#that was someone in the anger stage of grief and going mad w it

[seethinglikeme]

seeing ppl say that dabi’s an emotionless sociopath just bc he says he is is actually annoying af to me 😭 like r u rlly gonna say the guy who thought so hard abt the families of the ppl he’s killed he went crazy, went berserk when twice died, and literally burned himself to death BC he was so emotional that his father didn’t come to see his quirk’s development is unemotional just bc he says he is? cmon babes be for fucking real 😭

[cutieasmo]

Seven

"Belphie!"

"Huh?"

"Belphie!"

"Y/N?"

"Belphie, please come out!"

"Y-Y/n?"

"Belphegor, wake up, the breakfast are up!"

"Shit!"

-

It feels so heavy these days, lack of sleeps and I also lost my appetite. Such as Beel, my twin brother. He lost his appetite and it's really feels so strange.

"Belphie...?"

"Ah? eh?"

"Belphie, are you good?"

"Nah, yeah I guess..."

"I'm worried, you know"

"I know, Beel, I'm sorry..."

He give me a frown expression, he knows how much I'm dreadful and depressed because he is my twin, he can easily read myself and so I am. We're twin after all, we can understand each other.

I miss sleeping everyday, but I guess that will never be the same as me again.

Why I had to lost them?

I just want to know, why?

I need an explanation at all.

-

the House of Lamentation is nothing but a depressed house, full of sadness. We've reached these stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

But I don't know where am I? I can't still accept the fact I had to lost them.

Y/N is the most important human for me. Besides Y/N is the human descedant of Lilith. I've already lost my younger sister, and another?

Why though? Why's this happening?

Ever since Y/N passed away. I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about them.

I can't control myself but letting my anger out. I went to the attic, to let out my anger through my heart.

You know what is the feeling of suffering about the death of someone?

They're not only the human I need but they're my lover because whenever Y/N is here I feel so safe.

That would never be happen again.

Y/N never tells me nor to anyone that they were having a sickness. I don't know what is this but Y/N said they've been suffering from a cancer. I felt my heart breaking when I heard that.

They cried infront of me, and while Y/N telling me about their sickness. I'm just speechless.

*flashback*

...

"Belphie, there's something I forgot to tell you..."

"Hm? what is it?"

"I don't know if I can tell you about this but will you be mad at me if I tell you?"

"Of course not, why would I?"

"It's a serious thing, honestly, I'm having a sickness that will never be cure."

"W-what?... what do you mean?"

"Give me your hand, Belphie."

"..."

"You can feel my heartbeat, right?"

"W-well... yeah"

"It'll stop soon"

"Y/N, I don't know if you're joking or what."

"I'm not joking, Belphie, I'm serious."

"Y/N, if you're pranking me stop."

"Belphie... It's neither a joke nor anything. I'm gonna die soon."

"I know, Y/N, you're a human but you're not gonna die and leave me alone. You're the only one I need beside me."

"I couldn't say no to you, but I'm not immortal like you, Belphie... if only I could love you without dying. I'm dying soon but I'm dying without any regrets. The life has brought me here in Devildom to meet you. Sadly, the cancer I'm having has no cure, so I'm not gonna live forever. I suffered about this sickness for more like 5 years. My white blood won and my red blood died."

"What?... Y/N? Please, what does that mean?"

"I'm having a blood cancer, or it also known in human realm as leukemia. There's no cure for it, Belphie."

"C-can I give you a new blood?"

"Belphie, no... even if you donate your blood to me. There's no other chance that'll cure my cancer."

"Y/N, I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm going to do... but I can't lost you, you know that!"

Belphie cried as you gave him a hug, you tears started to drip in your cheeks. You know it's too hard for him to accept it but there's no any choice.

"So Belphie, after the seven days my heart will stop beating but even if I die and my heart isn't beating anymore. Just always remember, that you're always in my heart whether it's beating or not."

"...Y/N..."

"I love you, Belphie, please spend the last week with me."

"I love you too, Y/N, and I'll always will."

-

Seven days has passed, when you died from your last days. Belphie was in the attic crying in his chest out.

"Belphie!"

"Shut up, I don't need any of you!"

"Belphie, please... listen to me."

"I don't need your fucking opinion, Lucifer."

"We're not here to argue with you!"

"No! *laughs* ever since Y/N is here I'm safe and feels so happy but like I said I'm gonna hate you all if I ever lost them!"

"Belphie-"

"I'm sorry, Beel but no!"

His brothers has no choice but to let out his anger. Lucifer was stressed out over his job and has no energy to do his paperworks when you passed away. Mammon is always staying in his room drinking demonus and crying over you. Leviathan is just laying in his bathtub, because you aren't there anymore to play with him. Satan felt guilty when you passed away, he hugged those books you gave him when it's his birthday. Asmodeus felt insecure and has no energy to do his daily skin care routine, since you're the only one who's helping him with it. Beelzebub has lost his appetite, just being dumbfounded nowhere after you passed away. And lastly, Belphegor, your one and only lover. For him, it's hard. His grief is making him want to die. Ever since you passed away, he couldn't sleep like he always used to do.

He has the most sorrowful feeling, feeling dreadful, has no motivation to live. He just want you beside him, hugging you while he's sleeping but it looks like it'll never happen anymore.

"Belphie..."

"Y/N?"

