#that was forever ago i just. that shit grosses me out so much i would never ever ever ship characters who genuinely

[boysbeware2]

all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

[strawberrysweater]

this has been at the back of my mind for a long time and i know i'm overthinking but i DO want to clarify that i started shipping kaede & kiibo before i saw their second FTE and it didn't exactly make me happy to find out one of their only canon interactions is kiibo joking that kaede "influencing his design" means she's like his mom. like i know he was 100% joking as he clarifies literally in the next sentence to kaede's relief, and it's pretty clear that kaede was baffled he'd say that & he doesn't actually think of her that way bc he's really upfront with his feelings BUT. need to make it known that as someone who ships them romantically i don't get any secret enjoyment out of that interaction and in fact it squicks me out in the couple instances i've seen other fans joke about it + i just dislike jokes about girl characters being "mom friends" and any reminder about how much some fans infantilize kiibo, it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth

like. the idea of kiibo telling a poorly worded joke to get back at kaede for when she pressed that button and shut him off is funny, bc clearly he's not used to making jokes, it fits, and they're immediately cool after he clarifies and it never comes up again ("a robot making a joke... that's pretty cool. the title of ultimate robot really suits him.") i just dislike the way it comes across here bc it's a topic i don't find funny. it doesn't have any influence on me shipping them and i would still dislike it even if i didn't ship them BUT in the text it's just a one-off poorly received joke so i take it as a joke and i wanted to make that fully known

[strangemaleswaps]

Strange Job Swap

“Oh it's beautiful!” exclaimed the customer waiting in line. I handed her a nicely decorated cake for her son's birthday.

“It's no big deal. Just doing my job.” I acted like it was no big deal, but really I was gladly accepting the praise!

“This is perfect though. Have you considered being an artist?” she replied with a slightly more serious look.

“Yes I have actually…but the job market is tough.”

“Aww you'll get there eventually! Don't give up! Well anyway, you made my day so for that, thank you!”

“You're welcome.” I was a bit sad though, because she was right; I SHOULD be an artist. I recently earned my bachelor's degree, but yet I was still stuck in this dumb hick town, working as a grocery store cake decorator. I may have been good at what I do but I wouldn't want to do it forever!

At least my co-workers are pretty decent, especially my fellow bakery buddies, Chase, Amber, and Domingo. Amber was cool and didn't take anyone’s shit, which is why I loved seeing her because I didn't have much confidence when dealing with unruly customers. Domingo was very sweet, and even though he didn't speak very good English, he's hella good at his job. And Chase, well…he's hot! His bleach blond hair somehow always caught the light at a perfect angle. I don't know how I even kept my focus when he's working next to me.

At the end of my shift, I clocked out, and decided to buy a couple groceries like I normally did. I scanned everything at the self-checkout, put the receipt into one of my bags, and started walking towards the exit. The store had 2 exits on either side of the front, but I only took one because the other had a certain asshole at it - Richard.

The greeter position was removed a long time ago, but they bring it back for employees that have been injured or are too old, so that they can keep their jobs. Now this old guy named Richard had surgery a long time ago and became the greeter while he recovered. But yet he never went back to his old position.

He always stays at one specific entrance, and the reason I hated him so much was because he's racist. Part of his job has him checking customers’ receipts to make sure they didn't steal anything, which seems pretty unnecessary when you have those anti-theft machines at the exit. But I've seen him. The only people he checks the receipts for are minorities. It's not a subtle thing either; he’s super friendly, greeting and saying goodbye to all the white people passing but when it comes to someone who's not, his demeanor suddenly changes. 

My luck must've run out today, because I found the sliding glass doors at my usual exit were broken and currently being fixed. The area was blocked off by a barricade, and I knew there was only one other way to leave. I headed over to the other exit, and there Richard was, waving goodbye to a white mother and her toddler. He was wearing his typical gray uniform shirt that was clearly too small, because you could see his gut and nipples trying to poke through. Gross.

I moved through the aisle, trying not to draw attention to myself, but it was all for nothing because right on cue, Richard walked up to me and gave a great big (and so obviously fake) smile.

“Hello sir, can I see your receipt please?”

“Richard, it's me, Marco. I work in the bakery. You've seen me a million times before.” His smile suddenly faded, and his eyes narrowed, as if every ounce of happiness in his body just vanished.

“That's no excuse. How do I know you aren't stealing?”

“Because I want to keep my job?”

“Don't backtalk to me. You seem awfully suspicious today.” He then reached for his walkie talkie and started to page a manager. I really was able to walk out with no repercussions because I truly didn't steal anything, but there's a chance he would page the Asset Protection lady, who was almost as awful.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Nobody answered him. Thank god.

“Am I free to go now?” I said happily. The anger returned to his face.

“Just don't let me catch you stealing again. Or there'll be consequences!”

“Yeah…suuuure.” I walked out the door, into my car, and back home. I can't believe some people honestly. I was so sick of this town! I needed to move away real soon.

When I got home my dog, Kenny, was excited to greet me as usual so I let him outside to do his business while I got into my running clothes, prepping for a run. As I let Kenny back in, I went to check the mail and found a weird envelope in between the bills and spam. I opened it up and it was a letter addressed “to whom it may concern”. I threw it away without a second thought but Kenny suddenly ran up to the trash can, took it out, and placed it back in front of me.

“You really want me to read this, don't you boy?” I said cheerily as I patted him on the head.

“To whom it may concern,

Are you struggling with your current job? Unhappy with the life you have? Well I have just the cure for that! We are now selling happiness inducing coins for only $1 with free shipping! One flip of this coin will guarantee you will soon get a job you love! Get it fast before it all runs out! Just follow the link on the back of this letter if you are interested.” - VV

I wondered who or what VV was supposed to be, and $1 with free shipping sounds too good to be true, so this seemed like a scam. I also wasn't a superstitious person,  but for some reason my gut was telling me that this was a good idea. Kenny seemed to think so too as he was wagging his tail under the table and I read. I followed the link listed on the back of the page, typing in each random letter and number combination into my phone and ordered the lucky coin. I went to bed that night feeling a little more hopeful.

The next day at work was just like the previous day, only the door was fixed so I didn't have to walk out the exit Richard was standing at. We did make eye contact though, and he shot me a dirty look. I got home to find that the package had already arrived, which was awfully quick. I cut open the box and inside was a golden coin with a picture of a brain on it. The other side had a picture of a person with their arms spread wide. It was a really weird design. I read the instructions.

How to use:

Flip the coin

No matter what side it lands on, you'll be guaranteed happiness in your new job!

It sounded so lame, but I followed the instructions anyway. I flipped the coin the air, and slapped it on the back of my other hand. Tails. Nothing happened. I guess it was just $1 so it wasn't a huge waste of my time. It's pretty cool looking so maybe I could display it on my dresser or something.

I felt especially tired the rest of the night, but I was fine because I had a day off tomorrow. I was gonna go to the park with Kenny, as well as do a few errands. I was just glad I had time away from my job.

The next morning my alarm went off for some reason. I must've accidently set it by mistake. The weirder thing was Kenny wasn't there. Normally at the sound of my alarm, he comes running from wherever he was sleeping, and jumps on the bed to get me up. But there was nothing. When I started to truly wake up and become more alert, I realized that my alarm was set to the default or something. Instead of my usual calming piano, it was an annoying ringing. I opened my eyes to see what was happening. My vision was blurry, but I could tell I wasn't in my own room.

What happened? Did someone kidnap me? The alarm clock wasn't even on a phone, but rather it was an actual alarm clock. I had no idea what was going on, but I reached over to turn it off so I could think. I'm certain I must've been kidnapped somehow but why? And why would they set an alarm clock? I couldn't see but felt around the nightstand for a clue and found a pair of glasses. When I tried them on, just like that, my vision returned to normal. I had perfect vision before! Why did I suddenly need glasses? I reached up to scratch my head and found my hairline was incredibly receded. I was balding! I looked down with my now clear vision to find an even worse fact. I was chubby!

I sat up and stared at the foreign gut and two large man tits, as well as numerous graying chest hairs. I ran my hands through the hair, pinching them to make sure they were real. I pinched the tits as well, and felt sensations I've never felt before as they wobbled when I let go. I ran my hands through my face and felt a mustache and double chin, and began feeling nauseous at the thought of what I actually looked like. I didn't see a mirror in the room so I walked out the door trying to find a bathroom. The fat jiggled all around as I ran.

I got to the bathroom and nearly puked on the spot when I saw who I was. Richard. Oh god no. Of all people, I had to look like this racist bastard? I stared at myself and grazed my hands along my face. Suddenly I felt angry and started pinching it instead, as if I was doing the same thing to the real Richard, but denial didn't help; that was my face and it hurt. I touched his mustache and pinched it, as if it would come off. 

Just then I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't want to interact with anybody looking like this but until I figured out how to fix it, I knew I had to pretend to be Richard. I answered the door to find the mailman.

“Howdy Rich! Woah uh.” He stared at my chest. I forgot I was still shirtless. Having this much fat hanging from my body was almost like answering the door naked. “I see you've lost some weight!” he said, obviously lying.

“Oh uh, thanks.” I replied, trying to imitate Richard’s voice, which was pretty easy considering I've mocked him before.

“Well anyway, not much today; just a letter.” He handed me a letter with a purple stamp on it.

“Well uh see you tomorrow!” The mailman went on his way and I closed the door. I opened the letter and found a note similar to the lucky coin advertisement.

To whom it may concern,

Good morning! I trust that your lucky coin worked well? Welcome to your new life! As promised, you now have a job that you love. Unhappy with the results? Just flip the coin once again, and make sure it lands on what it landed on before! If not, however, your fate is sealed. Best Wishes! - VV, Venefica Viola

Shit. They're not lying though. Richard did love his job. And since I was in his body, I now had that job! But who is this Venefica Viola? It sounded like Latin somehow. I walked back to the bedroom to find Richard’s phone. Luckily he didn't have any lock screen pin so I could easily get in. I searched for a translator, dodging the random pop up ads that were everywhere on his phone and looked up Venefica Viola.

Violet Witch. So magic is involved somehow. I needed to get my coin back so I could undo this! It must still be at my own house. Shit! I just realized why the alarm clock went off. Richard worked today! He had perfect attendance and never uses his PTO, so not going in was gonna look suspicious. I glanced at the clock and realized I only had 20 minutes. 

Even though I'd love to see Richard be humiliated by going to work in his underwear, I decided that it wasn't worth attracting attention so I looked through his clothes to put on a work uniform. I found a pair of boxers and accidently flashed myself when I completely forgot I didn't have my own dick either. It was all wrinkly, but honestly a lot bigger than I thought. No. I was not about to get horny over Richard's dick! I found what he normally wore to work and put the rest on. I found tucking the shirt was more difficult than usual, as I had to pull it over my belly.

I guess I could make this work…for now. I hated to admit it, but Richard wasn't all that bad looking. It was his personality and habits that made him so repulsive, but now that I was in control of him, he didn't look all that bad. Maybe I could even turn things around for now and do something nice for the people I know he hates. I grabbed the car keys on the nearby table, and drove to work.

