

“In the middle of the night?” Kylie rubbed her eyes while Maggie helped her put some clothes on.

“Well, we want to be there as fast as we can!” Maggie continued to spin her web of lies, just like her daddy.

“Where’s mommy?” Kylie rubbed her eyes while Billy slipped her shoes on and they headed to the car.

“She’s uh…” He looked at Maggie.

“She’s still a little sick, so she’s going to meet us there later,” Maggie told her while giving her dad a thumbs up. He could cry in pride right now if he wasn’t worried about the cops finding them before he could escape.

“Okay,” Kylie just went along with the story, no questions asked.

Billy went to your key ring and grabbed your keys to your SUV, shooing the girls out into the car. He did a quick look around to make sure he had everything. Well, he had everything that mattered. His girls.

He glared around the room for a moment, pissed off that you had taken away your chances at happiness in this place. It would have been a great life; just him, you and the girls. No cops, no dumbass ADA, just you and him.

Well, soon enough it would be. He was sure Barba was dying right now, if not already dead. Then once he was out of the picture, you’d have no choice but to come back to him. He had the girls. He had your car. He had your happiness.

And soon, he would have you.

------------------

At The Hospital

The nurses had been forced to knock you out with some morphine when you began to get hysterical over not knowing what was going on with Rafael and your girls. So here you were, waking up groggy and disoriented in a regular hospital room. Soon enough you were alert and back on the anxiety train. You pushed on the CALL NURSE button rapidly until an older woman in green scrubs came rushing in.

“Y’Know that button is for actual emergencies,” She crossed her arms once she noticed you were fine.

“This IS an emergency,” You crossed your arms right back at her. “I asked to hear about my family, and all you people did was knock me out. That has to break some sort of law,”

“Really and what law would that be?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I...don’t know, but I’m sure my boyfriend could find one,” You huffed.

“Highly unlikely ma’am,” She shook her head.

“Why?” Your eyes went wide. “Why wouldn’t he? Is it because he’s dead? Brain dead? Paralyzed and unable to speak?!”

“No honey,” She rolled her eyes at your dramatics. “It’s just an insane notion,”

“...Whatever,” You muttered while she checked your IV’s and stats. “So are you going to tell me how he is? Or are you just here to shoot me up with more morphine?”

“Well, that depends,” She said while inputting your information in her iPad. “Can you keep calm, make sure you don’t rupture any of your stitches?”

“....Not with that tone I can’t,” You didn’t like it one bit. “But I think I deserve to know what’s being done about my children at the very least,”

“Well…” The nurse looked at the door nervously. “See, sweetie here’s the thing--” She walked over and made sure the door was fully closed.

“Oh God,” Your voice trembled.

“It seems your ex-husband has...taken them” She grimaced.

“Oh god,” You repeated. “Oh GOD,” You were going to be sick.

The heart monitor and machines began to beep as your blood pressure skyrocketed, bells and whistles went off as you started to have a panic attack. The nurse instantly started turning all of them off, not wanting to alert anyone of what she had done by telling you.

“Okay okay but LOOK, honey--” She grabbed you by your shoulders, forcing you to take a breath and look at her.

“....If I bring you someone, will you promise to calm down?” She asked.

You weren’t entirely sure you could make that promise, but if it was Rafael she was going to bring you, you’d say anything she wanted to hear.

“Yes,” You nodded vigorously. The nurse nodded back and walked to the side of your bed that had a curtain separating you and another patient. When she pulled it back, you saw Rafael laying in a hospital bed hooked up to wires and tubes, a breathing apparatus on his face. She pushed the bed over so that it was touching yours, almost like it was one big king bed for the two of you.

“Oh my god…” You whispered, barely able to hold it together. “Can I--?”

“Be gentle,” She warned you. You nodded softly before very cautiously stroking the side of his face, whispering to him.

“Baby, I’m here…” You pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’m here and I’m okay, so you have to be okay, okay?”

“How bad is it?” You looked up to the nurse.

“Well he made it through surgery,” She gestured to his still living body. “That’s always a good sign,”

“Give it to me straight...Marla,” You read her name tag.

“It was touch and go for a while, I won’t lie to you,” She sighed. “But...he’s been stable long enough I convinced them to let me bring him here to you,”

“....Thank you,” You gave her a small smile.

“If it were my Jonas in that bed, I’d never want him out of my sight either,” She smiled at you.

“Nurse Nightingale,” A doctor popped his head in. “Your husband is on line 1,”

“Speak of the devil,” She chuckled, heading towards the door. “I’ll be back to check on you later, I’ll-- see what I can find out about your children,”

“God…” You shook your head and muttered under your breath again.

“I’m sure they’re fine honey. They’re with their daddy at least, right?”

“True,” You nodded with another small relieved smile. If there was one thing you could bet money on, it was that Billy would take care of the girls. He was using them as collateral for sure, but he wouldn’t hurt them.

Would he?

---------------

Meanwhile

Hours and hours had passed. Billy had made it to the Hamptons with the girls. Luckily for him the people he was ‘borrowing’ the house from still hadn’t made an appearance. Given that it was the beginning of fall and the season was over, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have to kill anyone to keep them staying there a secret.

The girls were in the living room watching Moana while Billy scrolled through his phone at the latest news blurbs and trending things on Twitter. Obviously “William Lewis” was out in the open again-- shit. People would be looking for him now. But nobody knew where they were-- they’d never find them. Right? He couldn’t go back to prison, not after the hell he went through to get out. He would never go back again, no matter what. Nothing was going to stand in his way, or slow him down. He intently watched Maggie and Kylie-- they were laughing and eating cereal. Maggie could hold her own for sure, but Kylie was just a tot. Could she handle being shuffled around the state? The country?

He seriously began to ponder if the girls were slowing him down.

[sixofpomegranates]

Rain in California - Act 1 - Fame

🥀Mini Series “Rain in California” Act 1 - Part 3 - Fame🥀

✨My Main Masterlist✨ | 18+ | AO3 | Wattpad

🥀Soundtrack🥀 | ✨Aestethic Trailer✨ |  🥀Masterlist🥀 | Words: 6.4k

🥀click here for the previous chapter🥀

TW: ANGST (LIKE REALLY),  mention of loss/death/addiction/sobriety/murder/abortion/miscarriage, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, depression, addiction, substance abuse, drugs, alcohol, ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, mentions of OD, PTSD, Self-Harm/Cutting, religious trauma, past physical/psychological abuse on child/teen, abusive parents, teen pregnancy, murder, injustice, withdrawal symptoms,

Songs in this Chapter:

Heartbeat - Don Johnson

Seven hours and a Gastric Suction later, [y/n] felt like hell.

Her throat hurt and the medication they´d given her didn’t work. Now she laid in her hospital room, in her uncomfortable bed and was mostly angry at herself. [y/n] didn’t know why she had acted so stupid…well, probably because she had been high as hell. Not feeling able to control herself, when taken more than usual.

 She didn’t want to be so erratic, but when she was high, it just all seemed so easy. Saying the things she thought, doing things she normally would never even dare thinking of, not being hurt by others...On drugs she felt free. Herself.

Although she didn’t even know who she was anymore.

 When Spencer was holding her in the bathroom?

That was the first time somebody had said something to her about her addictions, except for ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’, ’It´s not that bad.’, ‘We´re here once you´re ready.’ and ’She´s just having a rough time.’.

It was the first time somebody really seemed to see through her and literally forced her to look at herself in the mirror. To care for her enough to show her tough love. Leroy, Hank and Tom had tried it, but given up on her, sure they supported and cared for her still, but for them she was already too far gone. And they were probably right about it.

 But the dog? He still had wanted to help her, even after she tried being her ugliest.

 She had gone too far, still remembering his face, the terror in it, when she cut her wrist, when she had taken all her pills at once. [y/n] had wanted to hurt him like that, her mind, her stupid junkie mind, had her convinced, that doing it would be a great way to get back at him.

Because she felt hurt, being rejected by him.

 Most likely she had scarred him for life. And now he hadn’t come in, since she was allowed to have visitors, and probably would never come back.

 She has successfully driven away the only one that had still cared enough.

 Now, mostly sober, she felt like a monster, aware that she was a wreck beyond repair.

 Of course she had, in the beginning, thought about stopping. But the drugs were the smaller evil to her, since they calmed her mind and made her forget the pain. She would stay alone forever, unworthy other people´s love, her mind should at least be allowed to be numb.

 *****

 “I came as fast as I could. What happened?”, Philip handed Spencer a duffle bag, filled with [y/n]´s clothing. He had asked him to bring it, since Spencer didn’t know how long she would stay.

“They pumped her stomach and had to stitch the wound on her wrist.”, he stated, making the short manager´s eyes go wide.

“Are you insane? What if they hurt her vocal cords?”, the tall one tried to remain calm, but had to really force himself to not hit Philip.

 Why was that a priority?

 “I didn’t wanna let her die. She could´ve OD´d. What would you have done?”, Spencer asked slightly aggravated.

“Carry her to the bathroom and force her to throw up, until nothing´s in her stomach anymore. Then I usually take her to bed and give her water every hour and feed her soup until she´s better.”, the manager explained and Spencer felt like that had to be a joke.

 “That has happened before?”, he asked baffled and Philip nodded. “Yeah, a couple of times, but she always either took something or cut herself. Never both at the same time. Where you two fighting again?”, he asked reproachful and Spencer felt the guilt sink into his heart. “See, agent Prentiss? This is why I said, [y/n] didn’t need a bodyguard.”

“I´m sorry, but I don’t think that this is the result of having a bodyguard. It´s much more one to them not getting along and [y/n] being highly addicted to a couple of substances.”, Emily stepped in for Spencer.

 The manager just ignored the her obvious insinuation of the rockstars declining mental help, before going into [y/n]´s room. The agents then just looked at each other before going in too.

 *****

 This was the first time Spencer saw [y/n], since they got here. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to be alone with her before. She was laying in her bed, bandage on her left wrist, looking directly at him when he came in. They had taken of her make-up, making Spencer realize, that she was prettier without it. Her jet black, dark hair in a ponytail. To him she looked calmer and softer like this. The real girl behind the façade. Philip was already all over her.

 “[y/n], you look awful.”, he said, shaking up the pillow as she got up a little, to sit.

“Feel like it too.”, her voice sounded a little raspy.

“Poor girl. How is your voice? Do you need anything?” “Fine. My throat´s just a little sore. Can you check me out of here? The faster, the better. That way I can go home without the media knowing.”, Spencer and Emily shared a look.

“The paparazzies showed up an hour ago.”, Emily stated, making [y/n] nod.

 She leaned further back in her pillow and looked at Spencer, like she wanted to say something.

 “C-Can you still check me out, Philly?”, Philip nodded.

“Of course. I´ll be back asap and then we´ll take you home so you can pack.”, he walked outside and [y/n] looked at Emily.

“Can – I don’t know – you maybe go with him?”, she asked her friendly.

 The dark haired woman shared a look with Spencer, who nodded at her. Signaling, that he was okay being alone with the singer again. Emily then nodded and walked after Philip, closing the door on her way out. For a second Spencer thought about leaving the room too. To, no longer, have this black-haired demon take hits against his sanity, but then her voice cut into the silence of the room.

 “I´m sorry.”, she said and Spencer wondered, if she was being honest.

“For almost killing yourself?”, he asked her sarcastically and she shook her head.

“For how I treated you.”

“I´ve been through worse. You´d need to be trying way harder, if you want me to break.”, he answered her cold and she began looking at her hands.

“I´m sorry, I tried pressuring you, to take drugs.”, Spencer shrugged at that. “You were high. If I didn’t relapse after the love of my life was killed or when I was put wrongfully into prison, I won´t relapse because a pretty girl is offering me drugs.” “Doesn’t make it better or okay. I saw the token in your room, when I was looking for my pills. I knew and still did it. You must really hate me.”, [y/n]´s voice sounded like she was about to cry.

“I don’t hate you.”, he said gently, sitting down on her bed. [y/n] let out a self-degrading laugh and looked at him, tears filling her eyes. “No, it´s okay. I deserve it.”, she looked over to her IV drip bag, filled with clear liquid, and hit it slightly. “That stuff makes me sentimental.”, she tried saying jokingly, but sounded just sad.

 Spencer looked at her for a while, thinking about what he could say. He hadn’t thought she would apologize for how she acted and he had meant what he had told her. He didn’t hate her. Yes, she was emotionally draining to be around, it wasn’t all bad though.

 Spencer remembered Philip and how he had talked about the two sides of people.

 “That´s no medication, [y/n].”, she looked at him confused. “You lost a lot of water so…Yeah. What you´re feeling is the drugs wearing off.”, he cooed, holding himself back with the rambling. “Nice. That´s what every junkie loves to hear.”, both chuckled a little. “Hey, I give you ten thousand dollar, if you get me some pills, my head hurts like hell.”, she said it in a joking manner, making Spencer chuckle and shake his head.

“No chance. I´m not bribable.”

“Makes you one of few in Hollywood.”, the sound of rain made [y/n] look to the window. “Can you open it?”, he nodded and got up. “Thanks. I love the sound of rain. People always portrait it to be so sad when it rains, but I think it´s nice…cleansing.”

 He opened the window and sat next to her bed on the chair. They listened to the sound of raindrops hitting the streets for a while, when he decided to take the shot and ask [y/n], what had been on his mind for the last hours.

 “Why are you doing it?”, she looked at Spencer, making a questioning noise. “Cutting yourself, taking drugs.”

“The pain makes you feel alive and the drugs help you hide the side effects of being it.”, Spencer chuckled a little.

“So melodramatic.”

 High, she would have probably devoured him, but now she only smirked and rolled her eyes. By now a certain realness tried finding its way in both their voices.

 “What was your reason for taking them then?”, she asked, leaning in his direction.

 Spencer thought a second, honesty was earned and he wanted her to be honest with him. So he gave her a trust bonus, reviling a bit of his darkness.

 “I wasn’t giving the chance of choosing to take them. I was kidnapped and my tormentor, at least one of his personalities, thought he would help me handling the pain.”

 He could´ve sworn to see empathy in her eyes, but instead of showing it or whispering words of condolences, like so many others would do in this situation, she just smiled.

 “And there I was, thinking you´re just a hypocrite.”, he shrugged. “Well…I am one.” “How?”, [y/n] asked, a little frown appearing on her forehead. “Because you were right. I think you are attractive and maybe my motive wasn’t all just about protecting you at the concert.”, he could feel himself blush.

“I´m sorry for acting out, after…you know.”

“It´s okay. Would you feel better, knowing that I really hated making the decision, to not sleep with you?”, she nodded.

“A little.” “Good. Cause it was. But it was the right thing to do.”, she smiled a little and began focusing on her hands again.

“You see, I get it now and I´m glad, at least one of us, has made a right decision tonight but…I don’t know how I´ll be to you, when I´m high again.”, her concerned voice made him take her hand. Being afraid of your own mind, no longer being able to control it, was something he was very familiar with. “Then don’t be. We could get you into rehab.”

 [y/n] chuckled and took his hand with both of hers, caressing it with her thumbs. She seemed to be thinking. Making Spencer believe she may be taking his offer. But the longer she thought, the more obvious it became, that she was losing to something dark inside her head.

“Would be a waste of time.”, she whispered, her playfulness gone, as if reality just slapped her into the face.

“But if you continue like this, you´ll be dead soon.”, [y/n] gave him a gentle smile.

“You always say that, like I don’t plan on dying with twenty-seven.”

 For a second he tried reading her, hoping she was joking, having made those suicidal jokes a little to often in the last days. When he didn’t like the answer, he prepared himself to hear it from her.

“Do you?”, she nodded. “I´m going to join ‘Club 27’ and then drift into oblivion. My songs and everything I did, only becoming an relic from the past.”

 The way she said it, made it sound like she had already made peace with that decision. It frightened Spencer, making him think of how to make her re-think it.

“What about your friends?”

“There´s only the band…and I started pushing them away from me, a long time ago. I saw how it will end for me and decided not to have it hurt them, like it hurt me, when I found my mom.”, he shook his head. He refused to accept this as an answer.

“And what about yourself? You can’t just feel like dying is the only option.” “It´s not. But it´s the most relieving one.”

 The calmness in her voice and body language showed him so much. What had driven her into that state? A state were death was seen as a relieve, because everything else hurt too much. Depression. She showed signs of it. Many people with addicted use it to cope with their mental problems. What had happened to her? His mind traveled back to the day before, to the only moments when she had let her façade slip.

 To the silver bullet that would kill her.

 “What happened to your baby?”, he asked her stern and she looked at him defeated.

“Oh, I see…I´ve been profiled. What do you think happened?”

“You lost it.”, she nodded, but he continued, carefully watching her body language. He wanted answers, but would stop when she would get too uncomfortable. “Probably because of your abusive father.”, she nodded again, seeming a little numb to his words. “Was he religious?”, the black-haired girl chuckled and answered him a little sarcastic.

“Depends on how religious you´d call a reverend. Why?”

“Religious trauma or trying to shock people. Your music, I mean.”

 For a second [y/n] let go of his hand, making him rest in her lap. Spencer refused to pull it away, if she would start talking, he wanted her to know that he was still there. He had, by now, enough pieces of the puzzle, showing him a dark picture of her past. A reason, why she tried to be high so often.

 Reality was a sharp knife and its cuts couldn’t hurt so bad, when you numb yourself.

 “My father was always hitting my mom, but when she then took off, there was only me and him. He forced me into the mold of the perfect, religious daughter and when I wasn’t as obedient as he would´ve liked, he´d make me read the bible for hours and beat me senseless.”, she started gesturing to her stomach and chest area. “Of course only hitting me in places, nobody would see the bruises. When I was fifteen, I got caught trying to smoke for the first time, by a teacher. As they notified my father, he locked me into the dark broom closet for a week. Out of spite, I then started smoking regularly and met a boy through it, Daniel.”

 Spencer watched [y/n]´s face light up for a second. She looked like JJ or Rossi, when they were talking about Will and Krystall. Like he probably did, when he was thinking about Maeve.

 “He went to the same school as I and his abusive parents were addicts, like my mom had been. We kinda bonded over that and would sneak out at night, spending hours together, talking about the stupidest things. Thinking we were so deep and intellectual. He, at one point, started stealing his parents weed, so we could get high together. Made getting beaten easier. The time with Daniel was the first and last time I ever felt those butterflies. You know? This childish feeling of love?”

 She smiled at him as he nodded, remembering those butterflies too, but then the smile darkened and she took Spencer’s hand again. As if to try and hold onto him, shielding herself from the dark memories creeping up.

 “I got pregnant with sixteen. A shame. I managed to hide it for a few weeks and Daniel and I came up with the childish idea of running away together. We thought, we could just get jobs somewhere else, buy a home and become a family…Like foolish kids.”, her self-degrading laugh broke Spencer’s heart, as she tried swallowing her tears.

“And it didn’t work.”, he whispered and she only laughed, voice dripping in sarcasm. “Of course it didn’t. A woman from church had overheard us talking and the rumor of me being pregnant was already out there, since I threw up so often at school. So she thought she would help me, if she told my father.”, Spencer squeezed her hand a little. “You wanna know what he did?”, he shook his head.

 “What?”

“He waited for us to meet at night. As I crawled out of the window, he stormed outside with his shotgun and confronted us. After I admitted to being pregnant he hit me, making Daniel step between us and start fighting with my dad to protect me and the baby…and my dad- he-…he then just shot him. In-…In cold blood, just pulled the fucking trigger.”, [y/n] voice was filled with disbelieve. Like she still wasn’t able to believe what she had seen.

 “My father then grabbed me by the hair and tried getting me to go back into the house. I, obviously shocked about him just shooting my boyfriend, refused to and so he started beating and kicking me, till I stopped fighting back…Needless to say, I lost the baby after that.”

 As a few tear ran down her face, she let go of Spencer´s hand and wiped them away. Letting a cynical laugh follow.

 “That’s not even the best part of the story. Nothing happened.”, Spencer looked at her frowning.

“What do you mean with ‘Noting happened’. He shoot a teenager. Weren’t there any repercussions?”, she shook her head.

“No. Because he told the police, that he came outside to me screaming, because Daniel was beating me. Angry at me, for being pregnant. He stated that he just did what he had to do, to protect me.”, he shook his head in disbelieve.

“Weren’t you questioned? Didn’t you tell them what really happened?”

“I would try telling, but nobody believed it. Because the reverend, a pillar of our community, would never do such thing. They thought I was just lashing out and framing my father, because I was high and angry at him for shooting my boyfriend...Daniel´s parents didn’t even care, too high to get what had happened. After that, I wasn’t allowed to go to school anymore, in fact, I wasn’t allowed to do anything anymore. My father taught me at home and every Sunday I was allowed to go to church and pray to have my sins being forgiven.”

 Spencer nodded at the amount of information she had just given him.

He felt bad for her, started to understand her, started to hate her father and the cruel injustice she, Daniel and the baby had suffered.

Why had they only once, tried to get her into therapy?

The amount of suffered trauma had to end in a situation like this, left untreated.

It was eating her alive, suffocating her, and everybody who saw it, just slapped the ‘She´s gonna be okay’-Band-Aid on this gashing wound, moving on with their own life´s, while she was losing the battle inside her head. He got up and sat on the bed next to her, she scooted a little, giving him some room to lean back too. As he lifted an arm, [y/n] rested her head on his chest.

 “Then how did you get…viral…?”, he looked at him and the confused spoken word, smiling.

“You know about that?”

“Luke.”, he answered and she nodded. “I wasn’t allowed to have a phone, but I was allowed to use our computer once a week for an hour. I would record myself singing and playing guitar on our shitty webcam and started uploading it, not thinking anybody would ever see it. With eighteen I got in contact with this guy, he said he was in the midst of establishing his own record label and he would love to pay my flight to LA, taking me under contract. I accepted and just ran as fast as I could, before my father could get me.”

 [y/n] again laughed cynical. Seemingly a coping mechanism of hers, to play down the pain and severity of things and situations.

 “When I arrived, he then offered me to stay with him, if I´d be…you know…nice to him. He earned a shit ton of money with my music, while I got nothing…But everything was better than going back home again.”, she sat up a little, so she could look at Spencer, again with that sparkle in her eyes.

 “At one point, when I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, I had to work at a pizza restaurant to afford rent. There I met Leroy, Tom and Hank at the Open-Mic-Night. I told them a little about what was going on and Hank sued that guys ass. He didn’t want anything in return…just happy to help me. If you think Hank is scary now, you would have shit yourself, seeing him in court!”

 Both chuckled. Spencer could, thankfully, only imagine how terrifying the fifty year old biker could get.

 “After winning the case I asked them if they were interested in becoming a band and we made some demo tracks with the money I had gotten. The label took us under contract and introduced us to Philip, who became our manager.”

 “But you weren’t into anything but marijuana. How did we end up here?”, she sighed.

 “The label has a lot of expectations surrounding me. One of them was for me, to go out and be publicly seen with their other artists, for the image. They were taking a lot of stuff and I always said no, sticking to weed. But somewhere along the line, I wanted to know how it felt. If my mom was right, for choosing it above me. And I think I get it now. Everything I told you before? My dad, my baby, Daniel? They´re gone. I´m able to standup for myself and not letting me being pushed into something I don’t want, like when that creep wanted me to whore myself out to him, just so I´d have a roof over my head. Life is just easier that way and thankfully shorter too.”, Spencer pulled her closer.

 “I like you like that.”, he almost whispered. “Depressed?”, [y/n] snickered and he chuckled, shaking his head. “Real.”

“Only fair. I´ve been a real bitch to you, the whole time.”, he shook his head again. “Not that bad.”, she hit his chest gently, while giggling. “Oh, please. I can handle it. Come on.”, he sighed playfully, admitting the truth. “Okay, yeah. You´ve been a bitch.”

 They laid there for a while, [y/n] seemingly thinking, before she talked again.

 “You´re gonna pass on babysitting duty for me now, I guess?”, she asked hesitant, making him chuckle.

“Nope. I´m gonna stay.”, [y/n] sat up and looked at him, like he had completely lost his mind.

“Why in the world, are you doing that to yourself?”, Spencer shrugged. “Savior complex.” “I´m not worth it.”, he shrugged again. “I know. But the sober girl inside you is. You know? The one that knows my name, speaks French with me while playing Mozart and puts a blanket over me when I fall asleep while reading.”