"Belphie, we're having a meeting"

"Not again..."

Whenever someone is calling his name, he always thought that it was you.

But it's just his hallucination.

He missed you so much.

-

One time he visited human realm with his brothers.

Whenever he sees your favourite place, he felt the pain in his heart, then he realized you weren't nowhere to be seen because you have died for like 7 years.

"Belphie, are you going somewhere?" Lucifer asks.

"Hm, yeah... I just wanted to visit someone."

Lucifer realized what he meant, so he let him go. Even though Belphie's hating Lucifer, he still cared about his younger brother. He knows what Belphie's feeling after you died.

...

"Hey, how are you? I hope you're fine. You know I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about you...

It's been seven years since I've lost you, seven years when I endured without you by my side, almost seven years I experienced the pain I feel everyday. That time you left me, a lot has changed especially you are the only person I need when I'm sad. Everytime I look at your pictures, my tears can't be stopped and end up rolling down my cheeks.

I hope that when I sleep you'd be here next to me, and my arms are around your waist but maybe that'd just be a dream because I have no hope of being with you again. If you only knew how much I mourned your loss. I hope I could at least give you one last kiss before you leave me to the afterlife.

I miss you everyday that you're not in my arms, I'm so blue that I will never see your lips smiling again.

I'll always love you, Y/N, even after your death.

I have seven last words before I leave.

I love you always, see you, love."

[mevekagvain]

Chapter 93 - Fancy chair, love it.

- So my theory is that Raizel just never learnt how to write in Lukedonian either.

- Tbh the janitor is suspicious. Like how hard was he googling M-21?

Chapter 94 - SUYIIIIIIIIIIII

- Ah geez the first of the racistly depicted characters.

Chapter 96 - Suyi getting mad at the kids for complaining about Hansu is so funny like when she first appears you think she's perhaps a stuck up celebrity or a pushover but it turns out she's just a really sweet friend.

- Suyi being stunned by Rai's looks but not falling for him (same with Yuna) is one of the things I always liked about Noblesse. Like sure in the first meeting they get blushy but I'll just jot that down to the inherent beauty of nobles since I can't relate to it at all.

Chapter 97 - Frankenstein's house always being stocked with so much food because the kids just started coming over daily is hilarious. Even funnier since Frankenstein obviously thinks it's overkill but is the one stocking up anyway.

Chapter 98 - Regis and Seira 🥺 Seira's og outfit was the best one she had like it only goes downhill from here folks.

Chapter 99 - It would have been so funny if Frankenstein went "they must be cosplayers" instead of realising the two were nobles.

- Regis taking all the initiative shows how it's his roadtrip coming of age journey which is pretty clever. Also Seira's just like that but still.

- Shinwoo stop exercising in class bro. Do not flex on the rest of us this is so rude 😭😭😭

- Regis confidently saying he's a noble in class to humans he doesn't plan on mind controlling... Baby boy why are you so dumb? How is this hiding your identity??? And Seira just lets him,,, good for her.

Chapter 100 - Ah yes their elegance boner at seeing Raizel... nobles are so fucking weird.

- M-21 thinking he won't get any information because of his time at the Union and thus being surprised at how open Frankenstein is is actually really sweet. Like yeah I still think Frankenstein is an unethical and questionable person but he is kind to most humans (werewolves and nobles can go fuck themselves I guess lmao).

Chapter 101 - The second hand embarrassment I felt when M-21 called the two noblesse... how do I even consume content?

- Yeah 100% most union members don't know the difference between nobles and vampires. I bet they'd classify jiangshi as either mutants or werewolves. Or to be more specific, that would be the classification given to low leveled members. On one hand I think it's dumb that the Union gives members twisted information because how would they even use it? But on the other hand it makes sense since it prevents said members from seeking nobles for help. After all, if they believe even the 'noblesse' are vampires that drink blood, than obviously they won't see them as possible escape routes.

- 'Noblesse only applies to one person'. Yeah because Rai's brother is fucking dead. And so is whoever was his predecessor/parent.

Chapter 102 - Those bullies got backup so fucking fast like Shinwoo literally just asked Regis and Seira if they were okay then boom! They're back.

Chapter 103- Regis going ??? essentially when Shinwoo tells him to take care of Seira is so funny like yes ofc he's confused she's literally a clan leader + noble females aren't physically weaker + noble women work out just like the men.

- Rude, Regis. You can't just ask someone why they're mingling among humans. You're doing that too. Who doesn't mingle among humans smh. Even cats and pigeons mingle with us.

Chapter 105 - Love how everyone else in the household is so sick of ramyeon like Raizel stop please you're being selfish.

Chapter 106 - Frankenstein is the definition of the 'right in front of my salad?' meme at Regis and M-21 arguing at the dinner table. Then there's Seira and Raizel just waiting for the noodles to get soggy so he can't even eat. Wish Urokai could see him getting tortured like this.

- The soldier rejecting backup because he knows the enemy is the Union hurts my heart. Wanting to prevent casualties... iwi

Chapter 107 - Shark how tf do you not know about South Korea? That's one of the asian countries people actually know about. I guess maybe it's because this is from around a decade back? K-pop is more recent and made the country more visible I guess.

