#that was today's unsolicited venting moment

[soft-crimson]

.

[peachsukii]

₊✩‧₊ ⎯ this is honestly just a vent in the form of katsurei but i needed to get it out of my system.

cw // men being shitty, cat-calling, not proof-read

The rage bubbling inside of you was the equivalent of hot lava brewing in a volcano, waiting to erupt at a moments notice. You knew how stupid it was to feel so strongly over something so miniscule, and that if you dared to react, it would only make things worse.

Today, the anger got the better of you.

Katsuki was off in another aisle of the grocery store when it happened, searching for something he forgot to grab. You were minding your business, strolling in front of the various teas when a man approaches you, only stopping when he was uncomfortably close.

You knew something nasty was about to spew from this man's mouth. It was instinctual for women to get that gut feeling when a man approaches her in such a way.

"Need help pickin' out something?" he smirks, arms uncrossing as he leans toward the shelving. "I hear this one is great to calm women during their...you know."

Your nose crinkled in disgust, audibly scoffing as you turn to leave the aisle and find Katsuki. Before you knew it, his hand was on your shoulder, gripping roughly at the fabric of your shirt. "It's rude to walk away when someone's talking to you."

Spinning on your heel, you swipe his hand off your shoulder and cross your arms defensively. "Fuck off, you think that's a pick up line? Leave me alone, asshole."

You're turning to leave for a second time when he yells, "Suit yourself, whore. Go crawl back to your lame ass hero of a boyfriend! Dynamight should set you straight."

Red - everything blazes around you. Your fists ball at your sides as you stop in your tracks, momentarily debating on whether or not to let this strike a nerve. You're used to dealing with the shitty unsolicited opinion of "fans," but never something of this caliber. Did this guy follow the two of you into the store? Did he wait for you to separate just to insult you?

The image of your therapist pops into your head, reminding you that "it's better to walk away."

Sorry, but not this time.

"Get his name out of your fucking mouth, you piece of shit." Your voice is low, a warning that he should heed, but doesn't.

"Or what? You'll scream for help?" he walks around you in the aisle, purposefully stopping in front of you. "You women and your shitty views on men are what's wrong with this world."

Right as you're teetering on the edge of getting physical, Katsuki rounds the corner of the aisle and catches the glimpse of your tensed shoulders. He picks up the pace, power walking to your side before taking your hand.

"There ya are, let's get goin'," he grumbles, attempting to get you away from the situation before it escalated. Your fuse is extinguished for the time being, the man shouting nonsense at your backs as the two of you walk away.

"Th'fuck was that about?" Katsuki questions when you're out of the aisle. Angry tears are pricking the corner of your eyes, lips pursed and cheeks flushed with fury. He notices, choosing to save the rest of the questioning for later. "C'mon, let's get home. We'll come back tomorrow."

You couldn't hold it together anymore once you got to the car, bursting into tears over the stupidity of the situation.

"I can't believe I let that jackass get under my skin," you sob, embarrassed at losing your temper. "God, he was such a dick and I should've just-"

Katsuki reaches across the center console and tenderly squeezes your thigh. "Peach, s'fine, he should consider himself lucky you didn't swing." He chuckles to himself under his breath. "Or that I wasn't standin' with ya."

Sniffling, you sigh dramatically, batting the tears out of your lashes. "The store would've combusted. I just feel stupid, Kats."

"Don't. Shit happens, no need'ta feel stupid about it." He leans over and pecks your cheek, rubbing your thigh before letting go. "Screw dinner tonight, we'll order somethin'."

You nod as your shoulders deflate against the seat.

"That sounds nice."

some shitty dude in the grocery store approached me this morning, minding my damn business, and said some wild ass shit about women and how they're ruining the country cause i had tattoos and sweats on. i gave him a look and it took everything in me to walk away when he kept getting louder and followed me through the store. i knew kats would make me feel valid in my head.

[stormblessed95]

Hello,

I hope you have recovered fully or are recovering well.

I only wanted to say this because I am an over thinker and someone needs to tell me to shut up. I don't have any Jikook fans in real life so these are the places I vent.

I think I am either the majority or.the minority depending on which space we are in that thinks and feels that Jikook are distant and have been for a while. I don't think like only because of the car scene. Even when they are taking photos, they aren't doing it like they used to do before. Before if one of them was taking a photo of the two, generally they would be attached at the hips and in each other's face. I didnt notice them doing that in the first two episodes but I also just saw a small clip from Sapporo and they are also taking a pic but they are but distant from each other. I know it might be some miniscule to you but these are few of the instances where I felt that their relationship was beyond friendship.

I know I am over thinking it but I don't know, I don't feel as good about it I suppose. What happened to the Jikook that would literally smooshed their faces together for a photo? What happened to Jikook that were always seen hanging out prior to the hiatus. I heard about them hanging out all the time.

Yes they were busy and I get that. Jimin specially seems to have been super duper busy but he seems to have built a deeper relationship with the Hyung like but kep.a distance from the Maknae line so I am a bit confused I suppose. Out of all the BTS members, I always assumed Jikook were it and nothing would come in between so I am surprised to see work coming in between them?

I still feel like shiiitttt lol but I had to start work today anyway. Thanks for checking in though 💜

Listen, I'm not here to tell you what to think or tell you what your opinion should be. Think whatever you want. I'm sorry to say, but I'm not ever going to be the one to talk you into shipping Jikook. You think they aren't together, that's totally good by me! I hope you still love and support them as BTS, and I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy any part of the fandom you continue to participate in, including mine if you stick around anyway on my blog.

I'm just here to present facts and let you draw your own conclusions based off that. And sometimes share my opinions about them, but only with the caveat that no one steals MY opinion and must create their own 😉

So for the facts, babygirl (I use as a gender neutral terms), for as many selcas as Jikook took like this:

They took JUST as many like this, which are (edging into opinion territory just a bit here) just the same as the glimpses we've gotten of selcas taken from AYS

Close together for the selfie, but not smushed as close as they could possibly get without just going ahead and crawling inside each other. Just a normal cutesy photo

More facts! As for hanging out prior to the hiatus (where I guess now it's assumed they never saw each other not even once, which is opinion and assumption, not fact), I have a post already done about all the times Jikook were spotted hanging out outside of work (because BTS time is work).