 Then she asked him something that hit too close to home. Revealing a reality he liked to ignore.

 “You can’t save everybody. You´re aware of that, right?”, he nodded as she laid back into bed, her head resting against his chest again. “But I can try.”, Spencer whispered against her ear.

“Would you mind just watching TV with me? Withdrawal headache´s a bitch.”

 Spencer grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. After many attempts of finding something interesting, [y/n] stopped him from switching the channels. They had come across an 80´s music special. Something with the name ‘Heartbeat’ by Don Johnson had just started playing. Although [y/n] didn’t move a lot, Spencer could tell she was excited. Moving her lips along the lyrics.

  “I don't care what you say

You can give it away

 Your money don't mean much to me.

I've been out on my own

Gonna got it alone now

 'Cause that's the way it's got to be.

Ev'rybody tells me how I can beat the odds for now.

Well I've been standing by the fire

But I just can't feel the heat.”

  “That’s a great song.”, Spencer shrugged, again not feeling too much connection to the music. But it did sound nice. At his shrugging she hit him a little and put on a badly played face of disbelieve and shock. “Show some respect for the classics!”, he laughed at her words. “Respect for the classics? You called Beethoven a deaf bitch.”, now [y/n] shrugged. “Touché.”, she giggled, laying her hand on her head as if to ease the pain.

  “Looking at me

It's easy to see

 You think you know just how I feel.

If you do to me wrong and it won't take me long

 Before my restless heart will heal.

I'm looking for a love

Love like mine”

  “That was good music back then.”, she whispered against his chest. “Heart break, real emotions…love that stuff.”

“Why don’t you play more of it then?”, Spencer asked, Luke in his mind telling him about their music just no longer trying to hit the feelings. [y/n] giggled a little. “I´m guessing…Luke told you?”, he nodded and she let out a sigh. “Remember when I told you about the label having expectations? Every song I make has to go through them first, before being released. At one point, I had nine songs, completely done and they only greenlit one of them. Told me the others ‘weren´t my style’, ‘not exactly my genre’ or ‘wouldn’t speak to my audience enough’. So I just stopped looking for the deeper emotions. Still love the music I make, but the feeling´s dead. My lyrics helped me coping at the beginning, but the restrictions the label set me, ended that.” “Why don’t you just write those songs again? It doesn’t matter if anybody hears them.”, he suggested to her chuckling in response.

  “They tell me it's so hard to find

But I can feel it in the rhythm of the heartbeat in the street.

 Heartbeat - I'm looking for a heartbeat”

  “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound, mon amour?”, Spencer looked at her for a second, flustered by the realness she let him see.

“Yes. For me it would.”, he told her, making her giggled. “I probably lost my ability for stronger emotions anyway. But thanks, Spencer.”

 His heart skipped a beat as she said his name.

  “Heartbeat - I'm looking for a heartbeat

Beating like mine.”

  As the door opened Spencer quickly jumped up, Emily looking at him with a lifted eyebrow.

 “Uhmm…Hello?”, she asked, more meant as a ‘What´s going on?’. Philip walked in right after her, not having seen the both of them more or less cuddling in the hospital bed.

“Oh no, it´s raining again.”, he sighed as he closed the window and stepped aside for the nurse, who took out the IV from [y/n]´s arm. “Okay. I got you released from hospital, [y/n]. I have the papers and ta-da.”, he handed her a white little paper bag. “Your pain medication and antibiotics for the arm.”

 “Thanks.”, she answered and passed it over to Spencer. “Ca-Can you…so I take them correctly?”, he looked at her confused.

 “You sure?”, she nodded and Spencer smiled at her. Baby steps. “Of course.”

“I thought Dr. Reid would stop his bodyguard duty, now that you´re going to stay with me?”, [y/n] shrugged.

“I- I don’t know.” “You know, I can protect you too.”, Philip insured her. “Yeah…but I would feel safer with my guard dog around.”, she looked at the tall man. “Only if you´d be okay with that, Spencer.”

“More than okay.”, Spencer smiled at her, making her smile back.

“O-Okay, that´s fine. That´s gonna be fine. Dr. Reid can sleep in my office. Now get dressed, so we can pack your stuff at home.”

 Philip handed [y/n] her black duffle bag, Spencer had put on the floor next to her bed. She opened it and pulling out some jeans and a black sweater. When she tried to get up she was a shaky on her legs, but managed to go to the bathroom. Spencer stayed close to her, being able to catch her in case she´d fall. When she closed the door behind her, he looked at Philip and Emily.

 “How many paparazzies are out there?”, he asked and Emily held her breath, shortly thinking.

“Too many. Just checked before coming in. You guys better think of a plan, if you don’t want [y/n] to be seen by them and become five o'clock news.”, both men nodded and then looked at each other.

“Okay…so, Philip? Where do you park?”, Spencer asked. “Outside, visitors.”, he nodded and looked to his friend.

“Me too. Emily, you?”

“Car park.”, she answered and Spencer handed her his key.

“Okay. We trade. I take [y/n] home in Emily´s SUV. Emily takes [y/n]´s car and you, Philip, you just drive to the mansion. Maybe we can make them think she´s still in medical care, that way.”, all of them nodded to each other, not really knowing what more there was to tell. Not knowing if the plan would even work.

 *****

 When [y/n] looked in the mirror, in the tiny bathroom of her hospital room, after washing her face, she felt okay. Horrible, but okay.

 Feeling kind of stupid, having given Spencer her medication. It had felt right. But she didn’t know why. Did she want to make him happy? Well, he certainly was. But honestly? Nobody just stops being addicted for one person. Having your addiction tendencies being bound and under control solely for another person than yourself probably never works in the long term.

She knew she would have to stop for herself and that just wasn’t worth it.

She just wasn’t worth it.

Spencer would leave again, he was just another person in her life that would vanish, never to be heard from again. Her life would move on, just like it did now and that was it. It was okay like that. There wasn’t much to be expected anymore and she had made her peace with it. Having lost the will to try years ago.

 Somehow she had decided however, to enjoy the few moments she would still have with this man. A man she barely knew, but yet, felt so interest in. A man that either lived his best boomer life or just simply lived in a cave without Wi-Fi, giving his lack of knowledge by simple words like iconic and viral.

 Maybe it was his lack of interest in her Rockstar persona, that intrigued her. She had heard him and Philip outside of her room. Spencer had not given a single fuck, that her voice could´ve been ruined by having her stomach pumped, as long as she didn’t die. That was nice. Being more than an expensive voice. Being counted as a human.

 She wanted to know more about him, had given him her silver bullet, as a sign of trust. Now she wanted his or however much he was willing to give. Being high would ruin it, being high would maybe have her forget something. [y/n] knew she would still need to take the bare minimum of her drugs, so the withdrawal wouldn’t kill her, but for now she would like to be semi-clean. The headache and the freezing being acceptable.

 She had put on her fresh clothes, liking that they didn’t smell like cigarettes, wondering why she even smoked, when everything just started to reek and ruin the nice smell of her lavender perfume. Was it still out of spite, because her father didn’t like it?

Maybe she would quit…on the other hand…maybe just reduce them a little. For now, she didn’t have any, anyways. She would probably need some chewing gum.

 When she walked out of the bathroom Spencer smiled at her, stepping closer and his hands cupping her face.

 “Hey. You okay? You´re a little pale.”, she quickly nodded, her heart beating as fast as it always did shortly before a concert.

“Yeah, just not wearing any makeup, so…”, he shook his head, thumb stroking her cheek.

“Uh-uh. You weren’t pale like that before. You feeling sick?”, actually yes, she did.

“A little.”

“We´re gonna get you something to eat later and then you should take a nap. Philip is going to drive in his car and we´ll meet him at your house. Emily already left.”, [y/n] nodded, quickly stepping away from Spencer. She hadn’t even noticed Philip still being there, while he smiled at them.

“I´m gonna leave now and you guys just go to the garage and wait a few minutes. When something happens you call me, okay [y/n]?”, she nodded, Spencer taking her duffle bag as Philip hugged her and then left.

 She and Spencer went to the car park, her having the hood from her sweater pulled into her face, hoping nobody would recognize her. The last thing she wanted was a media scandal, so shortly after the her teen-pregnancy was brought to light. People talking about the ‘out of control’-Rockstar almost dying due to an overdose. Not that they were completely wrong, but still. She hated when strangers acted like they knew her, only because they read one of those crappy articles.

 When they got into the car Spencer turned on the seat heating, without saying a word, only smiling at her. Why was he so nice? Was it his savior complex or did he just have a great personality?

 Driving to her mansion in silence, they were met with an array of paparazzies in front of it. Spencer parked across the street. [y/n] quickly fixed her hair, should they notice her and start making photos.

 “Tinted windows, they don’t see you.”, he told her, making her relax.

 For a second she thought about how much she hated this. The flashes of the cameras pointed into her face, only inches away from it. Asking her inappropriate question, because fame cancelled out the right of privacy. They were always waiting for her to do something, to be put on a blast for.

 Maybe she could just, a little longer, be a no one. Like she seemed to be, alone with Spencer.

With Philip, she never had even five minutes to herself. Yes he was nice, but he was so in-your-face sometimes. Smothering her with care.

 “Spencer?” “Hm?”, he turned to her. “Would it be okay, to just go undercover?”, Spencer raised his eyebrows. “Undercover?”, her cheeks flushed a little.

“Yeah…get a hotel room and some junk food maybe…” “What about Philip?”

“I´ll text him…I- I´d just like to be alone.”, he nodded at her words, already starting the car again. “Oh, sure. I get that.” “Alone with you.”, was that sentence too bold? “I know. Already thought so.”, he put a hand on her thigh, gently squeezing it. She smiled at this gentle gesture. “Any hotel okay?”, he asked her, as she laid her hands on his, wanting to make sure it stayed there. “Sure. But you´ll need to get the room. I tend to attract attention.” “Really?”, he asked in a playful voice, as he pulled into the main street. “Yeah, apparently I look like this one singer from a rock band.”, she answered, giggling, even though it killed her head. “Huh, weird. Wouldn’t have noticed.”, he almost whispered, seeming to have noticed it.

“Maybe we should get me some nicotine patches too.”, she smiled, making him look at her surprised.

“Stopped smoking?” “Yeah, thought I´d try it. Maybe you can smell my perfume better like that. Lavender.”, Spencer chuckled. “Sexy. Kissing a smoker only seems good in the movies.” “You know movies?”, she said, playfully mocking him. “Russian and black-and-white ones.”

“You´re a little nerd, huh?

“Hope that’s not a deal breaker?”, she looked at his little worried, almost insecure look.

 Yes, the junkie who just ruined his night, by having a mental breakdown, would think a nice, smart guy that liked watching ‘Dr. Who’ was a dealbreaker.

“It´s actually kinda cute.”, he let out an adorable giggle and for a second she could feel her heart skip a beat.

 *****

 Spencer had gotten them a hotel room in a small hotel with individual, private entrances. Definitely not as classy as [y/n] was used to, but private enough, not to be seen. Before, he had bought her nicotine patches and gum and they had gotten some pizzas.

 Now her arm was plasters with some of the patches and they sat on the bed, eating pizza and watching ‘10 things I hate about you’, making him see just how quirky [y/n] could be. Singing along to every song, telling him how much she loved watching it, secretly at a friend’s home, as a teen; giggling like crazy when something funny happened and gushing over things she thought to be romantic. Spencer had given her her medication and the withdrawal, at least in the moment, seemed to be manageable.

 After the movie she had insisted on him picking something, making him extremely nervous. He didn’t think that any of his picks would have her enjoy the next two hours, but she didn’t let him say no. So he put in an old black and white movie called ‘La Dolce Vita’, about a week in the life of a philandering tabloid journalist living in Rome. He laid down in bed and signaled [y/n] to come closer. She had quickly cuddled up beside him, seemingly touch starved by the way she held him close. A very familiar feeling for Spencer.

 After he had begun stroking her hair, she had fallen asleep faster, then he had fallen for her.

 Seeming to like every side of her, every part, no matter how damaged or ugly. Spencer had pulled the sleeping girl a little closer, gently kissing the top of her head and smiling to himself. What he had smelled two days ago, had been lavender. He drifted of as well, only waking up half an hour later, when the credits woke him.

Turning the TV off, before laying close to [y/n] again, now spooning up behind her, face buried in the crook of her neck, arms wrapped tightly around her.

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To be continued...

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Give me your feedback [also anonymous!]

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[tigerdrop]

dogboy gordon rutting against benreys leg in the same way that benrey did it in the reverse. benrey encouraging him and also making fun of him in the same breath. yummy brain thoughts. i am rotating this

jesus christ i started thinking about dogboy gordon and have not stopped thinking. theres 7k words of dogboy stuff under here im going insane

how in the. help. Help. dog boy. how does he become dogboy. i cant keep giving these idiots potions but i guess thats what ive been reduced to

gman turns him into a dog boy. walks thru a portal and comes out in nintendogs but hes the dog and when he comes back out again hes still a little bit dogy. this is fucking stupid

THE TAIL WAGGING im going to pass away

> i think he would have such fucking issues with the fact that his tail and ears are expressing his emotions so much

trying to act angry towards benrey but hes given away by his tail wagging like crazy......and he never even knows its happening until somebody points it out

it would be cool if. um. he got a little more into roughhousing and rough play afterward. you know. like a . hes already really handsy......physical. . .. .

> okay like the anger turning into somewhat-serious jostling and pushing which turns into roughhousing

its not even horny at first it just gives him the weirdest fucking endorphins. like. its fucking fun man

> and by the time theyre roughhousing his tail is wagging furiously and like thumping on the floor when he gets pinned haha

> YES its about the exhilaration ......he gets this rush from flipping benrey over after he's pinning him, baring his teeth triumphantly

benrey pinning him by his wrists and half-laughing at him like "what the fuck is wrong with you??" and the rest of the science team chimes in like YEAH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS WHAT WAS THAT

> gordon comes back to himself and turns red immediately and splutters like "i dont know! what - im just - benrey started it!” so like he refuses to do it again but then benrey pushes his buttons and he gets in his face, ears pinned back a bit and shoves him and benreys like oh...so its this again huh...

GOD......PUSHING HIS BUTTONS.......its sooo much fun now that gordons so physically reactive too

> what if he manages to get an honest to god growl out of gordon at one point and it makes something ugly twist in benrey's gut and he wants to make it happen again

and its probably really gratifying for him to see just how often gordons tail wags when gordon looks at him or snorts at one of his jokes

TWO SIDES

> the duality of their relationship....gordons tail wagging just a bit when hes looking at benrey though im

> im thinking about the growling though like...benrey gets fixated on how he fucking sounds, all deep and rumbly and this intensity just focused on benrey only....makes him think about how that would look in other contexts....

> benrey riling him up while their roughousing so he can feel that growl travel through his chest and like...getting gordon to that point makes him SO determined to win the "fight" over benrey hes almost a bit out of his mind with it......pins benrey and subconsciously ruts against him a bit as a sign of dominance....please stop me now goodbye....

NO LITERALLY THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE MOMENT I STARTED TYPING

prodding gordon further and further and riling him up until gordon pins him to the floor, hard, an arm jammed behind his back and his HEV suit jammed up against benreys ass and rutting subconsciously as gordon. h. gordon. clamps down on the back of his neck and growls

benrey sucks in a rattling gasp and is like "what? ow" in a weirdly shocked yet distanced way

he cant feel where gordons hard b/c of the HEV suit but he can feel the metal awkwardly bumping against his ass Like That. and inwardly benreys on a loop of "what the fuck what the fuck" but not in a bad way in the slightest. just utterly cannot believe this is whats happening, right now, gordon freeman dry humping his ass behind a bunch of crates, not 100 feet from the rest of the science team

> gordon snapping out of it and being like...what the fuck am i doing... or....maybe the gasp makes gordon bite down harder in response...not sure

> gordon not even realizing hes doing it until that moment is so great....i dont know but....maybe he lets go and pushes off benrey, panting and wild eyed, and the image of benrey on his stomach, his bite mark in his neck, is burned into his brain

> he just doesnt say fucking anything and just dips to get jacked off by the suit maybe.... cant stop thinking about how it felt to see benrey with his teeth marks....hates himself for feeling that sick satisfaction in his chest

benrey......touching the back of his neck afterwrds, kind of dream-like, both consciously and subconsciously.......

i like making gordon freeman suffer so i want him to just angrily try to rut against his arm in private later trying desperately to get off thru this stupid busted HEV suit that he cant get out of. pathetic. gordon freeman humping his own fucking arm in a bathroom stall. like a dog

and he thinks about how benrey smelled when he had his teeth clamped on the back of benreys neck, his nose buried right against benreys jaw and neck, smelling the sweat and the hormones and feeling benreys rapid heartbeat, and his whole fucking head throbs with how bad he wants to get off

> and he just cant get off....has to deal with going back the team tense and a bit sweaty and just move on when they ask what happened. benrey doesnt say anything just stares at him and gordon cant meet his eyes. gordon tries not to fucking let benrey get under his skin cause i think hes probably mad upset and embarassed that he reverted to his like,,,more base instincts because of BENREY of all people.....

> but he still thinks about it sometimes and....he tries to distance himself from him but hes still a pretty touchy guy and he find himself around benrey still....laughing at his jokes and getting in his space once in a while. always pulls himself away when he notices but not before he takes in a deep breath of benrey's scent...

> meanwhile benreys trying to think of how to make gordon do that shit again LOL

ohmy god. oh my god.....before this.....before he tries to stop getting in benreys business and before he even recognizes what hes doing.......he like.....hes so touchy feely that he subconsciously tries to mark benrey a lot. like just doing everything in his power to rub the inside of his wrists somewhere on him. even if its barely gonna do anything b/c of the suit. its just instinct

> NOW HE ...now he realizes that he was doing that the whole time..jesus,...

> AUGH....in the buildup before this he didnt realize that he was doing it........but now he realizes he fucking misses doing that shit and kind of berates himself for doing it in the first place....like what the fuck....be Normal gordon...you cant want to fuck him....do you..?

i want him to. grrgohg i dont even know how or why this would happen but i want gordon freeman to lie supine on the ground with his hands up like paws like hes a big pupy looking for tummy rubs OKAY! BYE. I HAVE TO GO. im going to fucking sob why am i like this why is this the cutest possible thing for a man to do. i cant even think of a fucking reason why he would do this so im so fucking embarrassed

i want to fucking. i want to rub his fucking tumy and make him pop a boner from it im literally so sick of this earth

> i was literally Just typing: i just think it would be cool . To pet his tummy and keep telling him "good boy" in a Certain kind of Tone that just totally fucks him up about it . maybe flushed and tongue starting to wanna hang out of his mouth as he goes from laying flat on his back to kinda twisted to one side, breathing heavy, tail thumping hard against the floor cause hes a big dog so that thing is like a lethal weapon

> petting the fuzzy lower belly while hes already hard & needy just to make him whine Very high pitched and desperate-sounding bc its so close to what he wants but that just makes it worse 8)

> What if. Benrey pinning Gordon, maybe scritches behind his ear, as a "joke", he's a dog haha good boy wants ear scritches?? And Gordon immediately squirming and whining. Maybe even kicking his leg just a little bit

> i think it would be cool for a post-black mesa puby gordon pinned benrey to the floor with his whole body weight and humped the life out of benrey's leg while panting and drooling in benrey's ear. a total lack of regard for benrey, (of course he's into it tho) just using him like an object that's conveniently there for him to furiously get off on

> i'm thinking.... this happening after a period of prolonged teasing, like you said. rubbing his tummy and ignoring his dick

> Man ok combined with the suit edging huh? I love that, but i also kinda want gordon to sneak off to get off and discover his uh. k. kn. knot

> he sneaks off and if in this situation he can.  idk. get at his dick in a bathroom or whatever. and well, he gets caught up so easily in his 'head empty' instincts mode that when he cums he's kneading that thang for like 2 minutes before he even becomes cognizant enough to notice. and then immediately panic. so idk maybe he cant get at himself for a while, right, so he didnt notice this

> i just think gordon being in the suit would not let him get at his dick and he would only be able to get off in really convoluted ways so like...he wouldnt fucking Know he had a knot he would just feel a weird pressure at the base that he doesnt know what its about. but he starts getting these fantasies of holding benrey down and staying in him when he comes and he doesnt know where the hell thats coming from.....yet. until after everything is over and he can get out of it, and the first time he jacks off again he realizes HOLY FUCK? like what the hell....but it makes sense in retrospect where those fantasies came from. but hes just super embarassed about those fantasies and pushes them down until benrey comes back into his life and activates him again

> in addition to embarassment i think he has a lot of complicated feelings about benrey and definitely feels a guilty about wanting to fuck him into the ground and fill him with cum....but GOD if benrey doesnt get to him just as much as he did in black mesa

> i think that something like this would be so unplanned and shit but like......theyve probably hung out a few times before this or more like maybe benrey has dropped into his house just to annoy him and gordon finds his ears pricking when he hears heavy footsteps around his house cause he recognizes them as benrey's...

> little rush of exhilaration maybe. cause it means they'll spend some time together and he has just all these emotions under his skin when they do. i dont know how this would happen but maybe gordon forgets to keep himself in check when benrey makes him laugh so hard he's snorting and his tail is wagging furiously.benrey tries to touch/catch his tail cause he's kinda curious about it and it never got to mess with it in black mesa. but it turns into roughhousing as gordon shoves him away a little bit but benrey keeps trying to get at it and then get at his ears

> "cmon man just let me touch them whats the big deal-" "NO!" but like hes still laughing a bit until they start really getting into it and he gets breathless and a little irritated at having to roll around and try to pin benrey's hands to the floor

hell on earth......the way his tails wagging and hes grinning and drooling a little once he gets benrey pinned.......

> little triumphant smile when he finally does.....got benrey on his stomach and he's subconsciously rutting against benrey's ass like in black mesa but hes just not noticing while he's berating benrey for losing

> talking right into his ear, and benrey lets out a little gasp when he does a particularly hard thrust and then hes like oh. fuck. he takes in a deep breath and can smell benrey's sweat and realizes hes just as horny about this as he is. cant help but bury his face in the back of his neck and lick. and benrey starts pushing back into him and talking the worst dirty talk and it makes him growl right against his neck and put his teeth there again as a warning not to move but benrey doesnt still, he just keeps talking. so gordon bites down, hard, cutting him off mid sentence with a yelp

f. fucking. benrey......arching his back into it.......pressing his hips up as high as theyll go......the angles bro.....the angles

> also: gordon popping boners more easily, even when he's just platonically excited w/ benrey..... yeah... :)

> like the thing about this is just that he got so excited from the wrasslin that he popped a boner....wasnt even thinking of horny.....

> not until benrey started gasping and arching back into him. then hes immediately aware of how this looks...like hes already basically in the position in his fantasies hes just rutting against him in the imitation of fucking

> gordon getting more frenzied by the little sounds benrey is making as he clamps down on his neck, drool dripping down his chin. benrey braces himself with one hand and gets the other to pull his pants down and then tug on the leg of gordon's down a bit because gordon is kind of. not thinking straight right now. gordon gets the message and fumbles with the buttons to get it down and like. haha i thinnk it would be fun if benrey prepped himself before this and gordon notices like. you really managed to prep urself this time? god, you really wanted this to happen. but maybe benrey had been doing it the last few times cause gordon would get in his space again sometimes and things were tense

NO GOD THIS IS GOOD. LIKE. oh my god gordon just like bitching at him and getting up in his face and Growling a couple times before while his pants are all tented from the inadvertent excitement boners that he doesnt even realize hes having.....and benrey might not be smart but hes not stupid

theres like a 50% chance theyre gonna fuck at any given time he realizes so like. why not......

even if it doesnt work out in the moment benrey still spends the whole time hopped up on the knowledge that they could have, that he was the little fucking pervert who got himself all prepped just in case gordon decided todays the day hes just gonna mount him, and honestly the way he beats his meat and fucks himself afterwards might be nearly as good as the real deal, just from that little bit of self-inflicted degradation

like u said...........he really wanted it to happen

> hhh.... maybe gordon ruts a bit against his ass and benrey guides him in and. he makes a deep growling rumble when he bottoms out. benrey feels it through his chest and gets a full body shiver as he's filled. i dont think hes fully developed his knot yet but its a tight fit. he starts fucking hard and fast into him while open mouthed panting, he cant keep his face away from the benrey's neck, licking up the sweat and burying his face there to breathe in his scent

the fucking . the desperation......every instinct in his body has been telling him to fuck benrey - yes, that benrey, fucking benrey - into the ground for......weeks now? months??

dudes probably tried everything he can think of to overcome it and to think about literally anything else when he gets off but nobody he fucks even comes close to smelling as good as benrey did when gordon had him pinned and gasping and sweating and he could smell the want rolling off him in waves.....and it sucks massive dick and he hates it

> hes been driven crazy by this thought for so long.....cant fucking control himself. wh. what if gordon managed to get a hold of a piece of benrey's clothes that he left and held it up to his face when he let himself jack off to this particular thought so he could get the scent but it jsut wasnt the same without his warm, panting body below him . he always nuts the hardest when he has it though

huffing benreys undershirt and desperately rutting into a pillow on his hands and knees with his ass fully up and hes just utterly debased right now

sad and pathetic gordon freeman humping his pillow like a dog and whining thinking about fucking benrey. if his past self could see himself like this right now he would be disgusted

> !!!!!!!!1 HIM GETTING INTO THE MOUNTING POSITION ON INSTINCT WHEN HE DOES IT...YOUR BRAIN ! i think that gordon would definitely give everything hes got to benrey when he finally gets to fuck him.