I walked in the store, put Richard's nametag on, and clocked in. I nearly started walking to the bakery area but stopped myself. I guess I'm really going to have to be a greeter for a day. This feels humiliating. I made my way to the front entrance and just stood there, waiting for customers to enter or exit.

Soon enough customers began arriving and I tried my best to act like Richard, though one customer asked if I was all right because I guess I overdid it. I didn't ask any customers to show their receipts though, because I might as well take advantage of being a greeter. I noticed Domingo at the checkout and when he bagged up his groceries, he approached me first instead of the door. He hastily grabbed his receipt and started showing it to me. I wasn't about to let this happen.

“No no it's ok. You don't have to show me the receipt anymore.”

“No?” He looked shocked.

“Checking receipts is stupid anyway. I don't need to do it anymore.”

“Really? I can go?”

“Yep! Have a good day.” It was unnerving seeing him so scared at the sight of me, but he smiled like normally did as he put the receipt back in the bag and walked out.

As I moved towards the break room to take my break, I noticed someone who looked awfully familiar walk through the door. It was…me! I mean Richard. It must've been; if I was in his body, he must've been in mine. It became more obvious by the way he was walking, taking big steps as if he was used to having his gut swinging around…like mine was now. God I hated this. I had to talk to him to sort things out. He smirked as I approached.

“Hey!”

“Oh it's you. I mean me. I mean,” he paused for a second and rounded his mouth into an even bigger smile, which looked uncanny with my face. “The old me.”

“What do you mean ‘the old you’”?

“Well seeing as I'm much younger now, while you're much older, I think the term is appropriate.”

“Well yeah, but not for long. I'm going to switch us back.”

“Oh no you're not! I may have preferred being white, but I’m enjoying youth again! Oh, and don't worry. I saw that coin thing and that letter this morning, and I made sure it would never see the light of day again. You got that…Richard?” 

He called me that in the same mocking tone that I always use to call him. I can't believe this!

“Y-you can't do this! I had a future!”

“That's my future now old man. You know maybe I could be a model with these looks. Maybe make one of those, what do you kids call it? OnlyFans?”

God no, I'm an artist, not a pornstar. He can't do this!

“The greeter is a real fun job, Richard. Enjoy it. You're hired!”

[whatifitis]

♡ Naurrr Oscahhh - OP 81 ♡

Summary: can oscar properly wipe his own ass? that is the question ☝️

Author's Note: I couldn't tell you what possessed me to write this... also this is the worst thing i've written probably so sorry

WC: 988 + 1 instagram post at the end

CW: a bit of foul language, shit

It’s a bright, early beautiful morning in your apartment that you share with your boyfriend, Oscar. Today's the day! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, your dog is sleeping, the bed sheet has shit stains, and today is gonna be a gre-

“The bed has shit stains?!” you scream, leaping out of bed to further inspect your beautiful, white, crisp bed sheets. 

What the fuck? How did my sheets get shit stains?! 

There’s only one person who could’ve done this… Oscar. 

The two of you hadn’t shared a space together for too long, only having just moved in together about a month ago, so you were still learning about each other's living habits. Like how Oscar steals all the hangers from your side of the wardrobe, or how he leaves his PlayStation games all over the coffee table. It honestly drives you mad, making you want to rip all your hair out. 

But this, this was a whole other fucking level. This is where you draw the line. Shit stains, on your favorite bed sheets. 

23 years old and he still doesn’t know how to wipe his own ass? Nah, mate. How can you love a man who can’t wipe? Imagine raising kids with this guy. There would be shit stains everywhere! 

You check the time and remember Oscar had a few meetings today so he wouldn’t be home for a few more hours. You knew you had to get to work  on disinfecting the bed, well maybe everything, immediately. He left a skid mark on the bed, god knows what else he’s done. 

You prepare for this treacherous job, putting on 3 layers of gloves and grabbing some soap and water. You stand over the bed, spraying a very generous amount of water and soap on the stain, contemplating your life choices. You managed to bag the hottest fucker alive… but he leaves skid marks around. 

After scrubbing the soap into the sheets with a sponge, you threw the sheets into the wash and threw your gloves and sponge into the trash. As soon as the lid to the trash closed, you shivered and stood as your skin erupted with goosebumps. 

Gross. 

Late into the afternoon, Oscar had arrived home. The unlocking of the door informed you of Oscar’s arrival, allowing you to get into position, standing with your arms crossed over your chest, positioned in front of the door. 

As soon as Oscar opened the door and his eyes met your figure, he raised his eyebrows. Before saying a word, he walks in, closes the door and sets his things on the counter before asking, “What’s up?”

“What’s up? That’s all you have to say?” 

“Um, yeah?” Oscar responds. 

What the fuck?

With a scoff, you prepare to let it out, “Oscar Jack Piastri”.

“Oh shit, full name. It’s serious.” you watch as he stands up straighter, his eyebrows slightly furrowing. 

“You left skid marks on the bed. My bed sheets. My beautiful, soft, white sheets! How could you? I thought you knew how to wipe your ass, otherwise I don’t think I would’ve agreed to dating you, let alone moving in!” you say, throwing your hands in the air out of frustration “God fucking knows if the stain will come off. Do you know how much those sheets cost? You’re paying for another set if these are fucked up forever cause of your disgusting ass.” 

“Um, love. I didn’t leave skid marks on the bed. I think I’d know if I did… and I didn’t.” he blinks. 

“Well if you didn’t, then who did. The fucking ghost that you claimed left the fridge door open all night?” you question, raising an eyebrow at him. 

Oscar just stands there unresponsive, just shifting his eyes from watching you to watching what is happening behind you on the floor. 

You turn around to be met with a sight for sore eyes. Yours and Oscar’s dog is currently dragging his ass across your new, and expensive, rug, leaving a very dark stain behind him as he scoots across the floor. 

Oscar comes to stand next to you, watching as your dog looks up at the two of you as if he hasn’t just ruined yet another one of your favorite pieces of decor in your apartment. You hear him chewing so you turn your head to look at him, watching as he’s eating a chocolate bar. 

“Where’d you get that?” you ask. 

“The fridge.”

“The fridge behind us? With the door left wide open?”

Both of you turn to look back at the fridge, which indeed is wide open.

“Yup” he says as you both turn back to look at the dog. 

You two stand there for a moment in silence before Oscar silently laughs, “You really thought it was me? And not the dog? That you know has had some digestion issues recently?”

“Yeah.” you stare blankly at your dog. 

“I’ve met bread smarter than you.”

“I’ve met guys with bigger dicks than you.”

“No, you haven’t.”

“No, I haven't,” you sigh in resignation. 

-=+=-

Liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris, and 278,443 others

y/n_l/n guess who left skid marks on mom’s bed sheets AND RUG, and proceeded to blame dad 😍

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landnorris guess who’s no longer invited to my flat after he pissed right by my feet  😍

↪ oscarpiastri he said he was sorry 😔

↪ landonorris he didn’t look so sorry when he did it again when i was trying to flirt with a girl 🧍

↪ oscarpiastri it’s not like you were gonna pull her so 

↪ landonorris WHAT THE FAWK MATE?!?

User34 your honor, he’s innocent 

User52 what the fuck is wrong with your dog?!

↪ y/n_l/n WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM

↪ User56 why does he look like he’s gonna ask me for feet pics… ↪ y/n_l/n blocked 🖐️

[intertexts]

OKAY. HI HI HI HI HI. THOUGHTS ON NHW MAL POWERS

i am going 2 leave the actual classification up to you because i dont have the innate sense of them yet like i do for classpects and such and i know im banned from the wiki rn so ill just talk about. base level What I Think He Can Do.

FIRST OF ALL. THE BIG THING. GHOUL. so. technically if i remember correctly. mal isnt a planeswalker like william is so ghoul is technically a separate being? ghoul is his guide, which is what allows him to go between the real world and the spirit world. HOWEVER. ghoul is nothing to me so in nhw world i think he should just be like. a separate form. mal turns into ghoul and its the same consciousness u know? hes the same guy hes just a freak now. worm comparison i am thinking is like. what rachel does to her dogs except hes doing it to himself. with the gross muscles and bones and big mouth and shit.

OTHER THAN THAT i thinkkkkkk. ok. hear me out. i am going 2 base this on a tweet bizly made forever ago (that im SO MAD i cant find a picture of rn) but the basics was like. u remember that nightmare dakota had back in season 1 where he saw william and vyncent kill summer . that was a nightmare that mal gave him in order to split the three of them up. SO WHAT IF. nhw mal has some sort of dream/mind manipulation abilities or something. hes had so many moments where he just like. appears out of the shadows in order to get them to do what he wants im just imagining the horror of that from an outside perspective just seeing one of the heroes mid battle just Fall Asleep for a while. but to them its like nothing happens and they dont realize it until he leaves and theyre waking up. do you see my vision here.

either that or i think his powers should be like. kind of countered to wibby? i know in pd his powers are similar to williams bc hes a ghost and everything but. im thinking we dont do that in nhw. INSTEAD. maybe in ghoul form or whatever he has heightened senses/abilities that allow him to see through things like invisibility and touch things that are intangible. (thinking abt this strategy-wise, it would be their goal to take him down as mal BEFORE he transforms bc then he becomes almost impossible for william to fight) . maybe this seems too targeted against william specifically but im jsut thinking like. ghoul in general just makes him more powerful and those are just a couple specific advantages he gets? uh oh im running out of words in my brain help

MAYBE THIS IS. TOO MUCH IN TOO MANY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. so he doesnt have to have all of these at once. i am really just throwing spaghetti noodles at your inbox and seeing what sticks to the wall or whatever the phrase is. hi it took me like an hour to type all of this bc i kept getting distracted and forgetting words!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAHHHH YAYUAYAY THIS IS ALL GOOD SPAGHETTI!!!!!!! too much in too many directions is so fun dude i fucking love being the rubber ducky for shit like this!!

i REALLY ENJOY fucked up body horror changer shit... ough. (thats what him physically changing like rachels dogs would b, as opposed 2 breakers who-- oh god it's too late for this. umm. physical change different than energy form etc.)... he should get 2 be a weird terrifying freak thing. with bone & blood n stuff. & there's precedent for changing in a way that alters ur senses & powers etc..... maybe he choose what and how he transforms to respond in a certain way or target a certain scenario. i dont wanna go fishing rn but remind me tmrw n i'll rb this with some screenshots from ward of the guy im thinking of who this reminds me of!!

that being said the idea of him having big mind manipulation stuff is also SO compelling. god. being able to like... create illusions & scenarios that are completely fake. delude people or put them to sleep or mess with their cognition in ways they dont even notice... alter perception of reality.... especially if he has a wide range of effect?? that goes hard!!! how long would it last... how would u snap out of it... could he make u feel stuff that's not real??? ok ok ok getting off track. anyway. i love the idea of a fight with him being timed because he's transforming.... maybe a form that's just. very good at Seeing Things? mal/ghouls original job was like, as a cleaner for clarence, right? making sure everything in the afterlife's in order? so many choices...