Hint: it's less often than you think

Double hint: they were still glued at the hip, we just know they were because they say and act like they were, not because we got to see or hear about it

Triple hint: it's probably exactly the same now except we know that currently, at this moment, they choose to continue to be glued at the hip for the next 18 months at minimum

I have other posts about their dates too, but this is the one that covers the topic I mentioned above best I think

Work came between them? Is that what they said or is that what you took their words to mean based on your biases and previous assumptions?

Anywho! Thanks again for checking in on me love.

Just a bit of unsolicited advice that you are free to disregard. I think whatever you decide about how you feel about Jikook, you should consider taking an emotional step back from them, just a smidge. Nothing that is only supposed to bring you joy, BTS or any other hobby, should get you feeling so far in your head feeling so conflicted. Good luck, sending you purple hearts! 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[practically-an-x-man]

sfx instructor was extremely aggravating today. unsolicited critique and gripes on everything. throwing more on my plate even though i'm already overwhelmed. you name it.

had a friend suggest I let Eris off-rein for a bit as a way to vent. Honestly... that sounds like a very good idea.

Now I just have to figure out whether I want to start writing the Eris fic I already have planned, or make up a ficlet just for today's annoyances. Or just work on one of my other fics that I've already been neglecting, but most of them are in fluff territory at the moment and I'm not sure how well that'll go today.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

To the folks in my community: If your first response to noting my poverty is to offer to buy part of my family’s land, you aren’t being helpful. You are being a vulture!

Look, the land has been in my family for centuries and we are NOT interested in selling. Just because it “isn’t being used” doesn’t mean it isn’t valued. Even my brother, who hates this town so much he has visited less than once a year, loves the woods and swamp!

But honestly, it would be pointless to offer to buy it from me anyway! I don’t own the land, and thanks to my blasted crazy cousin the ownership is now complicated! I’m the token member of the family living in poverty, so they have no reason to need to sell. As for me, I own NOTHING and never will!!!

Still, it irks me.

Take the other day. A dude passing by offers to buy my “junk” car…the car I drive every single day and depend on. Living ten miles even from a grocery store I NEED a car! And he thinks I should be grateful for his offer since I obviously need the money.

That’s the thing that galls me. They always think I should be grateful. They are so generously by offering to take something I value deeply off my hands. Why would I so instantly say no? I’m poor, so I should just say THANKS!?!

I go to get gas, and the guy that owns the place says he desperately wants to buy some of our land for another store on the other side of the highway. He’s shocked when I say my family isn’t selling. We aren’t using it and I obviously need money. I tell him we just aren’t interested. When he keeps pushing it I say if it were up to me I’d let myself starve to death before parting with one acre of my beloved woods and farm! It’s my HOME!

He’s confused. Baffled. It’s land. A commodity. An object to be bought and sold. A thing to be developed and shaped. A resource.

No. To me it’s HOME. It’s all the world left to me. I live here and know every inch. It’s tangled up in a life time of memories and lost loved ones. Wandering the woods is just about the only thing left to make my life worth living.

Asking me to sell some of the land is like asking me to cut off a limb. There may be some reason to do it, but damned if I want to unless every other option is tried!

After Pop died we started getting tons of unsolicited mail from people and companies wanting to buy our land, or at least log it, since it was “going to waste” and a “burden”. After Mom’s stoke the mail got worse, wanting to buy everything. People sniffing blood and wanting to strip our bones clean.

I got used to it. A moment of rage every week or so when I’d get the mail, vented by tearing up the letter or post card, usually accompanied by an angry growl. (I growl. I snarl. I howl. It’s a family thing. We are wolves after all!)

Dang though, when it’s my neighbors…

They look a me with a weird mix of pity for me, pride at their generosity, and all the while eyes sparkling with not at all disguised greed.

I hate it. I also hate how annoyed they get when I say no.

I didn’t offer to sell you anything! You have no right to expect me to say yes! You aren’t offering charity, but seeing an opportunity to pounce.

You want to get a bargain, to swell with pride at your business skill while still glowing with moral superiority. Oh no, you’d tell yourself, I was’t taking advantage of her poverty, I was helping her out. Profiting from it is just a bonus.

I stay calm, and say no. Sometimes I elaborate with whatever not being mine to sell, or that I need it, or it isn’t junk, or whatever. Usually I just say no. Explaining, like today, never works. They can’t understand.

The vultures circle and circle above me, waiting for their meal. But I’m not dead yet and still have my teeth.

[plesstandby]

fine ill start studying

** a vent post ** ~ 9 days before the big exam 7 days before school resumes 3 days until I get home and when I do I'll be faced with 4 days of scrambling to get myself together I already miss my Christmas break. I am so weak. I couldn't extricate myself away from distractions and mental weariness. I wish someone was there by my side always. An invisible figure I can feel that would shake me back to the present. But then I'd be asking for a phantom and that wouldn't work out because I get too easily creeped out. So now I have to settle with mosquitos buzzing around to keep me in check. I hate going to bed feeling unaccomplished, but it seems that I'll be doing that today

I feel like jello. I'm solid and yet it is so hard for me to stand for my own self. I am unstable and a slight jiggle would cause me to abandon my well-formed statures in dumb subservience. I can't let the world do this to me. How do I make my faith feel realer than to commit to a routine that will ill me to abandon it. But in hindsight, perhaps my shaky heart is because he texted me. nothing but a well-placed and unsolicited "hey __" to shake up the pillars holding up my internal stability. crashing sounds following the great fall of my structured academic habits. and he's left again. smoothly exiting the chat with a joke that I would have made. and try as I might to smother my trembling heart with a warm towel since I couldn't afford a hug at the moment, I don't think it could soak the frigidity of my nerves that make up this different kind of hypothermia. and my heart is alive again-- frigid and slap-happy and I'm trying to get it to calm down so that I could comprehend trigonometry and chart my shots of passing up to a minimum of 90. But I think I like him and I might have a chance but I don't want to date while I'm still in highschool. And when he gets with someone else I know that I will be fine, but I still would want someone like him in my life because he inspires me to be better, to be stronger and to be more courageous with who I am. because he reminds me a lot of myself. just a bit more chipper and happy because he is free while I could only watch from as far as my own self-constructed bars would allow me. his mere existence tells me that I have the key. I just have to use it to get out here. and I want to get out, but I don't believe it. not yet at least. and it's hard to believe that I could get something good for myself. I'm still learning that I don't always have to make an effect. Sometimes it is simply trying that matters. Trying to get out of my head, trying to get out of my comfort zone, trying to speak to people and not pretend that everything is alright, and just embracing the present- and I try and I reap good results then just when I'm about to evolve, I shy away and drift back into my cage and lock it to process and reevaluate only to reach the same conclusions that I am too fearful to try. is this really me or has my instinct seamlessly integrated the fear of judgment as a controlled variable. can I really change? and I can. I can. 12/28/23 10:08 pm