> now that hes actually doing it he's just out of his goddamn mind. benrey already being ready for him, slick and hot, just letting him push in .....i think he would definitely go insane

dudes never fucked so hard or so mindlessly in his life......for once all the neuroses just fly out the window. overcome by instinct

> letting out all these whines and moans, not even caring for how loud hes being... benrey's wanted this so fucking bad hes just eating it up, pushing back on him like an animal and getting a power trip that he made gordon this unhinged

thinking about him just being utterly shocked when benrey guides him in and he can just bury himself all the way to the hilt so easily and it makes something in his brain snap

> gordon doesnt even tell benrey when hes close, benrey can just start to feel his knot swell inside him and how it stretches him a bit past what he prepared for...but he wants it in him so fucking bad, he just lets gordon keep fucking into him

like. oh my god. does benrey even know about the knot or is this a brand new and fun surprise for him

> I DONT KNOW......I JUST REALLY LIKE THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING A BIT CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY IT....

> being caught off guard by it but being so turned on by the feeling of it filling him that he lets out this really high, needy sound. which goes straight to gordon's dick and he just pushes into him harder and jolts his whole body with it. maybe he h....he bites down on the other side of his neck again and thrusts in one more time before coming deep in him. just shuddering from it, eyes squeezed shut and jaw locked around benrey

benrey just fuckin. face down ass up and arching his back as high as he can

(mumbling very quietly) it might be cool also if. gordon maybe.....started growling some things as he got close. a certain something. a word

you know......just......bent over benreys back......arms wrapped around benreys chest and fingers digging into the soft flesh (maybe even his titties, if youre feeling spicy).......pistoning his hips in staccato bursts while he growls.........u bh hhhhh......"mine". over and over not even realizing hes doing it b/c his brain is so fogged out on the sheer delight of rawing benrey after having thought about it non-stop

(mumbling so quietly im speaking at a pitch below the human hearing threshold) benrey hoarsely saying "'m yours, 'm yours" while hes got one hand jammed underneath himself to tug at his dick is the thing that sets gordon off and makes him come, perhaps. perhaps

and gordon just.....slumps over him, leaning his full body weight on him, panting weakly into his ear while his hips subconsciously rut just a little bit, arms still wrapped around benrey but otherwise as useless as a bump on a log while benreys jerking himself off to the wild new feeling of having that knot stretch him open and tug at him every time gordon shifts his hips

gordon nuts and becomes utterly useless but at least his knots still fat as hell so benreys still got something to work with

(sobbing) i just want to see men acting like animals leave me olone..... its about the submission to instinct......the degradation and dehumanization......and also the scent kink its all about the fucking scent kink. its about wanting to huff a guy you pretend you hate like hes a fucking magic marker and its about wanting to make him smell like u

> for scent kink, Gordon's boners due to sweaty benrey hehehehe. this is narsty -> Benrey is like "yeesh that was a lot of exertion" after their first almost-sex wrasslin match, and gets embarassed, so next time he like, wears a bunch of old spice.... but gordon doesn't get as excited. like yeah he can feel him against his back and yeah he's not soft but.. he's not panting or as hard. benrey thinks real hard when he gets home

> CLEAN SWEAT OK ITS A COMBATIBILITY THING OK. IT IS. LOOK UP THE SCIENCE OK I ...walks away. clown shoez

YOU ARE SO FUCKING CORRECT THANK U

> Maybe next time He doesn't bother with the old spice at all, and he gets real into the wrasslin... hell maybe he even uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gets gordon's head under his arm im just saying

I DIDNT WANNA BE THE ONE TO SAY IT BUT NO YEAH THATS COOL. ITS A VERY COOL THOUGHT

think about......dogboy gordon roughhousing and getting pinned down himself and snapping his teeth up at benrey like joking but not joking. you know

they both start just getting really into roughhousing b/c sometimes gordons brain gets Stressed The Fuck Out by all the added stimulation to the senses of being pupy......theres too many sounds and smells sometimes and it makes him even more neurotic and makes him start acting up and getting irritable and trying to start shit until he exerts himself enough to tire his brain out and make it shut up

maybe even like.....in the interim after black mesa but before he runs into benrey again, gordon becomes a fucking hot mess b/c he doesnt know how to deal with it all and the only way he got thru black mesa without his brainstem snapping in half was b/c he and benrey would start shit and start fighting and wrestling and the rest of the science team eventually shrugged and accepted this as a (very weird) part of their life now. he looks like hes one minor inconvenience away from a panic attack and its so sad

any kind of physical exercise would help (he takes up jogging when hes feeling stressed out, which is a lot, and hes gotten some really nice legs by this point) but theres just something different about the roughhousing. its a mental exercise as well as a physical one, so it exhausts his brain more, and unbeknownst to him, he just gets fucking endorphins from the way benrey smells and from being able to mark him with all the up-close physical contact theyre getting. so. hence the wrestling and roughhousing and gordons occasional tendency to just pounce the guy in public and start fighting him with his tail wagging and thumping like crazy

it might be even better if gordon attempts to roughhouse with just about the whole science crew at some point, just for a point of comparison

like.....its usually good, its satisfying, and it wears him out and lets him function like a human being......but theres just something about roughhousing with benrey thats really satisfying and he doesnt have the emotional intelligence to figure out what it is

gordon freeman is an idiot, is what im saying

> tommy indulges him and probably lets him win a few times, coomer soundly wins out every time and bubby probably...loses some before getting pissy LOL. i think that its fun for him to get the most Good Feelings out of roughhousing with benrey.....

AUUUUGHHH WHAT IF HE LICKED BENREYS FACE THO

g gbfbhhh god im obsessed with the way benrey laughs at him and asks "what the fuck is wrong  with you?" in the act 3 commentary and thats the exact kind of vibe im feeling from him about like. everything gordon does in pupymode

> Okay, before I go to bed, I shall leave you with a Dog Thought™. Gordon probably wouldn’t be the “best trained” dog in the world because, well, he doesn’t have anyone to make him listen or obey. Heck, given his need to be in control, he probably thinks he’s the leader of the proverbial pack and nobody can tell him what to do. He’d probably slip and do quite a few “rude” and obnoxious dog things, including but not limited to being all over Benrey.

> Trying to goad him into roughhousing. Licking his face. Being in his space to the point that it even starts to make Benrey raise an eyebrow. Inappropriate marking and whatnot. [cough] And what if Benrey--in a weird reversal of the roles we usually give--is stuck with the task of… training Gordon… to behave…

> YOU KNOOOOW. Because pitting alpha dog Gordon against Benrey, who is trying to get him to be “good”...

> … Well, that could be interesting.

> Imagine if you will: Benrey realizing he needs to get Gordon under control. As much as he likes the attention, it's becoming too much. Relentless. Tables have been turned and now he's the one that's a little overwhelmed by the situation because, well, Gordon is running on pure instinct half the time. Making it hard to do things. Making it hard to live his life. Always in his bubble which was, like, fine at first but now he can't do anything without feeling a wet tongue on his face or having Gordon trying to goad him into rough housing.

> He needs so much attention. Has so much energy. It's too much.

> So, he decides he's going to try to "train" Gordon to not... do that. Benrey trying to assert dominance over Gordon, as if he were just a normal dog. Gordon, who has already marked Benrey and decided that Benrey belongs to him does not take to this very well. This is not how the chain of command works. This isn't how the chain of command works at all.

> Benrey, struggling to curb him through praise and admonitions--"good boy," "bad boy," tossing him ~treats~ if he does something right--is now facing off with Gordon, who is both enamored with the attention he's getting but utterly pissed off by the fact Benrey is trying to stop him from doing what he wants.

losing it at the tables being turned and now gordons the annoying fucker getting up in benreys business all the time and never leaving him alone. he deserves this

> They're basically both unmovable objects and unstoppable forces. Benrey is stubborn and isn't going to give up all his sweet PS3 time because Gordon won't stop humping his leg, and Gordon is not going to give up his God given right to make Benrey his property. But Benrey isn't completely averse to the idea of being Gordon's bitch. He just wants to be his bitch on his own terms.

> So, in a surprising show of... well, intelligence on Benrey's behalf, he starts redirecting Gordon's energy towards what HE wants Gordon to do.

> That's how you handle misbehaving dogs anyway. You redirect their energy. That's what all the books on dog training says anyway, and Benrey's inclined to believe it because he's read it in all two books on the subject he casually flipped through.

> So, when Gordon starts getting in his space, he starts redirecting him to touch where he wants touched. "Good boy." When Gordon starts getting a little rough, he purposefully positions himself so he gets the most out of it. "Good boy." When Gordon's licking his face, he starts trying to guide that tongue down to his neck. Feels better there. "Good boy."

> Because he's not a complete idiot. Him and Gordon both know this is sexually charged at this point. And Gordon... Gordon can bend his behaviors a little bit as he's being directed if he still gets to do what he wants (in a way), and Benrey still gets to be fondled by the nerd.

> "But part of the problem is that he is in Benrey's space all the time!" Yeah, but Benrey figured that out, too. You know what shuts up Gordon real fast? Pushing him back down on the other end of the couch and telling him to stay. And if he listens, he slowly, carefully hand feeds Gordon a treat as a reward. Pushing it into his mouth, making sure it goes all the way in. Letting Gordon lick the last bits of taste off of his fingers. He usually sits still after that. "Good boy."

i have a thought thats almost unrelated but im so desperate to give this scenario the proper context

thinking about......gordon getting out of black mesa and hes still dogboy.....and hes attempting to go back to life as normal now that benreys out of his hair for ever but one day his pupy nose catches That Fucking Smell on the air and he realizes that benreys not fucking dead. he thought benrey was fucking dead, b/c he killed him

gordon freeman losing his mind for a solid week or two trying to hunt that smell down (why?? to prove a point?? to try to kill benrey again??? uh huh.) and then when he does hunt benrey down, its like.....well, what was the plan, bud? you found him, and now youre having a staredown outside a 7/11 while benreys frozen halfway through his big gulp

i literally forgot what i was typing b/c dogy gordon tum y rub b gtfhgbb ggfabgbbg

and.....well......he doesnt know exactly what his game plan was, but he does know that benrey cant be trusted as far as u can throw him, and hes not about to let benrey wreak havoc on new mexico if he can help it, so now his new hobby is......tracking benrey across the city to keep an eye on him

and thats how they keep ending up in close proximity

and thats how u start looping in the whole role reversal thing.....suddenly gordons the one that benrey cant shake......hes a bloodhound and hes got the scent

SORRY im SORRY i crave context with the same ferocity that i crave, like, air

and then they start roughhousing when gordon tackles him to the ground one day to stop him from doing.....something......and gordon snaps being to being a normal person so quickly afterwards that its dizzying. turns out a solid 80% of what he really wanted was a sparring buddy

> good afternoon everyone this is not horny in the slightest but i just wanted to say- you know that thing dogs do where they get REALLY excited and playful when you come home from a long day at work? well i’m just thinking about. y’know how benrey has a tendency to just, vanish for a while and come back like nothing happened? think it’d be cute if he were gone for a particularly long stretch of time b4 catching up with the science team again and gordon RESPONDS in his typical annoyed, bratty fashion while his body language is saying something completely different (he still hasn’t mastered the art of puby)

> like, u know, tail wagging a hundred miles a minute, ears perked up and attentive, subconsciously getting all up in benrey’s space

Im going to Cry thats so fucking cute wtf wtf  wt ff

still going insane thinking about the “good boy” thing......like...... its all fun and games until hes grappling his best friend benrey and hes got benrey in a headlock and hes plastered against benreys back from head to toe and his tails thumping excitedly against the floor and hes panting hot and harsh right against benreys ear and benrey takes that moment, right there, to choke out "good boy"

its half outright horny and half power play b/c benreys banking that either theyre gonna fuck or gordons gonna let go and be like "what the fuck, man" and then benrey can get the drop on him again

the way gordon just goes stiff after he says it.....breath getting shaky.....dick twitching once against benreys ass and the guy can fucking feel it clear as day......Augh

his tail slows.....and then fires right back up again when he tentatively rocks his hips against benreys ass and feels the sound benrey makes more than he hears it......and like for fucks sake theyve been dancing around how horny their roughhousing sessions are for weeks, this guy deserves to finally get his rocks off by dry humping benreys ass while benreys getting spots in his vision from how tightly gordons got his arm wrapped around his neck. he deserves this

gordons free hand slowly opening up and pressing flat against benreys shirt, then crawling under it so that he can feel the bare skin of his stomach......rocking his hips against the dip between benreys cheeks and whimpering when benrey says it again, breathless and hoarse. "good boy." his tongue poking out to lick a broad, wet stripe up the side of benreys neck to taste the salt and sweat and the hormones, jesus christ, hes never been able to taste if somebodys horny before but its rolling off of him in waves.......and gordons breath comes out so loud and harsh and desperate when benreys leg lifts up a little bit for him to slot his own between them more easily

just mumbling stupid horny shit like "fuck benrey, you taste so good" while his tongue lolls out of his mouth and he licks the curve of benreys ear and rolls benrey onto his stomach b/c something in the back of his brain is whispering to him that it would be a really, really good idea, and hes originally got benrey just crushed flat against the floor with his full body weight but benrey takes a rattling breath and tells him to ease up, get up offa him.....

and gordons confused at this point b/c he was pretty sure this was where this was going, he was being a good boy, but that thought doesnt last very long b/c benreys shuffling into position under him, raising his hips and pushing gordons up with him while his face and torso are flat against the floor, and, Oh. hes. hes doing that. this is what theyre fucking doing now

> gordon taking the collar of benrey’s shirt in his mouth in an crude imitation of scruffing him

every fucking bone in gordons body is telling him to move his hips, fuck benrey stupid, bury himself to the hilt, but he cant do that when theyre both still clothed so he does the next best thing and ruts against benrey like he fucking means it and like if he just tries hard enough, gets enough friction, itll be just like fucking him for real......

hes so dizzied by looping thoughts of he wants this, he wants you to mount him, like youre a filthy fucking animal, arent you? you sick fuck, you wanna mark him and breed him and hed let you, hed beg you for it, look, hes doing it right now and when he comes back down to earth, yeah, benrey is begging right now, isnt he. while hes palming at the front of his sweatpants and whimpering and calling gordon a good boy, attempting to tug his pants down to his knees so gordon can rut against bare flesh, and gordon slows down just enough to let him do it and to fumble open his own zipper to ease some of the agonizing pressure

gordon fumbling his dick out of his underwear to line it up between benreys fat cheeks and god, the feeling of skin against skin is so much fucking better than chafing against his jeans that it makes him growl against benreys neck and benrey cant pump his fucking dick fast enough. hes so encouraging, what with all those little sounds hes making and the way hes arching his back and pressing his hips up as high as theyll go, groaning into the crook of his arm "fuckin, fuck me, bro, j-just like that"

> thinking...... they both get so lost in it, they both can’t hold back long enough to fuck for real. this is too hot, benrey feels something hot and wet on his ass and gordon is curling into him. benrey’s never felt so simultaneous turned on and frustrated that he’s still empty, he’s still gonna have to wait, snd ironically that denial pushes him over too

GOD yes fuckin. coming on his ass b/c gordons so frantic and desperate that he cant wait...... but seeing his cum all over benreys ass is deeply satisfying in its own way. he smears it deep into benreys skin to mark him like that

> oh hey imma be nasty sorry but Gordon all cum-high just sort of manouvering Benrey until he can start licking his cock clean bc he likes to uh. i mean benrey's all wet and you know. he likes it. and benrey comes from that, before he can even think about sucking him off properly

> he doesnt have a thought left in his head at the moment... and can u blame him? so he just uh follows he nose.......  and benrey's brain is deleted except for "GORDON FREEMAN ON MY DICK????????" bouncing around like a screensaver yes

> yeah he's not even trying to suck him off really, hes not gotten that far yet cuz hes so cumbrained, gone stupid, etc

im gonna be gross here too okay......and like. fucking. huffing and burying his nose into the crook of benreys thighs b/c he smells so intensely like sex and sweat and it makes gordon lightheaded

> YEAAH maybe he starts licking there before he gets up to his dick. it's not like he's dragging it out really so it's not long but benrey's gaping like a fish. he's trying to say something sorta but he can't get any words out and isn't even sure what he himself is trying to say

maybe he cant help himself and he just starts licking and biting on impulse b/c its your resident fuckin thigh guy here and i think benrey deserves to get em chomped like a drumstick

> and then that's gordon's tongue on his dick, bro and this neurotic mf looking so pleased and blissed out as he sloppily licks him all over is a sight he couldn't have even cooked up in his imagination before now

> benrey not coherently enough to warn him he’s like right there, his babbling incoherently at the tease of gordon’s nose and lips is gonna make him- and then his Tounge darts out and it’s over, the start of the end and he’s spurting all over gordon’s completely surprised face without even being jerked or licked through it

> maybe since gordon's been so stressed and keyed up for so long that benrey coming is a surprise but still doesn't shock him enough to clear the cumbrain, so he licks ben clean after that too, while he's twitching and whimpering etc

> think that benrey massive meat being useless and barely even touched is hip and rad even in the context of him technically being in the higher position of power

> then rests his head on beny's belly for a while, feeling very accomplished and tired. he'll panic later, don't worry

god im still thinking about. pillow humping/voyeurism

gordon freemans a bad fucking dog and sometimes he cant help himself and just starts rutting into a pillow with his ass up and his face buried in one of benreys undershirts while hes just panting and mumbling shit the whole time about benrey, benrey, benrey, why is he so fucking obsessed with benrey and with thinking about mounting him just like hes doing to his poor abused pillow every week

and. you know. maybe one day......benrey kind of.....catches him in the act. i think that would be cool. just coming home one day and cracking open his bedroom door and seeing gordon freeman on all fours, his teeth sunk deep into one pillow and another pillow between his thighs, desperately fucking it while hes groaning benreys name b/c he sure as shit was not expecting him back that early, which is why his cumbrain made him feel confident enough to crawl into benreys bed and roll around in it and mainline benreys scent from his clothes and nut on his pillow (and then feel fucking bad about it and frantically try to clean it off)

and benrey just slooowly steps back with his heart pounding out of his chest for possibly the first time in his whole life b/c he did not think gordon freeman ever wanted to fuck him, but here he is, using benreys pillow as an imitation of the real thing and jerking off in his bed

just turns right the fuck back around and goes into the bathroom and splashes some water on his face and stares down at his sudden boner

THANKS FOR READING ALL OF THIS B/C THIS ISNT EVEN GETTING INTO THE PISS STUFF THAT WEVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT. SORRY FOR BEING LIKE THIS

[skarsgard-daydreams]

Gravity Rides Everything

Description: For Mickey, survival was one thing. Recovery is another.

Warnings: angst, anxiety disorders, PTSD, references to sexual violence, references to drug use, references to gun violence, smoking, blood, sexual content, 18+

Note: This is a heavy piece that is set in an AU after the movie. The title is a reference to a song by Modest Mouse.

“I’m fine, baby.”

He had said it so many times that the words were worn and threadbare, no longer signifying meaning. Mickey sat on the couch in her apartment, his left knee bouncing with nervous energy as he brought a cigarette to his lips, ignoring the tremor in his hand as he took a long, slow drag. It was the one vice he would keep. A man couldn’t detox from all of his coping mechanisms at once.

She sat down beside him and folded the new jean jacket she’d bought for him to replace the old one after she couldn’t get the blood stains to lift from the denim. “Mickey,” she said, her voice gentle. “You’re safe.”

“I know, I know,” he said as though he didn’t believe the words. He covered his face with his tattooed hands and inhaled sharply, trying to regain control of himself.

“Come here.” She tugged on his arm, and when he didn’t move, she heaved his massive frame over to her, coaxing him to lay his head on her chest. He took a ragged breath as she grabbed the cigarette and set it in the ashtray beside the couch. She threaded her fingers in his overgrown hair, dragging her fingernails lightly over his scalp and down to the nape of his neck, where she let her hand rest, cradling his head. She thought he might try to protest again that he really was fine, that it didn’t affect him the way she thought it did, but his broad shoulders were shaking and he whimpered a little.

“Shh, baby,” she whispered, rubbing his back. “It’s over, okay?”

Ever since Mickey came home from rehab, the memories of their last score gripped him with a new ferocity—a side effect, she thought, of being unmedicated. She had argued with the condescending men in white coats until she wanted to scream that they had no idea what drug-seeking behavior really looked like. They had both lived it, falling down the rabbit hole of increasingly reckless decisions, chasing a high that always seemed out of reach. It looked like robbing convenience stores to pay off your dealer—not presenting to a doctor with a sixteen-year history of treatment for ADHD and anxiety disorders.

But she couldn’t say any of that out loud. They had been insanely lucky, not only because they survived, but because they hadn’t been caught. Mickey’s stint in rehab was the self-imposed intervention of a man who had outlived what should have killed him. The doctor finally agreed to a controlled-substance contract that required a drug screening before each refill and prescribed a dose of Adderall so low it would hardly have any effect on someone his size.

“I know,” Mickey said quietly. “I’m fine, babe. Don’t worry.”

But he wasn’t fine. She had first noticed it in the hospital, when he had started to hyperventilate because he thought the pneumatic compression cuffs wrapped around his calves were tying him down. She had tried to explain that they were there to prevent blood clots, but the nurse had to administer a sedative to prevent him from ripping out his IV and staggering outside to hotwire the first car he saw in the parking lot. Then, when they got home, he went for days without sleeping. She would wake up in the morning to find him still propped up in bed, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens as he fidgeted with the rings on his fingers, his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep.

“Stop lying to me,” she whispered. “Stop saying you’re fine when you’re not. It’s okay if you’re not fine.”

There was something he wasn’t telling her. She knew him well enough to see the signs—the way he looked away when she asked him questions, the way he would idly tap at one of his lower canine teeth with his fingernail and say nothing at all. Whenever she had asked him what happened while they were separated during their shared living nightmare, he glossed over the episode. She knew it had resulted in him getting shot, but nothing else. Mickey laid down and put his head in her lap. He counted his breaths, trying to stave off a panic attack. She scratched his head again and counted with him until he was almost breathing normally. And then he confessed to her, with his face hidden against her thighs, everything that had happened.

“Mickey,” she breathed, her voice thick with emotion as her fingers stilled in his hair. She wanted to go back in time and kill that woman for what she had tried to do to him.

“Don't cry, babe. Nothing actually happened,” he said as though all of it was rendered null by the fact that his quick thinking had prevented things from going further. He stared at the muted television, and they sat like that for hours until he fell asleep.

Even after that night, Mickey insisted it wasn’t affecting him. But when they tried to be physical he would feel a pressure building in his chest until he couldn’t breathe, and he would have to put his head between his knees until the attack had passed. The memories were tangled together in his head—lips smashing against his mouth, hands skittering over his crotch, bullets cracking in the air and ripping through his flesh. The sum of all that had happened could strike him down on a hair trigger and leave him reeling and helpless.