- Ah yes Takeo. Forever known as "the first time I read Noblesse and he appeared I thought he was Marie's sister since they had the same hairstyle". Like I thought that before even learning about the Aris Taivra fiasco. My power 😔

- Oh don't worry M-21, Frankenstein stopped experimenting on people 830 years ago. You know, as one does.

Chapter 108 - Shark has like no general knowledge. Geography? History? Tf is that I guess.

- Tao saying they're the worst possible people for the job is so funny like yeah he's right. "All we do is massacre people in warzones why are we in Seoul?"

- The rest of the squad complain or are confused about the peace meanwhile Takeo is vibing. He's the normal guy TM of the group.

- Ah yes noble lore. If you take canon at face value than the fact that nobles were around when humans first emerged and there being about 2-3 clan leaders before the current generation means you can estimate their lifespan. Ofc it differs wildly depending on how you interpret the 'first humans' part. I'll assume there were 3 generations before the current generation (mvp lord being the third generation) and won't be adding the current generation since a 0.5-2k years is kinda meaningless. I'll also be assuming that mvp lord entered eternal sleep at around the same age as his predecessors and that he would have died soon from old age anyway (since canonically they do have limited lifespans). If we assume it's just the first human ancestors (7 million years ago) than the average pureblood lifespan is 2.33 million years. If we assume it's when homo sapiens started to emerge (300k years ago) than it's 100k years. If it's about modern humans (130k years ago) than it's 43.3k years. Regardless I'll ignore it since my hcs are that nobles are effectively immortal unless killed and that the 2-3 clan leaders is a misconception due to a mix of Gechutel just straight up lying, because there are clans that have had fewer clan leaders, because I have nobles settling on Lukedonia only 30k years ago, and because Gechutel is factoring in his own age of 10.2k so it's more like 'There have been 2-3 Ru clan leaders before the Ru clan leader 10k years ago since after we settled in Lukedonia'. There's also the possibility that nobles didn't have lords or clan leaders until a few thousand years ago in canon but the species has existed for much longer.

- 'Nobles are individualistic... They don't despise humans but don't love them either.' Humans w/ ants. Now if the ants were capable of speaking with us it'd be exactly the same situation.

Chapter 109 - "What were they researching here?" Since when does the Union research anything aside from human modifications Kranz? Why do you even need to ask? More seriously this means that the Union doesn't actually only do human experimentation and weapons lmao. The other shit just isn't relevant I guess. It's a shame, I'd have loved to see how a lab focused on like, fixing up polluted waters, would be fit into the story.

- The fact that Tao beat Jake up is never mentioned enough. Also confirms that Jake was lying out of his ass about being the strongest.

- Marie being the weakest assassination squad member is interesting like I know why Crombel doesn't need bodyguards as the reader but you'd think the Union would be suspicious of him not having a stronger bodyguard. Also I still can't believe the Union doesn't bother learning who the members are aside from the ones Crombel tells them about like. Bro???

- Shark calling Takeo uptight is hilarious because the guy literally just shot the falling ceiling light which is the opposite of uptight. Either he was preventing them from getting hurt/being caught or he wanted that to happen considering the fact that he shot it and it shattered. And then he just goes back to leaning against the wall. Takeo please 🤣

Chapter 110 - And Shinwoo's still staying over at Ikhans place. Wonder when he's gonna move back. I really love their dynamic like yeah I beg my sister to get me food all the time too. Also love the apron and skeleton hoodie.

- Shinwoo went through the five stages of grief pretty quick huh? Like yeah it's his own misunderstanding that Ikhan is dating someone but still. Homophobia is annoying as always though.

Chapter 111 - Suyi paying for their food is so sweet of her and also I relate so much like yeah mood that's me and no I don't want to be paid back.

- Takeo,,, the fact that he just hands his wallet over because he doesn't like violence and doesn't want to beat them up,,, my heart. Otoh... how did he even get cornered in an dark shady alleyway lmao.

- Aris managing to make herself look like a teenager as Taivra is interesting since Takeo says he wants her to be able to go to school like Yuna and Shinwoo when he's treating them. I guess she looks younger without makeup.

- Takeo just straight up pointing his gun at Shark in public because he mentioned Taivra... anger issues much? I understand why but taking your gun out is an overreaction.

[aspiestvmusings]

ZEP SPOILER PREDICTION?

POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD, SO BEWARE...

BASED ON EPISODE 1x01 - 1x10 + MY PREDICTIONS FOR 1x11 - 1x12

LONG & RANTY POST. NOT SO “POSITIVE” THOUGHTS, SO BEWARE: 

So... I’ve had this “feeling” since the Pilot & I kinda got confirmation for my theory in this weeks episode. And if I combine it with the s1 finale (1x12) episode summary, then it could fit, because “Zoey tries to stop something bad from happening” according to the description. 

Everyone thinks that that’s related to her dad, but... ever since that spoiler came out, I’ve suspected it’s related to someone & something else (even though it is pretty certain her dad will be gone at the end of ep 1x11 or early 1x12). I think that’s a reference to something Simon related instead. 

