#that was a very big work anxiety for me
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Went to my favorite Phoenix brunch spot yesterday and I'm currently at my second favorite.
Yesterday was at the Pinnacle Peak General Store which is really close to the McDowell Sonoran Reserve (beautiful). It's the kind of really unpretentious place I love.
You walk through a post office and a kitschy store to get to the restaurant. Honestly everything they serve is just really solid. A+ french toast.
And it's in this super picturesque plaza setting that is not unique in the desert but starting to disappear in contemporary Phoenix.
Today I'm at Perk which is a place I came every weekend when I lived two minutes away from here. They removed my fave omelet from the menu, but everything is so good here it just made my breakfast choice harder. It's apparently a Triple-D spot.
I plan to sit here for a while before heading back to the hotel and my flight home.
#ptpt is conferencing#please let me go home now#also thank you democrats for solving the shutdown#that was a very big work anxiety for me#now i can exhale a little bit
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*skitters up to you on all fours with a bunch of drawings in my mouth* *drops them at your feet* *skitters away*
enjoy some schizophrenia / psychosis / mental health-based humor.
#had an exchange with someone very important to me that helped me work up the moxie necessary to get over my anxiety and post some of these#(you know who you are and i know you're reading this. ilusm and thank you for being in my life)#I'll schedule this post for later in the day. 100% I'm going to forget about doing that and be confused when I start getting notes for it#anyhoo#I wonder if I can rescue the mental health + journal comics I posted to Instagram and repost them here...#I mention my mental health journey fairly often on here but I feel I should clarify:#IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT SCHIZOPHRENIA / PSYCHOSIS / WHATEVER--- GO FOR IT! ASK ME THEM!#I won't be offended by genuine questions even if they're phrased a bit awkwardly or use language that might be less than perfect!#If you want to learn about stuff I will gladly describe my experience to the best of my ability! I don't mind whatsoever :>#not sure if that needed to be said or not but I figured I should say it just in case since I'm making a big ol' post that cracks jokes#I'm significantly removed from actively hallucinating and have made leaps and bounds in my emotional health so I'm in a great place now#mental health#mental health comic#mental illness#mental health humor#psychosis#schizophrenia#psychosis memes#schizophrenia art#humor#diary comic#diary comics#journal comic#journal comics#stuff by sofie
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Hipperfixation so good that you escape a three year long art block 🧀
Featuring, my lovely guy Bocadillo de Queso, he lives for and because of cheese, I hope you all like him ◖⚆ᴥ⚆◗
And Roberto it's his picnic geb, he is a little done with the cheese puns....
#neopets#neotag#I'm kinda scared because I haven't touched a pencil in a while#and It's the first time I worked in something without having anxiety or freezing in site#big stepie for me!#anyways. I hope you all love my lactose very worrying tolerant son#therizossinhh drawings
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I drew this explanation post for why I was completely inactive for a week, but then felt too anxious and drained to post it, and subsequently disappeared for a second week
Two main blog drawings and one side blog wip later, I remembered I made this and still think it's funny, so even though I stopped being dead (TM) I still wanted to share lol
Brief series of events at work
^^^old, but I'm still taking it easy so posts on both this blog and my alt will continue to be scattered for now
#so for those of you that don't know; i have moderate combined scoliosis#my entire back is always at least a little strained so i have to really watch my physical activity#but i live in Tennessee where we have the lowest federally allowed minimum wage#so in order to pay for college i have to work in a package distribution company because it's the only place that pays well/has a scholarshi#I'm in the small package dept thankfully (bc spine)#but for the last three months one specific manager kept sending me out to a different area with the heaviest packages in the building#when i first disappeared it was because i was having trouble walking and using stairs lmao#I complained to that manager and it seems I'll be in smalls again for the foreseeable future; so I've had time to recover and am better :D#every day i didn't post after that was due to anxiety and a low social battery BUT I'm getting slightly better on that front too#i have been *very* aware of my spine lately though#the last time I got an xray was ten years ago and i wonder if it's changed since then... not that i can afford a new xray lol#also can i just take a space to complain about the US not using the metric system#so many packages have kilograms ONLY and i have NO frame of reference for that since we don't use kilograms anywhere else#''ooh wow 70 is a big number but surely it can't be that baD- HOLY SHIT THAT'S 154 POUNDS'' <- me all the time#at this point I myself will just switch to metric and make life harder for both myself and life around me out of principle
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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.