They were both starving for intimacy, desperate to find their way back to each other. She needed to ease him back into things, to remind him that he would always be safe with her, that she would never do anything without his permission, and that he could revoke it at any time.  

“I want you, Mickey,” she whispered one morning. Her ass was nestled in the spoon of his hips and she could feel his erection brushing against her while they lingered in bed, reluctant to move from the cozy warmth of the blankets stretched over them both.

He hummed in sleepy agreement and kissed her bare shoulder, tickling her skin with the bristly hair on his upper lip. She rolled over in his arms and looked into his green eyes, still heavy-lidded from slumber.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” she asked as he smoothed his hand over her hips and gave the swell of her ass a gentle squeeze.

A smile ghosted over Mickey’s face. “’Course it is,” he murmured.

She pressed her lips against his, kissing him with a tenderness that surprised him. He was fully awake now, and he slowly guided her on top of him as he deepened the kiss, savoring the sweet taste of the strawberry chapstick she always wore on her lips and the warmth of her tongue as it dipped into his mouth. There was something soothing about the way her hair cascaded around his face, blocking out the rest of the world so he could focus on her alone. He slipped his hands under her shirt and helped her peel it off, trailing his hands over her stomach to cup her breasts. She purred against his lips.

“Is it okay if I take off your sweatpants?”

Mickey nodded at her and caressed the curve of her breasts. The way she handled him so delicately felt strange, like they were teenagers back in his bedroom where he had been afraid to take off her jeans for the first time, only now the roles were reversed. He thought about how his old man would call him a pussy if he could see him now, so fragile that his girlfriend thought he would fall to pieces if she pulled down his pants without asking for permission. She freed him from his grey sweats and his boxers, tracing her fingers along the line of his hips and glancing back up at him for confirmation.

“Is it okay if I touch you, baby?” she asked.

“Yes, babe,” he said. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to be so careful, but he had a lump in his throat and doubted he could speak without his voice breaking. She prompted him with her soft voice to make sure he was still okay as she stroked him. He nodded, trying to focus on how good she was making him feel, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how she was so gentle with him, how she loved him so much even though he was broken. He felt a swell of emotion cresting in him and furrowed his brows, fighting the sudden urge to cry. She saw the look on his face and stilled her hand.

“Do you want me to stop?” she asked, worried she had triggered an episode without realizing it.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Mickey stammered. He covered his face with his hands to hide the tears leaking from his eyes, but his voice cracked as he spoke. “I want you, babe, I want you so fucking bad.”

“Me too, baby.”

She guided him inside her, and he groaned softly once he was sheathed in her warmth. He had missed this so much. A breathy gasp escaped her lips as she began to roll her hips, and he knew she had missed it too. She leaned forward and took his hands in hers, guiding them over her body him to remind him that he had permission to touch her as well. But all he wanted was to be closer, so he coaxed her down until he could feel the warmth of her body against his chest and swallowed hard as she kissed the tears from his cheeks.

“I love you so much, Mickey,” she whispered, letting her hair fall in a halo around them.

“I know,” he sobbed.

[herstoryherlegacy]

Expect the unexpected

(Trigger warning - lots of throw ups)

This has never really been my motto. Most things in my life have been expected or I’ve had signs pointed out to me that gives me a hint of what lies ahead. I was not expecting to be in the ER tonight. Actually I was just about to put my makeup on and do a lovely couples photoshoot with my husband when I got the call to come to the ER for possible blood clot in my lungs. Let me back up..

I had been healing from my port placement 3 days ago. Yesterday I was texting Juan updates on how I was feeling. I’m extremely thankful he was so diligent on checking in on me. My main concern was the tightness in my chest, pressure where the port is. I couldn’t take a deep breath. I felt better resting. I had even been doing light housework to stay up and active. Today he checked in again. The chest pressure was better. I could actually take a deep breath with little to no problem. Fast forward to this afternoon. I had went down to my best friend Sam’s salon to get my hair styled for my photoshoot. She��s on the 2nd floor and we took the stairs. My favorite part. I hadn’t exercised since my diagnosis and it’s been killing me. I was so active. Upon reaching the 2nd floor which was not far, I was winded. I text Juan letting him know, and he didn’t respond right away. I sat down, caught my breath, and got my hair done. As soon as I parked at home Juan called. He was consulting his doctor and advised I go in ASAP to an urgent care to be seen. I needed an x-ray, EKG, oxygen levels checked to rule out a possible blood clot in the lungs. Fuck me..

Disappointed to say the least. I walked into my home filled with laughter from my girls and their cousins, everyone gathered at the table for a meal, my in laws were visiting. All I could say was, we have to go to urgent care. I didn’t even kiss my babies goodbye 😕 I said goodbye to them but not thinking I wouldn’t be back tonight didn’t cross my mind. Now I wish I had. I arrived at a local urgent care before closing and the first thing I noticed in the lobby were vases of fake sunflowers. By pure coincidence, I use a sunflower background when I update my stories about my disease. I immediately knew this was God’s way of telling me he was with me and that I would be okay. I went into a room to be evaluated, and guess what kind of shoes the nurse was wearing? I’d never seen these before, but white vans with yellow sunflowers all over. There are no coincidences! However I wasn’t helped and was told to go to the ER.

No one likes to be in the ER, especially not right now. I had labs drawn, and an x-ray which showed proper placement of the port. Luckily Juan was here working and able to be there for my x-ray. He came to see me once more before he left to tell me he was going to communicate with the doctor about my CT and insulin complications. I had mentioned I was waiting for my husband to bring my charger because I was basically on E, and he graciously went to retrieve his charger to give to me. So extremely thankful for that gesture because alone, with no connection to my family in this place, is NOT the business. A charged phone is a precious lifeline so please always keep yours charged! So now..I wait for the CT.

I had been moved all over that ER. First I came to a bed and talked with a nurse. Then another nurse came in demanding she needed the bed. Once I was done I was booted off that bed so fast and into a chair in a hallway. The place was littered with sick people inside and outside rooms. It was so sad and crowded. I do believe I was mixed with both normal sick people and possible covid patients. To say I was nervous is an understatement. Back and forth I went between rooms, chairs, main waiting room, and scans. The longest wait was waiting to have my CT scan. I was in a room with chemo type reclining chairs. This poor girl in front of me was dealing with pain, bad. I felt so sorry for her. She was doing a good job being quiet but her face and body language looked like she was in active labor, though she was not. After watching I assumed she was suffering some sort of abdominal pain. When it was just us two, I didn’t want to make her talk, but I told her that I didn’t know what she was going through but that I was going to cover her in prayer. Her eyes lit up. She said thank you a bunch and I just assured her that I had her taken care of. I prayed with healing words. No matter what situation I’m in, I would never turn down the opportunity to put myself aside and pray for someone else who needed it more. I have failed this test before many times being too shy to pray, but you never know how those simple words of offering someone prayer may help them feel better. I wanted to cry, yeah I was in here for a possible life threatening issue, but I was nowhere as bad off as these people.

So I prayed for her, and eventually it was my turn to go to my CT. I had an IV put in, flushed, and had 3 medications to help me with my scan. One was Benadryl. I was actually glad to have it because I’ll be receiving it in my Pre-chemo cocktail and I wasn’t sure how I would feel on it. Yes it made me woozy immediately, but it was tolerable. Almost enjoyable in the correct setting. Waiting again, and was wheeled over by this super nice guy who eased the stress with good conversation. If you’ve ever done an MRI with contrast..it’s a fucking insane feeling. I laid down, the nurse flushed my IV and added the contrast. She loaded me in and waited a few minutes for it to kick in. I was in the machine for another few minutes and immediately when I was done I felt the warm rush. I’ve previously been warned it makes you feel really warm and almost like you’ve pee’d yourself. Thank god they reminded me because the warm sensation is explosive. It simultaneously felt like hot water was exploding from both my chest outward and my crotch 😂 indeed I clenched my body in case I did pee, but that’s exactly how it felt!!! So odd. Off to wait again for the results. This is where it for torturous. I am SO thankful for my AirPods and this charger. I have a very sensitive trigger to throwing up. Myself, other people, I can’t handle it. I actually did a good job this last week because both my girls got a virus, and I wasn’t second hand nauseous at all, that’s a victory. But in this ER literally 90% of the patients were vomiting 😑 I cranked those air pods to the max to drown out the sound. Closed my eyes. I don’t want what they got. So I’m in the big chair room again, my poor friend comes back in. Still in pain desperate for relief. Then another person, and another until the whole room was filled with us 5 people. 3/5 with vomiting 😕. Poor baby I prayed for got sick first, she was telling a nurse she was getting sick from the pain itself. Then the girl directly next to me. As she was getting her IV meds she started to get sick. It was a constant rush of nurses trying to get those sick bags in time..bless their quickness. I winced and turned to my left as to avoid being there. There wasn’t anywhere I could go where I wasn’t in the direct line of someone getting sick. I was miserable. Benadryl still kicking, I tried to nap, but had to keep my eyes open waiting for my name to be called. Eventually the time came, I was put in a draw chair outside the big chair room and my doctor read me the good news! I had my IV’s taken out and asked if they wanted me to go back into the big chair room (I don’t want to hog the draw chair in case someone needed it) and he said sure, just as I stood up the first poor girl started wrenching and I said “you know what I’ll stay here” and with a laugh the nurse walked back to their station and printed my discharge papers. I was R E L I E V E D. I was as calm in this situation as I needed to be, panicking and stressing weren’t going to help me. Easier said than done, to just not stress, but knowing how much trauma your body goes through WHEN you stress, it just wasn’t going to work in my favor. I came home famished, ate my dinner at 11:30pm, followed by a bag of popcorn, followed by a small serving of ice cream. Then my blood sugars sky rocketed all night 🙃 eh, not a good thing but I will hopefully have that very taken care of soon. Praise God nothing came out of this, each day has its own surprises, not all good, but also not all bad. The day started well with me sharing that my CT showed no cancer anywhere else in my body. This is EXTREMELY good news, and ended with me in the ER. You just never know how things will play out. So hug your kids, tell them you love them, do something fun. Enjoy the day given, because in a flash it could all be taken away ✌🏻

[medeafive]

Blood and Stone - 23

Masterpost

“Bruce, I- He’s not waking up.”

“Hm? Oh, sorry. Who?”

“Steve. I went over, just wanted to check because he has been asleep for so long, and- I think he’s not waking up anymore. Could you just take a look?”

“That sounds bad.”

She hears scrambling and a door falling shut and then she must have nodded off again because the next thing she hears is “Nat. Nat!” She pries her eyes open. Bruce is standing next to her bed, looking panicked. “Nat, I need the drip. And the bed. Quickly. Sorry.”

She blinks, slipping her feet out from under the blanket. Cold outside. “What’s going on?”

“He has sepsis, probably,” Bruce replies briefly, pulling the needle from her arm. “Sharon, get Sam, and Bobbi, tell her we need to do a white blood cell count, obtain blood cultures- sorry, Nat, you really need to get up.”

She has no idea what’s going on but Steve, who Bruce drags in on the stretcher, really looks bad and Sharon, before she disappears, looks very pale, so Natasha pushes herself up, even though her heart starts drumming. “Put something on it so it doesn’t bleed too much,” Bruce orders. “You’ll find something. Could you- no, just get out of the way.”

Oh, this is bad. She moves slowly to the cabinet with the bandages, holding onto things in order not to fall over. Bruce starts dragging machines towards the stretcher, one of them the ventilator. “What does that mean, sepsis?”

“Inflammation,” Bruce replies briefly, changing the needle on the IV drip. “Immune system goes into overdrive, then stops. Leads to organ failure, leads to death.”

She takes one of the bandages, presses it to her arm. She’s feeling dizzy. Shouldn’t have gotten up so fast. “Can I help?”

“You stay where you are,” Bruce rejects, pressing two fingers to Steve’s neck and checking his watch. “He has a fever, he’s breathing hard, his heart rate is up- did he seem confused?”

“Well, yeah,” Natasha replies, gripping the other table for stability. “Of course.”

Bruce gnaws on his lip. “Shit. It’s probably the lungs. Where’s the sphygmomanometer?”

She’s about to ask him what the fuck that is when James rushes in. “Are you okay? You’re bleeding.”

Of course he smelled that. “She’s okay, he’s dying,” Bruce returns. “Oh, there it is.”

Her head tumbles off her shoulders just then, or that’s what it feels like, but James catches her before she drops like a stone, narrowly avoiding the edge of the table. “Take her away, give her fluids and food,” Bruce’s voice says. “I can’t right now. Oh, did she hit her head?”

“She’s fine, just weak,” James replies, cradling her head. “Can I do anything for him?”

“If you have no idea, just get out,” Bruce returns. “God, I should have monitored him better.”

Someone else comes rushing in. She blinks until Bobbi’s frame slowly sharpens. “Fuck. Did you take blood already?”

“Blood pressure is low,” Bruce reports. “Help me move him to the bed first. One, two-”

“Are you okay?” James asks, caressing her cheek.

She blinks, still dizzy. “Think so.”

“I’ll take you upstairs,” James suggests. “Is it okay if I carry you?”

She nods quietly. Bruce and Bobbi have moved the body, Bobbi has a syringe- James picks her up. Sam comes through the door. “How bad is it?”

“Very bad,” Bruce states. “I think it’s the lungs, pneumonia, his breathing-”

She’s out of the door by then. All of this is surreal. James is moving slowly, carefully. “Is he really dying?” she whispers.

“I don’t know,” James replies, shifting her head so it rests against his shoulder. “But he smells really sick.”

  James puts her on the couch in the common area and the others slowly join there. She eats cornflakes and an apple and some sausages, despite not having any appetite. Sharon's crying quietly, Pepper stroking over her hair while Fury asks her questions about the vampire fledglings from their last patrol. Natasha dozes off again, James right arm around her. Tony went downstairs a while ago, trying to help, but came up empty-handed. Clint's staring into empty air.

It's tense and it takes hours. Natasha eats and drinks mechanically, like breathing, just her body keeping itself alive. "I thought he was getting better," Sharon whispers to herself.

"Rumors spread," James remarks to Fury. "Even if vampires don't necessarily like each other, there's still a sense of belonging. Schmidt will take advantage of that and declare war on specific cities or regions. All the vampires, young or not, sanctioned or not, know they can go there and bite and kill as many people as they want, without penalty, and they will. He did it in Moscow, he did it around Sarajevo and he tried it in Northern France."

"So there will be more," Fury states. "A steady flow of vampires into Prague."

Tony snorts. "Well, isn't that just what we need."

"But did he really declare war on us?" Pepper asks. "Is that what you heard?"

"I didn't hear anything," James replies bluntly. "If he sent me a message, I made sure not to receive it. But that's probably what he did, keep you busy and wear you down while he gathers black cloaks for the final strike."

Fury frowns, which is probably the height of his facial expressions. "Rumlow won't clean them up anymore?"

"It's an unspoken deal," James states. "They help take the city, they get to live. If you call this living."

Someone's coming up the stairs. Sharon spins quickly. "Is it- how is it- is he-"

"Not good," Bruce admits quietly, wiping his glasses on his shirt. "I'm afraid we're going to have to make a decision."

"What decision?" Fury asks.

Bobbi sits down heavily. "He's in very bad shape. We gave him antibiotics and fluids, put him on ventilation and tried to drain fluid from his lungs but- I'm afraid it's too late."

"We also gave him a blood transfusion, and vampire blood as well," Bruce adds. "200ml, what we gave Nat. But it's just not enough."

"What's the choice then?" Tony asks. "Turning him into a vampire?"

James' left fist contracts, metal clacking. "I don't want to bite him."

"We could give him a lot more vampire blood," Bruce explains. "His blood pressure is very low so he could easily take a few liters. Of course we have no idea what will happen, but I would say we try it. Bobbi disagrees."

Bobbi sighs, wringing her hands. "I just don't think we can save him. He's so weak already. Either it kills him or does nothing to stop him from dying, or it turns him into something completely unknown to us. And that's going to be a lot harder than losing him now."

"We three can't make that decision," Bruce remarks. "And so we thought… you two are the closest to family he has."

"Me?" James replies incredulously. "Sorry but I don't even remember anything about him. I can't decide over his life."

"Killing people is also deciding over their life," Clint remarks.

James hisses. "I don't kill people, I kill vampires. Most of the time."

Sharon groans, rubbing her swollen eyes. "I should have checked on him earlier. If we found him earlier-"

"We haven't been able to identify what he's infected with," Bobbi explains. "So even starting earlier might have been useless. And we should have all monitored him, that's not your responsibility, but there was just so much going on."

"We really don't know what will happen when we try the treatment, Bobbi is right," Bruce says. "Natasha can correct me but I don't think anyone ever got injected with so much vampire blood."

She shakes her head weakly. Somehow, she feels like this is all her fault. "If you give him the vampire blood," James asks, "would you still have enough for Natalia?"

Tony snorts. "Oh, don't worry about that. We could pump both of them full of it and still have leftovers."

Sharon's chewing on her nails. "So it's my decision."

"Sorry," Bruce replies. "I think we should, Bobbi thinks we shouldn't and Sam said you should decide."

"We're not sure this won't turn him into a vampire, right?" Clint questions. "Or some other monster. What do we do then? Hope we can reason with him? Kill him?"

"I can do that," James offers quietly. "If it comes to that. I wouldn't want to place that burden on any of you."

"James," Natasha interrupts, alarmed. "Don't do that."

"Maybe this doesn't make sense but-" Sharon sighs. "I can't believe he got all this way here, the crash, the ice, the- just to die now? There has to be a way."

"I thought we were going to give him a lot of vampire blood anyway, initially?" Tony adds. "What changed?"

"Natasha and I had something of a plan," Bruce admits. "She told me about experiments with vampire blood that I didn't know about, that went horribly wrong, and- if it had gone wrong, we would have taken him out and told you it just didn't work. Spare you the pain."

"You're all a bunch of self-sacrificial idiots," Fury hisses. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"It was Alexei," Natasha whispers. "Alexei went farther than anyone else, than anyone ever should, and- I burned the evidence, I killed him, I made sure nobody would ever find out and get the same ideas."

"Oh, you really killed him yourself?" Tony questions. "So you're even worse than what they say."

"He was building an army of mindless drones," Natasha hisses. "He was going absolutely insane. I couldn't make him listen anymore. So yes, I cut off his head, and then the fledglings tore him apart, covering it up. And I'd do it again."

"Where are the mindless drones coming from?" Fury asks calmly.

Natasha sighs, staring at the ceiling. "When you- when you inject dead people with vampire blood, they get up and move again. But they'll only do what you tell them. Whatever you tell them."

"Oh, like zombies," Tony remarks.

"Like brain dead," Bruce corrects him.

Natasha snorts. "Well, we had a lot of bodies. And enough vampire blood. And Alexei had enough desperation and broken morals to- it was the only way to stop him."

"So you had no problem tearing your boyfriend's head off," Clint remarks bitterly. "And now you think you can have a baby ?"

"That's not fair, Clint," Pepper admonishes. "I'm sure that wasn't easy for her."

It was too easy, though. That's the problem. "Hey, plenty of people who shouldn't have kids have them anyway," Tony interjects. "Like my dad. Or yours. If she thinks she can do it…"

"Guys," Fury interrupts. "There's someone literally dying in our basement, so get to the point."

"Is that the worst that could happen?" Sharon asks. "That he turns into a mindless drone?"

"He could turn into a vampire," Bobbi replies. "Or something like that. He could try to kill us."

"But maybe even that wouldn't be so bad?" Sharon insists. "Maybe it's from seeing Natasha's friend, or maybe I'm just hopelessly naive but- I just can't imagine Steve being anything other than Steve."

"I wasn't always like this," James mutters, tracing down Natasha's arm to the wound from the needle. "I don't remember much of the early years. It took decades until I had any semblance of control."

"Okay, but she's optimistic and she wants to try?" Tony asks. "Is that right, Sharon?"

Sharon bites her lips, swollen glassy eyes. "I- I can't give him up."

Bobbi sighs, slapping her hands on her thighs, straightening. "Then- I guess we'll just restrain him and try. Hope for the best."

"Should I come with you?" James asks.

"We'll have to prepare first," Bruce replies. "Wait here until we'll get you."

Sharon presses her face into her hands while they disappear down the stairs again. "Fuck."

"It's going to be alright," Pepper mutters, hugging her. "Either way."

"You're remarkably calm, for just having found out she beheaded her last boyfriend," Tony remarks.

"I killed the fledglings," James admits. "They told me they found him already dead. Nobody else knows. I assumed she had her reasons."

"So did I," Fury admits. "Or I would not have accepted her here."

"Well, you definitely earned your nickname," Tony decides. "And I guess turning him into a martyr was better than everyone finding out even he was losing his mind."

"Today is really great," Clint mutters. "We're gonna get overrun by vampires, we're doing crazy experiments with people who can't say no, and also Tasha personally murdered the biggest icon in the fight against vampires. Isn't that great."

  James has to go down eventually and from there on, it's even more of a nail biter but somehow, Natasha still manages to eat another bowl of cornflakes and to fall asleep. She should probably get another dose of vampire blood but she doesn't want to ask. Somehow, this is her fault. If she hadn't taken up all of their attention, they might have had more time for Steve-

She wakes up because someone’s moving. God, she must have slept forever. The lights are off and the shutters are closed. “Oh, you’re awake?” Pepper’s voice asks.

Natasha stirs. “Uh, I guess. What’s- anything new?”

“No,” Pepper replies. “We thought we’d go downstairs and check. Do you want to join?”

Natasha groans. She really should get up. “Yeah, just wait a second.”

“Just gonna throw in a quick look,” Sharon states nervously. “I don’t wanna disturb, or endanger anyone-”

She doesn’t want to know, and simultaneously has to find out. “Oh, I’ll help you up,” Pepper offers, coming closer. Natasha’s eyes are getting used to the dark. “There. Should I lend you an arm?”

“Thanks,” Natasha mutters, grunting as she pulls herself to her feet. “Oh fuck.”

“Maybe Bobbi should take a look at you later,” Pepper suggests, steadying her. “Take it slow.”

They make it down the stairs, Sharon ahead and turning around nervously because they’re so slow. But then they’re down there and Natasha leans against a wall while Pepper takes a deep breath and cracks the door open, Sharon right behind her, biting her nails. There’s voices inside but Natasha can’t really see or hear, so she just leans there, eyes closed. She can hear her heartbeat in her ears. Oh, maybe she should sit down. “Oh, hey,” Bobbi’s voice says. “Just wait, I’ll be out in a second.”

The door closes. “Was that…” Sharon starts.

“Yeah, right?” Pepper remarks. “Weird.”

Natasha pries her eyes open. “What?”

“It looks like-”

The door opens again. “Sorry, we were too busy and forgot we should update you," Bobbi says. "He's stable but not waking up."

"But it looked like he-" Pepper starts.

Bobbi giggles. "Oh yeah, he's super jacked now. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, he's not out of the woods yet- but I'm just exhausted and that was super weird."

"But what about the inflammation?" Sharon asks, worrying away at her lip. "The lungs? Is that better?"

"Slowly," Bobbi replies. "But his lactate went down and the fever as well, blood pressure is normalizing- basically, the symptoms subsiding. And his muscles are growing huge, which is unexpected, but whatever."

"And he hasn't attacked anyone?" Pepper asks. "Or, you know, grown fangs or anything?"

"Not yet," Bobbi admits. "I reserve judgment until he wakes up. And you should be prepared, even if he doesn't try to hurt anyone- he's probably not going to be the same. Physically, mentally, personality-wise."

"You think it was- right?" Sharon questions. "Trying it?"

"Let's say it doesn't look too bad," Bobbi admits. "But the jury's still out. And if you hadn't tried, you'd beat yourself up about that, too."

"Should we leave you to it, then?" Pepper asks. "Let you go back to work?"

"We're still trying to identify the microbes causing the infection," Bobbi agrees. "Less urgent now, but still. Uh, Natasha, your friend is still in there, I hope it's okay if we borrow him a little longer."

She nods. Not that she likes this, James thinking it doesn't matter if he kills another person, that it's less bad because he's already a monster- he's not a monster. But she needs Bobbi, Sam and Bruce to be safe and James can keep them safe.

"Well, Nat, you should keep eating and drinking, even more now without the IV," Bobbi recommends. "And then we'll do your check-up later, if that's okay."

"We'll look after her," Pepper assures her. "So you can focus on Steve."