Zoey’s first “real” interaction with Simon was in the Pilot episode, when she heard him sing “Mad World”. In the latest episode, 1x10 he sang the same song again. And I am predicting that the song MIGHT even be heard the third time during the season...in the finale. (or maybe she’ll just come to realize why she heard him sing that again.. in 1x10)

We’ve seen how Simon has been unable to deal with his grief, to move on, to let go. We’ve seen how it has destroyed him, his relationships... everything. And if we listen to the lyrics (original song by “Tears for Fears”, the extra sad newer version by Gary Jules), and think of Simon’s behaviour (he really is the great pretender”!...as demonstated well in many little scenes in 1x02 & 1x03...for example), I think it’s possible he’s gonna try to go down the same path his dad did. And that’s the “bad thing” Zoey is trying to stop in the s1 finale. 

On this note: I can’t believe that Zoey still hasn’t figured out why Simon was put in her path..at this time. She’s not just supposed to help him, he’s supposed to help her. She’s supposed to learn from him and not make the same mistakes (since she’s not figured that out yet, she’s going down the same path as he is). Simon has been avoiding his grief, and it has made him a mess. He’s not talked with anyone about it..really, he’s not talked about it with his loved ones, and it lead to destroying himself, and his relationships. 

And guess what Zoey has been doing...ever since we met her? She’s avoiding dealing with “her daddy issues”, and it has made her a mess, and ruined many of her relationships (best friends, relatives...). Until she realizes that she’s not supposed to make the same mistakes, and she’s supposed to learn from him, it’s not good. She’s ignored or forgotten (by the next day) all good advice from her friends and family...on this.. and she can’t take it all on her own..she needs to share the grief with people who care about her... to be able to deal...with it all... 

Yet...

                      *************************************************

This weeks episode (1x10) did what I expected, and I know that the show is trying to claim everything Zoey is doing is affected by her grief...and that’s why she’s a mess, and that’s why... all... but I still can’t believe that (even if it’s the “anger” phase of her grief) she still hasn’t figured out that the lyrics of the songs that people sing tell her how she must help them. And she still, to this day, has not helped Simon with his grief. And according to the rules Mo wrote down...that’s “no good” - she must help the person singing...with the “problem” they have. She might’ve not wanted the power & it might not be fair to have to help people...especially at a time when she’s losing her dad... but they established that she must... in order to make all good. 

She can “hear” (thanks to her power) how Simon feels, and yet she hasn’t actively helped him with his grief. And I know the writers are trying to say that it’s because of her own grief (and going through the stages herself), but it has just surprised me how she focuses all her energy on pursuing the engaged (until recently) man...romantically... (obsessively, so), instead of helping him (and instead of focusing on the #1 man in her life..her dad... and I still can’t believe she’s avoided that til now... cause she’s wasted so much precious time... til the very last minute... and she now has so little time left with him...cause she’s been focusing all her energy on trying to repeat her past relationship mistakes... -- and go for the complicated, exhausting for everyone... option,-- ). She’s spent so much energy on obsessing over the engaged (til 4 days ago) man, while claiming she has no time for any romance... (her words & actions don’t match!). 

Her heart song to him in 1x08  also said “didn’t I see you crying?”, so she is (deep down) aware that that’s the emotional state she was him in, and yet they have not had a real, proper, discussion on how to deal with the grief! And hearing him sing the same song again in 1x10 should’ve told her that the man is still “stuck”...still... and that means she didn’t really help him...yet. Which means she must try to help him...again...til it works. (and in helping him she’ll help herself... and learn from his mistakes..and not repeat them..)

Also looking forward to the day when Zoey realizes that the thing that bothers her about Simon is what bothers Max about her: She doesn’t like that Max is pursuing her & yet she is pursuing Simon the same way....at a time when she claims she needs to focus on her dad. She doesn’t like that Simon has no clarity (doesn’t return her feelings... doesn’t want to start anything), but she doesn’t understand that she’s doing the same thing herself...to Max - she has no clarity herself. And if she’s allowed to not like how Simon doesn’t give her an answer & be upset that he doesn’t like her back...then it should be OK for Max to not like how she doesn’t give him/her BFF an answer & be upset that she doesn’t seem to like him back. 

The moment when she realizes tha parallels..is what I'm looking forward to. For her (and some of the viewers) to realize how the things that bother her about Max’s behaviour are parallel how she herself has behaved. (fans claim “Max is pushing Zoey to love him back & going after her...strong”, but what has she done all season? “Zoey has been pushing Simon to love her back & going after him...strong”) The two storylines are exactly the same. And that’s done on purpose on the show. 

She claims she has no time to focus on romance, cause she’s so caught up with her dad & grief, so it’s not the right time to pursue romance, yet she spends much of her screentime actively wishing for & pursuing a romace with Simon. She has the time to go to dinner with him (at a time when I expected her to practically move in with her parents...for the last few weeks), yet she doesn’t take time to actually get her BFF a “congrats on the promotion” gift...when in contrast she gets the “just-broke-up-his-engagement” man a housewarming gift... (she had 4 days to buy that pen/mouse... but she didn’t, but she got the plant for the same night. Same with telling Mo how she’s upset about the Simon news...while not even a mention of Max’s news - move to 6th floor. It’s like they really never were friends...cause she voices no concerns about losing a good programmer & friend...only “worrying” about her office crush...). #WhyAreTheyWritingHerLikeThat  #SheCanGoThroghTheAngerPhaseWithoutBeingExtraRude