[lapimpinelaescarlatta]

pffff every time i come here i have like a thousand new bots following me

im angry im extremely angry and i think im going to blow up, is like i have something that i did actually complain at the moment... but i  mean i stll having some shit inside me... and i know its not such a big thing but i cant why i have to be always the one that is agreeable and adult i cant i wanna yell ar her i find her ridiculous and pathetic always pinning after every rude and obnoxious male, and the she pretends that shes is better treated or i dont know im too sensitive so if i complain about them , and when we arent with this shitty males she is the one that acts like them.She was invited at my home and she started to yell about lliterally nothing and when i said  tone it down you are at my home , she went over to g and talked to him with and annoying baby voice uh shes is truly evil i havent seen it till today but she is bad” i was so fucking shocked... like who the fuck acts like that when is a guest at someones house ???

agh fucking speedfreaks

but at the end of the day she was just rude and idotic i should be above this but idk im tired of people coming to mu house with unsolicited diy advice, or telling me what to do, or just fucking acting like they were at their fucking home because it isnt. i live herer

ive been like 3 hours yelling at the air calling her all this shit... and im feeling as bad as her, why i cannot let go easily.. but i always feel is extremely rude to go into other people houses and have this type of attitude

i think i really want to be and hermit im so fucking tired about everything coming to my life to annoy me

i hope its pms or whatever im so fucking full of rage i need to vent to someone but i really feel  like i cannot talk to anyone they are all friends and im the odd one, the only one that it isnt addict to speed and alcohol.. also they are fucking boring when you hang out with them more than 3 days

[a-trainwreck-of-thought]

disappointment

The thought of being a disappointment is such a debilitating feeling for so many people, one of those people including me. The fear of not being enough and letting down those who believe in you serves as a constant reminder that you always need to do your best and avoid making mistakes entirely. But sometimes, the world reminds you that you are but a human, filled with flaws and susceptible to making mistakes.

Today was one of those days where I was reminded of that harsh reality, and with it came the agonizing feeling of both mediocrity and inadequacy. 

The day started off like any other day of me being stuck in a pandemic for the past two years, plain and boring. I immediately continued watching a k-drama series that I started just yesterday which I became deeply invested in. A few hours later, I had lunch and after that, I planned on taking a nap since I felt a food coma creeping in, but before I did, I saw a message on my phone of my college friends panicking in our group chat about their grade in Accounting. Seeing this, I immediately started experiencing a sense of impending doom, the food coma that was slowly creeping in instantly vanished and I rushed towards my laptop and went directly to our university’s portal to view my grade. The number that I saw on that screen made me want to burst out crying, it was as if my world was going to fall apart, the dreams and ambitions that I had seemed to slowly slip away from my grasp falling deeper and deeper to the dark void of lost hope. It was a 2.5. Such a simple number, but for us, it was a grade that signified that we failed the subject and that we should abandon our dreams of graduating with Latin honors. The overwhelming amount of pain and sorrow that I felt at that moment left me paralyzed; I just sat there looking at the screen of my laptop. From what felt like an eternity, I slowly regained awareness and immediately went to our group chat in order to vent. Needless to say, their reaction towards it wasn’t what I was expecting; they were optimistic about it. They kept convincing, what seemed like themselves, that our grades don’t define us and that we just needed to do better in the finals. I was dumbfounded, it’s as if they didn’t even take the time to grieve the loss that came with their 2.5 and 2.0 grades. I isolated myself. I felt alone in my despair. thoughts crept into my mind such as, “Am I not good enough?” “What will people think of me?” and “Am I really a failure?” I felt disappointed in myself, it was as if I let so many people down because of that number. It was utterly confusing for me since all of us worked really hard in the subject, we gained high scores in our quizzes and even gained perfect scores in all of our activities, the only low score that we gained was our midterm exam, but even then, we should’ve at least got a 3.0. I tried desperately to find an explanation, but eventually, I felt like my struggle was pointless and that I could no longer do anything about it. So alas, here we are, the day just keeps going on and on, and the disappointment that I have for myself just keeps on swelling. I fear that this will swallow me whole.

They say that “Expectation is the mother of all disappointment,” being exposed to such high expectations made me realize that it is such a toxic mindset and situation to be in, one that is enforced either by you or the people around you. It deprives you of making mistakes and it creates unnecessary consequences. Deep down, it angers me that I have to always satisfy these expectations because they were all put there without my consent, and now it’s as if I am obligated to always meet them. I wish that people knew how much their unsolicited expectations burden those who are at the receiving end of it. Ever since I became an academic achiever, I helplessly bared witness to how slowly people’s expectations of me grew. I couldn’t do anything about it since it was the only thing that made me feel as if my existence meant something, getting high grades validated my existence and made me convince myself that I wasn’t a failure. I knew that in the long run, this was going to affect me negatively, but being in the moment, I chose to be ignorant of it and just got lost in the feeling of how good it is to be looked up to by everybody. In retrospect, I acknowledge that doing well in my academics wasn’t the root of the problem, but instead the overwhelming amount of pressure that the people around me put on me. I wish that we live in a world where your existence alone validates you, and not the things that you achieve. When our achievements start to define us, we begin to establish a hyper-dependent relationship between us and our attainments; this is never an ideal situation to be in, as this introduces you to a world of torment. A world filled with disappointment, a world that stagnates your growth, a world that looks at you with a magnifying glass to see every bit of mistake that you make.

I hope that one day I can finally be freed from these chains that bind me. I wish that I no longer have to spend every day worrying about what other people might think of me whenever I commit a mistake. I want to be able to make mistakes and not be afraid about the repercussions that may come with them, I want to treat it as an opportunity to learn rather than likening it to a virus that I should stay away from. And for all of you who are like me that are struggling with high expectations, please allow yourself to make mistakes, know that failures come along with success, and always remind yourself that you are young; you have all the room in the world to grow. May we free ourselves from the chains of expectations, and may the disappointment that comes along with it crumble and get carried into the wind.