"Thank you." Bobbi grins. "I'll let you know when he grows an eight-pack."

  Once again, she eats and drinks, and then she's tired again. This time, she uses the opportunity to sleep in her own bed again. It smells like James, the cold, less human one, the old book. It's been a while.

She wakes up countless hours later, and it's again dark outside. Normally, somebody would be out on patrol. She's not so sure now. But she feels- okay. Someone, either Pepper or Sharon, probably Pepper, left a sandwich on her nightstand while she was sleeping, plus a glass of water. Natasha's hungry. She swallows the sandwich and downs the water, feeling her heartbeat in her throat. It could be wrong but she thinks the baby's moving, though it's not kicking as hard as that one time.

She decides to go downstairs, where there turns out to be no one, then goes down to the basement, slowly cracking the door open and peeking in. Bruce is looking through the microscope, Bobbi is surveying the choice of drugs or antibiotics or whatever, Sam is just sitting there, arm splayed across a table, dozing. All of them look very tired. James smiles at her, standing a bit away from the patient. She slips in, closing the door behind her. "Is it okay if I stay here?"

"Hm?" Bruce looks up and boy, those circles under his eyes. "Oh, yeah, sure. Just stay over there."

She takes a chair and sits down next to James. The guy- Steve, he's nothing like before, now he's broad and muscled and- he doesn't look real, to be honest. There are black straps all over him, keeping him down on the bed. He doesn't move, though she can see his chest heaving and lowering. His face isn't swollen and red anymore, just- normal. His eyes are closed. "Do you think he's better?" she asks quietly.

"I think he's going to make it," James states, staring at the blonde man strapped to the bed. "But he smells nothing like anything I've ever smelled before."

That could be good or bad. She stares some more. He's really- he looks less like a man and more like a statue. "I really hope you don't have to kill him."

"I don't want to kill him," James admits. "Maybe I've been staring at his face for too long but- I don't remember him but I know that face. And I- I feel a certain way about him, even if I don't remember him. Like I have to protect him."

She smiles. "That's sweet."

He snorts. "Well, we'll see. Did you get some sleep?"

"A lot," she returns, brushing her fingers through her hair. "And I ate a lot and drank a lot. And now- now I just want to sit here and do nothing."

"Mhm." He shakes his head, still staring at the comatose body. "That's fine by me."

[neuro-whump]

Lost In Transit, Part 3

This is my entry to the Box Boy Extended Universe which was originally created by @sweetwhumpandhellacomf and written by @shameless-whumper and I’m using a lot of world-building which was done by @ashintheairlikesnow. Still somewhat vague on hospital procedure here, only semi-deliberately.

CN: Dehumanization, human trafficking, mass casualty events (referenced), dehydration, amnesia, mistaken identity, box boy universe, vomiting, bed-wetting, IVs

Part 2

Kenna was already having a bad second unsupervised day of work ever when she left their nameless patient to run his blood to the labs, and and do all the things that her regular assigned patients in the neuro ward still needed even when there was a all-hands-on-deck, honest-to-god mass casualty event filling the ER and flowing out into the hallways, failed to get the charge nurse to find an empty bed, and finally to go back to the ER, which was still overflowing - but maybe, finally, was beginning to overflow less - and managed to look in on him for just a moment before rushing off to take care of all the tasks and people who were more urgent than the scared, disoriented kid huddled in a corner behind a hastily erected curtain.

He didn’t seem better, and she made a note in his chart like she’d been taught and meant to find Joey or Dr. de Courcy and ask about it but Joey was up to her elbows in a code and she couldn’t even find Dr. de Courcy before the next set of ambulances arrived and then she was pulled into a trauma bay with a medical resident and neither of them knew where the burn dressings were and by the time she had time to check on or talk to anyone she had blood spattered on her scrubs and their mystery patient was doubled over being violently sick.

No one else really seemed to have noticed. He was out of the way without a call button and, compared to the general hubbub, not making much noise. And sitting, terribly precariously on a gurney without the side rails up (she should have put those up, why did she forget to put those up). She went over to him and braced his shoulders so he wouldn’t tip off onto the floor. Finding a basin seemed like a waste of effort anyway, he was already a mess.

“I’ve got you,” she said to him, “I’m right here, just just let this happen. It’ll be over soon.”

“I need a hand,” she yelled, and she hoped her patient was too preoccupied to notice how squeaky her voice had come out.

One of the ER nurses - Dana, or was it Carla - stuck her head around the curtain.

“I need -“ Kenna started, then took a breath and tried to sound like a professional, “Joey and Dr. de Courcy assessed him earlier but he’s deteriorating, and de Courcy wants him admitted to neuro and I can’t find a bed.”

Dana-Carla nodded briskly and left again and Kenna, who went back to trying to comfort her patient.

He was still retching periodically, even though he didn’t seem to have much left to bring up, and sobbing pitifully.

“S-sorry,” he gasped, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry,” she said, “you just got a bit sick, is all.”

Really, he was more than a bit sick, and covered in vomit and dried-on salt and amber coloured urine. Why was he still so dehydrated?

“Is that why you’re upset?” she murmured to him, “because you had an accident? These things happen, no one’s mad, we’ll get you cleaned up right away. Just hang in there.”

She leant over to check his IV, but it was working fine. She opened it up wider anyway and hoped it would help.

“I’m sorry, I - ow,” he started again, and then shuddered and trailed off into a thin, pitiful whine and gagged again, curling up with his arms around his stomach.

Kenna stroked his shoulder a little bit, and tried to figure out what the hell she was supposed to do. He needed a bath, before the stomach acid started burning his skin, and clean bedding and a damn hospital gown because he was still naked under the soiled sheet, and she knew that and knew how to get all those things done in a real ER room, but to get any of those things right now, she’d have to leave her sobbing, disoriented patient unattended because she was actually standing in a corner of the waiting room with a curtain around it which hadn’t come up at any point in training because this whole day was insane.

Kenna was still standing around being an indecisive lump about what to do when Dr. de Courcy swept in. She’d been hoping for Joey.

“There’s an open bed now in 281,” she said, with no preamble, “don’t let them brush you off just because you’re new. When did this start?”

“Sorry,” Kenna sputtered, “um, he was about - that is, unchanged about an hour ago, and he was vomiting when I next saw him.” She could feel herself blushing, she felt like an idiot.

Dr. de Courcy looked them both over, and bent down to talk to their patient. He was already looking at her, he’d quieted and had his eyes fixed on her since she walked in.

“Do you remember swallowing anything before you arrived here 798591?” she asked.

He nodded miserably, with tears streaming out of his eyes.

“Can you tell me what it was?”

“There was some water,” he whispered, “and I thought I was supposed to.”

“And did that taste salty, or unpleasant?”

He nodded, “I’m sorry,” he whimpered, “I was bad, I’m sorry.”

“You’re just confused,” said Dr. de Courcy, soothingly, “I don’t think you’ve done yourself much serious damage, now, I need you to lie down so I can examine you, and then Kenna is going to take you upstairs and get you properly settled, and hopefully more comfortable.”

It was pretty clear that the last thing he wanted was to have someone press their hands into his obviously tender abdomen and Kenna wished she could stay and hold his hand through it, but he needed the be admitted properly and the ER needed the space and she could, occasionally, take a hint.

When she got back with a wheelchair he was sitting back up with his arms wrapped protectively around his stomach, still staring at Dr. de Courcy while she wrote out a prescription.

“You can give him an H2 antagonist for a few days, for any lingering gastritis,” she said, and handed Kenna the prescription, “I’m not changing Joanna’s prescription for the dehydration, it should work better when he doesn’t have a gut full of salt water and I’ve put in an order for repeat labs.”

Kenna looked at the orders and devoutly hoped she’d be off shift before it was time to redo the labs in the middle of the night.

Dr. de Courcy did help her get their patient into the chair, which Kenna appreciated, and then walked off without any indication of what she was planning to do with him other than store him in the neurology unit, which she did not.

The patient, who still didn’t have a name, Kenna supposed they should be calling him John Doe really, sat quietly and let Kenna dress him in a hospital gown and wrap the blanket he’d been brought in wearing around his shoulders so it wouldn’t get lost, and take him up to room 281 where the hospital gown was promptly tossed in the laundry and the blanket was tossed onto a chair until she could store it with the rest of the patient’s belongings.

“Alright, 79- um, oh boy I wish I knew your actual name, I’m going to give you a shower and get you your medication and then you’ll feel much better, sound good?”

He didn’t answer. He was crying quietly again.

“What’s the matter?” she asked, while she wound plastic around his IV port to keep it dry, “is the pain really bad? Can you tell me if its bad?”

He shook his head, which might have meant it wasn’t, and might have meant that he couldn’t tell her.

“Can you stand up,” she asked, “just until I get you into the shower.”

He nodded.

She got him into the shower and cleaned him off and tried to examine him properly and usefully, like a real nurse. She had definitely been taught how to do this without spattering herself with water, but she needed clean scrubs anyway.

Under the layer of salt and grime he was covered in superficial scrapes and bruises she tried her best not to put any more pressure on them than she had to. He’d obviously fallen forward at some point, there were a matched set of deep grazes on both his knees and the palms of his hands.

There was also a barcode tattooed onto his left wrist, with a tiny neat string of numbers underneath it 7-9-8-5-9-1.

It made a curl of anxiety form in her belly, which, in turn, made her feel a bit like a hysterical little girl.

She focused on talking him through the shower, and getting all the salt out of his hair, and coaxing him into rinsing his mouth out - he seemed uneasy about the mouthwash, which made her think he was still nauseated - and then drying him off and getting him into bed and a clean hospital gown. He was quiet through it, leaning on her a little while she transferred him into the bed, still staring at her with sad dark eyes like a fawn. He looked a little bit like a fawn actually, skinny and wide-eyed. The caramel coloured hair, currently dark from the shower, didn’t help. The thought caught in her head and jammed.

“I’m going to get you that medication now, alright,” she said, “I’ll be right back.”

“I don’t think she likes me,” he said suddenly.

“What’s that sweetie?” she asked.

“She’s going to send me back,” he whispered, his lower lip trembled, “I don’t want her to send me back, I don’t want to be r-refurbished.”

The curl in Kenna’s stomach curled a bit tighter. But she was the professional here. She comforted people while she was at work. People could comfort her when she was off the clock - whenever that actually was today.

“Do you mean Dr. de Courcy?” she asked.

He nodded. Two big tears dripped out of his eyes.

“Oh sweetheart,” she said, “No one’s going to send you anywhere. You’re safe. I promise you’re safe.”

More tears. She decided that, given it was late and they were both having a crappy day, that a few half-truths probably wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“Besides,” she continued, “I think Dr. de Courcy likes you just fine. We’re just having a bit of a crazy night, and she’s just sort of scary like that all the time, its just her personality. She scares me too.”

That seemed to work. He nodded and tried to give her a watery little smile. It wasn’t a very good attempt. But she patted his forearm and left to get the prescription, and bandages.

Fawn stared dubiously at the pills when she brought them back.

“I know,” she said, “I know you don’t feel like swallowing anything right now, but these are to help your stomach feel better.”

He took them with a vague look of hurt in her general direction but by the time she’d got him medicated, and settled into bed and dressed the worst of the cuts so he wasn’t bleeding onto the sheets he seemed calmer and better focused.

“What’s this, sweetheart?” she asked him, picking up his tattoo’d wrist.

He looked at it like he’d just noticed it was there.

“The identifying bar code means I can be returned if I am lost,” he said flatly.

Returned to who? Kenna wondered, but she didn’t ask, because she was afraid to hear the answer.

“Well, you’re safe here tonight,” she said, and smoothed the blankets down around him, “and the call button is right here,” she pointed, “so if you need anything at all, or if you’re feeling too unsteady to get to the bathroom and manage the IV pole you can just press on it, and someone will come and help you.”

He nodded, but Kenna had a weird feeling about it, so she said again, “you can press the call button for whatever, okay, even if you’re just afraid. Its okay, its allowed.”

Okay, so, possibly the night-shift staff were going to hate her, but she really wasn’t sure he believed her about the button, and he looked so pitiful.

While she was fussing over him, Joey walked in.

“Carla said there was an issue with the IV?” she asked.

“Oh,” said Kenna, “no, he wasn’t hydrating well, but it turns out he swallowed a bunch of salt water, we think, well, Dr. de Courcy thinks. Dr. de Courcy said the original IV should be fine, but I turned it up bit.”

Joey came over and checked the line, and then bent over to talk to Fawn.

“Feeling any better?” she asked.

He nodded.

“Got a name for us yet?” Joey asked.

Fawn shook his head, “Dr. de Courcy didn’t want to give me one.”

Joey grimaced. In fairness, Kenna also grimaced.

“Well,” she said, “I’ll ask her about that.  Maybe she’ll come up with something.”

Fawn sat up and smiled at her, “really? Is she going to come back?”

“Sure,” said Joey, “ but she’s going to come see you sometime tomorrow and its late now, so you should just try and have a good sleep okay? Would you like Kenna to turn the light off for you?”

“Can it stay on?” Fawn asked in a whisper, lying back down and curling himself up around the pillow and shutting his eyes.

“Sure hon,” said Joey, and left.

Kenna wished him good night, which he didn’t respond to, and went to talk to Joey.

“Everything okay,” Joey asked her, when she caught up.

“I am,” she said, “freaking myself right out.”

“What’s up?” said Joey.

“Fawn - um - John Doe, has a barcode tattooed on his wrist with that number he answers to under it. And he insists he was inside a box and he doesn’t want to be sent back. And its just, way too much.” Kenna explained, all in one go so she couldn’t chicken out half way through, “today is insane. Today is just insane right? People don’t get shipped around in boxes. Right?”

Joey looked at her and just sighed.

“Today is, in fact, insane,” she said, “but I don’t think you are. You need to tell Dr. de Courcy.”

“What,” squeaked Kenna.

“She’s his attending physician,” Joey explained. “Besides, if there’s going to be, like, legal weirdness, we won’t have to wrangle any lawyers if she’s there to do it.”

Kenna gulped, “where do I—“ go tell the most intimidating person in the hospital my insane-sounding, and possibly straight-up insane theories?

“If she’s not still in the ER or in her office she’s probably gone back to lay down in her coffin,” said Joey.

“Why does everyone make that joke?” Kenna asked, “I think you’re the third person I’ve heard say she does that.”

“Oh you don’t—“ Joey started, “I’ll tell you later.”

Kenna found Dr. de Courcy in her office, so at least she didn’t have to make a spectacle of herself in the middle of the ER where people could see her.

“Kenna. Come in,” she said, before Kenna could ask.

“I’m worried about our John Doe,” Kenna started.

“Is he displaying new symptoms?” Dr. de Courcy interjected in the space of Kenna gathering her thoughts.

“No, — I mean —“ Kenna babbled, and then tried to sound professional, “the patient’s condition is unchanged, but some of the observations I’ve made —“ she gave up, it was too late, and she was too tired, and she was going to sound insane either way, “I think John Doe might actually have been, being, you know, um, shipped in a box?”

Dr. de Courcy looked up from her computer and stared at Kenna, “which observations?”

“He talked about being in a box,” said Kenna, “and when I spoke to him earlier he was really scared of being ‘sent back’, and I know he might just be delusional, but he is responding to a string of numbers he has tattooed onto his wrist instead of a name and - and  I know I’ve been watching stupid videos on Youtube, and believe me I’m going to stop, but he’s got a really weird form of amnesia right?”

“He does,” Dr. de Courcy said, “and I will be interested to see how many of my residents are able to make the same observation. And while I do not have what could be reasonably described as an appreciation for your taste in media, I do agree. I’ll write the hospital legal department. How widely have you discussed this?”

“I talked to Joey,” said Kenna.

“That’s fine,” she said, “but please refrain from talking to anyone else until we’ve got either ironclad confirmation . I’d prefer the public outcry to be over facts, rather than speculation, if at all possible.”

“Yes Doctor,” said Kenna, which made her sound like a nurse in a starched cap from an old movie, but honestly Dr. de Courcy just had that effect on people, the more experienced nurses all did it to, and most of the doctors here went by their first names.

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary -Chapter 51

Warnings: none

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @alievans007​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @thunderintheshadows​, @valkyrie-of-the-light​

“I do not need a goddamn wheelchair.” Esme grumbles, five hours later, as Kyle pushes her out of the front entrance of their local hospital. “I can walk on my own.”

“Well considering you fainted once at mom's, and twice while you were here, I think it's safe to say you shouldn't be walking anywhere on your own right now.”

“People faint,” she shrugs.

“Pregnant women shouldn't faint. And they especially shouldn't faint three times. You heard what the doctor said. You're severely dehydrated, your blood pressure is sky high, and when you fainted, you managed to hit your head, give yourself a concussion, and receive seven stitches for your trouble.”  

She frowns at the last part; gingerly touching the bandage that covers the injury in question that runs down some of her forehead and into her right eyebrow.

“So now you have a prescription he wants you to get, and you've got this handy dandy portable IV...” he nods down at the small back like device resting in her lap, the needle of the IV having been inserted into the top of her left hand and secured with clear tape. “A nurse will come every day to check on it. To change the bag and see if the line is still good. Just be thankful that you get to go home. If I had my way, I would have had you admitted for a couple of days at least.”

“Well good thing firefighters have no pull when it comes to those things. Because I do not need to be in the hospital.  All I need, is to be as far away from mom as possible. Can you believe the things she said? Who says shit like that? Who wishes death on their own son in law? Or basically suggests her married daughter gets an abortion because mommy dearest doesn't like said son in law?”

“Look, what mom said was completely out of line and I think she's a huge bitch for saying any of it. But stop thinking about it. Because what she said and how you reacted is how you ended up here in the first place. So let's not talk about mom at all, okay? I'll take you home and keep an eye on you. You'll be more comfortable there than at my place. In your own bed, surrounded by all your stuff.”

Nik had assured them that it would be perfectly safe to return to the house; she and the security team would be there around the clock, and they were more than capable of both spotting and diffusing threats.

“Not everything,” she sighs. “My kids aren't there. My husband isn't there.”

“Well, he will be, Because he's on his way back.”

“Wait...wait...” she clamps her hands down on the wheels of the chair, preventing them from turning. “...what do you mean he's on his way back? You called him?  You actually called him? Why the hell would you do that?”

“I didn't call him. Nik did.”

“Why? She didn't need to do that. Why the hell...?”

“Oh I don't know why she would do that, Esme. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you're his wife and you're pregnant with his baby and you nearly just got admitted to the damn hospital!”

“I just fainted. When did it become such a serious issue for someone to faint? It's not life or death.”

“Okay, first of all, it's never normal for someone to just faint unless there's an underlying issue. Second, you're having a baby. So there isn't just a concern with your health, but with the baby's health too. You're not the type that gets sick easily and you don't normally have health problems. But, you have to admit, with the twins and Declan, there were problems. A lot of problems. Especially with the twins. So don't you think it's better to get you looked at and see if there's something else going on? With either of you?”

“It's just stress. The doctor asked if I've been under a lot of stress and I have. Huge stress. And then mom started with her shit and...”

“Listen, it's just better if things are taken seriously. They did some tests and some blood work and if anything is wrong, they'll let you know. Better to be safe than sorry, right?”

She nods.

“If nothing is wrong, then great. If something is wrong, then at least they found it and at least they can do something about it. Why do you have to be like this? So damn stubborn? Of all the things you had to inherit from dad, it had to be one of the worst possible things.”

“Well you inherited his looks so the joke's on you,” she teases.

“Are you trying to say I'm ugly?” he grins.

“I'm trying to say when you were born, mom said 'what a treasure' and dad said 'yeah, let's bury it'.”

Kyle chuckles. “I should dump you out of this wheelchair for saying that.”

“You'd never. You love me too much. Since we were kids and you used to beat up the bullies that used to teased me because I liked to climb trees and play with Transformers and GI Joe's instead of dolls.”

“I tell you, you could throw a left hook better than any of the guys I knew. They were just jealous. Because you were cooler than they were and I liked to hang out with you more than them. I'll stay with you okay? Keep an eye on you. Make sure you're eating and drinking and taking it easy. I already called my boss and he said to take a couple days and call him if I need more time. I'll hang around until Tyler gets here.”

“I still can't believe Nik called him,” Esme huffs. “This is the last thing he needs on his plate. He's already got enough  stress with having to go New Zealand and find those kids. He doesn't need to be worrying about me too. You should have just left it alone and not told him.”

“Kid, he's your husband. There was never an option of not telling him. I think he cares more about you and this baby than he does about some fucking job. I get its kids that are involved. I get how bad that sucks and how horrible it is. I really do. But someone else can finish the job. He's not the only mercenary out there.”

“He feels he needs to finish it. That he started it and it's up to him to get them.”

“Well he's obviously changed his mind because he's on his way home.”

“For good?”

“I don't know. I didn't talk to him. Like I said, Nik called him. And apparently he flipped his shit and told her to get him on the first flight home and that's what she did. So despite what mom thinks about him, he obviously cares more about you and the baby than he does about the job. If he didn't, he wouldn't have insisted that he was coming home even after Nik assured him that things weren't that serious.”

“And you call me stubborn? Tyler is way worse than I am.”

“He's not stubborn. He loves you. There's never been a doubt of that, that's for sure. I mean, if he can put up with your shit for this long, he must love you.”

“Or he's just a glutton for punishment.”

“Hey, you said it, not me,” he pushes the wheelchair as close as he can to the front passenger side door of his truck, and then sits the brakes and squeezes between his vehicle and the one parked beside to open the door. “Hey!” he scolds, when she attempts to stand. “I don't think so, kid. Sit your ass down. You don't do anything unless I tell you to, understand?”

“As much as I'm sure Nik will find your assertiveness insanely hot, you're my brother and you don't get to boss me around.”

“The hell I don't. Sit.”

“Fine,” she huffs, and plops back down. “You know, you are more like dad than I realized. He was bossy too,”

“Are you like this at home?” Kyle inquires, as he pops open the door and then helps her out of the chair, hands under her arms for support. “Do you get like this when Tyler tries to help? You get all obstinate and bitchy with him too?”

“Yep. And then he gets mad and we fight and then we have angry sex and things go back to normal.”

“You know what, some things I do not need to know. And that's one of them. Can you get up in there or do you need me to put you over my shoulder and drop you in to your seat?”

“I'm not an invalid, thank you very much. I only fainted.”

“Three times. And stop lying to yourself that there's just that wrong, okay? There's something going on with either you or the baby and it needs to get sorted out. Just let people take care of you, okay? You've spent five and half years either taking care of Tyler or taking care of kids. It's your turn now.”

“Oh just what I want. Sitting on my ass while someone caters to every whim and need...wait a second...” she frowns and cocks her head to the side. “...that actually sounds kind of nice.”

“You deserve someone to wait on you hand and foot, kid. Like the princess you are.”

“Princess? I'm the motherfucking queen, K.”

He just shakes his head and shuts her door.

****

While it's good to be home, it feels strange at the same time. It's empty. Lonely. Way too quiet. Nothing more than furniture and other belongings in empty rooms.  No kids running around; no shrieking, no squealing, no giggling, no near constant demands for snacks and juice. No dog barking or following her from room to room, desperate for the attention he isn't receiving (yet definitely is) from the others. No husband out working in the back yard or the garage.  While all of their things are there...in the exact places they'd been left...the house and its surroundings seem foreign. As if it belongs to someone else.

“Nik said the guys checked the place,” Kyle says, as he steps out onto the back deck, carrying a bottle of beer for himself, a steaming mug of tea -decaf, as the ER doctor had suggested-, where she sits in one of the oversized Adriondack chairs, a flannel blanket pulled up to her chin, legs stretched out and feet on the wooden railing in front of her.  “No sign of any trouble. Maybe those Irish guys already came to town and scared the bad guys away.”

“Or at least chased them somewhere else,” she says, and gives her brother an appreciative smile as he places her drink in the chair's cup holder.

“It's getting pretty late. You should be getting some rest.”

“It's nine thirty.”

“At night.”

“It's nine thirty,” she stresses. “I haven't gone to bed this early since before I had Millie. Before I got too huge and too uncomfortable and I couldn't sleep properly anyway.  You're getting a little too naggy.”

“I'm not naggy,” he argues, as he takes a seat in the chair beside her. “I'm worried about my kid sister. And my niece or nephew. Maybe both. Maybe there's two in there again.”