To me..that shows just how much she really “cares”. And she might be grieving & a mess..but right now...she does not “deserve” Max...as her BFF (even though she needs her BFF...at this time) Until she’s done processing her grief & done some therapy, and focused on herself... she should do as she says, and focus on her dad, her family, herself. Make her words match her actions. (and yes, this latest ep provided that “turn” ..for her...and all the characters... as the sun will shine again...after the storm... but not before another “storm cloud” passes)

Or...in other news: I LOVED!!! how everyone told their truths to Zoey in this episode. She might be grieving & going through the stages of grief (but so are a lot of people around her....and they don’t create conflicts over this), but that doesn’t make it OK how she sometimes behaves. (Just like Simon grieving does not excuse any of his behaviour...where he was emotionally cheating on his fiancee, and kissing other women while still enaged... etc) So... the scenes where everyone told her the harsh truth...were some of my faves in this episode: Mo, her mom, (even Joan...through looks), Simon, and especially Max!) IMO she really needed to hear all of it! (and more) 

And this makes me sad that I am saying this, but... I wish Max/Zoey wasn’t the endgame...after all this. But it’s a fact that they are. But Max is a much better person than I am. And unlike me (I see the world in black & white only...and while I know it’s very human & all.. I am not a fan of “messy human feelings” -  it’s all just too irrational for my taste), he sees all the colours. And mostly...he loves her..unconditionally, so he’ll “forgive her”. But for me her indecisivness, “1 step forward, 2 steps back” w. Simon (”we’re done, this is over, no more” claims... which she takes back/forgets the very next moment/episode... because... -- she won’t be doing this no more.. but then she finds out his engagement ended...so she’s back obsessing over pursuing him...even though she just made a promise to herself to not do just that --) behaviour, and all that.. cannot be “excused” or “explained” with grief. It hasn’t worked...on screen...for me. But it has allowed some TOP acting from Jane, and Skylar, and John, and Alex...and everyone else. This  cast just keeps being amazing!

But no matter how much I’ll “fangirl” over the S1 finale M/Z moments and possible future M/Z endgame... for me it’s not the payoff... anymore (due to how S1 was written) ..it’s gonna be the unfortunate end result. Some people love TV drama, I just aren’t a fan of such messy drama... I’m simply too rational to get irrational behaviour (what writers & people call “very human” & “this is what grief & hurt does to a person”). I get the intent & get the reasons behind it, but it’s too irrational for me to like it. (cheating is cheating, you can’t take back what you’ve said/done...especially if you make the same mistake again...) #hurtpeoplehurtpeople

I’ve expressed some of these every thoughts in my previous tags and online comments... and now I just have confirmation from the ep that they did really take the exact route I did not ever want the show to take (once is a mistake, twice/three times is a pattern...). But nonetheless... M&Z is endgame. So...my only hope & wish is that there will be a S2, so we would see REALLY work on earning back her BFF (Max’s) trust and friendship. She has to work for it IMO. And she must be compleely honest with him...as she promised...and this now includes telling himall about her grief, “the triangle”, her moments with the engaged/just broken up man... That is the one thing that is a must. 

(And no, Max isn’t that much hurt because she didn’t ask him to stay or petty cause she doesn’t return the feelings, he’s upset cause no-one even came to say “good luck”, and his best friend didn’t even bother to get him the “good luck gift” - to him it’s like confirmation that they don’t care or appreciate him as a co-worker. It’s like his peer reviews... He’s said why he’s upset. And he’s not upset cause she doesn’t return his feelings, cause through her heart song he knows for a fact that she has romantic feelings for him + he noticed how she checked his body out (Mo’s makeover)...and that “she’s his”. He’s upset that even though she has feelings for him, she avoids them & him. And that she’s pursuing the engaged man, making him her second choice & no one wants to be the “other/second (wo)man””. She claims she can’t do more than friendship right now...cause of everything related to her dad & yet... she is pursuing more than friendship with the other guy... so once again she wasn’t honest with him... and that’s gotta hurt cause they’ve been BFFs forever...)

This latest episode, once again, used parallels...lots of them. 

Z: “You should know...what you did yesterday was really rough.”

M: “I was just..taking care of me. It wasnt personal.” 

Z: “When I told you aboout my powers, I also told you I was gonna be 100% honest with you, do you remember that? OK, so here’s the truth: I think it is personal. I think youre mad at me. Youre mad at me for not saying what you wanted to hear. And now youre trying to teach me some kind of a lesson.” 

M: “Oh, is that what you’re think?” 

Z: “That’s what I think. Why else would you take the 6th floor side? You’ve been there wor whoppin 2 days.”

M: “I dont know. Maybe because people actually like me on the 6th Floor. Do you know that Ava has said to me mor ein those 2 days than Joan  has in the last 5 years? Oh and it’s also a huge opportunity for me and my career. have you ever thought about that?” 

Z: “So you’re just gonna leave behind everybody that helped you get there? Is that the idea?” 

M: “See it how you wanna see it.” 

Z: “Nobody down here understands why Ava wanted you in the first place. Just FYI.” #ThisWasLowAndTotallyCruelThingsToSay

M: “Maybe it’s becase I’m a good person.” 

Z: “...or a very selfish one.” 

M: “YOU are calling ME selfish? Look... I have spent far too much time worrying about other peoples happiness more than my own. Especially yours. And I think that its finally time I focus on my own happiness for a change.” 