[space-kitten-606]

Favourite Person Dilemma

A/N: This is a vent fic written to keep me from doing a bunch of stupid stuff, but I still kinda wanna post this so there. This is written in relation to bpd, and based on my personal experience. I just needed to get this out of my system. In case you’re unsure, this is okay to reblog, as always. 

The last couple weeks had been anything but easy for you, Saeyoung knew this. Seeing you sulk around and isolating yourself for the majority of the time tore him apart. Yet, he knew that unsolicited advice wasn’t something you were too fond of, so he waited for you to approach him. You did come over to him once in a while, dropping your head in his lap and silently enjoying his presence. He was fine with that. You’d come out of that slump or ask him for help eventually. After witnessing your behaviour in times like this over and over again, Saeyoung had learned to understand that your distance and lesser need to communicate was not against him per se. You’d come around. And when that happened, he’d barely be able to save himself from all the affection you had to give. 

Today seemed to be like that again. Other than a quick kiss on the cheek in the morning and a half hearted smile, you held back almost the entire day. He was glad to convince you to eat with him at least. You weren’t talking much, mostly just listening to him ramble and attempting to show interest in what he had to say. You were pretty good at that most of the time. Anyone a bit less attentive probably wouldn’t even notice that you were occupied with entirely different things. Your gaze switched to your phone over and over again. While you were listening and nodding along, you kept circling through the same few social media apps, hoping for something or rather someone specific. Your favourite person. They had been MIA for days now, letting your overall mood hit rock bottom. You weren’t blaming them. Saeyoung kept catching you mumbling to yourself, how you had to remain logical and not give in to assumptions. But at the same time, he knew how much you were suffering. How you were lying in bed crying because you wanted to reach out, but couldn’t out of fear of pushing them away. How you felt this consuming loneliness inside your heart, at feeling like you’ve been abandoned, again. Whether it was the truth or not, the pain was incredibly real for you. And all he could do was watch. Watch and wait for you to get back up. 

So after all this, it gave him incredible whiplash to see you sitting at the kitchen table, smiling and humming to yourself, after he just went to fetch something from his car for a moment. 

“Did they message you again?”, he asked carefully as he walked up to the table to sit next to you. 

It was always quite fascinating how the entire feeling of you switched along with your mood. Almost like you were another person entirely. 

“No”, you shook your head, but your smile did not falter, “But Yeong Joon just messaged me. He noticed he forgot about my birthday and was very sweet an apologetic about it. He’s so adorable, isn’t he?”

You turned the screen so Saeyoung could look at it and read the messages you exchanged. To someone who wasn’t aware of the situation it might’ve been nothing worth taking special note of. You were happy about texting with an old friend. The messages themselves were also nothing special from an outside perspective. But looking at you, and knowing how you’d perceive the words on the screen, the tone in which they were written, he couldn’t help but be a little worried. Especially after your last remark. 

“I thought you had enough of him.” Saeyoung was a bit worried you might take his words as offense, but luckily you were to involved in your current emotional high to see it in a negative light. 

“Maybe I was a bit rash. He seems genuinely sorry. Also he vowed to be better, see?”

“Aren’t you taking this out of context a little? He said he’ll try to not forget your birthday next year, no more no less.” 

You huffed. “Don’t be such a downer about it. If I play my cards right now, maybe things will be like before…”

Yes. Before. Saeyoung remembered when you told him about years ago, when you and Yeong Joon would talk for hours everyday. Back then, he used to be your favourite person. The person who had your entire life in his hands. Your mood, your likes and dislikes, your self worth. Everything. Since you split on him a few years ago, you only rarely missed him or the feeling he gave you. In fact, you’d see him in the worst light. You’d talk about how he was never really interested in you as a person, how he just pretended to care. The level of truth your thoughts of him in any of those directions held, was something he’d probably never get to the bottom of. Quite a while ago, you had found a new favourite person. It was the first time Saeyoung actually got to see the impact they had on you. And how you handled it, for better or for worse. But unlike Yeong Joon, they never seemed to hurt you as much. He had the impression it worked out far better with them, and if he believed what you said that was not far from the truth. So the idea of you potentially turning away from them to go back to Yeong Joon again….

“Kitten, I understand that this is not something you know how to control, but please be careful. I remember you telling me how much he tore you apart, and I saw you falling back into that pain whenever the past would catch up with you. Are you sure that you should let him take such a big part in your life again? You’re vulnerable right now. I know you fear you’re about to be abandoned, and he feeds right into the affection you crave so much right now, but-” 

“What. Are you jealous or something? Do you not want me to be happy??” 

Saeyoung winced. Your words were sharp, the undertone and implication carrying a venom you’d only direct at someone when you felt you needed to defend yourself. Even more so because you were doubting the situation yourself. You were upset he saw the same problem you feared so tremendously. He ran head on into a minefield. One wrong move and you’d blow up in his face, damaging your opinion on your boyfriend until the next time you perception of him shifted. 

In an attempt to steer your mood a little he decided to not focus on Yeong Joon for now. 

“What about Chung Ae? Are you going to….you know.” 

The anger that threatened to bubble up from deep within you seemed to vanish within a second. Your eyes wide as plates at the question. Just another short moment later, tears welled up within them. 

“No.”, you whispered, “I don’t want to. I don’t want that. I love them, Saeyoung. I could never do that to them. I refuse. I will not let that happen. I can’t live without them, I just can’t!”

Sobbing, you let your head drop to the table’s surface. You shoulders were shaking violently, as your fingers dug into your arms. 

Seeing you like this broke Saeyoung’s heart into tiny little pieces. You were so confused and scared what was going to happen, he could see that now. Carefully to not scare you, he put his hand on your arm. He brushed up and down it in a slow rhythm. He waited for you to shrug him off and walk away. When you didn’t however, he could feel a wave of relief washing over him. He may have opened an entirely different can of worms with this, but knowing this was something both him and you were a lot better at handling than your overwhelmingly destructive anger, he couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride. This was picking the best of two evils. By the time you calmed down a little, he was probably able to convince you to go to bed and cuddle through the struggle for a bit, before sleeping over the situation. There was nothing you could do for now, other than waiting out where your moods would take you tomorrow. And Saeyoung would try and comfort you through it, as best as he could muster. 