It’s just past 9:30am and I’ve sent off 3 important business mails, responded to two texts I’ve been avoiding and called my union.
IM ON A ROLL RN OMG
#kirke’s inner dialog#me when u actually do adult things for once#listen I’m very very proud of myself#because when it comes to phone anxiety and texting people back I burst into tears every single time#so this is big#the adhd medication is WORKING this morning
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got the posting anxiety bad tonight
#click clack#ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go#ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog#BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me#because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art#like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public#and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot#a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement…#so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury#the original posts I put here#but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication#my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵���💫#all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen#dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄#anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍#I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself#and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences#maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog…#I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔#idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art#just a slow drip until they are in the forefront#bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º＿º )#I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨#or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out#I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad#post order compulsion????#the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts…#if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃
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at the oral surgeon and barely spent any time in the waiting room, where I could have been fooling around in my sketchbook and Vibing. I have, however, spent a LOT of time sitting here waiting in the exam room after watching their friendly informed consent video about how all procedures involving sedation include a risk of death
#cool vibe thanks#I could see my lovely little car from the waiting room I could have been sketching...#okay well he came in while I was writing tags and suggests it sounds like local anesthetic and novacaine might be better for me anyway#but also I can Think About It and let them know ahead of my actual appointment#which is nice#THE THING IS I'M NOT SURE LMAO.#I am very afraid of general anesthetic tbqh but I also don't wanna be Miss Big Balls and do it awake and be Wrong about being fine :'D#getting a filling has so far been Fine though....#doc: it's easier for me if you're awake? but we recommend anaesthesia for very bad anxiety-- I'll be drilling I may have to cut the bone etc#me: I mean the Drilling Sounds have never been my problem but I've never had a man digging chunks of tooth out of the depths of my flesh SO-#I'm gonna consult with my team (people who have had theirs out already) and see what we think I guess#my mom said hers went great and she went to work the next day and had no issues and I BET she stayed awake. similar types of anxiety I think#meanwhile justin severely oversold how horrible the anaesthetic shots are for fillings so I'll take his counsel with a grain of salt#about me
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question: when you're starting a new job, what do you most want out of your first week of onboarding? what's most helpful for you to know/understand upfront? also... what's not helpful? tell me your onboarding nightmare stories too lol
#i honestly do not ever think i've had a positive onboarding experience#in my entire professional life#i guess for me a lot of my early-job anxieties are around expectations and 'rules'#like i want to know what time i'm supposed to be there and what time i'm allowed to leave and what the dress code is#and how the hybrid schedule works#so i don't make dumb mistakes right away#i also think i want to be involved in the real work as early as possible#like i don't have to be DOING anything yet but i want to be watching people do things and shadowing in meetings#so i can start to develop a sense of who's who and what the actual work of the office/workplace looks like#and also because i really value getting a feel for personalities as early as possible lol i want to know what the vibes are#hmm and also maybe most importantly#i feel like in any new situation i need a very loose conceptual framework to hold the new information being given to me#otherwise it's just random pieces of info you know? like it's helpful when someone is actively helping me fit information into a frame#like they're saying 'here's the HUGE picture - now let's zoom in and start looking at this one corner of it - and as we add new corners#i'll actively help you fill in the connective tissue that holds these different parts of the big picture together'#hmmm#my worst onboarding experiences have been when the person training me comes in and throws lots of#long complex extremely context-dependent documents or readings at me#and is like ok spend the week reading those and get back to me#and i'm like ??????????#i have NO understanding of what my role is or how this organization functions#at this point it is not helpful for me to pass my eyes over tons of dense info without a guide to tell me what's important#i have no way of gauging of something is important or trivial and then i feel stressed like i have to learn ALL of it#even though i know that a huge portion of it will end up being not that relevant to my day-to-day job