“Oh God, bite your tongue. Do not wish that on me for a second time. I love my boys to the end of the earth and beyond, that was the most brutal seven and a half months of my entire life. I do not want to go through that again. I'd rather have another nine plus pounder than two at the same time. Besides...” she reaches under her blanket and pulls out the ultrasound photo she's been keeping safe in her possession. “...looks like there's one baby Rake.”

Kyle takes the picture from her, squinting his eyes in an attempt to make out any distinguishing features. “What the hell am I looking at?”

She leans sideways in her seat and begins pointing out various things that the tech had circled. Heart, spine, kidneys, both eyes, nose, and mouth.  The radiologist on call had said that everything looked 'perfectly fine' and 'extremely healthy'. All parts existent and working properly, from what he could tell. “I'm a lot further than I thought,” she says to her brother. “I thought maybe two months. Three at the most.”

“And?” he asks.

“Three months, three weeks and two days.”

“Do you know the exact hours and minutes too?”

She rolls her eyes.  “I don't know that's the exact time. That's what the tech said based on all the measurements and everything. That's almost four months, K. I don't understand how it can be that far ahead. Nearly four months and I never showed any signs whatsoever? I mean, I missed a period and a half of one but that's nothing. Things have always been screwed up in that respect. That's never been normal.”

“Okay, you're my sister and I do not need to know certain things. Your...cycle...or whatever...is not something I need to know.  So it's a bad thing you're this far ahead, or...?”

“It's not that it's bad. It's just weird. Look, when you get married and your wife starts having babies, she will know everything that goes on in her body. And I mean everything. I thought I did know everything that my body is telling me. I mean, I've only been through this three other times, right? Oh no. This time is totally different. I thought I was just run down and stressed and worried and all that crap that comes with Tyler doing what he does. And you know what? He was the one the one who thought I was pregnant. Way before I did. You know what that means?”

Kyle frowns.  “What?”

“It means he was right. And when I tell him just how far along I am and that he was right, he will hold that over my head for years. Decades. Because that's what Tyler does. Because Tyler isn't used to being right and when I have to admit he is, he makes my life hell. Well maybe not hell. But he makes it very annoying. And I am not in the mood for that kind of shit. I'm cranky and I'm hormonal and it pains me inside to know I have to admit he was right.”

Her brother laughs. “You two are perfect for each other, I swear. He practically says the same stuff about you.”

“Excuse me? He does what? Have you been talking about me?” she gives an excited gasp and sits up, then asks “ Do you have a bromance going on?”

“We talk,” Kyle admits.

“When?”

“When you don't realize it's happening. What? You need to know everything?”

“I think it's a big deal when my husband...the black sheep of this family, through no doing of his own...is having a bromance with my favourite brother. It makes my heart happy. What's wrong with that? And what do you guys talk about?”

He shrugs. “Guy stuff.”

She stares at him pointedly.

“What? Guy stuff. You know, going to the gym, cars, trucks, work shit, girl shit.”

“Girl shit? He's talking about girls with my brother?”

“He doesn't talk about girls. I talk about girls. He talks about you.”

“Oh really...” her eyes narrow. “...and what does he say? Don't hold back. You can tell me. Don't protect him.”

“Nothing bad, I swear. He has never once said anything bad about you. The total opposite, actually. Trust me when I say that after five and a half years, that guy is still wildly and crazily in love with you.”

She smiles and sips her tea.  “He's lucky.”

“It's just random guy shit we talk about. I mean, every so often we'll talk about how big of a bitch mom is and how ridiculous the shit she says is.  Sometimes we talk about sports.  He really hates hockey by the way but I won't hold that against him. And every so often he'll talk about shit that's bothering him.”

“Really?” she's genuinely surprised. “He talks to you about that stuff?”

Kyle nods and sips his beer.

“What has he told you?”

“Esme, it's kind of personal, don't you think? If he's telling me and not you...”

“I'm not asking to be nosy and I don't expect you to betray his confidence. I'm asking because I'm worried about him. He's been having some really hard times, K. Mentally. And not just the depression and the anxiety. But with the PTSD and the brain fog and the memory issues. Have you noticed any of those things?”

“I've noticed a couple things, I guess. Nothing major. I just figured that whatever he'd been through had done a real number on him, you know? I mean, now that I know exactly what he went through, it's no wonder the guy has issues. That would fuck anyone up.”

“Has he told you about any issues? Anything specific?”

“Esme....”

“He's my husband. Kyle. And I'm worried about him. I don't know what to do for him. I don't know if he needs more therapy or if he needs different medication or if he needs both. I just want to help him.”

“I know. But right now, you're the one that needs help. I know you're used to being the mother hen and the one that babies everyone, but you've got your own shit going on, kid. You do not need to be stressing out over this. If you want me to, I can talk to him. See if he'll tell me anything else other than what he already has. But you can't be worried about this. Especially now. Not with your own stuff going on.”

“I fainted, K. That's it. I fainted.”

“There's way more than that going on and you know it. You need to take it easy and let people take care of you for a change. Stop trying to solve everyone's problems and just worry about yourself. That's why you're having issues in the first place. Because you stress yourself trying to fix everybody. Just...stop...” he reaches out and gently squeezes the back of her neck.  “...stop trying to save everyone.”

“That is not what I'm trying to do. I'm worried about him, Kyle. Legitimately worried. He isn't himself and he...”

“You just said he was stressed and had a lot on his plate.”

“It goes way beyond that.”

“Is he drinking again? Back on the Oxy?”

“He was drinking but he says he's sober and staying sober. And no.  He's not on Oxy again. He doesn't even like taking Tylenol. Which is a problem all in itself because he's in all this pain and he doesn't want to take anything for it.”

“And I said I would talk to him and see if he'll tell me anything else. Look, he's not coming home so you can take care of him. He's coming home to take care of you. Would you let him do that? You always have this need to take care of him, maybe he feels like he needs to do the same thing for you.  So give him that, okay?”

“You promise you'll talk to him?”

“If you're that worried about him...”

“I am. And this isn't my usual worrying about stupid shit. This is serious. There is something going on up in his brain and I don't know how to help him. And I know he hates telling me things because he hates me worrying. So maybe he'll tell you instead.”

“I will talk to him,” Kyle promises her. “You've had a long day. Lots of time on a plane, the excitement at mom's, all the poking and prodding at the hospital. You need sleep. That baby's counting on you, kid. You're the only one that can keep him or her safe and sound in there. So go. Go inside and lie down and sleep.  I'll be on the couch if you need me.” okay?”

“Where's Nik going to be?” she teases, as she pushes the blanket off of her and stands up, immediately feeling light headed and having to place a hand on her brother's shoulder to steady herself.

“I knew you should have been admitted,” he huffs.

“I'm fine. I just got up too quickly. Relax, dad. Jesus.”

“Don't get lippy with me. Because I will fireman carry you upstairs.”

“Is that how you're going to get Nik into bed? Seduce her with your fireman abilities?” she tousles his hair, presses a kiss to his cheek.

“How do you know she's not going to seduce me?” he counters.

“If you're going to have sex, I just ask that it's not in any of my children's beds. And stay out of Ovi's apartment.  Go and do it somewhere else if you have to. I don't want to be hearing the two of you bumping uglies, okay?”

“It's only fair. I've had to hear you and Tyler before.”

“That's because Tyler was trying to teach you how to do things properly,” she teases.

“You're a smart ass, you know that.”

“I do,” she says, and then disappears into the house.

***

The traffic is terrible; hampered by a steady rain and strong winds.   And he sits in the passenger seat as Yaz drives,  elbow on the door, hand rubbing his chin and mouth repeatedly, both legs shaking nervously.  The call from home has him on edge; brain running through all worst possible case scenarios, nerves completely shot, desperately yearning for something to take the edge of.  To at least calm him enough to stop fearing the worst. The assurances from Nik that there wasn't something seriously wrong hadn't worked; she'd insisted that he didn't need to return home and that things were 'under control' and he needed to just stay where he was and concentrate on the job at hand. He'd snapped on her. Telling her to shove the job up her ass and get him a way home. Sooner. Not later. That she'd set this bullshit in motion the moment she decided that ratting him out was a good idea. Had she not done that, Esme would still be in Ireland. Not half way around the goddamn world, dealing with issues with the baby all by herself.

“You need to calm down,” Yaz says.

“You need to fuck off,” Tyler retorts.

Yaz sighs. “You won't miss the flight. The guy's waiting for you. So...”

“I fucking hate traffic.”

“Okay, I get that. But like I said, they're waiting for you...”

“I don't give a shit. I need to get home. But instead I'm stuck in this fucking bullshit,” he angrily gestures out the windshield.

“”You heard what Nik said. Everything is fine. They didn't even admit her. If there was something wrong, she would have been admitted. “

Tyler sighs, and closes his eyes; trying his best to block out his friend's voice. The last thing he fucking needs is someone trying to tell him just where his concerns should lie and where his priorities should be. There'd been no hesitation when Nik had called; he'd already been throwing clothes and other personal belongings into one of the suitcases before she even got to the part where things 'weren't that bad'. It didn't matter how goddamn bad things were; he was going home and no one was going to stop him.

“It isn't that bad,” Yaz says. “Can you stop shaking like that? It's annoying me.”

“Just fucking drive,” he responds, and shakes his legs even harder, just to be spiteful.

“Would you just calm down? What are you so freaked out about?”

“If you tell me to calm down one more time...”

“Being this worked up isn't solving anything. I'm getting you to the airport, they're not going to take off without you, Nik said that things are that bad and....”

“I don't give a fuck what Nik said.  I need to get home. To my wife. I don't care if things are 'that bad' or not. She shouldn't be going through this alone.”

“Isn't her brother with her?”

“What the hell does that matter? I should be with her. And I would be if I never took this goddamn job. If that fucking asshole never showed up in Colorado.”

“Well technically, he's been after you since Guatemala, so...”

“Yaz, we don't need to get fucking technical. If we really want to get into it, none of this would be happening if your sister didnt' fuck up and hire Jason Andrews' brother. Which is who hired McMann to take me out. And if I really want to be a petty asshole, I'd say we also wouldn't be in this situation if your sister hadn't have ratted me out to my wife in the first place.”

“I get you're pissed about that, but...”

“I am more than pissed. I am so far past pissed. She should have just kept her fucking mouth shut. There was no reason she had to go to Esme. What good did it do?”

“Other than get you to knock your shit off and start getting your head on straight? She did the right thing, and if you'd calm down long enough, you'd realize that.”

“Stop fucking telling me to calm down!” he snaps.  “I will knock you the fuck out, Yaz, I don't care if you're driving. I am on my last shred of sanity and my last nerve is hanging on by a thread.  This all could have been avoided if your sister kept her mouth shut. If she'd minded her own business, Esme would still be here. With me. And that way if things went wrong with the baby, I'd be with her. Not thousands of miles away.”

“If you hadn't have decided to take matters into your own hands and drug and kidnap someone, it wouldn't be happening either.”

“Do I need to fucking remind you that you were on my side? That you agreed McMann deserved to suffer? That you agreed to help me? And then as soon as your sister showed up, you fucking bailed on me and threw me under the bus. That was a bitch move, Yaz. You fucking coward.”

“It was getting out of control. You were getting out of control. We've been friends a long time, Tyler. Even longer than you and Nik. I'm the one that got you into the job in the first place. And believe me, every day I want to kick myself in the ass for that. Because if I'd never done that, this wouldn't all be happening. And Dhaka never would have happened.”

“A lot of good things came out of Dhaka,” Tyler says, and can't even believe the words came out of his own mouth.

For years he's been dwelling on all of the bad things that happened in Bangladesh; Mahajan Senior screwing them over, G being killed, Gaspar betraying him, everything that took place on the Sultana Kamal Bridge, the fact that Esme had to see and hear the things she did. Even those long months in the hospital and the lingering, life altering after effects. Maybe it's the meds in his system; allowing him to think clearly and rationally instead of turning him into a zombie.

“Yeah? Like what?”

“My wife, for one. My kids. My chance at a normal life. Which I keep fucking up in the most epic ways possible.”

“It's hard. You've been doing the job for a long time. It's hard to just let it go,” Yaz reasons. “Even though you've got half a dozen reasons to walk away, you just can't. Somewhere along the long, the job stopped being something you do and you became the job.”

Tyler snorts. “Ain't that some shit.”

“You never meant for it to happen. It's not like you intentionally became that way. And it's not like you wanted to put it before your wife and your kids. You didn't even realize it was happening. It just did.  No one is going to fault you for that, Tyler.”

“They don't need to. I already hate myself enough for it.”

“Esme doesn't. She's still around.”

“Until she's not one day. And I don't want that happening.  I can't let that happen. You ask why I'm going home when things aren't that bad? Because that's where I fucking belong. It's where I've always belonged and I never let it happen. Home was never enough until I realized how close I was to losing it. So maybe you're not a coward, Yaz. But I am. I was a coward when I left when Austin was dying and I've been a coward for the last five and a half years.”

His head hurts. Even worse than his knee and his shoulder, for  once. And he reaches into one of the pockets of his flack jacket and pulls out a bottle of prescription meds; twisting off the cap and dumping three small pills into his palm.

“Thought you took your meds today,” Yaz comments.

“You keeping tabs on me now?”

“Thought you were only supposed to take one Valium a day? What the fuck...?”

“It's ativan, dumb ass. For anxiety.  I'm a little fucking anxious right now.”

“A little?”

“Don't make me hurt you, Yaz.”

He places the pills under his tongue, waiting for them to fully dissolve before reaching for a bottle of water sitting in one of the cup holders.

“Are you coming back?” Yaz asks.

“I don't know.”

“When will you know?”

“When I get home and see how bad things are. Can I get home first? Can I get to see my wife and talk to her before you start asking me these things? Fuck the job. She has to come first.”

“I get that. I do. But we're supposed to leave for New Zealand in two days.”

“So leave for New Zealand in two days. Mark and his boys will be with you. What? You need me there to hold your hand? You need me to spoon feed you and wipe your ass after you take a shit?”

Yaz smirks. “You can be a real dick.”

“If...and that's a big if right now...I come back, I'll meet up with you guys there. You don't need me there to gather up intel and find where the kids are. You just need me to get them out.”

“Exactly. We need you. You. Not some random fucking Marine that's never done shit like this before. And definitely not Mark. If anyone would fuck things right up, it's that guy. You're the one with the experience. We need you.”

“Nik can find someone else.”

“There is no one else. And you've been on this since day one. You know the history.  I don't want some newbie just walking in and screwing things up. You're the only one that can do this. Properly. Don't fucking bail on me, Tyler.”

“It's what I do, Yaz. I bail on people. You don't realize that by now?”

“You didn't bail on Ovi,” he points out. “Even when you were told to.”

Tyler sighs.

“So? Are you?” Yaz presses. “Coming back?”

“I don't know,” he admits. “I honestly don't know.”

[iturbide]

⭐ directors commentary is always fun! go wild, pick what you want!

bany you’re not helping you know full well how much i’ve written for The AU

Grabbing his IV pole in one hand and a chair in the other, Galo moved around to the far side of the bed, taking a seat and folding his fingers around Lio’s hand.  His skin felt slightly brittle, even to that gentle touch, and it took every ounce of willpower for the firefighter to keep his grip steady, rather than pulling away or tensing up.  He still couldn’t see any change in the mask, but from this close, he could at least see the Burnish breathing, which was arguably a good sign – but what worried him was how cold Lio felt.  Every other Burnish he’d sat with, who had touched him, had left a warm feeling nested in his heart; but with Lio, it felt like…an absence of heat, the impression of fire remembered through the ash that remained.  If there was an ember left, he couldn’t feel it.

But he stayed, even so, listening to the machines around him, steady whirs and intermittent beeps breaking up the silence.  And when he couldn’t take that anymore, he started talking, quietly, about anything that came to mind: about Burning Rescue, about Lucia and her inventions and the Matoitech they were both so proud of, about Aina and her burning heart, about the chief and Remi and Varys, and how he missed the pizza from Pop’s place, and how he hoped Marco was okay…and how he hoped Lio would be, too.  

After a while, he thought he felt a little bit of warmth pulsing against his fingers, though it was hard to tell what was really Lio’s and not just his own.  When he chanced another glance at the Burnish, he couldn’t spot any more ash flakes; that was a good sign, if nothing else.  He thought there might be a little more color in his skin, too, though it was hard to tell with as pale as Lio was.  Galo kept talking, though, because it was either that or listen to the medical monitors, and he knew that would drive him insane: he talked about the other Burnish he’d met with so far, since he had a feeling Lio would want to know how they were doing, and how he thought they were going to be okay now that the Federation had taken over the hospitals.  He debated whether or not he should mention what the Promeopolis doctors had done…and decided against it.  Mostly because he didn’t trust himself to keep calm if he tried to voice that.

Something twitched in his palm. 

Looking over to make sure the Burnish was okay…he saw one of the monitors starting to flash as a spinning triangle grew in the middle of the screen.  That was weird.  But now he definitely felt Lio’s fingers curling in his, and something was flickering in his chest now, unsteady, like sparks over dry leaves fizzling and trying to light.  “Hey,” he murmured, tightening his hand slightly.  “Hey, you awake?” 

He saw the Burnish squeeze his eyes shut a little tighter, felt his fingers clench, watched his chest rise as he took in a deep, audible breath…and heard it catch. 

The mask went from foggy white to soot black in less than a second as Lio started coughing, convulsing, his free hand clawing at the band that kept it on him while the other clung to Galo’s fingers.  “E-easy!  Easy, Lio, just – just take a breath,” the firefighter babbled, trying not to panic while he pulled the face mask free.  He wasn’t sure if it helped or not; all he knew was that suddenly he could hear those strained breaths a lot more clearly, too shallow and rasping between coughs that brought up gouts of smoke.  Tightening his fingers on Lio’s hand, Galo threw his other arm across the Burnish, pulling him in close and feeling Lio’s forehead press against the curve of his neck.  “I’ve got you,” he promised.  “I’ve got you, Lio, it’s okay, just – deep breaths, okay?”  

He tried to draw one, and very nearly dissolved into his own fit of coughs when the acrid smoke scraped the back of his throat.  But he managed to tamp it down (if only barely), breathing deep and blowing it out in a slow sigh before taking another.  He thought he heard the Burnish try to mimic it…only for it to hitch and shudder into another painful fit, and something was searing through his heart as Lio clutched at him, and all he could do was hold on tight to that sputtering fire and pray it would manage to light.

He didn’t know how long it took.  It felt like hours, when his nerves were frayed like one of Vinny’s chew toys.  But eventually – finally – the Burnish managed to take a breath that didn’t end with him choking up more smoke.  And another, too small and too shallow to do much, but better than the nothing he’d been getting.  “That’s it,” Galo mumbled encouragingly, “keep going like that, nice and easy…”

A thin, rattling whine rose from somewhere around his shoulder.  “Gh…Gal-o?”

“None other,” he joked weakly, squirming his way up onto the edge of the bed and pulling Lio in as close as he could manage.  To his shock, the Burnish didn’t try to push him away – he clung tighter, instead, and Galo swore he felt a foreign flicker in his breast with every one of Lio’s ragged gasps.  “Easy does it, come on…”

The Burnish didn’t stop shaking.  But the smoke thinned out, his breath started coming a little deeper, and with it a steady warmth finally settled somewhere deep in the firefighter’s chest.  Running his hand up and down Lio’s back a few more times, he felt the Burnish start to slump against his side and scrambled to shore him up.  “H-hey, whoa, you okay?”

The firefighter felt the slightest pressure as Lio squeezed his fingers.  “Wh-what hap’ned?”

“Uh.  A lot,” Galo mumbled.  “But just take it easy, okay, it’s all taken care of now–”

“Galo.”

He stiffened at the sharpness of that voice.  “Y-yeah?” 

“What happened.”

“Lio–”

“Tell me.”

His gut twisted.  But somehow, he didn’t think he’d be getting out of this conversation.  So he steeled his nerves and started in.

Look I have approximately 300 different things in this one fic that I want to yell about, so I’m just taking an early one and running with it.  And even this one includes…at least three separate things I’m excited about, including A) Burnish-specific medical treatments and equipment, B) effects of sedation on Burnish and their connection to the Promare, and C) Burnish-to-Burnish connections (proximity-based and otherwise) and associated support.  Like holy fuck there’s so much cool stuff to dig into.

Like, just think about how different Burnish are from humans without a connection to the Promare.  They’re bound to a literal living flame that gives them regenerative powers and control over fire to the point that heat doesn’t even faze them.  Trying to provide the same medical treatment to a Burnish as a non-Burnish probably won’t go well, because their innate biology had been radically altered by their connection to the Promare.  Enter Burnish-specific treatments: while Promeopolis has remained in the dark ages when it comes to Burnish treatment, the rest of the world has advanced considerably, and not only learned what kinds of treatment Burnish benefit from, but actively seeks to provide it.  Supporting Burnish flames with IV treatments and supplied oxygen, having means to perform necessary treatments that circumvent the regeneration factor…it could have been done – and outside Promeopolis, it was.

And then there’s the whole idea of Burnish connections to their Promare.  Canon already tells us that a Burnish can’t survive without their flame  – it’s why the painful extraction used for the warp drive was so insidious,  not to mention why the flame transfers were so important.  But freezing or removing flames aren’t the only ways to threaten them: there’s smothering, as well.  Antiquated sedation methods designed to control a flame by stiffing it are probably common in Promeopolis, given how they generally treat Burnish; assuming that it manages to stay lit at all, coming back around would be an uncomfortable joint venture for both the Burnish and the flame they’re attached to as they try to regain a stable connection after that cruel attempt to stamp it out.

Which leads into the Burnish-to-Burnish connection.  Again, this is something we see not infrequently in canon, from the way Lio, Gueira, and Meis bring their flames together at the close of Lio-hen to the life-saving Burnish CPR method where a flame is literally passed to another Burnish in an attempt to keep theirs burning.  With Promare themselves being widely connected – a hivemind of sorts, perhaps most akin to a community of coral – it’s practically a given that Burnish can sense one another through their flames, most notably their emotions and their pain.  While this is easy enough for experienced Burnish who are well aware of their local Conflagration, it’s somewhat unavoidable when there’s physical contact involved: what Galo’s feeling isn’t just the pain of Lio’s flame trying to catch post-sedation, there’s a much larger and more insidious problem he’s getting a sense of, whether he realizes it or not.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z 125

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes, a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be the blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

Every great saga has a beginning, and this one starts with a simple boar.   

Did our porcine friend realize what his actions would bring forth on this day?    Did he know that the Driver’s Ed episode of Dragon Ball Z would be born from his decision to chase after a woman walking home from the Mt. Paozu IGA?    Maybe, but I’m more inclined to think that he just wanted some of the potato wedges Chi-Chi picked up from the deli. 

Meanwhile, Goku’s training for the androids.   Well, not at this exact second.    Right now, he’s watching clouds sexually harass other clouds.   Cloud Master Roshi belongs in Cloud Jail.

As Chi-Chi hoofs it back home after narrowly escaping the boar, she sees the couple from the other mountain driving home in their car.   

When Chi-Chi gets home she’s greeted by her husband and son, who toss their filthy training gear in front of her and head for the tub.  

And that tears it.   She bawls out Goku for not driving her to the store like other husbands, and when he says he doesn’t have a license she tells him to go get one.  Oh, and he can take Piccolo with him, since his useless green ass doesn’t have one either, smh.  

Oh, and if they fail, she won’t cook for them.     I’m not sure why that should matter to Piccolo, since he only drinks water, but maybe Chi-Chi makes some really tasty water.   

So the next day the boys go to the “institute” to take driver’s ed.   Piccolo doesn’t know how he got roped into this, but he doesn’t seem too interested in backing out, either.  

What makes this episode a classic is that they’re both wearng civlian clothing for this aventure.   Goku is dresed in what I like to call “Stealth Fred Flintstone Cosplay.”     Piccolo, of course, is dressed  in blue jeans and two shirts.  One is purple with long sleeves, and one is yellow with the words “POST BOY” written on them.   

In the dub, Goku asks him where he got such a ridiculous outfit, and Piccolo replies “Your wife got them for me... out of your closet.”   That’s not in the Japanese version.     Really, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for Goku to own this outfit, since Piccolo’s at least 18 inches taller than him.    Then again, Piccolo has Clothes Beam powers, which could also be used to alter clothing to fit other sizes.  