[villainever]

God, We're All Tired: Female Conflict in Killing Eve's Season One Finale

So I'm sure 1x08 has been analysed to death, but seeing as we're winding up to the end of Killing Eve's second season (sad face), I thought I'd jump in with a completely unsolicited reflection on the ultimate culmination of Villanelle and Eve's mutual obsession and pursuit. I'll kick off by saying that from the start, we knew this moment would be interesting, for a whole slew of reasons: Firstly, from the get-go, we were shown that Killing Eve was here to subvert and reconstruct; it's deeply oriented within its genre, but it's irreverent, and even what I would describe as a reclamation of spy-fi. Specifically, it's a female-led narrative taking ownership of a set of texts and tropes that have consistently objectified and excluded women by turns. From its inception, the psychological thriller genre has delighted in a) withholding women's agency, and killing/torturing/assaulting them, both to shock viewers and to lend pathos to the motivations of male characters, and b) revelling in their "expiration" from sexual desirability, and casting the "ailing crone" as the villain orchestrating events. Killing Eve has absolutely no interest in ever reducing its women to their component parts. There are no pedestals, and there are no pitchforks. As a show, it hits all the golden points of suspense television, and completely reimagines the rest; it's a masterpiece balacing act of keeping the classic cat-and-mouse recogniseable, while allowing Eve and Villanelle to each be both the predator and the prey.

Secondly, our two protagonists are women. Highly unusual and exceptional women -- that's inarguable -- but nevertheless, they've been socialised in particular ways. What's so fascinating here is that both have been injected with a comfort in and enjoyment of theatrical violence that's usually reserved for male villains. However, even at their most ruthless, there's an innate intimacy to both of them -- unlike, say, for example, the Joker, Villanelle's flamboyance and love affair with destruction never manifest as mass-killings or the eradication of infrastructure (like blowing up a hospital). Villanelle exacts each murder with the creativity of the truly engaged and passionate, but it's always personal and unique, usually one-on-one. She doesn't have a vendetta against the world, either; she finds beauty in it -- in ice-cream and movies and nice architecture or fun clothes. Similarly, Eve is enthralled by Villanelle's flair for the deadly and the dramatic, but it's not born out of a spite for humanity, but a sense of artistry and a consuming need for some adrenaline in her otherwise numb and mundane life. These complexities muddle their emotions and motivations, and make it difficult for even the most television-literate to semi-accurately predict their storylines.