Once again the use dialogue about one relationship to parallel another relationship. If we change the words a bit & apply it in reverse, we get: 

M: “You should know...what you did yesterday was really rough.” [their 1x07/1x08 conforntation - her revealing she has feelings for him...but then taking back the words & running to another man... while claiming your focus has to be only on your dad]

Z: “I was just..taking care of me. It wasn’t personal.”

M: “When you told me about your powers, you also told me you were gonna be 100% honest with me do you remember that (Think back... have you really been that?)? OK, so here’s the truth: I think it is personal. I think you’re mad at Simon. You’re mad at Simon for not saying what you wanted to hear. And now youre trying to teach me/him some kind of a lesson.”

Z: “Oh, is that what you’re think?”

M: “That’s what I think. Why else would you avoid your best friend & obsess over an engaged man...while claiming you can’t deal with romance at this time when you should focus all your energy on your dad? You’ve known the new guy for a whopping 2+ months...compared to your best friend of 5 years.”

Z: “I dont know...:” 

M: “So you’re just gonna leave behind everybody that helped you get here (ditch your best friend, end your traditional movie nights together, dive into yet another overly complicated-exhausting for everyone-not good relationship with an engaged & grieving man...? You’re avoiding the most important man in our life = your dad, & dealing with your grief, you’re pushing away your best friend, whose always been there for you. And you’re opening up to a stranger instead of your best friend...and saying that’s a positive behaviour. Is that the idea?”

Z: “See it how you wanna see it.”

And Max’s decision in 1x09 & 1x10 was explained by Zoey's speech in 1x09..once again the two storylines are parallels as I already mentioned after last ep: 

Z: “I will never be “the other woman”. Nonetheless..I care about you. A lot. We have a chemistry & a bond that’s undeniable. And I guess I was hoping that after the kiss you’d have some clarity... about all of it. Clarity ... you still don’t have. And maybe never will. So... I have to make a change.... instead of just sitting around, and waiting...and hoping for something to happen...So..this is me...saying to you...officially... I can’t, and I won’t do this anymore. 

If we change the words a bit & apply that to M/Z, we get  why Max made his decision & what he’s really saying to her: 

M: “I will never be “the second choice (when youre my first...but clearly I am only 2nd choice for you)”. Nonetheless..I care about you. A lot. We have a chemistry & a bond that’s undeniable. And I guess I was hoping that after the heart song you’d have some clarity... about all of it. Clarity ... you still don’t have. And maybe never will. So... I have to make a change [move to 6th floor, putting distance between us].... instead of just sitting around, and waiting...and hoping for something to happen...that might never happen. So..this is me...saying to you...officially... I can’t, and I won’t do this anymore.”    

She is a complete mess & she still doesn’t realize the parallels. How what bothers her about Max’s behaviour (towards her) is exactly what bothers Max about her behaviour. If she feels she “has the right” to be upset with Simon over these things (no clarity, not telling her he likes her back), then she has to realize that her BFF also “has the right” to be upset with her...over the same things. And she keep projecting...her own fears and denial..into others. And I get what the writers wanted to say, but for me personally... it’s made me dislike the character, and the writing, and all, because I don’t really “understand” why she/writers would “excuse” it all with her grief making her “act crazy”. She keeps avoiding her best friend & her dad’s situation.

We know that it’s because with Max she’s got a lot to lose (the connection is deeper, there’s more to lose), while with Simon it feels “easy” and theres nothing to lose, cause they don’t have that deep connection. Just grief bond....which she keeps mixing with something other. And she doesn’t listen to reason from her friends: Mo, Max... and they can’t help her get through this all if she won’t let them in... 

And in the next eps...when THE DAY she’s been most scared of..arrives (her dad), shes gonna need her best friend, Max. And he’ll need her, cause he was close to Mitch, too. So they’re both gonna acively grieve. But before that they needed/need to “have hard conversations” and be completely honest with each other. The 1x10 “fight” was the turning point, now they just need time to figure things out...separately (as individuals, not as a duo) and realize...things. 

[mizu-writes-kumo]

I loved your part 2 of White Flag!!! Although I loved everyone else (bc I love me some Langst and love hurting) I liked yours the best!!! I felt like there was actually some closure and you're right the team had that hour to process everything and I see them wanting to protect him and keep an eye on him. I love that your addressing his death, esp if the team process it and talks it thorough instead of jumping to conclusions or lashing out w/o apologizing after. Thank you for another parr!!

Thank you so much!  I am glad you have liked everything comes out around this story.

But yeah, I see the team reacting in shook and horror to the fact that Lance died and they didn’t know.  And I also get that is going to make them react harshly to the idea.  And if Lance came out five minutes later, I can totally see mostly everyone kind of yelling at Lance, because it’s easy to put the blame and anger on Lance.  He died and they didn’t know, like how dare he.  But it’s all out of fear and pain, they don’t really mean everything they say to Lance, and like anger such a natural human reaction to somethings.  Not to mention the second stage of grief.  

Given some time to think and process, things become different.  Cause it’s a lot harder to be mad at someone for dying, after one realizes that the real issue is they had no idea said death even happened.  The root of the problem is kind of more visible.  So when Lance comes out, they are just the comfort him stage because it’s a lot, and they don’t know what Lance has been through in the realm.