[l00na24]

I Got Your Six - Chapter 2

Warnings: Mentions of death

Word Count: 5.8k

Now…

“Man, that guy nearly shit himself!”

“Oh my god, Mick! Stop it already!” I said embarrassed to my teammate as we arrived at base from our last mission.

“He’s lucky he’s still alive.” Countered another one of my team in a more serious tone.

“How about you stop reminding me and rather go to the colonel for report?” I asked with a raised eyebrow and looked at the three men walking next to me.

“She’s right, give her a break from all your shit already.” The last of the three chimed in, laughing and shaking his head slightly.

“Thanks, Luc.” Letting out a relieved breath, I looked over to him.

“Always got your back, girl. You know that.” He patted me brotherly on the arm a few times and gave me an honest smile.

“Just stop already, you two!” Mick shouted in fake disgust, groaning.

“And he’s not the only one.” The second man added a moment later, clearly ignoring Mick’s comment and looking at me with a reassuring smile too.

“Gross, Alex! Gross!” Mick stuck his tongue out at that, making a fake gagging motion.

“We love you too, Mick.” Luc retorted with a wink toward his friend.

“Okay, okay, I’m going! Jeeessssee!” Mick lifted his hands up in defeat and started to break away from the group to make his way over to the colonel’s office.

“Don’t have too much fun without me and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, boys!” He shouted a second later for probably the whole base to hear.

“Fuck you, Mick!” Alex called back to him loudly, sighing and shaking his head about the ridiculousness of his teammate.

A barely there smile crossed my face for a second at their antics. I couldn’t be more grateful to have these three men, well, formally four, before we lost someone 2 years ago.

Not wanting to think about it for another second and get lost in my thoughts, I shifted my attention back to the two men currently with me.

We had been a team for 8 years now, ever since… the split from my first team that I had called my family. I never saw anyone of them again after that day. Never heard from them ever again since.

Stop! Just stop thinking about it!

It was a really hard time for me back then and I wasn’t sure if I’d survive it. More than once did I wish to die on one of the many battlefields I found myself on after. It would have been better than the painful suffering I was going through every second of every single day. But it never happened, so I was forced to get through it somehow, try to learn and live with it somehow. Get back up again and move on. Try to erase even the smallest bits related to those memories I held so deeply locked up inside of me and wished to forget forever.

“Hey, you alright?” A voice pulled me out of my thoughts suddenly.

“Hm? Oh yeah, sorry. Got lost in my head.” I answered after not responding for a moment.

“Only wanted to make sure you’re with us.” Alex smiled at me caringly, looking into my eyes. He knew there was more behind it but didn’t press on the subject, knowing I would tell them when I wanted to.

“We should get some rest, I’m already falling asleep walking.” Luc suggested from my right and had to restrain a yawn that threatened to escape him.

“Sounds good.” I answered and looked ahead of me around the base. Enjoying the quiet moment with them while we were able to.

“Ah! There you are!” Mick’s voice cut through the silence all of a sudden, that had settled around us before we nearly had reached our bunks.

Stopping and turning around surprised, I saw him coming toward us.

“Aaaand the silence is gone.” Alex commented sarcastically with a little sigh, knowing the most active of our little group was back with his loud and probably never shutting mouth.

 A little chuckle escaped me.

“What’s so funny over there?” Mick picked up immediately on it with a questioning glance.

“Alex thought, he wouldn’t have to deal with your annoying ass anymore today before sleeping.” Luc answered with a knowing grin toward him.

“Ha! You know you can’t get rid of me! Aaaaannnd you love me! Admit it!” Mick retorted with a matching wide grin on his face, pointing with his finger at Alex and dramatically pretending to be hurt with a hand over his heart.

“God, stop it already, would you? I had to deal enough with you on the flight back! Give me a break, please.” Alex huffed out, not meaning what he said.

“Why are you back so quickly anyway? Did the colonel have enough of you already and threw you out the second you walked in his office?” He added, crossing his arms and eyeing his soldier brother.

“No. And colonel Sanders wouldn’t do that! He sent me back to give this to Y/N!” Mick explained and showed us an envelope that he held in his right hand toward me.

“What is that?” I asked surprised, not knowing from who it was or what it could be. I never got any mails. There was no one who could send me anything that I knew of. Looking at it as if I never had seen such a thing in my life.

“I don’t know but the colonel said, it got delivered here a few days ago.” He told us and looked down at it too.

“Anything you wanna tell us maybe?” Luc joined in and raised his left eyebrow questioningly at me.

“What? No! You know there’s no one.” I shot back at him with an uncertain look.

“From who is it then? Come on, open it!” Mick asked and encouraged me, already exited with the idea about who could’ve sent me something.

My look went from him back to the envelope I held in my hand, inspecting it more carefully. There was no address, no name or anything that indicated from who it was. Only my name was neatly written in the middle of the front.

Noticing my hesitation and uncertainty, Luc cut in to defend me.

“Hey, stop pushing her, man.”

“Whatever it is, isn’t your business anyway, Mick.” Alex reminded him and shot him a stern look, already thinking of what it could be and where it could possibly go.

“No, it’s okay.” I said after a quick pause and looked at the three men surrounding me.

“I just hope it’s none of those…” My thoughts went straight to the condolences we got when our teammate died. I couldn’t see any more of those, cause they made me sick each time I had to look at one, reading the same lines over and over.

It’s my fault…

“It won’t. I’m sure of it. Whatever it is, take your time and open it when you’re ready for it.” Luc said while he put his arm around my shoulder and pressed me softly against his side.

“You know we’re here for you. Always.” Alex reminded me, grabbing and squeezing my right hand reassuringly while he gave me a knowing look.

“Thank you, guys. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I thanked them honestly, trying to keep my emotions in check.

“Probably getting lost and ending up dead somewhere.” Mick tried to lift the situation and cracked a joke, hoping it would make me laugh and forget the dark thoughts that started to gather in my mind.

“Eres un idiota. (You are an idiot.)” Alex cursed in Spanish at him, giving him a clap on the back of his head. Letting the Spanish blood show, that was flowing within him.

“You know I don’t understand that shit.” The other man commented, rubbing his head and pulled away Alex’ hand, pretending to be offended.

“Okay, okay, stop it, you two.” I tried to interfere their bickering, knowing already that they could go on for hours if they wanted and I was too exhausted to deal with that right now again. I had to witness it countless times before and wasn’t about to add another one to it in this moment.

As Mick was about to probably make another smart remark, he got interrupted by Luc.

“You heard the captain, fellas. Stop your shit and lay your asses down for a few hours.”

“Not that she can say that by herself…” Alex chuckled quietly to himself.

“Luc’s right, guys. I’m getting tired too. Let’s get some sleep and I’ll see you later.” I told them, stowing away the envelope and waving them goodbye while I started to walk in the direction of my bunk.

I wasn’t really tired and the boys presumably knew it too but didn’t say anything, knowing me way too well after all those years together. Just like them.

They knew I had trouble sleeping when I was newly assigned to them, but I was barely sleeping now after what had happened 2 years ago, trying to avoid it as best as I could to not being forced to relive another of those nightmares. Too scared of waking up, only to realize all of it would be true and I wasn’t dreaming.

Who would send me something?

I put down all the things I had carried with me when I reached my bunk. Sitting down and staring holes in the white piece of paper with my name on it that I brought out of where I had put it.

Y/N

Trying to decipher who’s handwriting it could be, I was going through every possible one I could think of in my head but came up empty.

Should I open it?

I didn’t know why, but something made my stomach turn when I looked at it. It was a feeling in my gut I couldn’t explain and I didn’t like it either. I could easily just throw it away and never think of it again but somehow I was also drawn to it at the same time.

Sighing heavily, I stood up again and laid the still untouched envelope on my bed and dragged a hand across my face while taking a few steps around the room. Giving me a moment to think about what to do.

If I just tried to ignore it, I knew I would end up thinking all day about it, the thoughts about what it could possibly contain running wild in my mind. But if I opened it and it contained the very thing I feared already for, I wasn’t sure how I’d react and the thought was already scaring me enough.

“Fuck this.” I said after I stopped in front of my bed again and looked down on the tempting piece of paper.

Reaching for it and sitting back down after my curiosity had finally won, I carefully opened it.

Not a second later after looking at its content, I dropped it as if I had burned my hand on it, not believing what I read.

No, no, no, no, no…. There was no god damn way in hell this could be real!

I jumped up and ran across the room toward the door, turning around after a moment to look at the paper that was now on the floor and slowly sinking down with my back against it after a minute of straight staring at the offending item in my room.

My breath began to pick up immediately and my hands started to shake. I could feel almost tears coming up too. I felt like someone had just ripped my already non-existent heart out of me a second time.

How the fuck was this possible? Why? And why now all of a sudden?

You only imagine this, Y/N! You know there’s no way of this happening! Snap out of it! I tried convincing myself without actually believing it.

What had I done in my life to deserve this? Was it some sick way of fate to get back on me for all the things I had done? My punishment for all my mistakes and choices I made? To remind me who I was?

“Why would you do that?” I spoke to myself, louder this time. Still in absolute disbelieve about what I was looking at.

The letters that couldn’t be, that must be horribly wrong. Or was this all someone’s sick joke? But if so, wouldn’t it have been way earlier then? Why would someone wait that long and drop something like this now? It didn’t make sense, in every way possible. The thought that someone was playing me nor that it could actually be really true.

How did it even get in here? Was no one questioning it?

I was reading the small text on it over and over again to try and figure out what this was.

Can we talk?

S.

Sunny’s Café,

FL, 33675, Eastwood Road

2 PM,

06.21.2019

The date written on it was in two days. Enough time to think about if I really wanted to follow his invitation or not. But first I had to ask the colonel for permission to leave anyway if I was forced to meet him somewhere in Florida. Why was he there? I remembered, that some of the guys used to live there when they were on leave but I didn’t know if that was still true. They always tried to get me to go there with them but I declined each time and stayed at the base. I didn’t want to interfere with their private lives too.

Was he with them right now? Was that the reason he was here? Or what was he doing down there?

“I should have never opened this shit.”

Was I ready to dig up everything that happened in the past? To face one of the persons I hoped to never see ever again? What was I even supposed to say to him when he was in front of me? ‘Hey, I’m sorry that I ran from you and never wanted to see you again?’

Sounds really convincing. Fucking pathetic.

I picked up the paper and put it back neatly folded in the envelope. Turning it around to the front, I looked over the handwriting of my name again and let out a frustrated sigh.

Standing back up, I walked across and put it on the table that was standing on the other end of the room. Then I quickly searched my bag next to it for some fresh clothes to sleep in before heading to bed and finally get some rest, hopefully.

I’d talk to the colonel in the morning and would decide then what I was gonna do. And I had to talk with the boys about it too. The past would always catch up with me, one way or another. Regardless how hard I tried to run from it. I was doomed to be chained to it forever.

The next morning, 7 AM, North Carolina, Fort Bragg

It was still early when I got up, only being able to close my eyes for three to four hours at best. I went through my morning routine and was on my way to colonel Sanders after. I needed to get this over with as fast as possible.