Thirdly, Eve and Villanelle are never positioned as diametrically opposed. This in itself is not exactly out of the left field -- a lot of media with a dark focal point or mature subjects introduce heroes and villains who share key traits (e.g. Sherlock and Irene, in CBS's Elementary), or even comparable goals (e.g. Black Panther's Killmonger and Nadia both want to open Wakanda's borders). In most cases, though, the antagonist will represent some kind of seduction to the 'other side', that the protagonist inevitably resists the allure of (e.g. Andy realising Miranda isn't who she wants to grow up to be -- successful but alienated -- and goes back to her excuse of a boyfriend in TDWP). But while Eve and Villanelle are very much established as one another's temptations, we also see that they'll grant the other access to a part of the world that is, for now, barred from them: Villanelle and Eve will stop each other from being bored. They "resist the allure" not because they fear moral wrongdoing, but because they cling to their respective images of themselves -- Eve, as someone "nice and normal", who happens to have a grey area for a hobby, and Villanelle, as someone independent, in control, with no lines she wouldn't cross. Way back in the pilot, we're shown that they don't actually WANT to destroy each other. Villanelle is too interesting to Eve, Eve is too attractive to Villanelle. Yes, they pose a significant threat to their respective lifestyles, but as we've had proven, they're becoming willing to risk that if it means gaining something more. They don't reflect a sinister alternative timeline of "look what you could've been" (which is inherently hero-centric, and Killing Eve pays as much attention to Villanelle as Eve), they offer each other a "look what you could still be", that is at once dark and hopeful -- something that they've really elaborated on in this second season. But 1x08, even though it is very much the symbolic collision that is the centrepiece of all chase stories, is not their first meeting. Villanelle goes to Eve's house in the (iconic) 1x05. So why not save that for the finale? Why not build and build and have that tension released right at the end? Because, crucially, 1x05 generated more tension. The show's writing is so substantial that it doesn't worry about losing its audience after the moment they've been waiting for happens. It's one of the reasons you could have the entire plot of Killing Eve spoiled, and then still enjoy every episode when you watch it yourself: it's the How that we love as much as the What. Killing Eve takes the time and space to revel in its style, characters, and setting -- but that's another essay. In 1x05, their meeting is high-octane, and crucially, it's brief. We get a snapshot of how their infatuation and fixation translates into chemistry. And they both become real to one another. Eve's last reservations begin to fade as she realises that she can survive an encounter with Villanelle, and her sense of self -- most importantly, the subconscious idea that she's somehow special -- is vindicated (Eve's slight narcissism, and how the show makes it compelling and intoxicating, is yet another thing I could go on about). For Villanelle, Eve is allowed to be more than just great hair and a worthy threat. She's someone challenging and entertaining. What's so incredible about that first meeting is that it's proof that this dynamic isn't running on mystery and fumes. It's sustainable. They continue to appeal to one another once they're in the same room together. They appeal even more. Their sexual tension skyrockets, and the whole dance becomes extremely personal. They can't write one another off as playthings, although they largely continue to attempt that, at least for a short while. With this in mind, let's move on to that finale. Not only is Eve trashing Villanelle's apartment hilarious, and a perfect articulation of the humour/danger cantilever that makes Killing Eve awesome, but it provides a critical catharsis for the audience before the actual confrontation. By this point, the price for Eve's obsession is starting to rack up -- her job is circling the drain, Niko's dodging her calls, her self-image is blurring. Eve has a whole lot of feelings, but she's allowed to express them on her own, symbolically taking them out on Villanelle by ruining her things, which become a vehicle for venting her frustrations without actually affecting their relationship. When Villanelle does arrive, Eve's ready. This scene would've worked if it was some sexy wall-leaning, banter, and Eve surprise-stabbing Villanelle in the middle of a conversation. I think that's probably how a lot of screenwriters today would've done it, scrawling it off by rote and relying on Villaneve's chemistry and Comer and Oh's excellent acting to nail the bit. Instead, we get this civil conversation, and then they lie down together, first relaxing, and then gravitating towards one another. I don't believe that Eve knew until the millisecond she decided to do it that she would actually try and stab Villanelle. I actually gave this mini-essay a title, and it's "female conflict". That's because I think that this entire sequence wouldn't have happened in a show created by men, or featuring male characters. In violent shows, we get violent conflict. Killing Eve is unquestionably a violent show, but it's distinct from its contemporaries in that the characters aren't there to prop up the violence; the violence is there to reveal and develop the characters. But after a whole season of elaborate murder and tyre-squealing pursuit, we get this stillness. Yet, it doesn't feel for even a beat like bathos. It's absolutely a climax, and it's both suspenseful and arresting. It really illustrates that the show is about fascination: they're hungry to know everything, like Eve says. There's no performative combat. We can't guess what's going to happen because neither can they. Their obsession isn't a "this town ain’t big enough for the both of us" situation. It's a "this town is only the both of us". Their worlds are reduced to each other and they don't want to squander it with fighting, because fundamentally, Eve and Villanelle are so much more similar than they are different. Again, I say this is so fitting for female characters because they see this co-existence as an option. It's so simple, but the idea of your protagonist and antagonist sighing, "Fuck, can't we just have a lie down after all this?" and making it satisfying is incredibly radical. Because it's so personal, and intimate, and human. At every interval, the writing asks, What would we actually do at this moment? Not, What precedent has popular culture set for this moment? Too often, I think we give characters responses that we've seen before in texts, because we watched/read it, accepted it, and just filed it into our own work, knowing it's what the audience expects. But this scene with Eve and Villanelle is so heart-wrenchingly in-character. It's two people charging at each other full speed, not to hit each other but to be close to one another. And like so many other tiny beats over the course of the season, Killing Eve luxuriates in this proximity. We get to breathe. It's gentle. It's a gentle pause between two people who could utterly eradicate one another, but choose not to. It's ladden as well with such a specific but familiar kind of exhaustion, and it's an act of defiance, too. Killing Eve rejects the hegemonic (and predominantly masculine) cultural assertion that conflict (or even sometimes, in the less typical texts, debate and negotiation) is the way to resolve difference, and indeed, that difference must be resolved. That one must overpower the other. That your enemy is an alien and cannot be connected with, related to. The fact is, a lot of even this first season isn't spent chasing, it's spent running. Eve and Villanelle take an interest in each other early on, and it quickly escalates from intellectual to sexual to emotional (insofar as either of them are capable of that). By 1x05, they've caught up to each other. The rest of the time, though, they're fleeing from how much they want each other, how alike they might be. And in Villanelle's Paris apartment, they concede: I love you more than I hate you. I need you more than I should. And it's with that concession that we as an audience can experience their relaxation, too. It's what we've -- consciously or not -- been waiting for. That acknowledgement. But Margot, you say, you've been talking about how this isn't about violence -- have your forgotten that Eve STABS Villanelle, literally three seconds after this? I have not, The Only Follower Who Read This Far. So why engineer all this, and then have Eve knife Villanelle straight in the gut? Because even though they have this liminal second together, their story isn't resolved. Killing Eve goes absolutely wild with power dynamics, and I could discuss that for hours, too -- Eve is older, but Villanelle is more experienced; Eve is more stable, but Villanelle is more adaptable, etc. But generally speaking -- partially because Eve is, at the beginning, something of an audience surrogate -- the scales are in Villanelle's favour. She's dangerous, clever, has no fear of legal consequences, and has more freedom and greater resources. Killing Eve is allergic to any pedestrian predictability, so it shakes up this arrangement. In stabbing Villanelle, Eve proves to both of them what she's capable of. Prior to this, they had an impression of their similarities, but this throws into sharp relief exactly how deep those run. Eve immediately regrets the stabbing, because it wasn't about getting rid of Villanelle. She doesn't want to hurt her so much as show her that Eve has power too, has recklessness too, can keep up. This interaction isn't the product of an inability to relate, but a desperation to connect. This joins them together, affirms their relationship. Eve isn't trying to dominate her, to win, not really. She's telling Villanelle what she's capable of, and equating them. We get this confirmed in how Villanelle perceives in the stab wound as a symbol of affection (2x02, 2x05), and how Eve says she continues to think about it constantly (2x05). I believe that while Villanelle always respected Eve, if Eve hadn't stabbed her, Villanelle would've remained confident that she, quietly, had the upper hand. That if ever need be, she could be more cunning and cruel and decisive than Eve. But Eve's put them in the same ring, and also removed one major wall between them -- Villanelle's murderous side is a key part of her character, and after this, she knows that Eve isn't intruiged by her despite this, but because of it, and because it’s at least partially common ground. Eve isn't Anna (another comparison I could go off on a tangent about, but I'll spare you). In sum, I think that the season one finale was beautifully rendered, and reflected Killing Eve's appreciation of itself. It let the characters interact genuinely, it refreshed their dynamic, and allowed them development separately (Eve's new understanding of her own capacity for harm; Villanelle's new experience with vulnerability, and not being able to predict others) and together (intertwining them irrevocably, further aligning them). It's one of those rare scenes where it's completely surprising at the time of viewing, but in hindsight, seems inevitable, and you can't imagine it any different. I can't make any predictions for the season two final episode other than I expect something equally unexpected, something just as loyal to the characters and their relationship, and their capacity to embrace and antagonise each other. This essay is probably borderline incoherent. It really got away from me. I set a timer for half an hour and told myself that whatever I got written in that time, I'd post. Thanks so much for your kind comments on my rant yesterday, and I hope this is at least vaguely what you were looking for, @ the people who said they'd read another. You're my favs. If you've got something else Killing Eve-related you'd like me to yell about, let me know! Or if you want to come chat, I promise I'm friendly! I’m using the tag “#villainever writes” for this rambly stuff atm, so if I ever write another of these I’ll have a digital drawer to put it in hahah

[juliebutcher]

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“Gardening simply does not allow one to be mentally old, because too many hopes and dreams are yet to be realized.” ~ Allan Armitage

  As if you need me to tell you that gardening’s good for you, good for us!