Plus the team is not mad at Lance for dying. Cause really that’s not really on Lance in most death situations.  They are more mad because it happened and no one even knew.  Which puts a lot of factors and possibilities of how and why that happened in front of them to address about their team infrastructure.  And yeah they are all going to jump on the Protect Lance Wagon real quick (Shiro is already there and Coran is like pulling it.).

Personally, I can never really picture Shiro and/or Hunk ever snapping at Lance for dying.  I think the two of them would honestly be more scared that they would go to just make sure he was okay.  Maybe in Shiro, his worry would manifest into some stern talking/lecturing, but never yelling, and straight up followed by making sure Lance is okay and realizing he’s important to the team as an individual. Pidge, I can see sort of holding a “grudge” about it.  But ultimately it’s over really quick, and goes to stage of making sure Lance is okay.  Allura would likely internalize everything and distance herself physically and emotionally.  Just to process things, but it would come off like she doesn’t care, when really she is completely torn up.  But she would come around.  

Keith is the only one I can see being angry about it for a while and really holding on to.  Kind of digging into it all.  But ultimately it’s just because he is afraid, and he’s realize/be told repeatedly and harshly that he is being a jerk and apologize.  And not just like ‘I’m sorry for being a jerk’ like actually open up and try to explain where he is emotionally coming and reacting from.

But again, given time to process things without Lance, really gives the team time to focus blame where it’s true.  They didn’t notice Lance died (the headcanon that both Lance and Allura didn’t know has kind of become my jam because drama and it better explains it never being addressed in canon.) and they should of.  They need to make sure it never happens again, to anyone, but specifically Lance.  And they need to address the fact that it happened as a group, and talk about it like civil people.

The team is really like a family in my mind.  Families aren’t perfect, but they come to get the fix things where they can.  

So yeah, the team’s talk to going to be a lot of apologizing to Lance, and making him feel important.  You know like a “Sorry we really didn’t know that you died, this is really an issue.” while Lance is like “Didn’t realize it myself, so no big”  As well as promising to try and be better.  Among other things, cause other stuff is going to come up of course.  And they all just try to move forward as a stronger unit.

[corbierretheraven]

Overwatch: Backfire – Chapter IV: Beginning of the End

Previous chapter: Partners in Crime Tumblr, AO3, Wattpad

At the end of the ceremony, Jack was still trying to reach me. He had left a message on my voicemail:

“Ziegler, where the hell are you? I swear to God, if you do anything stup… Lieutenant Wilhelm, congr...”

Right before the ceremony ended, Atlas issued a breaking news report that aired in every holovideo on the face of the Earth, even on the ones in the event hall:

“BREAKING: OVERWATCH EXPOSED

“We just received an anonymous report from a reliable source about Overwatch’s most recent mission in London. This document talks about torture, murder and a lot of other stuff that makes us question: what the hell is going on under their watch?

“Please stay with us as we return at any moment with new information. In the meantime, Overwatch… Commander Morrison, you have some explaining to do.”

And I had to face him the next morning.

May 3, 2069 Overwatch Headquarters, Switzerland

An holovideo inside the HQ was showing a new report from Atlas:

“More on Overwatch, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve been getting reports all night long from trustful sources about corruption inside the organization. UN representatives have been following all this...”

Suddenly, all holovideos were shut down and Jack’s voice takes over the comms.

“This is Commander Morrison. I ask every Overwatch personnel to, please, head to the conference hall where I’ll be holding an official press release about the recent accusations.”

I was still in shock. But why was everyone suddenly trying to bring Overwatch down? That wasn’t my intention, I just wanted justice.

Venice, Italy

Gabriel enters Talon’s conference room, in there were Moira and Akande staring through a window — the window where Antonio had fallen through after being fatally shot by Gabriel one year ago.

— Did you hear the news?

— Good morning for you too, Dr. O’Deorain — he replies as he walks towards the coffee machine.

— Ziegler is such a fool, I can’t believe she gave in that easily. And she questioned me when I suggested we should do that.

— She acts too much out of emotion And, unfortunately — he takes a sip — so do I.

— Talking about emotions — interrupted Akande — we need to introduce you to someone.

As they arrived to what I think I can describe as the medical area of the building, Gabriel sees a woman who appears to be under coma.

— Is that…

— Let me introduce you — said Akande — to Amélie Lacroix.

That was Gérard Lacroix’s wife. Gabriel’s last remaining friend’s wife. She had been missing for over three weeks now.

— What has she been doing here?! — He shouted to Moira.

— Meet… subject #94.

Talon tried murdering Gérard several times, even at the Roman HQ attack, but they’d always fail. This time, they decided to kidnap his wife, Amélie, and use her against him.

— W-What are you gonna do?

— This is where you put your personal wishes aside, Reyes, and focus on what is really important.

— I don’t understand, Moira. Angela has done more than enough to shut Overwatch down, and now even more people are leaking stuff Morrison kept on our most secure servers. What does Gérard have to do with this?

— He has to die — she slowly said.

— It’s part of the plan, Reyes. Just be thankful Morrison was chosen to be the strike commander, otherwise — Akande said as he got closer to Gabriel’s face, pointing at him — it would’ve been you we would be chasing.

— Your skills leading Blackwatch were extraordinary and killing Antonio was… grand. I mean, it was my decision after all.