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Being a young adult is wild you'll be in a grocery store and be like "wait I've never bought spinach before how does this work"
#it's like being an extremely competent toddler#this post brought to you by me in walmart going “how big of a container do I need how much is this supposed to cost am I doing this right?”#in fairness the how does this work is probably the anxiety and overthinking but like#the realization that I'd never actually done that very mundane thing by myself was weird
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on one hand it sucks cause it sucks to see her like this and for her to have to go through it in general and also its literally so much cancer and like at least???? at LEAST 2 different types???? so they don't know what to do about it and any further treatment would literally just be Seeing What Happens. and it sucks for this to be like. it. and to have to remember This after
but on the other it's also. like. all of this happening has kinda crystallized more in my mind that i don't have a hell of a lot of nice things to say about my mom in the end. which feels awful. but also at the same time i can't really like.. tolerate. giving credit to someone who Loves me who like.. saw it as an obligation? and would and probably will right now if given the opportunity hold it over my head? the fact that she raised me and all. i brought you into this world ill take you out etc. i don't know how you can say that shit to a kid ever and think you're right. i just can't. for all that she's always said she loves me she sure. doesn't act like it much. i don't think keeping all my baby blankets and my kindergarten schoolwork counts for much when your actual emotional support of me has never been great and is half of why im Like This. like it doesn't really feel like she's ever made much of an effort to understand me. lord knows I'll never understand her at this point aside from just. kinda always been too self centered for parenting i think. my mother has never been particularly selfless.
all of this feels horrendous to say out loud in any regard
#crow.txt#like idk it could be my specific grief but its. just kinda amplified in my brain the bad things far more than the good#which isnt to say theres No good. idk id argue theres probably logically More good. but the bad is pretty bad#it could be worse. but it was also still bad. neither of my parents shouldve ever had children. full stop#i should not be here. i should not have had to grow up like this. neither of you were prepared or emotionally stable enough for kids#i really should be trying to sleep. idk if i can work tomorrow#like idk pardon my autism but i dont feel many strong familial bonds. i dont think i ever really have. its always been a big thing for mom#not me so much. wonder why that might be Anwyay#just because we're family absolutely does not mean i should just let you treat me however#and i wont in fact#all of this feels like a very long very draining awful dream. its so surreal. it happened so fast#ive honestly not cried over it as much as i feel like i should have bc it kinda just felt inevitable#this has been an anxiety rumination point for years#she was taking it a lot better than i expected for a while but the nastiness and loudness and just like. cruelty. kinda knew that was comin#just surprised its taken this long
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i don't think i'll ever get over how people treat kids that aren't good in school as worthless no matter what. "oh it can't be that bad" my guy idk how to tell you this but the last time i went to a normal high school the principal called me into his office to brag about how he failed me in all of my classes before the semester was even finished & i should quit while i'm ahead cuz i'm too stupid ("officially" diagnosed as such by a school counselor & a psychiatrist!!) to succeed. & this is considered normal
#''poor teachers!!'' yeah well at least they can fucking quit & go work somewhere else#''okay but times are different than when you went to school in the 1970's'' this was 2016 my guy. shut the fuck up#''well maybe you were a violent & severely misbehaving kid!'' i wasn't. i have ADHD & severe anxiety disorder & depression#my biggest crime was being too exhausted & dopamine deprived to do my homework#my dad talks about how he was treated in school & i'm like damn dude i went through the same exact shit#how is it that a majority of teachers & principals are still abusive power-tripping pieces of shit 60 years later#why haven't things changed#well actually the answer is simple & it's because they want disabled people to disappear#& if abled students that simply disagree with the way things are done get caught in the crossfire then that is acceptable#because anyone not fit to make billionaires a billion more dollars should just die!#anyways here are my original tags from that gravity falls post i just reblogged:#I know this is supposed to be an appreciation post but like. ''for being the ''dumb one'' he's surprisingly rational.'' seriously??