With fast steps I approached his office, knowing the colonel was already up too. I knocked three times lightly and waited till he beckoned me in.

“Good morning, Y/N. Already up I see, like always. How are you?” He greeted me with a smile and made a gesture with his hand for me to sit down and take a seat before him.

“Good morning, commander. I’m okay, I think. I wanted to talk to you about something.” I greeted him back and sat down in the chair, knowing this wouldn’t be an easy conversation and it was probably best to sit down for it.

“Nice to hear that, I hope you got some rest. And what can I do for you?” Sanders asked and watched me with an attentive gaze. Trying to find out if I was honest with him about my wellbeing or not. He knew about my sleeping problems and that I had a habit to conceal how I really felt. So he was always the most careful over me after everything and on guard about the slightest of changes in my behavior.

I pulled out the envelope and handed it to him.

“Ah, so you received it.” He commented and took it from me, inspecting it.

“Yes, Mick gave it to me as soon as he came back.” I answered, not yet giving away what fatal content it entailed.

“Another one of those?” Sanders questioned, referring to the condolence cards I had gotten before.

“No, not quite.” I said and looked at the paper with a grim look.

Noticing my change in tone, he looked back up at me. He knew I never got any mails from anyone besides them.

I returned his look and held his gaze for a moment before I sighed heavily, knowing what was about to come.

“What is it then?”

“I hoped you could tell me that.”

Sanders eyes went back and forth between the envelope and me for a second before he asked for my permission to open it and take a look.

“Can I?”

“Sure.” I cut myself short and watched him.

There was a moment of silence between us when he opened the folded paper and read the text on it. Shortly after, his head shot back up and his eyes grew a bit wider.

“Is it from who I think it is?” Sanders asked the question I had already anticipated with genuine surprise in his voice.

“I think so, yes.” I answered with a small nod toward him and looked to the ground right after, not wanting to longer stare at the thing in his hand than needed.

“Did you know anything about this?” I added with an uncertain voice, searching his face for any reaction.

“No, I didn’t. I’m quite surprised myself.” The colonel answered honestly and ran a hand over his chin, leaning back in his seat.

“Why now? Why after 8 years?” My question came out with a more vulnerable voice than I intended to, and I started fidgeting with my fingers in my lap. Hating to talk about the still highly sensitive subject I tried to avoid at all costs.

“Maybe he wants to make peace with you? Do you wanna talk to him?” He wanted to know, eyeing me now more seriously.

“I’m… not sure.” With a huff I stood up crossing my arms, not being able to sit still any longer and getting more upset by the second.

“All of this is partly my fault too.” The colonel suddenly said.

Not knowing what he meant, I raised my eyebrows at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I told the boys back then to leave you alone for the time being and give you space. I thought you’d go back to them eventually, but I didn’t believe you’d never talk to them again.” Sanders apologized and stood up too, rounding the side of his table till he was in front of me.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I quickly deflected, a little surprised at his revelation but I appreciated his care for me none the less. He couldn’t have known that it was my plan all along after that fateful day.

“Y/N.” He came a step closer, trying to caress my arm but I jerked back as fast as I could.

“No!” I almost shouted and took a step backwards.

“Why did he have to do this? Why now? Why?!” Feeling my breathing pick up, I tried to calm myself and not to allow any emotions to surface.

“You know you should talk to him. Make your peace with it, so you can get closure.” Deep down I knew he was right but to get myself to that point was a loosing battle. I’d never get closure from the endless guilt I felt, the pain. No talk with anyone would change that. But the other part of me also was curious about what he had to say. I didn’t have this weird feeling in my gut for no reason, I was sure of it.

“The date on it is in two days. I will need some time off if I should really go there.” I explained after taking a breath.

“You know, you don’t need to ask, Y/N. You never took any time off since you’ve been here. And if it helps you to finally make your peace with it, I’ll gladly give it to you.” I didn’t know how I deserved his kindness, that I could never thank him enough for. It was a mystery to me why colonel Sanders of all people cared so much about me, he was my superior after all but somehow a really good friend too over the years since I arrived here for the first time after I enlisted and got promoted to serve in Delta Force.

“Thank you, for everything, commander.” I thanked him and he took another step and brought me in a hug, being mindful not to touch my back.

“We’re all here for you. They never cared for someone as much as you, so whatever he has to say, at least hear him out. They’d never deny you, you know that.” Damn him for always knowing the right words to say, like him. To find even the smallest crack in all of the walls I had build up around me and get right through without any effort. To contain the monster within, wallowing in its own darkness, only waiting for spilling blood again and its next kill to satisfy its need to destroy.

“I still need to talk to Luc, Mick and Alex about it. They don’t know yet.” I spoke into his body but still clear enough for him to understand.

“They’ll understand. They’ll have your back on this too, like always.” Colonel Sanders encouraged me and stroked my right arm.

No more words needed to be said in this moment, both of us knowing everything that needed to be said had been already said and I was just enjoying the closeness of a person I could truly trust and relax for a moment.

“I better go and talk to them about it then.” I returned after a minute of comfortable silence and pulled away from him, meeting his gaze that had softened.

“You should. I know you can do it, I believe in you, Y/N.” A smile appeared on his otherwise emotionless face before he took a step back, grabbed the envelope and piece of paper and handed it to me before Sanders watched me leave after I gave him a quiet appreciative nod as goodbye that he returned.

Now I only needed to tell my team the news about the mysterious envelope. What would they think about it?

He would have wanted me to…

“Why can’t you just be here?” I said quietly to myself, thinking of our dead teammate while looking in the morning sky above me and waiting for the boys to show up. It shouldn’t take long for them to wake up since they were early sleepers just like me. Thanks to the army.

“Already awake I see!” I heard a voice behind me a little while later.

“Mornin’.” I greeted Luc as he came walking out of the boys’ bunks, giving me a wave.

“How are we feelin’ today? Got some sleep?” He asked as he stopped beside me with a smile on his face.

“You know, the usual. Maybe three to four hours tops.” I replied and looked at the bunks again, waiting for the missing two.

“Had any nightmares?” The man next to me followed up with another question, wanting to know if he needed to be concerned or not.

“I wish.” I replied dryly with a sarcastic laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Luc couldn’t really make any sense out of my replies, but he didn’t know yet what I was about to tell them.

“I’ll tell you when the others are here.” I answered and tore away my gaze from the building to him.

He knew something was up then, not needing to voice another question.

“Already having fun without me?” Mick’s cheerful voice reached our ears not a minute later. How could someone be already in such a good mood in the morning? I’d never understand that.

“Someone needs to do your job when you’re not here, right?” Luc retorted and gave him a hug.

“So rude!” Mick commented and came over to pull me into a hug too.

“You know he doesn’t mean it.” I told him and returned his gesture.

“Still! You’re the captain here, you should do something about that!” He defended and pointed an accusing finger at me.

“Only up for a couple of minutes and already annoying people, huh, pendejo?” Alex finally showed up too, amused by what he had to witness that early in the morning.

“Oh no! Not you too! Shut it!” Mick turned around to face the last missing man of the team, feeling already offended by his comment and started their bickering from anew.

“Make me.” Alex challenged, throwing him a middle finger while he walked toward me and hugged me like his brothers, before he did the same with them.

“Good morning, you okay?” He asked quietly when he pulled me in, giving me an affectionate kiss on my right temple.

“Yeah.” I replied with the same volume. Relieved that I had my three most important men around me now.

“I have to tell you something.” I announced when they were finished with greeting each other.

“Uhhh! So you finally wanna admit to us that you got a secret boyfriend?” Mick joked with a grin, nudging me.

“I already told you, no! There’s no one and there never will be one, Mick.” He really couldn’t let this go, could he?

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t be like that! Who wouldn’t want to be your man? I mean, I wouldn’t say no, if you’d ask me.” He continued, being the optimist he was. How could he even think that someone would want me? Someone so broken and fucked up? A literal monster in any sense of the word? Hell no, I didn’t want to burden anyone with all my shit. I didn’t deserve anything but to suffer alone in my own personal hell forever.

“Whoa, whoa! Stop right there, hermano. She’d never voluntarily ask you to be her boyfriend. Not that she’d be interested in your annoying ass anyway.” Alex cut in his friend’s speech, crossing his arms and puffing out his chest to appear more threatening. Not in a real serious way tho, those three were best friends for a lifetime and would always stick together, no matter what.

“You know I can hear you over here, right?” I spoke up while both of them had a staring contest with each other, no one daring to give in.

“Just ignore them if they are not interested in what you have to say. You can tell me, I’m listening.” Luc said, giving me his full attention.

“You know we can hear you, right?” Mick repeated my words from earlier questioningly and narrowed his eyes at him.

“Not my fault if you don’t listen what our girl has to say.” Luc shrugged with his shoulders.

“Not listening? Pfff, he’s the one talking all day, not me. Don’t drag me into that shit.” Alex quickly defended himself.

“You can actually be grateful that I tolerate your ass here. But fine, what’s so important that you gotta tell us, Y/N?” Mick shot back at the Spanish man next to him with a glare before he too shifted his attention toward me.

“The stuff that’s in the envelope you gave me yesterday.” I answered with a serious tone, getting straight to the point and pulling said object out for them to see.

“Did you read it?” Noticing my seriousness, Alex curiously wanted to know.

“Unfortunately, yes.” I answered with a sigh and shifted on my feet, looking to the side away from them.

“Another one of those cards? If you want I can-” Before Luc could end his proposition, I cut him off.

“No, I wish it was. But it’s far more worse.”

“What could be worse than those stupid cards?” Mick chimed in with a snort, debating if he should inspect it more closely.

“Something that was supposed to never show up ever again.” The boys exchanged concerned glances at that, their thoughts already running over all possible options. Not liking to hear those words coming out of me.

“Is it something regarding… Vic?” Luc very carefully asked after debating if he should even dare to voice out his question, knowing it was the subject I absolutely denied speaking of.

“Don’t mention his name!” I immediately snarled at him in a warning tone, gritting my teeth. He knew not to touch this and NEVER bring up his name in my presence.

“Okay, okay. Sorry, Y/N. I just wanted to make sure.” He had raised his hands up, apologizing for his mistake of bringing up our dead teammate.

“What is it then?” Alex was right beside me in an instant, joining our hands in between our bodies and rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. He knew my heartrate had shot through the roof already at hearing that name.

“Just look at it already.” Not wasting more time, Mick took the envelope from me without hesitation and read over the paper.

“Who’s S?” He curiously asked, trying to figure out in his head who that letter could belong to.

“S?” Luc repeated with the same confused tone and looked from the paper to his friend, thinking of all the people he knew or heard of in relation with me.

Letting out a long, heavy sigh I let go of Alex’ hand and crossed my arms while I closed my eyes, not wanting to see their faces after my revelation.

“Santiago.”

For a minute a heavy silence had settled over us and nobody said a word, minds racing with all kinds of thoughts about that name.

“Wait! Hold up!” Mick was the first to break it and practically shot out his thoughts. All of us looked at him, waiting for what he could come up with.

