akceldudz-blog

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LISTEN AND LET A PIECE OF YOUR HEART BE FOREVER LOST TO HER SOUL

Discover more about Trip (the album) with excerpts from my notebook, lyrics, and credits on http://www.tripthealbum.com

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I'm slowly dying

Both inside and out

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Kinda started

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Bedroom done

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I'm fucked up.

How many times have I gotten myself off... I'm not kidding... in the last 24 hours 15-20 times... I know it's hot any I feel overwhelmed.. but these meds aren't working like I need them to.. I need to go back on the old ones... I know I'm upset with what has to happen and I know eventually this Tumblr thing has to stop too... because I know it needs to be 100% or nothing... but for now... I can live with 95% just because it's nice to see that things are moving forward for people I care about who should pay attention to that horoscope stuff n not get into arguments and pick the right audience for the right topics... or whatever it said... I wonder what the winery pays and what the job is... because saying you work at a winery almost sounds a little classy... but whatever pays the best and whatever you're successful at applying for and whatever you can competently work as is the most important... but hey what do u do with yourself... ohh I work at a winery... I dunno it kinda rolls off the tongue... don't judge parents and they're lives... they're from a different time... and you can't live your life underneath theirs... you have to live your own life... me bank is 11.99% p.a. Interest so my interest on $3000 is apparently $50 ish dollars... the fees are basically nothing as well... but the waikirie thing sounds good... where ever you have to live while u work and save money. The cousin sounds like a good idea... sounds stable... remember no ones perfect in the mind but try not to look down on someone unless you're helping them up... ur parents have their own lives and issues and that's their stuff to deal with... just letting them know you're there if they ever need to talk or they need help... but always temper it with how much time and or resources you can afford to assist with... but I'm glad things are moving forward and you're taking steps... I'm currently taking my own advice and cleaning up the spare room... boxes I don't need until I move that rug... any other crap like that pedestal fan now that the summer is dying down will go to the warehouse for the shop so I can have this place as I feel is suitable for the flow of my mind... I asked my dad today to help me move it all on Sunday... I feel overwhelmed by the heat but a few days of respite with the mid-low 20s weather will hopefully make it easier to get up and do shit tomorrow... I'm trying to get a little done now that it's cooled down... anyway things seem to be moving along and starting up pretty good for you... that really makes me happy... and as for that bear... I appreciate the thought of how it came into its existence... but you should give the bear to yourself as a gift of how much u care about yourself and u want yourself to be happy and achieve things... I guess part of that bear will always be my existence and the bear saying stop crying about everything AND GET SHIT DONE... but hey the bear has a duality to it... a little bit of me... and a little bit of you... just remember when you talk about your issues think about how the conversation will go before you have it and make amends accordingly if any issues may arise... but regardless remember you have to live your own life... and the one thing I learned about confidence... is if u know you put in the effort and you did some prep work... you enter into challenges feeling competent and able to handle them better... I'm proud of you and I hope this ball of plans and opportunities GETS BIGGER AND BIGGER..!!

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TAURUS

Wednesday, March 15, 2017 Are your closest connections stressing you out? Today a tense opposition between the moon and temperamental Mars forces you to take a hard look at some of your closest relationships. You don't have to sever ties with everyone who's ever angered you, but consider taking a step back from those that are more trouble than they're worth. And work on reducing stress yourself, with centering activities like meditation and yoga. Before you fire off a reply to an agitating email, get up and go for a walk. Your reply will be much more level-headed after that cool-down break. Thursday, March 16, 2017 Are your friends being as supportive as possible about your relationship goals? Maybe you just want to vent about your S.O. or a bad date without getting an earful of unsolicited advice. But don't assume they aren't being your champions if they point things out that you don't want to hear. There may be a reason they're feeling protective of you, Taurus—and it could be the way that YOU are presenting the story. Launching into a colorful tale could mean drumming up needless worry from your cheering squad. Consider your audience before you unload! Saturday, March 18, 2017 - Sunday, March 19, 2017 You're happiest with all four hooves planted on terra firma, but on Saturday you might feel a bit untethered, even confused. That's because your ruling planet, Venus, is meeting up with mental Mercury in your foggy twelfth house for the day. Don't embark on any projects that require a lot of calculation or prediction. This weekend is actually a great time for artistic musings, meditative reflection and getting in touch with your feelings. Hold off making any irrevocable commitments until next week. At the moment, you're prone to saying yes out of guilt instead of true desire. Sunday's subdued energy reminds you that there are ways to share what you're passionate about without clubbing people over the head with it. A restrained delivery could get people to listen to you with more interest. They know you as someone who gets excited about a lot of things, and perhaps you've earned a bit of a rep for "crying wolf." If you can emit an air of quiet conviction rather than shouting it from the rooftops, you'll leave them intrigued and begging to find out more.