Besides, we know he got the hat from Goku, since it has the word “GOKUU” written on it.  I think it’s safe to assume that the POST BOY outfit is definitely something Goku owns.

Here come the instructors.   They have Capsule Corp. logos on their coats, so I assume this means this whole institute is run by Capsule Corp.   

Somewhere in this episode, the old guy says he’s been teaching driver’s ed for 70 years, which puts him somewhere over 90.   Personally, I headcanon him as gettng into the driver’s ed game much later in life.   His wife divorced him at 53, and he struggled to find new purpose after that, until he got a taste of the driving school life, and he knew he would never be the same.    Oh, he tried to get out of this world.   But it kept calling him back like a siren song.    The fame, the money, the women.    He just couldn’t stay away.   And by 55, he became a full-time instructor.   Now he’s 125 years old.

I don’t know anything about this lady, except that I’m pretty sure she wants to fuck Piccolo in the backseat of a car while it speeds along a highway at 100 miles per hour.    I guess Piccolo could use the Multi-Form technique to steer while he does his business in the back, but she doesn’t know that.   

Piccolo-- excuse me... I mean Post Boy, has some dificulty with the seat belt. 

Did you think I was kidding about this lady?    Because I’m not.  Back seat.  100 miles per hour.    No one at the wheel.  

Unfortunately, this car doesn’t have a back seat, so she just floors it and drives really, really aggressively.   

EVEN POST BOY IS AFRAID

Meanwhile, the old man can’t even get the door open.     I like how the hair on his head turns red, but his mustache and eyebrows don’t.    

Goku starts dissociating in the parking lot.   

Meanwhile, the Brief family is still amazed by Vegeta’s insane training regimen.   I feel like these scenes are really trying to pressure Bulma into getting it on with the guy.    “Boy, those Saiyans sure do have tough bodies, eh, Bulma?    Such wonderfully tough bodies.   Oh, and he’s living in the spaceship now.    That’s how dedicated he is.    You know, that spaceship would be a great place to have sex in, just throwing that out there.    You could scream as loud as you wanted and your parents would never be able to hear it.”

Anyway, here’s Vegeta doing some pointless bullshit that isn’t driver’s ed.  Let’s move on. 

  I guess Gohan’s studying while the boys are learning to drive.    Of course, he can’t concentrate knowing that Piccolo’s running around in the Post Boy outfit.    Check out this sweet fan art Gohan drew for this episode.  

Then Icarus shows up and Gohan decides to sneak out of the house to watch his dad and Piccolo driving.    I thought Episode 118 was Icarus’ last appearance, but I guess not.    Pretty sure this is it, though.    

See, I told you this guy has been in the business for 70 years.     What’s got him flustered is that Goku can’t seem to remember anything he tells him.    I mean things like “Push the pedals to make it go,” and “Welcome to driving school.”

What’s with this guy’s neck?

I think he was trying to get Goku to back into a parking place, but he ended up zooming forward instead.   

Then they end up on the highway, and inside a tunnel going down the wrong lane.   Now, in the dub, the guy tells Goku to “give him the wheel” I think.  So Goku chops it off so he can give it to him.    In the original script, he keeps saying “Cut in the steering handle”, which seems like an odd choice of words.   

The end result is the same: Goku’s car flies out of control and lands in a body of water.    The instructor tells him it’ll take him three years to pass the course, and Goku protests that he can’t wait that long, on account of the androids.

Later on, Goku seems to have gotten the hand of shifting the gear, but he still doesn’t grasp going slowly.    Post Boy sees him zip past and thinks it’s a race.

Nearby, Gohan and Icarus show up in time to see this unfold.  

The lady seems genuinely impressed by Post Boy’s off-road driving stunts.   The tragic thing about this story is that Post Boy seems to have mastered this skill, but he never gets credit for it in the form of a license.

Anyway, one thing leads to another and now Goku and Post Boy are wanted for manslaughter.    Just kidding, the instructors are fine. 

Later, they have to drive around on public roads, and if they screw around again, they’ll get expelled.   

To their credit, both of them seem to be doing a lot better this time.

Goku waves at a bus full of school kids, but the old man deducts a point for taking his hand off the wheel.   When Goku protests, he takes another point off for taking his eyes off the road.  

Then Goku slams on the brakes, causing Piccolo to rear-end him.    Everyone’s confused, but the reason he did it is because...

The bus ahead of him got caught in... uh, an avalanche?    Of water?  

It’s going to fall off the road and over a cliff, is the point.   

Goku flies through the windshield of his car to help...

... while Post Boy elbows the door off of his car.    With authority!

They catch the bus,then Goku heads over to shoot falling debris so it won’t hit anything.

Post Boy helps too.   So, a second ago, both of them needed to hold the bus, and now Post Boy is holding it one-handed.    Why did Goku even leave the bus if Post Boy could hold it and shoot up at the same time?    This episode proves that power levels are bullshit.   

The instructors are astonished.  

Goku waves goodbye to the kids while Post Boy stands with his back turned, all stoic-like.   A watchful protector.   A silent guardian.   A Post Boy.  

Goku apologizes for the disturbance, but the instructors are all smiles.   Goku asks if they can resume their practice, but the old man refuses.   

As he puts it, Goku and Post Boy are such skilled men that there’s no point in them learning from a driving school.    They hardly need licenses when they can fly, right?   

Now, in the dub, they kind of take a different approach with the punchline.  The instructor praises their rescue of the bus, and their amazing powers, but he makes it clear that these two knuckleheads have no business behind the wheel of a car, so they’ll never get their licenses, ever.    But so what, right?  They can fly, so what difference does it make?

Either way.... I bet Chi-Chi won’t like this...

Yeah, I called it.  

Why is Icarus in the house? 

Sometimes, you have to have your heroes lose.    It builds character, and it makes them feel more like people.    It also makes it even more inspirational when they triumph.    That is the lesson of this episode.    Yes, Post Boy failed today, but he’s not going to dwell on his failures.   He’s going to pick himself back up and keep living his life.    

Anyway, Chi-Chi passes out from the shock of it.    No, seriously, why is Icarus allowed in the house but Post Boy isn’t?  

Anyway, from here, we flash forward three years and.... holy crap, I never noticed before, but they have a car in this shot!    A few dozen episodes after this, we’ll see Goku driving, and Chi-Chi explaining how he got his license, but I never noticed that this very episode made it clear that Goku went back and tried again.   That’s awesome.   

It’s the morning of May 12, and it’s time for the fateful Android invasion.   Chi-Chi offers the boys a box lunch for the day, but Goku declines.  

No, Goku’s taking an early lunch today, around 10am.    His meal: a couple of no-good androids.    Big, marshmallow-y androids.   

This is it.   The waiting is over, the future is now.   The Z-Fighters will either change history or they will become history.    Z stands for the end, but not yet.  

[littlebitoffanfic]

Nightmares

The rake x reader Request: do you know the creepypasta ‘the rake’? ive got such a crush on it and I would love a nice smutty one if you would be willing to do more monster types You had always had nightmares. Ever since you were a child. They were vivid and haunting beyond belief. Your mind would dream up anything and everything from gothic horror to the most amazing dreams. As you grew up, you turned your dreams into reality by becoming an artist. Your dreams inspired you to create some of the most unusual creatures and places. With age, you learned to control yourself in your dreams. Not the dream or nightmare itself, but your actions. No longer would you be unable to move or running on the spot but not getting anywhere. In fact, you often took to mocking the more horrific dreams because the dark humour amused you. there was one which was a more consistent than the others. A presence which you quickly grew attached to. You saw it less and less of a threat and now more of a protector. The first time you met the creature properly, you were convinced it was in a dream. You had woken up with the need to use the bathroom. Barely opening your eyes, you swung your feet out your bed and quickly went to the bathroom. You didn’t turn on the light, knowing the way around like the back of your hand before returning to your bedroom. But with time, your eyes had adjusted a little more and, as you walked in, you were greeted by a monster. It was crouched at the foot of your bed and had turned towards you. Large eyes and a gaunt face. Its flesh was a light grey/white colour and its limbs were elongated and lanky. It looked human, or at least humanoid. With two arms and two legs, a torso and head with no hair on its body. And apart from large eyes, it seemed to be without a nose, and its mouth was pressed together in a fine line. For a moment, the two of you stared at each other. Normally, you could pinpoint what may have inspired your night-creatures like if it resembled an animal you may have interacted with or been interested with the day before. But you couldn’t explain this. It had to be another dream. In fact, you had ‘met’ the creature a few times before this. It had been in your mind a few times long before now. For about 2 years. You sometimes had issues where you would wake and a dream would spill out for a moment. You could be dreaming of a minotaur and when you open your eyes, its there in your room for a moment. You had seen the creature a few times when you woke and rolled over but always shrugged it off. The thought of a creature watching over you as you slept was strangely comforting because you knew it couldn’t be real. Sometimes, you dreamt of the creature when you felt needy, or partly desperate. The thought of a beast like this taking you had always driven you insane with desire, so it was common for it to appear in your dreams when you needed it. Walking into your room, you gave the creature a wide birth as you returned to your bed. Its eyes followed you closely, tilting its head to the side as you sat on your bed. You thought of speaking to it, but your mind was blurry and tired. You had a long day ahead of you tomorrow so you decided that if you could have a sleep within a sleep, it may help you. crawling under the covers, you lay down, breaking the eyes contact. A strange noise, barley over a whisper, reached your ears. Like a mixture between a hum and a purr with a slight crackle through it. You couldn’t help but smile, the noise comforting you somehow. “good night.” You whispered and slowly drifted off, every so often, that same purr echoing in your dreams. The next morning, you woke up with the dream still fresh in your mind. But it felt a little different. Looking to the end of your bed, you saw nothing. throughout the day, you couldn’t help but allow your mind to wonder back to the creature from your dream. It certainly wasn’t a nightmare. The creature, while strange to look at, didn’t try to harm you or cause you distress. And, worse of all, you felt a pull towards the creature. You had never felt so attracted to something or someone. And yet, the presents of this thing sent shivers down your spin. You wondered how tall it was when standing, how its skin felt, how it moved and what it thought. Frustrated with yourself, you grabbed your sketch book and started to draw the creature. Maybe if you moved it from your mind to paper, it would help. Once you were finished, the likeness close enough to satisfy you, you had felt tired and decided to call it a night. And he appeared again. This time, you had felt it at the end of your bed. The weight of the creature. Opening your eyes, you were surprised to see it wasn’t staring at you. Instead, it had your sketch book opening on the bed. its fingers were moving over the page. Long and slender but looked more like claws towards the end, the fingers seemed to be carving something on the opposite page of your sketch book. Curious, you sat up and moved down your bed to look. In capital letters, was the work ‘RAKE’. “Is that your name?” you asked, looking to the creature. Its eyes found your own and that same purr/hum came from its chest as it nodded once. sometimes, your creations would name themselves in your dreams, which you liked because it took some pressure off your mind to try match a name and your subconscious took care of it. “Rake.” You mused over the name, your eyes instantly going to his fingers that, now you were closer, were claws. moved by curiosity once again as you slowly extended your hand towards its own. It froze but allowed your fingers to brush against its own as you examined it. The tips were clawed and felt hard to the touch, like nails, but then it became softer as you went further up his finger and they became more like human hands. “interesting.” You mused as you turned its hand over so its palm was facing up. Placing your hand on top of its own, you couldn’t help but smile had how much bigger its hand was than your own. Your eyes moved back to Rakes, who was watching you closely as you had expected. “im just curious, is all.” You smile, a playfulness in your tone but you didn’t want to push the creature. Not even in your own dream. moving backwards, you lay back down. “My names [y/n].” you don’t know why you gave it your name, or why it would want it. But it felt right as you closed your eyes over. You could feel its gaze fixed on you once more. -------------- present time ------------ When you woke, you sat up and stretched, until something caught your eyes. Lying on your bed, was your sketch book. You had left it on your desk the night before. Sure, Rake had had in it your dream, but that was a dream for Christ sake. Or was it? Fear flashed through your body. True, the last 2 dreams had been a lot more vivid and felt real, but they couldn’t be. Reaching for your book with shaking hand, you picked it up and opened it. The sight made your heart stop. The picture of the Rake had been ripped out, but on the opposite page to where it had been, you could see the indent of where its name was. Running your fingers over it, you could feel which the page indented with the pressure. You jumped, throwing the book away from you as you looked around the room, your heart now racing. It was real and it had been here. Twice. Would it come back tonight? What did it was? You spent the whole day in fear and wanting more information. So you took to the internet. However, what you found sent chills down your spin. People had been getting killed at night. It had been reported a few times over the last few weeks in various places near you. How had you missed this? You tried to find anything about a survivor, but nothing came out. People reported a figure in the woods, moving on all fours, white with long limbs. you didn’t know what to do as the day dragged into night. You couldn’t go to bed, you were too scared to ever close your eyes. So you sat on your desk chair but moved it so it was pressed into the corner so nothing as behind you. You had a large kitchen knife and a few other things to possibly ward off an attack by you. you also put on a summer dress which you used as a nightgown because it was easy to move in. if you needed to move quickly, the dress allowed you that freedom. All that you could do was wait. but waiting was easier said than done as your eyes grew heavy. You began to blink for longer and longer, your eyes struggling to open after they closed. blink. there was nothing in your room. blink. Nothing. Blink. nothing. Blink. the rake. you jumped when you realised you had fallen asleep long enough to allow it into your room once again. It was perched on your bed once again; its knees dawn up to its chest as it stared at you. it looked between you and the bed. “why not asleep?” Its voice sent a shiver through your body. It was deep, low and had a little crackle to it like its purrs. But you didn’t know it could speak at all. “I-i-I-“ You stutter, unable to move from fear. But this cause more confusion for the creature. “Why scared now?” it asked, moving for the first time. Stretching out one of its legs, it stepped onto the floor and moved its whole body down. Its crawled towards you on all fours. “Because you’re real.” You responded, your eyes darting to the knife which had fallen to the floor. You must have dropped it in your sleep. But the Rake saw. A hissing noise filled the air and you looked back to him, nearing screaming. Its mouth had grown and now showed a number of teeth. It pounced forward at you, making you raise you hands to cover your face out of fear. But no pain ever came. Instead, you felt it take your right hand and guide it away from your face. The rake was now crouched in front of you, but due to its size, its eyes were level with your own. “Why haven’t you killed me?” You whisper to it. “interest. Curious.” It reply’s, the words rolling off its tongue as it begins to run the tips of its sharp fingers along your palm and up your forearm, not nearly hard enough to draw blood. A shiver ran through your body as the long nails raked over your skin. But it was short lived as your door bell rang twice and you heard your elderly neighbour call your name. Rake twisted towards the bedroom door and hissed, becoming more aggressive in his stance and demeanour. Instantly, fear ran through you as you grabbed its wrist. “No, please. Shes a friend. Just, just let me see what she wants.” You begged, unsure if your pleading with do anything. But apparently, it did. Rake moved back a little, allowing you to stand up. You noticed him move to your bed and his normal spot before you ran to your front door. Your neighbour, Mary, asked if you were okay as she had heard screaming and you looked pale. You laughed it off, saying you had just had a nightmare which she seemed content with the answer. She knew your dreams were often bad. She left and you closed the door over and returned to your room. You could see the rake in the same spot, waiting for you to return. You closed your bedroom door over and leaned against it, unsure of how to proceed. Slowly, you walked closer to the creature, to him. Since he was on your bed, he was now taller than you were, but you didn’t mind that too much. Standing at the foot of your bed, you raise your hand slowly so not to startle him. Rake allowed you to move your hand closer to his face so you could ever so softly brush the tips of your fingers over his skin. His eyes closed at the contact, his body seeming to relax as you grew more confident with your movements and cupped his cheek. The rake started to move forward, stepping off the bed as you took a step back and allowed your hands to drop to yours sides. The sheer size of it, standing fully in front of you was enough to make you stare in awe. It towered over you when it stood up straight. You weren’t sure if this as a intimidation tactic or why it had felt the need to step off the bed. its large hands raised, and you could see them both by your head in your peripheral vision, but you didn’t dare drop the rakes eye contact. You felt like you were in some type of hypnotic trace, unable to allow the part of you which was in charge of self preservation to demand you run. But you couldn’t. You felt one of its hands twist itself into your hair, gently pulling your head back. You broke eye contact to obey its demand as you closed your eyes, fear and adrenaline coursing through your body. Then you felt it. A breath upon your bare neck. Your eyes snapped open and you saw it had lowered its head down to your neck. You could feel its mouth open and its sharp teeth grazed the skin on your neck. You let out a soft gasp but made no attempts to stop it. In fact, your body reacted to the danger of its touch in an unexpected way. You arched your back, your head falling further backwards without its demand. You felt the hand which wasn’t in your hair trailing down your sides before grabbing the loose material of your nightgown. Its claws tore the fabric, ripping a hole in the side of your gown. With this access, its hand slipped under the fabric, touching your bare sides and sliding to your lower back. Another gasp as your hands reached out, finding its chest. But you didn’t push it away. No, your hands slid up and to its shoulders and you hung onto it for support as it bends you further backwards. With its hand on your back and the other in your hair, you allowed it to lower you to the floor as it crouched between your legs. Its mouth moved down to tease your collarbone and even gently bite the area. You gasped, a soft moan leaving your lips. Lust had long taken over your body as you felt your insides swirl with the feeling. You could feel yourself becoming hot and bothered as you clenched your thighs together in some sort of desperate attempt to control yourself. But you were past the point of no return. You knew of your attraction to this creature, its body appearing in your deepest and darkest dreams, the ones which you woke up panting and gasping for air as you cursed your body for still feeling the need. It moved the hand on your body, turning it over so the craws were facing out from your skin before tearing the material down to the hem of your nightgown. You dug your nails into his shoulders as you felt the material fall away from your legs. But the rake wasted no time as it pulled away from your collar. The hair in your hair retreated so it could tear the upper part of your nightgown. It started by placing a claw to your neck, trailing it down the front to the neckline of the nightgown before beginning to tear the fabric. Since it only only had thin straps, you moved your hands from its shoulder to pull them down, along with your bra straps. With that, you arched your back to reach under yourself, unclasping your bra and pulling it from your body to throw it away. your actions certainly pleased the creature as its head ducked down, its touch touching your skin and trailing across your right breast. You moaned, arching into it as it licked at your nipple, its teeth even grazing over the soft bud. Your hands fell above your head, offering your body to it completely as you allowed the pleasure to overtake any fear in your body. It moved to your left breast, offering it the same treatment. The cool air made the saliva on your right breast go cold and send a shiver through your body. then a snarl left its throat as it moves from crouching to kneeling between your legs, pressing its body against yours. your legs wrapped around it, pulling yourself close so you could gently grind against it, the friction offering a little relief against your now swollen clit. But because of its position, your legs were around its torso. It would have to move higher for you to feel if it had the anatomy of a male. you hadn’t seen if it had when you were looking it over. But you so hoped it did. You moved your hands to the back of its skull, feeling the soft skin which covered its head. Another growl left its lips as its head snapped up to look at you as your hands found its cheeks. There was something so primal and dominating about tis gaze that broke you. Sitting up slightly, you were able to guides its lips to your own in a desperate kiss. Its whole body froze at this, allowing you to take control off the kiss. You were surprised but it moved further up your body, hovering over you as you kissed it deeply. Wrapping your arms around its shoulder, you arched your back up and felt its chest press against your own, which cause a shiver to run through both your bodies. It seemed to like it as its arm moved under your back and pulled you up against it again. Then you felt the hardness now pressed between your legs. It throbbed slightly as you rocked your hips against it, creating a friction that made you moan into the kiss. You wondered how the rake had a cock or rather how it hid it. Perhaps it was in a sheath which allowed protection except when ‘needed’. You didn’t know, but you were most certainly happy to have made the discovery. Its free hand clawed at your sides, making you gasp and groan into the kiss before moving to your panties. In a single rip, it tore the side as the other hand left your back to mirror this and finally pull them away from your body. But it didn’t break the kiss the entire time. In fact, it seemed to be enjoying the kiss and unable to break away from it. Even when you pulled back for air, it slammed its lips back to your own. Finally, you felt the bare cock pressing against your slit. It rubbed against the area for a moment, in a almost teasing way before the rake seemed unable to control itself and slammed into you, filling you completely in a sudden movement. You threw your head back as your fingers dug into its flesh in both pain and pleasure as you moaned and gasped for air. A snarl left the rakes mouth as its whole body shakes at the feeling. Raspy pants left its lips as it began to move inside you, the speed quickly picking up. both its hands moved to grab your hips, the claws digging into your sides as you welcomed the pain. You kept your arms around its neck, playfully digging your nails into its skin when its own claws got a little too much to balance the pleasure with, in which case it would release. The room filled with your moans of pleasure and its low growls and groans along with the sound on its hips meeting yours. The rake lifted your hips off the floor slightly, add a new angle as it began to pound into you at such a speed you thought you might be driven insane. You cried out, begging for more and it was more than happy to provide with a low growl that vibrated deep in its chest, it thrusts becoming harder. Your eyes squeezed shut as your hands fell from its shoulder to your own hair. You took handfuls, pulling as you gasped for air. Your back arched and your chest against its own. There was a loud snarl and you felt its hand leave your hip to grab your right hand and pull it away from your hair. Your eyes opened in shock as it moved your arm back around its neck before it replaced your hand with its own. It took a chunk of your hair and pulled, making you cry out and arch your whole back and neck off the floor. Your other hand flew out your air to grab at the rake, only to feel it duck its head down to your neck again. This time, it didn’t just gaze your skin. You felt the nips of its bites along your lower neck, collar and shoulder to the point you cried out in pain. Its head snapped up to meet your gaze and you saw your blood on its mouth along with concern in its eyes as its hand let go of your hair. Its hips began to slow but you couldn’t stop. You were so so close and you needed it. You knew it was just trying to please you, that was obvious in the way it was trying to do what you were doing. You moved to slam your lips to its own once again. This time, you could taste your own blood on its lips and something in you broke. You darted your tongue out, licking its sharp teeth as another growl left its chest and the speed was picked up again. This time, it was harder and faster than before. You wrapped your arms around its neck, bringing yourself as close to it as physically possible as your whole body seemed to tense in anticipation. its arm slipped under your back and shoulder once again, raising you off the floor completely in its arms as it slammed into you, its own thrusts becoming sloppy but almost demented. The knot in your lower stomach tensed one final time before your orgasm swept over your body in a wave of pleasure and bliss. It felt like your skin was on fire as you moaned against its mouth, your walls pulsing in you. apparently, that was all the rake needed before a loud growl left its chest, filling the room and almost shaking it as it came deep inside you. The first thing you remembered after you came was the soft furnishing of your bed as you moved there by the rake. As it placed you down, you felt it pulling fully out of you and you suddenly felt very empty. you opened your eyes when you felt the bed dip at the end and saw it had returned to crouching at the foot of your bed, this time facing the door. You didn’t even notice the blanket that had been carefully placed over your nude body until it fell down as you sat up. “Rake?” You called out, your voice horse from the noises you had just been making. It turned its head to you, obviously confused as to why you didn’t fall back asleep. “Now what?” You ask, scared of the response. “Now I protect.” It said, its low voice sending a shiver through your spine. “Protect?” You ask, moving out from the cover to its side. “Protect. Never mated before. Now I have a mate, I must protect.” It nodded, more to itself than to you. “Im your mate?” You ask, a soft smile on your lips. “does that mean you’ll stay?” A single nod sends your world into joy as you smile widely at the rake. You press a soft kiss to its cheek before moving under the covers but with your head at the foot of your bed, next to it. Whatever was happening, whatever it was, nothing could ruin your moments of bliss as you drifted off into a nightmares sleep.

[o-taryn-o]

Watching The Last Jedi Thoughts and Reactions

I’ve been obsessed with reading Reylo fan fiction since the opening night I saw TLJ. Ive seen this movie a lot but thought it would be fun to watch it again and react. I guess I had a lot to comment on Rose and Finn and also DJ. Enjoy~

Wow these opening credits are super vague…

I really love this opening scene it’s 100% my favorite Star Wars opening.

Carrie Fishers daughter is super cool. Hux looks v tired and/or on drugs.