“Isn’t that one of them? From your old team?”

“Yeah.” I already regretted mentioning the name.

“And now he suddenly decides that he wants to talk to you?! After 8 fucking years?!” It was really rare to see Mick getting upset or even slightly pissed off at something but right now, his voice was making it clear how he felt.

“I don’t know what he wants.” I huffed and locked eyes with him.

“Does the colonel know?” Luc joined in, concern heavy in his voice.

“Yes. We’ve talked about it when I showed him this morning.”

“What did he say?” Alex’ voice sounded from beside me, finally saying something after being quiet way too long for my liking.

“He suggested hearing him out, look what he has to say.” I told them the short version of the conversation with Sanders.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” Mick scoffed, shaking his head and shifting on his feet. He wasn’t onboard with the idea, it was written all over him. His now broader stance that showed his muscled body. The stance of a man that despite his cheerful and good nature knew damn well how to kill. This was business right now.

“You know that it’s her choice. You can’t deny her that, buddy.” Luc, always the voice of reason in the group of the four of us, tried to remind him.

“He’s right, hermano. It’s her choice.” Alex confirmed with a nod, sending me a reassuring smile that said I got you. Whatever you do, I’m with you.

Appreciating his gesture, I nodded back at him before I let my look wander over our group for a moment.

“He doesn’t deserve it.” Mick quietly grumbled more to himself when he turned around halfway, looking across the base with tightly crossed arms over his chest.

“What would you do?” I asked them, wanting to know what they would do in my place.

“Sending him back to the hell he crawled out of, obviously.” Looking back at me Mick seethed, because he knew and had to witness what I had to go through because of my old team. He never held a grudge against someone or even them but he hated if someone hurt me and he was just as protective of me like his friends and the colonel. So I understood where he was coming from and I hated myself too for even considering the idea of following the request of Santiago Garcia.

“We don’t know them and all the details, so I'm not sure. But I’d probably think about it.” Luc voiced his opinion, trying to remain neutral and grabbing his chin.

“You’re right. We don’t know what he wants but he must have a reason for sending you a letter after years to try and talk with you now. I hate to admit it, but I’d consider it too maybe.” The Spanish man of the group added his opinion on it too with a thoughtful voice.

“Are you both serious?!” Their brother Mick wasn’t very happy with their answers cause he had hoped, they’d be on his side with this, looking at them with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, turning his body around to them.

“It isn’t our call to make.” Alex reminded him again, that ultimately it was my decision to make and not them. It was my past I had to deal with. The consequences of the choices I made 8 years ago.

“Fine. But he hurts you again, he’s dead!” Mick threatened with a cold and deathly gaze straight in my eyes, pointing a finger at me.

“Okay. I’ll think about it I guess, there’s still time anyway. Thank you, boys. I really don’t know how I deserved you.” I thanked them in all honesty and tried to muster up somewhat of a smile toward them.

“Being the strongest girl we know. He’d be proud of you, Y/N.” Luc reminded me and brought me together with his brothers in a group hug.

“Damn right, she is!” Mick chimed in proudly, his mood already switched back to his cheerful one like nothing happened and giving me a wide grin.

“Sin duda. (Without question.)” Alex added and smiling heartfully at me.

It was decided then. I’d go to Florida and hear Santiago out. Face my past head on.

A/N: Uh oh. What do we have here?🫣There we go with chapter 2! We're slowly on our way to the boys now and I hope you still enjoyed the chapter even if it was more a bit of background story 🥰

I intentionally didn't make any more detailed character descriptions here but plan on adding them a bit later. Feel free to imagine them as you want or let me know if I should/ shouldn't include them :)

(Also since I didn't know what year we have in the film, I was just going with its release.)

And a really big thanks to all of you for the likes, reblogs and comment! It makes me really happy to know that someone's liking my story so far and it means a lot to me❤️‍🔥😍

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[fetchmearum420]

TW: religion, anxiety

I haven’t really been posting as much because if I’m being honest, my anxiety is the worst it’s ever been.

A few weeks ago, I stupidly googled near death experiences that caused someone to go to hell, and it scared the absolute shit out of me. I had a massive, massive panic and anxiety attack. Because the description of what the person saw was traumatizing and horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I then went through a whole religion thing and questioned everything and myself. I’ve always believed in God but I’ve never been overly religious and I’m still not.

I couldn’t go to sleep at night without freaking out and thinking about hell. I was absolutely terrified that I am gonna go there when I d*e.

I eventually talk to my mom about all this and she helped me calm down and talk things out. But it was absolutely terrifying. I caused all this on myself because I was stupid and googled something I shouldn’t have. I cannot believe I would even do something like that knowing how severe my anxiety already is and has been.

And then I went away to Wildwood and the first two days were awful. Originally my parents weren’t supposed to go and I went with my grandparents. But that ended up not working out because we were at a new hotel this year, and my favorite cousins weren’t there so those two changes absolutely fucked me up and my nervous system shut down and I started to have bathroom problems. I couldn’t go 5 minutes without having to go again. And it was loose too. I know that’s gross, I’m sorry.

I call my mom the second day we’re there and I was sobbing to her, begging her and my dad to find a way to come here to take me home. Luckily they did. The next day they came and they stayed a couple days and I went home with them. I knew I wouldn’t be able to calm down unless they were here. The rest of the trip was great and fun.

So yeah, over my stupid ass googling something I shouldn’t of, I caused my anxiety to go berserk, which it hasn’t been that bad in forever.

Luckily 1776 and Friends helped me a lot to calm down and relax a bit.

Now my anxiety is just bad but not terrible. I can manage it. It’s just going to sleep is hard because all the thoughts come in and I think about shit I shouldn’t be thinking and it sucks. But we’re looking into it and I’m hoping to go back on medication soon.

So yeah, that’s been my life for the past month. So if I don’t post as often, I’m sorry. I just kinda need to figure out everything and get my anxiety to a good point.

[dragonmuse]

For some reason I have this image of Alma getting her first period when she’s with Stede and him not handing it well.

(Hello October 2022 Anon, I thought about this one awhile and I think Stede will surprise you)

There was a spot of blood on the bathroom floor. Stede hadn’t been sure that was what it was right away, still gleaming wetly. He and Eddy used the upstairs bathroom for the most part now, but he’d come in to wash his hands. The kids were here, but Eddy had taken Charlie out for some errands and then  to fetch lunch. Only he and Alma were home. He grabbed a wet wipe and leaned down to mop it up. 

Alma had said she had a headache and retreated to her room twenty or so minutes ago. She hadn’t been obviously wounded and had been mostly fine only five minutes before. Before she’d gone into the bathroom. 

Mary had said something ominous recently about puberty that Stede had shelved into a dusty box in his mind. Now he was forced to take it down. 

He threw out the wipe and then went to her door. It was shut as it often was. Alma had liked getting a room in the townhouse, and Stede suspected being able to close a door was most of that. 

She probably did not want to talk to her father about her changing body, he decided. He should just respect the closed door. He turned around, heading back to the kitchen. After all, Eddy would be home soon and she would doubtless prefer Eddy’s comfort over Stede’s- 

Shit. Stede stopped in the middle of the room. 

Wasn’t that exactly how he had dealt with everything with the children before? Just relayed on Mary to handle anything that required real effort and hiding away from the hard parts? He’d resolved to change. 

Maybe Alma would prefer Eddy and would certainly rather have her mother, but Stede was the person who was here and he could at least acknowledge things. 

He knocked quietly on her door, “Would you like some painkillers, sweetheart? Or maybe a hot water bottle?” 

There was a long silence and then a, “Both. Please.” 

“All right, just a moment.” 

He had to find the hot water bottle upstairs (usually put into service for stiff limbs) and get the water hot enough for it which took a few minutes. That gave him enough time to search for appropriate doses of painkillers for a small-ish teenager and get the right amount accordingly. He brought both to her door, then knocked again. 

“Can I come in?” He asked. 

“Yeah, okay,” she said quietly. 

Stede stepped inside and on impulse, shut the door behind him. She had the blinds up and it was bright enough, even though none of the lights were on. Alma had huddled up into her blankets on the bed, looking faintly miserable. 

All of his discomfort at the idea that some arcane hormonal process was happening here disappeared. She was just a child, still, not some suddenly metamorphosed adult, no matter how large her vocabulary. 

“Here,” he handed her the hot water bottle, wrapped in a towel. “It should help with the cramps. Do you have water?” 

“Yeah, there’s some left from last night.” 

She ferreted the hot water bottle under the blankets and took the pills with a sip of water. Stede perched on the edge of her bed. 

“Is this the first time?” 

She nodded once. “How did you know?” 

“Just a lucky guess,” he assured her. “Do you need anything?” 

“Mom started making me pack stuff a few months ago just in case. I don’t know if it’s enough I don’t know how much I’m...” she trailed off. “This is so gross.” 

“I’m sure it feels unpleasant,” he hesitated. 

Mary had always handled her cycles the same way she handled everything: entirely without him.  When they had decided to have the children, she had just informed him over dinner that it was a good time and they had done the necessary with as little eye contact as possible. Sometimes, looking back, he was amazed she hadn’t done worse to him then sent a private investigator after him. 

“It sucks,” Alma huffed. “And now it’s going to happen to me all the time forever.” 

“Well. Not all the time,” he managed. He did know that much. “And I’m sure you’ll get used to it eventually.” 

“I don’t want to get used to it. I want it to not happen yet. I’m not ready,” she protested. “What do I need it for?” 

“Oh, well. If our bodies only did what we needed them too, life would be much more pleasant,” he sighed. “I don’t pretend to know how it feels, sweetheart, but why don’t we do a little searching and see if there’s things that might help you feel better right now?” 

“You think there are things?” She frowned. 

“I imagine with half the population suffering through it on the regular, there are at least some ideas out there.” 

There was not as much as Stede had hoped. Hardly anything he’d call universal or even hugely helpful. They did decide that chocolate was probably always in order and a movie would at least be distracting. 

“The hot water bottle is helping,” she declared as they migrated back out into the living room, though the blankets came with her. 

“Good,” he smiled. He’d done something correctly. He’d helped. “Let’s have hot chocolate, you pick the movie.” 

For once, Alma didn’t pick something with monsters and torture, so that was nice. He had no idea what was happening on the show, but she liked to explain things to him anyway, so by the end he thought he had a working knowledge of why familiar comic book characters were acting like they were in a film noir. Mostly. As long as no one asked him to prove it. 

“We’ve got fried chicken!” Eddy announced, after the door had banged open. 

“Dad!” Charlie zipped into the room. “Eddy and I saw a huge bird when we were walking by the park! I think it was a hawk.” 

“In the city?” Stede smiled at him. “Do you think so?” 

“Not sure,” Charlie admitted. “But it looked like one.” 

“Definitely wasn’t a pigeon,” Eddy agreed. “We’d need your eye to tell more, love. Tried to get a picture, but it was up fairly high.”

“We can look again tomorrow,” Stede told Charlie. “If it’s nearby. It may nest nearby and still be there.” 

“Okay!” 