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A short letter to myself

I'm writing this because the last thing I wrote may need some explanation, I don't like who I am, I have things I go to for comfort that make me uncomfortable, ashamed, I have problems, many, and most likely problems more will follow, I don't want a relationship, I still don't see a clear line between my last two relationships and moving on, I know I'm not in love, but I seek some fucked up validation from them that I know I don't really need, but even if that wasn't there I'm tired, tired of something I wanted so much... I don't want it anymore, I want to be alone, I want to find out who I am, not who I became to meet other people's standards so I didn't feel alone, I'm a person I don't want to be, not for all the good qualities I know can appear when required, but for all of the bad, I am tired.. so tired tired of the battles I still have to fight, I honestly would rather just die in my sleep. Then I wouldn't have to be this person I don't like fighting battles I don't want to win, ...... or lose... this isn't the time for me... to be in a relationship... but further from that I don't want to be in a relationship... not with you... or with anyone else... I can't keep saying this over and over... it's becoming Tiring. I just want to be alone. Hugs were nice. Kisses to. But it made me realise I don't need them. And that's not the kind of person you want to be in love with. I'm low hanging fruit. And I'm for analogies sake rotten beyond digestion now. I don't want a relationship. I want to stop feeding my demons and my issues. I keep saying I need to be alone. It's hurting me not to be alone... and here I am still having a conversation about how I need to be alone. We said a goodbye. That's it. I blocked you on everything so you wouldn't message me and would work on yourself... or start focusing on someone else and leave all the things u need to do to the side and accomplish nothing and waste your life... either way they're your choices. But I can't say it any clearer. I care about you as a friend. The love I feel for you is for a brother... someone I want to look out for... but that's it. I don't want to sleep with you anymore. I don't want to sleep with anyone. I want to be on my own... how many times must I say it before it makes sense and is understandable.... I've had a terrible life... and I just want to be alone. IT MAKES ME HAPPY... I don't have to worry about being hurt... and it's not about you and ohhh you'll be the one to do me right... no1 NO ONES PERFECT AND EVERYONE HURTS EVERYONE... but the REAL TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS EVERYONE HURTS ME... EVERY ACTION NO MATTER HOW SMALL..: IVE BECOME TOO SENSITIVE TO EVERYTHING... it's who I am now... and I accept that../ and want to be alone... so I can deal with my issues and deal with my problems.... this is becoming a broken record... I just need to be alone... I'm sorry that it hurts you... but this isn't some today decision based on youre behaviour now... this is something that existed before I met you and that I've been saying for weeks and trying to show you but you won't listen... and if you won't listen you really don't realise what type of love u feel... u feel love for being validated... not for my needs and wants... otherwise you would have been out the door the moment I explained how much pain I'm in being around anyone... I'm not feminising how ur feeling... I'm just saying the part of you that worrys about yourself is making your actions selfish... and this hurts me to go through this... I on my best day without medication struggle to get out of bed... I see life happening in front of me and I say why bother with that... I try to find purpose in life but I have no.... the only reason I'm fighting is to bring as little shame to my family as possible... otherwise I would have bought a gun and shot the cunts who destroyed my life to protect the money they make and be on the news as some psycho.... I'm done.. I'm fucking done with people ... making up lie after lie every time that a drop of truth hits them in the face... and because I'm being targeted out of revenge for another officers dismissal all my evidence falls on def ears... I have people saying they're going to kill me and my family and horrible mutilate us all and NO ONE WILL DO A THING.... I CANT SAY THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN... I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP... I DONT NEED A RELATIONSHIP... I NEED TO BE ON MY BLODDY OWN... I CHOOSE WHEN I WANT TO HEAL AND HOW I DO... ITS NOT FORCED BY SOMEONE ELSES DESIRES... this has to stop... I try to make a final break and give us both the time we need but you don't listen... you tell me you bought me a present soaked in romantic yearnings... you officially ask me out again... you don't hear how much pain I'm in because of all this onto itself... and you think of nothing but how you want to be validated by me... WHEN IVE BEEN BEGGING FOR U TO STOP FOR WEEKS... this is hurting me as much as it is hurting u now... and ur just making it more painful for yourself... it's time we left each other alone... it's time this stopped. If you don't want to take my advice that u need to focus on yourself... that's your problem... because if u look for some stupid temporary youthful relationship... you will not achieve what u could and when it's over you will feel as empty inside as you did when it started... BUT I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. This ends here tonight... FROM TOMORROW ITS OVER. If the only thing I can do for your future other then every conversation I've had with you about u achieving more from ur life. Is leave u.... then that's it. I HAVE TO GO. FOR YOU AND FOR ME. AND YOU CAN KICK AND SCREAM and shed every tear possible but it won't change the past and it won't help the future. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FOCUS ON YOURSELF. DONT BE ME. DONT LOOK FOR YOURSELF IN OTHERS BECAUSE YOURE NOT THERE... YOURE INSIDE URSELF WAITING TO BE FOUND... but this ends here on not going to watch u get a hit from our interactions that maybe something I've said 50 times was mis spoken and I want a relationship... I DONT WANT ONE... NOT WITH YOU... OR MY FUCKING SOUL MATE... MY SOUL MATE CAN GO TO HELL. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF. Where I don't feed my demons. I respect and love myself. And I make sure I follow the rules and have structure... THATS ALL I WANT ME... FOR ONCE I WANT ME... and you want you to... you just think it's in others when it's not... ITS BEING PROUD YOU ACOMPLISHED SOMETHING ON YOUR OWN. It's learning a new skill. Making it through an old issue... I pray to god you look for a relationship with yourself... because I can't do this anymore. I couldn't bring myself to clean I felt horrible. I can't feel like this anymore and you won't listen... so I have to do what's best for both of us. And that's disappear. You won't see it now but one day you'll look back and you'll know I was doing the best for you I could. TAKE YOUR LIFE BY THE HORNS AND LEARN TO RIDE IT. You don't like something about yourself... improve it... don't complain. Take action... take steps you're handsome young and relatively problem free. So u were alone in school so was I... go get a job... you'll make friends... go study ... you'll make friends... go pick up a sport or hobby... you'll make friends... stop with this online shit... you have problems speaking opening up... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT... join a drama class or a confidence class or whatever RESEARCH look for options... sitting there and doing nothing about it will leave u where I am... I have said this all before... just start living your life... as hard as it will seem at the start each step will become easier... I have to go... because I can't keep devoting my mind to this... I have serious issues to face... and I need to be strong... not in a ball on my bed. I honestly wish u the best. But I hope u wake up and start accepting reality... u can't run away from your life forever... it is right here right now... you just need to choose to live it. MENSLINE : CALL THEM WHEN U NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. Because it can't be me anymore. I wish this story had a nicer ending... but that's what life is... a train wreck of shit peppered with intermittent(occasional) happiness. FIGHT... FIGHT YOUR PROBLEMS... FIGHT FOR A SPOT AT THE TABLE THAT IS YOUR LIFE... FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR YOU.