Couple of weeks ago, my friend Annie and I built a little garden for her granddaughter Lola. Annie lives in the San Fernando Valley. It took us two days! We joked about marketing our “business” as Slow Grannies Gardening!

It was heavenly!

Anne & I love the little heart-shaped leaves as they start to twine & twirl up the trellis…

  Who knew that gardening is therapeutic? Everyone! For a long time.

6 Unexpected Health Benefits of Gardening lists many of the wonderful ways:

Stress-relief and self-esteem

Heart health and stroke risk

Hand strength and dexterity

Brain health and Alzheimer’s risk

Researchers found daily gardening to represent the single biggest risk reduction for dementia, reducing incidence by 36%. Another study estimated the risk reduction at 47%! Why does gardening make such a difference? Alzheimer’s is a mysterious disease, and the factors influencing its incidence and progression remain poorly understood. However gardening involves so many of our critical functions, including strength, endurance, dexterity, learning, problem solving, and sensory awareness, that its benefits are likely to represent a synthesis of various aspects.

Immune regulation *

Depression and mental health

Plenty of your friends and neighbors have probably mentioned what a “lift” they get from a morning’s sweat amongst the lettuces and radishes. To add professional legitimacy to anecdotal claims, the growing field of “horticultural therapy” is giving proven results for patients with depression and other mental illnesses. The benefits appear to spring from a combination of physical activity, awareness of natural surroundings, cognitive stimulation and the satisfaction of the work. To build the therapeutic properties of your own garden, aim for a combination of food-producing, scented, and flowering plants to nourish all the senses. Add a comfortable seat so you can continue to bask in the garden while you rest from your labors. Letting your body get a little hot and sweaty might also have hidden benefits: as devotees of hot baths and saunas can attest, elevated body temperatures are also correlated with increased feelings of well-being. Don’t forget to drink plenty of water and know your limits.

Read the whole article; it’s truly delightful!

  “I dig the daylily because it is forgiving, unrelenting, and breathtakingly brief.” ~ Nikki Schmith

Petal Power: Why Is Gardening So Good For Our Mental Health? in Psychology Today explains the science behind the benefits:

Looking after plants gives us a sense of responsibility.

Gardening allows us all to be nurturers.

Gardening keeps us connected to other living things.

It doesn’t matter if we are seven or seventy, male, female or transgender, gardening underlines that we are all nurturers. Horticulture is a great equalizer: plants don’t give a fig who is tending them and for those with mental health problems to be able to contribute to such a transformative activity can help boost self-esteem.

Gardening helps us relax and let go.

Working in nature releases happy hormones.

Being amongst plants and flowers reminds us to live in the present moment.

Gardening reminds us of the cycle of life, and thus come to terms with that most universal of anxieties: death.

Some aspects of gardening allow us to vent anger and aggression…

…whilst others allow us to feel in control.

Last but not least, gardening is easy.

Read this one too! It’s worth it.

  “Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace.”  ~ May Sarton  Rosa ‘Frida Kahlo’

Why Gardening Makes You Happy and Cures Depression explains the two gardening “highs”:

Getting down and dirty is the best ‘upper’ – Serotonin

Getting your hands dirty in the garden can increase your serotonin levels – contact with soil and a specific soil bacteria, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of serotonin in our brain according to research. Serotonin is a happy chemical, a natural anti-depressant and strengthens the immune system. Lack of serotonin in the brain causes depression.

      Harvest ‘High’ – Dopamine

Another interesting bit of research relates to the release of dopamine in the brain when we harvest products from the garden. The researchers hypothesise that this response evolved over nearly 200,000 years of hunter gathering, that when food was found (gathered or hunted) a flush of dopamine released in the reward centre of brain triggered a state of bliss or mild euphoria. The dopamine release can be triggered by sight (seeing a fruit or berry) and smell as well as by the action of actually plucking the fruit.

Strengthening the Case for Organic ~ Glyphosate residues deplete your Serotonin and Dopamine levels

Of course, for all of the above to work effectively and maintain those happy levels of serotonin and dopamine, there’s another prerequisite according to another interesting bit of research I found. It appears it will all work much better with organic soil and crops that haven’t been contaminated with Roundup or Glyphosate-based herbicides. This proviso also extends to what you eat, so ideally you’ll avoid consuming non-organic foods that have been grown in farmland using glyphosates.

  “I breathe in… the fragrance of love, and moist sand the one his roses left on both my hands I just keep on breathing every moment as much as I can preserving it, in my body for the day it can’t.”

~ Sanober Khan

  *If you’re wondering about the whole dirt, microbes, immune system thing, Dirt has a microbiome, and it may double as an antidepressant offers a thorough, understandable explanation:

There’s now pretty good evidence to draw at least an outline of a conclusion: Breathing in, playing in, and digging in dirt may be good for your health. Our modern, sterilized life in sealed-off office buildings and homes are likely not. Researchers have already found clear evidence that childhood exposure to outdoor microbes is linked to a more robust immune system; for example, Bavarian farm children who spent time in family animal stables and drank farm milk had drastically lower rates of asthma and allergies throughout their lives than their neighbors who did not.

  “Gardening is more than a hobby; it’s a scientifically proven anti-depressant.  No wonder you like to dig in the dirt!”

The writing here in Vegetable Gardening as Therapy is fun and funny; the information is reliable and useful:

*Gardening Gets Us Out of Our Heads.

*Gardening is Exercise.

*“Nature Calms Us.”

That doesn’t happen in nature.  You’re rendered … decisionless.  When’s the last time you went on a walk in the forest or a field and decided it needed a little rearranging.  Maybe a row of Billy bookcases.  It isn’t an option so you don’t even think about it. In nature you completely give up control.  And the need to control things is what causes a LOT of stress. Giving up that control is incredibly calming.

Of course in vegetable gardening you’re constantly trying to control everything from bugs to blight but that ruins my point so let’s ignore that.

*Gardening is Nurturing.

I’ve shared my gardening opinions and advice here before, as I write to figure out this little blog:

Stop! Smell this Rose! (includes a resource list which is still relevant, perhaps useful)

I Moved a Garden … and More Unsolicited Gardening Advice

In my never-ending quest to best use all of the little space, I’m planning on using these guys everywhere!