“Go wash your hands,” Eddy ordered. “You touched every fence post and you need them for dinner.” 

“On it!” Charlie was dashing into the bathroom and Stede was all the more grateful that he’d caught the drop before. 

“You okay, twiz?” Eddy asked, depositing the bags on the kitchen counter, disgorging a feast from the depths. 

“Yeah,” she huffed. “I’m just got on a merry-go-round that I have to ride until my uterus falls out or something.” 

“I don’t think that’s how menopause works,” Stede frowned. “That seems a little dire.” 

“It is dire!” Alma groaned and threw the blankets back over her head.  

“I don’t know a lot about uteruses, but I am pretty sure they stay in your body unless you make an effort,” Eddy repressed a smile. “Sorry you feel crappy, kiddo. Need anything?” 

“No,” she said from under the blankets. “Dad took care of me, I’m good.” 

Eddy nodded as if this was entirely expected.  

Of course it was. Stede was her father. He’d just done what he was supposed to and no one was surprised by it. Not Alma. Not Eddy.   

He pressed his hand to his chest and hid a smile. “We read some good things about the application of ice cream, dear girl. Do we still have some left for after dinner?” 

“Oh yeah, bought that big tub of neapolitan last week and just ate the strawberry bit.” 

“Why didn’t you just buy a tub of strawberry?” Alma asked, blankets coming down to look judgmentally at Eddy. 

“Cause I like to have a little bit of chocolate and vanilla mixed in,” Eddy said as if this was entirely normal. Stede had forgotten that it wasn’t, somewhere along the way. “But I don’t actually like the chocolate and vanilla on their own with that brand.” 

“You’re so weird,” Alma declared. “Can I try that next time?” 

“Sure, if you can get the tub away from me fast enough,” Eddy snorted. “And good luck with that.”  

“Dad,” Charlie emerged, hands still visibly wet. “Can we play a game after dinner?” 

“You can dry your hands,” Stede got to his feet. “And yes. We’ll decide which one over food.” 

To his surprise, Alma consented to join the Uno game that raged after dinner, though she did say she was tired after and went into her bedroom at the same time Charlie did. 

Before she went home the next day, Stede would check the brand of products that Mary had bought for her and write it down. The next time she came, he would tell her that she had what she needed and just to let him or Eddy know if it was low.  

It seemed the least he could do.

[jamies-rambles]

Finding Noel

Noel, canon divergence, trans Noel, angst, dysphoria, mentions of suicidal thoughts, Jamie, flowershop, Tobi

1800 words

Author’s note: Noel pls don’t have an identity crisis. I just started writing this as a joke but then I was projecting a tiny little bit.

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It was a warm summer night on Coastle, the gay bar was bustling with life. Noel, drunk and silly, had climbed on the stage, everyone looking at him with annoyance. “Women are stupid!” he yelled. “And fat people are gross!” Everyone groaned, used to his antics and wishing he would shut up. Tobi sprung into action, his tail fluttering behind him as he got up on the stage and snatched the mic from Noel’s hand. “Thank you Noel, now get the fuck off my stage. Next up are the Mushy Boys with Cool Like That!”

He guided Noel off the stage into a backroom, where Jamie was doing some writing. They preferred the relative quiet over the suffocating loudness of the bar, and it was the perfect spot to work on their next story. He sighed when Noel and Tobi came in. “You’re here to annoy me now, Noel?” he scoffed. Noel ignored them and plunged himself down in a cozy chair in the corner. “Why are you always so hateful?” Jamie asked. “Am not!” Noel protested childishly. “You’re always so mean to everyone though. Why can’t you be nicer?” Tobi nodded in agreement. “You even made Synker destroy my cat room! Where are my cats meant to live now?” “Yeah!” Jamie continued. “Do you have hatred in your heart, Noel? Where is that coming from? Maybe you need to do some soul searching!”

Noel thought on this for a second. Maybe he was acting out of insecurity. Did he really know who he was? “I’m sorry, guys,” he said. “I know I’m horrible. I should just go.” Jamie, too kind for their own good, couldn’t help but feel empathatic towards the sad drunk boy in the corner. “It’s okay, Noel, it’s not too late to change. If you need someone to talk to I’m here for you.” Noel smiled, thankful that he had such a good friend. “Thanks. I just feel like I’m wrong in some way, like there’s a piece of me that doesn’t fit. Maybe that’s why I lash out so much.” Jamie nodded understandigly. Tobi rolled his eyes, muttered about not wanting to hear this cheesy shit and made his way back to the bar. Jamie was generally more patient and deciced to hear Noel out.

“Do you ever feel you don’t know who you really are?” Noel asked. Jamie chuckled. “Do I? That’s been my entire life.” “No, I mean, when you feel like people don’t see you for who you really are but you couldn’t describe what that would be anyway,” Noel continued, sounding frustrated. “I just feel so unsure about everything, I can’t trust any thought I have. Maybe that’s why I like making strong statements, it gives some amount of clarity.”

Jamie sighs. “Identity can be complicated,” he says. “It’s perfectly normal to feel unsure. I can’t give you any magical answers, other than trying to figure out what seems right for you and going from there.” After a moment of contemplative silence, they continued: “I went through a similar thing a few years ago. I’m not saying you’re the same, I don’t know how you feel, but I can certainly understand the pain that comes with constant doubt. I wanted to die every day. But if you can embrace the doubt and are open to the possibilities, you might just find a whole new side of yourself.”

Noel stared into the night sky, thinking about Jamie’s words. How was he supposed to embrace the thing that was causing him so much pain? It felt much safer to stay where he was. Being completely open meant abandoning everything he thought was true about himself, and he wasn’t sure he could handle that. “I’m just tired,” he mumbled. “I want to stop thinking forever.”

Jamie nodded, seeing the exhaustion on Noel’s face. “Come, I’ll take you home.” Noel made a dissaproving sound, but got up anyway. Jamie guided the dazed Noel through the gay bar, out the door and back to their tree house in the South. “Forgot I owned this place,” Noel mumbled. It was true Noel hadn’t spent even one night in his house since Jamie built it for him. He even had a bed here, which was unusual for him. Jamie wished him goodnight, leaving Noel alone with his thoughts.

After an hour of tossing and turning he finally managed to fall asleep. It was not a restful sleep, his subconscious mind still trying to process his conflicting thoughts. He dreamt he was on a train, watching the rain flow down the windows. The conductor asked to see is trainpass, adressing him as a woman. Wait, was she? Noel showed her pass, after which she returned to staring out the window. It was dark outside, and she could clearly see her reflection when she focused on it. Soft features stared back at her, and she felt a sense of peace and clarity. She was a woman, of course, how had she ever doubted it.

Noel woke up with a strange sensation, the remnants of the dream lingering in his mind like a dark cloud. He sat up in bed, his breath coming in shallow, ragged gasps as he tried to shake off the unsettling feeling that had settled over him. He reached his trembling hand up to his face, which was still as it had always been. He felt a pang of disappointment, followed by immediate guilt for entertaining the idea. He was a boy, a man, and the thought of him being anything else was completely ridiculous. There was a pit in his stomach that seemed to be getting worse. Tears welled in his eyes as he found himself wishing he could just be normal. He’d had these kind of dreams before, and he was able to shake them off at first, but the more they occurred the more real they felt. He didn’t want to feel this way, he wanted it to just stop.

Noel spent many weeks trying as hard as he could to distract himself from thinking about it again. He found people to talk to, play games with and even when he was alone he made sure that his mind was always occupied, just so he didn’t have to endure the doubt again. But his efforts were futile. Late at night in bed they would return, and the pit in his stomach never went away. He knew he couldn’t go on like this. Remembering his conversation with Jamie weeks ago, he decided with much resistance that it might be worth being more open to the possibilities. Was he supposed to just become a woman now? Would that solve all his problems?

Frustrated and tired, he decided to explore the option. Standing in front of the mirror, he stared at his face, trying to find some sort of hint of what he was supposed to be. Did he really see himself as a man? Was that how he truly felt or was he just so used to it because it was expected of him? Could he see himself as a woman? Looking at their face with different eyes, Noel felt a sense of recognition. They remembered times as a kid when they had dressed up in their sister’s clothes, going out to play with other kids hoping to be seen as a girl. They also remembered the disappointment they felt upon being gendered as a boy by his peers. It was a long time ago, and they hadn’t really thought of it again until now. Did it mean something? Was it a sign all along, or were they just overthinking it?

They needed to talk to someone, figuring this out on their own seemed impossible. Tobi was a good friend, but he surely wasn’t very good with advice. Binero would just call him crazy. Jamie was the obvious choice, but what if he thought they were just faking it? Maybe they shouldn’t tell anyone until they were absolutely sure, otherwise people would surely think they were crazy or just following a trend. Oh no, were they? Did someone push them into feeling this way? Noel felt like they were going crazy. They needed to talk to someone before they went truly mad.

Jamie was hard at work in the flower shop when Noel walked in. “Hello Noel, how can I help you?” he asked with a friendly smile. “I need advice,” Noel said. “Hold that thought. What flowers can I get you? Some nice sunflowers?” Jamie walked to the back. “Actually,” Noel started, “I need to talk to you about… gender?” Jamie raised an eyebrow, putting back the sunflowers. “Maybe some lilies then? You know, they are often associated with femininity.” Noel looked around nervously, making sure nobody had heard what they just said. Luckily there was nobody around. They knew that Binero would never let them hear the end of it.

“I think I might be a woman,” they blurted out. Jamie paused, his expression softening with understanding as he turned back to face Noel. “Sit down, let’s talk,” they said, gently guiding Noel to a table in the back of the shop. Noel sank into the chair, their nerves buzzing with a mixture of anxiety and relief at finally voicing their thoughts aloud. "I don't know what's happening to me," they admitted, their voice barely above a whisper. "I've been having these... thoughts, these feelings, and I don't know what to do."

Jamie took a seat opposite Noel, his eyes filled with empathy as he listened intently. "It's okay, Noel," he reassured him. "You're not alone in this. Gender is a complex and deeply personal journey, and it's perfectly normal to feel confused or uncertain." Noel nodded, a tear slipping down their cheek as they struggled to put their feelings into words. "I just... I've spent my whole life trying to fit into this... this box of masculinity," they admitted, their voice thick with emotion. "But lately, I've been feeling like maybe that's not who I am."

Jamie nodded in understanding, his gaze filled with warmth and acceptance. "It's okay to explore different aspects of your identity," he said softly. "You don't need to have all the answers right now, or ever really. Just take things one step at a time. Discover what feels right to you.” Noel nodded, feeling reassured by Jamie’s words.

Noel felt much lighter, and without the pressure of trying to find the answer, a sudden clarity befell her. “I am a woman,” she mumbled to herself, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. And then louder she proclaimed: “Ik ben een vrouw.” And for the first time in a long while, she felt truly whole herself, embracing every facet of her being.