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How many strikes before someone's out

Yes you do miss all of those shots, that you never swing for, until the games lost, but this was a game that I couldn’t play, I told you this about almost every day, it’s not that I couldn’t, but it’s is that I won’t, it would cost me too much, of what little I don’t, barely have a grip of, I don’t know my own mind, if your heart keeps on seeking, only trouble to find, I don’t even know me, I know I am lost, this isn’t the time or the place for the frost, to be wiped from my eyes, I prefer not to see, desolate and alone is where I must be, for I cannot love you, if I can’t love myself, you want things I don’t want, and this is my hell, I’m telling you no, but it’s not cas of you, it’s because I am broken, and unsure what to do, who will I be with a girl or a guy, how will I run from the monster inside, the monster he made me when I had no choice, barely a scream I could make with my voice, addicted to moments way back in time, ashamed of those feelings that cling to my mind, older or younger, no matter to me, but the shame that comes with one, it hard to believe, that I could fine soothing, such a source of pain, I need to escape, be free from my brain, I just want to let go, of all of the hurt, I need time for me, lifted out of the dirt, the things I rely on, so deep down inside, a source of such desolate solitude without pride, pride in a fighter that I never was, the things I indulged in, became who I was, the person you see, is just one side alone, a thousand all switching for I have no home, the place I will dwell in, the temple of mine, in which I be rested, I’m still yet to find, that temples within me, and yours within you, temples built in others, all fall as they’re due. I know that you care and I know what you want, but my heart beats in silence, alone and now blunt, as I must be writing, my answer is no, this isn’t old news, just repeating the flow, I love you like a brother, I care for you deep, but want I a lover, that answer is steep, steep at the top of the mountain I’m on, I wish for just solitude. For I have no home, and one day when all my Demons unfed, they’ll wither and die and I will be left, alone in my temple, i built into a home, for there are no demons, for I am alone…