Sansa’s insane aunt from Game of Thrones. Love BB-8, I ship Poe and Hux more then Hux and Kylo tho. “punch it!” I love that they have enough time to say cute one liners when piloting a ship. THIS SCENE IS EDITED SO FUCKING WELL THOOOO. Its literally FLAWLESSLY edited. 2nd “punch it!” When the bombers show up my heart starts beating faster, my favorite action sequence ever. Not even thinking about how theres no gravity in space. I love Paige so much! Have I ever seen a asian woman save the day in a movie ever? Why are her hands so beautiful? I LOVE THE COSTUMES OF THIS MOVIE. I wonder where Kylo is? Finn bb!! I wonder why he’s in a storage room? This movie is SO SEXUAL. Love me some beautiful island porn. LOVE that Luke throws the saber, love subverting expectations. “Master Skywalker?” is so cute I have such a crush on Rey. Wow the huts are so cute. Daisy is literally so beautiful, want to be and also kiss her.  Progs, so cute. Rey literally doesn’t waste anything love it she takes the books later also. “Where’s Han?” and then cuts to Kylo love it. The fuck is a “cur”? ADAM DRIVER fuck. This room is so red, its so pretty. This movie is visually STUNNING. Ben’s hair is fucking glorious, also look at those LIPS! I just want him to be with Rey and happy. Ben is fucking loosing his mind Ryan made him look so broken I love it. “Prepare my ship!” is so sexy. Rey’s accent is so perfect. Literally what Luke said he doesn’t want to do he does by the end of the movie. Love poncho Rey! This island is so fucking cool I need more high quality pictures going around. The green milk is so funny. I love that Rey looks away from the creature in embarrassment but then not Ben’s naked chest. I need to take so many screenshots of this movie, theres so many moments people forget! Rey in the tree, so beautiful, I can’t wait to find out id those books give us any information next film. I hope the next film starts with the vision Rey and Ben saw next film. I want to see Reys dreams. I miss Carrie. 

Poe is so annoying, Leia is so right. What a great line, “get your head out of your cockpit”. How does Finn know what the binary beacon is? THIS is when shit goes down. I really like that everything in this movie goes wrong. “Follow my lead” so sexy. Ben is literally crying feeling his mothers presence. And yet people thing this isn’t a redemption story. *shakes my head* Even The First Orders uniforms are so crispty its beautiful. I really like that Leia saved herself. Finn looks so good in that jacket I’m so excited for his blue pants look. Chewy and Porgs is all I ever needed. The lights in the cockpit of the falcon are really beautiful. The shots in this movie are GORGEOUS. I feel like R2 has a really dirty mouth. I can’t wait for Ben and Rey to escape with the falcon from somewhere and then takeout. IM SO READY.  Luke is kinda creepy? Never liked Luke, Leia should have been the protagonist of the original trilogy. HOLDO is a BABE! Love her look and tone and everything she saids is bomb. I love that she talks about everyone else in the galaxy and the importance of keeping everyone hopeful. Why is there so much sexual tension between Poe and EVERYONE? I do feel like Poe is bi tho. Holdo is RIGHT, Poe is annoying and a dick. Sorry I don’t make the rules. He’s hot but wrong. Finn and Rose are so GOOD, it makes me so happy this whole scene. I’m sorry bb Rose I wish I could give her a hug. “Doing talking…” haha I love Kelly so much. Rose is v smart and I love that she stuns him and then drags him. DRAG HIM GIRL. All the men in this movie are making mistakes and the women are being smart this is true to life. Rose and Finn are honestly so perfect together. Its so annoying that Finn and Poe keep interrupting Rose, also true to life.  Maz in the next movie is gonna be into Reylo. Also “union dispute?” what the hell is Maz talking about? How and why does Poe know Maz? I love sleepy Rey, Ben isn’t even mad when he sees her. He looks her up and down so many times throughout this movie. He’s so in love before she is, its cute. Reys outfit is perfection. What Rey said actually wasn’t completely wrong. “s tension, a balance” REYLO! I love that they go into what the force is in this movie. Porgs on the ship is so cute, so is Rey in rain. Ben with his questions, I like that Ben is actually listening to her to see how she feels about him. HE LOOKED AT HER LIPS! WET GLOVES. Finn is so distracted. Pretty cool looks in the casino, those glasses are sweet. Finn/John is so hot. Love watching Rey with her staff. I need one of those belts. An ICON. Could listen to Rey’s theme all day. I feel so bad for the locals, Reys a little bit of a dick. Right when she decides to follow Luke I need that gif! This conversation is great but all I can focus on is the fact that Luke saids “huberous” twice always makes me anxious. I love space operas. Men failing, *a theme*. “I need someone to show me my place in all this” its Ben baby! DJ is cool, why does nobody talk about him. He’s such a interesting character. BB-8 is a badass. Fathiers are so beautiful. It was unnessicary for them to crash through the window and run inside, this whole case is too long. I can’t believe that they have already filmed most of the next movie. I like that Leia and Luke are talking. Now Reys asking the questions, she’s trying to understand him, she wants to understand him. I haven’t noticed till now how inconsistent their voices are over the force. Sleeping baby Ben is my favorite, with his calligraphy set? Precious. Did he show her his past? Or does she just believe him? I want to see the other cut scenes from Reys storyline. Its really cool to see Rey mirroring herself. This is a really cool scene. I’m so happy Ben has long hair in Episode 9. Bens already crying just from her telling him about how lonely she is!! They are eye fucking rn, I know what that look is. I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SEEING!!! Luke fucking ruins everything. Ben must be freaking out rn. Yeah get him Rey! I love this fight in the rain. Rey is right. The thing is like how do you know someones completely evil? Who makes that judgement call? This scene is cool, love the look of Yoda. Its a lot of pressure on Rey to continue the Jedi order if she’s the one who knows all the stuff in the books, Im glad she grabbed them. “The greatest teacher failure is”, “we are what they grow beyond” GREAT QUOTES. Rose is a badass. DJ is kinda right tho. “Let me learn you something big” so funny. No one can tell me Rey didn’t wash up and get pretty for meeting Ben. Ben made sure he was the first face she saw, he looks hot. Sweet hacking skills. The iron is really fun editing, they all look really good in the uniforms. The first shot of the elevator scene is so sexual, Ben holding her lightsaber in front of him with her hands in handcuffs. Oofff.  Ryan made this scene as sexy as he could. Its so intimate. They want each other so bad. Rey whispers and leans in. Ben is so soft. His trying to hard to focus on his goal of killing Snoke and saving Rey. Rose is so salty “of course you do”. I feel like everyone puts up with Poe because he’s hot,  because he’s a dick. Another failed plan. Yeah Leia get him! I love that she just shoots. Her daughter surrendering is really funny. Leia and Holdo are so cute I hope they made out one night really drunk when they were younger that was ,y first thought when they held hands. I absolutely love Holdo’s hair. Reys outfit in the throne room is so cool. She’s so strong, Ben is trying so hard to keep it together in the back. Theres no way Snoke bridged their minds. Ben got so scared when he said that. “No” she’s so strong. Ben looks so sad. Oscar Issacs ass is fine! John is really good in this scene and Rose’s scream is terrifying. Murder in Bens eyes. Its really scary that Snoke has so much control over Rey. Rey with Bens saber is all I ever needed. Bens gloved fingers are v sexy. Also THAT FLICK! When they look at each other they know, there in love. THIS FIGHT IS EVERYTHING! When DJ saids “maybe” I felt that. They are so powerful together. I love watching them fight together, can’t wait for the 9! Ben fighting off 3 guards is so hot. Rey dropping her saber and backhanding ir is really hot. Wow this moment is so intense its so quiet. Im so mad Ben didn’t stop the fleet though. The way he saids Rey, why are both of their voices so hot. I need Rey to tell him off in the next movie the way he’s telling off her parents. “Please” murders me. Rey is so smart, she knows he isn’t good yet. This is Rey’s moment of “I know what I have to do” Its crazy that Rose and Finn almost died by being beheaded! The silent part is so beautiful. Why was Phasma so far away? BB-8 in that thing is pretty weird though. Finn is so powerful. He’s super reckless in this film. Rose is so good I want to be her and slide hug her. “Rebel scum” is such a good line. Snokes lower body falling off the throne is super graphic. Ben is so mad Rey left. I can’t wait to see more of soft Ben, I don’t like him choking Hux even though its Hux. Rose and Finn are very lucky they made it below that door. I think everyone always thinks of Rose and Finn as cute and funny, but they are honestly serious and smart. So many people died in this movie. I don’t understand how they aren’t wearing goggles if its salt, they would be crying right now. This run takes a lot more time then it is distance wise. Its so pretty though, so I don’t care. Rey and Chewy saving the day is my favorite thing. “Wooh I like this!” so cute. I love watching Rey shoot. The crystal creatures are so pretty. Finn no! Yes Rose! “I saved you… dummy. Thats how were gonna win, not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.” Rose is right everyone! Listen up! Why does Ben say “no prisoners”, maybe he is bad? I love Reylo I don’t understand I believe in Ben. Is he lying to himself? Could he actually kill his mother? Luke and Leia are so sweet. Also their conversation about Ben makes everything more confusing, so he’s not gone? Aw Luke kissing Leia’s forehead is really sweet. Lukes wink is funny. This music is so good. Finn taking care of Rose is my favorite thing. The editing is so beautiful. Rey in snow >>>> Also “Lifting rocks” how does she know thats what normal Jedi start training with? Ben is such a baby in this scene, he’s so upset. I love that Rey and Finn normalize intimate friendship. Ben is the truest definition of a ‘Dark Prince’ if Ive ever seen one. I’m really glad Luke died here, its time, the sunset it really nice. 

Bens eyes say it all here. Chewy and Leia so sweet. Reys smile is so AWW. Finn putting a blanket on Rose is the best. Rey knows she’s thinking about Ben. “We have everything we need” I bet Leia had a big part in 9 I’m so sad Carrie is gone :(

This last scene with the kids is really the perfect ending, HOPE.

[myheadabovewater]

Something major happened 2 days ago. Ive been avoiding writing about it because i just hate thinking about it.

Today is Feb 21st. Back on Jan 22-23 i got really sick from something i must have caught at Os play. I thought it was covid, but my test came back negative. But yeah, it was bad. I was sick in bed for like 6 days. Then as soon as i got better, i immediately caught a stomach bug from going downstairs to do laundry. That was just like 2 days.

But i havent felt good since. Ive had lots of nausea every day, what i call "the uncomfortables", which is like restless legs but all over. I havent been eating or sleeping. I could only sleep less than 30 mins at a time before id wake back up with uncomfortables. Its been awful. Ive felt horrible and sleep deprived and very depressed.

Well two nights ago i decided i was gonna try taking my tramadol at night to help me sleep since it really doesnt help with my pain during the day anymore (i have 2 spinal diseases that cause a lot of pain in my lower back and hips). I asked F to have O bring it up to me when he also brought me my blood pressure med. F keeps all of my medicines where i cant get them and i have to ask him every time its time to take them. Another way to control me.

So i get my tramadol, and instead of just taking it right away like always, i set it down to get a drink. I happened to look at them and saw they were not tramadol. I take 300mg. I used a med checker and saw they were allergy pills. Antihistamines. ONE tramadol, and the rest generic allergy pills. They look almost exactly the same. I sent O down and he came back up with F. F acted surprised and confused. I realized what was going on as soon as i saw how he reacted. He gave me the right pills and i said nothing about it. If he truly was not switching my medication on purpose, and took allergy pills out of a tramadol bottle, he would have lost his shit. The only possibility would be that I switched out my meds for almost identical ones behind his back.

It all made sense then. Idk how long he has been giving me the wrong meds but it explains why they havent been giving me any pain relief anymore. How sick ive been, i have been panicking that something might be really wrong with me. But it was that hes been giving me wrong meds and ive been going through withdrawl. The symptoms are exactly the same, and guess what? When i caught it and got my right meds, suddenly i was all better. No uncomfortables, slept much better.

This is why im very afraid at this point. He used to be on the rescue squad for 20yrs. He knows about medications. I have insanely bad hypertension. My meds i take for it dont work well and ive tried everything. But its regularly in the high 190s-200s over around 70-80. I had a heart attack 2 years ago this month.

Antihistamines are stimulants. They Raise your bp. He knows that. Ive taken them 2 times in years when i was desperate because i had hives, and the other time my eyes had been itching so bad id rubbed them raw. And i took ONE pill. He gave me FIVE at once for god knows how long now.

He does hoard medications and takes tramadol too, so he may have just been keeping my meds for himself, but i cant really believe that. The danger of me having another heart attack or a stroke after taking five allergy pills is huge and very likely. Do i think he was trying to kill me? Maybe. I believe he is capable of it. He knew what the med would do to me. And it would just look like i had another heart attack or stroked out. I dont know how to handle it. I have no proof and this probably sounds crazy. I feel like all i can do is check all meds before i take anything, and not take any food or drinks from him if he suddenly makes me something.

Ive always suspected he might have done this one other time, years ago. But i dont wanna talk about that right now.

How calculated and evil is he? This time ive been sick too, hes asked me what med he can get me for my stomach, had S go get me gingerale and nausea meds. One time he was in here and i said i couldnt eat because of the nausea, and he goes, "you know that could be a sign of a heart attack", and then took my pulse!

And the whole time he is the one whos been making me sick. Im actually considering writing a letter to my dad and sisters about it all and giving it to my sons friends mom, and tell her if anything happens to me that looks natural or like an accident, to mail it.

[ilovelanceiswear]

Hey Brother

hello! This is my first songfic! It is on Lance and Pidges bond as brother and sister and their development together. The song is ‘Hey Brother’ by Avicii. Enjoy!

Hey brother, there’s an endless road to rediscover.

Lance picked up Pidge as she let out a snort of indignation. “No Pigeon, I’m not falling for that. You need sleep!” the boy said as he swung Pidge over his shoulder. He let out a puff of air and resigned herself to her fate. Later, Lance brought all of her electronics back into her room and set them down gingerly, then placing a sticky note on the top. The note read “be ready for our next mission after you’ve rested for as much time as you can! We are going back to Shays planet to visit again!” with a small doodle of a Pigeon in the corner.

Hey sister, yeah the waters sweet but blood is thicker.

Lance stood to the side as he watched Matt enter the castle. His chest felt tight, but he was glad Pidge’s brother was on board finally. He would no longer fill the role of Pidges brother, Matt was there for her now. He wanted to hug her and reassure her that she didn’t mess up the entire mission, but Matt was there first.

Oh, and if the sky comes falling down, for you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

“PIDGE DUCK!,” screamed Lance as a Galra approached Pidge from the back. Pidge looked behind her, eyes widening in terror as she froze in place, the Galra getting ready to swing its massive sword. Just in time Lance jumped in front of the sword, taking the hit for her. “NO!,” she screamed as blood erupted from the gash in the red paladins back. “Nononononono this isn’t happening! You’ll be ok Lance, hold on!,” the small girl muttered tho herself as she applied pressure to the wound.

Hey brother, do you still believe in one another? Hey sister, do you still believe in Love I wonder?

Pidge had been sitting in front of the healing pod, sleeping by the base as she waited for lance to come back. None of the team had been able to get her away, even to sleep or eat. Hunk brought her meals to her and instead of sleeping she passed out in intervals from exhaustion. Every so often she would mutter something to herself. She was slowly going insane waiting for her practically brother emerge from the healing pod. The rest of the team would wander in and out, waiting as well. They noticed how empty the castle was without Lances casual banter and laughter. Allura seemed more tense, Keith was more snappy and impulsive without Lance to quell his urges for casual fights, Shiro was more tired, his night terrors getting the best of him without Lance there. Pidge was quiet and reserved, only getting up to grab something she was working on. Coran just seemed sad

Oh, and if the sky come falling down, for you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

A loud swish could be heard from the med bay, and steam enveloped the small figure at the base. Pidge coughed then realized what was happening. Her brother in everything but blood was finally out. She rushed to the opening in the pod, then tripped over her blankets as she ran. But instead of cold, hard ground, lance fell on the makeshift bed the rest of the paladins-mostly Pidge, Hunk, and Keith- put together. Lance lay down face first as his mind wasn’t fully aligned with his long limbs. He felt something land on his back, something small. He smiled as he felt Pidges familiar presence, then frowned as he felt tears soak through onto his skin. He slowly got up and wrapped his long arms around a sobbing Pidge covered in blankets. “Shh-sh-shh-shh it’s ok. You’re ok,” he said as he slowly rocked her back and forth. “Don’t do that again, please,” whispered Pidge, sobs shaking her small frame.

What if I’m far from home? Oh brother I will hear you call.

“Uhh, hey Pidge? I’m in a little bit of trouble here. Can I get some help?,” asks Lance, a bit of nervousness creeping into his voice. “Coming! Just give me a secon-grrrh” she growled, taking out a large Galra behind her, trying to run toward Lances position. Lance and Pidge were sent in on a mission together, and easy recon, get in get out. Lance had gotten captured by the many guards that no one had expected to see. The ship was supposed to be uninhabited. But thankfully they were just droids and did not realize Lance still had his comms on. Pidge snuck up behind one droid and shocked it in the kneecap, short-circuiting it. She tossed Lance his bayard and they fought back to back. As soon as they were out, Lance turned to her and said “Thanks pigeon,”

What if I lose it all? Oh sister I will help you out

“God damn it!,” screamed Pidge, in the observatory. Lance was inside with her, waiting for her to finish up with whatever she was doing and put her to bed. “What happened?,” asked Lance, curiously. “I lost all my progress. I almost got every single one of the trade routes and supply runs but then the Galran security shut me out before I could,” Pidge rubbed her eyes, sending her glasses askew. Lance peered over her shoulder and pointed to something on the screen. “I’m no expert, but maybe if you use this external output as your entryway you may be able to gather data without them finding out or tracing it back to you,” Pidge stared up at Lance “But if I do that I wouldn’t be able to enter through and output?,” she said quizzically. “No I mean if you waited and hitched a ride on one of the outgoing signals you would be able to gather data from it,” Lance smiled at Pidge as she replied “Lance, that’s an amazing idea! Why haven’t I known about your skill?,” “Well, lets just say I dint get into the garrison for nothing,” the cuban boy said as he grinned brightly.

Oh and if the sky comes falling down, for you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

“Pidge, your left” “Thanks Lance,” said Pidge as she stabbed a droid in the gut. She was gonna need a lot more cover than this. Suddenly Matt was at her side, helping her. She was trying to hack into the security frame and open the doors for the Blade of Marmora but with Matt there it went 5 times faster. “Lance, cover us please!,” shouted Matt as he pressed something on Pidge’s screen. There was the sound of doors closing and Lance’s muffled shouts. “Let me in! Cmon! I’m gonna get overrun by dro-,” the young Cuban boy was cut of by a loud ‘thump’ and then it was silent. Pidge quickly undid the lock on the door as Matt rushed forward, weapon in hand. Matt was greeted with a horrible sight, Lances lanky form covered in blood and speared through with a sword. The scared man ran forward and stabbed the already on the floor Galra multiple times, then dragged Lance in, closing and locking the door as he did.

Hey brother, there’s an endless road to rediscover

Lance spit out some of the blood that was in his mouth as Matt set him down beside Pidge. The small girls eyes filled with tears as she saw the extent of the damage. “Matt, could you cover for me while I take care of him?,” said Pidge, handing her brother the green helmet with shaking hands. She slowly pulled Lance onto her lap, making sure to be careful. “Pidge if I don’t m-“ lance broke off and started coughing, the abrupt change making his chest heave. “No Lance, you’re not allowed to talk like that,” Pidge said, a little desperate at this point. “No Pidge, if I don’t make it out, bury me on Earth in Vandero and try to explore the area? Can you do that?,” lance said, his words occasionally being broken apart by coughs. “No because you are going to live!,” Pidge insisted, amber eyes filled with tears as she looked for a solution desperately. Then she realized what she could do.

Hey sister, do you still believe in Love I wonder?

She grabbed her bayard of the ground and put her other hand on the hilt of the sword sticking out of Lance’s midsection. “This might hurt a bit,” she said, looking cold but her eyes displaying sadness and depression. Lance looked frantic as she braced herself for what she was about to do. “Now pigeon, lets not be to hasty,” he said with panic alight in his eyes. “I’m sorry” said the small girl as she wrenched the sword out of his side then quickly pressed her bayard against the large opening, burning it shut. Lance was screaming bloody murder then and she winced.

And if the sky comes falling down, for you There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

Pidge stared at the large scar and traced it with her fingers as it crept along Lance’s side. “Relax Pidgey, it’s not all that bad. At least I’ll he a cool story to tell!,” said Lance for what seemed the hundredth time that day. She pressed her fingers against it, harder this time, and Lance flinched. “What happened, do we need to get you in a healing pod again I know i shouldnt have done that it was a bad ideaandimsorry,” said Pidge quickly as she started to try to push the older one toward the medbay. “Relax girl! Ive suffered worse injuries before,” said Lance as he ruffled the young girls hair. “I know, I’m just really worried about you,” sighed Pidge. “Don’t be,” said Lance as he exited Pidges room, “I’m just fine!”

What if I’m far from home?

“Hey Lance-i cant believe I’m the one saying this- what are you doing awake at this time?,” asked the small, bespectacled girl swathed in blankets, rubbing her eyes. She sat down next to Lance as he wiped his red and puffy eyes. “It’s just... Well.. we’re so far from home. What if i never get to go back to Earth? It’s stupid I know but-,” Pidge cut him off “It’s not,” she said as she cupped his face in her small hands “we all want to go home. But we need to save the universe first.” He looked away from her, tears filling his eyes again. “I know, I’m sorry,” he replied as tears fell down his cheeks. “Now lets get some sleep!,” the blanket covered girl said loudly as she rose to her feet. “I’d like that,” said Lance, a small smile gracing his lips.

Oh brother i will hear you call

“Keith? Pidge? Hunk? Anyone?,” called out Lance from the rubble, weakly. “I’m here,” said Keith in response and Lance could here some rubble shifting to his left. “Oh thank god Keith. Go find Pidge and the others, ill be ok,” said Lance to the figure to his left swathed in darkness. “You sure?,” asked Keith, unsure as to wether he should help Lance or not. Lance coughed and replied with a shaky “Yes.” He felt a growling pain in his legs and chest as the boulders pressed down on him. He wasnt ok, but the others were worth more than him. Keith looked back reluctantly, but went on none the less. And thus Lance was left alone with his thoughts and the relevation that he would die today, finally.

What if i lose it all?

“Thanks Keith, where’s Lance?,” asked the green paladin, brushing dust and debris off of her armor. “Lance? He asked me to leave him to find you guys,” said Keith to Hunk and Pidge. “Idiot!! Don’t you realize that Lance would sacrifice himself for the team?!?!? You always help him because he might be dying and still wouldn’t say anything if it were for the sake of the team! Where is he!” Keith numbly pointed North and Pidge ran, not caring if anyone followed. She couldn’t lose her brother again.

Oh sister i will help you out

Pidge saw Lance’s head sticking out of the rubble of the avalanche, eyes closed. Her face paled as she got down on her hands and knees, scraping at the rubble desperately. She glanced to her left where the rest of the paladins were watching, wide eyed. “Cmon guys don’t just stand there! Help me!,” Pidge said grunting. Hunk jogged forward, eyes still on Lances face as he mumbled out “Yeah... umm ok.” Pidge swiftly turned back to the pile of rocks and proceeded to dig, the others slowly gathering to help. Tears were starting to well up in her large eyes. Just then something grabbed her wrist.

Oh and if the sky comes falling down

“Just leave me,” Lance managed to choke out before his eyes closed again. The rest of the paladins stopped digging, but Pidge wouldn’t stop until her fingers were raw and bloody. “No lance your going to be fine ok your going to be okay we are getting you out of here into a healing pod just hang in there,” Pidge hissed as the tears slowly fell down her cheeks. Lance managed to cup his hands around her tear stained face as he lifted his own weekly.

“For you, there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do”

Pidge sank to her knees and howled in pain. The rest of the team gathered around her, not being able to talk but taking comfort in each others company. That day the team lost something important, and they would never be the same. After Pidge was done screaming her lungs out and her voice sounded hoarse and hollow she crawled over to where the red paladin lay and slowly closed his eyes. “Goodbye, brother.” the small girl said as a small tear broke free and landed on the blue chest plate. “Goodbye.”