[ladyravengard]

The really funny part is. I got the game for early access three years ago. And I didn’t play much because it was still rough even in the state it was in. But I saw people in the fandom losing their shit over Astarion. So I heard he was a vampire and my dash was littered with pictures of him. And I was like “ugh I’m gonna end up hating him”. Then in the lead up to release I saw Gale and was like “oh he’s bearded! I’ll probably love him. 😍”

And then the game released...

When I finally met them it did a full switch. Completely hate Gale. Like I want to gag him. And not in the fun way. His personality sucks. And he’s just so….gross professor dude bro who overstepped Mystra’s boundaries. And then Astarion I fell for him, but only platonically. But like I took to him instantly and was like “oh you’re my new best friend. You scoundrel. We can laugh at dark shit together.” And then as I learned more of his arc…I was like “Ohgod….you’re me.” And firmly put him in platonic role forever. I don’t think I’ll ever do his romance.

Meanwhile coming out of left field was Wyll, Karlach, and Halsin. My faves. Wyll captured my heart with his genuineness and pure charisma. Like have you HEARD his flirty lines?! I was blushing and flustered. And then Karlach had my lust and I could not function without her in my party. And then Halsin ensnared me in his claws with a death grip on my mind. His backstory, the tiny details he mentions about where he’s traveled and what he’s experienced. I was floored.

And I’m just…wow. Did not not expect that.

Though there’s barely content for Wyll. And Karlach’s romance is bugged. And Halsin doesn’t even become a companion until part way through act 2 if you rush it. I feel like I have a full romance between them.

Shame that Wyll and Karlach aren’t the poly options with Halsin. *sighs*. This is what fanfiction is for I suppose.

P.s.: I did like Lae’zel. But only for a fling. And I refuse to touch Shadowheart with a nine foot pole. That’s the ick kinda religious I don’t fuck with. I haven’t yet done Minthara’s route at all but from everything I’ve seen. I feel like she will also be a fave of mine. But doing that route means I would lose literally all three of my faves and be left with Asshat Professor and Shart, with only Astarion and Lae’zel for company? I like Astarion, but not that much that I’d settle for only his kind of comedy.

So that’s a nah for me. I shall simply experience Minthara’s route through the audio and dialogue files.

[melis-writes]

Hopefully all this stuff in the press about the pregnancy slows down and people stop taking notice. It would be a real shame for people to associate Pacino with this rather than with all the wonderful characters he’s portrayed so well over the years. It does seem like gold digging to me, and it comes across also (though of course I don’t actually know) that he just needs company in his old age (though why it couldn’t be with someone closer in age to himself I’ll never understand..) but I don’t want to make judgements. Anyway, all I’m saying - I just really hope that when people think of him, they think of his movies, not his partners.

Ahh, you got so many messages on this! It will calm down soon, I just know it. When Mick Jagger got his younger (she was 30-40?) partner pregnant, people freaked out about it for maybe a week then everyone just moved on. So here’s hoping the same happens here 💕

Oh, it will definitely simmer down soon enough. It can't remain a hot topic forever! 😂😅 I think it's all the more mind blowing because of the news of Robert also having a baby recently lol.

This really all comes down to "art" and the "artist". Do we want to focus on the artist's personal life we don't know very much about, especially in regards to his private relationships and let that dictate how we view him forever or do we accept that these things are happening and on the news but we love the art created by this talented person?

I don't know Al or anything about his relationships other than what's in articles, interviews and biographies but I also do get selfish golddigging vibes from this, I don't understand it nor do I understand wanting a much younger companion. Just a lot of ick, yuck, and blame to go around in this case. 🥴

I love Al and I love his movies. I've read some wild, interesting, funny and even concerning shit about him in biographies. "Life on the Wire" has a lot of details of his romantic life and attraction, the attention he received from women, etc, and a lot of things that just made my eyes bulge. I don't agree with some of the stuff Al says/does, but that doesn't detract from the wonderful qualities he does have and his acting prowess.

I've really gotten to the point (a long time ago, way before this) where when I watch one of Al's work, I can separate Al and his character very well without trying. Yes, Al is playing that character in a film, but I'm focusing on that fictional character and everything that they are, not the actor whose playing him at the moment. That's a whole other thing! And for those not interested or weirded/grossed out by any actor/actresses' personal life/gossip, I would recommend doing the same for peace of mind. 😂

[goron-king-darunia]

Hey, remember that thing where we said to look out for things that give simple answers to complex or mysterious problems and funnel your anger toward a specific target because that stuff is usually propaganda? This is the shit we're talking about. The surface level information they're giving you AT THE OUTSET is designed to make you hate men because "haha, men, right? Fucking assholes. We have disease because they just can't stop fucking animals! That's exactly what men would do." And if you read deeper into their misinfo, you circle back to a lot of those racist talking points you may have been fed in a less-than-stellar health class like "we only have HIV because the barbarous African tribes just couldn't stop eating raw monkey brains, isn't that so gross?!" Which, you know, is racist as shit. Yes, bestiality is a thing that exists and yes it's gross for humans to do that and yes, there are problems that can happen because of that. I'm not here painting over the dark history of humans like "haha, that never happened." But as the EXPERT with the FUCKING DEGREES says, and as you can reason and research for yourself, STDs are not transmitted exclusively through sex. Most humans alive today have asymptomatic herpes. We've had it, as a species, forever. You remember how sex ed class warned you about drugs because needles can transmit HIV? How there was a huge crisis about "oh, what if I sit on a public toilet and someone before me had HIV/AIDS?!" and that's part of the reason we have seat liners (not to mention using the seat liner means you leave less skin residue and oils that pile up for janitors and you reduce the microscopic bacterial stuff you get on your skin)? That's because HIV/AIDS is, as he said, blood-borne. The idea that everyone that has an STD because they screwed an animal or had sex with someone who did is insane on the face of it, and the idea that you could trace back every instance of an STD to some bloke 5000 years ago who stuck his dick in an animal is only marginally less insane. Is bestiality a potential vector for contracting STDs? Yes. But so is eating and preparing contaminated meat. So is being around animal scat (you know, a thing you come into contact with inevitably if you keep livestock for food.) Cowpox was a thing milkmaids got just from being in contact with cows. The only reason we don't think ill of people who got cowpox is because we figured out that cowpox exposure made you immune to the much worse chicken pox. Imagine if we went around spreading lies that "Did you know the only reason we don't die from chicken pox is because some lady in ancient Greece was so horny for a bull that she built a full bull costume to get her ass destroyed and she just so happened to contract cowpox which made her immune? Size queens, right? Ugh, I can't believe I have to thank some nasty bitch named Pasiphae for the fact that I'm not gonna die of chicken pox or shingles." That would be absolutely deranged. The idea that having an STD all boils down to having the "wrong sort" of sex has been used to justify everything from anti-miscegenation laws to homophobia to misogyny and in this case, blatant misandry. This is absolutely not okay. We don't tolerate this misinfo. Thank god for Tiktok user microbiologywes fighting the good fight and correcting this stuff. Because lest we forget, this same rhetoric was used to promote sinophobia when COVID-19 started, and people were spreading lies about the disease being created in a lab specifically for biological warfare to "No way was this from a bat at a meat market, this is 100% some STD shit" especially in the early days where all the conspiracies were running rampant. I know the internet loves snappy comebacks and simple answers. We're all vulnerable to propaganda. I am. You are. Everybody is. If the goal of a TikTok seems to be to get you riled up against somebody, stop for at least a minute and try to figure out why. Because more often than not, you're getting hit with grifting, propaganda, or just regular old misinfo.

[kissbeginswithkay]

I put it in tags but tw for eating disorder mentions and talking about throwing up

I'm like. Really grateful to my mom for being really accommodating with my "eating habits" (it's either ARFID, autism, adhd, or two or three combined!) because I would have like. A worse quality of life if she didn't. My dad says it's a "diet" and I tell people that I'm "extremely picky" but it's To the Point of Disorder. When I realized I had something wrong early on I didn't know ARFID existed, I only knew about eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, but I was like "I don't...hate my body though? Not to the point of making myself throw up or starve myself at least." I only made myself throw up once, years ago my stomach hurt a lot one day and I didn't know how to deal with it because other stuff wasn't working. I hated it, I hated feeling it shoot out my throat like pressing down on a hose, how much my throat burned after, the taste. It was gross all around. It only relieved my stomach pain 0.03% so it was useless. It only went away when I slept it off, I still have no idea what happened that day.

My point is, when I found out ARFID exists, it's like I finally found the word for why I hesitated for almost 30 seconds every time I tried something new. It explained why I cried when I was eating a chicken parm sandwich. It explained why when I eat food I don't love it sits like a rock in my stomach, and I don't even feel full. I checked my diary I have on a separate platform and literally 2 years ago I was sharing that food was 'acidlike' and if a texture or taste I didn't like enveloped my tongue then I would feel like I never wanted to eat again. And then it was a few days after I made that entry that I found out what ARFID was. I still semi question if it's that or just really heavy sensory issues but I wanna keep it close for whenever I decide to talk to a doctor (I hate making appointments shits annoying LMAO)

I promise y'all I'm gonna get a therapist I swear to God LOLLL but yeah love my mom thank you forever for buying me what I can eat even though I ended up developing lactose sensitivity and most of the things I eat have cheese 😁😁😁 UGHHHH I hate it here but also that's literally not her fault at all it's just a shitty (teehee) coincidence

anyway love you all byeee

[nathank77]

6/13/24

2:08 a.m

I took L Salivarius at 12:32 a.m, I mean I feel the difference. It works way better than those lozengers. I almost assuming everything continues to go well want to actually stay on it forever. Problem is cost of course. I'd like to get l reuteri.... but I can't go crazy between buying cbd, wanting to join the gym and all that.

That panic attack I experienced last night was from closing my eyes for over a hour and not falling asleep..... it brings me back to microsleep trauma. It was a long panic attack too. So I mean cbd has helped with my daily frequent random panic attacks but it didn't save me last night.

I want to buy tubs so I can do the attic. In my brain I see like 6-10 tubs stacked and organized neatly with labels. And a computer chair next to it lol and I want that so bad. I'm so done with being a hoarder but only one set of hands and a guy with ocd makes it hard. I mean I really want to turn that room into neatly stacked tubs so if I ever find a girl and move out my storage is neat and easy to move.

That stack of tubs being labeled with the computer chair is a wonderful mental image. And i want to make it real. I can't stop obsessing over trying to make everything I own nice organized piles in tubs. The idea that I could find anything I needed and have a place to put things sounds surreal. I just wish someone could help me. I mean I have like a huge pile of garbage I expect my sister to remove from the attic hands down I'm not helping, why? It's too much for one person she has a gf and she wanted me to get through the attic and I have to be the one to sort and throw out all my shit obv. She's going to do it bc she really wants me to clean that room out she's been waiting on renovations but I really wish I had tubs and another set of hands. As well as someone to say, "Nathan do you really need that?" Cecile and Colleen helped me go through my storage years ago. Christ almighty idk what I would have done without them. They helped me throw away a lot when I was much more of a hoarder.

Both of them had feelings for me... I was about to date Cecile. But that's the issue, people are only willing to help you if they want to date you.