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There's a bear in there... and a shit poem as well... I'm not good at this stuff

Stories are sweet, feelings are too, you'll never know, how much I cared for you, I think that you loved me, about just the same, as I felt that love for you in my brain, I stopped myself saying, one too many times, but it wasn't the kind of love you felt Devine, mine was a love, that looked in your soul, mine was a love that was made for us all, mine was a love like I love a great tree, a thousand years old, that overwhelmed me, this isn't a bad thing, we just want different things, but still I did love you, just not as you see, my love was without, the need for your body, my love was the kind where I enjoyed your mind, because I felt sane, when you were around, like the rest of my life, had burnt to the ground, there's things I can't give you, there's things that aren't right, but a love between brothers was growing in sight, the love that you had, was the love of a youth, freshly devastating, raw and removed, from what I could offer, from what I could give, that pain I will carry, as long as I live, that I couldn't keep you enough in my life, that all that I did just ended in strife, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry we lost, I know that it's better, despite what the cost, I wish you could move on, as fast as we met, I wish I had not let, your dreams come to rest, to rest at my feet where I should have done right, the moment I met you, made that our last night, so I wouldn't trick you, for my selfish needs, into loving my train wreck, and now your heart bleeds. While I cannot love you, the way that you need, know that I do love you, like a thousand year old tree, a tree I would lay on, and talk to each night, about all the monsters that bring me to fright, holding you and sleeping, relaxed not just me, but I think gave some calmness to that thousand year tree, I don't have the time or the patience to change, the problems I have, that have kept me away, I'm afraid that I'll damage the room for you to grow, so for you to keep living, it must be alone, I love everything about you, how you sway in the wind, no matter what happens, I'm always your friend...

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The moment

All work has stopped... I just wanna cry so bad but I don't wanna let myself break down... I know I'm not going to do any more work and the place is a mess now but I'm too upset... I'll start again for tomorrow but for tonight I'm just going to curl up in a ball on my bed and try and pretend I don't exist right now... I literally just wanna fall asleep and not wake up... if I could end it all tonight I would... I cared about this person a fucken lot... and now that I know it's over and we can't be friends.. I just can't take being conscious anymore.. please god take me tonight... I would be so glad if I could just escape this existence... sleeping forever doesn't seem like a bad thing... I just wish this horrible day would end.

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Pain

I decided it would be best to start blocking that pain by blocking all possibilities of seeing it or being contacted by that pain... the pain isn't a person... it's a situation... but it results in blocking a person so we don't take it back and just end up repeating shit... I know I'm hurting him just by existing and they need to learn to forget about me... it's not how I want to go about it but I am afraid they will regret their decision and I know deep down it's the right one... I was going to block all contact on here... but half of not doing it is knowing they can read this and they will know I'm sorry... the other half is... god never closes a door without opening a window... there are no ultimates.. no forever no nevers... but for now maybe this is what needs to happen... I never will stop caring... even if I can't be in their life... I just hope they fight... they fight like hell to get a life for themselves... I want nothing but the best for them... and I wish them nothing but success... for now though I must live with this broken heart and keep taking steps forward... when in reality I just want to curl up into a ball and die... I'm sorry this is the way things are... I only want to be a part of what makes you smile... I pray I can get through this... I guess one step at a time...

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Day ome

I wouldn't say disaster is the appropriate word to describe today. But I was afraid to take my meds in be alone with my thoughts... I know I'm over loaded with how much work there is to do at home... but I know it has to be done... I think half the problem with today was that it wasn't the "perfect" start I wanted... so baby akcel didn't want to start because it wasn't what he saw as the perfect start... I know half of it it what time I wake up and go to bed... more money wasted on late night take away... because this is my routine.. waste money on some last goodbye that never occurs... doing it again I write this as I go to the shops to waste more money before I starve myself... I know it's going to happen... I know I just need a perfect start to go and begin all these tasks. I know I'll force myself to go to bed at 11.30... I can only pray I stomach my fears and grow the balls to take my meds tomorrow. I'm praying that tomorrow is easier... if I can't look after myself how can I look after others properly... wish me luck... tomorrow I promise I will try harder... it's the only thing I can do... try... hopefully I take the first step like I know I need to... missing those who give a damn.