#as ''the dumb'' but ''surprisingly rational'' one of my family this is THEE biggest misunderstanding & it drives me up the fucking wall#just because a person struggles in one area doesn't mean they're stupid & should be an irrational dumb dumb idiot baby holy fuckkk#sorry to OP but even when people try to ''appreciate'' stuff like this they can't help but throw in insults#simply because they genuinely believe that ''even though you're stupid you SURPRISINGLY act competent sometimes'' is a compliment#I'm less mad about this & more sad that this kind of shit is still so prevalent in 2024#both Stanley & Stanford are smart & competent & rational#they just show it in different ways & exceed in different (sometimes overlapping) subjects#this is normal for human beings but the big societal scam is that if you don't do it in the way Ford does then you're stupid & a failure#& being surprised that Stan is also smart & competent in his own ways is the biggest sing that you fucking fell for it dude#btw before i get @ ed for this. i WAS that kid#i was so much that kid the school actually diagnosed me with stupid & spiteful & i was told to quit while i was ahead (they failed me befor#obviously this is very personal for me but also i don't think people realize the language they use is on purpose & it's used specifically t#& it's still happening right now & that just. makes me wanna cry honestly#like why are people still surprised that people can specialize in something despite bad grades in school#you know. the thing we all know is literally rigged to either put you in jail or in a factory to make billionaires more money.#man sorry for the rant the original spirit of the post is super correct but like fuck HS grade-centric judging of people's entire character#Stan being able to defeat Bill is just not at all surprising if you were him or knew/know someone like him#or really paid any attention at all to the show while watching it
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me vs letting a piece of writing be ‘good enough’ but not perfect
ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ grrrrrrrrrr
#i’m going to tear my haiiiir out#you know what it is????? aside from suffering from debilitating ocpd ofc#it’s because it’s dabi#it’s because it’s dabi’s birthday gift#and i just want it to be the very best most perfect it can be#also it’s at 9.7k now sigh#anyway every time i’m tryna rush against the clock to get something out before 11:59pm i always feel like im back in uni LMAOOOO#but anyway!!!!! sorry everyone;; sorry dabi;;;; it’s just Too Big (hahahaHAHAHAHAHA)#no but in all seriousness i’ve been editing since i got home from the doctors and im only on page 7 oUT OF 25 sooooooooo#it’ll be a day late <3#this has been clari with the updates#my therapist says i have to talk nicer to myself but goddamn it’s so hard when i’m just like !!!!!!!! LEAVE IT!!!!!! it’s fine!!!!!!!#and ocpd goes iTS NOT IT MUST BE PERFECT EVERY LINE MUST BE PERFECT NOW OBSESSIVELY GO OVER IT >:(#i’m working on resisting that voice no matter how much anxiety and terror it causes me#aaaaah
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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
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putting on the baby pink cinnamoroll sweatshirt so that maybe i'll better embrace the new baby pink laptop.....
#my cat. my sweet and wonderful cat. the very same cat who knocked food out of my hand.#decided that he wanted to crash into me from behind and collide with my laptop screen#so now i have a pretty pink laptop that doesn't have a screen covered in several distracting dents#and also some overwhelming guilt and anxiety because large purchase and unnecessary expense an dsjflkasdjlfasd i'm so fucking stressed now#i hate making big purchases for myself specifically. everyone else is allowed but me? fuck no.#but i need a laptop for work and also for writing. what am i if not a writer? absolutely nothing.#the other laptop probably would have been fine to still use -_- but those bright white spots would have driven me i n s a n e#at least now i have blue boy as a backup in case something ever happens to pastel pink boy. i guess i'm a pastel pink boy now too....#pastel pink boy (laptop) needs a name. if you've gotten to the bottom of this tag rant: i'm open to suggestions.
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Ok after having given it a few shots I can say with relative confidence that I do Not like working in pharmacy and would like out now, please,
#no repercussions!!! in fact I think everyone on earth should be like wow you’re so brave and strong (the bravest and strongest even) for#trying and we’re gonna give you a $50 raise and also you don’t have to work there but also you don’t have to tell your boss you don’t want#to work there <33 ok side note accidentally typed <:3 and it looks like a little mouse and I love it. Anyways on a serious note I like the#counting but the combination of anxiety and everything being very close and frantic as well as understaffed so I’m perpetually wrongfooted#and uninformed- I also just move a bit too slow for them which is fair!! and I think they might find me a little unsettling because people#that close together for that long talk and I’m not big on conversation. At all. so it’s just not a good fit I don’t think#I dunno it might get better in a few more shifts?? but I’m not sure#ughhhhhh ugh#tacit rambles
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