Between the cbd, the gym, the potential of getting l salivarius every month for 25$ things are expensive... and tubs although cheap add up with my last purchase. I have to wait but my brain is on crack like let's do this and that. Let's do the mouse draw and I remind myself of anxiety and idk what to do with the deodorant or body spray. Or it's like let's get the medium boxers and Adidas shorts from the attic and I remind myself okay we could but then we got to do laundry and take a shower. Im trying to make myself relax and it's really hard.

I saw the tub my sister had saved for me in the basement and it had an used ear cleaner. I really want to buy new ones lol it's gross beggers can't be choosers.

Idk I miss the days where I didn't care about cleaning and I just sat around enjoying games without hallucinating instead of filling my time with cleaning then I wonder what if I get that nice stack of tubs and organize everything and then i have nothing left to do?

I got a lot to do but I will eventually finish it. I got a list and I'm going down it and I need some stuff to finish it but once I get the stuff I'll have nothing to do...

But yea. Idk.

[sorryaboutyourwindow]

Okay okay okay I’m gonna let my ego take over for a bit and answer these for myself cuz these are fun to think about-

1. Three things that shaped me into who I am. An old pocket watch my aunt got for me in Taiwan with my Chinese Zodiac on it, a Snow Globe that’s decades old now that was a baby shower gift for me/my mom, and a plaid brown blanket my grandma got me from London when I was three. I guess they’re all constants in my life and maybe I’m taking a more symbolic approach to this question but it’s fine.

2. Picture of my handwriting.

This was brainstorming for an engineering model project I was on a bit ago.

3. 3 films I will never tire from. Grosse Pointe Blank, Tangled, and Mean Girls.

4. Inside joke. “Poot poot, im scared”

5. I was a Pinterest girlie that relied on uploads but couldn’t keep up with this one Haikyuu comic, I forget who it was by but the ship was sakuatsu. Eventually I caved and made an account and now we’re here.

6. Best/worst part of being online. Never being able to get away from people. I’m an extrovert and love my friends, I’m just bad at dealing with people and need space. It’s nice I can talk to them whenever tho!

7. What scares me the most and why. Eternity. I am terrified of the unknown and what’s to come after all of this shit and I don’t know if I could live with myself forever, but I love to exist so so much and don’t think I could ever be ready to not if you know what I mean?

8. Reoccurring dreams. There’s this one, it’s more of a nightmare if anything, of being trapped in a beach house during a hurricane and I’m in the corner watching a blonde woman holding her son to try and save him. It’s short but I don’t know where it came from or why it sticks around.

9. Story about my childhood. I have always had the tendency to be a bit of a control freak so I would often just end up playing by myself because I just got annoyed. I used to play in my grandmas garden and pretend that I was a fairy or witch and shave chalk into powder to make “potions” and “fairy dust” and climb their trees to pick pecans. There was this one time I was kinda in my own little world and they had a porcelain dove on the bench, and I went to pick it up to acquire another familiar. This little bitch had a hornets nest inside of it so when baby me went to pick it up, I got stung smack dab in the middle of my palm.

10. Am I emotional. Yes, very, but at odd times. I get worked up really easily and passionate about the smallest debates or subjects but then if I go to break up with someone I don’t shed a tear. Yet somehow, every decision I make ends up being with my heart instead of my head despite how analytical I try to be.

11. What do I consider to be romance. This one gets its own few paragraphs.

In short, romance is when I’m so consumed by the person that I don’t care about what anyone else thinks. Ive dated a girl for two years who turns out never had feelings for me, I dated a guy who was my best friend and ended up being my stand partner for the rest of that year, I got groomed (all the same year btw). All of those kinda sucked for me and looking back there’s a good chance we were using each other and I was kinda embarrassed to be seen out in public with them let alone be affectionate.

I hate the sappy shit, hate the cheesy dates, hate the stereotypical rom com romancing because I just thought that was embarrassing. But right now it’s like really fucking weird for me cuz I have a boyfriend that I actually am actively proud to be around and show off to my friends and will lean on in public and don��t give a shit if he kisses me in public. It’s really fucking weird but really fucking nice, he loves the cheesy shit and honestly I’m starting to love it too.

12. Advice. Don’t make it official before the first date, set boundaries and restrictions with yourself on how physical you wanna be with a person on that specific date, if you’re scared to confess just do it and move on to rip the bandaid off, no “I love you”’s until at least the fourth date uhhhhhhhhhh

13. What am I doing right now. Eating spicy ass soup I made. It’s so good.

14. Something I’ve always wanted to do but too scared to. Tell my Abuela I cannot stomach her cooking. That or skydiving.

15. What do I think of when I hear the word “home.” That Edward Sharpe song.

16. If I could change one think about myself what is it. My tits are two different sizes, I just want my bras to fit okay.

17. Three things that make me happy. The beach, bookshops, and hanging out with friends after events when it’s really fucking late and hey we’re in the city anyways.

18. Do I believe in ghosts/aliens. As much as I would love proof, I’d like to keep a bit of hope out there for either. We don’t actually know what the afterlife looks like nor if there’s life out there in an infinitely expanding universe. Cannot qualify or disqualify, plus it’d be cool if they were and I wanna be hopeful.

19. Favorite thing about the day. Sunrise, it’s so goddamn pretty and it’s especially nice if you’re seeing it with someone.

20. Favorite thing about the night. Stargazing, I can never do it because of light pollution, but when I’m out in the country I’m genuinely in awe.

21. Am I spiritual. Spiritual as in there is something greater than us out there, not religious.

22. 3 things about someone I love. He’s strong, not just physically but like he’s been through some shit and I’m proud of him for still being here. He actively tries and seeks criticism because he just wants things to be as good as he can possibly make it for someone, doesn’t matter what. He’s an extrovert, and gets along with people, and gets along with my friends and it’s so sweet to see him interact with people.

23. 3 things about someone I hate. I don’t hate him, I’m just hurt. He has a right to want me out of his life since I definitely fucked up. He doesn’t realize there are other smart people in the room. He never actually acknowledged that I’m not stupid.

24. One thing I’m proud of myself for. My body, baby me would be proud. I dealt with an eating disorder for a while and it’s been a slow recovery process. But I get compliments on how I look now and I fit into the clothes that I want to and goddamnit I’m proud of my stretch marks. I’m proud of my body.

25. Favorite season. Spring, I’m a plant person and it’s just a season of rebirth and it’s summer without the temperature being in the triple digits. I love it.

26. Favorite color. A sunflower yellow, it’s just bright and cheery and pops and I love it.

27. Nicknames. Isa mostly, but my little sister accidentally called me Isi once and I loved it but it hasn’t happened again.

28. Collection. Trinkets for my bookshelf, cool guitar picks, books I want to read, and Starbucks mugs from cities and countries I’ve been to across the world.

29. What do I do when I’m sad. Play Angus and Julia Stone and turn off my lights and stare at the ceiling. Or call a friend and binge rom coms.

30. One thing that never fails to make me happy/happier. When my boyfriend texts, it’s stupid and cheesy but goddamnit I love talking to him.

31. Messy or organized. Messy in my room like I actually cannot walk in here, but control freak organized with my bags and files like I will never not know where something I need to use is for work or school.

32. How many tabs open. Just on my laptop, over 76. On my phone, it’s 67 in one tab group and another 38 for Ao3.

33. Hobbies. I play upright bass, electric bass, guitar, ukulele, harmonica, piano, and sing plus love going on deep dives on plants and space shit. I also surf, kick box, love to read, garden, and follow LFC.

34. Pet peeves. When someone messes with my cooking to check if it’s done immediately after I say “give it a second it needs more time.”

35. Trust easily. Yes, it’s gotten me assaulted twice.

36. Open book or walls up. I have really really really bad rbf to the point where a lot of my classmates are scared shitless of me if I correct them, but if you get me to start talking I’ve probably told my entire life story like sixty times but just not all to one person.

37. Secret. I kissed him.

38. Fave song atm. Red Wine Supernova by Chappell Roan.

39. YouTuber I’ve been obsessed with. Omahdon I think was the name. They did ow comic dubs a while back and I binge watched them when I was sad.

40. Bad habits. I pick at scabs and cuticles, I have never once finished my tbr or been over 10% of catching up, I forget to bring down my mugs of tea, and I never fold my clean laundry. Ever.

OH MY FUCK IM DONE BYE

questions I think would be fun to be asked

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

what made you start your blog?

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

what scares you the most and why?

any reacquiring dreams?

tell a story about your childhood

would you say you’re an emotional person?

what do you consider to be romance?

what’s some good advice you want to share?

what are you doing right now?

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

name 3 things that make you happy

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

favourite thing about the day?

favourite things about the night?

are you a spiritual person?

say 3 things about someone you love

say 3 things about someone you hate

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

fave season and why?

fave colour and why?

any nicknames?

do you collect anything?

what do you do when you’re sad?

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

are you messy or organised?

how many tabs do you have open right now?

any hobbies?

any pet peeves?

do you trust easily?

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

share a secret

fave song at the moment?

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

any bad habits?

(this post was stolen from @teenage-mutant-ninja-freak, since it couldn't be reblogged anymore)

[brongusthearcanist]

How do I tell people that I am only a "man" for the sake of convenience. Like I'm non-binary but I don't tell people cause I look and act like your average nerd man baby. I enjoy dressing up every once in a while but I keep a beard because I really don't like being perceived and now no one knows what exactly my chin looks like. But I also really don't give a fuck about taking care of myself. I'm clean don't get me wrong, like OCD clean, but did I wear my bonnet to sleep to keep my long curly hair intact, no, did I shave my neck scruff, no, did I even moisturize, nada. Should I have watched my hair about 2 days ago and now it's really tangled and hurts to wear up in any way? Yep. Are my socks wet because I have multiple holes in my shoes, yep, don't even think about my underwear.

Would I like to be more fem? Yeah, but I'm not. I'm not that vulnerable, I honestly feel nervous going outside in anything that doesn't make me look a little homeless. Like any bi "man" I will probably always yearn to be a lesbian. I've kinda just accepted that I'll never really look the way I want as that would require becoming a being of pure plasma, or a sentient cloud (deadly serious, that is my comfort zone). It's not sad it's just a consequence of living on this cesspool we call earth, with these animals we call people for some fucking reason. There is a reason I don't think about this much, gets me real pissed, cause if I'm being real I hate all of y'all, like all 9 billion, yeah I'm counting some of the soon to be born. Humanity and consciousness are a mistake, I just wish we could go back to the days where we could eat each other with no emotion whatsoever. Just "I got hungry so I snuffed the life out of that thing... Oh shit that's a big one, guess I'm getting eaten. Oh well". Like we don't need all these extra rules, we aren't special, we aren't intelligent, we aren't good. The universe is an endless void of peace with the exception of our shitty little cluster thats covered in this gross shit we call meat, and its FUCKING nasty. My one hope is that one day I will be able to highjack some billionaires space bus so I can fly as far away from the meat mosh pit as possible. I'm heading for Alpha Centauri, and when I get bored on the ride there I'll step out and give my body to the void, may she cherish my nonexistence forever amen 🖕