Annie & I included a garden “tee-pee” for peas and beans to climb. It’s another great way to “grow up,” especially in smallish spaces. Three easy samples here:

How to Make A Bamboo Tepee in a Minute

Kids Gardening: Build a Bean Teepee

How To Make An Easy DIY Bean Teepee

And a final nod to the butterflies. Plant Milkweed! If you only plant one plant, plant Milkweed! The Monarchs will thank you!

Project Milkweed and the Xerces Society’s new Managing Monarchs in the West are a great place to start.

Gardening is cheaper than therapy ... and you get tomatoes! “Gardening simply does not allow one to be mentally old, because too many hopes and dreams are yet to be realized.”

[akceldudz-blog]

TAURUS

Wednesday, March 15, 2017 Are your closest connections stressing you out? Today a tense opposition between the moon and temperamental Mars forces you to take a hard look at some of your closest relationships. You don't have to sever ties with everyone who's ever angered you, but consider taking a step back from those that are more trouble than they're worth. And work on reducing stress yourself, with centering activities like meditation and yoga. Before you fire off a reply to an agitating email, get up and go for a walk. Your reply will be much more level-headed after that cool-down break. Thursday, March 16, 2017 Are your friends being as supportive as possible about your relationship goals? Maybe you just want to vent about your S.O. or a bad date without getting an earful of unsolicited advice. But don't assume they aren't being your champions if they point things out that you don't want to hear. There may be a reason they're feeling protective of you, Taurus—and it could be the way that YOU are presenting the story. Launching into a colorful tale could mean drumming up needless worry from your cheering squad. Consider your audience before you unload! Saturday, March 18, 2017 - Sunday, March 19, 2017 You're happiest with all four hooves planted on terra firma, but on Saturday you might feel a bit untethered, even confused. That's because your ruling planet, Venus, is meeting up with mental Mercury in your foggy twelfth house for the day. Don't embark on any projects that require a lot of calculation or prediction. This weekend is actually a great time for artistic musings, meditative reflection and getting in touch with your feelings. Hold off making any irrevocable commitments until next week. At the moment, you're prone to saying yes out of guilt instead of true desire. Sunday's subdued energy reminds you that there are ways to share what you're passionate about without clubbing people over the head with it. A restrained delivery could get people to listen to you with more interest. They know you as someone who gets excited about a lot of things, and perhaps you've earned a bit of a rep for "crying wolf." If you can emit an air of quiet conviction rather than shouting it from the rooftops, you'll leave them intrigued and begging to find out more.

[creaturebehavior]

i will admit, i still have that obsessive controlling addict-mindset and even though the moment i had earlier today where someone was know-it-all-splaining fantasy hair color to me, clearly completely assuming with 0 information about me that i haven’t been coloring my hair fantasy colors myself for like 8 years, has passed, i still keep playing it over in my head all frustrated at her for talking to me like i was dumb lmfao even though i know 1. her doing that has everything to do with her and nothing to do with me because she doesn’t even know me she’s a student from another class and 2. she was probably just trying to be helpful and didn’t realize she was actually being super annoying

so every time this pops up in my head and i get all annoyed i have to remind myself of those two things again. and remind myself that it’s a positive thing that i chose to stay quiet and allow her to talk down to me in case she did have anything new to say that i didn’t know already. it’s a positive thing that i have the ability to hold my tongue and i don’t have to try and prove myself to people. it’s a positive thing i am practicing this behavior as i am striving to let go of ego. i kept my mouth shut because i am practicing humility. i don’t want to interrupt people just because my ego will feel bruised if i feel like people think i know less than i do. i kept my mouth shut, because who cares if this girl who i don’t even really know and who i definitely don’t care about, thinks i know less than her? does that really matter? not at all. and like i said before, i relate so much to that behavior of offering unsolicited advice, assuming someone else doesn’t know as much as i do, and over-explaining stupid shit to people who do not want to hear it because it gives me a sense of control and i want to be helpful but am too obtuse to realize i’m not being helpful at all and nobody even asked me and i’m probably actually just pissing them off. i understand where she is coming from. this is actually not the first time she has done this to me (which i think is why it bothered me so much, because this keeps happening and i keep listening to her quietly and it makes me feel insecure whenever it happens lol) so clearly this is just how she is and i’m sure she does this to anybody and it has nothing to do with me. and furthermore, this clearly bothers me especially because i recognize her traits within myself. it’s that “if you spot it you got it” kinda thing

god, i am so crazy that i literally have to just keep telling myself this stuff every time i notice myself fixating on it again. it’s all a work in progress. one day i hope these character defects are removed from me or at least minimized even more. it’s all a work in progress. and honestly i’m grateful for these life lessons. just a year ago i never could have held my tongue and picked not to battle over something so small and stupid. 1 year ago i was in rehab with this woman named keisha who was so controlling and would talk down to me and over-explain stuff to me so much i would call it keisha-splaining instead of man-splaining whenever venting about her, and it drove me insane because she reminded me so much of myself and so much of my dad because he acts the same way (and he’s one who probably instilled this trait in me) and i was on my worst behavior just trying to make sure she knew i wasn’t stupid and make sure she knew she couldn’t control me and make sure she knew u knew more than her… it was so stupid!!! lol. but i felt like i couldn’t control it. she would jump all over me and i would jump all over her. and now, i realize, i have been practicing for over a year now to not be that way. and i have made progress, i really have. as much as i still spin out in my head, i am in a completely different place than i used to be. i’m still insane but at least i have the ability now to behave how i want to, and the ability to have that healthy internal dialogue and the ability to notice my thoughts and stop them in their tracks and change my thinking. thank god for that. it’s progress not perfection, and i am working hard all the time to make progress and it’s beginning to show. i can see it

you know what i’ve noticed about myself? i almost never jump over someone to tell them i already know about what they’re telling me. one of my biggest character defects is being a know-it-all and because of that, i have been really watching myself and learning to just shut up and listen because someone might share some information with me that i don’t know. i used to not be able to stand someone explaining something to me if i felt like i already knew what they were talking about and i would feel like i knew more than them and i wanted to make them know i knew more. now, i just keep my mouth shut. even if i do know more. i know that the other person explaining something to me completely unsolicited has more to do with them than with me. because i used to be that way. and i still am sometimes, offering unsolicited advice is part of my know-it-all trait. so i just let them tell me as if i have no idea because who cares? and occasionally, i do learn something i didn’t know, which wouldn’t happen if i cut people off telling them i already know about what they’re saying.