Gabriel was confused. He remembers pulling the trigger, he remembers killing Antonio. But he never realized why he did it. His anger for Antonio was a strong point for sure, but would that have been enough?

— Our experiments, twenty-four — Moira continued — are reaching explendid levels. I could not be prouder.

— What are you saying?

— I need help to shape Talon as of my will. When I first met Akande, I saw someone I could trust, with the anger, say, fuel it takes. Our experiments back on Blackwatch allowed me to implant one rule inside your brain: kill Antonio no matter what. And, with the help of your grief for Gérard and those killed in Rome, it worked.

— I can’t believe it... I can’t believe you! How could you do this to me, Moira?! WHAT ARE YOU TURNING ME INTO?!

As Gabriel started to get agitated again, his body turned into the shadowy figure again. Moira was going too far.

— Great work, Moira — congratulated Akande. — Let’s wake Amélie up and continue our plan. And finish your job with grim reaper over there.

As Akande walked out of the room, Moira gave a little smirk. “Grim reaper,” that did not sound bad.

She walked to the corner of the room, revealing another bed, but it had some kind of armor or suit on it. As she took the mask off, the shadow figure was pulled into it, like it was being attracted by something. She puts the mask back on. It had a really peculiar shape, kind of resembles a skull with a weird look — like anger… or even remorse?

At the conference hall, me, Lena, Reinhardt, Torbjörn, Jesse and Genji were standing on the stage waiting for Jack to start his speech — there was still no sign of Gabriel and Moira, he had given up contacting them both.

Jack goes up the stage and got ready to speak. The seats were full, every single person who worked at the Swiss HQ was there.

— Ladies and gentlemen, I’m Commander Jack Morrison. To my right, the strike team which was able to stop the Null Sector a few days ago: Reinhardt Wilhelm, Torbjörn Lindholm, Lena Oxton and… Angela Ziegler.

That pause made me really uncomfortable. Of course he knew I screwed up. I didn’t want the leak to reach this level. Why didn’t I think this through?!

— To my left — he continued — part of the Blackwatch team: Jesse McCree and Genji Shimada. Unfortunately, I was not able to get ahold of Commander Gabriel Reyes and Dr. Moira O’Deorain, and I really hope they were not involved in this mess. Now, let me tell you all something. Believe it or not, Overwatch is just like any other military organization. We fight for peace with guns. There’s gonna be blood and there are circumstances which the choices are going to be justified by the means. I condemn the recent “leak” of Overwatch and Blackwatch activity. I will not resign my current position as Strike Commander and leader of Overwatch, this is when I’ll stand up for my organization and my beliefs as most as I can. I’ll be sending to all of you a document I’ve written myself about how we are gonna spend the future days in this organization. Reach me for any further doubts after reading it. Dismissed.

Everyone started to leave the room.

As I stood up, Jack walked towards me. He was mad.

— Ziegler...

He was interrupted by one of my assistants who rushed towards me.

— Dr. Ziegler! Dr. Ziegler! It’s an emergency! You need to come now!

I followed her in a rush. As I looked back, Jack was still standing there, looking at me with disapproval.

Why was I stupid enough to leak the information without knowing what would happen after it? I only wanted justice, not destruction.

We got to the medical ward of the building. In one of the beds, this woman was lying unconscious. Her face was so familiar to me. My assistant explained to me she was found right outside the headquarters, wandering, then passed out in the arms of the agent who was escorting her out. She handed me the file with information they could get on her through our identification system: it was Amélie Lacroix. Of course I knew her, General Gérard Lacroix’s wife! Problem is… She had been missing for the past three weeks. How the hell did she happen to randomly show up at Overwatch? I should’ve known something wasn’t right.

I start examining her. Apparently she had just collapsed due to lack of hydration. After a while, she regained consciousness. I asked someone to call for a criminal agent to talk to her about her disappearance.

Amélie said she didn’t remember anything. Her last memory is going to bed and then waking up at our facility. We examined her body for criminal signs, but there was nothing. She was literally fine.

Gabriel and Moira had already returned to the facility at this time. Jack didn’t really cared to ask them where they were… If only he did. Moira also helped me run tests on Amélie. We, then, contacted Gérard, who spent one full day alone with her. Nothing seemed wrong.

The following day, I authorized her release. She was clinically well, there was no reason to keep her with us. She went home with Gérard, who took a couple days off to take care of her — also because of all the controversy that was falling down the organization after I leaked that stupid file.

One day later… Things got even worse.

We had no idea such thing could happen.

Gérard was found dead.

And Amélie was missing once again.

All those days went by and Jack did not say one word to me. He’d spend all day locked up in his office. Gabriel didn’t even show up at the headquarters for a couple weeks. At the time, I thought he was having a tough time dealing with the loss of his friend, only to learn later he couldn’t deal with the guilt and the feeling of being powerless against Talon, thanks to Moira.

The United Stations had started the bureaucratic process of analyzing the accusations, which would take at least one year. In the meantime, Overwatch — and, consequently, Blackwatch — activity would keep on going.

With all our bonds already weakened, and I knew this is was, definitely, the beginning of the end for Overwatch.

For my family.

Next chapter: An Eye for an Eye Tumblr, AO3, Wattpad

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

The Diary of Losing You

Day One

I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.  I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.  sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.  Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.  Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.

Day Four

its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.  but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.  Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.  it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six

a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could.